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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Spring is coming and I’m ready for all the color, especially this gorgeous yellow dress from Eloquii. The shade is exquisite, the twisted shoulder detail is stunning, and the fit is impeccable. What more can we ask for?
I would add a navy blazer for a more formal office, but if bare arms are acceptable for you, go ahead and show off the beautiful detailing here.
The dress is $99.95 full price at Eloquii and comes in sizes 14–28 — and right now you can take 40% off with today's code. If yellow isn’t your thing, it also comes in navy, black, cornflower blue, and “botanical garden” green.
If you're looking for something similar in straight sizes, here's a midi sheath dress from Donna Ricco that's $109 at Nordstrom.
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Anon
I just realized a wardrobe hole: clothes for on-site client visits where the clients don’t wear suits but do dress formally (the old “business” emphasis business casual) and are in a somber mood due to economic headwinds. So, showing up in a rufflepuff (even without a textured knitted vest) would be so wrong (not that I’d do that, but it’s done in my office, often with mules or sneakers). Athleta, also not going to work. I think I need to stop buying casual items (which I needed to do due to size creep) and start buying good items that can serve multiple purposes.
I do have some budget though — where should I start looking, especially for blazers / jackets (cannot wear double-breasted ones as I’m short and small of shoulder and look like I took stuff from my dad)? Is this what Me + Em is for? Their catalogs started showing up and some of it might work? The Fold seems too formal to wear to places where people don’t wear suits. Also, maybe I need dresses that aren’t midi, which to me reads casual (yes? Or is that 2019 thinking?).
I just need a good place to start — I’m motivated and have some time this weekend now that I’ve gotten my taxes out of the way.
Anon
I love the MMLF Lydia plus a jacket for this.
Anon
Solid color long sleeve dress with clean lines, maybe with swacket/jardigan? I have some from MMLF and Boden that are a few years old. I think dress reads “nice but not fussy.”
Anon
This is something I’d wear pants, a blouse, and a swacket with nice shoes and nice jewelry for. Think Ann Taylor. Dresses are just…too fraught…these days – weird hemlines, weird details, weird colors, what are we doing with style – just oy.
Anon
Also, the legs/shoes issues. For an onsite visit, will it be freezing (no bare legs)? Will you be walking around the facility (comfortable shoes)? Will you be outdoors or indoors (both issues). Pants are much easier.
Anonymous
Huh? Wear a work dress. Why would you even consider wear a casual dress which is what rufflepuff dresses are. Why are you making this weird and complicated? Buy black pants wear them with a blouse.
Vicky Austin
If you read carefully, OP says people in her office do wear rufflepuff in this context, but she herself doesn’t want to. So she’s not considering it, just preempting the suggestion to look at what other people are wearing because they’re wearing rufflepuff.
Anon
This is the same poster who constantly has anxiety about what to wear.
Anonymous
Yup. It’s truly not that hard.
Anon
I don’t think it is. But who cares?
I actually have a similar question (need for similar type of more formal clothes right now), but as a mostly work from home person that has to transition back to in person very soon with similar more formal needs. I was curious what people would say.
I am in mostly Athleta at work from home, and would never wear anything ruffles/puffs/sneakers at work in person.
Anon
Skip the thread. Don’t bully.
Anonymous
It’s a fashion blog. Asking for outfit ideas.
Why not just skip instead of being nasty to someone?
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, OP is overthinking. Grab a couple pairs of neutral pants (black, gray, navy, etc) and some lightweight sweaters or LS tops to go with. Agree that Ann Taylor, Loft, Boden will probably have what you need.
Trish
Why are you mean? This site is for women who are trying to figure out what to wear. M-kay?
anon.
I got a dress from the Uniqlo Ines de la Fressange collection – it’s a black shirtdress, a little below knee length. Works great for this kind of thing.
Anonymous
There’s nothing inherently casual about a midi-length dress. It’s the cut, style, and fabric of the dress that makes it casual. Look for shirt dresses, wrap dresses or some other work-appropriate style (not rufflepuff!!) in a length that suits you. See Ann Taylor or Boden for examples, if you don’t want to go higher-end.
Get some black or navy trousers, a couple of jackets, and some blouses that suit you, and you’re good to go.
Anon
Me + Em reads very casual / weekend to me between the colors, the lack of structure in the clothes, the puffiness of a lot of sleeves, and the length of their dresses. In my business-casual-emphasis-on-the-business office, I wear dresses from The Fold, Brooks Brothers, Talbots, Lands End, Ann Taylor most in sheath / shift shapes with the occassional slight a-line and suit dresses without the blazers. For non-dress outfits I do ponte pants with silky blouses, button down shirts, or sweaters. Predominantly in the business rainbow: white, tan, navy, grey, pastel pink, light blue, black.
Anon
Business rainbow – I like this phrase!
Nesprin
Coming from the west coast, I’d add burgundy, forest green and brown to the business rainbow and subtract pink. But yes, you’re about right.
Anonymous
I LOVE forest green. I have an old MM Lafleur etsuko in a dark green and that dress is pure magic. I swear, I can be dropped into any situation and feel like I fit in. It works so well with my coloring, too (dark blonde. hair and skin that’s a neutral light). Should get more of it’s due as a work color since it pairs so well with black and grays and tans and cream and white.
Curious
Nesprin, you described everything I wear. #Seattle
anon
Every time you post, we all tell you to stop with all the parentheticals. Why do you ignore this advice over and over and over again? Can you please answer because I am truly curious.
Anon
May I suggest that you scroll by instead of being a bully? We constantly ask women to stop being mean girls and you still do it. Can you please answer why because I am curious.
anon
Nice try Anon but this is the only time anyone has ever called me a bully, while multiple people tell this woman to write more clearly. See the difference?
Anonymous
If you’re peppering your comments with things like “nice try” or rhetorical questions against someone’s POV or implying someone owes you some sort of explanation to a rude question that has come out of left field, then you’re not really behaving like a… non-bully.
Please Stop
Every time you post people tell you to stop being petty and nasty. Why do you ignore this advice over and over and over again? Could you please tell us why you feel the need to be incredibly rude to anonymous people on the internet because I am truly curious.
Anon
You’re the loser here, for the record. Find something better to do with your time.
Anon
Get 2-3 pairs of work pants in neutral colors (for instance mine are navy, charcoal, and beige, but most people would definitely have a black in there), then you may be able to wear tops you already have. Otherwise look for blouses to either match the pants – column of color – or in some of your favorite colors. I’d go solid and not print here.
Then you can choose a tweed or windowpane or whatever jacket with texture that goes with all of your pants. Personally I’d lean sweater jacket here because you’re not in a formal environment, and you may be able to get use out of it in your less formal office. I wore the mm lafleur Merrit sweater/jacket to a meeting yesterday and felt very appropriate.
Anon
Regular going anon for this.
Any recommendations for dealing with fibroid pain and discomfort? I have a hysterectomy scheduled for next quarter but the symptoms in the meantime have ratcheted up, like they know their time is short so they are going out with a bang.
Anon
No helpful hints, but I’ve seen every woman in my family suffer through this and they all went the same route you are. Solidarity! FWIW, my mom bled a LOT more when the pain was worse and became anemic, so please make sure that you are taking in enough iron to keep you from that or you will also be so, so tired and weak. Good luck!
Anon
Ugh, that sounds awful. Thankfully I am not bleeding to that extent (actually far further apart than my former normal, just like the floodgates have opened when it does hit). Between times I feel like an ever-expanding lead balloon has moved in.
Anon
I don’t have fibroids, but I’ve dealt with other types of chronic pain where those stick on heat pads are really helpful. Would those help for this?
Anon
Thank you! Not sure why this didn’t dawn on me sooner. A heating pad helps; I imagine these will, too. Running out at lunch to pick some up.
Anon
I had my hysterectomy last year, but previously, what worked for me for the most part was two Aleve as soon as I woke up, then one after lunch, one at around 5PM, and two before bed. Yes, it’s massively more than what the bottle said to do, but it was the only routine that kept it at bay. I never had any gastric upset from it, but YMMV.
Vioxx was the only other med that worked well for me, but it was taken off the market years ago.
Other than that, walking, even if I didn’t feel like it, did tend to help, or at least take my mind off things.
When I had my hysterectomy, the post surgical pain was no worse than the pain I’d been dealing with for 30 years, it was just a little different. I wish I’d been rid of the damn thing sooner.
Anon
Thanks! I will try Aleve. Ibuprofen doesn’t bother me but also doesn’t touch the pain. I am sooo ready to get rid of this damn thing.
Anon
You should touch base with your doctor and ask for pain med recommendations. Just a quick call or email/message if your doctor does that. The limits on bottles are quite conservative, and are there mostly as a red flag to remind you to see your doctor if you need more than this bottle recommends.
Your doctor can tell you how much to take, even prescribe higher doses that are still safe and sometimes combine different classes of medicines. Often waiting until the pain is bad is too late… instead taking the medicine around the clock is the best way to manage. Remember – this isn’t forever. But tons of folks with arthritis take these medicines and much stronger around the clock every day for years. You’re just trying to get to the surgery without suffering.
