Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Varsity Revelry Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’d never heard of the brand Laveer, but apparently it was founded by the former fashion director at Shopbop, “inspired by her quest to find pieces with impeccable tailoring.” I love the sort of varsity look to this one, and it’s definitely a bit on the casual side, but it’s a really fun look if you can wear this kind of thing at your office. It’s hand wash or dry clean and is available in sizes 2-10 for $498. Varsity Revelry Blazer

Two more affordable options and here and here.

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  1. I need an objective opinion on a fight my husband and I are having. I have been going through a very stressful time at work and so a while back asked my husband if we could make time for a vacation. There was only one week that we could both make happen so we marked on the calendar. We were supposed to spend half the week at home louging and the other half actually on a trip.

    Yesterday, his mother, who he is not close to, called and said she had booked a ticket to come stay in our city that week. His mother and I do not get along, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is her complete lack of respect for me or my husband. Even though we do not let her stay in our home, her visits are miserable and we end up in serious fights whenever she is in town (sometimes even when she calls, like this time).

    My husband just said okay we’ll see you then and assumed it was good timing since we had already taken off work. It took me quite some time to get him to see his having his mother visit is not a vacation and is not going to serve the stress relief purpose of this time off. I am going to lose my mind if I don’t get this time off and there is no other time we can do it. Who is right here?

    • Anonymous :

      You are right. Leave for a week. You had a pre-booked vacation to spa location/yoga retreat/running vacation/language or cooking learning trip pre-booked to xyz far away location. You’re SO SAD to miss MIL but the trip is non-refundable. Get on a plane. Your mental health is important and you need a break. Do a mini-vacation with hubby later in the year. (Tuesday or Friday off around a long weekend gives you a 4 day break with only one vacation day)

      • Am I wrong to ask him to tell her we aren’t available and insist we continue with our plans?

        • Baconpancakes :

          No! He needs to say “I completely forgot we had already booked our time, I’m so sorry mom,” and schedule a visit to her just by himself. Which, to be honest, is what would make her happiest anyway.

          • And “Mom, in the future, let us know when you’d like to visit before booking tickets. That way, we can try to make a plan that works for all of us.”

            …I have a family like this and I am like 99% positive this wouldn’t work, but I’d feel better having said it.

        • Anonymous :

          No, not wrong at all.

    • You are right. Your house is MIL-free for days 1-3, and then you are going on a trip to X days 4-7. He is welcome to join you any of those times, but MIL cannot.

      This is not you being mean. This is you enforcing a boundary, and you’re actually letting him choose whether he will enforce his own boundary (and not spend the week with MIL) or however else he wants to structure his life.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yes, this. Although I feel like it would be even better if he manned up and told her not to come, because I don’t see you getting through Days 1-3 with her in town without a fight even if she doesn’t come to the house.

        • I always appreciate the advice you give to other commenters, and you are spot on here. With her, there is no happy medium or compromise. This is the same woman who, when he calls, tells him the number of days it has been since his last call.

      • Mrs. Jones :


    • Go. Just go for the vacation.

    • You’re right. Go on vacation, by yourself if necessary.

    • I get why you are angry but moms install buttons that are hard to remove. Even for grown men. If it were me, I would find a girlfriend and treat her to a week long trip!

    • You’re both right. At the end of the day, it’s his mother! Can you go to one lunch and one dinner with her and then go on your vacation together?

      • Yeah if MIL were a normal well-adjusted human then this would work. But from OP’s description, it sounds like that’s not the case. MIL has zero respect for boundaries and there is a long history of issues with her. I’ll venture a guess that if OP and DH try to accommodate her by seeing her for just one day, the entire day is going to be listening to MIL moan about how she came ALL THIS WAY to see them but they don’t love her enough and she’s so lonely and unappreciated and blah blah blah. OP is at the end of her rope and desperately needs a break as it is. She shouldn’t sign up for a day of emotional blackmail.

    • I would be supremely annoyed in your shoes, but couching this as “Who’s right?” doesn’t get you anywhere. You want some internet strangers to tell you how right you are? You’re the right one, it’s you. But the real question is how to resolve this with your husband. If you’ve already fully explained yourself and he still doesn’t get it, then continuing to tell him how right you are isn’t going to make him change his mind.

      Book your vacation. Plan to go by yourself. You’re probably going to have to give up the staycation portion (sorry). Ymmv, if he’s this bad at enforcing boundaries with mom then I wouldn’t trust him to not let her in the house “just for a minute” or “just to use the bathroom” or, alternatively, you’re going to have to listen to him complain about mom.

      • JuniorMinion :

        I’d honestly leave for the whole week. Book myself into an all inclusive in Mexico (some deals out there y’all!) and tell my husband he can either a) come b) explain to MIL that I had pre-existing plans for a vacation that week so unfortunately I am not around.

        While in Mexico I would get massages, sit on the beach, eat delicious food and enjoy fine wine.

      • I disagree about going by yourself – I think that’s the last resort (no pun intended). 1) I see going by yourself is a point of no return. It’s sort of like throwing up your hands in defeat. I would resent the heck out of my husband the whole time I was away and looking back it would make me sad and angry to think about the time I went on a couples vacation by myself because my husband wouldn’t stand up to his mother and tell her that we already had plans. 2) If you go alone, he has no consequences for choosing his mother over his wife. Next time she does this he’ll do it to you again. I feel strongly that he needs to either call his mother back and explain he had plans he had forgotten about and make plans to see her another time, or cancel the trip and plan it for another time in the near future (and make it up to you big time! Wine, dine, romantic plans, the whole bit).

        By not saying no to her he’s really letting you down. If the shoe was on the other foot could you imagine telling your husband, tough luck, go by yourself? No way! You would call your mother back and say no. He owes you the same.

        • I’ve always enjoyed traveling and vacationing alone, and I could 100% go on a trip by myself without resenting my husband or mother-in-law in this situation. I’ve also sent my husband on vacation by himself, although it was because I had an unreasonable boss, not an unreasonable family member.

          Everyone is different, and I agree that OP should not go on vacation alone or with a friend if she’s going to feel let down, resentful, etc.

    • Thanks all. I realize that ultimately it can’t be about who is right, but my husband had a tendency to make me feel like I’m being unreasonable (which I admit I sometimes can be). I wanted verification that a normal response would be to still take the vacation.

      Those of you who picked up on the fact that there is no “just one dinner” or “just one lunch” as all we will get is an interrogation and complaints about the days we aren’t available. I think my husband is finally realizing that his parents are toxic but is still stuck in old patterns. I have a hard time because I don’t want to come between him and his family, but at the same time, I don’t want to cancel my vacation or have these same arguments over and over.

      • Sad Wife, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I used to be in a situation like this, and I appreciate how muddy everything can look when your husband is making you feel like you’re being unreasonable. In my case, it really made me question my judgment and doubt myself — thinking maybe he was right, and that I really was being unreasonable or unfair or unsupportive all the time. In retrospect, I so, so wasn’t! It was a way he was manipulating me to get what he wanted. I know it gets recommended here a lot, but I benefitted so much from individual therapy. It helped me get my confidence and boundaries back, which has been really helpful in pretty much all aspects of my life. I’m not sure whether it’s an option for you, but it really was a life-changer for me.

    • Anonymous :

      You are, obviously. Tell her you are not available, won’t see her, and to never plan a visit without asking again.

  2. In-House Europe- Needing Tips from NYers! :

    Hive! I’m going to be going to NYC for a girls weekend in July and am trying to decide on a good area to book an AirBnB. I want something with some character, with lots of local bars and restaurants, where a bunch of first-time NY visitors are going to feel comfortable. I was thinking Brooklyn – any specific neighborhoods? I’ve heard of Park Slope – yay or nay? What other (maybe cheaper) areas should I check and can you help out a girl and tell me some street names? :) Thanks so much ladies!!

    • You could do Park Slope or Brooklyn Heights (closer to the city), but I would try for the West/Greenwich Village. Once you narrow down your options, feel free to post here to verify location is good. Especially with Brooklyn, what gets listed as “Park Slope” can be a very broad category.

      • +1 to West/Greenwich Village.

        That being said, since you are first time NYC visitors, I would recommend most anywhere in Manhattan over Brooklyn (no offense to Brooklyn, I love Brooklyn!) if you plan to do typical NYC touristy things. Park Slope to, say, the Met is a very long subway or car ride.

    • AirBnB has some legal constraints in NYC. Most importantly, the host is required to live in the apartment. If you see listings for whole apartments, there’s a risk that the booking could be cancelled with little to no notice because the host has been busted.

      • In-House Europe- Needing Tips from NYers! :

        NYNY – Good to know, thanks!! AIMS – thanks for the suggestion!! Does East Village count as Greenwich? So not a NYer… :)

        • In-House Europe- Needing Tips from NYers! :

          What about NoHo? Agh…I hate being the tourist! :)

        • East Village is also nice but a little different. Think of the West Village as lots of charming brownstones and crooked streets (an anomaly in grid-based NYC) and the East Village as its slightly “grittier” cousin. Both areas are safe nowadays and it’s really more a matter of aesthetics. Greenwich Village is sometimes referred to interchangeably as West Village but is really more accurately in between the two and is a good location to be in for easy access to subways, which will make it easy to get to everywhere else in the city. All three have good restaurants and bars. Think of Broadway as the dividing line – Immediately around Broadway and slightly west of it is GV, below Broadway is East Village and Once you get to 7th avenue/Hudson or so you are in the West Village. Train service is best along Broadway or 6th and 7th Avenue.

          Nolita and Noho are also near and very charming/filled with lots of things to do.

          • If it helps you orient yourself – if you are within walking distance to West 4th, Bleeker, Astor Place, Spring Street or Prince Street subway stops you are going to be in a good spot (not an exclusive list, just off the top of my head).

            You can also look around Gramercy Park, but stick to west of third avenue for maximum charm/easy subway access.

    • Can you find anyone who can put you up in the NY Athletic Club (like you know someone who is a member at a reciprocal club in your city)? If I didn’t regularly go to NYC, I would cram my girlfriends into a suite at NYAC or stay near Washington Square Park for charm / convenience / walking to neat things.

      Incentra Village House was not too expensive and convenient one time I stayed there with friends.

    • Brooklyn Heights is beautiful and has a ton of tree lined streets that can make it feel really park-like. It’s close to the water, and generally has good subway access. Park Slope also has beautiful tree lined streets, is very close to Prospect Park, but depending on the location, subway access can be a little spotty.

    • I wouldn’t recommend staying in Park Slope if you are going to be doing sight seeing in Manhattan. You’ll spend a long time in transit – especially annoying if you want to go home and change before going out at night.

