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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
When I’m looking to upgrade wardrobe basics, Brooks Brothers is one of my go-tos. This silk tee is a gorgeous piece that would look perfectly put-together on its own or paired with a jacket or cardigan. It comes in black and white, which are obvious basics, but also a beautiful light blue, which I find to be surprisingly versatile. Do note that the care tag says “dry clean,” and while I’d probably stick to that for the first few cleanings, I’d probably summon my courage to attempt hand-washing it or tossing it in the washer on the delicates cycle after a while. (We’ve discussed the difference between “dry clean” and “dry clean only” in previous posts! https://corporette.com/dry-clean-only/)
The top is $228 at Brooks Brothers and comes in sizes 0-16.
Hunting for other silk t-shirts? Some of our favorites include Quince, LilySilk and Cuyana.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Paging Stain-Removing Guru
I was refreshing shoes with deo shoe spray and ended up with a stain on my lightblue nubuck shoes [the nozzle was too close to the shoe and drenched the material in one spot]. I tried cleaning the stain using nubuck cleaner [Saphir] and while it cleaned the shoes overall, the stain is still there. Are they doomed?
Anonymous
I would take it to a shoe repair shop to see if a professional can help.
Anon
Best loafers for triangular feet with a high arch? Not choosy about sole style or cost if they truly fit. Have tried a bunch lately that are too narrow for the ball of my foot. Will likely wear with no-show socks but would prefer if they didn’t lead to blisters if worn barefoot (or shred tights in the winter). Thanks!
Anon
If price is no object, take a look at Rancourt.
https://www.rancourtandcompany.com/collections/all/mens?pf_t_style=loafers&pf_t_style=penny-loafers
Anon
I get they feel good on your feet but these read way too casual. I’m thinking of something I could wear with a suit as an alternative to pumps and flats. Like “formal loafers,” if that is a thing. Something that would come in black leather with a shine.
Anon
You’ll have better luck shopping mens’ brands if your feet are large enough. I like Allen Edmonds.
pugsnbourbon
It’s the round moc toe. Honestly check out Hush Puppies – I don’t have the same feet you do but I like the amount of support I get in them.
Here’s a point-toe loafer: https://www.hushpuppies.com/US/en/hazel-pointe-flat/50778W.html?dwvar_50778W_color=HW06810-601
Scilady
Have you looked at oxfords? I have two pairs that I feel more comfortable wearing in dressier environments when I don’t want to wear heels.
ELS
Co-sign. I have triangular feet with a high arch and just got a pair of oxfords from Cole Haan. Typically their shoes don’t work for me because they’re too narrow, but these fit like a dream. I do wear no-show socks with them, but they’re super comfortable, and despite having a dress sole, they have quite a bit of padding.
Nesprin
Ditto- My cole haan oxfords fit good insoles for my fallen arches. I bought from the men’s side to get a wider option, and they’re gorgeous.
Anon
I wish I could like Oxfords but I hate them. It seems costume-y / cosplay (to me) and would definitely not look natural for me to wear (and yet I wear DocMartens, so I can do a laced flat shoe, but apparently it has to be a boot).
Anon
IMO dainty shoe laces never stay tied, which is probably why I am trying to join Team Loafer vs Team Oxford.
Anonymous
Cole Haan, Jack Rogers, Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman fit my duck shaped feet.
Anonymous
Look at Vionics
Anon
Check what Paul Green has. They’re the best shoes for my similar feet.
Anon
I’m not an economist or person doing a finance thesis, but on my feeds, I see a lot of used items at something like 75% of current retail (me: why not wait for a sale? At least you can try on and return easily from a store). Or things are cheap (10-25) plus you pay for shipping. The second way makes much more sense (so I should do this for my planned closet purge of things that don’t fit by a size or two?) but the first bunch has to go through the hassle of making listings and monitoring. Doomed to fail and don’t be so greeds? Or do people successfully do this and I just dont see the bargaining that eventually gets stuff sold.
I may just give up and donate but it’s mainly workwear so not sure there is much local demand.
Anonymous
Is the question you’re asking, “I am thinking of selling my used clothing online. How do I price it?” Personally, unless I’m specifically looking for that exact item and can’t find it elsewhere, I wouldn’t pay $75 used (not NWT) for an item I could buy new for $100.
But I also personally wouldn’t bother dealing with selling my used clothing items; I simply don’t have the patience for the process.
Anne-on
This. I will sort out my used business clothes and donate them to our local community college’s ‘interview closet’ and set aside the kids stuff for family to take but everything else just gets donated to Goodwill.
This is also why I rarely do poshmark – I can generally find better deals on clothes by waiting for periodic sales (for business attire) and kids clothing prices online are bonkers – I’ve learned I’m better off waiting for the gap 40% off plus 10% off for cardholders sales.
ALT
I’m assuming you’re taking about sites like Poshmark? I use Poshmark for finding items I have in bigger sizes or for getting high quality items for much less than retail. I’ve gotten brand new (not current season but never worn) Cole Haan heels for $20, NWT J Crew work dresses for $15…it’s much less than buying on sale. Or I’ve found dresses that I love but no longer fit into in my new size so I can still wear them. I occasionally list on Poshmark but it IS time consuming so I usually just shop.
Anonymous
What is the mystery? People overvalue used clothes all the time. Sometimes they sell often not. Selling off a closet purge will probably net you some cash at the expense of a lot of time and effort.
AIMS
Not just clothes. I sometimes look for used furniture and at least in the NY area, I come away thinking most people are just nuts if they think someone that much for a used couch or a particle board dresser. My theory is people must have the space to not be in any kind of rush to actually sell and they overvalue to justify buying things in the first place. I have a friend like this. She always talks about items as an investment whether they have any resale value or not.
anon
Agree with the not-just-clothes take. A friend just listed her used baby grand piano for $5,000 and all I can think of is that she will be lucky to find anyone who even wants it for free and is willing to hire movers to retrieve it. Outside of used cars, there isn’t necessarily a market for used goods like people think there is.
Seventh Sister
Yeah, my parents were lucky to get a few hundred dollars for a concert grand Steinway when my grandmother sold her house. There are some people (my MIL) who think that any used item is worth at least what they paid for it, plus appreciation! MIL has sets and sets of china that she thinks are an actual gold mine, and with the exception of a few older pieces, I doubt it has any value.
Anon
With china, I heard it’s actually losing value because the younger generations don’t use it as much. I would have no need for a fancy dish set.
Anon
I’m crying about the Steinway over here.
Seventh Sister
I suspect some of her flowery stuff (Portmerion etc.) might go at a yard sale because of cottagecore, but her 80s-style Wedgwood is decidedly out of fashion and looks like something out of American Psycho.
Anon
I join the other anon crying about the Steinway.
Nesprin
I mean, piano movers are so so expensive. The buyer probably spent more on moving than on the actual piano.
Seventh Sister
If it makes anyone feel any better, the concert grand Steinway was an unpopular color (sort of a dull brown) and had lived on the ground floor of a not-well-maintained house in Seattle since the 1970s. My grandmother was a Depression-era conservatory student turned kids’ piano teacher, and I doubt she got it tuned very often after her bff passed away in the mid-90s. I’m not entirely sure how they got it out of the room – the house was built on the side of a hill and there were a bunch of overgrown paths up to street level.
Trish
The best way to get rid of furnature is through a Next Door or Facebook curb alert! Drag that old dresser outside and someone who needs it will get it!
Anonymous
The best way to get rid of furnature is through a Next Door or Facebook curb alert! Drag that old dresser outside and someone who needs it will get it!
anon
The way this post is worded is very confusing
anon
+1
Anon
Tbh sometimes I spend a shocking amount on used items (clothing and furniture mostly) because I place a premium on reuse. Similarly, I’ve given away like-new very large dollar items on my local buy-nothing FB group bc I want the item to be used more than I want to recoup cash.
The amount of waste in the economy and esp clothing industry is staggering. I hope by acting in this manner, I’m making some positive impact
Anon
I get that with furniture (IMO the wood furniture quality is better used), but you can measure a dresser or other item and it’s not like it’s not going to work for you. Clothes though . . . such an expensive way to try on non-fitting clothing.
Anon
This is true. I tend to stick to brands I’m already familiar with for this reason. The realreal and Thredup do a good job providing measurements of the actual clothing
Anon
Both Poshmark and eBay sellers may be pricing high and planning to discount. As a sometimes seller (mostly buyer), I often “like/watch” items and almost immediately get a 10% or more off offer.
Seventh Sister
My dad tried selling some used stuff he didn’t really need anymore (e.g., a power washer) on his town’s message board and he said that even when he priced something very low, people always asked for a discount.
Anon
If there’s a question in there (“why do people price their used stuff at 75% of the new price?”), the answer is – because they aren’t rational. You’re talking about individual sellers, who aren’t out there doing a market analysis, whose way of setting a price is either “Well, I bet folks would like a 25% discount” or “I need to recoup most of the costs of purchasing because I’m outside of the return window.”
Consignment shops – which have to pay out part of the sale price to the original owner – usually charge about 40% of retail or less.
Anon
Go to Mercari and search for your items, filter by “sold”. That’s your price.
Anonymous
I am willing to pay 75 percent of retail for some clothes items. If I want a duplicate of an item I love and it’s no longer available in store, I’ll happily pay 75 percent for lightly used. Same I guess for same item, different size. But not for an unknown item.
For my own clothes, I donate them. I don’t have the patience, inclination, time or storage to handle selling items.
Trish
Just do Thread up. They will price and sell and, if you are lucky, you will make a few bucks and know that someone who wanted your clothes got them.
Lawyer
Can anyone recommend a legal recruiter in Boston for a litigator looking to make a change? Thank you!
Anonymous
Jason McCann, gridlinesearch.com
Nail Color?
Very low stakes question: I have a Zoom interview tomorrow and my nails are currently bright purple. Should I repaint? Job is for financial planning, so not very stuffy but also not “creative”.
Anon
I don’t think this is a big issue. If you don’t mind changing it, then I would but if you just got then done, I’d just rock them. No one will notice over zoom.
Anonymous
Obviously not. Come on.
Clementine
I wouldn’t think twice and would just leave them. It’s summer, they don’t have like ‘hate’ and ‘die’ written on them, you’re fine.
pugsnbourbon
But if you DID, that would be metal as hell.
Walnut
I’ve been on about 75 zoom interviews year to date and I don’t think I’ve noticed a single nail polish color.
Nail Color?
Thanks all! I tend to talk with my hands, so wasn’t sure if it would be okay to have bright fun nails. On one hand I wouldn’t want to work for a firm where they care about nail color, on the other I rarely have them done and this was for vacation so it’s not normal for me.
Anon
Yes, I think that’s your answer. If they care, you don’t want to work there.
Trish
I vote yes. It could be a distraction, in good or bad way. When I have court, I always go nude because I don’t anyone thinking about my nails.
Anon
Looking for a pair of linen pants without an elastic waist and that are reasonably fitted (I’m fine with loose, I just want it to be intentionally loose and not baggy)
Anon
Banana Republic, online in both the regular store and factory.
Anonymous
Cos and H&M both have tailored line trousers.
Anne-on
How fancy do they need to be? If this is ‘wear around the house/town in 90+ days’ then I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the Old Nacy linen blend straight leg pants. Definitely wouldn’t wear them into any office unless it was quite casual though.
Anon
Nice enough to wear to work!
PolyD
J Crew Factory has or had some good ones.
Allie
This is where Eileen Fisher shines.
Anon
Garnet Hill had a nice pair I tried and returned earlier in the summer. (Thighs too tight, waist too big for my pear self.)
Anon
Ah I’m a pear too unfortunately
Anonymous
Express
anon
While watching the new season of Never Have I Ever this weekend it made me nostalgic for high school. I thought this would be a fun question: What do you miss about high school? And what do you enjoy more about being an adult?
I miss seeing my friends every day. It’s rare to find a time when everyone can get together; people are busy with their SO’s or family or travel. And I realized I haven’t felt the excitement of a crush in so long- wondering if he likes you too, hoping you’ll run into him, etc. These days I’m only meeting guys through dating apps so there’s no mystery. If you both agreed to go out on a second+ date then you can assume he’s somewhat interested.
