Thursday’s Workwear Report: Twist-Detail T-shirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
We’ve rounded up our favorite work-appropriate T-shirts in the past, and this tee from & Other Stories might be my latest addition to the list. The fit is perfect, and the twist details make it feel just a little more special.
Layer under a blazer or sweater for a comfy business-casual day.
The top is $55 at & Other Stories and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Looking for more best work-appropriate T-shirts? As of 2025, some of our favorite dressy T-shirts for work are from Amazon Essentials, Theory, Everlane, J.Crew, Banana Republic, Nic + Zoe, and Vince — also check our posts on opaque white tees and the best plus-size tees for work!
Sales of note for 8/21/25:
- Ann Taylor – $20 sale types (select styles), 25% off tops and sweaters, and extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Dermstore – 20% off the Anniversary Edit
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off late summer styles, plus extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 15% off $100+
- M.M.LaFleur – Up to 70% off new markdowns – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – End of summer sale
- Talbots – 25% off your regular price purchase, also, end-of-season clearance
- Tuckernuck – Sample sale, prices up to 70% off! (Including lots of this bestselling work dress marked to under $75)
Why do recruiters, hiring managers, etc. ghost people during the interview process? It is such an unprofessional and rude way to treat candidates.
My husband recently applied for a job and about a week later they contacted him to do a phone screen with someone from HR. That went really well and just a few days later he got an email at 6 PM on a Friday asking him to do a Zoom interview on Monday morning.
He currently works in facilities at a hospital and there aren’t any conference rooms of private offices from where he could take the meeting. It’s been in the 90s here and he didn’t want to take the call from his phone in the car with the A/C blasting, so he ended up taking the day off work. It was short notice, but he was really interested in this new job.
The supervisor of the group was out of the office, so they had scheduled a panel interview with three people from the team. He felt that interview also went well and it ended up being more a conversation with these guys to see if he would be a good fit for the team.
After that he emailed two of the HR people involved with scheduling the interviews and thanked them for the opportunity to interview and that he enjoyed talking to the team. He also asked that if he were to move forward in the process if it would be possible to schedule the next meeting later in the day since that works better for his schedule. He said if that wasn’t possible he would definitely try to accommodate their schedule.
He read the email to me before sending it and it sounded polite and professional. It’s been almost two weeks since that second interview and nothing. After the fast pace of the first couple of interviews we were hopeful he would hear something back quickly.
If they don’t want to hire him, then at least send some canned rejection email. We’ve both job searched enough that we don’t need feedback on why we were rejected. At least some communication back would have been nice.
I would not assume they are not interested because it’s been two weeks. He should send a follow up, expressing his continued interest in the role and eagerness to hear about next steps.
Yes, recruiting and hiring in this country are a nightmare, but I would not assume ghosting after two weeks.
Agree with this take. Especially during the summer when folks are on vacation.
Thanks. I hope that is the case. He did mention sending a follow-up email this week. I guess we are both mentally moving on in case it doesn’t work out.
yeah, 2 weeks, in summer, when the company is dancing around their own vacation calendars and other candidates’? I would not get mad about ghosting on this timeline. A month or 6 weeks maybe, but not 2.
I think that’s too soon. If they’re doing panels, they probably aren’t even close to being done with this round yet, save the emails so you don’t look insane as the process goes on.
It sucks for the candidate, but two weeks doesn’t mean anything! You said the supervisor was out of the office, let’s say he was on vacation for one week. Then he comes back, takes a few days to schedule a debrief with the interview panel, does the debrief, takes another few days to catch another stakeholder and makes a decision. Then needs to find time to check in with HR and prepare the offer. And if your husband is number two, they will not cut him loose before number one has accepted an offer, so that they can come back to you in case. Add two more weeks in between if they do reference checks and play a bunch of phone tag.
Two weeks is nothing.
+1. We’re hiring for a position and interviewed three people in June. Offer with the first choice candidate didn’t work out, so we are preparing an offer for the second choice candidate. Our schedules for lining up all the right people internally to sign off on it are completely not aligned, so it’s taking wayyyyyyy longer than any of us would optimally like. I let the candidates know in the interview that it would take a while and have followed up again with an update – which is a non-update really. I feel like we either can move super fast or it’s going to take way too long when it comes to hiring.
I would think he is still in the running after only two weeks. Trying to organize group meetings in the summer when vacations are going is likely taking them some time if there are other candidates. Even in normal circumstances that can be tough.
Also: a call from a car would be NBD for me. I totally get that.
Just in case he’s stewing, it’s very, very unlikely the email about scheduling hurt him
Thanks for saying that! He got laid off from another job a few years ago and I got laid off last year. I think we are both having flashbacks to second guessing every little interaction.
You shouldn’t second-guess every interaction, but also, he shouldn’t place too much store in any single application, in this hiring environment. Do your best for each one, don’t get too excited, keep applying. It’s the only way to stay sane!
I got a job and there was a month-long gap between the interviews and the offer. The recruiter said they had just been “doing their due diligence” by interviewing other candidates. You never know.
What rental car company do you find most reliable? I gave up on Avis after they ran out of cars three times in a row despite my having reservations (two of them prepaid). Enterprise cars are always filthy or damaged and they tend to have stock issues. Hertz is installing AI scanners that overdetect and overcharge for damage and can’t be disputed. I’m running out of options.
Not directly responsive, but I always rent cars through Costco (more than pays for the membership) and (crossing fingers here) I have never once had a problem when picking up the car. They do book you through a variety of the big car rental places (Budget, Avis, etc) but have not once had the car not available, or in bad shape.
Does that work if you need to pick up a car at an airport or hotel?
It does; I booked through Costco and picked up at airport last week.
Yes, I exclusively rent through Costco to pick up at the airport and it’s been great.
+1 Yes! Booking rental cars through Costco is the best! Great prices and you do not prepay—so can cancel/rebook if price decreases right before your trip.
Also you can get a second driver added for free
We do Hertz, Avis, and Alamo depending on price, and haven’t experienced issues (though Hertz not since last year). Do you frequently rent from one airport that’s a problem?
FWIW, so many rental car companies try to charge for damage that I always take the coverage out through them to not deal with it.
I am not denying that doing so is a smart move…
Interesting that rental companies are now extorting you to buy their insurance. “You don’t have to buy the insurance, but if you don’t, we will charge you for damage you didn’t do.”
It’s absolutely extortion. That said, I also have no desire to tarnish my own insurance over a rental car claim so I’ve gone along with it.
It’s over $40 a day, though! Then what I want to know is if they find “damage” and it’s covered through that insurance, are they going to report the “claim” to the auto insurance rating exchange, so now my personal auto premiums will rise even though I never got in an accident?
AI is just another way to take advantage of consumers with no market power. AI scanners find “damage.” Delta is using AI to figure out who is “willing” to pay higher prices, so I’m going to get overcharged for personal travel because I also book business travel for which I’m less price-sensitive, and Delta is the only airline with decent service to our airport. I’m sick of it.
No the scam is pay $40 a day and you never hear about the so called damage. Fail to do so and have a claim you need to deal with. It’s always been worth the 40 bucks to me. Scams been happening for years.
I rent a lot through Avis (at a smaller airport I need to fly into for family) and have never had issues with this. They have sold out for one peak weekend they’ve had each year and my guess is that I escaped that by picking up early in the day vs later. I suspect they overbook b/c people can cancel for free (and I am guilty of this, but figure someone was happy to get a rental minivan in the summer in Florida). I do a walk around with my phone and also video everything inside the car that seems sketchy or dirty (has only been an issue once) and have always gotten anything funky (refueling charges when I had filled up the car within a mile of the airport) removed promptly. No way am I taking out $40 of insurance a day on my $100 daily rental. Just make stuff cost more if you need to make more $ and stop with the stealth fees.
We used to not buy the coverage (and btw it used to be much cheaper, ~8/day). We then had a car badly damaged by hail on a trip to Colorado Springs and were billed something like $10k for repairs. Our insurance stepped in and so did some credit card coverage, but we still had to pay the deductibles of over $1k, plus at least 10-12 hours of time on calls with the rental company’s insurance, our insurer, and our credit card issuer. No way will I go through that again, even $40/day seems cheap to avoid that.
How would hail damage not be covered by the car company’s own insurance on its vehicles (so if it were on the lot, same issue, same damage)? I’d love to read what the policies actually cover (and then my coverage and then what my ccard covers). I feel like this is what AI should be good at? If there are any links, I need some reading tasks and am now curious enough to speed read this (am a lawyer).
No, if you have the car when it hails, they put that on you.
Does renting with a credit card that is known to provide damage coverage deter fraudulent damage claims since the car company knows it’s going to have to do battle with the credit card’s insurer to extract payment? Or is that just wishful thinking?
Wishful thinking. Credits cards are subordinate to your own auto insurance.
I don’t take the coverage, but I do take my own videos before and after, always, interior, exterior, any dents, anything. I keep them on my phone for six months before deleting.
Whatever’s cheapest.
Same – it’s usually Budget. I like their app, which let me reschedule/change my reservation about six times during challenging holiday travel. My employer usually does Budget or Enterprise.
Same. And my credit card provides insurance.
National all the way. Their customer service is fantastic, their prices reasonable, and they plan their fleet inventory well to match reservations. Every time I have had a reservation with them, I had several vehicles to choose from on site (you just get in your car of choice and go). Vehicles are always clean and I never have to wait.
National, the through the Emerald Club. I always have a car, never accused of damage.
Same. The only time we had a damage issue was for damage we actually caused (my husband hit a column in a parking garage). I will say though, that process was not actually that bad. We rented using our AmEx card and they provided coverage.
Agree with this. They’re not usually the cheapest, but they’re not that much more expensive and I have never had an issue with them.
