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What are your favorite Christmas traditions?
With the passing of my grandmother, at whose home we would always gather, my family is doing Christmas eve and Christmas day for the first time in 30 years without her. This first Christmas will be at my home-seven adults, no children at this time. While we will be continuing many of the traditions we have always enjoyed, I am hoping to start a few new ones, as well. What are you favorite Christmas eve and Christmas day traditions to share with your family?
Anonymous
My suggestion would be, for this year, simply to do the traditions you have always enjoyed. This year will be a big year for all of you, and a very big change. Keep it simple, keep enjoying what has worked. It will be a poignant year, and that’s OK. Part of it won’t feel good at all, may not even feel like Christmas, and that’s OK, too.
Anon
Following, because in the same situation, except it was my mother who passed and we’re left with a smaller nucleus. First time in several decades I won’t be traveling home for Christmas. While some traditions can be carried on, most cannot, simply because they were wrapped up in her company. Would love to hear about new ones to add, for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
OP
This is exactly my circumstances. My family has been traveling and doing Christmas as part of a larger group and attending multiple holiday events at different relative’s houses over the course of the holidays, but we are smaller this year and staying close to home . It will be a hard year and I want to honor my grandmother’s traditions, but adding a couple of new ones that my family may also enjoy.
Belle Boyd
First of all, my condolences and hugs to those of you facing holidays without a loved one for the first time this year.
I agree with keeping it to the traditions you have always done. My mother passed away last year, at the beginning of November. The holidays were rough, and I’m finding them even rougher this year. The only difference we made last year was that my sister and I decided that (with the exception of Thanksgiving, which I do — she has to work the day before and I’m off so I have time to do all the prep work) we’d swap holidays. My mother was homebound and at my house, so every holiday was at my house. We had Christmas at my sister’s house last year. That meant critters, my sister’s son and daughter-in-law, and their almost-2 y/o who chased the critters and was like a little tornado in an adorable little holiday outfit. It was chaos, and totally unlike the Christmases we had at my house with Mom.
We’ve talked about doing things like going to brunch for Easter or changing up the menu, but so far, we haven’t changed anything. It’s hard to let go of traditions, and right now, so soon after a loss, emotions may be a bit too raw to try it. If you really need to make a change, try adding one or two little things instead of taking something away. I’ve started putting my tree up Thanksgiving weekend. I usually waited until mid-December to do that. It’s kind of nice to have the house all decorated — it wasn’t really possible before because Mom was in a wheelchair and it was hard to subject her to navigating around a rearranged house for a whole month. Now it’s just me I have to worry about tripping over furniture that isn’t where it usually belongs! In time, the things that won’t work for your family will eventually fall away and the more meaningful traditions will stay.
Anon
Since losing my mother, it has become a part of Christmas traditions for me and my family to honour and cherish those we lost and also those who are away. We take a moment, at a quieter time of the day, to go over old photos, not just of my mum but of deceased grandparents and even great-grand parents, tell stories to the kids about them, or about our childhood Christmases including in a natural way the people we loved. May be work a little more on the family album – add the most intimate or most poignant phots of the year to the album to tie the past and the present. It’s not done in a ceremonious way – more like, accepting those moments when we think of them and instead of pushing the memory back, bring it out with love (and yes, some tears, especially the first year). I cannot explain why or how this works but for me it is a way of remembering and showing that the love they gave us is still there and that we still love and miss them.
oil in Houston
I love this. my grandma passed away this year, and I think we’ll do this
potato
Are there any local events that would be fun? Christmas Eve caroling? You could do a cookie taste-off (either family could bake different recipes or you could compare the products of different bakeries).
I’m with you on starting some new traditions. The Christmas after we lost my mother was incredibly depressing. Getting out of the house and keeping busy would have been really good for us. Trying to recreate our traditional Christmas without her just underlined her absence.
SC
I agree with keeping it simple. Most of my favorite traditions are small things. My mom always buys a Christmas-themed puzzle for people to work on as they sit around. My in-laws always have hot chocolate when we gather on Christmas morning. Another set of in-laws always serve peppermint ice cream for dessert after Christmas lunch. I doubt any of these things started because someone was looking for a tradition–they just did something that made sense for the gathering (puzzles keep everyone out of the kitchen, ice cream is store bought and simple to serve), and people enjoyed it, and they repeated it the next year, and then it was a tradition.
Anonymous
I’ve found personally that I’m happier completely jettisoning tradition that first after a loss. Every part of that tradition makes me feel the absence of the person rather than recall them warmly. I love the idea above of taking some time to go through old photos and telling stories as a way of joyful remembrance.
In answer to your actual question: on Christmas Eve, we eat an easy meal that feels “cozy,” something like soup and grilled cheese or a frozen lasagna and salad. After Mass, we drag in all the beanbag chairs, big pillows, and cozy blankets we can find and watch movies, eat fancy popcorn, and drink too much champagne. The movie choice is kind of a tradition: a few days before Christmas we set up a group chat in which everyone nominates three movies. We each get a chance to eliminate one movie from the list until only two movies are left. That means we have two movies that no one in our diverse group absolutely hates.
On Christmas day, we have coffee and cinnamon rolls, presents, and eat homemade Mexican food. After everyone naps off the tamales and margaritas, we play touch football.
S in Chicago
After the death of my dad and my MIL in the same year (and DH’s subsequent feud with his sisters) all the usual holiday events changed. My mom, husband and (out-of-college) stepson now stay a few days at a fancy hotel in our big city location. It’s fun staying somewhere different even if it’s not far. Fancy dinners. Walk around and look at the lights and decorated windows. It helps distract from who is missing.Husband and I get a suite so we can all gather comfortably. And mom and son stay in their own rooms (often on other floors). It gives some control on how much they do or don’t want alone time.
DLC
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband’s parents died two years ago and we have tried to keep their traditions. My favorite is we always read “‘Twas the night before Christmas.” Everyone has their own copy of different version and we take turns reading and showing pictures. It was one of my mother in law’s favorite poems and she collected different editions.
holly
we play these holiday-themed trivia games that my uncle finds online somewhere. winner gets scratch off lotto tickets and in my highly competitive family, bragging rights for the whole year.
NOLA
My brother and I now have neither parent left and my sister-in-law never knew my mom (she met my brother about a year after our mom died, now 30 years ago). We keep some traditions – we always have a big spaghetti dinner together because that’s what we always had on Christmas eve at home, and my brother and I make the sauce, and my SIL bakes Christmas cookies from my mom’s recipes (and there’s one that only I will make for my brother because they’re complicated). I made my SIL a recipe box of my mom’s recipes and she makes a lot of them! There are other traditions we have had with my stepmother and sister-in-law – we always do a Christmas puzzle that is on a card table in their living room and we always have a game night (usually Quelf, which we’ve been playing since my nephews were little, and sometimes UNO). My brother always has to watch Christmas Vacation.
Anonymous
We like to play some simple games that are funny. Maybe do a white elephant
Leah
I’m super b!tchy about the postal service closure today…waiting on mail order medication for a dying pet.
Tell me something positive.
Anon
Hug?
Leah
:) Thank you, that’s kind.
Owl Lover
Our office is also upset about it.
I guess the positive is that USPS workers get a much needed break this time of year.
Anonymous
I’m not sure that’s how they feel about it. It’s not like there are fewer packages, so they’re going to be slammed tomorrow. I think they’re actually doing limited deliveries today just so it’s not a complete disaster.
Owl Lover
Thats true. Ugh.
Anonymous
Yes, my husband is a mailman and was mandated to work today to deliver packages. There is no way they could miss a day of package delivery at this time of year. They are already going in early and staying out late every night.
s
I’m so sorry. I’ll admit, I was annoyed because I’m waiting on CPAP supplies to use for my sleep apnea. In the meantime, the worn out mask I’m using leaks, so I’m getting almost zero sleep and headaches. Thank you for helping me get perspective. I’m less annoyed now thinking about folks waiting on things way more important. I’m a huge dog lover–he’s like a child to me. I’d be an absolute wreck. And now I’m realizing there’s folks waiting on medical equipment way more important than mine. So frustrating.
Anon
While it’s okay to be annoyed at the higher ups- please don’t take this out on your mailman!! My dad is a mailman and it’s already a thankless job but this time of year is just so, so hard on them. I feel bad for them- the one time they catch a break people complain… I don’t see much complaint about the stock market and associated industries being closed. Not directed at you OP, just an observation.
On the flip side, I’m also a government employee and while it felt like the rest of the government was off I worked a 13 hour overnight shift…ah the joys of being essential staff.
joan wilder
TJ: Recommendations to fight refrigerator odors that work? Foods in my new (rental) fridge keep picking up that stale, refrigerator smell.
Clothing report: I ordered the suit of the week from October 24 from Banana Republic Factory (light blue/green). Color was lovely, fabrics felt substantial, but the pants looked awful on me. I have to accept BR is just not right for my pear shape.
Houda
Re fridge: I put a small container of either soda powder or ground coffee
anon
+1 if really bad, get a throw away roasting pan and 2-3 boxes baking soda. stir once a day
Lilly
This. It may take a while, so don’t give up if you don’t get quick results. I had a horrifically odiferous garage fridge that I had to empty, wipe down, and set multiple containers of baking soda out in it for about half a year. The fridge we thought was destined for the dump is now perfectly fine.
Anonymous
BR Logan fit pants are the only suit pants that work for me. I’m a pear. It’s BR regular (not BR factory) and the wool pants are always lined. Sometimes I have to fiddle with sizing (I have 4 and 6 in my closet, and this week got a mail order 6 that was too snug and is going back; I swear my size is pretty static and the 4 is the oldest).
May be worth a try b/c nothing else has ever worked.
Equestrian Attorney
Second the Logan recommendation as a fellow pear. The Sloans never worked for me. I actually had better luck with the Gap Ankle stretchy pants (feel free to size up).
Anonymous
Odor Magic filters. You can buy them at the Container Store.
pugsnbourbon
I ordered activated charcoal odor absorbers on Am@zon. They work pretty well – they have a light scent that’s dissipated and they’ve done a good job of absorbing cooking smells and musty basement funk.
Anonymous
Life pro tip: leave orange peels in your fridge until they get dehydrated/shrively; then replace with fresh peels. I find they absorb the stale smells than a baking soda.
MagicUnicorn
Gorgeous color.
Anyone have a favorite toiletries bag to recommend? I need something for family road trips where we pack full size versions of everything, so tall enough for those and preferably with compartments that keep toothbrushes separate from the messy shaving cream can that DH has somehow never figured out how to rinse clean after use. We currently use one of those cheap wine totes from the grocery store and, shockingly, it is less than ideal.
Anon
The LL Bean Personal Organizer Toiletry Bag
HTXLaw
I am a fan of cheap toiletry bags lest things leak or baggage is lost. I’m pretty hard on mine too. I just get one from Walmart. The female exec I know who travels the most uses gallon freezer bags.
Anonymous
Yes, plastic bags (double bag them)
MagicUnicorn
The problem with plastic bags for car travel is that they turn into slippery chaos at our destination, falling all over the place, collecting water, no handles to carry them by or hang them from for use, and eventually DH shoves everything into whichever bag is available (and I am NOT a fan of shaving cream on my toothbrush, hairbrush, etc.). I’m looking for something like a cheaper knock-off of the LL Bean one that will hold stuff neatly and hang on the doorknob so things are falling off the limited counter space in the guest bathroom.
Anonymous
Get a shoe bag with plastic pockets and hang it on the back of the door. Plenty of pockets for all the bottles.
Or go to the cleaning supplies section of a store and get one of those plastic caddies made for carrying bottles of stuff around. Set it on the floor in the bathroom.
Or just buy one of the cheapo hanging versions of the thing like LL Bean makes.
Or keep your stuff separate in your own bag and put your husband in charge of his own shaving cream and packing it however he wants.
NOLA
I love mine, but I don’t think they’re made anymore. Maybe from Pottery Barn? Large velvet bag with plastic lining. I have spilled many times in it, but nothing ever got on my clothes. I use it to pack my full-size toiletries in the top of my checked bag. I saw something that might fit what you’re looking for on Scout.
