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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: High Rise Crepe Trousers

woman lounges at outdoor cafe table with a laptop and iced coffee in front of her; she wears black loafers, kelly green trousers, a white button-front and a caramel-colored vest; a dark brown bucket bag sits at her feet.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

J. Crew really knows how to do a preppy green pant, don’t they? These crepe trousers manage to look both sophisticated and relaxed, and would look great in a business casual office. I think the trick to wearing a “fun” pant in the office is keeping the top neutral and streamlined. I would pair these with a cropped white blazer this summer and with a black turtleneck and some simple jewelry this fall. 

The pants are $168 at J. Crew and come in sizes 0-16 in classic, petite, and tall sizes.

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Sales of note for 12.5

217 Comments

  1. How important is it that your significant other is someone you can converse with? My longtime SO is a very nice person but not a big talker, not with me or in groups. We are the dining dead when we are one-on-one and I guess we always have been – it just feels more obvious this far into the pandemic. Often I end up just going on about work or politics or something and he just sits there. It sounds pretentious (because it is) but sometimes I’d love more of an intellectual equal.

    1. How important is it to you? I need someone I can have intellectual or even stupid conversations with and engage with. But that’s me. You need to figure out what you can live with, although it sounds like this may not be it.

    2. I think “not a big talker” and “not my intellectual equal” are two different things. I absolutely think my SO is my intellectual equal, and it would bug me if I thought he wasn’t. He isn’t the best dinner conversationalist though – he often gets lost in his thoughts and has no issues with sustained silence, which I find awkward. I’m often the one bringing up a new subject, but I have asked him to make a little bit of an effort on his end. He tries, and I’ve had to learn to deal with the fact that sometimes we sit in silence and maybe people look at us and think wow, those people really have nothing to say to each other. We have a great relationship and often have great conversations, it’s just that he doesn’t master the art of bringing stuff up to fill the silence at a particular moment.

      1. Fwiw I don’t think anyone else notices when a couple is just kind of quiet. It’s not like other diners are studying you to see if you’re speaking. And if they are, they’re probably in the same boat, otherwise they would be focused on the people at their table!

      2. I think we’re married to long-lost identical twins, because this describes my husband to a T. He is super-smart, he reads the news, he reads books, he has plenty to say when he has something to say. He is not much of a small talker, with me or with others. It’s the whole “still waters run deep” thing. I know that he comes across as shy and/or standoffish to people because he’s not great at chatting or light small talk, but he has deep understanding of many complex topics that sometimes I don’t have the patience to fully explore. He’s definitely my intellectual equal. I wouldn’t say he’s the world’s greatest conversationalist. And that’s okay – it works for us. I don’t care if people judge us for being on our phones when we’re eating together; our relationship is great and I’m happier in my relationship than a lot of folks I know.

    3. My husband and I don’t have a load of shared interests beyond our kid and our house, and I fear we resort to life logistics as discussion topics. The pandemic has made it harder and I work in another city so he’s less connected to my work life / doesn’t know my colleagues in the way he used to, so office gossip isn’t as fruitful of subject.

      But my best pal and I talk about culture, books and politics on WhatsApp though out the day so I get my stimulation from that.

      We make each other laugh though, and on rare occasions we get dinner just the two of us, can chat throughout. I think now that kiddo is at school, we are meeting more people and that provides conversational fodder.

      1. You kind of touched on this in your last paragraph, but do you think this is part of the stage of having young kids? Or was it kind of like that before for you, too?

        1. I think it was before, but is probably more pronounced with the pandemic. I’m extroverted, he’s introverted (plus some neurodivergence). We met at work so we didn’t start out with awkward small talk. As he tells it, I just walked in with a big smile and a short skirt (it was a grad school student job for me, in my defense).

          We’re at our best when we’re doing a shared project or activity. He’s one of those people who won’t remember to ask my friend about their new job, but will cheerfully volunteer to help them move.

    4. That sounds kind of sad. Don’t you have shared interests? Things you want to talk to him about? Yes, I think a couple should be able to talk to each other. That seems like the bare minimum in a relationship.

    5. Honestly, now that my husband and I both work from home and walk our dog together multiple times per day – whenever we sit down for meals together we really don’t have much to say because we both know exactly what’s going on in each other’s lives. There isn’t that much to discuss. That being said, if I do bring up a topic he will respond and vice versa. I feel like that is a pretty basic requirement in a relationship. It doesn’t have to be awe-inspiring, but being able to hold a basic conversation with the person you’re most comfortable with in the world feels like a must.

      1. This is us. When we both traveled for work, we had long conversations on the phone at night. But since we started both working at home, sharing an office, and having lunch and dinner together almost every day, we have a lot less to chat about at a given time. The words are now spread throughout the day. DH is my intellectual superior. Which is awesome.

    8. It is very important to me; it’s a big way that we stay connected. In your shoes, I would be asking myself: If talking isn’t how we connect, what IS our “thing” that keeps us interested in each other and feeling close to each other? I’ll admit that I’d have a very hard time being with someone who doesn’t talk much. I don’t have to get all my intellectual stimulation from my partner, but I do need that back-and-forth to feel close to someone.

    9. Is it important to you? It could be a deal breaker or not.

      As an aside I do find it interesting how as a society we seem to think we should get all things from our romantic partners. And I personally think that’s unrealistic. I have a wonderful partner but I also have lots of other relationships with friends and family. No one relationship can possibly provide everything I want or need from a relationship. My friends give me things my partner doesn’t and my partner gives me things my friends don’t.

      You gotta find out what works for you.

    10. I think it varies in importance from couple to couple, but it’s important that the communication styles match and that the partners make an effort to meet each other. Also completely agree with Emma that “not a big talker” and not “an intellectual equal” are two very different things.

      Personally, having a free flowing and easy way of conversing with my partner is one of the #1 things I love about our relationship. We’ve always been very communicative and can have long conversations about whatever. It comes very naturally to both of us, so it’s not something we really have had to work at. Because it comes naturally to us I think we both value it very highly.

      I have two different friends who have mismatches in their communication levels and it sounds like it would be really tough for me to deal with. one describes her time with her husband very much as you do, and they’re actually separated right now. The other has a very kids-focused marriage (probably due to the fact they’ve had a kid the entire marriage), and I hope that as the kids are getting older they can figure out how to have a fulfilling relationship with each other.

    11. The thing I love most about my husband is that he is smarter than me. And he can talk the paint off a car. So yes, it’s important to me. But it’s not really about whether conversation should or shouldn’t be important – it’s about YOU and whether you two are compatible.

      A suggestion, are there topics he is interested in that you could try to engage him on? Sometimes when DH wants to dive into talking about politics, I just don’t have the energy for it after a long, busy day.

      Also, could you try activities other than going out to dinner, where chatting to each other IS the activity? Could you go on hikes or ride bikes or go to the movies, where you’re spending time together but doing something other than conversing?

      Final point: “not talkative enough” and “not my intellectual equal” are two very different points. Plenty of brilliant people are reticent; plenty of bombastic people are idiots.

      1. Years ago, I listened to this Adam Gopnik interview (maybe in the New Yorker, it was before podcasts were a thing) about relationships and he was describing how couples who are struggling tend to think they need big romantic gestures but find that given the lack of trust, a romantic weekend in Paris often falls flat. He recommended figuring out ways of strengthening your loyalty to one another, and figuring out ways to bond through laughter. So silly Youtube videos were more effective than a bed strewn with roses.

