Tuesday’s TPS Report: Houndstooth Dress – Printed Ponte Elyse

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Cynthia Steffe Houndstooth Dress - Printed Ponte ElyseI really like this houndstooth dress by Cynthia Steffe. The solid black panels on the side would make your waist look ridiculously nipped in, and I like that the black ponte fabric also creates cap sleeves. I would keep my outfit pretty neutral here and probably go with classic black details, maybe with some interesting silver, white gold, or platinum jewelry. The dress is $225 at Bloomingdale’s. Cynthia Steffe Houndstooth Dress – Printed Ponte Elyse

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  1. Ada Doom Starkadder :

    Love this dress!

    Threadjack: Workload Poll
    1. How long have you been at your current job/role?
    2. How would you complete the following sentence:
    My workload has ____________________________.

    My answer:
    2yrs in my current role
    My workload has been far heavier than expected, and is continuing to increase.

    • Hmm. 1 year in my current job. My workload has greatly increased over the past 4-6 months, and I need to get better at organizing it. It’s probably nothing compared to many people, and I don’t think that it would be fair to say that it’s more than I expected, but I got sloppy when it was lighter, and need to get back on track.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I have been in my current role for about 4 months, but have basically been doing what this role explicitly defines for the last two years. My workload has ebbed and flowed, but would probably be too much for a slower worker. However, currently my workload is in a midsummer lull which is allowing me to catch up on administrative and clean up work.

      • We're all above average :

        This is not a knock — I absolutely believe that you are handling your workload and someone slower may not be able to. TRULY. We are all over-achievers here, so it makes sense that we all share that trait. But your, “my workload would be too much for a slower worker,” reminded me of all those “illusory superiority” studies (not my term — that’s the actual term — Wiki it) that reveal that 80something% of people think they are “better than average” in all sorts of categories (attractiveness, productiveness, etc).

        As for me, I think I’m a slacker, so who am I to even talk?!

        • momentsofabsurdity :

          Yeah, that was a kind of douchey thing to say on reread. I was trying to express that a lot of my work when it is flowing, is extremely time sensitive and needs to be done immediately and very quickly, taking whatever shortcuts are necessary, which might overwhelm someone who likes to take their time and double check things (which honestly is not a knock – occasionally, my work gets sloppy because I have to do it so quickly). We have someone like that on our team, and because it doesn’t jive with our work environment or our team, she really struggles.

          But yeah, I definitely sound like an @$$ up there. I blame not enough cofee. Sorry!

          • Men say that kind of stuff all the time. They put a higher value on the quality of their work. That’s why they are able to demand higher salaries and why their employers are willing to give it to them too. If you’re damn good at your job, don’t be afraid to advertise it. If it turns out that you’re not actually as good as you think you are, don’t worry, your employer will let you know.

            I’m one of the best associates my firm has right now. I know it and my firm knows it. I’m paid accordingly and believe me I’m **very** aware of the heightened responsibility. Every day I strive to deserve the salary they pay me and every year they try to pay me enough salary to keep me here. We’re a well-oiled machine.

          • Wannabe Runner :

            AG – Way to kick ass, girl. Keep at it. You’re a hero. :)

        • I don’t think being a slower worker is necessarily a bad thing. Some people do work more slowly and deliberately than others, and those people may not be well-suited for roles that require fast-paced work. I think that’s what momentsofabsurdity meant.

          • Ada Doom Starkadder :

            Yes, I’d taken what momentsofabsurdity said (“slower”) to be a descriptor, rather than a judgment.

    • 2 weeks and 2 days in my current role.

      My workload has made me want to run away to Mexico.

      • Running away doesn’t help!


    • Less than 2 months.
      My workload is nonexistent at the moment. I posted over the weekend that my company has decided to close its North American offices. Everything on my task list is now irrelevant.

      • Bunkster, we need to make sure that we have the Boston happy hour this month so we can all brainstorm options with you! Hive mind to the rescue!!! Because the blows.

      • I saw this earlier, Bunkster. I am so sorry.

      • MaggieLizer :

        Oh no, that’s terrible! I’m sorry this happened to you. Hopefully they’ll give you a few months and a cushy severance package.

      • Sorry to hear that :-(

      • That blows. Sorry Bunkster =/

      • Diana Barry :

        So sorry, Bunkster, that really s*cks.

      • I wish I could fire the IT clowns at my office and give you their jobs. Sorry, Bunkster.

      • Ugh, sorry to hear this news. Any chance you can get back in touch with the other employer that made you an offer?

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Aw, Bunkster, that totally sucks. Why were they hiring?!

      • The only silver cloud I can think of is that at least you are away from your former boss.

    • Diana Barry :

      4 yrs at this job. My workload varies from comfortably busy (read: I can actually make my hours) to uncomfortably slow (read: I have to stretch work to fill time and can’t make my hours). None of my work is time sensitive–this area of law means no emergencies, so I have to worry about making my hours. Very annoying, especially when you work fast.

      • Same here, 3 years at this job.
        I am a very fast worker and I am the go to person for emergencies even outside of my scope of influence.
        But I often get empty time slots during the day and it takes a great deal of self motivation to get my ADD self to work on boring things like sorting through my inbox, answering some old emails, etc.

    • 10 months in my current job. Workflow ebbs and flows, but I wish it would flow more like a river and less like a babbling brook (I like to stay busy). Currently transitioning from one department to another, so expecting it to pick up soon.

    • MaggieLizer :

      About a month at my current job. My workload has been inconsistent. We’ve been slow this summer, which means I’m not getting tasked with new cases and I only get brought in on things on an as-needed basis. Which of course is always at 5 pm when I have happy hour or dinner plans. Once I get my own cases I know it’ll be better, but right now it’s kind of like being a first year again (except I get quality work and not endless doc review, which I’m really thankful for).

    • emcsquared :

      1. I’ve been in my current role for almost exactly 1 year

      2. My workload bounces wildly from “worried about hours” to 250+ hour months that cause me to break out in stress-induced allergic reactions, with no middle ground. June was agonizingly slow, July has been unbearably slow, and August/September is shaping up to be a hurricane of closings.

    • 1.5 years.
      My workload has increased dramatically. Some due to natural progression in development but much is the result of recent layoffs.

    • 1.5 years in my current role. My workload has been maneageable. There was a major project that kept me pretty busy for a while (and the clean-up from that is continuing to fill my time). But as that winds down, I’m looking forward to moving onto some other projects that have been back-burnered.

      One of the things I really appreciate about my boss is that it would be very easy for me to get pulled into supporting other groups but he has been very good about drawing the line they need to get their own resources and not use me for “free”.

    • I have been in my current position for 4 months.

      My workload has been generally far LESS than I expected, but will likely increase after I return from maternity leave. I am very grateful my workplace has accommodated me while I have been pregnant and very tired during one of the hottest summers in recent memory.

    • 1. How long have you been at your current job/role?
      5 years/2 years, respectively. I’m a lawyer; was promoted to a supervisory role 2 years ago.

      2. How would you complete the following sentence:
      My workload has ____________________________.

      Feast or famine. Luckily, my job is extremely flexible so in times of famine I don’t have to sit around being useless. Feast periods tend to entail working 12+ hours a day every day continuously for three or more weeks.

      • I’ve been at my job for 5 years, and it’s also feast or famine. Unfortunately I work in the govt, so in times of famine, I just sit and watch the minutes go by.

        • This would drive me nuts. I get comp days for my weekend and holiday work during times of feast, so during times of famine I’m all, see ya, b!tches! :)

    • 1. One year
      2. My workload has made me want to run away to Mexico. (thanks DC Jenny)

      And yet, I’m here on this site, instead of conquering the growing pile of things to do, because I can’t find a place to start, even though I know if I just start somewhere it’ll help.

      • The New Yorker has a cartoon for everything.


    • 3 years. Workload is a rising tide that lifts all boats. I shouldn’t complain but I am a slacker at heart.

      • Five months. Workload is almost non-existent. It makes me crazy. (And results in too many posts here.)

    • 4 years – my workload has not slowed since starting and usually June/July/August are my worst months. That said…I have an intern now and he’s a godsend.

    • Amelia Pond :

      I have been here for 3 years. (Yikes!!!)
      My workload: last week I spent 6 hours on Pinterest. I have about 2 weeks of work every month and have been told to slow down because I finish things too quickly. Mainly because I have nothing else to do. Hopefully when we close our new contract I will be doing something more.

    • In current position: 1 year
      Workload: not quite as busy as I’d like, but slowly building. Any given day can be crazy or dead.

    • I’ ve been in my current role 9 months. The workload ebbs & flows during the month, but is manageable. I could probably take on a little more.

    • I have been at this job 3 years and 8 months.
      I always have things to work on and the workflow is generally comfortable. A few years ago it was crazy busy, but we have started a new way of assigning cases that really helps the flow of work. I do the same amount of work I think, but I can better manage my time.

  2. Depending on how it fit in real life, especially the length and the neck line, I might be in love. Kind of out of the budget…but still. I do so love it.

    • Agreed – I love it in theory, but I’d have to see it in person and try it on (and of course have the budget for it). Also love Lyssa’s suggestion (below) of bright heels.

      • Though I’d have to think long and hard about a polyester blend, dry-clean only dress. It would be so hot all the time.

        Also…curses to bloomies for linking to this item in the “other items you might like” side panel. How did they KNOW. http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/joie-blouse-exclusive-marru-matte-silk-pleated?ID=617570&CategoryID=2911

        I mean. Its WAY out of budget for a top…but SO pretty.

        • I was going to link to a really similar top from Piperlime that I bought earlier this year, but it looks like they don’t have it anymore. When I was looking for it, though, I came across this top that looks a lot like the one Kat featured last week: http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=64474&vid=1&pid=267535&scid=267535022

          • And on that note, I need to plug for Piperlime. They have some really well-priced brands, and everything I’ve bought from them has been really high quality. Plus free shipping and free returns, and you can use your Banana card and rewards. It’s all a win in my book!

          • I have that Pim and Larkin eyelet. I’ve worn it multiple times this summer and receive many compliments. Runs TTS. When I purchased it, it only came in white. I’m debating red.

        • I KNOW – the blouse is gorgeous.

          And b23 – that top is really cute too. But, how do people wear those blouses? I’d think you’d need someone to zip you in.

        • Love that Bloomie’s blouse! I need some new long-sleeve tops to wear under suits for the fall.

          (PS: Sometimes I forget and go by Rosie on this site. Apologies to the other Rosie that posts on here! I’ll try to stick to Rosalita.)

    • Gah! I love it, too!

  3. I love this on the model; it’s really striking.

    I know that Kat said neutrals, but I’m really seeing this with bright colbalt shoes.

  4. I like this pick a lot.

    Thanks to the hive for encouraging me to go to the sushi dinner last night. It was incredible.

  5. Threadjack to beg for good thoughts from the hive… I’ve been job searching for almost a year and a half and I’ve been in my current position (of the boss who left work and made us stay when the A/C was broken, barely gives vacation, makes comments about female attorneys being b—-s, asks if female clients are hot, etc.) since December. In house positions opened up at my sister’s former employer and her former bosses agreed to reach out to the general counsel and deputy general counsel about my applications. It’s a bit of a stretch resume-wise (they’re looking for specific practice area experience I don’t have, although I have more years as an attorney than they are requiring), but I know I could do a great job in the areas they want and it would be so nice to work at a normal company again.

