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Weekend Open Thread

Deborah Lippmann - Glitter Nail Polish (Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?) - Beauty Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy Weekend! If you're looking for something festive during the holidays, I've been lusting after this sparkled nail polish from Deborah Lipmann. With big chunks of sparkles, these babies are long lasting and (relatively) quick drying. For this week, I think, nothing but the reddest red will do. This one is $18 at Zappos. Deborah Lippmann – Glitter Nail Polish UPDATE: I just read in Real Simple that Lippman advises you remove sparkly nail polish with a piece of felt — just add nail polish remover to a piece of felt the same way you would a cotton ball and it comes right off. Interesting! (L-2)

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425 Comments

  1. A nail polish PSA – Sally Hanson “salon manicure” – is awesome. I’m awful at doing my own nails and this has a really cool U shaped brush and it also doesnt chip. I think I may have to switch from essie and OPI! Just wanted to share a great find with you ladies!

    i’m moving this comment because i don’t want people to not see it and since this is nail polishy, it’s perfect!

    1. I like Sally Hansen products. I’m wearing their (her?) Gunmetal lately on my toes, and it wears like iron.

    2. Couldn’t agree more! I just removed a 100% chip-free manicure I gave myself 15 days ago because the grow-out was showing!

          2. Yeah, no extra steps, just two coats of polish. But the polish is thicker than most, so it goes on differently, at least in my experience.

    3. Thanks for the tip. I’m also terrible at doing my own nails, but trying to improve. Any other suggestions of good brands/colors for the nail-polish impaired?

      1. Not Essie. They have awesome colors but chipped within 2 days. I reapplied because I was shocked and thought I had done something wrong. It happened again. I’ve sworn off Essie after that.

      2. I’ll second the Sally Hansen, but I also found that the ULTA brand nail polishes last long too. If you want something “green” Zoya is pretty good and does not chip.

        1. I third the Sally Hansen! Not only does it not chip, it also remains glossy and shiny. Some polish turn dull after a few days but the SH stays shiny.

    4. With all this nail polish talk, I may have to do something about my nails this weekend. I love all the bright colors but always manage to chip them within a few days.

      1. i swear by the gel manicures for bold color with no chipping. my salon uses the OPI axxim (or maybe it’s axxium) brand. you have to go to the salon, etc. every 2 weeks to deal with the grow-out. after years of trying to do my own manicures, i have determined that i am a functional idiot who is incapable of painting nails. and the $30 is worth it to hide my ridiculous incompetence.

      2. I’ve found that top coat I use seems to matter a lot more than the type of polish. Try the Seche Vite fast dry top coat. It’s the only thing that keeps my nail polish from chipping. It’s available at Beauty Brands and I think I’ve even seen it at Target.

        1. I agree about Seche Vite top coat! Dries so fast that I can do a mani just before going to bed!
          Now I rarely get manicures at a salon.

          1. I’m going to have to try that! I use Sally Hansen Insta-Dry (in the red bottle) and it’s great too, but I’m always on the hunt. I always do my nails. From what I understand, the trick to getting it to last is to let it dry between coats. I use OPI Start to Finish as a base then usually China Glaze (although I’ve been using Essie in an eggplant color) then the Sally Hansen top coat.

  2. My friend is starting a business, and I’d like to get her an inspirational book for the holidays? I saw some lists online including Fountainhead and Outliers. Any other ideas?

    1. On a similar note, can anyone recommend a good book about starting your own firm out of law school?

      1. I can’t think of what it’s called offhand, but I gave my fiance the Foonberg book when he became suddenly solo and I think he liked it.

        1. The Foonberg book is How to Start and Run a Law Practice. Jay Foonberg.

          It’s the bible for someone starting a practice.

      1. I just read “Rework” by the people who make 37signals software, and found it very interesting…

    3. If she’s starting a business she’s very passionate about maybe something like “Let My People Go Surfing” by the guy who started Patagonia?

      Tons of CEOs have books about how they started their companies or turned companies around, so maybe you could find a company in her industry or that is somehow similar to what she’s doing and see if their CEO has anything published?

      And Fountainhead is an iffy gift if your friend has had any sort of sexual trauma. I know someone who it triggered pretty bad.

  3. I just wanted to share:

    I’m a 3L and just got a call with a job offer! It’s for the job that I specifically went to law school to do. I am now I’m just sitting here trying to process this. My hands are still shaking!

    Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever.

    1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get someone to take a picture of your big smile today. You will treasure that photo forever.

    2. Congratulations! Enjoy your holidays and the last semester of law school with the pressure off your shoulders.

    5. Congratulations! When the equivalent of this happened to me, I swear I cried off and on for several days. As you tell the people close to you about getting the job, thank them for their support along the way. It felt really good to me to acknowledge all the people who had helped get me where I wanted to go.

      I agree with Sunny D below that you should get yourself a fabulous congratulations gift! You’ll always associate it with how proud you feel right now.

    9. You should be VERY GRATEFULL! But Kudo’es to you!!!! It will be very joyeous for you for the holidays!

    11. Fantastic! Relax this holiday break and know that you can actually enjoy your last semester of law school without stressing over the job hunt. As silly as it sounds, I wish I’d been able to take it all in those last few months.

    12. Congratulations!! SO excited for you — and I love SFBA’s suggestion to have someone take a picture of your gorgeous smiling face. What a great way to end the week!!

    13. CONGRATS!! It’s so exciting to hear great news like this! Now go treat yourself to something nice and celebrate :)

    14. Remember this feeling! One day when you have a bad day at your new job (sorry, you will), remember this feeling. I was in the same position – got my dream job doing just what I went to law school for – and when I have the occassional bad day it really helps me to remember that feeling and remember how supremely lucky I am.

      Big congratulations!

    20. Congatulations!! That is amazing! Go out to dinner and buy something nice. And then use it as an excuse to buy things in the indefinite future (this is my strategy).

