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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
What a great tweed and fringe jacket this is! I'm kind of surprised that a) I can't find it at any of the many other places that carry Nic & Zoe (Amazon, Pendleton, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Lord & Taylor)… and b) that I can't find it in other sizes, because Nic & Zoe often makes pieces in both regular and plus sizes. Still: this is too gorgeous a blazer not to post. I think it's that rare tweed jacket that isn't too boxy or stiff, and instead is flattering and chic. Love. It's $208 at Nordstrom. (Ooh, here's a very similar one at Lord & Taylor in a wider size range.) Mixed Tweed Fringe Jacket
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Classic Dresses
I love the look of the classic looking dresses worn by Barbara on Shark Tank. Each is a solid color and on the conservative side. They’re incredibly simple and yet look gorgeous. Any ideas on what brand thee might be?
Conference call
Anyone want to talk to me about Polycoms vs. alternatives?
When someone can’t make an in-person meeting at a non-profit I’m involved with the staff sometimes tries to use a single phone or single cell phone on speaker. It doesn’t work well because there are often 10+ people in the room. I’m accustomed to Polycom setups at work, with one base and several mutable speakers. I’m wondering if there are better or cheaper alternatives to Polycoms that this organization should look into. Any suggestions?
BB
There are mini ones that connect to cell phones now, but not sure that would help with your needing several speakers. Either way, there’s definitely other brands of conferencing equipment out there that are probably more cost effective than the Polycom one.
Green Hat
There are plenty of large bluetooth speakers that also have microphones – see, e.g., https://www.amazon.com/Bluetooth-Speakers-Powerful-Speaker-Wireless/dp/B01MG5OZWF. I don’t have personal experience with any, but this seems like something you could easily find through Amazon. The only downside is that someone would have to pair their cellphone to the device.
the anti-conference call that turns out to be a real conference call
New Rule: if one person is dialing in, everyone has to dial in on their own line, on their own headphones. You’re trying to solve a people problem with technology, and really expensive technology at that.
Anon
Good morning! I am newly on the board of a nonprofit which I wholeheartedly support and with which I’ve volunteered for years. It’s a relatively new org, and the responsibilities of a board member are not really clearly articulated. I’d appreciate insight into what you think is entailed in such a board membership. It’s my first board member gig and I want to make sure I do right by the organization without over-committing. Thanks!
mascot
Are you a working board? Are you a fundraising board? Are you some combination? Most smaller non-profits are more of the former. When looking at board member contributions, think about time, talent, and treasure. You may have some board members who are able to volunteer and give man hours, other board members donate their talents (think lawyers, CPAs, etc) and some are really there for their connections and ability to bring in money to the org- either through fundraising or writing checks themselves. Again, though, it’s often a combination. Boards I have served on had written expectations for their members- such as the board expects its members to serve on a committee, attend 75% of board meetings, attend major fundraising events, and contribute $x annually. Board members also need to remember to stay in their own lane. I find that successful boards do a good job entrusting the executive director to handle the day to day operations of the company while the board focuses on stratetgic planning and fiduciary oversight. Micromanaging the executive director rarely ends well. There are a bunch of resources out there about successful board structure. Blue Avocado has some articles and there are various non-profit assocations as well.
Anon
This is super helpful. We are a working board in title (and that’s my “lane” of contribution) but I see a fast-growing need to become more of a combination working and fundraising board. Great point about micromanagement not ending well. Thanks!
Anonymous
Oversight. Make sure no one is embezzling. Ask questions about finance
Anonymous
make sure they have D&O insurance
anon
Not to derail the conversation- but how did you get on the nonprofit board? This is one of my near-term career objectives
Anon
(Not the OP) What are you going to contribute to the Board? Figure out what you can bring – man hours, professional talent, network/contributions, or a combination.
Also, do you have a specific Board/org in mind? Research to find local options and get to know their missions, understand what causes you connect with and support. It doesn’t hurt to volunteer or offer pro-bono services to start to get your name out there, and build your non-profit experience and credibility. Non-profits are almost all dysfunctional in some way, which can be jarring even if you’re used to the dysfunction in Corporate America. It’s best to know what you’re getting into and understand if you can work with that particular org’s flavor of dysfunction.
Then start to have conversations with EDs or other Board members, asking about how they elect new members, on what timing, and with what credentials. Ask what kind of time and money commitments are involved. Specifically say you’d love to join them, if that’s the case, and ask what you would need to show to be elected. You might need to serve on a subcommittee or junior board first, or they might have some other requirements before you can be elected.
anon
Our city has a couple board training programs that connect interested new members to orgs. Search Get on Board. I think this might by a national program.
OP
I’ve been a volunteer for several years with this org, and sort of accidentally worked my way into a leadership position which made me a natural fit for a board member position. I honestly think it’s a bit of a crapshoot – I happened to get involved with an org that was just sort of taking off and that needed the skills and enthusiasm that I had to offer, but also happened to be pretty well run. I’m pretty young for a board member (20 years or so behind everyone else) and probably wouldn’t have looked like a good fit on paper. But since the “powers that be” knew me and what I had to offer they didn’t care about that. So basically I’d say jump in and volunteer with a cause that fits you – if you don’t like the org or aren’t comfortable with how it’s run, find another one (I did this too). Hope this is sort of helpful!
ohc
Jumping in as a young board member: boards do better (and feel better about themselves) when they have age diversity (and all other kinds of diversity), so for both OP and anon at 10:22, don’t feel like you have to be at a certain phase of your career in order to be an impactful board member. (Obviously, some orgs expect a certain giving threshold from their board members, which can be more achievable for those at later stages of earning, but even that can often be adjusted for the right board member.)
January
Does your org have bylaws or other org docs? If so, I would also review those.
Sunflower
I found the American Bar Association’s book called Guidebook for Directors of Non-Profit Corporations a practical and helpful resource. Link to follow.
Sunflower
https://shop.americanbar.org/eBus/Store/ProductDetails.aspx?productId=214005
OP
That’s perfect, thanks!
Jules
I agree with Mascot’s comments, having cycled on and off the board of a nonprofit that has grown considerably in the last 20 years.
But can we please all change “man hours” to “labor hours?”
Diana Barry
Gahhhhhhh! Just found out that Neutrogena changed the formula of the deep clean cream cleanser and the new one smells weird and isn’t the same consistency.
So now I need a new face wash. What are your recs for a face wash, drugstore pricing/availability, good for normal skin (slightly combination)? I am almost 40, use retin-a for anti-aging, don’t usually get acne or redness.
Monday
Pond’s Cold Cream Cleanser. Also removes makeup well.
anon
+1
I am in my 40’s, and recently started this after a recommendation from this board. My winter skin was getting particularly dry. I also use retin-a.
My skin feels nice after using it. Removes make-up well. It’s kind of a double cleanse in one, and has an oil base despite being a cream. I also no longer need to apply my moisturizer after applying my retin-a at night.
Nice not having to buy two cleansing products to get the oil cleanse benefit… Actually, it replaces 3 products for me.
Anon
+2 cleaning with cold cream at night has changed my skin dramatically. I haven’t had flaky, dry skin in two years.
mascot
Similar skin and age here. I double cleanse at night. Banila Clean It Zero Purity for the oil cleanser (buy from Amazon, one tub lasts me a while) followed by CeraVe liquid cleanser. If my skin is feeling dryer than normal, I skip the CeraVe.
Sunshine
+1 on both the Banila and the CeraVe.
Anonymous
Cerave. Cheap, great reviews, works great.
Anonymous
+1. This is a long time staple for me. Rinses clean, but doesn’t strip, not oily, and is gentle on my late-40s Retin-A treated skin,
Anonymous
This post just inspired me to restock on my favorite, miraculous facial cleanser, which is generally available on Prime, only to discover it’s sold out… Queue panic and rationing attempts.
Anony Mouse
Trader Joe’s Nourish All-in-One Facial Cleanser is my go-to ($6). I also like Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash ($10).
cake batter
+1 love the Trader Joe’s cleanser. Very gentle but removes light eye makeup. And cheap!
Frozen Peach
Cetaphil.
Anon
Neutrogena Ultra Gentle Daily Cleanser – Creamy Formula.
Diana Barry
Thx all!
Anonymous
Cerave hydrating or Glossier Milky Jelly
Marshmallow
+1 Cerave hydrating, or if you can get it, Bioderma sensibio gel cleanser
Edna Mazur
Have you tried the orange Neutrogena bar? I’ve been using it for years and like it.
anon.
Purpose.
Anon
Has anyone purchased anything from Zazzle? I’ve got my eye on a Oprah for president coffee mug that I’d like to give as a gift to my MIL if the quality is decent…
Anonymous
Yeah I’ve used Zazzle for custom-made gifts. The quality is fine. Not amazing but reasonable for the price.
Anon
Thanks!
Cherry Bomb
+1
Senior Attorney
Ha, didn’t some us us get our Just Say Fooey And Move On mugs at Zazzle some years ago? I bought 8 of them to stock my new apartment after I left my husband in early 2013. Over the years I’ve given several of them as gifts and I still have a few.
Good times, man. Good times.
January
I did! Still have mine :)
Anon
It looks like there are also some options on Etsy. I won’t link for fear of going into limbo, but if you search for “Oprah” and sort for newest items, I see several mugs.
Snow Day Emails
What is your company policy re: deadlines when the company shuts down for a snow day? We recently closed for snow on a Friday that coincided with a few internal deadlines. When we came back Monday, it turned out that some people had done work from home Friday to meet the deadlines while others hadn’t even done so much as check their email during the closure. To complicate matters, both of these groups included salaried as well as hourly employees. On Monday, some supervisors were concerned that the hourly employees had put the company in danger of violating overtime/time off laws. Some hourly employees were mad that they had done work at home Friday while some of their salaried coworkers had not. When the closure was announced, there was no mention of expectations regarding deadlines, just “we’re closed today, don’t come in, you’ll still be paid for today.” Obviously management should’ve made this more clear, but what are reasonable expectations for the future?
Anonymous
1- hourly employees should expect to be paid for all the hours they work.
2- if employees can work from home on a snow day, they should. Our snow day emails include that reminder.
Anonymous
My employer never officially “closes” its office even if no one can get to the office, there is no heat or A/C, etc. Employees are expected to work from home or use PTO to cover snow days. Deadlines are not adjusted. When the power went out, we were expected to keep working off of laptop battery power or go home and work there.
Anonymous
Do you have a WFH policy? I am assuming that even if you do, it does not yet address this situation.
I think it’s reasonable that if the office is closed, people do not have to work at home. Unless everyone has a laptop or home computer from which they can log-in remotely (and unless the company is paying for it, you shouldn’t require someone buy a computer at home on their own dime for work as a W-2) and they are required to take the laptop home every day, there will not be a consistent application of working from home in this type of situation. Plus, if it’s a snow day, you are going to have parents whose kids are home from school and who probably can’t or don’t want to secure childcare that they wouldn’t have ordinarily had to due to a circumstance outside of their control.
I think the policy should be that if the office is closed, the office is closed and no work is expected. If salaried employees want to work on their own time, fine (have a WFH policy), but hourly workers should not be expected to work. They should be paid for what they did work in the past, however.
Snow Day Emails
We have a WFH policy, but it explicitly states that hourly employees are not eligible to WFH and for salaried employees it is subject to supervisor approval. So it’s unclear why hourly employees felt that they should do so in this case at all and why salaried employees felt that they should so without approval.
Anonymous
Then there just needs to be a reminder that hourly employees may not work from home?
And salaried employees felt they should do so without approval because a) they could and b) they are diligent employees committed to getting the work done and c) no one told them not to. I don’t get the surprise.
Anon at 9:48
Yes, the expectation is already set. Management/HR should circulate the policy and in the body of the email highlight the important parts of the policy as reminders. You don’t need to do anything else IMO.
Anonymous
Our office never officially closes for snow – even if we get a foot of snow or it’s -20 outside and the public schools are closed. Employees can choose not to come in but they have to use PTO. We have very generous vacation time and the boss is understanding (especially for parents who need to stay home when the schools close) but it still annoys me.
Bostonian
“Closed” implies the company is closed and there is no expectation work, in my opinion. For that reason, my company never closes (we’re in Boston and get more than our fair share of work days), but we all work from home on snow days. Support staff without laptops get paid since it’s an inclement weather day, and not their fault that they are unable to work in the office or at home.
Bostonian
*more than our fair share of SNOW days
Linda from HR
Agree, I would treat it like a day off. If I had a deadline on or shortly after that day, I might contact my boss and ask her about her expectations.
Baconpancakes
Internal deadlines are pushed back if the office is closed unexpectedly (it almost never closes). Our external deadlines are such that the final work to go out is likely on the exempt employees’ plates anyway, so if a deadline was on a Friday, and the office closed, the exempt employee would likely work from home.
In your situation, if it was an internal deadline, I would assume the deadline had been pushed back, and if it was an external deadline, I would assume the deadline stood. As a non-exempt employee, I would contact my supervisor and ask to WFH to meet the deadline.
Work for insurance company
We’re expected to be on the office and get no credit for working from home. If we don’t come in we must take a vacation (not sick) day. If the office closes (which it did last week at the height of the storm) we must take a full vacation day unless we were physically present when it closed. I’m an attorney and I’m exempt.
Triangle Pose
Wow, that really sucks. Especially if you are in a role that can easily work from home.
Anon
That’s insane.
Anon
We are expected to work from home on snow days and the notification that the office is closed will tell us that.
anon
Man, one thing I really wish employers would think about is what these kind of days do to staff that is not highly paid. At my old law firm, the assistants, staff, secretaries, etc. were the ones who made the least amount of money, had the worst vacation/PTO allowance, lived the farthest (because living closer to the city is often more expensive), and have the least backups for childcare. This was Chicago biglaw and it always broke my heart. So many of their partner-attorneys were completely dependent on their assistants (couldn’t type/print/buy lunch/function as an adult) and their assistants wanted to make the partners happy for a good bonus check (because guess what – staff bonuses were collective not from the firm). So these bad weather days would mean even when the office was closed, there would always be some assistant battling a 90 minute train to come into the city to print stuff for the partner (who was of course at home, 1 mile away in the city, asking for things to be couriered to him). By the way, even for biglaw, we associates did not have laptops (cost-cutting!!!) so we were expected to work from home on our own computers nights, weekends, and weather days. That bothered me, but it was worse for staff.
AnonPara
I agree. My previous employer was the largest law firm in my state and when inclement weather hit, all the attorneys would work from home and the staff had to white knuckle it in to work (or use a PTO day). It was stressful to say the least.
Anon
I’m in small law. It is the one thing I have seriously got into a fight with my boss about. I can’t change his mind. Lawyers work from home and staff come in or use a PTO day. Half the time they come in only to be sent home a few hours later. The world will not stop turning if we just give them an extra day off. I can’t imagine they will lose that much revenue.
Anonattorney
Sometimes the issue is deadlines that can’t be moved. Then you have to have someone familiar with e-filing who can actually get the brief filed, which most lawyers don’t know how to do.
The answer, to me, is pretty simple: get everyone laptops instead of desktops and let everyone work from home if there is inclement weather. If snow is in the forecast, let lawyers and staff know that they should be taking their laptops home in case the office is closed the next day. Be understanding of parents who have to watch their kids if daycare is closed, but also make sure that there are backup systems in place to ensure that filings get done on time.
Anon
Oh, I of course know about deadlines. The days at issue were not deadline days. That, I would understand and it would be a case by case thing.
Also – lawyers need to figure out how to e-file for cripes sake. Life is a lot less stressful when you can be self-sufficient if necessary.
Anon
Seriously…e-filing is not that difficult. If you can do the legal work behind the document you are filing-then you should be able to figure out how to actually file it. If you can’t, then I seriously doubt your brain capabilities.
anon
Yup. At my last law firm, after a hurricane when many roads were still blocked by downed trees and power lines, public transportation (which is abysmal in my city anyways) wasn’t running yet, many people’s homes lacked power, and schools were closed, staff were expected to come in for a half day (between 1 pm and 5 pm) or use PTO. Attorneys had the freedom to work from home. I went into the office because I didn’t have kids, hadn’t lost power, and had a safe route in. I was the only attorney on my floor, and only about half the staff made it. It s*cked for the staff and was not at all productive.
