Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tweed Short-Sleeve Fit & Flare Dress

357 Comments

1. Seeking tips and ways to optimize my very small bedroom as a home gym (just peloton and weights) and yoga area. I’ve not worked out in a long time and I’m trying to create a multifunctional place that works aesthetically and functionally. It’s an attic bedroom, I’ve a TV on one wall and a window on the other end can’t find a place for mirrors as there’s a closet on both sides. Any and all advice, what works, what looks and feels great, is very welcome. TIA!

   1. Wall-mounted fan!

   2. Can you mount mirrors on your closet doors?

      1. Or inside the door?

      2. Or just over the window? I’ve seen this in bathrooms where there’s a window over the sink and people just hang the mirror over the window.

   3. We just converted our guest bedroom into a home gym, and it never even occurred to me to put mirrors in there!

      A fan or two is great – we repurposed a relatively powerful clip-on one that I used to use at work, so that might be a good approach to minimize the amount of space it takes up. We also have a small bookshelf to hold misc. workout stuff (bands and roller balls, etc.).

   4. I’d definitely try and mount a mirror on the door – when I lift weights I always notice that I try and catch my reflection in windows so I can check my form. To make it easy, I’d just get a full length door hanging mirror and hang it on one of the closet doors.

      If you don’t have a weight rack to organize your weights, I highly recommend getting one. My husband finally bought one that I rolled my eyes at initially then was shocked how much more functional and nice it made the area. It’s not that big and totally worth it.

      For yoga, I really like lower light for yoga, so I’d bring in a floor lamp to use vs. the overhead light. Or you could bring in twinkle lights! I have a twinkle light curtain that I hang in my yoga area that are my favorite.

2. Looooove this dress, but sadly that price point is not a WFH-compatible one. Gorgeous pick though!

   1. This is similar-ish and $22. I noticed it when a commenter mentioned C. Wonder a couple weeks ago and I was tempted, but I didn’t order it.

   2. The Danny & Nicole line at JCP often has similar styles at better prices (synthetic fabrics? yes, of course, but my Zoom camera is definitely not sharp enough to distinguish).

   3. Very cute, but would be weekend wear for me. Too short for my office.

      1. On me it would be about knee-length so I’m all in, other than the price.

   4. This brand is new to me. I love the look, though most pieces don’t fit my budget or lifestyle. If only I were wealthy, under 30, working in a creative field, and sometimes left my house!!

3. Has anyone tried the Everlane Dream Pant? Considering for WFH wear

   1. I don’t love the sharp front seam on soft pants look of the Dream pant – brings back too many visions of gym teachers in “dress” sweatsuits and cowboys in western-style doubleknit suits. But I am an old, so YMMV.

   2. They look very much like sweatpants, but that’s probably not a problem for WFH.

4. Love Uniqlo products, but hate their styling on the website! Everything is layered under and over a million other products and it’s really hard to see what the products actually look like.

   1. I hear you — so many things now look like the Michelin man.

   2. I love Uniqlo but find their sizing so inconsistent. We don’t have one in my city so whenever I am in a city with a Uniqlo, I go and try everything on.

   3. Agreed, their website puts me off ordering from them despite hearing good things about the clothes.

   4. Hmm have you clicked into the product page itself? They’re usually worn very simply by themselves with little distractions in the photos of the product page. I’ve always been able to tell how the pieces drape. Otherwise Uniqlo is utilitarian, that is about fit and shape but not so much style

5. Since there are so many veteran campers here, can you tell me if this is a do-able stretch or to much to undertake?

   I have car camped and have a light backpacking tent for 2. One kiddo’s family has invited us and a couple of other friends / moms to do a 1-mile backpacking hike from car lot to camp with them one night this week. We will hike in food (I’m not in charge of buying). I have one backpacking backpack and sets of sleeping pads and bags. I have a larger general backpack. Kids are 10, so should be able to help. Weather will be not below mid-50s, but may rain (SEUS). Tent has a vestibule, so wet stuff can go there.

   I am used to car camping where I can take a shocking amount of stuff in a very large car (coat, warmer coat, lots of extra clothes in case of rain / sickness). But this is probably a good way to dip a toe in, even if I have to make 2 trips to the car and back? Or just no. We can politely decline.

   How did Lewis and Clark get across the US? [Obvs: the went with the right woman.]

   1. Sounds very doable. With the kids that old and it only being a one night trip, I would have the kids carry all their own clothes – warm pjs, two changes of clothes plus any warm coats. This is packable in a regular schoolbag size backpack. Use large ziploc bags or packing cubes to keep things organized.

      I suspect you will have to make two trips as I don’t think the kids can carry their clothes plus a sleeping bag and pad and pillow that distance if they are not used to it. You take the tent on your first trip in. Set up tent so everything stays warm and dry. Then make a second trip with the kids taking their sleeping stuff and you taking your sleeping stuff and clothes.

      1. It’s one night of course they can. And you don’t need two changes of clothes and pajamas for one night of camping.

         1. Yep, you don’t need to change clothes at all actually. Bring a warm jacket for everyone, a rain jacket, and call it good.

            1. I would like some of these magical children who never spill anything on themselves, don’t puke or have potty accidents, and don’t get muddy or wet while camping.

               We camp with 6 other families every year and I can’t think of a single time that the kids have all ended the day in the clothes they started with.

            2. This is why I don’t go backpacking. I sweat a lot and have to change clothes frequently, and I can’t stand sleeping in daytime clothes.

               Also, in bear country you cannot sleep in the clothes you wore all day for cooking and eating. Those must be stored properly away from the tent.

   2. Is all your gear backpacking gear, not just the tent? Sleeping bags, sleeping pads, stove, etc.? What’s the water situation? Is it a big, wide walking path or a narrow, rutted trail?

      Hiking one night’s worth of backpacking gear in is doable. I’d leave extra clothes, blankets, etc. in the car so you can go back and get them if needed. With bulky, heavy sleeping bags, air mattresses, a car camping stove, and a cooler, one mile will be a miserable slog, and you’ll end up needing to make several trips unless the path is wide and flat enough to use a wagon. Water will also make a big difference. If it’s a developed hike-in campsite with a water spigot, no problem. If you have to fill your water jug and lug it from the parking lot, that’s a big hassle.

      1. It sounds like someone else has the food and stove situation covered, but either way, you don’t take a cooler backpacking and you can have each person carry their own water for 1 night.

         1. That’s the point, though. This isn’t really backpacking, it’s hike-in car camping. If the group is planning to take car camping stuff, it will be heavy.

   3. I wouldn’t go if it’s raining, that’s miserable. Otherwise seems doable to me! I feel like you don’t truly need that much stuff for one night.

      1. Yeah, a one-night camping trip where it rains the whole time is a total waste.

         1. Luckily I can get an hourly forecast starting ~60 hours out, so if it is hours of storming, I’ll have a hint of it. Often though “rain” is “it might rain for a bit,” which maybe is OK esp. if it is after the sun is down. We could spend years with 30% chance of rain as the legit forecast. “Thunderstorms” is the one that gets my true attention.

   4. Yeah, I think one night is the key here – you can really get away with a lot less when it’s only 24 hours, and like you said, sounds like a good way to dip your toe in.

      1. Agreed. And while it wouldn’t be ideal to have to go back to the car for items kept there in case of emergency, 1 mile isn’t that far away if you really needed to. It’s a good safety net for “first time” camping.

         As an aside for OP, I think it’s great that you’re taking your kids on a backpacking trip at this age. I started overnight backpacking when I was 9 and it was just wonderful. It’s fun, I think kids are less likely to grow up “afraid” or intimidated by being outside when they start early, and it’s great for personal growth/getting out of comfort zones/building resilience.

         1. Agreed! It’s great for kids, especially if you give them jobs that actually help, like setting up the tent. They feel so proud.

   5. Yeah I think this is a great start to backpacking. Totally doable and helps you get in the habit of packing strategically and making do. And if you hate it, oh well. You don’t need to buy any new gear at all for this.

   6. Yeah that sounds fine. Even if you vastly overpack or pack the wrong things it’s not far enough to really matter. I only start getting paranoid about weight for long distances.

   7. That sounds totally doable, and when I did something similar, we brought some emergency stuff like you mention and left it in the car. If you really need something, hiking there and back to get it will probably take under an hour. We didn’t need any of it, but it made me feel a lot better to know it was there in the car, and if we’d had a last-minute change in the weather as we drove, we could have swapped out some things and taken them with us.

6. It’s very Blair Waldorf (NB: I don’t necessarily consider that a bad thing).

   1. This dress is very chic and it’s funny you mentioned Blair Waldorf b/c there is a new series on Netflix (Emily In Paris) I saw this weekend @ home. It’s about Emily, a very fashionable and cute young woman from Chicago who moves to Paris to work as a fashion advocate on social media. She has a b-tchey boss who reminds me alot of another lady in the US movie. Emily is adorable, meets cute French guys and has great s-x! They watched Gossip Girl in Paris! I recommend it to the hive, and all women interested in Paris, guys and having guilt free s-x while working there. I don’t think any other city comes close when it comes to meeting cute guys at bistros on the street like there!

   2. I immediately thought Veronica Lodge from Riverdale. Also not a bad thing. :) And yes, I watch a (truly bananas) teen show.

      1. +1 to both of these. No shame love both of those shows. This is definitely what I thought I’d wear to an office before I actually started working

         1. I absolutely wore some skirts/dresses that were much shorter than I should have to work in my very early 20s. Flat shoes and black tights make it ok, right (no, no they do not…)

            1. I thought as long as they were longer than my fingertips (high school rule) that they were ok.. wrong. luckily my first job was very casual, but I cringe thinking what I used to wear to work.

7. We’re having a full pack and move service. They say I can basically just leave everything where it is and they’ll pack it, but is this really what people do? Should we sort and tidy things ahead of time? We’re going from 700 square feet (which is pretty uncluttered) to 1100 square feet so I’ll do a few donations runs but a bigger purge isn’t necessary. I’ve never done this type of move before and for some reason, this is giving me the most stress. I figured we’d take cat, kid essentials, medication, important documents, and our work computers in the car, and leave the rest for them?

   1. Leave as is, just be careful as they will pack everything in their path. I was running around behind our movers dusting and wiping, and left a dirty duster on a surface, turned round and it was packed. It is so worth having packing done, I will never do it myself again.

      1. I’m really excited, it was only a few hundred £ more to have them pack. They said it was way more efficient for them to pack than to deal with people’s weird DIY packing. Good point on the cleaning supplies.

         1. “Only” geez, how much was the move to begin with?

            1. A local move in the U.S. will cost you in the four figures even if you pack everything yourself and don’t have a lot of stuff. You are paying for several people and a truck. It’s expensive.

            2. Have you not moved before? Cost a grand to have my 1 bedroom moved a mile. Without packing.

            3. I can’t speak for Cb but it cost me $1200 to move a very uncluttered 1 bedroom apartment in NYC. I was moving 6 blocks, and going from elevator building to elevator building. If I could have had someone else pack for $300 more, I probably would have done it.

            4. In Scotland, and I thought £1000 was a good deal for furniture to be disassembled, all belongings packed, and reassembled 20 miles away?

            5. Moving is expensive! I paid £200 for a van with three members of staff to load, move, and unload, and that was a steal. Reputable moving companies have good insurance, which is expensive.

            6. When I priced out a thousand-mile move, it was $4,500 for my studio apartment if I did all the packing and was willing to wait three weeks for my stuff to get there. I rented a Penske and bought my friends dinner in exchange for a total of 20 minutes of help. (Four of them are strong men.)

   2. They will pack basically the path in front of them. So to ease your unpacking, if you’re going from let’s say a 1BR condo to a 2-story house, it’s to your advantage to group the stuff that will be upstairs in New House together in Current Place.

      If there’s stuff you want to sell or donate, by all means do it now, or at least group it together so it’s in one or two boxes that you know don’t need to be unpacked right away.

