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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Toni Ruffle Tank

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A woman wearing a black top and jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

ABLE has become one of my favorite brands for weekend wear, but this 100% cotton, ruffled, sleeveless top looks like it could do double duty as workwear in a more relaxed workplace.

I would pair it with a bright skirt and some fun jewelry for a casual Friday look or layer it under a sweater blazer if bare arms are a no-go in your office.

The top is $45 at ABLE and comes in sizes XXS-3X. It also comes in white and lilac.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

339 Comments

  1. What are your thoughts on robo-advisor investment accounts? Are they worth it? Are they just a way to stay ignorant on investment choices instead of actually learning what to do? I want to start investing a very small amount each month but I don’t know how to get started.

    2. My semi-educated practice: I just pick an index or target date fund with low fees and buy shares myself each time I deposit money into the account. The robo-adviser piece seems kinda pointless, like pretending I have enough to make a real adviser make sense, without really adding any value for the long-term and eating up more in fees than it is worth.

    4. Just open a Vanguard account, pick a target date fund, and set up for automatic investments from your bank account. Super easy.

    5. I use one because I have zero interest in learning about any of it. I am a dump and ignore style investor so it works great for me. One of my way more savvy friends recommended it to me so I trust it for my style and needs.

      It’s not where the bulk of my retirement money is so I do not stress about it.

    6. I just choose a low-fee, broad index fund, then invest and ignore. I use Fidelity and like their user interface and offerings, but any of the online investment companies (Schwab, T Rowe, etc) are likely just fine. For what you’re describing, you don’t need an advisor, human or otherwise.

    7. I am against anything “Robo” when it comes to my investements. I have a brother-in-law, Ed, who does all of my investements for me, who has been working with my Dad for as long as he has been advising, and they have grown alot since we started once I got my job with the manageing partner. I can ask him questions and he answers, and I just get automatic deposit into my investing account, which gives me a credit card for free. Ed also get’s me a monthlyt statement and an annual planning guide on how to reinvest my dividends. I do not think Robo’s can do all that for me. I do not even pay him an annual fee, because it is all based on the account I have. Robo’s can’t do that for you. FOOEY on AI! I heard that Tom Brady and Gisele Bunchkin lost $48 million dollars with FTX, so no thank you, Robo’s! PTOOEY!

    8. I think it’s worth trying a very small amount but keep the majority of your investments in index funds. I’m using an app for microinvesting with robo advisers – my setup is basically I invest $10 every week and the app divides that $10 up into various investments for me. I just started a few months ago with the roboadviser so can’t say how it’s performing vs my actual larger investments in index funds yet, but it does help with the set it and forget it part of it.

    9. Agree with the others, although if you are Canadian vanguard isn’t an option so it’s slightly more complex. There are now really solid options though, as set out in Canadian Couch Potato. So so easy.

    10. I have a sort of happy-medium account at Fidelity. It’s “managed” but my assets are low enough that the account is managed as part of a pool of investors with similar goals. So smart people are doing the managing for this big pool of money, not just computers, but I don’t pay what it would cost for individual attention at that level.

      1. I’m not super knowledgeable about this stuff but — how is this different from a mutual fund?

        1. They invest my money (and the others in the managed group) across a wide array of mutual funds and individual stocks. I will also add that it’s outperforming my regular 401K, which is in an index fund at another institution. I have a long timeline before retirement, so my risk tolerance is pretty aggressive, and I’m happy with the results.

  2. Does anyone have experience investing through a TIAA traditional annuity? Trying to decide if it makes sense

    1. I have an annuity that represents a relatively small portion of my retirement funds. My goal is to guarantee a stable source of income during market downturns so I can ride out the dip with my other funds. I also look at it as another way to diversify.

      1. +1

        It is a great deal for your conservative investment monies.

        My brother has one, as a teacher.
        I just inherited one from my father.

        They are great alternatives to keeping your conservative part of your portfolio in Bonds. Really amazing guaranteed rates. Nothing quite like it.

        Yes, they take a bit more to understand them, with some rules, but they are worth it.

    2. My parents have one, it’s in my dad’s name. They just hit the point where they have to start taking mandatory distributions from it, which they (fortunately) do not need at the moment, so they’re just splitting depositing the distribution between and index fund and a HYSA and waiting until they need it (like, if they eventually have to go into assisted living or need home care).

      I will say, their annuity seems to have a lot of rules that don’t apply to non-annuity funds (like IRAs and 401ks) and I don’t fully understand their annuity product and the specifics of how it works – it seems complicated to me. But they also started theirs in the 1980s, when they were both working as teachers; they felt like it was their best option for saving additional retirement money beyond their pension contributions (and they both have pensions from our state educators’ retirement fund). So the product they’re in and the product you’re being offered may not have the same restrictions. I would make sure you’re clear on exactly what happens with the annuity when you retire or reach age 72, especially if you are married and want your spouse to continue to get distributions from the annuity if you die first. My parents had to go through some kind of rigamarole to make sure the annuity, which they paid into for decades, wouldn’t just stop if my dad dies before my mom.

  3. Low stakes question: I like a crossbody bag for functionality, but lately when I look in the mirror with one on, it’s really unflattering. I’m shortwaisted and short with a large chest. Does anyone else have this issue and have you either just made peace with it or transitioned to a tote or shoulder bag?

    1. I mean, I don’t think they’re especially flattering on anyone. I see the crossbody as a convenience item. And for whatever it’s worth, I’m 5’8″ and medium-chested … crossbodies still look pretty bad.

      1. Thanks! This is very helpful. WHen you are self conscious about your chest, your eye automatically goes there so it’s possible I’m making this more of a problem than it is.

        1. I get that! I am very self-conscious about my hips and thighs, so I will pick apart anything that highlights those areas.

    2. They’re unflattering, period. If I’m hauling around a lot of stuff I use a tote. Otherwise I wear my purse on one shoulder. If you absolutely must be unencumbered then the situation calls for a sporty fanny pack.

      1. Fanny packs when worn around your waist or hips are terrible for people with a large bust and short waist. I can hardly see my waist over my bust, how am I supposed to find anything without taking the whole bag off?

    3. I have a medium chest but find the unflattering part of a crossbody to be if you’re wearing the bag on your bag, rather than off your front hip — if in front, the front strap doesn’t dig into the b–b crevasse with the same force!

      1. oh and also, proportions of the bag matter a ton. If it’s a wider crossbody rather than a narrow one, that also helps with strap pressure, and adjusting the length of the strap can do wonders.

    4. Similar body type, and I’ve just made peace with it. I have small kids and a demanding job, so practicality matters most.

    5. Similar, I’ve switched to a backpack or cute Fanny pack if I really need to carry stuff, if I want to be fancy I use a clutch or small purse that I wear on one shoulder (not cross body)

    6. I love my crossbody. I don’t carry it as a fashion accessory, though, I carry it because I can carry a bunch of stuff and be hands-free…

    7. I mean, those trendy cross body fanny packs/belt bags/whatever are even more unflattering. So I’m sticking with my regular crossbody.

    8. I found that strap length matters a lot – and, by that I mean a long strap. For me getting something that hits right at the midrise if worn in the front or close to my back pockets if wrong in the back is much more balanced. For designer, YSL or LV have the longest straps and for other options, your standard outdoors nylon bags are also great (either REI or Lululemon).

    9. This is why I don’t wear a crossbody unless I really need my hands free. And then, I just accept the fact that it will look bad across my large chest

    10. I am tall, with a small chest, and they look really awful on me. I only wear them when I truly need a crossbody, like to a concert.

  4. Looking for birthday gift ideas for my niece. She’s about to turn 30, budget is approx $50.

    She works while going to grad school, so she’s pretty much always busy. She lives alone in a big city in a 1 bedroom apartment and is single but dating and has no pets or kids. With her limited free time, she likes running / fitness, the outdoors, cooking, fashion / beauty, and going out. Pre-grad school she liked to travel, read, and hike, but she doesn’t have time for that now.

    I know she’s short on both time and money right now, due to grad school, so if there’s a gift that could alleviate those struggles (aside from cash or a gift card, which our family doesn’t do), that’d be great. Her apartment isn’t huge, so I don’t want to get her something that will just be clutter, but also I know there’s a fair amount that she wants but doesn’t buy herself now due to her budget (however, quite a few of those things are also over my budget). She’s in the throes of writing a major paper right now, so I don’t want to bother her and ask for ideas. I was planning on getting her a nice pair of running socks as well as something in the $50ish range.

    1. hmm…..food delivery from the local grocery….easy to make stuff? frozen etc?

    3. I don’t understand why gift cards or cash are out. If she’s short on time right now, a gift card would be perfect. She can use it later to buy something for herself when she has time. If she’s into beauty, a card to Sephora would be nice. Or a gift card to local restaurants so she can get carry out and not worry about cooking.

      1. In some families and cultures cash and cash-equivalent gifts to adults are not appropriate. That might not be your culture, but it exists, and we should give OP the courtesy of taking her at her word rather than ignoring her stipulations.

    4. Do you know if there is a certain exercise class she likes but can’t afford right now? And idk if she already has these items, but Stanley or Lululemon belt bag

      1. If she does races, I’d check with her before getting exercise classes! I’m also a runner, and I have my training plan roughly mapped out til May due to racing plans!

