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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Venice Sleeveless Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This delightful dress from Elie Tahari mostly looks like your basic stretch-knit dress, but I love the little cutouts and details at the neckline and shoulders — they add a lot of interest without making the neckline too low or anything like that. It just looks like a great dress for work, and it's on sale! The dress was $298 but is now $223, and when you add it to your cart it takes another 25% off for a final price of $167.25. (Neiman Marcus has a lot of cute things on sale right now, so take a look.) Venice Sleeveless Sheath Dress Here's a lower-priced option and a plus-size option. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

318 Comments

  1. I just found out I’m pregnant after years of trying! It’s too soon to tell anyone in real life of course but I’m so excited!

    2. That is what anonymous internet friends are for! As someone who struggled for years before having a baby, I am *so* excited for you and wish you a completely uneventful and dull pregnancy.

      1. Thank you! Congratulations to you! 5 weeks also. If you want to be pregnancy buddies, I am at pinkpaperclip e t t e at the mail of G.

        1. 4-5 weeks with my first. It is quite exciting knowing that at this stage, only my husband and I know. Congratulations!

  2. Paging the poster who asked for advice about her husband and his recent violent outburst yesterday.

    Are you OK?

    I hope you’ve been able to make arrangements to get yourself and your kids to a safe place. If you’re in the DC area, my email is anon r e t t e prosecutor @ google’s email (no spaces). I prosecuted DV for several years before leaving for my non-prosecution job, and would be glad to help you with resources/be a person to talk to.

    1. +1 million. I hope she was able to get away. I know she’ll have a lot of things going on regardless but honestly, if we don’t hear from her in a few days I’ll be a little worried.

    2. Yes, I hope she checks in.

      If in Seattle or even just need help finding resources elsewhere: my username with e t t e at the end, no spaces. ❤️

    3. I was thinking about you last night, OP. And one thing I wanted to say – I know it can be hard to take internet strangers up on their offers of support. You might think, “yes, they offered, but they don’t REALLY expect me to email them asking for help.” I wanted you to know that I’ve posted my email here multiple times, and lots of people have reached out, on things from the easy (travel advice) to the really, really hard (serious personal issues). And I know I’m not alone. So you wouldn’t be the first, and I want you to believe that we want you to take us up on it. The only reason we’re not affirmatively contacting you is that we don’t have your information, but we want you to contact us.

      1. +1.

        (I am the one who posted initially, OP. If you’re in the four state metro area, reach out. I will do anything I can to help.)

      2. +1 I’m still grateful to you cbackson for offering to take me in for a Thanksgiving meal years ago (I was extremely depressed and lonely with family across the world). I was on the opposite coast from you so I couldn’t take you up on the offer, but it still helped a lot.

        OP, hope you are OK, and please do reach out for help. My location is a bit more remote but on the off chance that you are in or near the northern Rockies let me know and I’ll post contact info.

    5. I hope you and your kids are safe, OP! And please do reach out if there is anything we can do to help.

    6. I don’t know as much about DV resources as the other posters here, but just chiming in to be another voice of support. You and your children deserve safety and stability and I hope you are able to get away from the current situation. <3

    7. I also hope you and your children are safe and you have been able to get away from your husband. I am so sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault, not one bit.

    8. One of my close friends is someone I casually knew on a fashion-y message board. She got into a bad/dangerous situation with a partner, and I offered that she could come stay at my place. She ended up getting a hotel room but meeting me up for drinks, and now we’re IRL friends (and she’s in a much better situation)! So my offer to talk via email is very real (username e t t e at the google) and if you’re in So Cal, maybe I can help out more practically.

      Been thinking about you too.

  3. Good morning!

    How are you doing with the wear Everything Challenge (find a way to wear every item in your closet this summer or get rid of it)?

    I am traveling this week so I’m back to my usual easy neutrals, so I can’t say I have made a dent, but I did wear a top I haven’t worn in a while and decided to get rid of it. It was a bit pilly and the neckline was a little too low. Onward!

    Have you gotten rid of anything?

    1. Today’s outfit: blue patterned Karen Kane wrap dress, black blazer, challenge item dark emerald green pointy heels.

      Verdict: how did my feet get bigger without getting pregnant??? Hard donate. I love these shoes but my feet were already hurting by the time I had walked from my car to the office.

      If anyone has suggestions for replacement heels in size 10.5 or 11 I’d love to replace these!

      Other things I’ve gotten rid of: bright patchwork ruffle tank top, olive shorts with a bleach stain, tennis shoes that look fine from the top but are not supportive anymore, purple studded crossbody purse, stone capri pants that cut me off at the worst place, yoga pants with holes in them, a flowy purple grey top that made me feel like a romantic heroine but made me look schlubby and pregnant (which I am not), and a beloved tissue weight teal button-down that doesn’t say closed over my chest.

    2. Today’s outfit: white blouse, black dress pants, nude heels, big curly hair. I sat in bed staring into space contemplating my simultaneous “MY LIFE IS FLYING BY TOO FAST!” and “MY LIFE IS THE SAME GROUNDHOG DAY OVER AND OVER!” feelings too long so this is all I had time to pull off.

      I want Backonpancakes emerald green pointy heels instead of my nude round toe heels. They sound gorgeous.

      2. There must have been something in the air this morning. I did the same thing (sitting in bed contemplating the futility of life) for way too long today.

    3. I was running super late today so I’m wearing a purple crew neck t, black skirt (“The Skirt – the original), blue flats. I do not even remotely match but nobody’s looking today anyway.

    4. Today I tried to liven up a workhorse dark green and black shell by pairing it with a light blue cardigan. It’s not working for me, especially as I’m wearing the ensemble with black pants and shoes. On that note, does anyone know easy ways to brighten/lighten up a wardrobe? It seems like everything I own is black, grey, or a dark color (maroon, dark green, dark purple, navy blue). I have a few white tops but I rarely reach for them because pairing black and white just seems boring to me.

      1. C, I don’t know if this really counts, but I had my first office job in NY, and now I live in So Cal, so I’m trying to wrench myself into color. A lot of the time I fall back on one of three *bright* and *colorful* scarves. Like one is literally rainbow colors, but kinda splashed on a white background in an artistic way. Others have more like, tropical or ocean-y color schemes. I figure if one color in my outfit matches one color in the scarf, by the power of transference everything must match.

      2. I second the colorful scarfs. Also, try some statement jewelry and some metallic shoes. I bought some silver metallic pointed toe flats when I needed something bright and shiny during the dark drab winter. They are a great neutral and get your away from the usual black and beige shoe.

        White earrings, like pearl earrings (or even a necklace), can brighten your face and wardrobe.

        You also may want to start buying some light colored shirts or shells to wear under your dark colored blazers/suits/cardigans. I recently bought a pale lavender shirt to wear underneath blazers and it also looks good on its own.

    5. I pulled out a shirt that I love but haven’t put in rotation frequently because it is a noticeable pattern.

      Top: Pleione split neck mini cap sleeve (?) blousy top, cream base with a taupe, brick red, and navy pattern
      Bottom: Navy high-waist pencil skirt
      Shoes: Taupe block heel suede strappy sandals from Payless
      Cold Protection: Bobeau cotton drapey sweatshirty cardigan thing in a taupey blush
      Jewelry: usual mismash of things, including new one of a kind stack rings which have become a favorite after I splurged the other week on them!

    6. Wearing a Land’s End ponte sheath dress (navy background with purple/teal/ivory flowers) and some nude sandals. I’ve got to find some replacement sandals for these because they’re a little tatty but it’s hard to find comfortable work shoes in an 11!

      As for getting rid of things, I’ve started a Goodwill box of mostly t-shirts that I no longer wear. I have a couple of twinsets that I’m undecided on because they’re such workhorses during the cooler months but I have ZERO desire to wear them now. On that note, how do people store off-season clothes?

      1. I have plastic underbed storage totes that the off-season clothes go into, though I always keep a few off-season clothes out in case the weather decides to be particularly strange.

      2. For large size comfortable nude sandals, for my west coast business casual office, I am loving the Naturalizer Neina sandals! I have then in two colors, and they make 10.5 which is unusual and awesome. I have problem feet but can walk distances in them!

        1. And they have tan and two different browns, allowing them to be nude for various people!

    7. Today I’m wearing a black ponte knit dress from Ann Taylor Loft. It’s a fit & flare style and has pockets. Topped with a white and black leopard print cardigan. Black almond toe flats.

      I got rid of a few casual dresses from my wardrobe this weekend that no longer fit. I also had stuff sitting in the closet that needed to be returned to Nordstrom and Old Navy. I printed out return labels and sent them off this morning! Yay for free returns.

      1. Good on ya for returning stuff!

        I returned a recent Macy’s purchase, and while I was doing it I grabbed two things (a pair of too-tight-for-work-too-boring-for-life pants and a shirt that is way too far outside my comfort zone) that I had been trying to convince myself to wear for months – tags still on. I figured it was worth a try to return them, and Macy’s said yes! It’s like free money!

        1. I used to not be good about returning clothes, but Nordstrom has changed that for me. So easy. That said, I sent off the never-worn, tags-still-on, Halogen pencil skirt to the person from here who asked for it last week. That’s another way to get rid of the stuff I forgot to return!

    8. Today is natural-colored linen pants and a light green mixed-texture (silky on the front, knit on the back and sleeves) top with medium brown flat sandals.

      I’ve gotten rid of three items after realizing that two are stained and one makes me look like I’m trying to conceal a pregnancy.

    9. Clothes: black pants, dusty purple lace pattern top, black cardigan
      Shoes: nude pointy toe flats
      Accessories: same 2-tone watch and 2 rings as every other day and silver stud earrings
      Hair is in a braided bun type thing that took 5 min but looks professional

      The change from normal for me are the nude flats and hairstyle.

    10. I got rid of (well, put in the giveaway box – gotta drive my butt to goodwill sometime soon):

      Teal cardigan that I was pretending I would wear with a summery dress, but actually the cardigan looks stupid on me.
      Maxi dress that is waaay too low cut on me.
      This flippy summer dress that I’ve had for ages, but my post pregnancy b**bs just look ridiculous in it, so let’s let it go to someone else.

      And today I’m wearing an easy, favorite dress, but yesterday I wore an emerald green dress that makes me feel like a lawyer on TV, but that for some reason I never wear? Anyway, it was great.

    11. I donated 3 trash bags of clothes over the weekend. How can I get rid of so many clothes and still have more than enough? Where does all this stuff come from? Where does it hide??? Truly astounding.

    12. Uniqlo black and white bra dress- a bit longer than I like but it’s fine. Might have it hemmed a few inches, but probably won’t. Black BR cardigan I’ve had forever and kind of hate but I couldn’t find any other cardigan this morning and it’s cold. Plum-colored tiny wedges from Target I’ve worn to death since I bought them this fall.

      Going to do another clean of my closet this weekend- did a huge one recently and took a gigantic box to Goodwill. But I need to attack my drawers and figure out if everything still fits.

    13. I have so much to donate to Dress for Success. I don’t remember the last time I wore a suit – why am I keeping all these clothes (most of which are too big) for an office dress code I no longer have to follow? And, why do I cling to old t-shirts? I will never wear them and never in my life am I going to make and/or use a t-shirt blanket.

