This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
How pretty is this crepe blouse from Ted Baker London? The print, which is scattered with bows, is feminine and a tiny bit whimsical, without veering too far into childish territory. With a blouse like this one, I like to keep the rest of my outfit very tailored and classic.
To add a little color, I would wear this tucked into a jewel-toned pencil skirt or a pair of ankle pants.
The top is $199 at Nordstrom and comes in Ted Baker sizes 0–6, which are roughly equivalent to US sizes 00–18.
An option that's more affordable is from Kamalikulture by Norma Kamali — it's on sale for $93 at Zappos and comes in sizes XS–XL.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
In my 40s, my shape changed so that I was facing near lethal chub rub in non-tights weather. I got that there were slip-shorts types of things, but they always seemed to overhang my skirt or roll up or roll down. I now have the Thigh Society ones, which so far are not offenders. AND I bought the pleated midi skirt from Athleta and it is long enough that the undershorts stay hidden. #winning
Maybe it was a year in athleisure skorts, but I am reconsidering my membership in Team Dress in the summer. What I like about CottageCore is that things are long/loose enough to go over my new complicated undergarments, but I am struggling with sheath dresses or top-of-knee skirt lengths in warmer weather. I will likely be a dress girl in tights weather, but I feel like even moderate shape-shifting is having me rethinking my closet as I head back into the office.
Anon
Megababe Thigh Rescue!
AnonATL
Have you tried body glide or similar products? I got some for summer running and have started using it when wearing shorts and dresses. I bought the gold bond because it was slightly cheaper
anonshmanon
+1.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Have you tried the Jockeys Skimmies? They stay down and dont roll up, but I find if a skirt is around knee length, they dont peek out, at least for me (5’6″). They also have a shorter length, but they dont work as well at preventing rubbing for me.
Glad to hear the Thigh Society ones are good though. I’ll have to check them out!
Anonymous
I haven’t tried those. I’m shorter, so therein truly lies the rub :) It is such a need though that I suspect that I may get a bit of inventory here on the way to finding the right underthings for each skirted item.
In the days of panty hose, neither chub rub nor work shoe blisters were a thing. I half miss them (and half am glad to be rid of them).
Anonymous
I find that the Skimmies roll up.
anne-on
Same. Skimmies, the maidenform things, etc. All roll on me. If they were tight enough not to roll they were basically spanx…and no thank you. I haven’t tried tap shorts but I also feel like that would be too much fabric?!?
Anonymous
Huh. I find the Skimmies don’t roll because they are not tight. It is when shorts are tight that they do roll.
PolyD
Skimmies didn’t work for me, either. The only kind that did work are the Assets line sold by Kohl’s. They do provide control/shaping, but are essentially very heavy cotton with some spandex, so they really aren’t that hot, at least not more so than bike shorts. I also buy them large – I’m kind of on the cusp of two sizes, so I get the larger one.
I actually find Assets + breezy dress more comfortable in DC summers than shorts.
Anonymous
I think they roll because they are too soft and stretchy.
Velma
Skimmies work for me. I size up one size. They are fine–light and comfortable, with no rolling.
Anon
I’m all about the various anti-friction products. I like Vaseline’s.
anon a mouse
SkinDura Secret Shield. It’s amazing and I never have to reapply even if I become a sweaty mess.
Flats Only
I get the Maidenform Cover Your Bases slip shorts, and they seem to be perfect. The fabric is smoother/slipperier than the Jockey ones I tried, so garments glide over and don’t hang up on them, and they are not compressing, so it’s not like wearing spanx. Just undies with a leg so your legs don’t rub together.
Anon
Monastat Anti Chafing Gel. I usually only have to reapply once a day unless I’m walking all day and am very hot.
Anonymous
I tried something like this and I feel like it didn’t work or I needed it all over and perpetually reapplied. Maybe I was worried about it getting gloppy on my clothes?
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 I’ve heard really great things about the monistat gel but it didnt seem effective on me
Ribena
I like the chub rub shorts from Snag. I have them in various colours and sometimes choose to wear the ones that are closest to either my skin tone or to the colour of the dress I’m wearing for plausible deniability if they show a bit
j
I’ve tried all of the products and find the MegaBabe one is the best! Can’t recommend it highly enough.
No Face
Another option I haven’t seen mentioned are thigh bands like bandelettes.
Anon
Yes, I love the Thigh Society ones! Don’t roll down!
Anon
I just wear champion cotton bike shorts. None of the garments meant to do this work, plus I don’t like the fabrics. Cotton bike shorts don’t cause swamp butt and they stay up without rolling.
Anonymous
Plus one on cotton bike shorts. Fit better, feel better fabric wise in hot Deep South humidity. However, I wear midi length, or at least below knee length at all times (not just when they are fashionable), so no issues with them showing.
Anon
They have different inseams. I’m tall and wear at least knee length so I go with the longer inseam, but even if worn with a shorter skirt, if the wind blows and a little bit of black short shows, I think that’s a feature, not a bug.
anon
DH is having knee surgery next month for a torn ACL, MCL, and meniscus, ugh. He is pretty freaked out and doesn’t love talking about it. I am a prepper and would like to get ready for the surgery and recovery. We have two young kids and a house full of stairs. MIL is going to come to help with the kids. If you have been through this, what advice would you give me? Are there products I should buy? What to expect? Thank you so much!
Anon B
I spent a couple months recovering from orthopedic surgery on a lower leg fracture in the spring of 2020 in a house with stairs. I definitely needed a shower stool and in retrospect, I should have bought a memory foam leg elevation pillow much sooner than I did. A handheld showerhead was really helpful too, and compression socks (I like Sockwell brand, available on Amazon).
I got pretty good at crutching up and down the stairs, and my husband very kindly drove me out to scenic spots with where I could crutch back and forth to spend some time outside and get more exercise than I would have around the house.
Good luck!
Go for it
Ouch! Exact Family experience here~#1) make sure he’s sent home with strong pain meds as that surgery requires an Adductor block, which when it wears off mandates pain management. Advocate loudly if necessary (it might be)!
Most patients need round the clock strong meds for 3-4 days, then taper to only at night. Ps, pain & pain meds can make the nicest human snappy, it’s ok to correct him should it happen.
Fruit salad helps with personal plumbing problems caused by pain meds. Appetite is low for 1st week post-op.
Hand him plenty of water / clear liquids throughout the day & use bendy straws~ patients drink more with them.
If you have a lazy boy recliner he should sleep in it with leg elevated. Borrow a 3 prong cane/or a walker if you can to make movement easier.
Bonnie Kate
+1 that you may have to advocate loudly for pain management. They do not want to give out pain medication now, which I understand to a certain extent and am glad they’re not handing it out like candy any more, but sometimes it really is needed and post surgery it is needed. DH had knee surgery a few months ago (some failed wire hardware from a previous surgery lodged in his meniscus) and was in an incredible amount of pain and it wasn’t until I spoke up at a pre-op appointment that they finally gave him something real for the pain.
At the surgery, make sure you pay attention to the prescriptions and pain med schedule. My DH forgot basically everything due to the anesthesia. They recommended a schedule that alternated ibuprofen and hydrocodone for the first few days and told him to not be a hero and take the meds and stay on top of it otherwise he’d have a hard time catching up to the pain. I made a chart because the times were all weird, which made it easier for him to check off and know when to take the next med.
Go for it
+1 to charting ~ that is so helpful
Anon
+1 I had to be on a similar alternating med schedule, and I would write the current and next times on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker like:
Ibu – 12 pm (check)
Hydro – 3 pm (check)
Ibu – 6 pm
Hydro 7 pm
Go for it
I forgot this, my family member (male) could not read much the 1st week and git sick of various screens quickly. I picked up a mini cross stitch kit and gingerly placed it nearby, it was picked up and done within a few days. I recommend that or an adult pattern coming book & some gel pens. Either is intense enough for distraction without any big stakes commitment.
Anon
Figure out how/where he will bathe. DH had knee surgery after an injury, and at first we had him sit on a shower chair with his leg propped up outside the tub (so sitting sideways, not facing the faucets), and he could bathe with the hand held shower without getting the wrap/dressing wet for the first week. After that he just sat on the chair in the shower so he didn’t have to balance.
Will he be in a wheelchair or a walker when he comes home? Take up area rugs and see what you can do about crowded intersections in your house (we moved a couple of pieces of furniture into other rooms) to make sure there’s room for him to maneuver easily.
He will need his own bed for a while. My DH’s leg was sensitive, and he would have been jostled into pain if I was getting in and out of bed, so we moved him into the guest room for a bit.
Anonymous
You can rent a hospital bed if needed. Our bed is some crazy high 4-poster thing from another era and is not practical for a person recovering from surgery.
Anonymous
Get the longest charging cord you can for phone / iPad / etc. Like 6 feet is the minimum but longer if you can find it. He may be up at odd hours and want to just scroll if he is too uncomfortable to sleep. DH would also recommend those things to pee into.
Nesprin
For husband’s hernia surgery, having a phone+ charging battery, access to TV, drinks and a urinal thing were all essential for the first week. He was told 2-4 weeks for recovery and was def a 4weeker
Anon
I don’t know the length of that recovery but I have had a couple of friends that had surgeries w/ long recoveries and they rented hospital beds for their living room so they didn’t have to do the stairs.
Another friend got a deal at a Marriot Residence Suite through a hospital program. It was something like 50% off the regular price but allowed her to have a handicapped accessible living space while she was in a wheel chair (including roll in shower) and it allowed her to bring her cats! I get with kids you likely don’t want to make a temporary move.
Lastly, how old are your kids? Do they understand they can’t jump on daddy when he gets home? When my other friend had knee surgery (wow, I have had a lot of friends have surgeries!) he stayed at our house for the first 3 nights because he and his wife didn’t trust that they could keep their toddler twins away from him. Once he was better able to manage his pain he went back home. His wife was actually grateful to not be taking care of him and the kids.
nuqotw
Spouse had hip surgery and stayed with his parents for a week until he could move at least a little bit. Is that an option for you?
(0) Kids were super clingy to me b/c they were concerned about spouse. I decided to just roll with it and snuggle at night. Younger kid was so glad spouse was home and so could not remember not to jump on spouse. I had to be on hand to intercept the jump or spouse had to be behind a locked door until spouse was sufficiently recovered.
(1) Lots of take out/frozen meals heated up. I did the latter because we did not have good take out options. In the process I discovered my kids don’t like frozen fries (heated up in the oven!).
(2) If you must cook, do it all in one dish / pot and don’t cook anything that is hard to clean up. Fruit is easier to prep / clean than veggies (I think) so we ate a lot of fruit and not so many veggies. (I didn’t cook any meat because it saved wiping the counters, draining grease, pre-scrubbing the baking dish, etc.)
(3) I hate to say it, but screen time.
(4) Find out about movement rules (how much weight and when, at what point can he drive)
(5) Walker with a seat for him to take breaks moving around the house / have a place to sit in a hurry if he needs it. Also good for taking a shower.
Anonymous
I had knee surgery for a torn ACL a few years ago and it was fine — I slept on the downstairs couch for 3-4 days and just did washcloth baths. I only took the Vicodin or Oxy or whatever they gave me for one day and then onto Advil (though maybe like 3 instead of 1).
Trixie
I had knee replacement surgery, and yours is different, but here are some things that helped: 1. a grid/spreadsheet for my medications–I took about 5 different things, each on a unique schedule, and I needed to write it all down to keep it straight. 2. Pressure the docs re: pain medication–they are so stingy and careful now due to the opioid crisis. Maybe marijuan@ can help here–I did not pursue this. 3. Stairs were not a big deal–I could manage them with a crutch from day 1. 4. Having lots of food in the freezer was helpful, and friends dropped things off. 5. Stool softeners, and lots of fiber. 6. An icing device, I used a gravity fed knee wrap thing. You can find the on Amazon and ebay. Essential! 7. a wedge pillow to raise my leg. 8. Hiking poles, for walks outside. Much more manageable than crutches! 8. a shower seat was great. You may be able to borrow this from your local senior center. 9. I used a walker for a while–it was very helpful, as I hate crutches. Your husband will have opinions about walkers, crutches, poles, etc. The hardest part, I suspect, will be managing your children around your husband. For me, the pain was terrible, but the physical therapy, and the physical recovery went well. Best wishes to you!
Anonymous
My dad had something similar done twice when I was younger. We relied heavily on the grandparents. My mom also took off from work for a week to help initially.
It was very helpful for my parents to prepare us (eg daddy is going to be in a lot of pain; daddy won’t be able to {play active thing} but will be able to {inactive thing}; we “practiced” him living on one floor for a few days pre surgery)).
Colorado
I’m 7 weeks out from ACL surgery today. This is my second ACL surgery – last time it was ACL, MCL, meniscus. I also have 2 kids.
Is it his right knee? If so, he won’t be able to drive for the first 2 weeks, maybe more like 4, until PT says it’s okay. He will need to go back to his surgeon for a post-op visit the day after surgery, and he’ll start PT 2x/week immediately. You’ll need to drive him or find a driver or Uber if it’s his right knee. He’ll be discharged in a somewhat loopy state and will need help getting up off the couch for the first time, especially if the nerve block hasn’t worn off. He’ll be on crutches for at least a week, probably 2. He’ll have to sleep in a big heavy brace for the first 2 weeks, and have to wear it when walking for at least 6. You won’t want to share a bed with him while he’s sleeping in the brace. He won’t want to go up the stairs. Your husband will not be able to help with the kids at all for the first week, and barely for the first 6 weeks. He won’t be able to mow the lawn or do laundry for the first few weeks. He will not want to stand and make dinner for at least the first 2 weeks, more likely up to 4. His main priority will be pain management and physical therapy.
Get the ice machine even though it isn’t covered by insurance (and get extra bags of ice from the store–your freezer can’t keep up). It’s around $300. He’ll leave surgery with the ice sleeve under his brace and you’ll be able to fill it up for him and he can ice on and off every 15 minutes for the first several days. Or, have PT order a script for the Game Ready ice/compression sleeve. Order at least one knee-specific ice wrap off Amazon (mine is Arctic Flex). Order everything the physical therapists use (the green Stretch Out Strap- $10 on Amazon, the blow up ball) up to and including a stationary bike if you don’t already have one. As soon as you can use it, the bike is by far the best thing for pain management. I wish I’d bought one last time around.
Allow the MIL to help with literally everything for the first week. Essentially, think of everything your husband does (childcare drop offs? grocery shopping? cooking? cleaning?) and outsource it for the first 4-6 weeks post-op. Hire a cleaning service even if you don’t currently have one (we have had one weekly during my recovery and it’s saved our marriage). Hire babysitters once a week to help take the load off you. Prep meals ahead of time, or rely on delivery, etc.
It’s a long, emotional recovery. If he’s on Instagram, I’ve liked @aclclub, and I’m sure there are others for community. Depending on his job, he should either take time fully off or work remotely. I took a week off, worked remotely for the following 3 weeks, and still had a lot of trouble going back after 4 weeks. Now 7 weeks out I’m fine to be at work (office job). Good luck!
Anon
When my mom had her knee replacement, she was not impressed with my dad’s cleaning standards and hired a cleaning person. She never looked back! Even after healing she kept the cleaning person for years. We are an old-school Irish Catholic household so it was a “big deal” for mom to outsource cleaning and I was so proud of her.
