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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I will never say no to a bold blazer, and this one from Nic + Zoe is particularly delightful. I like the tweed look and fringed cuffs, and the cut would pair nicely with dresses or trousers.
I would wear this for a day full of Zoom calls because my current office setup has me situated in front of a plain white wall, and it’s kind of a bummer if I’m not wearing something bright.
The blazer is $198 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes 1X–3X. (If you prefer something more subdued, it's available in black and white at Neiman Marcus.) Bloomingdale's and Amazon have the blazer in petite and straight sizes.
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cc
I have been waking up with severe lower back pain. It gets better once I am up and about – but sometimes I am waking up at 3am and can’t get any relief or go back to bed . I’m 36 , overweight but up until the birth of my daughter last year had been in good health. This year it feels like my body is breaking down. Any advice on home remedies or who to see for this ? My primary care has been a disappointment lately
Anon
Try a pillow between your knees overnight. This has more to do with age than weight or childbirth, I suspect. Very common for back pain to increase in your mid-late 30s.
Anon
Pilates. I also get back pain (and migraines) from sleeping/lying down. For me, it’s because of muscle weakness caused by a broken shoulder 10 years ago that results in an uneven pelvis and therefore a crooked spine. Pilates has been life changing.
Anonymous
Are your hamstrings tight? The number one cause of my lower back pain is tight hamstrings, which resolve once I walk around a bit.
Anon
Pregnancy affects your pelvic floor and core. Most women will end up with some degree of diastasis recti, which can contribute to back pain. It may be worth going to a pelvic floor PT to get evaluated. Despite the name they can help with all sorts of postpartum issues. I found it to be very helpful. Otherwise, it may be worth going to a regular PT. There are also all sorts of exercises you can do at home if for some reason PT is not for you.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Find a good PT! Good means someone who targets your specific needs and doesn’t just give every one the same generic exercises to do. It should totally resolve the issue.
Savannah
How old is your mattress? This happens to us when a mattress is too soft or worn out.
Hypatia
Other posters have mentioned issues related to pregnancy which I can’t speak to, but I did once have a severe lower back injury (2 herniated discs) and feel your pain. I think you should see a physical therapist who can evaluate the problem and recommend exercises (or make an onward referral). Probably it is obvious that the reason you are waking up with pain is prolonged situation in a single position (stress on certain spots) and lack of overall movement (and you note that once you’re up and moving, it tends to get better). I would consider a couple things you can do to mitigate the problem of sleep exacerbating your pain: PT for lower back during the day AND before bedtime, evaluating your sleeping position to reduce stress on the lower back (can you try with a pillow between your knees if you’re a side sleeper, under your knees if you’re a back sleeper, sleeping with your back slightly propped and elevated). Make sure you’re taking care of yourself like you would for other inflammation – tea, water, vitamins and minerals – give your body the resources it needs in the healing process. Aleve or other NSAIDs helped me more than tylenol/paracetemol.
Curious
Agree with the PT suggestions, and at home, I really recommend the exercises from Our Fit Family Life. Lots of breathing to retrain the body to hold tension places other than your belly and pelvic floor. It’s floor exercises for a short time daily, so I could actually manage them.
Colleen
Agree on PT (and/or Pilates). Also, my husband gets this on the days he sits in his desk chair for too long (biglaw) and doesn’t get any exercise – meaning not even a short walk. Just a little bit of movement avoids the issue. I think it’s spasming of his back muscles because they’re too cramped / compressed from all the sitting and lack of counteractivity.
Anonymous
This resonates – I have been sick with a stomach bug and not moving much
Anonymous
restorative yoga helps me with this – some of the stretches make you realize it’s tight hamstrings that are connected to your lower back.
Anon
When did you last flip your mattress? I know it’s time when my back starts to hurt. I also had the chair issue, so thinking about where you’re sitting and also how you’re sitting could help.
Anon
I agree with PT, but please see a doctor first. Ideally you’d have some kind of scan to make sure you don’t have a disc issue before you let someone bend you this way and that.
Anon
I had back pain after having kids. It took a long time for my core to strengthen again. I recommend weightlifting. It’s been amazing how fast my pain has resolved when I focus on core strength.
Fullyfunctional
I’m 53 and had sudden low back pain, especially upon waking, last month. My doc said it’s probably disk wear and tear but I’ve completely resolved it by working on core and glute strength. No yoga, that made it worse.
Stumped
My grandparents passed away a few years ago and left their home to my dad. He originally planned to keep it and use it for rental income but with the booming home sales earlier this year, he decided to sell it. He also decided to give the proceeds of the sale to my siblings and me, which we had no idea he planned to do. I am so overwhelmed and touched by this generous gift.
I would like to give him a really thoughtful gift and would love your ideas. I have written heartfelt letters over the years, so I would like an idea for another type of gift or keepsake that honors his gift. It does not need to be expensive (and I know my dad would be upset if it was because he will feel like we are “wasting” the money on him) but just something that honors his generosity. My siblings and I would be happy to do a group gift but they are stumped too. Also, I am not planning to use the money any time soon, so “Dad, here’s a photo of the house you helped me buy” is out.
KS IT Chick
First, did your dad grow up in the home? Was there sentimental attachment to it in some way?
If so … Is there a photo of the house that could be turned into a pen and ink drawing?
anon
Have you thought of getting a watercolor done of your grandparents’ house?
Vicky Austin
+1 – there are loads of people on Etsy who will do this.
Anon
yea i was thinking the same thing
Anon
Love this and the ink drawing idea.
anon
+ 1 My dad would LOVE this. (He gets very sentimental about houses.)
Anonymous
I had a painting made out of an old photo of my grandparents standing in front of their home and gave it to my dad for Christmas a couple of years ago. There are a million artists on here who do that kind of thing so you can find a style you like: https://www.instapainting.com
Anon
Would he appreciate a donation to a favorite charity in his honor?
Anon
How about something related to the family tree, such as genealogy research or a personalized framed tree?
gifts are hard
A family trip, with all the kids and your parents, that you guys organize and pay for? To some place that would be meaningful to him/your family?
I’m from a family that never does these sorts of things, so it would be a huge deal. I am always startled how many people on this website have such close families/extended families and do things like this.
Stumped OP
Thanks to everyone for these ideas!
Anonymous
I am constantly losing my work badge, which is the size and shape of a credit card. I am looking for a small, credit card sized thing that will hold the badge and an apple AirTag. I can find tons of credit card sized AirTag holders, and several wallets with room for multiple cards, but nothing slim. Any suggestions for this item?
Ribena
Do you have to have your work ID on a lanyard? If so I’d get one of the Belkin AirTag cases that comes with a loop of cord and just tie it onto the lanyard
Vicky Austin
Kate Spade had a cute badge holder that I was looking at for a while back when I worked in a hospital. Let me see if they still have it.
Vicky Austin
https://www.katespade.com/products/morgan-lanyard/KA471.html?frp=KA471%20BLK&fromSearch=lanyard
Badge op
Thanks! I have tried multiple lanyards and still lose the dang things. I have scar tissue on my neck so am constantly taking the lanyard off and then… boom. Lost :)
I also have tried the retractable clips, and a bracelet type holder. I can’t bring my cell phone into most areas of my facility so a cell phone holder won’t work. I have some luck with slipping the badge into my pocket, but on days I don’t have pockets, it’s brutal. Thinking my best option is to slap an AirTag on the thing and keep carrying it around. I could put an AirTag on the lanyard but id rather be able to stuff it in my pocket if possible!
s in chicago
You may find a smalll crossbody design best then. I use a very small travel wallet (zip around style) with a strap from Tumi that carries the card and my credit cards. It’s super old, so not seeing on their site. But perhaps some of the phone carriers on straps like this might work as well.
https://www.bandolierstyle.com/collections/all/products/julian-pebble-leather-crossbody-bandolier-black-gold?ranMID=43634&ranEAID=TnL5HPStwNw&ranSiteID=TnL5HPStwNw-gFAnwSVPOvON2Yz03cCSmg
Vicky Austin
Oh, my goodness, is it tasteless to say what a pain in the neck?? I’m so sorry! I do feel you on the pockets though. I once was having a friendly argument with our IT guy at the hospital because I was constantly forgetting my badge, and he said, “Just put it on your pants every day!” I indignantly retorted, “Some of us don’t wear pants to work!” (I meant of course that sometimes I wore dresses, but we both cracked up laughing.)
NYNY
I have to wear my ID badge, and hate the feeling of lanyards, so I have a retractable clip case for it. My greatest trick is keeping a stash of safety pins around in my office and purse. If what I’m wearing doesn’t easily accommodate the clip, I secure the safety pin on my shoulder using my bra strap as an anchor, and then clip onto the safety pin instead of my clothing.
Anon
Do you need to pull the badge out regularly? If not, tuck it into your bra. If you use like I use mine, multiple times per day to operate the elevator, open the elevator lobby doors, etc., then that won’t work. If it’s more that you just use it at the beginning and end of day, the bra might work.
Lots to Learn
Another vote for the retractable clip. I just clip onto a belt loop or the top of my pants or a dress pocket and never have a problem.
Anon
Are you looking for a lanyard? If so coach makes really nice ones that are not too pricey. You can find them on eBay as well.
pugsnbourbon
Do you have a security department? They may have plastic badge holders. I don’t know how thick an AirTag is (dime? slice of bread?) but some have enough give to slide something else in there.
Something like this might work, and it’s bright enough you’ll be able to find it in the bottom of your bag: https://www.rei.com/product/199846/chums-duckie-wallet
Anonymous
How about if you add one of those little sticky credit card wallets to the back of your phone case and keep it in there? No need for an airtag, it’s always with your phone.
Anon
Could you use a Tile sticker? Or a wrist coil keychain?
First Year Associate
Since the hive has recommendations for almost anything: I am looking for a cordless diffuser for essential oils. Anyone know of a good one?
Practical Advice Please
Need advice/logistics help. WWYD in this situation?
We’ve managed to avoid Covid up until now, but husband tested positive last night. He’d been gone for the five days preceding it and I was working in another room when he got home midday so am not too concerned about exposure for myself, but have begun testing. Our kids are home for the holiday and spent some time with him last night making dinner before he started feeling punky and tested himself. He’s now confined to the the primary suite and we plan to drop meals outside his room; anyone who goes in briefly will be masked. We will all test.
All bedrooms are upstairs; I’ll sleep on couch on main floor.
