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Weekend Open Thread: Veronica Beard

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wide leg blue jeans with patch pockets

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

We talk a lot about the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale and the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sales because they tend to have a wide range of sizes available for clothes on sale… but if you want real deals, the rare clearance sales like this one are the ones to shop.

The cons: There are a LOT of lucky sizes… many items are down to only one or two items, period. But the big pro: the deals! Lots of prices are about a quarter of what they once were. A good example: these jeans from Veronica Beard look great.

I like the patch pockets and the wide leg, as well as the tailored details on the back of the jeans. Would I have paid $348 for the jeans… probably not. (Even though readers have said good things about VB denim over the years!) But at $167, it’s a muuuuch easier sell. (That’s the extra 20% off price; they were marked down to $208 earlier.)

Some sizes for the pictured jeans are sold out, but most are still in stock. I’ve only run a few searches so far, but there are good deals and lucky sizes on Veronica Beard, Frank & Eileen, Marine Layer, Boss, Stuart Weitzman, Vince, and more… I’ll try to update here if I see any more great brands worth noting. Some of the specific deals:

(Pro tip: if you’ve been building your wishlist on Nordstrom, that’s a great place to start… sort by “percentage off.”)

Sales of note for 10/16 (ALSO, friendly PSA – check any NAS or Amazon Prime Day purchases for the return policies…)

  • Ann Taylor – 50% off + free shipping on everything!
  • Brooklinen – Friends & Family – 20% off sitewide and 50% off select bundles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off 3+ sale styles with code – includes lots of suiting, sweaters, and pants
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family, extra 15% off your purchase
  • M.M.LaFleur – October Sale Event, best prices of the season (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Nordstrom – 5840+ new markdowns for women, up to 40% off
  • Talbots – Friends and family, 30% off your entire purchase
  • Theory – End of season sale is on with extra savings (new prices are marked)

195 Comments

    1. Oh goodness, I haven’t done these for a few years. I just remember all shots were easier when a bit warm, even the refrigerated ones – like, hold it in your hand for a few minutes to warm it up after it’s out of the fridge and get the liquid moving.

      Then lots of ice cream or other indulgences because you did a really, really hard thing. Good luck to you.

    2. Agree about letting the med come to room temperature (I think this is one of the ones that can be stored at room temp so you’re likely good there). Since the trigger usually has to be very carefully timed, and if you’re feeling nervous, you might not want to be rushed prepping the injection. It’s okay to prep the injection and all your supplies several minutes in advance and leave them set out so they’re waiting for you at the right time.

      Purse your lips into an O and breathe out steadily and deliberately (kind of like blowing out a candle) while you insert the needle.

      I disagreed with the info from the package insert that said to insert the needle quickly (like a jab), I always found self-injections more tolerable when I inserted the needle slowly and deliberately. You probably know which will be better for you and either is okay.

      It’s also okay whether you want to lay down, sit, or stand — your body position doesn’t affect the effectiveness of the med.

      And totally agree about the ice cream or other indulgences to reward yourself for doing it! I found that my self-injections were far, *far* easier than I expected, and I hope the same proves true for you.

    3. I timed it to music so that I would push the needle in on the beat. It didn’t actually hurt much at all, just getting past the weirdness of self-inflicting!

      1. Yes, the weirdness of self-inflicting was something I wish I had got a little more coaching with! I inject a med six days a week, and once in a blue moon I still have a day when I say “inject!” and something else says “no!” and it takes me a few tries to make it happen.

        This is also strange, but I also felt weird handling scissors and knives for a while, like they were somehow a bigger threat to me or I was more likely to accidentally cut myself. Maybe that was just me and not a common experience though!

    4. I found it easier to lie down (although I also did standing when I had more to pinch), pinch a good chunk, and then inject.

  2. Anyone have a good online prescription eyeglasses store (other than Warby Parker and eyebuydirect) where you like the quality vs. value? have tried both and not loving my prior purchases.

      1. +1, I actually prefer my Zenni purchases to my Costco ones. I sometimes will order the frames I want to try on, send them back for credit, and then use the credit to buy the prescription eyeglasses I want.

    2. I tried Zenni and the lenses seemed kind of blurry and unsharp. I don’t like to wear these, so I rarely do.

      Same prescription, tried Eyeconic (through VSP), and they weren’t bad.

      Still same prescription, used at Costco. By far the best. YMMV.

  3. Haha, pair those pantaloons with the featured AM blouse and you’ve got yourself a Victorian pajama set.

  4. Hello! I asked for tv show recs yesterday and someone recommended Widow’s Bay. I’m a couple of episodes in and I love it! Perfect way to set the tone for October. Thought I’d ask you guys for similar shows to better enjoy the spooky season. I like the silent hill series as well. Thank you!

    1. Yay! That was me! So happy you are enjoying it!

      It’s an oldie and it went downhill after the first season, but you might like Twin Peaks.

    2. I loved the Castle Rock series. You don’t need to know Stephen King but the references here and there were a fun bonus if you do. More on the drama side.

    3. I started watching Widow’s Bay also… I am NOT good, at all, with scary visuals, so I have to cover my eyes a lot, but it’s so funny.

      Black Mirror? Dr. Who? there’s some old article out about “the only Dr. Who episodes you actually need to watch.” I got too freaked out after the Angels episode (and something with men in suits with boxes on their heads? Yes, I am a wimp.)

