Thursday’s Workwear Report: Twist Detail Knit Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m kind of in love with this top from Emerson Rose at Nordstrom. I think it looks interesting and intricate and a lot more expensive than it really is, which is $89. If you’re curious about what to wear it with, I like red with gray, and you could also throw in some pink and orange details if you want to avoid a monochromatic, ’80s feel. It comes in sizes XS–XL and is machine wash/tumble dry. Twist Detail Knit Top

Two plus-size options are at Old Navy and Macy’s.

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  1. Makeup Routine :

    Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday – I was able to cut my makeup routine in half this morning!

    • That’s awesome! Did you cut out some steps or just streamline the process?

      • Makeup Routine :

        I cut one product (eyeliner), and then just streamlined by choosing 1 foundation, 1 bronzer, 1 blush, my 2 brushes, etc. the night before and setting them on a tray. I did my makeup alone in the bathroom without distractions from my baby or my phone, and voila! It does not look as awesome as it usually does but who’s really that close to my face during the work day anyway?

    • Anonymous :

      Yes I wanted to chime in and thank everyone too! I laid out everything I needed before I started, then put things back in my bag as I went. SOOOOO much faster than searching for every item as I need it. And it helped me avoid distractions too.

    • That is so great to hear! Good for you. I love it when people check back in and tell us how everything worked out.

    • BeenThatGuy :

      I actually thought about you when I was putting my makeup on! I thought about setting a timer to see how long it took me. Glad you were able to cut some time off!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      How great is this!?

      I’ve accidentally sped up my makeup timeline this week by not unpacking my makeup bag from last weekend’s trip (because I’m out of town this weekend too) — so all the essentials are in that bag and there’s no digging through the drawer. I should implement it full time!

    • Missed this yesterday, but I bought a drawer organizer from an office supply store and put that in my makeup drawer. Now everything is in its own slot, is easy to find, no digging around for me anymore! The pen section is where I keep my brushes, smaller sections for eye shadow, one section for the misc. stuff I only use on occasion, one section for my eyelash curler and mascara, and one section for my foundation. I love having everything in its own space.

  2. Wedding Politics :

    Can you wise ladies weigh in? I’m hosting my ‘wedding’ at a nice restaurant. It seats 40, between my family and DF’s family we have 40 people. It’s a family only event but I still feel the plus one situation is prickly, we’ve decided partners of 1+ years are the only people who qualify as +1s. Idk, I feel bad and slightly conflicted. I’m not even inviting my friends so no cousin Joe you can’t bring your floozie of the month

    • Anonymous :

      That’s rude and you know it. If someone is in a relationship they should be invited with their guest. If Joe is single, then he doesn’t get a plus one.

      Idk what you want to hear. Your venue fits 40 so you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, but if that means cutting out Janet’s boyfriend of 6 months you’re rude.

      Like, there is no wedding police. Your day will be lovely, your family won’t hate you, everyone will be fine. But it’s still not a good thing to do.

      • Anonymous :

        This comment is an excellent example of what I posted about yesterday. Hey commenter, you realize you aren’t going to get a prize, medal or raise from being the first person to jump in with a hostile, sn0tty, and abrasive response, right? Were you sitting at your computer this morning, feverishly refreshing the screen, just so you could be the very first person to jump in to shame and denigrate the first person asking a question? I don’t know if you’re the same person doing it to everyone, or there’s a cabal of you on here (maybe a coven would be a more appropriate term), but it’s really getting old. You can post constructive criticism CONSTRUCTIVELY without being a b—-. Just a suggestion.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Hey, don’t talk about covens that way! :)

        • I mean, she’s not wrong, and someone has to be the first to point it out. Trust me, the wedding forums would be soooo much more blunt and nasty than this.

          I don’t know why someone is obligated to wait until nice posts are posted before sharing their thoughts.

          • +1

            The tone policing in this place is ridiculous. The content of her comment is relevant information. Sorry it’s not wrapped up in a pretty little bow so as not to hurt everybody’s delicate feelings.

          • I’m sorry that you get some kind of sick satisfaction out of making other people feel less-than, and you feel it’s appropriate to take your anger and aggression out on anonymous strangers in the Internet. Your life must be very sad and lonely, for such a thing to be possible for you. You’re in my thoughts. I hope you get some help and can stop this behavior, someday.

        • Anon For This! :

          +1 to the Original Anonymous

          Frequent reader and occasional contributor. Stopped posting with any questions because a host of the responses were snarky and designed to make one feel ridiculous for asking the question or having the problem/conundrum to begin with.

          It’s awful. Not a very welcoming online environment anymore.

          And no, this is not about delicate feelings. It’s about human decency. Half of you wouldn’t have the nerve to respond that way to a friend or a person in real life. Keyboard thugs!

          • Rainbow Hair :

            A few months ago a commenter or two were really mad at me for suggesting that people should use a kinder, more polite tone on this board. If there’s a(n internet) hill on which I have to die, I think “hey, maybe don’t be a d*ck” isn’t a bad one.

        • I think people here are getting to judgementel of others in the HIVE. PLEASE! LET’s All live in Peace, as soul sisters! We are in it together and all of us are better together then seperete. FOOEY on those that put other’s down. I spoke with dad, and he said that people who put others down are NOT getting enough s-e-x, but that is not right. I do NOT put people down and guess what? It has been a while since any man had s-e-x with me, but I am NOT crankey! I would want a boyfreind to do stuff with but you don’t hear me complaining about it or being nasty like other women here.

          Let’s just get along! I say! YAY!!!!!

      • “No ring, no bring” is a longstanding rule. There is no obligation to invite boyfriends or girlfriends.

        • Isn’t the Emily Post rule, engaged or cohabiting?

          • Probably. “No ring, no bring” is the cute shorthand. Adjust as needed.

          • Just engaged, I think. Does Emily Post even approve of cohabitation?

          • Baconpancakes :

            Emily Post would never presume to cast judgement on someone else’s relationship.

          • Sorry, Baconpancakes… she does:


          • Linda from HR :

            I like the way it’s worded:

            ” Brides and grooms should be aware that spouses, fiancé(e)s and live-in romantic partners (no matter the sex) must be invited with your guests; boyfriends and girlfriends who don’t reside together don’t need to be.”

            Emphasis on the “don’t need to be.” It’s great when you can include them, if you want, but when keeping things small, it’s okay not to grant +1’s.

          • The only time I was annoyed at this situation is when I was living with a BF and he did not get invited to a friend’s wedding, when another friend’s newer/non-co-habitating BF was invited. This friend was closer to the bride than I was, and I get that, but that rankled me. Whatever you do, a bright line rule is best – but a bright line rule of “how good of friends we are” maybe isn’t the way to go.

    • lawsuited :

      A +1 is most important when you are inviting people from disparate parts of your life who might not know other people there, so I don’t think it’s a concern when it’s just your family members (who presumably know each other) who are invited.

      • We let my husband’s cousin bring his girlfriend of <1 year to our wedding, and they broke up shortly after. She's in a ton of pictures, which is weird now.

        • Anonymous :

          I mean yeah but plenty of long term couples break up too. A 1 year rule seems kind of arbitrary to me (and I say that as someone who only invited couples and didn’t let guests bring a rando date).

        • Anonymous :

          Everyone who’s had a wedding has guests who are no longer in their lives a few years out. People lose touch, fall out, break up, die…. A wedding is a snapshot in time. It’s not a permanent record of everyone who must stay in your life for as long as you live.

          • Anonymous :

            This! This times a million.

          • Totally this. We deliberately kept our wedding small (80 guests) and there are still plenty of people in the photos we don’t know well – husband’s second cousins we haven’t spoken to since the wedding, good friends of my mom that she asked us to invite but we don’t really know at all, and, yeah, quite a few ex-SOs of friends and family members. It’s really not a big deal and I think it weird to do fixated on an ex being in a few pictures (unless she did something horrible to your husband’s cousin and the photos bring back memories of that or something like that).

        • JFC who cares? The point of giving people +1s isn’t to make sure you also get family photos out of the deal or never have to look at a picture of someone you no longer know, it’s to allow your guests who are spending time and money to celebrate YOU to have a good time and not have to deal with being at a party alone all night. (But I co-sign lawsuited’s point.)

          OP- you’re having a small event, so presumably you’re close enough with everyone you’re inviting to know their relationship status and how serious those relationships are. Obviously, don’t give Joe an invite for his “floozy” (eyeroll), but if you know your cousin is in a serious thing with a lovely guy for 10 months, give her one.

          • Nudibranch :

            Yes, seriously. Think about what’s comfortable for your GUESTS, not about you for once. Worrying about your pictures, seriously?!?

            All your guests are not as excited about attending your wedding as you think they are. Don’t be stingy about their comfort. If a plus one helps them feel comfortable attending, then be a good host. I realize it’s more expensive but it shouldn’t be all about YOU.

        • My FIL, who died before our second anniversary, brought some woman he’d been dating for less than three months to our wedding. That was the last time we saw him alive, and she’s in all the pictures we have of him at the wedding. No one even remembers her name!

      • I let my husband be in our wedding pictures and now we’re no longer married. ;)

        • THIS!

        • Triangle Pose :

          Yes! Great point, thank you. “She’s in a ton of pictures, which is weird now.” That is totally delusional. It’s not weird. You’re the only who will look at your wedding pictures years after the wedding.

        • I am literally LOLing, thanks :D

        • For the win!

        • NOLA, you made my morning. A++ commenting.

        • Linda from HR :

          HA! excellent point, well said!

          I was actually going through old wedding photos with my parents the other day, weddings that either took place before I was born or when I was too young to remember them, and they were like “who’s that? Ohh I think it’s Blahblah . . . yeah, probably. We knew her from that thing, I wonder how she is now.” No big deal. Your marriage is intended to last forever, your relationships with various wedding guests don’t need to be.

        • Ha! But in all seriousness, even if you follow the Emily Post “no ring no bring” rule, I guarantee you that 20 years from now there will still be friends’ exes in your wedding photos. A pretty significant percentage of married couples will end up divorced.

      • You know, I’m going to push back on the idea that it’s easier with family not to have a date. My family is quite traditional, very into marriage and it feels like everyone has been married or coupled since we were teenagers. I felt the most lonely and in need of a date at family weddings – much more so than friend weddings, so like with dress codes, it could be a know your family situation.

        • +1. My generation of my family has also had very small weddings, so there wasn’t much chance of me finding anyone outside the family to hang out with.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t think this is rude at all based on the type of wedding you are hosting. It’s family and they can all talk to one another. It sounds like you are essentially hosting a wedding dinner – no dancing, etc. I would feel differently if there were a reception with a DJ. My friend hosted a similar wedding with immediate family only. You qualified as immediate family if you were married or engaged. Everyone was fine.

      • To me, married/engaged is a better line to draw than how long you have been dating

        • I personally like the cohabiting line.

          • Anonymous :

            What about long distance couples? Or if one or both partners are from a religious tradition that doesn’t permit (at least formal) cohabiting before marriage?

          • Anonymous :

            Are they engaged? If engaged, then invite.

            You have to draw lines somewhere to stay at 40.

            Honestly, no one even seems to much like going to these things (it’s more that their feelings are hurt). Even if family, but esp if not.

          • As someone who would not move in before marriage, I am okay with “married, engaged, or cohabitating,” but it seems rude to exclude fiancees because they aren’t moved in together.

        • Anonymous :

          Agreed. I think the best places to draw lines are 1) must be a couple or 2) must be engaged or married. Length of relationship seems arbitrary to me.

        • Anonymous :

          That’s just as arbitrary. What about a same sex couple still lives someplace they can’t get married? A couple that has been together 10 years but wants to buy a house before hosting a wedding? A couple that wants to own property and have children and grow old together but never get married?

          It’s impossible and frankly a little offensive to judge the seriousness of a relationship that you are not a part of. If a couple presents themselves as a social unit then take them at their word.

          • It’s not as arbitrary, because (with the possible exception of same sex couples pre-Obergefell), engagement or marriage is a choice and if you really care about signaling your commitment to each other you can get engaged. No matter how serious you are or how you feel about it each other, you can’t do anything to extend the duration of your relationship.

            I agree it’s not nice to exclude long-time unmarried couples, and we didn’t do it at our wedding, but it is by definition less arbitrary, because you are judging people by their choices and not by something that is entirely out of their control.

        • Good point on cohabiting

      • Agree. OP and her future spouse are not obligated to entertain people they have never met, or only met a few times. Living together, engaged and married is a good line to draw.

