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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 239 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Walter Iris Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Walter Iris BlouseFor some reason, everything I wanted to post today is sold out (darn it) or down to lucky sizes only. Boo. This gray and light blue blouse looks interesting, lovely, and kind of modern — for some reason, I'm seeing it with a navy cardigan, gray ankle pants, and perhaps a hot pink or bright yellow accent somewhere — shoes, delicate necklace, bangle. It was $108, but is marked to $42 at Bluefly today (size S only, alas). Walter Iris Blouse Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Psst: Another great lucky-size option: this Lauren Ralph Lauren peplum blouse at Nordstrom in size 10. And — I've posted this before, but this Lauren Ralph Lauren fit and flare skirt at Macy's is now down to $49 (lots of sizes still left).  Ladies, have you found any great deals lately? (L-4)

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Comments

  1. Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie

    I need Hawaii travel help! This is going to be long and confusing so please bear with me:

    Josh and I are staying at the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Waikiki for Josh’s work conference from May 14-19th. We need to find a place to stay from May 10th-13th and going down the list of possible hotels I’m getting overwhelmed. Josh’s response when asking him what he’d prefer was, “We’re going to Hawaii. Yay!” Have any of you stayed at the following hotels and if so which would you recommend?

    -Aulani Disney at Ko Olina (away from Waikiki but also near nothing else)
    -Turtle Bay Resort at North Shore
    -Sharaton Waikiki
    -The Royal Hawaiian Waikiki
    -Westin Moana Surfrider at Waikiki (my dream Hawaii hotel but literally two hotels away from the Hilton Hawaii)
    -Outrigger Reef Waikiki
    -The Modern at Waikiki/Honolulu

    I’m not sure if we should stay at Waikiki the whole trip or spend half the time on a different part of the island and then the other half of the time in Waikiki while we’re at the conference.

    I’ve been to Hawaii three times but this is Josh’s first time so I want to make it perfect. I’ve never stayed at any of the hotels there because my Aunt lives there so I’ve always stayed with her. She’s going through a nasty divorce though but they’re still living under the same roof so her place is out of the question.

    Thanks for the help ladies!

    • Male VPL

      If I had two weeks in Hawaii, I would not spend it all on the same island (and I’d not be in Waikiki the whole time). Can you go to Maui or Lanai or somewhere else? Oahu traffic can be horrid if you are commuting. But if you leave Waikiki, you should get a car b/c there are some fabulous things there (hiking, Queen Emma’s house, Aloha Bowl flea market, etc.).

      Can you all watch Magnum and see what your BF really seems to enjoy?

      • anon a mouse

        +1. Go to another island for a couple days. Waikiki is postcard-perfect but the other islands are so different and beautiful.

        • zora

          yes definitely go to another island. Maui if you like relaxing vacationey places with beautiful scenery. Kauai if you have any interest in outdoorsy activities. If I was taking another trip I would do Maui this time.

          • Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie

            I would love to go to another island but would prefer to do that as a separate trip in the future. I kind of like to go somewhere and stay put for a whole. Also with how long we’re going to be there we’re really trying to keep costs reasonable.

          • Question

            In that case, what I’d do is VBRO an actual house as high up on Oahu as I could get (or in Manoa) because it will be very different and very Hawaiian and show you something totally different. The sunrise / sunset view from up high is amazing, so you want to know what your view will be like (probably from the lanai). Then you can travel around. In Hawaii, people can go on any beach, any time, even if it is part of a resort, so you can day trip where you want around the island even if you’re not staying at any of the places listed).

      • Anon

        I would stay on one island and at the same place as the conference myself. I don’t like wasting vacation time moving and packing/unpacking. I also like having a Hawaii routine – morning walk, beach all day, maybe town, dinner,measly bed and it’s not the kind of place where there’s lots of sightseeing to do.

        • Question

          Not to argue (you like what you like), but FWIW, Hawaii airports are just an awesome treat to someone who otherwise never sees open-air airports with lei vendors. Plus, it’s isn’t so much a trip as you are descending as soon as you take off.

          • Anon

            Oh I know, but you see one you see them all, and you lose at least a half day on travel even with the fastest flight by the time you pack, leave on time,get to airport, fly, deplane, get to new hotel, check in (or wait for your room to be ready) that I don’t think it’s worth it for a relaxing vacay.

        • Senior Attorney

          Often you can get the conference hotel to extend your room for the discounted conference rate. Certainly worth asking.

    • cbackson

      I stayed at the Modern and LOVED it. It’s not beachfront, but it has a set of fabulous pools (including an adults-only pool) that are frequently featured on Hawaii Five-O. If you like boutique hotels, I would definitely recommend it. The Modern isn’t that far from Waikiki, though (it’s walking distance, although a longish walk) so if your goal is to really experience something different, you may want to try another part of the island.

    • long time lurker

      We stayed in Turtle Bay for 3 nights. Turtle Bay is a self-enclosed destination resort more or less. It is nice, the beach is nice and they have good snorkling right there. We did a horseback ride and played tennis, as well. I found the rooms/hotel just a teeny bit rundown (they appeared to be updating). My favorite thing to do was have sunset cocktails at their bar on the water, and watch all the surfers (big waves in North Shore). You can do that without staying in the resort. We ate at two of the restaurants, can’t remember the names, but I liked the casual one more. We saw a couple sea turtles which was very cool.

      • KLG

        I stayed at Turtle Bay and also really enjoyed snorkeling and evening cocktails at the little beach bar. There was a nice pool. We took surfing lessons down the road a bit from some random guy and found a little market with great poke. We were there for an event so we had two big catered parties which were really nice.

        • Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie

          I’m really leaning towards Turtle Bay because of it being away from Waikiki/ the insane throngs of tourists. I’m also not really a fan of Waikiki beaches (in comparison to the rest of the island) so it would be nice to have access to some other beaches without having to drive.

          I’m so glad to hear you guys liked it. Thanks so much!

          • Anon

            Why don’t you rent something off AirBNB or find something in Kailua? Def rent a car so you can do fun things like hike the lighthouse/tidepools at sunrise, eat at Cinnamon’s, circle the island, pali lookout, etc.

            NB: I’m actually from there, and going back for a wedding, but my parents are kicking me out to host less mobile family members so I’m looking for places to stay and I’d think it’d be nice to rent a place in a different part of the island from where I grew up. Like somebody else said, you can do resorts in Mexico/the Caribbean, but I do think it’s more difficult to experience local life in those locales compared to doing it on Oahu.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve stayed at the Sheraton. It is enormous and feels a bit like an airport terminal. But the location is fantastic, and the infinity pool with morning yogaquatics is pretty enjoyable :)

      Still, I’d spend the time on another island. Waikiki was just way too many people and Vegas-like high-end shopping, which is not what I go to Hawaii for. I absolutely loved Maui, and I’d like to go to Kauai next time. I think either one of those would be a good contrast to six days of the beachy hustle and bustle of Waikiki.

    • Anastasia

      I wouldn’t stay in Waikiki. Traffic is awful, and it didn’t feel like much of a vacation to me. We stayed a couple days in Ko Olina (also went for DH’s work trip, so we were in Waikiki at first, but hated it and got a last minute room somewhere else once he was finished), which is better, but still feels very all-inclusive-resort touristy to me. Like I could have paid half as much and done it in Mexico. Aulani’s spa is AMAZING, though. Even if you don’t stay there, book a spa appointment and make a day of it.

      We drove around to the North Shore, and I liked the vibe there a lot better. If I were to ever go back to Oahu for any length of time (which I would not; I second everyone’s reccommendation to go to a different island), I would definitely stay there.

  2. Italy

    TJ: Any suggestions for apartments to rent on the coast in Tuscany? We’re hoping to stay walking distance or short drive to the beach.

    TIA!

    • DC Wonkette

      We did hotel not apartment but really liked the Viareggio area. Easy drive from Florence and several day trip options…

  3. BB

    Has anyone gotten hair removal on their eyebrows? What method did you go with? How did you like the results? (Also, any recs for Boston area?)

    I have eyebrows that are thick on top and this thick part creates a well-defined arch. However, there’s also this whole bottom part that is more sparse, but left to its own devices, makes my whole eyebrow look slug shaped. I’ve been plucking/waxing this area since I was in high school, and I’d love a permanent solution.

    • Tired Squared

      I don’t think you can do anything permanent (like laser) on the eyebrows … at least that’s what they told me when I went in for my lasering treatment!

