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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Tilda Pants

A woman wearing a red blazer with white blouse and red trouser pants with cream pointed shoes

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A late Thanksgiving means a slightly shorter holiday season, so I’m going to grab all the holiday joy I can this year. These goji red pants from Boss are seasonal but still work appropriate. Pair them with an ivory sweater and some festive jewelry for your office holiday luncheon. 

The pants are $248 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 0-18. 

Looking for something more affordable? For straight sizes, try these Tahari ASL pants ($48.99 on sale at Nordstrom, lucky sizes) or these French Connection pants ($58.80 on sale at Nordstrom, lucky sizes). Tahari ASL also has an option in plus sizes (14W-24W) that's on sale for $53.99 at Nordstrom.

Hunting for warm dress pants for winter? We like fabrics like wool flannel, wool blends, corduroy, and velvet — but know your office before wearing pants cut like denim, with five pockets (especially corduroy and velvet). In 2025, for wool flannel, check Aritzia, Loft, Talbots*, and Nordstrom. For great wool and wool blends, check out Banana Republic, J.Crew*, and M.M.LaFleur. (* = plus sizes)

wool flannel wide leg pants
Flannel: Aritzia
warm winter dress pants for women: in black wool
Wool: Banana Republic
warm winter dress pants for women: green corduroy pants with a side zip and kick flare
Cords: Tuckernuck
velvet pants with side pockets
Velvet: J.Crew

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

384 Comments

  1. Saw there was a comment on the holiday post about Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office and whether its overrated –

    What management / career development books that have come out more recently would you recommend?
    Maybe I don’t need the “Nice Girls” type books – I recently realized that I am less lenient than others at my level when it comes to everyone following the policies, keeping communication levels high across departments, things like that. Enforcing “best practices” even when they may be a little annoying. I think its worth it for the whole department but I know office politics can be sensitive. So trying to figure out whether my standards are reasonable or if I should ease up.

  2. We hosted a dozen people for Thanksgiving and, although they were all lovely, I found that the part of the day that gave me the most true joy was putting the house back in order after they left.  I’ve noticed that I have an increasing tendency to prioritize/enjoy crossing things off my to-do list over taking time to connect with people — and relatedly, I’m increasingly judgmental and impatient with people who are less organized than me about their time/space/activities, even when they are fun and kind people.  I really don’t want to be like this.  I want to be the person who stays up late helping a friend who needs a sympathetic ear, not the one who gets off the phone quickly because I’m scheduled for an early workout the next day.  Any ideas on how to chill out and enjoy the people in my life more would be welcome.  (Please be kind, I didn’t mean to turn into such an uptight person.)

    1. I have this tendency. We spend Christmas and New Year at my parents, and at some point, I’ll be itching to get home and get cracking on whatever my overly ambitious project is for the year. My love language is items ticked off my to do list.
      I found Jenny Odell’s work really lovely on this. I can’t say it has wholly reformed me, but the emphasis on noticing, particularly in the natural world has really helped.

    2. No advice, just commiseration. I also feel a deep and unreasonable joy returning to my routines and order after the fun chaos of the holiday. You are not alone!

    3. This happens to me when I’m very stressed. Do you have more going on in your life than you would like? Is there any way to cut back on the things that “must” be done?

    4. Completing tasks gives a hit of dopamine, so that may be contributing. Think about if there are other ways to fulfill your dopamine needs, so you may feel less compelled to check off your to-do list to achieve that satisfaction.

    5. Commiseration! I also enjoy the dopamine hit that comes with ticking off items on my to-do list. I think we can, in part, blame societal emphasis on business/the hustle for this…we are considered at our most valuable when we’re being efficient and “crushing it” and building relationships is softer and more nebulous. Honestly, what really gets me to stop and think is remembering COVID lockdown, when I truly wondered whether I’d ever have a sink filled with dirty dishes ever again. Now, when I look back on that, I revel in the jumble of shoes by the door and the pile of coats on my bed. Doesn’t mean I didn’t smile extra big today when I put away the last of the champagne flutes from Saturday’s Friendsgiving! But a little bit of forced reflection never hurts. Would also 2nd what was said above re: extra stress in your life…is something/are some-things crowding out your time so you don’t feel as though you have it left to give?

    7. I don’t really think it’s an either/or proposition the way you’re wording it. You can have an orderly house and still prioritize your friends. If your friendships suck the life out of you so much you don’t have time to sort through your mail pile, then maybe that’s telling you something. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. You shared your home with loved ones for Thanksgiving. Now it’s back in order. You have both. You can have both going forward.

    8. I’ve started thinking of spending time with people as one of the tasks on my to-do list. It helps me to give more of my full attention to the people I love instead of trying to multitask. But also I’m not usually hosting, that would stress me out especially with a larger number of people.

    9. I guess I don’t really see a problem. Did you feel like you weren’t present with your family? Did you rush anyone out the door? If not then chill. Like we say with other people’s small children, I love to see them and I love to give them back. Both things can be true. Hosting is hard, it’s ok to feel a sense of pleasure and relief at a job well done.

    10. Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! I’ll ponder all of this and look at the books people have recommended. I think part of it probably is being a little bit stressed all the time — I have the typical midlife overload of juggling careers, kids, etc. Finding a way to get “real connections with friends” on my to-do list might be the easiest way to reframe it, but maybe a bigger shift is needed. Because I do feel like I’m running through the to-do list rather than being truly present with people.

      1. I wonder: is it possible you’re more than a “little bit stressed”? It sounds like there’s something truly troubling you (or you saw something over the weekend that really troubled you) but you’re also talking about it in a way that minimizes or diminishes it.

        Also: Do you have any non-relational moments when you’re truly present? For example, when taking your first sips of coffee in the morning, while you’re on your morning commute and you’re seeing the landscape slide by, at night after everyone is in bed and the house is quiet and you’re getting ready for bed and putting on your comfy pj’s. If not, that’s another place to start.

  3. Y’all I can not with how rude my boss is this morning.

    Over the weekend a pipe burst and flooded the street infront of my house, my family is fine but it was stressful and there’s still clean up ongoing. My boss sent me a multipage email detailing all the work she wants me to do, over an HOUR later she messages me on slack to see ‘how I am’ (aka will I do her work), and when I mentioned a neighbor was in the hospital she said she didn’t think it was ‘that bad’.

    If you’re going to feign concern at least do it first.

    1. I don’t often say this, but you need to suck it up and deal. Things happen! Unless there is more to the story, your boss is not being rude.

      1. Well considering my boss took time off of work and it was an emergency when her basement flooded (from her own stupidity not an accident), the disparate treatment is notable. I’m tempted to just turn around and use my personal days.

        1. I admit I don’t understand – if the pipe was outside and your house wasn’t flooded, so you don’t need to do any cleanup, it seems like a very different scenario?

          2. If you communicate with your boss the same way you communicate here that explains the disconnect.

        2. Isn’t this what personal days are for? Why would it be a problem if either you or your boss used a personal day for stuff like this?

          Your options are to work as normal (with maybe a bit of “homing from work”) or to take time off to deal with it? Not sure what you were expecting?

      2. I work in public works and I kind of agree here – I wouldn’t consider a burst pipe (especially an outdoor one) to be so disastrous that it warrants checking in over.

        Entire house flooded / lost all possessions / house is potentially uninhabitable is one thing, burst water main and there’s construction and mess is simply annoying… and something that happens like 20x a winter in my city.

      3. My job is very understanding if we need to take time off, but if we’re on the clock we are on the clock.

        I do think it’s rude to make any trivializing comment about someone else’s hospitalization, even if it’s not clear how it came up.

      4. Based on the info shared here, I agree. Of course it is not great that your neighbor is in the hospital, but how is that relevant to your boss?

        Burst pipes happen. If it made a mess of the street and your yard, that sucks, but unless you are dealing with impacts to your family, your house, or your ability to leave and get to work, none of what you described sounds rude.

    2. It sounds like there’s more backstory than just her rudeness this morning. Does she always ask you to do “her” work on top of your own? In general as both a manager and a managee (so to speak), I assume if my boss wants me to do something, that that’s now my work. Commiseration for what you’re going through – it does sound like she was extremely rude today regardless of whatever your working relationship has been like.

      1. Right. Like what does this have to do with a neighbor being in the hospital? I am not connecting the dots here.

    3. You know your boss better than us, but when she asked how you are doing is it possible it was out of genuine concern, knowing you had a stressful morning? Was she checking in to see if you are overwhelmed with the tasks she sent to you, to determine if she should take some things off your plate? If she said your neighbor’s condition isn’t that bad was she trying to be positive, knowing you were worried about neighbor?

    4. idk, I wouldn’t assume a burst pipe meant inability to work? it landed a neighbor of yours in the hospital? How??

      1. This.

        I don’t even see how that could lead to a hospitalization.

        People work with inconvenient house maintenance or loud neighborhood things (like roadwork) literally all the time.

      2. It was the big city street pipe so it flooded the whole block (not a small house pipe). My neighbor is elderly and the flood knocked him over.

          1. Because I had to evacuate my home and I’ve been removing water from my basement once allowed to return?

          2. OP, in your shoes, over the weekend I would have emailed my boss and said “you may have seen that a major pipe burst in the city last night. That’s my block and we had to evacuate our home. I’m only just being allowed back in now to figure out what water damage we suffered. I need to take Monday off to deal with this – my apologies for the unavoidable short notice.”

            The way you posted about this originally is incredibly different than the actual circumstances, so I don’t blame your boss for not being a mind reader.

          3. Why would you need to evacuate your house if the only water inundation is in the basement? Yeah, it’s a PITA to clean up but it’s not the end of the world.

            Either take PTO today to clean it up or clean it up over the weekend / at night and work today. Idk what you want your boss to do.

          4. The whole block had to evacuate until the flood was under control, you can ask the firefighters why that is. I was simply following directions.

            I don’t want anything from my boss that’s the thing. I didn’t tell her on purpose. It’s just wildly rude that her concern with my house flooding is HER, and she made a point to bring it up because she wanted to know if it would impact HER.

          5. Why do you think she’s making it all about “her” when she’s making it all about “work”? She doesn’t sound like the most friendly, warm person but you also sound like you’re in BEC w/her.

          6. OP, I think what you can take from this is that burying the lede is incredibly unproductive.

            Say from the start that your block is evacuated and your house is flooded.