      1. Oh that’s a good shout on levels! We’re getting rid of a decent amount of furniture so that’ll be out of the way (just have to wait until the weekend before so we’re not without a dining table and chairs :))

   3. While a purge isn’t necessary, you are paying them for the service so you don’t want them to waste paid time packing items you actually don’t need to take with you. Cull anything you don’t want to them to pack either into the garbage or out of the rooms they will pack. Like any expired products on the back of your kitchen shelf or the recycling bin contents.

      Pack like you are going on holiday for a week, then add medication/first aid kit, pet items, a small bag of key kid toys/books, jewelry, documents etc. Put that in the trunk of your car or other space outside the rooms they are packing.

   4. Oh and as to what to bring yourselves – in case of a moving snafu, I’d pack one box of basic linens (sheets for bed, towels, shower curtain), one box of basic cleaning supplies and paper products like TP, and one or two suitcases of clothes and toiletries – enough to see you through a long weekend. I also like to keep valuables with us (jewelry, silver).

      1. +a million. I’ve historically packed myself and then had the movers do the big/awkward stuff (lamps/framed pictures/etc.) but I would ALWAYS make sure you have your ‘first night’ boxes sorted and ready to go OR move them yourselves – enough clothes for 3-4 days, toiletries, linens for all beds, towels (kitchen and bath), coffee maker (or kettle)/mugs/a spoons/glasses. I would also move all sentimental photos, expensive jewelry, and anything you couldn’t bear to lose yourself.

   5. Take your last shower in the old place and get rid of the shower curtain liner! You do not want to open a random box a month later and be hit with the mildewy smell of an old liner packed up still damp. Ask me how I know.

   6. Yes, you leave everything, they pack it and move it. of course yes tidy before! They pack everything the way they find it. Any thing you don’t want packed needs to go- they will pack a pile of papers from the counter and everything stuck on your fridge. Pack nothing but sort through everything. (Exception- pack a suitcase with a few days of essentials and any valuables.)

   7. Great advice here, I’ll add that you might want to move anything that is delicate or you don’t want to get grubby, like work clothes or formal attire. The workers do a good job but I don’t think they wash their hands between packing, i.e., the dusty cleaning products under my sink and my clothes.

      Don’t leave anything on the countertops that you want with you, like that nice bottle of wine you set aside to have one final drink in your old place except whoops it got packed in a miscellaneous box and you won’t find it for 2 years.

   8. Pack your valuables, pack some clothes in a suitcase to tide you over, and pack anything you don’t want them to find. I say this because, well, I was at home the day my movers were packing my house, and was called into a bedroom to answer a question they had on packing some items there. I was talking to the man and noticed in my peripheral vision that there was a box on the bed, packed almost to the brim with folded clothes from my closet AAAAND the v*brator I had left on (discreetly) on a shelf and failed to make the connection that they would find it and pack it.
      Same with opened, dry goods: if you have opened boxes of food in the pantry, either finish them up, throw them out, or seal them now. My experience says the items will be packed, but not necessarily sealed. It makes a difference if you don’t get to that box to unpack for a while.
      So I echo the advice here: they will pack every. last. thing. in their path. That includes items you may not want strangers to be handling. Make your goodwill donations, pack your suitcase of clothes, seal and sort your pantry (why move expired food?), and pack your valuables, paperwork or otherwise.

      1. Also, if you have items you don’t want them to see at ALL, pack them beforehand. We had a big crew (six guys) packing multiple floors of a large house. In order to make our firearms safe easier to transport (due to weigh)t, we pulled all of the items out of it beforehand and stashed them under our bed. I’d told the crew chief to please wait before unpacking our master bedroom – because we’d planned to put our firearms in a box and move them with our own vehicles. (I didn’t tell him exactly why, just asked him to get the go ahead from one of us before they hit the master bedroom.)

         Moving being as chaotic as it is, I got called away to answer a question on the main floor while my husband was directing in the garage. I then headed upstairs to box up the firearms, not realizing the crew had already started in my bedroom…whereupon I walked in on one of the crew taking selfies with a not-inconsiderable pile of our guns. You can imagine both of our reactions when I walked into the room.

         He was fired on the spot and didn’t show up at the new place a few miles away, but I have no idea how many pictures of my personal items are out on someone’s phone because of that stunt.

         So yeah – “personal massagers”, firearms, jewelry, important papers, naughty pictures, collectible items…pack them up early in the morning or the night before. Anything you don’t want someone who isn’t close to you seeing? Get it ready and done early!

         1. Argh – we told the crew chief to wait before *packing our master bedroom, not unpacking. We unpacked everything ourselves at the new place. Rather, the husband and kids did, because two days after we moved in, I had major spinal surgery and wasn’t good for much other than snoozing on the couch (after 3 days in the hospital) and verbally directing folks where to put things.

   9. Military here and yes, they do everything! Don’t touch a thing but they will pack your full garbage cans!

   10. N.B. this is a good chance to go through your medications and your spices and dump the expired ones. (Spoiler alert: Most of them are expired.) I always think it’s nice to start with new ones in a new place.

       1. I thought most meds had made up expiration dates though (I realize the exceptions, like meds that degrade into something toxic, can be dramatic).

          1. Really? I hadn’t heard this, although I must say it doesn’t surprise me!

          2. Do your own research, but my NP sister told me that a study of long-expired medications found them largely intact, having lost no noticeable efficacy.

   11. Pack your valuables; move them yourself; and make sure you dont leave them unattended until the movers have gone from the new place (leave in car or garage or some place they wont go if you’re ok with that). A friend just went through an absolutely horrible situation where she moved her jewelry herself to the new place and carried her things into the bedroom, and the mover stole her late mother’s engagement ring while they were reassembling the furniture and she wasn’t in the room. I’ll never be ok leaving anything valuable unattended during a move again (even if its packed away). She was absolutely devastated.

   12. Like everyone else said, they’ll pack everything! My sister had hers pack a butter dish with butter still inside it.
       I assume you don’t have a full unpack service, so consider what you don’t want to unpack and purge now!
       I had a big move with packing service, and we left out: valuable papers, suitcase for each of us with clothes, special food for pets, a bucket of toys for our young kids, and various tools (this allowed us ease of take-down and put-back-together). Also any “special fun time” things. All of this I sequestered into one corner of one room, with painter’s tape around it as a “do not pack” zone. I would not worry about pre-packing anything else.

       1. And you didn’t mention, but if you’re moving somewhere slightly far, consider having things delivered for your move date or making a trip to the store when you first arrive (shower curtain, TP, pet needs – we had cat litter and boxes delivered and waiting for us). If you’re moving across town, obviously this isn’t as important, just move it there yourself when you get access to the new place!

8. Has anyone struggled (and overcame) not being attracted to your partner? My husband doesn’t work out or do anything to keep up his looks. Fine. I’m not judging. I’m not leaving him. I love him. But I’m struggling being physically attracted to him. He made a joke to me last night that he thought we would both be ‘letting ourselves go’ by now. I realized he’s in a different headspace with respect to physical attractiveness. He’s getting older, and it’s not just something he cares about. I’m ok with that, but I need to figure out a way to be attracted to him regardless of his looks.

   1. What is it that Kim Catrall’s Samantha character once said . . . all cats look the same in the dark? So true. So true.

      1. Ben Franklin. That was Ben Franklin.

         1. Heh gotta love Samantha, quoting Ben Franklin.

   2. Is some of it related to COVID isolation (i.e. not showering, shaving, wearing nice clothes)? If so, I think it’s completely reasonable to suggest that you both put more effort into showering/shaving/dressing up occasionally, even if it’s just for ordering dinner in or going on a walk. If it’s more about his weight, then I do think you need to tread more carefully. Can you take up a new hobby together?

   3. I’m not sure I understand the joke, but I wonder if he needs a physical to see if his A1C is what it should be, or if he snores in his sleep that may need checking out? If he feels 100% fine and just likes beer or something, that’s probably more about different headspace.

   4. This can be a tricky subject. For clothes, I have had success with going shopping together – guys tend to panic alone in the store but if you come with them, suddenly it seems easier. YMMV. On another note, while physical appearance is definitely a part of it, attraction is a lot about connection, at least for me – are you spending pleasant times together, laughing, trying new things, having deep conversations, whatever? Can you voice what you need in a positive way – instead of “I’m not that into you right now” could you say something like “hey it would be fun to dress up and order fancy takeout and wine like in our early days of dating” (or whatever works for you?).

      1. Agree with your last sentence. Try dating each other again in whatever form that takes for your pandemic experience. A nice bottle of wine and good takeout plus whatever outfit you would normally wear for date night. Will probably feel weird at first but who cares.
         If it’s a health/ weight issue, could you two take walks together daily? I find when my husband and I either go for a walk or jogging together, we relax and have some quality conversations.
         Also pre-baby we used to shower together pretty much every night. Sounds super weird and maybe that’s the only bit of personal space you get all day, but it was always so nice to unwind and talk about our day while showering. It was very intimate without being explicitly s*x intended.
         I can certainly empathize with OP from both sides of the relationship. My husband doesn’t even get out of pajama pants on some days. It’s a shocking day if I bother to put on mascara and forget about taming my hair in a way other than a ponytail. We aren’t exactly giving it 100% on our appearances lately and our s*x life shows it. We’ve become more like roommates, but it’s not a huge deal to me unless it’s a long term problem. He’s still a great partner. I just don’t want to jump him every night.

      2. +1 to attraction and time together. My husband has gone through fitter and fatter periods, and his attitude and our time together made a huge difference to attraction levels. He decided to get ridiculously shredded one spring, and he was hangry all the time. Our gardening tanked because he wasn’t in the mood because he didn’t have enough calories to enjoy it, and I wasn’t in the mood because he was grumpy all the time. In contrast, he got really into drinking and video games for a while, and I always felt like he chose the computer over me. It wasn’t about the weight gain, it was the fact that he didn’t come to bed until 2am and I was tired! Now that we have more balance and spend more quality time together, we’re much more attracted to each other. I will say that making an attempt to dress nice helps a lot. With covid, there’s been a lot of wearing the same t-shirt and basketball shorts three days in a row, and it’s not attractive. But when my husband changes into a shirt that I like because it matches his eyes, has a freshly-shaved face, and we cook dinner together, I find him much more attractive. The suggestions to dress up a little and do something together, even if it’s just sitting in your backyard or cooking a meal, help a lot.

      3. For me in the pandemic, it’s more about finding time *apart* than time together. We are around each other all. the. time. I’d find my husband hotter if I didn’t see him 24/7 for months on end.

         I love him. I’m grateful that we found each other. But damn I miss my space.

         1. This, exactly. Our COVID gardening life is … not good. We are amazing partners and roommates right now, but that isn’t translating to hot, romantic feelings. I need more separation to miss and appreciate him. Oh, yeah, and seeing him dressed up regularly helped things, too.

   5. I’m in the same place, for whatever it’s worth. It’s a bit frustrating especially because I do put in quite a bit of effort. Agree with you on everything. I love him, I’m not leaving him, but still struggling to be attracted.

      1. For me it’s not just about the physical decline. It’s about the lack of engagement with life that leads to the physical decline. It’s just not exciting to be around someone who no longer has any interests outside of work and lies around on the couch all the time watching the news.

         1. What else is he supposed to do? There’s a pandemic.

            1. +1

            2. Go for a run like he used to do all the time? Ride his bike? Not complain when I want to go hiking or camping? Read a book?

            3. Go for a walk, read a book, take a class (online), fix stuff in the house, visit a park, etc, etc…. the pandemic is not a reason to be a bump on a log.
               I’d have a hard time with any partner who became glued to the couch and TV, pandemic or not.

            4. Seriously? Draw, paint, go for a run, go mountain biking, kayak, rock climb, woodworking. The world hasn’t stopped dead, people just have to be a little more creative and explore new interests.