SafetyLady
This!! So much this. People who are poorer, have fewer resources in terms of back-up childcare, and also — people who are disabled may be very affected by weather or something similar that is only a minor inconvenience to more well-off.
The “disabled” thing sticks with me — in student government at liberal arts college, we called off an evening meeting in a storm because one student used an electric wheelchair to get to the meeting and we couldn’t imagine asking her to do that. And if we wouldn’t do that to her, why do it to anybody?
Anonymous
Our office closes if the local court closes due to weather. No one is expected to work from home, but most attorneys will if they have something urgent. Staff is paid.
SafetyLady
This is a great thread as I write/re-write my company’s emergency procedure plan.
Also (I am in Atlanta) we had a “Forecasted Freezing Rain” Day yesterday — and the teachers emailed a lot of homework to my third-grader! He was able to do it all because we have enough internet access at home, etc. but I can’t imagine that this is the case for 100% of his students at public school.
Very interesting how the expectations differ. Thank you, all!
Anonymous
I hate this! Let the third-grader have a snow day.
NYNY
Requesting good vibes from the h1ve. My mother is having knee replacement surgery today. I know this is a common procedure and outcomes are usually good if the patient is diligent about PT afterwards, but I’m nervous today. I wish I were there with her instead of 2000 miles away.
anon
It’s a painful recovery so encourage her that it will get better even though the first few weeks are brutal. Can you send her a care package to make things easier? Maybe an extension stick for a sponge for the shower, the knee replacement coloring book (Amazon), meal delivery, light reading, or similar?
Anonymous
I’ve been through this twice with my dear mother-in-law. It’s a quick procedure and it is AMAZING how her quality of life improved following the knee replacements. Someone who had trouble walking/standing without pain now bolts as if she’s off to run a marathon. It will be so great to see her feel better. In the meantime, big hugs!
Betsy
2017 was the year of the knee replacement for my parents – 3 knees replaced in less than 6 months! Sending lots of good vibes to your mom. The first few days are really tough, but long term it is so worth it. Walking has been the most useful thing for both of my parents. They do their PT pretty well, but just getting out and walking every day is the big difference maker.
anon
Your Mom will do great!
You can be the best daughter by ordering her an amazing cold pack, if she doesn’t have one already. Like this
https://www.amazon.com/Injuries-Ohuhu-Reusable-Therapy-Shoulder/dp/B01M8IBGYE/ref=sr_1_26_a_it?dd=kV9tf67RfzL_fonyUNDbZQ%2C%2C&ie=UTF8&qid=1515508957&sr=8-26&keywords=knee%2Bice%2Bpack&refinements=p_96%3A10155283011%2Cp_72%3A2661618011&th=1
Send her so it will be ready when she gets home. Maybe send her a snuggie too!
Fishie
Surgery is always scary. She’ll do great, and her life will be greatly improved as a result. Sending hugs to you. I
wish you could be with her too.
Anon in NYC
Sending good wishes your way. My GMIL had hip replacement surgery a few years before she passed, after years of being in pain, and while my MIL had a lot of debate about whether it was the right choice (given her age), post-surgery/recovery, she was finally pain-free. It looked like she had lost 10-15 years off her face. So, here’s hoping that your mom finds similar benefits!
Anonymous
My SO’s father had both knees replaced, one year apart. Recovery was tough, but he’s SO happy he did it. He literally climbed Mt Olympus a few months after.
If you want to do something nice for her, maybe get her an Amazon gift card for the cost of a couple of movie rentals and curate a list of movies you think she’ll like? I bet she’ll welcome the distraction, and it’s a thoughtful but relatively inexpensive gesture!
NYNY
You all are awesome! Thank you.
I’m sending flowers for her hospital room, and putting together a care package – love the ideas everyone put in! My dad is there, and my aunt, who is a nurse, so I know that she will be well-fed and well cared-for. Still, it would be easier to be local.
anon
Don’t send flowers. They aren’t allowed in most hospital floors anymore. And honestly…. they are the last thing you need when you are hospitalized. A favorite food/treat is better, as the food in most hospitals is not ideal.
Encourage her to eat a high protein diet when she is healing. Diet is really poorly managed by doctors after surgery, but high protein really facilitates healing. Hydrate well and a multivitamin too.
NYNY
I appreciate where this is coming from, but
a) my Mom loves flowers
b) I’ve already confirmed that the hospital she’s in allows them
c) she expects to be admitted for 3 days, so something to brighten up her room will be very welcome
d) there are family members on site who will be bringing her food, so that’s covered
Sus
Every time my dad had a replacement done (knee three times, hip once) he was hooked up to a machine at home that rotated the joint slowly for x number of minutes several times a day. He was very, very bored just laying there while the machine worked, so anything your mom can do while reclining would be a great gift; even if it’s just calling her more frequently to distract her.
Lilly
I’ve had both knees done. My doc said that he believed that a total knee replacement was just about as major a surgery as it could be, short of organ transplant and the like, but that it was also a very routine surgery. My 87 year old father just came through surgery and pt with flying colors. My two cents worth is that it’s the physical therapy that is an unholy b!tch, much more so than the surgery recovery itself. Do two things:(1) encourage her to be diligent with her physical therapy and also to follow the doc’s instructions exactly as to how much to be up and about and how much to stay down; and (2) buy her a basket, with a cup holder, that goes on the front of the walker she will be sent home with. Amazon has them cheap. Two hands on a walker means you can’t carry anything at all yourself. The basket cup holder thing allows you to get your own water from the kitchen and so forth, and is a handy receptacle for all the little stuff you want near such as lip balm, meds, a book/kindle, phone and charger, etc.
date night?
What would you wear for a Valentines-adjacent dinner in a “casual upscale” restaurant? I’m in my late thirties and generally incline toward classic styles with a vaguely fifties or seventies vibe and am looking for an outfit that 1) isn’t too over the top but is 2) kind of sexy. Ideas?
Anonymous
A dress in a draped fabric with a low cut neckline, in black, with red lace underneath.
Former Retail
I’d do something off-the-shoulder, maybe a long sleeve sweater, with dramatic earrings.
lsw
I want to know more about your general sense of style and the seventies vibe!
Anonymous
Me too!
Idea
cowl neck with dangly sparkly earrings
Anonymous
My husband and I are interested in visiting the Azores in late June/early July. Has anyone done this? We are thinking a week there and likely a week in Spain/Portugal. Goal is hiking, some beach time, and exploration. I’m unsure of how to choose where exactly in the Azores to base ourselves or go. Would love recommendations!
Lydia
Yes! We went and it was great. I’d suggest 3 or 4 days in Sao Miguel and then the rest on another island — we loved Terceira. The hiking is excellent. There are beaches everywhere although keep in mind it’s the middle of the Atlantic, so the water isn’t that warm. Also, the weather is always springy — temps in the low 60s, intermittent rain. It’s beautiful though. In Sao Miguel, Ponta Delgada has some nice things to visit but there’s no reason to stay in town. Visit Sete Cidades, lots of hiking. Don’t miss the caves (Christmas Cave and the one in the volcano) on Terceira. Hikes are well marked. Bring good shoes!
anon
Your Mom will do great!
You can be the best daughter by ordering her an amazing cold pack, if she doesn’t have one already. Like this
https://www.amazon.com/Injuries-Ohuhu-Reusable-Therapy-Shoulder/dp/B01M8IBGYE/ref=sr_1_26_a_it?dd=kV9tf67RfzL_fonyUNDbZQ%2C%2C&ie=UTF8&qid=1515508957&sr=8-26&keywords=knee%2Bice%2Bpack&refinements=p_96%3A10155283011%2Cp_72%3A2661618011&th=1
Send her so it will be ready when she gets home. Maybe send her a snuggie too!
non-rectangular turtleneck sweaters
I had a wool cashmere turtleneck sweater that was not too long and a bit shaped. It died after years of good service.
I have tried to find a replacement, but all are too long/boxy, even when ordering a petite length. I am not shaped like a rectangle!
I am 5-4 and my waist is pretty high up. And my band size is 30, so any volume can be overwhelming.
I’ve tried the XS petite from Lands End and also a couple of sizes at Uniqlo. And Athleta. Where else should I look?
I want to look sleek and chic, not schlubby.
Anonymous
Lord & Taylor cashmere is always too short for me, so you might try there. But also think about embracing current styles.
NYNY
Seconding L&T cashmere, but without the snark. Their sweaters are classic and tailored, and they have some waist shaping.
Anonymous
I’m a 32DD with a 26 inch waist, and I second the L&T cashmere recommendation. I also second the idea that the “current style” isn’t flattering on everyone, and for certain body types, can make us look, well, in ways we don’t want to look… and no one likes paying cashmere prices to not look the way they want to.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
On what planet is a turtleneck cashmere sweater not current? It may be not be cutting edge fashion, but it is a solid staple for a reason.
waffles
If you don’t mind tucking them in, try Tuxe? I also wear sweaters fitted and I like the fit on their sweaters generally. Sometimes I would like the option of wearing it un-tucked though…
Anon
I hate the fact that every item of clothing for sale these days is shaped like a box. It is not a silhouette that works for me at all.
Anonymous
Not sure what your price range is, but I have two 6-ply cashmere sweaters from Eric Bompard that are exactly what you’re describing. I’m short-waisted and 32DD, and these fit like a dream and feel heavenly on.
I think their 30% off/free shipping sale may still be going on.
embees
It wouldn’t help with length, but the side seams of (most) sweaters can be taken in to give some shape at your particular waistline. If you sew at all (or someone close to you does), it’s a very simple alteration. I have no idea if a tailor would – or what they’d charge – but I’ve done it for myself a number of times with great success.
Say something or let it go?
How do I address this with my mother, or do I let it go? I feel like she’s too busy to truly listen when I’m talking, and I feel resentful that she doesn’t seem to have that problem with my siblings. Some background: my siblings and parents are all in similar careers (think physicians/medicine) and I’m alone in another (think academia). My parents offer my siblings a lot of emotional and practical support for their careers (e.g., how to successfully navigate residency), but my parents simply have less experience in my field (like how to navigate tenure) to offer any concrete support. That’s fine, but my mother also just forgets what my job even is, what my title is, and even who my employer is. On the one hand, I get it–she’s in a high-stress, busy job and her children are adults, so it’s not her “job” to keep track of me anymore. On the other hand, it hurts my feelings deeply that she can’t remember key details of my life, especially because I think of my job as really expressive of who I am and what I’m interested in. This issue is bothering me right now because I feel like her inability to listen spreads to other things that are important to me, too. She enjoys picking out gifts at Macy’s the day before they’re to be given, but she doesn’t put much forethought into it. This year she asked me for gift ideas for a milestone birthday, I offered specific suggestions, and she missed the mark. Like giving me a food processor when I asked for a specific, well-reviewed blender. I’m not upset about the blender itself, of course, it’s that she didn’t listen to my excitement about this blender and I built an expectation that I’d receive from her. I really enjoy my mom otherwise, and we have a great relationship traveling and doing all sorts of activities together. I’m not sure if I should just reframe my expectations about her ability to offer emotional support through listening. Telling her that I feel like she doesn’t listen to me would undoubtedly make her quite defensive and hurt, and I really dislike confrontation.
Anonymous
Man, your parents are who they are. Pretend they are a baby — say “bless your heart” and just let it go. They will only get “more so” as they get older.
FWIW, I feel like this all falls disproportionately on moms. Dads get a total pass (mine included. He gets my birthday wrong. And it is right by his birthday! Whatever, I love him, but I have expectations in line with who he actually is. I shouldn’t treat my mother harshly in comparison, no?).
The benefit of being a grownup is that you can buy your own presents. You can’t be consumerist with your parents — it will only lead to disappointment (and the wrong presents). “What would you like?” “Nothing! But I would love to go out to dinner with you (hopefully it has awful cell reception so they won’t have any distractions).”
Senior Attorney
This is exactly what I was going to say. Your mom is who she is and you are going to have to accept this as the price of admission. So yes — reframe your expectations. If you do activities together and travel and have fun, you are ahead of the game!
Anonymous
Great advice. This approach has changed how I deal with my family 100%, made our interactions less fraught, and helped me let things roll off my back.
Anonymous
I think you need to grow up. I mean that not flippantly or meanly, but I honestly think that’s the work you gave to do. Your mother cares about you and loves you deeply, and you know that. She buys you gifts. You travel together! You do activities together! You enjoy each other!
Yeah, it’s a bummer she isn’t perfect, but that’s what growing up is. Recognizing that no one is going to love you perfectly and that’s okay. You are an adult woman choosing to be hurt you got a food processor instead of a blender- do you want to be? Cause you can hold onto that and justify it, or you can let it go. Your mom fogeys your job? Really though does she? Does she honestly not know what you do or is she hazy on the details? You see your job as who you are, that’s clear, but your Mom doesn’t and I think that’s a good thing! You aren’t Susan, PhD candidate and research fellow at institution du jour to her, you’re Susan, beloved daughter and travel companion. Can’t you let that be enough? Why do you need your Mom to be invested in your career? Is it possible there’s another route to get the validation you’re looking for?
Batgirl
+1
Anonymous
+1
And, why are you relying on your parents for job support? That’s not their job.
Anon
Sure, don’t rely on your parents for 100% support, but I know in my family my parents are super interested in my career and work. It’s part of how they show their love. It kind of sounds like OP’s parents are like that, too, at least with her siblings.
Anonymous
I describe my dad (PhD R&D guy) and my husband (still not really sure what he does) as people who “do something with computers.”
Glad that they love me in spite of this.
Anonymous
I definitely agree with this. Some people aren’t great gift-givers, sounds like your mom may be one of them. But she’s trying so I would let it go and focus on all the things she does well.
Senior Attorney
This is perfect.
anon
I completely agree with this comment. My parents are constantly talking about my younger sister and how she has this amazing job (she’s a high school teacher and has finally found her place, but struggled for years working out what she wanted to do, going from part-time job to part-time job, and moving from university to university). I am a lawyer, have two degrees with Honours and have kicked some major goals in life and my career – do my parents ever talk about me to others? Nope. Do they know what I actually do at my job – not really, but I cannot expect them to. They have never had anything to do with what I do so have no understanding of it.
Anonymous
Reframe your expectations. You’re fortunate to enjoy spending time with your mom traveling and doing activities. If you do decide to say something to your mom, focus on the very specific issue of her not knowing what your title is or showing much curiosity about what exactly you do. The more concrete you can be about your specific issue, the more likely it is you’ll get through to your mom without hurting her feelings.
Anon
I disagree with the other commenters implying you shouldn’t feel this way. I am in almost this exact position and feel this way often. It’s not that you are expecting her to remember specific details about only your life, it’s that she seems to know a lot of details about your siblings’ lives but not yours. My mom is also in medicine and all of my sisters are nurses. They chat constantly about medical things that I am completely left out of, and when one of them gets a promotion and learns a new skill, my mom is clearly more excited for them because she understands the context of their promotion or what the new skill means for their career. For me, she listens and nods but I know she still doesn’t understand what I do. It does hurt my feelings that she doesn’t make more of an effort to learn about my career, but I’ve learned to lean on other things for balance.
anon
Good gracious. My father and I have similar careers- he is an engineer and I’m a lawyer in overlapping subject areas. So, he and I understand what we do and can and do talk about it all the time. My sister does something neither of us are familiar with.
Talking with my dad about work is one way that he and I connect which is unique to our relationship, like OP’s mom’s relationship with her siblings. It seems selfish and small-minded to begrudge them that connection. Mom doesn’t know more about siblings’ jobs because she cares more, she does because it’s her field.