What I love is that on the rare occasion I disagree with my parents I get to disregard their opinion and make my own choices. Afterward I can drive off in a car I own to an apartment they don’t have they key to. My inner sixteen year old finds it very satisfying.
Anon
I am one of those rare people who loved junior high and high school. I went to a private girls’ school that had a really supportive, caring environment. I loved learning and I had lots of great friends who I’m still friends with 20 years later. I recognize that I was incredibly fortunate.
Of course being an adult with freedom and independence is great but I do miss those days of hanging out with my friends where my only responsibility was a math test.
anon
I graduated from high school in 1995, so looking back I appreciate growing up without social media. I was shy and introverted but I had a small group of friends. I miss the carefree life of of only having to care about homework and other school stuff. It was fun seeing my friends every day and I remember laughing a lot.
As an adult, I like having independence to do whatever I want. I am financially independent and sometimes I can’t believe I’m 45 years old with a mortgage. I’m thankful to have had a good high school experience, but I like where I’m at in life now. The only thing missing is having close friends – I work from home and don’t interact with a lot of people in real life.
Anonymous
I don’t miss highschool at all. Both teachers and peers bullied me! I love being an adult, my teenage self gets a particular type of glee when I run into my bullies and they realize just how successful I am and I see their little brains explode.
Anon
Same! I hated high school with a passion! I hated being confined in one building all day stuck around people I mostly didn’t like. I also really felt like an outsider along the lines of Andy in Pretty In Pink. I mostly stayed quiet my senior year and tried to focus on college, which I loved!
Anon
I wasn’t bullied really but man did I also hate high school. I experienced trauma, which resulted in a lot of damaging and dangerous behavior that carried on into my adult life. I do not keep in touch with any classmates in a meaningful way. No nostalgia here for me.
Anon
I had a great time in high school, but it was 30 years ago. I was happy to move on then and I don’t miss anything about it now. I’m quite happy being an adult.
No Face
I really enjoyed high school. Seeing my best friends every day was great. I also loved the opportunity to do and try so many things – I did a million activities. I also ate 4,000 calories a day and stayed a size 0!
I would not go back though. I love having independence and money. My high school was also an intense pressure cooker environment, so practicing law is actually less stressful.
Anon
Where did you go to high school?
Asking b/c I had a glorious time in high school, but it was a place where “college” meant community college and even though I read a lot and got really good SATs, I didn’t feel like I was working really (and now am also in BigLaw where it more of a volume thing than the work being truly difficult). And asking b/c I have kids and I am hearing now from peers of theirs (middle school girls) that they are dropping all of their “fun” activities to focus on the “resume” activities and it makes me so terribly sad for them that the “benefits” my success has gotten for them are possibly backfiring and making them miserable (so I try to keep them out of this mindset and in a way the pandemic helped, but they will soon be in high school and I suspect that sh*t gets very real very fast at that point).
I’m from NJ but a very blue-collar part vs Summit or places that I suspect were more pressure-cooker.
No Face
I went to a very prestigious private school. The goal was to get as many people in the Ivy League or MIT/Caltech train as possible. My workload was insane.
Anononon
Same. New England prep school and dealing with the workload there did more to prepare me for Biglaw than just about anything else I’ve done. Also loved it, but that’s probably why I also am one of those weird people who loves Biglaw.
Anon
Omg, yes. I was a size 0 and thought I was fat. Insane.
Vicky Austin
I do miss the daily interactions with people who are now lifelong friends. I think a lot about something Mary Schmich wrote – “The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young” – and I often wonder if I had been less standoffish among my peers, I would have a happier net of old acquaintances. It was the height of cool when I was a teen to say things like, “I’m gonna leave this dirty old town behind!” even if you only had plans to move to the dirty old town up the road a ways, and I suspect this was not the healthiest attitude.
I also miss the fact that I was awake and on time for 7 a.m. bonus hour every single day for the love of music, stayed through sports practice that ended between 4:30 and 5, and then stayed up writing reams of poetry and short stories late into the night. Whither that drive??
But I don’t miss being so hopelessly ruled by my wildly fluctuating emotions by any means.
Vicky Austin
Also, I’m not proud of this, but my parents were teachers at my high school and I couldn’t have kept much secret from them if I had even wanted to, so when I bombed a test in grad school and my mom asked how it had gone I straight up lied and felt no guilt because I knew she would never have to know.
Anon
I miss nothing about high school. It wasn’t horrible; nobody bullied me, but I wasn’t happy. I had one very close friend but our schedules didn’t align so I usually had lunch alone or with acquaintances and felt lonely. I spent a lot of time on an individual sport and took a lot of college classes so I was barely in my high school building anyway. I guess I kind of miss French class, especially senior year? My BFF was in my class and the class was small enough by then that everyone was friends-ish even though I never saw anyone except my BFF outside of school. And we got to go to France for spring break and that was a ton of fun.
I miss college a lot for the reasons you mentioned – seeing friends everyday, having crushes, freedom from parents and rules.
AIMS
I loved the possibility of high school (and all school really). Learning, friends, all of it. There was seemingly no limit to what could happen to you. I also weirdly miss having crushes, both required and not.
What I enjoy about being an adult is how I feel absolutely zero pressure to do anything on Friday and Saturday nights, holidays, etc.
Anon
What I loved/miss:
– school. I really liked school and learning. I just started grad school and I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed being in school until I took a 7 year break.
– having a uniform. I don’t mind dressing myself for work everyday but a uniform was so easy!
– sports and clubs. I played 3 sports and was in a few other clubs (newspaper, mock trial, debate). I did all of these activities because I truly loved them (not because I was trying to build a resume). I still play all of the sports (I’m in a somewhat competitive soccer league and while I don’t compete in track or swimming but I run half marathons and triathlons so kind of compete in running/swimming). It’s fun to still compete but it’s clearly not the same.
– no bills, very limited responsibility, living kind of care free. I was stressed about high school things at the time but I’d rather be stressed about an assignment than paying bills.
– feelings of youth: crushes, feeling like we had our whole lives ahead of us when picking schools/majors/whatever, pushing boundaries and feeling a little rebellious but also knowing the stakes were low if we got in trouble (like get in trouble at school? Detention. Get in trouble at work? PIP/firing). Honestly really just enjoyed feeling rebellious (and I did nothing bad…), like staying out late at 16 feels SO COOL but at 29 I’m just going to be tired tomorrow. How new everything is and how often you get to have new experiences
Honestly, I’m very social so I usually see at least one or two friends 6ish days a week. I also work with 2 friends with whom I was friends with for years before we started working together (so they’re real friends not work friends) so I see them at work regularly so I miss that less than others, though my high school friends have moved away and I see friends who have known me forever.
What I love about being an adult: independence, freedom, control over my life, living nearby friends.
I went to a private school and lived 45 mins away. It was always so hard to get to friends houses. I now live on the same block as 2 friends.
I’m very very very independent and I love that, aside from work, I never get told what to do. If I want to go do xyz I can. It’s so great.
I’m staying with my parents for the month (they live at the beach so I’m wfh here for august). My parents are great and I get along with them well but I love doing things my way (especially when it comes to dinner); I cook what I want for dinner and eat it when I want. My parents eat very different things than I do and eat earlier than I do.
Anonymous
The free time. Done by 3 pm and homework didn’t take more long or I had finished it in study hall. God I could get so much more done with my life if my work hours were the same as my school hours. I also miss seeing my friends every day–I had a small close group of friends that I am still friends with, but we are now scattered all over the globe so we don’t get to talk/see each other much.
Anonymous
(but if I could go back to anything, it would be college, not highschool. Same benefits, plus independence/no parents around, and more fun classes. I genuinely like the learning aspect of school, especially when I could pick my own classes)
Anon
I feel like I had more free time but I was always exhausted from having to get up so early in high school and I had a part time job, took ballet classes, and was involved in extracurricular activities.
pugsnbourbon
I hear you on the friends thing. I was in our very bad drama club and that was a lot of fun – I was a “good” kid and that let me loosen up a little.
I don’t miss high school but I do wish I’d done things differently. I cared SO MUCH about my grades and what other people thought of me that I ended up with an eating disorder. I spent the end of my senior year absolutely furious – at myself, at my teachers, everyone. I worked so hard and so little of it really mattered. If I’d been kinder to myself I would have had a lot more fun.
anon
Substitute eating disorder for anxiety, and this describes me. I sometimes feel sad for my past self. I had friends, I had a lot going for me, but I had SUCH a chip on my shoulder from, well, so many things. It didn’t help that I went to school with literally the same 50 people from K-12. Hard to reinvent yourself under those circumstances. I wish I could’ve lightened up a little.
Anon
I loved high school. I liked seeing my friends all the time, I loved my classes and teachers, and I loved all the things to do- sports, studying, other extracurriculars. I think I most miss feeling physically capable. I had so much energy and was in amazing shape through the sports I played. Since then, I’ve developed a chronic health condition and almost never feel good. I’m glad to have more independence from my parents and school work now, but I’m physically limited in a way that really diminishes that- I just can’t do all the things I want to do in the way I could as a teenager.
Allie
I miss the world before the omnipresence of the internet.
Vicky Austin
+1.
Anon
As a sort of counterpoint, I was a teen right when AIM and email were really starting to take off and that stuff helped me feel a lot less socially isolated, both by being able to communicate with IRL friends in a way that was more comfortable for socially awkward me and by being able to find internet communities (remember Xanga and Geocities webpages?) related to niche interests. I don’t know that I’d want to be a teen in today’s TikTok-crazed world (especially as a girl…the pressure on girls to share s3xy photos is just horrifying), but I personally think I would have had a much worse high school experience if the internet didn’t exist at all.
Josie P
I didn’t like high school AT ALL. I was a year younger than anyone else and smarter than almost everyone and boy, was it NOT a plus. No one would date me until senior year for like 2 months and I was also bored academically most of the time and was bullied on the bus.
What I did like was community theatre and choir camp – the latter was where I was so involved in what I was doing and it was AMAZING, plus I got lots of interest from boys there – I would go back in a second!
Anonymous
I miss having a constant stream of interested, available men to date. I enjoy now not having the scrutiny of a thousand eyes in everything I do.
Anon
Seeing my friends every day.
Track. I was quite good at it, and the girls on the team were very supportive and driven.
Running from 3 pm to 5 pm; mid-afternoon exercise to break up a long day is perfect for the way I’m wired.
What I don’t miss:
Everything. The bullying. The cattiness. Everyone up in your business. The way that some adults haven’t left it behind and they are miserable people to be around. People thinking that anything that happened in those halls, except for what you learn and the friends you make, matters at all in life. The bullying.
Anon
I miss my best friend, who died of a brain tumor 7 years ago, way, way too young. She was smart and funny and fun and kind and we remained close until her death. Miss her every day.
Anon
❤️
Is it Friday yet?
Oh man I miss absolutely nothing about high school. Zip, zero, nada. I had a miserable time and was either bullied or ignored (I came home one day senior year and realized that I literally hadn’t spoken to a single person all day). Being an adult is soooo much better. I actually have friends! I get along with my co-workers and my job generally doesn’t force me to interact with people I don’t like (save the occasional difficult opposing counsel)! I don’t have to be anywhere before 9:30am, and two days a week I can work from home in my pajamas! I have tons of disposable income so if I have a bad day I can just buy myself a book or some clothing as a little treat! I am not stuck in the suburbs without a car and can walk/take public transit from my apartment to the myriad delights of a major city! I have total independence and do whatever I want, whenever I want, outside the confines of my job.
The only saving grace of my teenage years was the summer camp I went to, and my friends from there are still my closest friends as an adult over 20 years later.
ThirdJen
I didn’t love high school, but what I miss most about it was how easy it was to center my life around the arts. I played 2 instruments, sang, danced, and acted, and had time for even more. I am trying to re-integrate music/arts/creativity into my daily life and I really miss that freedom.
What I love about being an adult is having the perspective to understand that things that felt like Huge LifeEnding Deals to Teenaged ThirdJen are, in fact, things that will pass. I can’t get bent out of shape over a fight with a friend now because I know that friendships sometimes involve conflict and I have enough experience to trust that our love will see us through. That perspective is precious and has brought me a lot of peace.
