Coffee Break: Lip Cheat Contour Lip Duo

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1. How do you react when a friend is on the fence about divorce? I’ve been trying to be quietly supportive and encouraging to one friend married to a dog but not outright put him down.

   1. depends on the circumstances. when my friend’s soon to be ex pushed her and she hit her head and ended riding to the hospital in an ambulance i was supportive and encouraging and perhaps a bit more opinionated than i might be in other circumstances

   2. I keep telling my BFF that I support her. I don’t suggest she stay or that she leave – she has a therapist to help her though that decision making process. I tell her that I will support her regardless of which decision she makes today, tomorrow, and the day after that.

   3. I am struggling with this with my friend. I want to say that her partner is emotionally abusive, has damaged her relationships with kids, that she is clearly afraid of his reactions to time that she spends with others and so she limits herself, that her life is becoming smaller and he wants to move somewhere where she will have no support system. My friend is smart and emotionally aware, though, so she knows all this and I don’t want to push her away. But in my head, I pull no punches on how I feel.

      1. I feel like I would have to say it at least once, especially if she’s on the verge of moving away. But every relationship is different, and I know I really don’t welcome criticism of my partner even framed as concern!

      2. It’s so hard to figure out in real life! But IMO “she is clearly afraid of his reactions” warrants a “You seem afraid of how Chris is going to act, and that really worries me, and I hate it for you. If you ever think you want to leave, you know I’d support you in that decision right? Or if you ever need a quiet place to think about it, come over for coffee and you can look stuff up on my computer” conversation. Basically the line for me is “Do I not like this guy” (say nothing/stay neutral) vs. “Do I think this guy is abusive”

   4. Sounds like you’re striking the right balance. I think you’re right to not trash her spouse. If the friend decides to stay (which, so far she has) and work it out, she’ll feel awkward staying friends with someone she thinks is judging her marriage.

   5. I was on the fence for a LONG time, even when it was obvious about six months in that the marriage wasn’t going to make it.

      My friends helped by saying poignant and insightful things, calmly, once, and letting me think it over.

      The biggest thing that helped was for people to articulate some concrete metric for my marriage to succeed, or for when it’s definitely time to peace out, and let me think about how it applied to my situation.

      It really came home that I needed to leave when I asked myself what advice I would give a friend going through the same thing, and then asked myself why I wasn’t taking that advice myself.

      1. Yes. When I was contemplating divorce, a friend of mine asked “If your daughter was telling you this, what would your advice be?” It was such an ah-ha moment because I knew I would tell her to leave.

   6. The advice is different depending on whether there’s abuse. If there’s abuse, you need to make no judgments and simply do your best to be present – an abusive partner will be doing their best to isolate them and if you speak out against the partner then you drive a wedge in the relationship and further their isolation. If this is a not an abusive relationship, just talk about your hopes and dreams for the future together and see if there’s room for that guy in hers or if it’s more freeing to bail.

      1. I just feel like you can’t bail if the guy is not abusive and they have kids. I have some friends who are divorcing their husbands and we talk a lot about what their goals are for what the relationship with the former spouse will look like. I don’t put him down and try to gently walk it back when she does. That’s the father of her kids.

      2. If there is no abuse involved, I always ask what they think their lives will look like one and five years out and whether that is better or worse.

         I had a friend who was seriously contemplating divorce because she was “not happy” and when I asked how she would feel when he married someone else, her immediate (very negative) reaction was incredibly telling.

   7. Nesting fail. I made a comment on how I handled this.

2. My therapist just started taking my insurance, which is great. But they didn’t bother to tell me in advance which is less great because I’ve locked myself into $3300 in FSA funds for the year. What would you do with that money? My only idea is see if my doctor will give me a letter of medical necessity so I can get regular massages.

   1. Save it until December or so just in case. There are tons of lists towards the end of the year with surprising FSA-eligible products that you can buy to finish off whatever is left, including high end beauty products.

   2. If it were me, I would use it up throughout the year on copays, deductibles, physical therapy for any nagging pains, OTC and prescription medication, etc. Be ruthless about paying for every FSA eligible item with it (vitamins, Tylenol, sports tape, feminine hygiene products, sunscreen).

      If you use Amazon, there is even a filter for FSA eligible items.

      Whatever is left in December goes to eyeglasses or contacts, sports equipment, etc.