  6. TO lawyer :

    TJ: need a hair straightener recommendation!

    I have long, thick curly hair that I usually straighten with a flat-iron. Last night, my trusty CHI broke on me (mid-straightening but that’s another story), so I need to replace it. Any reccomendations?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I used to have a GHD and I really loved it. Left my hair soft and silky. Unfortunately, I tried to use it in Europe and it both blew a fuse in the hotel and broke. Couldn’t afford a new one so now I just have a Wet2Straight, which also works but not as extraordinarily.

      • I have a Wet2Straight that doesn’t work very well at all. Would not recommend.

    • Kontraktor :

      I’ve used CHI and Solia flat irons… honestly I am not sure if I can tell the difference. I think I’ve had 2 Solias and 1 CHI. I think the Solias have lasted better, but not so much so that I would never buy a CHI again. I would recommend Folica dot com for reviews to see what people are saying about different brands these days.

    • locomotive :

      I’ve got a chi. Had it for 4 years (since college!) and it has not failed yet. When I got cheaper remington hair straighteners, I used to replace it every 2 years or so so I would fall in favor of paying a little more now for longer term use (it’s not ridiculous – a 1/2 inch chi straightener can be bought for under $150 I believe).

    • Love the Sedu ceramic straightener. I bought my Sedu in 2005 from folica dot com and it is still going strong. It’s not cheap but I wouldn’t think twice about buying it again if my current one finally putters out some day.

      • Kontraktor :

        Oh I forgot, I totally had a Sedu at one point! I think my litany went: Sedu, CHI, Solia. I actually liked my Sedu the best, but I too stupidly tried to use it with a voltage converter overseas and it died. I recommend this brand too. Honestly I feel you can’t go wrong with Sedu, CHI, Solia, those types of brands reviewed on folica.

    • My Chi broke fairly recently, and at that time Chi had a policy that they would fix or replace your Chi if you send it in. I think with a receipt it’s free, and without one it was about $30. You should look in to it!

      • I’ve had my Chi for about 7 years now, though granted it gets very little use. Its the only thing I’ve found that gets it really straight, but I just can’t bring myself to spend 60-90 minutes burning the curl out of my hair every other day.

        I think this has been discussed before, but is it that bad to just go curly and rock it? My plan is to wear my long, very curly hair either up, or with the front pulled back so its polished but still obviously curly. Is that a kiss of death in the professional world?

        (Just so we’re clear, I’m not judging anyone else’s choice to straighten or not, if you prefer it that way. I just worry about those of us who feel we “have” to…)

        • Of course not. It should just look polished . Curly hair just got a bad wrap because some types (like mine) can look like a total rats nest if you let it just air dry naturally. So find a way to minimize frizz and just look professional

        • This came up not too long ago, and I think everyone said curly hair can absolutely be professional. I still agree, but I was just talking yesterday with a curly-haired colleague who has had some bad experiences. She said that she had numerous people comment on her hair looking “messy” even when it was neatly pulled back the last time she was doing interviews. Partly it’s the nature of the interviews that made it hard to keep even her professional ‘do under control — think OCI on steroids: all-day running around doing dozens of interviews in a day — but she said that the next time she interviews, she’ll definitely straighten. Her takeaway was good, I think, which was that even though most people are totally fine with curly hair, it only takes one person in an interview who thinks you look less than professional. The same could be true in other circumstances (like court), so be aware.

          • This. I always straighten my hair for interviews and very often straighten it for court but rarely do for client meetings/regular days in office. It’s a first impression thing.

        • Curly pride! Straighten if it makes you happy, but don’t let anyone make you think you have to… We women have enough to worry about without repressing our hair – curls aren’t any more a kiss of professional death than being female, so rock it however you like.

        • Kontraktor :

          It depends on the hair. Some curly hair looks fantabulous when worn naturally/with just a bit of product. Other types of hair look totally unruly without some sort of intervention. My hair falls in the second category. It is too wavy to be straight but not wavy enough to be curly. I like to describe my hair type as ‘ugly.’ It HAS to be treated with something, either a curling iron, flat iron, etc. It even required a bit of work when I hacked it all off to pixie length (now I am growing out and seriously debating why I want to go back to the ugly and longer it was before that made me chop in the first place). So, I think it’s less ‘is curly hair professional’ and more ‘people should make sure their hair is neat, styled, and professional based on their hair type,’ meaning does it look like it is in place, does it suit the person well, does it seem polished, etc.

          • Mine is like yours – wavy, but neither curly nor straight.

            I’ve discovered if I put some curl product in there, and blow dry with a loose small/medium round brush, it lays in loose waves. It looks perfectly professional, and like the kind of hairstyle that women with straight hair would use hot rollers to get. It doesn’t hurt that waves are in right now – see, e.g., Taylor Swift.

            Please don’t refer to your hair as “ugly”! It’s perfect the way it is. You just need to (as I think of it it) figure out how to harness its powers for good.

            A good stylist helps.

    • LinLondon :

      I have a GHD and it’s amazing. I used a CHI before and prefer the GHD. I think it goes through my hair a lot more smoothly. (bra-length curly hair here)

  7. DC meetup is tomorrow at 6:30 at the upstairs bar of Clyde’s in Chinatown. Hope to see you there!

    • Honey Pillows :

      Oh no! I have a meeting on Wednesday!

    • Sorry I won’t be able to make it either. I look forward to meeting you ladies next time. And thanks for taking the lead on organizing, Bonnie!

    • I said the forbidden word and got stuck in moderation. Twice.

      Is there a reservation so that if I ask where to go for [this website] they will point me in the right direction? I can just wander around shouting “[this website]? [this website]?” if need be.

      Read more: http://corporette.com/2012/07/17/tuesdays-tps-report-houndstooth-dress-printed-ponte-elyse/#ixzz20to4wIDu

    • There should be a sign for us. I’ll try to get there early (or at least on time!) and will be wearing a pink skirt.

  8. LOVE this dress. The model has ridiculously long legs, though. Wonder how it would look on dumpy little me.

    • I kind of feel like it would be flattering on a lot of figures. I like it too.

  9. TJ: My SO and I had an argument this morning and I’m really hurt. We are miles apart politically and I am respectful of our differences and say nothing hurtful. The worst thing I’ve ever said to him was that I didn’t think Newt Gingrich was electable – and I didn’t say anything nasty about Newt! I dislike political rhetoric. My SO says he’s not political but he tosses out political barbs and angry rhetoric pretty regularly (like the president is an a$$ and a socialist). He says he holds back out of respect to me, but honestly, if this is holding back, I am frightened. He is anti gay marriage and adoption and I’ve seen too many of my friends be hurt by this kind of thinking. But I say very little to him. He, on the other hand, told me last week that while he has no problem with people being gay, he doesn’t like the idea of gay “couples.” He says it’s a good thing we don’t live together and I guess that’s true. We are so well-suited to one another otherwise and I do love him and he loves me, but this really hurts me. He hung up on me this morning because I told him he needed to get a better attitude. Any thoughts?

    • Sorry that you’re going through this, NOLA. For what it’s worth, I don’t think couples have to see eye-to-eye 100% politically to be compatible, but you have to be able to respect each other despite your differing opinions. And at any rate, I’m sending good thoughts your way.

    • LeChouette :

      It sounds to me like the problem is not just that you have differing political views but that he is at best inconsiderate of your feelings and at worst lets his anger make his behavior cross the line into inappropriate. Saying you are “frightened” by his angry rhetoric is a flashing red light to me. I have dated people across the political aisle from me before and it was not a problem, so it is not as though I think people with contrasting political views can never make it work, but it sounds to me like he has trouble keeping a lid on it and being respectful of your feelings.


      (as a side note, as someone with close gay family members, I find his statement that “he doesn’t like the idea of gay couples” to be bigoted, which again, seems across the line from just conservative politics / opposing state-sanctioned gay marriage).

      • long time lurker :

        Ditto on the bigotry against gay people. As someone who also has gay family members, I could not get past that.

        • I’ve had a hard time with it for a long time. I have many gay friends who are in long-term relationships. One person can’t get health insurance and can’t get it through his partner. The other couple moved away from their families to Portland so they could adopt. They have two beautiful children.

      • Yeah I feel like that line is pretty standard for homophobia/racism. oh your fine with gay people as long as they arent being gay? ummm

        • Anonymous Poser :

          Totally serious topic all-round, but thank you for the laugh, cfm. Point nicely made and for some reason it also amuses me.

        • I find this trope totally odious. “I have no problem with gay people, they just don’t deserve the same legal rights we have.” But “I have a problem with gay COUPLES” takes it to a whole other level. Gay people should stay in the closet? They should be single while sleeping with other people’s “straight” spouses? Have one-night stands only?

      • When I said “frightened” I just meant that if this is holding back, I’d hate to think what it would be like if he wasn’t holding back. He says he has a temper but, honestly, he doesn’t let that fly around me. He is, in general, very respectful of me.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Yep, I also have family and friends that are gay. I’m liberal (though out here, I’m middle of the road lol, oh SF I love you), so homophobia is as much a dealbreaker for me as racism, no question at all. Dawn also makes a wonderful point – what if your child is gay? My relative is dealing with coming out to his conservative parents and it’s just AWFUL. And as I recall, this guy has been giving you a hard time recently about distance – didn’t he recently announce that he’s moving away and not coming back? Gosh, NOLA. While I know that I can never know everything about any other relationship than mine, you’ve shared a couple situations that seem like red flags to me personally. While I won’t pile on with DTMFA, I do encourage you to ask yourself if the cons of this guy are outweighing the pros at this point.

        • This. Especially the part about what if you have a gay child. Mr. TBK is much more politically right wing than I am, and we live in DC so we talk politics all the time, but I don’t think he would act the way you’re describing your SO acting. I agree with people who’ve said it’s not about views; it’s about respect.

    • Motoko Kusanagi :

      Date someone who won’t belittle your differences in opinions?

      Having different beliefs and discussing them is very different from having a complete lack of respect for someone else’s right to have different beliefs. I have no problem with the former, and a lot of problems with the latter.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Yes, dump him and move on. Don’t silence yourself to please a man.

      Or, stay and fight. Him – I’m not comfortable with gay couples. You- I’m not comfortable with bigots who bully me when I fail to conform myself to their wishes.

    • D Train South :

      Interesting that he is okay with gay people, as long as they don’t have family values . . .

      Perhaps you need to explain to him that while it is okay with you that you disagree on a variety of political/social issues, you can’t tolerate personal attacks based on the fact that you disagree with him on something. It really is a respect issue from my perspective.

      • Yeah I have thought that first part was very odd, too. I’ve asked him why he/people believe that gay marriage somehow threatens heterosexual marriage and he can’t articulate it and he can’t be swayed.

    • You don’t sound well suited at all, honestly. You have different beliefs about equality, you fight completely different, he seems to be super sensitive and defensive.

      Honestly, if your description of an SO ever involved frightened, its DTMFA. I’m not saying he would ever be violent, but when someone makes you frightened of their reactions, its no way to live.

