Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Treeca Slim-Fit Pant

376 Comments

1. Most definitely too short on the model. When the bottom of the pants is closing in on the bottom of your calf muscle, you’re firmly in Capri Pant Territory. Maybe they’d be great ankle pants for petite ladies though? Too bad Theory’s website doesn’t list the inseam…

   1. Yeah, capri pants just scream ugly and outdated. Definitely not office appropriate.

   2. +1, these are not ankle pants on the model. Too short!

   3. Too short, and what is the point of ankle pants in winter? The wool/flannel fabrication does not make this better.

      1. It’s not winter for all of us!

         1. But wool flannel is a winter fabric, so it not a fabric most are likely to wear in the summer.

   4. This is me trying to wear ankle pants. I’m 5’11”

      1. You are very lucky! Most of us would LOVE to be tall like you!

   5. The way the pockets lay also bothers me. The pants don’t fit her well.

      1. Ha! This is the pants with that style of pocket always fit me!! :(

   6. As a vertically-challenged reader, I LOVE these pants and own several of them. They are “ankle-length” on me (5’3”) and *bonus* – NO TAILORING REQUIRED!!!!

2. A ‘retro mentioned Rocketbook here not long ago, and it really seems to solve my note taking needs. However, do any lawyers on here use cloud based notebooks like this, and if so, are there any concerns about confidentiality or privilege? Their privacy policy seems pretty straightforward, and as far as capturing notes through the app, their servers don’t store them. For the OCR conversion to searchable text, which is very useful for me, Rocketbook states their server has to store that to work, but it’s kept private and secure, much as I expect a cloud storage might, though I’m not sure. What do you think?

   1. A “‘rette’” not retro, sigh.

   2. If you’re at a law firm, ask your IT team if this is an approved app/service. It’s only as secure as the app provider’s cloud is secure, and it may be in conflict with your firm’s IT security policy. Having said that, my firm has used workflow software like Slack (I didn’t use it personally but other teams did) and I think it’s inevitable that some client info is included in that. Also we use Skype for Business to chat internally. I always try to be mindful of not including client or counterparties’ names in these services (so for example, I will use ‘company’ and ‘buyer’ but I am also in a fairly sensitive M&A environment). However, I would be hesitant to use an app/service that wasn’t pre-cleared by my firm for any client info.

      1. Agree to ask your IT team – my firm’s security policy prohibits storage on any cloud; basically anything other than our server.

         1. Thanks for the advice. I work at a start up, and we don’t have an IT team. We do use cloud based storage and apps, which to my mind are similar.

   3. Every company claims to be secure, until they’re not. There’s really no way to know how good their security is. For my corporate job I would never store work info on a non-work system, it’s too risky and violates policy anyway, but I know smaller companies especially are more relaxed.

      1. Yeah, we have to use various external server based apps especially when collaborating with other parties. It’s definitely more flexible by necessity than my previous jobs where there were more internal resources.

   4. Not directly related, but I have bought a few rocketbooks. You really want the “wave” version, which is real paper. The other versions, which can be erased with water, are horribly smudgy. And any moisture at all will entirely erase everything (ask me how I know…). I do love my wave book though!!

      1. Ooo good tip, thanks!

3. Reposting from last night as I posted too late.

   TLDR: what does the process look like when you are working and approached by a recruiter and want to know more but are not actively looking? What to ask/say/watch out for in the first conversation, how to vet if they are serious, what are the next converstaions and steps?

   I am happy with my current job (employed by a consulting company in a technical field) but also, I am beginning to receive linked -in inmail from recruiters (both in-house and industry recruiters) that is a lot more targeted to what I do, and would like to talk with some of them to see what else is out there, what I might be missing, what ny current worth might be in the market, etc. I am not actively looking, but I would not waste their time either – I would consider moving if the offer is interesting enough. How does one do this? I am indeed that clueless. I have always landed my jobs through very few applications and interviews and have never had to look while working (between my job changes there was always a country change, a career change with a detour to school, starting my own company, etc.) I was always replying to an ad, or someone had referred me. I ignore mass or clearly irrelevant inmail but as I said, they seem to be getting more targeted and mentioning specific relevant points in my profile (but stay vague about the opportunity).

   So how does one do this if you are currently working, not desperate to change jobs, are approached and are curious to find out more? How do you vet if they are serious? What questions is it OK to ask about position, name of the company they are recruiting for, compensation range etc.? Is it OK to ask for more details about the position first or do you normally answer their questions about you first, and how much do you tell them in the first conversation? What time do you talk to them if you are very busy at work and most of the time in a public space? I guess I am just asking how the process ususally goes when a recruiter contacts you, how does the conversation usually go and what I should be expecting or watching out for or saying. While being respectful of their time but at the same time watching for my own interest, if that makes sense. Advice and input from people who have been there would be deeply appreciated!

   1. I usually have said, you know I’m not actively looking, but am always interested in hearing about an interesting opportunity, as even if its not a right fit for me, I know a lot of people in this field it may be a fit for. Then let them sell you on it. Recruiters cold calling on you is a different dynamic, and they are usually prepared to sell you on a position and why you should want it, what it pays, what the role is like, etc. If they aren’t, then you politely end it and move on. You hold the power in those situations.

   2. So this happened to me twice and both times I did what I thought was the decent thing and told the recruiter that I am not actively looking but open to discuss. Both times the recruiters disappeared after a vague attempt to set up a meeting. My husband who is ace at this stuff told me that he always says he’s interested and definitely meets the recruiter. In general his policy is that he will discuss his current role at a high level and will only get into details (answer interview type questions) or share his CV once he has been told the name of the company hiring, the exact designation and has seen the JD. I’ve seen this work for him so I plan to try this the next time. He’s gone as far as negotiating the salary, getting the co to agree to his requested figure and still declining the role. And he’s still in touch with the recruiter from this interaction.

   3. You’re way overthinking this. You just talk to them. Yeah. Answer their questions. Ask them questions. “Not really looking but always interested in hearing what’s out there” is a very normal thing to say.

   4. I’m in law so the experience may be different, but here is the approach I took when I was in your position with industry recruiters:
      – Set expectations – told them I’m not desperate to leave but would be interested for the right fit / comp / position, and am interested in knowing more about the market.
      – Let them ask questions about my experience first so they could think about what would be a good fit.
      – Asked them general questions about the market – recruiters in law might come to you with a specific position, but they’re really trying to represent you in a general search so they should want to make sure you have the right market timing / are focusing on the right positions. I’m not sure if this is the way “industry recruiters” work in your industry.
      – Asked them specific questions about the position they brought to me (no matter if I was interested in it specifically or not). A good recruiter should be able to answer questions about the company, the position (are they replacing someone or hiring for a new position, what is the focus of the day to day), the person who would be your new boss, the culture at the company, and potentially your coworkers. I wanted to ask these questions to vet the recruiter to use them for a general search. Some recruiters knew a LOT about all of these topics and some knew only what was written down in the position. Again this may be different if recruiting is different in your industry.

      Even if recruiters are coming to you with one-off positions and it only makes sense to ask them about those positions to potentially apply, it may still be a good use of your time to talk to them and figure out what you might look for and what the options would be on your own. In terms of logistics they should understand sensitivities around an open office – could you go for a walk to take the call or take it from your car? They should also be flexible about how much time they take from you.

      1. Co-sign all of this.

         1. +1

   5. Say sure, you’re interested in learning more about the role and ask questions. If you decide you’re not interested say so, and if you are interested say so. That’s pretty much it.

      1. Be careful what you say and do. I met a recruiter after work for drinks. Afterward we had dinner and I stopped in his place. One thing led to another and after gardening, the next morning, I went directly to work looking like a mess. My boss figured it out quickly and I never got a call from that recruiter.

         1. Oooh, 2/10, this was a sorry attempt.

         2. This is unethical for a recruiter to lead you on like this. FOOEY on him for doing this to you and then not calling you back.

   6. I say, “I’m not actively looking but would be interested in learning more about the position. I have 15 minutes (dates/times).”

      I ask headhunters the role, the comp/structure (sometimes at my level comp is loose- but is this majority salary? Majority equity?), company funding (I’m in tech, so lots of companies in financial…flux), any critical details up front. It’s a total no-go if they won’t disclose. One sounded great until after 2 min it was clear it was for a role at my husband’s company and would be a direct peer (he’s head of sales, this would be head of operations). Ha! Another was an SVP level role wanting to pay 60% of my current VP level salary with shitty benefits at a really boring company.

   7. My field is heavy on freelancers/contractors, so when I’m “not looking but open” and I receive a request, I clarify my breaking points: job must be in X metro area, must have benefits, etc. I ask the recruiter to confirm if the position meets those requirements, and to provide more info if it’s a match.

   8. Thank you all, these are really useful perspectives!

4. We are finishing the walk-out basement in our house into a big media room (among other things). We are trying to figure out how to use the former family/TV room, which is an awkward 12×20 room on the side of the house (almost like a finished sun porch size/function, but was an original interior room). It runs front-to-back and is adjacent to our kitchen and dining room. We have a more formal living room (piano, couches, etc). Our kids are young (3 under 6) so in the short term it will be an upstairs playroom which may or may not have a TV. But do we need a “main floor” tv for adults? A story space? We have a craft/hobby room going into the basement. The space only fits a couch and maybe a chair given the layout- definately not a big tv/movie watching/snack having space.

   It’s only important to decide/plan now in case we need to do any structural changes since we’ll have a wall opened up anyway.

   1. I vote playroom until they are all school age and then a study/homework room with a desk and bookcase for each kid. We have our playroom off the kitchen and I love it because the reality is most of the time I get with my kids is between 6-8pm at night so I want them playing close by so I can interact with them while cooking/cleaning up. Planing to switch it to a homework/study room when they are older because I don’t like the idea of desks/study space in bedrooms. I try to keep bedrooms for sleep only.

      1. +1

   2. I’d have it be a playroom now and become a game room/TV room as the kids get older. My kids are 10, 10, and 5, and I really appreciate having a separate space/TV where they can play video games, watch kids’ shows, etc. It still doubles as a play room/game room (like, physical board games) as well, but as they age the toys will go and we will be left with a game/TV room.

   3. As the kids get older, it may also be a good space for computer use/homework. Close enough that you can keep an eye on what they are doing, but enough physical separation that they can still get some quiet space to work.

      1. cosign

         Have kids now in 4th and 3rd grade and having a dining room off the kitchen has been invaluable as it was our lego table and currently our homework space. Workspace by kitchen will be useful to you for the next maybe 15 years.

      2. I agree. Our big white glass-topped Rand table from Room and Board is a treasure. It lives in a dining room off the kitchen and adjacent to our main living area. We eat on it, and my daughter does almost all her heavy duty studying and projects on it. (side info: It’s going on ten years old and still looks great after a move across the country). We do not have enough space for a dedicated study area on that floor, but the room you describe sounds perfect for that.

   4. Do you have a home office? I like all work things in their own area if possible, and awkward spaces tend to be good for that.

   5. Thanks, you’re confirming what we thought- playroom now, homework/computer room later.

      We have a home office as well, and this space wouldn’t work- it’s part pass-thru to the garage so it’s pretty open. Way more so than I’d want to be in my office!

      1. If it’s large enough to do so, you may include a smaller TV area, even now–or at least wiring for it. Seems like it would get a good bit of light-TV-watching use on sick days, weekend mornings, and the like. I didn’t grow up watching much TV (no cable) but I nonetheless would appreciate having somewhere to have the Thanksgiving parade on or keep an eye on a game score. Something along those lines. It’s all about your lifestyle, though, so that may not apply to your family.

         1. Exactly, but the issue is that while it is adjacent to the kitchen, it’s a doorway- so no real open sight lines into the room. Might be able to get creative so you can see the TV/ score from the kitchen though.

            1. Your second sentence is exactly what I had in mind, though I know it can be difficult. In my current home, I can’t see the TV from the kitchen but I’ve been surprised that just being able to hear the TV is often enough of the ambiance* I’m looking for on those days. (*Ha! TV sounds qualify as ambiance?! :))

      2. Ooh! If it’s on the way to the garage, you could make part of it an amazing mudroom/drop zone. My kids are 8 & 11, and I long for a place to store sports equipment, backpacks, etc.

         1. Already have the mudroom. I should say it’s betwren the kitchen and the garage/mudroom. So it would all sense as a school/workzone as it will be the next stop after the mudroom coming in from the garage. It also has an exterior door.

      3. Wow, you have a huge house.

5. Sometime in 2017, a fellow reader posted a link or mentioned a company for pearl jewelry – not the usual (mikimoto, etc) – I recall the designs were more contemporary and multi-colored, high quality. Despite searching through the archives and googling, I can’t seem to find it. Anyone have any ideas?

   1. Try Kojima pearl I have many pieces from them (actually her, Sarah, it’s a small woman-owned business) and I love them all.

      1. https://kojimapearl.com/

      2. Oh boy I wish I hadn’t looked there this morning – look at these beautiful earrings

         https://kojimapearl.com/products/spring-wind-south-sea-drop-earrings

         I find her prices really reasonable.

   2. I really like pearl paradise.

      1. +1 to Hisano and Pearl Paradise.

         1. I like Hisano’s Little H line (but wow! Pricey!) but I don’t think of pearl paradise as having contemporary not-the-usual pearl designs. In fact, they specialize in the usual pearls. Not that there’s anything wrong with regular pearl strands, I love those too, but OP was looking for something out of the ordinary.

   3. It was probably kojima, though Majorica also has some more contemporary fresh water pearl styles.

      1. I thought Majorica dealt in imitation pearls? A boyfriend in college gave me a “genuine Majorica pearl” bracelet which was definitely imitation pearls. Good imitation but imitation for sure.

         1. Sorry, you are correct. They are imitation. But good imitation, and if anyone happens to be vegan, a solution to oyster-created pearls.

   4. Love pearls? Check out the Passage des Perles. The blogger has fantastic suggestions for pearl jewelry and the non-fashion posts are also excellent. I believe it was someone on here that put me on to this blog some years ago, and now I’m passing along the suggestion.