            5. This can’t be a serious post.

         2. That’s a different issue imo. Maybe you can take up a hobby together? Go for walks? Go to a local national or state park? Board games? Puzzles?

            1. This is definitely a different issue. If you’re not attracted to your partner’s personality, that’s very different from not being attracted to his variable grooming routine.

         3. Wow. Dude, it’s 2020. You don’t need to just accept your husband. You need to join him on the couch.

            1. This doesn’t seem quite fair to OP. One of my favorite things about my SO right now is his ability to get excited about the little things – going for a drive to see the foliage, walking the dog to the nearest coffee shop, cooking dinner, playing the guitar and singing… sure, we watch plenty of Netflix but I would be really sad if that was all we did together. Also, pre-pandemic, l was with someone who suddenly lost all interest in anything (including self care and gardening) due to severe depression. Could that be a factor here?

            2. That’s so depressing. We have at least a year before life gets back to normal. Spending the whole time on the couch sounds awful.

            3. A lot of us have spent the past 7 months on the couch and don’t really feel like doing it anymore. Nothing wrong with that.

         4. Same, it’s also the lack of pride for me. You only get one body so why not do your best to take care of it? Probably unfair, but it bothers me more when it’s a man because society has much lower standards for them–they pretty much just have to maintain basic hygiene and avoid obesity. I know not everyone cares and it’s tough if you marry young because most people look good at 20.

      2. I don’t think it is fair to hold each other to the same standards though. Sure, everyone should shower and brush their teeth and change out of PJs once in awhile. But looking at my own life, I married young and my husband has, in his thirties, turned into a fitness nut. He eats super healthy and does intense workouts daily no matter what.

         I have zero interest of doing 2 hours of intense cardio. I will watch what I eat some and make sure I move some every day but I’m not going to stress about the 15 pounds I’ve gained since my early 20s when we met.

         This is extra true for women whose bodies have changed after having kids. Would we have the similar response if this was a guy writing in asking the mom to care about her looks more?

         Also I HATE the suggestion to feign interest in working out together to get your partner to look better. It makes me stabby. If you want to invite your partner on a workout because you actually want to spend time together, great. But absolutely do not do it just to push them to lose weight. That’s gross.

         1. Ah my sympathies! I PRAY my fiance never turns into a fitness nut!! (That may sound like sarcasm, but I truly mean it…I would feel so much pressure/judgement to do the same.)

            For the OP, I know that men’s clothing has a HUGE impact on attractiveness, at least in my opinion. Could you tell your husband that you’d like to do something shopping together for him? I would suggest being gently honest with him that it would be really attractive to see him invest in caring for his appearance in this way. I think you could do the same thing regarding his haircut and/or facial hair. I agree that blaming his weight is a no-go.

         2. One of my work friends’ husband turned into a mansplainer of a fitness nut, as in he watched some you tubes about home workouts, bought a lot of crap, and worked out a handful of times.

            He stood there with his pot belly and told his wife that her cellulite made her thighs “unsightly.” Shockingly, they are still married. When she told me that I honestly felt I would have left him on the spot.

            1. OH my. That is horrible. I’ve don’t even know his name, but I loathe that guy haha. Your poor work friend.

            2. OH HECK NO you can’t say that nonsense. I know full well that sometimes I look terrible, especially after a few nights camping in the woods with no proper shower. I am under no illusions that I look lovely. But DH still tells me I’m beautiful, and if nothing else, it’s because he’s happy we can do a shared activity. And even if my hair is greasy and my eyes are puffy, it’s ok, because sharing a tent is something he likes.

               On a separate, humorous note: early in our relationship, DH and I were traveling in a foreign country and he saw a spa advertising some treatment to reduce cellulite. He didn’t know what cellulite was, so he asked me if I knew. When I explained it to him, he asked if I had cellulite, which I confirmed. It was actually adorable that he literally had no idea what it was.

   6. I don’t think you can outright tell him that you’re not attracted to him, but I think you can tell him that you were thinking about his joke about “letting yourselves go” and that it bothered you because you haven’t given up on being physically attractive to each other. It won’t be a miracle cure, but he is your spouse–he should at least be on notice this is an issue for you.

      1. Nah, if my partner isn’t attracted, I can easily find someone who is. This is a “you” problem.

         1. Yeah, based on all the singles posting here about how hard it is, I wouldn’t be so glib about this.

            1. +1

         2. Sorry, it’s more that I think you can’t really walk back an “I’m not attracted to you” conversation. And the OP has no desire to leave, so don’t alienate your partner.

      2. I agree with this. It isn’t about maintaining a specific standard, but it is reasonable to care about maintaining attraction within a relationship. My brother always jokes about how he doesn’t have to care how he looks anymore, since he’s married, and I wouldn’t appreciate that comment as his wife. I also didn’t find it funny when I was single: this idea that if you’re single, you have to work on your appearance; once you’re married, you can forget it. I don’t think either assumption is fair.

   7. No advice but commiseration. This is actually super common

   8. I am in the same boat, but frankly I think that’s work they should be doing instead of us. I’m tired of doing mental gymnastics so the man can sit on his duff and do absolutely nothing.

      My husband refuses to put even a minimum of effort into managing some minor issues he has, and expects me to think nothing of it because “love”. Like his psoriasis–he formerly used a prescription cream that totally cleared everything up, but decided it was “too much work” to constantly “rub girly lotion” on himself all the time. As if big chunks of his flesh falling off and blood all over the sheets constantly isn’t going to affect my attraction levels. You want to turn into a zombie, fine, but this ain’t a charity sex shop.

      1. Why is it always necessary for someone to conflate “doesn’t dress nicely or style his hair” with “doesn’t address basic hygiene issues”? Either help his get the mental health support he needs or just get a divorce if you hate him this much.

         1. Very strange that you jumped right to “hate”and “divorce”. I assume your significant other loves you in spite of your reading comprehension problems.

      2. This is ridiculous. Far too many men think there’s something girly about taking care of their health in basic ways.

      3. Same boat here. If it’s too much work to smear on a little cream so you are not a disgusting mess, then it’s too much work for me to overcome my revulsion.

      4. That’s disgusting and disrespectful to leave blood all over the sheets when he could do something about it.

      5. Wow, this is really neglectful and makes me question whether their is a manual health problem. It can’t be more convenient to have that constant irritation than it is to put on some cream.

         I actually had a friend who did this. She worked a job where constant hand washing was required but refused to use lotion. She’d get a scaly seasonal rash every year that required drs visits & time off work … but would not use the prescribed lotion or any type of cream … surely she enjoyed the attention.

         1. *mental health problem

         2. This could be a sensory issue rather than mental illness.

            1. Ah, this many years ago when I don’t think sensory issues were as recognized but also aren’t they often associated with mental health?

            2. I think sensory issues are more typically neurological than psychological. I’m not sure how “mental illness” is usually used though.

         3. Some dudes are just lazy and gross and it’s not because they have mental health problems, it’s because they are lazy and gross.

            1. +1

            2. Yep.

            3. IDK, maybe it is a mental health problem. For example, eating no vegetables is an eating disorder & not just being a real man who only eats meat & potatoes. It’s just that men … have so little expected of them that it starts too look normal.

   9. It’s one thing if your partner is having a problem like extremely flaky skin or rashes that are intrusive. It’s another if your partner’s face and body are inherently not that attractive. I don’t think people in the latter group are under any obligation to embark on extensive grooming, make-up, cosmetic procedures (including waxing, teeth, etc). That’s how they look and who they are and people aren’t perfect. Decide if you can live with it or not.

      1. I think there’s a wide chasm between the two though. Like working out on a regular basis, using sunscreen, making an effort with clothes.

      2. +1. Though I do think OP has decided she can live with it & is still seeking advice. The suggestion to work on emotional intimacy seems like a good one. I’d also make a mental list of things I do find attractive … he probably has the same eye color he’s always had that you’ve been looking into for years, for example, or touches you a certain way. And all the non-physical things that can tug at you like a good parenting moment, charming interaction with your family, a kindness to a stranger … how he yells at his coworker lol idk. But there’s more to attraction than looks when you love someone.

         For what it’s worth, I had the dreaded experience of being hospitalized & growing a mustache as I was too ill to attend to it … my husband still seems to be attracted & I’m gonna return the favor. That stuff really doesn’t matter. It’s a choice to care about it.

         1. Exactly. There are a few things about my husband’s appearance that (in my perfect dream world), I would alter. He could DEFINITELY find like ten or fifteen things to change about me (damn my 30s and that mustache – and when did my hair texture start getting so out of control?). Honestly, compared to most of you guys here, I’m a downright slob when it comes to routine maintenance. He’s still attracted and apparently makes the choice not to nitpick or pressure me to spend more time navel-gazing about my appearance. I love them about him and I choose to return the favor. I can be myself with him and he can be with me.

   10. Why don’t you tackle the lying around routine rather than focus on the result. Can you get out for regular neighborhood walks, plan short hikes, etc. so you are both out and about more and feeling more energetic?

       1. I agree with this but as I mentioned above, don’t make it about doing things to lose weight. That’s annoying and most people see right through it. Maybe do some board games or a house project or a painting or something. Even video games can be a great bonding experience without getting off the couch.

   11. Good greif- you ask a question about your own attitude, and get a bunch of questions about how to change your husband. Our society is ridiculous! I think I can answer the question you actually asked, because I feel the same way sometimes.

       As a relationship/overall adjustment, I find it’s important to spend time cuddling and laughing, just having intimate quiet time that isn’t gardening. It’s weird to me that I have to acknowledge watching TV as a valid activity, but I notice the difference in our intimacy when I take the time to just sit with him on the couch.

       But on the flipside, I absolutely can’t spend too much time in super close quarters. If we’ve just had a long drive together, I am way oversensitive to the physical turnoffs.

       As for actually making gardening better? Flattering light is nice- flickery candlelight or a steamy shower. And he really doesn’t seem to mind if I close my eyes sometimes. Pay attention to his attractive features that haven’t changed, like voice or eyes. And FWIW, this internet stranger thinks it’s ok to sometimes have sex even if you don’t really feel like it right then.

       1. I don’t think all of them are about changing the husband. I think the best advice is the stuff related to how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

   12. Lots of good ideas here! One other thought – I love my husband’s cologne and after shave but he doesn’t use it regularly. He actually did wear it today and it smelled so good! I know that some people are sensitive to smells but if you aren’t, you might want to find a scent that smells good to you and get some for him! Also very much agree about being close in the dark!

       1. Lol the positivity of this made me smile. Make him smell good and hang out in the dark. :)

          1. Haha yep!

   13. Would he be open to updating his athleisure? My husband and I gave ourselves a budget to buy new WFH clothes. We feel much better in fitted, nice, casual stuff. It is still sweatpants and a sweater but they are new, good quality, fitted for our body type, etc.

       1. Do you think working on the relationship itself would help? It’s possible that this is a spillover effect from not feeling super connected/ engaged in the relationship…particularly hard now with the COVID stuff. I just read The Relationship Cure and it’s been really useful, I didn’t realize how I might be shutting down connection through ignoring bids.

9. So I was informed at a recent dentist visit that I have receding gums, which is apparently irreversible (and sometimes painful). I need to learn how to brush properly as a first step (“let the electric toothbrush do the work”). I’m admittedly overly anxious about this. Does anyone have a particular toothbrush recommendation or other tips for dealing with this?

   1. Sonicare.

      1. +1 this is what my dentist recommends.

   2. I hadn’t heard that this was irreversible. Maybe it depends on the cause; I think teeth clenching and grinding is the major cause for me.

      1. It’s definitely not irreversible. Get thee to a periodontist and get a second opinion and also some better treatment/maintenance options.

   3. I’ve been told at every visit for the past ten years or so that I have receding gums. It has not been painful, my teeth haven’t fallen out, I have had no gum disease, and no other terrible ill has befallen me and my receding gums. You’d think by this point they’d have receded back into my sinus cavity but nope, all is well.

