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Updated: Feb 20, 2019 259 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: The Davin

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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unstainable white shell Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I always like Elizabeth & Clarke's mission – workwear with a focus on machine washable, stain-proof stuff (they actually have a proprietary fabric technology, Unstainable, to repel all water- and oil-based stains). No where is this needed more than white blouses — and I love that this one promises 100% opacity. It's $60, available in sizes 00-14, at Elizabeth & Clarke. The Davin Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

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Comments

  1. Secondee Question

    Reposting as I posted too late yesterday.

    I’m a 4th year biglaw associate about to be seconded full-time to a SI client of the firm. I was working mainly with FI clients, some of whose portfolio companies are in competition with the SI client. I had never worked with this SI client before my secondment, and it’s likely I will go back to working with the FI clients (rather than this SI client) when I go back to my firm.

    QUESTION: Should I/Is it okay to tell existing clients exactly “where” I’m being seconded and/or is it okay to post the position on my Linkedin account (as “Secondee”)? Or would this run the risk of rubbing people the wrong way?

    While I haven’t asked to be placed on this secondment (while secretly rejoicing over the 40 hour work weeks to come in the next few months), but will need to tell the exiting clients that I’m being seconded full-time so won’t be around for awhile promising to follow up for whatever they need… I’m wondering whether telling them the actual name of the SI client would be indiscreet/not telling them is a bit rude.

    My thinking is that the FI clients really won’t care (90%), or will be happy that I will presumably gaining some expertise on the industry (5%, although obviously won’t be disclosing their info to SI and vice versa), or annoyed that I’m out of office in the middle of some projects/that I’ll be working for a competitor (5%, but although I’ve been consistently and almost exclusively working with these FI clients as a “core team” member for the past few years, the deals are well staffed so as to cover any gaps I may be leaving behind) and I’m inclined to put it on my Linkedin for resume purposes, but wanted to be cautious just in case. Any thoughts appreciated!

      • Secondee Question

        Financial investors (private equity funds) and strategic investors (normal companies with operations).

    • Anonymous

      In BigLaw. Is FI is fixed income?

      If you are in proximity and your hours are better, meet clients (of your BL firm that you want to keep up with) for lunch/dinner so you don’t drop off their radar.

    • anon

      This is a question for the client relationship partner as to how you should answer questions about transitions and staffing.
      I think you can put it on your resume that you “advised SI clients on x,y,z” I wouldn’t disclose the actual name/location of the company anymore than you would disclose any other identifying client information.

    • Anon

      I think it’s fine to tell people you’re seconded; this sort of thing happens all the time. Gently, I think you may be overthinking this. But why not just ask your firm what they want you to do in terms of communicating to clients? This will depend on the firm and where you are seconded from. Different places have different policies re things like access to emails. Your firm should be able to answer you questions on this.

      • Secondee Question

        Thank you, everyone, for the helpful comments! I too think I may be overthinking this; I realize it’s highly probable that no one actually cares (for better or for worse).

        I asked the managing partner for my existing clients and he actually couldn’t give me an answer (he was mostly pissed that a different partner is “poaching” me to send on secondment because they couldn’t find any lawyers that fit this client’s highly specific requirements for a secondee), and the secondment staff team wasn’t much help; apparently the firm has a policy on access to materials for the duration of the secondment, but doesn’t have a set policy for how to communicate the fact of the secondment to other clients (although standard confidentiality protocol would of course apply).

        FWIW, most people at the firm do put their secondments (including client’s name) on resumes / firm website / Linkedin profiles, which is why I was considering doing the same… I’m just a bit of an odd case since usually people are seconded to clients they had previously worked for as main contacts, rather than to their competitors.

    • SHS DC

      Double-check with your firm on what their policy is in this regard, but does the client have an explicit agreement with your firm to widely disclose the fact that they are a client? If not, then you may not be able to tell anyone, including LinkedIn. You are seconded – you still work for your firm, and firm clients for particular matters aren’t usually ongoing public knowledge (unless your firm lobbies on behalf of the client). The way I see it, you’re working on a particular matter (your secondment) for a particular client, same as if you were reviewing a contract or working on a deal or anything else, so confidentiality applies.

      I was seconded while working at my BigLaw firm, and had other clients at the same time as well (part of the deal with my secondment was that I could continue to work on some matters with my firm). I told these clients, who were wondering what I was doing on the West Coast all of a sudden, that I was seconded to “a pharma company in California.” If they were to ask which one, I would tell them “I’m so sorry, I can’t say, but I took a look at the question you posed in your email a few days ago…” My resume and LI say “Seconded as [position] to international pharmaceutical company where I [Did things].”

      • Secondee Question

        I posted the other comment before seeing this one — thank you, this is more or less my situation as well and very helpful.

    • cbackson

      You really, really need to discuss this with the firm and specifically with the partner handling the secondment. I’ve done a secondment myself and have worked at multiple firms; this is incredibly variable. We have an associate who is currently on long-term secondment to an FI client and he’s been removed from our website, and his LinkedIn lists only the client he’s seconded to – his prior experience has temporarily been removed. We’ve had other associates where the secondment went on their resume and they were still on the firm website and it was NBD.

      • Secondee Question

        Thank you, I didn’t realize there were such different ways this is handled — the firm held multiple debriefing sessions for me this particular topic never formally came up, and the partners didn’t really have an opinion either way when I brought it up with them informally (it was presumed at the meetings that I would stay up on the firm’s website, and I will have continued normal access to firm email/database).

        Following everyone’s advice, I will definitely check things (officially) with my firm/partners before I make any changes to Linkedin/resume.

    • Anon

      Girl learn to define your acronyms – jargon only works with your direct colleagues. It will help you communicate better.

  2. Momofboys

    I’d need to tuck this in~ Too much belly pooch accentuation~ but it is an interesting price that has workhorse potential. That said, does anyone have real experience with this brand? Truly unsustainable white ? How about the sizing?

    • Ellen

      Kat, I love this blouse! It says it is both unstainable and machine washable! Whenever I go over to Rosa’s house, the kids always spill food on me, and I have had to wear sweatshirts whenever I am in Chapaqua which really gives me a belly pooch. Ed’s friend even thought I was married & pregnant when I was holding the baby wearing my old GW sweatshirt! When he found out I was NEITHER, he was VERY embarrassed!

      Anyway, I want to ask the HIVE if they know anyone our age that would move into 53 W 53 in Midtown Manhattan? I am trying to convince my dad that the place is not for young people and that the neighborhood is to sterile with no real nightlife! He wants to buy a place and make me live there so he can just take the subway up to Colombia U where he teaches a course. I said I want to stay where I am! HELP!

    • Anon for this

      Also intrigued by a white blouse that won’t get pit stains, but turned off that they don’t tell the fiber content. “100% Crêpe de Chine” isn’t informative – is it silk crêpe de chine (unlikely given the price point), polyester (probable), or something else?

      • MORY

        I have been receiving Elizabeth & Clarke subscription for close to 4 years and absolutely love their pieces. They hold up well, have beautiful detail and the unstainable options are phenomenal. 90% of my work blouses are from E&C. That being said – they’re a subscription service. You get three shirts a quarter of which you can choose from the 3 new styles or from 4 classic white styles for $120 per quarter. I recommend ordering a box 100%. Their returns are awesome if you don’t care for them. Pay attention to the size charts.

        • Ms B

          Can you advise how the sizing runs? I am a true petite (under 5’4″ and short waisted) cusp size and cannot tell from their site if I will end up with the dreaded arm hole gap by the time I get a size that fits my bust.

          • Pickles

            Their customer service is pretty good and I would recommend contacting them for assistance. I found their sizing unfortunately inconsistent after initial enthusiasm. I have this one (5’7″, long waist, hourglass) and for me, it runs short, boxy, and bulky – like all the ones from them I’ve tried. Really wish they made shirts for more than one body type. I don’t think there’s a huge arm hole gap, but I don’t pay much attention as I always wear it with a blazer.

  3. Anon

    How do I ask the partners I work with for more work? I recently left biglaw, where we would get staffed by someone in HR. Now I’m at a boutique and saying,”Hi, I’ma littleslow, can you give me more work?”seems a little too direct?

    • Anon

      You can be direct. “I have some time, is there anything I can help you on?”

      • Anonymous

        yeah don’t worry about being direct. when you’re not billing, they’re not making money off of you.

    • midsize

      I agree that direct is totally fine. Would just add that the lingo at my mid-size firm is “capacity” … as in, “I have capacity right now if there’s anything I can help with.” I’ve found myself using it just to avoid the word “slow” … but that’s my own insecurity when it comes to being light on billables.

      • EB

        We use capacity too. I also think it is more descriptive than “slow” – you might not be slow, but might still have capacity and want more work.

        Definitely be direct. In my small firm, we put the onus on associates to tell us when they need or want more work and consider it a performance issue (or for more junior associates, a learning opportunity) if they are not properly managing their workload in either direction. We also expect them to proactively suggest both billable and non-billable projects if they are looking for work, but that may not fit into the culture of your firm.

  4. Anon

    Any recommendation for a room humidifier (one that can humidify an entire room rather than an area)? I heard mixed things about the Dyson one.

    • Anon

      Look at Wirecutter reviews. Humidifiers are notoriously hard to keep clean so that was also important for me to consider.

    • Frenchie is my favorite kid

      I like my Air O Swiss (now Boneco) 4177 model. I only use water from our reverse osmosis system (distilled water works too, but then you’d have to buy jugs of it) so that I don’t get mineral buildup. We’ve used several of these for years and have had no problems.

      I also like that they are made in Korea. Korea uses humidifiers in almost off in-patient hospital rooms so they are more demanding regarding cleanliness of unit, ease of use and technology. We also have a humidifier we bought at the Korean appliance store near us and it similar. Both have micro mist so the surrounding area/items don’t get damp.

  5. Carribben AI Vaca

    Feeling burnt out and looking for a relaxing warm weather vaca with DH to revive us in late March-April. To this end, I don’t have the energy to do much planning and am looking for reccs for all inclusive resorts in the Caribbean. TTC, so only looking at zika-free locations.

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    • OP

      Leaning toward Bahamas for easy/short flight. Wondering if any ‘rettes has specific resorts they could recommend.

        • Anon

          Really? There are some incredible (and incredibly expensive) AI resorts in the Bahamas – Fowl Cay, Kamalame Cay, etc. I haven’t stayed at them, but I’ve read about them in tabloids or luxury travel magazines and I find it hard to believe they pale in comparison to Atlantis. Fowl Cay gives you your own BOAT for the duration of your stay.

        • Frenchie is my favorite kid

          Eh. I’ve been to Atlantis and it was just ok. There are some gorgeous all-inclusives. Check Costco travel for easy airline-transfer-resort packages.