      Is there a way to re-purpose logo apparel? Has anyone ever had it re-embroidered/rebranded? Does it look terrible? I have some polos and button downs that are in great condition and fit well from my last company that would serve me well in my current profession, but if it won’t look good I need to let go of them.

      1. I sewed embroidered patches over a couple of old- company logos for my husband. Both were on otherwise usable button down shirts. He picked frogs.

    14. Black ponte pants, white cami, turquoise cotton pleated blouse. Ancient Yurman turquoise earrings. Pewter pumps. Grey brocade purse. Purse is on heavy rotation because it likely won’t survive the season.

      Just packed for a trip and did what I always do, which is toss in a lot of old stuff and see what survives. Call it Travel Natural Selection?

  4. For breakfast, I had a soft-boiled egg, a thin slice of bread with a thinner slice of butter, a little cup of yoghurt, and 2 cups of coffee.

    I’m starving.

    What else can I add or change to fill me up, in a healthy way?

    1. A bunch of vegetables (or fruit, but you seem to lean towards the savory side), since your breakfast lacks fiber. I’d replace the egg with scrambled eggs + veggies (pre-cook a batch of broccoli, onions, mushrooms, asparagus, whatever at the beginning of the week and add a little each morning). Top with hot sauce and a tablespoon or so of grated cheese Having a high-protein yogurt will help too, if you’re not already doing that (like Siggis).

    2. Veggies. If you’re worried about the calorie count, things like celery sticks or carrot sticks are great options. Even with a little hummus (better for you than ranch). Otherwise, an avocado or another healthy fat.

    3. My usual breakfast formula is protein + fat + veggies/fruit. I find that bread and dairy just don’t do it for me in the morning.

      This morning I had: two eggs scrambled and roasted veggies (roasted with olive oil). Sometimes I add part of an avocado (usually my husband and I split one for breakfast). I have cut melon for if I get hungry later (though it will probably become part of my lunch, which is a grilled chicken thigh with roasted vegetables).

    4. I might swap your slice of bread for standard (not instant) oatmeal. Even a small portion of that tends to keep me full – especially if I had a teaspoon of flax seed.

      1. +1

        After hearing other people rave about “overnight oats”, I eventually decided to give them a try and now it’s my go-to breakfast. Non-instant oatmeal + yogurt + a splash of milk + a dollop of peanut butter + some berries… keeps me going until lunchtime or past.

    5. Slather the toast in peanut butter. Add another egg. And a smoothie with fruit and yogurt. I love breakfast.

    6. Apple or banana with PB, nuts, or avocado. Maybe make your toast with PB + banana slices.

    8. Echoing the above — add veggies + one more egg and you’ll be in great shape. That’s actually what I had for breakfast today! The veggies were leftover grilled veggies that I just ate cold, so no real extra work. Umm and then I also had a green smoothie on the drive in and a seeded cracker with peanut butter when I got into the office. This seems excessive, but I’m pregnant, what can I say?

    9. Oatmeal with cinnamon and vanilla extract mixed in, with raspberries and toasted slivered almonds on top. Oatmeal is so filling and healthy.

    10. Don’t be afraid of calories and fat in the morning. If you track your food, it can be terrifying to see that you’ve eaten a big chunk of calories and fat first thing, but eating a 400-500 calorie breakfast with fat in it makes me eat less the entire rest of the day. Eg: two flour tortillas (normally corn but flour was what was on hand) wrapped around 2 scrambled eggs, spicy salsa, 1/3 avocado, and two pickled okra kept me full from 8:30 am until 2 pm.

      1. Pickled okra is, I’m convinced, a perfect food. I’ve stopped serving sandwiches and cheeseburgers with traditional pickles and replaced everything with pickled okra.

        1. I did not know this was a thing! But I love okra and love pickles…any particular brand that is good? (or do you make them yourself?)

          1. I buy Talk O’ Texas at the supermarket (but I am in the south where okra of all kinds is plentiful).

          2. Talk O’ Texas is the only brand I’ve ever seen. I like it a lot. Now that I’m out of grad school I might try pickling it myself this year.

      2. +1 on the calories. I realized I really do end up happier if I eat a larger, carb-full breakfast than a smaller, protein/fat-filled breakfast. Obviously the best of both worlds is somewhere in between, but it’s good to realize that the blogger “slice of toast with peanut butter and bananas keeps me full until lunch!” doesn’t work for everyone.

        1. That particular meal combo (carb/PB/fruit) is a great first breakfast before working out. But for my real breakfast I need something much more substantial. I can get by with two waffle/apple/PB sandwiches for most of the morning but I’m hangry early.

        2. I try to hit heavy on the protein and fat but have to actually have enough food to keep me going, which ends up adding carbs. Eg. almond butter on toast but with an entire apple and cappuccino as well.

    11. I’d skip the yogurt, add another egg, and put more butter on the toast, maybe 2 pieces. My breakfast was 2 hardboiled eggs, a pear, and a Lara Bar – about 375 calories. I should be OK til lunch in 4 hours but I’ll be hungry then.

    12. Suggestions:
      1) Eat whole milk yogurt
      2) swap the butter on your toast for almond / cashew / peanut butter
      3) In lieu of regular bread – use sprouted grain / ezekiel bread

      These helped me – I’ve been doing well with 2 eggs scrambled with a little cheese and some spinach + 1 slice of ezekiel toast with no sugar added almond butter. I used to be a major midmorning snacker and the combination of protein + fat + complex carbs seems to be working for me.

      1. +1 to whole milk yogurt — was going to suggest this. Fat free yogurt is just not worth eating.

        I had 1/4 cup of granola (homemade combo of equal parts oats, almonds, and coconut, with a little avocado oil, maple syrup, cocoa powder, vanilla, cinnamon, and cardamom), and 3/4 cup of whole milk yogurt with a little bit of honey. Total calorie count is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 but it’s really filling cause of all the fat and I’m usually good til lunch with that breakfast.

      2. Even 2% for yogurt goes along way in keeping me full. The plain 2% fage has enough fat that it’s very creamy and not sour and because there’s no sugary fruit based flavoring, the whole 7 oz portion is 150 calories.

    13. What kind of yogurt did you eat? I highly recommend Icelandic, like Icelandic Provisions or Smari. (Siggi’s tastes off to me for some reason.) The non-plain varieties are high in protein (13-17 grams) and without a ton of sugar (11-13 grams). I mix a 1/4 cup of muesli into mine.

    15. I like cottage cheese with blueberries and granola. I keep all three in my office for an easy desk breakfast, and it’s pretty filling.

    17. I eat a breakfast salad nearly daily. I get big tub of the spring mix/kale/spinach mix at the grocery store, fill a bowl with the greens. Dress with one serving of whatever reasonably healthy salad dressing makes you happy. If I have a big batch of pre-made quinoa in the fridge, a scoop of that goes in, same with an extra veggies I have around. Cook two eggs, throw them on top. Then I’ll sprinkle on whatever nuts or seeds I have on hand, and after I make the eggs, I’ll toast about a tablespoon of bread crumbs in the pan, to add a little crunch and flavor – it keeps me from missing toast/croutons. Sounds complicated but really takes about 5 minutes, I make and dress the salad while the eggs are cooking.

      For days that I am in a rush, I keep a stash of pre-made breakfast burritos in my freezer. Each is basically a 130-calorie 8″ ancient grain tortilla, two eggs scrambled, a little breakfast sausage for flavor, quinoa, a ton of veggies (I like eggplant, sweet potato, zucchini, broccoli, kale, etc), and a dash of salsa. They barely close but once they’re frozen they basically stay together. Microwave for 3-4 minutes while you get ready, wrap back up in the foil you froze them in, and out the door you go.

      If I do a 6am spin class, I eat a serving of Trader Joe’s Ancient Grain and Superseed oatmeal beforehand with honey or maple syrup. Then I eat a real breakfast after class, and usually a very light lunch.

      Eat big in the morning, and cut down lunch. Remember that even if your last meal was late the night before – say, 7:30/8pm – and you’re eating at 7:30am, you’ve now gone 12 hours without eating. If you eat like a bird in the morning and wait until noon, you’re subjecting your body to 16 hours without much to go on. I’m not a dietician, but that can’t be good for your metabolism.

  5. I’m not a nutritionist but I’ve found adding more fat (full fat yogurt?) and/or more fiber does the trick. Maybe swap the bread for oatmeal? I make steel cut oats in my crockpot on Sunday, portion them out, and freeze. Makes it easy to get very filling whole grain oatmeal with very little effort.

    2. I hadn’t even thought about freezing cooked steel cut oats. They don’t taste stale after thawing?

      1. I haven’t noticed that, no. I usually leave a bit of spce in the container so when they’re thawed and reheated, I can add flavors. I usually kee nuts/seeds, currants, maple syrup, fruit or berries, and occasionally savory things like bacon crumbles and shredded cheese on hand so that they taste like something.

        1. Lovely! I’ll try this over the weekend. Thanks!

          And I doctor my steel cut oats the same way. Too bland otherwise!

          1. Pro tip: make sure you use one of those crockpot liner bags if you’re going that route. Oatmeal is the devil to get out of your crockpot! Having the bag makes clean up so much easier. Happy oatmeal lin Pro tip: make sure you use one of those crockpot liner bags if you’re going that route. Oatmeal is the devil to get out of your crockpot! Having the bag makes clean up so much easier. Happy oatmealing!

          3. i don’t use the liner bag but I spray the inside of the crockpot with olive oil or coconut oil before putting the oats and stuff in. Clean-up is pretty easy that way. But when I forget that step I have a tough time getting the crockpot clean.

      2. Trader Joe’s sells frozen pre-cooked steel cut oats. They are delicious and very convenient.

    3. I’ll do a half cup of cooked steel cut oats, a tablespoon of almond butter stirred in after heating, and frozen raspberries.

      1. I do, yes. I have a bunch of 8 ounce plastic deli style containers (like the short version of what soup comes in from the Chinese restaurant) and will use those, or I also have one cup Ziploc brand food containers. I tend to under fill them so that I can add fixins.

    5. Oh, also: I sort of love homemade egg salad on toast for breakfast. Just a dab of mayo (fat), one or two eggs (or hardboiled whites if you’re watching cholesterol); some tomato or spinach? Pretty filling!

  6. Recs for a favorite natural acne body wash? I’m allergic to eucalyptus, and want to avoid salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide (TTC soon). TIA!

    1. African black soap. It’s the only thing that kept my skin remotely in control when I went off the pill. I got a huge hunk of it off Amazon.

    3. Maybe try using a salyx cloth for extra exfoliation. Body wash is on you so briefly before getting rinsed off, the actual content of the soap doesn’t really matter much as long as it’s not irritating.

    4. I believe tea tree oil is safe during pregnancy. Otherwise check with your doctor – you may still be able to use lactic or glycolic acids topically.

      1. Heads up to the OP in case she is unaware — tea tree is related to mint, so it might cause problems.

    5. I have never used it as a body wash, but I found that raw honey (from a farmer’s market) helped my face immensely. The only thing I didn’t like was that it was so sticky, I could only use it in the shower, not at the sink. But it made my skin feel lovely.