Talking about work is not the only way for OP to connect with her mom. I understand the need to feel heard and valued. But it’s simply much easier for mom to do that with siblings than OP in re; OP’s career. I have lots of friends in technical fields- I do my very best to keep on top of the job changes and details of what they do, but I probably can’t give you the exact title for my friend who works in IT at a hedge fund or describe what she does in more than 2 sentences. It’s not my world, I’m not familiar with the lingo. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. OP, rather than focusing on this specific way for you to feel heard and valued, focus on all of the other ways your mom supports you.
OP
This. This is exactly the dynamic at every weekly family get-together. Dinner conversations are hours spent discussing their jobs and hospitals, and I put in enormous effort to participate and ask good questions despite my lack of familiarity. But my effort isn’t reciprocated. I thought this dynamic was confined to work topics, but I’m beginning to feel generally like my mom, in particular, isn’t listening even when she directs questions at me.
But I think your point–and other commenters’–are right about looking elsewhere for people to listen about work or other things intimately important to me. And I realize whining over a blender is utterly ridiculous and childish, and perhaps unrelated.
Anonymous
Also don’t spend hours listening to this weekly. “Hey, enough boring medical stuff! Let’s talk about xyz.”
Anonymous
Yes! This is important context. Weekly get togethers are great — except that they keep adult kids locked into a childish dynamic. I would probably be driven to move to the other side of the country to get away — but that’s not particularly healthy. Would your family be up for mixing in some new activities? Maybe you could suggest going to team trivia at a bar, or a cooking class, or any activity that’s not focused on talking about medicine? Also, can you try to do things with your sibs without mom and dad?
anon
Consider it this way: maybe your siblings are wishing they could connect with Mom on a topic other than work. I (anon at 10:44) sometimes get sad when I feel like my dad would rather talk to me about work than anything else and that he values my professional accomplishments more than anything else about me. Grass is greener. Weekly dinners full of technical talk is going to get tedious and dull for anyone. I bet if you were able to cap this nonsense you’d naturally focus less on this issue.
Anonymous
I think you’re bringing it up as just another example of not feeling listened to or cared about. I don’t think the material thing bothers you, it’s the message it conveys to you. It’s not childish to be bothered by this so long as you can move on from it. You can attempt to change how you interact with your mom, but relationships are a two way street and your mom might not recognize the need for change or want to put in the effort. That’s where the “growing up” and accepting it comments are coming from, I think.
Anon
Same commenter – I really can’t believe the awful responses on here of “grow the f up.” I’m sorry OP. I understand the context of what you meant entirely, especially the career aspect, the gift thing was just an example. It’s not a good feeling when you feel that your parents aren’t as proud of you as your siblings simply because you didn’t follow into their profession. To expand, I learned to lean on other things for emotional support (i.e. My SO, close friends, mentors in my field) to celebrate my professional life and kept my personal life going the same with my mom. I’ll never be a nurse or doctor, and I’ll never be one of my sisters, but we can still travel and talk about an array of other things, which it sounds like you’re doing.
Anonymous
It’s interesting how literally no one except you threw an “f” in.
Anon
Excuse me, but a commenter below did.
Anon
Someone did below.
Anon
Well, it was someone who had just lost their mom and specifically said she couldn’t think of a nicer way to say it…
Anonymous
My mother thinks that I am a tax attorney. That was about 15 years ago.
My dad knows that I work at a law firm. He is not really sure what I do there. TBH, neither do most of the other attorneys here.
Unless you are a plummer, it’s hard to describe a job you haven’t done and a function you don’t interact with.
Friend your parents on linked in?
Cherry Bomb
This. I used to take the fact that my parents really have no idea what I do day to day (I’m a transactional attorney) as disinterest, but then I realized I don’t really know what they do day to day either. I don’t even really know what most of my friends (even the fellow lawyers) do on a daily basis.
As I’ve gotten older my take on parental relationships is that it works best to focus on the good things you do have in common and enjoy talking about. It sounds like there are a lot of good aspects in your relationship with your mom, so I would advise focusing on those. If you really do want to talk about work with your family, I’ve found that people are almost universally interested in personal interactions, so asking for advice or commiserating about things like a braggy colleague, horrible boss, or clueless intern are usually good topics.
Idea
This. My dad, who worked for the federal government in procurement, had no idea what I did, until he saw my company on the list as a government supplier/contractor. All of a sudden he realized I was a real person with a real job. Though I’ve changed jobs since then, and he’s retired, he’s still happiest when my company is on the government supplier list.
Anon
I think you let it go. My parents don’t understand what I do at all. I also lived in the same state for six years and I don’t think they ever figured out exactly where it is; they definitely never visited. There are times I wish they were different, but they’re not and there’s no point in trying to change people. They are wonderful in other ways.
Anon
I think at some point we all come to the realization that our parents aren’t the great and wonderful beings we’ve always thought. I used to put so much stock in everything my dad said. Then he gave me some not helpful (and almost harmful if I hadn’t had the awareness to not take it at the last minute) advice. He only believes what he wants to believe and can’t offer job advice because his knowledge and outlook is 40 years old.
Anon
I don’t know how to say it more nicely than this – but grow the f up. Despite the milestone birthday, you sound like a 10 year old. Was that the milestone?
I lost my mom a few months ago. She was a terrible gift giver and never understood my profession. I loved her to pieces and would give just about anything for another terrible birthday gift from her.
Triangle Pose
Wow, this is so unnecesary. I’m sorry you lost your mom but you do not get to project your grief in such a cruel way on another commenter here who is expressing an issue she is having with her mom. Come on, now.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
This poster’s language is harsh (which she acknowledged) but her point is well taken. Most adults in our 20s or older know that our parents are not going to be around forever and are able to look past the personality traits that annoy us and appreciate our loving parents for who they are and what they have given us (obviously not everyone has loving parents, but that’s a different story). OP’s comment really does come across as very juvenile/teenaged to me. It’s all about her, with no awareness that her time with her mom is limited and that this is a trivial issue in the big scheme of things. She has a kind, loving mom who wants to spend time with her and travel and have adventures with her — that sounds amazing! So many people (with both living and dead moms) wish they had that and the fact that OP seems to have no awareness of how good she has it comes across as very immature.
Triangle Pose
Actually, what is immature is to tell OP she should be happy she has a mom at all, not everyone does. That doesn’t take away from the fact that OP is hurt by her mom’s actions. People on here post all the time about first world problems and we don’t routine treat them cruelly and project their own grief like this poster. There is no excuse.
Anonymous
She didn’t say “be glad you have a mom at all, not everyone does.” She pointed out that giving terrible gifts is an incredibly minor personality flaw that you will not only accept but actually think of fondly once your mom has passed away. I have a living mom that I’m close to (who is also a pretty terrible gift giver) and OP’s post is something I might have written when I was a teenager and considerably more self-centered than I am now. Most adults have more perspective about what really matters in life. (And people here use rude language and call posters immature or selfish all the time, no need to clutch your pearls about it.)
Triangle Pose
HA! Nope.
Anonymous
This. Your mom sounds like a warm, loving person. Appreciate her while you have her because you won’t have her forever. I also agree with other posters that wondered why you’re not holding your dad to the same exacting standards with respect to understanding your job and giving you great gifts.
Anonnna
+1 Appreciate your parents for who they are, or don’t. You cannot and will not change them. When DH taught me this about my own mother (he adopted this mentality long ago about his mom who presents a unique set of challenges as it relates to maintaining a ‘normal’ relationship with her), it was eye opening and freeing in many ways.
anon
I have to say, I agree with this too.
The OP is so, so, so, so lucky…. and she doesn’t realize it. Yes, I understand the pang of hurt, but she needs to let it go.
Accept your mother for who she is.
Signed,
someone who doesn’t get any presents from their family…. never mind a family member who would even ?think to ask what I wanted. And who misses their mother like crazy and I never was as fortunate to have as deep a relationship as you have with your mother. And you don’t even realize it….
Anon 1
I can so completely relate to this. My mom has a high-level, detail-oriented job, but she cannot remember any details of my life. Example–this Christmas, I spent two day with my best friend of 16 YEARS, who used to be my roommate, who I pal around with ALL THE TIME. My mother asked me who this person was…as in who is Friend X again? Infuriating.
It’s not that I don’t try to share details of my life with my mother. It’s that she is incapable of remembering. She says her brain is “too full” with work details and other things. It’s not an actual memory issue–she’s very sharp about all other aspects of her life, no other “senior moments.” My mom literally cannot muster the brain space to care about my life details.
Like others have said, I have forgiven her (mostly) for this trait. I just know that I will tell her the same things, over and over again. She will not remember. I no longer am upset or angry about this (to her face). I am sad and jealous that my other friends can have real, deep meaningful relationships with their mothers, and I can’t. But it’s her choice. I am here. I have tried.
I feel you that this is hurtful, particularly because she can care and be attentive to other siblings. But I promise you, you have to let this go. It will eat you up.
anon
Christ. Oh thank GOD you forgave her for this horrid trait. WHY are you *insisting* that forgetting details of a busy life that is not your own equates to not caring or not having a deep, meaningful relationship? Getting mad at your mom (your choice) because your mom asked you to remind her precisely who one of your friends is is not trying to have a deep meaningful relationship.
Anon 1
Really. So if you were a bridesmaid in your best friend, Sara’s wedding, and your mom asked, “Who is Sara again?” you wouldn’t find it hurtful or confusing? Doubt it. My mom has seen pictures of my friend and I traveling all over the world, has met this friend in person several times, and still can’t remember who she is. It’s weird. It just is.
Anonymous
Memory lapses show up in strange ways with older people, and it doesn’t necessarily mean they have dementia or something like that. My mom also has no problem remembering details of her complex, demanding job but also has problems keeping my close friends (whom she has met many times) straight. A 65 year old brain, even a healthy one, just does not operate as quickly as a 30 year old brain – it’s possible her brain really is “full” of work details, even though your brain can easily retain lots more information. If you don’t believe me, consult a doctor who specializes in geriatric neurology. But I think it’s incredibly immature and unkind that you can’t be slightly more forgiving about the memory lapses of a (presumably) somewhat elderly woman.
Hopefully if she does develop more severe memory issues down the road, you’ll treat her with much more kindness. And trust me, it’s a LOT harder to deal with your mom not knowing how to wipe her own a$$ than forgetting the name of your BFF.
Anonymous
no. it’s not. As the parent of a grown son, some of his friends register with me and some of them don’t. It’s self-centered to think that your mom would have the same level of investment in your relationships as you do. She has her own sh1t. She’s staying in her lane; appreciate it.
Senior Attorney
Look, I’m the parent of a 31 year old and I don’t always keep all his friends straight. I recognize the names and I know generally who everybody is but I don’t always keep the names and the people sorted out as well as I could.
Reading this thread I feel like my son is either really accepting or he’s off somewhere typing on a message board about how awful I am…
Anonymous
It’s not weird. Your mom has her own life. She loves you and cares about you, but it strikes me as pretty normal that she doesn’t instantly recall details about all of her adult daughter’s close friends. You’re presumably not a six year-old that she has to organize play dates for, so it’s pretty logical that your friendships aren’t at the forefront of her mind. You seem incredibly self-centered.
anon
No honestly I wouldn’t be hurt. I truly can’t imagine being hurt over that. (Esp. because I was born in the eighties and so were a trillion other Saras.) I’d look at the big picture. I refuse to require my mother to perform a memory test when she’s *actively participating with love* in my life. Maybe my skin is thicker but I just cannot imagine being hurt that my mother doesn’t keep all of my friends straight! A friend she’s only met “several times” and she’s seen you in pictures with? Good grief!
Please consider why you people are insisting on using your mother’s memory for details as the measure of her love. And holding her to a standard of perfection before you believe she cares. Please.
Dahlia
I wouldn’t be hurt even a tiny bit. And I’m sure she would say this about a lot of my friends if not all. And I would probably say this about a lot of hers! It seems to me that you are being a wee bit over-sensitive here and I would let it go. She cares enough to listen about your friend and even ask a clarifying question- to me that says a lot more!
Anon in NYC
+1 to this. It’s okay to feel hurt and disappointed by your parents. I do think you need to find a way to let it go and/or cope with it enough that you can move past it.
My mom, whom I love, is not a person that I can really rely on for most things. I know that she loves me. But she has stopped being a “parent” in a lot of ways. Often it feels like we’re just two adults who are related, rather than mother/daughter. Most days it’s fine, but sometimes I just really want my ~mom~ and those days are hard. People who have more supportive parents don’t really understand this.
Anonymous
Honestly you sound pretty childish and spoiled. My parents and my sister all have PhDs in the same academic field. I’m in a totally unrelated (less prestigious) field and don’t have a PhD. Of course there is going to be a lot of “shop talk” when we all get together. This is a huge common bond they all share, it would be weird not to acknowledge it or for me to want all the attention to be on my career instead. If your mom travels and does other activities with you, it sounds like she is very engaged in your life and you just can’t connect on the job front. So what? Most people don’t have parents in the exact same career anyway.
And I think the blender is just a tangent – some people hate just buying what they were told to buy and end up getting something similar but not exactly what the recipient wanted. It’s annoying but one of those minor things we overlook with people we love. Unless she’s treating your siblings differently in this regard, it seems totally unrelated to the issue of bonding over your careers. She’s just a mediocre gift giver and that’s pretty far down on the list of terrible flaws a person or parent can have.
Mom for a Minute
Consider the Mom for a Minute Reddit for what you’re not getting
Tfor22
Is there something in between addressing it head on and letting it go? I am also in academia (but not in a faculty role), and my family has no idea what I do. For years they thought I worked in admissions or financial aid. I wonder if you could signal the kind of support you would like. If you want them to be excited, tell them why you are excited. Maybe describe a big project you are working on. Is your goal to have professional support or recognition? Or less airtime about medical careers? As far as remembering where you work, perhaps you could buy her a sweatshirt or cool workout shirt from your institution. Or have one of your adventures be at your workplace.
Anonymous
OP, I struggle with similar frustrations. I’m in my late 20s, married and live under two hours away from my parents. They haven’t come to visit us in more than a year, though we’ve been there many times. They seem much more engaged with my siblings’ lives (e.g., know all of their friends and about their jobs) and also have changed since I left for college. I’m always the one to call or text them and they never initiate the conversation (and ironically, they’ve had the same frustration with my grandparents but don’t seem to realize they’re repeating this behavior. It’s hard to realize that your relationship with your parents isn’t the same as what it was once and/or it is different from your siblings’ relationship with them. While my husband has said I should be more direct with them about my feelings, I’m not sure it’s a conversation I want to have with them.
Torin
Hi, I’m your sibling.
My sister chose to become very angry with my father for this. She works in the medical field, and while he loves her deeply and cares about her career, it’s not his field and he forgets the details. He literally doesn’t know what someone in her position does all day, and doesn’t understand all of the details of what she’s talking about when she talks about work. Because he doesn’t work in that field. OTOH, he and I work in the same industry and can and do have detailed conversations about that industry. I try not to do that in front of her, because that’s rude, but he knows all of the context for my job/industry without me having to explain them and having the conversation is just easier, so we have it more often. My sister chose to take this personally and I think it really hurt his feelings that she accused him of not caring about her because he didn’t ask her about her job (which she really loves) as often as he does me. Your mom cares. You just have to find other things to talk about than your career because she doesn’t know your industry and she’s never going to have a complete understanding of what you do.
Anonymous
I am certain my mom does this on purpose. I made different choices with my life than she made with hers, and so she acts as though my life is somehow not real or as though it’s impossible to remember. The answer is still to let it go.
Anonymous
If your siblings worked in different occupations than your Mom I’d pay more attention to this. But since it’s similar to your Moms job- this is probably conversationally easy/maybe a little intellectually lazy, for someone with a busy job. In a way she gets to talk more about herself when she’s talking to your siblings. As most above have said, ignore and also try to turn convo to something not related to anyone’s job!!
Maternity vibe?