      • Pompom

        I have stayed at the Melia on Cable Beach, and enjoyed it. Compact resort with good amenities and good-for-AO-food. We upgrade to the Level (their VIP section) anytime we stay with Melia, which gets you primo rooms, a beach butler, a private section of the beach, and a special lounge with all day food and beverages, printers for boarding passes, etc. ( I think it also gets you priority reservations too, iirc). We visited several years back for an anniversary, F-Mo, and it was a nice getaway!

        • Pompom

          Coming back to note that it looks like there’s a relatively new SLS on Nassau, which looks fabu. Don’t know if it would fit your needs/vibe, but I’m curious now…!

  6. TopdownRachel

    How many of you suffers from migraines?

    I’m a fund manager and one of my colleagues is considering quitting her job due to frequent migraines with visual auras. She’s 28 and get severe attacks once or twice a week. These attacks usually last 1-2 days, yet she never misses a day of work. She is even one of the best employees in the company. I also get moderate migraines several times a year. But her migraines seem to be so terrible, “like the worst thing on the planet”.
    Now she’s considering quitting the job. As a personal friend, should I persuade her to stay? If so, how?

    • Anonymous

      Has she taken short term disability to address this? Encourage her to take medical leave to address the issue vs. quitting her job entirely, which i presume would jeopardize her health insurance which she clearly needs.

      • TopdownRachel

        Thx. I will try that. It would be a pity if she quits such a promising job.

        • JazzyRose

          Also, she’s tried all the really intense medications already, right? And botox?

          • Annonnnn

            I have a good friend who treats her migraines with Botox. Lifesaver for her.

          • Anon

            I’m the anon below. She should absolutely try preventatives, botox, and the new CGRP drugs before quitting her job. The problem is that insurance won’t cover the latter two without spending months trying preventatives (beta blockers, topamax, etc.) and those can come with some pretty major side effects that are no joke if you’re already struggling to keep it together with an intense job and lots of pain. The right combination can be life changing, but there’s no way to get around the trial and error, and it can be hard to do that and still hold down a job. I was only willing to try topamax after I decided I didn’t care whether I kept my job. It helps, but the adjustment period is tough.

          • Anonymous

            Did you start on a low dose of the topamax? My doc just recommended it but I’m pretty nervous to start.

          • Anon

            I just want to comment here that I suffered from very frequent migraines for a while, and ended up on Bystolic and Topamax as preventatives along with Treximet as needed. Within a year of being on the preventatives, I had the migraines under control and was able to wean off of them. I now only take a triptan as needed, and am no longer on preventatives. If you can do the preventatives, know that it has a good chance of helping and you can probably get off of them at some point.

          • Anon

            RE: topamax dose, I started at 25 mg and still only take 50. At that level the cognitive side effects are noticeable, but manageable. I now spell everything wrong and make tons of typos in everything I write, but I can mostly fix them by spending a lot of time proofreading. A higher dose would almost certainly help, but I strongly suspect anything more would cross the line to the point where I really would be struggling to do my job.

    • C

      I have severe migraines and I don’t understand how she never misses work. When I get an aura, I have 2-3 hours before I can’t do anything except lie in bed in total darkness. Moving or any light or anything else is completely intolerable. That said, once or twice a week is a lot and would definitely merit medical attention regardless of severity. Is it possible that she’s quitting so that she can pursue a treatment plan that isn’t conducive to working full time?

      • TopdownRachel

        She gets painless visual aura for less than an hours. I guess your aura is different from hers.
        As far as I know, she is not going to conduct any treatment plan that requires a part-time job. Maybe she just wants to get some rest.

    • Em

      I sometimes get auras with my migraines and the visual impairment is so bad that I cannot read or drive. It is often followed by debilitating pain and the only way to get rid of them is to take a triptan and go to sleep. Getting them weekly and having them last 1-2 days would absolutely impede my ability to do my job. Thankfully most of my migraines don’t include auras, and I only get migraines a few times a month. Having been on both sides, I don’t think you can compare your situation to hers. Trust that she knows her own health.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t. You aren’t in her shoes. That sounds absolutely debilitating – like FT disability level.

    • Anon

      Does her job make them worse? If it does, it’s completely understandable that she’d want to leave, even if she seems to be performing well. It’s also worth considering that she may be covering well at work, but unable to do much else. I’ve had chronic migraine for most of my adult life and maintained a fairly challenging job, but it’s been at the expense of being to do anything else. It’s really, really hard, and it wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially since the work environment contains many of my biggest triggers. I’ve only been able to do it because my job also has a fair amount of flexibility, but I’m at the point where I’m very seriously considering leaving anyway. For me, the hardest thing to cope with actually isn’t the pain, but how isolating it is to deal with hiding a chronic health condition and the fact that I really can’t do most of the things most of my (almost all male) colleagues take for granted. Without that stigma, I think it would be a lot easier to get by at work.

      • TopdownRachel

        I think it likely that such a challenging job have made her migraines worse. Not sure if they will be improved after quitting.

      • Anonymous

        I’m similar to the poster above – have had chronic migraine for several years and work in consulting. Although I appear to be doing well at my job, I have little left outside of it. I really like my job but I recently started working part-time in order to try to work on some of the things that may reduce the occurrence/severity. I also keep my health insurance this way. As others have said, a lot of the things that may be helpful require a lot of time, and there are a lot of things to try that may or may not help (including preventative medications, procedures, lifestyle changes). I will see how part-time goes but I will also consider leaving because it is really tough.

        I think your friend should definitely try the new CGRP auto-injector drugs – the results of the studies are promising and I have found it to be helpful. I think there may even be promotions where you can get it free for a few months (as it takes a few months to ramp up to the full effective level).

        One other note, my neurologist is supportive of part-time but she did not want me to stop working because she has seen that be a problem for chronic migraineurs (lack of schedule, potential stress if money is tighter and career prospects are lower).

    • Leah

      If she’s getting them that severely and that frequently, she should be seeing a specialist and trying the less common treatments by now. Off-label meds, botox, daith piercings, injections, nerve blocks, etc. That requires good health coverage, which someone who quits their job would probably lose.

    • Belle Boyd

      I wouldn’t persuade her to stay, but I would persuade her to find a doctor that specializes in migraines. There are a lot of new treatments out there (Caveat: a lot of these new treatments may/may not be covered by insurance or may be covered at a level where her cost is still pretty astronomical. Mileage may vary.) and a migraine specialist will work with her to help her find and minimize (or at least find ways to control) her triggers.

      I’ve suffered with migraines since I was 6 years old. Some of the jobs I’ve had did seem to aggravate them due to stress or environment, but there were things I was able to do to help to work around some of the worst of those issues. It’s not easy, but being able to maintain my independence was very important to me. I know everyone’s situation is different. I also have been working with a migraine specialist who has been life-changing. The right doctor can make a huge difference in your friend’s life. Do encourage her to find help. (and I encourage you to see a migraine specialist for your own migraines, too!) With all the advancements they’ve made and the medications available now, it’s not necessary to suffer!

    • Anonymous

      I suffer from migraines and no one in my professional life knows. Without meds I get them 24/7, no exaggeration. It has taken a decade of trial and error under the care of a neurologist to get to where I am today, which is 2-3 migraines a month (that are quickly aborted with meds). What I want to point out is that there are extremely new treatments available in 2019 that few people seem to be aware of that WORK REALLY WELL and have VERY FEW SIDE EFFECTS and is CHEAP (my fellow migraine peeps know this is a big deal) called CGRP Inhibitors. It’s a once a month injection that you administer to yourself. There’s a few brands available, I am using one called Ajovy. I guess this is a PSA for those who haven’t heard of CGRP inhibitors and that its possible to have devastating migraines, that at one point almost completely ruined my life, and to get better (although not be 100% cured)

    • Anon0221

      I get aural migraines 1-3x a month and they are debilitating. I can’t imagine getting more than 1 daily! I use maxalt, lifestyle adjustments, and Botox… something that also helps is that my work does ergo assessments for our work environments (including our travel set ups). When I use the proper screens/setup/breaks, I’ve found I have less triggers. She needs to go to a specialist ASAP- I suffered taking Tylenol with codeine for 2 decades until my eye dr opened my eyes (pun intended) to the works of new treatments.

    • Miss

      Second everyone who suggested she see a headache specialist. Migraines are very complex and she needs to be working with a doctor who is familiar with the disorder and can suggest a variety of remedies (which may include lifestyle changes—triggers really vary but I do better with lots of water and no fluorescent lights).

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like adults should make their own decisions about their health and career and it’s not up to anybody to “persuade” another adult to do anything. I might ask whether she’s seen a headache specialist but I would never dream of substituting my judgment for hers.

    • kay

      Maybe she needs a break from the job that gives her headaches (no sarcasm intended). Sometimes the pressure and stress from a job could be one of the causes of her migraine.

      Long time migraine sufferer

  7. Anon

    I watched “Abducted in Plain Sight” last night and am still so frustrated at the parents and every single adult involved in that case this morning. Honestly if you haven’t seen it I can’t recommend watching it because there is nothing redeeming about it, no lessons to learn from it because it’s just a train wreck. But those that have seen it- thoughts?

    • Anon

      Is that the one that took place in Pocatello? A friend watched it and told me the parents were too stupid to be believed. We then rehashed a now familiar convo that some people are not suited to be parents (she is in social work and has a front row seat to horrible parenting).

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t seen it yet. A sibling works in a social work capacity in a hospital where sick children sometimes a trainwreck of a family that cannot care for them and yet the hospital cannot keep them, so the poor kid often bounces back and forth with constant re-admissions, lost schooling opportunties, etc. And that is just medically fragile kids. Nothing like this sort, so I think it might be too much to emotionally handle. I haven’t yet thrown anything at my TV, but I might just based on what I know about this.

    • no

      I watched it. The whole thing was insane. After the second go-around too I can’t believe the FBI let them keep their kids when even the investigators thought they were ridiculous. There was zero common sense in the whole house.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I watched it in my garage gym and was yelling full-volume at the parents. My neighbors already think I’m bonkers and that didn’t help.

    • Annonnnn

      You can tell the parents still adore B, even after all that he did!! It’s insane. The sleeping in the same bed as the girl because it was his “therapy” even though they were uncomfortable with it!?!?! WTAF.

    • Anon

      I actually thought it was a great doc that really underscored the ways someone like him could manipulate, not just the child but everyone around so that he could do what he wanted. The story about the aliens was particularly fascinating, as well as the story about the priest prescribing laying in bed with the girl to get over his prior childhood trauma.

      I also think it was interesting how he used the church and religious as a cover up for being such a horrible man. Ted Bundy did a similar thing joining the LDS church in Utah. Times are certainly different from the way they were back then, for example, we generally do not give our neighbors as much access to our homes and our children anymore, but we often still do for members of our religious organizations. Its often not stranger danger, but people who are close to you danger.

      That being said, I have never been more afraid to walk the streets at night than after I watched the Ted Bundy Tapes (also on netflix). Yikes.