      I also like the Lush Fresh Farmacy soap – the main ingredient is calamine so it’s very calming.

    7. I use Plexion cleanser and Glytone exfoliating body wash on the recs of my dermatologist. Also TTC. She recommended using the Plexion (sulfa) wash as a “mask” rather than a cleanser. It’s been working well for me. Plexion is Rx but Glytone is not.

    8. Original formula Head and Shoulders, if you’re okay with those ingredients. I seem to have aged out of bacne/chestne for the most part, but a few years ago used H&S as a body wash on those parts (lathering and letting it sit while I shampooed my hair) worked wonders.

  8. Ladies, I made a serious dent in my credit card at the MM Lafleur DC store the other day. I bought 8 items! I was really impressed with the design and the beautiful draping of the dresses and tops. I ended up getting the shorter and longer jardigan, the Deneuve top in cream and blackberry, the Didion top in cream, the Foster pant in dark gray, the Samantha Dress in olive, and the Taylor dress in viridian (dark green). The dresses in particular are standouts, the draping is nothing like what you will find in a store.

    I’m not sure if I will keep everything (I’m thinking I don’t need the Deneuve top in two colors) but we’ll see once I get the shipment in the mail.

    For those who have these items, would love feedback on how well they have been holding up for you.

    1. Like you, I really liked a lot of what I tried on in the shop, and I made quite a few purchases. However, nearly each one of my MM LaFleur items has had some type of malfunction — mainly that the stitching has come undone in the hems or the little strings that keep the lining attached the outer layer. And all of these issues arose within a month or two of purchase. I’ve washed or dry cleaned according to instructions. MM LaFleur offered my a gift card and reimbursed me for the repairs costs, but I’m hesitant to buy again. Looking at yelp and on their facebook page suggests that I’m not the only one who has had these issues. And to be clear, Ive made my purchases in the last 6 months.

      So, my recommendation would be to stick with just a few items that you are really gaga over and see how they hold up. My jardigan is the only item that has been fine (knock on wood), but I’ve had minor issues with the Didion and Deneuve. Easy to fix and not fatal, but annoying considering the costs.

      Also, the cream tops are a magnet for grime, at least for me, but I also have two kids. Plus, the double lining and the polyster material makes it not ideal in the DC summer heat. Something to think about.

      I love their designs and I want them to succeed. But boy do I hope that they resolve these issues soon.

    2. Echoing the above, “Disappointed in MM,” I’ve also experienced some issues that have me rethinking whether I will go back to the brand. My Alexa dress pilled badly after I wore it with a leather, crossbody purse for an afternoon walk. I contacted customer service and was told they are “testing ways to remove pilling” on that fabric. That was four weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. I’m frustrated, not only because the fabric is billed as durable and anti-pill, but by MMLF’s silence after being assured a solution. My last return required me to proactively follow up on why I had not been issued a refund after the 10 (or whatever) business days had passed. MMLF had no explanation, only to assure me that the mistake was “not up to their standards.”

      1. Yep, pilling is an issue on one of my skirts. I was relying on the brand to revamp my wardrobe after two pregnancies. Very disappointed as they market their items to be workhorses. The pilling began almost immediately. I wasn’t thrilled with their response about my complaints, either. A $50 gift card isn’t really going to get me back when so many of the tops are in the $150 range.

        Glad to see that I’m really not the only one. There is so many positive reviews, but I haven’t seen to many QC complaints.

        1. There ARE so many positive reviews, but I haven’t seen TOO many QC complaints.

          1. Funny! I love the styles at MM LaFleur — I’ve bought two dresses and a pair of pants from there in the past year — but the hem off my dress also came undone this week. I’ve taken it to the dry cleaners to get it fixed, but it’s annoying given that it’s only been four months. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one!

    3. I love them. My Nisa dress has been worn approximately 50 times in the last year and is holding up fine.

      I’ve noticed the hems come unstitched but I think that’s because with some they expect you to get it hemmed to the right length – annoying, but it seems like sort of a purposeful oversight.

      I just ordered foster pants in black and the deneuve in cream myself!

      I also love the annie dress and my jardigan has held up fabulously as well and really been a workhorse for me.

      1. But if that were the case regarding the hems, I would suspect that they would have offered that as an excuse when I contacted them about the issue Plus, I had a sleeve on my Denueve top come unhemmed. I personally think it is a quality control issue, and it makes me worry about what else is going to fall apart.

    4. I have two Etsuko dresses and a jardigan. All are > a year old and I haven’t had any issues. I keep eyeing their dresses — I want my next one not to be belted.

    5. The blackberry Deneuve comes in the new plus sizes and I have been drooling for it, and the Etsuko in crackle and the Masha….

    6. I bought three dresses about a month ago. I agree with the others that the stitching is not what I’d expect. A hem (even a temporary one) shouldn’t fall out in just two or three wears, especially when I haven’t washed it yet. Also, why would they expect me to get it hemmed if they specifically advertise themselves as “perfectionists” when it comes to the length of the hem?

    7. I have 3 Masha dresses, an Angela dress, the longer jardigan, the Vesterbro cropped trousers, and the Betty top. They’ve all held up well for me and I get tons of compliments when I wear them. I’m a big fan.

    8. Funny timing, I went to the MMLF showroom in DC two weeks ago and dropped over $1000 (a lot for me). I loved almost everything I tried on, but I was not into the quality of the garments when I got home. The dresses I took home from the showroom were samples, and I didn’t realize until I got home that they smelled horrible so they needed immediate dry cleaning. The two that were shipped to me were very obviously dirty (deodorant marks and discoloration on both). I emailed and got a response that this wasn’t up to their standards and received a $25 gift card, but I think this has ended my short love affair with their brand. I think their prices are high yet reasonable for new clothes, but I feel mislead that I paid those prices for used clothes. They have pretty serious quality control issues since it happened to every item of clothing I purchased. They didn’t seem to offer solutions, but they did say they were looking into whether the bags in their shipping packages caused the marks.

  9. Anyone have any recs for an OBGYN in Northern Virginia? Expecting our second child and had a terrible experience with our first Obgyn. Would prefer to deliver in Inova Fairfax, but wouldnt mind a different hospital for the right practice group! TIA

    1. I love Elizabeth Garreau (Fairfax Loudoun OBGYN), who I found through a friend’s recommendation (2 kids) and she just recently moved practices. She now works with one other doctor (Mufti). Their PA is TERRIBLE, but the doctors are lovely. The office is small, in the basement of an office building, so it seems a little sketchy but it’s not, I promise. She only delivers at Fair Oaks though (which is where I am delivering in ~8 weeks, hopefully). I’ve had numerous friends deliver at Fairfax followed by a second delivery at Fair Oaks and every single one of them raves about how much better the experience is, FWIW.

      I see the high risk OBs at MFAMA as well, and they have been so-so. I like having a female OB – I’ve only seen males there. But they are very careful and thorough with my risks and the baby and deliver at both Reston and Fair Oaks. If you have to see a high-risk doctor, they are fine.

    2. I saw Dr. Rami Tabbarah at Inova’s Ballston office. He delivers at Inova Fairfax. Throughout my pregnancy, I ended up seeing everyone in the practice, and I liked all of them (some more than others, of course). He was my primary OB at the practice, so I saw him the most. He was calm, kind, friendly, and patient, and I felt like he really got to know me as a person. Also, everyone at the practice spends time on regular shifts at Inova Fairfax. So during my 28 hour induction, I saw several familiar faces from the practice, which was nice.

      And speaking of the 28 hour induction, Dr. Tabbarah didn’t treat me directly during the process — he happened to be at the hospital, but he was responding to a string of emergencies. But he popped in to check on me a few times when he could. As I was approaching 24 hours, he provided so much assurance that he wasn’t going to let anyone rush to a C-section based on time alone. As long as the baby and I were fine, he would let my body take as long as it needed. He also stopped in (again, between emergencies) when things were really ramping up and I was getting a lot of breakthrough pain despite the epidural. The nurse just kept telling me it was fine and I was supposed to feel that way. He swiftly advocated for me, and someone “topped me off” within minutes. He said later that he knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t exaggerating. So it was nice to have a doctor who cared to get to know me as a person and who trusted me when I said I needed something. I’d highly recommend him!

      1. Forgot to mention, he uses the online “mychart” system really well. When I’d have questions, I’d email him through mychart, and I’d always get an answer from him within the day. It was so much better than having to leave a message or go through the nurse.

    3. Love James Kacedan. We used him last year for our baby’s birth, and he was simply great. Solo practitioner. Also, Fairfax hospital was recently renovated (just before our birth) and it’s downright luxurious. Loved my (very long!) experience there. Also, Fairfax has a fantastic NICU team, which is always good to have.

  10. Vague vent alert . . .

    I am irritated about something that makes me kind of a selfish jerk. Because I would never say anything about it in RL, I am just going to do a little @#$#$%^@$%^)*@#$(R)U*D here in the hopes that it helps the feeling pass.

    I try to be a good person and think happy thoughts for other people, but sometimes I am selfish and want things to benefit me and be how I want them to be. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Sometimes it sucks being the person who is always understanding of others life situations, meaning that I get shafted on stuff. It’s not stuff where I can ask for what I want without coming across as a jerk, so I won’t, but man it chaps me sometimes.

    Carry on.

    1. Solidarity. This is why I get whichever slice of pizza I want, screw anyone else. Because I deserve to get what I want sometimes too, dammit!

  11. Any recommendations for great dresses to take on extended travel vacations? I”m looking to do several weeks abroad and prefer dresses for the simplicity. Looking for something that won’t wrinkle horribly and that will still look stylish. For reference, I have the Lucy Destination Anywhere dress and love it. Bonus points if I can wear it in a casual office when I get back. I am 5′ 2″, so most things will be decently long on me.

    1. I like the fit & flare knit dresses from Land’s End. I’ve looked at some dresses from Betabrand, but haven’t bought any. Old Navy has some cute dresses. I just bought a striped swing dress on sale for $10.

      The blog Travel Fashion Girl might be helpful also. There are posts about what to pack for specific destinations.

    5. Athleta midi tank dress. I’ve brought it on three trips and worn it during the day with sneakers and at night with flats.

    6. Lands End swim cover-up dresses are made from a nylon-ish fabric that doesn’t wrinkle and dries quickly. I wear them as clothes and have worn them out / to work without anyone suspecting otherwise. I have the sleeved ones, but believe they have sleeveless styles. They come in petite.

    7. Hit up REI and see what’s on sale. A lot of activewear brands make surprisingly cute sundresses that travel well. Also, Athleta.

    8. May be a little more casual/sporty than you’re looking for, but I LIVE in Arc’teryx Contenta dresses in the summer. I find that the black and white can easily be dressed up.

    9. I live in my Karina dress during the summer. Doesn’t wrinkle (they even ship them in USPS envelopes), dries quickly, made in the U.S., and has pockets.

