ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 250 Comments

Coffee Break: Classic Q Hillier Leather Hobo

Marc by Marc Jacobs Classic Q Hillier Leather HoboOne of these days I'm going to have to add a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag to my collection because I'm constantly drooling over the Classic Q line. I like this leather hobo in contrasting colors — and for once I like the red version better than the blue (although I love the blue accents on the cream). All of the colors are marked 33% off at Nordstrom: they were $428 but are now $286. Marc by Marc Jacobs Classic Q Hillier Leather Hobo (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

250 Comments

      2. Yay! I also LOVED the articel. I can NOT tell you how many time’s I have been a bride’smaid, and I have even been the maid of HONOR twice, but I am still waiteing to be a bride at my OWN wedding. Unfortuneatly, NO man is willing to step up and take me to be their lawfull wedded wife. FOOEY! I think they are all scared of me b/c I am so sucessful and they think I would divorce them after we had a coupel of KID’s! DOUBEL FOOEY. I know that there are alot of women who do that, but If I marry a guy, I would not be so quick to dump him unless he cheated on me. I see my freind’s who are married and some who are divorceing, like Laurie, and they can NOT live the same lifestyle they live when they are MARRIED, even if the husband is a doosh. They have to set up ANOTHER house, with sepearate rent, sepearate dishes and sepearate EVERYTHING, includeing new beds and bedding and furniture. That costs alot of money!

        So they cant go out and have fun like they did before they got divorced, and that is NOT good. Of course if your husband cheat’s then it’s eggzover for him, b/c we will then make him pay forever for chooseing another woman to have sex with on the side. I would never trust his weenie again, b/c I would NOT be confident I knew where it had been, and believe me, with the skanky women I see chaseing other men, you can be sure they have handled alot of questionable weenie’s, so that is NOT for me, no way!

        David will meet me tonight for dinner uptown–we are goieng to eat DELI even tho he does NOT like Deli. I think he realises that I am a hot catch, and he should NOT let me get away, so he is doeing things that I like, even tho he would eat something else. He is now doeing something with artificial inteligence, Dad says, so I will have to ask him about it. I figure that if I pretend to be interested in him, he will do more thing’s that I want and not just want to do what HE want’s. Dad think’s I should give him a full tryout. I am NOT sure what that means, but Myrna says it should involve horizonteal calesthenaics by the third date with him. I have already dated him more then 3 times, but I will not have sex with him tonight. TRIPEL FOOEY!

        2. Not to worry Ellen. There will be a REAL man who will appreciate your talents and ask you to be his wife. In the meantime, don’t be discouraged. Most men simply are not of your caliber, so if they don’t want you, you certainly don’t want them.

      3. That’s awesome. I probably wouldn’t go that far, though. I have a younger friend who has said she would want me to be in her wedding (but they aren’t married after many happy years together). I told her I’m just too old to wear a matchy bridesmaid’s dress and just have no desire to do it, although I would do anything I possibly could to help out. I even offered to plan her wedding when she was in graduate school and living out of state. So there you are. And I had a friend turn me down for the same reason when I got married.

      4. I agree that the amount of money and time being a bridesmaid is absolutely insane. And why do we have to travel for every bachelorette party? When did that become a thing?

        I do love the idea of having my best girlfriends standing beside me as I get married. I’m not ready to give that up.

        FWIW, I’m engaged and getting married in a little over a year. I don’t want a bachelorette party and shower because they would have to travel. We are already planning on paying for their hotel rooms for the weekend to help with the cost.

        This stresses me out and I haven’t even asked anyone to be in my bridal party.

        1. +1! It’s really important to me to not overburden my guests, especially my bridesmaids. That said, I’ve never had anyone pay for my hotel room so you’re super generous/awesome!

        2. We did my bachelorette outing the night of my bridal shower since it was more convenient for those traveling (2 hours from where most of us live, and everyone spent the night at my parents) and paid for hair, makeup, and bridesmaids dresses. Totally worth it – with the budgets for wedding, might as well allocate some to your favorite ladies!

    2. Back in the day, it was just the dress, and a gift. (Although of course if you went to the wedding you’d have bought a gift anyway.) I think these days it has gotten completely out of hand with parties and weekends and hair and makeup and God knows what-all.

      I think the author of the articles makes a good point.

      And you kids? Get off my lawn!

      1. Yeah, I’m a bridesmaid for my sister’s upcoming wedding and I’m trying to walk the line between doing all the stuff to make her happy vs saying “this is stupid” and ignoring all the extra stuff. But if we have to go to one more bridal shop to try on bridesmaid dresses that don’t fit me anyway, I might scream! Love you sis, but you aren’t going to make me and the all rest of the bridesmaids happy – so just pick a dress and I’ll suck it up even if I hate it.

        Although I think a huge part of it may be that so many people don’t live close to their families now. Because all the crazy stuff I hear about that fall into bridesmaid’s laps now are the things that my (super-awesome, amazing, can’t live without them) gaggle of aunts and cousins did. Such as:threw my shower, handled the wedding music, made the phone calls when the A/C wasn’t on an hour before the ceremony at our July wedding, handled the guest book duties, tied ribbons on bubbles, helped us make favors, drove the flowers from the ceremony site to the reception site, etc etc etc. None of them were “officially” in my wedding, its just how things work in my family – they did it for my wedding, and we (my mom & sister and I) do it for theirs.

        1. Oh, and I’ll add – I did take a week off work and fly cross country to help with my very best friend’s wedding. Because she’s my best friend. And I will go above and beyond for my sister for the same reason. But for all the weddings I see with 8-10 bridesmaids, I just look at that and think “now you owe 8-10 people the same level of commitment you asked of them – do you know what you’re signing up for?”

          1. Speaking as one who was one of 7 (or 1 of 10 if you included the junior bridesmaids and flower girls), it’s no fun being the nth best friend (especially when you thought you were higher up in the pecking order). Especially since this friend drifted farther and farther away as the wedding planning went on and pretty much put an expiration date on all of her friendships once she got married. (No one’s really talked to her since.) If it was dress + gift + one party, I’d be in everyone’s wedding. After this last “extravaganza” I was in, never again. N-E-V-E-R.

    3. I agree that the amount of money and time being a bridesmaid is absolutely insane. And why do we have to travel for every bachelorette party? When did that become a thing?

      I do love the idea of having my best girlfriends standing beside me as I get married. I’m not ready to give that up.

      FWIW, I’m engaged and getting married in a little over a year. I don’t want a bachelorette party and shower because they would have to travel. We are already planning on paying for their hotel rooms for the weekend to help with the cost.

      This stresses me out and I haven’t even asked anyone to be in my bridal party.

      1. “I do love the idea of having my best girlfriends standing beside me as I get married. I’m not ready to give that up.”

        While I also like this idea in theory, I didn’t have bridesmaids because I didn’t like the idea of ranking my friends (that is how I would have felt to ask friends to be bridesmaids), and I didn’t want to put pressure on friends that had to travel to attend because I asked them to be in the wedding party.

        1. I’m definitely in agreement! I don’t want one friend in my bridal party but she will make such a fuss it’s easier to include her. Does that discredit everything I said previously? Probably.

          1. I would just encourage you to really think about it. You said it’s already stressing you out! You can find ways to honor friends and family during the ceremony (witness on your marriage license, readings, hold rings, etc.) without having bridesmaids. I don’t regret not having a wedding party at all. Obviously, you do what works for you, but don’t feel like you need to, particularly if it’s going to be big source of stress.

      2. Honestly, I spent over $1000 dollars to be in my friend’s wedding with the bachelor3tte party, shower, outfits, hair/makeup, and gifts. And while I love her and was SO happy to be a part of her weekend, it really bothered me that brides feel entitled to all of these events and it’s expected that we’ll do whatever it takes.

        That said, (and maybe this is awful) but I want all the hoopla myself when I get married. Maybe it’s just so I feel like things end up evening out or so I get the special experience that all my friends got.

        1. Yeah, I hear that! I have long joked that when I get married, it’ll be on a Wednesday in the not-so-pretty part of Mexico (think: desert!) as revenge for all the bridesmaid duties I had to do!

          I still insist on not going overboard, but I don’t feel that bad having bridesmaids when all of them will have had me do it for them by that point.

    4. You know, I think it depends on the bride and the wedding. (Disclaimer, I’m engaged and planning my wedding so I’m biased right now.) I don’t have any friends who are all that demanding of their bridesmaids. It’s mostly required me to buy the dress and plan/be at the bridal shower and bachelorette (neither of which was ever a huge cost/expense). I do get annoyed when people plan crazy things but I tend not to be friends with people who would do that to their friends. Still, I did spend more than I comfortably could for some weddings where the other bridesmaids’ ideas of what was appropriate far exceeded my own (expensive parties where we foot the bill for everyone, etc). And crappy dresses, natch.

      The other side of the coin for me was that I really loved being a part of my friend’s wedding prep and wedding day. And as someone who’s about to get married, it’s really important to me that I’ll be surrounded by my closest friends when I’m getting ready and standing at the altar. But you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll pick out a reasonably priced dress, not require any professional hair/makeup/nails, and try to eliminate any other costs.

      For me, it kind of comes down to people being considerate of one another and to weddings spiraling out of control, not about the bridesmaid tradition itself, I think.

      1. I agree with this. My friends have all taken their wedding party into consideration when planning this stuff. Other than the price of J.Crew dresses, things have been reasonable. Shower/bach was usually in the same weekend so that anyone coming from afar only came for one weekend, there were often options to crash at someone’s house, etc. And hair and makeup was always optional.

      2. Yeah I think the article used hyperbole as a tool for the analysis. We don’t have to abolish the tradition entirely, but should keep all of her points in mind whether the bride or the bridesmaid.

        1. I really love the idea posted on this site of inviting people to hang out while you get ready without requiring them to jump through all of the other hoops one could require as a bridezilla.

          1. We did this at my wedding. Those few hours spent drinking champagne with some of my closest friends were awesome and the pictures are some of my favorites.

    5. Trying this again bc of moderation:

      You know, I think it depends on the bride and the wedding. (Disclaimer, I’m engaged and planning my wedding so I’m biased right now.) I don’t have any friends who are all that demanding of their bridesmaids. It’s mostly required me to buy the dress and plan/be at the bridal shower and bachelor3tt3 (neither of which was ever a huge cost/expense). I do get annoyed when people plan crazy things but I tend not to be friends with people who would do that to their friends. Still, I did spend more than I comfortably could for some weddings where the other bridesmaids’ ideas of what was appropriate far exceeded my own (expensive parties where we foot the bill for everyone, etc). And crappy dresses, natch.

      The other side of the coin for me was that I really loved being a part of my friend’s wedding prep and wedding day. And as someone who’s about to get married, it’s really important to me that I’ll be surrounded by my closest friends when I’m getting ready and standing at the altar. But you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll pick out a reasonably priced dress, not require any professional hair/makeup/nails, and try to eliminate any other costs.

