What to Put On Your Wedding Registry (And: How to Deal When Your Wedding Registry is Public)
Today we have a great question from reader K, who wants an open thread about what to put on your wedding registry — and makes the interesting point that her wedding registry will be public. Here's her question:
Would LOVE it if you would consider doing a “wedding registry” advice/crowdsourcing post! I am registering now, and am a senior lawyer & manager in-house in big tech, living w fiance but wanting to upgrade our dishes etc. I'm sensitive to the fact that whatever I register for will be visible on the internet to opposing counsel, my reports and clients, and even regulators etc. that I deal with on a regular basis (who I KNOW google me). What do we need? And what do we need to know?
Such a good question, K! For my $.02, I really suggest you think about the kind of life you and your partner want — not just what you think you want. You go to Macy's or Bloomingdale's and you suddenly feel like, well, of COURSE we need $5000+ worth of crystal and china… but do you feel like washing it by hand or chancing it in the dishwasher? How many of your friends do you actually trust with an $80 wine glass — particularly after he or she has had a few?
We registered for a lot of stuff that was, I think, overly fancy for us and our shared lives (those links go to my patterns) — and that was before the kids came. These days we're down to a few unbreakable martini and wine glasses and eating off unbreakable Corelle plates I've had since college. You could say, “ah, but the kids will grow up!” — but by that point my mother may have tried to downsize her fancy plates and barware to my possession, to say nothing of the fancy crystal and china she inherited from her mother or MIL.
I'm not saying this stuff is frivolous or unnecessary — but I do think I did a poor job of picking my own registry items. So I'd LOVE to hear what readers have loved on their registry — and what you've seen done when the couple says, eh, we've got what we need, thanks! Some fun newer registry options if you haven't already seen them include Zola, Blueprint, and more — you can register for bigger ticket items like furniture, home remodeling, or vacations — and you can facilitate group gifting as well. The NYT also wrote recently(ish) about wedding registries for charity.
Readers here (and elsewhere, like on the Knot) seem to roll their eyes at these nontraditional registries a lot, though, so know your situation, including your own family and friends as well as your partner's. Another option that always exists, of course, is to tell your guests “we want your presence, not your presents!” — since, of course, wedding-related travel is already expensive.
Married readers, what did you LOVE from your registry? If you didn't really need a ton of stuff, how did you handle it? For those of you who were wary about having a public wedding registry, how did you handle it?
Psst: you can also check out our recent discussion of how to plan a wedding when you work long hours, as well as all our tips on how to handle wedding etiquette at work. Relatedly: we've also discussed when we REALLY set up house (in which I shared my story of splurging on nice dishes for myself well before any wedding (or partner) because I liked 'em).
Some related posts of interest:
- yes, the best sheets go on sale (still: $$$$)
- we asked the readers which are the best places to buy furniture
- here's how much readers spent on their weddings
I’ll bite. We are Very Very Old and initially we weren’t going to have a registry, but a friend who married a year before I did advised doing one because “if you don’t, people will give you all kinds of random [stuff].” We registered at Amazon and at least half of our selections were bottles of wine. We also registered for things we had but were pretty worn out, like sheets and towels and tablecloths. And maybe the things we’ve enjoyed the most have been a bunch of fancy decanters for hard liquor, which live on a bar cart in the family room. They’re pretty and much more fun than dragging the Costco-sized bottles of booze out of the pantry when we have guests!
Note that if you are going to ask for wine or any alcohol, you have to ship to someplace where somebody can sign for it. We had it sent to LH’s office.
And obligatory disclaimer: Maybe half of our 200-plus guests gave us gifts, which was more than fine. We expected nothing and were just happy to have them celebrate with us!
We registered at Amazon too, and the best and most-used gifts are tools, e.g. two ten-foot extension cords, a ladder, a dremmel, a hammer drill, and bits. We also got 5 jelly roll pans and use those all the time. There’s a recommendation below to ask for kitchen towels, we did that too. We also got some gardening tools.
Ack I meant literally gardening tools like a hose sprayer and two rakes, NOT euphemistic gardening tools. Haha!
;)
Ha! It would be hilarious to register for “gardening” tools!
