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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 116 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Belle Vivier Patent Leather Pumps

Coffee Break

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These patent leather pumps have a great vintage vibe — if someone found them in her grandmother's closet, perfectly preserved, you would be totally jealous. But no, they're from Roger Vivier (and they're sporting the iconic buckle), and they're available at Net-a-Porter for $695. Note that the heels are angled slightly inward — it's a bit hard to tell from the images online. Sizes are 34–41 and are selling out, so don't wait too long if these catch your eye. Belle Vivier Patent Leather Pumps If you're a fan of buckles as the focal point of a shoe but want something more affordable, try these options from Trotters and Naturalizer. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Pumping & Court

    I’ve got a trial coming up where I’ll be observing but am not a party to this specific case. I also have a 3.5 month old and have been pumping 3x/day. When I called the court to ask about accommodations they said I could use the attorney lounge that’s a large meeting room area several floors and a trip through security away from the courtroom, but does have a mini fridge.

    What have your experiences been pumping in court? Any tips or advice? I’m thinking I may need to pump in the bathroom during short breaks and the lounge or my car during lunch?

    Anyone have any horror stories about bringing pumping equipment through courthouse security? I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed but I am slightly dreading a security guard questioning the pump or saying my pumped milk is a liquid that can’t be brought into court.

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      It’s called formula. Every grocery store in America carries it. Maybe look into that. I’m sure you won’t but I’d stay away from pumping in the lounge, no one needs to see that and the lounge isn’t for your exclusive use.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, how about supporting a mother who has chosen to breastfeed instead of being snotty about it?

      • Anon

        This is office a troll comment, no woman worth her salt, or who understands the realities of breastfeeding (engorgement, pain, etc.) would say this.

        If it’s too difficult to get a safe fridge storage, keep ice pack lunch kit, hand express to release pressure as needed, or pump and dump in the bathroom, making sure to carefully sanitize prior to use outside a bathroom.

    • Anonymous

      You can do this! try posting on the Moms site as well tomorrow – lots of experienced moms over there.

      I’d suggest keeping a hand pump in your purse so that you can use it quickly and easily in the bathroom if you get a short break and need to pump for relief. store it in a large ziploc, empty milk into a bottle. Milk is good for up to 6 hours at room temperature so don’t stress if you can’t get it into a fridge until lunchbreak.

      I would be most comfortable pumping in my car but that’s because I’d be able to put on music and relax vs. being in a strange space. Don’t feel shy about occupying the attorney lounge space if you need too. You’re an attorney too. Remember that pumping is just as much a valid need as using the washroom. When you have to go, you have to go.

      Finally, don’t stress too much if your supply drops during the trial. You can work on getting it to rebound later. Take care of yourself.

    • Anonymous

      I work in a federal courthouse, and security does not care about liquids – only laptops in bags and metal on bodies. So, I think you’re unlikely to have to deal with that aspect during security in case that is helpful. I’m sorry that they only have one room! We have smaller conference rooms that we give you, but it was recently pointed out to me that not a lot of courthouses think of this. If it’s a bench trial, maybe you could ask if you could use the jury room? Or another judge’s jury room?

      • BankrAtty

        I also work in a federal courthouse, and the public is prohibited from bringing in liquids or food.

    • TK

      You can do this! I appeared at lots of hearings in federal courtrooms during the period of my life when I was pumping. Security was no big deal – a few guards blushed, but no one ever hassled me.

      Tips:

      – Buy a car adapter and pump in the car on your way in to work. (Wear a nursing cover. Put a towel on your lap.) This leaves you with several hours before you’ll need to pump again.
      – I typically used bathroom stalls for pumping – try to find one on a floor that doesn’t get a lot of foot traffic.
      – B milk will keep for a few hours, I kept a cooler with ice packs in the car. you can run bottles out at lunch time.
      – Bring a change of clothes in case of spillage.
      – Carry around a rubber door stop in case you can’t find a bathroom and need to use an office or conference room and need extra security against someone barging in.
      – Buy extra pumping parts so you don’t have to sanitize your sole set of parts throughout the day.

