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Anonymous
Any resources for becoming a stepmom? My boyfriend wants to get married – his daughter is early elementary. Im a reader and thinker and I know I can’t prepare for everything, but I don’t have any close friends who have stepparent relationships and my only family went through this 20+ years ago… so I don’t know how different the world is with cell phones, etc.
Anon
Stepmonster book by Tuesday [forgot her last name] I thought was very good.
Monday
The author is Wednesday Martin! (I enjoy people named for days of the week.)
I read it and recommend it as a stepparent. I will say that it sometimes seems to target a reader who is much younger than her husband and who doesn’t have a job? And who may be stuck in charge of discipline because the kids’ dad doesn’t want to be the bad guy? These aspects of it made me feel like we were already doing great in the fact that I’m not a trophy wife and he is still actually raising his kids.
Anon
I see what you did there.
Agree on the book. I work FT. Stepson was 8 when I started being somewhat in the picture (to him, as opposed to being a person who was around when he wasn’t) and 9 when we got married. His mom was a nightmare but he is a good kid (adult now). I tried to leave a lot of time/space for him and his dad to do things together and was basically there a lot for fantastic dinners on his nights/weekends with us (food is important!). Otherwise, I tried to stay in my lane and leave the parenting to my husband (and I was more of the Fun Bonus Adult who was not going to bring the drama or stir the non-food pot). It’s a hard balance and was made harder IMO by my husband making a lot of rookie mistakes with a high-drama ex that I wasn’t really able to change unilaterally (sort of using kid as negotiating pawn, that sort of thing). As an adult, I think he can see now how things really are. Also, I didn’t try to encroach on things that bio parents do (moving kid into college) but did a lot of extra things (two birthday parties, dinner and lots of gift cards on a non-game weekend AFTER you move into college with some of the friends / roommates).
Anon
I’m in the thick of it with an 8 and 11 year old and this is basically my MO so it’s nice to read this from someone who’s further down the road!
Amberwitch
I basically did the same – made sure there was food on the table and clothes etc. Made sure we went on nice trips and vacations. But left the actual parenting and logistics to the parents.
One of the things I think are important to consider is resource inequality and how to handle that. If the other parent is single, and maybe not as big an earner, even with a generous support agreement in place it is good not to create an asymmetry where dad and new spouse has the time and resources to do all the fun stuff, and other parent can’t ‘compete’.
Anon
You might ask on the mom’s s1te also – there are several step-moms there.
Monday
When I was looking for resources I also found fairly little. The advice column Ex-Etiquette is mostly about dealing with the other biological parent (your partner’s ex) but it looks like the authors also published a book which was well-received.
My 2 cents: don’t marry him unless you think he’s an amazing father who could do a great job on his own. You do NOT want to be arguing with his parenting choices (or at least, not major ones) or feel like you need to save the situation. You should be able to simply be the Fun One virtually all the time. You can add love, support, encouragement, insight, etc. but the fundamentals and discipline should be locked down by him already to set you up for success.
Me
I don’t know that I agree with this. I married DH when his child was 7 years old; Child is now 15. I don’t think DH is an amazing father, although that could be because I think I had an amazing father. DH is a good father who loves his child but is not terribly connected.
My approach, which has worked very well for us, is to remember that this child is not my child. Child is DH’s and ex’s child. I make zero parenting decisions or suggestions. Do I imagine that I might make different choices for this child? Yes. Are the parents perfectly capable and entitled to make the choices that they do? Yes. Therefore, I say nothing. I have almost no relationship with DH’s ex-wife. When we see each other, which is not often, we have light small talk, which is perfectly pleasant and completely fluffy. I don’t suggest that DH tell his ex certain things or that they communicate differently (although sometimes it is so very tempting because their systems seem very inefficient to me). DH is responsible for arranging child’s transport, what child will eat when at our house, what they will do together on their weekends, etc. This minimizes the fact that DH, ex, and child are not people who plan and I am; they decide everything about an hour before it happens, which would make me insane. I remind myself that these are not my issues. We eat dinners together on our weekends and sometimes the three of us do stuff together but often I already have other obligations by the time they formulate a plan for what they want to do, in which case they do it without me, which is great too. I think the primary concern is that DH and child spend time together.