          7. OP, you really need to step back and look at this objectively.

            You didn’t tell your boss (!), but somehow think she should know the impact this event had on you, want her to express concern for you in a very specific manner, and are irate that she wants to know whether this will have an impact on work. How exactly do you think this should all play out? Were you just planning to not tell her, ignore work, and hope it would all be okay?

      3. Yeah, I feel like I’m not following this. A pipe burst a few days ago, but not even in your house? That sucks, but I definitely wouldn’t assume that meant you couldn’t work unless you actually told me that there was a problem.

    5. A pipe bursting *near* your house is something you mention in passing in response to “how was your weekend,” not something you should need accommodation or “feigned” concern over. Then time to work.

        1. Did you tell your boss about that part? Why did you go into work if all this was going on – why not take a personal day?

    6. Kat, not all the comments are showing up. This thread says there’s 12 of them but only four actually populate.

    7. Sorry I wasn’t clear this was the giant city street pipe that burst and flooded the whole block. My boss only found out from the news, since she’s obviously not the type to ask how my weekend went.

      1. Umm girl, how does she know where you live? Also, that’s the kind of thing that gets fixed quickly and is an irritant for a few hours.

        1. My address is in my work file and my boss unfortunately looked at that info for non-emergency reasons (when she shouldn’t have).

      2. I’m sorry you had a crappy weekend but I don’t think this merits the level of annoyance at your boss that you think it should.

      3. I’m with others, but also totally understand what you meant. I would find this annoying, frustrating, inconvenient, even. It happened to me when I lived in the city over a decade ago – like, it sucks. But it would have no bearing on my ability to do work. And I’m not following how the neighbor in the hospital has anything to do with work either.

      4. I honestly still don’t see it as a huge deal. I think you’re being a bit over sensitive.

      5. Was your home flooded? I lived in a city previously where the city pipes would regularly burst and cause floods and I never was unable to work, as my home itself was not flooded. Sometimes my child’s daycare would get flooded and I still would work.

        It’s usually best practice to respond to your boss’ emails at least acknowledging receipt (even if you cannot address it right away) so they don’t feel the need to follow up with you.

      6. I think she likely doesn’t realize the extend of what is involved, like many of the commentors. As a manager, it would be helpful to me if someone gently reframes things for me. Something like, “Manager, I just want to make sure you realize that this is a quite significant situation, much more than a routine home maintenance issue, and I’m expecting it to take me at least until x until I am able to work again. Please think more “hit by a hurricane” than “pipe burst “.

        1. Agree with this. I once had a sewage back up in my basement and took the rest of the day off to deal with remediation and insurance. My boss was annoyed but was I firm that dealing with the literal crap was my priority. I think people are being insensitive to the op to the extent her home was impacted and she’s still dealing with insurance claims and repairs. But I think the best way to communicate that is to use your pto time and explain the situation in matter of fact terms.

      7. Why wouldn’t you tell your boss yourself, and communicate clearly that your home was directly impacted/flooded?

        It seems very high-maintenance to expect your boss to know your specific address and to be able to connect the dots that the news headline is about your neighborhood, and unreasonable to expect them to know that your basement flooded and you had to evacuate.

    8. I think replies to replies aren’t showing. And the new format is hard in general, especially on mobile. It’s really hard to hit the expand comments button and requires soooooo much scrolling due to the excessive spacing. It’s also not saving my name and email.

    9. Asking about a weekend is so perfunctory that I wouldn’t think twice about someone not asking.

      1. I am surprised OP wants her boss to ask such an invasive, personal, prying question given her outrage that her boss looked at her have me address for unethical reasons.

    10. I don’t understand how a burst pipe that floods your street and presumably doesn’t damage your house, or a hospitalized neighbor, warrant “concern” or affect your ability to work. If you can’t work take PTO.

    11. To me, “I didn’t think it was that bad” would mean that your boss heard “a pipe burst” and assumed it was a frustrating situation, not a life-threatening one (that put your neighbor in the hospital). Obviously you have more context and it sounds like there’s history of insensitivity on her part.

    12. It sounds like your boss is wondering if you need to officially take time off instead of cleaning your basement on company time, which it seems like you were expecting to do.

        2. If you’ve made it to the office sooo early, then how does anything about your basement or neighbor impact your ability to do your job? Besides your attitude, that is.

  4. Recommendations on home goods/tech store to find a shower radio with bluetooth? Surprisingly can’t find anything at Target, bed Bath beyond, Home Depot, or Wayfair. Really don’t want to go am*zon. Maybe I am not using the right search term?

    3. I’m not convinced these other retailers are any better than Amazon – they all drop shop and use third party sellers. Bed Bath and Beyond is now part of Overstock,for example. Buy what you need and don’t sweat it for once, if you can’t find the item elsewhere.

    4. Try just googling that. I just did and a number of options came up including Best Buy, Sharper Image (didn’t know that still existed), Macy’s x2, and the great evil empire

  5. Unexpected Black Friday weekend purchase! I’m excited to replace my 14-cup Cuisinart from approximately 1982 with a new one. All the retailers have the 14-cup Cuisinart for $200 on sale, and Kohl’s has an extra 20% off today. Mine has served me well, but the blade “stem” broke and the replacement part isn’t up to the task.

    1. I never knew hatred for a kitchen appliance until the flimsy, finicky Cuisinart came into my life. I replaced my Cuisinart food processer with a Ninja about a year ago and love the Ninja.

      1. I agree. I have a big Cuisinart that lives in my basement and only gets dragged out when I really need it, it’s so unpleasant to use. But I have a small Kitchen Aid (4 cups?) that sits on my counter and gets used constantly.

    2. I don’t use my food processor often (another Cuisinart), but every time I do, I kick myself for not getting off my wallet and just buying the Robot Coupe that’s a workhorse in every restaurant kitchen everywhere. I would use it more.
      Too many little nooks and crannies in the Cuisinart to take apart and clean!

    4. I’m the outlier, I guess. We had a super heavy old-school Cuisinart and when a key part broke we replaced it with a flimsier plastic model. Turns out I LOVE the lighter weight new one, which is a lot easier to get in and out of the cabinet when I need it. And so far (at least a couple of years now) it’s held up well.

  6. Aiiiii!
    Christmas is on a Wednesday. So Christmas Eve is a Tuesday. Am I right that people will be checking out for the year as early as 12/20? My month is compressing to the point where I’m having the vapors for getting a month’s worth of work done in a couple of weeks.

    1. I hate to tell you this, but many people in my office are going offline on the 12th.

    3. yeah, if there are specific projects where you think you’ll need someone’s input after the 20th I would inquire about their holiday schedule now. A lot of people at mine are going to be taking time off but mostly around the house with family, and so if something is hot can step away for an hour or two to deal with it from home.

    5. I’ve made my billing target for the year and my last meaningful court appearance for the year will be tomorrow, so, uh …

    7. Yes. We are proactively scheduling year-end contracts to be completed by the 16th, so as to have enough time for signing before the holiday. This has been in place since before Thanksgiving.

    9. Yes. I hate it when Christmas is on a Wednesday. It basically kills the entire week and makes figuring out when to travel hard.

    10. 100% that’s what people (myself included) are doing. I don’t know anyone planning to work that Monday or Tuesday, even though my company doesn’t technically “close” for the holidays until Christmas Day.

    11. My company recently announced that everyone is off on Christmas Eve. So I am taking Monday the 23rd as a vacation day because honestly who wants to work on a random Monday before Christmas. Pretty sure everyone else is doing the same. My team has on call days so someone is around to handle urgent requests.

    12. Opposing counsel in one of my cases tried to insist on a filing deadline on 12/23. It took everything in me to not email back simply, “lol no.”

    13. Yeah, I think you had your extra week in November when Thanksgiving was on almost the last possible day it could be.

      1. *The* last possible day – it’s always the 4th Thursday, and November started on a Friday :)

  7. Does anyone have the Lo & Sons Aoyama bag? I have a similar nylon-fabric bag and was looking at this shape in a more elegant / office iteration since it’s handy for essentials and I don’t want to lug a laptop bag to things like lunch with a client (or just a nicer event where I don’t want my crappy weekend bag).

    1. I bought the Aoyama after someone (maybe you?) posted a similar question last week. It’s currently 20% off for Cyber Monday.

      I intend to use the Aoyama to replace the Uniqlo round mini shoulder bag that I was using as my everyday bag. (The Uniqlo replaced the Lululemon Everywhere belt bag, because the 2L size was just getting too small). The Aoyama has better storage and organization than both bags, as most Lo & Sons bags do. After transferring everything over, I was initially not as impressed because it didn’t seem to hold that much more than the twenty-dollar Uniqlo bag. I generally carry a cardholder mini-wallet, sunglasses, keys, lip glosses, kleenex, hand wipes, hand sanitizer, two little bags the size of snack-size Ziplocs for all my odds and ends, and a Wubbanub (plushie on a pacifier) for my baby. Then I realized the bottom really expands like a Mary Poppins bag, as I was able to place a 16.9 oz bottle of Perrier sparkling water in there without any noticeable difference in bulk other than weight!

      Size-wise, it appears to be only slightly larger than the Uniqlo bag. I have the Uniqlo bag in black and the Aoyama in black/gunmetal, so the general look is similar, but the Aoyama looks more sophisticated. I’m 5’1″ and it isn’t overwhelming on me, but it is more like a regular hobo bag than a mini crescent bag. I wouldn’t call it an elegant evening bag once you remove its straps, but it’s still very nice. The sheepskin leather is so buttery and lightweight, but Redditors indicate it can be scuffed. The only other drawback is the shoulder strap is fabric with the brand logo printed on it, and clicks together with seatbelt buckles. This makes it look more casual and can even be a safety issue as it can be easier for a thief to unclick the bag and yank it off your shoulder, if that is a concern for you.

      I haven’t worn it in the wild yet because it just came in, so no help there, but the articles and reviews I’ve read online all seem to rave about it. I think if you tried and love the Uniqlo mini bag or a similar one, then this will definitely be a luxe upgrade of the same.

  8. This is sort of a mom question but I’m really looking for the perspective of people who have been in my daughter’s position before, not those who specifically have daughters.