      For me, it kind of comes down to people being considerate of one another and to weddings spiraling out of control, not about the bridesmaid tradition itself, I think.

        1. Aw, thanks! Just a few weeks ago! We’re very excited! Racing to try to get married in the fall! Wish us luck. :)

          2. Thanks, it’s been way more stressful than I expected! I think we’ll feel better once we have the venue!

  2. Paging Dallas readers–

    We’re doing a brunch meetup this Sunday at Taverna on Knox at 12:30. Let us know if you plan to come so we can look for you–the e-mail is dallas[thissite]meetup at gmail. Also, send an e-mail to that address if you can’t make it this Sunday but want to be on the list for future meetups :)

    1. I have a black similar style as well. It is over 2 years old now, I wear it every day and it is in perfect condition. The leather is amazing.

      1. Yup, Black Groovee carrier here. It looks great and brand new after daily use for years.

  4. I’m reading Home Cooking right now after learning about it in that recent NYT article, and I’m enjoying it so much! Laurie Colwin is absolutely delightful. Has anyone read any of her fiction? When I finish this I’d like to start one of her novels and I’m wondering if there’s a clear frontrunner according to others more familiar with her work.

    1. I read Home Cooking as well as her other nonfiction cooking book (can’t recall the title right now). I loved them both. I started reading A Big Storm Knocked it Over but didn’t really get into it and only read about 50 pages. Have not read any of her other fiction work.

    2. I have read all of her books. I loved her food writing and moved on to the novels. Her characters were quite odd. Young people of privilege, I guess? It was an interesting twist, given what I knew about her. She died way too young.

    3. /Happy All The Time/ is one of my favorite novels. I’m pretty sure Ms. Colwin and I are soul sisters. /A Big Storm Knocked It Over/ was good, but not great; I thought it was somewhat unfocused and scattered. /Home Cooking/ is my go-to host gift.

    4. Thanks for the replies! I think I’ll pick up More Home Cooking and Happy All The Time. I saw a few references to the latter in the comments on the article, at least one naming it as his/her go-to comfort re-read.

      And interesting note re: giving Home Cooking as a gift, I went onto Amazon today to order a copy to send to a friend, and the used hardback version that I bought last week for $15 cannot be had for less than $94.84 now! I’m wondering if there’s been a run on copies since the article. (My friend is getting the paperback.)

      1. Very interesting… I don’t think I ever paid more than $5 for a used copy (but this was at least two years ago).

    5. I think I’ve read all of Laurie Colwin’s books, and was so sad that she died so young. She has a couple of short story books – The Lone Pilgrim and Passion and Affect – which might be a nice way to get a flavor of her fiction. I loved all the books, but NOLA is right – her characters are certainly a type. But there is something very cozy about her writing style and descriptions of characters and the places they live.

      1. Love Laurie Colwin, both the food writing and fiction! I like her short stories best, which are mostly about young women (of some privilege – agree w/NOLA there) in NY. I read them when I was myself a young woman of some privilege in NY. So it’s been awhile…

      2. Happy All the Time was one of my absolute favorite books when I was in my mid-20s (far from NYC in a college town in the middle of farm country). She was so perceptive about people’s preferences and foibles! I hope that the people who loved her know how much happiness she gave her readers.

    6. Coming a little late to the party (so I hope you have the “notify me of followup comments via e-mail” enabled. I’m also a huge Laurie Colwin fan, and own and have read EVERYTHING of hers (I guess my hardback copies of her books are now collectors’ editions, LOL), and I agree that Happy All the Time is fabulous — I’ve reread it multiple times and it’s a go-to for comfort reading. But equal with Happy All The Time is another of her books that no one else has yet mentioned: Shine On, Bright and Shining Object. I think I love it even a trifle better than Happy All The Time. If Home Cooking resonated with you, I’m certain you will also love both Shine On, Bright and Shining Object and Happy All The Time. When you finish those, you’ll next want to read The Lone Pilgrim and Another Marvelous Thing — both short story collections, but the latter reads like a novel because they are short stories about the same characters.

      1. I am very glad you commented! Nice surprise this morning, and so helpful. I will add all your recommendations to my to-read pile. Thank you!

  5. I have a pair of leather flats, lined in fabric. They stink. I’ve tried Lysol and alcohol. Is there any hope for me de-stinking them, or should I pitch them and start over?

    1. Might as well try baking soda before giving up on them. Sprinkle it in and leave at least overnight, longer if you can.

    4. Try vinegar on the fabric liner and then and leaving outside in the sun for a day?

    5. Stuff them with crumpled-up newspaper. Really stuff them, so all of the interior shoe surface is in direct contact with the newspaper. This trick de-stanked some heinously icky shoe stink that happened after walking around NYC in 90+ degree weather one summer.

      2. +100 to the newspaper. My ex-boyfriend’s mom is a smoker and I did this with a purse she gave me and it helped get rid of the smoke smell. Plus I hung it in the bathroom when I was taking a shower to steam it out a little.

  6. Baby/husband TJ! My H is currently unemployed. My baby is 9 weeks old. My H has been freaking out at me and acting really hostile toward me for a few weeks. He feels taken advantage of because he’s been cooking dinner most nights since the baby was born. He feels that I am hugely slacking and I need to (a) keep the house cleaner (which includes vacuuming and dusting), (b) do laundry more frequently (I am generating hardly any laundry right now and the baby needs laundry done only once/week), (c) make meal plans for the week, (d) do the grocery shopping (which in NYC means carrying home groceries and he refuses to let me use Fresh Direct), (e) prepare all the meals, and (f) continue feeding the baby every time she’s hungry. He accuses me of taking a vacation since the baby was born and tells me this is the easiest time of my life.

    Aside from how absolutely ridiculous his behavior is, any tips for dealing with this? Did anyone else’s husband freak out after the birth of their first child? I keep telling him that the first 3 months are different and that br3astfeeding is hard work, but it’s not getting through. He tells me to “get over” the fact that I just had a baby.

    1. Wait, what?

      You know this is nuts, right?

      Wow. I am super speechless.

      What I might do is wait until I was sure we wouldn’t be interrupted, and then sit him down and say somthing like, “Dude. This is nuts. In fact, it is so totally nuts that I have to think there is something else going on, rather than you turning into a lunatic about laundry and dusting. If I had to guess, I’d guess it’s that you’re freaking out about having a family to support and no job. I’m happy to talk about that. And if you’re not willing to talk about it with me, then I’m going to have to insist that you talk about it with a professional. Because I love you, man, but I’m not willing to put up with any of this b.s. any more.”

      1. +100000000000000000000000.

        This is CRAZY. He “refuses to let” you use Fresh direct? WTF? He wants you to prepare all the meals when you are nursing a child you just delivered TWO MONTHS AGO?

        Sorry for the ELLEN caps, but this is bat-sh*t insane. I would have a talk with him as Senior Attorney suggests and then if that doesn’t work, counseling, stat.

        1. Also, I busted out laughing at the first three months after your first child being born called the “easiest time of [your] life.” Quite the opposite, actually!

          1. Some of his comments were so extreme that I thought it was from the Onion or for April Fool’s. He is being ridiculous. I agree with others that it sounds like he may be anxious about being unemployed and doesn’t want to get SAHD-tracked. But this is a totally disproportionate and unhelpful communication style to deal with that anxiety.

          2. Thanks so much! I’m glad to hear it will get easier and everyone’s thoughts are helpful about his SAHD anxiety.

          3. I dont think anyone said he had sahd anxiety. I think almost every comment said that this is not run of the mill anxiety, and that this is something much much much worse than that. No one’s spouse should treat them like that.

          4. preg 3L :
            04/10/2014 at 5:59 pm
            Thanks so much! I’m glad to hear it will get easier and everyone’s thoughts are helpful about his SAHD anxiety.

            Literally no one has said this to you. If this is your takeaway, you are deluding yourself.

      2. What is happening that is a controlling man CANNOT STAND the attention that you are giving to your newborn. When he is telling you to “get over” having just had a baby, he is telling you that you are insufficiently devoted to HIS needs and his desire to be the #1 thing in your life AT ALL TIMES.

        Read that again: your husband is a man who resents your baby and the time you spend tending to the baby. He wants to be more important to you than the baby, more important than yourself, than a mutually respectful marriage. He is a monster, in other words. There is no sugarcoating a person who resents a tiny innocent baby, let alone *his own* tiny baby.

        Get your baby away from this man before he does something (by “accident” or otherwise) that will solve his problem of you being too attentive to the baby over him. What do you think this psycho husband would do to another man who stole your affection? Well, he will do the same thing to your child.

        RUN DON’T WALK. You’ve brought a child into a world under terrible circumstances— but you’d better protect that baby now that you’ve done so.

        And take a leave of absence from school while you’re at it. You cannot do what you need to do (be both parents and find a safe environment) while preparing for exams. You need an emergency leave, now. Finish your credits over the summer.

    2. No experience in these issues..but he sounds a bit resentful? Maybe some other insecurity is manifesting itself in this way. He might have anxiety about how your life has changed and he fears that this is how the rest of his life will look like (laundry, cooking, etc.).

      If anyone tried to tell me to “get over” the fact I just pushed a child out 9 weeks ago, I’d be peeved to say the least.

    3. Wow, big sympathies. No great advice, but IMO, he’s asking more than he should possibly be asking of a new mother if he was employed and working 60+ hours a week. But to be home (even if job-searching) and making these statements is truly ridiculous. Did he act like this before the baby?

      1. He did not act like this pre-baby! This is why I’m so speechless! I did cook and clean, as a normal person would (not in any way neurotic — we had pizza for dinner once a week and I cleaned maaaaybe once/month), and he always insisted on helping! He would start the laundry on his own whenever he needed it, he would cook dinner if I was stuck in class or at my internship late, he was a decent partner pre-baby.

        1. Um…i’m going to call BS on him being a decent partner pre-baby. I think your previous handle gave plenty of examples of him being a not-great partner a lot of the time. In fact, I remember him being really irritated at you at least once when he got home earlier than he’d indicated and, as a result, you hadn’t prepared dinner yet. From your posts, it sounds like you had a brief period where things were better (which is probably when you decided it was a good time to have a baby together), but I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised by his present behavior given his past behavior.

          1. Ditto. I’m not 100% sure, but pretty sure I know your previous handle and weren’t you thinking of leaving him?

          2. And this is exactly how abusive relationships work. He will behave himself and act contrite when you might leave, and once you settle back in, the abuse will start. Don’t be fooled – the abuse is your real relationship.

            I’m sorry you dated this guy. I’m sorry you married him. I’m sorry you had a child with him. I don’t see your relationship with him as a good future for your or your child, to be frank.
            The scary part is – this is exactly how one of my ex’s would have behaved. I can’t believe it was so hard to see it when I was with him, and I can’t believe HOW MUCH BETTER my entire life is without him.