        My husband and I definitely enjoy a bike ride, or working in the garden together, or a trip to the theatre more than sitting facing each other at a fancy dinner. Intellectually, we have different strengths. My husband is the KINDEST person I know, but basically doesn’t read, while I keep my local bookshop afloat. We don’t have conversations about the rapid rise of populism, but he makes me laugh, is incredibly supportive of my career, and we’re raising a great kid together.

    12. Wow your last sentence made me think you should break up with him. I was with you up until that point. There’s something about sitting across from each other at the dinner table that can be kind of awkward. With friends, I’m catching up on what’s happening in their lives. With DH, we talk every day, it can be hard to come up with more things to talk about if there’s no other external stimulation. I prefer doing experience things with him, like hiking. We often don’t talk much during the hike but that’s ok we’re still enjoying each other’s company. I’m a bit of a chatterbox so sometimes I wish he were more talkative but that’s just how he is. I would never think that he’s not my intellectual equal, though. His reserved nature has nothing to do with his intelligence.

    13. I don’t think it matters that you don’t talk much at meals if it doesn’t bother you and you talk other times. But this was one of my biggest issues with my ex and part of what contributed to our breakup. We talked throughout the day, so it wasn’t a lack of communication. But when we were eating or otherwise together, his default was always to turn to his phone if we were not actively engaged in something and he didn’t try to talk or engage with me – he just couldn’t stand to be bored for a second, and I think boredom leads to interesting conversations. Like, we went to minigolf and he was looking at his phone during my turns. It made me feel very lonely and wasn’t an environment I wanted to raise kids in (and this is a habit he very much got from his dad)

    14. What you’re describing would be a deal breaker for me, but there’s no “should” here. Only what you and your spouse prefer.

    15. I get this. Before when I went into an office everyday I was getting intellectual stimulation from interacting with the interesting and smart people I worked with. Now, working from home I don’t get that at all. And I don’t get it from my husband, and it’s definitely a problem for me. Probably a deal breaker, but that remains to be seen.

    16. It would be important to me. On the flip side I have a good friend who tends to go on about niche issues most people do not care about. Fortunately she recognizes that about herself and makes a real effort not to monopolize the conversation. Her husband on the other hand cannot put five words together about anything except sports (which is also his job) and his wife/kids but loves to listen to her talk. (And to be clear – the man is not stupid. He just does not talk much.) So they are the perfect couple.

      This is not a right or wrong issue. This is a fit issue.

    17. It sounds like you are disconnected, which is a normal thing in a long relationship. Does your SO know that you would like to talk more? He may think he’s being a great audience to your monologues when you want a dialogue.

      Are you two going on dates? Like something active? Do you watch any shows or movies together?

      1. I think No Face has it right. It’s not necessarily about chitchat; it’s about feeling like a team, however you do that.

    18. It’s extremely important to me. The things I love most about my husband are that he’s intelligent, he’s funny, and he participates in conversations about a very wide range of topics. We do have a young child who’s a lot of work, but a few times per week, DH and I try to take 20-30 minutes together, without outside entertainment or our kid and without talking about logistics. We sometimes have lunch dates, or let the kid stay in the bath while we eat dinner, or just sit on the couch or outside with a glass of wine.

    19. I don’t think I need a super intellectual partner but I definitely need someone I can talk with!

    20. I’m not a big talker myself. I could see how that would create unhappiness in a relationship if the other person needs their partner to be talkative. I’d try to separate “intellectual” from “conversationalist” compatibility. Maybe he isn’t intellectually compatible with you, maybe he’s not conversationally compatible with you, maybe it’s both. Does he talk when you need to have important conversations? Is he actually happier being the listener? Do you want him to ask you more questions about your day and show more active interest? When you want him to talk more with you, are you sitting for a meal or sitting together in the living room at the end of the day, or are you actively doing something together?

      Tbh I would be hurt if my partner thought we weren’t intellectual equals because I can be less talkative. I genuinely enjoy hearing other people talk more than talking myself. Sitting next to or across from someone with the expectation that We Are Engaging In a Conversation makes me clam up even more. But going on a walk or hike with someone, cooking together, or something else mildly active is more likely to make me more talkative with the person I’m doing that with.

    21. If you don’t feel he is your intellectual equal you need to break up now. You will both be frustrated in the long run. No matter how much he claims he loves being with someone who is smarter than him, he will eventually resent you if he thinks you are more intelligent (regardless of whether or not that’s true). And if you really are more intelligent than he is, you will get sick of explaining everything to him ten times or waiting for him to gather his thoughts while trying to express himself.

    22. I’m married to a big talker and sometimes there is too much of a good thing! But I was in a relationship with someone more like your SO before and it didn’t work for me at all. I think it’s personal.

      It sounds like it’s a problem for you or you wouldn’t have posted here. We all get to have our own deal breakers.

    23. What struck me is that you called your longterm SO “a very nice person.” This all reads like you’re settling.

    24. So, I rarely mention this, but I went to Yale. I love long intellectual conversations with people who know and remember obscure details. My husband is super smart, but he does not at all provide this (he reads articles and not fiction, doesn’t like to speculate on or imagine the future, doesn’t necessarily remember details of the articles he reads). We can talk for a while about current problems we are solving, but he’s not really into abstraction.
      I realized long ago that that’s fine. I get my intellectual conversations from friends who like them. My husband is my partner and my team in all the ways that matter — how we manage our household, raise our child, give back to the world, yes, and also just being there when I was giving birth or going through chemo. And he’s very smart, again; it’s just a different (perhaps less verbal? Though he’s better at puns and one liners) smart than me.

      This is all to say: You don’t need scintillating dinner conversation, but you do need a partner. What does that mean to you? What does intellectual equal mean to you? Does it mean matching and mirroring your intelligence? Does it mean other kinds of intelligence? You can choose your needs and deal breakers. You deserve someone who makes you feel like a great team.

      1. To say this in another way that I was worried would trigger mod, I enjoy intellectual masturbation. My partner does not. 😂

        Also, I can tell a Harvard grad within 5 minutes of walking into the room (ahem, my oncologist). Cracks me up.

    25. What stands out to me is that the two of you don’t have much to discuss alone. My husband is an introvert and typically very quiet around others (except for the occasional quips, he loves to joke around) but he is very open and chatty with me. I don’t mind when he is quieter in groups (although I love it when he does occasionally open up) but I would be really bothered if he didn’t talk to ME.

      Of course, I suppose every couple is different and it’s only problematic if you feel neglected or like he is uninterested in what you have to say and/or doesn’t appreciate your need to bond and feel close to him.

    26. Haven’t read any other replies, but I will say that I’ve never had a “level changing” discussion with my DH – those are all girlfriends where they blow my mind with their insights or factoids or siggestions.

      My DH and I have wonderful coversations, albeit mostly while drunk. Places we want to travel, fun ways to renovate the house, gardening plant thoughts.

      But if you think that he’s beneath you, that’s a glaring problem. It ain’t gonna last so cut your losses. Why are you even dating people below you? You’re wasting their time with that attitude.