Senior Attorney
Make sure he follows doctor’s orders regarding what he can and can’t do regarding activity. A close friend of mine had this surgery and overdid it too soon (bike riding, walking), and the surgery ended up failing and he had to have a full knee replacement. Tell him this story if he seems like he wants to be Superman too soon.
OP
Wow wow wow – you all are the best! Thank you for sharing your experiences. This is so very helpful.
Colorado, congrats on 7 weeks! Hope your recovery is going well. Hugs to everyone.
Anon
I would think you were talking about my mule headed husband, except his “redo” surgery was his shoulder. I was less than the perfect nurse and partner the second (unnecessary) time around, but he was a far better patient.
bbb
I’ve been to NOLA a million times but I have the responsibility of planning a weekend there for four people who have never been! I’m feeling all sorts of pressure. What would your itinerary be?
Ribena
Ask them whether they want to see the most well known sights or the things that are a little more off the beaten track
Anonymous
Food? Architecture? History? Music? What are they into? Live music is back!
bbb
We like everything! I think they are into a quintessential NOLA experience, whatever that means. We are going in October so the weather should be nice. I know we are going to do the WWII museum and go to Frenchman Street for jazz (will we need reservations there? I’ve never had to do that!). I was thinking Commander’s for a meal but am conflicted about dinner or jazz brunch, and I need more restaurant suggestions! Like I really want to go to Shaya but then I am debating whether that’s worth it for them because they haven’t done NOLA yet.
I love the idea of taking the trolley!
Anon
Definitely jazz brunch for Commander’s, unless you do a lunch instead with 25-cent martinis. I wouldn’t do Shaya – maybe Saba (which is Alon Shaya’s actual restaurant since he is no longer affiliated with Shaya). But if you want other recommendations that are very New Orleans-y:
– Bayona
– Meril
– Atchafalaya recommended below is great
– Antoine’s
Another part of the city that is overlooked a lot is out by Bayou St. John/City Park. So many great things out there!
– Parkway Bakery & Tavern (the hot roast beef po-boy)
– Ralph’s on the Park
– NOMA and the Sculpture Garden
– My personal favorite: a wine tasting at Swirl and then dinner at any of the restaurants in that area: Lola’s, 1000 Figs, Santa Fe, Cafe Degas.
Are you coming for Jazz Fest? It’s been moved to October this year.
Anon
Also, definitely do the Steamboat Natchez (or the Creole Queen). I’m a lifelong New Orleanian, and it is honestly so fun, and I think the view from the river is so unique to the city. My office used to overlook the French Quarter and I could hear the calliope on the steamboat all the time.
Bonnie Kate
A few random suggestions –
DH and I really like the WWII museum and have been twice on different visits to NOLA. If the theater is open, the movie was definitely worth seeing.
The best escape room we’ve ever done was in NOLA – Escape My Room.
I was going to recommend Emerils Delmonico but I see they’re temporarily closed. There’s so much good food though in NOLA.
Curious
The WWII museum is fantastic, and I am not normally a more-than-2-hours-in-a-museum person. I was stubborn about giving it time and our visit was cut short. It was so good.
Anonymous
The WWII museum is amazing, but go early in the day before it gets mobbed.
CPA Lady
What time of year are you going?
How’s everyone’s health/heat tolerance/ability to walk?
Where are you staying?
Are you there to party?
Are you renting a car?
If I were you, I’d get an air bnb in the garden district that’s an easy walk to the st. charles streetcar. This will minimize any driving you have to do, since as long as you’re not on a tight schedule you can take the streetcar most places.
Things I’d do (as a non-party animal who loves architecture and history):
Ride the entire length of the st. charles streetcar to look at the beautiful houses.
Take a walk through the garden district to look at the beautiful houses.
Spend some time wandering magazine street and going to cute shops
Spend a day in the French Quarter, obviously get coffee and beignets at CDM. Pop into the cathedral, wander around, go to the pharmacy museum, pause to listen to street musicians.
Go out to listen to live jazz at night. This will possibly require a reservation if you’re going anytime soon.
Avoid bourbon street like the plague. Haha. YMMV.
A few places I’d eat:
Superior Seafood
Hansens sno-bliz (esp if you go in the baking heat of the summer)
Sucre (sweet snacks on magazine st.)
Atchafalaya
Domilise’s Po-boy
bbb
I love these suggestions!
PolyD
If everyone is able, we did a Confederacy of Cruisers bike tour with cocktails! It’s easy to ride there because it’s so flat. We’d ride, stop at a historic site, and have their historic cocktail (like a Pimm’s cup at the restaurant built for Napoleon’s visit).
It most definitely was not a drunken booze cruise thing. They start in the morning so people don’t show up after a day of drinking, and the tour was quite informative. And the drinks were small enough/spaced enough that I never felt like I couldn’t ride, and I’m not a great bike rider. They also do bike tours featuring traditional New Orleans dishes, if you don’t want to drink. Of course, this is information from 2016, so I don’t know if they are still around. But they’re worth checking out.
Anon
Biscuits at Willa Jean, it’s been at least five years and we still talk about them.
KH
Great suggestions already! Piling on a few more:
Jazz brunch at Commanders
Antique shops on Royal
Show at Preservation Hall
Cocktail tour in the FQ (maybe also voodoo tour if you’re into that)
Architecture tour in the Garden District
Lunch at Bayona
Dinner or drinks at Bacchanal
LaurenB
Is the campus of Tulane worth visiting?
SC
Not specifically, but it is worth taking a streetcar down St. Charles Avenue to Audubon Park, where you will end up across the street from Loyola and Tulane Universities.
SC
Late to this, but check the events calendar for October. French Quarter Festival is the first weekend, Jazz Fest is the second and third weekends, Buku is the fourth weekend (and also Krewe of Boo). Voodoo Fest has been canceled, but Halloween is still a big deal in New Orleans. Also, the Saints play in New Orleans on Oct. 3 and Oct. 31.
You don’t specify if you’re coming to New Orleans for any of those particular events. If not, they’re all worth checking out! I’m partial to French Quarter Fest because it’s free and in the Quarter/by the river and has more local music, like Jazz Fest used to. But they’re all going to make the city super crowded, so plan early and plan for crowds!
Anon
I have had a mysterious shoulder pain for about a year. I did a zoom visit with my primary care doc early last year which where I was advised to take ibuprofen and ice it. The pain has persisted. I also had unrelated knee pain. I have been putting off going to the doctor, mainly because I’m not sure where to go. Should I go back to my primary doc or straight to an orthopedic office? I’m sort of stuck in an overthinking cycle and not getting care.
Anonymous
Orthopedist.
anon
Ortho in person. Your PCP is not the right person for musculoskeletal pain.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Straight to orthopedic
Anon B
Go straight to an ortho with both issues – you’ll get a better and faster diagnosis. You could keep the primary care doc in the loop by sharing the diagnosis from the ortho after the fact.
Anonymous
Another vote for straight to ortho in person.
anon
Do you have any inkling what the issue might be? Depends on your coverage/etc., but here in Canada my first thought for this sort of issue would be a physiotherapist to assess and walk you through the basics. Partly, you’d never get a referral to a ortho for those symptoms, but also because a physio is likely to try non-invasive options first before jumping straight to lots of imaging and surgery. Not to say you may not eventually need that, but I’d start with the simpler option first…
Anonymous
I know Canadians love their healthcare system but it always sounds horrendous to me. At least here I can see a doctor when I want.
Anon
Interesting. I’m in the US and despite my insurance not requiring referrals, my hospital system does. I can’t just call up a specialist and make an appointment. They will not see me unless my in-network primary refers me, even though it is not an insurance requirement. The gate keeping drives me nuts. Sometimes I just want a second opinion!
Anon
This is true in my city too. I switched to an HMO this year, but even before that I couldn’t make appointments with any of the specialists without a referral. My insurance didn’t require them, but the doctors did, so I figured I might as well save money and switch to an HMO plan that had pretty much the same network of doctors, since I still needed referrals for everything even in a PPO. As someone with a chronic illness, my experience with the American healthcare system is that we have tons of limitations on doctors, extremely long wait times (both for PCPs and specialists) and lots of restrictions on care. And it’s super expensive. I have no idea who these people are who think our health care system is so fantastic.
Anon
Doesn’t Canada still have private doctors, though?
Curious
My mind went to PT too!
London (formerly NY) CPA
I almost said start with PT, but most people in the US get prescriptions for PT from orthopedists. I don’t need to with my insurance so I usually go straight to PT, but I also know I have a chronic issue that causes a lot of my pain, so I know it’s pretty unlikely I would need imaging or anything an ortho would ask for to rule out things that might require surgical intervention.
Curious
Ah! That makes sense. In WA state we don’t need a PT prescription — can go directly there for eval. That was my gap!
anon
I’ve had a similar issue with my shoulder. Went to shoulder specialist (ortho), XRays clear, so she sent me to PT. At PT we realized it was actually due to neck issues – muscle not skeletal. Hopefully, this is all it is. Apparently, tightness in our necks/how we’ve been WFH without an ergonomic set up is causing a lot of these problems.
Side note: Take aleve (if you can). It’s much better than ibuprofen for this. My doc suggested this – I’d never taken Aleve – and it was very helpful.
Anonymous
See an orthopedic and get a prescription for PT. My PT fixed my shoulder pain in 2 weeks.
Anonymous
I like sports doctors for orthopedic things. They are more likely to send you to PT.
anon
I agree with Ortho. My area has an Ortho urgent care, which is amazing and you can generally get in very quickly.
just a potato
You could also try sports med or physiatry, even if it’s not athletics related. Around here there aren’t many general ortho people whereas the SM/P guys do multiple areas.
Is it Friday yet?
I prefer seeing a physician that does Sports Medicine or Physical/Rehabilitation Medicine (i.e. not a surgeon) prior to the ortho, as they have the expertise and will order imaging, PT, etc. but emphasize non-invasive options. Mine is part of a spine/ortho group, and will refer you to an ortho if necessary – but frequently the answer is just PT. I try to avoid the ortho unless it’s something like a break or a tear that clearly needs more invasive treatment. For mysterious pain, I’d start there. Agree that the PCP is the wrong provider at this point.
I can't sit on the floor
Where do you buy your furniture? We just bought a place and are looking for something nicer than Ikea, but not Hepplewhite and Chippendale! Bonus points for an Art Deco aesthetic. Thank you!
anne-on
We’ve bought two couches from the CoCoCoHome company and really love both – they’re slightly more than Crate and Barrel but VERY customizable. We’ve got pets and a kid and the velvet is holding up very well to both. I will say we bought our most recent piece in February and got it in July…so that’s not great, but we hit both the Covid shutdowns AND the foam shortages due to the TX weather, I think they’re back to a more standard 3mo. delivery time now.
https://cococohome.com/store/
Veronica Mars
Ditto. We bought a classic chesterfield from them and absolutely love it. We ordered in November and got ours in February (maybe?)- we hit into the foam shortage too but we were at the very top of the list when it started so didn’t have to wait long.
Anon
That’s very specific! FB Marketplace and vintage stores will be your best bet. Art Deco isn’t hot right now, so you won’t find it in new furniture stores.
Anon
I’ve had a good experience with Modern Classics. Modern moreso than art deco, but there’s a little bit of overlap depending on what you’re in to.
Anonny
So, a lot of furniture is featuring “curves” now, which I love, and may be in lines with your Art Deco tendencies. I’ve seen some at West Elm and CB2.
Anonny
Like this: https://www.cb2.com/amati-burl-wood-entryway-cabinet/s619670
This: https://www.cb2.com/fitz-swivel-chair/s107818
and this: https://www.westelm.com/products/marble-rose-brass-side-table-h7097/?pkey=cend-side-tables
ArenKay
Stickley. Quality is fabulous (we have 15-year-old pieces that are going strong and look great, and they’ve got some Art Deco stuff.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 Both of my parents have pretty much only Stickley furniture in their homes and the quality is amazing (although fair warning: it’s reflected in the price tag)
Anonymous
Gat Creek is less expensive than Stickley and has some similar styles, although I wouldn’t call any of it Art Deco. Nice quality, solid wood.
Bonnie Kate
Our sectional is from Interior Define – it took forever to get but we really like it. We also have a ~10 year old LaZBoy couch that is very neutral – it’s cream, doesn’t recline, very basic shape – that has held up well.
I love looking at furniture – home decor blogs are my main jam – and love a lot from West Elm.
If you find a specific piece of furniture that you love, I recommend using the similar item shopping search on Pinterest to find similar items. Pin the picture of the furniture you like, go to the pin and scroll down – you should see similar items. I think Art Deco is slowly coming back into trend, so I do think it’s worth looking at stores for it but I wouldn’t expect to find a ton.
My main approach to decorating is to buy new high quality basic main soft pieces – like the couch – and look at vintage shops and FB Marketplace for the the cool hard pieces (console, dressers, side tables, headboard). I can easily clean hard surfaces, whereas the soft surfaces are more tricky. Oh and lighting! I love vintage/FB Marketplace/thrift for lamps.
Anonymous
If I were you I’d buy authentic art deco stuff at estate sales etc. Personally my taste leans more Victorian with a splash of Hollywood Regency and I get everything second hand.
Anon
If Z Gallery is still around, they had a ton of deco once upon a time (may be worth a search term in marketplace). Personally, I like a new couch and vintage accents. Still very happy with my Article velvet sofa (in green) – so comfortable.
Allie
Not Art Deco but I love Room and Board for the quality and customer service and have been very pleasantly surprised with the quality and value of Apt.2B furniture.
Anonymous
I would look at Larry Lazlo from Chaddock Home. Their pieces are old-school well made and last forever.
Anonymous
I have a lot of stuff from Article, CB2, and Crate and Barrel I love. I also regularly browse West Elm, Apt 2b, Rove Concepts, Anthropologie, Burke Decor (for accessories) and Lulu and Georgia.
Anonymous
Oh, and don’t discount FB Marketplace and Craigslist. You will also probably have a *lot* of luck looking for vintage and new art deco pieces on Chairish.
Anonymous
I have to vent for a minute. We have a project-based structure at my office. On a current project, I have the title of Project Manager (which is lower-level), but function at a much higher level with successful deliverables and client feedback to prove it. I asked to be promoted to Deputy Project Director when the contract renewal comes up soon, which is partially symbolic but would also help me get formally promoted in the future. That position on this project is currently unoccupied and the Project Director enthusiastically supported my idea and said that it would make perfect sense for the role I play in reality. She emphasized how much she values my contributions.
Now for the twist: apparently the company CEO is nixing the change because it would “disrespect” a old white man who works on the project (no formal title), has worked at the company for years (they’re friends as well), and whose contributions are mediocre at best. Of course that’s not the reason our CEO told me – she said “I’m not sure it makes sense to change the structure,” completely vague and unspecific, and I heard from a work friend that “I won’t change it because it will disrespect Joe” is a direct quote. FWIW, other direct quotes from her about “Joe’s” contributions in the past include “you have to nag him to make him do anything” and “we can’t trust him to get it done without babysitting” and “someone needs to check his work because it’s probably wrong.” This is especially galling because it was my specialized subject matter knowledge and excellent proposal that won us this damn contract – which the CEO acknowledged at the time and thanked me for.