    5. In earlier phases of my life, especially when I was broke and in grad school I really appreciated small luxuries because they weren’t in the budget. What about a pretty coffee mug and really good coffee, if she is a coffee drinker? Or a pair of beautiful wine glasses that she could use if she was having a drink with a friend or a date. A nicer candle than I would buy myself (since I had a target budget) would have also have been appreciated.

      1. Thumbs up to small luxuries, but not to the mugs or glasses. In my 20s I moved a lot and every mug or glass was an especially painful item to wrap carefully, pack carefully, and then unwrap and wash with every move.

        But yes please to a bag of coffee or bottle of wine!

        1. I’m in my fifties and still have waaaay too many mugs, and I now have the full house setup with ample cabinets and all of that.

          I think they breed at night.

    6. I’m a runner and am VERY picky about running socks so if you go that route, make sure it’s easy for her to return or exchange them if she doesn’t like them.

      Honestly, if I were her in her situation I would want an all purpose GC instead of something I might not use or want. Or which could add one more task to my list of things to do (exchange/return). I’d reconsider on this if I were you.

      If that’s truly off the table, my only suggestion is a fancy food delivery assuming you know dietary preferences and allergies and such. Nothing she has to heat or cook. Edible right out of the box.

    7. My niece loves a splurgy makeup item. New lipstick or eyeshadow palette or some luxury shower items.

    9. My basic girl in her 30s who spends too much time on instagram picks that may be just slightly outdated depending on how current on the trends she stays:

      Stanley Quencher 40 oz tumbler – this replaced my hydro flask as my favorite desk cup. I drink a lot more water because of the straw/stays cold.

      Lululmeon Everywhere Belt Bag – I don’t have this but every time I take a hike or walk I wish I would cave and buy it already. idk

      Sol De Janeiro Brazilian Bum Bum Cream – is my favorite new thing of the last 6 months. It is a very strong scent, so only if you love that, but if you do – I get random compliments about smelling good when I wear it.

      Opalhouse 300ml Color Changing Oil Diffuser White/Gold from Target + a couple essential oils from Revive

      A very soft cozy blanket – but ymmv, since new blanket are a fantastic gift for me but every time I add it to a list here a couple commenters chime in and say they dislike blankets and candles because they have too many

      Penzeys Gift Box – the Kind Heart Spices 8 jar is right on budget and since she likes cooking, and won’t be clutter since nice spices will get used

      1. As a 29 year old, I wish that giving cozy blankets, mugs, and candles was banned. EVERYBODY seems to think “oh basic girl in her 20s/30s, this is what she wants”.

          1. Another late 30’s here and I don’t want any of these things either. I don’t burn candles, I have exactly the mugs I want, and I have exactly the blanket I want. If taking this approach, buy from a large retailer and include a gift receipt!

          1. Exactly. They have become the gift for every gift occasion where you want to do a little something but don’t really want to do anything.

      2. Penzey’s spices are the bomb. Justice is a fabulous all-arounder (great on popcorn and no salt), the seasoned salt is great on everything, but I especially like it on salmon. I don’t think I’ve had anything from them I didn’t love.

        1. My go-tos are the Northwoods seasoning blend for anything chicken related, and the Quebec beef spice for anything beef related, especially hamburgers (yum) or grilled meat like steaks.

          I tried a lot of their blends but these are the two that I stick with and order the bags to refill my jars.

    10. I’d get her a splurgy beauty item and call it good. Something that feels like a little bit of fun and luxury during a busy, stressful time.

    11. I would use this as an opportunity to break the cycle of “we don’t do gift cards.” That’s what this girl needs. She does not need a mug, olive oil, a blanket, etc. She needs a gift card to a running shop, a cool restaurant in her neighborhood, for a pedicure, etc.

      1. This! I’d go with a visa gift card so she can use it for whatever she wants. Maybe a little side gift to go with it.

      2. Valid point. There is a reason why gift cards exist. I would much rather get a gift card to a place I love and have the fun of picking something out than another item that I don’t necessarily need or want.

      3. Yes! A thoughtfully chosen gift card reflecting her interests is, IMO, a more personal gift than a candle or beauty item (unless she has previously mentioned liking those specific items). It’s the gift of saying “treat yourself” when she probably would otherwise not.

        1. I know so many people who don’t want to give gift cards because it’s “not a personal gift,” but I know literally no one who wouldn’t be thrilled to get a gift card to a place they really liked and wanted to shop at. As an example: I got my dad an REI gift card for his birthday and he was so tickled; he loves that store but won’t shop there of his own volition because he thinks it’s too expensive. I gave him a $100 card and he picked out some great new shoes for himself that he really wanted and needed. So how was the gift card an “impersonal gift,” if he loved it and was able to get something he really really wanted for himself with it?

      4. So as someone who doesn’t like to do/get cash or generic gift cards, I actually really like getting a GC to a specific store (so not a visa GC that I will end up having a weird glance on that never gets used up). It’s the best of both worlds – she gets to pick out something she wants and it’s not wholly impersonal b/c you have thought about the kind of thing she likes.

        1. Yes, same – “here is a gift card to a specific restaurant that I know you do or will love,” for example, has a different feeling than a Target card.

      5. I agree – a gift card to a restaurant she likes that delivers would be really thoughtful and a way to ease her cooking burden one night. Plus a nice bottle of wine/six pack of beer to enjoy when she can.

      6. I agree with this. I think a gift card for a pedicure at a salon by her apartment or a specific restaurant in her neighborhood would be ideal here.

        If you really don’t want to do a gift card, I would suggest some Vuori lounge clothes – joggers and crew neck long sleeve set. Or just the joggers. It would be over your $50 budget, but much nicer than a blanket or a Stanley mug.

    12. Momofuku ramen kit. It’s fancy ramen, and your niece is probably right in their target demographic. It comes nicely packaged, so it looks present-y, not like you ordered grocery delivery from Walmart.

      2. See but OP knows her niece. We don’t, but she does – it might be the perfect gift for her.

        Dmv you can definitely get it for me. ;)

    14. Fancy hand cream that fits in her work bag. Portable charger brick. Universally flattering makeup (like the Dior lip glow balm in clear or the NARS multiple stick in the “O” color)

    15. My family is all about consumables — fancy ethical coffee, good olive oil, local honey, and jam are all perennial hits.

    16. A pedicure gift cert. When I was in my 30’s, broke, working full time, going to grad school this would have been a welcome luxury.

      1. But honestly, a young person struggling with money should not be using Doordash. Huge waste of money.

        1. Yeah I’m in grad school and I never ever order delivery. I very rarely order take out. If I need a quick meal, I do something frozen.

          I only eat restaurant food when I’m going out with friends as a social activity.

  5. Seeking ideas – I have a friend (used to be fairly close, but lost touch in recent years – no falling out, just grew less close due to living in different places and life happening) whose young child was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. They are going through treatment now, but it is just harrowing, and truly unimaginable. They are not local to me, so I’m looking for ideas of how to be supportive from afar. This group always has thoughtful ideas, so I’d appreciate any suggestions. I just don’t know what would be best for them. They’re not hurting for financial resources, thankfully, but that doesn’t take away any of the horrific fight their family is going through now. Thanks in advance for any ideas.

    1. At this time, I’d just do flowers and a note that you’re thinking of them and that you’re always around to chat if she wants to. As you re-connect and as the child starts treatment, you may learn of something that would be helpful.

      1. This plus maybe an ubereats or seamless gift card. I doubt they can even think about food or cooking/cleaning and will be spending a lot of money on takeout/delivery.

    2. I have unfortunately been through this as a parent. I am not sure what to tell you. I had tons of people come out of the woodwork and ask to be updated on my child’s case all the time, which was the last thing I needed then.

      Send her a note if you like, tell her that you’re thinking of her (do NOT tell her anything about whatever deity you worship and how they’re going to fix it) and leave it at that. Don’t ask her to keep in touch. She has enough going on right now.

      1. I’m sorry you lived through this.

        Would you have appreciated food/gift cards for food, particularly if they targeted places near the hospital?

        Would you have appreciated small gifts for the child? Games/toys/books/distractions for during chemo?

        1. My kid received so many presents we donated most them to the playroom at the hospital. Which is fine. Playroom toys have a habit of walking off (and what better deserving pilferers than kids with cancer?)

          I suppose gifts cards for foods would be fine. I ended up with a fridge full of food the first week, when we weren’t even home to eat it, and then nothing for the next 9 months until she passed away, then another fridge full.

          I posted my response because the most someone who has lost touch with someone should do is just an “I’m thinking of you.” No gifts, and especially no demands. I’m not saying OP is this person, but I heard from so many people I barely knew, anymore or ever, who suddenly wanted in on the info about my kid. It felt invasive and weird.

          A “thinking of you” card would have been fine honestly, but there were people who were in it to the level of stalking us. Like a woman at work who I barely knew who was going around the office updating everyone on my kid’s progress – prompting one of my work friends to ask “are you good friends with A. now?” It was just gossip for this woman, which felt terrible. And she was far from the only one. So I got to the point where hearing from people I hadn’t talked to in ages really raised my defenses. I hope OP takes this in a kind spirit, because that is how I mean it, and I feel awful for her friend.

          2. OP here again – I appreciate your response and will be mindful of that. Thank you for sharing your perspective on all of this. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    3. I know you said they’re not hurting for resources, but cash. $100 and a note goes a long way.

    4. Even if they are not hurting for financial resources and you want to do something small, send 20 $1 bills with a note of “Heard the news. I’m sorry. It sucks. Have some vending machine candy bars on me, and say yes to the full calorie soda” That’s what I would do.

