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Hell-o, gorgeous, streamlined tote (on sale!) from Tory Burch. I love the origami-inspired designed, the mix of semi-gloss leather and suede (you can see it much better on the color versions of the bag), and the organization looks pretty decent as well. Something about it looks fresh yet classic at the same time. It was $650, but is now on sale at Tory Burch for $325 in black and putty; UK-based retailer Farfetch has a lovely teal blue for $472. Penelope Tote
(L-3)
Update: The surprise sale at Kate Spade has been extended an extra day — save up to 75% off prices. Nice!
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
East Coast Anon
Don’t be the gossip at work. It’s tacky. Due to my team’s gossip, I now know some personal information about someone I shouldn’t know and would’ve preferred not knowing. The info was inserted into a discussion about something else. Don’t be that person!
LAnon
Thank you for this – very true.
Lyssa
Hair threadjack: I just got a haircut with long layers and side bangs. When the stylist dried it, I had lots of cute, defined layers framing my face, but when I do it, the hair just sort of blends together in a rounded blob. How can I define these layers? I saw one tip that said blow-dry in sections, but I guess I just don’t really understand how to do that.
TIA!
Anonymous
To blow dry in sections, you simply clip up the wet hair and leave a little down and literally blow dry it in sections. I recommend mostly drying it with indirect air with no concern for style until its damp (not soaking). Then, dry the front pieces first so they don’t dry totally crazy while you do the rest.
Then pull up all but the bottom back part, dry that, put in a hair elastic, pull down more hair from the back, dry, repeat. Then pull down each side, dry it, put it in the elastic and repeat until your whole head is dry and styled. If you flat iron, do it as each section is dry. So blow-dry, flat iron, put in elastic, repeat with another section.
Check out the beauty department dot com. That’s where I first learned the dry the front part first tip.
Jessica Glitter
Agreed – I use a BIG round brush while blowing drying, and then flat iron the sections.
roses
Also, call your stylist and ask what products he/she used in your hair. There are a lot of texture-adding and styling creams that could help, but which one is best depends totally on what hair type you have.
Sydney Bristow
I’d also try using a big curling iron as well. I can’t recreate a stylist’s blowout when I blowdry myself but I can get close with a curling iron.
LAnon
I had a “piece-y” bob for a while and really found that I like Bumble and Bumble Brilliantine. It’s expensive but a little goes a long way and give a little bit of separation / definition to the layers without making it look dirty.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever done a trek to the Everest Basecamp? Any tips for doing it on a budget? In the (very early) planning stages.
Equity's Darling
I haven’t, but I had a friend that did it with Geckos Adventures, and she was really happy with it.
I think she said it cost her just under $4000 total? I don’t know whether that’s cheap or not, but she was including all the gear she had to buy, flights, food, tipping, etc. And flights might be cheaper from where you are, Canadian flights are notoriously overpriced, I’m pretty sure her flights alone cost $1500.
Anon
I dated a guy who was an Everest guide and he said that there wasn’t a cheap or fast way to get there.
SoCalAtty
REI offers one as well that looks very well planned.
base camp
I rode my bicycle to Everest base camp (the “tourist” base camp) as part of a bike trip from Lhasa to Kathmandu. There are two base camps. I went to the Tibet/China side. The whole trip was 30 days and cost maybe $9k (???). You can ride in a Toyota Landcruiser all the way too, or hike. Solo travel in China is not for the faint of heart or the non-Mandarin speaker… in Tibet many people do not speak Mandarin. I am sure there are about a trillion tour companies in Lhasa with English speaking guides though, now that Lhasa gets about 10 million tourists a year. You will want to acclimatize. I did not see Everest from camp. It was completely foggy the 2 days I was there in late September.
base camp
The scenery was incredible even with the fog. The Tibet side is kind of barren, so if you want to hike the Nepal side may be better for that. I doubt you’d want to walk all the way from Lhasa to Mt. Everest. It’s very dusty and there aren’t many towns.
Anonymous
Is it bad form to apply for a full-time position at a company where you’re currently filling a 1 year contract?
It’s a full-time position in the same department, but different group (I already know everyone in both groups). I’m 4 months into the 1 year contract, if that makes a difference.
S
No – apply.
TBK
Ehhh, what are the terms of your contract? Are you working for a contracting company, or are you independent? Part of me says you should do what you need to do, and getting a full-time permanent job sounds like something you need to do. But if switching over would burn bridges, you at least need to know exactly what bridges you’re burning so you can figure out if it’s worth it.
Anonymous
I’m independent, the contract says 30 days notice, which I would obviously comply with. I’d honestly prefer to stay in the group that I’m currently with, I just don’t know whether that’s a feasible option, so if I have the chance to go full-time with the company (which I think highly of), I’d take that.
