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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 301 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tweed Lady Jacket with Ties

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I saw this lovely tweed coat in the store, and it's sort of like a fun take on the Chanel jacket. The frayed tweed is very textural and colorful — the online images don't quite show how much it has a sort of confetti feel against the navy. I like the ties at the neckline and sleeves, too. It's worth noting that there is a matching party pencil skirt — but I think it's a little too “party” for work. The jacket by itself is lovely, and it's $198 in regular (000–16) and petite (00–12) sizes. Tweed Lady Jacket with Ties Two lower-priced options are from Elie Tahari and Anne Klein; two plus-size options are from Stizzoli and Lafayette 148 New York (clearance, final sale) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Cb

    Etiquette / family dynamics question: my mils were here last week to meet the baby and asked to treat us to lunch at a restaurant they chose. They’ve been eluding to being broke all year (didn’t go on their normal summer holiday, said if they couldn’t stay with us, they couldn’t come visit). En route to the restaurant, they asked to stop at an ATM so they could check their bank balances to make sure they could cover it. My husband and I just looked at each other in horror, we would have been perfectly happy eating at home and don’t want anyone to go into debt for us. Should we have said something? They keep trying to buy things for the baby but we don’t want them to spend money they don’t have.

    Suspect it is a lack of financial literacy (they literally had no clue if they had money in the bank) and a desire to keep up with everyone else.

    Advice on handling this going forward? They upgraded themselves to first class on the train home so clearly there was money there but I suspect they are flying close to the edge.

    • NYNY

      I’ve posted before about my MIL’s financial chaos. It started a bit like this. She would give fairly extravagant gifts, and insist upon treating the family at a restaurant if we were all together, but later, we’d hear about bounced checks and late payments on her mortgage.

      Your husband should take the lead on this, since they are his parents. If he has siblings, it’s best if they all discuss it so they present a united front. As a family, you need to stop them from buying things for you. This should be the start of a lot of financial conversations about their income and debts, how sustainable their current lifestyle is, and what the next phase of their lives will look like as they age.

      I can tell you that with my MIL, it has been a long haul with a lot of backsliding, but we finally have her in a living situation that is safe and affordable for her. Good luck!

    • Sassyfras

      Considering you presumably have a newborn, this is not something I would worry about right now. The truth is, they are adults and will likely not take kindly to other people trying to manage their finances or tell them what to do with their money. I deal with this with my parents too. They always have to buy little toys and trinkets for my daughter, waste money on frivolous things, and have zero dollars saved for retirement or emergency expenses. I work in finance and they refuse to take any advice from me about how to budget. I always step in and pay for things we do together because that feels like the least I could do to help them out.

      • Anon

        +1. Not your fight right now. They’re adults and have to lay in their own beds.

        At a calm moment, discuss with your husband what he feels obligated to do for them long term – aka what are the consequences for your family of three if they become destitute or ill or unable to care for themselves. The best he can do is communicate his plan to them (parents, we won’t be able to help you financially or otherwise until all kids are through college -or- parents, you will always be able to live in our basement rent free) and remind them of that occasionally.

        If they make bad choices beyond that, it’s on them. They know what he can do, and they either choose to plan around it or not. They’re adults and your first priority is your newborn.

        • Anonymous

          +1

          Don’t worry about them. Don’t ask them to spend but if they offer, it’s not your job to manage their finances to know if they ‘should’ be spending that. Just take care of yourself and your baby.

    • I get it

      I’m in a somewhat similar situation with my dad, who is living on a very fixed income but is also very generous with his money and likes to give presents. Easy fixes — when he sends a check for kids’ birthday, I never cash it. I also tell him that he needs to save for retirement, we’re doing well financially, and we would like to treat HIM when he visits, not vice versa. I never let him treat us when he’s visiting. If he insists on paying for something, I make sure it’s something small (e.g. coffee from Starbucks).

      • Anonymous

        Can I make a recommendation? It may be better for him for you to cash it but set it aside for him in case he ever needs it back. Having large outstanding checks could make it really tough for him to keep track of his finances if he’s actively managing them.

        • Anonymous

          This is what I would do – cash the checks but keep a running total of what’s he’s gifted you and be prepared to return it (assuming doing so would not be a hardship to you).

    • Anon

      Just because I would want someone to tell me – elude means to evade. allude means to tacitly refer to.

      • Coach Laura

        Cb is a PhD candidate (ABD defence) and I’m sure she knows the difference between allude/elude. And knows that a forum is not a paper with citations.

      • Anon

        It’s eyeroll, sure, and I don’t mean any offense – sorry, Cb. I honestly would want someone to tell me in case I did not know. In a room full of science PhDs myself I often hear a lot of mistakes from just simply not knowing (like just yesterday affluent being incorrectly pronounced a-floo-int instead of aff-lu-ent). You never know. I would never say something to someone in real life – or want to hear it on the receiving end.

        • Triangle Pose

          Anon, thank you. I would want someone to tell me. I was gchatting with a T14 law grad and he tried to correct my spelling of “discreet.” I blew his mind when I said there are two separate words – discreet and discrete. “Cb is a PhD candidate (ABD defence)” seems irrelevant.

        • Cb

          I actually didn’t know, or perhaps I did but I’ve got a 5 week old… No offence taken.

        • Pompom

          All I can think is “maybe they were saying effluent…” which would be obvious from context (s#itty joke, I know…)

    • Cb

      Thanks for these thoughts, good things to consider. The whole family is big on extravagant gifts (some might remember me asking about the request to transfer money for my bil’s birthday present). My mil has a good pension so should be fine long term, I just suspect they have overextended themselves this year. I just felt super uncomfortable letting people buy us lunch but didn’t want to embarrass them.

      When we emerge from the newborn fog, we will need to discuss finances but also parental care.

    • Anon

      Oh, I feel you. I so, so feel you on this one. My in-laws went through bankruptcy 2 years ago, and it is all I can do to try and stop my MIL from trying to pay for things when she visits. I literally have to corral the seating host/hostess the minute we walk into a restaurant and tell them I’m paying for the entire check OR ELSE DIRE CONSEQUENCES because otherwise my MIL will try and pick up a bill for 10 people when I know they can’t afford it.

      My husband tries to tell her we don’t need anything. That he wants them to save money for retirement and take care of themselves first. But it falls on deaf ears. I think part of it is embarrassment (b/c they used to be much more well off but a series of terrible financial decisions / poor financial literacy meant that they have nothing now) and part of it is pride. I also think (perhaps wrongly) that they feel defensive knowing that we’re so much more comfortable than my husband’s other siblings? I earn ~ 300K, and my husband’s siblings are all ~ 50K. So while we aren’t fancy or flashy by any means, we can pick up a tab for 10 people without worrying about what gets cut as a tradeoff, and we are so, so grateful and happy to do it (no score keeping from us, at least).

      I’ve also learned not to discuss anything w/r/t finances with them, because my MIL (who is great, btw, but we all have weak points) gets very defensive. Ex: she was talking about another son and why she was worried he wanted to drop his life insurance policy. I mentioned offhand that i was looking into getting life insurance policies for myself/husband since we’d just gotten married and it was smart to do it now. She essentially told me there was no need b/c he already has a policy. Well, yes – but it is a 50K whole life policy you got him when he was in middle school, so…it’s not exactly income replacement term life coverage. So i dropped it.

    • anon

      Late to the party… Not sure if this will help but it is another view on a longer term solution.

      We had a similar problem with my grandma insisting on buying us dinner or gifts, and essentially making a scene at every opportunity to pay (including the classic incident where credit cards were being thrown at a waiter). For her, paying was making her feel useful and like she had a purpose–e.g., she wanted to take us out to dinner instead of us taking care of her. Looking at it that way, we’ve come to a truce of sorts. For example, I will let her take me out to coffee or snacks but I get to pay for dinner, or on a vacation, I will pay for the hotel but she can pay for dinner. We also have a family wide rule that yee who picks pays and we rotate who does the picking. This allows us to take my parents out to dinner at nicer restaurants (that would be outside their budget) without a fight over the check.

  2. coffee queen

    This jacket is too fussy for me at work but I would wear it out with jeans and a cute tee.

    • NYNY

      Love tweed jackets, but I just can’t deal with the bows. But I would rock that skirt at work with a navy silk blouse and a colored pump!

      • Anonymous

        Same. I am so sad that there are bows and ruffles on everything that would otherwise be a cute work piece right now.

      • Anon

        Buy a seam ripper and carefully cut the bows off. This is not hard to do. You can even do it with small scissors but a seam ripper makes it easier, and is handy tool to own for lots of uses.

    • Shopaholic

      I actually love this blazer. I think it’s so cute. I’m trying to remind myself I don’t need another blazer…

      On another note, I have a navy and white tweed dress – any advice for what to wear on top? I bought the dress on an impulse because it was on sale but I actually don’t have much navy so I’m not sure how to make it work.

  3. Reno

    Looking for some advice on how to proceed. We live in a coop apartment with all the attendant rules and formalities. We did some renovations at the beginning of the year. Everything was quickly done and is fine. The issue is that our coop required us to have a licensed plumber in order to do work on our kitchen even though all we were doing was taking out old appliances and putting new ones in places in the exact same spot. Part of this requirement consisted of filing paperwork on the “change” with the dep’t of buildings. Our GC found a plumber who did this, came on the first day of construction to sign off on everything and then left.

    We’re now in the process of trying to get the deposit back – for several months – and it seems the plumber has disappeared so he can’t file the certificate of completion with the dept of buildings and, as a result, our coop management company refuses to return our deposit. I’ve reached out to the woman at the GC who handled our permit process and she just keeps saying she’ll try to call him again, or that she called him and he said he would do it but then he doesn’t, etc. Initially he did send us something that looked like the certificate but our management company said it didn’t have the right seal and they needed the original anyway. I’ve been hesitant to make too much of a fuss with the management company up to this point because we may need to do other work and I don’t want to present any red flags over our choice of contractors. Is there any solution here that I’m missing?

    • CountC

      I’d reach out to your AG’s consumer protection bureau/office and see what they suggest. At the end of the day, the issue is your plumber isn’t being responsive and you need to light a fire under his bum to get him to do what you need (assuming he actually can/is licensed/current, etc.).

      • CountC

        Sorry, didn’t mean to be condescending, obviously you know what the issue is!

    • nutella

      I think you need to be more persistent with your GC – this is on them because you entrusted them to find a plumber who would do this. That should be your first approach, but be polite about it. If unsuccessful, second approach would be to inform them that you have more work you wanted done and would like to use them but hae some issues outstanding (again be polite). More fire if needed to escalate: threaten to report your GC to the BBB, your AG’s office, or your coop/neighbors or threaten a lawsuit.

      And sorry. Construction on your home really wears at you.

      • nutella

        Oh, more to add to the ‘fire’: Angie’s List, Home Advisor, Yelp, or whatever other recommendation places are popular near you.