   3. Any physical therapy needs? You can spread them out.

   4. I would 100% get regular acupuncture.

   5. Unfortunately for me, I end up spending more than that every year on copays, glasses, contacts, prescriptions, over the counter meds, sunscreen, and other FSA eligible medical equipment like heating pads and first aid supplies. I wouldn’t start making up things to spend it on until you’ve gotten a lot closer to the end of the year with a lot of money left, unless you have health insurance with guaranteed really low out of pocket costs and an FSA that won’t let you roll over any money or spend it through the first few months of the next year (most, though not all, plans let you do one of those).

   6. Custom insoles are pricey but nice to have.

      1. 400 cash price in Mpls last yr

   7. just saw that certain E-Bikes are FSA eligible…

   8. I have a relative who purchased first aid kits for everyone in our family as holiday stocking stuffers in order to avoid losing FSA funds.

   9. I got a prenuvo full body MRI scan. I’m in my mid-40s. With my Ikon ski pass discount, it was about $2000. This scan gave me really good information about health conditions I didn’t know I had (gallstones, degenerative (tech neck) disease, left hip arthritis) and I felt very good knowing that they did not find any other abnormalities in me (whether structural or cancer or whatnot).

      If you are not the anxious type (where you might spiral during the 2 weeks you wait for results), then I highly recommend this. I plan to do it every few years.

3. I’ve seen the commentary blaming skeletal actresses on GLP-1s – but it really seems to me like orthorexia is so, so common these days and underdiagnosed. am I the only one who has a friend who eats a bag of kale like potato chips? (raw. raw kale. yuck.)

   1. Be serious. Eating kale is not orthorexia and is actually better than eating potato chips, even if it doesn’t appeal to you.

   2. I don’t know about the celebrity part but +1 on there being a lot of orthorexia around and its close sibling, denial.

   3. Orthorexia is definitely VERY common.

      1. So is unhealthy eating of all varieties, including “anything goes” and “all in moderation (but my labs show it’s not going well.” Pick your poison; some outcomes are better than others.

   4. I think it’s a mix of things. Drugs but also increasing pressure to be thin now that so many people are on the drugs. But also orthorexia. Trending in food innovation has been increasingly focused on avoiding something “bad.” I suspect a lot of people started eating gluten free/dairy free/sugar free/no high frucose corn syrup and then went pivoting to avoiding anything not organic, farm-raised, all-natural, local. And then it starts to chip into typically healthy-ish foods in unnatural ways. One reason I stopped seeing a nutritionist was that she was increasingly so strict that I felt like it was triggering some unhealthy behaviors. For example, she wanted me to avoid all fruit for a while and then I could slowly work in some berries–but only berries. All other fruit would be out. She drank black coffee that was significantly watered down all day out of a thermos. I felt like regular coffee with whole milk wasn’t as awful as she made it seem (not creamer–not flavored coffee, mind you). I did fasts of nothing but liquid for 7 days and she said that was important to do every few months. My primary said that was a great way to wreck your metabolism. It’s shocking how easy it is to go from wanting to do something good for your health to suddenly feeling pressure to never eat X or only eat Y.

      1. Nutritionists aren’t medically qualified (vs. dietitians), so this checks out.

         (Also as someone who can only really have berries and not other fruit, this is a really, really rare issue to have, and it took a lot of medical testing to prove it with an endocrinologist who was faculty at a med school hospital, not a conversation with a diet specialist of any description.)

         1. Why can you only have berries?

            1. Sweeter fruits kept triggering reactive hypoglycemia (so do a zillion other foods though).

      2. Anyone can call themself a nutritionist. I would only see a RD (registered dietitian) – of course, an RD could still be whacked out, but most are not. They have rigorous training and i would hope most would not suggest something crazy like a 7 day fast.

   5. Yeah I think this is exhibit a. There is just so much judgment around food. If you’re not being at least a little performative you’re excluded from a lot of circles. You can’t just eat as you please in a way that works for your own health, body and lifestyle. The food police can’t let you. Wellness culture is really triggering because there’s no end point. Nothing is non-toxic or wholesome or good enough. At least with diet culture you were ok if you ate low calories and stayed skinny. Now I never know when I’ll be lectured about beef tallow or veganism but I know someone, like this lady, will food shame. Even if we’re not eating potato chips they’re shaming us for eating them. It’s awful.