    • Anon

      In additon to what everyone else said, I can’t believe she’s still close to her mother. I think the parents are sick and complicit.

    • Anonymous

      I think her sister understands the parents really well “That’s why, she says, “they didn’t probe more when they knew something had happened. They didn’t want to know. It’s too painful for them to realize that they allowed that to happen to her.”

      https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2019/02/abducted-plain-sight-review-netflix-documentary-robert-berchtold-brobergs/582145/

      Not the same degree but reminds me of my owm mom who cannot handle any references to my clinicial depression and suicide attempt as a teenager. It’s like 20 years later she wants to pretend it never happened because it means she’s a bad mom if I went through that and she didn’t help me. Many people have a hard time accepting that they could have done something that would make a difference and they did not. It’s easier to pretend that there was nothing they could have known/done vs. live with the guilt.

      • Vicky Austin

        That must be unbelievably painful for you, but I think you’re right. Parental guilt is so crushing, and not everyone handles it well. I struggled emotionally for a time in college due to something which my mom also felt guilty about, and it was so impossible to talk to her about my pain without it becoming all about hers that I gave up and went to therapy instead just to get a blank wall to talk to.

      • Anonymous

        I am so sorry for what you have been through and for the fact that your mother will not acknowledge it.

        I am the mom of a 12-year-old girl, and I call total B.S. on the sister’s excuse. It is natural and normal for a mother to look out for danger and protect her child. When your spidey senses tingle, you get your child out of that situation immediately and investigate to find out what is really going on. You don’t care how much pain it causes yourself or anyone else as long as you are stopping your child’s pain. In this case, the mother admits that she was uncomfortable having her child sleep in the same bed as an adult man, yet she went along with it anyway. She chose not to rock the boat and to protect her own feelings by pretending she didn’t know what was going on. That is NOT natural or “easy.” It is sick and twisted. The parents here are not victims. They are knowingly complicit. The children should have been removed from the home.

      • Anonymous

        I haven’t seen the documentary but I enjoyed the article. I’m always saddened when stories like this come out, and people’s first reaction is to figure out how they would’ve known better. It reminds me of how people talk about victims of domestic violence. Like I said I haven’t seen the documentary and I’m not saying the parents are perfect, but I think it’s a little sad if the takeaway is, look at these terrible parents, rather than, manipulators are very good at what they do here are some early warning signs that will help you protect your family.

        • Anonymous

          Identifying warning signs of a manipulative criminal and pointing out negligent parenting are not mutually exclusive.

    • In-House in Houston

      That documentary was bonkers. The parents waited about a week before they reported her kidnapped? What blew me away was that they let a “family friend/adult male” sleep in their daughter’s bed 4x a week?? WTF??? I wouldn’t let a “family friend/adult male” sleep in the same house as my daughter, much less her bed! Those parents were just idiots!! Maybe it was the 70s and the world was a different place back then???

      • Anon

        I think thats what it was, I think the parents were just too trusting, and this guy was a smooth manipulator. Imagine someone so charismatic that you can’t say no to. One who is a stellar member of the community, and the church. (Also, imagine that you are not that bright and are attracted to him yourself).

        I guess the best example I can think of is, if you ever had a crush on a teacher or coach as a preteen or teenager. If he/she asked you to, you might have done stuff that you wouldn’t have done otherwise. Because of your emotions you might get carried away and act without really thinking it through. And I think thats what happened to both of the parents. They were just star struck by this guy. And B played into it. He purposefully gave into the things that they secretly wanted, specifically the affairs, but he also doted on their kids and made them happy in ways that they couldn’t because of lack of time or resources or whatever.

      • Senior Attorney

        I was there in the 70s and, uh, no.

        Adult males did not sleep in beds with little girls.

        Good Lord.

  8. Woods-comma-Elle

    Hi ladies!

    Recommendations sought for two rather different locations: Maui and Alaska in the summer. Basically what the must-do things are, and where we should stay, drink, and most importantly: eat (or what to avoid)!

    We’re not budget travellers and we like luxury and fine dining (certainly in Maui at least!) but also don’t want to spend money just for the sake of spending money and would rather just do the Awesome Local Thing whether it’s a Michelin star place, or an over the counter thing in an industrial estate (shout out to Mark’s Place in Kauai!)

    We’ve been to Hawaii a couple of times before, but other islands, and this is my first time in Maui. DH went before but years ago and we’re basically starting from scratch. We will hire a car.

    Alaska is new to both of us but I have been wanting to go for ages. Because of Reasons, we would be flying into and out of Anchorage and will also rent a car, but won’t want to do long drives (4h plus) as we don’t have a lot of time.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      In Alaska, you’ll definitely want to drive to Denali which is about 4 hrs from Anchorage, and Seward, which is about 2.5 hours and from which you can see Kenai Fjords National Park. I also highly recommend a day trip to Katmai National Park for bear-watching, but you can only go from Anchorage via float plane and it’s a lot of money (about $1000 per person). We did all that in about 6 days and it didn’t feel rushed. You only need 1 full day at Denali and a couple days in Seward.

      • Anon

        Thank you – this is super helpful and which months do you recommend going?

        • Anon

          We went in July which I think is the only time you can reliably see bears in Katmai, but there are other bear-watching places if you care about that and can’t go in July. In general, Alaskan summer is short – mid-June through mid-Aug and activities will be limited in non-summer.

      • Anon

        +1000 to Mama’s!

        Re: whales, I think it depends on your priorities. Whale season is mostly winter and the beaches are generally much rougher then, which can make swimming, snorkeling and paddleboarding really hard. April/May might be the best of both worlds. I would not recommend going Dec-Feb if you calm beaches are a priority.

      • Traveling Lawyer

        Ditto to Mama’s Fish House in Maui. Make reservations and consider going more than once depending on how long you’re there. I also love doing the Road to Hana, but driving up the other side is also fun. I prefer Ka’anapali Beach,but alot of people also really love Wailea.

        And now, I really want some fresh fish from Mama’s…

      • CCLA

        Yes yes yes to Mama’s – make sure to book a few weeks in advance if you want dinner; lunch can be a little less notice but still need reservations well ahead of time. For a delicious more hole in the wall spot, check out the Ono taco truck near Lahaina/Kaanapali.
        Summer will not be whale season, but a boat trip to Lanai is still a fun way to spend a morning and get some good less crowded snorkeling in – I like the ones that go on the Zodiac boats but I forget who we used. I wouldn’t say the beaches are noticeably rougher any time of year as long as you’re on the west side (Kaanapali, Wailea, etc.). We prefer Kaanapali because of the walkability, but Wailea is nice too. Avoid Lahaina other than as a jumping off point for excursions. Hana itself is not much to see, but the road to Hana (leave early or be prepared for lots of slow moving cars) is great if you don’t get carsick. Probably still a good idea to bring some cash for the roadside food stops, though most of them have card readers now. Black sand beach is a cool stop. If you do want to stay in Hana for a bit (not recommended for the entire trip) the Travaasa Hana is a wonderful escape resort, but does not have a great laying out/swimming beach. You might be tempted to make the Mama’s reservation for the same day you’re doing the Hana drive since they’re on the same side of the island, but don’t – Hana drive is too unpredictable and you don’t want to miss Mama’s!
        We did the drive up to Haleakala for sunrise once, and while it was beautiful, it was sooooo crowded I’m just not sure it was worth it. Definitely not in my top 5 things to do in Maui.

    • Anon

      We went to Alaska 10 years ago, so take this with a grain of salt, but: we hiked on a glacier called Exit Glacier near Seward, and it was an awesome experience. Specifically, it was with a guide, and not only included a hike to the glacier but we also actually hiked ON the glacier, with cramp-ons and next to crevasses and the whole deal. I did a super brief google search and found some references to just hiking to the glacier and back, so maybe they don’t let you on the glacier anymore, but worth looking into.

      We also took a small plane out of Telkeetna up to the glaciers in Denali which we thought was worth it. It flew amongst the mountain peaks and the glacier was different from Exit in that it was snowy with different views.

      We took a bus tour of the non-Mountain part of Denali and to be honestly for us that was just okay. It was on a school bus and within the first half an hour the windows were caked with kicked up dirt so it was tough to see anything. It is also a little bit of luck if you see interesting animals or not. But maybe there were better tour options or maybe it’s better now.

      Have fun!

    • Anonymous

      The absolute best thing to do and best dining experience in Alaska is to eat at The Saltry which is on a small island off of Homer. When you make your reservation they will take care of the boat trip to the island for you. It is amazing and the best food on the planet.

      Homer is on the Kenai Peninsula which is absolutely beautiful and a short drive from Anchorage – highly recommend.

  9. Anon

    When you work in consulting and have a proposal season, how you handle bidding on proposals when you are planning to leave your job? My supervisor has said I should put myself forward on any proposals that interest me, but I don’t want to act like I’m all in on big projects when I’m actually halfway out the door. I also don’t want to let anyone know I’m leaving before I have an offer in hand. It’s a small company so there aren’t tons of people who could fill in for me if I left a role on a new project, although they could hire someone. What’s the etiquette here?

    • Anon

      Do your job until it’s not your job anymore. Right now, it’s still your job.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      If you don’t have an offer in hand, proceed as though you’re staying. Maybe you won’t get any offers, or none that you want to accept! If you leave, they will cope the same as they would if you got hit by a bus, except presumably they won’t be as sad. That’s just part of doing business.

    • Anon

      Put yourself out there in proposals until you leave – they will replace you, don’t worry

    • Anonymous

      Bid aggressively. Don’t leave before you leave. Until you have an offer you don’t know you’re leaving. This isn’t an etiquette question.

  10. Anon

    For people who have been in the online dating world, are the paid sites like eHarmony and Match any better than the free apps? I think all the free apps are basically the same – they have many of the same people on them and just present things in slightly different ways. I’m tired of weeding through a hundred profiles of people who are definitely not right for me to find one person who might be. I’m also tired of feeling like I don’t know who’s actually active on these sites and who isn’t. I almost wish I’d get notified when I like someone and they don’t like me back, at least it would feel like all of this isn’t just going into a black hole. I’m ready to be married and have kids (with the right person) so I’m not looking for “dating for fun.” It’s shocking to me how many 35ish yo men there are who are still “dating for fun.”

    • January

      So, I happened to have met my significant other on Match after burning out on the free apps. In general, I think most people who are on the paid sites are also on the apps, although my guy was not (he didn’t like the idea of the apps). I had tried Match previously and not liked it, so I feel a little hesitant about recommending it now, but it did help me find someone I wouldn’t have met if I’d just stuck to the free apps. That said, you still have to separate the wheat from the chaff on there.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think that many (any?) suitable men use Match or eHarmony anymore.

    • NOLA

      My friend who is your age is doing multiples, including Match and Bumble. She is looking for a relationship, but right now, having fun dating.