Main question: What else should we do to avoid anyone else getting it? Of course will test daily. Should we run fans? We are in midwest and it’s pretty cold so opening windows not really practical.
Appreciate any practical wisdom from those who been there – been in same house with a positive and managed not to get it, very welcome.
Anon
We managed not to get it when my husband had it, although we had a basement for him to quarantine in and it was summer so we turned off the AC and opened windows (it got uncomfortably warm on the second floor, but else thought it was safer to not have the recirculating air).
Anon
I have no magic, but when kid 1 got it, kid 1 isolated to her room and was on 24/7 screen time and had a blast. No one else got it. Felt obviously sick and tested + within hours of waking up. No one else got it.
When kid2 got it, we didn’t associate her symptoms with COVID until 3 days later (assumed it was post-surgical infection with high fever) and it took time, but spouse got it on day 5 and I got it on day 8 (all different symptoms pre + test). Kid1 did not get it even though it was >90 days from her COVID bout.
So by isolating him early, I think you’ve given yourself the best shot. We didn’t do separate floors and kids ate in the kitchen solo and then went back to their room, so it was being around sick kid 2 closely for days watching the fever cuddling that likely did us in. Spouse went to guest room only after testing +.
Josie P
+1. Spouse and I both had it last month but the kids didn’t get it. We were in the playroom (separate HVAC) and our bedroom, otherwise we had N95s on in the house. I also drove the kids around that week with everyone wearing N95s and open windows in the car.
Anon
DH somehow managed to avoid getting it from me, my toddler, and his parents (who had stayed with us before they exhibited symptoms). Things we did:
1) sleeping in separate rooms
2) DH wearing N95 at all times
3) eating separately (him in the kitchen, us in the dining room)
4) he got the most recent booster in Sept when it came out
5) DH doesn’t wfh, I do
FWIW we didn’t sequester myself or son to a room, and I did not mask, as it was easier for my husband to mask up than myself (I was very very pregnant at the time, and toddlers can’t mask…) I showed symptoms 2 days before testing positive and he didn’t wear a mask until I tested positive.
I would not turn on fans, as that would help circulate the air droplets. But if you already have a HEPA air filter, keep those running.
Good luck; it can be done!
Anon
We did this twice and both times, only the family member who initially was sick had it and did not spread. When my husband had it, he stayed in the master and we left meals at the door. I did have to go in a couple of times but he sprayed Lysol before I entered and I was quick. When my younger son had it, we tried to isolate him as much as we could and my husband and other son stayed out of the house as much as they could. We didn’t really open windows or anything but we did use a lot of Lysol. Good luck!!
Anon
My COVID experience was almost exactly the same, down to getting it on a trip and figuring it out when I got home before I’d been around the family too much, then isolated. No one else got it (that time). We did basically exactly what you describe, nothing extra beyond that.
Sorry this is happening right before the holidays, ugh!
anon
It’s a germ. You avoid it the same way you avoid other germs. Remember being sick before Covid and you’d try to avoid giving it to others? Do that
Anon
Even before Covid, hygiene depended on what bug you were dealing with. Norovirus for example is mostly transmitted through touch/surfaces, so you bleach and wash everything constantly, whereas for something like flu that’s airborne it’s more important to isolate the infected person and not share the same air. Covid is transmitted through the air even more easily than flu and colds.
Anonymous
I would try to add air purification and/or ventilation if you can – you can DIY a purifier with a box fan and HVAC air filters.
Anon
We just went through this. My husband was gone for a Monday/Tuesday trip, home Tuesday night, started feeling a bit punk on Wednesday evening and then tested positive Thursday morning. Immediately quarantined in basement guest suite. I would bring him food/fluids, masked in a KN-95. Our daughter (2 yo) did not go down there.
Once he was past his 5 day initial quarantine, he would come up and visit us while masked. He always went back downstairs or outside to remove his ask (including for eating and drinking). We did this until he had two negatives 48-hours apart, with the additional caveat that he took Paxlovid b/c high risk (the right call) but it caused a rebound (he’d gotten two negatives but we kept up with the protocol, masking and basement, until we were through the rebound risk period and sure enough, he rebounded – so we’re glad we kept it up!). In total it took 20 days for things to return to normal.
We were extra cautious b/c I’m pregnant and we also have no local family to help if I’d gotten sick too and our nanny couldn’t have come. Neither of us ever got it.
I wore a mask when our nanny was here until my 10 day testing period was up. Our daughter did not. Nanny was fine with that.
Anonymous
I bought an air purifier when my husband got it and ran it 24/7 in the room he was confined to. I didn’t get it. He had also been gone for a week before he got it, so I was never really exposed to start with.
Anon
You can fight the fight or give up. When our household got it, we didn’t bother any of those things, seemed like a fool’s errand to try, especially when we’re all going to get it eventually anyway. Turns out even if you sleep next to someone with Covid, there’s no guarantee you’ll get it too. I didn’t, and my daughter didn’t when my husband and son had it. We all eventually had it but not at the same time. The TL/DR, I still wouldn’t bother trying.
Anonymous
this was our approach – if i hadn’t been testing daily for like 10 days after my husband’s last positive i never would have caught that i had it too because i was totally asymptomatic (last May). once the kids have it i feel like it’s inevitable for us, but for the husband you might be able to quarantine him or make him wear masks elsewhere in the house.
you can also build a corsi-rosenthal box or buy a good air filter…
Senior Attorney
I kind of agree with this. When I had it, we didn’t touch or share dishes, but other than that we made no particular attempt to isolate and Hubby didn’t get it. Same when he had it — I didn’t get it. Our doctor agreed that trying to isolate once somebody has tested positive, when you’ve been living together the whole time, is largely a fool’s errand.
Anonymous
I’d push back on the it doesn’t matter since “we’re all going to get it eventually.” We all most likely will. But every infection increases risk of developing vascular issues and longer term damage. Trying to reduce the number of times infected with an illness that is creating so many chronic health changes in people isn’t a fool’s errand at all, especially with children in the picture who have a lot more of their life to live with repeated infections. We’ve all been exposed to lead paint at some point, and felt fine. But it doesn’t mean I’d want my kid to have more exposure than necessary if I could reduce it.
Anon
This is how I think about it too. Fewer infections is better. Also my kids and I didn’t get it when DH had it so I don’t think it’s fruitless to try to isolate.
Anon
The spike in hospitalizations for flu, COVID, and RSV this year – the so-called tripledemic – seem to be evidence of prior COVID infection making people more susceptible to high severity subsequent illnesses. Many scientists are scramling to study it now.
Anon
Agreed, I’d avoid it if I can and also protect my little ones.
COVID
You’re doing well to isolate your husband. No fans. Open windows if you can (I realize it isn’t practical now). Agree with running the air cleaners (I’d place one in his room or right outside his door!). No eating around your husband like you are. Get N95 masks, and if anyone needs to go near your husband, everyone wears the N95s (sick husband and healthy family members). When you KNOW someone has COVID, you really need the good masks.
Also, good hand washing. We keep hand sanitizer everywhere so it is easy to use. If anyone ever sneezes/coughs, remind them to wash their hands immediately after.
Doctors/hospital workers are around COVID+ folks all the time and don’t get it, and they wear the N95s. Just make sure you wear it properly – there are videos/directions online on how to wear them.
Z
I had it in September and my SO did not get it.
Slept in the same bed with my SO the night before I tested positive, I was definitely feverish that night. I woke up with a terrible headache and tested positive. After he woke up and came downstairs, I was already masked and told him. I isolated in our room and he slept in the guest room and stayed downstairs. We both wore KN95 masks when he brought me food or if I had to come downstairs for some reason. We still stayed in separate rooms until day 10 (I was still testing positive until day 13 but was all better by 6-7) but we felt we could hang out masked. He took a test every couple of days and never tested positive or had any symptoms.
Anonyous
Here’s what we did:
* Infected person stays in own room/en suite bath until testing negative two days in a row
* Rolled up towel across bottom of door to block air coming out of room
* HEPA filter running in isolation room 24/7
* Leave food outside door on plastic dishes
* Text when you are away from door, person dons N95 to open door and quickly pick up food
* Give person a bunch of big garbage bags in which to place used dishes and worn clothes
BeenThatGuy
I love a bold blazer but this one looks like she got caught in a prickly bush.
Anonymous
Rude. Some of us like a prickly bush.
Saguaro
Yes, some of us do!
Definitely Anon
Sorry for the TMI… I was talking to my husband and he said he normally poops once a day whereas I normally go once a week (MAYBE twice). I don’t feel uncomfortable or constipated though. Google says women go less than men but everyone is different. Trying to decide if this warrants a doctors appointment if drinking more water and increasing fiber don’t work.
Anon
The rule I’ve heard is that it’s normal to go anywhere from three times a day to three times a week, but I think there’s some variability beyond that. My husband goes more than three times a day (he eats a ton of fruit and veg) and his doctor said it’s fine. You’re probably ok if you’re not straining to go or clogging toilets when you do go. I wouldn’t make an appointment just about this. You can discuss it at your next physical.
Vicky Austin
I would think not if you don’t feel uncomfortable/constipated or notice any other issues (like does it hurt to go, do you have false alarms, that kind of thing). This has changed somewhat for me since getting pregnant, but I’m used to going every other day or so.
Anon
I thought bowel movements were a daily occurrence (give or take a day if you downed a lot of junk one day) for people.
It can’t hurt to add more fiber and start drinking more water every day.
This may be something you find helpful: I find that grains do not help me- even oats aren’t the fibrous cure all for me that they are for most people. Less refined sugar, more fresh or cooked veggies and fruit works keeps everything moving. YMMV.
Anonymous
Once a week is really on the far end of normal at best. I would start by increasing fiber and water and I’d book a doctors appointment now because for me I’m probably waiting a month or two for a non urgent appointment and you can always cancel if you don’t need it.
Anom
You probably need to increase fiber just bc you’re an American and our diets don’t have enough fiber. Search for the Bristol stool chart to see where you fall on the chart. I wouldn’t bother seeing a physician if you’re not experiencing discomfort, but increasing fiber and water are always a good idea.
Anon
Yep, this. Increase water and fibre because it’s good for you.
Anon
Men have shorter colons, so they biologically should go more often. Once a week sounds kind of unusual but a doctor is probably just going to tell you to adjust your diet even if you already have.