Also, be careful not to take the Aleve/ibuprofen on an empty stomach. It can lead to irritation/ulcers of the stomach over time and taking it with food helps prevent that. It’s also a mild blood thinner.
Anon
Yeah, my last cycle before my hysterectomy came when the doc said “only Tylenol” due to the blood-thinning aspect of other NSAIDS. It sucked and I was ready to yank the thing out myself by the time surgery came around. I guess it strengthened my resolve to have the surgery, not that I needed it. I was ready for it to be GONE.
Anon
Ugh. I hear you. Thanks for the reminder for the OP. She will have to stop all of the pain meds that are considered NSAIDs – nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs – probably in the week before surgery because they are blood thinners. This includes ibuprofen/Aleve/naproxen/aspirin etc… Tylenol or opioids are your options for that last week.
anon
I started rowing. I was not exercising regularly before I developed pain and discomfort. But the soreness from exercising was preferable to the pains from the fibroids.
Nesprin
You can also mix Aleve or ibuprofen and tylenol- both have a ~6 hr dosing schedule, so if you alternate you can take something every 3 hrs. That + a heating pad got me through some rough times.
anon
I’m so sorry. Been there, done that, got the hysterectomy and was damn grateful for it. In the final months with a ute, I spent a lot of evenings with a heating pad draped over my abdomen. And lots of ibuprofen and hoping for the best.
Anon
My doctor said 800mg ibuprofen, if you haven’t already tried that.
NYNY
CBD oil on a tampon has done wonders for me during my worst perimenopausal periods. Actually made an instant difference.
Anon
Oh my goodness…. I would never insert something into the mucous membranes of my vag that is absorbed directly into the bloodstream that is some random over the counter CBD oil that could contain… virtually anything.
Anon
Real first message I just got from a Hinge match: “Just FYI…I think women lie to each other when they say that guys are intimidated by your career. It’s more that career oriented women are often difficult and masculine. Putting that up front may cause men to assume that about you.”
My Hinge response to “job title/industry” is “VP, Banking.”
We matched because neither of us want children, an almost impossible thing to find in the dating world right now.
Vicky Austin
I really want to help you come up with some sort of perfectly calibrated response, but all I can think of is “Just FYI…you’re a dick.”
I’m sorry. At least he didn’t waste any of your time.
Anon
Wtf! Men really are entitled gas bags sometimes.
Anon
Why are men?
Anon
Ugh, so gross…
Anon
Incredible that this guy thinks he has advice to offer on first impressions!!
Anon
I matched with a lot of men who don’t want children, late 30s, Boston. I do want kids, and that was challenging. But I finally found a great partner. Wishing you the best, too!
Anon
Ewww. So sorry but bullet dodged.
Anon
Molly Seidel, the Olympic medalist, matched with a bro who asked her what she did for a living. She said she was a professional marathon runner. Instead of googling “Molly” and “marathon,” or even asking her more about it, he responded with something like “So you think you can outrun me? ;-) “. She responded with “I sure f—-ing hope so” and blocked.
As for this guy: he is hoping for a response. Block and move on.
FWIW, some of my man friends – who are exceptional people – struggle in the dating world because they don’t want kids and have a hard time finding women who also don’t want kids. They are out there… just not easy to find.
Anon
Hi! Where do these men live pls!?
Anon
Boston area.
Anon
In my part of the Midwest, a lot of guys are empty-nesters by their mid-40s. It’s not technically childfree but very different than having minor children living in your home (even part time).
Anonymous
He’s never told me this, but I suspect that’s why my brother and his last GF broke up (which is unfortunate for my parents, since I also don’t want kids. Sorry for the lack of grandbabies, parents). He’s in Charlotte.
Anonymous
It is depressing that even an Olympic medalist had to resort to apps to find someone to date.
Anon
Men very rarely approach women in public anymore. Everyone is staring at their phones in public.
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s it. You would go out with a random dude who approached you in public? I think most women would be very suspicious. Presumably an Olympic medalist actually meets people in the course of her training, travels, and work. Normal people meet other people in these ways, so I’d expect an Olympic medalist to meet more.
Anonymous
I’ve gone out with many men who randomly approached me in public and had decent results. This used to be conventional dating practice.
Duckles
Men cannot believe women might be better than them at something! I play tennis, which I’ve learned a lot of people think you can just…do, with no prior experience, and it sucks, so when a match would say “we should hit sometime!” I’d always respond “awesome! What league do you usually play in?” To get a sense of if they’ve touched a racquet before and I rarely would hear from any of them ever again 🙃 (“I’ve never played but would love to learn” is an acceptable answer but not one I got often.)
Anonymous
OMG – ‘tell me a loser without telling me you’re a loser’
So much second hand embarrassment for that dude.
anonshmanon
thank you, next!
Anon
It’s almost my favorite part (/s) that he says “I think women lie to each other.” Lol we don’t care what he thinks.
Anon
These men who can’t pick up on (or absorb) the idea that women really aren’t living their lives in search of male approval any more are hilarious to me. Thanks, random dude, for sharing your opinion with me but it doesn’t matter and I’m certainly not going to change anything as a result of your “feedback.”
OP – there’s a great Instagram account called Beam Me Up Softboi that collects app dating responses like this. Send the account a screenshot, if you have or can get one! She’ll probably post it (with all ID details removed).
anon
Wow, what a douchecanoe.
Anon
Lol so he’s definitely intimidated.
Anon
Ironically….!!
Monday
+1! This guy deserves to be unmatched/blocked instantly, but IFFFF the OP was going to respond this might be the way.
Anon
Right?!
Anonymous
He says “difficult and masculine” as though it’s an insult…
At least he’s good enough to be upfront about being intimidated by your career.
pugsnbourbon
100% this man has unironically referred to himself as an alpha male. Bullet dodged. Here’s to better matches in the future!
Anon
The irony is that he probably isn’t. His insecurities clearly already run a mile deep.
Anonymous
Alpha male and insecurity are not mutually exclusive.
Anonymous
dudes that feel the need to refer to themselves as ‘alpha males’ never actually are. If you are, people know, you ain’t need to tell no one.
ALT
I personally love it when men make it so easy to see who they really are. What a jerk.
Anonymous
Dating apps seem like Am@zon. Any random weirdo can post garbage for sale, and you have to spend way too much time and mental energy sorting through all of it to find what you want. This is why I prefer shopping in an actual store. Someone has curated the merchandise so there is a selection of reasonable options from which to choose. If you meet guys in real life through your friends, common interests, etc., at least some sort of preliminary screening has happened.
Anon
I haven’t met a date in person through “real life” in over 10 years. Since college.
Anon
Almost all of the men I dated for any length of time between 2009 and 2017 (when I met DH) were people I met in person or through friends. Went on a few dates through the apps, most were horror shows, one was a really good guy whom I dated for over a years before we broke it off (mutual, not the right people for each other).
Anon
Saying the apps “seem” like Amazon makes me think you haven’t dated recently. I don’t know anyone in my circle of very wonderful available men and women (myself included) who has gone on more than a couple dates that weren’t at least egged on by an app in a few years. Most people just don’t ask someone else out until they see them on an app to know that they’re available and open to dating in general.
Of course we’d all prefer to live like a movie where our best friend just happens to sit next to the perfect guy on a plane and introduces us, but that’s just not the reality in my experience.
Anonymous
So if you meet a guy you like, you will not express interest until you’ve hunted him down on an app?!?
Anon
No, that’s not what I mean! I’ve had a few situations where I thought someone was interesting, but the initial connection wasn’t so strong that I asked him out on a date or heavily flirted, or maybe I didn’t know if he was single and in a place to date. Then I later saw the person on a dating app and we ended up matching through that.
I’ve had other situations where the attraction was super strong or one person or the other wasn’t shy or whatever, and one of us spoke up in person.
The second situation just isn’t very common anymore in my experience. It happens sometimes, of course. But it just gets really old for people who haven’t been dating recently to say, “JuSt MeEt PeOpLe In PeRsOn!!!!!!1!1!!”
Anonymous
I was going to say the same. I meet all my dates IRL.
Anonymous
Not very bright is he. I’m not intimidated, I just don’t like the way I feel when paired with a woman who has traditionally “masculine” personality traits (ambitious, authoritative, intelligent) and is “difficult” (ie doesn’t put up with the BS I usually pull on women).
anon
What?
pugsnbourbon
I think 11:27 was speaking as the Hinge dude.
Anonymous
I think 11:27 is writing out the dude’s thoughts.
Anon
Sounds like someone is a little intimidated…
What an idiot. It’s a mess out there!
Senior Attorney
OMFG. Just stop, Dude.