National
National. Never have to stand in line, always a positive experience.
I’m getting ready for a cross country move and need to decide how to move my car. Assuming good weather (unlikely to encounter snow or ice on the drive) and a reliable vehicle, should I drive it myself or use an auto shipping company? Are there any auto shipping companies you would recommend?
If I had a few days to spare, I’d find this an exciting road trip to do!
Same. I can’t recall the name but I used a service out of Chicago to move a car to a relative last year and it went well. Was recommended by someone here. Would use again.
Oh, I’m in Chicago and will need to transport a car in the future too. If anyone knows this company, please post their name!
Me too! This would be a great mini vacation.
Yes! I’d look forward to getting a road trip out of this!
Same! I love a good road trip.
Moving companies can also move cars. We moved 10-15 hour drives when I was a kid and the family drove in one car; the other went on the truck! Does require hiring movers with a bigger capacity moving van, obviously.
I’d probably drive. We’ve shipped cars several times because we had two cars and didn’t want to drive both, but the auto shipping business has a lot of shady seeming companies you need to navigate around, plus most of them won’t give definite dates of pick up and delivery, which would be really annoying if it were your only car. They also generally won’t come into residential neighborhoods, so you need to meet them somewhere the big trucks can easily access, which can be easy or hard depending on where you live. We mostly felt like we had to drive because we had to drive our pets, but it also allows you to bring anything else valuable or delicate that you don’t want to entrust to movers.
It’s been years, but when I moved a car cross country, I just sent it through the moving company. I hate a road trip so I can’t imagine driving for this. I’d rather have the time to get settled and unpacked.
I would drive: it’s a good way to move essentials and valuables that you don’t want to ship.
Pack a suitcase with towels, shower curtain, hooks, toilet paper, toiletries, etc.
Pack another suitcase with jewelry, clothes for the first few days, etc.
I like a road trip, so I’d do it myself.
One of my best memories is the road trip I did moving from one place to another. All the work was done in my old place, and my stuff was slowly making its way across the country and there was nothing I could do in my new place, so I had a couple of gloriously task-free days in the middle of a stressful season full of intense to-do lists.
We’re dealing with this now and have chosen to drive because we want to move a number of sentimental potted plants (bushes, small trees) and movers won’t move them.
I used to do a full suit + laptop tote for my finance job. Now I’m in a casual office where I am having to learn fashion almost from scratch. I have (I feel) four times as many shoes (too many and yet not the right shoes) as I have purses (too many and also not enough of the right ones). If you are in a casual office 5 days a week, can you describe what shoes and purses you are actually using? I feel like I need more “serious” flats (vs very casual or twee flats) and small/medium shoulder bags (vs clutches or totes or crossbody bags) but struggling with brands and what is just the right vibe.
Like an actual casual office or business casual? For casual, wear fashion sneakers or cute flats and carry a functional laptop tote.
OP here and I think I am “business casual” usually but like being able to wear sneakers or keep my boots on in the winter if the weather is particularly nasty.
+1 Describe what you mean by “casual.” In my office, there’s no such thing as “serious” flats. People wear whatever sandals, sneakers, or boots they want to wear. So I’m guessing your office may not be totally casual?
For shoes: I wear boots or sneakers in winter when I need my ankles and legs covered for warmth. Boots, sneakers, or flats for inbetween weather when I can go bare-legged, and sandals all summer.
I carry a backpack, with a slim crossbody in it that I’ll pull out when I go to lunch later today.
If you’re still in finance, keep the wardrobe. I just break mine into pieces – today I’m wearing jeans with a blazer and flats. I carry a designer tote for my work stuff. I DGAF if other people are more casual than me. I like the freedom to occasionally wear something very casual to the office but usually still dress nicely.
+1. Many people in my office wear jeans, fashion sneakers, and a quarter zip or casual blouse. I usually wear jeans with a blazer or a dress plus heeled booties. I don’t mind being overdressed in comparison because I’m pretty senior. And elevated clothing means I can have fun with interesting jewelry or statement shoes
Lawyer in a casual office here. I use a Lo & Sons tote everyday at work. My shoes are Cole Haan sneakers or Naturalizer loafers.
I am also in need of a shoulder bag, but I haven’t used one since the pandemic!
“Casual” can describe a wide array of styles—what are others wearing? It’s going to be office- and region-specific. I’m in the PNW, which has an overall informal and not fashion-forward style, so take this with a grain of salt, but for comfortable office appropriate shoes, I like the Rothy’s loafers. I also personally wear sneakers in good condition, dansko clogs, and flat boots. For bags, I commute with a backpack and have a tiny cellphone-sized crossbody that lives in the office for when I run out to grab coffee.
Id probably splurge on one or two pairs of great flats that fit your vibe. I’ll mention the high end version for the vision but obviously you know your budget. Aim for nice quality within it.
Academic and classic? Horsebit loafers from Gucci or a knock off. Feminine polished? Round toe ballet flats from Margaux or chanel. Modern and cool? Square toe ballets like ferragamo and Tory birch make. I disagree with the posters here who hate Mary Jane’s and see them as juvenile. I think the flat square toed ones with a thin strap read trendy and modern, but maybe that’s a minority opinion.
I’m sure more folks can chime in with ideas.
Totally agree on the MJs. Also one of the most practical flats styles as they don’t fall of your feet when they stretch out a bit.
Can you tell us more about where you work? Beltway casual fashion is very different from West Coast or South West. Non-profit social work organizations may have a very different vibe from smaller law firms, sales, advertising, etc. How do people in your office normally dress? What image do you want to convey in your style at work?
I work in a casual workplace but I choose to convey style and authority by usually wearing business casual or smart casual looks. I usually live in tailored trousers (occasionally a dress or midi-skirt) and a simple blouse, sweater, or button-down. For shoes, I always wear closed toe and I need to be able to walk a mile and stand for a while. I like flats, loafers, trendy sneakers, wedges, or boots. Favorite shoe brands are Vionic, Cole Haan, Naturalizer, and Blundstone. I like to layer a blazer or cardigan. If you stick with neutrals and basic solid colors that you like (or very simple patterns), it will be easier to mix and match as you are easing into your casual style wardrobe. I highly recommend requesting a virtual stylist to build you some looks. Nordstrom has free services (I’m sure there are other good companies that do as well) and I have had wonderful experiences with their virtual stylists. There’s no commitment or pressure to buy anything. If you don’t like anything your stylist puts together for your virtual board, you can just request an edit or put in another request for a new stylist.
Wishing you the best of luck!
I’m several years into this closet transition. I think over time you may be able to wear more of what you already have than you think, so don’t purge prematurely. Right now kittens are a fashion thing, and block heels are still around, so wear those with jeans or casual trousers. Also, we just go through a sea of lady jackets and are moving on to buttoned up cardigans, so I would pull those out to restyle. Stuart Weitzman was just sold, but currently you can find some good fashion forward flats there. If you want some daily drivers that are less expensive, Cole Haan is good. For purses, what is your style? We can likely suggest some brands that would work.
My office is business casual leaning casual. I wear a lot of Sam Edelman loafers and flats, or low top white sneakers (mine are from Ecco, Naturalizer also makes nice ones). I use a backpack because I commute on public transit with my laptop + lunch.
When I’m struggling the way you are, it’s often because I don’t have a clear idea of the “tone” (vibe) I’m looking for in an outfit, or the type of items that will get it for me. There’s a very elusive tone I’m often going for, that I call Expensive Casual. It’s casual clothing, but a certain kind. It’s on trend, good quality, pulled together, but not stuffy, tailored, or “businessy.” I’m pretty visual, so it helps me to get a few benchmarks in mind to run the outfits/items by. One is a set of scenarios/locations, such as “Would I feel right wearing this in a meeting with X person at a coffee shop?” “Would I feel comfortable hanging out with X group of people in this, when they are shooting the breeze/networking?” “Would I feel good wearing this getting off the plane and heading right into a meeting with X group of people?”
We live in the Bay Area and have decided to be more open to the idea of buying a townhouse since it doesn’t look like we can reasonably afford any single-family homes in any town we’d like to live in. We’re just beginning this process now. Any recommendations for navigating it and what to watch out for? Perhaps it’s unfair, but I’ve always thought of townhouses as generally a bad deal (especially if there’s a high HOA). We need to compromise if we want to own, but I want to learn more about pitfalls, etc. so we can hopefully find something that works for us and feel comfortable with the choice.
Also, we are doing this to find a better place to live and while it would be great to make some money in the end, we wouldn’t be doing it as a true investment strategy. We simply can’t keep renting and find the features/location that are comfortable for our small family, and at least in preliminary searching, we do see a few townhouses that might fit the bill for under $900K, sometimes well under. We’re not interested in stretching for a single-family home if the home or neighborhood are ones we wouldn’t enjoy living in, and it looks like there are no options under $1M (not even close) for us.
Great real estate agent recommendations are also welcome. We’re in the outer East Bay. Also, if anyone has a crystal ball telling them when interest rates will go down, I’ll take that too :)
I prefer a house, but the TH just means sharing walls be someone under and over you. Get an end unit if you can. More light and only one shared wall.
TH get that reputation when they are in suburban areas with more capacity for sprawl. Like there’s always a newer version of the community a few minutes down the street. In dense areas, they make total sense.
Your experience will vary wildly based on your neighbors. Suss out if they’re really owner occupied, look at Airbnb and VRBO for density of listings in the complex, scope out how they care for their outdoor space, etc.
HOAs go nowhere but up, so proceed with caution there.
Adding – TH don’t always have an HOA. In planned communities, yes. But we live in a TH (aka rowhouse) in Philly and it’s essentially a SFH, just one with shared walls.
How do you deal with repairs in shared items?
There are no shared items except the firewall, which never needs repairing. You have your own water, electrical etc. Theyre completely self contained houses just right next to eachother.