      • BB

        Really? There goes my dream! :P Also, I realized I wasn’t clear: I was looking for permanent hair removal.

    • CKB

      My mom & sister got electrolysis on their eyebrows years ago, and it’s pretty permanent. I believe it may take a few treatments, though.

      • Anonymous

        Even today, I would do electrolysis over laser on an area like that. I’ve done both (neither on my eyebrows) and unlike laser, electrolysis is truly permanent. Plus, with electrolysis the technician can go hair by hair (impt for an area like the eyebrows)!

  4. Reupholstery disaster - how to fix?

    Famouscait here – sorry for the lengthy post. I’d appreciate any creative problem-solving ideas for this situation:

    I took a mid-century modern chair + ottoman to be reupholstered. The shop is run by a very nice older couple who told me they’d been in business (at that location, no less) for 45 years. I took this as a sign they would do quality work. We discussed specifics about placement of the welting, replacing the seat cushion entirely, etc. The owner mentioned (without me asking) that he would remove the original, mustard-yellow chenille which was soiled, rotten and utterly disgusting in places. (This is the only proper way to reupholster. You don’t put new fabric over old). Price for all this work was $625, to be paid by check on pickup.

    Yesterday, we went to pickup the chair and it looks awful. It’s lumpy all over, the tufted buttons are uneven, the ottoman is lopsided, and the fabric comes down at different spots on each of the front legs of the chair (like pants that have been hemmed to two different lengths). I noticed a few of these details when we saw it at the shop, but I was 1) too embarrassed to say anything in front of the man and 2) hopeful that when I got it home it wouldn’t all be so noticeable. So we wrote the check and left, seemingly satisfied. When I got it home, I flipped it over and can clearly see that mustard-yellow chenille sticking out from underneath the frame – so it hadn’t been removed as specified. This was the last straw for me.

    I’ve put a stop payment order on the check which feels highly confrontational to me, but its not like a credit card that I can ask to rescind the charge. The shop is closed today until Monday, so I was afraid if I waited to deal with this next week when I can speak to the owner, the check would have already been cashed and I’m absolutely not willing to pay so much money for a chop-shop job. I intend to call the shop and leave a message telling him I’ve cancelled the check and why. At this point. there’s only two options I can think to offer the owner:

    1) He can keep the chair, to re-sell or strip for useable materials. We pay no money. Or,
    2) We pay him $100 to cover the cost of the new cushion and we keep the chair. I would donate it or list it on Craigslist- I have no desire to keep it and am not interested in putting nay more money into it.

    I supplied my own fabric for this job (the cost of which I know I can’t recoup at this point) and I recognize that he did put in a small amount of materials for the new cushion. So either option leaves us both a little bit out of pocket, but I can’t think of any other options. Since he already did a crappy and misleading job, I’m not willing to have him do any more work on it, nor do I want to put any more money into it (for labor or new fabric, etc.) I take responsibility for not speaking up at the shop, but I don’t feel that changes the shoddy quality of the work. Any ideas on a third option or alternative I’m overlooking here?

    • TBK

      I guess I don’t see why he doesn’t owe you the cost of the fabric that he ruined. I don’t know anything about reupholstering, but if it’s basic practice to remove the old fabric before putting on the new, and he didn’t do that, then this is beyond him just not being terribly good at his job; this is about willfully skipping necessary steps. As for the cost of the cushion, sure, he can take that out of what he owes you for the ruined fabric.

      As for approach, I might contact him and explain calmly why the work is not acceptable, and ask how he intends to make it up to you while being explicit that you don’t trust him to do any more work. That is, give him a chance to make things right. If he doesn’t, I’d go to the better business bureau to report him.

      • DontBlameTheKids

        I agree with this. Give him a way to make it right, but don’t let him do any more work on the chair. Don’t hesitate to use Yelp and the Better Business Bureau. Other people should be warned. Upholstery fabric is not cheap!

        • Hollis

          Please don’t use Yelp or Better Business Bureau unless you’ve spoken with him first and gave him a chance to respond. It is completely unfair and passive-aggressive to 1) not say anything and just walk out giving him the impression that you were satisfied with it and then 2) slam him publicly, thereby potentially ruining his business’ reputation. I represent small businesses and you have no idea how one or two bad reviews on the internet can destroy their livelihood.

          • Reupholstery disaster - how to fix?

            I absolutely agree. I intend to talk to him directly, and hopefully resolve things that way without any sort of escalation.

    • NOLA

      Given that the work was pretty shoddy, you might not care to do this, but why not talk to him about the problems (that the old fabric wasn’t removed, that the work was not done properly, what you want it to look like) and give him a chance to fix it, with the agreement that you will only pay him for the work if it’s acceptable. He may not agree to that or he may tell you it’s not possible, if he discovered something while working on it. But I think I’d want to know from him what happened and why it did not come out as expected.

      • Wildkitten

        On the contrary, I wouldn’t want to deal with this guy again, and I’d cut my losses.

        • Reupholstery disaster - how to fix?

          That’s how I feel. I also don’t want to give the appearance that I’m trying to get a free upholstery job (either by not paying for this one, or being dissatisfied with a re-do). At this point I’ve given up on both the chair and the upholstery shop.

        • Sadie

          I’d just also say, before you get rid of it/give it away, take a TON of photos, with a time stamp. $625 is a lot of money and I wouldn’t put it past them to sue you in small claims for it.

        • BB

          I agree, unless the guy has some amazing excuse (like…he was sick and had to have his half-competent nephew do that job for that one week, and he is sorry and will fix it). My only exposure to re-upholstering is through home improvement blogs, and even I know all those problems you listed are not okay even when you DIY it.

      • MJ

        I would definitely go talk to him. The whole experience is totally disappointing, but things are worse now because of how you handled it. This sucks, but he did do labor–it just wasn’t up to your standards (or general industry standards, for that matter). You do owe him money for his time, even if you didn’t like the result. You can’t just not pay him. Plus, you accepted his work by paying him and taking the chairs…he now has a case against you for nonpayment, unfortunately.

        • Ginjury

          I disagree with this. If he didn’t even do what he said he would (remove the original fabric), he shouldn’t be paid unless he can fix it.

        • TBK

          I disagree too. You don’t have to pay just because he did work. The work he did was worse than useless because now you’d have to rebuy fabric and have someone undo his poor work if you wanted to be back where you started. No one ‘s entitled to money for doing work that’s ultimately harmful.

        • Hollis

          MJ – I agree with you completely. State laws in most states (at least the two I’m familiar with) say that if you give an item to a business to repair or restore the item, they have what is called a “chattel lien” on the property for their work, even if and after they give it back to you. If you do not pay for the work (i.e., your check bounces), most states allow the repair-person to file a lien against you in the county where the work was done in order to get paid. Plus, unless he agreed to give you a warranty or guarantee of satisfaction, the repair person did not promise to make it to your satisfaction. He has a legal right to get paid. You have a right not to go back to him ever again or to ask him to re-do some aspect of it for you at no charge to make a customer happy.

  5. Ellen

    Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love fruegel friday’s! But this blouse, tho fruegel, is to low cut for me and Frank would be drooleing like a bloodhound if he saw me weareing it. Also, I would have to wear a special bra with this so I will have to pass on it.

    Dad say’s the tax guy will be over this weekend, and he need’s me to go over some thing’s with him. I told him that he should speak directly with the tax guy, b/c the tax guy’s eye’s look two different places, and NOT at my eye’s. I am a littel worried Dad is being way to agresive with my return, but Dad say’s if I am audited, he will talke to the IRS guy. I told dad we had IRS guys here, and even I was not abel to distract them with special clotheing and we got hit with a $65,000 bill (or whatever it was) that I have to work 600 more hours this year to pay for. FOOEY!

    So Myrna and I will go out again and stay over tonite and tomorow when the tax guy is over. Dad said that the tax guy has a son I should meet. I wonder if his eye’s look two different direction’s. I do NOT want a guy that is not lookeing at me when he talks to me. Also, he might not be abel to see what he is doeing around the house. Myrna say’s that is a liabilitie in bed, but I can NOT even fathom sleeping with a guy who is looking at the ceeling rather then at me if we are haveing sex. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    I am goeing down to the Court today b/c they are haveing some sort of seminar on handeling filing’s at the cleark’s office. There is NO CLE credit, but the manageing partner want’s me to schmooze with the clerk so that they can do us favor’s if we are not abel to file some thing on time they can make a smudge on the date stamp or something like that. I do NOT think they can do this b/c alot of my fileings are electronic, and I told the manageing partner that, but he said no, go schmooze! so he also gave me $100 cash to spend at Century 21 afterward. YAY!!!!!!!!