    • DCR

      I’ve tried both Match and eHarmony at different points in the last five years, but neither in the last two years. I felt like it was a waste of money. I live in DC, and all of the men on the sites lived like 2 hours outside of the city. (Maybe this is shallow, but I’m a city person and don’t have a desire to date someone who I could only even potentially see on the weekends because they live in the country). The vast majority I wasn’t interested in – the few I messaged didn’t respond and the few who messaged me I wasn’t interested in.

      Maybe it is better in other cities, but I don’t know anyone who has had success with paid sites in the DC area and I know tons of people who had success on the free apps.

      • Anonymous

        I had the same experience but for sort of the opposite reason. I live close to City A and 1+ hours from (bigger) City B. I’m not interested in dating someone who lives in City B. I set my geographic location pretty low to intentionally exclude City B, but eHarmony and Match consistently send me guys from B. I called eHarmony to complain once. They told me I need to be open to City B if I want to meet guys. The free sites seem to have plenty of guys in City A so I’m not sure why I would pay for a service that’s trying to make me commute 2+ hours for all of my first dates?

      • Anon

        I’ll echo this for DC. I met my husband on Tinder. I last used dating apps in late 2016, so my info may be out of date, but then, the guys on Match were all Single For A Reason (just really odd fellows or BAGGAGE) and eHarmony guys did live waaay out in the suburbs. And, super fun, one of the guys from eHarmony was married. (I used that old “type the cell phone number into Facebook” trick and it pulled up a smiling photo of him with his wife and kids.) I did see some different people on the various platforms, but I still liked who I saw on the free apps best.

    • How Long

      It might be location dependent, but Match was not good here. 90% of the men in it were also on the free apps and the other 10% were not suitable. After that experience, I decided not to try eharmony. I have good friends who met on eharmony about 10 years ago, but the world of online dating changes so rapidly. My experience with Match was last summer, and I’m in a small city in the south.

    • Anon

      I tried Match/eHarmony maybe 5 years ago and they were mostly wastelands. Everyone who had signed up for them was already on OkCupid, which is where I met my husband. I think especially now, more people use other sites like Bumble and Tindr and maybe Coffee Meets Bagel.

  11. dc anon

    I have A Date coming up. Husband is planning a night out for us with dinner and drinks. We have two little kids and I cannot remember the last time we did this. So, what.do.i.wear?? I want to look nice but also comfortable. The usual guidance is jeans and a nice top, but I have no idea what is a nice going out top. Its cold, so I’d like to wear sleeves. Any advice? Links would be super helpful!

  12. Anonymous

    I need care tips for white sweaters. I love a white cable knit sweater in the winter, but mine always get a dingy gray-ish tinge after just one winter of regular wear. My usual solution would be bleach, but I suspect I shouldn’t bleach a sweater. Is this instinct correct, or is bleach ok? Is there something else I should be doing to keep my white sweaters white?

    • anon a mouse

      The care depends on the fiber content, but I have switched to an oxi-clean soak to revive my whites. Usually 2-4 hours and then launder as normal, and they are so much brighter without having to worry about bleach.

    • Leah

      Have you checked your water quality? You may need a filter on the in-line. We got one, and my clothes stopped fading/pilling like mad.

  13. Earth Engineer

    Anyone here concealed carry? I’m thinking buying a compact handgun and a holster for everyday carry, under my blazer. I am used to wear suits to work. Any suggestions?
    Note: I’m not pro-2A or pro-gun. I just feel like I need more security for commuting.

    • Anon

      Where do you work so I can avoid the person with the murderous weapon in the workplace?

      • Earth Engineer

        Guns are just tools to me. I just want to get some extra security. Don’t be salty.

      • TopdownRachel

        And if you don’t live in a safe place you probably will end up like me.

        • TopdownRachel

          I used to concealed carry before I moved to a better neighborhood. This is America and many people don’t have a choice, just like she said, don’t be salty.

    • Anon

      I mean if you want to own a gun you are by definition “pro gun.” You may be in favor of some reasonable gun control measures, like most American gun owners, but you are pro gun.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re concealed carrying a handgun then you are definitely pro-gun. Carrying a gun around with you everywhere is literally the dictionary definition of pro-gun.

      Having zero guns in your home and not allowing your kids to play in homes that have guns is when you say “I’m not pro-gun”.

      • MomAnon4This

        I have 3 kids and ask about guns in the house before they go there.
        However, I ask if the guns and ammunition are *locked* in a way that the children can’t access. To me that is more important than if the guns exist in that place.
        To each (parent) her own.

      • anti-gun

        Well that’s painting people with a pretty broad brush. I’m married to a police officer so obviously whenever he’s not at work, his gun is at our home. In a locked, ATF-approved gun safe. I would be very sad if children were not allowed to come to our home because of that. I am not pro-gun.

        • Anon

          Your home, your choice, but you don’t get to make that decision for other parents.

          • anti-gun

            Never said I was making any decisions for other parents…do you also require that families not have any type of medication, or cleaning products in their homes? Or are those products okay as long as they’re stored safely? What about kitchen knives?

          • Anon

            Guns are exponentially more dangerous than medication, cleaning products, and knives. It’s not remotely a valid comparison and you know it.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      What makes you feel that way? Are you being stalked? The chances of being randomly assaulted are very low, there’s no point in carrying a gun unless you’re prepared to use it, which is to say: unless you’re prepared to kill someone. That sounds like a terrible way to live. Combined with the risk of a deadly accident, I just don’t see the cost/benefit working out in favor of carrying a weapon every day, unless you live in the Wild West or are being stalked by someone you know to be violent, and even then you should pursue a restraining order first.

      • nutella

        Good point. I used to have a late-night walking commute and asked my cousin who is a police officer if I should carry mace on my keychain and he said
        it was more than likely going to backfire or I wouldn’t be able to reach it in time (yes, even if my keys were in my pocket, I asked). Instead he recommended the following: never wear headphones, walk quickly in the middle of the street or under lights), walk with a flashlight and be obvious about looking around, and if you are ever confronted – throw your money/wallet and run the other direction screaming. If someone is going to hurt you, it’s likely because they want something of value from you, not just to hurt you. And a daily dangerous commute is not worth your life – so address that first.

    • anon a mouse

      Hard to believe you’re not a troll, but what is it about your commute that would require a concealed carry and not just sticking a gun in the glove box?

      • anon

        Just fyi, if my casual understanding of my juridiction’s gun laws is correct, a gun that is accessible but not locked (in the glove box or within reach behind a seat) would require a conceal permit.

        • anon a mouse

          Sure, but she’s asking about holsters. A holster seems like a lot if you just need it for your commute.

          • Annonnnn

            I would much prefer a holster to keeping it in my purse if I am commuting outside my own car.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in a very very blue state and have had a full LTC for 9 years now. I conceal carry whenever I can in my personal life, but work policy prohibits it. I have a Sig P238 and it is great for its small size and concealability. Not going to stop a machine gun, but it’s much easier to shoot than anything else I’ve tried. I have a larger one for home use. Curious if anyone can recommend a shoulder holster – I have not found anything good that is not an inside the waistband holster. I love my Crossbreed holster for IWB carry.

    • Annonnnn

      Does your workplace permit weapons on-site? Ours explicit prohibits weapons to the extent you really shouldn’t even have them in your car while you are on-site. I work for a publicly-traded global company now, but every place I have worked has had similar policies.

      To answer your actual question, you need to find a gun that feels good to you. Do you shoot already? If you have a range you belong to, reach out to some of the other female members and ask if you can try their firearms. Obviously, offer to buy your own ammunition. Also, some arms sellers will let you shoot before you buy. I strongly recommend that so that you know how the gun feels. A gun I like is not necessarily going to be a gun that you like. I prefer heavier firearms and have large hands which can more comfortably accommodate one, whereas some of my friends prefer smaller lighter firearms.

    • Anon

      I would check you work policies and handbooks, cause I think most workplaces ban guns.

      I also question why you think it is so unsafe you need one and whether it would actually make you safer, but at least consider whether you are actually permitted to bring a gun to work.

    • nuqotw

      No….but the advice I have heard is wear your suit/blazer to try on whatever holsters you have in mind, just like you would wear a big sweater to try on winter coats or stockings to try on work shoes.

      But yes, as someone above said, check your work policies. My workplace (federal gov’t) bans them completely. Not on your person, not in your vehicle, not in your office.

    • FYI

      Does transit allow guns? My impression is that, in Chicago at least, no guns are allowed on the trains regardless of the owner’s permit status. We looked into it after my sister was attacked on the train.

    • Anon

      I do not carry, but I have been through the class. This really is not the best forum to ask this question (I’d try to find a reddit if I were you, or use google for suggestions). Ignore the people who are jumping down your throat, what you’re looking to do is legal and can be done safely. Many people are afraid of guns on principle, but don’t understand those of us were raised around guns and hunting, know how they work, how to store them properly, transport them properly and safely, and have the absolute utmost respect for what a weapon can do if used improperly. If you’re making the decision to carry, I’m sure you haven’t made it lightly.
      You may want to see if there’s a gun club in your area, you should be able to try out different models, and they also all sorts of accessories (purses, holsters, etc) for sale and would be willing to give you advice. Many of them offer the training and license/permit classes you’ll need, as well. I would also verify with security or HR at your building if you want to carry on premises, you likely need to register with them.

      • Anonymous

        “Many people are afraid of guns on principle, but don’t understand those of us were raised around guns and hunting, know how they work, how to store them properly, transport them properly and safely,”

        Don’t lump hunters in with concealed carry handguns owners. DH hunts, my dad and brothers hunt and they all store their guns, locked and empty at the local rod and gun club. And none of us think that concealed carry handguns in the workplace are remotely the same thing as deer hunting.

      • Anon

        Nobody is jumping down her throat, they’re just correctly pointing out that OP is asking for advice on how to carry a lethal weapon with her and that she might want to consider some interim steps first.

      • Anonymama

        I am not afraid of guns on principle (I actually enjoy skeet shooting), but rather afraid of the many gun owners who were not properly raised around guns and hunting, who don’t know how they work, how to store them properly, how to transport them properly and safely, and fail to have the absolute utmost respect for what a weapon can do if used improperly. And even people with all of the above knowledge can get tired, or drunk, or forgetful, or lazy, or complacent, and fail to handle their guns safely.

    • Anonymous

      I have a conceal and carry permit, but don’t carry to work and don’t commute.

      I like .380 S&W revolvers for the type of use you are suggesting. I have friends and a former boss that carried the Sig described above, but its not for me. I tried it and didn’t like it. I agree with the strong recommendation to find a trainer or range friendly person who can assist you in trying out a bunch of brands/sizes/types before you buy.

      Before you buy, I also recommend researching different storage options, including vehicle storage.

