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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tipped Button-Front Cardigan

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A woman wearing a black blazer and white pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

While the Anniversary Sale is kicking off over at Nordstrom, I always like to take a look at Nordstrom Rack to see if there are any good deals to be had. I’ve had really good luck over the last few years finding some great items over at the old Rack while everyone else is distracted with the NAS.

This Adrianna Papell cardigan jumped out at me as a perfect choice for those days where a blazer is too formal but you definitely need a topper of some kind. I like the contrasting detailing and patch pockets on the front.

The cardigan is $29.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in cream.

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

384 Comments

    1. Put your cover letter into chatgpt and ask for three suggestions for first sentences that are [add adjectives you are looking for — crisp, inviting, compelling etc.].

    2. Dearest Gentle Reader… jkjk, this is what Chat GPT is really good at though as an aside, I read a lot recently and what I’m most looking for is explanations that close any gaps between the actual role and your resume. like if the role is in Texas and all the resume shows is Missouri schools and jobs, or if you’re shifting careers.

    3. The best I have ever come up with is something like “I am writing in consideration of your open position for assistant general counsel at Widget Manufacturing.” From there, super brief summary of qualifications, and then my next paragraph(s) outline specific experience.

      It is not great, but I think it could be worse.

      1. I’ve always used a line similar to that. I think you want to get to the point and not try to be cutesy.

    4. I don’t think it needs to be “clever” – have used “The Corporate Counsel role at X caught my eye / immediately interested me” or similar. It makes for a good tr-nsition into the reason you’d be a great fit for the role.

    5. Dear hiring manager, I am excited to apply for the xyz position at Your Organization.

      Don’t overthink it! What comes after the opening is much more impactful.

  2. Since COVID, I’ve been more of a camper than a foreign city tourist. But I’m heading in a city trip (Austria, Germany) in a week. Miscellaneous: hooded raincoat instead of umbrella? I have a rain cape but it is heavy and takes a ton of bag space. Instead of waterproof shoes just bringing 2 pairs of shoes and then will have classic crocs as slippers / shoes of last resort. Going with lightweight pants instead of shorts.

    And unrelated ask: if you are a medium-sized pear, what do you like in pants / shorts at Title 9? I’m assuming I’m probably a large there if I’m a M at Athleta for bottoms.

    1. I would bring a hooded raincoat but only a tiny travel umbrella. You can always buy a larger one there or borrow from your hotel if you have a lot of rain. Unless the forecast predicts lots of rain, I’d skip rain boots and bring sneakers that are somewhat water resistant (aka leather not canvas).

      1. +1 hotels and airbnbs should have an umbrella you can borrow, so I would just bring a rain coat. Sneakers work fine for all but extremely heavy rain.

    2. Buy Kiwi waterproofing spray – works to help sneakers from getting waterlogged.

      I always feel like a damp sweaty rag relying on a coat instead of an umbrella.

      1. Same. I don’t even own a raincoat because of this.

        Tiny umbrella and maybe a waterproof hat with a brim? I hate rain on my head, plus it spots up my glasses, so even a baseball cap to keep rain off my face helps.

    3. I’d do breathable raincoat. Europe has been hot (and weird – lots of thunderstorms) all summer.

    4. Hello from another Germany-Austria traveler! I go in two weeks. Are you also seeing Taylor?!

      2. What do you all plan to use for day packs or bags? Belt bag? Maybe carry a pack able tote in case you buy thing but smaller zipped bag for phone and essentials? Too many choices.

        1. I like a belt bag with a small reusable shopper in it. I do a lot of European city trips and I just like having my stuff close to me.

        2. I just spent 10 days in Italy and I used the Uniqlo round mini shoulder bag that was featured here recently for this. It’s lightweight, not too big but big enough to hold my phone/sunglasses/extra sunscreen, and I felt secure wearing it crossbody with it close to the front of my torso. I did have a packable tote that I took along a couple of days when we knew we’d be shopping. Next trip I would probably keep the tote on hand all the time because you have to pay for bags many places.

    6. At T9 you need to determine the actual brand of the item (not sure whether they still hide this information, but they used to) and find that brand’s size chart. Sizing varies greatly by item.

  3. Anyone else been reading the NYT’s best books of the 21st century each day this week? I’ve read 43, which included a few I didn’t really love, and there were some on the list I quit part way through, but also a lot of my favorites: Station Eleven, Bel Canto, Wolf Hall, Lincoln in the Bardo, Atonement, The Fifth Season, The Warmth of Other Suns… it’s definitely given me a lot more books for my to read list!

    https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2024/books/best-books-21st-century.html

    1. I’ve read 27 which I’m slightly surprised about (how low) but I don’t read a ton of books by men. I think I read less literary fiction in my teens and early 20s than I do now.

      1. I’ve only read 21 of them! I was also surprised because I read a lot, and a lot of literary fiction. But yeah I don’t really read male authors that much, so that knocks out about half the list presumably.

        There are a lot of great contemporary literary fiction authors that didn’t make the list at all: Sally Rooney, Anthony Marra, Amor Towles, Nathan Hill, Colum McCann, Madeline Miller, Celeste Ng, Brit Bennett, Jennifer Haigh, Lauren Groff, Jhumpa Lahiri.

        I would have had at least one book from each of those people. And Bel Canto is one of my least favorite Patchetts.

        1. I agree, I would have definitely included Sally Rooney, Anthony Marra, Amor Towles, Colum McCann, Madeline Miller, Lauren Groff, and Jhumpa Lahiri.

          But I find it so strange when people say that they don’t read male authors. I agree that my reading skews female, especially for fiction (much less so for nonfiction), but I do think you’re missing out if you systematically exclude any group of people. Anthony Marra, Amor Towles, Colum McCann, James McBride, Percival Everett, Colson Whitehead, Kazuo Ishiguro, George Saunders, Patrick Radden Keefe, Matthew Desmond, Richard Powers, Ian McEwan, Hernan Diaz, Andrew Solomon, and Viet Thanh Nguyen have all written books worth reading.

          And The Corrections was #5. I do actually like Franzen, but I can see why people don’t. I can go both ways on Roth, but I liked The Plot Against America and don’t mind it being on the list.

          1. It’s not that I won’t read any male authors (I have read many of the authors you named) but 95% of my school reading was male authors. I’m making a conscious choice to seek out minority and female voices once I can vote with my dollars.
            Plus I’m just flat out sick of having (mostly) male authors have zero idea of how to write female characters, writing entire books that feature almost no women (or including women in only the most generic ways – wife/mother/child), or using women’s suffering as a plot device to advance your male character’s journey.

          2. I’m the 9:45 poster who said I don’t really read men, and it’s not that I say “ew a male author, I won’t read it.” It’s just that the books I’m drawn to are mostly written by women, even the among the more “literary” books. I do love Marra, Towles, McCann (and Nathan Hill) and will read anything any of those guys write. And non-fiction is a totally separate category for me and most of the non-fiction I read is written by men, including Radden Keefe, who’s great. I probably will check out some of the male authors on this list that I was previously unfamiliar with, but generally when I hear about a fiction book and think “I want to read it” it’s 95% odds it was written by a woman.

          3. I don’t have it as a rule, but definitely 80% of my reading is women. My non-fiction reading is 20% on a good year. I read so much for work, I want a story.
            I just hate the angsty 40-something white man in NYC who write about 40-something white men in NYC books that get so much attention. I read a ton in translation, and probably read more men here.

          4. After doing an English degree where the only opportunity I got to study women authors was if I specifically took a class on female authors, I’m also done reading books by men.

          5. “After doing an English degree where the only opportunity I got to study women authors was if I specifically took a class on female authors”

            Ugh I hate this. Our high school’s reading lists are still heavily biased towards male authors (better than when I was in high school and we read 95% men, but still probably >75% men) and it drives me crazy. I plan to be ‘that mom’ about it when my kids get to those classes. There is no reason in 2024 that you can’t have gender-balanced and racially diverse reading lists.

        2. Yeah I was a bit surprised, no Sally Rooney, no Patricia Lockwood, none of the Greek retellings.

      2. The best one by a man I’ve read from the list is Heavy by Kiese Laymon. I read it because Roxane Gay recommended it and if she told me to walk the plank I would.

      3. I’ve only read 26 which doesn’t surprise me as I also don’t read many books by men and I really dislike Chabon, Franzen, and most of the other ‘great’ literary male writers from that time period. I also simply don’t have the energy and inclination to read a lot of the big doorstop non-fiction books they included.

          4. Franzen is annoying. I did read The Corrections but thought it could have been a lot shorter.

        2. Oh god Franzen. I hate-read my way through one of his novels on vacation a year or so ago and – the man has zero understanding of women. I don’t even know why he tries to write about them/us. So incredibly frustrating.

        3. Chabon is my neighbor. Nice guy in person. I read Telegraph Avenue because it’s local but I’m not super into his style. I like his wife’s (Ayelet Waldman) writing better!

          1. I don’t think Kavalier and Clay is his best, by far – Wonder Boys is great, and written in a much more naturalistic style, but it was published in 1995.

          3. Off topic, but have you seen her quilts? Sometimes they are unveiled outside for Instagram videos.

      4. I was also surprised how low my number was – I read 80-100 books a year and read a pretty good mix of commercial and literary fiction. I similarly ready few books by men, and I rarely read nonfiction or memoirs, which pretty much explains it. The list made me reconsider my position on memoirs and I now have a big to read list at my local library.

      5. +1 to not reading many male authors. I don’t even consciously try most of the time, I’m just usually not drawn to them.

    2. Thanks for sharing! I hadn’t seen it. A few of my favorites are on there (The Great Believers, Olive Kitteridge, Small Things Like These) but mostly the books on the list that I’ve read don’t stand out for me. My favorite book of the 21st century is A Place for Us (actually edited by SJP, who was one of the judges for this).

      I couldn’t believe Jesmyn Ward appeared THREE times when there are so many excellent writers who didn’t make the cut at all. I liked the one book of hers I read (Sing Unburied Sing) but I would have not done repeats let alone putting someone on thrice. I also side-eye having Elena Ferrante on there twice. I’ve never gotten the hype about her.

    3. I am only partway through reading the list but was so excited to see it. I have been gravitating toward lighter reads lately as a relief from the darkness of the news and feel bad I haven’t read some of the listed books that were no doubt great. I was actually surprised Bel Canto made the list. I did not love it.

      1. I love Ann Patchett’s writing in general but that book was very blah for me. Commonwealth and Tom Lake are both much better (though the latter may have been too recent to be considered?)

        1. Same, I really wanted to love Bel Canto because I enjoyed other Ann Patchett books, but I dropped it halfway through and didn’t pick it up again, which is rare for me.

          1. It was soooo boring. And I’m someone who loves a slow burn book that’s not very heavy on plot.

          2. A lot of these comments are gratifying; I feel like starting my own anti-hype list.I couldn’t get into Bel Canto at all; find Ferrante convoluted and depressing and have never finished one; and REALLY don’t get the Rooney hype while generally loving Irish literature/settings.

            Looking forward to seeing more opinions pop up!

          3. I really loved Normal People but all the subsequent Rooneys left me feeling disappointed (especially CWF, which I hated).

          4. These comments are super interesting because I loved Bel Canto, but have struggled with several of her other books.

          5. I can’t read Sally Rooney because of the writing style. Not using quotation marks to be arty or whatever is so pretentious.