LOVE: Tervis Tumblers
I was late 30s when I got married and refused to register for china or crystal on the grounds of having made it to 30 without them, I clearly did not need them.
Yeah, none of my friends who have gotten married in the last few years registered for china. Some registered for a set of every day dishes.
I asked for crystal stemware and now I just don’t use it. I have prettier cut glass wine and champagne glasses now that I prefer. So I would have asked for something like that. I already had china, but if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have gotten it. I also should have gotten more of my nicer stainless. I use it for dinner parties and holidays and now I can’t buy it again. I’d love to have more place settings. Get extra teaspoons! They always go missing.
We got a lot of fun dishes and glassware that went with our every day dishes. Some of that was well used and some wasn’t. We gave away anything we hadn’t used five years after the wedding.
If I had it to do over again, I’d ask for :
-Towels
-nicer but not too fancy stemware and barware
-some pretty dessert plates/small plates (which I’ve used a lot)
-serveware – I’ve gotten a lot of use out of pretty platters and bowls
-placemats and napkins and/or tablecloths
-vacuum cleaner (if you don’t have a nice one)
But that’s just me. I like to entertain and I use that stuff. If you don’t, pick things that better fit your lifestyle. I honestly do not like the honeyfund type of registries.
We married a bit later in life, and didn’t need stuff. We didn’t want to have a registry, because we didn’t want presents, but ended up taking two routes: 1. We did a donation registry for a couple of different places we’re both active in – nice option to donate online, and send us a celebratory message. Anyone who knows us, knew that was perfect and not at all impersonal or weird – for us. But, 2. there was a group of older women from my childhood church who really wanted to have a traditional shower with gifts, so I created a very basic, kitchen-centric registry for that event. Nothing crazy expensive, I think it was at Target, but it had some nice upgrades to my food storage bins, things like measuring cups, vegetable peelers – all those things that get wear and tear, but aren’t always top of your shopping list (well, not mine at least). It was a nice event, and that group appreciated a more traditional registry. We still received some lovely gifts, some our taste, some not – but that’s a wedding, and arguably life. Everyone’s wedding is different, but ours wasn’t all about us. My advice is to set guidelines, but then be gracious and go with the flow.
I would NOT even register at this stage of my life, b/c I have a fully furnished apartement, and will be getting all new stuff for my new apartement on the West Side when I move in a coupel of years. All I want is a DECENT man to MARRY me. Why is that so difficult? If I can get MARRIED, I would not even want my guests to give us gifts–b/c I consider getting married to be such a great gift in and of itself! I even told Grandma Leyeh that I would return all gifts, or give them to NY Cares, if ONLEY I could find a decent guy! FOOEY!
Zola (and I’m sure other online registries) gives you the option to make your registry un-searchable on search engines and the site itself. You can only access it through a link you provide guests.
We did this. We only put links on our electronic invites.
Just register using your fiance’s name and an initial for yourself.
I registered and I love registries. But I also use my ‘good’ china for lots of entertaining including meals with small kids.
I like giving a physical gift plus I enjoy shopping. I usually have a set budget for a gift and registries allow me to make the most of that by watching for certain items to go on sale. Like my close friend’s pot set was marked down from $600 to $200 on a flash sale so I was able to buy it for her. Could not have afforded it at full price.
DH and I did not want crystal or china because we didn’t think we would use it and didn’t want to store it (5 years in, I still agree). But, my sister advised me to register for 1-2 pieces anyway because we were inviting some older, very traditional family members. I think we registered for a crystal vase and candlesticks. Certainly not our most-used items, but at least we picked a design we liked and they don’t take up much space.
Otherwise, like others, we registered for things to upgrade our daily use items like dishes, towels, silverware, etc.
You can adjust your privacy settings on registries (at least places like Amazon and Target) to require people to have a specific link to find your registry. It definitely isn’t super convenient if you have a large wedding, but that may alleviate some of the OP’s concerns about other people finding it when they google her.