    • Jesus. Do what you want. Decide what you think is fair and reasonable within your constraints and work within that. It sounds like maybe you already have- although could you just not invite more distant relatives like cousins and focus on immediate family? That might also allow you to bring a very close friend or two. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. Everyone’s got an opinion about what you should do, but as long as you’re not a huge jerk, just do what works for you and stop feeling bad about it.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yeah, but be careful because referring to people’s SO’s as “floozy of the month” gets you close to jerk territory.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s your event and you can do whatever you like. But prepared for people to decline if their SO isn’t invited. I skipped my cousins wedding because my BF of 6 months (now husband) wasn’t invited. I’ve been to plenty of weddings without a +1 when I was single but I didn’t feel like traveling across the country and attending the wedding without my long term SO.

      • +1 I’m not going to my cousin’s wedding because my boyfriend of over a year isn’t invited. The MOH (the bride’s sister) had to BEG the bride to even allow her a plus one.

      • Agree with this, particularly for people coming from out of town. When I was dating, I likely would not have attended a cousin’s out of town wedding solo.

    • Anonymous :

      You feel bad because you are asking your guests to celebrate your love for your SO in a manner that does not honor their love for their SO. Plenty of people move in together, get engaged, have children, etc. short of the 1 year mark. That’s the problem with setting a bright line rule about whose relationship is serious enough to warrant acknowledgment – it’s necessarily arbitrary. Relationships are more complicated than that. The only bright line rule that works (because it’s logistically necessary) – the date the invites are mailed is the record date for being included in your wedding. People can choose to not come but they can’t be added.

      I also don’t understand the “floozie” comment on so many levels. Putting aside the term itself, if someone is a casual partner then they’re not an SO which means they’re not invited, so idk what you’re getting at.

      • Yeah, not sure why there is this judgement on the women cousin Joe dates rather than on cousin Joe himself.

      • Anonymous :

        Agreed. I was engaged to my husband 5 months after we started dating, and we got married 10 months after we started dating. So under these criteria, I wouldn’t have been able to bring my husband to the wedding?

        • Wedding Politics :

          All the relationships in my family are currently 5 years + or 2-3 months so I just made the one year number as a conscientious way to differentiate the people who cohabitate and regularly attend family events already from people I’ve never met before.

          • Linda from HR :

            “differentiate the people who cohabitate and regularly attend family events already from people I’ve never met before.”

            I don’t see why you need a one-year rule to make that distinction. For the people living together, invite them as a unit (rather than invite one person and give them a +1 when you know who they’d be bringing). If there’s anyone not living with an SO but you want them to be able to bring their SO as a date, make an exception. I doubt cousin Joe is going to investigate every couple in attendance, and then confront you for being “unfair” with the +1 provisions.

      • Wedding Politics :

        It’s a comment on cousin Joe, not these women. I’ve probably met 15 of them over the years between Christmas, Easter, other family weddings etc. While I obviously want my cousin to be there I don’t need to meet yet another woman.

        • But you called the woman a derogatory name, not cousin Joe…Why not say “serial dater cousin Joe’s latest girlfriend”?

        • Linda from HR :

          Sounds like you misdirected your snark. I’d hate to be called a floozie or any other cruel name just because people don’t like the guy dating me, even if he generally has poor taste in women.

    • I feel like people make mistakes with the term plus one. Your cousin joe who is not in a relationship does not need a plus one. It is a nice gesture if he doesn’t know people or you have room. Your friend Jane, who has been dating her bf for nine months, should be invited as “Jane and bob” the one year mark seems too artibitray to be polite.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes good point. If you know someone is in a relationship, it’s super rude to invite her and a +1, you name the SO.

      • Anonymous :

        Right. I thought that is what a +1 was for — the BF or GF of recent vintage or someone who is brought as a date. If someone has coupled up and you know it’s Carter and Chris, then you invite Carter and Chris, not Carter “plus guest” b/c then Chris will be “what about me???” and there may be weirdness. Esp. if they live together.

      • It sounds like Joe is currently in a relationship though and the OP just doesn’t approve of how many girlfriends he has had/how long his relationships normally last. That’s kind of different than Joe wanting to bring a random girl he’s maybe hooked up with a couple of times.

      • Marshmallow :

        Exactly this. If the guest considers themselves to be in a relationship and this person is an SO, it is rude not to invite them by name. “Plus ones” are for single guests and are optional.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m done being the wedding etiquette police- it doesn’t really matter what the rules are. I think you’re feeling bad because now you’re in the position of judging the strength and/ or longevity or other people’s romantic relationships. Which is really uncomfortable. You don’t really have an alternative and you knew this was the deal when you chose the venue. So be a peace with this choice and carry one. Congratulations and best wishes.

      • Yeah, this. Your venue has limited seating. Not everyone gets an invite. Stop worrying about offending people and invite who you want.

        Though maybe also don’t call a woman you’ve never even met (based on your comment at 9:51) a floozy.

    • Anonymous :

      In this situation I’d just go with parents, grandparents, and siblings and their SOs and kids. Unless you have a giant family, that should keep you under 40. No aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

    • Who are the affected parties? Is it adult cousins? How many? With a guest list of only 40, you might end up with 30-35 guests. Could you talk to the parties in advance of sending the invites and say something like “we are at fire code for the venue; if we get the RSVPs back and we have room, we’d love for you to be able to bring a guest.” That only works if you’re talking about a handful at most of people, but I’d be *way* less put off.

      Or, consider not inviting distant cousins in favor of allowing people you really want to have there a +1.

      Or, and/or, do save the dates early and proactively try and get a feel for attendance (maybe cousin joe can’t make at at all!) then adjust the +1s accordingly.

    • Anonymous :

      Why did you choose a venue that has a 40 person capacity when you have more than 40 guests? People come before pretty.

      • spoken like someone who didn’t plan a wedding celebration on a budget. It’s not unreasonable to want a 40 person wedding.

        • Anonymous :

          Not at all, but it is unreasonable to want to it both ways (have a small wedding and invite all the cousins).

    • Do you, like, have a spreadsheet somewhere of how long everyone has been with their SO? Do they submit an official notice to you that they are now in a committed relationship and would like to begin their waiting period to upgrade from “floozie” to “partner”?

      Unsurprising that an arbitrary rule with lots of grey area is causing you stress.

    • Invite who you want to invite and your relatives and friends should be adults and understand. I never received a +1 invite before I was very serious with my now-husband, and even then only from friends who knew us both decently well (though only one of us well enough to get an invite on our own). I’ve never been offended not to get one. At our wedding, we drew the line at SOs who we had met. Most of our friends were married already, so I think there was 1 SO who wasn’t invited initially with this rule and when we had some rejections, we invited her. You’re probably not going to make everyone happy whatever you do, but you are not in elementary school with a rule you have to invite the whole class. Do what makes you happy.

      I also second the thought that, at a smallish family gathering, everyone should know people and not feel left out without a date.

    • Agree that you can do whatever you want but personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to get into the business of judging the seriousness of other people’s relationships. If invite have not gone out, you might want to consider that your venue is too small if it can’t accommodate significant others. I had a similar dinner (restaurant had a hard cap at 50) and then we did our guest list accordingly but counted everyone’s SO. This meant not as many family got invited and neither did all our friends. But we weren’t asking people to give up their time to come celebrate us alone if they had a partner. I met some of the partners that evening for the first time, too. Oh, and since I married my husband at 6 months and was secretly engaged to him, my family thought he was the floozy of the month (since I used to bring my other BFs to family events), so you never know, don’t be so hard on cousin Joe – he might just be picky and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    • Linda from HR :

      My friend recently got married and she had a general rule that guests could only have a +1 if she’d met their SO, and that she’d made an exception for me (and possibly a couple others, who knows?) because she’d known me for a long time. I thought that was a good general rule and I certainly appreciated her being flexible! The “rule” you’re intending sounds a little more arbitrary, a relationship can be super serious without necessarily being a year old yet, but it’s your wedding and if you have to draw the line somewhere, and this seems like the best way to do it, you can absolutely expect your guests to be grownups about the situation.

      As for cousin Joe, if you’re just looking to prevent him from bringing whoever he’s having a fling with and you’re sure he wouldn’t be serious about the person he’s bringing, don’t grant him a +1, and if he gets upset you can absolutely say “we’re trying to keep the headcount low, and decided to only grant +1’s to people in serious, long-term relationships” and go from there. It does kind of stink when you really like your SO and can’t bring them to the wedding, but most people aren’t going to put up that much of a fight about it.

      Also, this sounds like an excellent question for Lizzie and Dan over at Awesome Etiquette!

    • Since it’s such a small group, you could also check in with folks (or have your parents check in with their parents) about whether it’s an issue. For people who aren’t getting an invite for their SO, the personal touch might also be appreciated. But basically you kinda know already what’s going to make your guests feel good about celebrating with you and what’s going to make them feel uncomfortable and judged. There’s no hardline etiquette rule here.

    • Anon for this :

      If you value someone enough to invite them to your wedding, then you should give them the option to bring a +1 and respect their guest decision – whomever that person may be. If you are concerned about photos, you can give your photographer some direction as to whom you want highlighted in your photos or not.

    • KateMiddletown :

      We were super organic about this for our wedding. The basic rule was, if we don’t know your GF/BF they’re not invited, especially if you’re a cousin who is coming with their parents/siblings. I extended a +1 to a friend from college flying in from the other coast, since I didn’t want her to be solo in the city and she didn’t know anyone else coming. (She opted not to bring the +1 anyway since the flight was expensive and had a great time nonetheless.)

    • our rule for our wedding was living together or engaged. we made one exception for a couple who was moving in the month after our wedding and the guy was in the wedding party.

    • I did not invite anyone who I knew did not have a current significant other. I didn’t base it on length of time together, I based it on whether I was going to pay $150+ for some person to be at my wedding that one of my friends was bringing reluctantly. I also thought about the many times I was invited with a guest and wasn’t dating anyone and felt pressure to ask some random friend or something. I always preferred to go solo in those cases.

      • At my wedding ages ago, I did something similar to this. I did not have any invitations that said “and guest.” If I knew the name of a friend/family member’s SO, I addressed the invitation to both people. If not, I just invited the friend/family member without a guest. I made a couple of exceptions for my brothers and the other members of the wedding party, who I felt were entitled to have a guest given the expense and time involved in actually being in the wedding. If anyone was offended, they didn’t tell me they were.

        • I did the same thing (all couples invited by name, no “and guest”) although I didn’t make an exception for the wedding party. One of my bridesmaids threw a fit about it but at a wedding a few months before she RSVPed as bringing a +1 and then didn’t (because she wasn’t dating anyone and I guess couldn’t find a date at the last minute) and I was really uninterested in paying for a meal for a person who might not even show up. Three other bridesmaids (two of whom were good friends of hers) were also single so it wasn’t like she was alone at the wedding.

    • Having thought about this all morning:

      I am a certifiable monster about respecting adult relationships. My general rule is that snarky comments to the SO are inherently out of line; opinions are best kept to oneself; and issues should be dealt with via the person you know (e.g., “Joe, we are happy to host a woman you are serious about at Christmas, but the last six years, it’s been ten different women at holidays.”). There are precious few reasons for not extending a happy and hospitable face to the newcomer SO.

      And it goes without saying that the adult *couple*, not a bunch of other people, get to determine their relationship. They don’t like being referred to as “single” because they haven’t yet gotten engaged? Then cut the crap with referring to Jane’s boyfriend as that single hottie.

      I also think that a lot of wedding “etiquette” (quotes because it’s not stuff Miss Manners requires) is classist. It basically assumes that everyone has unlimited funds to throw a big bash, and therefore, only malice or indifference would cause someone to not extend “plus one” invitations. The reality is that allowing cousin Suzie to bring the guy she’s been dating for two months means that one of your college friends doesn’t get invited.

      So… you have to draw lines somewhere. Make sure that the person whose date isn’t invited knows why, and, in a wedding this small, you can even call and explain. Be sure to talk about how much you’re looking forward to meeting her, “but we aren’t even inviting our college roommates.” The respect you show for her otherwise is what makes it okay.

    • This site is amazing. Less than a week ago (if memory serves) someone posted about wanting a small, private wedding free of the usual wedding frills. She was universally told to go for it. Anytime someone says they want a wedding that is small/intimate/inexpensive, she is told to go for it. Yet someone who clearly wants that type of wedding posts about the logistics and (many) people jump all over her.

      The etiquette rules here are really clear (even under the more modern interpretations): Inviting one spouse or one-half of an engaged couple is rude. Inviting cohabiting couples is considered polite and most modern etiquette experts suggest it. Giving members of your wedding party a +1 is also considered polite, but is not mandatory. Absolutely nobody else is entitled to a +1. And is a single person refuses to come without their +1, I question whether your relationship is close enough that it really matters.

      And finally I suspect “floozy” was intended for humor, but I also suspect OP knows her uncle’s tastes better than we do.

