Coffee Break: Large Carine Leather Hobo Bag
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Ooh: I'm drooling over this hobo from Tom Ford. The large “pop tab” hardware is signature to the brand's Carine line of bags, and I like how it's cool yet subtle.
The large shoulder bag is also quite nice, but I've always been a hobo girl at heart…
The bag is $4,890, at Nordstrom; it also comes in a chalk white (but there's only one left!).
Hunting for something similar? Strathberry and DeMellier have more structured versions, while Mansur Gavriel‘s is slightly more slouchy.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
Does anyone have recommendations for a photographer who could take professional headshots in Northern Virginia? TIA!
Does anyone feel that you get an abnormal amount of blisters on your feet? All sorts of shoes give them to me. I even bought Sambas and they ripped me up but it doesn’t seem to happen to others. Thoughts?
Yes. I have a couple issues that cause this. One, I hate socks. Don’t like them, don’t wear them unless I absolutely need to. 100% causes more blisters. 2. I tend to push through and just wear shoes even if they hurt. I don’t start slow and break shoes in.
Third is just the shape of my feet. I have very bony feet (thanks ballet), high arches, and narrow heels but average width feet. I often find that shoes just don’t fit my foot shape even if they are my size. This, I have to be really picky about shoes and often buy the same brands over and over.
I have the same type of feet. What brands work for you?
This is my husband. He particularly get blisters on the bottoms of his feet around his arch. He has had the most success by finding inserts that fit well with his feet – and he had to try to a lot of inserts to find the right ones. He also tries to keep his dress shoes going as long as he can after breaking them in. Running shoes aren’t a zero problem, but dress shoes are worse, and we have tried so many different brands and styles. I will say, he has never tried custom inserts because he doesn’t want to spend the money and I’m not dying on that hill because this isn’t really my problem.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any solutions and the whole thing still baffles me. Just saying you aren’t alone.
If it matters, he had the blister problems when I met him in his 20s. He is not overweight. And he has no known medical issues. So I cannot tie the blisters to anything.
OP here. This is me too. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Do you have insurance? Insurance will cover custom orthotics. See a podiatrist.
I think the shape of your heels matters a lot. Mine are narrow, so shoes tend be a little big in the heel and are therefore prone to rubbing, and I’ve also had Achilles tendon issues, so I’m also very sensitive to any extra pressure on my Achilles tendons and they stick out a little, which makes shoes more inclined to rub on the back in a way that wouldn’t be a problem for other people. I’ve learned that I just can’t wear shoes with a stiff heel that hits at the wrong spot; no amount of breaking in will help. I also have a hard time wearing shoes without laces, buckles, straps, or a lot of padding in the heel, especially without socks, as it’s so hard to get the fit right in the heel, though every once in a while I find a miracle pair. I’ve tried every kind of stick on heel pad out there, but none of them seem to last for long.
Yes. I had to give up running because of this. I tried everything and ultimately I could tape up every problem area of my feet before running or just suffer, and I got tired of it. There are only certain dress shoes, etc that I can wear and I bring blister pads everywhere just in case. Counterintuitively, shoes that are looser in the heels help, ie my Sam Edelman Loraine loafers fit loose in the heel and are one of the only shoes I can wear without blisters. I’ve gotten blisters in tennis shoes (heels, ball of feet, side of big toe), flip flops (between my toes), you name it. Anecdotally, I also blister easily on my hands, ie I can easily develop a blister when sweeping or doing yard work. Anyway, commiseration.
I used to be one of those people (and still am in the wrong shoes). I still wear shoes without socks. What helps massively for me – I do not buy any shoes that when you feel the back of them it just feels super stiff and hard, or curves in too much. This means that nearly all my shoes are actually tried on in store, and often are expensive solid leather shoes. The upside of trying shoes on in store also means that you can easily size up whenever a shoes runs small. Most of my problems came from shoes that needed to be a size bigger and backs of shoes that just were blister prone. (And, yes, shoes like Sambas gave me some of the worst blisters ever – the new balance ones on the other hand are gold).