      1. You’re right, this poster is shaming her friend for eating kale, and that is awful!

      2. I don’t know, maybe you just need to hang out with less annoying people. What you describe sounds terrible, but there is a better way!

   6. I’m a ‘fat’ vegan (squishy size 4-6) and lawwwwd everytime someone finds out I’m vegan they think it’s some health diet rather than a ethical belief. I end I
      up in the most unhinged conversations. No, I love sugar and gluten thank you very much.

   7. Never been more grateful to be from NJ in my life. I’d legit cut a b who came at me with this nonsense. Food shaming cults are not for me (but the pasta is and I want some meat in my bones). Baby should get back!

   8. Hey, so yucking someone else’s yum is bad friend behavior, whatever the yum may be.

      1. Sure, if she said it to the friend’s face. Nothing wrong with doing it anonymously on the internet.

         1. …yes there is, especially if you’re complaining about food demonization in general. But also, talking trash about your friends on the internet is bad friend behavior.

            1. You sound exhausting.

            2. You’re defending talking negatively about your friends behind their backs? Yikes.

   9. I feel like insurance is increasingly reluctant to cover medications for conditions that technically could be managed by dramatic dietary restrictions. When certain people get put on restricted diets, they sometimes want to believe that they’re actually fine, it’s the food that are unhealthy, and in fact no one should eat them. That’s all on top of a baseline of naturopathic diet woo that never really went away!

4. Let’s say your job is pretty stressful overall, but you like it, you have good autonomy, and the pay is good. Then, you end up in a situation where you don’t need to work for money anymore. Would you quit? Go part-time? Just do the same thing but without the stress of having to make bonuses? I’m in that fortunate position right now, but I am only 48 and have a couple of teenagers, so it would be disingenuous for me to tell people I wanted to “spend more time with my family” or anything like that. I enjoy my work but there are moments where I’m stuck to my computer or juggling a lot of calls/emails, etc. (fwiw, I’m a transactional lawyer).

   1. Same thing but without worrying about bonuses.

   2. Are you in this situation because of your own recent good fortune, or that of your husband, or both? Perhaps I am too cynical after seeing so many marriages change midlife, and divorce can change everything.

      Will your husband be retiring with you?

      It is such an individual answer, that you really have to look within as to how you want to spend your days, what makes you happy, and what model do you want to give for your children?

   3. Probably wouldn’t quit, as 48 is still young. I would, however, happily go part-time.

   4. 1. I’d keep working but also take whatever step would mitigate unnecessary stress.
      2. While I kept working I’d start asking some Big Life Questions about what I wanted my 50s to look like, and why.
      3. As part of that, I’d take a good look at any deeper identity, values, and purpose questions that stirs up. (It’s pretty normal to get identity and value tied to our jobs, so if we contemplate taking the job away, identity questions show up.)
      4. Over the next two or three years, based on how I answer all that, I’d begin to make decisions that aligned with my next season (keep the same job, get a different job, keep job but change ___ about it, stop working and do ____ ).

   5. If enough to do fun stuff, build a studio for my hobby, travel? Why do I care if my colleagues think it’s disingenuous that I am quitting to spend more time with my teenagers before they leave the nest? Maybe I just want to roll in my millions like Scrooge McDuck? Garden? Go back to school for a degree in a topic I like just for itself?

      I’d really have to be set for life to quit, though. Not just enough to replace my income for a few years, but plenty to last me through my twilight years and potentially pricey end of life medical care.

   6. I quit. I had other chapters I wanted to write in life before I die. Maybe you like the chapter you’re writing now and want to keep going; that’s good too.

      1. I love the way you phrased this. Fwiw I have two friends who recently retired early from careers that they liked (i.e. it wasn’t an escape). They both had hobbies that they really wanted to turn into something more than hobbies – not second career chapters, really, but they wanted them to become their primary occupation. They’re really happy.

   7. As a transactional attorney, I understand that there’s times that your work-life balance is out of whack, and you absolutely can look up and wonder, “Why am I still doing this?”

      I would commit to working until my mid-50s and then retire.