    I have a 3rd grade girl who marches very much to her own beat, and gets along with everyone at school but isn’t developing friendships beyond those surface friendships in the way my other two kids did. This kiddo *seems* fine and happy, and my parent gut says to just let her do her thing, but I want to make sure there isn’t anything we can or should be doing to support her socially. She has after school activities she loves and makes pals there but not the kind she ever wants to hang out with 1:1, and she’s never invited to more intimate parties or playdates (just whole class or whole GS troop type things). when I watch her interact with kids her own age in more intimate/social settings, I can see them getting annoyed by her (she’s being annoying!)- things like failing to read or care about social cues, inflexibility around play, acting out for attention, that sort of thing. I’ve spoken with her teachers who say she is friendly to all in class, and especially kind to some of the kids that are special needs so I just want to ask the universe how – if at all- to help her nurture friendships as she gets older.

    She’s got is young for her grade, is highly gifted, and has [mild but noticeable] ADHD which is sort of a Bermuda triangle of emotional maturity. She is also “has some autistic characteristics but nothing warranting a diagnosis” per her neuropsych, which is relevant more in terms of personality type than anything else.
    I have two other kids that are only one of the three (one is gifted, one is young for the grade, neither are ADHD) and they are much more “typical” in terms of their socialization. My kid is more of the “I do what I want and I’ll play with whomever is there…or not.”

    Were you this kind of kid growing up? What worked? What did you wish your parents had done, if anything?

    1. This sounds like me. Honestly, nothing my parents did worked, I was given the opportunity to skip grades and my parents withheld that opportunity as motivation for me to make friends which, pro-tip, never happened. I ended up going low contact with my parents at 25 and getting an ASD diagnosis. Now a 32 year old who is happily married, owns a fancy house, and works a very important job, but still only has two friends and is undoubtedly ‘annoying’ to most people.

    2. I was kind of this kid growing up. I was the youngest in my grade (right before the cut off), gifted, and I spent the years before school pretty much only hanging out with adults so I was just a bit of an oddball who didn’t understand other kids very well. My parents didn’t do anything about it – my mom would sometimes give gentle advice but she never pushed me and she let the natural consequences of me missing social cues just sort of play out. I was still a little behind going into high school but it all worked itself out and I am still close friends with people from that age. If your daughter doesn’t seem bothered, I would follow her cues for now.

    3. I think one of the best things you can do for your kids is help them figure out how to socially fit in. If you or your spouse is good at it, talk to your kid about how. Make opportunities for her, gently coach her. It’s a lot easier to do it while she’s young, too. Social skills will matter more than just about any other skill as she gets older.

      1. I remember once in college my dad telling me that it was okay to be the inviter/organizer and that my mom is and that’s how they have so many friends. I took that to heart apparently and now many years later I’m definitely the inviter and have made a lot of friends that way. It’s worth it to intentionally teach things like this.

      2. Agree, with emphasis on gentle. Social skills aren’t inherent and can be taught. As long as you keep it as gentle advice or trying to help organize smaller play dates/groups I think it’s helpful. You don’t need to let your daughter know it’s a major deal, just part of your typical parental guidance. If it doesn’t take, at least you tried while the stakes were low.

    4. Honestly? It sounds like she might be autistic; this is what it looks like in girls. Does she need a lot of quiet time to herself after school or other social obligations? Does she sometimes have meltdowns where you can’t give her anything or reason with her to make it stop (which is the way a typical temper tantrum goes, give the kid the candy and the temper tantrum stops). Does she have problems with textures or tags in her clothing?

      There ARE social skill groups for kids like these, but it sounds like she’s at the high end of functioning. But she might benefit. You could also take a look at Social Thinking products and see if any libraries or schools near you have them; there are also groups that teach the curriculum. Social skill groups in general are seen as ableist, but if you want to give her the tools she can decide whether or not to use them. (She also might meet friends who are a better fit for her.)
      https://www.socialthinking.com/products?slug=products&facetFilters=\%22ages%3AAges+8-10\%22

      Understanding whether she might be on the spectrum can help both you and her — I’ve changed my parenting a ton since learning my son is autistic.

      1. OP here- I did mention in my post that she had a full neuropsych that some autistic characteristics popped up, but nothing close to warranting a dx. The way it was presented to us it was more like “helpful tips for parenting” and not “pursue diagnosis” as there’s no way she’d qualify. A social skills group might be helpful; she’s in the inclusive class at school at our request and they have a couple high functioning autistic kids with 1:1 aids. She picks up a lot from seeing those interactions and all the extra SEO skills in the class.

        Honestly her dad is pretty similar and was also apparently tested as a kid ;).

        1. Just FYI AFAB children are very good at masking and can often hide through an ASD assessment very easily since they are designed for boys.

          1. This is not true. All neuropsychological measures are designed to assess boys and girls. Neuropsychologists are trained to evaluate both boys and girls. Any qualified NP with experience in ASD diagnosis will be able to draw the right conclusions.

          3. If I mention something about my daughter, I really don’t need any AFAB as a response. Thank you.

          4. 12:40pm – you are very very wrong on this. My daughter was not flagged as having autism until she was evaluated by a specialist who understood autism in girls. The research for decades has been on boys only and girls present very differently. If this child had characteristics pop up that align with autism, she is higher IQ (not achievement, which is entirely different), is clearly causing mom to gut check her development, then I would suggest revisiting this evaluation with a specialist who understands autism in girls.

            My children did very well with the social thinking curriculum once they were in 3rd grade. I’d look to find a in network speech therapist who can work with her on this.

      2. This. My 20-year-old was just like this as a child and was diagnosed with ASD (and ADHD and anxiety) when they pursued it in their first year in college. Perfectly nice but no desire for deeper connection. Their dad is like that as well. To some extent I just try to be okay with it, because they aren’t bothered by it at all and nothing I tried to do when they were younger worked.

    5. I was this kid growing up (and so was my father). The advice he gave me as a child was very much that it gets better once you find your people. For him, that was university so he tried hard to make that happen earlier for me. What helped for me was my parents leaned heavily into activities where I would run into other kids like me (not as hard when their friends were professors, PhDs, ex pats, etc. and all produced smart kids and were on a similar search). Things really turned around in high school once I got in really involved in debate, and university was great. So, not gonna lie, there is no magic solution now, but it does get better.

      1. Yeah, I was like this too. Finding my people meant being in the gifted classes in junior high, and changing classes, I think. It helped not being in one class all day.

    6. I wish my parents had gotten me on effective ADHD meds.

      What they did well was provide opportunities for me to get to know other people who were more like me as well as opportunities to work on more formal adult social skills (since school is really an ephemeral social environment with ephemeral social norms anyway). A lot of my actual classmates have faded from my memory by now, but I still remember certain conversations with graduate students who shared my interests and made me feel understood. I didn’t want to annoy people I looked up to and really worked on making a good impression on people I perceived as mentors or authorities in whatever I was invested in.

      But kids my age weren’t peers in any meaningful sense; they were way ahead of me socially, but my interests were generally interests that kids my age did not share unless they were also similarly ND. I could pass time with them, but we really were not well matched; if I were going to go play with kids on the playground right now it would feel similar in a lot of ways! Especially as I got older, my parents went way out of their way to find classes and pursuits that attracted kids my age who were also outliers on some metric (who had strong interests, who were organizing their lives around some talent or skill, or who had more of a “I do what I want” attitude themselves). I definitely needed kids my age that I could relate to especially after I was twelve or so, even if we saw each other infrequently or mostly texted.

      My parents also provided a lot of opportunities to get to know animals. I had much less difficulty picking up on non-verbal social cues from animals (especially cats and wild animals like birds and reptiles; dogs sometimes seemed to be plugged in to the same social norms I was behind in), and I took a lot of pride in being able to win their trust. I think maybe being old enough to be calm and predictable but socially behind enough to be a little undeveloped or childlike made animals like and trust me more easily? And there’s often less of a culture of age segregation (so a falconry club may have teens and adults and retirees and it’s not obvious who is a newbie and who is senior based on their experience rather than age). However, that was just me. Some of the same-age friends I made were spending the same time on things like learning to fly planes, programming, geology, rare languages, carpentry, all areas where it was a lot less important that everyone be the same age or at the same developmental stage. So we didn’t have the same interests in common so much as a lot of access to the adult world and socialization in an adult setting.

    7. I was like this and I really wish there had been the kind of social skills training there is now. As an adult I’m great with people but it was rough and I think a support group and some help would have been really nice.

      1. I don’t know if this makes you feel better or not, but we have used “social skills” training with my DS and it’s hard to tell whether it’s actually effective. He knows what he’s “supposed” to do, but doing it in the moment is another story entirely.

        1. Yes, it’s not always effective. I can pick up on any social cues just fine, but it takes me way too long to implement in real time. Realistically I don’t finish processing what people were conveying until later in the day!

    8. I was this kid. The things that didn’t work were keeping me out of gifted programs I qualified for hoping I’d learn socialization from the mainstream kids. It did not. I was a freak and believe me they let me know it. When things got really bad (end of 5th through 8th grade), my parents attempted a couple of times to talk to the school. It went from just having no friends and being iced out of groups to people actively bullying/harassing/beating up. Maybe it was my parents, maybe it was my school, but things definitely got worse, not better from that.
      Things that did make life bearable when it was really bad… having teachers and adults who kept an eye from a distance and let me do what I needed to do to get by. In my case, it was finding a spot in the woods or an unoccupied classroom where I could read my book and not be bothered, even though obviously I wasn’t supposed to be either of those places. That probably wouldn’t fly now.
      With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had some sort of help to maybe teach me some of how people get on with each other (social skills? life skills?) in a way that didn’t treat me like a freak for not knowing. I’d have also appreciated my folks making more of an effort to cultivate friendships with fellow little weirdos, rather than trying to make me “normal”. My trying to do and be like everyone else is WAY weirder than just being me. I suspect I’m somewhere on the spectrum, but testing and treatment wasn’t really a thing then except for really low functioning kids. Only real option was to suck it up and deal. I’m glad kids have better options today.
      By HS, I was able to find other kids to be friends with, mostly because we had the same interests and were the smart weirdos in our own schools.
      As an adult, I can figure out my own way, and can get through most social settings without embarrassing myself or anyone else. I still don’t feel comfortable in large groups of people I don’t know. Grad school was amazing for the simple fact that for once in my life almost everyone else was just like me.

      1. Funny we were both punished for our social failings by withholding educational enrichment and advancement.

        1. Things were just so different then. I’m thankful for the people who didn’t treat me like a freak and try to pay it forward as best I’m able.