If one of us is having our roof redone, we’ll ask the neighbors if they’re interested, since it lowers the price for all involved. But not mandatory. Otherwise it’s n/a, we have all our own appliances, utilities, etc. Sometimes we coordinate using each other’s patio space for contractor ladders if needed to reach an awkward spot.
There are freehold townhomes without HOA, particularly more historic ones. You own your whole house and your neighbors have no influence on your decisions.
Personally I’m in love with my old town home, all the owners are DINKs, we get along, help eachother out and have the cutest block in the neighborhood. No noise issues because our homes are well built but also professional adults know how to behave.
What makes it a townhome rather than a single-family home in that case?
TH are sets of homes with shared walls. Think brownstones in NYC, rowhouses in Philly, etc. In the burbs they are usually in planned communities with amenities and an HOA, but not downtown.
We share a wall (well technically it’s a triple wide brick fire barrier). As Cat said it’s a brownstone/townhome. The kind of houses you see in the ‘city’ part of hallmark movies.
Think of how Georgetown or the West Village of NYC looks. Those are townhouses. Side walls abut each other (but likely aren’t “shared”).
Townhomes are still single family in that they (usually) sit on a lot which you will own fee simple, and you own the property that sits on that lot in fee simple.
The only difference is that there is a zero lot line between the units.
Also, our TH style condo community just pays for trash and landscaping and things like replacing the common roof and common elements like mail boxes. It’s not that much more than if I paid for those things. You just can’t DIY the exteriors in a TH or condo.
Really curious where exactly in the Bay Area you plan to find one of these, they aren’t common. In San Francisco proper, learn the ownership differences between a condo and a TIC. Generally with condos, check on maintenance and the health of the HOA and avoid buildings with disparate income levels in the event of special assessments. Also, smaller buildings over large complexes.
What does it mean to avoid building with disparate income levels?
It can make repairs and assessments difficult when people in the building cannot afford to do the work.
yeah, I’m unfamiliar with this, too. When we lived in a condo, your share of the assessments was based on your % of the overall square footage of the building. So you’d want to know what your % would be.
Lower incomes presumably would have the smaller spaces, but that’s not 100% correlated, and not sure how you would figure that out in diligence anyway!
With all due respect, the Bay Area has a lot of issues that aren’t the same as on the east coast.
how does this go in the Bay Area? Like is it normal that condo owners disclose bank statements to prospective buyers?
Not the commenter but if there are retirees or people who bought in eons ago when it cost less, they may vote down budgets or not be able to pay needed assessments because they are cash strapped. Like in my hometown, it had so many seniors that they often voted down the school budget. They didn’t hate kids but were already strapped with rising real estate taxes (they rose when assessed value rose and due to things just getting more expensive). Many sold and loses somewhere like Florida that was much less expensive but some stayed in the NEUS due to family and having a walkable village because they weren’t driving (often had never needed to learn).
My in-laws owned a condo where one of the owners refused to pay his assessment so the association couldn’t pay its insurance bills (somehow homeowners’ insurance was purchased by the association instead of individual owners). They ended up being forced to sell out to that same owner, who was scheming to force everyone out so he could rewrite the bylaws and turn the whole building into air b n bs. I will never, ever buy a condo or any other type of home where maintenance, insurance, etc. require agreement from anyone else.
I feel like this is more of an issue in co-ops vs condos, but modern condo associations seems to have standard bylaws (all drafted by the same RE firm or firms). You can ask to read them before buying and should be delivered in advance of closing once you have a contract.
How common is that shared cost structure for insurance?
I don’t think it’s unusual for a major shared expense to be insurance, particularly where the HOA is responsible for maintaining the exteriors.
In my experience (in California), HOAs usually buy insurance on the building. This can present an issue when there is an uncovered risk (usually earthquake). There is either no coverage or some of the owners decide to walk rather than pay the deductible. This was a huge issue in the Valley after the Northridge quake.
I live in a townhouse with no HOA. Fortunately, I have been lucky and the person I share a wall with has always been cooperative on shared expenses (painting, fences, roof), but I can definitely see how that could be a problem. And I can only hope she carries enough fire insurance and could pay her deductible.
She said she’s in the Outer East Bay, not SF. I’m in the East Bay ‘burbs and there are a bunch, particularly I think as you get out in Walnut Creek+. I don’t think TICs are as much of a thing outside of the city of SF. But yet, definitely a big difference between that and a townhome.
Agree about Walnut Creek – add Pleasant Hill and Concord. I casually browse listings like this all the time.
One thing you have to be careful of is whether the listing you’re seeing is only for people over 55. It’s not always clear.
We would love to be in Marin in an ideal world (perfect weather and good schools), but don’t think we can afford even a small townhouse there. East Bay it is.
Go a little further north to Petaluma, Santa Rosa, Sebastopol and West Sonoma County if you’re geographically flexible – lots of affordable by Bay Area standards single family homes there.
We’re not that flexible, unfortunately, but those are some nice towns.
If you are still reading, check out Novato. A friend got a great TH there
I don’t think townhouses are a bad deal, if you need reassurance. I made $100k when I sold mine in a suburb.
Agree — it’s so nice to have one door to the outside and to outsource the maintenance (who am I kidding about spending all weekend doing home exterior stuff?).
We live in an area (DC) with tons of townhouses, many in very desirable neighborhoods, and have lived in one for 11 years. Pros- I think our heating and cooling costs are very reasonable because we’re insulated on both sides. Our townhouse is very old which means very thick walls, so we hear very little from our neighbors. Less yard, less maintence time and money. No HOA. Cons- if you have bad neighbors who won’t treat pests, or are super loud, that’s a problem that’s hard to solve. Also we had a leak in our roof because our neighbors replaced theirs using random contractors from Home Depot that did a TERRIBLE job, so that triggered a big expense for us.
I grew up in condos and townhomes in Southern California. I liked it!
End / corner units are best because you share fewer walls and have more light. If it has an HOA, attend the meetings and be aware of budget issues.
If it’s a townhouse with an HOA, ask for copies of the last several minutes of meetings (see if potential upcoming expenses and also if the board is not disfunctional), all the governing documents, and the financials. You want to be certain that the financial reserves are healthy, or be prepared to pay assessments on the regular.
When you are going through the purchase process, you will get disclosures of any lawsuits against the HOA, and of their reserves for repairs and pattern of prior assessments. I might avoid communities with a lot of retirees, not because I am ageist, but because they have too much spare time on their hands and sue the HOA over everything. If it’s a community like that you will see a lot of nuisance lawsuits.
Thanks everyone! This has been helpful.
Get the financials for the past 5 years and the minutes of meetings in addition to by laws. I discounted anything that had an assessment for an already incurred expense.
I own a multi family row house in NYC area which is freehold (no HOA), which I used as a single family home when I could afford it. I have shared walls both sides but no issues.
At the time we were too close for my comfort to buy a single family row house so did a multifamily, renting out half of the building. I also got a 30 year mortgage and paid it off like it was a 15 year mortgage while I could. If you are thinking to have more than one child, I think this is a sensible approach if you swing it. Moving is expensive so avoiding the 10% buy/sell cost was worth it for me.
How do you all handle stress at work? My job is pretty stressful (unclear expectations, confidential work topics [all newsworthy] with varying degrees of “clearance” that personnel around me don’t necessarily follow, a leader who doesn’t have strong domain skills and compensates with cutthroat behavior, stealth firings, etc).
On reflection, I have fair stress resilience except where I feel I am not measuring up in some way to people. A big part of it is that awful and limited-skills leader. He isn’t my boss (my actual boss doubles as my mentor and does his best to support me while we’re both in the thick of it), but he has built a perception somehow in his mind that I’m not good at my role and corrects me publicly even though he is in the wrong.
I am regularly recognized at the highest levels of leadership at my company for doing great work and being a strong partner. But this leader has the ear of my boss and it stresses me out, and any mistake I make, I perceive as amplified by maybe 10x.
I guess that’s the root of it. How do you handle this stress? Any reformed people-pleasers willing to surrender their secrets? I will make mistakes, and have made some, and it’s such an overwhelming feeling each time.
You’re in a tough situation, so give yourself some grace for feeling stressed. (I get the feeling that you’re blaming yourself for being stressed.) You are not your job. TBH, I don’t deal well with this kind of stress, either, so I don’t have many great tips to share, other than to try and separate your self-worth from your bosses’ impressions.
You’ve identified that you’re a people-pleaser and it’s stressing you out. Is this so ingrained as a life pattern (based on long-standing events or dynamics) that therapy would be helpful for it? If so, start there.
If not, start googling around for work coaches or experts to listen to who share strategies in talks or videos. Listen to them, start gleaning what sounds useful, and start practicing different approaches.
I usually find that it takes listening to people in the background — a lot — and making small changes, consistently, over time, to change my habitual responses to situations. There are practical things that will help, but I need regular input to help me remember to do them consistently.
One of my best friends is eloping next week, and I would like to get a gift. They are well off and pretty much buy themselves anything they want. They are also not drinkers. She is taking his last name, so the only idea I have so far is a cutting board with their last name.
Does anyone have ideas of other gifts? Or ahas anyone gotten such a cutting board and have a recommendation for a company that does good work?
A little something from Simon Pearce? They have gorgeous bowls, vases, etc. of all sizes. You could fill the bowl or vase with whatever is appropriate (fancy nuts, flowers, etc) to gift.
I like Michael Aram for this kind of thing. Beautiful pieces that people wouldn’t normally splurge on
This sounds like DH when we got married. Someone gave us one of those cutting boards, and we gave it to my MIL because we already had cutting boards we liked.
Best gifts we received were cards wishing us well and gift cards to restaurants to celebrate (or being taken out to a celebratory dinner by the friend is even better if you’re local).