Anon
I go 3-4 times a day, which has always been normal for me (and a few other members of my family). Once or twice a week is probably on the less frequent end of the spectrum but if that has always been your norm, no need to be worried.
Anonymous
Normal to not go every day but weekly seems very infrequent. Maybe raise with your doctor at your next physical?
Anon
I would be careful with self-treating! Increasing fiber can be counterproductive if there’s an issue with things moving along slowly. (Dysmotility isn’t the same as constipation, and you said you don’t have symptoms of constipation.)
I have confirmed dysmotility, and it’s treated very differently from constipation (I’m personally on a benfotiamine supplement, a magnesium chloride supplement, and a prescription prokinetic). I did have symptoms though, so maybe that’s why they cared enough to treat.
Anon
This is me. It wasn’t really a problem to me but I did think I should go more often. I started taking a stool softner once a day with the rest of my vitamins and that helped significantly. Now I poop a little every day. But get the stool softner without the laxative in it, you don’t want to take a laxative every day!
No Face
I was like you. Few BMs but not constipated. Really intense exercise made me more regular, and now I go daily instead of weekly.
Anon
The official definition of constipation is having less than three bowel movements per week, or having difficulty, so by that measure you’re definitely outside the norm. For comparison, I’m in the at least once a day, usually more, camp. I’d definitely ask your doctor next time you go, though it might not be worth a special appointment if you don’t have any other symptoms and have always been like this.
Anon
Wow, once a week seems problematically infrequent.
Anonymous
I will just say. I started drinking Activia mini smoothies twice a day about a month ago. Within a week, I was SHOCKED. Like you, I didn’t feel “bad,” but I am consistently down an average of 5 lbs, without otherwise changing my eating habits. If you Google what stools are supposed to look like, I’m also shocked at how much actually comes out, every day. So this is I guess an ad for yogurt or whatever other product you can use to if you can’t eat yogurt. I’d strongly suggest giving it a try for 2-3 weeks. It took me 3- 4 days drinking the mini smoothies twice daily before things started moving.
Anon
Try eating yogurt – Stonyfield Farm has really good probiotics in it to help with gut health and motility. I have IBS-C so not going frequently becomes a problem for me pretty quickly, and I have to work at staying regular. Yogurt and lots of green vegetables help a lot.
Anonymous
For your TMI anecdata:
Every morning – isn’t that what coffee is for? Activating the BM?
And then around five hours after each substantial meal.
Anon
I think everyone’s different here. A friend was going on a backpacking trip for close to a week and I said something about how the lack of bathrooms would be the hardest part for me. She said, oh yeah, the men don’t mind, but I really don’t want to p o o p into a hole in the ground, so I just hold it. I was like WHAT? There is no way on earth I could hold it. When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go in my world.
Anon
Oh my goodness. “Holding it” for multiple days is really not good for you. If someone wants to give themselves problems with constipation (and also fissures/hemorrhoids), refusing to poop for days is a good way to do that.
Anon
I “hold it” subconsciously. I almost never poop on a vacation that’s less than 7 days, even if I’m staying in nice hotels with immaculately clean bathrooms. I’m not trying to “hold it,” at least not consciously! But it just doesn’t happen. I go pretty much daily at home, occasionally will skip a day but almost never more than two days. And I don’t think it’s just that my diet is different when I’m traveling, because that would take at least a couple days to take effect and I do take supplementary fiber. My dad is the same way and has gone even longer than I have when traveling (yes we’ve discussed this, lol) so there’s clearly some genetic component to it.
Docs
wow – this is really not good for you at all.
Anon
I don’t know what to do about it though. It’s not a conscious thing. I simply don’t feel the urge to go until I get home. Obviously if I feel like I have to go I go!
anon
Same, I don’t try to avoid it on vacation (quite the opposite!) but I hardly ever do. It’s been a little worrisome on longer trips but hasn’t ever led to problems. Normally I go every 1-3 days. Lots of fiber in my diet, I drink coffee (plus a ton of water), and I exercise most days. This is normal for me, so I just try not to stress about it.
Anonymous
Yeah, I do not understand the concept of “holding it.” When I have to go, I have to go RIGHT NOW. I don’t know how I’d survive life on a tour bus where you aren’t allowed to go #2 in the bus bathroom.
Anon
My partner was always like this… turns out he’s had IBD for years and years.
Anon
Any advice for someone who just freezes in winter to dress office-appropriate when you really need all exposed skin covered and layered over to stay warm? Turtlenecks (which are the warmest? The priciest Heattech ones?) layered under things? What about warmest tights (my basic tights are not really warm, it turns out)? I feel like I am trying to disguise a Michelin Man setup and it’s a C- sort of a look. I did get my thyroid tested as I have the classic signs of having a low one but it is normal.
Vicky Austin
Have you tried silk turtlenecks/leggings/tights/whatever? I stay warm in those skiing and I run cold too, and there’s no hint of the Michelin about them.
anon
I wear a silk turtleneck and a thermal full slip (maybe from Eddie Bauer?) (always wear dresses; at this time it’ll be sweater dresses.) Commando tights, Smartwool socks if wearing boots/booties. Usually a long sweater over this and a blanket in my lap as needed, which is usually is. Fingerless gloves to protect my wrists from the cold desktop. Of course, they do nothing for my fingertips, but one must type!
Sometimes a scarf around my neck, which I try to pass off as a fashion item.
Anonymous
Today I added a J Crew Long Sweater Coat over my regular sweater and it helped a lot.
In the Winter I always wear a base layer pants and top, then fleece lined tights/leggings, then I may add a dress/skirt/wide leg pants. (2-3 pairs of pants) On top I have base layer, a turtleneck wool sweater, and now a sweater coat over it (2-3 tops). I have on socks and fur lined boots. Sometimes I need two pairs of socks.
The long sweater coat somewhat disguises the Michelin Man look. You could also try the same thing with a Sweater dress.
Anonymous Grouch
This year’s Uniqlo HeatTech Extra Warm long sleeve tees are very warm – the interior is actually fuzzy – yet slim enough to go under regular clothes. They also breath well – I don’t get sweaty feeling in them like I do in the regular HeatTech long sleeve tees.
Anon 2.0
Can you use a heated blanket? if it isn’t okay in your office to be covered up, what about folding it and sitting on it? Can you have a space heater?
Anon
If your thyroid testing is coming back ok, can you try seaweed or iodine supplements? That makes a huge difference to how warm I feel (under doctors supervision).
Anon
Has anyone successfully made themselves more disciplined? I used to be disciplined but I’ve completely lost it over the years and really want to get it back. I’m single, no kids, reasonable work hours, but I still can’t seem to get myself to do the things I want/need to do like exercise, cook healthy meals, read, etc. Anyone regained this sort of discipline and drive? What works for you? I feel like I’m just floundering around.
No Face
Pick one thing at a time and do it until it becomes a habit. That is what worked for me.
Anonymous
Along those same lines, habit pairing. Take something you already do routinely and pair something with it so you make a new habit of doing those things together.
Anonymous
What works for me is making the thing I need to do the easiest and/or most attractive option. Prep delicious healthy breakfasts and lunches and have them waiting in the fridge. Cut up the fruit and veggies as soon as you bring them home. Pick an exercise program that’s fun and lay out your clothes in advance. Etc.
Anon
This. It’s almost impossible to keep forcing yourself to do things you hate, but it’s much easier to keep up an exercise habit you enjoy and can fit easily into your life and to eat healthy food that’s tasty and ready to go. A little bit of advance prep time on the weekend is way easier than having to cook when you’re busy and starving. Similarly, I always have library ebooks waiting for me to read… and they expire if I don’t read, so it’s easy to motivate to read instead of doomscrolling.
Anonymous
Paying for it worked for me. Pay for a personal trainer, workout classes, healthy meals, etc. If I’m losing money by sleeping in and skipping my more yoga class because I already paid for it, I’m getting out of bed. I will sometimes sign up for the 7am yoga class and you need to cancel at least two hours before class starts. I’m not up at 5am so I have to force myself to get up.
Anonymous
you can read atomic habits; lots of good ideas there. tie a new habit to something you already do. give yourself triggers like time or place. etc.
pugsnbourbon
Mostly it’s just telling myself “it’s hard today. Tomorrow it will still be hard, but not quite as bad as today. And then next week will be just a little easier.” Etc etc.
I am extremely motivated by numbers, so setting a goal I can track (walking X miles per month, eating Y vegetables this week, etc) helps. This is also why I can’t wear a pedometer or count calories, so YMMV.
Saguaro
I like this!
Flats Only
I have had good luck with telling myself that things I need to do are treats or adventures. “I’m going to treat myself of pre-made healthy breakfasts” is much more appealing than thinking “now I need to make those mini quiches”. “I’m going to go for an adventurous walk in the woods” vs. “now I need to exercise”.
Curious
I’ve actually been pondering whether discipline is a value of mine, and I realized that where I fail on discipline, it’s because I’m trying to discipline myself out of balance and rest and into go go go all the time. With apologies to Eastern philosophy, I’ve decided that I value balance between yin and yang energies and want to exercise discipline toward getting that not being yang all the time.
Curious
well, the end of that is a total word jumble, but you get the idea 😂
Anon
Are naturopaths legit? I’m dealing with a health issue (unexplained hair loss) and my derm and pcp say there’s nothing they can do to help stop it or explain it other than using rogain which seems like a superficial solution that I’d have to use for the rest of my life. A couple of my hormone levels are at the very low end of the “normal” range (one is slightly below the normal range) and my doctors say that’s probably not a problem but my pcp literally seemed to be googling things when she was reviewing my test results. I’m thinking about seeing a naturopath because that seems to be the only option left other than waiting to see if the issue resolves itself which is a bad option after a year of “wait and see.” Naturopaths and the testing they do are expensive so I’m just trying to figure out if it’s all snake oil or if it is legit. Would love to hear about any experiences with naturopaths from this group of smart women.
Colleen
A naturopath is not the person to see, it’s a derm who specializes in hair loss. Hair loss is surprisingly common among women, and there are things you can do to counter it, but they are not the things a naturopath can administer. In the meantime start on 5% foam minox so that you can tell the hair loss specialist that it didn’t work for you when you finally see him or her. Or better, see if your regular derm will rx oral minox, which is much easier to administer and more effective.
hair
+1
Naturopath is not the way to go. Sure you will find yourself someone willing to give you recommendations, put you on a bunch of supplements that will be pricey, not covered by insurance, and recommend frequent follow-up. But how will you know if they are giving you good advice?