    9. What helped me was realizing that other kids were being bullied too, and that if I reached out to them I could find real friends.

    10. I am parenting a kid like this. ADHD meds help, but they definitely haven’t solved everything. Now that he’s in high school, it’s been easier for him to find his people, which makes a huge difference. Not to say it’s perfect, because he still stumbles, but it’s better. He did not have close friendships in elementary for many of the reasons you mentioned in your post.

      Social skills have been a big focus in his monthly therapy sessions. To what benefit, I can’t really say. He understands what to do in theory but can’t always put those concepts into practice in the moment.

      It is a tough road for these kids. Make sure you’re giving your DD a safe place to land and that she has other people (extended family, family friends) who love and accept who she is.

    11. There’s a book called “Growing Friendships” that both of my kids (one who sounds a lot like your daughter, one who is quite different) have found helpful in terms of basic friendship skills. I read it to them around 2nd grade and I intermittently spot each of them picking it up and rereading it, several years later.

    12. I have a perspective as a mom of an autistic girl in 3rd grade.

      My 3rd grader is perfectly happy talking to kids at school and during activities without 1:1 playdates at home. Home is where she relaxes and recovers from the social interactions. I don’t see a reason to change that.

      She has social skills / speech work as a part of her IEP to help those interactions. They practice certain social situations so she understands how to respond in real life. Maybe talk to your SPED coordinator about how to add this to your daughter’s IEP.

      1. I’m not autistic but I was the same way as a kid. I didn’t have “playdates.” Maybe it’s because I grew up in the 80s/early 90s but moms weren’t organizing playdates back then. We played with the other kids who lived on our street but there was never anything formal. Not until middle school/high school when my friends and I started independently organizing going to the movies or having sleepovers or whatever.

      2. OP here- she doesn’t have an IEP. The door is open t create one if needed but we haven’t needed it so far. Our school and her teachers essentially provide what we would ask for as table stakes.

    13. This sounds like my sister. She’s never been able to keep close friendships beyond family for more than 3 or 4 years. (Currently 25, and did just move in with her boyfriend of 2.5 years, so in a positive direction) No one in my family has been diagnosed with anything besides anxiety because we’re all smart kids who didn’t rock the boat in school and grew up poor, but I’m sure we’d have been diagnosed with something if we had been disruptive or had more resources available to us growing up.
      Anyway, parental involvement never helped and sometimes hindered. I see a recommendation for a book in the other comments and that’s probably what would have had the most impact for my sister, assuming it’s a good book. Meddling in other people’s relationships doesn’t usually help them have better relationships, being a soundboard and providing perspective can.

    14. while i think you can do some of the things mentioned here, i did not have a lot of friends in middle/high school, which already bothered me and what made it 10000% worse, was that my well meaning parents kept asking me what my plans were for saturday nights, or why i wasn’t doing x, y and z, etc. i honestly would’ve been ok being at home watching a movie, but my parents made me feel like there was something “wrong” with me because i didn’t have a lot of friends. i found my people and flourished in college. so a huge part of it is just supporting your kid with who they are, and not who you want them to be

      1. OP here and this is exactly the advice I’m here for. I want to walk to line if being supportive and helpful without making her feel bad or like what she’s doing is wrong, especially with two social siblings.

      2. oh, damn do we have the same parents?
        I’m perfectly happy still to hang out at home and not have x,y,z plans.

        I wish both of my parents encouraged my interests outside of school. I was advanced in art skills and desperate for more of that beyond what the regular school classes and local programs provided. My mom signed me up for lessons in the city on the weekends and enciuraged that. But my dad would have a crappy attitude about the logistics and cost.
        The same with riding lessons.

        I guess I wish my parents were more encouraging and facilitating of individual persuits and actually understood that I was perfectly fine doing my own thing at home alone.

        I did not get along socially with my peers. My school had pervasive bullying, was one of the most academically well regarded districts in the state, with a majority upper class population (a small working class and even smaller population of poc).

        I guess I wish my parents also understood how agonizing and irritating school could be some days (just from a sensory perspective even). Maybe my class was an anomally for behaviors, but there was always someone being distracting, loud or raising the energy level and bouncing off the walls.

    15. My now 28 y/o daughter was like this, too (no ADHD though). She rarely wanted an afterschool playdates – she called school at 6 hour playdate. She always participated in a number of sports and clubs but only had a couple of close friends. She’s still like this, and she chose not to attend the traditional Wednesday before Thanksgiving HS gathering at a local pub (my son went). She’s fine and she’s doing well professionally. On the other hand, there some girls in her elementary school that were so attached to each other that it was almost catastrophic if they weren’t in the same class, Brownie troop, rec soccer team, etc. I’m really glad that she wasn’t dependent on other kids to that extent.

    16. First of all, it seems like you are being observant and on top of things, so kudos! Second, I see a lot of very specifically tailored advice that might’ve worked in the post-ers’ lives but might not work in your daughter’s. You say she is happy (great!) but also annoying her peers sometimes. I would work on social skills with her and try to train her to be aware of how she is making others feel. Is she getting too close physically or interrupting? Try to role play how that makes other people feel. Anyway, keep up the great work!

      1. To be fair, we weren’t asked for advice; we were asked what worked for us!

        Training ADHD kids not to interrupt is a heck of an idea though.

  9. Is it worth moving money from a HYSA to a CD now that rates are going down?

    Right now Capital One Performance Savings (their HYSA) has an APY of 3.90%. Which is fine and similar to others, but lower than it’s been in the past, which makes sense.

    Their CDs have rates around 4% – not much higher. At what % difference does it really make sense to move about $30k from a HYSA -> a CD, assuming I don’t need the money in that time.

  10. What do we need to buy as first time skiers? My husband, our two kids and I are going to try skiing for the first time this winter break. We are going to rent skis and all the equipment but what should we buy to prepare? Coming from NYC so we have typical winter coats but I imagine we need waterproof everything? I want to take advantage of cyber Monday deals so any advice/suggestion is much appreciated!!

    1. Following. Our church youth group is going skiing and my teens have never been. We get cold weather but rarely snow. [I grew up in the NEUS but long enough ago that we skied with long johns under our jeans and it was more ice; here, it is warm-ish enough that afternoon slush means kids would likely get more wet than I remember.]

    2. As a nonskier who took my family on a ski day trip 2 years ago to try it out: Borrow from friends (don’t buy) what you can: wool socks (not too thick is my recollection), ski goggles, mittens. Maybe it’s worth investing in mittens/gloves if you’ll use them all winter anyway. Or maybe it’s worth buying long/silk underwe@r for the folks who stopped growing but not the ones still growing. We borrowed a lot (including snow pants for me), and it was the right decision.

    3. If you have parkas they’ll do fine for a first time trip. tbh for my first time I didn’t buy anything other than socks (the ski kind here really matters – they are padded – merino is best). I borrowed pants from a friend and then just wore regular leggings and athletic layers underneath. Hand warmers were nice for the lift. If your family ends up loving it you can buy more.

      If you don’t have anything suitable at all, I like Athleta’s Rainier (for 30s+ weather) or Altitude (0’s to 20’s) tights for me. Icebreaker makes nice merino top layers. Helly Hansen, Smartwool are others that work well. Check out REI or Backcountry. At REI I really like their liner gloves – they are thin, essentially leggings for your hands, that allow you to slip a hand out of a bulky ski glove and use your phone without exposing bare skin!

    4. Base layers
      Fleece layer
      Ski jackets and pants. Bib pants for young or skinny kids
      Neck gaiter
      Gloves
      Smartwool socks
      Hand warmers if needed
      Rent the rest.

      1. +1 to this list
        You don’t need the fanciest or highest quality of everything, but you do need actual waterproof snow pants (beginners spend a lot of time falling and therefore your butt is going to get wet) and good base layers. You can throw a fleece on top of your base layer to make work whatever the warmest coat you already have is.
        Also I highly second Smartwoool as the brand for socks. And you specifically need “ski socks” so they come up high enough. Nothing more annoying than having your socks fall into your boot because they’re not high enough.
        Lands End has 50% off everything including their snowpants and base layers, so that’s where I’d probably look as a first timer.

        1. +1 to waterproof ski pants and taller wool socks.

          I ski a lot and for base layers, Uniqlo heat tech long underwear is my go-to. Effective and cheap enough that you can get several sets to have a fresh set each day if you sweat in them.

    5. You probably already have the basics: hat, gloves, base layers, warm socks, etc. If you have kids, they probably already have snow pants too. You’ll need a short (hip length) coat, so if you already have them that’s great but if not you’ll want to get those. Or, you can wear more base layers + a raincoat over it (ditto for pants – you can do base layers + rain pants or nylon pants).

      I am not a good skier, but I live in Philly and take advantage of the local ski hill a few times a year and venture to a larger mountain in the Poconos once a year or so. I’ve totally gotten by in the past with base layer + fleece leggings under rain pants and a base layer + fleece + rain coat and my existing hat and gloves before. I bought a cheap ski jacket and ski pants on Amazon last year (probably $80 or less in all). I wouldn’t recommend this for legit skiing or very cold areas, but for what I do its more than fine.

    6. Let your friends and family know you are going. My husband’s coworkers gave our whole family handmedown ski outfits.

    7. Spend a little on good long johns- Patagonia Capilene is what I’d get if you’ve got the budget, but WalMart and Target will have options that are perfectly fine, too. You will get your money’s out of them doing other things even if you never ski again. If you don’t own a pair of good, tall, heavy socks, get some. Again, you’ll get your money’s worth even if you never ski again.
      I haven’t skiied in years, but when I did, I just wore old jeans that were a size big to accommodate a layer or two underneath.
      You can spend a ton, but it’s really not necessary.

    8. Vermonter here. Fabric is critical when it comes to staying warm. Basically, you want wool. Darn Tough ski socks are great. Smart Wool sweater over a base layer or turtleneck with a fleece and then an anorak. You can wear leggings under your snowpants in lieu of long Johns. Amazon Essentials has perfect, low cost snowpants. There are a ton of crappy mittens out there. If anyone in your party is prone to cold hands, it’s worth spending on liners, plus good mittens and hand warmers. The warmest in my experience are lined Kinko leather gloves. First runner up goes to a pair of inexpensive lined wool mittens from Uniqlo (not good for a beginner as they’re blind to get wet due to falls). Have fun!

