Coffee Break: Fleming Tote

95 Comments

1. Anyone out there as bitter, angry, and frustrated by their job situation as I am. I am doing my second “temp to perm” (ie they dangle that carrot in front of you without ever intending to make you a permanent hire) and all of my attempts at job seeking over the last couple of months have been a wash!

   1. Sorry to hear about your job situation. If you haven’t already, I would reccomend checking the Ask a Manager blog for job searching and intreview tips. There’s an open thread tomorrow if you want to post there as well. Good luck!

      1. Yes, me too. There are alot of unscrupulus employers out there that use us and then dispose of us. Unfortunately most are male chauvinists who think of us as plow horses to do their work and serve them like they are the king of Egypt. FOOEY on men like this. I think we can be feminists as well as feminine, despite what many peeople think. If we do both, we can get what we want out of life, be it a husband or a steady job. I wish you the best of luck in your job search. I know if I find a guy to MARRY me, I can leave all of this work stuff in the dust and retire permenantley! YAY!!!!

   2. Yep, I hate my job. Friends have told me to quit after seeing me so stressed out, emotional, and in tears over my current situation. I don’t know what field you’re in, but I would continue to job search rather than trust that a full time permanent position will come through. I know easier said than done, but I’m sure an employer would rather leave you as a temp for as long as possible. Can you speak with your manager and as for a more specific time frame for a permanent position?

2. I love this bag, it looks so versatile!

   I’m trying to learn more about feminism, history, current movements, etc. Any suggestions for must read feminist books?

   Theory/philosophy, social observation, ficton, all types of feminist reading is welcome. Movies too!

   1. The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir. This is foundational and SO important for understanding the origin of patriarchy. I also plan to read all the books on this list; anti-feminist activists tried to get them banned from a small women’s library in Toronto. That tells me they must have important ideas!

      -Admission Accomplished – Jill Johnston
      -Against Sadomasochism – Robin R. Linden, Darlene R. Pagano, Diana E. Russell, Susan Leigh Star
      -Amazon Odyssey: Collection of Writings – Ti-Grace Atkinson
      -Buddhism after Patriarchy – Rita M. Gross
      -The Female Man – Joana Russ
      -Female Sexual Sl*v*ry – Kathleen Barry
      -Feminism Unmodified – Catharine A. Mackinnon
      -First Buddhist Women: Poems and Stories of Awakening Susan Murcott
      -Gyn/Ecology – Mary Daly
      -The Idea of Prostitution – Sheila Jeffreys
      -The Industrial Vagina: The Political Economy of the Global Sex Trade – Sheila Jeffreys
      -Intercourse – Andrea Dworkin
      -The Lesbian Heresy – Sheila Jeffreys
      -Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women – Geraldine Brooks
      -Not a Choice, Not a Job: Exposing the Myths about Prostitution and the Global Sex Trade – Janice Raymond
      -Not for Sale: Feminists Resisting Prostitution and Pornography-Of Women Born – Adrienne Rich
      -Pornography: Men Possessing Women – Andrea Dworkin
      -Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
      -The Sexual Liberals and the Attack on Feminism – Janice Raymond
      -Women As Wombs: Reproductive Technologies and the Battle over Women’s Freedom – Janice Raymond

      1. So, the story about “banning” those books is more complicated. These books all represent one very specific strand in feminist thought, and the people calling for them not to be included in the library represent a different strand of feminist thought. Many of these books are excellent and foundational, but if you take this as a reading list in feminist thought, you’ll end up with a narrow and distorted view of what feminist thought is overall.

   2. Shrill by Lindy West

   3. I have another comment that might be in moderation – for an accessible but comprehensive history, try No Turning Back by Estelle Freedman. Agree with Second Sex, and from the list above I would start with Dworkin and Mackinnon. Overall, it’s a very narrow slice of feminist thought. Susan Faludi, Backlash, is a good read. Yes Means Yes collects short feminist essays on sex. If you want old school, Mary Wollstonecraft.

   4. We Should All Be Feminists.

   5. “Feminist Fight Club” and “We All Should Be Feminists” were on sale for $1.99 and $2.99 yesterday on Amazon (Kindle edition).

3. It was good to see Clinton appear relaxed during her recent speech in California. She was also smart to add a timely comment about inappropriate treatment faced by Congresswoman Waters and journalist April Ryan.

   1. I am a huge fan, and the comments from yesterday made me love her even more.

      1. Ditto

      2. I didn’t much like her before the election (for non-specific reasons that I now recognize were mostly the result of much biased coverage and GOP propaganda), but seeing the staggering amount of sexism that was thrown her way both in the primary and general and how gracefully she handled it turned me into a HUUUUGE fan. I have her silhouette with the “women’s rights are human rights” quote framed in my home office and I’m going to hang the line from her concession speech about little girls never doubting that they are deserving of every opportunity in my daughter’s nursery. I believe history will recognize her for the hero she is.

