Coffee Break: Mary Jane Pumps
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These Mary Jane pumps from Valentino are bestsellers at Neiman Marcus, and I like them. I think they'd look particularly great with pants or skirts slightly above the knee (but know your office!).
(Am I the only one who is a bit amazed that Valentino's Rockstud line is still going strong? And I say this as someone who has always liked the look of them!)
In any event: these Mary Jane pumps are lovely, and available in the pictured brown, as well as a “ren butter white.”
The shoes are $1,050, available in sizes 6B-12B; you can also find the white version at My Theresa.
Sales of note for 4/21/25:
- Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
- Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
- Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
- The Fold – 25% off selected lines
- Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
- Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
- J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
- J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
- Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card
Speaking of “recession blonde,” what are other clever ways you have to save money while still feeling luxurious?
Mine are:
1) Drinking fancy tea at home instead of getting coffee out. I like it more and each tea bag is around 20 cents, even for the nicest brands.
2) Making green smoothies at home as a treat. In my city, these are $15 each, but you can DIY for a couple of bucks
3) Cooking fun recipes at home instead of takeout
4) Walking instead of Ubering (I live in a city – in a suburb maybe this would be biking instead of driving)? Saves a couple hundred a month and is such a lovely way to spend time.
5) Working out a lot. I want to ‘glow up,’ but I’m trying to focus on getting super fit versus spending tons of money on new clothes, makeup, balayage etc.
Would love more ideas!
Making my own Matcha Tea and Golden Milk Lattes. Making my own spice blends. Upgrading an Amy’s frozen pizza with pantry ingredients so I don’t miss takeout from the local bougie place. Making my own soba noodle sauce and udon bowls.
noodle salad!
Doing things rather than buying things: weeding my garden and rearranging my house instead of buying plants and new decor, connecting with friends at the library instead of the coffeeshop, going for a walk together instead of meeting for happy hour.
Good ideas. Weeding one’s garden instead of buying plants seems like a lovely metaphor for life, no?
Good one!
Is there something going on with Boden? I’m trying to click on an item that says it’s in stock, but after I click, the message reads “all available products have been added to cart” and nothing has been added to my cart. I’ve refreshed the page multiple times in case it is a stock issue, but it still says it’s in stock, not even a low stock warning. I can add other items just fine.
Sometimes this is a cookies or ad bl o c k er issue – I just had the same thing happen at D i c k s sporting goods. I logged in in an incognito window and it worked then!
Thanks, that worked!
Do you think it would be rude to invite friends out to a birthday dinner at a nice restaurant, with the assumption being that everyone will pay their own way? Should I go for something more low key since we’re heading into a recession?
Perhaps unpopular opinion, but I find it a bit tacky, even though people do it often. A lot of people are struggling and anxious about the economy, so making it cost $50-100 to attend your birthday party is a big ask.
That said, I think a cheaper restaurant where people can get their own tab (not need to split the group bill), or a quieter thing at home would work well if you don’t want to spend a ton on a restaurant bill. The thing that I think poses problems is when folks order wine and apps that everyone has to pay for, so people who are struggling can’t opt out or order something cheap to control their costs.
No, as long as you signal that it will be separate checks in whatever way you find most appropriate for your friend group.
It needs to be stated, not assumed: “Hey, I’m going out to celebrate my birthday at Fancy Place! Would love to have you join me for a no-host celebration! Restaurant will provide separate checks.”
And then make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to the venue that each person (or couple or whatever) is to have separate checks so nobody gets stuck with paying for stuff they didn’t order.
And also, after typing this all out it does seem like something more low key that you can host (or at least that costs your guests less) would be more appropriate.
And obviously they’re not your “guests” if they’re paying their own way. And some people might feel like they should bring a gift, and… yeah, no.
I agree with all of this.
I agree with all of this. Also – check that the restaurant actually does do separate checks for each patron. Many won’t, especially for more than two people. A single bill that gets split equally is a no-go for an event like this, since it’s unfair to folks who are trying to be frugal.
I agree with Senior Attorney’s approach if you’re doing it this way.
That said, I really don’t like the custom of inviting people to celebrate an occasion and pay their own way (or worse, pay a proportional share of the total bill over which they have no control). I am more likely to decline. I’d rather everyone just entertain according to their budget rather than try to have more expensive parties by putting the costs on the guests.
An inexpensive party at someone’s house or the park is way more hospitable and lovely.
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s like doing a hotel buyout for a wedding and mandating guests stay at the overpriced hotel. Offloading the costs of an event onto guests is tacky. Just host an event you can afford and treat your guests as guests.
This depends on your friend group. A small group of friends who do this for everyone in the group’s birthday? Not tacky. A bigger group made up of folks from different walks of life, where it’s not like you’re going to be reciprocating for everyone or having a chance to spend quality time with folks? Borders on tacky to me.