Susie
I was in a similar position, though much closer to the end of my contract. I had a very frank conversation with my then-manager letting her know I would like to stay with that group on a permanent basis but if it was not feasible I was interested in the other position. She was upfront and said she wasn’t sure if they would have any permanent positions before my contract ran up and helped me get the other job. Not sure what your relationship is like with your current manager, but I’m sure they understand that if you only have a temp contract you want a permanent job and it is a step forward in your career.
Blue
LOVE this tote! Perfect “lawyer bag” that I’ve been looking for. Purchased :)
TO Lawyer
Agreed – this is beautiful! I’m currently trying to talk myself out of buying it in the taupe.
B
Beautiful, and I really like the taupe. Does anyone know if this is large enough to carry laptop and/or files home?
Jay
I have a probably dumb question – how do you wear this bag or any bag of this length? Do you put it over your shoulder? It doesn’t look long enough. Or wear on your arm, in the crook of your elbow? That seems uncomfortable. Or just carry in your hand? I like to have my hands free. This bag is absolutely beautiful, but I never buy bags this size because I think I’d be very awkward with actually wearing it.
DC Wonkette
I have one and I usually hold it or have it on my forearm… which has led me to avoid bags like this with short handles. I tried the long strap but with a bigger bag I find it awkward on me.
preg anon
This is a gorgeous bag, but I had a purse from Tory Burch fall apart after just a couple of months of gentle use, and their customer service was so horrendous that I swore them off forever. I would have forgiven and forgotten had they handled it better. I eventually had to use Amex to get my money back because I gave up on Tory Burch.
Anonymous
tory burch is the emperors invisible clothes. Its the only brand I judge people for wearing- I feel like you must be obsessed with brand names to buy her shoes or bags. Its such terrible quality
V
I hear you and I do wish for a stealthier logo, but I have a pair of 2″ block-heel TB pumps that are completely perfect for my problematic feet. >3 years old and in heavy rotation and they are still great.
Jay
I kinda agree about almost all in-your-face logs….but the branding on this bag seems pretty subtle.
cbackson
I will admit that I think of it as a bit arriviste.
Anon
Same thing happened to me. Gently used bag fell apart and the customer service was absolutely awful.
Anon
Does anyone else here dislike Ms. JD?
TBK
I haven’t read it very often but I just clicked over and the phrase “what I wish I would have known” is in big letters. Not a fan of sites with poor grammar.
zora
at least it’s not “what I wish I would of known”
Wildkitten
I don’t actively dislike them but I find them shockingly irrelevant to my life. What’s your complaint? I’m open to hearing reasons I should upgrade to active dislike.
Lyssa
I recall attempting several times to add them to the list of “lawyer-related stuff to read” while I was in law school, and always giving up and turning away right away. I don’t recall any specific complaints, but know that I really didn’t like the site. Whether it was just boring and irrelevant or actively offensive, I do not recall.
katem
Is it just me that can’t bring myself to buy purses that don’t zip up at the top? This is absolutely gorgeous but I feel like it’s an invitation for someone to stick their hand in and grab my laptop/wallet/etc (I know there’s a strap across the top but still) or for stuff to fall out when it’s going through an airport xray scanner. I’m looking for a bag basically exactly like this that zips up and it’s really frustrating me!!
Nonny
You are not alone (cue MJ music). I have a couple of bags without zippers/other full closures, but will only use them for specific occasions, not on a daily basis. I use public transportation a lot and just think there is too much risk involved to use an open bag as my everyday purse. Much as I like to think I am aware of my surroundings, I can’t control everything.
SFBayA
I also only buy purses with ziptops. It’s way too easy for someone to reach in and grab something out of an open-top purse without you noticing, even setting aside the risk of things accidentally falling out due to my own clumsiness and forgetfulness.
zora
+13050395 on the “my own clumsiness and forgetfulness” part
Veronique
Almost all of my purses have zip tops. The ones that don’t have zippered sections large enough to hold my wallet, keys, etc. I was recently looking for a purse/tote for travel and was struck by how many of them have little to no closure at all. Michael Kors has a couple of basic leather totes that zip that I am considering for travel.
LAnon
Sorry for a duplicate post – posted this on the “personal life” thread and then saw the Coffee Break and thought I’d post it here as well:
Etiquette question: I have a co-worker who I used to regularly get lunch and/or drinks with. Over the past few months, she has cancelled several of our lunches or drinks, more or less at the last minute. On a couple of those occasions, I had declined other plans or otherwise worked my schedule around thinking I had plans with her. I have tried to be gracious and accommodating but after the last one, decided that I would no longer go out of my way to schedule these “dates” – usually it was me who picked a day, picked a place, did the inviting, etc. So, no hard feelings, I know everyone is busy and I didn’t want to put her in a position where for whatever reason she no longer wanted to do this, but couldn’t think of a way to graciously extract herself or decline.
However, whenever I see her, she says things like “when are we doing drinks?” or “let’s put something on the calendar for next week!” I have tried to respond in ways that put the onus back on her, for example, “Yes, definitely – just give me a time and place!” or even, “Yeah, I know you’ve been busy, so let me know what evening would be best for you.” She never follows up with any specifics, but the next time I see her, she is asking the same questions and saying guilt-trippy things like “I never see you anymore!”
