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Carla
What would you consider job hopping – and which field are you in? I’m in tech / nonprofit world, and while I don’t think earlier on in your career 1-2 year stints are a big deal I think that later on it does become a problem. My friends and I are ~8 years out of college and we were trying to gauge where we’re at the point where staying longer becomes more important. It doesn’t help that recruiters reach out to people who’ve been at their job for 1 year all the time!
Anon
Is it the only way to get a real raise? Loyalty in tech doesn’t seem to be rewarded very often, but I don’t know about tech / NFP.
Carla
Main way to get a raise, yes. But I’m not asking tech / NFP specific – this group is in accounting, finance, tech, etc
Anon
Can someone explain what NFP is? I googled it and got an insurance company and Natural Family Planning.
Trixie
I think, but I am not sure, that it means not-for-profits.
anon
not for profit
Anon
hate all these abbreviations. Take the time and type your words. As the poster says, she is asking about all different career tracks so stop with the lingo.
Anon
Agree – the abbreviations are annoying. It signals to me that I shouldn’t bother even thinking about a response because it’s a discussion for the in-crowd, and the in-crowd are the people who understand obscure lingo.
Nfp
I’ve worked in US Nonprofits for 20 years and am an executive and literally no one I know calls it NFPs- always so curious to see outsiders call it that.
Anon
I suspect the younger you are, the more you text and the more you feel like everything needs to be abbreviated.
Anon
I’m a mad texter but I only use acronyms that I’m sure the recipient knows!
Anon
IME, acronyms for non profits aren’t super common, but if they are it’d more likely to be NPO (non profit organization – this style mirrors NGO) or PNP (private nonprofit)
Anonymous
I have stayed in my last 2 jobs for 8+ years for a variety of reasons, mostly because I liked them and/or they gave me the flexibility to do what I wanted outside of work. I’m a nonprofit fundraiser. In this field, I think it would start to raise eyebrows once you get to the manager level or above. We know you need to jump around to get a raise at most nonprofits because they are too small to offer much internal advancement potential and entry-level salaries are abysmal, but no one wants to have to onboard new employees, and it becomes more of a liability for senior staff.
Olivia Rodrigo
Also a nonprofit fundraiser and it boggles my mind how many in this field hop around every 2-4 years. How do you even build relationships [that are so necessary to raise money and steward donors] in that timeframe? Unreal.
Anon
What is or isn’t job hopping will be different based on your level and industry. One thing that’s more important is if you consistently hop to a lateral role, you’re going to stagnate at that level for a long time. If you want to move up, it’s often easier to do it in one place. It also takes longer than most GenZ’s seem to realize. So before you move, be aware of what kind of political capital you have that you’d be giving up.
Anon
My experience is the opposite – I’ve only ever been able to really move up or make more money by job hopping.
Anoon
Same. My last move I literally DOUBLED my (admittedly low) not-for-profit salary. Before I accepted the offer, I gave my organization an opportunity to counter and the Executive Director basically told me to go take the money. The person they hired to replace me got a much better starting salary than my outgoing salary. I have seen this happen so many times– when someone who is worth more money leaves and is replaced by someone at a higher salary– it makes me fairly certain that’s the m.o. I don’t know how or why it makes sense to get a new person at a higher salary rather than give your existing people raises, but I’ve been in several non-profits and it’s very common. Maybe has to do with fiscal rules from stingy boards of directors.
Brontosaurus
I have worked in an arts nonprofit and higher ed, and this was true in both fields. I finally moved from higher ed to government and got a 40% raise out of it.
Cora
I don’t think “if you want to move up its often easier to do it in one place” is true anymore, especially outside large companies. I do agree that you shouldn’t be moving to a lateral role, should be a higher one.
Anonymous
+1 – this totally depends on how large your employer is.
Anon
Fair, there’s going to be more opportunities in a larger company. My point is don’t forget to take that into consideration. I’ve seen too many people move for small raises when they’d make double or triple by staying at one place and moving up.
Anon
This is the opposite of what I’ve seen (stay in one role and get very small raises for years vs. doubling one’s salary in one move). I guess it’s easy enough to just stay where you are if the offers aren’t good enough!
Anonymous
I’m sure it is industry and role dependent, but that’s very much not true from what I’ve seen. I think the opposite happens–someone who has worked a decade or so somewhere is often pigeonholed into their role. The leap from manager to director or director to VP is often made easier by going somewhere else. Someone new is seen as bringing in new ideas, skills, technology exposure, etc. I think a lot of companies would prefer to find fresh leadership talent than invest as heavily as they need to in training and development. When you are new in a leadership role, you automatically are given a certain degree of respect by title. When you advance into a role internally, it’s because you’ve had to prove yourself over and over. (Of course, company size and organizational structure also play a big role.)
I think the bigger issue stunting the value of mobility, rather than “job hopping perception,” is whether you have stayed somewhere long enough to demonstrate notable successes and also your age. When you hit 40s or later (especially when you have a high salary), you see fewer positions worth pursuing and it’s often much harder to compete against younger (cheaper) talent.
s
I’m sure it is industry and role dependent, but that’s very much not true from what I’ve seen. I think the opposite happens–someone who has worked a decade or so somewhere is often pigeonholed into their role. The leap from manager to director or director to VP is often made easier by going somewhere else. Someone new is seen as bringing in new ideas, skills, technology exposure, etc. I think a lot of companies would prefer to find fresh leadership talent than invest as heavily as they need to in training and development. When you are new in a leadership role, you automatically are given a certain degree of respect by title. When you advance into a role internally, it’s because you’ve had to prove yourself over and over. (Of course, company size and organizational structure also play a big role.)
I think the bigger issue stunting the value of mobility, rather than “job hopping perception,” is whether you have stayed somewhere long enough to demonstrate notable successes and also your age. When you hit 40s or later (especially when you have a high salary), you see fewer positions worth pursuing and it’s often much harder to compete against younger (cheaper) talent.
s in chicago
Total opposite from what I’ve observed. You’re more likely to be pigen holed into a role by staying somewhere 10 years. When you move roles outside, you immediately have some respect by title. Internally, you have to earn that year over year and try to get past folks’ prejudices around your capabilities, at least when moving from manager to director or director to VP. Most companies view a new hire as bringing in new ideas, experience with different technologies, insights from competitors and others in the space–that usually trumps internal, especially when so many companies don’t devote enough time and resources to development and education.
I think the bigger issue is that you need to be somewhere long enough to be able to point to tangible improvements. Also, at a certain point, usually in your 40s, you start to have a harder time getting new gigs–so where you ultimately land matters a lot more. Ageism is real. And once you hit a certain salary level it gets harder to compete with still experienced but cheaper talent.
NYNY
As a hiring manager in healthcare finance, job hopping is something I look for. If there’s a pattern of short stints due to promotions, that tells me that the candidate is bright and driven (and I don’t consider it job hopping). If there’s a pattern of short stints for lateral roles, that tells me I will have to recruit again within 18 months and generally means I’ll decline to interview that candidate.
Anon
But don’t you worry that similarly this will be a high level candidate that will just use you as a stepping stone and then they’ll leave in a year?
Anon
I ask because in my industry, we look for people who will stay, and not leave and immediately start competing.
NYNY
I work for a large organization, so I’m happy to hire people who are looking to grow within the organization. Sometimes I’m able to promote them within my team, and sometimes they move out of my team but stay within the organization, but both are good outcomes.
Anon
I’m also in non-profits (charities/foundations) and 1-2 year stints is so common because people work on contract and there isn’t always money to guarantee their salary!
Anonymous
We met at a bar. My parents met at work – he was the help.desk and she was terrible at tech. My mother met her second husband because his daughter and I did the same sport. My father met his second wife at the gym. My maternal grandparents met in dance lessons.
Anonymous
Inspired by the conversations about what is- and isn’t- okay when asking someone out, and really how that has changed over time (what was fine back in the day is maybe a little atypical now). How did you and your spouse meet? Your parents? Grandparents? Married kids?
DH and I met in college in the early aughts. My parents met at a keg party when they were home from college (party was held by brothers; my mom knew one brother and my dad knew the other). DH’s parents met at work in their early 30s (unclear on the power dynamics, if any- they worked for a megacorp in the 70s and 80s). I’m not sure about all the grandparents- one set met in town and were HS sweethearts, one set of mine met when my grandfather was on leave from the navy in the town my grandmother was “summering” in with her aunt (this wasn’t glamorous in any way so i’m putting it in quotes)- I think he may have been doing yard work for her aunt.
Anon
Me & DH – met through mutual friends soon after college
parents – met in grad school
paternal grandparents – high school sweethearts (my grandmother didn’t go to college)
maternal grandparents – met on an ocean liner between the US and England (my grandmother was American, my grandfather was British) after they’d both finished college
I’m unusual I think but when I was growing up my parents told me not to marry someone from high school or college because they felt it was too soon to get tied down. I can understand high school, but I don’t personally see a huge difference between college and grad school.