      • also wanted to add I am sorry you are going through this. When I started typing this out no one had responded yet, so sorry it looks like I piled it on with the dtmfa. For what its worth my bf and I don’t match up politically. if 1 is one side and 10 is the other, we are like a 4 and a 7. We have some really interesting discussions but we are also really respectful, and if one senses the other is just a tad to tired or sensitive that day, topic quickly changes to movies or something. Your problem isn’t your different political values, its that you really don’t match up.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      If he can’t fight fairly about politics, will he fight fairly about anything else in your lives together? For me, being politically opposite is a deal breaker b/c it means we are also opposite on social and moral causes I hold near and dear. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have dated someone who voted opposite me or was registered with the other party. But if they are against everything my party is for and vice versa, it just wouldn’t work out. Also, if anyone can’t politely debate the pros and cons of any argument, they aren’t for me.

      • x1,000 about the fighting fairly. Also agree that for me being with someone of such opposite political views would be tough because it also affects so much of how you see everyday life.

    • I am mad at my SO, so there may be some extra venom in this post.

      Your SO sounds like an a**. He may “love” you, but he doesn’t respect you and your beliefs. He also doesn’t respect your friends. I’m not sure what type of love that is, but it sounds pretty crappy. You can disagree politically all you want, but there is a basic level of respect you should have to be in a relationship and judging by this snippet he can’t control his hostility on the issue du jour. I also don’t know how I would tolerate a grown man hanging up on me, rather than saying “I’m upset and need some time to cool off.” Sounds to me as though he has some maturing to do.

      Finally, and this is a personal preference, but really are you okay with dating someone who believes these things? Everyone has the right to believe what they choose for whatever reason, but I don’t know that I could be with someone who thought it was okay to personally attack my friends because of their sexuality (even if its for religious reasons – assuming here of course). That’s just my comfort level, but you should asses your own.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      NOLA, was it you who posted about your significant other moving out of town without you? If so, maybe he is just more open to arguing now because he thinks it will make things easier when he leaves. Sorry if I got you confused with someone else!

      He says he is holding back, but can you guys agree to just not discuss politics at all?

      • No, it was me. He has somewhat put off the move and, honestly, still wants to maintain the relationship after he moved. My standard answer is “We’ll see.”

        I thought we had agreed not to discuss politics but he can’t stop himself from throwing out the little barbs. The whole thing started this morning when I said I needed to make doctor’s appointments and he replied “Obamacare will make us all stronger.” Seriously.

        • He’s not allowed to throw barbs. I’m catholic and my s/o is atheist. I do not make snide comments nor does he insult my God. He will attend social gatherings with me if I ask and I recently attended an atheist versus christian debate with him.

          We generally don’t discuss the differences, but when we do (such as after the debate) we were able to have a very civilized and respectful conversation. Under the table comments that just “slip out” are not respectful. He’s a grown man, surely he can control what comes out of his mouth?

        • dude – you guys “agreed not to discuss politics”? Look, there is some pretty heavy sh!t going on these days cloaked as political debate– gay marriage being one of those issues. I don’t think couples need to see eye to eye on every political issue, but there are some core issues that reflect an individual’s fundamental beliefs and view of the world.

          As someone who spent some time in a relationship with a homophobe, I’m here to tell you that it is a dealbreaker if you’re not on the same page there. You’re talking about plain ole’ bigotry. What if he said he was okay with the idea of black/white people finding each other attractive, but he didn’t like mixed couples? Would that be cool? You have gay friends. Are you okay being with someone that really believes that some of your friends should be less equal than the rest of us? Are you okay with your gay friends knowing you’re with someone who believes they should be second-class citizens because of their sexuality?

          Just some thoughts.

        • Also, one other thing. It doesn’t sound like the problem is that he truly can’t help himself, and these vitriolic comments just slip out. Let’s be real. The problem is that he is not able to tolerate your beliefs and political views. This one’s not on you; it’s on him.

          • I’m not sure if it’s that he can’t tolerate my views or rather that he can’t stop himself from expressing his.

          • Sounds like it might be the same thing.

            Also agree with the sister* above who suggested that more arguing from him might be a way of emotionally pulling away from this relationship, if he doesn’t see it as permanent.

            *Since ‘ r e t t e is now blocked, I saw someone else use “sister” on this site and like using it.

    • When I met my now-husband, he was a Republican and we had very VERY different views on fiscal policies (six years and many debates have brought us closer together….). But I count my blessings that he was always a social liberal. Because while you don’t have to agree about everything with your SO, at a certain point, my values wouldn’t let me be with someone who thinks my best friend who’s married to her wife is in a less-valuable marriage than I am. And more…I shouldn’t have to worry that when my gay and lesbian friends get married, that I’m going to have to sneak away to attend or RSVP no to avoid getting in a fight with my husband (instead he comes and cries like a baby during the toasts….don’t tell him I told!)

      BUT (and this is a big but), that’s my choice. I couldn’t make that choice for you. But from the little I get from the paragraph you wrote is that he (a) doesn’t listen to your opinion, (b) that you’re scared to disagree with him and (c) that you have to listen to him say things that you find both frightening and offensive semi-regularly. I understand that you love him, but you shouldn’t have to tolerate that sort of behavior for love. It shouldn’t be that hard.

    • No advice — but I understand. SO and I are similarly divergent on political views. The economics/foreign policy/healthcare differences really don’t bother me, but things like gay marriage and equality in general really do.

    • I’m sorry – his actions definitely sound hurtful. I agree with 30; differing political views matter less than the way you express them and whether you can respect those differences.

      BUT – and this is my own qualifier – I don’t think I could be with someone whose social values greatly differed from mine (I could be with someone who disagreed with me about the role of the federal gov’t versus states rights. But I don’t think I could be with someone who is repulsed by gay couples or gay adoption). So, based solely on that, I think you may want to reassess whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who holds wildly opposing views.

      • I completely agree with everything CW said. Differing politics are fine if you’re respectful but things that get into “values” territory are tougher. I know lots of couples who don’t agree on foreign policy or fiscal policy and who have one member with weird rules like “I always vote against the incumbent” but they respectfully agree to disagree and it’s no big deal. But that being said, most of those couples generally agree or are not far apart on more personal issues like gay rights and abortion.

    • Some people are really political (even if they say that they are not), and some are not. It sounds like he is and you are not. My take would be that you two probably are not compatable for it, not necessarily because you have differences in beliefs, but because you have differences in style that are not compatable.

      My general rule for obnoxious personality traits of an SO is: Assume that he won’t change this behavior in any way. Is being in the relationship worth putting up with it? If yes, learn to live with it; if no, well, you know what you have to do, and better now than later.

      • Good call. Remember that old adage: Men marry women hoping they won’t change. Women marry men hoping they will change.

    • So…I wrote a much longer, thought out post that got caught up by the evil mod-bot. But NOLA, I just wanted to say that you are an awesome, strong, cool woman. And this guy has done some pretty unacceptable thing … between coming home and just announcing he was moving away and this.

      Anyway. I know its complicated and no one can tell you over the internet what’s right or wrong in a relationship, but I think if a friend or your sister or some other poster on here told you about a guy doing these things to her, you’d know what you would probably say.

      • Thanks so much. You are awesome. This whole thing this morning really shook me. I wanted to tell him to go to his other house and stay there and leave me alone. We rarely fight and I am actually the meaner fighter of the two of us. I have a lot of thinking to do.

    • I have a feeling you don’t want to listen, but I also think you are not well-suited for eachother and it is time to move on. What if you had a child together who happened to be gay? I think your political views are too far apart.

      • Having a child together isn’t an issue. He is a grandfather and I am 47. Not gonna happen.

        • He’s a grandfather and he’s hanging up on you? I honestly can’t remember the last time I either hung up on someone or was hung up on. That seems incredibly childish (in addition to what everyone else has said, above).

          • To be fair, I didn’t characterize it correctly. We were chatting online, not on the phone. He just wrote “Have a good day. bye” and disconnected suddenly.

          • distinction without a difference. still childish for anyone above the age of 15.

        • SoCal Gal :

          Wow. That stuns me. I was picturing a frattish young lout. Old enough to know better, for sure.

    • I don’t think it’s his politics that are a problem here, but his disrespect toward you. It sounds like he becomes hotheaded when someone disagrees with him. That’s not a dealbreaker on its own, but he needs to avoid topics that cause him to become hotheaded and he needs to realize that his actions were hurtful and disrespectful and apologize to you. Making mean comments and hanging up on people is rude and juvenile. Once you’ve both calmed down, you should have a sit-down and talk about this. If he reacts in a hotheaded manner, you should consider carefully whether this is really a flaw you can live with.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I agree that the problem is not necessarily that you disagree, but how you disagree. But I have to say – it would be hard for me to date someone I disagreed with on social issues (I have dated people I disagreed with on fiscal issues and that was fine – I think maybe because fiscal issues are less emotionally charged?).

      • Ada Doom Starkadder :

        [reposting to avoid moderation]

        Agree with you & others who have said it’s how you disagree. He doesn’t seem able/willing to discuss in an articulate manner. Devolving to name-calling (against politicians), or resorting to catch-phrases are not part of meaningful discussion. Throwing barbs is immature.

        Is he able to discuss other topics in an articulate matter? If not, then I don’t really see this as being more than a fun “companionship/extended fling” type relationship.

        But that reflects my preferences– I would not consider a relationship in which I can’t have respectful, articulate discussions and debates about points of difference to be a “real relationship.” It would seem like I was only dating a sliver of the person, instead of the whole person.

    • MaggieLizer :

      There’s a difference between having differing political views and having differing values. I have plenty of very close friends who are politically opposite from me – mainly we disagree about the role of government – but we share core values like supporting liberty, equality, and fairness. Having different values makes it tough to understand, and perhaps even respect, another person’s perspective because s/he’s starting from a totally different set of assumptions. It’s especially difficult for a relationship because you want to feel that your partner supports and understands you, and also looking to the future, if you want kids, you need to agree on the values you want to raise them with.

      Also, try to fight fair. You said above that you’re the meaner fighter, and in your original post you said you told him “he needed to get a better attitude” (which sounds totally correct, but probably not the most constructive way to say that). Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you should 1) know you conducted yourself with integrity in it, and 2) use every disagreement as an opportunity to improve your fighting-in-a-relationship skills. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs to you.

      • Totally agree about the fighting thing. I hold a lot back and then, when I’m pushed, I can get mean. I’m trying to work on that.

        • I’m like that too. As for the current situation, I wish you well. I don’t have any great advice but am giving you internet hugs.

          • Thanks. You all are so incredible. I feel so much better even though all of you are confirming my concerns. I guess I was willing to put up with this because we don’t live together and have no intention of getting married. From the beginning, we have never been certain that this relationship was for the long term but we have weathered a lot and have been together for six years. It could be that his move will make this all moot. I just don’t know. I have to get my head together about it.

          • NOLA, sweetie, I don’t have time to be online, but just wanted to send you huuuugeee internet hugs, b/c you have been so amazing to me and everyone else here… you don’t deserve for anyone to make you feel bad, you are the kick-a$$ingest woman ever! ;o)

          • i'm like this too :

            NOLA, If I could politely and respectfully suggest that it is interesting that you will accept relationship conditions in the short-term because you think that the relationship is not intended for the long-term. Opportunity cost is the biggest factor in dating – when you are spending six years emotionally invested in someone that you can’t imagine spending the long-run with, you have missed out on 6 years of potentially meeting someone that you would love to spend the long-run with. Obviously, only you know if you are happy with the relationship and how the relationship fits in with your values and life.