      Have you thought about VRBO (vacation rentals by owner)? I don’t do Air BNB but I rent my own home out and have rented several vacation homes through VRBO. Not sure if they same restrictions would apply in NYC.

    • I second the suggestions to check out Brooklyn Heights, or any of the “Villages” in lower Manhattan. I would also consider Williamsburg (it’s a quick L-ride away from lower Manhattan, and the L connects you to every other subway line for access to the rest of the city. Plus lots of local bars and restaurants, water views, etc.) The geographic area of Williamsburg is large, so try to be within walking distance of the L at Bedford or Lorimer.

      AIMS’ list above about walking distance subway stations is spot on – plus I would probably add any of the 14th street stops to expand the search radius. And in Brooklyn, that list would expand to Court St./Borough Hall, Bergen (on the F/G), Bedford, and Lorimer. I’d avoid Park Slope (it’s a great hood, but unless you plan to stay in Brooklyn for nearly all of your sightseeing, it will entail too much travel – and the subways are often wonky on weekends.)

      • Isn’t the L train from Williamsburg all screwed up now?

        • Anon in NYC :

          I think so – wouldn’t recommend staying on the L line.

        • Not yet. The L will shut down completely in 2019 for repairs to damage from Sandy. There are frequent delays and breakdowns, but that’s true for the whole system these days.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 – Park Slope and Brooklyn Heights are lovely but stay in Manhattan if you have never been to NYC before and want to go out drinking. Park Slope in particular is very family (kid) oriented.

        • Anonymous :

          PS – I can’t think of any neighborhood in Manhattan south of, say, 90th street (and I just don’t know upper Manhattan very well) that wouldn’t be pretty safe, even at night. Especially if it is near subways.

    • Hoboken or Jersey City are also options. Literally 10-15 min into the city via the PATH train, tons of restaurants, all the stuff you’re looking for. Plus waterfront views of Manhattan.

  3. Friends to Lovers? :

    I could use some advice from any other queer women on the board (though advice from anyone else is welcome too!)

    I went through a really long period of never really connecting with men despite dating fairly widely, and eventually figured that maybe I was asexual. Then I started falling for one of my (bisexual) female best friends. Butterflies in stomach, fantasizing about kissing her, over-analyzing every comment just in case it was a hint she was actually attracted to me, etc. Turns out she is, and we’ve decided to give it a try.

    I’m trying NOT to overthink things and just take it one day at a time. We’re both early 30s, professional, long distance but talk daily and meet several times a year. I guess I could just use some advise on navigating these early days of friends-to-lovers…as well as advice for potentially coming out to friends/family later in life when everyone’s just assumed you’ll be the Spinster Aunt for all your days!

    • Don’t overthink it, just go for it, let your heart lead you. Be open to new experiences.

      Coming out is not easy. Give yourself some time to digest what is happening in your life so that you are more confident in speaking with your friends and family. Be prepared for some awkward conversations and a lot of questions, but mostly lots of love and happiness from those that truly care about you. I came out to my friends and family slowly over the past year and have received nothing but lots of love. They were more upset that I didn’t tell them sooner. I also explained to my family that this is not something that I am ashamed of or want to hide so I hope they will not feel the need to cover it up when talking with their friends or our extended family.

      I encourage you to not wait years to come out. It is absolutely exhausting to essentially live two lives and hurtful to those you care about. Out of fear I began ignoring many of my family and friends so that I wouldn’t have to lie to them. I realize now how misplaced that was and am working hard to rebuild those relationships.

      • I’m straight but have friends and family that are not and want to say congratulations on finding something that makes you happy! Yay! I think you will find that you have more supporters than you thought and that a lot of people will just be happy that you are happy even if it’s a surprising new fact at first. Even among my very traditional relatives, most of the older generation have lived through enough to just want their friends and loved ones to be happy.

      • Friends to Lovers? :

        Thank you. This is really helpful — especially the warning about not withdrawing from my family and friends, because I tend to do that when I’m worried they’ll disapprove. They survived me leaving their conservative religion, though, so I’m pretty sure they’ll survive this. :)

    • I can bite. I am a single. out gay woman in my early 30s. I came out a while back but I move relatively frequently for work and my physical appearance is not stereotypically “gay” so I need to basically come out to everyone in my new city each time I move.

      I think the best way to do it is just matter-of-factly and then keep the conversation moving. Hearing about a long distance relationship in your 30s is interesting to basically no one that is not you and you should treat this relationship the same as you would any other relationship with a man you’ve been in.

      Something that I find effective is just presenting it as a totally ordinary yet positive thing in year life and do not invite or provide an opening for anyone to provide commentary beyond sharing in your excitement. There’s no need to discuss the details of your new relationship (whether with a man or woman with anyone but even your closest friends and family, and maybe not even that.)

      I also wouldn’t specifically “come out” to anyone beyond your absolute closest friends and family. Remember, that you’re basically talking about your sex life when you do that. I would just casually drop your gf in conversation and keep it moving.

      For example, someone at work asks what you are doing for July 4th – you say, “I am visiting my girlfriend sarah in new york. We’re going to see that art exhibit you mentioned earlier. What are the pieces I shouldn’t miss?”

      If they respond, “wow, you have a gf?!?” no matter the tone – breezily respond “Yes, we’re really happy. Thanks. How about you – what are you doing this weekend?”

      There may be a brief flurry of whatever. But if you remain totally upbeat and matter-of-fact by positively acknowledging it and then redirecting the conversation, it will quickly die down.

      I’m repeating myself but just keep it matter of fact and breezily positive. When it comes down to it, no one else cares about the love life of a 30 something. The specific details of your life are frankly not very interesting. Do not overshare to people that you are not otherwise very close to while you are going through this new and very exciting thing in your life.

      Also, do not think that you need to automatically come out to every single person in your life at once. That doesn’t make you a “bad gay.” This is new to you. Take time and drop it in conversation as it feels natural to you. Also, if you’re nervous, start with people that you think would be positive/unphased with the news.

      I work in a pretty conservative industry and have used this tactic successfully in all crowds. I am moving through the ranks relatively quickly so I will take it as a sign that my strategy works.

      Good luck and Congrats!

      • Friends to Lovers? :

        Hah, that’s EXACTLY how my boss came out in the office — mentioning that he would be out of town that Friday because he was doing something with his boyfriend. It was a total non-issue, so I shouldn’t have a problem following that lead.

        (Good point about oversharing; I don’t really want to hear about anyone else’s dating life either!)

    • Betterandbetter :

      Oh how exciting! Definitely enjoy and take things one day at a time as is your plan.I married someone who started out as a friend too.

      My only cautions are that in this situation when you are 1) seeing a close friend and 2) in your first same sex relationship after not having a ton of experiences generally you are in a situation that may extra lead you to rush things because you suddenly want to experience ALL THE RELATIONSHIP THINGS and you may use the intamacy you have built as friends as an excuse to rush the due diligence you might ordinarily do before making larger relationship moves. My wife and I were pretty close before dating. I was still surprised by some things.

      RE coming out: I think the Dan Savage advice of keeping in mind that however much time you have had to recon with your sexuality the people in your life have had less and you should have patience accordingly is great. I actually think you are in a better position than you think especially if you never had a long term relationship with a man. I’m pretty high femme (wearing a dress with a begonia print as I type) so not anyone people without excellent gaydar peg for queer on sight. Came out at 22 and most of my family was not surprised because I’d never had a boyfriend.It was fairly easy for them to reconcile.

      My friend who came out at 37 with a husband and two kids, well that’s much harder.

      • Friends to Lovers? :

        Thank you. I’ll definitely keep your caution in mind about not rushing the due diligence — a wise idea in any relationship but especially here. I’m really happy it worked out for you and quietly hoping it does for me, too. :)

    • calibrachoa :

      First off, congratulations! Second off, I am in the same boat as you, or at least in the same flotilla – my gf and I were friends for years before Things Happened and we’re in a LDR now. I don’t really have much advice because I feel like I am floundering around myself, but you’re not alone in this! :)

    • I wrote a super long post that isn’t appearing.

      Out woman here who moves a lot for work and thus has to -recome out to new people fairly regularly.

      I agree that you should not be closeted because it’s exhausting and not worth it. Also, People just don’t care as much as you think they do (and I work in a very conservative industry.)

      The gist of it though is treat it as something totally boring yet positive in your life. And don’t specifically “come out” to people that you are not personally close with.

      For instance talking about it at work:

      Coworker “What are you doing for July 4th weekend?”

      You “Visiting my GF sarah in NYC. You were just there with your family, right? Any recommendations on things I should do?”

      Coworker – either answers the question or says “wow, you have a gf?!”

      You: regardless of their tone keep it up beat and positive and then redirect again “Yes, we’re really happy. Thanks. What are you doing for the holiday weekend?”

      There might be a small flurry of convo after you start dropping this fact in conversation but if you respond to respond in a positive, breezy way and keep the conversation moving to another topic, it will die down quickly.


    • Anonymama :

      I’ve been friends and family and almost everyone was not too surprised and was very happy for the person coming out. Although there were some well-intentioned but awkward conversations with older relatives (“We read a book by a lesbian in my book club!).

    • Ah I am coming to this way too late in the day and it’s sad because this is the post I’ve identified most in my long time of reading here. I’m in the exact same position as you (well, mostly). My difference is that I haven’t figured out how to really broach the “should we date?” conversation with my friend. This is because she also sits right beside me at work and I’m worried about the consequences associated with that if she doesn’t feel the same way (though I really think she does). What to do?! How did you bring this conversation up?

      • Friends to Lovers? :

        Possibly too late, but I’ll share anyway in hopes you come back:

        Turns out my friend and I had a couple months of mutually pining at each other without being sure about reciprocation; there were a lot of moments of “is she flirting with me?” “Does she recognize I’m flirting with her??” Eventually, it came down to a long late-night conversation where we were talking about what we each wanted in a (hypothetical) relationship, and I said, half-laughing, “Well it sounds like I’d be ideal for you!” About ten minutes later she turned the conversation back to that moment and told me she thought I’d be ideal, too. And then we both hyperventilated for a while. ;)

        I hope things go well for you — I’m cheering for you!!