So my question is, should I just stay my course and continue to ignore her efforts to get me to schedule something? Maybe she’s just saying these things to make conversation? (I’m from the South, transplant to LA – “we should get drinks soon” seems to substitute for “great to see you” around here.) Tell her why I’m not inclined to make plans? I don’t want to counter her rudeness with MORE rudeness, but I also don’t like feeling like someone doesn’t really value my time.
Famouscait
I’ve been in this situation before and I really dislike it. I’m also a Southerner, and find it rude when, for example, I invite you over to my house for dinner and then…. crickets…. you never reciprocate the invite. But I digress. Regarding the friend dates, I have two schools of thought on the matter:
1) I think it’s totally acceptable to continue as you are, politely “put[ting] the onus back on her” to make plans. If she does- great! If not, I understand why you would feel that she’s being rude and doesn’t value your time.
– However –
2) In MWF Seeks BFF (a book about a woman’s year-long search to make new friends) inevitably, over and over again, she had to do all or most of the planning when trying to make new friends. And some times it paid off. Sometimes it didn’t. But, at least in the beginning, the onus was all on her to make friend-dates happen. And she did wind up with more friends after a year.
So, I guess if you want this coworker to be/come a friend, keep pursuing her. If you’re satisfied with your relationship as it is now, keep deferring to her to make plans. Hope that helps.
preg anon
I have a friend like this. I have finally decided some people are just flaky. And I agree with Famouscait, but I think if y’all already have a relationship, then it has to be a two-way street. Making friends requires more effort, but at some point, your friendships should become reciprocal. I decided to stop making an effort with this friend because she always cancelled at the last minute – sometimes giving real reasons, sometimes saying she was double booked, sometimes saying she was slammed at work – but there was ALWAYS an excuse. It seemed like we actually saw each other only 10% of the time we planned to. That is just not okay. I need a friend who values my time more than that.
preg anon
I meant to say that I slightly disagree with Famouscait’s second point, about how it takes more effort to make friends. I agree with that, but don’t think it applies here.
Famouscait
I think we’re actually of the same mind. For example, I have a friend I consider a little sister and she is HORRIBLE at keeping in touch. I don’t care. I call her as much as it takes, because I love her and she’s worth it.
Not everyone *is* worth it, though, and perhaps this flaky coworker is an example of that.
I think that’s what you and I both meant.
preg anon
Yes, I agree. Once you’re already friends, you have to decide if the person is worth it. Most aren’t, in my opinion.
Plan B
I have a friend who has done this as well, and as someone who often does the scheduling, it is frustrating. Like you, I’ve given up trying to make plans with my friend. Maybe the next time you see her and she says “When are we getting drinks?”, not only respond as you have, but follow up with a quick email a day or two later – “Great to see you, let me know when you are free to get drinks!” It still puts the onus on her to schedule it, and maybe she will be more likely to pick a time and not cancel?
LadyE
To speak to the cultural thing, I found flakiness is much more common in SoCal than it was out east. I say you should treat her flakiness as a known issue and invite her along when you’re making plans to do lunch or happy hour people who won’t bail. You can non-respond to her guilt trips with “So sad you couldn’t make it last week. We had a blast! I’ll let you know when we do it again!”
LAnon
Ahh, this is an excellent idea! I especially like having a good response to the guilt trips. The guilt tripping is what irritates me the most, and I’ve got to find a good way to respond before I slip up one day and say “I know! I never see you either because you cancel all our plans! [glower]”
Brant
Do this. Make plans with others, invite coworker along. If she bails, you’ve still got plans. I found it the least frustrating way to keep up with flakey friends.
The Flaker
So – just to give some perspective – I think I have done this sort of thing during a few periods in my life to my friends. Both during one or two periods of moderate to serious depression and during several periods of illness. (But things that aren’t incapacitating – just exhausting and … well for lack of a better word discouraging.).
During those periods, a week out when my friends get in touch with me or when I see them or get in touch with them – I really DO want to see them. And do truly believe on that say I’ll have the energy to do it (sometimes I do) but sometimes I just don’t. Luckily I lack boundaries and am very honest with my friends so tell them why I ant be there – but if you were a private person you might not. And I’m blessed that most of my friends accommodate me and get through those times with me. Is this necessarily what’s going on – no – your friend could just be a flake. But just wanted to raise the idea in your mind that sometimes perfectly “healthy” looking and seeming people have periods where they are crippled and they don’t mean to abandon you.
LAnon
This is a good point – as a naturally introverted person, if I’m at a place in my life with ongoing stress, I need alone time to recharge and sometimes I want to see people but just. can’t. do it. It wasn’t something that crossed my mind with this particular person because she always seems peppy and outgoing… but obviously I shouldn’t be making assumptions based on outward appearances.
