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This beautiful red blazer was listed in the “smart jackets” category on the Hobbs website, and the description feels very apt.
The fabric is a silk/linen blend that looks gorgeous in the photos, and everything about the tailoring, from the button placement to the slightly nipped-in silhouette, looks just perfect.
I would wear this with a pair of jeans or skinny pants in a casual office where you still want to project an air of authority. It would also look great layered over a sheath dress for a more formal setting.
The blazer is $208, marked down from $375, at Hobbs and comes in sizes 2–14. (Today you can get an extra 20% off all sale items!) (It's also available at Bloomingdale's but for $260.)
This jacket from Anne Klein (sizes 2–16) is a similar shade of red and is on sale for $83 at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon
The “layered over a sheath” means a sleeveless sheath, no? I have finally given up wearing any sort of sleeved dress with a jacket of any sort. Even short sleeves. I get cold, so a sleeved dress is nice. And sleeved dress + larger cardigan / topper item is . . . sort of a frumpy or mother-of-the-bride look, depending on fabrics.
I am not a hater of the A/C in summer, but all I need is for an indoor temp to be below 80 if it is humid out. When the indoor temp is in the high 60s, I feel like busting out the hot hands thingies I keep for winter camping.
Anon
I have narrow shoulders and relatively thin arms, but even so I find that blazer sleeves are cut very narrowly. Like to the point that there should be a wide-calf equivalent for sleeved blazers because I don’t know how how any person who is muscular (like a garden-variety swimmer) or just has relatively larger arms finds jackets to fit.
Add in how ruffled things have been over the last several years and IDK how you layer over anything. Back when we just wore button-down shirts, jackets fit OK over them, but so often I’d reach for a short-sleeved shell b/c the layered fabric tunnel of my arms got hard to move around in.
Anon
I lift weights and constantly struggle with finding blazers and dresses that fit my arms and shoulders, but don’t leave me swimming in fabric below the bust. I know that tailoring could help this but that kind of remodeling of a garment is expensive, and only worth it for certain items. It’s easier for me to find sleeveless tops and dresses and then wear softer/less structured knit blazers or cardigans on top. I also get overheated and have never felt all that comfortable in long sleeves over long sleeves, except in the dead of winter.
Anon
Also, I have no idea what colour sheath to wear with a red jacket. Black and blue look too severe. White or cream sheaths look very garden-party even with a red blazer.
amberwitch
I love red, yet hatebhigh contrast colour combinations, and spend an inordinate amount of time considering which colours to match. I’d go with either same family, like pink, orange, burgundy or soft neutrals like beige, brown, olive.
NY CPA
Black or navy would be totally fine. But if you’re not up for those, maybe a light to mid grey?
Anon
I have stopped wearing cardigans full stop over anything. They just scream frumpy to me. If it’s cold I wear sleeves.
Emma
but isn’t that hard in the summer when it’s a million degrees outside and freezing inside? I wear sleeves in the winter, but in the summer I need a removable layer.
No Face
I like open blazers for this purpose, but I have never met a cardigan that actually looked good on me. If you have cardigans you like, wear it!
Anon
I generally run warm so air conditioning doesn’t really bother me, but when I used to work at the office I kept a pashmina at my desk.
Anon
No sleeveless anything for me when it comes to layering. I refuse to have my bare armpits touching the inside of a blazer or cardigan. If that means looking a bit frumpy, so be it.
anon
Gah, I hate this, too. And yet it’s surprisingly hard to find shells that aren’t sleeveless.
Anon
So funny how we are all so different. I refuse to wear any sort of sleeve under a “third piece” (jacket, cardigan, etc). I can’t stand the sleeve bunching.
Anon
+1.
I’m not really a fan of sleeveless in the workplace and over time have culled all my sleeveless dresses. Too cold in air conditioning, I don’t like my armpits exposed and no sun protection when outdoors.
Anon
Does anyone have any links for learning about the “intrusive thoughts” aspect of anxiety and maybe anxiety generally? I don’t have a background of any sort in psychology and want to try to understand what a family member is going through.
[Also, I don’t know if anxiety is typically treated or how it is treated. I can’t imagine not treating something chronic like diabetes, but it seems that some families are of the “we are just all high-strung on this side” type. OTOH, I have allergies that are mild and throwing OTC allergy meds into the mix on high-pollen and mold days seems to be adequate; had my allergies had me taking a year off college, that would be worth escalating to real medical help.]
Anon
anxiety should be treated initially with regular therapy and potentially meds.
Veronica Mars
Anxiety and Phobias workbook by Dr. Bourne has a whole chapter on intrusive thoughts. Try not to judge. It’s not as simple as “whoops, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle and now I’m refusing treatment.” Or, “I’m chugging water and feel terrible, and whoops, looks like my blood glucose is out of whack and I’m refusing treatment for Type 1 diabetes.” Anxiety is insidious and there’s not an on/off switch. It’s programmed their entire brains and activities since they’ve been suffering. Even with treatment, it’s learning a whole new way of operating. And if you’re used to your own coping mechanisms, trying medication or treatment that makes you confront things you don’t want to is upsetting and difficult (and may not even result in a fabulous outcome).
Anon
Of course anxiety can and is treated by medications and doctors.
Anon
Some anxiety just isn’t really treatable. Others may disagree but I have been to various therapists, tried hypnosis, tried different meds and it is still something I struggle with. I am on a daily med which really helps the daily low level anxiety but I still have many things that cause me severe enough anxiety that I would like to take a benzo, but taking those that often is not safe. I have to limit those to my real phobias like flying.
Some things I just decline to do. Other things are important enough to me that I do them, anxiety be damned. Sometimes that goes well. Sometimes I’m white knuckling through. Sometimes I’m stepping out to take deep breaths alone somewhere.
I don’t think you can really understand irrational anxiety and panic until you experience. It’s not like oh I worry I won’t get to the airport on time. When it’s panic, it is total fight or flight — your body telling you that you have to leave the situation right now. Sometimes I can use the many coping skills I have been taught to try to get through it. Other times, I have to remove myself. Other times I can’t remove myself and I break down but survive.
My husband tolerated my anxiety well but didn’t understand it until he started having irrational panic attacks. Now he totally gets it. We are also able to talk each other through them now and find what may have triggered it so we can make helpful changes.
For example, I have unfollowed a bunch of news stations and police departments that I used to follow to stay informed. I was getting inundated w/ terrible car accident pictures that was not helping my travel anxiety.
anon
+1 to the you can’t truly understand anxiety until you experience it, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be empathetic and compassionate. Also, reading about every single manifestation of anxiety is not going to be a useful way to spend your time. What you should do is listen to your family member, believe them, understand that you will probably at some point thing they are being irrational but need to keep that your yourself, ask them what they need and what you can do to help (everyone is different and there may be nothing you can do), and definitely don’t judge them for not treating it (as you alluded to in your OP).
Anonymous
You seem more interested in judging than understanding. A huge part of how anxiety works is that your internal dialogue is constantly telling you that you need to just snap out of it, you should be able to handle this, everybody worries about the same things but others can just handle it better and you can too. And comments like yours comparing anxiety to just getting a prescription for allergy meds confirm all those fears. I hope you haven’t said something similar to your family member.
Anon
I will say that I married into a family where no one treats psychological problems and the results have been not good. Mental health and mental conditions are seen as shameful to talk about by many older generations and there was a reluctance to address. Also, a lot of conditions are life-long and aren’t really subject to getting fixed, but you still need professional help to manage them (like T1 diabetes). Winging it doesn’t work.
I think that there can be a constellation of related conditions under the anxiety umbrella and co-morbidities (like anxiety and depression, which I had thought would cancel each other out but somehow magnify each other in a bad way).
Finally, anxiety is almost a misnomer. It’s not mere worry (legit concern about likely things) but it seems to me irrational worry and sometimes incapacitating worry about unlikely things (take kids swimming in the ocean and they get carried out to sea and die and you die trying to save them and your other family members die trying to save you), so you never take your kids to the beach b/c of your feelings spiraling. That sort of thing (at least for some people I know).
Ellen
I was told that I had anxiety by Frederico, a hospital intern when I went to the ER for a cut I got in my apartment. I told him that the cut was not deep but that I was worried about it getting infected. He said after looking at it that it was not serious and would not require suttutres, but that he could check back with me in a day to make sure, after he wrapped it up. He knew I was not married b/c I had no ring on so he asked me for my number and he texted me the next day. I called him to tell him I had not taken off the bandages but that it still hurt. He said I was probably anxious but that he could take a look at it for me after work. I let him come over and he took off the bandages and said it was prograssing fine. He had stuff with him to rebandage it, so he did and said I should take the bandages off the next day and let it air out b/c it was getting all wrinkely and white. So I did what he said and called him to say it looked better the next day. He said he could stop by again later and he did. He agreed and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Whole Foods to get something to take out. I did and we got a couple of premade sandwiches which we ate at Carl Schruz Park. Frederico then said he wanted to date me, and I said OK. I hope I am doing the right thing b/c I am worried about telling Dad about him. Dad does not like me dating Doctors b/c of the disease factor, but this guy is 36 so he is not much younger then me. He also did not do anything s-xueal so far so he probably respects me for my mind and is not going to be to forward s-xually. What does the hive think? I think he has potential but am worried about telling the family just yet b/c everyone I date has something that irks someone, either dad, or Grandma Leyeh or Grandma Trudy. TIA for any insight the hive has had in dating ER doctors.
Anon
Randomly, if your kid is prone to panic attacks and you’re sending them camping with us, I’d appreciate some sort of head’s up for any situation I might find myself in where your kid may need something beyond a bit of TLC. As a person with no medical background, this is really scary to encounter and I feel like I should ask for camp-style medical forms from the next friend we take on a weekend backpacking trip.
Anonia
How awful for you AND the kid. I started experiencing panic attacks as a pre teen, and having adults who understood and could help was key to getting though them. They were even worse when the adults panicked too. This is definitely the kind of thing where the parent needs to let the in charge adult know, along with some ways to help the child handle as they are probably not old enough/experienced enough to work through it alone.
anon
CBT/DBT modalities of therapy are especially helpful for anxiety.
Anonymous
How do you deal with a friend who refuses to take simple steps to deal with regular problems in life? I have a friend who is experiencing the heat wave and she refuses to buy a window AC unit. It’s not a money thing, it’s not an environmental thing, but she just won’t do it (and they are still available in her area). She did the same thing during wildfire season a couple years ago, refused to buy an air purifier even though they were fairly cheap and available but then wanted to complain about the smoke all day long. Would you say to this friend that she doesn’t get to complain to you if she won’t take basic steps to solve the issue? I know this is partially my impatience, but I’m tired of listening to her complain about stuff that is super fixable. Another example that comes to mind was a few years ago when she complained that she did not have any appropriate shoes for a job interview but refused to go to the Target that was five minutes away from her house. She almost didn’t go to the interview until her sister and I insisted.
Anonymous
Absolutely! “Susie, you could solve this problem easily. Since you refuse to, I’m not listening to you whine any more.” Ive had friends say this to me!
Anon
+1 or “Susie, it doesn’t sound like you want a solution to your problem so good luck with whatever you do, or don’t do. Did you see the pitcher puke on the mound last night at the Yankee game? Ick!”
anon
+2 I have a three strikes rule with my friends. You’re allowed to complain about something three times if you are unwilling to do anything about it. After the third time, I shut it down.
Cat
I like to say “ok do you want a solution or are you just venting” – it usually causes the person to actually think about how their whining is coming across.
Anonymous
Is she depressed? Being overwhelmed by simple tasks can sometimes be a sign of depression.
anonymous
+1 or undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.
Anon
I used to live in an old building where I could have put in a window unit but we weren’t allowed b/c it would overwhelm the aging electrical wiring. So maybe this is your friend. If not, maybe pretend it is your friend.
And I bet today that there are no A/C units — maybe her sitting on the opportunity to buy let them go to aging people who can’t get out and who’d be more at risk. Maybe friend will go to a movie to chill.
Anonymous
Idk if this is a complaining-as-conversation thing or a learned helplessness thing but maybe getting to the root of the problem would help you empathize and be less frustrated. Some people just like to complain, they’re not actually that bothered by the thing they’re complaining about, they just don’t have anything else to talk about. If that’s your friend then just brush it off because it sounds like you’re more concerned about the problem than she is. She’s not looking for a solution she’s just chatting.
There could also be a deeper issue here, and if so, try to have some patience and understand that this is a price of admission with this friendship. I have a friend who has terrible taste in men and constantly complains about whatever loser she’s dating at the moment. She’s pregnant by the latest loser, so it looks like I’ll get to hear about this one until the end of time. I try to remember that she has a huge fear of abandonment that leads her to cling to guys who repeatedly demonstrate she’s not a priority. I have urged her to get counseling but she’s not interested. I focus on her good qualities, that she’s an amazingly supportive friend who is always there for me in good times and bad, and if this is the tax I have to pay to have her in my life then so be it.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think you’re right. I need to focus on her good qualities and just remove myself from the situation when the complaining gets to be too much. Thanks all for the responses.
Anon
Maybe she’s one of those people who complains about problems in the hopes that people will not only suggest solutions, but will physically help her out; like maybe she was hoping someone would offer to go with her to pick out a AC and help put it in the window; maybe during wildfire season she was hoping a friend would invite her to stay with them for a bit; maybe for the shoes, she was hoping a friend would lend her shoes or go with her to Target to help her pick out shoes.
Now, I’m not saying this because I’m that person – quite the opposite, I try to be very self reliant and I’m the person who likes to vent, and doesn’t want her venting to be interpreted as a passive request for help. I wish people would ask for the help they need, but at the same time I get that people are sometimes embarrassed to ask, or feel it’s rude to impose, hence hoping for people to offer help.
What does this mean for you? You could ask “Jane, are you looking for suggestions? Are you looking for help? Or are you just venting? Because I like problem solving and I’m willing to help to some degree, but it’s hard for me to listen to people vent about problems that seem fairly fixable.”