  4. Has anyone tried getting Botox injections in her underarms to deal with excessive sweating? If so, did it work? How much did it hurt (I already do Botox in my face, but arm pits seem more sensitive)? How frequently do you have to get injected?

    Have a good weekend everyone!

    1. Have you tried certain dri? It changed my life. I wish I could do something about my sweaty feet though, maybe I’ll look into botox for feet!

      1. Docs prescribe CD and its rx equiv for the feet, too. After shower at night, with socks or even– for the serious– plastic wrap.

      2. Certain Dri is amazing. Completely stopped my problem. I wear silk shirts with out a second thought.

        1. I want to add that after a few years of regularly using Certain Dri I no longer need to use it- my pit sweating just stopped and now I use a normal anti-perspirant again.

      3. I have tried certain dri, but it made my armpits break out in red bumps and itch like crazy. It did seem to help with the sweating though. Does anyone have any suggestions for similar products that might not cause the itching?

    2. Agree with Kelly – certain dri (should be available in your regular supermarket) works well. In previous posts about underarm sweating/odor it was brought up that using some kind of rubbing alcohol/hydrogen peroxide to zap bacteria and other odor causing bugs.

      1. Got the odor issue under control. The remaining problem is the gross, sweaty underarms–it’s like a home made tie hypercolor shirt when 90% of the shirt is one color and under the arms are a darker color.

        1. On that note, certain dri will stain your clothes if you put a shirt on right after applying. It’s supposed to be applied at night, so if you do it that way you should affect your good clothes.

        2. Drysol (prescription antiperspirant). Can’t recommend it enough. Put it on at night every other day/once a week/whenever your doctor tells you to. Stings like a @#$@ at first, but it works. During the day, you can wear whatever deodertant/antiperspirant you wish… or wear nothing at all because your pits will be as dry as a bone.

    3. Kiehl’s makes a great deodorant cream. I used to be super sweaty and it works like a dream!

      1. I also have this problem, and Certain Dri made my underarms itch. I now use the “clinical protection” Degree or Dove, and it’s really helped-even in the hot Vegas summers.

        I put it on at night after the shower, and again in the morning. I haven’t noticed any staining from the deoderant.

    4. I’ve done it! It literally changed my life. OTC stuff doesn’t cut it if you have hyperhidrosis (that’s what the condition is called).

      So I did botox in the underarm area from about 2004-2009–twice a year. When I started doing it, insurance didn’t cover it, but it’s pretty common that it would be covered now. The reason I stopped doing it was because I started taking robinul for the times in between shots when it was wearing off and found (after getting used to the initial side effects) that it worked just as well and didn’t give me the same concerns botox does (wasn’t sure if it was a great long-term solution given how much botox you need for it).

      To answer your questions concisely: 1) Works wonderfully for 3-4 m then less so for another month or so. 2) I’m not going to lie, it hurt a lot. BUT my doctor gave me numbing cream–I highly recommend this. You have to ask for it probably and get there an hour early to apply it but it was the only way it was tolerable for me. I had about 20-25 shots on each underarm area and it’s a sensitive area. 3) Again, it lasts about 3-4 months but my doctor didn’t want to do it more than twice a year (and not sure if your insurance will cover it more than that often).

      Look into Robinul, too! I’ll check the thread later if you have more questions!

      1. I took Robinul with great results too, but unfortunately had to stop because the insurance at my new job (plan is through United Health) doesn’t cover anything related to hyperhidrosis. I’ve only been off of it for a few days and I’ve already got a pile of sweaters and other tops that have to be dry cleaned after one wear when I could’ve gone several wears with just a steam in between when I was on Robinul.

        1. That sucks! Did you ever hear of any bad long term side effects? I haven’t but I don’t love taking a pill every day.

          1. I haven’t, but I probably haven’t done as much research into it as I should’ve. I could open a small pharmacy with all of my medications, so at some point I stopped being so critical of each new Rx, especially when I’m stuck with a migraine one that has a well-documented side effect that’s earned it the nickname “Dopamax.” But I’m with you, I would love to get off of them, not only for the side effects, but also because they’re so dang expensive.

            I did feel like my dry mouth (already bad from allergies) got worse while taking it, especially overnight, but I think that’s pretty much back to “normal” now.

          2. That happened to me, but only when I took a lot of it. I think I am supposed to take 2 mgs three times a day and I only take 1.5 mgs in the morning. Mostly b/c it dehydrates me otherwise. My insurance covers it, though–maybe yours will soon?

    5. I have and agree with other poster that it changed my life (the over the counter stuff mentioned never worked for me)!!!!! I had a different experience though. For me, it didn’t hurt one bit. I expected it to feel like getting a shot, but I literally couldn’t feel anything. It took about 5-10 minutes with no downtime and no side effects.

      I had it done about 1 1/2 years ago and I am just now starting to need it again, which I think is rare, but still amazing.

      If you have sweating problems, do not wait another minute. It’s the best solution out there and for me, at least, it lasted a long time.

  5. oooh nail polish! must feed addiction….
    and a question!
    My boss’ family is going through a really rough time right now and everyone where we work knows about it is trying to be supportive etc.
    She is quite possibly the best boss I have ever had and I really love her; I know the consensus is that generally gifting up is a bad idea but in this case would homemade cookies and maybe a starbucks g/c be inappropriate? FWIW im an intern where we work not an actual staff member and I split my time between her and someone else

    1. I would say so – instead, how about a really nice card with a special message in it. Much more personal and no cost.

    2. Someone told me about the “you don’t gift up” rule when I started working at a firm (I’m an admin). When you DO gift up though (I try to keep it pretty occasional, maybe it’s cheap and mean, but I feel like it keeps me from getting over gift-committed), I think a nice homemade treat like baked goods is thoughtful and appropriate.

      FYI, I’m not an entry level employee nor am I in management yet. Would be curious to hear what others say.

      1. I would do the homemade goodies, but not the gift-card. The former strikes me as thoughtful & not really a “gift.”

    3. homemade cookies are always a nice, thoughtful way to say you appreciate someone, without getting into weird, obligatory gift-giving relationships. I say yes to the cookies.