6. Does anyone have hopeful stories about marrying at an “older” age? I’m almost 34, which may seem young still, but compared to my peers I’m way behind. All my friends are married and having babies, and maybe it’s a side effect of being around all these babies and hormones but I feel my clock ticking. The thing is, I have dated and dated and dated and nothing has stuck. I’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, I’ve done all the online sites and apps, and I’m left feeling discouraged and exhausted. Maybe I need therapy, I don’t know.

   1. I’d say about 25% of the couples I know married for the first time between ages 35-40. Post age 30 I find more people know what they want when they do meet the right person (vs like at age 25), so things can move from dating to wedding to kids within 2 years. At least in my friend group, couples that married younger (even ealy 30s) tended to be married 3-4 years before trying to kids whereas the ‘older’ couples started trying right around/after the wedding. Not uncommon for first kid at like 36 and 2nd kid at like 38/39.

   2. I’m in your boat. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it really helped me to take a break, invest in myself, and let go of marriage/children being a “goal” in my life. Being stressed and anxious about meeting a goal is how you get A’s in school, it’s not how you find love. I hate the trope of – you’ll find love when you’re not looking – that’s not what I’m saying and it definitely hasn’t happened for me. But I think a short break to recalibrate might be helpful, then get back into dating when you can approach it as a fun thing you WANT to do and not a horrible slog that you have to suffer through to meet a goal. Fwiw I’m single (just broke up with a guy I thought would be The One but turned into a loser after ~6 months) but I’m much happier with my life.

      1. That’s exactly how I feel about it – a horrible slog to meet a goal. Which is not healthy or productive, and before I even meet a guy for a first date I’m thinking “What’s the point?” because chances are it won’t work out. The thing is, I really enjoy being single most of the time, but I don’t want to totally miss the boat on love and having a family.

         1. Can you reframe dating as a thing to do for fun rather than in pursuit of a goal? Like, getting out and meeting different and interesting people, having a drink, being social, making connections?

         2. I often found myself with the same mindset while dating, OP. One thing I tried to do to counteract this was to plan dates doing something I wanted to do – trying a new coffee shop I wanted to check out, going to a museum exhibit I wanted to see, or going to a restaurant I know I like. That way, even if the date is a dud, I’ve still gotten to do something I wanted to do. I can’t say this has totally work but I think it’s helped.

            1. +1

               Dating is more fun if you’re doing something that you wanted to do anyway. Even if the guy is dud, you still got to do fun activity.

            2. That’s a good way to look at it, thanks!

            3. +1

               I also think of it as “practice”. Worst case scenario – if the date is terrible, I get a good story out of it.

      2. Genuine question – what does it mean to take a break and invest in yourself. Like, if you really want to get married and have kids and feel the clock ticking, what do you do with this time?

         1. Yup. Also, I have invested in myself! I have a great life. I have a wonderful family, excellent friends, a job I enjoy, fulfilling hobbie, a faith community. I just also would like a husband.

         2. I’m the person your responding to. I think it can probably mean different things for different people. For me, I deleted my dating apps. I was going on 3-5 dates a week, which is exhausting and time consuming. Instead, I spent that time hanging out with friends, trying new workout classes, and trying my hand at different creative hobbies. I still met some nice men during this time, just not on apps or through activities specifically designed to meet men. It helped me to take the pressure off. When I went back to apps, I was able to approach them with more positive outlook.

            1. ack *you’re responding to – guess I should stop dinging guys for getting that wrong.

            2. Thanks, this is helpful. Sometimes I just feel like I’ve run out of things to do. I’ve tried the workout classes, I can’t think of any new creative activities to try, and going out to eat with friends isn’t as fun as it used to be when we were all in the same life stage. I’m not sure there is an answer, it just stinks sometimes.

   3. My SIL met her now-husband on E-harmony when she was 38. She tried online dating briefly, hated it, then a friend convinced her to give it another go. She met her husband shortly thereafter. They have been happily married for several years, and they have two precious children (the youngest she had when she was 42).

      My aunt got married when she was 41. She met her husband through her church community, and they have a very happy marriage, even though my aunt has been battling stage 4 cancer for two years.

      Don’t give up!

   4. Meghan Markle was divorced at 34.

      Savannah Guthrie was single.

      1. Ha, I tell myself that all the time – Meghan Markle became a duchess at 36!

      2. This is one of my favorite famous-person stories about starting a family later:

         https://www.glamour.com/story/sara-haines-on-marriage-at-37-and-baby-number-two-at-40

      3. This is good to hear b/c I often think I could have been like Savannah Guthrie when she was the Washington DC legal correspondant for NBC news. I lived in DC and I have a law degree, so if I had stayed, who knows? I also hope I get married to a nice guy like she did. He is not a Brad Pit, but I am sure he will NEVER cheat on her! That is what I want. There IS hope for the rest of us!

   5. I have several friends and family members who met future spouses around ages 34-38 and married within a year or two of that (or less!), compared to folks who met their spouses earlier. The relationships moved quickly because all parties 1) knew what they wanted and 2) recognized when they’d found a good person. All these couples seem happy and well-matched, from what I can tell from the outside.

      1. Cosign. My husband and I met on Tinder at 39 and 35, respectively, got engaged after 10 months, and married 6 months later.

         A late 30s guy I had met online and became friends with (we didn’t have the spark, but liked each other as friends) who was in his late 30s met a woman on an app and got engaged after 5 months.

   6. My BFF just married her awesome husband last year at 37. Met him on JDate. I’ve known her since we were 18 and literally she never dated anyone that I saw as a real match for her. Then she met her husband, they were engaged within a few months, and they just celebrated their first anniversary. He is fantastic and I couldn’t think of a better partner for my friend.

   7. I met my husband (eharmony) at 35, married at 36, and had a kid at 38.
      It’s true that you can’t make it happen, although of course you can “put yourself out there” to a certain extent.

   8. I met my husband at 40 and most of my friends met theirs in their mid/late 30s and 40s. One of the upshots is things tended to move faster – fewer let’s date forever to see if this works type relationships, and when it worked, lots of marriages/kids within a fast time frame.

   9. I don’t know if this is helpful for you or not, but I was you this time last year — about to turn 34, had attended many, many friends’ weddings in the past 12 months,and my newly married friends were busy calculating how soon they could get pregnant so they could be done having kids by 35. I was feeling pretty hopeless. Now, I am about to turn 35 and in a happy relationship with a wonderful guy I started dating this fall (thanks, Match.com). I don’t know what the future holds, but neither do you! Things can change quickly.

      1. Oh I’m glad to hear that!!

         1. :)

            1. I’m happy for you, January!

      2. Also, since you mentioned it, trying therapy won’t hurt. You might go to a therapist who tells you there’s nothing at all you need to work on, and you’re done with therapy, or you might find that you’re holding yourself back in some way that isn’t obvious to you right now.

   10. I met my husband when I was about 40, and we lived together within a year and got married about five years later. We ended up living together a little fast because he was living in NYC and at the twin towers on 9/11, and it was the right move at the time. It took us awhile to get married, but no real reason, we were both deeply committed to our relationship.

       We met via an online site, and at the time, I viewed dating as an objective. I had a good job, had finished grad school, and knew I wanted someone in my life. My requirements were really that the person was intelligent, that I found them attractive, and that they had a job (but, post 9/11, my husband did not, so…). For me, because I treated dating as an objective, I was quite pragmatic about it and was pretty quick to move on if I didn’t feel it. My husband actually hadn’t dated much, was the nice guy that was always in the friend zone, and was on the site because he had just relocated to NYC and didn’t know anyone. So, there was some degree of serendipity.

       Honestly, and maybe this won’t work for you, but I never thought of it as my being behind, or my age or that my friends were in other places. I thought of it as that I wanted a partner, and I was more or less interviewing people for the role. It doesn’t sound romantic, but it was fine.

   11. My sister got married at 36, had her first kid at 38 and second at 42. She’s incredibly happy and while she is an older mom, she always says that her kids keep her young! Best of luck.

   12. I’m engaged at 41 to a guy I met on Eharmony 2 years ago. At that point, I was about to close my EH account and take a long break from dating and resign myself to try to find happiness for the rest of my life without a romantic partner. Honestly, I think it’s just a combination of luck and being at a place mentally/emotionally where you’re ready for a long term commitment and ready to make the compromises the relationship requires. I felt exactly the same way you did during my late 20s and early 30s and really struggled for a long time with the frustrations and suckiness of dating. I happened to stumble across a guy who I connected with on all the important points and who was also willing to put in the effort to make our relationship work. Most relationships have issues and it seems like it’s a matter of finding the right partner who will work with you to resolve those issues and who is worth that effort.

   13. In my observation, the older you get, the more decisive and confident you get as well. Dating when you’re older may seem more difficult/hopeless, when in fact you’re just clearing the chaff out of the way more efficiently instead of spending months or years in a dead-end relationship. That’s a good thing!

   14. Everyone is giving you great thoughts on strategies for coping with dating burnout. I wanted to mention your your feeling that “compared to my peers I’m way behind.” Is just a matter of who your friends happen to be or is this because of the geographical area you live in or? I ask because I live in a large city, am in my late 30s, married without kids, and almost none of my friends has had kids before their mid 30s. About a third of my friends are single, the rest are with someone but may or may not be married, and maybe 25% of my friends have kids. My point being that your perception of being “way behind” your peers is just a matter of who your particular friends are.

       From that perspective, it might be helpful to find some more friends who are single. Or if you live somewhere where there is no one single in their early 30s, then you could potentially consider moving to somewhere where you’d feel more “normal.” So if you’re in the suburbs of a city, maybe consider trying moving into the city for a year to test it out. I actually know a couple people who made pretty big moves for work reasons and found that it made a big difference in dating. Different places do attract different types of people and dating in some areas can be a lot harder than others.

       1. Cosign. I went to a privileged high school in San Francisco and only one of my classmates had a baby before 30. People are just now starting to get married (35-36). In my current HCOL city, I was the first of my local friends to have a baby (at 34) and a few are childless by choice (some married/LTR, some not) – probably a much higher proportion than general population.

   15. My perpetually single friend met her husband online at 42, married a year later, first kid at 44, expecting second kid at 45!

   16. I met my husband at 38, married at 41, kiddo born when I was 44. We’ll celebrate our 10th anniversary this year!

       Before that, I was perpetually single, everyone’s auntie. I did some great international traveling and racked up the graduate degrees (to the extent that a ‘helpful’ male friend told me I’d never get married b/c the guys would be scared of someone smarter than them… fortunately, I found the one who wasn’t!).

       After several disappointing relationships, I did start seeing a therapist in my late 30s to figure out how I might be sabotaging myself and why I kept picking unavailable guys (seriously: gay, barely divorced, living halfway around the world, wildly inappropriate in terms of age… it hit them all). I definitely credit the therapist with helping me get more clear on what I wanted so that I could be open to the opportunity that presented itself.

       Someone up thread mentioned compromise, and I think that’s important too. Not in terms of “settling,” but in terms of recognizing that your ideal partner might not be dark-and-dashing or blonde-and-beachy, or whatever your usual type is. Neither my husband nor I is each other’s ideal type. He wishes I was a better skier, I wish he were a better rock climber and outdoorsperson. Fifteen years ago, I would have told you that those were nonnegotiable requirements for a partner, but turns out the nonnegotiable have much more to do with kindness,generosity, shared values, and intellect that can keep up.

7. I’m looking for a bit of social etiquette guidance from you lovely ladies. Please be kind, this is my real life.

   I was married in Dec 2011 (at age 21, to high school sweetheart), fully separated/living apart in November 2016, divorced in March 2018 following a mandatory year waiting period and the normal workings of court. The split was amicable, my ex and I remain amicable/in communication, and there are no children.

   Current boyfriend and I met during/immediately after the separation by happen chance (so around November 2016). We had a very similar group of friends, were in the same law school class, but somehow had never been on each other’s radar. We started dating (so many sparks), moved in together April 2017, and remain happily together now.

   We’ve gotten to the point where we have told the other person that we want to grow old with them. The idea of marriage (at some point) has been floated – he wants to get married, mainly for symbolic/society-affirming reasons. I do too. I want to celebrate with friends and family, all of whom are overwhelmingly supportive of the relationship. However, when it comes to figuring out the “when” of this hypothetical marriage, I’m less certain.

   With that novel of a background, my question: when would it not be “too soon” to remarry after divorce? I don’t want snickers behind my back, comments about this being a rebound, etc, if I can avoid it by waiting the “appropriate” amount of time. I’m in no rush. I’ve googled (yes….) but can’t figure out what society has decided on this subject.

   I know I shouldn’t care what other people might think (especially since people are so supportive to my face), but obviously I do.

   If these factors matter: we are both atheists, intend to be child-free, and live in Ontario which doesn’t give much legal benefit/protection to married versus common law relationships. Our friends and relations are also largely of the same demographic (minus child-free).

   1. I have known more than one woman who has gone from newly divorced to remarried within 2 years (and in 2 of the cases, having their first child within another year-ish of the second wedding). You’re not alone! There might have been a few comments behind the scenes (mostly a “huh good for her, can’t believe she found such an awesome guy that fast!”) but nothing so horribly judgmental that you need to worry about it.

   2. Question. Are you sure that concern about what others think is the only thing holding you back? You may simply not feel ready to remarry, or even set a date to do so, and that would be perfectly understandable. It doesn’t sound like there’d be much harm in leaving things as-is until you do feel comfortable, unless your SO objects to that.

      1. +1 These were my thoughts while reading your post. It sounds like you may be more comfortable waiting a bit, even if you know he’s the one. The downside to waiting seems minimal (or nil) and it could provide you some comfort to wait. Only you really know, though.

      2. This thought has crossed my mind – it might be that I’m not ready to think about when to remarry. I think I need to sit with that some more and figure out whether I’m being internally or externally motivated at this point.

         It’s definitely not boyfriend pressuring me to figure out a timeline – I initiated a conversation about this topic recently because boyfriend studiously **hadn’t** mentioned the “m” word and I wanted to feel out what “commitment” meant to him and whether marriage was part of that.

         This led to him revealing that yes he has considered the prospect and wants to marry me, but that he has actively avoided discussing the “marriage” part of commitment because he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable, wants me to set the pace, etc.