    • Anonymous

      I pumped during two out of town trials that were each a week long. My baby was older and the court day was only 9-4:30 so I pumped immediately before court and immediately after and once during the lunch break. I was very open about it simply told the court room deputy that I needed a private place to pump with a plug and they found me an empty conference room to do it in.

  2. Horse Crazy

    I found out last night that my alcoholic father has started drinking again – he has been on and off sober for the last 8ish years. I’m struggling with how to handle it. I usually call him in the mornings on my drive to work (he has depression as well and he’s told me in the past that it helps if I talk to him pretty much every morning), but I didn’t call him this morning because I’m upset, and I didn’t know what to say. Last night I told him that I was sad, and that I just wanted him to be healthy, and he pretty much didn’t say anything. I feel super guilty for not calling him, but I also don’t want to talk to him right now…ughhh. Any advice/commiseration?

    • Anonymous

      Hugs. My BFF is in a similar situation and I wish I could help you both more! It’s not selfish to take a day “off” to take care of you, so I hope you can leave the guilt from today behind. Your oxygen mask first.

    • anon

      I can’t imagine how hard this is. Please remember that you’re not responsible for your father. You can not fix him and his sobriety can not rest on his shoulders. You can support him but your job is to hold his hand while you walk together, not pull him along.

      • Horse Crazy

        Thank you – that last sentence is such a good sentiment. I’m stealing it!

      • Anonynonynony

        Don’t know if you’ll see this, but as someone who is struggling with an alcoholic family member’s struggles with sobriety…this is a really, really great piece of advice and I just saved it to my computer to remind myself of later.

    • Anon

      Can’t recommend Al Anon meetings highly enough in this situation. If you need to take a break from communicating with him, that is 100% okay. I have an alcoholic parent and Al Anon taught me everything I know about boundaries. Hugs to you.

      • Horse Crazy

        Thank you so much – I really appreciate it. I just started looking at meetings in my area.

  3. Anonymous

    My mother-in-law just passed away. My husband is worried that his dad will start smoking again from the stress of suddenly losing his wife. What can we say/do to encourage him not to smoke? He quit about 3 years ago but had smoked for most of his adult life before that. FIL travels for work 4 days/week so we will not be around him except on the weekends.

    • Anonymous

      Dear god you don’t. His wife just died. Leave him alone with the nagging. He knows.

      • Anonymous

        This. If he restarts and later expresses an interest in quitting, then you help him locate resources/support him.

        You can say no smoking in your house (if he starts) but other than that. Leave it.

      • OP

        Well my husband just lost his mother at 30 and is terrified of losing his father early too. I wasn’t asking about nagging and that was a really insensitive comment. I grew up with this family and care about them deeply. I just wanted to know if there were any tips to support him.

        • Anon

          You are absolutely asking about nagging. Just don’t do it. NOTHING you can do can make a person change if they don’t want to.

          • OP

            Did you really have to say that I was nagging again? Honestly, it’s just really mean and unnecessary. My FIL has openly expressed that he’s having cravings for cigarettes and does not want to start smoking again. Supporting a loved one in this way doesn’t have to be nagging.

            Now I am not going to engage this particular topic any more because frankly I am currently in tears in my office. I lost someone this week who has been a big part of my life for 16 years and I just can’t with the cut downs.

          • Anonymous

            People can only respond based on what you tell them. There was nothing like “My FIL has openly expressed that he’s having cravings for cigarettes and does not want to start smoking again. Supporting a loved one in this way doesn’t have to be nagging.” in your original post.

    • Anon 4 this

      I don’t mean to be harsh, but there is simply nothing you can do. Just support him and love him through this difficult time for him. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer, had a lung removed and still went back to smoking. There is nothing someone who is not the person can say or do to make the person quit smoking or stay quit smoking.

      If you think he would like to stay quit there are newer medications that might help him to his goal and you could research those. But ultimately he has to want to do it.