      1. No gift card. Nothing that indicates you’ve spent money per se. Cooking, great. A bunch of flowers, also good. She will be happy for the thought.

    4. Ditto on a card with a thoughtful hand-written message. I have a collection of these from both bosses and staff over the years, much cherished !

  6. Congrats!!! It’s such a wonderful feeling. You’ve worked really hard to get here.

    Buy yourself something fabulous to mark this occassion. I bought myself a purse, which I’m still carrying many years later, and I think about how happy I was to get that offer when I use the purse.

  7. I saw a very elderly woman I know wearing that the other day. It looked smashing! When I complemented her on it, she whispered to me that the best part was that they did her toes, too, even though no one could see them, as if that was a big secret.

  8. Ooh, pretty nail polish. Any other festive colors I should try? I used a Sally Hansen Christmas-tree green recently for a jingle bell 5k and felt way teenager-y. The association of weird nail colors is impossible to ignore if you were a teen in the late ’90s. :)

      1. Love the Muppets colors! I did my nails in Excuse Moi and took my kids to see the movie.

        1. I covet these more than I can articulate as I lovelovelove the Muppets, especially Rainbow Connection and Warm and Fozzie, but having just lost my job, there’s just no money to spend on such things… super hoping someone sells their used ones on ebay or something so I can someday have them!

        2. I’m taking my nieces to see The Muppets tomorrow afternoon. And then I’m headed to my sister’s annual awesome Christmas party.

      2. I want them all! Seeing as I was a teen in the 90s, and I love the muppets more than I can express, it is probably not surprising.

      3. I’m rocking the alternating Frog Prince of Bel-Air and Gettin’ Miss Piggy With It for the holidays. It is loud and fabulous. Rainbow Connection is going to be fantastic for NYE :)

      4. I can’t find them! Does anyone know a place that has them in stock in NYC? I’d order it but I have a nightmare of a time trying to get packages delivered.

      1. Love, a friend talked me into buying it a couple weeks ago. So worth it.

    3. I have just spent the morning doing my nails in OPI’s “A Oui Bit of Red”. Classic but festive. And yes, I am at work. I am so bad at doing my fingernails that I decided to spend all day doing them, one nail at a time, to minimize screw-ups. It”s actually worked pretty well. The only difficulty I’ve run into today is typing, but so far, so good! :-)

      1. Heh heh, I did my nails this morning at work too! With my splurge Chanel “Quartz”.

        Have to say that I really wished I had bought the Butter London British Racing Green I’d been ogling myself when I was choosing a bottle this morning – it did seem like it would have been a little more festive ….

    1. Steve Padis at the Jewelry Center and the Gift Center. They are open on Saturdays until Christmas. Call ahead to get your name on the list.

    2. Not in SF, but I can’t help but direct you to Ross Simons website – they have a fantastic selection of fine jewelry and reasonable prices. I hate chain jewelry stores with cookie cutter “blah” jewelry that ends up looking cheaper than not wearing anything at all. This is not like that.

      Link is at: www(dot)rosssimons(dot)com

      1. I have many Ross Simons pieces–excellent quality and value! Not flimsy jewelry but really nice. You can find good things at all price points and their exchange policy is wonderful too. I love jewelry! (oooh shiny!)

      1. Oooooooooooh, I love Kojima Pearls. The Kasumi rope necklace is to die for, but at $11K+ I can live a long time without dying for them.

        http://shop.kojimapearl.com/products/japan-kasumi-rope

        On the other hand, Chinese “Kasumi” look alikes have come a long way and I know that Kojima is looking to add some to their collection. Should be priced at least ten times less. The owner posted some sneak previews here:

        http://www.pearl-guide.com/forum/freshwater-pearls/4912-japanese-kasumi-vs-chinese-look-likes-8.html

        1. I have bought a few items from Sarah, the proprietress, and she is fabulous. She used to work at a local jewelry shop I frequented and then she struck out on her own with Kojima. Way to go Sarah!

          (seriously, call her if you like something. She may have something similar she hasn’t posted on her website)

      2. I have 2 Kojima pearl necklaces! One that Sarah and I worked on as a custom design. The first time she sent it to me, it turns out that I didn’t like it–so we worked to modify the design and she made me a gorgeous 2 strand coin pearl necklace that is wonderful! I love Kojima pearl’s unique designs and fantastic special customer service!

  10. Shockingly, I love this! (I say shockingly because I’ve never been one for nail polish of any color.)
    Does anyone know how to get your hands on Deborah Lippman polish in Europe? (Preferably for shipping below $30.)

        1. Thanks! Unfortunately, they don’t have the color Kat posted, so I’ll keep looking …

  11. I just found out today that I got a fellowship with a Colorado Court of Appeals judge for next semester. I am happy for the opportunity, but I need advice on how to job hunt while I do this. Next semester is my last and I’ve been networking my butt off, but have yet to turn up any actual job options.

    1. HOORAY! So, so happy for you!

      Can’t add to the networking conversation, but love your nic, both for the kid’s book, my own mixed up files, and some Basils in my immediate family…and

      Congrats!

    2. No advice, but congratulations! It seems to be good news day around here!

    4. Why is the fellowship going to change your job hunt strategy? Is it far away? Time-intensive? Or are you just looking for some new strategies in general because nothing has been working so far?

  12. How do you identify yourself? As you all know, I’ve recently lost my job, but I’m also fairly newly single (the ex was someone I’d thought I’d marry) and I’m struggling with figuring out how to identify if not with career or relationship. I realize that sounds awful, but truly, what ways do you use to figure out who you are?

    1. Well you’re not out of a career, just a job, so still identify yourself with your field. You will meet other people, and I don’t know how close you are with family, a group of friends (I know as we get older it’s hard to maintain a core group of friends). Are there activities you’re into that you can join a group (e.g. running, knitting) or volunteer someonwhere (soup kitchen, animal shelter, plenty of people need help this time of year.) It won’t solve all your problems but just try to keep yourself occupied and interacting with different people! Oh if you’re religious at all you can affiliate yourself with those groups, or ministries at a church.