This.
I think this would be less weird if you didn’t make it about your birthday, just “let’s all get together!”
Unless everyone in your friend group has disposable income, I vote no. Either do a bar where everyone picks up their own tab (and can nurse a beer or a glass of wine if on a budget) or go out to a pizza place.
unless this is absolutely understood and normal in your circle, proceed with caution. I’d probably invite people with something like “I’ve been wanting to go to X to celebrate my birthday on (date)! While I can’t treat the group, I’d love to coordinate a dinner reservation for anyone who’d like to join. Could you let me know by Y date if you’re in?”
It’s only because of the internet that I know this isn’t assumed. Idk if it’s a class thing or geographical or age? In my circles, it’s always been assumed everyone will pay their own way. As we’ve gotten older (40), it’s now a nice surprise if the birthday girl pays for everyone, but it’s never expected. I hosted and paid for a milestone birthday outing (with party bus, drinks, food, activity) for my husband and friends, and some friends were beside themselves that I wouldn’t take their money. They tipped the party bus driver, which was very nice of them and meant the driver got an awesome tip.
Usually the “host”/organizer will pay on her card and everyone venmos her for whatever they ordered. My current group is really good about covering themselves and then some. I’ve had other groups where that didn’t work out as well and you’d have to be sure to pick somewhere that does separate checks.
Agreed. Things like this have always been assumed to be pay your own way in both my life and my parents’ social circle.
It would never occur to me that the birthday woman would pay for a group dinner. In fact, I’ve never been to a birthday meal where the host paid!
Wait to turn 40, that’s the tipping point where birthday girl hosts v has her friends take her out.
My friend group does a similar party v. dinner distinction. If you throw a party, complete with a private room and pre-set menu or party bus, then host is paying by default. More casual, let’s all go out for dinner on my birthday is group splits the check for the birthday person. We are also a group that usually just throws credit cards in the pot and calls it a day to split checks.
In my group we tend to split the bill (number of people – 1) ways so that everyone pays for a share of birthday girl’s way.
This is easier, OP, if you can get a friend to invite everyone. “Let’s take Jolene out for a birthday dinner at Chez Dolly on 5/5/2025!”
This would be tacky in my circle. Middle class folks in a HCOL city making approximately the same 100kish salaries.
Depends on what mean by a nice restaurant.
If you mean fancy, expensive, several courses or set menu expected, wine package expected – yes, I think it’s rude. Those kinds of restaurants are better suited for a different occasion or a smaller group that explicitly prioritises these kinds of experiences as a hobby.
Like commenter above, be extremely clear with restaurant that separate checks is expected. If they don’t do it on the night, you are the one who has to pay and get individual payment by venmo.
I do go to these things, but I always wish that something more lowkey was chosen.
I generally assume that everyone would pay their way depending on the phrasing of the invitation, but being extra clear in the invite or a follow up text (as other commenters have suggested) feels like a good way to avert any confusion.
I have a small group of friends where the birthday girl invites us to a restaurant and then we end up splitting the tab in a way that picks up the birthday girl’s meal, which is the expectation, but sometimes there are just two or three of us who pay for that part and we don’t know until after the meal how it is going to break down (e.g., someone announces ‘I already took X out for her birthday, so everyone knows’ at the end of the meal, or someone just covers herself). Also, we don’t celebrate my birthday this way because I don’t want to and because it is at the new year and everyone is broke, sober, and dieting then (though there is usually lip service to doing it weeks later). I am truly fine with it now that I know how it is going to go and have disposable income but it was uncomfortable when there was not clarity and it still feels “off” as a concept.
Tacky AF. Go smaller like pizza or something but do not expect people to pay to attend your party.
Help me plan Easter dinner. I’ve hosted before but drawing blanks to the point where it may be “girl lunch” vs a meal for all.
On the menu:
deviled eggs
country ham (the really salty kind; served cold)
spiral sliced ham (served hot)
good biscuits
brown & serve rolls because not everyone eats biscuits
a dessert of some sort (although there will also be plenty of Easter candy)
We are southern. I am not sure what I’m missing — some white meat? A vegetable?
You’re missing sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on top.
Not for Easter! Thanksgiving only 😉
Girl, we do sweet potato casserole year round here, haha. I guess we might do candied yams in the spring!
I don’t think you need two types of ham. I also love entertaining and can’t say as I’ve ever seen such except at a restaurant buffet.
Asparagus, peas, and carrots are traditional Easter veggies. Along with some sort of potato in my family – mashed, gratin, twice baked.
But if you are having not-southern people to Easter, I feel like they will eat the spiral-sliced ham and may be unfamiliar with country ham (which IMO is what goes with the biscuits — fancy fluffy ones vs the flat disks of hard flour).
Potatoes always get eaten.
