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Anon
I have no medical background and my only exposure to dementia is a neighbor with it (she lives at home: husband and local family help out). But now it’s been raised for my dad, but with the background that he and my mom were together since they were teens, they each did certain roles (she cooked and was the household manager, two key tasks even in retirement). She died recently after a sudden illness that took a couple gruesome months to end her life (is he almost a secondary patient here?). He isn’t doing well. Grief, depression, maybe dementia? I don’t even know how to sort this out and help him but if it is dementia, I feel that I can’t just move him to my city but he probably needs an environment just for that, yes?
Anon
What makes you think he has dementia? Being lost and adrift after the loss of a longtime partner is totally normal. Either way, I think moving him to your city (if he’s willing) is fine. If it is dementia, better to get him settled near you before it progresses.
Anon
OP here. It wasn’t in my radar but came in some doctor notes following an ER visit and hospital stay (probably not needed if he had had someone local to drive him to the doctor and watch him at home). Not any convos I had with people at the hospital. And since my only option when he had nothing wrong with him medically (per the hospital), was to put him in a nursing home temporarily, upon an intake appointment with their doctor (who didn’t see him prior but had seen the hospital notes). I have MyChart for him and re-read the voluminous ER and admission notes and reports and there is no mention of dementia at all. CT scan showed “volume loss appropriate for age.” IDK how to sort this out to get to an answer and a plan. I have hired an elder care advisor to help me and help with planning for where to put him in my city and transition to a second local care advisor.
Anon
I also will say that sometimes in elderly people, it can look a lot like dementia and not what you expect a 50 year old to seem like when adrift.
My father had open heart surgery, and we took care of my mother (78 at the time). I would have sworn she had dementia. Confused to the extreme, forgetful way beyond normal, suddenly got feeble. It was shocking. Apparently the stress of the situation took a huge toll on her. Once he was back home, she recovered, too.
Definitely keep an eye on him and help! It might be dementia but it also could be the stress and grief. I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re going through all this. It is so so hard.
Anon
I’m sorry are you calling 50 elderly?!
Anon
I think they’re saying that at 50 grief looks like grief but in late 70s/80s grief can seem more like cognitive impairment and confusion.
Anon
I think she meant the opposite (that 50 =/= 78).
Anon
Anon at 11:05 is correct! 50 is definitely not elderly.
Cat
I mean, I’m assuming I’m 30-40 years younger than your dad, and just picturing taking on a bunch of house tasks that my husband is the primary on? After a sudden death? I would be a basket case. Like every time I did that task I’d be reminded of my absent husband. Why are you assuming dementia as opposed to grief?
anon
+1
If my mom passes first, my dad is not going to know how to take care of himself or the house because my mom has done it for more than 40 years now. It is a sad reality.
Anon
I spent several years working in grocery stores, and walked so many elderly, newly bereaved men through the store to re-learn (if they ever knew) how to grocery shop. A little kindness and patience goes a long way, and the vast majority of the guys I saw do figure things out but those first months are tough!
Anon
I live near a store like this where many seniors shop daily just for some human contact.
Anon
I worked with elderly people in a former job and want to say thank you for this incredible kindness. These elderly people would rave about actions like your for weeks following; it was always such a bright spot for them.
Anon
My parents were friends with a much older couple who served as our surrogate grandparents. The husband of that couple treated his wife like a child – he did everything for her, she didn’t know a thing about the bills, she didn’t drive.
My mother, a devout catholic, prayed every Sunday that the wife would die before the husband did. Fortunately, she got her wish.
Anon
Both things are possible. This could just be grief and struggling to learn to do things a partner did for decades. However, it’s also not uncommon for a partner to be compensating for the early stages of dementia and once they’re gone it’s suddenly apparent that the surviving partner can’t really function on their own. I saw this happen with my own grandparents. Either way, it would seem to make sense to move him closer to you if he’s willing.
Anon
I definitely see this as sort of both sides being true. In my families’ historic communities, people born there lived there until they died, so with a lot of support throughout their lifetimes. In modern America, kids are often distant and older people can struggle with life changes like losing a spouse when they have grown interdependent over a long married life together. So IDK how many people had dementia in prior generations but it never got problematic because of support and something else taking them down first, usually something cardiac. But I can see how the stress and grief of losing a partner (particularly a husband losing a wife) can just knock them down in a way that they just can’t find it within themselves to go forward. And with any loss of daily life structure (no one cooks breakfast so you don’t have breakfast to get up for, repeat for a few weeks), things just spiral fast, especially without local family.
Last week I talked to a court employee who handled probating wills in a rural aging county where most kids leave for college and don’t come back and it was really eye-opening. Their rescue squad is often a “recovery squad” and it’s just so hard on everyone. IDK what the answer is, but my guess this is common in a lot of small-town places now.
An.On.
I would give it a little bit to see if your father is truly facing dementia (which could have been masked with your mother’s assistance) or if he is simply in the throes of deep grief. Forgetfulness, fog, and sleepwalking through daily tasks aren’t necessarily indicators of dementia. I deal with widows and widowers a lot, and there’s a good chunk of them who go through this phase, sometimes for months. Serious dementia might look more like going to a 4 pm appointment at 4 am, or leaving the house and getting lost. In the meantime, see what extraordinary tasks you can take on for him (calling utilities, updating bank accounts, etc, one-time kind of items) and keep an eye on he’s doing with his regular day-to-day (grocery shopping, getting dressed, yardwork/house maintenance, etc).
Anonymous
In all your questions and concerns about your dad, do your best to separate out what needs to be dealt with RIGHT NOW versus what can wait a bit to sort itself out. Two things you know for certain:
1. He is grieving, adrift, and worn out after a sudden and horrible few months.
2. You are grieving, weary, and stressed after a sudden and horrible few months.
To the extent that you can, allow both of you to settle a bit from what has just happened. It’s very hard for anyone (you or him) to think clearly in the aftermath of what has happened.
Anon
Is he scattered and teary, or is he doing things like forgetting a dear friend’s name or what year it is? Big difference. Don’t ignore the latter. Hugs to you.
Anon
OP here. He’s just overwhelmed with her estate, bills, upkeep of a too-big house. All understandable. Will eat if you bring him food. Not a lot of energy for self-care. I can fix everything but his heart and mind, and have taken everything but getting better off of his plate for the near-term future so he won’t worry.
Anon
None of this sounds like dementia, as someone who lost a grandparent to it. Sorry for his and your loss.
Anecdata
fwiw, this very much sounds like my grandfather in the first year or two after his wife passed away – I think he didn’t each much beyond beans from a can for months. But after some time, he did kind of emerge, was ready to think about what he wanted next, moved closer to family, eventually entered assisted living, enjoyed talking with family and watching his teams and sitting outside – I have some some really treasured memories of long conversations with him as a young adult, and I think the last few years of his life were healing in many ways. I hope the same is true for your family too.
Bette
Had almost this same exact scenario happen with my in-laws.
After the spouse died, it was apparent that were deficiencies in processing for the surviving spouse. In retrospect the deceased spouse was compensating and it came to a head when the previous support systems were removed.
I’d suggest getting an appointment with a memory clinic so that they can assess what is happening here. It took us a couple months to get on the schedule so I’d reach out now.
At the very least it will establish a baseline to measure future assessments from.
They also have various medicines to slow cognitive decline now, so best to start taking them early.
Anonymous
OP, sharing a suggestion my therapist gave me for my aging parent – if possible, you might try to get him a full neurological workup from a neurologist to help you sort out what is going on and what support he might need either now or in the future. If your father is anything like mine, he might also find this more palatable than something like talking to a psychiatrist or therapist. [Also if your father is anything like mine you will not be able to make this very rational idea happen, but hopefully your father is more tractable].
One other practical tip – AARP has a lot of caregiving resources that might be useful tools for you in figuring out what kind of supports he needs – like checklists of things to discuss such as does he need help grocery shopping, getting to doctor’s appointments, modifying his home to be more accessible, etc. This might help you sort through what can be a very overwhelming list of things to think about.