    • Sorry about the conflict, NOLA. Fwiw, homophobia is a deal-breaker for me, and although I know you can’t go back in time or anything, it might be worth some soul-searching to see whether this conflict is one that really does reveal some incompatibilities.

    • I dated someone for awhile that almost broke up with me when he thought I voted for Bush, but when we discussed political issues we both did so with respect for one another. While we disagreed and ultimately that may have been a deal breaker for him, he never made me feel bad in the way you’re describing.
      I agree 100% with Blonde Lawyer about knowing how to “fight fairly.”

    • Anonymous :

      Yikes. Conservative folks I know *love* adoption. Anything family-y, religious-y, and seemingly selfless, money-where-your-mouth-is, often SAHM-ish, etc. I don’t think finding fault with *adoption* is a hallmark of conservative people. Or liberal. That’s just weird.

    • I think I’m taking this on a bit of a related tangent, but some of the responses remind me of the recent uproar re Brad Pitt’s mom and her (conservative, homophobic) views. His brother released what I thought was a thoughtful response. I don’t really care for talking politics in general, mostly because I have a strong aversion to the way people on both sides of the spectrum characterize the other side. I am more of an independent/civil libertarian/live and let live type of person, so maybe my failure to identify with either the left or the right makes me feel this way. My point here though is that lovely, nice, kind people can hold some very not lovely views on things because, you know, people are complicated.

      My parents are some of the kindest people I have ever met, and they are opposed to gay marriage (though ok with civil unions) and are generally uncomfortable with homosexuality, though they acknowledge it exists. I don’t agree with them on this particular point, but I resent strongly when people, including many of my grad school friends who grew up in liberal bubbles, suggest that anyone who holds this particular view is a hateful moronic bigot. It’s just not true. People are complicated and complex and capable of holding simultaneous, contradictory beliefs. They’re also sometimes just plain wrong, but there is a difference between being wrong and being malicious/hateful/moronic. My point is, the fact that NOLA’s SO holds these particular beliefs does not make him categorically a bad person.

      NOLA: I do think its important for long term committed couples to have compatible beliefs. This can mean that you disagree but are particularly political or passionate about it (or one person is passionate and the other doesn’t care). Only you can decide how important it is to you. Does he fight this way about other things or just politics?

      • Anon because I agree :

        Thanks for writing this. This comment has needed to be said. I really dislike the automatic categorization that just because one’s opinion on whatever social issue isn’t the liberal one that matches yours, that it automatically renders that person hateful and horrible and means they clearly haven’t thought out their opinions and go around hating all these people and setting their houses on fire in some crusade of evil.

        • I don’t think it means your hateful. My first reaction, honestly, the first time I saw two guys kissing was “that’s weird.” (I was 20). I didn’t grow up in a liberal bubble, I didn’t grow up knowing anyone that was gay, and I saw it and thought it was weird. But I realize that is my issue. I also have never heard an argument against gay marriage that wasn’t religious or biased. I’ve listened to arguments about family life, economics, state tax implications. None have made any sense in the argument against gay marriage. So I think that people who are against it need to look at why they are against, and realized they are biased people. It doesn’t make them bad or evil or that they hate those people. I think its a natural reaction to feel that things that are different are weird. Its a bad natural reaction, but plenty of people throughout history have felt that way. The point is what you do after that.

        • AnnonDiva :

          The non-liberal attitude on social issues is always the old school discriminatory, biased and bigoted opinion held by the privileged who are never the ones actually have to deal with the consequences of their beliefs simply because they were born lucky (right color/religion/gender/se*ual orientation). For me personally, someone who is not liberal on social issues (equal pay for women, civil rights, gays marriage, women’s rights) is not someone I would consider for close friendship or relationship, may be at most a cordial forced acquaintance due to work or other situation.

          • Anon because I agree :

            Right, and that view isn’t bigoted at all!!

            Imagine the reaction if I took your words exactly and said a gay person “is not someone I would consider for close friendship or relationship, may be at most a cordial forced acquaintance due to work or other situation.” I’d be stoned off this board.

            But you just said that about basically anybody who you disagree with, and yet, that is apparently okay. So, it’s not okay to feel that way about a gay person/whatever. But it is okay to feel that way about a religious person or somebody else who doesn’t have your exact world view. Yeah. Makes so much sense.

          • Ada Doom Starkadder :

            @anon because I agree

            No, you’re missing an important distinction.

            AnnonDiva is defining a bigot as someone who rejects entire groups of people based on demography and traits that can’t easily be changed (skin color, gender, orientation.)

            AnnonDiva is rejecting people based on their behavior. That is entirely different. The behavior in question is whether the person exhibits bigotry or not.

            AnnonDiva isn’t saying that she won’t be friends with people who disagree with her for *any reason*.

          • Ok you are confusing being bigoted against someone because of something they can’t change, and being bigoted against someone who chooses to hold a bigoted belief.

            You just called someone who hates everyone named adolph, and someone who hates everyone who is a nazi, the same.

            If you believe that gays shouldn’t belong to or practice your religion or even hate them and think they are going to hell, that is fine with me. It just has nothing to do with the legality of marriage.

          • AnnonDiva :

            Thanks @cfm and @Ada Doom Starkadder, you have articulated my position much better, exactly what I meant to say.

            I believe in choosing my close friends/SO based on compatible social values. I intend to spend my free time and build a life (in case of SO) with them and it will be a deal breaker for me. Their views on such issues trump all else (education/attraction/chemistry) because they are interconnected and I cannot compartmentalize their political views as separate from rest of the relationship. They may have widely different interests in sports/music/hobbies/diet/religion etc, I do enjoy, appreciate and respect those. I may exclude certain people from my social circle but then we may not have much in common for the long term anyway.

            I am out of this discussion now, peace ! Good luck to NOLA on sorting it out with her SO.

      • My take on this: I don’t think it is necessarily important for a couple to have similar beliefs and values (especially if you aren’t planning to raise children together), and good discussions about important issues with someone who disagrees can be great. But some traits become more important in that situation compared to a couple who are largely on the same page. These are respect, humor, and the ability to let go.

        Also, on the issue of gay rights, a friend of mine very recently told me that her thinking on the issue had evolved. So there is hope! :) People can grow and even if I’d write off someone’s beliefs, I wouldn’t necessarily give up on the person. I personally might feel different about an SO, but if there is enough about the relationship that you value, it may be worth it to try to find ways to live with the differences.

      • Elle Urker :

        And just to respond to this: I’m a POC who has met too many hateful,racist “grandparents” who got a pass on their bigotry because they were older.

        People can be bigots without seeming hateful, and moronic is just a straw man addition to your argument. However, none of this is relevant because her boyfriend, like many opponents of progressive causes, does everyone the favor of being openly hateful and rude.

        • Ironically, I banned best friend’s BF from my home several years ago after a racist conversation that took place in my home (out of my earshot) in which the boyfriend called my very dear gay African-American friend the N word. Thankfully, she dumped him.

      • Anonymous Poser :

        +1 “People are complicated and complex and capable of holding simultaneous, contradictory beliefs.”

    • Hugs NOLA. Apart from the fact that he’s a bad arguer, it sounds to me like you have different outlooks on life. You may love each other but that does not mean that you’re meant to be together.

      • Well, just to muddle my brain further, I emailed a good friend to vent. She knows him and likes him, but she is also even more liberal than I am and the mother of a gay daughter and grandmother to her daughter’s fabulous twins. She says I should just enjoy the s*x and make him clean my bathroom. Yikes.

  10. anon today :

    I need to vent. A coworker who returned from maternity leave three weeks ago still won’t stop talking about her new baby. I love babies, I do, but enough already! We’re a small team and I’m the only single, childless person so there’s no one to commiserate with. Everyone else is swapping stories and photos of their kids while the only thing I can contribute are stories of “me” when I was younger =/ While my team’s busy cooing over their children, I’m the one putting out the last minute fire drills for our presentation tomorrow. Apologies for whining but I’m uber stressed, and writing this on my phone from the bathroom. No doubt they’ll ask where I was, heaven forbid I leave my desk for more than two minutes…You’re not my parent, remember that. 

    • Dude, having a baby is a big deal, for real. Yes, it’s annoying that you’re pulling more weight but seriously, get over it.

      • I don’t really agree with that (well, the second part). Her situation sounds terrible to me.

      • just Karen :

        I don’t think she’s saying they shouldn’t be making a big deal of it, she’s just tired of listening to it, not being able to really be part of it, and being overwhelmed with work. Sometimes you just need to vent.

      • Yeah, having a baby is a huge deal, but the OP didn’t say she expected her co-worker never to talk about her baby. It’s definitely tiresome when a person is unable to discuss *anything* but her child, and when you come back to work you should be prepared to work.

      • Ada Doom Starkadder :

        The coworker elected to put herself through pregnancy and labor, and being a new parent. Yes, it’s a big deal, but even with any big deals, it gets old.

        Similarly, if a coworker elected to put herself through a triathlon, and won a medal, it’d be a bid deal, but if she kept blathering about it, and with everybody else, it’d get really fricking old.

        • Anonymous :

          It’s not like having done a triathlon, it’s like being a triathlete, and something that will certainly come up for the entirety of the athletic career. For a parent, forever. Considerately or obliviously, lightly or heavy-handedly, but forever for sure. Naturally, inevitably, forever.

          • Ada Doom Starkadder :

            That’s not the point, whether it’s forever or not.

            The point is, banging on a given topic all the time with little regard that (1) it’s boring to some people and it excludes some people and (2) it’s causing you to let your work slide onto someone else, makes that person a tedious bore.

        • Never assume someone “elected” to put themselves through having a child. That’s a pet peeve of mine. Unless they told you, you have no idea whether they’re having a hard time dealing with it and all the rammifications. For some, it’s an all-consuming emotional nightmare, and a little compassion is in order.

          Signed, on second unplanned pregnancy…

          • Ada Doom Starkadder :

            I don’t see what this has to do with the OP’s question.

            I can see that someone might not have elected to become pregnant, but it’s clear that the coworker being discussed by the OP elected to give birth and seems to enjoy talking about the child and parenting and such.

            There *is* a choice made here– specifically, to carry the child to term. If someone chooses to carry a child to term that she doesn’t actually want because of her belief system, but it is an all-consuming emotional nightmare, it’s still something she brought on herself. If one elects that type of martyrdom, that’s fine, but I’m not sure it should deserve extra bonus compassion points.

    • I have been there. No good advice but keep powering through!

    • I can empathize. It’s really annoying, especially when you’re the only one who doesn’t want to slack off and talk about poopy diapers. I’m sorry.

    • Also in Academia :

      I think the right answer is somewhere in the middle. I have a young child and I am pregnant now, so I know it’s very easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of cooing over children, and wanting to discuss them endlessly. On the other hand, I do get a little tired of the constant analysis of my belly size (objectively and relative to last time), how the other child is handling things, my maternity dress, my due date, how much more I am waddling this week than last, and so on, that some people want to engage in. It’s actually a relief to talk to those colleagues who could care less and really just want to focus on work. So, I would say — go out there, coo a little to be friendly, and then ask for some help getting ready for your presentation. Your new mom colleague might just be relieved to be able to think about work for a little while.

      • I agree with this. When I was pregnant and trying to go about my work in a business-as-usual way, there was nothing I disliked as much as people (usually the ones who had no babies) cooing over my bump, asking if I was excited, etc. Shoe was on the other foot…..so you never know.