          6. I don’t know what it says about me but I didn’t even notice the lack of quotation marks in Rooney books until I read a comment about it long after I’d finished Normal People.

      2. I think there are weird things that happen for authors that have many well regarded books vs. authors that have one clear hit. The companion piece suggested that the Harry Potter books collectively got enough votes to make the list, but were split across several books. The first two Wolf Hall books made it, though I actually think the third is best. I think the Ann Patchett vote would have been spread across Bel Canto, Tom Lake, and the Dutch House, but Bel Canto is older and more people have read it (and I do actually like it best). James McBride was oddly missing, and I personally would have included The God Lord Bird on my list, but I bet a lot of people would have voted for The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store or Deacon King Kong. I’m sure there are other similar examples I haven’t noticed.

          3. My very favorite is Deacon King Kong, and it’s the one I started with. Heaven and Earth Grocery Store is really popular lately, but I think DKK is much better.

      3. I get obsessed with authors and went through a big Ann Patchett phase. Actually Bel Canto got me into her! I’ve read it all now, I really like The Dutch House & recommend that one.

    4. I’ve scanned the articles and just went through the list. I’ve read 18 though several of these are on my to-read list.

      Honestly was disappointed in the list; I didn’t love Bel Canto either and while I find Elena Ferrante entertaining I don’t think her novels are the best of the century by any means.

      1. I agree about Ferrante. I read them all, but firmly in my like not love category and don’t quite understand the hype.

        1. I loved the Neapolitan novels so much, but any of the other Ferrante novels I have rate I do not like at all. I think this speaks to the controversy and mystery around the writing of the Neapolitan novels.

    5. I enjoyed the series this week! But I thought non-fiction and fiction should have been separate lists and there were way too many books by men. I was also surprised by the #1 choice – I thought it was going to be Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead.

      1. I do agree about the fiction vs. nonfiction. I read a lot of both, but find it hard to directly compare them. I think there’s actually a slight majority of books by women on the list, at least if you count Elena Ferrante as a woman.

      2. I agree about splitting fiction vs non. The only non-fiction on this list I’ve read is “Say Nothing” and it was great (and the author is definitely one of the best non-fiction writers of the 21st century), but it’s really hard to compare it to the fiction.

        1. Agree. Though of the non fiction books I was thrilled to see Nickel and Dimed. It was SO well written and imho should be required reading in high schools.

    7. Going through the list was fun! Honestly, more fun than some of the books on the list that I had read. Some of my least favorite reads in adulthood are on there (Heavy, The Fifth Season). I also wish they had separated out non-fiction, which is more my thing.

    8. None of these books are what I want to spend my free time reading and the whole list reminded me why I’ve never stuck with a book club.

      1. Most book clubs aren’t really geared towards Serious Books. My local library has ones exclusively for romance books and fantasy books.

        1. My book club spends about 10 minutes max talking about the book each time we meet. It’s really just an excuse to be social :)

          1. Y’all, I know. Missing the point. My point is these are precisely the kind of books I find pretentious and dull. Life is short and the number of DNFs on that list is high.

          2. Geez, I was just talking about my book club, I wasn’t trying to argue with you. Chill out.

      2. I definitely have to mix up my literary fiction reading with lighter stuff, and there are some books I found to be a slog and gave up on, but I think the good ones are worth it. The category that I truly have no patience for is short stories, which I just find insufferably pretentious. Give me a doorstop of a tragic, epic novel any day, at least that’s something I can sink my teeth into! Lincoln in the Bardo is one of my all time favorites, but I’ve not been able to make it through any of his short stories (I did read his one on Russian short stories and hated it).

    9. 27 for me. I’ve been reading ~100 books/year for the past few years, but the earlier period covered was required reading for college and years of lower volume reading. but it’s helpful because I’ve been meaning to go back to that period and catch up on the earlier 2000s

    10. Anyone want to share their own top l0, 20, whatever lists? I took a look at my Goodreads and I’d say these are my top 20 (in no particular order), only one of which is on the NYT list.

      Molokai by Alan Brennert
      The Condition by Jennifer Haigh
      11/22/63 by Stephen King
      Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter
      A Constellation of Vital Phenomena by Anthony Marra
      A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
      Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
      The Female Persuasion by Meg Wolitzer
      A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza
      The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel
      Love and Ruin by Paula McLain
      The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai
      Long Bright River by Liz Moore
      Anxious People by Frederik Backman
      She Said by Jodi Kantor and Meghan Twohey
      The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennet
      Know My Name by Chanel Miller (it’s criminal this wasn’t on the NYT list imo — best memoir I’ve ever read)
      The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
      If You Think It I’ll Say It by Curtis Sittenfeld
      Where the Forest Meets the Stars by Glendy Vanderah (pretty sure this was a rec from here, and thank you to whoever recommended it … I still think about it all the time)

      2. I can’t come up with a long list on the fly but I will recommend anything by Margaret Atwood, starting with The Robber Bride. I’ve read and loved everything Curtis Sittenfeld has written. Roxane Gay is my hero(ine). If you want something super light, pick up Kevin Kwan’s latest, Lies and Weddings. The best non-fiction I have read lately includes Empire of Pain by Patrick Keefe and In Love by Amy Bloom.

        Would love recommendations of memoirs.

      3. You make a great point – I’m surprised by the omission of Know My Name and Gentleman in Moscow (or at least *a* Towles).

        1. I am apparently a weirdo because I loved Bel Canto but I found Gentleman in Moscow a complete slog.

          1. I don’t think that’s weird. I enjoyed both but AGIM much more. But different books grab different people. The setting in which you read it also matters, imo. I read AGIM the first few weeks of my daughter’s life when I was doing very little besides sitting in a chair and nursing a baby, so I was kind of a captive audience. Not sure I would have connected with it the same way if I’d, say, packed it for a kid-free beach vacation.

      4. Fiction (I got stuck at 15):
        A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
        American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld
        Atonement by Ian McEwan
        Babel by R. F. Kuang
        Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
        Circe by Madeline Miller
        Djinn Patrol on the Purple Line by Deepa Anappara
        Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
        Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel
        The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
        The Good Lord Bird by James McBride
        The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai
        The Mirror & the Light by Hilary Mantel
        The Overstory by Richard Powers
        Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks

        Nonfiction:
        An Immense World by Ed Yong
        Empire of Pain by Patrick Radden Keefe
        Evicted by Matthew Desmond
        Into the Silence by Wade Davis
        Know My Name by Chanel Miller
        The Best Minds by Jonathan Rosen
        The Invisible Kingdom by Meghan O’Rourke
        The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson
        Under a White Sky by Elizabeth Kolbert
        When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

        (I could have also included several Erik Larson or David Grann books here, but couldn’t decide on one. I prefer my nonfiction to be more science or history, categories that didn’t appear much on the NYT list. Not a huge memoir fan, though I agree Know My Name is great)

          1. If you liked Yellowface, you should try Erasure by Percival Everett! It’s #20 on the linked NYT list, and it’s in my top 5 favorite books of all time. I think you’ll love it.

          3. I just finished Yellowface, and it was the third book I’ve read about someone stealing a dead person’s novel. So I was ultimately disappointed, since that particular plot seems overdone recently.

      5. The Namesake is so good.

        On the NYT list, my picks were H is for Hawk and Year of Magical Thinking.

    11. Yes, and the complete lack of Hernan Diaz shocked me. Trust was a huge hit, and In The Distance was an editorial favorite.

    12. I was surprised that I’ve only read 20 of the books on the list, but I loved almost all of them. Some of my faves are the ones you listed, Anon.

      I’ve got a project going right now where I’m trying to read all the books I’ve purchased but not read yet, and there are around 5 from the NYT list that I’ve already got on my shelves! After I’m finished with that project, I’ve added a lot to my wishlist from this list. There are many that I’ve been “wanting to read,” so now I need to do it.

      I think Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi should have been on the list, and also Deacon King Kong. For me, those are the two biggest omissions. I also think James will have a place on lists like this in the future, but I understand it was probably published too recently to include on this one.

    13. I was most impressed with the design of the whole thing–it was pretty and interactive and just fun to scroll through each day. It was also fun to see the different authors’ lists, and I’d love for them to publish more of other people’s lists.
      I’ve read 30 on the list and really liked most of what I’ve read.
      – Loved: Americanah, Life After Life, Station Eleven, Middlesex, Heavy, Small Things Like These, Between the World and Me, The Fifth Season, Salvage the Bones, Sing Unburied Sing, Pachinko, Never Let Me Go, a mercy, Behind the Beautiful Forevers, Say Nothing
      – Liked but didn’t love: Nickel and Dimed, The Sympathizer, Tomorrow x 3, Exit West, Kavalier and Clay, My Brilliant Friend, The Year of Magical Thinking
      – Slogs: Trust, Cloud Atlas, Lincoln in the Bardo, Wolf Hall, Atonement.
      – Liked at the time but not sure how I’d feel now: The Goldfinch, Bel Canto
      I am surprised at some of the authors who didn’t make the list–Lauren Groff mainly, but also Maggie O’Farrell, Tommy Orange, Britt Bennett, Jhumpa Lahiri, Celeste Ng, James McBride. I’d vote for Nathan Hill (I loved The Nix), but he seems to fly under the radar.

      1. I mentioned Nathan Hill above! I agree he flies under the radar for some reason, but I’ve loved both of his books. Definitely read Wellness if you liked The Nix.

      2. Oh, and I would have included How the Word is Passed by Clint Smith. Maybe not in the top, but somewhere between 21 and 100.

      3. I also thought Wolf Hall was a slog, but I truly loved the other two, so they can be worth a try if you’re at all inclined to give them a chance. I have no idea what was different, maybe you just have to be in the right mood? And as someone who also liked but didn’t love The Sympathizer, I just watched the tv adaptation and really enjoyed it. Station Eleven was also a great tv show (and book).

        1. I do wonder if maybe the Neapolitan novels and Wolf Hall etc should have been included as a series instead of taking up multiple spots on the list.

    14. I was surprised how many books on this list I tried to read but quit part way through. Bel Canto, Lincoln in the Bardo, the Corrections, anything David Mitchell, etc. I know I’m the outlier on those books but I couldn’t get through them.

      Absolutely agree with Atonement being on this list, but I would have put it higher. And so many books here I haven’t read, so it gave me some good ideas for my library wish list.

      1. Oh and also very happy to see Nickeled and Dimed on the list. Agree with the poster above that this should be required reading in school.

        1. I tend to eat those up (Dostoevsky, Conrad, even Dickens) but cannot seem to finish any literary fiction by still living male authors… or Americans I guess, since I never made it through a novel written by a male American without it being assigned by school (Melville, Hawthorne, Hemingway, Faulkner are all “well if it’s assigned for course credit” for me).

          1. Writing that out, I think I just like “popular best sellers” that now count as literary because they’re old and were the best from their time, vs. anything written with a goal to be literature!

        1. Or not! It’s okay for people not to be drawn to the books we like. I happen to LOVE Bel Canto, but I understand why someone wouldn’t be drawn to it.

          1. +1 I enjoyed Bel Canto, but I’ve rarely had a good experience trying to pick up a book I put down the first time.

    15. Thanks for this! I’ve read 20 but put at least 35 on my want to read list.

      The 20 I have read have all been wonderful so it gives me high hopes for the rest of the list.