Peas + asparagus + chuck some of that country ham in green beans and simmer away.
One of my friends tried finding country ham in NYC. It quickly became apparent people did not know what country ham was.
Why do people eat country ham? It is basically a salt lick.
We didn’t always have refrigeration and it’s just what people did. Folkways and such. I love it and a good biscuit. And bacon — bring me all the salty pork.
You definitely need some vegetables! Asparagus? And a salad? I’d personally go for a different carby side (potato salad? An herby rice pilaf? A bean or pasta salad?) rather than both biscuits and rolls, but if you know your guests really like bread, then go for it.
um yes vegetables! Salad and a hot veg (I like green beans with almonds at Easter). And probably a fancy potato dish like scalloped potatoes; I always skip rolls at nice meals as a waste of stomach volume. I loathe marshmallow topping as too fake-sweet, but would gobble up sweet potatoes with just the brown sugar.
In my family, half the time the rolls get put in the oven to warm right before we eat and then we forget to even bring them to the table. Even when we do, I never eat them, for the same reason. If it were up to me, I’d skip them altogether. I’m a big bread person generally, but plain rolls just aren’t that appealing to me.
Sauteed spinach?
I would add mac n cheese because why not? Also asparagus and peas are traditional spring veggies. Or a nice light salad.
You need a cold vegetable dish with a tangy sauce or dressing to contrast with the salty, fatty meats. Chilled asparagus with mustard sauce, green bean salad with mustard vinaigrette, or a salad of shaved brussels sprouts would fit the bill.
I am confused as to why you would serve two types of ham instead of one type of ham plus turkey.
We don’t turkey for Easter.
Ham or lamb. Probably ham.
Respectfully,
A Southerner
Two hams?
Yep. They each have their fan base.
In place of biscuits and rolls, I’d do homemade Parker House rolls. They are worth the tummy space and are good for making little sandwiches with the ham. The old Fannie Farmer recipe with shortening is foolproof.
Family easter dinner isn’t complete without potato salad, jello fluff (green or red, no other options allowed but you also can’t disclose for anything whether it is lime or pistachio, watermelon or strawberry), and a dish of little gherkins.
Gherkins! I haven’t had them on my last few tables – just not thinking, I guess – and you just reminded me of all my family holidays growing up :)
I do not understand people who would eat rolls but not biscuits.
Confession: I’m southern and I don’t like biscuits. But I’ll eat the heck out of some Parker House rolls!
I’m here to eat any single-serving baked goods anybody doesn’t want…
I have strong thoughts that rolls (with any dinner), biscuits (with certain meals, same for cornbread) and scones (for tea/breakfast) are not interchangeable. But, then I always have opinions on carb pairings.
You’ve got two salty hams and two bland white carbs. You need a fresh salad or a bright vegetable. Roasted asparagus would be easy. And I think two kinds of ham is silly unless you’re also doing lots of other sides. If there are going to be 7 items total two shouldnt be hams.
This response made me giggle. The two hams, with very little else, is so funny to me.
Green beans
Layer salad
Potato salad
Also, you can turn the deviled eggs into a relish tray with the addition of pickled okra and carrot sticks.
You need at minimum a vegetable and a salad.
Where I live Easter dinner would be roast leg of lamb with veg and gravy.
I want to be invited to this! It sounds so good! I’ll be my lovely Italian American aunt’s house. There will somehow be lamb and manicotti
Since you said you are Southern … https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIOpPpns9Zf/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
That was great!
Any time someone says ham and Easter I suggest Martha Stewart’s spinach gratin, because it is a perfect side for ham and a crowd pleaser.
You definitely need some vegetable, and asparagus and peas are also great choices, as is a green salad for something lighter. But the gratin is *chef’s kiss* here.
I personally would make a mac and cheese or corn soufflé. Maybe a broccoli cheese casserole or a squash casserole. You could also just roast some carrots.
Easter means carrot cake to me but you could make a hummingbird cake or pound cake. Depending on where you are, it is strawberry season.
Scalloped/au gratin potatoes are de rigeur at my family’s easter tables.
sliced strawberries with whipped cream and/or Greek yogurt
Asparagus drizzled with olive oil and roasted, sprinkled with parmesan or romano
macaroni and cheese
A green, leafy salad with mustard/lemon dressing
Potato salad
Enjoy!
I’m doing an ouit the same minus the rolls plus au gratin potatoes and asparagus with garlic lemon dijonnaise sauce, and a salad.
Help! I’m an experienced in house counsel and work very closely with another senior lawyer on a shared set of responsibilities supporting a subset of our organization (private enterprise SaaS company). We are peers and report to the same manager. He has fully delegated management of this area to us and doesn’t see most of our work product/interactions/calls. I’m 20+ years out of law school, and she’s probably 35+ years out. I really enjoy her personality, and we collaborate well on legal issues.