I know from personal experience that caregiving from afar is really hard, so sending all the hugs to you right now, especially since you just lost your mom and in a brutal way.
Anonymous
PS – my layperson’s understanding that looking at brain imaging from one point in time isn’t enough to make a solid diagnosis – you need to see progression in gray matter loss over time, as there is a fair amount of variation in what is normal/baseline for an individual.
Also, there are downsides to removing someone from their community and moving them to yours – you would probably become the only person he knows if you move him to where you live. Building a new social support system is hard at any age, but maybe especially for seniors. I think in a lot of caregiving cases there isn’t really a good solution, so you have to find the least bad solution and accept imperfections.
Anon
When my father was struggling with a mood disorder after a huge personal loss, and became convinced his memory slips/difficulty managing were signs of Alzheimer’s disease, we took him to see a Neurologist specializing in Memory disorders. They did a thorough assessment. They reassured him that he did not have dementia/Alzheimer’s disease, which had been a fear of his for years. They told him he needed to see a geriatric psychiatrist to help treat his depression. It helped a lot.
Anon
And he would have never gone to see a psychiatrist on his own. But the Neurologist “prescribing” this follow-up worked.
Anon
And he would have never gone to see a psychiatrist on his own. But the Neurologist “prescribing” this follow-up worked.
GLP1 Shortage
Can anyone comment on the current state of the Wegovy shortage for the lower dose pen? Two years ago it wasn’t available at all. I’ve now been on Ozempic for nearly two years and then had a job and insurance change last month. New insurance won’t cover it. I’m so freaking frustrated.
And, a question about insurance appeals. My doctor is saying my new insurance provider (BCBS) has been firm that they will not accept appeals. I’m assuming that means for my medical profile (insulin resistant, but not prediabetic or diabetic) they know it won’t be successful. I do I push or just let it lie? Do I call my insurance directly to find out more? This is new territory for me.
Anonymous
BCBS definitely accepts appeals (whether they grant them is a whole different story, but I digress…). Does your provider just mean for wegovy and that class of drugs specifically? (Like he knows it won’t work?)
Anon
You can always appeal but if their policy is that they only cover that drug under X conditions and you definitely don’t meet that, there may be no grounds for an appeal and the doctor isn’t willing to waste their time. You should have gotten a letter denying your claim that states this.
OP
I suspect that’s what’s going on – it’s that my case may not qualify. I have a friend who was formally diagnosed as pre-diabetic who got Ozempic approved by BCBS. I’m not 100% but suspect that may be the standard. Waiting for doc to confirm, but they’re trying to pivot me to Wegovy, which I’m not opposed to I just know the shortages have been rough at the lower doses. Sounds like 0.25 is problematic but 0.5 (which I’m on) may be less problematic?
Anonymous
I haven’t had too much trouble with .5. Like max I’ve called three pharmacies and been able to find it.
Anonymous
I have Carefirst/BCBS and my doctor said not to even try to get coverage if your A1c is normal – they won’t approve.
Anon
Honestly, I doubt you have a chance. If you had some really unusual health threatening situation because of that insulin resistance that can’t be treated with any other treatment, then maybe. But if you are otherwise healthy, then I think then you may be out of luck.
Sure I would call, and sure I might attempt an appeal if your doctor is willing, and honestly I always have to do at least 2 appeals as the first is often automatically rejected and you wanted the 3rd try to go external for the best chance. But no doctor is going to want to do this for you because they have a dozen other patients asking them to do the same thing. They just don’t have the time, and will resent you for asking them to do something that will fail.
This is an example of one of the terrible end results of our opaque medical system. You never know, when your insurance changes, what will be covered and at what cost…. until you actually try to get it.
Anon
You need to find the “medical policy” for BCBS for your plan/US state. You may need to check the non-formulary exception criteria if (as is likely) Ozempic is not on the formulary for your indication.
Since you have insulin resistance, are you sure you’re not prediabetic? Some people have false normal A1C (e.g. because they have short lived red blood cells for some reason, or because their blood sugar also goes low canceling out the highs for a false normal results) and need a glucose tolerance test to prove they’re prediabetic and meet criteria.
OP
I’m not sure about your second paragraph but interesting question/take. I’ve been on metformin for nearly a decade, in case that matters. I’ll make a note to ask my doc at my appointment next week.
Anon
Zepbound and Monjaro don’t require a diabetes diagnosis. Is a switch possible from O to one of them a consideration?
Anon
If your insurance is a group health plan that is covered by ERISA, there are minimum appeal procedures required by law. They can’t just say they don’t accept appeals. There is info on the Department of Labor website about the required appeal procedures.
Anonymous
Yes this is true. But if you’re not diabetic or even pre diabetic you’re not getting Ozempic on appeal. Wegovy is literally the same thing.
Anon
The doctor said that, not the insurance company.
Anonymous
It’s been a bit challenging to find but I’ve always been able to get it
Housecounsel
Compounded GLP-1s are an option. Not the best option, but an option.
Anonymous
Do you have any recommendations where to get them so it’s a reliable pharmacy?
New Here
Can’t advise on insurance.
I wasn’t able to fill my Wegoy September 2023 – April 2024. I’ve had no problems getting it since April. I asked the pharmacist then if the shortage seemed to be getting better and she said yes. I’m up to 1.7.
Anonymous
For years I have shunned protein shakes or powders- I absolutely hate the texture. But my doctor is recommending I add 30-50g of protein and realistically, the only way I’ll even get close is a protein shake. Any recommendations? I can plug my nose and chug but would rather have something palatable. I do not really care about sugar and sodium and other levels right now, I would much prefer taste that I could handle instead of forcing it down. For reference, Premier Protein premade shakes taste funny/off to me… so looking for something even “tastier” if at all possible.
anon
Have you tried using a plain vanilla powder in a smoothie to help mask the taste a bit?
Anonymous
Have you tried the Fairlife elite shakes? I find them OK and I usually mix them with cold brew in the morning.
anon
Have you considered a high protein bar instead? I think the Barebell bars taste great, and are available at Trader Joes and many places online. I also like some of the One bars – specifically the lemon and the peanut butter – but some of them are too sweet. I treat bars like dessert. Barebell and One both have 20-ish g of protein. Barebell has a plant based version, if that is important to you.
I’ve recently tried 1st Phorm protein powder in the strawberry milkshake formula, and it’s delicious. It’s more expensive than others + expensive shipping. A local supplement store near me carries the brand; not sure I’d be willing to pay the $11 shipping on top of the $50-$60 price for a container of protein powder.
Anon
As a PSA: the normal version of Barebell has bovine collagen, so it is not suitable for vegetarians.
New Here
I was hooked on Barebell a while back until I figured out the sugar alcohols in it were what was causing massive stomach upset. So proceed with caution.
Senior Attorney
I like the Pure Protein Bars you can get at Target or Costco. They also have 20 grams of protein and taste reasonably good and don’t cost that much.
Lexi
Can recommend the Built Puff bars, 17g protein for 140 cals and I love the taste and marshmallow-y texture. I get mine on Amazon.
Clementine
Try Fairlife protein shakes – they’re basically super concentrated milk and a lot of people really like the taste.
My personal favorite way to eat a protein shake is to mix together a big cup with ice, a really cold protein shake and cold brew iced coffee concentrate.
My other ways to get in protein are cottage cheese (I like Good Culture Lactose Free – 14g per 1/2 cup) or greek yogurt (around 22g/cup). I also find that making lean proteins I like and having them already sliced and accessible (grilled chicken, even hard boiled eggs) helps my family.
Anon
Yes to Fairlife!
Anonymous
Maybe you’d have more luck making something like protein powder cottage cheese pancakes?