    • Anonymous

      I would take some sort of self defense class first, if you haven’t already. I’d be concerned that an attacker would take the gun away from me and use it on me. I’d be more inclined to carry a pocket knife or pepper spray in the interim – something that can inflict enough harm to allow you to escape, but would be hard to fatally wound me with if they take it from me. Though tbh I don’t carry pepper spray because that stuff gets everywhere if you have to use it in close quarters, it’s just as likely to incapacitate me as the attacker.

    • anon

      I would suggest asking female law enforcement–many of them must carry and wear suits.
      I am actually strongly anti-gun by every metric, but I live with them around me, at home, work, and culturally. I would disagree with everyone on here suggesting you keep it in your car, etc. I already posted above that it might require a concealed carry permit anyway. And as far as I’m concerned, on your body is the most secure place to have it, and guns get stolen a lot.

    • Anon

      I would check with your office, I imagine guns would be banned in pretty much every workplace? Mine explicitly does not allow weapons.

    • Sarabeth

      I am rabidly anti-gun, but youtube apparently doesn’t know that. I keep getting ads for something called “Urban Holster” that might fit your needs.

      Though this is assuming that you have invested seriously in training. Definitely don’t just buy a gun and start carrying it around, because that will make you less safe, not more. Spend a lot of time at a range, and in self-defense classes designed for gun owners, before you start carrying a pistol on your commute.

    • lemon

      Yes – I have a lifetime permit and carry regularly, but in my purse, not on my body. I don’t wear pants often and never wear belts, so short of a thigh holster under my dress, I’ve never figured out how to carry on my person. I know that carrying in a purse will delay my response time, but it’s a limitation I can live with. I’d love to get a pair of those leggings with a carry pocket built in, but they’re all $100+ which seems excessive.

      Sorry you’re getting so much sh*t for asking a simple question. Women should talk about this more often, and if all you want to do is judge, then stay out of the conversation.

      • Anon

        +1 to this. I have had my CCL for six years and carry in my purse, not on my body. I have a purse holster with a flat bottom that is designed to position the firearm to be withdrawn from the handbag on the opposite side of your dominant/shooting hand. I have always carried a Ruger .380 and like it for lightweightness and portability. At home, it stays in a biometric safe that can only be opened by my thumbprint.

        As someone who has evaluated and made the decision to concealed carry, I know that CC is not your first choice solution. I don’t know your circumstance, but at the time I got my CCL, I worked as a prosecutor and had received threats. As someone said above, this is probably not the place to ask for firearm recommendations, but I’m sorry for all the judgment you are receiving for asking your question. It is not warranted.

    • Anonymous

      As someone whose job both requires that I carry and that I wear suits, the most effective holster I have found is a thigh holster from Can Can Concealment. They look like a gimmick, but they work. If you wear pants more than skirts/dresses, you may wish to consider a corset holster like the Dene Adams holster. I’ve found it much easier to actually conceal under a blazer than a holster that places the gun at my waistline.

  14. Anonymous

    I have two coffee questions. First, I think I’d like to buy a Nespresso – any recommendations there? I’m looking for something small and simple that makes both coffee and espresso. Second, what is the travel coffee mug everyone here likes? I’d love something that won’t spill if I throw it in my bag, if that’s even possible. Thanks!

    • Anon

      Love my nespresso machine. I have the original Essenza which looks like it is now branded as the Essenza mini. A guy I work with also has one in the office so I can bring my pods in for an afternoon cup. If he didn’t already have one I could use, I would probably buy a duplicate for the office. My understanding is the original pods are much less expensive than the vertuo. While I don’t have any knowledge of the difference in machines and can’t speak to comparison myself, another coworker loves her vertuo.

    • VoiceOfExperience

      We have (and love) a nespresso machine. None of them make both espresso and drip-style coffee, although you can make an Americano with espresso, of course. We got the fancy one that has a milk steamer and does espresso (Creatista I think?). They routinely go on sale for 40% off. We paid $360 in November but the rock bottom price is $300. Operating costs add up: the pods are typically ~$0.70 each. You can get better deals (like, buy 90 pods get 10 free) and I recommend keeping an eye open for them. I almost wish we had gotten a super-automatic espresso machine (which grinds coffee beans and makes an espresso). The upfront costs are tremendous but you don’t buy pods. We got this machine when our son was 2 months old and it felt like magic to come downstairs and quickly and easily make an excellent latte.

      • The original Scarlett

        I am now completely flummoxed as to what I drink every morning. I have a Nespresso & am pretty sure I buy coffee pods (it brews them in a lovely frothy way but it’s still coffee, I think) and espresso pods from them, so the machine makes both. I also got ours on sale at Macys – it was only about $150, it’s the Verturo line & I think there’s multiple kinds.

        • VoiceOfExperience

          I thought the Verturo made coffee and the original machines made espresso. I’ve been wrong before though…

    • C2

      The Zojirushi mug is really popular right now, vacuum seals and keeps things hot or cold forever.

    • potato

      You can try out the different types at Sur la Table or Williams Sonoma. They have staff that will make you a coffee and explain the different options.

    • Anon

      I have a Breville, which makes both espresso and lungo (coffee).

      Trader Joe’s sells compatible pods for forty cents each, FYI.

    • Verturo

      I have the Verturo and love the taste. You can buy espresso or do the drip style coffee. I will say most of them have a strong taste (which i love and am more used to now than i was when i first bought it). We got ours at sale at BedBath&Beyond and it came with a milk frother which i use for lattes on the weekend. It also comes with a box of sample pods so you can see what type of flavor you like. Each pod is about 1.10 (or 1.20 for the special edition ones). We tend to buy in bulk when there’s a 1 free sleeve type deal.

      You can also get a “welcome kit” in your first three orders which allows you to get some accessories with an order of 100 capsules. If you go into the store, you may be able to convince the sales person to swap out the capsules you don’t like in the 100 capsule welcome order.

      I also love that the pods are recyclable and you can easily add return bags in your order. I always add two to my order so i can easily return one and not run out before new ones arrive. You can get both the USPS bag or a drop-off bag at no cost.

    • Frenchie is my favorite kid

      I love my Nespresso. I bought one after we kept having amazing coffee at the breakfast buffets in Europe and it was always Nespresso.

      There are two main versions of the Nespresso – separate milk frother and integrated milk frother. You can buy a basic espresso/lungo (lungo is more of an Americano-drip coffee hybrid; it uses a different pod and more water) Nespresso for $100 ish.

      You can buy a kit of the basic plus milk frother/steamer for less than $140 on sale (fun fact, you can brew your pod over ice and press the button on the front of the frother for a few extra seconds to get froth without steam to make an iced latte).

      The nicest models are the ones with the milk integrated. The one I covet has a milk storage pod that snaps on and off for storage in the fridge. They are obvs more $$$$

      Target now sells Peets versions of the pods that are compatible but I prefer the taste of Nespresso pods. There are so many that it took awhile to find the one I like best.

    • West Coaster

      I recently invested in the Nespresso Inissia (compact countertop version) and I’m loving it! It brews espresso with the original-version pods. I was able to find knock-off Nespresso pods (original version) at Bed, Bath and Beyond for under $0.50 each, which is lower than the cost to order direct from Nespresso. The machine comes with a selection of pod samples, which has been handy.

  15. Vicky Austin

    What fabric shavers have y’all had good luck with? Available on Amazon is good but not essential.

  16. Anon

    My spouse works a job where most of his coworkers live on the west coast and in London and we live on the east coast. He literally wakes up to work demands from coworkers who have been up for hours before him and goes to sleep when coworkers in CA are still working (tech job, their hours are all over the place). This has lead to work creeping into our lives and him having trouble with boundaries between work and being off the clock. He knows this is an issue and is working on becoming less of a workaholic but I was wondering if anyone in this position of time zones had any tips for creating boundaries that I could share with him or ways I could support his efforts. What habits should he focus on first?

    • Annonnnn

      I work with colleagues all over the world, including England and California. He should deal with any demands during his regular work hours, making exceptions only for actual emergencies (I don’t save lives, so there are no true emergencies as far as I am concerned). He needs to work on not letting their anxiety become his anxiety. He has to stick to his boundaries and they will eventually get used to it.

      All of this to say, his work culture will influence if he can truly set boundaries to some extent. My boss is in the UK, but she is awesome and does not expect that I work on her time zone. I take my cues from my boss and I work my desired hours (6:30 am – 4:30 p.m.) Of course, my global colleagues send me requests and emails while I am not working and that’s fine. I handle them when I get in. All of that to say, assuming it won’t detrimentally affect his career in the near term, he needs to work set hours to the extent he can and everyone will deal with it. If work culture is availability 24/7, then I would suggest he start looking for a new job because he won’t be able to set boundaries without it hurting him IME.

        • Equestrian attorney

          +1. My office has subs in Australia, the UK, and California. I constantly get emails but only answer them during office hours most of the time, although I sometimes log back in after dinner to address any urgent issues. I used to also reply to emails when I woke up, but decided it was ruining my life and needed some me time – no one has ever commented on it and honestly I don’t think anyone has noticed.

    • cbackson

      The only fix for this is full buy-in from his company and co-workers regarding his work schedule. Has he had a conversation with his job about when he will be available to work and answer emails? That has to be the first step. After that, it’s about communicating that to co-workers. Helping him establish mental boundaries is really the last piece of it, because unless the expectations are clear with his company and co-workers, all the personal boundaries in the world won’t help.

    • Anonymous

      Another idea that I have tried with similar work hours and WFH is a split-shift schedule on days when I know that multiple time zones have crucial business needs that day. I work four hours really early in the morning (6 to 10ish), take a long lunch break (including getting in some exercise, and household chores), work another hour or two in the afternoon (1-3 ish), take a long afternoon/evening break, and then work another three or four hours before I go to bed (7-10 ish). Its not ideal, but I feel like everyone gets something from me that way.

    • anon a mouse

      I work across US time zones and my husband works for an organization based across the Atlantic. The best thing you can do is be clear about what your working hours (with your boss’s support). Set your work calendar to reflect that. For me, I don’t stress when I wake up to a dozen emails — I read them to triage response time. Does he feel like everyone needs an answer ASAP? Or is the issue that the European colleagues need an answer in the next few hours, since they will be logging off?

    • Anon0221

      I’m an east coaster working (only) with west coasters. Ymmv, but I wake up at 7, start work at 9 or 10, then go until 5; break from 5-7 to spend the evening with my kid, then work from 7-9, watch tv & relax with my husband until 11 or 12 (all east coast time). Our kid is in daycare from 9-5 (with extended ours if we need it). I block off the times I don’t want to work in my outlook calendar, and if I do need to take a call, I work it out with my husband or daycare to cover. I check in with email when I wake up and once or twice during my off hrs, but only respond if it’s aftually urgent, otherwise, it waits til I’m back “on”.

      • Anon0221

        I don’t communicate at large my schedule with my teammates and try to appear mostly available (which I think is key to successful telecommuting), but like some of the above commenters, work my busy times at work into my “working hrs” and choose other hrs to be slower/with fam.