Much appreciated for the insight from everyone: my plan is to stay pleasant and positive, and try to include her in some group events so that I won’t be planning solely around her, but she does not get the impression that I’m ignoring her or mad at her. She’s not a close enough friend that I feel the need to put extra effort into maintaining the relationship, so thank you all for giving me some gracious ways to approach this!
SoCal anon
As a person with depression, this is my problem as well. At the time of the invite, I want to go. At the time of the event, I may be in a negative mood with little energy. My perspective is that it’s better to be absent than to arrive with a bad mood and ruin other people’s good time.
And yes, this is common in L.A.
-a semi-native Angelena
Ellen
Yes, I dislike it also. I had a girlfreind once in college who was ALWAYS to busy to return my calls and she would FLAKE on me alot after I comited to do some thing with her. One time she said she was goeing to meet me in a bar on K Street, but she never showed up and I was forced to deal with a few of her dumb male freind’s who had showed up b/c she said she was goieng to be there. Then after an hour, one of them, Xavier, grabbed me after he had WAY to many drink’s and said we should go back to his place! I said no way. I was not goieing to have sex with a guy who bought me a PINYA COLADA! FOOEY on that!
After that, I dropped my girlfreind and never went out with her again. DOUBEL FOOEY! THE LESSON I LEARNED WAS: PICK YOUR FREIND’S CARFULLY!
Need work perspective
I need some perspective on a work situation. I work at a University, in a job I moderately dislike (fundraising) with a boss who is moderately passive aggressive. It’s not terrible, but I don’t like it and am always looking for something else.
My division’s Senior VP came to me privately and asked me if I would be interested in transitioning into a new role in communications. He said that he thought I was being “under-utilized and have other strengths”. Great! He said from the beginning that this would be more of a lateral move, with only a slight salary bump of no more than $1k or $2k. There is already an woman in a similar role (who can’t possibly handle the enormous workload alone), and this new position would be teamed with her. She and I have almost identical backgrounds, education and work experience. We’re almost the same age, came to this U from other institutions; I like her, respect her work, and work well with her. All great.
And then I find out today from Sr. VP that in our new roles (responsibilities and reporting structure TBD) that she would be making 30% more than me. Even with the modest pay bump. His words to me were that I needed to be sure I was OK with that.
Now I’m supposed to A) figure out if I’m OK with that, and B) help write the allocation of job duties between the two positions. I can’t help but think that if we’re splitting up tasks she should have 30% more, right? How do I explain that when we sit down to write it out? I should mention that this salary information is out in the open – it’s not classified – and the VP also agreed that the pay discrepancy should influence the work allocation.
But I’m also left wondering: even if this job is a better fit with better co-workers/boss and a slightly better salary, how in the world is it fair to be making 30% less than my colleague? Should I hold out/stay put until I find something that’s better all the way around? I can’t quit my job – hubs and I are here for his PhD program and I’m the sole source of income and health insurance.
Anon
Can you get more information from him about why you’re making less? Are they contemplating your position as more of a part-time position? (If not, would you want it to be? One option is just to say that since you’re making 30% less and duties are to be allocated in accordance with pay, the easiest way to do it would be for you to work 30% fewer hours.) If there’s something about your background that makes Sr VP think you’re worth 30% less, you want to know that.
Diana Barry
+1. Especially since you’re being asked to help create the 2 new positions, I would push back on this. If your co-worker would be your supervisor in name, but you would have essentially the same responsibilities, I would suggest that she make something like 10% more to reflect the “supervisor” role. Has she been working there longer?
Need Work Perspective OP
OP here: Sr. VP has been very upfront with me throughout this process, and I believe him when he told me it was really a matter of the budget. My U hasn’t had raises in 5 years. There is only so much money to go around. I don’t have reason to believe there’s something about me or my work that equals less pay.
The woman already in the role has worked at the U for 2- 3 years, with just under one year in her current role. I’ve been here for about 8 months.
As much as I would LOVE it, other compensation is a highly unlikely negotiating option. Sr. VP is an old-school dude and wants everyone here 8-5 every day, no flex time, no chances for extra PTO. I asked about both of these when I originally hired in. I’m open to other ideas for compensation if you crafty lawyers have suggestions….
Cb
Would you enjoy the work? Could you negotiate additional benefits (vacation, work from home, additional courses or training) that would fall within their budget but help you feel more appropriately compensated?
If you didn’t know about the pay difference, would you have accepted the job?
Anon
Maybe the other person is already making significantly more than you and even with the pay bump it will still be 30% more. I wouldn’t expect such a big increase for a lateral move.
Need Work Perspective OP
Yes – she is already making the 30% more. I thought we were at the same pay grade when VP and I started this conversation (my title is actually higher than hers) but I was mistaken.