WIth both cottage cheese, protein powder and eggs in the ingredients, you’d get a decent boost. I would use plain pea, egg white or whey powder and make them savoury, served with tomato, scrambled eggs and bacon, or feta cheese and pickled peppers.
helloanon
I am curious to see the replies because I feel the same about protein powders and shakes, I can’t even force myself to plug and chug! The only protein drink I find palatable is the Fairlife Core Protein shake with 26g of protein. They are too sweet for me on their own, so I mix the chocolate one into black iced coffee and drink it with breakfast.
Anon
Costco has a Vital Proteins brand chocolate one that still tastes like protein powder to me, but is better than some of the super fake tasting ones.
My favorite was always Natures Plus Spiru-tein, but it’s been years since I bought it (I’ve gotten better at getting protein without protein powder since then).
I do not mess around with shakes; I add the protein powder to smoothie with ice and either fruit or nut butter, and I blend it in so it’s very thoroughly blended and the texture is coming more from the blended ice.
Or I just make chocolate pancakes out of it as if it were flour.
Anon
Plain, unflavored protein powder in a smoothie of your choice.
Or, plain, unflavored powder in chocolate milk.
Anon
Yes, I do plain protein powder with fruit, milk, and ice and you don’t even taste it.
Anonymous
I like to add powdered milk or peanut butter powder to smoothies.
Lily
I recently bought a protein water mix on amazon. It tastes like overly sweet pineapple drink, but I dilute it and use a ton of ice and it isn’t bad at all. I prefer this to a thicker, dairy-like shake. But it uses whey protein just like a shake. It is oddly not thick at all, exact texture of water and it’s transparent. 20 g of protein and only 90 cals.
Veronica Mars
I’ve been mixing the vanilla premier protein with iced coffee, and that makes it much more palatable.
Anon
The thing that tastes off to you is the Sucralose. Buy unflavored powders and a Nutribullet and roll your own. I like the Tera’s flavorless whey powder. I blend it with Greek yogurt, a frozen banana, some spinach, milk, peanut butter, and Ghirardelli chocolate sauce. Your taste may be less “well I wanna eat a chocolate peanut butter smoothie each morning” than mine, but you get the vibe.
Anon
I grew up in a rural area. New kids moved in to the neighborhood and we became friends. Their dad worked at one of the many dairies in the area. Mom was an RN.
My new friends used the blender to make “protein shakes” all the time. Dad brought home whey powder regularly – at that time, an unused byproduct of dairy processing – and we’d use a big scoop of that, some milk, ice cubes, and a spoonful of jam (sometimes a banana) to make a frosty, healthy drink. I still remember how good those tasted. Grape jelly was my flavor preference, but raspberry jam was good too.
This was late 70s. We were ahead of our time!
Anon
Oh man, that sounds great, too! I might try it!
Anon
I realize I didn’t really connect my thought as to why I mentioned that the mom was an RN. It was because she encouraged her husband to bring home the whey powder so that her kids could get extra protein, which she was big on even back in the 70s.
Anon
I think the Ripple chocolate protein shake is one of the most normal-tasting ones out there. If you need food ideas, you could try drinking bone broth. It’s somewhere around 10g a cup, so probably not going to totally satisfy your needs, but adding in a cup or two might help if you can’t handle drinking powders.
Anon
I have found the OWYN chocolate protein drinks (32 g) to be palatable, and the Clif Builder’s Protein bars (specifically the chocolate-peanut butter, 20 g) to be good.
anon
Adding a spoonful of peanut butter cuts the chalky protein taste. That + chocolate protein powder, blended with a frozen baobab is a pretty tasty smoothie.
Greensleeves
I also like the Clif Builder bars, both the chocolate mint and the chocolate peanut butter. They’re my go-to quick breakfast when I’m running behind.
Anonymous
Premier Protein shakes are horrible, I can barely tolerate them in milk. Fairlife milk (30g) is delicious but expensive. Put it in the freezer for 15 minutes before you drink it for more of a Wendy’s Frosty texture. OWYN shakes are ok but still a little weird.
I’ve had a lot better luck with powdered protein powder — Costco’s optimum vanilla is good, a LOT of people love Clean Simple Eats and you’ll find a million discount codes on the internet. I especially liked that you can get single-serve packets; your local GNC might also have some so you can try a bunch of different brands.
I like adding protein powder to fat-free greek yogurt — tasty and then you get the protein and calcium from the yogurt also. If the protein powder alone is too sweet for you, try cutting it in 1/2 and adding a serving or two of powdered peanut butter.
Cottage cheese is great for protein also, as is yogurt. You could get to 30 by just eating one Siggi’s low-sugar yogurt for 15g and then having a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (13-17g i think?) and call it a day.
the Quest chips aren’t bad, per se, but thy’re expensive. My favorite protein bars are Barebells (the caramel chocolate one is like a candy bar), FitCrunch (like a candy bar), and Built, which feels like it’s mostly chemicals but is tasty. There are also some weird toaster pastries from Legendary that are tasty but expensive and on the higher side of calories.
Anon
I do this but with full fat Greek yogurt — my body is much more satiated by a smaller amount of full fat than a larger amount of fat free. Worth trying both!
Anonymous
doh, I mean I can barely tolerate them in COFFEE.
Anon
I have never tried Premier Protein shakes, so I have no reference point, but have you tried using unflavored protein power and mixing it in a smoothie? It changes the consistency of the smoothie a little bit, but I find that you really can’t taste it at all.
Anonymous
Protein pancakes can pack a lot.
Premier has them. One small pancake is 20gm I think. Tastes like a regular pancake.
edj3
Add more liquid. I detest any protein powder when mixed with the recommended 8 ounces as you practically need a fork. I double the almond milk and hey presto, I like it.
Anonymous
How are you on overnight oats? Casey Johnston’s “Swoalts” recipe is great and is an easy way to get protein into yourself without work.
Anonymous
I hate all alternative sweeteners I have tried so like to use unflavored whey protein (Jarrow brand is the one I have tried and use) in a smoothie with greek yogurt and fruit for sweetener. But I have also added it to my morning oatmeal with success – just don’t add it until after the oatmeal is cooked or it will clump up. It doesn’t really affect the texture at all and the flavor is minimal, just a little milky maybe.
anon
I’m genuinely glad that people are feeling excited (or at least good enough) about the Harris-Walz ticket. But I just cannot bring myself to watch the convention or get invested in any meaningful way. I cannot bear the heartbreak of 2016 and the subsequent four years all over again. Maybe that’s overly dramatic, but I just can’t go down that road again. I used to love taking in political news and now I can’t, beyond staying informed at a very baseline level. Anybody else feeling this way?
Anon
Yes, I can’t get my hopes up after 2016. It will be too crushing if/when she loses.
Anon
Well the convention is over, but it didn’t feel at all like 2016.
Anon
Agreed. And I was reluctant to watch for the same reason as OP. But I got over myself, watched it, and I’m very glad I did. I’m a lot more excited now! It doesn’t mean I’m not still sad about 2016. But being stuck in 2016 is no fun and isn’t going to do anyone any good.
Anon
Same. What I took away from it that made me feel better was actually nonpolitical. She has bright eyes and a genuine smile. I saw joy. It made me think of Obama’s key word, hope. I think the nonMAGA voters may be ready for intelligence and joy. I think many are tired of ranting, entitled, bitter, old white men. I say this as a white woman who comes from a fairly privileged back ground but is surrounded by right wing conservatives.
I even hope that a few of the publicly MAGA voters might go into the voting booth and secretly vote for Harris. We will never get the MAGA base, nor will we get the fundamentalist Christians who think Trump is an imperfect (Ha. Understatement of the century) tool of God. But I am genuinely hopeful that a clearly analytical mind and joy will win over some voters.
Anon
I also hope it will encourage people to actually vote! I see much more “why you shouldn’t vote” and “why bother” propaganda than pro-Trump propaganda in my bubble. If you vote you are supporting imperialism, and voting changes nothing anyway, voting just discourages people from real change, all this kind of messaging that I’m 100% confidence is coming from sock puppets. And I’ve seen it work; people get discouraged.
I think joy and hope are powerful antidotes to fatalism and anxiety and scrupulosity.