She’s ridiculously bad with technology and process. Everything from hardware issues (laptop replaced twice in the last year) to challenges understanding tech-based processes (e.g., she repeatedly manually edits a field on a document that’s supposed to be automated, which messes up our contract repository, or she gives extremely convoluted (wrong) instructions to the business team) to more absent minded issues like making edits in our shared templates rather than saving a new file.
How do I handle bringing up the tech-based process issues with her? She’s sensitive to the stereotype of an older worker not keeping up with tech, and probably 10% of the time the issues are due to problems with the technology rather than her. (And, of course, sometimes I make mistakes too.) We can’t divide responsibilities in a way that her mistakes and bad instructions don’t affect me. I don’t want to bring in our manager because I haven’t spoken to her directly about the global problem. I certainly don’t want to take on all responsibility for the processes and miss out on the legal/strategic work. Am I doomed to tactfully follow up with confused business owners and always be the person selected for user testing when ops rolls out new systems?
On the fields and templates – isn’t there a feature where you can block those from being edited? Like just have a drop-down menu for the field, and require the template to be saved as a new doc to be editable?
What kind of instructions does the business team need?
Thanks for responding. Re-reading my question, I realized that my real issue is the amount of non-legal, operational work we’re doing. That is a problem I need to continue to push my manager to solve. Classic “don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
This may be counterintuitive but if she is less savvy than you are, she should be the test user for new systems roll outs. If they survive her, they should be fine for the larger audience.
Agree with making form fields locked so they only accept choices from the list, and shared templates uneditable whenever possible. For the instructions, are they standard enough that you can prepare a repository of pre-baked topics she can pull from? Like an internal wiki that she can download from or link to but not edit?
I posted a month ago or so about my boyfriend’s friend’s bachelor party that I was nervous about because the group includes some pretty sleazy guys. Boyfriend had said that he would never go to a strip club or do anything disrespectful. He also insisted that “think the groom would ever do that his fiance … also I don’t think the groom would even want to go – it’s so weird and sleazy.”
At a hangout, my boyfriend asked the groom directly if there would be, and the friend said “Of course!” making it clear the bulk of the nightlife would be spent around this. My boyfriend told him he wouldn’t be participating in that, out of respect for me. The groom started telling him “You can’t do that. Bro. What, are you going to go to a bar by yourself instead?” and tried to pester him into agreeing to go, saying it would ruin the trip if he didn’t. Another guy who’s married but won’t be going on the trip said “I wouldn’t go either – I think my wife would feel weird about it.”
Anyway, boyfriend doesn’t want to go and thinks it would be disrespectful to me, but I don’t want him to have to miss out on hanging out with his friends, especially if every night of the trip will be centered on this. I also doubt this is the last of the peer pressure he’ll receive, and I worry they are going to call me controlling or domineering or prudish etc. I trust my boyfriend and if he asked me to go I’d say he could, but it would also give me the ick and gross me out a bit to think of him with this group of guys at that sort of place every night. There’s 10 other guys and I’m worried he’ll be the only one not participating, even though most are coupled up. Am I being out of line for feeling uncomfortable / are we being prudish as a couple?
You’re overthinking it. Your BF said he’s not comfortable going. He’s not going. The groom is a slimeball. Why do you even care what he thinks of you?
Yup. This seems like a good outcome for you and your relationship; who cares what this sleazy groom thinks.
Agreed. First you’re worried he’ll go… and now you’re worried he’s not going to go? Be happy that he prefers non-sleazeball getaways and said as much!
This exactly. The type of fitness your BF has now are the type of people who will fade out of his life as he matures.
I don’t know what the issue is. He doesn’t want to go. Yes, these guys will blame you, but there’s no way around that. Even if he went and participated in every activity, the dudes would keep pushing him to go farther and farther, taunting him about how you are controlling him.
The issue is OP is possibly the most insecure person to have ever been in a relationship.
That is interesting, because the fact he said something to the groom makes me think otherwise.
I say thank your boyfriend for the gift of respecting you and your relationship. Together, plan a fun weekend for the two of you to spend together instead – perhaps with other friends who aren’t going to this event.
They may call you prudish or controlling or whatever. The other women in these men’s lives may appreciate you both setting an example and showing that it’s okay not to do things one or both of you is not comfortable with.
Don’t cave to what may or may not be peer pressure in this situation.
Omg why are you making this a problem. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to go. So he shouldn’t.
Right, I don’t know what you want. There’s no version of this where he attends, the groom respects his boundaries, he has fun, and you feel comfortable. Your boyfriend said he wants to skip it so let him.
+10000000000000
This, all day. Take the win.
