Coffee Break: Unseen Sunscreen SPF 50

166 Comments

1. So at brunch this weekend some friends saw my phone text screen and noticed that a had a bunch of unread texts. They’re mostly promotional nonsense which I try to avoid but I guess I’m on lists. They freaked out and the whole table had a conversation about it. Everyone was saying “how could you LIVE like that?” I just don’t really care and I’ve never missed anyones text so I don’t think about it. I guess I’m extremely type b in certain areas.

   But it just felt like such an attack. I keep a reasonably tidy home and car and I think I generally have my life together. Honestly I love them but some of them have messes in their cars and homes that would make me crazy too but I’d never make a huge thing about it. I’d just assume a messy car or kitchen doesn’t bother them so why embarrass them? Is having unread texts so bad that I have to tidy my phone for the sake of other people thinking less of me?

   1. They probably did not mean it so deeply. I’ve heard people say that when someone shares their screen at work and you can see a tab saying Inbox (432) or something.

      1. +1. This is common joke fodder at my work when someone screenshares 400 open tabs.

         1. +2

      2. +3

      3. +4. I’m a zero inbox/zero unread text person. DH is a many many unread inbox/unread text person. We both are successful in our careers and general adulting. We have different styles. Thank goodness we share neither a phone nor an email box. One of my friends who also regularly has a million unread messages will sometimes send me a screenshot showing her numbers with a laughing emoji. I think this was teasing and not criticism.

      4. +5, I get vicarious anxiety when I see others have a million unread messages.

   2. You’re reading way too much into this. It sounds like they were teasing you. Especially if they are your friends.

      1. Am I overthinking it because they weren’t really calling me a slob? Because they seemed genuinely disgusted.

         1. You are massively overthinking it.

         2. You can choose to be personally offended by their comments or you can choose to brush it off and assume they were joking. I personally think they were teasing you, not criticizing you, so I would encourage you to let this go. I can almost guarantee that none of them think less of you because of this.

         3. They were not calling you a slob. I’m assuming they genuinely don’t understand how it doesn’t stress you out (because I don’t understand how it doesn’t stress you out), but that does not equate to any further judgement.

            1. Can I explain myself, without judgment? It doesn’t matter to me because there are a million things completing for my attention at all times. I’ve made a conscious decision to ignore things that don’t matter. Deleting an old crate and barrel text just doesn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t. Im not missing new texts because of it. I’m not unresponsive in general. I’ve not missed anything. In fact, I showed up on time with lipstick and a cute outfit. I shuffled my calendar the day before to pick out the group gift for the birthday still made it to my kids Halloween parade on time. My friends know this about me so it really stung that they all called me out.

            2. Nobody is judging you!

            3. You have got to get thicker skin.

            4. They literally questioned how anyone could live like me! It was judgmental and embarrassing.

            5. I am also questioning that, but from a “how is someone so sensitive that they can’t shake this off” perspective. Toughen up. They weren’t judging you, but also, the vast majority of adults would not be internalizing the judgment of others over trivial stuff to the degree you are. This at most should be a stubbed toe emotionally, and you are acting like it’s a broken ankle.

         4. Totally overreading this – if I said this to a friend or acquaintance, it would be meant as just a casual/somewhat wryly funny acknowledgement of how different people can be – and as much poking fun at myself and my pavlovian conditioning to my phone’s notifications as as you (and I’d be so sorry if I knew it had deeply upset you!). For what it’s worth, I would joke about this with friends *because* it’s not serious, where I wouldn’t josh a friend about a messy car/house because that’s a topic I know a lot of people are genuinely sensitive to judgment about

            1. It felt like they were saying my disorganization was a problem. Like I am disorganized and they are not. What’s more they could NEVER be as disorganized as me and how can I even stand to live like that? It really hurt. I can’t imagine making conversation about how I’m more organized or have higher standards than my friends like that in any other context. I wish we could all just not do this to each other.

            2. But, did anyone call you disorganized? Or a slob? Because I agree, those are incredibly hurtful names. But it sounds like they didn’t actually call you that- you’re inferring that they did, when there’s multiple people on this thread trying to reassure you that’s not what they would have meant.

   3. I don’t think it’s that serious but you can probably set your text and voicemail settings to file spam or from unknown numbers elsewhere. I have tons of unread emails for this reason. Yes, I could go through all unread and delete them, but it’s not high priority.

   4. They don’t think less of you, they were just making conversation. I’m sure they’ve forgotten all about it already.

   5. IMO, there are two kinds of people in this world: (1) people like you and me (I have 163 unread texts); and (2) people who could never and like to tell everyone they could never. It’s all fine, and you just happen to be friends with a whole pack of number 2s. And just for the record, I keep a very tidy work inbox, but am just completely unbothered by my text and personal mail situation.