         1. Welcome to team HRC, Anonymous!

         2. Welcome to the club, Anonymous!

4. Anyone else turn to food during times of stress/depression? My vice is sweets. I was doing good for a while, but got off track the past couple of weeks. I was on vacation last week and did overindulge a bit. It’s been a struggle getting motivated this week.

   I know what I have to do to eat healthier – pack fruits/veggies for snacks, drink more water, etc. but I’m just not doing it. Sometimes a Little Debbie zebra cake just tastes too good.

   This weekend I’m coming up with a meal plan and going grocery shopping to help get back on track.

   1. I find that snacking on grapes helps — they are super sweet. I also find that sometimes I’m looking for the crunch of candy coating (hi M&Ms), and in that case, carrots (with hummus) or apples (with peanut butter) help.

      1. Also, I sip on decaf coffee all afternoon, which helps cut back on the sugar cravings. (No sugar in my coffee, just cream.)

      2. Pickles are perfect for crunch, too.

   2. I carry a 1L bottle of water and guzzle it constantly. I feel better when I’m hydrated, and it also makes me really not inclined to nosh on random things unless I’m hungry. Carry a big bottle- you’ll drink more that way.

   3. What about a sweet-flavored tea? I curb my desperate cravings to go to the candy bowl in our office via java/mocha/vanilla-esque flavored tea. Satisfies my “boredom”/need for stimulation and sweetness. If I’m totally desperate I’ll make a hot chocolate. If I’m going to get 11 grams of sugar, I may as well make it last as long as possible. Candy/cookies are gone like *that* and have more sugar. I do not advise going to hot chocolate first before trying tea.

   4. At the suggestion of some ladies on this board, I just finished a Whole 30 diet and it really did re-set my relationship with food, as promised. I have not been a fruit eater at all but after being off sugar and sweets for a week or two, that fresh pineapple and those fresh berries suddenly seemed very delicious indeed.

      It is a lot of work but it was well worth it. I finished on Tuesday but I plan to stick with the “no sugar” thing for the most part.

      1. Pineapple is so good! I can’t buy whole pineapple or I’ll eat the entire thing and that amount of acid burns my mouth.

      2. Good idea! I just saw pineapple was on sale at the store, so I’ll pick some up. My husband recently bought one of those pineapple coring tools and it makes it so easy to prepare fresh pineapple.

         1. Yes! We have that tool and LH is the Pineapple King at our house!

      3. Me too! I’ve been done for a about a month and besides eating tons of sweets and cheese in Europe on vacation (which my belly was not happy about) sweets are pretty much dunzo for me. I had a banana with peanut butter on legume reintroduction day and it was the most delicious thing I had ever eaten.

         For the OP – flavored seltzer, coffee (black), berries, fruity tea or rooibos tea all help me. Tea(herbal/decaffinated) particularly is quite relaxing and can curb a sweets craving.

         I learned how to cut pineapple here – http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/05/knife-skills-how-to-cut-a-pineapple.html

   5. How about going after the root cause instead of the reaction? Can you take steps to untangle your depression/stress, even if it’s just to acknowledge the feelings fully?

      1. I’ve actually played around with the idea of seeing a counselor. I feel like I have low levels of depression and anxiety.

         I think the most recent things have been getting caught up with work after being gone a week in addition to getting handed a new set of things with a looming deadline. Two of my cats have had some health issues recently so that’s been adding to the stress.

         I started following Yoga with Adriene after seeing it mentionex here and that’s helped.

   6. Thanks for the tips! This gives me some ideas of get from the store.

      I tried doing the Whole 30 before, but I quit about a week in because I do not like cooking and hit a busy patch at work. I think if I could do a better job of planning ahead I would be more sucessful.

      Putting this out there also makes me feel accountable, so that helps too!

   7. Snack on fat instead of sugar if you really need to snack. Nuts or cheese are good snacks. Veggies and fruit aren’t great snacks for me because veggies might have almost no calories (an entire cucumber is like 50) and fruit is high in sugar. I could eat an entire cucumber or apple and be starving again 30 minutes later. Two slices of cheese will tide me over until dinner much better.

      1. Thanks! I’ve enjoyed Siggis yogurt in the past. I think I’ll get some of the 2% flavors to keep at work.

         1. Their coconut yogurt is the BOMB and it’s really low in sugar. They also have some full fat versions I really like; the vanilla is delicious.