Anonymous
I honestly miss having tests and knowing, based on a test, how well I was or was not grasping the material. I don’t have anything like that now and think it contributes to a lack of confidence in my job day to day. I also miss my sports teams and having exercise at a reasonable time of day (I.e., 3:30pm) instead of 5:30 am!!
I had an odd high school experience in that I was a day student at a very small boarding school. My class was 80% male, and was about 40% international students. And honestly; the other girls in my class were just not interested in really learning. I don’t know if they were smart and didn’t try, or were just not smart, or just didn’t like school and did not care to even pretend to learn the material. I was in many math and science honors/AP classes, which due to the make up of my class, would end up being between 6-8 students total, which would consist of me and 5-7 boys, usually 3-4 of whom had English as a second language, and if there was more than one student from South Korea in the class, they spoke in Korean. I think I had four classes my whole high school career where I wasn’t the only girl. So,high school was very lonely because the guys I was in class with were on the nerdier end of the spectrum and didn’t want to further be considered nerds by being friends with the loner girl (me). I didn’t connect with any of the girls in my class because I didn’t really see them during the day ever and they all lived together in the dorms.
Anon
I miss the feelings of excitement when exploring things that were new, or dangerous, or naughty – driving off in my parent’s mini van the first night I got my license, sneaking around to find a private place to make out with my boyfriend, drinking flat, warm beer at an unauthorized pool party.
I also miss the phase were any impacts from my bad decisions were usually only limited to me. Overdraw your bank account for those rad earrings from Claires? You (but only you) are stuck with the overdraft fee. Now, my bad decisions usually have a trickle-down affect to the people I supervise, or my clients, or my family.
What do I love about now? Sound corny, but the wisdom that comes from experience. I have a better sense of what’s a huge deal vs. a temporary annoyance. I have patience to know that this too will pass, and that the hard / bad times always end, at some point.
Senior Attorney
I graduated from high school 46 years ago, so really it was an entirely different world. Like ThirdJen, above, the thing I loved the most was being neck-deep in the arts — I was in choir, vocal ensemble, and drama, and I loved all of it. Other than that, everything about being an adult is better. I had little to no guidance from my parents about academics, even though I was wicked smart, and somehow I convinced myself I was ugly and undateable in high school, so I missed a lot of opportunities and even normal high school experiences.
Anon
Another one who misses nothing about high school. I wonder what it would have been like if my parents realized I was depressed and traumatized by the time I was 13 (stressful home life that lead to their divorce when I was 12).
Theres one friend I miss from highschool that I wish we had been able to stay in touch.
Maybe I miss the time after the day ended when clubs and activities happened. The art teacher would let me sit in her room and work on projects even though I wasnt in art classes or the art club.
Maybe I miss the excitment of prom. My first kiss was on the dance floor, I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my math teacher in the middle of it. Mortifying but funny.
My friend group fell apart by mid year senior year so alot of memories I wish were nostalgic, happy, and exciting have this cloud over them.
The thing I really do miss from that period are the weekends and summers I spent riding around town on my bike alone. Riding to the library and taking home a stack of books atleast once a week to read on a hot summer day. I think I was so truely miserable that the library was one of the few things I enjoyed and could look forward to. I was struggling with grades, friends, teachers, family, and classmates.
I regret not being able to love where I was and being a teen.
Being an adult is great. Theres a whole world of crafts, fandoms, books, and hobbies that I explore as much as I want and the way I want. I get to have my own place to live, make financial choices for myself, and do or not do what I want on any given day as ling as I show up to work. Yes work is stressful sometimes but I dont feel miserable doing my job and I have the agency to choose my career path and learn what I want to learn.
I dont have contact with anyone I was in highschool with and Ive majorly cut my insta and fb usage in the last 3 years. As miserable as I was as a kid I can only imageine how insanely more miserable Id be if I was in my teens now with social media.
Seventh Sister
As a freshman, I lived in Germany (attended a DoD high school) and I loved all the freedom I got as an American teenager. I could take the bus, train, streetcar, etc. all over a beautiful city without any worries. I spent the last three years of high school in a small town. I miss the leaves turning in the fall and babysitting in an old house (built in the 1850s). Don’t miss much else.
Anonymous
I I’ve always enjoyed watching US shows about American high schools because it was such a different experience compared to my international school one!
I definitely miss seeing my friends every day and the availability to ask them on the phone or IM in the evening for the assignment details if I forgot to write it down. I enjoyed having winter and summer breaks (I did take a couple of SAT prep classes in the summer but it was only 1 hr a day for a week or two).
I don’t miss the pressure cooker academic environment of my high school, where we were all expected to take loads of AP classes, get into the top tier colleges, and perfect SAT scores. Looking back, I also don’t miss the overanalyzing of gossip and crushes, but then again, that’s probably more of a teenager experience, not my high school specifically.
I am conflicted now about how I feel about being in a small high school where in one way, it was nice that everyone knew who you were, but on the other hand, there was absolutely no hiding in the back of class because there were only a total of 20 people. Going off to a large state college in the US and being anonymous for the first time in my life was terrifying and liberating at the same time.
Anon
I don’t miss it. I went to college and never looked back.
Now, college. College I miss.
Anon
Same.
Anon
I didn’t have the best time but also not a horrible time in high school. What I miss is the learning and how mentally sharp I was back then. I really think I peaked in high school (and maybe burned out then too?). By college I was definitely lazy and more interested in having fun. And now I’m a tired 40-something with a toddler. I don’t miss the lack of independence and the regimented schedule.
Anonymous
I don’t miss high school. No bad memories, just that everything I’ve done since has been better. If I had to pick something to relive, I guess extra credit maths for fun and the quiet satisfaction of having the school’s best grades.
When I was there, I considered high school as a waiting room for real life, and didn’t plan to stay in that room a minute more than necessary. I love being an adult. Freedom, independence and agency.
Anonymous
I had a just fine time in high school, but I’m almost 40. I wouldn’t want to go back to high school at all. Girl drama, boy drama, hard classes, 6:15 wake ups, acne, hormones, my parents in my business- yuck.
I was in good shape, had great friends and a car and a boyfriend but was ready for college when the time came.
How college? Hell yeah I’d go back tomorrow. All the free time in the world, great friends a few doors or at worst a short walk away, fun classes, show up at a dining hall and eat (no cooking!!), sunny days on the quad, no bills to pay. Yes, please!
Also Anon
For high school I miss being in the same building as my friends at the same time – we always went to this one girl’s locker to hang out before homeroom, sometimes we’d have class together, we ate lunch together when our lunch blocks overlapped (or better yet, when your free period intersected with lunch and you were free for the whole lunch period!), and then we’d hang out maybe before school play rehearsals or at anime club on Friday. I’m nostalgic for that, and not having as many responsibilities of course. I took that structure for granted and had a hard time making friends in college because you had to be more proactive.
But I also remember, maybe five or so years ago, how much I missed being in college. I was at work and super tired, and longed for the days where I could go back to my dorm and take a nap if I had a break between classes. Of course, now I work from home five days a week and my bed is close by, but I rarely have a break in my schedule big enough for napping.
Anon
Healthcare rant — not really a question.
Have been helping for a relative who had surgery. Surgery was outpatient, which I am told has the benefits of limiting hospital-acquired infections and allowing the person to rest at home vs a hospital with potential roommate and lots of beeping / intrusions. Also lower cost.
LEFT UNSAID: hospital has actual bed with sides for post-surgery person who maybe very loopy. Also, no need to drive patient, who may be loopy and also vomiting after coming out of anesthesia, if you can wheel them around the hospital (so not risk of person vomiting all over car that may be dealing with rush hour traffic and then having to clean floppy person and also car which now we notice has lots of crevices). Also, hospitals are staffed in 3 shifts with people with training and supplies for doing their job. Your house is staffed with . . . whomever you can get to help you, a human who cannot work three shifts of care day after day . . . often with not quite the right gear. OMG what a disaster waiting to happen. I would also point out that as a woman, if I will actually ask questions if something the doctors/nurses say is unclear vs male relative who I’m not realizing did not even hear a lot of the post-op care instructions even though we were in the same room. OMFG — do people not realize that outpatient surgery is only a thing b/c of so much unpaid labor of women? ALSO, falling risk seems to be underestimated. I am 130 pounds and fairly strong, but really struggling to manage a person (female) who can be deadweight and on enough painkillers so as to need significant assistance. ALSO, many houses are unsafe for someone in this situation (including many elderly people with routine limited mobility) — no one seems to ask about this. Cleanliness is a concern (and hospitals have housekeeping staff; houses do not except for the people also run ragged).
Sleepy and cranky and now realizing that if something ever were to happen to me, in the 48-96 hours post-surgery (where the critical wrong things seem to happen), I want to be in a hospital until I am so clearly well that I realize I’m annoyed by it and want to go home. Can I maybe demand that as I am not sure that no relative can safely care for me and the house I live in is full of falling hazards (limiting ability to toilet and get food / water safely)? Or does not one really care b/c outpatient care is just so much cheaper?
Anon
Hire a nurse.
Anon
+1
Anon
This is amazing to me — how to you go about doing this? Have had numerous outpatient surgeries and spousal help was . . . not good. Hiring a nurse was never mentioned (even for a major sinus surgery and even though we have young kids to care for also). I guess if you need round-the-clock care you hire 3 of them (3×8 hour shifts)?
Anonymous
You google nursing agency and your town! But you really don’t need round the clock nursing care after out patient surgery! Maybe a home health aide but not an RN.
Anonymous
For sinus surgery? You don’t need a nurse. If the kids are complicating care hire a babysitter or send them to family. But no one is paying for a hospital stay because of sinus surgery.
Anon
Yeah, if someone needs round the clock care from sinus surgery it makes me think they are clearly not able to care for themselves well and maybe need a nursing home.
Anon
Ha — I have had a couple of these and I can testify that due to anesthesia, I was a vomiting mess after (why can they not keep you for a while longer for same-day discharge). Anesthesia is serious stuff. In my state, they are realizing the very hard and tragic way that it is risky for patients in a non-hospital setting (and likely: with no proper anesthesiologist or CRNA on site monitoring vitals).
I will note some guys we know who were kept in hospitals a LONG time, likely b/c no relative put themselves forward as a caregiver or even driver home (you can’t drive yourself home and they won’t pack you into a cab). They had good insurance.
But sometimes, things like cancer care put a high burden on a family caregiver than they are often ill-prepared for (e.g., driving and dealing with incontinence and vomiting to local appointments, person who has difficulty urinating, infections that develop b/c people don’t know when something goes from UTI to kidney infection).
Anon
In the Bay Area at least, there’s a lot of companies that do this. I’ve hired for my parents multiple times.
Anon
I should add, I guess it’s just something you know about? I don’t recall their doctors mentioning it, but their friends all did and had referrals.
Anon
I live in a large US city and I have only heard of this for people with high-care newborns (like feeding tube but they get sent home from the hospital) and people getting PT post-hip replacement once they are discharged to go home (but they aren’t discharged same-day IIRC) and get a hospital bed rented for them b/c all bedrooms may be upstairs in their house. It was packaged that way, so the people didn’t have to go dialing around to arrange needed care (or realize it was needed after the fact).
No Face
I didn’t know private nurses for hire was a thing until someone happened to mention post-surgery care on this website actually! I definitely have a local company bookmarked on my phone just in case we ever need it.
But yes, normally it is u paid family caregiving that props up everything.
Anne-on
It is not information you ‘know’ or are typically given by the hospital. I have had to coordinate care for myself and others post-op and have informed other friends/family members who to ask in the hospital (usually social workers) and what they will likely need.
It reminds me of the threads on mortgages/home inspections – you don’t know this stuff until you need it and thank goodness for the internet/personal recommendations for folks to help walk you through it!
Anonymous
I mean you google “how to care for patient post surgery at home”. It’s not a secret.
Anon
Agencies supply shift nurses
Anon
I am in MD, and Johns Hopkins has its own home health care division or subsidiary. Check with your local hospital and see if something similar is available. $$$, of course.
Anne-on
+1. We were able to hire a nurse, hospital bed, and various other ‘stuff’ (shower chair, bed pans, etc.) via a few calls, and everything was set up before the patient was discharged. The hospital social worker gave us the contacts for the equipment people and the hospital themselves gave us the number for the nursing company.
