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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tilolah Seamed Bodycon Dress

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A woman with long black hair wearing a black sleeveless dress and black heels and carrying a clutch purse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The cut of this Ted Baker dress is unusual, but absolutely stunning. I’m not usually drawn to sleeveless dresses, but I'm willing to make an exception here.

I would wear this with a Chanel-style tweed jacket for a classic business-formal look or without a topper for an after-work networking event.

The dress is $295 at Bloomingdales and comes in sizes 0–12. It also comes in white.

A more affordable alternative is from White House Black Market; it's $130 and available in sizes 00–14.

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322 Comments

  1. I made a Marcella Hazan sauce in a LeCreuset pot last night and felt v. fancy. Sauce was delicious. IIRC I read about it first on the moms site, but dang, that stuff is great. And by “made,” I mean bought the ingredients and paid for the stove and the utilities and otherwise, it pretty much cooked itself. Gifted immersion blender pulverized the tomatoes after trying to do it with a spoon (1) was messy and (2) required some clean-up.

    1. I always keep a big can of tomatoes, butter and onion on hand for just this recipe. It’s great for when I need lunches for a few days but don’t feel like cooking. Tilt the pot a little so the immersion blender is fully immersed and you can prevent splatter. For cleaning the blender itself, put some soap and water in the cup the blender came with or the pot you cooked in, then run the blender in the soapy water.

      1. Yes! Kicking myself for not bringing in some for lunch b/c I’ve just been eating crackers all morning and this would be so much better.

    3. It’s so good. I learned of it here, and when I made it, my Italian American husband was happy because it was one of the sauces his grandma would make. (I don’t know why he never made it; he cooks quite a lot and is a better cook than me!)

    1. For whatever reason, my feet get really stinky in the Dansko sandals that I own, and I am not at all a stinky feet person. I do not have this issue at all in any of my Dansko clogs, and yes, I wear those without socks, also.

  3. I have not purse shopped in years (and always at Target or Kmart). Looking for help choosing a purse that can hopefully last for years, but is fairly small. I need it to hold
    – a large key ring (8+ keys)
    – two iPhones
    – a small credit card holder/wallet
    – sunglass case
    – pen, maybe a small pill holder, and work lanyard+badge

    Pre pandemic I carried a cross body everywhere. Now, I don’t like the feeling of something on my chest and don’t like the long strap on one shoulder. I’m leaning towards a handbag or maybe a handle big enough I can slide it up my wrist a bit. I drive to work. I have a couple cheap clutches with wrist straps but they don’t hold all the above list and I never have enough pockets.

    I don’t like logos, hate it when purse handles crack (see Target/Kmart), would prefer to purchase and carry this for several years. I am not sure what color but I am open. Budget – realistically, I’ve probably spent up to $50 in my life, but I’m open to up to $300-400 if the quality will last. Help?

    1. Hobo style. Nestles beautifully under the arm. Cuyana has some, I believe.

      No brands to recommend, as mine are from 2003 (Gap/Limited Too RIP).

    2. I feel like AllSaints makes bags with excellent style and quality for the $. I like to think MZ Wallace, but it seems spendy for fabric. AllSaints.

      1. MZ Wallace is definitely spendy for the money, but I grab my MZ Wallace bag over and over again. It’s so light and it looks nice.

    3. It’s been a while since I’ve bought a purse (I haven’t even carried one once since the pandemic started), but for relatively affordable but still durable, I’ve been happy with the ones I’ve gotten from Fossil.

    4. Quince? No suggestions on style as I have a crossbody, but I have only ever had $30 Target purses but bought a $90 one from Quince

    5. I have a friend that swears by Madwell bags for lasting a long time. They tend to have more cross body totes than traditional handbags, but I think their options fit the bill on most of your other items including cost.

      1. +1 to Madewell. I have a (secondhand) leather tote from them and it’s fantastic thick quality leather.

        I believe they have a small tote that may work for you? Or a camera type bag?

    6. I may be like you. I don’t like logos or purses and always carry a wristlet for Iphone and essentials. BUT, I have invested in beautiful leather totes for business purposes – in sales so these bags would travel to meetings and conferences and get wear and tear, and eventually get replaced. This year, I reevaluated and switched to the Baggalini brand for functionality/durability/price/ease of maintance. I am very happy with Baggalini Avenue Tote in black nylon, comes in many colors.

    9. I would lean hard into a leather purse for longevity. Take a look at coach purses on ebay and see what you can find. I bought a vintage, all brown leather coach bucket bag a few years ago and love it.

      Another suggestion – I haven’t purchased them, but i get stalked by the “cupholder” purses on Instagr*m and would live to try one out! I think they care called glass ladder.

    10. I have satchel bags from both Coach outlet and Coach full-price stores and they’re great and would hold everything you want. They also have both straps to wear in the crook of your arm/carry, and also a removable shoulder strap that can be worn crossbody if your arms get tired.

    11. Try the Numero Dix from Polene. I have the Polene Beri and absolutely love it, but I use it mostly as a crossbody. The Dix is more of a hobo under the shoulder shape.

      Polene makes beautiful leather bags. Mine is high-quality and I get tons of compliments on it. I really love the brand.

    12. Vera Bradley Microfiber mini bag in a plain color (unless you like patterns). Bonus – its washable.

  4. I’m going to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction in a couple weeks. Any tips to prepare beforehand or for recovery? I’m married so DH will be there to help me and take care of household stuff.

    2. I’m also having surgery in a few weeks! Good luck to you, and I’m wishing you a speedy recovery. A few things I’m trying to do:
      – Loading up my Kindle with all the books (assuming I have the energy to read them)
      – Picking out a few comfy outfits and putting them in one spot so I don’t have to think about it
      – Stocking up on stool softeners and other comfort items
      – Trying to get caught up at work without freaking out
      – Prepping a few comfort food items to freeze and have on hand for later (I’m not going crazy, though.)
      – Making sure my garden is in tip-top shape because that is the last thing DH is going to have time to maintain

      1. I agree about Kindle but perhaps load some audiobooks or podcasts on phone or tablet, in case you don’t have the energy to read. Also put xfinity app on tablet to watch TV if there is no TV in your bedroom (or for portability).

    3. I had a mastectomy three years ago and my implant swap about two years ago, following radiation. It was hard, but actually not as hard as I feared. Beforehand, I’d get a recliner if you don’t have one, as it was clutch for post-surgery sleeping. Wedge pillows are nice when you can move to a bed, but you could probably just prop up multiple ones if you don’t want to spend the money. Get a long charger cord, as you’re kind of t-rex for a few weeks and don’t have the range of reaching you normally do. I loved a travel neck pillow, as I’m not normally a back sleeper and that helped me feel more comfortable at night. If you have your hair (I did), get dry shampoo and/or plan a blow out or two, as you likely will go three weeks or so without a shower.

      The first two weeks are the worst, but as soon as you’re getting your drains out, the recovery is much faster. I was back at the gym on a recumbent bike at about 4 weeks and back at work at about 5. Plan for a full 6 off though – don’t rush yourself.

      If you want to post a burner email, I’m happy to reach out with more info. I had so many fabulous ladies share tips with me beforehand. It’s a crappy sisterhood, but we all want to give back and help.

      1. Second the recommendation for a recliner. Depending on where you live, you may be able to rent one.

    4. Good luck! I had this 7 years ago. I would purchase some cozy button down tops/zip sweatshirts because you won’t be able to lift your arms. Comfy pull up pants. You’ll need a little pillow for the car home to protect your chest from the seatbelt. Make sure your bed has a bunch of different pillow, in different sizes (I like the roll pillow for under my arms). Your partner will have to bathe/shower/wash your hair for you so prepare them for that. Prepare easy stuff to read/watch.

    5. I’m sorry to hear that.
      If you can I would strongly recommend getting someone in to help for the first few days. I couldn’t even sit up by myself. Also, you will have drains with little bulbs on the end. The drained fluid will have to be measured, logged and emptied out several times a day. You will need help bathing. It was a lot for my husband to do although he was a superstar.
      Buy shirts that button down the front and are roomy to fit the drains. Would recommend audio books over kindle. Your arms won’t want to hold anything up and you’ll be zoning in and out on pain meds anyway.
      Good luck!

  5. Are there any good consignment clothing stores in Manhattan? I’m visiting NYC next week. Not looking for the luxury / designer goods so much as nicer store brands at Target prices. Thank you!

    1. Housing Works is a solid choice and has multiple locations. Buffalo Exchange is hit or miss in my experience but I’ve gotten a couple really good deals on silk tops. Also worth checking Goodwill for your specific ask.

    2. I can second Housing Works – near Spring street. Mix of store brands and vintage. The Goodwill on the Upper East Side and on 8th Street sometimes have a good selection/hit or miss. I’ve never enjoyed Buffalo Exchange – tends to lean toward the very trendy.

    3. As a longtime NYC resident IMO it’s hard to get good bargains on used clothes here. There are always people with more time, less money, and a better eye than you who have picked over the racks before you got there. :) That said, I do pop into Beacon’s Closet when I walk by one.

    4. Tokio7 on E 7th and 1st Ave. Haven’t been there since the pandemic started so YMMV. I have scored some great finds there (and some duds of course). Housing Works on UWS is really good for housewares.

    1. Some people here have, but you stole my question. I’m meeting with my PCP on Friday for my (few years belated) annual physical. I have PCOS and I’m coming off of a grueling 3-year fight with fertility treatments that I just abandoned and left me with a ton of extra weight. I just joined WW and I’m feeling good, but curious if this is something I should bring up / investigate further. I’m also on the hunt for a new PCP because my current one is very passive. I’ll be seeing her Friday and I don’t foresee her bringing this up on her own so I’d like to go in armed with info, even if anecdotal.