      If you’re in private practice, I’d start handing off certain more annoying clients to more junior partners.
      If you’re in-house, I’d look to staff my team properly so that I could hand off all workstreams (for instance, if you handle corporate and employment and equity, hand off employment) to make your QOL better. You know as well as I do that attorneys are snobby about career breaks (particularly deal lawyers) and being part-time transactional (unless you’re commercial) is truly a unicorn job.

      Last, you might want to consider working at Axiom, Paragon, LawTrades, Priori or similar if you want to swoop in on deals, etc. Some people love that.

5. Has anyone taken money out of an UTMA account before it counts for college? Stupidly have about $35k in one kid’s account.

6. When my sister was in this situation, I did a lot of listening and affirming that she was not wrong in being upset by certain behaviors. Or, I would tell her the ways that I could see the stress of the marriage was affecting her. When it became more obvious that things were reaching a point of no return (e.g. I was 95% sure she was going to divorce him), I was clear that I would support her no matter what she decided.

7. What does it mean to “do your best”? I was trying to work through this with my therapist today, and I felt like we were talking past each other. Specifically, I’m trying to work through perfectionism and the anxiety that causes. So I realize that “my best” is probably not calibrated correctly, because I’m always worried about falling short in some way. Either to myself, or with others. Her advice was to basically accept that I have high standards for myself and also know that it’s not possible to perform better than “my best.” That doesn’t help me, and I wasn’t able to think quick enough on my feet to ask her to explain more. Thought the high achievers among us may have some better advice.

   1. For a perfectionist, I think the phrase “do your best” is just not helpful at all. There are some things that I can get very close to perfect, so my ‘best’ requires putting in a very high amount of time and effort. For someone else who isn’t a perfectionist, “do your best” might be interpreted as loose permission to give it a good go and not worry about it if it’s not very good. I’m not that person.

      It helps me to have a range of efforts in mind, and then decide where on that range this project (task, relationship, whatever) falls. Does it actually need me to “do my best”? Or should I “do my average?” Or, “my mediocre” or “my lazy version”? Or my “one hand tied behind my back” version? Or my “full of mistakes” version? Or even, my “barely adequate and you better not look closely at all” version?

      So I’d encourage you to get a whole bunch of phrases like the ones above, and then you can choose among them. If all you have is one standard (“your best”) you’re constantly having to nail it, every single time.

   2. You have to understand that while words have dictionary definitions, people use them in ways that don’t fully reflect those dictionary definitions. When people say “do your best” they’re usually trying to convey something like “give it a good-faith effort.”

      Beyond that, you probably just need to get more comfortable with failure and the concept of reasonable limits.

   3. I have a very poor calibration for this ‘best’ truly means best, it doesn’t mean prioritize based on other projects and available energy. I do everything exceedingly well which is very abnormal, I think partly because I hate people who half ass things and let others deal with the consequences, I don’t want to be that person .

   4. I might be too late but I started realizing after I had kids that my 70% was good enough at my job to consistently get me good performance ratings and a reputation for being good.

   5. The way I see it, you should almost never be aiming to perform your best. Anyone’s best is like, “a person is trapped under this car so I need to summon superhuman strength to lift this car even if I break my body in the process.” No one should be pushing themselves as hard as they can if it’s not an emergency life and death situation. Aim for 80% at most.

   6. You sound like you are coming at this from an Amelia Bedelia perspective. “Your best” isn’t a literal admonition.

      Reframe this in your mind. Do a basic level of work, put in medium effort, don’t overthink things, walk away and call it good. That’s a normal level of effort for “your best.”

   7. I’m not a super fan of all of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel, but the chapter “do your best” has stayed with me for many years. It reframes it in a way that was so very helpful for my tendency toward perfection. The short version is that you always do your best, but you also accept that your best looks and is different at different times. He says it all much better, so I highly recommend you read it.

   8. I have (alot) of perfectionist tendencies too. One thing that resonated for me recently was whether doing my best (and expecting the same of others) was working for me any more. It did get me where I am today, so it worked for me in the past. But right now it’s not working for me. First, I am exhausted from always trying so hard. I think doing 80% would be much better for me emotionally. Second, with colleagues (and kids!) it was alienating to be always expecting their best. They resented me if they couldn’t or didn’t want to put in that level of effort. I value having good relationships so I decided that it was better to lower my standards vs alienating others. Not sure that will help you but it can be another way to look at why you don’t always have to do your best.

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