MagicUnicorn
Thanks, all! I will look for a budget option like the LL Bean one, since this one will end up riding in a trunk and not a plane and simply needs to sit on a countertop without flopping everywhere once we reach our destination.
Anon
I was a passenger this morning with someone. The person in front of us was going about 10 under the speed limit. Driver started tailgating them a bit but it wasn’t that excessive. There was still room to stop if the person slammed on their brakes. The first thing the car in front did was stop in the middle of the road, I guess to make it a point to stop tailgating. They then sat through two green lights, with the intention I assume to teach the driver a lesson? I told the driver that they shouldn’t tailgate because it’s dangerous but the other driver’s response seemed like an over-reaction and also dangerous. When you are driving and someone tailgates you, what is your response?
Jane
I just ignore it and keep doing what I’m doing. I’m not going to drive faster. I also try not to let myself get angry because you never know what’s going on in that person’s life. One time I was trying to get to the hospital when a loved one was dying and I swear everyone was driving so slow. I probably tailgated a few people then.
Suburban
What that person did is crazy, dangerous and in no way normal. I have pulled over in response to tailgating. That seems to make both me and the tailgater happier.
Be careful out there. People are crazy on the roads.
Anonymous
If I can (and I usually can), I let them get around me. Idiots can be idiots without endangering both of us.
Lessons can be taught by the police (or g-d, if you are religious), but that isn’t my job and I’d prefer not to begin my day with a wreck or some road-rage incident.
Anon
If someone is tailgating me, I GTFO of their way, if I can, but I also just drive my own car and let them worry about them. Your driver shouldn’t have tailgated, but the person who did that was impeding traffic, and sitting there stopped during green lights could cause a serious accident. If that happened to me, I would have called the non-emergency line with their license plate. I live in the city and unfortunately driving really close together stoplight to stoplight is just normal driving on our city streets. A couple blocks from my house is a big historical boulevard and tourists think it’s OK to drive 10-15mph to gawk at the mansions (it’s a 30 and a main road to get around for the rest of us), but usually flashing your lights or giving a light tap of the horn will get them to speed up or pull off to the side of the road.
Anonymous
I used to have some serious road rage issues. I’d get so irrationally angry when someone pulled out in front of me or if they drove under the speed limit. It was weird because I’m not an angry or irrational person in other areas of my life. It was like driving turned me into a monster. I tried so hard to change my reaction but it never helped. I have since started leaving 10-15 minutes earlier, because I noticed I’d get angrier when I was more in a rush. I also listen to podcasts or audiobooks while driving because it helps me slow down and enjoy the journey more.
anon
I wanted to let you know I appreciated your honesty. I posted comments below on what made me rage-y in the past, after thinking about your comment. I also found the same with audiobooks.
a sincere thank you, that was really cool of you.
anon
I definitely slow down to an annoying speed if a jerk driver behind me tailgates. That being said I’d never come to a true standstill though I wouldn’t judge another who did unless it was a highway or other fast road.
As a side note, I feel like drivers have gotten dramatically worse over the past ~10 years, it seems like the percentage of tailgaters and dangerous drivers has really increased even beyond just what I would expect from distracted driving of people talking on phones (or doing worse stuff involving phones) while driving.
Anon
+1 I slow down, but not if there’s only one lane. In that case I try to slow down. Also, I go 5-10 mph over the speed limit and rarely drive in the far left lane so there is no reason to tailgate me.
SC
I’ve slowed down from the speed limit (30 mph) to about 25 mph under the speed limit just to annoy a tailgater on a one-lane neighborhood road with 2 elementary schools. I drive fast on the highway, but if someone wants to go faster than me there, I just move over a lane if I can.
Anon
*in that case I try to pull over
Anon
I spray my windshield wiper fluid on my windows and it gets on their car and makes them back off usually. I hate tailgaters with a passion.
Belle Boyd
I did this once and the person tailgating was in a convertible with the top down. Message sent. And received!
My evil twin was out to play that day.
anon
also, they then can’t see and hit you/something else…..
Anon
Uh no, it’s not that dramatic – it’s like a sprinkle of rain, come on.
anon
as a driver of a convertible (several models over 15 years):
1. yes, it can be bad enough to not see well through
2. it doesn’t get in our cars. I’ve driven in rain and as long as you are over a (pretty low) speed, aerodynamics kick in so we’re not getting wet directly anyway
Vicky Austin
If somebody is tailgating me, as long as my speed and following distance are reasonable for the area, I do not change one solitary thing about my driving. But I would never do something so drastic as sitting through a green light just to teach somebody a lesson; I would be too worried they’d get angry or out of control and rear-end me.
Hick town
I drive on two lane (as in, me vs on-coming) interstates with 60 mph limits and a lot of semis, but also commuters and school buses.
Do not like tailgating, or going under the limit, but what really scares me is unsafe passing. So if someone is driving agressively, I might slow down a bit just pragmatically knowing that if they can’t get back in ahead of me, they’ll try to pass two cars at once.
Anonymous
If I can get out of the way, I do. If I can’t, I usually slow down a bit, but more because I want more distance between me and the car in front of me in case the tailgater can’t stop. (I don’t want to be bumped into the car in front of me.)
Lyssa
Agreed. If I think the situation is getting dangerous and I can’t move out of the way, I might slow down a bit just for safety’s sake, and take more care about hitting my brakes early and gently. But otherwise, ignore. That other driver’s response was horrible, to the point that I worry they might not be entirely right in the head.
Anonymous
I move out of the way as soon as it is safe to do so.
Anonymous
I get out of the way if possible.
In driver’s ed, I was taught to tap the brakes very lightly, just enough to activate the brake lights, to warn the tailgater. The one time I tried this, the crazy guy tailgating me followed me all the way to my destination and then got out of his car and tried to talk to me as I ran into the building. Fortunately, he did not enter the building.
anon
I thought about this while driving this morning.
I have had periods of getting angry with other drivers too. I found it is often one of:
anxious
late
tired
hungry
upset about something else
**lack of control, fairness or respect somewhere else in my life
**is easy to see in retrospect, but I didn’t know it at the time
Anonymous
This describes me as well.
Anonymous
I’ve learned my lesson to just get out of the way. In the past, I would turn on my windshield wipers, and I slow down (because I don’t want to deal with an aggressive driver at my normal driving speed) and tap my brakes a little to show that I’m slowing down (which I feel is less dangerous than just letting off the gas – I want the person to know my speed is decreasing).
One time I did the slow-down thing – I didn’t even use my windshield wipers – and the guy sped around me and slammed on his brakes in front of me. In the middle of a 65 mph freeway. Every time I tried to move around him, he would weave into the other lane and slam on his brakes again. He dropped down to 15 at one point and I was terrified that he would force me to stop and then get out of his car and harm me. I was trying to reach for my phone to call 911 but I was too scared to let go of the wheel for even a second (no bluetooth in that car). I guess eventually he decided he’d had his fun and he continued on, but I got off at the next exit because I was afraid he would follow me home.
Anonymous
No one tailgates me anymore after I bought an SUV (instead of the small car)
Flat shoes to wear with socks and skinny jeans for casual BigLaw office
We are finally casual! I have a frosty office (and it’s cold outside now). I need flat shoes that I can wear with socks when I am wearing skinny-leg jeans and cords. In warm weather, I just wear flats. In high school, I wore loafers b/c Preppy (but that doesn’t seem be the right choice). When IDGAF I will wear Birks and socks (b/c Former Preppies can be Hippies, b/c TooMuchAsheville, etc.), but don’t want that at work just yet. HELP! None of my boots work (all are higher / short heel / cowboy boots; all worn with dresses or boot-cut pants). My other other choice is hiking boots, but they aren’t really comfy and I just wear them . . . hiking.
tesyaa
Cole Haan Zerogrands?
Anonymous
Chelsea boots, oxfords, or fashion sneakers
Pompom
I would do the loafers, or a chunkier, funkier slightly platformed version thereof, like the franco sarto carolynn ones that show up if you g search chunky loafer. Or a slightly platformed oxford.
Would a truly flat chelsea boot work?
Anonymous
Do you all ever wear things like the Merrell Jungle moc with skinny jeans / pants in the winter? Or is that too 1999?
I hate that pants that I can look cute in 3 seasons of the year can look so . . . not cute . . . in the winter. But I just cannot deal with bare ankle skin.
K
I wear booties, black knee high boots, or Vans sneakers. All with jeans and a sweater, all year round. Casual office in tech industry.
S
I wear Timberland Sutherlin Bay lace up booties with skinny jeans tucked into them, but I also wear them with skirts. Super comfortable and weatherproof, but still polished enough to wear throughout the day at my (extremely casual) office.
anon
I would just ignore that everyone on this blog thinks tall boots are out of style and rock some flat ones with the skinny pants.
SF Anon
I have a casual office and I wear skinny pants and cords most days. I live in my Chelsea boots (Sam Edleman Petty) so much that I’m thinking about getting them in another color. I have them in putty (which is like a taupe/greige suede that goes with everything). They’re super comfy (the heel is almost non-existent) but also make my outfit look put together. Now that it’s colder out I wear tall flat boots some days and tuck in my pants (I don’t care if they’re “out,” you can pry them out of my cold dead hands :)).
Books
I’m looking for some book recommendations please. When I was younger I really enjoyed the Little House on the Prarie books, Little Women, Clover and In the High Valley. More recently I enjoyed The Snow Child (which is set later) and I’m looking for similar recomendations? I’m not in America and I wondered if anyone has faveroties set at a similar period. Thanks in advance.
Anonymous
Have you read Lucy Maud Montgomery’s oeuvre? That would be right up your alley.
Vicky Austin
+1,000 forever.
Books
I haven’t I’ll have a look thanks!
Anonymous
I loved the Nancy Drew series (girl detective, with friends George (who is a girl) and Bess (who is plump)). Nancy has a convertible and a boyfriend named Ned. I so wanted to be Nancy when I grew up. In one book, Nancy goes to Belgium and is allowed to roam free (and solve crimes).
Ms B
When I track down a recalcitrant defendant, I refer to myself as “Nancy Drew, girl detective”.
Rock on, Nancy!
Anonymous
Interesting question! I know Sarah Chauncey Woolsey has other books you could try, and there may be more Louisa May Alcott that you haven’t read. Maybe Dodie Smith’s I Capture the Castle? Have you read any Diana Wynne Jones?
Vicky Austin
Ooh, more Louisa May Alcott would be great here! I liked Eight Cousins as a kid.
Books
I can’t belive I haven’t thought to look for more Louise May Alcott! I’ll look at the other two as well thanks.
SW
I can’t belive I haven’t thought to look for more Louise May Alcott! I’ll look at the other two as well thanks.
Books
I haven’t actually read Anne of Green Gables, I did discover the Netflix show this year which I liked so good idea thanks.
Anonymous
Try the book Tisha, by Robert Specht. It’s about a young schoolteacher who goes to Alaska in the 20’s.
Hick town
Loved that book!
Books
I’ll have a look thanks.
anon
Anything by Willa Cather.
Books
Looks perfect thanks.
Anon
Caddie Woodlawn.
Vicky Austin
+1. Loved that book as a kid.
SC
News of the World by Paulette Jiles.
You might enjoy Wendell Berry’s Port William series–they’re set later than the books you mention but have a strong American-rural-pastoral theme.
xarcady
There are two sequels to Little Women, as well as several other books by Alcott–Eight Cousins, Rose in Bloom, Jack and Jill, and several collections of short stories.
Lucy Maud Montgomery wrote many other books besides the Anne of Green Gables series, Emily of New Moon is one of them.
Sarah Chauncey Woolsey also wrote What Katy Did and I think 2 sequels.
Seconding the Betsy-Tacy series.
Not at all the same time period, but the All-of-a-Kind Family is a series set in NYC during the Depression.
You might also like the Mitford series by Jan Karon. It’s modern day, with mostly adult characters, but has the same sort of feel to it as some of the books you like.
Angela Thirkell wrote a long series of books set in a fictional England county. It starts shortly before WWII and then goes through the war into peacetime. The characters are a mix of the grand aristocracy, middle-class folk and the lower classes. It’s a bit Downton Abbey and a bit Charles Dickens and a bit soap opera, but again, similar in tone to many of the things you like.