  2. I desperately need a new psychiatrist in Northern Virginia/DC who takes insurance (I have Blue Cross Blue Shield Highmark). I’ve looked at the BCBS portal but it does not give me any results which is impossible. I also need a therapist, but really need a specialized MD for medication management – I moved here a few months ago and have continued taking my existing med combo even though I know it’s not working. New insurance does not cover psychiatrist in old city. Does anyone have any recommendations? I’d prefer a female provider, but getting desperate. It seems everyone is in private practice and does not take insurance.

    1. I’ve been using both my therapist and psychiatrist at Washington Nutrition Group and have liked both women I work with. I don’t have BCBS anymore, but when I originally started with them, that was the coverage I had and they took it. When I wanted to start with the psychiatrist, I was able to get in with her pretty quickly (either by the end of the same week or early the next week, once my therapist and I decided to start medication).

    2. I saw a psychiatrist in NOVA about 11 years ago who was great about meds – it’ll take me a while but I’ll try to look her up.

      In the meantime – do you have a PCP who’d be willing to call in a Genesight test for you? Or barring that, be able to work with you on dosages or combinations? I know they don’t have the deep knowledge of psych meds, but they might be able to help you until you find a psychiatrist who takes your insurance.

      1. I’m sorry – I purged all my old emails and chats and I don’t have any record of her name, and no one I’m pulling up on google rings a bell. If I remember at 3am tomorrow I’ll be sure to post.

    3. I have BCBS in DC area and was very nervous about any psychiatrists that didn’t take insurance. I wound up caving and reaching out to Capital Mental Health after feeling really desperate for medication support after a missed miscarriage after 18 months of infertility and multiple IVF transfers. The rates are super high on paper, I think the initial 60 min consult was $400 and the 30 min follow ups are $200 but I was pleasantly surprised that when I submit them for out of network reimbursement I wind up with a $40 payment for the 30 min follow ups. So I think it’s worth checking your OON benefits and possibly taking a gamble on going with someone who doesn’t take insurance. Your individual BCBS plan will obviously vary. I have liked my provider at Capitol mental health, Elspeth Dwyer.

      1. I’ve gone this route before and I would have to hit my very high deductible first, unfortunately.

    4. One idea that isn’t great, especially if you’re already not feeling well, but as a last resort….

      In my state, insurance companies are required to have sufficient in-network providers for each specialty and can be compelled to reimburse for out of network providers to keep the patient’s cost at the in-network level if they don’t. I don’t know if this is common, but your state insurance regulator should be able to help.

  3. I’m having the hardest time dressing myself lately. Getting ready for my first in-person hearing in a while this morning, I realized that the shapes of my various clothing pieces don’t seem to go together anymore. For example, my ankle pants look ridiculous with the many pre-pandemic blazers I own that are hip-length – the pants seem to require a longer blazer and, of course, my longer blazers don’t match the pants I had planned to wear. The shorter blazers used to look good over sheath dresses, but the dresses themselves seem outdated now. I feel like I need to chuck out the whole closet and start fresh.

    1. I’m feeling the same way on chucking my closet out. I’m trying to satisfy that impulse with a few new pieces and white knuckling it until the season change when I’ll have a different set of clothes. I’m not sure what I’ll do if the feeling persists after that!

    2. I think you are being too hard on yourself! When I do court hearings, everyone is dressed exactly like they did before the pandemic. Court attire does not change as fast as office attire. Your sheath dresses are definitely not outdated.

  4. Has anyone here had a bre@st lift?

    I am done having children and pregnancy and bre@st feeding really did a number on me. I have always been on the large side in the chest area but now I am super saggy. I am now at a place where my weight is otherwise relatively stable and I don’t really anticipate gaining or losing much weight. I’m otherwise pretty content with my body other than this. It’s both uncomfortable and I honestly hate how it looks.

    Asking if anyone has had it done, has any regrets, or things they wish they’d know in advance. I assume I’d have to pay out of pocket. The internet searches all seem very self serving so hoping to get some honest feedback from a real person.

    1. I had a lift with augmentation then had the implants removed 4 weeks later (that’s a story for another day or if you feel like digging in the archives, I’ve posted about it before). The lift results were great. Every Dr you see will encourage you to get implants because a lift will not give you the look of a full, perky, young bre@st. Don’t know if that matters to you but it will come up at consultations. The scaring is bad; I assume you’ve seen the pictures. But like a tattoo, you stop noticing after a while. One thing to note, weight changes will affect the results. I had the surgery at 36 years old. I’m now 46, in a post-covid/perimenopause, body. But I got a good few years out of the surgery.

      1. Thanks! Super helpful. I actually have debated a reduction so losing some size would be a plus!

        Follow up question, after you healed, did you lose any sensation? Particularly on n!pples?

        1. I lost about 90% sensation in my n!pples. Yes, 90%. I actually got both my n!pples pierced about a year after the surgery. That helped give back some sensation.

    2. Per today’s DM, Kristin Cavalleri had one after kid 3. Babies do take their toll. For me, it wasn’t so much the babies as it was hitting perimenopause and having shape-shifting begin the day after delivery it seemed (I also turned 40 while nursing), so I’m more in need of an overhaul than just one area in need of a boost.

    3. No personal experience. Secondhand experience: a woman who had this done whose chest resembled “tube socks” without a br@. With proper garments, she looked fine; take off the br@ and it was bad. Lift worked wonders.

      Apparently, that’s a good standard for whether or not someone will be happy with the results of a lift.

    4. Check out lots of before and after photos for local surgeons in real self. That will give you an idea of how you feel about the results.

      1. There is also a breast reduction subreddit that I read while making my decision. My reduction surgery is scheduled!

    5. My best friend had implants in your situation, right after childbirth/breast feeding. In her case there wasn’t a lot of natural breast tissue so the surgeon said implants were the only way.

      She went around with bigger b00bs than she really wanted for like 10 years and finally got them removed and got a lift, which is what she originally wanted but got strong armed out of. She’s definitely in the IBTC now but they’re high and perky and she doesn’t have to wear a bra. She’s very happy with it.

  5. For the second time in the last year and change, I put a new J. Crew sweater (not cashmere) in the dryer on low per the care label, and it came out shrunk. Anybody else had this problem?

    1. I don’t trust the dryer with sweaters, ever. I hang dry them all and fluff up in dryer for 5 mins after fully dry.

    3. What I’m about to say doesn’t help you much, I’m afraid. I would never put a sweater in the dryer, on any temp, no matter what the label says. Correction: I put sweaters in for a few minutes (2-3) just to get the wrinkles to release, then quickly take them out and dry them flat, (shaping them as I lay them out, so that seam lines and hems are straight and even).

      Actually, that’s what I do with all my clothes, not just sweaters: in the dryer for a few minutes to release wrinkles, then air dry.

    4. Yes! I absolutely ruined a J Crew sweater blazer that way. It was an accident, but theoretically low dryer was okay per the care instructions.

        1. It’s not just you! I had always line dried this item and the first time it went through the dryer, it became sized for a dog rather than a human woman.

          1. I had something similar happen. I’d washed the sweater and done the half-dry in the dryer before so I thought I’d be fine. Nope! Acrylic/poly/nylon sweaters are usually fine, but anything with cotton or wool is a crapshoot.

    6. If the care instructions advise you to dry on low and you dried on low and it shrunk, I’d say that’s a good case for a return and refund.