Hollis
In that case, I think it’s fair that she would continue to get paid her current amount (why should she get a paycut when she’s performing just fine). While you have similar backgrounds, you are essentially an entry-level person in the communications role. It’s not seniority/age that matters, but experience in the particular role that matters. Frankly, I’m kind of surprised that the VP would tell you the other person’s salary because that’s considered confidential. In any case, it sounds like you would have been excited about this job, but for the knowledge of your comparative salary. The best option for you would be to take this job, do an awesome job for a year, and then ask for a raise at that point.
Frugal doc..
Agree with everything here. Great post.
I was also very surprised the VP told you your future colleague’s salary, and think that was inappropriate.
But I would take it, design your job as you want it, work hard, and ask for a good raise in 1 year.
How could you not take it?!? It sounds perfect….
Jenna Rink
If the OP is at a public university salaries are usually public record, so it’s not inappropriate. The results are usually a year or two out of date, but if you google my name and my university my salary pops up uncomfortably close to the top of the results!
Lobbyist
It sounds like a better deal for you, and even slightly more money. I don;t think the fact that colleague is out-earning you should keep you from doing it.
Niktaw
Do you know what the other person is currently making? It may be a lateral move for her. The workplace reality is – if you start low, you lag behind more and more.
Jenna Rink
Will the two of you ultimately be classified at the same pay grade or will she be higher? I would certainly hope that she is classified at a higher pay grade if she’s making 30% more, and if not I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with that dynamic. As long as her position is classified differently I would consider this less about what she’s making vs. what you’re making, and more about whether you’re comfortable with both the salary that you are earning and the direction it will bring your career in. Look at where on the pay scale your position would fall and how that compares to what is typical at your university. Really consider whether this position is the right next move for you. One short term position isn’t a big deal, but two back to back would be enough to get you a reputation at my university. If you decide to move forward with the position I wouldn’t expect her to have 30% more work, but I would expect her to have 30% more stress.
Word of warning – make sure you are very comfortable working with this person. I was in a similar situation for two years and it was made much more frustrating because my colleague was terrible at his job. It’s one thing to be doing similar work and getting paid 30% less, it’s completely another to be doing all the work yourself while getting paid 30% less. My job started similarly to yours – I was brought in from another department to help someone with a job that was “clearly more than one person could handle.” Once I really got settled into the job it turned out that it was just too much job for that particular person. You don’t want to get into that sort of situation.
AnonBK
Sidenote to the considerations that have already been raised: ultimately, this is a decision you should make on the margin – the new position is 1) a better fit and 2) more money (even if just a little bit more). Your best alternative (currently) to this option is to stay where you are. I would take it and then renegotiate after a year.
Brant
Since it’s a university, and budgets are what they are, you should plant the salary bump NOW, before budget season. See if you can get an increase budgeted for FY 2014.
TBK
This might be too late, but in case OP is reading this, I get the budget thing and I get that this woman is already making that much money so taking it away from her isn’t fair, but I would think really, really hard about taking a job where you’re doing the same work as someone else but making 30% less. That’s a huge amount of money. If the salaries are public record, anyone who sees that will assume you’re WORTH 30% less. It’s not about the money in your pocket; it’s about where this puts you on your career trajectory and what impact it might have on your next job. As someone said above, if you start behind, you’ll likely stay behind.
anon
I agree. I actually did something very similar, and it did not work out as well as I had planned. The raise did not come through as soon as I thought it would, and that year and a half of working at significantly less (while producing work product that was of a higher quality) lead to an incredible amount of frustration on my part. This salary discrepancy will also become part of your self-perception, and you have to be prepared and very strong to work through that, so that you are in a place to continue to be confident enough to move forward when you are again ready to.
Anon for this
Law and order TJ:
There was a homicide at the house next door to me yesterday. I got home from work and my neighbor’s house was surrounded with crime scene tape–the tape was actually wrapped around one of the trees on my front law. At one point the police blocked off access to all the houses on my cul-de-sac.
All I know about what happened is what was printed in the newspaper (which is hardly anything). It turns out that the victim didn’t actually live in the house, so I don’t actually know this person. I think it was pretty much a domestic situation, so I’m not that worried about my safety. But I’m not sure…I’ve heard rumors that has been drug activity in the house. I’ve never seen or heard anything to make me think that’s the case until yesterday; it’s a pretty lily-white neighborhood.
My question is…what are the chances the police will ever come talk to us and let us know at least a little bit about what happened? I’m not really that upset, it’s just that it was a major police disturbance last night and then all of a sudden they were gone. I’m not saying I need to know all the details, but it would nice to know a bit about what’s going on.
I’m 6 months pregnant, not that it matters. Just wondering if you all have any experience, commiseration, reassurance, etc.
Anon
“My question is…what are the chances the police will ever come talk to us and let us know at least a little bit about what happened?”
Zero. They have better things to do, frankly.
AIMS
I’d say it depends. We had a burglary in our building and the police knocked on everyone’s door to both ask for information and notify people to be extra cautious.
I’d also say OP should talk to her neighbors if she wants more info.
