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Updated: Sep 18, 2023 253 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Varetta Admiral Crepe Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A woman wearing a black dress and black sandals and carrying a black bag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I firmly believe that a black sheath dress with sleeves is a necessity for any working woman. If you find one that you love, you’ve got a full outfit hanging in your closet, ready to go for any formal occasion — important meetings, after-work events, funerals, speaking engagements, etc. (Lawyers, I would still add a blazer for court, but that’s about it.)

This dress from Theory is $375 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 0–12.

A couple of options that are more affordable come from Alexia Admor (on sale for $89.99, XS–XL) and London Times (on sale for $49.97, 14W–22W).

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Breakup

    Hello – I am the poster that shared about being on a break from the man I had been seeing for 4 years and asked for advice and encouragement. Thanks to all who shared supportive advice and encouragement. I decided to take my power back and end things for good. While I have remained friends with other exs (including my ex husband) I’m cutting off all contact so I can fully heal. I’ve made sure to have fun things to look forward to and to let my friends and family be there for me. I’ve been journaling every morning and evening and really letting myself feel the full range of emotions. I’m keeping a running list on my phone of all the reasons why the break is good and I’m up to 36 reasons. I refer back to that when I need strength. I know the only way out is through. Wishing everyone strength and love today!

    • anon

      Well done. It has to be painful and heartbreaking, but you will be so much better off in the long run. Good for you for doing everything you need to do to heal!

    • Monday

      Good for you! Your future self will be so grateful for what you are doing now.

    • Anon

      You are amazing.

      Thank you for sharing your process with us. It is great.

      Wishing you the best .

    • Anon

      I hope it’s OK to say I’m proud of you.

      I promise that 6 months from now you will feel so much better, and a year from now you will wonder why you waited so long.

      Hugs from someone who has been there.

      • Breakup

        Thank you for this and all the others who have responded. This is so hard and painful. I love the point about my future self being grateful I took this step and I’m really leaning into that. I can feel the warm wishes and support!

  2. anon

    I have a black blazer that’s basically like this: https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/bcbgmaxazria-cape-jacket?ID=4275512&pla_country=US&cm_mmc=Google-PLA-ADC-_-Strategic+Product+Support+-+Manual-_-Contemporary+RTW+Collections-_-195054733704USA-_-go_cmp-16286412131_adg-133005094945_ad-583173115178_pla-1634536989243_dev-c_ext-_prd-195054733704USA&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw6p-oBhAYEiwAgg2PgvAv-Yzh8QP-VI-FuSOiQMQjxa0DvPasY9rio7dlzp2MqBDeb1IbmRoCFyEQAvD_BwE

    How would you style it? I’ve had it a while and the ways I used to style it now don’t look quite right to me.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I love this look. For fun, I’d pair it with leather leggings. For work, a pair of slim cut, slightly cropped pants, with a bootie and turtleneck.

    • Anonymous

      Cigarette pants or jeans. Google image search “cape blazer” and you’ll see lots of cute outfits with this style.

    • Cat

      I think this is easy to pair with skinny pants due to the volume up top, which is maybe why with current pant trends this is feeling harder to style?

      -For dressy – over a slim evening gown
      -For trendy dinner – play around with shorter bottoms? A mini or shorts?
      -For work – idk a cape jacket says “play” to me but maybe over a sheath?

  3. Anonymous

    I keep reading that moto boots are back, but I can’t find any photos of how to style them in 2023. If skinny jeans are out, then it seems that the only options are skirts and dresses. Has anyone seen moto boots in the wild? I would love to break out my old Frye moto boots but don’t want to look dated.

  4. anon

    I have a dear friend who loves to throw theme parties a few times a year. Often, the theme is highly specific and requires buying clothing I don’t actually want to own or store. The latest theme is Oktoberfest. Invite says “dirndl and lederhosen STRONGLY encouraged.” Needless to say, I’m unlikely to find a dirndl in my size at the local Goodwill. I am not a costume person. At all. I hate the time involved in picking something out, plus the expense. It feels wasteful to me, not fun. I love seeing others dressed up, but AITA if I wear normal clothes to her themed parties?

    • Anon

      Just try to do something on theme, you don’t have to go all the way, but it’s kind of a poor move to just show up regularly dressed to a theme party.

    • Anonymous

      Of course not! I would do your best to be on theme within the confines of your wardrobe. Like for this I could see braids being a touch of theme, and I’d wear them with a gingham dress cause I own it, or jeans and a plaid button down, or jeans and any top in a fall color, etc.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Jeans and fall shirt – plaid or beer or themed tee, plus braids would be more than enough.

        I too strongly dislike costumes and was happy to pass my mid-20s and never have to go to a Halloween party again.

        • anon

          We’re in our 40s. Now that the kids are older and people have more mental bandwidth, there seems to be a resurgence in my circle of forced fun.

          • Anonymous

            If you’re viewing an event as forced fun, you should probably just skip the event.

          • Trish

            You don’t have to go. My neighbors throw a themed Halloween party every year and I LOVE IT! DH doesn’t and he won’t be a party pooper so he stays home

          • Cat

            I’m with the OP on this. A regular party = fun. Asking guests to dress up = forced fun. You can both want to enjoy time with your friends AND think themes are a waste of time and money.

          • Anon

            How is it forced fun if no one is forced to attend? Lots of people really enjoy these events, and it feels pretty judgy to call them forced fun.

            If it were a work event where you had to dress in costume, that would be “forced fun” because you’re forced to participate.

          • AIMS

            I think my level of annoyance depends on the occasion. If it’s an excuse to throw a party, I don’t mind & think you can just sit it out if it’s not your thing. But I do get annoyed when a theme co-opts a gathering for no reason. We get invited to a themed holiday party every year and while I love seeing everyone and the idea of the holiday party in general, I sort of hate having to dress up in western wear or whatever theme for it. Maybe it’s just as lame, but I want to wear plaid and dress up for the actual holidays, not for some random theme pulled out of a hat.

          • Anonymous

            My friends would literally bang on my door to get me to the party. It does feel like forced fun but I try to do the minimum because I do want to go to the parties.

          • Anon

            Good enough = what you have in hand. I can also treat things as a Project Runway type chalkenge but only if made with what is in my house, which wins for “enthusiasm” and loses for cos-play level results but I dont care about that.

    • anon

      I’m with you on not being a fan of the environmental and financial waste of one-time outfits. Not to mention the time!

      Can you work with what you have in your closet plus a bit of ribbon/felt/scrap fabric and hot glue to add some drindl-like details?

      • anon

        I own one midi skirt and one white blouse. They would look absolutely ridiculous together but that’s the closest thing I have.