      • Linda from HR :

        The thing is, no one’s jumping all over the OP because she’s having a small wedding, I suspect the overt incredulity (that is, I have to say, more aggressive than necessary) is because she seems unfamiliar with so-called “common sense” wedding etiquette or because she’s ignoring it and trying to implement rule that seems more arbitrary and possibly unfair just to prevent someone from bringing a date they’re probably not serious about.

        I do think that if this community is generally going to encourage small and/or low-budget weddings, we need to be more sympathetic to the conundrums that arise from planning them, even if the dilemma is not something everyone would have a hard time navigating on a personal level. I think it’s great that OP is trying to be sensitive to everyone while keeping the headcount low, and hopefully in this big mess of comments, she can find some wisdom to guide her decision.

    • Anonymous :

      Give the floozy a break and don’t invite her. She doesn’t want to come to your intimate family affair and Uncle Joe’s judgment that he should bring her is just bad, but she won’t be able to say no if he asks. Being an SO at any stranger’s wedding is the worst, much less a small family-centered wedding. And if my relationship is heading to serious, I never ever want my first introduction to the family to be at a wedding.

    • Invite everyone by name. No plus ones. With 40 people and long term relationships, you should know or be able to get names for everyone on your guest list. No need for arbitrary limits on the length of the relationship.

    • Do you know that all 40 of your invitees will attend? Likely, a few cannot come, which will leave room for a few more SOs. I say invite them all and pray a few can’t come!

  3. Ugh you guys. I am in such a work funk and just feel so down. I’m 1 year into my new role in private wealth management at a big bank where I have to find and close ultra high net worth clients. The sales cycle is long and a lot of the prospecting is cold and I knew it would be a grind. But all of the sudden I feel like I have no idea what the eff I’m doing, I have no traction with anything, and I’m somehow fooling my management team into thinking I’m competent when I’m not.

    I’m at the “top” of my class in management’s eyes, which is totally subjective as none of us have actually landed new accounts, just got a big bonus, but feel like a total fraud. How do you tell the difference between imposter syndrome and realizing that you’re not cut out for something?

    My son is 14 months and I’m in the process of weaning (can I blame everything on weaning?) and I can’t help but feel like I gave up so much baby time with him for nothing, because I’m no farther along with building my business than when I started, and what was the point of it all?

    I guess here’s hoping that I’ll feel better over the weekend and be ready to resume cold calling on Monday, but right now I feel like I’ll never feel competent or accomplished in my career ever again

    • I don’t know anything about your industry, but I think if your management thinks you’re doing a good job you probably are. I also think I tend to feel the way you’re describing in January just because winter. Can you maybe try to get outside and into the sun during the day for a few minutes a day? It helps me feel better about life generally, which helps me focus on the things I need to get done.

    • “The point of it all” was that you got a big bonus. Wealth Management, particularly at the big banks, is a lot like biglaw in that you get a big bonus even when you don’t feel like you have added a ton of value. It’s an investment into your future potential, a buying of your time, and a way to keep you until you are producing. The big bonus won’t always follow through if you are not producing for years to come, but that’s not right now.

      You may want to have you baby weaned or wait a few more months before you decide whether this is for you or not. Are you working with any mentors or senior leadership? I’d be surprise if you weren’t, but I can’t tell what level you are. As you know, cold calling is about volume and you may get hits, but the best bet is to have a lot of warm/hot channels. In other words, are there any clients that ADORE you? It’s your job to make the ask – when appropriate – to be introduced to other connections those clients may have. I’m sure this is hard for you at this stage of parenthood, but the best people I know at this job are involved in ‘extra-curriculars,’ i.e. they really work their network, they join boards, attend philanthropic events, etc. But likely your numbers are based on revenue which means both new clients as well as new money from existing clients. To that end, do your clients feel like you know them and understand them? Do they trust you? Or are you just someone they pay to manage their money that they only hear from when you need something signed? (In which case, why should they give you guys more money vs. another bank?)

    • I am sure you’ve heard this all before, but for my friends from b-school who went into PWM at places like Goldman, some of them didn’t land a client for YEARS. Like 2-3 years, but when they did land that client, everything snowballed and it was awesome. You know the sales cycle is long for UHNW PWM. You got this. Keep working your contacts and cold calling and networking. It’s going to pan out. And even if it doesn’t, you will join a team or a firm where it does work out. You got this!!!

    • KateMiddletown :

      Hey we should be friends! I’m in the same biz but at a more regional RIA. We don’t get big bonuses unless we actually do bring in business, so consider that a huge reason for enjoying your current position. They know the sales cycle is long, but they have to keep giving you the pressure to bring in clients anyway.

      I’ve found that having a conversation w/ my manager about my motivators – I don’t respond well to the traditional boys club atmosphere, unsurprisingly, so I’ve had to be upfront with him and tell him the competitive d*ck measuring isn’t my thing. I’ve also had to find some advocates to help him understand that. I worked w/ a career coach last quarter and she helped me clarify and explain this (without saying d*ick measuring).

      On the baby front, I struggle with this too, but in reality, this is actually a great business for working moms. You can lean in and lean out as you need to. Unfortunately, your peers probably don’t lean out the same way (ie they’re not nursing moms and likely have SAHWs), but this is a marathon not a sprint, and you’ll gain a lot from caring for yourself during the times when family is taking a bigger slice of your pie. I have a grade-school kid and we’re TTC right now so I’ll let you know if my own advice works soon, haha.

    • Fellow salesperson here. A few thoughts:
      1) Management seems well aware that it’s a very long sales cycle and that they need to invest lots of time in people, which is why you’re getting the feedback (and bonus!) you’re getting. Trust that there’s nothing wrong with you or the job you’re doing.
      2) Reevaluate what you mean by ‘traction.’ In trust-based, less transactional sort of sales roles, you generally make sales by qualifying and nurturing leads, not via a single cold call. Are you finding ways of staying in touch with and building some sort of rapport with any of the targets you’re calling? If not, why not? And if so, then that’s exactly the sort of traction that will lead to sales down the road.
      3) Generally the only way people close deals within the first few quarters in roles like this is if they’re handed accounts to upsell. Also, are there any old leads or accounts that have been lost that you can try re-engaging? Maybe ask your boss?
      4) Are you only cold calling, or are you using social media, networking, etc? Way easier to build a relationship that way.
      5) Everyone hates cold calling. It’s brutal. Stick with it.
      6) Next time, consider looking for a role that is half hunting and half farming- some companies hand new reps a small portfolio to work on while they build their own pipeline for exactly this reason.

    • Anonymous :

      No one’s addressed this aspect of it yet, so I’ll chime in and say that at least part of it may be weaning related. I become a full on psycho-hosebeast while weaning. It’s like PMS + 1000. I think some get weepy. I get anxious, angry and irritable. Give it a couple of weeks and see…

      • YES
        Weaning stops the “feel good” hormone that nursing releases, so you are kinda in withdrawal from the happy feelings. I turned into a total beast also and it took me a while to figure out why.

        • Thank you both for this! I’ve been anxious, impatient, and cry at the drop of a hat. Maybe it will clear in a few weeks.

  4. Kitchen Nightmare :

    What’s the best organizing thing you’ve ever bought for your kitchen? I’m sick of a messy pantry, piles of disorganized pots and pans, and overstuffed drawers. After purging a good bit of stuff, I need ways to corral items to keep them where they belong.

    • Tea caddy.

    • Anony Mouse :

      We have an old CD rack that we started using to store the plastic lids that go with our Pyrex containers. It’s made a big difference in our cabinet!

      • Anonymous :

        Wire racks that allow us to store pot lids, griddles, cutting boards, muffin tins, and baking trays standing up on their sides so we don’t have to pull things out of stacks.
        The plastic drawer organizers where you choose the pieces you need and snap them together (not the kind that are preconfigured).
        Low wire shelves to subdivide vertical space so you don’t have to stack as many things together (e.g., put large plates on the cabinet shelf and small plates above them on a wire shelf).
        Otherwise, getting rid of enough stuff that you don’t need organizers.

      • cat socks :

        Oooh, I like the CD rack idea. Right now I have a separate basket for lids, but it’s still sometimes hard to keep them organized that way.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Bars with hooks from IKEA. I hang most of our kitchen utensils behind the sink, and all but the soup pots go on the wall. Pour-over, moka pot, and oven mitts over the back of the stove (which I would not do if we had a gas stove).

      For the fridge, Fridge Binz, to keep drawers of jams, pickles, assorted random condiments in a way that is easily found and organized. For the pantry, differently sized wire baskets from Home Goods for categories of things, like rices/grains, pasta, sugars, flours, nuts and dried fruits, baking decorating accouterments, snacks. Fridge Binz for other ingredients that I put in the back for specific types of meals (I have a Japanese food ingredients bin and an Indian food ingredients bin). I tried to figure out a way to organize spices without taking up a lot of space, but then I gave up and bought a tiered rack and devoted an entire shelf to them.

      We’re also pretty strict about not buying a lot of appliances. We have a big kitchen, but not a lot of actual storage space, or counter space with outlets. We were gifted a KitchenAid and a food processor, but other than that, we have a small rice cooker, a Nutribullet, a coffee maker, coffee grinder, and a toaster. I’ve agonized for a year over getting a toaster oven to replace our temperamental toaster, and I’m still undecided, because it will take up more space. Same with a smart rice cooker and an InstaPot.

      • cat socks :

        If you’re considering a toaster oven it can also be used to heat up frozen foods, roast veggies, etc without turning on the big oven.

        • Baconpancakes :

          I know, I love them! And the most important part – you can quickly bring the toaster oven to temp to cook two frozen cookie dough pucks! But our counterspace is SO limited. We have three 2’x2′ counter squares. I think if we get rid of the knife block and hang the knives on the wall, I’ll go for it.

          • Gotcha! I understand wanting to conserve counters pace. And yes, it enables my cookie eating habit too!

          • My first apartment happened to a magnetic knife strip on the wall installed by the previous tenant and it sold me on hanging knives forever. Ditch the knife block. Buy the toaster. Enjoy the [email protected] look of knives on the wall.

          • My toaster oven lives on the bottom shelf of my island, and I just pull it out when I want to use it. In my old apartment it lived on the top of my fridge when I wasn’t using it. It’s still so worth it! Frozen cookie dough is still my favorite thing to cook in it, but I also broil one or two servings of fish, or roast veggies without having to heat up my entire apartment in the summer.

    • lazy susans for spices and under shelf racks for plastic lids

    • cat socks :

      For pots and pans, I bought a rack where skillets can be stored vertically. I also store my cookie sheets and cutting boards the same way. I bought a dish rack to corral all the lids for pots and pans.

      One drawer has vertical dividers that are adjustable so I can make one column wider if needed. I purged a lot of utensils when we moved a few years ago and kept only multiples of ones I use fairly often – rubber spatulas and tongs.

      In the pantry, I’ve gotten baskets at the dollar store and Big Lots to hold like items together rather than just keeping them on the shelf.

    • The quarantine bag or box. It’s a tip I got from Alton Brown book. You start with most of your cooking utensils, or pots, or pans, or baking dishes that you rarely use, and they’re in the quarantine box. If you use them within six months or a year they get to come out of the box. Otherwise they get donated.

      • Kitchen Nightmare :

        I love the quarantine box method! I’ve used it for my closet, my kitchen, and electronics (so many random cords hanging around). I just got rid of the things from the kitchen one, so I’m looking at how best to organize what I have left. It’s not that I have more stuff than I have room, it’s just that I don’t think I’m using my space well to store the stuff I use regularly.

    • Sliding shelf/semi drawer things by Lynk purchased from either bed bath and beyond or the container store. For under cabinet storage, and I use them specifically for pots/pans. This way, the whole shelf slides out (very easily!) and nothing is hiding in the back corner of the cabinet. They’re not cheap ($50.00) but so worth it because you can SEE everything.

      I like the lynk ones because they are sturdy and pull out the entire way. Can’t recommend it enough.

    • Lazy susans for allllll the small stuff. Spice jars, oil, vitamins, honey….

    • Magnetic spice jars. I mounted a stainless steel plate on the inside of my pantry cabinet doors and put all my most common spices in magnetic jars. They then went on the plate in alphabetical order. It has seriously changed my cooking life – so quick and easy.

    • We bought a spice rack for a narrow, basically unusable cabinet from a small company in Minnesota called Vertical Spice. It was more expensive than we’d originally planned but it made the narrow cabinet useful, got the spices out of another cabinet to make that one usable for other things, and we LOVE it. I highly, highly recommend these pull out spice racks if you need something like that. I swear I’m not a shill for a random spice rack company in Minnesota!