Books
Thanks, I think I read all the Sarah Chauncey Woolsey books when I was younger but I can’t belive I didn’t think to look for more Louisa May Alcott. I’ll have a look at the others too.
LM Alcott Fan
Read the rest of LM Alcott’s books (which I like more than Little Women: Little Men (still involves the girls), Jo’s Boys, Eight Cousins, Under the Lilacs, Jack and Jill…they are all fantastic.
Celia
I loved Eight Cousins. I also read and re-read all the Swallows and Amazons books growing up (and in to my 20s). Set in the Lake District and other a few other locales in the UK in the 30s. I was so jealous of their freedom to wander all over with almost no adult supervision.
C2
Would it kill Club Monaco to make an XL, 14-16? I would wear all of their clothes but I won’t starve myself to be a 12.
R2D2
That’s how I feel when I look at Universal Standard. I really wish they made smaller sizes!
Monday
Their Foundation Collection is in the full size range, and my understanding is that eventually they are going to simply make everything in the full size range. Hence their name.
Monday
Have you seen The 12ish Style on instagram? She has a series called “Make My Size” where she takes selfies in fitting rooms. She tries on the largest size the store carries, and demonstrates that they don’t fit her. It’s extremely bold and I admire it. She targets/tags a different retailer every time, and she did Club Monaco once.
Storyworth?
Has anyone purchased gift subscriptions to StoryWorth? Are there similar, less expensive options (I don’t care about the book)? Reviews? Thanks!
HM
I have, for my dad, who is impossible to buy for. He likes writing the stories, but finds the frequency (one a week) a little much. I really enjoy reading what he writes.
Ruby
I have never in my adult life had a sufficiently warm winter coat. I’m native to the north, live in Boston and have a high tolerance for being cold. However, this winter I’m caving.
I borrowed a friend’s Canada Goose parka last winter to run an errand and OMG it was so warm. I hate how recognizable it is – generally hate logos, love Cuyana and other less recognizable pieces – but…. the warmth!
Do I suck it up and buy it? I think I could get over the red patch, but is there something more subtle but equally amazing?
Equestrian Attorney
So I need to plug other Canadian coat brands here – due to obvious climate constraints, they make awesome warm jackets (similar in warmth to Canada Goose and often in the same price range) without the CG brand factor. I have no idea if they ship to the US but assume bigger brands will. Popular brands include Mackage, Soia & Kyo, Rudsak, Kanuk, or Quartz. Artizia also makes some really great parkas (I have the Harrison and it’s both warm and stylish). Several have faux fur options (or no fur) if that’s a concern.
Never too many shoes...
I have an Ookpik from Montreal and it is *delightful*.
Tired
I love my Canada Goose. Idgaf.
Anonymous
If you live in Boston and have never been warm, and now you’ve found a comfortable, warm coat …forget about the logo and just buy it.
Anonymama
Yeah, I feel like it’s the same sort of status-chasing as the people who buy something because of the logo, just a different strain, to not buy something you really likesolely because of the logo (which if I remember right isn’t even that big).
Duckles
+1
Anon
Maybe it’s because I’ve never lived in the cold, but I have no idea what a Canada goose jacket looks like or is logoed. I’d wear it if it works!
Candidate
Patagonia down coats! Same function, no logos. My gear-obsessed husband swears by them. Worth it at full price, but he always waits for sales at REI.
busybee
I second the Patagonia recommendation. Love mine.
Duckles
I bought the warmest Patagonia I could find a few years ago and it’s solid down to about 20 degrees but I’m really considering getting something warmer since it’s not warm enough below that. I don’t think they compare to a CG.
BB
You’ll have good luck with most of the outdoor-y brands. A lot of them are making “lifestyle” clothes now that don’t look as sporty. My personal favorite is Arc’teryx (also Canadian). I have a sporty parka from them that’s at least 8 years old now, looks/works like brand new and keep me SOOOO warm. They now have a line of longer and fancier everyday parkas that look awesome too. I think they’re a bit cheaper than Canada Goose but still in the $500-700 range.
Another anonymous judge
I moved to the north and it took me 8 years to finally buy a Canada Goose and honestly, for dog-walking it has no equal. They make a black label line with a black arm patch. I have been thinking over the Elrose parka for about year. Too expensive to justify it since my Shelburne is plenty warm. I swear I will never go back. Even as a Canadian in a city where almost everyone wears CG, I don’t love the red and white patch. My best friend wears Moose Knuckles but they are even pricier and this year kind of crazy in styling (in my respectful opinion). If you’re hesitating on the CG, I say don’t!
anon
there was a VERY similar but not as warm and no logo version on Amazon last year, apply google if interested.
(Former) Clueless Summer
Canada Goose has a line that doesn’t come with the recognizable branding. I think for men it’s called the black label line or something? I assume they have the same for women. But I believe it’s MORE expensive than regular CG.
+1 to Equestrian Attorney with Mackage, Soia & Kyo, Quartz. You could also look at Nobis. Mackage is just as recognizable and ubiquitous to me as CG but maybe that’s because I’m in Canada.
anon
I live in NH and have a ~20 min walking commute. I went for Land’s End warmest coat, which in my experience has been as warm as CG at 1/10th the price (bought on sale, but even without that a pretty significant $ difference). Also considered CG, Patagonia, North Face. I give you full approval to buy a CG coat if that’s going to be what keeps you warm. There’s nothing like being cozy in your sleeping bag jacket when it’s freezing out. Do be careful about not leaving your coat unattended at bars, I’ve had multiple friends in Boston and NYC have their Canada Goose jackets stolen.
Anonymous
Just pulled the trigger on a long LE “warmest” rated coat. Tired of freezing. 50% off today so yay for that. $100ish.
Anonymous
Have you tried any other downcoats? There’s nothing special about Canada goose except real fur. Which yuck.
K
I have an Eddie Bauer down coat that I love. Super warm and pretty cute.
MJ
Try the Sun Valley Parka from Eddie Bauer. I lived in Boston until very recently, and it’s amazing. It’s coated so the wind doesn’t jump through it, like many Pat or North Face down products. It’s 40% off now, and will be 50% off the day after Xmas. I liked mine so much that I have two. Comes in petites, plus, tall and regular sizes. This is the coat you need for under $200 in Boston, and you’ll feel fashionable. Don’t get the Canada Goose down logo jacket. You’ll look like an international kid from BU on the T. (Not actually kidding about that–it seems to be a thing.)
Brir
I have the eddie bauer sun valley and live in MN- it is very warm. Layered with a fleece or sweater it’s comfortable at -10 below. However it is nowhere near as stylish/sleek as Canada Goose in my opinion. Love Eddie Bauer though- if they updated some of their styling they would dominate the winter coat “mid- range “ market!
NYCer
I was also going to recommend Eddie Bauer.
Of Counsel
I am curious as to why real fur bothers you but down does not? (And that is a genuine question. I am not trying to be snarky.)
Anonymous
I have a very warm North Face coat that is similar in style, but not Canada Goose, and far more subtle (Dunagiri). I’m in NYC, so it’s not as bitterly cold as Boston, but it keeps me plenty warm in the winter. Like, wear-a-thin-long-sleeve-shirt-and-be-comfortable levels of warm.
I got it at Nordstrom Rack, and paid less than $175 for it.
Tetra
+1 to North Face (w/ real down) — I got one at Nordstrom Rack a few years ago and it’s very warm.
scraps
Chicago dog-walker here. I have a new North Face coat and can feel the wind seeping in at the seams between the down pockets. Much, much cheaper than Canadian Goose of course.
Anonymous
I felt exact same way. Really wanted warmth of Canada goose but just could not with the logo. I got a beautiful, incredibly warm, understated mackage parka from Nordstrom last year.
Katie
I have had good luck with LL Bean. Some of the parkas are very utilitarian-looking, but I’ve had a simple down parka from them that’s as unobtrusive as a down parka can be for about 10 years. It’s held up beautifully and is great for those bitterly cold days. They’re far more affordable than something like Canada Goose, although I’ve never worn CG so can’t say from experience whether they’re truly comparable.
younglaw
Canadian here. Agree with the comments on Mackage and its sister line Soia & Kyo. I also love the Canadian brand Pajar coats. However, I don’t wear real fur, so I looked for alternatives that still offer the same warmth. I am on my third season with a great down coat from LL Bean – the Ultrawarm Coat, Three-Quarter Length. It is super warm throughout these Canadian winters (I walk 20 mins to work daily) and much better priced than those two. I am a wimp in the cold and this is sufficient. Their coats are warmth rated so you can look at that to get a good idea what you need.
Kk
I’ve moved from Green Bay to Chicago- cold and windy! have a pajar coat that kind of looks like a canada goose- it is SO WARM. The hood is lined all the way with fur, not just around the edges, and has lots of nice touches- fleece lined pockets, suspenders inside etc. I got it at Nordstrom a few years ago and it looks like new. Big fan.
Owl Lover
Funny story, my co-worker was going on and on about wanting a canada goose. She lives out in the suburbs and I was convinced she wanted an actual Canadian goose statue for her yard. My grandma used to have like 4 or 5 of them that she stuck out in her yard.
Anonia
Check Duluth Trading Co. and Eddie Bauer. I have extremely warm coats from both places. The Duluth one I can wear standing still on the playground in 5 degree weather and still be warm.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I am from LA, and last year I had a trial in upstate NY. In January. I wore my wool overcoat to the pre-trial in December and completely froze. For trial, I bought an ankle-length (I am short, comes mid-calf on the models on the website) down parka from LL Bean for trial – it was the right price point for something I am not going to use on the regular, and it was incredibly, incredibly warm and I am cold all the time. I think it was called the Ultrawarm Coat.
Anon
What’s saving your life this season?
Carrots
Finally giving in and buying pre-cut/made meals at the grocery story. It was never something my parents did when I was growing up, or when I first got out on my own (because of cost and habit). But I’ve suddenly realized just how convenient they are and the cost per use really isn’t that much higher. Plus it means that I’m actually eating more vegetables, because it breaks down a barrier I didn’t realize I had to it.
anon
tell me more about this. I’m familiar with frozen meals, and I’ve seen precut veggies. are you describing something else? what you’re mentioning I’m envisioning as a healthier and more complete version of those: basically all set to go but pop in the oven for 25 minutes of something. What grocery stores carry this? Where in the store are they located? (my husband does the grocery shopping so apologies if this is naive – but I think he and I would both be into this).
Anonymous
+1
DH is vehemently opposed to buying anything pre-cut or pre-prepared because “waste of money”, but then we are too zonked at the end of our busy work day and get take out every night, and end up throwing all of our groceries out at the end of the week. This week we went to Trader Joe’s and bought pre-cut, pre-washed, veggies for sauteeing, pre-prepared lentils, pre-made frozen brown rice and quinoa… omg, I’m actually preparing food and it’s healthy. Major win.
Cb
Simplifying the nursery routine – I bring milk and nappies at the beginning of the week and kiddo eats the nursery provided lunch. No more trying to figure out what he’ll eat, dividing it into little containers, and remembering to collect them at the end of the day. Now I can just bring a pile of diapers at the beginning of the week and collect the dirty ones at the end of the day. It’s quite simple but one less thing to do and think about.
Anon
Grocery delivery/ personal shopper. I finally caved and signed up, and omg does it make my life easier. My DH does the meal plan during his lunch hour in a Gdoc, then I use that to order the groceries. One store he picks up on his way home (it’s pre-picked and they bring it out to the car), the other I schedule for delivery as soon as we’re home. Ahhhhh mazing. So much less stress to know we have food in the house, and have our weekends free for all the holiday fun we can stand. (We have school age kids, so this is no short list of fun. Or groceries.)
anonshmanon
whipped cream.
anon
<3
:D
cbackson
Hyaluronic acid serum, melatonin, the Calm app, and the Oxford Study Bible.
Anon
Literally, surgery. Many thanks to my electrophysiolgist cardiologist.
Senior Attorney
Wow! Wonderful! Good luck and thanks for the perspective!