  12. Topic for discussion: I was listening to a piece yesterday on researchers trying to find a cure for Prion disease. One of the researchers carried the genetic mutation for this condition and her mother had died from it. It got me thinking. When does genetic testing make sense? My family tree has Alzheimer’s on both sides in successive generations and I’ve had four family members die after years of progressive decline. I’ve kicked around the idea of getting tested, to the extent such a thing is possible, but wonder what I would do with the results. Could I do anything now to prevent development, would it alter my relationships and choices going forward? Could test results, even if the disease never develops, be discovered and jeopardize future insurability? Or, is the best choice to prepare for the possibility that this could develop and then be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t. Anyone given any thought to these issues?

    1. I’ve given it thought. I don’t think I’d want to know myself if it’s a disease that can’t be prevented or helped (I’d currently consider Alzheimer’s in that category, along with another “dread disease” one family member died from). If your family members test themselves, you may accidentally find out without testing yourself, depending on the pattern of inheritence.

    2. For me, I would only do testing if there was something concrete I could do at the time of testing to significantly alter the results. Like, if the test was 100% accurate, the condition was 100% fatal within 3 years, and I could do some kind of treatment to improve that outcome to 50% fatal within 15 years or something.

      I don’t like to borrow trouble. I’m not a worrier and I don’t intend to start. Knowing that I’m slightly more likely to die of X cancer and some unspecified time in the future isn’t really going to change the way I live my life, but might cause some negative ripples (like becoming obsessed with natural “remedies” or worrying about every headache or random pain). Yes, maybe I’d get more frequent scans, but I feel like insurance likely wouldn’t cover the increased costs and even more likely would then consider my higher risk a license to increase my costs or decrease my coverage. In practice, that means I wouldn’t be able to afford more frequent scans.

      Again, different if there’s a concrete action I can take to absolutely change the course of my immediate life. But nothing in medicine is that certain. At least not right now.

    3. I am interested in this discussion. I do not know my family medical history outside of knowing that my maternal grandmother suffered from anxiety and depression all of her life (samesies) and developed dementia years before her death.

    4. I’ve thought about this, because my Dad died at 54 of a rare and incurable cancer. Everyone who gets it dies of it, usually pretty quickly. There’s no remission possibility and not even any real advantage to early detection. I recognize that treatments advance all the time, but for the foreseeable future, it’s simply a death sentence.

      I really, really do not want to know if I have any genetic predisposition to this disease. There’s nothing I could do to prevent its onset, and I think it would just make me feel like a ticking clock. Nobody else in my family who really understands my Dad’s disease has any interest in tests or “prevention” either, because we all feel the same way. We don’t even talk about it.

    5. DH and I just had this conversation regarding our children this weekend. DH is a Type 1 diabetic and has Celiac’s. Our oldest has Crohn’s. There is genetic type/ auto-antibody testing available that shows the likelihood of developing Type 1 in the next 5 years. It is purely for research and any sign of the auto-antibodies that precede development in Type 1 allows that individual to participate in research studies. We are going to do the testing for both of our kids because although not 100% predictive, any positive results would allow us to possibly take preventative measures and jump on the first sign of development of the disease. A negative result would give a touch of a piece of mind.

    6. There are things you can do to lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s – how effective that actually is in prevention, I wouldn’t know. My roommate takes certain vitamins and eat a certain way because she hopes it will help ward off a family history of Alzheimer’s. They’re all mostly things that are general healthy behaviors.

    7. I had genetic testing done for a clotting disorder because it impacts how I do with surgeries and pregnancy. My sisters and mother were tested as well after my aunt was tested after numerous blood clots. For something like that, it was helpful information to know and isn’t something super life threatening and can be managed. For something like Huntington’s Disease, I don’t think I would want to know.

      Alzheimer’s also runs in our families, but for me the family history is enough to know that I need to be mindful about prevention strategies which are generally just healthy living + brain activity (e.g., crosswords). I’m not sure what the value add on genetic testing is, given that it’s not a clear cut you have it or you don’t.

      1. I’m having the clot genetic test done next month after a younger brother recently had a stroke because of the gene. It also causes early miscarriage but I didn’t have that issue.

        No Alzheimer’s in my family but a lot of cognitive decline so I’m following the Mediterranian MIND diet combo which has shown cognitive benefits. Lots of dark green leafy, nuts, berries and fish and low butter, red meat and fast/fried food. Healthy and not hard to follow.

    8. You have to know yourself here. In general, I prefer to know, even if it is bad news. I like to prepare, practically or, if the outcome can’t be changed, mentally.
      I saw an interesting Ted talk about preparing for a life with Alzheimer’s. Might be useful for you.

    9. If Alz runs in your family you almost certainly have a genetic predisposition to it but there is no guaranteee you’ll get it. Genetic testing wouldn’t be able to tell you anything more specific than that. Eat well, exercise and keep your mind sharp.

    10. How does one actually do these genetic tests?

      Are we talking about a 23andMe type of thing, or legitimate, doctor office testing?

      I’d love to hear if anyone has personal experience doing it. I’m adopted and while I know one birth side, the other is kind of more mysterious. I’d be curious to see what I have lurking I wasn’t aware of – just out of curiosity. (I’m also not the type to change anything about my life)

    11. Er, is there a specific gene they can test for for Alzheimer’s? I think you might be overestimating what genetic testing can do.

      I got tested for BRCA 1 & 2 because of a family history of ovarian cancer. They just drew a vial of blood and sent it off to a lab when I was there for my annual. It was negative. Had it been positive, I’d have had to discuss options with my doc for paying close attention to early detection of issues and how to address them if they arose.

      My OBGYN recommended the testing and my insurance covered it because of the family history, but my understanding is it’s not covered if there’s no history. No idea how much it costs.

      1. My understanding is that the genetic testing for early onset alz. is done largely as part of research studies that look at families and that they have identified a specific mutation for that. The early-onset form of the disease occurs much less frequently than the later onset. My family members all had later-onset and are deceased so that doesn’t do me much good. Genetic testing for the late onset also exists, but it apparently only shows increased risk based on certain allelles and doesn’t account for the other environmental factors that may also affect the disease.

    12. Is there a way to test but never have the result be part of your medical record (so as to not affect your insurability unless and until you develop a disease)? perhaps keeping it a secret is unethical but so is excluding people on the basis of genetics in my opinion.

    13. This is a fascinating area of medical ethics that I’ve read a lot about. Based on things I’ve seen, it does affect insurability in some cases, but that could be outweighed by early treatment options. And as others have pointed out, because of inheritance patterns, testing of one family member is sometimes de facto testing for others, and then what is the obligation to share the results? How does that change when you can take concrete action or not?

      I don’t have answers to any of this, just want to say that it’s something that lot of people are struggling with. I read a thought experiment where basically person wants to be tested to see if she has a disease that is terminal within 10 years. If she has it, she doesn’t want that doom hanging over her head, but if she does not, she wants to know so that it’s a relief. The “solution” is to ask the doctor to perform the test, and also to flip a coin in private. The result will only be shared with the patient if the test is negative, and the doctor “wins” the coin flip. So no results is plausibly just a lost coin flip, not a positive test.

      Hypothetically, I would test for things that would affect my reproduction decisions (Tay Sachs, for example) or that I could do something about (BRCA, and radical mastectomy/hysterectomy), but fortunately there are really no major diseases that run in my family.

  13. I just had to use five past contacts as references – including two from a previous job and one professor. Anything I can send as a thank you? Would that be weird? Looking for ideas of what you have done in a similar situation.

    All were contacted for a phone call and all said nice things.

      1. Agreed, call/email/card. If they did something more substantial, like write you a recommendation letter, it would maybe make sense to do more, but it would be odd to do so in this situation.

  14. In my career so far, I’ve only worked one place that I would say had a healthy, positive office culture. By this I mean everyone was respectful and professional, I didn’t hear any hurtful gossip, and there wasn’t a culture of fear instilled by management. I’m afraid that toxic work cultures are the norm! Now that I’m in management, I really want to do better.

    If you work or have worked in a healthy workplace, can you describe it in specific behaviors? How do you think someone in management can bring about a positive culture?

      1. Fair enough, but it isn’t. I don’t have a blog. I’m just a manager at a small, young, dysfunctional company looking for ideas to turn things around with what influence I have.

      2. But Godzilla, the OP is just lookeing for advice. I can tell her that I have had all kind’s of expereinces. Some good some bad. The onley common denominator is that the men always wish to subjugate us women, our ideas, and our work, to their work. At the same time, they want us to look up to them and treat them with respect they do NOT always show to us. The onley execption I have found is in my current job with the manageing partner, who treats me with respect, and takes care of me both financialy and emotionally. He recognizes my value and sympathizes with the fact that I have NOT found a worthy man. That is a rare quality in a man, and I appreciate his honesty. He also does NOT treat me as some sort of vassel; I make money for the firm so he rewards me. I think he is the BEST manageing partner I have ever had. YAY!!!!!

    2. IMO, managers HAVE to be willing to fire the toxic people. You can attempt to change their behavior through warnings or whatever, but I’ve never known anyone who is truly toxic in the workplace to change because generally there are zero repercussions for their behavior/actions. Managers also have to be willing to really go to bat with upper management on procedures, processes, etc., that are contributing to the toxic workplace. Easier said than done, I know, and it all depends on whether you have a good and non-toxic upper management.

      1. +1. I just had lunch with a partner I used to work for and he said “I wish we would’ve done something about so and so 5 years ago when you brought the issues to our attention. All 3 of our staff people quit at the same time with no jobs lined up during our busiest time of the year”. I quit because of this guy as did multiple other people and until it was almost detrimental to their business they didn’t follow up.

      2. I think every office is mildly toxic. It just depends on whether their brand of crazy matches yours.

        That said, I agree with CountC. Consequences matter, and they have to be visible. Negative ones of course, but also positive ones – if you have a team member who goes above and beyond, there need to be consequences for that. A promotion, a special project, a bonus, whatever. Managers need to go to bat for their team, good and bad, and the people below them need to see that it works.

        Every “toxic” workplace comes down to employees feeling like there are no repercussions or rewards for anything they do, so their work and behavior don’t matter. Create a healthy system of consequences, and you’ll have a healthy happy team.

        2. Umm I just realized this describes my office perfectly. I, as someone who tries to keep my head down and do my work, doesn’t matter. The people that complain about everything get accommodated and I end up getting scr3wed…

          1. This describes my office, and my day, perfectly. Even our newly hired receptionist makes unreasonable demands and is accommodated.

      3. A manager once said to me (not verbatim but close), “you coach, and you coach, and you fire the a-holes.”

        I think this is true.

      4. Agree. I, and many of my coworkers, quit a previous job over the course of about a year and a half because of a very toxic person who was actually promoted rather than removed. Terrible management decision. Toxic coworker eventually left under unfavorable circumstances (to dodge an investigation into harassment and workplace violence), and I often wonder if management ever actually realized the “cost” in lost good employees for the decision to let that situation fester for so long.

    3. I think the biggest thing is trusting your employees and giving them ownership in projects.

      I worked in a place once and was super frustrated because any suggestion I had was shot down right away with no explanation at all. I can handle being told no, but I’d at least like to understand why.