    2. I haven’t tried it. I’ve heard really good things re. efficacy. I haven’t looked into the risk/reward analysis much. I think of GLP-1 receptor agonists as having some pretty serious potential risks when used for diabetes, but that’s long term use (and of course the risk/reward calculus still favors them for many people). So I wonder whether short term use lowers the odds of encountering adverse effects (or again if a risk/reward calculus favors them anyway).

      I would probably try Contrave first.

      1. I tried Wellbutrin which I understand is part of contrave and unfortunately it does not agree with my liver.

    3. My sister uses it, loves it, and has lost significant weight without side effects. It has curbed her appetite in a really dramatic way.

    4. I am very interested in it, but unfortunately, you can’t start it now. There have been massive supply issues so the company stopped selling the lower doses so that people currently on it are still able to get the higher doses without being crowded out by new market entrants. I’m definitely watching with interest though for when they bring back the intro doses!

      1. late add. 9 years of fertility treatments. added 70 pounds and blew out my thyroid.

        lots os pukey ness at start, feel great now. started feb and now lost 50 pounds.

        there are similar meds not in hold.

    5. I take Ozempic, which is the same thing but branded for blood sugar control/insulin resistance. Life changing – I spent two years in a doctor-lead weight management program eating 1300-1500 calories a day and exercising 3x a week. In those two years I lost a whopping 4 pounds, three of them in the first 2 weeks.

      I added Ozempic and am now losing a pound a week, with no other changes in my diet or exercise. Down nearly 15% of my body weight since March. It’s also reduced my chronic inflammation, and I have fewer IBS episodes than previously.

  7. Awkward work situation: I work as a generalist associate in a consulting company. After some time as a generalist, the company wants you to join a group within the company to formally specialize. We were told to list several groups we’d be interested in joining and that it didn’t matter how much prior experience we had with each group.

    So I listed my groups and sent to HR. Then I was accidentally copied on an email thread where one of the group leads was telling HR how much their team preferred some other associates who had experience with the team and didn’t want me (as well as one of my friends) to join the group. There were some pretty unprofessional statements in there – like how my friend and I aren’t any better than new hires.

    So… how should I respond to this accidental email thread and should I tell my friend that this group doesn’t want her either?

    1. You should not respond to the email and not tell your friend. I’m sorry, this sucks, but try not to take it personally. Sounds like they just think you don’t have enough experience, not that they don’t want you because of who you are.

      1. I agree with this. But if you like the work of those groups, you should reach out to your supervisor or a trusted mentor and ask for an assessment of your skills. If the idea is that you generalize while you hone your skills, but yours aren’t at the point where you’re an asset to a specialty team, then you should be seeking out ways to make sure that you are set up to succeed (in this company or another).

    3. Delete, vent to non-work friends about it over drinks and move on. It sucks, is unprofessional and hurtful, but not the end of the world.

    4. I am an attorney and had something similar happen with a client many years ago–I was copied on an email thread and, deep within the thread, there was the statement–from the client’s CEO, “I don’t like Suzy,” with me being Suzy. To be fair, I didn’t like him, either, but I let the parties figure out themselves that someone had messed up. The culprit apologized via email. I agonized over what I had done to incur the CEO’s dislike, since I worked almost exclusively with his reports, and never with him, and did not come up with anything. And 20 years later, they are still my client. He’s still the CEO. I still do not know why he didn’t (doesn’t) like me. All that to say–I would let it go. If the lead doesn’t have any experience with you (like my CEO), his opinion is not worth agonizing over.

      1. I’m also a lawyer and had something similar, with the CEO saying « [Firm] is such a waste of time and money, and what’s with that Emma girl, isn’t she barely out of law school? What does she know? ». I messaged my direct contact, not the whole chain, and said hi, I don’t think I should be on this thread. He apologized, the deal closed and our bill was paid in full, no one ever mentioned it again and as far as I know they are still clients of my former firm. OP, this sucks and you can casually mention it to someone, but try not to take it too personally.

    6. I’d reply to that email chain with a brief, “I rescind my request to work with this group; I’d prefer Groups A and B instead.”

    7. Don’t respond. If they mention it to you say “it’s already forgotten” and then try to work with people who value your work. I would let your friend know personally since I’d want to know but I’d do it offline verbally.

    8. I don’t see any reason to tell your friend. Why make her feel bad too? She’ll get assigned to a group that is a better fit.

      I would probably feel bad about seeing that group leader’s email too – rejection always stings- but the sample statement you provided doesn’t strike me as unprofessional. From that group leader’s perspective, they would be starting from scratch with you. Was it necessary to include it in the email to HR? No, not really, but I would chalk this up to “their loss” and move on. I’m sure you’ll make a great team member wherever you do land.

      I would probably ignore the email entirely. At most, I would reply directly to the group leader with something like, “I don’t think you meant to include me. Please drop me from this chain going forward.”

    9. I’d give your friend a verbal heads up, but the statement you mention doesn’t sound awful unless you actually *are* experienced in the group in question. Sounds like the company line of “doesn’t matter if you’re not that experienced” doesn’t actually hold up in practice, which isn’t surprising to me.

    10. I don’t think those statements are inherently unprofessional. I think what was unprofessional, though apparently accidental, was you getting copied. Also unprofessional/unhelpful, though common in many work places, is if you are due some feedback about performance/areas to improve that maybe they haven’t delivered to you.

      I wouldn’t take it personally and I wouldn’t respond. Someone will recognize the error and hopefully approach you but I don’t think you can do anything at this point proactively. Maybe, just maybe, if you talk to HR about this you can express (low key) disappointment/constructive feedback that clearly there was priority given to people with experience and you might have taken that in to consideration while gaining experience prior to having to select a specialty. So for future rotations/generalists, maybe they alter the messaging. I wouldn’t go out of my way to deliver this message, but if you do find yourself in a setting where you can offer any feedback, that might be it.

    11. I think there are two things here. First, were they really unprofessional? The way I read your question, you selected a group or two you had never worked in before. So, that group doesn’t know you or your work product and they will need to train you the same way they’d need to train a new hire. That doesn’t jump out at me as unprofessional, you are a new hire to them! Given the choice between an associate they’ve worked with and liked and an associate they’ve never worked with and will have to train from scratch, they prefer the former, which seems very normal to me. Perhaps there were other statements in the email that made you feel it was unprofessional.

      Second, I recognize that you were told to list several groups regardless of experience, but of course groups are going to prefer associates with experience. My experience with these types of programs is that you need to network a lot to get in the group you want, and in general, you aren’t getting into a group unless you’ve worked with them and they like your work product. So I think there’s also a bit of a lesson in overall work strategy/approach here.

      I would not tell your friend – I’d just let it go.

    12. I don’t agree with all the advice to ignore it – is the thread clearly closed out? If there’s a chance people will continue to reply-all, not realizing you are copied, it’s definitely worth replying to the thread and saying, “I think I was accidentally copied on this, if you could please remove me from the thread.”

    13. I would respond only to the HR person and only to let them know that you presumably weren’t intended to be copied. Don’t burn bridges by saying you don’t want to work with this team; maybe their first choice falls through, or staffing issues change – you don’t want to cut off opportunities.

      As for your friend – I think you should tell her. What if she ends up on this team, or working on a project with this team? It would be helpful for her to know they have reservations about her, so she can hit the ground running and prove them wrong.

      In general, I would try to take the comments lightly – maybe the group leader felt that he or she had to justify to HR why they didn’t want you, and comparing someone to a new hire is a pretty common metaphor to use when talking to HR.

      1. Agree with these points. Was there confidential sensitivity classification on these emails? There should have been….I work in big tech and in this world I would certainly make the HR person aware that confidential discussion was compromised by their oversight….not cool.

          2. “Any non-public information” is a common definition of CI, so this would definitely qualify.

    14. Disagree with those who say this isn’t unprofessional. There are far more diplomatic ways to say that they prefer other coworkers, such as, I dunno, saying that Emma’s demonstrated project management skills are an asset to thos group because X, or, if they need to mention you, that your strengths are in an area that do not bring a lot of value add to this particular area but are an asset in others.

      And if you diss your colleagues via email, FFS – FFS!!!! – be incredibly careful who is cc-ed on it.

      Nasty and lazy isn’t professional.

    15. OP here: Thanks, all. I did send a quick reply all that I was sent the email in error as the thread was going to continue with me on it. I have decided to not tell my friend unless she asks me specifically about her situation with this group. No reason for her to feel bad too.

      I do agree about the trying to get experience with the group in advance – I had tried but the staffing (which is quite random at my firm) had never worked out. Part of my frustration is that, as a generalist, I was staffed very poorly in long-term projects that I had no interest or relevant skills in that prevented me from getting experience in the groups I do want to join. And, we are being forced to join groups immediately without additional time to develop experience with the groups. So I don’t know how to win in this situation.

      1. I think you handled this exactly the right way by sending the quick reply all. Well done.

        You might consider a private email to one person in the group (maybe the one who said “no better than a first year”) that says something like, “I couldn’t help but see this, even though it was sent to me inadvertently. I know I’m already a second year [or whatever], but your group continues to be one of my top choices and I would very much like to have a chance to work with you. If there’s any chance that I could work in your group to get some experience and show you my work quality, I’d appreciate the experience.”

        In my law firm, we are open to this kind of thing, but it sometimes requires that you take a step back to get the required experience. Consider whether that’s an option.

        Good luck!

  8. Any recs for a drugstore curl cream for 2c curly hair? My favorite was discontinued a few years ago and the things I’ve tried since haven’t struck that balance of curl enhancement + hold for me. Open to multistep too. Thanks!

    1. I’m a 2C. My hair is pretty porous and is medium density and medium thickness (like individual strands) so I can get away with more products usually, because my hair drinks product.