    • Anonymous

      I’m right with you. I hate dressing up in costumes; I have less than zero desire to spend time dreaming up something themed to wear. And I’m with you on not wanting to buy something I don’t want or need just to go to a party. So I’d be torn between feeling forced to “play along” even though I hate it, or just not going and thereby offending my dear friend.

    • Anon

      Wear a beer t shirt? I’m not a big fan of buying polyester crap from Amazon that gets worn once and thrown away. But I might wear a t shirt with a beer on it again, even if only to sleep in or work in the yard.

    • Anonymous

      You have a few choices here, since I’m going to guess it’s costume she wants, not authentic traditional clothing.
      -You can style regular clothes you have, or can find cheaply at goodwill, to look close enough. If you buy pieces at goodwill you can donate them back after the party.
      or
      -You can find a place that rents these kinds of costumes
      or
      -You can risk being the only person at a costume party without a costume.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve hosted Oktoberfest parties! You don’t have to dress up, no, but it’s a theme party so if you aren’t into it, you don’t really have to go at all.

      Cheap ideas to be on theme:

      I’d wear your hair in braids, wear a gingerbread cookie around your neck (https://diaryofamadhausfrau.com/2018/10/oktoberfest-gingerbread-hearts.html).

      Spend like $5 and buy a plastic version of the Oktoberfest garb. https://www.partycity.com/oktoberfest-fraulein-vest-425785.html?extcmp=pla%7CGoogle&gclid=CjwKCAjw6p-oBhAYEiwAgg2PglzrgjLtddQFnm-_mM0bAI5l7W5P4kE9p94R1HR2BC9yH9H3Z6J24xoCSnUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

      Other ideas: bring a giant 1L beer stein, a giant glass boot, etc.

      • Anon.

        As a German (but definitely NOT an Oktoberfest fan), I say that that plastic vest is …. something.
        However, I would support you buy this and don’t spend another thought on this. I would, if I were in your shoes!

        • Anonymous

          I posted the link and I have it in my home already. A couple of husbands we invited to our last party wore them and left them ;).

    • Anon

      Is there a Buy Nothing group in your neighborhood? I’d post there to see if a neighbor has something you can borrow. It’s perfect for this scenario.

    • Anonymous

      If you have a blue and white gingham shirt in your closet, I’d wear that with jeans.

      Other options: 1) look into renting a costume. A friend of mind rented this kind of costume for a Halloween party one year. 2) if you know any people your size-ish who have gone to Oktoberfest in Germany, see if you could borrow. I borrowed one from my SIL last year for Halloween after my parents brought a dirndl back from Germany for my 2 yo daughter last year. I would not have bought one, but it worked out because my hubs actually has lederhosen.

    • anon

      I would check Etsy for this. You might not find the whole outfit, but you could find that one item that makes it clear it is a costume for under $15, I’m pretty sure. I would go with a fun hat, personally, as that will show up in photos but otherwise be easy enough to remove once you walk out the door.

    • HFB

      whats the normal costume participation rate at her parties? if everyone but you is super into it, i wouldn’t say you’re the AH but it does have kind of party pooper vibes. if there will be other people who make low/no effort, then you’re fine. personally i love costumes but i get that not everyone does.

      i think it’s honestly ok to skip events you won’t enjoy…. maybe just go to every other party she hosts? or, tell her you’re having a hard time finding something on theme and ask if she has some extra clothes or accessories you can borrow? if she’s really into costumes i bet she will have ideas for something she can lend you that fits the theme.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t say you’re an a-hole, but not going in costume is just not choosing the fun choice or getting into the intended spirit. It affects the enthusiasm and spirit, especially if it’s a smaller party. If it’s really not for you, then don’t go.

      • Anon

        Hard disagree. If I invite you to a party with a theme, I would much rather you come in street clothes than not come at all. I’m inviting you because I enjoy your company.

    • Anonymous

      For this particular event, if you want to give a little nod to the theme with items you might already have, or get at goodwill:

      Rufflepuff dress – dirndl blouses are very pouffy.
      Milkmaild or peasant blouse – with either jeans, denim skirt, or midi skirt. With a skirt, you could add a small apron, or a a man’s waiscoat, neither necessary.
      Dungarees with white blouse underneath as lederhosen sub
      Man’s cheers-style beer tshirt

      Head: felt hat or ribbons, or braids with ribbons.

    • Anon

      NTA, with a strong BUT consider rethinking your attitude. I‘ haven’t been the biggest fan of costume parties historically but the last time I went all in and dressed up, I had an outstanding time. It actually can be a lot of fun. I’ve resolved in recent years to choose the “thing” most likely to bring the most joy, and in this case, I’d say it would be lean in and have a good time. You can do it economically and environmentally if that’s important to you.

      • Anon

        Exactly this – choose the thing that is more fun. Be open to things that you think you hate. Make an adventure of getting the things you need from thrift stores. If you go with a friend, it could be a hilarious shopping outing.

        • Anon

          I totally agree with this sentiment, but for me wearing some sort of brewery t-shirt and calling it a day would be the most fun by far. There is nothing about wearing costumes that I find enjoyable. I enjoy parties though, and I enjoy my friends. I’ve never felt like an asshole for not dressing up, and none of my friends have ever made a big deal of it.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t buy anything. I would try to dress in October fest colors, I’m thinking blue red and white and bring a ton of beer. No one will really care.

    • Anon

      Why can’t I get invited to something like this. I’m carrying a lot of extra weight and 50% of it is in my b00bs. I’d rock a St Pauli Girl dress right now!!

    • Anon

      Hats/headgear! Finding a piece of headwear that responds to her theme is not expensive and then just wear whatever you want.

      • Runcible Spoon

        +1 to this suggestion. My go-to for costume/theme days at work, for example, Halloween, is to slap on a head band with cat’s ears and call it a day. You can do the same for an Oktoberfest party — find an inexpensive head/hair band that has Oktoberfest themed stuff attached (beer steins, pretzels), and wear that with vaguely German bier hall clothes. Everhone will be focusing on your novelty hair band and won’t notice your lack of full-length constume. Enjoy!

    • Nesprin

      Could you do a hat or a single item of clothing nodding to the theme without going all out?

    • Peggy Olson

      I also hate costume parties, but I’ve honestly always gotten away with minimal effort for these things (“strong encouragement” recommended, or not). Wear a brown shirt with cotton balls for “salt” and braids, and tell everyone that you’re a pretzel. Wear a peasant shirt and a skirt instead of a dirndl; no one will care if it’s not exactly the same. Wear fall colors and glue some plastic fall leaves to a headband. You can typically make some show of going along with the clothes in your closet (or with a few bucks at Target). I’d honestly rather do that than be at a costume party in regular clothes that have no relationship at all to the them.