      1. Maybe I’m a third type: I get stressed with unread texts, but my inbox currently shows 60,307 unread emails.

   6. This happens to me a lot when i share my food intolerances. I have multiple chronic illnesses managed by medicine and also dietary restrictions. These include but are not limited to alcohol, gluten, sugar, most dairy, onion, garlic, acidic fruits, any high fermentation fruits (apple, pear), and more.
      People go on about how they could never.
      I cannot take it personally, and I don’t. It works for me – I live without pain this way. But it is a very different lifestyle that sounds impossibly lame for those who can consume whatever they want.
      People have big reactions and sometimes they are verbal. Take what is helpful (could be none of it!) and toss the rest.

      Internal locus of control and ability to self-soothe/tolerate discomfort are the best tools for getting through almost everything. This is not about you, this is about them and it is your job to decide you don’t need to take their reactions seriously. This is good news!

      You can say in future: “Yeah, people have that reaction, but it works for me” or “We get it, you could never.” or “It takes all kinds” then change the subject. Or even just “huh. Moving on…” and subject change. Keep it light and keep it moving.

   7. I currently have 2071 unread text messages. It is because I get so many updates and delivery notifications. People I need to communicate with never have an unread message.

      I have so much crap in my Gmail inbox that I opened a second account for career stuff.

2. I posted on the morning thread about burn out and got a couple of surprising answers. If you’re in house, how many hours a week do you actually work?

   1. Sometimes a few more and sometimes a few less but it averages to around 40. Almost no weekends and evenings very rarely.

      But I am a level down from our CLO. I am definitely a worker bee not the queen – and paid accordingly. (Not a complaint; I had the CLO job and while the money was nice, the ability to take real PTO is better.)

   2. About 40 on average. At a firm it was usually about 55 to bill something in the low 40’s.

      1. Oh, I report to the GC.

   3. It depends, but typically around 40. Sometimes more. I find my busy weeks in house to be exhausting in a different way from firm life, largely due to the sheer number of meetings. Getting actual work done is so much harder. The calendar management alone takes a significant amount of bandwidth during these times. I also find it very draining to be “on” in meetings for so much of the day. I report to the GC.

   4. Generally 45-50, and the GC is my grandboss. I work in tech, though, which I feel like is generally more hours. Definitely more than when I worked in-house at a bank.

   5. Also 40-45 hours (sometimes less and very rarely more) and I am GC-2.

3. One of my friends always talks about how men are useless and can’t plan anything or organize anything. She is married to a man. Do you know people who talk like this? What do you do? Is this a common mindset?

   Men seem to plan things for work (among many other things) without a problem.

   1. Unfortunately, I know a fair number of women who talk like this. I find it annoying because generalizing about literally half the human population is not helpful or fair.

      I find it more common among the chronically on-line.

      1. This. It’s as annoying to me as all the other current societal tropes, followed closely by the menopause industry.

   2. My theory is that people care about keeping a job and manage OK there. But I also think that if you’re above 40, there is a sh*t-ton of undiagnosed and under-treated ADHD out there where people manage at work and it takes all their energy and they are just burned out and sloppy at home, in all things, starting with laundry.

      Throw in a wife of medium competence but no ADHD and that is how this arises (IMO). But when I get super-busy in life, I tend to view as optional anything where I can’t get fired if I just let it sit another week-month-never.

      1. Sooo many men who had ADHD in K12 decided to quit managing it altogether later. I’m not saying they should all be on the same meds they were on in third grade, but they definitely aren’t fully functional.

         I have undertreated ADHD too, so I can relate.

      2. But there are plenty of women with untreated or undertreated ADHD. What do they get to do?

         1. Women are not allowed to let things slide, so we learn to cope.

         2. The same thing. I feel like my daughter with ADHD will be a great worker but just put her energy there and come home and cocoon each night. Even with meds, things fry her out and it takes her a long time to recharge. She may need to be taught things that I just figured out. And it’s not like I had training on how to be a neurodivergent parent. And at least I know her ADHD is real and not her being lazy or having a character defect like my husband was made to feel as a kid.

   3. A couple of my friends, but to be fair, their husbands ARE really terrible at planning and organizing anything so their take is that men are just bad at it. I don’t have the heart to burst their bubbles.

   4. This feels similar to the post “one of my co workers told me they used bag salad to meal plan, can you relate?”

      1. Right?

   5. Some men are useless. I don’t think most are.

      This may be a bit of a hot take, but the men I know who are useless husbands and fathers were useless boyfriends and it was pretty clear to everyone around them that they were always going to be useless. The women who married them either had blinders on about how bad it was or accepted it because they were in a big hurry to get married and have babies. Yes there are some men who have some major personality changes after having kids, probably something akin to postpartum depression, but that’s not very common and 99% of the time when a man is a totally useless father it was very clear before kids that he was going to be.