  11. Gift idea for team members (mostly attorneys) for under 35 ? I feel like all have water bottles / coffee mugs already. Can’t be cash or gift card

    2. how many people are we talking about and is there something they’d all enjoy at the office that you could use your budget for? A mini fridge? A Keurig? I’d like that way better than a generic one-size-fits-all $25 boss gift.

    3. I give bottles of fancy champagne to the attorneys on my team. Know your team, obviously. You could also do some other fancy food gift, like a really cool local box of chocolates or nuts. I think the trick to gifting this stuff is to make it decadent enough that the person would not buy it themselves. I am not impressed by a bag of grocery store chocolate, but if you went to the adorable small chocolatier in town and picked up something special, that brings a bit of wow, hopefully even to those who grump about one more sweet during the holidays.

      1. This is a know your team thing for sure. I’m sober but not many people know it. It’s not something I broadcast. A bottle of champagne would be regifted.

        1. Yeah. I literally said that, and even put an “obviously” at the end. And I thought about adding a comment about how someone always mentions that not everyone drinks and not everyone knows not everyone drinks. Girl we get it. Don’t give alcohol to people who are sober if they’re sober for a sensitive reason.
          But otherwise, it’s pretty darn hard to find ANY gift under $35 that is going to be universally appreciated by every person. If you’re trying to buy one gift that’s the same for each of your team members, look for something that is thoughtful and that can be regifted or passed on to a family member if it’s not their jam. Champagne and nice wine clearly fits this bill. And if one of your team members doesn’t drink, or you’re not sure if they drink, then maybe go for the chocolate. And if they hate chocolate, try candied pecans or Sugarwish, which is a site where they get to go online and pick out their gift so you know it’s something they like.

          2. Giving alcohol to a person who doesn’t drink even if it’s *only* for health or religious reasons and not addiction, is still a burden, they now have this bottle they need to get rid of or regift.

          3. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t drink for non-addition reasons (health, religion, just don’t like it, grew up with addicts and didn’t want to go down that path) who doesn’t keep some on hand for when they have people over. The only houses I know that are dry are some addicts houses (not all – my cousin’s husband is a recovering alcoholic and she keeps a little in their house because she drinks socially).

            I don’t drink at home (because I was drinking too much and needed to cut back and for me the best way to do that is hard and fast rules – no at-will moderation for me) but I keep a well stocked bar.

          4. I think that depends on your social circle. None of my friends really drink. If we go out for a nice dinner, a few people might order something but maybe not. I’m stopped buying beer for parties or keeping alcohol on hand because no one ever drank it.

          5. I have never been served alcohol by someone who doesn’t drink for religious reasons. Most people I know who don’t drink also don’t have alcohol in the house at all.

    5. If you’re able to give alcohol, I would consider a nice bottle of wine (anything over $20 is nice in my book). Even if they don’t drink / don’t drink wine, it can be a hostess gift and there are always occasions requiring hostess gifts this time of year.

    6. I rub elbows with a lot of public interest attorneys who seem to love to receive branded Yeti cups, specifically the 20 oz. Rambler. If your organization is not as “cool” as these attorneys’ public interest orgs then YMMV.

  12. Do you have a favorite site for creating photo books? Tell me which you like/hate and why. I’ve used Shutterfly in the past, but that was about 3 years ago. I did a quick search on the site, but didn’t see any recent discussions on this topic.

      1. I use Artifact Uprising for super high quality / gift style photos – e.g., an album of photos from my brother’s wedding for my parents

        I like Mixbook or Mpix for regular photo books (e.g., ordinary course vacation so I have something to store)

    2. I’ve used Mixbook for years. Their mobile site leaves a lot to be desired but I haven’t found better. I like that you can adjust your layouts and add a ton of pages. My vacation photo books are usually 200 pages. After I get the book, I’ll pick which picture(s) I want to print to hang on the wall. They have a good variety of media for their prints. I’ve used metal, acrylic, and canvas. The metal will chip if you bang them around (ahem, don’t hang them correctly and they fall). The acrylic has been more durable.

      Agree with the other poster that they always have discounts.

    3. Printique (which is Adorama’s photo printing company) for wedding album, Shutterfly for everything else. Printique messed up the printing but were good about redoing it (they printed the same page twice and skipped another page). Quality was better than shutterfly, but i’m not convinced it was better enough to be worth the price difference. Shutterfly is fine.

    4. I used snapfish to make our wedding albums – they’re not the fanciest but they’re still quite nice and I find that artifact uprising photos tend to come out dark in their books. But might have just had a one-off bad print.

    5. I’ve used artifact uprising for years for high end, heirloom type books – think fabric bound, embossed. Cost is commensurate with quality. Their interface is better than it used to be.

    6. I’ve always used Mixbook but last year the first copy I ordered was so bad quality-wise. One of the pages was loose and there were a lot of printing issues. They sent a replacement for free, but it wasn’t really that much better. I’m going to look at other options this year.

    7. I used Milk Books (in Australia I think) for a wedding album and it’s beautiful. I wouldn’t worry about that for standard family albums, especially if you want to review them often.

  13. I get into an anxiety cycle which is not healthy or productive and I don’t know how to stop it. FWIW, I am treated (SSRI) for anxiety, but in the past have not found therapy to be helpful, so I have not kept up with it.

    I get anxious about something, both in my personal life and at work, so I put off doing it because I’m afraid of the outcome. Then I get really anxious about it not being done and have borderline panic attacks, but I still can’t bring myself to do it.

    Recent examples include fixing an issue on a voucher from a work trip and scheduling / following through with expensive/painful dental work I need. I know putting off doing the thing will only make it worse (late fees, worse dental situation). Everything rational says I need to just do it, but I freeze. And then I’m embarrassed that I can’t just be an adult and get it done.

    Any tips on getting it done?

    1. Ah I have this issue. The thing a therapist said that helped was that either I could be anxious now + anxious when I have to deal with it later, or just anxious when dealing with it now. So for that selfish reason I can motivate myself to do it.

      I also have a phobia of doctors in general and dentists specifically. So that particular example hits me. I’m currently psyching myself up for a doctors appt by saying its an opportunity for me to audition a new PCP.

      I basically have to not think too much about things like this. Just decide that “we are doing the voucher thing now” and get through it in a robotic way.

    2. Have you ever been down the ADHD assessment road? I learned the hard way that one way people manage undiagnosed and untreated ADHD is putting things off until the absolute last minute so the panic response will produce the stimulation we need to focus (literally self-medicating with our own stress hormones). This often works until we miss a deadline and then it kind of breaks it since we’ve experienced that technically we no longer “have to” complete things before the deadline.

      I never felt anxious about the outcome though; I just couldn’t make myself do things for no reason whatsoever. So maybe that is different.

      1. I wish it was just “monkey brain” would rather do something fun than these tasks, but whenever I think about doing these tasks I get a pit in my stomach, my chest tightens, and my heart rate increases. It’s literally physically uncomfortable to deal with them.

    4. My mental trick is to try and condition myself so thinking of the things is no longer painful – I Pavlov myself by giving myself a little treat every time I even think of the bad thing (an appointment I don’t want to make, exercise I don’t want to do, etc.) Because I find that if even the thought of the things brings up only shame and discomfort, it is near impossible to do anything. Breaking that up in some small way shows that the things is not insurmountable.

    5. I like living by “Eat the Frog” or “Worst First”. It makes the rest of the day better when I get the most dreaded task out of the way. And usually it’s not that bad. I’m afraid of the dentist, too. Try and plan something fun or a treat immediately after your appointment.

      1. OP here – for things that don’t cause me anxiety, I am great at Eating the Frog. If it’s just unpleasant or something I’m not looking froward to, no problem to get it done and over with. But, when its anxiety I have a very physical reaction and it’s not a normal thing I can talk myself in or out of. If I could be rational about this stuff, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I can’t.

    6. You might consider discussing your medication with your doctor. My adult daughter had this issue while on an SSRI and added Wellbutrin, which led to great results. Sometimes just telling yourself to do better isn’t enough.

  14. I have $50k cash. $15k is in a money market and $30k is sitting in admittedly crappy rate savings. What should I do with this? I’d like $20k accessible within a couple days for my own neurotic reasons (grew up in a family that couldn’t pay bills), but I don’t need $50k sitting here doing nothing.

    1. High yield saving account at bank of your choice. I have mine at Ally and can access it pretty much instantly. My money market account at Vanguard is also accessible within a few days.

    2. I’d do a CD, you can always get your money quickly if you need it, you just pay a small penalty at that dollar amount.

      1. I didn’t find my CD money quick to access, even when I waited for maturity. I’d choose a high yield savings account for this reason.

    3. I’d put about $40K in a high yield savings and $10 is your basic checking/savings account. Emergencies can generally be put on a credit card and it’s unlikely you’ll need more than $10K at any given time. Worst case scenario you put it on the credit card and transfer funds for your credit card due date.

  15. Does no one else find the pardon of Hunter Biden hypocritical? I loathe trump but I so over Democrat double standards.

    1. No I don’t GAF, we should be able to stoop to their level too. No point in taking the high road with savages.

      1. Ah yes, changing your own morality to match the morality of people you think are immoral is always a good idea.

    2. Yes, I feel like we’ve stooped to the level of the Other Side, and that any horrific thing that Voldemort does in office will be answered with a reference to this pardon. I would be ok with it if he hadn’t claimed multiple times that he never would.

    3. I’m looking forward to Hunter being subpoenaed and being unable to plead the Fifth. :D

    4. Please. Trump pardoned a million people close to him. Hunter was specifically targeted for trial because of who he is. In a different world, Biden would have never of pardoned him. But Trump took all the guard rails off so here we are.

      Biden has served his country his whole life. Lost too many children. Probably does not have more than a decade left, if that. Let him live and retire in peace without the threat of magas targeting his living son.

      1. 10000% to all of this. I think it is relevant that Hunter was targeted politically. Otherwise the case would have been very different.

      2. It makes sense that he’s looking out for his own, but what is he doing with the remainder of his term to look out for us? Harris’s campaign broke Godwin’s law and now there seems to be so little urgency to even limit the potential damage that could be headed our way.

        1. Democrats are confirming as many federal judges as possible before the next administration. It would be nice if Biden would commute the sentences of all federal death row prisoners before the next administration.

    5. I think the double standard was that republicans do stuff like this all the time and democrats never did. Well eff ‘em. Time to use their playbook.