Similarly, what saved my sweet husband’s life this season was his bicycle helmet, worn properly.
KW
Shipt. I had baby in late September and have a first grader. The weather has already been cold and snowy here, so the ability to order groceries, diapers, etc. (from Target, no less) and get same day delivery has been life-changing.
Anonanonanon
Shipt for me as well. Very similar life circumstances (a baby and a third-grader). Not having to pre-plan as much as I do with pea pod etc. is a life saver.
However, the quality of shopper seems to vary widely. 9/10 times I have the same lady and she is FABULOUS, but when I have someone new it’s a very labor-intensive process with many texts back and forth. My great lady is very good about saying “They are out of X, but they have the same project in a larger size or the same size in a different brand, would one of those work?” but some other shoppers just say “they’re out of X” and it’s like pulling teeth to see what alternatives are available.
CKB
Honestly, the fact that I love my job. My first year uni student (oldest son) is probably leaving school after his first semester due to anxiety and depression. My 16yo grade 11 son (also deals with anxiety and depression) doesn’t see the point of a high school diploma, wants to drop out, and despite our best efforts is failing because he refuses to do any work. Dh is leaving Friday for a 9 day work trip to Ukraine.
Work is my refuge these days. Oh, and youngest son, who is enjoying grade 8 and not failing is also a bright spot, but he has trouble talking about anything other than video games.
Leah
Chewy. Getting cat litter sent right to my door instead of struggling to heave it into the car trunk is amazing.
Anon
A sunlamp.
NOLA
I just randomly take time out of my day and go hand out snacks and freshly-sharpened Christmas presents to students who are studying (it’s our last week of classes). Their reactions are so sweet, it makes me feel better instantly.
BWE
Any tips for surviving at work with a stomach bug?
I can’t take anymore time off and working from home is not an option. Remedies? Commiseration?
Ugh.
Anonymous
If you’re sick, you’re sick. Tell your boss and ask what the best course of action is. Maybe you can charge sick time before you accrue it, or you can make the time up later in the week.
Anon
This. Stay home.
Anonymous
Does a “stomach bug” mean you’re throwing up? I don’t know what kind of work you do, but if you are totally out of sick days and vacation days, I’d at the minimum ask your boss if you can go home today and then come in on the weekend and make up the time. (As your coworker, I really would not want you there.)
Hick town
Ginger. Ale-candies-straight raw if you can handle it.
Stay hydrated with sipping carbonation.
Anonymous
Do not go in to the office with a legitimate stomach bug. You will infect the entire office. Tell your boss you have no choice but to work from home or make up the time over a weekend once you have recovered.
anon
+1
Yeah, seriously OP. Please do not get everyone else sick.
Anonymous
Don’t go in. Noroviruses are extremely contagious. One went around my church last year and I wanted to die. Several people had to be hospitalized due to poor immune systems. Please think of others.
non
Y’all she said working from home or taking time off was not an option. Can we take her at her word please?
OP – Tums are a life saver, seconding what was said about ginger. I like gingees chewy candy. Small sips of ginger ale or sparkling water helps me too.
anon
I would like to push some excitement and romance back into my marriage. DH would also be down for this, and we have a great relationship and are amazing friends. I just feel like we’re veering too far into the friend category. We’re also not very stereotypically romantic people. How should we go about putting some of the excitement back in things?
Cb
I listened to an interview with Adam Gopnik on NPR years and years ago about loyalty, lust, and laughter and reviving a marriage. Well worth a listen – it made the case for not jumping straight to excitement and romance.
I also think intimacy begets intimacy. I made a pledge to have a proper kiss with my husband at least once a day and by the end of the week, we were back in the groove of things.
anonshmanon
cook a more fancy meal together, go out, more touching and kisses, little gifts (flowers, favorite snack), watch the sunset somewhere (you can sit in your car if it’s cold). Make time for gardening and talk about exploring that area more.
Anon
Go on a real date like when you met – don’t get ready at home together, meet up separately, wear pretty under things, get cocktails, eat dinner at the bar and flirt with each other. And build that into your routine. My husband and I regularly meet like this after work on a Thursday night and it adds a romantic element back in. Usually leads to other date activities as well.
Anon
Take a long weekend away and book a honeymoon suite. Yeah, laugh at the cheesiness with your best friend but also act like honeymooners. Don’t work remotely, don’t spend the time connecting with friends or relatives. Focus on each other. Then incorporate memories of your weekend into your every day life.
Ellen
Sometimes, it is good to have a husband/boyfriend who is a true friend w/o pushing to pull your panties down every time you see him. Most guys are like that. That is what I think you have and that is NOT a bad thing. Of course, proper romance is also a good thing, so I agree with the OPs who suggest you do stuff that onley married and engaged people do, but do not do it in public! Write us back and let us know how it goes, b/c you have the POWER of the HIVE behind you! Have Fun! YAY!!!!!
Restaurant Recs?
NYC ladies- recommendations for casual, reasonably priced restaurants near the Met that would be good for a group of 10-15?
anon
Serafina is very close. Beyoglu is really good if you will go to 3rd Ave.
anon
any recommendation for a non-lawyer to go through the copyright process? I’m assuming it’s straightforward and not something I need counsel for. I am copyrighting a productivity notebook I designed because I could never find one that has what I need/want; it’s nothing earth shattering but I’d like the protections before I send it to a commercial printer.
I plan on sharing prints with friends/colleagues for feedback with intent to publish/sell a version eventually.
ty! :)
Anon
Copyright is automatic, you don’t have to apply for it (different than trademark and patent, which do require application).
Anom
What do you mean by productivity notebook? Basic copyright law is that if it’s functional, it’s unlikely to be protected by copyright. Classic example is an accounting spreadsheet. In any case, your rights with respect to intellectual property are only as strong as your stomach for sending nastygrams and filing infringement suits.
Vicky Austin
Maybe OP means like a planner? In which case I’m not sure about copyrights, but it seems like the big players there (happy planner, Erin Condren) have been trademarked.
anon
thanks!
similar to the https://www.intelligentchange.com/products/the-productivity-planner
I’m not looking to take the market, just help others. I am known for being exceptionally effective and I’d like to share my secrets while making my life easier.
so is trademarking the way to go?
IPAnon
You could potentially trademark whatever name you ultimately choose for your planner, but in general, you cannot trademark the name of a one-off product – it would have to be series of products (see: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, no, Harry Potter book series, yes). For copyright, you might be able to go that route if there are chunks of text in the planner or even illustrations. Note that you would have to register text and illustrations separately and send one copy of the planner to the Copyright Office for each individual application.
And just a quick note to the Anon above (seriously not trying to be snarky, just trying to clarify), trademarks don’t *have* to be applied for and/or registered. If you are consistently using something as a trademark over time, it does get some trademark protection. Regardless, make sure you, at minimum, do a quick search of the USPTO for whatever name you end up choosing for your planner to make sure someone else doesn’t have it registered.
Anonymous
You can absolutely trademark the name of a one-off product. Book series are a different story, but there is no reason she can’t trademark her product to brand it.
anon
OP here.
Thank you all for the great feedback, I appreciate it! I especially appreciate the due diligence recommendation, as well as historic protection.
Anon
One of my closest work friends is leaving. I am happy for her and I know it was time for her to move on—our situations were very different. I have a great team and manager, and she had been passed from bad to worse managers with little chance to grow. Still, her departure stirs up more emotions for me than I expected. I’m having these irrational thoughts about my own career being stale and wondering if the grass is always greener. Any tips on how to get through this with a good sense of perspective?
Anon
Use this as a prompt to explore your own career path. What do you like and not like about your job? Where do you want to be in 5 years? Is there a path from where you are now to that point? Is your boss aware and supportive of your next steps?
Also use it as a prompt to ready yourself for job searching. Update your resume, draft a base cover letter, brush up your Linked In, make sure you know how to navigate LinkedIn, Indeed, and any other industry-specific job boards. Compile your list of accomplishments and strengths, and think through how you would talk about them in an interview.
Once you do all that, keep an eye on the job postings. Are there lots of options that would be a fit? Only a few? How long do they seem to sit open? Are they geographically close to you, or would they involve a long commute or move? This will give you a sense of how long it might take you to get a job.
After all that, maybe you’ll decide to stay put because you like your options where you are. Maybe you’ll decide to just look around passively and only interview or jump if you find a perfect job. Maybe you’ll start actively looking. But you’ll be making an purposeful, informed choice either way, and you’ll know you’re prepared if you ever change your mind.
HTXLaw
Focus on the concept of running your own race. Her race and timing looks different than yours. Her finish line, energy spurts, all of that are different. And consider the fact that she was passed up at your company so you were sort of “ahead” if you will and now this new job is letting her shine in her own way.
I went through something similar last year. My closest work girlfriend left to another company and got a huge gig at that other company- double the salary she was making where we worked together, a jetset lifestyle she was wanting. She moved to a nicer part of town too. At our company she was the lowest paid person in the dept and worked for the most despised micromanager. I helped her get her new job and so I didn’t expect feelings of jealousy or envy or sadness to crop up, but they did. I got through it by focusing on that concept of running your own race, and how we each have unique timing and talents. Hope that helps.
IHeartRu
Has anyone been to a drag show or drag dinner in Manhattan that they’d recommend for a bachelorette party?
HTXLaw
What style/wardrobe hacks do you have that have helped you cut down on decision fatigue and still look good? There is an exec at my company that told me she only buys machine washable clothes in black and white- tips like this. I’m due with my third baby any day and the thought of having to decide what to wear when I go back to work is already exhausting. I work in a business casual environment. Occasional need for a suit jacket, but mostly not. Mostly men where the work uniform tends to be a dress shirt or polo and khakis. Jeans on Friday’s.
Anon
I have skirts, pants, and tops in my three base colors – black, navy, and dark gray. I also have shoes and tights to go with these colors. Then I just have to choose a third piece – cardigan or jacket – and I’m all set.
Anon 2
I read The Curated Closet. Lots of great tips.
Vicky Austin
I have a similar dress code at work (small rural hospital) and I also pared down the number of colors I buy/wear to work. Right now I’m doing a navy/dark gray/deep red thing, with white to break it up where necessary. When I get bored/the seasons change, I plan to keep the navy and jettison the gray and red in favor of other colors. I also find that it has made a huge difference to have tights (if necessary for you) and shoes that work with _everything_ you own. I can spend twenty minutes agonizing over whether or not I should wear black shoes with navy pants (I always feel weird about black and navy), but if I just bite the bullet and buy a pair of navy shoes, problem solved. Additionally, I did spend a weekend once calculating all the combinations of my chosen work pieces and deciding which ones I felt iffy about and tracing the cause to a single problem piece if I could, which I then either considered donating or retiring to my weekend wardrobe, or tackled in a new light.
Clothing efficient anon
Long list but I’m really big on efficiency at home:
1) Complementary clothes – Machine washable solids separates to the point that everything goes together. Only doing black and white tops is a bit extreme, but paring your wardrobe down to solid neutral bottoms and solid neutral tops makes it so that you can grab any top and any bottom with no thought as to whether or not they “go together”. No decision to be had, just yank, dress, and go. Even easier choose items only in complementary colors, like navy, dark green, plum, and burgundy pairing with tones of black, gray and blue jeans. Save jewelry for the weekend.
2) Preselecting clothing – One thing that has made my life so much easier is designating a small sliver of my closet to “this week’s clothes” and using dividers to mark Monday through Friday. On Sunday night, I take 5 to 10 minutes to pick the entire week’s wardrobe (bottoms, tops, sweater/blazers, even undergarments if the outfit requires specific types due to the cut or color) and hang them together in that day’s slot. Now there are no clothing decisions to make during the week.
3) At home quick steaming – Only buy non-iron or easily unwrinkled clothing, so no crisp button downs, just blouses. I don’t iron – ever. I refuse. What keeps me looking put together is throwing an ice cube in the dryer, low heat, with that day’s clothes and some dryer balls for about 10 to 15 minutes while I walk the dog and do hair/makeup. When you take them out all wrinkles will be gone and you’ll have warm clothes to put on. It’s basically an easy steam for clothes.