          3. Agreed. I think I remember this as well (wasn’t he depressed or something?). Anyway, to the OP, good luck with that, but I’d have a come to jebus with him and if not be sure you are protected if you need to separate. Because at the moment he is just weighing you and the kiddo down.

          4. Any chance he was a decent partner prr-baby when he was on his depression meds and now he’s off again? I seem to remember that being a running theme of the Dr. jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. If he’s a great guy when he’s on his meds, but he won’t consistently take them – he’s not a great guy and you need to get out. Break the cycle, get away from this guy!

        2. “He would start the laundry on his own whenever he needed it, he would cook dinner if I was stuck in class or at my internship late, he was a decent partner pre-baby.”

          I wouldn’t call that being a decent partner, I would call that having the ability to fend for himself when necessary. You deserve better.

          1. Right?

            A man who will start the laundry on his own whenever he needs it is not an enlightened, supportive, feminist man. He’s just a grown-up. You don’t get gold stars in life for being a grown-up.

          2. Agree. Regardless of whether you are the old poster or not, that is not a good description of a partner. You are saying he is capable of surviving.

        3. I think I know what your handle was before you became preg3L, based on your writing style and the details you have mentioned. You chose to stay married to a class-A jerk of a husband that gave even the more levelheaded people on this site major hives. His behavior was so appalling that people thought you were trolling. So no, he was no angel pre-baby. Rewriting history is not going to be helpful.

    4. Um, he’s acting a) totally ridiculous and awful (which you know) and b) like he expects you to be a model 1950s housewife and mom while also being in law school. Frankly, expecting you to be a model housewife while being in law school would be ridiculous even without a newborn. Did you do all those things (a through e) before the baby was born? Or does he suddenly see you not as a person but as a mom/wife now that you’ve had a baby?

      How long has your husband been unemployed for? I know that it can be really demoralizing and difficult and stressful to be unemployed, and during the periods that my husband has been (most recently for about a month in the winter), I did make an effort not to pile EXTRA housework on him so he didn’t feel like I was expecting him to fulfil all the domestic duties because his time at home was less important than mine at work. I did still expect him to continue sharing the load and keep doing what he was doing, and occasionally did ask him to put dinner in the oven before I got home, if I had already prepared something that just needed to be popped in.

      I guess how you would handle this depends on what the division of housework was like before the baby, but either way you’d need to have a talk with him about what’s realistic and manageable and fair. Maybe that’s making a list of things that need to be done every day/week and dividing them between yourselves (husband makes dinner while you’re in class, but you clean up; husband gets groceries b/c he can go during the day which is huge, but you make a list for him, based on a meal plan you make together)?

      1. Also, huge huge hugs to you for dealing with a grumpy and unhelpful husband while adjusting to having your new baby, AND law school. You are amazing and should be so proud of yourself. Your baby is going to have a super accomplished mama to look up to.

        1. Amen to this!! And big hugs to you!! I’m sorry you are having to put up with this crap!

    5. So what is your husband actually doing all day? And you’re a 3L, so you’re presumably in classes/studying during the day, correct? Is cooking dinner the only value-added activity that your husband is doing during the day/night?

      Without know the answers to the questions above, obviously it sounds like your husband is being fairly unreasonable. Obviously, you can’t “get over” the fact that you had a baby and you certainly can’t do it in the first three months. After the first baby is definitely a transition period and it takes a lot of communication and understanding from both sides to figure out how to get into a new groove.

      1. To answer your questions —
        So what is your husband actually doing all day? — He spends the day on his computer and sometimes goes running. I don’t know what he’s doing on his computer but he told me affirmatively that he’s NOT job-searching.

        And you’re a 3L, so you’re presumably in classes/studying during the day, correct? — I only have class 2 days per week because I’m a 3L who got most of my credits out of the way before this final semester, but I haven’t had time to do my reading in weeks. TBH, I’m not stressed about it (yet), because I’m a 3L taking only 10 credits and I have a job waiting for me.

        Is cooking dinner the only value-added activity that your husband is doing during the day/night? — As far as I can tell, yes. He does grocery shop for the food that he uses to cook dinner.

          1. Yep. He is in a bad way and he is taking it out on you.

            And I think you need to call him on it.

        2. If he grocery shops for the food for dinner, why can’t he buy all the food? That makes no sense to me at all.

        3. AHHH!!! Fix this before you start working and have to leave the baby with him all day! Everything that you think is bad now will be magnified by 1,000% when you start working and need a real partner.

          I would be terrified to leave my child with this guy during the day – either get in counseling and fix it, or set yourself and your baby up to get out before you start working. I would not trust this guy as a SAHD.

        4. I take back my comment after reading your follow-up (and must have had a reading comprehension fail previously).

          1) Attorney for separation/divorce advice
          2) Counselor (for you if he won’t go with)
          3) Leave if you can’t get him to leave your apartment. (Do you have family you can lean on? Does he have reasonable family members that you can enlist and/or have him go stay with?)
          4) Be careful about leaving the baby in his care.

          Sorry this is happening. His meltdown would be a lot to handle even without a baby and law school.

      2. Second the question of what he does all day. Other than counseling maybe sit down and list all that needs doing , who does what, who gets up with the baby at night. Then review a timeline of your day. From personal experience this may get worse before it gets better. Sorry.

      3. I agree that it sounds like he’s freaking out because he’s unemployed and now has a family. I’ll echo everyone else and say that he’s also being totally unreasonable and probably needs counseling. Why isn’t he job searching? Is he depressed? Does he help out with the baby at all during the day?

        Here’s my perspective from 10ish years of marriage and two kids: you have to take a long-term view of the relationship. There will be long periods of time where one partner is relying on the other to step up and shoulder more of the housework/burden/what-have-you. And the person shouldering all that extra work should know that when he/she needs to rely on the other person, they can. That is the opposite of what’s going on here. You need to have a frank conversation with your husband and tell him that he’s changed and what he’s demanding is unreasonable and try to figure out what happened.

    6. Has he always acted like this? I would probably punch my husband in the face if he acted this way to me, baby or no baby. Is it possible him being unemployed is really affecting him and he might need to talk to someone?

    7. Are you preparing to go back from maternity leave and he is freaking out because he’s realizing he’s going to be stuck at home when you go back to work? Is he actively looking for a new position, or is he planning to be a SAHD?
      Although I notice a lot of the complaints are food related – any chance he’s been doing all the cooking and you’ve been complaining about it (the food itself, its healthy/not healthiness, lack of variety, etc)? Because that is usually where my husband and I fight – whoever is eating the dinner someone else cooked is NOT allowed to complain about it, unless they plan to do something about it like cook the next meal, or at least plan the next week’s menus.

      1. I have been nothing but hugely appreciative of the food he cooks. I am well aware of how much time and effort it takes and I have never said anything negative about the food he’s made for me.

        I’m in law school and will spend the summer studying for the bar exam (so, yes, he will be a quasi-SAHD) and then I start working in September.

        1. Such a red flag to me. You shouldn’t need to be hugely appreciative of cooking dinner. That’s part of being a grown up. A thank you absolutely but making dinner isn’t all that hard.

        2. I’m all over this thread, but I thought the same thing. You shouldn’t have to be “hugely appreciative” that your husband, WHO IS DOING NOTHING DURING THE DAY, managed to cook dinner for two people.

        3. it’s crazy that you’re ‘hugely appreciative” – he’s makin a de minimus contribution to the family – if he’s just cooking dinner then he’s barely making more of a contribution than the delivery guy from your fav take out place. He’s totally out to lunch.

        4. So there was no kid involved, but when I was unemployed and my husband was working, I did all of the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, errand running, and picking up around the house. You know, because I was AT HOME all day. I still had plenty of time to job search and to veg out (bc job searching is demoralizing). There was no need for my husband to be “hugely appreciative” of my c0oking or doing these things. I had plenty of time to do them. Now that I work full time and commute an hour each way, I absolutely expect a thank you for cooking a nice dinner when I get home, but when I was home all day? Um, no.

    8. First, hugs.

      Second, say you hadn’t had a baby but had had a heart attack / abdominal surgery / something else. This would be craziness to complain about whatever they were doing. If they had that + newborn care = double craziness.

      Third, this is where he needs to support you and his daughter. Since he isn’t working, why isn’t he doing laundry / doing to the store / cooking (I’d give him a pass if he were lactating, but — oops — that’s YOU).

      Fourth, time to outsource to a professional (couples / him-only) to talk about Big Things. And to an amateur — does he have any guy friends with children that you could mabe invite over for take-out food so that husband can get a glimpse of what normal looks like from a man’s perspective (as in a man who is manning up)?

      Aiii!

    9. Uh my tip is divorce him. That sounds horrendous. I guess try counseling first, but why in the world did you marry him? Is this a dramatic change? If someone ever told me that I had to grocery shop while refusing to use fresh direct, I would laugh in their face

      1. And yeah – If he doesn’t turn the ship around real fast it would be a total deal breaker.

      2. No, it’s not horrendous to say she should divorce him. A lot of us thought she should have divorced him the first go-round when he was being a superjerk to her and creepily controlling about her social life. He was condescending, belittling, and otherwise nasty to her, and after a divorce scare, he went into wooing mode. He planned some romantic vacay, took on the veneer of supportiveness, and then the veneer wore off. She should divorce him before she starts her job, and before he tries to sue her for support, and before he uses the child as leverage to get that from him. I wouldn’t put anything past this jerk.

        1. I don’t think Stormborn meant the advice was horrendous – I think she meant the behavior was.

          1. Yeah sorry that was unclear. The behavior is horrendous. Its completely crazy. I was arround the first go around but I wrote the “you should divorce him” advice before I put that together. Based on the paragraph OP wrote alone, without even the backstory, I think she needs to divorce him.

          2. Oops. Reading comp fail. I guess I’m just flabbergasted that anyone who had the misfortune to be married to someone this horrible would double down and have a baby with him and then be surprised that he continued to be a jerk.

          3. Guys who act this terribly are usually very charming and charismatic and romantic and wonderful part of the time. I’m sure during that part of his behavior you’d be surprised anyone would ever want to leave him. It’s the whole cycle of being this manipulative.

          4. +1 to what Wildkitten said.

            Other anon: Nice victim blaming there. Unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship yourself, you’ve got no right to judge.

            An analogy: It’s like having a job or career that’s not good for you/stresses you out/has a hostile work environment. Lots of people have jobs like that. What are the reasons they can’t/don’t just up and leave those jobs? LOTS of reasons… Stockholm syndrome, loyalty, they need the money, investment of time and energy, feeling needed, etc. It’s all very well to make armchair judgements like, “You should have left before you got in too deep,” but in real life it’s a hell of a lot more complicated than that.