I’m fortunate that the child is an absolutely lovely person with whom I get along well, although I would not say we have a deep relationship. I’m happy to see child every other weekend. We text a couple of times a week and chat when child is at our house; I think child likes me and the feeling is mutual. But if neither of us saw one another ever again, that also would probably be fine for each of us.
With all of this said, the added element of the child has been a lot harder than I expected. And it has nothing to do with this particular child because this child is lovely; it’s just the dynamics related to step-parenting.
roxie
I appreciate this comment. I once got pilloried on this site for daring to imply that my step kid (not technically a step kid since partner and I chose not to marry but same thing) is not someone I parent, cater to, or in whom I take a particularly deep interest. I think people have a LOT of ideas about the roles of step moms – perhaps even more than actual moms – and it is way more complicated than that. I agree the dynamics are challenging and while I think my partner is a fine dad I don’t think he is amazing by any means – but then again, I’m not a parent so who am I to judge?
OP, I mostly employ the “nacho” method (google that and The Atlantic for a great overview) and I HIGHLY recommend you and potential spouse get on the same page about your role and how it looks both in theory and practice. Will you take on a parenting role? including discipline? what if you and spouse have a difference of opinion in that – who wins? IME the dad doesn’t quite see the same things I see (I truly think parents have blind spots that enable them to love their children unconditionally; as a step, you have no such blind spot and it causes lots of defensiveness if you raise issues or behaviors that your spouse doesn’t see or chooses not to see) and I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut, The number one rule of NACHOing is you can’t care more than the parent. So, kid is unprepared for back to school and no one else seems concerned? Not my job to take that on – I cant care more than any of them so I don’t. It’s a process.
In my case I am very much childfree by choice and don’t want to live with a kid but am willing to accept that the price of admission for being with my amazing partner is that we have his kid every other week. She likes me and we have fun when I engage, but I am not here to be her best friend or an extra parent. This mostly works for us but every step mom and partner has to figure out their own unique blending rules.
Anon
I tried to find the thread you’re referencing and couldn’t, but as I recall what you were saying went way beyond the ‘nacho’ method, and made it sound like you had little interest in having a relationship with your partner’s minor child.
I think there is a big difference between saying a step-parent isn’t a parent and should leave discipline and parenting decisions to the two biological parents (which I agree with as a general rule, and is, as I understand it, the main point of ‘nacho’) and saying a step parent can ignore a child living in their house.
Anon
My biggest advice is that as a stepmom a lot of things that would be slightly more about you in a standard marriage are very much Not About You in a blended family. For example, how we did our wedding was entirely driven not by my mental image of how I’d get married, but by what would make my future stepkids happy and comfortable (while being fairly acceptable to me). My husband and I didn’t have free rein to establish holiday traditions, bc there were traditions his kids were already used to. Etc. You have to be ready to put the kids first as if you were their biological parent, because if you don’t you’re often implicitly asking their dad not to either.
It’s not easy but I’ve never been so happy.
roxie
“You have to be ready to put the kids first as if you were their biological parent” – I have a longer comment in mod but I could not disagree more with this.
Kids needs come first but not their wants in my household. So this is very much one of those YMMV and each couple needs to prepare what works for you — this is not a hard and fast rule.
anon
“as if you were their biological parent” – if you would put your biological child first in that circumstance, you put your stepchild first. Not “always put the kid first.”
Anon
Oof it sounds really to be a kid in a house like that, and as a parent I judge any parent who would follow this “method.”