Yeah. I’m one of the folks who weighed in saying to trust your boyfriend and confirm what the activities actually would be. Now that he knows, he should just beg off. Whether he uses you as the reason or not shouldn’t matter. An actual friend would respect that he’s not comfortable with it (just like I wouldn’t give a vegetarian grief about not wanting to attend a dinner at a Brazilian steak house even if they were only ordering a salad). It’s an issue of respecting someone’s beliefs and values. That trumps a celebration, especially when there are a million other ways to celebrate and sleazy friend has made it clear that those options aren’t on the board.
This is causing you both a lot of stress, and for what benefit? Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like the groom or his idea of a good time, so why is he even going at this point?!
Girl, you can’t control what a group of sleazyballs thinks about you. Just let it go.
That should’ve said “sleazeballs” but I’m okay with “sleazyballs.” LOL.
He doesn’t want to go and his married friend doesn’t want to go. So don’t go. If the groom drops him over this, then the groom was never a good friend. Stop worrying.
Strip clubs in more economically challenged crime filled countries are an extra level of ick. Who knows if those girls are there by choice or not?
Why do you care if this gross group of friends calls you prudish or controlling? I’d be hoping my boyfriend would start hanging out with better people, not worrying about whether he’s going to miss out on hanging out with friends who are bad people. Is there something really special about these friendships that I’m missing?
It sounds like these are not great friends, even if they once were. Your bf doesn’t want to go; you don’t want him to go; so how about he doesn’t go?
Does he know the other married friend who’s not going? Maybe he calls him and they play a round of golf and catch up or something instead of this dumb trip
My god, you care way too much about what other people think about your relationship.
This. Your boyfriend is an adult. His decision whether or not to go is his alone. He is choosing to take his relationship with you into account in his decision-making, but this is fundamentally between your boyfriend and his friends, it’s Not About You.
I agree with this. It sounds like she’s so focused on controlling what he does that she’s lost sight of the fact that he’s an independent person who is capable of making his own decisions.
Sounds like you don’t want to go, and he doesn’t want to go, so you’re aligned on this. Respect his decision, which is also what you wanted! No one else matters. He will probably not be friends with these people in ten years and their opinions will not undermine your relationship. If he cares more what they think than what you think (Which it sounds like… he doesn’t?) he wasn’t meant for you anyway.
Ugh, that was supposed to say “you don’t want him to go”
I am confused. You want to push your boyfriend to go on a trip he doesn’t want to go on, just so a bunch of sleazeballs won’t think you’re controlling? That’s not very respectful to your boyfriend and his preferences.
But also she really doesn’t want him to go!
I interpreted it as she had a huge freak out and he now doesn’t want to go because of her reaction. I don’t know what he wants.
OP here – no freak out on my part. I even told him he could go, but he was insistent that the other guys weren’t going to propose that and that he’d never want to since it’s a gross vibe. The conversations beforehand were basically me saying “of course this group of guys is going to go to strip clubs” and him saying “they would NEVER do that – I can’t imagine them doing that to their partners.” By the time I got confirmation that they would be, it was in the context of my boyfriend telling me that he told the groom it was a no-go for him out of respect for me and the groom got upset about it. There wouldn’t have been space to ‘freak out’ at him since he never gave any indication he’d want to go – only ever said that he couldn’t imagine the friends going.
This is a general comment – not specific to the trip here.
The fact that he is making a decision out of respect to you speaks volumes about how he views you. I would consider you to also think about making sure that you are also taking into account his viewpoints when making decisions.
OP here – Thank you for this comment. Reading these responses has made me realize I am being very insecure and overthinking in this, in addition treading too much into his side of the street. I trust him fully and I need to lean out and give him more space to be his own person without me trying to control things.
This is the kind of story that makes me — a washed-up forty-something — realize how unimportant so much stuff I worried a lot about in my 20s actually is. You are a very lucky woman if this problem gets prime real estate in your head.
Let’s not. I’m sure you meant this in a helpful way but it comes off as dismissive. Friendgroup dynamics as we get older and partner up can be a source of very legitimate pain.
I ended an engagement in part because he let his nasty friends talk ish about me behind my back. The whole thing snowballed until one of them drunkenly cornered me screaming spittle, waving his arms around, throwing things in frustration. One of the things hit me and left a big cut on my leg that probably required stitches but I was too shaken to get to the ER that night (and wasn’t calling an ambulance for a cut). The rest of his friends just stood there awkwardly while it happened and later denied they were there. Fiance was in the bathroom and says he didn’t hear anything… which I’m skeptical about to this day. I refused to be around any of them again or invite them to the wedding; he didn’t want to give up his BFFs from diapers. Everyone was over 30 at the time. Toxic friend groups can destroy your relationship, they’re not something to be hand waved away as some youthful non-issue.
Except this clearly is a non-issue because BF is siding with OP and doesn’t want to go. It’s not at all the same situation as you describe.