    4. If you haven’t seen it – Vigil.
      It’s a crime drama from a few years back, set on a submarine.

      1. Vigil is tense and has a definite autumnal feel, but doesn’t have jump scares or anything spooky. As someone who cannot handle scary media I really enjoyed it.

    6. Haunting of Hill House and Midnight Mass are both scary but interesting, and the amount of horror I can take. Both have really sad elements, but are just very interesting. Midnight Mass is the one I’d watch if you don’t want it to get too realistically sad. Neither are funny, but are such interesting character studies that they are both very gripping with phenomenal acting.

      Wake up dead man: A knives out mystery has a spooky tone too, and is very funny but tense.

  5. I have a couple of midi (long-ish, ankle?) satin skirts from last year. Are these still on-trend enough to wear this year? If you don’t care about being on-trend, just scroll on by ;)

    1. Following this. I bought a black one last and then never wore it. How would you wear it this year?

      I’m not so much worried about being on trend as I am about wearing an item that was trendy in the recent past.

    2. Midi skirts are still on very much trend. The “on trend” satin has shifted from the overly pleated, extra long cheer leading skirt to a more slip dress clean lines style. I’m seeing satin as part of a monochromatic matching-ish set – think two piece dress.

    3. I’m still seeing it on fashion influencers but with lace edges, which was also a few years ago. I’d say still current enough but I’d downgrade it to a dinner out v a party.

    4. Yes I think they are, paired with a contrasting texture top in a similar color/shade. I used to wear them with boots, but have switched to pointy-toed shoes, either stilettos or kitten heels.

  6. To the commenter on the Weekly News Update planning to wear her Cornell sweatshirt proudly and stare people down: I understand the impulse, but I really wouldn’t recommend doing that.

    a friend shared the pre-party texts with the boys saying things like “no fatties,” using racist epithets for Jane Doe and saying she’d be walking funny the next day. what lovely young men! the future of america.

    1. Missed that comment and I’m not going back to read it but that kind of ODD-type response is extremely obnoxious.

    2. I think it is fine to wear a Cornell sweatshirt if you want, and I think it’s weird to bring this boring of drama from the morning thread into the afternoon thread.

      1. Oh god, I read that comment, and I totally agree with her. So weird of you to take that reasonable comment and try to make some sort of secondary drama about it. Like, reply to her if you’re so concerned. Why are we subtweeting on a site with nested comments.

    3. Look, there’s a lot of nuance here that the current media frenzy is missing, and I think that was the commenter’s point. These men obviously acted completely inappropriately – dishonorably – reprehensibly – I can’t find a word strong enough to condemn how devoid of integrity their behavior was. My heart breaks for Jane Doe, first for what she went through, and second for what she’s going through now. I don’t know if she anticipated that this would take off in the news the way it has. I hope she has support helping her navigate all this attention. But I’m a sex crimes prosecutor too – and important caveat, I don’t have all the facts – but from what I know, this is not a clear-cut case to prove to a jury beyond a reasonable doubt. The scale is tilted against Jane Doe, all Jane Does, in the field of criminal prosecution, by design: we want to have a legal system that employs the highest evidentiary standard possible because taking someone’s liberty or life is a tremendous consequence; we want to begin with the premise of “innocent or proven guilty” to animate the principle that “it’s better that 10 guilty men go free than 1 innocent one be convicted” which we have decided as a society is a paramount value.
      Should it be that way? That’s a debate for a different day, I suppose. But this is the system we have here and now. And I read a CBS News article that published Jane Doe’s texts after the assault. In a case where Jane Doe immediately reassured one of the men afterwards that everything was legal and she had fun and wanted to do it again – and then began to come to terms with what had happened, based in part (in her telling) on reading/hearing what others in the school were saying about her and her experience – man, that’s a real uphill battle to convince 12 jurors that the event she’s talking about was rape “beyond any reasonable doubt.”
      But again – the conduct of these men (not boys) was deplorable. Disgusting. And they clearly took advantage of Jane Doe. These are easy questions for me. Are they guilty, legally, of rape? That’s harder.

      2. I’m not a prosecutor, so I can’t send anyone to prison for crimes. But ostracizing bad people and publicly shaming bad institutions is something society really doesn’t do enough of when it comes to this kind of thing, and that can change without a jury weighing in.

      3. Consenting to a threesome is not the same as consent to the next 5 guys who came in. These guys have a history of this. They were all over 4chan talking about it.

      4. You can’t consent if you are unconscious and it’s clear that she was unconscious at times and in and out of consciousness at other times – including them expressing texting about the fact that she was passed out while they were attacking her.

        These guys are super unlikely to see the inside of a jail cell because frat boys always get away with it. But I don’t need these guys criminally convicted to know that I never want them to be my kid’s pediatrician or soccer coach. I just hope they out the names of the other men on the group chat so we can avoid those dudes as well.

        1. The first two guys she consented to sleep with were also in and out of consciousness based on her original statement. Do you think she raped them? Because I don’t, but based on your comment, you must.

          1. So what do you propose… that someone be compus mentus to be convicted of a crime like rape? That takes out the deranged homeless heroin addict (or whatever) too.

          2. …yes? Duh? You need to have the ability to know right from wrong to be convicted of a violent crime, and rape is a violent crime.