    • Anon

      Omg, people on this board are so effing cruel. It’s not nagging to be supportive and helpful when someone who has quit smoking has expressed that they don’t want to start up again after a death. Are you so hardhearted that you have to accuse his daughter-in-law of being a nagging old witch multiple times when she’s trying to help? I can’t even.

      • Anonymous

        Where in her original post did she say that he didn’t want to start again? People can only respond to the info an OP provides. She wrote LATER that he expressed views on not wanting to start again.

        • Anon

          Yes, this is happening frequently lately. A poster will ask a question providing very little context or detail and then attack the advice based on very detailed information that was not included in the original post. Sometimes people have given very good advice based on what the original comment and the OP has flipped out about it.

          • Anonymous

            I’m not the OP nor have I had this happen to me as an OP, but I have at times deleted comments I’ve drafted asking for advice because it can be exhausting trying to preempt every possible way people will criticize instead of just answering the question or staying silent. I’ve had draft posts start as one paragraph that ended up nearly a full screen length trying to explain why I’ve already ruled out ABCDE and am asking about specifics of F, because I know if I don’t, I’ll get a bunch of responses telling me F is dumb and ABC are the obvious answers. I realize a lot of us are lawyers, myself included, but it’s supposed to be a break to come here, not a situation where OPs feel like they need to draft a bulletproof motion and commenters play a game of showing how smart they are to find the hole. Give your fellow posters (other than the obvious trolls) the benefit of the doubt that we are reasonably intelligent, caring people, and have done some basic due diligence before asking a question instead of assuming the worst off the bat unless some fact is clearly stated to show otherwise.

            In this case, it was pretty unnecessary to jump to “dear god stop nagging.” The next response (not in line with that comment) of “sorry but you can’t, but you can support him and offer whatever help he asks for” gets at the point without being a B.

          • Anon

            “Don’t be such a nag” is not “very good advice.” It’s sexist and condescending.

          • LaurenB

            It’s like GOMI and Reddit have combined to send trolls over here sometimes.

          • Anon for this

            Agreed with Anon @5:36p.m., at least the first two sentences worth.

            I am glad I am not the only one who has noticed this.

          • Anonymous

            @ Anon 5:59 – OP’s don’t need to provide every possible scenario and multiple paragraphs but OP adding “he expressed to us he doesn’t want to restart” is like 9 words that completely change the context of the question. Helping someone to not restart when they asked for that help is totally different from what OP originally posted.

    • Aggie

      After my father in law died, my DH had the same fear that he would again start smoking. He consulted with his PCP who encouraged him to use the nicotine gum/patches that he used to quit. Six months later he weaned himself off the gum without smoking a cigarette. I’m not a doctor, but the risks of smoking far outweigh any possible risk of the gum or patch. His doctor also offered a prescription for Chantix…but he elected to save that as plan B should he actually begin smoking.

    • Carrots

      So sorry for your loss – not sure if you’re still reading this late, but advise him that he can call the 1-800-QUIT-NOW for counseling or support. They do phone cessation counseling for those who are trying to quit, but will also offer support calls for those who are quit and just need some assistance in the moment. Check and see if your state health department has local tobacco cessation programming; they may have some materials on the Quitline that they can send either directly to your FIL or to you that you can get to him.

  4. Bris?

    Our friends just had their first baby and he’s a boy so now they’re going to have a bris. My husband and I know we’re invited because we’d talked a lot about it prior to the birth. I apparently mis-remembered that it has to happen 10 days out, but the internet says 8. Can anyone confirm that if the baby was born this morning, the bris will be next Thursday? Thanks!

    (Obviously she’ll tell us soon, but I want to block off my calendar asap, and don’t want to bug new mom with my scheduling concerns!)

    • Anonymous

      Yes 8 days is typical. If baby was born today (the 15th) bris would be Friday the 23rd.

      • Bris?

        Online sources say you count today as day 1 so next Thursday would be day 8. Is that online hooey?

        • tesyaa

          this is correct; on the 8th day including the first. But a bris is often postponed for very minor medical reasons (pinkeye, mild jaundice), so confirm with your friend.