        1. I assumed Biden’s promise not to pardon his son was actually a tell that Harris had agreed to pardon Hunger once elected in exchange for not having to go through the primary process. It’s just more quid-pro-quo.

          1. There was never going to be a primary process for the Democratic nomination in this election.

          2. Why was there never going to be a primary process when Biden promised to be a one term candidate? I should never have trusted him and should never have voted for him. Democrats clearly don’t care what their voters want in primaries or in general.

          4. No. But would we better off or worse off now if Biden had lost in 2020? Maybe Democrats would have woken up and taken this all more seriously.

      3. Do you know what they call people who play by the rules when the other side does not? At some point, I give up holding my side to a “higher” standard when it comes to playing by the rules.

        If Hunter had been found guilty of a violent crime or his prosecution had not so clearly been political, I might feel differently. But f**** it – Donald Trump not only pardoned his son-in-law’s father, but he also just appointed him ambassador to France. Joe Biden gets to keep his only living son out of jail when the only reason that son was prosecuted in the first place was that he was the president’s son. To the extend Hunter deserves to be punished, I feel like he had been when details of his personal life got spread all over the internet.

    6. I’m so glad he did it. Who gives af about being hypocritical, the other side does it every time they breathe.

    7. No. The electorate has just spoken, and said that corruption and cronyism in elected officials aren’t a concern for them. So why should Hunter sit in jail.

      1. This. It’s not hypocritical. There’s no universe where federal charges against at trump child would have gone forward while he was president. In fact the purpose of a trump doj is going to be prosecuting anyone who says anything mildly critical of trump. That’s it. That’s what people wanted and what we’re getting. Literally what’s the point anymore? This country no longer believes in democracy and so we voted for a dictatorship.

      2. Yup. At least he’s not going to be Ambassador to France, fer cryin’ out loud.

    8. Biden needs to commute the death sentences of everyone on federal death row. It is the VERY LEAST he could do.

      1. Sorry but I disagree. The guy who murdered 11 people (and wounded many more) at the Tree of Life Synagogue can be executed as far as I am concerned. Same for the two guys who kidnapped, raped and murdered two women after escaping from prison.

        2. If you want a blood bath, just say that. But I found Trump’s 17 person massacre during his first term to be grotesque.

      2. Agreed, not based on the hideous facts of the offenses, but based on the undeniable unfairness and arbitrary imposition of the death penalty. The acceleration of federal executions at the end of the last Trump administration was grotesque.

        1. Non-sequitur? We are talking about the pardon power. Biden is partially responsible for mass incarceration. He promised to try to end the federal death penalty. We know that Trump went on a
          Murderous rampage during his first term. If you don’t agree with commuting the death sentences, then it’s obvious you were okay with what Trump did.

    9. Nope! I think it’s great. If republicans want to elect a felon, democrats are going to let the president pardon his own son who has been punished enough.

    11. We learned, the hard way, that “when they go low we go high” doesn’t work anymore. I say eff it.

      2. It never worked at all and if the Obama’s had been less concerned about their precious legacies than the future of this country we might not be in this mess.

    12. My own theory re: Hunter Biden it’s all been an effort to get him to relapse/OD/die and that is the one thing that would truly break the president. He’s already lost two children after all.
      Hunter Biden is the Roger Clinton of Billy Carters. Leave the guy be and get on with his screwed up life. Spend some of the money he’d be paying his lawyers on more therapy. The tax stuff would have been a civil matter for any regular person and the weapons charges would never have happened.

      1. When you think about the amount of personal tragedy that Joe Biden has faced, he seems even more remarkable. While I think pardoning Hunter is very hypocritical, I also don’t think Hunter’s a menace to society in any way. The guy clearly has problems.

    13. It’s insanely hypocritical and I’m very disappointed. I still held quite a positive opinion of President Biden because, despite supporting policies I disagreed with, he seemed fairly ethical to me, but this really tarnished that view.

      I don’t compare what he did with what Trump does/did because we all know Trump has no ethics, so it’s not even a valid comparison. I’m just answering in the context of how it has now darkened my view of Biden and his presidency.

      1. The American electorate has shown this is the kind of politics they want. So this is the kind of politics they’re getting.

      2. Any presidential pardon is controversial. Given the acute lawlessness of the incoming administration, it is understandable that President Biden would not trust his last surviving son to the vagaries of the justice system. This is what pardons are for, to temper the harsh consequences of criminal justice with some mercy.

    14. I think it is hypocritical in a very human way. I don’t think he would’ve pardoned him if the plea hadn’t fallen apart, and I am mindful that the man has lost two children already. If I had the power to help a child after losing two others, would I be able to resist? I don’t know. It’s a weighty choice. I view it as maybe the right choice as a father and definitely the wrong choice as a president.

    15. I don’t care at all. I practice in this area, and no one else would have faced criminal charges for this

    16. I do. I can’t realistically see voting for a Democratic national candidate again unless the party does some serious self-examination, and I’m a life long D voter.

      3. This is like finding spiders in your house, and your solution is to burn down the house.

      4. It does feel like we may be worse off now than if we’d lost in 2020. The hardest part is how predictable this outcome was in 2020. I guess it’s what donors wanted in the end.

      5. Because as long as other people die for your principles it’s OK. You were never a democrat.

    17. I mean, it was clearly a political prosecution. Biden could pardon every person who’d ever been convicted of purchasing a gun while being addicted to drugs (with no associated actual crime) and Hunter would be the only person on that list.

      Moreover, Biden’s legacy is sh*t now so why not?

    19. We know you’re not actually a democrat because you said “democrat” instead of “Denocratic” in this sentence, but nice try I guess

      No one cares about hunter biden anymore. None of this matters. Americans all want to be the worst versions of themselves which trump invites them to do so here we are. Go at it.

    21. I’d do the same thing. He’s not running again. He’s probably done with politics. I’d pardon my son too. I think anyone in his position would do the same if they are being honest.

      1. I’d do the same thing too. It would be weird not to look out for one’s own family!

        I don’t know why he had to politicize it in advance by saying he wouldn’t but oh well.

  16. How much money do have accessible that you could get within <1 day? It's an adjustment to me now that most of my savings are in a brokerage and it would take a few days to sell mutual funds and get that money.

    1. How often do you need money within a day? I bought a house this year and had to wire the down payment from our checking account, but pretty much everything else goes on credit cards and gets paid off a month or so later. And the house I obviously had a few weeks notice for. We keep few thousand in checking and 20k or so in high yield savings that can be instantly transferred to checking.

    2. Between various checking & saving accounts, maybe $10k at any given moment? But I don’t ever actually need that much at one time. It sometimes dips to $2k if we have all the big annual bills (auto insurance, winter heating fuel, property tax) hit around the same time.

  17. I am overthinking about a guy. I’m 36. I thought this would end in my early 20s. I have this giddy feeling when we text. Any tips for focusing on work!? Ball is in my court to suggest dinner date #4, I want to wait a couple days to not seem desperate and craft the perfect message. I’m overthinking in a wild way here. And have a real job. Have any of you been through this??

    1. Do as I say and not as I do here, but don’t bother waiting / not wanting to see desperate. We’re in our 30s, I hope we’re all done with the “games” of dating. I find dating in my 30s in many ways better than dating in my 20s because everyone seems direct and unwilling to waste time (there is a biological clock after all…) waiting before calling / planning dates, etc.

      As for feeling giddy when you text – no advice there but enjoy it :)

      1. 10000% agree with this. Do not wait a couple days just for the sake of waiting a couple days. You also do not need to craft a perfect message!

      2. This! You want a relaxed, enjoyable relationship and starting off by playing waiting games with the texting is not the way to make that happen. If he likes you he will be delighted to hear from you, and if he doesn’t, well… that will be useful information.

    3. Lean in! Yes, I have been through this as an adult where I had such a big crush it felt like I was in middle school. Now I’m married to him.

  18. Any recommendations for high-quality, casual mens clothing? I’m trying to come up with gift ideas for my boyfriend. Mostly he just buys himself anything he wants or needs, including clothes, but I was thinking of getting him something extra nice that he wouldn’t get himself.
    Otherwise an activity or experience for us to do together might also be good.

    3. Agree with the Mizen and Main suggestion, especially for tech fabric pants and golf shirts. For athleisure (including casual warm jackets and hats), check out Rhone, they have some good sales. My husband also likes shirts/shackets and sweaters from Octobre (Sezane’s men’s store). For cashmere sweaters, check out Nadaam.

    7. American Giant hoodies are amazing if you’re looking for casual casual. For something a little nicer, the Westerly sweater at Pendleton (famously worn by the Dude in Big Lebowski) is fantastic and on sale today.

  19. Tech issues so far-
    -My name and email are not saving despite clicking to do so
    -Comment count below each post is inaccurate (not sure if 2nd level replies are showing at all?)
    -To start a new thread after reading current comments, you have to scroll all the way back up to the top
    -Reply button on comments being at the top of the box, not bottom, is inconvenient given the length of many comments

    1. Adding, my name and email only save during one browser session, not if I close the window and come back

      Edit button has disappeared

      Replies to replies are definitely not showing; just tried to post one above

      1. Also super annoying that after you post a comment you are back to the top of the page with all comments collapsed. (iPad)

    2. Also having all of these issues. And there’s way too much white space, I’m getting carpal tunnel from scrolling.

    3. The replies do not seem to be indenting properly. E.g., I replied to a response in the dating thread above, and my comment did not indent at all, so you cannot tell that my comment was in reply to another comment to OP’s post.

    4. Seconding all of these. Also, it’s really annoying that after submitting a comment, it doesn’t bring you to your comment.

      1. +1, it’s more scrolling than before anyway, and then to “lose your place” after commenting is really bad.

        1. +2
          Do not like having to scroll through the whole thread to find my comment that I just posted.

    5. Will this horrible update ever end? Way too much white space. Can’t start threads. Expand and collapse not working. This is like a vintage blog

      1. that’s a bit over the top, given that the update began just before Thanksgiving weekend.

      2. Impressed with how quickly Kat and team are responding and addressing the feedback. I see the expand/collapse button is back and the upvote is gone!

    6. I also really dislike not having a way to jump to the next post after scrolling to the bottom of the comments. Can we please bring that back?

      Also, the sale listings are so long now. Any chance we could collapse those?