  4. Single people :

    I stumbled on a TED talk called “What you didn’t know about single people”. There are often discussions here on the struggles of finding someone, and also on how unhelpful it is when people say you should be grateful for your singleness when you are frustrated by the process. But there’s also the assumption that you are miserable–I’ve experienced it at least of being pitied by people and even being berated in my culture on not having found a man especially if you are already in your thirties. Anyway one premise of the talk is addressing the assumption that getting married will exponentially increase your happiness among other things. I came away with the reminder that yes it’s okay to feel frustrated if you aren’t partnered up and you want to be, but also it’s valid to revel in the things that are going well in your life even as you go about meeting new people and hoping that one of those will end up being longterm. I found this helpful when this morning I saw yet another social media post about someone having a kid and felt abit sad coz I’m not there yet—-but then I reminded myself that last year at this time, my life was also in a very bad place, won’t go into details but steps that I took then mean that today things are so much better. I’ve seen a saying that you are always one decision or step away from improving your situation. The link to the TED talk is below:

    • Single people :


    • I just think of the high school classmates I see on facebook who have already gotten divorced and re-married (sometimes more than once) before they’re 30. It reminds me that just because you get married doesn’t mean you get happily ever after.

      • anonshmanon :

        rant: tell my partner’s parents that. They eagerly anticipate us getting married and wont take our six-year relationship for real before this happens. Their other child has been married multiple times by now, so they could realize it’s not a guarantee.

      • Yup, agreed. Also, just because youre coupled doesnt mean youre happy either. Dont get me started on how many times I see my friends and acquaintances post on social media about how in love they are with their partner when literally an hour or so before they were telling me how unhappy and trapped they are.

        • Yeah, I have never known anyone who was constantly performing happiness like that and was actually happy.

    • Watching the video now. I appreciate the points, though her presentation style is driving me nuts! She’s laughing over her own words constantly.

      Single at 35, I find it can help to think of myself as kind of a transgressive character just in the fact that I exist. Our culture and laws are so militantly pro-coupledom, especially for women, that it feels like resistance to not do it, and not even try to do it. Same for motherhood! Whenever I feel lonely or uncelebrated, I remember that that makes sense when you’re going against the grain. (See also Brene Brown and how vulnerability is actually “counter-cultural.”)

  5. For a brand devoted to impeccable tailoring, I’d expect this blazer to fit better

    • I’d be curious if they intend “tailoring” to mean the fit of the jacket (which isn’t going to be impeccable unless you make it easy to alter) or the construction and finishing techniques used.

  6. Tall Brands? :

    I’m new to the professional world, and also really tall (6 feet). I can usually get away with normal sizes in tops and jackets, but I definitely need long/tall sizes in pants, skirts, and dresses (35 inch inseam). Most of my work wear so far is from Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, and J Crew because they all carry tall sizes. Any other suggestions for brands that carry nice work clothes in tall sizes?

    • lost academic :

      Long Tall Sally is OK but the quality is a bit on the decline. Depending on where you are there are a few physical stores in the US. Great inseams for sure. I do miss the Limited…. in terms of work wear, though, and not more casual side of business casual, there’s not as much as there used to be. The Gap has some stuff. NY&Company has good tall pants (quality very hit or miss).

      • Same height here and you’ve listed every option that I’m aware of. Sometimes skirts from Nordstrom are long enough as is. I get a lot of mileage out of Old Navy, as well.

    • Sometimes Talbots has talls intheir pants.

    • Midwest Mama :

      Yeah, sadly I think most brands have all been listed here already, but I will add Boden, especially for dresses. Pants are getting easier than jackets, but it’s still not easy. (Said as a fellow 6-footer with long limbs.)

    • Boden also carries tall sizes. I’ve gotten a few ponte dresses there that are good quality for casual days.

      I also got some cute ankle pants from the gap recently in tall that I really like.

      But yes, Banana and J Crew are really the only business formal places I am aware of.

    • I’m also 6′ and have good luck with Hobbs and Boss.

  7. Insignificant Rant: I get a ton of email to my work address from solicitors – selling software or recruiters or other “solutions.” Annoying, but easy to delete. But what drives me nuts is when they keep sending the same email over and over, but change the title to things like “John @ Capleaf – Second Attempt” or “Meeting This Week – Third Attempt”. Does that work on anyone? Because yes it makes me scan your email, but then it p***es me off and makes me block you. Why do they think this is a good idea?

    • Ugh, I got a phone call from someone offering event management services – on my mobile! And then received a follow-up phone call. Not sure how they got the number but I’m distinctly unimpressed.

    • Anonymous :

      Because email gets buried in inboxes and it often takes a second or third email before the person actually sees it.

    • co-sign. I once got a bunch of emails from some personal finance guy who behaved as if I’d already agreed to meet him- he sent probably 5 emails “following up about our meeting” and bribing me with starbucks cards.

    • No idea. I get the same kinds of emails and never feel anything but rage towards the organizations sending them to me.

    • I get dozens of spam calls a week, most of which I just ignore, but sometimes I forget and pick it up. They’re always one of two things: “this is your final IRS notice” or “we are calling about your current credit card account”. I always think, who the eff does that crap work on??

      • Old people, sadly.

        My then 88-yo Nana and my co-worker’s 78-yo Nana were duped in the same week. Same scam. Fear works when you don’t have much of an education or access to verifiable sources!

    • My pet peeve is being called by my first name as if they know me personally.

    • I’m in sales. You’re seeing techniques like this because at one point they were very effective (when it was novel), and has now spread through basically all sales organizations as a best practice, since allegedly the average response comes after 9+ ‘touch points.’ There are many extremely expensive ($1k per month per user) software solutions that actually automate this whole process, so they just plug your email and name in and the emails go out automatically on a schedule, but they would automatically stop if you replied.

      The issue is that by the time something becomes a best practice in sales or marketing, it’s already ineffective. TL;DR: It used to work very well, still works when properly utilized, bet now it’s ingrained as the way things are done even when it’s not being utilized properly.

    • Anonymous :

      What about those weird solicitation faxes that come in – can you imagine anyone responds to those?

    • WestCoast Lawyer :

      The other one that drives me nuts is “hi, I’m the new account rep for your company and wanted to schedule some time to check in to see how we can better address your needs.” Um, I’ve never heard of you and if you were really the “new” rep with a company we already had an account with I would hope they would have given you contact information for someone who was actually familiar with whatever service you are trying to provide.

  8. After having a long heart-to-heart with my sister over the weekend, I realized that her marriage is in deep trouble than I realized. I knew she and my BIL were fighting a lot, but that they were simply under a lot of external stressors and things would eventually work out. She talked a lot about how if she failed her marriage, it would mean that she was a failure as a person and she doesn’t know if she can live with that. Plus our parents absolutely adore BIL, and she feels like they would never forgive her if they split. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s how she feels. Meanwhile, she’s feeling completely unsupported by her husband and he isn’t happy with her, either.

    My heart is breaking for her. My BIL is a friendly, agreeable guy and wonderful with hands-on parenting, but he is passive to the point that my sister has to be the bad guy/enforcer on pretty much everything. If you’re a fan of DrPsychMom, they have the “nice guy/crazy wife” dynamic. Which is bananas, because my sister is not a drama llama in the least. I also don’t like that he’s essentially blaming her for his shortcomings and trying to convince her that she’s making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t think he realizes that’s what he’s doing, but does it matter? If I read that from someone here, I’d be telling them to DTMF.

    How I can support her during this really tumultuous time, when she might very well be making big decisions about the future of their marriage? I’m trying to be very careful not to say anything bad about my BIL. About the most I’ve said is “yeah, we all love hanging with BIL, but we’re not the ones married to him.” She is going to pursue counseling and my BIL also says he’ll go (but won’t make the stupid appointment, of course). But things look really shaky and I’m scared for her.

    • Anonymous :

      So except for the fact that I’ve never told my sister, this is basically me.

      Good news is that counselling has been helping us. We’re seeing a Gottman trained counselor and focusing a lot of discussion on co-parenting issues. Focuses on how we treat each other and rediscovering ourselves as romantic partners not just co-parents. DH is generally speaking a good father and we share the goal of making the marriage work. No drugs/abuse/infidelity so I feel like marraige should be ‘easy’ but it’s not. Gottman Institute has a great FB feed with lots of articles on parenting as well. Might be worth following and sharing anything relevant with your sister.

      In terms of concrete help – offer to take the kids for the weekend so they can attend a Gottman seminar or just take the kids for a couple hours once a week so they can get a weekly date.

      • Thank you. I’ll check out the Gottman stuff. I have offered to watch the kids for a few hours so they can have some time alone. I hope she takes me up on it.

      • I know people on here insist that it’s possible to have an easy marriage, but unless you are perfectly matched and both laid back about mostly everything, I just don’t see how that can be the case, especially when there are little kids involved. There have been times when my marriage has been easy, but juggling the schedules, personalities, tastes, and desires of two working adults living in a house together and then bringing a child into the mix has been challenging. Worthwhile, but challenging.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      One area that jumps out at me as a place you can be supportive is to help her eliminate the stress of what her family/your parents will think if she has to split. It just shouldn’t factor into her considerations. I think you’re off to a good start about ‘we like him but we’re not married to him’ but you could also tell her, explicitly, that “what will our parents think?!” should not matter. And you can reassure her that they love her first and foremost (hope that’s true) or that if they are mad at her for doing what she has to do they’re being jerks and she shouldn’t worry about their opinion…

    • People see more than your sister gives them credit for. Anyone who knows and loves her will know that she’s not the crazy wife, that something must be going on in their marriage.

      I’ve broken up with this breed of “nice guy” a couple of times. Each time, I was convinced my friends and family would disown me for not being able to make it work with the guy. But after each breakup, everyone was pretty relieved it was over. At a minimum, people will say things like, you didn’t seem like your best self with that guy.

  9. Is it acceptable to wear a skirt with a bad sunburn and/or when the sunburn starts peeling? This weekend I got an awful sunburn on my legs. Ibuprofen and liberal application of aloe have helped the pain, but my legs look pretty alarming. I’m wearing loose pants today, but I’d rather not (and don’t have the wardrobe to) wear pants every day until the sunburn fades. Also, any other tips for helping a sunburn heal faster?

    • Anonymous :

      I’d add cool wet washclothes to help pull out the heat to your routine. Some people will tell you vinegar, but that’s an old wives tale.

    • Personally, I would show my sunburnt legs right up till they started peeling. Don’t know why, but that’s where I would draw the line for myself.

      If your skin us that badly damaged, do you want it exposed to brush against everything, though?

    • Baconpancakes :

      Not sure on making the sunburn heal quicker, but I’d stick with the pants, just because I don’t like my colleagues commenting on my body (and thus noticing it unnecessarily), and anything that looks as painful as your sunburn sounds is going to draw a lot of comments. If you have days without meetings when you’re hidden by a desk, though, it would be fine to wear skirts.