Anon
This reminds me of when I matched with a fellow lawyer on Match and he used our first phone conversation to ask me if I really thought my area of practice (fintech) was going to last, and let me know that he recommended I focus on building a practice in receivables finance (???) or commercial lending. Y’all, at the time I was a biglaw partner with a quite sizable book and he was at the Law Firm of His Name PC. Nothing wrong with being a solo but the temerity to assume that notwithstanding our totally different professional lives, he knew better than I did what I needed in order to be successful…and to tell me that within the first 15 minutes of conversation…
Anon
I have my first ever appointment with a chiropractor’s office tomorrow. I’m desperate for back & neck pain help as I was totally blown off by my primary care and an orthopedic doctor. There is a massage therapist in the office and I will not be letting chiropractor adjust my neck. I know some here will tell me they are harmful quacks and I accept that criticism. Aside from that, anything helpful I should know about a first appointment?
Good Luck
I hope the massage therapist gets you some relief.
They may take an X-ray and then purport to read it (even though they are not radiologists). Ask for the X-ray so you can have an MD read it later if you want.
Also, they are likely to be unvaccinated and not take any virus protection measures in the office or in their private lives, so I would wear an N95 or KN95 the entire visit.
Good luck.
Anonymous
Wow this is absurd
Anon
I’m Covid cautious and hate the chiropractor industry, but even vaccinated people transmit Covid and no one is really taking any precautions anymore. Wear a mask if you want to wear a mask – I do – but it’s not a chiropractor specific thing.
Anon
All real medical providers where I am are still taking precautions. What kind of doctors would they be if they didn’t mask up to see patients who may be completely immune suppressed and still at high risk?
Anon
+1
Yes for me too. Everyone wears masks for my doctor visits and all of the hospitals and clinic buildings require masks on entry.
Anon 2.0
In the Midwest and none of the doctor’s offices I have been too lately are blanket masking anymore. Receptionists, etc are not masking and most nurses and doctors are not either. This is not universal. No hospitals here are requiring masks across the board either.
Anon
I assume that mid western doctors are putting politics over science then. The CDC still recommends masking around patients at elevated risk, and their own transmission map (the ones that they instruct hospitals to use, not the community levels map) shows transmission remains substantial or higher practically everywhere people live.
Patients who lack vaccine protection have health needs just like anyone else, and need to be able to access healthcare safely. Doctors who aren’t masking either don’t understand medical science or don’t care very much about their patients.
Anon
Yeah red state here and our medical providers ended masking requirements in mid-2022. It’s disappointing to me but it’s unfortunately pretty common I think. (And it’s a hospital system policy at an org that employs thousands of doctors, so doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of individual doctors.)
Anon
“Doctors who aren’t masking either don’t understand medical science or don’t care very much about their patients.”
Right right I am sure there are many doctors out there who “don’t understand medical science” (or at least not the way you do, right?) despite that whole “medical degree” thing. Which I’m going to take a wild guess and say you don’t have?
These discussions and these prissy sanctimonious blanket statements are so exhausting.
Anon
The point is not that they could transmit Covid, it’s that chiropractors are anti-science. I don’t want to see a “medical” professional who doesn’t believe in science.
Anon
She said “ so I would wear an N95 or KN95 the entire visit” so it seemed like it was at least partially about Covid risk.
But I agree, I wouldn’t see a chiropractor either.
anon_needs_a_break
Interestingly, my Brooklyn chiro was super pro-trump (and though i wasn’t there since covid i assume antivax) but my Boulder CO chiro is still strictly masking and pro-vax.
OP, I am pro-chiro and suspect you will find some relief. I agree with not letting them do your neck.
Anon
My chiropractor in a granola-crunchy southwest city is pro-vax (had posters up in her office encouraging people to get the vaccine) and rigidly adhered to masking up until about six months ago. When pretty much everyone else in the world stopped wearing them, she stopped requiring them, even though she would still wear one.
Anon
Lol! I went to a chiropractor for arm, shoulder and neck pain and she relieved my symptoms. Not a quack or anyone deserving of the weird rant about COVID. My advice is that if you feel uncomfortable or pressured, leave! There are many more chiropractors out there who can help get you out of pain.
Anon
They are harmful quacks. Sorry, but it bears repeating. They can seriously injure you. I wouldn’t go. If your doctors aren’t taking you seriously keep pushing for one who does.
Anonymous
physical therapist has helped me before
Anon2
I too was very skeptical of chiropractors but have found them to work wonders on my back with bulging discs and relieving tension when stress is entrenched in my shoulders/neck/upper back. I agree on avoiding the neck – ask a lot of questions before they do anything and have them explain every step. Definitely take advantage of the massage therapist!
Anon
Chiropractors are anti-vax quacks. See a physical therapist.
Anon
+1
Anon
Ignore the haters. I have gotten amazing relief from my vaccinated, medically trained chiropractor. Nothing to prep for, just tell them what your issue is and go from there. This is honestly the only place I’ve seen such vitriol toward an extremely helpful profession.
Anon
This is definitely not the only place that’s anti-chiropractor. So are a bunch of r3ddit forums I read, as well as my real life family, friends and co-workers. In general, highly educated, pro-science communities tend to be extremely wary of them. Obviously they are exceptions to every rule, but they are well known as a group to be anti-vax (long predates Covid). In the US anyway, can’t speak for other countries and perhaps there are regional differences.
Anon
I’m OP and I’m in Arlington/DC as far as region
Anon
By regional differences I meant perhaps in other countries they’re less anti-vax. In the US, they are well-established as a group to be anti-vax. Doesn’t mean you can’t find exceptions, just like there are some anti-vax MDs there are some pro-vax chiros. But the profession is known for being against vaccines, at least in the US.
Anon
I don’t get the field. I can see it helping with back and muscle issues. But when they say they can help with allergies? Unsubscribe.
Anon
What kills me is when people take newborn babies to them because they think the chiro will help the baby sleep better. Just bonkers.
Anon
Yeah, just talk to doctors and physical therapists about them and you’ll see that people here are downright positive. The people who have seen people killed or seriously disabled by them REALLY get mad about chiropractors.
Anon
Physical therapists need to get better at their jobs if they want me to stop seeing chiropractors for the same therapy but more skillfully applied. I wouldn’t see a chiropractor for back/neck, but I don’t think they’re going to kill me by working on my wrists.
Anon
I know lots of people who don’t trust chiropractors.
Anon
Yeah I have a lot of MDs in my family but I think I learned to not go to chiropractors before I could even properly pronounce the word.
Anon
Chiropractors are not medically trained. It is a totally different model and knowledge base. They have a science background, but that not the same thing as medical training.
Anon
I’d sooner see an osteopath who does manipulations. At least they have a real medical degree!
Anon
sort of…
Anon
Agree. A DO is equivalent to a MD.
Anon
A DO is not equivalent to an MD.
pugsnbourbon
D.O.s take the same tests and have the same residency/training requirements as an M.D.
Anon
In the USA, a DO is equivalent to an MD.
I don’t think this is true in every country though.
Anon
“A DO is not equivalent to an MD.”
This is completely incorrect, and probably coming from a snooty MD who thinks they’re superior in some way to DOs. News flash: you’re not. I will choose a DO over an MD any day, considering all MDs have ever done for me is pretend to listen to my problem and then offer to prescribe expensive prescription medications that had terrible side effects. DOs actually help people get to the lifestyle roots of issues IME; they don’t just pull out a prescription pad so they can go on the golf junket the pharmaceutical company offered them.
Nesprin
Hard disagree on chiropractors having a science background!
Duckles
There’s a very good, objective episode of the Science VS podcast examining if chiropractors are helpful/dangerous that comes down to “even if it’s only placebo, it helps some people, so cool, but there are risks because it’s not scientifically backed.” So it’s not about haters, it s about data and going in with your eyes open
Fullyfunctional
I see a Sports Chiro who works with our local professional sports teams. He does do adjustments, but also Active Release and other non-invasive therapies, and often prescribes specific exercises as follow ups. As a longtime long-distance runner, I’ve had every overuse injury you can think of. Orthopedists, etc. always recommended painkillers and physical therapy. I don’t love drugs, and PT was always a one-size-fits-all type approach. Maybe look for this type of provider?
Anon
Active Release Therapy is great. I think there’s a nearly identical therapy that PTs offer under a different name, but it doesn’t seem widely available.
Anon
I’ve seen a chiropractor after a doctor suggested it. While it wasn’t really for me, it was fine and they were definitely not weird antivaxxer quacks making wild health claims. I’m sure some are but many are not completely insane. I would guess that they probably have a massage therapist because muscle tightness can make your body uneven and resulting imbalances can cause pain. Ask about stretches and other ways to relieve tension.
Anon
Someone I follow on twitter (https://twitter.com/kelsieswrites/status/1371556233602199553) had a stroke at age 34, three days after visiting a chiropractor. Her doctors think the chiropractor’s adjustments caused a 4 cm tear in her artery that caused the stroke. Be careful!!
Anon
And because I know someone will say ‘this is just anecdata! so unscientific!’ there is actual data that backs this up: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6016850/
This article says 1 in 48 (!) chiropractors have had this happen!!