I registered for a lot of fancy and obscure kitchen stuff that has literally never been used like a food processor and ice cream maker. For some reason I thought I’d start making homemade pie crust once I was a wife, but it didn’t happen (lol). I also have tons and tons of Le Creuset sitting in my kitchen cabinets virtually untouched. We didn’t register for fancy china, but we did register for some nice plates and cutlery that are a step up from our usual Target-brand stuff and we use those when we have company. I think they were worth it even though they don’t get a ton of use. But in general the kitchen stuff has gotten far and away the least use of all the gifts we got.
The gifts we actually use all the time: nice towels, pillows and sheets, a high quality imitation down comforter (I’m allergic to down), luggage, picture frames for wedding photos, and an expensive vacuum cleaner.
The most egregious thing I’ve ever seen on a registry was a $2000+ TV on a *baby* registry. What that has to do with the baby is beyond me. But generally I’m happy to buy my friends whatever they want for their weddings. If you don’t need traditional kitchen and bedding items I think it’s fine to register for something else you’d both enjoy, like wine or furniture. Honeyfunds make me cringe a bit, although I have contributed to them when there was no other option.
Will totally buy your creuset!!!
Ohhhhh, I wish I could have seen the future when I registered. I have so much china and crystal that I never, ever use. It’s inoffensive, but it isn’t “me” now at all (married in late 90s). I still use the everyday plates, though, and have added to that collection over the years. I wish I had registered for really good cookware and pretty table linens – and excellent knives.
Love everything Le Creuset that we got, I use it weekly/daily for cooking. Those were our more expensive items. Love our knives (thankfully my sister bought them for me since some people are weird about giving knives at weddings). Towels/Sheets are still holding up. I think we actually did a great job at registering. I think the best non-registry gifts I got were: Handmade pottery mugs, seasonal dishtowels for every major/minor holiday, and melamine bowls with lids on them (great for storing cut up fruit and cold salads in the summer).
We bought fancy china at an antique store a few months after the wedding. A full, like new, 12-person antique (1960s) Mikasa setting for $75! I got china storage fabric boxes off amazon that helps with the storage.
If anyone is still reading, I had a massive wedding registry, got lots of gifts, and then had to haul it each time we moved (three times in five years). About half of the guests gave us cash instead of a registry gift, which was most appreciated. The weddings I have been to recently haven’t had a registry and instead donate monetary wedding gifts to a charity, which I think is super classy. Not saying this is the best option for everyone.
When putting together our registry, my husband purchased a consumer reports online subscription and did a free trial for the america’s test kitchen website to read their equipment reviews. Whatever those two companies said was the best of X (e.g., this is the best vacuum, this is the best fry pan, this is the best chefs knife) is what we registered for. And, five years later, everything still works/functions like a dream. That is the super, super practical approach. Many things may also need to be put on an amazon account, as it’s unlikely that you can find all of their top picks at the same store.
Also, register for nice bedding and towels.
(and, just FYI, but the “Best” in many of these items is NOT the most expensive. America’s test kitchen swears by a $30 nonstick skillet and not a $150+ All-Clad one).
I live in the South, and got married in my mid-20’s. It was practically written in stone that a Southern bride register for fine china, sterling silver flatware and serving pieces, and crystal glassware.
We’re about to celebrate our 15-year anniversary and never use the china and crystal. It’s such a pain in the ass to clean, to store and to move! We only do that level of fancy entertaining at Christmas and guess what? I have holiday china, too (which I do use). I do love my sterling silver but have never completed my pattern (since a 4-piece place setting is like $350). If you do want fancy plates, avoid the place settings and just register for dinner and salad plates – that is all you will use (ie., no one needs china coffee cups)!
I entertain a lot – showers, dinners, etc. — so get a lot of use out of my
If I had to do it all over again, I’d register for:
— White plates
— Lots and lots of serving pieces (platters, bowls, cake stands, chip and dip tray. I use mine all the time and, once again, white is the best- look for Portuguese pottery)
— Bar and wine glasses
— Chargers, placemats and napkins
— Stainless silverware (we have Lenox Eternal and ours is still in great shape)
— Nice cookware (pots, pans, etc.) – our All-Clad set is still around and kicking
— German or Japanese knife set
— Oven to table pieces (mine are Wilton Armetale and a very simple design)
— Le Creuset Dutch oven – mine is a WORKHORSE and they just replaced it for free since the enamel was chipping
— Cooking utensils, including wooden spoons
— Upgrade to kitchen small appliances: blender, food processor, toaster, mixer
— Immersion blender
— Towels – bath and kitchen
+1 Le Creuset Dutch oven. We didn’t register for this but were later gifted one and it is THE BEST. I highly recommend the Round Wide Dutch Oven.