    • Are you using pure aloe gel? Products like solarcaine aren’t pure aloe gel and I don’t find them as effective. Other than that though there’s not really anything you can do to help a burn heal faster, IME (which is lots cause I’m white AF).

      I think you should wear what you’re comfortable in until it starts peeling. Shedding skin everywhere does seem unprofessional to me. But I don’t think a sunburn is. If it was on your face you’d have to show it, and I don’t see it as better or worse for it to be on your legs.

    • I usually just lean into a bad sunburn (rare, thankfully) when it comes to work. Last summer, a bad sunburn from a long day outside had me looking extra lobstery. So, I threw on a red dress and red shoes and hoped that the lack of contrast made it less noticeable. …not sure that worked, but I had fun with it. I covered up any peeling with linen pants.

    • lost academic :

      I don’t know why it wouldn’t be acceptable… it’s the healthy thing to do not to abrade the skin too much if you’re peeling all over your legs. In my experience, pants make it worse because they will constantly rub against your legs. Depending on where it is and how bad, you may just need use trial and error. Don’t go trying to peel it yourself faster, that tends to lead to peeling up good skin and causing it to take longer to heal.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Because someone will say “sunburns are not professional” or some such nonsense. That’s a thing.

        • Baconpancakes :

          Eh I came into work with a huge bruise on my leg that I had forgotten about when I dressed in the morning, and the number of “oh my god are you ok? That looks awful!” comments and the ensuing awkward conversation about how I got the bruise created my policy against unnecessarily exposing unimportant but startling-looking injuries at work.

          • This topic is on AAM today. Whether or not consistent heavy bruising from playing contact sports is “professional” in a non-client facing role.

          • lost academic :

            I fell down the hole of AAM again! Oh well…

            I guess this just where I can’t get on the side of normal and see where they are coming from. It’s a bruise. It’s one thing if it’s on your face and really making a statement/something everyone is forced to see if they look at you, but I just can’t see how bruising is unprofessional.

      • My concern was mostly what Baconpancakes said about not wanting to draw comments from coworkers, no matter how professional the comment or how good the intentions behind it. Also, I’m the youngest person in my office by a good 20 years, so I’m typically overly cautious about looking professional.

        • Anon in NYC :

          Eh, unless it’s *really* obvious, I doubt most people would notice. And even if they did, most wouldn’t say anything. I think a bruise is a more obvious indicator of some sort of fall/trauma, whereas your legs probably just look really red.

          If somebody says anything, just say, “yeah, my sunblock stopped working and I forgot to reapply it.”

        • lost academic :

          I understand that completely, but when fears of not seeming professional clash with healthy, I’d choose healthy. Not saying this would necessarily be that choice, but I’ve seen people suggest that a cast or
          arm splint isn’t “professional” and that’s really a bridge too far.

          • But, gently, I’d suggest that sunburn is not healthy either, and having one displays disregard for common knowledge of how to protect one’s skin from damage that is serious and severe. Just being honest but if someone I supervised came in with a wicked sunburn, I would question their good judgement for that reason.

          • I find that interesting. If they did it week after week, I’d be concerned, but a sunburn = judgment issue? Seems a bit far in my opinion.

          • Fair enough! I am pretty judgy sometimes and sunscreen is a hot button issue with me (I’m the sunscreen police), and if the person was a good performer I probably wouldn’t make too much of it although I would wonder. But really, I wonder what is going on in my friends’ heads when at 40+ they kick off the summer with a nasty sunburn. They know better – everyone does!!

          • This is exactly the kind of judgement I’m trying to avoid from my coworkers. I got a sunburn. Yes, I am an adult who knows better. Yes, I should have reapplied my sunscreen more frequently to prevent it (or sat in the shade, or worn pants, or not gone outside in the first place or whatever else). Yes, I know how terrible this is for my skin. No, I don’t make a habit of frying my skin in the sun every weekend.
            People screw up and do stupid things. On this occasion, I was stupid to not protect my skin better. I’m aware of that fact, but I’d rather my skincare failures not be presumed to be reflective of my job performance. I don’t particularly want to explain to my coworkers that I was stupid, but I’m also not fond of being in pain all day or irritating my sunburned skin by wearing pants. Thus my dilemma of skirt v. pants at work until this mess heals.

          • I would not judge you for getting a sunburn, but i would be a little icked out by the thought of your skin shedding in the office…

            I mean, i know that everyone’s skin does that every day. But still. For that reason alone, i’d wear pants.

          • Totally! That’s why the one-off sunburns are, imho, something to dismiss as simply bad luck. Repeat burns? Totally, I’d be concerned.

            Think about it like cavities. We ALL know how to take care of our teeth, but sometimes, they happen. On their own, they aren’t moral or judgment failings. If you mouth is visibly rotting from the inside out all the time, I’d be concerned about judgment in the face of better evidence.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            Wow I’m astounded that you’d question someone’s judgment if they got a sunburn. Do you judge someone for coming to work with a twisted ankle? What if they got it by trying out a new sport that they weren’t quite in condition to do? I mean… Injuries happen. We try to keep ourselves safe but sometimes we screw up. (I am also the sunscreen police, but I certainly don’t think it’s a character failure when someone screws up on that front.)

          • Constant Reader :

            Whoa, the judgement about one-off sunburn indicating bad judgement seems to ignore the complexity of life. I am at super high risk of sunburn and have been actively managing it ever since my teens. However, I’m also active outside. Sometimes you switch sunscreens and they don’t work as well/stay on as well/are complete BS (read the news about the Honest Company sunscreen and the lawsuit), sometimes you get caught out longer in the sun than you expected (flat tire, detours, delays, etc.) and run through your backup sunscreen cache (yes, I have one but I can’t take a full bottle of my main go-to screen) too fast, sometimes unusual circumstances (more sun reflection off certain surfaces, etc.) conspire against you. Best laid plans of the most sun-averse, high skin cancer risk, “I know how to avoid sunburn” of us can go awry.

          • Anonymous :

            Yikes at the judgment. You realize some of us get sunburned when exposed to the sun no matter what precautions we take, short of wearing a burqa? The last time I got sunburned, I was sitting in traffic so I couldn’t get out of the sun. The windows were up, I applied a high SPF sunscreen hourly, and I was wearing a shirt (albeit a thin material) that covered all exposed skin. I still burned on my shoulders and chest.

    • Farmer's Tan :

      Similar situation, but what about exposed arms with a wicked farmer’s tan? I got burnt over a week ago so the peeling is mostly gone and now it just looks silly. Don’t want really want to show off my awkward bare arms but it’s so hot out! Thoughts?

    • Tech Comm Geek :

      Are maxi skirts appropriate for your office? That might be another way to conceal your poor legs until they heal.

      • +1

        I would get out some wide leg pants or a long midi or maxi skirt.

        Showing severe sunburn is ok, but I’d hide the peeling skin. It actually will appear a little “gross” (sorry!) to some people. It is essentially a type of wound and peeling skin is never a good look at work.


    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Do what is comfortable and makes sense for you. The whole sunburn/bruises stuff here is so eyeroll worthy. People get bruises and sunburn. Some people get sunburn even with sunscreen, and some people who typically use sunscreen can make an honest mistake and forget it or forget to reapply.

    • Get a prescription for silver sulfadiazine. It will help your burn heal much faster. Keep wearing skirts; having anything rubbing against damaged skin hurts and will delay recovery.

    • Anonymous :

      Yup. Wearing your skin is always fine.

    • I get skin allergies from time to time and then I wear flowy maxi dress. I can’t imagine wearing short skirts or shorts as I would spend the whole workday explaining what happened to each person that sees me that day. Also, the flowy maxi dresses feel nice on skin.
      I rarely get sunburnt (spf 50 everyday), but I have good experience with cooling the skin (gradual cold shower, wet compresses – whichever yountolerate), reducing the itch (Fenistil or other antihistamin gel and I also take antihistamin tabs orally), moisturizing (avoid any creams with urea or AHA/smoothing properties; I like a thick layer of Physiogel). Where I come from, people swear by Panthenol foams/sprays/creams and applying white unsweetened yoghurt or sour cream as a home remedy for sunburn ;). And I would recommend to dring more water than usual.

  10. Sandals help :

    I would like to get some trendy and yet comfortable sandals/heels for the summer that I can wear to work (business casual). I don’t want really high heels and would prefer a block or wedge in a neutral or metallic. Suggestions? I’ve been looking at the Clarks Helios Float 4.

    • I’ve been looking at the Sofft Rosaria for this purpose. The strap variations might be too casual for you, but I love them!

    • Baconpancakes :

      I just bought Earthies Brie in silver and am wearing them today. They’re flat but D’Orsay cut, so they expose a lot of skin but still feel office casual appropriate. They’re surprisingly comfortable, and amazingly, stay on my feet.

    • How about something like this? I think I would go closed toe for business casual. http://www.zappos.com/p/sam-edelman-lara-golden-caramel/product/8874417/color/586400

    • I recently bought the Toms Majorca sandal and have been wearing them out and also to my office – super comfy! The logo in the back is not noticeable at all in the gray color.

      • Sandals help :

        ooo, I like those, too. these are all great suggestions!

        • I just looked at my order confirmation – I actually bought the “taupe” color which reads to me as more of a brown-gray. Very neutral!

    • I just bought these in tan for my business casual office – https://www.dsw.com/_/N-lzxm/product/franco-sarto-dade-wedge-sandal/387014?activeColor=800

      Haven’t worn them yet but they seemed pretty comfortable in the store!

    • I have these in 2 colors and they’re very comfortable. https://www.dsw.com/_/N-lzxm/product/franco-sarto-hachi-sandal/381305?activeColor=400

  11. Atlanta Experiences :

    I need suggestions for a wedding gift of gift certificates to Atlanta experiences or restaurants. Is there a high end restaurant group that has a variety of locations? Or a cooking school that does single classes? I am open to other types of ideas too. This is for a couple that is on the sporty side, is into good food and has only lived there for about two years. Willing to spend a few hundred dollars. TIA

    • Cook’s Warehouse does awesome cooking classes, including lots of themed ones where you cook and eat a meal. You could do a Star Provisions gift card; that would be usable at Bacchanalia and Anne Quatrano’s other restaurants (as well as at the Star Provisions store). A couple hundred dollars might not go far at Bacchanalia, but would at her other spots.

    • You could also get them a gift certificate to the insane ziplines at Banning Mills, which I am desperate to try. I hear good things.

    • These are great, especially if the cause would hold some meaning to them.


      • Also, CHG restaurants if you want a more traditional GC option

      • Maudie Atkinson :

        That looks awesome. I didn’t know these existed. Thanks for sharing!