  6. New Associate

    Threadjack. I am really interested to hear your opinions about a situation my friend is in at work. Earlier this week, my friend’s colleague parked in a handicapped parking spot, and he is not handicapped–she knows that he is not, and he has no handicap plates/car tag. She offhandedly told him something to the effect of, “hey, you parked in a handicap spot.” (She said this coworker had acted chummy/friendly with her so she felt comfortable telling him this). Apparently this comment either pissed him off or made him feel “uncomfortable.” Instead of going to her, he reported her comment as “disparaging” to human resources. She was notified and had to go through a process of being informed of the company’s reporting policies etc. She is a very nice and respectful person and now feels somewhat shamed in the office. Do you think she was in the wrong? What would you do?

    • snowy

      That’s pretty awful. I don’t understand how that is at all disparaging, it’s actually illegal to park in a handicapped spot if you don’t have the proper tags, so she was informing him that he was breaking the law.

    • DontBlameTheKids

      I am not one of those “mind your own business” people, but I think in this case, yes, she should have minded her own business. A lot of people think they “know” something when they really don’t know anything at all. He could have had a handicap she didn’t know about.

      If this was a fight she felt strongly about, she should have reported his plate number, since he didn’t have tags.

      But he also sounds like an overly sensitive jerk.

      • jc

        I somewhat agree with this comment, but if that was the case, it doesn’t seem like a comment that deserves to be reported to management. If he really did need to park in that spot, he could have simply said “I know,” and let it be. It seems like in fact he shouldn’t have been parking there if a simple comment about it drove him to report it to management.

        • tesyaa

          Not sure I agree… if he shouldn’t have been parking there, he’d have been as quiet about it as possible, IMO

      • Anonymous

        I think reporting his plates but not saying anything to him is insanely passive aggressive. Sort of like what he did going to HR instead of just replying “I know” or “Forgot my tags in the glovebox, thanks for reminding me”

      • Hollis

        She did him a service! The one time I tried to pull this stunt, in a completely empty parking lot (I parked in front a building that was closed because it was a major holiday because it was pouring down rain and I wanted to avoid getting wet), a police woman pulled me over and almost gave me a $300 ticket! Your friend did the right thing. Man, no good deed goes unpunished.

    • Mpls

      The fact that he doesn’t have tags displayed is a problem for him, and he would have learned his lesson in the form of a fine. He knows he parked there, so her saying something just makes it seem like she’s playing hall monitor I guess. Not really in the wrong, but unnecessary?

      And even as much as I know someone, I wouldn’t assume that he’s not disabled – there are non-visible issues that can get you qualified for handicapped parking (but again, you still get the tags).

      If it were a case of him doing it once, I probably wouldn’t have said anything. If it were multiple times, I might mention it to an office manager (hey – I’ve been noticing an untagged car in the handicapped spot). But unless I needed that spot as a handicapped person, I probably wouldn’t have said anything to him directly.

      As for now – I imagine HR was CYA with a disable person complaint, so she chalks it up to the type of guy he is, learns her lesson, and moves forward.

    • Clementine

      No, this is how I would have handled this situation as well.

      I’ve always worked with the assumption that when someone says/does something I find to be inappropriate or over some line, I address it with them directly, unless I feel that doing so would be harmful to myself or those around me. Second line is to begin with reporting procedures.

      If I may share though- I would be careful to never use the term ‘she knows he is not disabled’. People have both ‘visible’ and ‘invisible’ disabilities and some of those (i.e., MS, fibromyalgia, etc.) can be intermittently fully disabling. Stick to absolute facts- no hang tag or plate means no park.

      • New Associate

        That is true. You really never know. I think it was the lack of tags and the fact that since they were “friends” she believed she knew about whether he has a disability. But you are right that you can’t ever assume that someone is not disabled. Unfortunately, I think here, the guy is more just retaliating against her for her offhand comment. I think it was an extreme action by him but I wanted to see what you all think. Thanks for the responses so far!

        • Question

          Does the fact that HR is taking this up mean that perhaps he is in fact disabled and entitled to park there? Otherwise, might they have had a talking-to with him (and nothing for your friend)?

          If he were in the wrong in parking where he did, this would remind me of people calling the police to complain about the potency of their pot.

          • New Associate

            There is a chance I do not know the whole story. From what I gather, he was not supposed to be parked in the spot.

          • Anon

            Most likely. He also could have just been telling them he’s being hassled for parking where he’s allowed to and it may not have anything to do with your friend. In general, don’t hassle people about using anything for the disabled,you really don’t known what’s going on. Most people don’t abuse things and need them.

          • Anonymous

            My spouse is disabled and we have a pass. I’m sympathetic to the “hidden disabilities” concept, but to park in those spaces, he needed a pass. He’s more in the wrong here.

        • anonforthis

          I used to think one kid we went to law school with was a huge dick for parking in handicap spots all the time. He usually (although not always) had a hang tag displayed, but not handicap plates, and I kind of assumed he either weaseled out of someone or borrowed it from a grandparent, etc. (although I never said anything to him about it). Turns out he has a heart defect that has required multiple surgeries so he isn’t supposed to walk that far so as not to put stress on his heart or else he may eventually need a transplant. After graduation we worked near each other and I learned (and witnessed) that he constantly gets crap from people when he parks in handicap spots.

      • LizNYC

        As a person with one of those invisible disabilities (which, for me, is fortunately not disabling at this time) and as someone who used to drive around her grandmother who had a valid HC pass and could never find a spot, it really grinds me gears to see people blatantly park in these spaces when they aren’t allowed to. New Attorney’s friend did nothing wrong. If he forgot to put up his placard, he would have been like “whoops, need to make that sign more obvious in my car since my FRIEND is questioning my parking place.” His actions speak louder than anything.

        • Celia

          He’s mad because he was caught. People who park in those spaces without eligibility AND the necessary identifying markers should be ashamed of themselves –and I’ve had the handicapped pass but not always used it, because I knew there might be someone who needed that space more than I did.

    • Niktaw

      The coworker may have a temporary condition that makes it difficult or painful to walk the length of a standard office parking lot. In this case, however, he might be able to get a temporary handicapped tag through his doctor. If he discloses this situation to HR, your friend is clearly made out as to be a mean girl, even though he should have gotten the tag.
      However, if the coworker is not disabled he is clearly an a$$ and I am somehow leaning to this explanation. Your friend could have reported an improperly parked car to the building facilities, but I understand that this is a lot ickier than to call someone out in person.

    • Carrie

      Wow. Your friend did absolutely nothing wrong. What she said actually sounds totally benign and non-judgmental. For all she knew, he didn’t realize he was in a handicapped spot. And if he was handicapped, he needed a reminder to put up his placard, and he should be grateful she reminded him.

      As someone who is a caregiver to a disabled father who is severely handicapped and who needs those spots, even we know that if we lost/forgot our handicapped permit, we cannot park in a handicapped spot without one. So if her colleague is handicapped, he would know VERY WELL that he is risking a $250 – $300 ticket (in our town).

      Unfortunately, people are very rarely ticketed for parking in handicapped spots in my area. It is very upsetting to the handicapped community who really need those spots. Especially for those of us who are wheelchair users and cannot even leave our cars unless we find a wide handicapped spot.

      The fact that he reported her for her statement is just bizarre. If he is handicapped, he should have a placard. If he is not, he is acting like an entitled A$$hole and should be embarrassed he admitted to HR what he did.

      So I feel like something is missing from this story….. Your friend was informed of the company’s reporting policies…. reporting what? Reporting people who park in handicapped spaces illegally? If they have such a policy, I guess that’s great (!), but also unusual.

      • Sadie

        Is it a private lot? I ask because at my school, sometimes students with medical excuses are given temporary permission to park in certain handicapped spaces (we have way more than ever get used). They don’t get a tag, parking enforcement just has their plate #’s and knows they are allowed to park there. But our lot is private and only enforced by our parking enforcement.