I used to get this problem with almost any shoes, and I still have sensitive, delicate skin, but for me I think it had a lot to do with getting water retention a lot? Anyway, now that I don’t have water retention in general, it seems to happen a lot less. The only shoes I could wear without blisters when it was bad were oversized Danskos or sometimes the kind of boot where nothing is really touching except the sole of the foot!
I rub deoderant on the area where I get blisters if I am not wearing socks and that helps.
Yes! It seems like the only shoes that work are either very broken in already. I got blisters from *comfort shoes* like Vivaia–like back of heels were torn open after 30 minutes of wear. I was baffled and infuriated. It also seems like each pair of shoes can find a brand-new place that’s never been an issue before to rub open and cause wounds/scars. I wore a pair of Nike cushioned sport sandals with soft rubber/webbing (like a Teva style shoe) and got blisters/raw spots from *those*!! HOW.
I think I may just have sensitive skin that is also fragile or something? I am so glad it’s not just me. A couple things I’ve found work (bandaids just immediately get rubbed off) are the pre-heels spray by Barefoot Scientist for shoes that are a slight problem, wearing more mules, resigning myself to having to wear invisible socks / tights/ socks with shoes, and using shoe stretchers on leather or suede shoes has been a big help too.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He’s amazing – incredibly successful, handsome, the smartest person I’ve ever met, and very funny and charming. We spend all our time together and have since almost the moment we met. We are both 29 and planning to move in together some time this year.
Recently, he expressed to me that he’s not sure about settling down in the U.S., and would potentially want to move back to his home city in India. He asked me if I’d be willing to move there with him and relocate longer-term. I was feeling guilty about this prospect at first, because mom is a widow and only has my sister and I for support. I discussed it with her, and she expressed that I have to do what I have to do and live my life for myself. I went to his home city for a week last year, and we will be going again this year to see if I like it.
I am a bit torn. On one hand, I’m so in love with him and I feel like I won the lottery. On the other hand, I do have the guilt about being so far from my mom and about long-term career prospects. My boyfriend is a successful tech founder with the potential for an insanely lucrative exit, whereas I’m a software engineer and don’t feel particularly passionate about my current job. I do think he is more compatible with me than anyone else I could find, and that he’s also an absolute catch – I’ve never met anyone else like him. But we do have different libidos (he’s brought up as a joke being interested in open relationships and threesomes before) and he was very promiscuous before he met me. He swears he didn’t enjoy that lifestyle and has no interest in returning to it, but sometimes I do cringe when hearing about his past or when he makes too many s3x jokes.
Has anyone ever committed to eventually living abroad for a relationship? How did it work out for you? How to balance investing in a relationship with preserving other aspects of life?
Do not, do not, do not move across the world and give up your entire life for just a boyfriend. Even a good boyfriend. I’m serious. I would consider doing that for a spouse but even then, it would not be something to do on a whim. If you move to India, what’s there for you, besides your boyfriend?
I should have clarified – this would be more along the lines of “In a few years, when we’re engaged/married, then we’d move.” But BF is trying to gage if that is something I’d be willing to do, as it might be a prerequisite for us being compatible long-term. Would that change your feelings about it?
Nope. Don’t move to a country where women have no rights.
This. For the love of God, just no.
Excuse me? What are you talking about? Indian women have rights. Clean up Texas first, and then we’ll talk.
Indian women have more rights than you Americans. Abortion, for starters.
Why would you wait years to get engaged when you’ve already been dating for a year and a half? You’re 29 not 19, you either know and you want to get married or you don’t. You don’t have to get married but moving to India as an unmarried woman living with her lover is not a situation I would want to be in.
It has me leaning harder on the no.
We aren’t talking about a country like Ireland here where you would have pretty much the same rights and freedoms you have now, we are talking about a country in which you would become a second class citizen.
Do Not Move.