    • Anon

      I love theme and costume parties and rarely dress up much for them. I don’t think it’s better when everyone has to go buy a costume! I like to see people’s creativity too. A mix of full-on costumes and people in a t-shirt and jeans with a few on-theme accessories is festive. I think the key if you are not in costume is to wear something neutral (since it won’t actively clash) and still incorporates the theme in some way.

    • Girlonawireless

      NTA. Tracht (Dirndl and Lederhosen) isn’t cheap, unless you get the Spirit of Halloween versions, and those are cartoonish.

      As others have suggested, a look that’s consistent with the theme is the way to go — braids, white or gingham blouse, choker, knit cardigan, your favorite jeans, and suede flats/block heels. Prost!

      • Anonymous

        I highly doubt OP is going to the kind of party where anyone will be wearing authentic trachten, though, lol. (I was at one once, they are stunning!)
        This reads more like the elementary school plays where they used to say ‘dress like a native american’…
        I agree that OP just needs to be consistent with the theme, a little creativity with pieces she already owns and she’s good to go.

  5. Anon

    Help me get dressed! I’ve been invited to my law firm partner’s house for a cocktail party. She is super glamorous, wealthy, and a total bad@ss at work. I can’t tell how formal the vibe will be. I don’t want to stand out or be overdressed. I have a feeling that some men will be in jeans bc guys can get away with anything. What outfit says formal but I didn’t try too hard.

      • Emma

        I would do a sheath in a nice color because black sheath reads a little stern and office-like for a party, at least to be. I have an emerald green sheath dress that works well for this, and I would wear a jacket that’s not a formal blazer (I have one of those chanel-esque light tweed ones that works well for this). With shoes you feel comfortable in because you will be standing around a lot.

    • Anon

      My goal is always to stand out and I don’t mind being overdressed, I’d wear some kind of fun dress with great shoes. A cocktail party is an excuse to have a little fun.

    • Anonanonanon

      I also don’t like being wildly overdressed– but I do like dressing up and like fashion– and my boyfriend is a partner/head of his department, so I feel like I’ve probably attended plenty of similar events. Honestly, red lipstick and great jewelry can do a lot of heavy lifting in a case like this, and if you feel overdressed can easily be removed. I like a good silk (or equivalent) shirt, preferably slouchy (Nili Lotan makes a few styles I love; check TheRealReal for more reasonable prices) and good pants or a skirt. Add fabulous shoes (not necessarily heels if that’s not your thing) and a good clutch/bag and you’re more or less covered. I’d also look at the styling on the Toteme brand website — they have a lot of elevated yet chill looks that are good for dinner/cocktail situations.

    • NaoNao

      I think this is a great opportunity for a cool, slightly edgy cocktail dress where one can’t really tell how pricey it was, for example, if you look up “Anthropologie Let Me Be Colorblock Halter Dress” something along those lines. I saw someone wearing this in the audience at a Broadway show (in the evening) and they looked incredible yet absolutely not too “try hard”. Now that exact item might be a tad too summery or casual, but something from AllSaints, The Fold (dress), COS, Anine Bing, Maison Margiela, Helmut Lang, Self Portrait, Theia, Wolf and Badger (they have multiple brands), Karen Millen, House of CB, SportMax–something along those lines.

    • Anon

      My sister is this person! She throws a holiday party at her house every year for the people in her program. I am always invited to be a party filler, keep conversation going, make people feel comfortable (easy because I don’t work with any of them!) and refill drinks. It’s fun. I would wear trouser pants, a silky button down tucked in, and some kitten heels or flats so you’re stable and not accidentally spilling a bit of wine on the carpet.

    • Anon

      The recommendations here skew toward pretty formal. Are you sure it’s this dressy? I entertain lots and have lots of cause for formal entertaining (politics, senior gov’t official), but unless it’s a big, known event, a cocktail party in our circle can often just mean bite-sized foods in smart casual (jeans and a blazer for guys). If you don’t have any context clues at all, I’d just reach out and ask. “Hi Susan! Super excited to see you on Saturday. What will you be wearing? Just want to make sure I’m on the same page. Thanks for the invite!”

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t do a sheath dress. I’d do a pair of slim pants with a blouse or thin sweater that has some glamour to it – not your everyday office blouse or sweater. I have one with tiny sequins I save for things like this. Wear a blazer over so you’re covered if the event is more business-y, shed the blazer if it turns out to be more party-y.

      Amp up the earrings. Don’t wear a necklace.

      • Runcible Spoon

        I have a short-sleeved black cotton sweater with some beading at the collar that I often wear for work-related evening events. The beading acts as a built-in necklace substitute and adds a touch of zing to the outfit. The trousers are ordinary black knit pull-on wide-leg pants (nobody’s looking at them). Add a pair of flashy earrings, plus perhaps a bracelet and a pair of rings, and you’re set! Enjoy!

  6. A.

    What would you do with a free Sunday in Rome? It would be our last day in the city (very short trip), as we leave early Monday morning. Many/most attractions are closed that day. Group of four adults. Thinking we’ll wander by the Trevi Fountain and Spanish Steps, but would love other ideas!

    • Chl

      Food tour? We books yours in Italy through Viator and Get your guide. Rick Steve’s also has some guide recommendations

    • Cat

      Palatine Hill / the Forum / Colosseum are open. Save those for Sunday and do other things on more flexible days?

      • Anon

        It’s not a bad idea, although I’d be hesitant to save such an important attraction for the last day.
        +1 for food tour.

        • Cat

          Worst case is you can look over the Forum from Capitoline Hill and soak up the Colosseum from outside. If this is the OP that has like, 2-3 days tacked onto a work trip, that might actually be preferred, leaving more time for food and wine and gelato ;)

    • Anon

      If you’re Jewish (or interested), the synagogue will be open and it is interesting. There is also really good artichoke pizza (and other artichoke-based dishes) in the neighborhood.

      Orange Garden on the Aventine,

      Villa Borghese grounds.

      • Anon

        For that matter, it could be interesting to attend church services (even if you are not Catholic) in Rome on a Sunday.

        • Walnut

          Vatican is hoppin’ on Sunday and the Pope does the Angelus if he’s in town. The museum is closed, but I don’t think it’s hard to spend a lot of time at St. Peters. The Castel Sant’Angelo is a short walk from there as well. Get skip the line tickets if possible.