      1. Haha same, they mention it at every visit. Next time I should ask if it’s actually gotten worse or is staying the same.

   4. Also lighten up (pressure-wise) on the brushing. I have a tendency to press too hard when brushing, which is not great for the gums. My dentist also recommends diligent flossing for receding gums. I’ve had some recession for years and have at the very least kept it from becoming worse with good flossing and brushing habits. And in normal times I go to the dentist about every 6 months, but I’ve skipped an appointment because of COVID.

   5. My SO has receding gums and uses a sonicare with a “gum health” brush head. He also recently had a consultation with a periodontist, they can take tissue from other parts of your mouth and turn it into gums. Its expensive and painful, but worth it apparently. Maybe that won’t end up being an option for you but you might want to look into it down the road.

   6. Fellow gum-receder here! There are LOTS of things that can cause it, including braces, tooth grinding/clenching, and brushing too hard/using a harder toothbrush. Switch to an electric toothbrush if you haven’t already (I use an Oral-B model, Sonicare is also very good). Be gentle when you floss, too! I use a toothpaste specifically for gum health – it doesn’t cure the receding, of course, but it helps keep my gums healthy overall.

      Receding gums can become painful when they expose sensitive parts of your teeth, and you can also run into issues with root damage and bone loss (this doesn’t happen overnight, however). Your dentist should refer you to a periodontist to discuss interventions. I’ve had a gum graft done over a badly-recessed spot – the surgery itself wasn’t too bad, but the healing was a bit of a hassle.

   7. I have receding gums due to adult braces that were on too long (stubborn teeth that wouldn’t move; apparently that constant tension on the teeth wears down the gums).

      My orthodontist and dentist both specifically said that for gum recession you need to use a rotating brush like the Oral-B, not a back-and-forth version like Sonicare. They also recommended water flossing rather than regular flossing; I’ve purchased a Waterpik but haven’t started using it yet.

      I wear my Essix retainers every night both for alignment retention and for protection from grinding. My orthodontist made a special “heavy duty” set of retainers that stand up to grinding better, both in increased thickness and in texture (spongy with some “give” versus the regular thin hard kind).

   8. Is it everywhere? For me it’s mostly in my back molar where I can’t reach very well when I brush (and I do use an electric toothbrush, the Philips Sonicare) so I supplement my brushing with a smaller end tuft brush.

   9. I have this too and have been meaning to post asking whether Crest white strips are safe. Anyone know?

      1. Not sure about Crest, but I use Opalescence and also have some receding gums and the dentist never said it was a problem. YMMV

   10. I also have receding gums, bottom/very front teeth. I basically interrogated my dentist with probing questions and concluded that it is inevitable that I will need a gum graft at some point, so until then it is maintenance via gentle brushing with my sonicare and flossing. Mine is caused from brushing too hard. I may try to get a jump on the gum graft during the pandemic because WFH will make it easier to deal with generally.

       1. Get a dentist who knows what they’re doing, and see a periodontist if you have concerns. I listened to my first dentist who told me it was part of aging, and not to worry despite a worsening situation. I finally got another opinion when I just could not take the pain any more. I found a great dentist who developed a plan to include periodontics, and orthodontics (invisalign). I got gum grafts on two sides of my mouth which was absolutely awful, but necessary given the extent of the issue. That was followed with invisalign braces to correct some of the causes of the clenching. I now use a night guard every night and brush several times a day (no kidding) with flossing twice a day. Yes that level of dental hygiene is a bit excessive, but I will do almost anything not to have to repeat what I’ve already gone through. The gum recession has stopped progressing and my teeth look pretty good. The pain is gone. My checkups are great. My point is get a good dentist and trust your instincts. If you need a second opinion, get it before the situation gets worse than it needs to be.

   11. I was told to avoid whitening toothpaste, apparently something in the toothpaste isn’t great for your gums. I use sensodyne.

       I went to a periodontist who said I didn’t need surgery but lets me come back for annual cleanings. Highly recommend! The hygienists I’ve had at the periodontist’s office are phenomenal, they see a lot of people with receding gums and really know what they’re doing. My teeth have never felt so clean.

   12. I have receding gums and good oral hygiene with no gum problems. They told me that some gum recession is just part of getting older. I just continue with my electric toothbrush – I like the entry level Oral B, which I can usually find on sale for $40-$45 – and I like to use those little flossing sticks fairly often in my new-found pockets between teeth where my mouth decides to store snacks for later.

10. Remind me which pillows work best for side sleepers? My arms, neck, and shoulders ache when I wake up because I am scrunched up all night with my arms and hands under my head. U-pillow, Wamsutta extra firm? There are so many options! I had no idea!

    1. I’m a side sleeper. My head is on an extra firm plump pillow, and I “hug” a king-size pillow between legs and arms.

    2. Anything thick enough to fill the space between your shoulder and your head, and firm enough that your head isn’t going to just squash into it and put your neck at an angle. There are some memory foam pillows specifically designed for side sleeping, but in general you’re looking for a firm or medium-firm pillow that has a good amount of loft. Don’t get a down pillow, since those squash too easily/won’t support your head.

    3. I use the oxygen pillow, and I had it fitted to my shoulder/neck/head size at an expensive mattress store.

    4. Contour pillow that cradles your neck.

    5. My husband has always been a side sleeper, and he has converted me to one over the years. We both just got new pillows because ours weren’t working for us. I got one from a company called Layr, which comes with 3 different inserts of varying firmness. You can mix and match which ones work for you. My husband got one from Nest bedding, that has the memory foam fluff inside, and you can adjust the firmness by just opening it up and pulling the fluff out.

       We bought the two different ones to try them both out, and fully expected that we’d be returning one or both of them, but we both really like them. You want to keep your head up high enough that it’s aligned with your spine, but not have it feel like it’s being propped up at too high an angle. Generally you need a firmer and taller pillow (and a softer mattress) than a non-side sleeper.

11. Looking for recommendations for fleece tights for tall ladies. I find that most are too short in the leg and too large in the belly. Does anyone make tall sizes in solid black fleece tights?

    1. Hue tights in size 2 (120-170 lbs, 5’3-6’0) work perfectly for my 5’8 self.

       1. +1 on Hue. It’s my go-to brand. I’m 5’10”.

       2. Thanks – do you mean the super opaque ones? I can’t find any fleece ones.

          1. I think I got mine at Nordstrom Rack, but looking online I see a ‘Heat Temp’ line that look quite cozy.

    2. Long Tall Sally used to have them but it looks like not anymore.

    3. LL Bean!

    4. To clarify, I’m looking for ones with feet. To wear with my dresses at my casual office. Not the leggings/footless kind.

    5. I really like the Berkshire Cozy Hose Fleece Tights. Their tall is only meant for up to 5’10” unfortunately, but could be worth a look!

    6. Spanx does. They come very tall (I have a 34″ inseam). Hue is like mid-thigh cr*tch on me–way too short. You have to hunt for the spanx ones, but they exist, and they’re not too spanx-y.

       Also recommend Marks & Spencer from the UK–they ship to the US and they generally have higher denier and fleece tights.

12. DH works at a company where you earn a 6-week vacation after being with the company for X years, and he is now in the window where he needs to use it or lose it (by summer of 2021). He’s been looking forward to this for years, so we’re trying to consider the best plan to take advantage of this during covid times. The ideal situation would be a month-long stay in a house on the beach where you can’t see neighbors or a resort-style place where we have our own space. I think a resort is preferable to an air bnb situation internationally, but it would need to be very socially distant for us to be comfortable. Assuming we can get past our covid insecurities of getting there (this is a big if), is there anywhere you’d recommend? We’re tentatively considering January/February and want warm weather. TIA!

    1. January/February seems super optimistic given the current status. I’d be inclined towards Puerto Rico for next fall. Might have a vaccine available by then plus less likely to be stuck dealing with travel restrictions if US territory. If you want to go sooner, you’ll have to keep a close eye on travel restrictions and be prepared to cancel last minute.

    2. I love Turks & Caicos for this. Especially if you get off of Grace Bay Beach, and ideally off of Providenciales, you can find houses that are not super close (not like east coast beach close, at least) to each other, and the beaches are really empty. You need to bring your own stuff obviously if you’re not at a resort, but you currently can enter with a negative COVID test. There are no deep water ports in the whole island so it’s more remote and there are no cruise ships (not that there would be any during COVID times). Even when I went pre-COVID, it would have been pretty easy to socially distance. It’s also just GORGEOUS. I’ve stayed in an AirBNB multiple times and never had issues.

    3. I wouldn’t write off Airbnb for this. That seems like the ideal way to get a house and pool to yourselves for a month, rather than having to deal with resort staff, limited pool capacity, and the like. The key is checking out the host (careful messaging with specific questions), choosing a place that’s clearly managed as a rental rather than someone’s normal home, and finding it on Google Maps (things like scoping out the shape of the exterior, shingle color, pool shape, comparing the views that you can see from interior windows, and – if you’re lucky – seeing the house number in photos of the front). We also now only choose places with flexible cancellation (“for any reason”) until shortly before travel, like a week, so that we don’t have to fuss to get our money back in case of our own illness or gov’t restrictions.

       So speaking of that – the main risk with international (or domestic island travel like the USVI) vs domestic mainland travel is border closures or short term rental restrictions. If you’re on an island somewhere it could be a scramble to either get home, or extend your stay past the restriction if feasible. If things shut down while you’re on the mainland at least you know you could get home.

       Jan-Feb is high season for Florida rentals (you’d want very south Florida and ideally the Gulf side, like Naples area) but perhaps prices will be softer this year. And if you’re staying for 4-6 weeks you could drive rather than fly. Some people will act as if you’re automatically going to catch Covid if you go to Florida… but 8 extended family members live there full time (ranging in age from school kids to grandparents), and none of them have caught it because they are listening to science.

    4. I wouldn’t do anything international or on an island where you might be subject to restrictions coming home. Just go to Florida or something because they don’t really care what you do. Haven’t been much but I hear the Keys are nice.

    5. Surely the company realizes that some people won’t feel comfortable taking a big vacation before they “lose” it?! I’d see if he can get any flexibility on that front first, honestly. Or, will they let him request the time off for a later date as long as he does it by the summer?

       1. He’s been eligible since this spring so we are stretching it as is by pushing to spring/summer 2021. My understanding is that there’s some flexibility on the “when,” but they won’t let you break it up into smaller breaks (say, three two week trips). I think the latest we could push is to fall of 2021.

          1. Ah, darn. Well I hope you get to enjoy it somehow or other.

          2. I would definitely push it to next fall, they should be okay with that given that travel is basically not recommended now.

    6. i am sorry that this came up for your DH during the pandemic. my DH’s company has a similar thing and I am sure this is very disappointing. i would probably stay domestic and consider florida or southern california. just g-d forbid you got sick, i think you would want access to good medical care

    7. Hawaii has reopened to tourists. It has never been high on my travel list so I don’t know if there are particular weather concerns during your travel timeframe, but in light of the pandemic, it could very well work.

       1. Oh yes, do Hawaii. Get a house or a condo. There are so many. I like the island of Kauai.

    8. I thought the US territory islands were still considered the US for passport purposes. If the gov’t can’t restrict travel between the states (but can require quarantine) can they actually restrict entry for people in PR or USVI?

       1. They don’t restrict entry, but the USVI banned short term rentals in spring and again August-September. So you can get there but you wouldn’t have anywhere to stay.

          1. Unless you have the bucks to hole up at the buccaneer or carambola on st. Croix for a while. I have fond memories of that island.

    9. What about Palm Springs? It’s domestic so you don’t need to worry about international travel restrictions and there is lots of rental housing. Book soon, though, a lot of folks from LA are WFH from there.

    10. I expect that countries will start reimposing lockdowns (Ireland just did) or travel restrictions, so I would not make international travel plans. There are too many unknowns.