Anonymous
I’d say don’t get married in college or immediately after college (really before 25, don’t get married before 25!)
Anon
Yeah, I agree with that. But they told me not to marry a person I dated in college which is what feels a little extreme to me. It worked out for me though – my college BF was a nice guy but a terrible match for me and I met my husband soon after we broke up.
JTM
My husband and I “met” on Twitter and we met in person a year later when I was in his city.
My parents met at work – my mom was bank teller & my dad was an accountant at the same bank.
Anonymous
This is a fun question. I’m in my mid 30s. My husband and I lived in the same dorm freshman year and he asked me out after we were spending a ton of time together as friends.
Funnily enough, our parents each met the same way – my mom married her best friend’s brother and his dad married his best friend’s sister.
One set of my grandparent’s met at a candy/soda shop after a movie – my grandfather was there with his brother and my grandmother was there with the receptionist from my grandfather’s job. He asked the receptionist for my grandmother’s number at work the following week.
My other set of grandparents met in a wild (to me) way – my grandfather went on a date with my grandmother’s cousin (who she was close to), they bumped into my grandmother on the date, and then at the end of the date he told her cousin he wasn’t interested and asked for my grandmother’s number! Her cousin was apparently also not interested, and she and her cousin remained close.
Pep
My parents met on a double date – my dad was the date of my mom’s friend. The friend and my dad were just that – “dates,” not bf/gf so the friend was happy to step aside when sparks flew between mom and dad.
Anon
As someone who’s been friendly but not close with all my boyfriends’ sisters, including my now husband’s sister, your parents situation is my dream! I would love to have a bestie for a SIL.
Brontosaurus
I also met my spouse in our freshman dorm.
My parents met when my dad tagged along with his friend to her softball game. His buddy was dating another girl on my mom’s team. Mom’s jersey was 11, and he kept saying “hey one-one, nice play” and she at first thought he was an idiot who couldn’t count. And the rest is history.
Anon
I find myself going full-on Borgia with my kids: he’s smart and from a good family; we should marry you off to cement our alliance. Has definitely rid them of any princess fantasies.
Anon
Not me, but happened to one of my friends. Her parents and his parents were church friends (extremely devout catholics) and they tried to my friend and the other family’s son to get married for years. Friend and the son were good friends who hung out all the time and everyone just assumed it would happen eventually. Except for friend and the son, who both knew the son was gay.
Anon
Met my husband when we lived together in grad school in the late 00s (good thing I was too broke to live on my own!). I met my other long term serious boyfriend after college in the early 00s through work but not at work (we never interacted at work, but met when a mutual work friend invited us both to an event outside of work). My parents were part of the same social group in the late 70s and met through events with mutual friends, don’t know exactly about my grandparents.
Anonymous
Mid- 40s – DH and I met at a university where he was a grad student and I was doing a short internship (completely separate faculties and no work interaction/crossover).
My parents met in high school and married after they graduated university.
My maternal grandparents met at university (he was a lab assistant/PhD student, she worked at the nurse’s office).
My paternal grandparents met at church in their 30s and had my Dad and his brother when my grandmother was 39 and 41.
Anonymous
On your reference to ‘fine then isn’t now’. DH’s science faculty was rife with male professors dating/marrying grad students. It was viewed as a super gross work environment even 20 years ago. Plenty of my family are doctors. None have dated their patients or patient adjacent.
Anon
OTOH, I have seen medical workplace romances among male supervisory people and female subordinates that are among the worst in terms of true headline risk (lawyers also). I will say most people are adults but the people with a LOT of issues always seem to find each other and toxicity ensues. It’s painful to be a co-worker who has to watch, especially when many of us may know both spouses and have kids in school with the affected kids.
Cb
My husband and I – at work, I was working a PT job in an admin role during my PhD. My husband worked in the same office.
My parents – blind date, my mom wasn’t impressed but gave him a second date, they got married at 21 and had me at 26.
My grandparents – paternal, in high school, got married as soon as they graduated, as my dad was on the way, maternal – friends, my grandma was 19, she wanted to go to college, her dad wouldn’t pay for it, so she eloped to Lake Tahoe and proceeded to have 10 kids.
My community is largely expat academics and I think people who didn’t come coupled met at work somehow.
Anon
We met on a plane! I know I was insanely lucky but it’s a fun story to tell. I was bad with apps and was taking a break from dating. This was 6 years ago so not ancient history or anything.
Anon
My parents met at work. My grandparents were set up via the Christian Science Society in college (lol). Other grandparents met a party through mutual friends.
anon.
My husband and I were set up on a blind date by mutual friends. That was 11+ years ago and we have two kids now.
Anon
no clue how my grandparents met, but DH & I met in college in 2006, he was a friend of my friend’s date to our sorority party. DH’s parents were introduced by a mutual friend in the early 80. My parents were initially set up by friends, didn’t hit it off and then my mom actually did come to my dad as a patient (he’s an ophthalmologist) and they reconnected and it went from there, also in the early 80s. My sister met her husband on an app, maybe like in 2013? Of my married cousins who are my generation, 2 met via apps, 1 met at work, 1 met bc she came to look at his apartment that was listed on craig’s list (she did not take the room, but it is how they met), 1 met at a gathering hosted by mutual friends.
Anon
Met my husband on a dating website (1998, pre apps). My parents met when my dad was between military assignments and was temporarily managing an all women’s apartment/rooming house. She was living there while working as a typist/secretary and hoping to meet her figure husband as she was worried about being an “old maid” at age 24!
Anon
My maternal grandparents met when train tracks were being laid through the reservation my grandmother grew up on/was a teacher at, and my grandfather had some seasonal work on it.
I don’t know how my paternal grandparents met but they were from the same tiny town in the Deep South, and since my family tree on that side is really more of a twisting vine, it was probably inevitable. (By which I mean there were 4-5 family names in town and over a few generations probably everyone was related by blood or marriage.)
nuqotw
So fun!
Spouse and I met at a party hosted by mutual friends. My parents met in college. MIL was visiting relatives and her uncle set her up on a date. The person he wanted to set her up with was busy that night but his brother, FIL, was available.
It occurs to me I’m not sure how my grandparents met – time to consult the family historians!
nuqotw
W/respect to what’s an appropriate way to meet and date…when spouse and I got engaged we were amused to observe that older/more religiously centrist folk were all “It’s wonderful how God brings the right people together!” while younger/more religiously right folk would smile politely to conceal their still-visible horror at the idea of a coeducational party. (All of these people are religiously far to the right of us, and on his side. I was probably more amused than spouse.)
Anon
I moved to the Bible Belt from the east coast. It is downright bizarre to me how few people have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I swear, you can all hang out together and not end up in a massive orgy at the end, you know? You can avoid “situationships” by using your words.
Anon
FWIW, I went to a state U but always lived in the all-girl dorms (the M-F ratio was out of whack even back then). I lament that I knew guys mainly as dating partners and not as friends initially. It’s evened out in adulthood because I work in a male-dominated area and my main hobby is mostly adult men also, so it’s evened out. I didn’t have brothers, but would have welcomed some G-rated guy involvement b/c the women drama can be intense at times and breaks from that were good.
OTOH, the all-girl dorms were so much nicer smelling.
Anoon
This is such an interesting topic to me because all my life I had mixed-sex friend groups and boy-friends who were not romantically intertwined at all. My DH went to an all-boys high school, and had a lot of girlfriends, but not a lot of girl-friends until college. I was like, how did you date these girls you didnt even know? It blew my mind that he had never been in class with a girl– like never had a girl make a brilliant point during lecture or get the highest score on a test.
Anon
@11:22 I read that as your main hobby is adult men, which I think you meant differently, but hey, get it girl!
Anon
I’m the Anon at 10:59 am. Before moving here, my friends were split roughly evenly between men and women.
It’s sad to me because I think it benefits people to have female and female friends. You get perspectives on life and situations that you otherwise wouldn’t get. I feel like people here don’t just default to stereotypes; it’s almost impossible to get them to think beyond the stereotypes. (Women are not a monolith!) If you’re a man with several women friends, you’re going to notice that they don’t think the same way about everything, whether it be careers, kids, hobbies, or even gardening drives. So if/when you get married, it’s easier to treat your wife as a *person* and not a composite of stereotypes or as some totally foreign entity.
Anonymous
Lol, I took the-comment at 11:22 as her hobby literally being men, not doing things with men 😂
Pep
XH and I worked for the same company (different departments). There was a flirtation, but no action taken. After I left the company, I mentioned to a mutual work friend that if XH was interested, she could pass along my number. He called that very night.
I’m not sure how my grandparents met. I wish I had asked.
My brother is married to his high school sweetheart. He’s 56 so it’s been a while!
My sister met her XH when she was a college student, and he was a bartender in a bar in the college town.