I will say NONE of this was voluntered – my SIL went in person to the hospital to ask for the social worker/list of home nursing companies/etc. My MIL was/is not capable of asking for type of care or coordinating the logistics so I totally agree with you that post-op/discharge care is very much run on the backs of (mostly) female unpaid labor.
Anonymous
Honestly no. No one cares and you’re not going to get 96 hours in the hospital until you’re perfect after outpatient surgery and that question makes me thing you’ve never been a hospital patient.
Anon
+1
A hospital isn’t a hotel, you don’t get to stay as long as you want.
Trish
Are you the CEO of BCBS? This is the most out-of-touch privileged comment I’ve ever seen on this board and that is saying a lot.
Curious
It’s not a question, it’s a rant. And fall risk is super scary and hard to manage. Just because health care works x way doesn’t mean it should. We had the choice of doing my chemo inpatient or outpatient and my husband had no question that he couldn’t do enough for us to manage it at home.
Anon
Yeah – I’m not sure why so many commentators seem to be repping so hard for insurance companies. No one is suggesting hospitals act as hotels, but it is well documented that insurance companies often act out of concern for their bottom line to the detriment of the insured. Hiring a nurse is great advice, but it’s also incredibly expensive and cost prohibitive for most people.
Anonymous
Because like half the people here work for evil companies like those insurance companies
Curious
Lol I think our resident health care employees are the first to critique the system. It’s so hard on providers.
Anon
I think the main flipside is that an understaffed hospital also carries a risk of falls… as well as things that aren’t as big of risks at home (nosocomial infections and major medication errors are the two big ones I always think of — my family has had to intervene to prevent major medication errors before, as in “meant for another patient entirely” errors).
Walnut
No one’s asking for perfect. I had a surgery that insurance wanted to do as outpatient and my surgeon absolutely refused. Even two days post procedure I couldn’t walk solo and critical bodily functions that confirm the procedure was effective had not resumed.
Anon
I had surgery 2 weeks ago, and while it was deemed outpatient for insurance purposes, I was allowed to spend the night at the hospital for observation. It was truly the best of both worlds. The nurses took care of the bit of nausea I had, I cold sober up in a controlled environment and help was a button away. I probably wouldn’t have realized I didn’t actually need the heavy-duty pain meds and just taken them because the bottle said to do so every 6 hours.
I was glad to get home because what they say about it being impossible to get good sleep in a hospital is absolutely true, but I was really happy with my decision and the hospital’s willingness to let me spend the night.
Anon
This is completely reasonable.
I didn’t need a week in a hospital for an uncomplicated V delivery like my mom got, but I know people who had post-partum fevers that a nurse would have known in a heartbeat was a major problem (retained placenta) that needed to be addressed and lay family members were poorly prepared for. Also, old people falling and the 50-year old caregiver not being able to get the person up again (could happen any day, but risk is higher after surgery).
We live in an all-or-nothing world where there is no medium.
Anon
The average 50-year-old is not incapable of helping an older relative get up. Please think before making ageist assumptions and comments. I am over 50 and have no trouble helping my 80-year-old MIL.
Walnut
Amen. Yes. For freaking real.
Curious
Would you have trouble lifting her, though, if she was unable to help? That’s the concern. It’s not that you can’t move, it’s that my cousin the 38-year-old rock climbing male ER nurse struggles to lift the dead weight of a body. It’s hard work!
Anon
If home care post surgery is going to be complicated, ask to speak to the hospital social worker prior to discharge. They can help you arrange all sorts of things from hired/borrowed equipment to CNAs/RNs and other home help. I had not very complicated surgery a few years back, and before discharge the social worker arranged for someone to help my husband with my dressing changes (they were in a location I was unable to reach).
If you feel you need to be in the hospital longer post surgery due to not having someone in the home to help you, the social worker will also know the options available.
Senior Attorney
I hear your rant! Going forward, look into a surgical aftercare agency. Some of them have their own facilities, others will take you to a hotel room. They provide nurses who will administer meds, change dressings if necessary, and be in contact with the doctor if necessary. I’ve used them for cosmetic procedures but I’m sure they would also do non-cosmetic surgical aftercare, too.
This is a really fancy one in Beverly Hills but there are less expensive ones, too: https://www.auraaftercare.com/
Anon
Seriously! Especially if you have any issues other than “in pain / feel bad.” I don’t even change my car’s oil, and I understand that completely and have done before. Much less something as complicated as a body post-surgery. Healthcare should not be DIY if it’s not covered in a NOLS course.
NYNY
I work in healthcare finance, and I could join you on this rant and keep going all day. You are 100% correct that outpatient surgery is enabled by unpaid labor, usually the unpaid labor of women.
I’ll point to the way we pay for care as the root cause of more services being moved to outpatient. Hospitals are generally paid for each episode of care, so an entire inpatient stay is paid with a single fee, which varies based on the patient’s diagnosis. Same for outpatient surgery, but that is paid much lower fee. The difference in reimbursement between having the same surgery performed as an inpatient vs as an outpatient is usually around 10X, so insurance companies are highly incentivized to only authorize the surgery in an outpatient setting. You can try to appeal that decision, but it’s not easy. If there is truly not enough support at home for aftercare, the insurance may authorize home health or a skilled nursing facility for a brief recovery period, since both of those are less expensive than a hospital. If your insurance will only authorize an outpatient level of care and the hospital keeps you as an inpatient, unless the hospital can prove that you had complications which required that you stay, the insurance company may deny the entire claim, so the hospital won’t be paid at all.
If you want to get really angry, look up insurance company profits.
Anonymous
Is there not a public health nurse that follows up with you the next day to see how you are doing? As a Canadian I continue to be surprised by the actual functioning of the US system. Our system is far
far from perfect but this is bananas.
Second all the suggestions to hire a nurse. Maybe you can pay out of pocket or have the doctor recommend it so insurance will pay.
Anon
To your first paragraph, absolutely not. I have had multiple surgeries where I go home same day after anesthesia (including implanting a magnet in my skull) and no one has ever actively followed up with me the next day. Woooo Merica!
anon
What? I’ve typically received at least a call from the nurse, if not the doctor post surgery…
I’ll take the US and not waiting in lines for basic things over Canada any day. Yes, even if insurance companies make bananas $$$.
Anon
Nope. Not for me. I’m glad you got calls though!
Nesprin
First and foremost- so much sympathy. Husband and parents have both had surgery and both times the amount of caregiving was overwhelming. And why oh why doesn’t our medical system recognize that women are people?
Now then- if the postop person can’t stand and walk across the room with some small help, they should be in the hospital. Seriously- if they try to discharge a person who can’t walk, wait more. And if they’re so sick the next day that they can’t walk, call an ambulance.
Also there’s a ton of things that the clinic can do that can make life easier- bedpans & throwup bags, zofran (miracle drug for nausea), renting a walker, asking for clinical notes & discharge instructions to be printed/emailed.
Trish
A local lawyer had back surgery and had a fatal fall the day he came home from surgery. I don’t know the family very well but I wondered if he was released too soon. Myself, I insisted on staying 12 more hours after my C-section. I simply did not feel ready to go or do anything, certainly not with a newborn! I was drugged and could barely sit up. I am in a believer in having a friend or family member advocating every step of the way for proper care.
RV/Camper
Long shot, but anyone on here an RV-er? We are picking up our first camper this weekend (a teardrop style) and wondering if anyone has tips or resources?
Husband and I both tent camp, but we wanted to upgrade so we are less weather dependent and have never RV camped before.
Anon
I have been RV-ing for a few years. The first thing I would say that surprised me was how short the time frame was before the water tanks ran out and filled up; meaning, you could no longer use either one. So no more toilet and no more water, which to me was one of the benefits of the RV. I don’t know if you have a toilet and sink in a teardrop trailer though.
Hootster
Yes – we have a fiberglass one (scamp / casita) and love it. We were never big car campers before (used to backpack and do other backcountry trips all the time), but with little kids, it’s been critical for our ability to get outside regularly. My recs:
– We got a foam topper for the bed which makes everything better. We bring a ton of pillows so that we can lounge in bed with coffee
– We don’t have an oven but got an Omnia Stovetop Oven that is amazing for cookies and pillsbury biscuits. I would recommend this for car camping.
Have fun!
Anon
If you’ve done lots of tent camping, I would assume you’re more than prepared to do it in a camper.
Anon
One small lesson learned I have from previously owning. If your camper does have water system and you’re picking it up from a dealer. You might want to check into their winterizing services. We live in cold area and we “thought” we had winterized our camper correctly (watched all the videos, checked over everything, etc.). Come spring turns out we were not successful in removing all the water out of the tubing and it caused a lot of expensive damage. If I buy another one, I’ll be buying winterizing each year from a local dealer to avoid the headache.
Annie Nominous
+1 Clearly learn how to winterize. Cooking and clean up is much easier in our small camper than tent camping, but basic rules still apply. Have a place for everything and put everything back. Prep meals as much as possible so cooking is a breeze. Stay on top of clean up. A small camper means we spend a lot of time outdoors rather than in our camper and we love that. Enjoy!.
Dc massage?
Recommendations for a massage in DC? Downtown area would be great, but happy to go elsewhere if metro accessible. TIA.
Me
Ginger Lowe in Alexandria! I used to go to her when I lived in DC and was marathon training, I go visit her when I return to visit, and my BFF sees her regularly. I met her as a massage therapist, but she is now also a chiro. My BFF sees her only for massage, but also says she pays for it with HSA dollars. Ginger is one of the best massage therapists I’ve seen.
Anon
I had a good experience at Eye Street Massage pre-pandemic, so years ago.
Anon
I need to disinfect some laundry, either by boiling or bleaching. I’m most concerned about my bras, for obvious reasons. Just basic stretchy fabric. Which method would you use?
Anon
I think Lysol sells a laundry disinfectant that you use in the wash.
Anon
Co-sign, they have a couple kinds. Oxyclean also has a sanitizing version. With two kids, they’re in heavy rotation in my house. No need to boil or bleach anything these days.
Anon 2.0
Make sure you follow the directions exactly if you use this. Just pouring a capful in does not disinfect if the soaking time is not met.
Anon
I would declare those items a loss and just replace them.
Anon
Sadly it’s basically all my bras and most of my tops, probably on an ongoing basis. Skin issues are no fun!
Anon
I had thrush when nursing and washed my nursing bras and tops in hot and put them out in the sun to dry.
Anonymous
Any chance a sauna might work? Your bra will not survive bleach or boiling, the elastic can’t handle that.
Anon
Agreed that it’ll be hard on bras. Could you switch to cheaper, lightweight sport or leisure bras some of the time to minimize wear and tear on your better ones? Or try layering a lightweight shell under them (like some women do for corsets) that can be treated more roughly?
Would some kind of UV sanitizing light work?
Anonymous
I just put some modal pajamas in the freezer because I worried they had bed bugs from a trip.
PolyD
You should look up what you are specifically trying to disinfect (COVID? Monkeypox? Norovirus?) and see if the CDC has any information. Lots of stuff can be taken care of by plain soap and water, or letting things dry in the sunlight (UV light kills lots of things).
If it’s bedbugs, well, time to call in the professionals.
MagicUnicorn
Yes, this.
OP, the answer depends on what you need to clean out of the fabric. It may be as simple as normal washing with a high heat tumble dry, giving it time in the sun between wears, targeted chemicals to remove residue, or it may not really be possible to clean whatever it is out enough to make the item usable again.
KS IT Chick
My DH & I are celebrating our 30th anniversary next summer. We have started planning a big vacation to mark the occasion. About 10 days in Scotland, split between city siteseeing and time on one of the principal islands for distilling.
We will be going in early May. I’m already thinking ahead about what clothes I will need to have. I want to see a session of the Scottish Parliament and tour Holyrood Palace. I have seen the dress code for the visit to Parliament (business casual).
What should I start looking for? I’m 5’4”, size 20, so clothes don’t usually fit directly off the rack.
Anon
Congrats on 30 years! What a milestone.
I know there are some UK commenters who can probably chime in more specifically but early May is awfully chilly and gross in Scotland – is there any way you can push the trip back a month or two? If you have to go in early May, I would consider a different destination. Most of continental Europe is lovely at that time.