That is charitable of you, but I actually did mean it as dismissive for exactly the reason 4:46 pointed out. OP got the outcome she said she wanted, which is that her boyfriend isn’t going to strip clubs with his sleazy friends. And instead of taking the W and moving on with her life, she’s now worried that the friends her boyfriend doesn’t even want to hang out with will perceive her as prudish. This is a manufactured problem!
Exactly!
OP here and I agree with you lol. Thank you for the reality check.
Thanks for being a good sport, OP! I meant it as dismissive but with love, if that’s a thing. We’ve all manufactured problems; it’s a rite of passage, not a character flaw.
I find it really hard to disentangle your views from your boyfriend’s views, which (for me) makes it harder to give advice. I did try to go back to your previous post but couldn’t find it.
Look – bottom line is either you trust him or you don’t. If you trust him, there is no reason he can’t go to a strip club or whatever with this group for a bachelor party. If you don’t trust him, then I would argue that you’ve got bigger issues than this event and that perhaps those issues should be dealt with before moving forward.
You’ve mentioned that he’s uncomfortable going because of you – which, to me implies that you’ve made a big deal of this and he doesn’t want to upset you. To me, that’s a you issue (not a him issue). I can’t really figure out how he actually feels. If you didn’t exist, what would he do? If he would go, then I feel you’re being pretty controlling (and not in a good way).
If he wants to go and go with them to strip clubs, then I would encourage you to have a frank conversation about what is and isn’t appropriate within the confines of your relationship. Then you have to trust him. Full stop. If he doesn’t want to go (because HE doesn’t want to), then you can support that decision.
To me, you’re being both prudish and a little hysterical. I say this as a cis woman who has been to many strip clubs in my life. But I’m fairly s e x positive and believe in honest and open conversations around these issues. I recognize that not everyone shares these morals – that’s just what I think.
Strip clubs are hella exploitative. In university a few of my friends were strippers and I occasionally picked up coat check shifts at one, there was soooo much abuse going on supporting them certainly isn’t s*x positive.
Yeah, I mean if you go to the r/stripper subreddit, it takes only a few minutes to see the very dark underbelly. Most women are available for ‘extras’ or ‘full service,’ victims of SA are punished, and the strippers themselves don’t think married or partnered men have any business being in the clubs. I think it’s farcical to act like it’s something it’s not.
Not all of them are. I also have friends who were/are strippers and they had a different experience from what you’re recounting. Like all things, the experience of s e x work is not a monolith.
I implore you to ask your friends if they’ve been assaulted or r@ped then.
“Not all,” but most. The same with anything. If a bag of skittles is 80% cyanide laced, I’d avoid the bag of skittles all together.
I have friends who have worked in all aspects of the industry, including p o r n. I am also aware of the aspects of s e x trafficking that are also in the mix. I would argue for making s e x work safe for all, rather than treating the industry like a monolith.
S e x tourism abroad is not likely to be best case scenario.
To 5:47 anon – I didn’t realize the trip was international. (I couldn’t find the OG post). I agree with you on that – totally different ballgame there. Also, to be clear, I am for safe s e x work and legal s e x work that affords those workers safety.
My suggestions for navigating the relationship remain the same. I do see some trust issues as well as an inability to see the boyfriend as a separate entity who can make his own decisions. But those are things that can be worked on.
I thought of this whole weird issue when my bf went on a boys’ trip a few weeks ago. 18 guys in New Orleans, most of them married or in long-term relationships. They went to strip clubs every.single.night. My bf isn’t in to strip clubs, so after a while he’d get bored and go on a wander and call me while he did his side quests (checked out a fun dance club, got a drunken massage, read a book in his room). While he was at the clubs he just sat towards the back and declined lap dances or anything that involved the strippers – it wasn’t about me, he just wasn’t into it.
The reason I thought about you and this whole chat was how many women on here freaked out about the thought of their partner going to a strip club. And then I wondered how many of the married guys on this trip weren’t telling their wives because their behavior would have been frowned upon, like many exhibited here. I’d much rather have an open and honest conversation with my bf who never feels like he has to hide anything from me. Guys go to strip clubs, some guys are more into it than others, and it’s a thing that happens and generally has nothing to do with their wives or girlfriends. As long as my partner isn’t doing something inappropriate with a dancer, who cares? It’s not a reflection on me or our relationship and regardless of your individual thoughts on whether strip clubs are icky or bad for women, I couldn’t imagine forcing my partner to forego an activity that all of his friends were doing or that he wanted to do because of my feelings. Best case scenario he might resent you a little for missing out on something and worst case scenario he just decides to lie to you about the things you’re not ok with. Or you could just trust your partner to make decisions on his own with appropriate boundaries (like no s *x with a stripper is an obvious one).