My parents story is in a reply to the Anonymous at 10:07 post.
Anon
My parents were set up on a blind date because their families were friends.
In Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance there’s an interesting section about how meeting people has changed so much. People used to stay in the same place their whole lives so they would meet people in their community – through church, through friends and family, etc. Now we have to use apps and it’s awful.
Anon
“Have to use the apps” is a bit of a stretch. The apps are a good way to meet people, but many people still meet in college, grad school, through mutual friends, in bars, at work, etc. And I’m someone who moved 1,500+ miles away from home for college and never went back and most of my college and grad school friends did the same. I actually could not have imagined dating to find a life partner in my small midwest hometown because I felt like I’d known everyone since kindergarten and had good reasons to reject all of them (including the fact that a very large number of them were already engaged or quasi-engaged by high school graduation!). I didn’t choose my college location because of dating options, but I think it made it much easier than it would be if I’d stayed in my small hometown.
Roxie
Yes but – as we saw demonstrated a bit yesterday- people are much less open to meeting people organically because they see it as taking a risk that is now outside cultural norms that could have consequences. This is honestly an area where men have a point and it’s gotten pretty toxic in terms of discourse. If people can’t agree when it is appropriate to ask someone out in person – and clearly there is disagreement even among this relatively homogeneous group here- then apps become the primary method.
Anon
Well you’ll notice that none of the places I listed was “doctor’s office” ;) but seriously I don’t think anyone thinks it’s taboo to ask out a college or grad school classmate or a friend of a friend or someone you meet in a bar or at a concert. There are lots of social places to meet people, particularly in your 20s, that don’t involve fraught relationships like doctor-patient, lawyer-client, student-professor, etc.
Anon
I met my husband when he interviewed me for a job. Awful, right? It was my third time trying to get hired at my dream law firm. He was a senior associate and I was a junior. I finally got the job. We worked together for a year before he asked me out – but by the time we actually started dating I felt like we were already a couple. This sounds so cringe when I type this. I did sexual harassment training for year and hoped nobody would find out that I didn’t follow my own advice.
My parents and his parents both met in high school. My parents were together from age 15 and had a long and happy marriage.
Anon
I met my husband in a class in grad school. My parents met because my mom was my dad’s nurse. My in laws met because my mother in law was my father in law’s best friend’s cousin. My sister met her husband in 3rd grade and thru a series of bad timing and happenstance didn’t marry until they were in their 50s. My daughter met her husband through friends. My son met his wife the first day of undergrad. And now people will know I comment here.
Anon
I met my husband at a bar when we were both early 30s. My parents met at a sports/squash club also in their early 30s. Both sets of grandparents met in high school.
Anonymous
Me and my husband–we are in our early 40’s and we met the summer before 9th grade. We were friends in high school and hung out with the same group of people, were involved in the same activities. We went to different colleges. We ended up in the same city after college, literally ran into each other at a sporting event. (I was talking with my friend and not really paying attention and ran smack into him lol. He now admits he saw me and put himself in front of me.) Been together ever since.
My parents grew up in the same small town (different from where my husband and I grew up) and went to the same high school, but my dad was 3 years older so they didn’t really know each other. They had a lot of mutual friends and my mom was friends with my dad’s brother and brother’s girlfriend (they got married too). My mom and dad went to the same college and had the same major and reconnected and then got married after college.
My mom’s parents both moved from small towns to attend college and met in college. My grandma was a cheerleader and my grandpa was a football player. My grandma graduated high school 2 years early so was only 16 when she went to college. They got married after they both graduated.
My husband’s parents met at work. She was a nurse and he was a (married!) doctor. He got divorced and married her. There was a 15 year age difference. It was as scandalous as it sounds! They lived in a small town and eventually moved to a different state (to my state!)
Anon
One of my local friends is the product of a married doctor affair with his nurse. When the nurse/my friend’s mom found she was pregnant, he finally got a divorce then and married her. But apparently Mom spent the rest of her married life trying to prevent her husband from hiring attractive nurses!
Anon
Fun question!
My husband and I met at a ‘work’ happy hour. I had left my previous job but was still in touch with my old coworkers who had a regular Thursday night drinks meet up. My new female co-workers were psyched to come with me as the hedge fund I used to work at was mainly guys. My husband had been heads down getting his MBA when I worked there so we only met for the first time that night but had lots of common friends. Two long term relationships actually happened between my old/new company which was fun!
My parents met in college and dated the whole 4 years and then married right after. My maternal grandparents met in church and my paternal grandparents lived on the same block and it was a very ‘girl next door’ romance.
NYNY
This is a fun one!
– DH and I met on the stairs of our apartment building.
– My parents met in college, and my dad still tells the story of being smitten with mom the first day of class.
– My maternal grandparents were teachers at the same (very small) school.
– My paternal grandparents have the best story: Their families owned competing general stores in a small town and lived above the stores, which were across Main Street from each other. They fell in love, but kept it secret. They would signal to each other from their windows to meet up and go dancing.
NYNY
Forgot the juicy part of my maternal grandparents’ story! They eloped during the Great Depression, and kept their marriage a secret until the end of the school year because the school only allowed single women to work there. My understanding of the rationale is that, because jobs were scarce, they wanted to keep it to one job per family, and of course the man needs to be the breadwinner. Anyway, Grandma hated teaching and was happy to give it up at the end of the year, lol.
Anon
I have a friend who met her husband during a fire alarm evacuation at their NYC apartment building!
NYNY
love!
Anonymous
I met my husband in the laundry room of our apartment building. Now he does all my laundry.
Anon
Haha score!
NYNY
This is the dream!
Anon
I met my husband when a mutual friend invited us both to the same happy hour. My parents met at a bridge game.
KS IT Chick
My parents technically met at work. My mom was a new teacher in the school, and my dad was a student teacher. He was in the classroom down the hall, and it was apparently a Big Deal that Mr ____ was dating Miss_____. This was complicated by my mom’s younger sister living with her to go to college.
My husband’s parents met because his mom was camping with her sister’s family, and her BIL worked with his dad. He decided to drag his coworker on the camping trip. We have a letter his dad wrote to his own mom that night, saying he had met the woman he was going to marry, that she was an angel sent down to him.
Anon
A lot of our same-age married friends met in high school, college, grad school, or in some kind of group class setting, and that goes for us as well. I assume we are just not as cool as some of my same age cousins who met at parties and bars! The younger couples I know met as neighbors, through work, or through mutual friends. The one married couple that I know for a fact met through an app are very religiously conservative, so I feel it was more of an old fashioned match making thing in their case!
Anonymous
My husband and I met at Grand Central Terminal. He was looking for a date set up through an app, I was waiting for a friend. I wasn’t the date, but apparently was the one! My parents met through mutual friends, my dad was engaged to someone else at the time and had to break up. Paternal grandparents had a semi-arranged marriage, Grandma came over from Ireland by herself as a teen, I don’t recall who sponsored her. She married her best friend’s brother. My maternal grandparents met because my grandmother’s family were displaced persons due to the war, and my grandfather’s family helped people get settled. After they got married, they continued to help what they called “DPs” until it wasn’t needed.
Anon
i love how you met your husband!
NYNY
I love this but also want to hear what happened with his date!
Anonymous
I love your story. I also met someone at Grand Central (Oyster Bar) and corresponded for a bit but we live many states away so never met up again. I mentioned it to my mother and she said that my grandmother used to meet my grandfather there often when he returned from business trips on the train.
Anonymous
We met at a bar. My parents met at work – he was the help.desk and she was terrible at tech. My mother met her second husband because his daughter and I did the same sport. My father met his second wife at the gym. My maternal grandparents met in dance lessons.
Anon
My maternal grandparents met at church.
My paternal grandmother lost her 1st husband in her 30s. She soon after married his best friend – my grandfather. He died soon after. Widowed twice by the age of 40 was enough for her.
My parents met in college. They married way to young, but this was done then.
One brother met his wife through friends/favorite activity (hiking).
Other brother is a serial monogamist. He is very social and has tons of hobbies and meets very interesting women. Sadly, they all want to marry him and start having kids, but our parents terrible marriage has scared him away from marriage. Somehow, he remains friends with all of his Exs.
I’m single.
Anon
re: your brother. I was at drinks last night with some colleagues, one of whom has a 30+ year old son who has had a girlfriend/SO for years now. My colleague said that he finally said to his son “stop wasting her time!” And I was so glad to hear that from a man. Apparently girlfriend has wanted to get engaged & have kids for years now and son keeps giving her the “when we’re ready” response. For years.