This.
Another thing, OP, what happens if you are in India and the realtionship goes sideways? What rights will you have? What if you have children?
Speaking for myself, I would never move to another country for a relationship and take a hit to my career without a ring on my finger and a prenup enforceable in the country we were moving to.
Absolutely not. Just as a warning, if you move to India you will probably have to live with your boyfriend’s parents and cater to them and they will never be happy with you if you’re white.
And no one will care if he cheats on you. And you won’t be able to leave him and take your kids.
This. Once you have kids with him in India, you will not be able to come back without leaving your kids behind. Absent abuse, it is extremely unusual to allow kids to be moved from one country to another. The US will send them back even if you can get out.
+1 exactly this!! And I say that as someone who did move for my husband’s job (though not internationally) and have no regrets. But there are so many facts that make this situation a disaster waiting to happen.
This. I’m sorry to say it, but unless you are Indian, do not make this move. My ex was Pakistani and I’m white. There were massive cultural issues that I didn’t realize until a year in. I would have been a second class citizen in my own home while his mother was a queen.
+1000
MIL will decide what food you/the servants are to cook, what you should wear, and when/how you should socialize. If you oppose her on these issues it will be seen as highly offensive.
Totally. I have stopped going out with Indian/Pakistani guys on dating apps because there are just such huge cultural differences that I would never be happy with.
Omg no. This is a terrible plan. You’ll wind up unemployed in a foreign country not particularly friendly to women while he cheats on you.
1000%
Your boyfriend can sponsor his parents to move here if he really needs to live near them.
This. He wants to move to India because he wants to raise a family in that culture, which many Americans consider oppressive to women. If it’s about proximity to family, let him move his family to the US.
My family in India is way more feminist than my white in-laws.
Interesting… please say more. You have the important perspective.
They don’t even have to move here. My BFF’s DH came here from India for his MBA and stayed. His parents have an inlaw suite with a mini kitchen in BFF’s house. They come for 2 months at a time twice each year. BFF rents to students doing rotations at local hospital when they are not in town.
And if he divorces you, you will shamed and ostracized and left without friends or a ‘village’ to help raise your kids, even if he was the one who cheated and requested the divorce. Divorced women are seen as damaged goods. That exact situation happened to a friend’s parents (in the US, but a tight-knit Indian immigrant community). Fortunately this was the US and the mom had an engineering degree so she could work and give the kids a fine life, at least in terms of material goods. Who knows what would have happened if she’d been living in India and unable to work. Don’t do this OP, please!!!
I told my husband I would move to his home country before we got married. Close to the beginning of the relationship, actually. I knew he was the one and I knew I was going to have to be more open to that kind of thing than I had been in previous relationships. We’re still here in the U.S. and talking vaguely about moving at some point in the near future, but inertia is strong.
FWIW we also have mismatched libidos and that’s a thing we have been and continue to talk about and work on, but again, something I’m willing to put up with for the rest of the relationship. He’s never made jokes about sleeping with other people, though. I don’t think that’s an automatic red flag if he did it once or twice and realize how bad it sounded, but if he does that repeatedly, I think there’s a bigger issue there to unpack.
OP here – thank you for your response. Are you feeling excited about the move? Do you think you’d be happy in his home country, based on past visits? Are you feeling like you’d be giving anything up in terms of proximity to family or career?
I think I’d be happy there, but we’re talking about Australia, so culturally very similar in many ways. I do have mixed feelings about being so far away from my elderly parents, but they LOVE him and we’ve had conversations about living my life and not feeling tied down by them. I know that if there were an emergency I could come back. He and I have also discussed how any move we make to any place doesn’t have to be permanent and it’s good to remind myself of that. Career-wise, I know I could find something that would be satisfying and pay enough, but I do feel like I’m making connections where I am that could lead to faster career growth. So that’s something I feel a little sad about potentially leaving. But again, it’s possible we would come back, too, and I think those connections would still be there.