        I personally love the Florida keys for a low key vacation. DH and I rented a house in the Marathon area. Directly on the shore; we had our own pier. The middle keys are low key and quiet, and you can drive to Key West for more action. Or you can rent a place in Key West.

    11. International probably isn’t realistic, but Hawaii’s dropping their quarantine requirement IF you have a negative Covid test from their approved provider list, so I’d consider Hawaii. I love Vieques in PR and would normally recommend that, but I don’t know how well it’s recovered post-Maria/COVID, and if you did get sick while there, it’s not where I would want to be. There’s always Florida. (For what it’s worth, the Keys are gorgeous, except they don’t actually have a lot of beaches, so if you’re considering Florida, I probably wouldn’t stay in the Keys for a month).

        1. I used to travel to Boca Raton for business several times a year, and February was always the nicest weather. I would stay in Delray Beach.

    12. South Florida or Hawaii seem like your best options for warm weather. Dorado Beach in Puerto Rico is also very nice.

        Weather in Southern CA in January/February can definitely be hit or miss. You could end up with beach weather, but you are much more likely to end up with low-mid 60s.

        1. I grew up in Southern CA and even if you have beach weather in January/February the water will be COLD (like low 60s, maybe high 50s). East coasters are always surprised that even in August the water is still pretty cold (best you can hope for is low 70s)

    13. Tranquility Bay Resort in Marathon, FL. It is in the Keys, has a small, private beach and the accommodations include individual beach houses. The houses might be closer together than you’d like, but the set up gives you the privacy and advantages of a house (your own kitchen, private patio/balcony, no shared hallways) along with the benefits of a resort (small beach, pool, housekeeping). I stayed there during the high season and it was not crowded at all. There are other beaches nearby if you want to explore the area too.

    14. I’m going to say something revolutionary … hold on to your hats … staycation!! Enjoy your home, cook, entertain each other, do the available local outdoor things.

        1. To each their own, but ugh, no freaking way. Staycations are barely memorable in the best of times, but during a pandemic, it’s just more of the same thing we’ve been doing since March. Do NOT blow a six-week vacation on that!!

           1. Hm, I read that as he’ll get six weeks a year going forward. So there’s always next year.

              I’d free myself from any pandemic travel worries and double down on enjoying my life. Vacation budget can pay for fancy eats and home comforts, etc. All the free and worry-free time with my family is the real luxury. Place doesn’t matter that much, or maybe home can be upgraded if it isn’t up to par.

              1. This sounds like a one-off treat to me. Most companies do not have employees taking 1.5-month long vacations annually. 6 weeks of vacation to use over course of the year, sure.

    15. Are you guys skiers? I would rent a condo or house on a resort and get a season pass for the year. Many resorts have good COVID plan in place and priority goes to those with season passes. Ski in and ski out and you avoid the lodge all together. You can also snow shoe, cross country ski, ice skate, go on a scenic drive, get take out. So many options in a cute mountain town!

13. I wish I could post photos, but what would you do in an area that has a low ceiling? My house is a converted bungalow, so with the slanted ceilings I have floor space that I don’t know what to do with. Space 1 is this open area at the top of the stairs, the wall meets the ceiling at 2-ish feet. Space 2 is a spare bedroom where the side wall meets the ceiling at 3 feet. I think both areas look unfinished but not sure if adding things we don’t need just adds clutter.

    1. Storage, such as a low bookshelf, or seating, or a tall plant.

       1. +1 – this seems like the ideal place to try to add a built in bookcase/shelving. In the bedroom can you make it more of a bookcase with storage – like doors that open out or lift up? I don’t think anyone would mind more storage.

    2. I have one room with walls like this, but the ceiling meets the floor at more like 3.5 feet. I have short bookcases along those walls and they look quite nice. A short dresser or cabinet would work too.

       The 2-foot wall is pretty short for furniture. I’d probably try a large storage basket or some plants, or the kiddie rocking chair my teenager refuses to part with.

       1. I’m going to try a bookshelf and some plants!

    3. Space 1, I would leave alone; 2 feet is like knee high. Space 2 — I think a low bookshelf along the whole wall (maybe built in) would look lovely.

    4. Maybe space 1 could use a fun rug to draw the eye away from the weird wall? IDK, my sister’s an interior designer but I did not get that gene.

       1. It’s all carpeted unfortunately. I had shoe racks there, but they work much better downstairs convenience wise.

          1. Ah, darn.

    5. Don’t add anything that you don’t really need or that you can’t use, but I’ve seen low bookshelves in those spaces before or low dressers that can store extra sheets.

    6. Not entirely responsive to your question, but, if a mini-Reno is an option, consider adding drawers. I had a 1924 bungalow in which the bedrooms which were upstairs with the slanting ceiling at the sides had a stack of great big, deep drawers built into that short bit of wall. They were faced to match the paneling and were not visually obtrusive. They were totally awesome. You could do a hidden cabinet as well.

14. Are there any major changes you’ve made in your life that have had a significant impact on your wellbeing? I’m not talking about the occasional bubble bath or taking a staycation, but a huge change to your routine and/or mindset that affects your life every day. As we go into winter, I thought it could be fun for us to share the things that have had the biggest impact.

    Mine is definitely working from home. Even though WFH during a pandemic isn’t like WFH the rest of the time, it has changed everything for me. I’m no longer waking up absurdly early and starting the day exhausted and rushing to make the bus and spending 2+ hours a day commuting (and that’s if there are no delays). I’m more productive and killing it on my projects. I don’t have to wear uncomfortable clothing and do as much laundry. I exercise more and have more time for my hobbies. I have more quality, non-exhausted time with my husband and cat. I used to struggle with background noise in the office while on conference calls and that’s gone overnight; I also don’t have to hunt down a quiet space in our cramped office to make personal phone calls that I can’t make from my cube. I don’t have to be self-conscious about using the tiny two-stall bathroom at work (thanks, IBS). Most importantly, I get sick so much less! Seriously, it has all been completely transformative. My health and wellness have improved dramatically, even with all the other stress I’m facing from the pandemic, and I never realized before just how much the commute and office life exhausted me (I knew it wasn’t great, but not that the change would be this dramatic).

    1. I took up ballroom dancing- one class just for fun and now 2.5 years later I’m at the studio 5 days a week and doing my first competition this weekend (via Zoom #2020). It has given me so much joy- literally matters to no one except me, it’s something I work really hard to improve at, it doesn’t care about my job or that I’m single or that I’m overweight. It’s pure joy just for me. I never understood people who were really into hobbies but turns out I just hadn’t found the right one.

       1. Yes!! I’m really starting to think that hobbies that take up a ton of time are the secret to happiness (if you are able, of course). When I look at my family members, the ones who have devoted thousands of hours and dollars to things like skiing or horses are really happy with their free time. They certainly never call it a waste of money or time.

       2. That’s fantastic! Good luck with the competition!

          1. Thank you!

    2. Treating the weekends as adventure/travel/fun time, not errand and chore time. There’s nothing worse than wasting one of my 52 Saturdays per year on a run to the dry cleaners and the grocery store as the main “event” followed by puttering around the house. It took me a while to figure out that treating weekends as an afterthought was making me miserable and that without planning, I was defaulting to doing nothing. I would sometimes decline to drive an hour to a cool adventure because it was “too far,” but then I would waste the same amount of time or more on Instagram.

       1. +1
          I need lots of downtime though, so sometimes my plan is to hang around at home and read and do nothing — but then I make sure I actually sit on the couch with a cup of tea and read, not scroll on the phone. With WFH, I’m more easily able to take care of random errands and laundry during the week.

          1. +1 Some of the best weekends this year involve listening to records and reading.

    3. This is a shift of both mindset and habit but for me, really embracing simplicity — being okay that dinner is a can of soup and some cut-up fruit, or going to the same playground with my daughter twice in a weekend instead of planning some elaborate outing. It has given me back so much time and let me be more present to just enjoy the moment, my family, and my pleasant neighborhood.

    4. Are you me? I changed jobs and moved to a different city altogether so my commute would’ve been great (10 minutes) anyway, but not having to get dressed and pack lunch also gives me back so much time. I also have bad public bathroom anxiety. So bad that one my recurring nightmares is not finding one, not finding a clean one, or not finding one with a door. Staying home and using my own in privacy has led to a huge improvement in my digestive health. I hope they’ll continue letting us WFH at least part-time after this is over.

    5. WFH was amazing. Now that I’ve been forced back to the office, I’m super bitter about my quality of life declining again. At home I got an extra two hours of sleep, I lost weight because I didn’t shovel food and hot drinks all day to cope with the miserable shivering cold, I could easily handle problems with my dad’s dementia care over the phone, I could eat food fresh from the fridge (or piping hot) instead of a sad limp sandwich that rotted for five hours since it was made.

       This has convinced me to step up the job search and find a fully-remote position. I saw the light, and I’m not going back.

       1. Omg, I forgot to put the miserable shivering cold into my original post! Another thing that went away overnight…

       2. YES. You said it. I totally gained weight commuting as a reaction to always being miserable and cold. I never saw it that way before, but it’s so true.

          I never want to commute or work in an office again.

       3. This is all so true. I have spent years of my life cold, shivering, and eating crummy lunches. Haven’t lost any weight at home, though. :/

    6. I got fired, then got a new job, about 4 years ago. My previous job was a really bad fit, and I was constantly stressed out. I spent 6 months unemployed but not looking that hard, and it gave me an opportunity to reset. I lost 30 lbs during that time and have kept most of it off. I have also stopped grinding my teeth, no longer have headaches every morning, and was able to stop taking anti-anxiety meds (under my doctor’s supervision). Also, I’m not WFH, but my new job is located in the suburbs near my house, so I don’t have a long commute or daily parking drama, and I can go home or run errands during lunch.

       Also, I had a baby. I’m not sure which way that cuts, but it’s definitely a huge change to my routine and mindset that affects my life everyday.

    7. Not travelling every other week has been amazing. I am not jet lagged, have not spent every other week trying to eat the least fried option on the menu, and have been getting sick a lot less.

       1. This is the biggest change for me. I was a 25-75% traveler depending on the time of year. I was used to it, knew all the tricks, kept track of my miles and points religiously. And then it all came to a crashing halt.

          It was almost like losing part of my identity. I still have airport dreams all the time, like I forgot I needed to be at the airport and I’m going to miss my flight if I don’t hurry.

          But mostly, I’m surprised at how much I’ve adapted to being at home. And now traveling that much doesn’t seem like anything I want to do ever again.

          What do do with my 900,000 United miles though…..

          1. Ha to airport dreams! I never traveled for work as much as you did but I have a “I’m gonna miss my flight” dream at least twice a month.

       2. Omg +a million to ‘trying to eat the least fried thing on the menu’. I will say that when my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday even he stopped and then said ‘I’m sorry, I know what you probably want is a weekend away, I know you miss travel’.
          Yes, constant business travel is exhausting, but man, room service dinner, a fluffy hotel bed, a bath, and a space I am not in charge of cleaning sounds like heaven right now.

    8. Getting a dog. I had grown up with dogs, but as an adult, I felt I didn’t have enough time for a dog. I kind of fell into my first dog by accident. It was like falling in love. The changes I had to make to ensure a good life for my dog? Totally worth it. That particular dog is long gone, but I have owned two dogs virtually all the time since then, all rescues, and I hope never to be without one. My dogs take me outside of my head, make me laugh, motivate me to go outdoors more, calm me down and always think I am good company. So worth it, for me.

       1. My dog is hugely important to my mental and emotional health as well, both by way of forcing me to exercise with him (which also improves my sleep!) and by way of being a dog.

       2. +1 – dogs are amazing

    9. Treating exercise, mobility and movement as the gift that it is. I “get” to do this workout and take this yoga class. My body lets me do this I’m so lucky that I have this body. I’m probably the “fitness nut” that people are complaining about above, but I’m so much happier since I’ve changed this mindset. Luckily DH and I are aligned that is this an important part of our life together.