Anon
I kind of feel that way too. I used to nerd out on politics l, but after 2016 everything just feels so bitter. I will definitely vote, I’m open to the people around me about who I will vote for, I donated (a little, on a budget right now). But I’m not watching, buying merch, attending events or otherwise joining in the excitement.
Anon NYC
I’m pretty confident that she will win, but I was pretty confident that Hillary would win in 2016. I’ll see clips of the convention on Instagram, but I’m not doing anything else, aside from voting of course. If she loses, I’m at a complete loss.
Anonymous
I understand, I will admit I do have my hopes up, but there’s part of me bracing for more heart break. It’s hard to trust and believe in good.
anon
I don’t like that I’ve become this way. I used to be much more idealistic, and I miss that part of myself.
Anokha
I went back to look at the photos on my phone from Election Day 2016, and it was so heartbreaking. Pictures from the morning of election day with captions about how excited we were for the first female president… followed by panicked photos of the TV as the results came in…
anonymous
I’m very progressive and am concerned about Kamala Harris’s apparent “pivot” on many key issues. (To be clear, I will vote for her no matter what.)
She seems to have pivoted from progressive positions on health care (single-payer, abolish private insurance), immigration (abolish ICE and decriminalize illegal entry), racial justice (defund the police and support BLM protests), climate (ban fracking), among others. Now there seems to be this weird undercurrent of “tough prosecutor” in her presentation, and her surrogates seem to be walking back many of these previous positions.
Does this group think she’s just trying to appear moderate for general election purposes but will govern as a progressive? Has she actually changed her position? Do the statements of surrogates not actually represent her views?
Roxie
Beautiful concern trolling, 10/10
AIMS
I think she will do what is practical. That’s not always going to be “progressive” but that’s not always going to be not, and I think that’s actually the whole point of politics. You need idealistic people to push issues forward and practical people to get them done.
I am cautiously optimistic and loved both her speech and the convention!
Anon
Pretty much all candidates pivot to the center in a general election. That’s how you win a general election. So… yes, but it’s completely normal and practical.
TBG
If you consider yourself “very progressive” you will never be happy with the Democratic nominee for president. Why? Because your beliefs are not practical or warranted or desired by the majority of Americans.
Anon
Yup.
Anon
She is certainly trying to pivot to the center.
In general her campaign strategy is to rest on the good vibes (and the twinkle in her eye as noted above). There’s a reason she’s not giving interviews. She has no platform other than to get elected and then let the party elites govern for her.
Anon
LOL
Anon
Yes, although I am cautiously pleased with the ticket, I am not enjoying this election cycle and DNC news. It’s starting to feel like overconfidence. I live in the country, and I’ve been seeing new Trump flags and signs getting posted up again. After they’d mostly come down after January 6th and new ones hadn’t been going up, I’d hoped that he’d quietly lost support, but it doesn’t look that way.
Anon
I have some relatives who are such Pollyannas – “oh there’s NO WAY people will vote for the felon over the prosecutor!” Dude, his supporters do. not. care. that he’s a felon. They’re selling t-shirts saying they’re voting for the felon. Do not underestimate how low Trump can go and still win their love!
anon
Exactly this. It literally does not matter to his supporters.
Anon
The thing I remind myself is that his base, the kind of people who would wear that shirt, are not “undecided voters in swing states” – they are his base. And his base was never going to vote for anyone else. Jesus Christ himself could be the nominee and they would still vote for the felon.
So all it really comes down to is undecided voters in swing states, and we can only hope what was on display this week will move their vote toward the non-felon nominee.
Anon
Yes, I think many confuse his base with those that will vote for Trump. I voted for Biden 4 years ago. I was shocked and horrified in 2016 when Hillary lost. I’m voting for Trump this year. As someone that lives in an ultra progressive bubble I see the failings of the left and I have had enough. I also see the failings of the right but a decision has to be made.
Anon
I’m the same, but right now, I’m specifically grateful that the timing of all of this means that we have not heard hardly a peep about the Trump assassination attempt in weeks. So glad his ready-made martyr tale is out of the news cycle.
Anonymous
That was basically the theme of the convention – We are not going back. That said, you are not required to watch or be excited. Just vote. It’s fine.
Anon
She was just looking for some support in a world that feels difficult right now! It’s fine!
Anonymous
I was giving her support for bowing out and answering the question. Yes, others have the same feelings which is why the DNC chose that mantra.
Anon
I mean, it’s been 8 years! If HRC can get over it by now, so can we!
Anonymous
I am in exactly the same place. I read just enough of the news to know what’s going on and vote and otherwise try not to pay attention because it just makes me angry. I cannot stand any TV or radio news at all at this point.
Anon
I’m sure watching the convention would just make me feel worse about voting since Democrats are prone to coming across as smug, condescending, and out of touch, and I totally understand why people don’t trust them. But so far this campaign hasn’t been repeating the countless strategic errors of 2016. It’s awful that it’s this close.
Anon
Can you elaborate on the strategic errors you’re referring to? Serious question.
Anon
Adding, which errors in 2024 are the same as 2016? I’m familiar with the 2016 campaign.
Anon
Sorry, but have you been living under a rock? It is well known at this point that Hillary’s campaign completely ignored the Blue Wall (aka Brexit) states of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin, and all three of those states went to Trump. Harris is just one month into her campaign and already visited all of those states at least once.
Anon
In my swing state, the campaign felt anemic and and at the same time, the approach towards local volunteers was condescending, impatient, and high handed. I think because of the triumphalism surrounding the perceived odds, there was also a lot of hostility and “who needs your vote anyway” messaging towards undecideds. I guess it felt like the attitude was that Democrats were going to win anyway, so why reach out to anyone who wasn’t 100% on board already? This made for a very divisive feeling in my community that I never want to experience again; it made it so hard to try to persuade people who don’t normally vote for Democrat candidates that they should consider it this time around.
I’m not experiencing that divisiveness now from the Democrats (it’s all coming from the Republicans right now, which I hope is a good sign!!)
Anon
Not that poster but Hillary did come across as fairly condescending (“deplorables” etc) and also talked too much about herself and the historical nature of the campaign (the glass ceiling). I’m a Hillary fan and was devastated when she lost but I also wasn’t surprised. I’m happy to see Harris going in a different direction with a focus on what the country needs.
Natasha McShane
Agreed. They’re matching that fight-fight-fight / Biden is a lost cause smuggy energy.
Natasha McShane
^^^ Had a diff response. Not sure why this populated ???
Anon
Can hardly take political news since 2016. I cried on election night but even worse was that I think I would’ve cried no matter who won. The more time passes, the happier I am to be unaffiliated but I feel politically homeless. I realize people responding to this thread are inclined to vote for Harris; I still cannot stand the prospect of the Mr. Conman in office a 2nd time or one where Ms. Patronizing Tone of Voice is elected either. Not sure what I will do. Wishing more than ever that there was a viable 3rd party candidate.
Anon
As we learned in 2016, If you vote for a third-party candidate, you are helping Trump get elected. If you do not vote, you are helping Trump get elected.
“I still cannot stand the prospect of the Mr. Conman in office a 2nd time or one where Ms. Patronizing Tone of Voice is elected either.” – Seriously??? You sound like a gross misogynist bro.
Anonymous
Disagree. We can critique Kamala without it being misogynistic. A lot of people agree she has made some missteps in tone and in fact we know that her own people think this because after she did her “I’m speaking” thing to protesters she came back a day or two later and took a different approach.
Anon
You can criticize Kamala on policy without it being misogynistic but criticizing her tone of voice (especially when the other guy is Trump… have you heard the man speak?!) is misogynistic.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, for crying out loud can we stop with policing women’s voices?
Anon
Ditto!
Anonymous
Well, I was critiquing her content.
Anon
I am not policing her feminine voice. I am turned off by her preachy, patronizing tone from when she was a candidate last time around. That is my opinion. I am not alone in it. And it doesn’t matter if I am. I can have an opinion without being misogynistic. Btw, I never wrote that I wasn’t voting for her over it. Also 100% woman.