        • Meg Murry

          Yes, I wondered this as well, especially since he then went to HR about it. Possibly he has HR permission to use the space until he gets his “official” tags, and he’s feeling sensitive about whatever condition it is that causes him to need the handicapped space. For instance, I know one company I worked at made “reserved” parking for a few employees who had medical issues that made it difficult to walk the whole parking lot (like chemo treatments and late stage pregnancies) but didn’t necessarily qualify them for the handicapped tags.

          • Anonymous

            I also wondered this, but it’s not like his coworkers aren’t going to know something is going on when they see his car there every day. Her comment didn’t force him to disclose what that condition is. He could’ve simply responded “I’m aware” and moved on. Getting her in trouble with HR is ridiculous and calls more attention to him if he really is sensitive about it.

    • Wildkitten

      I think there’s enough of a debate on this issue that she shouldn’t worry about feeling shamed.

      • January

        Agreed – and for your friend, lesson learned about her colleague. He’s not her friend.

        • Rosalita

          Agree. I don’t see any problem with her saying something to him, but his behavior is speaking volumes here.

          If I were her, if HR asks, tell the truth, i.e., that he didn’t have a tag and I reminded him he was parked in a handicapped spot. No harm no foul. Perfectly reasonable to do.

    • Maggie P. Dixon

      The fact that he reported her to HR about the comment makes it obvious to me that he was indeed allowed to park in the handicapped spot. I cannot imagine a scenario in which this guy said to HR, “I parked in the handicapped spot illegally and so now I’m reporting someone who gave me grief about it.” he obviously has/had a hidden disability and while he should have displayed at least a hang tag, there are times when the wheels of red tape grind slowly and the hang tag may not have been delivered yet. Or it’s a private lot and the parking people know that he’s allowed to park there. I disagree that he had to justify or explain this to your friend in any way: he’s allowed to keep his medical privacy, even to the point of acknowledging to her that he does indeed have an invisible disability. Too many people with invisible disabilities get too much crap these days from self-appointed handicapped-space parking monitors who should just mind their own business.

  7. Bri

    Now that the weather is (finally) getting warmer, does anyone have recommendations for sunless tanners? Any product under $50 is fine. For what it’s worth, I am very pale and blonde. All recommendations are appreciated!

    • Anon

      I was just coming here to ask this very question! I haven’t used any since the early 2000’s and was wondering if they still have that chemically smell. I have seen some recommendations for Tan Towels, so they may be worth a try.

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t used it yet, but I did some extensive review-reading a month or two ago because I have your same coloring and it is already “sundress weather” here. Based on that research, I am going to try Clinique’s Self Sun lotion. It had great reviews for efficacy and price per oz. Some of the other highly rated ones cost quite a bit for a very small package–Tan Towel is one example of this.

    • MJ

      I am really fair-skinned and I like the Jergens ones. They win all the Allure awards each year. Good price, good result.

    • Baconpancakes

      Bri, when you try one you like, can you report back? I’m very pale and blonde, and even the lightest, build-a-tan lotions look orangey on me after three applications (and you’re supposed to apply it every day). I think pale blonde coloring tends to be different from pale brunette coloring, so let me know if anything works for you!

    • xen tan

      I recommend Xen Tan. You can buy it on Amazon. I like it because the undertones are completely olive/brown as opposed to orange, so the tan looks incredibly natural. I apply it with latex gloves.

    • Anonymous

      Clarins sunless tanning gel (not milk). I have celtic heritage and extremely pale skin, and this gives me a natural and beautiful tan, never orangey or un-even. Once I tried it, I never tried another product.

  9. In House

    For the in-house lawyers: how often do you run into the problem where your business people just don’t want to listen to you? I’m finding that I’m really popular when there’s a fire to be put out, but when my answer is something people don’t want to hear my advice is ignored. My husband says this is a fact of in-house life.

    Right now I’m dealing with a “this could lead to you getting sued and there’s another way to go about it that doesn’t pose the same risk” problem rather than a “call the authorities” or “major major fines” problem, so it’s not that big of a deal.

    I’m the only lawyer in a company that’s never had an in-house lawyer before, and I’m also kind of young (31). I think I’m also struggling with feeling like I’m not being taken seriously enough. It’s hard to know–when do you fight, and when do you just sit back and let the business people do their thing?

    • Aria

      As in-house counsel it’s our job to advise the business people of the risks fully and then let them make up their own minds. If we get sued as a result, so be it, but at least I can point to an email where I explained the risks of the proposed action and hope that the business people learn for the next time. But at the end of the day, sometimes our corporations have to take legal risks to succeed and it’s our job to advise and manage those risks, not to stop them from taking risks.

    • Anonymous

      I consider my job to be outlining the legal ramifications of their buisness decisions. When business people disagree with my advice, I tend to try to have it in writing somewhere, and confirm that they’re making their choice knowing the risks, and understanding that there is another alternative. It’s not my job to police them, it’s my job to tell them the law and make sure they understand the risks.

      If I worked in compliance, I’d have a different answer, but I don’t. I really only fight back when it’s a call the authorities or major fines situation, otherwise, I risk being in a position of nelly naysayer- and when I do speak up, I am taken seriously.

      • Anonymous

        I should add, this isn’t only a problem in-house. When I was in private practices this happened too. You need to remember that not everyone is looking at just the legal perspective- all clients (in-house, or otherwise), look at financial, technological, interpersonal, and a variety of other things when making their decisions. Our job is to provide them the legal perspective, and let them decide what is best for them.

        • Rosalita

          +1 that this also happens in private practice. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Your only job is to lay out the risks. As long as you’ve done that, you’ve done your job. You can’t make clients follow your advice.

    • NWanalyst

      I’m not an attorney, but I essentially do statistical work, modeling, analysis, that kind of thing… and report my findings to executives. I’m also young, and I have the same issue you do. If the world is ending, they’re willing to listen to anything from me, but otherwise, I’m often somewhat looped out. I didn’t realize that my “secret” job title would be “diplomat”, but that’s how I feel most days. My speciality (data science) is a new one, so any company I’m likely to work for is still getting used to the idea of listening to analysts at all. In a lot of cases, I have to really work to sell people on the idea that our findings are worth listening to. Coming from academia, it was jarring at first to interact with people who didn’t just automatically understand the value of math and science. It sounds like you might be in a situation where people don’t automatically value your legal advice, perhaps because they’re simply not accustomed to considering it.

      I think a lot of this depends on your company culture. But executives that I’ve interacted with seem to have a tendency to be… I don’t know, territorial? If they’re willing to entertain someone else’s idea or modification to a plan, usually they’re already friendly with that person and some degree of trust has been built. For example, there were a couple of people in a different department that I’ve wanted to collaborate with for a year now, with very little success. I thought they didn’t really take me seriously… and then our department was moved to sit in the same area as them. *That very week*, I was asked to work on the exact sort of project I’d been wanting. In other words, how often people see you and how much you interact seems to have a huge effect on your credibility. When I first started at this job, I found that a certain department didn’t really get along with ours, and had a reputation for rejecting our findings. Since I was new to this company, I wanted to familiarize myself with the business, so I started attending their daily management meetings. In less than three months, I had become their go-to person for analysis, and I was doing all sorts of requests for them. Again, face time seems incredibly important. I took these lessons and started focusing on finding opportunities for small talk and jokes, basically anything that helped us be better “friends.”

      That said, I have lost many fights. I’ve asked for advice around this, and the best rule of thumb I’ve come up with is to stop fighting when you feel that the relationship will likely be damaged if you continue. As long as people’s feelings aren’t hurt, you can keep pressing your case. But I’ve learned the hard way that if I push once egos/emotions have gotten involved, I can permanently damage my ability to influence those people later.

      How long have you been with this company? Do you interact with the people you advise on a daily basis? Has anything at all seemed to help you connect and build trust, at any point?

    • Anon

      Honestly, rarely. You may need to spend some time figuring out the business needs and balancing your advice accordingly, or get better at being more persuasive where there really is a problem. The best legal way is often not the best business way, and you need to be able to recognize how big of a deal your legal issues really are. Sometime more risk is fine. You can get there and what you describe is common for people who are new to being in house. Spend some time with people who’ve been in longer than you and maybe bounce your advice off some other lawyers in your group before you go to the business.

    • Coach Laura

      As someone who has worked with in-house (and outside) counsel for 30 years (finance) I value in-house counsel who logically outline the risks and provide as clear an answer as possible (realizing that there are lots of gray areas). Over time, relationships are developed and deepened and that may be what you’re facing there, especially since you’re the first in-house counsel. It’s not necessarily that you’re young/female it just takes a while. As others have said, a well-written email with pros, cons, issues and potential ramifications is the best way to get your points across and protect you if things go wrong and over time you’ll prove your worth by understanding the issues, the personalities and the conflicts in your particular company. Some in-house networking might help – have lunch with the power-players or coffee in the lunchroom or happy hour, depending on the rituals at that company.