7 quart oval Le Creuset French oven is the best thing I’ve ever bought for myself.
I would include: high quality cookware (love my All Clad); kitchen appliances you need/want; nice sheets and towels; a good vacuum; luggage.
As for the kitchen appliances, I use my fancy toaster oven, stand mixer, food processor, and blender regularly, so they were definitely all worth it for me. If I were getting married now I would also include an instant pot.
Disclaimer: I got married very young (23!) and very much needed all the things I registered for.
The last wedding I went to was a destination wedding with about 30 attendees–they didn’t ask for specific items, but had an online fund if anyone wanted to gift them money for their new home. Also, my friend will be moving after her wedding, so she has specifically asked for no “boxed” gifts.
Speaking of her wedding, I’ve been invited to her dholki (a Pakistani bridal shower)–she does not expect me to wear a traditional outfit, but I still want to be conscious of tradition. What should I wear? I’m thinking of renting a bright colored maxi dress and wearing a shawl.
Something with sleeves (short is fine). No cleavage. What you’ve described sounds good. Also you could wear a long (bum covering) nice flowy top with slim trousers and your shawl. For the wedding a really nice version (e.g. silk) would also be appropriate & lovely.
I researched every item on my registry extensively and tried to choose items that would be “buy for life.” It took a lot of time upfront, but I honestly love and still use 95% of the items I registered for. A lot of the stuff was more expensive than I might be inclined to buy for myself, but I know they are amazing quality and will last forever. For example, a $35 ladle – I would have bought myself a $15 one, but every time I use this I love it and I feel how it will be around for many years to come. I also love: a huge quality wooden cutting board, sheets, silicone baking mats, Le Creuset dutch oven, W-S spatulas and gold touch pans, crock pot.
I would lean more towards upgrading items you use frequently or adding an item you haven’t yet splurged on. I personally probably wouldn’t register for a couch or TV, but I wouldn’t be offended if I saw it as I was shopping for someone else, so if that’s what you need go for it. But, I have seen iPads or Apples watches on registries and I consider more personal items like that as being much more of a no-no vs items for the home if that makes sense.
I love all the new registries that are coming out, but I would probably give options and do at least one traditional one. I buy everything online, but I’ve been in stores multiple times where I hear someone walk up to an employee in Macy’s/BBB/etc and say, “I’m going to a wedding, can you pull up the registry so I can pick out a gift?”
We have not registered for china and crystal. I didn’t really even want to do a registry and just say no gifts as we’re in our 30s and well set up, but this is complicated by the fact that I am Southern, so regardless of what I said, people will bring gifts, and I didn’t need/want a bunch of fancy iced tea pitchers and random crystal knickknacks that seem to show up as Southern wedding gifts (not kidding, 1 friend got 5 iced tea pitchers when he got married.) So we registered to try to get things we want/need. It is a combination of useful household items I have but would like to upgrade (sheets, towels, some kitchen stuff), kitchen things I want and know I will use but aren’t totally necessary so I had never bought them for myself, and other random household items that fall into the “would like but wouldn’t buy myself” category like nice planters so I can upgrade my standard clay pots. I considered making the registry and wedding website private but thought that might make it difficult for people to find, so I just decided I didn’t care if random people were judging me on what I registered for.
+1 to the “if you don’t register in the south you will be 5 iced tea pitchers.” They are literally my mom’s go-to gift if people don’t have a registry.
I was married over 10 years ago and I still regularly use almost everything I registered for. We registered for everyday dishes (Fiesta) instead of china and nice stainless flatware instead of silver (I had inherited silver). We also registered for All-Clad pots and pans, and I haven’t had to buy a pan since. I would say the only items that really haven’t been super-useful were a mandoline (donated), a stand mixer (still have it for the limited number of times a year I use it), and nice drinking glasses (they all broke).