      • Atlanta Experiences :

        I really like the idea of the ACFB certificate, but the schedule was really sparse. Do you know if that is a seasonal thing? If there is a decent schedule during the year, that would be my number one choice.

        • It’s not just a seasonal thing. They do it year-round but post the schedule in spurts, so they’ll put up 8 for the season, and then it’s quiet until they post a bunch again en masse. They don’t always have the full menus far ahead of time, which I find really frustrating but you know better how important that would be. They do post the chef/host site, which you can usually infer the general theme from but if there are dietary restrictions the lack of menu could be a problem.

        • FYI, Cook’s Warehouse hosts most of the Giving Kitchen classes, so you could actually get them a Cook’s Warehouse gift certificate for classes and include the Giving Kitchen schedule with it – then they’d have that as an option but could do one of the other classes if the schedule didn’t work.

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      Prix fixe is back at Bacchanalia, though, so $200 would get the menu for two, and then they’d cover wine. For anyone into food, that would be my very first suggestion.

    • Eager Beaver :

      The cooking classes at Sur La Table in Phipps are really enjoyable: https://www.surlatable.com/category/cat2211278/Find+a+Cooking+Class?affsrcid=AFF0005&utm_term=sur_la_tab_cooking_classes&adpos=1t1&creative=194308934776&device=c&matchtype=e&network=g&gclid=CjwKEAjw7J3KBRCxv93Q3KSukXQSJADzFzVSKPl5MHs42ubjabt0Wi6KmgGQ70in1p9eD97Xv2yn9xoC5Irw_wcB.

      For restaurant groups, I would go with: the chgrestaurants group (Iberian Pig, Cooks and Soldiers, Double Zero) https://gifts.opentable.com/The-Iberian-Pig?ref=1. Other popular ones are the Fifth Group and Buckhead Life. Ford Fry also has a ton of really popular and delicious restaurants, but I can’t find a link to purchase a card for more than a single restaurant.

    • lost academic :

      I’d go with Concentrics Restaurants for a group, they were long our favorite in the city. For one offs, I’d go with Canoe.

    • Atlanta Experiences :

      Thanks for the feedback. These are great ideas.

  12. Bruise Cure :

    Help!! I am getting married in six days. After waking up with a horrible crick in my neck and unable to turn it at all, I got a super deep tissue massage just in that area for 90 minutes. In retrospect, she overdid it however the crick is gone which feels like a miracle. But! She dug in with her nails and I know have these nasty bruises on my upper shoulder and neck. Although she didn’t break skin some of them have also taken on a weird scab-like texture. I’ve been icing and applying arnica gel. What else can I do? Neosporin for the scab-like ones? Hopefully my makeup artist will be able to cover it up, but I’m wearing my hair up and a strapless dress, so I really want this to heal! Bridal nightmare

    • I had a similar situation shortly before my wedding. Whatever lotion the masseuse used irritated my skin and left lines of tiny scabs/scratches on my shoulders. I used neosporin for a couple of days and my makeup artist covered whatever was left. It was totally fine and you can’t see anything in the photos.

      Good luck!

    • Cornellian :

      I’ve had luck with getting blood moving through bruised areas either through gentle(!) massage if you can handle it, or light exercises.

      • Clementine :

        In high school, we would always ‘comb’ our bruises (particularly those on the neck from especially enthusiastic makeout sessions).

        Literally, just rake a comb over it with light/medium pressure. It really does help the bruise go away faster.

    • I took these tiny pills that came in a blue bottle over the counter, and they really worked! I wish I could remember the name of it, but you might try Googling or just looking at your grocery store. They healed me right up.

    • KateMiddletown :

      Ahhh! I’m getting married in 2 weeks. How are you concentrating at work??

      • Bruise Cure :

        It’s soo hard! I’m also taking a ton of time off (3 1/2 weeks!!) so there is so much to do before I’m out in a couple days. Just try to take it easy.. I am breaking out, stress eating, getting random muscle twitches and issues (see above: neck crimp!). exercise, meditation. Also, I printed out a daily calendar and wrote just 1-2 tasks to do each day, which makes my giant to-do list a lot more approachable. Finally I wrote a list of stuff for my FH to do and put it on the fridge, so I don’t have to nag him but it will get done.

        (I’m also the ill-advised bride on here baking her own cake. Will report back on that…)

        • KateMiddletown :

          AH! We are going the complete opposite route w/ cake. Ordering an XL donut cake (14″ chocolate sprinkle donut.) Literally ordering it today for our wedding on the 1st. Going the DIT route w/ the flowers though… I cannot be more excited!

          Also, if worse comes to worst, you can always get a spray tan to camo any remaining bruises. I just booked one after trying it out about a month ago. That’s my “last 5 lbs” cure. Good luck!!!

          • One thing I regret deeply about my own wedding 7 years ago? Not having a donut cake. We are from a place where that is a thing (maybe you’re from the same great little state…) and I am SO MAD we didn’t just have one. Our cake was lovely but meh, and I know that the donut cake would have been way better.

          • turtletorney :

            getting married end of Sept…. i’m considering a spray tan but worried the armpits / other areas of my dress will get noticeably stained. is this a nonissue if you shower enough times beforehand?

    • Eat some spinach!

  13. Shopaholic :

    I’m no longer seeing my trainer for a variety of reasons so now I’m looking for a way to come up with my own workouts. Is there an app that you can use to find exercises so you can create a circuit? I feel like something like this should exist but there are so many things in the app store that it’s a bit overwhelming.

    Thanks all!

    I’m also contemplating really committing to pure barre instead but I feel like lifting heavier is probably the way to go? Eager to hear your thoughts!

    • Haven’t tried it yet, but I’ve heard good things about Aaptiv.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I think it depends on what you want. I’ve been doing pure barre about two months 4-6 times a week and really like it and have seen and feel results, but they’re not big muscle results. They’re definition and tone and generally having things fit better results. So, if that’s what you’re looking for, pure barre is great. But if you want muscles, it’s not what you’ll want to commit to. I also have to commit to cardio (which, I’ll admit, ends up being 10-15K steps a day with no real high intensity) on top of barre unless I go to a platform class because it’s just not enough cardio.

    • What are your goals and what equipment/workout spaces are available to you?

      I know you said you’re not interested in heavy lifting, but I’ve found the New Rules of Lifting for Women extremely educational and helpful to building a routine from scratch. You could also look into a series of workouts on Youtube, or online (e.g., Betty Rocker). Pure Barre is great (and I am a devotee as well) but I don’t get much of any cardio benefit from the regular classes (though Platform classes would get your heart going) — so for me it’s not a one-stop-shop.

    • JuniorMinion :

      Broken record here but I love fitnessblender. They have youtube videos and also sell programs for $10 – $15 that will set up a calendar of workouts for you for 4/8 weeks.

    • I do lift heavy, I use the Strongur app (it’s free). It has a lot of different built in workouts, and a lot of built in exercises so you can customize. Downside is that it doesn’t do a great job calculating what weight to increase to, if that’s what you want, so I do a lot of manually adjusting the weight. It’s also hard to input data correctly to start with and tricky to adjust a program without overwriting something. It works best if you do a similar routine consistently, or use a program someone else already built. I’m doing an adjusted MadCow program FWIW

      Also for anyone considering starting to lift heavy, Stronglifts 5×5 is how I got started and that app is GREAT, especially for beginners.

    • I used to have a fantastic yoga app on my iPad where you could build your own sequences, pose by pose, and then it would play back as one fluid workout. It was awesome (and may still exist…). The closest I can find for workouts otherwise is Sworkit.

      I love barre, too, and might suggest alternating barre with lifting?

    • Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just use google to find workouts…You can also find several on pinterest.

    • The Nike Training App has been amazing for me. You can filter the options by what you want to do, your skill level, whether you have equipment, or your time. Cannot recommend it enough. It’s free.

    • BBG/Sweat with Kayla is an app that has great circuit workouts. It’s only a few bucks a month.

    • Not exactly what you are looking for but I like Runtastic Results. There are set workouts for a 12-week challenge, standalone workouts (fullbody) or targeted workouts for specific areas. I got a 1-month subscription to test it and upgraded to a yearly one soon after that.
      I like that the app is working with you, you do not need any equipment and you can do the workouts at home within 25mins.

  14. Hoping others here can relate. My parents do not get my high-stress, rewarding job at all. It’s a huge part of who I am and where I spend a lot of my time, but when I see them and try to engage them about it, I’m met with blank stares. Mom stayed at home with us and Dad had a job he hated, so neither can really relate to loving work, let alone finding it stimulating and interesting. But it’s starting to really bother me. They don’t even seem to know what to ask or how to react when I try to tell them things. Any advice?

    • I wouldn’t say my parents don’t get it, but we don’t really talk about work because it’s not an exciting topic of conversation for my family’s style. Sometimes friends and I will talk about work if there is some kind of office drama involved, but overall I think it’s kind of one of those things that most people don’t make a point of discussing a lot with their friends and family.

      • +1 – I’d stop talking about work with them. I mean, you can tell them about the promotion you are excited about, or a work trip to an interesting location, but they just aren’t going to care about the day to day workings or office politics to way you do.

        Find something else to talk with them about – if you don’t have other things going in your life to spark conversation, then ask them about their lives.

        • This is terrible advice, b/c it’s impossible (and its the kind of advice given by people who don’t understand b/c they have normal, not demanding jobs).

          Your parents want you to visit or plan a holiday together, but you can’t b/c JOB. Or, you get a nanny b/c JOB. Or your mom wants to chat about a new recipe she loves, except you never cook b/c of JOB. Or they want to talk about a great movie they saw and you should see but you never see movie b/c of JOB.

          A demanding job is one that cant be ignored in favor of other stuff – it permeates your life. And ignoring your life in a conversation w/ your parents isn’t going to work either.

    • “I know you don’t get it, but I am happy in my craziness. So it’s OK to be happy for me even though I know it looks really weird.”

      I mean, if you were happy doing hair, would it still be like that? Or do they not get that your’re a bond trader / EMT / ordinance disposal person?

    • You might have to accept that they are not able or interested to engage in discussions re your job. Just talk to them about other stuff.

    • JuniorMinion :

      Commiseration – it stinks when our parents don’t really “get” who we are. My mother after being out of work for 25 years has sort of lost touch with the working / broader world. No I can’t just bounce from my office for 6 weeks of vacation and yes I am interested in things about work. She has always resented that my dad and I bond over our work lives.