  5. Linda from HR

    Let’s talk line etiquette. I’ve recently noticed that some people stand waaay too close behind me in line. It happens in a few different places, but most often at the grocery store. Sometimes they’re less than a foot behind me, sometimes their cart is angled so it’s next to me rather than behind me (I once got bumped in the butt by some lady’s cart, she claimed she just didn’t realize how big my butt was), sometimes they’re inches behind and a little to the side. One time, when I was paying in a store with parallel tills (so it’s like register, me, next register) this man decided to stand directly behind me, as opposed to standing with his groceries on the conveyor belt to the left of me like most people. And sometimes, especially when the person is older, I ask “do you need to go next?” but the answer is always no. Maybe I’m supposed to ask “would you like to go next?” rather than “do you need”?

    I’m sure in most cases, they don’t realize they’re doing it, they’re just eager to check out and move on with their day, but when someone does it I can’t help but wonder if they’re expecting me to let them go ahead of me, or hoping they’ll be able to ninja past me in a moment of confusion. In either case, too close is too close!

    If someone is unnecessarily, uncomfortably close behind me in line, is it reasonable to ask them to back up a little? I know I’m not entitled to as much “personal space” in line as I am just walking around, but a foot or so of buffer space doesn’t seem like too much to ask for.

    • Anon

      You wrote three long paragraphs about a common situation, one in which all you need to do is use your words. Ask them politely to please step back.

      • Linda from HR

        Yeah, you have a point, this post was unnecessary and dumb. I’m sorry.

        • Senior Attorney

          Haha, no more unnecessary and dumb than most of the posts on here!

          I get bugged by this kind of thing, too, if it’s any comfort. I tend to just chalk it up to being a “me thing” and suck it up, but YMMV.

        • tippins

          I don’t think your post was unnecessary or dumb. I’m super uncomfortable when people do this to me, and often wonder if I’m being unreasonable or hypersensitive. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

          • Linda from HR

            Okay cool, glad to know I’m not alone, or crazy.

            Well, maybe I am still crazy in other ways :)

        • January

          No need to be so hard on yourself. But the answer to your question, “Is it reasonable to ask [someone] to back up a little?” is yes! You have the internet’s permission to ask for personal space. :)

      • Anon

        Yeah, this happens to me all the time and I just ask them politely to give me some more space.

      • Anon

        I don’t think this was unnecessary or dumb at all – I’m just glad I’m not the only one this happens to!

    • Anon

      Keep in mind that this can also be a cultural thing. I am Indian-American and I can say that in India there is much less of a concept of personal space – people waiting in line tend to stand as close to the person in front of them as possible. I happen to prefer having personal space and have wondered how to handle the situations you described. Will be interested to hear others’ thoughts.

      • Anonymous

        This. My DH is European and even though he’s been here for ten years, I often have to remind him about personal space in public places. Plus he seems to have a blindless to line ups as there’s way less lining up in his country. And I have to remind myself to not get too bothered by it when we visit his country.

        • Houda

          As a mediterranean, I second this: people will be so close sometime you feel their breath. I also happen to be very weird about my personal space so when I am in south of Europe or north Africa, I do feel a bit pushed, but I have learned to live with it. It never gets comfortable but it is a bit aggressive to ask people to back off, almost as though you’re accusing them of harassing you. Very cultural thing so it sucks when you don’t fit…

      • Anon

        I was thinking of how unexpected queuing traditions can become in stores that attract diverse shoppers. I think I’ve experienced every extreme at some point in an H-Mart!

        This is why I think it makes more sense to think in terms of getting what you want (space in line) vs. norm-policing (an accusatory “excuse me” that means “excuse you”). The standards for what counts as rude or polite just vary too much–whether your personal bubble is large or small, whether it’s more important to leave space at the front of the line or more important to prove to the end of the line that you’re hustling, whether it’s the end of the world or no big deal if your cart bumps into another human–I don’t think there are agreed upon standards for any of this stuff. If somebody is being rude and trying to start something in a checkout line, you’ll know.