Anon
It depends on how much I care about the person, but if I do care about them (or if they’re one of my mentees at work) I may ask a question like “I know this bothers you a lot because you’ve told me about it in frustration every time we have talked this week. To me as an outsider, it seems like there are several perfectly good solutions like xyz, but you don’t seem to want any of those. Is there a reason why?” I find that this helps people get to the root of their own self defeating behavior in a way that telling them things doesn’t quite. You don’t have to go super deep in conversation here- often friend will just be like oh! I don’t know I never thought of it that way, and I just drop it. Often they’ll come back later saying they’ve thought about it and have had some breakthrough or something. It’s an approach that probably requires some willingness to engage a bit if they want to, though.
Anon
OMG I am married to this person. Asks about things a million times vs using his words to say “I don’t want to do X.” Instead, he will ask A, B, and C if THEY are still comfortable doing X.
Nesprin
Buy her an AC unit.
That is if you really want her to stop whining and she’s unwilling to do so herself and you care about your friend/have the ability to do so
Anon
God no, please don’t do this. My mother is like this. Learned helplessness, refuses to take care of tiny issues until they turn into big issues. I am the oldest daughter and I have been solving these problems for her since I was a preteen because it made me so uncomfortable to be around constant complaining and worrying. I am now in my mid twenties and she still expects me to do everything for her (her taxes, moving snow tires into storage, filling out forms for a PPP loan). I have completely cut her off because it isn’t my job and it has begun to ruin our relationship. All this to say, please don’t help people like this if it isn’t an emergency situation. It isn’t helping them in the long run and it will breed resentment. I think a better solution is to call it out like people have mentioned above.
anon
+1. This is my mom and our relationship is terrible because of how much babysitting she requires. I told her that if she can’t behave like a competent adult who is of sound mind and body, then perhaps we should look at assisted living facilities. She hated that lol
Anon
I feel like your friend is a complainer and you are a fixer. She just wants to complain. She doesn’t want it fixed.
I am a fixer and I find complainers so frustrating!!!
Anon
I used to work with a woman like this. My work group all hung out together so she was impossible to avoid, and she dominated conversations with her complaining.
We were all in an entry level program where we rotated to new areas and managers every year. So for the first year her boss was Greg. She complained every single day, rain or shine, about what a horrible manager Gary was. I was not looking forward to working for Gary when I rotated there! After the rotation, I was now working for Gary and she was working for Andrew. One day I said “I see what you mean about Gary now!” And she said “you’re so lucky to work for Gary, Andrew is the worst!”
Another example, she hated her car and felt shr couldn’t afford a new one. The entire group was encouraging her to get the car she wanted, which was a cute little car (think Cooper Mini), some people even helped her find good deals on it. She talked about it all the time, how jealous she felt when she saw someone else driving one, how much easier it would be to park at her apartment, etc.
When she finally got it, everyone thought she’d be so excited about and we were all asking “how is it? Do you love it?” And she said …. “I can’t believe how small the trunk space is. I went to the grocery store and I had to put the groceries on the seats! It doesn’t fit anything! And I’m so low to the ground! It’s the worst!”
She just loved to complain, basically. In hindsight, I think it was how she got attention. She liked the attention from people trying to help her with her problems, so if the problem got fixed, she’d just find a new one.
Anon
*haha I see one place I forgot to change Greg to Gary … ok his name was Greg! Sorry!
Anon
For adult acquaintances with sufficient resources who don’t solve their own problems, I’ve learned to just let it be and not think of their problems as my responsibility. It’s really hard when it’s something like cooling on a very hot day, but a) this problem is not unexpected; b) me stepping in once doesn’t really solve their problem and I don’t have capacity to manage other people’s lives on an ongoing basis; and c) there are immediate temporary solutions that don’t involve me (community cooling centers, etc.).
However, if it’s a good friend who just complains a lot, please kindly let them know it’s not ok. I grew up in a family where complaining was the bulk of conversation and connection and I didn’t know any better until I was embarrassingly far into adulthood. I’m so grateful I was told to knock it off.
Anon
no one told me house hunting would be so tiring/emotionally exhausting. starting to think we should just stay in our rental forever
Anonymous
You’ll get there! Everyone finds it emotional and exhausting.
Anon
Historically, a lot of families won’t move once the school year has started, so even if this is not your demographic, may result in a bit of cool-down in the buying frenzy. You don’t need my permission to take the rest of the summer off and hate-watch HGTV, but you do have it :)
Marie
House hunting is literally a part time job that you will end up paying a good chunk of your life savings toward if you are good at it.
Cornellian
haha 100%
Senior Attorney
So true!
Anon
Genuine question but why are you looking now during the hottest market? Do you have to move? If not, wait a bit – things are at an all time high and frenzied pace. Even if they don’t go down, it should level off at some point.
Anon
As an anecdote I just went under contract for a house and my realtor was ASTONISHED there were only 2 offers that came in on it. She thinks everyone got vaccinated, stopped watching HGTV and went to the beach so the market (NOVA) has cooled off. So things may be returning to normal.
Anon
I feel like that is also this board today. Yay — people back at the beach!
Anonymous
I’m sorry it’s tough for you. I (weirdly?) found it to be so fun and exciting. I even enjoyed selling our current house – getting ready for showings, decluttering, cleaning, hearing feedback. We’re renovating a new house now and that’s the most fun of all. I always think two things wrt real estate:1. This house is always for sale (I’m not married to it, Or so emotionally attached that I would make a poor financial decision) 2. When buying, decision is important but not usually irreversible. Good luck.
Anon
I found it fun and exciting too but we were lucky enough to find a house we loved on our first house-hunting trip to our current city, and we got the house and everything proceeded smoothly with the inspection so I know we had a smoother experience than many. We also renovated our current house before moving in and I loved that process too. Most of it was standard things like upgrading finishes but I drew a sketch of what I wanted for a kitchen island and our contractor brought it to life so it feels very personalized and I absolutely love it and am very confident I won’t leave this house unless/until I have to move into nursing care when I’m very old.
Aunt Jamesina
I think there are (at least) two types when it comes to real estate. Type one is like you (and my aunt and uncle, who are like this to the nth degree: they buy a new house every 3-5 years, do renovations and redecorate, then move on. I would hate it, but it’s a fun hobby to them). Type two is me. I seriously hate moving and quickly became emotionally attached to this house (although I would of course move if a true need arose).
No Face
I hate buying/selling houses and so does my husband. We like owning our home though!
Anonymous
I hate buying, selling, and owning a house. I might like it if the house were brand new and not falling apart.
No Face
I know several people that moved from houses to condos after they realized they do not like maintaining a home.
Anonymous
The only thing I would enjoy less than maintaining a home would be dealing with a condo association!
Anon
It’s super exhausting. I have done it three times in my life and it doesn’t feel like it gets any easier. You just have to be patient, and take breaks if needed. I made several offers in the spring that I lost (even worse, they tell me I’m second each time) so I took a break and stopped going to showings because the anxiety was wrecking me. Then I happened across a listing on redfin that had been sitting around more than two weeks (that’s rare here, houses go on pending within one weekend). Turns out it was overpriced and by the time the seller reduced the price people have moved on to newer pastures. Now I’m waiting to close on it. Hang in there and good luck!
Anon
This is sort of what I did; I put a bid lower than the asking price on a house I and my realtor thought was overpriced. And even though the appraisal came in higher than my bid, I still think that I paid too much (since I think the appraisal was based on other temporarily inflated sales). But I didn’t want to go through another fall/winter in a tiny apartment that was designed for two adults working from home! And I didn’t want to triple my rent to make that happen, which is what would have been needed. I have mixed feelings since it’s still a very small home, but I’m hoping the desirable location means I won’t actually lose money!
Mal
Totally felt the same after many offers falling through, but then the next house we looked at was the one that worked out. Telling you this to say that if we had known what the market was like going into this, we probably wouldn’t have done it! It’s rough right now. And we got really lucky. If any friends asked me my opinion now I’d probably tell them to wait till things cool down. If that house hadn’t miraculously worked out we’d still be renting.
anomanomanom
I think people have one of two experiences house hunting much like dating:
1. they go to a bunch of showings and open houses, find a house they love, put in an offer and it is accepted. House hunting is fun!
2. they put in offers on 5 places they are excited about, lose all of them, finally get one accepted, start getting excited and house has massive issue uncovered in inspection and seller will not budge so have to back away, put in 5 more offers on houses they think are reasonable (no longer super excited), lose all of them, finally find a house after months of this that is acceptable and they get an accepted offer on. House hunting is emotionally draining and exhausting.
Anonymous
Funny and so spot on!
Senior Attorney
If you think you’re stressed out now, wait until you are in escrow! ;)
MagicUnicorn
Any favorite brands for womens trouser socks? I’m usually barefoot in loafers all summer, but sometimes want fabric between me and my shoes. Previous purchases have been from the generic clothing aisle at the local supermarket/dept store and are so thin they look worn out even when brand new, too tight at the top, and plain boring solid colors.
Anonymous
So all the things you described are the essence of trouser socks. It’s like you’re asking for a hip current beige half slip or a modern hairnet.
Anon
Smartwool! They are also a great answer when Great Aunt Ethel asks what she can get you for your birthday/Christmas.
AnonATL
+1. My husband bought a batch recently on Sierra Trading post. Lots of fun colors if you want to be jazzy or basic neutrals.
Anna
I really liked the socks I bought from Muji for this! Good quality, stayed on well, didn’t slide off
Shelle
I’ve bought cute socks at Ann Taylor. They were more than I was used to paying for socks but they have held up.
Digby
Look at Hue socks – Macy’s used to have a decent sock selection, with a wide variety of colors/patterns. Talbots usually has some socks – some colorful/whimsical, but usually a few that would be okay for work.
Curious
Gold toe!
Anon
Compression hose are the most old lady Un-hip things ever, I am acknowledging that up-front. But, they are not too short on my long shins, they don’t punch at the top, and they make your legs feel better at the end of the day. I wear them for transcontinental flights, which I used to do weekly, as I promised my doctor I would do so. I rarely wear them when not flying, but I admit that I find them so comfortable, I have occasionally worn them with work pants when my legs were cold. I have “nude” and sheer black.
Anon
Italian hosiery brands. I bought Levante trouser socks cheaply at a department store closing down sale and they are still in perfect condition after years of wear. Since then I’m happy to pay full price for more pairs. Beautiful fit and thin enough not to make shoes feel tight, if you are used to sizing for your bare feet.
Anonymous
Talbots or Hue
Cora
How much is it normal to like/dislike your job?
I used to work in the public sector, and switched to a private sector job in the same industry about 6 months ago. The work is fine (kinda similar), I get along with my coworkers, although not as much with my boss. There are no problems, we just don’t have personalities that would make us friends or anything. Even for the projects I do think are interesting, there are almost no days when I wake up motivated for work, and when well-meaning friends or family ask “how was work today” no days when I want to answer anything stronger than “fine”.
It’s just fine. I do have a flexible schedule. We are WFH right now, which I hate, so that could be a part of it, planning to go into the office by the fall. Salary is solid for my field, more than I was making before. There is a lot to life outside of work, and I am enjoying all that, but its just a bummer for such a chunk of my day to be bleh.
anon
I feel the same way. I don’t hate my job, but I don’t love it either. It’s fine. I’m not as burned out as I was a few years ago; however, my will to care has also drastically decreased in that same time period. IDK what to do with this information. I feel like I’m too young (40) to have this much career-related malaise. There’s really nothing I’d rather do instead.
Anon
I feel the same way. Before the pandemic I genuinely enjoyed my job. I mean I didn’t LOVE it, it wasn’t my great life passion and I had some angsty feelings about it not using my advanced degrees, but it was a pretty pleasant way to spend my days and I genuinely enjoyed going to the office most days. But I got a new manager right at the start of the pandemic, the nature of my work shifted a bit with that change in management, I have to deal with an unpleasant customer much more directly now and I haaaaate WFH and unlike you I don’t have a return date to the office. I wouldn’t say I hate my job now, but it’s pretty unpleasant. I’m sticking it out for now because I only have to work 40 hours a week (less, honestly, especially with WFH) and although we could live comfortably off my husband’s salary, my (modest) salary allows us to save a lot more and take a lot of nice vacations. Plus I like the financial independence in case my husband and I were to divorce. But I’m definitely think about quitting a lot more than I used to.
anon
Seconding. My mentality for the last couple of years is that I work to live, not live to work. I don’t care what I am doing as long as I can live with it personally from a moral/ethical perspective and it’s mildly interesting. I don’t need to save the world at work bc I do that stuff in my personal time. I feel the way about the company I work for in the way that I expect it cares about me – I am a number and can be terminated at any time and it is just a job/company that I can quit/leave whenever I want to.
My job looks very interesting and fairly pretigious on paper, but in reality I professionally babysit a lot of adults. Sometimes the work is interesting, some times it’s boring AF. I have good hours, good pay, ok benefits, and reasonably good coworkers (and soon a better boss). It’s FINE.
Cora
Yeah it’s mildly interesting and I can live with it from a moral perspective. Maybe I need to ramp up my “saving the world” outside of work. Maybe chilling out and doing social things etc is not filling the void for me
anon
I do a combination of things ranging from writing letters to hospice patients to volunteering at the food bank. From a work perspective, I also am the lead for our community grant program. Perhaps you can explore those types of things in both your work and personal life?
Making meaningful contributions in my local community is way more important to me than helping the giant public company I work for sell more widgets (selling is not my job, but you get the idea).
pugsnbourbon
I am an older millennial and I think we got told too many times to chase our “dream jobs.” Is it amazing to have a job that’s interesting, pays well, has a great schedule, and lets you work with fascinating people? Of course it is! Is it also great to have a job with just a couple of those things? Also yes.
I used to be in an all-consuming job that I loved/was passionate about. I’m in a much less-exciting role now but I’m actually happier. I have more time to volunteer and I have more mental bandwidth for hobbies. It took some time to reflect and think about what I really wanted professionally and personally. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m getting there.