Anon
We got married the last weekend in April four years ago and honeymooned in the Highlands (used Fort William as a base for day excursions) the first week of May. The weather was great for us – overcast of course, cool (appreciated by us), with a sunny day or two and a rainy day or two. I wore hiking pants, a technical top, a fleece (needed), and a rain jacket almost every day. Waterproof shoes were a necessity (I wore hiking shoes – either low top or high top – everywhere). Fort William isn’t a dressy town, so hiking attire was perfect. The weather in Glasgow and Edinburgh felt considerably warmer to us after a week in the Highlands, so things like jeans with a nice top (and my trusty rain jacket) worked – I remember feeling a little warm even in my jeans (clearly a factor of having been in the Highlands – it wasn’t shorts weather by any means).
Anon
I was there four years ago at the same time and had a wonderful time, but my post is stuck in mod. Check back.
Edinburgh Anon
I’m from Edinburgh. I think it’s a lovely time to visit! It will be cool and you’ll probably get some spring showers but it will be much less busy than during the peak sightseeing seasons. Pack a raincoat and an umbrella. I wouldn’t worry too much about dressing up for the Scottish Parliament as a visitor. I imagine they are trying to discourage people in wildly inappropriate clothing (football strips, exposing clothes etc) rather than turning away people in jeans.
Cb
Scottish parliament is fine in jeans/whatever you normally wear. My husband works there and he’s in chinos on sitting days, jeans and a polo in recess. Go for first ministers questions, Thursday lunchtime, and book tix in advance. And post a burner address and I’ll get in touch with recs and take you to coffee if I’m in town (split between Scotland and NI)
Anonymous
+1 I have been a couple of times on the tour, either in jeans or just whatever dress I was wearing that day.
anon
What does your spouse do that drives you nuts but is wonderful in every other way? My blue collar husband works a blue collar job and has horrible grammar. “Me and him are coming.” “He don’t do nothing.” “Where’s that at?” Makes my teeth clench! But he is loving, funny, thoughtful, hardworking, and makes me feel like I hit the husband jackpot in every other way.
anon
My husband uses the word “stoked” unironically. He plays music in the mornings to get himself going. And he moves my phone charging cords.
pugsnbourbon
My wife’s gonna get on here and post about how I say “that’s dope as hell” unironically :)
Senior Attorney
Haha that’s dope as hell!
Anon
I say I’m psyched, bummed, and molded/moded, and I overuse the word totally. I think my husband is fine with it but my kids are molded. (Native Californian)
Anon
What’s wrong with saying “stoked”…?
Anon
+1
anon@11:22
Objectively, nothing. Subjectively, it just makes me cringe when he says it. It makes him sound like a surfer or frat boy, which he’s definitely not, and it’s so jarring.
Me
My blue collar husband of five years also had pretty bad grammar when we met and his parents do also. The exact same issues you’re talking about. But he wanted to sound more educated and was open to improving his grammar. I started helping him, and 90 percent of the errors are gone. It really wasn’t much effort for him. He now corrects his mother’s grammar, which makes her insane but I can’t do much about that.
My biggest complaint, which I admit is minor, is that DH will not make the bed. He walks out of the bedroom after waking up and never goes back in during the day; he simply does not care whether the bed is a mess and doesn’t really even think about it. I make the bed every single morning. He also never notices that the trash needs to go out or the dishwasher needs to be run. Totally oblivious.
Anon
My husband used to say a few things, like “orientated” instead of oriented. I said “there’s no tater in oriented” and now he says that to himself when he’s working up to using the word.
pugsnbourbon
After 11 years of marriage, my wife still believes that dirty dishes need to have a little vacation in the sink before they go in the dishwasher.
Anon
After both comments here, I’m wondering if we’re married!
pugsnbourbon
If we are, I still love you dearly no matter how many dishes you put in the sink :)
pugsnbourbon
If we are, I still love you dearly no matter how many dishes you put in the sink :)
Me
This is my DH too! Everything needs to soak….until I put it in the dishwasher.
NYNY
My DH sometimes soaks things *outside* of the sink. I walk into the kitchen and find pots or bowls filled to the brim with water on the counter. I’ve had more than one spill trying to empty them, so now I just call him over to handle it.
Anonymous
My DH does this also – drives me bonkers. Dishwashing is a form of OCD and procrastination for him so every single thing has to be soaked, then scrubbed, then soaked, then scrubbed, then put in the dishwasher. Sigh.
pugsnbourbon
My dad has undiagnosed OCD and about ten years ago my mother simply stopped touching the dishwasher. It’s 100% his rodeo and he’s fine with that.
Anon
I described my perfectionist husband below, who does all the household tasks because he can’t accept how anyone else does them. I am like your mom, I gave up.
Anon
That would drive me nuts! My bf sings and talks to himself in our apartment and leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open all the time! I’ll go into the kitchen to find three cabinet doors open. He also misplaces everything. He’ll leave his shoes in the middle of the living room and not remember where he left them! He’d lose his head if it wasn’t screwed on lol
PolyD
What IS it with leaving the cabinet doors open??? I especially hate this because the bottom corners of our upper cabinets are just about eye level for me.
Anon
Is this a comment thing men do??? So so frustrating! It just makes the kitchen feel chaotic to me and stresses me out.
Anon
I am a woman and I am guilty of leaving cabinets open in my own house, but always shut them in other people’s houses. I just DGAF in my own house and get easily distracted!
pugsnbourbon
Same! I do try and I’ve gotten better, but sometimes the kitchen still looks like the jump scare scene from a poltergeist movie.
Anon
My husband leaves the cabinet door open, then bonks his head on it and gets mad at the cabinet door. The world will never understand this.
Anonymous
It could be ADHD, but also you know, just a combination of perfectionism and messy.
Dana K White has a funny story about how she filmed herself and how she – a very messy person – could just adjust to the open door and work around, never once reacting with “oh, better close that”, just always just ducking and weaving. Love her books about decluttering.
Anon
Ohhh, he will also put the dishes from dinner in the sink with little bits of food on it or lemon slices for example if we have fish for dinner. Just throw it in the garbage and then put the dishes in the sink! I assume he cleans them and then come to find a sink full of dishes with food on them.
anon
I used to have a roommate that I referred to as “the Sixth Sense ghost.” Every day was like that scene where Toni Collette is in the kitchen, she leaves the room for five seconds, and when she walks back into the kitchen EVERY SINGLE cabinet is open. At a certain point I just had to laugh.
anon
He tells the same stories over and over, regardless of the audience. Drives me insane.
Atlien
Mine tells the same stories too but any story involving a number gets DRAMATICALLY inflated, beyond the pale. Even when the original number was enough to make the story funny, every retelling it gets more preposterous.
Anon
My husband’s memory is not that great when it comes to non-academic things. He can recite how wars in fifteenth century France went down, but can’t remember what year events happened in.
This is exacerbated by the fact that my memory is ridiculously good, so it just hurts my brain.
anon
Ha. My husband has no idea what year key events in his family happened–like when his dad and stepmom got married, when they moved to the house they live in, when a close relative died. It took me YEARS of being with him and talking to other family members to piece together a chronology that made any kind of sense.
Anon
Your husband is my husband’s spirit animal. I wish my husband would understand that he has no idea, instead of being so certain about timelines that are just bonkers.
Anon
I am the woman who leaves the cabinets open and I also have no clue about family events. I have no idea when my parents got married and didn’t even know how they met until an incredulous law school classmate asked them when we were out to lunch once and tbh, I have already forgotten. I am everyone’s husband. Lol
Anon
My husband has a PhD in STEM and a prestigious job using his education, but he cannot remember dates AT ALL, including anniversaries and birthdays. He once got the wrong prescription for our child because he gave the pharmacist the wrong birthday.
Anon
Slightly different thing here. If you can’t remember that Kid 1 is born in October and Kid 2 is born in January – you sometimes get them flipped around or can’t remember the exact dates – that’s one thing. But my husband “remembers” things that are completely at odds with reality, and big things not little details, like the approximate year something happened.
I’m trying to teach him that he can anchor uncertain events around certain events. Recently, we were talking about an event that occurs in only in odd-numbered years and something that happened at on such event, which was before we met. My husband was completely adrift – he was pretty certain this happened in 2018. I had to explain to him that even though I didn’t know him then, this sounded a lot like 2015 because it was the last odd-numbered year before we met. It’s just this ebbing and flowing sea of time in his mind. THINK through it please, then use that information to build a picture in your mind, rather than grabbing something at almost-random and building up everything around it.
Anonymous
My husband leaves his dirty socks on the floor every single day. He will eventually pick up a pile of them and put t hem in the dirty clothes basket. It drives me insane and I used to angrily pick them up. Now I just ignore it haha. He is a hard worker, a good father, funny, even-tempered, and loves me unconditionally, so I have learned to just deal with his dirty socks on the floor. Married almost 17 years.
Anonymous
Omgggggg this is my husband except now it is my son too. He also bites his fingernails off then leaves them on, like, the living room side table near where my mother sits. Ewww. Also: wears the same pair of pants like 5 days in a row.
But: he’s a wonderful father, my best friend, I love talking to him and sharing our life together. We compliment each other in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
Anon
My wife bites at her fingernails and rips them off too and it drives me absolutely up the wall. I hate it. I seriously wondered whether I could handle it as the price of admission.
I decided the answer is yes, and she is great, but I sure hate the fingernail thing.
test run
My husband chews his off and then puts them in his pants pockets (WHY?) so when I’m doing laundry and reach in to see if there are any kleenex in there (also very annoying) I occasionally grab one and it’s so gross. But he also makes me laugh more than anyone else and accepts me wholeheartedly for exactly who I am so I’ll happily do his laundry and suffering the consequences of the occasional kleenex through the dryer forever.
Vicky Austin
I don’t know why, but we almost always take my car when we go places together on the weekends, and he drives. I have a huge clunky lanyard of keys, which he hates. There are no spare keys to my car unfortunately. He will unhook the car keys from the remainder of my lanyard and then pocket them and wander off with them into the weekend. The number of times I have panicked on a Monday morning with no idea where my car keys are is getting intolerable. Just respect my keys, dude!!
Anon
Take your keys from him as soon as you get out of the car!
Clementine
Hah! I have three keys – a house key and one for each of our cars on a keyring that is just an AirTag in a holder. It’s ‘sooo many keys’ and he also insists on taking just a standalone key… which I lose! Which is why I keep all my keys together and on a keying. Drives me batty.
Curious
Spouse gets into elaborate home projects and or research for said projects under self-imposed deadlines, skips self care to do them, then gets overwhelmed. Honey bean, you KNOW it’s going to take double the time you planned. Just spread it out.
Anonymous
Oooooo yes. Or he half-starts a home project, like, for example, re-finishing a coffee table top after leaving a glass of water that got knocked over. And then I’m living with a coffee table WITH NO TOP for two weeks (and counting).
KS IT Chick
I went almost 5 years without a bathroom attached to the main bedroom in our previous house. He started the renovation and then stopped. No toilet, sink or tile. We sold the house before he got back to it. If he had just let me call a contractor, I could have gotten it done in about 3 weeks.
Curious
Oh that’s epic.
Curious
Oh see the half started is what I do that he can’t stand lol.
Anonymous
Mine won’t put his things down in a set place and then can’t find them.
Anon
My bf does this all the time! Loses his phone, coffee, water, chapstick! It’s never in the same place.
Deedee
Loved hearing these responses!
My SO used to wear his shoes in the house sometimes! I think I mostly broke him of that. I don’t even want to know what he’d say about my manifold irritating habits…
Senior Attorney
My second husband was most emphatically not wonderful in every other way, but he added a “t” to the word “certainly” — pronounced it “certaintly” — and it drove me insane.
My current husband is crumb-blind. He will cook dinner and clean up the kitchen (he actually is, in fact, wonderful in every way) but he just does not see the crumbs (and the salt! he’s my own personal salt bae!) on the countertop and so there they remain.