      1. not close with bio family, not religious… just feeling like a big question mark and it makes me want to be a hermit, which I’m sure isn’t helping!

    2. I am not sure if you mean outwardly (ie, people asking “What’s up with you?” or “Who are you?”) or internally (what is my purpose? What am I doing with my life?) which would change my answer.

      To myself I’ve always identified or understood the core of myself by where I’ve been. That is, I know who I am based on the experiences I’ve had – this is what I’ve done/been/come from. Does that make sense? I hope you don’t feel like a failure – take all these experiences as bends in the road of life, but ultimately, you’re still on the path for wherever you’re going.

      In terms of identifying to others, I try to keep it positive and identify via my goals. “Well I had been working in advertising, and I’m hoping to make a shift to marketing.” “I’m enjoying my time being single and open to new experience.” “I’m thinking about graduate programs.” etc etc — I think that’s a positive move forward that both makes me feel better about myself and also makes other people feel less awkward/obligated to feel sorry for me if I’m in a rough place.

      Good luck with everything!

      1. I’m feeling like all of those things are issues… I’ve always been someone with hands in lots of pots (or whatever that saying is) but it seemed artsy or busy when I had a job title. Now it just sounds like I have no direction.

        I don’t know if “failure” is the right word, but I feel lost at sea a bit since I’d felt like I had everything while happily in a long relationship and at the top of my company’s ladder. Going from that to single with no job and calls not pouring in for interviews is a bit of a slap in the face of sorts.

        I really appreciate you taking the time to comment!

        1. I understand how you feel. I have always thought of myself as “DA, the successful lawyer” and when I lost my job and had trouble finding another… it really messed me up. But I’m a stronger and more human person because of it, since I am not so hung up on the lawyer thing.
          You are who you are, who you always have been… who gives a rat’s a$$ where you work, because who you are is far more important than what you do for a living. Or who you date.
          The best way to make sure that you will remain unemployed and single is to let such aspects of your life define you… your job is to be your own best advocate, not to worry about what other people thing. Define yourself in the best possible terms for marketing purposes, and believe your sales pitch. This is just a hiccup in your path, conduct yourself as such adn you will continue to bigger and better things.

    3. Ugh, having been dumped on the same week I was laid off, I totally get you.

      I felt like i had a big question mark until I realized that I was out of a “job,” not a “career.” After I came to that realization, I spent much of my unemployed time writing, researching, volunteering, etc. in ways that were aligned with future job prospects. Then, even though I wasn’t being paid by anyone, I still had a career. It really helped my sanity.

      Do you have hobbies that you can spend time on and identify yourself with? Or are there hobbies that you have always wanted to pursue but haven’t had the time?

      1. I’ve been volunteering and such but I guess sending my resume to over 70 places and not getting calls though I’m certainly qualified makes me feel a sense of not being good enough, no matter how much the logical side of me tries to tell my emotional side.

        Since traveling requires money, I feel like I need to stay close to home so I don’t spend money traveling but it means I feel a bit isolated too, especially since the times I want to socialize are when people are at work!

        So sorry you had that happen to you, sending hugs!

    4. This is just about as deep as questions can get. Kudos for acknowledging that this is what you’re grappling with, and for seeking input. I have had a huge breakup and a major job setback, but not at the same time. I can only imagine how hard this is. Some new-agers would say you’ve been given a “lesson” here, in how to define yourself without external validation.

      What makes you feel good about yourself? For me, volunteering would not be good. I’m pretty introverted, so dealing with large numbers of strangers when I’m down is just an assurance that I will become more down. I do, however, do my best to reach out to close friends and relatives. Make phone dates, write long emails. If someone you care about is also going through a hard time, that’s an opportunity to be there for them. The fact that I can hear difficult things and offer constant support is something I like about myself and does not relate to my job or relationship status, so it’s a comfort.

      What makes you happy? Think both long-term/big picture, and short-term/immediate. Think about what you can do to achieve the former, but in the meantime make the latter happen as often as possible. Example: “I’m taking XYZ steps to stay current in my field and look for a new job. As I write networking emails, I’m making hot cocoa and using my favorite mug.” Both count for something.

      Who knows you best? One of the best ways to remember who you are is to be in the company of people who truly know you. They may not be nearby. Make visits if you can, use Skype if you can’t.

      You sound very self-aware, for what that’s worth. It’s a huge advantage.

      1. this is so helpful… as is a comment at all… as the oldest child and the oldest of the roommates, I have always held the role of being the “all knowing” one, so not knowing or feeling lost is really screwing with that and having strong women guide me here is really a blessing. Thank you

      2. Hugs, and love, love your comment.

        As a volunteer board member who is recruiting for finance-savvy (likely introverted) volunteers…some volunteer work is more introverted than others. If you’ve got the time, see how your talents and strengths match up :) if nothing else, mash up “volunteer” and “introvert” in a search engine and see what you get.

        Also, what did you like when you were a kid? What were you good at? We haven’t always had careers, and some of us had titles like “Queen of the Universe” :)

        I’m recalling colorful books by SARK, which people love or, not, which could be glimpsed online.

      3. Yeah this is great advice. And also the first thing I thought when I read the original post was “wow, what a deep question.” I second the idea of connecting with those who know you best. Call your mom/dad/sister/grandma/bff- maybe all of them if that’s what it takes. If they are far away, go visit. Remembering where you came from will help you figure out who you are and what you want.

    5. I understand this feeling. I got divorced last year, and it was very disorienting in terms of self-concept – I was very domestically oriented, so “making a home” for my family of two was a big deal even though I worked full-time. But I didn’t have the job loss you’re struggling with, and religious faith has always been my pole star, which is different than your situation.