Why are you looking for someone with even less experience than a dermatologist? Have you seen a hair specialist yet? Did you search online with the Alopecia Associations for their recommended doctors near you? Have you done your trial of minoxidil yet to see if you respond?
Oral low dose minoxidil is extremely well tolerated, and sure beats doing the topicals every day, for me.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with accepting this, but your hair loss is explained it seems. You’ve been told what treatment to try. You just don’t want to accept it. And I understand. I feel the same. But sometimes that’s life. Many (most?) medical problems cannot be cured – they are managed long term.
Why not just try the minoxidil? Give it a good effort.
Anonymous
This is what the 4th time you are posting this? No. It’s not legit. What is legit is Rogaine which has been around for decades is cheap safe and effective and will address your issue. You aren’t on an episode of House just take the advice of your real doctors and move on.
Anon
Right– You may not be the same poster, but someone has posted about hair loss and wanting to get to the underlying cause a couple of times. If you’re not that same poster, you can search for those posts. There was a lot of helpful info.
If you are that poster, I just want to reiterate that a lot of (most?) hair loss doesn’t have an underlying cause that you can treat as in cure forever. If you’ve already been tested for vitamin deficiencies, it’s most likely telogin effluvium (TE) or androgenic alopecia (AA). TE will go away on its own and your hair will grow back. The first-line treatment for AA is Rogaine, just like your doctors have said. If you don’t trust your dermatologist, you should go to a different dermatologist. You’re not going to find the help you want with a naturopath.
Anonymous
I think naturopaths can be a helpful add-on when there is no specific malady and you’re just looking to improve how you feel. I wouldn’t use them to diagnosis or treat any actual condition on their own and I would be careful messing with hormones, because things can go out of whack in other ways,
Anecdotally, have you had covid? That seems to cause hair loss/thinning in a significant number of people.
No Face
No experience for naturopaths, but Rogaine was incredibly effective for my mother’s hair loss.
Anon
It might be worth looking into integrative medicine. I think naturopaths are generally quacks.
Anon
Is it possible that once in a while they do something that works? Yes. But it’s just as possible that it actually just got better on its own, or from eating better and getting more sleep, or reducing stress or some other random thing you’ll never figure out. For the most part, they just prey on desperate people with money to burn.
Anon
I believe naturopaths can be helpful and I have seen one in the past, but I think you’ve posted about this before and I’m going to give you the same advice I did the last time: it’s normal to be in denial about your hair loss; it happened to me too. If you got bloodwork, a hair pull test, and maybe a biopsy and the answer from both the PCP and the dermatologist is “use Rogaine,” every day that goes by that you do not use the Rogaine, you will lose more hair and get balder. I would be near-bald right now across my front scalp had I not started Rogaine when I did. By all means, see whatever specialists you feel you need to so that you can come to a place of acceptance with this – there are also hair-loss specialists, called trichologists, that I would see before I saw a naturopath. But if the answer is not clearly “you have lupus” or “you have hypothyroidism” or “one of your medications is causing hair loss,” etc. the answer is likely that it is genetic (likely compounded by hormonal changes) and there is nothing you can do to treat the “underlying cause,” all you can do is treat the symptomatic expression. Which means Rogaine. Which is not nearly as bad as people seem to think it is (I put it on every night just like I put on moisturizer, brush my teeth, and take my vitamins. Just part of the routine).
Anon
See a functional medicine doctor first – they have generally have MDs or DOs from real medical schools and just chose a different specialty. Naturopaths aren’t medically licensed or qualified to practice as doctors as the schools are not accredited.
anonshmanon
https://ohnopodcast.com/investigations/2019/9/1/ross-and-carrie-meet-britt-hermes-former-naturopath-edition
Anon
I wouldn’t pay money on seeing a naturopath. I don’t think that is smart. As I have mentioned here before, I did use a copy of a book by Lara Briden to help me ask about what tests to request from my real doctor to address hormone issues. I think that was better than Google anyway! (And we were able to find treatable issues that way — I did have some serious deficiencies.)
Unless you have cats, I don’t know why you wouldn’t use Rogaine in the meantime.
Curious
Just a general note for the hive, perhaps to marvel at the strangeness of my remote climes… Naturopathic doctors are actually board-certified and board-supervised in Washington State, with continuing education requirements. We saw one to resolve my daughter’s tongue tie, which was severely impacting her feeding, and he turned out to be way better than the consultants associated with our main hospital. I don’t actually know what’s acquired to attain the license, and I think everyone else has better advice for OP, but I was intrigued when I learned this around this time last year. https://doh.wa.gov/licenses-permits-and-certificates/professions-new-renew-or-update/naturopathic-physician
Curious
*remote clime.
Curious
*required. Wow, I shouldn’t be allowed to write today.
TMI Tuesday
Does anyone have experience with small red bumps on their ribcage below the armpit, kind of where your bra strap meets the cup? Could it be acne? And any treatment suggestions?
PolyD
Maybe yeast?
pugsnbourbon
A few things pop to mind:
– could you be allergic to something in the bra? Like if it’s older and the lining is wearing through?
– exercising and then staying in a sweaty bra too long sometimes makes me rashy
– new detergent? some kind of contact dermatitis?
I am generally itchy and dry-skinned, so when I get random irritated spots I try to keep the area moisturized and away from anything that rubs on it.
pugsnbourbon
Dry-skinned except on my face, that is. My oil glands are not evenly distributed.
Anonymous
I have gotten small yeast spots in that location which something like lamisil will clear up. Another likely option is skin tags, which would require a derm.
Anonymous
Is it shingles?
Anon
I have those. I think it’s a type of KP. It’s definitely not acne. I’ve had them for years and years.
Anon
I get something like fungus from time to time at the underwire area – red itchy bumps. More often in summer when I spend outdoor time in hot weather. My derm said I could use a steroid cream, but what cleared it up immediately was my son’s over the counter athlete’s foot cream. Like, overnight.
Anon
While assessing my housing goals last night, I realized something that hit me like a bag of bricks…I’m likely going to be carrying a mortgage into retirement. I’m in my early thirties and still a renter, and likely won’t be ready to buy until my late thirties at the earliest. And there’s no way I would be ready to buy my forever home at that point as I live in a VHCOL area (a 2 bedroom in a good building is well over $1 million). It made me think about the wave of millennials who haven’t been ready or able to purchase a home and how that will affect us all downstream. We are going to have a whole generation of people who are still paying a mortgage during retirement. On the other hand, my parents only just entered retirement but paid off their mortgage a long time ago.
Anon
Optimistically, I think plenty of people who take out 30 year mortgages will pay them off a bit early. People will downsize going into retirement. Even if you are retired and have a mortgage, it’s one thing to be 67 and have a mortgage and another to be 85 and have a mortgage.
Anon
My parents are in their late 70s/early 80s and still have a low (for their area) mortgage bc they refinanced at one point. I am 43 and can’t see myself staying in the house I own now forever, and have always expected to either be paying a mortgage or rent in retirement. I still have $95k in SL debt so it is what it is.
Anon
I think the plan is for a lot of millennials to rent forever.
Anon
At some point, our parents will die and b/c people have so many fewer kids these days (if any), someone will get all that home equity. I know one teen who will get things from grandparents (who have a pension and a paid-off house) and parents who are only kids (and teen is an only kid). Unless something drastic happens, kids these days will inherit a lot eventually and that may be how you pay off your debts (student loans, housing loans, etc.).
Anon
It’s not drastic to have to spend home equity on long term care. It’s extremely common.
Anon
I know. In our family, we are lucky that that hasn’t been the case. But long term care is just a car crash away from any of us.
Anon
And it’s the best argument to buy a house, frankly. Many need the equity eventually even if you have to pay off a mortgage too as part of a sale.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, we sold my parents’ house to pay for their last 7 years of assisted living and that was fine. Hubby and I have a good income going into retirement but if we have to sell the house at the end, that’s fine, too. Happy to have the equity there if needed.
Anon
This will happen for some lucky people. But many people’s parents and grandparents aren’t planning on leaving an inheritance; they’re planning on downsizing, going on some vacations, and the Medicaid spend down.
Anon
Yep, the nursing home will get all that home equity.
Anon
IDK — in our family, all grandparents but one died at home. The one who didn’t had a stroke and was in a skilled nursing facility after discharge for less than a month. You truly never know. Older relatives routinely live at home in 2-story houses into their mid-80s (and no one does the gutters, even when young; you hire people for that and they are good at that skill). So given longevity, I plan not to retire early so that I don’t run out of $ while I’m healthy (knowing that running out of it in the last 6 months in a nursing home is not really going to be my problem (not b/c it won’t happen to me but b/c if it does I will be dead and gone)).
Anon
Like at Anon at 11:09, only one of my four grandparents ended up in nursing care, and my grandmother only made it a month before she passed. My MIL got cancer and we moved her into assisted living and she lived in the facility a grand total of 6 days before she passed. I had heard this, and I have seen the truth of it in my life and the lives of my friends/colleagues: group living is hard on people and many elderly folks do not make it long in assisted living or nursing care. There are always exceptions, but I remember researching it when we were trying to find a place for my grandmother where she could live for awhile without running out of money, and the average nursing home stay is something like 90 days; the average assisted-living stay is around one year. Because people stay in their homes until they absolutely just cannot any more, and then when they move into group living they get exposed to many different bacteria/viruses from the other residents.
Anon
2/4 grandparents, 1 on each side, needed skilled nursing for >10 years, as did 2 neighbors when growing up. It’s not uncommon at all.
Anon
“It’s not uncommon at all.”
Given statistics on average stays in skilled nursing or assisted living that are collected across populations, I would say yes, it is uncommon for someone to need 10 years of skilled nursing, if the average stay is 90 days. The plural of anecdote is not data, and just because it happened to you/your family doesn’t negate the data about averages.
Anon
Many people who need nursing care don’t get it for cost reasons, which is skewing the data about average duration of stay. For affluent people who can afford nursing care, 5-10 years at end of life is not at all uncommon.
Anon
I am not sure where this will nest but I have found it is actually the opposite. People with money can afford the type of in-home care that is not covered by Medicaid and that allows them to stay home longer. It is less affluent people who end up in nursing homes (paid for by the government) because they and their families cannot afford the services that would allow them to stay home.