I eloped in similar circumstances and loved absolutely every gift – it was so touching that people celebrated despite us not having a wedding. Love your idea, I’d have used it all the time. There’s lots of things to monogram too – glassware, guest towels, Mark and Graham has a lot of gift options and ideas.
+1 I think we got only one physical wedding gift (which is fine! I wasn’t expecting any!) and I really treasure it.
I think monograms and engraved names are definitely a know your friend kind of gift. I’m more of the I’m not a cow, I don’t need to be branded persuasion and especially don’t like that kind of gift because you can’t even give them away if you don’t like them. I agree with the post above that dinner out is nicer, with you, if possible. Or some sort of serving bowl or platter would be fine too, just not with my name on it!
Same. I’d avoid the names and monograms to be safe. Nice stuff is still nice without words on it. Perhaps even nicer.
+1 re. the monogramming. DH and I quasi-eloped – just did a courthouse wedding in a nearby city and and a really nice dinner w/ immediate family. A few friends sent gifts – things like not-expensive but unique serving bowls. I was touched, and still think of them when I use the items 25 years later.
Restaurants gift cards; a membership to a museum; tickets to a play or a concert (or something along those lines, according to what they like).
If you’d like to get something tangible, I am of the belief that you can never have enough high-end towels, and it’s not something people often buy for themselves.
Kind of an off the wall idea, is there something kind of photogenic about their elopement you could have turned into an art print from a vendor off of Etsy? Maybe if they’re getting married at a neat venue a watercoloring of the building, if they have a fun engagement photo you could have turned into line art, of if they have a pet, maybe some sort of art with the pet and their wedding date below?
A nice customized return address stamp with both of their names.
Oh this is a nice one, despite my upthread “no name presents!” protest earlier. I received one of these when we bought our first house and it was a fun treat. We moved after 3 years but loved it while we had it!
We got one of these for Christmas one year and had sold our house by March, haha.
For people that buy what they want, I generally tend towards frivolous but fun gifts – think matching espresso cups from a designer brand or crystal shot glasses.
My most treasured wedding gift is a clay fruit bowl etched with the phrase: “Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” It’s nothing I ever would have bought myself, on-theme for a wedding, but not too on the nose.
Gift card for a really nice restaurant so they can celebrate after eloping- friends of mine did this for me and it was so wonderful to have a memorable dinner out.
On three separate occasions over the years I have arranged for a bridal bouquet to be delivered to an eloping bride, and each time it was a huge hit. I realize that these days an “elopment” may well include such a thing, as well as a photographer and Lord knows what-all, so proceed with caution. But if they really are planning to do no frills at all, it’s a thought.
I vote for this. Even if it is just to deliver flowers to their hotel room.
For my BFF’s wedding (immediately family only and also i had given birth like 10 days earlier), I sent a charcuterie board / wine to her hotel room where I knew she was getting ready AND emailed her the “speech i would have given” if it was a wedding with speeches. Very well received. She gets gets very hangry… so snacks before the event / after her day of travel were important.
Would you be on board with your spouse quitting their job with nothing lined up? I am the spouse who wants to quit. I am exhausted, burned out, stressed out, and utterly over it. Between job stress and stress in my personal life (terminally ill parent), there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Job is very much affected by the current federal happenings. I have been here 15 years. I have never quit anything in my life without a backup plan. We have a very healthy savings account. Spouse is not on board with this idea at all, and while I completely understand all the reasons why, I also feel like he isn’t recognizing how deeply my job is affecting my mental health. I would love to have six months to recuperate, job search, and take care of things on the home front. We have two kids, both in school.
How do you reconcile something like this with a spouse? Or, if staying is the right move, how do I find more support for myself? I literally feel ill walking into the building in the morning.
Highly circumstantial but generally no, I wouldn’t be okay with it. I would be more likely if spouse was already job searching. I’d be very concerned that six months would turn into forever. I would also be especially concerned in this market. I would support therapy, a vacation, a job coach.
Same. We are partners and this is such a significant thing. It would be different if you had a plan and had started pursuing it. Like if you started interviewing now (hard, slow) for something to start in October, that would be one thing. Slow walk what you can at work, but fast walk the next job. Absent a move, IMO, people will look at you funny for walking away and taking time off like what you want. That is basically retiring. If my spouse just quit, without trying to slow-walk work, without making a plan, without mental health counseling, without looking at what FMLA leave and vacation and unpaid leave might be available, I’d be livid.
Same
This is where I fall too.
Yep. Just went through this with my husband. I have expectations about how he is going to support my own need for some kind of break in the future. But he really, really needed to stop working where he did. His misery was seriously impacting our relationship.
This is what leave, even if unpaid, is for. A person with options they don’t use and quits vs plans, is not someone who looks like a good new hire or a good partner.
Agreed. Can you take FMLA leave to deal with your parent or your own mental health issues for a little while? This seems like a much better (and less permanent option) than just quitting without a plan.
I suppose I could, though if it’s a situation where things aren’t actually going to change at work, taking leave would prolong the inevitable. But I hear what people are saying.
Like use the time at first to decompress and then to ease into your job search.
Instead of prolonging the inevitable, think of the leave as an experiment: you get the time to figure out if a) how much better quitting the job actually makes your day to day [vs. what part of the stress is eldercare, or something else; so you can make an informed decision about the trade-offs of throwing $ at something vs quitting] and b) how the new job market will be for you and c) how your relationship dynamic actually goes when you’re not going to work every day. Put a decision-day on the calendar and give yourself X weeks where you don’t even think about the decision if that helps
(That said, easier said than done: I finally got laid off from a job that was going down the tubes a few months ago, and the first friend I met up with said “wow, what happened, you look so young now”. I can understand the feeling of just needing to Be Out).
It doesn’t have to solve all of your problems to be a good first step.
Taking leave would also allow someone to stop treading water and get a clear picture on their situation. I think having some space to breathe can do wonders for your mental state and path going forward.
I did this when I was at BigLaw, and it saved me. I spent the first month just decompressing and then the next two job searching. I found a new job while I was on FMLA and took it. More than a decade later, I’m still in that new job. If I hadn’t found something that was a better fit for me, I at least would have had 3 months to recover before going back to the grind.
I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel and was pretty mentally paralyzed until I went on leave and could focus on things other than surviving.
With a terminally ill parent, then I double down on the suggestion to take leave. Particularly if you are close to your parent, spend the time together because you don’t get it back (said by someone who just lost a very dear parent a few years ago).
Prolonging the inevitable is literally the point? It gives you time to make a plan while still technically being employed so you don’t have a gap in your resume.
Also agree this is highly circumstantial, but in most cases, no. And in based on the info you gave, probably not. Is there anything preventing you from job searching now? I hear you that its affecting your mental health, and I too have experienced that “feeling ill when you walk into the building,” but IMO, that’s a reason to do more to protect your mental health and job search, but not enough to simply quit without a solid next step. Maybe I’m hardened from being un/underemployed during the great recession, but I’d have to be on the verge of a complete mental break down – a real one requiring inpatient treatment, not the daily “MTBs” my gen z colleagues speak of when someone sends a follow-up email- to quit without a job lined up.
Worst case scenario: can you live off one income indefinitely? Are you prepared to become a SAHM and cut out aftercare, etc if getting back into the workforce proves more difficult than expected?
If the answers to both of those are yes, then I don’t see a problem. It’s weird to me that a person would value money and jobs over the mental health and well-being of their spouse. It seems you’ve put a lot of thought into this and believe this is the healthiest, best choice for you. Yes, you are a team, but as long as you aren’t sending your family into destitution, the person who is most affected gets the final say. That’s you.
No f-ing way in my house – I didn’t sign up to be the primary breadwinner without planning. That’s way too much stress to put on one partner. I’d be livid.
It’s been said here before, but some of you really don’t seem to like your spouses. Marriage is a give and take and often one person has to pick up the slack out of kindness or compassion for the other one. Not everything is tit for tat “fair”. I can’t imagine insisting my spouse stay in a toxic job because it’s not fair she gets to stay home….while she manages the house and is a caregiver for multiple generations.
Obviously you don’t completely disregard your partner’s desires, and you try to come to a compromise, but sometimes you have to put your own health first. (My body my choice, right?)
Fortunately I married someone way more resourceful and resilient.
Sometimes you’ve got to suck it up and be an adult. That means having a job. You have to figure out how to make that work.
But her sole choices aren’t to either suck it up and stay in her toxic job forever vs. be an indefinite SAHM.
The other spouse’s mental health matters, too.
Many spouses find that their mental health is negatively affected by being the sole breadwinner. I won’t ever forget my father getting a lot of crap at work, then finally telling his boss that he didn’t need the job because his wife outearns him. The crap at work went way down, because no one wanted Steve to quit.
So the spouse that quits first due to stress gets to stay home because they aren’t the one sending the family into destitution? Everyone is stressed and burned out these days and we can’t all simultaneously quit because we feel like it.
Right? And if you’re single (or the sole breadwinner), you actually have to figure this ish out on your own, not just quit.
People have different circumstances. A person with the means to take time off from work doesn’t have to keep punishing themselves just because others can’t. A person with a trust fund doesn’t have to work at all. Etc.
As a spouse, I haven’t signed on to be the sudden indefinite (because you may not find a new job that pays equivalently or find it quickly) sole breadwinner absent involuntary circumstances beyond my spouse’s control. I suspect that many spouses on this board feel similarly, as do their spouses. I’d expect my spouse to have a discussion and for spouse to try less-drastic means of solving the problem prior to quitting any job; if that failed, then we’d move on to next steps, but leave = breathing room.