4) Minimalist Shoes – I own lots of weekend shoes, but for work shoes, one flat and one heel to go with warm toned clothing, one flat and one heel to go with cool toned clothing, one warm bootie and one cool toned bootie. I generally stick to a warm brown and a cool black or grey shoe – they go with everything.
Tired
I also don’t iron or dry clean. It’s fantastic.
Anonymous
Brilliant idea on the steaming. Does that work even with clothes that you generally wouldn’t put in the dryer (stuff you’d otherwise hang or lay flat to dry)?
Clothing efficient anon
Yep, sure does, except sweaters. Those tend to need more time to fluff out. I pretty much do it with everything. There is no wetness just high humidity. If I’m being lazy I’ll just put a handful of water in there.
Tired
I have a colour palette and I stick to it. For me that is black, cream, olive, grey, and shades of blue. I also tend to have a uniform because when I really like something, I buy it in multiple colours. Winter uniform is pants/jeans and a sweater. I have like 8 of the exact same sweater (Banana Republic silk/cashmere crew neck). I mix up my jewelry and my shoes. Done. This works for my fairly casual office.
Anonanonanon
My formula is
Meetings: Draw from a selection of Boden fit and flare knee length dresses, pair with heels and a blazer
Regular Office Day: I have multiple pairs of the same black pants, multiple white button-ups, and different “topper” options. Anything from an open-front cashmere cardigan to blazers.
I, of course, buy and wear other stuff from time to time for enjoyment, but I make sure I at least have those staples to draw from. The biggest help is making sure I stay on top of the laundry/dry cleaning so they’re actually available to wear.
Anonymous
I have a wide selection of dresses in varying levels of dressiness that all fit well (if they dont fit well off the hanger, I get them tailored).
For the summer, all of my dresses are navy (5-7 ), black (4-6), royal blue (2), purple (1), green (2), light blue (1) and pink (1). Summer shoes–I have nude pumps and nude sandal-booties that can be worn with all of the dresses. I have a sheath dress/collar less blazer theory suit in both medium gray and navy. If I dont need to wear a suit, I throw on one of my dresses in the morning and I’m done. I wear the same jewelry everyday (diamond necklace, diamond ring and watch).
For Fall and Winter, I have a collection of dresses that are green, black and burgundy/purple that all fit well and/or have been tailored. I wear black tights everyday and have a pair of black heels and a pair of black booties. I also have nude booties if it is warm enough to go without tights. Jewelry stays the same. My gray suit can be worn year wrong, but I also have a black sheath suitand a forest green tweed blazer that I can wear with other black dresses to satisfy my suit-needs for the winter. My jewelry remains the same year-round.
I make sure I have enough pairs of black tights that I love to get through a week. I go to the dry cleaner every Saturday, as needed, but make an effort to buy machine washable dresses. I also go casual one day a week where I wear a Leith t-shirt dress and sandal booties or skinny jeans, sweater and booties. I never ever iron or steam. I do all own laundry on Sunday, divided between work/going out, working out, and pjs/under garments. My dresses come from all of the usual suspects around here– Boden, MM LaFleur, J Crew, Nordstrom, TJ Max, Banana (and factory), Reiss, Theory, DVF, Of Mercer
Sarabeth
Everything is machine washable, including sweaters (merino wool!) and dresses. I also don’t iron. I don’t buy stuff that needs ironing, and if something gets wrinkled, I steam it instead. Way easier.
All my bottom pieces are navy blue or black. I own three sets of slim ankle pants that are basically interchangeable, and two black pencil skirts. As a result, all of my tops can be worn with any of my pants.
I don’t buy tops that need layers. I own a few cardigans and blazers, but I don’t buy tops that *need* a second layer. Most of my tops are merino wool sweaters with some kind of interesting detail (cowl neck, contrast trim, etc), so that I don’t need to add any more visual interest to look pulled together.
I also wear the same jewelry every single day (gold/mixed stone studs, gold chain necklace). I rotate among 2 or 3 pairs of shoes, depending on the season. Right now, I have clogs, chelsea boots, and black loafers. All my pants and skirts work with all three pairs of shoes.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I wear a dress every day, and have them in varying sleeve lengths for various weather. Most have to be dry cleaned, but I can get away with 2-3 wears.
Anon
I’m looking for a merino wool Fair Isle sweater with a zip front. Budget is $200, ideally less. Any ideas?
Grinch
Friends, it’s happened. With all the things to do during the holiday season (both at work and gift giving/party hosting). I’ve become a full on grinch. The Xmas music gives me anxiety. I have a two year old. This is supposed to me magical. Do I really need to buy him a bunch more ugly plastic to trip over? I’ve tried de-escalating the Xmas gift arms war with my family in years past to no avail. I feel like a jerk for saying no to things (trying to get out of adult secret Santa for husbands family , declined work-organized donation to needy kids (yes I’m awful)). I know I should be psyched to get and decorate a Xmas tree but I just hate dragging the darn thing inside and vacuuming pine needles for weeks in a too-small already house. Plus my husband loves this stuff so I feel like we at least need to do the bare minimum. Any tips on having more cheer?
Anonymous
Whoa…where is all this pressure coming from? First, there is NO requirement that Christmas has to be “magical” for your two year old. This pressure for mothers to make things “magical” for their kids drives me nuts.
There’s no requirement to be psyched to go out and get a tree and decorate. You do not have to give to needy kids and save the world.
My key tip to having more cheer is to scale, way, way back in your expectations of yourself, your kid, your husband. Just throw up a string of lights, get a tube of cookie dough from the grocery store, and call it a day. Let people give your kid whatever they want and donate or deal with it in January. You can give him socks and a toy in huge boxes and let him play in the boxes. Be mediocre and proud of it.
anon
Don’t do a tree. You can do all of the other decorations and skip the tree. Granted I’m single and childless so don’t do Christmas morning at my house but I rarely bother with a tree. Feels no less festive.
Don’t feel bad avoiding Christmas music. Some years I love it, others I can’t stand it.
Your little guy won’t care if you get him 10 gifts or one. Just get one he’ll love and let him go crazy with the boxes.
Decline all else or go super easy. Totally over the family secret Santa? Give them booze. Or cash. Just own that you’re not feeling it this year. I guarantee someone else will thank you (if only silently) for deescalating the arms race.
Owl Lover
Or get a fake tree. They make really nice ones now. Ikea, also had trees for only $25. And they looked fake… but they were real.
Anon
+1 to the descalation. It’s just all too much and I’d rather be called a grinch for saying no than become an actual grinch because I’m overcommitted and stressed out.
I’m getting everyone. Every. One. a book or two for Christmas. Adult Secret Santa? A bestseller book. Other side who insists on individual presents for all adults? Books from the paperback table. Nieces and nephews? Age appropriate chapter books. My own kids? More editions of their favorites. Bookmarks, gift cards, and candy in their stocking. Work donation? Several books. One afternoon at Barnes and Noble (for ease of return all around the country) and I was done. They’re also all rectangle so super easy to wrap.
For decorations, we did put up a tree this year but when my kids were small, we bought a fake pre-light 2′ tree from Target for like $20 and called that a day. We put a Christmas table cloth on the table, and hung stockings.
I got signed up to bring food to a couple family parties, which is all being lovingly made by my local “high end” grocery store. Cookie exchange is getting a pre-made tray at same place.
Tired
I always default to books for kids’ gifts but I love the idea of giving EVERYONE books.
Boop
Oooh love this theme–for sweetie, get him a first edition of something meaningful to him.
Isabela
Wait- there are gifts that aren’t books? I’m only half kidding…
Anonymous
I’ve been similar. Work is always busy in advance of year-end, in an unplanned way. First, you can totally phone in your gifts for kiddo—they won’t remember. Doesn’t need to be magical. Husband can organize all his own family’s secret Santa. Is it what I’d get/do? Probably not, not my problem. My husband is in charge of all gifting for his (bigger than my) family. I say no to most work holiday events (not all).
After one Christmas where I was really unhappy for work being so busy, I started doing small holiday things each weekend instead on BIG things that may need to be canceled or would stress me out. Last year I made a different holiday cookie with the kids each weekend. Not a huge time investment but take a photo—there’s a memory for the scrap book. (Remember when we made cookies together? X cookie was my favorite…) Magical moments don’t need to be huge.
SC
I felt like this last year. Maybe not coincidentally, my kid was also 2 last year–it was a tough year as far as parenting goes, and there seemed to be a lot of expectations from the extended family to attend a lot of events and bring gifts and food to all of them.
Simplify and delegate. Get a small, fake, pre-lit tree that won’t drop pine needles. If your husband loves this stuff, he can decorate the tree. Tell him to handle gifts for his family’s Secret Santa. With your family, graciously smile and thank them for gifts, then give yourself permission to donate what you don’t want. Give them all variations on the same thing. Decline invitations to parties you don’t have to go to, even if you’d theoretically want to go if you felt better.
Create your own family traditions with stuff you want to do. Spend any evenings you actually have at home focused on warmth and coziness–candles, warm socks, hot beverages, books, cuddling. Make time for whatever your hobby is. Give to a charity that you feel good about, not the work-organized one.
No, you don’t need to buy your 2-year-old a bunch of ugly plastic to trip over. He won’t remember this Christmas. Fill a stocking with some small things and be done with it.
KW
+1. When my kid was 2, I just wrapped things I would have bought her anyway – new PJs, new toothbrush, new sippy cup, favorite snacks, etc. At that point, ripping off the paper is more fun than what’s inside the box and family members take care of toys and all that jazz.
Anonymous
so much this…brilliant and accurate AF.
Anon
I gave my 4 yo and 2 yo Britax car seats one year! They loved them.
Rosamunde
I don’t have kids, but one my friends simply didn’t get her kid any gifts until the kid was 5 or so. She couldn’t stop the onslaught of stuff from grandparents, but she could keep from contributing to it. Kids that age are too young to care who gave what and when- the kid had gifts to open and was happy, grandparents got to give gifts and were happy, parents kept providing food, shelter, clothing, and all other needs and were spared additional Christmas shopping. Now that the kid is older they give a few gifts from Mom and Dad, but they still keep it to a minimum and let grandparents do the mega unwrapping frenzy since it makes the grandparents happy and is one less battle to fight.
I’m not sure if this helps, but you don’t have to buy more stuff for your kid at Christmas if you don’t want to. It seems like you have family that is super into Christmas stuff- maybe let them take the reins and provide “Christmas magic” and you just let them run with it? See if husband will agree to different traditions- maybe you don’t put up a tree, but he takes the two year old on a special evening to go look at Christmas lights or a tree display or something?
Grinch
That is actually immensely helpful. Thank you.
Sarabeth
Every year, I get my kids presents, and then halfway through opening them, they run out of steam, and I wish I hadn’t bothered. Because yes – in my family, at least, my kids get all they could need/want from grandparents, and then some.
Anonymous
If this stuff is more important to your husband than to you, put him in charge of it. My husband is in charge of setting up and taking down the tree, watering it, and vacuuming up needles. The lights and ornaments are not arranged as artistically as they’d be if I did it myself, but it is so nice not to have to worry about the tree that I am happy to let it look a little sloppy. We have also compromised on how long the decorations stay up. He puts up the outdoor lights right after Thanksgiving, but waits until about three weeks before Christmas to put up the tree and indoor decorations because I just can’t stand having that stuff out for longer than that. We have also compromised with regard to the volume of decorations.
Anonymous
Yeah exactly. I don’t understand why it’s on OP to do all this stuff. She doesn’t like it. He does. That means he can be the Manager of Christmas and let her know if he needs help with something*.
Couple of things – he needs to buy for his own family. There is no reason his family’s Secret Santa needs to impact OP at all. Also, agreed that he he gets to deal with the tree, but if OP doesn’t think he’s going to keep up with maintaining a real tree then insist on a fake tree.
*I approach the holidays like just about all joint chores that one person might care about more than the other. Like cleaning. I don’t care if you don’t care about having a clean toilet (etc.). You are an adult human and you can help with cleaning. You do not get to opt out of cleaning because you don’t care about it. With the holidays, some of these things will benefit both of you, like gifts for OP’s toddler. Some things don’t, like gifts for his family. Divide and conquer accordingly.