Yes, it’s impossible to make this kind of move without giving things up, but I have made peace with that being what I need to do for our relationship and I also know he is willing to make sacrifices, too. It doesn’t feel one-sided to me. I love him and I want to do this for him.
while there might be some places i’d move abroad for a partner, india is not one of them. especially since i am white.
Ditto. OP, have you visited India at all?
Do not move.
Do not move *especially* because this guy ‘jokes’ about things that make you cringe. In my experience those kind of jokes don’t stay jokes for long.
Do not move because you will have to live with family dynamics and women’s rights that you might not be able to live with. Maybe not quite ‘not without my daughter’ level, but unless you grew up in that culture it will be a compete shock.
Yes absolutely all of this. The jokes are not just jokes, he’s testing the waters.
+1,000. He’s seeing what he can get away with
Yep for sure. By the time a lot of guys “joke” about cheating on you, they’re already doing it.
Yup. Came here to say exactly this. These aren’t jokes, I’m sorry to tell you.
My best friend is Indian American (born here, but with parents who immigrated as adults) and wanted to marry an Indian guy for the shared cultural background, but she ran screaming at any hint of the guying wanting to move back to India. The type of Indian guy that wants to move back there is old-fashioned and wants a very traditional marriage and family. If the issue is just wanting to be close to his family, he can move them to the US. The reason he wants to go back to India is because he wants a lifestyle that’s more socially acceptable there than it is here and it’s a huge red flag if you don’t want that kind of life.
Also all the ‘jokes’ about open marriages and threesomes aren’t jokes and would be a HUGE red flag for me.
I had a similar friend in college. She was okay with her parents helping her find a husband, and okay with an Indian husband, but insisted on guys who were either born in the US or moved here as small children (I think she herself might have been born in India and moved here as a baby).
It’s a huge cultural difference.
Yeah, there are big cultural differences between being born here and coming here even as a kid. My friend ended up marrying a guy who came here I think in elementary school, and they definitely have had some culture clashes over how closely to adhere to certain Indian customs, with him being more traditional than her. But he does NOT want to move back to India and that was a definite dealbreaker for her.
For reasons stated above, you did not win the lottery with him. Break up now.
I’m here for this comment. His guy and his gross jokes are no prize. You deserve better OP regardless of what you decide about the move.
FYI there is a trend of date white and marry Indian especially in more conservative guys. Do not be surprised when you get dumped at 33 for a 24 year old in India that his mom picked.
This. I dated an Indian man who jokes it was ok for them to have fun with white women but never marry one.
I’ve heard of guys who move here and date while having an arranged marriage back home that they will eventually have to go back for!!
OP – any sense that your BF’s questions about open relationships are because he has an arranged marriage waiting for him in India and he’s trying to suss out if you are open to being the side piece?
Hate to say it, but I agree with this. Yikes.
I’d think about what happens in the relationship doesn’t work out, especially if there’s any possibility of kids. Would an Indian court let you bring Indian-born and raised kids back to the US? How does India handle custody disputes? Can you work in India? If so, what kind of work can you get?
I have direct experience with this. DH emigrated to move to my city after we met in his European city. Factors that made it work: DH had lived in my country for 6 months separately prior to us even meeting so was familiar with culture, fluent in English, played a sport that was common in both countries and made it easier to make friends, his immigration status was not dependent on our relationship (education/work experience to come under an economic category), we expressly talked about timelines for marriage and kids before he emigrated.
Factors that made it hard being far from family especially during births of nieces/nephews or illness of parents, time zone making it hard to keep up with regular contact, not having long term friendships in new community, constant feeling of being ‘away’/ having two homes. He feels both at home and not at home in each place and our kids missing out on close relationships with his family – we visit annually but it’s still hard.
Honestly, in your situation I would be extremely cautious about moving permanently without being married and having a generous pre-nup. Do you have an ability to take 3-6 months off work and do some travel in the area? Like one week is not near enough time to understand enough to make this decision.