Raises hand – I am single and quit my job with a kid and a mortgage because my boss was a toxic, narcissist who was setting me up to take the fall for her incompetence (let’s just say I had a lot of sympathy for the poster the other day whose boss changed her work product and then blamed her for it). I could not sleep. I was losing weight. In the end, I decided my mental health was worth more than a paycheck. I had a rainy-day fund and it was pouring.
And I would have been livid if I was married to someone who discounted that.
Yeah, I wonder if the underlying difference is “some people can see themselves quitting even if single; and some people would never”. I took a voluntary redundancy from a job I knew was a dead end while single, my emergency plan was my savings and my ability to get a survival job if needed. It’s always *possible* the worst case happens: you never get another good paying job, the house needs expensive repairs & your health craters all at the same time, but I think of it as any other calculated risk – financial or otherwise. I also wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where eg. my spouse didn’t want me ever mountain biking because I might die or become disabled, or objected to me retiring at 65 because what if we live to be 120 and outlast our savings? I can’t tell you if your personal situation is more a “risk worth taking” like mountain biking or a “risk not worth taking”, like “rides motorcycles with no helmet”
But the flip side is, if I know my spouse generally puts my and our family’s best interest first, and generally has good judgement, and he thought my plan was too risky to be worth it, I would take that very seriously.
I’m in a similar situation. My job is RTO full time sometime in 2026; currently full time remote. I’m very burned out from caregiving responsibilities that have no end in sight. I decided I’ll only work full time remote for the rest of my career (I’m in my 50s). We don’t desperately need my salary at this point in our lives. I’m looking around for something else, halfheartedly at the moment. If something falls in my lap I’ll take it, but otherwise I’ll take some time off.
This was me in 2025. Once I knew my end was in sight (I was given a RTO or mandatory resignation date) I did the bare minimum and job searched. In retrospect, it was amazing how few people cared that I was phoning it in.
Unfortunately my job is stressful, involving deadlines and managing a team, so there’s not much I can do to phone it in aside from pushing off some enhancement projects.
Mine was stressful with lots of deadlines too. Short of regulatory deadlines, I was amazed by people’s reactions when I said my team’s capacity was capped and the deadline would need to be moved.
Every situation is different. My husband expects to get laid off soon. I have encouraged him to take time off before looking for a new job after he gets laid off (why not wait to get the severance?). He is miserable and drained. I know he needs a break for his mental and physical health. We can afford it, and if he doesn’t go back work, that’s ok too. I know he would support me doing the same if our positions were reversed, but I am trapped in my job for a few more years to get my full pension.
Take leave ASAP. I was severely burned out after the pandemic and took an unpaid leave of absence. It is amazing what actually resting and sleeping can do for the mind and body. I took an indefinite leave, but ended up only being out for three months.
With a clear head, you can start applying for other jobs. It is much easier to find a job when you are employed. Your family also has the security of your existing job being available.
If you can swing FMLA leave, I’d do that first
But I’m on the other side – I would be ok with it. There’s more to life than working and a job that makes you feel sick with dread every day isn’t worth it – and often isn’t a good long term investment. (Given what you said about healthy savings, assuming a generally even partnership to this point, etc). I’d sit down with partner to understand more about his objections – is it a “this isn’t fair” situation, he wants higher savings than you, he thinks it’ll be hard/impossible to find a new job where you think it’ll take 3 months, he wants to retire early and this will push back the timeline, etc? But I wouldn’t object to a partner taking time off just on principle.
Spouse had the chance to quit and get 3 months severance or continue at 75% salary. He really wanted a vacation. I said hell no. Even with a job, it took over a year to get another job and I suspect that if he had no job it could have been twice that easily. So two years, no income, no health insurance, no years of paying into a 401K. Not to mention the mental toll of 2 years of looking vs what a year of that did to him. Nope, not ever OK when there is leave that you could take for stress.
I would not be okay with it, but seeing you have a terminal parent: assuming you’re close I would spend as much time as possible with them so that may mean needing to quit.
THIS IS WHAT LEAVE IS FOR!
Dude, calm down.
For real. Take FMLA. Don’t be so extreme in your reaction.
Leave is limited.
Yes. But we’re incredibly lucky and have set up our lives to be ok with a single job or no job at least for a while. I’m getting to the point where our physical and mental health are just more important than anything. Op I’ve been in your shoes and my amazing husband said it would be ok if I quit. Not ideal but ok. I ended up getting a less stressful and somehow higher paying job. I realize that’s probably not the outcome for everyone but it really worked great.
I was you about a year and a half ago and I quit a really toxic workplace (no FMLA option) with no notice due to seriously mounting MH concerns. DH was very supportive. We do not make anywhere near the money on this board, and we don’t have kids. We figured it out. I started my own small consulting operation after a few months and while I don’t make half of what I used to (close, though!), I’m profitable. And most importantly: I’m well again.
Just adding a different perspective. Other posters raise great points to consider, and sometimes the calculus comes out as a YES rather than a NO or Later.
Right — at least try life on leave. Don’t make the most drastic unreversible change first.
Yes, if leave is available. It isn’t always, a la FMLA. However, try to negotiate some leave!
Also, in my case, I had taken 2 big hits to my career to favor his already in our marriage by that point, and he was like “it is your turn! take the time!” Again, give and take as others have mentioned. He lost his job early on in our marriage, and I was suddenly the sole breadwinner for about 4-5 months. It was fine.
Again, though: we don’t have kids. I think that’s probably a factor I’m glad I didn’t have to consider.
Have you explored FMLA leave in connection with the terminally ill parent’s care? That is the first avenue I would go down.
Honestly, I have had jobs I felt this way about and … I just kept going. I had nobody to fall back on in terms of family and so I stayed until I found another job. You can keep doing it if you have to.
The point is that OP doesn’t *have to* keep doing it. It sounds like her spouse makes enough money to support their family for while. At a certain point the stress becomes a physical health issue and can destroy a marriage. I completely get how OP is feeling and it’s pretty condescending to tell her to suck it up. I agree with the other comments to take leave for a couple months before reassessing though
I did this. We could generally live off one income and I had lots of savings because I was a decently high earner for many years.
Just to answer the question about spousal support: yes, if I told my husband that I was in a place mentally to where I needed to outright quit, he would support me 100%. And if he were in that bad of a place, I would support him. Of course we’d talk through other options and the potential impact on a future job search, but ultimately we can make do on one salary for awhile, we are a team, and we will do what we need to do to support each other’s well being. He would be picking up a lot of slack at home so there would be some upside to the situation.
Caveat: he is not the type who would quit and then just….never bother to get a new job. I’ve seen other men do that, and if I thought there was a risk of that, I would not be supportive of him quitting.
With all that said, I agree with others that it’s in your best interest to explore all other options before quitting with nothing lined up. But just wanted to chime in on the spouse part.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I am not the type to quit and never work again. That is NOT something my spouse needs to worry about, and he knows it. I know full well it would a risky move, though. I guess I’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that what I think would be best for my well-being is something that my spouse is never going to be comfortable with, even though we could make it work.
You know him quite well. Is he the kind of person who digs in his heels for no reason, and is unreasonable or uncaring in general, about how life is affecting you? If so, that would be a long-standing marriage problem that is playing out in this specific scenario. Or, is he generally easy-going and caring and supportive, but the idea of you quitting your job lands in a specific place for him where he shuts down or is incapable of listening to you, because of his values, his experiences with money, his dislike of risk, or some other reason? That’s a different kind of issue to deal with.
Why can’t you take leave and reevaluate? You’ve seemingly got no answer to that. Quitting is always an option later on.
What would you plan be if you quit and your spouse lost their job the next day? For me, that would send my stress level over the edge. FMLA is the way to go. Collect yourself.
If they can live off one income and have an emergency fund, then they won’t be depleting the emergency fund if she quits and it will still be there in case her husband gets laid off.
Yep OP, I hear you. (This is anon 11:05). Honestly I bet if he would just tell you he’d support your choice, you’d feel a ton better and perhaps even like you have more emotional bandwidth to explore leave / job search. A big issue here is that you don’t feel like he has your back, and I think it’s making the situation feel more desperate. I am rooting for you!
No I wouldn’t. But I would support you taking leave. Get a doctor’s note and take three months leave. Use the time to catch your breath. Maybe job hunt a little.
I would not love the stress of being a sole earner, but I know if my spouse ever came to me and said that’s what he needed to do, he would really need to do it. He’s not the type to quit on a whim. I want him to be happy.
If we can afford it and I don’t think it’s to feed something unhealthy (like more time to gamble or whatever), yes, of course.
I am surprised by the number of people who are against this. I do not think that what my spouse brings to the table is reducible to a paycheck and I trust him completely to know when he needs to quit vs. take leave vs. stick it out.
We have always kept our lifestyle to one income. There have been points in our marriage in which we had two incomes but that was never relied upon, so we have both had freedom to take breaks, make a career change, go back to school, be a stay-at-home parent, cut way back to take care of elderly parents or other relatives, etc.
Agree that FMLA leave sounds ideal here, but if my spouse said, “I need to quit” I would believe them and we would make it work.
If you can live on one income, then you are not most working couples. That is what gives you the grace to be flexible.
For many / most other people, their spouse isn’t a paycheck, but the paycheck is what keeps a roof over your head, the daycare bills paid (if you aren’t working, at a certain point, you would give up those daycare spots, which can take time and waitlists to get in the first place). It’s not “can we be in a posher place,” it’s “we have 10 months left on the lease even if we move into your mom’s moldy basement.” IDK that I’d do any of that without investigating less drastic ways to fix a problem (that with the sick parents, could be finite or could be ongoing for years).
But we’re talking about this board, where I’m guessing most people do have some freedom to make a choice. OP herself said they have a very healthy savings account. That’s what savings are for – to let you make choices and buy you time
I think especially on this board. Lots of people using loan repayment options. Lots of public sector workers. Lots of HCOL and VHCOL cities. I think it’s people who need two salaries to live a middle-class life (high income but high expenses).