    16. My favorite part of the whole 100 Best Books, is reading the individual Authors’ Top 10 lists, and I have to be honest, I might have squealed a little to see Sarah MacLean’s list.
      Also – I tried reading my Brilliant Friend, and it was such. a. slog, full of hateful people. Are the rest of the books any better?
      I’ve enjoyed many books on this list, but I’m glad there are so many different kinds of books out there in the world for to read and not just the ones on this list.

      1. Ah I didn’t realize you could see the author’s top 10 lists, thanks for sharing that. My list most closely matches SJP’s and Curtis Sittenfeld’s (not a surprise, since she’s probably my favorite author). It’s nice to see some thrillers and lighter, less traditionally “literary” books on the individual lists. Also laughing at Stephen King picking his own book!

        1. Also what is Scott Turow thinking with 4 of his top 10 being Elena Ferrante novels!? Even if you love the books, pick something else!

        2. He wasn’t the only one to pick his own book! I also caught that Stephanie Land picked Maid (which I liked, but wouldn’t put in a top 10) and Annette Gordon-Reed chose The Hemingses of Monticello, which has been on my to read list forever, but I haven’t actually read it. I suspect many other voters were the same about the weightier nonfiction books, which is probably why this list includes so little nonfiction besides memoirs. A real nonfiction list would almost certainly have included it, and would have been interesting to see (and I should actually read her book, I bought it years ago!).

      2. I love seeing the authors’ Top 10 lists, and how the NYT noted when their picks made the Top 100 list. I want to see the lists for more of the people polled! It would be interesting to see how picks differed across the industry (academics vs editors vs authors). And if my taste seems to align with someone’s, I like to see what else they enjoyed!

    17. I’m shocked that I”ve only read 14 of the books on the list, but I’ve read other works by several of the listed authors and (shamefacedly admitting) I own but haven’t read quite a few others on the list (looking at you, Elena Ferrante). Delighted to see Station Eleven on the list and thrilled to see The Warmth of Other Suns ranked so high.

      1. I’m here to make you feel better about owning some of these, even though you haven’t read them yet. My physical TBR pile is 163 books long. Yes, I BOUGHT AND PAID MONEY FOR 163 books I haven’t yet read!!! Yikes! A few of them were gifts but not enough to make this any less embarrassing. I’m the Anon above trying to read through my purchased-but-not-read books, and now you can see why!

    18. I’ve read almost none of them and probably never will even though I read a lot of books each year. I am just a firm believer that certain books speak to a given point in your life versus just running down specific lists. I have read year of magical thinking for instance but only after my mom died. Or in some cases, the book was by an author I liked but I’ve read other things by them.

  4. Microfiber sheets. I got because they were recommended for summer. Maybe they work better when it is ultra swampy or the A/C fails and you use a fan? BH refuses to sleep on them, says they feel like plastic. I don’t feel like they do but they definitely don’t feel like percale (which is frosty but that’s if the A/C has already chilled them). Save for camping maybe?

    1. Who recommended them? I think they’re generally not great for summer – polyester is not so breathable and makes you hot and sweaty.

    2. Personally dislike! Not for summer at all, percale is the way to go in summer.
      Microfiber is like sleeping in a plastic bag. Check reviews for breathability.

    3. Ugh, I would never recommend microfiber for summer (or any time!!). Percale is the best – crisp and cool.

    4. Yeah they are plastic BH(?) is right, they will make you a swampy sweaty mess because they don’t breathe

    5. My husband who runs very warm hates them, they just hold onto the heat. I use percale exclusively in the summer and swap to cotton sateen in winter.

        1. I think my husband is secretly pleased I’m entering perimenopause as it means I am finally ok with his preferred A/C settings (69 at night, which was previously frigid for me) and have swapped over to cotton percale sheets and a light muslin quilt.

    7. Definitely stick to cotton. I’ve heard bamboo sheets can also be cooling but haven’t tried those myself.

    8. I haven’t tried them, but we do linen sheets year round as my SO is a really warm sleeper.

    10. Personally I would donate them. I wouldn’t even save them for camping, since there’s no need for you to dread sleeping on them when you’re on a trip.

    11. I am a Pima cotton (Supima is a brand name for it) fan & will only buy Pima cotton sheets for life.

    12. definitely not microfiber!! i prefer linen for summer but if you like cold sheets go for the llbean crisp cotton ones.

  5. PSA: I don’t know if the brand Modern Citizen has been covered here, but if you haven’t taken a look at it, you should. The pieces are reasonably priced. I’d call them elevated basics. The tops have cool draping and the dresses are comfortable but structured.

    1. Thank you for sharing this!! I’ve had my eye on them (they are what I want Everlane to be) but hadn’t pulled the trigger because reviews were hard to come by.

  6. I saw a beautiful dress out in the wild yesterday and cannot find it online. I was a midi wrap chambray/denim dress with short sleeves. It looked perfectly casual and elegant at the same time. Love!

    1. Is it this?
      https://www.reddress.com/products/odyssey-within-medium-wash-chambray-wrap-midi-dress

      or this:

      https://piperandscoot.com/products/the-barnard-wrap-dress-in-washed-denim?variant=40714655400039&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&srsltid=AfmBOorrUSXbb9nFoRudVRi12t2i7ttMnpyddVXN46TmUOfq0v3CqtPe_Js&com_cvv=8fb3d522dc163aeadb66e08cd7450cbbdddc64c6cf2e8891f6d48747c6d56d2c

      While searching I found this, which is not what you described but I am obsessed.

      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/frame-gathered-tiered-midi-dress?category=dresses&color=041&type=STANDARD&quantity=1

      1. Oh that Frame dress is amazing. Fortunately for my wallet, it would look terrible on me.

    2. brooks brothers maybe? they have some with short sleeves; the skirts are on the fuller side, which I like.

  7. I would like to level up my clothes from Loft, Gap, BRF – but I am not sure what the next tier is. My style is pretty basic, preppy, and functional. I want to buy higher quality basics in mostly neutrals, with some color. Where to begin? My goal is for an event to pop up and I can go to my minimalist closet and find a quality outfit to wear. Instead, I usually comb all the sites for something to wear and fret about it. Does this life exist or are we all shopping all the time?

    2. Don’t laugh, but I have used chat gpt to build outfits. I basically say, “I have these options, build me a capsule wardrobe for X event.” It has helped me use what’s already in my closet. I feel like I’m pretty good at picking individual pieces but putting actual outfits together is harder for me.

    3. J. Crew? MM LaFleur? AYR, Modern Citizen (I hyped it above), the Colette line at Anthropologie.

    4. Bottoms: Start with good jeans – straight or slim cut in both a light wash and mid/dark wash (no whiskering, distressing, etc) from a higher-end brand (Agolde, Citizens of Humanity, Mother, etc). I’d also get some slim fit crepe pants in black and/or navy (Vince, Theory, The Fold). A high waisted, longer cut jean short in white or mid-blue wash will get you a lot of mileage.
      Tops: Get good quality basic cotton tees (Rag and Bone, ATM; white, grey, black) and keep them nice by washing on delicate and hang to dry. Also get some nicer blouses with prints (Doen, Sezane, Tuckernuck, etc) and solid colored button ups (white, light blue, colors that suit you; J crew, AYR, Sezane, etc) that you can wear tucked into the jeans or shorts. You can then add in a few blazers (Veronica beard, Brooks Brothers, J crew, Theory, ME+EM,) and cardigans to wear over the jeans or crepe pants.
      Shoe basics: white sneakers (leather and/or canvas), fun sneaker (Adidas sambas, Veja, etc), loafers (brown and/or black), slip on slide sandals (brown and/or black), low heeled almond toe pump (grey/black/navy), ballet flats

      1. And yes, what types of specific events? Weddings and other formal occasions will always require some shopping or renting. But I find I can nearly always put together an outfit from my wardrobe for most day to day events (friends birthday, dinner out, kids school event, bridal shower, work events/conferences/dinners/parties, etc).

      2. I mostly agree with this list but would drop the button-ups unless you are one of the very few people on whom they hang well. I’d also go for a mixture of straight-leg and wide-leg pants instead of just straight and slim. Blazers are good for work but tend to look stiff in a non-work setting. An oversized waist-length cardigan is a good topper, as is a bomber jacket or a waist-length military-style jacket in a washed cotton fabric. To the shoe basics I’d add a black bootie with a slim shaft that is high enough to slide under the pants hem. I would also add a couple of dresses, some flowy linen pants for summer, some slouchy pullover sweaters for winter, a couple of tank tops, and a leather jacket for fun. I would choose mostly solid neutral colors in either a cool (black, navy, gray, white, cool olive) or a warm (cognac, tan, cream, warm olive) palette depending on your coloring. One or two printed tops or dresses, a striped sweater, and a couple of non-neutral tees or tanks are enough.

        A great handbag can really make an outfit. I am partial to the Clare V Moyen Messenger. I have one in a winter color and one in a summer color that I carry all the time. If most of your clothing is neutral, a “pop of color” bag can have a great impact. Don’t neglect your outerwear either. Classic is great. If you want to go trendy (e.g., a slouchy shape or a fashion color), make sure it’s high-quality and simply cut. Lots of flaps, buttons, buckles, etc. will cheapen the look. Finally, belts seem to be back in style and can help a basic outfit to look “finished.”

    5. What do you mean by “event”? What I would consider an “event” is a dressy occasion, anything from a bridal shower to the opera. Mix-and-match capsule dressing isn’t terribly amenable to such occasions unless you are a super minimalist who is happy wearing the same plain black midi dress everywhere even if it doesn’t exactly fit the occasion. For occasions you need a few go-to dresses or outfits at varying levels of formality. If your lifestyle is similar to mine I would start with a day dress in a print or a softer solid color such as navy or lavender for Easter and showers and country club brunches with the in-laws, a black linen or cotton midi dress for brunch and and backyard barbecues and knocking about the city and casual concerts at breweries, something on the slinkier side for date night, a soft short dress in a shinier dark fabric for the symphony and the ballet and Christmas Eve, and a c-tail dress or a fabulous jumpsuit for the opera. Customize this list for the sorts of occasions that typically arise for you.

      1. +1 to all of the options you suggested in terms of evening outfits. For day dresses I swear by Lilly Pulitzer or Tuckernuck (LoveShack fancy is a little too much for my taste). For casual dresses JCrew or JCrew factory have great cotton options every year, I usually pick one or two up on clearance. Slinky date night outfits are usually Reformation. Very dressy nights out are usually the Fold, Kate Spade, or something from Nordstrom.
        I’d suggestion following Hillary Kerr on substack, she gives really good fashion recommendations for women in their 40s – she’s got more of a high fashion rock and roll vibe. Grace at ‘The Stripe’ (blog and substack) is good too and nails the southern prep style.

    6. If you want one all-occasion dress, the closest I’ve found is the Ramy Brook Audrey Smocked Midi Dress in navy or black. I wish it didn’t have a shirttail hem, but it still fits in day and night at nearly every level of formality short of black tie. Dress it down with a jean jacket and up with a wrap.

      1. Thanks all! OP here – even simple “events” seem to throw me for a loop these days! Things like a nice dinner, drinks with friends, meeting with a teacher at kids school. I leaned into having a minimalist wardrobe and now i have very few items. I also live in a walkable city and need comfy shoes to go with everything (which can be a hard combo sometimes), bc we’re usually walking around a mile.