Anon
If you expect to have children with BF, your role will be significantly more complicated than if you and he are not having children together. When there are yours and his, conflict is inevitable. Most of the advice above (with which I largely agree) comes from the standpoint of step-moms who do not have children with the dad. We have joint kids, but I also eventually took the position that I was not a mom; I wasn’t a bonus mom; I was his dad’s wife. Life was much easier after I got to that point, although several family members (his and mine) thought I was a terrible person for doing so. Things to consider, assuming you are going to have joint children: (1) how will you handle inheritance? It seemed unfair for me for SK to get a full share of our joint assets as well as a full inheritance from his mom, so we were going with giving him a half-share (he has since died, so most of these are now moot points for me); (2) if your BF does not have custody, will SK always have a devoted bedroom in your home even if it means your joint kids have to double up or you have to buy a bigger house to accommodate the extra bedroom; (3) if you do not have custody, are you open to that in the future? (4) how are you going to feel when he spends thousands on a custody battle or on child support? (5) even if you do not combine finances, child support in a lot of states is crazy high, considering that the non-custodial spouse still has to maintain living space for the child (see #2 above), so it will affect how much your husband can contribute to joint expenses, including your joint kids.
Step-momming is a lot of downside and not much upside from the kid. The upside is all from the dad. So consider whether you want to be with him that badly; expect no upside from having a bonus kid (a term I despite), and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.
Amberwitch
Agree on the joint child versus step child dynamics. I would not have chosen my husband and his children (because that is what it is, you are not choosing a mate, you are choosing a mate and all their entanglements – and they don’t come more entangled that children) if I had in any way or shape wanted children myself.
The potential for conflicts, the resource and time constraints would be too much.
Anonymous
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is a helpful book for understanding divorced family issues.
Sybil
I’m being wooed by social media ads – has anyone tried Pact? I like the look of their airplane joggers.
Nyc
I’ve ordered their children clothing. Cotton was soft and thick. Otherwise unremarkable
Monday
I have Pact sleep shorts, sweatshorts, and sweatpants. I’m very pleased with them because I want 100% cotton with good quality. I have never bought any of their blend fabric items.
Anon
I like their t shirts – thick cotton. Seem to be good quality. They sell them at the Whole Foods in my area.
NYNY
I started shopping Pact this summer, and have been really impressed. I will note that things tend to run long – their fit model is *a lot* taller than 5’4″ me – so keep that in mind. Nice quality fabrics & construction, simple styles, fair trade, organic, and surprisingly inexpensive for the quality. I got a casual dress and some wide-leg pants that have been workhorses this summer!
Anon
If you have a Whole Food nearby, they carry Pact clothing in my local stores.
Anon
I’m an heiress! Of the following items: various doilies; Madame Alexander dolls and boxes (I am told that the boxes will help make them v. valuable; reminds me of the Beanie Baby craze); Hummel and Byer’s Choice figurines.
I can put the doilies in a drawer. The other items: how best to offload? List on e-bay for something like $10 each + shipping just to get rid of?
Will instruct my heirs to do a Viking funeral with whatever I own (which will not be all this, other than the doilies) when I go.
Clementine
On doilies – I like layering several of them over a solid tablecloth for a cool effect for events. I framed a few (handmade ones) that were really cool with cheap glass on front and on back frames from the craft store and they look really funky and interesting.
(But yeah… who does ‘collectibles’ like this anymore?!?)
Anon
Haha my teen daughter got a couple of Hummel figurines when my mom died and she still has them. They’re not exactly her style (which is more natural/witchy) but they remind her of grandma and that’s why she keeps them.
Any relatives who are similarly sentimental in your family?
Senior Attorney
I have seen all these things on etsy. If you don’t want to sell them yourselves, you might want to reach out to somebody who is a volume seller and see if they will buy them from you cheap. (Also: Byer’s Choice OMG.)
Senior Attorney
Or my favorite: Donate and take the tax deduction.
Anon
SA: this is my usual route, but the local places won’t take the dolls because they are “toys.”
And now I have a question: whatever happens to those Franklin Mint collectible plates? I knew someone once investing in them for their retirement. Logic was not helpful in this situation. Luckily the person also had a government pension, so not out there in the breadlines.
Senior Attorney
Ok, this is nuts, but how about donating them to a nonprofit daycare or similar?