Cora
Idk if I’m happier in the less exciting role I guess. I have stuff I wanted when I was in the all-consuming job, like time to go to the gym and meet friends and date, and I think those things make me happy in the moment but perhaps less fulfilled overall.
The area I was working in is also like the hobby I’m most interested in in general and I miss being involved in it or even talking about it a lot. We have an in person conference coming up that I’m attending and I’m so excited
anon
Yup. I’m a Xennial and I completely bought into the idea of a dream job. Now my dream job is one that lets me have time with my kids, doesn’t mentally drain me all the time, lets me do something I’m at least moderately good at, and where the people are pleasant enough. Work is work.
I have also found that I get a lot more gratification out of the manual work that most people consider drudgery, like cleaning, organizing, and gardening/lawn work. At least when I’m done, I have something tangible to show for my efforts. I rarely feel that way when I finish one of my job assignments.
Cora
I also get a lot of satisfaction from manual work like cleaning for the same reason – when I’m done there is something to show for it. My therapist said to try and find tangible outcomes at work too, instead of “slogging through this project”, which would be good but is hard.
anon
Co-sign. I’m also an older millennial who chased my dream job and am now doing something less exciting but still somewhat interesting. Turns out that, for me, working with nasty people or insanely long hours drowns out a good bit of the happiness I got from doing work I cared about and which interested me and was putting me on the “path” I wanted to be. It’s one thing to go hard for goals like this when you’re in school and you still have a built-in social life, time to take care of yourself, summer/winter breaks, etc. It’s another thing to work a job as an adult, day in and day out for years and years, when it chokes out your spare time, mental bandwidth for everything else you love in life, ability to prioritize your health, ability to date and make new friends, etc.
I still go back and forth sometimes, though. I’ll wonder if I can really do something “meh” for the next 25 years, whether I’m missing out or selling myself short. I recently had the opportunity to apply for another job in my dream field which would have required terribly long hours and I couldn’t stomach the thought of that because of what it would require me to give up (hobbies, travel, friends, relationship, sanity, boundaries), even though it would have been a pay bump and let me transition back to my previous field. So, I think that I’m on the right path.
Anonymous
It’s all about perspective. I think work is kind of like dealing with airports – I tolerate it because it gets me where I want to go, but the definition of a “good” flight is an uneventful one. Even if I upgrade to business class, the best possible flight I can have, dealing with airports is still uncomfortable. I’m never going to be like omg that was the best experience everrrrrr my life is so much more fulfilling for having taken that flight!!! Of course, I have a friend who LOVES airports, it’s like going to an amusement park for him, and I think that attitude is about as common as people who love work.
Anon
I think this is probably how most people feel about their jobs honestly. A “dream job” is a myth.
Senior Attorney
Completely agree.
Also I feel like right now we are still in weird-pandemic mode so it’s not really the time to be evaluating anything because this is not the actual status quo.
Anon
I think you need to give it time. 6 months is still pretty new, you won’t have formed the deep relationships and friendships that make work fun yet. You also are still in pandemic work mode. I’d let things get back to normal and give yourself some time to adjust. Fine right now is pretty great.
HW
I feel the same way, I think it’s normal.
Anonymous
Sometimes, esp through covid winter months, I told myself “at least I’m not digging in a coal mine.” But just on bad days. Otherwise I like my job very well, keep it separate from any other part of my life, and view it as something I need to be a productive member of society.
Also I’d probably get depressed without a job.
Anon
One thing that caught my eye is that you used to be happy in public sector but you’re not happy in private sector.
I’m the kind of person who’s just motivated by the bigger picture / greater-than-self aspect of public sector work. When I’ve done private sector work – even in my field – I really don’t enjoy it. It’s bad to say, but I literally couldn’t have cared less about my private sector employer making money or selling widgets or serving whatever customer – that’s just not the way I’m wired – the only thing that kept me going at those jobs was internal self-respect about doing a good job. I really am one of those idealistic, Change The World types – even at an age when most people have had it beaten out of them ha. I’ve been fortunate to find a dream job where I get to satisfy that Change The World itch with private sector pay (think advising the government in my field) and I frequently say that wild horses couldn’t drag me away from this job. I think the world needs idealistic, Change The World types, so embrace that if that’s who you are!
anon
I need a new pair of office-appropriate sandals. It’s been so long since I’ve bought a pair that I’m not even sure what’s current or would elevate basic work outfits. What’s everyone buying? I can do a small amount of lift, but I do not want anything that could be considered heeled!
Anon
I feel like I see a lot of Tory Burch sandals in my office (and Jack Rogers), but maybe that’s just b/c I can easily ID them as such. But they are flat and of the sort of “looks OK at a baby shower or summer wedding variety.” I’m not sure that any sandal is a true office shoe, but I wear the faux-sneaker Eileen Fisher sandals b/c IDGAF any more outside of Important Meetings In Person, which I may not have until the fall.
anon
I like how you think. Professional footwear has LONG been a pain point for me, and post-pandemic, I’m not sure I care as much about blending in. Like I’ll wear the office-appropriate clothes, but I’m sick of buying shoes that are only meh in the comfort and looks department.
Anonymous
Branded sandals like Tory are super cheugy.
Senior Attorney
Haha I just learned a new vocabulary word.
Also couldn’t agree more.
No Face
I also DGAF and wear Birkenstocks to the office now. I keep a pair of loafers in my desk in the off chance a client comes in. I am so comfortable!
Anonymous
I knew our office had devolved from business-ish casual to anything goes when I went back in for the first time since March of 2020 and saw my senior male colleague wearing his Birks without socks. In the Before Times, he used to wear them with black socks Monday – Thursday and with white socks on casual Fridays.
Anon
That made me laugh :)
anon
This is hilarious.
pugsnbourbon
Merrell has some surprisingly cute sandals. Also check out Sorel.
Mal
I really like my Cole Haan Anica sandals – comfy and have elevated details that seem dressier to me.
anon
I like these! I may see if Zappos has a couple of sizes to try.
Mal
Great! I actually get mine on eBay for super cheap.
Of Counsel
You might want to take a look at the Cole Haan website. They are having a sale on their sandals. And I think you get free shipping if you sign up for their emails.
Anonymous
I just saw some great sandals on Madwell’s website wtih a closed toe.
Anon
Biglaw friends — is it normal to be able to announce that you are just going to be working half-days from the beach for the next two weeks? Or is this the new normal?
Anon
Ex-biglaw, and I would consider doing this without telling anyone, but 2 weeks seems like a long time to me.
Emma
+1 (current biglaw midlevel). I have occasionally taken half days off without saying anything to anyone and no one really cares, but announcing half days at the beach for two weeks would be a little tone deaf at my firm.
Anon
Did the pandemic really change Big Law culture that much!?! I left in 2016 but this is wild to me.
Anon
My guess is: newbies who started remotely don’t get how tone-deaf this is. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be fun if this continues.
Anonymous
Ummmm what?
An associate in my office moved to the beach during the pandemic for her husband’s (in person) work. The partners assumed she was hanging out on the beach all day and not working. Despite her 200+ hour months. It’s regularly cited as one of the reasons we need to force associates to come back to the office. So I would say no, unless maybe you’re a rainmaker, but they only work half days in the summer anyway and never feel the need to tell anyone.
No Face
This drives me crazy about law firms. You see the billable hours! You know how much she’s working! It is the only good thing about billable hours!
anon
Seriously. I never understand how a firm can perceive someone who is billing 200 hours to be not working because of where they’re located, but credit someone who bills 100 hours as a hard worker because he stays in the office until 6:30 (after rolling in at 10 and disappearing for lunch).
anon
This is highly context dependent. Is the person an associate? A partner? Is the person in a practice area where they have a lot of deal work/unpredictability, or something more variable?
When I was a senior associate/junior partner in biglaw, I took vacations where I worked half days, but I didn’t broadly announce it bc it felt like putting the burden of remembering my working hours on other people. Instead I just scheduled all my calls for the morning and blocked my calendar in the afternoon. I kept an eye on email in the afternoon, but generally managed to be off. Picked back up in the late afternoon/evening to deal with anything emergent that came up during the afternoon. But I ran my own practice from the time I was a fifth-year so it was really my decision to make – and I did this at times when things were typically slow (Fourth of July week, Thanksgiving week, Christmas week).
NYCer
+1. Totally depends on the context, but overall, I do not think it is that weird. I assume if something comes up, the person in question would work in the afternoon anyways.
anon
Definitely not where I am. I might just do this if I was slow but certainly wouldn’t announce it. I also have never heard of attorneys taking a half-day. You’re either on vacation or not on vacation.
Marshmallow
Depends on the messaging. If the message is, “I’m taking vacation but will make myself available in the mornings as necessary,” yes I have seen this done and am planning to do the same thing. If the messaging is, “I won’t be taking vacation days and I’m just helping myself to half days,” no. Is this a vacation that the person wants to take but realistically knows it would be interrupted by work, so they are trying to be a team player and make themselves available?
Anon
Isn’t that sort of the equivalent of taking a 1 week vacation? If his/her workload doesn’t allow a 2 week vacation, working half days for 1 week may be the way they get to join the family on vacation.
Anonymous
not Biglaw but I work closely with hospital CFOs and over the past 3 weeks I’ve had several meetings where the CFO straight up says they are on vacation and taking the call from the beach.
Anon
Where I work, you don’t get to announce your vacations, period. You discuss with your team. You plan a ways out (definitely > 2 weeks) for anything I’d think more than taking off a F or a M. You put it on our availability chart (so if someone senior will be out, others on the team need to be available). A lot of people put an OOO on people’s calendars so that you can track availability during peak vacation times or peak demand times. It’s always known except for emergencies (a woman’s kids got into a wreck on a camp bus and obviously she needed to travel suddenly and would I hope not be trying to work then), but emergencies happen. Working from the beach is not an emergency. This is a huge deal in December every year and I feel like some new kids wrote their exit ticket very early by handling their preferred breaks poorly. Suddenly announcing what you are doing seem a bit flouncy to me.
The more junior your are, the more of a discussion it needs to be.
anon
This sound awful.
Anonymous
What is awful? This seems to be how vacations work when not everyone can be out at once.
I know someone who works where they pick 2 weeks to shut down and essentially pick your vacation for you.
anon
I don’t save lives and it’s my boss’s job to figure out staffing issues, not mine. I earn my PTO and I take it when I want. I don’t have to ask permission to use it. I do tend to check whether there will be at least one person in our group who will be in the office when I am on vacation, but otherwise, it gets put on the calendar with a cc to my boss without any discussion. It would drive me nuts to have to consult with a full tema about when I can take my earned PTO.
NY CPA
Agreed from my big 4 public accounting workplace.
Anon
What an awful place to work.
Anonymous
This sounds typical at all workplaces I’ve ever worked. Some times you can’t be away voluntarily for work reasons. Some times, you can but it has to be managed so everyone isn’t out at once. If you are busy at month-end or quarter-end, that isn’t a good time to plan. Also, not everyone can take off the week of Labor Day. How is this news?
Anon
“You don’t get to announce your vacations, period.”
Let me tell you, that is not the norm everywhere. I have never, ever worked in a place with that kind of culture. Taking real vacations is good, buying in to the belief that you have to work, work, work all the time is bad and not normal.
Anon
I don’t see it as either-or. Everyone can have vacations, but not simultaneously. Better ask before you put down the non-refundable deposit. Also, know your workplace — 1 week might be OK, but 2 concurrent weeks in the summer may be a bridge too far.
Anon
Highly dependent on the firm, circumstances, whether you are on target to meet or exceed your billing requirement, and whether “half days” means you are still billing 5 hours a day. Also on whether this was genuinely just “announced” or whether permission was obtained from someone in a position of authority. I cannot imagine any law firm where you could just announce as an associate that you were going to take that much time off without clearing the dates.
I once finished a brutal 4 week trial, went to my boss (completely exhausted and burned out) and got permission to take 10 days off with the caveat that I would be checking my email and voicemails regularly and keeping up on important communications. That turned out to be 2-3 hours a day and i worked on the flight both ways (another 10 hours). But I am sure it seemed to my fellow associates that I just “announced” I was taking 2 weeks off and they had no idea how much I worked while I was gone.
Also Spain was awesome and the time difference meant that a couple of hours early in their morning and/or a couple of hours at their bedtime + checking emails at lunch was plenty and did not interfere with my vacation. Last minute fare sale for the win!
Anon
I see you work with my former colleague Sarah. She announced about three months into her first year that she would be leaving midday Wednesdays to travel to the Cape with no traffic and would be WFH on Thursday and Friday. What this really meant was that her email response time was 2-3 hours on Th and F and she didn’t work Wednesday afternoons. It was ballsy.
Anon.
And what does Sarah do now?
Costco
If you have a Costco membership, what grocery/food or household items do you regularly purchase there? Spouse and I are moving, and our new place is just a five-minute drive from Costco, so we’ll likely sign up for a membership.
Anon
Dog food, Diet Coke, pesto, tortellini, Aleve, batteries, lightbulbs.
I do the vast majority of my food shopping at a local co-op, but if it wasn’t around, my Costco trips would be bigger.
Mrs. Jones
Paper goods: wipes, TP, paper towels, kleenex. And contact lens solution.
Anonymous
We don’t have a lot of storage space (small home) so we only buy from Costco things that we eat a LOT of and that are much cheaper there, compared to normal stores. For us this shakes out generally as: peanut butter, olive oil, red pepper flakes, cinnamon, peppercorns, black beans, Dave’s bread, beer/wine, PB-stuffed pretzels, applesauce pouches, and string cheese. I think we pay for our membership on PB and olive oil alone, honestly. Their shampoo and conditioner (Kirkland brand) are also great.
More specific to our family, we also get baby formula there.
Anonymous
Cat food, tofu, peanut butter, laundry detergent, dish soap, toilet paper, toothbrush heads, fresh buns, beyond sausages, spinach, spring rolls, lentils, rice, cans of beans, sachets of premade curry, margarine, cashew cheese, ketchup, frozen fruit and veggies, boullion paste, vanilla, chocolate chips, cliff bars …. I get a lot at Costco. I’m sure there are many things I’ve forgotten.