When we got divorced, my ex-h only took the household goods he brought into the marriage (and frankly, not even that in the kitchen), so I ended up with everything we’d registered for, and I was glad, since I was the one who picked it all.
I’ll speak in favor of china/crystal with the caveat that, like Kat said, you really think about what kind of life you want. My husband loves to cook and has a job that involves us hosting a lot of dinner meetings/parties. (When we bought our house, we prioritized dining/living room space over bedrooms and our only big ticket furniture purchase was a table with two expansion leaves.) We love our china and made sure that it was dishwasher-safe, which is not hard to find these days. We also registered for Reidel Vinum bordeaux stemware (the most multi-use shape) and crystal double old-fashioned glasses. The stemware is dishwasher-safe except that our dishwasher rack can’t accommodate the height of the glasses, so keep that in mind when purchasing! We get so much use out of the DOF glasses, we’ve bought more. We surprisingly don’t mind hand washing all the glassware. That said, I did register for crystal water goblets that we didn’t get and I am so thankful. That was me being fanciful.
Other things we use a lot from registry: knives, pots & pans, table linens. Biggest registry mistake: White sheets. Love the idea but totally impractical for us longevity-wise. My best advice is to make sure you have items at all price points that are relevant for your guests. I agree with the commenter that said people are going to get you stuff regardless so you’re better off giving them some direction.
I’ll second the plug for china. I have 16 place settings of Lenox china that is dishwasher safe and microwave safe. We cook every day and entertain a ton. We have only broken one coffee cup in ten year of marriage — it is much more durable than the IKEA cereal bowls that my husband brought into our marriage. I don’t have any regrets about registering for china.
We registered for china too (dishwasher safe) because my mother regretted not registering and we entertain a lot and my MIL is very formal (and has 4 sets of china, but all of which is hand-wash). The crystal I never use, but we got enough pieces to make small family gatherings with my inlaws appropriately formal. We also registered for fiestaware for every-day plates and use the crap out of it. I also registered for a lot of serving-ware (mostly those metal (pewter?) hot and cold bowls I forget the name) given that we entertain a lot with large groups – it is nice when hosting dinner for 20+ to have nice looking bowls to put everything in. Only downside is they are hand-wash. We did not register for silver (but got a nicer set of stainless every-day utensils that look great next to the fancy stuff too).
I registered and enjoy using my fine china and crystal stemware for special events.
Bone china is actually quite strong & depending on the finish, it can be put in the dishwasher (if it has metallic trim, it can’t). Same with crystal. Just do your research ahead of time. I got stainless-steel flatware instead of sterling & kind of regret it bec. I thought it would be easier to take care of. But it just looks cheap. Sterling gains a beautiful patina with regular use, & the few pieces of sterling serving ware I have are even more gorgeous after a few years.
My partner & I are the ones who host the big family/friends dinners & holiday events, so having all the fancy china & crystal is perfect. Also, kids can learn how to treat this stuff respectfully; I did, my whole family did, generations going back way before plastics did.
Yes. We tend to host a lot and our nice China has twice as many plates as our regular stuff, so anytime we have more than 6 people over we break it out, which is surprisingly often (at least once a month). (Kind of funny when we’re grilling burgers and are like, should we use the china or paper plates?) There is a tiny amount of metallic trim but we throw it in the dishwasher to no ill effects that I can see, and no broken dishes yet (knock wood) after over 10 years and two kids. And the rare times I am home by myself I love eating my lunch off the nice plates, it feels like a treat.
We went to a restaurant supply store for plain, basic white dishes. Not worrying about a broken plate is strangely freeing.
I enjoy theme registries, but they seem more common for baby showers than wedding showers.
We didn’t register and said no gifts. We have no family aside from ourselves, so it made it easy. We got a few monetary gifts from friends/co-workers, and a Le Creuset dutch oven from my assistant.
We’re getting married this summer, and we set up a cash travel registry on Zola, which I realize is considered tacky around here, but I do not want more stuff. We’re in our mid thirties. We have tons of stuff. Plus we anticipate moving in the next year or so, and I’m already filled with dread about packing our already completely full house. Honestly I didn’t want to even set up a travel registry. I consider bothering to come to my wedding a nice gesture, particularly if you’re out of town, and I don’t need a present in addition to a guest’s presence. But multiple people told me if you don’t register people, including my wedding planner, will buy you stuff you don’t want, so this was my compromise. We’ll see how it turns out.