      I like two curl creams, depending on what my hair is doing. If it’s dry out, I use the Curls Rock Amplifier cream from BedHead. If it’s humid (like now) I use the Not Your Mothers Curl Talk cream.

      I’ve also really liked the Curl Talk curl mousse, too, over one of the creams, for some hold. If I need more hold, I use ecostyler krystal gel.

      All drugstore available!

    2. Curlsmith – it’s sold at Target online, does that count as drugstore? I like the In-Shower Styler (more hold) and Weightless Air Dry Cream (less hold, softer curls). If you need something today from a CVS or the like, Kinky Curly products are good.

        1. Also – I’ve found that ingredients make a huge difference to me, I really need something without silicones or sulfates. But you may have good luck looking at the ingredient list of your old favorite and then finding something that has a similar composition.

    3. I’m 2C and most of the curl creams I look at are not CG-friendly. Products I use (I kind of vary between all of these)
      leave in- Blueberry Curls, As I Am, pink Tahitian NYM spray
      curl styler – KCC, Uncle Funky, Curlsmith Feather Light I think (has protein so start slow to see if you like)
      mousse (sometimes instead of styler, sometimes with) – Giovanni orange, Giovanni white, Herbal Essences
      gel-in-shower – LA Look
      gel out of shower about 20% dry (this is key for me getting a good cast to clap out later) – Ouidad or Ecoslay.

      YEP i’m crazy.

    4. I have a mix of 2b and 2c, and my hair loves my current routine, which are all from the brand Not Your Mothers, which you can get at CVS, Target, etc. I use their “naturals” line (pink bottle) shampoo and conditioner, and the “curl talk” curl cream and regular-hold gel. Definitely recommend giving it a shot!

    5. Late to this thread but in case you are still checking, I’m about the same and use MopTop (sold online but drug store priced and always comes with a coupon for your next order). I use the gentle shampoo and light conditioner in the shower, followed by the leave in conditioner and curl enhancer gel (winter) or curl custard (summer — I find it’s better in humidity than the gel).

  9. I’m having five people over this weekend for dinner. I’m squeamish about handling raw meat so prefer to cook vegetarian…anyone been making anything they love that’s summery?

    My go-tos are casserole-like things smitten kitchen’s pizza beans or cheesy brussel sprouts pasta bake, but feel they may be too heavy for the weather. Was thinking of the SK one-pot farro with summer vegetables, but would love recommendations for other not too complicated, not too meaty summer dinner party dishes! I’d like some sort of cold vegetable side dish (TBD), and I have dessert covered (a cobbler).

    1. I made a gorgeous potato salad with ranch dressing weekend before last, perfect for hot weather.
      If you were in the U.K. I would suggest “British tapas”, also known as ‘picky bits’ – a selection of things like ham, salami, sliced cheese, salads, crudités, dips. It is the traditional British evening meal when temperatures are over 25 degrees.

    4. if you don’t mind the inherently last-minute nature of pasta, look up Midnight Pasta – we had it for the first time in Italy and it’s now in the summer rotation weekly. Another one we make often is pesto + cherry tomatoes + pecorino, which is sooo simple but really sings with a great rose.

      1. I love throwing a couple handfuls of cherry tomato halves into a pot of pasta tossed with pesto. Something about the way the heat softens them down and brings out the sweetness – mmm! Plus good cheese? A piece of heaven. Gonna have to try this rose pairing.

    5. Pimiento cheese + either Hawaiian rolls or some sort of baguette pieces; add tapenade and hummus and maybe some cured meats and cheeses.

    6. The Barefoot Contessa’s pasta with sun-dried tomatoes is a crowd-pleasing pasta salad that works as a vegetarian main dish and can be made ahead. The How Sweet Eats orzo with smashed feta and roasted vegetables is also very good.

      1. Not the OP, but the HSE orzo with feta (you had me at feta) looks right up my alley. Thanks for mentioning.

      2. Tuscan bean and pasta soup. Insalata caprese or burrata with tomatoes.
        Pita bread and dips.

      1. uh, lasagna? in the summer? don’t know where you live but this isn’t the season to turn the oven on

        1. I live in NYC. I use my oven year round. Truly did not realize people never use their ovens in the summer…we have AC, it doesn’t really make a difference whether or not the oven is on?

          1. Yes, it does! My AC simply cannot keep up with the searing heat of our summers, so I avoid adding any extra heat at all to the house.

    8. Minimalist Baker’s broccoli hemp pesto is fantastic and very fresh tasting. I put loads of parmesan on top.

    9. Speaking of Smitten Kitchen, I made her zucchini pasta two nights ago. Absolutely delicious and perfectly seasonal with lots of basil.

      My only comment was that she called for more salt than it needed, and I’m a salt person. It really depends on how salty your cheese is, I think.

      1. I’m a total SK stan! Was it substantial enough for a main? I am always concerned about that when I serve vegetarian meals. I have a small appetite myself and am used to feeding myself this way, so I don’t feel like I’m a good judge of how things hit for “normal” people.

        1. It was substantial though I’d double the recipe for more than 2 people. It’s going to be a lot of zucchini – 3 lb! – but you do need it because it melts down as it releases its liquid. Kind of like cooking spinach – maybe not as extreme but same idea.

      2. Deb uses Diamond Kosher which has a large crystal shape and measures “light”, so if you aren’t using the same, or are using normal table salt, I’d start with about half and add to taste.

          1. Did you use Morton’s or Diamond? If you use Morton’s you need half the receipt amount for anything tested with Diamond. Annoyingly for recipe, not all kosher salt is the same and it matters quite a bit which brand it was tested with.

    10. Serena Wolf’s summer vegetable quinoa bake is a go to for me. It’s extremely flexible as far as ingredients go and it’s delicious. Also completely vegetarian but I’ve added grilled chicken to it before and it’s delicious with the chicken. I think white beans would be a good addition too but haven’t tried it. https://domesticate-me.com/summer-vegetable-quinoa-bake/

      I also have tried and liked a tomato orzo dish from Budget Bytes…I think I used one of her recipes as a base and then just added my own ingredients.

    11. I made Smitten Kitchen’s Pesto Potato Salad with Green Beans last week and it was delicious! The whole family loved it. I highly recommend for a side dish.

  10. Looking for some workout/morning routine advice. Before the pandemic, I got up around 5:30am, commuted downtown, went to the gym near my office, then went to work. Many mornings I woke up tired but had 30ish minutes to really wake up during my commute so I knew all I had to do was get myself out of bed and on the subway and the momentum of the city/gym would wake me up before my workout. I’m wfh now and the thought of getting up and immediately working out (because I don’t have any commute) is proving too hard. Has anyone made this shift? What do you do between groggy wake up and actually working out? Morning workouts are best for my overall attitude and productivity so I know I shouldn’t give them up.

    1. I have been through these slumps, too, and working from home definitely does not make it easier. You will probably hate this suggestion, but I put my alarm in a place that’s far enough away from my bed that I’m forced to get up, walk to shut off the alarm, and not hit the snooze button. Once I’m out of bed, I can make myself get going.

      I guess I don’t have much of a break between groggy wakeup and actual workout. I get up, get dressed, grab some water, and maybe a banana or something if I’m super hungry. Then I work out at home. If I start doing anything else, that workout is not going to happen.

    2. I allow myself time to wake up, so two alarms 30 minutes apart. And then I don’t do jumpy or ‘energetic’ workouts – I can run, or I can swim, or I can follow a Peloton bike or tread class, but I wouldn’t do a morning Bodypump or Zumba class or morning weights workout.

    3. I get up, brush my teeth and splash some water on my face to wake up. After I change into workout clothes, I make the bed and make my way to to the kitchen. I have cats, so I feed them and clean litter boxes. Also my husband goes into the office so I’ll watch some local news while he gets ready to leave. Then I start my workout after he leaves.

      Maybe you could spend some time reading or listening to a podcast. If the weather is nice, maybe step outside to get some fresh air?

    4. I get up and have a cup of coffee and read (sometimes for pleasure, usually for school) for about 45 minutes before working out. I do this on wfh days and days I go into the office. Sometimes I will run an errand or do some housework. If I truly have nothing I have to do, I will paint. That wakes me up enough that I have energy to workout.

      Usually wake up at 6, read/whatever until 645, workout/stretch til 745, then shower (in the shower by 750) and get ready, out the door by 825 for a 35 min walk to the office. I like to get schoolwork and a workout (and maybe chores/hobby) done in the AM so my PMs are free for happy hour, other hobbies, etc

    5. I lie in bed for a few minutes, play Wordle or do Duolingo, read the news, glance at my email, then get up and workout.

    6. I do a 15 minute stretch workout through Peloton before getting on my bike. It’s easier for me to get out of bed to essentially lay on the floor, but I also really like waking up with a great stretch. Usually by the time I’m done I’m ready for a more intense workout, but sometimes I just do another 15 minutes of stretching.

    7. Put you sneakers in line of sight of you when you open your eyes in the morning. That always helps me. Worst case in the dead of winter I would sleep in my workout clothes LOL. It worked though. Up, sneaker on, hair in pony tail and out the door.

    8. I am pretty stupid first 20mins after waking up so I take it easy and make my mandatory morning cup of coffee, slowly sip it and then crush my workouts.

  11. Mid-Atlantic and SEUS folks–at what temperature do you leave the thermostat while you are away during the summer? We will be traveling during a heat wave and I don’t want to overload the A/C and have it fail, but I also don’t want the whole house to get moldy. I’m thinking 78?

    2. 78 is our normal AC temp during the day, so I think you’re safe to bump it up a few more degrees. 80 should be fine to keep the mold away.

    3. I set it to 85 when outdoor highs are projected to be 90 while we are away. That seems low enough to get it to turn on enough to keep the humidity at bay while also not being too high of a temp that it would cause problems for our woodwork.