Anon
Husband had two spinal surgeries following ONE apt with a chiropractor. Multiple experts opined that the damage was caused by the chiropractor (and the chiropractor could not find a single expert to raise any doubt). So beware. Although the subsequent lawsuit settlement provided some financial compensation, his life is forever changed and not in any positive way. I think he is just happy that he can still walk. Just know the possible consequences.
Coach Laura
That is so scary. And exactly why, when I was in my 30s, my late neurosurgeon father in law told me never to see a chiro.
Moose
Just throwing this out there – you can see a DO (an actual medical doctor) to have adjustments. They are not as easy to find, but are safe and done by well-trained practitioners. I don’t think many people know about them.
Anon
Can you post a link of an example doctor who does this?
MagicUnicorn
One of the osteopathic doctors at my office focuses on sports medicine. He has adjusted me a a couple of times when appropriate and turned me away in favor of physical therapy a few other times when the situation was not something to be solved by an adjustment.
Anon
You haven’t mentioned Physical therapy. Why/why not? That is usually the first step after the doctors make sure there aren’t any “red flags” in your story that make this risky.
Also, an occupational therapist might be good in your scenario to re-evaluate your work-station. You chair, your screen, your posture etc… all can have a huge impact on back/neck pain.
For chronic back pain, studies have shown that if conservative measures have failed (time, pain meds, physical therapy), then long term improvement can be seen with with multiple approaches – including long term targeted exercise (do you have the home program that your therapist gave you? Do you do it?), regular massage, yoga/relaxation exercises and even acupuncture. They actually show identical long term benefits to chronic pain meds. Chiropractors have been shown to help some people, but in general there are risks and you shouldn’t let them work on your neck at all. And I would only visit a Chiropractor that was recommended by the Orthopedist you saw, if they are good/well respected.
Anon
And sometimes you need to see a different physical therapist. Sometimes you need to see someone who is a back specialist or a pain specialist or is affiliated with a large medical center or rehab hospital. The PTs who work at small outpatient PT clinics or the nationwide “chains” can vary wildly in quality.
It is also very, very common to need multiple rounds of physical therapy, or to have touch up sessions every year/every few years. It is usually covered by insurance without difficult if your symptoms are resistant/changed/worse.
Anon
This is my problem with PTs. I just can’t figure out the quality control. Some of them are really helpful, and others are useless or actually make everything worse.
Anon
When I was pregnant, Baby was sitting so far on my right that my belly was crooked. I saw a chiro for an adjustment, he prescribed laughter. Which was hilarious, so there’s that….
anon a mouse
I missed the discussion yesterday that involved freezer meals but wanted to share my strategy. I don’t love freezer meals (except homemade frozen burritos) because they are often mushy. But I routinely prep my meat in ways to facilitate easy meal prep. For example, buying a value pack of chicken breasts and dividing into set of 2 lbs each. One set will be cut into cubes, easy to cook on the stove with Mexican seasoning for chicken taco salads or quesadillas. One set will be cut into strips and can be thawed and added to vegetables and a marinade for an easy sheet pan meal. One set will be pounded to even thickness so they can be grilled easily. Also, ground beef/ground turkey freezes well once it’s cooked. Wrap prepped meat in freezer paper and label clearly. I was in my late 20s before I discovered freezer paper and it’s a great way to take advantage of meat sales and help out your future self.
Anon
What is your freezer paper technique? I just see freezer burn in my future. But I am intrigued . . .
I did master parchment use for baking.
anon a mouse
I wrap the meat tightly and seal with masking tape, then pop into a ziploc bag for extra protection. No issues with freezer burn. I’ve also used it when I see deep discounts on steak with a sell-by date of that day — wrap tightly and cook a few weeks/months later, no problem. I try to use things within 6-8 months, but have gone up to a year when I forget about something.
Anon
+1 to this! I will note that after much trial and error, freezing flat is the best way for a quick thaw. (I.e., don’t pack the cubes meat into a ball).
Anon
Every time I see advice to freeze flat I wonder who these people are who have room in their freezers to freeze things flat. I can’t be the only one.
Vicky Austin
I have 100% been known to just balance a cookie sheet full of meatballs on two pillars made of ice cream and leftovers in a tiny top-compartment freezer (with the underneath stuffed full of everything else). It takes some Tetris, but it’s doable.
Hair Recommendations
Do any Boston commenters have a recommendation for a stylist who’s really good at coloring medium brown hair? My hair is stick straight, so there’s not much room for error with highlights and Balayage is a non-starter. I live in the city but could probably swing close in Metro West for a really good colorist. My goal is to make my greying hair look less dull without losing my natural highlights.
Anonymous
Erica at Bradley & Diegel on Newbury St. I’ve stopped coloring my hair but happily went to her for years. My situation was not quite the same as yours. I covered my grey with single process brown color, and then she gave me subtle, natural looking highlights for dimension. When I wanted to transition to embrace my grey, she went lighter and cooler with highlights that really helped with the transition. You might try her for a consultation at least to see what she proposes for your goal.
What to watch after Crash Landing on You
Because I think I first saw it mentioned here… I’m late to the party but watching Crash Landing on You right now on Netflix and it’s so good. I already know I’m going to have the biggest series hangover after this. What should I watch next?
Anon
Business Proposal! (It’s lower stakes)
Anon
Different genre, but I finally got around to watching The Night Manager and it was soooo good. I definitely have a tv hangover now.
Anon
Extraordinary Attorney Woo, Itaewon Class, Sky Castle for K drama fix. Jane the Virgin if you haven’t already watched it. I enjoyed Unorthodox, When the Camellia Blooms, the Chair, and Never Have I Ever (this one is more teenage drama) for a shorter miniseries fix.
anon
brb let me check my Tumblr dash…
Korean: Extraordinary Attorney Woo – about an autistic woman attorney
The Glory – a woman who was severely bullied in school comes back for her sweet revenge
Chinese: The Forbidden Flower – a very old school type of story about a woman who has terminal illness who falls in love with a much older guy. It’s actually very airy and sweet when it’s not being obligatorily poignant.
Love Like the Galaxy – a period costumed drama about an unconventional daughter and her military general match. Slow burn, OTP doesn’t meet until 6 episodes in.
The Story of Minglan – written by same author as above. Epic, long memoir type of show about a concubine-borned daughter, her struggles in her household, and her various marriage matches
Hazel
Love Like the Galaxy is so, so good. The unconventional daughter is fierce and vengeful, and she never loses her sharp edge even though she also learns wisdom and temperance. There’s a lot of really good scenes of her and her love interest working out what it means to be in a relationship, to rely on someone else when you’ve always been on your own, to maintain one’s own identity when matched with a strong-willed partner. (It’s also my favorite ever depiction of a relationship between emperor, empress, and noble consort!)
Anon
I really loved Ashes of Love though I had to stick with it at first and give it a chance; it really paid off. I think it’s the best C-Drama for K-Drama fans.
Squeak
Oh man, this is my calling. I watched “Coffee Prince” in 2007 and haven’t looked back. If you can find it, I really recommend Coffee Prince; it’s a bit more low key than CLOY but same feels for me! If you loved Se-Ri, I would recommend Something in the Rain. It’s the same actress and very sweet.
If you love the kind of bonkers, is this really happening scenes, then I would go with anything written by Kim Eun Sook. Recents include Mr. Sunshine, The King: Eternal Monarch, and Goblin: the Great and Lonely God. I always loved Secret Garden, which has Hyun Bin in it as well! I also loved Strong Woman Do Bong Soon, but I will fully admit that it has some fairly problematic depictions of DV.
I will also plug for the King 2 Hearts which is another drama featuring NK soldiers, but waaay waay sillier.
I can keep going, but I will also recommend Because This is My First Life, which is such a sweet program about relationships and setting boundaries
Anon
Coffee Prince is definitely worth going back and watching if anyone missed it.
anon
After almost a year of struggling through behavioral issues with my cat, I’ve made the difficult to decision to surrender. (We’ve had him for 15 months, adopted from a local humane society.) I feel beyond awful, but I have thrown money at a behaviorist and all sorts of products and home modifications to try to make this work. And things are not working. I can’t relax in my own home anymore because I don’t know what’s going to set off another round of spraying or if he’ll start stalking my kids for no particular reason that I can discern. Despite all his issues, I love my guy so much and am going to miss him terribly. I am trying to find him a home without kids and have contacted the local cat rescue for help, but they’re at capacity and I can’t keep the cat much longer. So, I fear that he’s going to end up in the shelter, and the guilt is absolutely crushing. If you’ve been here, too, what helped you get through this dreadful decision and process? And how do you say goodbye to an animal who is still very much living, though unhappy? (I have posted about this before. I wish there was a happy ending to this saga.)
Anon
My cat was surrendered twice before I adopted her. What irks me is that her previous owners gave her up after about three weeks. (She pees on the floor when she’s stressed and they couldn’t handle that.) When people get really upset at pet owners who surrender their animals, it’s NOT at people who spend over a year and hire a specialists.
Sometimes it’s also an issue of fit. If kids stress your cat to no end, it’s just never going to work and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad pet parent; it makes you a bad for this particular animal.