    • Senior Attorney :

      It was a project, but the best thing I ever did was hang cup hooks on the bottom of the shelves in the kitchen cabinets so the mugs and cups hang instead of sit. Doubled the space in the cabinets! Also on a macro level, pull outs for the lower cabinets. So great.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Until I moved into my first apartment I legitimately did not realize this was not a thing everyone did. My parents and grandparents had the same setup. I haven’t done it in my apartment because damage deposits, but I would if I could. Coffee cups take up a stupid amount of cabinet space.

        For my hack: Pasta goes in an IKEA magazine holder. Spaghetti in the back, bags in the front.

    • This drawer organizer for large utensils, etc:

  5. With the help of some gift cards, I finally bit the bullet and bought some La Canadienne boots. I love them, but I’m trying to decide between two pairs – the Scarlet and the Sterling. Can I get some opinions? I’m looking for the pair that is likely to be more classic so I can keep wearing them for several years. I’ll post links below.

    • Scarlet:

      • Hmm, my sort of not helpful answer is: I like the look of the suede (Sterling) but I think the leather on the Scarlet is more classic. If it’s not super wet/snowy where you are, I’d go for the Sterlings and maybe waterproof them. They’re both beautiful!

  6. My curiosity is getting the best of me: I’d like to try MM LaFleur. Any recs for the best dress (for work) for a tall, super-apple? I’m size 14, very long-waisted and a C cup. Thanks!

    • I would try a bento. The stylists know what they’re doing, know the dresses, and can probably do a better job than a bunch of randoms can. Plus your first bento is free.

      • Baconpancakes :

        But don’t be afraid to send it back and ask for exactly what you want. I had three Bentos with +1 dresses, and told my stylist after every single one that the tops and waists of the dresses were gigantic on me, the bottoms fit fine, and the dresses were wildly unflattering. It wasn’t until I specifically asked what the difference was between 16’s and +1’s that I found out there’s a 1″ difference in the hips between the two sizes, and the tops and waists were cut more generously in the +1. I asked for a box of size 16 dresses, and lo and behold, the Annie in 16 fit so beautifully I almost cried.

    • From another very long-waisted person: Look for the “tall-friendly” items. I’ve still needed to have most of these altered, but after alterations they work well. I didn’t even need any alterations on the Annie.

    • Trying again since my first response got caught in mod. Look for styles labeled “tall-friendly.” They may still need alterations, but everything does anyway.

    • AnonInfinity :

      I just tried my first one and just got a Bento. Because I didn’t have anything specific I wanted to try, they sent me a variety of dresses in a few different sizes. I absolutely LOVE one of them and a skirt that was in the box. I gave very detailed feedback on the fit of the other dresses (even the dress I ended up keeping), so hopefully my next box will have better fits. I also had the opportunity to set up a call with the person who put my box together before she did that, but I wasn’t available in the time frame.

  7. Food Odor :

    What do you apartment/condo dwellers do about food smells in the winter? I live in a condo that doesn’t get a lot of outside air circulation. I like to cook a lot and while our condo doesn’t smell gross…it just always smells like last night’s dinner (which I guess could be gross to some people). It’s not like I’m pan-frying fish, but even if I make a lasagna or something the smell lingers. I always notice it when I walk in, but get used to it after a few minutes and don’t notice again until I leave and then come back. Our condo is small (~1000 sf) and pretty open, so the smell isn’t confined to the kitchen.

    In the summer this is much less of an issue because we can have our windows open at night. But I live in a cold midwest city and leaving the windows open right now is not an option. We have a HEPA filter for dust/dander, and it’s supposed to help with odor, but I haven’t noticed any difference.

    Is there any way to get rid of the smells? Or do I just have to try and mask it with other scents? I’m always embarrassed when I invite people over (unless it’s a dinner party…when it’s supposed to smell like something is cooking). Would you be grossed out by a condo that smells like food?

    • What about lighting a candle? It helps in my condo. Also using the vent fan while I cook.

      • I’m guessing that like myself, the OP has a recirculating vent fan which honestly does nothing to help with the smell. Not sure if anyone has come across one that does? I’m kind of surprised someone hasn’t invented some sort of industrial filter one for apartments by now.

      • + 1 to candles and vent

      • Recirculating vent fans have filters. Maybe a quick trip to Home Depot to replace the filter, of a yucky scrubbing session of you current filter. Can’t hurt.

    • +1 following because I have the exact same problem and have never figured out a good solution!

    • Febreze air purifier with a charcoal filter.

    • I have a bedroom in my house that’s all my clothes and getting ready stuff, and I keep the door closed so our cats don’t get in and get cat hair all over everything. However, the room is above our kitchen and food smells linger like crazy in there. I find that my clothes generally don’t hold the smell and a candle does the trick if it’s really strong. Usually keeping the door open for a couple of hours clears it out.

    • I have a an air filter unit thing that has three different blower levels – low, medium, high. I find that turning it up to medium or high really helps with cooking smells in my smallish apartment. Sorry I can’t be more specific about what it is, it’s several years old. It’s a tower-style thing, so about 3ft tall, but relatively narrow.

      Another thing that sort of helps is placing small bowls of white vinegar around your place. Sounds weird, but it seems to help and it doesn’t make your place smell like vinegar.

      Pro tip – if you have wet clothes drying on a rack in your bedroom, and are caramelizing onions in the kitchen, BE SURE TO CLOSE THE BEDROOM DOOR!! Otherwise, you will be working out at the gym, and wondering why the heck you are smelling onions, and you will realize, it’s the gym clothes that were drying on the rack.

    • I live in a one-bedroom apartment, cook frequently, and have the same issue. I typically light a strongly scented candle in the living room (which is next to the kitchen), which helps absorb the smell. My favorite are the Capri blue, because the scent is amazing. Other than that, I also run the vent over the stove/oven while I cook to help diffuse the smell. Overhead fans, if you have them, are also your friend.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Open a door or window for a minute or so, even if it is 5 degrees out. My house smells so much better after I’ve stood in my door calling my dog back inside. Stagnant air with food smells are the worst.

      • I live in NYC and always keep my kitchen window open an inch or so for this reason. That and our building is always hot (even without turning on the heat).

      • This. I open the doors/windows wide open for 5-10 minutes every day or two even when it’s freezing (Canada). It freshens things up so nicely.

    • Linda from HR :

      I usually have a go-to, food-smelling candle that matches the season, that I light after cooking. I might also crack open a window just for a little bit, while I’m off eating or digesting and won’t be in the kitchen. This, obviously, won’t work as well if your kitchen is in an open-plan setup and/or doesn’t have a window.

    • Crack the window a tiny bit (even in winter) and buy an air purifier. Masking it with scented candles sounds disgusting to me – last night’s pasta mixed with artificial “hibiscus” or something seems like it would smell WAY worse.

    • Close your doors when you cook so the smell is confined to the kitchen area and not the bedrooms. Crack open the windows with a fan while you are cooking so that the steam is escaping. You can close them when you are done if it’s not too cold.

      And I’m surprised no one has mentioned this or if it’s a secret from my family, but vinegar! Not just to wipe down surfaces after you cook, but leave out a shallow plate of white vinegar overnight (or as long as you’d like) and it absorbs all smells – cigar smoke, cooked fish, stale air, you name it. If the place is actually clean and it’s just the smell that lingers, it works like magic!

    • I close all the bedroom doors when I am cooking something with a strong scent. Besides candles, simmering water with cinnamon, clove etc. is somewhat helpful. Cracking the window while cooking is helpful too.

    • Food Odor :

      Thanks for the suggestions all! I’d rather not mask the scent (I feel like it won’t work…) so I’ll try cracking the windows and leaving some vinegar out overnight for the next week or so…hope it helps!

  8. Mole removal? :

    Went to the dermatologist yesterday and she is recommending that a large mole on my face get biopsied. I agree but very nervous about it due to the location. She would shave it off and send it for testing, which she claims would leave very minimal scarring since it is a large, raised, flesh colored mole. My research so far seems to concur that shaving it is the best option for minimal scarring (unless the test result comes back bad and it has to be dug out). I’ve heard people should go to a plastic surgeon for removal but where this doesn’t actually require extraction/surgery it seems that it matters a lot less. I haven’t gone to her long but she seems very trustworthy and confident that it can be done easily, but I wanted to see if anyone else has experience with this. She thinks I would be able to cover it easily within maybe five days but I’d love to hear actual experiences. I am in a client facing job so minimal downtime would be ideal.

    • Had a 3mm one shaved off my chin by a dermatologist – wore a bandaid over it for about 24 hours and then just had a scab there for a bit and it didn’t really look any different than if I had a zit on my face. That was maybe 10 years ago and I don’t have a colored scar but there is a bump (same color as the rest of my face) where it used to be. Haven’t had any issues with it.

    • I had a small mole removed from my face a number of years ago. A dermatologist performed the procedure and shaved it off. I wore a small round Baid-Aid over the spot for a day or two and then just left it alone. I don’t think anyone noticed – or if they did, they didn’t say anything to me. It was off to the side, kind of along my jawline, which I think made it not super noticeable. (Side note: my mole did grow back, which the derm had warned me was possible.)

    • Given that it’s large and raised, I would go to a plastic surgeon. You’re better off safe than sorry and I’ve heard too many stories about scarring from derms removing moles.

    • shaving is the low-scarring way to do it and I wouldn’t be put off at all by that. Now, if the results come back and say they need to dig more out, then you’re going to have a scar and I’d consider getting a plastic surgeon involved at that point.

      But that is super unlikely so don’t get too panicked, especially with a skin colored mole.

    • S in Chicago :

      I had a derm shave off some on my chest–I now have big scars. It’s your face, so I’d see if a plastic surgeon can do.

    • Anonymous :

      Plastic surgeon if it’s on your face. I’ve consistently (for every procedure I’ve ever had) found that my expectation of “minimal scarring” differs from that of my doctors. If it won’t break the bank, I would take the cautious road.

  9. Tired first year :

    I’m a first year in biglaw working in a group that is highly dysfunctional. It’s small, and there’s a huge divide between the partners. They basically function in teams, so no one knows my full workload/is managing it. Most of the older associates have picked teams but I haven’t and would like to keep working for both for as long as possible. The problem isn’t necessarily the workload, but the length of the workday I’m expected to put in M-F (weekend work is a lot but I can deal). For example, I worked until midnight two nights this week in order to get things out that had to be completed by the morning, and then I’m expected to be in the office before/by 9 for other work. I know late nights are expected, and I have no qualms about working hard. The problem is when they’re back to back and expected more often than not. (last week I didn’t leave before 10 4 out of 5 days). It’s getting to the point where I just need more sleep. After two midnight+ nights, I get exhausted around 4 the next day and my work quality suffers (helloooo typos). I’ve tried to push back on deadlines when they’re assigned saying the soonest I can get to this is X or I have a full plate but it’s completely ignored. So, here are my questions:
    1) at what point is this unreasonable? Is this just biglaw, and it’s what I signed up for? If so, any suggestions on how to avoid the exhaustion? Caffeine isn’t cutting it.
    2) even if reasonable, is this expected of me? I get the whole “never complain” mentality but I don’t understand how this 15+ hours days can be expected. It’s a regulatory practice, not litigation, so there’s no cyclical component. It’s constant.
    3) if this is something I can mitigate to some degree, how do I go about doing it?

    • When you get an assignment from partners or senior associates, do you discuss timelines? During those conversations, say something like “I am currently working on Project for Partner X, which is due by Monday. Can I start on it after I am done with that?”

      The reality is that the only person that can manage your workload is you. For your own sanity, and work reputation, you need to be upfront about what you are working on and what you can feasibly take on.

      FWIW, I work in a regulatory practice too. There is a big divide in the industry based on which aspect you work in, with little crossover. That created a divide in the group I work for, but they all get along no problem.

      • The only thing worse than saying “no” to an assignment is saying “yes” and producing a crappy work product. You say you’re a first year, so I would recommend letting the partners fight over your time. Just as Cookie says above, lay it all out – what you are working on, what the deadlines of those assignments are, what the timelines of the next assignment is, etc. A partner is just going to better understand how long something might take, and it’s up to them to figure it out with the other partners.

      • Okay, so I re-read your post. Seems like you mention that there are time constraints. How firm are you when you say this? Is there a way that you can phrase it that would require a response from the partner? I would suggest using a question to put the time-management ball in their court vs a statement by you.

    • I agree with the recommendations above re: setting expectations.

      That said.. those hours don’t sound extreme for a junior in biglaw. My best tip for dealing with the hours is to immediately go to sleep once getting home (don’t get sucked into checking your phone or watching tv). Also, outsource as much as you can.