      I found myself again in my friends, to be honest. They helped me remember who I was completely outside my identity as a lawyer or a wife.

      1. thank you for this… I’ve been feeling kind of weak in this, as if strong women wouldn’t identify so externally, so hearing that someone else is really helps. thank you

        1. When I was laid-off from my big-law job I felt as if my world ended. The ensuing job search didn’t help one bit… I was rejected by more people I care to count (what, with my top grades, years of experience, etc). I can’t even imagine a breakup too.

          But it will turn around! After about two months of mourning my old lifestyle I realized that there were many parts of me I had sort of abandoned in my quest for billables and it was an “aha” moment. I worked really hard at getting myself out of the house and into the world. I remembered what made me “me” and shamelessly pursued those things. They ranged from cooking to reading to doing my makeup in the mornings even if the only being who saw me was the dog. My mom mentioned that she had never seen me so happy as when I was unemployed and it was true.

          I guess what I’m trying to say is this: try to see this as a once in a lifetime opportunity to discover yourself. You are worth it.

        2. This is one of those things, like a divorce, that just knocks you out of your comfort zone and makes you examine yourself and what you want to be when it’s about you. For me, I identify myself with my passions – for one thing that I am, in fact, a passionate person (about my life) and that’s important. My approach to life is partly what I identify with. But the things I’m passionate about – my work, singing, cooking, creative endeavors like knitting, the home that I’ve made for myself, are what will endure. And note that work is only one of those things! I have to admit, though, that I have become much more confident as a woman with my current SO. And that’s completely a bonus to me. All of those other things existed before him.

    6. I identify myself — inwardly and outwardly — by my core values and by my talents. The way I see it, I will have strong values regardless of what in life gets taken away (I’ve gone through the breakup/job loss/even state bar exam failure), and I can develop my talents despite any life setbacks.

      I find outlets to learn about political and social values that are aligned with my own AND opposed to my own, and through these outlets, I share my views with others. This improves my communication skills, confidence, friendships, and more.

      I made a huge effort in the wake of one breakup several years ago to determine what talents I have that (1) make me proud of myself, (2) are possibly marketable, and (3) I can share with others (because, like you described, I felt like becoming a hermit sometimes!). I have always had a knack for languages, so I brushed up on one I’ve known for years, began learning one that interested me, explored cooking using the cuisine of countries that speak these languages, and went to language practice groups. I am sure that an examination of your talents will lead you to explore new social outlets and increase your confidence.

      Most of all, I wish you lots of luck and lots of confidence in yourself. Hang in there!

    7. What are your bedrock values? These will come to the fore in hard times. Are you kind? Smart–goes without saying, I guess on this blog. Good friend? Loving? Patient? What would your friends say about you? Start a list, even if it’s something like “I’m the kind of person who always wears red lipstick,” at first. Think about stuff you’ve always done, no matter what your career or relationship status was. Sometimes familiar anchors like these can actually prevent you from finding out just who you are–which I am sure is a pretty tremendous person!

    8. Take a quiet moment and seriously think about the small, silly things that make you very happy on the inside. Hot baths, ripe fruit, crisp new stationary, hiking up a mountain, spending a half hour at the puppy store…whatever. Then go enjoy those things. They are important parts of who you are, and help to kind of refocus you when you are spinning. I used to go to the plant nursery down the street when I felt bad – plants make me ridiculously happy, and I would always walk out of Home Depot feeling like I could handle the next few hours.

      It is okay not to be on top of everything right now! Try to take the time after you do your job applications and take walks, pop in stores you don’t normally have time to window shop in, etc. That will help you figure out what you love outside of work and people. To me, that is your identity. It will be there no matter how many jobs you lose or breakups you go through.

    9. I suggest trying something new and outside of your comfort zone and take a class in it. Something with a phyiscal component, not just mental/intellectual — Martial Arts? Pottery? Piano lessons? Having something new to focus on will truly get you out of your head and require you to stay present in the moment. If nothing else, you can’t expect yourself to excel at something when you’re truly a beginner, right?

      For me, this was taking an improv class. Completely and totally outside of what I ever thought I would do, but it has been such a great thing for me – I’ve made new friends, performed on stage, and become part of a community that I never would have encountered in my work life. I’m not saying you have to do exactly that … but I do recommend it. :)

    10. Not sure if this would work for others, but a few years back I was feeling aimless and sat down at a cafe to write a “personal manifesto” of sorts. It began “I want to live in a world…” and then listed all the things I wish the world was. It had big things on it– along the lines of world peace– and smaller things like “where I keep in touch with my friends who live far away.” Some things were related to my personal life, others were related to the things I want to accomplish through my career. Some items were things I have never worked on directly (and likely never will beyond voicing my support and maybe directing my money). The end-product ended up being a pretty good account of my personal values, which are at the core of how I identify myself.

      I still have the sheet of paper and am comforted when I find that my day to day activities fit somewhere in the list. It can be good inspiration when I feel like I’m floundering. (Of course, things will change on this list as I change.) I’m all for some good passive introspection, but I especially like that this exercise led me to focus on actions.

  13. So, it’s been a pretty hard week for my family. My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer yesterday. We don’t know any details, or what stage or anything like that yet. He was also told that he might have thyroid cancer, and that he’ll need to come back for an ultrasound for screening. Same day, my Mom has an irregular breast biopsy yesterday, and they rated it “highly suspicious.” She’s also having a triple level fusion surgery at the end of this month. And, on the lighter end of the spectrum, my Dad and I were both diagnosed with celiac this week. That’s what originally set of this series of appointments. This just seems like a lot to deal with. They’re both very young (49 and 48). I’m handling the stress pretty well, and they seem to be holding up fine (on the surface at least). Is there anything I can do to make this process easier on them? Anything I can do to ease their stress?

    1. I think the best you can do is to be there and encourage honesty. If the person wants to cry or laugh about it, don’t shoot it down, let it happen organically and otherwise don’t treat the person too differently. Don’t let the person’s disease or diagnosis become the person’s identity. Showing that you care and you’re present is more than enough almost always!