Grinch
Sorry and thanks for the response. It’s not all on my. I literally just have to hold the door and the tree for ten seconds for my husband to put it up. I don’t have to vacuum because he mostly does but there will be needles and I just wish that it wasn’t Christmas. That’s what makes me a grinch.
Senior Attorney
A long time ago I decided that everything about Christmas was optional, and proceeded accordingly. Don’t want a tree? Don’t have a tree. Some years I do and some years I don’t. Don’t want to buy gifts for a child who is too young to know what’s going on and won’t remember any of it anyway? Don’t. You can’t really control what other people do but you can absolutely choose whatyou do or don’t do.
As far as the husband who loves that stuff, tell him he is free to knock himself out but it is stressing you out so you are going to let him take the lead. (Can you tell I call bull shite on the whole “women have to make the Christmas magic happen?” thing?)
anon
This is exactly how I treat pretty much everything that is supposed to be “fun.” Around Christmas or the rest of the year.
anon
I just want to hang out with Senior Attorney :)
My Christmas tree is a ficus
Anon for this because it totally outs me. I have a 10 foot tall ficus house plant. Most of the year it’s just a ficus. Then it gets white lights at Thanksgiving and is the Thanksgiving ficus. Then it gets a big lush bow on the trunk that coordinates with the living room Christmas decorations, i.e. the mantle, because I can’t seem to get anything more done in there. Then the bow comes off but the lights stay on and it’s the festive New Years ficus. Some years the lights stay on it well into February, because a festive ficus helps with crummy winter gloom. We don’t have children. If we did, I might well do a proper Christmas tree. Or we might just roll with the ficus. My point is do what you are up for and makes you happy.
Ariadne
I had to post late too because we have an eight foot ficus tree that has lights on it all year…and occasionally some Christmas ornaments here and there. I’m so excited to learn that another person has the same idea.
Anon
We do one of those small potted trees from Safeway since the kid was born (no tree before). She loves exploring it (as we have no other plants in the house), it’s easy and tiny, we just stick some of her daycare artwork to it and then as another activity we can go plant it somewhere after new year’s. I’m sure they don’t survive but kiddo had fun.
A few years ago, we convinced family to only do gifts under $20 (the relatives who need real gifts still get them, but separately, and they’re the only ones). Gifts can be funny or not (basically, if you’re like me and can’t stand gift shopping, find a funny gift, and if you’re like my SIL and is amazing at finding just the right gifts – now you have a dollar constraint to add to the fun).
Parfait
Fellow Grinch here. You’re not alone! I very much dislike the idea of enforced merriment on a timetable. Shopping for Christmas gifts stresses me out. I have a lot of old angst from my impoverished youth about having to buy presents for relatives who didn’t want for anything, when I needed new glasses and a bus pass and I couldn’t afford them. I have burst into tears in crowded stores before for this reason.
I actually do stop hating Christmas somewhere around the 20th each year, but before that I am just UGH. Once that point rolls around, I feel cheerful and bake a lot of cookies, because that’s the part I like. If we as a culture could just keep the Christmas season to 12 days or so, that would be great. But no.
Having a Jewish SO really helps. I’m so grateful not to get added pressure from him. He asked me when we had just started dating if he should get me a present, and I said DON’T YOU DARE. We don’t decorate beyond a non-theistic unadorned green wreath on the door. I give gifts to my younger brother and his family because they don’t have a lot. I don’t give gifts to anybody else. I like to make a festive meal for either the Eve or the day. On the other, we go to the Jewish deli with a bunch of pals.
Anyway, I guess my advice is: take the parts you enjoy and leave the rest. For me that’s food and friends, but you can draw your own line wherever you want.
Trixie
Christmas! omg it can be the worst. Buy a small, prelit fake tree, put it on a box or short table, and call it a day. Put on christmas-y table cloth on your table, and it will look cheery. A child won’t care or remember Christmas, so give things s/he needs, and don’t worry about it. I often give extended family the same thing: one ornament per person, or funny socks, or a book, and I buy them all at once, at the same place.
Read all of this advice, and then do it your way. but a fake tree is worth buying. 15 minutes to set up, no dropped needles, no watering, and no ornaments needed unless you feel like it–and not while a child is young. Peace to you!
Anon
I’d appreciate your take on whether I should attend an acquittance’s wedding. We first met in high school and our parents are friends. She used to be lukewarm toward me, but after I graduated from an Ivy, she became nicer to me and constantly asked me to invite her to my school alumni events and lawyers networking events, on the ground that we were both single and should help set each other up. She also had all these criteria about income, skin color, and education, etc. She didn’t speak English well and had difficulty dating the type of men she wanted to meet. I set her up with many of my good friends from top law schools and who I thought were nice. When she lost her job, I even help got her job in my city. But she never thanked me, nor did she return any favor. Long story short, I realized that she was just using me to meet the men in my social circle and stopped being friends. After 3 years of radio silence, she suddenly texted me and invited me to her wedding. I was baffled and replied that I’ll think about it and congratulated her, then she texted me a passive aggressive text stating she hoped I was not still single (I am). The man she is marrying indeed ended up being someone from my social circle. But my family now wants me to go to her wedding. The primary argument is that sure, she has been a tool, but maybe I’ll meet someone great at her wedding. Tbh, I just dread going to her wedding alone and watching her gloat in my face. The more I think about it, I guess I’m letting jealousy and ego get into the way of logic. Rationally speaking, there will at least be a very slim chance of meeting someone great at her wedding. So maybe I should just grin and bear it?
cbackson
Um, honestly, maybe you should just organize a bar night with friends instead. There’s a chance of meeting someone great during that too, and you actually like those people.
Davis
That would be a no, for me.
anon
I wouldn’t go unless you know that there will be other people there who you want to see. Even then, maybe skip it because the bride sounds insufferable. Yuck.
Anonymous
This all sounds very dreary. If you want to meet someone, surely there are other ways? Going to an event you don’t want to be at, for someone you don’t like and who you don’t think likes you, simply for the slim chance or meeting someone…? That’s the dreary part.
Vicky Austin
+1
Mpls
I have been to lots of (actual) friend weddings. I have never met single, eligible men that I am interested in there. Mostly, there just aren’t that many single men that show up (were invited?) I think “but there might be single men” is a dumb reason to go a wedding.
And if she’s marrying someone in your social circle, wouldn’t you already know a bunch of the people going anyway. And have had the opportunity to meet all these eligible men already?
Is it Friday yet?
+1
Senior Attorney
Yeah this sounds awful. I agree with the suggestion above to organize a pub crawl with some people you actually like!
Anonymous
Obviously not. You don’t like her
SC
In general, I think you should only accept wedding invitations when you want to celebrate a couple’s marriage with them. The free food and drink, seeing people you know, and opportunity to meet new people (including potential romantic partners) may all be fun things about going to a wedding. But if you can’t sincerely wish the couple well at their own wedding, you’re using them if you attend. It sounds like you don’t want to celebrate this bride and her marriage. Your reasons for that seem understandable, but I also thinks it means you should decline her invitation.
anon
do the things you used to do for her – but for yourself. you sound like a good hearted person. now is a great time of year to set up a social, so is January (no one has invites, the month feels long and cold!) as above in the responses to someone’s friend getting a new role, use this to re-evaluate.
I always find that true colors show eventually, I’m sure hers will as well. I married far later than most people but found the love of my life, and now I see the people (who judged me as weird for waiting) separated or on next marriages. I was happy alone, and knew what I wanted.
I wish you love and happiness in 2019 <3
anon
Two thoughts – I know a ton of married people who met their spouses at weddings. Meeting people successfully tends to require being in the right frame of mind. Can you remind yourself that the world is abundant? When I feel envious of others, I like to remind myself that if they have something I want, it means that thing is attainable. I think you should go!
Boop
You have already spent way more time thinking about this (and writing about it here) than it deserves. Hard pass. I saw something on Kristin Bell’s twitter (or instagram?) that said “Lifehack: You Literally Do Not Have To Be Friends With People You Don’t Like”. Wise words!
Suburban
Oh honey. It seems like you’ve been socialized to think that getting married is an achievement. I’m sure that whatever particular brand of this garbage you’ve been fed has ties to your family’s culture but, rest assured, many of us from widely diverse backgrounds have been fed similar nonsense. Deep breaths and big hugs. It’s totally fine to want a relationship and to take steps to meet men (or women or whomever) to pursue one. But, and your an Ivy League educated attorney, and I hate to be the one to explain this but here goes: becoming someone’s wife is not a accomplishment. Being the first to get married is not a feat about which to gloat. I say this not to bring down this affianced gal, who appears shallow and unkind from your description, but to ask you to reconsider your thinking. You literally have nothing to be jealous of, you know nothing of this women’s relationship or its future. Trust me. I’ve seen women marry smart, charming, handsome men with buckets of family money and live miserably ever after.
As to whether you should go, I’ll echo the wise poster above who says you go to weddings out of a feeling of affinity for the couple. I’ll add that I think its ok to go to drink champagne and see old friends and gawk at gorgeous dresses and flowers so long as you are well behaved and in good cheer. It’s both cynical and sad drag oneself in the hopes of meeting an anonymous man. It doesn’t seem like you’d be in the right frame of mind to start a quality long term relationship that evening anyway.
Anon
Very well said. OP – if you’re jealous, don’t go. If you can get out of that mind set, you can consider going for sake of seeing old friends and gawking.
Anonymous
If your parents are really close friends then I’d lean toward attending. Personally, the kids of my parents’ friends are more like cousins than acquaintances and it would look very odd for me to not attend their big life events, absent extenuating circumstances (it’s on the other side of the country, I’m in trial, etc.).
I also don’t think she’s going to be doing much gloating at the wedding. A wedding day goes by so quickly, you’d have to be a truly horrible person to spend even a second of that time rubbing it in someone else’s face.
Anonymous
I would go if you got a guest invite because I think weddings are fun, regardless of who is getting married, but going solo to something like this doesn’t seem fun unless some of your friends that know the groom are there. I don’t think you need to go for her.
Anon
Not only don’t go, but don’t spend another second on feeling any guilt about not going!
Celia
I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding where the bride thinks it’s acceptable to text the invitation.
Anon
Thank you all for your helpful and diverse input. I appreciate it!
Anon
Birthday gift idea for my SO of 6+ years? He loves hockey and baseball, whiskey and beer (he’s not Brett Kavanaugh, don’t worry), our two cats, and cars (he has an old Mustang). I’ve pretty much worn out all of the typical gifts I can think of – jerseys/memorabilia, beer making kits/glasses, car shirts, etc. His birthday is December 20, and I’ve already bought him some Christmas presents (which include some sports apparel, specialty coffee that he loves, sweatpants, oven mitts shaped like bear paws, and some reusable ice cubes shaped like baseballs). We are moving in January, if that helps (only 10 mins from where we currently live), and he will gave the opportunity to set up a shop/man cave in the garage, so maybe something for that. Any ideas for something special I can get him, preferably $100 or less?
Katie
Could you get a little beer fridge (if you don’t already have one) that can go in the workshop or garage? We got a wine/beer fridge and it frees up space in the “real” fridge for actual food.
Ms B
Fancy whiskey class at local liquor store? Brewmaster for the day at a favorite local craft brewery?
Anonymous
LOL at “he’s not Brett Kavanaugh” – I can’t look at that dude’s face without hearing him shout “I LIKE BEER”
OP
Hahaha I typed that out and then realized how it sounded…
anon
If he loves sweatpants, he may also love a cozy robe.
Anonymous
Some kind of wall art? I have a bar in my basement (I’m single, it’s just the basement, not a wo/man cave) and I have a set of prints over the bar – one beer, one wine, and one whiskey – all made by an artist I found at a local craft fair (they’re not online afaik, sry).
Of Counsel
Is he a fan of any particular hockey team? Any particular player? There are some really good, relative recent hockey books out and a jersey would fit in your budget.
FIL Gift Help
I missed yesterday’s gift help thread! My husband and I have one last gift to buy – his dad. It is his responsibility (because I’ve covered everyone else), but he is stumped. We always have problems buying for him.