    • Anon

      You need to resolve this not just to get your deposit back, but also so that open permits don’t pose a problem if you ever want to sell your apartment. Have you made a final payment to the GC? Withhold it until you get all of the paperwork in order. There might also be a nice way to ask the management company for assistance in finding a replacement plumber to sign off on the work.

      • Reno

        Thanks all. We made the final payments a long time ago. Work has been finished for months. We’ve been trying to get deposit for months. I’d prefer to avoid small claims because I don’t want to sue my management company as they’re the ones with the deposit. I will try calling the GC directly and see if he can get in touch with the plumber himself. This is so annoying! Makes me never want to do any work again.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly this. You have a permit that is still open with DOB (google it- you can look these up online). You cannot sell your apartment until it is closed. You may not be planning to sell now, but this will just get more complicated the longer you let it sit. Be persistent with your GC, withhold final payment, and threaten negative reviews if that doesn’t get the problem resolved.

  4. Anonymous

    Question about storing clothes. This year I started a job where the dress is on the more casual side of business casual (men pretty much exclusively wear khakis and polo shirts; women mostly wear skinny pants with flowy tops and casual jackets or cardigans). I came to this job from a job that was on the more-formal side of business casual: I wore a lot of dresses and skirts, with jardigan-type cardigans or blazers. I had to wear a suit every few weeks; I haven’t had to even wear a blazer since I got to this new job.

    My closet is still full of dresses and I’m about to switch out clothes as the seasons change. I am wondering if it’s worth putting my business dresses into storage, or if I should just send them to ThredUp/Goodwill. Part of my hesitation in getting rid of them is that I don’t really like this job and don’t anticipate staying for more than maybe a couple of years before moving on to something else. I have a fear that as soon as I get rid of my nicer business clothing, I’ll get a job that requires me to dress up more, and I’ll have to buy stuff all over again. At the same time, I don’t want to hang on to old stuff that will look dated by the time I’ll be wearing it again. If it helps, a lot of my dresses are the more-classic styles from Lands End; I have a couple of MM LaFleur dresses; also some Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren. All solid colors (I don’t really wear prints). Should I store or toss?

    • Sassyfras

      I would keep them if they are on the more classic side. I have plenty of dresses from a few years ago that I still wear. I’m sure there’s even a way to incorporate them into your current rotation by dressing them down a little bit.

    • Anon

      Unless closet space is an issue, keep them. My employer went from elevated business casual to jeans – every – day casual, and now i work from home. I kept my wool pencil skirts and suiting dresses for important meetings (and can dress down the skirts w/tshirts).

    • Flats Only

      At the very least put them away when you switch your seasons, and then when it’s time to switch out again in in the spring you can think about whether you need to keep them anymore or not.

    • Anon

      Meh. I say go through and keep your favorite 6 outfits, hopefully mostly classic pieces. Donate or get rid of everything else. It’s enough that you wouldn’t have to buy a whole new wardrobe right away, but not so much that it’s taking up a meaningful amount of space.

    • Anonattorney

      Serious question: who/when would someone wear this jacket plus the matching skirt? I can’t think of any venue that would work in, but maybe I just don’t live in tweed-bow circles.

    • Violet

      Get rid of all but your absolute favorites and the most classic. A couple or a few years is a long time and things will look dated and bodies change.

    • Scarlett

      I’d keep & incorporate into your wardrobe. You’d be surprised how easily a more formal item can be dressed down w/ flats or a denim piece (I’ve found chambray shirts with formal bottoms to be an easy way to still use my more formal wardrobe). Get rid of the stuff you really don’t like (for me, that was all those “the Skirts”) but keep things that are versatile. I wouldn’t bother storing anything – it’s going to be out of style by the time you pull it out of storage.

  5. Anonymous

    We are thinking about spending the week before Christmas in Europe. Leaning toward Amsterdam because tickets there are cheapest, and then splitting our time between Amsterdam and Cologne. Has anyone done a similar trip around Christmas? Is Cologne a good bet for Christmas markets, and are there other things to do there as well? Amsterdam has always been on our list, but I always thought we’d do it in the springtime to see the tulips. But it looks pretty magical in the winter, too. Any tips appreciated!

    • AIMS

      Amsterdam is rainy, cold and windy that time of year. If the canals freeze, it could be fun but I would wait for spring or summer. I haven’t gone at Xmas exactly, but I’ve done a few weeks in late November/early December and while I had a great time, I was glad it wasn’t my first trip there.
      The xmas markets in Vienna are supposed to be quite wonderful. Maybe do Vienna instead?

    • AB

      I went to Amsterdam around Christmas once. It was COLD. If you can handle that, it was still fun. Our trip was pretty museum-centric and there was a lot to see. But if you are envisioning bike rides, then wait until another time.

    • anon

      The xmas markets in Germany are the best. I highly recommend Nuremberg, Munich and Dresden. Vienna is nice but not as good, imo. Winter is my favorite time there, but definitely dress for the weather. I also usually take hand and feet warmers because you spend so much time outside.

      • Anonymous

        We have heard good things about the markets in Nuremberg. I have already been to Dresden, and we did Vienna a couple years ago, so will probably skip those places. We wanted to take advantage of the cheap tix to Amsterdam, but maybe we should just stick to Germany…

        • NOLA

          Amsterdam is fairly far north in the Netherlands, but it is totally do-able to take a train south to Germany. You could spend a day or two in Amsterdam on either end.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with advice to do Amsterdam in the spring, not at Christmas. Vienna, Munich, Prague are all good Christmas destinations.

      • EM84

        Prague is beautiful all-year-round, but our Christmas market is nothing special. It is nice in the evening with all the lights, but that’s all. Still, the weather will be better here than in Amsterdam. I would throw in Budapest and Krakow/Wroclaw as a tip. I also vote for Vienna.
        Cologne got a bad rep last year – it seems that groups of immigrants were harassing women in public spaces.

    • Anonymous

      We did the X-mas markets in Cologne a few years ago – it was fun! Definitely only 2-3 days’ worth of activities, however. And as others have noted, it’s cold that time of year (exacerbated by the rain/wetness, I think). We did Paris – Bruges – Cologne – Amsterdam in about 10 days and it was a great trip.

    • anne-on

      I did Amsterdam in December for work years back and actually really liked it. Yes, it was cold, very damp, and rained/sleeted often. But the food was great, the people were so friendly, and the museums and restaurants were SO much less crowded than I imagine they’d be in the spring. It felt like a living city instead of a touristy nightmare as I’ve heard others have experienced it. If you dress appropriately and bring good waterproof boots I don’t think it’ll be an issue.
      Agreed that you can also probably do the city in 3-4 days, 2 in a pinch.

    • GCG

      Cologne has great a great Christmas market and there are a lot of other things to do in the city. You are also very close to Duesseldorf and Bonn so you can easily and inexpensively check out the other Christmas markets and sights if you run out of things to do in Colonge.

      • Lyra Silvertongue

        Co-signing Dusseldorf as an option for excursions from Cologne. Cologne itself is lovely. Try the Kolsch!

    • Go for it!

      We did this exact trip last year! I am Texan and naturally cold anywhere we go and we were fine. The coldest I have ever been was the trip we did to Normandy that same week. Europe knows how to do Christmas lights and celebrations. Have fun!

    • Lyra Silvertongue

      Although Amsterdam is one of my favorite cities, I do think Germany is THE place to be for Christmas in Europe. That being said, if you would like a slightly different flavor (i.e. mix in some French), then what about Strasbourg? I was there when the Christmas market was setting up a few years ago and it was magical.

  6. Anonymous

    Somebody posted on one of yesterday’s threads to say that she was offended by a Halloween skeleton playing Dixie and/or Oh Susannah.

    I am not American but I remember these songs from childhood. I didn’t think they were offensive. Do people find them offensive now?

    • Never too many shoes...

      I think it was just the Dixie one that was offensive, to be honest. The Oh Susanna was just an extra bit of info.

      I am not American either, but I think we can mostly agree that the lyrics are appalling (as per sample below) –
      Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton,
      Old times there are not forgotten.
      Look away, look away, look away Dixie Land!

      In Dixie’s Land I’ll take my stand,
      to live and die in Dixie.

      There’s buckwheat cakes and Injun batter,
      Makes you fat or a little fatter.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Dixie I know, but I had to google Oh Susanna to figure that one out. I didn’t realize the version you hear is a modern version–the original old version has an offensive verse that is not included or changed.

    • Cc

      Dixie was written for a ministral show. This is when people would dress up in black face and various other extremely offensive acts. Typically when Dixie was sung, it was by a former slave pining for his old life as a slave. It was written against the abolitionists to argue that Slavery was a benevolent insitition. So yes you don’t hear it played much. It also makes no sense coming out of a skeleton. Is the skeleton a confederate? Like why not a halloweeen song?

      • Cc

        Don’t hear it in the northeast that should say. I think it’s sometimes still played by marching bands and I know there are newer versions

    • CPA Lady

      So, I’m from the south. I don’t really hear Dixie ever these days, except maybe in a marching band context like Cc mentioned (so the words are not sung). I think it’s one of those songs that a lot of people grew up knowing as part of general Americana folk song knowledge, but as we examine the things in our culture that existed in a historical context but are horrifying today (e.g. minstrel shows), we start to realize that certain songs should be retired.

      So I don’t know that I’d call it “offensive” per se, but definitely bizarre for a Halloween decoration, and generally best left in the past.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I cannot even. That lawyer should seriously be ashamed of herself.

    • Linda from HR

      Offensive? I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use. Tone deaf, probably, and inappropriate for a Halloween decoration, unless you’re going for a civil war ghost theme a-la 2000 Maniacs, which in itself could be considered not a good idea.

  7. Noom

    Anyone here using the Noom app for weight loss? I’m in my free trial and am trying to decide whether to pull the trigger or stick with Weight Watchers. I like the psychology component of Noom but there are some things that are not as user friendly for me as Weight Watchers, e.g., browsing the food database. Looking for reviews.

    • GCG

      I used it for a short time but honestly liked WW and MyFitnessPal better so I’d recommend not pulling the trigger. The food database was not as extensive and easy to use. YMMV, but I didn’t feel like I got much out of the coaching or the group. It just was another thing to think about and respond to and the information wasn’t that useful. I’m not sure if my experience was common or unique, but my initial coach was promoted and then we got a new coach halfway through the time. That required going back over a lot of the intro information.

      • Nudibranch

        I can’t speak to Noom, but found MyFitnessPal to be far better than Weight Watchers (plus its free).

  8. yoyo

    Can anyone in DC recommend a particular salon and/or stylist for keratin treatments?

  9. Renting Nice Workwear?

    Question re – renting nice workwear clothes. Is there a place to rent nice (think Reiss or LK Bennett) workwear clothes? My firm has one of our bigger client events coming up and I’d love to wear a nicer dress from someplace like reiss or LK Bennett, but I don’t want to spend the full amount on something that I honestly will wear two or three times. thanks in advance for your help!