      I would recommend trying to find another outlet (friends etc) where you can talk about the latest Fed rate rise / work / valuation theory / whatever it is that you enjoy and just go into interactions with your parents knowing it will be a 30 minute conversation on mindlessness. Every single conversation I have with my mother is about what she bought at target / the new pillows she’s decorating the living room with etc. It stinks that we can’t bond over the stuff that I really find interesting but you have to meet people at the level they are at.

      • First Year Anon :

        You sound like me!!

      • Anonymous :

        Please don’t assume that what you like is important and your mom’s interests are “mindless.” Be aware that your mom could write the same thing you did, from her perspective: “Every single conversation I have with my daughter is about her latest work project. It would be so nice to be able to bond over stuff that I find interesting, like decorating.”
        Relationships are give and take. Your mom may be enduring what she considers some dull conversations with you, because she loves you and cares about you. You could do the same for her.

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      I’m in the same boat with my mom, and honestly, the best approach for me was to adjust my expectations. I know my mom loves me and is proud of me. I also know she has zero context for understanding my job. I wish she were more curious about it, but that’s just not who she is or who she wants to be.
      Maybe that’s not a viable path for you, but consider trying to meet your parents where they are on it and not expect more than they’re in a position to offer you.

    • I’d be generous with them. Not everyone knows instinctively how to give us the kind of attention that would feel best to us, even if they’re parents. (And, to be honest, I was never all that interested in my parents’ jobs, either. Them, yes. Their jobs, no.)

    • My parents don’t know/understand enough about my job to be able to have appropriate reactions to most things I tell them without some hints, so I’ve found it helps to prime them for the reaction I want them to have; i.e. “I’ve got some really great news from work – it’s something I’ve been working on and I’m really happy and excited about!”

      I used to get really frustrated when I’d try to tell my mom something about work and she’d say, “…is that a good thing?” or “Is this related to that other thing you were telling me about, I forget what it was?”

  15. office comfort? :

    I tend to “run cold,” so I keep my office thermostat set at 76. I don’t take meetings here regularly, but people do come in briefly to speak to me about something, to deliver something, etc. No one stays longer than ten minutes and most fewer than five. But most everyone complains about how “hot” my office is. My desk is under the air vent, so it is warmer elsewhere in the office. Am I somehow being rude by air conditioning to my comfort rather than others’? I would normally think not. But so, so many people have complained.

    • 40+ ladies :

      I would love your office! My office is bitingly cold and no one ever sees that as a problem. I am about to get a snuggie.

    • 76 is well outside the range of normal room temperatures and is going to make most people sweat, which will then make them uncomfortable and smelly for the rest of the day. If people need to be in your office on a regular basis, keeping it that hot is inconsiderate. You’d think it rude if someone else kept her office at 64 degrees, right?

      • I dunno – I google “room temp range” and I get sources saying everything from 72.5 degrees for scientific work to, 68 to 77 degrees, and 64 to 75 degrees as being considered a normal range. So 76 isn’t wildly out of the norm.

      • office comfort? :

        I find it a little surprising that “most people” sweat to the point of being uncomfortable and smelly during five stationary minutes in temperatures in the mid-70s.

      • I don’t think most people sweat at 76 degrees while sitting in an office. On a treadmill, sure, but not sitting or standing still.

        Also even if you do sweat lightly for 5-10 minutes in someone’s office you aren’t going to start to smell. It takes more sweat than that for odor.

        OP the thermostat for my floor is in the kitchen, and it’s usually set to 72. 76 really isn’t that much warmer. I think you’re fine.

      • lol @ “well outside the range of normal room temperatures”

        Only if you live your entire life micromanaging your climate to always be withing a five-degree temperature range.

        Here’s an interesting article that will make you feel better – the world would likely be better off if everyone kept their offices at 76 degrees; what we think of as “normal” room temps were designed for men in business suits:

        “Buildings already consume 40 percent of the world’s energy, and half of that goes into keeping them warm or cool. And western countries eat up the vast majority of that. “If the developing world follows U.S. traditional practice, it’s going to be energy-intensive,” says Edward Arens, who studies thermal comfort at the University of California, Berkeley.”


        • I assume you mean 76 degrees *in the summer* for the AC setting, as opposed to year round (for those of us that get winter).

          • Yes, definitely.

            When you think about it, it’s super bizarre (and a very recent advent in human history) that we mostly keep our buildings the same temperatures year round. I keep my house heated to 66 degrees in the winter and cooled to 80 in the summer – I still feel quite comfortable most of the time and even those few degrees saves a lot on energy bills.

      • Mrs. Jones :

        What? My house AC is generally set at 76-78 all summer, and I’m not sweating.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          Yeah, what? 76 sounds normal for summer. In summer/hot weather, I keep my house and office at 78 during the day, 75 at night. I have never gotten any commentary.

          • Eh, everyone is different. We keep ours at 70 year round. It’s currently 85 degrees outside today (new england) and i am so thankful i insisted on a/c when we moved here (bc i work from home) bc i would be miserable otherwise….

        • Miz Swizz :

          Same here! I tend to run quite hot and find that to be a very comfortable temperature range.

    • No, you aren’t being rude. You’re the one who has to sit in the office, so you get to decide.

      Are they complaining, or just commenting, since it’s likely a noticeable change from the rest of the workplace? Unless they are specifically requesting you change the temp, I’d ignore the comments and just get address what ever they came into your office for. If they get stuck on the topic, you can tell them “It’s set so I’m comfortable in my office” and move on from there.

    • I don’t think you’re being rude. Are others being rude when their offices are freezing?

    • I’m guessing they’re noticing and commenting, not complaining. The office next to mine is oddly warm, because of the way our ducting works, and more than once I have gone in to talk with the woman there and remarked, “Wow …it’s really warm in here!” I’m not complaining. It’s just a really marked difference.

      I’m also concerned for her, because it would be killer for me to have to work in that kind of heat (and yes, to me, 76 degrees would be HEAT in an office). I couldn’t handle it.

    • Assuming your thermostat controls you own individual office space, keep it where you are comfortable. I keep my office even warmer than you do and also get lots of comments. My usual response is “I know, I’m always cold so I love it!” followed by an offer to move to a conference room if it is going to be a lengthy meeting.

    • The manageing partner likes to be comfortable, but Frank always turns the temperature down to 68 degrees, which is way to COLD, and he is such a lech b/c he likes to see me chilly. But I am smarter then he, so I have a sweater there all the time to put on over my shirt so that he can NOT see the results of his action. FOOEY on him. He get’s to see nothing! That is my mantra. Do NOT do anyting that will give him cause to be titillated. FOOEY on FRANK!

    • 76 isn’t warm esp. if you have an air vent right on you. That’s how my apartment is and I can’t keep the temp too much lower simply bc there’s a huge vent in a small family room so no matter where you’re sitting the air is blowing right on you.

    • 76 F is actually the default temperature set in most European offices (unless Google convert is fooling me) and it perfectly comfortable. FYI I love cold weather and 76F is fine for me.

  16. I’m considering getting one of those Longchamp nylon handbags for my commute to work. Seems like it may be good because it’s softer than my leather, stiff bag. But are they too outdated?

    • Cornellian :

      They look a bit dated to me. That hasn’t stopped me from considering one for schlepping books and daycare stuff on my walk/subway commute, though.

      There are a LOT of nylon/vegan leather options that are soft and much lighter than leather, though.

      • Do you have any suggestions for other bags that are good for a long commute? I’m looking for one that is light and not so stiff so it doesn’t jab people (or me) on the subway. My current one is leather, stiff, and very heavy.

      • Ugh. Posts like this always bum me out. I’ve been using my Longchamp for a couple of years and it never once occurred to me that it could be dated. I’m not going to stop or anything, but …. dang.

        • My roommate has been using her for years. Thats why I wanted to get one, but I’m just not very fashionable/trendy. Keep using yours! I may still get one.

        • I feel like women on this blog think things are dated much quicker than I observe them to be. Is something dated when a lot of people still use them? I don’t know if it is because they live in larger, trendier cities like New York or LA?

          There was a discussion on puffer vests this past winter. Many thought they were dated, but I still saw them everywhere!

          And what makes something dated vs. just being someone’s style?

          • I think some people think things are dated when everyone is using them. Where dated = not trendy. If you want to be super on-trend, then Longchamps are dated by that definition. But just things aren’t on-trend doesn’t mean they are awful or your stop using them. It sometimes means their just really ubiquitous. And that is not a crime. Not even a fashion crime.

          • Cornellian :

            I am not the most fashion-forward person. For me, dated means that people have stopped wearing/using them in Manhattan (i.e. they no longer are ubiquitous).

            I don’t think that means you have to stop using them, obviously.

          • I had to roll my eyes at the comments about puffer vests being out. In my mind, they are a basic, standard piece of outerwear that nearly everyone owns, including children. They serve a specific purpose in our temperamental, four-season climate.

        • I think Longchamps are a classic. They may not be the most on-trend bag option at the moment (my fashion students are all carrying giant unzipped rectangular totes), but Longchamps has been around forever and I don’t think they’re going anywhere anytime soon.

          • OP here. Yes, I tend to go classic. I actually avoid trendy items that everyone else is wearing. I just don’t want to be 3 years late to a trend.

          • I think some things become “dated” and other things fade into classics – Longchamp is definitely closer to a classic in my book. The larger ones do give off a bit of a college vibe though, in my opinion.

      • I have an expandable Longchamp bag and it’s perfect for when I have to schlep a lot of stuff.

    • I would never buy a Longchamp again, not because they’re dated but because the quality is terrible. I expect a commuter bag to hold up longer than 6 months. The corners of mine were completely ripped. I will never spend that much money on a crappy bag again!

      • +1 completely

        If you have a long commute and will be carrying a lot of stuff, potentially, I would avoid this bag. A bag with a little structure is better. Definitely go nylon for weight. I have found all of my vegan leather bags too heavy for a long commute.

        I would even consider getting a higher end backpack.

    • You asked if they were outdated, and I will tell you that I bought my first one in 2006. At that time, my mom already had several that she would use for travel or weekend purse and I wanted one to carry stuff around in college. All this is to say, they were everywhere from about 2007-2009. I think I still have one somewhere that I will use if I am packing the car for a road trip maybe, but have other bags I will go to first. Pros include that they are lightweight, are nylon, have a zipper, and come in many colors and sizes. Cons are that they don’t have *any* structure and the straps are painful when you fill it to capacity. The nylon peeled/bubbled for me after about 3 years of daily use. After about one year of daily use the zipper pull tab broke off (I guess I was bending it so much it broke off) but I continued to use it. I didn’t carry liquids in it but know people who have who stained theirs. This can be a pro or con for you but it is a recognizable look/brand, so if the ubiquitous-ness of it has already passed your area or is yet to come, it will be noticeable that you have one as the look is identifiable.