      2. +1. And I was also going to say make sure you’re eating enough in general. Sometimes I find myself trying to be overly “healthy” which results in not getting enough calories and that makes sweets irresistible. Filling up on protein, fiber, good fats, etc. may help.

5. You know that thread a couple days/weeks back about to look like old money? Is it just me or is this bag is about as trashy new-money looking as you can get?

   1. Totally. As is TB generally.

   2. Oooh, link please?

   3. I try not to think in those terms, but… yeah.

   4. Definitely, but I really like it and don’t care about pretending to be “old money” so…

      1. LOL yeah there’s that. I like a lot of the Tory Burch things but those giant T’s just put me off…

         1. I’m glad it’s not just me. I hate the T’s and there’s something about Tory Burch that turns me off, even though some of the bags are nice.

         2. I think it’s a case of too much – an embossed T on a simpler bag would be fine, but the T plus busy quilting plus chains on the straps plus tassel is a lot of bag. I don’t know if it reads trashy but it does read “I like Tory Burch a whole whole lot.”

      2. There’s nothing more tacky than pretending to be something you’re not.

         Happily new money and proud of it, and loves this bag

   5. I don’t know about trashy or new-money, but it feels very 80’s to me. Some people like that, but it’s not my thing.

      Also that much chain makes the bag heavier, which I don’t like. I carry enough cr!p around with me, I don’t need the bag itself to weigh a ton on top of the rest of it.

   6. The T doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I feel like it looks imitation Chanel. I know there are quilted bags with chains are everywhere but the style screams ‘knock-off’ to me.

   7. I’m lust lust lusting over the Chloe Faye in the tan/saddle color. It’s $2000 and that will keep me from getting it, but if I found $2000 on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t care how old the money was, I’d own that bag.

      1. That bag is gorg.

6. Update: Ended up postponing the interview, which I think was a good decision, as I got worse as the day went on, and I was so out of it I couldn’t even focus on a tv show, let alone give good answers in an interview. My stomach’s still not happy today (ate an apple and dry rice today) but I managed to go to work, did the phone interview, got an email an hour later inviting me for an in-person interview next week!

   Now I’m crossing my fingers my interview clothes still fit.

   1. Good job, Baconpancakes!

      1. Agreed, but I do NOT like Pancakes with Bacon! FOOEY! I do like the p’oster BACON PANCAKES, tho. She is VERY astute and cute I think! YAY!!!!

   2. Woo hoo! Nicely done!

   3. Great news! Sending good vibes for your in person interview.

   4. Yay, glad it worked out!

7. Thought of this s!te with the recent news that Mike Pence won’t have dinner alone with women who aren’t his wife. It’s so, so frustrating that women are continually held back this way.

   1. As if any other woman would want him

   2. This sounds straight out of “The Pences Visit Manhattan,” from Shouts and Murmurs. Except this is true.

   3. One of my (male) outside counsel always brings someone else to lunch and it just now occurred to me to wonder if this is why.

   4. I actually have a friend who thinks this is a completely reasonable rule for spouses. She and an ex-bf split because when he went to law school, she told him he was not allowed to see women outside of class, even if it was for the purpose of studying. And it wasn’t just that he couldn’t study one-on-one with a woman – she told him he literally could not be in a study group that contained men and women. He thought that was crazy and dumped her, but she never gave up on the idea that this was how spouses treated each other if they were being ‘respectful.’ She’s now married to a guy who works in a male-dominated profession with no travel, and has no female friends. In his specific case, he’s not holding any woman back at work, because he’s very low on the totem pole in an hourly job, it’s not like law or something like that where you have to build relationships outside of work to advance. But I still judge them. And I know she judges me because my professor husband has dinner alone with his female research collaborators. She actually told me point blank that my husband was probably cheating on me when she found out he’d had dinner alone with a female colleague.

      1. JFC I can’t even begin to understand people like that. I hope she’s got amazing qualities in other areas that justify a friendship.

         1. She’s a friend from long ago and we’re not really close anymore. She and her whole family voted for Trump so needless to say we really don’t see eye to eye on much anymore.

      2. An ex (good guy, just not for me) brought up that this complete distrust of men around women is pretty insulting, because it assumes that men are these uncontrolled wild beasts who aren’t human enough to be able to hold themselves back in the presence of a pretty woman. I found that I agreed, and if you can’t trust your SO to have dinner with a colleague, how on earth are you going to trust them to be a full and equal partner in a marriage? And it completely ignores the issue of homosexuality, or for goodness sake, bisexuality!