Quail
We have two adults and two kids. We buy almost all our meat there, portion it out, and freeze in our chest freezer. We freeze a lot of stuff, including bread, and often cook dinner entirely from the freezer. Otherwise – bread, paper goods, contact lens solution, frozen vegetables and fruit, coffee (we go through a TON and prefer to grind our own beans), cheese, granola bars, fizzy water. The key is have a list, know what you will actually consume (most types of produce at our store don’t come in quantities we can consume even with two adults & two kids, but YMMV), and never buy a new thing at Costco unless you sample it and love it, or already consume that brand/product regularly (I’m looking at you, impulse purchased quinoa packets that sat for ages in our pantry).
Today I am going there for champagne, clif bars, and frozen mixed vegetables. I want a prize if I leave there with only those three items.
No Face
Seltzer (normal and boozy), fish, milk, eggs, butter, kid foods, snacks, paper goods, OTC meds, premade deli meals when I don’t feel like cooking. Also random miscellaneous stuff like electric toothbrushes.
Anonymous
Organic meats, olive oil, canned tomatoes and tomato paste, fresh produce, rice, pasta, various running related snack foods for DH, Kirkland paper towels, toilet paper (not Kirkland brand), deli meats and cheese (good international selection), shampoo for DH, razors for me, garbage bags and recycling bags.
We tend to do 2-3 dry good restock trips a year. And then every second week for groceries. Best fresh produce section in our city.
anonshmanon
The produce is usually very good quality at my Costco. The challenge is to be strategic and get what you can use up (I can use up 2lbs of mushrooms, I can not use up several lbs of garlic). We also buy granola bars, I love the rolls and the danishes, canned fish, beer, coffee beans, TP, flour, grilling sausages, peanut butter and nutella and nuts there regularly. Once a year they have huge boxes of stroop waffels.
PolyD
Yep, produce is much better at Costco than my local stores. I find with WFH, I can go through a lot of produce, mostly fruit. My Costco treat is raspberries, I eat those the first couple of days after I get them. I get bananas and eat one of those for breakfast every morning. I find that their grapes last pretty long, as do the blueberries if I rinse them in a solution of 1:3 vinegar and water, then let them dry before putting them back in the fridge. I also like them frozen, and if you dry them first you get individual berries instead of a mushy frozen mass.
I like the kale salad kit and can eat that before it goes bad. Their tubs of spring mix also last a surprisingly long time. Broccoli also lasts, although it’s best if you can get the kind that comes in the bags that have a paper “vent” thing on them. The only thing that really didn’t last for me was green beans. Persian cucumbers also can go bad faster than I expect, but I’m not too surprised by that.
I also like their house brand Greek yogurt and I get eggs and butter from them – cheaper and they last pretty long. And I love their multi grain bread! I usually cut the loaves in half, wrap in two layers of press and seal plastic, then freeze them. Not as good as fresh, but perfectly respectable eating after you thaw them.
And note – I rent and have a smallish fridge. I’m only 5’3” and I am taller than my fridge!
Anon
I don’t go anymore, but when I was going, I was getting toilet paper, paper towels, energy shots, eggs, frozen quesadillas, those chicken teriyaki meatballs (I miss those), snacks, chicken broth, rice, pasta, batteries . . . I also got a few home goods from them, like a rubber mat for wet and snowy boots. It’s totally worth it, especially if they have a gas station and/or a liquor store attached. I probably will resume my bulk buying when my partner and I move to the suburbs; one of the reasons I stopped was because it’s hard to find room for all the bulk goods, when you live in a small apartment in the city, but when you have a house, you probably have either a garage, or big pantry, or just sufficient space in your kitchen to keep everything.
Anon
Not a necessity but my Costco has a great flower department.
Anonymous
Dog food, paper goods, coffee pods, workout clothes. Sometimes the taco pack!
Anonymous
We buy toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning products, laundry soap, shampoo, conditioner, vitamins/OTC medicine, snacks for the kids, meat (especially when my husband wants to smoke a rack of ribs or a pork shoulder), oatmeal, pecans, spices, coffee, canned coconut milk, chicken pot pie, taco salad (my teenage son loves this haha), greek yogurt, bacon, diet coke, cereal, olive oil.
Also some random purchases–a giant sunshade thing for camping, a new tent, some plastic bins to organize the garage, a new mattress for my college-age daughter.
anon
All the fruit and veggies (I’m vegan so I eat a lot of them), spices I use a lot such as red pepper flakes, toilet paper, Pellegrino, Kirkland mixed nut butter (my absolute FAVE), batteries, olive oil, chickpeas, dishwasher detergent, hand soap, and B12/complex vitamins are the ones that stick out for me.
I thought having a membership as a single person was extravagant and not useful, but I am focused about what I buy and it works out great!
Aunt Jamesina
There are just two of us and we don’t really buy much prepared food (at Costso or elsewhere), but we buy paper towels, garbage bags (when we used to use them), dishwasher tablets, olive oil, pine nuts, batteries, and a few other things.
But where the cost savings really comes in for us (and more than pays for our membership fee) is the cheap gas! If you live that close and really try to fill up at Costco whenever possible, I think it’s worth it.
anonshmanon
You don’t use garbage bags anymore? Tell me your secrets please.
Aunt Jamesina
We compost, which takes care of most of our “wet” garbage aside from meat products. We line our kitchen bin with a paper grocery bag and just take any particularly gross/stinky garbage items to our outside bins! We tried it out for a few weeks and realized it was a much easier change than we’d anticipated!
No Face
How did I forget gas?! It is one of the best parts.
Senior Attorney
In addition to what has been listed, coffee beans and liquor. Oh, and printer cartridges.
Also we buy almost all our big-ticket items like appliances and TVs at Costco. I trust their buyers and I can’t be bothered to run all over town or all over the internet to chase down the Very Best Deal on the Very Best Thing.
The thing you need to know going in is that Costco isn’t a place to buy cheap stuff, it’s a place to get good prices on expensive stuff.
Anon
Spindrift, pasta, all the cheeses, berries, mushrooms, toothbrush heads, take and bake stuffed peppers, fish, kitchen sponges. All sorts of stuff.
anonshmanon
oh yes, forgot about the cheese…All the cheese. Yellow cheeses like cheddar, gouda etc freeze well enough if the big portions are an issue.
Anon
I will tell you why I’m not a Costco member. I can’t leave there work or spending >$200. I get way too excited about the bargains and I buy too much. It’s local grocery stores only for me.
I’m on a Trader Joe’s kick lately because I was SO sick of what I could get from grocery delivery during the pandemic. As soon as I was fully vaxxed +3 weeks I danced down the aisles of TJ’s.
Anon
We’re also 5 minutes from Costco at our new house and love it!
We regularly buy the dill salmon in the oven-ready aluminum tray – it bakes in 20 minutes. We’re also BIG fans of their shrimp cocktail in the summer for light dinners – it’s always perfectly cooked, never overdone. My husband also really likes their ceviche (no comment from me – I just don’t like ceviche in general.)
Beer and wine.
Cases of black beans, kidney beans, and diced tomatoes. (I fix lots of stews and soups in the winter.)
Riced cauliflower pouches (a sub for rice for me). And they have delicious pouches of Indian lentils that make a great quick lunch (with or without the riced cauliflower ;) ).
They also have great frozen international foods – there’s a fantastic ramen bowl that I love.
Anon
The Salmon Milano is delicious. Husband and I are reasonably low-carb due to health reasons and this is a lifesaver dish. At least once a week for dinner and then lunch leftovers as a salad.
Anonymous
Kirkland TP, Kleenex, The Unscented Company dish tabs, Glide floss, Tampax, frozen food (chicken nuggets, meatballs whatever it is your family eats), and then random one-off items like a desk fan or vacuum when they’re on sale. Tbh I don’t really shop at Costco but my mom loves browsing their stores so I keep a membership for her.
Rental cars!
Not what you asked, but pre pandemic their car rental prices were amazing. Have not compared yet to see if they’re still good with all the shortages.
Do it
Single person who likes to bake: dried fruit, nuts, protein bars, wine, cheese (so much cheese), hummus, fruit (yes, I can actually eat that much fruit; if you can’t eat an entire watermelon yourself, are you really alive?), potatoes, onions, eggs, cream, butter, yogurt, tuna fish, peanut butter, oatmeal, maple syrup, flour, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, cooking spray, olive oil, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, moisturizer, pain relievers, and calcium chews. If I’m baking something that requires a lot of a particular ingredient, I might throw in the cream cheese blocks or a giant bag of lemons, for example. Or, if I’m throwing a party, things like the baguettes, crackers, fancy cheese/meat, etc. I cook from scratch most of the time, so I’m pretty good at making sure things don’t go bad.
Anon
Loftey? Anyone heard of this and have experience using the service? I’m not sure I can spend another gazillion hours on streeteasy looking at apartments that are inevitably unavailable or, to put it kindly, not quite as lovely as the pictures lead you to believe!
Anon
how bad of an idea is it to buy a house in which foundation issues came up during the inspection?
Anon for this
Have a foundation company come out and tell you. It could be a non-issue, it could be a $200k issue.
Anon
Noooo…. You want a structural engineer whose job is to advise you, not to sell foundation repair.
AnonB
I have a house with a crawl space. We have been getting quotes to jack up and repair some aging foundation as part of a bigger renovation. Estimates have been between $15k-$25k for just the foundation. Expect to also have to make drywall/plaster repairs and maybe floors that have cracked or shifted.
Anon
Years ago, my FIL bought a house with what was described at the time as a “minor issue with the foundation” (the inspector saw some cracks). He brought out another inspector who told him, either this will be fine or it will be drastically not fine. It was the latter and at one point, a crack developed in the foundation in the kitchen that was so severe it broke through the linoleum on the floor. The repair was $40k; his homeowner’s insurance didn’t cover it since the issue was present when he bought the house.
I know things are crazy right now and things that wouldn’t normally look attractive are looking better than they would normally, but foundation issues (along with major plumbing, electrical, and roof issues) are like 2 a.m. beer goggles in the club at closing time – there’s going to be regret sooner rather than later. I personally have low tolerance for risk and I’d see if I could either get a large concession for repair from the seller, or back out of the contract.
Anon
Can be a really bad idea due to the risks of the foundation collapsing, with you having to pay $$$ to repair and move out for a month while your house is jacked up and the foundation replaced. This is typically not covered by your insurance, especially if it was a known issue. Even if this does not become your problem, you may also have a difficult time selling the house later, as this is now a known issue you have to disclose to other buyers and things may have deteriorated more. Look up the news coverage on the Connecticut foundation cases if you want to see the worst case scenarios.
Anonymous
How bad is it to buy? It’s fine, it’s almost always a fixable issue. BUT!!!! It’s expensive. Make sure sure you get a structural engineer, maybe two, in there to provide their opinion. Then get a quote to fix it. Assume it will be at least $50k and be prepared to have the seller pay or back out of the contract. Or be prepared to buy a house and immediately spend $50k.
FWIW the seller will probably work with you on this as now it’s a known issue that has to be disclosed to the next buyer. Pretty bad termite damage came up in our home inspection. It required about $30k of mitigation (there were structural issues). The seller paid for everything, had it done before we closed and allowed us to re-inspect before the drywall went back and the seller used the contractor(s) we chose.
Anon
I did. It’s a 1909 house. Foundation issues are almost expected. We had the work done in two phases. First the basic safety stuff so we could safely move in, and then a second round where we tried to correct a sloping problem in part of the house. During this phase we also did the most extensive earthquake retrofit work of anyone I know or have heard of. I am convinced my old house will be the only one standing after the “big one.”
All this was factored into the purchase price, of course. No regrets.
anon
As another point, it affects your resale value. We have friends who bought a completely renovated house in a gentrifying neighborhood about 10 years ago. At the beginning of Covid, before the housing market went crazy, houses in their neighborhood had appreciated to the point that theirs seemed worth 2.5 times what they paid. The husband lost his job due to the pandemic, and they decided to sell the house and use their equity to pay cash for a big, cheap house in the suburbs. They put the house on the market and had an offer in days. Then foundation issues (which they didn’t find in their inspection) cropped up, and the sale fell through. They’re still in that house.
Anon for this
Stitch Fix. I feel like Stitch Fix has decided that women in their 30’s (especially moms in their 30’s) all want skinny/slim pants with flowy cap sleeved synthetic shirts and blazers over them with ankle boots. It feels… very mommy blogger 2018.
I just rejected almost my entire box… I was really specific… But thinking it over, that’s what my friend who recommended it wears. I need weekend/casual clothes (my office is going more casual too).
Aria
I’m a little younger than you, but I’ve had a good experience so far. I’ve gotten a few summery dresses, a couple date night tops (asked for this specifically), some pretty nice jeans, a cargo jacket, a pink denim jacket, a pair of denim shorts, and a skirt. Nothing work related. The shirts are synthetic, but certainly not cap sleeved. It is a more mainstream look, so if that’s not for you it may not work, but I think I’ve gotten good pieces. I also checked off that I wanted “adventurous” picks in my survey – maybe that helps.
anon
Interesting. I like the idea of stitch fix in theory but I really don’t get how it could work given that I wear a wide range of sizes depending on brand (and style within brands!). I need to be able to try on other sizes. Does anyone have good experiences with in person stylists now that things are opening up? I’d also like a wardrobe refresh and am fully vaccinated. Online options are unappealing to me.
anon
I stopped doing Stitch Fix for that reason. Over time, the boxes became completely off-the-mark in style, despite my efforts to fill out the questionnaire, have an inspiration board, et cetera. So I sent back everything. Too bad, because I’m still wearing stuff from my earlier boxes.
Veronica Mars
I sent back my first box in June– everything was polyester and wasn’t very exciting. I could get cute items from LOFT for way less. I’m giving it another go but we’ll see if it improves.
Anon
I noticed that, too. I’m trying to rebuild my wardrobe post-pregnancy, and it’s all the same stuff. They also throw in a dress that is too office-y for church and too flowery for the office, so there’s that.