    • Wow

      Doesn’t Rent the Runway have a workwear section? I remember seeing some nicer Trina Turk dresses that looked great for the office.

    • Shopaholic

      I was thinking Rent the Runway but I took a quick browse and there are not a lot of work dresses.

      I don’t know of anything where you can rent workwear – do you have friends that you could borrow something from? Or perhaps find something on sale/on ebay/in a consignment store?

      • Renting Nice Workwear

        Thanks! I did look at RTR before posting, and their workwear stuff is not anything I’d feel comfortable wearing (cold shoulder/too short/etc.) to work or a work event.

        I guess the phrasing should be “dressy workwear”. It’s an evening event (think symphony/ballet/jazz) where we mingle between acts. It’s one of the two times a year that the men in the office are expected to wear suits.

    • CHS

      Curious as well. I was looking at Le Tote for this but I’m not sure it’s business enough.

    • Marshmallow

      Yeah, I tried to do this with RTR last year and it was just too trendy for work. This is a hole in the market.

      • Renting Nice Workwear

        Yes, it really is. Ideally, the dress says, “Wow, that’s an incredible dress” but it’s also appropriate at 11:00 in the morning. The event starts at around 5:30, so everyone is literally coming straight from work.

        So, it needs to have sleeves and be knee length but ideally it would also be on the stylish end and not just another black dress or even another solid color dress. I have plenty of dresses that I can wear and feel great in and will be appropriate, but more was looking to elevate my outfit for this event, and I like the way that Reiss and LK Bennett have classic pieces that are not going to be too short or have some sort of trendy cutout or a cold shoulder top. It’s also the kind of thing I’m willing to put $100 in, but not $300 or $500 for one of these dresses. I appreciate all of the suggestions!

  10. Anonymous

    How common is it, do you all think, to experience some pretty intense unhappiness during your first year of marriage? Is it a really bad sign, or is it somewhat normal as you’re working out your new life together? FWIW, we dated for three years before getting engaged, and lived together for a year and a half before getting married.

    We’ve been arguing somewhat frequently lately over things like him feeling that I talk over him, or feeling like I shut him down, when I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him and he’s projecting his insecurities onto me.

    • Ali

      I think it’s a big deal. In our first year of marriage, I chalked some things up to adjustment issues that in retrospect were big issues that DH had been holding back before we were married. We’re well past it now, but I think a relationship has to be on solid ground to flourish and that it’s important to do what needs to be done (talking, date night, relationship counseling, etc.) to get back on solid ground when you’re not there.

      • cat socks

        Agreed. You need to work out these issues so you can communicate effectively. Maybe you can set aside some time to talk to one another openly and honestly without arguing. Or if you need a mediator, then counseling would be a good idea. Perhaps it may also result in individual counseling sessions. Either way, these issues will not get better unless they are addressed early on. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      I did not have that experience (dated for 10 years, lived together for 8 before marriage), but I have a few friends who divorced within the first 1-3 years post-marriage and one friend who told me that she and her husband sought counseling because she and her husband (together for 10+ years, married for under 3-4 years at the time, were having some big fights about a lot of things). I’d really encourage you guys to find a marriage counselor.

    • mascot

      We had some pretty intense moments in that first year of marriage as did a lot of people I know. I think part of it was feeling like, okay, we are committed forever now, might as let you know how I feel so this doesn’t become a pattern/permanent thing. It wasn’t intentional. But, we did set some rules of engagement which helped – no name calling, how much mental/physical space do you need to cool off, etc. We’d dated for a long time before and lived together. We’ve been married over a decade now and I won’t say that those early fights were a bad omen.

      • Anonymous

        the stakes definitely feel higher when you’re in the first year of marriage – maybe that’s why it just feels different when you “fight”/disagree versus when you’re just dating.

      • Anon

        This. Our first year of marriage was pretty smooth but there was definitely a rocky month or two during that first year that was unusual for us (we’d been together for 4 years and lived together for 2 prior to marriage). I think some of it was “OMG we’re married now I’m going to have to deal with your loud chewing/dirty socks on the floor/cranky moods when your football team loses FOREVER”, and some of it was just the ebb and flow of being in a long-term relationship. Also, we’ve been through some challenging life events since we got married, and we’ve both been forced to realize that a lot of this stuff really doesn’t matter. Pulling together and being a family and having the other person’s back is most important.

        We’re 2.5 years in now and our marriage is something I’m really proud of, so a rough patch at first doesn’t necessarily mean doom and gloom. Rules of engagement for resolving conflict definitely help (for example, ours are no silent treatment and no yelling).

    • Betsy

      I think it’s totally normal, but it’s showing you the areas of your relationship that you need to work on to build a happy marriage. Marriage is wonderful but it is also work. The fundamental issues we were arguing over in our first year of marriage stuck around for several years before we finally took the clue to work on those issues rather than whatever stupid thing we were arguing about in the moment. Be a faster learner than I was! I’ll add that I started out thinking my husband was in the wrong when we disagreed about our conflict styles, and over time I realized that he had a LOT of valid points that I’ve taken to heart and have made me a better person and partner.

    • Sassyfras

      It sounds like counseling would be an effective tool for both of you to learn some better communication methods and get a better understanding of what the other person is feeling.

    • Torin

      I’m not sure whether or not it’s common to be unhappy or have rough patches in a relationship is really the best way to think about it. It sounds like y’all’re having a specific communication issue that you need to work through, and that’s true whether or not general unhappiness in the first year is common.

      I’ll add my voice to those recommending counseling.

    • Anon

      The first year of marriage was really hard for me. We’d been together for nearly 3 years and all of a sudden these weird issues started cropping up. Counseling helped us work through it and things have been generally smooth since then.

      • anon

        Same here. 1 year long distance, 1 1/2 in same town, then 1 year living together, but wow that first wedded year was hard. We did five or six counseling sessions that really helped. Now we’re ending the first year of parenting, which has been similarly hard, but I think we’re communicating through it much better.

    • no longer newlywed

      Best advice I got: “if there is no arguing there is no communication”. It’s very, very common to have a rough first year of marriage.

  11. Yarmouth Cape Cod Adventure

    I am reposting from yesterday because I know more know about the area we are staying in.
    I was supposed to spend this upcoming weekend and the following week in Fort Lauderdale with my boyfriend, his parents, sister and her fiance. Due to Irma, we have decided to relocate to Yarmouth on Cape Cod for the same timespan. I’ve never been and they used to have a summer house.

    What are some fun activities to do in the area? We will have multiple cars and plan to see things all over the Cape. We are in our mid to late 20’s.
    Thanks in advance for your help and suggestion!

    • Anon

      Day/afternoon in Provincetown. Afternoon/dinner in Chatham. A half-day trip to Martha’s Vineyard is very easy and not expensive if you ditch the cars (they’re absolutely not needed, especially if you only have an afternoon) – could also easily be a full day trip. There are a couple wineries out there that are a fun thing to visit. Otherwise, there’s a lot of standard beach-y things to gobble up 1-2 hours here and there, but not a lot TO DO … mini golf, sitting on the beach, visiting Nauset Light, lunch and drinks at the Beachcomer in Wellfleet.

    • MNF

      Chatham Bars Inn and Wequassett both have excellent restaurants (both in Chatham)

    • Anonattorney

      Yarmouth is very central, so you can pretty much hit all parts of the Cape, if you want. Hyannis has lots of bars and restaurants and cute shopping streets. Spend one afternoon going out to Chatham – there’s a pretty beach and view by the lighthouse. There’s also some cute little bars and restaurants on Main Street. Head out to Provincetown for good people watching, bars, and shopping. If you want to go on hikes, go to the Cape Cod National Seashore visitor’s center in Eastham. Or you can rent bikes and ride them along the Cape Cod Rail Trail. I think you can still get beach permits for doing a bonfire on one of the beaches in Eastham, which is very fun.

      Unfortunately, the best bar on the Cape (the Beachcomber) is closed after Labor Day. They may still be open, but check their calendar before planning on going there.

      On the other end of the Cape (the Upper Cape, or Inner Cape, depending on who you’re talking to), Woods Hole is very cute. I like Captain Kidd’s, a decent bar.

      Otherwise, just drive along Route 28 (along the South side of the Cape), or Route 6A (North side) and you’ll hit all of the super cute small towns.

      Sorry I don’t have more restaurant and bar recs – I lived there 10 years ago and so I’m not sure if anything I know is still current.

  12. KittenProbz

    I just adopted a four-month-old kitten from the Humane Society. Any favorite cat or kitten toys, food dishes, cat condos, litterboxes, treats, nail clippers, treats, carriers for trips to the vet etc? I got a very basic set of everything just to get us started, but I’d like some prettier things. Huge preference for things that can be ordered from Amazon, but I can go to a pet store too.

      • Anon

        If you drink la croix or other 12 pack sodas, the 12 pack box they come in is the perfect kitten toy. Scatter a few of these around your house.

        I would spend most of your effort making sure they use the litter box and curbing their clawing efforts. If you think you’re eventually going to get a scratching post/cat condo thing, get one now and spray it with catnip spray. Get a tall one. That’s what attracts them to it – the ability to get up high.

        My cats also like the very basic wedge shaped holder for the corrugated cardboard scratching inserts.

        Last even though it’s cute and doesn’t hurt much, don’t let your kitten bite you when your play with it. It won’t be cute in a few months.

        • Eeertmeert

          +1M re: biting. Hands are not toys. If the kitten starts biting during playong, replace you hand/wrist/ankle with a plush toy. Commit to this early.
          We did this with our boy cats and they never ever scratch people on purpose. If they don’t like something they either move out of range or lick to show displeasure. It’s awesome. (My bro didn’t do this with his kitten and she is prone to scratching behavior.)

          Da Rat or Da Mouse toys are huge hits. Nip Nibblers (i find on amazon) are great when/if they start caring about catnip.

          Get a second kitten so they have company!

    • Anonymous

      my cats love that toy that is basically a round track with a ball in it, and a scratch pad in the middle. also, cat “condos” or “trees,” perches for window sills, and just plain old boxes. cat nip toys are great, and anything mechanical that moves around like this little butterfly toy that spins around and around. i get all these things on amazon.

    • AIMS

      Get a scratching post or several. Don’t get nail clippers. There’s a “no scratch” spray for furniture that is pretty good, actually (white and purple bottle), but the key is lots of scratch-ok areas. If you want to buy something fun, consider a window seat (may not be needed if you have wide windowsills) – cats love looking out the window. For your carrier, whatever you get, it’s recommended that you leave it out for your cat to be a little den (vs. a torture contraption for going to the vet). As far as toys, my cat’s favorites were always those cheap little mice you could buy by the cash register that were covered in what felt like real hamster/mouse fur. She would bat them around for hours.

    • cat socks

      Da Bird feather toy
      Cat Dancer
      Crinkly balls to chase around the floor
      Fling-Ama-String interactive cat toy
      Kittens may not react to catnip yet, but the Yeowww catnip toys are fun
      Sometimes they like just chasing around a piece of string or crinkled up ball of paper

      My cats love the Vivipet Big Head water bowl. They don’t care for fountains, but I notice they drink more water out of this bowl.