      • There are different kinds of Big Law (Skadden is very different than a firm near the bottom of the AmLaw 200) but those hours would have been pretty extreme at my AmLaw 50 firm. I had midnight filings at least once per week but it wasn’t every day and I didn’t have to be in the office at 9 am the next day. Thanks to a short commute and going in closer to 10 am when I’d had a late night, I was pretty much always able to get 8 hours of sleep. Trial was the only situation where I experienced sustained sleep deprivation.

        • And most weekdays I worked more like 9-8 or 10-9. Working until midnight without a pressing deadline was very rare.

        • Anonymous :

          +1, NYC AmLaw 50 here, and only work hours like that without a break during trial. Otherwise my days and weeks fluctuate enough to get sleep and have somewhat of a social life. Working 15+ hour days without a break (and every weekend both days??) will lead to burnout very fast.

          I agree with having partners fight over your time. The next time you get an assignment with a short deadline, can you say “happy to help if x partner allows me to” and put it back in their court? Or “let me check with x partner as I have another pressing deadline coming up.” Then plead your case to the partner you’re working with.

          I find that saying no to work and balancing my workload are the hardest parts of my job!

    • Full of ideas :

      I’m in Big law, third year. These hours seem pretty normal to me, not for months at a time, but I definitely have weeks that go by like this. I agree with the go to bed right away advice. Also, can you take a 20 min nap in the wellness room? I schedule myself naps when work is crazy. If your schedule is this busy for months at a time, you should talk to someone – do you have a group leader? One of the hardest parts of the job is balancing the amount of work…

  10. Any suggestions for a hard copy planner with monthly/weekly/daily views?

    • Anonymous :

      Create your own bullet journal style? Otherwise, I think that Daytimer has some options. If you need true daily timesheet styles, you may be moving into a binder style.

      • I find bullets so overwhelming and time-consuming. I look at other people’s museum-ready ones and get so discouraged. I like having it pre-made for me.

        • I know what you mean but my bullet journal is as basic as it gets and is definitely not going to win any awards for prettiness.

          I like it better than a pre formatted planner because some days I may only need two lines, but other days I may need a whole page.

          I do the very basics.

          I use the first 4 pages to do a month view, each month getting a third of the page. I add things like vacations and conferences and known business travel there.

          Then for January, I have one page that has 1,2,3,4 and so forth in a vertical row on the left of the page. I put more specific stuff there, including birthdays.

          Then the subsequent pages are daily entries, which are my to-do list for the day. I put appointments in the header.

          Today would be

          0125 Thursday 10:30 Susie 1:00 Alex
          . Call Tom about x
          . Send documents to John
          . Start expense report for January
          . Finalize slides

          And then if i end up having voicemails, conference calls or meetings where I make some notes I put them right underneath. I also get additional to-dos out of those meetings and the emails I receive during the day.

          Anything I finish today will have the . turned into an x. Anything i don’t finish will get a > and that means it goes on tomorrow’s list. This is a good habit for me because if I have to keep writing it down it makes me just get it done. Like finalize slides, ugh I hate that one, but today is the third day I wrote it so I think I am really going to do it today so I don’t have to write it again tomorrow

          Any task I no longer have to do gets crossed off. His makes for a not-pretty but very clear and efficient to-do system.

          I don’t start tomorrow’s entry until today is done. Sometimes I write down a few things for tomorrow at the end of the work day, sometimes I start today’s entry in the morning.

          I don’t start next month until this month is finished, so that gives me as many pages as I need for January.

          I have pages for reference in the back of my book. I have a page for commonly used system codes, two pages for planning an upcoming offsite meeting, a page that is a list of my family’s favorite meals (I do all the cooking in my house) etc.

          Does that make sense?

    • Second on the do it yourself bullet journal. It’s been a huge productivity boon for me

    • Not the OP – but resources for creating a bullet journal? How long did it take you to set it up? I’m interested but overwhelmed.

      • I found this page most useful:

      • This page is also useful:

        It took me about an hour to set-up the initial Yearly, Monthly, and first Weekly. After that, it has taken me about 15 minutes to set up each subsequent week.

      • I read a couple of blog posts and the intro video and probably only use about 1/3 of what the official website uses. For me, the best part is the Index. That gives me confidence that whatever I write will be found again. My advice is to be flexible – If you use a monthly calendar for February and decide it sucks, no big deal. Don’t make one for March. Decide you need to daily pages as well as monthly? Great, start doing that! You can try out what works for you without committing to preprinted pages.

    • For those of you who bullet journal, how much work stuff do you include in it? I’m considering including travel, networking events, and business development type stuff, but not actual client matters or deadlines.

      FWIW, I’m a lawyer, so I’m hesitant to include client information with any detail or identifying info. Also, I’m pretty organized at work, and I track my time, so I don’t really need another record of what I do at work.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Lawyer here who loves her bujo! (though I’ll confess to having a crafty/pinteresty streak, so I also love any excuse to use markers…)

        How much work stuff do I put in it? None. Well, my monthly overviews have a thin column entitled “where am i?” where I can note work travel so I don’t book fun things and then realize I can’t do them because I have to be somewhere else. And I guess sometimes my journal says things like, “Went out with [colleague] after [meeting]. I hope she doesn’t think I’m a weirdo.”

        But generally I have a rule against mixing work and personal records and plans: different phones, different email addresses, and definitely different calendars.

    • I’ve never used it but the Japanese planner, hobinochi? It looks amazing but I know myself, and a bullet journal works for me.

    • I ended up getting the Ink & Volt this year… I’m liking it so far (but added month tabs to the monthly pages). it’s got a lot of “goals” stuff, which i wasn’t necessarily looking for, but it’s been helping me keep track of little and big to-dos.

      the daily is really part of the 2 page week spread (broken down into morning/day/night) which is the format I like anyway (the 5 week days spread across the page in vertical columns)

    • I just bought a Hobonichi Techo this year and I love it! It allows for some bullet journal type concepts, but has a little bit of existing structure already built in.

  11. night owl :

    I have finally come to accept that no matter how hard i try, I’m not going to be a morning person. However that really affects my ability to exercise as I’m usually too tired right after work to work out, and if do later at night i tend to stay awake and sleep even later. I’d love to do lunch workouts but mostly the day gets away from me. my morning person partner has been very patient with me and ideally wants us to quirk out together. Tips? Advice?

    • Baconpancakes :

      I have to do it after work, or it won’t get done. I actually am a morning person, but my SO is a night owl, and so I don’t go to bed and get up as early as I’d like because I’d rather hang out with him at night. For some reason, wearing my gym clothes to commute to work (showered, hair done, makeup done, just wearing gym clothes), and then changing in my office, makes me more likely to change back into gym clothes right after work and head to the gym. Maybe it’s a feeling of needing to complete the task I’ve already started?

      Another thing that helps is making it harder to make excuses. Gym right by the office, making exercise class dates with friends, always keeping extra gym clothes at work in case you “forget” to bring them, etc.

      • Kitchen Nightmare :

        +1 all my gym clothes live at work. I have a bag of gym clothes that stays under my desk. When all the clothes are dirty I take it home, wash everything, and repack the bag. No. Excuses.

    • Anonymous :

      At some point you have to accept that whether or not you are a morning person, if you want to work out and that’s the only time you just gotta suck it up and get out of bed. You can. You just don’t want to (neither do I!). But you can.

    • Anonymous :

      I had no advice and I know this was a typo, but I kind of love the idea of “quirk[ing] out” together in the morning!

      • Came here to say exactly this!

        Believe me, my partner and I quirk out together all the time. And we try to be supportive of one another when we quirk out alone.

    • I totally feel you. My best friend used to be more of a night owl but now she gets up at 5am every day. She says she stayed up too late one night and was very tired the next day, so she went to bed at 10pm and and has been trying to maintain that schedule ever since. I’m sure it would get easier the longer you do it.
      I’m still a night owl and definitely prefer working out at lunch time. The only way I can do it is if I make a plan to work out at lunch and mark it on my calendar so it feels more like an important meeting. Good luck!

    • Honestly, I was that person and after years of making excuses, I forced myself to work out in the morning. It is life changing. I went from being grumpy until 10am to being annoyingly chirpy pre-coffee.

      It was really hard to get started but once I started getting up early, I would get so tired by 9pm so I would just let myself go to sleep by 10. and once you start going to bed early, it’s easier to wake up early.

    • I’m a night owl too, but I’ve found that a dawn-simulating lamp really makes it easier to roll out of bed for a morning workout. If you’re really interested in working out before work, you might consider that.

      Otherwise, I’m 100% in favor of stopping by the gym on your way home. If you’re tired after work but not too tired to work out later that same evening, you may find that making a little relaxation part of your gym routine is the secret. Have a nice cup of tea at a near by coffee shop to mentally separate you from work and the gym. Read a trashy magazine on the spin bike to distract from work thoughts. Do ten minutes of yoga before starting cardio or weights. Or change clothes at work. I find that physically changing my clothes is a huge help in changing my mindset.

      • +1 – go after work. Are you physically tired, or just mentally tired? If the later, you can still get to the gym – just maybe do something that’s doesn’t take a lot of brain power to manage.

        • you’re right, it’s mentally tired… as in can i just get out of work clothes and cuddle up in a couch in my pjs with my partner type of tired… yes, my mom already told me that the word for it is ‘laziness’

          • Anonymous :

            Decide at the beginning of the day what kind of work out you are going to do (run, weight lifting circuit, class, whatever) – doing it a couple times will be hard, but then you’ll get into a routine. That way you don’t have to make any decisions about doing the workout (which circumvents the mental tiredness/decision fatigue), but gets your physical exercise in.

            Getting into the routine will be the hardest part, so do whatever you can ahead of time to make it easy (gym is nearby, easy to get to, you like the locker rooms, like the equipment, you can watch HGTV at the gym, but not home, its where you listen to your favorite podcast, you have a gym buddy that meets you there, etc.)

    • Even if you feel “too tired” after work, just go! I find that even if I’m tired, once I get going, I get a burst of energy and am happy I worked out.

      Tell yourself you can stop after 15 minutes if you are really too tired. I find that psyching myself out that way helps me get my … self… to the gym, and once I get going, I keep going.

    • Sleep in your workout clothes?

  12. What have other litigators done when they’ve left their firms?!? I’m a 7th year who recently found out that partner isn’t a possibility (there were conversations earlier indicating otherwise), and from what I’ve heard from recruiters litigators are a dime a dozen in NY. I don’t work in finance specifically – more general/tech litigation – so it seems like I’m even worse off then most people since banking is where most people go in-house. I’m working my networks, talking to friends, but am starting to be worried. I can’t take a huge pay cut since I’m the primary breadwinner and we’ve got kids and a mortgage. Any places I should look that I may not have thought of previously? I really appreciate any advice anyone can offer.

    • Offroads for litigators are tough. You could look at smaller firms or going to a regulator that has an in-house litigation department – both would likely involve pay cuts but they may be more manageable. You might also want to consider a lateral move to a practice group that works in a more targeted industry (like finance if you’re in NYC) and try to get as much exposure to the special issues in that area (i.e. learn the regulatory hurdles v how to write a good MSJ) as you can and try to use that experience in a few years to transition in-house. Basically, to go in-house with ease (which has its own set of off-ramps into the business side) you need to bring knowledge of an in-house practice area. The big ones are contracting (often tied closely to IP issues), employment law, and the specific industry of the company (depends on your geography, sounds like that’s finance for you). If another big firm doesn’t work, try to find a smaller firm that will expose you to these areas so you can make a case for yourself. Also, network network network. Make your loose contacts tight contacts – I think this is the most overlooked part of job searches and the most key to convincing someone to take a chance on you even if you don’t hit all the boxes. I’d start an active move now, too – 7 years isn’t death, but very close to up or out and you need a plan now. Good luck.

      • Thanks so much Scarlett! I’m throwing myself into the job hunt, but don’t want to feel like I’m missing any options. This is really helpful – and I think you’re right that I potentially need to think of this is more long term (i.e., the move after the next move).

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      I know some who have become career clerks for state and federal judges. Or, in one case, got a position as a federal magistrate judge. Certainly a paycut from Biglaw, but some have good salaries depending on level and it seems like a pretty good lifestyle.

      • +1. I know someone who did this (career clerk) and she has been super happy. She was pretty miserable in private practice and this has been a great change.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I did this for a while and it great. Lifestyle is amazing, work is super interesting and important. Only downside is it’s quite solitary.

        • Thanks for the feedback! Unfortunately, I think government work is likely out since I can’t take a huge pay cut (one of our kids has a medical condition that is expensive to manage, and we prefer that my husband be at home with her full time). But I’ve done some pro bono work in front of ALJs and that always seemed like such a cool job.

    • Have you thought of working in the NY Law Department? I have friends who do this and love it! It is general lit, pays well but not biglaw well.