Anon
Of my late twenties-early thirties friends, few couples met on a dating app. They mostly met out in the wild during their 20s or ended up with someone they knew from school. Plenty of relationships came from the apps but eventually their spouse was someone they met IRL. DH is a college classmate I reconnected with several years after graduating. My parents went to high school together then started dating in their late 20s.
anon
– me and DH: church-hosted square dance
– my parents: church-hosted square dance
– grandparents: church-hosted square dance and – crazy – church-hosted roller-skating party
Anon
That is wild. Are you a big square dancer now, having grown up in a square dancing family? I’m imagining all of your gingham dresses and crinolines.
anon
do you know, I’ve never even thought about it until reading this question? church square dances are pretty common in my region/denomination so it’s a common way for people to meet! Few are serious square dancers, just fans of potlucks and socializing with a little music and dancing thrown in. I thought this was very silly and old-fashioned as a teenager and then my dorm at my Christian college went to a local church’s square dance and there was a very cute boy and that was that.
It went out of fashion for awhile I think and then has become popular again – went to our church’s third annual potluck square dance this weekend with my kids. It is a really nice way to meet people. I should get a gingham dress and crinoline :-)
anon
Please share your region/denomination, this is fascinating!
anon
My great-grandparents were very into square dancing! That is a term I haven’t heard about in a long time.
Anon
It is so charming and lovely. Everyone is so happy and kind and smiling.
Old timey story
I just heard this story from my 100 year old grandmother. She was walking down main street in their small midwest town and my grandfather asked her to get into his car (!!!!!!) to go for a ride. I think he was on leave from the service. She had seen him around town but they didn’t go to school together. Apparently it was quite a selling point for a guy to have a car back then.
Anon
Assume grandma got herself into that car lickety split or you wouldn’t be here!
But probably cautioned her daughters and granddaughters not to get into a stranger’s car for the rest of her life.
Anon
I’m currently single (30), but both of my exes are guys I met in college, was friends with, and then dated. And stayed friends with.
My parents met at a friend’s birthday gathering at a bar. It was one of my dad’s closest friends and a friend of a friend for my mom. They’re still really good friends with everyone who was at the party.
My dad’s parents met at work: my grandmother was my grandfather’s boss in a corporate job in the 1940s (after the war). He was older but she was more senior since he had been in the war so had less experience.
My mom’s parents met because my grandmother was babysitting for a family friend who lived next door to my grandfather’s family. After the war, they went to the same college and reconnected there.
Anon.
I met my husband at a national science competition in my last year of high school.
Several others we met at that event have also met their partner either there or at alumni events for participants.
Needless to say, we’re all a bunch of nerds :)
Senior Attorney
I met my first husband through a personal ad in a magazine — the precursor to the apps! This was in 1984.
Second husband, match.com. .
Third husband, we first laid eyes on each other at work, but I was still married to No. 2 and our interactions were all in the courtroom but I liked what I saw. Then several years later we ran into one another at the local Rotary Club, and the rest is history.
Parents: My dad swears my mom came up to him on the beach and said, “Hi, my name is Susie Smith and I’m lonely!”
anonn
but what does your mom say?
Senior Attorney
She stoutly denied it until her dying day!
Anonymous
I met my husband in a pharmacy right after I’d moved to a new city, but we would have met the next week anyway because it turned out we worked in the same office (different teams/specialties). We didn’t start dating for a couple months, though, we both had to break off long-distance relationships first.
My parents met when my dad was a medical resident and my mom was an audiologist at his hospital.
I don’t know how my grandparents met. I’ll have to ask my last surviving one. :(
Anon
Yes, ask all the questions while you can. And record their voice telling some classic stories, words of wisdom…
NaoNao
I met my spouse at work. We worked in different departments and had roughly the same level, although he was in a specialized technical help line job and I was in instructional design. A manager that knew us both hand picked my spouse to help me with a project as a stealth set up and he was right! Together 7 years, friends for 8. :)
My parents were set up by a mutual friend through their church
My grandmother worked for my step-grandfather as his secretary, and my paternal bio-grandad married the girl next door (my step-grandmother) and joined their farms and families for his second marriage (and hers).
Numbersmouse
My partner and I met through friends. My parents met in grad school. My paternal grandparents met in college when they were both students. My maternal grandparents also met “in college”… but my grandfather was the professor and my grandmother his 19-year-old student. And yes, as much as I love them both, I do think it was creepy and definitely shouldn’t fly anymore.
Anonymous
Inspired by the conversations about what is- and isn’t- okay when asking someone out, and really how that has changed over time (what was fine back in the day is maybe a little atypical now). How did you and your spouse meet? Your parents? Grandparents? Your kids?
DH and I met in college in the early aughts. My parents met at a keg party when they were home from college (party was held by brothers; my mom knew one brother and my dad knew the other). DH’s parents met at work in their early 30s (unclear on the power dynamics, if any- they worked for a megacorp in the 70s and 80s). I’m not sure about all the grandparents- one set met in town and were HS sweethearts, one set of mine met when my grandfather was on leave from the navy in the town my grandmother was “summering” in with her aunt (this wasn’t glamorous in any way so i’m putting it in quotes)- I think he may have been doing yard work for her aunt.
Been There
What is your favorite cream blush? Preferably in stick format.
anon.
Commenting so I remember to come check this. I use Nars Multistick and have for years but interested in other responses because I’ve been window shopping online for a new one.
Anonymous
NARS The Multiple
ALT
Merit! It’s not a stick per se—more like a little dome—but it’s easy to use and blends like a dream.
Anon
Ilia multistick. It’s small but lasts. It’s not a stick, but Glossier Cloud Paint is also excellent and lasts forever.
Anon
I really like the Tower 28 pot blushes. Bobbi Brown has made pot rouge forever. Beauty Pie makes some good ones too.
I tried the NARS The Multiple sticks in a couple of different colors, but I ended up liking the results of pot blushes better.
Anon
Another vote for Nars The Multiple.
Anon
Not exactly what you asked, but I bought liquid ELF blush on a whim and really like it. I use a flat brush to apply it. It lasts longer than my NARS powder blush and the application is more precise.
Anon
I bought that one too. I can only use a tiny tiny amount of it, otherwise it’s too much!
Anon
The Rhode pocket blush is legitimately the best one I’ve ever used. I’ve also used and like the Pat McGrath stick blush and the Tower 28 cream blush but the Rhode is by far the best – blends out like a dream and looks super natural.
Anon
Violette_FR!
NYS
Sticks are the only blush format I like, and I use them daily!
I’ve had Nars multiple matte several times; the colors are nice but the formula runs a little dry for me. I used Clinique chubby sticks for years and like the formula but not the colors (sigh).
I’m currently using and loving a multistick (in my mind!) that is cheap and marketed as a lip product. I picked up the scarlet color and found immediately that the formula is too dry for my lips but works great on cheeks; the color payoff is excellent and lasts all day.
This is Pixi Hydra Lip Treat: https://www.pixibeauty.com/products/hydra-liptreat
Community question: Do multisticks like Boom Sticks ever truly work well on both cheeks and lips?
Anon
I have never found anything that works for both cheeks and lips, personally. Anything good for lips is too emollient for my cheeks, and anything good for cheeks is too dry for my lips. Those Stila pot blushes were supposed to be lip/cheek products, and they were so little they made sense to slip into your purse back in the day. But they were never any good for lips for me.
Anon
Olio e Osso without a doubt. I recommend the color French Melon as sheer but buildable, with a face brightening effect. Berry is good for a cool toned effect and is also sheer but buildable. These balms are also genuinely usable on both cheeks and lips.
Anon
Now that I think about it, I probably like cream blushes in pots better because, in the stick format they have to be drier in order to not break off. I think the cream blush in the pot ends up being better for me because of my dry skin.
Roxie
Ilia!
The rare beauty ones are pretty good too, when I want more color.
NaoNao
Westman Atelier by far–it’s spendy but SO worth it.
Anon
I’m struggling to decide when to tell my work that I’m pregnant. I am 15 weeks now (due in early March 2025) and was planning on waiting until at least 20 weeks (after the scan, when I start to show), but we are in intense budget talks right now and have to submit our 2025 budget by the end of September. I am in house and my team is small (4 lawyers, 5 paralegals) so my 4 month maternity leave will definitely affect our budget both with the reshuffling of work to outside counsel and with reprioritization as my work is redistributed. Should I just go ahead and tell the team now? By way of background, I have had several losses so telling people is even more nerve-wracking.
Anonymous
Not a lawyer but I would do what is best for you, not your employer. Budgets can be changed.
Sunshine
+1. Budgets can be changed. The only thing we know about any budget is it’s a good-guess forecast and will be wrong by some amount in favor or something or someone. You just happen to already know one reason the budget will be wrong. Do what’s best for you and keep to your original plan. Sending good vibes that your pregnancy is a success and you have a healthy baby in March.
Anon
This, 100%. Your job can adjust. Do what’s right for you and your family.
Anonymous
If you work in government I would say disclose, if you work in private sector don’t.
Anonymous
I was thinking tell in another week until I got to your last line. It’s perfectly fine to waiting until after 20 weeks or even after viability around 24-26 weeks in that scenario. Sending you lots of love.