  20. should i buy myself an LED face mask today? I’m 39.5 and trying to work on my skin. thoughts on whether they are effective?

    2. Yes. I have loved the results of my LED mask. I try to use it every night. You have to be consistent.

      1. Are there negative side effects of these masks? I know LED isn’t the same as sunlight, but I worry about wrinkles and cancer.

        1. I am not a doctor, but from what I have read, there is no indication that red light causes cancer.

    3. I read something this weekend that said that LED/red light therapy works only if consumed in significant volumes (hours upon hours). Otherwise, like a lot of trendy skincare recs and brands, it’s woo. I can’t find my source so take with a grain of salt I suppose because I’m just one anonymous internet stranger, but it was from a quote dermatologist who used to work for a skincare company and left because of a lot of the non-scientifically backed pushing of products, etc.

      1. do you have it? anyone know if these things are linked to increase in cancer or some other condition i should be wary of? this is the one i’m considering

  21. My 72-year old mother is refusing to get hearing aids. We have been trying to talk to her about getting hearing aids for a couple years now but the topic seems to make her emotional and she gets angry. She is self-conscious about her age and thinks they will be visible, even though we have told her that the new models aren’t visible. We have also told her about people we know who are much younger than her and have hearing aids. We have told her about the risk of dementia if hearing loss is not addressed. It’s frustrating and exhausting for us to have to repeat everything 2 or 3 times. We talked about going on a short last-minute mother-daughter trip for my birthday in January, but now I don’t think I want to travel with her. It won’t be a very enjoyable experience for me. I won’t keep her from her grandson or anything, but I need some space from her right now. It’s hard to watch her cognitive decline when there is a simple solution.

    1. It took my dad 20 years to get hearing aids so I sympathize. There’s really nothing you can do. Do you know her doctor? Is it possible she would listen to her GP?

    2. This sounds like my dad (age 75). He isn’t budging. At some point, you have to accept that they are going to make those decisions as they see fit.

    3. I am nearly your mother’s age. If my adult child were to indicate that they did not want to spend time with me because of frustration in having to repeat everything, that would register with me big time.

      1. is there anything else you’d suggest? We’re having this issue with my MIL. Like she’ll ask a question, we’ll start answering, and she’ll literally walk away or interrupt with a totally unrelated thing because – our guess is – she doesn’t realize we’re talking. Yes, we’ve told her it is harder to spend time and communicate with her. She’s also prone to monologuing and telling stories from the past, probably because she doesn’t have to actually react to people when doing so.

    4. Hearing loss is correlated with developing dementia, and hearing aids can mitigate that risk. Would knowing this motivate your mother to try hearing aids?

    5. If it’s any comfort to your mom, my mother had them for a year before she told me she had them (I had not noticed a hearing decline, but she had). They’re so small I did not see them.

    6. I’ve said this before, but just get her the new AirPods if she is reasonably tech savvy. She can do it on her own time and slowly explore how much she is missing. Parent is now 100% more open to considering getting a hearing aide now.

    7. Honestly if it were my parent, I’d have a heart to heart via email or text. I’d make it very clear that I see refusing to even try to hear me as a huge middle finger to our relationship. I’m not a perfect parent but I can’t fathom the vanity of choosing not feeling older over being able to talk to my kids. Good grief it’s so selfish and wrong.

    8. I have somebody in my life who is like this. One thing I plan to try is “Dude, everybody can tell that you can’t hear properly, and not being able to hear makes you seem about a thousand times older than having tiny little hearing aids.”

      Good luck. This is hard!

      1. This is so true. A great tactic when vanity is the issue.

        My Dad was resistant, but when he heard about the dementia correlation then that gave him pause. And then when Costco was an option for buying them (and so convenient for return visits/adjustments etc..), he was sold.

        I mean, I don’t know a 72 year old who doesn’t love Costco.

    9. My husband, early 60’s, just got hearing aids. He looks younger than his age. When we see older relatives balking at getting hearing aids, I point out my husband. You can barely notice them, they look like they’re part of his glasses . And they relax a bit when they see that a younger person has them.

    10. My husband, a physician who is in his early 50s, has had his practically invisible hearing aids for two years. He has some minor hearing loss related to a previous occupation.
      They have been life-changing even with his relatively minor symptoms at this point. We call them his “listening ears.” I hope for the sake of her long-term health, that your mom reconsiders. I know others have suggested airpods but the new hearing aids are truly almost undetectable, unlike the airpods.

    11. I learned a long time ago I can’t make my parents do anything they don’t want to do, even if it is so obviously logical. They’re still people with autonomy.

    1. I feel like there were better deals a week ago than on actual Black Friday or Cyber Monday, and for clothes, there were more sizes and colors in stock. I recently moved to a cold climate and bought a house, so I’ve been stocking up on desperately needed winter gear. I got some pretty good deals on boots and winter shoes on Amazon, fleece tights from Athleta, a jacket and pants and a doormat from LL Bean, more pants from Duluth Trading Company, and a washer and dryer from a local appliance store. Also cat litter and pea milk at excellent prices.

    2. A few LEGO sets for my nephew. I’ll also see if any of my regular purchases are discounted but I’m trying to curb my overall consumption.

    4. The retailers have figured out how to create the illusions of deals without actually having to provide a deal, so nothing.

      1. Agreed. I was monitoring the price on a few things I have been wanting and they either hiked up the price then applied a discount, or are applying ridiculously sad discounts (7% off!) on things that are already overpriced. I will buy the things I really want/need full price and am sick of tracking sales.

      2. Yes, the places I like to shop (like J Crew) have sales all the time! You don’t need to wait for Black Friday.

    6. Nothing. Labor Day sales were quite good and I am not interested in shopping just for shopping’s sake at this point.

      The few things I had in my various online carts actually increased in price overnight.

    7. Nothing, for once I did all my Christmas shopping on black friday. It feels weird to be done.

    8. A bathing suit from Title Nine and some gear from Oiselle. I have been monitoring those prices for a while and the discounts are real.

      I also bought a couch over the long weekend, again, monitoring prices for a couple of months and the price was about $300 less than anything I had seen before.

      Everything else? It’s mostly fake “discounts.”

    10. I’m looking at an Away Medium but it’s not a NEED need. I have a gigantic suitcase, medium size rolling duffle and a Away carry-on. I’d like a Medium hard-sided clam shell suitcase but post-christmas sales will probably be the same. I can’t seem to convince myself to purchase.

    11. I’ve been making purchases this week that I’d make if it wasn’t sales season.

      Birthday gift to myself:
      1 black lug sole boots from All saints
      2 a shoulder bag Ive been eyeing

      A favorite long sleeve in 2 other colors
      Replacement lounge/sleep shirt for one thats gotten ragged

      Christmas gifts for parents that I spotted in store in friday and bought online this morning

    12. A ring from Bario Neal. Their Black Friday sale is one of the few times they have a site-wide sale.

  23. I’m looking for feedback on the Cuyana double loop satchel for work. I really like the look of it but I am wondering if its hard to get things in and out of it because of the way the loops go across the top.

    I have a Lo and Son’s backpack that I use for commuting to my office and I want to buy a nicer looking bag that I will use for trials (federal court), and meetings.

  24. I was the poster a few months ago who asked for help on cutting down on my half and half consumption due to my doctor’s recommendation. Happy to reply that I found a solution!

    I ordered a Nespresso a few weeks later, so I have switched from drip coffee to espresso based drinks for about 90% of my coffee consumption. I now use 2% milk to make a latte with the Nespresso – honestly probably the same “volume” of milk as half and half, but a different drink and much better for my heart.

    I was originally worried about the cost of a Nespresso, but it hasn’t been bad! I bought the machine on Marketplace for half price and pods are much, much cheaper than I thought (like $0.20-.50 a pod… I had been under the impression it was closer to $1). I also never buy a latte from the coffee shop, which I used to do a few times a week, so I’m saving probably $10-15/week on that! With all of that, the machine paid for itself in about 6 weeks. I also save money because now I only have to buy milk, instead of milk + half and half (and yes I use more milk, but not so much more that negates not buying half and half).

    1. Whatever. The Trump era has shown me that it doesn’t matter — Trump will do what he wants, and people will let him. Biden will do what he wants, and it changes nothing.

      I’m done thinking that these things matter to anyone, except for stoking the endless outrage machine. Which also, incidentally, doesn’t matter.

      2. What crazy double-standard are you holding Biden to (and not the incoming president)? Does Trump get a pass because we don’t expect more of him? Sheesh!

        1. Who is getting a pass? I expected Biden to keep Trump out of office and to prioritize this over running again, like he said he would.

    3. I’m a lifelong democrat and I’m disappointed. As a parent, I would have done the same, but I’m not president.

      1. Well, he is a parent, and this investigation and prosecution was so outside the norm that it isn’t clear what ivory tower principle might be supported by letting his son twist in the wind, vulnerable to whatever crazy norm-busting actions the incoming administration was planning. Trump is to blame; just let it go.

    5. Trump raped a woman. Amazing. Trump pardoned Jonathan Braun who was a drug dealer who beat his wife. Amazing. But this is all fine by you, right?

  26. I’m barely 6 weeks pg and oh my lord why am I so bloated already??? All those times my period was a day or two late and I freaked out thinking I might be pg, well I need not have worried. It is un-freaking-mistakable. My clothes are already tight. My winter coat barely zips. I’ve only gained 2 lbs even with the holiday – which might actually be a record low for me. I didn’t overeat as much as I usually do. I’m not nauseas but I don’t have much of an appetite. How is this possible? What is going on here?? Also I’m burping and tooting so much I have to leave my office door closed. DH is following me around with a little jingle he’s invented, TOOT squeak TOOT squeak. Please tell me it gets better.

    1. Congratulations! It gets better after the baby is born. What is going on is you are growing an entire human in your abdomen – think of it like a succubus. Hormones are really powerful. Buckle up and try to let go of expectations.

    2. If it makes you feel any better, I instantly showed with both of my kids. Hormonal changes have big effects on your body.

    3. This was standard for me. Strangers asked me about my pregnancy starting at 7 weeks because I showed so much.

    4. Any chance you could be really, really constipated?

      Drink a LOT of water. Have a cup of coffee. Go for a power walk or a run (exercise increases peristalsis).

      Regarding any pregnancy hormone issue: again, exercise. It really does help modulate the hormonal spikes and will help you feel less awful during the third trimester.