        2. Um, no. Quit with the PC police. It’s not victim blaming to ask the hard questions. There were some pretty bad decisions being made. Absolutely we should judge and learn from the mistakes of others. This is not about making fun of someone’s Birkin (that’s unproductive judging.) There’s nothing good about the OP’s situation, and for all those who are reading, I hope they take away that the OP is not a role model of decision-making if they want a happy life.

          There were a series of very bad decisions. Yes, OP may have had background, family, and other issues that made these decisions more attractive to her than they really were, but she still chose these decisions. It’s important to ask the hard questions. Shying away from this hard scrutiny doesn’t change her situation, and doesn’t do anyone any favors. Worse, it lets people who might be on the verge of making similar bad decisions walk away with the illusion that somehow it’s all just luck/fate when one really does have a role in saving one’s own life.

          Joanna, your comment embodies the one thing I find very cloying about this site– this constant demand that we nice-police or PC-police ourselves. There’s a very active attempt to shut down hard questioning and hard feedback. I think it’s not a coincidence that so many people on this site have terrible relationships with people who take advantage, are pushed around at work and can’t grow a spine and push back, and are generally passive and ineffective in just about every interpersonal encounter with someone who is antagonistic.

          1. Wow, thanks, Other Anon. This really clears everything up for me. I’m not engaging with unhelpful comments.

            I’ve never had a kid before and it’s helpful to hear that the first 3 months are *not* the easiest part; it’s helpful to hear that DH might be scared of getting SAHD-tracked; it’s helpful to hear what other women dealt with after having their babies.

          2. No, no, no. Please stop deluding yourself that he’s just acting this way because of getting scared about being SAHD-tracked. Smart people are incredibly good at convincing themselves that something else is the problem because the real problem is so ugly and horrible and huge. Please don’t do this to yourself. It’s not because of career anxiety. It’s because your spouse is a terrible narcissist who is emotionally abusive to you.

            Plenty of people here have pointed out about how helpful their spouses were after a first baby, or, bar exams, or some other difficult time, and it’s glaring how awful your spouse is to you. Plenty of people have SAHM or SAHD anxiety and they don’t behave to their spouses as nastily as yours has to you.

          3. Other Anon, do you truly… HONESTLY… think that “calling the hard questions” is what people in potentially violent crisis situations need? Situations where mental health concerns are flying right, left and centre?

            If so, I am glad I am not part of your IRL social circle. And I really, REALLY hope you are not one of the lawyers here who specializes in family law or domestic violence.

          4. Preg 3L, does something really terrible have to happen to you or child before you do something? You are cherry-picking comments for justification for behavior that cannot be justified, and you are putting an innocent baby in a lot of danger. Are you really going to be able to live with yourself after ignoring these warning signs? GET OUT. GET AWAY.

          5. Just off a basic google search, Other Anon. Do your homework.

            http://www.bandbacktogether.com/how-to-help-friend-abusive-relationship/

            A domestic violence victim is already unsure of his or her worth. An abuser can easily manipulate a domestic violence victim to believe that he or she is really the “bad” one and “deserves” what he or she gets. So when dealing with someone who is already unstable and fragile from long bouts of domestic violence, it’s important to proceed very carefully.

            Here are some things NOT to say or do to a domestic violence victim:

            Don’t shame the victim by even IMPLYING that the abuse is your loved one’s fault.

            Don’t criticize your abused loved one or try to guilt him or her into leaving. It’s unfair and it’s not your job. While it’s hard to sit by and watch a loved one be abused, it is up to him or her to decide to make the change.

            Don’t tell the victim “If it was me, I’d kick him/her out, just leave, call the cops”, etc. Unless you’re the one being abused, you have no idea how bad it can get. A significant number of abused women are killed by their abuser after they leave or attempt to leave. Escape can be extremely difficult.

            Do NOT blame the victim for the domestic abuse. Never, EVER insinuate that it is his or her fault that he or she is being abused.

            Don’t imply that leaving a domestically abusive relationship is easy. There are no quick, easy solutions.

            Don’t recommend marital counseling to someone who is being physically or emotionally abused. It’s dangerous for the victim and won’t lead to a resolution.

            Things NOT To Say To A Domestic Violence Victim:

            “You should leave now.”

            “You should go back into the (abusive situation) and try a little harder.”

            “How about *I* talk to your [abusive] partner for you?”

            “You should stay for your children’s sake.”

          6. And you need to get real, Joanna. Dancing around and letting the OP pretend that it’s SAHD anxiety that’s the problem is distracting from the real issue, which is that he’s an emotionally abusive jerk.

            I don’t see her improving her situation if we all pretend that she can keep doing what she’s doing. She made bad choices, and the sooner she acknowledges that, the less likely she is to continue making similar bad choices or compounding them, like oh, having 3 more babies with this jerk.

            The hard questions MIGHT pierce the veil, but your list of “don’ts” certainly won’t help. All your list of “don’ts” accomplishes is encouraging the OP to spin her wheels unproductively. I am so glad your candycoating personality is not part of my IRL group, too. You’re not a better person for choosing the candy-coated ineffective BS.

          7. To preg 3L: I’m the Anonymous above who used the term “SAHD-track.” But I think you are taking it out of context and concluding that his behavior is okay because he may have X underlying anxiety. The issue is not that he may (or may not) have that anxiety. The issue is his reaction to it. It is NOT OKAY not matter how anxious he is.

            You are an amazingly accomplished woman, and you and your sweet girl deserve to be treated better than this.

          8. Other Anon: You might not like it, but your implications that the abuse is preg3L’s fault — and implying that she’s a bad person by not divorcing her husband IMMEDIATELY — pretty much EXACTLY what not to say, according to any domestic abuse organization or mental health professional ever.

            http://www.drjillmurray.com/jill/resources/article_Friend_in_an_Abusive_Relationship.html
            http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-being-abused.html
            http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/helping-a-friend/
            http://fortbendwomenscenter.org/en/content/how-help-loved-one-who-abusive-relationship
            http://www.clicktoempower.org/domestic-violence-facts/what-to-say-when-you-think-someone-is-being-abused
            http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/get-help/how-to-help-a-friend/
            http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
            http://studentaffairs.stanford.edu/sara/help/helping/helpingfriend
            http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships
            http://www.northwestern.edu/care/get-help/help-a-friend/help-a-friend-in-an-abusive-relationship.html

            Do. Your. Effing. Homework. Or stay the eff out of these discussions.

          9. Seriously, Joanna Toews, trying to silence another poster? That’s pathetic.

            Other Anon is way harsh for my taste, trying too much for an HBIC tone, I think, but she raises questions I’ve honestly considered as I’ve been following this thread. All those links you posted aren’t going to be very much help if preg3L continues to stay within this damaged and damaging man’s grasp. If nobody tells her that she should consider divorce at some point, and if nobody tells her to not have more children with this man, she might well waste another 6 months, 24 months, or 24 years with this man. I can’t honestly say that sounds like a better alternative to me.

            Did you ever wonder whether this nonjudgmental, no-advice-giving approach might be a contributing factor in why so many victims remain stuck in the orbit of abuse?

      3. Joanna— STOP. No one is blaming the victim. This poster is about to CREATE a new victim, her baby. This dude is not safe, not OK. There is nothing wrong with telling her to get that baby the F away from the psycho father. She can deal with her own trauma AFTER she secures the safety of this baby who cannot secure her own.

        1. As a domestic violence prosecutor, I can tell you that when there is a child involved, the first priority is to make sure the child is safe. Many of those “don’ts” go out the window–although I agree that marital counseling is never ever ever appropriate in a domestic violence/controlling situation–and I wish more judges would realize that.

    10. I cannot imagine how stressful it must be to have just had a baby and to be unemployed, especially if you had thought you role was going to be as the breadwinner for your family, not a SAHD. His expectations are totally unreasonable and his behavior is unacceptable. How can you best negotiate new expectations? Get a babysitter and do it over dinner? Go to counseling?

      1. I want to revise my comment. I don’t think this is about being an unemployed SAHD.

        1−800−799−7233 – National Domestic Violence Hotline

    11. Is this out of character for him, or has he always been an uptight controlling jerk but you decided to have a baby together anyway?

      If this is new, I’d tell him that it’s an adjustment period for everyone. You have a full time job of going to school, plus nursing, and you need to work together to figure out a plan, because you cannot do everything. And then really listen to him- maybe he’s embarrassed to admit he doesn’t know how to buy groceries or make dinner and he feels bad that he’s not working so you can’t outsource those chores. Maybe he’s trying to pitch in, but he’s having trouble balancing a job search and a baby. If he’s generally a good guy, and this is out of character, there’s a lot of room to work through this.

      If he’s always been the type of jerk who would lock you out in finals, give you the silent treatment, and make his own running hobby the center of the world, then you know what the hive’s advice is. Do what you need to do to keep safe and get out, read The Gift of Fear, and realize that you can’t love him into being a decent human being.

      1. “If he’s always been the type of jerk who would lock you out in finals, give you the silent treatment, and make his own running hobby the center of the world, then you know what the hive’s advice is.”

        Yup.

      2. Oh s word is this the same person? Then yes, you know our advice has not changed.

        1. I had kind of suspected that. I didn’t read the handle to see who was this OP. You have really got to divorce this maniac. Your description isn’t “having trouble adjusting to being a new dad.” My friend had that. He was a little mopey and had a couple times where he felt really panicky. You have an emotionaly abusive husband.

          1. This. He is emotionally abusive. Please, please, OP, take control of your life and divorce this horrible man. Even if you can’t manage to love yourself enough to want something better for yourself, please do it for your little one. Your baby should not grow up primarily under the influence of someone as awful as your husband.

        2. I have no idea if this person is a new name for an old poster.

          Either way though, my advice is very different depending on whether this is a surprise. If you can honestly tell yourself you are stunned he is acting this way, work on it. If not, get out or get used to an unhappy life that will impact your child.

        4. All of a sudden for some reason for the last 2 weeks or so, I’ve wondered the same. This is the first time that I have any facts (??) to back up the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right.

    12. The first 9 wks of my baby’s life were harder than any other I’ve experienced (including law school, BigLaw, etc.)

      Your husband is completely out of line. Please don’t accept the behavior from him. I would ask him to attend counseling as soon as possible, especially if he does not have a history of controlling, manipulative behavior.

    13. That is so ridiculous. I honestly feel really sad for you. After the birth of all three of our children, my husband took over EVERYTHING house related. He did all the cooking (and cooked me such yummy food. I didn’t lose any weight because I just laid around with the baby and ate delicious things all day), shopping, laundry, cleaning, and caring for the older children. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him and maybe some counseling, because to me, that is way out of line. I understand being unemployed is probably hard on him, but that is not ok to treat you poorly. Hugs. I hope things get better soon.