No longer seeking a promotion – I’m seeking a new job. I won’t work somewhere where crappy white men are protected at all costs and hard-working women are slapped down. I knew the company was dysfunctional, but this degree honestly shocked me. Had to scream into the void for a second.
Cornellian
Oof. That is awful. I know some folks will differ, but when you leave I would let them know why. Maybe not in as direct of terms as your last paragraph, but make it clear.
Monday
+1. I’d explicitly mention that the CEO agreed that your skills and knowledge won the contract.
Anonymous
Good for you for seeing your worth and getting out!
Walnut
+1 to job searching
In the meantime, is your Project Director pushing back? I would prepare a quick list of bullet points supporting why it does make sense and poke this one with a stick. Even if you’re not successful, you push the CEO to think about their biases.
Anonymous
+1 to job searching
In the meantime, is your Project Director pushing back? I would prepare a quick list of bullet points supporting why it does make sense and poke this one with a stick. Even if you’re not successful, you push the CEO to think about their biases.
Walnut
Even though you know about the Joe situation, it’s not part of the argument you are making. The CEO made an emotional reaction (that is 100% BS and full of bias) and you’re going to counter it with facts. You and I both know this is likely going nowhere, which is why searching for another role is the actual solution, but maybe you’ll nudge the issue so the next person has a better experience?
For your meeting with your project director, I would leave Joe out of it. Focus on the facts. I’d be surprised if your project director doesn’t know the politics around the situation, but it likely won’t benefit you to disparage Joe.
Anonymous
Hm, you wouldn’t mention Joe at all? I have a very good relationship with my Project Director (and she is well aware of Joe’s faults already…) and was hoping to have an honest conversation to emphasize the specificity and severity of this issue. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get through otherwise. I guess it doesn’t matter since I definitely HAVE to leave anyway.
Walnut
My hunch is that your project director would already know the REAL reason the CEO said no (protecting Joe), so there wouldn’t be much value in bringing that piece up and it only distracts from laying out a strategy to turn that no into a yes.
Your meeting with the project manager should be focused on developing the data points that support your title change and emphasize that you’ve already been doing this role. You might also think about the benefits of having the appropriate job title for the project (IE, tasks will get more visibility, stakeholders will understand impact, etc.)
Your objective is to counter the CEO’s emotional response with hard data that builds a persuasive case compelling the CEO to change their mind. Help them understand that the benefits of the appropriate title are worth the ruffled feathers.
Curious
I slightly disagree with Walnut — I would say something briefly that implicates the Joe situation just so she sees that that might be part of the issue, then focus almost exclusively on the data needed for push back. We do a lot of those “quiet implications” and they help pass information/ motivation to counter bias without distracting from the important case at hand. Maybe something like “sounds like there might be some concern about how the title change would affect morale with others in a similar role” and then move on to “but good workers support each other when they get well-deserved title changes, and I think we have a strong case. [Lays out case again].” What’s nice here is that you’re framing it not in terms of Joe but in terms of a legitimate management concern (how changes affect team morale), then addressing that “risk” head on with your data.
Anonymous
Thanks, Curious. I like that approach! Thanks Walnut for all the good advice too. I’ll think everything over for a few more days.
No Face
GOOD FOR YOU. Get the title and the money you deserve.
Anonymous
I am finally ready admit that my five-year-old nude wedges are done. I love these shoes and they’ve been workhorses, but they desperately need to be replaced. I gather that nude wedges are no longer fashionable, but what is the new equivalent for a neutral, everyday work shoe to wear with dresses? My feet can’t take high heels, but a low wedge is so much more comfortable for me than flats. This doesn’t seem to exist anymore. What are people wearing these days?
anne-on
I go back into the office next month and panic ordered two pairs of these this AM, here’s hoping they’re comfortable! Otherwise I’d check out the comfortable flat thread from last week. The rockport total motion flat got recommended a bunch but I found the leather to be stiff and cut into my heels.
https://www.sperry.com/en/saybrook-slip-on-tumbled-leather-loafer/45761W.html?dwvar_45761W_color=STS85450&ref=saybrook#q=saybrook&start=1
Bonnie Kate
yes I just got those sperry loafers last week! There’re very cute; I think they’re comfortable, but it’s still too warm here for me to test them out. I sent another pair of sperry loafers back to exchange for the next size bigger.
Lol to panic ordering, that’s also how I ordered the sperry’s too.
Anonymous
What do you mean by “too warm for me to test them out.” Is there weather in which one can’t wear loafers?
just a potato
sometimes its too hot for certain shoes, not specifically the style.
Anonymous
Anything over 70 degrees is too hot for shoes, in my book. Sandals only unless I am in court.
Bonnie Kate
My office is casual so I can wear sandals whenever I like, and since it’s been in the 80s here, and our office A/C really doesn’t cool my office very efficiently, that means it’s been too warm for me to test them out. :)
My loafer panic ordering was more spurred by the two months of conferences I have starting at the end of August running through October. I can’t wear sandals to those.
Anonymous
Interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone wear sandals at work except on a weekend/after hours, and it has never occurred to me to do so, regardless of the formality of the dress code. Maybe it is regional. I am in Atlanta.
Aunt Jamesina
I embrace my inner Katherine Hepburn and wear oxfords and loafers. A totally different silhouette than heels, but much more supportive than ballet flats or any other dress shoes I can find. Block heels seem to be the updated version of wedge heels. I have a pair of block heels I really like, although I haven’t worn them once since the pandemic started!
Bonnie Kate
Yesssss I love this. You just made me realize that Katherine Hepburn is exactly where I want to be headed.
Anonymous
I would go for block heels, and buy cognac or black instead of nude, unless you are in the Southeast.
Anon
I feel like a brown leather is more modern than nude – natural tan, camel, cordovan, etc
For stiles I’m sure you can still find a wedge. You might also consider a lower block heel. An elongated toe is going to make it feel more current.
I am seeing a lot of shoes with straps now, as one does in summer, either true sandals or a closed toe with straps at the instep or a sling back. More power to you if you can wear a sling back – I think they look great but they won’t stay on my feet.
In-House in Houston
Honestly, I’d just get a new pair of nude wedges. They are still professional, even if they’re not “on-trend.” IMO, unless you work in fashion or in NYC, as long as it’s professional and in good shape, who freakin’ cares if it’s not “current.” I wear wedges every single day to my Fortune 100 office – black, nude/taupe, navy, you name it. I know I look professional and I really don’t give a rats ass if Anna Wintour would look down her nose at me. Just my 2cents.
Anon
Preach!
Anon
Do adults who regularly sleep soundly through the night exist? Asking for a friend ?
Anon
I did, before having kids. I’m pretty sure I haven’t slept soundly since.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
Yeah I mostly do! Cat breakfast must be served at 5:45, I lost that negotiation with Cat, but otherwise I mostly do. I find things that result in wake ups are alcohol, in any amount, lots of water after 8 (like if I finish a workout at 9 and drink 24 oz), if it’s hot, or if I ate a heavy meal or one with onions.
Anon
I also had this arrangement with my cat and an automatic feeder was life changing.
Anonymous
When I take care of myself, yes. But I often fall off the wagon and skip a workout or eat some junk food, then no more sleep for me.
Anonymous
I totally do. It is like my superpower. I can drink a ton of caffeine and it still works. The only thing that throws me is as I get older, I can’t overeat at dinner (occasional stomach sleeper in the summer). It even works camping.
I do have to pee more overnight, but I am lucky in that I don’t think I fully wake up for that and get right back to sleep.
It’s probably 75% how I’m wired.
Anonymous
Same, I am strangely proud of how well I can sleep, even though it’s clearly not something I have put effort into. Somehow, after years of waking up to feed babies at night, my brain and body decided that it’s now generally my spouse’s turn to sleep lighter and listen for kid noises and he will wake me up if he needs my help to deal with a kid thing or there is, like, an intruder in the house. I definitely sleep lighter when he is not around.
Anonymous
Yes. I have an aunt who, in her words, “sleeps like the dead.” She lays her head on the pillow and wakes up in the same position eight hours later. Anyone who has ever shared a bed with her remarks on it. It probably explains her high energy and productivity!
Anonymous
This. I was worried re having kids but I seem to have an autopilot that senses them and otherwise turns out things (we live on the ambulance route for the hospital). I have really good hearing when awake.
Cornellian
Not in my friend group of parent lawyers, honestly.
Anon
Most of my family does not but my mom sleeps like a log and it’s infuriating
anon
Yes! But I also do not have kids or a spouse/partner. For reference, age 41.
Anonymous
Only if my husband sleeps in another room.
Anon
I can when I wear earplugs, bur that’s season/allergy dependent. Otherwise I am constantly woken up by trash trucks (ten per week, eff this dysfunctional town).
Sunshine
My husband (age 38) and my dad (age 68) do. My mom and I, not so much.
Anone
I’m wondering how old the posters are who sleep through the night regularly. I’m 45 and I don’t anymore, which is so aggravating, because I am one of those people who really needs at least 7 hours of sound sleep. I wear earplugs, have a weighted blanket, drink no caffeine after 3pm, walk outside in the AM, exercise regularly and still, I”m up nearly every night at least once between 2-4 AM.
Anonymous
44, and once I got my sleep apnea taken care of I sleep through the night 95 % of the time. Life changing.
Anonymous
I’m in my mid-30s and I also routinely wake up at least once a night, but I also think that’s just how my sleep cycle is. I heard a story once on some historical study a guy did on biphasic sleep patterns through history and it sort of fits my sleeping patterns.
Anon
I’m 27 and I’m like you, and have been for at least a decade! It sucks!
Anonymous
50 and I am the person with sleeping as a superpower. I can’t explain it really. I am just lucky.
LaurenB
I have the superpower of being able to fall asleep on a plane. I am drowsy by the time it takes off and I wake when they touch down. This is just dumb luck though.
anon
Yes, 34, married, toddler, infant. Use a noise machine and earplugs since husband snores. And if I don’t take care of myself, it all falls apart. But if I’m exercising, eating well, only one cup of caffeine in the morning, meditating and going to bed around the same time, I sleep easily.
Anonymous
I stopped that sometime around early 40s (I’m 47 now). Was diagnosed with sleep apnea around 45. Aging is one of the contributors to apnea. I only mention because if you are waking up multiple times to the point of daytime sleepiness, it might be worth checking out. (Now I would sleep through the night if only my dog didn’t have the bladder of an 87 year old man. He loves taking a good long drink right before bed each night–I think it’s to spite me!)
Anon
When I was younger, I did not sleep for long (routinely an hour or two less than other people my age), but slept like the dead. I’ve slept through hurricanes and half slept through fire alarms. As I’ve aged, I sleep soundly.
Anon
Rarely. I think I did before peri menopause but once that hit, a middle of the night wee became mandatory. The trick now is to go back to sleep quickly, which I’m getting better at.
Coach Laura
For most of my adult life, I never woke up during the night. Even pregnant, I slept 7-8 hours without waking even to pee. When the kids got older, I was back to straight through without waking. Most night now, age 62, I can sleep 6-7 hours without having to pee and I’ve even trained myself to sleep through my husband’s 5am shower 95% of the time. Sleeping is one sport at which I excel.
Anon sleeper
Super sleeper here, aged 48. It’s always been that way, pretty much unchanged through three pregnancies, times of great stress/low exercise, sick/ healthy,,you name it. I can fall asleep and stay asleep for 8-9 hours every night. I have had insomnia two times in my life (each for less than a week), and I was so so miserable. It gave me a new sympathy for people who can’t sleep well. *I am very sensitive to caffeine, which is something I realized in college. I don’t drink coffee or caffeinated tea ever, and avoid chocolate to, which might explain partially why I am always ready to fall asleep.
Anon
I have terrible insomnia that seems to be getting worse with age, but once I finally fall asleep I sleep like I’m dead. I can sleep 12+ hours if I’m not interrupted, although it’s rare I get more than 8 hours at once. I’m 36 and have a preschooler. I’ve never woken in the night to pee, not even when I was preggo. I have a big bladder though.
Yes
Like other poster, this is also my super power. I don’t make it past 30 seconds of the sleep meditation. I can put my head wherever and conk out immediately. Only thing that shoots me out of bed besides my alarm is the sound of the dog trying to throw up, ha (dog owners know exactly what I mean!).
My SO does not. Sleep hygiene is crucial for him (eye mask, sound machine, dropped temp., no bluelight before bed, no food close to bedtime, etc.).
Anonymous
I am finally able to get vaccinated next week- just need to sign up. I can choose between locations, one giving moderna and one Pfizer. Obv the important thing is just getting it, but if you had the choice which would you get? I’m relatively healthy, just gave birth, mid 30s. If you know if one is better against variants/ better at giving antibodies through breast milk id be very interested in that. Thank you!
Anonymous
No one knows that. I’d go for Pfizer because I like the name more.
Cornellian
From what I’ve read there isn’t a huge difference in antibodies, but a few more women noticed a short-term decrease in supply with Moderna than Pfizer. I’d just get whatever one you can get first, honestly. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK565969/
Cornellian
https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-01680-x
Anonymous
I would choose Pfizer for the very slight increase in efficacy. But I don’t know about the breast milk question.
Anonymous
I was pfiderna’d. I’m happy with it
Anon
I was pfiderna’d. I’m happy with it
Anonymous
Yep, one of each.
Anonymous
what?
NYNY
Both are good options and showing strong protection against the delta variant. I’d do Pfizer because it’s one less week to being fully vaccinated.
Anon
+1
Got Moderna back in February (I’m a first responder). I think both Moderna and Pfizer are great, but at this point I’d do for Pfizer just because you’ll be fully vaccinated sooner.
Anonymous
Totally forgot that it was quicker – I think that is reason enough! Thank you
Anonymous
+1 for Pfizer is pfaster.
KH
Snort
Anon
I got Moderna while breastfeeding. Did not see a supply decrease; obv. no way of knowing how kiddo’s immune system was impacted.
Coach Laura
I got Moderna and am pleased with it but as Pfizer is used in UK and Israel, there’s a lot more research on it worldwide. So I’d recommend Pfizer.
Anonymous
Anyone have a good travel fan? Something I can carry around Greece because I am a delicate northern flower who wilts in the heat.
anon
How do you guys decide if you want to do the marriage and wedding thing, as opposed to staying happily partnered up? We’re in Toronto, own a house together, and are considered legally married for most things (common-law). We’re both lawyers so I’m very aware of what our exact rights are and I’m happy with where things stand, no one ever challenges our relationships, I have no concerns about decision-making at the hospital, end-of-life, etc. We do not want children.
Basically every person we know (not an exaggeration) is currently engaged, and due to COVID, 2 summers worth of weddings will be happening in quick succession. I love weddings and am excited for my friends, but the idea of being the 10th wedding, the summer after next, probably once at least some of those couples are pregnant, does not sound fun at all. I also have a bad habit of not wanting to do things just because other people are doing it, so the fact that everyone is getting married is a strike against the whole idea.
On the other hand, I am in a marriage-like commitment to my partner and society has created a pretty specific way to recognize that. I love parties, love to host, and a wedding is probably the biggest party we’d be able to host. We both have family in another country and this would probably be the only time they’d all come to meet. While even basic weddings are very expensive here, we are in a strong financial position and wouldn’t be forgoing a downpayment/major trip/etc. to pay for one.