Anon
The people I know who didn’t have funds were cared for by their family at home, even though it was emotionally difficult and in some cases physically dangerous for the patient and/or caregivers. It’s a pretty horrible way to spend your end of life but many people have no choice. All the wealthy people I know lived in assisted living for years before passing.
Medicare does not cover extended nursing home living. It covers short stays (I think it might actually cover exactly 90 days?), which is why you see the stats suggesting short stays are common. They are, among a certain class of people who have no choice to stay there longer. But if you have choice, extended nursing care us usually the best and safest option.
Anonymous
Wait until you see what happens when those parents need to go to assisted living or have crazy end of life medical bills. The first thing to go is their property. I wouldn’t count on a financial windfall in any way. I’ve seen too many situations where medical care robs someone elderly of a lifetime’s gathering of assets. Check out what assisted living costs—before any other health expense is factored in–and you’ll see just how tough it is. I’m well-educated and meaningfully employed in my 40s and I weep for my future.
Anon
SS retirement age used to be after average life expectancy, so people usually weren’t in retirement at all b/c they had died. We live longer now, but a long retirement really isn’t sustainable unless you have a pension. Also, you can get a 15 year mortgage. And if you get a 40-year mortgage to make things affordable to you, what was your rent 15-20ish years ago — much more affordable. If buying freezes your housing cost, that alone is a win (if you were renting, you’d pay rent in retirement, and it would go up faster than your property taxes and insurance, which aren’t fixed even if you buy). So I’d still buy probably even though renting gives you a lot of flexibility if you want to move when you are older (neighbors want to downsize and go into assisted living but listed their house to late and it just will not sell even though the house next door sold in a day over asking price back in the spring).
Anon
I’m having trouble following the last half of this comment. OP says she can’t afford to buy right now
Anon
A lot of people also move somewhere cheaper for retirement. A VHCOL city that is unaffordable when you are working will be doubly-so when you aren’t. Some people move to better weather or to be closer to family and some just move somewhere where they can afford to live and there is no shame in that. It’s the rational choice. A lot of places that cater to retirees will have good medical options, which will become key when you may not drive or need to rely on a bus / shuttle. Even if you don’t live in a retirement community, just having that in your city is much better than having it be hours away.
Anon
+1 to 15 year mortgage. I purchased my home in my mid-30s but refinanced to 2% on a 15 year last year. Hopefully rates go down again at some point and this will be an option for future buyers.
Anon
If you can’t afford a 30 year mortgage, a 15 year seems even less feasible?
Anon
Income goes up and a mortgage stays the same.
I bought my house when I was 32 on a 30 year, fixed rate mortgage. When I refinanced to a 15 year at a much lower rate, my total mortgage went up $500 a month. Since my income had also gone up, it was not a stretch.
Anonymous
Haha. Very unlikely.
Senior Attorney
I’ve never understood locking yourself into a 15-year mortgage when you can just pay extra on a 30-year mortgage to pay it off in 15 years if you can, but still have the flexibility of lower payments if something happens to lower your income. (Yes, I know interest rates can be a bit lower for 15 year loans, but I’d still rather have the option of those lower payments if, for example, I lost my job unexpectedly.)
Anon
I agree generally but worth noting that some mortgages have pre-payment penalties.
Anon
I have a different perspective on this because only one set of my grandparents ever paid off their mortgage and stayed in the house. My other set of grandparents paid off their house and then moved into a senior living community where they paid rent; my parents have now done the exact same thing, as did my mother-in-law before she passed. For all of them it came down to not wanting to have to deal with home maintenance and upkeep in their older years. Doing home maintenance yourself is time-consuming and can be dangerous; outsourcing all of it is very expensive. Maintaining a home is honestly no joke and TBH – I cannot see myself climbing around on a roof to clear gutters or patch leaks when I’m in my 60s and 70s. I’m not so sure I want to go back to being a renter, but I do see us maybe buying a condo where someone else takes care of the maintenance, which we may be able to do by paying cash once we sell our current house (my aunt did exactly this – sold her “family home” where she’d raised her kids and used the proceeds to buy a new condo outright, and she’s very happy).
We bought the house we’re in now with no intention of living in it until we can pay it off. Our plan was to live here between 5 and 10 years and then sell. We have 2800 square feet and once our son moves out, it will just be more space than we need. We also don’t want to stay in the city we’re living in; we are primarily here because of keeping our son in a good school (and, of course, when we bought the house neither of us worked remote). Now we are both remote and once he’s out of high school and off to college, we could go just about anywhere. And so likely we will not want to stay here. Fortunately, we have a few more years before he’s fully launched, so we’ll be able to time the sale of our house so we aren’t selling into a down market.
I am always kind of fascinated at people who try to plan their lives out 30 years in advance. I have seen so many things happen to people – like my parents and their friends, or my friends’ parents – that I realized awhile back that a five-year plan is good but beyond that, I don’t worry about it too much. I definitely never felt like our priority was paying off a house so we would have somewhere to live “forever.” That’s too much commitment for me. Feels like handcuffs on my future plans. I’d rather build equity and put money in the bank so that if we get older and want to move closer to wherever our son ends up (or our friends) we have the flexibility to do so. I don’t want to be tied to the same house forever just because it’s paid off.
One other thing I’ll mention: when my grandparents who paid off their house and stayed in it got frail in old age, the house was more of a burden than a blessing because it wasn’t handicap-accessible (it was a split level, which was about the worst thing for their accessibility issues – not to mention the tiny bathrooms) and even though they had little ability to maintain the house, it still needed maintenance – and frankly updating, which they didn’t have the money to complete. We talked with them many, many times about selling the house and having them move into assisted living, and they adamantly refused, because “the house is paid off.” So then we tried to have home care come in, which did not work very well because my grandmother did not want “people in her house.” They passed within 18 months of each other and then when we put the house on the market, it was outdated, not completely well-maintained, and frankly needed quite a bit of TLC that neither my mom or her siblings was willing to put in. So we sold at a very low price – after having to spend, no lie, 3 months cleaning out the house because in 45 years of occupancy, my grandparents had accumulated tons and tons of stuff. It would have been better for them and better for us had they not been tied to the house – I am convinced my grandmother died when she did because she couldn’t stand being alone in the house without my grandpa, but she also refused to leave.
roxie
This whole comment resonates, thank you for sharing.
Anonymous
Your last paragraph is pretty close to my life. Mom is still in the house they lived in for 45 years. Dad died suddenly at the beginning of Covid. I can see her declining, but she is oh so stubborn about having help inside the house. I’m not sure she could adapt to living in an apartment (new parking routine, etc) plus she has friends nearby. Eeeek!
Anonymous
Maybe.
Another potential route is that you buy a house that appreciates, sell it for a profit, and buy a retirement home in cash with no mortgage that is either smaller or in a cheaper location.
Our current home has ~550k left on the mortgage but is worth ~$1.3M scoring times Redfin. We are mid 40s and once the kids are out (~12 years) we are going to downsize and likely move from the Boston burbs to somewhere…cheaper.
Anon
We paid off our mortgage very early, as did my parents, but most people I know in my parents’ generation had a mortgage into retirement. I don’t think that’s weird or unusual and I don’t think it’s a new thing.
Retired with a mortgage
I agree that it is not unusual to have a mortgage in retirement. I suppose it depends a lot on your region, and other circumstances. My husband and I are retired and I still pay a mortgage. But we can afford the payments have over $800,000 in equity in our condo, so it’s not a worry.
anonshmanon
Yeah, my 80yo landlady has a mortgage on our rental. I privately wonder why, given that she bought this place for basically nothing almost 50 years ago, but she also owns a bunch of real estate elsewhere, so what do I know about that sort of life.
Anon
I mean, I think if you have a low interest rate mortgage, it’s generally better to pay the minimum and invest more in the market. I got a lot of grief from finance wizards here when I said we paid ours off super early. So I’m confused why commenters are now acting baffled that people keep mortgages into retirement.
anon
I own a rental property, and for almost 10 years, I had an adjustable-rate mortgage with interest-only payments which hovered around 1.5%. There was literally no reason to pay off the mortgage. (I refinanced to a fixed-rate, 30-year mortgage in 2021, and thank goodness I did).
No Face
I think it is very normal to never own in a VHCOL area. It is also very normal to leave that kind of area for that very reason.
I grew up in a VHCOL area and now I live in a LCOL area. My life would be impossible where I grew up! Nice home in a great area, two kids, short commute, great public schools, excess income.
Anon
“I think it is very normal to never own in a VHCOL area.” This makes me sad. I live in Northern Virginia and work in DC (which I know some will argue is “only” high and not very high) and I don’t see myself being able to afford buying here anytime soon but also can’t see myself living elsewhere. One thing that I think a lot of people forget is how hard it is for single people to buy. It’s so much easier for couples who have dual income.
Anon
Yes, and yet I’ve seen shared real estate prevent people from moving on when they literally could not afford going. HCOL places are just brutal. I will need some sort of Golden Girls set-up, but it’s not like you can’t move further out and still be in the area for plays, restaurants, etc. Frederick and Baltimore and Fredericksburg are all less expensive and often there are rail links.
ELS
Hello fellow NOVA dweller. I’m in the same boat. I work and live here, and I cannot afford to buy on my own. I make a respectable salary and am putting away more money for a down payment, but housing is so expensive that it’s really become difficult. I don’t know what my long-term plan is, but you’re not alone in your frustration. I love it here, but I don’t know that I’ll be able to afford to retire here.
Esquinkle
Where is this magical place? Asking for myself!
Anonymous
Here’s why a lot of smart people don’t care about paying off their mortgage:
a) if you have extra money it will make more in the stock market than you will lose on mortgage interest. I’ve had mortgage interests of 2-4%, my market investments have made 10-300%. When we moved a few years ago we could have bought the house outright but instead took a $400k mortgage and instead invested the $400k; that money has at least tripled in the past 5 years. (probably more tbh)
b) you can’t eat a house. you can’t trade it for a winter coat. it’s a long procedure to evict/force a sale/etc — if things go south for whtaever reason it’s better to have money for food and necessities rather than a paid off mortgage.
Senior Attorney
This. We have a mortgage going into retirement but I would never want to have all my money tied up in my house.