        Some of your colleagues may welcome the chance to be seen as just that, rather than with a “new mum” bumper sticker.

        • FWIW, at least for me as someone who has not had babies, it seems rude to completely ignore it, especially when the culture tends to make such a big deal about being pregnant/having babies. So most of the haven’t-had-babies yet coo’ers probably assume the only socially acceptable route is to acknowledge your pregnancy and be excited for you. I can see where that would get old if it were constant…

          • Anonymous :

            The culture?

          • I’m wondering if in “the culture,” you mean,

            A ) “the expectation that all women, parents or not, must coo over another person’s child”
            B) “if you say you’re not interested, people assume worse– that you ‘HATE’ children and are a Grinch.”

            If that’s what you mean, I’ve definitely have (past) coworkers who believe both A and B, and they created a social atmosphere where you had to play along. It seems to be prevalent in some workplaces and social groups, but not everywhere.

            Plenty of parents I know (at my current workplace) who are relieved to not be asked the minutiae about their children and parenting decisions, and who don’t want to be the recipient of enforced cooing. In my experience, they’ve taken my (brief) acknowledgements of their children’s activities/names as friendly without presuming that that’s ALL they want to talk about.

    • Keep this experience in mind when you are the one who just had a baby. :) I suspect you will feel differently.

      • Or not. Not everyone wants to discuss their personal life at work.

        • Yeah, seriously. And gossiping about your kids to the detriment of actually getting your work done, forcing one of your colleagues to do extra work, is the epitome of being unprofessional. Save it for the lunch hour.

          • I dunno. I am expecting and I am trying not to pass judgment on my co-workers who do this kind of thing, in case I end up wanting to join them after I become a mom. :)

          • Let’s say gossiping about anything, not just about kids, to the detriment of getting your work done is unprofessional. :)

        • Exactly. The biggest issue is the uneven distribution. The secondary issue is the ongoing discussion of children. It’s easier to be part of a group when you conform to it. In this case, the OP is left out and she has to pick up the slack.

          A new parent working in a small group of non-parents, or person allergic to animals working in a small group of pet owners, would feel similarly.

    • I have a low tolerance for coo-ing and definitely empathize. Maybe find some other childless friends to go out with for drinks after work? Then you can think about how awesome it is to have all that free time without child-rearing responsibilities!

    • I’ve been there. It sucks. You have my sympathies. Hang in there!

    • Just wait til her kids are older! My colleague just got back from a family vacation with her two toddlers and could not wait to put them back at day care and have adult conversations at work.

    • Sounds like you’re odd man out though (you’re the one single, childless person). The rest of the team is fine with putting off the presentation a bit to do some cooing. Apparently they aren’t as concerned as you are about the presentation, or more confident that they are ready/it’ll be fine. Just don’t make it obvious that you’re all upset about it – the rest of the group will assume you have issues because they won’t understand what you’re all upset about.

  11. Ladies, I just bought this last night at Gap and am in LOVE. I recommend it to all. Link in reply.

    Anyone know any similar dresses they’d recommend? I’ve realized that the fitted at the waist, loose and semi-camouflaged with a pattern all over really covers up my tummy!

    • http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=82420&vid=1&pid=244495&scid=244495002

      • In House Lobbyist :

        I have 2 of these dresses too. They are great for weekends at the pool or for running errands. They were part of my “I probably need to look better around the house” shopping project but they have been great.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Cute! I’d check out Target. I can’t remember which one it is or if it comes in a pattern, but I got the knit dress with the double band across the front and I basically live in it on weekends. It’s perfect. Super comfy yet looks great and was $20 if I remember correctly. Someone else recommended it here awhile back.

      • Honey Pillows :

        I JUST put that in my shopping cart. It’s this, right? http://www.target.com/p/mossimo-womens-shirred-dress-w-back-tie-assorted-colors/-/A-13890304#?lnk=sc_qi_detaillink

    • For something similar but more casual, I have three Merona dresses from Target that have a similar cut. They are super comfortable and feel like I’m wearing pajamas out of the house but are great for running errands on the weekend and looking a little more put together than a t-shirt and shorts. (link in reply)

      I too have found this style to be ideal for leftover baby belly. (the baby’s barely a baby anymore, but whatever)

      • http://www.target.com/p/merona-women-s-v-neck-crossover-value-dress-stripes/-/A-13989717

      • I second this, this dress and The capsleeve value dress have almost exactly the same fit as the one you posted and I love them!! Although, I think the target dresses are a little shorter than the gap one. unfortunately, it looks like most of the sizes are sold out. :o(

    • Have you tried the ubiquitous Suzi Chin ruched faux wrap dress that everyone here loves? It’s amazing.

      • Can a Nordstrom card holder tell me whether the Suzi Chin dress will go on anniversary sale? Don’t ask me why I don’t have a Nordstrom card – I shop there all the time. Will get one soon.

      • 2/3 attorney :

        I saw what seems to be The Dress with longer sleeves. Does anyone know if its the same fit, just with sleeves? http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/suzi-chin-for-maggy-boutique-elbow-sleeve-faux-wrap-dress/3287949?origin=category&fashionColor=SEAWEED&resultback=500

        • Oooh! I lurve it. I wonder if it can be machine washed on gentle cycle? Dry cleaning it every time would be too much for me.

        • Legally Brunette :

          I tried this dress on this past weekend and will vouch that it’s gorgeous. I found it much more flattering than The Dress, personally. Beautiful dark teal color.

        • So this one is included in the sale? How much is it? Maybe I’ll sign up for the “debit card” if it’s significantly less than the $98 regular price.

          • 2/3 attorney :

            No I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say it was in the sale, I have no idea, just posting re: The Dress in general.

          • Legally Brunette :

            Nope, this one isn’t part of the sale either. It’s $98.

          • How disappointing! I have a dress in a similar cut from Boden that I love but it’s in a pattern. I could get a lot more wear out of this dress. I may need to cough up the $100 anyways. :D

    • I recently tried that dress on and can vouch for how amazing and flattering the fit, it made my tummy disappear! It also struck me as one of those miracle styles that would work well for a variety of body shapes. Unfortunately the colour doesn’t work on me so I had to pass on it, but I do keep checking back on the site to see if they come out with some more colours.

    • I’ve bought several of the Gap wrap dresses, first in straight sizes and now in maternity, and I could not be happier. They are comfortable, fit nicely, camouflage a variety of sins and look nice. They are jersey, so I dress them up with a statement necklace, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how versatile they are. I find them workable both for work and weekends. I’ve never though of myself as a dress person, but this summer I’ve jumped in with full abandon and could not be happier.

    • I have had this dress in Khaki Spot color in my Boden cart for a few weeks. Not sure if it’d be too high for you but something about it makes me really love it – I think it was styled really well in the catalog. But it looks really plane online so then I think, “meh” … But then I read all the positive reviews and think… Anyway, you get the idea.


    • Batgirl, I got that Gap dress too and love it, although it’s a tad low cut (I looked down the other day and realized my bra was exposed!). If you are like me and hiding/camoflaging the tummy is all-important, I recommend the Maggy London print wrap jersey dresss (link to follow). It’s super-flattering — not a typical wrap dress that’s pulled taut over your tummy – it has a button in the front that keeps it kind of ruched. And the all-over print really helps disguise any lumps or bumps.

      • This is the dress:

  12. Yesterday’s discussion of when to clean pants is prompting me to ask this perhaps too personal question: I have a sweaty and thus smelly crotch – any suggestions? It’s not vaginal discharge, it’s really just that when it’s hot outside, I sweat a lot down there (and everywhere, really) and it stinks. I’ve tried cotton underwear and baby powder, but neither seem to help. During the day, I’ve been sponge bathing down there to make myself less stinky, but I’d prefer a better solution. Thanks!

    • layered bob :

      when it’s really hot, I change my (cotton) underwear probably three times a day. I take an extra pair to work in a plastic bag and change at lunch, and then again when I get home. And I wear mainly skirts.

    • You’re not going to be less stinky. It’s hot outside. Odor is normal; it’s not nasty or dirty or any of the things that purveyors of dooshes want you to think it is. Unless you wear the pants for several days without washing them, no one can smell it on you.

      I find that wearing a skirt rather than pants helps enormously with the sweaty ladyparts issue. I wear shorts under my skirt, and normally I have to wash them after every wear. In a pinch, though, a spray of Febreze and letting them air overnight makes them wearable for another day. I also find that cornstarch-based powders help absorb sweat somewhat. But really, you’re just going to have to wash things after one wear – that’s the only solution. And like I said, no one can smell you so long as you’re not rewearing dirty pants, so don’t worry about it.

    • Along these lines -is it normal/ok to have a sweaty, smelly, summer crotch that sometimes smells sharp and acidic? It’s only a summer thing, and this is the first year I’ve noticed it, but it’s also the first year in work clothes at a desk all day, too.

    • Hair removal + pantyliners :

      Regular poster, anon for this. I have this issue, and I find that waxing and/or drastically trimming the hair down there, plus swapping out pantyliners frequently, helps a lot in this situation. I also always have flushable toilet paper wipes (unscented, ph balanced) in my bag so I can help keep the area clean and remove the sweat/bacteria/smell. Also, try to make sure you’re not wearing pants that are lined with polyester — that just makes me sweat even more!

  13. 2/3 attorney :

    Do you think this dress is work appropriate with a blazer? I’m unsure about the lace. http://us.dorothyperkins.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=34072&storeId=13065&productId=6129325&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=617703&parent_categoryId=339496&pageSize=20&cmpid=NL_US_170712_a13&_$ja=tsid:34029

    • Former MidLevel :

      I think it would be fine for a business-casual office. If it were black or red lace it might read a little too “bedroom,” but the bright pink makes it seem more fun/trendy.

    • I disagree. I think a bit of lace is fine, but all-over lace says evening, not work.

      • Agreed, Bluejay. I’d save this dress for evening. Very pretty, though.

    • Kontraktor :

      Absolutely 100% think this is totally fine for the office. In fact, I think a more structured blazer or more conservative cardigan would be a great way to wear this dress to work (pair a more structured/conservative piece with a more fun one). I would caveat, however, that it’s probably not okay to wear without a cover up (due to the low back), and I would make sure you size correctly (I could see how this dress could cling to your every body part, so make sure it drapes nicely). But I see nothing wrong with it just because it’s a bright color or lace.

      • Oh wow, I didn’t look at the back. Now I say double no! Not office appropriate at all.

        • Kontraktor :

          If nobody ever sees the back because it’s going to be covered, I don’t see how it matters what the back looks like. Although I guess if you’re talking from a versatility perspective (like, some people don’t want to buy stuff that can only be worn in a particular way), it’s not the most versatile item because it can’t be worn alone.

          I still think though that there isn’t inherently wrong with it just because it’s lace and is a bright color. Size and fit seem like much more important variables to consider here.

          • Lacy, form-fitting pink dress with low back and an exposed zipper that curves around the butt =/= never appropriate for work in an office setting. Sorry.

          • Kontraktor :

            If you sized the dress correctly, it wouldn’t necessarily be form fitting. Just because something outlines your body, but drapes nicely, doesn’t make it inappropriate (clothes are allowed to have a shape). The back isn’t so low that it couldn’t be covered. Even the zipper could probably be covered if the blazer was long enough.