            I’m very open to lawyers who are smarter than me creating the manslaughter or reckless homicide equivalents for rape. But rape itself requires intent, and someone who is in and out of consciousness cannot form that intent.

          3. There are many ways of accidentally killing someone, but are you seriously suggesting that people just accidentally SA people?

          4. I just cannot imagine caring if the person who SAd me was in their right mind or not. I thought research had already established that serial offenders typically don’t believe they were committing a crime at all? They’re the last people who know right from wrong. That’s part of what makes them unsafe.

            If you mean unclear consent, I don’t really see the parallel to manslaughter. (Isn’t it part of the whole current west coast AI orgy scandal that it’s set up to exclude safety and clear consent while also achieving deniability? Coming up with weird consent loopholes is a past time for some people.)

          6. > There are many ways of accidentally killing someone, but are you seriously suggesting that people just accidentally SA people?

            Eye roll. If you kill someone and it is truly an accident or even negligence, there is no criminal responsibility. At minimum, criminal responsibility for a death requires something like wanton disregard for the other person’s safety, or being a co-conspirator in a different felony crime that has a risk of resulting in death, like being a getaway driver for a bank robbery.

            If you are yourself completely incapacitated to the point of repeatedly losing consciousness, you are not capable of forming the mental state necessary to commit rape. You also are not capable of forming the mental state necessary to consent. Both things are true; one is just less pleasant to acknowledge.

            Of the people in that room at the start of the event by the woman’s testimony, she was the least incapacitated. There’s no evidence she was losing consciousness at the start of things. So of the people in that room at the start of the event, the other two, who were repeatedly vomiting and/or passing out, have more of a claim to being victims of rape at the start of the night than she does under the logic of the original comment. They couldn’t consent to her touch, so under the logic of the original comment, they are rape victims.

        2. Is there any more context to her statement that she was being hit pretty hard during it? Like mock bdsm or like assault? That one would be pretty clear if it’s the second.

          1. First degree murder requires specific intent. Sexual battery does not. I think it is possible for an intoxicated man who is messing around with a woman to fail to comprehend the lack of enthusiastic or explicit consent. This is what is hard about cases where both may be drunk and making out and the women just kind of allows it to happen. I discussed with my son the concept of consent and how alcohol can impair judgment. That said, no amount of alcohol any one of the frat boys negates their culpability here.

    4. I don’t believe that poster was either a prosecutor or a Cornell grad. It was such a bad and incoherent take. Ignore.

      1. It was a perfectly fine and coherent comment. You can disagree with it, of course, but it was far from incoherent.

        1. It is incoherent because it is internally inconsistent even ignoring that the poster seems only to have read the headlines or social media.

          You can’t both say ” No one know WTF happened here. ” and ” From what I have read, even if there is a prosecution there seems to be TONS of reasonable doubt.” If you don’t know what happened, you don’t know if there is reasonable doubt, which is why you investigate. The poster doesn’t even have basic internal consistency. They are just mad that they can’t seem important because they went to a second rate Ivy school.

          1. Well, I guess it was incomprehensible to you, because you don’t seem to have comprehended it.

            Investigating consent is basically impossible when the person whose consent matters (for purposes of the charges) does not remember whether she consented or not and offers inconsistent statements (either to the police or others). You, at minimum, need a victim who knows WTF happened and is reasonably consistent in her narrative (or a videotape or corroborating witness, etc.), and you don’t have one. (It also isn’t clear to me based on her statement that the original two men were capable of consenting, either).

            Morally reprehensible, sure. But we don’t file criminal charges unless we can establish certain facts, and I don’t see how you can establish them here.

          2. Surely many crime victims struggle to remember things and offer inconsistent statements. Isn’t that unsurprising if they were drugged or suffered a head injury?

          3. Duh. But It is exceptionally rare for a defendant to be able to say “I thought she had consented to me stabbing her!” And even then, assuming the defendant is credible, that’s probably going to be charged differently (as manslaughter, not murder) because the mens rea necessary for murder is not present.

            Rape is different because the underlying act is more often than not consensual, so you need some sort of evidence to suggest it isn’t. And that evidence can be, like, these people didn’t know each other and he clubbed her over the head and dragged her into the bushes, or it can be the testimony of the victim. But when the victim has also said that it was consensual, that’s a problem. And then you also need evidence to suggest intent, and the evidence here doesn’t suggest that at least two of the men were capable of forming that intent.

      1. You went to an Ivy, and you’re stupid enough to think there aren’t at least seven men on every college campus who would do this given the chance? At best, this is performative.

          1. Than this sort of weird knee jerk reaction when you don’t even have a kid applying to college? Agree.

          2. It’s completely fine for people to send the messages to ALL universities that keeping things quiet can be risky, because it looks even worse if it comes out later on. Boycotts are fine. Public criticism is fine. “Being performative” is actually completely fine in this case!

          3. Okay, so you’re just not going to let your daughter choose a college because of how they handled a rape 2-3 years ago? Idk, seems like a weird criterion that is probably going to rule out a bunch of schools for her! Like, all of them.

          4. Many people chose against UNC-CH after the depth of their scandal was exposed too.

            I think it’s weird that you’re acting like the universities aren’t worried at all about their PR.