Would a prenup even be valid in India?
You would have to consult a lawyer in India who works in the area. You can make a prenup that is legally valid in both places but it involves hiring a lawyer in each jurisdiction to advise you.
And the degree to which courts will adhere to a prenup can vary. Appeals are a long and expensive process. It doesn’t help if you win 7 years later when you’re kids have grown up just seeing you in a small rental apartment on weekend a month.
Shit, I still resent having to move from the coast to the Midwest for my (amazing, perfect) spouse almost 20 years ago. Wouldn’t do it again, despite building a pretty good life out here. I’m still homesick, I’m crushed I’m not more available to my aging, ailing dad and I’m depressed for weeks every time I come back “home’ from a visit back west. We have jobs, kids, and a house here now … too much to unwind … so I’m sadly just here now for good until maybe retirement and/or widowhood.
I wouldn’t say I resent my similar move for my husband’s career, but I do consider it a pretty huge sacrifice. There’s no universe in which I would have moved to India, let alone with the added element of the language barrier and the culture clash you’d have as a non-Indian person. It’s wild to me that OP is even considering this.
Same, except my marriage is a mess. Biggest mistake I ever made, and I would think that even if the marriage were good.
The mess of a marriage is partly related to me moving. It sent a huge – and wrong – signal that the life I had built for myself wasn’t really worthwhile, and things that were important to me were expendable.
I was born in India, but moved to the US when I was a baby. I’ve gone back to visits throughout the years, but I’m very happy to come back to the US. I would not want to move to India. My mom thought about retiring and moving back there to be close to family, but after an extended visit last year she changed her mind.
Maybe go visit and see how you like it, but that country is very different from the US. Do you know where you would be living? Would it be just the two of you or would you stay with his family?
Outside of moving to India, the mismatch in libido and him joking about it is a bit of a flat. This can be a huge deal in marriage that can lead to resentment from both sides. If you’re already seeing that mismatch, I would consider what that means long term.
Also, he’s not the only great catch out there. It sounds like you’re saying you’re lucky to have him but potentially moving back to India is a big thing to consider. I would say go visit and and see what you think. If you feel like you could absolutely not live there long term, then it’s best to end things now.
The degree to which OP is putting a lot of emphasis on him being such a catch and her being lucky to have him vs them being a great team and sharing a lot of the same goals and views? Plus the jokes? Toxic vibes.
He makes “too many jokes” about “being interested in open relationships and threesomes”? I have a similar past, had many partners and a lot of experiences, and my husband is fully aware of that past as we practically grew up together. But I have never joked about that with him in the way you describe, because of two things. One, that kind of language would hurt him. Second, because I am fully committed to my husband and don’t feel the need to joke about looking for fulfillment outside of our relationship.
Wake up, friend. You did not win the lottery. This guy is already talking about cheating on you, and now he’s going to move you to a country where you have no rights? For guys like him, that’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
+1000 million.
For me, I think it would depend a lot on his family and what they are like, and whether you plan to have kids. While no one goes into a relationship expecting to break up, what’s your exit plan if something awful happens?
Know your exit plan. Like are there grandparents rights in India? Even if you don’t think he is going to cheat or leave you, what happens if he has a heart attack and dies? Can you come back to the US? Can you work there? Do the kids inherit or is it split with his parents? Can you live on the reminder? IDK the answers to any of these and I suspect you don’t either. At a minimum, get solid legal advice from a lawyer not connected to him.
THANK YOU. Indians are not a monolith. Some families are progressive, and some are not. OP needs to figure that out before any move. It’s amazing that white people are respected as individuals but Indians are not. For a board that skews liberal, there is a lot of unconscious racism in this thread.
I don’t know why it’s racist to say the cultural expectations for women are very different there. All my Indian-American friends would say that. Of course, individual families have different approaches, but it doesn’t change the fact there are very different expectations at the societal level than here.