    • lucy stone

      I’m government in-house. This happens to me all the time. I have the advantage that our insurance company will not cover people who act against my legal advice if we end up getting in trouble, so that is a hammer to hold over their heads. If I still think they’re going to go the other way, I’ll send an email as described by the above posters outlining everything as a CYA move.

  10. Update - Government Job/Salary Negotiation

    I really appreciate the advice I received here on negotiating for a fed job, so I though I would share my results. The agency was not able to come up on salary (I was hoping to get a higher step within the grade based on my current salary). I was told that due to budget constraints, all new hires in my future department are currently being brought in at step 1, which is a bummer.

    BUT, I was able to get 50% more vacation time (yay!).

    Now I just need to try to stay motivated to bill hours during the long/unpredictable clearance process :)

    • Senior Attorney

      Wow, that’s great! Now hopefully the culture is such that you will be able to take all that vay-cay!

  11. No Problem

    Ladies, I have become THAT woman who puts on her makeup on the bus every morning (though I’m still not THAT AMAZING woman who can do eyeliner while on the bus. Kudos to ladies who are able to do that.).

    What do you admit to being THAT woman about?

    • Orangerie

      Aren’t you concerned about all the germs on buses coming into contact with your makeup? Ick.

      • No Problem

        How would the germs get on my makeup? I store them in a zippered pouch in my purse, and apply it while sitting down. It’s not like my mascara wand touches anything except my eyelashes.

        • No Problem

          And that’s assuming the bus is actually any more germy than my bathroom at home.

          • Monday

            That’s what I was thinking! Pretty much everywhere is disgusting at the micro-organismic level except hospital exam rooms, right? I reapply lipstick wherever I am and have never thought twice about it.

        • Orangerie

          I’d be concerned about people coughing and sneezing on the bus while you have your compacts/mascara/whatever open. Also, germs from your hands after touching rails to board the bus/sit down then being applied directly to your face.

          I seriously hope that a private bathroom is less germy than a public bus.

          • No Problem

            Haha…you obviously don’t know how often I clean my bathroom! Only sorta kidding…

            I guess I could understand the coughing/sneezing concern if it were a crowded bus or I noticed people actually frequently coughed and sneezed on the bus. I always have the whole bench to myself and there’s often nobody even sitting behind me.

            As for the general touching stuff…I just honestly don’t really think it’s any worse than all the other surfaces I touch at home or at the office. I can’t say I usually wash my hands before applying makeup when I’m at home, either. And I’ve never noticed anything growing in my makeup and never had an eye infection.

            Maybe I’m also admitting to being THAT woman who isn’t a germophobe, even when maybe I should be!

          • Orangerie

            Ha, I guess I am THAT germaphobe but my bathroom gets cleaned once a week and I wipe down certain surfaces daily. Also always wash my hands before putting on makeup.

            FWIW I ride the bus to work daily in SF and it’s always crowded and scuzzes me out. I basically shower as soon as I get home.

          • Rosalita

            I clean my bathroom when it’s really noticably dirty. Honestly, it could be months.

            I think there were semesters in college where I did not wash my sheets for an entire semester. I don’t shower as soon as I’m off public transportation.

            I’m one of these people that think dirt and germs are good to build our immune systems. :)

          • No Problem

            I just can’t motivate myself to clean that often! As a consequence, I pretty much never have company over except for my boyfriend. I stare at the dust bunnies and think, gosh, I should sweep the floor. And then I don’t. If I had the budget for it, I’d probably hire a maid.

            But it’s time for spring cleaning, so I’ll probably clean everything from top to bottom pretty soon.

      • LilyB

        I’m sorry but I really think you could have at least held it til you were on your floor- why should innocent people be subjected to that in a small enclosed space? UGH

    • Monday

      I am often that woman who didn’t bring in food when everyone else did. It’s a combination of me hating to cook and being terrible at it, plus riding public transportation everywhere and not wanting to deal. There’s always more food than needed and I hope I am a good guest, friend and coworker in all other ways. ( I do bring drinks or candy when they are welcome.)

    • TO Lawyer

      Totally did my nails in my office earlier this week. Revoke my c-r3tte card now ladies

    • emeralds

      I’m THAT woman who always talks about feminism and Health at Every Size, both on this website and in life.

      I was also THAT woman walking around with chipped nail polish this week. One chipped visibly Tuesday night, the rest started chipping seriously Thursday, and I was just too danged busy to deal with it before this morning. (In other news, I’m THAT woman who got a complex from [thissite] about not having perfect nails.)

    • Anonymous

      If I have committed mentally to a meal at home that involves bread, and I open the bread to find a small mold spot, I tear off the mold and eat the rest of the bread. Yep, I know the spores have infected the entire bag. I don’t care.

      • Kathryn

        Solidarity. You’re toughening up your immune system for the future! (Half kidding, but that’s what I tell myself when I do stuff like this. Often).

          • Anonymous

            Haha I’m glad to find others who do this. One of my college friends saw me do it once and she made me feel like I was the most disgusting human ever (in a joking way)

      • Going anon for this one

        I’ve totally done that too. And with cheese (though I think that’s more acceptable?).

        When I used to take the train and sit in the 3-seater, I was THAT woman who would put her bag(s) in the middle seat so no one would sit next to me. Especially on Fridays.

    • Anon for this

      Sometimes, I am that woman who just does the bare minimum – and I don’t feel guilty at all.

      Cue Jennifer Aniston in Office Space being counseled about her “flare” and not “expressing herself” and her confusion that she has the number of flare that the policy says is required.

      • Silvercurls

        I am THAT woman whose inner opinions can act like the Tasmanian Devil whenever they escape. Y’all probably know this mental image: Two wildly waving arms, one enormous mouth spewing incoherent verbiage, and, underneath, two skinny legs that allow the whole dysfunctional mess to move around.

        This description isn’t mine! Credit goes to Steve Lopez–if I’m recalling correctly–or another long-ago newspaper columnist describing a then-aspiring presidential nominee who spent the months prior to the party convention “running around like the Tasmanian Devil.” I’m not going to identify the particular candidate except to say that he had hoped to represent one of the two major parties in the U.S. (The party nominated someone else.) I remembered this description because I agreed with the columnist that the politician in question not only had the wisdom of a fire hydrant but was behaving similarly in gushing/blasting/expressing his opinions.

    • Lily student

      I’m THAT woman who has a shower every second day, (except when it’s hot, obviously) – I don’t get sweaty every day so I don’t need to shower every day!

      Also I’m THAT woman whose hair looks fantastic after air drying itself with no attention or product. Sorry ladies

    • zora

      I am THAT tourist who is going to embarrass my friend all weekend bc I will have my camera out and am taking pictures of Everything. I know, so lame. sorry NOLA! ;-)

  12. Anonymous

    Ladies,

    I have a leg injury that makes wearing anything but sneakers pretty much unbearable. Obviously that won’t fly at the office and most of my work outfits are fit to wear with at least a little bit of a heel – does anyone have suggestions on super comfortable shoes with a shorter heel (or even insoles?) that I can get away with around the office? I have just been suffering through wearing my usual work shoes but I don’t think I can take it much longer. Thanks!

    • L

      Orthofeet (shudder) or Clarks are pretty ugly but appropriate and comfortable. Add an insert (I like superfeet) and you feel as though you’re wearing a sneaker.

    • Anonymous

      Wear sneakers. Would a man who busted his foot be trying to find a good shoe, or would he be wearing sneakers lost past his healing time and boring his associates with his tale of woe and sharing it with all his clients? Just wear the damn sneakers already.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with this. Also, if you have comfortable flats, you can do a “temporary” hem job on your pants with binder clips or those little hem magnets.

      • tesyaa

        My boss’s boss, who always dresses super-nicely, had to wear an ugly shoe due to a foot injury. She called attention to it in a humorous way in a huge staff meeting, which was a great way to handle it. Better than wearing clunky, ugly shoes and pretending you suddenly want to be frumpy.

      • Olivia Pope

        Yes, some men would.

        Nevertheless, I agree. Wear sneakers/flats and temporarily raise your hems. I bet those sneaker-style ballet flats would be comfortable.