      1. Not currently! I was for a few days but I took a doctor-approved softener and it did the trick. I’ve been taking my fiber gummies religiously since then.

    5. My understanding is that one’s digestive track slows down dramatically, even in very early pregnancy, to give the body more time to maximize nutrient absorption from food. For many, this leads to gassiness, bloating, and diminished appetite. It was certainly true for me. I was so, so burpy during pregnancy. Not going to solve the problem, but hopefully it’s comfort that this is very normal.
      And congratulations. Crossing my fingers on your behalf that the nausea stays at bay.

    6. I always knew I was pregnant within a very few weeks because my waist would just blow up. And I cried, good lord I cried. Between the two it was always certain knowledge.

        1. As a former mom who doesn’t read the mom’s page — I mean, my children are grown — I enjoy these posts. Although I hated being pregnant, I did enjoy showing immediately and couldn’t wait to get into maternity clothes. Just one of the many ways that every pregnancy is different. You will probably find a way to come to terms with whatever your current uncomfortable symptom is, and one thing is, they do change, so you’re probably not stuck in the current one.

          I had never known what heartburn was before being pregnant, nor had bought any of those remedies advertised on television — the pink one, the white one? The minty ones in a roll? Maybe those will help?

  27. I am begrudgingly going to try letting myself go gray. This isn’t a statement of any kind about natural beauty. The truth is, hair dye is irritating the heck out of my scalp. My stylist uses permanent dye to cover the gray, and my scalp is rebelling every time. After this last round, I have decided that’s enough discomfort and it’s time to call it. (It’s been a week, and my scalp is still itchy AF. Send product recommendations, please.)

    If I go the cold turkey route, any tips for making the process more bearable? I have been dyeing my hair a medium brunette shade, with light highlights, and my roots are visible after 2-3 weeks anyway. I don’t feel like I’m in the right frame of mind to do this, but I also have very little tolerance for making myself suffer for beauty.

    I’m hopeful that since I have pink-toned skin and blue eyes, the eventual result will be pretty and flattering. But, that’s going to take some time. I’m in my mid-40s and will undoubtedly look older than my peers, which is going to be a real bummer.

    1. This isn’t exactly what you’re asking, but have you tried a different dye (or hair dresser) or something like balyage that doesn’t have to touch your scalp?

    2. My mom is similarly allergic to dye and now uses henna. There are organic hippy salons that use henna or it’s pretty easy to DIY. No advice on going grey, good luck with whatever avenue you take.

    3. Is it possible for your stylist to try a different kind of dye? Not sure if something more natural would be less irritating.

      Since roots are coming in fast anyways, could something “semi-permanent” be an option?

      1. She stopped using semi-permanent on me several years ago because it wasn’t holding to the gray. I could ask her if there are other options, but I think the days of having my brown base color may be done.

    4. If you do want to continue dying your hair, check out an Aveda salon. Their dyes are gentler and contain less irritants than others.

    5. I did this a few years ago, and here is what worked. First, get advice from your stylist, they’ve likely done this for other clients already. My stylist used a product on my hair lengths that “broke up the color” from my brown dye. I believe we did this twice. We also put blonde low lights in the front a few times. I liked it in a “this is different way” but it’s probably not necessary. I trimmed my hair regularly, but left it shoulder length because I hate short hair. Keeping it trimmed removed the darker ends. I also kept it well conditioned, one of the benefits of not dying your hair is that it will become very healthy. It really ain’t as bad as I feared, and I’m not sure anyone really noticed. I’m quite happy with my gray and dark brown hair now.

    6. I went silver during the pandemic. Tons of compliments. Make sure your hair is groomed and follow people who’ve embraced their greys on insta or wherever.

    7. Goldwell works very well with my sensitive scalp and I’m white at this point. I recommend trying that at one of the salons on their website.

  28. I bought a pair of sandals with an ankle strap I love but I have chonky ankles and I can barely do up the straps. Can a cobbler replace the strap or is there some DIY hack I’m not thinking of? Or should I just return them?

    1. Can you punch another hole in the strap? You can get a little leather punch tool. I’ve used mine to add new holes in shoe straps.

    2. A cobbler may be able to a small piece of elastic at either end of the strap, and possibly both.

  29. I’m thinking about buying basic gold huggie earrings from either Mejuri or Quince. Has anyone bought jewelry from either Quince or Mejuri and can attest to the quality?

    1. My husband bought me a pair of small gold hoops from Mejuri last Christmas and they look great and have held up very well to almost daily wear.

    2. I have a pair of small Mejuri huggies that I wear all the time (shower, sleep, etc. My default is wearing them, and I change them out just for special occasions). They are good quality. One clasp did start to get a little loose after about 18 months of constant wear, but Mejuri sells single replacements and the replacement is still going strong after at least that long

    4. I have a basic tiny pair from Mejuri that I wear in my second holes and have been very happy with them.

  30. I have a crush on a coworker that I cannot shake – but we also don’t like each other. My friends are convinced its the classic “enemies to lovers” trope, but I’m not convinced. He’s also very much not my type personality wise (hence the enemies part) but he is quite attractive and has a good heart.

    If anyone has had an enemies to lovers relationship themselves or has dated someone who on paper they wouldn’t get along with, my day dreams would love to hear more

      1. I don’t know about this; there’s a lot of opposites attract in real life as long as a lot of rivalry to romance.

      2. Not enemies to lovers, but I disliked most of my friends when I first met them. We all have strong personalities, and as those of us with strong personalities know, we usually initially clash with other strong personalities. Now I’d give my life for these women, but none of us liked each other at first.

        I could totally see something similar happening with a potential romantic partner too.

      4. Enemies is way overstating it, but was just identifying the trope by its common name. More like we both roll our eyes at each other in a kinda joking kinda not joking way, on a work project I think he’s too laid back about issue A and he thinks I’m too worked up about issue A even though we both care about resolving issue A, we bicker and tease each other about stuff but no one can tell if its in a flirty or a friendly or an ‘I’m annoyed at you’ way.

    2. Can’t speak for the romance portion, but my best friend and I strongly disliked each other for the first 2 years of knowing each other. And now we get on like a house on fire. Turns out we have similar root issues that we deal with in very different ways, so we superficially look like opposites. We didn’t start getting along until we had to spend 3+ hours a week in close proximity to each other and work together, those first two years we were casual acquaintances, friends of friends that kept running into each other.
      Anyway, she’s hilarious and sometimes reminds me of Miss Piggy in the best way and she’s good at so many things that I am not. We love late night frosty and fries runs.

    3. What’s his personality? And what’s he doing that gets on your nerves/creates conflict?

      Do you somehow have chemistry? I once read that “sometimes chemistry is the sickest part of yourself responding to the sickest part of someone else” (for example, a mutual need to heal the parent-child relationship through an age-gap relationship). I think about this a lot.

      2. I have a comment in mod that enemies is overkill, but I used that term because it’s the trope term.

        So, we work together in a helping profession. I am very dedicated to the mission, have scarified a lot for it and all but even so my personality is still the “snarky city girl who wears all black” and while I don’t make a ton (and am okay with that bc helping profession and I love the mission), I am still a bit materialistic whereas he is much more earnest, is okay with much more crap that our work throws at us bc the mission, and is like we shouldn’t shop for fun because overconsumption is a huge problem (and I don’t disagree, but also I love pretty things). We were on a work trip and I’d forgotten a travel mug so I ran to Target to get one whereas his suggestion was to get one from Goodwill so as to not contribute to overconsumption.

        On the work trip he opted out of a team dinner (actually optional, just for fun) to go hike – I love to hike too, but I love grabbing a beer with friends more and it’s more important to me to follow the norms and do the team dinner than it is to do something I’d rather do.

        We both grew up in very wealthy towns and did not take the conventional path and are glad and proud of the fact that we didn’t (even though our alternative isn’t that out there) but even so my approach is to be much more under the radar about that than his.

        So like, he’s probably a better person than I am, but also is he annoying about it? I don’t think he’s trying to be annoying about it, but does it annoy me at times? Would it be “too out there” among my family and friend circles?

        On the flip side, one of the reasons I broke up with my Ex is that he worked for MBB and loved capitalism and saw nothing wrong with doing questionable things to make lots of money and didn’t care about climate change and it was a point of conflict for us and now we are not together.

        Chemistry is good – we work together well and there’s lots of good natured ribbing of each other.

        1. You find him bothersome because he hikes and thrifts? Girl leave him alone so he can find an actual environmentalist to date who will love his ethics.

        2. This doesn’t sound bad at all. You can buy the used bottle and he can learn to appreciate some fine brand new item lol. You can have your wedding gown made from antique lace or something. Maybe to stoke your daydreams you would like the novel Book Lovers by Emily Henry.

        3. You sound like you’d be annoyed with him constantly if you were in a relationship.

        4. I honestly can’t imagine having any feelings whatsoever about a coworker skipping something optional, especially on a work trip. I always need exercise AND alone time on work trips with colleagues.

        5. It was more that he was definitely judging me for choosing Target over the thrift store (and I’d say half of my clothes are thrifted, I’m not anti thrift) and I was annoyed by that. Idgaf where he gets his mugs from. I’m pretty bleeding heart, but I’m also pragmatic about my beliefs, while he’s much more of an idealist – is that a good thing or an annoying thing?

          He felt like he was held back from a promotion and maybe it’s because you skipped the team dinner to hike. Even if we’re not in a corporate environment, you still have to play the game.

          1. Did he tell you he was judging you or did you get anoyed about private thoughts in his own head? (‘sensing’, ‘getting the impression’ or ‘reading between the lines’ don’t count).

          2. Nothing you’re talking about is about his character or even really his personality.

            I’m struck that you describe yourself as still being the snarky girl who wears all black. Is it possible you’ve made a personality out of being oppositional or an outsider (“I’m not like THEM”)? If so, perhaps you are both attracted to his earnestness and also want to dismantle it/kick it in the teeth because you have built an identity out of being snarky?

          3. My comment about all black/being snarky was more that I’m not the super kind, sweet, earnest bleeding heart that some in my field are – I care a lot, I work hard, I mostly make good choices but like I’m never going to become a vegetarian even though that’s the nicer / greener / more ethical thing to do because life is too short to give up steak. I’m actually much more of a conformist that this guy – his being “not like the others” is something I rag on him for

        6. Both of you sound exhausting in the same way to me, haha, which means you might be perfect for each other!

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