      As for celiac issues, buy the books by Cybele Pascal, she’s got an amazing set of cookbooks for this and other food issues!

    2. Do you live close enough to them that you could take charge on the celiac issue: figure out which foods in their pantry need to go, start trying out new foods, and cook some celiac-friendly foods so their fridge is stocked. The celiac issue can seem overwhelming in the beginning–so many foods we’re used to enjoying are now in the Book of No. But once you figure it out, it’s a pretty easy diet to follow. If you took care of this one issue for them (or at least got them started on the right path), that will take one item off of their plates and let them concentrate on the others.

      Earlier this week, someone recommended two blogs (which I have not looked at yet): Gluten Free Girl and Gluten for Punishment. I have looked at Gluten-free Goddess’s website because she has some suggestions for vegetarians and vegans as well as meat eaters.

      1. Sorry to hear you are having a rough week. I can recommend a great gluten-free cookbook for sweets – look up the Babycakes cookbook. I affectionately refer to it as “weird-a$$” baking, but every recipe is delicious! I’ve done gluten purges a few times…it’s hard, but you can reset your thinking about bread being food, and you get used to avoiding it. Good luck!

      2. Sunny D – I saw a book at my library called ‘gluten free recipes for vegans.” If you haven’t read it, it might help you!

    3. CSF, I have experience with a lot of these so (((hugs))) to you.

      I have celiac – next month is my five year anniversary. I had a cervical-spine (neck) disk fusion too, if that’s what you said your mom is having. My hubby – who is about your dad’s age – had a thyroidectomy (removal) last January for suspected cancer, but it was negative, so I hope your dad’s is too.

      So, if you want any celiac advice or anything from me as a fellow C’ette friend, email me. We can talk by phone or email. Of all of those celiac is the easiest as you said, once you get the hang of it.

      Best of luck to you.

      1. And on preview, Gluten Free Girl and Gluten Free Goddess both have great sites and both have a “Here’s how to go gluten-free” primer on their sites.

    5. I’m so sorry that your family was hit with this all at once. I’ve recently had to deal with a parent who suddenly came down with a critical (and unfortunately, terminal) illness. To help my parents, I made weekly trips to their city to see my dad in the hospital and try to give my mom some support. I tried to spend the time with my dad focusing on normal stuff (watching football, baseball, talking about work, etc.) rather than his condition. I tried to make sure that my mom had food in the house at least, although I don’t think she ate much of it. In a bad situation like this, there’s not much you can actually do to relieve the stress but be there for them.

      If it does turn out to be bad news for either of your parents, just remember that serious illness is a marathon, not a race. You have to take care of yourself as well. I think having a sick parent is more stressful on the children than anyone who hasn’t gone through it would expect. I’ve always felt I was pretty together, but after a couple of months I wasn’t sleeping and was having anxiety attacks. I finally got help and, even though I rarely used the sleeping pills or anti-anxiety meds my doctor gave me, it was a comfort knowing they were there if needed.

    6. Try hard not to worry about things that might be possible but aren’t necessarily. My mom had a similar false scare and was 100% fine in breast area, my father-in-law got prostate cancer and was cured within a year. I worried so much needlessly. Thyroid cancer is really curable, my close friend had it in his 20s. Celiac is manageable and not as bad as many chronic conditions. So, if you break it down, a stressful and tough week, but you will all be ok and if have healthcare, etc. have lots to be thankful for. I know this is easier said than done though to try to not get too upset. Good luck. For me, getting lots of info helps, though in short term it’s a stressor. But I can’t relax til I do the research, get the facts. my spouse is better about just getting exercise, having fun etc to distract himself.

    7. This is a lot and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this.

      For what it’s worth, my dad had his prostate removed 2 years after the initial cancer diagnosis (my parents took a “watchful waiting” approach) (along with a “we’re not going to tell our kids anything about this until 30 days before the procedure” approach, but that’s a different story) and I’m happy to say that the procedure was a success. It usually takes a long time for cancer to spread from the prostate to the rest of the body, if ever. It’s good to address head-on and as early as possible, but there is a high rate of success.

      There are lots of great tips from other ‘rettes about how to support your parents, but don’t forget to support yourself. Do nice things for yourself, like take the laundry to fluff-and-fold or order takeout every now and then. Ask for your friends’ support, and then let them support you to the extent that they can. And hang in there. Hugs to you.

      1. My dad also had prostate cancer… and I think it is very unlike other cancer experiences, especially if caught early, because you don’t have all of the chemo awfulness, you just have 1 really big and bad (but pretty routine) surgery. 1 thing that I do recc’d is have your dad go to lots of drs. I think my dad REALLY regrets a lot of the side effects that went a long with the surgery & wishes that he had done the “watch & wait approach” as well, or had gone to a better surgeon. Good luck and things will work out… it’s not the worst cancer to have for sure.

    9. Prostate cancer can be beat. My dad was diagnosed in ’98. He had the surgery and has been fine ever since. In fact, he’s turning 70 next month.

    10. I just wanted to thank you all for your kind support and suggestions. I think handling the Celiac aspect for them will be one way to take control of the situation, and I will definitely do that. They are about 6 hours away, so not a day trip, but easily a weekend is doable. In other bad news, Grama just had a spot removed of basal cell carcinoma! Looks like they all need to be taken care of. I had a nice conversation with my HR person this morning just to give them a heads up about the situation, and she was very, very supportive.

      I really appreciate all the gluten free blogs and recipes you gals mentioned. Thanks for the advice about the prostate removal surgery. I will absolutely recommend he seeks out more than one opinion. With my Mom’s triple-fusion next week, I don’t know how long it will take her to recover before he can get such a major surgery done.

      Again, thank you all for all of the support. This really is a great community.

  14. Corporettes, I need some advice on how to help my husband figure out his career path. He’s currently doing his PhD in the social sciences, but I can tell that it’s increasingly not where his interest/passion is. I finally asked him about it today, and he said that he doesn’t see himself in an academic career, and he would leave the program now if he had an idea of somewhere else to go.