Anonymous
We “couldn’t handle” a cat that sprayed and surrended him after two weeks.
You can be really upset and judge all you want.
Anon
Sounds like pet ownership isn’t for you.
Anonymous
Yes, I can see how one statement without facts or context would lead you to believe that…
Anon
“Without facts.” So your post did not contain facts? Fascinating.
Anonymous
Clearly I meant the facts that led us to surrender the cat after two weeks…?
anon
Pee issues are no small thing. I get it.
Anon
Enzyme cleansers help a lot! But if a cat sprays because they weren’t neutered before they developed the habit, I’m not sure they always unlearn it.
I’m grateful to live in a neighborhood that welcomes owned, cared for neighborhood cats. I think cats are a lot better off living outdoors than put down, and I don’t always see eye to eye with rescues on this.
Anonymous
cats might be better off but birds are not.
Anon
The birds are fine; there are not any bird populations in my neighborhood that are at risk from outdoor cats. I know there are people who think that “even one bird is too many,” and I know there are parts of the world where cats pose a real risk to bird populations, but all I care about is that the bird populations are healthy and where I live, they’re fine.
Anon
I had a spayed female cat who learned to spray – yes, she was one in a million. She got kicked outside after many efforts to stop her spraying. People were mad at me for having an outside cat, so when they brought it up I’d say “would you like to adopt her? She pees in the house” and everyone backed right off. My neighbor actually did take me up on it, but then he kicked her out after a week.
She had outside shelter and we live in CA but sometimes you have to accept that an animal is not going to be an indoor pet.
Anon
I meant to add, she lived, outside, to age 17.
Anon
Hi, I’m very active in my city’s animal shelter scene. I know it’s hard to surrender an animal, but in a way surrendering him in this situation you’re taking another step to care for him as best you can. This cat needs different support than you’re able to give and by surrendering you’re helping him find the right care.
My advice is to find the best shelter you can (try to find a no-kill shelter, among other reasons to help your emotions after), make a meaningful donation after you surrender him, and ask if they can update you when he gets adopted. A great shelter will have resources to help him.
Surrendering him is the first step towards him finding a forever home!
Anon
The local humane society should have a policy of taking him back if they’re at all ethical. Why haven’t they offered to take him back?
Anon
I thought that’s what she meant by he’ll end up at the shelter. Humane society = shelter
anon
Yes, that’s what I meant.
Anon
Okay. I know this is hard, but I think that this all falls within the realm of what the humane society sets out to accomplish. Cats have a lot of autonomy and will and do not always accept any household placement! Keeping cats exclusively indoors is still very new, and nearly all random bred cats are currently born to outdoor cats. Not all cats take to it, and it’s more an ideology than a reality that it can always be made to work.
It sounds as though this cat is in no worse a position than he was before, and now they have much more information about how to place him. I would want to ask a lot of questions about their plan to make sure I have faith in their ability to find him a new home. If donating could keep a place for him until he’s adopted out again, I may look into that.
Anonymous
See if any of the local rescues have a barn cat program that will adopt cats as outside cats for local farmers/barns/etc. Some cats really are just happier outside and it’s better than them being put down because a shelter is at capacity.
Carrots
If your originally rescued this cat, double check your rescue agreement. Many of them have very specific language about allowing the cat to be any form of outside cat. I’m not a lawyer, so I don’t know how it holds up if they were to follow-up and find out, but I definitely remember seeing it in rescue agreements when I adopted previous cats.
anon
I don’t think this particular cat would thrive outdoors, unfortunately.
Anon
That makes it hard for me to imagine where it would be okay for him to spray, unless he will just spray less in a household without children.
I am looking for a cat and regularly see cats that shelters and rescues have designated for child-free homes, so I know that is a thing.
Anon
This sounds hard, I’m sorry. Make a big donation to the humane society if you end up taking him. Think about how much you would spend on his food/care over a period of time and give it to the shelter instead.
Anonymous
Years ago we had to return a dog that was dangerous, after investing thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in a vain attempt to train away the dog’s innate personality. We had a lot of guilt leading up to the surrender, which led us to keep the dog for months longer than we should have. The rescue organization made us feel like terrible people for prioritizing our child’s safety over the needs and whims of a dog. After the surrender, it was as if a giant weight had lifted. We hadn’t realized how much of a burden the constant stress and vigilance had been. We had zero feelings of guilt after the dog was gone, just lingering regret that we’d ever adopted the dog in the first place. A friend went through similar feelings when she had to have her dog put down after it attacked a person. All this goes to say–you’ll probably feel much better after it’s done than you do now. And don’t listen to anyone who says that behavioral problems or mismatches are always the fault of the owner. That’s just plain wrong.
Anon
I’m so sorry you went through this. The rescue organization was in the wrong here.
anon
I’m sorry you went through this. The judgment is awful. A pet owner can try their hardest and it still might end up not being a good fit. I love my pets like crazy, but humans have to come first.
anon_needs_a_break
I’m glad you got relief. The (sadly, many) people who seem to think animals are more important than children are wild to me.
Anon
“And don’t listen to anyone who says that behavioral problems or mismatches are always the fault of the owner. That’s just plain wrong.”
I just want to reiterate this. Both my aunt and my best friend have mixed-breed dogs that they got when they were 10-week-old puppies. They are both die-hard dog people and tried to do everything right – took time off for bonding and training while the dogs were puppies; send the dogs to puppy camp and then additional dog training; have worked with specialty vets, dog behaviorists, dog nutritionists, etc. Their dogs are just uncontrollable a-holes, sorry. In both cases the dogs have pit-bull/AmStaff DNA and that may be part of it – although I had a full-blood AmStaff at one point and she didn’t act like these dogs do. The dogs just have a screw loose, or something. My aunt’s dog is on heavy tranquilizers just to get through the day without crapping on everything or attacking people, and my best friend’s dog can only be walked at midnight in an area with no wildlife because he will aggressively attack anything that moves when he’s outside the house (and will also attack people who enter the house if he isn’t tranquilized and crated). These dog owners have tried everything and spent thousands, and frankly, in both cases I would have surrendered the dogs (or euthanized them) a long time ago. And I say that as a dog lover myself who has two dogs that have health challenges, but don’t pose constant threats to everyone around them.
Sometimes, as hard as you try, you just can’t make it work. Nothing for OP to feel bad about.
anon
Jeebus, that’s awful for the pet and for the human.
H13
Does anyone have an interval timer app that they love for running workouts? After my question about a run/walk half marathon the other day, I’ve decided to give it a go. I would love to have something easy on my phone that cues the run/walk intervals. Thanks!
Anon
Almost all Garmin watches have an interval setting. If you don’t own one, I would recommend getting one.
H13
Never even thought of that option. Thanks!
anon
There is an app called RunIntervals that works great for this purpose, if your watch doesn’t do it.
Anonymous
Garmin is probably the real solution here, but the SmartWOD timer app has interval settings you could use for this in the free version and also has a premium version that lets you do more.
MagicUnicorn
I like the free version of the 10k Trainer by C25k app for my iphone. It’s the Zen Labs one with a red logo. If I ever graduate from the 10k distance, I plan to get their 13.1 or 26.2 app versions.
I tried using Intervals Pro to make my own interval cues and it was okay but I learned that I prefer pre-baked instructions.
Anon
Garmin watch for sure. Even the most basic models will have this ability. But I personally really love my Forerunner 255.
Anonymous
I’ve used phone apps but as a devoted interval runner, I’d recommend buying a GymBoss timer if you also decide you like the run-walk strategy. It’s a separate device, but is inexpensive, louder, and helps avoid draining your phone battery during runs.
Anonforthis
I use the Intervals Pro app on my phone. I’m happy with it. You can set custom intervals. And it has lots of variable options for customizing.
I pad question
Ipad info please….I am considering getting one for travel. Which do you all recommend – the full size or the mini. I will be used for journaling and sketching ideas for paintings.
Ses
I sketch on my full sized iPad. I haven’t tried a mini, but I find the small Wacom tablet too small so I think I would also feel that way about the mini. Curious to hear other feedback because I’ve considered getting a mini, too.
Ps I like my small Wacom tablet though, it’s wonderfully realistic
Anonymous
For drawing get the biggest one you can afford and carry.
Anon
Are you used to drawing on a small piece of paper? I think you’d probably want whatever best replicates your analog drawing set up.
Anon
I find the full sized very large for travel, and prefer the mini for reading/writing. But sketching is different…. If I were you, I would ask myself if I didn’t have an iPad, would you bring a small sketch book or a full sized sketch book with you to sketch. And that’s your answer.
waffles
I have the mini for note-taking, but I think it would be too small for sketching.
anon_needs_a_break
If you have always hated every sheath dress you’ve ever seen, come sit next to me.