I’m torn, and don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk this through with. Partner and I have talked, and he is waiting for a sign from me about what I want – he purports to be happy either way. He has some THOUGHTS about how other people have handled their engagements/weddings, and specific things that we would do differently, so I think I’m probably the limiting factor right now. Of course, one of the things he wants is a relatively short engagement – like 6-8 months – which means that if we do want to do the wedding thing, we have to hit the ground running asap post engagement (which he understands.)
Ugh, this is turning into a novel and I was about to do a “on the other other hand”. Help!
Anonymous
Sounds like you want to be married and host a wedding but also part of your personality is being a tad judgy and contrary so it’s hard to admit that actually you do want to do a fun nice thing like everyone else and aren’t special and different.
Anonymous
Which like to be very clear is also me a bit! I just think you gotta get over it.
Vicky Austin
Ha, this is also me! I have some leftover “not like other girls” syndrome and before getting engaged I acted very snotty about lots of the fancy trappings of weddings. Once I was engaged, I wanted those things too, and I had to be honest with myself about why I was resisting them. (Not saying this is exactly what you’re doing.) It’s okay to want what everyone else wants, and it’s okay to change your mind TO wanting what everyone else wants. It does not make you a sellout.
And I was able to have a wedding that I felt was different enough from Other People’s that I was happy about it (e.g., I got married in 2018 and did not have a first dance to Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect”). “Off-season” weddings like fall or New Year’s are a great way to do that. Skip traditions you don’t like, go all in on the ones you do, include details that make YOU happy and you’ll be absolutely fine.
Kids
This is me with kids and baby showers and things like that. Glad to hear I’m not the only one!
anon
+1. And I get that, because I can get that way, too, but you really sound like you’re standing in your own way!
We had a 7-month engagement. Would HIGHLY recommend the shorter engagement.
Senior Attorney
+1 to short engagement. Ours was six months to the day between engagement and wedding and can’t recommend highly enough.
Anon
We got marred in early July and married in Mid-August. It was perfect.
Anon
Yeah, this is the impression I get: you want a wedding but want to not want a wedding.
Just have whatever wedding you want! Long engagement, short engagement – make the engagement fit with whatever needs to be done between now and then. Have a fun wedding (we had a Twelfth Night theme). Have a park wedding. Host in a quirky restaurant.
Anonymous
Can you not just get married and be married without doing the whole “Woo wedding” thing? You can make it official without going all the way to “here are my colors and I expect all y’all to be wearing them” and having 4 pre parties.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to have the 10th wedding of the summer, you could do what my niece did and have a New Year’s wedding. If you get the save-the-dates out ASAP people will have time to plan.
Bonnie Kate
I like this idea a lot. This gives you the different type of wedding, a short engagement, and a big party. Plus it sounds very fun to me. I too am faintly bored to get another summer wedding invitation (happy for my friends! and will go and have a great time!) but would be very intrigued by a New Years wedding invite.
Walnut
The NYE weddings I’ve been to have been super fun! Do it!!
Anonymous
I hate to be a buzz kill but a huge advantage to warmer weather is more ability to COVID-proof with outdoor options.
Anonymous
This is a good point, but I think most vaccinated people who would be uncomfortable with an indoor wedding in a surge would also be uncomfortable traveling for any wedding, indoors or outdoors.
emeralds
Ooh hell yes, this seems like the perfect solution! Just throw a super fabulous NYE party where you happen to also get married :)
Deedee
I got married in the winter and feel a special affinity for other couples with winter anniversaries. Plus, the world of velvet and lace is much cozier in winter. :)
Anon
Winter wedding here! I loved it.
Formal dressing in the winter is just easier. Most everyone looks great in jewel tones, which is what my bridesmaids, mom, MIL, and flower girls wore (all different, all what they chose, all looked great together). I was not a sweat monster in my wedding dress.
Anon
Different circumstances but similarly conflicted. I’m divorced with a kid, and have a new partner that I’m deeply committed to. But unfortunately having gone through a divorce I’m very wary of how hard a legal marriage, and the financial entanglement, is to undo. I’m torn between getting married again with a strict pre-nup and being careful about finances, vs just putting in place a health care proxy etc.
Cornellian
If you’re already common law married and happy that way, could you just throw a “celebration” party? I’m Team Having All Your Family Members and Friends in One Place for a night, if you can swing it.
This wasn’t your question, but I think short engagements are the way to go for wedding planning. If you give yourself two years, it will take two years. Event planning has that sort of fluid characteristic, I think.
ATL
I don’t see why you’re on a 2 year wedding timeline? Did I miss something? I would say get married when you want, not on an artificially created timeline…you can have a wedding in 2 years, 4 years, 10 years…
anon
There’s no timeline at all, and waiting for an extended period is something I’ve thought about – wait for this first rush of a million weddings to pass, reassess later. My cohort is all early to mid-30’s with only one baby so far, so I sort of foresee a baby apocalypse on the horizon, which may also be a damper on the practical aspects of hosting a wedding.
Anonymous
This is a really negative way to speak about your friends’ happiness.
Curious
And yet it makes me chuckle because my friend group is in the baby apocalypse right now :). It definitely changes the dynamic but would not stop a wedding from being fun!
Anon
I think it’s hilarious. I enjoy friends with a sense of humor, you should develop one.
Anon
We are living in a baby apocalypse now, but would all definitely invest in baby-sitting since we miss weddings so much.
Anon
I think you’re really locked in to the idea that your wedding HAS to be a certain way and HAS to involve certain people and HAS to involve certain activities, and none of that is true. I will preview for you that once all of your friends are married and have in-laws and greater financial responsibilities, very likely they will not all be able to come to your wedding because of work or family obligations that preclude attending. I have yet to attend a wedding where everyone invited was in attendance, and that included friends of the bride and groom who had just had weddings the bride and groom attended.
I will say there’s a high degree of self-centeredness that’s coming through on some of your posts – what I’m reading is that it’s not so much that you don’t want to get married, as that you want to ensure that if you do get married you will get the level of attention you feel you deserve for your event. Spoiler alert: regardless of whether yours is wedding #1 or #10 in a given summer, you are by far the person who will care the most about your wedding. Everyone else is along for the ride. It’s unreasonable to expect that everyone around you will prioritize your wedding the way you are mentally prioritizing it. That’s the Bridezilla mindset in a nutshell – “this must be as important to everyone else as it is to me; this is MY day and I am owed a certain level of attention and adoration.” Not reasonable, and also not going to happen, in most cases.
If you don’t want to do the pretty-princess summer wedding with the bachelorette party having matching robes and four showers and all that nonsense, don’t do it. It’s been mentioned here many times but A Practical Wedding is a great resource for brides who want to do things differently than other people do them. You can wear a jumpsuit and go to the courthouse to get married and then go to brunch afterwards, if that’s what you want to do. You can get married in Hawaii on a boat. You can hike to the top of a mountain and get married there. However, if you don’t want to marry your partner, then don’t, and I’ll say I think it’s very easy to come up with lots of conditions and excuses about why you aren’t getting married because the wedding can’t be perfect, when the issue is really who you’re marrying (or the idea of marriage in general). A la Angela in The Office. If you feel like you’re marrying the wrong person there’s no wedding in the world that will make that feeling go away.
anon
Sorry if my posts are coming off self centered – I think the context is that the type of Bridezilla wedding you are describing is so so so far off from what exists and is acceptable in my friend group that it’s hard to even imagine. Engagements are not announced and are actively hidden, lest it be thought you are drawing too much attention. At least so far, my group doesn’t do bridesmaids or bachelorette parties or showers or anything like that. It’s not socially acceptable to talk about your wedding or plans. Everyone just pretends like these things casually emerge from thin air.
It’s more like – I know my friends would come out for my regardless, but I want them to, at least a bit, want to come. No one wants to feel they are throwing a party that people are not excited to be at, even if the reason they are not excited has nothing to do with the couple.
anon
Anon, you can’t control how people will react to your wedding plans. They might not want to come, and they’ll do it anyway because they love you. Or they might not, and it has everything to do with their circumstances and nothing to do with you. I don’t see the problem.
Anon
Here’s my advice: don’t be too “cool” to do what you want and have fun. Some of your friends may not have talked about their engagements but it’s totally fine to talk about yours! You don’t have to nix what you like because your friends were trying to actively hide their engagements (which seems pretty weird, tbh). Invite them to the shower with your family anyway. You might be surprised.
Anon
Whether you want a wedding and whether you want a marriage are two entirely different things. It seems like you are focusing on whether you want a wedding and that should be secondary. I remember that phase of life when you have a ton of weddings in a short period of time. I don’t see how that should impact your decision making whatsoever. We once had three wedding in three weekend and my husband and I were in all three of them. It didn’t make them less special at all. Separate the two issues and decide first whether you want to be married. I wanted to make that lifetime commitment to another person and have the legal protections that comes with building a life together. Then figure out if you want to do a big wedding or something else.
Cat
This was my reaction, too.
It’s true that people get Wedding Fatigue so if you’re concerned about Wedding Comparison Olympics, here is your permission to opt out and have a micro-wedding.
anon
I understand what you are saying, but we do already have the legal protections that come with building a life together and we have made a commitment to each other. Our social community gives us the same recognition as a married couple, so honestly this decision does seem a lot like – do we want a party to celebrate what already exists?
anon
I don’t know, do you? It seems like you do want the party, so have the party!
Anon
I think she wants a party when and if there won’t be any competing events that steal her thunder. Which is different than a central conflict of, do we get married or don’t we?
anonshmanon
I don’t think that you are missing anything. You know the legal implications, you don’t plan to have kids, you are living in a common law marriage already. So yeah, you really are wondering about a wonderful big celebration with your whole family.
One small caveat is if you ever consider moving to a different country, they might not treat you as married when it comes to visa rules etc. But that’s a very specific circumstance.
Anon
Out of curiosity since we don’t have common law protection in the US (outside of a couple of states, and even then I’m not sure it’s the same as marriage), what happens if you split up? Do you get alimony/palimony? Are your assets considered joint if you didn’t purchase them that way (ie., you owned a home and he moved in)?
Anonymous
Also in Ontario so I feel like I’m qualified to answer this. My partner of 10 years and I got married. For me it was about the commitment (getting divorced is still a lot harder than getting un-commonlawed) and for him it was about the party. Since I’m the person who didn’t care about the party I didn’t plan it, he did. It was a fun day but honestly it doesn’t change our life at all, we were already on each others healthcare plans, we already had a shared bank account, shared mortgage, were each others beneficiaries on all life insurance stuff etc. Ontario common law is very thorough.
Anonymous
I’d focus on the marriage not the party when you’re making your decision. From what you’ve written here, it sounds like your main hesitation is about the party. That’s silly. The wedding is just a couple of hours. If you want a big wedding then go for it. If you think your friends will grumble (they probably won’t) then keep it to family so your far flung relatives can come. If you don’t want a big wedding then that’s cool too! I just planned my wedding in 4 months and it was stressful but I’m so glad I didn’t drag it out over a year or more.
anon
Similar circumstances personally and in my Canadian friend group (the US friend group I swear dates a guy a for 18 months and immediately gets married, but that’s neither here nor there). For us, living the the US, we completely unromantically did the math on how much we would save on taxes, got a surprise bonus that would cover a small wedding and said “eh, why not?”. Going on five years and I don’t regret the decision since “long-term, not officially married partner” isn’t really common or understood where I’m living in the US (like it is in TO or MTL). If you don’t want to pay for a huge wedding, I’d recommend just doing something small – ceremony at city hall or a church (just make a building fund donation and the Anglican churches (esp. the old cathedrals with maintenance costs) generally don’t get too hung up on religiousness), and rent a private room at a restaurant for the the reception.
Anonymous
You make a good point, in the US we complain that a guy will live with you for 5 years and not want to marry, but it’s really that he’s gotten comfortable and just doesn’t want to marry you. In Canada, maybe a guy who lives with you for 5 years is committed to you forever, but in the US it just really feels different. A guy who lives with someone for 5 years is . . . single (at least when he meets you in a bar).
anon
Absolutely. I don’t know how to describe it other than in Canada you grew up with the expectation that this sort of relationship was just as committed as those that were married so it just wasn’t as big of a deal. Plus, in Quebec, when you stopped being able to change your maiden name, then it was less obvious who was married and who wasn’t.
Anonymous
Oh, wow, this comment makes so many US movies and series make more sense!
From a western European perspective, the Canadian model here is the norm, it didn’t even occur to me the US might be so wedding centric.
Flats Only
If you both have family in another country (and it’s the same country), can you have a wedding there? Big party, families get the meet, and perhaps someone there would enjoy handling some of the planning.
Deedee
I had a ~20 person wedding party following a private ceremony. That made sense for my spouse and I at the time (young, broke, very short engagement). But if I had the time to do it again and actual money to spend, I would definitely take advantage of bringing together friends and relatives from different times and places. BTW, this is also why I’m planning a blow out 25th anniversary party already… but of course older relatives will likely not be with us by then. There may be few other life occasions for those people to meet each other, let alone fete you.
Also, I just wanted to share this: I’m not straight and was raised by LGBTQ parents, so I really don’t take for granted how amazing it is for your whole community to come out and celebrate your marriage. I know you said you are already committed, but it was actually the public celebration that was most emotionally meaningful to me.
Anon
Starting with different strokes, I only ever wanted to marry my husband. I didn’t feel a desire to get married generally. When we met, the desire/pull/feeling (looking for the right word here) to be married and be our own family was incredibly strong and we knew it was right for us. I also am not someone who would go all-in absent being married. If I was unmarried, I’d have separate financial interests and one foot out the door. So those factors, right person plus my own level of commitment meant we got married. We eloped and had a party later. I chuckled at the baby apocalypse- fwiw, that puts a damper on parties for a loooonnnngggg time, and it factored into the kind of party we threw (dinner party in a private room at a restaurant, no kids) – a wedding reception where everyone leaves early is no fun. I’d echo the others though, separate the party from the person. In my experience, I was with a lot of lovely men for long-ish relationships (3-5 years) in marriage looking arrangements, but my heart wasn’t all there. Only marry when you know.
Anon
I like being married but didn’t want a wedding. We did a weekend in Vegas with just a few friends and family. (I’m in California so it wasn’t that big of a trip for anyone.)
I like that the law recognizes us as each other’s family. I’m in the US so it may be different than Canadian law but I’ve heard to many horror stories where one half of a couple was hospitalized and the partner was not considered next of kin. I know you can get around this with powers of attorney etc but I’d rather there not be any question. The last thing I need is my nutty sister making medical decisions on my behalf!
Anonymous
I was you (also Canadian so same tax stuff etc….) Wasn’t really interested in a wedding. Until – surprisingly – we came around to having a kiddo and once we started trying, I really wanted to get married (we owned a house together and had been together 9 years).
We got engaged several months into trying (when the ring arrived). Told our families October-ish and got married in April (final date confirmed after I realized I was preggo in December).
I LOVED our wedding. Way more than I thought I would. it was SO wonderful to have all these people we love together. Highly recommend planning a wedding in 4 months. it really narrows down what you do. (NO CRAFTING. NO Attendants). We rented out a restaurant – decorated nothing / had to organize very little. Guest list was by far the hardest part (based on venue size and strong desire to actually see all our guests). Short planning is possible if you get married in the off season.