Flats Only
I feel like somewhere in the distant past boomers were sold a bill of goods that all their furniture and collectible plates/dolls/etc. would be valuable, or at least that they could be passed to grateful future generations. Obviously a marketing ploy, and I feel bad that now they’re stuck unloading all this stuff for no $ or just having it taken to the dump. I often wonder what thing Gen X is doing that will appear idiotic in hindsight.
KS IT Chick
If you are my family, they go to a thrift store. My aunt who passed away in February had piles of those plates still in their shipping boxes in her little apartment.
I swear that HSN and QVC operators are trained to be a sympathetic ear to lonely people and convince them to buy more stuff.
Anon
WHY do things like Byer’s Choice exist?! It’s like Trolls for adults (and this stuff isn’t cheap!).
Anonymous
I have never heard of Byer’s Choice. Just looked them up — why do they all look so surprised!?
Senior Attorney
They can’t believe anybody would every spend money on them!
Anon
A lot if them sell new for $80 apiece so you ought to be able to sell them if you want to deal with the hassle.
My grandmother had a huge collection of plates and figurines, (nothing to do with thinking they would be valuable – she decorated with them – I think it was definitely a 1950s design aesthetic; I used to love to be “allowed” to dust them when I was young) and we sold them for a couple of thousand dollars, bought some lovely champagne, had dinner at a winery, and toasted her memory.
The Byers Choice Christmas decorations were something else. She had a whole village!
Anonymous
My MIL has a whole village full of those carolers that she puts out at Christmas. I think they were sold to the generation a little younger than the Hummel generation as a classier, artsier collectible. I love her but hope we don’t end up with any of those things if she ever downsizes her house.
All of the cr@p my parents and in-laws accumulated has turned me into a minimalist. In turn, my teenager has rebelled against my minimalism by accumulating a bunch of stuff. I will never escape it.
The Body Keeps Score
I asked about prolonged exposure therapy last week (thank you for the thoughts, everyone!), and Curious recommended The Body Keeps The Score. My therapist had also recommended that book, so this was the tap I needed to go ahead and get it.
I inhaled it over the weekend, including taking so many notes. I haven’t felt so seen… ever! And the book had long chapters with actual recommendations for how to heal.
Note that it is for trauma survivors and does have some stories in it that could be triggering, but I would take a break if I needed. Can’t recommend this book highly enough! Thanks for the push, and this is my PSA for anyone who sees yourself in the description.
Explorette
Ordered, thanks for the push!
Curious
I’m so glad! I’m still working through it and impressed at your pace. Isn’t it just amazing? The insights on calming down the body and restoring the parasympathetic nervous system and social connection blew my mind.
ELS
In case anyone was like me and had a hard time actually reading this one (trauma triggers): the author also reads it in audiobook form. I was able to listen to snippets while I was out and about, and found that to be an easier way for me to absorb this one in particular, though I’m an avid reader generally.
Curious
Huh, I might try this. That’s part of why I’m finding it slow going.
Anonymous
I need book recommendations for an upcoming vacation. I’m a big fantasy/sci-fi fan (more toward the fantasy than sci-fi), including YA fantasy. Favorite author is Brandon Sanderson. I’ve read a ton of the usual suspects (Game of Thrones, Terry Pratchett’s stuff, Neil Gaiman’s stuff, Dune, pretty much all the YA fantasy, Wheel of Time, etc.). Recent books/series I liked: Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse books, S. A. Chakraborty’s Daevabad Trilogy, Alix E. Harrow’s books. Recentish books I thought were only ok that are frequently recommended: NK Jemisin’s The Fifth Season, Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series. Not opposed to non-fantasy recs, either (recent non-fantasy things I’ve read and enjoyed: Seabiscuit, Where the Crawdads Sing). Suggestions?
KJ
The Expanse
Cb
What about the St Mandel books – the glass hotel and sea of tranquility? I also read the actual star and aside from weird gardening, it was good
Anon
Big +1 to Glass Hotel and Sea of Tranquility. Loved them both.