        1. I think accessories go a long way. I realized a lot of my clothes would work for more social situations rather than just work when I changed up my shoes.

        2. It sounds like you’d benefit from doing an activity audit to see what kinds of situations show up in your life and how often. I have a very casual life and didn’t think i needed this, but then I listed the types of activities I was likely to do, and the ideal outfit I’d wear to each one. (Some where outfits I actually owned, some were imagined). What I realized is that I need varying degrees of casual, and that I have to do deliberate shopping to get those outfits into my closet. I didn’t have the right kinds of elevated casual items in my closet for the actual life I lived.
          Here’s an example for the types of things you mentioned, imagining that you have a WFH, casual life:

          Out-and-about casual: meeting at kids school, doctor’s visit, working at coffee shop
          • linen shirt/jeans, nice t-shirt / cropped flowy pants, linen blouse / cropped white jeans

          Festive casual: dinner, drinks with friends, vacation dinners, brunch, bridal shower
          • linen midi dress, silk top/linen pants, fun blouse /nice jeans

          Durable and basic casual: WFH, running errands
          • t-shirt/techinical fabric pants, t-shirt dress, sweatshirt / joggers

          1. +1 on listing your typical activities and then shopping for outfits for each activity. Also consider a “third piece”–a jacket or cardigan–to add polish to a simple t-shirt + jeans or t-shirt dress outfit.

          2. Op here again, thank you, Anon 1:03pm. This is so helpful!! You totally nailed it. I mostly work from home and can wear exercise clothes everyday, so when simple outings come up i have no idea what to wear. I love the idea of an activity audit. I really appreciate the time everyone has taken to respond! Happy Friday!

          3. I recently discovered Marcella NYC and they carry a lot of elevated basics that might work for you.

        3. Look at the comfort sandal recommendations on The Mom Edit. Some of them are actually pretty cute.

        4. If you want to keep your wardrobe to very few items they all need to be high-quality neutral basics. A Rag and Bone tee with Mother jeans and big buckle Birks looks great for dinner with friends. A misshapen BR Factory tee and brightly colored Loft capris with Target sandals that scuff instantly because they are plastic, not so much.

        5. Fashion sneakers to the rescue! I like P448 with pants and something with a wedge or platform for dresses.

  8. Favorite London recommendations please! Open to all types: food, activities, things to see and go, Day trips! My second visit ever and I want to do more than the basic tourist stuff I did on my last short trip.

    1. Tea at the Shard (make a reservation). Wander through Borough Market to assemble a picnic and then walk along the water to find a nice bench to eat before continuing on to either Tate Modern or the Globe (do the tour even if you don’t see a play!). If you haven’t already, visit the V&A and the Tower of London. Liberty of London is right by Carnaby Street so that’s a fun half day of shopping. I personally prefer walking through Kensington Gardens to St. James Park but both are very pretty. If you don’t mind a LONG walk you can start at the Diana Memorial Playground and walk all the way to Wellington Arch, through St. James Park and finish at Westminster.

    2. I would love to piggyback on this request – going to UK with the family in October. Arriving Thursday, leaving Tuesday, and would like to see Oxford and Cambridge as well as seeing Starlight Express in London on the Sunday. Suggestions on where to stay and when? :)

      1. Are you renting a car? Oxford is easily 2 hours from London as is Cambridge (but in different directions). That is a LOT of driving for a 4 days trip, would you consider Oxford/Bath? That way you can drive to Oxford maybe Friday, explore for a bit, drive to Bath, stay over Friday night, explore Bath during the day on Saturday and then drive back to London.

      2. I would pick one (Oxford or Cambridge). We did a long day trip to Oxford and Bath and loved it.

      3. I should specify, we are looking at Oxford and Cambridge the schools with our daughter. Will probably train in between, the trains are about 75 minutes each.

        1. I would get the bus to Oxford (it’s about 45mins and a nice ride) and the train to Cambridge. Two separate days. Neither Oxford or Cambridge are car friendly. You either walk or cycle.

    4. If you love design, fashion, art, etc., do NOT miss the V&A Museum, especially the stunning cafe! I could spend hours in the gift shop alone.

      I loved some of the smaller museums—the transit museum, the museum of the home, etc.

      Tea at Sketch was a lot of fun! Thanks to this community for the rec.

      Eat your way through Borough Market.

      We loved our historical walking tour of Notting Hill, ending at Portobello Market.

      1. Eh I wouldn’t do this – it’s on Broadway and touring all over the US. It’s coming to my very dinky Midwest city within the next year. I’d do something that’s more uniquely London and if you want to go to the West End, I’d try to find a show that hasn’t made it’s US debut or at least isn’t touring all over the country.

        2. But the subject matter in Six is uniquely London! We saw it in London last year and it was a full immersive experience… a very small theater and the actors engage / speak to the audience. Hearing the queens start the show by asking “how you doing, London” and then singing about events that occurred right down the street cannot be replicated.

    7. London Walks. They have a ton of great guided walking tours around lots of different areas of London and are reasonably priced. I just did one of Hampstead Heath, which was great, and they have a good mix of touristy/less touristy/themed ones (like Jack the Ripper, which was also fun).

    8. Sky Garden! You must plan ahead for (free) tickets, but set it up to take a book or your postcards and just hang out for a while, it’s welcoming and delightful.

    1. Related, I want to get the Stokke Tripp Trapp chair from the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, but I’ve heard many complaints here over the years about the artificial scarcity the sale introduces. I don’t have early access – chances I’ll actually be able to get this thing?

      1. I bet you can find it on a buy nothing or baby classifieds Facebook group much more easily, tbh.

      2. My two babies are in college now, and we still have one of our Stokke chairs. When they were tiny we bought one for each of them in a color that matched our dining room table.

        They used them for YEARS. We gave one away to a friend who had a baby, but still have one, which my 190 lb husband uses as a task chair on a fairly regular basis.

        Can’t comment on the sale but I had to sing the praises of the product!

    2. NAS – not that compelling. I’d saved the Adidas Gazelles to my wish list but they sold out entirely before I could access; hoping for a pop back. But even the things I usually buy, like my fav bra and undies, aren’t marked down in the colors I want, so a big whatever.

      1. My daughter had also tried to get the Gazelles. Then we looked online and found them at Foot Locker for less than the sale price.

    3. I have early access and really struggled. My favorite perfume is really expensive, and they have an offer for a full and travel size. But I don’t think I want to shell out that sort of money, especially since that would take me a long time to go through and I’ve heard perfume has a shelf life. Usually there are a few things. This year, everything seemed kind of meh to me or is something I already own.

      1. Perfume has a longer shelf life than most people think. Store your perfumes in a drawer – away from light and heat, preferably not a drawer in your bathroom – and they will last a long time. I have 10+ year old bottles that are fresh and lovely.

        Signed, amateur perfumer

    4. NAS: ON Cloud trail runner shoes, Bombas socks six pack, misc EF pieces.

      I just ordered the feature cardigan from Nordstrom Rack along with a Citizen watch.

      Ann Taylor has some good sale prices on traditional summer suiting and I have a giant order on the way from which I hope to find two suits that fit and that I like.

      My summer wardrobe needed a bit of refurbishing. I had gained just enough weight that my existing stuff would button and zip but it looks cheap on me because it’s too tight.

    5. I ordered some stuff from NAS yesterday.

      I’m trying the brush hair dryer from T3.

      The NARS Orgasm blush duo

      The Lancome Lash Idole mascara duo

      Treasure & Bond relaxed turtleneck

      Madewell v neck wool cardigan

      BZees wedge sneaker (can’t tell whether it will be cool or orthopedic looking on me)

      That’s it. I’m probably going to end up returning some things after I try them on.

      1. Amazon prime days – I don’t have a wish list or anything but will look for things we ordinarily buy (household supplies etc) to see if they’re on sale. I’m debating getting an updated Kindle paperwhite as mine seems to be failing but the Kindles seem really expensive now. Open to recommendations!

    6. For Prime day, I always get a few tv channels for cheap and catch up on shows I’ve meaning to watch. Otherwise I’ll just see if things on my usual to buy lists go on sale. I moved recently, so I still need to stock up on a lot of household stuff.

    7. I had some things on my wish list for NAS. Everything sold out before I was allowed to shop at the “Influencer” tier (and I tried right at midnight). I am choosing to view this as freedom from the tyranny of the NAS!

  10. I’m looking to make a career pivot. I’m not in law but in a transactional role with some parallel structures so I’ll draw some comparisons to describe what I currently do. I’m a midlevel non-equity partner. Beyond doing deals, which I’m good at and enjoy, I have a number of extracurriculars around the office that I really enjoy and have had great success with. I’m not a part of office leadership in the formal sense, of which there are just two individuals, but these include being on the small team of people in our office that meet monthly and advise our local leaders that they handpicked. I’m also on our national recruitment team, on the local hiring committee, etc.

    I’d now like to go in-house. I’m 40, fwiw. I’ve met with some very well-regarded recruiters and trusted confidants in the last few weeks who all say I could either just “lateral” so to speak, and go in house and focus on transactions, but I’m also primed given my age and experience to come in as part of a succession plan – maybe I come in at an MD level now but the plan is that upon retirements/succession plans being executed is that I get promoted in to a c-suite type role. My transactional experience will help inform the strategic decisions that I’d be a part of, plus I have experience in some of these bigger picture strategy things (recruitment, hiring, retention, etc) given the extracurriculars. Obviously there are a lot of what-ifs in that kind of plan – the to-be-retiree needs to be in on this plan and committed to a timeline, etc etc but ignore those possible pitfalls for now.

    My question is, I’ve never really thought of myself in this seat until now but do see how that would be a potentially great fit and I like the idea of it a lot, actually. However I’m lacking the words to describe what my skills are that could make me suited for the seat. I need to refresh my resume and get an elevator pitch down. But, thinks like “results oriented” or “strategic thinker” feel…. empty? Like, shouldn’t everyone on a resume at least claim to be a strategic thinker? Any tips on how to figure out the right things to say and think about as this role crystalizes in my head? I also know that for this kind of role the resume isn’t the be all/end all, reputation and connections are a big part of the interview process obviously and I have that part figured out/down, but I still need some help so the next recruiter I sit down with gets a more concise view of the type of role I’m thinking about here.

    Happy for any/all insights. Thank you!

    1. I think you should just say what you actually do, the analogy to legal departments when you are not a lawyer isn’t going to hold up and you’ll get better advice.

      1. It’s a niche of finance, but the employment structure, titles, and comp structure is similar so it really is a close parallel.

    2. See the comments above regarding ChatGPT and cover letters. It can help you with resume language or an elevator pitch. Use it as a jumping off point.

    3. As someone in-house now, I would be careful about your aims in “crystalizing the role.” If you trying to identify what you are looking for in terms of responsibilities and trajectory, that’s great! But if you are thinking you will approach a company and describe your ideal role, that won’t go over well. Companies hire when they have a clearly defined need that justifies the investment. While comp and title are pretty negotiable, responsibilities are not. Be sure to listen carefully to how *they* describe the job.

      If you aren’t looking to move laterally, this search may take a couple of years and the feasibility of the move will likely depend on the overall economy.

      1. Definitely the former and not the latter. Trying to identify what I’m looking for and how to talk about it should someone ask me what kind of role I’m looking to seek. Everyone I’ve talked to so far has visibility in to companies and their needs, and said there are a few roles that will become real in the next 6-18 months, which is my ideal timeline, 12-24 being even more ideal for me given current deal flow but willing to flex as needed.