         1. It sounds like you guys have a good and healthy relationship. It’s absolutely fair for you to want to sit with this for longer before you decide to marry again. Frankly, I had a friend who was 6 months out from her wedding and realized she wasn’t ready to get married yet – she postponed her wedding a year, married the guy, and is still happily married 15 years later. It’s a big decision whether it’s the first or second time, and that decision isn’t always about your feelings for the other person.

   3. Get married when you want. F9ck society. RAWR.

   4. Canadian lawyer here. I disagree that Canadian law doesn’t give better protections to married vs. common law couples. You can contract into them if you chose common law but it’s not accurate to say there are no or few substantive distinctions.

      On the social etiquette piece, you’re fine. You’ll be over a year since your divorce if you get married in a couple months. That’s a totally reasonable period. Don’t think most people are judgy about timelines about this unless it’s known that the 2nd marriage is a result of an affair during the 1st marriage which broke up the marriage, and even then it’s not the timeline but the unfaithfulness that people are judging.

      1. +1

      2. Yep, this varies by Province but it’s a common misconception in Canada that “marriage doesn’t matter legally”. It really does and I am constantly surprisingly otherwise knowledgeable people who don’t know about this, probably because the tax impact is fairly non-existent, which is the thing most people would notice the most.

   5. It sounds like you’ve coped with your divorce well and you’re in a healthy place so why not get married? Don’t let hypothetical opinions from other people hold you back, unless you’re not truly ready to get married.

   6. I married my college boyfriend at age 21, divorced at age 32. Met and started An interesting guy only 4 months after my ex husband moved out (and we were still legally married, but very firmly separated.) I married that guy after dating him for 18 months. Yes, people talked. But we have now been together for 20 years, married 19, and have two teenagers. People got over it.

      You just have to do what works for you, and not give a fig about what people think.

   7. It’s been over 2 years since you were separated and almost a year since the divorce was official. You’re more than fine.

      1. I agree. Two years is fine, so you can get hitched anytime now. :) Most people will simply think you married “too young” the first time.

         1. Thanks for this comment.

            While I personally don’t think I got married “too young” (even knowing the outcome now), being aware of this line of thinking has made me very attuned to the ways society supports and criticizes the circumstances of particular marriages. I know there were instances, especially when first married, when I downplayed/avoided mentioning my married status in social situations for fear of judgement. I don’t want to ever feel that impulse again.

      2. I agree. I remarried 2 years after my divorce became final, 3-1/2 years after I moved out, and although it seemed head-spinningly fast to me, nobody else (and I mean NOBODY else) even batted an eye.

   8. Two year is plenty of time.

      A friend of mine got married really young and had a couple of kid really young. She and her husband had a big blowout vow renewal for a milestone anniversary, and within two years from that, she was divorced, remarried, and pregnant– and her two older kids were in middle and high school. There was some social fallout during the whole situation, but it has all smoothed over and she’s super happy, everyone is happy for her, and her baby is adorable. The new guy is such a better match for her.

      All that to say, it doesn’t matter what people think, but if you care so much about what people think, you can recover in “popular opinion” from even a very dramatic situation if my friend’s story is any indication (and your situation is way less dramatic than hers) — people take cues from you, and if you’re happy, people who care about you will be happy for you. Also, it’s so so common to see someone who got married really young the first time make a quicker and better decision the second time.

   9. Get married whenever you both want to and don’t factor in what other people have to say about it. You get one life, yours. If you bring the world into decisionmaking that only impacts you and your spouse, that’s setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

   10. Get married whenever you want. There is no rule. I’d suggest if you’re this worried about sniggers you focus on self-confidence for a while first.

       1. I hear what you’re saying, but to the extent that a marriage is entered into for squishy “because I want to” and “because society recognizes marriage as different” reasons, rather than religious or legal reasons, isn’t it reasonable to want to ensure that society (friends/family) won’t think ill of my timing?

          1. No, it’s not reasonable. There’s something that’s troubling you about all this that’s just not apparent to those of us commenting. There is no need to have solid, socially-acceptable reasons and timing for marriage before you can justify it. “Because I want to” is the reasons lots (most?) of people get married.

             Who, specifically, are these people you’re so concerned about, who will be making negative comments behind your back? Can you name them? (e.g., mom, Harriet, Doug, Kayden, my two coworkers, and Emma.) If you can name them, how realistic is it that these people really do think this way and that you need to take their views on the timing into account? If you can’t name them, but you have a generalized fear that someone, somewhere may disapprove or look at you sideways…where is that fear coming from? I’m not a fan of divorce and I’m very religiously conservative, so I would seem like the kind of person you might be concerned about. But seriously, I wouldn’t give the timing of your remarriage a second thought. (OK, I guess I would if it came a month after your divorce — that would set off some red flags about whether you’re thinking clearly. But a) that’s not the case with you and b) unless you’re a dear friend it’s none of my business.)

          2. OP, do you think any of your friends need to run their marital plans by you for your approval before they make them? Or think through whether or not you’ll judge them behind their backs and base their marital timing decisions off of that?

             I’m guessing you’ll say “no, that’s absurd!” BECAUSE ITS ABSURD.

             This is why everyone is telling you one thing and we’re all confused by how resistant you are to accepting it.

   11. My ex-H happened to meet his now-wife while we were going through the (very quick in our state – just 3 months) divorce process (she was a new coworker – he wasn’t out there looking). They got engaged within the year and married by 18 months. There were some raised eyebrows in our circle, but to echo someone above, if you’re happy, your friends are happy for you.

       I remarried 3 years after my divorce to a man who had been divorced for 2 years.

   12. A dear friend met her now-husband while she was separated. They were married a year after her divorce was final. I made a comment to her like, wow, that’s fast! And she said “I spent far too long in a bad marriage. I can’t wait to start the rest of my life with this person.” She was 100% right, of course. She is so happy now and I can’t believe I didn’t think about it that way.

       You do you, but if you are excited and eager for your next marriage, true friends will be ecstatic for you!

       1. This is completely true. My friends who knew my horrible ex were all so so happy to see me marrying my wonderful new husband.

   13. I really wouldn’t worry about “too soon”. I’m the same age as you and know several people who got divorced and remarried within about a year. However I don’t know what happened in their relationship behind closed doors and assume the 1st marriage was “over” long before it was over. For my husband and I, when we decided we were ready to get married, we waited a year+ before planning anything or telling anyone to be certain we weren’t rushing and/or being influenced by all of our peers getting married. It sounds like you know what you’re doing.

   14. My ex proposed to his GF three days after our divorce was final. You do you.

   15. I really think too soon is only before the divorce is final. Any time after that is fine.

8. Suits – I have several 3-to-5-year-old pantsuits that I am planning on donating, UNLESS any r e t t e s would like them (for cost of shipping)? They are all a size 8, I have J Crew black, Theory black, Theory grey (this also has a skirt), and J Crew grey. I can send pictures if you email (below).

   Please let me know – email at diana barry r e t t e at g m a i l (no spaces).

9. I love Thai green curry and would like to make it at home, so I can have it more often. Does anyone have a good quick recipe (or even better, a recommendation for a great jarred or pre-made/shortcut version)? TIA!

   1. I use whatever brand is at my grocery store, but I add fresh grated garlic, ginger, and minced scallions. Saute in a pan (I use coconut or peanut oil) for a few minutes until fragrant, then add your coconut milk, etc. Be sure to add the coconut milk fat that collects at the top of the can before you add the remaining liquid. Doing so gives you richer flavor. Adding the fresh spices to the pre-made curry paste is a life hack that I learned from my favorite blogger.

   2. Sauté what you want in your curry. Start the rice at the same time. When your veg and meat are cooked, add half a little jar of green curry paste (I like the stuff at the regular grocery store, I think the brand is something like Thai), one can of coconut milk (full fat or lite) and let it simmer a few minutes or until it comes together. You can drop in a branch of basil or cilantro during the last simmer.

      Easy!

      1. https://thrivemarket.com/p/thai-kitchen-green-curry-paste

         The brand is Thai kitchen. I like their red curry paste too. The green is spicy so start with a little and work up to what you can handle.

   3. The canned or paste green curry from Maesri brand is excellent. I usually add some thinly cut chicken cubes, some bell peppers, and mushrooms to add protein and extra vegetables into it and eat with steamed white rice.

      I cannot recommend Maesri enough, I keep 2-3 cans of the green curry with coconut milk in my pantry all the time to whip up a quick curry for dinner. I will note that if you’re not used to spicy food, it’s probably not for you. It’s not super super spicy by Thai means, but there’s definitely a heat kick in it.

      1. Yes, Maesri is way better than Thai Kitchen.

         1. Where do you get it?

            1. My regular grocery store carries it, but if not, try your local international food store or on-line.

            2. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000QU3JM0/

               It’s my go to! You can get it at Ranch 99 Markets, or online. It’s so good.

      2. A solution I have to spiciness is just to use less of the paste, esp. if I’m cooking for people who aren’t me and my husband.

      3. +1 to Maesri. And it’s vegan! We always have it in the house

      4. YES. This is the brand I buy. I buy it in chinatown. the green curry is HOT. Red is HOTTER. And all the other cans i’ve found to be wonderfully mild and flavorful. :)

      5. YES! You must use Maesri curry paste. It’s so so much better than Thai kitchen. I order it on Amazon in a variety pack so I have red, green, yellow, and massaman curry pastes on hand. I don’t find it that spicy.

      6. The Maesri massaman is sooooooo good.

   4. nytimes vegan thai curry is the recipe I follow, and I just use the red/green curry paste from the grocery store. super simple and really tasty.

   5. Trader Joe’s Thai Green Curry sauce has a permanent place in my pantry for weeknight dinners.

      1. +1

10. I’m planning a honeymoon trip for July and would love any recs for an all-inclusive adults-only resort in the Caribbean. Turks and Caicos, Grand Cayman, Bahamas would be great, and we want to avoid Mexico and any Sandals resorts. Looking for beautiful grounds, great food, nice accommodations with ocean views, romantic (not party) atmosphere, and not interested in snorkeling or any more active activities.

    1. Iberostar Grand Bavarro in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. We went there in May, and it was fabulous!

       1. +1!

    2. Do you have a specific budget? Because if money is not an obstacle, either of these:

       Jade Mountain in St. Lucia – http://www.jademountain.com/sanctuaries/sanctuaries.html
       Spice Island in Grenada: https://www.spiceislandbeachresort.com/

       1. Thanks! We’d like to stay around $600 per night but maybe we should splurge for a shorter stay since it’s our honeymoon. According to tripadvisor, Spice Island is not adults-only but I’ll look up Jade Mountain.

          1. Oops, sorry, I think it used to be. I have not been but have always wanted to. Jade Mountain is amazing though from personal experience.

          2. Anse Chastanet is Jade Mountain’s lower priced sister resort. I stayed there for my honeymoon in 2007 and loved it.

    3. We honeymooned at Sandals Halcyon Beach in St Lucia and we absolutely loved it.

       Also just did a press trip for The Fives Azul Beach Resort in Playa del Carmen – it’s a Karisma property. It’s family friendly but not overrun with kids, and there were a ton of couples. Excellent resort.

11. I have several clothing and accessory items, all new with tags and from popular brands such as MM LaFleur and Cuyana, that I’d like to sell. Am I better off using eBay or Poshmark? My guess is that I will get more interest on Poshmark, but it charges a higher commission than eBay and the social media-style aspects seem like a hassle. Thoughts or advice?

    1. If you itemize your taxes, donating and taking a deduction for the retail value might get you more money. I’ve been disappointed trying to sell name brand stuff through any venue.

       1. That’s not how those deductions work. The deduction amount is set by the IRS based on type of clothing and condition. The amounts are no where near retail value.

          1. Not true. You can elect to use consignment value which lets you set the amount. I use the suggested amounts for normal donations of tops, pants, etc. but I use consignment value for more expensive, new items with tags.

             Take a look on Turbotax and you’ll see what I’m talking about. And yes, you’ll get more money taking the deduction (assuming you itemize your taxes) vs. actually consigning it.

             1. Yes I’m the Anon who suggested this. I use TurboTax for my deductions and I take the higher value for things that have brand name cachet. I’ve never had an issue and I come out well ahead with the deduction vs reselling.

             2. If you sell a dress on eBay for $100 less the $10 commission you get $90 cash in your pocket the day you sell. Taking a $100 deduction on your taxes for it will result in a $25-40 effective benefit that you won’t realize until sometime in 2020 when you file your taxes. I think you’re off base in your assumption that donating is more lucrative.

             3. My effective marginal tax rate for state + federal is around 50%, and my time and effort are definitely worth something. I’ve also never been pleased with what I can get from selling. I would be very, very surprised to get $100 for a dress that isn’t new with tags, even brand name. $25 is more realistic.

    2. I do both but I think I prefer Poshmark despite the higher fees, because the shipping is all basically accounted for. But honestly sometimes stuff just doesn’t move on there or you sell weird things and don’t sell things you think have value. I think it’s just good to keep in mind that anything used (even if it’s NWT it isn’t from the maker) has less value than you think it does. I do no social media stuff on it.

    3. FWIW, I had no success selling MMLaFleur with tags on eBay.

    4. If they are size xs/0, can we message directly? I stalk poshmark/ebay for MMLF in that size but haven’t had much luck.

       1. Sorry, size 2. :(

          1. I’m a size 2 and would be interested! Can you email me information brittanygeyer @ gmail

             1. I may be interested depending on the item– brmcleod@gmail

    5. Isn’t there an MM LaFleur resale group on Facebook? Not sure about this, but you might try looking there.

    6. For MM LaFleur there is a Facebook B/S/T group that is very active, you could give that a try

12. I need help finding a new goal. I’ve been very focused on health and fitness as my main “hobby” for the past few years. Recently I’ve started to think I’ve become too focused on it so I’m looking for something new to put my energy into. I really like the idea of having a big goal to work towards but I can’t seem to find something that gets me excited. I enjoy arts and crafts but am also interested in doing something completely new. I’d really appreciate any suggestions!

    1. How about a reading challenge? Say, two books a month or something? Or, you could specifically sample from different genres.