      SmartCat Ultimate Scratching Post. Some cats also prefer horizontal scratchers so you can experiment to see what she likes best.

      I’ve been thinking about getting a Cat Ball, but I don’t think it’s on Amazon.

      I have three cats and made litter boxes out of plastic storage containers. She won’t need much as a kitten, but you may want to size up as she gets older.

      Have fun! Over the years you’ll end up buying tons of stuff for you cat and she’ll probably ignore half of it and sleep in the box. It’s still fun spoiling them.

      • Anon

        The Smart Cat Ultimate Scratching Post is the best! I had several others that wore out and looked terrible after a year or so, but I have two of these that still look brand new many years later. We also have some of the cheap cardboard scratchers and a Pet Fusion triangle one (these are messy). It took having all three kinds available to get them to stop scratching our stairs.

    • Cat Lady

      First, let me introduce you to chewy.com I think it’s the best place to order cat food and other basics. They have incredible customer service and their prices are extremely competitive.

      As far as toys go, I recommend anything on a string (for supervised play– some kittens try to eat the string which is a problem). For example, my cats love this: https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Pet-Company-Feathers-Guaranteed/dp/B00EPGZQNQ/ref=pd_ys_sabia_32?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00EPGZQNQ&pd_rd_r=910PDM62MGEC3ZD701H9&pd_rd_w=IjwGD&pd_rd_wg=rXE2F&psc=1&refRID=910PDM62MGEC3ZD701H9

      I also really like the carrier I have, though it’s a little on the pricier side. I’ve used it for 4 years and it’s showing no signs of wear. I like how it has a lot of zippers where I can reach in and comfort my cat without totally opening the carrier: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0015AM6YC/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1

      You should definitely get a scratching post (or many, depending on the size of your place). First buy a couple small scratching toys and see what your cat prefers. Some cats love the corrugated cardboard scratchers, for example, buy mine won’t touch it.

      The cat condo will be a question of your taste. It’s important for your cat to have some vertical space to move around on, but I hated the looks of a lot of the options available. I ended up with this, and I like it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005JEJAZI/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      • Rainbow Hair

        I’ve seen some aesthetically lovely scratching post things, but ultimately what my cats want is something like the condo you linked: tall, with lots of vertical sisal to scratch and cool posts to perch on.

        • Anon

          I have this exact cat condo except for the second shelf ledge and can confirm that one of my two cats is always in the crow’s nest and whichever one isn’t in there is pouting at the base of the thing.

          They don’t give a crap about the hidey hole at the bottom. It’s all all about going up as high as possible.

    • Cat Mom

      I got a hammock for my cat and he loves it. He sleeps in it at night and spends all day lounging in it near the window. It’s called Trixie cat hammock and I got it on amazon.

    • Cat Lady

      I have a bunch of recommendations coming with links, but the post is stuck in mod for now.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Let’s be honest, on the toy question, there will come a point where you will buy a bunch of toys and the cat is going to ignore them but decide it loves whatever random item is laying around. I therefore recommend the following: bottle caps off the tops of soda/water bottles (mine play fetch with these), balled up tinfoil, and boxes. Lots of boxes. Plastic ping pong balls are also a hit.

      On a carrier, unless your cat happily goes in a carrier (one of mine does because he loves trips, even to the vet, but he basically has the personality of an overly friendly golden retriever/lab, like Dug from Up. He’s… unusual for a cat), I recommend the kind where the top opens up instead of the front–it’s easier to get reluctant cats in.

    • Nessie

      My cat looooves peacock feathers. She will sit and stalk them all day. A lot of pet stores have them for $1 or so.

      Other favorites include my dog’s tennis ball, my hair ties, and anything that makes lots of noise (plastic bags especially).

    • BB

      The Furminator is the best brush (even for short hair) – pricey but worth every penny.

      For toys, I would get a selection of cheap ones at first – boxes, a wand like toy, a tunnel-like toy, maybe a trackball one and some balls and see what the cat likes before you commit more money. My cat pays no attention to boxes or trackballs. She only plays with string-like things and likes caves to hide in.

    • waffles

      It’s tough because cats can be so fussy. Our cat loves stuffed toys that are in mouse shape, but if you get her a bunny, teddy bear, fish, ball, etc – she will ignore it. It’s so hard to make recommendations for a different cat! My advice would be not to spend too much money until you have an idea of what your kitty tends to play with most. Then buy multiples before that toy is discontinued (ask me how I know).

      Worth trying – my cat loves this self-groomer. It’s a comb which sticks on any outside corner in your house. We have several, and our kitty cannot pass them without giving her face a scratch.

    • Anon

      Buy the cat dancer toy (best 1.99 you’ll ever spend), pull out old ribbons and strings, and fill an old sock with catnip. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      My cats do not like attractive things. The only way they would use a designated cat bed was if we put it inside a plastic grocery bag. The only thing better than ugly bags is ugly cardboard boxes. Purchase things made of cardboard and there is a chance your cat may use them.

    • Cat Lady

      I wish I could post pics here -I have dozens of cat in a box pics that make me squee with joy, especially the one of her sticking her head out of one of the long, skinny seltzer boxes where you rip off one corner to make it sort of a dispenser. It looks like she’s wearing it like a tiny suit of armor. Any box, any size, any kind.

      Also a window shelf or scratcher with a little seat on top for her to peek out the windows and scratch (get lots of scratchers to save your furniture).

      Laser mouse. Hours of fun, but they will come running every time they hear anything click.

      Fish on a stick/feather on a stick/mouse on a stick is a perennial favorite.

      My kitten likes to play in water so I also invested in a dog bowl with rubber treads that she can’t tip over.

      • DCR

        me too! I have a video of my cat getting stuck in a box and her efforts to get out. Best thing ever!

    • Eeertmeert

      Boxes, all sizes and types. Bags. Tissue paper placed on the floor. Crunched up paper ball. Ping pong balls.

      Nature’s Miracle enzyme pet spray for cleaning up messes.

      The Litter Quitter! (Program to teach your cat to use the toilet! We got so close to success with this. But one cat is dumb as brick and could not comprehend putting bottom over toilet, poor thing. The other cat was fine with toilet, so i know it is possible.)

      Ave fun and congrats on new fuzzy friend!!

  13. Anonymous

    Gel nails at home: does anyone have any recommendations for lights/systems that work well? I just don’t have the time for regular salon visits anymore, and I always destroy regular nail polish. Let me know what has/hasn’t worked for you!

    • Nelly Yuki

      I use regular Essie base coat and polishes with the Essie gel top coat. This makes my manicures last a good 7 days, even better that Seche Vite as a top coat. For me 7 days is good enough because by then, even if there are no chips (usually none or one on my right index finger) it is growing out at the bottom.

      Other tips (I give myself a manicure every Sunday night): use nail polish remover on your nails immediately before your base coat. Washing your hands can leave a residue, so using the remover right before makes sure your base coat will adhere well to the nail. Dry for five minutes between each layer, 20-30 minutes after the last one. I usually get ready for bed and then watch TV until I’m done.

      • CountC

        YMMV because I get better longevity with Seche Vite than I did with Essie Gel Setter. I am brutal on my nails and also have thin brittle nails, so even gel nails don’t last long on me.

        Back to your point, a while back, I bought the Sensationail at home gel kit. It worked completely fine and I would recommend it. I gave it away because it didn’t give me the longevity I wanted for the annoyance of taking the gels off/nail destruction and I like to change colors every week. There was nothing wrong with the set, it was my standard hand abuse and personal preference that resulted in me not using it as much as I thought I would.

      • In-House in Houston

        Do you have to use the light with these Essie products? Or when you said dry you meant air dry? Thanks!!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve used the Sally Hansen gel system for years (you use a basecoat, color coat and topcoat with a light). I have better results with lighter colors than darker ones. IMO the polish doesn’t last as long as salon gel, but it also doesn’t cost as much, I can do it on my own schedule (like at 11pm on a Sunday) and I’m not risking infection from the salon not sanitizing things enough.

      I got the initial setup from Amazon; my Target carries the polish.

    • Anonymous

      I ordered an LED light off amazon (just had to replace my 3 year old one after it burned out) and all OPI products — order online or find a nail supply store near you. (I’m in DC and there are a ton nearby in NoVa.)

      Pro tips:
      -“rough up” the nail before you start by lightly buffing one way.
      -dehydrate the nail before you start — rubbing alcohol, acetone, OPI bond all work
      -use coats as thin as you can make them, while still keeping them even.
      -cure long enough — dark colors may take 60-90 seconds a coat, and the only way to learn this is really by experience (you can’t tell by touch)
      -OPI colors are “self-leveling” — I use an orange stick and run it around my cuticles to make sure they are free from the gel and give the polish time to level before curing. it’s tempting to skip this step, but it really helps!
      -I’ve found that pushing the brush towards my cuticle instead of pulling away helps me get a nice even (and not bumpy) cuticle line. so remove the color from the brush around the neck of the bottle (always too much!) and start the brush about 1/4 of the nail up from your cuticle, stroke up towards the tip a bit, then once the brush is fanned out on your nail, gently glide it down. Gel polish won’t set until cured, so if you get some on your cuticle not a big deal, clean it up with an orange stick or brush dipped in acetone.
      -ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS soak your gel off. Picking it off is tempting for me, but it’s so bad for your nails. you can buy pure acetone at sally beauty supply or online. I also like those little $3 plastic clips to hold the cotton with the acetone on, but tinfoil works just as well.
      -Take a few days off with “naked” nails between manicures, even if it’s every couple times. I have found this really helps maintain the health and strength of my natural nail.

      I can do it now sitting in bed watching netflix, which is my preferred way of doing my nails. :-)

      • coconut

        Is there any harm to curing longer, like 120 seconds maybe? Does it help with staying power, or is there no added benefit to going longer than 1 cycle (or 60-90 sec)?

  14. LosingMySole

    Anyone have an idea when Macy’s or Nordie’s typically has sales on shoes? Am in need of a few new good pairs but hoping there’s a sale in the next couple weeks/months? No clues on the internet…

    • Bewitched

      I’ve tried instacart and it’s great but expensive. My grocery store upcharges the groceries by 10-15% plus there is an Instacart delivery fee ($7.99 I think but waived if you have a subscription and spend over $35) plus I always tip the worker. There is also a “service charge” which strangely you can set to zero (and I do, from what I’ve read online, the money does not go to the Instacart contractor who is gathering my groceries so I don’t feel obligated to leave that charge in place). I don’t live far from my grocery store so that’s a lot of add ons when I can go get stuff myself. What I like about it? you can add items up to the time your person is selecting them, they text you if something is not available and offer you the option of a substitute item. Also nice to have everything come right to the house! My subscription was free for the first year and I don’t think I’ll renew, but if my kids were younger, it might be a convenience that is worth its weight in gold.