      I do set it lower than 85 if the outdoor highs are expected to be cooler but with high humidity, because I want it to turn on enough to pull some of the moisture from the air.

    4. 78 is good. I’ve probably done 80 before, but we have cats and 78 just seems more pleasant for them while we’re gone.

    5. Midwest so maybe not quite as humid but we set it to 85 when we’re away and have never had any issues. We’re rarely away from home for more than 1 week though.

    7. I turn it off. I grew up in a house (my parents still live there) without AC, so we always left the house as is without AC

      1. If you live in a humid area, you can’t do this, your house will be uninhabitable when you return.

        1. I live in the humid mid Atlantic, as do my parents. We never left for more than 8 days at a time, but it was always fine. I think my mom ran the dehumidifier? I have relatives though who don’t have AC and spend their summers down the shore and so I guess the house is just without AC but windows closed, anyway, it’s never been a problem

    9. Interesting question. I run a dehumidifier so I’d like to think that helps too. It certainly fills up with water.

    10. our vacation setting on Ecobee is like 60-84. We haven’t been home in 2 weeks (midwest) and checking my phone now it’s at 76.

    11. 78-80 while away. I want it running regularly for the dehumidifying effect. On the day of return I get on the thermostat app and start dropping it a degree or two at a time, so that the AC will stay in stage 1 cooling. Any more than a degree or two at a time and it kicks into stage 2 cooling. By the time I get home the house is at its usual temperature.

  12. I just saw a MMLF OG dress in the wild in my city’s central business district. I feel like this is a sign of things returning to normal. [I have that dress in a different color, but it is COVID-15 away from looking good on me; will give in another season or a few, depending on if I can ever regain regular gym attendance; sadly, I am one of the people who can’t pull off at-home exercise due to distractability, so I need a gym or to be out doing an activity like tennis or hiking.]

    1. Was it me? I have mine on today in Boston’s CBD [and have for a number of months]. We’re back, baby.

    2. I’m wearing my MMLF dresses and jardigans too! It’s just so easy. (But I have more in my closet that don’t fit and I commiserate.)

  13. When you’ve been dating someone for months not years, and they have a job offer that would require them to move, how does the conversation about whether you’re going to move with them come up? Do you think the person who has the opportunity would bring it up, as in inviting the other person to move along with them? Or is it one of these things where it doesn’t have to be a conversation, if you’re at the stage in the relationship where you’re going to move cities for each other, it’s understood by both people?

    2. Unless you’re clearly planning to spend the rest of your lives together (married, engaged, or discussing long term plans), it definitely needs to be a conversation. Actually it needs to be a conversation either way, as I wouldn’t even consider taking a job in another city if my partner wasn’t on board. I can’t imagine being in a serious relationship and not discussing something like this, from the moment you apply for the job. If it’s not discussed, I would assume that the other person is just planning on moving away and you’ll be breaking up.

    3. I think you’d know if you were close enough to making moving decisions together. If you’re asking the question, I’d assume he’s moving away.

    5. I wouldn’t move without a ring or similar serious commitment. The only way I would consider it is if I could keep my current job and it wasn’t too far from family.

      1. This right here. Maybe it’s some place I’d independently want to be but I have to be getting a lot out of it vs what I’d be giving up. Can you not be long-distance for a period of time? Sometimes you just can’t live without someone who is currently new. Sometimes you definitely can / should.

      2. People always say this, but I moved cross-country to be with my husband after dating in person for ~3 months and long distance for ~9 months and have no regrets. We both knew we were going to get married and openly talked about that fact. I didn’t need a diamond.

        1. She said, ring or serious commitment. No one was suggesting you need a particular rock to feel a certain way.

          1. I guess I don’t feel like we had a “similar commitment.” We were planning a shared future but not actually engaged. It just seems like a somewhat arbitrary line to say you have to be engaged or equivalent to move. I would personally be inclined to move if necessary for any relationship where I saw future potential and the other person indicated they felt the same. You can always move back if things go south.

        2. “We both knew we were going to get married and openly talked about that fact”

          What is that if not a serious commitment?

    6. um this is a conversation regardless of where you are in a relationship! like, my husband wouldn’t just apply for a job across the country without talking over a move with me first…

      if your partner sees a long term future with you, I would expect them to bring it up “hey, I’m interested in applying for opportunity x, but downside is it’s in location y. while I know it’s early stages with us, I wanted to see how you would feel about being long distance for awhile, though obviously one of us would need to move or move back if all goes well” sort of tone / exploratory mood.

      1. Eh, sometimes the opportunities present themselves: intercompany transfer; someone you’ve worked with moves and wants you to come. Not all job offers are sought by one side vs offered by the other.

        1. well ok, adapt accordingly, “hey, my manager approached me about taking a job in X and I’m thinking about it…”

    7. It needs to be a conversation no matter what. But FWIW, I would absolutely not entertain the idea of relocating for someone I hadn’t already made a commitment to (married, engaged or engagement path, at the very least).

    8. It’s also not a question of time but rather seriousness. My husband and I were engaged within a month of meeting each other so it’s possible to make serious decisions together soon after meeting. But that’s not what’s going on here. If you know he’s got a job offer to move and he’s not consulting you about it, it’s not a serious relationship at this point.

    9. Definitely requires a conversation. Either person can bring it up. Regarding assumptions, some of this depends on culture. When I met DH, he was in the military and scheduled to move something like 9 months after we met. The assumption in that culture is that the military member will ask for a duty station that’s as convenient as possible for their SO – a request that may or may not be honored – and the SO will move. We had a lot of conversations about what our relationship might look like under different scenarios and what would be a dealbreaker. I think he was surprised that I wasn’t willing to move, but I have a career and I’m not interested in taking another bar. You have to know what you want and what compromises you’re willing to make before you decide anything with your partner. Do what’s right for you and the relationship will follow (or it won’t); sacrificing your life for a relationship is a good way to build resentment.

    10. I met my now-husband during a time when I was having conversations with the company I worked for about my career path eventually leading to a cross-country move. The timing was up in the air but it was an eventuality and not exactly an option. I was nervous but open to it.

      So from the moment I met this man, I was telling him that someday I’d be doing this cross country move, and he was telling me that he’d basically spent his whole life trying to find a job in our current city, and it was where he planned to stay. So we both thought that we might end up long distance or broken up when the time came. Moving was a dealbreaker for him, and everyone gets to have their dealbreakers.

      I’ve been married to him for 22 years now. We have two young adult kids. During the time we’ve been together I’ve been offered at least three jobs across the country. I turned down the first two quite easily because they weren’t the right opportunity, and I took the third one and commuted cross country for several years. It was tough but it worked out and I’m grateful I had the opportunity because it did so much for my career and earning power.

      I guess why I told you my whole story was because if you’re with The One, I think you’d be talking about this. I think you would have talked about it from the moment the job move was even an idea.

      Since it obviously has not worked that way, bringing it up today is better than bringing it up tomorrow or next week or next month. Talk about it!!

      1. Agree with this. I started dating my husband when I was two years away from finishing grad school, so we knew a move was likely from the very beginning. We planned the whole process together from the very start.

    11. I had this happen. We initially agreed to a short casual thing – I knew from the start this was coming up. As it became clear we were falling for each other, he is the one who brought up trying long distance for a while. So our initial plan was to try long distance for a year, and if we were solid I would look for job opportunities in his city (he had a three year commitment that wasn’t flexible). And then in a fun plot twist covid happened, he never moved, we are now married and expecting a baby. But it came up pretty organically as we got more serious, and the fact that he didn’t shy away from those conversations was one thing I really liked about him.

  14. This is a new one. I work at a large hospital system that owns many doctor practices. We get a lot of garnishment claims (probably no more so that any other employer). Generally, some people have fallen behind in child support between jobs and have some payments they are not happy about making and maybe some arrearages to catch up on. They are often more of the dead-broke dads (some moms, too, especially with grandparents often stepping in to raise kids) than deadbeats. Recently, we have a guy making $$$ who is just not paying. I know most MDs are small business owners, but b/c we own the practice, they are employees who are subject to garnishment, same as the hourly-wage workers. Dude is livid. New spouse is also an employee and has dropped by to add her $.02. [And, my hands are legally tied; you don’t pay your bills of various sorts and the stuff you have can get garnished or attached; you don’t like it, quit or declare bankruptcy.] Aiiiii.

    1. Ha, I had something similar when I worked in a hospital, right down to the new spouse weighing in. Commiseration.

    2. I thought this was really common among male MDs? They trick a poor woman into supporting them through school and residency, then as soon as they’re real doctors they bail for a younger model.

      1. My sister has been on the receiving end of this — she now makes $15 an hour after having to quit work b/c she was always written up for taking time off for sick kids b/c my s*cky ex-BIL had the important job. Dude makes maybe half a million/year now and won’t pay for college b/c wife #3 (yes — someone keeps finding him attractive) needs the $ more.

      2. Yes, I live in a medical school/medical community. On our local subreddit there are always students/residents looking for the newest bar to meet women/”new friends”. I politely ask them if they expect that young woman to move away from their local community when they get a first job. I ask whether its fair to be looking for a long term relationship when they live intend here in this community only for the short-term. I ask if they expect the friend to visit them when they move, or if they ever plan to come back to “town” to mutually maintain their “friendship”. I always get downvoted/blocked. But the truth is, they are looking for entertainment/support for 3-4-10 years and fully intend to ditch her/or their new group of “friends” later. I’ve seen it over and over again.