      • Lily student

        I agree. You could get some black leather sneakers (I know low-top Chuck Taylors come in black leather) to help them blend in a little

      • thistle

        I agree. As someone who has broken toes several times, I just turn up in training shoes (ones with a pretty stiff sole to stop flexing). I’ve also worn hiking boots in the winter when a toe went then. The first time I explained myself to everyone and apologised for the change in footwear, but the last twice I didn’t bother and I only once had a comment (and that was from someone who didn’t notice the shoes but thought I’d shrunk a bit!).

        You would be surprised how many people just won’t notice… or care!

    • Question

      I had this once (not a neuroma, but something like it, so could barely put weight on a foot for a good two weeks). I wore closed heel Sanita clogs and pants (or with black tights b/c it was winter). Nothing else worked and I’m going to need these feet to last me a lifetime.

    • No Problem

      Why can’t you just wear the sneakers around the office? I understand that going to court or a client meeting might be different, but can’t you just explain to anyone who sees you why you’re wearing them? When I bruised a bone in my foot last year I also had to wear sneakers for about two weeks, per doctor’s orders. I just told people I’d injured my foot running and it was NBD. Same thing has happened for another woman who is transitioning off the boot she had for her broken ankle. Nobody is batting an eye that she’s wearing sneakers instead of heels!

      You have an injury! Don’t make it worse or prolong it by wearing improper footwear.

    • SoCal Gal

      You should describe your condition and email Kirsten at barkingdogshoes dot com. She specializes I. Suggesting comfortable shoes for folks with foot problems and is very helpful. Her website has many suggestions too. You can email her on her website or on her Facebook page.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, I will definitely do this! I love the suggestions about the sneakers but I meet a lot of people from outside the company and it wouldn’t feel right/would be a pain to explain repeatedly. Plus, it may be a longer term problem I will have to deal with because it seems to be caused by the shoes themselves. I have sciatica, but it’s stemming from my legs due to the muscles getting too tight and causing nerve pain. Heels make the muscles tighten more, causing more pain. Therapy should hopefully help to fix it in a month or so, but this has happened more than once so I am a little worried that I won’t be able to go back to my beloved heels for good (or at least, not as often as I’d like). I am very physically active but its always the darn shoes that send me back to the doc! Hemming and flats might be a good alternative in the meantime (although at 5’1, bad for the pride ;) ).

    • Anon

      I wear those atheltic-looking flats that sort of look like ballet flats, but have support and have elastic straps. I don’t know that the proper term for them is. Dansko clogs are supposed to be very comfortable and I think they have a heel, if that works for your injury.

    • Aggie

      I had ankle surgery last year and transitioned from a boot to a pair of loafers with an orthotic quite seamlessly. I ended up buying a pair of mens black loafers from the Rack that were a little big, but fit with my orthotic. (I used regular insoles to accommodate my non injured foot.) I also own a pair of completely black Nikes that I would not hesitate to wear should the need arise. Neon trainers might be another story.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Yes. Black sneakers that waitresses wear would be perfect. They wouldn’t stand out like white or neon and you can get wide ones if your foot is swelling.

    • LizNYC

      When I sprained my ankle a few years ago and had to be with a walking brace for two+ weeks, I wore sneakers during that time. I’m not a lawyer and was in a more casual office, but even then, sneakers every day were unusual. But they were literally the only thing I would wear (it was either that or agony).

      I vote sneakers because it’ll mean a quicker healing time and the faster you can get back into more professional-looking shoes.

    • Rosalita

      Would Clarks or Merrils work? I recently bought some Merrils of ebay that are work-appropriate.

  13. ss

    This top is a shape I like a lot, especially for travel, because it works tucked in under a suit during the day, and again with leggings, a longer cardi and flats for a flight, a casual evening out or loafing around a hotel room. Particularly nice if in silk.

  14. Anonymous

    help!

    I accidentally threw one of my favorite hammered silk blouses in the wash. I managed to pull it out when throwing the rest of the load in the dryer.

    I left it to air dry, and it’s less saturated in color, and much stiffer. I don’t mind the change in color too much, but I do wish that I could get it back to the soft, silky texture as before.

    Suggestions on how to fix it? Or is it completely unfixable?

    I love this blouse, but I’ve had it 6 years. So, if it’s gone, it’s gone. I got it on sale, wore the hell out of it, and loved it. I am not finding much on google about how to fix it (or if it’s possible).

    • tesyaa

      This same question has come up many times on thissite. The recommendation that sounded best was pressing it with a lot of steam (or having a professional cleaner steam press it).

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, I’m new here, and just tried to search and found some other comments. Thank you!

        • Anon

          Be careful about steaming it yourself – if you hold the steamer in one place for too long, you can get water spots.

    • Mpls

      Iron with the silk setting ( cooler with a little steam). Use a silk organza pursuing cloth if you want. Wearing it ( body heat) will also soften it up some.

  15. Scared, but now with a plan!

    I wrote a comment a couple days ago about my anxiety with money and the future, aka the bag lady syndrome. Many of you had very thoughtful comments. Shoutout to Coach Laura! Many of you also recommended therapy. I’ve read each comment carefully and want to say I appreciate your feedback. For various reasons, I will not pursue therapy at this point.

    Instead, here are the 10 steps I’ve decided to take:
    1. Actively reflect on how fortunate I am in the grand scheme of things, and even in the not-so-grand financial scheme of things. I may always been concerned about money and financial security, but there’s productive stress and unproductive stress. I need to utilize the former and decrease the latter. Yoga, meditation, and mindfulness exercises are important.

    2. Double down on saving. This means saving $30K in 2014, $30K in 2015, $50K in 2016 assuming my partner gets a full time job after she finishes grad school in early 2016. This means getting a cheaper apartment, stop shopping, and eat out less.

    3. LEAN IN. My short-term goal is to get the promotion at the end of 2016 – moving up instead of out. If that happens and my partner gets a full-time job by then, then we can save $50K for retirement in 2017. This means, baring another Great Recession and assuming we both are employed in relatively high paying jobs, we’ll have $400K in retirement by our mid-30s – maybe even $500K depending on equity growth. I don’t have clarity on our job situation after that, and of course things will change, but I hope to be able to save $50K+/year for retirement during our 30s and 40s, likely our peaking earning years. For the long-term, always keep the next step in mind in my long-term prospects – what skills and expertise do I need in order to build my professional reputation and possibly strike out later on my own if necessary.

    4. No non-mortgage debt. We have $20K in student loans right now due to be paid off in 2016. We are committed to not having debt other than a mortgage from 2016 to forever and forever, amen.

    5. Save for a 20% down payment and purchase home by 35, with a plan to pay off my primary home by age 55 at the latest. This will alleviate one of my biggest fears – that of being laid off and on the streets. If we have a paid-off home, it’ll be much easier to get by, as mortgage is usually the biggest expense in a monthly budget. I will also be able to rent out a room or two in my home to pay for my property taxes and food costs at that point.

    6. “Buy” happiness in the right way. I love vacations, so that will be my primary spending on fun. Otherwise, we want to adopt a minimalist lifestyle, easing from the habit of acquisition.

    7. Meet with a financial advisor once we get to the half million mark in retirement assets. I am confident managing our asset allocation through index funds in the meantime.

    8. Buy ample disability insurance. Have catastrophic health insurance at all times.

    9. Commit to being a dual-income household, unless we experience involuntary unemployment, whether or not we have a child. Consider very carefully about whether we want to have a child.

    10. Understand that as long as our health is good, my partner and I have a high likelihood of making at least $30K total in inflation-adjusted terms. Once we have a paid-off home, that money will be enough to keep us fed, clothed, and insured (GO ACA!). Which is why #5 is so important.

    I believe all of these steps are reasonable, actionable, and will improve my future well-being both financially and emotionally.

    • Anonymous

      Nope. Not reasonable. Not flexible. Not realistic. You owe it to yourself and your partner to get professional help.

      • Meg Murry

        Yes, I think your goals are very extreme, and what will you do if you don’t hit them? Or if one of you does get hit by a bus or other life catastrophe.

        Honestly, I don’t know if there is a specific term for this, but it sounds an awful lot like a financial version of anorexia. If you saw a person who said “I currently have a BMI thats just at the edge between too thin and dangerously thin, but I want to lose 10 more pounds, so here’s how I’m going to do it: I’m going to eat 800 calories this week, 700 calories next week and then 500 calories after that until I’m 10 pounds lighter” you would tell them they need help, right? Because in the end, anorexia is about control, and you seem to be applying the same type of thinking to financial control.