      1. This is a great idea. I am going to steal it the next time the occasion arises.

    5. Found the idea here, but I’ve been sending gift boxes from Spoonful of Comfort to absolutely rave reviews from friends.

      1. +1

        Spoonful of Comfort is perfect for this situation. It is packaged well enough to stay safely cold on a front porch until your friend gets home to retrieve it. It can be used right away or put in the freezer or fridge for another time. Super convenient, decent quality, quantity is not stingy. The packaging and presentation is really nice, too.

        1. OP here – Thank you all for the suggestions! And my heart goes out to anybody who has been through this. It is just so utterly devastating to see.

  6. I am really struggling with my workload right now. Every time I finish something, 2 or 3 items get added to the list. I end up feeling overwhelmed, feel like I can’t keep up, and spend too much time trying to get myself organized so I don’t forget anything. And unfortunately, due to the nature of these tasks, I can’t delegate most of them. We hired a new person who will start at the end of the month, so that will help eventually, but I will be doing most of the onboarding, so that’s yet another big chunk of work to sift through. I feel like a crappy worker and a crappy boss right now because I can’t keep up, let alone strategize. I’m feeling very stressed out. Any words of wisdom for tackling this neverending to-do list without losing my mind? It does not help that it’s summer and I would love to be leaning out for the next 4-6 weeks, but that’s unrealistic.

    1. Request for info – is your boss generally supportive? Are they someone with whom you can be honest about this?

      1. Generally supportive, but also, she’s not going to be able to take anything off my plate. The best she could do is maybe fend off a couple of smaller requests.

    2. The only thing that helps somewhat is to just write everything as it comes up on a list in the order that it comes up in and just work on the list in order (except absolute emergencies that have to be handled right this second). Because otherwise I spend more time prioritizing, playing with my to do list, and worrying about what other things I need to be doing instead of actually getting things done, and this way I don’t procrastinate the things I don’t want to do because when it’s next, it’s next.

      1. You’re probably right that I’m working too hard to juggle priorities. IDK, I’m trying really hard to focus on the high-impact work … but sometimes that’s just not possible because it all needs to get done.

        1. In my experience, this is where you go to your boss and “together* you juggle priorities. She can’t take things off your plate to do herself, but she can help you decide what to tackle first. Then, the important part; she will buy into or bless or champion you as you tackle the list and she will help run interference if other stakeholders (other departments, clients, upper level administration) complain that their tasks aren’t being done or aren’t being done in a timely manner.

          If she does not participate in this and (as one of my bosses did) says everything is *top* priority or sabotages the priority list and leaves you hanging as the scapegoat, then you have a different problem.

          Then – plan your work, work your plan. Step by step, hour by hour, task by task or whatever system works for you and your team. Don’t worry about Step 8 not being done when you’re on Step 4. Do not second guess yourself. Do not internalize any of this as a failing on your part. Guilt is a useless emotion. You are not superhuman and you can only do your best.

    3. You need to communicate to people about the anticipated timing for your response to each task. It’s the only professional way to manage this situation.

      At some point, when I start telling people that it will take 3 weeks to get to their item, they find another way to proceed and the rate of new items starts to drop. It’s the only strategy I’ve come up with that keeps my reputation intact and somewhat mitigates the stress.

      1. +1 – for items that are nice-to-haves, telling people they need to wait a few weeks or a month before you have the bandwidth to tackle it due to other priorities? Not only are you being upfront and professional but sometimes that item magically disappears from the list altogether.

    4. To the point about spending time getting organized, this is a trap I fall into a lot. I started using an AI to do list and while it hasn’t solved ever woe, it has helped tremendously. It’s like having your own assistant organize your day. Link to follow but it’s called motion AI.

  7. Has anyone booked a tour in Santorini that you would recommend? Thinking of booking one of the Tour By Locals but it seems really expensive +$440 is the minimum for two people.

    1. Oh! Oh! I have one! We did a sea kayaking tour and it was one of the highlights of the trip!

      https://www.santoriniseakayak.com/

      Also if you are a history buff at all, make sure to go to the archeological site nearby — https://www.viator.com/Santorini/d959-ttd/p-116941P3?m=28353&supag=76382119171

      You can get a private sightseeing tour through Viator in the $250 range and I’ve been happy with them lately even though I’m the one who originally recommended Tours By Locals.

    3. We went last summer and that was about the price of a private tour plus wine tasting at one winery. I think we booked through viator. Our hotel booked a catamaran trip for us when we arrived and it was a lot of fun! For boat tours, I prefer to wait and see what the weather is like. They seemed to have no trouble fitting us in last minute.

    4. We did a half-day boat tour with Sunset Oia that included lunch, drinks, and 3 snorkeling stops. Highly recommend. Went a few years ago, but it was about $150 pp at the time.

  8. Recommendations for a relatively inexpensive hotel near Numbers Nightclub in Houston? Going there for a concert in the fall and it’s about a 5-hour drive home so just need a safe clean place to crash after the show.

    2. You’re not going to find much walkable in that area, especially wouldn’t want to walk too far off Westheimer at night due to muggings which are common enough to want to actively avoid. Just pick any hotel in the Montrose area and Uber back.

  9. It seems like gift-giving is kind of stressful for a lot of us. Culturally, I wish we could get away from the endless cycle of giving and receiving gifts. Most of us have more stuff than we can possibly use or enjoy already. There are certain people in my life with whom I’ve been able to do that. But I am still buying a LOT of gifts throughout the year, and I find it very stressful to try to pick out something they’ll like, will use, and won’t be a burden.

      1. I love flowers, but I know someone people don’t like them because it feels wasteful to receive something you can’t do anything with and it then dies. Plus you now have a random vase that’s not very pretty (usually), and if you don’t like flowers in the first place, you have to figure out what to do with that. Also some people are allergic.

        I think you were being lighthearted, but just in case, there are lots of people who don’t care for flowers for good reason!

        2. I personally love flowers, but I know many, many people who don’t care for receiving flowers. As with all gift-giving, you have to know your audience!

        3. Pro tip: You can give the vases back to the florist (any florist, not necessarily the one you got it from) and they will be delighted.

          1. Absolutely! I do this (and I love flowers), but if the person already doesn’t care for flowers, this creates an additional errand for them, which undermines the gift even more!

          2. You can also just throw away the cheap vases if you don’t want “an errand “

      2. the practical part? Like, I’d enjoy receiving a pricey arrangement maybe from my company, but from my husband? No, please spend that $100 on plane tickets instead.

          1. what, is a 1800 flowers rep all over this thread? Way to take it too literally. I’d rather save the $100 for a future trip than receive overpriced flowers.

          2. $100 spent on something that will die in a week and have to be thrown out is better? Make that make sense.

            Flower farms use a lot of pesticides, just FYI, and shipping live flowers around the country (in bulk or as arrangements) burns a lot of carbon. To me, shipped floral arrangements are one of those things that we’ll look back on in 100 years and say – why did we, as a society, choose to spend our precious resources on something so ephemeral, impractical and useless? I get if someone gets a bouquet at Trader Joe’s and gives it to someone or cuts flowers from their own garden, but the 1-800-FLOWERS thing is just so, so wasteful. And yes, small choices like that absolutely matter.

          4. sub in whatever bougie florist or delivery service you want, it’s still $ I don’t want spent on me

          5. So you want your husband to spend your joint money on expensive flowers instead of putting that money toward your next trip? Not me. I have been asking for tickets to musicals or rock concerts for Christmas and birthdays lately. It is a splurge and we don’t end up with expensive clutter.

      3. I have pets. Flowers are either toxic to them and/or will just end up a mess I have to clean up. So I throw them away right away, and end up feeling guilty — probably not what someone intends when giving a gift. Also, I am a practical person, and they seem like such a waste of money

        1. Once you receive a gift, you are free to do whatever you like with it. It has already served its purpose.

          1. Unless you’re me, getting a gift from my MIL! If she doesn’t think we are using it enough, she demands it back.

          2. I get that, but it just feels like such a waste. And everyone who knows me, knows that I have pets. So it’s also very impersonal, because they just picked the generic gift instead of thinking about what I would like.

          3. @busybee OMG. I’d be tempted to just give it back to her the moment you open the gift haha

      5. I think a shipped bouquet is a total waste of money, but I will never ever say no to flowers. Whole Foods has some awesome bouquets for like $15. What a great gift.

      6. I don’t like flowers! I don’t really care about them one way or another, plus I have cats that eat them or knock them over, so I can’t keep them in the house. They’d get thrown away if someone gave them to me and I’d just feel bad that they wasted money on them and I feel bad about the environmental impact. I appreciate the intent of gifts, but unwanted gifts really do make me feel bad, not happy, especially because it makes me feel guilty if I don’t reciprocate and because it makes me realize that the giver fundamentally doesn’t understand me and what I care about.

          2. Wow I think Cat’s right, there really is a 1-800 flowers rep on this chain.

            Maybe those of us who give flowers (myself included) can use this as a wake up call to make sure we are giving flowers to someone who actually enjoys them. Clearly that’s not everyone.

          3. Not the same poster, but I am where she is. People coming here asking about generic candles or blankets don’t give the impression they know their friends that well. I would do away with gifts, almost entirely, if I could.