      1. I agree with you. Or it all became much clearer once the couple got older and had real responsibilities.

      2. Well yes she married him because she thinks all men are useless so she believes this is as good as it gets.

      3. This is the old trope. Women in emotionally, mentally or physically neglectful relationships deserve it because they picked wrong.

         1. I didn’t say they deserve it but in most cases there are red flags there long before marriage.

            1. I must have fell in the 1% who really never saw it coming. (Was that a statistic that you pulled somewhere or just your own incredibly ignorant opinion?) Picking the wrong man has been one of the greatest mistakes of my life. I beat myself up an up almost daily. And it’s always some loudmouth on the Internet who declares I should have known better.

            2. It’s never too late to leave.

            3. I did leave. Geez. You just have all the answers dont you?

         2. It does not mean they deserve it. It is a life skill to recognize red flags, and another life skill to make difficult decisions based on recognizing red flags. Difficult decisions like leaving a relationship and starting fresh. Choosing to be single is hard. Wanting children and a partner is a powerful motivation for overlooking red flags, particularly the louder the biological clock is ticking, or if the biologically feasible window is closing.
            We all make mistakes in life, they are unavoidable. Some of them come with a heavier cost than others. Also, partners are never perfect because humans are flawed. Something that seems benign without children in the mix can evolve into a serious issue once kids are born.

      4. Ahh, right, so it’s the womens fault.

         1. Everyone has the right to make bad choices.

            1. This is the type of shaming that keeps women with abusers. Do better.

   6. Sounds the same as women with unfaithful husbands saying “all men cheat” or “men are men” / “men are pigs.” They generalize because it is their experience with the main man in their life, and our perspectives are typically quite limited to the things we are faced with day to day.

      Don’t read too much into it – her husband probably just doesn’t plan and she assumes all men are like him.

      1. This, plus the fact that many women marry men who are similar to their fathers, so it’s really their experience of the two main men in their lives. And if they had brothers who received the message that women planned things, maybe 3 or more.

   7. Honestly my husband is good at planning things. He’s generally an organized helpful person. He didn’t grow up planning Christmas Eve dinner or birthday parties so it’s something we’ve had to figure out together. I think if I’d grown up in a house where the mom did all that stuff alone I’d have assumed it early on and then complained about my incompetent husband. But my dad plans thanksgiving and birthday parties and boys trips and golf fundraisers so I’m convinced men are good at planning.

   8. There are a lot of men who refuse to do things like that in their home lives and a lot of them are married to women, who probably talk about how useless they are.

   9. It is a common mindset among women who are married to useless men. Like the people in my life who say things like that all have manchild husbands. I think there are some women who were blinded to this or their partners hid it well before marriage/kids, and there are some women (more my parent’s generation) who like being the only one that can plan a holiday/schedule xyz/keep the house running.

      I will gently push back – though it is a fine line between suggesting they could expect more of their husband/find a better partner & just sounding smug about your own marriage. “e.g. oh my husband actually does XYZ, it works well for us!”

      1. This is why women stay. The public shaming.

   10. I think it’s a common mindset. But there’s also a difference between being “useless” and not being good at planning or organizing. Some men are truly useless, but some women get entertainment out of complaining about their spouses playing into tropes.

       My husband has ADHD and is absolutely terrible at planning and organizing (even at work, even when he cares about things). He might have more systems if he didn’t have a competent wife, but I think he’d also just spend/ waste more money to compensate with last-minute travel or whatever.

       DH also has strengths that complement my weaknesses. I’m not remotely handy. If I weren’t married to DH, I’d probably know where to spray WD-40 on a hinge or how to start the lawn mower. I’d also spend/ waste a lot more money to compensate, either by hiring people to fix stuff or buying new stuff when something can be repaired. (A couple of weeks ago, our washing machine was leaking, and DH fixed it after buying a $150 part!) I’d hate for him to call me “useless” just because I fit the trope of a woman who can’t hang a picture. (Confession – his mom comes over and helps him hang pictures.)