    How can I help him figure out where he’d like to be? We’ve tried brainstorming about things that he enjoys (he spends a lot of time volunteering at a bike co-op and for the openstreetmaps.org project), but neither of us really know how to translate those interests into viable career paths (he’d like to own a bike shop but neither of us know anything about small business ownership, for example). Have any of you had similar experiences? Do you have recommendations for career counseling or some kind of other professional service that would help him identify fields he’d like to work in and make a plan for getting there?

    1. I’ve done career counseling and life coaching, so I can speak a bit to the general sense. That said, make 2 lists: 1 of everything he loves to do (activities, etc.) 1 of things he dreads (anything from house chores to setting up a DVD player, etc.). From there, make a list of what those traits translate to in the work world (public speaking, not a fan of manual electronic work, etc.). Prioritize them in “most loved” and “most hated” Then begin to seek out positions that include many of the traits he enjoys and few of the ones he dislikes. A basic search might be helpful online too for job traits. Hope it helps :)

      1. well, I’d add to this looking at what job market exists in those areas. No use going down bunny trails that can’t hire him.

      2. K in NYC, I saw above you’re struggling with a few of the same things I am (self-identity! what comes next in life!), and now I see you’ve had experience as a life coach/career counselor. Any chance you’d be interested in working with me, since I am desperately in need of a life coach/career counselor? (Assuming this is the same K in NYC as above). I’m in NYC as well. fiftytwofirst at yahoo dot com

    2. As one who quit her PhD program after defending my proposal 20-plus years ago, I’d say finish if you are at all close, even if you have no intention of going the academic route.

      The aptitudes and interests that caused me to go down that path remain and there are so many other ways to use them. I’ve done okay, but I know there have been jobs I lost out on because someone else had the credential. It’s becoming more and more common for folks outside of academia to have a doctorate and income fields it’s like a union card.

      1. Darn iPad auto correct! That last sentence should have been “in some fields….”

      2. I agree with this…finishing the PhD if he is close is a good idea. Mine took 9 years (two children later…) but it was worth it professionaly, although I decided to leave academia after teaching for several years. I also want to add that it’s ultimately your husband who needs to find his career path. I’ve had two relationship experiences where I was putting more effort into helping my man find his way than he was…they didn’t end well (but we also didn’t make it to marriage)! Good luck

        1. Totally can relate to this. My ex-husband had two graduate degrees (in two unrelated fields) when we got together, and the loans to prove it. The entire time we were married, he was still searching for what he wanted to do. It was so frustrating to me because I just wanted him to figure it out, find a stable job and stop changing his mind. Instead, he kept wanting to get degrees. First it was seminary then law school. He lasted less than a semester in law school and decided it wasn’t for him and dropped out. This could be why we’re no longer married…

          But your husband should consider doing the Strong-Campbell Interest Inventory. It assesses your strengths and interests and recommends careers or fields. Mine predicted my eventual career accurately when I was in college but I couldn’t see that back then!

          1. Ah, thanks for reminding me about the Strong-Campbell… I took that years and years ago and I think it suggested I should become either a researcher or a lawyer. And now here I am, a researcher who hangs out online with a bunch of lawyers :) I’ll definitely suggest that to him.

    3. If he is years from finishing the degree, he should get out as soon as possible. Just a waste of time and money unless he’s almost done. Plus, he’ll be miserable all the while. Only reason to stay in school is to use the school’s job placement offerings.

      Bike shop ownership? Maybe get a job at one first. See how he likes it. Probably low cost of entry to open a store. He should talk to suppliers, see what they say about the need for new stores in your area.

      Job coaches are plentiful. Many of them are just unemployed HR people who think they know a thing or two. Usually they don’t, but they talk a good line of BS. Good for moral support. Go to Martin Seligman’s authentichappiness website to take psych tests.

      Bottom line: He should man up, quit school, do what he loves at the bike shop. Even volunteering is better than wasting money on a PhD. He’ll be happier. Your marriage will be the better for it. (p.s. I’m a guy…)

      1. If he is almost done then please stay and finish it. Almost done meaning a year or two to go. Both him and his faculty members have invested so much into his doctorate that it’s a waste to quit now. Even if he hates it, he will have a great sense of accomplishment that will last a lifetime.

        1. Second this. It took me 7 years to finish my Ph.D., and half-way through I realized I did not want to go into academia. It was still massively worth it. I did as much as I could during those 7 years to gain the types of experiences that would be applicable for a non-academic job search, and also designed my research approach with that in mind–tried to ensure my dissertation work included topics that were relevant outside the ivory tower. I am now working in a non-academic job, but my Ph.D. training makes me better at it than those without that training, and the extra credential really does matter. If I were in this same job (which does not require Ph.D.) and I had dropped out, I would really, really, really regret it.

    5. I can see both arguments here. (My background: Almost done with a PhD in the social sciences. This is my 6th year. I’ve been working as a consultant since the end of my 4th year. I knew early on that I did not want to go into academia, but I still really enjoy my field and my job is related.)

      If a) your husband is no longer interested in the subject matter of his program and b) he is relatively early in the program (i.e. still taking classes), then I would say that he should consider doing something else. You really do have to enjoy the subject matter (or be really, really stubborn (or both)) to finish a dissertation.

      On the other hand, if he’s somewhat close to being done (ABD), then he might want to consider continuing. Having the letters behind your name can give you a leg up in certain fields. Especially if there’s nothing else that he really wants to do, it may be worth it to finish. I will say that it’s sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees when you’re in the middle of a PhD. It seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but that feeling has to be ignored. He will get there eventually if he decides to stick with it!

    6. Wow, I have to say I’m surprised to hear that so many of you have found the PhD to be a valuable credential to have outside of academia. That’s not really the common wisdom around the halls here and it’s really good to know.