          4. LMAO, found the person who gives unwanted gifts and then pouts because what they gift people “isn’t appreciated.”

            You’re telling yourself a story about the things you give people, which is that your gifts are always loved, wanted and appreciated and giving things to other people makes you a good person – regardless of how you act in the rest of your life. I have known several people who thought that they could be as mean and judgemental to others as they wanted to be, and as long as they gave extravagant gifts (or donated to charity), it evened everything out and they were still objectively a good person. Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to be a bad person and then give people things they don’t want and then feel proud of yourself for being so generous. Your other negative acts and mindsets don’t get obliterated because you give gifts – especially if you’re going to then get upset because people don’t “sufficiently appreciate” what you give them. Just in case you were wondering.

            I’m sorry you’re hearing some uncomfortable truths in this thread and taking them so, so personally, but that’s your stuff to deal with. Not anyone else’s.

            P.S. If you feel like “I spend all this time and money and energy giving people gifts and No One Really Appreciates Me for it” – stop doing it, and see what happens. Giving things no one is asking for burdens people. It’s not actually a “gift” to anyone but you, in that circumstance.

          5. I give a normal amount of gifts, ie not that often. I don’t put any emotional stake in them. But when I get a gift, I assume good intentions. It’s not rocket science. Somebody sent you something nice. No need to make it negative.

        2. Anon @ 11:31 — I personally love receiving flowers but actually agree with you. I don’t feel like a generic gift says much, other than “I don’t actually really know what you like.”

          1. Nah, the triggered people are the ones who think that anyone who is being honest about not liking flowers are “sad” and “annoying.” But hey – good job trying to start a fight with some anonymous stranger on the Internet over nothing! Slow Friday at work, huh? No plans for tonight either, I guess?

    2. Can you pull back on it a bit? One year that was particularly overwhelming, a friend of mine told everyone before her own birthday that physical stuff was stressing her out, so she hoped they’d consider making a donation to a charity she liked and saying that she plans to do the same for everyone’s birthday. It was important that the message was before her bday so people didn’t feel like they were giving her gifts and she was not reciprocating. It started a bit of a chain and several others made the same declarations. It was actually nice and stress free!

    3. I’m with you. I don’t have a culture of exchanging gifts with friends or extended family, which is awesome, but our immediate families are fortunately in a position where they can kind of buy whatever they want within reason (like a $300 purchase is not anything to blink at), which means anything in our gift price-range is basically something that if they really wanted it, they’d just… order it for themselves.

      Finding something they haven’t thought to want yet is tricky!

      1. My family of origin doesn’t have a huge gift-giving culture, but we do exchange birthday gifts. I have 11 nieces and nephews, so it becomes a lot to manage. My DH’s though, is much more gift-heavy than I’m really comfortable with. MIL loves giving gifts, but also expects an exact wish list, every time. So although we get what we want, which is nice, there is a certain amount of low-level stress to come up with ideas for her (especially for DH and the kids) because she’s all about quantity over quality.

      2. We put cards on the table with our family a few years ago and just told them, if we want something small for ourselves, we just buy it; the things we want that we need to save up for are things like vacations or bike equipment that are A. expensive and B. things we are really particular about, that don’t really lend themselves to gifting. So please don’t get us gifts, a nice card (or even a text message!) is more than sufficient. It’s worked, for the most part.

        My mom still insists on sending me gifts for my birthday, which – I’m sorry to say – inevitably end up getting donated, because I don’t want or need the item and it’s just going to take up space. My aesthetic is very different from hers and so household items are always a mismatch; ditto with clothing. My mom “doesn’t believe in” gift cards because they’re “impersonal,” but the “personal” gifts she gives me miss the mark, every time because she buys what she likes/thinks I should have, and not what I’m actually interested in. If people in this discussion are doing this, BTW, just know – the gift-giving you’re doing is more about you and your need to do a “good deed” and be acknowledged for it than it is about your gift recipient. And so you’re not really doing something nice for someone; you’re actually burdening them with both a physical object they’ll have to dispose of, and the emotional obligation to act happy and grateful about receiving something they don’t like, need or want. And this is part of the reason why I wish gifting culture would stop.

        1. My mom gives me things she thinks I should have as well. And I even fell into a pattern of automatically rejecting and disparaging her gifts until I realized and dialed it back a bit.
          Mom-daughter relationships are hard and some of this dynamic you describe is a function of that.

          1. I’ve been to therapy, thanks, and don’t “automatically” reject or disparage gifts. Objectively, the things she gives me are not things I would ever use but I am always gracious and say thank you, and say something positive about the gift, and wait before donating the item. In the last 10 years I have yet to get a gift I can actually find a purpose for, other than regifting. So it’s not some kind of knee-jerk reaction.

        2. My MIL is very, very interested in gifts and gift-giving. I used to feel bad about giving all of her gifts away, but that stopped when my daughter was 6 mos. old and I received the following for Christmas: size small lacy underthings from a mall store marketed to teenagers, a size extra-small tank top, and three pairs of knee-length athletic socks. (I was still up a bunch of weight from having a baby and am a mall-store medium under the stretchiest of circumstances.) My husband is in charge of all gift-giving for her because I cannot stand the drama involved.

    4. I’m so glad that my family still exchanges gift lists. It makes it so much easier! My brother has floated the idea of stopping the exchange of gifts, but I have the only grandchild and don’t love the idea of all the gifts on Christmas being for them. But by exchanging lists, it takes the stress out of it and ensures that people get what they want.

      With my friends, we just take each other out for a drink or dinner.

    5. Agreed. I’ll go further to say people whose language is gift giving and expect the same in return are borderline dictators ruining it for the rest of us.

      1. Unhinged truly. And the love languages are a creepy bit of right wing Christian propaganda

          1. No, they’re not. They’re from some creepy Christian pastor. The If Books Could Kill podcast has a great episode about it.

        1. And my mom.

          Some people aren’t gift-givers, they are gift terrorists. And I think some of them are posting today in this thread, very uncomfortable to be getting called out for their behavior.

      4. My MIL definitely uses it as a means of control. It’s very important to her that my children had a big bag of individually wrapped gifts (plastic junk mostly) to open every Christmas morning from her so she could play Lady Bountiful. The *one* time my husband got his stepfather some less-expensive joke-y type gifts, we received a stern email about “disrespectful” gift-giving. They give very inexpensive things, we are expected produce expensive presents.

    7. You know you don’t have to give gifts, right? I give gifts to my husband and best friend on birthdays and Christmas and that’s about it. I still have very close friendships with people I love and who love me.

      Also, I love flowers and buy them for myself all the time and I am tickled pink when I receive them from anybody else.

    8. I LOVE giving gifts and receiving them. Between my mom, aunt, and myself we do thrifted gifts only. We have a blast finding stuff throughout the year and showing off the cool stuff we find. Other family members are more difficult so my brothers and I shut down the gift giving between one another and I buy mainly consumables for others in my family. Who knew locally made jams and jellies would be such a hit?

    9. In my friend circles we are basically down to “wine and liquor” and that works out great.

      My family is down to basically my husband and me and my daughter and we are pretty good at knowing what we like for Christmas and big birthdays and skipping the rest of it.

      I think gifts are inherently economically inefficient and if I were queen they would be largely abolished.

  10. On Pinterest, I’m seeing lots of floral print jeans but I don’t see many when I look in stores or online. I would love a fun pair of “statement” jeans. Does anyone have any links?

    1. I had floral Guess zipper-at-the-ankles jeans in the 1980s. They still fit last time I checked. I would not wear them now.

      2. I love how some people assume everyone here is their same age, when that’s transparently not the case.

    2. I’ve been noticing them too!

      these may be embroidered – https://www.luckybrand.com/mid-rise-boy/196200640723.html?src=&medium=(_cpc)&campaign=14313827404&adgroup=145438842929&target=aud-1636822624549:pla-371369218207&item=&gclid=Cj0KCQjw756lBhDMARIsAEI0AgnwH8eF94anqZ6OdhO9morE_GIeSknsPj0vgeF7Jr3qqIupvegDV2gaAmN4EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

      more subtle print – https://www.luckybrand.com/laura-ashley-high-rise-90s-loose/7W15690.html#uuid=f00360b59ae44c05040824aa9e

      Free people has a bunch of versions of these embroidered versions- https://www.freepeople.com/shop/driftwood-farrah-embroidered-flare-jeans6/?color=433&countryCode=US&gclid=Cj0KCQjw756lBhDMARIsAEI0Aglk0u7VpGJdZI1E8a2Y__OgWRkI1PIUOEw4shz-IVgXjmYg_nvl-msaAhJmEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&inventoryCountry=US&size=28%20S&utm_kxconfid=vx6ro62gj&type=REGULAR&quantity=1

      2. OMG in the late 1970s, I embroidered by hand a pair of jeans with that exact same floral motif and color scheme as the free people pair. I am so bummed that I didn’t keep them and make them into a pillow or wall hanging. I would seriously buy them if it wasn’t 111 degrees here in Phoenix.

        1. These are very fun:
          https://www.nordstrom.com/s/the-rambler-floral-print-ankle-relaxed-straight-leg-jeans-build-me-up-buttercup/7456989?color=BUILD+ME+UP+BUTTERCUP&size=27&utm_content=9383302673&utm_term=aud-1024039079193:pla-319830546172&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=645528200&adpos=&creative=57184969553&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049882370036&lid=92700049882370036&ds_s_kwgid=58700005468290784&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=319830546172&product_id=8252037&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9026839&targetid=aud-1024039079193:pla-319830546172&campaignid=645528200&adgroupid=9383302673&gclid=Cj0KCQjw756lBhDMARIsAEI0AglYhQuliPfAiupAYnVdMzrJdxnxgSUPF71nW8uqzBAJy13WNIdR-GAaAm6lEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

  11. Grey or white kitchen cabinets? We have a small galley kitchen with only one window at the end of the kitchen. Previous owners installed nice cherry cabinets but they are dark and the space feels even more cramped because of the color of the cabinets. Don’t want to get new cabinets but considering painting them and getting new countertops. Thoughts?