Eh, counterpoint: I think it’s icky your boyfriend went to a strip club every night in New Orleans, and I were your friend would probably judge your relationship for it. Sounds very bro-y and an 18 guy trip focused on s-work is, to me, embarrassing and cringey. Different strokes for different folks.
Super interesting how your last statement is all about accepting that others have different values and then the rest of your post is how you’re judging them for those values.
No, the last line is saying people have different preferences. It doesn’t mean I don’t look at people differently depending on what they think or do.
This is so culturally foreign to me (including the boys’ trip part) that it’s strange to hear it described as just something guys just do.
To me it’s something a certain kind of guy does, and there’s a lot that comes with it that I don’t want any part of either.
And it does make me wonder what other behavior towards women is accepted in a friend group.
I couldn’t agree more. The idea of going to strip clubs every night seems bizarre to me, and though I believe a ‘certain type of guy’ would do this, I’d be extremely put off. I feel regionally there is more ‘boys will be boys’ type of attitude and assumption that all men are pigs. The result is women act like strip clubs or wandering eyes etc are just a part of the package, and the bar for them is extremely low.
At least the bikers I know bring their SOs with them to the strip club.
When it’s “boys will be boys” stuff, I always wonder have to which guy is the one that everyone makes excuses for and stays friends with even after the incident with the unconscious woman or the incident with the teen or whatever it was, because it seems like there’s always one. Just no thank you.
I’m sure a nonzero amount of men on that 18 guy trip were unfaithful in some way to their partners. But at least this poster is a ‘cool girl’ who is much more open and not nagging like those other women who deserved to be lied to because of how uncool and controlling they are.
You guys project way too much.
I don’t think my husband has ever gone to strip clubs multiple nights in a row, at least since we’ve been together, but I do know he’s gone with his friends occasionally because… he tells me. I’m not saying this reflects well on him or his friends, but I am fully aware that they occasionally detour by a strip club in the sticks on the way to his friend’s hunting lodge when a group goes for the weekend, that the group is generally are unimpressed with the attractiveness of the strippers there, and I believe my husband that he just kind of watches and laughs, doesn’t let anyone touch him because they’re kinda gross, and a couple of his friends are really into lap dances which is a running joke in the group. It just is what it is. I trust my husband, and I told him as much when I first learned about the rural strip joint. Same thing when he went with friends to Vegas, or Toronto, or anywhere else.
He never “asks permission” or gives me a full itinerary because he’s a grown man. And I would never tell him he’s not “allowed to” do something for the same reason.
My husband occasionally will tell me about some invitation that he’s not keen on. And sometimes (with annoying people who will likely try to badger him into going along) he absolutely uses me as an excuse. Wife said no. That’s not how we operate as a couple, but if you’re dealing with people who genuinely talk about ball and chain bs, you can use their thinking to your advantage. I’m happy to be the bad guy if it helps.
Are there any jobs that would be a good fit for a former Big Law lawyer who has let their license lapse so isn’t a lawyer but has the background and knowledge for it? My SAHM friend is starting to look because her husband got laid off; she lives in a different state now than where she used to practice so getting a new license isn’t feasible.
Has she looked at reciprocity?
Reciprocity isn’t going to work if you don’t have an active license anywhere. One way or another she’s going to have to take the bar and it might as well be new state’s.
Couldn’t she renew her lapsed license in the original state?
It sounds like it’s been way too long for that. In my state you only have 3 years before you have to take the bar again.
It’s different if you go on “inactive status” and pay an annual fee to maintain it. Then you can switch back to active at any time, maybe with some extra CLE catch-up. But it sounds like her license fully lapsed, not just that she let it go inactive.
Every state has a process by which an attorney whose license has recently lapsed can “get right” with the bar. That process usually doesn’t involve retaking the bar. (It always involves forking over an extortionate amount of money). Easiest path is probably getting right with the state she’s barred in and then exploring reciprocity. The details will, of course, matter.
She could take the bar in the new state. If she’s already licensed she’s not going to need the full $$$ Barbri course, she could just get the books and study.
I wouldn’t even bother. So few firms are willing to look at someone who has taken time off to be a SAHM. If she’s looking because her husband got laid off she needs a job sooner rather than later; why waste time trying to get re-licensed just for firms to ignore her resume? Once you’re out of that world it’s very, very hard to get back in. She should be looking at JD-preferred jobs.
I don’t know the rules about going active from inactive, or if your friend would otherwise meet requirements for reciprocity, but JD-preferred roles are code for “went to law school but not barred” – often found in compliance or privacy type roles.
I’m aware of some BigLaw firms hiring lawyers who don’t want to practice to be business development people for the firm.
She let her license lapse and has been out of the game. I doubt she is an attractive candidate for this.
Option 1: she gets barred in her old state and then has options in her new state. Even if she can’t get reciprocity, she is usually eligible for in-house counsel registration or similar.