      3. Now that you say it like this, my ex med student bf makes a lot of sense. He was a *erk.

    3. This is not limited to the medical field. I dealt with this in the construction field as well. New employee would come on with a garnishment for child support. He’d claim that it was “taken care of” and shouldn’t be taken out of his check, or his wife would call and claim the same thing. Sorry. That garnishment is a court order telling me I have to take that money out of your check and send it to domestic relations in the issuing state and until I got a canceling order, the money is coming out. Got a problem with that? Take it up with domestic relations and the court, not me. I’m legally bound to do this and until I’m legally told otherwise, your check is being garnished. New employee usually wasn’t very happy (and the wife usually wasn’t either, because my rule was I’d only talk to the the employee.) A lot of times the employee would end up quitting to avoid paying. There are a lot of jerks out there. Just pay your damn support and be done with it. It’s not going away.

    4. How obnoxious. He can challenge the garnishment, but he doesn’t do that through you. And it sounds like he doen’t have grounds to challenge so he’s just taking out his frustration on an innocent bystander. New wife sounds like a peach. I hope the children are resilient because it sounds like they have an underperforming father with some personality defects.

      1. Yeah, something about how they are married now and it’s their money and his bills blah blah blah. It’s like someone dropped out of law school and vaguely remembers entireties property and then forgets that in our state it just applies to real estate but only if jointly titled.

        My favorite is when they don’t update the life insurance beneficiaries and $ goes to the first-round kids or a former girlfriend (divorce revokes a life insurance beneficiary designation but not if the $ is just going to a girl friend).

    5. Yikes — I’d worry about my reputation at work if I ever had to get garnished for anything (absent falling on hard times, where it’s can’t pay vs does not bother to pay). I’m pretty sure in my money-handling judgment-valuing field, I’d probably get a stern talking-to about headline risk from this from public records if not outright sacked. [We had a wife-beater once and there was a point where we were all just how many police reports does it take to fire someone??? No one would work late if he was at work and having to hire an off-duty officer for the comfort of the female staff got to be a bit much.]

      1. ugg – commiseration on the wife beater situation. The one I worked with never got fired either. He moved somewhere else eventually, but it left me with a really bad taste in my mouth that no one higher up had the will to do anything.

    6. The jerkier this guy is, the more certain I would feel that the law you are required to follow was written because of him. He has complained, you have told him this is legally required, discussion over. I would not entertain another word of it.

      1. Been there; in my case, the new wife had a Christian woman’s blog that she discussed this on. Seemed off-brand to me (yes, I’d check it, but in fairness, I thought of it as an early warning system should one of them go off the rails in a dangerous way).

    7. I was sympathetic right up until he got mad at you and his wife said something to you. People fall behind for all sorts of reasons, even people making a lot of money now. (Generally, they went through a period of employment or underemployment, or sank money into starting their business and only now have the cash to pay.) But… wow is that is inappropriate to ream you out.

      “This is a court order. I have no discretion here. If you object, hire an attorney or otherwise have the court order cancelled.”

      1. I used to work in child support court. Often, if your ex / kids become public charges, they will seek a support order against you if none is in place and then deal with the garnishments if you are not paying. As a taxpayer, this makes sense: you make kids, feeding and housing them is rightly your bill and not the taxpayers’.

        And has been said before, most people have no $, let alone enough to support two households. Often, they can’t pay vs choosing not to pay. If you make bank and have a garnishment order entered against you, look in the mirror before you go about complaining, especially if those you are complaining to make a fraction of what you do.

  15. I love that WhiteHouse/BlackMarket alternate dress in the denim blue color! So mad that I don’t need it for work nor do I need another dress for (almost non-existent) dining out or family events. Sigh.

    1. Same here! I keep seeing dresses that I want but only go into the office a couple days so it isn’t worth it to buy new things when I still have dresses from before the pandemic that I have barely worn! There is one dress from BrochuWalker on Instagram that is stalking me lol!

  16. I’m another ‘rette having surgery soon. I am not going to be allowed to do any heavy lifting or strenuous activity for 6-8 weeks. (I have usually found those types of estimates to be on the optimistic side and have typically needed longer to feel OK after any invasive medical event.) Unfortunately for me, exercise is one of my main strategies for relieving stress and anxiety. More to the point, hard exercise at least 3 times a week (running, HIIT, weights) makes a noticeable difference. In absence of that, any ideas of how to find another outlet that isn’t so physical? I know I have only one chance to thoroughly recover, and I’m trying to reframe the post-surgery period as an opportunity to learn new coping skills. But I’m also freaking out a little, especially since I don’t know how long it’s going to take to feel like myself again. I tend to store stress deep in my body. I am planning on taking brief walks when I feel up to it. Even gentle yoga could be off the table for a while (surgery involves the abdomen / twisting and stretching is gonna hurt).

    1. Have you tried meditations? Like the ones from the Calm or Peloton apps? I like those, because it’s a lot of breathing and relaxing. And walking when you’re able is always the best.

    3. I would suggest a meditation program. Peloton has a 60-day free trial with a member referral (I think 30 days without referral). If you want to post a burner address, I can send you the referral. They have hundreds of meditation classes, so you could set yourself up with a “plan” that may meet some of the need to “achieve” something. They also have chair or seated yoga, so when you get the clear to do mild stretching, you could start with those. Also standing yoga, which I find gentle because I’m not reaching or attempting more challenging moves. Good luck and hope the healing goes well.

    4. You are going to be so exhausted from healing that a gentle walk will probably have the effect that a vigorous workout normally does. I wouldn’t worry too much. I also find that completely disconnecting from work is very calming, so put up an out-of-office message and don’t check e-mail.

      1. I was going to say exactly this. I recently had some surgery and was super worried about how not being able to exercise was going to make me feel. I was SHOCKED at how tired I was and how much I needed rest (and sleep! – two things I am terrible at in real life) as my body healed. I very quickly ramped back up to my normal level of exercise as I came to the end of my recuperation period. Surgeons are NOT JOKING when they tell you that you need time “off.” It’s not a vacation – your body really needs that downtime to get better and your mind is also so tired it just goes along with it.

    5. I was in your shoes last year, except that it was an injury. I could not workout properly for almost a year. Intense exercise keeps me sane.

      I got back into reading novels. I meditated. I bought one of those acupressure mats and used it every day – it was very sensory engaging especially with deep breathing. I spent time laying on the floor with my legs up against the wall and listened to full music albums. I binged a couple of shows, which I never do. I spent more time in nature, and built up my walking as I could. I scheduled massages.

      I reminded myself often that my condition was temporary and wasn’t I lucky that I hadn’t been paralyzed in a car accident. That might have helped the most.

    6. Agree with meditation, but I usually go for music instead. I like Beethoven and Mozart, but I’m sure people’s tastes vary on this. Otherwise, fun and distracting books and movies can help a lot too. Anything that makes you laugh or lets you get lost in a different world is good.

      1. I agree with the suggestion for reading, specifically fiction. Meditation is not for me, but a good novel is transporting.

    7. I was immobile for two months due to surgery. As exercise wasn’t an option, I had to clean up my diet. Six months on, I haven’t gained a pound.

  17. I’m about to enter my first busy season in public accounting, complete with a certain amount of travel. Any tips for setting myself up for surviving, both work-related and otherwise?

    1. Take care of yourself and psych up to have the best attitude you can.
      Have your travel outfits figured out. Carry on only.
      Have a makeup and toiletry bag, brush, etc that just stay in your suitcase.
      Pack your favorite tea or k-cups, granola bars, etc so you have a snack you like if (when) travel snafus happen.
      Stock your pantry/freezer with decent food options and some treats for those days.
      Load some shows/podcasts/kindle books that you can look forward to in transit or for 20 min at the end of a long day
      Plan some easy to execute workouts (hotel gym, yoga video, etc.)

      1. Agree with all of this! And welcome to public accounting Vicky :)

      2. Agree. I spent 6+ years as a 75% travel road warrior. Having duplicates of all toiletries is the only way to go, because otherwise you’ll forget something. Do carry on only so really streamline what you’ll take. I also had a travel only wardrobe (mostly knit separates) that I didn’t use for non-travel because I needed everything clean and ready to go at a moment’s notice. Believe me when I saw no one will notice if you wear the same black pants multiple times on a trip.

  18. What is the best way, in your opinion, to invest extra cash these days? Married, two kids, late 30s. Everything is fully funded (retirements fully maxed, 529s), jobs are as stable as possible and debts are satisfied. No splurge purchases on the horizon. We’re lucky to have had a recent windfall and now have $350,000 sitting in a savings account, which thankfully is making 1.75% as of this morning, but feel like we could be doing something more productive with a portion of it. This is all of our free cash at this point, so assume ~$150k of it is earmarked as “emergency”. TIA.

      1. This. You can’t buy all that many (less than $15K/year), so it’s a part of the puzzle, but a nice yield. Not a substitute for a pile of cash.

      2. i-bonds are not locked rates, they change every 6-12 months or something. i asked my accountant about them when they were at 7% and he said nooooooooooo. They’ve even been negative in recent years.

        1. ibonds can never go negative (g*gle it). It’s not exactly an investment but an amazing place to park your emergency fund as long as it’s not money you’d need the next day. Think of it as an alternative to a savings account, not an investment, since it’s just keeping up with inflation. Over time I’m moving the majority of my emergency fund to ibonds, each year buying up to the limit. Not sure what your accountant was thinking or if he was thinking of something other than i bonds…

    4. I’d keep the $150k in savings and put the rest in VTSAX or the equivalent at whatever company you use.

    5. With respect to the extra $200000:
      Both adults buy I Bonds – $20,000
      Ensure your insurance is appropriate and up to date
      Investigate if you can use a “mega back door” Roth at your retirement plans
      Take the remaining and invest it in low cost index funds

    6. If you are nervous about putting all of the money into investments at once, you can save part as an emergency fund (3-12 months expenses) and then divide the rest of the money by 12-24 months and then invest that amount automatically each month. Takes ~10-15 mins to set up and then you can forget it!