      3. Yikes! Imagine how insecure she must feel all the time.

      4. In Pence’s sick mind, we’re all Eve just lying in wait to tempt him with an apple.

         Don’t flatter yourself, bro.

         1. I’d be tempted to hit him WITH an apple. Thrown at a high velocity. At his face.

            1. You go, Eve.

   5. Saw that this morning and the became enraged at the ensuing comments from white men to the effect of “but why is this bad!? He’s keeping himself away from temptation! He’s honoring his wife! I bet all you womynz ttly wish your men treated you this way!”

      Point flew right over your heads, dudes. You are the problem. STFU.

   6. If I was following Pence rule I couldn’t have lunch with my boss, who is a lesbian! I’m also having a dinner with a male ex-colleague tonight… My husband doesn’t have a problems with it, and my counterpart’s wife doesn’t have a problem with it… I guess we are both in trusting relationships, and trust each other and ourselves.

   7. I really chafe at this narrative, because it implies that *se*ual temptation” is everywhere, and unmarried women are all harlots trying to steal your man. It implies that women cannot be professional and men cannot be trusted around them.

      There’s a really fantastic Onion article that just came out about it though. Will post link in reply to avoid mod.

      1. http://www.theonion.com/article/mike-pence-asks-waiter-remove-mrs-butterworth-tabl-55661

         1. Haha that’s great!

         2. Haaaaaa!!!

         3. Yes, one of the funnier Onions in a while. The whole makes me so rage-y though.

      2. yassssssss re; Ms. Butterworth’s. She should be sent back to the kitchen where she belongs.

         also, that men can’t control themselves- and *this* is not the problem is that needs remedying. It’s the *presence of women* that is a problem. That men can’t control themselves is taken as a given.

   8. There’s an Onion article today about him asking the restaurant to remove the bottle of Mrs. Butterworth until his wife arrives and I died.

      1. Oh, jinx! (Above)

   9. Isn’t this really just an extension of our discussion yesterday about the poster who was concerned that her husband was friendly with a female associate?

      Again, it makes me see red. Women are held back because of this. And the *worst* part is that women are the ones who are to blame in case a male colleague somehow falls for temptation (and into her vagine because apparently that is how that goes). Ugh.

      PS – Pence clearly got drunk once and cheated. There is no other real explanation for this nonsense.

      1. I’m a female in a male dominated industry. If I couldn’t have guy work friends, I’d have no work friends and no one to go out to lunch with.

         Fortunately most of my guy friends’ significant others aren’t as insecure as Mrs Pence, but there is one particularly close friend whose wife felt that way for a while.

         It has been tough because this dude and I are friends outside of work, and were so before there was a Mrs. There has never been a single inappropriate moment between her husband and me. In fact it grosses me out to think about that. He’s like my brother.

         Where things stand now, I am friends with this guy but never have one on one lunches with him. There’s always a third person. And I am never invited to events at his home.

         Must be sad to be his wife. Objectively, she’s much more attractive than me so it’s not that.

   10. To play devil’s advocate, I recently moved on from a job that was customer-facing. Honestly, I dealt with a lot of “perception” issues when I took my male clients out to dinner. A hard-and-fast rule like Pence’s seems a little extreme, but I could see him wanting to avoid the perception of anything untoward, especially with being in the media spotlight.

       Unfortunately, society likes drama, and an older married man out with a younger female colleague/intern/friend/whatever can give people fodder for discussion.

       1. I mean on the surface I get that but it literally means that no female on his staff could ever possibly have the same relationship (mentorship, job opportunities) as the males and that’s atrocious.

8. Hello Corporettes!

   I have a challenge with my wardrobe, although it is a good one to have! I recently took off 60lbs, returning to work and I am having a hard time parting with some suit pieces that have been my staples for the past years. They are designer pieces and still in excellent quality. There is no way I could replace these on my budget! I can, however, through my alteration rewards at Nordstrom’s afford alterations. I have heard that bringing down a suit jacket more than a size is really complicated. I went from a 16/18 to a size 8/10 (I have broad shoulders so I buy a size up). Here is what I see: the shoulder width is still the same and the armholes are reasonably relaxed now. The bust and waist are swimming and so are the arm lengths since I lost a great deal of weight in my arms. I think I will have to part with the pants and the skirts are generally just taking in and shortening the hem (I do kinda like the new length now though).

   My question is: do I have hope to save these pieces through uncomplicated alterations? Has anyone else been through this? How did it turn out?

   FWIW, I have already been scouring thrift stores and very luckily found some add in pieces of high quality in my actual new size. Most had tags still attached and were under $2! YAYYY!!!!