My friends who went to Average State U who teach school in the towns they grew up in and married locals and have 2 sets of relatives to help when one elder gets sick are able to manage these things so much better, even with kids at home in the mix.
I’d be willing to reevaluate part way through leave but I see no reason to not first take leave.
Right?
I had a long-distance parent with a terminal diagnosis 24 months ago and leave and remote work options were the first options I looked at, immediately after getting off the phone and talking to spouse. I talked to my office head (receptive and helpful) early and often throughout the process. For people in a similar boat — be as proactive as you can as early as you can. People often will really want to help and be supportive. Don’t wait until things get dire for you — put your life jacket on first and keep checking it.
I did encourage my husband to do this (although he didn’t). It probably depends on objective measures of risk – savings, expenses, security of his job and your ability to find something better. In addition though are the subjective things like spending time with a dying relative as well as ingrained beliefs about quitting, duty, scarcity etc. I think life is too short to stay miserable if there is another option.
I am the higher earner in our house and during the pandemic I was very stressed between trying to work from home and manage virtual school for our young children. I was ready to outright quit my job with nothing lined up and no plan. I didn’t end up doing that and I instead took some time off and tried to have better boundaries around my time. But my husband told me I could quit if I wanted to. He said it would mean a pretty major change to our lifestyle without my income, but that he supported me if that is what I needed to do.
If your husband was the lower earner, why wasn’t he doing school?
My job was much more flexible and could be done remotely. He works in a hospital and cannot work from home.
How old are you? Do you have kids? Will you have kids? Are you both OK with this spouse being unemployed for 2 years? What will this spouse do in terms of job hunting?
If you talk through all those questions and agree on the answers, then yes. FWIW, if I were the spouse wanting to quit, I’d be looking NOW, as well as lining up temp work, putting feelers out for consulting, etc. I’d also cut way back on expenses and lean way out at work. Let them fire you.
Generally, I would be really against this. I would hope my spouse would be job searching before it gets to this point (just as I’ve done myself). You never know how long a job hunt is going to take and you are far more marketable when currently employed. Maybe it’s PTSD talking–but I once had severe job stress (losing weight, insomnia, etc.) and quit without anything lined up. 9/11 happened two weeks later and suddenly it was impossible to find another job. I didn’t get anything until April of that year and settled for something that I wasn’t all that excited about because I knew I needed to get something, anything to minimize that gap and get off of COBRA insurance ASAP. That choice impacted my career in such a powerful way–even all these years later, I consider it one of my biggest mistakes. If you think the stress of a bad job is tough, the stress of being unemployed is usually tougher. There also are a lot of unknowns here–kids are in grade school or college? What do monthly expenses look like compared to the spouse’s income? What will you do for health insurance for the entire family if spouse loses job–and how long can you afford that? How secure is spouse’s job? With so many layoffs happening in my circles right now, purchasing power fading, and so much uncertainty generally from the economy to global security, I’d be really hesitant to willingly make my whole family’s financial security more vulnerable.
100% depends on my employment situation. If I’m making enough to cover the bills and don’t hate my job as well, I’m fully supportive of my spouse quitting for a bit to recover, regroup, and find a new better job. If I also hate my job and we can’t afford to go without their income, why are they the one allowed to quit instead of me?
No but my spouse is the breadwinner and we really can’t live comfortably on my salary alone. If the salaries were reversed and he was willing to pick up more slack at home while unemployed, 100% yes.
No, I would not be ok with my spouse unilaterally deciding I needed to support them financially now. Sorry. I just wouldn’t. This needs to be a two yes situation.
I’m also genuinely (not judgementally) surprised by the amount of “no, never” replies. It’s a huge joint decision that needs to be worked out together, but this is something we’ve offered to each other over the years when work has been sh—y.
FWIW, my husband *told* me to quit my job when it was apparent to him how badly it was affecting my mental and physical health. It sounds like it may not be apparent to your husband yet, but if it’s as bad as you say, yes. Slightly different situation since my husband had the opportunity to essentially quit with severance (fed gov) earlier this year, but his reasons were the same and I supported it even though his plan is to start a business, not find another salaried job. What made me comfortable with it was a very thorough cash flow analysis and financial plan (fee based financial planner to help game this out might be worth it, if you do not have a financial planner).
It depends a lot on your financial situation, though, and benefits to some extent. Do you have good insurance options without your job? Do you have savings to maintain an acceptable lifestyle for 8-12 months? The job market is rough right now, and it sounds like you want a full break for at least a couple months before you start looking. FWIW, it took me 6 months of serious job searching to find a job earlier this year. You also should have a plan to get *some* net income after that, even if you’re unable to find a comparable job… if all of that is in place, do it.
I was lucky enough to be laid off with severance from the job my husband told me to quit a couple months after that conversation, and I can’t tell you how much difference a month or two away from it made. I felt like a new person. Or even just like a person again. It also made everyone in my family’s life a lot easier because I had more bandwidth to help with errands, kid chauffeuring, and just being present and way less stressed and snappish.
I’m 30 and finally feel like I have most things that I “need”. My job is business casual, so I have lots of clothing that can pull “double duty” and over the course of my 20s I’ve acquired a mostly full wardrobe, the apartment stuff I need, and things for my hobbies.
I’m moving next month and trying to donate all of the extra stuff: clothes I don’t really wear anymore, beauty stuff I don’t use, books I’m not going to read, kitchen stuff I don’t use.
How much “stuff” does everyone have? I work in office 5 days a week, workout 4-6 days a week, and do a lot of social stuff after work … I feel like I have too much clothing but I also like to be on trend. How much clothing and how many pairs of shoes do I need? I crochet, how much yarn do I need to keep on hand? Do I need my air fryer and a microwave?
Going forward – how do I keep my wardrobe current without buying more than I need?
For the wardrobe current – I have a rule that if I get something I have to get ride of (donate/sell/throw away if no longer good quality) something else. So at least my wardrobe has to stay the same size, but can be updated.
I don’t love having a lot of stuff. I try to go on buying fasts for a month or so at a time, to help me assess what I really need. Typically, I realize that I don’t need that kitchen utensil, or that I don’t need those shoes, or makeup, etc. But I also realize the opposite: yes, I really do need new bras, etc.
One in-one out is a helpful calculus, particularly for wardrobe stuff.
“Need” for clothing is subjective and based on your job, commute, types of activities you do. My rule of thumb is that if I didn’t wear the article of clothing at all the last season (like a sweater in fall/winter), then donate it. Better to donate it while it’s still somewhat on trend and someone else will appreciate the good find. For purchasing, I buy a few new shirts or tops each season, but rarely buy pants because the styles change less frequently. Same for kitchen gadgets–if I didn’t use it in the past year, or only use it once a year, do I really need it? I’ve never had an air fryer, so I don’t even know that I miss it. If you donate it and later decide you want it, there are plenty to be found on f-book marketplace. I purge my books every move by donating nearly all of them to Free Little Libraries around the neighborhood.
I keep a lot of craft supplies. I’ve been toting around the same sewing machine and fabrics for about ten years. I suppose I keep some of the fabric for more sentimental reasons–like a cut my mom gave me that I’m saving for something special, or fabric that feels very “me”–and I value having the opportunity for self-expression and identity that those fabrics represent. So I have too many! But I also have almost zero framed photos because they’re not my thing. Sentimental stuff is hard to categorize by “need.”
+1 to the clothing approach. I also donate if I only wear something as a last resort on laundry day, or I’d be embarrassed to run into an acquaintance while wearing it
I do a less restrictive rule, if it is not special purpose (e.g., gowns, the really warm winter sweater for -30C), then it goes if I haven’t worn it in two years.
I think everyone has a different “stuff” threshold. I’ll take the beauty of a clear countertop over the value or convenience of a rarely used appliance any day. Same with clothes; there’s a limit to how many I want to own. I’ve never pulled a random j crew sweater from four years ago out of a drawer and felt good about how it looked. At some point ownership becomes burdensome. Clothing and appliances are relatively cheap and plentiful; space and peace are pricey. I toss according.
Nobody can tell you numbers for this kind of stuff. Go by how much space you have, and how much “back supply” of stuff you have.
If you’re frustrated putting stuff away or finding places for things or you have piles of stuff sitting around that you don’t know what to do with, then you have more than you have space for and you need to get rid of stuff.
If you have so much of something (yarn, clothes, shoes, lipstick, skincare) that it would take years to use it up, you have more than you need.
You don’t NEED a microwave or an air fryer. Plenty of people don’t have them and manage to feed themselves just fine. They might be essential for the way you currently live, though. Go by the amount of space you have and how empty/full you prefer things to be. I don’t have counter space for a microwave, so I make do without it. I’d have one if I had space.
I have too many, including crochet. For hobby supplies the container method works best for me, especially since I cycle through periods where I might not do a particular hobby for months or years and then pick it back up.
Figure out what your storage capacity and tolerance for managing that is, and that will determine what you keep.
I dont have a microwave, toaster, or airfryer. They’re nice to haves but not worth the counterspace, storage or moving effort for me.
If the move is precipitating a desire to get rid of stuff, good for you!
I have a lot of stuff but that comes from owning a home and not moving for the better part of a decade. I still periodically purge stuff, but it’s more things that get worn out (nonstick frying pans, cooking utensils, mugs and bowls, pants, shoes, laptops and cell phones) rather than updating to a new style. It turns out a lot of things wear out after 8-10 years! But none of this has to do with you; are you ready to have a few years of living minimally? Great! Do that. But it’s a decision you can change course on when your circumstances change.