I also think having kids in a foreign country is extremely risky regardless of what country it is, because then you won’t be allowed to leave unless you give up your kids.
I’m Indian. Like I said, we are not a monolith. I am from a progressive enclave in a major metro area. My family and friends prized independence and equality for women. India is a big country. When you say ‘cultural expectations’, you are assigning a single value system across a vast population. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and honestly neither do your Indian-American friends. It’s a well known phenomenon that immigrants get ‘stuck’ in the norms of their country when they leave, meanwhile their countrymen progress.
Frankly, I moved here and was quite disgusted with the way white Americans told their daughters they were beautiful and their sons they were smart. My neighbor even told me once that her daughter was pretty but not that bright. But I don’t take my limited experience and paint a broad brush.
If we want to talk about raising kids in a foreign country, then fine. But the….ew India, gross! attitude is racist. I’m disappointed but not surprised.
Yep! Lots of Indian friends have said be careful if you date an Indian man. I’ve even had Indian friends who refuse to date someone born there. It’s not racist. It’s cultural differences that are very real and should not be Swept under the rug. Sure there are very progressive Indian men who believe in women’s rights but I don’t think that’s the case with OP’s bf.
Bold of you to assume everyone commenting is white.
This has nothing to do with race. This is about rights and cultural expectations.
Oh you do not like it when people make assumptions and paint with a broad brush?
But not as bold as stereotyping a couple billion people gtfoh
A dear friend of mine is Indian and her in-laws are quite progressive (as is her spouse), but I think their shared cultural background smooths over some of the rough patches. They are also from the same fairly small town in India, so I think the extended families don’t want to tick one another off if they can help it.
FWIW, I want my daughter’s future in-laws to treat her like an absolute gem because she that’s what she deserves. To be frank, I am less worried about my son because I think men get graded on a curve.
99% of the advice given applies no matter what country you move to.
India has the additional challenges of a patriarchal culture. Whatever the situation of women in other countries or states, it cannot be said that women in India are in a solid position in the event of divorce or the death of a spouse.
Americans are not a monolith either (nor are we all white) but there are generalizations you can make about American culture, just like there are generalizations you can make about Indian culture. As just one example, only 20% of women in India work outside the home, but nearly 60% of women in the US do. This and many other cultural differences will impact OP if she moves there. Pointing out these differences isn’t racism.
I agree. I was shocked reading the underline (or open) racism in most of the comments. (On top of the lack of knowledge about foreign countries).
No way. Hardest of the hard no’s on this.
A. After 1.5 years, at age 29, with a successful career, he would be proposing now if he loved you. Not in a few years and conditional on a move to suit him.
B. Promiscuous men do not suddenly change when they get married. The jokes are his way of testing you out, easing you into the idea.
C. Once you follow him to India he has all the power and you have lost your independence. You move, find him cheating, then what? God forbid you have a child. You will never get it out of India.
I am an old and have seen this happen to other lovestruck young girls with terrible results.
Please DO. NOT.DO.THIS.
For context, I’m your boyfriend in this scenario (as in I moved somewhere for school/work, married a local, and occasionally want to go back to my home country because I’m homesick and miss my family. I personally do not joke about sleeping with other people though). I would never do it unless we had a very solid plan for my husband’s career (and we are married – I would not expect a boyfriend to move for me). I also am aware that it’s a huge ask for him to uproot his whole life for me. DH is open to the idea because he likes going there on vacation, but I also know that he doesn’t appreciate some of the challenges and cultural shocks that would come up if we actually moved. After so much time away, I would probably have reverse cultural shock as well. So for now, we are still here. We revisit the idea every couple of years, but agree we won’t do it unless both people are fully on board and have a solid career plan. I would really consider the risks of moving to a country you don’t know well and being financially dependent on him since it sounds like you might be giving up your career? I definitely wouldn’t do it unless (1) you are married and (2) you have spent extended periods of time there and learned to navigate the culture, language, etc. Also, maybe he’s great but the jokes sound kinda gross. If you have any sliver of doubt, do not move with this person. Take it from me, living in a new country is really, really hard sometimes, and I did it with a solid network, knowledge of the language and good career prospects.