Option 2: compliance, contract management, any other JD-preferred role. Consider as well roles in nonprofit management or higher ed.
Option 3: some places just want you to be barred in any state.
My organization just hired a JD for a specialty in-house paralegal role.
She could be barred in the jurisdiction where she is, even if it meant taking a bar exam. Desperate times, desperate measures!
– compliance roles at banks are JD preferred and often require no experience. I have a bunch of friends who are happy in this space. A lot of wfh opportunities, good benefits, bankers hours.
– various staff roles in large firms, like knowledge management or business development or recruiting
– various roles, largely sales, at litigation services shops like ediscovery and jury consulting
– hr has a lot of jd preferred opportunities but I think you need relevant experience
contracts management and compliance roles could be options
Look at you state bar association for running / organizing continuing education classes
I need a Mary Jane because for a shoe to fit over my bunions, it’s too loose elsewhere. But this strap wouldn’t hold my foot in. Why????
It’s a design element, not a functional element. It appears to be a design element you do not prefer, on a shoe that would not be functional for you, so you should not buy the shoes.
I don’t love this version, but I have seen variations of this design that I do like and would consider purchasing, since most shoes function for me
I thought that NJ was a pretty progressive state. But WHY has it refused for generations to put fluoride in the water? A conspiracy of dentists to have a state will millions of crumbling teeth can’t be the answer. But everyone has to take nasty vitamins as kids or pay for it as an adult.
Because most of NJ’s natural water supply already has sufficient fluoride
They also don’t let you pump your own gas. They’re just weirdos.
This.
Jug handles
A) I think the public health evidence for flouridated water is pretty strong, and states+cities should do it
B) I grew up with non flouridated water and we just got chewable, kid-oriented flouride tablets. I think they came in grape and orange, and weren’t nasty. So if you’re worried about your kid, supplementing doesn’t need to be a huge deal
I have fluorosis from growing up in NJ. Our water already had fluoride and the pediatrician told my parents to give me more. It is a lifelong problem that impacts the coloration of my teeth. I finally got veneers a few years ago and it’s been life changing.
That’s not a fluoride in the water problem, though.
It can be. I dated a guy in college from Wyoming, and their water naturally had so much fluoride that his teeth were spotted.
That’s actually how they first discovered in 1901 that fluoride worked on teeth: people in some Colorado town had discolored teeth but no cavities.
I’m the person you’re responding to, and yes it was in my case. The state (city? County? Whatever) used to send my parents a notice about the high fluoride levels in the water. Idk why the pediatrician thought I needed more but here we are.
I have a similar problem.
Probably because excessive fluoride exposure is neurotoxic and kids already get a ton in toothpaste, sometimes way too much.
I have never heard of that. Maybe if you eat toothpaste? But it doesn’t even taste good.
Well my toddler strongly disagrees that it doesn’t taste good, haha. We have to ration her!
Very young kids are supposed to use a grain of rice sized dollop but most do more than that.
Very young kids shouldn’t be brushing their teeth unsupervised.
And that’s why the fine print says something about supervising kids and making sure they spit it out. Yes, some unscrupulous nut jobs are putting forth all kinds of misinfo about flouride right now, but pretending there’s absolutely no downsides, more flouride more better isn’t the way.
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41405-024-00187-7
Kids do not get a “ton” of fluoride in toothpaste. You use a small amount of toothpaste for kids, especially little kids, and you spit it out. There are also plenty of fluoride free options if you’re worried about it.
California is one of the most liberal states but one of the least likely to fluoridate water. Less than 60% of Californian get fluoridated water.
Does anyone have restaurant recs in Florence? Looking for a good, not too touristy dinner
We really loved Antico Ristorante Paoli. It’s one of the oldest restaurants in Florence so there will be a lot of tourists, but it was a great dinner and a great experience.
I loved Osteria Pastella, the pasta in a cheesewheel place. It is touristy in the sense that it’s a popular recommendation on blogs and Yelp, but not touristy in the sense that it’s filled with non-Italians. We were there in March though and didn’t see that many tourists in general.
I still think about the pear ravioli at Trattoria Da Garibaldi.
Trattoria 4 Leoni with two bonus recs for a pre- or post-dinner drink: Le Volpi e l’Uva (divine wine list) or go to the wine window on Via Spirito Santo near the intersection with Via dei Serragli (just a fun experience).
I second Trattoria 4 Leoni. We went for lunch after a morning at the Pitti Palace and gardens. It’s certainly popular with tourists- but I wouldn’t call it touristy, and the food was great.
Gosh that’s a place I went 25 years ago and always think of recommending but don’t because 25 years ago. Glad it’s still there and great! I loved it.
Trattoria Zaza. Been a few years but we had such great lunch there- fun, relaxed and would have ordered the entire menu