Senior Attorney
Second all these. And start, of course, with Station Eleven if you haven’t had the pleasure already. (And the author is Emily St. John Mandel.)
Also I loved Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.
Anon
And Station Eleven! One of my favourite books of all time.
AIMS
Sea of Tranquility (same author) is also great.
Anon
Just as a counterpoint, Station Eleven is one of my favorite books ever, but I’ve read all of her other books and didn’t think any of the rest were more than fine. I liked Sea of Tranquility is the best of the others. I highly recommend Station Eleven if you haven’t read it, though, and I really liked the tv series as well.
Anon
And I’m the opposite – loved Glass Hotel and Sea of Tranquility, but Station Eleven didn’t do it for me.
I think Glass hotel and Sea of Tranquility are more fantasy/sci-fi-ish than Station Eleven, which is probably why they were recommended originally.
Panda Bear
Station Eleven!
Anonymous
Robin Hobb,
Kristin Cashore,
Mercedes Lackey (valdemar series), Dragon Riders of Pern by Anne Mcaffrey, Marie Brennan (A Natural History of Dragons),
Anon
For reference, I’ve read and liked almost all of books you listed, including the ones you didn’t like!
A few SF/F suggestions: The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George R. R. Martin, Lock In by John Scalzi, Rainbow Rowell’s Simon Snow books, Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler, The Ministry for the Future by Kim Stanley Robinson (kinda heavy for vacation, but good if you’re interested in climate change), The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal (the other books in this series are actually better, but the whole series is good), The Doomsday Book
and To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis.
Other suggestions: The Diamond Eye by Kate Quinn, The Christie Affair by Nina de Gramont, The Violin Conspiracy by Brendan Slocumb (if you like classical music- if you don’t this one might not appeal), Forbidden City by Vanessa Hua, The Other Black Girl by Zakiya Dalila Harris, Gold Diggers by Sanjena Sathian.
Anonymous
The Bear and the Nightingale was great and is the first of a trilogy of books.
Is it Friday yet?
I think we have similar taste, including the mehs. I’ve recently read and loved the Winternight trilogy by Katherine Arden, The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, the Folk of the Air trilogy by Holly Black, the Queen’s Thief books by Megan Whalen Turner (the first one is super simple but they get increasingly complex and good), the Raven Cycle and Dreamer trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater, and Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells. I also thought the Temeraire books were just ok and was dragoned out by the end of the third book – but LOVED the Scholomance books, and really liked Uprooted, and Spinning Silver. Garth Nix’s Old Kingdom books and Tamora Pierce’s Tortall books if somehow you haven’t read them yet. If you haven’t read any Sarah J Maas yet, there’s a reason they’re so popular – they’re objectively not great but somehow I couldn’t put any of them down, haha, great vacation reads just don’t think about the plots too hard.
Vicky Austin
+1 – SJM would be perfect for your vacay, OP. (Somehow here I am recommending them for the second time in one day, oy.)
Curious
But you’re right, SJM would be perfect. And I agreed earlier today, too. We are our own two person echo chamber. (any.do is great; thank you for the rec)
Vicky Austin
YAY! So glad it works for you!
BB
I also LOVED Scholomance and Uprooted and Spinning Silver, so good to know I should skip the Temeraire ones! Can’t wait for the final Scholomance book in a month!
I’m also sort of meh on Murderbot but keep reading them for some reason.
Anonymous
If you’re up for zombie, Sarah Lyons Flemming is WONDERFUL. Start with her first 3-book series, then the city series and only then most recent.
Anon
Loved the Grishaverse, and YA fantasy is my favorite.
Just finished Half a Soul, which is regency fantasy (so Jane Austen + fairies?)
Have you read TJ Klune – The House in the Cerulean Sea, Under the Whispering Door, and The Extraordinaries (2 books out of a 3 book series involving q u e e r teen superheroes, with a lot of heart)
Have you read all of Tamora Pierce’s Tortall books?
Akata Witch series (wizarding universe set in Nigeria)
An.On.