      1. This. I’m at a great company – gold plated benefits, good comp for about 7 months now and am just not getting any ownership over products or much meaningful work to do. For the first couple of months I chalked it up to being slow but at this point its sort of… new normal. It’s got me seriously looking as I don’t think I can sit here like this for 1,2,3 years. I’m also in one of those fields where you are only as good as your last trade so to speak so I am afraid of the career ramifications of having nothing to speak to for a couple of years on my resume.

    4. One of the things I like about my (satellite BigLaw) office and culture is the team/family aspect of it. First, we only hire “good people” – if we get the slightest hint that you might be a jerk in the interview process, no matter how good your grades, etc. are, you’re out. Second, people are willing to pitch in and cover for each other when stuff comes up, without complaint. I cover for partners when they’re on vacation on my deals (obviously there is some stuff they need to weigh in on, but I have the rope to make decisions that they don’t need to make), and they cover for me when I’m on vacation. This morning I had an OB appointment and a (very senior) partner turned a draft of a letter for me without me even asking him to since I told him I would be tied up until 11. Finally, trust and flexibility have been huge for my satisfaction/happiness. Once I proved I was a good worker, I have the flexibility to work from home (or from a relative’s sick room), etc. as needed and I am trusted to be available when I need to be and to get the work done that I need to get done. No micro-managing.

      1. TELL ME MORE

        Is your firm like this? Your group? Is it a group head that is like this or everyone?

        Also, maybe size of city and quadrant or industry? Not trying to out you, but trying to get a sense of how this develops and how to nurture that where I am (SEUS branch BigLaw office).

        1. The office was like this when I summered and has been since I’ve been here (now a senior associate). Also in the SEUS. Other offices are like this to more or less the same degree at least the ones with mostly home-grown folks rather than from an acquisition or a large influx of laterals – certain groups at our HQ are a little more aggressive/demanding/consistently bill crazy hours (IMO) unnecessarily. Part of what I think helps is the “no jerks” policy. Our group (corporate) tends to be better about the covering, but I see it in other groups as well. We’re also mostly open door – at least once a week someone wanders in to talk through an issue on a deal I’m not on just to get my perspective on it. Open access fosters communication (although it can get loud with multiple speakerphones going). I think it’s also a factor that 90%+ of the attorneys have kids (and see them! like them!) so there is this recognition that people have things in their lives that require shifting priorities (even if those priorities aren’t kids (e.g., weddings, planned vacations, family illness, softball league, etc.)).

          We have a partner in our group who coordinates work flow that rotates from time to time. and we also are small (50ish attorneys), so everyone generally knows what people have going on. We also share a lot of personal things with each other which my husband says is really weird for BigLaw but I like. For example, I know what their kids are doing, if family members are having health issues, hobbies, weekend plans, house renovations, etc. We’re very big on communication, which I think helps when you need to shift something around – it’s way easier to be understanding if you know why you’re taking on a bunch of extra work. Also there is no one in my office I genuinely dislike. I prefer working with some people more than others for various reasons, but liking everyone at a personal fundamental level helps immensely too.

    5. 1. Be transparent as much as possible
      2. Give specific positive feedback as much as possible
      3. Don’t be afraid to take aside the troublemakers, negative nellies, etc and coach them on their behavior. One of the toxic places we worked would have these huge crackdowns on everyone because they were too afraid to have a conversation with the one or two people who were causing problems.
      4. Pay people fairly

    6. I’ve been in a few toxic work environments, so I’ll bite. I think the main factor in making the environment toxic was the feeling that I was wholly unsupported by my manager, and at times even a scapegoat for his/her own incompetence.

      In contrast, in my current job, I feel super supported by my manager. The work is boring and the company leans heavily conservative (some celebrating after the last election, even) whereas I’m a born and raised liberal, but I’m happy here. I know that if I have any issues in completing my work, my boss has my back. That makes 100% of the difference.

      1. “I think the main factor in making the environment toxic was the feeling that I was wholly unsupported by my manager, and at times even a scapegoat for his/her own incompetence.”

        Yep. I actually just changed managers and even though nothing else about my job has changed suddenly feel much more positive about my job because new manager is not incompetent and I do not feel concerned that I will be a scapegoat for his mistakes.

    7. 1. Be direct with negative feedback. Deliver it with empathy and kindness, but don’t hide it in positive feedback.
      2. Give feedback immediately. No one’s review should be a surprise, and nothing new should be discussed at a review.
      3. Give positive feedback frequently and publicly.
      4. Be flexible
      5. Give credit where credit is due
      6. Talk up your team externally with other departments
      7. No tolerance for jerks. This is true for current folks and those you are hiring.
      8. Pitch in and develop a pitch in culture – no job is too small for anyone. If you have to clean out the fridge, so be it.
      9. Let your team know you have their backs.
      10. When problems arise, look for the root of the problem to correct it. Criticism or blame will never improve the situation. “So tell me what happened with X.” “How can we make sure that doesn’t happen again?”
      11. Don’t avoid conflict. It will only get worse.

    8. One of the best managers I had really cared about my professional development and interests. As someone who was new and young, it really made me feel like I was valued and taken seriously, that I was someone they would like to keep around.

      On the flip side, my most recent director was a nice dude, but incompetent. He would try to push problems back to me, because he didn’t know what he was doing. Like Torin and Wanderlust above, I was afraid that I’d end up being scapegoated. And to make up/cover for his ineptitude, he would veer into “solutions in search of a problem” territory, which of course created problems where there were none. He wouldn’t listen when we told him it was unnecessary or if we thought something was a bad idea. Luckily, he’s now gone.

      A recently hired senior director in my department is new to the public sector, but she’s always up for learning and willing to help out with even minor tasks. I think it sets a great example and shows that she trusts our judgment, something we never got from nice, but incompetent director.

    9. I work in a great environment, and it is the people that make it great. For biglaw litigation, I can’t imagine anything better.

      The biggest thing I appreciate is that there is a consistent appreciation for personal time. Working nights and weekends (except for big filing deadlines or trial) is simply not expected. No one is really online after about 6pm.

      Other things:
      -Partners help associates balance competing demands of multiple projects, and partners will actually coordinate and negotiate who gets your time if you are really over-extended
      -There is a large focus on associate development (i.e., finding appropriate opportunities for stuff like depos/hearings for young associates)
      -My group is nearly gender balanced and there is a focus on diversity in hiring
      -In interviews, if you are a dbag at all, you will NOT be hired, despite qualifications
      -More senior attorneys give credit to more junior attorneys
      -Team members will cover for each other without question when competing life demands beckon

      1. I work in a great biglaw environment as well. and I echo all these sentiments.
        I’m also sadly seeing it start to degrade after many MANY years of being great, and I’ll tell you why:
        – older partners have gotten weirdly possessive/competitive in their old age – this means they compete for associates’ time, pretend associates don’t have other cases or other bosses, complain when associates are tied up with other things even if they are legit.. like a TRIAL.
        – we are starting to shift to a more corporate feel. this means instead of organic mentoring, organic training, etc. we are doing more formal training events, mock depositions, etc. No one likes this and it is not effective.
        – We refuse to acknowledge we are understaffed, not just in a busy time. There is nothing worse than telling a super hardworking associate “you might just have to bill a few 200 hour months… we all did” when he/she has already been doing that for a year, and the complaint isn’t about the hours, it is about the competing expectations, impossible deadlines, etc. that result from point #1 above.

    10. The public defender’s office where I worked right after law school was perfect. The boss interviewed more for fit and personality than credentials. We just all got along. He seemed to have a knack on reading people. He also sat quietly in the lunch room and listened as the lawyers came in and out, telling court stories.

    11. I’m reading the book “Leaders Eat Last” by Simon Sinek right now. It’s a really good book that goes into the neuroscience of teamwork (I ignore the evopsych parts). He has a few really good ted talks for the abridged version of his book.

    12. My workplace has some elements of positive culture and negative culture. But one thing that made me LOVE my former boss was that he always made a point to call out my accomplishments to the higher ups. That is something you can do as management now. It goes such a long way!!

  15. Hey Georgians, What’s the feeling regarding the special election today? I’ve heard the reporting but am curious about what the feeling is like on the ground among those of you who live there!

    1. There’s a weird divide between the people in the 6th district and those of us nearby but in different districts. I live in the 5th, and there’s a lot of “but if I lived in the 6th I would…” or “the 6th needs to…” while the people in the 6th are either embracing the controversy to make themselves look important i.e. “I have to go VOTE today in the SPECIAL ELECTION! Have YOU heard about what a BIG DEAL it is?” or are laying low and hoping to avoid a majority of the chaos.

    2. I’m in the 6th, I’m inside the perimeter in an area that voted squarely for HRC. There are Ossoff signs EVERYWHERE so I’m hopeful, though I know that the far-flung suburbs will go for Handel. It’s really going to be a toss-up, and largely depend on the GOTV efforts by Ossoff’s campaign. I will say that this is the best organized campaign I’ve ever seen (and I’ve worked on a few) from Ossoff – down to them offering to apply for absentee ballots for us, and even offering to bring them to the SoS’s office for us. Keeping my fingers crossed for a victory – but either way, even a close race is a victory in this traditionally super-red district!

    3. The general feeling is that everyone will be glad when it’s over. I live in a neighboring district, and the commercials and signs are ubiquitous. My friends voted for Ossoff but I’m afraid he’ll lose.

      1. This, ditto. The ads have been non-stop. As a diehard Dem, I’m really mad at whoever Handel hired to do the genius takedown of Ossoff. It’s the one with sound bites from a bunch of San Francisco voters gushing over how much they love Ossoff. If there’s anything a Georgia Republican hates more than Pelosi, it’s those “California liberals”…

  16. When you are gardening with somebody who isn’t a regular gardening partner (….damn this metaphor) – do they stay after?

    I, very long story, met up with a friend who I had dated over decade ago in high school. We have a positive relationship- you’re very different at 17 and 28 – and have gotten together for brunch or dinner once or twice a year since we ended up in the same city. Except, this time we engaged in some gardening. He asked if I wanted him to go home and I invited him to stay because it was extremely late and he did, but also wanted to cuddle, be close, etc. through the night. Usually when non-commitally gardening I make a point of leaving.

    It’s only happened once so trying not to read in to it, but it is also just very odd to me to reconnect with my high school sweetheart and not only still enjoy each other as friends and people, but also have great…. gardens.

    1. Nope. I also don’t stay unless it’s a relationship situation but that’s a comfort situation for me – I like my sleep and I sleep much better in my own bed, alone.

    2. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer. Even for a non-regular partner, if you both want to stay, then stay.

  17. I have a pressing summer hat question. I saw a woman at the pool the other day wearing an awesome hat that was not quite a newsboy, not quite a cloche. It was big enough that she had it pulled over a bun, and there was a flap in front and a flap in the back. It was a cottony material. I asked her where she got it and she said it was gifted to her — she checked the tag and it said “ATwo, made in Thailand.” I’m coming up with NOTHING on Google searches. Does anyone have any familiarity with this kind of hat or recognize the name of this brand?

    1. The phrase “a pressing summer hat question” is the epitome of first world problems :)

      Atwood is a well known hat company…could the name on the tag have been partially rubbed off or obscured?

    2. Was it a long flap in the back? Check out “sun hat adult flap” on Amazon and see if that style matches up. Or perhaps a fedora style? Check out the Goorin Brothers site for examples – there are some wide brim straw fedoras that might be what you’re looking for.