      1. Exactly. My husband took over EVERYTHING for the first three months after our kids were born. Even if I had not been recovering from c-sections, he would have done so because that’s what a good partner does when the other one is all-consumed with keeping a newborn baby alive.

    14. Also, if his behavior is so wildly out of character, be careful how much alone time he has with the baby. I re-read your post, and I don’t know, the behavior is so far afield of what I would expect from a reasonable spouse, that I would want to really limit his time with the kiddo.

      You don’t mention whether he is helping out much with the baby, or if he’s resentful of having to take care of him/her, but if my spouse suddenly started making outrageous, out of character statements, I would be careful about leaving the baby with him. That resentfulness can build up and start getting directed at the baby without warning, especially if the baby is especially fussy, etc.

        1. +10000 – I don’t want to get into it but based on family law experience – never leave a baby with someone who is not prepared to react calmly or put the baby down and seek help immediately if they cannot – your husband does not meet this criteria at present.

    15. First I would like to compliment you for not punching him in the face (I would probably have done so). If he is home all day on the computer (not job searching apparently) then what are his plans for getting a job? Unless he is having a very severe meltdown over unemployment and baby arriving then I would say leave him. Which sounds horrible, but I don’t see how you can be with someone who can berate you for doing 99% of the work around the house when he isn’t even working. It’s like a sick 50s housewife fantasy but he isn’t even the breadwinner. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy and SERIOUSLY work to address this (not say he has a problem and whine, but seriously address in a never happening EVER again type way) I again, would leave. Is he at least watching the baby while you attend class and study? Waking up at night at least half the time? This is NOT stepping up and being a partner and parent.

    16. Um, this is not okay. I completely agree with Senior Attorney’s advice.

      My husband, who I think is totally a normal partner in a relationship–not superman, went back to work 2 weeks after the baby was born. He still shouldered most responsibility for our older children for the first few months, did tons of laundry, took baby duty from 8-midnight every night so I could sleep, cooked dinner several nights a week, cleaned, etc. And, most of all, he was my support network and cheerleader through the rough post-partum period, and I was his.

      I am completely ticked off for you that you don’t have that support network. His behavior is completely unacceptable.

    17. So much good advice above. I do have something specific to add because this is reminding me of my ex. Although we didn’t have children together, he would stage giant finger-pointing sessions any time he had to compete for my attention (usually, because of my work schedule). This would alternate with times of relative calm, good behavior. As it turned out (after years and years of counseling) he had a personality disorder. And that mean/sweet cycle I’m describing? it’s actually emotional abuse.

      I am really not trying to diagnose your husband from here, and I can’t tell you what to do. But my suggestions are (as you are able): 1. Get some support for yourself.. Maybe household help. Maybe you call in relatives. Maybe counseling just for you. 2. Recognize that you could be in an emotionally abusive situation. Do not think, even for a minute, that something you do/don’t do (like “appreciating” his cooking is going to change his behavior. It’s not. 3. See if you can maneuver towards some more financial independence. “Won’t let” you order in groceries sounds an awful lot like he’s controlling the checkbook. Whatever needs to happen later, you’ll be in a better position to handle it if you’re more independent.

      2. +1 This is giving me terrible horrible willies.

        He’s emotionally abusive. You know it. You’re not a dumb woman. Look at all you’ve accomplished. A 3L in law school with a job and a baby! holy cow that’s amazing! Your husband should be outrageously proud of you and happy for you. And do everything in his power to make this easier for you. You are not his mother or housekeeper. Do you really want this man around your children?

        You have to leave. If not for you then for your baby. It’s time to call in the support system and get your family and friends ready to help you out. As the other wise commentators pointed out you need to get this started before you start you job.

        He’s not going to change. You can’t change him. You shouldn’t be grateful for him acting a like functioning human being.

        My heart is breaking for you. You need to get out of this situation. I get it, I’ve experienced emotional abuse and domestic abuse from my ex. It doesn’t mean I’m not a strong woman, a successful attorney, or a smart person. The same goes for you but you have to recognize it for what it is or it’s just going to get worse.

        Major hugs your way.

      3. Yes. Mr. SA also turned out to have one or more personality disorders. You might want to take a look at the criteria for antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder and see whether they apply to yoiur husband. It could be enlightening.

        And I would be wary of going to joint counseling. Get some counseling for yourself, for sure, but if he’s as bad as he seems, joint counseling won’t help and may hurt.

      4. This story reminds me of me a few years ago…
        Is there a way you could go spend a weekend with a friend or family you really like? Just to get some space?

        I was in a marriage that sounds very similar to what you’ve experienced that last several months. I spent many years trying to make things better. I’m concerned about you. A few things to muse about…

        Write down all your favorite thing about yourself – what a great mom you are, how good you are at work, your compassion with friends… Does he make it easier or harder to be those things?

        Do people at work and friends react to things the way you generally expect? I realized that normally if I said A, they said B, and we productively went about things. With my ex, if I said A, he said F (and it was usually F you). Living with someone who always went to F really messed with my understanding of myself; it was work and friends that reminded me that I wasn’t the crazy one. That with them I was still the smart, compassionate, together, ivy league grad kick ass girl I’d always been.

        Would you EVER treat someone the way he’s treating you? Then don’t think you’re asking for too much for him to be more helpful.

        Is he loving honoring and cherishing you? If not, he’s already broken his vows…. If religious reasons are making it hard to think about divorce, PLEASE post back on here that you’d like a discussion of that topic. My faith is extremely important to me, I initiated a divorce, God and I are on good terms about that, and it was absolutely the best decision of my life.

        I’ll be thinking of you and of your child.

        1. Oh, Eleanor! The “I say A, he says F” thing resonates with me so much! I talked about my marriage endlessly with my therapist, and at the end of the day we realized that one of the things that made living with Mr. SA so crazy-making was that he was constantly behaving in ways that surprised me because no normal person would ever act/react like he did!

          Preg3L, if this behavior is your husband’s normal operating mode, there is no making it better. You need to take that baby and go.

    18. I’ma tell you a story: my ex-husband had many flaws as a husband. But here’s what he did when I was studying for the bar: when he was home, he cooked all of our meals, did all of the laundry, and hired a house cleaner to take care of the house. When he was traveling, he restocked the house with enough groceries to get me all the way through the trip – groceries that were all stuff that didn’t require actual cooking or required only minimal cooking (cereal, organic frozen burritos and other healthy frozen meals, fully cooked sausages, jarred prepared pasta sauce, frozen fruits and veggies that just needed microwaving, etc.). I didn’t do a single thing during bar study other than study, take care of myself, and occasionally go in and kiss him and thank him for how awesome he was being.

      Now, that man and I did not work out, and it was largely due to his unresolved problems.* But he did all that for me AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A BABY. Because he knew that I needed to focus on something MORE IMPORTANT THAN TENDING HIM.

      If you are the previous commenter, you are receiving yet more confirmation that your husband is an emotionally abusive SOB. Having a baby didn’t fix the problem. Now there are two of you. The real question isn’t how you can deal with his behavior. The real question is what are you going to do to protect your child from this man?

      1. Oh, and my asterisk was this: for people who’ve been around and commenting for a looooooooong time on this blog, I just recently saw said ex-husband for the first time since our divorce (which has been years at this point). We had coffee when he visited my new city for work. It was nice, and healing in a sense that I didn’t realize that I needed, and I couldn’t in a million years imagine the me of now married to this man. If anyone needs confirmation that an awesome happy single life is better than a disastrous marriage – here you have it.

        1. Wow, that’s great! Thanks for the update; I have indeed been reading for years, and I remember when you got divorced. I’m really glad you’re doing so well. I also appreciate the reminder about a happy single life v. disastrous marriage on a personal level.

        2. I’ve been around for long enough to remember when you were reeling and it’s so nice to hear that you are awesomely happy!

        5. Thank you, ladies! You all told me that it would get better – and you were all right.

        6. That’s really interesting. My ex-H was married before me. One time, his ex-wife came into town and they got together for a drink. It was exactly what you describe. Kind of closure for her and telling him that she wasn’t angry at him anymore. Honestly, I don’t need that. He’s so far in my rearview mirror. I feel sorry for him and I am grateful now that he left when he did so I could get on with my life and not have the stress and anxiety that was associated with being married to him. I am so much happier now! I mean, I still think he was an a$$hole for how he did it, but that’s just him.

          1. Ha, the funny thing is that we didn’t talk about the relationship at all – and I wouldn’t have wanted to. Because he was still a DOOSH in what he did! But as you say, that’s just him :-)

      2. +1000 to the “having a baby didn’t fix it.” And really, I hope we’re all wrong assuming the poster is the same old poster, but if so there is a part of me that is sad and disgusted. Choosing to have a kid with an emotionally abusive man is one of the worst things I can think of, not just for OP but for her kid. It’s just heartbreaking.

    19. Regular poster going anon.
      The first few months post baby was one of the darkest periods in my marriage. My H and I were thrilled about our son but it took a big toll on our relationship. I did have lots of family help for cooking etc. but that came with its own issues as to him it felt like outside interference. On the other hand, he also realized that the two of us would have been unable to handle the workload by ourselves. On his end, there were several issues – he simply did not understand that pregnancy and nursing had been physically exhausting for me; he also felt a bit jealous at all the attention I was giving to the baby and didn’t feel like he was a priority; he hated his job but was really worried about things financially. It took us several months but we slowly repaired our relationship back. I explained to him in detail and frequently what I was going through physically so he could better understand it. I let him do a lot of baby tasks rather than ask him to take care of household tasks while I took care of baby. Yes, he didn’t change diapers or soothe the baby exactly the way I wanted but he did learn how hard it is to care for a baby and now I have a husband who is capable of taking care of the baby when I travel for work. To his credit, he did realize that his behavior was out of line but it took him several months and in those months, I often contemplated calling it quits. He also left his toxic job which ironically is the best thing that happened for our marriage. Things aren’t peachy perfect but way better than they were in the first few months post baby. I share all this to say that you are not alone – living as two fairly independent people to suddenly being asked to co-raise a baby was something we didn’t handle well and from what I have heard, does happen to many couples. If you can convince him, I urge you to do couples counseling. Or if you feel up to it, let him take on more of baby care responsibilities in return for you doing more stuff around the house. Whatever you do, you should let him know as calmly and as directly as possible that his behavior is not okay and is hurting your relationship. Hugs!

      1. Anon4This, Kudos to you and your DH for working through a terrible time and coming out the other side still together and both happy with your relationship. It’s great when this happens in a marriage, but in this day and age it’s just a fact that it doesn’t happen in _every_ marriages.

        The marriage of Preg3L and her husband sounds like it’s been sailing through choppy waters (understatement) for quite some time before the baby arrived. I’m not trying to diminish your challenges or your creativity and determination in facing them and finding solutions. BUT your marriage doesn’t sound like it was carrying as much unhappy cargo as theirs was/is, or for as long a time.