Murderbot series by Martha Wells
Black Sun/Fevered Star (book three isn’t out yet) by Rebecca Roanhorse
Year of the Reaper, by Maciia Lucier
Epic Crush of Genie Lo/Iron Will of Genie Lo, by F.C. Yee
Curse of Chalion – Lois McMaster Bujold
Anon
Sherwood Smith, Try Crown Duel or something I forget with Princess in the title. Kristin Cashore (Graceling, Fire, etc). Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson. Rebel of the Sands by Alwyn Hamilton. Flame in the Mist by Renee Adieh.
Anonymous
OP here–Crown Duel is actually one of my favorite books ever. Sherwood Smith is underappreciated in YA fantasy.
Anonymous
Thanks, everyone! Keep them coming. And yes, I have read all the Tortall books and Pern books, which were both sort of my intro into the fantasy world (at quite frankly probably younger than I should have been reading the Pern books, in retrospect…)
Curious
Hahahaha yes. We were sitting at the McDonald’s near the library after school, and my mom asks, “wait, does that book have sex in it?”
I think I was 13. Pern was great, okay? Those creepy thread things.
Greensleeves
Loving so many of these recommendations! I would add The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. It’s sci fi, but also a fascinating look at what can go wrong when two species with entirely different worldviews meet. You might also enjoy Cloud Cuckoo Land.
Anon
I’m not a big trigger warning person but Cloud Cuckoo Land covers a number of very triggering subjects (being deliberately vague to avoid spoilers). I couldn’t get through it. Just too hard for me to read in the current environment. I would not recommend it for a vacation read.
BB
Jay Kristoff: Nevernight chronicles (trilogy is done) or Empire of the Vampire (only the first one is out). The Library at Mount Char. The Sleeping Giants series by Sylvan Neuvel. Samantha Shannon’s Bone Season series (4 out of 7 books available).
Senior Attorney
Oh, I loved the Sleeping Giants!
Anne-on
If you liked Sleeping Giants check out the Rook and Stiletto by Daniel O’Malley, it has a similar mystery feel – the 3rd in the series is coming out this year!
buffybot
I really liked Novik’s Scholomance series (well, the first two that are out), more than her other stuff. Silvia Moreno Garcia is an option (liked Gods of Jade and Shadow best). Strange the Dreamer? (have not read the rest of the series). Have you done Judith Merkel Riley? I think Oracle Glass was my favorite of hers.
Anon
+1 to everything by Laini Taylor (Strange the Dreamer and Daughter of Smoke and Bone series)
Anne-on
+1 to Novik’s other books being better. I have a LONG list in mod – check back!
BB
OMG and I forgot to mention Seanan McGuire! If you like YA-leaning fantasy, either Middlegame or the Wayward Children books are great!
Anonymous
For some unknown reason, Swordspoint and Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner has stuck with me for years even though there’s very little magic in the books but I felt the world building was strong.
I try not to recommend male authors, but the Codex Alera series by Jim Butcher might fit the bill for high fantasy sword and sorcery world building with a kinda regimented magic system if you haven’t read it already.
AIMS
My two big YA fantasy recommendations are Garth Nix and the Abhorsen books and Sarah Ash’s Tears of Artamon series.
Curious
Well, this looks like it’ll keep you, but just in case, here is my running list of Corporette book recommendation threads:
https://corporette.com/paperless-towels/
https://corporette.com/dominique-dress/#comment-4107623
https://corporette.com/relaxed-herringbone-blazer/#comments
https://corporette.com/carine-tweed-blazer/#comment-4134830
https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-521/#comment-4160366 (historical fiction)
https://corporette.com/devon-twill-skirt/#comment-4164074
https://corporette.com/wednesdays-workwear-report-cocoon-coatigan-sweater/
Anonymous
Not op, but thank you!
Anne-on
Ohh, this is my preferred genre so mining this for suggestions! I strongly preferred Naomi Novik’s non-Temeraire series, something about the dragon/rider dynamic squicked me out – Uprooted is my personal favorite, but the Deadly Education series are great.