          5. yeah, I work in higher ed comms. Trust me, they’re in crisis mode. They’re certainly not the only institution something like this has happened to, but to pretend like there’s been no blowback from faculty, staff, students and alumni is very naive. They’ve paused all fundraising emails to alumni, per CNN.

          6. I don’t doubt they’re in crisis mode. I think virtue signaling about how you won’t let your, what, sophomore? Apply to a school over this is weird and lame and “look at me!”

          7. What do you think the crisis mode is about if not the reactions of parents, alumni, future students, donors, etc.? The more people “virtue signal” the bigger a PR crisis they’re in, right?

          8. I think it’s about responding to CURRENT students/parents/applicants/the media, not someone whose kid is years away from even applying and doesn’t have the grade/test info to know if Cornell is a school she should even be applying to in the first place.

          9. The idea that universities don’t care about high school students years out from applying (despite their incomplete transcripts) is just completely out of touch.

          10. Not really the point of this thread, but by 9th grade or so you have a sense of kid’s grades and test scores. Of course getting into any one school is a bit of a crapshoot (less so as a legacy though) but if your kid are the type who will be aiming for Ivies you often know that years before they actually apply. Some kids who weren’t great students in middle and early high school mature, get excellent grades junior and senior year and end up at good colleges, but it’s rare that you go lower than your early high school performance would suggest.

          11. Idk, man, I got raped winter break of my sophomore year of high school and my grades tanked.

            What an ironic thought to put in this thread, that most girls go through high school as their early high school grades would suggest, with no acknowledgement that life might smack them around and interfere with their GPA.

          12. I am sorry that happened to you. People are planning on what they are working towards and know whether they’re on track or not. That doesn’t mean that they might get thrown off track. Universities invest resources into courting promising younger high school students; they absolutely do care what their plans are, even if some of them won’t maintain the necessary GPAs.

        2. I don’t think the men are unique to Cornell but I think Cornell’s handling of the case was uniquely bad.

          More broadly than Cornell, I’m going to strongly encourage my daughter to look at schools that don’t have frats. They’re clearly a net negative at this point. It’s not just SA of women, it’s also the hazing of pledges, etc. And I say that as someone who dated frat guys and did the whole “rush girl” thing in college, so it was a big part of my college experience. But their time has come and gone.

          1. What, specifically, do you think Cornell got wrong here? I don’t think the details of their process have been made public, other than that two students were expelled. I am aware there are rumors, but I have not seen any credible reporting sustaining those rumors.

          2. The University expelled two students, the greatest punishment possible. We do not know why the other five were only suspended. We really don’t know much about how the University handled the Title IX investigation.

        3. What are the sexual assault statistics for women’s colleges? I know gender doesn’t matter, but I’d like to know.

          2. That chromosome statement is needlessly provocative. I’m pretty moderate on tr-ns rights but the overwhelming majority (by some estimates, over 99%) of people committing SA are cis men.

            To the original point, I’m sure rates of SA on campus are significantly lower at women’s colleges but given that many students party off-campus at bars or co-ed colleges I would guess that plenty of students have still experienced SA.

          3. It’s not provocative; it’s just true. There is no such thing as a college for biological women anymore.

        4. This isn’t like sending thoughts and prayers after a school sh00ting but doing nothing to change gun laws.

          Colleges depend on donors, applicants, etc. “Performative” actions can get colleges’ attention and cause them to change course

          2. Do you really think colleges are only worried about their reputation among potential applicants for the next year???

            A dip in applications for several years sends a powerful message not just to Cornell but to other schools, too!

          3. I think they do a disservice to all the women who will be raped over the next two years on all the other college campuses in America by getting worked up over just this one. Why do you care about this woman’s rape, and not everyone else’s?

          4. How on earth does exerting pressure on a university to do better with SA do a disservice to anyone else who may be SA? Should we not be outraged about one murder because we don’t hear about all of them? All my friends who have been SAd have a lot of emotions about this whole situation but none of them are upset that this case is getting attention. What a weird statement

          6. I’m sorry for saying what a weird statement but I genuinely think it’s a weird statement. How about responding to the rest of my comment?

      2. I don’t think this is virtue signaling. At all. Having serious concerns about how the university handled s*xual assault and voting with one’s feet is in no way virtuous. It’s more like the simple capitalism that everyone who complains about virtue signaling always seems to unequivocally support.

        Personally I’d never let my kids near penn state. Their entire culture is cruel and disgusting and viscerally unacceptable to me. It’s not virtue signaling to say hey let’s spend our time and money around people who don’t think child r@pe is fine if the football team wins.

        1. But what did the school do wrong here. Specifically. Based on actual credible reporting, not rumor.

          1. I think failing to refund the young woman’s tuition when she wanted to withdraw was pretty awful. Honestly if they’d done that it’s unlikely this wouldn’t have made news.

            Their choice of how to refer to the police was also suspect but we will see what the investigation says.

          2. That’s a totally fair take. I agree they should’ve made a different choice there (and I wonder whether their in house counsel signed off on that).

          3. Cornell failed to file a complaint with bar when the DA refused to accept addition evidence from the campus police to review.

            I hope the DA gets disbarred over this. Scum.

            Cornell also did not find out the identities of the other 50 scum bags on the chat and suspend them from all alumni events and activities.