    • Anon

      My husband did this for years: tech job, with team split between CA and UK. He was the only person in EST. The only answer is to set boundaries with the rest of the team (with support from management/team lead) and stick to them. Do not answer emails before 8:30 or after 6:30. Sign out of slack/skype/whatever other communication tools they use. Maybe give ONE person in each time zone his cell number so they can text in an actual emergency, but make sure it’s someone with decent judgment about what counts as an emergency.

      The only ‘trick’ I can think of is to make sure that he’s not sitting down to ‘just check this one thing’ before logging off. He should do that last check 30-45 minutes before he logs off, so that he has time to respond to things. If an email needs a more substantive answer than he can write then, it waits until the next day.

    • oil in houston

      I cover the entire world, from Alaska to China. The way I do it is this:
      I wake around 6.30am, look at all the emails I’ve received and see if there’s anything urgent from a. urgent things from boss (based in London), b. urgent things from direct reports (based everywhere), c. one of my ‘customers’ who is based in a 10/12h time zone difference as not responding then could make the difference between them seeing the answer on the same work day or not. Everything else waits until my office time.
      Then I go to work, do my emails. I block the time in the morning and in the afternoon to take my kids to school, as well as time to have lunch and go to the gym, as otherwise I’d be involved in meetings non-stop.
      In the evening, I check my emails again after the kids are in bed, and I respond to anything urgent / category c above as they’re starting their day.
      The key with all this is self-discipline. It’s so easy to get immersed in this sense of self-importance that the world can’t function without you. It’s simply not true, and provided people are dealt with in a reasonable time, then they’re fine.
      I’d add that unlike posters above, I don’t publicize ‘set working hours’, apart from blocking the times in my calendar, and if someone tries to schedule a meeting before my office arrival, I look at how urgent it is, if it’s not, I ask them to reschedule to a more me-friendly time. Sometimes though I have to take early/very late calls, but I do it from home.
      No one has every complained that I was taking too long to respond because they had to wait a day btw.

  18. S

    Has anyone been making a concentrated effort lately to purchase only clothes with “good” fabrics? What counts as a “good” fabric for you? Personally, I’m trying to balance something that feels and looks lux, breathes well, hangs well, but also isn’t totally impossible to maintain. Cashmere has been great (I just hand wash with wool-specific detergent), cotton is of course great, linen as long as it’s pre-washed, mixed feelings about silk (fussy) and viscose.
    What fabrics do you look for, and what brands tend to carry them? Have you totally banned polyester from your life?

    • Anonymous

      Following – was just reading in the NYT about how non-natural fabrics are part of the plastic problem. Sadly when I’ve gotten good stuff (Eileen Fisher) it gets holes within the season… but apparently EF takes clothes back.

    • pugsnbourbon

      My budget will never allow me to ban polyester.

      I will admit that this site has prompted me to be more conscious of fabric content when I buy things. I’ve eliminated acrylic, which I think pills too quickly. I also can’t do animal fibers unless it’s a super-low amount of wool – the itch isn’t worth it. Most of my sweaters are some combo of cotton/nylon/viscose, pants are poly/spandex/cotton, and shells are almost always polyester.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        I’ve semi-banned polyester for shirts and dresses, but that has mostly meant that I haven’t bought any shirts or dresses. :(

    • Anon

      I binge buy sweaters from Talbots when they are on sale and try to stick to merino wool. I wear a Uniqlo extra warm heat tech top underneath for extra warmth and to avoid any itch issues. Works like a charm.
      Other clothing – I stay far away from acrylic (not warm enough for my climate plus pilling), and to a lesser extent, polyester in summer clothes (too hot for my climate). I look for wool/cashmere/cotton/rayon/viscose/linen. Also love my silk blouses, don’t love their dry cleaning bills.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I handwash (or machine wash delicate, cold, no spin, but I have a no agitator washer) my silk blouses, even if they say dry clean, and thus far haven’t ruined anything. I also decided I am no longer adverse to polyester blouses, after realizing I am far too lazy to get around to handwashing or dry cleaning my silk blouses on any sort of regular basis and they just sit in the bottom of the hamper for months.

        • Anonymous

          At that point, I would just toss the silk blouses in the wash on delicate and see what happens. I didn’t notice a big difference when I started machine washing mine, but it probably depends on exactly how they’re woven.

    • Anonymous

      I avoid modal. It’s hot, smelly, see-through, and clingy, and it doesn’t hold up.

    • anon a mouse

      I will never ban polyester, because I think there are different fabrics with different qualities. The cheap polyester that feels like it will fall apart after one month? No. But I have heavy poly satin blouses that look like silk, and I baby them to prolong their life.

      I recently had to remind myself not to buy rayon. It feels so nice in the store and never feels that good again after washing, plus is prone to shrinkage.

    • Houda

      I try to only wear natural fabrics. I wash cashmere sweaters in the machine with special detergent on delicate. All my casual dresses are silk, my work dresses are made of wool. All shirts are silk and skirts are a wool knit.
      In summer I add cotton and linen but I have a high tolerance for wrinkles on my clothes.
      Pants are cotton and I sometimes introduce synthetics but didn’t buy a pair in over a year so will just wear out the ones I have.
      My go to brands are:
      Silk shirts and silk dresses: Sezane
      Cashmere sweaters: Sezane – Marks and Spencer – Eric Bompard if on sale
      Work skirts: Winser London
      Work dresses: Hugo Boss – theFold London
      T-shirts: Uniqlo and JCrew if on sale
      White shirts: Brooks Brothers
      Brands I have stopped buying but which were the basis of my wardrobe between 2010-2017:
      Ann Taylor – Loft – Tahari ASL – Calvin Klein

      • S

        This is perfect, thank you. If you’re still reading, check out Emerson Fry as well.

      • Anon

        Thank you. My wardrobe goal is essentially polished clothes in natural fibres. Sezane is new to me and wonderful (most of the brands I find who do natural fibers do unstructured tent-like things. Any recommendations for linen?

    • Anon

      I avoid cheap polyester, I hate the way it looks and feels. So while Loft might have cute things, I would never shop there, but I still might buy a MMLF item because it’s of a different quality. I try to buy mostly wool, cotton, and silk.

    • Anonymous

      I find synthetics other than nylon and rayon incredibly uncomfortable next to my skin. Even rayon is on the fence. But natural fabrics are so expensive and seem so delicate in comparison! They stain easy, wrinkle easy, wash poorly, and get threadbare. Moths eat them. I told myself I wouldn’t buy any more polyester or acrylic, but I haven’t actually bought any new natural fiber clothing either. I did quit beauty products made with vinyl and microplastics (goodbye, Banila Zero, etc.).

      I have all natural bedding (linen) that I love.

  19. Anon

    Has anyone had success using a career coach to find a “perfect role”? Where did you find one? How much did they charge?

    I sort of have a decent sense of the specific things I’m good at and enjoy but do not really know what job would work well with the skills

    • Pompom

      I am a career coach, but I work exclusively with a population from a specific academic program and its alumni. Check out your alumni career coaching options. They likely have some high-dollar assessments, resources, subscriptions to get you started, and if they don’t, they may have a list of coaches for you.

      Good luck! It’s all a balance in what is perfect, and when, and you’ll find something great by being thoughtful and strategic about it.

  20. Anonymous

    Does anyone have favorite burgundy, red, peach, or fuchsia silk, cotton, or other natural materials fit and flare flowy dresses for spring and summer? I am looking for something simple for a wedding.

    • Vicky Austin

      I got the Talbots spring catalog yesterday and there were loads of springy warm colors in it. Maybe check there?

    • S

      Check Etsy – lots of custom-order linen dresses that are very affordable, and some silk options as well.

  21. Part-time in Biglaw?

    Looking for thoughts on the elusive “part-time in biglaw” unicorn – has anyone done this, successfully or not? Would love to hear any specifics you’d be willing to share about your arrangement and how you initially pitched it to your firm. Thanks!

    • Anon

      The Best of Both Worlds podcast interviewed a part-time partner on episode 69.

    • anon

      Some at my former firm did full part-time (i.e., not just 80%) as staff attorneys. They each had health benefits through a spouse and worked an hourly rate for 20-25 hours/ week. Obviously that doesn’t work for every kind of practice.

    • NYCer

      I work in T&E and find that it can be done successfully. I think it is 100% dependent on the practice group you are in.

    • Cat

      We had a thread on this not long ago. The most common “don’t do it” advice is that you end up STILL not in control of your day-to-day schedule (if you’re on a hot deal or case, saying “peace out I’m part time and going home” is not going to happen), but taking a massive pay cut.
      If you’re in a field with very low risk of urgent, time consuming projects, YMMV.

      • Anon

        You can’t go into it expecting to never have to deal with urgent matters, or that at 5 pm every day you will say “peace out, I’m part time I’m going home.” But most firms have a ~2000 billable hour requirement and most attorneys are actively taking on more work than they would like to have in order to try to meet that hourly requirement. My firm allows you to drop down to 75%/1500 hours, and that has made a huge difference to my quality of life. I still have 70+ hour workweeks, but when I’m slow (and most attorneys go through slow periods), I don’t have to worry about billing at all, and can hang out with my family. I can turn down additional matters based on a MUCH lower “I have enough work” threshold. I am also officially home one day per week and don’t usually do much work that day other than monitoring email. Yes, it’s a paycut, but 75% of a Big Law salary is still a ridiculous amount of money, way more than enough to live on. If I exceed my target hours I get paid commensurately, so there’s no real risk to having a lower hours requirement (eg I will never work 100% and get paid 75% – if I work 100%, I get paid 100%) but I know not all firms do that. I’m a litigator.

    • Anon

      I was in a specialized transactional practice and it didn’t work well for me, but I’ve heard of it working well for others in transactional/regulatory practices. I think it depends on your clients and partners quite a bit and your goals.

      I wanted to work a bit less than 9-5 with very limited nights and weekends, and the ability to take real vacations and sick days when my kids got sick. I also wanted to continue to grow, but making partner wasn’t in my plans.

  22. azcpa

    I’m looking for a new winter coat. I’m in AZ, so my idea of “winter” is likely others’ fall coat. I tried a couple from Ann Taylor – while the styles were right (knee length, clean lines) the arms were far too tight. Any suggested brands to look at?

  23. Hole in the pocket

    How much do you generally spend on vacation overall (per person per trip/yearly)?

    SO and I are travel junkies and travel almost every month (weekends), and usually 2 week-long long-haul international trips a year. SO is just out of professional school ($$$ in student loans, and in a highly stressful job with long hours) and I’m in pseudo-BigLaw (80% of the base BigLaw salary without the bonus — thankfully no student loans) with relatively inflexible leave policies…so we usually end up travelling in peak long weekends/high season when flights/hotels are 2-3x their usual prices, tend to stay in nicer hotels/airbnbs ($100~200/night (longer trips) – $300~500/night (one-night weekend stay at hotelcation), we rationalize that we only have so many vacation days in a year and we are juuuuust soooooo veeeery tired from our jobs that we “deserve” stays at a nice hotel/meals at a nice restaurant), and dine out in not overly fancy but nice restaurants for $30-$50 pp including drinks (admittedy this is 3-4x/week even when we aren’t travelling, because yummy food and no time to cook).