        • Anon

          I think there should also be opportunity to slip and out of churches when services aren’t happening? (Or there was last time I was there.) Many of the churches of Rome are like museums in their own right… they are where everything colorful and fancy from the ancient ruins ended up.

    • SFAttorney

      If you go to the Trevi Fountain or Spanish Steps, go very early or late. We were there recently about 8 PM and both were very crowded. Th Piazza Navona is also nice, as is wandering around the Trastevere district.

    • Hollis

      We did a bike tour of Appian Way and the Aqueducts and it was the highlight of our trip. Highly recommend it. With electric bikes, it isn’t that difficult and you see so much that would be hard to see by car.

  7. anon

    Are black jeans current? I had a pair of black jeggings that were total workhorses. Alas, they are super faded, worn out and don’t fit anymore, so I’m thinking about a replacement item that could fill a similar purpose.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, black jeans in current cuts are stylish. A washed black will look better than a deep black when it starts to fade.

    • Cb

      I think they are a neutral, at least in my 30-something social circles. They aren’t wildly trendy but they are an easy bottom

      • Peaches

        Agreed. For me they’re a staple. I’m not wearing my black skinny jeans, but I’m getting a lot of wear out of straight-leg versions.

    • Anon

      Not the jeggings. Black straight leg jeans are cool though.

      I personally hate the look of faded black denim, but it’s inevitable, and it’s a me problem.

      • Anon

        PS you can save your skinny jeans for rainy or snowy days when your priority is just staying warm and dry. Skinny jeans can’t be beat for tucking into rain or snow boots.

      • Anon

        Actually, there are some great simple ways to preserve the color. My last pair I vaguely remember doing some sort

        And of course, always wash inside-out on delicate, cold water, color fast gentle detergents, line dry (never dryer). And when I get a new pair, I do that vinegar rinse/soak thing, to seal in the color before washing them for the first time.

  8. Anon

    Ugh I cannot keep using this s i t e, as the video ads are freaking distracting and LOUD, but I need a good place to go read and rest my brain in between difficult drafting issues in my contracts. Any thoughts? I’m looking for brain candy – nothing politic or current event focused.

    • Peaches

      Are you on Chrome?
      If you right-click on the tab, there’s an option to “mute site.”

    • No Problem

      You can mute the s i t e – right click on the tab and it will have that option. It will do it permanently for your browser, no need to do it each time you come here. I do still find the moving ads to be very visually annoying, but at least I don’t have to hear them!

    • Anon

      I have posted before and I feel like people think I am somehow benefiting, but if you are using your phones get the Brave browser. I get zero popups and never have an issue with any audio. It’s smooth sailing.

    • NaoNao

      Tom and Lorenzo–totally brain candy fashion commentary.

      Wardrobe Oxygen–a fashion blog, the writer is over 40 and mid sized and has great recommendations and outfits

      Ask a Manager–click on “surprise me” and have fun reading about the silly work situations and questions

      Collector’s Weekly Blog. I know it sounds weird, but they have absolutely divine deep dives into various clothing and jewelry brands, trends, and designers.

    • anonmi

      I view this site on FireFox with Ad Block Plus installed – no pop-ups, no sound, no issues with ads at all.

    • Anon

      Are ad blockers out of the question? I use AdBlock on my PC, can’t remember what on my iphone.

      • nananon

        Same. I use AdBlock and don’t see any ads or have any videos auto-playing.

  9. Anon for This

    Mini-rant/I love my husband but want to scream a little/I’m sure I’m not the only one.

    Husband and I both grew up in frugal households. I used to sew all my own curtains, reupholster and/or refinish furniture, etc. Why just buy what I need when I can figure out how to make it with 30-40 hours of my time at a 50% savings?? Similarly, husband is very handy. He can fix anything if you give him a manual or a couple hours to research.

    But at this point in our lives… we have the money to pay for things but really don’t have the time to do it ourselves…

    We started a home improvement project last summer and had some professionals come in to do the ‘big things’ with husband planning to finish it himself. It’s been a little over a year and I keep trying to convince husband to just… hire somebody to finish it off. I can tell it’s weighing on him; however, he really feels like this is totally within his capacity and keeps telling me he just needs ‘a couple days where I can really focus’.

    I just need it done! This vent brought to you by an over-coffee disagreement when I told husband I was going to call the contractor we use and ask when he could come by to help us finish the project off.

    • Anon

      Never been more grateful that neither my husband or I are frugal and wouldn’t hesitate to just hire someone to do things like this. The chaos would make me crazy.

      • Anon

        Saaaaaame and it’s just me! I would never spend 30 – 40 hrs of my own time to do something I can afford to pay someone to do. My time is valuable and I hate DIY.

        YMMV but if you are an adult and have other responsibilities and can afford to hire out, do it. It’s (most of the time) way less stressful and you can do something fun with your weekend/spare time instead!

        • Anon for This

          So, it’s really interesting. In the last 5 years, husband and I hit a point financially that is just… so different than what either of us were raised with. Similarly, husband just texted and is coming around to it, but one of his hang-ups is that his dad and brothers kind of… make fun of him for being a ‘college boy’ and not doing it himself.

          At the same time, I do gently remind him that my MIL and SIL’s were all SAHMs or worked very part time and that the two of us easily make multiples of their annual salaries… however, that also means that we have less free time. I accepted this a while ago, I think he just is now.

          • Anon

            I appreciate you can’t force him to come around on the timeline you want and that it’s rough his family makes fun of him for ending up in a different place than they did. I like the poster’s suggestion of saying here are two weekends for you to get this done, if it doesn’t happen, I am calling the contractor to get this finished, end of story.

          • anon

            Aha. These things are always about something deeper, aren’t they? I’d give your husband 1-2 more weekends to finish up, and if it’s not done then, call in the pros.

        • Anonymous

          I enjoy DIY but if I’m spending 30-40 hours on a project then it’d better be saving me many thousands of dollars. An ex and I demoed (down to studs and sub flooring) and redid his kitchen and it probably took a cumulative ~50 hours. There were some things we couldn’t do, like working on the gas line, and we found some scorching of unknown origin when we opened up the walls. The remodel cost him over $15k. The initial estimates he received were in the $20k range, so the savings was probably (barely) worth it. Though I think most of that ~$5k differential was because he picked up awesome cabinets at salvage, not because our work saved him $5k in labor.

    • anon

      I would carve out those “couple of days” – allocate two weekends that he gets to finish it conditioned that if he does not make appropriate progress you’re calling in the pros, and it’s non-negotiable. Getting a quote is usually free? Does he have any sense of what it costs to have pros do it? Maybe it’s not as bad as the number in his head (or maybe there’s no number in his head) and seeing a real cost on paper might help move the needle?