I really love this dress:
https://amourvert.com/products/davina-dress?variant=50382701459&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=&utm_campaign=g_shopping_brand&utm_content=190140190495&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7Y2c8ZLL2AIVHbbACh1RawhjEAYYAyABEgIF2_D_BwE
It’s black AND colorful — helping me through the winter blahs. But the little ties on it — too maternity-ish?
I otherwise love it and want to keep it, but the ties are just holding me back. [FWIW, I am not as old as Senior Attorney, but of an age where anything vaguely maternity would look off. I could wrap them behind and then tie them in front, but I despise self-belts generally. Dress is otherwise amazing. Will hold internal debates / convos with internet strangers until my other Amour Vert package arrives.]
Wow
I love the dress and I don’t think the ties make it look maternity, but it really depends on where the waist falls on you. I can already tell that the waist of this dress would hit me too high, making me look somewhat pregnant. If that’s not the case for you, I think it’s a great dress.
Anon
The only thing that makes a dress look maternity is if you are pregnant.
Anonymous
Not
Anonymous
Oops posted too soon – not necessarily true. Maternity dresses have a very specific cut that is designed to accentuate the belly and theyvwill make even skinny women look like they have a pooch.
Maternity vibe?
BUT have you have seen ties on a non-maternity dress for a grownup? It seems almost like a tell, if this were poker.
They just seem so ill-thought out on a dress that is otherwise so beautiful.
Anon
I don’t think it looks maternity at all. The tie is at the waist, so it accentuates the fact that you don’t have a maternity belly… If anything, the ties might be a bit of a “youthful” look, but I would wear this dress in a heart-beat (I’m in my 30’s).
Anon
Like, the one in the back? Yes, I have seen that on plenty of dresses that are not maternity.
Anon
You’re overthinking this. What you should be thinking is “do I have the legs to pull this off?” not “will this make me look pregnant?”
If you don’t like the ties, have them removed. But the waist isn’t empire, it’s just slightly high. No one will think you’re pregnant.
rices
I think its gorgeous and now I want it. Would never have thought maternity. You could theoretically swap the self-tie for a real belt, maybe?
Violet
Not maternity. The pattern is lovely. I like it from the front, but the ties do change the look, I’m also not a tie it up style person. I’d get it and see how you like it on. if the ties bother you, get them cut off and maybe add a couple darts.
Senior Attorney
HAHA! I wouldn’t wear this dress because I think it’s a little young for me (although it’s gorgeous), but if I did I would snip off the ties and add a belt.
Cookie
Does anyone here use a Bullet Journal? I see a lot of them online, but I don’t see any samples from overacheiving chicks like us.
Anon
Yes, I’ve been using one for the past year and I love it. Mine’s not pretty or super creative like the ones you see online, but it really helps me figure out what I need to accomplish.
RR
Yes. Mine is pretty boring. A little color, but not the crazy artistic ones you see on pinterest.
Cb
Mine is very simple, just a pocket sized dot grid. I’ve had so many planners over the years but find this format really works for me.
Anon
Yes, but mine is not pinterest worthy. It’s a basic daily to-do list and a monthly calendar. I also take brief notes of phone calls or meetings in mine. I have a running list of items I need to talk to my boss about (he’s rarely available) and some reference pages in the back for system codes at work, meal ideas for home, etc. I also buy the grid sized, but mine is a standard book size – not large, but the size of a standard novel. I buy the original Leuchtturm brand because that’s what my neighborhood stationer has – I do recommend it. Very sturdy and handles being banged around in my tote bag for a full year.
Anon
Same as the above. Mine is not pretty, but it is very functional. I use the Rhodia Web notebook in dot grid and really like it. I print out little monthly calendars the size of the pages and paste them in at the start of each month. That’s as artsy as I get. The rest is notes and lists that keep me organized.
Rainbow Hair
I do! I love it! I find that doing things a bit cutely helps keep me inspired to actually Do The Thing (though I can see that not everyone is into that!). I don’t use that complicated Zapf Dingbat tracking bullet points thing, but I keep a year’s worth of monthly overviews, a period tracker, a detailed monthly spread that I start at the beginning of each month, and a monthly to do list, habit tracker, gratitude page, and journal.
And then every month I can add fun stuff like … this month I’m trying to wear more lipstick, so I have a pretty page where I can check off each time I do, and I am neurotically organizing my daughter’s birthday party (because i might not be there day of) so I have a fun page full of checklists for that, I kept a page of holiday gift ideas beginning in November, etc. It’s fun! It’s an excuse to buy fancy pens!
Necklace shopping
I started a new job, and I want to buy a necklace to celebrate. Preferably something I can wear regularly in a conservative, but business casual workplace and that will match my white gold diamond stud earrings I wear daily. Under $200. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Tiffany? You can get sterling silver jewelry at that price point.
Anonymous
Pearls!
Anon
Pearls. Go to kojima pearl or pearl paradise for the best pearls at reasonable prices. Pearl paradise will be more traditional, kojima more artistic and unusual.
KateMiddletown
This makes me think of Hidden Figures. I love that pearls mean the same thing 60 years later.
Anon
I just love pearls but i also love that movie!
anon
Yeah, I gave up on my parents knowing what I do or where I work years ago. It’s easier to expect them to not remember. They know my general title and that’s it. Sometimes it bothers me but they are flaky overall, so I try to not let it get to me. I would look for emotional support elsewhere, honestly, or let her know when she’s missing the mark without taking it personally. And I’m glad my parents don’t offer me job advice anymore, tbh, because they are the type to say “go door to door with a resume, etc” – it’s not helpful at all, so that’s probably why your parents don’t say anything. They know enough to know they can’t help.
Anon
Can anyone recommend some books/resources to me as I try to help my husband deal with some anxiety/depression/alcohol issues? He is seeing a therapist and has seen his primary doc to start the process of moving forward. Thanks everyone!
Frozen Peach
Yep!
Start looking into Al-Anon. A meeting is a great place to start, or their books of meditations by members.
Anything by Melody Beattie will help you. I like her book of daily meditations called The Language of Letting Go.
Also, any of the following books may ring with you: How to Be an Adult in Relationships (David Richo), Boundaries in Marriage (Henry Cloud), Grown-Up Marriage (Judith Viorst)
Good luck! You will likely find that you will also be doing a lot of growth as your husband gets better.
A Friend Here
There is a great book I read called “Loving Someone with Anxiety” I can’t recall if I read it via kindle or “real” book but VERY helpful as my husband had mid-life crisis and went to intensive outpatient (9am-3pm) therapy for nearly 3 weeks.
I wish you luck and love during this process – it is so hard, but you will both come out the other end and be ok.
prime pantry
I keep running into things on @mazon that are prime pantry only. Has anyone used this? Is it worth the extra money/time for shipping?
Jo March
Sometimes it can be, but I’m just cheap and don’t like to pay for additional shipping fees when I’m already paying for a Prime membership…
Anonymous
I absolutely refuse out of principle. I’m already paying for Prime, and sometimes pay extra to rent movies (again, despite paying for Prime). I’m not going to pay for ANOTHER thing just because they arbitrarily set it aside.
Anon in NYC
YES. I have become increasingly dissatisfied with Amazon because they are removing things from Prime and/or subscribe and save, and those items can only be found by purchasing a pantry box or Amazon fresh.
anon
same here
BabyAssociate
I will do a big order (paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent, soap, shampoo, Ziplocs, face wash etc.) every few months. I find it really convenient, but I also by everything that isn’t food online.
Cat
Same here, plus that’s enough time to accumulate the “no rush shipping” credits from other orders. The worst part is having to deal with the GIANT box which barely fits up my stairs. I wish they offered more than one size.
lsw
I tried it out when I had racked up some of those $5 coupons through non-speedy shipping. Everything was just thrown in a box, no padding, and the fabric softener leaked everywhere and the Pop Tarts were all broken. It was all free so no tears shed on my part but I would definitely not use it again.
KateMiddletown
I don’t buy food on Amazon for this reason. I’ve tried multiple kinds of power bars, etc, and they look like they’ve been stored in the warehouse with no temp control. I’ve used the Prime Now for a loaf of bread and a cucumber before but only in a pinch (and jesus the markups.)
Lunch Puzzle
I’m working at a different site during January and the lunch situation here is weird. We have a fridge and an electric kettle but no microwave. The closest place to pick up lunch outside is a 20 min drive to mediocre fast food. It’s cold and I like a hot lunch, so I’m looking for suggestions for food I can make with just hot water other than cup-o-noodles and instant oatmeal. Ideas? If I were here for longer I’d push for a microwave, but it’s a temporary assignment and I’m just trying to get through the month!
Anonymous
I think the answer is a thermos full of hot food that you bring in. But also google serious eats instant noodle jars.
Anon
Ooohh I just googled the instant noodle jars and they look amazing…
Anonymous
Use a thermos and bring a hot lunch from home.
Anon
I posted a similar question a few days ago and got some really great responses and ideas. I had no clue how many cool gadgets there are for this. I ordered the Lunch Crock that someone recommended and am very excited for it to get here.
Traffic Engineer
I like grain-based salads for this. I don’t like cold or super hot food so I prep, grab from the fridge in the morning and leave it in my bag/on my desk until it’s lunchtime.
anon
For those of you who are very neat and orderly people (in the sense that your house is neat/picked up, your stuff is organized etc) what are some relatively small changes you’d suggest to someone who has trouble not being messy?
Neat freak
Don’t let stuff pile up. Have a system for dealing with clutter. My personal rule is that everything needs to be picked up before bedtime (that extends to my kids, too). Stuff can’t be left on the floor, clothes need to be hung up (not draped on my bedroom chair), the counters need to be wiped up and relatively clutter free. Life happens in our house and it might be a trainwreck during the middle part of the day, but I know that I’ll go to bed with stuff in its proper place and have a clean slate in the morning.
My other tip is that dishes have to be done before bed, too. Waking up to a dirty kitchen and a pile of dishes makes me crabby.
Really, staying organized and orderly is all about building routines so they become part of what you do naturally, not something you have to think about everyday. Once you’re in a routine, it is so much easier and I promise you will spend less time cleaning and picking up after yourself.
Calico
Never walk from room to room empty handed. Pick up a dirty glass from your nightstand on your way to the kitchen. Look for things to put away as you go. Also, I love the phrase “Touch it once” and it applies to everything in life. Read an email that requires a response? Do it immediately. Don’t make yourself reopen the email later to answer what you could have written earlier. Could probably apply to tidying up.
Anonymous
1) Deal with all mail the instant you walk into the house. Recycle junk mail, shred what needs to be shredded, file what needs to be filed, pay bills or put them in a designated basket or folder to pay all at once, put magazines in magazine rack and recycle old issues. Immediately unpack, try on, and put away (or pack up for returns) all merchandise ordered on line.
2) Once a day, put everything back in its place. This won’t really work, though, unless you first go through a hard reset like a KonMari purge and get your stuff organized so everything has a place and is easy to put away.
Queen Tidy
A place for everything and everything in its place.
Cliche but so true and helpful. Clothes don’t get dumped on the floor or chair, they go in the hamper. A friend of mine who is really disorganized and messy is always losing her keys because she never puts them in the same spot when she’s not using them. Designate areas to keep things and then stick to it.
A tip I like from Marie Kondo is that things of all one type should be kept together. The example she uses in her book is photos. Don’t have boxes of photos scattered around the house, keep them all together in one spot.
Also, never leave dishes in the sink.
H
+10000 This is the single, most effective strategy for me. If you know exactly where something goes, it is pretty easy to clean up. Even if you don’t put it away right away, you can quickly put it away when the need arises. Once you’ve put everything away that has a home, you can determine what doesn’t and whether or not it is worth keeping.
H
Oh, and I want to add that I don’t even buy stuff unless I know exactly where I’m going to put it.
Anon
that’s a good philosophy I should adopt. I’m definitely there with kitchen related stuff. No new small electric appliances, no new dishware/glassware unless something older leaves the house.
Queen Tidy
Same. Having a small apartment definitely helps with this!
Anon
+1. I am organized and clean. My DH is not. Everything in our home has a place, but he consistently forgets to put stuff there. He loses his keys or wallet every other day, because he can’t put them in the dish by the front door. I don’t help him search – I just look in the dish and say “Hmmm they’re not in their place, I don’t know!” – because he and I both know it’s a Him problem, not an Us problem. Because I’m married to him, I know that this is so much easier said than done, but if you want to be organized and neat, this is the only way. It’s a cliche for a reason.
(Our marriage works specifically because we know Me problems vs Us problems. I’ve accepted this is the price of admission for being married to him, and as long as he puts away the stuff that really matters to me/us, as well as continues to enforce a nightly cleanup with our kids so they don’t adopt his messiness, I’m okay with it.)
Senior Attorney
Sounds like you are doing great, but your DH should look into Tile for his keys and wallet! My husband is always losing his phone and I’m thinking of getting one for him.
Fishie
Yes. I was going to say exactly that. Containers for everything (they don’t have to be fancy). Trays for cosmetics and stuff on the dresser/nightstand. A bowl for keys and receipts and husband pocket junk. A caddy for mail and a trashcan right underneath it so piles don’t form. A shoe/coat rack by the door. A basket for heavy rotation purses that never seem to make it back to the closet. A basket for hats/gloves/scarves. Once I know where to put things, I can put them there and avoid piles/furniture as a holding spot.
Stopping the piles before they start is key.
Anonymous
I don’t even think you necessarily have to go so far as to have containers/cubbies/baskets for everything (because adding baskets everywhere can just add more clutter). You just need to be aware of where you’re putting stuff and where stuff isn’t supposed to go. Like, I never lose my keys or wallet because they live in my purse and I always put my purse on the chair on my bedroom when I get home. No exceptions.
Cookie
This is probably a more extreme view, but I would recommend starting with a purge. Start getting rid of stuff you don’t need. It is easier to organize when you have more space. Next, make sure you have a proper place for everything. You may need to buy some baskets and stuff for that. Finally, make sure you regularly put everything in its place.
Again, I know it is extreme, but I am a bit over the top sometimes.
Anonymous
Notice where your dumping grounds are. Tackle one per weekend. Eliminate the dumping ground (if it’s an extra chair, get rid of it or put a throw pillow in it to remind you not to dump) or make an organized space really close by (like a basket or small file folders). Make it easy to sort your stuff – if you don’t know where something goes, you won’t put it away.
CPA Lady
I did the “A Year to Clear” program on Daily OM dot com. It really changed how I interacted with my home.
Basically my problem was that I did not “see” the clutter in the moment I was creating it, and had this idea that it was better to do a bunch of things at once rather than doing stuff right away (i.e. let a bunch of stuff pile up to deal with ‘later’). So I would walk out of the kitchen after making dinner, completely oblivious to how chaotic the kitchen looked until I walked back in. I started forcing myself to slow down and pay attention and be more aware of my surroundings and mindful of my process. I also started having routines– I run the dishwasher every night and empty it every morning. Period. I fill up my car with gas every Saturday morning. When I create trash, it goes right into the trashcan.
Anonymous
You mileage will vary depending on your particular problem areas, but here are three hard line rules that I find have the biggest bang for your buck in three different rooms (or, for smaller apartments, functions):
1) Make your bed every morning.
2) Open your mail over a recycling bin and immediately toss anything you don’t need.
3) Clean your sink every evening before bed. This is a Fly Lady tip — and she can be over the top about it– but it is incredibly effective. It means you don’t let dishes pile up, and it’s easier to clean your kitchen as you go if your sink is empty.
Senior Attorney
I do these, too.
I also clean up the kitchen immediately after dinner — do the dishes, wipe down the countertops, start the dishwasher. It’s like a signal to my brain that “the kitchen is closed” and the relaxing evening can begin.
Anonymous
What is this thing you call a relaxing evening? By the time I get the counters wiped it’s time to collapse into bed.
Senior Attorney
Heh just wait a few years until the kids are grown. It’s worth the wait!