They are somehow dowdy and dated yet too revealing at the same time? ugh
go for it
Ha, they are the only dresses that flatter my slim, straight self.
anon_needs_a_break
if you are slim I imagine most dresses flatter you! clothes are literally made for you ;)
Anon
I am picky about them. They tend to not look all that great on my (in shape, hourglass, but nevertheless middle aged) self unless they are high quality. Most look terrible under a blazer.
anon
I am picky about them. They tend to not look all that great on my (in shape, hourglass, but nevertheless middle aged) self unless they are high quality. Most look terrible under a blazer.
Anon
I love the look of them, but they make me look pregnant.
Anon
This is me. I wear separates. They work better for me anyway because I’m tall and sheath dresses are rarely long enough, both at the waist and hemline.
Cora
I have curves, and sheath dresses are really not designed for that. As your said, they’re supposed to be conservative but then are also too close-fitting, My skirts need a little bit of flare to be work appropriate, even if thats not the most in style. For a straighter body type I can see them being perfect though.
That being said I haven’t worn a sheath dress in years and now I kind of want to look at whats available.
Anon
Oh I’m right next to you! Just ordered and am returning the umpteenth version of this.
Moose
I don’t specifically dislike sheath dresses, but one thing that bothers me about them is that as a curvy to very curvy person, when they fit me (close to the body) in the same manner as a straighter figure, it looks “inappropriate” to many people’s eye. Or, at least, less professional. It just feels like a hard line to walk.
Anon
Totally agree.
Different shapes work for different bodies.
Anon
I’m not advocating for sheath dresses because I don’t wear them myself, but for those who are complaining they’re inappropriate on a curvy figure, are you wearing them too small? They should fit your rear end or b00bs, whichever is bigger, when you buy it, then you have the too-big parts taken in. The dress is not inherently inappropriate if it actually fits you.
And I say this as a “curvy” person.
Anonymous
This. I have a curvy friend who looks appropriate and awesome in sheath dresses because they fit properly.
Anon
Even when the fit is impeccable, for me, in order for them to look like they fit, I need to wear some pretty substantial shapewear, so everything not only fits but looks solid, if that makes sense.
Anonymous
Yep. When I am 5 pounds heavier my dresses that technically still fit go from super conservative to hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t wear this.
Anon
I completely agree.
Because I am very curvy and a pear, I had to tailor every sheath dress extensively, and because of the style, they always feel too revealing. Yes, I have a small waist and a large rear. Do you want me to emphasize every curve of my body so you can see that? Yes, this is what happens when a sheath dress is tailored. And hem at the knee, and I am constantly getting in/out of chairs with wheels all day where clients sit right in front of me can see my legs and having to be careful how to sit without showing too much thigh or a little flash etc.. It’s so easy to see where people’s eyes are going when they sit in front of you. Do you really need that in a professional setting when you are a woman and want people to be admiring your work and not your body?
I have learned the hard way the last thing you want at work is people admiring how well a dress fits your curves. And wearing black/dark navy sheaths primarily to mask the angles gets old fast.
And no, I am not having the dress tailored wrong or too tight.
What I always found odd on this site for years is how often posters would criticize A-line sheaths as being too casual for the work place. A line sheaths! Probably posted by people who don’t understand the typical real woman’s body, in particular pear or apple shaped women or how women’s bodies change with aging. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous now? Thank goodness for the evolution of dress shapes, as well as hem lines.
Anon
Ok real women have all kinds of body shapes. Let’s not do that.
I say this as a plus sized woman. I’m a real woman for sure, but so is my model-shaped sister.
Anon
I said the typical real woman’s body. Which is not model shaped.
anonchicago
I’m returning to work soon after maternity leave for my first and likely only child. I really need to do some shopping because most items in my closet don’t fit well or are dated. I work hybrid in a business casual industry. Pre-preg uniform was jeans or skinny pants with a dark shell and statement blazer, or a sheath dress.
5’8, size 8 pre pregnancy. I’ve lost 20 of the 40lbs of pregnancy weight and would say I’m 30 lbs away from most of my pre-COVID workwear fitting. The weight is coming off slowly (b*feeding) so I’d like to wear things like wrap dresses and jeans that can flex across sizes. Distribution of weight has changed quite a bit; my butt is now flat, boobs are huge, and my midsection now gives me the appearance of an apple.
Where do I shop and what do I buy?
Anon
I’ve worn Nic and Zoe wonderstretch pants and Betabrand pants across many different postpartum weights.
Anonymous
LOVE Nic and Zoe wonderstretch! Always look put together :)
Anon
Stretchy A line dresses are my friend. DvF (or knockoff DvFs, ha). Banana Republic had some back in the day but not sure where they are at now.
You might also look into Betabrand for stretchy jeans or slacks (you can actually do yoga in them).
Anon
Jamie pants from J Crew Factory with a looser tank or nice tee and a blazer
nuqotw
Thrift store and buy pants in a range of sizes.
Anon
Second this. I thought I was done losing weight and settled into my new size 5 months post partum and bought a bunch of new work clothes and then I ended up losing a bunch more weight in the next 6-8 months and the new clothes were too big, but I had donated a lot of the old clothes. Thankfully I kept the new larger clothes and now post pandemic they fit :)
Anon
I wore stretchy knits when I went back to work until I was sure I was in my final size. You can usually find lots of things like this at low prices. I think some of mine were from Marshall’s, some from JC Penney. I waited until my size had stabilized before I went back to Nordstrom.
I got back to my pre pregnancy weight but my body was changed permanently, FYI.
Anon
Secondhand or lower-end like Old Navy are your friends. I gained 50 lbs while pregnant, lost 65 while b*feeding, then settled into my new normal about a year PP, which was more or less my pre-pregnancy weight but very different weight distribution, and my hips permanently widened. Long, looser fitting black tops were my workhorses … my b*st size fluctuated even throughout the day, depending on the last time I fed / pumped, and garments to mask those hourly fluctuations were necessary. A wrap dress would not have worked for me, personally, as they would have been obscene during certain times of the day.
Anonymous
Is there an etiquette/ethical rule about this: I’m an attorney and periodically get invited to client events, sometimes fancy events and sometimes at member (plus guest)-only social clubs. People will ask how I heard of the event, who invited me, how I know him, what do I do, etc.
How do I answer these questions? Can I say I’m an attorney that occasionally does work for Inviter’s company? I understand the identity of our clients is confidential unless it’s public information; I’m a litigator so usually the fact of my representation is public, but sometimes it’s not. I don’t want to say I’m Inviter’s friend because I don’t want to give the wrong impression if neither of our spouses are there. And I don’t want to say I work with Inviter because I don’t work at their company, and when asked what I do, I’ll truthfully say I’m at a law firm, which discloses the nature of the connection anyway. Often the client will introduce me as his attorney, so no problem there. But if he isn’t around and hasn’t already told people I’m the attorney then what do I say?
Anon
You’re over thinking this. Just say you work with whomever. The fact that you’re an attorney doesn’t inherently give anything away.
Anon
Is there any reason you can’t ask your client how you should respond?
Anon
+1 I also think you’re over thinking this, but asking your client is the easiest way to solve this problem.
OP
Is this an ok thing to ask, or is this one of those things I’m supposed to know how to handle and I’m going to get side eye for asking? If it’s common to ask then I will for sure. I just don’t want to come off like I don’t understand social norms in these circles (which I um don’t really but I’m trying to fit in).
Anon
“Thanks for inviting me to this event, Client. If someone asks, are you okay with me introducing myself as your attorney at the event?”
Anon
Anon at 12:39 nailed it.
Anon
This. No need to overthink this.
Anonymous
Just say you were invited by xxx.
Anon
I know Inviter through work. How about you? Deflect and move on. Don’t overthink it.
Anonymous
If the client wanted to keep you a secret, they wouldn’t invite you to these events.
Anonymous
“I work with (name of person that invited you).”
If asked what you do, you can certainly say you’re an attorney.
Anon
You and the host are colleagues.
anon
Regular poster going anon for this – looking for perspectives on what to do with our house, which was fine when both of us were going into the office and is not set up well for the new normal of both WFH 3 days a week. The kitchen and bathrooms are barely functional and not laid out well, the roof is aged, the windows are terrible. We have one kid in elementary, no plans for more. In the 8 years we’ve lived here home prices have gone nuts. We owe 500K on a house worth about 1M (bought for 800). We could renovate for 400 and post-reno value would be 1.5 easily, but we’d have to live through a renovation. (Smaller scale reno is not really feasible because the best layout involves moving some load bearing walls and plumbing.) We love the neighborhood and are walkable to a lot, but the schools are questionable for middle/high. We could pay off the reno in 5 years or less; our current mortgage is very affordable.
Or, we could move, to a neighborhood further out from city center for a better layout and more space. We’d target an area with better schools but taxes are higher. Higher taxes plus the jump in interest rates means we’d have a higher monthly payment — still affordable but not unnoticeable — but we’d have good space. We’d have longer commutes (up to an extra 30 minutes each way) but only for 2 days/week. My heart wants to stay where we are but DH is rightfully concerned about the stress of a renovation. I think he is minimizing the difficulties of a much longer commute and discounting that bigger lots mean we probably won’t have the same kind of neighborhood connections. If we leave our current neighborhood we will not be able to afford to come back. WWYD?