There are a lot of ignorant, borderline racist, comments on this thread. Sounds like almost none of you have actually been to India. There are progressive enclaves in the urban area, and the rural areas are more conservative. Sound familiar???
Seriously!! So many racist assumptions!
Correct. And most of us choose not to live in those rural, conservative areas where we have limited freedoms and opportunities, leaving us trapped.
Yes, but if someone said ‘should I move to the US?’ we would not say ‘no, it’s horrible for women there!’ We would talk about regional differences.
Have you been paying attention? The US is becoming increasingly horrible for women.
Umm…. People outside the US totally have this conversation. Gun violence and stories about women not getting the reproductive healthcare they need have been factors in friends turning down higher paying jobs in US.
Outside of the US, we totally do. I’m sorry, but the current climate for reproductive health does mean “no, it’s horrible for women there!” for a lot of us. Outside of the US, the regional differences make less of a difference,
I’m American (not white) and think it’s fair to say American culture has a weird obsession with guns. It doesn’t mean every American likes guns, but as a generalization about the country it’s true we collectively are way more attached to our guns than people in many other countries. I think it’s fair to make generalizations like that about other countries too. India does have a patriarchal culture compared to the US and many other western countries.
Uhh – I would never consider moving to the US due to the 1) death penalty 2) treatment of women/abortion issues 3) truly insane gun situation.
And no regional differences or ‘but not all men/American/whatever’ would change that.
I am also happy to generalize about my own part of the world without caveating too much. So doing the same with India is somehow racism?
There are plenty of Indian Americans and people with close friends who are Indian American commenting on this thread.
Sorry but I don’t ask Italian-Americans about Italy. Ask Italians
So what’s the line? How recently can you have moved here before you ‘count’ as Indian American and apparently are then unqualified to talk about India apparently. Obviously if your family moved here a 100 years ago that’s one thing but plenty of people have friends or family who have moved in the last 5-10 years.
Not really a fair analogy. Most Italian-American have ancestors who came here many decades if not centuries ago. Most of the discussion about Indian-Americans on this thread is about people who were either born in India or emigrated here or at the very least had parents who were born there, i.e., much closer to Indian culture and awareness of what life is like in present day India than someone whose ancestors moved here in the 1800s.
Yup, sounds like why no one in my family lives in rural SW OK anymore (well, that and The Great Depression). And personally, I would love to go to India!
As a random white lady in an urban area, I have to deal with a mom and a MIL who have a lot of traditional cultural expectations that are better suited to 1974 than 2024. No, a guy who takes their kid to the doctor does not deserve the Congressional Medal of Honor. My sister has it a bit worse with a German MIL, who fully expects my breadwinner sister to do all the cooking, pick up after her husband, and do all the cleaning.
I’m having Sally Field “Not Without My Daughter” flashbacks.
India is not Saudi Arabia. Would I move there? Never! But some of the comments on this thread are displaying a horrifying level of ignorance and prejudice.
Most countries will get involved if a non-citizen tries to take native born children out of the country away from their citizen parent. The movie was set in Iran, but it’s not specific to that country.
Frankly, the citizen spouse has a significant advantage in most countries.
+ 1 million
The same issue exists between any two countries. It’s harder in places where the country with jurisdiction defaults with custody to the father but that doesn’t mean you can just leave any country with your kids at any time. Residence and jurisdiction are huge.
You can’t just move your kids home from France if they are born there and live there. India is no different.
Am I the only one thinking of Sophie Turner being stuck in America to fight Joe Jonas? The same issue is true here. You’re not able to just pack up your kids and leave or assume you’ll get custody that favors the mom.