  11. How many of us grew up in anxious families? And how do you deal now, as an adult? My family doesn’t get into fights; instead, the tension lingers under the surface. I now realize that both of my parents are very anxious people and get easily irritated and snappy when things feel out of control. There are a couple of times this shows up:
    1) Constant changing of plans to accommodate my mom’s anxiety about driving and being in crowded places; and
    2) There are four of us siblings, and between us, there are 11 grandkids. So things are naturally noisy and even though we try so, so hard to make sure our kids don’t make messes — they are still kids. One of my siblings takes it REALLY personally, and then her irritation further adds to the emotional quagmire. I am kinda past the point of caring and my kids are slightly older.

    I’m not going to change my parents. They are who they are and are loving grandparents and parents despite their flaws. What I need to know is how to not feel anxious myself when everyone else’s anxieties are high.

    1. I wouldn’t say my family was overly anxious about all things, but there were certain types of anxiety that I’m careful not to adopt in my household – things like always saying “be careful” instead of “have fun” for reasonable risks like an 8-year-old riding a bike, always stressing about kids being unsupervised in safe backyards, and the like. I personally don’t wish to inculcate a safety-first, fun-second mindset for every risk, no matter how minute. Another example is the “what if” game that some family members would play – “but what if there’s an earthquake” was uttered more than once as a reason for kids to not go somewhere alone.

      1. Weirdly, my parents have never been unreasonable about safety risks. In fact, we were allowed to take a lot of physical risks as kids. It’s noise and commotion and being out of routine that seems to throw them off. It’s a wonder they had four kids.

    2. Oh, I totally relate to this (and to be fair, I am also a very anxious person and I’m sure my family had to do plenty of dealing with my moods over the years). Years of therapy and meds have helped me step outside of my own anxiety and view my family from a more anthropological perspective. It helps to really think about why people are doing and saying things. My therapist always says, “What does this action say about THEM?” instead of making it about myself.

    3. I would not change plans to accommodate my mother’s anxiety. Anxiety is real and I suffer from it myself, but I am very conscious of not making it anyone else’s problem. I would make your plans and give her an out if she chooses not to attend, accept her decision but keep your plans.

      As for the sibling and the messes, you say you’re past the point of caring and that’s exactly where you should be.

    4. My mom is very rigid and extremely germaphobic (I think she has OCD) and I don’t think it really affected me that much. I’d say I’m about average for an adult in terms of germaphobia. Maybe I just got lucky.

      1. OP here, and I am nearly positive that my mom probably has undiagnosed OCD and definitely has undiagnosed anxiety. It makes me sad for her. I do struggle with anxiety, but germophobia and related matters are not my particular burden. My burden is a massive fear of failure and disappointing people. So fun!

    5. 1. Stay at a hotel, not at your parents’ house.
      2. Whether you are visiting them or they are visiting you, get the group out of the house and engaged in some activity as much as possible.

      1. We’ve recently gotten on the staying at a hotel bandwagon and it is glorious. The mental break and ability to come and go really improves trips back home.

      2. Luckily, we never spend the night. This is during family gatherings. My siblings and I honestly prefer hosting when we can because we care less about noise, mess, etc.

    6. My mom had some form of agoraphobia and claustrophobia. The agoraphobia mainly meant she didn’t come visit us. We had to go visit her. Claustrophobia limited certain things but it wasn’t a daily thing.

      The thing is that my mom was a tough old bird and a real survivor of a life that didn’t turn out as she had hoped/expected. I admired her greatly and loved her despite her flaws. But the agoraphobia was hard to deal with when I knew she was such an amazing woman who could in reality handle anything, but she was afraid to go out and try it. I was more sad for her than frustrated by her.

      Love you, Mom. RIP

      1. <3 This is really touching. So often, we forget to see people with mental health challenges as still human.

    7. I think it’s important to at least leave meal times free of studying. At least one meal a day. Taking 30 min or an hour to just sit and eat in a relaxed way once or twice a day is not taking much away from her study time, and I think has a real positive impact on both mental and physical health, which is important in test performance. She might not be thinking of breaks as helpful, but actually I truly believe they are. I’m not a lawyer but recently studied for and aced a different professional exam which many people fail. I was nervous, my future job also depended on my passing. But building periods of rest, however brief, into a study schedule is really beneficial and I considered it part of my overall strategy. That said, if she is sensing anxiety on your part, that won’t be helpful. So make your suggestions, but leave her be. Added stress isn’t good either!

  12. I had a massage yesterday for the first time in a long while. The massage therapist made a few comments about how tight my shoulders were and how my glutes were the tightest she’d seen. I think I’ve just become accustomed to how tight I am all the time but I wish I weren’t! What can I do at home to loosen up a bit? Foam rolling? Should I get more frequent massages?

    1. I am one of those annoying evangelists who thinks yoga cures many ills. Also, do you have a Stretchlab near you? Even with yoga I think an assisted stretch does wonders. All that said, more frequent massages is never a bad idea.

    2. Often tight muscles are weak muscles, according to my physical therapists, so you may need to do strength training and mobility work for long term change.

    3. restorative yoga!! i love the stuff from downdog. last i checked it’s $35 for the year and like a free massage every time, and you can choose the length, what area you want to “boost” during the session (neck, back, hips, etc) and what music you want and so forth. so so good.

    5. I can tell you what moved the needle for me. After years of getting Thai massages with assisted stretching, which were really enjoyable, I finally bit the bullet and got a Rolfing 10-series (this is a standardized thing, you can look it up). The practitioner I found incorporated some movement into every session — so we also dealt with some of the posture things that show up in habitual activity and that contribute to weird muscle tension patterns. I’d had some knots below my shoulder blades ever since I could remember that have not come back.

      The comment in this thread about how tight muscles are weak muscles gave me a lot of food for thought – thank you, Anon at 11:28.

  13. Lawyers, is there anything that made you feel better when you were in bar study purgatory? My daughter is living at home this summer and is SO MISERABLE studying. She is a ball of stress and will barely leave the house. I dragged her to get a pedicure yesterday and she studied the whole time. It has been so long since I took the bar and my memory is fuzzy. Other than encouraging her and bringing her food, is there anything else I can do? Even when your kid is an actual grownup it is hard to see her suffer (and I do understand that there is far worse suffering in the world)!

    1. I watched Aaron Spelling’s Savannah, which is soap-y, and also a lot of vintage Law and Order while reviewing my BarBri notes.

      Do the practice tests somewhere like a library and check the answers. They will tell her much about if she is on track.

      1. Law and Order! My roommate and I watched them and we would call out all the times they broke the hearsay rule or the rules of evidence, etc. :)

    2. I think this is about personality. People react differently to that particular brand of stress. I think it is best to study for the bar like it is a 9-5 or 10-4 job and then engage in healthy habits like sleep and exercise, but others cannot be convinced of this and think that any minute not spent studying is the minute that causes failure. Maybe you can talk to her about diminishing returns and let her know that the schedule the prep companies put out is unreasonable.

      1. I’m like this too – I have a friend who went into insane mode for her thesis (12-18 hour days when other students were doing far less) and she wouldn’t eat, exercise, or sleep normally. I sent her a gift card to Doordash and she said she didn’t have time to eat. Now two years later, she’s mad she can’t lose the weight (20 lbs) she gained during that time. She did very well on the thesis, but I’m convinced to this day that she would have done very well with 65% of the effort she put in and she would have been a lot happier if she had allowed herself 20 minutes of walking a day.

          1. It’s easy to make a snap judgment based on one comment referring to one aspect of a multi-month time period, isn’t it?

          2. Nothing but contempt in her comment. Her friend accomplished something major and worked her ass off to do it, but yeah, let’s focus on how she did it wrong and how much weight she gained doing it.

          3. The focus on the weight gain seems a little unkind, but I agree with the bigger point that making time for sleep, eating and exercise is important in stressful times.

          4. She’s the one who is upset about the weight gain, not me. She’s mentioned it twice in the last week (“I’m so frustrated I still haven’t lost that weight”) and made one mention of “in hindsight I probably took it too far.” We’ve been friends since kindergarten and she is one of those people who is always convinced she is going to fail and spends a lot of time freaking out about that even though the lowest grade she has ever gotten in her entire life is a B+. It’s exhausting for her.

        2. I have a friend just like this, and FWIW I don’t think it makes you a bad friend to think she’s doing too much.

          1. Thanks. It’s just tough to watch someone you care about and who you KNOW is extremely smart and capable be convinced she’s going to fail and make herself so miserable physically and mentally. When it’s not the thesis, it’s something else, and she’s struggled to find ways to cope with stressors like that in a healthier way.

    3. It’s mid-July; being stressed is normal! It’ll be over in three weeks.

      That being said, seeing if she’ll go for a walk with you will get her exercise, fresh air, and a clear head—I’d start there!

    4. It’s hard, and some amount of misery and non-stop studying is inevitable. I remember I had a specific quick, healthy-ish meal I would make for dinner most nights while I was studying and I couldn’t make it for months afterward because of the stressful associations! But getting out of the house is critical. I took long walks every day with flash cards or lectures and that really helped me stay sane.

    5. So this is cynical me: I repeated to myself a lot “you don’t have to ace this, you just have to pass.” That, and every time I deal with a terrible lawyer or see a bad argument at a motions calendar, I’m reminded the bar is really a minimum competency exam.

    6. Honestly, my mother hovered the summer I was home studying the bar and it just added another layer of stress.

      2. This was my thought. I’m glad my husband at the time just kind of backed off and was available if I wanted to be around someone and made sure I had good meals. There’s really not much you can do in the moment about how stressed someone feels, and any attempt to get her to do feel differently is probably not going to go so well.

      3. I have a lot of baggage to this day about how my academically underachieving family got mad at me for what was, in my circles, very normal amounts of studying. Think, they would be pissed at me if I didn’t take entire weekends off during law school to drive 8 hours each way to hit the beach with them… multiple times a semester. They still expected top grades, though….

        It did not make me less stressed. It made me respect them less and made me exponentially more stressed.

    7. I think it is a mistake to take time off to study for the bar. NO ONE can study for 8-12 hours a day.

      1. If you just graduated law school, it isn’t really taking time “off”, right? What else would you be doing?

        Everyone’s different but I’ve taken one bar while not working (the summer right after law school) and two bars while working full time as a lawyer, and not working was soooo much better. I don’t know that I studied a full 8 hours every day, but I studied at least 6 hours most weekdays (with breaks in between a morning and afternoon session, and sometimes doing reading or listening to lectures by the pool) and it felt relaxed and I felt very confident and prepared going into the test. Studying while working full time was a horrible experience for me. I did pass the bar both times, but I lost a lot of sleep in the weeks leading up to the test and felt very unprepared going into the exam and like I’d just written BS.

        1. I always had to work to support myself so I came home every night and focused for three hours. Period. Even if not working, it is not really productive to only study.

          1. Agree to disagree; I’ve done both and being able to study full time was much better for my mental health and bar exam preparation. I get that it’s a financial privilege to be able to do so.