Anon
How questionable is questionable for the middle and high schools? I’d be apt to stay in such a great neighborhood.
Seventh Sister
FWIW, school reputations can change pretty fast. Since my kids started at our local elementary school about a decade ago, the local K-5 that was considered “rough” and “not academic” has become the most-sought-after K-5 for well-off liberals in my town. My kid’s school was considered the “scrappy little neighborhood school” when they enrolled, but I have heard people say recently that it’s full of privileged white kids (it’s not), probably because the area around has gentrified quite a bit and they have a booster club.
As someone with kids in public middle and high school, I think the size of the schools makes people anxious (my kids went from a school of around 500 to a middle school of around 1500) and more likely to say that a school is “dangerous” or “tough.” Actually seeing the schools in person helped me quite a bit, plus I’ve been impressed with the teachers and the curriculum once I got a chance to look at it. Talking to people with kids at the middle and high schools helped as well. It’s not that I think the middle and high school are perfect, but between the price (free), the teachers (85% great), and the kids having friends (and having to get along with all kinds of kids), it’s a good fit for us.
Anon
Renovate, don’t commute. An extra 30 minutes each way is an extra hour a day, and that is savage. You’re also up a creek if you ever need to switch jobs and can only get full time in office.
Anon
I would renovate unless you would want to move anyway for middle school or high school. 4 hours per week for each worker, so 8 hours per week, is a lot of time. If you would want to move anyway becausE you don’t like the schools where you are, then I would move now.
Anonymous
I would probably stay where you are. I wouldn’t count on the two day a week commute thing. Too many companies are starting to pull it.
anon
Agree. If this benefit is pulled, you are going to be commuting all the time, and that’s going to be a major stressor, make it harder to take your kid to various activities, etc. I would renovate.
Anonymous
I would move. I’ve lived through renovations and 10/10 wish I had moved :). Will you have to move out during the reno? How will two people WFH during this reno? Will you be WFH forever? How young is elem kiddo, and how tied are you you to your current community?
Is there a middle ground, such as staying where you are and buying a house that may not be larger but is perhaps a better fit for you?
We did a reno that was specifically designed so we didn’t have to move. And we had a large house to start with. It was still awful.
Anonymous
I would move . The schools not being good is a deal breaker for me. And I’d do it now so by the time your kid is in middle school you all feel settled. Don’t throw a ton of money into a house that won’t work for you in a few years because the schools don’t work.
Seventh Sister
I think this depends a lot on the school system. Our local middle school has five feeder schools, so my kids met a bunch of new people when they hit middle school, but not as many when they hit high school. The middle school I attended took almost all of its students from one large elementary school, so you knew everything about everyone forever.
Anon
I would renovate, no question.
MagicUnicorn
Can you renovate and grab a short term rental near you during the worst parts? Friends did this when all their bathrooms and kitchen were torn apart at the same time for a month. They said it made the temporary mess much easier to deal with. They did not fully move in to the rental, just floated back and forth as needed until their main home was functional enough again.
Anon
In your financial calculations, expect the renovation to be 25-50% over budget. I commented yesterday that we are doing a simple basement reno and even that has had many unexpected challenges and upgrades crop up. (Maybe at 400K going 50% over is unlikely, but point is build in lots of cushion
Anon
I love a walkable neighborhood but I’m extremely, extremely picky about schools so that’d be my #1 priority.
On the other hand, are you and your husband both committed to staying at your jobs and are you use your jobs are sticking to the 3 day a week WFH? My company is changing from 3 days in the office to 4, so I’d be hesitant to make a major life change (either a reno or a move) on something that could change.
Anonymous
I’d probably wait a year and see what happens with interest rates vs prices vs inventory. You can do some things in the interim to get top dollar on your house if you sell. The roof is an obvious one. It’s outdoors and can be done in a day or two, so you’re not living in a construction zone. The buyers would want to account for the roof anyway.
I would not do any pricey cosmetic updates unless/until you two decide this is your forever house. Certainly nothing involving moving walls and installing beams and the like. You’re not going to get your money back. I bought a few months ago and the number of people who had renovated their kitchen/bathrooms BADLY but expected to get 100% of their money back… unreal. By badly I mean I saw a bathroom sized sink in a kitchen. What even is that. No one wants to pay for someone else’s bad taste (not to say your taste is bad but I’m sure bathroom-sink-in-kitchen lady would think my taste is bad, so there’s always someone who disagrees with you!).
anon
It sounds like their kitchen and bathrooms are functionally unusable. That’s a valid reason to renovate. It isn’t about getting their money back later, it’s about creating a livable house in their current location instead of buying a more expensive house with a long commute.
Definitely renovate. Any kitchen work should be done over the summer so you can grill outside.
Anon
Is selling this one and buying another house in your current neighborhood an option? I also like the idea of a short term rental during the worst part of the reno. Even a 1 bedroom or a long term stay hotel could work, since you’d only need to bring enough stuff for a short time.
The other pro of renovating is that you get to customize the layout and finishes to your preferences, rather than living with someone else’s preferences. It’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things but I loved being able to customize my kitchen to have cabinets and drawers where and the size I wanted them. I literally planned out where everything in my kitchen would go and it was perfect.
anon
Sadly, it’s absolutely not an option to stay but pick a different house. We live in an older, inner-suburb neighborhood where the houses are all small and old (like ours) unless they have been renovated. Any house we can afford comes with the same challenges our current one has, and we are completely priced out of renovated homes. We bid on three bigger, renovated houses In 2021 but were outbid by 100K+ each time, and prices have only gone up from there. It’s really frustrating.
Biggest issue with the schools is that they are huge, and there is a non-small element of crime (fights, car break-ins, some targeted assaults). Neighborhood parents with kids in public middle and high schools say they are better options than private because the schools are so big they have lots of academic options for kids; they have generally been happy with them. About half the parents in the neighborhood happily send their kids to privates at 40K+ each year which we could technically afford but not without impacts to retirement savings.
Anon @ 11:59
I would definitely renovate and stay. The school situation doesn’t sound bad, and since you only have one kid and can “technically” afford private, you have that option if the public school ends up being a really bad fit for your kid.
I think in the long run, having a shorter commute and walkable area will prove more beneficial than avoiding a renovation. And as a kid who grew up in NYC (and am raising my kid here), I’m a huge proponent of raising kids somewhere walkable. Having options for things to do as a non-driving teen is invaluable. In a walkable area your teen go to to starbucks or a friends house, or whatever, on their own, in just a few more years. Further out, you’re either buying them a car or driving them everywhere for another 10ish years.
Coach Laura
OP, I agree with this. I’d stay and renovate, making sure not to renovate such that your house is the most expensive on the street/two block radius. The longer commute sounds like hell, having experienced it myself, and the point about jobs moving to in-office or new jobs is important.
Talk with a well-respected house remodeling specialist/designer and if the plan would make your house livable without too many compromises, I’d do that in a heartbeat, even if I had to move to a rental for 3 months.
Anonymous
I have a kid in public high school and agree that larger schools with more options can often be best for kids, as long as the kid has a special interest or talent and can find a niche. The kids who won’t do as well in a large school are the ones who aren’t interested in AP/IB or sports/music/drama/robotics club etc. and just kind of float along in regular honors classes without a strong extracurricular interest.
Seventh Sister
My eldest goes to a public high school that’s about twice the size of my high school. Having so many students really does help fill out all of the academic and extracurricular programs. For instance, my high school could never double cast any musical or play because there just weren’t enough students to do it. They do that for every show, plus they have actual costume and props teams instead of a half-dozen straggly volunteers.
While I’m not wild about the number/frequency of fights (it seems like a LOT more than my smaller high school), my kid has a tight little friend group of fellow orchestra/honors math nerds and while she’s seen a few fights start, she doesn’t actually know any of the kids who get in trouble for physical fighting. Related: there doesn’t seem to be a lot of bullying. There have been incidents/situations, but the relentless Mean Girls/Heathers style bullying I remember from high school just isn’t part of the culture.
Seventh Sister
I basically force my kids to do one music thing and one “other” thing that has some physical component in middle school, and it has worked out so far.
Anonymous
I would renovate, but I also only travel within basically a 3 mile radius of my house. I just don’t like driving and would never want to have a 30 minute commute if I could avoid it. I’m incredibly spoiled by my setup.
Anon
When faced with a similar decision we moved to a bigger house. I went to every open house I could find and looked at other people’s renos, thought they were all pretty terrible, and I am very glad to have bought a bigger house that was meant to be a bigger house.
My least favorite was the addition that took up pretty much the entire backyard. My second least favorite was the master suite added on but everything else was still crappy. My third least favorite were add-ons that didn’t match the rest of the house in style – I live in an area with almost all craftsman homes, and people were trying to make their new rooms/suites Mediterranean or mid century or some other nonsense.
It was all ugly and made me think I didn’t want to ruin my cute 1922 craftsman home. Maybe someday someone will ruin it, but it won’t be me.
anon
You have a valid point. I’ve seen these homes, too, and they were completely unappealing as a buyer.