      • Thanks for all your responses! I really care about quality and lightness for my commute. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! I’d like to stay around $100-$150.

        • Anonymous :

          I still love mine. I got a new one in March (the all black, slight stiffer version). It’s more of a classic than a “trend” item IMHO. I was using MKors jet set laptop bag to schlep my laptop before but I like the zipper top of the Longchamp.

  17. 40+ ladies :

    I’m 40+ and just wondering if there are any more of us here. If so, where do you shop?

    I shop at the same stores as our 1L summer interns, as well as MMLaFleur and some Akris (ebay!) and DVF. My style is more business than casual, so I buy suiting at BR (yay Logan cut pants) and wear it with fun shirts or as separates. But maybe, just maybe, I ought not to be so thrifty with my basics?

    FWIW, BR fits me (5-4, petite jackets, regular bottoms, size 4/6) and things like Theory, Talbots, Brooks Brothers, and Lafayette have not. The only other “older / more upmarket” thing I can think of that I could easily get is St. John, which I think is too expensive (sunscreen smears from hugs from my summer camper kids would mean they are perpetually at the cleaners) and maybe out of place in my office (I am close to the seniormost woman and no one wears it to work that I’ve seen from people in my whole 20+ story building).

    • At 40, I have decided that I am done wearing suits unless absolutely required. I bought several sheath dresses from MM LaFleur and Goat and had them tailored to fit just right. To go with them I have a jardigan and am in the process of collecting a few blazers.

      I don’t feel that St. John is age-appropriate.

    • Boss
      Lafayette 148
      Max Mara
      BR pants
      Brooks brothers

      • 40+ ladies :

        How does Boss run? I need something pear-friendly.

        Also, where the h*ck am I supposed to look for any guidance? I look at female world and company leaders when I see them in the WSJ and the first thing I think of is wanting a photocredit for what she’s wearing. Where do Theresa May and Marissa Meyer shop? And Condi Rice (my realstic style crush, as opposed to Queen Rania, who probably has a budget that I don’t)? I get that Michelle Obama wore DVF wraps and JCrew, but I’m too short-waisted to pull off JCrew (or many other things) and can only wear DVF non-wrap dresses (but I do love their prints).

    • I love LK Bennett. I wait for the sales, and shop there. You could also try PoshMark or Tradesy. I’ve found some really great items (DVF, Rebecca Taylor, etc).

    • Have you tried elie tahari? Also, this English brand called the fold looks like everything I’d want in modern power dressing for women. I’ve also had luck with Rebecca Taylor.

    • At Biglaw and as a senior partner I avoid suits and can get away with more variety in color and style. It depends on what fits you well, your budget and tastes, as well as your practice area and need to dress for client meetings. Dresses with a jacket or cardigan, or unmatched separates, work for me. I like MM LaFleur for fit, also MaxMara, Theory and other lines at Nordstrom (however, Boss, Lafayette and LK Bennett don’t fit me well–YMMV). St. John is a mixed bag. I wouldn’t wear a head-to-toe look, but you can find pieces that are trendy and mix well with others. Personal shoppers or sales associates are my saving grace, as I am terrible at styling. The quality and packability of St. John can’t be beat for travel, and the clothes last forever. These are all expensive lines, granted, but most can be bought on sale if you watch the websites.

    • Classiques Entier at Nordstrom has a lot of nice (and pear-friendly) workwear options.

      • Old Lawyer :

        Pear, over your age limit. I like Basler, Elie Tahari, Classiques Entier, Lafayette 148, Jaeger, Hobbs, and St. John.

  18. Super basic question – where do you shop for summer maxis that are appropriate for casual-ish weddings? I’d love to buy one I can wear to a few outdoor events with sandals this summer. Thanks.

    • Nordstrom? I have a Karen Kane maxi from there that I *love* and have worn to a (pretty casual) wedding.

    • Soma has some fantastic options.
      I promise I’m not advocating for you to wear lingerie on the outside; they have real clothes!

    • Eliza J has some beautiful ones at Nordstrom.

    • Asos!

    • I love Christy Dawn dresses – independent online shop out of LA

    • ponte python's flying circus :

      I actually found one a few years ago at Modcloth! It’s a little bit of trial and error with fit and quality over there, because they source from so many different makers, but you might find something inexpensive you’d like.

  19. Jewelry for Memorial Services :

    I’m attending services later this week, and will have to wear what I have, absolutely no option to shop. I’m planning to wear a very dark blue and black jersey dress, and I’ll need earrings. Options are CZ studs, black CZ, metal balls, or metal hearts.
    Asking here because I want to look appropriate and respectful, but it’s not like a wedding where you can bother the people who are organizing. TIA.

    • I would wear either pair of the CZ studs, or just go without any earrings at all. Definitely not the hearts.

    • I really don’t think that jewelry is required for a memorial service. If the CZ studs are large (>1 carat), I’d leave them off. You don’t want to be notice for attire at a wedding or at a funeral. Metal balls or none.

    • Jewelry for Memorial Services :

      I was guessing that everyone else would wear the kind of thing they do for church, which would include plain jewelry. But since I don’t go to church, and I haven’t been to a memorial service since I was a child, I am pretty clueless.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I think that they all sound fine, apart from the hearts which seem a bit cutely for such an occasion. Don’t overthink it.

      • Anonymous :

        I saw a black dress with large white polka dots at a recent memorial service I was at. I was a little appalled.

    • Baconpancakes :

      If it’s a private service for a person you knew, I would go with the personality of the person you’re honoring. Just recently attended a memorial for a close family friend whose entire house was painted purple and orange. Not a single person showed up wearing formal, dark attire, because that’s just not what she would’ve wanted.

      If it’s for a public tragedy (I hate that this is a legitimate question because there are so many mass shootings and attacks these days) go with the metal balls (assuming they’re small).

      • I would say for public tragedy, maybe not the metal balls?

        • Baconpancakes :

          The words “metal balls” might imply a connotation that doesn’t come across in reality.


  20. Did you find you had s*xual (does this need an asterisk?) chemistry with your partner right away or it took some time? I saw a few posts on here lately about really bad or boring LGP with their person at first, then it got better, or it just ended up being a dealbreaker. Curious to hear your thoughts/stories?

    • I’ve had both experiences. Gardening with Guy A was really bad and never got better. Gardening with Guy B started bad but got much better. The main difference between the two was the guy’s willingness to work on it. Guy A insisted everything was great even though I told him it wasn’t. I suggested changes, he refused to try them. I refused to garden otherwise, he said I was selfish. Guy A got the boot. Guy B got the picture when I said it wasn’t great and asked how it could be better. We experimented, figured out what worked for both of us, and had fun in the process. Guy B is still in the picture, we still experiment, and the gardening is generally pretty awesome.

    • Baconpancakes :

      It took four years of being friends with my SO to even consider him a potential partner, a few exciting but unsatisfying interactions as FWB, and then four more years of being close friends before I was really attracted to my SO. Once we started dating with all the associated feelings though, the LGPs were immediately good. They’ve become less everything-is-new-exciting but are still great.

      Chemistry is different from the actual LGP – the first is near impossible to create, the second can be vastly improved upon with practice and enthusiasm. My ex didn’t have much of a drive, and that was a definite factor in me falling out of love with him.

    • I would distinguish between the chemistry part and the “being good” part. For me, if I’m not attracted, nothing will ever change that. But a less than stellar first experience is pretty common for me – you are both nervous, and you don’t know the specifics of what the other person likes. That part can definitely change, as long at you and your partner are willing to work on it.

    • Ok, I’ll share my own anecdote just because it’s the opposite end of some others and a little silly/pretty gross. About 90 minutes into our first date, my now husband and I were having s*x on the floor of his basement. And then about 20 minutes later, still in the basement, we did it in the “backdoor” (gross), which was the first time doing that for me. I was 22. Suffice it to say, crazy chemistry then and now. But something important to add is that we were really just hook-up buddies for a year, then out of touch for three years. When we met again, the chemistry was still there but we were both ready for something serious. Adjusting to the long-term has been a little difficult for me, but we still “garden” what I realize is an above average amount (4-5 times/week). Finally in case this is relevant, I don’t really find my husband objectively attractive. He messaged me maybe four times online before I agreed to meet – because his pictures just didn’t appeal. He’s not my “type,” is quite a bit older and very bald. But clearly we have some deep pheromone connection or something, because I’ve truly never been attracted to someone as much as him. And I felt that immediately, and it shocked me.

      For me, it’s a deal breaker. I had a very serious relationship with a wonderful man, but the intimacy was off from the very first time. We dated for years, I was never satisfied, and even though he was a great love of my life, this was ultimately the reason I ended things.

      P.s. Don’t be as reckless as 22-year-old me, even if he’s the one!

  21. Two random queries:

    1. My grandma is really into cat things. Anyone stumble on any cute cat figurines or other items in the $40 and under range? I’ve gotten her a bunch of Lenox stuff in the past like their cat salt and pepper shakers, etc., but would like to branch out.

    2. Anyone have experience with Mark & Graham bags/wallets? I’m tempted but not sure how the quality is relative to price. Thanks!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Would art re: cats be appreciated? You can probably find cute stuff on Etsy — support an artist!

    • Re: 1) I was just on 1800 flowers dot com looking at arrangements for a friend and they have a cat shaped flower arrangement. If you consider getting grandma something that will not take up space and need to be dusted (a concern at my grandma’s apartment! so. much. knicknacky. stuff.), this could be a fun “consumable” cat themed gift!

    • Consider getting her a month of the Cat Lady Box – its a really cute subscription box with cat things that I’ve gifted in the past.

      • I just googled it and that is adorable. It’s going on my pinterest secret gift board for my bestie.

    • You don’t happen to live in the Bay Area/other large city on the west coast do you? Because I just bought a car window shade at Daiso that’s a giant cute cat face. (For those of you not from this area, Daiso is a Japanese dollar store). Best $2.50 I’ve spent in a long time.

    • Cornellian :

      on 1. how about a donation to a rescue organization in her name?

    • PatsyStone :

      Search cat on shoptiques. That’s my go-to for specific/original gifts. Cat ring holders may fit the bill.

    • I got a friend a cat shaped soap/lotion dispenser for her bathroom from an etsy shop called TexasCeramics. It’s nice because it’s a useful item, not just decorative.