Anonymous
You know, thinking about the kitchen like that is really helpful. I clean the kitchen every night after dinner, but don’t immediately run the dishwasher in case another dish needs to get added later. Which means I usually forget to run it, and then the kids’ reusable lunch stuff isn’t ready in the morning. But, there’s no reason why I should be using another dish after dinner – I’m trying to stop the midnight snacking. Kitchen is closed! may be my new motto.
Walnut
– Remove horizontal surfaces unless they serve a REALLY good purpose.
– Open your mail immediately and purge the envelopes and junk mail. Set everything for electronic delivery, set up Opt Out PreScreen to get rid of credit card offers, and purge all informational mail immediately. You can always Google for information later.
– Have a box to immediately throw kid stuff in. I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with both kid stuff and the mail on a daily basis, so I only choose to deal with mail.
Jules
How do you set up Opt Out PreScreen?
Messy Trying to Reform
I am not an organized person by nature. I’ve asked my organized friends for tips in the past, and they’d say some of the tips above, like to always put everything in its place when you’re finished with it. But that felt overwhelming sometimes, and I finally realized it was because not everything had a place. And picking up every night felt overwhelming because there was so much stuff to pick up and I felt like it was going to take my whole night, and I was already tired. So, here’s what I’ve been doing for the past several months at my house, and these things have helped me tremendously. Again, this has only been a few months, but at this point, my house is neat enough that I forget what day the housekeeper is coming.
I started with a huge purge. This took several days, but I cleaned out my entire house. I’m going through a divorce, so it was all related. After I got rid of all the stuff I didn’t want or need, I took stock and tried to figure out logical places for everything.
Touch it once rule — I do this with mail. When I get the mail, I throw the junk away immediately without even putting it on the table. Then sort everything else and do whatever needs to be done with it. Doing this daily takes literally seconds.
Nightly declutter — At least 5 nights per week, I set a timer on my phone for 15 mins and just straighten up the house. I use that time to load/unload the dishwasher, throw things away that I don’t need, unpack boxes from amazon and put the stuff away, wipe off the dog bowls, fold sheets, etc. NOTE: I don’t do all of that stuff every night. Just whatever fits into 15 mins. When the timer goes off, I stop. That is very important to me. This way I don’t spend an hour cleaning and feel like my entire life is devoted to it. I figure 15 mins is not a huge sacrifice. I also don’t do it every single night because I want to be gentle with myself.
Look for stuff that doesn’t have homes — If there’s something that I continually get stuck on or that I can never really find a good home for during my nightly declutter, I put some thought into it and try to come up with a solution. For example, I’d end up with huge piles of credit card apps and stuff that needed to be shredded. So I moved my shredder from the home office into the kitchen next to the trash can so that I can just shred it immediately when I throw other junk mail away. Sometimes it’s involved buying a small bin or whatever, but I’ve now found a good home for just about everything. This makes the clean up process much easier.
I generally do have to just think about this stuff more than a naturally organized person. Almost every day I look around purposefully and see what’s out of place or what is starting to look cluttered. If I don’t do that very consciously, I just won’t see it until it’s overwhelming.
Tidy tips
1. Do not delay as in I’ll put it up later. Embrace that Nike logo.
2. Do not underestimate what can be accomplished in five minutes.
Anon
Just do it is key for me. I don’t really want to do those dishes right now, but I know it’s going to take 10-15 minutes top and then I’ll be done with them and I’ll feel soooo much better, knowing there’s not a pile in the sink.
Christine
We’re waiting to go public until we can tell our parents in person, so they’re the first people to know, but I got engaged this weekend, and I just have to tell someone! The decision had been made a while ago, of course, but the proposal timing was a surprise, and the moment was so perfectly us.
Anonymous
Congratulations!!!
Jo March
So exciting! Congrats!!
Anonymous
:) :) :) :) :)
Congratulations!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo! Congratulations!!
Anon
Congrats! Innocent question though, wouldn’t your parents already know?
OP
How would they know?
Anon
Yes, I’m confused. How would they know if she hasn’t told them yet?
Anon
My husband asked my parents’ permission/told them before hand. This is probably old fashioned though. Sorry! Congratulations!
Christine
Haha, my mother’s reaction would likely have been something like, “She won’t let me pick out a scarf for her; you think she would give me a say in this?”
But thank you! Our relationship doesn’t feel any different, but it’s a big relationship milestone and I’m excited to share the news once our “secret engagement” is over!
Baptism
What are usual baptism gifts? Looking for something special under $50.
Anonymous
Cash, a nice edition of a child’s book (not necessarily religious) a stuffed lamb.
Godzilla
When I read “stuffed lamb”, I immediately thought ofa real lamb stuffed with herbs and rice or something, and thought “that sounds tasty but expensive, nice”.
Anonymous
Money and a stuffed lamb.
Anonymous
I still have some sterling silver cups (with my initials) that were given to me at my baptism.
Anon
I like to buy board books. Pat the Bunny, Goodnight Moon, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and Jamberry are my go-tos.
anon
I gave these handmade silver spoon crosses to my goddaughters. Check out https://silverplateandspoon.com/
SMC-SD
Usual = books, silver cup, money.
My go-to: http://cynthiawebbdesigns.com/bless-this-room-child-room-blessing/
KateMiddletown
What about a gift for the 4th child in a family? They have 4 under 8 so I know more kiddo clutter isn’t needed, and we don’t know them well enough to give a gift of cash.
Anonymous
Board books because the child’s older siblings have probably eaten all the books they have.
anon
Is this for a baby or a child? Generally, for that situation I think disposable things are nice – playdoh, markers, coloring books, paint supplies, sidewalk chalk. We go through a lot of that stuff. Otherwise, gift card to Target or a local museum/zoo they’d enjoy.
Huh
You have to know someone well to give them cash? I’ve always thought of cash as a fairly impersonal gift that I default to for acquaintances. I put more effort into finding my close friends something tangible that I think they’ll like.
Anonymous
Cash if you’re Catholic
FP
We received books (a board book about nighttime prayers was very sweet), cash, and some baby clothes. Another sweet thing was a donation in baby’s name to the local Catholic Charities office.
Anononon
I feel like Kat is always the laziest with the plus picks. I like this one, but it’s sold out at the link provided and, contrary to the text, easily findable elsewhere (eg: N+Z website style number R171133 (regular, petite, and plus); Bloomingdales webID 2761386 (plus), 2779858 (regular)). I get that the plus picks aren’t fun for Kat, but try a little!
Anonymous
I think she’s knocking it out of the park with plus size picks lately and seems to be enjoying it. Stuff fairly often gets sold out, including her straight size picks.
Anonymous
I think she is choosing the items in all size ranges too far in advance, and they get sold out in most sizes before they get posted.
Anon
Agreed, I see this with many of the picks, not just the plus size ones
Anon
I think this jacket is a great plus size pick for a shorter lady than me (5’10”) – otherwise, i’d have bought it. I’ve bought many of the plus size picks since she started making them a regular feature and will continue doing so.
Paging Talls Looking for a Black Tweed Jacket
There’s a very good tall version of this jacket in the Karl Lagerfeld collection of Long Tall Sally. They have a great tween dress/jacket set currently.
Anon
That’s an odd rec to make on a plus sized thread. Karl Lagerfeld has said really awful things about plus sized women. I would never support him.
Anon
This is a bizarre comment. She’s replying with a specific recommendation for a specific need.
Social Media Break
Since the late summer, I had a lot of life changes (moved, friendships changes, new job, etc.) and found myself constantly checking social media, seeing what others are up to, and playing the comparison game. I realized I was using it as an escape from my own life stresses but it was also preventing me from seeing the great things I had going on.
Once I realized that, I took a break from social media (deleted instagram and took the fb app off my phone for about a week) and I felt better. I’m now working on developing a healthy balance between engaging and not engaging – especially when I’m going through rough times. I felt kind of silly at first but honestly, its been helping. Does anyone else feel the need to disengage from social every now and then?
Elegant Giraffe
Yes. I remove the FB app from my phone every couple of months for a few weeks. Feels great. (That’s the only social media I am on.)
Torin
I deleted it from my phone permanently a year ago. I log in on my computer and scroll through while I’m eating breakfast and drinking my coffee and that’s it. It’s awesome.
AnonZ
Yep – I just took the Twitter app off my phone because I was becoming obsessive about keeping up on the news and it was basically just stressing me out.
I do occasional weeklong breaks from Facebook, as well, and I don’t feel as tethered to it as I used to.
Senior Attorney
It’s the real news that stresses me out, so yes, I try to take little breaks from that. Went away and unplugged for 3 days over Christmas and it was divine so I am remembering how that felt and unplugging when I get too crazy with events of the day.
I think it’s good to take whatever breaks help your equilibrium!
Earrings
Yes. Last summer I felt I could no longer ignore the research that suggested that FB use made people unhappy. I went cold turkey for a month – which was hard for about 2 days, then awesome. After coming back I unfollowed a ton of people. Basically, I’m now down to keeping up with my college buddies, not local friends who I see regularly and not acquaintances. It’s been a positive change for me.
FB Deleter
I deleted FB when I was studying for the bar about two years ago (actually deactivated my account) and did a complete delete of my account a few months ago (Yes it’s possible). I seriously love not having it.
I stay in touch with friends via emails, whatsapp. I have been using the whatsapp voice notes feature to leave my friends “voicemails” and it has been going amazingly well.
I do have an Instagram addiction. I have been slowly unfollowing all the random accounts I follow. Hoping it will result in a shorter and more lovely feed for me to scroll through. I also find that limiting the times I can check really helps keep my usage down down e.g. only when I resting in between sets at the gym or waiting for the bus etc.
BeenThatGuy
I’ve done the same thing. I’m 4 months off FB and have never felt better. I keep Insta but have also un-followed several hundred (kinda embarrassing to admit it was that many) meme accounts. I stick to friends, food and crossfit stuff. I’m one once or twice a day. I’ve gotten back HOURS of my life. It’s great!
MomAnon4This
One thing I do in transitions (moving to new city, new job, my kid going to a new school) is hide the people from my old life that I am disengaging from and try to highlight and LIKE more of my newer local friends that are part of my new life. Not that I don’t like my fellow parents from when my kid was in preschool – but their kid’s kindergarten experience was different, and I can check back in with them (unhide them) once I’m more stable.
SSJD
Plantar fasciitis–I was diagnosed with this is October. I have been doing exercises and icing my foot pretty religiously, but I am not seeing any improvement. Have others successfully dealt with this using foot/leg strengthening exercises alone? Is getting shoe inserts/orthotics inevitable? Any other ideas?
Anonymous
If you run, go to a specialty running store for a shoe fitting. Also look into the “Strassburg sock” for nighttime wear–it is supposed to keep the plantar fascia elongated while you sleep.
Anon
if this is the sock that has no toes, it has done wonders for my husband. He used to cry out in pain when stepping out of bed in the morning. The first day after he wore the sock for a night, no pain at all. We found it on Amazon by searching plantar fasciitis sock, and it’s highly reviewed. Not expensive either, less than $20 if I recall correctly.
Anonymous
This is the one that has an elongated toe that connects to the shin to keep your foot flexed.
Anon
Oh, we just bought the compression sleeve
it’s called the Bitly compression foot sleeve. it is very minimal. It totally worked. Read the reviews.
I’ll post a link separately.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01GGNWYJE/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1
Anonymous
Yes this sock helps my husband so much.
anon
Have you tried a night splint? That helped me immensely. Also, don’t go barefoot. Wear something with arch support at all times, even around the house.
Baconpancakes
I used stretching, icing, ibuprofen, and inserts (Vionic Orthoheels). I still occasionally wear heels and shoes without inserts for special occasions, though I probably shouldn’t, and it seems to be doing ok. Other than moving up a half size for most shoes to fit the insert in, I wear “normal” shoes, although I look for more supportive/flat shoes now.
It did take about 6 months for the pain to go away completely.
anon
I get a bout of planter fasciitis about once a year or so. The one and only thing that helps is to sleep in a boot until the pain is gone. I got the “Plantar Fasciitis Posterior Night Splint” one from Amazon for ~$25 and it works fine. Also, during that period of time (which typically lasts 2-5 days), I avoid walking any significant distance in ballet flats, flipflops, or other unsupportive shoes.
Anonymous
Smashing a lacrosse ball in to your foot every morning before you get out of bed. Sit on the bed and put your weight on the ball, roll back and forth, up and down, in to your heel, etc. – you can find videos online.
I tried the night splints and found they didn’t really help me, but my brother liked them, so worth a shot!
Anon
I bought a pair of birkenstocks to wear around the house and stopped going barefoot.
Anon
Yes this for sure. Whether birkenstocks (my choice) or believe it or not, Crocs RX (my husband’s choice recommended by the podiatrist) anyone with plantar fasciitis, morton’s neuroma or other common foot issues should NEVER go barefoot. You need arch support full time unless you are off your feet.
Get the sock and get some house shoes you will wear religiously.
Torin
This, but crocs.
Anonymous
It helped me to roll a golf ball underneath my foot (see above suggestion of a lacrosse ball).
I’m a masochist, so what helped – I kid you not – was running, and then, once it was warmed up, stretching my calf and foot for several minutes at a time. If your doctor doesn’t recommend that or if you don’t want to do it, that’s more than understandable, but it went away in about a month with that regimen.
MJ
I had it about a year ago, for four months. I thought that getting inserts with more padding was the answer, NOPE. I finally saw a podiatrist and arch supports made all the difference. You can buy arch supports and glue them into your shoes or insoles. I didn’t have to buy expensive insoles–just adding arch supports made all the difference. Also Advil and ice…keep it up. And throw away offending shoes–ones that really hurt your feet. They are off limits.
Last, my doctor told me to quit walking so much. I was walking five to six miles a day between my walking commute to work and walking my dog. I was exacerbating it. Don’t try to run or walk a lot during this. But if you do walk, do it with support.
I am fine now. All in the rearview, and I don’t have to wear special shoes or inserts or anything.
Anon
Does anyone have advice for doing yoga with plantar fasciitis? I’d hate to give up yoga but balancing on that foot hurts.
Anonymous
Try the pose and if you can’t do it, then it isn’t a big deal. You can modify by putting your foot partly on the ground or going to the wall if you want to hold on to something. Sometimes I stretch my calf instead of doing the pose if my pf is acting up.
Anon
I couldn’t do much yoga when I was dealing with this, it was just too painful and made it worse. Maybe you could try getting a special sock/wrap to wear?
BeenThatGuy
I tired everything from home remedies and stretching to very expensive orthotics. I finally decided on Ultrasound Therapy. It was worth every penny. I’m 3 years pain free.
Anon
So, my husband has a problem with work that has become my problem. He’s got a stressful job. I understand his role, the pressure, etc. completely, as I had basically the exact job a few years back. I’m home part time with the kids, working part time. Of course, I do more around the house.
However, where we’re having an issue is that my husband is letting balls drop left and right, both at work and at home. He’ll come home, then get pulled back into work and disappear without notice for hours. Or he’ll do things like offer to put one our 18 month old to bed so I can put the big kids to bed and an hour later she comes wandering downstairs by herself because daddy had to dig into work emails and stopped paying attention.
I’ve told him time and time again to stay as late as he needs to at the office. If I know it’s a late night [or even likely to be a late night], I can handle everything solo. He never manages to give me *any* notice, and just doesn’t show up in time for bedtimes. So we talked about it, and decided that my default would be he’d be home late. Fine. Except then he starts coming home again early (dinner time-ish), and I don’t have a grown-up dinner ready, so he’s scrambling to make his own dinner while I”m trying to feed the kids, which is super annoying and actively un-helpful (now the kids want what he’s having, or they want to visit while they’re supposed to be eating). Or he’ll come home early as a surprise, offer to do bedtime, then get a critical call and just bail, leaving the kids wondering where dad went and when he’s going to come back and kiss them goodnight. Or he’ll try and work while playing with the kids, and everyone is frustrated. WE HAVE AN OFFICE. He needs to go in there and use it, not answer emails from the couch while the kids try and get his attention.