OP
You’re probably right. I had thought we might get some info yesterday if the police came by to ask US questions, but they never did.
I’m pretty sure this was a one-time domestic dispute that doesn’t say anything about the safety of the neighborhood in general. I’m trying to not over-react but also not be naive. There are a couple of retired people on the street who were around when it happened…probably a good idea to start being more chatty with the neighbors anyway.
East Coast Anon
There was once a distubance a few doors down from me that resulted in someone being killed. Reporters were around the next day asking questions. I learned all the details from the news.
goldribbons
There was once a distubance a few doors down from me that resulted in someone being killed. Reporters were around the next day asking questions. I learned all the details from the news.
Wildkitten
+1 Even in the City, my local police department will respond to inquiries like that.
Anonymous
“But I’m not sure…I’ve heard rumors that has been drug activity in the house. I’ve never seen or heard anything to make me think that’s the case until yesterday; it’s a pretty lily-white neighborhood.”
Wait, are you saying you never would have suspected drugs before because everyone’s white?
Anonymous
Lily-white doesn’t mean white. Chill with assuming things are racist. Lily white refers to calm, suburban, no crime, “pure”, etc . . .
tesyaa
While it might not be the meaning of the OP, the expression “lily-white” refers to the skin color of the neighborhood’s residents.
A Nonny Moose
lil·y-white (ll-hwt, -wt)
adj.
1. White as a lily.
2. Beyond reproach; blameless.
3. Informal Excluding or seeking to exclude Black people.
Anonymous
People often DO use “lily white” to refer to skin color and especially all-white areas (and, in fact, it’s connected with anti-black movements).
But you’re right, the other definition was probably the meaning here.
Anonymous
Mmmmm, I don’t think that’s right. Look at the definition from Merriam-Webster (or even the definition that you get when you type in “lily white define” from google). It’s clearly a racial word.
Definition of LILY-WHITE
1
: white as a lily
2
: characterized by or favoring the exclusion of blacks especially from politics
Anon
So what? Get over yourself.
zora
Well, unfortunately…. I don’t think the OP meant it that way, I think she meant what you are saying, calm, quiet, suburban. However, the term was taken by an anti-civil rights movement within the Republican party around the turn of the 20th century, actively organizing against suffrage and to keep blacks out of politics. So, it is a very racially loaded term now, unfortunately.
I’m not blaming the OP for using it, I’m sure some people here just didn’t know. But thought I’d pass on the information for people who might want to refrain from using that term in the future.
Anon
+1 to Zora for how to handle this type of situation with grace and education and awesomeness
Nonny
+2 to Zora. I, for one, would never even have considered that term to have a racial connotation until this discussion, and would have used it without any concerns.
Silvercurls
+3 to Zora for a great response and +1 to Anon @ 4:25 p.m. for her spot-on compliment!
anon
I disagree. The phrase “lily-white,” in its informal sense, is loaded with racial implication. Check your history, there was a Lily White movement which was basically an anti-civil rights faction of the Republican Party set to agitate against gains made by African Americans on the civil rights front.
I know if can also mean “beyond reproach” or things of that nature but it def stuck out to me when I was reading the comment.
anon
oops. posted before I saw Zora’s comment. +3
OP
Bad bad bad choice of words, I’m so sorry. I meant white as in pure, clean, no history crime…that its not the place where you would expect a homicide/drug crime to happen. I’m not from a place where that phrase would have that kind of connotation, and I’m sorry to offend.
zora
I definitely thought that’s what you meant. But congrats for having the guts to respond and straight-up apologize! There are many words and idioms in the English language, we don’t all know the background of all of them. All we can do is learn, absorb the lesson and move on. ;o)
OP
Eh, I feel like should have been hip to that.
gov anon
Had a similar situation in my neighborhood a couple of years ago. I’d say the chance of someone coming to talk to you are slim to none. We were never approached. We did try reaching out to the police, but they would only tell us that they were investigating but wouldn’t provide details.
Paging TCFKAG
I can’t post on your blog, but if you still need posts, I’d love a pair of medium/dove grey ballet flats. Something I can wear to a workplace solidly on the “casual” side of business casual, and on weekends with jeans or skirts. I don’t like overly embellished shoes, and prefer a flat more than a sandal, although peep toe could be OK. The worst catch? Size 11, 11.5 or 12. <$150 for sure, preferably <$100.
Thank you!
roses
I actually have been looking for the EXACT same thing (except in a size 6.5), so I would love if TCFKAG would do this as well!
Paging TCFKAG
I’m really surprised at how hard it’s been to find a pair! Grey is such a great neutral.
AIMS
Not sure how you feel about Nine West, but I was looking for something similar myself and considered these: http://www.6pm.com/nine-west-taker-grey-leather
Susie
I’d been wary of Nine West as I’ve heard/read a lot of unfavorable reviews, but I took a chance on a pair on clearance at DSW and they are quite comfortable on my rather wide feet.