      Other firms that have a longer runway to partner might want a seventh year too. The risk is that you lateral and are made counsel instead of partner, but counsel is still a great salary.

      I also think you need to adjust your expectations re pay–you will need to take some sort of paycut, bigger or smaller–Golden Handcuffs. Biglaw salary is not going to happen if you go in house. It’s not. So start living more leanly now, or try to go into biglaw elsewhere or midlaw.

    • If making 300k+ is necessary, honestly your option is to lateral to another biglaw firm and try for partner or counsel there. There is no exit that pays that much. The best paid exit tends to be in house at the big investment banks – if you’re able to land that job amongst 800000 applicants, you’re still looking at 250k. If money/COL are an issue, have you considered another city where money goes further? Not suggesting you have to move to Oklahoma but I moved to DC for a 180k govt job and am shocked how far money goes down here even as people tell me this city is getting expensive.

      • $300K + isn’t necessary, but I don’t think we could go much under $200K because of our family situation. We’re considering other cities as well, DC is potentially something to look into. Thank you for the advice.

  13. is anyone doing the menswear challenge today? I don’t really have anything menswear-inspired in my closet. I do have some Oxford type shoes, but it’s raining today and I’d rather wear my Aquatalia ankle boots. I might put something together with my window pane shell and call it a day.

    If you’re doing it, I’d love to hear what you put together.

    • I keep seeing everyone talking about these, but I guess I missed the original discussion. Can someone tell me where to find these challenges??

      • There’s a link to sign up for the weekly email in several of the recent posts. The most recent one I remember was the Friday afternoon post.

        If you post a burner email address here I am sure someone will send you this weeks email

      • th!ss!te/work-outfit-ideas/

    • Baconpancakes :

      I had planned to wear black loafers with a navy Elsa Ottoman dress and a black St. Ambroeus jardigan, but then I realized I had to do a site visit today, and needed pants. It’s too warm for any of my sweaters over a collared shirt, and I don’t have any menswear patterns or professional vests (lol, as a 36E/F, that would be hilarious). So *shrug* I’ll skip today.

    • I’m calling my top “menswear inspired” because DH and I ended up wearing almost exactly the same outfit today- light blue cotton button down, grey pants, black shoes. I added a light green cardigan and a multicolored statement necklace though.

    • I am, and I had a similarly difficult time getting an outfit together. I ended up in a sweater over a button-down with trousers and heels, and stud earrings.

    • The Frenchie Is My Favorite Kid :

      I am either accidentally doing the menswear challenge OR the email is imbedded in my subconscious because I’m wearing oxford shoes that I never wear. My feet were cold. So even though they are (probably) a bit dork-tastic (I may not have made the wisest choice when I purchased this pair), they work with my pants and I’m wearing them ;)

      I have failed at all of the challenges this week.

    • This was a hard one for me because I don’t have anything that can be called menswear-inspired (pinstripes, vests, button-downs, loafers, etc). so I had to get creative. I went with “menswear colors” and am wearing a navy sheath dress, oxblood cardigan, brown belt and brown heels with buckle detail. Oh and I wore “Je Suis Un Homme” perfume from Etat Libre d’Orange because … menswear :)

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yes! I had originally planned something fairly low-key (ankle pants, sweater, blazer, oxfords), but I told Lovely Husband about it and he got all excited about lending me one of his thousands of neckties. So I am Full Annie Hall with cobalt ankle pants, navy double breasted blazer with brass buttons, white shirt unbuttoned a bit, tie in shades of blue worn loose and low, and navy ankle strap pumps. And a very big tote as an homage to a man’s briefcase.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Black skinny pants, purple button up shirt that is currently tucked in but is unlikely to stay that way, Toms black and grey flowered oxfords, black and grey polka dot socks that peek out.

      There was a blazer and I just looked like I was wearing suit. I do not look like my Pinterest inspirations. 😂

    • Senior Attorney :

      Cannot begin to imagine why my post is in moderation…

    • I ended up copping out on the menswear challenge and just doing the monochromatic one again today because I enjoyed yesterday’s challenge. Today I’m in shades of slate blue and I feel very put together. I paired a silk blouse and cardigan in similar but not the same shades of off-blue and I like how they look together. Have never worn them together before but I will again now that I’ve done it.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I just realized my menswear look also qualifies for the “shades of” challenge! I’m giving myself extra credit for a two-fer.

    • nerfmobile :

      I have a shirtdress in a heavyweight cotton (with a touch of spandex) that is white with narrow faded blue and red stripes – very much a shirting look. It’s actually a summer dress so it is sleeveless, so I wore it with a classic black crewneck cashmere sweater with the collar out, and over black leggings. If I were go to another step further, I’d wear a narrow belt and classic penny loafers, but neither exist in my wardrobe now so I have left it loose and have on black flats.

  14. Has anyone started an ETSY store? What did you sell? Did you make any money from it?

    • +1 following. I have some beautiful pictures from my many travels, that I printed and hung in my apartment and was told by friends that they’d love something similar. Is there an actual market for this?

      • Honestly, no. Your friends were being nice and they enjoy your vacation photos because they have a personal connection to you. Unless you are a very big name photographer (like Gray Malin or similar) nobody wants to buy a stranger’s vacation photos.

        • Disagree.
          Don’t want to give too many details and out myself, but I worked for three years in a partnership program with Etsy, helping to educate people about how to start an Etsy store. One of my program participants was an amateur photographer who started out selling trip photos she had taken for herself. Not everyone has a great eye for photography and she really had an eye. Eventually she started taking NatGeo-style pictures of people, still lifes, etc. She offered them in several print sizes and they sold well.

          To the previous posters: Etsy has a program they run on certain cities called Etsy Craft Entrepreneurship, where you can take classes that show you how to run a store. The classes are designed so that you learn while doing and you exit the class with a fully-set-up, partially stocked store. There should be info on Etsy’s website. If you aren’t in a place where classes are being offered, Etsy has tons of resources online to help you get started, including videos, the online help community, and online resource documents. It’s really not hard to start a store; running a store can be hard if you have a full-time job because of time constraints.

          I had clients who sold jewelry, candles, soap, knit goods, baby blankets, baby clothes, dish towels, oil paintings, organic lube (really), natural hair products – you name it. The most important thing to do before you jump in is to get on Etsy and research in your category – what are shops selling? What seems to be selling well? How is it being marketed? Etsy is huge, and there’s tons of competition in every category, but with work and good marketing, people make money. I had people partially supporting their households from their Etsy money. It can also be a lot of fun.

        • Eh I don’t know that this is true. I love photography and have bought this sort of thing for my wall before.

        • Not true. A lot of photographers who are not big names do well on Etsy. My boss has some beautiful photographs in her office that she bought from Etsy.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      There used to be a regular poster on here who has a jewelry shop on etsy that I’ve bought things from (it’s this one:, but I don’t think she posts anymore.

    • I had one selling vintage clothes for a while. I enjoyed it but it was a lot of work and I stopped when I got a more interesting job. (I had started it as a creative outlet when I was bored in my previous job.)

  15. Which camp should I be in for my next tote?

    1. Spend ~$100 on something that looks great, but I can run into the ground and replace in about a year. (ie: Sole Society, which is my current tote that is 11 months old and fraying/scratched/not something I should bring to client meetings anymore).

    2. Spend maybe 5x that on something that should last. (and if you’re in this camp, help. what brand/bag do you own?)

    I’m a junior partner at a finance firm. Client facing role. Brands matter (ie: nothing “twee”), but not as much as just looking uber crisp, classic and polished. Bag will have a laptop and notebook daily, and an assortment of other things. Not utterly packed to the brim, but it’s a full bag more than it’s not. FYI I ordered the Dagne Dover Signature Leather in Coated Canvas and thought it looked really funny/oddly proportioned in person. Maybe I just bought the wrong bag?

    • I think this depends on how much you like change. I enjoy getting a new bag every year (at least) and often end up with something from Sole Society or BP so they aren’t expensive. I get more compliments on those bags than I would expect because they aren’t the best quality, but I think it’s because I can usually pick out something that is more fun than I would pick out for a bag I wanted to carry for several years.

    • Cuyana, classic zip tote, monogrammed with your initials. Boom.

      • Anonymous :

        I have one of these from Mark & Graham, which is a bit cheaper and still really lovely and classic. Also monogrammed.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I love my Dagne, but I was in the same boat recently and ended up with an unlined French Connection tote from Nordstrom Rack as a stop-gap. I’m going to buy the DD Allyn in oxblood as soon as it comes back in stock. (PS I have the largest Dagne, and I guess I understand that it’s a little big, but it’s the same size as the L neverfull and looks like a briefcase equivalent purse to me.)

    • Tumi classic tote – in the textured canvas/leather, not the nylon. Definitely an acceptable brand and not too fashiony and will last forever. Perfect for travel too

    • Marshmallow :

      I’m obsessed with my Lo and Sons Seville and it’s in the middle of those two extremes price-wise. It’s extremely crisp and classic, plus the interchangeable leather shells means it should last longer since I’m rotating the shell and no individual leather piece is getting worn out constantly.

  16. Boys' Toys :

    Any suggestions for small, light, toys/boys for a couple of boys around 10 y/o? Thanks

    • BeenThatGuy :

      My son is almost 10 and loves Mad Libs. Also, there are small lego sets that are very lightweight, but the box can be bulky. Other ideas are playing cards, Rubix cube, or baseball trading cards.

    • Slime (comes in small tins – some metallic, some magnetic, some glow in the dark…), a set of Nerf bullets (come in compact and lightweight packages of 100, but you need to know if they are in a Nerf house), and I second the Rubix cube. Nerf footballs are also relatively small and light for sporty kids.

  17. Advice on moving past disappointment? I have a very good friend that I talk to every day (at least on the phone) and see in person 2-3 times a week. I found out this morning that she got engaged 2 days ago… because she announced it on facebook. I’ve talked to her on the phone several times in those 2 days and she didn’t say anything. I’m pretty disappointed to find out this way.

    Of course I called her right away to congratulate her. She told me she posted it because someone else spilled the beans on fb (seriously who does that) and she wanted to get out in front of it. Then as we talked more she said she’s already figured out all the details of her wedding over the past two months and everything’s set. I know that weddings are hard and it’s not about me and I want to be so so happy for her… but I feel like there’s a hole in the middle of my chest. How do I put aside my own selfish hurt feelings to be as joyful for my friend as I want to be?

    • This is on her. It’s straight up WEIRD that you guys talked on the phone, and she didn’t share the good news.

    • Don’t ignore it. Sit with it and acknowledge it. Identify why you feel disappointed and then remind yourself that its okay to be disappointed, but that her decisions aren’t about you.

      It’s okay to feel disappointed (for whatever reason – you’re not at the same life stage, you wanted to help with the planning, it feels like a sign of not being as close as you thought), but you have to go through the process of feeling it before you can get over it.

    • Oops, posted below on accident.

      • Linda from HR :

        +1’ing your comment below

        OP, I’d give your friend the benefit of the doubt, she didn’t intentionally leave you off the list of people who got to know in person. It’s fine to be disappointed, but things don’t always happen the way we plan them and that’s okay too.

    • Some brides get crazy. That ‘Bridezilla’ thing is no joke. It’s really not about you. Anon at 10:43 has some wise words.

      Maybe, also, if you’re that close, you could tell her directly that you’re super happy for her but hurt to have found out this way and that you feel left out. Also, I would think, maybe it’s not that great a friendship. Some people talk to a lot of people frequently, tell them all their personal stuff, others don’t. Maybe she’s the former and you’re the latter and thus take the connection to be something more meaningful than it is.

    • Some people don’t like talking about their relationship status, up to and including good news. I wouldn’t consider it a comment on how solid your friendship is, so much as your differing approaches to how much you want to talk about that kind of thing.

      From my own experience, people _freak out_ about weddings. It’s not just “bridezillas” it’s their friends and family too. I told my mother I was getting married and her _first comment_ was telling me what kind of wedding I should have and what my SO should wear, in a super weird and kind of aggressive way. It’s easier by far to just not talk about it at all, with anyone.

      • anonshmanon :

        This was my thought, too. My mom is pretty pragmatic and level-headed, but when it came to my wedding, she had all kinds of ideas about it and I felt really pushed.
        Wasn’t there a poster yesterday who felt stressed about other people’s demands on her wedding? If your friend planned the whole thing for 2 months without announcing it, she probably wanted to avoid people’s input in order to minimize stress. This isn’t necessarily about you. Sounds like a smart strategy to me.

    • You said the right things – it’s not about you, and that you don’t want to focus on your selfish feelings. I’m sure all your friend will want to talk about for the next several months is her wedding, to the point that you may not want to hear about it anymore!, so don’t worry that you’re going to be left out.