    4. Speaking of pressing summer hat questions, I would love recommendations for women’s summer hats for large heads.

  18. Been married for almost 9 years now (got married young-ish) and now feel like I’m in a rut. Spouse is very relaxed and easy going and doesn’t think anything is wrong as long as I’m smiling and communicating with them (basically unless we are in an actual argument, they think everything is fine).

    I feel like everything else in my life is going so well. I have my dream job, a cute rescue dog that I adore, friends, community involvement. Basically living my dream life, except for our relationship. I can’t really describe it, but it went from me feeling frustrated at poor communication and feeling slighted and trying to “fix” the relationship through Gottman and similar resources for the past year to now feeling “meh” about the whole thing. There was a break of trust along the way (not actual cheating, but something I would personally consider devastating like cheating).

    While we share interests, we seem to be doing more of our hobbies separately. This is fine with me (they’re all benign, nerdy things), but as I’ve started to do more and more things on my own, I do long for how things used to be. I don’t want or need a different partner, but I do catch myself just dreaming of someone wanting me, showing me off, adventuring with me, treating me, and feeling so very lucky they’re with me. I don’t know how to say this without sounding super conceited, but I think I’m a catch (educated, loving, hard-working, responsible, etc.) and still have the opposite gender react to me this way.

    It’s frustrating because for a very long time early in our relationship, we were barely making ends meet, going to school, etc. Now that we both have great careers and can actually afford to do stuff (and not swipe a card for it!!), we don’t. I would never admit this to anyone IRL, but I feel so “meh” about it. I don’t want to leave, I’m very attracted to him, but I’m also very sad about the state of things and constantly wonder “OMG. IS THIS WHAT THE NEXT 40 YEARS WILL LOOK LIKE!?” I also catch myself daydreaming about my “dream” wedding (ours was very modest) and other things that I’m too old for. Is this normal? Is this just what happens after the “honeymoon” phase?

    Have you felt “meh” about your marriage? What happened?

    1. You sound emotionally disconnected from your spouse (based on the comment in your first paragraph). Is that something you can or want to work on? How about your husband (sounds like no)?

      1. I think I’d like to. I know for sure that I don’t want to leave.

        I don’t think he’s opposed to it. I really believe him when he says he thinks things are fine and is surprised that I feel like we have stuff to work on. (We are seen as “#goals” couple, as the kids say, in our circles, so I think to him we are fine.)

        I think we should talk about it, but I don’t know how to phrase the feelings I described above.

    2. It sounds like you might need to spend more time together. It is great to develop new hobbies but it is important to be growing together.

      About the dream wedding, I had some regret around that too. I would have liked more of an elegant party than what we ended up with. We had a 10th anniversary party that was much like the wedding we would have wanted. It was fun, and I am glad we did it.

      1. I’ve got a little of this going on too, but I think mine is mostly fueled by being in the thick of early child rearing. That said, I get it. I still love my husband, but there are moments where I’m not sure I “like” him.”

        But also related to the wedding part of this, is there something specific about the wedding that you could redo now with more time and money on your hands? For us, I ended up hating our photos and agree that we did so many things modestly at the time (also 10 years ago). So I found a local photog and got a fancy blowout and did great makeup and we did a photo shoot of engagement style photos a couple of years ago. It’s not the full on wedding photo spread I would have loved, but it’s nice to have something. And it felt wonderful to have the money now to spend on that.

      2. I’ve thought about the 10 year anniversary bash! But I feel like the relationship isn’t in the best place to be celebrated. Not sure if that makes sense.

        I’ve never felt this meh about stuff (I’m the super excited about every little thing kind of person), so I think in theory this sounds beautiful and lovely, but wonder “what’s the point” if things aren’t the best/healthy.

        1. What if you flipped it and used the bash as a way to kickstart yourselves and relight the fire? Perhaps, thinking about why you got married in the first place would be a way talk about how to get out of the meh place you are in now?

    3. While it’s healthy to have your own interests, I would focus more on trying to incorporate some fun and novelty into your relationship. IME, the fantasies you’re describing are a clear sign that you’re feeling disconnected (and you’ve said as much). In a long-term relationship, it happens sometimes. Life gets serious and an escape starts sounding pretty great. You now have the money to do fun things, so do them. Be willing to get the ball rolling first. Novelty doesn’t have to involve expensive trips and outings, either.

      1. Yes – shake things up. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years (married for almost 6 with a toddler). There are inevitably ruts. Assuming that you still want to be married (or, at least feel like you did everything to stay married), you have to have new adventures together. Tell your husband that you are bored and that you want to do new things together. Sometimes that means you’ll have to book those things yourself, rather than relying on your husband to intuit or know what to do/book. Go for a hike, to a trampoline park, take a cooking class, go to the beach/lake. Spend a weekend being a tourist in your city; try new restaurants. Get dressed up and go out for drinks and a fancy meal. Do something outside your normal routine.

    4. I think it’s normal in a relationship that long. You’ll have ups, downs, and mehs. I’ve been married about 10 years at this point and I’m in meh-t0-good place at the moment. Last year was straight up bad and I fantasized about running away from it all. Glad I didn’t. I know you mentioned Gottman, but I’ve been reading his book The Relationship Cure. It’s not just about marriage, it can be applied to any relationship. That and a couple of calm, non-accusatory heart to hearts have been helping us get to a better place. I’m also trying to remember that my husband cannot read minds and that I need to tell him what I want. If you want to spend more time with your husband, start asking him to do that. If you want to go do some activity or go to some fancy restaurant, start getting together with him and making the plans.

      I also try to remind myself, when things are generally good but boring and I start daydreaming about other life paths, that the grass is rarely greener. I had a really eye-opening experience a few weeks ago. My closest near-miss (i.e. someone I very well may have ended up with) ended up marrying a woman that I am now good friends with now. I happened to be at their house when they got into an argument (awkward AF). The way they talk to each other? Oh my goodness. So glad I didn’t end up with him.

      1. Hahaha. I appreciate this comment. It made me laugh so hard! I know those near-misses and oh my goodness, you are right. The grass is rarely greener!

  19. I know there are a few Boden devotees around these parts and wanted to know if any of you can speak to Boden’s customer service. I had ordered two dresses, only to realize that I didn’t want the second, after all. I called on the same day to see if I could have it removed from my order. But it was already far enough along in processing that the best they could do is cancel that order entirely and then re-order just the dress I wanted. Cool. Fine. I guess I just want assurance that they’re reliable and timely in processing cancellations. It’s not an insignificant amount of money for me and I’d feel better knowing that my money will be returned without too much hassle.

    1. I’ve never cancelled anything with them, but I’ve returned a ton of stuff (their dresses tempt me so much, even though I know they don’t work for me, sometimes I can’t avoid trying), and I’ve never had any issues.

    2. They were timely with my refunds whenever I’ve returned something. I’ve had great luck with their customer service, they are usually prompt and pleasant to talk to.

    4. This is what I hoped to hear! Thanks ladies! I had googled this before posting and read a number of complaints. I know that they’re not always reliable, but it got me nervous.

    5. AMAZING. I ordered a dress a couple of weeks ago for an event last weekend. Once the dress shipped it was clear it would not arrive in time. I went on the online chat and they send me a replacement dress to the place I was going, overnight, no shipping costs to me.

      I also bought a pair of shoes a few months ago and a piece broke. I emailed them (no description of the shoes, just saying they broke and what could we do about it). They emailed me back with a PICTURE OF THE SHOES (they looked up my order from my email), sent a replacement pair no questions asked, and a box to return the broken shoes.

  20. Hair help! I wash my hair every other day and on the days that I don’t wash my hair, I use dry shampoo to keep from looking too greasy. I love the texture and fullness that it gives to my hair to the point that I enjoy the dirty hair days more than the clean hair days. Is there a styling product that could give me the same effect on my clean hair days? It’s my understanding that dry shampoo should be used sparingly.

    1. I use dry shampoo every day for that reason, as long as you use a good clarifying shampoo and your scalp doesn’t get irritated – you should be ok.

    2. I like the Oribe dry texturing spray and the Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast. But there are a ton of similar products out there these days.

    3. I think a texturizer spray might be what you want, something like Style Sexy Hair Play Dirty Dry Wax Spray or amika Un.Done Texture Spray.

    4. There are volume powders that work the same way, but without the oil-reducing properties. My stylist uses Oribe. If I really just want some oomph I use baby powder/dry shampoo and a bit of hairspray. The combo looks pretty similar to the Oribe, and seems to work even better in humidity.

    5. I have found out that a hairstyling spray used to create messy styles has similar benefits to a dry shampoo. I use LOreal Professional Wild Style Crepage de Chignon spray and it adds texture and fullness you are looking for.

  21. Is this reasonable? I rarely go to a doctor! Moved recently and found a new ob/gyn – convenient location and looks good on paper. Made my first appt. and learned they want this to be a “meet the doctor” new patient visit, with a wellness check on a second visit. I pressed them and said I expect pap at least- not sure I’ll have time for a second visit. They said they would try. Is this normal? I figured I’d go regardless and if I really like them I’ll deal, either way…if they’re not great, move on next year…

    2. IMO, no this is weird. Is it a small practice? I go to a regional women’s group and while it’s in and out they have been fantastic about catching things while not wasting my time. Is the first visit free? Otherwise you are looking at a co-pay and then your wellness visit. Maybe this is their way of billing your insurance 2x…

    3. This is weird. It makes sense to schedule a little extra time for a first visit, but they should also perform your normal annual exam. I’d insist on doing the exam that day and if they refuse or give you a hard time, find a different doctor.

    4. I don’t think this is reasonable. I’ve had doctors schedule extra time for first visits so they can do a “meet the doctor” session, but I’ve never had anyone refuse to give me a basic wellness check on a first visit. I would suspect it’s a way to bill insurance twice, and I’d anticipate problems with them in the future and go somewhere else.

    5. I just had this happen with a new doctor. I got there and the doctor said, “Well, I don’t have time for a _REAL_ appointment today. Let’s just do a meet and greet. And then she didn’t have availability for THREE MONTHS for a real appointment. It was super-annoying and I definitely got the feeling that they wanted to bill my ins. twice and get a co-pay from me twice. I am now looking for another doctor.

      If this is literally their MO, ask them to book you two appointments back-to-back on the same day. If they won’t do that, that’s a red flag that they really are trying to spin your insurance. I’d call them out on it.

      It’s hard enough to miss work for one appointment, let alone two.

      1. Yeah, I would guess this is a way to bill for two office visits, unless you have a complex gynecological history or there would be some other circumstance that necessitates two visits. I went to a doctor’s office once that wanted me to come back into the office when lab results returned so they could “talk through them in person.” (A workup with my normal checkup, nothing sensitive, and no reason to believe anything dramatic would come of it.) They’re just trying to get more visits to bill for.

    6. This is normal for GPs in my area (Toronto, Canada). Not for OBs but I have only seen an OB during pregnancy, not for normal pap etc checks – GP handles those.

    7. Doctor here. But not GYN.

      Honestly….. this is amazing. I guess if financially you cannot afford the co-pay, that is a problem. But for good medical care, and for a brand new doctor to get to know you well, this is really a good thing.