Anonymous
I love JCrew’s “Cece” suede ballet in pewter. Maybe a little cooler gray than dove, but maybe worth a look. If they aren’t on the site anymore, there’s usually lots on E bay. Mine have worn well with proper care (suede protecting spray, etc.) and are comfortable. There isn’t a lot of arch support but they don’t chafe because the leather lining is SO soft — normally everything chafes me.
help?
dating in the workplace question (reposting from an earlier thread):
last week i hooked up with someone in my office (he’s a few levels above me, but in a different department which I never work with though we often see each other at work functions). there had been some prior flirting, but last week we both got pretty inebriated and well, one thing led to another. he emailed the next morning to say that was fun and to make sure that i got home okay. we exchanged a few more emails, but i stopped responding after a few because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to happen. if i do want something to happen, 1) is there any chance he’s actually interested and 2) what should i do? if i don’t want something to happen, what should i do to avoid awkwardness? i’ve never been good at the follow up and am not really sure how the workplace dynamic affects this (especially since he’s senior to me).
roses
How would we know better than you if he’s actually interested? I think only Ellen is likely to say that having sex before you actually go on a date would mean there is *no way* he’s interested in something more than sex. Look at his emails and decide for yourself – are they merely flirtatious “let’s hook up again” emails, or did they imply that he actually wanted to spend time with you? Bear in mind that if you suddenly cut off communication, he may assume you’re the one who’s not interested.
If you don’t want something to happen, then don’t email him again and hope that he’s enough of a grownup to understand what a one night stand is. It might be a little awkward if you see him again, but you’re adults and should be able to deal.
Susie
1) hard to say – sounds more like just a hook-up but you never know. Ask him to coffee and see where things go.
2) if you’re not interested, be polite if you encounter him, but don’t seek him out or avoid him.
Middle-aged but feeling elderly
+1 to roses’ comment “Bear in mind that if you suddenly cut off communication, he may assume you’re the one who’s not interested.”
My gut reaction is that he’s probably somewhat interested. The fact that he sent you a follow-up email to confirm that you got home OK makes me think that he’s probably a caring person. (The fact that he didn’t actually _accompany_ you to your front door means…? that. post-hookup, he thinks you’re an independent woman who can take care of herself and/or would be insulted by his offer to see you home? Or he’s just trying to CYA after the fact of his not being the perfect gentleman? Who knows?)
You definitely won’t know for sure if a more complete relationship can develop unless you see him again, preferably someplace public and low-key like a coffee place, gallery, or public garden (pun not intended). Nothing wrong with s*x but it might be a relief to reconnect somewhere that doesn’t have a lady garden party vibe.
Whatever happens next between you, I trust he’s enough of an adult (or gentleman) to keep it civil in the office, especially as it sounds like hooking up was a mutual decision/development. Good luck.
Middle-aged etc...
that [comma, not period], he thinks you’re an independent woman…
(punctuation fail)
Good luck = said sincerely, not sarcastically
(tone fail)
while I’m at it, apologies for using “elderly” as a synonym for “out of touch”
(foot in mouth, plain and simple)
Anonymous infinity
Ughhh! On vacation (day two) with the family at a beach resort. Got an email from a job board about a job I’m qualified for overnight, so I went ahead and applied in the wee hours this morning while the family was asleep. Fast forward 10+hours to mid-afternoon poolside. Cell rings and I answer even though I don’t recognize the number, because it is a hometown number. Company wants to interview this week while I’m on vacation–so shocked! I thought it was the veterinarian’s office or something (where pets are boarded for a few days)–otherwise I would have let it roll to VM. Thinking I blew it because I can’t interview this week. Monday was a possibility. . . Way to kill my vacation serenity.
Wildkitten
Congratulations on the interview! Can you do it via phone from poolside?
Sydney Bristow
Were you able to schedule an email for next week? Even if it went to vm you still couldn’t have interviewed this week, so I don’t think you did anything wrong. Enjoy the rest of your vacation and good luck on the interview! If they liked you so much to call you within 12 hours of applying, I’d think they’d want to interview you a few days later than they originally hoped.
Dressing to Conceal
I have searched the archives of this site and found some helpful discussions, but I thought I would ask the question again to generate any new ideas / stories. I just found out I am pregnant. For various reasons, I will want to wait as long as possible to inform anyone at my firm. Any good blog or tumblr recs (e.g., 9to5chic has great photos, but few tips) for how to dress to conceal a pregnancy? In previous discussions here, people suggested transitioning your wardrobe now, prior to showing, so that it is not glaringly obvious when you do begin to show. That makes sense to me; hence wanting some ideas for hiding the bump and bulges-to-come well in advance. My work uniform tends to be sheath dresses with cardis or blazers, and pencil skirts, blouses, and blazers….none of which may do a good job concealing anything. Thanks in advance for any recs!
goldribbons
No blog recs, but if it’s feasible, I would recommend changing your physical appearance about 3 months into your pg. E.g., start wearing dark-rimmed glasses if you previously wore contacts, or change your hair color (though this may not be recommended during pregnancy due to chemicals/fumes, talk with your doc about that), or change your haircut. Also start wearing scarves if you can, or short chunky necklaces.
preg anon
Yes, I meant to mention scarves. Those are a huge help, especially long ones because they elongate your frame while you’re getting wider.
preg anon
Your work wardrobe sounds like mine did before I got pregnant. Unfortunately, fitted dresses are the first things to go. I wore one early on that I could still get zipped, but someone asked me if I was pregnant. And I was BARELY pregnant. More straight up-and-down dresses are your friend, though.