This morning, he offered to watch the 18 month old while I took a quick shower before he left. I got in the shower, and not 5 minutes later the kid was in the bathroom climbing on the toilet and pulling stuff off the counter. I yelled out to my husband, who never came in. I got out of the shower, heard my husband talking to what I presumed was another of our kids, rescued the kid [and our stuff] back to safety, and came out to find my husband answering emails and on the phone. WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. All he had to do was come in, plop Kid in the bathroom and say “i’ve got an urgent call.” But he didn’t– he’s not making the hand-off and it leaves me thinking he’s in charge when he isn’t.
I’m 100% sure he’s sucking equally at work right now, with the same communication issues (“i got this!” and then doesn’t actually have it and the work equivalent of the 18 month old wandering around the house an hour after bedtime happens.) He feels like a failure all around, and I don’t really know how to help.
Other than having him stay late at work (which he can’t/won’t/doesn’t do), and constantly asking him to be better about communicating [to me, but also to the kids who are really starting to notice) when something up and he needs to step away and back into work, I’m really out of ideas.
Anonymous
I think you’re trying to fix to much. Honestly he’s putting your kids in danger. An 18 month old traipsing about totally unsupervised? Uncool. Focus on that stuff. Also is he a child? If he gets home and there’s no dinner tell him to wait.
Forget the work side of it. You can’t fix everything.
Anon
On the dinner side, it’s not “wait until I prep something for you, darling!” But like, “either sit down and hang with us while we eat, or go away until we are done because you in the kitchen doing your own thing messes up our routine.”
it’s saftey, but it’s also that the older kids (4,6) are old enough to notice that they are spending time with the back of dad’s phone, not dad. It’s better when I can say he’s working late and will check on them when he gets home vs being home-but-not-home.
My question really is, I’ve talked to him about it. He knows it’s a problem, but it keeps happening. The shower thing was this AM and I don’t even know what to suggest. That he simply never watch the kids because it’s possible a call will come in that he had to take and he’ll stop paying attention? That is absurd (right?).
Heck even an EMT or some on-call medical professional can swing a “gotta go save lives now, see you all later and have a great night, love ya!” Instead of just ghosting. And DH does not have that role.
Anonymous
Oh, then book a marriage therapy appointment and tell him he has to attend. You’re right. It is absurd.
Anonymous
Yeah that’s absurd. He can and should play an equal role in raising your children.
Anon
I’m so sorry. The fact that he knows it’s a problem but isn’t doing anything about it would drive me up the wall. I think that is your issue. Therapy is probably the answer.
Your situation kind of reminds me of this https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
Anonymous
This is awful. I think people will say he sounds depressed (which he does), that you should make a time to sit down with him, without the kids. Personally, I would threaten to kick him out because he is COMPLETELY disrespecting you and the children, he is not modeling (a) healthy work habits; (b) healthy relationship habits; (c) good parenting; (d) good husband-ing; or (e) anything you want your children learning, really. He is not being your partner. He is not doing well at work. He’s going to need that job to pay you child support for those kids. If he can’t figure it out, he needs to man up and tell you that he needs help, and HOW you can help. He appears to be self-sabotaging, hard core, which is what makes me say he sounds depressed. But geez, this dude sounds awful.
Anon fed
+1
BeenThereInMyHair
yes, this sounds awful, but threatening to leave your husband because he’s distracted and going through a tough time is not a good answer (to me). If it is to you, I hope your partner is perfect.
KT
…. he is endangering his children. asking for safe children is not asking for perfection.
Anonymous
I think you are on the right track here–he either needs to be working or engaged with the family, not trying to do both at the same time. Since he is refusing to respect the limits to which he has already agreed (e.g., he is not working late and is then getting in your way at home), I would stop allowing him to claim responsibility for any child-related or domestic tasks. For example, if he says he’s going to put the toddler to bed, I’d say “No thanks, last time you did that something came up with work and she ended up wandering around the house an hour past bedtime. I will put her to bed. Why don’t you go into the home office to get your work done and come join us when you are finished with work?” And if he gets in your way, he needs to get out of it: when he comes home early and starts making his own dinner, tell him he’s going to have to wait until the kids are done with theirs because he’s distracting them from eating. Over and over and over again until he starts to get the message.
Also, his phone needs to be turned to do not disturb mode and put away after a certain hour at night, unless he’s truly indispensable (on-call physician, judge on warrant duty, etc.).
Anon
He is the executive to which all Major Issues get escalated for a tech firm. He gets angry CEO/CIOs of $10M accounts calling him at random times when they have an issue. So, he can’t go on full “off,” truely, but he can put the phone away unless it rings.
His company is going through a major crisis which means all the client issues are magnified and go to him. I really, truely, get it.
He hates working late because he feels like he never sees the kids. So he tries to come home early. I really get that, too.
But it’s not working, because it’s halfway. If he can’t detach from work, I can’t have him here. If I were working full time, we’d be in a very different situion because I’ve had this job. My kids didn’t roam wild while I took a call. I told the nanny she’d have to work late, or didn’t answer an email for 5 minutes until I finished whatever I was doing with the kids, made sure they were supervised, and scurried into the office never to be seen again. I know he’s just not triaging/communicating well and idk if there’s an underlying cause, or he just sucks and needs practice.
Every single time I call him on it, he tells me I’m right, and he’s sorry. I just don’t know how to help (if I can) him change this behavior- it’s awful for both of us.
Anon
Two options:
Treat him as if he’s working late all the time and you’re single parenting it. If he gets home early, he goes straight to the office and can’t come out until he’s texted you to find a good time. Seriously. He’s acting like a bachelor right now, and these are the consequences of that behavior. If he wants to start acting like a husband or a dad, he can stop being treated like one.
Have him schedule a meeting, on his physical calendar, with the kids. Maybe he schedules dinner two nights and bedtime two nights. One hour slots where he is unreachable, or he at least leaves the phone in another room (so he can hear it when it rings). Any missed time MUST be made up, and he must have an advance plan for when that will happen within 2 days. So if the phone rings in the middle of dinner, he tells the kids “Oh no! I have to take this, but X instead tomorrow.” If that’s truly not possible, then he needs to realize he’s choosing his job over his kids. Which is an okay choice, but he doesn’t get to whine about it or create more stress for you. And you need to think long and hard about what your life looks like (and the kids’ lives) with someone who can’t commit to only 4 hours a week of guaranteed family time.
Senior Attorney
This sounds sensible.
If he’s in a work crisis then the whole family needs to go into crisis mode. Hire extra household help if you need to. Have him attend to his work 100% and you hold down the fort, assuming no help from him. And if the “crisis” doesn’t end at some point,then you need to decide whether this is acceptable to you in the long term or whether you would rather be a single parent for reals.
No Problem
Does he have a trusted deputy with whom he could trade off night call duty? He takes M-W-F and the deputy takes Tu-Th? I get that it’s his job, but his company has to have someone else who can hold down the fort for at least a couple hours each week.
H
Ug, yeah, unfortunately I don’t think you can’t trust him with childcare duties. Letting an 18 month old wander around unsupervised puts her in danger. At the very least, you should commit to 100% if the responsibility for the 18 month old and put off any of his attempts to watch her. Hire a babysitter if you need to, but for now I’d say don’t let your husband watch the kids until he can prove he’ll do it without working. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s horrible to not be able to count on your husband when you need to.
MJ
Listen, if you want change, he needs to want to change too. His actions are showing that he is unable or unwilling to change right now, despite intentions. I’m gonna borrow a Senior Attorney saying here, but “He is showing you who he is…believe him.”
I think you need a counselor, because he is not able to communicate well. He needs to communicate.
He is endangering your children. I get the work panic–he’s not doing great, so when someone asks for something, he needs to do it well, immediately. Fine. But he needs to communicate, and he’s not.
Therapy.
Anon
I’m not sure I wholly agree with “he’s telling me who he is, believe him” here. He’s been a good dad for many years. He still is, when he’s not trying to deal with work. We’ve been married for 10. This is a recent thing- I don’t think all of a sudden he woke up and decided work > kids. In fact, I know he doesn’t feel that way.
But he’s having a lot of trouble balancing everything, and doing nothing well. And it has become a reliability/saftey issue. So to the extent we can manage in the shorter term, we have to. It’s just been a work crisis after work crisis couple of months and he isn’t managing it well (at work or at home), and while he can have weekends of nothing and weeks of normalcy, it’s when crisis mode hits that he’s struggling I think.
Anyway, thank you for your thoughts. It’s just a bit more complex, I think, knowing that (I think) he really wants to do better/be better at balance and just can’t figure it out right now.
Anonymous
It doesn’t sound at all to me like he is putting work before kids, more like he can’t let go of the idea of being a totally hands-on dad, is trying to do it all at once, and is therefore doing all of it badly. If this is a temporary work crisis then he needs to let go and just lean in for a few months.
Anon in NYC
Yes, this. He sounds like he still wants to be an involved father, but can’t do so fully at this time. He needs to realize that he can’t be a fully present father right now, and that his attempts at doing so are actually causing his family more stress and more disruption, and in some cases is dangerous for the kids. It would actually be easier for everyone else if he was fully engaged at work and less engaged at home. His struggle is that he doesn’t want that – he wants it all. I empathize with that, but he has to realize that by taking a temporary step back on the home front that he’s actually putting his family first.
Senior Attorney
Yes, that’s what I was saying above.
Anon
I think this is great perspective and I’ll share it tonight. Maybe if we put a good family action on the books and schedule some weekend activities for him to be fully present, he’ll feel more like he’s present even when he works more during the week.
And he really is doing what I see so many parents-and *often* moms- do, which is try to do everything.
FWIW, I don’t need to hire help. I’m not swamped or underwater. That’s why I’m part time now. He’s not bailing i a way that leaves me stuck failing at work. He’s just offering help, then not following through in a way that leaves me stuck. Not having help at all is much preferred, as the kids and I have a good “solo” routine, just as we have a good family routine.
Anon
Can you hire extra help for the next few months and just get through this crisis?
Anonymous
There is a saying: you can’t chase both rabbits.
Your husband is trying to chase both rabbits and failing at one (family), leaving you to pick up the slack.
Assuming good intentions (easier for us strangers to do than for a very frustrated you), he would probably rather answer emails from the comfort of home and get to see the kids than to be stuck at work all night. I bet if he were asked the #1 thing he wants from all this, it would be to see his family every day.
You, on the other hand, understandably don’t want the kids to see him always on the phone, checking emails, etc., and then dropping the ball is another level of bad.
It seems like you are managing that by trying to put him in a box – staying at work, not allowing him to make dinner when he’s able to get out of work early, having him work in the office, etc. That’s wrong. You don’t get to do that. He is NOT one of your children.
Try this:
“Dear, if you’re able to make it home from the office and join us for dinner, would you be able to sit down with cheese and crackers, and I will make you a complete meal once the kids are done? You can eat while you answer emails and take work calls. That way, we all get a half hour of quality time with you, the kids aren’t leaping up from their chairs during dinner because they are so excited to see Daddy, and I’m not colliding with you in the kitchen trying to get the kids fed.”
Try to not shame him for being torn. I think this is a situation in which reduced expectations will help him not feel like a failure and help you to not be frustrated. It’s great that he’s volunteering for child care duty, not throwing it on your shoulders or asking you to do the emotional labour of delegating, but it’s not working. Sincerely thank him for it! Then explain the way things break down, and have *him* offer solutions.
(I am NOT implying that husbands ought to be thanked for the smallest of co-parenting tasks, but the OP said that her husband feels like a failure. Men like feeling like their contribution is appreciated, and some people – I know I am one of them – really hate feeling like failures for having other demands on their time, even as everyone around them enjoys the fruits of that stress.)
Anonymous
I don’t think this is quite fair to OP. He is getting in her way, setting a bad example for the kids, and endangering their safety. It is perfectly reasonable of her to ask him to work in the home office and not to distract the kids from their dinner.
Anon
I don’t think OP should require an all or nothing though. I don’t think it sets a bad example for kids to be around them while on your phone. I bet half the working mothers here play that juggling game all.the.time. We go home and be with our kids and work. Let’s not fault dads for doing the same thing.
Anonymous
I don’t. I tried it and it’s not possible. You can either parent or you can work, but not both at once. End of story.
Anonymous
“He is getting in her way,”
Okay, right there. How would the women here react if someone said, “My husband says that I get in his way at home”? Would we be okay if a man said that a woman “got in his way” at the office?
Seriously, he’s not a child. “You’re getting in my way” is what you say to children and people who walk at the start of marathons when seeded in the three-hour corral, not grown adults who have every right to be in the kitchen, too.
Anonymous
If he has dumped 100% of the child care responsibilities on her and then distracts the kids while they are supposed to be eating dinner, he is getting in her way. If I got in the middle of some task my husband was trying to do at home and started messing things up, he’d say I was getting in his way too.
Anon
“Go to your room (the office).”
“Don’t make dinner when we are eating.”
“Don’t text and play with the kids.”
Sorry not sorry, she’s treating him like a toddler whose actions need to be neatly scheduled in, not a grown adult who gets to make decisions, too.
I have been through this with my boyfriend. I don’t make rules because he’s a brilliant, grown man and rules are for kids and subordinates. It took us a while, but we’ve talked about goals, stressors, etc. I don’t tell him “You have to do this” or “You can’t do that.” I want him to be an equal partner in creating solutions. That cannot happen if I mommy him.
Anon
I would try to deal with the most important problem first, which is that he is putting your youngest child in danger when he assumes responsibility for her and then stops paying attention. It should not be too much to ask that if he needs to answer a call or respond to an email while he is watching her, he lets you know beforehand so you can take over.
If he is unable or unwilling to do this, that’s when I would consider making more serious demands, like: he must turn his phone on silent when he is at home between the hours of X and Y – if he is unable to do that, he needs to stay at work or in the home office.
The rest of it sounds incredibly annoying, but the safety issues would be a deal-breaker for me. Something has to change. He can’t keep putting your daughter’s safety at risk – it is unacceptable.
Anonymous
cuyana handle top bag in miele (tan brown) or black? Currently agonizing. Also if anyone has this bag, how is the clasp? easy to open? Also other bags I currently already have: black leather tote, navy pearl crossbody for L&S, and a light blue kate spade satchel tote. I don’t have any brown bags but I wonder if that is for a reason? I wear mostly blacks/greys/navy and purple/greens.
Anon in NYC
Oh how pretty. Personally, I’d get the miele. You don’t have anything like it, and it’s a neutral that will work with your entire wardrobe.
Anonnna
Not answering your question at all, but DH got me a Cuyana weekender bag (GO DH!!) in a medium gray canvas-like material and monogrammed for xmas. And, OMG, this brand is my new obsession. Get the bag and report back!
Anonymous
Very pretty! Wonder if it could hold a MacBook.
+1 for the Miele. Goes with purple, greens, blacks, and navy.
Flats Only
Ugh – here’s a good one. I googled myself this morning to see whether a non-profit I am involved with had me listed on their website (it’s a big, weird site, so easier to just google than to dig around in it).
The number three result for my name is a Russian p*rn star. I am planning to start a job search soon. Not sure if this will get me more interviews or fewer interviews.
Lunch Puzzle
At least that’s pretty likely to get written off as internet weirdness. The top results for my name are all about a pageant contestant who is very active on her cringe-y social media (workout routine for bigger b00bs! my rival stole my man and my crown! which bikini is s*xier?). The best part is we’re within 5 years of the same age and from the same state.
Anon
I hired a temporary assistant once who had a hysterical tagline in her resume. She had her name, address, email and twitter handle with an asterisk after. In the footnote, following the asterisk she said “Twitter handle included to be clear that I am not @______.” The other handle was a model of instagram type with very questionable photos. They had the same name, age, region. I thought it was a clever way of addressing it head on.