          4. People in the chat? So punishing association?

            Why would you think a college is obligated to seek bar discipline against an elected DA?

          5. The Chi Phi chapter should have been disbanded immediately and they should have done a thorough investigation to see how Greek life needs to be overhauled and whether it even belongs on campus at all. It seems from the president’s statement today that they’re finally going to do that now, but it’s way too late.

          6. Why on earth couldn’t the university have punished all the men in the group chat? They’re not a court of law and students don’t need to have committed crimes to be disciplined by the school. Universities punish students all the time for behavior that is far less morally repugnant, e.g., using AI to help with homework.

          7. Because I don’t believe in witch hunts and you seem perfectly fine with them.

            Punishing people because they were on a gross (but not yet deemed illegal) group messaging system is severe overreach. The average non-crazy person would not support that.

          8. Punishing people for things that are gross but not illegal is normal and necessary. No one wants to live somewhere where all bad behavior is illegal, or where all behavior that is legal is AOK and carries no consequences. I don’t know if we have a frat boy mommy commenting or what.

          9. You have dumb ideas about punishment. College punishing gross chats crosses a line —it isn’t tied to academics. What’s next? Do they get to demand access to your phone if someone claims you were talking sHi t about them? I don’t need to be a frat boy mommy, and I am not, (you luna- tic) to understand that this is madness. People are allowed to be gross.

          10. Attending a university and earning a degree is a privilege, not a right. Students agree to all kinds of behavioral expectations beyond staying on the right side of the law, which is good. Bullying and harassment are detrimental to the community. Adult professionals who have a HR department looking out for them shouldn’t pretend to be so naive. You sound like you know absolutely nothing about campus life (i.e. have you even heard of Yik Yak?).

          11. How is yik yak remotely relevant? You seem cool on trying to control people and censoring every single transgression. Remember Dolores Umbridge was actually the bad guy, not a person you should encourage university leadership to emulate. Where there are real crimes, they should be investigated. But I don’t want to live in whatever world you are advocating for at the university level. Students are still adults and have rights that the university does not get to police.

          13. Title IX compliance isn’t some weird fringe religious concept.

            College was never supposed to be a behavioral free for all. There are higher standards than “stay out of jail” for all kinds of professions and career paths.

          14. It is such a bad idea to stigmatize as religious conservatism the expectation that people seeking positions of power and responsibility meet some minimum standards of character and judgment. Looking the other way isn’t a character trait we want to select for in so, so many roles.

          15. I actually disagree with you that we need our people in positions of power to meet some arbitrary standard of character. Who draws that line and what does it include? I know plenty of people who would be perfectly content to have that system disqualify divorcees, people who have a child out of wedlock, having ever had to declare bankruptcy, whatever their credit score might be today. Our current president notwithstanding, I don’t actually care about a persons character based on anyone else’s litmus test—which essentially makes the concept meaningless.

          16. Being a gross frat boy isn’t a protected class. Much like any employer could refuse to hire (or fire) these men for their involvement (whether active participants or just being on the group chat and doing nothing), a university could do the same.

          17. I agree that colleges should have higher standards and kick out people who commit crimes, which includes anyone who takes ketamine recreationally.

          18. College students know full well what kind of choices can hurt their odds with admissions. It’s mollycoddling (nannying, even?) to just totally drop all those behavioral standards once they’re admitted.

            Not all standards of character are arbitrary; that is a lazy straw man. I know that you do not actually want the people you hire and rely on to be people who cut corners, lie, cover things up, and try to get away with as much as they can if no one stops them. You don’t ever want to need help from someone who harbors categorical animosity towards people who meet your description, or who sees your vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of you.

          19. No one here is saying that academic dishonesty should not result it discipline. It obviously should. But kicking out 50 students for merely being on a group chat, when you don’t even have evidence they all saw the text contemporaneously, let alone comprehended it, is insane. Just absolutely insane.

            I’m younger than most people here, and I can tell you I was on at least 5-10 group chats that were really really active each year in college. Clubs, freshman dorm mates, sports team, friend circle… everyone loves a group chat. No one I know reads every message in every group chat they’re on, especially on weekend nights when you’re hopefully not staring at your phone all night.

            So: insane to kick people out for merely receiving the message.

          20. No one advocated for kicking people out who hadn’t even read a message. I don’t know why you think this would go down any differently if there were an equally inappropriate conversation on your office Slack channel or on an email chain.

          21. I missed where these were university owned/maintained communications platforms (eye roll)

          22. Ah yes, you are totally right, if this were a group of coworkers texting on their personal cell phones not maintained by the company they worked for, the company would totally be out of line firing them? See how ridiculous that sounds?

          23. There is no way that harassment happening on personal cell phones would not become an HR issue at a company, and you know it.

          24. No, someone being on a private group chat with dozens of people where they otherwise did not participate in the gross commenting would not get some one fired. Thankfully. You seem to think thought crimes extend to this level of nothingness.

          25. “Consequences for everyone actively participating in the group chat” simply isn’t the same as “fire/expel everyone passively a member of the group chat.”

            The only difference “private” chat makes is whether someone is caught or not.

          26. I remember seeing the Kristen Volpe story and wondering just what on earth was she thinking (to say such a thing, and on what app, and on what connection). Maybe she just felt it was her right!