Anyone remember the man whose candidacy was OVER when he hooped and hollered that one time?
LawDawg
Are you seriously comparing innate personal moral failure with tone of voice? Think about what that means about how you, as a woman, want to be judged.
Anon
+10000000
Anon
Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug.
Anon
There are plenty of people who want to vote for Trump but work in communities that aren’t deep red. They know they can’t come out and say they’re Trump fans without social consequences, so instead they do this “I don’t know what I’ll do”/undecided dance. We all know what’s really going on.
Anon
Nope, I am not. I am mentioning one thing that irritates me about each.
Anonymous
Oh god not a woman with a regional accent save us.
Anon
Well, there isn’t. So maybe vote for the one who doesn’t perform womanhood perfectly rather than the fascist, and keep the pressure on for candidates you like better in the next cycle.
Anon
It’s not about perfectly, at all . I have core differences with each that I will find difficult to overcome. That is all and that is a lot.
Runcible
Understandable, but your choice is between King Donald or President Harris. Many thanks for voting.
Been there
I understand this and felt the same way but my friends and colleagues were talking about the DNC so much that last night I decided to watch. I caught Kamala’s speech and I was so inspired. I decided that I’d rather be inspired and do what I can (donate, talk others, etc.) than live in fear. That said, if all you can do it vote, then that’s fine too. Not everyone has the same excitement or bandwidth.
anon
Exactly the same here. I haven’t been watching but caught her speech last night. I was blown away. I don’t think people have been describing her as charismatic, but I found her incredibly charismatic. She came across as smart, qualified, warm, hard-working, determined. I am feeling quite buoyant this morning and cautiously optimistic overall.
Anon
I would be interested in viewing a side by side of the 2016 and 2024 DNC conventions. We did not take Trump as a serious threat then and Hillary was like 30 points ahead so Democrats were pretty smug, and that tone probably came through in the convention. This year even though the polls show Harris with a slight lead in battleground states, Dems keep talking about how we are behind and need to mobilize grassroots efforts. I have been energized watching the inspiring speeches at the DNC this week and am exhausted today after being up late every night.
Anonymous
+1
anon
Emotions and talking with friends who vote as I do don’t matter nearly as much as actions. I do what I can with actions (vote, donate, write letters) and feel no obligation to devote any particular amount of brain space.
Anon
That’s me. 2016 did a number on me.
Anonymous
No I feel super hopeful and energized. But you don’t need anyone’s permission or forgiveness to engage in a way that feels ok to you!
ElderlyUnicorn
I totally understand where you are coming from! I was so sad in 2016 – I was not terribly excited about Hillary Clinton, and not as emotionally invested in her as many of my friends, but devastated at the choice so many people made about what they valued, and didn’t. The heartbreak continued with the Kavanaugh hearings. I have always loved Joe Biden (I’m originally from Delco, PA) but my feeling in 2020 was modest relief, not anything approaching optimism. Since then, my overwhelming feeling has been dread. I felt guilty for avoiding it, but I could not engage with the news or discussions – “What if … / what’s going to happen?” I was like, “I’m just going to focus on what I can control, volunteering, donating but otherwise, I’m keeping m head down.” (Honestly, in the sand.) I am kind of a Democrat by default. I have always considered myself more of an independent, who has just started leaning more left as I get older because … the right just doesn’t hold much appeal.
I was relieved when Biden stepped down, but just “meh” about Kamala. But I have to admit, Tim Walz got me FIRED UP!! (I do think it’s worth me interrogating myself over why this middle aged white man is the one who has reignited my enthusiasm, but I am for sure exploring that.) I LOVED his stump speeches and I watched almost every minute of the DNC, something that would have been inconceivable to me just two weeks ago. I laughed, I cried, I cried some more, I felt JOY!! When Bill Clinton asked me, “Aren’t you proud to be a Democrat?” And I thought, “F yeah I am!! You lecherous old creep. F YEAH I’M A DEMOCRAT!!”
It was … healing. It was catharsis for the last 8 year. It gave me a sense of pride in being an American, in the power of being a citizen, in the importance of political service, in HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!! I drank ALL of the kool aid and I loved every.single.drop.
At the end of last night, I thought, “Whoa. If we lose, I … can I live with that?” And honestly, yes. I feel SO F GOOD about America right now that it’s worth the potential heartbreak. Because I also have enough renewed faith in our country that I will be able to put another Trump term down to an inevitable ebb in the tide of history. A regrettable one, a dangerous one, but one that our country and our democracy is strong enough to withstand.
THAT is how good the Democractic National Convention was.
anon
Thank you for sharing this, truly. I don’t want to give into dread and anxiety, and I finding that difficult. So maybe this is the push I need to get more excited.
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing this, truly. I don’t want to give into dread and anxiety, and I finding that difficult. So maybe this is the push I need to get more excited.
Anon
I’m honestly sick of the posts here that are all, “but *I* am not excited about Kamala.” Who cares. Just vote for her. I love that Michelle specifically called out in her speech that you can’t wait to be personally catered to, there just isn’t enough time.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m not excited and I don’t have to be. I just have to vote. I also don’t have to engage with all the media hype and obsess about something that I can’t change.
anon
OP here, and believe me, I plan to vote for Kamala. I like her as a candidate. I am just fearing the potential heartbreak again if too many voters decide they can’t stand by a POC candidate who is also a woman.
Anon
Well, sitting around being anxious about it isn’t going to help anyone or change the outcome at all.
Anon
i thought Michelle was hands down the best speaker! She was amazing!!
Seventh Sister
I wish I could be as joyful as the people on the TV, but I have to remember that my job is vote.
Of Counsel
100% agree. I will vote. I am giving money. But I just cannot get excited. 2016 is just too fresh in my mind and the polling (while improving) is just not yet reflecting the vibes.
Runcible
The only choice in this election is either King Donald or President Harris. That is all.
Outlook woes
Does anyone who uses outlook for work and gcal for personal have good tips on managing schedules? I keep all the stuff about personal life–nanny schedule, etc in gcal so its shared with my husband and easily changed from my phone on the go. I don’t want to have to move all those events over to my work outlook. I shared my google calendar with outlook, but the view in outlook shows two calendars side by side, which isn’t ideal. I just know I’m going to mess up travel time between work and personal stuff. The view is better from gcal, so I subscribed my gcal to my outlook. However, I guess gcal only updates that view infrequently, so I can’t see real-time movement. What am I missing and how can I go less insane? My former org used google and the integration was seamless.
anon
When adding on gcal, I add my work address as an invited guest. Same goes the other way around, if I have a work thing that overlaps with personal time.
Cb
Yes, this is how I do it as well.
Cat
+2
Outlook woes
I tried doing this but because I travel for work I functionally have to share e v e r y thing. And my spouse is the owner of some events, including recurring, so it’s inconvenient to go through all the created stuff in the future to have him add me. I will if all else fails, helpful to know this is how others are doing it!
Anon
Does it not overlay the two calendars if you turn off split view in Outlook?
Anonymous
There’s a little arrow at the top of each calendar you can click to overlay them.
Outlook woes
Believe it or not, I didn’t know you could do this–thank you! I’m a millennial who’s never had to use outlook before and it’s a lot less intuitive than google! Still a lag on updates but at least the view is better.
Anon
Outlook is fine, you’re just not used to it. I don’t think your age has anything to do with it.
Anonymous
I posted this on the Moms site yesterday and received some good replies. I am posting here to see if anyone else may have some experiences or thoughts.
Have any of you struggled with postpartum intrusive thoughts that started after one year? No depression or anything, and I don’t feel particularly anxious. It seems to have come out of nowhere and it’s pretty distressing.
I know to see a doctor, etc., but I wanted to see other people’s experiences with this.