    • Anon

      Maybe I’m petty, but I will purposely move my cart around. Works if you’re carrying or pushing. Moving my cart to look at magazines/gum/the beef jerky selection in line and if I bump them or their cart because of proximity, they usually move since I’m being active/taking up more space. And I don’t think this is silly. It’s something that makes me (maybe irrationally) panicky too.

    • AnonZ

      I’m often the person doing this, and on behalf of all of us – sorry!

      There are so many reasons this happens – if the line is long, I’m trying to stay out of other peoples’ way and make sure it’s obvious I’m in line, or I’m focused on unloading groceries and not forgetting anything, or I’m juggling reusable bags/purse/wallet/debit card/shopper card. I have never done it with the expectation that someone would let me go ahead of them.

      If another person is crowding you with their cart, you could probably just say, “Oh, could you scoot that back a little!” If it’s them personally, just turning towards them and saying something like, “Oh, it’s pretty tight in here!” would probably snap me into noticing that I was way too close. I would be mortified if someone said, “Can I have some more space, please?” but even that wouldn’t be rude and some people might just be that clueless.

    • Anonymous

      What? Just ask them to scotch back a little. Why are you making this weird and passive aggressively asking if they need to go ahead of you?

    • Anon

      If someone is actually bumping into me, I turn around and say “excuse me” in a tone that makes it clear that they’re the ones who should be saying it.

    • Anonymous

      I respond by taking up more space – standing wider, put a foot behind me so the card bumps into that first, elbows out, turn to the side so I’m perpendicular to who ever is behind me.

      Basically – you make space for yourself, rather than letting other people take it.

  6. nutella

    My mom had pumps like these in the ’90s and both then and I now I think they look like Pilgrim shoes. :) Just can’t un-see the buckle!

  7. NonyMouse

    Can I get some advice or guidance on a recent issue with my boyfriend?

    He got sick a couple times this winter – a cold or two, and a bout with the flu. The past several weeks, he’s had some swelling in what he thought was a lymph node but has turned out to be his salivary gland, and he’s had some general fatigue and achiness. He has gotten very spooked by this because his grandmother died of lymphoma. Actually, “spooked” is a significant understatement – he has become obsessive about it to the point that discussion of his illness dominates all our conversations, and he spends lots of time researching on internet message boards and then freaking out about what he finds.

    He finally went to see his PCP earlier this week, who said that she wasn’t quite sure what was causing it, but that it would probably go away on its own, and if it persisted for another few weeks, she would do additional testing or refer him to a specialist. She said she does not think it is cancer. This calmed him down for about a day but then he started back up again with the internet searches and now he’s fully freaked out again. He’s so worried that it’s hard to tell if he genuinely has other symptoms of problems or if he’s so fixated on this that he’s creating other problems. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything anymore because he’s so obsessed with worrying about this.

    I don’t know what to do. I want to be a supportive partner and not be dismissive of his concerns. I have tried gently suggesting that he stop reading the internet and just follow his doctor’s advice, but he’s convinced that his research is helping him understand “all the possibilities”. And now he’s started saying that he’s not really convinced that the doctor knows what’s best for him anyway, and also that if it were to turn out to be cancer, he wouldn’t want to go through chemotherapy or radiation and would rather just “let it take its course”. (We are both in our 30s so this seems completely crazy to me.)

    Sorry this has turned out really long but it’s been a very difficult few weeks of trying to figure out how to interact with him. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for but just needed somewhere to talk, I guess.

    • Anon

      Tell him to get a second and even third opinion and/or referral to an oncologist. If three nays doesn’t satisfy him then he is being obsessive. But I have seen too many people let a medical condition go too far because they did not advocate for themselves to get thoroughly checked out. So encourage more opinions and less internet sleuthing.

      • Torin

        +1 if he’s concerned, encourage him to get a second opinion. Getting multiple medical opinions is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

        I would also try just not responding to his latest “research.” If he says, ” I read X article and think I have Y problem!” respond with, “If you’re worried, I think you should get a second opinion.” Don’t try to engage on the actual substance of the thing he read and argue with him, just encourage him to see someone who knows what they’re talking about. If you like, you could also ask around for recommendations for another PCP from friends and provide him with those names.