    2. Have you totally organized your house?

    3. Well this is fun. You said “big goal,” so I’ll throw some big goals out:

       Write a novel or memoir
       Make a set of pottery
       Draw a graphic novel
       Start a blog or website
       Start a meetup group
       Teach a community/adult ed class
       Take a class at a local extension school (affiliated with a university)
       Audition in community theater or for an improv group
       Start an instagram account focusing on X (not your personal stuff)
       Run for office or work on another candidate’s campaign

    4. Learn to play [instrument].
       Get good at brewing beer.
       Revamp your backyard.
       Grow food to eat.

    5. A friend is doing a 10-month reading project, reading only books from authors of two South American countries. She will cap off the project with a trip there in October. I love this so much and hope to copy it in an upcoming year.

       1. ooo! What country? What books?

          1. Interested to know as well, what a cool idea!

    6. How about something for the community? Start a community garden. Build a little free library or pantry and maintain it. Lead a girl scout troop. Apply for a board appointment in local government. Advocate for a specific issue, so the big goal is “defeat plan to widen the interstate” or something.

    7. For a more day to day goal, I’ve started cooking differently. Right now I’m on a clean eating “cleanse” (if you follow @healthyish on Instagram, it’s their two week eating plan. I like it because it’s well organized with shopping lists and batch cooking for lunches) which I plan to keep doing in some form. I bought some cookbooks and read quite a few of them over the dead week between Xmas and New Years and am inspired to cook more plant based seasonal food.

    8. Mine this year (also last year’s, but I didn’t get any of them done–no shame though, because they’re big):
       Learn a language
       Learn to play violin
       Learn to ID the local birds, like fast enough I can spot them while driving
       Create a Dungeons and Dragons world ;)

       1. On the IDing birds, if you don’t have the Audubon Bird Identification app, it is super helpful.

       2. I did this two years ago. I learned French – not fluently, but passable – and then I went to Paris :)

          1. I did this two years ago. I learned French – not fluently, but passable – and then I went to Paris :)

             1. yeah–I’m hoping to learn Spanish in time for travel to a wedding. Fortunately for me, the bride hasn’t set a date yet (no drama, just logistics) so I still have plenty of time.

       3. +1. Sooo happy to see that other ‘rettes play D&D! :D

    9. Cosplay.

13. Favorite shampoo and conditioner for color-treated hair? Anything I can grab at CVS or order from Amazon would be appreciated. I’m new to the balyage game and don’t want to spend a ton of money on hair products, but do want to extend the life of my color as long as possible. Thanks!

    1. I use John Frieda sheer blonde highlight activating shampoo and conditioner for darker blonds. My color is a dark blonde/light brown with balayage to play up my natural highlights. The product isn’t going to add color to your hair, but it’ll keep it looking nice.

    2. What color is you hair?
       I get cool blonde highlights. I use Amikia Bust your Brass purple shampoo and conditioner. It says unavailable on Amazon but its available on Sephora’s website.

    3. I have and like this stuff. My requirement was the same – must be able to get it at cvs or the grocery store.
       https://www.target.com/p/garnier-fructis-with-active-fruit-protein-color-shield-with-acai-berry-antioxidant-uv-filters-fortifying-conditioner-21-fl-oz/-/A-51851254

    4. This isn’t what you asked, but according to my hair stylist, the actual products you use don’t make a huge difference in extending the life of your color. It’s the actual washing and using heat on your hair that cause color to fade. I asked because I wondered if salon products would be better than the Pantene or whatever drug store brand I was using.

       1. This is true. I posted the garnier above but the big color maintenance thing is washing my hair every third or fourth day.

          1. I have a real issue with my color fading after about two weeks. My stylist does an amazing job color/ blending-wise but I think the color only goes on as a glaze/gloss after the balayage? Is that normal or should she be doing something different in the actual balayage? (Dark hair I lighten with balance to a lighter brown and then she puts an auburn glaze/gloss, so it’s dark auburn with reddish highlights (which I love) for the first two weeks and then kind of fades to slightly red, much lighter bronde highlights).

             1. I had an issue with my lowlights fading – I get highlights and lowlights to blend in my grays, and I don’t want a drastic overall color change so the lowlights balance out the highlights. My stylist said that certain colors fade more quickly, typically dark colors because your hair strand doesn’t change permanently with dark colors the way it does with lighter colors, where the bleach is actually stripping your natural color. Dark colors just sort of lay on top of your natural color. So in my case, without the lowlights, my hair did end up being ligher, which was not what I wanted.

                I don’t know if this is what’s going on with the treatment you get, but I would definitely talk to your colorist about it not lasting and see if they can recommend a different product.

             2. Red is notoriously difficult to maintain. You may want to look into a color depositing shampoo/conditioner. I know that people swear by Overtone.

    5. The Kristen Ess purple shampoo/conditioner from Target is pretty good, if you have lighter shades in your hair. Very notable difference for me.

14. I am hosting a dinner for two of my close girlfriends this weekend. I know that one of my friends is trying to lose weight and has participated in Weight Watchers for years. Any healthy (preferably simple) dinner ideas to accommodate her without having to ask her for ideas? Thanks!

    1. I like this Santa Fe Chicken recipe. Skinny Taste has lots of great meals that are low points on WW. https://www.skinnytaste.com/crock-pot-santa-fe-chicken-425-pts/

    2. What about a make your own taco set up with the option of lettuce or low-cal wraps? That way she can build her own taco using whatever ingredients she feels fit into her diet – i.e., maybe she skips the cheese and guac but takes extra salsa and veggies. Maybe you could do a side of cilantro and lime cauliflower rice and black beans? It’s really nice of you to think of this for her.

       1. Yes! I do this a lot for groups of all sizes. I cook up chicken or pork in my instant pot and set up all the fixings. Some people take a tortilla, some use just lettuce, etc. It’s so easy for people to customize this.

       2. To follow up on this — yes! Tacos! My recommendation specifically would be fish tacos. Easy, simple, super healthy, and come together in less than 20 minutes. I usually roast tilapia loins rubbed in chile powder and lime juice, shred the fish, serve on a low carb tortilla, and top with a fresh peach or mango salsa and a lime cabbage slaw. Here’s the recipe I use for salsa – delicious. https://cookieandkate.com/2015/fresh-mango-salsa-recipe/ I also use La Tortilla Factory low carb soft taco size tortillas – only 1 WW point. Serve with a side of black beans.

    3. Roast a chicken and vegetables?

    4. Thai lettuce cups, make your own.
       Butter lettuce, shrimp,chicken, shredded carrots, cilantro, sprouts, cucumber, water chestnuts, basil, peanuts or cashews, rice
       Peanut sauce (peanut butter, soy sauce, siracha, brown sugar, lemon juice, vinegar)
       Doesnt seem like diet food but folks can eat healthy — shrimp and veggies or less so: add rice and peanut sauce

    5. Salmon filets and a roasted vegetable salad! Just saute the salmon in a pan (put salt and pepper on it) and then serve with dill and whole grain mustard. I make the roasted vegetable salad with a bed of fresh spinach and then some combination of roasted carrots, cauliflower, and/or sweet potatoes. Garnish with pomegranate seeds, avocado, and/or goat cheese. Finish it off with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar!

       Roasting vegetables is super easy if you haven’t done it before. Just cut them into large chunks, toss with olive oil (or spray the cauliflower), and then spread them out on a sheet pan with foil on it (for easy clean-up). Add salt, pepper, and thyme. I’d put each type of vegetable on a separate sheet pan since they might be ready at different times. Roast them at 400 degrees and poke them with a knife occasionally to check if they’ve reached your preferred texture yet. Should take about 20-30 minutes depending on how large your vegetable chunks are.

15. Why did I used to think that this outfit was awesome:

    red boucle skirt suit (of the kind that the jacket buttons all the way up, you wear it closed; skirt had elastic waist in the back)
    flat riding boots (black)

    I thought I’d be the second coming of Pippa Middleton. Oy.

    1. I have to say, I love boucle and always look forward to it being back in style. I do limit myself to one piece at a time though :)

    2. completely depends on the materials here. Silk/wool tweed? Minimal embellishments? Leather boots? I think that sounds great.

       Acrylic and vinyl with a ton of gold buttons and chains? hard pass.

16. Can anyone who invests with Vanguard by themselves tell me how long it takes you to go from transferring $ from your bank account to a confirmed share purchase of one of their funds? I am actually paying for their Personal Advisor Services, but it seems to me that they are really slow to invest my $ when I transfer from my bank. It takes 5-6 days from when they receive the funds from my bank to shares being purchased. Not sure if this is just how long it takes?

    1. I think it takes 2 days for me, not including holidays or weekend. So I would initiate a purchase on Sunday and by Tuesday I would get a transaction complete notification.

    2. 2-3 days for me. I just contributed to my IRA over the holiday, and got e-mail confirmation of transaction completion about 60 hours later.

       It may be your bank itself that’s the problem. Years ago I used a small local credit union, and kept getting late fees from my billers. After investigating, I found out that the credit union was holding payments back until they had batches big enough to justify sending all at once to utility/credit companies. I switched immediately.

17. I have noticed that fairly often I will suddenly become bone-crushingly exhausted, to the point where it is an immense effort even to get up from my chair and get a snack out of my lunch box. I think it’s hunger, even though I don’t usually feel much hunger in my stomach when the feeling strikes. If I have a sugary drink or candy, I usually feel better pretty quickly. I typically try to eat a decent amount of protein and have a snack every few hours. I usually try to minimize my intake of refined sugar and eat mainly whole grains. I’ve noticed that this doesn’t seem to happen nearly as often during afternoons when I “cheat” and have a soda or a cookie with lunch. Is there such a thing as eating too little sugar? Other possible causes?

    1. Have you tried snacking on fruit instead of candy? It would be pretty hard to eat so little sugar that you cause a problem – not sure if that’s even possible. I keep a stash of frozen grapes in the freezer section of the office fridge and grab a few when I get my afternoon coffee.

       1. I typically snack on nuts, yogurt, or cheese. It’s just that the few times I’ve been able to grab some candy I feel so much better that I suspect it must be a blood sugar thing.

    2. Have you asked your doctor about hypoglycemia?

       1. +1 — my husband has similar symptoms and usually eats almonds, protein bars, or even a small cookie/ sweets , which helps his energy and blood sugar levels until he can eat a full meal. He has hypoglycaemia, and I notice stress, as well as working out means he has to eat more of everything. He is very slim, yet needs to eat much more often and way more calories to feel good. I notice a huge change as he goes from looking pale and shakey, to fed and energized— it’s as though his colour comes back.

          1. Whoa — you might’ve helped me figure out something about myself. That pale, worn-out look describes me at the end of the workday. I’ve always attributed it to stress. I have occasionally experienced the shakiness. After I get home and eat dinner, I usually feel and look much better.

             1. Also want to add ( may not be the case for you, but may help) that a good sized portion at each meal, as well as healthy in between snacks is important. If my husband has cake, for example, with coffee he tries to ration less at dinner, which may work well for some, but with his hypoglacemia, this just means he is hungry too soon after dinner again, and lo and behold, shakey look returns. As I mentioned, he is quite slim, and active, so he burns lots of calories, but when he gets worried about eating more (this happens most often when we travel, and have an unusually larger lunch or dinner. He says, “wow, I feel nice and full, I don’t think I need a snack” but…he always does. Essentially, keep portions and snacks consistent.

    3. Could you be anemic? I’ve heard of several people being anemic lately.

18. During meal prep I roasted a winter squash but now feel stuck on how to turn it into an actual meal for dinner.

    Looking for inspiration and recommendations for all your favorite vegetable-heavy recipes.

    1. I love Cookie and Kate for veggie-heavy recipes.

    2. I like to roast squash with kale and chickpeas, then drizzle with balsamic. For me, that’s a pretty complete easy weeknight meal, but you could also add it to a grain bowl with quinoa or rice.

    3. “Risotto” in the oven (thus the quotes), very hands off (google Martha Stewart oven risotto). Stir in the squash at the end, let it come up to temp, serve with a bright acidic green salad.

       1. Yeah, when I make risotto (the real way), I add in mushrooms and roasted butternut at the end. Otherwise, the butternut squash falls apart. I cook the mushrooms separately because otherwise the risotto is gray.

    4. Make a hearty salad with it? Greens, quinoa, squash, maybe some other veg/fruit, nuts, blue cheese crumbles?

    5. Scoop it out and add it to sautéed onions and garlic, add broth and use a hand blender on it. Boom, soup. Cream optional. Cumin would be good, as would fried sage leaves.

       1. What’s Gaby Cooking just posted a recipe for this.

    6. A super easy option is to top roasted squash with spiced black beans (with tomato, salsa and or avocado also added, if it’s around). I like the house brand of organic spicy black beans that Kroger sells, but TJ’s also has Cuban spiced black beans that would work.

19. I’ve lost my professional drive and I kind of miss it. I left my biglaw job and after taking some time off while looking for another job, I ended up getting what I think is my dream job with a federal agency. Moving from private practice to a government job has been a much bigger adjustment than I expected. I still think this job is where I want to be but I’m having a hard time feeling fully engaged with my work and the result is that I feel like I’m not doing my best work. The first issue I’m struggling with is being part of a big team instead of working independently on projects. I think not having to take full ownership of things (which does make this job less stressful) is making it hard to get myself fully engaged. The second issue is that I’m working with much more senior people who know way more about what I’m working on than I’ll ever know because they’ve been involved in that particular issue for decades, so the drive that comes from wanting to learn things to be THE EXPERT on an issue just isn’t there for me right now. The third issue is just all the little things – not having an office, tons of meetings throughout the day, not being able to just pop into someone’s office to ask a question. I know I’m not doing my best work but I’m having a hard time finding the drive I had at my previous job. I’m starting to feel like I’m not smart enough / good enough for this job. I’d really appreciate any advice from people who have been through something similar.

    1. How long have you been there? If it’s less than a year, you’re probably still getting adjusted to it. I took a job that I was excited about in some ways but not so excited about in others, and it took me a couple of years to really get back into the swing of things. I was very burned out from my high stress, high hours previous job and it took a while to recover from that too. I just started year 4 here and I’m excited, ambitious, recently got promoted, and overall feel like I’ve gotten my groove back. Sometimes it just takes time to get used to a new culture, new coworkers, etc.