          27. I have personally witnessed people getting fired for having awareness of something that they didn’t report even though they didn’t participate in. The behavior in question was not illegal or a violation of any ethical rules but involved incredibly poor judgment and lack of character. That was enough for the employer to fire the two active offenders and three people who were involved. This was long enough ago that black berry messenger was how everyone got caught so this isn’t a new phenomenon. Also I don’t think anyone is suggesting that those on the snap chat should all be expelled more that it seems like Cornell didn’t even bother to investigate them. Reflection essays and training would have been an appropriate punishment even if they were just on the chain IMO.

          28. Some of you guys didn’t even bother to read the full chain, because someone literally asked why all of them couldn’t be expelled:

            “ Why on earth couldn’t the university have punished *all* the men in the group chat? They’re not a court of law and students don’t need to have committed crimes to be disciplined by the school.”

            That’s a horrific take. Really dumb.

          29. The post you quoted mentioned punishment not expulsion FYI. There are other actions a university can take to punish students that doesn’t involve expelling them. As evidenced by Cornell punishing 5 of the 7 men actively involved in a manner that didn’t involve expulsion.

          30. Sure, replace the word expelled in my comment with punished. All 50 men should not have been punished for simply receiving the texts. The original quote is still an abhorrent take.

          31. you think a punishment of mandated training, being told to not contact the woman and writing an essay is abhorrant for those on the text chain? You would not be my bathroom buddy at a party.

          32. I think two of those three things are meaningless make work things that make administrators feel like they’re doing something and have absolute zero real world impact on behavior. The third is not really a punishment.

            If you think meaningless make work is a valuable punishment when punishment is actually justified, then I don’t want to be your buddy, either.

            Punish the people who deserve it. Don’t punish the people who don’t. Use punishments that actually do and mean something; don’t do things that will have no impact on anyone.

          1. Yeah, and that was obviously worse because the institution actually was directly involved in covering up the abuse, which happened over a long period, not just once (and involved children). But it also was, what, twenty years ago now?

        3. Replace the word expelled in my comment with punished. The original quote is still an abhorrent take.

    1. No idea what specifically you are referring to, but pretty sure all he wants is attention.

      1. It was really amazing to read Spare and come out of it realizing he had the attention span and empathy of a toddler who is unable to recognize other people have their own perspective, thoughts, and emotions.

        It’s made Harry’s nonsensical decisions in the last few years make sense to me – all of his choices seem like they are made without any forethought because he is incapable of seeing more than 5 feet in front of him. I do at this point hope that his children are not very affected by instability (though at the very least we can be sure it will be a more stable childhood than Harry himself experienced).

      2. I find it funny that they are incapable of not responding to each and every story. Also, who creates ann advent calendar celebrating their own house? These two are something else.

    2. This is the opposite. Streisand did not want publicity. Harry is trying stir up attention on himself to prove he needs security. Reprehensible.

  8. But I will revisit a morning item: you can’t go to a foreign mother ship to buy a spendy bag in person, do you just order or go to a Nordstrom or NM and browse or get fussed over in person? IDK if one way is better but I have the department stores in my city and everything else is by mail.

    1. I have done all of the above! Always fun to bring home a trinket from a trip this way (but not really a cost saving). Stand alone designer stores are great because the salesperson usually knows their product well and you can see all the options (and have it packaged up very nicely). Ordering from the designer website is also good in my experience. Department store is great for looking at multiple options from different designers at one time and they can sometimes order things from other stores. Sometimes they will have nice packaging but will most likely be department store branded. Ordering online from a department store is usually a miss as far as how things are packaged- 1k+ item just tossed in a box.

    2. If you go to a very fancy department store they will fuss over you pretty nicely. That’s what I’d do.

      1. This. Plus, you always want to see the bag in person, if possible, to judge how heavy it is and how your phone and life will fit into it.

        1. And that bag can’t get stolen off your porch (unless you get really drunk one night).

  9. Looking for warm pajamas for travel but that are lightweight due to luggage restrictions. Prefer button down top and petite length if possible. Is this just normal fleece, or are there some magical “thermal” pjs out there? Will be in a colder later-fall climate and I get cold at night.

    2. A baselayer (essentially merino tights+undershirt) might work (standalone or with normal pjs). I am assuming these are going in your suitcase; if you’re planning to wear them on a plane, I need at least shorts over any wool leggings I’ve tried.

      Are you comfortable enough sleeping in a down jacket and/or with a hat? Those are major warmth for weight improvements as well

  10. Random q. Why are college degrees and law school (maybe all graduate?) such different sizes. I got both framed at graduation and have no idea what to do with them. I could hang them in my office but I feel like it would look much better if I could stack them on the wall?

    I also don’t love the idea of hanging them but what else do people do?

    1. Nothing, I took mine out of the frames and keep them with other important documents in a file folder.

        1. lol, same here! My one exception is a gallery wall in a basement room or private staircase. Never decorate with these things.

      2. Oh, wow. Your institution did you a favor. Mine are poster sized (and reside in poster canisters).

    2. I waited until I had my undergrad, law, and bar certificate, and then played around with different size mats and complementary frames at the frame shop so they would look intentional together when hung. They live at work on a wall that’s behind visitors’ backs when they sit. If I go fully remote, they will probably get wrapped in an old towel and stored behind my desk or something.