   1. Bad news, there is really no way to take in jackets that much and have them look even halfway good. Straight skirts can be taken in quite a bit (but you have to be careful as sometimes the linings do not turn out as smooth as they were when they were initially made but it can be done). But jackets are a no go.

      Good news, you have been extremely successful and the reward is new clothes :)

   2. No hope at all. Sorry, and congrats!

9. I have a lot of cellulite on the backs of my thighs. Other than being forced into a bathing suit once in a while, my upper thighs are never on display.

   I have a black casual dress with an asymmetric hem that has a highish slit on one side. I didn’t think much of it until I caught a glimpse of the back of myself in a tall mirror and saw that I was flashing a bit of my cellulite.

   I love the dress for all of its other features and the slit is part of what makes it interesting. I’m thinking I’d like to find a pair of leggings or bike shorts that end just above my knee to wear with it.

   Have any of you found such a thing? It should I buy a pair of hue leggings and have them hemmed somehow?

   1. It is most likely the lighting that makes that effect–daylight is the worst! Definitely get a pair of Spanx-like shorts to help with the smoothing out. Really important to make sure they: A) don’t roll or ride up, and B) dig into the skin with the end hem. They don’t necessarily need to be super tight to work, it’s generally the fabric density that does the work. Go for silky or “slick” fabric, I’d be concerned that bike shorts or something lacy will make the problem with the fit of the dress worse. Any big department store’s hoseriy section will have great options for you. PS–most women of all sizes and ages have cellulite, try not to stress over trying to perfectly correct it but do wear what makes you feel confident! :)

   2. no. You can’t wear visible bike shirts under a dress! Your cellulite is not something you need to cover.

10. *that would be hosiery ;)

11. Need some advice about a job offer my husband just got.

    He was contacted by a recruiter a month or so ago but the original salary they were talking was too low, by about $20k. He thanked the recruiter for her time but said there was no point in interviewing since his expectation and their offering were so different. Two weeks ago, the recruiter called back. Salary is now what my husband would actually consider making a change for, $110k. He goes to three interviews in the last two weeks, the employer loves him, job looks great. He confirms, multiple times, including in an email, that the salary is $110k.

    Today, he gets the call with the offer. At $100k. Sorry, that’s the best we can do. He brings up the other conversations where the salary was higher. Yes, I understand you were expecting that, so sorry, offer is $100k.

    I’m livid as this seems like a total bait and switch and a very bad sign of how the employer will be to work for. He’s already gotten himself all excited about leaving his current job – which he doesn’t love, but is otherwise fine and stable – and wants to take the offer. I’m encouraging him to negotiate, but is that a waste of time? To me, a company that would do something like this probably doesn’t care about building goodwill or acting in good faith. Ultimately, it’s his decision but I’m just wondering if it’s worth him trying to get the salary he was told was on the table.

    1. It depends on whether the recruiter was an outside recruiter who overpromised, or whether an actual company representative was on the other end of those verbal and email conversations offering him the $110k.

       If the latter, no way in hell would I go work for that company.

       If the former, I guess I’d make a decision on the merits of the job and whether I could live with $100k.

       1. (And if that’s an external recruiter who overpromised not only would I never work with her again, but I’d tell my colleagues about her bait and switch tactics too )

       2. +1

    2. Assuming people inside the company did that, I would not work there. I probably wouldn’t even work there if they raised the offer to $110. They’ve already indicated they “can’t” pay more, already used a bait and switch tactic, and if it’s at will employment, the company can always decrease the salary in a few months. (This happened to my husband at his last job, although the circumstances going in were different.)

       If the recruiter did this, then I would explain to the company what happened and would weigh the cost/benefit of the job for $100K.

    3. Thanks for the comments. It was an external recruiter, but there are some very hinky things about the offer, and he’s going to turn it down. Not worth it to deal with a bunch of BS when he wasn’t even really looking to leave.

12. I completely forgot I am interviewing someone today for a role outside of my department. The reason I am involved is that the person in this role will interact with our group on some gov’t compliance issues and my boss is out of the office today, so the interviewee is stuck with me.

    This person is currently in a government role. I want to know more about why he/she is interested in coming over to the “dark side,” aka corporate America, and also how they envision the interactions between the open position and our group. I will give the interviewee a bit of an overview about how the groups work together.

    Since I am do not have any supervisory or direct influence on this role, what other types of questions should I ask?

    I am new to the employer-side interviewing game.

13. Google “behavioral” interview questions (the “tell me about a time” kind) and look for some that represent situations that the person might come across in their work. given what you described, I might look for some that are about navigating times when different stakeholders disagreed, having to tell a customer or partner “no”, building relationships, etc.

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