    • Green Hat

      Yes, but the best service probably depends on where you’re located. My fav in DC so far has been Fresh Direct. Did not love the selection for Amazon Fresh. Peapod is probably the cheapest option but there was always something wrong with my order and the quality of produce was pretty bad.

    • blueberries

      Yes! In the Bay Area, I love Good Eggs. Very high quality foods and simple pricing (free delivery for orders over $60 and they pay their workers a decent wage so prohibit tipping).

    • Case

      Amazon Fresh in my area has been really great. I have two small kids in a two lawyer family, so grocery shopping was one more ~1.5-2 hr exercise on the weekend that required juggling child-related tasks/kids/naps/etc. Now, we typically order weekly for doorstep delivery, picking a 2 hr slot from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m., any day — and that covers 90% of our grocery shopping. We are produce snobs and have been very happy with the quality of the produce, and the prices and selection are both comparable to grocery store. I think the cost is around $15/month and then each delivery is free as long as your order is at least $40. My only complaint is that the packaging is over the top — dry ice included for freezer items, multiple ice packs for fridge items, etc. — but I’m trying to reuse the packaging as much as possible.

      I’d previously tried Instacart and wasn’t that impressed (mostly selection issues and mediocre produce), and have found the meal delivery services to be too much work. I’m surprised by how much I like Amazon Fresh so want to share it with others who might be meh about it.

    • SC lawyer

      In SC and I use Shipt (they only go to Publix I think). A small upcharge and I do tip the delivery person but could not do without it!!!

  16. Anon

    I woke up with a headache and I’m having a bad hair day and so today is pajama day at work. Not literally pajamas but the closest thing I have to them that is presentable for work. Elastic waist pants, knit top, long cardigan. I just wear lots of pearls with this outfit and I think (hope) I get away with it. My office is business casual.

    Do you have pajama-like outfits for days when you Can’t Even? I’m interested in more suggestions.

    • Pompom

      Yes! All the ponte, or Karen Kane cascade wrap dresses in their soft washed cotton-y feeling fabric.

      • Stranger on the Internet

        …I do have to counter with a distracting earring, bold lip, or great shoe if I do this, so I don’t venture into schlubby territory (see Baconpancakes’ comment below)

        • OP

          Yes. I do both jewelry and bold lip, and today in my freezing office, a dramatic wrap.

    • Baconpancakes

      I had a similar inclination this morning, so I’m wearing the super stretchy MM LaFleur Greenpoint skirt with a loose sweater. Then I started feeling unacceptably schlubby so I half-tucked the sweater and put on heeled sandals.

    • lsw

      Yes, and I’m wearing it today – Eileen Fisher crepe elastic waist ankle pants. Wore them yesterday in another color. >_< To be fair, I think I'm coming down with a cold.

        • lsw

          I am so addicted to these pants. I got them when I was back at work after my maternity leave and I think I’ll wear them for the rest of my life…

    • Anonymous

      Ugh, I hate those days. For me pajama days are migraine days where the meds aren’t working well and I can’t just stay home with the covers pulled over my head.

      I have a couple of loose black dresses in ponte or matte jersey that I’ll wear with a cardigan and some Jockey slipshorts (if it’s summer) or tights (if it’s winter) and flats. I have a couple of hair clips I use to pull my hair back on migraine days, instead of a ponytail holder.

    • yoyo

      Betabrand yoga dress pants today for me! With a Boden ravallo top and sweater blazer, so I feel comfy and cozy.

      • Anon

        +1. This is my “uniform” and the best part of my “casual side of business casual” workplace.

    • Anon

      I have a bunch of jersey faux-wrap dresses that feel about as close to pajamas as you can possibly get without actually being pajamas. Love them.

    • Miz Swizz

      That was me yesterday. Old navy pixie pants and a roll-tab shirt I got last season from Nordstrom. I wore suede loafers and nice-ish earrings and didn’t give it too much thought. I felt better about it because I had a couple of informal, internal meetings and was otherwise at my desk working. I’m not feeling terribly motivated today but since I had external meetings, faux-wrap dress ftw.

    • Anonymous

      +1 to jersey wrap dresses. I have 2 super comfy V neck ones, wear a cami underneath, and I’m ready to go. Hope your day improves. I’m sure you look great with your pearls.

    • Lilly

      Yes I do. Eileen Fisher can’t be beat for adult pajamas at work. I tart it up with scarves, interesting jewelry, or like you, gobs of pearls. The black crepe pants, ivory silk knit top, black BB merino cardigan, gobs of pearls and 2 inch sling back pumps for fancy pajamas, and the same black pants, an EF tee in black or white, interesting necklace or scarf and ballet flats for days spent largely in my office alone but I still need to look like I expected to be at work. The 3/4 sleeve tees, by the way, are the only thick cotton tees I can find anymore. No underlayer necessary at all.

        • Lilly

          It’s the 3/4 sleeve ballet neck tee. 100% cotton. The cap sleeve ballet neck tee is not similar. That one has very clingy cotton blend fabric.

      • Rainbow Hair

        I’ve had my eye on that dress forevvvver — looks like it would be decently modest on my ubiquitous bust. And it’s in my favorite color (grey)! Hmmm…

  17. Ethe

    I’ve put on weight recently (now actually obese on the BMI scale), and I’m so intensely unhappy with my body. I’m uncomfortable dating (currently single), men must never be attracted to me. I’m uncomfortable living life at this size.

    I feel like I’m doing everything I can, but it’s not making a difference – I workout 4 times a week, plus walk an hour every day, I count calories, and I’ve been to the doctor, nothing is wrong with me. It’s only been 5 weeks, maybe I just need to be more patient.

    • Stranger on the Internet

      Patience, yes. And too, while you absolutely get to decide where you are happy and comfortable with your body–that is your choice and feeling to have, no one else’s–you are valuable and worthy of love and attention from others wherever you are. Explore the second half of your first paragraph, perhaps in therapy, so that it doesn’t creep into how you feel about your value.

    • Anon

      You can both work on being more fit and healthy AND love who you are now. You don’t need to stop dating. Many men like your body type (which at times is my body type, I honestly get more male attention when my curves are filled out more)

      Put yourself as you are out there, with honest and accurate photos if you are using a dating app, and see what happens.

      Weight loss or not aside, you don’t need to put your life on hold until you hit some magical number on the scale. There is more to you than your body.

      • Anonymous

        I wish someone would have said this last paragraph to me in my early 20s. Wholeheartedly agree.

        As someone who formerly suffered from an eating disorder, one of the best things I did for myself to finally love my body (whatever it looked like) was to see a personal trainer and start strength training. Changing your focus from what your body looks like to what it can do does wonders for your confidence regardless of the number on the scale.

    • Alissa

      I feel you! I know it takes time but it just feels like nothing is helping. Try to be kind to yourself (I will try also!).

      Also, it’s possible some of the uncomfortable dating stuff grows out of “uncomfortable living life at this size” — e.g., your own feelings about yourself and your body are giving off a general “uncomfortable with yourself vibe” that others are picking up on, or your unhappiness with yourself is coloring how you perceive others perceiving you. At least, that’s been my experience.

      In any case, hugs!

    • Ellen

      Do not worry. If you keep doeing these things, you will loose weight. And believe me, men will be interested in you even if you have a tuchus. I have a tuchus and it has NOT stopped men from asking me out. You sound like you have a positive attitude, and personality, so just keep at it. You will find a man, as will I, if we are persistent and do NOT lower our standards! YAY!!!

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried a program with social support? Weight Watchers has been working for me because it’s a program I can do around my kids because there’s not special shakes/meals.

      Keys for me were a program that involved eating real food not diet foods. WW allows artificial sweeteners but I avoid those foods. Also portion control was huge – after two pregnancies I was regularly eating two cups of cooked pasta for dinner. A serving size is one half of that.

      I also learned that while activity is very important for health – definitely continue what you are doing – weight loss comes mainly from diet. It’s impossible to out run your fork. But don’t drastically cut your calories because you will send your body into starvation mode. Make sure you eat enough protein and try to fill up with veggies and fruit. Seek social support for your journey, whether through a program like WW or via friends who have had successful weight loss.

      If you are near to obese, you should be seeing a weight loss of 1-2lbs a week. If it’s more than that on a regular basis, reassess what you are doing because it may not be healthy. Steady continuous loss is more healthy in the long term that yo-yo up and down type loss. You are changing how you will eat for the rest of your life. It’s a hard and emotional journey – don’t try to do it alone.

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t address the dating aspect. But definitely don’t be afraid to date using a clear picture online. I focused on the weight loss because you said ‘I don’t feel comfortable living life at this size’ and it’s clear that weight loss is about you feeling more comfortable in your own body – which is a great motivator.

    • yoyo

      Data point: I met my husband on Match when I was at my highest weight. It’s pretty great because I don’t have to worry that he will be upset if I gain some weight.

      • Anonymous

        Same with me and my recent love. I think meeting a guy at a weight you can sustain takes a lot of pressure off. Shows you it just doesn’t matter to him.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Word! I had a few moments of being like “aw, I wish I had got thin for my wedding (pictures)” (uh, for me ‘get thin’ = disordered behavior, so it’s not actually cute) and then I’m like, “eh, actually, I look cuteAF and my husband adores me, chub and all!” and it makes me confident again.

    • Anonymous

      Oh honey, I totally get where you’re coming from, but 5 weeks is way too soon to get frustrated. A few years ago it took me 6 months to lose 10 lbs! I was about to go crazy, but once the weight started coming off, it kept going and I ended up losing 35 lbs, and the workouts changed my body shape in a way that made me look better (at least to myself).

      If you’re making a lot of really drastic changes all at once, just know that they may not be sustainable and you’ll end up more frustrated in the long run. Remember, this has to be a lifestyle change or the weight loss won’t last. I agree with the weight watchers suggestion, and maybe also try a group fitness class or boot camp program, to get support. But most of all, don’t put off doing what you want to do because of your body. We are all works in progress; anyone who wants you only at your most perfect self isn’t going to make a good partner for the long haul. You’re doing great at being healthier, and regardless of whether you lose all the weight you want to, that will benefit you in the long run. Hugs.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been regular weight and obese, and I can tell you that for dating, I’ve never slept with or dated an overweight man. I’ve been with many athletic men who like curvy women. Put an accurate pic on your profiles so men know what you look like (and they should do the same)! But believe me when I say there are many conventionally attractive men who like bigger women.

      Five weeks isn’t long. You didn’t put on that weight in five weeks, so it won’t come off that quickly either. I hope you’re doing fun exercise, otherwise 4xs/wk may feel like a drag. Perhaps mix it up with a fun class like belly dancing or zumba?

      • Baconpancakes

        This is good – I think I heard somewhere that for sustainable weight loss, the amount of time it took you to put it on is the amount of time you should expect it to take to come off. Not sure about the veracity of that, but it sure makes sense. (And puts into perspective that it took 4 years to gain 20 lbs, so maybe losing it all in 6 months isn’t reasonable.)