       Getting a dog. The literal best. Such a special kind of love.

       Outsourcing cleaning. Will never go back. I always say that my cleaning service is the literal last budget item I will ever cut – dining out, vacation, travel, clothing – all of that would go before the cleaning service. This goes to spending weekends on joyful activities instead of errands.

    10. Yes to everything you said! I love WFH. I love not commuting. I love being able to fry a couple of eggs for an easy, cheap, simple breakfast 30 seconds away from my computer. And yes, I have not gotten sick once since the pandemic, when pre-pandemic I always assumed I’d get at least a couple of bad colds from commuting/office exposure.

        Other things that make a difference:

        Daily yoga. Even if it’s just a quick 10 min flow. Starting my day with yoga has made a huge difference in my mental and physical wellbeing.

        Being active regularly. I work out 4-5 days a week, but even on the days I don’t officially “work out” with a run, cardio dance, weights, or HIIT, I still do yoga and walk at least an hour.

        Embracing walking as a social activity. This is even more so during the pandemic since it’s one of the only ways to get together with a friend, but I used to do it before and always enjoyed it. Something about getting the blood flowing and also not having to constantly look at each other (kind of like being in a car together) takes the pressure off and is conducive to better conversations!

        Standing desk! You don’t even have to buy one. I just prop my computer and second monitor up on a bunch of photo albums on my kitchen counter. I wear indoor sneakers (the ones I only wear in the house) for support. Feels so good. I’m not sure how I’ll ever go back to the office because it just can’t compete with my at-home setup.

    11. I stopped pursuing an academic research career, and found a position that is a better fit for me, has stability, a better work-life balance now AND decent chances for advancement and fulfilling work. If I hadn’t made this pivot at the beginning of the year, I don’t think my mental health would be where it is now.

    12. Getting a cat. I adopted an 8 week old kitten a few years ago, and I’m all he knows. As a result, he’s extremely affectionate, cuddly, and tuned into my emotions. He’s my cat soulmate. I live alone and I don’t know what I would do without him. I adopted an adult female a couple years later as a companion for him, and while I love her the same, she is very independent and not cuddly. Which is totally fine with me, although she has been coming around recently. I went through a serious bout of depression where I contemplated suicide several times, but I always thought “I can’t leave _______ and ________.” They have quite literally saved my life.

        1. Yay! As a fellow cat lover, so glad to hear this!

    13. Along the lines of some PPs re exercise… I started trail running. Like dirt, rocks, single track trails with stream crossings trails. I’m extremely lucky bc I can do this without getting in the car, and when I do get in the car a 5-10 min drive nets me all kind of options.
        I was always a gym bunny, treadmill runner, who would only run outside if it was 65, sunny, windless, and downhill both ways lol.
        The benefits for me are less about the physical and more about the mental. Since I have to look for every rock and root and crevice, I can very easily fall into a meditative state where I just AM. A 30-40 min early morning run really clears my head and I can feel the difference all day long, and I can tell that my head just isn’t quite in the same place on the days when I don’t run.
        Also, mentally, the trail aspect means that I cannot be focused on how fast (or slow!) I am going. I have let go of all expectations in that regard and it’s freed me up to run (okaaaay jog) some much longer distances than I ever would have thought possible.
        It also is the only place I have where the family doesn’t want to accompany me. Regardless of what you might hear, the pandemic has not been universally awesome for introverts.
        People aren’t kidding, the runners zen state is a real thing and I am totally addicted but only if it’s off-road, apparently.

        1. Oh, I love this. And you’ve inspired me to leave my neighborhood and get on a trail, soon.

           And I 100% hear you on the pandemic NOT being heaven for introverts. I love my family dearly, but I am craving alone time so much.

           1. Same. I would dearly love to book a weekend hotel stay all by myself.

    14. Yes!! I’ve lost 30 lbs since the pandemic started because I’m not stress-eating all the delicious treats constantly available in the office (WW FTW). I exercise nearly every day since I don’t have a 2 hour commute. I get to try fun, new recipes for dinner since I can run to the grocery store any time and scan pinterest and my favorite physical cookbooks any time. My sweet dogs don’t have to be crated all day. I GET TO SEE THE SUN!!

    15. This isn’t recent, but about 15 years ago I was lucky enough to be able to give up 15-mile commute, which could take as much as 90 minutes on a trafficky day, and started working in the town where I live. It was completely life-changing and I’d never go back to having a long commute.

        Also, I had weight loss surgery ten years ago and that was a game changer. I still have to eat mindfully and exercise, but at least it leveled the playing field and made it possible for me to maintain a weight I am comfortable with.

        And running away from home and my bad husband seven years ago was the very best major life change I ever made.

    16. I started walking to work. I’ve been working here a year and a half and was mostly driving during that time even though it’s only a 15 minute walk (I KNOW). My previous commute had been a 5 minute walk and I guess those extra 10 minutes were too hard for me. But actually doing it has been such a good change in my life. I walk by some very scenic nature and the physical and mental benefits of moving and being outside are really game changers. I walk home for lunch, too, so it’s 60 minutes of walking each day when I otherwise would have very little.

    17. Leaving my large regional firm for a much smaller firm– massive improvement in quality of life. Not sickly stressed over billables and having to have four new goals each quarter that I had to accomplish in addition to working 60-80 hrs a week. I can see my family and have hobbies. This was a big ego situation for me and I had to have a massive change in mindset to accept that I was happier in a smaller firm. I still sometimes dream about going back to a big firm (and I have a skillset where this would be possible), but I just don’t know if I could go back to that stressful environment.

        Also when everything shut down in the spring I started going on daily walks and taking pictures of all the flowers I see. I love it. It has sort of trained me to look for beauty. And also helped me understand that I can go outside all the times of the year, not just when the weather is perfect (I’m what you might call “indoorsy”).

        1. Ha, my husband once referred to himself as an “avid indoorsman.” Made me lol. Luckily he’s open and willing to try plenty of outdoorsy things with me!

15. I make partner in January. No guaranteed income (eat what you kill), my draw will be set at 70k/year so I have regular checks. Quarterly true ups. Anything you wish you would’ve known or done differently?

    1. If you don’t have an accountant, get one. Plan for income taxes. Learn the difference between income and cash flow if you don’t already re income taxes. Sit back every few months and evaluate if you like the risk reward balance of an eat what you oil environment.

    2. If things tank, do you have to pay money back in if you don’t “earn” your quarterly portion of your $70k? I don’t know how much your business ebbs and flows. I’m not a partner but I have a bonus structure based on my receivables and the middle of the year is always dismal for me. I settle many more cases and get the majority of my money the last and first three months of the year. I’d hate a system where I’d be paying in the two middle quarters but getting back the first and last quarter. Better to know ahead of time though so you have funds set aside if you did need to do that.

    3. Seconding the advice about a good accountant. My DH is a partner at a eat what you kill firm and our accountant really badly underestimated our taxes for each quarter, such that we ended up owing high five figures when we specifically wanted to avoid that scenario. I also find the whole eat what you kill system really stressful during down times, but my DH doesn’t mind it. I wish he were part of a traditional profit sharing partnership like most biglaw firms.

    4. I’m a non-law commission only/eat what you kill person in finance with no draw (started at $100k, but just had it pulled after my initial three year ramp up period). My paydays are generally large – anywhere from $25k to $200k at a time, but it’s the living in between those fun paydays took a lot of mental recalibrating from steady paycheck former life.

       My top advice is to get an accountant and save, save, save, especially in that first in that first year. You need an typical emergency fund but also a cash flow slush fund to bridge the time between commission checks (and especially if they’re as lumpy as mine). This year I went 9 months with no income (thanks, COVID!). I also hired a financial advisor who is more of a money therapist. I had to completely rethink my cash flow system. I now think on an annual basis vs. monthly, (and sometimes annual isn’t even the right way – see: 2020 and COVID. ugh). Despite being in finance, I had a major mental block on how to manage the day to day. Historically I had a big pot of “savings”, which included emergency fund cash, that I rarely drew on. It was for big renos, down payments and other major things like that, but was generally a “do not touch this ever” account. This has now morphed and become a sinking fund of sorts to bridge the no or low-income months between the big windfall commission checks.

       I frankly really like this comp structure. I’m in control of a lot. I also just lived through what I hope is one of the worst downturns/gaps in my income that I’ll experience and I’m still standing. Even in 08/09 the worst any of my partners went without income was 14 months. Oddly, it doesn’t sound so scary having survived this year. Financial conservatism early is important so you’re well cushioned for times like these. Good luck to you!

    5. If possible, see if you can find a CPA that several of your partners use so that person will already be familiar with how your firm does things.

16. I’m probably about a year out from looking to leave my job (obviously covid, etc dependent). I’m not really sure what kind of work I want to transition to. I love my field and want to stay in the field but I don’t love my current subject matter and would like to pivot.

    With this 6-18 month window how would you recommend a) going about figuring out what I want to do next and b) putting together a plan to make that happen. I don’t yet have a masters but would like one, so starting school part time can be part of that plan.

    1. This depends on your age, current occupation, current city, and long-term goals.

       1. I’m mid 20s in a major east coast city working in government. I would like to stay in my sub field of government but perhaps transfer to the federal government

17. Shoot! I love the Sandro look (kind of 80’s, kind of slouchy) and wish they made things in a size 12. It all feels very “Emily in Paris” to me- the writing and characters were truly awful but the fashion and scenery were so fun!

    1. And Gabriel is hot!

18. Just finished The Politician on Netflix – loved it! Has anyone binged any good tv shows lately? I think Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is next on my list.

    1. I’m finishing up season 5 of The Magicians (on netflix) and I like it a lot! It’s like a mix of harry potter/game of thrones, so if you’re into fantasy I would try it out.

    2. I’m on maternity leave, so I’ve been binge watching shows while trapped by an adorable newborn. I LOVED Schitt’s Creek, and was so disappointed when I finished it. Borgen (a Danish show on Netflix) was also really good – it reminded me of the West Wing. I’m currently enjoying Kim’s Convenience.

       1. Borgen is on my list! Currently watching Community, which is lovely and adork-able, reminds me a lot of Parks and Rec and Schitt’s Creek.

    3. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of my all-time favorites! And to second the poster above, I really liked The Magicians too. I think it’s actually better than the books. Recently, I also liked Never Have I Ever (Mindy Kaling’s new show), What We Do in the Shadows, The Good Fight, Normal People, The Great, and Superstore.

    4. I really liked Kingdom – set in Joseon-era Korea, lots of political intrigue, and also zombies. Sounds odd but it’s great.
       It’s divisive, but I’m enjoying The Haunting of Bly Manor. The supporting characters steal the show in a good way.
       For more a more lighthearted choice, Home Game is neat – it follows players in culturally unique sports. The first ep is about a super-violent Italian sport, so maybe skip that one. The rest are really heartwarming.

    5. We are really loving Star Trek: Discovery, especially Season 2. And the just-started Season 3 looks like it’s going to be great.

       1. All Star Trek is comfort TV as far as I’m concerned, so we’ve been leaning HARD on that this pandemic. And there’s loads of it!

          1. My husband is LOVING the new animated series, Lower Decks. Not my super fave but if he’s happy, I’m happy!

    6. Pretty sure I got the recc from this site, but I believe The Bold Type is the most underrated show. It’s fantastic— like a progressive, 2020 SATC remake (only with 20-somethings instead of 30-somethings). And there are lots of seasons to watch! It’s on Hulu.

       1. I second this, that show is excellent!

    7. I just finished Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and loved it so much, definitely watch that next!

       I recently wrapped up ER on Hulu. The whole thing, all 15 seasons, started in the spring and finished just before starting my new job. I’m also unsure what to watch next, actually.