        I’m not trying to pile on here. Yes, it’s a shock to transition from “couple” to “parents.” I just suspect that there’s more going on here for Preg3L and her spouse.

    20. If you have family (preferably ones who are not as friendly toward “dear” hubby) or friends close by, please take baby and stay with them for a few days. Or has he alienated you from everyone you used to be close to? He sounds uber-controlling and a bastard. If my husband demanded any of this of me now (not pregnant, no kids, just a 40-50 hour a week job with commute), I’d punt his a$$ to next week.

    21. Okay, coming back after learning that this probably isn’t new behavior.

      If this is consistent with his behavior in the past, please take that sweet baby and get out. You are better than this. You and the baby deserve better than this. I know it is horrendously sad and scary, but I say this as somebody who spent 16 years in a relationship with somebody who was very similar, and I kick myself every. single. day. for staying as long as I did.

      Get yourself all the help you can, and just go. It took me three tries and I am so, so, so happy that this last time “stuck.” Life is so sweet when you aren’t living with a torturer!

    22. I don’t have all the backstory that some of the other posters seem to have, but I agree that this behavior is completely unacceptable. If it comes down to deciding whether or not you need to leave, I would ask yourself how you would feel if your child was being treated by their spouse the way your husband treats you. Because children learn so much about what is normal/acceptable in a relationship from their parents. And also because you deserve the kind of relationship you would want for your children.

    23. Posted this the first time, posting it again.

      1−800−799−7233 – National Domestic Violence Hotline.

      You need to figure out how to safely leave this man before he harms/kills you and your kid. His behavior is off the wall nuts and even if you aren’t the poster I think you were, my advice still applies. You have an infant to protect, so there is no such thing as too careful.

      1. Hey preg3L,
        Hang in there. I am in your neighborhood, roughly. Page me via tumblr and I will give you my #. I’d be happy to take you and your kiddo for a meal. Or let me know if you need help arranging a “safehouse.”

      2. Preg3L, there’s lots of good advice here. I’m worried about you and your daughter. PLEASE keep yourself and your baby safe. You’re both completely, totally, absolutely worth the trouble.

        – Call a friend or relative you really, truly, trust to have YOUR back and not blab to your husband. Reach out to Susedna or Godzilla. They wouldn’t offer if they didn’t mean it!

        – Explore your options with that hotline: 1−800−799−7233 – National Domestic Violence Hotline

        – Make your calls away from home (with the baby; call when she’s napping); use your cell phone and delete the call afterwards if you think your H snoops on your call record; use a friend’s phone; whatever, but advocate for yourself and your child.

        – Do your Internet research at a library if you have any doubts about your H snooping in your search history.

        – Check out supports available at school. You can’t be the only law student to face a sudden, life-disruptive, health-threatening (life-threatening?) crisis–so ask around at school for a sympathetic Dean of Students, Head of Student Counseling, or whomever, and tell them what’s going on. If you decide you need assistance (sympathetic shoulder, sounding board, academic or financial guidance, or concrete help for safe shelter, food & diapers because you’re going to leave and take the baby with you) make getting that your ABSOLUTE PRIORITY and keep going UNTIL YOU SUCCEED.

        – Finally, no disrespect to your religion but +1,000,000 to Blond Lawyer’s advice below NOT to turn to your current minister/pastor/other religious or congregational leader: “You need to see someone who can sort out what is religious observance and what is abuse. You will not go to HeII for leaving an abusive marriage.”

        2 more resources listed below.
        – Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (They often post their flyers on the inside of the stall in a woman’s bathroom in a synagogue)
        Web site: www(dot)jcada(dot)org; Email: jcada(at)jcada(dot)org; Toll Free: 1-877-88-JCADA(52232)
        I encourage you to call JCADA even if you’re not Jewish. Almost all of the Jewish social service agencies in this country will happily serve clients regardless of whether they are or are not Jewish.

        – Interfaith Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
        800.343.2823 or 202.857.1300
        Although this coalition is housed in the DC offices of Jewish Women International, its member organizations represent the full breadth and diversity of contemporary society: Christians (Catholics & many Protestants), Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Unitarians, Latter-Day Saints…
        They don’t sound like a hands-on social service agency but I’m sure they can help you. Mostly I just wanted you to see how many religious groups (sadly!) are aware of domestic violence and working to relieve it.

        People here care about you and your baby. We even care about your husband. We just DON’T want him to hurt his womenfolk. It’s not a sin to ensure the safety and well-being of yourself and your baby. G-d doesn’t work that way. Honestly.

    24. I find this to be a helpful exercise sometimes: if your sweet baby were to, as an adult, find him/herself in this situation, what would you want him/her to do? Honestly?

    25. You’ve got some good advice already, I would just add my two cents. He’s being an a**. My H is presently in the process of starting his own practice, which doesn’t make him unemployed but does make him less busy than when he was at a big firm while the ball gets rolling. He has been cooking dinner most nights, he has been cleaning up more and he has been taking care of our sick cat. Why? Because he has more time on his hands than I do and that’s called being a good partner — these are his words, he said he would expect nothing less from me if the positions were reversed. Your husband should be doing the same thing. He should also be looking for work. He certainly shouldn’t be forbidding you to use Fresh Direct and forcing a woman who just delivered a child to carry home heavy groceries. A small practical tip for while you figure this out: if you’re not willing to order FD, NY grocery stores will deliver for a nominal fee of $3-5. That’s what I do when I check out.

    26. If you are the same poster that also had religious issues with divorce you can still look into other options like separation. Also, if I’m right that this is in part religious issues, does he believe for whatever reason that his religion requires the wife to do certain tasks and the husband to do certain tasks? Are you in an “honor and obey” religion such that you are “sinning” if you disagree with your husband? If any of this is true, please try to find a resource like a therapist or crisis line that deals with people who have had religion used as a weapon against them. Don’t just see a church counselor who is going to preach the same BS he is preaching at you. You need to see someone who can sort out what is religious observance and what is abuse. You will not go to HeII for leaving an abusive marriage.

  7. I’m going travelling for 25 days, and I am really overwhelmed by packing.

    This is just a fun trip in Europe, no business, but- where do I even start? I’m only taking a backpack (~50 litres), so any tips on packing efficiencies, or your suggested packing list might give me some focus.

    Temperatures will probably range from 40F-80F, as I’m going to be in a few cities, which makes this even harder. I think the only solution is to pack for 7 days, and do laundry a couple of times?

    1. I’ve actually found that laundry days (when I’m traveling for long stretches) are good because they force me to stop, slow down, and rest for at least half a day. No thoughts on the actual content to pack, but just wanted to point out that you may get more out of laundry day than just clean clothes.

      (Oh – and don’t pack anything you can’t bear to lose or ruin in foreign washing machines).

    2. Okay, I’ll bite. This is what I’d pack:

      Awesome LBD that I can dress up or down, with maybe a couple of scarves or necklaces to dress it up. Alternatively, a black skirt with a black top so I can make it look like a dress and also use it as separates with other tops.
      Blue jeans of my preferred shape — skinnies? boyfriends?
      Olive or khaki pants, and honestly I’d look into some of the travel pants you can zip off into shorts, that wash easily in the sink and dry super fast
      Tees in as many colors as you can carry, the more washable/dryable the better (miracle travel fabrics, maybe?)
      White or olive/khaki button front shirt (and again, look into the miracle travel fabrics)
      Breton striped knit top in navy/cream or black/white or whatever suits your fancy
      A good sun hat
      A jacket
      Maybe a lightweight sweater or sweatshirt
      Possibly long underwear (tops and bottoms) for the cold places

      Sounds great! Have fun!!
      Comfy shoes of your choosing, maybe boat shoes or ballet flats or sports sandals or sneakers or even boots (you can wear them on the plane to save space)

      1. Please do not bring pants that turn into shorts to Europe. While a great idea in theory and also great for hiking the Continental Divide Trail, they look dorky on everyone. My mom and I have been trying for years (to no avail) to convince my dad to confine his multiple pairs to hiking activities only. I am a very outdoorsy person and I live in soft shell pants and fleece jackets. But I draw the line at zip off pants.

        1. Yeah, maybe not in Europe. I always turned up my nose at “travel clothing,” too, but when I was in Southeast Asia in December 2012, the most put-together-looking woman in our group was wearing mostly “travel clothing” from places like Magellan. And you know what? She looked awesome because she was perfectly dressed for the occasion.

          However I can see how this may not be the best strategy for cities in Europe. I stand corrected.

    3. Most importantly, avoid bulky items like shoes and outerwear. Limit how many pairs of shoes you bring and wear your bulkiest ones on the plane. Instead of packing outfits, choose items that all work with each other. E.g. for a city travel day, I’d wear a skirt like this http://www.costco.com/Tranquility-by-Colorado-Clothing-Ladies%e2%80%99-Skirt—Black-%2526-White.product.100085150.html
      with flats, a coloful tank and a cardigan. Another trick I’ve picked up in traveling is that I take my oldest socks and underwear and throw them away when they’re dirty. Good luck!

        1. “You’ll never meet a traveler who, after five trips, brags: ‘Every year I pack heavier.’ ” –Rick Steves. I am susceptible to overpacking and now put my luggage away with a big note to myself inside that says “Pack lighter!” It’s the first thing I see when I unzip the bag to start packing.

    4. I like to read the Vivienne Files blog. She has some great travel wardrobes that she actually uses rather than just a theoretical travel wardrobe. After her trips she analyzes the wardrobe and makes any suggestions for improvement.
      http://theviviennefiles.blogspot.com/

    5. Just got back from this trip, basically, but with skiing thrown in (it was fantastic!). Definitely plan on doing laundry. I like Senior Attorney’s ideas, especially the washable bit. With several tees (I did primarily 3/4 length), I could get a lot of wear out a a few sweaters and a Chambray button-up. I stuck with ankle booties and flats, plus hiking boots. And scarves! I’d bring at least one thick sweater to keep warm, and a wool or other warm coat if you can handle it (but then, I run cold). I also tend to prefer stretchier, thinner trousers as more comfortable/lighter than jeans.

      I don’t know your method of travel, but I would stongly consider a rolling suitcase rather than a backpack unless you actually intend to be walking long distances.

      Also, ymmv, but I always feel I “blend” in better if I stay away from sneakers and brighter colors, and it makes it easier to mix-and-match. I did a lot of navy/cream and white/gray.