      • Anon for This

        Im actually chuckling because… were you listening to the conversation I had with my husband this morning?

        That was literally the conversation that I had with him which started this tiff.

    • anon

      I hope you can just GET IT DONE! I sympathize, though. For my husband and I, what has helped are some discussions about what we want our lives to actually look like – do we want to have fancy jobs, and hire this stuff out, or, do we want smaller jobs and do more things ourselves? He would be much happier with a smaller job and doing a lot more himself, and, I’m totally fine with that because he’s very capable and I think our quality of life is actually higher when we organize things that way. He enjoys the diversity in his day, and I enjoy the home cooked food and other chores magically getting done. The only hard part is that so many jobs these days are so demanding that it’s hard to find one that’s “only” 40 hours a week, much less 20! I wonder if a discussion about what your ideal ratio would look like would help your husband feel seen, and then allow you to say – but where we are Right Now means that we need to hire this out if it’s going to get done!

      • Anon for This

        I think husband would actually be a great Stay at Home Parent… but that’s not what our life is. I don’t know him at work; however, in talking to his coworkers, I am fairly sure that he has the same problem solving ‘sure, give me a couple hours and I can figure out how to fix it’ attitude at work that he has at home.

        And yeah, it’s hard to find a job for ‘just’ 40 hours a week, let alone 20… and add on it kids’ activities and family obligations and other things…

    • Anonanon

      oh my god I have no idea but please let me know when you figure it out (she says as she listens to her husband nail flooring directly above her head)

    • Anonymous

      Commiseration. Except over here, DH often won’t call a contractor not only because of the money but because he thinks it will be inferior to what he could do (this is often true).

      What works for us:
      Both of us taking a day off to Do The Project. Even if it’s his thing, I provide ongoing emotional support/ hold tools/ make lunch as he works. Alternatively, sending the kids away for a weekend and Do the Project.

      If that doesn’t make sense for you, then mutually agree on a date by which the contractor will come in if the work isn’t done. Not a threat, just agree that “we need a working kids bathroom by Halloween. Working is defined by: functional shower, toilet, sink, and door that closes properly. Not fully painted is okay; nothing that will be damaged by splashing water [eg ungrouted tile].” Then, if you suspect Halloween will come and go and you will still have your kids using your bathroom, call the contractor and set it up for the work to be done the first two weeks in november. Worst case, you cancel (you won’t cancel).

      • Anon for This

        Are… are we married to the same person?

        OP here and this is giving me a good idea… if I can get somebody to take the kids for a weekend (maybe a weekend at the out of town grandparents? more likely swapping with my best friend’s kids?) then I will frame it as ‘either we can finish the project ORRR we could finally go away for a weekend and hire someone and have it done when we get back’.

        I think he might just… accept it then. Although, I will totally give him credit that he is able to do a high quality job. But like… I need that room.

    • Anonymous

      I think of home improvement and maintenance projects in three categories:

      1) Things I can’t do, things a professional can do better than I, and things where I want a pro’s insurance to bear the risk if something goes wrong.
      2) Things I can do as well as a professional but would take me a lot of time and would cost a reasonable amount to have a professional do.
      3) Things I can do as well as a professional or better than a professional that I can do relatively quickly or that would cost a ridiculous amount of money to have a pro do.

      I pay for pros to do things in category 1 and category 2. Things in category 3, like mulching the yard and installing faucets and painting walls that don’t need a lot of repairs, I prefer to do myself. I am just not going to pay someone $3,000 to do a nice job of mulching my tiny yard or $1,500 to do an absolutely terrible job when I could order mulch for $300 and spread it myself in half a day or less, even if it means waiting a few weeks until I have time.

      It sounds as if your project is in category 2. I’d hire the contractor.

      • Anon for this

        Yeah, it sounds like you and I are of similar minds. Now if I can juuuuuust push husband into this camp.

    • Anonymous

      Commiseration. DH is in denial about how he feels about this project, but actions speak louder than words. If he truly wanted to do this project then he would carve out the time and do it. But instead, he chooses over and over again to prioritize something else. He could stay home and finish but instead, going to the big game or a concert or BBQ or sleeping in and bingeing the Godfather always wins out. That’s because those things are more important to him! There will never be a completely free weekend with nothing else you’d rather be doing. I do not understand the continuing denial when your actions show that you prioritize everything in the world over DIYing this thing. It’s ok to like what you like!

      • Anon for this

        Yeah, and as I’ve pointed out – it’s not that he’s out golfing!! It’s that he’s opted to do things with the kids on the weekends and has stepped in and taken over childcare when daycare unexpectedly closed and dealt with a work project that he basically salvaged when it had been left in shambles.

    • anon

      I am like your husband. Single best way to get me to finish the last 10% is MIL coming into town, then I will pull all nighters to get it done. Find his motivation and create a real deadline to make him focus.

    • anon a mouse

      Sometimes the best tool in your toolbox is your checkbook. Call the contractor.

    • Anon

      My husband is “handy” and has saved us money in the long run, but there have been plenty of times where he’s made things worse and we had to call in the professionals. One time when I had to get my brakeless car towed to a shop in the middle of a failed DIY brake job, the mechanics said “be nice to your husband about this.” haha

      • Anon for this

        Lol – fabulous. I will say, the man has saved us literally thousands of dollars on appliance repairs. Not just me but even my mom.

  10. Anon

    Just a happy note to say that I saw my first-of-the-season vintage Tootsie Roll Pop ad with the cartoon owl just now and my day is made <3

    That and two Christmas ads are absolutely part of my holidays: the "Peter!" surprise arrival from the military Folger's commercial and the Hershey's Kisses bells. They all take me back to childhood holidays when life was easy every bit as a My Little Pony or what have you haha.

    • Bean74

      Yes!

      What is it about ads? My mom recorded all of the Christmas specials she could from TV in 1986, including all of the commercials. The tape has since been converted to a DVD but my favorite part is all of the holiday commercials – including the Hershey’s Kisses bells.

      • Peaches

        YES to the old commercials on those recorded Christmas specials! I’m so glad someone else has these memories.

    • Anon

      I am glad it’s nostalgic for you! I personally am fine with Halloween ads, but I get super irritated when I start seeing Christmas stuff while it’s still officially summer.

    • Sybil

      Absolutely yes to “Peter!” Also the McDonald’s commercial with “Hard-nosed Mrs. Hatcher.”