Not to hijack your thread, but if anyone has outfit suggestions for late 30s, elevated business casual, prefers skirts and dresses, I’m all ears. Sheath dresses don’t fit anymore, and I’m really over buying clothes that are so tailored that my 7-pound weight gain renders them unwearable.
anne-on
Know your sizes, and stalk sales. I buy almost all of my work clothes on sale from Boss, Brooks Brothers, Talbots, Bloomindales (Hobbs, Rebecca Taylor, Joie, Kate Spade for more ‘fun’ tops/dresses to mix in), Boden, and the Fold. Jcrew can be hit and miss (and my local store carries almost none of the work appropriate stuff, so I order online and return a ton).
Anon
Thank you for the tips! Maybe I should have phrased my question a bit better. I got pregnant in 2019, did not much care about my clothes, gave birth in 2020, then COVID hit. Been WFH since. Prior to 2019, I knew that we would be TTC, so I haven’t really bought much in the line of clothing since… 2017 or 2016.
Sure, I can go buy clothes, and probably even find solid replacements for what no longer fits, but my entire fashion sense is almost a half-decade out of date.
anne-on
Ah! On the plus side I don’t think women’s work fashions have changed radically? If you intend to try to lose weight I’d probably head over to CapHillStyle – she’s been posting a lot of clothes for when you need to go to the office but are in between sizes and don’t want to invest a ton in clothes that fit your larger size. I’d pick a color palette (base color plus 2-3 accent colors – say, navy plus pink/green/camel) and then use that to buy. So say – navy blue dress, camel sweater blazer or blazer, 1 pink blouse, 1 green blouse, 1 multi-colored or printed blouse, navy slacks or skirt, and maybe one berry or green dress. Figure out your undertones to know if you’ll look better in pastels (berry vs. pastel pink, emerald vs. mint) and go from there. I find it easier to shop with rules, so ymmv, but this helped me after maternity leave.
PistachioLemon
+1 on most of these brands!
anon
Try dresses in knitted fabrics, as they are a little more forgiving. I used to like Boden for this ten years ago, but these days many of their colors are too whimsical or not my coloring. The drawback is knit dresses are easier to style in fall / winter. For spring / summer, I have more luck with A – line skirts and loose blouses.
pugsnbourbon
What about shirtdresses?
Anonymous
Did you tell them you’re a mom? I probably would not do that. Your stylists are likely college age kids who think mom equals frump.
Anon
I did stitch fix because I was sick of all my tops, and all I bought from my boxes were the tops. But they’re all print. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them offer a solid. It’s fine but apparently print tops are my look now.
I did like my experience overall. The stylist didn’t send me the mommy blogger look you describe. She sent me looks meant to go with fashion sneakers (though I specifically told her not to send any shoes, so they weren’t included) – so a couple of print tops, a hoodie, some lounge type pants, and a graphic tee.
Anon
I had this problem for a while. I found that the way to avoid it was to specify that you do not want any non-breathable poly tops (or in my case shirts that button up the front or anything sleeveless). And then when you get one, explicitly point out in your review of your items that they sent you things your profile said you did not want. About six months ago I also told them I felt like slim/skinny pants were on their way out of fashion and not to send me any more. In fact I specifically said I appreciated they probably had inventory to get rid of but please not to use for for that purpose.
If I reject an entire box and it contains items I specifically said I did not want, I had found they will waive the styling fee.
I suggest just telling your stylist what you said here. You are not into that look (include the Mommy Blogger c. 2018 part!).
Anon
I just started doing Stitch Fix, and I can select the items that come in my box. About a week or so before shipment, I get a preview with 8-10 items in it that I can select up to 5 of for my box. If I don’t like any, I don’t select any and they will not send a box at all. Are you not able to do that? Or are all of the preview options ones that you do not like? I very explicitly tell my stylist what I am looking for and what I am not looking for. So far, after the first box, it’s been pretty spot on as far as the options and feedback I’m providing. I have received business casual wear and weekend wear as well. I really think feedback is important and doing the surveys/ratings are also important for the options you select.
Anonymous
Help me cope guys. Be gentle.
Hate my job. I know that’s the story of a lot of people and objectively I know I have it fine — good pay and benefits, really easy work but completely unmotivated because the work is boring and non consequential (compliance) and management is terrible. Reality is I got forced into this job some years ago (5+) because I lost my prior gig which was the best job I ever had; that company went bankrupt and everyone was laid off. In that unemployed scramble this is the only place that would hire me. I’ve on and off looked to move since then and no bites so I kind of resigned myself to — it’s fine, its a government job, at least stay 5 years for the vested pension. Well the pension vested last year and I want out desperately. I don’t want to do compliance at all. But prior background in litigation was so long ago and it doesn’t help that I’m 20 years out of school so it’s not like I can get hired as a junior associate. I have a “network” though I use that term loosely. Over the years lots of people take my calls but it never results in anything beyond just information; my network isn’t important enough that they can just hire me, nor are they introducing me to those people.
So now I’m doing all I can. Applied for an internal position that could be better. Talking to a recruiter. Taking a licensing exam in a different field (2 exams down 1 to go) just in case I can’t find anything in law and must get out. And yet what am I doing day to day? Bursting into tears many times a day. I’m talking heaving sobs. Crying to my mom who tries to understand but really doesn’t because to her a job is a job and who leaves a good paying steady government job. Not sleeping and waking up with headaches. Barely eating. How do I keep pushing forward? I’m so tired. It’s been YEARS of being laid off; being unhappy; and or looking for the next gig. I feel like that’s all I do – I was just saying yesterday that I’ve lost 10 years of my life to job issues. What would your next step be – emotionally or substantively?
Anonymous
What is your life like outside of work? It sounds like you’ve invested so much energy into work that you have nothing left for other interests. Your work doesn’t have to define you. Find other things to get excited about. Take advantage of WFH and work from a park or coffee shop or your bed if you want. Find fulfillment from something other than work and improve your coping skills for the hours you have to devote to work.
anon for this
+1
Anon
I’d go emotionally and view your job as a paycheck. Work to live. Do a good job, but stop looking for fulfillment at the office. Make friends at work. I know that’s contradictory but having pals to gab with and get coffee with can turn a bad job into a fun one, and when you stop caring about it being your career, you can relax and befriend people. Then also, find yourself outside of work. Get into the hobby you’re good at, date or lean into your primary relationship, cultivate a life with friends. Love more.
Anonymous
My next step would be asking my doctor for a prescription for anti-depressants and getting therapy.
Ana
This. Your reaction sounds like it is way out of proportion to a fairly ordinary situation of being in a job that’s not a 100% perfect match for you. The reaction is also not your fault, but based on what you’ve described you should definitely be seeking medical assistance for your mental health.
Senior Attorney
Yes. It’s not normal to be this sad all the time and you deserve better!
Stop Living to Work
not to be harsh – but you have a solid job, which is boring/easy/fine – not stressful? It seems like you make decent money? have a vested pension in government, and you cry every day about it?
get some hobbies! Spend that sweet government cheese! start living your life outside of crying at work. Get out of your head about how unfulfilling your job is and get a fulfilling life!
anon
This plus anonymous at 10:56 is my recommendation.
Anon
Gently, I think you should look into treatment for depression.
CPA Lady
A few ideas:
1. Change your expectations/mindset. My job provides no personal fulfillment. It’s “fine”. I work to live. Does that mean it’s kind of a grind sometimes? Yep. But whatever, I go, do the stuff I’ve gotta do, get paid, then go home and actually enjoy myself. I unfortunately don’t think it’s reasonable to expect every moment of your day and job and life to be easy and meaningful and happy. Sometimes it just is what it is. The podcast “the daily stoic” helps me get into the mindset of doing things I don’t want to do as cheerfully as possible. It makes work feel noble and disciplined, rather than like a prison.
2. Focus on having fun. Develop hobbies. If you don’t even know where to start, think about things you enjoyed as a child and do the grownup version of that. Take fun classes. While you’re at work, listen to podcasts and audiobooks on topics that interest you. Volunteer for a cause that matters to you. Get a kitten. Get five kittens. Get into plants. Go hiking. Get into painting. Buy a 1,000 piece lego set and build it. Read pearl clutching romance novels. Learn to ride a horse. Plan a trip to the grand canyon or the beach or Japan or France or Egypt (I mean I know you can’t really go overseas yet, but you can start looking). Eat at every restaurant you’ve ever wanted to try in your city, one per week. There is so much fun out there, just waiting to be had.
3. Meds and therapy.
Anon
+1,000, especially to point 2
anon
Especially to “get five kittens.”
Really, OP — You have my empathy. Being in a job that bores you to tears and constantly pushing yourself to work against demotivation stinks. I think that you need to look for happiness outside of work while you continue to look for a better fit. You can’t control when that better fit will come along, but you *can* control your out-of-work life! I realized when I was bored and under-stimulated and dissatisfied with my first law firm that work was NEVER going to provide me with 100% of my happiness. Even the best job was never going to fulfill all my needs. At best it could get me to, maybe, 70% happiness (in the short term)? No matter how great the job is, we still have core needs like healthy fulfilling relationships with friends and family, fun, play, rest, hobbies, creativity, exercise, satisfaction from helping others, travel, new experiences, romantic relationships, etc.
My personal life is far more developed post pandemic than pre pandemic. I care SO much less about the “deficiencies” in my job than I used to. I don’t have the brain space to devote to ruminating about them and they simply feel less important because I have other stuff that matters and makes me happy. Good luck to you! It may not seem like it but these are surmountable problems!
No Face
If you are crying every day, not sleeping, and barely eating, you need to get treatment for depression ASAP. Call a doctor today. I have several loved ones with serious depression or anxiety issues. The mind fixates on a Thing, but the Thing is not the issue. The depression/anxiety is the main issue.
As for jobs, I actually know a woman who was hired as a junior associate in litigation after 16 years of staying at home full time. She was open about never wanting to make partner. She is still at that firm 10 years later. You are getting licensed in something, so that may open doors in a new field as well. Factually speaking, you are in great shape. But solving your career problem will not solve your depression.
Anonymous
If you’re looking for more mental stimulation, I’d attend webinars, read articles, etc. in a somewhat related area that interests you, even if it’s only tangential to current job (compliance related to an issue that’s important to you, communications, etc.) Look for opportunities to volunteer in new area—can you take on an unpaid project, write for your industry association? Over time, you’ll find something more fun while expanding experience and networking.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I think that the above comments might be good to try re: developing hobbies outside of work and emotionally distancing yourself from work a little. But also, if that doesn’t work, it’s ok. You can keep looking for a new job. What organizations do you (or have you in the past) volunteer with or support with donations? Can you apply for a lower-level role with them? Or do fundraising? Can you set a savings goal and then open your own business in compliance consulting/content writing/proofreading, whatever? I think you should also try therapy because it can help sort through your emotions.
But know that you aren’t alone and don’t need to feel bad about the way you feel. I feel the same as you’re describing in a job that should be east and I just hate it and want to leave. So the above are some of the things I’m doing to make a change. (And by the way, I’ve added in a million hobbies, and I just feel like I’m an animal at the zoo where they add “enrichment” toys to my cage. So, I think hobbies are great and you should give it a go, but it is not a cure all.)
Anon
*should be easy
Anon
For most of us, our job is what pays the bills, not what fulfills our inner soul. If you want fulfilling work, volunteer outside of work. It’s unrealistic to expect your job to do that for you.
By all means find another job or field if you really hate what you are doing so much, keep working on that. But go in with realistic expectations. Your job pays the bills.
Anon
Also–I’d like to add–just because you are a spring chicken doesn’t mean you don’t have skills. I recommend that you also work with a job coach who can help you tease out what skills are transferable to a new area. For instance, many companies like compliance backgrounds for things such as an AGC of Policy. If you have done compliance and litigation, you could make a pivot into privacy, which is a very hot area and is not so hard to get into–by all accounts, the IAPP exams are not too taxing for someone who has already done law school.
I 100% echo the suggestion for therapy, and I know what it’s like to feel stuck. But networking is a skill. Branding yourself and your past work takes skill also, and maybe that’s not your forte. But that 100% does not mean it has to be your destiny forever, at all. I like to listen to webinars and pep talks from WorkItDaily by JT O’Donnell when I am trying to get into fierce jobsearching warrior mode. What you were/are is not what you have to be forever, at all.
Also, highly recommend the book Life After Law. You may not be looking to get out of law entirely, but this book will broaden your perspective about the wonderful options you do have — you are educated, you write well, you research well, you know how to liaise with executive-level people, you can handle stressful deadlines (hello litigation!), etc. You really have a lot to give an organization.
If you are going through hell, keep going, and know that it will not be this way forever, because you are taking real steps to make change, and you will get help to be more effective at presenting your experience and how you can add value to a new organization. YOU GOT THIS!!!
Hugs–it will get better but the only way out is through!
Last–read up on eating and depression–when you don’t feel good, emotional eating leads to eating crappy foods which leads to feeling worse. Eat good wholesome foods and nourish yourself and it can make a world of difference. It does for me. Really. Weird but true!
strollerstrike
Can anyone recommend a good template for a “death folder”, i.e. all the information to keep accessible for your spouse or other relatives in the worst case? I tried google but nothing useful turned up.
Sunflower
There are great checklists on this website: https://getyourshittogether.org/checklist
Mal
Maybe we can all suggest items that we would put in ours?
For me, it would be all major passwords for banking, bill pay, etc, directions of where major documents like birth certificates, deeds, titles, are stored, preferences for end-of-life like burial/cremation and funeral specifics, contact info for accountants/financial advisors, wills, any specific desires related to DNRs or other “how I’d like to be cared for if I can’t communicate” preferences.
It’s great that you are having these discussions now – I know folks who didn’t, and it’s so, so difficult to discuss end-of-life when emotions are heightened and folks are in decline.
Anonymous
Use something like this to get started: lots of versions online
https://www.massmutual.com/mmfg/pdf/what%20my%20loved%20ones%20need%20to%20know%20planning%20guide.pdf
strollerstrike
Thank you, this is really helpful!