Anonymous
I echo all the comments about thinking about the wedding celebration/party aspect as being separate from marriage itself. Personally, I was actually very anti-marriage for myself (bad parental divorce) until I met my now husband and honestly just was so over the moon I wanted to be committed in the biggest way possible. we did not have a big wedding and just got legally married with our families by a judge, and had dinner at a nice restaurant. I’m really glad we did it and took some lovely photos.
Anonymous
DH and I have been married less than a year and we recently started looking into buying a house. I’ve owned my house since before we met. DH has never had debt of any kind including a credit card. Our mortgage broker just told us that we’re ineligible for a mortgage because DH’s credit is unscorable and mortgage companies trigger off the lower score. I didn’t realize his lack of credit would impact us, considering I alone qualify for any size mortgage we could want at the best possible rate. All of the short-term options seem untenable: buy the house on my own without his name on anything, take out the mortgage on my own but put his name on the title, or buy the house now and refi the mortgage once he has credit at some point in the future when rates will likely be higher. So it looks like we’re staying put for now.
Does anyone have experience building credit from scratch later in life (we’re late 30s)? How long will this take? The mortgage broker said 3-4 months, the internet says more like 6, but I’m not seeing how long it might take to establish a GOOD score not just any score. I don’t want to take out a mortgage at a high rate, we’ll just wait, but I want a sense of timing for the sake of my own sanity. DH is talking to his bank about his options. I can add him to some of my credit cards but I don’t want to overdo it – I understand you shouldn’t take out too many lines of credit at once. How many cards should I add him to? Anything else I can do to help him build credit quickly?
Veronica Mars
You can find banks that will do manual underwriting for people with no credit scores. It takes longer, but it’s doable. Google Dave Ramsey’s resources for links to banks that will do it. See what kind of rate you can get. If you do want to continue with the credit route, add him as an authorized user to some of your longest and best credit cards. My credit history starts the year I was born because I’m still an authorized user on one of my mom’s oldest cards.
Anon
Talk to another broker. My H and I bought while I was still in law school and had no income (but a job offer for after graduation) and my name was not on the mortgage, which was based only on his credit and income. We were legally married at the time. It was not an issue at all. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to get a mortgage in your name only.
anon
+1 Get the mortgage in your name and put him on the title. I don’t see why this approach is untenable.
Cornellian
Maybe I’m jaded from my semi-recent divorce, but I don’t think any lawyer would advise you take 50% ownership of an asset and 100% ownership of the related debt. Plus it kicks the “no credit history” problem down the road.
OP, there are consultants for this. I think adding him to one older line of credit isp robably most helpful, but you probably want professional help here.
OP
Thanks, what kind of consultant am I looking for? Any recommendations?
anon
If you decide to get the mortgage in your name only, you could separately see a lawyer about a post-nup clarifying your respective obligations regarding the house.
OP
Just for clarity, I can absolutely get whatever mortgage I want in my name only. I said those options are untenable because that’s not really what I/we want to do.
BeenThatGuy
If you want a house right now, that’s what you’ll have to do. When your husband builds enough credit, then you re-fi and add him to the deed.
anon
+1 My ex-husband and I had to buy our house this way back in the day because I didn’t have enough credit history at the time (I was quite young).
Senior Attorney
Yes if you want a new house, that’s the only way it’s going to happen. And it’s not really that different form the situation you’re in now, is it? Then once he has decent credit you can re-fi and put him on both loan and title.
anon
That’s fair, but I also think you are overthinking the credit thing. Add him to one of your longest established credit card as an authorized user and accept that you are going to have wait a bit for his credit to be established. You can also look into something like Experian Boost to get any bills that are paid in his name added to his credit report. I find it hard to believe he has never had a bill in his name.
Anon
Since this is where you’re at, I would get him a credit card and put some bills in his name, and try again in a year. P.S., house prices are still completely bonkers right now in many markets and waiting a year will give the market a chance to cool down a little. If mortgage rates go up by half a point in a year, you may still end up in a better net position if you’re able to find a reasonably-priced house that appraises near the list price, vs. doing what many people are doing right now and having to bid on houses, offering $50k or $100k over appraisal and waiving inspections.
nuqotw
Yeah, just add him to one of your cards as an authorized user. I think the whole credit history of the card will transfer and then you’ll be set. Presumably add him to the card that’s been open the longest.
But also, I am not convinced your mortgage broker is correct about you being ineligible for a mortgage. I would try calling a few banks / credit unions directly and seeing what they say.
Anon
Why not get a mortgage in your name only?
Anonymous
Why give a husband half a house when he isn’t legally obligated to pay for it?
Cornellian
+1
Anon
Why did OP marry him in the first place if she’s not willing to do this on a temporary basis?
anon
+1 It’s for a year until they can refinance and he has built credit.
OP
It’s not really temporary as a practical matter, though. I could get a rate under 3% rn. I doubt that’s going to be the case in 2 years or whenever we would refi. So we’d have to pay more per month, plus whatever fees to refi, just to add his name? I don’t think future me is going to pull the trigger on that. Seems better to stay where we are, continue paying off my house at an accelerated rate, and then roll an even bigger dp into the next house.
Anon
You don’t have to put his name on the deed. You could add it if you refi. If my husband wouldn’t share finances though and refused to contribute towards the mortgage payment I’d divorce him.
Anonny
Well, this is what me and my fiancé did out of necessity – sometimes that happens to be the best financial option. In our case, my fiancé is still in school, works part time, and his credit score isn’t as good as mine. Adding him into the mortgage shopping process would have made things more difficult for us, and the goal was to get a house.
Anon
Because in my state at least, all debts are marital debts if incurred during the marriage with the knowledge of the other spouse, regardless of whose name they are in.
Anon
Yes I believe this would be the case in my state too. If you were to split up the courts would look at all debts and assets and split both evenly. The only exceptions would be for assets and debts acquired before the marriage, and even then, the gain or loss on those that happened during the marriage would be community property.
Anonymous
You should be able to get a mortgage in your name and the deed in both (if that’s something you are comfortable with). You could always do a refi in a couple years after he’s built up the credit.
Different situation, but I’m self employed and DH has an employer. We always have to be careful to have us both on the mortgage but pretend my income doesn’t exist because qualifying for a mortgage when self employed is a big headache and we qualify on DH’s income alone.
nuqotw
+1. I have a W2 and DH is self-employed. We always just apply on my income alone because the self-employed paperwork is awful.
Anonymous
That’s a terrible idea.
Anonymous
Late 30s and never had student loans or a car loan or a credit card? Shady. Doesn’t everyone know you need a credit card for exactly this reason and can just pay it off in full monthly.
No Face
Late 30s and never had any debt? Sexy!
Manual underwriting or mortgage in one name makes sense to me. Getting a credit card in both names and paying it off each month makes sense in the long run. I’ve also financed a car that I could have purchased outright, but paid it off very early.
Anonymous
It’s not sexy to be nearly 40 and have no idea that building credit is important.
Anon
Oh I have several friends (late 20s) without credit cards! The rest of us tell them it’s a terrible idea and they need to build credit but they still don’t!!
They’re also among my few friends who never had student loans, so they honestly have no credit score. We all live downtown so no one has a car, either.
Anonymous
Do they not travel for work? I would never pay for business travel expenses with my own actual money. I put them on my credit card and get reimbursed before the payment is due.
Credit cards also have better consumer protections than debit cards.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 if your debit card number gets stolen, it’s your money that disappears and good luck getting it back. If your credit card number gets stolen, it’s Chase’s/Amex’s/whatever’s money and it’s their problem instead. Plus a card with good rewards is basically free money or plane tickets if you pay it off every month!
anon
I’m curious how they managed to rent an apartment without a co-signer? That’s what drove me to start building credit in my early twenties. No way did I want to run to mom and dad to sign paperwork every time I needed a place to live.
anon
I don’t know that I’d call it shady, but it does seem really naive? Even in my early 20s, my lack of credit score was hurting me (couldn’t buy a car, couldn’t rent an apartment without a cosigner). Although my parents preached about why credit cards were evil, after college I ended up getting several for purely practical reasons and paid them off every month.
anon
I’m in my mid-30s and have never had a loan/debt of any kind. However, I got my first credit card at 18 for credit-building purposes. I also thought this was extremely common knowledge.
Anon
Sounds shady to me too. I was at first thinking just out him on the title, but not having a credit history doesn’t sit right and is ringing alarm bells. OP, tread with caution here. A friend of mine got scammed by a Dirty John kind of guy who claimed to have no credit and got her to put his name on all kinds of things she bought.
Hallee
Why are the short tem options untenable? Getting a mortgage in just your name sounds like the way to go.
Anonymous
This is stupid advice. Then he would own half the house and have no legal obligation to pay for it.
anon
You should not be married to someone that you fear will not contribute towards the mortgage payment on your home absent a legal obligation to do so.
Anon
+1 this is her HUSBAND not a random craigslist roommate
Anon
Her state laws may make the debt joint regardless in the event of divorce. I get that it’s not enforceable by the mortgage company and only through family court though.
anon
I don’t live in Narnia, I live in the world where people have functional marriages to people they trust. If you don’t, I suggest you immigrate to Divorcelandia. It’s far better than being married to a guy that you fear wouldn’t contribute to the mortgage payment unless legally liable.
BB
Okay, so no one seems to be answering your actual question about building credit from scratch? :) Well, I did it in my late 20s after moving back from overseas (lesson learned, do not cancel your US credit cards when you move). My credit was so unscorable that I couldn’t even get a Corporate card secured by my large employer. I’d say it took more like 6-10 months for things to go to “normal”. I started with a $500 limit secured card from my bank. After a month or so of that, you can go get a store credit card (Nordstrom, J Crew, etc.). At least at the time they would give these out to pretty much anyone. Use them for everything and pay off the balance every month. I also was able to transfer over my foreign personal Amex to a US Amex after a month but that took some time to get documents from my bank. It was pretty painful and not an experience I want to repeat. I was just lucky I wasn’t looking to buy a house or anything at the time.
OP
Thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for!
Anonymous
If you have a credit union rather than a bank, they can likely issue a low limit card.
KH
Good for you for actually answering the question!!
Anon
Here’s an out of the box suggestion:
1. You buy the house with your credit.
2. Both names go on the deed.
3. Post-nup agreement states that if you divorce, you get all the equity in the house.
If you stay married and you’re both contributing, it doesn’t matter whose name is on what. It’s all shuffling money around. If you divorce, you don’t want 100% of the debt and 50% of the asset. So, post-nuptial agreement.
Anon
Say for instance your husband could get credit and went on a huge, irresponsible spending spree, racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt. If you came onto this place and posted about it, I think the majority of respondents would say you were on the hook for half of it even if you divorced him. That’s how marriage works, at least in community property states. Maybe my Californian showing here. Where do you live? Is it a community property state?
Anokha
How do you care less about work? I realized yesterday how much of my daily emotions are tied to how my work day is going. And, lately, I have been unhappy with how work is going. It bleeds into other areas of my life.
Anonymous
This has gotten better for me as I’ve sought treatment for my anxiety. I did therapy for a while and it didn’t really help me; I learned intellectually how I should think about various stressors to develop better coping skills, but that didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts, shortness of breath, sleep interruptions, I could go on. I got a low dose of Wellbutrin from my PCP and it’s been life changing. When I start getting too wrapped up and overwhelmed, I can take a slightly higher dose that my PCP had ok’ed. I still care about my work so I can do a good job, but it doesn’t consume me like it once did. Consider talking to your doctor about what you’re experiencing.
Anokha
Thank you. That really resonates. (I’m also in therapy and have anxiety, but I don’t really feel like it’s helping). I don’t have a PCP, so maybe that’s step one…
Monday
If you don’t already, get some goals outside of work that you care about. Hobbies, volunteering, fitness, taking classes, whatever works for you. It’s important for striving people to have more than one thing to strive for. Otherwise, as you’re finding, a bad day at work is a bad day in the universal sense. It’s too many emotional eggs in one basket.
Anokha
Emotional eggs in one basket sounds exactly right. It’s so hard, because I feel like this job has so consumed me for the past eight years that between that and being a mom, I don’t have space left for me anymore.
anon
Try doing a short meditation at the end of your work day as a break signaling to your body that it is time to shift from work to not-work. At first you are going to feel really bad at it, that’s okay! Every time your mind wanders, forgive yourself and gently redirect your mind. Start with 5 or 10 minutes.
Years ago in therapy, we played the what if game to work through my anxiety. It helped me get to where I am now which is that I DGAF about what happens at work once I am done with my day. I do not save lives and my job is best done when I am rested, not stressd, and in a good mental health space. It’s going to take some time, but you have to repeat these things to yourself to remind yourself that your job is not your life and that your identity is not your job. You are more than than and you deserve to have a life that isn’t consumed by work all the time and the stress that it is causing you. There is no quick fix IMO, but you can absolutely get better at it over time.
Anon
Leaning hard I to your personal life (hobbies, relationships, volunteering, etc) and getting fulfillment there.
Anokha
Thank you. I only do pro bono (through work) as volunteering — it’s clearly time to think of finding volunteer options outside of work.
Hallee
Does anyone have a creative solution for this problem? Since last March, I have been working from home on my dining room table. This works well and gives me a nice white background for virtual meetings. But I hate having all my stuff in the dining room and losing the table space. I recently learned that I will be 3-4 days work from home going forward. I have been thinking about getting a desk in my bedroom and now is the time. My only hesitation is that on virtual meetings, my background will now be my bed. This would be ok if it was always made and looked great, but that is not always the case. (The platform my company uses does not allow virtual backgrounds like on Zoom). I saw on Amazon a collapsible background that attaches to an office chair, so I got that to try (arriving soon), but looking for any other solutions that might work.
Cornellian
I’ve considered hanging a curtain that rolls down behind me, but my ceiling is super high behind my desk so didn’t follow through. I think it would be nice to be able to roll it up to the ceiling and have it out of the way. I think otherwise I’d be running in to it at night, spilling coffee on it, etc.
No Face
Curtain rail track on the ceiling? Can you fit a room divider behind you?
Anonymous
Girl quit being so lazy. Making your bed take a hot 90 seconds. Just do that.
Anonymous
I make my bed daily and keep my bedroom impeccably neat and I still don’t want the judge to see it in the background. A folding screen is a great idea.
Senior Attorney
This is not phrased very kindly, but I completely agree with the second and third sentences.
Anon
+1
So easy to just make your bed everyday.
Cora
Tbh even if it is well made I don’t really like having my bed behind me on work calls, too much crossover of work and home
Anon
And buy a really gorgeous but plain (not flowered) spread. Yank the covers down so they are straight, throw the pretty bedspread over, and you’re done.
Cat
I would advise against using your bedroom as your office just for psychological reasons – who wants to sleep next to their monitor?
Can you find a way to fit the desk into the dining room instead?
Anonymous
Agree to an extent but I’ve had over a year to think about this and have determined it’s the best long term solution for me. Luckily my bedroom is big, but my dining room is part of an open concept and I don’t want my desk in my main living space (after having done it since March 2020).