    7. I have my emergency cash broken into quarters and in a set of four CDs so something matures each quarter.

  19. Has anyone done Weight Watchers recently? I did WW a long time ago when the company I worked for used them as part of a get fit promotion and it really didn’t work well for me. It seemed their points system at the time was based on a lot of processed/prepackaged foods and I like to cook a lot from scratch without recipes. In order to use the program, I had to enter in everything I cooked and guess food amounts. It was really a pain and I gave up halfway through. I know WW has rebranded recently and may have reworked how their points system works but I can’t find much in the way of information on it on their website — without actually signing up for the program, and I don’t want to pay and commit to something that may/may not work until I have more details.

    Any insight? Thanks in advance!

    1. I have given up on both WW and MyFitnessPal for these reasons. After a few months, it becomes a burden to be constantly calculating and guessing and never really knowing if you’re doing it right.

    2. I just rejoined a few weeks ago. I lost 50 lbs in 2017, then had a kid and other medical crap so I’ve regained it all but I’m using it again now. I’m really enjoying the new program so far. It took me two weeks to figure out the new points system, the non-starchy vegetable thing, the zero points options, etc. But, now that I’m in a groove I find it really easy.
      I agree there were a lot of processed foods in the old program, but this new program is much, much more about unprocessed stuff. I don’t think I’ve eaten more veggies in my life as I have the last three weeks. I also have zero point options that include salmon and lean proteins, so that’s a go to. I’d say give it a try. They had a special for $10/month for 6 months which was a really good deal, and not such a burden that if it failed I was wasting a ton of money.

      FWIW, I have so many criticisms of the brand and company, but it’s worked really well for me in the past. But, I’m no blind loyalist to the program. Just sharing my initial thoughts after rejoining!

    3. I did WW a lot from 2005-2015, then left for other things, and am now back and really loving the new program; my personal zero point foods align exactly with how I’ve decided I should be eating mostly from other research/plans. (Lots of chicken, FFGY, oats, beans, popcorn.) That said, I enter everything I eat regularly by hand (I use my phone to scan the nutritional info since the bar code scanner is wrong 90% of the time) and I prefer to use grams to enter things. If you’re cooking from scratch I highly recommend switching to a food scale – it’s so much more accurate and it’s so much easier than washing a zillion measuring cups and spoons. (For olive oil I put it on the scale, zero the scale, then pour it into the bowl or pan, then putt the bottle back on the scale to see how much I put in; my eyes are pretty good at getting it close to 15g (1T) now.)

    4. I like the app for overall health – tracks water, physical activity, veggie intake and sleep in addition to food points. Those are all huge for me. If I’m not sleeping well then I am way more likely to binge eat.

      I have literally never purchased a WW product. You can input your own recipes to get points values for the common meals you eat with your family. Just have to input it once.

      My kids have no idea I do WW – I just talk about keeping track of drinking enough water, getting enough sleep and eating enough healthy foods.

  20. Any recs for therapists specialized in marriage counseling in NYC (or virtual)? Has anyone tried Regain (like Betterhelp but for couples). TIA

    2. This isn’t much specific help, but the psychology today dot com therapist finder is really helpful because it has a lot of information about the listed therapists. I found my gem of a shrink on there a few years ago.

  21. Why do law firms have alcohol-themed summer associate events in car-dependent areas of a city (where plenty of places are walkable from the office or transitable from still other areas of the city)?! Ugh.

      1. +1 yes indeed. It should be very clear that there is no expectation for participants to drink and drive.

        Separate point, I think alcohol “themed” events are a poor choice, since plenty of people don’t drink for cultural/religious/personal/addiction reasons. It’s not great for inclusivity. And there are so many other event themed that can easily be selected. Obviously an event where alcohol happens to be served, even in abundance, is fine.

        1. I don’t drink and disagree with this. When I was a summer I enjoyed some alcohol “themed” things like wine tasting in Napa a lot more than generic parties with no theme but tons of booze. Napa is still beautiful and relaxing even if you’re not drinking. Watching other people get hammered at a bar is not super fun for non-drinkers.

  22. Need a birthday gift idea for my niece: late 20s, lives downtown in a big city. Goes into the office 3x a week and is in grad school part time, lives with roommates but is moving into her own apartment in a month. Likes to travel, has a few fitness related hobbies (club soccer team, triathlon, running and biking), likes the outdoors and has a very active social life. She hates clutter so hoping to get something useful (doesn’t have to be boring and practical but not something that will just collect dust)

    1. Sounds like I have a lot of overlap with your niece and here’s a grab bag of ideas…national or state (or whatever would be best for her location) parks pass? Membership to a museum or other cultural institution that has young professionals programming? Nice running socks? Lululemon crossbody/fanny pack? A pair of tickets to a fun concert or local sporting event? Something she might want or need for the new apartment, or that might be on its last legs and due for a luxe upgrade–really plush towels? Kitchen gear? Blender?

    2. Tbh, a jardigan. Such a clutch piece in my wardrobe, but pricy.

      Good knife for her new apr.

      Good vacuum for her new apt.

      1. +1 to a nice knife if she likes to cook! My chef’s knife is a cherished gift from my aunt.
        If in the DC area, District Cutlery is my fav knife shop and they offer a voucher for sharpening with purchase.

  23. Curious to hear everyone’s thoughts on the importance of passion and s*x in a relationship vs reliability, stability, and partnership. I’ve heard all kinds of things from friends:

    “Marriage is more a business partnership than anything else. Marry someone you can run a household with”

    or

    “It won’t last if there’s no spark” and things like “Good s*x can keep people together when life is hard”

    What do you think? Sometimes I wonder if the spark can actually be destructive if the couple shouldn’t be together for other reasons of incompatibility. At the same time, I’ve seen relationships die slow deaths because the partners care about each other as people (and FWIW, seem to be able to run a household together just fine) but the s*xual attraction just isn’t there anymore.

    Thoughts? How much of your marriage feels like work? How much of the spark/passion is what keeps you together?

    1. no idea where it came from, but a friend said something like “good s3x is 10% of a marriage and bad s3x is 90%” and I think that’s onto something.

      1. In college, the bad variety was certainly sufficient. Bad s*x but you empty the dishwasher? HAWT.

        1. Actual bad sex after unloading the dishwasher = making me wish I had remained single and just hired a housekeeper.

          You’re talking about meh sex. Mediocre sex. The O wasn’t as satisfying as you wanted. Actual bad sex rips you apart. Be fortunate if you aren’t familiar.

          1. Or somethings are amazing but maybe the lights should be off? And I don’t love it at 10am on a weekend b/c that is my free time now that I’m a parent but you don’t like at night after the kids go to bed. Maybe it’s just CompromiseS*x?

          2. Compromise sex =/= bad sex.
            Not great sex =/= bad sex.

            Bad sex leaves me regretting marriage. It’s worse than unfulfilling.

        1. oh man, now I regret that I agree with it… but find it to be true.

          A dry spell means we’re both more snappy with each other and it kind of takes over the mood, hence the 90%. While the flip side doesn’t mean the ‘business’ of running a marriage disappears into nothing, it does make everything seem to run more smoothly / approaching it as a team naturally.

          1. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day – not by Dr Phil, but true of Dr Phil

            (I would not say the same about Dr Oz)

    2. There is probably a different mix, depending on who you ask! For me, attraction doesn’t happen in a vacuum/isn’t purely physical. Unreliability and lack of respect are a turnoff. Competency is sexy.

      1. I saw a comedian say that “Men want to see a woman naked. Women want to see a man in a suit.” If suit is a proxy for competence, hell yes.

        1. But also men wearing suits is sexy as all get out. My favorite thing about wedding season is seeing so many men in suits!

          1. Yeah I don’t know that it’s a proxy for competence except maybe on a subconscious level. Men just…look good in suits.

    4. I just broke off a FWB situation with a friend (so we are compatible in other ways) who I think would have been a good long term partner (stable job, would be good with kids, seems useful around the house) because there was so spark. I have a very low s*x drive naturally so I need to feel physically attracted to someone in order to want to have s*x.

      I think compatibility/stability/being a good partner in non s*xual ways is more important than chemistry, but there needs to be some chemistry.

      1. Ok I have never really been in a FWB situation but yours sounds like the opposite of what most people are looking for in one. Isn’t it usually – I could never be in a relationship with this guy but we can’t keep our hands off each other ?

        1. Yeah it was probably going to lead to a relationship but I wasn’t at all attracted to him so decided to end it before we got there. As longtime friends with a lot of close mutual friends I knew if I wasn’t into it I needed to end it before feelings got involved. If with a stranger or acquaintance I would probably try to power through for a little bit but I felt very strongly about not leading him on

    5. You need both. It shocks me that anyone ever manages to get married or stay married. You have to be so many things to each other. Business partner, lover, friend (BFF?), confidante, co-parent, sous chef, health care advocate, fellow caretaker of ageing parents, the list goes on. It’s a lot.

    6. Stop over-thinking it and don’t listen to fools. The question is the equivalent of asking if it’s more important to have water or vitamins in your diet, or if the engine or transmission is more important to how your car runs.

      If you want a stable marriage, both parties need to be fully invested in making all aspects of it work. That includes BOTH household management and intimacy. Now, couples usually get better at learning each other’s bodies and pleasing each other over time, so do not measure the entire marriage by early intimacy; however, if there is no attraction or a sincere desire to learn, the marriage will be toast.

    7. I think you need to be on the same page about s*x, but it doesn’t have to be a huge part of the relationship if both people are okay with it- the problems arise when needs are unequal. I think the friendship part and just being happy to be together every day is even more important than either the business partnership or the spark part, though there’s absolutely no way I could marry someone who wasn’t fairly similar to me in attitudes about finances, housekeeping, hobbies, and family relations. I’ve been happily married for 10+ years and it never seems like work (no kids, though, I’m sure that helps).