Dame Judy
My dh and I are not lawyers, and we used a publication from NOLO and a book from the library called “Shit You’ll Need When I Die” to create a notebook with all the information in it. I should probably go through and update everything since it’s been a few years and we’ve greatly simplified finances recently. Are kids are adults but when they were younger, I used to annually update my sister with a host of information. Now we tell the kids the information.
Anon
I live alone, so my top item is name and contact info for the friends who will take care of my dogs in the event of my untimely demise. I also have them as a beneficiary on a small account.
After that, the password to my checking account that acts as a clearing account for everything incoming or outgoing. All but one bill (my credit card that I use for daily expenses and pay in full each month) is set up on autopay, so as long as there’s money in that checking account, stuff will get paid.
I have a list of other accounts and passwords (mortgages, brokerage, retirement accounts, insurance policies, etc).
Short list of who to call.
A few ideas of where to deposit my carcass that won’t break the bank and are in line with my values.
I need to set up an actual will.
Anon
Migraine Sufferers who have been pregnant: talk to me about meds you took while TTC/pregnant/breastfeeding. I plan to start TTC in October 2021, and suffer from chronic migraines that are well controlled with meds (But 24/7 migraine without meds). My OBGYN is differing to my neurologist re: what I can take and when during this time. My neurologist has advised that I can’t take anything to prevent or treat headaches, except for Fioricet (which does not work for me) starting now. I understand that this is standard for the new CGRP meds, but ALL medications? I plan to seek a second opinion, because I cannot function without meds. Should I see another neurologist or a fetal medicine doctor? What, if any, treatments worked for you while pre-TTC/TTC/Pregnant/breastfeeding? TIA
Anon
I was dealing w/ a different medical condition and class of meds and I did see a maternal health specialist which could be what my hospital calls fetal medicine? Basically, the idea was to figure out a compromise between my health and risk to baby. Someone who could function without meds would be told not take them but for me, staying on a class C med (one that just really hadn’t been studied but there was no known negative data) seemed a good compromise. Good luck though. It was very very very hard for me to find doctors willing to prioritize my health. My maternal health doc said it was fine to stay on one GI med but my GI refused to prescribe it if I was TTC, let alone pregnant. I basically lied to him and said I put TTC on hold. He rx’d it but put on the label in the instructions not to take if TTC. All my other docs said it was fine to keep taking.
Anon
Oh, as to a different med, we addressed which risk was better for a baby. So, I didn’t take the med that could cause heart defect but stayed on the med that could cause lower birth weight as that is treatable.
Anon
What are you on now? I take topamax and Botox, but my understanding is that neither of those are considered safe for pregnancy, nor are the CGRP drugs. Those are the most effective meds, so I think your preventative options are fairly limited, but not necessarily nothing. I’ve definitely seen papers on this,though, so do some research. A good doctor will work with you on timing of meds, non pharmaceutical options, etc.
Anon
Currently on a CGRP and an SSRI. The CGRP allowed me to go off of topamax, which was a major life improvement. I also did botox before CGRPs hit the market.
Anon
Yeah, I think most doctors will be uncomfortable with the CGRPs and pregnancy because they’re so new and because CGRP affects so many things in ways we don’t understand. But a lot of people take SSRIs for part or all of their pregnancy, and I think beta blockers are also considered safe for pregnancy (check this), though they didn’t help me at all. Magnesium has actually helped me a lot, though, as has physical therapy, blue light blockers on my computer, and a bunch of other non-pharmaceutical stuff (eating, sleep, exercise, etc.), though I’m guessing you’ve also tried those things. Anyway, like I said, a good doctor will work with you to come up with a plan to deal with this, not just tell you there are no options. That might even include taking certain drugs in later trimesters or not stopping them while TTC, only when you know you’re pregnant (this works better for some drugs than for others, and depends on the risk of the drug).
Anonymous
Definitely get a second opinion. FWIW, my migraines seem to be hormonally triggered as they were basically gone on each of my three pregnancies and have slowly come back over the last three years. So there’s a chance that pregnancy will mean you need less meds anyway.
Anon
What do you take now? Some SSRIs/calcium channel blockers are considered relatively safe for headache prevention in pregnancy. Magnesium, riboflavin, and CoEQ also all have evidence for headache prevention and are safe in pregnancy. Most women actually have an improvement in headaches during pregnancy so you might need less medication. If you have debilitating migraines, just stopping medication is not an acceptable option – talk to an MFM specialist or find a new neurologist who is comfortable working with you!
Anon
Currently take a CGRP monthly injection, and am starting to wean off of SSRIs. I also take a CGRP rescue medication or sumatriptan at onset of the headache, I switch off between the two.
Migraine
I’m really sorry. This is basically my wife, but throw in that it took her more than a year to get pregnant and she was off meds all that time. We also had to do IVF and the drugs for that were a major headache trigger.
I will say the biggest pregnancy side effect for topomax is cleft palate. The headaches were so bad that we seriously discussed with her providers her going back on and taking that risk, but she got pregnant before we reached that point.
The headaches lessened during the pregnancy but did not go away.
I’m sorry this isnt better news.
Anon
This is not what you may want to hear but In my case my migraines got worse during pregnancy. My migraines were not as bad as yours pre pregnancy but they got incredibly bad and out of control during pregnancy. Unfortunately I had switched insurance and could no longer see my old neurologist so I was SOL (next available appt for neuro was basically after delivery). However, my neurologist friend basically told me the same thing about fioricet. I barely got the buzz off with a mixture of ice, vigorous squeezing of temples and neck, Tylenol, caffeine. I mostly buried my face in my bed and screamed a lot—really, a lot of screaming in agony (and had terrible morning sickness). Thank god all I had to do was study for the bar exam—if I had an actual job or other children to take care of I would not have survived.
The good news is that post pregnancy migraines have been non existent! I am weaning off breastfeeding now though so that may change. I am 6 months pp.
Anonymous
Does anyone else feel like they have nothing to talk to their spouse about when they go out for date night? We have a standing date to talk for an hour every night, no screens, so we’re generally pretty up to date on each other’s lives. Recently, we went on vacation and we really had nothing to talk about over dinner. We’re usually pretty quiet on date nights too. What do you usually talk about? How can I be a better conversationalist?
Otoh, he mentioned that he had gone golfing with a coworker a few times last fall and I was all, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WHO EVEN ARE YOU?? So I suppose we don’t actually know every move we each make.
Anon
We get a print edition newspaper daily and there is always something in it to discuss if we were to run out of topics. Suftside condo collapse, Free Britney, ZillowGoneWild, etc. We also routinely invent a $ of lottery winnings and what we’d do with it (individually). We fantasize about beach houses / beach towns, lake houses, retirement villas. OMG so much. We talk b/c we really can’t do much of anything financially.
Anon
Lol, same here – we fight about our imaginary children and where they’d go to school (jokingly and we are childfree by choice/that ship sailed) and design the B&B we’d run, down to the cocktail program….
Anon
My husband and I have different news sources so sometimes compare notes, but we have different tolerances for how much we want to talk about the news. I get upset about the same things he does, but I internalize and read more about it until I feel like I’m not going to learn more.
He wants to rant to me about it, which sometimes almost feels like he’s yelling at me about it, so I have to remind him that we’re on the same side. Things like when Tucker Carlson called the Joint Chiefs of Staff a “pig” last week and how does Carlson even still have a job, and how the right would have reacted if, say, Rachel Maddow had done the same. We agree! Don’t shout at me about it!
For these reasons we generally steer clear of the news after a brief moment. We talk a lot about our kids, our new-to-us dog, and whatever house project we have going on right now (currently painting and rearranging our bedroom)
Anon
Huh, no, I kind of can’t imagine this dynamic – my husband and I are both chatty Cathys. Was it always like this? If you need a prompt, maybe those NYT 30 questions to fall in love?
Anonymous
We’ll occasionally have quiet dinners (we both WFH now and spend basically 24/7 together due to high-risk conditions/not being able to resume normal life fully), but we often talk about politics, the news, our goals for moving to a new state (hopefully this year), family issues, etc. We tend to have our best talks on daily walks or hikes.
Anon
For Christmas, I bought my partner a box of conversation starter cards. It helps when you’re just tapped out from talking about work, family, news, the neighbors etc.
Anonymous
Politics (mostly international, sports (NHL and Euro cup currently) plus movies. We have a weekly movie night where we take turns picking old school movies that are either favorites or classics that we haven’t seen but always wanted to.
pugsnbourbon
My wife and I are both kind of introverted and we like “barstool time” – instead of going to a nice restaurant where we are just staring at each other over the table, we sit side-by-side at a funky local bar with TVs. There’s usually something – a dumb commercial, a sport we know nothing about – that gives us a jumping-off point for a conversation.
AZCPA
We do this too! I love it – I spend most of my day talking to people, so the freedom to easily chat and have outside stimulation is really helpful.
No Face
I am fine with enjoying peace and quiet together. I love it actually! We talk about current events, our kids. I like to ask hypos, like when/if we would retire, etc. We talk about work.
No Face
We also like to watch tv shows and talk about the show the entire time.
Cat
Same – on regular weeknights, we do watch TV together, but not just “aimless zoned out” TV. Like we’re currently enjoying all the Olympic trials and speculating about the gymnast behind the scenes decision room. Or pausing a midcentury Brit mystery to talk about the suspects. Or even using a totally-brainless episode of International House Hunters to talk about the destination.
It’s very satisfying when you realize how often you’re thinking the same thing :)
When we go out, we’ll talk about the restaurant and neighborhood, people-watch, local news, etc. We are almost always in the middle of planning a trip so we’ll often chat about how to allocate our time (we do our best work here while walking to the restaurant actually, something about being side by side helps??) Work stories using nicknames. Sometimes we go quiet and that’s ok too – companionable silence is also nice.
Anon
Omg I am the opposite. Don’t talk over the dialogue in the show! We are either watching it or we aren’t. Sometimes husband goes off on some tangent and I will listen then ask if he can rewind to the part where he started talking and he gets all butthurt.
Cat
Ha I guess important to clarify – we 100% pause to chat. No talking over the show.
Anonymous
My husband and I sometimes want to just sit quietly together haha. Between our jobs that require a lot of interaction with others and our three children that require so much attention, when we are alone we sometimes just sit and hold hands while driving or while going for a walk. If we are out to dinner, we talk about all kinds of things–the crazy thing my sister did, what we should do with his mom’s house when the time comes (is that morbid haha??), we plan vacations–both realistic and unrealistic, we talk about what we would do if we won the lottery, where we should move when we retire, sometimes more heavy things about issues the kids are having but we try to stay away from those topics on date night. Sometimes we can’t help it. We talk about work sometimes, but also try and stay away from that. We reminisce about fun trips we’ve taken, or our first couple of dates. We talk about current events. All kinds of stuff!
Mal
As a chatty person engaged to a classic introvert, I’m having to get used to the idea that if we’re hanging out, we’re not necessarily talking all the time! And that’s OK. I’m so used to hanging with chatty friends that it’s a new dynamic to get used to. But it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong.
Anon
Um…. as an introvert, an hour per night sounds like a lot!!
Anon
Agreed. Can’t we just exist in the same space, without flapping our gums constantly?
Anonymous
+1
Anon
+1 once dated a guy who hadn’t heard of companionable silence and kept asking me “but how does that work?”
CHL
My husband and I are the same way. Overall he’s always been quieter which generally I prefer to a chatty spouse (everyone is different). I find that doing more things apart leads to more things to talk about. I’d be curious if he thinks it’s an issue. Sometimes I think my husband doesn’t think it’s weird for us to sit quietly together. Sometimes I think he’s totally unaware that both people sometimes have to “try” to have a conversation.
Anon
We both seek out things in the media to save as conversation topics. Interesting science news ranks high on the list.
Our lives are giant piles of **** at the moment, so we specifically avoid talking about work or family.
Elle
We really like an app called Card Decks from the Gottman Institute. It was recommended by our couples therapist because it makes you ask your spouse the kinds of getting to know you questions that you asked at the beginning of your relationship and assume you know now. I’ve really enjoyed it!
Anonymous
My husband and I have been finding conversation more challenging lately because we are stuck in the same house 24/7 and do not have any separate experiences. Another issue is that my job is quite challenging and deals with Weighty Issues, which have only intensified over the past year or so. I am intellectually and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day and don’t want to see any more news or spend one more minute thinking about all the injustice in the world. My husband works in software devops and finds his job rather boring, so the first thing he wants to do after work is to turn on the news and discuss the injustice in the world. He gets annoyed with me for wanting to talk about mundane things, and I get annoyed with him for trying to enlighten me about all the issues I’ve just spent the whole day working on.
Anon
Yes, my husband gets really quiet and awkward when we go out. He feels uncomfortable if he thinks other people can hear us. Our conversations are usually super weird and inappropriate at home so he feels he has to censor himself in public haha.
Senior Attorney
We can rant about the same political topics pretty much every day and it never gets old. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Also we talk about our cases at work, our various volunteer gigs, and recently we have been very into some home improvement projects. And when all that fails, we fall back on “I love you so much — you are the BEST” “No, YOU ARE!” We’re still mushy after all these years…
Senior Attorney
Yikes that sounded very Smug Married. Sorry about that.
Mal
No – it’s actually nice to hear about spouses liking each other – lately I feel all I hear about are people irritated with their significant other.
Anonymous
That’s because it’s not natural to spend every moment of every day with your spouse. You are supposed to spend time away from your spouse so you can miss each other and have experiences to catch each other up on at the end of the day.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, we feel like we’ve been lucky because both of us have been going to the office the whole time. Otherwise it’s like my mom used to say: “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?”
Anon
Geez, an hour a night?? No wonder you’ve run out of things to talk about.
Monday
Bra PSA for anyone else with a small band/large cup combo!