    5. I would keep the cherry and lighten up everything else to accommodate. It’s such a beautiful wood.

      1. +1 I have cherry cabinets in my kitchen that were professionally painted white 10 years ago. The paint job was done very professionally: un-installed, brought to a cabinetry shop’s paint booth, etc. I really wish they had been left alone. The chipping in the paint is noticeable, as the wood has aged and compressed some of the paint has cracks, and it shows grease and dust so easily.
        My 1st choice is that I wish they were left alone or 2nd choice stained.

    6. Any chance you’d want to lighten up the stain? (It hurts my soul to paint over nice wood) A good paint shop should be able to strip the stain and refinish in a lighter tone.

      1. White cabinets had a long moment, but I also feel like they’re classic at heart. IDK, I have white cabs and love them. The rest of the kitchen is not white, fwiw.

    9. Definitely not gray.

      I like white, but cherry is nice enough that I would strongly consider a lighter stain that’s more your style. Paint is great for covering up cheaper woods, but I feel differently about cherry and walnut.

    10. Wood kitchens are coming back in style. Replace the uppers with floating shelves where possible. Replace the countertop with a white one with undertones that goes with the cherry. Update the hardware. Search Pinterest for cherry cabinets for inspo.

      1. Don’t replace the uppers with floating shelves unless you enjoy dusty greasy dishes.

        1. I don’t know why this doesn’t get talked about more. Open shelves look great in photo shoots, but living with them is a whole other matter. We had wineglasses on an open shelf in our kitchen at one point, and within weeks they were dusty and greasy and looked terrible on display. People who can have all their dishes, pots and pans, etc. on open shelves and not have to wash those things constantly know some kind of trick the rest of us don’t. I am really grateful for closed cabinets and deep drawers in my kitchen that keep things tucked away and CLEAN so they’re ready to use when I need them, without me having to wash everything first.

          1. I think “practically never actually using the stove for any kind of cooking” probably helps.

      2. Oh god no, don’t get rid of your upper cabinets in a small galley kitchen. Maybe if you have a massive amount of storage otherwise, but where on earth are you supposed to put all your mismatched glassware, sacks of flour, and cereal boxes in a kitchen like this??

      3. That’s why I said “where possible”. I have a small kitchen with a mix of uppers and shelves. It will make the cherry kitchen brighter and more airy. I haven’t had any grease problems, and I cook daily.

    11. I would go with white. If you ever do want to go back to cherry, paint can be stripped and sanded away. This isn’t like painting over brick, after all.

    12. Thanks for all the replies! Didn’t realize I could stain it in a lighter color. I know, it also pains me to paint over fine wood. I think I have been convinced.

      I will have to replace the late 2000s hardware too.

      1. I love white cabinets but I agree that paint will chip and look bad quickly. I would have the cabinets sanded and put on a clear finish or a very light stain and contemporary hardware.

      2. Chiming in late but consider adding more artificial light. I would do that first and then decide what you want to do with the cabinets. We have a fairly narrow galley kitchen with a window at one end and have 2 recessed lights in the ceiling plus a flushmount with 2-3 bulbs, and undercabinet lighting as well. Our cabinets are medium gray and counters are a light quartz. I particularly like the undercabinet lighting – it makes a big difference in functionality.

  12. Any recs for a girls’ weekend in Seattle later this summer? Looking for it all – lodging, restaurants, activities! We’re both early 30s, one is pregnant but likes to hike. Shan’t be participating in any crazy nightlife.

    1. Cedarbrook Lodge! It’s a peaceful, beautiful place to stay and the on-site dining is very nice.

    2. For a beautiful but less-strenuous hike (in case your pregnant friend needs easier hikes right now), Discovery Park is in Seattle and has great short hikes. You all might also enjoy taking the ferry to Bainbridge Island and visiting the Bloedel Reserve (a really beautiful botanical garden and reserve with stunning views over Puget Sound – it’s also where the poet Theodore Roethke died). There’s a direct bus from the ferry terminal at Eagle Harbor to the reserve (schedule is on their website). After your visit, there are tons of lovely restaurants and shops to visit in Eagle Harbor while you wait for a return ferry – I recommend the Harbour Pub. The ferry ride itself gives spectacular views of the Cascades, the Olympics, and Mt. Rainier, and you often see seals (and occasionally whales). You can drive a car onto the ferry if you have a rental, although personally I wouldn’t deal with it as you often have to wait for multiple ferries if you’re driving and if you walk on, you can always get on the first ferry.

    3. We go to Fremont Brewing Company every time we are in Seattle. They have a beautiful beer garden in Ballard. Manolin, which is excellent for dinner, is right around the corner.

      As far as other restaurants, Taylor Shellfish has fantastic oysters and Staple & Fancy has a prix fixe menu that’s a good value.

  13. Thank you to the person who recommended the Uproot earlier this week for removing pet hair from carpet. I ordered the long-handled version based on your recommendation, and it’s exactly what I needed.

    1. That was me! So glad it’s working for you. I should use mine this weekend…

  14. Novice runner (thanks all who hooked me on the Des and Kara podcast). Running shorts with built-in OA ties? Or no? If it matters, chub rub is a huge risk factor for me with shorts so I often run in bike type shorts that are a bit longer. But I don’t love them in the swampy summer. Is there a benefit to the built ins if you tend to be able to get home after a run for a quick shower and change of clothes? Any chaffing or other issues?

    1. Not sure what oa ties are, but I’ve been running for about 15 years and I exclusively run in running shorts with the built in underwear.

      No chafing or other issues (in fact, I’m pretty sure the point of the lining is to prevent chafing), aside from chub rub. I find them very comfortable. They also help keep you cool as the lining is very breathable (and the lining is wicking). You don’t wear underwear while wearing them, FYI as that would then mitigate the breathability and wicking of the liner. FWIW I’m a former rower, so I also don’t wear underwear when running in leggings or bike shorts.

    2. I don’t know what OA ties are. I have thick thighs and the chub rub is real. Lined running shorts are very comfortable, but they do nothing to mitigate chub rub and have a tendency to creep. Once I started using bike shorts, I haven’t turned back.

      1. Oh. Never heard it referred to as panties in running shorts either, so I didn’t even make the leap that that’s what OA ties meant.

        There’s a reason that running shorts with built in underwear is the standard and has been for years.

      2. I prefer them without because I have a long rise, and in order to have the waistband where I want it, I’d be giving myself a 180 degree wedgie. I just wear regular underwear for workouts.

    5. There are two kinds of lined running shorts – the traditional “panty” type liner and “2 in 1s” that have the bike/boyshort liner. It’s a matter of personal preference and body shape which is better.
      The Nike running shorts that have been around forever are great if you’re a straight up and down body type. They’re what I started in, but as I’ve gotten older and my weight has shifted a little, they don’t fit me well anymore. They’re either too big in the waist or too narrow in the hip.
      I’ve found Brooks 2 in 1s and Oiselle Long Roga to be ideal for my more mature figure. The Brooks in particular wear like iron. Every now and then Target carries a 2 in 1 running short that fits me well, too.
      Lastly, if you have plain athletic shorts you like (think soccer or board shorts), you can wear a mesh panty that functions just like a liner would. Fruit of the Loom breathable micro-mesh bikini works well, is inexpensive and is what I use with some old favorite shorts whose linings have given up the ghost.

    6. All my running shorts have a built in liner and I’ve never had any issues with chafing. Don’t wear underwear with them.

      1. +1 – it’s not the liner that chafes. If I chafe, it’s the shorts between my legs. I use bodyglide or similar and it helps.

      2. I thought the purpose of the mesh “underwear” in running shorts was to keep people from seeing your real underwear because the shorts are so short! It would not even occur to me to rely only on the built-in liner.

    1. The island is huge, so I suggest picking one side and exploring that. You’ll probably want to rent a car, but a word of caution that depending on where you’re going, the driving can be slightly terrifying. Think small roads up and over mountains, with few, if any, guardrails. Chania, esp the old town, is beautiful . I stayed here with my partner two years ago, and we took day trips to different beaches on that side of the island. Some are really amazing: Balos, Seitan Limania, Phalasarna, Kalypso, and there are always small towns to explore along the way. On the other side of the island the area around Elounda is very nice, and can be much more upscale if that’s what you’re looking for. Heraklion is basically just a big city, so I would skip it. On the south side of the island there are some beautiful tiny villages only accessible by boat (e.g. Lutro), where there are only a handful of hotels, and you take water taxis to nearby beaches or other towns. This is also a great experience.