    2. No advice, just commiseration. I made the jump from biglaw to government last year, and it’s been a huge adjustment. I genuinely miss the intensity of the work, the collaboration with a litigation team, and the individual responsibility. It’s been 8 months for me, and I’m still not adjusted. I generally am bored by the work. I keep hoping it will get better as I spend more time there, but it really hasn’t.

       Don’t mean to be a Debbie downer, but wanted to say you’re not alone in the adjustment!

    3. Also commiseration. I took a job 6 months ago, going from a high stress, high hours boutique litigation firm to a mid to large insurance defense firm, with overall less hours because I’m part of a large team. Because there are so many people the not being able to pop in for a question bit gets to me the most. I often find myself genuinely bored wondering whether I should just /do/ something or write an email asking for an update, or forward emails during nonbillable times trying to track down some approval. At my last job a lot of things were crazy dependent on me so I was always on the go, but also had a sense of purpose because I knew exactly where things were and whether an action would or would not be kosher with the client.

20. What would you do if you had aspirations to write for a major daily newspaper (Wall Street Journal, NYT, Washington Post, etc) or major news magazine? Would you: Keep your corporate finance job (industry you’ve been in for 3 years) while occasionally getting published in industry specific publication and hope that this writing experience + finance knowledge can open doors… or try to get an entry level reporter position at a small newspaper and work your way up? Or another track I’m not thinking of?

    I’ve seen quite the bashing on here for people interested in journalism so while I respect that opinion, it’s not helpful. This is what I want to do and I will get there eventually.

    1. Is there anyone even remotely connected to your network you could talk to informally about how to do this? It’s not going to be easy, as you know.

    2. I’d start looking at the background of reporters I respect and admire and see what paths they took. Heather Long comes to mind for me as a fairly young reporter who does excellent work.

       I’d also revisit my attitude. That goal is like a lawyer declaring they WILL be an circuit court judge. Sure, maybe, but probably not. Most people don’t make it. If you’re not into the career even if you don’t get the brass ring, dont do it.

    3. Is there a reporter who always reports on the issues in your field? Could you strike up a friendship with them?

    4. A good friend is a journalist. Her path was small newspaper, moved to NYC, took job at big player (one of the ones you mentioned), laid off, now freelances. Most in her field freelance now.

    5. I’m not a journalist but I have provided advice for my specialty to news organizations. I have doubts you can go successfully from industry publications to a job at a major paper. What you might want to do is go from industry publications to seeking publication of freelance pieces in mainstream papers, then figure out the career path from there. Staff reporting positions are very limited, which lowers your chance of getting one, BUT increases opportunities to get published as a freelancer (where there is also a lot of competition). You’d likely have to start submitting on spec to regional papers or something more like the NY Post or Daily News, rather than the WSJ or NYT to start.

    6. Network and start pitching stories. I have dear friends that are editors at major news outlets and if you want to be published, you need to be pitching not waiting for people to “discover” you.

       If you want to become a staff writer, again, network. My friends got their roles differently. Three worked for their prestigious undergrad college newspaper and have been in The Business ever since. One served in military and came back and got a masters in journalism then got a job on an international desk. One has been freelancing since being a communications major in college (not an editor), one has been freelancing since doing the peace corps in 2003. One quit his corporate job to write a book, published, then got a column.

    7. I have worked in the newsroom of a publication you name. You need to understand that the demand for these jobs is insane and they pay far less than you’d expect.

       It’s not clear whether you want to be a reporter or a writer. Becoming a reporter is a tough path unless you land a coveted internship straight out of school (not necessarily j-school, but it helps). Otherwise you need to build a good track record of clips and scoops at a smaller publication and then network with people at your target publication. Scoops are what catch the eye, followed by good work ethic (e.g. 80+ hours/week to really cover your beat, with few or no corrections/retractions) followed closely by good writing. (Those papers have editors who will work wonders on subpar prose.)

       You may be able to land pieces here and there by pitching things, but they will tend to be pieces on topics with a longer shelf life (health/food/lifestyle/etc) and they are unlikely to turn into a regular job.

    8. I might out myself here, but my husband is a reporter for a major news publication. He started fresh from college and worked his way up, within that newspaper. It’s a brutal industry, constant lay-offs as none of the publications are money makers, with really long, unpredictable hours, and low pay considering the skills of the staff and the demands.
       That being said, he couldn’t do anything else, and loves it.
       To answer your question, I’d keep my corporate job, and try to land as many free lancing jobs as possible so you get your name out there. My experience of being in his sphere for 15 years is that major publications only recruit reporters from major publications. So I’m not sure you can work from small to big in that way.
       good luck to you

21. My grandmother is sick with not much time left. She recently gave me some money as a gift (mid-4 figures) and I’m kind of at a loss about what to do with it. My impulse is always to save but I feel like if I just drop it into Vanguard I’ll sort of forget that it’s there and that she gave it to me and that I intended to do something meaningful with it. But I also feel funny going off spending that much on some kind of purchase. Jewelry? A watch? I don’t know … It seems like a lot and how do I ensure I’m spending it on something meaningful or something that will stand the test of time? I want to do something with it that feels like I’m honoring her memory. I’d appreciate any ideas.

    1. It’s up to you. Personally, I would keep it for a full year. I would feel much better about reflecting on her life and legacy during that time than just trying to think of something or making an impulse purchase. FWIW, my grandmother died last year and some of the most meaningful ideas to honor her legacy have come many months after she passed.

       1. +1

       2. Totally agree. I received money under similar circumstances from a relative. I am so glad I put it in the bank and took my time figuring out what to do with it because I got to really think about the decision. If you’re not drawn to a piece of jewelry or whatever right now, it would be a shame to spend the money on something because you felt like you had to and then end up never wearing it or enjoying it because it wasn’t exactly what you wanted.

       3. Agreed. Store it for a year and let the emotional dust settle first. If you’re worried about feeling like you’re just dumping it in an account and want a clear delineation, put it in a 12-month CD.

    2. I would do a jewelry with her birthstone or a watch – depends on your style. Would spend under $2K. Save some (half?) and spend some on an experience that my grandma would have liked to have. For me that would be a flight to Brazil – she visited in the 1970s and always wanted to go back or maybe a flight to Milan – she loved the opera.

    3. I got a similar gift from a grandparent (smaller amount though) and used part of it to pay for Lasik. To some, it may seem like a strange way to honor a memory. To me, it’s been a significant lasting improvement in my daily life and I am grateful for the gift. How is your emergency/freedom fund? Making good investments with the money is a valid use too. Think of it as “my grandmother’s peace of mind” fund. That money is bolstering you in the event of job loss, major life changes, whatever. A use will come for it someday.

    4. What about using some of it to plan a special trip in her memory? She could help you decide where to go.

    5. I would buy a really special piece of jewellery or art that I love, and I would show it to her and explain why you chose it and how you will always think of her when you wear/look at it.

    6. If you’re into watches, I’d absolutely get a watch, maybe an Omega Speedmaster. I also like the idea of a special trip. But also, don’t feel like you need to find a reason to spend it now, save it if nothing is speaking to you.

    7. What about art? I am always looking for the opportunity to support living (women) artists, and then you put it on your wall and can think of your grandma every time you see it.

       1. I got a memorial tattoo for my grandma. Permanent, not expensive, supports an artist, customized. She would’ve hated it, but in a laughing whack-you-on-the-head way, so that also makes me smile.

    8. My grandmother passed away this year at the age of 99. She requested that the family use some of the money she gifted for a ‘family reunion’ bucket list type trip for all of her kids / grandkids. We’re all heading to Hawaii (from three separate continental us cities) in a few months.

       1. I definitely want my family to do that when I pass!

22. Home reno question. What type of carpet would you recommend for a basement family room and the stairs down to the basement? Requirements for carpet would be something comfortable/cozy, wears well, easy hide/remove stains (one preschooler and two hairball-full cats), low VOC. This is the only cozy room in our house where the kiddo can plop down on the floor and play…The rest of our house is hardwoods and tile/marble tile.
    We’re going to the local carpet company this weekend and I would like to know where to direct my focus. Fiber / pile type? Material? Okay with paying more if the right product. Internet research has my head spinning. Would love some firsthand experience/recommendations!

    1. I’d probably do a medium pile because it won’t snag as easy as a berber or pattern and get the stain master option. Whatever you pick, don’t skimp on the under-pad. That’s really what makes the difference in the floor being comfortable.

       1. +1 on upgrading the pad. It’s not just more comfortable, I am convinced it makes the carpet last longer too.

       2. [OP here] Good to know on the pads! Maybe that’s why having just rugs on hardwoods do not feel cozy like carpet.

    2. Is there any chance of your basement flooding? In my area it’s always possible so I’d do a waterproof hard flooring with a large cozy rug.

       1. +1. I would carpet the stairs but then use a waterproof floor with a big soft rug.

       2. Luckily no (knock on wood). We’re on top of a hill and the previous owners installed an interior drainage system when they waterproofed the basement.

    3. This is my house exactly. We have a wool Berber in a multicolour that hides small stains and definitely upgrade the underpad.

    4. After our basement flooded, we recarpeted with a potential future flood in mind. We went with air.o carpet. It doesn’t need a pad; it comes with its own adhesive (thick, soft) backing. That also cut down on labor, as it’s simpler to install than traditional carpet. It’s been really comfortable. Supposedly if the basement ever floods again, the adhesive will just come off and we can save the carpet. It’s also supposedly hypoallegenic and mold resistant. I don’t know about all that but I can tell you we’ve been happy with it and it’s easy to clean. There are lots of options; I forget the name of the one we got but it’s a medium pile and I recall it was NOT the most expensive option the store had.

    5. I’d do a wool Berber in cream. I used to have carpet like that in my last house and at 20 years old it still looked brand new and cleaned wonderfully. Don’t be scared off by a light color.

    6. I stayed in an AirBNB over Christmas and they had, believe it or not, a very nice short shag carpet. It was very soft and looked great. I generally hate wall to wall carpet but I was quite taken with it.

       Just googled and apparently it’s called Frieze carpet these days: https://www.thespruce.com/frieze-the-modern-shag-2908888?utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=shareurlbuttons

23. Ladies with a pre-nup: talk to me! How did you do it, start the process? Are there any workbooks to help you make decisions together on this? My SO and I each own our own houses. We both work full-time, relatively high earning jobs and don’t plan on kids so if all goes well we will both be contributing financially to the marriage, not one person as sole/main breadwinner. No debt other than mortgages, and we are each coming in with assets like bank accounts, 401k.

    It’s so hard for me to think about prenuptial terms because a lot of it depends on future events? I don’t know. Help!

    1. Start by hiring a lawyer. If you have enough assets to protect that a prenup is worthwhile, you don’t do it with a workbook.

       1. To be clear and I should have said, I am a lawyer. I know we have to a hire lawyer. I thought that was so obvious I didn’t need to include it but I see I was wrong. I meant a workbook or resources to help us make the DECISIONS on what we want the terms of the prenup to me, the right questions to ask ourselves, how to think about premarital property and joint property. I’m looking for advice from married folks on this board who got a pre nup and what they thought about and how they made decisions.

          1. You can always have a 4-way meeting with you and the lawyers and they can talk you through all of these questions. Lawyers who do a lot of them will have people at other firms with whom they like to work and with whom they collaborate well. Where are you located?

    2. Caveat: I am not married and don’t have a prenup. Not even dating anyone at the moment. However, I am an estate planning attorney and occasionally assist with prenups and postnups (“marital property agreements”).
       First, list out both of your assets and liabilities. Then, break it down into a few different lines of thinking. A prenup controls how property is divided when the marriage dissolves. It can be dissolved by divorce or by the death of a spouse. For each of those situations, how would you like to divide your property (and debts) if the marriage dissolves in the next two years, five years, ten years, or twenty years. Now, layer children into the equation and go through the same process. A prenup won’t absolve either party from child support but it may impact what you see as a fair division of property.
       Your attorneys will probably approach this from a different perspective that will be based largely on how state law controls marital property. If you want to be more efficient, it would probably be best to chat with a family law or estate planning attorney in your state about how they usually approach structuring a document before you work through this with your SO. In Texas, for example, we build everything around what will be considered community property and separate property. Knowing how your state marital property laws generally work will help you think about things more in line with how your lawyers will, which will save you time and money. Don’t rely on your bar knowledge! I have had so many smart and accomplished lawyer friends approach me about “estate planning” in advance of a wedding who have either no idea or mistaken ideas about marital property laws.

       1. Thank you, this is helpful!

    3. The lawyer who represented me and did our prenup drafting gave us a list of topics to discuss and decide how we wanted to resolve them. We discussed each of the topics together and then gave him our responses. He said this would save us money because he would only need to draft once, knowing what our preferences were. As a lawyer also, I know how much money can be spent in editing documents that go through multiple revisions. Not only did his list bring up a few things we had not previously considered, it also made the process efficient. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to have a copy of it anymore. Perhaps you could google for a list of topics that commonly need to be resolved with a prenup and create your own.

       We decided to do a his/hers/ours structure. Everything we came into the marriage with remains separate property, and everything earned while we are married is community. This of couse involved creating separate lists of our separate property, which we maintain and update each year.

       Separately and once we were married, we also did all the estate planning stuff. Which means you’ll have to decide how to dispose of your separate property in the event of your death.

       1. Thank you! “This of couse involved creating separate lists of our separate property, which we maintain and update each year” I’m impressed.

24. Would you apply to a new job if you’ve only been at your job for about 4 months? I’ve been litigating for about 6-7 years and I think I hate it. Only wrinkle in this is I was let go from my job previous to this one so I was only there for 5 months but I was at my job before that for 6 years.

    1. Nope.

    2. Would wait a year then start looking. 1) It can take time to settle into a new job and the adjustment period can feel like you hate it. 2) Two short term jobs in a row is not great – leaving one after a bad fit is normal, two in a row, even if untrue, screams “I’m the problem”. Give it time, especially if you simply dislike it rather than it is a toxic mental health harming environment.