I’d read this and then sit with whether or not you would be ok with this level of (his) parents involvement in your life. I would run screaming from this level of grandparent involvement in my life/my kids life as I think many US born women would. At the very least you need to have LOTS more information about his family – have you even met them?
https://cupofjo.com/2022/08/01/parenting-in-india-mumbai/
That is so messed up. Asking your in-laws for permission for everything around your own freaking children?!
This is crap, I’m Indian and this is nothing like anyone I know. But hey, continue with the worst example of a country you can find. Meanwhile the US is flushing women’s rights down the toilet.
Read the book Mother Land by Leah Franqui. It is this story exactly. It’s fiction but will give you insight into what it would be like to make this move.
I know a number of people who have moved abroad for school or work and met someone and stayed, or whose spouse is from another country. It is HARD. Unless you can afford to have your family come live with you a few months out of the year, you will rarely see them and your kids won’t now them. Do you speak the language? You can learn but will take time and If your husband speaks a language that you don’t when he’s with is family and friends, that would feel incredibly isolating for me. It’s okay to just not want to live in another country-that’s a very reasonable limit. If he’s not it for this reason, you’ll find someone who is – I’m confident that can happen for you.
Look up “trailing spouses”. That is what you would become. I did it for a few years and it nearly tore our marriage apart.
Being a trailing spouse is hard, but not automatically a bad thing. I am one and know a lot of others. It’s a sacrifice, but most people I know who’ve done it don’t regret it.
What makes this situation so disturbing are:
1) the guy is openly “joking” about cheating on her already, and probably testing the waters if he isn’t already cheating
2) a move to any foreign country is risky and makes it significantly more complicated for her to get a job and maintain financial independence, also if they have kids she’ll be stuck there until the kids are grown
3) specific cultural differences with India (most women not working outside the home, having in-laws live with you, stigma of divorce) that will be huge culture shock for a non-Indian person
I live abroad, with my husband who is from a 3rd country. I think it’s great that you’re discussing this option before you get engaged, since it’s an important thing to be aligned on. Are you talking about moving there before you get engaged, or in a few years after you are married? I think if this is going to work, you genuinely have to like living in India, and build up your own friend and career network. My experience of India is that there about 1000 Indias, so, spending some more time there to get to know HIS India seems like a really important thing before you agree. One thing that can be really really hard is if you have kids and then get divorced – check what the laws are on this. Many people get stranded in a country they don’t want to be, because their former spouse won’t let them move with the kids. I am very happy, and love my husband very much, and like where I’m living. And so far have the health and finances to travel to see my family regularly (and vice versa). I can’t speak to how it will feel when my parents need help and I can’t get there quickly or easily.
I need to remodel my bathroom and improve my closets. I live in a condo in Chicago, Lakeview area in a high rise, on Lake Shore Drive. My building has a new management company. The new management increased the insurance requirements for the contractor. I am having a hard time finding a contractor that has the certificates of insurance at the needed liability amounts.
Do you have recommendations for a contractor in Chicago?
Thanks!
If you find a contractor you like, you may be able to take out a supplemental policy (at your cost) for premises liability on the contractor for the augmented liability amounts. If it’s just for a short-term project, it might be worth it.
Signed Blake on ig has a whole highlight on her contractors. She’s Chicago based and has extremely high standards!
I live abroad, with my husband who is from a 3rd country. I think it’s great that you’re discussing this option before you get engaged, since it’s an important thing to be aligned on. Are you talking about moving there before you get engaged, or in a few years after you are married? I think if this is going to work, you genuinely have to like living in India, and build up your own friend and career network. My experience of India is that there about 1000 Indias, so, spending some more time there to get to know HIS India seems like a really important thing before you agree. One thing that can be really really hard is if you have kids and then get divorced – check what the laws are on this. Many people get stranded in a country they don’t want to be, because their former spouse won’t let them move with the kids. I am very happy, and love my husband very much, and like where I’m living. And so far have the health and finances to travel to see my family regularly (and vice versa). I can’t speak to how it will feel when my parents need help and I can’t get there quickly or easily.