    I didn’t really budget our spending while travelling (but think we usually spend $700 – $3,500 per person per trip) depending on flights/region/duration. It adds up, I think I alone spent around $10,000 last year overall (includes some solo long-haul travel).

    Would you consider this way over the top? Do you have advice on a change of mindset for this? Or is this just a phase (although it’s been going on since I started working in law)? Should we cut back on frequency (not that I haven’t tried)? I realize this no-kid, no-mortgage, pseudo-BigLaw phase of life is probably short-lived (I’m in my 5th year and the writing is on the wall for most people come years 8-9, if I last that long). People at my firm joke that I will never leave the law if I’m spending five figures in travel every year, even though many of my colleagues have the same approach re travel (nary a budget, throw money at problems). These comments have admittedly made me a bit anxious and I would greatly appreciate some perspective.

    For what it’s worth (aka my excuse), Travel (including quality sleep during travel), food and cabs are basically the only things we spend major money on (SO has a comp package covering his rent and healthcare and I live in a tiny apartment for less than 5% of my take-home pay and have banked at least half my paycheck into retirement/savings accounts for the past 5 years) and vacation is the only time we feel like we have a semblance of sanity… but it’s not an excuse for complete and utter financial irresponsibility, if that’s what this is verging on.

    I’m not sure if I’m looking for reassurance, perspective, or a kick in the rear /advice for reigning it in or relaxing, and I know this entire post may sound spoiled/privileged… but while I really enjoy travelling and it’s my one (or one of the three) luxury, I’m getting anxious that our spending is and will continue to be way over the top. (I’ve backpacked for months staying in hostels until my mid 20s, but just cannot do it anymore, and I feel like one more red eye flight in economy class will do me in.)

    • Anonymous

      We spend about 20K a year but that covers two international trips for our family of 5. Mostly airbnbs or other self catering accommodation and I’m religious about credit card points because flights are pricey from our small city so usually at least 2 flights a year are covered by points. HHI about 200K. We have no debt other than mortgage. Travel is our priority, that’s why our cars are 5 and 10 yrs old and we don’t spend much eating out/on high end clothes.

    • anon

      i think if you can afford it and you are still saving, then why not! pre kids, DH and I probably spent that much on travel. post-kids are expenses have gone up SO much, that we no longer can afford that, but we also do not have the time. if i was able to get away without the kids, i am also not sure i have the energy to do some of the types of trips i did before. i have no regrets on the amount we spent on travel and actually wish we’d taken one more big trip. i too like nice hotels. it sounds to me like you are already saving a lot. i’m so curious as to what city you live in where you can spend less than 5% of your take home pay on rent. I do think one approach you could take is to earmark some funds to a specific travel fund and try not to spend it all each year so that when you enter a different stage of life when you might have a mortgage, kids, etc. you still have funds for travel.
      it sounds like you don’t live with your SO – i don’t know what industry he is in where his company covers his rent, but at some point if you live together, you might save on certain things. While your SO’s finances are not necessarily your concern right now, if you do plan on getting married down the road, i would want my SO to be throwing some $ at those loans, so I hope your SO is not getting caught up in this world of luxury travel at the expense of that.

      • Anon

        As a fifth year in pseudo big law, if one assumes around 250 base in a medium to low cost of living city, that 5% is around a grand per month on rent. That is easily doable in most low to medium cost of living cities, especially for smaller square footage (you can get that in Houston, a large fairly expensive market, if you’re willing to live 20 min. from downtown in a nice but older complex – you can get a luxury one bedroom for 1400 here.)

      • Hole in the pocket

        Yes, this is more or less my situation. FYI, VHCOL city in Asia, SO is from the US and receives a standard expat package that covers housing (I have no idea how much he makes in salary, although market would indicate one around/slightly higher than mine). I’m local, so no housing coverage, 200K pre-tax — I live in the same studio apartment I’ve been living in for 7 years (First job out of school paid 20~30K, rent was 30% of take home pay at the time and was a luxury (for me). I mostly ate $2 meals at the subsidized work cafeteria).

        Thanks for the perspective on SO’s student loans — I’ve never had student loans (scholarships, work-study stipends, summer work) so I don’t have personal experience with how it affects lifestyle/financial goals.

        FWIW, SO is actually pretty frugal when travelling, and happy (or so he says) to stay in cheaper places; nice accommodations are more my thing than his (although SO absolutely enjoys staying in nice places). I should also note that the $3000+ trips are mostly my solo trips (I may have fudged a little in my initial post in saying “we”), and SO is more the one keeping me in check when we travel together…

        All this could be why I feel a bit anxious/guilty? over whether I am spending (and/or influencing my SO to spend) too much on travel.

        We’re not in a stage where we are talking marriage/finances at a specific level (beyond the general “if we settle down (in a few years)”, or “I don’t want to go too crazy for this 10-day trip because I still have my student loans, let’s find some cheaper airbnbs to balance out hotel costs” conversation) and we pretty much split dating/travel costs 50-50. I’ll be mindful and try not to “bankrupt him before we’re married (if we decide to go that route)”. :)

      • Hole in the pocket

        + Also, specific fund for travel sounds like a brilliant idea ! I was terrified to hear kid expense stories of friends and was pretty glum at the prospect of never having money/time to do anything I want if I have kids, but reading your comments has made me realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

    • anon

      I mean, it’s all so relative. This is clearly something you both enjoy and it sounds like you can afford it, or you at least make your lifestyle work so you can. If it isn’t hurting your other financial goals, then don’t worry about it! Everyone has different priorities.

    • Anon

      I think it depends on your priorities. But for you, if you are really only spending $10k a year, don’t have any debt, and are still saving half your take home, it doesn’t necessarily worry me. (Although I do wonder if you are drastically under-estimating the amount you spend in a year, cause 10k doesn’t seem like nearly enough to pay for 2 international trip and 10/12? weekend trips at the level you described). I would consider whether you have other priorities that you want to save for and if cutting out some of those trips would help reach it – do you want to buy a home? build up retirement savings at this stage of your life when your other expenses are low? save for future kid expenses?

      On the other hand, I think your SO is being irresponsible since he still has substantial student loans. I’ve seen way too many people waste their big salaries on things like fancy restaurants and travel to not think that he may regret it in a few years when he wants to take a more life-style job but can’t because he still has student loans.

    • DCR

      I would take a better look at what all these trips are costing you. If it is only $10k, that seems reasonable for you. But I would be really surprised if that is all that you are spending given the types of trips you describe. Airfare, hotels, restaurants, and entertainment add up fast, but it is easy to mentally discount because they are small expenses spread out over time. If it was actually $20k or 30k or 40k, would you feel differently about it??? Maybe your answer is no, but it is something to consider.

    • Anon for this

      We have kids and still do at least 1 long haul international trip per year and also several other smaller trips. I only have the vaguest idea what we spend on travel but I’d say it’s at least double what you spend, which makes sense because there are more of us.

      You do you.

      We max out our retirement savings. We have a reasonable mortgage. We have a small bit of student loan debt (much lower than where we started) but otherwise no debt. I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to be doing with my money. Saving more? Sadly, life can be much shorter than you expect so enjoy the good times with your love one(s) while you can. I’d rather have the experiences now and have to economize later – if it comes to that.

      My one caveat to this is that we could liquidate our current assets and live frugally on the 4% withdrawal rate if emergency struck. I’d actually be ok doing that now. DH does not feel the same. My job isn’t bad so we just keep going. But I feel like my doomsday scenario is covered so I’d rather enjoy travel with my parents while they are still able and travel with my children while they are still willing.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        “Sadly, life can be much shorter than you expect so enjoy the good times with your love one(s) while you can.”
        This. I have convinced DH we should spend more time/money on travel because “we can save everything, retire early, and then travel” (which was his philosophy) only works if you’re in good health and make it to early retirement, and there are no guarantees on that one. At this point in my life, time off work is harder to come by than money, so when we can get it, we go somewhere. What we spent varies wildly depending on the trip/year, anywhere from 2k to 15k (that was a honeymoon and I probably won’t spend that much again any time soon). I also have a lot of airline miles from work travel and usually accumulate enough every 1 or 2 years for an international flight for us both, which helps tremendously with costs.

      • Traveling Lawyer

        I recently did a fairly well known budgeting seminar, during which I had to take a look at how much I was spending in certain areas of life, and create a budget. I think we (family of 3) spend 15K per year on travel (this is the first year we are tracking it from the beginning), but that number doesn’t include the food while on on those trips. Yes, it’s a high number. But, like you, traveling is what keeps me sane at work. And we can afford it. Everyone has their own priorities about where to spend their money. Some travel. Some shop and buy fancy clothes. Some buy fancy cars/houses. If you can afford it, then there is nothing wrong with spending money on experiences that make you happy.

    • Travel bug

      We’re similar – also DINKs in high paying but stressful jobs with limited vacation days. We prob spend $10-15k on vacations each year as well. The way I look at it, I want to travel when I have both the means and physical ability to. It’s gonna be so much harder when you have kids and I don’t want to wait until retirement to travel the world. To me, every penny has been worth it. As long as you’re still saving a decent chunk of your income, it’s totally fine to prioritize travel over other discretionary expenses.

    • BabyAssociate

      Like others have said, it’s all relative and I probably spend about the same. The only thing I question is how much you’re paying for flights. I travel internationally 6-8 times a year and always over holidays/long weekends and prices should definitely not be 2-3x (assuming you’re coming from a major city). I haven’t spent more than $550 round trip to get to Europe over a holiday, you just need to plan ahead and look for good deals.

    • Anonymous

      Get where you’re coming from because I am one of those people that will spend $1500-2500 on 1-3 nights in NYC by myself mostly because I MUST stay in a nice hotel. That being said, I’m not wild about travel so a heavy travel year for me is 2 such trips in a year; 3 would be a REALLY heavy travel year. I too am in law and all about saving 50% of my net on top of the 19k in the 401k etc. If you enjoy travel and your budget can clearly afford it, keep at it. BUT have you given thought to what happens post biglaw? It doesn’t sound like you’re staying forever. I’m sure you realize that the drop in salaries can be significant. I’m sure you also realize that it takes about 2 minutes to get spoiled by luxury. So now that you’ve luxury traveled so much, what happens in 2 years if you’re making 130k and find yourself flying coach or staying at the Marriott? Will you really be ok with that? Will you travel less but have fewer trips that are still fancy? Or will you just start saving less so you can continue to travel the way you want? I mention this because I have a friend who went from biglaw to a non profit. Sounds very much like you — she wasn’t about fancy things in daily life but travel is where she spent her money because she “deserved” it for working so hard. Well fast forward 8 years and she now makes around 100k and is still staying at hotels costing $700/night — because she still DESERVES it. Except now she’s dipping into her biglaw nest egg to do it, and I’m not sure that’s the greatest use of a nest egg when you know you won’t be making that type of money again.