          2. Hooray for you. Some may function differently. Your inability to accept this is weird.

      4. I don’t tell people this IRL in case they end up taking my advice, failing, then blaming me, but this is my secret opinion as well. I worked full time up until a month before the bar. Then I studied ~4 hours a day for a month and didn’t pay for BARBRI. I went out with friends all the time and worked out everyday. I passed the CA bar on the first try and didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

    8. I’m not sure there’s really anything you can do because she probably wouldn’t be receptive to being told “study less.” But fwiw I treated BarBri like a 40 hour per week job (honestly, maybe even a 25-30 hour/week job) and took weekends, evenings and even some afternoons off, and I passed the California bar easily (and felt very confident coming out of the test). A lot of it is test-taking ability, and the knowledge you need does not take round-the-clock studying to acquire.

      And yes I think the framing that you don’t have to ace it, you just have to pass is good. What would be the equivalent of a “C” in law school is a passing grade — presumably she’s used to aiming higher than that in school. And at least when I took it, there were two ways to pass. If you got a certain score on the MBE they didn’t even grade the essays, but if you failed to meet the minimum score on the MBE you could still pass on the strength of your essays. That was comforting to me, because you could basically flub one of the two halves of the exam and still pass.

    9. I remember the general advice being you can have some fun through the 4th of July, but then just suffer through the rest of the month, so she may find activities to be more stressful than studying at this point. I think bringing her food is a very nice thing to do. Does she have a bar trip coming up? If so, maybe asking if there’s any last minute logistics she needs help with for that would be nice.

      I tried to make sure I was taking a break and watching mindless tv while eating meals (which is how I briefly got into Days of our Lives which was on during my lunch hour. Mind you, this was 2015, not 1982.) But much like your daughter, I remember being dragged to the gym by my well-meaning mom and reviewing Barbri flash cards while on the elliptical. It’s just a hard season, and it will pass in a few weeks.

    10. I treated it like a 9-5 and reassured myself that I had never been CLOSE to anything less than a B in my life so why would this be any different with my normal level of effort.

      1. I honestly love the “I’m really good so eff stressing out about this” attitude this comment exudes, and I hope to instill that justified confidence in my daughter! Respect to you!

        1. aw thanks! It was my mom who helped me frame my thinking that way in the first place :)

    11. While it’s been 25 years, the thing I remember about the bar is studying like a maniac. I generally coasted through school at the top of my class without trying hard (brag, not humble) but I was scared of not passing. I didn’t want to be the person at my firm who was on probation pending a second shot. I was taking CAs, notoriously low pass rates. There was nothing you could say to me to make me stop studying that summer with every spare second. Even diminishing returns were returns. I passed on the first try and probably overstudied but I’d do the same thing all over again. The TL/DR, leave her alone.

    12. Leave her alone! She’s in the zone. Do not try to encourage her to take it easy. The zone is hard to get into and we don’t need people trying to talk us out of it.

      I’m an actuary so my exam experience is 10 years of taking exams that destroy your life and take 300-400 hours of study & have a 30%-40% pass rate each.

      Your daughter managed to get through undergrad and law school. She can handle this. Love her, but don’t try to get her to stop what she’s doing right now.

    13. I stress-shopped online a lot during bar study purgatory, and ended up never wearing about half of those clothes because I didn’t actually know what was office appropriate when I purchased them. So, not a great suggestion.

      In June, I studied for the bar 30-40 hours per week, maybe 9-4 or 10-5, and had normal activities outside of that. After July 4, I was definitely studying more and studying on weekends, probably 60 hours per week. I was stressed and thinking about the bar even when I wasn’t actively studying. It might be overkill, but the stakes are high. It’s only a few more weeks–let her study her way, bring her food, and be supportive if she wants to vent.

    14. the last three weeks before the bar are just the worst and I would pay six figures to never have to go through it again. I had a toddler and a baby and they were my saving grace, bringing me out of my own miserable mind world into embodied reality of sunshine and snacks. Sure I took my flashcards along to the playground but it was good to get out. So I think the pedicure was a good idea even if she studied the whole time. Otherwise just let her be miserable; it is miserable.

    15. I got into a routine when I studied for the bar (YEARS ago) of watching Star Trek: Next Generation every evening. It helped me take a break and marked the transition from a day of studying to dinner and relaxing in the evening (or additional study, closer to the bar exam). So if she can pick a show to watch every day as a part of her bar study routine, that might help divert her for an hour a day.

    16. OMG, don’t drag her for a pedicure. That makes it worse. Schedule it for after the bar and just accept that this is a high stress period of her life.

    17. Not quite the same as the bar exam, but my daughter just went through the absolute h311 that is senior year IB papers and exams when the teachers have not paced the work appropriately and have left everything to the end. The best things I could do were to encourage her to eat and sleep properly and to walk the dog each day for some fresh air and exercise, and when she spiraled to remind her that she had done everything possible and that would have to be enough.

    18. I think you generally back off and let her do her thing as long as she is not crossing the line into rudeness or completely dropping all responsibilities to the family. I imagine that if she lives with you, she is expected to do certain chores or have certain responsibilities. It’s fine to help her out to the extent that you are able to (covering certain chores or whatnot), but it wouldn’t be fine for her to explode her stress onto everyone or not contribute in any way for months on end.

      1. Honestly I have excused her from any chores. She is a good kid and doesn’t abuse us or the house. I am perfectly willing to leave her alone. I see a consensus here that I need to stop trying to drag her out and about and just let her do her thing. I am not worried about her passing. She is doing a very structured BarBri thing. Mainly though, she is a way better student than I was and if I can pass, she definitely can!

        1. Totally your call and your family, but I actually think that making her responsible for chores is a good thing, even if she’s studying. Not sure about her, but my Barbri schedule is only ~5 hours a day, and, even with a few hours of independent studying, I have had time to move, set up a new apartment, and generally maintain a life. I also think that doing so has been enormously healthy for my mental health. You know your kid best, but as someone who is currently studying for the bar, I find that I do better on practice questions and essays when I have some balance in my life. Too much time in the Barbri mines tends to make me a little crazy

    19. Late, but I am currently studying for the bar exam, so this feels super relevant :) Not a ton you can do about this as a parent, but it is very clear to me that, after a certain point, more studying in a day does not produce more/better results. Taking breaks and forgetting material helps you learn and cement it so much better. So I think gently encouraging her to take breaks (invite her on a walk, ask her to help prepare dinner, whatever) can really facilitate breathing room.

      If you’re up to it, it could be fun and helpful to help her study: Since you’ve taken the bar yourself, maybe you could offer to quiz her with adaptibar/themis/barbri/uworld/whatever questions and make a game out of it. Or get her to explain things to you. Anything to make it lighter

      You can do it and so can she!

  14. I’m interviewing somewhere that has a hybrid policy where you must go into the office three days a week, even though no one from the team I’m working for is in the local office. They are totally distributed and we’re going to be on Zoom all the time. It seems SO stupid to me. I have to badge in and badge out… to just sit in an office and be remote with my team anyway?

    The role actually sounds interesting, but this policy is a huge turnoff. Does anyone else have this policy, and if so, how do you make it worth your while to commute in?

    1. That would be a dealbreaker for me because it’s a symptom of a culture that adopts senseless policies. A hybrid policy when people are in the office together is one thing, but a strict butt-in-seat requirement when you’re alone in the office is another.

      1. Totally agree. Do not choose a company that makes decisions based on myths/basically nothing.

    2. We ostensibly have that policy. It is widely ignored with no reprecussions. But unfortunately I’m not sure there’s any way to know that in an interview process.

    3. While my team is mostly in my office, I don’t really work with them (we’re the technical experts and support programmatic teams with our expertise, but we all have different expertises so can’t even bounce ideas off of each other).

      Honestly, it doesn’t bother me. Even though my meetings are entirely virtual, I still really enjoy the human interaction in the office and being forced to get up, put on real clothes, and interact with people.

      My commute is a 20 min walk, So, I like the excuse for fresh air and took out the blood moving. If I had a public transportation commute, though, I would enjoy that time for reading or podcasts

    4. That policy would be a dealbreaker for me. I understand employers wanting some degree of face-to-face interaction, but this is just showing that they want to micromanage their employees.

    5. Presuming the commute is reasonable, this would be fine with me. I’d rather get out of the house with frequency than WFH and I’d rather go to my company where I can pick up subtle information about the bigger picture and network internally than say, go to a coworking space with random people. I would also assume that over time more people I would be meeting with would be going to that location. I’ve worked a long time and have never seen anyone move up a career ladder very far from their living room.

      2. This is worth considering. While your immediate team might be remote from you, what about upper mgmt?

        1. this — even if your team is elsewhere if there are going to be lateral possibilities or promotion possibilities that you can network with in the office then it’ll be great.

          1. I think this is right. It’s one thing as a pause / plateau if you are more senior. But if you are junior, it is harder to progress remotely than in office with others in your company. Progression isn’t linear and being around off-team people is usually the key to seeing the big picture faster. Have lunch with people. Learn from them and vice versa.

    6. The entire federal government of Canada has this policy and it’s SO STUPID. Go to the office to sit on Teams all day!

    7. we have something similar (2 days) and my direct team is also spread across several offices but I work with the onsite teams as well. If the role has NO interaction with anyone in that office, it’s a hard sell. However, I personally like hybrid. The flexibility of WFH but without the isolation / total lack of in-person connection. Is it the same days everyone is in the office? that’s how it is at my work and that makes a huge difference in actually feeling worthwhile.
      Def worth digging into how strict it is / is there a sense that’s a stepping stone to 5 days in office or this is the agreed upon future? obviously it can change, but I know for us the hybrid model isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

      i like the ability to get out of the house, pack my meetings on in-office days so there’s more flexibility the rest of the week, I like most of the people I work with so it is nice to actually see them in person.

    8. I have the same. I am sitting in the office alone today to get my day count in. It is what it is. If the rest of the job is good and the commute is not bad I say go for it.

    9. I’m the only one in this office on my team.I have to go in 4 days a week, the same 4 days, which is captured in a spreadsheet.Exceptions would require a request to 2-4 people and amendments to 2 spreadsheets and an Outlook calendar. Oh, and some Teams messages. We are required to be onsite for “optics” — so the “customer” can see us if they roam the halls. But no one will ever see me anyway. And yes to badging in and out. (Although at least we are IN-IN the office — the Zoom part is extra ridiculous.)

      If the role is interesting, that might be your answer. (Although I question how an interesting role could exist with petty tyrants like this.) Sorry, this isn’t helpful.

    10. My office has this policy, I don’t like it but I’m in a niche field and there is precisely one ethical employer (mine), so I have to accept the weird hybrid thing unless I want to sell my soul.

    11. I just left a place that made a Big Deal about people coming into the office three days a week. The office space was beautiful. Great open plan work stations with many conference rooms and a few private small call rooms. Regular office lunches; happy hours; snacks; drinks; etc. The thing was, we all worked for different teams across the country so it was drive in, log on, headphones on for zoom meetings for most of the day. Some quiet desk work between calls with ocassional chit chat about general friendly non-specific work stuff. Then home. Totally not worth the nearly 2 hour each way DC commute. New job is 100% remote – same position, pay, etc.

    12. I would ask in the interview if this is flexible. I’m not fighting rush hour to get on a Zoom meeting at 8 am. I’ll take my morning meetings from home and commute in at like 10 am and leave either after 530 or when I have a break midafternoon.

    13. I sit in an empty 3 story office, completely alone, once a week because of a similar stupid policy. It’s creepy and stressful, and I’m job hunting.