       1. Thanks.

          This is actually what I was thinking but I am just not happy at this job and was getting desperate. Onward for the rest of the year I guess.

          1. I’ll be the voice of dissent and say if you’re not happy why not at least apply and see what happens? There is no magic to the 1 year waiting period and no real rules here – – just constraints we create for ourselves. Perhaps the prospective employer is able to overlook the “job hopping” perception. This is your life and you should go for it and see what happens.

25. I’ve been seeing a lot of Best Buys of 2018 lists and have been loving them. So what are your favorite purchase of 2018? I’ll start, an electric tea kettle (perfect temp on demand!) smartwool no show socks (so warm), as well as an overflow drain stopper for the tub that I saw recommended here!

    1. Smartwool no-show socks are so good! I also bought those in 2018.

       I bought a sherpa blanket from Eddie Bauer, of all places, that feels like I’m snuggling with a kitten. It is so soft. My kids love it, too.

       This isn’t an item, per se, but regular haircuts and color make such a big difference in feeling great vs. feeling frumpy. Now I have my next three appointments booked, that’s how important they’ve become. It’s easily by biggest vanity purchase.

    2. I love my tub stopper, I’ve definitely recommended it here before! I think my favourite thing I bought are my Ugg slippers. They are 100% worth the money.

       1. I somehow missed this… what tub stopper are we talking about??

    3. I can’t believe I’m admitting to this, but my Dyson hairdryer. I got it during the Sephora sale, but still, it’s ridiculously expensive for a hairdryer, but….

       It’s life changing. All my life I’ve had triangle hair, flat at roots, and very thick at the ends. I tried frizz creams, layers, having hairdressers thin it, and nothing prevented the dreaded pyramid effect.

       Enter: Dyson. Now my hair looks sleek and shiny and no more triangle! The ends of my hair lay flat and smooth just like the roots. For the first time in my life, I’m actually going to grow out my hair because it looks so nice. And it only takes around 5 minutes using a paddle brush. Don’t even have to do the whole sections, round brush thing. Totally worth it.

       1. Oh, no. I so didn’t need to know this…. ;)

       2. Yes. My sweet husband got me one for Christmas and I was shocked to find it was totally worth the price tag!

    4. Pajama shorts. I used to sleep in pajama pants but learned this year that shorts are so much more comfortable for me.
       Mesh produce bags. This was the small change I made for the environment last year and I’m happy I’m not using the plastic produce bags anymore.

       1. All I sleep in are t-shirts or tanks and shorts since I’m a hot sleeper. It’s surprisingly hard to find pj shorts though, ime. Especially this time of year when the stores are full of flannel pants.

          1. I just got some mega on sale from Ann Taylor Loft that are cute! They’re warm material, I’ve also gotten silky feeling ones from Victoria Secret before.

          2. Soma will have some in the summer. I love their cool nights fabric.

             1. +1 to the Soma shorts! This would also be my fav purchase of 2018.

    5. I asked for footie pajamas as an xmas gift from my daughter, just to be silly and matchy and fun. Now they are all I ever want to wear. Highly recommend.

    6. Tub shroom
       Uggs (ugh I’m so late on this one because I think they’re ugly, but I finally bought some for taking my dog out in the winter and I’m eating crow. They’re so fantastic and comfortable and I just want to wear them nonstop all winter)
       Glass teapot (I love my electric kettle and this allows me to brew two cups at once and use loose tea)
       Weighted blanket (it really is soothing and helps me sleep better)
       Pendleton cotton blanket (perfect weight and so pretty)
       IllumiNITE reflective dog jacket (best I’ve found for making my black lab visible in the dark)
       Kevyn Aucoin sensual skin concealer (my dark under eye circles are finally invisible after 20 years)

       1. I’d love to know more about the concealer

          1. It’s this: https://m.sephora.com/product/the-sensual-skin-enhancer-P393953

             Extremely pigmented so I use a teeny tiny bit to cover my circles, but it works and doesn’t budge. It also has a nice finish to it and doesn’t crack, crease, or disappear.

    7. silicone avocado savers, not as perfect as plastic wrap, but easy to use and no guilt!
       Demi suede loafers from Banana Republic, most comfortable work shoes I’ve ever owned

26. Does anyone have any good remedies to soothe an irritated scalp? I got my hair colored a few weeks ago and have felt itchy and dry since then.

    1. Check out the black hair care aisle at your local drugstore. They have small (think TSA-sized) bottles of oils like coconut, jojoba, etc that have worked wonders when my winter scalp is super itchy and irritated. I use about half a bottle on my scalp and let it soak in for 20 mins or so, then shampoo normally. The oils are under $4 each.

    2. I like to use the Christophe Robin cleansing purifying scrub after a color, followed by a hair mask just on my ends. I buy it as Sephora but it may be available other places too.

    3. Are you developing an allergy to the hair dye? Happened to my mom and my sister. I think that’s an initial symptom. They have both switched to a different hair dye without the irritating ingredient. I don’t remember what the ingredient is, but a quick web search will tell you.

27. Preface: Yes, I want to go to law school. I know a lot of people regret going. I know it does not guarantee a well-paying job. I know it’s not like what’s on TV. I know that I won’t be saving the world (honestly I have very little desire to help people). It’s not because I like arguing (I do) but because I enjoy the research associated with it. I enjoy analyzing pieces of laws and the ways they can be interpreted. I enjoy the monotonous, boring aspects people describe. I also work well under pressure and don’t mind busy schedules, long hours, or harsh deadlines (as long as the compensation matches). I am also an emancipated minor, which required hiring a lawyer, so I may have a *slight* bit of idolization for lawyers in general now (seriously, could not have done it without my lawyer, she’s was fucking great).

    I’ve decided that I want to get into Harvard. Looking at numbers, I think I can do it. I am about to finish my associate’s in the spring with a 3.8 GPA. I will have opportunity to get that up to a 4.0 when I go for my bachelor’s in the fall (I would just do a straight transfer, but family made mistakes while homeschooling, so never officially “graduated” high school. Consequently, I have no diploma, so getting an associate’s was done in efforts to prevent losing opportunities due to not having an officially complete high school education). I did a practice LSAT, and scored 166, without any prep beforehand.

    Am I wrong to think that 1. A 3.9-4.0 GPA 2. A 174 or above LSAT and 3. A bachelor’s in a something considered rigorous would be enough to get a head start on getting in? Even past just numbers, I have made great connections with profs who are willing to write letters of recommendation on my behalf, I have relevant internship experience, and a real-life background that could make me appealing to their desire to draw in students with real life work experience. Is there any significant component I am missing that I could rectify over the next 2 and a half years?

    1. Those points would certainly be consistent with the most recent class (see below), the quality of your undergrad school matters. All bachelor degrees are not equal.

       Depending on where you are located, a full scholarship at a well regarded regional school may provide a lot of opportunities with less financial risk.

       HLS class of 2021 – https://hls.harvard.edu/dept/jdadmissions/apply-to-harvard-law-school/hls-profile-and-facts/
       GPA and LSAT Percentiles (75th/50th/25th)
       GPA: 3.97/3.9/3.8
       LSAT: 175/173/170

    2. Work in being lucky. I have lots of HLS grad friends. Many with stats lower than you describe. I also have lots of lawyer friends with your numbers that didn’t get into H/Y/S.

    3. What is your “real life work experience” – are you just talking about being emancipated? As the emancipated minor, that’s not really work experience at all. What school will your undergrad bachelor’s degree be from? The undergrad GPA isn’t just about the number out of 4.0 it is also about the institution you get it from and your major. I would take this to top law schools comment boards / threads instead of corporette. Unless someone on here is in Harvard’s law school admissions, most of us who are lawyers on here have been practicing and are a fair bit outside of law school admissions and our info may be outdated.

       1. Top Law Schools would be much more helpful.

          A few thoughts: Your GPA is calculated with all of your grades from any accredited institution, so make sure your calculations consider that. Law School Number (LSN) is helpful to see recent application cycles.

          A lot of top schools prefer and encourage work experience between UG and law school. Consider working as a paralegal at a large firm or something that exposes you to lawyers, both so you can see what we do IRL (which is definitely not like law school–and that’s not necessarily to dissuade you. I both loved law school and practice, but they’re very different in many ways), and also so you can better prepare yourself to get a 1L job. I do recruiting for my firm and prefer candidates with work experience, they make better summers and make better choices overall during the summer program. I say that as someone who went straight through.

          Harvard requires interviews, but does not extend interviews with everyone. A really great way to begin working on those skills is to learn how to share your story (you sound a bit brash above, but it may be age/Internet/etc. and for what it’s worth, I used to be like this when I was in college and dead set on going to law school ASAP) and explain why you would like to become a lawyer. I knew I did not want to do public interest work (though I enjoy helping people), but lawyers impacted my life from an early age and I appreciated the fact that being a lawyer really afforded you a voice. So I talked about that in my interviews and my admissions essay.

          I would encourage you to not focus so strongly on one school because you may miss some other really fantastic opportunities trying to make this one particular opportunity happen.

    4. The advice we all got from our HS guidance counselor regarding college applications applies to law school too: have a couple of reach schools, a couple of I-should-hopefully-get them schools, and a couple of safe schools that you’ll definitely get into. There’s basically nothing you can do to guarantee you’ll get into Harvard. That’ll be your reach school. Start looking into some other options that you’d be happy with. You might also get financial aid that will make those options more attractive even if they’re not your #1 choice. Good luck!

    5. If you are an emancipated minor, that means you are still around 16 or 17 and about to finish your associate’s, correct? That would make you 18 or 19 when you get your bachelor’s. I have know some similarly aged students, and for all of them it was a terrible decision to go straight to graduate or professional school right out of college. Even if you are a highly motivated genius, your perspective and priorities will be very different when you are 21 or 23 or 25. Unless you can get a full ride to law school, it’s not wise to take on that kind of debt unless you are making a mature decision that will serve you well for the rest of your life, and I’ve never known an 18-year-old who was truly capable of doing that, no matter how mature. In addition, law school or grad school is a whole different ball game from undergrad. It’s a dog-eat-dog environment where no one is looking out for you, and I’ve seen young kids with undergrad 4.0s flunk out of grad school, experience s3xual violence due to power imbalances and lack of sophistication, and worse. If you think you want to be a lawyer, work as a paralegal for a couple of years, then apply to law school when you are at least as old as a traditional student. You will have a much more rewarding experience that way.

       1. +1, this is a great suggestion.

       2. I started an ivy league law school when I was 20. It was fine. I did fine. I think I was smart enough to do better if I’d been older/more experienced and I also think I might have ended up clerking and trying for academia, which I have dabbled in and love, rather than big law to corporate in-house. But really I was in the upper 25% of my graduating class, moved on to big law and eventually to an in-house role and I don’t think I was in significantly harmed by being (by far) the youngest in my class.

          Being an emancipated minor is interesting and, if properly spun, could help you get admitted. Because I was young when I started university (16-years old) I didn’t necessarily have the best study skills and was maybe a little more overwhelmed at the beginning of university, which was reflected in my grades. I was in the bottom 1% of my law entering class for grades and the top 1% for test scores. But I was able to show that I had persevered and developed, which I think was interesting to law schools.

          Life is long. You never know where you might end up. I have found law to be a great degree. I’ve been able to do a lot of different things all over the US and internationally as I have moved around for life events. I know there are mixed feelings on going to law school, but it was a good experience for me and I don’t think that my age impacted me significantly more than most other (somewhat older) students.

       3. I agree with this advice, though probably less forcefully. I went to a fancy school and the students who did the best (maybe not academically, but learning-to-be-a-lawyer-ly and getting-what-they-needed-out-of-school-ly) were those who had worked a few years between undergrad and law school. A close friend was like you, skipped some school, killed it grades-wise and started law school at 20. This friend did fine academically, but their life completely fell apart due, in part I think, to the stress and competition and being just so young (in combination with mental health issues and a history of trauma that were definitely exacerbated by the environment).

          If you go to a shiny undergrad to get your Bachelors, you can likely get a job as a paralegal at a big firm upon graduation. That will give you more experience and time to grow, and help you save money to pay for school/living expenses. You’ll also have the opportunity to meet lawyers who can be great mentors (and references). That is what I would recommend if you were my IRL friend.

       4. Hi, Anon 11:15, should have clarified. Emancipated at 17, but am currently 19. So by the time I would be starting law school I would be at least 22. I wouldn’t be the most mature person there at 22, but certainly better odds than going at the age I am now.

          1. 22 is not that young to go to law school. I was 21 when I went, and I did not have any unusual circumstances and it was completely fine.

             Your LSAT needs to be higher.

    6. They’ll generally want to see that you’ve done something extracurricularly in college. I don’t think it matters so much what, it matters that you show commitment and leadership in something.

    7. “I have decided that I want to get into Harvard.” That’s great and having a goal is good. But, please don’t limit yourself to looking at Harvard only. There are many other great law schools and expanding your focus may land you a great scholarship to a great school. Not saying you have to go elsewhere, just look at more than Harvard.
       In terms of strategy, work your tail off to get good grades but focus on taking strong coursework, too. A 4.0 with all BS (not bachelor of science, the other BS) classes is not the same as a 3.7 with difficult, challenging coursework. WHO your rec letters come from matters, too.
       I agree that other boards will be better at evaluating your chance of getting into any given school with your current stats. But you’re going to need to disclose where your bachelors is from, because that is a huge component.
       Good luck and work hard!

    8. I graduated a long time ago but am still involved with admissions at my law school, which is not Harvard but is a peer institution. In general, it’s easier now to get into top law schools than it was in the past, because applications are down. A few thoughts:

       -Where you get your undergrad from matters a lot in terms of how your GPA will be judged. Grades from a community college will probably be largely disregarded by the admissions committee, TBH. Also, you will want your recommendations to come from profs at the institution where you do your bachelor’s, not the institution where you get your AA. In general, a community college or junior college professor recommendation just won’t carry the same weight.

       -It also matters what your BA is in to some extent, but honestly probably not that much. Where it’s from will matter more.