      Like others, I only line dry sweaters. Sorry.

    7. Many of the JCrew garments I have bought in the past 2ish years have not been preshrunk, and when I was them carefully (cold-, or hand-wash), the shirts which fit great or loose, are too tight the next wear, which is a week later. This is not a me issue–it’s a poor quality issue, which is why I don’t buy anything full price there anymore, and more of my preppy spend has moved to talbots and boden.

      1. PS–I only hang-dry. This is not even a dryer issue–it’s a not pre-shrinking their garments issue, which is just cheap.

  6. I’m starting a new gym, and if I go 5 times in 4 weeks I’m rewarding myself with a gym bag. What’s your favorite?

    1. I have an adidas brand one that’s that tubular style, from their Marimekko collaboration. I love it – it’s sporty but also stylish

      1. I actually did not need to know that adidas had a Marimekko collaboration, but I now I have a rain jacket on the way.
        Thanks!

    3. Oooh no specific recommendations, but thanks for posting!! – this reminded me that rewards are my favorite kind of motivation for working out. About to start a new challenge for myself and now I’m going to figure out a good reward.

      1. I wonder if experiences might be a nicer and more sustainable reward? You aren’t going to return the new piece of jewelry if you stop working out, but you will miss the massage you book after 10 visits, or the book you read in the cafe near the gym after an early Saturday yoga class?

        1. Eh, I think the gym bag makes sense as a one-time reward for getting started. I do this sometimes in the sense of “I won’t invest in new equipment/clothes/etc. for this activity until I’ve tried it enough times to be sure I’ll keep it up.”

        2. Nope, for me an actual physical reward is pretty effective. I’ve done this in the past. Experiences won’t cut it, because I would never cancel a massage. and I’m kids free so the cafe/book post yoga class situation happens very regularly for me. :) However I won’t buy the thing until I reach the goal, and I am a person who genuinely enjoys my things long after I have purchased them. I’m not a minimalist at all, but fairly particularly as to what gets to come in and stay in my home, and I keep things for a long time. I also enjoy the experience of shopping for a particular item while doing the challenge. so if I decide I’m going to buy a new pair of gym shoes after 20 days of rowing, I will enjoy the 20 days of internet window shopping for the gym shoes and the shopping keeps me motivated. But at the end, I genuinely really do get long term enjoyment out of a thing I’ve carefully selected.

    4. Following! Looking for a gym bag with a lot of pockets. I usually keep KT tape, water bottle, a running flashlight, wipes, body glide, and feminine hygiene in my bag. Also use it for the pool, and sometimes the gym and then the pool. It’s annoying to have things flying around.

    5. I love my Lulu gym bag. Good size, lots of pockets. Before I needed a bigger bag I had an Iviva bag that was a super fun purple that lasted for years and is now being used by a coworker’s daughter for dance who loves the color.

  7. I got a Talbots catalog yesterday. I love that the models are smiling and they had some really cute tipped sweater jackets. I love that most everything comes in petite. My mom and aunt (who is now lost due to the ravages of early onset dementia) used to live to shop together there. It made me smile so much to get it.

    1. That is such a beautiful memory. My mother is in the late stages of “regular” dementia. Shopping was one of our favorite things to do together.

      1. I how you both but things that make you smile and think of them. Also mom in late stages of regular also received talbot cataloge yesterday. I plan on buying her a few things because she will still know and do will I.

  8. My husband and I want to do better at managing our shared to-do list, which previously existed only as random scraps of paper strewn around the house. Right now we have a shared google doc, with tasks listed under days (e.g. today, sometime this week, and “someday”), each with a person’s name next to it. When one of us finishes a task, we delete it. Is there any reason to use an app (Evernote, Google keep, etc) instead of this system — do any of the apps add cool functionality we’re missing? All thoughts and recommendations welcome!

    1. The best system is the one you use, regardless of the cool functions of other apps. If this is working for you, I’d keep with what you have. Like I know that Mint and YNAB have way cooler features and would likely be very handy, but I actually use the same Excel spreadsheet for our finances that I’ve used for over a decade…it’s not broken, I’m not fixing it. :)

      That said – If you have iPhones, I personally I like the Notes app quite a bit for to do lists, but that’s because I go between my laptop and iPhone all day long. You can share one Note and check things off. If you have recurring to dos (like changing the furnace filter, giving the dog the heartworm medicine, etc), then I would put those as recurring events on a shared calendar.

      I also would use a spreadsheet (so google sheets) above a doc, so that I could cut/paste the row to a complete tab, rather than deleting it. I’d probably also date the completion date. However this may be just my vast preference for spreadsheets above docs talking.

    2. This is bananas! Girl, just do your things and track them however you track anything you need to do. Leave process improvement and spreadsheets at the office.

    3. Honestly, the system that works best for us is a whiteboard on the fridge. List all tasks and erase as they are completed.

      1. +1 for Todoist. We have several shared task lists–one for day-to-day chores and errands, one for projects around the house, and one for financial/banking stuff. I like that we can calendar tasks (but you don’t have to for the “someday” items), create recurring events (like taking out the trash on the correct nights), and assign things to a specific person. The app has a satisfying sound when you check an item off.

        We also use Paprika to store recipes, plan meals, and make grocery lists.

    5. I like google keep because we can easily add to it by speaking to our Google smart speakers – “add garlic to my shopping list” and etc. I also find it easier to pull up on my phone when out in the world, versus a google doc. Most of our lists are “errand related” so that makes sense. If your method works don’t fix it…

  9. Hello! To all those who offered to chat with me (young lobbyist/GR professional ) in dc about starting a job search, thank you! Moving on from your first job is way more anxiety inducing than I thought.

    I created an email for those of you open to connecting – govrel123456 @ gmail. I used to live in NYC and have dabbled in state-level work (had some wins for a newbie!) so I’m actually thinking of applying for jobs there before I start in dc. I know these types of jobs are hard to come by in NYC though so dc will still be a part of the picture at some point.

    Again, thanks so much! This community helped me through law school and now in the next phase of life. Hopefully I can pay it forward one day too.

  10. Inspired by a post earlier this week about leggings: I’d love to buy more of my favorite discontinued lululemon leggings on Poshmark or eBay, but I don’t remember what they’re called! Does this ring a bell for anyone:
    Black, 7/8 length, mid-rise (not high-waisted)
    The softest fabric ever – not for working out, more for lounging. Doesn’t feel “sleek” like some of lulu’s new leggings, just cozy, like a fall sweater
    No drawcord; thick waistband with no built-in pockets
    I bought them pre-covid

    Thank you to anyone who might be able to help!

    3. Check out the website “Lulu Fanatics”. It has seemingly everything they’ve ever made listed.

    4. Sounds like the “align” leggings. I think the more recent iterations are high-waisted, but I think previous versions were more mid-rise.

    5. Thank you all so much! I didn’t have an online receipt (I think I bought in-store), but I looked on Lulu Fanatics and they look like the Align pants, just as anonypotamus suggested! (One day I will figure out how Reddit works, but today was not that day.)