      1. Such a funny attitude to me. I mean they are paying you for your time. They get to choose where you do it. Will be interesting to see when there is a recession and people are glad for any job, if this way of working survives.

    14. So I really disagree with all the people saying this should be a dealbreaker- my company has a hybrid policy but no one else on my team is in my office. However, I actually find going into the office really valuable and am definitely better at my job because of the relationships I’ve built and the intel I’ve gotten from people on the other teams.

    15. I am completely remote except for an on occasion meeting and I prefer it that way. I enjoy the balance in my life more than being in an office. I am a consultant and maybe it means I won’t move up but I also can go to smaller firms that are also remote and essentially get paid the same. Prior to the pandemic, I went in to the office 5 days a week to sit on calls with people thousands of miles away. It didn’t make any difference in my trajectory because those were my clients and the rest of the in- office staff had nothing to do with that. I get it if you don’t like WFH, but I do so mandatory days are just not what I’m looking for. Only you will know that though.

    16. Depends on the role. Finance is similar to legal in that as a support role often someone needs to be in the office to keep tabs on what is happening because the business doesn’t talk to the support functions proactively and fixing problems after the fact is so much harder. It’s a massive culture issue and it’s not lost on me that operations is normally predominantly male and support functions predominantly female.

      So while your team might be all over, it might be that you are their eyes and ears for your local location. It’s very annoying and heads up that if this is the case, you need to ask a lot of questions about culture to find out if sexism is an issue.

    17. Your comment about both badge in and badge OUT makes me think you’re asking about a very large company. Tech perhaps?

  15. To the poster who adopted a cat and was having second thoughts—how are you? How’s it going? Have you and the cat settled down some?

    I’ve been really thinking about you and your new cat and sending good vibes to you and kitty…please keep us updated even if you have to take her back to the rescue!

    1. Yes, the comments were quite mean yesterday! I hope OP can give it a little time with the new cat and know that most people hope for a cat with an outgoing personality who regularly seeks attention :)

        1. It affected me too. To hear that someone “despises” a cat who is sweetly purring and looking up at them was too much for my sensitive nature. I wish I had never read it.

          1. I also wish I had never read it. I really hopes she turns the cat so it can be adopted by someone that does not despise them.

      2. It’s not heartbreaking for someone to regret a cat adoption. It’s life.

        Animals aren’t people. The cat will be fine.

        1. The thread yesterday was a lot more than just regretting an adoption, which I agree is normal. She said she “despised” the cat, which is a really intense emotion to have about an innocent animal you’ve owned for one day.

      3. It was—which is why I’m wondering how OP and the cat are doing. I’m hoping that they’ve both calmed down…OP seemed to be really going through something and I’m worried for both of them.

    3. I was also thinking about her today. The negative self talk felt very familiar to me. I hope you’re doing ok, OOP! You deserve love and affection and good things.

    4. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I can give you an update but it will not be one you enjoy.

      Cat was spayed about 72 hours ago before coming home with me 48 hours ago. I do not believe she has eaten, drunk, or eliminated waste since the surgery. I know she has not done so in the last 48 hours. I called the Rescue and they said I had given her too much freedom (she made a break for the door from “her” room every time I opened it, so I let her have the run of about half the house under supervision and she seemed to enjoy being downstairs). Rescue says vet intervention isn’t warranted until at least after the weekend and claims she was eating immediately after her spay– although I have my doubts because that conflicts with a discussion I had with a volunteer during pre-adoption counseling.

      Since I know I’ll get asked for details about this: I bought the canned and dry food she was eating at the rescue and left it out. When it went untouched, I went to the store and bought the food/treats her foster said she liked best. That went untouched too. Since her flavor of choice seems to be chicken and I had some actual roast chicken I offered her a piece to see if she was just being picky and holding out for treats, but no interest. I’ve also known of cats who object to their food/water being too close to their litter, so I set some down in the kitchen in addition to her room. No interest.

      I have promised Rescue to leave her shut in the one room over the weekend so she won’t be overstimulated and will maybe decide to eat. I remain concerned that she’s going to starve or dehydrate herself to death, but Rescue are the experts. Hopefully her crying for me when I leave the room doesn’t prompt my neighbors to call animal control… or maybe that would actually be best for her?

      She still seems to only be happy when she’s sitting on top of me. It just sucks. Sitting in that room 24/7 so she can be on top of me is not something I’m physically/emotionally/mentally able to do. If Cat were a person, this forum would be talking about how she shouldn’t go to the hardware store for groceries.

      I HATE that I took her home. She has so much love to offer– possibly too much for any one person, let alone me who doesn’t like to have a cat on my lap (makes me feel pinned down and my stomach is ticklish). I imagine her being the absolute joy of a family with a couple of kids and a dog and I cry thinking about how I accidentally kept her from that.

      1. Awww friend– this is really hard to deal with.

        For what it’s worth, she might be so clingy because of the change and because she doesn’t feel well. I do wonder if she will be acting this same way once she heals up and gets used to her surroundings.

        I’m definitely an insane dog person (i.e., my dog has a better life than a lot of human children), but my boyfriend and I both had periods of doubt in the weeks after adopting her. It’s completely normal and doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or anything like that. I don’t know if this cat is your soulmate, but I do hope she feels better and that you are able to give her a good home for whatever period you have her (be it a week or the rest of her life, depending on how the relationship progresses).

      2. Okay, I’m going to say that something is seriously wrong with this rescue if they’re putting the cat out for adoption within 24 hours of surgery. She needs to recover for at least a few days before moving to a new environment. When my cat had surgery, she refused to eat or drink when she was in the hospital because she was so terrified of being in a strange place, but she went straight to her food when we brought her home. I don’t know what to suggest since your cat has nowhere to go home to, but not eating or drinking is an emergency for cats that can cause fatal liver damage, so you need to take her to the vet asap if you really think she hasn’t eaten anything for several days now.

        1. ^^ This. Everything in your post screams that this cat needs to go to the vet ASAP. Please. And, with everything you’ve said, I would give it a couple weeks to understand what this cat’s personality actually is.

      3. Return the cat. The cat deserves someone that wants to cuddle. You are being cruel in your refusal to return the cat.

        2. Please just stop. This forum can really be the worst. Whatever point you think you’re making, you’re just being a jerk to a woman who has good reason to not spend all of her time in one room with convalescing cat.

      4. This is raising red flags for me about the rescue. What was the rush placing her so soon after her spay? Is she still loopy from pain meds? A spay is a major surgery and she deserved to recuperate in the foster home that was already familiar to her, not deal with spay recovery and an adoption placement at once.

        OP, you can make the decision to return her because it’s a bad fit. If the rescue has an issue with this, they’re not a good rescue. An ethical breeder or rescue will take their animals back if it’s not working out. I hope if you’ll accept that this is an option that you’ll be in a better position to try to take care of this cat that the rescue in my opinion let down. I still don’t know how old she is, if she’s fat or thin, or what meds she is on, but the usual veterinary advice is that cats need to eat at least a mouthful of food every twenty four hours (the more overweight they are, the more important this is). She may be not eating because she’s uncomfortable with the new space, and the rescue should have offered to take her back into the foster home over this.

        When the cat that I adopted wouldn’t eat, the rescue was very concerned and basically had me monitoring to make sure he ate at least a spoonful’s worth of food each day. If he hadn’t started eating in a few days, they’d have taken him back for his own safety. And he wasn’t recovering from surgery at the time.

        1. I think there was a paperwork glitch with respect to her spay, because when I was signing the paperwork I had to be the one to point out that she had just been spayed (I could see the shave/stitches) and the adoption counselor seemed surprised and gave me a post-surgical care handout. I didn’t realize that it had been literally the day before, though, or I might have hesitated to proceed.

          She isn’t actually acting like she’s in pain, but cats hide pain and I worried that that might be the real source of the constant purring. In any event, for a creature on hunger strike she has lot of energy to chase her toy mouse, jump onto the back of the couch, etc.

          With respect to demographics: about a year old and listed as eight pounds. I haven’t weighed her myself. The adoption counselor made a comment about her leaning chonky when she said that Cat had rejected food the previous day, but I don’t think she actually does… just has a medium-thick coat and a very fluffy tail.

          1. Okay this sounds more like volunteer snafu stuff than complete wtf, but I hope the rescue will be more understanding about the whole situation given the unusual timeline! I was thinking she was acting more like a cat on painkillers, but it sounds like she’s not.

        2. Yes, this is 100% a problem with the rescue organization and not with the adopter! OP, this is not your fault and you are not a bad person. This cat should have remained in the foster home until she recovered from the surgery. You should also have been instructed to keep the cat in a closed room for several days after bringing her home at the time of adoption, not scolded for failing to do so when you called the rescue for advice.

      5. Is she in pain or discomfort from the surgery? Maybe she is just seeking comfort and will back off when she’s fully healed….

        Are you going to keep her?

      6. Not sure if this will help, but since you really do need to get the cat to eat asap, can you figure out where the cat is most comfortable and bring the food there? We moved a month or so ago and are still feeding one of our cats half of his meals under our bed because he gets skittish about eating elsewhere and is still spending a lot of time hiding under the bed. You don’t need to keep the cat if she’s a bad fit, but you do need to keep her alive until you can get the rescue to take her back.

      7. I didn’t post the other day but think you should give yourself and the cat some grace! This is not the pet for you, and that’s ok! Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a cat owner, or that there’s something wrong with the cat. It’s just not a good match. It’s insane to me to expect someone to commit to spending 15+ years with an animal you barely meet. I would talk to the rescue about rehoming her, and look for a cat that’s more aloof– they’re definitely out there! Maybe look for one in a foster home so you have better intel on its behavior in a house.

      8. Churu treats – please try them. Cats love them. Also, boiled White rice (in balls) with small boiled chicken (boiled in water).

      9. Helpful trick I learned when moving a cat (elderly owner died and the feline was taken to my house, where he had never been): elevate their food and water dishes. I’ve found that about 8″ off the ground is really nice for them. Cats are prey for larger creatures, and a cat that is recovering from surgery and in a new place is going to have its “I am prey” instincts on high. Moving the dishes up a bit helps them to feel less hunkered down and vulnerable.

      10. Hugs to you and Cat, OP. Both of you are going through a lot right now. It’s odd that the rescue would place her so soon after her spay, so I bet between the spay and being in a new place, kitty is just all upset. Can you give her a worn tshirt or something that smells like you so she can have “you” while not being with you? That might give her enough comfort to make her want to eat and drink.

        You are not at all a garbage human for wanting to return this cat. You are not a garbage human for wanting what’s best for her, even if it’s not your home. If you were a garbage human, you wouldn’t give a thought to her feelings. Cats are far more resilient than we think and if she went back to the rescue now, she would be fine in the future. You’re not dooming her for a life of sadness and trauma.

        Can you take her to a vet to get some fluids in her and stick it out through the weekend?

      11. This sounds very stressful. I would not assume that the Rescue is the expert. Please at least call a vet and ask for a consultation over the phone.
        Also, once the cat heals and eats and adjusts to a new environment, she may well be less clingy, and she won’t need to be in one room 24/7. And who knows, she might prefer a calm environment and one person to a house with a couple of kids and a dog.