Atlien
Mine is dryer-sheet blind. Dryer sheets would either accumulate in the dryer, the floor, or the laundry baskets. When we visited my in-laws this year I discovered this is a hereditary trait, which has given me a little peace
BeenThatGuy
If one day I write here that my partner and I have separated, it’s most likely because of crumbs. He sees them. But won’t wipe them up like a normal person (i.e. use a napkin/paper towel or your palm to “sweep” them and gather with the other hand). Instead, he licks his index finger, presses down and picks them up 1 by 1. You can imagine what this does to a wood table. Pray for me ladies. LOL
test run
For some reason this made me go “oh my god.” like Nate in Ted Lasso out loud alone in my office, lol.
Anon
Literally same! :)
Anon
I think you’re married to my ex boss (probably not.) He would do this at group lunches out at restaurants and not realize that everyone had stopped talking to stare at him.
We were all entry level employees and he was our two levels above boss making at least twice as much as we did. We’d all split the bill, and then he would count the money to make sure it was covered. He’d calculate exactly a 15% tip and then produce the exact change from his pocket to get here, and pocket whatever we’d all contributed in excess of that amount. It was stunning.
Anon
and I thought my husband was the only one who did this! Drives me crazy. He also does most of the other things mentioned in this discussion but I keep saying to myself: this is a trade-off. I’ve decided that the positives way outweigh the negatives.
Another Anon
Never lets the microwave count all the way down. It’s constantly on 0:01. Idk why it drives me bonkers but holy moly.
Anon
Ha, this was a thing growing up in my household. My dad hated this too and we could see the microwave from where we ate dinner. But he contributed nothing to the actual making of dinner and would also complain if the microwave went off instead of somebody stopping it at :01.
Anon
I love my husband. But he is incapable of planning ahead. Ex. A: every vacation, he decides the morning of what he wants to pack, and it’s always something that’s dirty – so we’re invariably late to the airport b/c we were waiting for his clothes to dry. Ex. B: Cannot for the life of him get his portion of tax materials together any earlier than 4 p.m. on April 15. Thankfully, I’m super bossy and actually prefer to plan most things so it’s really only an issue when he’s in charge of the things that only he can do.
Anon
My boyfriend makes noise a lot. Sighing, talking to himself, whatever. It drives me bonkers and, hilariously, is also what drives me insane about my father. Oye!
test run
Oh gosh, this is me. I apparently even make a little humming sound that my husband has identified specifically means, “I have to go to the bathroom but don’t feel like getting up right now.” Mortifying.
Curious
I am dying. Omg this made my day. That is amazing.
Anon
I have no right to complain because my husband actually does 75% of the housework (truly) but it’s because no one else can do it right in his opinion, and then he kind of bitches that he’s the only one who does anything. He’s the kind of person who will unload and reload the dishwasher the “right” way.
Anon
Describes his incredibly banal dreams to me, in excruciating detail.
Senior Attorney
OMG I do this.
Anon
My husband leaves his aero press by the side of the sink EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. instead of either rinsing it and putting in the dish rack or putting it back next to his coffee stuff. It drives me crazy. He does this with other not-quite-dirty dishes too, but the aero press is all the time.
Anonymous
Doesn’t turn off lights when he leaves a room or the house. Even when it’s bright and sunny as can be and the blinds are open he turns lights on when he enters a room and doesn’t then them off.
Also, doesn’t always have a good sense of timing/driving distance of activities. when we have many activities potentially in a row that are a distance apart from each other, more often than not doesn’t calculate/account for travel time between the activities. Like, we live 7 minutes away from The grocery store. If it’s 10:00 and we have to be someplace at 10:30 that is ten minutes away, he thinks he can fit a full grocery trip, put away groceries at our house, and drive to our destination and be on time.
Anon 2.0
My DH has the most amazing memory regarding actors and what they starred in. Except, any time we watch something he MUST pause it and tell me about and/or use Wikipedia to fact check himself. Drives me insane.
Anon
Is FastTrak worth it for the Provo airport in Turks and Caicos? We’re traveling in mid-December (before the Christmas rush) and will be flying in and out on Saturday, which I know is by far the busiest day of the week in airports, especially in the Caribbean. I don’t remember big issues when we went in December 2018, but I know travel has changed a lot since then.
Anon
Went in April for our honeymoon and got fast track both ways. I was very happy to have it because the airport was a complete nightmare. I think “worth it” is up to you- they’re crazy expensive for a few hours of less stress. Doing it for departure was less worth it than for arrival- the airlines lines are insanely long for departure and they don’t help you skip those at all, just the security line (which wasn’t bad when we left on a Saturday). If you can upgrade your departure ticket so you can be in the business class check in line that’d be much more worth it than departure fast track.
OP
Thanks! That was my sense from our previous trip, that customs had much longer lines than security so arrival is much more worth it. We have a small kid so skipping an hour waiting on line is very worth it to me. We’ll be checked in online and carry on bags only, so on departure won’t have to wait in any lines except security. We have airline status and a decent (probably better than 50-50) chance of a business class upgrade, but no guarantees. Business class is way more expensive than FastTrak, so I’m not going to pay for that, especially when there’s a good chance we’ll get it for free.
Anonymous
Any GR or lobbying focused resume services out there?
Anonymous
Do you actually want to be a lobbyist? One of my BFFs is a lobbyist and tbh representing evil companies is getting to them. Coming from my perspective as a government official it seems like people watch house of cards and think that’s how it’s done. I’ve been subject so so much screaming and many threats lately, it’s absolutely wild.
Anon
Sigh. Must you? GR is so maligned, and as a “government official,” surely you know that. I love my job, my colleagues, and 95% of my clients, and will do this job til I’m 80 if they’ll let me.
And yes, the 5% of clients I can’t stand are the ones who firmly believe the city is a House of Cards episode. Anyone who’s worked here will tell you Veep is more accurate.
Anon
Okay, so you clearly know nothing about lobbying.
Anon
Maybe check to see if Women in Government Relations has any sponsors or anything listed on their website?
Annon
^^ above comment, I’m already in lobbying/GR and am looking for a transition. I’m young in the field (but have been accomplished so I’m confident in what I have to offer) so I don’t really know where to turn.
I posted a couple weeks ago but TBH the stretch before August recess got the best of me. To the women who graciously reached out, hope you see this again and I’ll make a separate email.
Cora
Is there a way to work in lobbying/GR for nonprofits or for organizations that you like?
Anon
Of course. There are general lobbyists who specialize in certain causes and are known as a go-to lobbyist on that issue (generally because that issue was part of their Hill portfolio) and lobbyists who represent associations that are big enough to have a budget for a lobbyist (National Association of Teapot Manufacturers).
I work for a boutique law firm that specializes in teapots. Our clients are mostly major corporations that sell or use teapots in their regular line of business (say, a hotel chain that uses teapots in the dining room). These corporations have their own in-house lobbyists that specialize in whatever their regular line of business is (being a hotel), but they bring me in for a limited engagement whenever there’s a teapot issue they need worked on because their in-house lobbyist is a generalist, not a teapot specialist like I am. Teapots are an interesting, mostly uncontroversial issue, with friendly people. I enjoy my work.
Fwiw, nonprofits usually refer to this as “advocacy.” It’s a more palatable word in some circles.
j
Hi! I’m a lobbyist in DC who would be happy to look at your resume if you post a burner email! And definitely hook up with WGR if you haven’t.
Anon
Does anyone have the Everlane ReNew Transit backpack? What do you think? I need a backpack for work that can fit my laptop and lunch and I like how sleek this one looks.
Anonymous
I just got it, primarily for family trips where a parent needs to be carrying multiple water bottles. It’s not as tiny or sleek as I thought, it’s pretty big (comparable to my LL Bean) and I worry the scratchy canvas will be harder to care for than nylon. I like that it has a trolley strap though.
OP
Thank you! The backpack I have right now is Lululemon and I find it too small so I’m glad to hear it’s big.
Anon
Please be gentle in the responses because I am really hating myself today. I had a social event over the weekend that I was both really excited and really nervous about, which involved reconnecting with old friends. I ended up drinking way too much – I’m still not sure how because I was sticking to wine, I think I didn’t eat enough for lunch – and got so sick I had to be taken home early by my husband. I am so mad at myself and embarrassed that this happened, as it had been a while since I had lost control in that way. However, I do seem to generally struggle with knowing my limits and this has been a problem for me since college (I’m 29). I’m not an alcoholic by any means – I did dry January, and it’s easy for me to stop after 1-2 drinks. I love being able to go to a brewery with my husband, or enjoying a fancy cocktail with friends. But in “drinking” situations, it can be hit or miss for me to get totally sloppy. I thought that I had grown out of this tendency in recent years, but this weekend was a reminder that maybe I don’t have as good of a handle on my limits as I thought. Has anyone else been in this situation or know someone else who has? Is the answer full sobriety? Limiting myself to 1-2 drinks always, regardless of the event? My husband just doesn’t understand because he’s never really had this problem, even though he drinks significantly more than I do – he just consistently knows his limits. Would also love any advice on how to stop ruminating over what I could have done differently this weekend and how upset I am that I didn’t get to spend more time with the people I traveled to see. (And yes, I’m scheduling an emergency appt with my therapist this week).
Senior Attorney
This happened to me at a big birthday party I organized for my husband some years ago and I was MORTIFIED. And it was as your described — really excited, really nervous, didn’t eat enough beforehand. Honestly everybody else had a great time at the party and on the rare occasions anybody tried to tease me about it afterwards, I said “too soon! still too embarassed!” and mercifully they respected that, and ultimately I lived to party another day. So my best advice is to forgive yourself.
That said, if it’s an ongoing pattern then it seems like you do need to set some limits and maybe your therapist will have some ideas in that regard. But off the top of my head, if you can easily limit yourself to 2 drinks, and doing so will stave off “hit or miss to get totally sloppy,” that seems like prettymuch a no-brainer.
Deedee
Be gentle with yourself—we are just monkeys who figured out how to eat fermented fruit and unsurprisingly, our monkey brains are not perfectly adapted to this! Keep in mind that if you’re feeling sad/shame/etc that those emotions are also a depressive affect of the alcohol, so you may have a more balanced view in a few days.
My spouse is similar age and experiences to you it sounds like. For him the problem was exclusively drinking too much (and sometimes getting sick or hung over) at parties/bars with groups of people and/or non-close friends. He was particularly vulnerable at a time when he worked a job with coworkers who frequently drank heavily together after work, but he had no problems at home, dinners out with close friends, etc. He largely decided to limit himself to 2 drinks at all social outings as a result. Like you, we both are young, enjoy drinking socially, don’t “need” to drink/have more than one regularly, so his weakness was situational in my view. It sounds like you were nervous for this gathering, and that would be an easy path to drinking too much to lubricate things.
I don’t tend to struggle with social moderation really, but one thing that helps me stay in check when I need it is taking a break (bathroom, walk outside for fresh air for a second) to really notice how my body is feeling. Nothing like a gulp of night air to help you really become aware of how much alcohol is already in your system! And if I want to keep drinking, I then ask myself: would another drink’s worth of impairment make me feel as good as I do now? Often the point where I’m buzzed and should be switching to maintenance mode and alternating in glasses water is the exact time my alcohol brain lies and says “this is fun, you have to keep drinking or the fun will stop!” And that’s the tipping point from happy tipsy to actually drunk.
Lastly, for what it’s worth, your friends are probably not judging you as harshly are you are judging yourself.
Anon8
First, try not to beat yourself up too much– the self-loathing is always disproportionate after a night like that. When I was in college through about 24 I had many, many nights like that.
Sticking to 1-2 drinks might sound boring but that reveals the problem itself: you’re planning on getting drunk, just not *too* drunk, which is a recipe for disaster. If you’re always drinking to get to that sweet spot, you’ll overshoot it more often then not. Instead aim to only have a drink or two and if you eventually slip up and drink 3 it’ll be a happy accident if you end up with a buzz, but you really do have to get strict with yourself and stop aiming to get to that thoroughly drunk.
Cutting back to 0-1 drinks per event was the answer for me. It was made easier by my awful hangovers but truly the only thing that worked was consistently not drinking. At first it was tough but it gets easier over time and I can say I haven’t had an “oh no I drank too much” night in 7 or 8 years.
Anon
For me personally, sticking to wine for a big night out actually usually doesn’t end well. It just goes down too easy, and is often a situation where there is topping off (by you or others) so it’s really hard to keep track of how much of it you have drank. And wine gets you just as drunk as other drinks so not sure if there is a misperception that it does not here?