    • hi

      So sorry that you’re feeling this way! Strength training is a really effective way to change your body (so many people focus only on cardio). Highly recommend the free videos online through Fitness Blender. Best of all, you can do them in the privacy of your home and you need very minimal equipment.

    • Anonymous

      That was me in January. I’d been overweight for a while but just ticked over into obese. It sucked and I hated everything. 9 months later I’ve lost 15lbs on weight watchers. It’s been really slow and I’m not where I hoped, but I feel so much better in my skin. Literally. Not growing new stretch marks.

    • Marija

      Hello, my friend. That sounds really frustrating, but it will not be a situation that lasts forever.

      Exercise is crucial for physical and mental health, and keep on keeping on with that (making sure you do the heavy-breathing, can’t-talk-during-it kind of exercise for a part of your exercising time). But weight loss is almost wholly done via one’s food intake, so this is where I wanted to check in. If you care to share 1) what you eat during the day on your plan, and 2) how you prefer eating in general (because eating the way that makes you happy leads to much, much better long-term results), then I would love to help with specific recommendations. I often see women trying to eat way too little (like, 1300 calories a day, never a safe idea) when trying to lose weight. Proper weight loss is slow and takes a long time. I actually don’t recommend losing more than .5 lb a week. I know it sounds insignificant, but you will have plenty of time to adjust to your permanent new habits and you will not feel uncomfortable on a day-to-day basis.

      Your best bet is to tailor the following to your own dietary preferences. For breakfast, I would never eat cereal or even yogurt with fruit, but have savory foods – you can make eggs with vegetables and toast, or breakfast burritos, or savory oatmeal, then have fruit after that if you want. (We eat oatmeal made with milk, never water, and then salt it and add wheat germ/bran/flax/etc. and put plain full-fat greek yogurt on top. Full forever.) For lunch, think filling, vegetably, and tasty. Grains, beans/lentils, a whole lot more vegetables than seems reasonable, and then change up the other things as you want – goat cheese, hard cheese, eggs, all kinds of nuts and seeds, etc. Dinner can take more time to cook and can vary according to your preferences, but, again, include a lot of vegetables and beans/lentils, and nuts and seeds. Unless it would cause you to “eat everything in one sitting,” definitely eat a reasonable (real, not “diet”) desert after dinner. For example, half a Ritter chocolate, or half or a third of a Lindt chocolate.

      Okay, I somehow wrote a novel to you. I hope you will see this!

  18. Coral

    I posted recently about my search for more sustainable clothing- has anyone ever ordered from Vetta? They do capsule wardrobes, and they’re Eco friendly. It looks like I can order a whole capsule for about $600, which seems really reasonable, but that depends on the quality of clothes. Any reviews? Thoughts on the capsule idea?

    • Suburban

      No experience with this brand but so far so good on project 333. The limited universe of options really helps me get dressed without making a giant mess and I’ve gotten lots of compliments.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      I do. With the caveat that I haven’t had it all that long (maybe 2 years?) and that I don’t wear it weekly (more like a couple times a month, the quality is good. The jacket’s elbows haven’t grown shiny, which is frequently a problem for me because I rest my elbows on my desk when reading. The fit matches their other suiting.
      Not what you asked, but in particular, I really love the seamed sheath dress, and I wear that piece more than any other. I rarely wear the skirt; the hip:waist ratio doesn’t work for me. Tailoring to bring the waist in might be worth it.

    • Torin

      I have several and they’re very good quality, especially for the price point. But, TBF, I bought all three between 4 and 6 years ago, so they may have changed suppliers since then.

      I rarely dry-clean to try to preserve them. In between dry-cleaning, I spray with laundry spray and steam.

    • yoyo

      I’ve used Peapod, Instacart, and Fresh Direct. Fresh Direct is by far the best.

      • Green Hat

        I posted a response that seemed to have gotten eaten, but I agree with this.

    • banana

      I looked into Instacart but decided it wasn’t a great fit for us. The annual fee is not the only charge. There is a service fee (10%) which you can opt out of and increasingly an expectation that you tip the driver (presumably 10%). This fee structure is odd to me because either you want to use it all the time (in which case an annual charge seems very reasonable) or very occasionally (in which case I don’t mind paying a premium for delivery).

      I’m looking into primenow for occasional grocery delivery. A gallon of milk is $3.50 for my area there, and $2 if I go to the absolutely cheapest grocery store. So there is a markup, but I’d be willing to pay it occasionally if it meant skipping a trip to the store.

    • Anon

      I’ve been flirting with grocery delivery services. I live close to a couple of grocery stores but parking at either of them is a nightmare, and I work long days.

      I’ve been using Instacart but only for Whole Foods, and only fresh meats and veggies. I don’t want to pay that kind of markup for paper towels, canned goods etc.

      I’m on the west coast and Safeway/Vons is dominant out here so I tried their delivery service this weekend. I would not do it again. I noticed as I was putting groceries away that I hadn’t received several items I ordered. I checked my receipt and I had certainly been charged for them.

      So I tried to call their 877 number and was on hold for over 15 minutes twice that day before I gave up.

      They had an option to email so I emailed them and didnt even get an auto response. Nothing. Two days later I finally called again and waited >20 minutes to get a live person.

      She credited me the items ONLY (nothing for the inconvenience) until I argued with her that I should get a credit for the delivery fee because I had to get into my car and drive to safeway to get those things, which defeated the purpose of delivery.

      I’m looking forward to what the Whole Foods/Amazon partnership does for grocery delivery. There has to be a better way.

  21. Pocono Palace

    Has anyone ever gone here? Considering booking a surprise weekend with my husband in the champagne tower room, because I think it’s hilarious and could be a lot of fun. I don’t really understand how the food works (it looks like it is all inclusive?). Curious if you’ve gone and if it was fun. I’ve seen reviews saying how it is not that updated, etc., and that does not bother us at all. I mean – champagne. Tower.

    • anon

      Haven’t been but I agree, it looks hilarious. However, a lot of the reviews say housekeeping is sub-par. I just don’t think I could get past that.

    • Never too many shoes...

      That looks so ridiculously OTT that I want to go there right now. The cheesier, the better!

    • Anonymous

      Wow — I went there probably close to 20 years ago, as a child. A friend’s parents were performing artists (they had a band) there and they snuck us in for a slumber party.

      I remember very little. I’m sure it’s probably chintzy AF and like most places in the Poconos (my hometown!) just not on its game. But the price probably also matches and if you’re good with that, the fall is a beautiful time to visit that area!

    • Anonymous

      We went about 4 years ago. The whole place is dated and yeah the rooms aren’t the perfect example of cleanliness, but they weren’t awful either. They just feel dirty probably because the linens are so old. It is not all inclusive, you get all you can eat breakfast and a multi-course dinner but are on your own for lunch and drinks. Entertainment is sub-par. We stayed 2 nights and got a little bored towards the end of the second day, but I think we went at the wrong time of year – too cold to be outside but no snow on the ground for winter activities. Look for groupons/deals and don’t pay full price.

      • OP

        Thanks! That’s exactly what I needed. I think we are doing two nights but we’re big board gamers so we’ll bring some of our entertainment, too. Obviously I don’t love it not being super clean but if it’s just a bit dingy and aged/dated, that’s fine.

  22. Kale

    Any lawyers here who became venture capitalists? I’ve recently met a handful of very successful VC folks who used to be lawyers and was wondering how common that was and whether the success was facilitated by the JD or was due to factors outside the JD.

    • Anonymous

      I am not, but my brother did. He was doing mergers and acquisitions in his firm previously and I assume that helped.

  23. Yo-yo

    I’m a effing basket case about my job, and I don’t know what to do about it. My poor DH can’t handle hearing me be a roller coaster about it any more. I’ve written about it before so it might ring bells, but I’m in a commission only, financial services role. Promises of big money, lots of prestige, blah blah. I’m about a year in. Oh and I’m newly pregnant after a hell of a struggle with infertility (job doesn’t know yet).

    If I get hired on a new deal, I’m cruising – life is grand. But, I haven’t had a new deal in a while and the senior people aren’t carrying me the way they represented they would while I established my business. I’m told I’m doing everything right, planting all the right seeds for future business, it’s hard to get started, give it time, etc etc, but I just don’t see the path forward. Another reality is the senior people don’t actually know where I stand – they’re busy themselves, but evidently I present as having my $hit together. My pipeline is almost zero, but then again I also have the praise of basically everyone for my efforts, I’m “the model for the next generation of people advancing into this role,” etc. Except, efforts don’t pay bills.

    This year I’ll make $125k which I FULLY acknowledge isn’t small dollars. But, I could easily make (more than!) that at a slow, salaried, probably boring but not stressful whatsoever 9-5. In my immediately prior role pre-promotion I was salaried+bonus, working quite a few more hours (senior associate equivalent I guess? – executing other people’s business, whereas now I bring in my own business and oversee the execution) but also making $200k+ without too much consistent/significant stress. New role ‘average income’ is $400k, and I have a particularly strong office/market and work among numerous people making $800k+.

    Has anyone else been in a role like this who can tell me to either (a) be patient – a little fear is healthy and it takes time, or (b) cut and run, life’s too short. I also don’t understand if/how this kind of yo-yo of emotions is feasible when the baby arrives. Not sure what I’m looking for, but writing it out makes me feel a bit better. Le sigh.

    • Triangle Pose

      Have you posted about this before? If you are the previous poster, I feel like you were plain misled re: “New role ‘average income’ is $400k, and I have a particularly strong office/market and work among numerous people making $800k+.” Can you verify this? Can you have these people who are making this amount sit you down and explain the process, the timing, how long it should take if you are doing everything right to get there? I feel like they have answers for you, not us on this board.

      Congrats on the baby!

      Good luck! I hope it gets better.

      • OP

        Yes, I’ve posted before. The baby is new news, which I think has me in a particularly nasty mental state about the whole thing.

        You make a really good point – I haven’t sat with my leadership because I frankly don’t think they’ll be helpful at all, and might just deliver the ‘Suck it up. This is what you signed up for’ shtick. It’s been decades since they’ve pounded the pavement like I am, so I suspect they don’t know how to get business in today’s climate. I should sit with the next tier above me, maybe a tier above that, for that advice. Thanks!

      • OP

        And, thank you, and others, for being kind. I’m nearing a decade as an active reader of this s!te and very much value the advice of the community.

    • glasses

      It really depends on your personality, and your husband’s job security…. and what quality of life looks like to you with a new baby.

      For me…. there’s no question. I would cut and run. Now. Before the baby is born.

      What do you want out of life?

      • Anon

        This. Just because the uncertainty of commission-only works for some people doesn’t mean it works for you and your family, and that’s perfectly ok.