Early 70s, retired.
He has no active hobbies like golf, hunting, etc. He likes trains & cars, but has 38490235 model cars/trains, so many that we don’t know what he has, and they are running out of display room. We’ve bought Corvette (his favorite) prints, coffee table books, etc. in the past.
He doesn’t like to read. He falls asleep during movies. He basically sits in a recliner and watches game shows all day.
For Father’s Day, we got him two puzzles. Our thinking was that he and my MIL are home all day, so it is something they could do. They were excited at first…and then brought the first one over to us to finish because they thought it was too difficult.
He’s a diabetic who doesn’t really follow a good diet (relies on his meds). He and my MIL have been going to the gym off and on and we considered maybe workout clothes (he literally wears his khaki shorts and polo to talk on the treadmill), but my husband didn’t love that idea. I would do some consumables, but I don’t think he would like that. I thought about the game Ticket to Ride (given the train them) – my husband and I have it and like it, it is easy to figure out, etc. But I don’t know that they would actually do it.
Help?
SC
New polo shirts. New khakis. A DVD collection of an old game show he liked. Slippers.
Tired
Something to help him live his best life in that recliner – a robe, slippers, etc. A Netflix or Amazon Prime subscription.
Rosamunde
What about a computer game/video game of a game show he likes? My MIL is pretty non-tech savvy but she loves to play Wii Jeopardy. I know I’ve seen PC versions of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune that would be an easier gift than trying to buy a whole gaming console.
Senior Attorney
Buy him Ticket to Ride and then play it with him on Christmas until he is comfortable with it.
Also what about an actual train trip? Are they any day trips nearby on Amtrak or even light rail?
Pompom
This is sort of my dad.
Man loves his annual LL Bean wreath and an occasional fun local snack that doesn’t, like, destroy his beeties.
Anonymama
Under Armour makes polo shirts (golf shirts?) and khakis that are slightly sportier, made with athletic fabric (stretchier? sweat-wicking?). Are there any antique car or train museums around? Or model train conventions? (my cousin is in to them and took his toddler daughter to a convention and they had a grand old time).
anon
For observant Christians in the US, how important is it that you vote for candidates who are also Christian (more than nominally)? What kind of behavior, talk, or policies do you expect them to support and how does your faith influence this?
I’ve been thinking a lot about my own religious beliefs (or lack thereof) recently and how they impact my voting behavior and world view. I’m curious to hear how others think through this.
cbackson
It is not important to me that the candidate be Christian. At all. It is important to me that the candidate will support policies that I believe are consistent with Christ’s direction to us to seek justice, care for the least of these, etc. My personal interpretation of that means that I vote for candidates that support strong investment in public education and healthcare for low income people and policies that protect our public lands and environment. It also means that I also vote for candidates whose policies will support entrepreneurship and small business growth, because in my view those are incredibly important engines of a healthy local economy, which leads to greater well-bring for all. It can be hard to find these values in the same person, btw. And there will never be a perfect candidate – every candidate will do something I am opposed to, so it’s a question of choosing the lesser evil and then advocating, as a constituent, for the positions I believe in.
My hard line is that I will not vote for candidates that talk about any group or class of people in a way that I feel denies their humanity, because in my view the core message of Christianity is our essential equality before God.
Anon
+1 – I think your view is very common among younger, particularly moderate to left leaning Christians
Anon
+1. I was raised evangelical, in the old school definition, and believe the core message of Christianity is to love thy neighbor. (Built on the idea that we’re all equal in God’s eyes and we should view Jesus as the ultimate servant to the less fortunate.) More Mother Theresa than Joel Osteen, to paint it with a broad brush.
So I look for candidates that protect the Earth that God gave us, that support public education and healthcare and basic services for all humans, and that support responsible fiscal management policies for people AND corporations (avoiding “money is the root of all evil” tendencies). As cbackson said, I’ll never find a perfect candidate – we’re all sinners – but I look for someone I agree with most, which is sometimes choosing the lesser of two evils.
Also agree with cbackson, I cannot support candidates who view any group or class of people as “less than” or deserving of less compassion. To me, that is so fundamentally opposed to the message of Jesus that I can’t do it. The fact that so many other Christians seem to do this and actually celebrate it has been a major challenge to my faith, and one I continue to struggle with.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. Very well stated.
Anon
I was raised Episcopalian but only attend church ~5x/year. While I would consider myself lapsed (I think the Episcopal Church is AWESOME, but I think I might be agnostic so feels disingenuous to attend), I’m still spiritual and still hold on to lessons I learned in church. That said, I’m a huge proponent of WWJD (what would Jesus do) and use that lense frequently to help figure things out. I’d say a lot of decisions in my life actually stem from WWJD; I think Jesus is a great role model regardless if I believe the Bible is real. So- I absolutely look for candidates doing as Jesus would but definitely don’t look at the religion of candidates (and other religions have a similar role model, I’d be happy to mentally replace the J with a different letter…living like Jesus can easily be living like whomever). To me, this is candidates focusing on social justice, loving their neighbor as themselves (dare I say radical love?), being accepting to all, supporting those in need through various policies etc. I’m a former Republican and will say- in that party those who love to invoke religion are almost never actually living as Jesus would… I truly believe that actions speak louder than words.
Not that Anne, the other Anne
Plus whatever we’re at here. If Love Your Neighbor (all your neighbors, not just the ones that look like you, act like you, worship like you, love like you, etc) isn’t something they live (not just espouse, but live), I’m not interested.
anonymous
I’m a practicing Christian, but Catholic and I suspect you’re asking more for evangelical/bible belt branches of Christianity. I do not care at all if my politician is the same religion as me. However, I care innately that they espouse the values that for me have been rooted in my religion, in particular: service, humility, fidelity, value of family (not in a pro-life way, in a support policies that support families of all varieties way), gratitude, kindness and aid to those worse off. I don’t think these are innately Christian values and I see them in people from all faiths and lacks thereof. I actually find it much more of a deterrent if a politician makes a big deal about their faith but doesn’t embody its values (think here of all the politicians who are cheating on their spouses or have bounced from wife to successively younger wife often with an overlap between) than if they don’t claim to be religious at all.
anon OP
I’m actually asking about anyone who’s an observant Christian and who would consider their faith to be a significant or driving part of their lives.
Thanks for all your thoughtful responses!
Anon
I responded about my views as a no longer practicing Christian.
I have friends and family members who are extremely religious but are more issue based than candidate based. For example, a friend of mine is very Catholic and very very pro-life. She’s a single issue voter on abortion, as influenced by her Catholic faith. She’s moderate/liberal politically but votes Republican just because of abortion issues… (and doesn’t believe that Republicans not acting towards others as Christians should as problematic as long as they’re pro life…)
nev
You should stop being friends with her – she sounds beyond awful.
Anonymous
I’m an observant Mainline Protestant, and, tbh, I’d actually prefer to vote for a non-Christian candidate. Protestants are numerically overrepresented in public offices. I believe our government should look like the people it represents.
Anonymous
I’m Christian and committed to my faith. I don’t care at all what religion politicians practice, or whether they practice at all. I look for people who support my key Christian values: caring for the poor, the sick, the children, the weak, the immigrants. I’ve found that people of any faith or no faith can be effective at serving those goals.
BeenThatGuy
+1 except I would say, for myself, the things you list as “Christian values” are simply “human values”.
Christian anon
It is nice if the candidate is Christian, but I care far less if the candidate is the same religion and far more about whether or not the candidate’s platform is in line with traditional Christian values (i.e. more Jesus teachings less ultra right winger beliefs):
– Charity – does the candidate in the personal and pre-political life philanthropic or money grubbing
– Support for the sick and poor and the policies that go with it
– Community building – does the candidate take care of his or her district or just take in corporate money to stay in power
– Stewardship of the Earth – which means taking care of the environment not exploiting it
– Encouraging building of family units – i.e. not supporting policies that make it more profitable for poor mothers not to get married or not to work because of benefits cliffs.
Anonymous
Yea, it boggles my mind how the right wing of the Republican party had somehow managed to convince their voters that they are the party of traditional Christian values, and how the Democrats don’t jump up and down to point out the hypocrisy of this at every turn, because actual Jesus does not match Republican Jesus..
cbackson
The community building piece and the charitable piece – I really agree with this. Basically, I’m looking for someone whose candidacy is driven by an idea of servant-leadership, not self-aggrandizement.
I live in John Lewis’s House district. He’s mostly known as a national voice, but if you live in the district – you see John Lewis all the time. He comes to everything – every community event, every forum, every local festival, anywhere in the district. He’s incredibly responsive to his constituents, even though he has a high national profile. One reason I will always vote for him.
Anonymous
That is amazing to hear.
Anonymous
There isn’t one flavor of Christian in the US. Among us, there are the ultra-socially-conservative (Duggars) to the ultra-liberal. And everything in between. I don’t consider a candidate’s faith to be relevant (although I assume the majority probably celebrate Christmas and Easter). If they made a stink about their faith or another candidate’s faith, I’d probably be less likely to vote for that person as a matter of “they have poor judgment,” and not as a matter of matching religious views.
FWIW, I am a Sunday school teacher.
Anonymous
I agree with cbackson – whether the candidate identify as Christian is of little importance to me. I also married a Jewish man, so that undoubtedly shapes my perspective. I described the church I was raised in as more of a “God focused” than “Jesus focused” church. This meant that you did not have to commit yourself to Christ or be born again. It was about being a good person, which meant more specifically doing good works, treating others well, and uplifting the community and humanity as a whole.
It’s more important to me that they have a platform about doing good for the greater community. Access to good, affordable healthcare, supporting the economy, and providing post-natal care (pre-K, full day Kindergarten, paid maternity and paternity leave) I also support a woman’s right to chose, so that often does not jive with someone who identifies as Christian.
anon
I’m Christian married to a Christian. The religion of the candidate does not matter to me at all. If anything, the candidate’s Christianity would not be helpful since I grew up in a Southern state where a former chief justice tried to erect a moment of the ten commandments.
Anononymous
I think Roy Moore is a household name now ;) And good riddance to him.
anon
I cannot bring myself to type it. :)
Anononymous
I’m Jewish and I definitely get excited when I hear about Jewish candidates, because we’re a minority and it’s fun to see candidates who share my cultural and religious background. And generally Jewish values align with my values. I would never vote for or against someone just because of religion though. I was really enthusiastic about Jason Kander, but I detest Bernie.
non
I am not a constituent but I had a mad crush on Jason Kander because of his gun control ad :)
Anonymous
I’m a practicing ‘Christian’ as in church every week, teach Sunday School. Family have been going to the same church for 150 years. Episcoplian. But I’m skeptical of a politician who labels themselves ‘Christian’. That’s a very very broad label that doesn’t tell me anything about their values because the term has been co-opted by so many extreme right evangelicals.
If someone is pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+ equality, and pro- assisting the poor and refugees then I don’t what they call themselves, they are practing the values that Jesus supported of love and acceptance, so they’ll get my vote.
I think many many right wing evangelicals underestimate the penance that will be required of them in the next life for the hate and lack of empathy, they have exhibited towards others in this life. Thankfully God’s mercy is great.
Seventh Sister
As a fairly devout Episcopalian, I’m generally quite skeptical of any candidate who conspicuously identifies as Christian since the followed (at least in the political context) is so often followed with a set of values I think of as un-Christian.
Help for dad's Christmas gift
Please help me shop for my dad. Early 60s, very active, runs and golfs, but he has tons of running and golf stuff already and I wouldn’t know what to get him. Not a beer or BBQ guy. He tends to buy himself new clothes when he needs them. He loves new tech stuff but he and my mom already have every gadget and device you can think of. Usually I get him books but that’s so boring, and I know my mom has already bought him some. When I asked him what he wants he said “Don’t spend your money on me,” god bless him. Help?!
anon
experiences, with you or your mom or larger group. followed up with photo books of same.
my dad used to be impossible to shop for, now I just wish I had that problem.
Senior Attorney
This. Take him to lunch or dinner or happy hour, just the two of you.
Or how about a photo calendar with old and new photos of the two of you?