Anon
Yea as someone with a history of losses, I would wait until the latest possible moment. Sending good vibes your way.
Anon
I would wait until exactly the time that works for you. You can always say that you wanted to tell earlier for planning purposes but that earlier losses caused you to wait.
anon
+1 that anyone with a shred of decency should have a ton of understanding for someone delayed sharing news of a pregnancy due to previous losses.
Olivia Rodrigo
Kindly, you don’t owe them an explanation as to why you told when you told. This is good news for you and you need to go in and treat it as such! Hopefully your employer does the same.
Anon
All depends on your actual workplace. I’m a GC and have had my team tell me early and it’s been super helpful for planning, etc but I’m also extremely supportive and we have an almost all women-led group where we all have kids so it’s NBD from a work “consequences” perspective. If you have any reason to think you could face adverse consequences, hold off a bit. And I agree budgets can always be changed.
Anonymous
It’s great if your team wants to disclose early but no one should feel like they need to. Not everyone wants to have to tell their colleagues about a miscarriage or TFMR.
Anon
I’m the original poster and I completely agree. My comment reflects the actual culture we have, which is supportive and great. I promise there is zero pressure involved.
Anokha
I’m in-house, not a GC, and +1 to everything above: Budgets can always be changed, and tell on your timeline for when you feel comfortable sharing.
Anon
I am of the belief that people have medical reasons for taking a leave of absence all the time. Usually, there is very little warning: cancer diagnoses, heart attacks, parent who has a stroke and needs their kid to help out. The fact that pregnancy is known up to 8 months in advance of leave doesn’t mean that companies lose the ability to adjust for these absences in the one specific case of pregnancy.
Just my own experience regarding showing, YMMV: right around 21 weeks, I started to look quite fluffy around the middle. At almost exactly 23 weeks, I was unmistakably pregnant. I said something at work right around week 22, and someone later said to me that they were happy I said something, because people were wondering and didn’t want to ask. I worked in a very male dominated industry, so even not-observant dudes figured it out.
Which is to say, where you are at, things change *fast* in how you look. That doesn’t mean you have to disclose on any particular timeline; just be aware.
Josie P
+1 on timing will vary. I looked pregnant at 10 weeks and stretched it to 13 all 3 times but people definitely knew before I told anyone.
Anon
Not just “timing varies,” but “things can change fast during the second trimester.”
IMHO, it’s best to have some flexibility in plans, even if that flexibility is having a script ready. That script can just be: dude date in March, high risk pregnancy, thanks for asking, let’s change the subject.
Anon
You can tell whenever you want but I wouldn’t count on keeping it a secret much past the first trimester. Women show in the face and breasts before the belly, so it’s not really just about what your stomach looks like. I told work at 16 weeks and a lot of people (including some single men) had already guessed. And fwiw, I’m tall, didn’t gain much weight while pregnant and didn’t have a noticeable belly until probably 28+ weeks.
Anon
I’m the person above who started to show in the stomach at week 23. Our receptionist guessed at week 7 or something like that; she just has that intuition.
IMHO, it’s a combination of things that don’t occur together except during pregnancy. Women often look exhausted but have glowing skin and look rounder (not drawn) in the face, and their hair can get thicker. So it’s not sickness, insomnia, any of that; it would make your skin look dull and your face look drawn, and maybe your hair would look a bit thinner if you were sick.
(My chest barely changed, 32DD before pregnancy to 34DD at the very end of pregnancy).
Anon
With my son, who was born 20 months after my daughter, I told the boss I was pregnant when I was 12 weeks along. He said “did you think I was blind?”
Anon
Agree with all the points already made– I also wanted to chime in and say that even if you think you look pregnant, your coworkers really may not notice unless you’re wearing super form fitting clothes. I started telling my office around 14 weeks when I popped, but I mostly wore dresses in a size up all summer and most people didn’t notice unless I said something until recently. (I’m 32 weeks now). FWIW– I’m up 30 lbs, so it’s not like I’ve had less than normal weight gain.
Anonymous
I think the 20-week scan is reasonable but much beyond that is risky. You don’t want to have to disclose in the context of requesting FMLA for bed rest.
Anon
+1
Anon
This. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter when you think you’re “showing.” Some people may guess super early, others will be oblivious until the third trimester. It’s really not a big deal if people suspect you’re pregnant before you announce. But if you disclose much past 20 weeks, you run the risk of announcing the pregnancy at the same time you ask for medical leave for bed rest/complications, which is not a great situation to be in.
Nina
Any recommendations for a good drug store highlighter? A friend used some on me and I want to try it out more. Medium-dark skin tone, brown hair and eyes.
Anon
The ELF halo glow is fantastic. More of a complexion booster than a highlighter but it makes my skin super glowy.
anonamouse
+ 1 for Halo Glow. I use it all over, then apply concealer only where needed, and get a lovely “lit from within” glow that isn’t just oily looking. It’s also a huge bottle and so affordable. Perfect dupe for the Charlotte Tilbury Wonderglow. Shade range is somewhat limited, but it’s a very sheer product without a ton of color so you have some leeway.
Calico Cat
Colourpop Super Shock highlighter. Apply with your fingers or a damp sponge.
HYU
Any recommendations for a classic black heel for work. Key is that it must be COMFORTABLE!
Anon
How high do you want the heel to be?
Anon
Sarah Flint.
Anon
Journee shoes are really comfortable and (I think) cute.
Anon
LK Bennett Floret pump. Only heels I can wear all day.
Anon
The Naturalizer Michelle. The almond toe is comfortable without looking dowdy. Tons of padding and a reasonable heel height.
Anonymous
Clarks Ambyr Joy platform pump. Super comfortable.
ANon
What boots are in style for fall? My daily use black chelsea boots need to be replaced.
Anon
I really like this dress but some of the comments say the fit is dowdy. I may actually have to go into a brick and mortar store to try it on. Shudder.
Anon
To me it looks like what Serena Joy might wear to a funeral.
Of Counsel
A funeral is one of the places where Serena Joy dresses are entirely appropriate.
I was just thinking that my winter “funeral” dress needs to be replaced so I will definitely check this one out. And yes – I have a winter and summer funeral dress because I learned that lesson the hard way.
Anon
I’ve owned this dress for 2 years and absolutely love it. It is appropriate for lots of work or more casual occasions and the tie in the front meant that it was very comfortable for concealing an early pregnancy. It also feels like a sweatshirt, packs very well and has pockets.
Anon
This is very helpful. Thanks.
How to learn how to wear heels again
Post pandemic I almost exclusively wear flats or tennis shoes. But I like the look of heels! Even short ones now bother me though. any tips on getting back into heels and getting used to them? I don’t think comfort of heels themselves is the issue – my foot is just not used to being angled at all!
Anon
Wedges? Chunky soles or blocky heels?
Personally, I love the look of heels on other people but feel like I put my time in with them in years past, and am now happiest in flats of one kind or another. It is great to go about my day without thinking about how my feet feel, and to just walk with no regard for whether my shoes will cause issues if I take the stairs instead of the elevator. Even for fancy attire events, enjoying the party in blingy flats is freeing.
OP
Yeah, I really just want to be able to wear them for black tie events. I’m on the shorter side – only 5’2″ – which is part of it. And I just don’t know that I can anymore!
Anon
You need to work up to stilettos or anything particularly high. Wearing heels works different muscles than flats, so treat it like you’re training for an athletic endeavor. Start with low block heels, work your way up to high block heels, then switch to a narrower heel. Heeled booties are a good interim step as well- it takes less effort to keep them on your feet than a pump.
anon
Size up. If you are like me, your old heels were probably a bit too snug and after wearing flats and tennis shoes your feet have no reverted to a less squished, wider shape. Also, buy ones where the leather is soft to avoid any blisters.
Anon
For me, a platform goes a long way. So you have the height of heel, but your foot isn’t as slanted forward because there is a platform in the front offseting the height of the heel in the back. You could go totally retro with a 70s style with the platform front and a tall block heel in the back, and an ankle strap. I actually love that look.
Anon
Here’s the kind of shoe I’m talking about. I don’t know whether Quince shoes are any good, but this is an example of a 70s retro style (and also 40s retro!) that gives you height with a somewhat offsetting platform in the front. The ankle strap helps the shoes stay on your feet, which can be a real problem for some of us with standard pumps with no straps, especially when you’re no longer used to wearing heels.
https://www.quince.com/women/italian-leather-crisscross-block-heel-platform-sandal?color=black-suede
OP
Thanks! Just ordered these to try actually!
Anon
Interested to hear how they are IRL!
Anon
Has anybody updated to iOS 18 yet? I’m trying to decide if I want to. It sounds like they really bungled the photos app.
Anon
I have and have not had any problems.
Cat
I have, no noticeable issues
Shelle
Yes and everything I’ve noticed so far is fine for me except I don’t have a Google Keep widget anymore. But Google may just need time to catch up and create one.