    • Anonymous

      Not a role like this, but I was freelance for a while, and the hustling. Oh, the hustling. Constant hustling and pitching and networking. I took a staff position about a year after baby was born because I couldn’t do yet another conference call with Asia at 11pm while hiding in the bathroom so as not to wake the baby. And the stability and overlap with daycare hours were what I needed. In future, who knows? Sometimes I really thrive on the adrenaline rush of hustling and pitching and networking, and I haven’t ruled out going back to it. And it was in an industry that pays significantly less – a good year would be perhaps $90K?

      If you can afford it, and if you know that you thrive on the commission-only rollercoaster, stick with it, and don’t underestimate the time you need to build up. Cut expenses; build a savings cushion while you’re at it. Plus, you have an advantage in that you’re not a solo entrepreneur with all the tax and administrative juggling that entails; you have the structure and safety net of being employed at a firm, with senior staff to guide the way.

  24. Canoeing with Dog

    Any outdoorsy folks canoe with their dog? My pup isn’t scared of water, but doesn’t necessarily love to swim. She’s never been canoeing and I’ve only done it a few times. A group of friends is going out this weekend and I really want to take her.

    Thoughts? Advice?

    • ELS

      I did it, but put a doggy life vest on her when I did.

      I think this works best with relatively short canoe trips, and with doggos who are OK with being relatively still/sedentary (don’t take your super energetic puppy. You will tip over. It will be unpleasant).

      My pup is now 10, and I took her last year. We were on the water for a few hours. I had her in the vest, brought a leash, and some treats/water for her. We took some interim stops along the way, so she got sniff breaks.

      Are you going in one canoe? We had a few smaller ones for our group, and it helped that not everyone had to be confined with my pup.

      • ATL Anon

        I second the life jacket, dogs tire easily. I have one for my water-loving golden puppy. The rest of ELS’s advice is great too, I do this with my dog when we paddleboard.

        Pay attention to the heat and length of time. I would cap it at 30-40 minutes in mild weather for the first time. Make sure to have a backup plan if your dog hates it (unstable surfaces could spook her), like leaving or taking her for a walk while your friends finish up.

    • mascot

      Do you have a life jacket for her? Is she pretty good about sitting still or is she going to be moving around a lot and making the boat tippy? Would you be able to self-rescue if one or both of you fell into the water? (this should be easier since you have several other people with you). If she ended up hating it, would you be able to bail on the paddle trip part of the way through?

    • Miss

      You’ll want to see how she is on the water before taking her on a canoeing trip. My dog became unhappy once we got too far away from shore and decided to jump overboard. If your dog is not small, it will be almost impossible to get them back in the canoe without help. Basically, you need to figure out before the trip if your dog is going to stay calm and sit or lie in the canoe without issues. If not, don’t take the dog. It will be miserable for everyone.

      Also, seconding that you need a life jacket for your dog.

    • Anonymous

      Bit of a different take – you might want to consider your audience. Are your friends a super dog friendly group? Or are they likely to be annoyed if your dog is whining, pacing, causing a ruckus? The idea of paddling along laughing with your friends with your dog happily enjoying the outdoors is great. But if your dog isn’t all that thrilled about water and has never been on a canoe… it seems likely that you’re going to be at least somewhat distracted by the dog. If your friends aren’t used to dogs and your dog ends up being needy, you run the risk of being That Friend, right along with the friend who, like, showed up to a wine tasting with her toddler.

    • Belle Boyd

      If you are not sure how she will react to being in a canoe, I’d highly suggest not taking her, especially if you are not going to be in a canoe by yourself (or with a VERY understanding friend), because canoes are not famous for stability and if your dog decides she wants to be at the opposite end of the canoe, or if she sees a critter on the shore, she may capsize the thing. Not something that makes other folks happy.

      If you just can’t bear to leave her at home, DO NOT put her in that canoe with out a life jacket. Take her leash, water, some food/treats, and maybe a toy or two to keep her occupied.

      If you do take her, and if it is possible, have her wear the life jacket around the house to get used to it. They can feel/smell strange to a dog and she may not like it. Putting it on her just before you put her in the canoe may make it a rough trip if she’s fussing at it trying to get it off.

      My family’s camp is near a river popular for canoeing and kayaking. We see a lot of folks taking their dogs out on the water. Some handle it well, some don’t. The ones that don’t make it a miserable day for all involved and then some.

  25. No-roll yoga pants?

    Any recs for yoga pants that won’t roll at the waistband? I’ve started doing yoga and I don’t know whether it’s a size issue or a cut issue but have some pants that roll at the waist when I forward fold. I carry some extra weight around my waist so I don’t know if my pants aren’t tight enough around the waist or they need to be higher or lower cut. help?

    • Anonymous

      I have black Old Navy ones that have a set on waistband (its a separate piece) that come up higher. That may help!

    • AnonMidwest

      I have a bevy of yoga pants in all styles and budgets, the key here is fit more than one style, because bodies are different. High waisted works better for me, but may not for you. I spend more of my time yanking up the lower rise ones, but I carry my weight in my thighs.

      Short answer – trial and error here is your friend.

      • Pompom

        +1 trial and error. I have almost entirely switched to high waisted ones, after a lot of …error with other shapes.

        Target and ON make, imho, the best budget leggings, but the best ones I own, hands down, are Lucy Activewear. They come in allllll shapes and sizes and patterns and I love them and can’t wait to put them on when I get home.

    • RGH

      Yes – same issue. I find that the “high waist” leggings are actually the worst and they always roll down on me (apple shape). The champion leggings from Target fit great, as do a brand I’ve purchased at TJ Maxx, Marshalls etc type places and I don’t know the brand but the logo on the back center outside waistband is 3 or 4 overlapping ovals. They are THAT GOOD so check back and I’ll look at them when I get home. The more expensive ones seem to be the worst for rolling, so now I’m team discount store all the way. Zella and Beyond Yoga not that great, unfortunately.

      • RGH

        It looks like these are called Balance by Marika. Three up and down ovals is the logo. I forgot I also like the Lucy capris. Those do not roll either.

    • Katie

      I have a couple pairs from Athleta that I swear by. I think mine are the Relay and maybe the Chataranga ones – they come up higher and they also have a drawstring (though it’s a bit redundant). They really hold me in (I’m not a small girl) and wear like iron. I’ve had mine for 5 years and done some serious training in them, and they look and feel as good as the day I bought them. They are a thicker weight, so may be too warm for some, but don’t get sheer when you bend over.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re a straight size, Lululemon has the widest waist proportionally out of all the yoga pants I’ve tried. A smidge wider than Athletas, but both are good. I find Old Navy and Zella too small in the waist. I think it’s the cut but the nicer, expensive material also makes a big difference.

  26. Mom at work

    I’ve posted a few times about my transition from NYC biglaw to a smaller firm in a midsize city. I seem to be having a hard time with it. I’ve been at the firm for just over 4 months and I have had a hard time getting steady work. I was busy on an interesting case for a while, then I was getting work in a totally different area then what I was hired for, and now I have no work at all. I got really good feedback on the work I’ve done so I really don’t think it’s a work product issue. I’m starting to get really down about it. I had one call scheduled for today and it just got cancelled and I could cry. I’m so bored and starting to feel really bad about myself. Aside from all the networking things to try to start bringing in work myself, how can I pass the time and how worried should I be about this?

    • Anon

      What practice area are you in? Also, are you a partner, counsel, or senior associate? Is there someone at the firm who is your contact for issues with your workload? Usually when you’re only 4 months in, they’ll be actively trying to integrate you and someone should be checking in with you regularly to make sure you’re getting enough work, etc.

      If I were you I would be heavily networking, meeting new people in your practice area, etc. both because it could be good for bringing in business and also so that you’re ready to leave if a good opportunity presents itself. The current work environment doesn’t sound great and you may be happier in-house or at another firm that has more business in your practice area.

      • Mom at work

        Thanks. I’m a senior associate and I was hired to do white collar criminal defense. There are two practice leaders in the group that I report to and have talked to about my workload. One of the practice leaders also handles a lot of med mal defense work and typically if I ask him for more work he gives me that, so it’s work but not what I want to be doing long term. I get the sense that there generally is WCCD work to do. I’m really starting to miss my old job.

        • anon

          I used to be in a firm in a mid-sized city with an emphasis on white collar defense. IME, this is one of those areas that just has a “feast or famine” type of work flow. My suggestion would be to try to pick up any work in related areas of litigation –antitrust, securities, fraud/civil RICO, health care fraud/false claims, etc. The substance may overlap some, and you’ll probably be in federal court more with these types of cases, even if you’re in civil cases instead of criminal (assuming your white collar work is mostly federal).

        • Anonymous

          Doesn’t every firm say they have more white collar work than they actually have? Even good firms – if they aren’t white collar boutiques – will grab representations for 2 executives in 2 white collar prosecutions and boom – they have a white collar practice. It’s also dependent on whether the gov’t is bringing a lot of those kinds of charges against corporations – which it may not be right now. I agree with the above – broaden out to commercial litigation bc at least you’ll get complicated commercial work; or if you only want to do white collar think about a white collar boutique or the USAO – not sure if they’d be under the current hiring freeze or not.

        • Anon at 12:21 pm

          This is helpful context. I was in white collar litigation for a few years and shifted to a financial services regulatory practices for the very reasons that the other anons listed in their responses.

          1) The work flow is very feast or famine, which means you are either working crazy hours and traveling all the time, or you’re bored and anxious. There are no institutional clients really, so as soon as one client is done, you have to be looking for the next. And all of your clients are stressed, unhappy, and often fee-sensitive.

          2) Because there are no institutional clients, a “white collar practice” just means that they happened to land a couple white collar prosecutions. Your job is significantly less stable than when you’re in a practice that has several institutional clients. I’d seriously consider trying to transition out of this practice area (unless you absolutely love it) and move into a practice area with recurring work from institutional clients.

  27. Senior Attorney

    L.A.-area ladies, do any of you have a referral for an, uh, tech handyman? Everything in my house from the DirecTV to the smart thermostat to the built-in speaker system needs some tweaking, and I haven’t had any luck finding somebody to help me with it. One guy came out and looked and said he’d send a quote, then disappeared. And another guy won’t return my calls.

    Anybody? I’m in the Upper East Side (Pasadena area) and I’m getting desperate!

    • banana

      Geek Squad? I don’t know if they do this type of thing but it might be worth inquiring. Otherwise, kidnap a Caltech student.

      • Pompom

        Geek Squad? I don’t know if they do this type of thing but it might be worth inquiring. Otherwise, kidnap a Caltech student.

    • Anon

      No recommendation specifically, but I’ve had good luck finding local recommendations for other service providers through the NextDoor app. There’s some level of general craziness/insanity in my local neighborhood forum, but if you can get through those posts, I’ve found a really good handyman and plumber this way.

    • Pesh

      If you have an in-house IT department, I’d stop in and ask them if they know of a service to help you calibrate your technology. If they don’t, one of them might offer up their services to make a little extra money (or know of someone else who would).

    • Rainbow Hair

      Woah do people actually call Pasadena the UES? I’m so out of touch (and so, so far east).