4. OP from the morning with the musty coworker. I agree that smells just mask an odor and aren’t a great solution. I will try an air purifier as a last ditch effort but I don’t know if saying anything to this person can solve this. It’s not a food smell. It’s not a gym smell. It’s a dead skin smell. Nerdy boys in high school smelled like this, the ones who didn’t get sweaty from playing sports but who maybe didn’t wash their sweaters or their hair regularly. He is otherwise clean seeming and dressed well so not sure if it’s hygiene or just a personal thing. I don’t know how you even have this conversation without it being terribly awkward. The smell is in both his office and our shared entry. Worse in his but definitely present in both. I guess I could just say I think something smells and not go further than that but if he doesn’t smell it, I don’t see how it helps. I also think that while it’s reasonable to have a no fragrance policy this is the equivalent of a fragrance to me and just as offensive. If fragrance is unreasonable, why is it reasonable to put up with this smell just because it’s not a synthetic ?

   1. I had a coworker who fits this description. Nerdy guy who appeared to shower regularly, but every winter, his clothes (sweaters especially) smelled awful. It was an oily body smell, not BO. I never said anything because what the heck can you say, other than DO YOUR LAUNDRY, BRO.

      1. The wool sweater/coat smell is horrific. Especially on a rainy day.

   2. Why are you so obsessed with this? You’re the problem here.

      1. I don’t know that she’s obsessed with it but I also don’t think these random gross questions need to be two parts in the morning and afternoon.

      2. Her earlier post said “I hate the smell and I find it super distracting. ” She’s not obsessed, but it’s affecting her at work, so it seems reasonable for her to try to address it in some way.

      3. +1. It’s been more than a year? And you’ve tried nothing & are all out of ideas? Why bother complaining if you’re not willing to do anything about it? Trying some sort of deodorizer should be a very easy first step. Maybe if you’re so deeply avoidant, moving offices is the answer.

      4. I agree the obsession is weird, plus now she’s also making it weirdly personal and insulting, calling it nerdy boy smell… even though she said he doesn’t smell like this outside the office. If that’s really the case, it seems more likely that it’s his bag or jacket or hat or something that doesn’t get washed often that has picked up a weird smell.

         1. I agree, and I really don’t understand the “nerdy boy” reference to stink.

            I will add that I can smell an unwashed head from a mile away, and that the smell of unwashed head is not limited to age, sex, athletic ability, etc.

            Also, I do have core memories of picking up a stinky backpack.

      5. Anonymous at 2:26: what do you think is the purpose of this blog? This is something that’s clearly bothering the poster and happening at work. Why is this not an acceptable topic for discussion here?

         1. agree

   3. Behind the ears and back of the neck cause this. I only wash my hair once a week so have to be conscious of it.

      1. I just had a flashback of a very heavy set boy in elementary school who perpetually had a ring of grime around one of the rolls of skin on his neck. He was otherwise in clean clothes, had clean hair, an involved mom at home, etc. As a mom now it baffles me that she showed him how to scrub his neck better.
         Kids (of all genders!) need directions on personal hygeine and how often to do things like change clothing/wash gym clothes/towels/etc. I have told my kids (many times!) that they don’t smell great and to take a shower.

         1. In young kids, what looks like grime around the neck can be an early sign of Type 2 diabetes.

   4. This comes up periodically on Ask a Manager, and it seems like towels are a frequent culprit. People aren’t washing their towels frequently enough, or maybe are using fabric softener or something that’s building up residue (or too much detergent or maybe a combination of things), then the person picks up the odor when using the towels but is nose-blind to it. I’m not sure how I’d handle in your shoes, but I think as you consider your options, it’s worth remembering that there maybe something happening that is fixable but also he’s not aware of. Maybe worth saying *something*?

   5. I don’t think anyone said it was reasonable to put up with it, but the difference for people with fragrance sensitivities is that someone could need medical treatment for the fragrance and you will not for this issue. They can cause asthma attacks, severe migraine attacks, etc. These two things are not comparable.

      Ask to change your office. Have a private conversation with your manager or HR. Personal hygiene is something you would think would be noticed by others.

   6. The magic hockey potion may help you:

      1 part wintergreen rubbing alcohol
      1 part peroxide

      put in spray bottle, spay area

      for 10 minutes it will smell like a dentist office, then poof, no scent remains

      it works on clothing, in funky sneakers, in the car

      1. She can’t spray it directly on the dude, though. And peroxide will bleach everything.

      2. Um, peroxide bleaches fabrics

   7. A regular air purifier that removes particulate, even if it has a carbon filter, won’t be enough. You need a carbon filter marketed specifically for odor removal. Febreze used to make a plug-in that was very effective–don’t use the scent packet, just the carbon filter.

      Ultimately, though, you need a new officemate.

      1. OP here. New office mate isn’t an option because this is someone who reports to me and cannot be moved unless he stops working for me, which seems like an extreme response.

         Also – it hasn’t been a year though this has been ongoing for some months because at first I couldn’t tell if it was the office or not as we moved there at around the same time as this person came on board to work with me.