I’ve been on a looong search for a bralette or non-underwire option that actually gets the job done. Alpha sizing (XS-XL or whatever) is a nonstarter for us, and my usual problems are lack of support and unib00b. But I just discovered Sugar Candy, and it’s all over! I got each of their 3 non-maternity bralette styles and was happy with all of them. They actually provide MORE support than my underwires, feel sturdier, wash more durably, and while not necessarily pretty are not ugly. These are my new all-purpose bras. (I’m convinced that unib00b is inevitable for my sports bras, but don’t want it in other contexts.)
Anon
Thank you! I will check them out.
Anon
Thank you for the rec!! I refuse to wear underwire and I have huge b00bs so it’s always a challenge finding bras!
No Face
Thanks for the rec! I appreciate the models on the site too – they actually have large natural breasts!
PolyD
Boo. At 32DD, regular SML bralettes don’t work great for me, but apparently I am too “small” for the Sugar Candy bras.
ollie
I’m similar – check out the busy bralettes from Lively
Monday
I have these too, but get inadequate support and unib00b for my size. So I just wear them to bed.
Anonymous
re: sports bra – try the Panache undewire! It really creates a great shape. Thanks for this rec too.
Jessica Rabbit-lookalike...
I tried Sugar Candy back when Bravissimo started stocking them.
They did not work for me at all, at size UK 28H/HH, they were neither small enough in the band or large enough in the cup. They did seem to be high quality, just not suitable in size at all. My guess would be that you’d need at least 3-4 cupsizes smaller and at least 30-band.
Apt - take it or leave it?
Welcoming input from the ‘rette community! I live in a HCOL city and realized I’m paying too much for my studio apt. I started looking, the market is crazy. Now I’m wondering if I should take one in hand, or wait for my preferred option/punt if it doesn’t work out?
Current apt: 480 sq ft, studio, no balcony, no bathtub, kitchen right in the main room, OK but not ideal location (have to transfer trains to get to work, gym is a ~30 min ride away. Lease is now month-to-month, so I have that flexibility. Private landlord
Option A: bigger (550 sq ft), separate bedroom, balcony, bathtub, kitchen/living combo divided by a bar, amazing location (direct train to work, gym is 15 min walk). Commercial landlord
Option B: 450 sq ft, separate bedroom, no balcony, bathtub, kitchen in separate room, OK location. Private landlord
Option B is about $100 less than Option A.
Option A is far and away exactly what I’m looking for, I loved it, and think its actually underpriced for the market. I understood that I was one of 5 people who applied for Option A – current tenant was gatekeeper for the shortlist. Still haven’t heard; the agent was on vacation last week. I called today to check in, no answer. In the meantime, today I got offered Option B, but they of course want to confirm now.
For context, I’ve been looking since April, have contacted maybe 75 apartments, have seen about 10, and have been offered one earlier apt which I turned down in May based on the contract terms. I’m really worn out from the search, it’s hard to even get appointments to see apartments here as things are going same-day.
Option C is keep looking; Option D is get new furniture and try to make current space work?
Anon
Option B is the wrong answer. It gets you a bathtub but loses you 30 sq. ft. If you took it, you would be looking again anyway at the end of your lease. Even if Option A did not exist, there would be no reason to take Option B (unless you literally want to take baths every single day).
OP
Opt B also gets me a separate bedroom, which is a huge sticking point in my current apartment. I hate hearing my fridge as I’m trying to get to sleep. Would add that my current apt has a view into another building, Options A&B both look into a yard
Cat
I don’t see why Option B is materially better than what you have now, unless a bathtub or having a real bedroom are material benefits to you.
No Face
Option A sounds dreamy. I would stay in your current place on your month-to-month lease until you get A or something else like it.
Senior Attorney
+1
anon
I’d wait for Option A (and if you don’t get it, stay month to month until the next Option A equivalent comes around)
Anon
Don’t go for second best, baby, put your apartment to the test. You know you’ve got to.
OP
OK thank you all for the reality check! I will wait it out and keep looking. Appreciate the responses
Anon
I found out this morning my grandmother passed away – I was already out for the doctors but I really don’t want to go in later. She was very old and this was expected, but it still just doesn’t feel great. How have others handled a similar situation? I’m sure if I email my boss he’ll understand.
pugsnbourbon
I’m so sorry. Take the day – this is what your PTO is for.
Panda Bear
+1 Condolences, and take the afternoon off.
Monday
Take the time off. Grief is hard no matter what, but I used to just work through everything (including my Dad’s death) and it wasn’t worth it. I now advocate just letting your mind and body rest while you process loss.
No Face
Take the day off and let your feelings take their course.
Curious
It can be easy to feel like losing a grandparent shouldn’t hurt as much, because they are old/ it’s expected. But they’re often one of the tethers of your identity (and someone you loved very much!). Of course you should take time to mourn. I’m sorry for your loss.
Marie
Take the day and feel your feelings. Maybe think about doing something that would make your grandma smile if you were telling her about it. I think SA once said it best that there is never enough time with the ones we love. I take this to mean even if it is an expected loss of a beloved grandparent, it is still going to cause you feelings of sadness and grief, which are perfectly legitimate.
Anonymous
100% this. One of my grandmothers died suddenly- she had a heart attack in bed at 86 in her bed in her home. I spent the entire day thinking about her, baked one of her favorite recipes, cried, and took comfort that all things considered she had a really decent death. Do I wish I had more time with her? Absolutely. But if that time came with diminished mental capabilities, poor health, in a nursing home, worried about money, and all the other things that she was just starting to see signs of, I came to terms thinking it was in the end good for her even if it was sad for me. She had the death people often say they want: at home, while sleeping, in bed. I’m sad she never got to meet my kids, but I know if she were alive when they were born she would not be in great health. I’m grateful she was alive at my wedding. I’m sad I didn’t get to say goodbye, but as I got older I’d always make sure to give her a hug on the way out because you just never know.
I eventually received a small inheritance (something like $1500) and used it to buy a pearl necklace, which she always wore and now is one of my favorite pieces to wear to family events.
anon
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I always found out about grandparent passings while I was already at work (this happened twice in 4 months! other grandparents were long deceased by the time I entered the workforce). Both times I left work and went home.
Both of these grandparents were very old, very sick, on hospice, etc. but it still just SUCKS. I’d go home, order whatever take out you want, and do whatever feels right.
Senior Attorney
I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing to add to the good advice above, but hugs from an internet stranger.
Anonymous
For those of you with experience with CBT, how many sessions would one expect to attend before being given specific thought-reframing strategies to implement (e.g., “when you think X, tell yourself Y”)? What portion of each session would one expect to spend just chatting about how things are going and what portion should consist of learning strategies?
Lighter periods after pill
Has anyone experienced lighter but regular periods after going off the pill? Went off the pill a few months ago. They are regular but light. Or is this just a function of being in your late 30s? (FWIW, I had one kid a few years ago, and don’t think my periods were as light when I was TTC, but I was younger and frankly can’t really remember.)
anon
I feel like mine have gotten lighter in my mid 30s. I only used the pill from age 19 to maybe 23, so I don’t think it was that. But whether it’s aging, changes in my diet and exercise, I know better how to deal with it so I don’t experience it the same way – who knows…
Anon
My periods got lighter and shorter in perimenopause, except for when they didn’t … occasionally I practically hemorrhaged – perimenopause was a wild ride.
No Face
I’m in my 30s. My period is much, much lighter than when I was younger.
Ribena
Yes, much lighter and less painful than I remember them being as a teen.
A.
Can anyone recommend a belt bag for me? It’s time for me to embrace one of these as I’m running around chasing my kids all weekend. I want to use a Nordstrom credit so it needs to be from there; currently eyeing the JuJuBe Eco Sling Belt Bag (but I’d prefer a non-black color), the Baggu Nylon Belt Bag, the Herschel Fifteen Belt Bag, and the Zella Convertible Belt Bag. I need to be able to carry an iPhone 12, keys, wallet, and a lip gloss; prefer fabric over leather or faux leather and would like a color that matches both black and navy.
Anon
So I thought they were the answer but found them way too heavy to wear comfortably and they pulled my clothes funny so I switched to a small cross body. I love ClareV for all things bags – nice light materials and both funky and classic stuff
Anon
+1 to the cross body.
pugsnbourbon
I love Herschel bags. I wear mine across my chest rather than around my waist.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
I have been taking Sonata for my insomnia for 4-5 years now. It was originally prescribed by my prior PCP who has since moved. My current PCP has continued to prescribe it, as I told her it’s working for me. It’s been like a godsend in that, unlike Ambien or Tylenol PM, I don’t have a “hangover” feeling in the morning. However, it wears off after a few hours. I almost always wake in the middle of the night.
Here’s the typical nighttime scenario: 1. Take a MJ edible or a Sonata to go to sleep. 2. Wake up at 4-5 AM 3. Take a Sonata. Sleep until 6:30 am.
I wake 90% of the time in the middle of the night, regardless of my stress level or whether I have taken Sonata when I go to sleep. When I do wake, my brain often goes right to thinking about work, although sometimes it starts rehashing conversations from the prior day or thinking about my personal to-do list.
I only get 30 pills per month, so this has become a problem. The past two months, including this month, I have run out of pills toward the end of the month. Nothing else seems to work besides Sonata, especially in the middle of the night.
Yesterday, I was exhausted all day, as I had been up late the night before with insomnia. I thought I would fall right sleep at 10 PM, but that didn’t happen. Eventually, I got up and took an edible, but it didn’t kick in for 45 minutes or so, and even then, I still couldn’t sleep. I was up until 2 am, at which point, in desperation I took 1/4 of a hydrocodone (I have a bottle from a surgery last year, I absolutely HATE the stuff as it makes me sick, but I was desperate). Luckily that small of a quantity did not make me physically ill, and I went to sleep until my husband woke me at 7 am. 5 hours is not enough for me, so I had to move some morning appts. laid in bed for a while trying to go back to sleep, then took a Nyquil and another 1/4 hydrocodone. [I know this is a bad idea. I am just exhausted and cannot function without sleep]. Yesterday was terribly unproductive due to exhaustion, and today is the same so far.
I have been doing really well with exercising regularly – walking the dog in the morning and often the evening as well, plus doing the rowing machine/yoga in the morning before work. But when I don’t sleep, I don’t have enough energy to work out or walk the dog, which makes me feel terrible and probably makes the insomnia worse as well.
I am working from home today and I think I’m going to force myself to work out at lunch – maybe that will help me sleep tonight.
One of my biggest concerns is that it seems that I have become dependent on Sonata to sleep. The problem is that I do not know what my alternatives are. My insomnia is absolutely awful. Psychiatrists are in scarce supply in my area. We take my son to a psych. for ADHD and antidepressant meds, but it took 2 months to get an initial consult with him. Should I go back to my PCP and ask her for something else? Xanax? I’m admittedly afraid if I tell her what’s happening, she’ll stop prescribing Sonata and then tell me to go to a psych., and I won’t be able to get an appointment for months. Help!
Brooklyn help
I’m so sorry, I don’t have a lot of time to post, but want to say the LAST thing you need right now is Xanax or another prescription from a PCP.
Time to search online for sleep hygiene recs, make sure you are really following them (with LOTS of pointers what to do when you wake up in the night at 3am and none of them are to take another Sonata).
Can you look for a sleep specialist, which may be easier to find than a psychiatrist, although that would help too? It is harder to find these docs for kids. You can also do telemedicine now, so it really is easier to find a doc for you.
No more excuses! You are going down a slippery path and I am proud of you for posting. You can fix this!
If you post your city, we may be able to make local suggestions too. But telemedicine is wonderful!
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Thank you. I live in the Central Florida area. To clarify, I do see a therapist but not a psychiatrist.
No Problem
As someone who has had insomnia since childhood but never been medicated for it, it is just normal to either have difficulty falling asleep at a reasonable hour or waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. MOST people don’t sleep 8 hours straight through the night, actually. I just…deal with it.
To fall asleep initially, I’ve had a lot of success with turning on a white noise app and focusing on that. For the middle of the night, I eventually fall asleep again (it might be an hour or two, but it happens eventually). If your issue is that your brain won’t shut up or that you’re psyching yourself up about how you can’t fall asleep and now you won’t be able to function tomorrow, that is probably something you can talk to a therapist about. There are a whole bunch of online therapy options now (Better Help, etc.) where you don’t need to see someone in your local area. There are also all of the typical sleep hygiene recs you should be following (sleep in a cool, dark room; use a weighted blanket; no caffeine after noon; no screens for an hour before bedtime; etc.).
I would also recommend not taking the Sonata or any other sleep aids on any nights when you don’t have work obligations the next morning (e.g., weekends if you work M-F).
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Thanks. I wish I could just deal with it, but the past few days I’ve been like a zombie and I am getting absolutely nothing done. I have a good book about sleep hygiene and I’ve been following most of the recs. I don’t ever drink caffeine after 3 pm, and most days, don’t drink it after 10 AM. And I’m in therapy. I’ve brought this up with the therapist before, but he didn’t have any real recommendations, and I didn’t push the point as at the time, things weren’t as bad as they are now. I will try again talking about it with him in more detail.
Anonymous
No sleep hygiene book would tolerate a 5 am sleeping pill or opioids for insomnia. You’ve slipped into drug addiction and need to treat this like the emergency it is
NYCer
+1. This was my first reaction as well.
I would start by making a hard rule against taking a sleeping pill at 5am (or at any middle of the night time after midnight maybe). If you wake up at 5am, that is the start to your day, especially if taking a pill then only “helps” you sleep until 630.
Anon
This, absolutely.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Just to clarify, Sonata would keep me asleep for approx. 3 hours at least. I set my alarm for 6:30 so that’s when I get up.
NYCer
OP, your clarification does not change my recommendation. Taking a sleeping pill at 5am is not healthy or normal.
No Problem
At some point your body will give up and will let you sleep. It might be 3-4 nights of too-little sleep. It might be more. It will be miserable. You just have to power through it without the meds.
Anonymous
– No caffeine after noon, and that includes diet coke
– get a weighted blanket (10% of your bodyweight) — that might help you with your early morning insomnia
– look into melatonin or magnesium to help you fall asleep – magnesium lotions are often most effective (put them on your feet)
– try the sleep app Loona to fall asleep or go back to sleep; it helps a ton when i can’t.
agree with the others to throw out the hydrocodone and wean yourself off Sonata.