      • Senior Attorney

        LOL actually Lovely Husband and I are trying to make Pasadena = UES happen. Because it totally is, right? You’re on vacation someplace and somebody says “where are you from?” and you say “L.A.” And they say “what part?”

        I’m just sayin’. Look at the map…

        • Rainbow Hair

          Once I was at a party in Eagle Rock and everyone was like “wow I never drive this far east!!!” and I was like… :-|

          • Senior Attorney

            *snort*

            BTW it’s my view that Eagle Rock is the Brooklyn of Los Angeles. All those hipsters in fedoras with their baby strollers and dogs…

        • turtletorney

          ah okay, ignore my other comment. Glad to hear it is not actually a thing and I have been living under a rock this whole time (in the same area no less!)

    • turtletorney

      Don’t have any recs unfortunately, but as a fellow LA-based lady I have never heard of the Pasadena area be referred to as the Upper East Side. made me laugh!

  28. Zion National Park

    We are considering an extended family trip to Zion National Park. One relative is not up for hiking – is there anything to do there other than hiking? Or should we pick a different destination?

    • Anon

      You can see a good deal from the car, but like in any national park the best way to get away from the crowds and really see what the park has to offer is by hiking. IIRC, there were a couple of easier “hikes” (the beginning of the narrows, for instance) that aren’t really hiking so much as walking on a boardwalk. If relative is up for that and is just against anything with an incline or rough terrain, you should be okay.

    • Anonalon

      Depends on how long you plan to make this trip. Visiting some of the stops along the scenic drive would get you a few hours of light enjoyment but if you’re planning on a multi-day trip then I’d recommend picking another destination. Save Zion for yourself and see it the way it’s meant to be seen.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Can you add some other stops? We did an incredibly memorable guided tour in Canyon de Chelly — it’s not close-close to Zion, but it could be a fun part of a multi-stop trip. You could go to Bryce too. Grand Canyon! Flagstaff! Road Trip! You could also look into a hot air balloon around the national park — that could be neat!

  29. high school sweethearts

    I remember posting about this in the last couple years, but cannot for the life of me find the post (I wish I could just for nostalgia!) —

    My high school ex and I landed in the same city. While the relationship end was messy (what’s not messy at 17!?) we went to the same college, talked via messenger there and had some big heart-to-hearts, saw each other a couple times and were on good terms, etc. He called me back in 2013-ish when he moved here permanently. We had gotten together a couple times for dinner/brunch but that was it, and every time after we saw each other we’d text for a few days then fall off. He works in an industry where he doesn’t have his phone, which I think contributed to it. Always had a great time, always left saying, wow I wish he lived closer, he is so smart and funny I think we’d still be friends! etc.

    Short story… we are dating again, and have been for about 3 months. It is weird, not in a bad way. We have both changed so much — we still have some kind of core attraction for certain, but we have both been through big physical changes (massive weight loss for both of us, etc. though I was thin in HS and gained my weight in college with a hormonal issue) and education and work and just big maturity changes overall that come with a decade+ of experience.

    I am just so happy and wanted to share that story here, because I was starting to feel like I was going to be stuck in the cyclone of shitty guys and online dating forever.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Wow, what a cool story! Here’s one this reminded me of…

      My Grammy was dating a guy when she was young. He ended up going off to fight in WWII and she married someone else. Uh like 50 years later the husband died. Then one day, my mom and everyone found themselves unable to contact Grammy. After about a week, she called. She had reconnected with WWII bf and were super romantically galavanting around Northern California!!! They didn’t end up staying together (neither was willing to move away from their families) but still, what a sweet adventure!

    • Anon

      Congrats!

      Watch yourself that you don’t fall into older patterns. While this is a cute story, it also reads a little young for someone who is likely in their late 20s. You know yourself best and all that, but if you were my friend in RL, I’d be watching for red flags for you. Two yellow flags jump out just from that story (already excusing the dropoff of texts for him but not for you – when there’s really no need for an excuse on either side – and focusing on exact circumstances of weight gain – again no need for excuse) that make my ears prick up.

      Obviously I’m reading a ton into 4 paragraphs on an anonymous forum, and there’s no way to write this that doesn’t automatically put you on the defensive. But just a caution to watch those signs if you think they’re an issue for you.

  30. Anonymous

    Anyone feel they’ve outgrown their hometown? I think I’ve outgrown my small city, but I feel bad moving because there’s a bad brain drain here (and in many areas across the country).

    I live and work here, and I have to I interact with are very small minded Trump fans, and I’m very liberal. I have no problem being respectful but I get sick of the rhetoric about immigrants taking our jobs and poor people being lazy (even though my town’s median income is $33K).

    I went away for college, grad school, and worked out of state for 5 years. I came back to help the community, and I’m very involved serving on several boards and in civic events. But I feel like I don’t click with many folks, although I’ve made some great friends, and I’m frustrated at the direction of my city (moving toward receivership).

    None of my siblings live here. Most friends from high school are gone. At what point did you feel the need to throw in the towel, if you’ve similarly outgrown your roots? My biggest concern is I don’t want to seem “better than”…if that makes sense…but I want to be somewhere where I’m happier with the community climate.

    • Anon

      “My biggest concern is I don’t want to seem “better than”…if that makes sense…but I want to be somewhere where I’m happier with the community climate.”

      You don’t have a civic responsibility to live in a certain place. Nor does it make you a bad person or a snob or a global elite to decide that you’d like to move somewhere with a culture that’s a better fit for you. If you’re not happy, this internet stranger gives you full permission to move!

      • Anon

        It’s noble that you moved back at all! But I think living somewhere where you click can dramatically increase happiness in life, moreso than you’d think for something so “superficial.” Speaking from experience.

    • Rainbow Hair

      You only have this one short life! It sounds like you felt, for a while, that it was worth putting up with some downsides of your city because of the work you hoped to do there. Now it sounds like you don’t think it’s worth it any more. You don’t owe your town this! Go, chase the life you want!

    • Anonymous

      You deserve to be happy where you live! People may feel you think you are ‘better tha’ the town but the truth is that you are ‘different than’ the town. You have different values from most of the residents and a different (broader) range of life experiences.

      What have done to help is wonderful. You absolutely can and should move to a place that feels like home in every sense of that word.

      If it makes you feel better, you absolutely can continue to financially contribute to your favorite local causes once you leave.

  31. Anonymous

    I missed the opportunity to comment yesterday on the “how to delegate” post. I’m wondering if anyone read the recent Atlantic magazine article about negative perceptions of female managers, including (and maybe especially) on the part of other women. It focused on female law partners, and how everyone hates them. I found it depressing — I’m probably older than most people on this site (and a female law partner)
    , and find myself feeling really worn down by this stuff lately. . . .

  32. Anonymous

    I may have to buy a new car soon and have a specific model/type in mind (it’s a manual from one of the European brands). Ideally it would be a couple years old, although I may have to look at new cars too. This type of car is also hard to find (few of them are made). I’m in the DC area and don’t mind traveling a few hours.

    If I check out Craigslist, CarMax, and the brand’s dealerships in a few-hour radius, will I be covering the whole sale landscape?

    • CountC

      If it’s a hard to find car, get on the message boards of the “collectors” and see if there is an appropriate place to post an ISO post. My used car buying go tos are CarGurus.com, autotrader.com, and Craigslist.

    • Anon

      Is it a model that is likely to be traded in? If so, and if you can wait, I’d check with the dealerships and leave some contact info with salesman. I used to buy used cars from a salesman who lined up new car sale to Customer A, Customer B has been looking for Customer A’s trade-in, and Customer C has been looking for Customer B’s trade-in. And if you happen to be looking for a VW Jetta GLI Autobahn Edition 6 speed manual transmission, I am going to trade mine sometime in the next few months. :)

      • CountC

        Ahhhhhhh, I would have taken that off your hands when I was selling back my TDI this spring!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, all. It’s an Audi so not far off :) I don’t think many come up for trade-in because they tend not to be leased. I’ll check out CountC’s ideas.

  33. Sloan Sabbith

    The incompetence of my specialty clinic makes me want to cry-scream. Took the day off work Thursday for five doctor appointments- 3 specialty appointments, 2 lab/scans. Get a call just now that the most important specialty doctor canceled because he has to cover the ICU (note: this is at the largest hospital in Seattle, it is inconceivable to me that they have NO other doctor to cover the ICU except one that’s committed to seeing 2 dozen patients that day). His next available appointment isn’t until the Monday before Thanksgiving. I’m sick and needed to see him and will have to take yet more time off work when they do eventually fit me in (which will be before Thanksgiving, so help me G-d). I don’t have enough sick time to do that plus take off time for the sinus surgery I need probably this year or early next year.

    The hospital does this kind of thing all the time and I am just so frustrated. I can’t move hospitals because this is the only one with an accredited specialty clinic- no one else in Seattle treats cystic fibrosis. Seeing another doctor at the clinic is a terrible idea- my CF is complicated, and he’s very familiar with my case and all the various issues. And the scheduler’s brilliant idea was to schedule me with a resident. Nope.

    Vent over. Just so frustrated and angry that patients are put last at this stupid hospital. Constantly.

    Much lighter question (because retail therapy): what shoes do you walk your dog in in the morning/night in winter? Seattle, so cold and rainy but not snowy. I’ve been wearing Reef flip flops this summer and would like something equally comfortable and quick to slip on that cover the top and backs of my feet (so, no moccs), with some grip on the bottom. I’m leaning towards Uggs but they’re SO expensive and I wouldn’t wear them on the weekends, most likely. Might wear short Ugg knock offs if anyone has any personal recommendations. $60 is the most I’ll spend- they’re really, really dog-walking/running-to-the-grocery-store/pizza place/drugstore shoes…

    • Anonymous

      That’s the WORST! So sorry this happened! Incredibly frustrating for sure.

      For cold/rainy I like Merrell products – either shoes or ankle boots. Great grip and cozy but not sweaty.

    • Anonymous

      Garnet Hill has a pair of Sorel slippers on sale right now. They are fleecy like Uggs inside, but have the lug-like Sorel outsole.

    • Anon

      I see some UGG moccasins on sales for about $60! They are my go to winter slip-on errands shoe

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Sloan,

      Late reply, I hope you see it. Does your doc email? If so, you might want to send him an email. My GI personally reads his emails instead of having his nurse do it. He might not realize your complex case got caught up in his sweep to reschedule. He might squeeze you in sooner. I’m sorry you are dealing with that.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        No. I have his cell phone number if I absolutely need it though (and have used it when his GD nurse wouldn’t call me back and the system was constantly routing me back to the main line) and he’s usually pretty good about getting me in sooner- plus, I’ll be seeing his colleague on Thursday and will most certainly be (maturely) expressing my deep displeasure at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. So I expect I’ll be in next week or the week after, which helps but doesn’t improve my general irritation that the hospital is so terrible that this kind of stuff happens all the time. A few weeks ago they threw away a lab sample of mine because they “forgot” to label it and wanted me to come back to re-give it when they’d already been running an hour and a half late.

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