    3. We spent a week there last year and loved it. We split our time between Chania and Elounda. Old town Chania is a Venetian port that is lovely to walk around. We stayed at Casa Delfino and enjoyed the room and the rooftop bar. There’s a dive shop in old town, that’s where we booked a day of diving in a coastal town nearby. We also took a ferry to Balos lagoon and a monastery, both were beautiful. We spent the other half of the week on the other side of the island and broke up the drive with a stop at Rethimno. We stayed at Elounda beach hotel & resort, which was beautiful but you can’t see the sunset on that side of the island. We got a free upgrade to a room with a pool overlooking the Aegean. Gorgeous. We spent a day at Agios Nikloas, which is a town a bit smaller and less charming than Chania but still cute. The palace of Knossos was amazing if you’re into history. It was very busy. There’s a little wine and olive oil shop nearby that has tastings but they book up quick. The owners were very nice.

    4. I adored breakfast delivered to my balcony overlooking the sea at Villa Andromeda in Chania. Very cool old building (it was once the German embassy), walkable from Old Town.

  16. What is a reasonable amount of work to expect your SO to do for a party in their honor in your shared home? DH’s non-milestone birthday is coming up and we’re having a pool party at our house tomorrow (his request). He’s been a bit huffy that I’ve asked him to do things to prepare for the party. I organized the party, sent out invites, put together the menu, tidied up the house, scheduled an extra clean and pest control (in case of ants), set up the tables/chairs/utensils and made sure we had enough, bought the booze, and I’ve ordered/am getting the cake. I’ve asked him to pick up some groceries while he’s at the store, wash the pool towels, hose off the outdoor chairs, and he’s going to be grilling the burgers/hot dogs. On the cooking – I offered to have it catered but he wants a cookout. I am totally intimidated by the charcoal grill and he won’t let me get a gas grill. Some friends agreed to be grill master but they’re a bit flaky and won’t commit to a time they’ll come over.

    DH has been out of work for months with no prospects and I’m currently slammed at work. If I had to do it all on my own I would (except grilling) but I don’t think I should have to considering he’s not doing anything all day and he’s insisting on a cookout with The One True Grill. If it was any other summer party he’d do all this stuff and more with bells on, but I think he’s a bit put off because it’s his bday. He hasn’t said anything but I can tell he’s a little miffed and I’m feeling guilty. AITA?

    1. NTA. Doing a load of laundry and hosing off chairs is like an extra 30 minutes of work. He’s already going to the store. What you’re asking him to do seems pretty minimal.

      2. Yeah, that tore it for me. What in the actual F. If my husband was unemployed he would have done ALL the work for the party.

        If this is helpful for the OP: when we have parties, we sit down and make a list of everything that needs to be done for the party and then divide up the duties evenly. If we’re both entertaining, we both need to take responsibility for cleaning the house, getting food, etc. Then everything gets done and no one needs to get resentful that they’re being asked to do too much, or are having tasks “sprung on them” that they weren’t aware of.

    3. IMO, he is acting like a brat. As an adult, if you want a birthday party, you need to plan it yourself. It’s reasonable to get your SO or others who offer to help, but you don’t get to demand a party AND demand that someone else does all the work.

      2. Yeah, this is where I fall. Especially if it is a labor intensive party like the one OP is describing…

    4. I think the out of work part makes this an emotional minefield. If he wasn’t out of work, I would say for a birthday party the birthday person should mostly be excluded from the prep. But with the difference in schedules right now between you working full time and him out of work, I think you gave him a reasonable list to take care of. But the fact that it’s reasonable for him to take on some of the prep is really only because he’s out of work, so suddenly his birthday celebration is a reminder of his unemployment. Ouch! Unemployment is a hard time and emotions run sensitive. I don’t think there’s any assholes here, just two people going through a challenging time in life. I hope the party is a great day and that your flaky friends take over as much of the grilling as possible!

      1. I think this is a sensitive take, but the OP’s husband is the one insisting on a more labor-intensive party (e.g., no catering) and then sulking about helping with it. Nope.

    5. Eh, I have sympathy for both of you here. It obviously is reasonable to ask him to help out, but it’s also true that being out of work sucks a lot and that can make social occasions that should be fun feel sort of depressing. He might be more irritable about facing a birthday and a bunch of people asking about his job prospects than he is about the chores. So if he’s generally good about pulling his weight, maybe cut him some slack and try to have a fun day? If it’s more than just this one event, then it’s a bigger concern, but save the conversation until after the party.

      1. This is a good point. When we started planning the party, he expected to have a job by now. He might be feeling some kinda way about having to tell people no he still hasn’t found work, and I’m just reading his grumpiness as a me issue when it’s not.

    6. Jesus I’m so sorry. I’m sorry your unemployed man child is throwing a tantrum.

      3. I wouldn’t say he’s throwing a tantrum, he hasn’t actually SAID anything, he just seems annoyed when I ask. Maybe I’m misreading the source of the annoyance and incorrectly assuming it’s me, though, as others suggested.

        1. Are you sure he actually wants the party? As someone suggested above, he might be dreading the “what are you doing for work/how’s the job search going” inquiries from people right now, and that’s what you’re seeing. Did he suggest having the party or did you suggest it? If this is some kind of “annual tradition,” you might consider skipping it this year. I was out of work for a couple of months last year, and the last thing I would have wanted was to have a big social event at my house and have to tell my layoff story sixteen times, and have to give job-search updates to acquaintances and then be the recipient of unwanted job-hunting advice from people. You don’t have to have a party for a birthday, even if you’ve done it in the past.

    9. NTA. I wanted a birthday party like this so I threw one for myself. I arranged the food and guests and did not make this my partner’s problem. I even got a grill, although partner did the grilling on the day.
      Having someone make you the birthday princess is when you are a kid. After that you haul your own water unless someone feels especially moved to do something big for you.

    10. Hmmm, this is why I host birthdays at restaurants so there’s no preparing of the house, which is a hassle for everyone and takes away the festive part. I’m not going to slam your H, but in your shoes, I’d be jumping on Taskrabbit immediately to hire someone to grill for the party and do the outdoor cleanup. I’d rather throw money at the problem than fight or ruin a milestone birthday. People don’t only have value if they have jobs.

        1. I missed the non, but regardless, pick your battles and ruining a birthday with a fight when you can outsource isn’t worth it.

          1. But she wanted to outsource, and he said no. At this point, any fight is completely on him

    11. Don’t feel guilty. Hosting is a lot of work. What you’re asking of your DH is the bare minimum.

    12. Ooof, I think you have way more issues than just this party. Your husband sounds like a dck.

    13. We don’t do birthday parties for adults very often, but our philosophy is that we are hosting the party – we, not me. But we also don’t have a “the birthday person is special” approach for adults.

      1. ” But we also don’t have a “the birthday person is special” approach for adults.”

        Same here. We always looked at birthday or milestone event parties that were ostensibly to celebrate one person as “we’re doing this together” and not “I’m doing this for you.” If the party is in my house and household funds have been used to plan it, then it’s not “my party,” it’s “our party” and both adults need to participate in getting ready for it.

        As a side note: the stress of having to get everything cleaned, prepped and ready was part of the reason why we quit having parties. It started to feel like a lot, to work a full-time job, prep on Friday and Saturday for a Saturday night event, then spending Sunday cleaning up and resting before going back to work on Monday. We had some good parties, but we almost never got reciprocal invites and people started expecting us to be the “default host” for events. We only have parties now about once every other year, usually on a long weekend, and it’s a lot less stressful.

    14. My DH dislikes parties and entertaining, so when we do host our deal is that he does the minimum.
      He tolerates the party and will socialize and help with a few last minute tasks that I *dont* ask him to do but he identifies himself (e.g. this part is really messy I’m going to vacuum it, I need to bring out some more chairs, take out the trash) but if I want the party, I have to take on most of the planning for it or throw money at it.
      On all other things, he is more than a 50% partner. He does groceries, dishes, most kid dropoffs/pickups, kid bath and bedtime, sometimes cooks, finances, travel planning etc.
      So for your husband, I’d say if he is a fair-share partner on non-party planning household tasks, I’d give him a pass on this.

      1. That works for you because your husband doesn’t want parties, so I assume doesn’t ask to host them. Here, the husband asked for the party and doesn’t want to help with it. That’s not cool

  17. Having been a somewhat avid runner while being a a college rower, I am now getting back into running after 8 years away from it. I’ve been active in other ways (lifting, spinning and real biking, and yoga) but want to get back to running. I’ve been doing a run /walk combo for months now and don’t seem to be able to break out of it and just run. I can run / walk 5-6 miles for a workout (started at 2 miles) and I frequently go on a 75+ min bike ride or do a full spin class (45-60 mins) at my gym, so stamina / endurance doesn’t feel like it’s the problem. However, I feel like I can’t even “run” a mile.

    Does anyone have any tips from transitioning from run / walk to just running? Obviously, I would cut back my mileage, I don’t expect to just start running 6 miles straight.

    I’m doing a half marathon in November (I did 3 before I stopped running) and would like to run the whole thing.

    1. What intervals are you using? Can you just slowly extend the run length? I run 90:30 intervals and for example would move to 2M:30 and keep adding 30 seconds to the run.
      I’ll add too that I love intervals and run faster and stronger with them than without.

      1. I usually do 2 mins running (10:30-11:30 pace) and 30 seconds or 1 minute walking (14:30ish pace). Sometimes I do 3 on 90 off or something. Anything longer than 3 minutes straight I struggle with.

        1. That’s far, far too short an interval to get any benefit. Run at least a half mile and then walk as long as you need to, such that you will have the energy to run a half mile again. Once you get into a good rhythm in that, change over to running three quarters of a mile and then a mile.