    8. Here are my suggestions:
       –I also thought Borgen (Netflix) was great and am SO EXCITED that a new season is planned.
       –The lead actress from Borgen is also in The Accident on Hulu, which is a 4-episode binge. Also has Sarah Lancashire from Happy Valley and Last Tango in Halifax.
       –If you are into Nordic noir stuff, Trapped is Icelandic and sooo good. I think it’s on Amazon, might be on Netflix. Also enjoyed Deadwind (Netflix) and Modus (first season on Amazon).
       –The first season of Mystery Road is on Amazon. Takes place in the Australian outback and introduced me to the actor Aaron Pedersen. Whoa.

       1. You made my day Borgen and Happy Valley are two of my favorites. If you are in Nordic stuff try “The bridge”.

19. Does anyone have veneers or lumineers? I have fluorosis; I’m really self conscious about my teeth and whitening doesn’t help. Now that my student loans are paid off, I have the means to do something about my teeth. I’m trepidatious because veneers aren’t reversible. I don’t want to do the crowns – the idea of having baby vampire teeth is terrifying – but having any amount of tooth shaved off still seems kind of awful? Maybe lumineers are an option? I have a consult with my dentist scheduled for next week. What questions should I ask?

    1. Among other questions, ask for the high/low on how long veneers or lumineers will last before replacement. The initial cost is one thing, but signing on the periodic replacement for life totally changes the financial commitment.

    2. One of my coworkers got veneers and she decided that instead of keeping her teeth more or less the same shape and size, she was going to get big, perfect, very white teeth. It was a shocking change.

       I talked to a friend at another company and they had some kind of rumor going around that my coworker had been in an accident and lost all of her teeth and had to wear dentures. They were all feeling sorry for her!

       So I’d say don’t go too extreme. Stick to your current tooth shape and size.

       1. Ha! Yeah I’m not changing the size or shape at all, I just want a uniform color. I really wish they could just paint over my teeth with new enamel!

       2. +1. My FIL did the same. His smile is so big, he looks like a Simpsons character.

    3. After researching this for the same reason, I decided against veneers because of the damage to my natural teeth and the upkeep costs over time (they said they would have to shave a little more off my teeth with every replacement). It felt like too big a commitment to make for my future self.

    4. Getting veneers was the single best decision I have ever made in my entire life!

20. So not a now question but overall – say you’re single. Say you want to travel (post pandemic) – some would be short make it a 3 day weekend and fly to Boston or Montreal trips and some would be longer 1 week vacations in Europe etc. Say your only family is parents who don’t “approve” of you traveling because they’re of a “you can travel when you’re married” culture and don’t seem to understand that at 40 marriage isn’t a guarantee nor do I want to wait years to be able to make the 1.5 hr flight to Montreal. They can’t stop me in that this isn’t their money being spent on travel but were I to tell them — hey I’m going to Montreal or London or wherever they’d lecture and badger until it would make me double minded about going or I’d go and it just wouldn’t be as carefree or “light” anymore. So in that circumstance, who do you tell that you’re going on x flight, staying in y hotels and will be back on z date? I’m a believer that SOMEONE should know if you’re traveling, just in case, but who do you tell when the people you’d tell aren’t simply going to note that info but make an issue of it? Back in my biglaw days (when I should’ve traveled but didn’t because I mistakenly listened to mommy and daddy), I would’ve sent that info to my assistant because we were cool enough that I’d feel ok doing that even for a Friday-Sunday trip. But now post biglaw, not in a job with any kind of assistant.

    1. I would put the information in an email and send as I was heading to the airport!

       1. +1. And stop letting their badgering and lecturing live rent free in your life! Hang up, don’t answer, draw boundaries so they know this is not a subject you are willing to let them rant on. Sorry, bye. Biological relationships does not mean you get to treat me badly. Repeat this to yourself and give yourself the gift of boudnaries.

          Enjoy your travel!

          Also, your best friend. Tell you best friend or close friend about your travel so someone knows where you are if your parents are truly going to be this terrible.

    2. Tell one of your friends? I do it with one of my girl friends, we both used to travel a lot for work or fun – hey I’m taking a trip to XYZ city for a few days, just sending you my travel info in case of emergency.

    3. Do you have a friend you could let know?

    4. A friend, a trusted neighbor, a sibling or cousin, even a coworker you have a good relationship with. I say this with kindness – this is not as hard as you’re making it.

    5. I would let a friend know and just text the friend when I got home that I’d made it back safely. I also like the idea of just informing family on the way to the airport. DH and I each have ways of telling our parents things without open the subject for discussion.

    6. Presumably your work will know where you are? Who approves your travel?

       Just don’t tell them until you get back. Tell a friend.

       1. I don’t give my boss my vacation itinerary when I ask for time off.

          1. I guess this varies by job. We have a strong vacation culture and there is little expectation of being contacted while away but we are expected to provide contact info. Usually this is just the hotel name, phone number and applicable dates as a back up to my personal email. In Europe, I don’t bother to get a cell for while I’m there.

    7. A close friend. When I was actively dating, I would always send one of my friends the info on who my date was and where we were meeting, and would check in when I got home safely. I think it’s totally cool to send a friend details of the trip and contact details for your parents “just in case” and check in after you return.

    8. If you want to tell a white lie, just tell them you’re tacking some personal time onto a business trip.

       Though I must say that your parents are extraordinarily involved in your life given that you’re 40 and off their payroll. I think you have work to do beyond travel planning.

       1. Asian parents. It isn’t unheard of. OP just work around them like you would someone at work — i.e. manage upwards.

       2. I agree – just tell a white lie. You could tell them your job is paying for it or part of it, you are presenting something or meeting a client, etc. And good for you for making these plans and not waiting around for all of the pieces in your life to fit together. Enjoy your future adventures!

    9. A friend.

    10. Do you have a friend? This is the type of thing my best friends tell me all the time a quick ‘Hey, I’m going up to a cottage in the Muskokas for the weekend’ text is all it takes.

    11. I tell my parents. They’re also naysayers in that they think it’s dangerous for me to travel solo, but I do it enough and they just have to get over it.

        Do you have friends, a coworker, landlord, neighbor? Consider also to register your trip with the Department of State.

        Also, commiserations on “life doesn’t start until we find a partner.” I’ve had an especially bad week of that crap.

    12. Do you have a responsible friend? That is what I would do sans assistant.

    13. do you have a close friend you could share the info with?

    14. For a short trip, nobody.
        For a longer trip, whoever was bringing in the mail or checking on the house, generally a friend.

    15. This was me! I’ve been taking solo trips twice a year for about 5 years now. The first trip was the hardest. It’s rough to hear your anxieties voiced by people who love you. The night before my first trip, I broke down crying and almost canceled the whole thing. But I toughed it out and had an amazing time. My mom still gripes and moans a little, but it is a vast improvement over the first trip. You just have to rip that bandaid off. “Parents, I love you, I am going on this trip, it’s not up for discussion, here is my information just in case. I will share pictures when I get back.”

        If you’re active on social media, that might help ease their anxieties a little. I post pictures every couple of days, which makes my mom feel better because she knows I’m still alive. Have a great time!

        1. Oh I almost forgot – my mom suggested that I was hurting my future husband by going on trips without him. It will be less special if we later go together because it won’t be our first time. It was such a gross comment that it helped me ignore her. Like seriously what’s next, are we going to pass around a flower and take petals off it?

    16. I’d give the info to a friend or a sibling (if you have one). I don’t think travelling abroad alone is inherently dangerous, but it can be hugely helpful to have backup. My sister was pick-pocketed when travelling alone abroad (at a major Italian tourist destination). Wiring cash to her let her continue her trip with limited disruption.

    17. I married in my late 30s and before that, always had a friend have my information. I flew and took road trips all over to run marathons, do not regret a single minute of it, and travel a lot less now that I’m married with a kid.

    18. If you don’t have at least 2 friends with whom you can share this information, I would strongly encourage you to make the most of the time that the pandemic requires you to stay home and begin making friendships in your community. I would start by trying to build stronger relationships with existing friendly acquaintances. Start a virtual book club, perhaps!

        You have clearly done an excellent job of investing in yourself financially and perfecting time-management so that you can travel frequently. Kudos to you for not allowing your relationship status to limit your traveling! Now, I would strongly encourage you to invest in female friendships.

        (Note: I wrote “at least 2 friends” because I am a big believer that, while best friends are wonderful, it is unfair to make any 1 person your sole resource.)

    19. I am your age and travel solo fairly frequently. I often will mention an upcoming trip to friends so they know what country I am in, but rarely give more details than that. Every once in a while I tell my sibling what airline I am flying in case my plane goes down. But I never plan hotels more than a day in advance, so I don’t provide more info than that.

    20. Friend (work friend or otherwise) or neighbor.

    21. Second the notion to tell a friend. And even if you don’t feel close enough to your friends to tell them, telling them will make them feel closer to you and I think that’s probably a good thing.

        And I know how you feel — In recent years I never told my parents about my travels until I was back, for a variety of reasons. I vividly remember taking a call from my mom while standing on a street corner in London: “What are you up to?” “Oh, nothing much — just out shopping!”

        P.S. Montreal is great but Quebec City is even better!

    22. Yea just tell a friend. I went on tons of trips with boyfriends during undergrad and family never knew. It was one of many things in a broad category where I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but it will upset my parents, so I chose not to tell them to avoid the drama.

        1. It was probably made in a spirit of teenage angst, but years ago I saw a post online that said, “In order to live a happy life I’m going to have to disappoint my parents a little bit,” and I think of it often.

    23. I pretty much only travel solo. I tell my girlfriends on our group text general information, my neighbors (so they can keep an eye on my house), and my riding trainer (who insists I see Ted Bundy’s face in every stranger I meet).

    24. I did this. I told a close cousin. I picked a cousin over a friend because she had a direct line to family in the event of a real emergency, but a friend would suffice too. I gave her a rough itinerary, let her know it was subject to change, too. I also said if she didn’t hear from me in X amount of days, assume there was a problem. I gave her my passport info, too. Otherwise I just checked in whenever I moved cities (it was a longer, three-week backpacking trip across multiple countries in my 20s) with a quick text or email but tried to never go more than 2 days without a quick “Hi, I’m alive”. She also follows me on social media so she saw the occasional post. Low key and easy. I trusted her judgment and that she wouldn’t overreact/underreact as we have similar demeanors and personalities in many way, which I feel was an important personality trait in choosing her/my person for this role.

    25. A friend, a coworker and funny enough- my boss, because he has the highest motivation and interest in me coming back (to work) safely and on time. LOL.

21. Kind of a weird question for those of you with Invisalign aligners and/or nightguards. So I used to have a nightguard for ~5 years, and a few months in, I realized one side of it was turning red. Not like rust/blood red, but like bright almost neon red. Dentist was baffled but did a whole sanitizing of the thing which didn’t get the color out at all, but assured me it wasn’t bacterial/dangerous and I went on with my life.

    Three weeks ago, I got Invisalign and lo and behold, 2 weeks in, my aligners are getting that red stain in the exact same place. Any ideas what it could be? Maybe I am bleeding slightly and it’s staining? But it seems weird because blood usually turns a darker red?

    1. Is it possible when you rinse it off, your water has iron in it or some other mineral that is changing the color? I have a nightguard made of invisalign material and I use Retainer Brite (you can get it on the river website) to soak it, since it gets discolored when I just brush it with normal toothpaste.

    2. Maybe a medication changing the acidity of your saliva? I’m on Pentasa for Crohn’s which contains Mesalamine. My urine is still yellow but it discolors the underneath of my toilet seat with these spots that look like blood. I doubt I’m getting that much urine under there. It is just some kind of reaction between the material and the proximity of the urine.