        • NonyMouse

          Thanks very much, both Anon and Torin. This is a really helpful way to redirect the conversation so that I’m not just being dismissive but also I won’t go crazy trying to convince him that it’s very, very, very unlikely that he would wind up with partial facial paralysis (his most recent worry) as a result of this.

      • Another anon

        Agreed. Something similar happened to my husband a few years ago, including the internet searches and obsession with death. I had him see my PCP for a second opinion, and he also had a follow-up with his PCP. It took a while, but ultimately he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and being on an anti-anxiety med turned things around for him. It had been a problem before, but this particular concern really set it off (to the point that he lost a lot of weight just from worrying about it). So, definitely encourage follow-ups, which should be reassuring to both him and you, and then consider whether there is another underlying issue. I do know how frustrating it is, especially the constant talk about cancer and death, so I hope you guys are able to reach a resolution.

        • NonyMouse

          Thank you very much for this. I would not be surprised about an anxiety diagnosis, given some other personality traits. Unfortunately, I don’t think he would accept an anxiety diagnosis or anti-anxiety meds. It’s good to hear though that someone else has gone through this – it’s surprising to me how frustrating and difficult it is. I’m trying to be patient and caring but it’s really tough.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I am your boyfriend. I do not suffer from anxiety otherwise, but when something in my body is “off”, I do tend to want an explanation. And I’m not a medical professional, so I’ll be honest – even if the sound of hoofbeats is supposed to signal horses, to me as the patient, it could be zebras. Telling him to calm down won’t work. Suggest that he get a second opinion.

        • NonyMouse

          Thank you – I will definitely try to redirect the conversation towards more expert opinions and away from internet forums.

    • Horse Crazy

      About 4 years ago, I had a virus that had the same symptoms as mono, but it only lasted for 3 months, at which point I was fully recovered, except for a lymph node in my throat that was still swollen. All of my symptoms went away except for the lymph node – the swelling never went down. I went to an ENT doctor/surgeon, who removed it, and I now have no problems at all, and they sent it off to get tested, and it was benign. I’d go see an ENT to get another opinion.

      • Anecdecta

        On the other side of the coin, in the same situation for me my ENT removed the lymph node and I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I don’t say this to freak him out further, but I am an tremendous advocate for second (and at times third) opinions. Sending you both good thoughts!

    • Anon

      When a person watches a loved one die it can lead to various degrees of hypochondria. I think it would be perfectly reasonable for him to get a second opinion. Maybe you can accompany him to his next doc appointment and mention the situation to the doc. Perhaps the doc will have some ideas (Rx for anxiety, counseling/therapy, etc)

    • Anonymous

      I’d encourage him to get the 2d and 3d opinions as above. But in your shoes, if this persists, honestly I would question whether this is someone I want to be with.

      • NonyMouse

        I know. It makes me feel really terrible to think “Ugh, he’s reacting poorly to being ill, I should break up with him!” but it really has put a strain on things and makes me think about our long-term future. I mentioned in a comment above, I think he might have some undiagnosed anxiety (that I think he’d probably deny and be unwilling to treat), and that has come into play in some other situations, although this has been the most dramatic.

    • Flats Only

      A young man in my office had what his doctor told him was an infected salivary gland, and it turned out to be mono. He might want a second opinion to double check for that.

    • Anonymous

      My husband had similar symptoms a few months ago along with night sweats. Googling freaked us out because of lymphoma and he pushed for a second opinion when his pcp was extremely slow responding and getting tests lined up. We ended up seeing oncologist who told us 99% sure it was lymphoma and we went through plans for chemo, freezing sperm, etc. he had biosopy of swollen lymph node a few days later which came back benign and turns out symptoms were caused by a totally harmless virus that would have run its course and that many people get with no symptoms at all. It was obviously an extremely stressful and upsetting few weeks. I wonder if we would have been better off letting it play out as first doctor suggested rather than pushing for more based on our internet research.