         As for why I used the specific “nerdy” descriptor, it’s because the morning thread yielded enough comments about food smells or gym clothes that I felt the need to be specific as to what this smell was like.

         1. Girl, talk to him!

5. Re: the Bodies Are Stupid post from the morning – I once got a contact stuck in my upper eyelid. I didn’t exactly know what it was so I went to the ophthalmologist who similarly removed it in a minute.

   I wonder what people did in ye olden days if you couldn’t get it out. I guess maybe you’d figure it out eventually.

   1. I went to the urgent care facility because I had a wood splinter in my foot I couldn’t see well enough to remove and my husband was too squeamish to deal with. The doctor kind of rolled her eyes….and it took her a solid 5 minutes of trying (and a shot of lidocaine) to finally get the thing out!

   2. My kid’s pediatrician had a thing, like a long silver scoop thing, just for getting beads out of noses. Which my kid only did one day I really needed to work late. Luckily it took a matter of seconds to dislodge said bead.

      1. There was a song in the old musical The Fantasticks that had a verse that went “why did the kids put beans in their ears?”

         1. There is a whole novelty song about kids’ putting beans in their ears. It ends with “I think that all grown-ups have beans in their ears.”

6. Interesting article in this morning’s NY Times about “bird theory,” or how you respond to your partner’s bids for connection: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/01/well/bird-theory-tik-tok-relationship-test.html?unlocked_article_code=1.yU8.riJ-.HuzKiot8AHk2&smid=url-share (gift link).

   Funny/sad story: My former husband used to read me the electronics store ads out loud every morning at the breakfast table, and I, being a good wife, would respond with appropriate interest. One morning I had the timerety to read a real estate ad back to him and he responded, I kid you not, “you are filling my head with useless junk!!”

   1. Yesterday I saw a hawk in the back yard and my husband got up from his chair in another room and came outside to look at it. Much better! :)

      1. This made me smile and actually tear up a little.

      2. We do this too, lol. We’ve seen some really amazing birds this way!

      3. Perfect encapsulation of a happy marriage v not. Thanks for sharing

   2. I think this makes sense for things that actually matter, and it’s not a test. Like my husband genuinely cares about whatever video game he’s playing or virtual world he’s building. I genuinely couldn’t care less about those things. But if he comes in and tells me his wizard whatever just vanquished the other player’s elf whatever, you better believe I’m going to ask him for a play-by-play of the battle.

      And if I tell him that he needs to listen to these two 10-sec clips of a two different singers to hear how the placement of the notes is so different, or he needs to listen to this 27-second clip from a song three times because the harmony is just perfect, you better believe he puts it on the good speakers in the living to make sure he can hear it just right.

      I feel like there’s a difference between a random test and the actual goodwill that accepting a bid for connection creates. Listening to each other, responding with interest to a “boring” topic that your partner cares about, shutting the laptop when they come in to talk to you, etc. are all real ways that we show that we care about each other.

      1. 100% agree. I think the test is dumb but the idea is solid. There are a lot of things that I wouldn’t organically be interested in but if someone you care about (spouse, friend, family member) is telling you about it you should be interested in them enough to be invested.

      2. Please share the harmony clip! I would put it on the good speakers too

   3. The same is true for friends. If you respond to your friends’ bids for connection (especially news updates) with disinterest, it will definitely affect the friendship. It’s just not great to respond to “I got the job!” With “that’s nice.”

   4. Oh yall. I LIVE in a bird test ha! My husband is a hunter and does genuinely have fantastic eyes for spotting game. Every time we’re in the car together, it’s, “Look!” And then it’s a game whether or not I at however many MPH can also spot said creature. We’ve been married 8 years, so I’ll glance up most times with, “Mhm! That’s a big one!” and go back to my phone or whatever. I love him tons, but at 60 MPH, most of the time I’m not going to spot whatever naturally camouflaged animal, and it can get annoying to play the “game” every single time we get in a car forever…though my sweet husband never seems to tire of it.

   5. Awww. I’m sorry you went through this. I realized my now-husband was a good guy when I texted him the love languages quiz and he responded back “these kinds of quizzes are ridiculous. It says I’m a blah blah blah but clearly I’m blah blah”. Even when my bid was very not-him, he engaged with it and shared in it with me.

7. To the OP this morning, as a fellow Bay Area dweller, you have to figure out what you truly want, what concessions you can make, and then execute. It sounded like perhaps you want the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood at a rate that’s less than what others are willing to bay (so well below market) and to stay in the Bay Area. Unfortunately that isn’t possible. There are lots of neighborhoods in the Bay Area that are still reasonable, but they are not the trendy parts of Berkeley or Rockridge. Also some of the areas with “less-than-stellar” schools are just ranked lower because they have a larger population of low-income students, not because the teachers are less competent than the wealthier suburbs. Most middle-class suburbs are safe. But if you and DH are running into “there is something wrong with every option” attitude, you have to figure out what you can afford and how to make peace with whatever choice you make.