    3. I did invisalign 5 years ago, have a night guard that I don’t really use because I prefer my invisalign retainers, and I truly don’t even have a guess. I am sure my info is somewhat outdated, but I am someone that very thoroughly (read: obsessive-compulsively) researches things I am getting myself into, like when I started invisalign and my night guard, and I have never heard of this! FWIW, my retainer routine involves taking my retainer out in the morning, putting it in an ultrasonic cleaner that runs for 5 minutes, and then putting it in its case. I throw in a Retainer Brite tab and let it soak for 20 minutes about every other day as well (sometimes less often). No issues with discoloration following that technique, and have been doing it for years.

22. I feel as though I’ve been iced out or given a lesser role in several projects recently at work. I have a really good reputation in my office, so I don’t think it’s due to performance (though I know I’m feeling the 2020 burnout and am probably not fully the superstar I once was)

    I think some of this is due to workplace sexism, some is due to seniority and some is due to my new supervisor throwing up roadblocks. Overall my office is young and there’s a huge lack of leadership, which is frustrating as a more junior member. I’m really, really fed up about being pulled in several directions, micromanaged (I used to have a lot of leeway with previous supervisors) and now being kept out of projects that mean a lot to me.

23. Is it rude to ignore read receipt requests? I have some opposing counsel (+ their staff) who request them with every email. It’s quite annoying because 100% of the time I haven’t actually read the email, I’ve just sorted it. I’m not waiting 5 hours to respond, I just haven’t fully read your email yet!

    1. I almost never respond to these – I just click ignore. For the same reason you’ve raised – I haven’t read it/dealt with it; I just glanced at it to see what it was/sort it. (Also, I am on one matter with over 200 attorneys and dozens of emails a day come in on this case and someone in the group asks for a read receipt every time – I cannot imagine why they even want hundreds of read receipts a day.)

       1. I always provide read receipts especially if there are a large number of recipients just to have the read receipt backfire and clog up their inbox. I figure, they asked for it!

    2. I ignore them every time. What’s rude is asking for it in the first place.

    3. My org forces us to ask for them and we can’t turn it off. They are super annoying. I have the replies auto-delete, so I never even see them. I would in no way be offended if you ignored them.

    4. If it from someone outside my organization and not a client? Then I always ignore them. They are usually from opposing counsel and they do not get to dictate that I tell them when I read their emails.

       But I have found it is frequently a power play (like emailing at odd hours or weekends and then getting huffy when I do not respond right away) and I treat it as such. Client and my boss can get away with that; other people not so much.

24. How do you feel about the home IPL hair removal? I am a redhead, but I have PCOS and I have been getting almost black armpit and frontal leg hair of late…and down below is getting weird. I am NOT insulin resistant, I have an adrenal problem, I don’t have NCAH, I have taken meds for MANY years and I just had to stop because they were causing other probs and making me look older, so I don’t want to talk about that atm…

    I hesitate to have my derm do the removal, because it likely won’t work very well due to my hair color and I’ll be throwing away a crudload of money. I thought if this thing would work just enough to slow things down and thin things out a bit, it would be worth it. What do you think?

    1. If you are worried it won’t work, I think you are much better off trying a few laser sessions to see if you see improvement than buying an expensive gadget that is much weaker than what they have available at a med spa/derm. I tried the Tria a few years ago and it could not have been more useless, but had decent results professionally.

       1. This. If it doesn’t work very well at a professional office then it will work even worse at home. I’ve done both and can tell you that results take much longer to show and are not uniform when DIY.

25. My anxiety has been under control for years without meds/therapy but 2020 is threatening to undo that.

    My anxiety was rough last night and I still feel off today.

    I don’t have a GP, let alone a therapist, in my city yet (moved here about a year ago, only regular doctor I had was my GYN who just left the practice) so will be a bit before I get the opportunity to discuss meds and/or therapy. So, what can I do in the meantime to cope?

    1. My insurance has a couple options where you can select some urgent care-type places as your GP. Super convenient if you’re healthy and rarely need a doctor. It’s how I first got Paxil years ago.

    2. Something you can do right now, today is to get started on meds again. I work in the mental health field and see that everyone is moving to telehealth- it’s convenient and is as effective as in person visits. AmWell is a popular online service that has board certified psychiatrists available- they have contracts with several large insurance carriers and are thoroughly vetted- some insurances cover visits with them. (A family member of mine got an online visit same day as signing up and it was great. ) There are other online services- just be careful to check credentials especially board certification in psychiatry. Counselling might take a while to find the right person who clicks with you, so work on that after the meds are in place, esp. if you know which med works for you.
       Also, anxiety generally is through the roof right now due to all the changes we are having to endure. I’ve seen estimates that up to 40% of the population report anxiety now. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re not in this alone. You’ll be OK.

26. Thanks for all the “slugging” advice yesterday. (Slugging is sleeping with an occlusive layer all over your face, like Vaseline)

    I tried it last night with Aquaphor, which is only 41% petrolatum, and I think that’s going to work well for me. My pillow is not a mess this morning, but my face doesn’t feel dry and tight like it has been so that’s a huge relief. I also mixed my night moisturizer with a few drops of oil at someone else’s suggestion and that was a nice layer before the occlusive.

    FWIW I did my main evening skincare about an hour before bed, and then did the Aquaphor about 10 minutes before bed.

    1. So after reading that thread I feel like the tik-tokers need to go hang out with Asian Beauty Reddit, because the k and j beauty products for this (sleeping packs) are SO much better than aquaphor. I’d suggest looking into a proper sleeping pack which are generally more ‘cosmetically elegant’ while still providing a nice occlusive layer. My personal favorite is the COSRX Balancium Comfort Ceramide Cream (available on Amazon). You don’t need a ton, and it sinks in faster and leaves less of a greasy layer. For lips I still think the Laneige lip mask is the holy grail there it both moisturizers and seals better than Aquaphor does imho.

       1. anne-on, so the Laneige is better than a thick coat of lip balm? I’m not a regular lip balm user, but a few times I year I get chapped lips and sleep with a coat of Chapstick or something similar, but it doesn’t sink in. So when I wake up in the morning I still have this thick coat of gack on my lips. I’ve been looking for a more lotion-y lip balm (they used to make them but I haven’t found one yet), but in the meantime I’ve been getting tons of ads for Laneige, and I’m getting tempted. I’m generally not into prestige products but I’ve gone down the K-beauty rabbit hole for my face, so a specialty lip mask wouldn’t be out of the question, since I only need it a few times a year.

          1. I’m OP. Get the Laneige. It’s like $20 and will last forever (see my post below). I may have dry facial skin but my lips are A+ year round since using this stuff.

             1. PS I have the original pink one, can’t vouch for any of the others, and I keep it on my bedside table so I don’t forget.

          2. Yes, 1000% better. I’m on accutane, so I use a regular lip balm (Fresh Sugar one is my HG) and then the Laneige on top of that. Truly, it is the only thing saving my lips. It’s also a great time of year to buy it – there are holiday sets where you can buy the big one and get smaller ones for just a few dollars more as part of the package.

       2. For the lip mask, would it work on the area above the lip? My elementary-aged kid gets so chapped around his mouth in the winter and I would love to find something else that works for overnight when Aquaphor doesn’t.

          1. Yes, 100%, I totally use it on my son (and me) all over the mouth area. I’ve even slathered it up into my nostrils (sorry if that’s TMI) when those got dry/chapped during a bad cold. It ‘breathes’ better than the Aquaphor and doesn’t feel as unpleasant on the skin.

       3. I am OP and I have and use that Laneige lip mask – seriously I wonder if I’m ever going to put a dent in that jar, you need so little. I have had it for close to a year. But I wouldn’t put it on my face.

          Is the sleeping mask you recommend simply hydrating/occlusive? I’m not looking for any additional actives.

          I actually have a sleeping mask my sister gave me as a gift, tonymoly I Am Rose, because that’s my middle name. (Rose, not Tonymoly). I put it on once and it didn’t feel the same as the Aquaphor, I guess it felt more like it soaked in fairly quickly.

          1. Sorry, dying of laughter at your parentheses! “This is my daughter, Sarah Tonymoly Smith…”

             1. Has kind of a ring to it, tho!

          2. Yes, the Cosrx mask is VERY simple and has no actives. One blogger I follow said something along the lines of ‘its about as exciting as white rice, but perfect for when I’ve overdone it on actives’.
             I’ve actually used the laneige mask on my face in a pinch (traveling, reacted to the hotel’s scented products and got dry rashy spots) and it worked really well too. This Cosrx product is bigger and less greasy though.
             For the person who asked – I’ve also coated it around my son’s nose/lips during a bad cold. The nice smell/taste made him much less likely to wipe it off after writhing around dramatically.

       4. Eh, I think a gentle brand for slugging like Cerave is popular because it is cheap and accessible for a lot of people. I fully understand that some of the J and K beauty stuff might work better, but don’t have the time or desire to spend hours online researching sleeping packs and such when I can pick up Cerave on my next trip to the grocery store.

    2. I didn’t see that threat until way too late but have been team Slug for years. I have a few ways of slugging depending on my skins needs and my level of laziness, but generally I like to spray my face down with La Roche Posay’s SeroZinc, then pat on Hada Labo hyaluronic acid (the “premium version”) followed by whatever other serums I’m using, followed by thick Cerave cream, followed by a mixture of Cerave cream + Aquaphor (or Vasaline, Cerave ointment, etc). This makes a thicccc texture that stays put all night. Maybe seal in nostrils and other sensitive areas with an extra layer of just aquaphor on top of that. Currently looking into adding a glycerin layer, since that is the new trendy ingredient this year.

27. I posted about a week ago about my timesheet making me cry because I am so behind on my billable hours, don’t have any work and have been losing my mind about my future at a firm I hoped would be my forever-firm due to a massive pandemic-caused hours shortage this year. Everyone here was so encouraging and said keep going through the motions re asking for work if only to CYA. Not sure what changed, but this time when I asked for work I was FLOODED with assignments. High quality assignments from partners I have been wanting to work with for years. I am overwhelmed with relief, I truly did not think this outcome was possible. I haven’t been “busy” in sooooo long, I have to stop wallowing and start working! Hope I did not bite off more than I can chew.

    1. Yay! Glad you had a good outcome! I have learned over the years that there are ups and downs to busy periods. You will do fine!

    2. Wow, that’s great! Go get ’em!

    3. I’m really glad to see this update! Go kick some ass!

    4. Feast or famine is always the way with law firm work. You got this!

    5. So glad to hear this update!

28. I’m going to be having surgery in December (it’s treating a serious medical condition, all medically suggested precautions are being taken, this was the best scheduling option available). It will be affecting my chest/shoulder area. I need tops that are completely zip-front or button-front, because for the first few weeks I won’t be able to get my arms over my head, and preferably ones that are cheap because they’re likely to be covered in all manner of fluids that don’t wash out well. Aside from raiding the Target discount section, can anyone recommend some good options? I’m a size 14 kids/XS adults. Appearance doesn’t matter, I can get a medical accommodation for basically anything that covers my chest. Thanks!

    1. Zip up hoodies? In my experience after shoulder surgery, they’re easier to manage than anything with buttons.

    2. H+M has lots of inexpensive hoodies in solid colors. I’d order a boys size 14 vs. girls size 14 as they run a little larger/looser.

    3. Bike shirts might be a good option. Most are sleeveless or have short sleeves and zip completely down. The good ones (Pearl Izumi) tend to be pricey, and while I’ve found some bike jerseys on Amazon for much cheaper they typically only last a few washes.

       I wear a lot of zip-front fleece and sweaters because I get hot otherwise and have found decent ones at TJ Maxx and the like.

    4. I got some really soft button-up flannel shirts at Old Navy.

29. Just sharing a small win here: after literally YEARS (!) of experiencing anxiety symptoms and suspecting that I have something akin to add/adhd, I reached out to a therapist today.

    A lot of that is owed to you all here, who have shared and encouraged women here to do the same. Thank you!

    1. Woohoooo! If you don’t mind expanding, what type of therapy are you doing? I am in the same boat but stuck on the different types and can’t make decisions

    2. kudos to you for taking that step!

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