Anon
I had to update early to 18 Beta when 17 glitched and nearly bricked my phone, so I’ve had it for about 10 weeks now.
Photos is awful – I frequently get disgusted with it and just give up on finding something. I do appreciate the power of the search feature – I had taken a pic of an antique dining table while out shopping, and it was able to find it when I searched table. And like FB memories, it keeps highlighting old pics I’d rather not see on a random day (but don’t want to delete).
But other than my grumbling about Photos, I really don’t notice any other significant changes.
Anon
My annual ragweed-induced respiratory explosion has arrived. The ragweed pollen affects me more like a cold–congestion, sore throat, and then coughing. I wish I could wear a sign in public that says, “No, I do not have a contagious infection. I just inhaled a bunch of ragweed and my entire respiratory system is now inflamed.” It happens every September but somehow I am always surprised.
Anon
Same. I just go around announcing “Ragweed not cooties. Sorry!” Current regimen is Claritin pill, scrip Flonase nasal spray, and Zaditor eye drops in the morning, neti when I get home and will be inside for the rest of the day, and Zyrtec at bedtime.
anonshmanon
This is idle curiosity, as I don’t know much about seasonal allergies – would a good face mask prevent ingestion? Or does it also irritate the mucus membrane in your eyes?
Anonymous
I have a colleague who finds a mask helpful for allergies.
Anon.
I wear my N95 respirator when I do yard work and on days where the pollen seems to fly around visibly. It helps!
Anon
Is that what it is?? Same exact thing is happening to me and it’s so annoying.
Anon.
Ragweed and grass pollen are both crazy right now.
I have had to switch from my year-round maintenance dose of desloratadine to levocetirizine – for some reason, it happens every year that the maintenance dose of whatever I’m using doesn’t work any more, and then I switch to another antihistamine for a bit. I also use olopatadine eyedrops in the morning and chilled saline drops at night to flush out and cool my eyes when they feel especially raw. A cold eye mask helps, too. Nasal saline rinses might be useful, too.
I also make it a point to shower and rinse my hair at night to get rid of all the pollen in my hair. Since I have curly hair, it means I might shower and wash my hair again in the morning – I accept this as an inconvenience during this season.
I live in the Midwest and usually August-October are miserable between grass, ragweed pollen and a lot of plant material and dust being released by various harvesting activities in my area. I was diagnosed with an allergy to corn and soy pollen, so FML.
Anon
Solidarity, it’s bad for me right now too. I can’t take Claritin or any other antihistimine except at night because they make me so drowsy. Fortunately I work from home so I’m not sneezing all over anyone, but it’s still miserable.
Anon
When is it time to start immune tolerance therapy? I was just reading that while allergy shots are still needed for a lot of allergens, they finally have oral doses for ragweed and was feeling tempted…
Anon
I had allergy shots. It was a pain but it also completely eliminated my symptoms.
Anonymous
If you have a female friend you text with most days – mostly funny stuff from work, news, gossip – and you knew she was having her first child today by c section, when would you check in? Would you just wait for when she or her DH reach out and say – it’s a boy or girl, here’s the name? Would you check in in a few days if you hear nothing? I don’t have kids and don’t want to be annoying as she’s obviously recovering from surgery and this whole thing is high risk. I don’t want to be bothering an already stressed out couple where the mom is high risk, who knows if the baby will be in NICU. But I also don’t want to act like I don’t care by not saying a word.
Anonymous
“Thinking of you today! <3"
Anon
This is what I would do (and have done).
Sunshine
From someone else who doesn’t have children but whose BFF had two c-sections but nothing was high risk or NICU. I would check in later today or tomorrow with a text that says you’re thinking about her family and hope everyone is doing well and no response is expected to take off any pressure she may feel to respond if she doesn’t feel like it.
My BFF was happy I checked in the afternoon after her c-section because hours and hours in the hospital can be super boring and I was at least some entertainment, which was a low bar during those days. She was happy to send pictures and, with her second, even wanted to do a phone call.
Anonymous
I would send a message today saying something like “I know you have a lot going on, and no pressure to respond, but wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you!”
Anon
+1
My best friends didn’t have c sections, but they texted me when their water broke and they were headed to the hospital and I sent a quick “thinking of you!” text and then otherwise didn’t communicate until I got the “baby is here” text from them. I live texted my labor more, but I was induced and bored out of my mind.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
Yes, just wait. If it’s a schedule C-section, she’s not sitting around in labor having nothing to do. She’s busy, you’ll hear when they’re ready to tell you.
Anonymous
I’ve got two kids and I would say check in, but don’t ask questions that require a response. “Thinking of you!” “Good luck today!” Something of that ilk. I loved getting messages like that. And once I’d rested a bit, I wanted to text with my friends, but I didn’t want to “force” my baby on them. So having that entrée already made was awesome.
Anonymous
OP here – for those that know anything about this, do hospitals do c sections like many other surgeries – get here at 4 am, surgery at 6 or 7 am? Or are they done all day long? Is it possible to have a scheduled c section at 3 pm? I assume all day because I can’t imagine that in a medium or large hospital you are the only c section of the day but just curious?
Anon
I think they schedule you, but you can get bumped for emergencies, which makes sense.
I was induced and asked the same thing, but at my hospital, a post-dates induction is prioritized above an earlier induction (“because placentas only last so long”). So at 40W, even an induction happens on schedule. But a 39W c-section that isn’t an emergency may be delayed for a critical-need unscheduled c-section (placental abruption).
Anon
My hospital schedules c-sections at 6-7 am, which allows the OB to do the surgery and then start seeing patients at 8:30-9 am. My c-section last time was technically scheduled, but like several hours ahead of time, and it was at 8:30 am.
Anon
All day long at the hospital I gave birth, which was a large teaching hospital in NYC. You are scheduled for a particular time, but as someone else mentioned, can get bumped if there is an emergency.
Anon
they are done all day long. many aren’t planned. i had a sort of scheduled C section. Just send your friend a text, thinking of you today! or good luck or something like that. i would’ve been annoyed if a friend who knew i was going in for a c section sent nothing (well truthfully i wouldnt have had time/energy to realize who sent what at the moment, but it meant a lot)
Anokha
All day long — my c-section was circa 5 pm.
Anon
All day long. My C was scheduled for 2 but I didn’t end up going in until closer to 6 because an emergency twin C took priority over me. It was a very long, boring afternoon – I would have appreciated the the distraction of some random texts.
Anonymous
Any recommendations for pet insurance companies? A friend has a sick animal so she recommended it, but I’m unfamiliar with the main companies. Thx!
Anon
They’re all pretty terrible honestly. They exclude a lot of things. That said, Lemonade offered an OK price for my dog’s insurance.
Pet insurance providers are going to ask the dog’s vet for medical records, and they will exclude anything the dog has already had treatment for.
I had my policy on my rescue dog for just about three months when she injured her ACL and they excluded that because they have a six month waiting for ACL stuff, which I didn’t realize. So far, they haven’t paid for anything.
One of the options you can choose for more premium is prescription coverage, and they may cover things like flea medicine. That can end up being a decent deal, depending on how much the premium charge is and how much the medicines ordinarily cost.
Anon
Pro tip: many pet meds are available at Costco pharmacies and the prices are great.
anon
Pets Best has been great for us. Get it young while they’re healthy and don’t have preexisting conditions.
Digby
We have Trupanion for our dog. We got the coverage when he was about three months old, and he developed a seizure disorder at about six months, so it was good timing.
Trupanion has a deductible (that you get to choose, and which affects your monthly premium) per issue, not per year. So my dog long ago met his deductible for the seizure disorder, and now Trupanion pays 90% of his meds (about $150 per month). But if he develops hip dysplasia, he’ll have a new deductible for that condition.
When we bought the coverage, we were thinking “Our last dogs were healthy all their lives, until they had very expensive cancer in their final months,” so we were planning for one catastrophic health event later in life. We may not have gone with the Trupanion model had we known we would be dealing with health issues almost from the start.
Also, they have increased the monthly premium by probably 40% in the 3.5 years we’ve had the coverage. I’m assuming that’s because we’re filing all of those Rx claims every month.
They don’t cover office visits or routine annual vaccines and tests.
Anon
I haven’t heard great things about pet insurance and my pet has a disqualifying pre-existing condition anyway.
But I have wondered before if there are any kinds of special savings accounts because the alternative is just to sock money away!
Anon
I haven’t heard great things about pet insurance coming through, and my pet has a disqualifying pre-existing condition anyway.
But I have wondered before if there are any kinds of special savings accounts because the alternative is just to sock money away!
Anonymous
If you have investment income or any other business or side income other than your full time job, do you count that as part of your total or gross income? Or is it kind of an after thought or you just see it as savings?