            I’d probably wear this with a longer, very structured cream blazer I have (it’s sort of that tuxedo/androgynous style), a bright silk scarf in the front, and nude pumps. I don’t think that would be inappropriate. Again, not saying this dress is versatile (if it can only be worn to work in a particular way), but I think it can be styled in ways to be fine for an office, especially if it fits the person correctly.

            I agree it would be a no go if it showed every lump and bump (not sized correctly) and was worn without a cover up.

    • Ok so I feel like lately on the site we haven’t been distinguishing between “can” and “should” Can it work? Sure with something to cover the back. It is knee length and doesnt show boob. Downsides are that it has a low back, exposed zipper, and it looks pretty sexy. That could still work for some people. But if you are 2/3 attorney that means you are looking for your first attorney job right? So I think we should put the bright pink lace low back exposed zipper in the maybe when I know my office better pile

      • Bingo. If you are a 2/3 attorney, better wait on this one until you are 2/1 or 3/1 attorney. I’d stick with the more conservative side of things for the time being…

    • Ada Doom Starkadder :

      It looks too date-night for the office.

      1. I thought it was lace trim, but it’s entirely made of lace.
      2. The back is a bit va-va-va-voom.
      3. It’s superclingy.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      I can’t see the link right now, but if it’s the one with the gold zipper all the way down to the middle of the b*tt, I say no, not even with a blazer (and I’m usually pushing the limits of what is acceptable at work).

      • 2/3 attorney :

        Sigh. I asked hoping against hope that it would fly, knowing it really shouldn’t. I’m a 3L and will be interning in my Senator’s office in DC this fall, so I’m guessing it’s not exactly business casual. At that price though I would maybe get it for the date nights it seems destined for. Thanks for the input.

        • Senator’s office. Definitely not. I’d say suit or suiting separates.

        • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

          Completely understand. Just a word of warning, I’ve purchased from DP before and maybe 1 out of every 3 dresses I get are work appropriate. This issues I frequently face are the length, make sure you check before purchase, and when a dress is not A-line, it can be REALLY form fitting on me (hourglass shape).

          What about this? Although I would probably have the ties cut off and ends sewn down.


          • I actually really like these dresses even though they are certainly not work appropriate. And the prices aren’t bad! For date and non-work dinners/events it would be great! Can you tell me more about the fit and quality? Thanks!

          • 2/3 attorney :

            That’s a really cute option. But now I am unsure if I can even get away with a sheath-dress-with-jacket outfit based on Anonymous’s advice below. And based on your experience with DP, that brand probably won’t work for me at all – I’m 5’10” and very hourglassy, so I would probably look like a Monica-wannabe.

          • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

            I’ve been really pleased with the quality of everything I’ve ordered from DP. Plus, it’s all been machine washable. When I order from them though, I really make sure I am going to be happy with the item because even though you can get free shipping, you have to pay for return shipping.

            2/3 Attorney, I’m in Denver so take this with a grain of salt, but what about some accessories to go along with your workwear? I’ve seen some cute necklaces and belts on asos.com and at The Limited.

          • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

            Also, I’ve found the fit to be TTS.

          • I like both of these a lot, especially for the price point. Want pink for date night. Blue might work in my more casual office.
            I think I still have $ left from my last paycheck even! Score.

          • LinLondon :

            Yeah, Dotty P tends to be on the short side on me (I’m 5’11”). Basically, it has to be at least hitting the knee in the picture in order for it to be a work-appropriate length on me

        • Yep, as someone who works on the Hill, I can tell you that this is definitely not what you want to wear as an intern. It’s something you could probably get away as an established staffer if you work in the right office (they all have different dress codes), but I would suggest sticking to more neutral colors and fabrics for your internship. The Senate is a pretty conservative environment, fashion-wise — you will see a lot of gray suits, on both men and women. Most of the people in your office will never see your work, so you don’t want their top association with you to be a hot pink dress. But I understand your temptation! I’ve been here years and I still hate having to dress for it.

          Also, be aware that some offices still require their female staffers to wear nylons, so be sure to wear hose or pants on the first day and then judge from there.

          • 2/3 attorney :

            Thanks for this. I *know* in my head that my future is chock full of grey and black suits and nylons, but my heart continues to resist! Plus the suits I want to buy are way out of my price range so I’m not excited about the reality of my clothing situation.

          • @ 2/3 attorney – your future is full of suits, but not only black and gray ones. Color is fine, subtle patterns are fine, pantsuits are fine, dresses with blazers are fine. Also, most Hill offices have a business casual day once a week.

          • 2/3 Attorney, the 40% of JCrew sale has several under $100 Senate-appropriate suiting/dress options right now. It tends to be lucky sizes only and the no returns policy is a pain, but it might be worth checking out.

          • Amelia Pond :

            Plus you don’t want to end up on Spotted: DC (blog about silly things Hill Interns do). A hot pink dress would probably get a mention.

          • If you’re in DC already and need clothes, I recommend a trip out to the Leesburg Outlets. I have never been to an outlet mall where the stores had so many professional clothes. I did really well at J.Crew (suit, suiting dress, casual dress) and probably would have at BR if I’d had the energy.

        • This would be a lovely date night dress! Definitely not for work on the Hill, though.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Absolutely not okay for somebody very young. I might give it a whirl with a blazer because I am old and have gravitas, but on a twentysomething it would be way too Date Nighty.

    • I take fashion risks at work frequently and do not think that this dress is work appropriate. It seems more like an evening dress than a day dress.

      • I have been trying to collect marginally interesting tops (some little detail) as well as jewelry as suggested. I wish I was a lucky size for those jcrew steals, but I can’t get by without a tall size and finding those on sale is like discovering a unicorn.

        I checked out Spotted: DC …. eek, I wish I hadn’t, it makes the people seem mean/ I don’t need to be any more intimidated by DC than I already am!!

        • Amelia Pond :

          Oh no! That wasn’t my intention. What you have to remember is that summer interns are mostly 21 year old college students who think they are awesome because they are in DC. As a 3L, you will be 100% ahead of gameand will do amazing.

  14. Gift Ideas? :

    Friends, I need some ideas. DH and I are visiting my father and his wife en route to our vacation this weekend. We all get along fine, although I’ve lived four states away from them since I was 6, so we’re not particularly close. I just found out that my stepmom had pretty major surgery last week and will be getting out of the hospital today. My dad wouldn’t tell me what hospital she was in so that I could send flowers (“you don’t need to send anything”), but I still want to bring her something when we come visit. She’s apparently doing pretty well, and she won’t be bedridden or in much pain, so my usual convalescence gifts (puzzle books, DVDs?) don’t seem appropriate. Also, I don’t know much about what she likes, besides animals? Aaaannndd, we’ll be driving 14 hours to get there, stopping overnight, in July, so I can’t do anything that can’t make the trip well. Any ideas?

    • Could you send flowers to the house, so they’ll be there when she gets home? Or Edible Arrangements, if she’s not on a restricted diet. I also think that you could plan to stop and pick up either of those things on the way to their house if you wanted to bring them.

    • Stepmom re: driving and ACT preparing :

      I am a stepmom (my skids are 21 and 16, and we’ve been together since they were 15 and 10 — so they’ve grown up with me more than you have with your stepmom). One day, I may be in your stepmom’s position. If I were, I would be most interested in a gift that showed that: (1) you heard about my procedure and were thoughtful enough to do something about it (card or gift), and (2) whatever you gave me indicated that you had thought about me and my preferences when you chose it instead of just grabbing any old thing (ie, I love to read but I dislike cats. If you brought me a book, I wouldn’t care which book it was because even if I ended up not liking it, I would know that you thought carefully enough to choose something you know I like: books. But if you gave me a ceramic cat, I would know that you hadn’t thought about me at all.) I would not care at all about how much it cost, and I probably would be fine with a thoughtfully drafted card and no gift.

      I know this isn’t specific help, but I hope it is generally useful guidance.

      Last thing: I have a thing about privacy when it comes to health issues. So I would want my skids to ask generally how I am feeling and recognize that something major just happened, I would be uncomfortable with specific questions. Your SM may feel differently about this.

    • I'm Just Me :

      Send flowers to her house to arrive tomorrow. They will be a nice “good to be back home” from the hospital gift.

    • What about a snuggly robe or set of pj’s? Or is that too personal? When you come home from surgery, no matter how well you feel, you’re gonna be bumming around the house for at least a small while.

    • My mother in law always sends us an orchid in this situation. I love them, they feel like a treat and they last a lot longer than cut flowers. I also, in my middle-class way, think of them as “faaaancy.” I’ve started sending orchids and people seem to like them.

    • Stepmom re: driving and ACT preparing :

      I agree with Rosie, I’m Just Me and ECMD: flowers to the house with a nice card would be perfect.

    • Even if she’s not bedridden, she’s probably going to be very tired for a few weeks — DVDs would still be great!

  15. PSA re The Skirt :

    I went to Nordie’s recently for the pre-sale, and I really like the new version of The Skirt. The seams do go from waist to hem, and they do angle together a little towards the top, but it’s not very noticeable, and I think it’s very flattering. I bought my same size, and I’m excited (although it will be delayed gratification because I am waiting for an order – dark camel).

    • SAlit-a-gator :

      Glad to hear! I bought the new version of “The Skirt” in camel too and looking forward to getting it in the mail soon. Did you buy the same size as in the previous version of The Skirt or the regular size you normally wear? I’m asking becase the old version was apparently big on a lot a people and everyone recommended to size down. I’m not sure if that advice still holds true.

      • Not the original poster here, but I also bought teh new skirt and I did size “down” – in the old skirt, I wore a 2 but i really didn’t love how it fit – i got a 0 in the new one and LOVE it. I’m pretty boyishly built – no real hips to speak of, and the old skirt didn’t fit because it was too wide in the hips and kind of just floated around since i didnt have hips to hold it down, if that makes sense – the new skirt seems to be cut much better for me – “straighter” people. I know many people are upset about the changes to it, and i feel for y’all – i’ve had many a favorite thing change, but I’ll recommend new Skirt to anyone who had issues with the old one being too wide.

      • PSA re The Skirt :

        I bought the size I normally wear. I can’t remember if that’s what size I bought in the original – I will try to remember and check back tomorrow. FWIW, I carry my weight in my belly, so I don’t have trouble holding things up around the waist.

        Much to the amusement of everyone within hearing distance, my mom, sister, and I ordered the dark camel color in all three of our sizes.

        • PSA re The Skirt :

          *I mean try to check and post tomorrow. I’m done trying to remember. ;) (off to get a little more coffee)

  16. I am thinking of doing an internal job search and I would love some advice on how to approach it. I am currently in a consulting role that requires some travel. I have a 5 month old, and my husband travels M-Thu every week, so travel is pretty difficult for me. So far, everyone has been very nice about not asking me to travel, but I know that patience will run out soon. I think that I should be looking internally for a job that doesn’t require travel, but I’m not sure how to approach it. Talk with my manager first, then start applying/reaching out to hiring managers? Apply first, then talk with my manager if I am offered something? I do enjoy my current position and wouldn’t leave if it weren’t for husband travel + baby, so I don’t want to burn any bridges.

    • I think a lot of this depends on your company culture and your relationship with your manager. In mine, applying without informing your manager would be considered very bad form.