   1. What made you think “seeking perfection” from that post?

      1. She received suggestions and in response said things like “not good enough schools” “don’t want to move” “can’t have too far of commute” “condo would have HOA” “can’t leave Bay Area” etc.

         1. Those are all factors that everyone who is househunting takes into consideration. I think you’re projecting a bit.

            1. I don’t think the 3:01 poster is projecting. Of course everyone has to compromise a bit when house hunting but if you live in the Bay Area and aren’t a billionaire you have to compromise a lot more.

            2. Yes, of course you take them into consideration. But she can’t afford all of those boxes ticked in the Bay in her budget, so if she wants to buy a house, there will likely have to be some compromises somewhere. There’s a difference between taking factors into consideration versus ruling options out based on said factors.

            3. Not in the Bay Area. This comment is spot on.

            4. lol, OP here and I’m well, well aware of the need to compromise. I thought that was abundantly clear in my post! Didn’t I mention I’ve never lived in more than 1,100 square feet and that I currently have popcorn ceilings?

            5. Those aren’t really compromises!

            6. Is 1,100 small for a city dweller? My 4 bed/ 3 bath suburban Midwest house is 2,300. I’ve always assumed city people live in much smaller spaces — 1,100 doesn’t actually seem small to me for a city apartment? I mean I get why you’d want more space with a growing family, but trotting out this “never lived in more than 1,100 sq ft” statement over and over again doesn’t seem surprising or impressive to me.

   2. OP here and I went to a poor, rural school in CA that had some real gems of teachers, so I understand the concept of test scores not telling the whole story, but there are schools in the East Bay that are EFFING terrible and there’s no denying it. I don’t think it’s being focused on “perfect” that makes me say it’s not a good bargain to spend $1M for a home in a completely awful school district – it’s simply a consideration.

      1. But the houses in truly terrible school districts are often $400,000 to $800,000. For 1 million you can definitely afford a good house in a good school district. I’m at 1.5 million for my budget and I feel like there are tons of areas in the East Bay with good schools and beautiful, large enough houses. For $1 million there are still a ton of cute places in good areas. Just perhaps not in the North Berkeley or the Berkeley Hills.

         My sister purchased an $800,000 house recently that has 4 bedrooms, 2,00 square feet and gorgeous views of the Bay in Oakland on the San Leandro border. It’s in a decent school district and very safe. There are still a lot of areas where you can get reasonable deals in this price range.

         1. Just 24% of Oakland schools are “above average,” which is a low bar. I think it’s fair to say there are deals to be had, but it’s also fair to say that the compromises on basics (like safety and at least average schools) can be pretty severe to get them.

            1. Yes, so there are still above-average schools in Oakland, and more than half are either average or above average. Going to an ‘average’ ranked school isn’t typically a dealbreaker for someone on a tight budget.

               No one is forcing anyone to stay living in the Bay Area. But it isn’t true that there aren’t reasonable sized houses in decent school districts and safe areas at the million-dollar price point. They just might not be in the most perfect school district with the biggest and most perfect house. It’s all about compromises

            2. What % of schools are you expecting to be “above average”? There’s an intrinsic limiting factor there…

            3. If your sister got a 4-bedroom house with view for 800k, the school ain’t decent.

            4. The school is actually better than decent! It’s a highly ranked charter school. She loves it and she’s thriving.

            5. I’m glad for her, but if she’s in that general area and zoned for Castlemont for high school, then watch out.

            6. Thank you for the heads up! High schools are obviously a whole different beast than elementary schools.

         2. Lolol where in the Bay Area can you get a livable house for $400k? Forget good school districts, that budget is impossible unless the house is literally falling down and requires $200k+ in renovations to be livable. And no Vacaville is not the Bay Area, that’s central California and is much closer to Sacramento than SF.

            1. The 400,000-800,000 was literally listed as a descriptor of the terrible neighborhoods. No one is saying that you can get a desirable house for that in the Bay.

               But you can definitely buy for that in the more working class areas. Areas of Vallejo, Concord, Oakland, Richmond, even Napa in the Westowood area.

               Vacaville is in Solano County and does count as the Bay Area, though yes it’s also very inland.

            2. Vallejo is a rough place to live. Beautiful Victorians though.

            3. No shade to Vacaville, it might be a fine pace to live but it’s by no stretch of the imagination in the Bay Area. That’s like calling Providence “Boston.” It’s part of an entirely separate metro area.