        Steps 1, 5, and 8 seem like reasonable, if a bit extreme goals. Everything else is too much, and your anxiety will be 2x as bad if you don’t hit those goals. Remember how we’ve discussed on this site and elsewhere how fashion magazines are all photoshop and just trying to lower your self esteem to encourage you to buy more? A lot of the financial “advise” is the same type of scare tactics – “have $1M in the bank by age 35 or you’ll be on the street someday”! Totally not true, just trying to scare you into using their services!

        • Scared, but now with a plan!

          If we get hit by a bus, we’ll deal with that. (We’re also both DNR for quality of life reasons). But, look, that’s something I have much less control over whether I save $5K or $50K a year for retirement, at least at my current financial ability.

          I’ve heard that argument about financial companies scaring people into saving more. I suppose at the end of the day I’d rather have saved “too much” than “too little.”

      • L

        +1000. Googling assisted suicide options is NOT A FINANCIAL ISSUE! Use your insurance and get therapy.

      • anon

        Yeah, I doubt you’ll ever feel secure, no matter how much money you have in the bank. This plan doesn’t solve your real problem, which is most likely psychological, not financial.

    • Ginjury

      While being more intentional about your spending and saving as much as you can is great, I still think you should see a therapist about your anxiety issues. You’re really overthinking all this and just reading it stresses me out.

      • Anon for This

        +1,000,000. If your partner does not share this exact same philosophy, I would imagine your plan would have the potential to be quite damaging to your relationship. I’m quite frugal, but your plan would drive me absolutely batsh*t insane. What is the purpose of working and living life if you are not going to “live” it and enjoy it? What if you save all that $$ for retirement and develop cancer at age 60?

        • Scared, but now with a plan!

          I forgot to mention, but my partner is 100% on board with our goal of financial security and we plan to save for retirement in addition to all the fun things we’ll do. Hence the importance of getting, then holding, relatively high paying jobs for as long as we can. Our HHI should be get to $250K when we both get post-grad school jobs, so $50K saved for retirement is reasonable.

    • Anonymous

      To be honest, it sounds more like you are feeding the anxiety than addressing it. I am not a therapist or anything close to it, but I am overly anxious and recognize this as similar to reactions I’ve had to disproportionate anxiety. It feels empowering to come up with a detailed plan like this, but it just ends up shifting the object of your anxiety to something else. You can then make a plan for that, but eventually you’ll be consumed with making ten-point plans to address every minor stressor in your life, when that’s not the most productive approach. I think therapy to retrain your brain to not validate these anxieties could be very helpful, at least based on my experience.

      • prof on a bike

        Yes. As someone with anxiety issues (and who has been in therapy for them for a while), I also think that these steps are more likely to feed your anxiety than to relieve it over the long term because they don’t address the root problem. Much of generalized anxiety is fundamentally about uncertainty and a lack of control over an uncertain future — you might think that more planning is going to make you feel better because you’re more in control, but all it does is feed the underlying intolerance of uncertainty and your fear that you’re incapable of handling whatever the future will throw at you. You will never be able to be 100% certain that you’ll always be financially secure, and you’re going to end up creating more and more unlikely scenarios in your head and more and more unrealistic goals for yourself to cope with them. The long term solution is to find a happy medium between being a responsible adult who takes reasonable precautions for future financial security and recognizing that not all situations can (or should be) planned for. Trying to plan for all possible scenarios is a fundamentally unattainable goal, and is going to make your anxiety worse in the end.

    • LilyB

      I’m sorry, I’m not a professional but you really sound like you need help. I understand wanting to be financially secure but this just seems a little over-the-top.

      • LilyB

        If your own peace of mind isn’t enough reason to seek therapy, I would suggest that you should do it for the people around you; I’m not sure if this is something you often bring up around other people, but if I had a friend/family member/colleague who talked about this kind of stuff frequently, it would definitely make me feel uncomfortable and question whether that person was someone I wanted to spend time with. No one wants to discuss money that much and you don’t want to unintentionally seem like Scrooge.

        • Anonymous

          Also, you can impose those anxieties on those around you who are susceptible to anxiety already. I acquired my financial anxiety from my mother always worrying in front of me, and telling me how she never slept because of her money fears.

          • tesyaa

            Same here! My father was always worried about money because he grew up during the Depression, and he passed it along to me.

          • tidewater

            Yikes, just reading the comments from yesterday and today have given me anxiety–I’m about your age, and my partner and I have law school loans to repay and nowhere near as much income or savings.

            Let’s be honest–you don’t have any money problems to worry about. Life happens and you are in a better position than most. Please pursue therapy if these are real concerns you that you have.

        • Scared, but now with a plan!

          Trust, I do not discuss finances with strangers or friends unless they ask, and then it’s very specific answers to very specific questions. (Or, “I don’t know, but there are a few websites that has helped me out!”)

    • s-non

      I’ve read some pretty crazy things here during my time on this site, and this might be the craziest.

      • anon

        Seriously. This site definitely attracts perfectionist, driven, type A people, but the OP’s attitude is taken way to the extreme.

    • Anonymous

      These are great steps, but will caution you that if the underlying issue is anxiety (which, it sounded like to me), once you “resolve” your anxiety in one area of your life, it’s likely to reincarnate in another. Therapy is a great step.

    • CHJ

      I have to agree with the others. Especially when seeing #9. You seem to be doing just fine financially, and yet you’re going to let your money anxieties dictate whether or not you have children? These anxieties are ruling your life, and you shouldn’t have to live like that.

      • Scared, but now with a plan!

        Not dictating, but a consideration. If I am 100% committed to having kids, then no, I don’t believe we should let money prevent us. But I’m not 100% sure, or even 50% sure, and so I don’t see anything wrong in evaluating what impact children would have on our finances.

      • Rosalita

        Agree with this. Please reconsider getting professional help.

        And professional financial advisors are just as important if you have $2000 to save. They are not just for “rich” people who have saved half a million dollars.

    • Anon

      A few thoughts:

      1) I’m exhausted just reading this. You sound incredibly stressed out.

      2) I’m also picturing Jessie Spano in my head right now, telling us all about her financial plans for the future – “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so….SCARED!”

    • Stormborn

      Yikes dude. Honestly, I really think you should explore therapy. You are really not getting that you have an axiety problem, not a money problem. When you have an axiety problem, it will continue to find ways to mess with you. My DH has one and it was at first about drinking. He stopped drinking. Then it was about germs. He went to therapy and is soooo much better. Your problem is not the money. Get help.

    • LizNYC

      Please get a counselor / therapist / some sort of professional to help you with #1 and then go from there. Mindfulness is hard to do on your own without a good springboard to jump from (and sometimes, it can veer into anxiety and obsession).

      These goals are nice but leave no room for errors or outside influences you can’t control.

    • Anon

      I also stress about money and I have just in the past week accepted that I have been struggling with an anxiety problem for years and I am getting help for it. My anxiety is nowhere at the extreme that your’s appears to be, though. It is such a simple step. You are willing to go to such extremes to make sure you are financially secure in your future, so why would you refuse to take a very minor step to make sure that you are emotionally secure (and HAPPY!! – sorry Ellen caps) in your future?

    • AnonLawMom

      Look, I totally understand why you feel the need to be totally financially secure. Really. Financial security gives you freedom to make choices you otherwise couldn’t and take fun risks. But, you are going to give yourself some sort of stress-induced illness before you get to enjoy that money. You are practically giving me a panic attack just reading that.

      Life is not all about what you can do when you retire or when you are 40 or when when when. Life is happening. To you. Right now. Please explore ways to be financially responsible while also leading a full, happy, life today. If I were your therapist (caveat, I’m not a therapist!), I would give you a homework assignment: take out some friends, go to a bar, nice restaurant, spa, whatever, and treat them. Spend money you never would normally on people you love (or just like). And then think about how great it felt to do that.

      • sunglasses

        “Financial security gives you freedom to make choices you otherwise couldn’t and take fun risks. But, you are going to give yourself some sort of stress-induced illness before you get to enjoy that money. ” +1.