Sunshine
I earn a small amount on the side. We treat it as part of our total gross income but more like we do bonuses because the money is not predictable enough in frequency or amount to be part of our budgeting. Usually the money just disappears into the checking account with our direct deposits from our employers to be spent or saved the same as everything else. However, we recently were struggling with whether to spend money on a purchase that we both want but is more than we usually spend, and I suggested we treat my next few checks as the money to pay for that purchase; that framing made spending the money much easier for DH.
Anonymous
It depends how reliable the income is, and for what purpose. For taxes I report it all to my accountant. For retirement planning purposes I will include things like dividends that are pretty reliable.
For a side hustle that wasn’t making a lot compared to my main job I’d probably just look at it as pin money unless I had a target that I knew I could hit reliably every year.
Anon
I have a travel blog and currently use the extra income to fund more/nicer travel, so I guess essentially putting it back into the “business.” We’re talking $10-15k/year though, not full time income replacement.
Anon
For taxes, yes, I report everything.
For any other purpose, I don’t count those in my income because they are relatively small. I have a small side hustle that makes <$100 per year (neglected Etsy shop selling PDF knitting patterns I developed many years ago). I structure our medium-term savings in various interest-earning accounts that bring in far more than my side hustle, probably a bit over $1k per year. This all just ends up back in our general bank balance. I mentally treat it as my discretionary spending budget for clothes and shoes, but do not really track it or separate it out in any manner.
Anon.
We own two rental properties abroad and count the proceeds as part of our total income, as we obviously should. The expenses and loan for these activities count as such for tax purposes, i.e. we report everything.
Anonymous
If you have a very forgetful loved one who loses everything, what is your role? My husband misplaces everything — wallet, prescription glasses, keys. I’ve put an Apple card tag in the wallet and I try to keep an eye out for things that don’t belong where they should be, but this time he’s misplaced something important (that affects me) and I just find myself so angry.
Anonymous
My role was telling him to go get an assessment and a prescription for Vyvanse. I was tired of being his second brain and it’s not fair and it’s gendered BS.
Anon
+1 to this. I’m the partner with ADHD and one of my kids has it as well. Now that the kiddo with ADHD is in her teens we are pushing more of the executive functioning tasks to her (with support and guidance). I’m not going to be there to be her second brain in college and it’s not fair you are doing this for your spouse.
Anon
We got our teen with AuDHD an OT coach who works with teens and adults on EF skills. My likely ADHD husband would do well to see her.
FWIW, my mom was my dad’s brain and caretaker. Now that she has died, I have to put my dad in assisted living. There isn’t anything really wrong with him, but he doesn’t cook and daily tasks are just overwhelming to him. Not sure if her high functioning masks some cognitive decline in him, but instead of moving him into a condo for a 2K/month costs, he’s in assisted living for 4x the costs, so there is a bottom line to learning survival skills or saving to outsource that as you age.
anon
+ Vyvanse and better systems helped me. Vyvanse helps create and implement those better systems in a way I was never able to without it. I wasn’t as bad as OP’s husband, and got an ADHD diagnosis before I met my partner, but that’s really what helped. And now my life is SO much better. My partner already carries more of the load on executive functioning than I do (for which I am eternally grateful, and I contribute in other ways……….), and I’m glad he doesn’t have to deal with pre-Vyvanse me.
Anon
Being pissed off about it is an appropriate response. He knows he has issues in this area and it sounds like he isn’t really doing anything to fix them. I note that you said YOU put the air tag in his wallet, not him. So he’s still in the mode of thinking you’re just going to magically come in and fix this for him.
I think it’s time to lay down the law that he needs to figure out a way to manage this, and not for you to manage this, especially when it affects you.
Sunshine
I hate to say it, but I think this is a price of admission issue. I grew up with a very disorganized mom who misplaced stuff all the time, and it drove me batty. Probably as a result, my sibling and I are the exact opposite. But, from living with someone who was so disorganized and who wanted to be organized and tried all the systems, I learned it wasn’t going to change. Her brain worked like a toddler’s in some respects: when she was done with something, she just set it down wherever that place might have been. Of course she never remembered where that item was later because it wasn’t where it belonged. And I never figured out a way to retrain her brain, and neither did she. I cannot tell you how many days I was late to school because the car keys were “missing.” I absolutely love my mom and this is not me complaining about childhood. It just is who she is.
My only suggestion is to keep a separate copy of the things that are important to you, if possible, for yourself that DH doesn’t know about. And when DH cannot find the car keys, that’s not your problem – that’s his problem that you don’t need to fix or be annoyed by. Make sure you know where your keys are, or where an extra set is if you share a car, if you need to go somewhere. He probably won’t stop doing this even if he wants to.
Anonymous
+1. We all have strengths and weaknesses and getting at him because his brain works differently than yours is silly. Mine can never find stuff, but he deals with me being annoying in different ways: I can’t do math in my head, have no sense of spatial relations and melt down during customer service calls.
Anonymous
and I should note that his way of “dealing” with it yesterday was to completely trash the house — cushions everywhere. He had to park the car in the driveway because the garage looks like a hurricane hit it.
Anon
I’m angry with you. If I knew you’d say, let’s go get a drink and talk shit about your husband.
One thing you should not do is fix this for him and he should clean up after himself. That is the hill I would die on.
Anon
I agree. Trashing the house is not an acceptable response, nor is making you clean it up.
My partner misplaces things sometimes, and I’ve just decided it’s not my issue. He can find it or have to get a new phone or whatever if he’s not going to deal with a known problem. I would be very mad if it affected me, and triply so if he then trashed the house!!
Anon
+1. I would be pissed if I was you. Fwiw, I have definitely had ADHD related screw-ups but I apologized, took ownership, and implemented solutions for the issue – not ignored things and then created havoc around me.
Anon
I hope you mean he trashed the house in his frantic search for the missing item, not in some sort of tantrum.
He absolutely should be putting the house back in order himself.
And I think it is worth you formulating your own boundaries and then having a conversation with him after this about the larger issue. It is immature and irresponsible for him to dump this level of caretaking on you without your consent. He can be irresponsible himself, of course, but he needs to come up with guardrails to prevent it from becoming your burden. If that means he learns to be more intentional about where he sets things down, sets reminders on his phone to put his keys and wallet on the desk before he eats dinner, puts a sticky note on the mirror to empty his pockets before things go in the laundry, purchases a dedicated tray for the home office where he trains himself to put important documents, whatever, he needs to do that work himself.
Anonymous
yes, he was just searching. if i had to guess he was pissed while doing it, both at himself for misplacing it and me for not helping.
anon for this
Does he see this as a problem that is worth putting some effort into navigating, or each time is it a new and novel annoyance?
I’d be pissed right along with you, fwiw. My husband is terribly disorganized and for most of it I acknowledge that it’s the price of admission, and I run the household. It doesn’t usually bother me but I also have zero patience for recurring complaints that he has the power to fix, and have told him so.
Anonymous
My husband used to be pretty disorganized like this. He still can be sometimes but he has really worked to train himself to always put things in the exact same place every time. One of our children is like this too and we work with her to train herself similarly.
What really changed for him was when he accidentally lost my keys. He felt so, so bad and did all the work to get me a new set made.
Cb
Oh I’m this person… keys left in the garage door, phone in the fridge, locked out of the banking app, passport in whatever bag I travelled with last. But I try to do my best (I put my keys on a lanyard of shame and make myself wear it) and if I screw up, I try not to make my errors his problem. I’d feel really awful if my partner was so furious at me, because I’m already beating myself up.
Anon
I could easily be like that, but have to force myself to be Spock-like and only put the keys on the key tray, only put my phone in 1 of two places.
I do have reading glasses in about 7 places from home to car to work to various purses and work bags.
anon
Yeah, I’m this person too. My partner has custody of all really important tangible items in our household. I will say, I try not to make my lost stuff her problem, but she’ll often help me find things without judgment even though she doesn’t have to, and I appreciate it so, so, so much. (And of course I try to support her in areas where I’m stronger and she’s weaker.)
Anon
Ehh, being mad at yourself doesn’t mean your partner can’t be mad at you either.
Anon
Agree. In OP’s case I’d be furious, and it sounds very much like this is her last straw.
Anon
Cb you need to listen to “Why Try to Change Me Now?” by Fiona Apple.
Actually, everyone needs to listen to it, because it’s so well performed.
Anonymous
so I’m the OP and I’m ADHD myself. I have a number of systems in place to help me not lose things.
He doesn’t identify as ADHD at all. (He has a few traits that might be OCD, but no diagnosis.)
Anon
That seems to be the issue – he won’t acknowledge he has any issues with losing things, and won’t put those systems into place for himself, right? You’re supposed to fix it for him?
Stop fixing it for sure, and if this is a dealbreaker for you, time to tell him.
Anon NYC
My bf is the one who loses things. He’ll forget his keys when he goes to work and touch base with me since I work from home. If he wanted to hold on to his passport that would be a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to deal with his lost passport as we are waiting for the Uber to the airport.