Anon
Get a small desk that’s more like a TV stand, with wheels on it. That’s what I have. I roll it out and sit in a corner when I need to use video, so my background is the bare wall in the corner. When I’m not on video, I push it so I can see out the windows while I work.
Anonymous
Large folding screen you can put in between you and the bed?
PolyD
This would be good because it would provide separation between work and sleep – maybe it will help with sleep if you “close” the office for the night and can’t see the desk from your bed.
PlinkPlonk
I bought one of the large folding screens and it was one of my best pandemic purchases!
I am similar to you, bed is not always made and sometimes there is a pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded dumped on the bed. I have used the room divider in many rooms, including when we had some workers fixing the AC in the room (behind the screen) and other such needs. At one point I had to move my desk to the garage and put the screen behind me so the boxes weren’t visible.
Shelle
I got one on overstock and it works great for this.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I was thinking the same.
FWIW, I’ve never been one to make my bed but started doing it during COVID because my bed was my Zoom background, and it was fine. I just prop up my main pillows, got some nice colored throw pillows and get those lined up, throw my duvet over the bed straight, and have a folded blanket at the foot of my bed. It took all of 30 seconds maybe, but multiple people commented on how nice it looked.
Anon
Are you able to create a new background on the platform you use? Like, on Zoom and teams, you can upload a pic and that’s your background. You could do a pic of a plain white wall.
Anon
Make your bed, pick up all the stuff and put it away, artfully arrange some pillows, and get your pet to pose nicely but inconspicuously on the bed, then take a pic and use that for the background.
Anon
I have seen lots of beds in backgrounds over the course of the pandemic and as long as your bed is made I don’t think anyone cares.
One of my colleagues does meetings with a Japanese style folding screen behind her, kind of the old fashioned room divider idea. I think it’s because she has an open concept home and a toddler, which comes with the toddler mess, but it seems like a good idea. I know these were popular at the beginning of the pandemic because I tried to buy one and couldn’t find one in stock anywhere!
Anonymous
I have a large adopted puppy that just turned 1. He is pretty chill and gets walked a fair amount. But b/w 6-8 at night, he gets possessed — attempts to play very roughly and jump on people (me, older kids who are able to walk him earlier in the day cannot manage him when he is like this and I feel like I barely can, either). I don’t know if it a puppy thing, a kid training thing (it is not just them though — he got really rough with me the other night), or what. We walk him a lot, and were told not to run with him until he was 2. I feel like rough play with another dog would work (but we don’t want another dog) and also not hurt the other dog, but I am concerned that as we start to have people over, this will end very poorly. All I can think of is to keep the dog on a leash inside from 6-8 or maybe go on a run/walk with him to get some big energy out quickly (or kicking a basketball in the yard). I am not even sure how to describe to a trainer (we did some basic training when we got him re sit, stay, walking on a leash; maybe we need something advanced?). This is my first dog and b/c he is very large, he will be scary to others.
Anonymous
You explain it to a trainer just like you did here! Pup is great most of the day but rough and uncontrollable between 6-8.
Anonny
This is very much puppy energy, especially for large dogs who take longer to mature. It’s good to get him plenty of exercise like you’re doing. He may mellow out over time, but in the meantime my 2 cents are to give him opportunities top play with other dogs – at dog park, friends’ homes – whenever you can, because play with other dogs helps them learn what is “too rough” as the other dogs will let him know. Also, when he gets rough, you can try to direct the energy to a desired way – use a tug-of-war rope, chew toy, whatever – instead of jumping on you, etc. You can also put him in his kennel or out when he gets rough – signal that he won’t get play when he acts that way – but don’t use harsh words or yell, as you don’t want him to associate negativity with kennel, etc.
But yes, a trainer can definitely give you specific advice for your dog! My cousin has a very large dog that is sweet, but a bit unaware of his size, and training helped her figure out how to handle a 90lb dog better.
Anonny
Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting him up from time to time when people are over!
Cornellian
If the weather/house is cooling off, it might be the “zoomies” energizing him. If he’s not getting enough walks, obviously start there. If he is, maybe he needs a stimulating toy/chew. one of those mazes you put his food in, for example.
Maybe if folks are coming home in early evening, he’s getting amped up by that? I’m not sure how to handle that, but something to consider. I adopted my last dog as an already 80-lb 8-month-old, and if I straight up ignored his jumping/attempts to get attention, he learned very quickly that he would get no interaction and tried other things. If youre interacting with him when he’s jumping, even if it’s to push him off, he may be getting positive feedback.
Walnut
Zoomies for sure. My geriatric giant breed still needs to dispel zoomies once a day in between his snoozes. Does your dog have an opportunity for off leash exercise where they can run some giant laps?
Anonymous
Have you tried doggie day care? A tired dog is a well-behaved dog.
anon
We always had what we called a puppy project for our dog’s daily crazy time. Usually his kong filled with peanut butter and his kibble. But the time he was done, the crazy time had passed.
Anonymous
This. Something for him to work on.
Anonymous
I’d suggest two things. First, how about trying some dog puzzles? The kong wobbler was pretty addictive for my pup. Classic kongs are great too. We fill them with a banana and then freeze them. Second, I agree with you that more exercise couldn’t hurt. Dogs play roughly with other dogs, especially at a young age. It looks scary but is actually just what they need. Dog parks are one idea. You could also try some time at dog daycare if you feel more comfortable starting in a supervised situation. Honestly, what is really going to help here is your dog will get older and calm down. With our pup, she really need more stimulation, not more exercise. Thus, dog parks (where she played with other dogs) and dog puzzles were the most helpful.
Anon
Extra dog training for this issue + regular visits to the dog park. Not “running your dog” doesn’t mean he can’t run sporadically in play, just not long high impact runs over hours.
Anonymous
Do you do mental activities in addition to physical ones? My dog needs both and mental activities are much more successful at tiring her out. Schedule for us is as follows – most of these take minimal effort. Our trainer recommended feeding food and treats in puzzles as extra stimulation.
Big walk in the AM (this is also my daily exercise) (45-60 minutes)
Feed breakfast in a puzzle toy (slow feeder that looks like a maze)
Quick trip to dog park (I live in a city – dog park is 1 block away; 15-20 minutes)
clicker training at end of work day (10 minutes max – either tricks – spin, down, sit, etc. or obstacles – setting up some things in the house to teach her weaving, jumping over things, going under things, jumping through hoops, etc.)
Feed dinner in another puzzle toy (snuffle mat; other puzzles)
Quick pee at night
Challenging treat (kong with PB; lick mat; bully stick)
AnonMPH
Our dog is similar-crazy times tend to be in the early evening just post-walk. A few things help: 1) getting older- he’s way better now that he is 2.5/3 than he was when he was 1. 2) Having played with other dogs. We try to take him to the dog park 1-2 evenings per week after work, and send him to dog daycare one full day per week. When we stick to that routine, he’s much better about all his behaviors. We haven’t been able to stick with it lately because it has been so hot, so he’s definitely been more of a nut. Tired from walks does not equate to the same kind of tired that comes from playing with other dogs. 3) When people come over we have to have him on a leash when they arrive because he jumps on new arrivals (in joy and love, not aggressive, but still, lots of people don’t want that). 4) Redirect bad behavior energy into good behavior energy. At that highly energetic witching hour, before he goes crazy, is a great time to work on some training. Practice the skills/tricks he knows, or teach him a new trick (rollover?). 5) Have you tried a spray bottle? The only thing our dog is truly scared of is the water bottle of doom. We keep it on hand and honestly almost never spray him, but if you lift it up and show him he will sulk off to the corner. Obviously every dog is different about this, but if you can find a mild behavioral threat we find that it helps.
Vicky Austin
I hear you! I have a big boisterous black Lab and he too seems to have a witching hour. Mental stimulation is great. Sometimes he will flop down and gnaw a chew toy for a good half hour, but sometimes I think he’s too amped for that. I love how much time I can get out of freezing Kongs, but I find it much faster and easier to freeze an ice cube tray full of his favorite treats (peanut butter, canned pumpkin, cubes of watermelon, banana) and then once frozen dump in a freezer bag. Then the minute he starts to act up, I can pull one or two out, shove them in his Kong and let him go crazy.
Anonymous
Make sure he is getting enough quality sleep during the day. He should be getting 15+ hours in a 24 hrs. My dog tends to nap with one eye open and always wants to see what I’m doing. He can get overtired and that impacts his mood, tolerance, etc. We are working on getting him to nap in his space.
Anon
I’m being recruited for a FAANG tech job in NYC, and I know that’s no guarantee, but I’m struggling with whether to apply or decline.
I live in the middle of nowhere and have been targeting remote jobs. Working in NYC would involve parking at my local airport and taking a bus to the city, about 4+ hours on the road per day. The thought fills my stomach with dread.
But, realistically, this would be amazing for my resume if I could grind it out for a few years. It would be a lateral move to switch my skills out of a dying industry into a promising one. I’m early 40s, not a fresh grad with endless energy. I’m also childfree, so wranging daycare and etc. isn’t relevant.
Would you apply?
Anon
A friend got a job that is out of state and was able to negotiate for them to pay for Amtrak and flexible working hours with some remote work. She works on the 1.5 hour train trip each way, and is then in the office something like 10-4 for meetings etc. It sounded crazy to me but she was making it work for a few years pre-pandemic, when she went fully remote. I would not want to do such a long commute if I had to have normal hours in the office 5 days a week.
Anokha
I think it’s worth interviewing — but I also think you should follow your gut re the dread.
Anon
Can you move? Is there any opportunity for remote work? I could not do that commute every day, it would make me very unhappy.
Anon
Moving is not currently an option, due to complicated family issues.
Anonymous
Absolutely not I wouldn’t even consider a 4 hour daily commute.
anon
I have now turned down two FAANG job offers because I didn’t want to relocate, but I feel like going through the process was kind of worth it just for the kick to my ego. I feel confident that if I don’t get some other job at a non-FAANG company it’s because I wasn’t a good fit, not because I’m not at the top of my game. So I’d say, give it a shot.
anon
haha, I turned down a FAANG offer as well a few months ago because I couldn’t pull the trigger to relocate. I feel better knowing there are others like me!
Curious
FWIW, Amazon’s new standard for corporate is 3 days in office, 2 at home, if that helps. It would cut weekly hours commuted from 20 to 12.
Anon
Thanks for this, from a HQ2 neighbor who is trying to figure out what my neighborhood will look like in 5 years.
Curious
No problem. It’s a mixed blessing to have Amazon corporate around for sure. Nice tax base from the salaries, but housing prices get so high.
Anon
Hard pass for me. I commuted an hour on MetroNorth and worked off of Grand Central for three years and it was draining. I had an easy commute by NYC standards. Moved out of state and prioritized a 20-min or less driving commute and it’s been life changing. With a FAANG job you will be working long hours and commuting long hours. Take the extra money and rent a room in the city for your in office days…or don’t do this to yourself.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1
The only way I see this being viable is if (1) you move or (2) you can WFH permanently with very occasional in person facetime needed or (3) you had a semi-flexible WFH policy and could rent a room somewhere to crash in the city 2-3 nights/week, so basically bus down Monday, stay in NYC Mon-Wed, bus home Wed night.
Anon
Wow, that’s a pretty standard nyc commute you know
Anon
Yup, I did mention it was an easy commute by NYC standards. Doesn’t mean it didn’t drain me or contribute to poor quality of life during that time. You have to know yourself and what is worth the cost of entry. Wasting my time on commuting is no longer something I’m willing to do. OP will have to see where they fit on the commuting continuum.
Bette
If you don’t want to move to NYC, could you do a hybrid WFH schedule and just spend a night or two in the city each week. You can find very cheap rentals for this type of thing. A friend did this for years.
I would not spend 4 hours a day commuting.
Anonymous
Can you move closer? I don’t really understand your commute, and there are affordable places you could live. If not, I would not consider this or tell them you want to be fully remote or only work in the office 1 day a week.
Anon
Yes, hear them out and consider moving.
Anon
I would apply and would go through the interview process. Discuss options for partial remote, flexible hours, working from the bus, etc. If you can’t come to an agreement you are both enthusiastic about, you don’t take the job.
Saguaro
A lot of my friends and coworkers that work in NYC but live on Long Island have a 2 hour commute one-way, between the train and subway and/or walk to the office. That’s 4 hours a day, so people do it. I would not personally do it, as that is a 12 hour day without even working any extra hours other than a regular 8 hours. However, having said that, I would interview and see how it goes. You never know; they may be open to full or partial remote, or some other alternative schedule that works better than a 4 hour commute every day.
Anon
Yes I’d apply. What’s the worst that could happen?
I have a number of friends who commute > 1 hour to work in nyc. My one friend is the most well-read person I know, which he attributes to forced reading time.
I think particularly in tech you can easily ask for a hybrid in person/remote job. Maybe you have to go in more in the beginning when you’re learning the ropes, then gradually get to a point where you’re only in the office 1-2 days a week. I know of one place that’s going to core in person hours Wednesdays only. The rest of up to the individual.
anon in NYC
I worked with someone at Google NYC who crashed in the city Tues, Wed, Thurs each week. Even pre-COVID, she negotiated a hybrid schedule because she lived in DE. She has now moved into a fully remote role because she couldn’t commute anymore for family reasons, but the Google name really helped her uplevel her career. We also had some folks who negotiated 2 – 3 days per week in office (once again, pre-COVID) who lived ~2 hours away (e.g. PA). Anyways, it’s worth exploring and might help your career!
Betsy
I worked with someone at Google NYC who crashed in the city Tues, Wed, Thurs each week. Even pre-COVID, she negotiated a hybrid schedule because she lived in DE. She has now moved into a fully remote role because she couldn’t commute anymore for family reasons, but the Google name really helped her uplevel her career. We also had some folks who negotiated 2 – 3 days per week in office (once again, pre-COVID) who lived ~2 hours away (e.g. PA). Anyways, it’s worth exploring and might help your career!
Cornellian
I think you have a few options:
-service provider financing: Often the roof/HVAC companies will offer financing, but I would carefully vet it. It’s usually not the cheapest but you can sometimes get discounts on the overall price if you use their financing.
-house refi: I would not refinance your house if it’s not otherwise on your list of things to do/you can get a better rate. Often the upfront costs will make that unattractive anyway.
-HELOC: I’d look into a HELOC, but again read carefully about when they can accelerate and what rates are. It seems like banks are starting to close lines of credit (maybe because of fears about folks being overextended), so this may be a less viable option soon. I’d consider checking with a local credit union before using a large national bank.
-personal credit: you could look for a personal line of credit (unsecured) which will be more expensive, but perhaps not prohibitively so if you can pay off relatively quickly.
Recently I had all my ductwork replaced, and I ended up saving ~50% and putting the rest on my low interest card to be paid off in a few months. As soon as you get this project done, you should probably start a sinking fund for the next repair so you have more options next time.
Flats Only
This above, plus keep in mind that unless it’s seriously leaking and allowing water damage, you can string out the life of an old roof a lot longer than “rules of thumb” and roofing companies will advise you to. We just replaced our roof. Probably should have done it 10 years ago, it did not look great and we had a couple of tiny leaks, but we were able to pay cash for it. So if another two or three years of saving would mean you can pay cash, definitely consider whether it’s a “should replace” or a “must replace” situation right now and don’t get pressured unnecessarily.