      12. Here are typical post-spay instructions for a cat: 1/2 ration for dinner; full ration for breakfast the next day; confine to a small room for 24-48 hours; don’t allow the cat to exercise strenuously (e.g., climb, jump on furniture) for 10-14 days; prevent the cat from licking or scratching at the incision; and check the incision at least daily for redness, swelling, and drainage until it is healed. While it’s concerning whenever a cat isn’t eating or drinking, it’s common for the stress of surgery and/or moving to a new home to affect eating and drinking patterns. The typical guideline is to seek veterinary care after 48-72 hours of abstention. Do you know what vet clinic spayed the cat? If you don’t have paperwork regarding the spay, you could look at the cat’s rabies certificate. It’s probable that the same clinic that administered her rabies shot did her spay. You could call them to get info specific to the cat. They may insist on only speaking to the rescue, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

      13. I am a mother of 3 children and there were many times I held my screaming baby and just stood there not knowing what to do, struggling to bond with my challenging baby. It’s completely normal to struggle to bond. I struggled with all 3 of my babies and had to be deliberate with bonding.

        You have a cat that was just spayed and has been put in a new environment with a new owner. I can’t think of anything worse in terms of bonding for both you and the cat. As others have said, I would get the cat to a vet, speak with the veterinary nurses and get their advice because the advice from the rescue has been lacking at best and I’m shocked they placed the cat with you straight after being spayed. There is also nothing wrong with a failed adoption. If it’s not a good fit, it’s not a good fit. If you go this route, why not try fostering so you get an idea of the different personalities. If you bond you can adopt the fostered cat, otherwise you can let the cat be adopted.

        I read the responses yesterday and if people don’t have supportive advice, they need to not respond. Let’s be women who support women. Be kind. Be helpful.

        1. Not the OP, but thank you for this comment. I was always afraid I would have trouble bonding if I had children. Even my friends have mostly been “friends at first sight,” and I often feel like I don’t have control over who I like and don’t like!

          I have a different cat predicament; last year I adopted two ultimately incompatible cats in succession, and kept the one I adopted first. I felt neutral about him from the start, but I assumed this was because of grief from my previous cat’s death, or because this cat was rescued from bad circumstances and going through his own challenges, but he bonded quickly with my husband and was the right fit on paper, so I figured that was good enough. But when I brought home a second cat hoping they’d become friends, the second cat and I adored each other and grief was no obstacle at all! I was truly happy. But since the second cat was only on a trial adoption, when the first cat absolutely couldn’t adapt to the presence of the second cat in the house, I gave up him up so the rescue could find him another home.

          Now I’m having such a hard time bonding with the cat I kept, and I can’t understand why I can’t get over myself already when this was all my decision in the first place. I go through the motions and keep hoping I’ll feel differently. It feels like both the cat and I have made an effort, but also like it’s never going to be effortless for either of us? I don’t seem to have any life wisdom that applies. I’m just hoping things can work out better for OP who I feel still has some more choices and possibilities left, whether it’s bonding with this cat once she’s recovered from her spay, or like you suggested, maybe fostering or otherwise continuing to meet cats until the right cat appears.

          1. It’s so hard. For me, it helped to care for my babies and I bonded with my cats and dog through grooming them.

            For the cats, I would feed them salmon the children didn’t eat. It was an excellent way to reduce waste and it helped with bonding as it was me who fed the cats this.

          2. I think it would help if this cat liked treats or food! I think this is karma though, since I have a few dietary restrictions and now I know what it feels like when someone just doesn’t accept food from you. But I got my first cat kiss from this cat after I bought and assembled a cat house for him, so gifts still help. I dote on him daily, so my only plan is to just keep at it. Thanks for sharing your experiences and for replying. I hope OP’s cat has started eating by now.

  16. Yikes! I was yesterday years old when I learned that if you have ulcerative colitis, it may predispose you to certain cancers. If you weee writing a users manual for an adult female body, what would you add?

    1. I don’t have UC but have other GI issues that result in lots of inflammation. I’m just assuming a cancer in that area is probably in my future…

      Doctors only seem interested in treating my symptoms, not finding the Cause.

    2. Yes! And some medications for UC can also predispose you for other cancers (see Hank Green having UC and getting lymphoma, he said it was a known risk of one of the medications he had been on).

      1. I wonder if this was the Kate Middleton situation. None of my business but nothing seemed to spread the word of younger people needing colonoscopies like colon cancer taking down the Black Panther (RIP).

    3. Hormone shifts during perimenopause can seriously exacerbate mental health issues.

    4. The book Doing Harm had a lot of examples of women specific information or gaps in information that I hadn’t thought of before. And I keep learning of more.

    5. Women weren’t usually included in prescription medication trials and vaccine trials until 1993 and even now there isn’t much effort made to find the correct dosage for us. We get the same dosage as men, which is usually too much for us, which results in women suffering unnecessary and potentially harmful side effects. https://news.uchicago.edu/story/women-are-overmedicated-because-drug-dosage-trials-are-done-men-study-finds

      My poor mom got so, so sick from the initial Covid shots which is what caused me to research this more. (To be clear, she 100% feels it was worth it to avoid Covid, and she got all the boosters she was eligible for, but it was hard to see her so miserable, knowing a smaller dosage likely would have served the purpose.)

      1. I’m sorry she had to deal with bad side effects. It would mean so much if they would make “overresponder” vaccine formulations for people with trigger happy immune systems the way they make “underresponder” extra strength formulas for seniors. As it is, they usually exclude people with overreactive immune systems from trials because they don’t want their reactivity to skew the data, and then afterward tell us to be grateful for what we get (which… I am grateful for, but when will they ever work harder on this?).

        I was excited by this recent study on women’s immunity (partly since autoimmunity is a historically badly neglected category of illness that disproportionately affects women), but struck by the part about how medicine uses male derived cell lines that allow many of women’s antibodies to be missed (if I understood correctly): https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/02/women-autoimmune.html

  17. I have a pretty solid/comfortable job, but I’ve never earned my bachelor’s degree. Are schools like WGU as looked down upon as I think they are? I think I need to go back to school, but I don’t want to get into a ton of debt at this point in my life. I feel like it’s just a box I need to check.

    1. I think your field and career goals matter a ton here, but generally I’d avoid WGU and the like.

      In your shoes I’d get an AA from community college then finish up either at the local, affordable college (or any online state university). My brother did his AA then BS and got a GREAT deal for “adult learners” at a local private university – it was cheaper (and better ranked) than the local state university by several thousand. In my area many colleges have some sort of deal for CC transfers.

    3. It depends where you work and what your career path is, but if you already have a job and are checking a box, I think WGU is fine. I work for a defense contractor and there are people with WGU degrees here. Obviously this may vary according to what you want to do. You could also explore similar online programs from more traditional universities – there are many.

    4. Honestly, yes, for most career paths WGU or Arizona state online or similar are totally fine. I assume yours is one of those if you’ve made it this far without a degree at all. Check the box while minimizing expense and then move on to enjoying the rest of your career.

      Also, explore community college locally for some credits.

    5. Probably depends on industry, but in IT a reasonable number of successful people have degrees from online colleges.

    6. A close relative got a degree from WGU (computer science) in a similar situation (had several years professional experience; needed to check the box to get past screeners). It worked great for that purpose; and he was able to use it to get jobs quickly. It doesn’t read like the really sketchy online courses, like Corinthian would have or something.

    7. Look into Thomas Edison State U. In NJ. Middle States accredited , 100% on line, and for working adults. They are not for profit and not a diploma mill just to make money,

  18. It’s Friday and I’ve got a to do list I’m working through in bursts in between Procrastination.

    Just gave myself an at home hair cut refresh.

    And it’s almost time to think about lunch…

    What are your Friday WFH procrastination tasks today?

    1. I slept 5.5 hours last night – I’m a person who prefers > 8 hours. So today I’m cutting myself a break and taking on some admin tasks rather than setting myself up to fail on anything substantive.

      Maybe a mango lassi is in my immediate future.

      1. I wasn’t very specific! So aside from making the mango lassi, I will be:

        Following up on a couple of emails that don’t require me to do new work

        Rebalancing my 401k to de-risk it a little and lock in some recent gains (I’m nearing retirement)

        Having my college aged daughter who is on break help me put together my new desk & take apart the old one to move it to another room. Cleaning my home office thoroughly while everything is out of there.

        Continuing my efforts to cull some of my vast book collection by walking 2-3 at a time to a Free Little Library box or two in my neighborhood.

        Sounds like a pretty useful day even if I can’t brain today.

    2. I got a ton done this week, so I’m taking today pretty easy. Did the dishes, need to mop, probably ordering groceries. Need to think about dinner. Probably doing some general tidying up while remaining available on Teams. I’m so guilty about slacking off at work (even though I did a lot!) that I have to do housework! ;)

    3. Super quiet day for me so I’m doing my nails, doing laundry, will probably go for a walk/run, planning out a trip, meal planning.

  19. i JUST got new eyeglasses with my NEW prescription (ok about 2 months ago now) and everything is blurry. i need a new eye doc anyway but how much should i be worrying about this?

    1. I’d assume the glasses were made incorrectly rather than assuming my eyes were failing… how’s your vision with your old glasses?

    3. I totally got someone else’s prescription one time. Go back to the optician. My optician has a policy of free re-do’s within the first 90 days. On one occasion I think it was my prescription but it just wasn’t quite right, plus for graduated bifocals they had the reader portion sitting too low in a big lens, and I had those redone twice before they were good.

    5. Worry! They may have gotten the pupillary distance wrong or made another mistake. Take them back now so they know it’s their fault. You already gave your eyes a chance to adjust and they didn’t.

    6. Something my optician told me is to test out the new glasses by putting them on first thing in the morning – something about sleep resets the part of your brain that can struggle to adjust when you first try them on at the office in the middle of the day. But if your eyes and brain adjusting takes max a few days, not a few months

  20. We inherited property in another county and have become defacto slumlords due to lack of communication. We rent through a mgmt company and the tenant got us violated in a big way. We want to fix the major problems to avoid fines. But then we can either sell as is or fix up like a flipper. We have a realtor who gave us a general contractor number and he is interested in buying. We want to get as much as we can out of the property as we have other funds to fix it up. Can we go into a partnership with the realtor or would that not be worth it for him? Is this silly if we don’t have the knowledge of the market? should we just avoid the fines and sell? PS: thousands of fines start in one week but we can stop it by pulling permits.

    1. I would just sell it is as quickly and soon as possible, but I have a very low risk tolerance and would be willing to give up some of the return to have it not be my problem anymore.

    2. Stop and back up. Your realtor wants it, which means don’t take advice from your realtor or go into business with this person.

      Call an attorney about the fines.

      Find your own general contractor.

      Talk to the management company about how this happened.

    3. Country or county? Big difference. But yes I’d be generally inclined to sell. Real property is almost never worth the headache, unless you love the location and intend to visit the property yourself on a regular basis.

  21. The featured blazer seems dated to me, and I’m not sure why. The shrunken sillouette? Contrasting trim? Does it look current to you? I like it, I just think it looks 10 years old.

    1. It could also look 100 years old. It’s a pretty classic Chanel style. These things trend in and out of being hot at the moment, but they’re always around.

    2. I am both crying and laughing inside (at myself not you) that this looks shrunken to you. I guess that’s how big, long, and roomy the current trend is, that this looks shrunken by comparison. I think it’s just sort of classic. In the interests of transparency, I have to admit to being someone who does not like the oversized looks that is current.

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