Anon
I’m a lifelong New Yorker with no plans to move away and I definitely feel you. I’m in an outer borough in a non-trendy area (near where I grew up) and it’s a lot more affordable than Manhattan, but it’s still expensive. I figure much of our generation is in this boat so somehow we will all figure it out. For now, I’m saving aggressively for retirement and in cash, and got a rent stabilized apartment so my rent is not going to skyrocket. There’s lots of retired people in one bedrooms (rented or coops) around my area and I figure that will be us someday. Several of my friends’ parents are included in that number and they love living close to their kids and grandkids. I also personally have no interest in a house and all the costs and maintenance of that, or living somewhere where driving is a must. Several of my friends’ elderly parents can’t drive anymore and all the local grocery stores deliver and they can take a cab or bus for anything else.
We’ll be ok!
Anonymous
I don’t know if this is true in a VHCOL area, but in my circles, a lot of people make 13 payments a year rather than 12, which takes years off the mortgage. And even if you can’t do that immediately, you may find you can make extra payments later. Just 5 years in, my mortgage is less than what others are paying in rent for small apartments, so making extra payments seems very feasible. But also, downsizing and selling at a profit is very common. My mortgage and my equity are about even now.
Anonymous
The same concept applies to people who choose to have kids in their late 30’s and early 40’s. There will suddenly be college and/ or weddings to pay for in your 60s and 70s (or 80s if you have kids in your early 50s) when you are trying to tie up loose ends and retire.
Financial guidance is to plan and make big purchases pre-retirement (new car, new furnace, new roof). Add college and/or weddings to the mix and it sure creates a bumpy road to retirement. I can’t imagine adding continued mortgage payments to that mix. People say they wait to have kids until they are more financially stable – but to me it seems to upend the last part of your life as much as the middle.
Anonymous
You’re ignoring home equity. You buy a starter home, live in it for 5-10 years, then sell or rent it at a profit. With the proceeds you can pay down your next home more quickly. Stay in that house another 10-15 years and then downsize before you retire. With the proceeds from house #2 you can hopefully either buy house #3 cash or make a large dp so you have a small mortgage.
Anon
There are no “starter homes” in VHCOL areas unless you want to live in squalor.
Anon
Yes there are. I’m in SF, the definition of VVHCOL, and you start with a condo, then maybe buy a TIC, eventually a SFH. You can build equity in all those types of homes.
Anon
Condos aren’t the cheaper alternative where I live. They are still extremely expensive.
Anon
I’m semi-retired and still have a mortgage. I could pay it off with money I currently have invested, but my mortgage interest rate is below 3% and the interest is tax deductible. I didn’t make more money on my investments in 2022, but long-term, it makes more sense to leave both the investments and mortgage in place.
Someday we will downsize and pay cash for a smaller place, but right now with college-aged kids, we still need a house big enough for them to live in when they’re not in school. I also fully plan to welcome them to live at home as needed as they get a foothold on real life and supporting themselves.
Anon
Yep! The housing crisis is real and will have lifelong impacts. I’m late 30s and bought a condo this year in a VHCOL area. My mom still has a small mortgage on her single family, and she is retired at 68. She bought it at 30 and refinanced during her divorce to keep the house. Her mortgage is 1/4 of mine though. Many of my friends just plan to keep renting out of necessity. It’s sad and prevents intergenerational wealth building.
LA Law
This might be too late to be helpful, but a few thoughts.
This s is an issue that is too individual and location dependent for any one size fits all solution. I will have paid my house off before I retire. I live in Southern California and my house has basically quadrupled in value and the rent on a comparable property would be at least 3x my house related expenses (including mortgage, property tax and upkeep). It is not an ideal house for aging in place because of the stairs but I plan to hold on to it as long as I can. However, if I needed to sell or rent it so I could move to a lower cost area that would be an option. For me and where I live and work, buying a house and resisting the temptation to take out equity was the best move.
But I live in Southern California. The problem with renting forever here is that rents continue to increase while your mortgage stays the same and property taxes increase very slowly. I have seen several retirees be basically forced to move by that fact. The calculus might be completely different if I lived in a place with lower property values, higher property taxes, slower appreciation and cheaper rentals.
Also I second the person who said there is not much point planning too far into the future. I had 6 grandparents (due to a step/adoptive parent). Four died after a very brief illness, requiring no long-term care. One was in assisted living for six weeks before she died (her house was on the market but had not sold yet) and she was the one who did the most planning to stay in her house. Of those 5 only one (the one in assisted living) would not have been able to handle stairs or basic home maintenance (and none had ever cleaned their own gutters!) And the sixth is 96 and still living in her house – although one of my uncles coincidentally needed a place to stay after his divorce so he lives with her and does her shopping/driving since she does not drive.
Anon
Any Christmasy book recommendations that aren’t too Hallmarky cheesy? Like, Elin Hildebrand’s Winter Stroll series I would fit squarely in this camp, but alas I’ve already read them. Jenny Colgan is too much for me.
Doesn’t have to be feel good, can be a good mystery etc. with the right setting.
Thanks!
Aunt Jamesina
Seven Days of Us by Francesca Hornak.
anon in brooklyn
I love Jeanette Winterson’s Christmas Days. I reread it every year at Christmastime.
Anonymous
Royal Holiday by Jasmine Guillory is cute if you like her books.
If youre ok with fantasy, The Bear and the Nightingale is set in winter (not Christmas) and is very good. And it’s a trilogy!
Anonymous
Oh! And One Day in December by Josie Silver.
Vicky Austin
I haven’t read it, but I’ve been eying Lovelight Farms.
I read an Anne Perry set at Christmas a couple years ago, but can’t remember if it was too Hallmarky!
anon
It’s not Christmas themed, but very comforting and it’s wintery and cozy: The City Baker’s Guide to Country Living. It’s well written but a joy to read.
New Here
NPR just released their annual “Books We Love”, and “A Merry Little Meet Cute” by Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone is on it. The last line of the review says “This holiday romance is naughty and nice and everything in between.” I plan on picking up at Target this weekend.
Anan
Oldie but goodie- Best Christmas Pageant Ever.
Donna Andrews
A lot of Donna Andrews’s books are Christmas themed. She writes cozy mysteries set in Virginia.
Anon
Has anyone ever stayed at The New Yorker hotel in NY? I’ll be attending an event at MSG and want to stay somewhere decent and close without breaking the bank. They are offering a good rate the night of my event and I love the 1920’s, so it looks fun. But I’ll have an older family member with me so I’ll feel bad if we get there and it’s old and gross.
Anonymous
I have, although many years ago. I don’t have super high standards for fanciness, but it was clean and perfectly fine, and we returned for another visit the city a year later. Small rooms but that’s to be expected for NYC.
Fallen
Posted on cmoms yesterday but wanted to post here too for more perspective… is anyone here part of a country club? Do you find it worthwhile?
Anon
I am in a tennis/swim club that had much better policies for kids than our Y did (and also a 3′ pool vs the Y, which was 4′, which makes a huge difference with smaller kids). If you won’t use either, IDK why you’d join. Golf country clubs are $$$ and we aren’t really golfers. The tennis/swim club has inside courts and lighted courts, so after years of trying to play on city courts only to have it get dark or rain, it is nice to plan when I plan to play. We joined primarily for the pool though once we had kids. I didn’t want a pool at our house to deal with and our yard is tiny to begin with but we are in a hot area and sometimes the only thing you can really do is cool down at the pool. Kids did swim team but then they switched to morning practice and I work, so that went out the door.
anon
I am not but know a good number of people that are. From my friend group, it is very much a know your city, know your lifestyle kind of thing. Avid golfers love it because of reciprocal privileges at other clubs (this is the high dollar version of my zoo and art museum memberships give me free admission while travelling). MIL enjoys it because her friends all belong and it centers her and her husband’s social lives. Younger crowd, it back stops when you live in the city without easy access to pools and such during the summer months. Do I know many people that have found it useful explicitly for business, no. Is it the privileged version of the HOA pool, 100 percent yes.
Anon
I live in an older part of my city that has no HOAs (yay!) but also no community pools. People in new areas of my city live in developments where there is a community pool that their kids can walk to. I envy that — we have to drive to our pool so I like a place I can get a lounge chair, have some snacks (our Y forbids snacks near the pool), etc.
Anon
We are part of a sports club that used to be a country club, but now allows membership without sponsorship from another member, or a buy-in. We don’t golf, so our membership is $75 a month and that allows us full access to the clubhouse facilities – including the gym, pool, sauna, restaurant, etc. – and access to club events. We are actually having Thanksgiving dinner at our club on Thursday; they are offering two seatings for a lunch buffet and we decided to do that rather than cook (we went to the Easter buffet with my parents and it was great; we’re figuring this will be as well). Our club is not the fanciest or the most updated place but the pool is VERY nice (we spend just about every weekend at the pool, opening date through closing date, every summer) and the restaurant is pretty good. They have a bar that overlooks the golf course and it’s a nice place to go have a drink and watch the sun set, occasionally. They also have special event nights that we’ve participated in, including a fancy Valentine’s Day dinner with live music that was tons of fun last year.
I can say with authority I would not have paid $10k, $20k, $25k, etc. to buy into this place. Now that I know how much we like it, I might have paid $5k. I also would not pay hundreds of dollars a month to be a member, but what we’re paying feels like a bargain to me, for what we get. Overall, belonging to the club has been very positive for us but I don’t know that I would have paid buckets of money to do it. But we’re just comfortable, as opposed to being affluent, well-off, rich, or rich-rich. And we’re definitely not wealthy.
Anon
Our tennis/swim club is like this. Like the Y but more upscale. I can just let my kids roam the grounds once we get there. And there is a snack bar and fire pits.
Anonymous
I feel like that’s actually a really good deal and now makes me want to investigate if any of the country clubs in my town have something similar. I really want pool access but there is a sad lack of gyms with pools near me.
Anon
Check around, I think a lot of previously-exclusive country clubs are going to this kind of model (you have to pay dues and for the food in the restaurant, but no buy-in, etc.) because old-school country clubs are seen by many younger people as exclusionary and kind of gross. When our club went into bankruptcy and then was bought by the current owners, who got rid of the buy-in and “referral” process, the club went from teetering on the brink of insolvency year after year to doing really well and being able to afford many updates and refurbishments. There’s a waitlist for our type of membership and as I understand it, anything but the top-level golf membership (which is hundreds a month) is waitlisted also.