Anon
No however sending a reply to give you a bump hoping it prompts some support for you. 💕
Anon
Yes, I had this. It can often come up after you stop nursing too so be mindful of that. I didn’t see anyone about it but I think I had a mild form of PPD. I basically just soldiered through it and it did go away. I didn’t actually think I would do anything to harm the baby – when I had those thoughts, it really made me snuggle with him even tighter. Sorry I don’t have any real advice. Big hugs to you! Do you have any mom friends or anyone to talk to? I really didn’t but I think it would have helped. Hang in there!
Yes
This is a thing. It could be postpartum OCD or anxiety (intrusive thoughts are an anxiety symptom). There is treatment for it. I recommend finding a therapist trained in OCD and postpartum mental health.
The intrusive thoughts do not mean anything about you as a person or a mother. The fact that you find them distressing distinguishes your case from a person with actual desires/intentions to act.
Mine started before 1 year, but from a psychological perspective the postpartum period can last into the first two years after birth. My therapist really helped me, and I don’t have them very much anymore.
Anon
My sister in law had this, although I’m not sure exactly when it started postpartum. I suspect she had some mood changes earlier, but she didn’t reveal them. For her, it progressed over time without treatment and I am still upset with myself that I didn’t try to get her help sooner. I lived far away, and her husband (my brother) was just clueless (in denial?).
I really encourage you to talk with someone. It may be nothing, and may be something that you can simply learn strategies to deal with it. But if doctors are concerned and suggest a medication trial, I would be open to it.
Think about if you have a history of mood disorders or substance abuse in your family, or other female relatives you had postpartum mood changes. If so, you just me genetically more vulnerable to this.
Anonymous
This is embarrassing but there is a reality tv “star” who has been very public about her postpartum OCD and intrusive thoughts and I just listened to her podcast about it this morning. I found it very helpful, even though I don’t plan on having kids. I think this is way more common than we realize because people just don’t talk about it. I’d look into some resources, speak with a professional and possible go on meds.
https://iocdf.org/media/press-releases/international-ocd-foundation-honors-reality-star-scheana-shay-for-raising-ocd-awareness/
Anonymous
Have you called the doctor though? Because that step is urgent
Anonymous
its post partum anxiety (PPA!) I had it and my regular therapist helped tremendously with coping techniques but ultimately I had a bit of ppd too so I went on a low dose of Zoloft and it was life changing in a good way
Anonymous
Not intrusive thoughts, but I had a deep depression and anxiety after weaning 1 year post-partum. At the time, I did not link it to post-partum or weaning. I saw a therapist around the 1.5 year mark, after trying to white-knuckle through life for a few months. My usual strategies like talking with friends, self-care, meditation, focusing on hobbies didn’t help. Highly highly recommend reaching out to a professional, even if it’s just for a consultation.
Anon
I am thinking of purchasing a condo to be occupied by my parent who has no assets and a very small fixed monthly income. I’m hoping parent will pay a nominal monthly rent to defray my costs but I’m not counting on it. I’m also hoping that once parent no longer needs the condo, it can become an income property or I can sell for a small profit. What are the different tax and other financial implications that I should be thinking about as I go down this path?
Anon NYC
This reminds me of the poster who got her dad a house and he did something to ruin the yard if I recall correctly. I’d be cautious about owning a home my parents live in. That being said, I highly recommend that you consult an accountant and possibly an elder law attorney.
Anon
That was the first thing I thought of.
Anon
Everybody here really hates their parents.
Anon NYC
Everyone has different relationships with their parents and other responsibilities. It’s not fair for you, an internet stranger, to make any generalizations.
Anon
Oh look it’s you again. Once again, no we don’t.
Anon
+1
Anon
You’d pay taxes on the rent, but can deduct for various things against that number and how much depends on your overall financial picture. If you need to finance the purchase, there’s typically a higher interest rate if it’s not your primary home. If you sell, you’d pay capital gains taxes on a profit. If you rent, same story, taxes on the rent. If your parent is aging in place okay, probably worth doing this and hanging onto the asset so you have something to sell if they need to move into assisted living down the road.
anon
Having watched some conversations around here over the years, among the questions I’d want answered are, (1) are they your tenant in the legal sense, (2) how do you “evict” them if things really go awry, and more so in the spirit of how do you force them out if they end up presenting dementia or some other medical diagnosis that shows no signs today but could become a liability for you as their landlord down the road.
Anon
How old is the parent?
Depending on where you live, purchasing this vs just getting an equivalent rental that you subsidize until they’re in need of a care home seems like buying a lot of headaches for very little money/benefit.
Anon
I would rent, especially if there is any question of moving to assisted living sooner than later. I wouldn’t want to take on the increased cost of maintenance, repairs, etc if I was already hoping that the indigent parent would contribute to monthly costs.
Anon
+1
NaoNao
Not related to tax etc, but I’d consider making your future plans blindingly clear to the parent(s) and even consider having them sign something. It sounds really cold and mean, but people can do really unpleasantly surprising stuff that “any reasonable person” wouldn’t do, baffling things like trashing their own living space, becoming hoarders, refusing interventions/refusing nurse help or to leave when they need 24/7 care and on and on.
As one possibility, you and parent may disagree about when said parent “no longer needs the condo” and as another, I would bet dollars to donuts many parents believe they could get a comparable/better place for the rent or less rent (even if it’s absolutely delulu!) and may argue things like “I paid for a roof for you for 18 years” etc etc. So make it direct: “I would like for you to pay X amount in rent to defray costs like electric, repairs, HOA fees, etc.”
Jane
Before you buy into a condo, make sure the HOA is financially healthy and has adequate reserves to cover repairs and improvements so you aren’t looking at special assessments or large dues increases in coming years. This is even more true if you happen to live in Florida and the building is nearing the 30-year mark; there are a ton of articles right now about how many units are listed for sale in Florida because owners cannot afford the special assessments that are coming to make repairs. Also, consider what the HOA dues include. It can vary widely by building. From almost nothing to everything including water, electric, cable, internet, etc.
Anon
Does anyone have any tips on mastering the French tuck or half tuck? I can’t seem to get it right.
Anon
There’s nothing to master…you just tuck in the front?
Anon
I know but I can never get it to look right!
Anonymous
What about it doesn’t look right? It’s hard to answer when we can’t see the problem you’re trying to solve.
At the risk of being too basic, be sure you’re not trying to do it with shirts/tops that it will never work with. Stiffer fabrics and more narrow cuts do not want to be half-tucked. Flowier fabrics and wider cuts work better.
Cat
Aside from it working on some shirts but not others, I don’t know that there’s a big trick. It needs to be a voluminous enough top to have some drape and slouch on the untucked part. If it’s too tailored or short, it will just look bunchy and awkward.
Cat
Things to also play around with – where the pants waistline is vs. how the shirt fits (as it gets higher, more likely it should be a full tuck), and how wide the tucked part is compared to untucked (too little and it looks unintentional, too much and it looks like you forgot to tuck the rest).
Anonymous
Tuck in more than you want and then untuck until it looks right.
Anon
Only tuck a very small amount of the front shirt hem – like an inch. Tucking too much is usually the problem.
Anon
I’m referring to depth. As others mentioned, you will need to play around with the width of the tuck to see what works.
Senior Attorney
There are about a million videos about this on YouTube and some of them are quite helpful.
NaoNao
Smooth the excess material to the sides and back (under waistband) after tucking, that’s one of the keys. Also start with the shirt tucked and then fasten pants or pull on pants (don’t tuck into already-on pants in other words) and adjust from a fully-tucked position.
Anonymous
This is not at all what I would call a midi dress. Sometimes I think clothing manufacturers just slap on what they think are the most popular search terms whether or not they apply to the item in question.
Cat
you are totally right. This is knee length, not midi!
Beans
Anyone have any success or heartwarming stories of finding a partner post divorce? I am 5 years post divorce, very happy with my life and children but would love to find a companion. The dating apps are terrible where I am (SE city) and if I find someone, it will be happenstance or word of mouth. Just feeling depressed as the guy I had dated some last year is now dating someone who is, frankly, a very bad choice for him (substance issues, etc). Not sure why I can’t find someone.