  11. Trigger: Weight loss question.

    I gained 20 pounds as a result of hormonal issues (massive fibroids) and pandemic eating (food became my hobby). I have tried and failed several times to lose the weight. I dislike food tracking, but it seems to be the only thing that consistently keeps me on track and honest with myself. It is too easy for me to justify larger portion sizes or otherwise not-great choices when I don’t see the evidence in black and white. However, I also don’t like feeling obsessed with numbers or like I’m trying to “save” calories for later. Is there a way to do this and stay accountable to myself without getting all up in my head about it? I have tried intuitive eating and while I like the idea in theory, I have learned that I can justify just about any treat I want. I would like to get to a place where my choices are 80% balanced to fuel my body / 20% for pure enjoyment.

    1. A few tricks that work for me. Make a deal with yourself that for one week you will track everything that you *normally* eat. Not restricting your eating, just taking stock of what you do eat and how many calories it is. Normally, that gut check will cut out some needless eating (bye bye work snack basket). Another trick that sounds silly, it is amazing how much less you eat when you have smaller plates. Not talking about salad plates, but just standard sized dinner plates without a big rim on them. Our Thanksgiving plates are all vintage and smaller, and it’s amazing how much less sick people feel afterwards because you get that moment to pause before eating seconds (or thirds).

      1. +1 I’m doing this now (I use my fitness pal) and agreed with myself that I will eat what I want and when I want. It has made me more aware of my snacking and portion sizes so it has been helpful. When I find myself standing in my pantry at 3:30 I ask myself whether I’m really hungry or whether I just want to put something into my mouth. If I am genuinely hungry, then I have a snack!

    2. Sounds like you need to plan your meals. Be realistic – if you have a little 300 calorie lunch, you’re going to be ravenous by the time 4 pm rolls around. Portion out your food when you are doing this. You will eventually re-learn what normal portion sizes are. Find an alternative to treats if food is becoming your hobby.

    3. Calorie counting has never worked for me, I get way too obsessive and then burn out quickly. I tried Noom and paid extra for a “personalized” food plan (extremely overpriced), and while I don’t recommend Noom overall, I ended up really liking the method used in the food plan.

      It breaks down each meal into “servings” of protein, fat, grains, etc. So I don’t actually count calories, but I use their framework for building my meals. I’ve linked images of the only two useful pages below so you don’t have to pay $100+ ;) (Note I’m vegetarian so the protein list reflects that).

      https://ibb.co/t4Lv1T7
      https://ibb.co/vj9qZ3W

    4. I tracked my food religiously until it became just the way I ate. I don’t even think about it now. My advice is to accept that you are changing your lifestyle, instead of doing a short term project of weight loss, and act accordingly.

      My food choices are 100% to fuel my body and 100% for pure enjoyment. That means that I eat lots of healthy food that I personally find delicious. I only eat small amounts of heavy/greasy/salty/whatever foods because eating a lot of that makes me feel sluggish anyway. I don’t force myself to eat “healthy” foods that suck. I think chicken breasts is bland so I don’t eat it.

      So, I used to get the largest burger AND fries AND milkshake when I got take out. Now I splurge on a giant platter of sashimi because it is yummy and feel great after. Instead of 5 beers at the lake, I enjoy one gin and tonic and savor 4 sparkling waters. I enjoy every second of it. Life is too short to hate what you eat every day.

    5. I’m struggling with this too. I’m experimenting with different “rules” around eating: Use a small plate. You cannot have seconds until you do some other activity for at least 10 minutes – take a walk or do a hobby. Have quiet hobbies that occupy your hands, like needlepoint, painting, or calligraphy. No eating after 8.

    6. I’m in the same boat. I decided to stop tracking two weeks ago and have put on weight already but I don’t want to be tied to tracking forever. I’m trying to shift my mindset to focusing on not on whether I weigh more but on whether I’ve done something to make my body stronger that day – hopefully that will help me combat my weight centric view of food and up my exercise, and get me to the right overall place. The “rules” I’m playing with are to load my plate with at least half veggies for every meal, to limit alcohol and other calorie laden drinks to Friday nights and weekends, and to forego sugary treats during coffee runs / office shindigs since I usually don’t really enjoy those anyways.

    7. Actual intuitive eating is not about losing weight, so can understand why that didn’t fit your needs.

    8. Can you come up with some pre planned breakfast and lunch items? You can calculate calories or whatever ahead of time to fit in a goal. Then you just eat between those choices and do not have to obsess. Same with snacks – maybe prep those once a week, like make a nice veggie tray or something so it’s ready. Eat a sensible dinner without trying to calculate anything.

    10. I like to track my food but I do it in a very lowkey way that keeps me accountable without making me crazy. I just do a spreadsheet, one line per day (I’ve also just done a notebook). I write what I eat but don’t track calories or macros. If I eating 5 pieces of candy, I write it down. If I binge, I write down BINGE and it reminds me that I felt terrible afterward. It helps me see what I am prone to heading to the candy bowl, what meals I’ve liked and maybe keep me satiated, when I go overboard on dessert, etc. I’ve found just the simple act of recording helps me to be mindful and also acknowledge that there are times and places to just enjoy whatever. I also make note of my workouts there too. I usually don’t bother recording food on weekends.

  12. My friends and I were debating whether someone can be friends with an ex, and I would be interested in the hives thoughts. Adult relationship of multiple years, they lived together for over a year, no kids, and a few overlapping friends. Although the breakup was technically mutual, it was because one of them wasn’t willing to get married or provide a timeline of when they may be ready to. I’ve never seen it work, outside of some high school and college relationships where they were forced to be around each other. Do you think such people can be friends after a cooling off period? Why?

    1. Oh yeah. I’m fantastic friends with my ex husband – and I think his new wife is a better fit for him than I ever was! I’m good friends with a couple college boyfriends, too. But there are a couple exes I’d never speak to. It just depends on the terms of the break-up and the personalities at play.

      1. I tell my ex that I’m friends with that I’m the best ex-wife he never had (dated but never married). He is a great guy, 5/5 would recommend. We were just together when our lives were pulling us in opposite directions but he is a gem and my parents still like him even if we all understand that staying together long-term was not a good idea for kids in their early-to-mid-20s.

    2. I am friends with an ex. I think it helps that the breakup was mutual and that there was never any backsliding. We were friends before dating and have been friends since. 5 year relationship in our early 20s. Same college; wide circle of joint friends who never took sides. Same career (but live 12 hours away; previously lived in same city for 5 years post-breakup and were friends). Both married now and have kids who were born weeks apart. Would love to land in the same retirement villa some day but if not I know that his villa will be lucky to have him.

      1. Coming late to the party but yes. Exes can be friends. And honestly I am a little disturbed by the number of people who are insisting it is impossible in light of the number of people who are saying they have experienced it.

        In college I made the mistake of dating a very good friend. I loved (and love) the man dearly but neither of us was really thinking long term. Five years later we were living together, friends and family were assuming we were headed toward marriage, and we started running into the issues where we were not compatible long-term. During a vacation, we had a long, hard, honest conversation and decided to break up. Fortunately what triggered it was an offer he had received to work abroad for 2 years so it was a natural break. We had no contact for six months and then started emailing and talking.

        When he came home, it was amazing to have my friend back. And we have stayed friends for 20 years (including through both of us getting married and me having kids). Just because he was not a good partner for me, does not mean he is not an amazing person. It just means that the lives we wanted to live were incompatible. (Not wanting kids did not make him a bad person or a bad friend.)