    8. I think sex is just one possible aspect of a romantic relationship. I agree that a lack of passion in a relationship can doom it, but that passion doesn’t have to be expressed through sex. I am romantic, but essentially asexual. I enjoy the physical sensations and intimacy of sex when I have it, but I don’t really feel a drive or attraction to anyone. I am romantically attracted to my husband, but not physically.
      In my relationship, it is far more important to feel like I am loved and appreciated as more than a friend or business partner or coparent.

    9. I think the important thing is to be aligned with your partner on what you want. I have a pretty low libido and have gone years between boyfriends being celibate. My husband also has a low libido so we don’t have a really active s*x life. I think I mind slightly more than he does, but neither really cares. We’re still great partners, best friends, and I love our date nights and quiet moments of connection.

    10. commenting late, but Dan Savage’s advice on this is that if you intend your serious relationship to be monogamous, sexual compatibility should be one of the top things you screen for. You don’t need a partner that you’re all over all the time if that’s not how your drive works, but being on the same page about consistency, activities, etc. is extremely extremely important if this is the only person you’re fulfilling that need with. Most, if not all, people crave intimacy and physical connection–whatever form that takes is up to you and your partner but it needs to be met.

  24. Can we have a regrets confessional thread? I find them fascinating and often helpful.
    What is your biggest regret?
    I think my two:
    1) Selling our condo in a now desirable DC location before we got married because we were moving to the suburbs and thought we wouldn’t be able to rent it out and handle being landlords. Now that we manage two other rental properties, I see that we could have totally handled it and we would have been so much more comfortable financially. We will never again be able to afford real estate in such a good location.
    2) Not throwing caution into the wind and sleeping with the smart, cute, funny, hot artist that I had an intense connection with whom I met in the early days of dating my now husband. Hot artist and I were really good friends (with simmering more than friends tensions) for about a year, but I knew he would not have been a good life partner for me and the fall out of cheating on my then boyfriend would have been even worse. But yeah, if I could live two lives, I totally would have gotten together with him.
    What are yours?

    1. Mine is wasting time dating the same type of guy when it never worked out! I dated a string of doctors a few years ago. Total waste of time and same red flags, rinse, wash, and repeat.

    2. Similar to you, I regret not having more confidence when I was younger to pursue relationships, one in particular with a guy who was interested in me and would have been a fun time! I love my husband but I didn’t have any experience prior to him.

      Apart from relationships, I wish I had more confidence generally when I was younger to pursue things and travel etc. I don’t regret having a great job and family though!

    3. 1. Not telling my guy friend in college that I was in love with him. He knew it, everyone knew it, but I actively told him I had no feelings for him bc I was so worried about a) rejection and b) ruining our friend group dynamic. In the end he ended up dating my best friend, which ultimately ruined my friendship with both of them! If I had at least told him how I felt when I had the chance, I wouldn’t be left wondering “what if.”

      2. Not moving to NYC immediately after graduating. Three of my best high school friends moved out together, and I was even looking at apartments with them, but was too scared to move without a job offer. I’m pretty happy with the way my life turned out here (mid-size city in the Midwest), and I met my husband within a year of graduating, but I sometimes wonder what my life could have been like – and whether I would have been able to rekindle the college friendships I’ve lost (most people from my college end up in NY).

    4. OMG I have so many regrets and so many stupid decisions and so much of it was so dumb but… here I am now and I wouldn’t trade any of it because it was all necessary to get me here.

      I guess the main thing is I regret spending all those years thinking I had to be perfect in order to be worthy, while also thinking I was the furthest thing in the world from perfect. I wish I’d known years ago that it was okay to be human.

    5. Right now, not giving a potential relationship with a hot, rich, and sweet guy a try because he wasn’t that smart and it would have been long-distance and he was 3 years younger than me (I was in college, and he was in high school, so it was more significant then). We stayed in touch, but by the time we might have rekindled something, I was already dating and in love with my now-husband. I see hot guy’s Instagram posts, and he runs a large, successful business. His family has a lifestyle that involves private jets to private islands in Mexico. He’s still hot. I just read an interview with him, and he honestly still sounds not that bright, but maybe that wouldn’t be such a deal breaker if I’d known about the private jets to Mexico.

    6. I do find it hard to regret much, but I’ll always wish I had made more of my study abroad year. I was terribly depressed and succumbed often. It’s hard to regret how much it refined me to struggle through, but I wish I’d made a few more memories. Ditto for regular college, especially post-study abroad when I was trying desperately to catch up and Do All the Homework.

    7. 1) Not applying to a service academy out of high school. I loved my college experience: had a lot of fun, made great friends, got a good education, etc but as an athlete I already wasn’t partying as much as I would have liked, I have only worked civilian government jobs that have very similar job duties to a military job (watch officer, intelligence analyst) but for less money/worse benefits, I have student loans, most of my coworkers are veterans (so the skills do carry over) and now at the age of 30 I’m working n joining the National Guard. I think I could have saved myself a whole lot of money and some headaches by just joining the military earlier.

      2) moving somewhere after college where none of my college friends live. I have a good social life where I am, but my closest and most fun friends are one group of my college friends. We see each other 2-3x a year and it’s the best weekends of my year, but I wish we had tried to live closer to each other right out of undergrad.

      1. Ok, how do you just… not feel it? I think sometimes it can be useful if used as a lens for what you might want to change in your current life.

    9. The Wrong Guy once talked me into sleeping with him by saying “when we’re both old and sitting on our porches in our rocking chairs, we’re not going to be saying ‘I’m so glad we didn’t sleep together.’ We’re going to be thinking with a grin ‘remember that time ___ and I had that fling and ____ each other’s brains out?’”

      And he was the Wrong Guy, but he was right about that.

      Regrets, I’ve had a few, but not about that.

    10. Staying in biglaw for a decade until they kicked me out. Believe me I DON’T regret the money I made but I regret putting SO much into it and being naive enough to think I could have a long term future there. Nope once they were done with my services I was out the door. Yet I gave up all of my life for it and you don’t get those young years back.
      Not getting married/meeting anyone at an age where kids were still easily possible.
      Not traveling – see above -worked ALL the time.
      And then just when I got kicked out and landed in a normal job with time off etc. where I’m not interested in impressing, life went on hold because of the pandemic so yeah . . . . I feel like there’s been a LOT of regret for the last decade from me and I’m already in my 40s. I guess I’m at least mindful of it so now I will try to remedy things and make myself happy when I can even if it’s just taking that random trip to Greece or wherever, but obviously doing those things alone with no family is not like it would’ve been going at age 27 with friends or a fiance.

    11. Being too casual about my last fling and thus making it too easy for him to call it off when he encountered a little bump. I have hope it might someday have a second life, though.

    12. Chickening out and not attending that top-tier school where I was one of a very small percent who was accepted.

      Turning down my hot male college BFF when he asked me out. He was wild in a lot of ways but remains loyal to this day and we still click. I ended up marrying his friend. BFF is still single and has a fascinating if unconventional life now and I sometimes wonder what if.

      Worrying about what other people thought of me, especially family. Life is too short to live scared of their opinions.

    13. 1) Not going to college in a different city than the one I grew up in (and still live near). I wish I’d given myself more of a chance to explore life in a different part of the country.
      2) Quitting my semi-boring but stable job to go back to grad school. I ended up hating the program, leaving and taking a new job that is moderately more interesting than the old one, but with less security.

    14. Not applying to more schools, being lazy/pretty sure I’d get into my top choice, and not doing so and forever having to say I went to what to me is a crappy school.

      Not studying abroad in college.

      Not sleeping around more and being in a (crappy) longterm relationship in my 20s.

      Not leaving longterm relationships when red flags/incompatibility started to emerge because I was in love and/or didn’t want to hurt the other person.

      Not taking more risks/making more mistakes when I was younger and it was easier to recover from them.

    15. Not even considering study abroad in college because I was too concerned with missing out on a semester or a year at my ivy that I was way too obsessed with for status reasons.
      Not living in London for 6 months in my career. It was something that was offered at my biglaw firm but I didn’t want to chance it as you’d have to do different work to go over there. And now I’m old and that ship has sailed.

    16. Marrying my husband. He sucks in bed, refuses to learn, thinks I am a jerk for saying that he owes me what he has been given, and thinks I am wrong about absolutely everything until third parties (e.g. marriage counselors, friends, his own parents) tell him he’s wrong. Oh and I moved across the country for his job.

      2. I’m so sorry! Sending you lots of love and hopefully you can get divorced from him soon (or that he can grow up). Is this a new thing? How did he entrap you?

    17. 1. Staying with my ex-bf for way too long because I was his only real source of support.
      2. Focusing too much on my personal life/relationship rather than my professional life.
      3. Not leaving law sooner!

    18. Not being a little more out of control in my youth. I had a lot of fun in college, but I wish I had had that attitude more in high school and my very early 20s. I’m naturally kind of serious but then once I’m having fun I have a lot of fun, which is fine, but wish I had loosened up a bit earlier. I’m a people pleasing responsible eldest daughter, with a bit of a rebellious streak that I didn’t find until I was mid 20s and there was nothing good to rebel against.

      I also don’t like casual sex so I don’t partake but I think it would have been fun to have a few one night stands. But I know I wouldn’t enjoy them so I never did.

    19. No regrets. The things that hurt are all things I couldn’t control: family dynamics from before I was born, fertility problems, etc.

  25. There’s no sense in getting to the airport before the airport’s website says the ticket counters or security lanes are open, right? I’m flying internationally at 6 am tomorrow but the airport’s website says ticket counters don’t open until 3:30 and security opens at 4. Given the horror stories about airport delays recently, I wanted to be there 3 hours before the flight but I don’t want to sit around for 30 minutes. We have to check a bag. Flying business class with precheck/global entry. Also anyone know if it’s a problem to get an Uber at like 3 am (in a suburban area where bars close at 1)?