Anon
It just takes one and you’ve got to go on the bad dates to get to the good ones. I used to just look at it as at least I’ll get something good out of a date even if it’s not a match – an appetizer I like, a good glass of wine, a new to me restaurant or bar. And if the guy turned out to be a good one, gravy! Hang in there, it’s the worst until it’s the best.
Anon
I am in a small group (life group, whatever) at our church, and I feel like everyone is well into their second marriages post-divorce. I am my husband’s second wife (his trophy wife, obviously). Out of our small group, six of the eight couples are empty nesters, and at least one half of the couple is on his or her second marriage. These are long-term, second,happy marriages. One couple met on an app, one at work (me), one through tennis friends, and one wife was working in a restaurant as a second job when a regular customer/now husband asked her out. The only couples who are not second marriages were essentially high school sweethearts. Some of the second marriages are very long-term (mine, for instance), and some are the 10’ish year range. So this is a small sample size, but even I have been surprised at how many happy second marriages there are in my social circle.
Anonymous
In my social circle were just in the second round of divorces now.
Anon
Interesting. My social circle was rocked by first marriage divorces late 30s/early 40s (I was a trailblazer at 33) but so far, no second divorces.
I do know two couples where the wife has confided in me that she’s just sort of gritting her teeth and getting through it because she doesn’t want to be twice divorced.
Senior Attorney
Tell them to get out now! I stayed for fifteen years because I didn’t want to be twice divorced and believe me, being in a bad marriage is WAY worse than being twice divorced! I’m on marriage number three now and I’m sure there are some people who give me side-eye for it, but I don’t care because the third time really is the charm!!
Anon
I get you, SA. But they’re not going to listen to me.
I am particularly sad for one friend who had a terrible s3x life with her first (selfish) husband, to the point that she thought she wasn’t a s3xual person. She met second husband basically “loins first” and she was having the best s3x of her life for a good long time. We were all so happy for her.
But recently, when she was kind of complaining about her husband, one of our friends said “well at least you get that good D” and she said, quietly, “yeah, we don’t do that anymore” and then changed the subject. :(
Anon
“Hid trophy wife, obviously” made me cackle. Husband and I are each other’s second spouses, so I’m going to start using that line. I’m 8.5 years younger than him, after all!
Anonymous
I’m not sure how old your are and what demographic you want to date. What about hobbies like cycling or mountain biking? Rock climbing? If you don’t meet anyone, at least you have a fun hobby and you’re getting exercise.
Roxie
Lots of really amazing women “can’t find someone.” It’s likely not a you problem- the merchandise is pretty bad, generally speaking.
Anon
+1 I’m happily married but I would not attempt to date again if my husband died or we got divorced. The men out there are terrible.
Anon
+2!
Anon NYC
This! I have a group of 6 female friends and I am the only one who is not single. Most of my female friends in general are single and on their 30’s or 40’s. It’s really hard to find a great guy these days.
Anon
Most of my long term single friends stopped looking around their late 40s. Promising dates were few and far between.
I’ve said before and will say it again – my happiest friends are my single friends.
Anon
Yup I’m 39 and I know tons of women my age who are single. Dating is awful.
Anon
I went on many bad dates off the dating apps and one great one post-divorce. Happily married to that one great date for six years now.
Anon
I’m the post divorce partner, so it does happen! It could just be slim pickins’ in your SE city and there’s really nothing you can do about that short of moving (which still doesn’t guarantee anything). For what it’s worth, we met on an app. As someone else said here, it only takes one.
Senior Attorney
This probably won’t help, but my tongue-in-cheek advice is “be the recipient of a miracle straight from heaven,” because that’s how it felt to me. My sweet husband is somebody I knew slightly through work, then I moved to a different job site and lost touch, then when I started working back in town I joined the local Rotary Club, and there he was, and the rest is history. I would never have done the apps for Reasons, and I haven’t come across anybody else even remotely dateable IRL, so honestly it was just a very lucky break. So maybe my actual advice is keep doing the things you like to do and hopefully your guy will be there one of these days.
Anon
Me! Divorced in my early thirties in 2020, and I’m getting married in October! I went through a lot of duds on the dating apps to find my fiance (very much felt like I would never find someone else). I was his first date after he got out of a 5-year relationship, and we just clicked. Don’t lose hope!
Anonymous
I left a horrible marriage after over 20 years (and 3 kids).
Kids are grown, I left and moved out.
Second date on bumble I met an amazing guy. We have been dating 2 years now, have never even had a disagreement. We bike and run together, go out to dinner and drinks, he buys me flowers weekly, and we’ve been to Europe 3 times. We are in love!!
Anon
That’s wonderful!
go for it
National parks:
Partner and I have our itinerary and are debating if we should take our bikes with us. Yay or Nay?
I have read about Grand Tetons & Yellowstone trails and found a mixed bag regarding the bike paths.
Thoughts?
Anon
Better to have them an not need/use them than the other way around.
Anonymous
Not necessarily. Bikes are a pain to haul.
Anon
On a plane, yes. If flying in, then better to rent once you’re there (you can bring your saddle, pedals and shoes for a good fit) unless you’re very particular about your bike. Otherwise, it’s not a big deal to haul on the back of your car, or even inside, depending on the size and layout of the vehicle. I do it all the time.
Anonymous
It really depends if you’re an experienced biker, absolutely! If you’re a casual city rider, no.
Anon
Is that something you could rent once you’re there? I’d look into that before I hauled stuff, but I don’t even like checking a bag.
Lexi
I’d consider renting. Was at Yellowstone and Grand Tetons right before Covid and remember plenty of rentals in the area. Can’t speak to the bike paths specifically.
anon
Does anyone have any recs for Indian clothes stores in Houston? I’m Indian but haven’t worn traditional garb since I was a teenager and nothing fits anymore, plus my tastes have changed a bit.
Anonymous
I hope you get a response that’s Houston based. I’ve been using cbazaar to order Indian clothes online for the past few years. They run sales regularly, and I’ve gotten some pretty solid stuff.
Anon
Need dress for mother of groom rehearsal dinner. Small group of 25 we are hosting for dinner in early October. Other than the groom, men will be in golf shirts so I don’t want to overdress. At a beautiful location in the country where reception will be next day…shopping help please! And recommendations….what would you wear?
Cat
what climate? my instinct is a navy or rust knee length dress type of thing. Like this is Old Navy but the general fall vibe I’m envisioning. I’d wear with low block heels, maybe tan suede, bold earrings, and a pretty wrap.
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=508730022&vid=2&tid=onpl000078&kwid=1&ap=7&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIsIbXiseLiAMV1zUIBR0h_ALJEAQYBSABEgKRDvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#pdp-page-content
Also you could always ask the bride…
Senior Attorney
I feel like the dress above is a little officey. Is this too casual? I have it in navy and have worn it a lot this summer: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/vacation-tie-front-gauze-shirtdress/7515454 with these shoes (with the cork heels): https://www.nordstrom.com/s/schutz-victorie-slide-sandal-women/5120535?
Senior Attorney
Recommendation in mod but I missed that it’s in October. Depending on where you are it’s probably too summery.
Anonymous
What about a jumpsuit?
https://www.johnlewis.com/phase-eight-kendall-pleat-detail-jumpsuit-orange/p111691853
https://www.johnlewis.com/hobbs-lenora-jumpsuit-pink/p110382571
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/joy-long-sleeve-tie-waist-jumpsuit/7134654
Anon
This is what Tuckernuck is for, or Trina Turk.
Housecounsel
I am not Charlotte Tilbury nor do I work for Charlotte Tilbury but I have to tell you about two products that are the best beauty investments I have made in YEARS. The first is the Unreal Skin Sheer Glow Tint Hydrating Foundation Stick and the second is the Beauty Light Wand in a lovely shade of pink. I look less corpselike on Zoom than I ever have before.