    3. actual friends? Never seen it happen.

      Nodding acquaintances who can have a friendly hello if at an overlapping event? Sure.

      3. Same. I have no desire to be friends with any of my exes that I had serious rel’ships with (I am friends with a few who I dated casually and we broke things off after realizing we were better off as friends).

    4. Sure. I’m great friends with one of my exes. And others I would turn and walk away from on the street.

    5. I do think exes can be platonic friends but I think the reason you never see it work out is because someone’s new partner will inevitably be uncomfortable with it if the dynamic is anything beyond “will have a nice catch up when we see each other at parties”. (If they have kids together that’s a different story).

    6. Sometimes, if the break up was truly mutual. I’ve never seen it work when one of the people hadn’t wanted to break up, but maybe someone else has.

    7. You’re talking about me and one of my best friends, who is also good friends with my husband.

      Why can we be friends? Because we are both adults and both understand that the relationship wasn’t going to work. We actually really like each other as people, which is why we dated for so long. The underlying friendship was very solid; the dating part is where we didn’t work.

      1. But how long did you date for? Did you live together? Contemplate marriage? Certainly I’ve been friends with “exes” who were really just friends that I hooked up with for a brief time then stopped – that’s not the situation described by the OP though.

        2. Put differently: I answered the question asked, and Liza, it’s a little bizarre to have a total stranger act like I can’t read or understand a very straightforward question.

    8. For a little while before life takes you in a different direction. If you have kids and need to coparent. Otherwise, haven’t seen it.

    9. I guess in theory but what is the point? There’s always going to be some resentment and I don’t think most people are that hard up for friends.

    10. I am friends with my first husband to the extent we see one another at Thanksgiving and Christmas (we share a son) and occasionally at other times when one of us is in the other’s area. That said, it’s been 30 years since we got divorced and it hasn’t always been so rosy. If we didn’t have a child in common I’m quite sure we would never have seen one another again after we split.

    11. I think it only really works if both people have truly moved on and have no lingering romantic feelings or resentment about the relationship. But I don’t really see why anyone would need/want to affirmatively be “friends” in the situation you describe. Since they have overlapping friends, certainly they can be cordial, but with no kids to manage, why bother to be one-on-one friends? That seems like one person is trying to keep the door open for emotional entanglement/attachment.

    12. I feel like people can be friends with their exes but I’ve never seen it work out on the situation you’ve described. Instead, the person who wanted to commit remains emotionally attached to their “friend” and emotionally unavailable for other relationships until they finally truly cut it off.

    13. My high school boyfriend and I are still pretty friendly, though he’s not like someone I’d call to tell I’m pregnant. ( Text, yes.) It helps that I’m friends with his wife and she’s amazing and a much better fit for him.

    14. It depends on the people. In my case no.

      My ex husband of 10 years spent the majority of our time together telling me how unhappy he was in our marriage. We did therapy, we changed our communication style, but it still didn’t work for him, and from his perspective it was all my fault. In fact, everything was my fault. He didn’t get the promotion at work? My fault.

      So finally I was the one who asked for the divorce. He was so angry with me for that, he has never spoken to me again, once we signed the papers. That’s his choice, but I would definitely say we could never be friends at this point.

    15. No, I don’t think exes can be friends. I do think they can successfully co-parent, but that is different. I see zero reason to remain friends with a person I have deemed unfit as a life partner.

  13. I’m ready to jump on the loafer train. Any recommendations for current loafer offerings that don’t have leather soles? My aging feet don’t agree with my old Bass Weeguns stand-by, but I want something in a polished leather like in the pick above (to wear with suiting separates pants and maybe dresses), just with softer soles.

    1. I have a pair of Naturalizer that have the most comfortable insoles I’ve felt in any pair of shoes. It’s suede-like but I’m pretty sure it’s synthetic. They’re the Emma Loafer.

    3. I used to love Everlane loafers but then they redesigned them and they’re super narrow now. I’ve been wearing Sam Edelman loafers and mules, pretty happy with them so far.

  14. Good morning to everyone except the bat that was in my house today. The bat is being tested for rabies and if it’s positive the whole family (including two kids under 5) is going to have to start post-exposure prophylaxis. Anyone done this? Is it horrible?

    2. Oh no! I had a friend in college go through this after a bite from a stray cat. (Farm girl problems)
      She was a really athletic person and the medication was tough on her. I hope you get more first hand accounts.
      I’d be a little cautious about someone under 5 going through that round of medication. Based on what my friend described at the time, if I were in this boat with my kid, I’d probably at least get a second opinion from a pediatrician about next steps.
      For what it’s worth, I grew up in an old house where bats would sometimes make there way through our chimney. My parents never had us kids assessed for exposure. But we were never touched by one either. So maybe that’s a factor.

      1. I would NOT trust an ordinary pediatrician on this type of life-and-death question. They do not have the relevant training and expertise. A co-worker of my husband’s found a bat in the room with her infant. They could not catch the bat for testing. The pediatrician said to wait and see whether the child developed rabies symptoms before vaccinating her, which would have been too late. They dropped that pediatrician immediately and had the child vaccinated, thank goodness.

        1. Yeah rabies has a 0% survival rate once symptoms begin so that ped is wildly misinformed. Glad they got the child vaccinated.

        2. That’s horrifying! Once symptoms start the disease is 99.99% fatal (and the Milwaukee protocol isn’t a walk in the park either). I’m so glad they had their child vaccinated.

    3. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Sadly to say, yes I’ve been through this. I was not able to trap the bat for testing and because it was discovered in my 3 year old’s room while he was sleeping, he needed to be vaccinated. Apparently, bat teeth are so sharp, a child might not even notice they were bit because it’s painless and would leave no mark. It’s been 11 years, so the details are fuzzy, but I recall there’s a pre-dose of a serum that is very very thick and painful. It went into his upper thigh so he was limping for about 24 hours (no other adverse reactions). Next came the series of vaccine shots. It was a very specific schedule and we were instructed to do it in the ER. Reason being, the vaccine lot needs to come from the same place/manufacturer. Our pediatrician said doing it in the ER is the only place that guarantees that. The whole series took about 2 weeks and maybe 5 trips to the ER. He had no reactions to the other shots. Good luck!

    4. It’s not horrible, but depending on your health insurance might be expensive. I went through the post exposure prophylaxis a couple of years ago after a stray dog bite during a run. The first round is the worst, but even it isn’t that bad – just more shots because you receive an immunoglobulin in addition to the first dose of vaccine. The good news for your kids is that it’s dosed by weight, so they may only have one extra shot, while you’ll probably have 2 or 3 extras. After that, it’s just boosters of the vaccine, and as those go, it’s not particularly memorable. My wallet stung worse than my arm.
      If you find yourself hard up for cash in the next few years, your plasma is worth more once you have antibodies, so there’s that.

    5. I had to get the series of shots after a work exposure, and it was annoying but the shots themselves were NBD. I now use this fun fact for the two-truths-and-a-lie ice breaker. Not so fun fact, I work in healthcare.

      2. Did any of you go to the Summer Institute for the Gifted? This seems like the crowd that might. I was a counselor there and we ROUTINELY had bats in the dorms. Some counselors killed the bats (me: that’s a perfectly good tennis racket; let me catch them and release them outside). At any rate, we all should have gotten shots. Y’all probably should have, too. No one really cared about this (1990s). After reading what it is like to realize you have rabies, you get to write your will and wait to die. There is no cure and it’s a gruesome death. The next summer I got an office job.