    • Greensleeves

      I agree that he should go back to his doctor and/or get a second opinion. I believe a good doctor will go ahead and do follow up now if they understand how much anxiety it is causing for the patient. I was lucky enough to have a doctor that was willing to send me right away to be checked for a congenital heart condition after my dad’s surgeon told me I should get checked sometime smack in the middle of my struggle with postpartum anxiety. Nothing else would have set my mind at ease during that time other than having a definitive answer.

  8. Billing

    Has anyone ever had issues with billing as a law firm associate? I’m not junior, and I’ve never had this issue before, but I’m working with a partner who keeps cutting my time.

    I previously worked at a different law firm where partners would occasionally write off time (so it would not be billed to the client but associates still got credit) – but it rarely, if ever, happened to me.

    At this new firm, the partner is literally removing the time so that I don’t get any credit for it – it’s like it never happened. I haven’t had any luck getting him to give me an advance estimate of how long something should take. But even if he would give me a ballpark, the problem is that the amount of time he’s allowing to be billed is well below what it would take to do the work well.

    I have been making a conscious effort to be efficient and careful with billing for his clients (and honestly have been recently cutting my own time on a lot of his projects) but it isn’t helping and I am at the end of my rope.

    • Anon

      This is not normal. Talk to the department head about getting credit for your hours, and print off the time entries once submitted, so they can be manually added back. You shouldn’t be punished for hours you worked but that weren’t recorded. You are not working inefficiently, this Partner just 1) wants his clients to see falsely lower bills that the work requires and 2) wants to seem like the only person working on the projects. Although not illegal, it is easy to liken this to working overtime without pay (and literally is similar if your billings determine your bonus).

    • Torin

      Have you asked him why he’s doing it? Making sure you get credit with your firm for your work is a pretty legitimate concern!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I worked for a firm that regularly did that and I found a new firm that didn’t. It is extremely frustrating.

    • Anon in SV

      Yep, when i worked at Latham SV, this was normal, because the firm had an elaborate write-off process for any amount over $2500, so partners just cut the time before it even hit the bill. It sucked. Then I moved to WSGR and this was not a thing there–you entered your time, and if the partner wanted to cut it, it was cut but you were still credited. Try to do less work for this partner, and def speak with your atty development folks, saying that this has been a continuous thing and is harming your development.

  9. Jo March

    I am considering making a donation to NARAL pro-choice, but on the website, I have to fill out my occupation & employer. The footnote reads that this is required by campaign finance law. Does this make my donation information public or allow my employer to know I donated? I’m a little confused about this and while I am firmly pro-choice now, I used to be pretty intensely pro-life in a past life and would not welcome the headache of harassment from the religious fundamentalists I used to be close with if they find out about this donation (I know that you can have a civil debate with some people and that adults should know to mind their own business, but trust me when I say these people are not like that). Thanks!

    • Horse Crazy

      I’ve worked for political campaigns and political parties. This shouldn’t make your information public or alert your employer. Because NARAL has a Political Action Committee (PAC), they have to abide by campaign finance laws, which require reporting of occupation and employer of every person who donates over a certain amount ($99 in CA, not sure if it’s different in other states). If you donated to a political campaign, the campaign would also have to report your occupation and employer.

      • Jo March

        Thanks for that context, Horse Crazy. I still find that info kind of invasive (perhaps I don’t understand the logic behind the law)…. why would it matter who I work for? And to anon’s point above, there’s no way to ensure people answer accurately (though I’ll admit to be too much of a rule follower to do that myself).

  10. Hollis

    I have a friend from college who was one of my closest friends from college about 20 years ago. We live on opposite coasts, but kept in touch by e-mail and phone until about 7 years ago, when she stopped responding to calls and e-mails. She had been struggling with infertility and a parent’s battle with cancer. I asked around mutual friends and it sounds like she basically stopped communicating with most, if not all, of her college friends. She was invited to but declined to attend a college friend’s wedding about 5 years ago.