Anonymous
Renovate but take a look at what you really need to do. I did a master bathroom reno that moved a load bearing wall. If I had my time back I would have upgraded the vanity and replace the tub with a jetted soaker tub and left the walls alone. Take a hard look at what you actually need to do vs what can be deal with via better storage/design. Our three biggest changes in the kitchen reno we did were things we figured out on our own and the contractor initally thought would not work. Simple solutions like moving an outlet so you can switch to a pocket door for the pantry meant we could put the fridge in a whole new location.
Roof and windows are not a big deal. Move out to a hotel for 3-4 day staycation each time and it’s done. I just had my roof done in the fall.
IKEA is actually a fantastic source for kitchen and bathroom storage solutions. Their business is built on making smaller apartments and houses in Europe and Asia work. And if the solution doesn’t work, you are not out a ton of money. My favorite vanity is actually the cheap IKEA one in our basement bathroom not the nice wood/quartz ones in the other 3 bathrooms. The storage is just genius for the amount of space.
Commuting is bad for your health on like every metric. There are tons of studies on that. Don’t adding commuting if you have a solid housing situation now.
Anon
+1 to Ikea. You could also look into Siematic system kitchen if your house would go well with a modern sleek look and there is space. I live in a 600 sq ft 2 bed flat in London and this is the one my flat has — fits a sink (could be bigger), oven, microwave, fridge, freezer, dishwasher and ample storage in less than 6 yards long (L shaped)
Anon
And Hanssem Kitchens as well (Korean brand with more design choices).
Anon
Do you remember which IKEA vanity you used for the basement bathroom? This sounds like what I need for my tiny bathroom with a cracked pedestal sink and no storage whatsoever!
Anon
I would renovate and stay. My reno tips would be prioritize quickness in a contractor and budget to move out so it can go quickly. That lessens the living through it pain. It will probably still take a year. I would much rather be closer to work as I also see in-office v remote trending in the future. I don’t think it will ever go to 5 days on average but 2 will probably become less the norm.
Late ADHD Diagnosis
Has anyone here received an ADHD diagnosis in their 40s?
I’m in my early 40s and was diagnosed last night (inattentive/distractible type). I’ve had a feeling that this would be the diagnosis given a ton of symptoms over my lifetime. We didn’t really have girls with an ADD/ADHD diagnosis when I was a kid. (BTW, they’re both under ADHD now with “ADD” being the inattentive/distractible type). Plus, with the different signs in girls/women. So it makes sense that it went under the radar.
Anywho… this comes as a relief because things have not been going well with work due to procrastination/memory/distractions. That’s really why I went to the Dr. because it’s been getting out of hand.
In addition to weaning off of one of my dep/anxiety meds (old dr had me on so many), I’ll be starting Concerta soon (after the weaning).
Any experiences with Concerta? What have y’all done to help manage your ADHD? Any good resources?
Anon
I am so glad I got diagnosed. It’s helped immensely, because I can get medication and because I don’t feel like an utter failure. I had to try a few different meds to find one that worked for me, so don’t be afraid to do that if Concerta doesn’t seem to help you.
Anon
How did you go about getting diagnosed?
I’m outwardly successful and organized, but inside my head it is an absolute mess. I’ve recently found myself relating to a lot of ADHD memes and it made me do some research and a lot of symptoms sound like me, but it’s hard to even bring this up to anyone because I don’t fit the stereotypes of a person with ADHD.
OP
I went to a psychiatrist my therapist recommended. I wasn’t thrilled with the one I’d been seeing anyway bc of some administrative – and potentially harmful – mistakes they kept making.
I was relating to a bunch of signs I’ve read about too. The psychiatrist asked about a lot of things. It was pretty clear to him early on. And I’m the same as you. The problem is that recently it’s gotten even worse with the procrastination and distractibility.
Cb
My housemate just got a diagnosis and she’s 44. I think it’s been incredibly helpful for her to reconsider her childhood and young adulthood and realise she wasn’t lazy etc, but was dealing with an undiagnosed challenge.
Anon
My daughter got diagnosed in high school and knowing what it is has made such a difference for her. Also inattentive type “girl ADHD.”
I wonder if I have it too because I see some of myself in her pre-treatment symptoms but I haven’t pulled the trigger.
FWIW the standard stimulant medication has worked well for her. She only takes it on school days (she’s in college now) and takes a break on weekends so she can sleep and eat better. But she’s been a dean’s list student for all semesters of college so far, and that wasn’t at all the case pre-diagnosis in high school. She knew the material but was too distracted during tests to prove she knew the material. She just thought she was “dumb,” which makes me so sad.
Anonymous
My kid also thought she was dumb because she couldn’t pay attention during class, and her dad thought I was overestimating her intelligence and asking too much of her. As soon as she could pay attention everything made sense to her and her dad ate his words.
Anonymous
I just was diagnosed (46!) but we decided the Wellbutrin I’m already on is probably the maximum any drug would do for me.
Anonymous
Who goofed here, me or my CPA or both? Last year was the first time I’d ever used a CPA for our taxes. I forget when I contacted the guy but I believe it was in February; I was referred through a colleague. This year I contacted his office in February to set up an appointment. They schedule and cancel 3 appointments (during business hours), with apologies, and then they tell me the only appointment left is at 9 pm in mid-March by phone. I’m pretty displeased, I’m winding down for bed at that time, I don’t want to think about taxes so late at night. Should I have known to contact his office much sooner? For those with CPAs, do they normally send an email blast or reminder of some kind, or is it on you to contact them by a particular date? And if so then what is that date?
Vicky Austin
Uh, they scheduled you and canceled on you 3 times? They absolutely goofed. That sounds like a major staffing oversight or something. I don’t think you goofed because they acted like they had room for you on the schedule initially.
That said, next year I would contact them earlier since apparently that’s necessary to get a reasonable appointment, and I would put an annual reminder in your calendar to do that right now. If you choose to continue with this firm, that is.
Anon
I mean, the deadline doesn’t change year to year, so I think it’s on you to remember to reach out. But this particular firm seems awful and you shouldn’t use them if you don’t want to.
Anon
I think you should ask around and find someone else at this point. The firm I use sends a letter in early January asking their clients to call and set up an appointment. So the onus of calling and scheduling is on the client, but they are reminded to do so. So far, all of my appointments have been by phone.
Anon
You can always estimate what you owe and then file later.
Senior Attorney
Ten years ago today I got up early on a Saturday morning, left my then-husband sleeping, and went out and looked at every apartment in my town that had laundry in the unit. Put a deposit on one, moved out of my home of 20 years three weeks later, divorce was final a little more than a year after that. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the smartest and best. I was 54 years old.
Today my life is more amazing than I could ever have dared to dream. I have a great new husband and am set to retire in about six months and travel the world with him. But you know what? Even if it were the oridingal plan — me living by myself in the house I bought for myself, and working until 70, it would still have been the smartest and best thing I’ve ever done because being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in a bad marriage.
If you are married to or living with somebody who treats you badly, I am here to tell you that leaving is scary and sad but it’s totally worth it. It took me three tries and I appreciate the encouragement from the people here and in my real life along the way. It’s not too late. You, too, can have a great second or third or fourth act.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Vicky Austin
<3 Love this so much. Happy liberationiversary, SA. Thanks for passing along your wisdom!
Anon
Thank you so much. I have been through similar and agree that not only was it the best decision I ever made, it was a decision I should have made years earlier.
For anyone reading this who is waist a man who doesn’t treat you well, this is your message from the universe.
Anon
Great advice, as always. Thanks for sharing.
We all wish you the very best, and a long healthy and happy life.
Anon
Happy Freedom Day!! Second everything you said.
smurf
happy anniversary, SA! So glad you’re part of this community & that you’ve been so open in sharing this story over the years – I think you have helped a LOT of us realize that leaving is the answer.
Anon
Thank you for this post, SA. I am at the beginning of a separation, divorce at some time in the future. While it was my choice to leave, right now I cannot see any good or happy future for myself, only the lonely sad life I am living now. Sometimes I think about how you met someone around the age I am now (late 50’s) and think that maybe….just maybe….that could happen to me too. Your story has given me the tiniest ray of hope.
I hope you fully enjoy your retirement, but I hope you will still post once in awhile after your retirement!
Senior Attorney
Aw, much love to you, Anon! Remember: The only way out is through, and I promise that this time next year things will be better. I PROMISE.
Anon
“But you know what? Even if it were the oridingal plan — me living by myself in the house I bought for myself, and working until 70, it would still have been the smartest and best thing I’ve ever done because being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in a bad marriage.”
Preach. I know people who say that the only reason to leave is adultery or abuse, and by and large, they are either married to empathetic, responsible adults who work on the marriage or are completely miserable.
Junior Associate
Happy anniversary SA! Thank you for being a constant voice of support and encouragement here.
Anonymous
Happy anniversary, SA!
How to choose yourself is always TED talk worthy. <3
Curious
Happy freedomversary :):).