      To book one appointment, with a new patient, and expect to have time to take a COMPLETE history and physical (which now has to be documented extensively per many insurance requirements) and do a PAP etc… in what… 30 minutes? 45 minutes? Most insurance companies don’t allow enough time. It’s impossible to do a good job.

      Let’s put it this way…. if your OB can manage a new patient appointment and PAP in the time slot given … then they aren’t asking you all of the questions they should be or examining you sufficiently. That’s the truth.

      Sometimes it is worth spending a little bit more time.

      I’m healthy and only see the doctor once a year.

      1. Agree with you that it’s not good medicine to see a new patient and do an exam in the standard 15-20 min block. Yet I had a PCP in NYC who would schedule first appointments for something like 45 min. You’d talk in her office (not the little room) for 15-20 min, exam in the exam room, back to her office to talk some more about what tests she was ordering and why, and then blood drawn by her nurse in the office. Not sure why some doctors can do that and some can’t — she took insurance and my insurance covered it, so it wasn’t some high end NYC private pay situation either.

      2. Ok thanks all, I’m going to keep an open mind and see how it goes overall.

    8. My practice in DC did this BUT they addressed a lot of things at the first appt–including renewing any prescriptions I needed and ordering any labs–AND scheduled the real appointment at the same time so there was very little lag between the two. But, my practice had a lot of availability and there was little wait. I was prepared to hate it but it was actually nice to be able to discuss the lab results at the second “real” appointment and get down to brass tacks with someone I felt like I knew.

      This was an FP, not an OBGYN, so it was pretty all encompassing.

    9. This is annoying for busy people. No reason they can’t do a meet and greet, and an exam on the same day.

      I wonder if it is a scheme to make more money.

    10. Dentists in my area do this. Very annoying. The first appointment is the dental exam and the second is the cleaning. I kind of get it for people who are coming in with major issues but not for people who are otherwise healthy and not expecting major dental work.

    11. This is great. We always complain about doctors not paying attention to us in a meaningful way, then when they try to, we complain it inconveniences us. LOLOL

    12. I did my MD and residency in Canada and this was very standard when establishing a new relationship with a primary- they get a detailed medical history, talk to you about office policies (whether you can email them, whether emergencies might be covered my another MD at night or on weekends, whether they have residents, etc) and you tell them about your expectations, preferences, health philosophies, anything like that. I was super busy and I still thought these were valuable appointments.

      On the other hand, all medical appointments are free in Canada. I can see how if you were getting billed this would be more of a problem!

  22. I need tips on making a work dress look more casual to fit my current office environment. It’s the Lauren Ralph Lauren Cap Sleeve Sheath Dress in jersey fabric (will post link in comment). I love the dress and it fits well, but it’s a little to formal for my everyday office. How can I style it to fit a business casual environment?

      1. I think shoes will make a big difference on making it feel more casual. Flats or sandals, rather than anything heeled, would work.

  23. Look for volumizing powders or boosting powders. They’re the insta-blogger secret to those thick, messy braids.

  24. Is there anything OTC to take for neck pain? I don’t know if I slept wrong or what, but I am hurting today.

    1. I usually go with Aleve (naproxen) over ibuprofen for neck pain and it helps. Or I massage something with lidocaine in.

    3. Like you slept wrong and can’t turn your head without muscles pulling weird in your back? Ibuprofen is my go-to.

      1. Thanks for the suggestions! It’s sort of like that (which I have experienced before), but it’s also a pain that feels good when massaged – it’s like a very strong tightness in that bump/ridge that’s below and behind your ear. Also tension on the same side in my forehead. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve had this before but it feels worse today.

        1. Stiff neck is usually the levator scapulae, but this could be the sternocleidomastoid. I’ll post a link to sternocleidomastoid trigger point release below to avoid moderation. I’ve had problems with both for years, thermacare heat wraps help, OTC pain killers don’t make much difference for me but are worth trying to see if they help you.

        2. I think ibuprofen is good for muscle soreness/inflammation. Also, if you can, try to get a chair massage today (like at a nail salon).

        3. YOu might want to consider 600-800 mg for the ibuprofen (4 x 200 mg pills) instead of the recommended 400 mg dosage listed on the bottle. Family friend who is a nurse talked about the muscle relaxation effects don’t kick in for some people until you hit the 800 mg level (also the prescription dosage).

  25. I need some cute shoes to wear with dresses to graduations, happy hour with friends, etc., and I like these, but the low block heel makes them seem a little old lady-ish:

    https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/cl-by-laundry-jody-sandal/364138?activeColor=001

    I saw a lot of block heels as I walked around DSW, so maybe that’s the style? I’m early 30s but apparently not very fashionable. Also, are super pointy-toed shoes back in? I saw that shape almost exclusively as I was walking the store. NOOOO, give me back my almond-toe heels!

    4. Ok, whew, I think I shall purchase them and wear them proudly :) Thanks!

  26. A close friend has been driving me crazy lately. She’s basically turned exercise into a competition between us, against my will. I am by no means an athlete, but I am in decent shape and I workout somewhat regularly, primarily as a form of stress release. My friend is in much better shape than I am and competes in races and that kind of thing, which I have been very supportive of.
    Sometime in the last couple months, she has decided that it is okay to tell me every time she works out. Several times a week, I’ll get text messages telling me (unprompted) how far she ran or biked or (also unprompted) photos of her sweaty t-shirt after a workout or the like. I don’t respond to most of these messages. I can’t so much as mention the fact that I worked out, even in passing, when I am around her or she will go into hyperdrive and get very competitive and tell me about every workout she did the past week. Even when I don’t mention exercise, if I text her before a certain time in the morning (I’m a morning exerciser), she will assume I have worked out and ask what I did and then tell me about her workout plans for the next few days.
    I have no idea why this started, but it is turning exercise, which used to be something that relaxed me, into a huge stressor in my life. It also has made me really resent this friend and try to avoid communication with her. How do I make this stop?

    1. Are you good enough friends to say, “Dude, stop sending me pictures of your sweaty shirts. You’re ruining my donuts. Want to have a margarita later”?

    2. Ugh, that sounds so irritating. I can’t stand that kind of one-upping. I would totally be avoiding that person, but if I you feel like speaking up with help, I’d keep it light.

      “Hey friend, I’m glad that you’ve found a routine that works for you and I’m so proud of you for kicking butt, but discussing my own exercise routine just isn’t that interesting.” Then change the subject.

      1. Admittedly, that doesn’t do much to stop the photos. Maybe suggest that she share them on her instagram feed instead. ;)

    3. Honestly, I feel like you could reframe this from “she’s gotten all competitive about exercise” to “she’s decided to use exercise as a form of bonding with me.”

      But… just tell her! “Dude! You are stressing me out with all the exercise talk! Could we put a moratorium on that kind of thing for a while?”

      2. I agree – maybe she thinks that you’re bonding or sharing a mutual interest? Doesn’t make it less annoying though!

      3. Maybe that’s how it started — we used to bond over exercise, and go to workout classes together and be happy for each other when we made progress toward our respective (very different) goals. I can’t figure out when or how it crossed the line into where things are now. I’ve tried telling her that the sweaty t-shirt photos are gross, but that hasn’t worked unfortunately. I try to change the subject every time she brings exercise up, but that has also found limited success. Sigh. Thanks for the push to have a more straightforward conversation, that’s probably the right thing to do but I’ve been avoiding it because she will almost certainly get defensive and angry with me (and I’m not sure it will actually stop things).

        1. It’s starting to seem like something else must be going on with this friendship. Cold that be it?

          1. I guess it must be, I’m just not sure what it would be. We both have lives that we’re quite happy with, and nothing has really changed in the last few months that would bring something like this on.

        2. Could this be her trying to stay accountable? Might suss that out in conversation, then if yes, suggest another outlet for the accountability she craves. I think it’s fine for you to say “I’m really happy that you are happy getting so much working out in but you don’t have to tell me every time–it doesn’t matter to me when or even if you exercise, friend! If you’re looking to stay accountable, I’ve heard great things about my fitness pal [or dietbet or insert app here] that seem to work!”

        3. Do you think it would be helpful to tell her what you said above– that you liked how it used to be, when it was supportive and fun, and that this current dynamic is stressful and turning you off of exercise instead of spurring you on? If working out is important to her on a level beyond competition, I’d hope that she wouldn’t want to be actively turning you off it.

    4. Is it really a competition or is she just looking for a buddy? It kind of seems like she’s not trying to compete with you, she just wants a friend to talk about stuff like this with.

      1. I wish this was the case, but it definitely isn’t. She has stopped being supportive of me when I achieve new goals, and has gotten very critical. For example, I recently shaved a half-minute off my mile pace and was very proud of myself. She runs much faster than I do, and took that opportunity to tell me how slow I was.

        1. Well then you just need to shut that nonsense down.

        2. Ok, that’s ridiculous. I said below that I might be your annoying friend, but I take it back… I’m high-fiving my friends if they achieve goals, not belittling them when they do something awesome. It sounds like she might be jealous that you’re improving or something.

        3. OH H E L L NO. I like the dude! suggestion above, but this calls for something a little bit more stern IMO.

          “Dude! You’re stressing me out with all of this exercise talk. I don’t want to talk about it with you anymore, please stop.”

          I am sure she will get defensive and mad . . . just ignore her until it blows over. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who wasn’t supportive of my interests, whatever they are, and she is being the opposite of supportive. Bye, Felicia!

        4. Was going to say, from the substance of what you’ve recounted in the original post it doesn’t sound like she’s being competitive, just more share-y than you appreciate.

          But wow. This comment was flat rude and unfriendly. I would say tell her you didn’t appreciate it, if you haven’t already, and that you don’t want to discuss workouts with her. She might be hurt, but, if she can’t be nice about your achievements I see that as her problem not yours.

        5. “Ouch!” “Wow that was mean!” “Yikes did you wake up on the wrong side of the trail???”

          If it’s been more than a one-off comment, and it sounds like it has, I agree it’s time for a heart to heart. “You’ve been uncharacteristically cranky lately about exercise, is everything OK? No seriously – some of your comments have really made me feel bad.”

      2. This would be my question… I might be your annoying friend, but I thought we were just swapping stories about a mutual interest, so I’d want to know if I was stressing you out. I don’t go quite this far, my texts are usually a bit self-deprecating and only 1x or 2x a month, but still. And sometimes it’s a random humorous story about a bro at the gym that’s doing something dumb because he’s a bro. My point is totally not to one-up my friends, just to share some funny moments from my day.

  27. Somebody posted here a while back about making a complete outfit with just a top and a bottom, without a jacket or other “third piece” to top it off. It’s been hot here this week and I decided, after a lifetime of wearing a jacket to the office every. single. day. that I was declaring my third-piece independence. Yesterday I wore an A-line skirt, short-sleeve striped knit top, and statement necklace. Today I am wearing a print pencil skirt, coral lightweight knit top, long pendant necklace, and coral pumps. So far the planet is still turning even in the absence of me with a jacket.