  22. I wandered through Old Navy hoping to find some simple, inexpensive summer dresses (that maybe might be work appropriate on Fridays–it’s a relatively casual office, anyway). But so many of them seem to have rather large armholes…why is this a thing? I don’t wear cute braletts or whatever. I’m firmly in the bras are not meant to be shown category (sports bras while exercising excluded).

    • Ugh, apparently? I like the jersey swing dress with the higher neckline– it’s very similar to a Lord and Taylor one that I have and love, but I find Old Navy more miss than hit for dresses.

    • Do you maybe have really small shoulders or are you petite? I feel like the armholes of things I try on there are all normal sizes.

      • I am petite. This probably is the problem, since I think Old Navy’s petite sizes are only online.

    • No idea, but bane of my existence. I always assumed it was just me b/c I am right on the cusp of petite and generally have a narrow frame on top but it could also be sloppy construction.

      • I think you and the anon above are correct. I am petite. Old Navy has petite sizes online, they probably are not in the stores.

    • I feel like this is an Old Navy problem. I know tons of people who get cute, casual stuff there but it just doesn’t work for me. Giant armholes and weird proportions abound!

    • Mrs. Jones :

      This is a years-long problem for me. I’m tall and average-sized, and armholes often gape a ridiculous amount.

  23. Let's go to Norway :

    Any recommendations for Bergen, Norway in July? Places to stay, things to do, delicious things to eat? In particular, any recommendations for moderately active tours — my travel companion has some mobility issues, so we’re looking for bus or boat tours or short hikes, rather than cycling the fjords.

    • Cornellian :

      Check out the Bergen Railway! A website called fjordtours period com runs tours, but you can also buy directly I believe.

    • Anonshmanon :

      I’ve been there for business trips a few times, and Hotel Park is just the cutest B&B I can imagine. Some rooms have wonderful views over the fjord, but there is no elevator. The staff is very attentive and the everything is just the definition of cozy.
      Be prepared that the city has steep hills. So, a stroll through the city can count as a small hike, depending on your comfort level. The town is very pretty, and has lots of small boutiqes and stores with scandinavian design items.

      If you catch a clear day, take the cog railway up Mount Floyen for a very nice view (there might be some short hikes up there too).

      Bryggeloftet & Stuene is a restaurant right by the harbor, with traditional norwegian food, although a bit pricey (everything is pricey there!).
      The Inside Live Rock Cafe has great burgers. The Apollon is a combined record store/pub and has great craft beer (also expensive).

    • Anonshmanon :

      I love Bergen, but my longer post is in mod. Be sure to check back later!

  24. My office has been bizarrely humid since we hit 90+ degrees outside. It’s not really too cold or too hot, just… uncomfortably damp. I should be happy it’s not freezing and dry like it was all winter, but I hate being able to “feel” the air. Yuck.

  25. I may be in a position soon to negotiate for some flexibility in my job. The most common setup is for people to a) either work one day from home; or b) to leave early but check email later in the evening. I think option B would shift the burden to another part of the day and combining work/family time would stress me out even more. Option A would be okay, but on the few occasions I’ve worked from home, I found it to be logistically a pain in the neck. If I did it regularly, I’d want to upgrade all sorts of things in my home office to make it more comfortable.

    I’m curious — what kind of flexibility works best for you, or what would you appreciate? I know that I need far more flexibility in the late afternoon hours, but I don’t even know what to ask for. I’m also way too oversensitive to being seen as the slacker working mom who cuts out early for kid stuff.

    • DH works from home on Mondays and Fridays. It’s key to the functionality of our life. He upgraded the set up in the home office to be able to be fully ‘present’ when working – video conference etc on occasion. It’s a huge help because he’s able to be home for deliveries, throw in a load of laundry at lunchtime, and pick kids up from daycare on those days. Daycare is at my work which is close to our house but it’s hard to me to leave in time for pick up everyday so I pick up TWTH and he picks up MF.

      Keys to making it work are proper set up and treating in like a regular work day except benefit of taking lunch hour at home and saving the commute time. (45 mins each way).

    • I used to work from home one day a week. I treated it like a regular work day. The difference was instead of a 5 min chat with colleagues, I was putting the laundry in the dryer. And instead of going out to grab lunch, I was running errands. I was more productive from a work perspective, and I also could usually get a few things crossed off my home list. I loved it.

      Then I switched jobs, and now I leave “early” aka after 9 hours of work, and then check emails after kids go to bed, which usually entails about 30-45 min of work. Again, because I’m more productive and because I’ve used my commute home to think about the work or to compose a response in my head or whatever.

      With babies, I enjoyed the first approach. It was such a treat to get groceries on a Friday noon alone, rather than at Saturday 8am with a baby. Now my kids are preschool age and the second schedule allows me to pick up from afterschool on time and have some quality time with them every night. I’m not sure what will have to change as they get into “real” school and have activities, maybe I’ll have to come up with a new approach then.

      I’d say think hard about what will work for you, but also what you think your office can stick to. My previous boss would never have been able to stick to a leaving-early schedule, there was always an emergency at 5pm. My current office is more face-time important, so an entire day of not being in the office would not go over well.

    • I have a flex schedule and get a day off during the week every other week.

      • My dream would be 4 10 hour days. or even what you have, where you work 9 hours each day and get every second Friday off. But none of the offices I’ve ever worked for would respect that day off. I would ALWAYS have some random meeting scheduled, or get an urgent text, or whatever that would require “just signing in real quick”. Doesn’t stop me from dreaming though…

  26. Desperately Searching Susan :

    I need some quick advice. I was let go from my job in mid-April – partner in local office of niche practice firm. I’m in the last few weeks of time left to find a new position before I have to leave. After a couple of conversations with a client that I initiated by proposing I could use my years of representing the client for their benefit, there is some interest in me going in-house. But, it’s not in an “in-house law department” – it would be me putting out fires and handling training, claims, contract review, etc. for company work in my state. There is a big meeting tomorrow and this proposal of mine is on the agenda. The plan is to decide if they want to move forward or not. My contact left me a message asking what salary I want to see if this might be viable or not.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose this opportunity (my first realistic shot at a job since mid-April) by over-bidding, but the client is notoriously cheap, and I’m the one trying to convince them that they need me. My initial reaction was to say that my current package is in this range, with these components. But is that a fair comparison? There’s a number I need to stay afloat, and there are some expenses I’d like to have covered, plus decent vacation. I’ve got 20+ years of experience in this area. Any advice at all would be welcome.

    • Do you have to name the first number? I understand if you do in this circumstance. Otherwise, I’m betting law firm partner salary is more than they were imagining paying, so I’d go closer to the stay afloat + healthy cushion number than whatever you make now.

      • +1. If you worry that law firm partner salary will scare them away, try a “what can I live on and be happy with” salary, even if it means you are making less. Unfortunately current salary is not really applicable because it’s not that they’re enticing you away from that job.

  27. Anxious anon :

    I’ve had issues with anxiety for a few years now and it’s been totally under control with medication and lifestyle changes for most of that time but argh lately I’ve felt it creeping back. This is mostly a rant – I’ve beat it before, I can beat it again – but I can’t help feeling frustrated. Someone send me all the chocolate please!

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I can commiserate. I have taken an SSRI for more than a decade and have found that I sometimes benefit from a “refresher” in CBT. Might only be a few months of weekly or biweekly sessions, but it helps remind me of my coping/reframing strategies.

    • New Tampanian :

      +1 to everything pugsnbourbon said.

      Firstly, good job being aware enough to catch it before you get “flooded” by it.

      I only go to my therapist on and off now when I need a “tune up”. Usually it’s when I feel the anxiety creeping up.

      That said, try to focus on self-care for now. Gratitude ABCs always help me in a pinch. Just grounds me.

  28. Dishsoapy :

    Will try to remember to post again whenever the afternoon thread comes out but does anyone have this problem – I just moved to a new apartment and the dishwasher is admittedly older than my dishwasher in my last place. I’ve been noticing that my glasses and especially my water bottles are coming out with a “dish soap taste.” It’s so bad I can’t even drink from my water bottle today. Anything I can do? Run the dishwasher again with no dishwashing detergent? Unfortunately, I’m a renter so I don’t think replacing the dishwasher is an option.

    Plus, I’m bummed because one of the reasons I picked this studio was because it had a dishwasher! Some of the other ones in my city in my budget unfortunately didn’t…

    • Cornellian :

      See if you can turn the hot water temp up/ask your landlord to.

      I have heard that vinegar can help, as well, but I have also heard that it can help dissolve tubing in the dishwasher, so YMMV…

      I’d also try a natural/free and clear soap.

    • Anonymous :

      Are you using rinse agent?

    • I have had this happen, and I think I ended up changing detergents. I had been a devotee of a specific brand and then just went a totally different direction. I ended up using the pods–but don’t put them in the soap trap door thing! just throw it in the bottom of the machine!–and a rinse aid. Might also have to do with the wash setting you use. If things aren’t getting as rinsed, maybe due to a more eco-friendly water saving mode, that could be the issue. I just do everything on pots and pans with a longer rinse.

      • Dishsoapy :

        Wait a minute – I’m not supposed to put the pods in the soap trap door ? Mind blown!

        • I think some people do and they work, but mine were always getting stuck and half dissolving–so, dirty dishes–or the door wouldn’t open at all because the pod would congeal inside the hatch and seal the door….so after some googling, I came across that tip. I was skeptical, but it totally works! Just make sure it’s not sitting next to the heating element (if yours is exposed), and you’re good!

          They must be engineered to dissolve at a specific rate, so I haven’t seen any bad effects of relying on the door to do the timing.

          • of *not* relying on the door to do the timing (which, if you think about it, is all the door does: tells the soap when to make an appearance).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      There’s a thing you can use that’s to clean the inside of the dishwasher! You put it in like soap and run the dishwasher empty and it maybe makes all the residue go away? Something like that? We used the same kind of thing on our washing machine and it’s kind of amazing.

    • Anonymous :

      Clean the dishwasher and clean the drain – sometimes they get clogged. You can find instructions on how to do thisonline.

      • Also check that the spray arms aren’t clogged. Remove them and run some water through them to make sure none of the little holes are blocked. I have a high efficiency Bosch, and anytime the glassware seems a little greasy with soap residue, I find one or more of the little holes blocked.

    • Get Lemishine dishwasher cleaner. We have really hard water and have to wash our dishwasher about once a month. Running a cycle with nothing but a cup of white vinegar on the top rack also works in a pinch.

  29. Yes or I think you can actually just pour a cup of vinegar in and run it with that. Should get rid of residue. If the machine is old it’s probably got a soap buildup on it just like you get in your shower.

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