Anonymous
That is hilarious and I wouldn’t mind it at all if it happened to me. I have the opposite problem–a prominent person in a field closely related to mine has the same name, so her name pops up first in searches and people are always disappointed to find out that I am just “the other Jane Doe” and not the real Jane Doe. I have seriously heard, “Oh, you are the OTHER Jane Doe” more than once upon meeting people. I am pretty sure that I was once invited to review a journal article because the editors thought I was the real Jane Doe.
Anon
That’s awesome. Now The Real Slim Shady is stuck in my head.
Anon
similar to the post above, I could use some advice/thoughts about reframing my relationship with my parents. They are immigrant parents but fairly young/modern which is relevant because they were very involved with my life, took my education very seriously (and paid for it), and have some traditional values but also realize their kids have grown up here.
I am so grateful for everything that they have given me. But I have been financially independent for the last 7 years, live in a different city from them, and generally live my own life. I am 30 and have a busy job but I still feel like they are overbearing. They can’t seem to accept that I want to keep certain things private, and when there is something I haven’t told them, my dad will gather things I have said and use google to get more details.
There’s also the expectation that if I want a vacation, I will travel with my family, which is nice, but I really just want my own life. And the idea of solo travel would not be accepted – I’m sure my mom would try to come with me.
How do I reframe this into a more adult relationship? I love my parents and am close to them but I feel like they have a hard time accepting me as an adult living an independent life (funnily enough, it’s getting worse now that I’m older and still single).
Anonymous
That’s creepy and you can go right ahead and travel by yourself. Therapy for the rest of your question.
Anon
Parents are tough. I’ve managed mine by controlling the amount of information I give them. If you want to plan a trip, do it! And then go. You don’t need to tell them about it ahead of time. If they don’t know about it until after the fact, they can’t try to talk you out of it.
I also have started just being more assertive in how I make decisions. If I give my mom an inch, she will lay on the guilt – but if I just say: I’m doing X, and I’m excited to see you at Y time – it’s harder to argue.
Anonymous
Go on a vacation. Plan it yourself. Don’t tell them until a week or two before. Say things like “no you can’t come, I want to do this myself.”
Anon
Actually, tell them after. You can be “anywhere” when you call with a cell phone. They don’t need to know until after.
You grow more independent by being more independent. You don’t need their approval to live your life. You are looking for it, but you don’t need it.
Scarlett
Or just don’t tell them until you get home. At some point you just have to live independently and do your thing. If you keep seeking approval or permission, this won’t happen.
Senior Attorney
Yep. My parents used to always have some kind of crisis every. single. time. I went on vacation. Now I don’t tell them about my vacations until I’m back — and no more crises.
Anonymous
Stop telling them stuff. That’s the easiest and quickest solution. You don’t owe them any details about your life.
H
Agree. You don’t have to tell them everything or anything for that matter. Live your life how you want to. The good news for you is that you live in a different city so presumably they won’t show up on your doorstep unannounced.
Anon
I agree with the other posters. Keep living your adult life, give your dad less info to google you with, and be direct with them. You don’t have to be hateful of course, just say what you want and then do it.
Anon
Learn how to set boundaries and enforce them. Seriously. That might take therapy or it might take several books or it might take a new hobby or who knows. But you need to work on boundaries.
Anonymous
My best friend is Indian-American (born here) and her parents are like this. It honestly never improved until she got married. As long as she was single, they just thought of her as their responsibility even when she was 30. Even now (we’re almost 40) she’s never traveled without her husband or parents. This was the price she was willing to pay for keeping the peace with her parents. I think a lot of white people who have the knee jerk reaction “that’s crazy, just ignore your parents” dont understand how common this attitude is in some cultures and how upset your parents will be if you go against their wishes.
Anonymous
At some point you just have to choose between accepting that your parents will be upset because you are living the life you want to live, and living a life you don’t want just to appease your parents. It’s a tough choice to have to make, but even by taking the path of least resistance you are making a choice.
Anonymous
It’s not going against their wishes, it’s just being choosy with what info you give your parents. If OP continues to talk to her dad about stuff, he will continue to be weird and invade her privacy by googling.
Anonymous
When I said “going against their wishes” I was talking about solo travel. I agree giving them less info in general is a good plan.
Anonymous
Indian-Am here and yep. I think all Indian Americans figure this out by the tine they are teens — share little to no info! Google and FB are like the worst things that ever happened bc they do search around on that — for you and to judge others’ lives; they don’t get that FB is just a snapshot and no one except their generation takes it soooo seriously.
As for travel – my parents always had the (unsaid) view that lives begin at marriage and you can do what you want once you have a husband. Well I’m late 30s and not married so . . . . Learned this the hard way 3-4 yrs ago — was super depressed due to a work situation and just felt like getting away for a few days to reflect, so somewhere warm. Made the mistake of saying – I wanted to head to Miami for a few days. They must have said about 8000 times – alone, you’re going to go ALONE, why, what are you even going to do??? They obviously couldn’t “forbid” it bc I was a grown up making plenty of money, living on my own but they got in my head the way immigrant parents do, and I was so beaten down by life that I just didn’t go.
Now I’ve learned – my job has business travel but minimal like 2-4 times/yr. As far as they’re concerned, I could be needed on the road monthly. So when I want to go someplace, I spin it as a business trip. Had a lovely 2 days in NYC before Christmas at a gorgeous hotel bc I had a last minute work trip (bc yeah lots of that travel happens on Dec 20). I know it’ll sound odd to non Asian Am that a grown 35 yr old exec acts like a teenager but honestly I was raised in such a way that their opinion still matters so if they go on and on about how I shouldn’t do something, it gets in my head and then I short change myself by not doing it. This is the easy way to do what I want. Of course this limits me to vacations in the lower 48 states bc no one is going to believe that I have a work trip to Bermuda or Europe – just don’t have that type of job.
Anonymous
I get what you’re saying, but it’s sad that you are so limited on where you can travel because of your parents. What’s the worse that could happen if you just packed up and went to Europe? They’ll follow you to the airport and pin you down?
You don’t even have to tell them ahead of time. Let them know you’ve arrived in X safely and you’ll see them in 2 weeks. The end.
Anonymous
You didn’t grow up that way so it’s hard to explain. Yes I could jump on a flight to London and just go. No they wouldn’t follow me. But they would spend 2 weeks stressing like you can’t imagine — not sleeping much; praying non stop. And then unless you intend to cut off the relationship, you will see them at some point upon returning. Do you think they don’t speak of it again? Do you think there aren’t guilt trips re how worried they were and how you hide your life? Do you think these guilt trips can be completed in anything less than a weekend? Frankly it’s easier for me to get a private sector job again and make it believable that Europe is part of my work travel now.
Anonymous
Again, what’s the worse that could happen? So they guilt trip you. You don’t have to listen to them. Change the subject. You are an independent adult. What you will allow will continue. If you let them control your life like this, they always will. Maybe you need some therapy for dealing with this.
Pakistani-Canadian
To the Anonymous at 2:11 – Check your privilege/ignorance.
Some of us just have different relationships with our families where upsetting them, stressing out during the vacation, and the consistent guilt trips regarding our disobedience is not worth the vacation. We concoct ways to get around it. Yes its not ideal but we choose to do that instead of hurting our parents or our relationship with them.
PHX
Maybe you need a “promotion” with international travel? :)
Anonymous
Lol – yes!! That would be quite the promotion in the fed government. Maybe I go back to the private sector – where I did in fact really go to London for work and added on 2 days to each trip.
Anon
I understood my friends with immigrant parents more after watching The Big Sick. I think everyone should see it.
Anon
GREAT movie
Anonymous
+1. And it’s a great movie.
Senior Attorney
Loved that movie!
Pakistani-Canadian
I lived a double life until I got married.
I went on my first trip “alone” to Mexico for school. We were with a professor and lived in a safe area but they said they were so worried that I was “forbidden” from going to other trips.
I did a week in Peru, a weekend in Puerto Rico, and texted/called them as normal from the hotel before heading out. They were none the wiser.
OP you have the advantage of being across the country from them. My advice is that you just don’t tell them you are going, then have a ball. Call them at regular times or say you are going to be super busy with work and may only be able to text intermittently with work. As Asian immigrant parents they may be super happy you are working so hard so double win
Anonymous
Indian Am who posted a longer reply below but can you spin it as business travel if you have that kind of job?
anon
On the google issue – my mom is the same way. If you give her any information (no matter how innocuous) she will be able to track down who you are dating, where you are going and so forth. She’s been known to say, does the person’s name start with [initial] just to prove she found them. If your dad is the same super sleuth, there is no way around it without just not talking to him. My suggestion is to make it a contest – purposefully give him clues, let him google and then see if he can figure it out.
Torin
I think some older people just don’t understand that googling everything about someone’ personal life is creepy. My sister’s mother-in-law walked up to our dad at her wedding rehearsal dinner and started asking him questions about an obscure news interview he had done 5 years ago that was still on youtube. This was the first time they had met. She googled _deep_ too because that video is not on the first google page when you search for his name. She had absolutely no idea that this was creepy and invasive. I’m also fairly certain she went through a good many of my and my siblings photos on facebook because, again, she asked about them. With no awareness at all that she was a complete creeper.
Point being, it may not have occurred to your dad that google stalking is creepy and invasive. He’s curious and he has a tool for satisfying that curiosity so he uses it. I’d ignore it.
Anon - OP
this is an interesting perspective… I felt like it was a violation of my privacy because I had specifically chosen to tell them some things but not others but maybe it was just him trying to satisfy his curiosity.
Anonymous
My perspective is if it’s Googleable or on social media where someone has access, you have no expectation of privacy in it.
Anon - OP
thank you for all the replies.
Some commenters nailed it – my parents are Indian-American and while they don’t mind if I travel with my friends, solo travel seems to be an issue.
It does feel different to me because there are cultural traditions and tendencies and I don’t want to cut them off or not tell them things. I was really hoping there was a middle ground here but I guess not.
Is this weird?
I recently lateraled to a midsize law firm (just under 100 lawyers.) No one here has a firm laptop; instead, everyone uses an old-school tower type computer. Now they want me to bring in my personal laptop so they can install the firm software on it in case I ever need to work from home. I really don’t want to do it; my husband and I share a MacBook (he has a work laptop) and it’s connected to our iPad, my iPhone, etc. There’s nothing overly personal on it, but I’m still not excited about handing it over to the firm IT department for a day. Also I just don’t really want the firm’s software on my personal computer.
Am I totally overreacting here?
Cornellian.
Definitely weird. Maybe it’s a good sign for how much they (don’t) expect you to work from home.
I’d probably buy a cheap netbook and take that in. Computers are incredibly cheap now.
Anonymous
Nope. I would buy a $200 netbook for this.
Anonymous
What do you mean by software? That’s what my midsized firm does, and the software is just Citrix to allow you to log in remotely.
Anon
Yes ,this is how my husband’s job does it. No company issued laptops, but you can install citrix on your own computer to work from home, which is no big deal. The alternative is that you drive into work to use your work computer if you need to log in during evenings/weekends. They do not work from home a lot but are “on call” for certain issues.
Blonde Lawyer
Same. I didn’t have to let IT touch my computer though. I just installed the software to remote in to my work computer.
BabyAssociate
What do you mean by “firm software”? If that means a VPN, then I have the same setup. No work laptop, I have a VPN on my personal computer for when I need to work from home.
Anon
I’m not sure, they just said they wanted to install firm software on it. It just irks me that they expect me to use my personal laptop for work reasons; but maybe it’s more normal that I realized.
Anonymous
Its pretty normal.
BabyAssociate
Assuming it’s a VPN or the like, I think it’s pretty normal. Work files won’t actually be on your computer, just the VPN program.
Anon
Darn, I really was hoping this was outrageous. I miss my old job that paid for everything.
Cornellian.
Oh, yeah, if it’s VPN then it’s normal. But at my two firms they didn’t need your computer physically to install it.
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, not unusual if it’s just VPN or the like. I’d find out what the software is and ask if you can install it yourself (or sit with IT guy while they do it). I find that when our IT guy says “I need to install X,” what he really means is “some people are technologically incompetent so I have to install stuff, but if you know how to use a computer as well as most people under age 40, feel free to do it yourself.”
Anon
My firm actually made me purchase a personal laptop that would also be used for work. And this was biglaw!
Green Hat
You should ask what they mean by “firm software.” If it’s just a VPN – whatever. But they might want to install Mobile Device Management (MDM) software on it. If that’s the case, I’d probe what their policies are on that. Can they monitor traffic from your device? Can they remote-wipe it? Etc.
Anonymous
Overreacting. My nyc biglaw firm did this as well as my federal govt agency. In both cases it was Citrix/vpn to get to the work servers. That’s it. In both places, they sent you a link and you could install it though if you wanted you could also bring in your laptop and have then do it – which the older crowd prefers. Why not say to the guy – anyway I can do it myself so I don’t need to bring in my laptop? In any case this isn’t your firm being cheap, this is standard. If it really really bothers you, go get a $400 laptop from Best Buy just for work purposes.
EM84
Sounds strange to me, but then, I work in Europe and not in law. If the company expects you to work from home, you get a company laptop (also to ensure data protection).
I do not use personal items for business use (my rule).
Leota perfect wrap dress
This came in the mail recently.
I have had trouble with DVF wraps b/c I am pretty flat-chested (yet I have hips). It’s a lot of fashion tape to keep it together.
The Leota is a mock-wrap and it is honestly perfect on me. It makes me look tiny overall (while I am a pear with 38″ hips for a 32″ bra band size). I ordered a small and that was the right size. I am so happy that I tried this.
anon
Thanks for sharing. I am your exact shape/bra size.
I see there is one Leota wrap at Nordstrom rack. It doesn’t say it is faux-wrap. Do you know if some of them are traditional wrap dresses (which I can’t wear either). Where did you get yours?
anon
Also, how deep is the v-neck? Do you need a camisole?
Leota perfect wrap dress
I got mine from their website. The V did not seem too deep to me. I am a modest dresser (factor in that I am so flatchested that it is hard for things to look to exposed except in the case of DVF just having too much loose fabric there). I am not planning to wear a cami.
waffles
These are my measurements too. Would you mind sharing a link? I would love to be able to wear a wrap dress!
Anonymous
Good to know! I’ve given up on DVF wraps. Honestly, I don’t know who they fit. I’m slightly busty (32DD) with trim hips and I still can’t get the wrap to fit well. If flat-chested types can’t wear them, it must be a very tiny segment of the population that can.
Anon
What do you think of the fabric quality and how it will hold up with washings? I had one but returned it as the fabric seemed really thin.
anon
My dear friend’s birthday is today. She didn’t want to do anything to celebrate, and she is a busy mom. We don’t usually do gifts, but I want to do SOMETHING. What can I send or give? Flowers seem weird. Mani/pedi?
Anonymous
Flowers. They aren’t remotely even a little bit weird.
H
Agree, I love getting flowers!
Scarlett
+1 my best girlfriends always send me birthday flowers and it’s a total treat
Anonymous
I love getting flowers too but one of my BFFs hates them, so it’s a know-your-audience thing.
Anonymous
It’s a little late for my idea, but better late than never . . . if I were your friend, I would very much appreciate a hand written letter/long card about what our friendship means to you, with some funny stories sprinkled in, etc. I don’t want stuff, I don’t have time for a mani/pedi (and I’m picky), although I do love flowers any day, any time. YMMV
Anonymous
What about a potted plant/flowers? They last longer than traditional cut flowers, and seem more friend-like.
Earrings
Are you local? Could you suggest that you come over one evening when the kids are in bed with wine and cheese?
Anonymous
I am about 2 and a half weeks out from getting a br&ast aug and I’m finally not in excruciating pain. I’m really happy I did it, and no one has noticed at work (went from wearing super padded bras to no padding, and it’s sweater weather). If you’re thinking of it, all I can say is, don’t skimp on your surgeon, schedule TWO weeks off work instead of one, and consider saline even though silicone is trendy right now.