      When I gave birth to my daughter I wanted to not tell people for a couple of days because I wanted it to be just the three of us for a quiet little bit. It didn’t really work out that way because my husband didn’t feel the same, but if he’d been willing to do that, I would have loved it. I just wanted to focus on the three of us.

      Maybe your friend feels that way about her engagement. She wanted to spend a few days head over heels about it and just sharing it with her fiancé. I totally get that.

      It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you as a good friend. It means she loves her fiancé more, as well she should

  18. Security Clearance :

    Has anyone ever gotten/been denied a security clearance based on credit card debt? I’m interviewing for a job that requires one and I’m nervous I’ll get denied because I have about $12k in credit card debt. No longer using the cards, on a budget and actively paying it down. But I would be crushed if I didn’t get the job because of this.

    • If all your payments are on time and you are paying it down, you are likely okay. What is your credit score…that is more important. The question they are asking is “Would this person sell secrets to get out of debt.” If you show that you are responsible–they can answer that question with a firm “not likely.”

    • anon a mouse :

      you won’t get denied for CC debt alone. You will get denied if you fail to disclose it. Or if you have so much CC debt that your spending exceeds your income. I think that there are also % markers for how much debt you have relative to your income, but I don’t know what they are.

    • Clementine :

      I don’t know if this makes you feel better, but while that’s not a great amount of CC debt, it’s not the worst thing. My understanding is that most security clearances look to see if you could be bribed/manipulated based on your credit report findings.

      I used to be a credit analyst and we looked at where you were in your life as well as how much debt did you have. Early 30’s, professional (so grad school or law school where you didn’t make a ton), just moved on their own and maybe financed some furniture on cards? Maybe you took a couple vacations that you put on cards when you should have stayed home and eaten ramen? Totally fine.

      You worry about the person who has 90k in ccard debt, plus a maxed out HELOC at 150k plus just got a brand new mortgage and is in a place where one might expect to retire in the next few years. That person might merit a ‘Hmmmmm.’

    • Just got a clearance, we had $8,000 on a credit card because we had helped my parents send my brother to rehab last year (loooonnng story, the good news is, he’s still clean now). I was extremely transparent about the whole thing – that we had the debt; what the money had gone toward, the fact that my brother is an addict and has a criminal record, etc. It wasn’t a problem at all. What I have heard from many people is that clearance investigators don’t like surprises or dishonesty. They understand that life happens. For us, relative to our income, the debt wasn’t that serious, so it was no big deal. As it turned out, after my clearance interview my dad gave us the money to pay off the debt, so it’s gone now. But I wouldn’t worry – just be up front and answer questions honestly, and it will be fine.

      • Good for you helping your brother; that is a sweet, sacrificial thing to do and I’m glad he’s clean!

        • Thank you for saying that. TBH I mostly did it for my parents, who I was worried were literally going to die from worrying about him. But I care about him and I don’t want him to die, and this was the only thing that we could think of to do. It seems to be holding, so far, but we’ll see.

  19. Photobooks :

    Recommendations for making your own photobook? I have something like 1500 pictures from a vacation and I’d like to use most of them. I’d prefer to work on my iPad.

    I’ve used Mixbook and Shutterfly in the past but I have’t been very happy with either. They each have a limit on the number of pics you can upload at once, so I have to manually select like 100 pics, wait for an upload, select another batch, etc. – the whole process takes hours. I forget if Mixbook has an app or if it’s just unworkable; I couldn’t even use my laptop because the software was so slow. Shutterfly’s app is awful – I want to choose the layouts and pictures for myself, not have a pre-made book. Is there another option I’m missing? I’m happy to pay more for a better experience.

    • You can do something directly on your iPad, with their software. Search for photobook, that should have pretty clear directions. If it seems a bit tricky, contact apple for one of the training sessions–they are super useful.

    • Artifact Uprising! They are expensive, but I adore the baby photo books I’ve made with them. They are fully customizable and high quality.

      • Ditto on Artifact Uprising for quality. The hardcover books are beautiful. Also, if you ever need the book quickly, call their customer service line and they will tell you which dimensions have the fastest production times.

    • Maybe try Mixbook again? I just did Mixbook for wedding pictures and was able to just bulk upload around 800 pictures.

    • On Shutterflly you can choose your own layouts and pictures. Though you still have that pic uploading limit. Another site that was just recommended to me is Blurb. Not sure how many pics you can upload at once

  20. I had to double check facebook just now to make sure no one announced my secret engagement. I am in exactly the same place as your friend, sans the facebook announcement, because we haven’t told a soul about the engagement other than our jeweler and this anonymous website.

    She wanted to tell you, trust me. But because of various, perfectly legitimate reasons, she couldn’t tell people, and you are a person. (For us, we are trying to avoid bringing down the wrath of the Phantom, but some people want to get everything figured out before they announce, or they’re trying to avoid overshadowing someone else’s wedding, or baby shower, etc). She probably was looking forward to telling you in person, and is a little disappointed she didn’t get to share that moment with you. And if she’d told you in person, and then you’d found out later she’d told someone else first in person (probably family), you wouldn’t be so hurt, right?

    TL;DR, facebook ruins a lot of great, private life moments.

    • If she knew it was posted on FB and that the friend she talks with regularly is also her FB friend, why would she not have said anything in one of their multiple phone convos since the post was made?

      • I read it that her friend got engaged on Monday, she talked to her friend on the phone Tuesday and Wednesday, her friend and someone else posted it on facebook Wednesday night, she called to congratulate her friend this morning (Thursday).

        The planning for the past two months I consider a non-issue, because the planning between her friend and her friend’s fiance is their private business.

        • I read it that she talks to the person everyday and it was announced on FB two days ago and she saw it today. Reread and it’s unclear when it was posted. Definitely, planning is their business.

    • I have nothing substantive to contribute, but thanks for the POTO giggles.

    • Wrath of the Phantom?

  21. Product Counsel :

    In my search for in house attorney positions, I sometimes see the title “Product Counsel.” I know this will vary from company to company, but what practice / responsibilities does this title usually include?

    • At my company (large telecommunications company), it’s an attorney who supports a certain product. So, for example, if the product is a specific wireless package, that person would be responsible for all advertising and contractual issues related to that product. It’s likely a transactional position, and gives you a great opportunity to develop a partnership with that specific business unit, and really get to know a product well.

  22. Need jacket help.

    A few years ago, I went shopping at this vintage store and found the most perfect professor style jacket, that hits a little bit long on the hips but not too much. It’s one or three button (can’t remember), but buttons perfectly beneath a (substantial) bust, flares out ever so slightly, is petite (so arms are good length for short person). But best of all it has DEEP pockets that don’t ruin the shape of the blazer. I’m talking, it completely conceals the height of my Samsung S8.

    Can anyone help me find the modern version of this? The jacket was made before I was born. So far I’ve found nothing that comes close. Honestly, the rest I can tailor, but I can’t find anything with well made DEEP pockets.

    • if the length of the jacket allows for it you could have a tailor put in deeper pockets in any jacket

      • These are external pockets, not internal, so additional material would be an issue. Plus, finding a jacket with external pockets at all that would allow for this is still an issue. Can you tell I’ve been frustrated in seeing a great jacket with a pocket that only allows for a credit card, or looks like it can be broken open, only to not be a pocket at all?

    • Do you have the jacket –the tailor can use it as a pattern, or design one from scratch.

      • I do, that’s not a bad idea, I just would like to see if there are any ready to wear options at a reasonable price first.

        • I hear ya. Maybe men’s blazers? I have a couple of my dads from when he was young. The pockets are incredible. I can carry my wallet, phone, lipstick, keys, a novel, and a bottle of wine (completely concealed) with space left over, and the jacket still looks sleek.

  23. Recs for affordable black fleece tights? I’m having trouble finding some in my size (~5′ 2″ 110lbs) that also have feet.

    • Capsule Wardrobe for Paris :

      Mine came from Hue and am on my third or fourth year with them, so cost per wear pretty low. Not sure they are available this late in season however – I remember I was careful to get them when they first landed in store around October.

    • I snagged some from Target. They’re not incredible, but they’re doing well so far.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’m your height and weigh a bit more, but I’ve had good luck on Amazon.

    • Mine are from t a r g e t (stuck in mod, presumably because of a link).

    • This is gonna sound crazy, but I got some at Charlotte Russe a few years ago that have lasted really well and are SO warm. And they have feet! See if they have some this year as well.

    • Mine are from Target. Xhilaration brand. On my second year with them. Wearing them right now.

    • Pretty Primadonna :

      Berkshire brand. I ordered mine from Amazon.

    • Anon prof :

      How is it that no one answered Walgreens to this??? Our fleece tights troll is gone?

  24. Hey ladies – Yay or Nay on Velcro sneakers? Here’s an example of what I’m considering:—womens/409235?activeColor=680

    I’m not a regular wearer of sneakers, so I’m having a hard time deciding. I’d be wearing them with jeans while touristing about. I don’t need to be at the height of fashion, but just want to avoid looking like a huge dork. Small amount of dorkiness is acceptable and perhaps unavoidable. :)

    • KateMiddletown :

      No offense meant, but if you’re going to wear vans they have a certain level of skaterboi-ness to them already, and I don’t think velcro is going to add or detract from that.

      • Totally fair. Wasn’t sure if the Velcro itself took it too far. Will eagerly follow any comments below on Paris’s sneaker question as well!

        • Senior Attorney :

          Heh I kind of love those.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Dude I love these and my daughter has a similar pair with the bat symbol on it which I am afraid makes me sound like I’m saying they’re childish but actually they’re just dope and pair really well with femmy outfits.

        • Thanks for the thoughts, all! They’re in my cart…with about 6 other pairs to audition at home.

  25. How do I stop my mascara from smudging on my under-eye area?

    • Use tubey mascara and don’t use eye cream during the day. Just skipping the eye cream may be enough. If you’re using very emollient undereye concealer this may also be the culprit. Try skipping both for a day and see what happens.

      • Ah wow I did just start putting on eye cream at night and undereye concealer in the morning so I guess that’s what’s making it worse. So how does one go about wearing concealer and mascara without looking like a racoon?

        • I wear concealer and don’t have underage smudging. My solution has been tubey type mascara. I think waterproof might work too but I have to practically pull out my lashes to get that off. I like the tube type because a little cleanser and water makes it slip right off, but concealer doesn’t.

          I do think it’s your eye cream though. Especially since you just started using it. Maybe try wiping it off with micellar water on a cotton pad in the morning before putting on your makeup.

      • absolutely – I switched to blinc mascara on advice of the hive about a year ago. I used to have terrible under eye smudging with most brands of mascara (greasy eyes, I guess). Blinc is the only brand that has worked for me.

    • I have to let my mascara dry COMPLETELY before I put on my under eye cream. Wearing waterproof mascara seems to work better also.

    • AnotherAnon :

      Make sure you set your under eye with a powder. Also try priming your lid and powdering even if you don’t wear eyeshadow

    • Covergirl Orange tube :

      Someone recommended the Covergirl brand mascara in an orange tube. It looks like a carrot. After using dozens of mascaras at all price points for 15 years, this is the only one that works for me. I do not buy the waterproof version and even wear eye cream during the day plus have the kind of eyes where little fat pockets rise up when I smile. The Covergirl orange tube mascara is amazing!

  26. Money questions :

    My husband and I had been planning on buying our first home this year, but we’re now likely moving to a different city this year or next. We’re not sure what to do with the down payment that we’ve been saving, and I’m hoping you guys can help me issue spot the things we should be thinking about. For various reasons, we will rent in the new potential city for a bit so the earliest we would reenter the housing market is late 2020. Our HHI is $240k, we both have secure jobs with small (5%) annual raises, are both 31, have about $100k combined in our respective 401(k)s and max them out each year, have six months’ of living expenses earning 1.4% in a money market account, have $70k in outstanding student loans fixed at 3.35% with a $1300 monthly payment, and have $60k set aside as a down payment earning 1.4%. What other things should we be thinking about? We’re tempted to knock out the student loan balance, but we worry that’s a waste of money given how low the fixed interest rate on the loan is. Is this the time to open IRAs, invest in other ways, etc.? Thanks!

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      You can always do multiple things-some on loans, invest some. Do you have reasonable expectations that you will have approximately the same household income after you move? If you think your income in new city is going to be significantly lower, I’d factor that in and keep some of the down payment set aside for a down payment for 2020 (invested in something you can get it out of without penalty) if you don’t think you’ll be able to save as much on new salary to replace it, if that makes sense.

      • Money questions :

        Thanks for the replies, everyone!