        This. It’s one thing to have enough money so that you aren’t living from paycheck to paycheck wondering about how to pay for rent and food, but it’s another to be so obsessive over it and save for $50k/YEAR right now in retirement. I nearly laughed out loud at the OP post because I’m just a year or two younger than she is and I have approx ~$5K in retirement savings, had all my regular savings wiped out last year by a stint of unemployment, a roommate who didn’t pay rent or utility bills on time, and massive car problems, and I make wayyy under $50/k a year not to mention living in the DC/MD suburbs. But you know what? I’m fine now in 2014 and I’m not letting money worries take over my life. When I was worrying about money last year I got pretty ill and I’m sure it was somewhat stress induced so my immune system couldn’t fight back a regular fever.

        Dear OP – you have a lot of money by most people’s standards. And even the best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry.

    • Diana Barry

      Not reasonable. You owe it to yourself, your partner, your family, and the other people in your life to get therapy.

  16. Dallas Meet Up This Sunday!

    Dallas area ‘r e t t e s, join us for a meet up this Sunday at 12:30 at Taverna (Knox/Henderson). Email dallas[this site]meetup @ the google mail if you’re interested. Hope to see you there!

  17. French Braid Challenged

    Hi,

    I love the look of a french braid or a small one going down the side – not for work for weekends. I can’t seem to actually do this to myself though. I checked amazon for tools and the few listed get mixed reviews. Any help is appreciated :) Also, happy Friday!

    • Monday

      YouTube tutorial? I find the how-to beauty videos delightful. I think this is much more about just learning what to do than about any tool.

    • January

      Work on strengthening your triceps so your arms don’t get tired while you’re attempting to braid your hair (especially if you’re like me and have to do it several times).

    • Gail the Goldfish

      YouTube tutorial and lots of practice. Perhaps counter-intuitively, maybe try while not looking in a mirror? It may help to get the feel of what you’re doing down. Also, if you’ve got a few bumps at the end, they’re pretty easily smoothed out with a fairly fine comb.

      They are also really hard to get right if you have layers in your hair. I’m actually trying to gradually get rid of my layers so I can start doing braids again without random pieces sticking out.

    • Mpls

      Just practice. Tools won’t help. Have to learn to do it be feel. I agree with not looking in the mirror. I often find myself closing my eyes to focus on what my hands are doing.

      • Mpls

        Maybe start practicing with wet hair? It doesn’t get as slippery as dry and tends to clump little better.

        • roses

          Actually I find it much easier to practice dry but to wet my hands while doing it. Provides that essential “grip”.

    • anonsg

      Practice helps. Start by french braiding a friend’s hair, so you know how it’s supposed to go. When I frenchbraid my hair I don’t look in a mirror, you just touch and try to see whether there are bumps. For sectioning hair I just section the part of the hair that’s left on my head where the braid has gotten to, so that you’re consistently going down without pulling hair from weird places.. not sure if this makes sense by describing lol.

    • Mountain Girl

      I have spent entirely too much time the last few days on that website. I have probably 12 things in my cart right now. And, I got an email that said I was only 254 points away from a reward card.

      And, I am in love with a couple of skirts at Ann Taylor right now. LOVE!!!

      I am probably going to need new shoes if I buy new skirts and sweaters for summer.

      I. AM. SO. IN. TROUBLE. and I haven’t even actually spent any money yet.

  19. emeralds

    This is random but how do you decide when you need to just. stop. browsing. and pick a d**n dress? I’m looking for something for an upcoming event, and just cannot make a decision, because apparently I like everything, and it turns out there are approximately 3847509287598 options in my size and price range.

    With that said…here are a couple of my top contenders, if anyone has any thoughts. Event will be daytime and outdoors; think Derby party/Lilly Pulitzer for someone whose actual style is not Derby party/Lilly Pulitzer.

  20. military gf

    Recs for somewhere nature-y to stay in Virginia/Maryland within a few hours of DC? My boyfriend and I would like to stay somewhere about 2 days – not too expensive, within close distance of rigorous hiking, and maybe off the beaten pat. Ideally, it’d be some kind of cabin where we could cook for ourselves but is not too rustic. A b&b or just a hotel might work too. Ideas?

    • Anon Too

      Maybe Skyland Resort or Big Meadows Lodge? I’m not sure they would be off the beaten path enough for you, though.

    • emeralds

      Somewhere near Front Royal, VA? Maybe Bentonville if you want something more rural. Rappahannock County…Sperryville is tiny and adorable, and has a couple of B&Bs. I’d imagine you could find a cabin without too much trouble. Madison County as well, near Syria or Etlan. There are a lot of rental cabins around there, because of Old Rag and White Oak Canyon. So obviously, that’s rigorous hiking; not sure if that’s enough off the beaten path for you, if your “beaten path” is hiking-y.

      Also, that sounds like a really fun trip! I keep wanting to get a cabin near White Oak Canyon for a weekend but it keeps not working out.

    • Bewitched

      We stayed at Cacapon Resort State Park in WV, in cabins, about 2 years ago. Definitely off the beaten path, but decent. We took a couple of long hikes, there is a pond with boats for fishing, maybe a pool too? It has a golf course and decent restaurant within walking distance. Nothing fancy but you may want to take a look. It would be in your driving distance, I think.

    • Rosalita

      West Virginia! Tucker County has all kinds of cabins, B&Bs, and great hiking and outdoors. About 3 hours from DC. Google Canaan Valley State Park and Tucker County. Blackwater Falls State Park has cabins (think cottages, with full kitchen, etc) that are only a few years old and in a gorgeous area.

  21. how soon?

    How soon do you ask a guy you’re dating about whether or not he wants kids? Asking on the first few dates seems too soon, but at the same time, it makes sense. I mean, why get involved if you don’t want the same things?

    But I’ve seen friends wait too long to ask and regret it. What do you do?

    • LizNYC

      For DH and me, it came up naturally after maybe 3-4 months of dating. We were out in NYC and saw people with their broods of 3-4 kids. I think I remarked that I didn’t know how people raised multiple kids in the city (I know many, many do, but this suburban-raised girl just isn’t that good!) and from there, we started talking kids in general. (It wasn’t like “Oh, I want them with YOU!” but like “I’ve always seen myself with X number living here.”)

    • hoola hoopa

      DH and I weren’t messing around. It came up on date 2 or 3. Like LizNYC said, it was number of kids, not with whom.

      We both had previous LTR where the kids/no kids was one (of many) primary issues.

      • Rosalita

        +1. DH and I both wanted kids and we were 30+, so didn’t want to waste our time with someone who didn’t. I think it probably came up on the first date.

        If you’re on date 3-4, then I don’t think it’s too early. It doesn’t have to be about kids with him, just, “What are you looking for in a relationship?” If he says he’s just messing around and doesn’t want anything serious, you know the answer.

        Honestly, I think it’s almost better to bring it up earlier, because then he doesn’t necessarily think you’re saying, “Do you want kids with me,” because that would be crazy on the first few dates.

        • how soon?

          Thanks, ladies. This is what I feared. I’m two months in with a fantastic guy, but we haven’t talked about kids yet. I know I have to bring it up… *deep breath*

          • Rosalita

            He may be a fantastic guy, but if you have a goal in mind and it doesn’t match his, then he’s not a fantastic guy *for you*.

          • LizNYC

            I think if you make it a casual conversation that follows naturally from conversation (like seeing cute kids playing in a park while you’re out together) rather than a more formal sit-down, it should go OK and not seemed forced. If it doesn’t, well, that might tell you more about him than anything else. I hope it goes well! :)

    • Parfait

      I asked my current fella on like date number two, because I had just broken up with a man who wanted kids and I know for a fact I don’t want any. He said “Dear god, no!” and I said “Oh thank god!” and it’s been lovely ever since.

  22. Dallas dress?

    What are people wearing in Dallas on weekends thsi time of year? I’m going to be in town for this weekend only to visit family. I’m coming in from a part of the country that still has snow on the ground, so I’m having a hard time mixing my still-winter wardrobe and my summertime one.

    I’ve got jeans…and some short sleeved shirts?

    • Anonymous

      You’ll be hot in jeans during the day if you’re going to be outside. It is definitely breezy dress or shorts weather already. And if you sweat at all like I do, it’s already time for sleeveless.

    • txatty

      I’m at the jeans/short-sleeves or shorts/long-sleeves stage of dressing for the weather. Not quite warm enough for shorts and short sleeves, but we’re also babies when it comes to cold weather. (As I witnessed a woman in a puffer jacket at lunch a few minutes ago – temps are in the high 70s.)

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