       -Are you doing a full 4-year degree, or just 2 years to complete the bachelors? If you’ve been accepted to a good school for the BA and you can afford to, spending more time there is likely helpful in terms of resume- and relationship-building.

       -If you will be very young when you finish your BA, consider doing something else before going to law school. In general, candidates who don’t go straight through are more likely to be admitted and have more success in getting hired (we’ve actually found that they have more success long-term at the firm). 2-3 years of work can really help strengthen your application, build up your financial resources, and also help mitigate any concern by the law school that you’re too young to handle the pressures of the program.

       Good luck. You’ve clearly struggled through a lot, and that’s great preparation for life AND law school.

    9. Hi!
       I’m 26 and currently applying to law schools. Everyone here means well, but there’s still a lot of nuance that means some comments that I’d otherwise say are 100% spot on are only 95% right.

       So you’re probably 20 or so if you’re finishing your associates and transferring? If you haven’t already worked to build relationships with Professors at your local school, definitely do so now.

       People are right that top law schools factor in the rigor of your undergraduate education. However, since the law school rankings ultimately only care about how the LSAC (Law School Admissions Council) calculates undergraduate GPA and LSAT, doing a “hard” major (STEM) or going to a more elite school or a hard school with grade deflation (ie Princeton) doesn’t help that much. Schools may say they take into account the rigor of your program or school, but ultimately, you need to give them a hard number (LSAT or GPA) reason to accept you. The best thing you can do right now is look into how the LSAC counts your GPA–they’ll take into account your community college classes. At my local community college if you failed a class, retook it and got an A, the school’s GPA would only take into account the A. The LSAC will count both the A & the F, so make sure you’ve got a solid GPA from your current school by their metric.

       Next, there’s a list of about 100 undergrad schools that can claim to meet 100% of demonstrated need based on the federal formula. You should probably only apply to those schools and your state flagship university. I would, highly, highly recommend applying to top liberal arts colleges because then you can major in whatever you love and still get a well paid job in consulting or finance right out of school (assuming you get good grades and take the necessary steps.)

       This brings me to my 3rd point: legal experience is great, but not necessary. Law schools increasingly prefer applicants that are “non-traditional” aka they’re not 22 and have some actual work/life experiences, but they certainly don’t privilege paralegal experience. You should definitely consider working after college, if only for a year.

       Working for a year: Since your undergraduate GPA is of paramount importance, focus on your GPA while you’re in school and study for the LSAT afterwards. An LSAT prep class will run about 3k, I think. I know you’re really confident and happy with your 93rd percentile score–and you should be–but the LSAT is grueling because its a really really long testing day with only 1 ten minute break to hydrate, go to the bathroom, or eat. So even though you seem to have innate talent, you’ll probably still need to prep hard. (Source: got a 166 in June and a 178 when I retook in July) In addition, the LSAT will cost at least $200 by the time you take it. You may get fee waivers from the LSAC for financial need, but that only covers the LSAC fee for 5 schools. For every school beyond that that you’ll apply to, you’ll need to pay at least $45 for the LSAC and however much the school charges. With a high LSAT you can get fee waivers to additional schools–which I did–but I still paid $2k in application fees. Even if you do everything right it will probably still be expensive because you’ll want to apply to at least 14 schools (the T-14) so you can negotiate scholarships.

       This brings me to my last point. Federal student loans are usurious right now. The job outcomes–as you’re aware–aren’t great. Law school is graded on a forced curve, so going in you should expect that you’ll have the median outcome for your school. The top 14 schools have employment outcomes head and shoulders above other schools–check it the 509 reports for various schools. They’ll tell you the median LSAT, GPA, employment outcomes, scholarships & etc. Check out reddit’s law school admissions and LSAT subredit’s for advice and commiserations. It’s where I learned the law schools used to offer accepted student’s conditional scholarships, knowing that because of the curve a bunch of these students would lose their scholarships their second and 3rd year. Reading the 509 report can tell you this type of info.

       Best of luck! Feel free ask me any other questions.

    10. Thanks to everyone for such insightful advice!

        1. I don’t know if you are still reading, but in my opinion, going to Harvard, Stanford and Yale hurt you if you are not at the very top of the class because of their lack of grades. It probably doesn’t make a difference for employment at law firms, but for clerkships (I clerked at a federal appellate court), many applicants who would have had a 3.7 GPA at Columbia/NYU had some passes instead of high passes at HYS. Chicago is honestly great because no one can understand what your GPA means.

    11. With the caveat that it’s been over a decade since I applied, those numbers seem at least with giving it a shot. I’m not going to give you a speech about not going to law school (I’m one of those rare very happy lawyers), but I’d like to ask you to reconsider that HLS is the only/best place for you. I really wanted to go there too, and was disappointed (to say the least) when I was waitlisted and then rejected. I ended up at NYU and loved it. Loved law school, loved my profs and my clinics, loved my classmates, and made amazing lifelong friends. It was great professionally, too; being in NYC gave me amazing connections and internships during the school year and the alumni network has been very helpful since. On the other hand, my sibling ended up at HLS and had the opposite law school experience. He enjoys being a lawyer now but hated law school and has very few law school friends he still sees at all, let alone is close with. Obviously this is anecdotal, but I worked for many years at a V5 firm with plenty of HLS grads as well as those from other top schools (like NYU). We all ended up in the exact same place professionally but not everyone looked back on law school fondly. I do have friends who went to HLS and liked it; my point isn’t that it’s a miserable place but that all of the schools at the top are amazing places to learn that will open doors. What’s most important is where you’ll be happiest.

    12. I don’t want to be negative, but have you taken a practice LSAT? a 174 is in the top 1% of test takers. Heck a 173 is in the top 1%. And the LSAT is a really really hard test. Good news is you have a whole year and 80+ practice tests to study before you get there.

        I highly recommend the thinkingLsat podcast if you are considering going for it. I also recommend taking a year off and having a real job between.

        1. Eh, with test prep practice, OP may well be able to get her LSAT score up from 166 (with no previous practice) to 174. Those were exactly my pre- and post- test prep numbers.
           OP–I took an LSAT prep course, and it was definitely worth it. When it’s time to start studying for it, I highly recommend taking one if you can afford it. If not, then when you do your LSAT prep, make sure you take some (3-4) practice tests in the same conditions as the test itself–timed conditions, early on a Saturday morning, sitting upright at a desk or table, in a place with some background noise.

           1. Ope! I didn’t see she got a 166. That’s fantastic first time score (as long as it’s under timed conditions). Ignore everything I said and go for it.

              I was recently in a study group and it would amaze you how many people talk about a 170+ and have never taken a full timed practice test.

28. Best gift you received in 2018/thing you would love to get in 2019?

    1. Weighted blanket. It has improved my sleep immensely.

       1. +1

    2. A new robe. Mine is the Natori Shangri La. it’s an incredibly soft Jersey, and it has an ample wrap so I stay modest. I feel very fancy and put-together in it. I put it on straight out of the shower and wear it while getting ready. Sometimes in the evening I wear it over my pajamas if I’m chilly.

    3. My boyfriend gave me a crepe maker, with a recipe book and two canisters of batter mix. I love it so much, it took a little practice to get them just right – how to dispense and smooth out the batter so it’s thin but will be just soft enough to roll or fold when they’re done, and most importantly, how to flip them without them falling apart! Now I can make a really delicious dessert, or brunch, for the two of us. Or just me. I do realize dinner crepes are also a thing but I haven’t quite delved into those yet.

29. I just transitioned to a new role in my current company. I’ve largely enjoyed it, but was asked in a meeting to do a fairly administrative task that will take a long time, and really doesn’t at all align to my function. I think it was a matter of it needing to be done and my having the lowest title in the meeting, relative to the other pretty high level folks.
    This is work that’s more administrative than even what I moved from, and certainly than what my current role entails. If it was just this, I’d be fine, but I’ve had jobs in the past where I was given low-level work (that was really out of scope for my role) and it seemed to impact people’s perception of me. I think maybe I seem deferential and that’s why I invite this sort of thing? Regardless, my boss wasn’t there and I wonder if I should ask him about it – what I was asked to do will interfere with the much higher level (and more interesting) work that I’m doing for him….but he also wants me to be helpful to this area, as they’re a partner of ours, so I don’t want to be seen as uncooperative. I was asked in a meeting and really didn’t know how to push back.
    In the past I’ve just done the work, thinking I didn’t want the play the ‘not my job’ card – but I think it may have harmed me. I’m sick of this sort of thing, and I wouldn’t have moved from my previous fairly satisfying job to this one if I knew I’d have to do this kind of grunt work, that may impact on top of that undermine how competent/authoritative I seem.

    Reply

    1. It seems reasonable to raise this with your boss. I don’t think your fears are unfounded.

    2. Can you delegate the task itself, but still oversee? Or suggest that approach to your boss?

    3. Yes, you should tell your boss and request an admin resource for the completion of the task. As I was transferring from middle management into a more leadership role, I struggled with this constantly until I realized the senior folks expect me to delegate / find resources rather than send out 100 pieces of paper myself. Now if someone asked me to take notes at a meeting that isn’t MY meeting, I’d state that I’m happy to share my notes but they will mainly pertain to my responsibilities regarding this project.

30. I’ve seen a lot of people comment about their success with intermittent fasting. Is it meant to be done everyday, or can you lose weight fasting only 3-4 days a week?

    1. I do it almost every day, mostly because I just don’t feel hungry in the morning. (I do 16:8). Try searching for Jimmy Kimmel’s diet online. He does a different version of IF, I think it’s one meal a day several days a week, and then eats whatever he wants on weekends.

    2. It is meant to be done everyday but it is also meant to adjust to the IF’ers needs. For example, I don’t do it on heavy lift days if I lift in the evening after the fast time would normally end. Also there are so many variations of IF (some people do two full 24 hr fasts, some people do OMAD (one meal a day), some people fast 14:10 or 16:8 to give themselves a fairly normal but limited eating window. For example, I do 8 to 6 on 14:10 days and 10 to 6 on 16:8 days. Some people adjust the window late or early if they prefer breakfast or dinner. The reddit for intermittent fasting is a good resource for this. And remember the point of IF is partially about calorie restriction, but primarily about getting to the “fasting” period, so try to eat close to your recommended daily calorie intake based on your fitness goals during that window. I actually am much more satisfied eating protein heavy 1200 calories in an 8 hr window than spread in small meals over the day.

    3. I do 24-hour fasts about every other day. I used the book Obesity Code to do intermittent fasting. I eat dinner every other day. I’ve never been a breakfast person so I’m just skipping lunch every other day. It works well for me.

31. I’ve had a couple J. Crew blazers in my cart for a few weeks, but they’re excluded from every promo that I’ve seen since I earmarked them (December-ish). Has anyone followed their promos closely since they relaunched their marketing tactics to know if I’m waiting for a never-gonna-happen code that includes suiting/blazers?

    1. From my own tracking… the Going-Out Blazer (aka JCrew 365 in-store) is ALMOST always excluded. I nabbed one for 50% off as part of the blitz of Black Friday-related sales. You may have better luck with a “buy X or more items, get X% off” promo rather than a flat discount like today’s 25%.

    2. Back in early October I got a suit and a going out blazer on promo (I think 30-40% off?), so it does happen.

    3. Following this. After seeing a ton of corporette recommendations for the Going Out Blazer I added one into my cart. Just waiting for a little bit of a discount now!

    4. I got a big discount on that blazer, but by the time I returned it, the promo was no longer offered.

32. I’ve been grocery shopping at Trader Joes and their 3/4 prepared items have been a game changer for lunch and dinners for the past few weeks. I’m referring specifically to their asian stir fry kit, pre-cooked lentils, frozen packs of rice, quinoa, etc… any other suggestions along this line to cut down my food prep time/effort? Does not have to be Trader Joes specifically, we also shop at Marianos and Whole Foods.

    1. Frozen pre-cut veggies like broccoli or I think they do a bell pepper medley too. I also like their seasoned cooked tofu (it’s next to the chicken sausage at my store), easy to add to stirfry or (yes I’ll admit) instant ramen.
       Also, frozen pre-cooked protein like the breaded chicken, meatballs (both actual meal and meatless), veggie burgers, shrimp.

    2. I really like the shredded Brussels sprouts that come with a bag of lemon vinaigrette (I think). Made it last night and topped with a couple of boiled eggs. I also like their various filled pastas (tortellonis?) – I throw some peas in the pot of water with them and then dress with some harissa olive oil and black pepper.

       Their frozen mashed potato nuggets are also surprisingly good – made from real potatoes. But heat them up in a pot, don’t microwave them, they’ll get gluey.

    3. The TJ’s precooked grilled chicken is a lifesaver for me. I can chop it and add to a salad for lunch or heat and make quick tacos/wraps for dinner. I’m talking about the kind in the refrigerated section, by the lunch meat.

       TJ’s roasted potatoes and peppers (in the frozen section, served together) are a quick breakfast or breakfast-for-dinner meal for me too, I just quickly scramble some eggs to eat along side.

       1. Those potatoes are also divine with a fried or poached egg on top.

    4. At Whole Foods I like the Severino frozen Italian meals (lasagna, eggplant, etc). Not sure if they’re regional, but it’s high quality and an easy dinner with a salad. I like the Tessamae’s green goddess crunch salad kit to go with it.

    5. TJs green chili enchiladas (not in frozen section, usually near chilled dips, pre cut grilled chicken). These are DELICIOUS and always have some in our freezer. We pair this with lots of things, but in a pinch we also have some Uncle Ben’s 90 second Spanish Rice on hand.

    6. We love the carnitas (grab some sweet corn and Cuban beans + frozen jasmine rice + mango salsa = magic), the roasted beef, the chicken (strips and breasts).

33. Have any of y’all done a good unconscious bias training thing? Now might be an opportune time for me to pitch one here, and I’d love to get recommendations for either a style of training, or a specific provider if you’ve worked with a good one.