    6. The shots are bad but dying of rabies is horrific. In my parents county, a county health official deals with because it is common (rural and forested). I was probably exposed enough to have gotten shots but was a foolish youth at the time. After someone local died, I got religion about this.

      1. The shots are bad but rabies is horrible, 100% fatal and has no treatment once symptoms start. And bats are now responsible for 7/10 rabies cases.

    7. My friend’s kids had to have these shots after interacting with a skunk (wish I were making this up) and they did ok with the shots. It was more emotionally distressing than physically distressing. Good luck.

    8. I had no idea about the SOP when you find a bat in your room. I would just throw it out and it would never even cross my mind to catch it, have it tested, think I could have been bitten or got rabies. I need to educate myself.
      Regardless, my sister was bitten badly to her face by a dog when she was 4yo and did get the shot immediately at the ER. I do not recall any post-vaccination symptoms or trauma, but probably because that was the last thing on people’s minds given her injury.

  15. Any recommendations for a financial advisor/retirement planner? My parents are retired, could have been in a decent financial situation going into retirement but due to an inability to communicate with each other about money have dug themselves into a bit of a hole. They will be saved by a cash infusion when they sell their NYC apartment but for a variety of reasons won’t be able to do that for about two years. In the meantime, they are spending more than they bring in every month and will run out of cash savings within the next 8-12 months. We need someone who is not me or my husband to sit down and go over all their spending, assets, etc with them, and explain the options and then help them structure their longer term retirement plans. Some of our questions include: They will need some sort of loan to tide them over on cash before they sell the apartment, but what type? How to get? once they sell the apartment how to make the cash last? What is the tax penalty if they don’t immediately put that money into another property? At least my father will eventually need round the clock care due to Parkinson’s although he is still independent. Is there any way to structure assets to best avoid Medicare look back period?
    Most financial advisors seem to just want to take over managing your investments. Is there a particular type of person to look for? Or does anyone have an actual name to suggest? NY or CT preferred but seems like it could likely be someone based anywhere.

    1. A fee-only CFP who operates on a true flat-fee or hourly basis (some will claim to be flat-fee when they actually take a % of assets) is what you need. IME these are extremely difficult to find and only planners who are early in their careers will even be interested in this type of arrangement. They’d much rather skim off a percentage of a wealthy person’s assets than get paid only for the few hours the work actually takes. You will also want to talk to a lawyer with Medicaid expertise.

    2. I love Kaysi Gordon. She worked with UBS private clients and is now on her own. She is caring and practical.
      My husband and I use Brian Schmidt, also with his own practice at Hudson Delaware. He doesn’t manage investments; he takes your #’s and budget and makes projections and helps you make decisions based on the goals you’ve discussed with him.
      For Medicaid planning, please consider Colin Sandler at Medicaid Solutions [.] com.

  16. It seems like sub stack is the new blogging, and I’m enjoying that! It feels a lot less like mindless scrolling and helps me stay away from that rabbit hole. I really love Anne Helen Peterson’s newsletter, which focuses on culture analysis, and Elizabeth Holmes’s, which I think of a lifestyle blog in newsletter form. Part of the point of this is to keep it to a tight list so that it doesn’t turn into a time suck, but I like some smart social commentary in medium-to-long form. Any other recommendations?

      2. That’s so nice for you but doesn’t seem like a good fit for this poster at all!

        1. Well clearly you’ve never read it. I’m a card carrying democrat who also regularly reads the NYTs, and I also love Ann Helen Peterson’s substack. I just don’t enjoy only reading an echo chamber.

      3. +1. I also really like Advisory Opinions with Sarah Isgur and David French, if you’re into Supreme Court/federal court stuff.

    2. THE Elizabeth Holmes or someone with the same name? I’ve been reading, off and on, the substack writings of Jessica Valenti, Liza Donnelly, and Jessica Defino. I appreciate their frankness.

      1. The royal reporter Elizabeth Holmes, not the fraudster! Although I bet that would also be an interesting newsletter!

    3. I googled this and I am not sure I understand; it is newsletters? Sent to my email address? From what you describe it sounds like something I might like!

        1. The fees are why I don’t read substack. I wouldn’t mind paying a few dollars a month for access to a whole bunch of good writing by a bunch of different authors, the way I do with a handful of newspapers and magazines, but I don’t have the resources to pay separately for every single author I am interested in reading, and I don’t only want to hear one or two perspectives. Another concern is lack of editorial oversight, although that seems to be waning at even the major news outlets.

      2. There’s also an app where you can read all your subscribed newsletters in one place.

        OP, Freddie de Boer’s newsletter and Jesse Singal’s are also good.

    4. I really like Girls’ Night In. I have bought multiple products she’s featured, and read/listened to many of the articles or podcasts she’s recommended.

  18. PSA: I’ve been having foot issues because my feet aren’t totally flat but also don’t have an arch, and its usually hard for me to find non-boot shoes that are supportive enough. I bought some Dr Scholls loafers that are perfect and look very stylish – I didn’t even know that Dr Scholls made shoes!

    1. oh man, my 90’s teen self is feeling very old. The Dr. Scholl’s sandals were EVERYWHERE.

      1. I have to ask were they actually comfortable? We’re remembering the same sandals: a clunky wooden platform and a plastic or leather wide strap across the vamp with metal rivets. I always wondered how on earth such an uncomfortable looking shoe was sold by a comfort brand?

        1. I remember that standing still they were comfortable, but (insert eyeroll here) my mom was right that they were a horror to actually walk in!

      2. I went to high school in the late 70s early 80s. Dr Scholls were also de rigeur then.

  19. I’ll be in Chicago for a few days in mid-Chicago. I know all the usual tourist stuff – what are the unique boutiques, shops, fashion-y things etc that I can do only there? Great bookstores a plus too!

    1. Exile in Bookville is a great indie bookstore and right on Michigan. If you’re into sort of “American classic,” vaguely bohemian lumberjack-y styles, Mildblend Supply Company in Wicker Park is a cool store.

  20. I’m dating a divorced dad and could really use some … support? Perspective? His attorney calls his ex a high conflict parent – not saying she may not have her reasons, but it is exhausting knowing that every visit the kid has recording or tracking devices somewhere in her bag (last time it was in her coat pocket, I did laundry and didn’t check pockets and heard a terrible clatter in the dryer!) and every pickup/drop off will have some kind of fight picked. I generally stay out of it, and he doesn’t complain all that much to me, but he gets so tense before and after visits that I feel like we’re on eggshells sometimes. (No abuse allegations ever, I feel completely safe with him- I’d compare it to how I feel when I’m driving on a bridge over water, visibly nervous and quiet). I don’t even know what I want or how things could change, I just … it gets exhausting, I guess.

    1. Yikes. Knowing what I know about high-conflict divorces and how awful they are, this would be a dealbreaker for me and I would run the other way. Why volunteer to be part of this drama?

      2. +2. My bff ended up marrying a guy who had one of these divorces, and her DH and his ex are now going through a nasty court battle where she is trying to keep the same level of alimony even though his income has plummeted. Life is hard enough, I would never sign up for something like this, no matter how much I liked someone.