Aunt Jamesina
Wow, $75 per month for all that is cheaper than our (nice but not fancy) public pool!
anon
My husband and I got into a spat this morning and it was like it broke the dam that had been holding me together. Not just spousal stuff, but all the stress (kid, job, in-laws, holidays, chronic illness). I’ve stopped crying but now I feel like I am just moving through water. I am WFH so I am giving myself some slack. Not sure what I need. Just reassurance that I am not a bad person and that the fog will clear.
What kindness do you show yourself when you just feel really low? (Already in therapy and on meds.)
Curious
You are not a bad person. You are a tired and stressed person. I’m really working on getting my body to relax this week, and it’s been harder than usual. Maybe a bath with Epsom salts? And make sure to get outside, even for 3 minutes.
anon
Thank you. I took a long, slow walk and it was helped. The sun is out. I will get out again. And a bath sounds nice.
Curious
That is so good. I walked home from daycare drop off through the leaves, with gentle rain pattering on my hood, and it felt good. Keep posting. A lot of us are struggling right now. We can be in this together. Best of everything to you.
anon
This community has really meant a lot to me for a lot of years. Thank you for the good thoughts.
Anonymous
The holidays are super. duper stressful. Wonderful, but stressful. Go for a walk. Go get a good cup of coffee. Be kind to yourself today.
Seventh Sister
Buy something little that will make you a little happy! The holidays are so stressful. I am super dreading Thanksgiving because my terrible in-laws are going to be terrible, my husband just lost a local election and is feeling like a total loser, my uncle is dying on the other side of the country, I hate my kids’ school, and this past year has been way more financially stressful than I anticipated.
pugsnbourbon
Can you take a half-day? I’m sorry things are so hard right now.
Anon
I would definitely tell your boss/colleagues you’re taking a half day and give yourself a break.
Wheels
Eat well, keep up your fluids, get enough rest. If you have a chronic illness and there’s specific things that help that (for example, for me it’s remembering to take all supplements, booking an IV, booking a massage, spending time outdoors, doing yoga breathing and being in contact with friends) then do the things that give you a boost.
Anonymous
Jumping off of the discussion of work bags yesterday: talk to me about your favorite professional backpacks. I’m a walking commuter with a 15 in laptop and a very sad looking backpack I need to replace.
I’m intrigued by the Lo & Sons Rowledge and Cuyana Backpack. Thoughts on either? Something else to consider? Thanks!
Anon
I have a TUMI backpack that I bought on Poshmark and I love it. It has held up amazing well and my shoulders are so happy that I am not carrying a tote!
Anonymous
I am not ordinarily a backpack person and didn’t like my old Lo & Sons OG but I adore my new Rowledge. It’s the most functional work bag I’ve ever had and is so much easier to deal with for travel, public transit, and walking commutes than a tote. It holds all my work stuff + travel stuff comfortably with room to spare, including my laptop, power supply, mouse, USB/video hub, ipad, notebook, giant Bose headphones, Kindle, snacks, large wallet, sunglasses, cosmetic bag, phone, and keys (on a key leash!). A pair of shoes would probably fit too. I love the external sleeves for an umbrella and water bottle.
Anon.
My review of the Rowledge is similar. I’m a big fan – lots of easily accessible pockets for travel. I also like that the back has a sleeve for slipping over a suitcase handle. Purchased in 2019 and still in excellent condition. I even did an overnight trip with just the backpack at least once.
Anon
I was looking at the Lo & Sons Rowledge after yesterday’s discussion, and it seems large enough to hold a 15″ laptop, even though the laptop insert is only for 13″ laptops. Anyone have experience with that? I’m thinking I could get a laptop sleeve somewhere else.
Anonymous
I know we have had threads on how to prep for and return from vacations. Can anyone point me in the right direction, or share tips on how to prepare for work issues?
MBAMags
One thing I try to do is leave a *brief* summary on my desk of the fires that are most likely to flare while I am away. That way, someone unfamiliar can quickly understand where things are and any inside information that may be helpful in dealing with something.
anon in brooklyn
When you return, read emails starting with the most recent. If you start with the oldest, you’ll likely respond to something that someone else took care of in your absence.
Anonymous
Or to the start of a thread that has run for days.
Savannah
When I return, I read e-mails grouped by conversation, so I can quickly see how the matter unfolded over the time I was out. Most of the time I’m able to file all the emails without stepping in, which may not be clear with just the first few e-mails in the string.
When we travel for a week, we usually go either Friday – Friday or Saturday – Saturday, and always have at least one buffer day for re-entry at home. Very often I will also take a couple hours on Sunday to go ahead and open e-mail and get things sorted. Two caveats to this – First, I’m very strict about not checking e-mail at all while I’m gone. I totally step away (I have a partner who can cover me). So, by that Sunday afternoon I have a certain amount of curiosity about what’s waiting for me. Second, because I’m a partner and I’m checking in on my own work and my own clients, I don’t feel like I’m giving my time away to someone else.
Anon
Last time I was job searching, I had been laid off. Now I’m working but somewhat interested in seeing opportunities. Is it normal when casually looking to turn on Linkedin settings for open to new jobs? I would use the recruiters only setting.
MBAMags
Absolutely! There is also a setting for “active” vs ” casual” looking.
anon
Yep. I’m a legal recruiter and plenty of people do this.
anon1
keep in mind that recruiters at your current company may be able to see this.
Anon
Yes, I had mine set to this until recently. I don’t think my friends could see it, but recruiters could, and contacted me regularly. Of course, this meant I had to wade through recruiters who didn’t know my field and didn’t really have anything for me, but I did hear about some interesting opportunities this way.
Sheet music Anon
Anyone know how to go about finding piano sheet music? I’m not musically inclined so I have no idea if this is the right terminology. My young niece and I watched Christmas Without You on Netflix (starring Freddie Prinze Jr) this past weekend and niece loved the hit main song/soundtrack with the same name. Niece is learning piano and I would love to try to find the sheet music for her to learn to play that song.
Anon
sheetmusicplus dot com. It usually has a lot of popular music selections.
Anon
I have bought a ton of stuff, mostly show tunes, from there. If I had had this as a kid, I might have actually practiced my violin.
Thanks for the Idea!
Very cool recommendation – thanks! My husband is a piano player and often uses his ipad for playing.
As a gift – would you recommend getting the “Easy piano” versions, or the full “Piano/Vocal/Guitar” versions of books? Again, he is quite good at piano so I think he could do both?
Anon
I agree with prior posters, and you may also be able to find it on amaz-n. I’ve found some books this way.
Not too long ago, my favorite thing in the world was to go leaf through sheet music at an actual brick and mortar music store, but I feel those are going the way of the dinosaur. The one I went to most often closed their retail business and only has an instrument rental and repair business now.
Anon
How am I an adult and not know this: a coatdress is just a dress, yes? You’re not supposed to wear anything underneath it. A dressy coat is a dressy coat (and you wear an outfit underneath). But it looks very weird to me in the winter to wear a coat over a coatdress (and yet, that is what you have to do when it is cold). Yes?
It is 2022 and I apparently do not understand clothes. First jeans, now this.
Vicky Austin
For me, a coatdress is something the Princess of Wales knows how to wear, and I leave it with her.
Vicky Austin
hm – what got this to m0d?
Anonymous
I’m totally curious why this is coming up as a dilemma for you today — it has never occurred to me to parse what to wear over a coatdress in the winter, but then, I’ve never owned a coatdress.
Anonymous
Yes, a coatdress is a dress that looks something like a coat and is worn without a coat. Coatdresses are worn only by royalty making public appearances, so I doubt that this will be a problem for you in real life.
anon
I wore them in high school. No real public appearances . . .
Trish
I would wear a coatdress to an outdoor function when it is cool here in Florida. That sounds perfect for afterwork Christmas parties.
Anon
If it’s cold enough for that, then you don’t wear the coat dress in the first place.
Anon
Look to Kate, the Princess of Wales, for all things coat dress. She usually wears a simple silk matching dress underneath. She does not wear another coat on top.
But unless you’re a princess I don’t think coat dresses are very relevant to your daily life.
Anon
My cousin was once wearing a coatdress with only underwear and bra underneath (as is customary for dresses) when a male host asked her “do you want to take off your coat?” She doesn’t wear that dress anymore.
Anon
That happened to my bestie at TSA, but it was a blazer-shaped top, and she only had a bra under it. The TSA agent (a guy, of course) kept insisting all jackets be removed, and she kept saying she couldn’t, then they sent her to the little interrogation room with a female agent. We were flying together and I was really worried we were going to miss our flight!
Anon
I had a couple of coat dresses I absolutely loved in the mid 90s. One was navy with a knife pleated skirt. One was red and fitted like a sheath. They both had blazer like tops. For me they were perfect work clothes. I wore them with a warm layer underneath but not visible (like thin long johns) when it was cold, but I also had no qualms about wearing a coat over them, no more than you would feel funny wearing a coat over a blazer.
Anon
TIL what a coatdress is!
nyc help
Any recommendations for a great dental implant specialist in NYC? I may need to get a second opinion on my case and would prefer to have it from someone independent of my general dentist. It’s for a front tooth implant so esthetics are critical. Thanks!
NYC
SDNY Dentists is a great practice.
Anon
I just want to say, even as a mostly lurker, the attitude lately of jumping all over people who ask questions on similar topics to other recent questions is really grating. It is not unlikely that multiple women with similar interests and lifestyles will have similar problems! I don’t understand the need to criticize people for this, or try to prove that they’ve posted before. I’ve read multiple update posts where the updaters mention that people thought they’d posted a whole lot but were wrong. If you’re tempted to rudely call somebody out, pause and remember that maybe your internet forensics skills just aren’t as good as you think they are.
Anon
I agree rudeness is uncalled for, but my internet forensic skills are actually as good as I think they are. Every time it’s the same person posting twice or I think I recognize a regular poster going anon, I’ve later been proven right. It’s actually really not that hard to recognize someone from their writing.
Anonymous
I mean … congratulations? And?
Anon
Just pointing out that I don’t agree with what OP said.
Anon
Right. Like, is this your big accomplishment for the day? What do you get out of this other than successfully being an a hole to someone who needs help? Do you kick homeless people too?
Anon at 12:03
What you’ve said to me implying I “kick homeless people” is far ruder than anything I’ve ever said here. Did you read the first sentence were I said “rudeness is uncalled for”? I’m just disagreeing with OP that it’s impossible to identify repeated comments.
Anon
How can you be certain that you are right about a regular poster going anon?