Honestly you’ll probably still get a bunch of stuff you don’t want, because many people consider cash registries tacky and will send you a physical gift instead.
Love my staub pots (and have added to the few we didn’t get from the registry). And my all-clad roaster. But I cook and entertain a lot, particularly around the holidays.
If I had it to do over again I’d have registered for really good pots and pans. I don’t know why we didn’t think of that!
After 12 years of marriage, I’m glad I registered for (and fought my MIL over) the Kate Spade/Lenox china and the polka dot accent plates. It’s pretty and classic and we use it often enough. Not registering for silver was still a great decision – the price of silver is so high and I rarely use the silver I have from my grandmother.
As for the wine glasses, I wish I’d registered for something less expensive than Riedel, because a lot of them got broken (at least two by my in-laws) and the price has only ever gone up.
For parties I use the cheap party packs of glassware and save the good stuff for small family gatherings where it is relatively less likely to get broken (although apparently not in your family, so know your audience). And when it is $20 for a 12 pack of wine-glasses, I don’t fuss when they get broken and have no qualms about putting them in the dishwasher.
That’s such a good idea! We tend to be all plastic all the time for parties, but I’d like to try that.
My in-laws are remarkably careless about other people’s possessions, especially (it seems to me) with my possessions. I think it’s an extension of their overall cheapness – if they’d only pay $2 maximum for a wine glass, why would they worry about breaking *my* wine glass? Who would pay $30 for a wine glass? If they got a tote bag free at a hotel, why wouldn’t they get tar stains all over the LL Bean Boat & Totes I sent with the kids for the weekend? Who would pay money for a tote bag? It’s so irritating.
No advice on the public nature of registries. We got married before Google existed. This spring I’m attending a wedding for a couple in their late 40s and a couple in their early 20s. Without a wedding registry, I would have no clue what they might need or want, as I only know one half of each couple well.
Re: dishes and flatware patterns. I recommend picking something fairly classic that has been in production for a long time. That way if you need to replace a few pieces–or just get more settings for larger gatherings–in the future, it is likely to be available. For everyday stuff, we found that William-Sonoma had more consistent patterns over the years than Crate and Barrel, for instance. When we discovered that we were short several teaspoons because a certain toddler had been throwing them away after meals, we were able to restock.
Although returns can be a pain in the neck, you can also return things to get something you actually want and either didn’t get, or did not register for.
Table linens: unless you like to spend your time on stain removal and ironing (or are willing to spend the $$$ to send them out), I would stay away from cotton and linen. The higher end poly ones are much more forgiving and rarely even need an iron.
Another thing I love from our registry – bath sheets. My husband is on the large side, and I am rather tall. Particularly while pregnant, it was awesome that our bath sheets still fit around me and made me feel less like a whale.
I love the Villeroy and Boch set we registered for. They are very pretty for every day and you can dress them up for special occasions with pretty napkins, tablecloth and centerpiece. There are good brands like that out there that are durable, attractive, and reasonably priced.
Many people recommend basic white for this purpose but don’t be afraid to show your personality by mixing in some color and pattern.
We only registered for daily use china, which was smart, but we registered for some with a high porcelain content, meaning it chipped all the time and did not survive ten moves, which was not smart. I inherited my grandmother’s china, which sits professionally packed in our storage closet, as I have two boisterous children and no need for fancy dinnerware.
I loved and still use 11 years later: food processor, griddle, mixer. That’s it, really. If I were registering now, I’d go for high-quality, durable kitchen gear: silicone mats, good pans, All-Clad (all of which I eventually bought myself).
Aware this is tacky here, but we married about 6 months ago and asked that if people were wishing to give gifts that we would prefer money towards our honeymoon. We had just bought our first home and having moved boxes of just plain ‘stuff’ over – nothing seemed necessary. We received a couple of bottles of champagne, a welsh lovespoon, a personalised shadow box style gift and a couple lottery tickets and then money. Our grandparents all said asking for money was sensible and they were whos opinions I was most concerned about – so we did.