    2. I don’t have any advice, just that I’m having the same struggle. I can row, bike etc but running is so hard.

    3. Honest answer – it is probably mental. I promise you that you can probably run a mile if you are run/walking 5-6 miles. Chances are your pace on the run is too fast. Slow down to a 12:30 mile and prove to yourself that you can run a mile.

      1. Oh I am sure it is mental!! I think I just get bored and / or realize that I’m uncomfortable and want to stop.

        1. SAME. It’s truly a combo of boredom/realizing I’m uncomfortable. I’m not even in outright pain to the point where I have to stop. The only thing that works for me besides running with someone is to keep going to chase the endorphins. Typically, once I hit 2.5-3 miles, I get the endorphins. I like the runner’s high, and it is also motivating. Not sure why, but I don’t feel the same endorphin release I stop and walk. So I just try to trick myself — fine, you can stop after 2.5 miles, but you won’t want to. You just have to acknowledge that your thoughts are not necessarily reality. I had an orange theory class this morning and some of the running intervals were 3 minutes. And my first reaction is all, “oh noooooooo I just can’t.” Please. Yes I can. The voice in my head is an unreliable narrator when it comes to running. Not all thoughts need to be taken seriously.
          Disregard thought, move on.

      2. Ultra runner here and it’s sooooooo mental. It’s uncomfortable sometimes and I tell myself one step at a time (over and over and over), force myself to smile (it helps, swear), and slow down. Slowwww down.

      3. Don’t time it so much.you have a set time in your head and you are focused on that more than how you really fell. If you listen to music run for a full song, walk for a shorter time.

    4. Slow down your run and if you have a friend whose running, ask them to join you and make sure you’re chatting the whole time. Otherwise, check in with yourself that you’re at a pace where you could carry on a conversation.

    5. Slow down your running pace significantly. Like, halfway between your current run and walk paces. Make it a 12:00 minute mile at a jog, and truly just power through the mile. You’ve gotten accustomed to faster running via walk run than you can handle at steady state, and that’s okay! Just reset your expected pace to a slow jog and see how it goes. You’ll eventually speed up naturally, but whenever I’ve been in this situation it’s because my pace was too ambitious.

      1. Thanks!

        I was feeling slow with my current pace already, but I’ll try slowing down and seeing if that helps my endurance. Then, once my endurance is built up I can work on speed.

        1. I have some possibly outdated breathing advice but it helps me know how to pace myself. Exhale for two steps and inhale for two steps. My exhales tend to be almost like huh huh short blowing kind of breaths (one huh for each footfall) and then one continuous sucking in of air on the next two footfalls.

          Concentrating on my breath helps me go farther for some reason.

        2. Just slow down. I love to run sprint intervals but wanted to work on my steady state/endurance running and what worked for me was to slow down significantly and tell myself in my head “you’ve got all the time in the world to finish this mile”…as soon as I stopped trying to achieve a certain speed, the steady state is easy.

    6. Go to a place where people run. Find someone who isn’t running too fast and try to tail them.

      You also might want to change your intervals. Instead of run/walk, do run faster/slow jog. It’s ok if you get tired and have to walk, but then try to pick it back up. The run should be faster than your targeted pace of steady running.

    7. Maybe try guided workouts? I’ve used some of the peleton outdoor classes to ease back into running and found it helpful. They will have workouts that build up from run/walk by extending the length of the run portion, as well as runs that let you set your own pace but provide encouragement, etc. i find i am much better about pacing myself when i do these rather than just heading out myself.

    8. I also restarted running (due to chronic backpain) after 7 years or so. I was doing spinning and lifting in the meantime, so my cardio fitness is still good and muscles have decent base.
      My first few runs were 3-3.5km with a run/walk: roughly 1-2min run followed by 15-30s walk. I wasn’t timing it, as I was just happy my back was ok. I felt very awkward, as I forgot how to run (what to do with hands, how to land feet, how to breathe etc.
      The second week, I have increased distance and prolonged the run intervals. I would say it is now 4-5min run followed by 15-30s walk. I run at a comfortable-for-me pace and focus on breathing and correct posture.
      My advice would be to keep overall distance and prolong run intervals and keep the walk breaks short. If this wouldn’t work for you, increase overall distance and keep the run/walk ratio. Or – get a running buddy, who will set the pace.

      1. Awesome advice, thank you! I especially like the idea of keeping the distance but adjusting the intervals.

        I often feel like my 1 min off is too long, so I’ll try with shorter breaks!

    9. Sounds like the perfect use of heart rate training. I’m with the commenter telling you to slow it down. Your heart rate will tell you how much. Your easy miles should be no more than 140-150 bpm heart rate. To me, my marathon-I-could-run-forever pace is at around 145 bpm.

      1. Thank you! Even when not going fast (for me), my HR is very high (180-185). I use a Garmin watch with HR so I know it’s not as accurate as a chest monitor, but it’s good enough.

        In college we did a lot of workouts at HR so I’m very familiar with it; I will definitely scale down my speed to keep my HR in the 140–160 range (which is what our HR workouts were at in college).

        1. Keep in mind your target heart rate gets lower as you age. But yeah, slow WAY down.

    10. Can you get to a track? In your shoes, I found doing a shorter track workout twice a week to be helpful. After getting the distance up through run/walk in the neighborhood/local park, I started doing run-only lap workouts at the track, initially two laps 2-3 times, then building up to 3 laps, 4, etc. The clear demarcation of distance was helpful with the mental part I worried not at all about time and took as much rest in between until I felt the urge to go back for more laps.
      I am lucky to have an amazing track in my neighborhood. I know not everyone has the same access. But you may find a substitute in running around a small pond or a circuit in the park.

      1. Unfortunately no (in the middle of the city, no local tracks here). But, I really really like this idea. I’ll try to map out something similar at a park I run in a lot!

  18. Help me with Netflix, please: When I scroll through movies/TV shows on Netflix, I want to see all of the options in a particular genre. I do not want Netflix to show me only dramas that take place during WWII because the last three drama movies I watched took place during WWII.

    I have seen advice to clear my Netflix history, but that doesn’t help me because: (1) it will just start tracking what I watch and feeding me only similar things again, and (2) I don’t really care if it keeps track of what I watch, I just don’t want what I watch to limit what Netflix shows me.

    Any suggestions? I am trying to approximate walking through a Blockbuster in the sense that if you went to the comedies section, you could see ALL the comedy titles, not just the ones that were similar to the last three comedy titles you rented. TIA.

    1. I had this trouble with Netflix as well. I want to see what’s there, not see what it wants to show me. I get around this by going online through my laptop browser and browsing around that way.

    2. I don’t even try to browse on Netflix because it’s too annoying. I just look up articles on the best movies or shows and of what’s added each month and use that to add things to my watch list. That gets me a pretty good list of things to watch.

        1. +1

          I actually keep a running list of shows I want to see on different channels, and movies. Then when I get tired of whatever channel or two I am subscribed to that month, I cancel it. And then subscribe to the next one that has things I want to see.

          When I sign up for the new channel, I immediately google “best shows on Hulu” or whatever. Scan them, and add the interesting ones to my list.

    3. I think you can search by genre. In my view, there’s some drop-down buttons at the top that let you do that.

      1. +1 You can definitely browse by genre and this is true no matter what device you’re using.

        1. Thanks for confirming – I watch on a laptop but wasn’t sure if it was different for an iPad, etc.

      2. OP: Yes, you can, but within a genre, it will show you only things that are similar to what you already have watched.

    4. You should be able to internet search for “Netflix codes” and get numerical codes for particular categories to enter into the search box. I haven’t used this in a while so I’m assuming it still works.

    5. This might be extreme, but have you thought of trying a new user profile? DH and I have a “Joint” Netflix profile set-up now so that Netflix shows us movies we can watch together but keep our separate profiles for personal preference. Seems like the same thing could work in your case.

      1. OP here: I was thinking of setting up a new user, calling it “browse only” (or similar) and using it to browse but never to watch (so it could never serve as the seed for Netflix feeding me anything). Before I did so, I wanted to see if anyone had better options. I think I will do this. Thanks.

  19. First CSA box of the year. Favorite recipes/ideas that use any of these vegetables?

    Bok Choy
    Garlic scapes
    Arugula
    Dinosaur kale
    Turnip greens

    1. If you have too much arugula and kale, you can always make it into pesto and freeze it. Maybe turnip greens too, though I haven’t tried that.

    2. Bok Choy: if it’s small then stir fry it. If it’s big, throw it away. just kidding. You can probably grate it and make a greens pancake
      Garlic Scapes: pesto or grill them, they cook similar to a green bean.
      Arugula: salad, put it on pizza
      Dinosaur kale: kale chips or fry them like this (https://cookieandkate.com/quick-collard-greens-recipe/)
      Turnip greens: pesto or greens pancakes. you could probably cook them like the cookie and kate recipe above, too.

    3. Is it baby arugula? I like an arugula salad tossed in plain olive oil (no acid) with a little bit of goat cheese. Add a slice of sourdough toast and that’s my perfect meal.

      Just make sure you wash it well. This is a good application for a salad spinner.

      I’m no use on the kale. I think kale is a hoax.

    4. I like kale and greens cooked – in soups, with beans, heavily seasoned and sautéed in a frittata.

    5. I’m a broken record on this, but pizza toppings is a great way to use up miscellaneous vegetables.

      For the greens, I like making homemade kale chips. I believe the turnip greens can also be used for this. Just massage the leaves well so they are coated with your oil of choice, season, then bake at 350 F for 14 minutes. I do this in batches and move to wire racks to cool, just like I would do if I was making cookies.