      I might reach out to any contacts you know well within the company to feel things out as to possible openings, but when it comes to officially applying or reaching out to people you don’t know well, I’d recommend talking to your manager before doing so.

    • I would definitely talk to your manager first – he/she would feel slighted otherwise. Plus, any other hiring manager is likely to ask your manager about you, so they should be prepared.

  17. On the subject of job-hunting while pregnant, and of people who make me feel like a complete failure:


    Marissa Mayer is 6 months pregnant. Amazing.

    • “My maternity leave will be a few weeks long and I’ll work throughout it.”

      Looks like someone’s been taking lessons from Sheryl Sandberg.

      • Well, I take back my comment from yesterday about feeling like an underachiever around MM. I don’t think this is something to aspire to. (YMMV)

        • Kontraktor :

          100% agreed.

        • Only taking a few weeks of maternity leave (by choice)? Barf. Add to the list of reasons I will never be a CEO.

        • In my first year of law school I went to a panel organized by the career office on women in the profession and almost dropped out of school. There were 4 women, 3 in private sector jobs and one in gov. The private sector women are the complete opposite of everything I want to be. One said that she was negotiating a deal while in active labor and it was one of the proudest moments in her life because “women really can do it all,” another said that when her youngest kid turned 20, she thought to herself that she had done a spectacular job as a parent because she had avoided teen pregnancies, and the third said that she was happy to have a nanny who loved her kids more than she did. The government woman was the only semi normal one and said that she encouraged her male attorneys to take parental leave, but that once you are back, you should probably up your hours so that people don’t think that you aren’t dedicated. I don’t think any of these women have ever been invited back to this panel because it was so horrifying.

          • It may be horrifying, but it’s true.

          • It’s definitely true, I just thought it was a little misplaced. For all the people who are this dedicated there are others who like their jobs just fine and are good at them but don’t think it is a point worth bragging about that someone else loves their kids more than they do. You need to paint a realistic picture, I just felt it was a little one sided. Looking back I really feel like they didn’t portray a full array of what it is like to be a female lawyer and the only option showed was sacrifice family and life for work. In reality, this isn’t the only option, just like big law and government aren’t the only options for places of employment. But thats my own personal gripe about my law school experience in the boom years.

            Also, graphic stories about active (“as they were giving me the episiotomy…”) labor? Not such a good thing with perfect strangers, in general.

          • Kontraktor :

            Welcome to my nightmare. Great comment.

          • I think this attitude is more common among professional women who are now in their 40s and older than it is among professional women who are now of childbearing age. Things have really changed.

          • I am not sure I went to a career panel in law school that painted a realistic picture.

          • SF Bay Associate :

            That panel is consistent with most of the female partners at my firm.

        • I think it is really sad that she has to “reassure” people that she is just like a man, and her pregnancy will not affect anything. Of course it will!! But why isn’t that okay, too? Talk about taking a step backwards for the women’s movement.

          • I actually think that it’s a huge step forward for the women’s movement that a major public company hired a woman as CEO when they knew that she was six months pregnant. A huge, huge step forward.

          • CA lawyer :

            I agree with Bluejay that this is a huge step forward. That Marissa Mayer is becoming CEO of a major company while pregnant inspires me to work to ensure that my career goes where I want it to go.

          • karenpadi :

            Bluejay, you hit the nail on the head. I don’t think this would have been possible even a few years ago. A six-month pregnant CEO of a public company?

            MK, it does feel like 3 steps forward and two steps back.

          • CA lawyer :

            Also, I think it’s great for women to handle maternity leave as they see fit. A three or six month maternity leave may be best for some women, while working as soon as medically cleared might be best for others. If people wouldn’t object to a male CEO taking a short paternity leave, people shouldn’t object to a female CEO taking a short maternity leave.

      • I know, right? Of course, maybe she’ll strap the baby to her everyday and nurse publicly at work. Right.

      • “Looks like someone’s been taking lessons from Sheryl Sandberg.”

        Or Sarah Palin. I disagree with her politically, but can’t say she doesn’t work her butt off.

      • That’s why she gets paid the BIG BUCKS. I’m sure she’ll have the best infant care money can buy; her baby will be just fine. She may not be the type that misses it as much anyway – I mean, she chose to be a high-powered business executive, not a SAHM with multiple children. IMHO the first three months of an infant’s life kind of suck for the caretaking parent anyway. I wish I could have saved a couple of those months for when they’re a little older and so much more fun.

        I’m impressed that she landed the gig six months pregnant. That’s pretty awesome.

        • Yeah, honestly, I’m not going to judge a woman for wanting to beonly as involved in her baby’s life as, say, the average high-powered corporate executive father. Women who want to be more involved should have the options to be, and our work structures should reflect that, but the rich and powerful have always outsourced child rearing. That’s not something I’m going to now start hand wringing over. At least wet nurses are no longer a thing.

          • Agreed.

          • Agreed absolutely ! nothing wrong with it and people should stop guilt tripping such women . The woman should not give a damn about what world/family/spouse/friends thinks about her not wanting to be 100% involved in the baby’s life because she values her career more ! Marissa is my role model and even a better one now, she does not apologize for her career success and doesn’t give lip service to work life balance. Becoming a fortune 500 CEO is an amazing achievement and not something I would ever compromise on even if that means leaving my new born in hands of caretakers. Baby will survive with the nanny and father, my skills are better served running a F500 company than changing diapers. Go MARISSA !! I want to grow up and become you.

          • Agreed also. The hand-wringing and judgemental tone of other comments bother me. If a forum like this one can’t celebrate the still-rare sight of a great spot opening up for a high-achieving young woman, we shouldn’t be surprised that glass ceilings persist, self-imposed or otherwise.

    • She’s worth about $300 million IIRC. People that high up aren’t subject to the same rules we are. Jobs hunt them rather than vice versa and paying for childcare will never be an issue.

      • Sure, finding childcare won’t be an issue. But there’s something to be said for, you know, embracing the humanness of giving birth and literally keeping that child alive in his earliest days of life.

        And call me a cynic, but if she expects this from herself, that doesn’t give me high hopes that she’ll be a big proponent of decent leave policies for other parents.

        • Research, Not Law :

          Ding, ding, ding. Midwest nailed it.

        • Word. A” few weeks” of maternity leave is crazy talk for many woman. Sure hope she has a perfectly uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery, an easy baby who sleeps through the night at 2 weeks of age, and an awesome support staff at home. Becauase even with all that, she’s looking at a rough time.

          It’s so cute when people think you can bounce back from having a baby just like having a cold or the flu. Most of those people haven’t tried it.

    • I agree with Bluejay that this is a big step forward. It is in great contrast to discussions that were previously held in boardrooms about pregnant women.

      I have seen women come back with less than a month of leave. It can be done, assuming things go really well. Heck, in 1982 my hubby’s boss – the editor of a trade magazine – took calls from her hospital delivery bed and was in the office less than 3 days later, as they had an issue to get to press. This, of course, was way before the internet and mobile communications. I don’t think it makes anyone a bad mom or parent to start working right away from home and back in the office within a few weeks.

      And then, having money helps too. Night nurses, housekeepers, chefs, nannies, drivers, grocery shoppers, admin help.

      I’m no superwoman but after my first, which was a c-section at age 32, I walked in the park on the way home from the hospital and though I didn’t do much, I certainly could have had conference/phone calls, answered emails that day and the days that followed. However, if Meyer has a difficult delivery, ill child or personal health issues, she may not bounce back as fast as she wants. I hope that doesn’t happen for her sake (and for women’s reputation’s as a whole) since Marissa has announced her intentions. By this time, though, she is about seven month’s pregnant, so she must be having an easy pregnancy and no major health issues.

      One thing I thought of when I read the announcement is…”I wonder if she reads [this site]?” She fits the demographic and we’ve had quite a few threads about taking on a new challenge while pregnant.

  18. Ladies, I think I need a break from TTC. I’m tired of living my life in two week increments and getting my hopes up that I’m pregnant only to be disappointed again when I’m not. We’ve been trying long enough that the stress is getting to me. I’m snapping at my husband, getting easily overwhelmed at work and feeling tired and grouchy overall. Some of you remember that I overcame some anxiety issues around this time last year, and I’m afraid I’m going to have those problems all over again if I can’t get my stress under control sooner rather than later.

    So. I’m vowing to not chart/track/obsess for at least a month. Here’s to stress relief and enjoying the family I already have. And maybe I’ll get some substantive work done instead of phoning it in.

    • Lots of people gave me that advice, and I think it has merit, though I didn’t know how much at the time. The first time I finally got pregnant, after a year of obsession, I miscarried at 7 weeks, while on vacation to boot. After that, I decided “f*ck it, I’m drinking, and eating sushi, and brie, and we’ll try later.” Whilst “not trying” (and doing all of the aforementioned stuff), I got pregnant within 3 weeks (didn’t even have another period.) Today my son is 6 1/2, healthy and starting the gifted program in the fall. (Which I only mention because I freaked out that I had been drinking the night he was probably conceived.)

      Have a cocktail, or salami, or whatever you’ve been denying yourself. Bury your TTC calendar. Good luck!

    • Sounds like you are making a choice that makes good sense for you and your mental health. I’m so sorry that things haven’t gone smoothly for you so far; but I think this is the key point where you decide whether you are going to keep going (for now), mental health be d&mned, or if you are going to step back and recover mentally, then go forward from a healthy spot.

    • reposting because I’m stuck in moderation:

      Lots of people gave me that advice, and I think it has merit, though I didn’t know how much at the time. The first time I finally got pregnant, after a year of obsession, I miscarried at 7 weeks, while on vacation to boot. After that, I decided “f*** it, I’m drinking, and eating sushi, and brie, and we’ll try later.” Whilst “not trying” (and doing all of the aforementioned stuff), I got pregnant within 3 weeks (didn’t even have another period.) Today my son is 6 1/2, healthy and starting the gifted program in the fall. (Which I only mention because I freaked out that I had been drinking a lot the night he was probably conceived.)
      Have a c*cktail, or salami, or whatever you’ve been denying yourself. Bury your TTC calendar. Good luck!

    • Legally Brunette :

      I’m so sorry. If this gives you any comfort, I have a friend who has had two miscarriages and was going to start IVF treatments, and amazingly – ended up getting pregnant naturally when they weren’t even trying. And now she’s almost 20 weeks along. So sometimes I think it makes sense to take a break from it all and unwind.

    • I’m sorry and hugs. It sounds like taking a break and destressing is an excellent choice right now, and I admire you for having the perspective to make the choice to step back.

    • TTC too... :

      I commiserate. I am currently two days late on my period and this morning’s test was negative. Still no sign of my period, but I know I would be getting a positive by now if I was really pregnant, and that this was a stressful month, and my temperatures were all over the place.

      On one hand, I’m loving the high of thinking “maybe, just maybe this month.” On the other hand, I am dreading the feeling of when my period does start and I am so, so sad I can hardly move through the day. I’m on month 6 of trying and it’s difficult, to say the least.

      • Nothing really prepares you for it, does it? I had no trouble getting pregnant with DS and I’m still relatively young, so … baffled.

        Here’s hoping it gets better for both of us!

      • TTC too... :

        It is difficult. I’m not in a position to really take a break, in that my doctor has said once we have 9 months of charts and no baby, that we will have an informed basis for making a conception plan, rather than just shots in the dark.
        Based on TCOYF I believe I have a short luteal phase, but this month has been all over the place.