  11. Anon

    I have boring basic solid dresses that I try to keep current with jackets to later over. I keep hunting but it is hard. This morning I tried to ding some and it was very Run DMC / Royal Tenenbaums even though I was looking at workwear sites and not anywhere like Adidas. I know 2023 is more casual overall but this seems like it won’t work in my city even if it gets done by fashion people in NY or LA. What I want is the 2023 version of Senior Attiorney’s great Ann Taylor Jacket find (gray tweedy sweater material moto jacket) from years ago.

  12. Anon

    So no really. The polling for Trump vs. Biden is bad. They’re tied. All we need is a few people to stay home because they aren’t excited about Biden (see, Hillary) and we have Trump 2.0. So when is Biden going to step aside and Harris gets primaried by an open field?

    • Anon

      He’s not going to step aside. It’s well-documented that people always like candidates who aren’t officially running. Newsom (or whatever generic white male Dem) vs Trump might look much better now, but if Newsom were actually running his favorability would plummet and the polls might be as bad or worse than Biden’s. Focus on turning out voters for the actual election, rather than some hypothetical primary.

      • Anon

        Newsome would only win if CA voters counted. I’m not convinced he would win a national election even though he’s be the darling of some primaries.

      • anon

        +1 sadly. I like her but very Dems I know want her to run, if Biden were to step aside.

      • Anon

        +1 sadly. I like her but very Dems I know want her to run, if Biden were to step aside.

      • Anon

        Yes, part of the reason Biden polls poorly is that people don’t like Harris as the back up plan if his health fails.

    • Naomi

      Just no. You’re worried about a couple people not being excited for Biden, an open primary would completely demoralize voters.

      The environment is different now than it was in 2016.

        • Anon

          Honestly, with all the Republican voters lost to COVID (literally… more COVID deaths of Republicans). the final numbers of actually voters may be swung… And Trump has only himself to blame for that.

          • Anon

            I guess! My blue voting district has now been gerrymandered off the map, so it’s bothering me that my vote won’t count the way it used to.

      • Anon

        Why does everyone think he’s so terrible?! I think he’s been a very good president!

        • Anon

          I agree! The hard work of governing doesn’t make for salacious news coverage, but that’s what his administration has been doing.
          No one else would get as much through a divided congress.

        • Anonymous

          +1 I guess he’s old but trump is old and will put an end to American democracy. What is wrong with people?

          • Anon

            Right…do I wish Biden were younger or had done a better job setting up Harris as a successor, sure. But between Biden and Trump it’s not a hard choice AT ALL.

          • Anon

            Yes, they’re both old; it feels like there’s some weird media push to say Biden is too old when he’s been doing fine so far.

        • Anon

          People experienced a lot of relief during the pandemic response, and then they experienced those extra supports being taken away while the costs of basic necessities (like food and housing) have risen or remained high. Fair or not, people get frustrated with whoever is in office while every day life becomes more challenging.

          The Biden administration also managed to enact the previous administration’s pandemic plan (hiding case and transmission data, obscuring mortality data by recalculating expected mortality, cutting back on testing in general, narrowing criteria so that it looks like progress has been made where it’s actually apples to oranges comparisons, and dropping the ball entirely on in-hospital transmission).

          • Anon

            But progress has been made? Like we’re obviously not in the same phase of the pandemic that we were in back in 2020-2021. The vaccines were transformative and very few people are getting sick enough to go to the hospital these days. I’d like more monitoring of variants and preparedness for future pandemics, but it’s beyond ridiculous to say no progress has been made!!!

          • Anon

            Progress has definitely been made! There’s also Project NextGen to try to stay ahead of things. I personally think that the combination of vaccines, prior infection, and honestly loss of life among the vulnerable mean that even a very substantially mutated virus won’t set us back to 2020 any time soon. I was just expecting a lot more in terms of a factual, science-backed public health campaign in response to what remains a leading cause of death, and I’m worried about what the legacy of all the shortsighted sophistry will be.

    • NW Islander

      Two things to consider:

      1. Consider how many states were decided by a thin margin. Less than 100,000 votes. Now consider how the pandemic mortality rates disproportionately impacted Trump voters. I don’t have time to dig up and link to research on this, but it is out there.

      2. Consider that we have 4 years worth of newly of-age voters.

      That having been said, I am beyond disappointed that the Dems’ succession planning failure continues.

      • Anon

        Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that. People change their mind and people generally get more conservative as they get older. I personally know quite a few people who supported Biden in 2016 who will be staying home or voting for Trump this time. :( I don’t know any Trump supporters who have stopped supporting him. This is anecdata, I realize, but your points assume no one changes their mind and that’s not true.

      • Anonymous

        Not my phrasing, but Dan Pfeiffer of Pod Save America has repeatedly said that the 2020 election was decided by fewer than 70,000 people across six* states and his specific illustration is that this is les people than have attended a Taylor Swift “Eras Tour” concert. *it might be 5 or 7 states, but it’s a number under ten.

        But the way to have options other than Biden or 80 year olds is to start running for and voting for people at the local levels so they have the experience to run for state rep, then congress, or governor…. Republicans have been doing this for a long, long time. They’re just better at it.

      • Anon

        Nope.

        Also: can anyone point me to a current D governor likely to have appeal to moderates? That is who seems to win national elections for president.

        I feel like Haley is like this on the right. Who is the Haley or recent ex-governor on the left?

    • Anon

      The only good thing to me about the 2024 election is that neither of them is likely to last a full term so we might finally have a female president.

    • Anon

      Polls are different than who actually votes. If Trump is nominated, moderate republicans won’t turn out. If non-Trump is nominated, it will disenfranchise his base. I think we’re good. But it’s always scary!

    • Seventh Sister

      I’m definitely the sort that worries about everything, but I just can’t work up any anxiety over the 2024 election just yet. It’s over a year away, and a lot can happen in a year. Biden isn’t my ideal candidate, Trump remains popular with his base, but the endless carping about Biden being “too old” reminds me a bit of the “but her emails” people that contributed to Hillary’s loss. To quote the late, great, Molly Ivins, sometimes you have to dance with them that brung you.

      • Anonymous

        Biden is only down on our dance card for 4 years. That doesn’t obligate us to 8. If he wanted to be a really effective president, he would have chosen a VP who was capable of being president and spent the past four years setting that person up to run and win.

        The real problem is that all of these ancient people have been holding onto power for so many decades and have blocked the people who are now middle-aged and should be running from the positions that would set them up to run. It’s the octogenerians’ fault that our only other choices are Harris and cute little Mayor Pete.