Urban fantasy – the Seanan McGuire Incryptid series is light and fun with pretty satisfying world building – her other books are much more dense, these are easier to dip in/out of and the POV characters change which is fun.
Lighter fantasy – Ilona Andrews Innkeepers series (moderately racy, but not overly scandalous – pick up the hidden legacy ones for the racier stuff)
Cozy found family fantasy – Becky Chambers Monk and Robot duology or the Wayfairers series (can be read as standalones!)
I assume you read the Night Circus and the Starless Sea?
Lighter Queer Fantasy – The House on the Cerulean Sea
Competence fantasy -(all ends well and ppl are good at their jobs!) Legends and Lattes, the Adventures of Constance Verity, the Case Files of Henri Davenforth
Amberwitch
Regency fantasy:
Sorcery and Cecelia or The Enchanted Chocolate Pot (YA)
Parasol Protectorate starting with Soulless (Steampunk with vampires and werewolves)
Finishing School starting with Etiquette and Espionage: Number 1 in series (YA set in the same universe as Parasol Protectorate)
A marvellous light (Gay romance)
Karen Memory (Steampunk, minor lesbian romance, new world)
The magpie lord (Gay romance)
Mairelon the Magician (YA)
CMS
Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy and other works by Laini Taylor
Second for Night Circus and Starless Sea
bub
Favorite 100 percent cotton pjs? Or cotton pj tops? I think modal fabric is contributing to my night sweats sadly.
Anon
Land’s End
Anon
Not 100% cotton but Soma cool nights are supposed to help with night sweats.
https://www.soma.com/store/product/Cool-Nights-Days-Pajama-Pants/2570311523?color=001&size=5175&CMP=csc_goog_pla&utm_content=autoag0000x16979439504&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3eeXBhD7ARIsAHjssr_N-fXCmg5pkZBlywqj8kAfR3sZyZpusBOrmoB7Y_9D9cdhnmZGKy4aAj5xEALw_wcB
anonok
Lake Pajamas!!!
bub
wow these are gorgeous. so expensive though!
Anon8
I’ve mentioned it here before but obsessed with the j crew cotton pajamas. No exaggeration I wear them every single night. Comfortable, cool, crisp. They show no signs of wear despite washing/drying for about a year. Obsessed.
bub
These were always my go-to but I’ve forgotten about the company these last few years.
Anonymous
My favorite pjs are a short sleeved / shorts set made of 100% cotton gauze that’s 3 sizes too big—super breezy and breathable! Unfortunately I cut off the tag and can’t remember if they’re from Muji or Uniqlo. Also have a beautiful shorts set from Garnet Hill.
Sorry if this is not super helpful since it doesn’t looks like either store currently carry gauze pjs…but perhaps keep your eyes out next spring?
Anonymous
Print fresh! Female owned and the sets are adorable. Always get compliments when I wear them on a weekend away with other couples.
Anonymity now
Can anyone provide input on traveling with gardening tools? I’m hoping to bring some on a work trip and don’t want to be called out at airport security.
Anon
What kind of tools? A normal vibrator is fine. If it’s like n!pple clamps or something more exotic that could potentially be seen as dangerous then it might be an issue.
ELS
This has been my experience. My run-of-the-mill tools have never caused an issue at TSA. Of course never say never, but I’ve never had to empty my bag to show it to TSA or anything.
Anonymous
Don’t put tools with lithium batteries in checked luggage.
Coach Laura
I read a funny anecdote once. A woman was travelling with gardening tools in her suitcase. To Russia. The suitcase started vibrating when she was going through Russian customs. It was suggested to remove the batteries/keep from being turned on in the suitcase.
Paging Stain-Removing Guru
I was refreshing shoes with deo shoe spray and ended up with a stain on my lightblue nubuck shoes [the nozzle was too close to the shoe and drenched the material in one spot]. I tried cleaning the stain using nubuck cleaner [Saphir] and while it cleaned the shoes overall, the stain is still there. Are they doomed?