    1. Training that focuses on identifying and calling out bias in co-workers is supposedly more effective than training that aims to have employees eliminate their own bias:

       https://www.npr.org/2018/05/17/611909506/starbucks-training-focuses-on-the-evolving-study-of-unconscious-bias

       1. Thanks for that!

          I’m definitely concerned because I’m an old-millennial, and I think it’s kind of a generational thing that I can say, “yeah, ugh, I definitely need to work on myself and my community because racism is insidious and everywhere!” whereas the dudes 15-35 years older than me are more in the “I! am! not! racist!” camp and/or the “come on we fixed racism already!” camp… so it’s hard to think of how it could really work, but… ugh. It’s so important.

          1. Also–I attended a great presentation on unconscious bias by Jerry Kang from UCLA Law. The presentation I heard was at an academic conference, and I don’t know whether he does training, but I thought I’d mention the name since I believe you are somewhere in SoCal.

             1. Oh thanks for the reference!

    2. There are a lot of validity concerns with implicit bias training (Google it). You might want to go a different direction for a training.

       1. I’m open! And yeah, I’ve read the things about how it just encourages people to say, “yeap, I sure am racist” (like that Project Q song) and leave it there, without fixing anything.

          But then… how do you convince nice folks who don’t think they’re racist that they can look at the things they do and assumptions they make and make those things… less racist?

    3. I did one a while ago that had various lightening round type quizzes that I recall being rather eye-opening for this millennial.

       We started with the tests, people told stories of implicit biases they had witnessed in their lives , and we discussed how to address them in ourselves and the world around us. (Can be found by looking up “Project implicit” by Harvard)

       The real life story/examples were very helpful in realizing how it happens right under our eyes. I still remember a powerful story about a cashier who asked a woman of color for her ID when paying with a credit card and when the white woman behind her presented her ID, the woman said ‘no you’re good’. From what I remember, it was something simple and the white woman calling out the cashier on this seemingly harmless act was a good lesson on how we can be allies.

34. A good friend’s mother just died. She was not close at all to her mother but of course it’s still very sad.

    Is it better to send flowers or a donation in the mother’s name to a charity that they designate? I will be sending a card of course. Or do I send something else?

    1. My sisters and I really appreciated the gifts to charity when our mom died. Flowers were nice but we had more than enough for the funeral, and then we didn’t really know what to do with them so we gave them to local nursing homes.

       I also appreciated the heartfelt cards I received.

35. I have a question about a bizarre situation with my therapist. I have been seeing her for about three years now and she’s always accepted my insurance. Recently she let me know that my insurance company was conducting an “audit” and had requested all records pertaining to me (and a couple of her other clients on the same insurance – but not all). The records they are seeking contain not only date/time/location/people present notations for each meeting, but also a summary of topics discussed, her assessment of my mental health status, roadblocks and obstacles, and other very specific information. She says this is unusual and she is looking into whether it’s possible to object. I’m shocked that this kind of audit is even a possibility, I feel like it’s hugely invasive and inappropriate and I’ve never heard of such a thing. I am also concerned of course because I get my health insurance through work, and I don’t necessarily want my work to know about my depression (and the fact that work causes it.) So has anyone ever heard of this? Is this even legal? What recourse do I have?

    1. There is some information on this topic on the APA website.

    2. Summary of topics discussed, assessment of your status??? That sounds like a HIPAA violation for anybody besides your therapist(s) to see that! I would take a long hard look at your insurance company. Have they been sued before?

       1. I think health insurers have a right to this information if they are paying for the services.

          It sounds like they have a nurse case manager working your case to reduce the cost.

          I had cardiac ablation surgery last year for an arrhythmia I was born with (SVT.) A nurse case manager kept calling me to talk about diet and exercise and heart healthy alternatives to surgery. It was super annoying because it was inapplicable.

          But she also asked how I was dealing with my depression. I said, “what depression?” And she said my chart showed that I had been treated for depression. The only time I’ve ever been treated for anything resembling depression was a conversation with my OBGYN about post partum anxiety, which lasted about 2 weeks. My daughter is 17 now.

          Big brother is real. But I don’t think it’s illegal, unfortunately

       2. I’m pretty sure the boilerplate you sign when you start with a new provider (including for mental health) includes something about sharing information with your insurance company.

    3. Hmmm, so I work in an adjacent field and it is *not* illegal for a health insurance plan to request medical records, including diagnoses, lab results, and notes. I would assume-but this is only an assumption- that the same is true for therapy as it is a treatment for ancondition you have.

       Insurance companies use it for care management, populationbhealth and/or risk adjustment purposes. There are laws in place from sharing but they can, at a high level, use the data to justify say, insurance premium increases with your employer (eg. If the entire population of employees has unmanaged diabetes, they could jack up premiums).

    4. This may have to do with making sure your reasons for therapy are properly billable. I was going to therapy to deal with infertility. My therapist explained that since it was causing me depression, she could bill my insurance. If it was more I can’t decide whether to do IVF or adopt and I need help making that decision but it wasn’t causing underlying medical problems for me, then it is not billable. If you read the fine print of your insurance you will likely find the same. So just “therapy to deal with stress” might not be billable but “therapy to deal with stress that is causing me anxiety” is. Therapists will often kindly pigeon hole your situation into a diagnosis so they can bill it and insurance companies are always looking for those that cross the line enough that they can call it fraud or a mistake and reverse it.

36. I’m a sixth year biglaw associate and have been offered an in-house position at a company that has a great workplace culture, nice people, with family friendly policies and benefits. It’s a dream job in many regards, but the only thing that’s holding me back is that it’s a more junior position and the comp is below market compared to other in-house positions I’ve interviewed for (less than biglaw first year salary before the bump). My plan is to take the offer, aim for a promotion in 1-1.5 years, or look for another in-house job at the VP level. Is that being too optimistic? Would I be putting myself at a disadvantage in a future job hunt by taking a more junior role in my first in-house position? I’ve asked about the growth path during the interview process and have gotten positive responses though of course nothing is guaranteed. In that regard, does anyone have any experience or advice regarding negotiating for a promotion one year into the job? Should I ask for a performance review at the mid-year point? Is there anything I can do now during the offer stage to put myself in a better position down the line? I appreciate any insight or advice.

    1. Hmm. I’m at my third year in-house, and I’m finally out earning what I made in my first year in biglaw. Admittedly, though, my trajectory was not as straight-through as yours. What I get in exchange for ‘less’ money (though objectively it is very decent money), is leaving the office at 5 every damn day, taking work home with me only a few times a month, people who genuinely care about my wellbeing, decent healthcare for the whole fam at no cost to me, subsidized daycare, a CEO who knows my kid’s name, access to educational opportunities, a job with far fewer emergencies, a boss I like, etc….

       I think that being really honest about the growth you want is key. That’s my hangup with my job here: I can’t really *go* anywhere in this company in the foreseeable future. I didn’t think about that when I started, and I worry that in 3 or 4 or 5 years I’ll start regretting that. But for now there is plenty to learn that litigating didn’t teach me.

       So IDK, that’s not really advice, but it is perspective. Hope there’s something useful in there for you!

    2. I just did something similar. I doubt I’ll get a promotion because my department has very fuzzy titles (basically something like “counsel” unless you’re GC or DGC), but I’m hoping to prove my worth and get a good raise after a year. A good friend who was less senior than I am when he went in-house was able to swing both (a better title and a sizable raise) after a year. And I figure that if it doesn’t work, and I’m not willing to stay for the pay (which is still good money), then I can job hunt while leaning on the in-house experience.
       My view is that in-house departments are all different in terms of title, experience, and responsibility. What matters is what you are doing. They often hire people 3-5 years out of law school so they don’t have to pay them too much to start, but if someone stays a long time, they’ll be doing basically that same job even after they build years of internal experience. It’s not like there is a first year who will come along and bump you up to second year, etc.

    3. Upward movement is harder in-house — it’s not like law firm life where every year you get a raise and a new “X year” status. Typically people don’t get promoted unless someone retires or resigns. For mobility later, titles are so all over the place company-to-company that people focus more on what your actual role is. So unless your proposed title is out of whack with your would-be peers, I’d focus more on the comp and actual responsibilities.

    4. I’ve been in house my entire career. My personal experience has been that legal departments don’t promote that often. You may get lucky and find yourself in a department that is the exception. But I had to move jobs to move up. I do think that the lifestyle and opportunity to advance (in general) is very good.

37. I could really use some advice. I’m a midlevel biglaw associate. I have been on maternity leave for 6 weeks and have another 12 to go. Our fiscal year ended September 30 and we have our annual evaluations in January where we find out if we will be getting a bonus for the prior fiscal year. I was just told today by HR that I will not be getting a bonus or salary raise. That can only mean one thing- I got a subpar evaluation (I know this bc I definitely hit the hours threshold for a bonus).

    The HR person told me I won’t get my evaluation until I return from leave which seems like BS to me. He said it’s stnamdard when you are on leave during evaluation season. Should I reach out to my assigned mentor and ask anyway? He didn’t give me a heads up about any of this which is pretty typical of our relationship. I feel blindsided. My review last January was mixed but I still got my full bonus. I had a mid year review in June or July where I was told I was doing well.

    Now I feel like I have to job hunt while on leave. My whole life feels like it’s in disarray now (On top of already feeling that way with a new baby, except without the amazing parts). I earn twice what my husband does. We were starting to look at buying a house but now I think we need to put that on hold. I don’t know what jobs to look for. I was planning to job hunt toward the end of next 2019 anyway because i knew I wasn’t going to make partner but now I have no idea what’s going on and if I need to move my timeline up. I’m not much of a networker and don’t know where to even start. I just want to cry but I’m trying to hold it together for my family. I feel like such a failure.

    1. This sounds like pretty catastrophic thinking. It’s always good to maintain our networks and see what’s out there and be hirable at any moment, but you don’t need to completely panic right now. Yeah, I wouldn’t buy a house right this moment, but put everything on hold and try to enjoy the rest of your maternity leave.

       Are you generally an anxious person or could this partially be PPD?

    2. You’re not a failure. It’s likely not personal. As you note, you weren’t up for partner, so they are likely thinking of transition planning and are guessing that they don’t need to provide a financial incentive for you to stay the next couple years while you are looking for a new job. Good news is that you don’t have to work while you’re starting your job hunt so you can get in baby snuggles while doing online searches for opportunities or messaging recruiters.

       Check into whether or not you have to repay any portion of your maternity leave if you leave sooner than one year back.

    3. Yeah, I agree that this is a bit of catastrophizing… but also, I see why it’s scary.

       First of all: You are NOT a failure. Neither the baby nor the husband love you because of your job or your salary. You are a good mom and a good partner, I am sure.

       Secondly: Is there any chance they’re screwing you over because of the pregnancy leave, kind of like that MoFo suit alleges?

       Third of all: Sometimes, if I can do it calmly, it can help for me to think out the worst possible scenario. Let’s say you return and then are fired two months later… I can’t imagine they’d fire a returning mom any sooner than that? And in my understanding biglaw tends to give a few weeks after they let you know so you can keep working and looking for something else… And then what? Do you have savings? How long could you rent for? Who could you lean on for help? Which mentors at your firm would be there for you? Really in that hypothetical you’re looking at starting to job hunt a few months earlier than you’d planned, right? I think that worst case scenario (in the realm of has-a-chance-of-happening), the outcome will not be dismal for you. It may very well suck for a while, but you can weather the storm.

       Fourth of all: My anxiety went through the roof when I was postpartum. It might be worth talking to someone about this. Either way, therapy can help you get a handle on these worries and make a plan of attack.

       <3 You've got this.

       1. Thanks, all of that makes sense. i will try to keep this in perspective.

       2. If my old biglaw firm wanted to fire someone within a few months of returning from mat leave, after a good mid-year review prior to mat leave, it would probably be paying a very nice severance package to make the associate go away quietly.

          I don’t know your firm or your state (maybe your firm is lead by particularly terrible people who don’t care if word gets out that they fire people for taking mat leave or you live somewhere where regulators/a jury wouldn’t care), but if it were me, I’d reframe to consider worst case to be extra paid maternity leave. (And start looking, but not with panic).

    4. Oof, that is really hard. It sounds like you’re not going to get much help from your assigned mentor and HR. (And BTW, I think what the HR person told you is probably correct – my firm wouldn’t do an evaluation of someone while they’re on maternity leave – we want them to focus on the baby and recovery). But if you are getting the vibe that things aren’t going well, then I do think you should start job hunting. And I don’t want to scare you more than you already are, but if you didn’t get a bonus or a raise, there is some chance they are actually planning to terminate your employment when you return, although that doesn’t sound consistent with your mid-year review.
       I’m sure you’re exhausted and emotional if you’re only 6 weeks post-partum, but I do think you should use some of your leave to start looking. It’s actually a good time, because you will have some downtime (especially with 18 weeks of maternity leave) and you can do interviews without people at work knowing, etc. I don’t have any specific suggestions regarding how to look for a new job, but I wanted to confirm that I think your instinct is correct. Good luck!

    5. My husband went through something similar during his bonding leave and it’s total bs (and I suspect the partner he worked for screwed him royally, because they announced his bonus & raise, then took it away), so I’m sorry– at the end of situation, he ended up leaving the firm. As someone above said, big law firms will generally give you a lot of time & $ to go quietly (in my husband’s situation- it amounted to about 6 months of full pay). It did take him about a year to find another job, and now that he’s been there a while, it ended up being alright… but totally get how stressful the entire situation can be. On a pragmatic side, I would save money in case you end up leaving. After every good review we’d pay off debt, then we’d save like crazy, knowing we’d have 6 months until the next review and potential lay-off. Big Law life– miss the money, but can’t say I’m not glad to be done with that stress.

    6. That sucks, but it sounds like this wasn’t going to be a great place to work as a parent anyway, so try to frame it as a blessing in disguise (albeit one with bad timing). I wasn’t in big-law, but I think it is typical for larger firms to give attorneys they force out a long lead time to find a new job. I was forced out of a medium-sized firm and they never even gave me an end date, they just told me to start looking (which I already was because I hated it there). I stayed for at least 3 more months and no one made one comment during that time. I would think you would have even more time because, for discrimination purposes, they wouldn’t want to be perceived as firing someone coming back right after leave.

       1. Further to “blessing in disguise,” a law school classmate of mine was actually fired from BigLaw while on maternity leave, and she went on to have the most amazing and distinguished career of anybody I know. Life is long and careers are long and you will be fine!

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