Anonymous
If it’s not too personal, what specifically motivated your decision? (Not judging, just curious.)
Senior Attorney
Yes always double the amount of recovery time they tell you for any cosmetic procedure. I called my surgeon out on that after my tummy tuck and he said, I kid you not, “If we were really forthcoming about the recovery time nobody would want to have the procedures!”
Congratulaitons, OP!
lucysb
Congrats! I am thinking about the same… What inspires you to say that about saline vs. silicone? Was the pain truly unbearable? TIA! You’re inspiring me.
Space Heater
What’s the space heater that everyone here seems to love?
Anonymous
Vornado.
Horse Crazy
+1 I love my Vornado!!
lsw
I have gotten the Lasko brand one on Amazon and hooked my entire office on it, too.
To buy or not to buy...
Is buying the same MM.LaFleur dress in 2 different colors overboard?
Anon
If so then I went overboard a long time ago.
No, it’s not overboard. If you’ve found a dress that fits you perfectly, buy it in every color. No one will notice. Their designs are pretty basic.
Anonymous
I don’t own any MM LaFleur but I do this all the time. Heck, I’ve even bought two copies in the same color for when the first one wears out. I hate shopping so when I find a fit I like I’m going to stock up.
Anon
No. My entire wardrobe is full of work dupes. Two of the same skirt, 7 of the same crewneck merino sweater, three of the same sheath dress, etc.
Anonymous
I do this all the time. When I find something I like and it fits, I buy it in all the colours. I’ve even done it with shoes I love when I know I’ll have trouble finding the same ones next year.
Anonymous
I hope not, because I have two Annies and three Nisas.
Photography Tips
I have a slightly awkward photography question. I’m in a committed interracial relationship and my partner and I have drastically different skin tones. We take photos together pretty regularly, usually on our phones, but it’s difficult to flatter both of us. The few times we’ve had photos taken on nicer cameras by a friend or family member, there are still issues where either my features are blown out or his features look like they’re in shadow. We’d really like to have some nice pictures taken where we both look our best. Does anyone have experience with this kind of problem? Should I discuss this specifically with a photographer before hiring them, or this something that any decent photographer can handle? TIA!
Anonymous
Any decent photographer can handle this but most photogs have a portfolio online so you can look and see if they’ve shot any interracial couples and how the photos came out.
Anon
If you look at stock photos, they always show diverse work teams – the trick seems to be a light and bright background. No dark headshot-type backgrounds, but a room filled with windows and overhead and ambient light.
But it’s also true that some editing happens post-shot, and darker faces are often lightened up in order to show more detail. Some people of color complain that this makes them look more gray-toned than they are IRL. You just really need a photographer who knows what she’s doing and has lots of experience.
Anon
Here’s a typical one. Notice the light and bright background and surroundings. This is typical
https://www.google.com/search?q=stock.photo+work.meeting&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=ivn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwif2r2ZssvYAhUJ-2MKHZRmBm4Q_AUIESgB&biw=375&bih=597#imgrc=vs7VzyNBPIl1yM:
Anon
Here’s another
https://www.google.com/search?q=stock+photo+work+team&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=isnv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjWs8HpssvYAhVM9WMKHdhkBXIQ_AUIESgB&biw=375&bih=553&dpr=3#imgrc=WTI24xIUWSgl7M:
Anon
I think that’s a legitimate question to ask a potential photographer. Ask if they have experience and/or how they would plan on working with the two of you.
AlexisFaye
Ohhh. I don’t know about digital cameras, but did you know that film is inherently racist?!?! https://priceonomics.com/how-photography-was-optimized-for-white-skin/
Anonymous
I had this problem when I needed to take a photo with a co-worker for our company newsletter. We could never get a shot together, so we ended up having to do two side by sides.
No helpful solution, but comiseration… you’re not the only one with this problem.
Emma
This jacket is available on the Nic & Zoe website (in red as well) for regular sizes. Which I was very excited about since I really like it!
Kate
My in laws (MIL) just sent a long elaborate thank you note for all their Christmas presents. It’s so…forced? Meaning it’s the formulaic thank-you-note you’d get or write to great aunt Millie for the toaster she got you for your wedding.
They live 3k miles away. We opened Christmas presents together via factetime, and we all said many thank-you’d.
Am I breaching some social etiquette by not doing thank-yous? Fwiw my kids always write/color thank you for gifts they get in the mail- but this is so different. I’d never write my parents a thank-you for Christmas presents. I’d call, if we weren’t in person, and thank them. Or text a pic of me using what they gave me, with thanks. But to pen a full card?
I’m also asking because she sent a separate note to each of my kids. It feels like now they need to also write thank you s? We also sent presents to FIL and DH’s grandmother and sister (& kids), none of whom ever write thank you s (and we don’t care).
Anonymous
Yes, you and your children need to write thank-you notes. Formulaic is fine.
Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Thank you for the XYZ. I like it because/It is perfect for me because/I will use it to ABC. Can’t wait to see you when you visit this summer.
Love, Kid
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
I think in general with the older generation, you should follow their lead on stuff like this. They send formal written thank yous so they probably expect them. Your parents don’t and that’s fine. Fwiw, I’m 29 and was taught to always send a thank you unless the gift was from immediate family (my parents/siblings) or I opened in front of the person. This was pre-FaceTime of course, but I did usually thank my aunts/uncles/grandparents over the phone on Christmas and my birthday, and I still had to send them a written note in the mail afterwards. I don’t think it’s crazy to expect a written thank you when you weren’t physically together for the gift exchange.
Mrs. Jones
I think grandkids should send thank-yous to grandparents. I’m not as convinced that YOU need to send a card though.
Anonymous
+1
Elegant Giraffe
Agreed on this. I have a family friend who only allows the children to use the gift after they’ve written the thank you note.
AIMS
I don’t think you need to thank someone twice. You thanked them when you received the gift. There are some exceptions to this, traditionally, like at a baby/bridal shower but I think anything else is extra. Like, if I got tickets to a show, I would thank the gift giver upon receipt and then let them know I enjoyed it after I saw it. Or if I got something particularly thoughtful/useful, I might reach out to say, “you know, I really love using X, it’s such a great part of my morning routine now.” But I don’t think that’s required, by any means.
Triangle Pose
Agreed. I also get it, OP. I think some of this is just cultural or “whatever you grew up with feels normal.” In my family, writing long elaborate thank you letters and sending them after you opened presents and say thank you’s in real time, together, even on Facetime, would be beyond over the top and forced and honestly, just uncomfortable – like when someone brags about how much their house costs.
You say thank you in person if you open presents together in real time. You write thank notes and send them if the gift giver sent the gift or didn’t get to see you receive it.
Anonymous
Send thank you notes! Sheesh. Omg my mil is modeling polite behavior the worst.
Kate
I’m not suggesting she stop, I’m wondering if I’m wrong in assuming since my kids opened the gifts “in front” of her (via FaceTime) and thanked her/then at that time, if they ought to be writing thank-yous in the same way they would for gifts they did not open “in front” of the gift giver (which they do).
Senior Attorney
The rule is “generally not necessary” but I feel like your MIL has showed you that she thinks it’s still necessary.
Senior Attorney
But just saw your DH’s input below and I think you should listen to him!
Blonde Lawyer
This all depends on the family. In my family, if you opened your gift in person and said thank you in person no note was required. In my husband’s family, thank you’s are required even if you opened your presents together. Since we know his family expects thank yous, we write them. If you are getting them, they expect them. It will make them happy.
KateMiddletown
Gretchen Rubin (my guru on many subjects) doesn’t make her kids write TY notes, and didn’t write TY notes FOR her kids.
We still do, usually. My daughter just wrote her Christmas notes (only 4) on the last snow day, and they’re sitting on my desk ready for stamps. I didn’t look at them to proofread or add my PS or anything. I’m just going to address and stamp them and the recipients will love getting a letter in her kooky kid handwriting.
Anonymous
I would just ask what your significant other thinks is appropriate/necessary because maybe they will tell you that no further response is necessary or something is. Etiquette is cultural. The idea that you must or must not send a thank you note makes no sense to me.
Senior Attorney
I think it’s pretty clear that she is modeling the expectation she has (which is also shared by a good number of people in this world). Your choice whether to go along or not.
My feeling is that it’s a nice gesture and if you know it will make her happy, what’s the harm? I think it’s good for kids to learn how to write thank you notes.
Kate
My kids do know how- and always write- thank you s for gifts opened away from gift giver. Even the 3 y/o did thank you scribbles for her birthday gifts.
I’m generally very pro thank-you; this just seems forced. And also, I’m annoyed that FIL doesnt write them, and that this is DH’s family and yet I’m the one worried about it. I did ask DH and he said his mom “is crazy, and will never *not* send a thank you note” and to carry on with life.
Senior Attorney
So there you have it! Just listen to DH and it’s all good! :)
Eyeroll
Someone just joined our neighborhood FB group and introduced herself as a “stay at home dog mom.” No. This is not a thing. I don’t side-eye real stay at home parents and I love dogs, but you do not get to call yourself a SAHM when you don’t have human children.
Anonymous
Nope. You’re a housewife. Or unemployed.
Anonymous
Ugh, the word housewife makes me groan. I like stay at home dog mom better, personally.
Baconpancakes
Isn’t it accurate, though? If you’re unemployed, and married to someone who is employed, and you’re not looking for work, your “profession” is either a) being a lady of leisure, or b) taking care of the house and your spouse’s needs.
Anonymous
I think your (b) answer indicates why the term “housewife” makes me cringe – “taking care of the house and your spouse’s needs.” You know who also has needs? A stay at home dog mom.
I bet the SAHDM is also vacuuming, doing dishes, and cooking dinner, so she’s not a lady of leisure, but it also sounds like someone who has her own needs and wants, and uses her non-housework time for that.
Anonymous
Can’t you just be a person? How do you know someone doesn’t have hobbies, or is secretly an aspiring writer, or a medical condition? And how do you know they aren’t looking for a job?
Just because someone is unemployed doesn’t mean they are defined only by their spouse.
Baconpancakes
I don’t particularly care whether someone calls themselves a SAHDM, and maybe the poster’s neighbor is TTC and will be a SAHM after, or unemployed and embarrassed (in which case the SAHDM label is a poor choice – getting the word out is crucial to networking!), or recovering from an illness, or a full-time volunteer for a non-profit, or any number of things, but I am against pretending housewives (or househusbands) aren’t what they are. I think the reason we cringe at the term “housewife” is because it baldly states that you have no primary occupation of your time other than taking care of the house and your spouse, and in modern society, that’s looked down upon. If someone is uncomfortable with being called a housewife when that’s what they do, that says more about that person’s choices than anything else.
I also do vacuuming, dishes, and cook dinner. I also have hobbies and needs. These aren’t things that are exclusive to housewives. But I have a job, and I do expect that my SO does his share, because taking care of the house is literally not my job.
I find it hard to believe that someone who isn’t working or looking for a job or taking care of children (or the other things mentioned above) while being fully financially supported by a spouse would require said spouse to do housework, or run errands. These things are that person’s job. Ergo, that person is a housewife.
If you have an issue with being defined by your occupation, that’s an entirely different, extremely valid philosophical discussion. But if we assume that you must have an occupation, a SAHDM is a housewife.
Anon
I don’t agree with this at least. The house has to be maintained whether or not she has a husband. Someone with a huge trust fund or other source of income could also theoretically stay home and do the exact same thing. Also, for all we know the neighbor has hired help, or her husband does those things, or whatever. You simply don’t know her situation, and I don’t understand why you care so much about whether she sees herself (or wants to be seen) as a housewife.
Anon
I don’t like the term housewife because I think it’s dated and a little bit offensive. And I say that as someone who has never stayed at home.
Do you consider yourself a “Working Wife”? Personally, I don’t because I don’t believe that caring for my husband is my job. And I wouldn’t view it as my job even if I didn’t have another job.
Anonymous
She is not unemployed, she is out of the labor force.
Anon
How do you know whether she’s “unemployed” or “out of the labor force”?
Anon
I think you can call yourself whatever you want. Why do you care?
Anon
This is pretty obviously a joke to me. Lighten up.
Stockholm
Tbh “stay at home dog mom” would be my dream job right now, but I’m also a little burned out and I love spending time with my dog. :)
I totally get what you’re saying though. But perhaps it was tongue-in-cheek, acknowledging the ridiculousness of it?
Anon
It’s pretty silly, but also, I’m kind of jealous.
Anonymous
Yes, my thoughts exactly!
cbackson
This is my life goal, TBH. I’m sure my dog would be a furry genius with sufficient parental attention and enrichment :-).
potato
Gosh! My goal would be for my pup to stop chewing our coasters. :)
Anonymous
I wonder what else she could really say, though. It seems a little weird to introduce yourself as “Hi, I’m Jane and I’m unemployed!” My guess is this was just an attempt to lightheartedly avoid questions about “what do you do.”
Senior Attorney
Yeah I’d assume good intentions and take it that way. No need to open a new front in the Mommy Wars.
January
+1
Anon
Yeah, I find it annoying too but it can be hard for people to describe themselves in a world where we all exist relevant to our profession. I have a good friend whose wife wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom but they were struggling to conceive. She didn’t want to start a career to just drop out. She picked up some odd jobs but mostly just stayed home. She wasn’t unemployed because she wasn’t looking. It’s not a life I would ever want to live but it is what worked for them. It’s so foreign to me but it wasn’t that many years ago when it was rare for a woman to work outside of the home. I’m glad that’s no longer the norm but we have tilted so far that not working and not having kids is just unfathomable!
Belle Boyd's Evil Twin
I think it’s cute, and I hear this term a lot. Sounds like the perfect life to me. If a person wants to call herself a “stay at home dog mom,” what’s the harm? Maybe the closest she’ll ever get to being a mom is to a furry critter with four legs. You don’t know her story and you don’t get to judge.
Roll your eyes back to where they belong and get over yourself. Trust me, you’ll be much happier and a lot more fun at parties.
Anon
I already replied but thought of one more anecdote. I have a friend whose wife is disabled with an invisible disability she would prefer not to discuss. When people ask what she does, she just says she stays at home instead of saying she’s disabled. They don’t have kids either. You are correct, you don’t know anyone’s real story.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
+1000
Anon
Yes. This.
Live and let live.
Anonymous
That’s a hilarious way of saying “unemployed.”
anon
That’s a hilarious way of saying “unemployed.”
Anonymous
Nope, that’s not what unemployed means.
Anon
Well to be fair, you don’t know why she’s at home. So how do you know whether or not unemployed is an accurate term?
Anonymous
Serious question: would you rather provide job leads and networking for an unemployed person who is new to the area, or a stay at home dog mom who is new to the area?
Anonymous
Someone who describes themselves as unemployed. If someone describes themselves as a stay at home dog mom, I’d assume they are happy with their current situation and not looking for employment. Someone who says “Hi I’m Susan. I’m new to the area and still looking for work” or something like that is clearly looking for a job.
Anonymous
That’s not a serious question. Also no one said anything about trying to get job leads or networking. Not everything has to always be about work.
AIMS
Yeah, I’m not sure I would ever provide job leads to someone who I didn’t know was actively looking, just because they weren’t working.
Anon
I’d rather have a stay at home dog mom neighbor because she sounds fun.
anon
Serious question: would you send out a mass message introducing yourself as unemployed? Or might you just make a joke to show you’re a normal, relateable person? Might you also save discussions of your employment status for, say, in person? (What were you going to do, start emailing her random job leads without even knowing who she is, what she does, or what type of job she’s looking for? Please.)
Anon
Why do you care?
Anon
+1000
Stay at Home Wife
Ha ha. I met a “Stay at Home Wife” years ago. She was completely delightful and seemed very relaxed!
Shelby
The “regular” (for lack of a better term) size run in this “jacket” (or a very similar one) is offered by Lord and Taylor and is called a Fringed Cardigan. The petite size run is also offered by Lord and Taylor but is referred to as the Petite Mixed Fringe Jacket.