I am an evaluation researcher who needs to rebrand myself as a data scientist ASAP. My field uses traditional frequentist econometric models so I don’t have anything beyond one basic course in machine learning. I primarily use R and have done some work in Python. What skills, programming languages, packages, etc. do I need to prioritize learning? I want to be the one designing the analysis, not the one wrangling the data. I have a JD + quantitative master’s + PhD-level econometrics training that is now out of date.
You need to know SQL and brush up on Python skills.
If you’re designing the analysis and not doing the coding, you don’t really need to know any languages. A stronger stats background and analytic design knowledge would be more helpful.
I have a strong background in stats and research design–I have been a PI for years. It’s the machine learning and the business-y stuff that I don’t have.
I disagree with this. The best way to get in the door is to be able to do both – visualize a project/study, and also do the work yourself. I don’t think a person inexperienced in the hands on work is going to just get hired as a visionary.
Moving soon and I have two things of like recommendations for:
1) a small Bluetooth printer. I rarely need to print, but I also cannot print at work.
2) Tupperware or other food storage that doesn’t suck to store. I pack a lunch every day and I usually batch cook each week, so I need a fair amount of food storage.
As for number one, not what you asked because I don’t have a suggestion. But, I also rarely need to print and cannot print at work. Instead, I print at my local public library. The branch is close to my house and charges 20 cents per page. If this isn’t something you’ve considered and would be an option, I highly recommend.
Seconded! Whenever I’ve tried to have a “just occasionally” printer at home, it is always dead when needed (software out of date, ink dried up, etc). My public library is 100 pages per day FREE. and someone else orders new toner.
Eh I bought a “just like that” printer for the house and I’ve gotten great use out of it. No issues really. More convenient than the library. Not bluetooth though so wouldn’t help OP
This depends on your library’s hours. My library isn’t open on the weekends other than Saturday morning 9-noon, so having a printer makes sense.
Also, those printers are likely compromised so never print something sensitive like tax documents with your SSI number on them.
My office depot will also do this for 18c a page. There’s an option to send to an email address and then get a code to your email, which you use when you go into the store (so any confidential info is not exposed to humans theoretically) and all data is deleted within 24 hrs.
Does the printer need to be bluetooth? I have a printer in my office that I rarely use, and just plug the connector cord to my laptop when I need it.
Yes, because I don’t have a personal laptop right now. I either use my phone/ipad or very occasionally use my work computer for personal stuff.
I can’t print anything personal at work.
You just need a WiFi printer, not bluetooth assuming your devices are connected to your home network. I have the HP Officejet 250 which is one of the more expensive options but it was originally used for travel. Most of the HP WiFi printers will work for your purpose and the app is actually very useful with making PDFs.
Oh great, thanks for the clarification
I have an Hp printer for my business, which is based in my home. It’s not branded as a Bluetooth printer but I can print to it from my iPhone or personal laptop over WiFi. If the WiFi connection doesn’t work directly, I can also just send the printer an email (it has its own email address) with whatever I want printed included in the email as an attachment.
My printer is over 5 years old so I’m sure there are more bells and whistles now.
I would absolutely not be willing to walk to the library to print the occasional thing I need printed.
Agreed is bluetooth needed or just wifi enabled may be enough. We have a brother b&w toner based printer+copier. While not small, it’s been great for the last 5 years. We have yet needed to change the toner yet.
It’s on our home wifi and I’m able to print to it from any computer, ipad, iphone, etc as long as I’m on the same wifi.
For food storage, Rubbermaid brilliance containers. They don’t nest easily, but they do stack tidily without falling over and I’m a batch cook and freeze person and I’ve really liked them especially the 1.3 cup size . Ever since I’ve started putting the lid on each container and stacking them neatly , I haven’t ended up with lost lids, etc. I have plastic but they also come in glass.
I just bought a smallish Canon printer at Best Buy. Ink is expensive but, given how little I print, that is not an issue. It is invaluable for when I just really need to print a few pages. This is my second Canon and the first lasted for the better part of a decade.
Just don’t get sucked into their remote monitoring and ink shipping. It is not cost-effective for people who do not print regularly (and I did not like the idea of yet another company monitoring my actions).
if it’s for work, check that you can Bluetooth print from your laptop before going any further. my office does not allow Bluetooth connections to data – just dumb devices like earbuds, mouse, keyboard.
as far as food storage, my suggestion is to buy a set where the lids snap together for minimal chaos at rest.
For food storage, I have switched to deli containers after seeing them recommended somewhere online. They can go in the freezer, microwave, and dishwasher. The best part is that every size takes the same lid: https://www.amazon.com/DuraHome-Containers-Leakproof-Container-Microwavable/dp/B075X416X8/ref=sr_1_4_sspa?
I swear by pyrex food storage containers. They only stack 2-3 deep, but I also do a lot of batch cooking and they’re such workhorses for me. I have a ton of them, but I regularly use them all and they last forever without getting gross like the plastic ones do (and don’t leach nasty things into your food). I’ve had to replace a few lids over the decades, but even those hold up surprisingly well if you hand wash, and it’s easy to buy replacements. I also have some of the rubbermaid ones with red lids, which do stack better, but I don’t use them for anything I have to heat and even without heating food in them, they pick up odors and start to look bad faster.
I like the bentgo lunch boxes. I have 2, and they don’t really get stored. Each night, one is in the fridge with tomorrow’s lunch and the other is in the dishwasher. Sunday night, they’re both in the fridge with M/Tu. Then you can have your “raw materials” for lunch prepped in something else. (We use rubbermaid but it’s not great to store).
If you don’t print often, I strongly recommend against getting an ink jet printer, as the ink dries out when you aren’t printing regularly. And the replacement ink costs a small fortune. And avoid HP ink jets – especially if you get a color printer – as they are hated due to their programmed expiration dates on ink. And if the blue is getting low, you have to replace all the colors or it wont work.
Brother printers. A cheap laser printer. Fast, reliable, reasonably priced.
https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-home-printers/
Unfortunately, printers in general are bulky. I
Anyone up for a confessions thread? No judgement, no snark; yesterday was snarky enough.
I’d marry my closest work colleague tmrw if he ever opened his eyes and realized we’d be great together.
Dang, that’s a GOOD one.
Are you both single? If so, can you pursue it?
We are both single but he’s like the most appropriate man alive and I just haven’t been able to figure out a way!
Wanna grab lunch / a coffee?
Damn. I’m rooting for you (and for him to open his eyes, or maybe a coworker to metaphorically smack him upside the head).
Please keep us updated on this real life rom com! Rooting for you.
I did exactly that! We still work together. He’s absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t let a job get in the way of living your best life. Life is too short!
I met my husband at work. We were both single, we chatted etc at the office and went to parties at each other’s places. After a while he asked me if I’d help him with clothes shopping for a date with someone. It was a lot of fun and little did I know the someone he had in mind was me! I figured that out well after the fact. We became friends this way and then suddenly we were together. We like to say we never dated. Please post an update!
It’s been both satisfying and annoying to watch people who once called me b1goted for agreeing with JKR come around and say of course women’s sports should be for women only, when are Dems going to get that, do they want to keep losing elections? It’s like some of them forgot how rude and intolerant they were five years ago. But the satisfaction of being right and more importantly, seeing the tide turn in favor of women is ultimately the best part. Next up, women’s prisons.
Here’s mine. I think people who get hung up on single issues like this and ignore the dumpster fire we are in on every front with the current administration are just as much of a problem as the people who are going to lose their healthcare and still have 17 MAGA signs all over their lawn. Enjoy!
Most people can walk and chew gum at the same time. Holding a position on an issue doesn’t equal “getting hung up on” an issue.
My career is a total failure. I seem to have screwed up the new job that was my last chance. There is nowhere else left for me to apply and apparently I’m such a loser that I’d fail at any other job anyway. Can’t quit or get fired because we have a kid in college.
Sending my best. Feel free to post more here if you need support.
This internet stranger is here to tell you you’re not a loser. It might feel that way right now because you’re going through a tough spot. Hang in there. It will get better.
It would have been easier for me if my dad had predeceased my mom instead of the other way around.
Ugh, relate. In my (different) situation, I’m hoping in advance that one predeceases the other.
It’s the other way around for me, but I feel this in my bones.
Oh, same here. My mom had a nice pension and it died with her. I worried every single day for the next several years that my dad was going to outlive his money. And confession: I was very relieved when he didn’t.
Yeah, same.
Im married but have a dead bedroom (year?) for the lazy few months and fantasize about every fitness instructor at my luxury gym. I know most would be down, so it’s really just discipline and loyalty that keep me from acting on anything.
Good on you for the discipline and loyalty. Any hope of improvement in the marriage?
My husband has struggled with alcohol for a few years. And while I’m proud of him for how much he’s improved, I’m still on edge about it. I don’t know if I’m handling this the right way at all.
Is he still drinking? If so, you have every right to be on edge.
He is currently not drinking. His pattern is to binge at home alone. Any other drinking with others/in public was never a problem. Lately has gone multiple months between binges with no drinking in between, and those gaps keep getting bigger, which is clear progress. So, I’m cautiously optimistic.
I’m sorry. Someone in my family beat an opioid addiction but then began drinking again. It’s so rough.
Thank you. I’m sorry about your family member’s struggle. Addiction is hard – and as someone who doesn’t struggle with this, It’s hard to relate/know what is helpful.
I’m late to this, but the being on-edge and wondering if you’re handling the right way are things that couples’ counseling really helped with in my marriage. We’re much more able to talk about the challenging things than we were previously, and in a way that is healthy for each of us and for the relationship.
Thank you, we did go to couples counseling – and while it wasn’t a silver bullet, it helped us a lot. I think I just am in a space where while things are genuinely better, I need to learn to trust it! And, of course, some days are better than others.
Half confession, half vent: a good part of the reason I don’t have a relationship with my mother anymore is because I’m in perimenopause.