    My takeaway form the discussion the other day was that when you only have two main pieces, they have to be pretty darned good pieces. Also, that special shoes and/or necklace can serve a similar purpose to a jacket in that they can elevate a skirt/pants-plus-top ensemble. And relatedly, somebody said in an even earlier thread that a dress can be a complete outfit because women do not have to dress the same as men to be dressed appropriately for business. I have been experimenting with that, too, and again the world is still spinning. Who knew? So thanks for all the interesting fashion food for thought, ladies!

    1. Where do you find these magical stand-alone knit tops? I’m ready to spruce up my wardrobe!

      1. I got a whole bunch of magical silk cashmere tops at Banana Republic but alas they are mostly sold out. Lucky sizes and colors still available, search for Silk Cashmere Elbow-Sleeve Pullover.

        1. They have a lot of other styles still available, too. I’m digging BR these days.

    2. Oh yeah, statement necklaces are definitely 3rd pieces. I like blazers because they nip in at my waist and make me feel authoritative, but have absolutely relied on necklace or shoes or scarf as a 3rd piece.

      1. Yes, I was going to say (as someone who almost never wears a blazer) that statement necklaces are definitely third pieces! As are scarves, belts, a collar poking out underneath (not for summer of course), and even statement shoes! That being said, I am an almost-always-dress person which has different rules, I think.

  28. Here’s my vent of the day. Doctors always assuming I’m pregnant as the be all and end of all of every medical ailment I ever call about. To top it off, I’ve been trying for a year and a half so it rubs salt in the wound. I’m having bad stomach issues and called my GI to see if we need to change up my meds. First question, are you sure you aren’t pregnant? I told the nurse that I’m TTC and track my cycles, had a negative pregnancy test and a period at the end of my last cycle and haven’t ovulated yet. She suggested I take another pregnancy test tonight, just to be sure. At least she is still bringing my concerns to the doc without waiting to hear back the results.

    1. Try never having sex, bleeding non-stop, taking progesterone pills, and still having the doctor perform pregnancy tests prior to an exam. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING, I’M ABSOLUTELY NOT PREGNANT.

    2. It sounds like the nurse, and not the doctor, is the issue? I’m in healthcare and also personally dealt with infertility, so I feel your pain–it stinks to be constantly asked and reminded about pregnancy. If it helps, a firm, perhaps slightly testy “Here is my problem and yes, I have already ruled out pregnancy” statement at the beginning of any interaction should help. It’s totally ok to level with us–feel free to let them know you’ve been TTC and would like to look at non-pregancy-related causes of your issue (and you can state it that boldly). If that doesn’t shut the “But it could be pregnancy!” avenue of questioning down, I would seek care elsewhere.

      1. Thanks. After venting to a few friends, it is apparently quite common for women to go to the doc w/ odd symptoms and learn that they were actually pregnant and didn’t know it. Of course, that’s the whole premise of “I didn’t know I was pregnant!” I also got a call back that was spot on for getting to the bottom of this that did not mention pregnancy so I’m feeling better.

    3. I showed up at my 6 week postpartum appointment after having my daughter and they insisted on a pregnancy test. I was like, dude, you have even cleared me for gardening yet. Unless you forgot one in there 6 weeks ago, the womb is empty.

    4. Real life – two weeks ago a friend of mine – smart, successful woman, 39 years old, swore she’d had sex twice in the last year, went to the doctor for totally unrelated issues (or so she thought) and learned that not only was she pregnant, but that she was TWENTY-NINE WEEKS PREGNANT. She’d already had two kids eight and six years ago and evidently had no symptoms at all with this pregnancy – including that I have seen her since and she does not even look pregnant. I looked like I was pregnant with twin whales at 29 weeks. So, I get the other side of it.

  29. Hive mind, do you have any recommendation for professional resume creating/help services? I’m in a technical (engineering) field in north Texas area and looking for help in building a technical resume and a more ‘leadership’ centric resume. Seems that a time for a career change is here (whether new company in same field or new field I am not sure). I’ve only had to apply internally to jobs in my current big company and am feeling a little stymied as to what the rest of the world is using for attention getting resumes these days.
    My hunch is that I’ll make more progress working with someone as opposed to googling, but maybe not.
    Any ideas?

  30. I’m looking for some ways to help be a good daughter.

    My grandmother is in the hospital. She’s old. She’s got some scary stuff going on (stroke, mass, needs open heart surgery, etc), but she is stable. She has been in the hospital for 2+ weeks. My mom is one of four siblings; she and a Sister A are local. Sister B is a 3 hour drive away. Brother is across the country and semi-estranged–perhaps the right way to put it is “not a particularly active member of the family.”

    My mother is a contractor (no work = no pay). Sister A is a senior person at a big company with good benefits and lots of vacation time in her bank. Sister B is a teacher whose year ends this week.

    My mom has been spending all her time at the hospital. She’s slept there most nights. Sister A has spent many (probably 50%, if not more) days there, including all weekends, taking probably 6+ vacation days over the past 2.5 weeks. Sister B took 2 personal days and spent two long weekends. Sister B slept in the hospital once. Sister A has not.

    Sister A and Sister B recognize that my mom is no work=no pay, and they are trying to find ways to make it so my grandmother has support- for example, hiring someone to stay with her overnight in the hospital (this is apparently a thing). My mother is *outraged*. My mother believes the sisters should be sleeping at the hospital nightly. Sisters have offered to pay for this service, not asking my mom to chip in. Essentially, sending someone “in their stead” (and offering to send this person in my mother’s stead too).

    I hear, nonstop, that my aunts are thoughtless, are “ready to leave Mom with a complete stranger because they don’t want to sleep in a hospital.” My mom thinks the sisters should pay her to stay there, and not a stranger.

    This is crazy bananas, yes? I’m 1000% on Team Aunt. My grandmother is stable. She’s scared, understandably, but functional. She’s not touch-and-go; she’s under observation, getting tests, and awaiting surgery. She has visitors all the time, and her kids (except her son) are there during all waking hours. Her grandkids are in and out visiting. Her great-grandkids facetime in and sing silly songs. She has told her kids (mom/aunts) that they don’t need to be there overnight, but my mom insists because apparently my grandma is confused in the mornings.

    I understand that my mom feels she needs to be there, but she’s misdirecting her fear about her mom and turning it into this “who can be the bigger martyr” thing. She did the same thing when my grandfather was ill over a decade ago.

    I’m trying to empathize with my mom. If she wants to stay, she should stay. But she’s now making it A Thing about how her sisters, who are in their 60s as well, “can’t be bothered to be a little uncomfortable.”

    I tried just listening, but it isn’t working. I even offered to drive down and stay overnight, but my mom told me, “oh, you can keep me company [here, at the hospital.'” No. I’d be going so that SHE CAN GO HOME OR DO WORK or…both.

    1. Yeah, your mom is going pretty overboard. I think it’s more than reasonable to hire a night nurse or whatever and more than reasonable to not want to sleep in a hospital.

      Don’t necessarily have any brilliant advice about how to deal with your mom. Maybe just keep saying something like “I’m sorry this is so hard for you?”

    2. Yeah, I 100% agree with you that your mom is misplacing her fear and frustration here. I’m with your grandmother in that I don’t really see the need for someone to sleep at the hospital either. But, your mom’s choice to do it is still her choice. Maybe you can say something like, “Mom, everyone handles these sorts of circumstances differently” as a way to deflect some of her anger.

    3. Our moms should get together and Martyr it up together!!!

      Mom is on *MONTH 3* of living with 91 year old grandma after she had a fall and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. While in the hospital, Mom had to be there around the clock because, “That idiot staff is giving a diabetic juice! And syrup! And muffins!” No one could be trusted (except her, of course).

      When grandma moved home, the 3 sisters divided up “babysitting” duties. Mom, who is retired, lives with grandma from Monday – Friday evening. Sister B, employed at a normal desk job, relieves her on Friday evening and stays all weekend until Sunday evening. Sister C, working shifts as a nurse, flat our refuses to commit to this level of care and pushes for a nursing home. They are all in their 60’s, married, with their own families.

      I don’t even call my mom, now. She’s exhausted, bitter, screaming insults and rage about how awful grandma and her sisters are. If I offer *any* advice, she bites my head off because she knows what needs to be done, but that’s not an option yet, and IT’S ALLLLLL ON HER!!!!!!

      My Mom doesn’t want to advice, help, or anything other than a listening ear to b!tch at. She’s started playing up her own health problems, so I know she won’t quit this ridiculousness until she collapses and has the water tight excuse of *my health gave out*. I personally think grandma would be better in a nursing home now, because her own daughters are pushed to the brink and are starting to treat her with insults and contempt. She’s showing signs of short term memory loss, and she’s half deaf and getting mean as well. They all sit around seething and hating each other. It’s incredibly toxic.

      But–grandma is not my mother, and I have zero input on how the sisters decide to finish this. All I know is I’m not willing to listen to Mom complain about her lot in life, when she has put herself into this situation and isn’t willing to either, A.) work hard to stay positive and make the most of it, or B.) accept that it’s too much and make realistic plans to fix it.

      1. Wow, no kidding. We are leading parallel lives. My grandma (90) is super fun. Perhaps she and your grandma can share a room and watch daytime TV together loudly enough to drown out the martyr daughters trying to one-up each other(you know they will).

        1. Absolutely! I think it would be nice if our mothers could step back and see that EVERYONE worries about their elderly parents. Life isn’t an episode of Dateline, and you can trust (after verifying) that the staff are going to do their jobs, the other elderly patients aren’t psychotic, and the other visitors milling around the hospital are just as anxious and concerned about their parent.

          Instead they get all worked up and act like they are the only ones who can be trusted to do it right, and unfortunately the grandparents (who are more than likely battling early stages of dementia) feed into that. Throw in the cost and potential savings of thousands of dollars (and grandma’s life savings) if only *someone* would sacrifice and just move in with her…

          I imagine that thinking of nursing homes or hired care feels a lot like dropping your 6 week old off at daycare for the first time. Everything in your body is screaming WHAT IF and THIS IS WRONG but it’s really not like that. Emotions and guilt and fear are clouding everything.

          Actually, now that I think of it that way, I think my Mom is making the guilt ridden choice to be a SAHM. Instead of putting the baby in daycare (or grandma in a nursing home) she’s decided to climb on the altar and sacrifice her life to caregiving. Never mind that it doesn’t make financial sense. Never mind that she hates children (or grandma). Never mind that she isn’t physically up to it. She’s going to do it anyway, and angrily tell the world all about her sacrifice.

          1. OH my god this. My mom was a SAHM and that was the first of her many rises to the altar of martyrdom. Years (and a divorce) later, my dad told me he encouraged her to go back to work, and that they were financially fine either way- she just thought it must be that she stay home. Until all 3 kids were in high school. And then go part time.

  31. Apparently it is Paralegal Day in Massachusetts today (as our paralegal just emailed us). Is this email notification a way of asking for public thanks, recognition or gifts? I’m not sure how to handle this. “Thanks, and good work”?

    1. That’s tacky. Sounds like they’re asking you for cash (like on Administrative Assistant Day). I’d just go with the “thanks for everything you do” route.

  32. Thanks, all. I agree with these sentiments – just didn’t know if I was off base.

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