            4. It is objectively in the Bay Area. The Bay Area is a defined region that encompasses 9 counties, including Solano County. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco_Bay_Area

            5. You can call it whatever you want but it’s a 2+ hour drive from SF with traffic and surrounded by farmland. It’s plainly absurd to talk about houses there in a discussion of the expensive housing prices in the Bay Area. It’s like if someone asked about the Chicago housing market and you told them about a cheap house 2 hours away in rural Wisconsin. Like obviously it’s cheap, it’s in the middle of nowhere.

            6. It’s actually both – it’s absurd and it’s kinda normal for Vacaville to come up in an SF housing conversation, because there really are people doing that kind of commuting! I think it’s a reflection of just how nutty the SF market is (compared to Chicago, where like you said, no one would consider a similar town a reasonable commute), and maybe a little that SF still has a higher proportion of hybrid/kinda remote jobs (4hr commute 1x/week is different than every day)

      2. Honestly, I’m not sure there are schools in the Bay Area I’d be entirely comfortable with anywhere. The ‘good’ public schools and private schools are insane pressure cookers, but the bad schools can be really bad, as you note. We left for financial reasons, but I think finding a good school system would have really complicated things even if we’d had unlimited funds for housing and/or private school. Just my two cents. Some of my friends who stayed are happy with their kids’ schools, but they’re all quite a bit more tiger parent-y than me and are happy to have their kids in a really high pressure environment.

         1. Agreed – the Bay Area is a tough place for schools. I have friends in San Francisco who are struggling with the lottery system.

      3. There’s literally a house on my street in Oakland (in the best school district) that’s been on the market for 3 months at 1M.

         1. Thank you! I have no idea why so many folks are hellbent on saying every sub-one million dollar home in the Bay Area must be unsafe and have horrible schools. The Bay Area is rich and diverse, and the non-wealthy / non-white areas still count as the Bay.

            1. It’s because so many of the schools legitimately are terrible – like stabbing in the parking lot and 17% reading at grade level terrible.

            2. Because the vast majority of the schools in non-wealthy areas are terrible.

            3. That’s so classist and just factually incorrect that I am not even going to try arguing with you.

            4. But the top students may still go to med school and law school.

   3. OP from that post, also look at options in San Leandro. Lots of nice houses under 1 million and there are some good elementary schools.

8. Speaking of sunscreen … anyone going to IFEBP next week? Excited for Hawaii!

9. Fashion advice welcome! I bought this dress earlier this year and would like to wear it to a wedding this weekend. It will be chilly outside, so I would like to add black tights and black heels (preferably not boots, boots might be too casual). Any suggestions on shoes?

   https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B151LX9Z?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title&th=1&psc=1

   1. Maybe a block heel suede pump?

10. The last two years, DH and I have hosted a Christmas party for our friend group the weekend before Xmas. Kids (ages 8-18) were also invited, and it was successful enough that even the college kid of the group made an appearance! We make homemade hot cocoa and cookies. The dress code is “Christmas PJ Formal” because the whole point was to do something low-key with zero pressure during a season when there can be a lot of stress and expectations. Usually, there’s a Christmas movie playing in the background. We want to host the party again, but I’d like to add in a fun activity to keep it fresh. There are a few people in our group who LOVE games. I’m not a big game person but could get on board for this. Any great ideas? Or maybe a VERY low-pressure craft station?

    1. I host a very low key Christmas Eve party with a wide age range of people. I have an area going with a puzzle, card games out (Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza) and regular playing cards and this year I am adding in an area where the little kids can color a giant Christmas banner. I’ve seen cute banners on Amazon! So it’s not really a craft- more of a coloring station.

    2. Christmas jigsaw puzzle and station to make a graham cracker house? (Low pressure craft situation.)

       1. +1 to both of these

    3. Our friend group does a very campy white elephant exchange each year, with the rule that you can only bring something you already own or that was otherwise free. We have one particular gift that gets re-gifted every year (it’s a wooden coat hanger painted in Christmas colors). Others will wrap things to look like the coat hanger (wooden spoons or used fairy lights cleverly arranged, etc.). And the real coat hanger is usually disguised. It’s silly and loads of fun.

    4. Cookie decorating is kid-friendly. I like popcorn strings for the tree, or other easy ornament crafts (like salt dough or something like that, or greeting cards or gift tag making (this keeps it paper only).

       1. Seconding cookie decorating – I throw a cookie party every year, and my husband makes mulled wine. I have amassed a serious amount of sprinkles etc at this point. I make cookies and frosting and set everything out. It’s a hit. We usually have 60+ people pass through the house over the course of the afternoon.