    4. My college diploma is long lost. I had my law school diploma hanging in my office at work but now I think it’s in the garage somewhere…

  11. If I need to get some PDFs cleaned up, what is the best way to do this? Is there someplace like Shutterfly that gently photoshops older memorabilia items with some time-damage?

  12. Why are women always expected to ‘be the bigger person?’

    For some context my BFF of 40 years is taking care of her elderly father, the man who beat her, routinely left her without food so he could spend money on his mistresses and alcohol, provided absolutely no support for post secondary education, kicked her out at 17 when she finished highschool etc. The man is rotten and deserves to decay in a nursing home but my friend is being the bigger person and taking care of him, she’s given him more love and labor in the past 3 months than he provided her in her entire childhood. I’m just so sad for her and jealous men get to be so wretched and face no consequences.

    1. Everyone is expected to be the bigger person, full stop. That is how humanity functions best. We each are responsible for the choices we make and can live with. It is not a gendered thing.

      Good for her for making choices that feel right for her in an impossible situation. I’m sure she is in the best position to determine how she wants to handle this, and I’m also sure that her decisions are not made lightly.

      It is remarkably bad friendship to trash your friend’s choices online, even anonymously, just because you would make different ones, especially in such a complex and emotionally delicate situation.

    2. Because she cares about her impact on the world and her eternal soul. To quote another commenter, D’uh.

      1. My friend most certainly does not believe in mythical dieties or souls. No make believe

        1. Okay, well, whatever she believes in is serving her better than whatever you believe in.

      2. FYI we don’t say “duh” anymore because it mocks the sounds some disabled people make.

        5. I’m old enough to remember when people accompanied “duh” by hitting their curled hand on their chest to better imitate the disabled people they were mimicking.

    3. ….have you asked her why she’s doing this? Is it because someone else expects her to?
      Other possibilities: she’s forgiven him for his abuse. There’s inheritance money in the offing. She’s setting an example for younger generations. There’s no space in the nearest nursing home, or said home is so awful she wouldn’t wish it on anybody. She enjoys seeing him vulnerable. He has hidden heirloom jewelry somewhere in his house, and she uses his nap times to search for it….

    4. Have you asked her WHY she’s doing this? Because it’s person specific – not every woman would do what she’s doing in this instance.

      1. I have asked her! She wants to be the bigger person. She does not like doing it nor does she forgive her father. TBH I think a lot of it is her monumentally bad therapist who encourages her to be a doormat.

        1. Then let her. This is none of your business. I don’t like giving money to homeless people, but I do it anyway because “but for the grace of God go I.”

          You never know when you might need grace.

          1. It feels like my business because she complains to me CONSTANTLY. I hear about this every single day whether its via text or while we’re hanging out.

          2. To the OP, you still let her do this but stop letting her vent to you about it. You can’t control your actions, but you can set a boundary that you aren’t willing to listen to it. Every time she brings it up, remind her that you’ve already shared your feelings on the subject and aren’t willing to listen to her complain about it and then change the topic. She’s allowed to make choices that you disagree with but you’re also allowed to cut off the conversation.

          3. You can let her know that she’s venting more than you can handle. She can save it for the therapist.

            I would also feel frustrated if she won’t just own her choice but keeps complaining as if it weren’t a choice she were actively making. But I also know that caregiving can extremely difficult and is the kind of thing we want support with even when the parent was a saint.

        2. You are just an awful friend. I feel so sad for her that she confided in you and you (1) judge her like this and (2) can’t even keep the judging in your own brain where it belongs. I hope she has some actual friends in her life who accept her and her choices, and, at minimum, don’t call her a “doormat” behind her back.

          1. Such an awful friend! The only person to stick around for 40 years, rescue her from abuse the first time by spending thousands of dollars and endangering myself. At least her father can’t physically abuse her anymore, only emotionally.

          2. Thank god you’re there to be kind to her face and talk trash about her online behind her back. Two faced friends are the best friends.

      2. no no no, u don’t understand, all women good all men bad except this woman stupid because she trying 2 b good even tho dying man was bad decades ago

    5. It may be hard for you to believe, but for some people this gives them a sense of closure. Her life has clearly been completely different than yours (you are lucky…), she has a different personality, and she is dealing with it her way. Thank goodness, with a therapist, you mentioned.

      She is venting to you. Your role is not to tell her to stop, if you are a good friend, or tell her “the right answer”. You just listen and support her. You encourage her to keep talking with her therapist about it.

      But ouch, your judgement and venting really rubs me wrong. It is so easy when we are outside of a hard life to see the “right” answer, but you actually will never be able to relate to what what she is going through.

    6. You are getting panned here unfairly, I think. I am sort of in your friend’s shoes and I question myself daily. Initially I think I started helping because doing some small things and throwing money at a few things was easier than bearing the annoyance and guilt that was being placed on me by others (I.e., friends, medical professionals, social workers reaching out). Now I am faced with some more substantial assistance and I guess I just can’t seem to get comfortable with saying “to hell with him,” knowing the consequence of that is a lot of suffering for someone who was just pretty deeply flawed but not of evil intent (I was more abandoned than abused) and knowing that someone is going to take up this labor and feeling guilty about placing that weight on someone even more disconnected. I am going to leave this situation even more resentful than when I walked in, though, and I do worry about what the consequences of that are going to be. And I am worried I am not drawing lines where I need to to ensure I don’t go down with this ship. My work is already suffering.