Anon
I am also not a CT employee, nor am I generally a fan. But I got a large sample of their air brush flawless setting spray and I am a convert. I spray it on after skincare and sunscreen have settled in, then apply my sheer foundation/tinted moisturizer with a brush and it just sits perfectly. I’m using it as a primer, basically, but no primer has ever worked for me before. And I’m using this basically simultaneously with foundation – spray and immediately go in with the foundation while the spray is still wet.
Cat
I have not tried a product of theirs that I haven’t been happy with! Except Pillow Talk is not the right shade for me, which according to the internet shouldn’t be possible.
Anonymous
Pillow Talk is too warm and brown for cool-toned people. The internet thinks everyone is warm-toned.
Anon
Agree. I’m also high contrast (pink pale, dark hair. Think Snow White) and none of her lipsticks have worked for me.
Anon
Amen to your second sentence.
Anon
Pillow Talk looks brown on me!
Anon
Pillow Talk looks brown on me!
Anonymous
The internet loves pillow talk and Clinique black honey and swears that they look great on everyone. I am living proof that they do not.
Anonymous
I also bought that Hydrating Foundation Stick on a whim (there was a deal for a like a ton of free stuff with purchase and I needed a pick me up) and it’s really really good. The shade is a perfect match and it is lightly glowy. I can also endorse.
Anon
As someone who’s been watching the DNC and phone-banking, I just want to tell everyone who is nervous from past memories of 2016 (as I am) that this feels really, really different. There’s a palpable energy that reminds me of 2008 Obama – both progressives and moderates are fired up about Kamala, and there’s a vision of America that the campaign is putting forward that brings tears to my eyes. People are genuinely really, really excited and though we’re the underdogs, this is an extremely winnable race.
I’d also like to say that the election is likely come down to a few thousand votes in the swing states. So if everyone who reads this blog and supports Kamala managed to get 3-4 extra votes in those states (either by phone-banking, canvassing, registering people to vote, talking to your loved ones who are undecided or may forget to vote to, driving people to the polls, or donating) that would be enough to swing it. It’s easy to feel defeated or scared, but all of us have the power to affect the outcome in November (this group alone could have a huge impact!).
It isn’t a sure-thing that she (or any candidate) will win, and that’s why we fight and do everything within our individual power to help her. I know it’s scary and that 2016 was heartbreaking, and that’s why I urge you to try to do what’s within your power to help make 2024 a victory (even if it’s texting your loved ones in swing states to check their registration and make sure they have a plan to vote!).
There is a lot of amazing energy in the air right now and I think we can embrace a little bit of it even if we’ve been burned in the past. We don’t need to know a win is a sure-thing in order to be a part of a movement whose outcome can still be influenced by all of us.
anon
Thank you for your volunteer work and for this pep talk! I’m not up for a large amount of work, but I can and will do what I can to support the campaign.
Anon
I don’t disagree that the energy does feel like 08, but the “election is likely to come down to a few thousand votes in the swing state” is precisely why we’re worried. In 2008, the tipping point state for the electoral college was Colorado and Obama won it by NINE percentage points. That means he would have won the electoral college if you counted *only* those states in which his margin of victory was 9 points (!!) or greater. In 2012, his margin of victory in the tipping point state was 5 points. Kamala is still polling behind 2020 Joe Biden, who barely won (his tipping point state was Wisconsin and he won it by 0.6%). That’s… terrifying. I get the happy vibes, but the math ain’t 08-ing.
Anon
Even more reason to get involved!! We got the ‘08 landslide because of enthusiasm and volunteer engagement. Defeatism and anxiety aren’t going to be nearly as powerful as turning out and getting involved.
Anon
We got the ’08 result because of the financial crisis and because the country was less polarized back then. It’s incredibly naive to think something like that will happen again in the current climate. I’m doing my part, but I think it’s misguided to think this election is going to be anything close to a landslide and it really worries me that the election is as close as it is given the enthusiasm.
Anon
But 2012 was also a landslide, which is a reflection of the campaign’s power across multiple snapshots in time, not just post-financial crisis. Engagement and volunteering is so, so powerful and the issue with defeatism is it often inhibits people from getting involved the way that hope and excitement do.
Anon
Obama didn’t announce his campaign and 30 days later have the landslide map that he built by election day! We get that by knocking on doors, making phone calls, and posting on social media to spread the word. She is brand-new as a candidate and the palpable energy is incredibly inspiring, even if there’s still a lot of work to do to translate that into the landslide victory we know we deserve in November. All the more reason to get involved, in whatever way you can!
Anonymous
I live in a district that is almost guaranteed to vote for the Democratic party candidates. So after donating locally the amount I normally give, this year I am looking for a few candidates with tough races elsewhere that I like and donating to their campaigns also.
Anon
Wonderful idea!
anon
Honest question: What should those of us in red states be doing, other than voting? When it comes down to it, my state has never been a difference maker in the general election because it’s small, and it’s red, and it’s always going to be red except for maybe one urban district on a good day. Honestly, there are not many undecideds in my world. If there are, they’re smart enough not to say so.
Anon
You try to make a difference in swing states by donating money and/or volunteering your time. You can write postcards, phone bank, and text bank to people in swing states from anywhere.
Anon
Phone bank and text bank for swing states! There are a lot of opportunities on mobilize.us. Donating is also so valuable.
Also reach out to anyone you know in swing states and remind them to check their registration at vote.org.
Anonymous
Grassroots get-out-the-vote efforts and supporting local moderate and liberal-leaning candidates. This from a Georgia resident who rarely saw a national campaign ad before 2016. Also, Tim Walz initially ran and won in a red district the DCCC didn’t think they could ever compete in. He was just a better candidate and he took advantage of an unpopular war and GOP scandals to turn the district. Sounds familiar.
Anon
Thank you for writing this. I’ve always made one-off donations, and your post helped me to pull the trigger on setting up a weekly donation to the campaign from now through the election.
What are you wearing this fall?
I’m working on refreshing my fall/winter wardrobes and wanted to ask: what are we wearing this fall?
I’m leaning towards wide leg pants, midi length shirt dresses with skinnier-heeled boots, short dresses with tall boots, and simple tops.
Brontosaurus
I’m keeping my wide leg pants and midi shirt dresses. I’ll keep wearing my loafers until it gets too cold, then switch over to my lug-soled boots. Trying to work in my blazers more often.
I’m stuck on what current sweaters are, so I’m hoping others jump on this thread.
anon
I keep my sweaters plain and basic. The oversized sweater trend is so cute on other people, but it is not my winning look.
Anon
Same. I have small shoulders, so the oversized no shoulder seam looks droopy on me.
Anon
Wide leg pants and simple sweaters in neutrals (black, navy, cream, camel, dark green). I also love a striped top. Loafers and lug soled ankle boots.
Anon
I am trying to figure out my own version of “elevated finance bro” attire, since that is the vibe at my firm. For now through early fall, I like the look of ankle pants with trainers or loafers. Maybe once the weather cools further a wider leg pants with trainers or booties and a tucked blouse, or slouchy sweater?
Anon
What tinted moisturizers do you like? My holy grail would be light/mid coverage; natural finish (not too dewy, not matte); easy to apply.
FWIW: I am 48, with decent but still 48-year-old skin; mostly normal or maaaaybe a touch dry, but definitely not something that likes really occlusive or oily moisturizer. I’m pale and neutral to neutral-cool, with blue eyes and brown hair.
Anon88
I’ve recommended this before, but I’ll always sing the praises of NARS pure radiant tinted moisturizer. Absolutely worth the money–looks my skin but better.
Lexi
Agreed can recommend the Hourglass one from department store. Two awesome drugstore options that are better than most higher end ones are Maybelline Superstay Skin Tint and the L’Oréal True Match Nude Hyaluronic Tint Serum.
Anon
Not a tinted moisturizer, but similarly easy: Laura Gellar’s baked foundation. So easy to buff on, you get some coverage but not too much, and it’s quick – no worrying about streaks in your coverage or what have you. And she’ll give you your money back if you don’t like it! It’s my go-to for casual days when I’m not wearing my usual foundation.