        To answer a few questions that have been posed: We would be keeping our jobs and simply transferring from one office to another; cost of living calculators indicate that we shouldn’t see much a change in expenses between the two. We are/were looking at homes averaging $250k and will do a 20% down payment. Both cities are in LCOL/MCOL areas, we have very modest tastes, and we have no plans for children so we’re not boxed into the expensive school districts.

    • I am not a money expert but here’s my advice from an n=1 perspective: keep throwing money at your down payment savings. DH and I have the same income as you, are the same age, same in retirement, zero debt. Four years ago we moved from a HCOL area (renting) to a MCOL area – ie $300/sq foot in the city, >$95/sq foot in the suburbs. We rented for two years while we searched for houses. We ended up buying a smaller house we could afford in town (rather than moving to the burbs) and doing a complete remodel. Having a lot of cash on hand helped. A lot of this is know the market and know your own money preferences, but I personally would not pay down student loans. It seems like the lender didn’t care that we had zero debt: they wanted to know our credit history, income, and how much we had in savings. Will your jobs be in the new city or current city? My income more than doubled when we moved from HCOL city to MCOL city, but that’s because my niche market is based out of MCOL city. Good luck!

    • Anonymous :

      I hate interest, so I would personally pay off the student loans. I would then restart a downpayment funding and commit to funding it each month with the current student loan payment amount and what ever you are currently saving each month for the downpayment.

      But this would also change if I felt my income would significantly decrease in the new city

    • Anonymous :

      how much are you expecting to pay for a down payment in the new city? 60k seems low for 20% but i also dont know the COL of your new location. we saved $110k for a downpayment but then realized we really needed another 25-30 as a buffer when we did buy and move because of some immediate work (tree fell in a freak storm onto the side of the house), needed to fix the garage door, other small things that we wanted to do before moving in. my order of operations would be this: keep maxing out 401ks, max out roth iras (post tax 5500/ea) if qualifying, save another 30 for downpayment, split the remaining between a brokerage account and additional payments on the student loans since 3.35% is not super high but not super low either.

    • Anonattorney :

      Add more to the down payment. In my MCOL, $300k won’t get you much by way of a house. I would see if you can bring the down payment up to $100k over the next two years. Good luck!

  27. Capsule Wardrobe for Paris :

    Have followed with interest discussions here about best wardrobe for travel. Will be spending a week in Paris in late Feb. Have great, low, waterproof boots but think I need a pair of tennis as well – specific recommendations? When I was there in 2015 (different time of year) EVERYONE was wearing tennis shoes, but I’m not up enough on them to be able to the type that will be super comfortable yet not look too orthopedic.

    Planning a small wardrobe based on one pair of super comfy jeans, and two pair of black athleisure pants – thinking the City Jogger by Athleta. Can’t stand super tights pants of any type, so the relaxed fit appeals. Too casual? Other recommendations?

    Feel free to chime in with any wardrobe or other suggestions (especially for little known places to be sure to visit)…

    • AnotherAnon :

      I loooved my black vans for trecking around Europe. I have an old version of the lopro. Just make sure to break them in well before hand.

    • I’d wait until I got to Paris to buy the tennis shoes. I love buying shoes when I travel. It’ll be a fun experience
      & they’ll be a good souvenir.

    • I have been searching for nice looking sneakers that are also comfortable. I would say that most Converse do not have enough support to be comfortable. I love my Converse slip-ons but they are NOT comfortable to wear for long periods of time. I have an old pair of leather Converse (like from around 2006) that I still wear and love, but they’re not Chucks. I also bought what I thought were a cute pair of Adidas in dark gray that didn’t make the cut either.

      My faves right now that are crazy comfortable and cute are the Coach low top with the tea roses
      Spendy but worth it. I have the tea rose moto boots as well, which are also very comfortable.

      Other comfy and cute sneakers (but not as durable) are the Free People Letterman sneakers. I have them in the pink metallic and the metallic part started wearing off of touch points pretty quickly.

    • I just bought some allbirds and surprised myself by really liking them.

    • Frequent Paris-goer :

      If you’re still checking this… Enjoy! Hope the Seine is less flooded in a few weeks. : )

      There isn’t such a thing really as “too casual” in Paris except if your clothes are stained/torn. I find it easiest to pack and dress there if it’s mostly dark colors (black, gray, dark blue/green etc) that can be easily mixed and matched. People do wear nice coats and scarves, though.

      I’d recommend one of the black leather slip-on pairs of sneakers, the ones with white bottoms. They’re super popular and apparently very comfy. I think other than that, it’s up to you, but I wouldn’t go with bright neon sneakers (maybe a nice gray or black, but that’s my preference).

  28. Vacuum sealing winter coats? :

    Any experience with vacuum sealing winter coats for storage? My DH won’t get rid of any of his many, many winter coats (despite the fact that we now live in a warm climate) and they’re taking up way too much room. I’m thinking about vacuum sealing them in individual bags and storing them in large plastic totes. Any thoughts or tips?

    • Anonymous :

      That’s what I do! I get the extra large ones with the little hatch in the side for the vacuum cleaner nozzle (just sitting on them to push the air out isn’t enough), and then I put my (clean!) coat in with several little blocks of cedar scattered around, seal it up (usually takes about two minutes), and store it. I was able to fit two wool coats in one, and my down coat and ski jacket together in a second one.

  29. Potty Problems :

    Would love some help with an embarrassing problem! The “water closet” part of my master bathroom has an unpleasant urine smell, kind of like what I associate with less-than-sparkling-clean public restrooms. I clean regularly – scrubbing the bowl with a brush and wiping the entire surface with Clorox wipes. I also mop the floor. I am the only person who uses the bathroom. Other bathrooms in the house are odor-free. I know there are tons of air fresheners out there to cover up the smell, but I’d prefer to address the source. Any ideas what could be causing this?

    • You’d be surprised where urine can get. Are you getting in all the nooks and crannies at the base, in the little hinges that hold the top up, and behind the toilet? Have you straight up bleached the grout in your tiles?

      I’ve found the smells live in those places.

    • AnotherAnon :

      Check out Apartment Therapy’s guide on how to properly clean your bathroom. It has to do with actually using a spray cleaner and soaking things like hinges.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Did you check the underside of the seat? That’s usually the culprit for me. You don’t think you’re peeing on the seat, but there’s that little bit that splashes and builds up.

      Alternately, if any gentlemen have used your bathroom, even once or twice, sometimes they aerosolize (no fault of their own, just nature), and I’d try cleaning the walls around the toilet.

      Or if you have a cat, the cat may be peeing on the rug. That’s what it was in my bathroom the other day.

    • this can be caused if the top of the toilet (tank) is moldy. There are little stick-on bleach tabs you are supposed to use in the bowl that you could put in the tank a time or two. Try that? If the tank is sparkling, I’d bring in a plumber bc maybe something isn’t draining correctly and is sitting and stinking up the joint.

    • I’ve had this problem in my kids’ bathroom. It turned out that there was loads of gunk underneath the hinges. I also found some Clorox urine remover and sprayed the toilet and surrounding areas. It smelled GROSS and who knows what chemicals are lurking in the stuff, but it did get rid of the problem.

    • BeenThatGuy :

      If you live with men or boys, it’s them. They need to go. Hahaha. If that is not an option, check for urine behind the toilet or around the base of the toilet.

    • I would also add that the wax ring may have deteriorated and is no longer trapping the sewer smells.

      I’d call a plumber out and have him look at it. It’s a simple but gross fix so you could also do it yourself it youre handy.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        +1. Not sure if you’re still reading replies, but this happened to us – our bathroom (last remodeled in the 80s) started smelling like a dang truck stop stall no matter how fanatically I cleaned. The wax seal below the toilet had worn out and old toilet water started collecting between the layers of flooring. It was GROSS but it’s something you or a handyman can fix.

        • Potty Problems :

          Thanks! The entire house was renovated ~2 years ago, and I think the master bath was a new addition at that time, but you never know. I will see if I can get someone in to take a look ASAP. If there is a leak, I’m sure it will only get worse over time!

  30. So when I was gearing up for law school applications, just about every lawyer in my life explained to me why I shouldn’t do it. The pay, the hours, the stress, the debt, etc. Like many law students, I totally ignored all these red flags, convinced myself I’m the exception, and went for it. I’m 1 year post-grad, in a job that pays wayyyy less than it should. I am not the exception. Now, I’m practicing in a litigation group. I LOVE litigation. However, there are so many red flags. High attrition rate for mothers, no “off roads”, terrible work/life balance in general. I’m 27, no kids, but would like them someday… Will I regret this career choice?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Why are you even asking this? That sounds snarky, but it’s a real question. If everybody tells you “yes, you will regret this career choice,” what will you do?

      Pretty much every lawyer I know had second thoughts one year out. I know I did, but I stuck it out and now, 30 years later, I’m glad I did. Which is not exactly the same thing as being glad I went to law school in the first place, but close enough I guess.

      But again, what would you do with the information that you will regret your choice?

    • Maybe? But as long as you’re happy now, why borrow trouble?

      • +1. The industry has challenges but FYI every high paying industry does. But IME the people who end up being ok are the ones who love the work – you end up being able to work around some challenges. The people who end up miserable/quit being lawyers in yr 3 are the ones who went to law school bc they had nothing better to do, for the money etc. If you like the work, that’s a lot of the battle right there.

    • Accidentally posted my comment below. Argh!

    • Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. I am and I work with a lot of lawyers who like practicing law. It’s not always an easy life and you will have to make some choices during your career based on what matters most at the time. There will be times when you think seriously about doing something else. That’s normal given that careers are 35+ years. But, it sounds like you like your job right now- I can’t tell if the red flags are specific to your firm or just general hazards of the profession. Either way, they don’t appear to be affecting you directly at this moment. Don’t borrow trouble. I’d also encourage you to gain as many skills as you can and be smart about your money. Start saving for retirement, work on those loans if you have them, etc. It will give you some flexibility down the road.

      • Senior Attorney :

        OMG yes — be smart about your money. Keep your overhead low, start saving for retirement, don’t take on consumer debt.

    • I was you four years ago. And I don’t regret it.

      I’m not at that firm any more, but the experiences I had there allowed me to land my current awesome job litigating for the government.

      Don’t leave before you leave- you will learn a ton in that kind of high pressure environment. If you work hard and develop your talents, the money will come. Or if you do those things, decide that kids aren’t possible in that environment, you’ll have good exit options.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I think you’ll both regret it and not regret it. There were/are times where I haaaaaate(d) being a lawyer. The hours. The stress. Competition with 100 over-qualified people for one job (hello, graduating in 2008). The DEBT. Blah blah blah.

      But sometimes I love that my job is basically thinking through hard things and coming up with sensible answers. How cool is that!? I’ve found a job that’s a great fit for my life right now — it definitely took a bunch of crappy years to get her, but now I’m here! There will be times ahead, I’m sure, where I’m like “whyyyy did I do this?” but there will be plenty of times when I’m happy about my choice too.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I feel like I say this here at least once every week. I am a litigator, and a wife, and a mother. I LOVE my private practice job and would never consider a move in house, even for better “work/life balance” (whatever the h ell that even means). I work under three women partners who are all still here and still love it.

      Some people love this life and some figure out that they do not and find something more suitable. But it does work for some of us. If you love it and want it to work, you will make it work. If not, there are always other jobs.

    • I am going to be the voice of dissent here. I am a litigation attorney and I really wish I had given thought to developing skills that would allow me to move in-house. As we discussed earlier today, litigation (with some exceptions such as employment) is not as easily transferable as other fields.

      I loved litigation in my 20’s, but would have preferred to move in-house in my 30’s both for kids and because I was getting tired of the pettiness. By that time it would have been really hard to switch areas of specialty. I am now in my 50’s, and would love to transition but 25 years of being a litigation attorney have not left me with a lot of transferable skills (and changing jobs/fields at my age is NOT easy – age discrimination is a thing).

      You are not me but look around at where women in your office are at 35, 45 and 55 and ask yourself if that is what you (think) you will want. If so – great! If not, at least give some thought to developing skills that will make you more marketable.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yeah, I did general business litigation at at some point I really wished I had specialized more. It’s hard to market yourself as a general litigator when you are competing with people who are “thing the client’s case is about” litigation specialists.

      • Anonymous :

        +100. I’m a senior litigation associate, and have generally like it. But I don’t want to be a partner, and it is shockingly hard to find exit options

    • Thanks everyone! Idk I guess I’m thinking if I’m going to switch practice areas to something more humane, nows the time! But, like everyone pointed out, I love litigation! Why borrow trouble!

  31. I think as long as you’re happy now, there’s no reason to be fretting about this. I think it’s pretty common to be both happy and unhappy at various points of the same career, so it is possible you’ll feel differently someday (kids are definitely a factor) – but that also doesn’t mean you’ll be unhappy forever. You kind of just have to roll with it and see what happens.

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