    I still send her e-mail messages on her birthday, but haven’t heard back. I’ve heard from other people (i.e., her brother’s friends and her husband’s friends) that she is doing okay and the parent’s cancer is in remission. At what point would you just stop e-mailing someone who hasn’t responded to a single e-mail or call? Did this friendship die 7 years ago? I thought she just needed space. She never once blew up on me or told me that she needed time away or anything like that – it was just a total ghosting without any explanation, which actually bothers me a lot whenever I think about it.

    I know I should move on, but I keep hearing from people that when they are depressed, etc. it was important to hear from people that they still cared, etc.

    • Monte

      I get where you are coming from, but you have heard that she is doing OK. I think it is time to let go if you want to do that. (If you want to continue to send birthday emails, I am not sure there is much harm there either.) But I am roughly your age and roughly the same number of years ago, I went through a significant life change (not as difficult as your friend’s) and largely stopped talking to all of my college friends and a number of close HS friends. No blow ups — I just realized that the relationships were not what they had once been.

      I’ve also been on the flip side — a friend who I adored went through job loss and a lot of professional insecurity, and she stopped returning my calls/emails. I too dropped down to the birthday email, and still nothing. I stopped after about three years of no response. In this era, someone who wants to find you and reach out can do so. If she doesn’t, it is largely a choice, particularly when you are talking a seven year span. Even with the prospect of depression — you have done more than enough. Stop if you want.

    • Anecdecta

      I could be your friend. In the course of the last 3 years I found myself in a recovery program and then was diagnosed with an advanced cancer. My boyfriend broke up with me 10 days after that diagnosis. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I withdrew from everyone. By all accounts, I am currently doing “better”, but I just cant connect with people – particularly people from my past – in the same way. It is too difficult to find words to explain to them what happened to me during that time and its too hard to think about being close with people who might not understand. I have tremendous guilt over it. I miss those friends often. But despite being “better” and doing “well”, I’m not there yet. Maybe I never will be. Who knows. I just thought I’d share as some potential insight into what your friend may be feeling. I truly may not be you. And she may miss you terribly.

      • Min Donner

        @Anecdecta, I am flooded with compassion for you and so sad that the circumstances have made it such that you have (seemingly?) become estranged from people. I have been on both sides of life-changing events interrupting friendships, and I know that if a somewhat absent or estranged friend came back to me with an abbreviated “I’ve been dealing with some things, and I don’t want to discuss it,” I would immediately welcome the overture and engage on whatever terms they set. You don’t need to know all to be a friend.

  11. Anonny

    How do you hide distain for your boss? My boss is the caricature of useless white man and some days I just can’t handle it. It took all my might to not snap today. I didn’t get a degree to teach someone how to open an email!!!

    • Monday

      Don’t know if you’ll see this, but…

      My experience with the caricature of a useless white man is that their ignorance to everyone else’s perspectives, which drives me nuts, is part of a general obliviousness to anyone who doesn’t pay their salary. So don’t worry. You can make lots of annoyed faces and salty comments–he won’t notice! ;)

  12. HereNQueer

    Any LGBTQ attorneys/law students here? As a femme-presenting queer woman, my identity often feel quite invisible. I can’t be the only one!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I am a femme-presenting queer attorney. I currently identify as lesbian but am not wed to any label. I am also polyamorous. I understand how you feel, as my identity often feels invisible. You are not alone.

      • HereNQueer

        Thanks for responding :) I’m a third year law student headed to a big firm in a city.

        How long have you been practicing? Does your firm have an LGBT affinity group? Are you out to your colleagues/do they assume heteronormativity? How have your experiences been when not invisible? Sorry for all the questions. I don’t often get an opportunity to ask!

        • Anonymous

          I have been practicing for 2.5 years. I work at a small nonprofit public interest firm with about 20 employees total, with just eight attorneys. As such, we don’t have any affinity groups. Many of my colleagues know that I am lesbian and I do not hide it. Even still, they approach conversations with me through a heteronormative lens that makes me feel somewhat isolated. I do not disclose my polyamorous status, though a couple colleagues with whom I am close know about it. I don’t feel at ease conversing about my personal life as most of my heterosexual colleagues do.

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