Senior Attorney
This is all good advice, but I’d add that if you’ve had your mortgage for a while, it’s quite likely you could indeed get a lower rate than you have so it’s definitely worth looking into a re-fi.
Anon
Another option is to apply for a credit card with a zero percent introductory rate, as long as you are confident you can pay it off during the promotional period.
Anonymous
This wasn’t your question, but I would suggest having 3-4 roofing companies come out to tell you how much longer you can get away with your roof as-is, and also to provide actual quotes. I’ve owned homes for 15+ years and honestly didn’t know how much a roof was going to cost, other than “a lot.” Turns out it was “only” $10k when I’d had $25k in my head. Also, I had the roofers out in 2018 and they said it was “nearing the end of its servicable life” but had several more good years in it. From what we can tell the roof went on in 1989.
If you are lucky, and willing to have a slightly older/faded roof, you’ll get a quote of ~$10k and have a good couple of years to save for it.
Anonymous
A couple of suggestions, the first is to find out now if the bank will raise the credit limit on your credit card. The second is to ask if you are in a region where you can add solar and if there are rebates or tax credits available if you do.
anon a mouse
Refinancing the house will amortize the debt over the life of the mortgage — it will cost you less month to month but you will pay significantly more over the long run. A HELOC will have higher interest rates and a shorter payback term, so you will pay more per month. If you already have a low mortgage rate you may have to trade for a slightly higher one in a refi. Both of these will be limited by the amount of equity in your house (usually you cannot borrow more than 80-90% total) so you will have to pay for appraisals as a part of the underwriting.
Some of it depends on how quickly you think you can pay it back, too. You can do a 0% credit card for 12-18 months if you think you could swing that — it’s the cheapest, but you have to read the terms and conditions carefully or you will end up owing interest if you don’t pay it off before the intro period ends. You could also finance through the roofer but they will charge more interest. Bottom line, get some estimates, run the numbers, and look at your cash flow.
Bonnie Kate
When we had to do it, we refinanced and pulled some equity out. We wanted to do a refinance anyway to get a lower rate, and we also refinanced to a shorter term at the same time.
+1 to multiple quotes. It’s a total pain to get multiple quotes from contractors who are busy, but was worth it to us. Although the contractor who we picked did a great job but was a totally a$$h@% in the end, so that story has mixed results. It was wild how much the new roof updated the look of the house and also soundproofed it – I went from HATING the siding to being okay with it.
Anon
I think a lot of people use home equity lines of credit for this. Then when you refinance, roll the LOC into your mortgage.
Ideally you’d have cash on hand for everything, but realistically this is how many many people make it work.
Anon
You nailed it – most people use HELOC or refi funds. I don’t think it’s prudent, unless you have every other financial end in your life (emergency fund, retirement, college savings) completely covered to spend down a lot of cash on home repairs. That goes double if it will deplete your cash-on-hand to the point that it would be worrisome for you. I read on here a long time ago regarding the emergency fund vs. paying-off-debt tension that “your kids can’t eat paid-off loans if you lose your job” and have remembered that every time I’ve wanted to deplete our cash to pay for something so we wouldn’t have debt. In our case, every time we’ve done a HELOC we were able to throw money at it until it was paid off in under a year. We have a major renovation coming for our master bathroom – it has not been remodeled since the house was built in 1989 – and I know we will end up paying part cash, and then financing the rest through a HELOC. At the stage we’re at (husband retiring in 12 years; son going to college in 3) it’s not smart for us to take money out of savings to pay the whole thing. As my dad says, let the house’s equity do some work in this project.
Tea Help
I’m trying to switch from coffee to tea, but still need caffeine. This morning I did English Breakfast Tea with some heavy cream and it was…drinkable. Any other suggestions on how to jazz up caffeinated tea (without adding sugar) or different tea blends I should check out? I like a good chai latte or masala tea, but don’t want to introduce that much sugar into my morning routine.
Anonymous
You can make chai without sugar! Since you are new to the world of tea, you can literally just buy tea bags labeled chai and make it and add milk. Heavy cream normally isn’t done for tea.
anon
I think tea is better with milk than with cream, so you might try that switch. Also, I like something with more of a “roasty” flavor than tea has on its own, something like Celestial Seasoning’s Morning Thunder. It doesn’t taste like coffee but scratches a similar itch for me.
Anonny
I agree – heavy cream feels too fatty for tea. Milk had always been my favorite. Why not try a flavored black tea? I LOVE this one, a Yorkshire “Biscuit” tea: https://www.amazon.com/Yorkshire-Tea-Biscuit-Brew-Bags/dp/B07BWDLPMT
Cat
Apparently this is horrifying to Brits? but we don’t use any milk, sugar, cream etc in our tea. Try out some different blends and see what you like! English Breakfast doesn’t have a great mouthfeel to me (it feels like the dregs of a bottle of wine?) but I like Earl Grey…
Anonymous
What you’re pointing out is the tanins in the tea which is why English Breakfast is customarily served with milk.
Anon
Oh interesting! My favorite teas are Irish breakfast, earl grey, and English breakfast and I always drink my tea without cream/milk or sugar. I guess I just like that taste!
Cat
ha, that would explain why I don’t like it straight! Thank you for explaining, honestly. I’ll stick with teas that don’t have that effect without add-ins :)
just a potato
Irish Breakfast, Oolong, Lady Grey. Agree with milk vs cream. Honey or raw sugar might also work better.
anne-on
This – lady julia grey with milk is a fave, Irish Breakfast a second favorite (cream is too rich in tea for my taste and I drink my coffee VERY light with half and half).
IL
You just described the tea cupboard in my kitchen! Teas labeled as “Breakfast” teas are my favorite and incidentally have about the same caffeine as a half cup of coffee. And yes – highly recommend milk over any other dairy products. Another option is oat milk, which might give you some of the flavor you are missing.
I also like lemon in my tea – but not with milk! Just add a healthy squeeze of lemon and your preferred sweetener. Another option is iced tea, which you may find easier to stomach. Apparently the tannins bind to the caffeine when the tea is cooled by the ice or refrigerator.
Cb
Try earl grey and some of the flavored black teas. Add a slice of lemon, etc.
Anonymous
Yes to this, without sugar/honey/milk.
Anon
I wouldn’t rule out non-caloric sweeteners if you haven’t tried them in a while. Some of the new monkfruit blends are pretty good in tea. (If you don’t want to have something sweet in the morning, that’s different! But I don’t really enjoy tea without sweetener. I drink coffee black, I’ll drink unsweetened cocoa, I like my wine as dry as possible. But unsweetened tea makes me pucker.)
Anon
I’m not sure what your issue with sugar is but you can add small amounts of sugar to tea and get a big impact. I drink earl grey, steeped only two minutes, with one teaspoon or less of sugar. That’s 16 calories. It’s not like drinking a can of coke or a Starbucks iced coffee with pump after pump of high fructose sweetener.
Anon
I use about 1/2 teaspoon of sugar in a large mug of tea. Doesn’t really sweeten it but takes the edge off.
Anonymous
I guess it depends on taste, I find tea with half a teaspoon of sugar sickly sweet! I can do a little honey, for medicinal tea, but have to remind myself «good for a cough» to get it down. :)
Anonymous
I like evaporated milk in my tea – it’s not sweetened condensed milk, it’s just … thick, regular milk. Carnation sells it in the baking aisle.
Anonymous
Curious — why are you switching away from coffee?
Anonymous
Try using Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Gold black tea bags. Drink black or with a little milk not cream.
Bummed
Posted yesterday about waiting to hear back on a house we wanted. We’ve been looking for over a year and this was perfect, in exactly the neighborhood and location we wanted. Found out today we didn’t get it (and lost narrowly, which stings more).
Anyone have happy stories about not getting a house they desperately wanted and then finding an even better one?
Anon
Yes! We loved a house that only needed a bit of bathroom renovation, and put in a bid the day we left for a long, much-anticipated vacation. Got word we lost it, ruined the vacation.
About 8 months later, we found our current house, with a gorgeous bathroom (skylights! corner Jacuzzi tub with panoramic windows!) and no renovations needed.
That other house is now next door to a daycare. SO glad we lost it!
No Problem
Yup! I recently bought my first house. It was the 5th house I put an offer on. I would say that 3 of the other 4 I really wanted (the 4th I liked a lot but wasn’t super bummed to have lost). But then I toured my house! And it was amazing! And so much better than the others I had put offers on! And I put in a really good bid and wrote the sellers a letter about how great the house was and why I wanted it and I got it.
Tea/Coffee
Yes!
We put in an offer on an okay house in a great neighborhood… it needed work but DH and i are handy and we made a really lowball offer (see: house needs work). We felt confident bc it has been on the market for like a year at that point. They turned us down flat and we were SO SAD but finally agreed to see another house in the next neighborhood that i had ruled out repeatedly based on the photos
Well the photos sucked bc the house is great and the yard situation is amazing (so key for the past two years) and that is now our current house. We are so glad that we didn’t get the first house!!
Good luck, house hunting is so stressful
Vivaia shoes anyone?
Has anyone tried Vivaia shoes? They seem to be knit sustainable shoes like Rothy but they have some low heeled options. Perhaps I’m #influenced but I’m interested in trying them.
anonyforthisy
These are way cuter than Rothys, imo. Lots more options. No experience with them but thinking about trying a pair – thanks for the tip!
Deedee
What do we wear to weddings? I can’t wrap my head around getting dressed formally again! If any of you have the desire to shop, I welcome your thoughts & suggestions.
My FIL is getting remarried late Sept in New England. Small church ceremony & ~20 person dinner. My dress from his last wedding…2 years ago, summertime, different partner (long story)…obviously won’t do. I’d love a jumpsuit (got married in pants myself) or midi-length dress. I’m 5’8″ (usually need tall sizes), relatively slim, soft autumn/warm blonde coloring. I often need tall sizes and look horrific in ruffles and many bright colors. Everything I’ve browsed so far either has ruffles (barf) or is otherwise uninspiring. As a longtime NE resident, I’m also wary of variably Sept. weather, which isn’t helping me.
Have you seen anything great lately? Any suggestions or leads on stores much appreciated!
anon
I am attending a wedding in late August and decide to just get a suit for it. I’ve gained weight and need a new one anyway, so I got something that I hope will read a little “festive” with the right shirt under it (it’s a medium grey). I’m planning to wear it with Oxfords. I just want to be comfortable, and didn’t feel like trying to figure out what was stylish and flattering and then buying something I’d wear just a single time. Plus new shoes.
Anonymous
That doesn’t sound festive or appropriate at all
Cat
yeah unless you’re going for the intentionally “woman in a tux” look, literally wearing an office suit to a wedding is not a celebratory look. I’d instead buy a sheath + jacket suit look in black or navy, and then dress up the sheath with sparkles.
MechanicalKeyboard
If it would be appropriate for a man to wear a suit then it’s appropriate for a woman to wear one.
Anonymous
No, men have fewer levels of formality than women. For men social and business formal are the same. Not so for women. If you want to make a statement against this social norm, you have to go big with the woman-in-a-tux look or similar. If you wear a normal drab suit you will just look and feel clueless.
Anon
I’m with MechanicalKeyboard here. If a woman doesn’t want to abide by those standards, she doesn’t have to. She also doesn’t have to be feminine lady in a tux wink wink. If her look is masculine or severe or strict, that can be her look for a wedding too. It’s not like she’s showing up naked.
“Women need to wear dresses and be feminine” is the full-on patriarchy. If she WANTS to wear a dress and be feminine, that’s her choice, but it’s not mandatory.
Anon
Hey now, I’m not the poster you’re reasoning to, but not every woman has a feminine style.
Anonymous
I once wore a skirt suit to a daytime wedding. It was a tan fabric of a golden hue with an interesting collar and I wore a silky brown tank underneath, gold jewelry, and fun shoes that were kind of an ombre ending in a gold toe. I got a lot of compliments from both men and women (Biglaw attorneys and staff), mostly about how perfectly appropriate and chic my outfit was.
Anon
Women do not need to wear a skirt to be festive but there is a world of difference between an office suit and a festive suit. By all means, wear pants if you want but Tilda Swinton at Cannes is vastly different than a suit a lawyer would wear to court and pretending otherwise is just silly.
OP – Unless you want to be perceived as making a negative statement about your FIL’s wedding, I suggest something less severe than a black or navy sheath dress. The level of sparkle necessary to make that festive is too much for a small church wedding. If you want something you can wear again, a black or navy wrap dress would be fine, although I would personally stay away from plain black at a mid-afternoon wedding in New England, especially for a family member. I searched the Macy’s website for midi dresses and there are several options that would work – with tights and a wrap if cooler and without if you hit an early fall heatwave. A jumpsuit could certainly work but most of the ones I have seen are either too casual or too dressy for the occasion (although OMG some of those wide leg black jumpsuits out there have me seriously drooling).
Anon
@deedee whatever you wear, make sure it’s the opposite of this.
Anon
Having recently had to shop for work events and a wedding, and realizing that the mall is entirely stay-at-home clothes, I’ve had good luck with Poshmark. I went to a wedding this past weekend and wore the J.Crew 365 crepe 3/4 sleeve wrap dress, which I bought on there and also came in tall back when it was new.
anon
Have you looked at Boden? They’ve had a lot of midis in stock. Or maybe that BR jumpsuit that everyone loves, dressed up with shoes and a sparkly necklace.
And I hear you on the ruffles. Enough already!
Anonny
I agree with Boden – lots of options that are longer and with sleeves.
Anon
Fellow tall (slim before pregnancy) with a similar complexion. I love Eliza J for this.
anne-on
I’d go to BHLDN – they have a ‘guest’ section with lots of different options for formality/length:
https://www.bhldn.com/categories/occasion-dresses-view-all-wedding-guest-dresses
NYCer
Reformation has some pretty long/midi dresses without ruffles that are wedding guest appropriate. You could add a wrap for the church ceremony.
Anonymous
Honest question–how does anyone actually wear a Reformation dress? There is not a single one that would work with a br@! Do people just not wear br@s?
Anonymous
I mostly don’t now except at work and at the gym. Perky C cup, though at 47, I am ready if that changes.
Digby
As anon at 12:14 said, the BR jumpsuit could be a good option. Or pugsnbourbon linked to a couple of great jumpsuits in yesterday’s main post, I think.
Anonymous
Does anyone have gift ideas to congratulate a close friend on a new job?
Anonymous
I always do flowers. Festive, luxurious, and ephemeral.
Anon
My favorite thing to get!
Curious
Flowers, houseware from Anthropologie, take them to dinner, send them a meal.
Senior Attorney
Or champagne!
Anon
Celebratory happy hour!
Anonymous
Bubbly and a card. If a friend was sober, flowers.
Anon
Definitely bubbly if you know she drinks. Send flowers if you’re not going to see her in person, but my preferred “sending flowers” gift is actually a houseplant.
Anon
I love the midi silk slip skirt look and have been wanting to buy one for a while. The thing is though, it’s too fancy for my real life, so the only place I’d wear it is work. For some reason I feel like it’s too fancy for my office, but only because I’ve never seen anyone wear anything like that. Can anyone comment?
Anonymous
It’s not too fancy for the office, it’s too slinky.
anon
Agreed. It is not an office vibe or look. I think it would look really odd in that context.