Anon
It’s people like this that encourage us staying anon.
Monday
I agree that it’s pointless and sort of mean to say “you keep posting about this stupid logistical issue, get over it.” However, I do think it’s useful to say “you keep posting about this unworkable/unethical thing you’re doing. You’re not going to get our blessings.” Higher-stakes situations are worth calling out. The person is asking for input from the internet, after all.
And as with anything on here, commenters posting under a consistent handle are at least owning what they’re saying.
Vicky Austin
+1
Curious
+1
Aunt Jamesina
Yup
Anon
There’s one poster with young teens who posts difficult-to-decipher questions about college admissions. Her style is unmistakeable.
Anon
And? Scroll past. What gives you jollies about attacking her?
Anon
It’s almost as bad as diagnosing everyone worried about a global pandemic as having anxiety.
Anonymous
This always annoyed me. My family members have cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, auto immune diseases, epilepsy and are prone to blood clots but I’m just paranoid and need therapy!
Curious
While I agree with Monday re: e.g., the poster who was having an affair, I also want to thank you for standing up for kindness in this community.
Jules
+ 1 to this; thank you.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes! Snappy comeback posts don’t do anything to convince anyone.
Anon
Agreed! Also, I’m not here every day and when I see this it makes me worry about posting because what if someone just asked something similar that I didn’t see?
I also once asked a question about a male coworker and got immediately accused of having a crush/being in love with him because I was concerned. I’m not interested in men, so this was extra grating.
Anon
It’s really more about the posters who post the same problem more than once but from a different angle each time, hoping to get a different answer!
Anon
I’ve wondered what it is that makes some people so angry about it. I feel like if someone’s posting multiple times anonymously about something, they’re probably either kind of vulnerable and struggling, or don’t have anyone to talk about it with in real life. This is an anonymous forum and I don’t think there’s any obligation for people to be either 1) outing themselves or consistently posting with the same handle or 2) emotionally all together. I saw it recently where people were kind of attacking that girl posting about the womanizing boyfriend, and it feels like a great example of it. If it is the same person, who cares? Isn’t that even more evidence she might not have anyone to talk to and is a bit vulnerable, and more reason to exercise compassion?
Anon
I think the issue is that it seems really rude when someone posts a question, gets a bunch of thoughtful replies, and then proceeds to ignore them and post a minor variant of the same question again in hopes of getting a different answer. I’ve never actually done this, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to politely call this out when it happens repeatedly, rather than have people waste their time writing responses that will just be ignored. If it’s actually not the same poster, then they can go back to the thread from a few days ago and find a bunch of helpful answers already waiting for them, no harm done.
As several people have commented recently, sometimes it really helps when people call you out on things because it makes you realize that you’re the one who needs to stop deluding yourself about something unpleasant, whether it’s an abusive partner or the fact that your hair is falling out and there isn’t a magical solution. Life is tough sometimes, and I think people here generally mean well when they give critical advice, even if it’s not always pleasant to hear.
Anonymous
Wondering if those in firms have heard of this. I have a friend who is a biglaw paralegal. She says that her firm is requiring paralegals to bill a minimum of 7 hours per day and if they don’t meet 7 then they get charged PTO time for the balance. I asked her if she’s sure they mean billable hours vs recorded hours – can she just record under a non billable code like file review. She says no they mean billable. That can’t be right, can it? She’s hourly not salaried if it matters.
Anon
My Big Law firm had this rule for attorneys, but it was recorded hours not billable. I don’t see how it could be billable hours. You’d be using PTO every time you went to schmooze a client or went to a firm retreat or CLE training, which would obviously be ridiculous. I realize paralegals don’t have those same obligations, but they still have non-billable work that needs to get done. I think she must be misunderstanding this.
Monday
Yikes–I’m not sure she is misunderstanding. I was a Biglaw paralegal in a previous life, and I can imagine this being a policy (though it wasn’t). The firm was more than happy to pay overtime, so my guess would be that on the days she had to schmooze a client, for example, she’s expected to stay late or make it up within the same pay period. My firm hired new college grads who they assumed were happy to work nights and weekends, and we often did.
Anon
I’m not sure why this warranted a “yikes.” I’ve never heard of a policy like this in a law firm and like others I also question whether it would be legal. Expecting a paralegal or attorney to work overtime on nights and weekends is very different than refusing to pay an hourly employee for hours they are working.
Anonymous
Paralegals are non-exempt employees, which means their compensation is governed by entirely different rules from the lawyers. If the requirements are actually as you friend stated, this firm is cruising for a visit from the DOL. Taken literally, it would mean that your friend could spend 15 min entering her time, plus 30 min in a 1:1 with her manager, plus 1 hr of mandatory training — and still have to record 7 hours of billable time on top. What I suspect might be more likely is that the firm is heavily restricting use of non-billable codes without prior approval and is requiring paralegals to record at least 7 hours of time per day — which ends up with a similar practical effect. But there is a whole world of regulation/guidance/etc about when employers need to compensate employees for time when they are “on call” or ready to work. If your friend couldn’t decide to randomly be unavailable for 3 hours in the middle of the workday without manager approval — I think they’d be pushing it not to pay for downtime if there’s not enough billable work to do. Also, if your friend is actually working (e.g., the training or meetings I mentioned above), the firm has to compensate her even if it’s non-billable.
At any rate, I don’t think you should challenge your friend on this — unless you find out she’s working all sorts of non-billable hours and getting docked for PTO. In that case, you might suggest she talk to HR and ask for “clarification” of the policy. What I’m guessing is at play is that firm management thinks paralegals are underutilized (or are being disproportionately used by partners for non-billable work that doesn’t increase revenue), and they’re rolling out a stupid policy rather than actually managing. This would be super stressful for your friend, so let her vent and say “that sucks” if this comes up again.
Monday
But isn’t this done by pay period, not by individual days? Such that the firm could require her to come out with 7 hours billable per day even if these hours were not actually distributed evenly across days, just all accounted for within the pay period? And any non-billable remaining hours would still be paid, just charged to her PTO balance rather than paid as hours worked? PTO balance management isn’t regulated, right? Because PTO is not actually legally required?
It’s awful, but I’m concerned that it could be legal–?
Anon
No none of that is legal. You don’t have to give employees PTO but you can’t force them to use PTO when they were at work.
OP
Yes if she’s correct about the policy I suspect this is a sloppy attempt to manage the work from home environment. There’s a perception at my firm, and I’m sure at hers, that everyone is goofing off all day when they’re wfh. Sounds like management is convinced that people are treating wfh as vacation so they might as well get charged vacation time for it. If she were my paralegal I would tell her to continue to record nonbillable codes and list my name in the description and if anyone in HR has a problem with it then send them to me. Maybe I can finally poach her, ha! I can’t pay you as much but you’ll actually get vacation time!
Anon
That doesn’t seem legal to me!
Anon
This is not legal. If she is non-exempt (sounds like she is) and she is working (billable or not), she must be paid for those hours.
anon
It doesn’t sound legal to me.
I’ve heard the opposite recently. A friend who was a biglaw paralegal left because they were pressuring her to get all of her work done within 40 hours so they didn’t pay overtime. But they consistently gave her more than 40 hours of work, so someone was always unhappy. It didn’t make much sense to me. If the firm is billing more than 1.5 the paralegal’s hourly rate (and of course they are!), then the paralegal’s OT means profit to the firm, even when the partner can’t pass the OT on to a specific file.
Anon
Is a pink work bag inappropriate or childish? I’m interested in getting the Calpak Haven Laptop Tote Bag. I love the pink color, which totally suits me, but I’m not sure if it will come off as unprofessional, juvenile, etc. My other interest is the tan (Birch) color. For some reason, it’s final sale so I won’t be able to return or exchange.
https://www.calpaktravel.com/products/haven-laptop-tote-bag/birch
Monday
Nah, I think that’s fine. If it was nylon with a unicorn print, maybe not.
Anon
This looks like a work bag. The pink also looks pretty neutral to me (I have nothing against Elle Woods pink at work, but you’re not making that statement with this color).
Anon
No, that’s totally fine.
pugsnbourbon
It’s a lovely bag! I’d be worried about dirt if I carried it, but if you already have the birch color I say go for it.
Anon
I think this is a lovely bag. I have a tote in a similar color pink & wouldn’t hesitate to take it to the office.
Anon
Thank you, all! Going to order the pink bag and carry it happily.
Anon
Has anyone ever looked at the Beis Large Work Tote (or any other Beis products)? I’m considering getting one for work since it looks so roomy, but not sure if the vegan leather would look cheap in person.
Anon
https://beistravel.com/products/the-work-tote-in-beige?al_pg_id=f7e12b89-69e4-412b-8f5a-8467e1376674
Anon
I got an over inter bag from them, thought it looked very cheap in person. I was disappointed.
Anon
*an overnight bag
Aunt Jamesina
I bought a straw beach bag from them this summer and it was decent (but not great) quality. I kept it because it was just the right size for what I needed.
Anon
My Nordstrom sells Beis products in the store. They may not have your exact item, but you could possibly look at the materials.
Anon
Need advice on whether to apply for high school financial aid for private high school for our son. We just have one child. I’m a government lawyer so my salary isn’t high and my husband makes less than half what I do. I think we can swing the tuition,30k, but it would be a stretch on our take home pay. I’d probably have to stop funding my 401k. We do have substantial savings though that we could dip into. Is it frowned upon to apply in that situation? A few friends are saying to just apply, but I’m not sure if we’d be eligible.
Anon
Why would it be frowned upon to apply? Definitely apply! Many private schools give some aid to families with decently high incomes, so I don’t see a downside to applying. If you get aid, it’s because the school thinks you need it and you shouldn’t feel guilty. If you aren’t eligible, you won’t get aid and then you will have to figure out how to make this work (personally, I would send my kid to public school before I’d stop funding my 401k but I prioritize retirement above all else, YMMV). But I don’t see a downside here except the time spent on the financial aid paperwork.
Anon
If you’re applying for need-based financial aid, then that looks at your assets (not just your income), so substantial savings would likely mean you aren’t eligible.
If you’re talking merit scholarships etc, then apply away!!!
Anon
It depends on the school. Some have income cutoffs where everyone below X income is eligible for aid.
Anon
i’ve heard to apply and more people end up getting money than you think
Anon
Yes this
Anonymous
You should apply. You might not get it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you do given how you describe the situation.