Anon
I don’t know, it seems like you’re implementing systems to help yourself, and the OP’s husband isn’t. Also I hope that you wouldn’t trash the house and expect someone to clean up after you if you couldn’t find something important! For me, it’s the understanding that there’s a problem and steps to make sure it doesn’t affect the other person that makes a big difference.
anonn
lol lanyard of shame. I have the neon phone case of shame.
Anonymous
You have every right to be angry. And to stop being his extra brain.
If you want to do something that might help, might not, do a general declutter of shared stuff in “landing place” areas. He can probably handle a lot less stuff and organisation than you, so having less stuff might help. Since this is impacting you as well, it might be worthwhile.
Anon
It should be on him to come up with a better system. But tel him to keep a running list of where he finds missing items. Add baskets or whatever to those areas so at least there’s a clear landing spot for stuff. And the next time he loses something he can check the locations on his list.
Anon
A good friend disappeared during a time when I was out of state tending to sick family and then a funeral. After a while, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen her or checked in in week, if not a month. She is a busy working mom and had a tough year after a tough year, probably going back at least 2 decades. It turns out, she is in a facility now, I’m guessing for what we used to call “nerves”. She has her phone with her and texts maybe weekly. I see her husband about the neighborhood. Do I ask to go see her? I think there are set visiting days though and he goes then. Do I ask when she’s coming home? So far, it’s been a few “How’s Leisl”? “Doing OK” and nothing more. I don’t want to push or pry but I’m not sure what to do here. I send her pleasant meme a week or encouraging texts here and there.
Anonymous
I think you could say to him “I’d be happy to visit lisel if that’s something she’d be interested in, no pressure though!”
Anon
This is what I did – I wrote a letter/card, by hand. Texting is not an good way to communicate with someone in a serious mental health crisis. A loving letter, perhaps reminiscing about some good times/old memories, hearing how much she means to you can be powerful. Tell her you are so sorry she is going through such a hard time, and that you are there for her. I sent the letter with several books that would be allowed that she might enjoy. Lighter/interesting things. Continue to keep in touch with her.
People do not go to a facility for “nerves”. She has a serious mental health disorder, and thank goodness now she is getting treatment. Now is when she would appreciate a gesture from a good friend. Thanks for being one and for texting her. Her husband is probably a mess too. Sending him food is appreciated.
Anonymous
If she has her phone and is in communication with you, why can’t you ask her?
Anon
I mean, if it’s a broken leg, I’d ask. But here, consider that you are in the dark because people want it that way. Phones may be locked away. Do you even know where your friend is?
Anonymous
if you use placemats on your table or counter, do they help control clutter? right now the table and counter are both continually covered with crap.
Cat
No, they just become an additional piece of clutter. (Source – in laws’ house, where there are placemats everywhere that are covered by books, mail to deal with, shopping lists, bowls for keys, half-consumed cups of water that got lost, etc etc)
Anon
I’m not sure what you mean — we use placemats under our plates when we eat, but I’ve never heard of placemats as a way to control clutter. Are you talking about trays?
Cat
I think the OP is wondering if they serve as a visual “reserved” sign for that surface. Like no don’t dump the contents of your backpack here because it’s meant to be kept clean for eating.
Based on my anecdata, that results in the same clutter that is now on top of the placemats.
Anon
IME, the clutter needs its own reserved place; otherwise, it’s the dining room table.
Anon
Yes, I do think it helps. We have set places where we eat, and my family members know under penalty of the Mom Death Stare (which no one wants) that they don’t put stuff on Mom’s placemat. Everyone has learned this the hard way.
Anon
I don’t have a counter/kitchen island. We have a dining room we eat all meals at (unless I’m eating at my desk) and people try to clutter up the table all the time (husband, two kids.) I am the cook in the family, and I refuse to set the table for something I made alongside newspapers, homework, keys, whatever. I am that grumpy mom telling everyone to put their sh1t away before we can eat, and they mostly do. That way it doesn’t pile up. I will recycle any paper left there for very long, so people have learned not to leave anything they can’t afford to lose there.
Anon
I have never used placemats since moving out on my own. I tried for a hot minute when we first got married, but my husband would spill things on them constantly, catch them with his arm and drag the whole place setting off the table, etc., so we retired them after a few days.
We corral things with trays near the entries for keys and eye glasses, hooks for coats, hats, and dog leashes, a basket on the console table for mail, dedicated places on the desk for chargers and airpods, etc. Shoes belong on the stand near the rug, bags go on the bench by the door, umbrellas go in the corner stand.
For stuff that just needs a temporary resting spot, we each use our chair at the dining table. Since we eat at the table at least once a day, this forces us to take care of the pile of library books that need to go to the car or the random tools that need to go back in the closet. We have made it a routine part of setting the table: if you can’t sit in your chair, you need to run the items to their next location before you join the meal.
CR
The baskets hung on a wall changed my life! https://a.co/d/5q666N8
Boston Tourist
Boston recommendations! I went to college there a very long time ago and have a day there tomorrow with my boyfriend, who has never been. I want to show him some of my old haunts (if they still exist), but thought I’d crowdsource some recommendations from you guys for what we could do all day to show him my favorite city in the US before we head off to the rest of our New England adventure. I was planning to show him Harvard Square, Quincy Market/Faneuil Hall for a little history, and Newbury Street, but would definitely love some more current suggestions rather than just what I thought was cool while I was in college. Also, any good lunch suggestions? We’ve got a reservation for dinner, but wasn’t sure what part of town we’d be in around lunchtime unless there was a good spot we should plan our itinerary around. TIA!
Anon
I’d just stop in at a Tatte or a Flour bakery location for lunch – both very yummy and solid but not super $$ though they do get crowded.
I guess it really depends on his interest – The Science Museum, Harvard Museum and the Isabella Gardner are great but that’s a pretty big time committment. It’s a bit cheesy, but the duck boats can be really fun and cover the highlights – maybe do that?
Anon100
The Mapparium at the Mary Eddy Baker Library! It’s definitely a different sort of experience to stand *inside* a large globe and look at countries that don’t exist anymore since the globe was made prior to WW2. Also, it’s close to Back Bay or depending on time, there’s also the rose garden in Back Bay Fens.
+1 to Tatte or Flour for lunch
Anon
Well, one of my favorite things in Boston was an hour wandering in the Gardner museum with lunch at their tiny cafe. Just sitting in the indoor garden…
Anonymous
Does anyone else feel a constant obligation to be the bigger person? Like I can’t stoop to anyone’s level or everything will unravel. It’s all on my shoulders to manage the emotionally unregulated, but part of me just wants to be sh*tty back for once.
anonshmanon
Sounds kind of like I feel at work. Some departments are just terrible and the rest of us need to treat them with professionalism and fix their mistakes.
Anonymous
Yep, precisely.
Moose
Yes, but I feel the main issue is not my inclination to be the bigger person, which can be useful, but the resentment that builds when it feels like you’re the only one making that effort.
Anon
Yes I very much feel this and am constantly amazed that other people don’t. I truly don’t understand how some individuals I know get away with being so rude and antisocial and still function as adults, maintain employment, etc. I am not a people pleaser in the slightest, but I treat everyone with basic manners and don’t make cutting remarks to friends or colleagues. Still, I am on the receiving end of them (or other social snubs) on occasion, usually from other women. I don’t understand it, I just don’t function that way.
Anon
For me, that kind of score keeping, fantasizing about responding in kind or retaliating, is a sure sign I need time off. Rest. Relaxation. Recharging. Recentering. And more energy for being the person I am choosing to be.
Often, the second person draws the foul (sports reference). So it can be in our best interest to not be sh*tty right back.
Although, if there is a wide-spread, systemic problem at your work which is causing you extra labor, you may want to explore other long term solutions which don’t involve lowering your standard of behavior.
Anon
+100000 to all of this.
Responding in kind never actually makes me feel better, it prolongs my already crappy feelings about a situation.
anondem
Kamala is that you?
Anon
<3 have you seen the video where she's asked about her favorite swear word, with a clip from the debate next to it? Hilarious.
Anon
That video lives in my brain rent free! Sooo good.
Anon
+1
I love it almost as the one of her and her sister…. Sister General.
Anon
“This mmmmm… former president…”
Anon
You win the internet for today.
Anon
I used to, and then decided to let people feel the consequences of their actions. That doesn’t mean I’m rude back; I just don’t use myself as a buffer for their nonsense.
Anon
Great point! It is such a great skill to allow people the consequences of their actions without providing a buffer, cleaning up, making excuses, making it better … or sinking to their level in our own actions.
Anon
Man, I’m feeling so seen by this right now and I didn’t even realize it before.
Seventh Sister
Yeah, I do. I also feel like I am constantly trying to dissuade grown adults from childish, counterproductive behavior. For instance, I’m in a volunteer org where one of the officers wants to get into a turf war with a school administrator who isn’t fond of our org anyway.