      Minus the ski gear, this was my list. It fit, with toiletries, in my 24″ rolly bag (maybe 35 pounds?). I did laundry 2x (but didn’t wash everything):

      2 thin merino sweaters (gray and olive green)
      1 thick knobby wool sweater (dark gray)
      1 long-sleeved washable top (gray)
      3 3/4-sleeve washable top (navy, dark gray, and navy-and-white striped Breton)
      2 tees (black and ivory)
      Chambray button-up
      1 pair jeans/jeggings (black)
      1 pair ponte ankle pants (gray)
      1 pair dark-wash stright-leg jeans
      2 scarves (ivory and gray/grayish-blue print)
      2 jackets (I did an ultralight black down hooded puffy and an olive army coat, but wish I had brought a wool coat)
      ankle booties (black)
      flats (Payless, 1 nude patent and 1 black patent)
      tights (for underneath everything for warmth)
      2 dresses (one dressy burgundy for an event, one 3/4 sleeve gray for over tights if cold, bare legs if warm)
      favorite watch/sunglasses
      wellies (for the countryside, probably not needed in cities)

      1. Oh, yes! Definitely a chambray button-up shirt! That is one of my travel staples and I forgot to list it!

    6. I was in Europe for 2 months this past summer with 1 50L backpack and this was my packing list. Remember that you should be able to do laundry weekly (if possible, or handwash undies) and leave a little bit of room for souvenirs even if you think you won’t buy any. I came back with a gorgeous pair of APC leather boots that were worth every lb of being carried on my back, and a pair of linen pants from Zara in Italy and a pair of Bensimons from Paris. I had one other small daily bag I used that was usually stuffed inside the big bag for travelling.

      2 Casual day dresses
      1 Casual day to night dress (black, some lace)
      2 casual shorts
      1 casual tank
      1 casual long sleeved shirt (I used a chambray shirt that could be worn with everything)
      1 silk tank
      2 other casual tops for daily wear
      1 pair gym shorts
      2 pair hiking pants (Switzerland)
      PJs (2 tshirts, alternate dirty shirt as gym shirt)
      5 pair underwear
      Jacket (Switzerland)
      Rain jacket (Switzerland)
      Scarf (VERY necessary if in Italy/France/places with churches that might want shoulders covered)
      Bathing suit
      Sunhat
      2 pairs hiking socks, 2 pairs running socks
      Daily walking sandals
      Gym shoes
      Flipflops
      Toiletries bag+some electronics (kindle, laptop, headphones)

    7. I seriously love packing cubes. We took them to Alaska last year for a two week trip and were able to cut down a whole suitcase from the previous year’s trip! I don’t know what the weather will be, but could you make dresses work? They save so much packing space because it’s a whole outfit rather than pants and a top.

    8. I’d add a navy or black blazer and skip the dresses. A smart blazer with dark jeans and nice flats (and a scarf if needed for warmth) is acceptable for virtually all outings in European cities, short of 3-star restaurants, the opera and some extremely particular nightclubs. This outfit also works for day-time with only minor variations, plays nicely with different shoes and can be worn with different elements for cooler/ warmer days.

      I find I seldom pack dresses for city holidays except in the dead of summer when I know I will be fine with just the dress plus sandals. Otherwise, too many additional elements required to make a dress work – higher heels ? Tights ? A complementary cardi ?

  8. Any recs for a realtor in Philly for a buyer? Also, what are everyone’s thoughts on an exclusive buyer agent? This whole finding a realtor process is giving me hives. I just want to look at the houses myself!

    1. I would go with a buyer’s agent. Unless things are different in Philly, someone is going to get that money. If you don’t have a buyer’s agent, the seller’s agent acts as your agent and gets paid for both. In that case it is in their vested interest to close the deal and get you to sign on the line. There is no downside to having your own agent (provided you find one you like). I interviewed 7 agents when we were selling and used the same one to sell our house and buy our new one and he was great. Our first agent (buyers agent only) was not that great. The first time I thought she got a lot of money for nothing and I did almost everything. The second time I didn’t really have to do any work and he took care of a lot of things and made the process really easy and stress-free, yet didn’t pressure us in any way on any decision. Even though it’s hard, take the time to find a good agent. It’s worth it. Only possible exception is if in your area not having the agent means no one gets paid. In that case, maybe it’s worth it to save the 3%. But I really don’t think it works that way generally.

      1. Thanks for the advice. Yes, you described how it works here. How did you go about interviewing agents? Did you just call and ask a list of questions?

    2. We found our realtor (not in Philly) at an open house. She was staffing the open house for someone she worked with. While she wasn’t an exclusive buyer agent (I think what you mean by this is someone who never represents sellers), she told us that she specialized in first time buyers. We like her–she seemed patient, not pushy, fairly in-the-know–so we went with her to see houses. A friend of mine (same area as me, sorry) worked with an exclusive buyer agent and was quite happy as well, though.

      It seemed like a lot of commitment at first, but it was so much more efficient than going to open houses on our own. She put together a list and mapped them all out, and then her husband drove us around so we didn’t have to waste time finding parking. I found the listing myself for the house that we bought, but I definitely credit her with getting the area on our radar and getting us to feel comfortable that we’d seen enough different things to know what we wanted. Plus, her work putting together our offer, communicating with the sellers, and leading up to and during closing were invaluable.

      1. What’s causing some of the anxiety is that we looked at houses last year and found an agent at an open house who specialized in first time home buyers. She ended up balking at negotiating (saying the sellers would be “offended” at our first offer of $11k below list price) and pushing us to sign things without looking. We backed away and decided to stop looking for a year because of the experience.

        It sounds like you hit a home run- what you described is exactly what I want. I might use your experience as a template for the interview. Thanks!

        1. Sorry. That sucks. We also asked for references and talked to some people who recently worked with our realtor before we went with her. Maybe try that, if you weren’t already planning to do so.

    3. Try Rebecca Fischer at Berkshire Hathaway Fox and Roach. becca [@] cityblockteam [dot] com

  9. Need to vent. The day before my trip, I bought a bathing suit at H&M. I asked about the return policy and was told it could be returned within 30 days so long as the tags were attached. I ultimately decided not to keep the suit and took it back today to return. They changed their return policy 3 days ago and now will not take it back. I felt like I was banging my head into a brick wall as I tried to explain that they could not retroactively change the policy. Ugh.

        1. I looked up their policy online and it says not for bathing suits or underwear for hygienic reasons (i.e. those items are always final sale). Do you know if they actually changed the policy since you purchased or if you were told the policy by an uninformed salesperson? What does it say on your receipt re: returns?

          2. Wow. I would have said they should honor what they told you their policy was even if the person that said it was wrong, but this is just outrageous. I would elevate to the manager of the store and then call your cc company as others suggested.

    2. Ugh, that’s why I hate stores like H&M and F21. I would call their central customer service and complain, and elevate to the managers on there if necessary. If that doesn’t work, I’d file a chargeback on my credit card. I find that gets shady merchants’ attention REALLY fast.

    3. Did you buy it with a credit card? I would initiate a charge back for this situation.

    6. Charge it back. They have to honor the return terms that were in effect when they sold you the item.

    7. I went to another store and they processed the return with no problems. I must have run into an associate on a power trip.

  11. I think my (rented) apartment has carpet beetles and I’m freaking out. I already called maintenance and they came in and sprayed and left sticky traps (and also said they’ll have an exterminator come by within the next couple of weeks. I don’t know what I need to be doing at this point. I hate, hate, hate bugs of any sorts and the way I discovered them was awful (was about to put on a pair of not recently worn shoes when I saw a tiny orange larvae worm thing). My apartment is generally kept neat and clean but I’m definitely going to be vacuuming when I get home tonight and throwing out the trash. Do I need to wash all the clothing in my closet (where my shoes had been and where I discovered an adult carpet beetle). My clothing is mostly hanging but I have some in plastic drawers in the closet as well. I wouldn’t normally hesitate and wash it all but I currently don’t have easy access to machines and lack the time needed for a laundromat. Gah, I am so nauseous and panicky. Also, do I need I worry about possibly inadvertently bringing them along with me to places?

    1. I’m so sorry! I had bedbugs a couple of years ago and it was just the worst. My advice is to wash everything and get those giant ziplock vacuum bags (or garbage bags if you can’t find the vacuum ones) and put all your clean clothes in those until you can get an exterminator in. Also, a lot of stuff like pillows and blankets can just go in the dryer for an hour or two. If you could stay at a friend’s house for a bit (just bringing a backpack with freshly washed stuff so you don’t spread them!) that might make you feel better too. I totally understand the grossed out/panicky feeling! It can be so stressful to not feel comfortable in your own house.

      1. So based on my skimpy research on my phone, it seems like bedbugs are an entirely different story than most other infestations. Do you really think carpet beetles are on par with bedbugs? The maintenance guy didn’t even know what carpet needles were (I had to show him my googled pictures) but he seemed unconcerned about it potentially being a big problem. (And he happens to be an awesome maintenance guy, I’ve known him for a while)

        1. No, I don’t think they are nearly as bad (for one thing, they don’t bite you, right?). These are just suggestions that might give you peace of mind if you’re freaking out. Don’t worry, they seem to be pretty easy to deal with overall.

    3. We had carpet beetles in our rental. It sucked, but was actually surprisingly easy to fix – we basically just washed our vulnerable clothes (woolens and silks) and stored them into airtight bins, and then vacuumed religiously. We still try not to leave clothes out where they could get eaten, but last night I noticed a wool hat that I’d accidentally left on the floor of the closet that had the infestation, and it was fine.

      1. Seeing that you don’t have time to go to the laundry – I would package your vulnerable clothes individually in airtight bags (just a tied up garbage bag or ziploc each) until you have a chance to do laundry. That way if there are beetles/eggs in one item, the infestation won’t spread.

      2. That’s very reassuring to know. I’m actually moving in 5 weeks to another state, but I don’t want to live with the bugs until I move! I’d rather just deal with the problem.

        1. Good luck! We had been in the bad habit of throwing dirty cloths on our closet floor, and they ate holes in two of my favorite sweaters. Lesson learned – all my woolens live in plastic boxes now.

    4. I didn’t think carpet beetles were a big deal. I’ve had a couple (including the worm larvae thing) at a couple places I lived and they never turned into any infestation. Sometimes they would just be on my dirtiest clothes in my hamper. Socks, gym underwear. They were perfectly clean again when they came out of the washing machine. I highly doubt you will end up w/ them everywhere. It is just a sign of spring. Stay off google!

      1. I honestly love you for your post. Thank you so much, I’m surprisingly much calmer now!

        1. Glad you feel better! Also glad no one came back to say “ewwwww bugs on your dirty underwear?? You are gross!!!” I did briefly hesitate to admitting this just in case you were right and I was wrong about carpet beetles. I stand by my position.

          Also, if it makes you feel better, the first time I saw the worm like larvae I thought I had maggots and really freaked out. My dad (a scientist) just looked at me with that “are you for real?” face and said “it’s just a baby carpet beetle.” The actual beetles aren’t scary looking either. They are kind of cute.