      • Anon

        OP already said she’s living drastically below her means and banking 50% of her salary. Even if she leaves big law within a few years, saving like that she’ll have easily half a million dollars in savings, not even counting retirement savings. There is a point at which you might as well spend your money. Especially since “leaving big law” for lots of attorneys means a pay cut that is still in the six figures or close to it. OP you’re doing fine, just keep your everyday life manageable cost wise and enjoy this time. Golden handcuffs are not nearly as tight on travel costs as they are on fixed lifestyle costs. You’ll scale back naturally as you buy a home and have kids so don’t worry about it.

      • Hole in the pocket

        Thanks, I appreciate the cautionary tales and I know the threat of golden handcuffs are very real. I realize most of this feeling that I “deserve” nice food / vacations is probably stemming out of frustration/exhaustion from work. I don’t buy a lot of stuff (and anyway I have no space to put them in) and could live very comfortably on $50k/year for everything except travel (including rent at current apartment, cleaning service, dining out, personal trainers, clothes, cabs, grocery deliveries, etc.) without too much thought. I strongly suspect this will not be the case when/if I go the public interest route after BigLaw, or we decide to add kids into the mix (childcare runs >$40k/year in my area), and am making a half-assed effort at trying to save specifically for that (but have more success at building general life slush funds). Right now I’m mostly just enjoying the few years before I have/want to think about getting to that point in life, though, while bearing in mind that I also want to be able to retire at some point.

    • BigLaw Anon

      So this really depends on your work situations and personal preferences, but one way you might be able to change your costs is change the way you plan your travels. I’m also in BigLaw, and I’ve always avoided taking flights on holiday weekends, or taking long weekends in general. It doesn’t really work well with my job because no one respects a long weekend, anyway; and I find that I’m WAY more rested after a vacation if I’m REALLY gone. I get four weeks of vacation a year: I take one big 2.5 week vacation every year, one one-week vacation, and the other 2-3 days are tacked on to weekend trips that are obligations (family stuff; weddings). When I travel, I go to places that are super far away (Malaysia, Nepal, Bali, Zanzibar, Brazil) and cheap when you get there, so I can stay in nice places and not spend that much (my hotel near Ubud was $35/night). I use miles for the flights, so I’m only paying for hotels (if you’re DINKS and working in BigLaw, I’m sure you spend enough to book at least one long-haul round-trip a year using miles). For long weekends that I have off from work, if I’m not working the whole weekend (which often happens, yay), I plan nearby weekend getaways that don’t involve flights. I spend a LOT less than $10K a year on travel (my total cost for 2 weeks in Nepal was under $1K), I get to go to amazing places, and I don’t ever have that feeling of being on vacation but not really being on vacation. This works in part because my firm actually prefers that we use our vacation time in large, pre-planned blocks, with plenty of lead time to get coverage for every case from other associates. That’s so much less disruptive than an associate who is randomly gone 10 Thursday/Fridays a year. Your firm might be different; you might have personal reasons for wanting to take all these separate trips; etc., but thought I’d share what works for me.

      • Hole in the pocket

        Thanks for sharing! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do this. Currently SO and I can’t get more than 5 working days off at a time (and get a lot of eyerolling for even that), and I’m that associate gone 10 Thursdays/Fridays a year because my transactional area of practice can’t really plan ahead for vacations (I just always take my laptop) and it’s easier for the team if I’m gone for short stretches when more clients are likely to be away from work too (also SO has fairly limited amount of PTO). It also means I’m more likely to be stuck covering more of other associates’work if I don’t get out of the country on long weekends (in Asia, and everyone apparently has the same thought process re staying in the country so flights get expensive in peak times) — I worked through every long weekend/major holiday for years before I figured this out, and also figured I’ve done my share (now I just do my own work on my laptop from whatever beach/swimming pool I’m sitting by). I do travel a lot to cheaper-when-we-are-there destinations in asia so it does help somewhat.

        So for now I’ll content myself that at least I’m taking my PTO, but will definitely keep your experience in mind when I’m in a position where I can apply the same principles!

    • Cat

      I’d be SHOCKED if your actual travel spending was only $10K/year based on the travel you describe. (Or is $10,000 your “half” and you’re estimating $20K total?) You’re at $6,000 alone based on one $500 hotel stay per month… I mean, $20K per year isn’t per se outrageous, but given the loan situation I’d personally revisit. Your mental health might improve VASTLY if you kill off the loans (so reduce the traveling to, say, one big trip and a few weekends per year) and THEN resume traveling more.

      The minute I transferred my last “pay it off” installment to Citibank, I was GLEEFUL with my “free agent” status — no longer beholden to BigLaw to ensure I could get rid of my six-figure loans. No amount of “we need a getaway” luxury hotel stays would get me anywhere near that feeling of satisfaction!

      • Hole in the pocket

        Your point is a very good one — I revisited and found it’s more like $15k/year (for just me).

        I’ve never had student loans, and don’t know exactly how much SO has in his loans (except that it’s probably $$$). We haven’t really talked specifically about personal finances (we’ve always just split things down the middle), and his loans are not exactly my concern now and I trust him to be able to take care of his own finances… but I am thinking maybe we should take SO’s financial goals into consideration to the extent that they play into what we decide to do for travel.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t seem like a lot to me, but we live pretty frugally and throw most of our disposable income at travel. We do one or two international trips per year that are 10k+ each for the two of us. Then we spend at least another 5-10k attending weddings and visiting family. I’m sure there are some years when our total travel spending exceeds $30,000. DINKS.

    • Hole in the pocket

      Thanks everyone, this is all super helpful and I really appreciate all your comments.

      The actual amount of spending is a very good point — I took a second look at my budgeting app and apparently some travel expenses had been automatically categorized as general transportation/food/living expenses — the figure was indeed closer to $15k (for me alone). Yeesh!

      I might actually be the one driving up SO’s spending on the travel front (for reasons mentioned in a different comment above), so I feel a bit guilty, even though we split date/travel expenses roughly 50-50 — hence this post. I may have subconsciously fudged a bit in when I said “we” spend X amount. I think he is keeping his student loans in mind, and tries occasionally to rein me in if I get too excited about a certain fancy hotel/destination (I’m certainly more spendy when I travel by myself/with friends than when I travel with SO). Thanks especially for all the perspective on this, I only realized how big a constraint this is/should be after going through the various “don’t-go-to-law-school / how to deal with student loans” threads on here (I’m in Asia, and student loans — while some of my friends have taken them out — are nothing like the US and generally a non-issue once you start working a somewhat stable job paying above minimum wage). I’m trying be more mindful and do some standing in SO’s shoes (and not bankrupt him) for when we next plan things together.

      I had early retirement in mind during the most miserable phases of pseudo-BigLaw, and spent a couple of years living on <$20k/year, but found that it makes for a very miserable/depressed lawyer working consecutive 80+ hour weeks. Some close family/friends also had health scares which changed their perspective on saving/spending/retirement plans. I now spend $60-70k/year (so no longer in early retirement territory), but was wondering if my travel spending was wading into the zone of all-out c r a z y like my colleagues would have me believe. Coming out of the early retirement mindset, I feel I don't always have a good sense of "reasonable" spending and can go overboard (without feeling like I'm doing it), or be spendthrift (and still feel like I'm going overboard).

      I've been generally socking my salary away without specific goals in mind, and the early years of frugality have indeed allowed me to build up some net worth, but perhaps it's time to go less blindly (and less anxiously) into the future and prioritize. Thank you!

    • A

      We spend $20-25k per year but that’s a family of four and includes ski lessons etc which are pricey.

  24. Anon

    Top wedding dress designers? I’m going to have to travel for dress shopping so I want to somewhat figure out what designers to look for but the internet is like a sea of white dresses (or just the designers on the Say Yes to the Dress show). I want lace if that matters.

    • JS

      I actually wouldn’t get your heart set on one designer. Boutiques typically carry quite a few designers, so if you’re traveling you shouldn’t box yourself in too much. Any idea on budget or silhouette? I’ve done a lot of dress searching and kind of love hunting for them, so could let you know what I’ve come across with a few more details.

      I do have some general recommendations from my search:

      Grace Loves Lace has super dreamy lace designs. https://graceloveslace.com.au/product-category/wedding-dresses
      Lovely Bride carries lots of designers who have mostly lace dresses and they have locations across the US. https://lovelybride.com/
      I also loved The Knot dress finder for this stage – you can sort by fabric, cut, price etc. across brands. https://www.theknot.com/fashion/floor-length-wedding-dresses?fabric-type=lace

    • anon

      depends on your budget. Pronovias tends to have a lot of dresses with lace. I would suggest before you travel, go to a local boutique and at least see what silhouette you like because that will help you a lot in narrowing down designers/dresses. also, try on at least one lace dress bc you might think you like lace, but then not actually like how it looks on.

      • Anon

        Definitely the plan as far as trying on different silhouettes. But there are no local boutiques so I have to travel.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I don’t know what counts as “top designers,” but mine was by Amy Kuschel and I loved it. She has some lace options. Made in San Francisco.

    • Anon

      It really depends on your budget and style . It might be a good idea to start browsing pinterest and see who is making the dresses you like, and then figure out your price point. I think around an average $2000 budget you’ll find brands like Maggie Sottero, Allure, Casablanca. Then you need to figure out which boutiques carry those brands, everyone one will have a different mix. Tracking down specific dresses is a challenge. I remember liking a lot of Watters and WToo dresses that I had seen online, but the boutiques all weirdly carried only hideous styles that I didn’t like.

    • Anon

      Pronovias!! I wanted lace too and that was the line that appealed to me the most and is what I ended up getting. I got my dress on sale (never worn) for around $1000 but I think the average price point is more like $2k. It varies a lot from boutique to boutique – higher end places like Kleinfeld definitely charge more for the same dress.

  25. babybiglaw

    It’s me again. Any recommendations for a psychologist that specializes in CBT in the D.C. area? Cost/insurance is not a huge factor. TIA!

    • Anon

      I have a friend who works at the Capital Institute for Cognative Therapy, which is a 14 doctor practice that specializes in CBT, that’s right at Dupont Circle. I haven’t used them though.

  26. Irena Kramer

    This is a great shirt, I already own it, I just want to warn everyone that it runs VERY small, about a dress size or 2. Please size up.

  27. Kathleen

    I have this top and it is EVERYTHING. Totally as good as advertised. I’ve gotten some scary stainers on it (ethiopian food, frying oil), and it washes up 99.9% as good as new. Does wrinkle a bit.

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