    • For what it’s worth (anecdotal, of course), I got pregnant the first month we decided to take a break from TTC (around this time last year). I now have an awesome 5 month old!

    • Midwest, I’m right there with you. After 3 years of trying, a miscarriage and a failed IVF cycle, we decided to take a short break before diving back into the world of monitoring, injections, etc.

    • Ada Doom Starkadder :

      That sounds like a very sane, good idea. Enjoy the next month and good luck TTC. Make sure you get plenty of R&R and pamper yourself a bit. :-)

    • We stopped for actually a couple years, and it was a really good thing for us. We basically hit the point where we knew it was IVF and just put the brakes on. I was much more mentally ready to deal with it when we started again, and it worked out great. Don’t hesitate to give yourself a break from the monthly crazy.

      Oh, and JMO, but I think charting temperatures is Satan’s work. Nothing made me crazier, and it was utterly useless. I still remember laying in bed under the covers, as though keeping myself toasty warm was going to equal pregnancy. I also swore at some point to never take another pregnancy test unless I was more than two weeks late! I didn’t either–I waited for the blood test at the RE after our IVF.

      Best of luck. I don’t wish fertility struggles on anyone.

      • Yeah, I was doing the charting thing for my own info while trying NOT to conceive, and ended up getting pregnant while my chart said that wasn’t possible. Probably I’m just bad at it, but I wasn’t sorry to give up the effort.

        Hugs to all of you TTC. The decision to give it a rest and re-group sounds like perfect sense. I can’t imagine how all the stress and anxiety _wouldn’t_ throw off your body a bit–maybe you’ll have better luck after a break.

  19. this one is for the Jules with the booomin' system :

    Dear Jules, from a search for Halogen pants on here I realized we are the same size (hourglassy 12/14 petite)! Do you have any recommendations for business attire? I’m attempting the perhaps impossible feat of improving and yet paring down my work wardrobe. I’m on a budget but am willing to spend more for a perfect fit. Specifically, I’m in the market for tops to wear under suits but which look OK without the jacket and will work in the hot, dry weather of my workplace (so — all or mostly natural fibers?), and sheath dresses which don’t accentuate my already large chest. Thank you, and thanks in advance to any other commenters with advice!

    • I’m of a similar body shape – is there a MEXX near you or is it only a Canadian company? I tried on a couple of sheath dresses there last week that I really liked, but knew I didn’t really need. I also have blouses from there I really like.

    • Not what you’re specifically looking for now, but hope you tried the Halogen Taylor pants? Excellent for curves and well-priced!

      • Nice find! Thank you. I do have a pair of the Halogen Savannah pants (14P) which fit me perfectly. Taylor is now on the wishlist!

    • Busy day, just taking a few minutes break — so of course, I come here to read the comments — and wow, a shout-out! So no choice but to reply. I do love the Halogen pants (although I think the ones I’m wearing recently are the Quinn style) and the original version of The Skirt.

      Tops are hard for me. I find that a v-neck or a button-front that is open at the collar and therefore is more or less a vee is by far the best look for me — it somehow breaks up what otherwise would be a vast expanse of b**bage.

      I just bought a cute short-sleeve blouse at the Limited, in the very pale pink, and also saw it on sale in the store in other colors; link will follow. This one runs large; I bought XL but it’s a bit big; I washed and dried it to get a little shrinkage but I’d rather have a slightly large blouse than one that pulls across the chest. (I’m small boned but big-chested, so like all blouses this is just a bit large in the shoulders for me.) I will be hemming it so I can wear it untucked.

      I have had some luck at Talbots with tops in linen and linen-blends (although I don’t have a good solution to the wrinkle problem).

      I also have found some cute tops at BR lately, but at the outlet, not the regular stores, so no links available. I’ve mostly bought polyester — including my new favorite, with a very subtle gray and white print and a tie-bottom that I thought I would hate but that I actually love — but I’ll include a link to a very pretty white silk blouse.

      I also have liked the one-pocket shirt from NY & Company — where I had not shopped in years — that another commenter has posted a couple of times. It’s a bit boxy, so I took in the sides near the waist a bit. (Boxy styles turn my hourglass into a grandfather clock.)

      The Land’s End cotton modal funnel neck tee (I think that’s what it’s called) also is nice, although I don’t love most of the colors. I have it in a “washed tomato” color that is kind of a dark coral/melon-y color; it’s nice enough to wear under a suit.

      If I think of anythinig else I’ll comment later. I’m still wearing some Target matte jersey v-neck tees that I’ve had for at least 10 years. Most of the ones I’ve seen recently (inclidng one of Kat’s recent picks) have faux wraps and cross-ties and other doodads that either catch my large bust and long waist at just the wrong place or that serve to emphasize the b**bs, which is not my goal. If anyone knows of any such simple v-neck tees — in dressier fabric than the lands end variety — I would love to hear about it.

      Let me know what you find in your hunt.

      • Trying to post links, probably stuck in moderation, hopefully they’ll come through soon.

      • Amazing. Thank you! Here are the keepers from my current collection: I own the BR Martin fit trousers, which fit well. A pair of unlined pants from an AT outlet, which get a lot of compliments but not love from me because, unlined. And a sheath dress with v-neck from Target (not currently on sale), which can go from professional to va-va-voom based on accessories.

  20. My coworker, who is a lovely person, has been walking around our office in bare feet ALL MORNING. In front of everyone, including the summer intern she supervises who is in high school. This is our intern’s first time working in a professional office. It’s one thing if you want to be barefoot in your own office or after hours when no one is around, but this is nuts! Sheesh!

  21. Anon in NC :

    Comic relief TJ – Please click on the outfit below! I apologize in advance if your SO or brother has the outfit.


    • Awesome. And very fitting since I just saw the movie “Rio” this weekend.

      • Anon in NC :

        lol! It popped up on the side panel when I was checking gmail (I think because I was browsing the BG site earlier can’t imagine why they thought that would interest me??

    • Um. Can’t process. When would you wear…in what situation. So confusing….grarrr.

    • just Karen :

      Is this possibly a real thing? Has there actually been a person who purchased these items? I don’t know whether to laugh until I cry or just skip to crying at the idea someone could spend thousands of dollars on this…

    • I almost posted this yesterday! I missed the shark shorts but this has to be just as good.

    • Former MidLevel :

      I thought it couldn’t get worse until I clicked to the picture where he has the jacket off…really, people? He needs a pink triangle there??

    • MaggieLizer :

      OK don’t shoot me but I kind of like the symmetry of the pattern and how the seams line up (though that would make it tough to tailor) to create an abstract design from a floral print, especially in the back of the jacket. I just don’t like it for a man, or in pink and green, or on a white background, or set up so it looks like a giant back tattoo. And the shorts are horrendous.

    • I really don’t know what to say about this.

      And Givenchy to boot. To what Dante-esque circle of hell they have fallen.

    • I sent this to my DH this morning and joked that I would get it for him for Christmas. He said that if I did he would style his hair and pose like the model.

    • My favorite part is the shoes.

      Actually, I lied. My favorite part is the print.

      Actually, my favorite part is the shoulders of the shirt.


    • Senior Attorney :

      I glanced at the link and saw “Birds of Paradise Jacket” and thought “uh, oh. I’m going to love this.” And then I clicked, and Dude! It’s a dude!!

      No. Just, no.

    • I could see Kanye West wearing this, and he would look amazing!

  22. phillygirlruns :


    just finished taking an asset discovery deposition. witness is smug and smarmy and, you know, owes my client several million dollars.

    when i walked out dude says “hey kid! you’re lookin’ great!” UH WUT.

    when we went off the record so i could review and get my last questions together, he actually had the chutzpah to give me financial advice. SERIOUSLY. how he always gives one piece of advice to “young people” and that is the importance of really saving, and he’s so glad that he and his wife had enough money saved to get them through “this crisis.” because, you know, (i) i need financial advice and (ii) i want to take financial advice from someone who just testified that he’s been operating his business at a loss since 2009 and funding it with personal loans he financed by taking cash advances from credit cards and (iii) DUDE ARE YOU STUPID SERIOUSLY I REPRESENT THE BANK AND YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD PLENTY OF MONEY SAVED UP.


    • Hope you put that last part on the record.

      Gotta love idiot witnesses.

    • Best piece of advice I received as a young attorney: If someone is screwing themselves, do not get in their way.

  23. Gail the Goldfish :

    I posted this kind of late yesterday, hoping some more people had advice. thanks in advance:

    I asked a former employer for a letter of recommendation, which they agreed to do, but are busy and asked if I could do a first draft of the letter that they could then tweak. I had a professor in law school ask me to do the same thing, and thus I know that I am really, really bad at writing recommendation letters for myself. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to go about this?

    • Adjunct Law Professor :

      I frequently change a lot of what my students give me when I ask them for a first draft of a letter about them, and so do people who write letters for me. It doesn’t mean that you are bad.

      When I ask for a first draft, it is because I need to know: (1) facts about you and your experience, and (2) which points you think are important for the position.

  24. Did everyone hear that Marissa Mayer is pregnant? Go Yahoo! She says the male board barely blinked when she told them. Hooray! (Less hooray for the leave of “a few weeks” but love that being pregnant was considered a non-issue.) http://postcards.blogs.fortune.cnn.com/2012/07/16/mayer-yahoo-ceo-pregnant/

    • Oops. Should have checked the rest of the comments to see if someone else had posted. Sorry!

  25. Anonsensical :

    Does anyone have any dry shampoo recommendations? I’m going on a camping trip soon and dreading what may hair will be like by Day 3.

    • Anon Analyst :

      My favorite drug store brand is Sauve Professionals Dry Shampoo. I found it at Target.

    • Honey Pillows :

      Burt’s Bee’s Baby Bee Dusting Powder. Smells like honey, and it’s way cheaper than any dry shampoo I’ve ever seen.

      Although, camping, you may want to just stick to bandanas. The fewer products you wear, the less the bugs will bother you. I’d say even skip deodorant, since if you’re anywhere in the US besides the NW, you’ll be sweating through it anyway.

      • Anonsensical :

        This is why I’m heading north ~ waaaaay north! I can’t wait to leave these 100 degree days behind for a while. Good point about the bugs, though ~ I’ll keep that in mind.

        • Are you coming to the Great White North? We love visitors!

          • Anonsensical :

            Not quite that far this time, but am hoping to make it up there next summer (if only flight prices would drop just a little). Just going to be north enough to get out of the continental US for a few days, up near Lake Superior.

    • I recommend a baseball cap, not dry shampoo, in that context!

    • Pssst! and Suave are good bets. But, I wouldn’t use either on a camping trip because they are likely to attract bugs are they are extremely flammable.

    • SoCal Gal :

      Spring for the Klorane Non-Aerosol Spray. It seems spendy, but you will get so many uses out of that tiny bottle. Any aerosol one I’ve tried gives out after like 3 or 4 uses.

      • Anonymous :

        Swartzkopf just came out with an aerosol spray that you can get at drugstores. I’m a religious dry shampoo user and this is better than the more expensive kinds that I used to use.

  26. Did anyone see this article? http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2012/pf/jobs/1207/gallery.big-law-refugees.fortune/?iid=SF_F_River Obvioulsy n=5 isn’t a large sample, but interesting none-the-less.