      1. I would let go of the guilt about placing the labor on someone more disconnected. If there’s any help available, please max it out! I’m seeing far too many people my age burning out on caregiving when they might have lasted longer if they shared the burden sooner.

    7. Sometimes it is about making the choices that you can live with, not the choices that the other person deserves.

  13. Please recommend.a good night cream for rosacea? (Bonus if it isn’t $90 per bottle.)

    2. Aveeno Calm and Restore Redness Relief Moisturizing Cream. I use it as a day cream too. Get it on sale at Walgreens!

  14. I’m not sure what my question is, I think I just want reflections.

    I’m a high achieving person but not like CRAZY high. I like to have some balance in my life. I work in the public sector so I don’t have the income level sometimes discussed here, but I do fine and think I’m compensated well for what I do.

    For most of my career I have not been in staff management roles. I am very nice and perfectly fine with people, but I just have gravitated towards the individual contributor route – to a very high level though.

    A year ago I took on a temporary senior management role. It is C suite, I lead a unit of 160 people. It’s temporary pending a restructure, after the restructure the job I am doing won’t exist and I’ll need to find a new one.

    The thing is, I don’t like this current role I’m doing and I can’t figure out if it’s because of the role itself or the context around it.

    Things I like about the role: the status. I like being The Boss. I can admit that to this group! I also mostly like being the final decision maker on things. Mostly the specific “things” suck to be fair – the easy things get resolved a few layers underneath me. But I still like being the one who ultimately has to sort them. There are probably other things I like, just can’t think of them now.

    Things I don’t like: there’s no real ability for me to set strategy or anything right now, due to context. I like my direct reports but I can’t move anyone in our out of the team so it doesn’t feel like I have much control.

    It’s also just too much work. I’m too busy. I’m not working 12 hour days or anything, but I am a good measure busier than I was in my old job and it’s just too much. A key piece of context is that I am a solo parent, there is no dad in the picture. My girls are 9 and 13 and while they are getting more self sufficient, they obviously still need significant parenting input. I don’t have family support for childcare, I use college students for school pickup and activities etc. I’m coping but just not really enjoying it. I feel like I’m always running from thing to thing and can never do anything extra, like if there is a special school event one day… I’m just not going to that. I want to occasionally go to the school events, you know? I don’t want to totally abandon my career or anything, I like work and get a lot of joy from it, but this is too much.

    I’ve sort of answered my own question here I guess – to the extent there was a question in there – but I’d love to hear any reflections or similar stories.

    I live in Melbourne so I hope I’m posting this at a time when people might reply, I feel like I often get this wrong!

    1. Try again tomorrow. I feel like your post got stuck. My two cents—it sounds like this is temporary and you are leaning in. I’d take time to figure out what’s next and use your current time to position yourself for that. It stinks that you can’t make time for school events—but that doesn’t in any way make you a bad parent (and I didn’t get the impression you were worried about that—just wanted to put it out there!) you are clearly rocking “making it work” and this isn’t forever.

      I’m also in a public position and have no control over who stays or goes among my direct reports. It just is what it is. Luckily, like you, I like them too.

      1. Thank you, i actually am worried about being a bad mother! Since it’s just me alone I am a weird mix of overcompensating and also not having enough bandwidth to be consistently “good”.

        I might try later too, good advice :)

    2. Do you want to keep working in the public service? Do you want to I keep living in Melbourne? There are certainly easier and better paying options in industry or other cities.

      Somewhat related, there was technical public service job in your country I was encouraged to apply for since I currently occupy it for another Commonwealth. The pay was 40% less! I was absolutely shocked to see the pay scales, I don’t know how you afford to live.

      1. Those are good points, I am genuinely just fine financially and while being richer would be nice, I can’t think of many genuine life improvements I’d get if I were richer. Maybe nicer holidays? My pay is not completely amazing but it’s fine.

        I don’t want to move, I grew up here and my family is here. They don’t help me much with childcare but I do like them a lot.

  15. I am looking for recommendations on where to take my children skiing over the Christmas break that’s close to Burlington VT.

    I’m a single mom with 3 kids ages 10-15. One of my children is sick so I need to stay near Burlington for the hospital, if needed. Said child is determined to ski. The other two are nervous but excited to try.

    None of my kids can ski. I can but I need to be focused on supporting the sick child. I plan to rent their skis and boots locally.

    Thank you in advance!

    1. How far of a driving radius from Burlington are you comfortable with, are you planning on lessons for the kids / need a hill that specializes in ADA friendly lessons?

      1. I’d like to be no longer than an hours drive from Burlington. Ideally less because if something goes wrong, I expect it will be me driving slowly in a blizzard!

        I am planning on lessons for all 3 children and renting boots & skis. I’m on my own with the three children so while private lessons are an option, I’d prefer the private lessons are used to help them participate in the regular 3 hour class. They are level one autistic. The sick child is autistic. I’d like the third child to go in a regular half day class.

    2. How close do you need to be? Stowe is great skiing– some of the best on the east coast, and has ski school– but about 45m from Burlington. The resort there is lovely.

    3. No advice, but as a single mom caregiver I think it is fabulous you are doing this for your kids. I hope you all have a great time, and that things go smoothly. Good luck.

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