Cat
+1, it’s meant for day drinking, not work
Anon
Agree. This is about the farthest thing from a work look possible. It’s supposed to look like a slip. The look is intentionally underdressed to undressed, fun, casual. Don’t wear this to work.
Anon
I wear these frequently. Dinner and brunch. I usually pair them with a t-shirt and white sneakers, so way closer to casual than fancy.
Anon
+1 – I’d also wear that to my casual office w a denim jacket
anon
In your jobs, do you ever get sick and tired of dealing with people’s egos? Particularly men’s egos? I just received what I’d call a nasty, blistering email from someone I’M TRYING TO HELP. I don’t know what more information to provide him to soothe his anxieties. I’m not the only person he treats poorly but come on, man. It’s stuff like this that makes me want to rage-quit.
just a potato
There’s this one Newish Guy in Nearby Department that is a colossal PITA. His emails are soooo aggressive and dismissive.
Tea/Coffee
Same girl, same. Except mine is Not-So-New and should know better! And my work product depends on his work product! Grrrrr
I have found over the past two years that most people have either become way better to deal with our way worse. Not sure if it’s them, or me.
pugsnbourbon
Oh 100% with you on being sick of dude’s egos. I’m dealing with a group right now and they are unbelievably snitty. It’s so frustrating.
anon
Ugh, yes, so much this. I’m trying to give people grace, because I think everyone is at the very end of their ability to cope right now, but it’s BS anyway.
Anon
My company deals with construction and oil & gas. I basically despise the entire male gender at this point.
Anon
Preach.
Aunt Jamesina
People like this move as far down as I can possibly move them on my priority list. If you’re going to be an a$$hole, I’m not going to light myself on fire for you.
Anonymous
Yep. See my post above about “Joe.”
Anon for This
Every single day for a year but in my case it was a woman (a really, really insecure, unpleasant woman who got her job by sleeping with the boss). And I finally quit. There is no fixing it. Your choices are to live with it or leave.
just a potato
Any experiences with high ankle sprains/other ankle issues that aren’t your typical outside/low ankle sprain? I’m in a boot right now and trying to steel myself for what might be coming* :(
*apparently “that one weird thing where my ankle falls over” is NOT supposed to happen and might mean I have to get the little creep repaired.
Anonymous
My advice is to be very choosy about your PT. I have had the best results with the PT practice affiliated with our local university’s PT school, which is focused on sports performance and treats the university’s D1 athletes.
Sunshine
I tore two ligaments in my ankle 20 years ago (when I was 20 years old), and had surgry. I think I was on crutches for a couple of weeks and then did some PT. It wasn’t a big deal except in so far as crutches are a PITA. I have absolutely zero problems today with the ankle now. I wonder if doing the surgery when I was young helped a lot with the long-term outcome.
Anonymous
I am you, and trying to figure out whether to get surgery. I am getting a second opinion because the first doc was a bit too nonchalant. Is there a thing where podiatrists have to be jerks? I am two for two.
Anon
The thing I enjoyed most about WFH during the pandemic was definitely access to my kitchen for fresh food. Lots of slicing up lemons, limes, avocados and things like that. Now that I’m at the office again, I’m wondering how much food prep at work is reasonable? Could I bring a little cutting board, knife, and limes, lemons, etc to slice up as needed? Or is that super weird. My office has a nice kitchen but I also have a private office and could do it there.
just a potato
Weird.
Bring an insulated lunch box and a ice pack with slices in it.
Nan
Meh, I think it’s a know your office thing. I would find it weird but not off-putting necessarily – just quirky and eccentric.
Anonymous
+ 1 to weird.
Anon
I’m sorry that would be pretty weird unless a lot of coworkers prep lunch there. Just bring a thermos of pre-sliced from home, put in shared fridge, and replace every few days.
Anonymous
I like fresh food too but I do my prepping the night before and bring it in my office in containers. If I am on my game, I prep for a few days in advance to minimize the schlepping. I think this is a know your office kind of thing…
Anonymous
Super weird. Bring a baggie of cut up lemons and limes at the start of the week and leave it in the fridge.
anon
Super weird, and a massive pain. Do your food prep at home.
anon
I used to do this, and probably will again when I go back to an office. I wouldn’t do more extensive food prep (like, slicing and dicing the ingredients for an entire salad), but cutting up limes/lemons, or cutting open an avocado to eat for lunch does not seem strange to me.
Senior Attorney
Agree. I think it’s weird to think this is weird. ;)
Curious
+1. I do basic slicing, scooping, etc at work all the time.
Anonymous
+1 I would often make avocado toast for lunch in the before times. I’d put my bread in the toaster and then cut the avocado while it toasted. I’m not going to have a sad brown avocado because someone thinks 45 seconds of in-office vegetable/fruit slicing is weird.
emeralds
+1, I’ve done stuff like this in every office I’ve worked in.
Anon
+1
Maybe because I’ve worked in offices with full kitchens, but this is not weird to me at all.
Anon
I think that slicing would be fine, but a cutting board is weird. I usually pack in Tupperware and just slice on the lid of the container. I usually just slice before I pack my lunch though.
Cat
I agree with this take. Doing small things like this is fine but having actual kitchen equipment in your office takes it to the next level.
Annony
Don’t listen to the haters … not weird at all! I keep (kept) a small cutting board and plastic paring knife at my desk for just these occasions. Slicing up fruit, an avocado for some toast, etc. … just clean up after yourself, of course, don’t hog counter space and keep it simple. Start a trend!
NYCer
+1. This is not weird at all! Go for it.
Anon
Counterpoint, in my SF office,people did this all the time. Too much effort for me personally, but I don’t think it’s weird.
Bonnie Kate
I don’t think it’s weird, especially if you do it in the kitchen. Isn’t that what a kitchen is for?
And if you do it in your office, I’m just going to think it’s a little quirky but cool and want to do it it too.
I would get a more stylish cutting board than just a basic white one, but that’s me and my obsession with cute cutting boards.
Anon
If you can do it in the shared kitchen it’s not weird. I wouldn’t do it in your office.
I kept a little cutting board and picnic knife in my last office because I liked a sliced apple. But I did the work in the kitchen because of cleanup. No one wants sticky apple residue and a dirty knife in an office.
Anon
If you can do it in the shared kitchen it’s not weird. I wouldn’t do it in your office.
I kept a little cutting board and picnic knife in my last office because I liked a sliced apple. But I did the work in the kitchen because of cleanup. No one wants sticky apple residue and a dirty knife in an office.
Coach Laura
I would preslice lemons and limes. I hate brown avocado so I have cut avocados at work and have seen others do that too. I don’t always use a cutting board – I use paper plates as a cutting surface.
Anon for this
Finance question: I fully fund my 401(K) and have 529s set up for my children. I also recently started a brokerage account with Schwab, and have put a small amount of money (less than $10L) in index funds. Is there anything else I should be doing in terms of investing? Should I just keep adding to the index fund pot or diversify in some other way? Divorced, late 30s, with two kids if it helps.
anon
Index fund pot. You might look at different index funds (e.g., if you’re invested in the S&P 500, try a foreign equity fund or a bond fund).
Anon
I’ve used my non 401k after-tax savings to invest in individual companies and it’s been fun and has done better than my 401k index funds. I’m really a cautious buyer so I’m not taking crazy bets. I also have some of it in a gold fund as a volatility hedge.
Anon
Seeking dating advice from strangers because I am too in my head to be objective and my friends aren’t objective either. If a guy asked you to go on a road trip this weekend after only having one date, and your response is feeling overwhelmed and flighty and suffocated, chances are you are not into that guy right? I’m wrestling with calling the whole thing off vs. saying no to the road trip but doing a second date to give him a chance? Or is the fact that the second date would be “giving him a chance” as opposed to me being excited to see him again a sign that I am just not into him? Our first date was okay but I wasn’t attracted to him until I was drunk, but he is doing everything right and is super kind and clearly into me. I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to waste his time. HALP!
anon
I 100% would not go on a road trip with someone I had been on one date with unless it was the World’s Most Amazing Date and you spent 8 hours talking and walking the streets of your city falling ever more in love. I think it’s possible to really like someone and not want your second date to be a road trip.
That being said, everything you’ve said here suggests that you not only shouldn’t go on a road trip with him, you shouldn’t see him again.
Daffodil
+1. Do not do a road trip with this guy (especially if it’s overnight, but also if only a day trip).
Based on your post, it also doesn’t sound like you’re all that into him. I wouldn’t waste my time on any second date. But, if you think you could hit it off on a second date, just plan something quick – happy hour, coffee. Not dinner. And definitely not a full day or multi day thing.
Cat
Whether or not you really liked the guy sober, going straight from first date drinks to a road trip is… kind of a lot, unless by “road trip” it’s like, there’s a cute town an hour away, want to road trip for lunch kind of thing…
Anonymous
Nah nah it’s super weird to suggest a weekend long road trip as a second date. Run.
Hmmm
Don’t do the road trip. Go on a second date and see how you feel. It’s too early to know either way IMO.
anon
It’s weird, and you’re not attracted to him. No, do not do this.
Anon
+1
anon
This is way too much for a second date with someone who you have to talk yourself into liking. Go on a less intense second date if you really want to give him another chance. Also focus on how you feel about him vs. how he feels about you.
Monday
By “doing everything right” you probably just mean he’s showing basic manners and respect. I know that’s far from a given with men, but really it’s table stakes to even be talking to you at all. He’s not “doing everything right” if it feels pushy or too much. I’d also be put off by a road trip as second date, but moreover it sounds like you’re not interested. So that’s that!
Anonymous
I would be really creeped out if a guy I’d been out with once wanted me to go on a road trip with him. Sounds like the beginning of one of those trashy true-life mystery shows on broadcast TV.
Senior Attorney
This doesn’t sound like a good idea, or even safe. Thumbs down from here!
Anon
Your reaction is justified, that is some Ted Bundy nonsense.
Anon
+1 Scary men act super into you and ask for a lot of commitment and trust up front. This is not safe. A good guy who was just into you would understand that this is a weird thing to ask.
Anon
I fell in love with my husband an hour after meeting but would not have been into a road trip with him as date #2. Do three NORMAL dates before deciding if it’s right or not. That’s not so long that you’re wasting his time or stringing him along, but is long enough to determine if there’s chemistry.
Anon
Same, my husband and I moved SUPER fast but an (overnight??) road trip on a second date is a lot.
anon
I’m the type of person who would absolutely do this . . . with someone I had a really amazing first date with and who I had extensively researched. This is not that guy for you.
Politely say no thank you, thank him for his time on the first date, and tell him that you do not want to see him again as it’s not the right fit for you.
Anon
OP here – thanks everyone for the helpful comments, I needed to hear them. I am totally the type of person who would do this IF the first date was amazing and I was super into the guy, so I think the fact that my reaction is so strongly a “no” to the ask is a sign from myself that I need to listen to. I’m not into this guy and that’s okay and I do not owe him anything just because he is into me/nice to me.
Anonymous
Feeling overwhelmed by the ask is normal and you shouldn’t go. But why not give him a second chance? I hate that so often you get advice here that if a man makes a misstep of any kind in the dating process the ideal response is to run while crying out that he is creepy creepy. I also hate the advice that if you are on the fence after one date, you should just go back to the apps full of random men and start scrolling rather than giving him a second shot. Maybe he is creepy, and this was definitely a miscalculation, but why not try a second date to see if he will grow on you? Personally, I am in a two-year relationship with someone who took months to grow on me. In the middle of those months, I met two people I was immediately attracted to and considered dating them instead. In the end, I kept both of those other men in the friend zone and boy, now that I know them, realize we are totally relationship incompatible. I can’t hang with one of them alone for more than about 20 minutes without getting super bored. (I find conversation with my BF to be endlessly interesting and entertaining.) The other has a bazillion hang-ups, strange morals/values that don’t closely align with my own, and kids I don’t want to help raise. I am so glad I let my BF grow on me and that he did the same for me.
Anonymous
I see you’ve now said you see other areas in which he misses social cues, which changes the calculus a bit, but I still think people here are too quick to advise others to skip a second (or third) date.
anon
Yeah, hard no on that. I barely know you, why would I want to be trapped in a car with you for x hours? I’ve had two people suggest similar things to me during my dating years. One was an objectively super super weird dude who made my internal alarm bells scream on our first date. The other was, more like your guy, a super nice, polite, guy who I just wasn’t that into…I declined the long date, went on a few others….and 8 (?) years later he still writes me random one line emails just to poke and see if I’ve realized what I missed when I declined to continue dating him. I’ve realized that even though he was polite and kind, there’s some major social skills lacking, and I’m so glad I didn’t talk myself into him….his lack of awareness that asking a girl you barely know on a roadtrip is likely to make her uncomfortable was a sign of that. Note that when I met my husband, I was just so happy to hang out with him, and dates tended to mutually unfold – we’d meet for ice cream, then decided to take a walk, then he would ask if I wanted to join him at a planned meetup with friends (and he’d kindly introduce me to his friends, and let me meet them!), then he’d ask if we should duck out and go grab some dinner… So many moments when I could a) end the date if I wanted to, and b) we decided together what to do.
Anon
I’m OP – this is INCREDIBLY helpful and now that I’ve read this I’m seeing some other red flags that there are definitely some social skills missing with this guy, apart from the huge red flag of asking me on this road trip after only meeting once without thinking that would make me uncomfortable (like looking me up and following me on Instagram and watching my stories after I stopped responding to his messages because I got bored, and the fact that he asked me on this road trip today when I only yesterday agreed to a second date but pushed it to Wednesday because I need space…). Feeling like I’m dodging a bullet now.
anon
Girl, yes, you are not dodging a bullet, you’re dodging a cannon ball.
Anon
My initial feelings about guys were usually the right ones. If I got the yuck after a first date, there would be no second date. I certainly would not go on a road trip with someone I barely knew and wasn’t even sure I liked.
Anon
Literally the only people this worked for were Harry and Meghan (they went camping in Africa like five minutes after meeting each other).
Senior Attorney
And also? Ted Baker why do you have to have your own special sizes that I can never figure out? I like this blouse but the special sizes are TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Senior Attorney
And you kids? Get off my lawn!!
Anonymous
Hear hear!
Anon
I love this blouse and I was looking for a comment where someone was going to buy it because it is not in the budget for me right now!
Cat
ha I agree! I wish Ted Baker would take Coco’s advice and remove one thing before leaving the house, though. I love a lot of the prints the label uses but the twee goes one step too far. Like here – if the blouse just had a grosgrain vneck, great, but it has to be a high-necked bow on top of the bow print. Sigh. Good for my wallet at least.
Anonymous
+ 1, they had a teal blouse with a perfect pattern, but the design was so fussy!
Anon
Ted Baker is the Ben & Jerry’s of blouses. There’s just too much isht packed in there.
Anon
I mean, Ted Baker is known for their prints. It’s not the brand I’d go to for a plain solid color blouse.
This blouse didn’t overdo it for me. I probably would wear ties as a low knot rather than a high bow, but I’d do that with any bow blouse.
I don’t wear a lot of black anymore (I’m a navy blue person now) but this would have been a good way to lighten up a black suit back in the day. Like for a big meeting or presentation, again with the ties in a knot lower down.