    6. Bok choy is great chopped into ribbons and added to stir-fry vegetables. You could also use the garlic scapes and kale that way, although I would use the scapes in a pasta (https://umamigirl.com/garlic-scape-pasta/) and we roast dinosaur kale (after removing the ribs and cutting into 1-inch pieces) to have a side dish with salmon or chicken.

      Arugula is great on grilled pizza or you can mix it in with other greens and make a great salad, with a homemade vinaigrette. I find it too peppery to eat on its own.

      As for the turnip greens – good luck. My grandparents ate those (as well as collard greens) prepared the old-fashioned way, with bacon grease and broth (so you end up with greens in “pot liquor”) and I could not stand them. Those would be going in the compost pile for me, lol

  20. I have a favorite lightweight/sheer foundation that being discontinued – I can easily rub it in to my face with my fingers in the morning, then use concealer for any really dark spots. Combination-to-oily skin. Any favorites of yours that I could try?

    1. NARS radiant tinted moisturizer is probably the best on the market and I’ve tried them all. I apply with my fingers all the time. Just don’t apply too much and don’t count on it for SPF (no one applies enough of these products to be a stand-alone spf).

      If you want more coverage, the Dr Jart BB cream is excellent.

      1. I got this based on a rec on this board, and found it a bit too shimmery for my taste (though I’ve been using it on and off). I’ve been using Glossier as well and still not in love. For reference, my favorite discontinued product was Armani Maestro.

      2. +1 recently switched after using bare minerals tinted moisturizer for ages and I LOVE the na rs

    3. I have been loyal to MAC Studio Fix makeup and never found anything better for my oily/combo/adult-acne-prone skin. You could try their other, sheer versions, but I never had to use a concealer with Studio Fix.

    4. For very light coverage, I like Sephora’s weekend warrior tinted moisturizer. I also really like glow screen (or now, I really really really like the elf dupe for only $14!!).

      My favorite general moisturizer is the L’oreal true match hyaluronic tinted serum. It’s still very light coverage, but provides more than weekend warrior.

      1. Sorry – I’m the OP of the running thread and didn’t change my handle!

        Also, there is nothing worse when a favorite product is discontinued! I’m still mourning my favorite eyeliner years later.

    5. ILIA True Skin Serum Foundation might be an option. Or the ILIA Super Serum Skin Tint.

    6. You can stalk it on eBay. I’ve found a long-discontinued lipstick shade there, as well as some other items.

  21. My mom just got a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. No risk factors. She is 80. They are doing chemo every other week.

    What do I need to expect here? I am a plane flight away and can fly home as needed and work remotely as needed to help her and my dad. It is all new to them also and a shock.

    My guess is that this will be a hard year if she makes it that long. Her health is otherwise good. But dad is not used to being a caregiver and she had a lot of work to do when he had a stage 1 prostate cancer that was successfully treated a decade ago.

    Advice? Annecdata?

    1. I’m sorry to say this will go quickly and you should make sure your parents have their affairs in order.

      1. I am sorry to co-sign this based on personal experience with friends of our family. The doctors may say mean survival is 18 months with treatment, but in my experience, survival time can be widely variable, and I have yet to see anyone diagnosed at stage 4 make it to 18 months, even with top-notch treatment at MD Anderson. It’s not impossible for Mom to make it – the five-year survival rate is something like 2 or 5 percent, depending on what type she has. But I just haven’t seen it, personally.

        It’s going to be critical for OP’s mom and dad to get all their paperwork in order – wills, advanced directive, power of attorney, etc. as quickly as possible. The folks we knew who survived more than 6 months went through brutal chemo and ended up on heavy, heavy pain meds, and were not compos mentis enough to be able to participate in making decisions for their own care and estate planning after a period of time. We also knew someone who only lived 6 weeks after diagnosis, and barely had time to get their paperwork done before they passed.

        So, OP, my recommendation is that you take FMLA or whatever leave you have available to you right now – do not wait – and go see your parents. Help them prepare for what’s coming. If your dad can’t be an adequate caregiver and you can’t do it yourself because of work, then you need to find home care, residential hospice, or a nursing home for your mom (maybe assisted living that can “step up” to nursing care when she needs it?). You can also call a non-residential hospice organization (and I would) but understand – that means a visit a couple of times a week from a nurse to make sure your mom is comfortable and is getting her meds; they do not provide a lot of hands-on caregiving. If you need someone to dole out meds, prepare meals, do light housekeeping, help with bathing and dressing, etc. that means a home-care person.

        I am sorry this is happening to you and I wish you and your family the best. If you can spend some time with your mom now, in the early days after her diagnosis, you likely will not regret that in the future.

        1. Getting non-residential hospice involved is an excellent plan. My mother had congestive heart failure and signed herself up for it about a year before she passed. They supported her decision to continue treatment and were just so good at having hard conversations about weighing the benefits of treatment. Those were necessary, and they handled it with such compassion. She was always happy to see her hospice people, even while she was actively seeking treatment. Then when she decided to stop taking her meds, there was an easy and seamless transition to comfort care.

          I can’t recommend this highly enough. It doesn’t mean she is stopping treatment; it will just help planning and comfort for when that time comes (if it does). If the chemo works, then she will just stop receiving the visits. I have a friend whose mother experienced that scenario.

          Sending good thoughts to you and your family— this is such a hard time.

      2. Sad to echo this. FIL want from diagnosis in late May to passing away in late July after being given 6-12 months. The last few weeks were in home hospice, and he was quite out of it because of the palliative care. Luckily, MIL had the resources to hire a night nurse so she was able to get some sleep. Go to your parents, help them get things in order and spend precious time with your mother.

        I am so sorry you are going through this and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

    2. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. If I were in your position and my job allowed me to work remotely, I’d consider doing the long drive to their home and plan to be there for several months. I’d also consider taking leave so that you can be your mother’s caregiver.

        1. +1

          That is what I did. My Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 PC at age 67.

          It is challenging caregiving. The side effects of chemo and the disease can be brutal, including digestion/appetite/lower stuff problems, pain, depression in particular.

          Please consider taking FMLA to see where things stand, be her advocate, consider what will be needed for this challenging transition, and start talking with siblings about what realistically Dad can manage now – and in the future if he is alone.

          And most importantly – get her hooked in to the Palliative Care clinic/physician that sees the cancer patients at her location. Even though she is doing chemo now, which unfortunately will not be curative, she can have a Palliative Care doctor working with her team to help address all of her quality of life symptoms like sleep, mood, energy, appetite, constipation, pain and more. She will live longer and better with this doctor helping her. And this doctor will help your parents tremendously at each stage of treatment for deciding what she wants to do, and how to live with dignity and comfort.

          I’m so sorry about your Mom.

    3. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you don’t already know what your mother’s preferences are for end of life care, when she would consider the benefits of treatment to no longer be worth the side effects or impact on quality of life, etc., I would have that discussion with her and your father as soon as possible. It will make decisions so much easier later if you all understand what she wants.

    4. Similar experience with my grandfather (stage 4 early 80s) and the advice I cannot emphasize enough is fly home, like today or tomorrow. Tell your boss today. Take off the beginning of next week. Spend time with your parents – watch movies, eat ice cream, whatever you want to do. On Monday, comes the adulting – triaging that all affairs are in order, making sure that dad also knows passwords to stuff. But have fun first.

      1. +1 to this and to taking an extended leave if you can. I don’t mean to fear monger but this is a brutal cancer that typically progresses quickly, I lost two family members to it within months of diagnosis.
        I’d focus on her needs and then also work with her/your dad to make sure you know her wishes – does she want ongoing treatment at a certain point or just palliative care? Is her estate in order? Do you know what she wants for her funeral?
        As my parents/extended family get older I am seeing the very real difference estate planning and making your wishes known ahead of time has on your family. Those who lost parents who had wills/trusts/burial plots/lawyers with access to passwords/etc. had a much easier time of things as they just had to follow a plan vs. those that had to deal with a loss AND figuring out what their family member would have wanted.

      2. I just want to echo this. My MIL got diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer last year and lived 8 weeks from diagnosis. My husband bounced back and forth from where she was to where we live for 6 weeks, and then she died. We thought she had at least six months to a year – that was what we had originally been told – and planned around that. Had we known she was going to die so quickly, we would have made different choices. So, OP, if you are going to go – go now. Tell your boss today that you need to take leave and will be out for at least two weeks. And then get to your parents’ house and figure things out from there.

      3. similar experience here. go be with your folks as soon as you can, OP. i am so sorry.

    5. Go home now. You don’t have long and the chemo will likely make her feel very sick. I agree with the poster that said to enjoy a few days, then get her affairs in order.

    6. Depending on her health generally this could be a weeks to months kind of thing. It’s just brutal. My father-in-law got to no evidence of disease after Whipple surgery – which is regarded as one of the hardest surgeries – and still passed away with an 18 months.

    7. Go home now if you can. We had 8 weeks from diagnosis to funeral services. You are in my prayers, this is an awful road.

  22. My aunt passed away last year less than a week after diagnosis. She had been diagnosed with diabetes several years earlier, from which she was stable, but for about 6 months prior to the cancer diagnosis, she was having difficulty with controlling her blood sugar and had multiple falls. She was in the hospital with diabetic complications when she was diagnosed.

    We got to see her in the intervening weekend. If we hadn’t, I would have always regretted it.

    Go as soon as you can.

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