  12. My reply function won’t work, but could this be a male version of post-partum/ adjustment disorder? Apparently this can happen to guys too. Sounds like you both have a lot of stressors and probably aren’t sleeping the best with a new baby. Sometimes the coping skills break in a person when faced with new stressful situtations. If you don’t have a therapist in your pocket, perhaps call your OB and ask for a referral for your husband to someone who is used to dealing with PPD/new parents and see if they treat men as well.

  13. I have two out of town interviews next week (Thurs, Fri). Do I need to bring two full suits as a just in case or would one suffice? Or same jacket but both skirt and pants? Obviously two shirts, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

    1. Would it be relatively easy to bring both full suits? If so I might do it just to be safe. It’s really unlikely you would need more than one suit, but you never know. I think I’d feel better being prepared in case something happened to my clothes on the first day.

        1. Ugh I knew this was the right thing to do, but I was really hoping to avoid it. Thanks for the confirmation.

          1. I mean, some things can be overkill (like bringing 5 suits because you don’t know what the weather will be, etc.), but in your situation, I don’t think bringing 2 would be out there at all. For me, it would be worth the peace of mind.

    2. Do you “need” two suits? Probably not. Will you regret bringing a second suit if you spill, sweat profusely, snag a sleeve, etc? Yes. Definitely worth the extra weight in luggage to bring it. This is definitely one of those better safe than sorry moments.

  14. Hi all,

    I am about to move from NYC to LA for a job downtown (law). Does anyone have suggestions on moving companies / places to live? I would like to live close to work (downtown) for at least the first year and later find (maybe buy) a place closer to the beach or somewhere more “neighborhoody”. Though, I’ve heard good things about Los Feliz, silverlake, etc. Anyone have good suggestions?

    TIA.

    2. When will you be here?

      I would recommend any place with a short commute. Downtown has lots of trendy lofts, and Little Tokyo has a nice mix of a local/neighborhood feel with plenty of restaurants, while still being close to the financial/civic center.

    3. Yes, the best place to live in Los Angeles is close to your job. A life in LA where you never have to get on a freeway during rush hour is the best of all possible worlds. You do NOT want to have to drive from the beach to downtown every single day, twice a day, believe me.

      I like the Little Tokyo/Arts District part of downtown a lot. You should be able to find something fab close to your work.

      There are also neighborhoody options along the metro. South Pasadena has a gold line station and is pretty awesome, for example.

    4. I have moved to/from NYC and CA (northern and southern) four times. For each move but one, I used New York California Express to move my stuff. They were reliable, stuck to their estimate, and careful with my belongings. Plus they were a lot less expensive than many other companies. Good luck!

      1. Thanks guys! I will look around that area.

        I will probably be there around the end of May / June or in August. The firm told me to take the July bar so I imagine my start date will be a little before or after the bar exam (July is “off” to study).
        So, I still have some time, but I’m getting really excited!

          1. And now that there’s a Trader Joe’s in downtown… Score! You could also try Highland Park (gentrifying), South Pasadena (on the Gold Line), Pasadena (ditto)… Silver Lake is fun and young.

    2. Cute top, and in a colour other than cream/white I would say sure, but even with a different colour pencil skirt you might piss off a bride or have other guests be snarky about misappropriating a “bridal” colour (unless it’s an Indian wedding?)).

      1. I just posted some anecdata and am stuck in moderation. Seconding the recommendation to consider another color!

    3. YMMV, but I wore a similar lacy, ivory top with a pencil skirt to a wedding a decade ago and definitely regretted it. I heard a couple comments about looking awfully bridal from well-meaning friends, and I assume they weren’t the only ones to think it. The bride may not have cared, but I hate that I could have even potentially upset her. I have always been very careful to avoid lace and white/cream/ivory since then!

    4. Dress barn is somewhat low end, and I think the top looks pretty bridal what with the ivory lace. Plus I feel like top and pencil skirt doesn’t scream wedding to me… So it doesn’t sing to me for this…

  16. I hope that counseling / third parties can help provide some insight into your situation. Since some of the up-discussion comments focused on safety, I thought I’d share this.

    A friend of mine had a baby with her husband. A few months into being the mother of a newborn, something snapped in her husband (I can’t say how he was before, he always seemed OK, but he became an unstable mess). She wound up moving home with the baby due to her concerns about their mutual safety with the husband. While some people may be lazy jerks who don’t work, that is what he has become (but with a diagnosis and now some meds (he is not dangerous now, but was initially and I believe that there was some inpatient treatment at one point). He moved home, too, hasn’t worked in about a decade and only has supervised visits with a trusted relative present (they are very supportive of everyone — no blaming the friend and wanting the baby to close to his cousins). My friend and the baby are fine — the baby is now old enough to drive a car — and other than the initial bumpiness, have been fine.

    He really did snap at the newborn pressure and when your gut says run, please listen to it.

  18. Anyone here dating or married to a psychopath?
    We have a pretty good, non manipulative or abusive relationship, but I can’t help but be scared I may be let go if I ever don’t live up to my use value. He cares for exactly 4 people and 2 cats, and even that is superficially as his capacity for empathy, altruism, and sympathy are pretty minimal. I just don’t know what to do? Our relationship is technically awesome but in the back of my mind I cant shake the thought that I care for him in a much greater capacity than he cares for me.

    1. You do know what to do. That’s why you’ve noticed that you don’t feel he has the level of empathy, etc. that feels “normal.” That is your inner voice telling you that you deserve someone who will care for you just as much as you care for them.

      I think there is an excitement and challenge to dating people who seem complicated or frequently distant. But honestly, life is hard enough on it’s own. At the end of the day, coming home to a spouse whom you feel comfortable with and who is kinder than anyone else you know is what it’s all about. Just my .02 after being happily married for the past eight years. He may be a great person and a lot of fun to date. But I think you need to think long and hard about what married would feel like. When you’re 60, 70, 80–do you want to have to still be worried about whether you’re living up to your value?? I wouldn’t want to feel that way at any age.

    2. Maybe I’m just jumpy after reading all the comments for Preg3L (and adding my own five volumes), but please make sure that you’re OK and safe re this guy, not only right now, but also if you decided to end your relationship with him.

      Anon at 9:42 p.m. Talked about your inner voice saying you deserve someone who cares for you as much as you care for them. Well, I got uneasy when I read your words “but I can’t help but be scared I may be let go if I ever don’t live up to my use value.” My _own_ inner voice started asking “Is there anything else that Psychopaths finds scary?” and “What else might her inner voice be noticing?”

      Like I said, maybe I’m just being extra careful, but take care. Stay in touch with your usual supportive people. If you’ve lost touch with them, get reconnected. And make sure that these people are NOT the same as the “exactly 4 people” for whom your SO cares.

      1. P.S. You don’t need to apologize for having your own observations and perceptions! We women do this far too much. There’s a difference between heeding and trusting our own good sense and STOMPING around in Ellen caps IMPOSING OUR VIEWPOINTS on EVERYBODY in OUR LIVES. Using humor to make the point, but underneath the joke I’m serious.

        1. You guys are basically suggesting I leave him for having adhd or anxiety because you’ve internalized tv and movie stereotypes.

          Again, no abuse, or anything negative. Just my own over thinking. He loves me as much as he is physically able. He’s a very supportive partner. If I were to say “my partner has adhd and I’m worried I’ll always have to be the one to keep a schedule”. I feel like the answers would be a whole lot less judgey.

          That being said his disorder has a lot of great attributes like maintaining a healthy lifestyle and it gives

          1. I think that when you describe someone as having minimal capacity for empathy, altruism, or sympathy, it’s very hard for people to figure out how that works in the long term. You describe yourself as afraid that you’ll be discarded if you don’t meet your “use value.” No one is judging you, but what you’ve described doesn’t sound like it has a lot of upside for you – clearly “technically awesome” means that this doesn’t quite feel right for you.

          2. Am I missing something here? First post made him sound pretty difficult to imagine him as a stable, loving long-term partner. But those who have suggested you leave him are too judgey?
            I will say 2 things sans judgement. I dated a man kind of like you describe and I loved him, hoped to marry him one day. He had a lot of friends but he was very emotionally unavailable and he did not want to get married. The man I actually did marry treated me much better and had much more empathy, kindness. I really felt that is the kind of person who would make a better life partner.

            A friend of mine also helped me understand this. Her cousin had a child who died very young and she told me about how she had seen both parents – the man and the woman – in the hospital taking turns holding the child and comforting her and how it really impressed on her that the partner you want in life is the one who you know is going to be right there by your side during the difficult times. She asked me if that first guy would have been there and I honestly couldn’t say yes but I know my husband would be.

          3. Yes, I think certain problems are worse for relationships than others. ADHD is not as much of an issue in a relationship as being unable to show empathy or connect. Isn’t that the exact thing that relationships are ALL about- connection, empathy, support? I disagree with your analysis, OP.

    3. anonymous here for clear reasons.

      I am probably (no brain scans, but several diagnoses) a psychopath. A common idea is that no psychopath would ever admit to being a psychopath, but (link to follow) some definitely do! I have very little capacity for empathy and view the world in a cold and calculating way. My parents thought I maybe had some form of autism until I started acting a little more “scary.”

      I have also been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years, married for 7 of those years. My husband knew about my diagnosis before we were married. He is an incredibly empathetic, patient, warm man. What makes this work?

      I decided as a teenager that just because my brain was “psycho” I didn’t have to act “psycho.” I am very religious and used theology and moral philosophy as a guide for moral behavior. I read piles of etiquette books to learn how to react appropriately in various situations. I make a conscious, daily effort to behave in an empathetic, caring way because I DO love my husband and my few close family members and friends, and I choose to treat other people AS THOUGH I care about them – so no more “scary” behavior. To me that is much more dependable than relying on my feelings at any given moment.

      I clearly don’t think that it’s an automatic dealbreaker, but I could see why you wouldn’t want to be in this relationship. My husband definitely “cares” about me more than I care about him, but one of the benefits of being married to a psychopath is that we are very deliberate, disciplined people. And I deliberately chose to be his partner and committed to continuing to make that choice, in spite of my brain wiring that would push me towards more promiscuous, manipulative behavior. He likes being married to someone as intense, intentional, and disciplined as me, and he is willing to accept my loving behavior as love.

      My husband will also call me on it when he sees me manipulating others, and I have a good friend from college who calls me out when she sees me manipulating my husband (she lives close enough that she doesn’t have to rely on my version of events, which would obviously be untrustworthy.) It was hard to let them into my inner life that much and I still try to freeze them out sometimes, but again, I’ve tried to make the choice to have people in my life who know me and who I will still listen to. (That’s a common problem with psychopaths – in general I have moved around a lot/changed friend groups as soon as anyone gets to really know me or try to hold me accountable to anything, or tries to see beneath my “charm.”)

      So I guess I would look to see if he has made choices to address his shortcomings and moral failings, and if he sticks with those choices even when it’s uncomfortable.

Comments are closed.