She’s 66 years old, had me when she was 21, and pretends to be in her early 50s. When I was younger, it wasn’t as bad: she pretended to be my sister (which hurt but okay), and I looked young for my age, so maybe it all worked out.
Since peri slammed into me, I just can’t deal with it anymore. She’s so nasty about me aging, but it’s like honey, your daughters are in peri or full on menopause, please stop pretending to be Gen X. I just can’t take her shaming me for not being 25.
You should be proud that you drew a boundary for your own self protection and self care. Your mother is not allowed to constantly insult you. There’s a very good book called The Good Daughter Syndrome by Katherine Fabrizio. Highly recommend.
Wow, that’s a lot. I’m sorry her insecurity has had such an impact on you and your siblings. I’m glad to hear you have sisters you can bond with over this.
I’m one year out from having my last child, and am ready to be thin again. Slowly gained 30-40 lbs over 3 pregnancies and made a commitment to myself to lose the weight, get fit, and feel good in my skin again. I’ve been counting calories, getting up early to exercise/walk, prioritizing walking a lot. A little ashamed to follow some of the #skinnytok content on instagram tiktok but I find it motivating (lots of 40 something women who have lost weight via counting calories and walking)…
I WFH and I don’t like it. The structure of going into the office was definitely a big plus for me. I do like my job a lot so I’m not going to look for a new job or anything, I just need more structure for myself.
What are some ways you add structure to your life while WFH?
I’m a morning person and also WFH full time. I prioritize getting up, working out, and showering first thing in the morning because it sets me up for a productive day. When I don’t do this, I find I struggle to get to work and focus.
I also hate WFH. Would never, ever want to do it full time. My best advice is to find a reason every day to leave the house. The cabin fever is awful.
Can you go to a co-working office?
Can you ask to come in a few days a week or are you super remote? I can’t imagine a company turning down someone who wants to come in…
OPs company may not have a local office if she was hired for a fully remote position.
I have a ritual that is similar to when I worked in an office. Itry to take a shower and put on a presentable outfit, even if it’s “fancy leggings.” I get myself tea in the AM, and then I sit down to really work. I use Clockwise to make sure that I have a lunch scheduled–I tell it that I want a half an hour between 11 and 230. During that time, I walk my dog and grab a quick lunch downstairs. I do not eat at my desk. I also try to take a quick break in the AM and a quick break in the PM to get tea, stretch legs, walk around, just as I would in the office.
I also try to schedule one “get to know you” zoom per month, which is helpful.
In the late afternoon/early evening 430-5ish, I take my dog for a longer walk. I will log on again after dinner most of the time. When I am done for the night, I shut my laptop and try not to carry my phone with slack around with me. Having a shutdown routine really helps me.
This is timely – I’m googling coworking spaces near my home for the same reasons.
I add some workout classes and errands that I would have previously done on the weekend. I love WFH because I get more balance in my life. Maybe make a list of things you weren’t able to get done in your normal 9-5?
When you say you are missing structure, are you struggling with motivation during the day? Or are you struggling to log off in the evening?
I have found unplugging during my lunch hour to go read in the living room helps me recharge and have a productive afternoon. But I am not disciplined enough for this to be a habit right now
Struggling with motivation during the day. Some type of log off ritual probably wouldn’t hurt. I think I have to basically implement a lot of whats been mentioned – getting dressed, lunch, etc.
Yeah. Not who you’re responding to but time pressure helps motivate me. If I know I have to be done by five to get ready a workout class or dinner then I’m happier to get started. Also a dedicated work space if you can swing it. Colleagues talk about taking their laptops in their beds and it’s wild to me. This thing might as well be a desktop bc it doesn’t leave my office ever.
I work out or go for a walk at lunch to keep my energy up. Intentionally scheduling out your day (what you want to do when) can also give you structure and goals. I also love calling a good friend for a laugh.
Do you have any experience with Metformin, Qsimya or Wellbutrin for weight loss? I have about 30 lbs to lose (in my early 40s) and I have been trying to do it on my own by calorie counting and lifestyle changes. It’s f-ing hard to do and I have had many starts and stops over the years, with minimal results. At my recent annual physical, my doctor went over all of the options to help support weight loss. She mentioned the three I listed above as less intense than the glp-1 injectables. I guess I am still trying to assess if should keep trying to do it on my own or when to seek support with these drugs.
Metformin has a mild appetite suppressant and you’re expected to lose 5% of your body weight in a year. 5% isn’t 30lbs for me, but it’s something. I can already be a little anxious, so I don’t want to take anything that will make it worse.
Qsimya made me feel like I was on speed. Anxiety thru the roof. Zero ability to sleep but zero appetite either. I’ve had great success on Zepbound. Maintaining a 44% bodyweight weight loss. Zero side effects.
I’ve taken both wellbutrin and topiramate (part of Qsimya), not for weight loss, but lost a fair amount of weight (20-30 lbs) while taking them. The weight stayed off for about a decade after I stopped taking wellbutrin, until my chronic m*igraine (and some other health issues) got so bad that I couldn’t exercise and was snacking all the time to alleviate nausea. Lost it all again very quickly after going on topiramate and have kept it off.
I am on Metformin for PCOS and I can see how it helps with weight loss. While I’m not overweight, once I started the drug I easily lost the extra 5 pounds that I had put on since starting an office job after grad school. Honestly though it’s not worth it – it makes me nauseous frequently and gives me heartburn. In my experience, you will have more extreme GI symptoms if you eat more than a single small serving of food with a high wheat flour content per day (so things like mass produced bread, pasta, crackers – I do fine with fancy whole wheat bread from the farmer’s market). But it makes me have regular cycles and helps me get pregnant, so I put up with it.
Metformin did not help me lose weight at all. But I am in menopause so that is a whole other level of weight loss difficulty. The only thing that worked for me was a GLP1.
Metformin worked really well for me initially, although I did not lose 30% by any means. It helped with the spikes of hunger to exhaustion I experienced due to insulin resistance. After menopause (same doseage) it is distinctly not working and I have some very troubling GI issues developed, making me miserable. I’m bringing it up in my next doctor appointment because I feel like I’m caught in a horrible Catch 22 situation now.
Oops, 5% loss. Yes, initially I did, but that didn’t last.
Ooops, 5% loss. Yes, initially, although it did not last.
Ask about trying a different manufacturer or about trying the name brand. If you can find out which manufacturer worked well for you in the past, it might be worth trying that one.
Metformin manufacturers have had quality control issues over the years, and the FDA probably is not at its best right now. And extended release formulations are not always equivalent the way active ingredients are supposed to be.
Thank you for the info!
Zepbound has very few debilitating side effects. I recommend, if you are a candidate, that you not be resistant to GLP-1s. They supercharge your diet and lifestyle changes. It’s not so bad, in my experience and that of many of my peri-menopausal friends. It was the kickstart that our bodies needed for weight to actually shed. Good luck!
This! I’m actually skeptical of your doctor for steering you away from them. Unless you have other medical issues that would contraindicate them, I might seek a second opinion.
If she only needs to lose 30 pounds, she probably doesn’t qualify for glp-1s.
That’s a bit odd- wellbutrin is a mild antidepressant – I’m surprised that’d get listed as a weight loss aid (unless you’re susceptible to compulsive eating).
(FYI I tried welbutrin for ADHD management off label and had an awful but atypical reaction- I felt like I was coming unglued).
I think classifying Wellbutrin mainly as an antidepressant is a USA thing.
I took Metformin for my PCOS for years and didn’t have much luck with weightloss until I upped the dosage. Even then, it was very slow and I did have side effects.
I did a year on Wegovy and lost about 25 lbs. I struggled with side effects at the low dose, but none at the max. I hit a plateau and switched to Zepbound in May and have had no side effects. I’m a slow responder…I’ve only lost about 6 lbs since the switch. So around 30ish pounds lost in over a year on a GLP-1. I have about 10-15 left to go.
I’ve been on metformin for nearly a year to address perimenopausal-related weight and A1C spike. I have been athletic all my life and wasn’t clinically overweight but had picked up an extra 15 lb despite working out + cutting calories. On metformin I lost 10% of my body weight in 6 months with no effort. I know it’s not necessarily a typical response, but has been very very helpful for me. No heartburn or nausea for me, but some gi distress if I eat certain things. I’m just not that interested in food anymore and I feel great.
Why just Wellbutrin and not Contrave? I like the bupropion + LDN combination for more energy, better sleep, less pain, and lower appetite. It just makes maintaining baseline health easier.
Metformin was different for me; my appetite seemed normal but the food didn’t seem to add up the same way, so it still made it easier to lose and maintain weight. Metformin has a lot of long term benefits that encouraged me to stay on it. For me, the name brand “Glucophage” had fewer GI side effects than the generic. The difference can be extreme (entirely unable to tolerate the med vs. totally fine). I’ve heard some generics are better than others, but I assume it can be individual.
Very late here but I’ve been on metformin for over a decade. I was put on it when I was first diagnosed with insulin resistant PCOS in the early days of my infertility battle. It did not produce any weight loss (or side effects).
I’ve been on GLP1 since March 2024 and I’m down almost 80 pounds. It has changed my life. I plan to be on it forever. My side effects are negligible and entirely manageable, downright predictable. I’m going to use real numbers here, but I’m 40, 5’8”, peaked at 242 pounds when I started (was four months postpartum so a little bit of that was baby weight for what it’s worth but was consistently in the low 200s at baseline pre-baby) so I had a lot to lose, but it has been incredible. I had previously lost 40 to 50 pounds several times in my 20s thanks to Weight Watchers and other efforts, but it just never stayed off. So in some ways, I am absolutely a textbook patient for GLP1 but I will never deter someone from using it who has more than a small amount of weight to lose.