        • Seventh Sister

          To me, this is a party issue that is way above my pay grade as a voter in a blue state. Yes, I’d rather have Harris, or Buttigieg, or Klobuchar, or frankly, Elizabeth Warren, but if the national party is going to stay with Biden, I’m not sparing the energy to talk up another candidate.

      • Anon

        Yeah, plus he might literally be running his campaign from jail!? Like I know he has a pretty devoted base that won’t care, but he can’t win with those voters alone and I don’t see many moderates turning out to vote for a convicted felon.

    • Anonie

      It’s over a year to Election Day. Check the cross-tabs. Biden is not stepping aside. If you really don’t want Trump to win, donate your time and your money to the Biden campaign.

    • Anonymous

      Can you channel this worry into action? Write vote forward letters, if you’re more liberal leaning, participate in vote save America phone banking, help elect your local reps so we can build the bench for 2026 (senators) and beyond. More worrying to be than the presidency is helping to get a congress to either help Biden or hinder trump… and the senate map is looking awful.

  13. Carol

    I’m going to Paris for a long weekend. The friend I’m going with and I have both visited Paris before and saw the major tourist sites, so our goal for this weekend was more to “drink wine and eat croissants”. Any recommendations? Late 20s, single, like art and politics and good food and the aforementioned wine.

    • oil in houston

      Laduree for cakes, place Dauphine for wine, any local boulangerie for croissant and then sit in a park and watch people go by, les 2 magots for coffee, I’m jealous, have fun!

    • Anon

      Look on tiktok, really. There’s tons of stuff that pops up from locals that’s way better than anything we could recommend. Have a great trip!

    • Anon

      Honestly, my best trips have been those with no planned activities. Stroll around with no plans, eat at whatever bistro looks good, shop a little, drink your wine and eat your croissants! I would much much rather do that than stand in line for the Louvre for an hour or more (yes, even with my “skip the line” ticket)

    • Sasha

      I have an extensive spreadsheet with Paris reccs if you want to post a burner and I can share with you!

    • Anonymous

      Mary Celeste is a lot of fun with girlfriends — great wine list, oysters, etc.

    • Anon

      Where are you staying? I feel like this kind of thing is better local rather than dragging yourself through two metro lines. Also, what time of year? You will probably not be sitting on a patio in February.

      For example, the Musee Carnavalet has a lovely patio for a coffee or a glass of wine (and the museum itself is free) if you are going to be in the Marais, but I would not go to the Marais for it. Le petit Commines is a great place for dinner (also in the Marais). The St. Regis on Ille St. Louis is lovely if you are in central Paris.

      If you are going to Monmartre, just pick a place that looks busy. Brunch has become very popular in Paris and I went to Hardware Society and it was lovely.

    • Anon

      I was just in Paris and did a food tour. Here is the list of places they recommended:
      – FRENCH BREWERY / RESTAURANT

      Chez Paul
      Brasserie dubillot
      Bistrot Renaissance
      Les Arlots
      Le Comptoir de la Gastronomie
      Le lead du Cantal (known for its aligot)
      Entrecôte
      Bouillon Pigalle/ Montparnasse

      – LE MARAIS
      Edwart Chocolatier
      Mie Carré bread (croque-mon Monsieur)
      The yellow house (pastrami sandwich)
      Miznon
      Le Ruisseau (burgers/ closed in summer)
      Homer
      Red Children (Covered Market)
      Le petit Commines..

      – CHÂTELET LES HALLES
      Glace Bachir
      Hakata Choten
      Mobilis in Mobili
      BO & MIE
      Marmots- raclette restaurant.

      – MONTMARTRE
      Le Comptoir Belge
      Lala Lasagneria
      Mamiche
      Gemüse (berliner Kebab)
      Pain Pain
      Peco Peco ( street food japonaise)
      Aji Dulce (cuisine du venezuela)
      Frogs (raclette sandwich).

      – CANAL ST MARTIN/RÉPUBLIQUE
      Bricktop Pizza
      Bread & Ideas
      House of 3 Brothers (petit déjeuner/brunch)
      Peonies (breakfast/brunch)
      Goku Asian Canteen (cuisine thaï)
      B.Bell ( kebab)
      Chiche
      Boulangerie Utopie
      Paper boy Paris (bagels)
      The Queen Sea (shellfish)
      Kids Rouge Covered Market:
      Alain miam miam, le burger fermier, Bibovino…
      Scoop me a cookie (best cookies in Paris)
      Gros BAO
      Princess ( burgers )

      PARIS 5TH DISTRICT
      .La grande mosquée de Paris (couscous, tajines, bricks)

      – ROOF TOP

      Le 43-Roof Top
      Le perch de l ‘Est
      Le Perchoir Ménilmontant
      Le Perchoir Marais
      Laho

      – BAR / Cocktail
      Moonshiner
      Bisou Cocktail Club
      Experience
      Café oz
      Le Lavomatic
      Arban

  14. Vicky Austin

    OK, I need to update my jeans wardrobe and I’m planning to order a few to try on. I’ve always been rectangle-to-pear; having a baby has pushed me more towards pear. I love skinny jeans like a good elder millennial, but I think I’ll feel fresher in something a bit more current. Where are the jeans you love these days?

    • NYC

      Straight leg are a good transitional style from skinny. Citizen of Humanity Charlotte High Rise Straight, for example. I think they look best ankle length (just above ankle bone) – can wear with sneakers, loafers, ballet flats, kitten heels/low block heels or booties with higher shaft (that goes under the jean).
      I still keep 1 pair of true black skinnies (not faded) around for wearing with knee high black boots.
      Could also try some wider leg styles. Zara makes the Marine Straight Jean which is a good way to try the trend without spending a lot.

    • Anon

      I just bought Old Navy OG Loose jeans this weekend and really like them! Feels more current with a wider leg but is not super wide leg

    • Clementine

      Okay, I hate HAAATE shopping in person, but for Jeans I will make an exception. I got this idea from someone (maybe GCA?) and just… booked an afternoon, went into a Madewell, and tried on like 10 pair of jeans. I walked away with two pair I love love LOOOVE and feel good in and they look modern on.

      I’ve got a great pair of high waisted flares and then a pair of 90’s style mom-jeans. Both in a medium wash. I love them both.

      • Panda Bear

        +1 I like a lot of the jeans madewell has right now. The various straight leg iterations are not too much of a departure from skinnier styles, and they have curvy fit options if you find yourself struggling with gapping in the back.

    • ALT

      The Universal Thread high waist straight leg jeans are my go to lately. They’re flattering and inexpensive. I do find that they’re a bit short for me (I’m 5’6” with long legs) but haven’t been bothered enough to research if they come in a tall size.