    5. sugar cookie decorating station? (make it a contest – best design, most festive, etc.)

       a gingerbread house building or decorating contest would be fun but that’s a lot more effort/mess

       a white elephant or trying to unwrap a gift while wearing oven mitts

       name that tune w/ christmas songs

    6. Maybe have some decks of cards handy, or something that can be quick like Uno, Bananagrams, etc? Some games take awhile, so they can kind of suck energy from the room if they tie up a chunk of guests.

    7. Christmas Movie Trivia! Christmas Pictionary/Scategories.

    8. Last Christmas a saran wrap ball with little prizes ($1 scratch off, lip balm, trinkets) wrapped into it that you had 20 seconds to unwrap with oven mitts was hilariously popular.

    9. Construction paper, markers, and stickers for a card-making station?

    10. Christmas trivia game. We used to be regulars at a party with Christmas trivia with a rotating theme, e.g., Christmas toys, Christmas movies, Christmas music, etc. Families competed as teams, and the winner took home a ridiculous homemade trophy and brought it back the following year. This same party also featured a pinata for the kids.

        One of those “guess how many Christmas ornaments (or whatever) in this jar” stations always gets some interest, especially if there is a prize.

    11. I think a cookie swap is always fun (and you can also vote on a favorite cookie).

11. Where do you buy indoor Christmas decor? I’m thinking Ralph Lauren-style garlands, ornaments, lights, etc.

    1. I look at fancy catologues and put together an idea of what I want. I then keep an eye out literally at all the places to put together what I want. So Home Goods, Target, Michaels, AtHome, Lowe’s, Home Depot, etc and then pull together dupes with what I have.

       So I’m 100% that person who will see the gorgeous Pottery Barn/Balsam Hill garland and then zoom in and see it’s a faux droopy sage green with classic faux balsam and then a handful of berries and combine three cheap craft store garlands to something really nice by adding. a velvet ribbon or similar. I also craft a lot of stuff.

    2. Balsam Hill for garland, Pottery Barn for things like tree skirts, ornaments we pick up 1-2 a year as souvenirs from traveling or at our local Christmas market. Target Wondershop for lights and wrapping paper.

    3. IKEA, West Elm, Trader Joe’s. The last two have lots of things made of felt, which I’m a fan of because my cats can’t knock them on the floor and break them.

    4. Target, Pottery Barn, Balsam Hill, Amazon, cast-offs from my mother. I’m at the point now where I have everything I need but upgrade 1-2 things most years. Last year, I bought a new tree skirt from Balsam Hill after the cat made a permanent bed out of the old K-mart tree skirt. Two years ago, I bought an embroidered table runner from Pottery Barn. This year, I want to buy new throw pillows for the couch.

    5. West Elm

    6. A surprisingly great resource for decorations (especially faux trees) is QVC. You do not have to order from the television. QVC has a fully functional website.

    7. I kind of max out at real garlands and lots of battery powered tapers. I admire Ralph lauren Christmas from afar but my house is minimal scandi and love the simple white against the green.

12. Question about easy style… I’m just emerging from a very rocky 5 years which was preceded by 15 years in an abusive marriage. My confidence is slowly increasing, and things that I used to do as a young adult are starting to be within reach again, like stilling my hair and wearing make up. However, life looks different now as I have young children, and am between jobs (doing freelance tutoring during my kids school hours and after they’re in bed) so money is tight.

    My kids have a decent basic wardrobe each, but my own clothes are very worn out with no style really (think Costco basics from years ago, been through the dryer quite a bit, bobbly sweaters etc). I’m likely to end up working remotely as a consultant (I’ve sent out letters to local businesses and have ordered business cards, and will follow up with phone calls) so nothing fancy, but I’d like to look put together as it will help with confidence and self esteem.

    Any pointers?

    PS I know this is an old fashioned approach to consulting. It’s intentional as I live in a part of the country where things are still very relationship driven, and I’m new to the area. There aren’t any major corporations here, which would be a great fit as my experience is in corporate finance/business partnering for large corporations. My only fairly strong connection is with the local church, so I’m doing the letter/website/business card approach.

    If you read this far, thank you and please be kind.

    1. Post in today’s thread – I am sure you will get responses there!

       I think that you can get cute basic things at Target and you don’t have to buy fancy make up either. So blow-drying your hair, putting lipstick and other light make up, with a bright top, can look great for remote work with zoom calls. Good luck!

       1. Thank you and will do!

    2. I have gotten some SHOCKINGLY nice jeans from Walmart. Like 99% cotton, dark rinse, trendy cuts, etc. Their sweaters are garbage but can sometimes get 100% cotton shirts and dresses. Post again today and I bet lots of people will chime in!

       1. Thank you will take a look!

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