    1. if you have precheck and global entry, you don’t need to be at the airport three hours ahead. getting there by 4 will be loads of time.

    2. If you have precheck you don’t need to be there 3 hours early even if the ticket counters were open. I haven’t been more than 2 hours early to an international flight in my entire life and have never had any issues (and yes I’ve flown a bunch this year). I normally cut it even closer than 2 hours because I’m carry-on only, but would do the full 2 hours because you have checked bags. Precheck security takes 15 minutes, max. Usually it’s more like 5 minutes. The only reason I would want to be so early would be to enjoy the lounge if you have access to your airline’s premium lounges because you’re flying international business (e.g., United’s Polaris lounges). Those lounges can be really nice and often have better food than what you’ll get on the plane, even in business class.

    3. In my area (small city), I’ve seen a lot of posts on Nextdoor and Reddit recently about people who couldn’t get early morning Ubers to the airport. There’s no point in getting there before they open, but if you anticipate issues with Uber or parking, I’d give a bit more time.

    4. You need to check a bag at the counter, so don’t arrive before the counters open! At least my local international airport doesn’t seem to have the drop at the curb services in years past. I never see an agent at the curbside.

      1. ORD does, but I doubt it’s open before the counters open. I’m never at the airport at that time of day.

    5. 1. Schedule the Uber now for whatever time you want to be picked up. We LOVE this feature for early flights.
      2. Flying business, there will be a dedicated area for priority baggage check in theory…but if insufficient staff show up, you’ll be in line with everyone anyway.
      3. I would probably get there at 3:30 but there may be people who arrive earlier and camp out in line.

      Which airport? People here could probably chime in with recent experience…

      1. I’m the one who posted above about people in my city not able to get early morning Ubers, so just an FYI- scheduling in advance doesn’t actually guarantee you’ll get a ride. If no drivers are available at the time, you’ll still be out of luck. In a big city I doubt it will be a problem, but in suburbs and smaller areas it’s more likely to be an issue.

    6. Definitely no need to get there before the counters open. And yes, you’ll be able to get an Uber in the middle of the night – just allow a little more time.

    7. Get there at 4 – usually the earliest flights are least likely to be delayed leaving the origin airport, and security should be a relative breeze with global entry.

    9. yeah, I did this once and arrived before the counters were open. Stood there like a dumdum in a dead airport, waiting for things to happen, me and a band of weirdos being eyed by the security guard. Then, after checking my bag, stood there waiting for security to get settled and start their work. Then, after security, stood there waiting for the coffee cart to open for business.

    10. You can preschedule an Uber or Lyft! And if you’re flying business class the bag check line will be much shorter, usually.

  26. I think this is 100% about compatibility and expectations being aligned. If gardening is not important to either person, it’s not going to play a big role in the relationship, and likewise if both partners place high importance. The misery comes from a mismatch of desires, which causes one or both people to feel unhappy/dissatisfied.

    1. I can’t imagine feeling the same way over years in a long term relationship though! Even just physically.

      And I’m not really wired for short term relationships.

  27. Can anyone suggest a small leather lightweight crossbody purse? My new normal is having a super small lightweight baggalini crossbody and placing it in a tote bag or backpack when more room is needed, or when it’s a short day trip, or taking it on its own (and husband carrying larger items, like water for me:) the key is that the leather and strap are not too heavy. I carry cards, phone, small solid sunscreen for reapplying, sanitizer, cliffbar, lipstick, hair ties, mask, pen and house keys. The nylon bagalini crossbody is great with lots of zippers, but I wanted a leather alternative to add to the mix. I was thinking Kate spade or coach, but if anyone knows of a soft light weight, supple leather brand, that would be great to know! Thank you.

    1. I would search for a vintage coach bag. the older ones have really sturdy leather but not super heavy and are very classic. the newer bags (not jsut coach) have a lot of hardware and will be heavy.

      LV epi leather bucket bag would be a nice option too if you want pricier

  28. Is anyone in NC? I keep hearing on NPR how the Green Party has been kicked off of the ballot by the Democrats even though they have enough signatures, etc. I don’t vote Green, but I think they have a legit grievance here. [And, honestly, keeping the Green Party alive would let the D party get centrist enough to win elections, at least in a purple state like NC.] It’s a bad look.

    1. Yes. There’s some question of possibly fraudulent signatures. Board of Elections says they’re still investigating. Republicans are supporting the Greens. It’ll be litigated. Honestly I lose track of the number of things related to elections that get litigated in this state (I’ve forgotten how many lawsuits related to gerrymandering there have been the last few years…). And I don’t know if their grievance is legit or not until the fraud issue gets sorted, but Greens on the ballot would hurt the Dems more than help here. The Dems are mostly already quite centrist, except local people in some of the more liberal cities. It’s the Republicans who are on the fringes (read up on our crazy Lt. Gov as Exhibit A). I doubt anyone who was wavering between the Republican and Democrats would go with the democrats because the greens make them look centrist.

    2. I question whether our centrist candidates actually attract independents or win over Republicans more than they depress turnout. Even people disgusted with the Republicans are not therefore going to vote for Democrats (especially with abortion as a divisive issue). As for depressing turnout, didn’t NC just rank dead last in a ranking of best states for worker protections? A lot of working class and service class people are pretty demoralized in Carolina right now.

  29. How did you plan out your chidren? Did you start trying right away after marriage? I’m mid 30s and divorced after a short term marriage in my 20s. I’ve been dating someone for 6 months and feel he is “the one”. We both want to have kids. He can see us married within a year and trying immediately. I worry that having a kid right after marriage could put stress on the relationship, but I also don’t want to wait too long.

    1. We got engaged after 6 months and married 6 months later, with a honeymoon baby! I was a few years older than you at 38 so we felt the pressure. The first few months of marriage were tough with all of those changes – first time for me with living with someone, and add on top being pregnant and newly married! But it all worked out and was worth it! It helped that we were aligned on values and priorities. Also assuming good intentions!

    3. I think the older you get, the less input you get into this decision because biology will make it for you to a certain extent.

    4. My advice is to have a few months of marriage before pregnancy hormones kick in. Start charting your cycles now and determine if there are any obvious problems. Talk to your OB-GYN. Read TCOYF.

    5. I think this is an unpopular opinion, but I would not have wanted to try right after getting married. You need time to settle into married life. My husband and I were married almost 8 years before we had our child, although we got married fairly young (26). But even if we’d gotten married in our 30s, I think I would have wanted to wait at least 1 year before TTC. Although I was not someone who desperately felt like I needed biological children. I thought having a kid would be fun (and indeed, I have enjoyed it very much) but I wouldn’t have been devastated about not being able to have any and I was always pretty sure I only wanted one, which gave me more time. If you desperately want children and are very confident you want 2 or more, then there’s more time pressure.

    6. Talk to a doctor if you want, but waiting could easily mean missing the opportunity. The window closes sooner for women who haven’t had children before than for women who have.

      1. Interesting. I haven’t heard that before about window closing later for women who had kids earlier (although it is consistent with what I see in my friend group). Do you know the reason for this?

      2. Based on the number of moms I know struggling with secondary infertility in their mid-late 30s and the number of nulliparous women I know who’ve gotten accidentally pregnant at 38+ I’m not sure this is true…

    7. Everything puts stress on a relationship once you are an adult with real adult problems. Baby. Infertility. Job loss. Chronic illness. I’d just go for it. In the mean time, you can go to your OB and ask for preconception counseling and find out if you have any loose ends to wrap up, health-wise. I got married at 36 and pulled the goalie and just used c*ndoms b/c I didn’t want any weirdness coming off the pill.

    8. Having kids will put stress on the relationship no matter when. In the modern world, I don’t think the “first days of marriage” are all that different from serious dating, since most couples are sleeping together and spending nights together if not living together. It’s not like 100 years ago where early marriage were the first time you ever saw your partner in PJs, or grumpy in the morning, or had fights over who left their socks on the floor.

      Teal deer: we started trying right away and have no regrets (it still took a year and a half for baby #1 to come). Remember pregnancy lasts 9 months which is a huge amount of time. It’s not like you TTC and go home with a baby the next day.

    9. You are both adults. Presumably you’ve already done the growing up that couples who marry at 25 need to do before having kids, it’s just that you did that growing up separately instead of together. I wouldn’t wait if I really wanted kids.

    10. I was married at 27 and accidentally (read: drunkenly) got pregnant on my honeymoon. It did put stress on the early years of our marriage, but looking back from the vantage point of 15 years later, most of the stress was due to our financial situation. Because we had already been living together, the getting-used-to-each-other part was not terribly hard.

      As 30-somethings you probably have more financial stability than we did back then, so that may be less of an issue for you. And the truth is that there’s no insulating a marriage from stress, from parenthood or otherwise.

    11. I was divorced and started dating my now husband when I was 33. We got married a few days before my 35th birthday and we started trying for kids right away. It was the right call as I had a miscarriage before our first successful pregnancy. I was 36 and 37 when our kids were born and those years are a blur but I’m so glad we did it.

    12. My take — You’ll face stress no matter what (hi, cancer for me, job loss for my sibling’s partner). There are lots of good reasons not to have kids right away (financial stability, etc.), but I wouldn’t worry about that source of stress vs. all the other options.

  30. Anyone read My Body by Emily Ratajkowski? She spoke so much about being devalued by men, and how her husband was someone who she finally felt safe with. It came out they’re getting a divorce because he’s a serial cheater and kind of a dog, which just made me feel so sad for her.

    1. Oh wow – that’s terrible. I haven’t read the book but have read excerpts and heard a few interviews. I know very little about her personally but it’s kind of a weird bummer when supposedly happy couples break up. Yet another reason I’d never want to be famous. I think it just makes relationships really difficult.

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