    • Anon

      If I can hijack Vicky’s thread, how does everyone keep their jeans from sagging? Everything has stretch and wants to slide down. I hate having to pull my pants up all the time!

      • Anon

        Keeping the lycra to 2% or less helps. I am apple shaped, not so much big in the front as no hips/no butt. I do best with more rigid jeans as I otherwise end up with diaper butt and can pull my jeans off without unbuttoning and unzipping them.

      • Panda Bear

        A thin, flat belt that doesn’t show under tops helps. I have one called an invisibelt, I think?

  15. Priya

    What are your favorite themed parties you’ve been to?
    I have to be honest, I love a theme. Nothing too elaborate but I like adding something a little extra. For example, an Oktoberfest party sounds fun – I wouldn’t mind if not everyone dressed up but something like braids or some plaid would be fun!

    • Anonie

      I once went to a “superstition” party on Friday the 13th, where people dressed as their favorite superstition. Could have a rabbit foot keychain as an accessory, a broken mirror, carry an open umbrella inside, etc

    • Anonymous

      I like themed parties where the host does everything related to the theme and doesn’t make guests dress up.

    • Carrots

      My friend had a “favorite fictional character” for her birthday this past year that was a good time – I did a group costume with some other friends. It was originally going to be “favorite literary character,” but they wanted to keep it broad for everyone.

    • Anonymous

      My recent favorite was an “All-i-days” party which was a late summer 2021 party celebrating that we could celebrate again after the darkest of COVID times. Everyone came in holiday attire (we had everything. New Years, baby showers, valentines, Halloween, Memorial Day, birthdays! Indigenous peoples day! Boxing Day! 4th of July, st Patrick’s day, someone came as a thanksgiving turkey! Someone else came as a wedding!). We took photos and the hosts made a calendar and sent it to everyone for the holidays. I’m keeping it forever because it reminds me how important in person gatherings are and I’ll never forget the ~12+ months of isolation.

    • Chl

      My friends threw me a surprise ‘Theme’ theme birthday party one year. So you could come however you wanted but it had to be some theme! There were cowboys and togas and angels and devils and schoolgirls and random kind of festive outfits. It was so great!

    • Anon

      Honestly, our best parties are simple…. The one that was the most popular was “bring your favorite drink” party. Everyone got into it. We had everyone bringing great stuff…. everything from pricey scotch to rare wines to fun mixed and fruity drinks (mojitos, dacquaris, manhattans etc..). Someone made a delicious virg1n punch… We put out tons of apps and desserts. Everyone was asking each other what they brought and why (everyone had a story to tell), and it was fun. Everyone’s personality kind of shone through and everyone was happy.

    • Anonymous

      We have started hosting a pumpkin beer party every fall. We ask everyone to bring a six pack or whatever of their favorite seasonal beer/beverage to share and have fall themed snacks. We then ask everyone to take leftover beer home so that they have a variety to drink for the rest of the season.

  16. Anonymous

    How would you tell a dear beloved friend you travel often with that you are going your own way this time? I’m going to Costa Rica and really looking forward to just chilling alone with my book and yoga and the pool, but I know she would want to come. I can’t just not tell her I am going, but I am not open to her joining this time.

    • Anon

      Just say what you said here? “I love traveling with you but for this trip I really need to be alone with a book and recharge my batteries with some solo time. Where should we go together next?”

      • anon

        Yes, this is the way. I do think it’s kinda odd that she’d just assume she’s invited wherever you’re going, even if you are frequent travel buddies.

    • anon

      One suggestion would be emphasizing how much you’re looking forward to a solo vacation whenever you talk about this.

    • Anon

      I have a friend who always wants to tag along on my business travels because in her view it saves her paying for a hotel – the assumption is that we will share the room. I finally told her that I am old enough now that I want my own room when I’m travel. I’d be happy to see her on the trip for a dinner or two, but I’ll be working during the day and she’ll have to get her own room. She’s not mad at me and she hasn’t joined me since, so it seems to have worked.

      I think you just have to use your own words, OP. I didn’t make up any excuses – people who are determined will try to get around your excuses – I was just honest and that’s a lot harder to argue with.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, wow. How presumptuous! And it’s super unprofessional to bring an extra person on a business trip except maybe to a conference.

        • Anon

          The friend is indeed very presumptuous, but I disagree that it’s “super unprofessional” to bring an extra person on a work trip. If they’re not showing up to work events or interfering with the employee’s work, I don’t see any problem with it.

    • Anon

      Say hey, I’m taking a solo vacation! So excited to be alone with a book at last.

    • Anon

      If a friend ever told me that she wanted to take a solo vacation as part of a self-discovery process or something like that, I definitely wouldn’t ask questions or interfere at all. I have a friend who really wanted to try solo backpacking as a test of her courage and skill and I don’t think anybody questioned that either. Just make it about yourself and don’t say anything about her and it should be OK.

    • Anon

      Ha, this happened to me except the “friend” was my husband and I felt like I had no choice but to let him come. I’m still slightly salty about the loss of my alone time. But yes for a regular friend, definitely just tell her you want a solo trip!!

    • Anon

      I just went through this for my summer vacation this year. My girlfriend often joins me and asked to join me this year, but I just wanted to be alone this year. I told her exactly that; that I needed some alone time. She was not mad and totally understood!

  17. Anon

    I am so remarkably burnt out at work, truly miserable, at the end of my rope, really really bad. I am actively looking for a new job, but in my field it is very difficult, and I absolutely cannot quit without another job lined up. I’m not even looking for advice so much as just venting into the void. Anyone else disgusted with their job??

    • anon

      I’m very unhappy but feel like I’ve pigeonholed myself so much in my current position that I don’t even know where to start looking. I feel like I’m not cut out for this anymore.

      • Anon

        Hoo boy, I hear you. What is the saying – the best time to change was five years ago, but the second-best time is now? Another job is possible!

    • Anon

      I am graduating with my masters in December into a field that supposedly has a ton of unfilled positions and needs people, yet I’ve been getting very little interest. Here I am, I’m people! I’ve busted my ass, have maintained great grades, have an excellent record in prior jobs. I’m holding up my end of things and yet no one seems interested in actually hiring me. It’s so demoralizing.

    • Anon

      I was in a similar position and my solution was to lean way out, cut back on my work hours and devote essentially no mental energy to work stuff. I spend a lot of time with my elementary school age kids and a ton of time to volunteering, which makes me feel good about myself and does a service to my community. I basically think of myself as a quasi-SAHM these days, but I still get the benefits of a paycheck (albeit not a big one). I know it’s not an option for everyone but just throwing that out there if you think it could work for you.

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