Blazers and cardigans are super helpful. When you’re wearing them, you can’t tell at all from the front, even when you’re very pregnant, and they also help on the sides, especially if you wear blazers unzipped. Wrap dresses are really great for this. Shirts that are short enough that you can wear them untucked but that are still a bit loose around your midsection but not flowy.
I wouldn’t start wearing empire waist tops and really flowy tops because, even though they give you more room, they make you look pregnant, especially if you don’t already dress like that. So I would try to stay with things that are still somewhat fitted or at least just skim the body.
preg anon
For example, this picture was taken when I was really pregnant, like seven months or so, but I still got comments that you couldn’t tell from the front. Now you clearly can tell from the side because my stomach is sticking out more than the jacket, but that won’t be true for you for a while.
http://workthatbump.com/black-and-white/
Two Cents
You look GREAT! And by the way, if you’re still deciding whether to buy that black shift dress from Seraphine, buy it! I bought that same dress in gray, navy, and black and they were so amazingly flattering. I wore at least one of them once a week to work, and ended up wearing the gray one to my baby shower.
ac
Had you found this? https://corporette.com/2010/04/19/open-thread-hiding-a-baby-bump/
NYC
Congrats! Wear a lot of black. Hard to figure out what is going on when everything is the same dark color. You should be fine through the summer, and then can load up on scarves and long cardigans when the fall hits and you start to pop.
The biggest thing that influences how quickly you show is how tall you are and how long waisted you are. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about those now. Also helps if this is your first baby (later to show).
Good luck!
pregomama
Agree! I’m about 5’10 and a prepreg size 8/10 on the bottom, M on top. I wore lots of heels, skirts (I’m pear shaped, so I just finally filled out the waist in some of my skirts and wore them slightly higher!), and cardis/blazers. I bought a pair of maternity black work pants and worked those in, too. I was 18 weeks (and +12 lbs) when I told work, and NOBODY knew. In fact, I’m about 6 months along now and wasn’t until I started wearing more maternity-ish dresses that you could see my bump. And even then..I still just looked chunky unless you knew how I was shaped 6 months ago.
People notice a lot less than you think they do!
OP
Thanks for the replies, ladies! I had seen the previous discussion, which was helpful. Just looking for some additional inspiration! Preg anon, your blog is great – thank you!
Margaret
Further to our conversation recently about men’s clothes: do any of you know what are the key suits to own for a versatile but conservative professional wardrobe for a guy? My husband has to wear suits every day to work. He is decidedly NOT fashion forward, and in a conservative area of legal practice. He bought his suits all at once, and they are now all wearing out at once. In short, he needs to buy four new suits. The one he will retain from his old wardrobe is a navy wool pinstripe. What should he get for his other four? We looked online, but found what seemed to us odd suggestions about how he MUST have a black suit and a bolder patterned suit, neither of which strikes as us very versatile. But maybe we are wrong? We are assuming he should get one light gray and one charcoal gray. What other colors? What aspects other than color make for a versatile and interesting wardrobe? Any insight appreciated before we hit the big Brooks Brothers sale this weekend.
Gus
Just get any suits that have navy or charcoal as the background. Can be solids, or pinstripes, or chalk stripes, or a faint windowpane. No one will really ever notice, so it doesn’t matter that much. I do not think men need a black suit. Indeed, my husband is also in a conservative area of the law, wears suits every day, owns probably a dozen suits and doesn’t have a black one. If you’re anywhere near a Hickey Freeman outlet, I HIGHLY recommend that you shop there first before Brooks Brothers. The quality is much, much better than BB.
NYC
Same deal here, conservative dressed lawyer hubby. He has a navy plain, navy pinstripe, charcoal plain, charcoal pinstripe, and a kind of brownish suit that is not as frumpy as it sounds. He also has a lighter colored suit that we basically on wears to summer weddings or going out on the town (it’s sort of flashy/fashiony). He does not think men should wear black suits (tuxedo excepted, of course). He might have more than one blue pinstripe, now that I think about it.
Men's fashion
Agree. My boyfriend is very well-dressed in a classic style (works in marketing where appearances are everything!) and wears a suit every day. He’s figured out what looks good with his colouring and now wears basically different shades of grey (navy for more formal occasions). He never wears black unless he’s going to a funeral.