I personally try to switch over to beer at some point for these reasons. Easier to track, doesn’t go down quite as easy, especially if it’s heavier. And really, really try to insert a full glass of water between or at the same time as each drink if you can.
It sounds like you just need to really track better. Doesn’t have to be as low as 1-2 for a “big” night out, but you should have a number in mind to start and generally be aware enough to know where you are relative to that.
AIMS
+1. I actually try to never drink white wine on these occasions as that is always how I end up drink more than I intended. And esp. with an open bar, I find you get a heavier pour (even if someone isn’t there to just refill your drink). I also make a point of eating and having a club soda in between any drinks.
AIMS
Oh and one thing that works really well for me when my mind spirals about something I have decided is embarrassing is to find a phrase that accurately but more gently/positively describes the situation and repeating it until the spiral passes. Something like “seeing old friends can really be an adventure!”
test run
+1 I can’t really drink wine at all anymore because even one glass totally wrecks my sleep, but I had been steadily cutting back for a while because it was too easy to drink more than I meant to. I just stick to beer these days because I generally get uncomfortably full before I’m able to drink too many. Also, I can no longer mix cocktails/wine/beer – I have to pick one and stick with it for the night.
Anonymous
Any woman is going to get sloshed after more than two drinks. Just set a hard limit at one or two if you want to avoid it?
Z
No? Lots of women don’t get “sloshed” after two drinks. We all have different tolerances here, no need to be judgey.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Lol. No.
anon
lol, maybe after 5-6+ for me…
Anon
I’m going to be gentle. You don’t sound like you have a problem with alcohol; you sound like your body occasionally has a problem with alcohol. Your limit is two drinks. It’s not because you’re a drunk, an alcoholic, or a bad person; your body will sometimes react very poorly to more than two drinks, so two drinks is your limit.
Anon
This. I’m 40 and know I can only drink 2 drinks when I go out or I’ll get sloppy.
anon
I’m 34 and this is my observation too. Except my very upper bound is 1 drink. And honestly that is too much to be comfortable or not hung over the next day for me. I’m 5′ tall and generally tiny, so I get that these are just my limits. I definitely have friends who can drink a LOT more but that’s just not me.
anon
Yeah – my best friend is like this. She’s just tiny, doesn’t drink often, and has to set hard limits or it will go poorly.
Sasha
First off, go easy on yourself. This happens to so many people who drink. There are so many factors that could’ve impacted this–what you eat that day, the ABV of the wine, if you worked out that day, where you are in your cycle, etc. It’s a huge bummer that you couldn’t spend more time with the people you traveled to see–that’s the real loss but that can be made up for at a later time!
You sound like maybe you’re a volume drinker, which I am as well. I drink quickly and I always like to have something in my hand. So I usually stick to light beer if I’m planning on having a long night out, or I’m particularly concerned about not getting too drunk. You could also get a soda water with your wine (or get your white/rose wine topped off with seltzer directly, if you aren’t a purist or getting the good stuff) and then also drink a water in between each glass. Similarly, when ordering a mixed drink, getting a single in a doubles glass with extra ice/mixer. Focus on higher volumes of lower % alcohol and have something non-alcoholic in between. I think what’s important is just slowing down the rate of consumption to you have more time to check in and understand how you’re feeling before getting another.
As for the rumination, the only thing that will help the sting of embarrassment is time. But this is something that happens to soooo many people, and it sounds like it’s more of an issue of you not keeping a close eye on it and getting carried away vs. not being able to stop. It’s mortifying to be in that position but it sounds like the people you were with know you and hopefully have been in situations where you’ve drank and not had too much, so they know this is not your typical MO. If it would make you feel better, I’d shoot them a text apologizing, and I’m sure you will get nothing but “oh we’ve all been there!!” back.
Anonymous
Some IPA beers work nicely with tonic water.
White or red wine with soda water is a common summer drink for women in my DH’s home country. Experiment with which types of wines taste best for you when cut with soda water.
I would still stick to the 1-2 drink limit for a while though – this is just a way to stretch those drinks to last longer, not increase your overall alcohol intake.
Anonymous
Try limiting yourself to a set amount like 1-2 drinks per event regardless of the event for like a year. Then see if you can do 3 drinks sometimes but limit that
Writing down your own rules may help structure it for you and remind you of why you made this choice.
In my 40s I find there is a big variety in how much people drink. DH and our friends enjoy wineries, breweries, fancy cocktails etc but rarely drink more than 3 drinks at any event. Usually 1-2. My sister and her friends regularly polish off a bottle of tequila between 3-4 people over a weekend at the cottage. You can imagine which group of people has better overall health.
NYNY
I have a strict 2 drink limit for social events, because it hits me harder than it used to, and because 2 is easy to remember. I pace myself, so if its a longer event, I may start with a seltzer or other non-alcoholic drink before I have something alcoholic, and I always have something non-alcoholic between my two drinks. And there’s no shame in my game. If someone tries to pressure me into another drink, I just say “I know my limits.”
Anon
POV: I have a long history of alcohol abuse, am someone who can black out after 1 or 6 drinks – no telling, and has no ability to stop at 1 or 2 so take my advice with that gigantic grain of salt.
If you truly can stop yourself at one drink, either that or sobriety is the answer.
For context on being kind to yourself, I have had MANY MANY drunken nights in my 42 years and have done any number of embarrassing things (LOTS) and I am professionally successful and have many loving friendships which survived my very ugly alcoholic abuse of many many years. Everyone makes mistakes. You didn’t hurt or kill anyone and you are safe. These are the things that are important. Be easy on yourself.
Anon
(I’m sober now!!)
Anon
+1,000,000 to everything 1:17 Anon said. Sobriety was the only thing is working for me. I’m no good at moderation.
Seafinch
This is me. I loved drinking. I never drank when I was sad and am accomplished and successful but I drank too much and loved the feeling of many drinks. I could easily go very long stretches without drinking. I did a lot of reading and thinking and finally did a a month long challenge with Sarah Rusbatch this past April and haven’t looked back. Honestly, the more I learned from a scientific perspective and societal perspective from reading quit lit made me want to be a bit revolutionary and just stop all together. I don’t moderate and can’t. I can’t get over the positive impact it has made. I would highly recommend reading Rusbatch’s FB page, “the Well Women Collective” her website, maybe some Annie Grace or Holly Whitaker, “Quit Like a Woman” and really explore the idea of grey area drinking.
Anon
I don’t drink often so I really have to pace myself when I do. I find that at a party or at a bar (this was pre- pandemic for me) I drink more because I’m talking and I get thirsty. So my rule is one drink, one glass of water, one drink, one glass of water. It’s kind of a problem when someone is coming around topping off your wine so you don’t get a sense of what “one drink” is, but maybe you can set a timer on your phone to drink a full glass of water after 30 minutes or so.
Anonymous
So I’m someone who regularly drinks more than 2 a night. Trying to cut back significantly — do you think ever think someone like this can moderate, or is abstaining the only way forward?
Z
I think it depends on the reasons why you do what you do – do you feel like you need it to relax? Do you just like the ritual of making a drink? There have been many discussions on this board in the past about ritualistic drinks and mocktail suggestions.
anon
I’ve gone through phases where I was regularly drinking at least 2 glasses of wine a night, and then phases like now where I don’t drink during the week at all. For me, the drinking had just sort of become habit and replacing it with something else fun to sip on (shrubs, a fancy soda, different kinds of tea) does the trick. It really depends on why you drink and how that habit developed.
Anon
I’m anon at 1:17 above and if you really want to cut back and haven’t managed to make yourself yet, then I do think sobriety is the answer. I’d cut back to two or three a night and think I was doing great, then bam the next night a 12 pack of seltzer was a goner (like on a Tuesday). I kept lying to myself about my ability to control myself bc I wasn’t ready to quit yet. I haven’t yet regretted a day of sobriety a year and 8ish months in.
Anon
I’ve definitely been where you are and the thing that has helped me the most is therapy. Because it turns out I hated myself anyway and when I was most anxious and also drinking alcohol, drinking turned into a coping mechanism. And then I just ended up hating myself way more the next day. Working on the underlying anxiety and depression really helped and now I don’t really end up in situations where I am very anxious and also drinking because I’m not usually very anxious.
Clara
Super practically, when I went to college my dad told me to have a glass of water after every drink. I didn’t always do that in college, but it IS a great way to keep better track of how much you’re drinking and just naturally slow things down.
Anonymous
This. My limit is two and I have a non-alcoholic drink – usually soda water with lime after each drink. I like to have something in my hand and it makes me miss alcoholic drinks less.
Anon
I do that. I once suggested that on a college forum as advice to give college kids, and then promptly got my head taken off about the risks of **drinking too much water** and how the electrolyte imbalance can cause heart attacks. It was amazing – sure that might happen, but it’s about ten thousand times as likely that someone would otherwise drink themselves into an oblivion, so…..
Anon
Thank you all so, so much for the kind and very thoughtful replies! They mean more than you know, and I appreciate hearing all of the different perspectives (especially from others who have been there). Definitely going to spend the next few months being much, much more intentional about my drinking habits – I really like the suggestion of keeping it to 1-2 for a year and going from there.
anon
As someone who’s “fuel efficient” I have to be careful about this as well. I follow a couple of rules. 1. Never let anyone top off your class- that’s a sure fire way to lose track of how many drinks you’ve had. Finish a drink completely then get a new one. 2. Make sure there’s food in your stomach before you start drinking. For me, it’s safer to eat a dinner roll before I touch my drink than sip a cocktail while leisurely munching something. 3. Avoid wine unless you’re only having one glass. The size of each pour can be wildly inconsistent and it tastes so good that you’ll down it without noticing. 4. Figure out the maximum number of liquor drinks you can have before getting drunk, and just don’t exceed that number. When you’re already buzzed it’s hard to gauge how much more alcohol you can handle. Make a plan, stick to that number, and switch to water once you hit your limit. If you think you’ve gone too far then chug a full glass of water, eating something carby, and excuse yourself to get a bit of fresh air while it kicks in.
Anon
All I can share is I’ve had a very similar experience (simply it being a gamble of whether 2 drinks will lead to a brown out or 6 drinks will be fine). The only answer for me has been to always stop at 1.
anon
What’s the best nonfiction book you’ve read recently? I usually read a balance of both fiction and nonfiction but have been very heavy in fiction in 2022! I’m home recovering from surgery and my brain needs something besides Schitts Creek and romcom novels.
Anonymous
It is not that new anymore, but Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson.
Anon
Favorite non-fiction reads from the last few years: Empire of Pain, Midnight in Chernobyl, Radium Girls, Catch and Kill, She Said, Whistleblower, Know My Name (all the trigger warnings, but it’s incredible), Dreamland, Five Days at Memorial, Born a Crime, Becoming.
I don’t know if you count humorous celeb memoirs as non-fiction (I mean, they’re not fiction, but they’re not exactly serious) but I enjoyed Stanley Tucci’s Taste and Seth Rogen’s Yearbook.
Anonymous
Storm in a teacup
– about physics.
Mouse
Anything Mary Roach writes is always my go-to. She’s so entertaining to read about whatever she researches. I liked Stiff and Bonk specifically.
Also, I think Come As You Are should be required reading for everyone (Emily Nagoski).
Curious
Bonk cracked me up. I kept quoting it to my very bemused husband.
Vicky Austin
My taste runs heavily to royal and literary biographies and food memoirs, but I just read and LOVED Manderley Forever by Tatiana de Rosnay. Reads like a novel, but 100% biographical.
Other faves in 2022:
Blue Plate Special by Kate Christensen
My Glory Was I Had Such Friends by Amy Silverstein
The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green
Sister Queens by Julia Fox, about Katherine of Aragon and Juana of Castile
The Haunting of Alma Fielding by Kate Summerscale
Not listed here: ALLLLLL the cookbooks. I love reading cookbooks.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, I’d also add Ruth Reichl (Save Me the Plums is one of my favorite books ever) and Alice Waters’ Coming to My Senses.
Anon
David Sedaris – autobiographical essays that are hilarious.
An.On.
Bad Blood is excellent.
Anonymous
I’ve been listening to Dark Money and it’s fascinating and a good audiobook.
Anonymous
The Divorce Colony by April White was interesting historical nonfiction about the short-term community that sprung up in South Dakota in the late 1800s.