SC
Your dad sounds exactly like my dad. I usually get my dad his favorite holiday treat (those Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries-yuck) and either a book my mom tells me he wants or a $25 Amazon gift card. It’s super boring for me, but it isn’t for him.
CKB
Does he run races? What about a gift certificate to a race series in his area? They often have a few races per year so he can pick the one that works best for him to register for.
Anon
Does anyone have any experience re: the professional obligations of real estate agents?
We are under contract on a historic home that has termite damage (but no active termites). The seller’s agent misrepresented that she had ordered the termite report and caused a two week delay. (She thought she had ordered it from Company A. Company A prepared an estimate to repair the termite damage, not a termite letter for a loan, because the agent asked for the wrong thing. She then LIED to our agent about it and tried to conceal that mess. My agent’s broker got involved and we finally got Company B to come out and do the correct report.)
Now the seller’s agent won’t order the well water and septic tests (required by state law) because she figures our bank will reject the loan because of the termite report and wants to save the sellers the $200 on the tests. Our bank has had the report for a week now and hasn’t said anything – and we were very upfront with them about the termite damage (we knew about it before we even put an offer in) – but they won’t send our loan to final underwriting until we have the rest of the tests. We have a back-up lender ready to go if necessary who has already said they don’t care about the termites. (White collar professionals authentically restoring a historic, locally significant home in a small, rural, historic town? Local banks are happy to throw money at you, termites or no termites.) BUT the seller’s agent won’t order the tests so that Bank A can approve or deny the loan! We are supposed to close in TWO WEEKS!
The seller’s agent is a one-woman real estate agency, and she’s been in business for 30 years. There’s no boss to complain to. There’s the local association of Realtors – I could call and file a complaint…but will that do anything? Small town…they’re all friends. I’m seriously at my wit’s end. Our agent is sweet but not.at.all aggressive and OMG SOMEONE needs to light a fire under this agent. We are prohibited under the state contract from paying for the well water and septic tests, otherwise we would have done them ourselves 6 weeks ago!
Anon
I mean, your best leverage is to tell Seller’s agent that you have a back up financer that has gone on record about approving with termite damage and to threaten to pull your offer – and tell the Seller directly that the deal will fall through over a $200 test if you have access to Seller – it’s a small town so I’m sure you know who the Seller is. Also your agent should ideally being pushing Seller’s agent harder. Does she want to lose money on this sale?
Also, is something else going on here? Does Seller actually want to sell? Holding up a deal over a $200 test is extremely unusual, as have the previous delays been – Seller would be asking what the hold up is if they really wanted to go through with the sale. Sounds like Seller doesn’t want to give up the house.
Anonymous
What state is this in? Typically the buyer is responsible for inspections, including ordering them, paying for them, and communicating results to the mortgage company. I’m not familiar with a process where the seller’s agent would be doing all of this stuff. Have you negotiated on the termite repairs yet? I would certainly call the agent and tell her that the mortgage company is willing to proceed, which they likely will as long as they’re less than the equity you’ll have, but needs the other inspection reports.
Anonymous
Why aren’t you doing your own inspections as the buyer? I wouldn’t trust anything the seller provided. Ever.
Ruby
Why aren’t you doing your own inspections as the buyer? I wouldn’t trust anything the seller provided or ordered. Ever. You don’t know what influence the seller has had on the “third party” report provider. The seller’s agent has one goal – get the sale closed, so it’s in his/her best interest for the report to come up as clean as possible. If that’s her contact and potentially her friend or a frequent business referral, isn’t that report provider going to provide a report favorable to the seller as opposed to honest for the buyer?
Call my cynical, but I work in real estate. It 100% happens.
Anon
OP here. We’re in Virginia, and Virginia is very biased in favor of sellers and against buyers. I’ve bought and sold lots of houses, and in a few different states, but I’ve never dealt with a transaction as difficult as this one. Yes, the state contract really and truly requires the sellers to order and pay for termite, well water, and septic inspections.
I’m not worried about the honesty of the reports – we’re rebuilding everything anyways (though the rationale of sellers getting these tests should be taken up with whatever entity writes the state contract) – I’m just insanely infuriated by the seller’s agent not doing her D$M^ job.
We’ve told our agent we’ll walk so many times! This is a second (for now) home for us, so it’s not like we NEED to spend thousands of dollars on a house. Our agent is in her 50s, but new-ish to real estate – she’s incredibly nice, but I can’t figure out if it’s her lack of experience or the Small Town Factor (TM) that’s keeping her from jumping down this other agent’s throat. I’d be calling her three times a day until she ordered the tests. It’s not hard to order tests! And it takes 2 seconds! After being an agent in this small town for 30 years, it’s not like you don’t know the only two fellas in town who do well testing, ya know?
I honestly think the sellers themselves are unaware of any/all of this. It’s a second home for them, too, so they’re not there full-time and they figure the agent’s handling everything. I doubt the sellers are tracking that we’re 12 business days from closing and X workman (who doesn’t need to get inside the house) hasn’t come by yet. I have more than once told my agent I think the seller’s agent is trying to sabotage the deal – I can’t think of any other reason for this incompetence. The house was on the market for two years with no other bites (a termite-riddled 200 year old home in the middle of nowhere without offers? shocking!), so it’s not like she has reason to try to get the deal to collapse.
Boop
Finally got into Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (I know!). Started wondering–should I be sleeping in cold cream or whatever it is she gobs on her face at night? Does anyone regularly sleep in a masque of some sort?
Mrs. Maisel
I love that show and can’t wait to watch the second season. It’s funny you mention the cold cream because I wondered that myself! My skin was super dry one night so I slept in my Pond’s cold cream all night. No idea if you’re supposed to do that or not, but it really helped that one time!
BabyAssociate
Not cold cream, but I have a few “sleeping masks” from Soko Glam that I really like.
Anon Lawyer
Okay, you totally are missing the point of the show.
Boop
The point of the show didn’t seem germane to a fashion blog comment section
S
Midge would disagree!
S
I do a modified Korean skin care routine and that usually involves a ‘sleeping pack’ of some sort, and I sometimes sleep in a silk bonnet, too, which feels very retro. I let the sleeping pack sink in so it doesn’t ruin my pillow.
anon
a silk bonnet?! sources, please!!
Lilly
I love the look of this sweater, especially the neckline. Sadly all I need right now is workwear, and the Office Thermostat Dictators set it at 76-78. It’s 39 degrees outside and I’m in a nice cotton top, pants and Rothy’s. Gah. No sweaters for me.
Houston Anon
I was the winner of opera tickets at my company’s holiday party. I get to choose any production for the 2018-2019 Houston Grand Opera. I know a little about Opera, but it has been /years/ since I have seen one, and have only been maybe twice in my life. I am deciding between Don Giovanni and The Pheonix, which is world premiere about the man who created the story of Don Giovanni. Any opera fans have an opinion as to which I should go see? My partner has never been to an opera. Both have projected English translations, but The Pheonix is partly sung in English.
Sarabeth
Would 100% go for the world premiere. That’s such an exciting opportunity! I would watch Don Giovanni beforehand (there’s a decent version available through Amazon prime, search for Don Giovanni Glyndebourne) but would go see The Phoenix live.
Ms B
Semi-regular opera goer here.
Don Giovanni is a classic, but you can count on getting to see that one again or you can watch it in broadcast (I recommend the Peter Sellars version for its staging if you can find it out there).
In contrast, I do not know much about the writing team on The Phoenix and I sometimes have issues with new operas (SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT, SOOOO MUCH DRAMA, no interesting music . . . ), but the premise is interesting. More importantly to my view, Thomas Hampson is one of the leads and I would pay good money to just watch him stand on a stage, let alone sing.
Anon
I LOVE THOMAS HAMPSON!!
oil in Houston
Houston opera season ticket holder here. Go see Giovanni. the Opera is great at doing classics, modern stuff is more hit and miss, and as you don’t go regularly yourself, it’s not like you’ve seen this one 10 times already…
Anon
I’m a regular opera goer, and I would lean toward Don Giovanni as my recommendation for a new-ish opera goer. DH was not real into opera for a while (which made me sad because I LOVE opera), but he had only been to the new, modern, operas which ranged from meh to fantastic. I sort of blamed the fact that he never got oriented to opera as an art form by seeing any of the classics, which tend to be more accessible, before delving into to the newer stuff. They’re classics for a reason! This past year I took him to Tosca, Don Giovanni, and Carmen, and he is now definitely an opera fan.
leggings people, I need recs
Looking for recommendations for thick knit, preferably ponte, leggings for casual wear that are not high waisted and either come in petites or are ankle length. I need plus sizing or at least extended straight sizes. Does this unicorn exist? I recently ordered some from Talbots that were about the only style they had that was not described as high waisted and they still come up to my ribs, even in women petite. I’ve also tried the Stevie from Old Navy and had the same problem.
Anon
Unfortunately, I haven’t found this unicorn but have the same problem. I fold over my waistband and sew it down. Provided you’re wearing longer shirts, this is a really quick and easy fix. The other thing I’ve done is buy maternity bottoms, which always have a nice low rise in the front. The hard part is finding low panel lately. But yeah, I don’t understand why all the stretchy bottoms have such a high rise, petites or not. They give me a potbelly right under my ribs.
Mpls
I like the higher rises because I find they stay up better. because they are up over my hips, they are less likely to slide down.
lemon
+1 the high rise (bonus if it’s compression top!) helps them stay up and not sag. This is the only kind I buy!
Anonymous
Have you tried Hue leggings at Macys?
Anonymous
American Giant makes exactly what you are looking for.
Random vent
Hope everyone is having a good Wednesday. Just venting that I now fully understand the meaning of “toxic” people. DH and I just returned from a visit out of town to his family and I literally feel like I have been poisoned with so many bad crazy comments, discussions, rehashing of past awfulness, and just observing nastiness that we just passively listened to or saw. I need a detox! We are working on crafting kind but firm phrases to shut down some of the most egregious convos but it’s only the tip of the iceberg…
Giving Notice
Talk to me about giving notice–specifically, how did you figure out the best day to designate as your last? Did you talk to someone in HR first, or a manager first? Did you write a formal letter, or just meet with managers/office leaders? FWIW, I’ll be leaving BigLaw (for a government job, yay!). I know obviously that once someone is told, I’ll need to quickly make the rounds.
Obviously last day may depend a bit on case loads, transferring things over, and may be something to discuss with case teams, but I’m looking for any other advice. For example, how does health insurance work–if my last day is at the beginning of a month, will I likely have health coverage for that month, or need to go onto COBRA for the entire month despite having worked part of it?
anon
Congrats! how health coverage works depends on the employer. at some companies you are covered for the rest of the month, but others you are not. i would take care of any medical issues in advance and if some kind of emergency arises you can purchase COBRA retroactively
oil in Houston
think about your year-end bonus as well, many companies state you need to be employed on a specific day to be eligible
Fadedsunrise
In my limited personal experience, law firms appreciate but do not necessarily expect you to give two weeks. If you can finish outstanding assignments and do transition memos sooner than that, you can tell your boss and they will probably let you go. I gave two weeks and a day for really specific small firm organizational reasons, but I was very much encouraged to get it done and get out if possible.
Also, since it was a small firm my boss didn’t even want my formal letter, but I stuffed it on his desk anyways just to be official. Further, two of the previous attorneys that quit at that firm were asked to go within the week, so there is always that.
Of Counsel
For Big Law, I would suggest a formal resignation letter (very polite, saying you are leaving for government service, thanking them for the opportunities, etc.) and offering 2 weeks notice. Verbally let them know that you are giving 2 weeks but understand if they want you to leave sooner. They may want the full two weeks and they may want you out sooner – I have encountered both situations and a lot depends on whether you have case handling responsibilities.
Of Counsel
Also google “Cobra coverage retroactive”. You will find plenty of sites explaining how you can retroactively elect COBRA during the first 60 days if you end up needing it.
Anonymous
I’m looking for a real estate attorney to take care of a simple matter – setting up a broker of record for a company. I would appreciate any recommendations or ideas on how to search! I’ve looked at the Chicago Bar Association search function but not sure where else to search (looking from out of state).