    2. Are you two living together?

      Is it legal for her to record these visits without your or your boyfriend’s consent, i.e. are you in a one-party consent state or a two-party consent state? Is your boyfriend willing to go to court to get her to knock it off, legal or not?

      Is he willing to find a way to make this situation more palatable, or is this going to continue forever? Can you continue to live like this?

      1. Even in one-party consent states, it’s a different question whether one parent has vicarious consent to record their child’s conversations with the other parent, in the other parent’s home, without either the child or the other parent knowing.

        Regardless, I’d nope out of this relationship.

    3. It sounds like the main issue is the way it affects your relationship and the way he takes the anger and turns it into stonewalling/tension with you. Things make people angry or stressed, but in my opinion an emotionally healthy person won’t make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells when he’s upset. You’re his person and I think if he were dealing with it well, he’d be coming to you and saying “Ugh, I’m stressed” and potentially use it as a way to connect.

      All this to say, you deserve someone who doesn’t take stress out on your relationship. Maybe he can work on that if you talk to him about how it’s affecting you. But if he can’t, I’d say that honestly, stressful situations come up a lot in a lifetime and if he gets angry and shuts down every time, it’s going to make life a bit less fun.

      1. +1 I have dated multiple divorced dads bc I am in my 40s and that’s what’s available and one of my deal breakers is high-drama ex/co-parenting. My current bf has a cordial enough relationship with his ex wife and there is no drama. I would not ride this out bc it will not change and the drama is going to continue.

    5. Different take than SA – if you want to continue dating this man (and that’s OK if you do) , even though it’s not your kid, can you work with a therapist (couples or singular) to help you work through this, set appropriate boundaries and not get run over by this situation? You may need some space to figure out if this is what you want, and if it is, how to handle it till the child reaches adulthood. Things may change over time! I know from limited experiences high conflict exes live to wreak havoc on their ex and can do so via the children. That’s pretty low of the ex, but it’s common.
      Take care of yourself and pull back, or break up if this is too exhausting.
      I haven’t ever heard of tracking or recording devices being sent over with a child though – beyond the child’s own phone which could I suppose be used for such purposes. I hope he is already addressing this with his lawyer.

    7. it’s ok for him to be a great guy and you decide that you nevertheless do not want a life in which this level of stress and drama is involved.

    8. Break up. Honestly I don’t care how great he otherwise is this is misery. Run for the hills.

    9. I’m married to a man who has a high conflict relationship with his ex, with whom he shares two kids. I think I didn’t originally realize how gut wrenching custody disputes or high conflict divorces could be. My husband’s ex was in the habit, during their marriage, of threatening to take the kids and move to her out of state parents’ home when he raised the possibility of divorce. When he finally did file, she tried to do just that, and she’s now threatened it again because we’ve filed a modification to seek more parenting time. Honestly, he has something close to PTSD over it – he’s terrified she’ll somehow get a court to give her full custody despite the fact that there’s literally no reason why a court would. He’s just conditioned into a state of intense fear over it.

      So these things leave a mark and it can be hard to live with someone who is in that position. My recommendation, if you’re serious about him, is to make sure you have a place to share your own feelings about the situation. For me, I don’t feel like I can ask my husband to be the person who supports me in my own anxiety that she’ll take the kids, bc I know it’s a million times worse for him.

    10. I married a man with 2 young sons (6 & 8 when we got married) and we’ve now been married for 15 years. I think the key to our survival was that I completely stayed out of his parenting or dealing with his ex. I didn’t even express an opinion because I knew it wouldn’t help him. If you decide to stay with him, I think that’s the only way the relationship will survive. If he’s tense or upset, be supportive (of course) but most important is give him space and don’t take his anger or frustration personally. It’s not easy…but it’s doable. Good luck.

    11. Recording devices? Hard nope. Such an invasion of your privacy is begging for trouble. And if you sometimes do confidential work at home this seems like potentially a real problem. I work from home a few days a week and have phone calls throughout the day during which confidential stuff is discussed with my clients or coworkers. If someone left a recording device in my living room or kitchen, that could spell real trouble. Also, I’d be highly uncomfortable knowing someone is making recordings of my personal convos; those devices are catching more than just your interaction with the kid.

    12. I don’t say this lightly but run. You’re signing up for a tough life with this. There are other men.

  21. I adore these pants. Any ideas for where to find them in a size 18 (straight sizes, not W)? I’m seeing a pink pair at BR, but not green, and nothing in the kelly color on Talbots or Amazon, my usual spots.

    1. Eloquii has several kelly green colored pants, and their sizing (while inclusive from 14-28) is not necessarily W sizing. Check the size chart for whether it works for you!

  22. I am decorating my own office and I need to get some artwork for the walls. I kind of hate the bland, more abstract artwork you might see in hotels, or lobbies, or large corporate places. I’m leaning towards either (1) photos/prints of places that I’ve been to – but not my own photos, which are mainly terrible, or (2) paintings, either in the fine art or folk art style. Examples in the comments. Which would you pick?

    1. I have paintings by a friend who is a local artist and love them! I spent more on the frames and it really makes my office look nice.

    2. This would be more travel themed: (A) https://www.art.com/products/p21599466395-sa-i6677078/edward-s-curtis-navajos-canyon-de-chelly-c-1904.htm?upi=Q10W5OC0&PODConfigID=14258388&sOrigID=15797
      or (B)

      This would be more “fine art” themed: (A) https://www.art.com/products/p53794606882-sa-i2322199/sidney-richard-percy-loch-lomond-c-1871.htm?upi=Q1IFZW20&PODConfigID=9436042
      or (B) https://www.art.com/products/p53562627327-sa-i6813527/edward-hicks-hicks-cornell-farm-1848.htm?upi=Q1HB7VC0&PODConfigID=8880730&sOrigID=982

      Meant to add as well – this would be a space where clients would come in frequently as well.

      1. None of these for a space that clients will see. The specific “travel” photo is too “western” and less “travel” or “artistic” and will be off-putting to some audiences. The paintings are stuffy-looking. I’d buy some original art or less kitschy photographs of places you’ve been. Something that has a story behind it that serves as a conversation piece (oh, yes, that’s my favorite place to visit because I love to hike, this painting is by a wonderful up-and-coming local artist, etc.).

      2. I like the Navajos and Loch Lomond prints a lot. I don’t like the cow/farm one. I actually think you could pair the first two together quite well, with one more to create a nice gallery wall.

  23. I’ve starting collating a wardrobe of mostly a-line dresses; I find them much more comfortable than pants and make me feel less bodily self-concious. During the summer I can wear with flats, and in the winter with cardigan and fleece tights. But what about winter shoes now? In the past I did riding boots, then heeled ankle boots for the last couple years, but what is “on trend” now? Can sometimes wear flats in the winter, but need something to stand up to rainy PNW.
    Also, is there a way to “winterize” a maxi dress, or do those just need to go away in the colder months?

    1. I wouldn’t wear a maxi dress in the winter, that would just look weird.

      For indoors I would wear any kind of shoes with dresses – loafters, oxfords and mules are trendy right now. For outside I’d just wear Blundstones, rainboots, or whatever is practical. I keep my nice shoes in the office and don’t wear them outside.

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