I was also pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Jessica Simpson’s Open Book (recommended by someone here a month or so ago)
Kelly
Invisible Child
Nomadland
The Deep Places
And, surprise win: Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzeneggers autobiography
South American Girl
If you like history, The Swerve: How the World Became Modern, by Stephen Greenblatt
Carrots
Agree with Know My Name (and especially all the trigger warnings around it!)
The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown was amazing (about the US gold medal team at the 1936 Berlin Olympics)
You Never Forget Your First by Alexis Coe was a fun take on a president biography
Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand
If you’re looking for something that’s easy to pick up and down, Johnson’s Life of London by Boris Johnson was amusing (though it’s been awhile since I read it)
Senior Attorney
Bad City by Paul Pringle. All about dastardly goings-on by the head of the University of Southern California’s medical school (among others) and how the editors at the Los Angeles Times tried to suppress their own reporters’ coverage of it. I particularly enjoyed it because many of the players were aquaintances of mine and I’d stayed in the hotel that figures prominently in one of the more scandalous episodes.
Senior Attorney
Longer comment in mod, but Bad City by Paul Pringle.
PolyD
Seconding Bad Blood. I recently read The Palace Papers and could not put it down!
anon
– A Ghost in the Throat by Doireann Ni Ghriofa. I just finished this, and it’s so hard to describe. It’s a mix of memoir and history/biography, supplemented by the author’s imagination, as the author tries to uncover details about the life of an Irish poet. The end of the book is the author’s translation of the poem from Gaelic to English. The audiobook is read by Siobahn McSweeney and is especially good. The Yellow House by Sarah Broom and How the Word is Passed by Clint Smith also blend memoir and history and the search for and interpretation of history.
– Heavy by Kiese Laymon is a really powerful memoir with excellent writing.
– Biography – The Woman Who Smashed Codes by Jason Fagone, about WWII codebreaker Elizabeth Smith. If you’re in the mood for a doorstopper biography, Walter Isaacson’s biography of Einstein is amazing (but I don’t see myself reading that post-surgery).
– Endurance: A Year in Space, A Lifetime of Discovery by Scott Kelly is a great memoir about Kelly’s path to becoming an astronaut and his year on the International Space Station.
– Essays – The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green, This Is The Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett, and The Fire This Time, an anthology edited by Jesmyn Ward.
Anon
+1 to Ghost in the Throat, an amazing book
Anon
Know My Name (SO good)
The Last Resort: A Chronicle of Paradise, Peril, and Profit at the Beach
Lion City (about Singapore)
Invisible Child—and if you like that, highly recommend Random Family as well, which is similarly reported and also about urban poverty.
The Fabric of Civilization (about textiles)
Anon
Islands of Abandonment, Cal Flyn
Origin: a genetic history of the Americas, Jennifer Raff
Gastronativism, Fabio Parasecoli
Entangled Life, Merlin Sheldrake
Debt: The First 5,000 Years, David Graeber
The Emperor of All Maladies, Siddhartha Mukherjee
NYNY
I loved Lauren Hough’s memoir/essays Leaving Isn’t the Hardest Thing. The content can be heavy – abuse, violence, substance abuse – but it’s also full of heart and laugh out loud funny and ultimately beautiful.
Anonymous
Early: An Intimate History of Premature Birth and What It Teaches Us About Being Human by Sarah DiGregorio
similarly,
Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born by Tina Cassidy
Anon
The Warmth of Other Suns. Reading this book was more impactful and perspective-shifting than any of the dozen or more unconscious bias, IDI, cultural competency, etc. trainings I’ve participated in over the past couple years. Remarkable and eye-opening.
Anon
I loved this one too!!
Senior Attorney
That book is amazing, as is Caste by the same author, Isabel Wilkerson.
Anon
If you like science, I really enjoyed The Dinosaur Artist and The Sixth Extinction. Fascinating reads that aren’t too “science-y”! For some US history, Poisoner-in-Chief, which is one of my all-time favorite non-fiction books, about the history of MKUltra, the CIA’s large-scale mind control project. Also Catch and Kill re breaking the Harvey Weinstein case.
anon
The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self (Carl Trueman) – it’s philosophy/political theory and not all of it resonated to me, but some of it really did.
Why Liberalism Failed (Patrick J. Deneen) – political theory, thought-provoking although overly pessimistic in a lot of ways. The “liberalism” here is classical liberalism, not liberal/progressive politics, btw.
Adriatic (Robert Kaplan) – travelogue/history, super interesting and makes you want to go sailing around the Balkans.
Anon
Ooh sailing in the Balkans is on our 2023 travel list, so I’m going to check this out.
Anon
+1 for Bad Blood
Also, Educated by Tara Westover in 2018 was an amazing read.
Anon
ISO a good cleaning service in the central Houston area (think Montrose/Heights area). Any recommendations? The person I currently have is reliable but simply not very good at her job – even my childcare has commented that I need a new cleaner because she’s not doing her job. Reasonably priced.
Anon
In September, I’ll be taking a flight that includes a layover in Paris from 11a to 9p. I’m treating this as a bonus day–I’ve never been to Paris and would love to explore for a few hours. How would you spend the day?
Anon
First of all, it isn’t as much time as you think. It takes an hour easily to clear customs, the airport is an hour from the city, and you really should be back at the airport around 6 pm for a 9 pm flight, especially if you have checked luggage (I once almost missed a flight at CDG after arriving 2.5 hours in advance). So you’ll probably only looking at ~1-5 pm in the city.
Some of my favorite things in Paris are Jardin du Luxembourg, Tuileries, Musee d’Orsay and walking along the Seine in nice weather.
Anonymous
Depending on traffic & where in the city you are trying to get to, it’s not uncommon for the trip into the city to be 1.5-2h.
Anon
Good points, thanks! It looks like the RER is a good option to get into the city, and hopefully that would free me from traffic issues. Any experience there?
Anonymous
RER will still probably take you 1.5 hours – but the time will be more reliable. As a point of reference, it was 3.5 hours from arriving at the gate to my hotel when travelled to Paris in May.
If you do take the RER, I’d recommend picking a destination which is on the same line, so you don’t lose more time on changing trains etc.
Anon
Yeah, RER is longer than the fastest car trips but far shorter than the longest car trips. I’d say it’s a good bet.
Anon
you could take the RER B from the airport to Saint Michel, and walk along the Seine. Going west might be the more interesting direction – you pass by some impressive buildings including the Musée d’Orsay. If you planned carefully you might have time to go in it and see some paintings (that’s where the largest collection of Impressionists is). Or ride the RER to Luxembourg and walk around the garden and neighboring streets. My feeling is that that kind of neighborhood is more interesting/agreeable than the Champs Elysées type area which is impressive but everything is so spread out that you get less of a sense of the city.
Sunflower
See this recent article in the Washington Post : “How to leave the airport and explore a city during a layover”
https://www.washingtonpost.com/travel/tips/airport-layover-istanbul-travel/
Anon
I would walk down the Champs Elysees to the Place de La Concorde, then walk along the Seine, crossing the bridges (ponts) from the right back to the left bank as you please. I’d definitely walk across one of the bridges to the Ile de La Cite, where you can see Notre Dame and Sainte-Chapelle.
Along this route you will see the Arc de Triomphe, views of the Eiffel Tower, you will pass by the Louvre and the Musee D’Orsay and see the famous Seine and bridges, as well as Notre Dame and Sainte-Chapelle. You probably won’t have time to tour anything but you’ll see a lot in a short period of time.
Wear your walking shoes!
Shelle
Someone please correct me if I’m wrong but I have a memory of the Eiffel Tower being relatively out of the way if your time is limited. If it’s not your life’s dream to go to the top, you can get nice views of it without having to walk right up to it, and it isn’t directly next to other short list “must see” places.
Anon
I agree with planning on spending the afternoon walking along the seine. I’d take the RER to Notre Dame and then plan on walking east. Can walk past the louvre and jardins Tuileries. I personally wouldn’t bother walking all the way up to Arc de Triumphe but just far enough that you can see it (it’s a straight shot) and then head to the Eiffel Tower/trocadero. That’s about 3 miles and then you can RER back to the blue line then airport.
Anonymous
Easy:
RER B to les Halles.
From there it’s walking distance to the Pompidou centre, the Louvre and the d’Orsay museum or the Notre Dame (outside only). Walk around in this area, and go inside and enjoy ONE of them. Pre-book ticket.
Don’t bother with the Eiffel Tower or Champs E.
Make sure not to have too much luggage or look too much like a tourist. Of all the places the I’ve been, Paris has the most aggressive pickpockets and con artist and it’s a good thing not to walk around like an easy mark.
More advanced:
RER B to Gare du Nord.
Walk up to the Sacre Ceur on Montmartre (or combo walking and metro).
Lovely view, iconic Paris moment.
Have a coffee and and people watch.
Charles DG is a frustrating and dull airport, so don’t expect things going smoothly at the airport. Expect at least 6 of your 10 hours being about the airport and getting to city centre and back. Even so, four hours in Paris is lovely, you’ll have a great time!
Probate Sale
Does anyone have experience buying a house that was a probate sale? We found a house we really like and think the extra hurdles could be worth it, but not sure if we’re completely overlooking something. In California, if it makes a difference.
Anon
I’m not in California but does this just mean the seller is the executor of an estate? In my experience, the process can be smoother because the estate is very eager to sell since the property is vacant and may be quick to give credits because they are not making any repairs. The executor has their own life, home to maintain, family, full time job, etc, so no time to hire professionals to make repairs.
Anon
Apparently in California, bidders can come in and outbid you during the court approval process. You bid; you win; you put down a deposit; the court approves the sale; if someone comes in with a higher bid during that proceeding, you can raise your bid even more, or you lose the house.
Anon
URGENT QUESTION: Best 2022 dishwasher? Current one is broken and will cost the price of a new dishwasher (plus a week or more to order parts) to fix. OK if there is a comma in the price. Want to know the good options so we can pick from whatever is in stock in my city (assuming one can buy appliances — can you? Had not had this shopping endeavor on my 2022 Bingo list).
If it matters: I usually run a full dishwasher every night (both drawers), so the ones with separate drawers would not lead to fewer loads overall or any sort of efficiency (family, try to do home cooking daily, washing of lunch containers, etc.).
Anon
This seems like the perfect time to check out Consumer Reports or Wirecutter.
Curious
I think they recommended Bosch, which we got and like, though it doesn’t use heat to dry, so things often go on the drying rack before we put them away.
Senior Attorney
I feel like the best one at this point is the one you can get. We had the same issue with our outdoor fridge and ended up just getting it fixed.
Appliances
Every appliance I’ve gotten from Costco online has been durable. They deliver and set up. Easy.
Walnut
I love my Askos. (And yes, I have two dishwashers. We use 80 bajillion cups a day.)
Senior Attorney
So jealous! If I had my kitchen to do over again I’d totally include a second dishwasher!
Walnut
It’s worth it! I have a full kosher kitchen and it is everything I didn’t know I needed in life.
Mouse
From multiple sources been told that any Bosch is great – all have the same tech, just more/less features based on the model. Our new one is a lower-end Bosch and it’s great.
Anon
Hate, hate hate my Bosch. Cleans great and is super quiet, but useless if you use anything besides flat plates. You waste a ton of space trying to fit in bowls. I have one of the higher-end models with the upper silverware drawer. I can fit in maybe 6 normal-sized soup bowls on the bottom rack.
Curious
It’s true — they’re not good for bowls on the bottom rack. We tend to put them on the middle rack.
Walnut
Asko > Bosch. The interior layout is epically better.
KS IT Chick
Anything you can get that will fit what you put in it. I was about to buy a Bosch several years ago, but something about the interior bugged me. We were at one of the big box home improvement stores that sells all sorts of things, so I grabbed a cutting board off the shelf to see if it would fit. The interior tub was about an inch to short!
anonmi
We just got the KitchenAid KDTM804 and it’s amazing. Great at both washing and drying, and the light inside it is very nice.
anon
Miele, the fanciest model that doesn’t come internet-enabled.
Miele is know for lasting a long time (making $/year lower even though it’s expensive up front) and the dishwasher does a great job. So much better than my previous Bosch.