Anon
My therapist was useless. My sleep neurologist was not. I don’t think you’re seeing the right specialists.
Anon
I have terrible insomnia and here’s what works for me: follow ALL of the recommendations ALL the time. 90% of the recommendations = terrible sleep.
This is the most important thing in your life right now. Your husband needs to help you as well; if you need to turn the lights down at 10 pm, you turn the lights down at 10 pm. If you don’t get into bed until you’re tired, then he can roll with you hanging out on the couch.
Middle of the night wakeups: I found that putting a pillow underneath my feet works. It lifts my legs, which signals to my body that this is very different from awake time.
Also, concur with the drug addiction aspect.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Will try this. Thank you
Anonymous
For staying asleep (or getting back to sleep more easily when awakened), I’ve had luck with magnesium supplements at bedtime. The challenge is that they are enormous pills, so I don’t always bother to take them.
ATL
I bought some chewable magnesium things (not gummies, more like taffy-textured) at Whole Foods on a whim and they are effective. I feel like I sleep well and the majority of the night on the nights that I take them. Not sure what the brand is but they are grape flavored.
anon
It really is great that you are thinking about this now. Sleeping pill addiction is real and not something that is talked much about. I know people that have been to rehab multiple times for ambien addiction. I would book the appt with a psych so you have it on the schedule but also meet with your PCP to discuss your concerns. They may have sway to get you in somewhere earlier. Agree with the other poster that another rx isn’t wait you need right now. Keep us posted!
Anonymous
Also throw away the opioids you are abusing literally right now.
anon
There is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy called CBT-i which is targeted towards insomnia specifically. There are some ways to do it through an app instead of working with a therapist. Might be something worth trying out.
Anonymous
+1 this worked wonders for me, although my situation was not as severe as yours.
In particular, please try out the sleep restriction patterns. Very counter intuitive, but it massively worked for me.
Disclaimer….Under professional guidance etc
Anonymous
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing. I think you need to talk to your PCP and be honest about ALL of this. Many, many people struggle with opioid use and other types of substance use and there is no shame in seeking help.
Anon
Go to a sleep specialist not a psych. Ask your PCP for a referral. I agree with another poster that you should throw away the hydrocodone TODAY. The last thing you need is another dependency! Please, just take them to a Walgreens and put them in the bin. Do it now.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Thanks to everyone for the helpful comments. I will throw the hydrocodone out. I certainly don’t want to become addicted to it. Does anyone know anyone who has been addicted to Sonata? It’s not an opioid, and I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing is withdrawal, or if this is just how bad my insomnia is when I’m not medicated.
Anon
I’m the person you’re replying to. I was dependent on ambien from about 2008-2010. I wasn’t “addicted” as in seeking higher and higher doses and having it rule my life, but I also couldn’t sleep without it. I went off of it by cutting my pills in half for a while, then cutting them into quarters. But went I finally went off the 1/4 pill, I really didn’t sleep at all for about two nights, and then not very well for a week or two. I talked to my doctor about this afterward and he said if I’d come to him, he would have sent me to sleep specialist for help. So that’s why I recommended that to you.
Best of luck. At least until you can get in to see someone, please stop taking the second Sonata when you wake at night.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Thank you. I will. Are you able to sleep well without meds now?
Anonymous
One of the first results from a google search. Please ask for professional help
https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-17532/sonata-oral/details
Zaleplon should not be used for naps. Do not take a dose of this drug unless you have time for a full night’s sleep of at least 7 to 8 hours. If you have to wake up before that, you may have some memory loss and may have trouble safely doing any activity that requires alertness, such as driving or operating machinery.
Though it helps many people, this medication may sometimes cause addiction. This risk may be higher if you have a substance use disorder (such as overuse of or addiction to drugs/alcohol). Do not increase your dose, take it more often, or use it for a longer time than prescribed. Properly stop the medication when so directed.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Thanks, yes. I don’t have any issues with drowsiness. I also checked the symptoms of Sonata withdrawal and weirdly, I have none of them. I am taking this issue seriously and will be trying many of the recommendations given here.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Meant to say I don’t have issues with drowsiness when taking Sonata 1.5-2 hours before waking.
Anonymous
Are you though? Cause you’re also illegally using drugs.
Addicted to sleeping pills?
Yes. And I know it is a problem, otherwise I would not have posted about it and asked for help. Hope it makes you feel better about yourself to point out someone else’s issues. It’s not helpful to anyone, but I suspect you already knew that.
Anonymous
Honestly no. Taking opioids for insomnia is wildly wildly dangerous and you do not seem to get that at all.
Anonymous
Totally unnecessary and cruel. OP, I wish you the best – it takes a lot of strength to be open about this stuff.
Kat in VA
Attacking OP for trying to get sleep is unnecessarily vicious. Way to kick someone when they’re down.
I’ve had bouts of horrific insomnia in the past and you get to the point where you will do almost anything to get a few hours of sleep.
The zombie feeling is real. Piling on her for trying to get some sleep – and being honest about how she’s doing it, likely knowing she’d get thumped on – isn’t helpful but cruel.
OP, I hope you get the help you need. I was an insomniac (as in 1-3 hours of sleep at BEST) since I was 14. Somewhere around age 45 it died away and now I sleep pretty well (except for hot flashes which are a whole other animal).
I do agree that the Sonata is meant to be used short term and I think you’re definitely dependent on it, and the window of sleep it’s giving you is shorter and shorter, meaning it’s losing its efficacy. Definitely talk to a sleep neurologist or specialist and hopefully you’re on the right track to good, restorative sleep soon.
Anon
I found the ‘sleep’ section of the Calm app helpful. The main takeaway for me was that once you get into bed, your mind suddenly gets free reign to think, and that causes all the wheels to be turning non-stop and so you can’t sleep. What helps is to build in times during the day to settle your mind, do a body scan, and think your underlying thoughts (I first set a timer 3x day and now just do it around mealtimes).
The other thing I would mention is OTC magnesium supplements. I think it’s super dangerous to be just randomly taking hydrocodone to sleep, it is addictive, it is strong medicine, and sleepiness is a side effect – it is for intense pain. Don’t do that to your body and brain. Magnesium deficiencies can cause difficulty falling asleep, it is harmless to take, it is hard to take too much, and there is little way to know if you are deficient because testing doesn’t usually cover that. I take that about an hr before bed. When I’m really wired, I take 3mg melatonin (also not for longterm use). And of course, sunlight early morning helps (a walk or whatever outside).
Nom
I know this is really late but I’m posting anyway in the hope you’re checking back. My partner has similar insomnia issues, and there are 2 things that have helped for him: cutting out caffeinated beverages entirely and working on anxiety/intrusive thoughts.
The half-life of caffeine is a lot longer than most people realize, and even just drinking it in the morning can affect sleep patterns. He does occasionally have a Saturday “cheat day” with real coffee at breakfast/brunch, but I can absolutely tell that he is much more restless that night. There is a genetic component to caffeine sensitivity, and sensitivity can change due to age. It’s hard to give up and there can be physical side effects; the caffeine withdrawal headache is no joke and I 100% recommend tapering off rather than going “cold turkey”.
The anxiety management stuff has come from CBT therapy. The way it improves his sleep quality is because if he does wake up in the middle of the night/early morning, he’s able to use the CBT skills to quiet his brain down and be able to go back to sleep successfully. Although you didn’t describe being anxious, what you said was almost word-for-word what my partner said used to happen when he woke up at night. It sounds like you are already in therapy so maybe you can ask to work on this.
In case it’s helpful, this is what my partner says he told his therapist: “I don’t actively feel anxious, but I I think maybe I need some of those skills to help me get better sleep. When I wake up at night, it’s like my brain turns all the way on and a bunch of thoughts flood in. My jerk brain won’t shut up about work and everything I have to do and ‘Oh! Don’t forget X! …’ And all I want to say is ‘Brain shut the F up so I can actually do all that stuff in the morning!’ So I need to learn whatever skills will help me with that.”
I don’t have any advice about the medication side other than to say you have my sympathy. I have seen how much it sucks when all you want is to get some good sleep but you can’t really rest.
anon
For anyone who has done pelvic floor therapy to correct leaking . . . did it work for you? If so, how long did you do the exercises and/or go to a therapist? And did you have to do the exercises every single day for them to be effective? I went to a therapist in the fall for diastasis recti and leaking. I learned a number of exercises that have helped a bit but I have found it very hard to do it consistently every day. My DR has barely budged and I still definitely leak when I run if I don’t pee immediately before I leave the house. I’m feeling really frustrated and like I must be doing something wrong. I stopped going to the therapist after at least 15-20 sessions but maybe I should start again with another therapist?
Anonymous
Have you looked into Restore Your Core?
Anonymous
I had to do mine morning and night for 6 months to see an improvement. First PT did not do an internal exam and I didn’t see much results. Second PT did an internal exam and worked on making sure I did the exercises correctly. Saw her monthly and did exercises twice a day. No DR though.
Allie
Get another PT! PT quality varies widely and a good one should be able to totally cure DR with targeted exercises that they adjust each session based on evaluation of how youre doing.
Anonymous
I never saw any change at all and eventually had surgery.
Anonymous
I wanted to come to this community first as I know it’s so supportive! Are there any ladies in government relations/lobbying that have resources for someone (me) looking to start the job search? I’m lobbying in house for a company right now and, unfortunately, most folks I know in this space are retained by the company or have a financial interest. Basically, not people who I want to know that I’m looking. I’d like to change jobs in a year-year and a half. I’m at a really toxic workplace currently and am just…so burnt out and unmotivated right now. I’ve tried reaching out on LinkedIn with not much success.
Anon
Just, find jobs in indeed and apply to them. Manatos works too. People like to say it’s all networking to get a job but . . . it hasn’t been for me. Don’t waste another 18 months in a bad job. Leave for something good now.
LDAer
Are you trying to do GR at another company? Or go to gov/think tank/academia/policy accelerator/etc.? If another company, agree to just start applying to posts you see online or that are circulated through your networks. Also, what’s your experience level? I’ve seen or heard of a lot of openings right now.
In House Lobbyist
And where are you? And are you doing state or federal lobbying? Usually in my world (in house financial services company) we leave for competitors. I went from government regulating this industry to law firm representing this industry to working in house for one of my clients. And my next job will likely be a start up in the financial services world or I will become a consultant if my husband’s business takes off the way we expect it to.
Anon
Brad Traverse (.com) has all the DC jobs. Best $5/month (or maybe it’s $10 now?) you’ll spend. Don’t wait 18 months!
Anon
Hi all, low stakes question. I’m looking for a larger drink container I can use for ice water (so not a narrow necked bottle I can’t get the ice cubes into) that has a straw and doesn’t spill when knocked over. At this point I’m just going to accept my klutziness so “just don’t spill it” isn’t a solution.
Cat
Tervis tumbler with the associated straw top.
Anon
Thanks, I just went and checked this out. It really doesn’t spill? Say if knocked off a nightstand onto the rug, the lid doesn’t pop off?
Cat
I haven’t had the lid pop off ever (though obviously wouldn’t use this as a “stash in my tote bag” type of cup) – I have had a small amount of water leak from the straw opening if it’s tipped over full, but nothing dramatic.
emeralds
I have the adult sippy cup Tervis, not the straw top, but I knock mine over regularly and the lid’s never popped off. And unlike Cat, I do chuck mine in my bag occasionally and have never had an issue.
Anon
Paging all ‘rettes in law who have lived and worked in the Gulf before. I am currently an expat – common law qualified – and am considering a move to Saudi, and I wanted to see if anyone had any insights that they could share! If it helps, I’d be moving with a small baby, husband, am currently SA level, in projects / finance space. I remember there were some who posted about this before and wondering how life, and work, actually is! I’m sure the recruiter is painting a very rosy picture.
Anonymous
Why?! Such a terrible place to be a woman.
Eeek
Would you have to abide by all the laws, including the guardianship law? I’d think long and hard about moving there due to the lack of rights for women, unless you had diplomatic immunity as a USG official. Unless there’s some special carveout for foreign women that actually allows them to exercise basic rights like driving and leaving the house or country as they please. (I say this as a Muslim-American so please no flaming about alleged bigotry.)
Anon
As I understand, from the recruiter at least, we’d be living on a compound and working on or close to the compound. The compound is city sized and it is “western” within the compound, if that makes sense. Obviously there is alot more to investigate !!
Anonymous
Sounds like a fancy jail.
Anon
120 degree temperatures and no human rights would make that a hard no for me.
Anonymous
+1. You will have literally no rights as a woman.
anon
I feel like someone mentioned a situation, when this question came up before, about a woman’s husband dying while they were in SA and another male family member had to basically fly in, take over guardianship, and help out because she couldn’t leave the country.
Agree with the other posters that there is no amount of money or prestige that would entice me to move to a country where I have no rights. NO. RIGHTS.
Anon
How much do you trust your husband? Do you have another male relative that could step up for you if he tragically passed? When my friend was there, her husband got alerts on his phone when she was at the airport going through customs. He would have to “okay” it on his phone for her to proceed. With his permission she was “allowed” to have bank accounts and many other “normal” rights. However, when he died in a car accident all of that stopped immediately and she was locked down without access to her bank account until her father could get to her. It was pretty traumatic but obviously she is the absolute worst case scenario.
While he was alive, she loved being there and didn’t find it that different from her prior life (not US but not a Muslim country) but that was because he “authorized” her to have full freedom. I believe they also lived on a compound too.
Anon
Apologies if this posts twice! Paging all ‘rettes with experience living and working in the Gulf. I remember awhile back we had some ladies post about this, and now, I am considering a move to Saudi. I’m already an expat – common law so not an American – and I wonder if the recruiter is painting a very rosy picture indeed. Would welcome some first hand experience of what it is actually like in law there – the role is in-house, I am currently not (SA at a firm). Would be moving with infant, husband, and in the project/finance space.