      As to where he is in the program, he’s right about halfway –about to defend his proposal soon, but still probably 2-3 years of research and writing before finishing. We’re both agreed that he should stay through the exams/proposal defense since he’s prepared for them already and it will give him a Masters. I’m somewhat reluctant to tell him he should stick it out for the whole thing just to have the PhD because I graduated from the same program and know exactly how demanding it is (and I was absolutely committed to finishing and having an academic career).

      FWIW, he’s not accruing debt here, and it’s not a crisis situation (ie, he’s going to quit tomorrow). He’s being paid to be in the program and the stipend is quite good (not by real world standards but by graduate school standards). We’re more trying to figure out a viable long term plan (ie, in ten years I’d like to have my own bike shop).

      1. I think depends what it is. I work at a large company and we highly value the phd’s on our team, but they are scientists (biology/chemists).

      2. If he’s midway, could he get a summer internship? He could do public policy, or consulting, or whatever appeals to him that people in your field do if they leave academia with a PhD while doing a little dissertation work on the side. I see that as a win-win: he can build work experience if he leaves, and he can evaluate the wide world outside of academia and whether a PhD is worth it.

        In science and engineering, plenty of PhD’s leave academia and I know plenty of people who have done internships. I have no idea about social science, but my gut tells me that finishing will only be worth his while if he can think of a career path where the PhD will help (bike shop owner? no. author? yes). I agree with posters above: there’s a reason he signed onto the PhD program to begin with, and he’s probably going to want some of those things in his ultimate career, even if he has to cobble them together (like writing books at night in his apartment above the bike shop :).

        1. Ha, I think running a bike shop and writing books at night might suit him quite well — that’s basically what he does but in reverse order, and I think it’s the realities of getting paid as an academic (grant writing, etc) that are getting him down. So maybe he should be a paid bike shop guy and a volunteer academic :)

          Thanks for the suggestion about internships too, once you mentioned that I realized that there is a corporate internship that several people from our program have held, so I’ll suggest that to him as a possibility for this summer.

          1. This is basically what I do…I refer to my research as my hobby since it’s what I do on nights and weekends when I’m not working. My “real” job pays the bills, and I actually enjoy spending my off-hours exercising my brain on something that is all my own!

    7. As someone with similar interests, he might be interested in transportation planning or bicycle advocacy in addition to owning a bike shop.

      1. I think he’d love both of those possibilities — any suggestions on first steps to get into transportation planning? A masters in city and regional planning?

        1. I actually design bike trails and multi use paths as part of my job. I’m a civil engineer. I work with planners, parks departments and transportation departments, landscape architects and environmental scientists, along with attorneys and local government officials. For rails to trails conservation projects offices/departments and history and preservation are involved. There’s also a lot of effort put into obtaining grants, so there’s general public policy/accounting involved. So there are many ways to get into it.

          I’m sorry, but I find it odd that a married man that is pursing a PhD has no idea how translate an interest into a career, and has no idea what kind of professionals develop the things he is interested in. Has he spent any time working in the real world? Because someone who doesn’t feel like pursing their social science PhD and wants to run a bike shop but doesn’t know anything about business sounds pretty immature career wise. I don’t know what other degrees he holds, but maybe he should take some career aptitude tests and talk to people in a number of disciplines.

          1. Look, I know it’s the internet and everyone’s not required to be nice out here, but try to remember that there are some real people on the other end of this conversation; namely, a person who’s coming to the difficult realization that a career he’s invested a lot in may not be right for him, and a person who’s trying to support him through that. It’s not as though he has *no* idea how to translate his interests into a new career, it’s just that I thought there might be people/resources out there that would be helpful in trying to 1) determine what would make him happy, in a general sense, and 2) make a concrete plan to get there.

          2. @N.- That is a great response. I have no real advice, but I think it is extremely common for people to get pretty far down one path only to realize that it isn’t actually what they thought they wanted. At least in the legal world it is. You sound incredibly supportive of him and I’m sure he’ll be able to figure out what it is that he wants. At least he is considering what to do about it instead of blindly following a path that he knows won’t make him happy.

          3. @Sydney, thanks for your comment. I suspect that academia and law are quite similar in that whether you enjoy course work is probably not a very good predictor of whether you enjoy teaching, grant writing, responding to reviewer requests, committee service and all of the other things that come with being an academic.

          4. Most of us aren’t born knowing what career possibilities are out there. At 26, with my law degree, I still feel like there are jobs out there (outside of law) that I might be qualified and well suited for, but that I just don’t know exist. I also don’t have any idea how to find out.

            I’ve taken tons of career aptitude tests, but most of them are along the lines of “Do you like working with your hands on projects such as fixing your car?” Yes? Then you might like being a car mechanic. They don’t even contain jobs like “transportation planner” as options, and I’d never heard of such a job until this thread. And if you don’t know such a job exists, how would you know to talk to people doing it to find out if its something you would enjoy?

    8. He might want to try volunteering somewhere.

      My fiance was in a similar place (had invested a lot in a film career that was not going anywhere and unsure of what to do) and he volunteered for The Red Cross (this was a year or so after Hurricane Katrina, so they had been in the news a lot). He discovered that he loved mitigation and preparedness planning, which he had never heard of before. That led him to try and get a job with The Red Cross, which led him to graduate school. While he doesn’t work for The Red Cross, he now has an amazing job at a world class institution. He loves what he does and feels his job is important and helpful to both people and the place where they work. And it’s in a rapidly growing economic sector. We don’t know of anyone who knew that “Emergency Manager” was a job until he volunteered.

      So if he loves bikes, he might want to volunteer with an advocacy group or a transportation group and see how his skills fit or if he meets someone with an amazing job that he’d like to have. Testing things out in the real world is so much better than just trying to guess what you might actually like to do for several decades.

      1. Thanks, this is a really helpful story. Like you said, I’m sure that there are jobs out there that he didn’t even know existed but might be quite a good fit for him.

        1. I was in the same boat — though not fortunate enough to be partnered with a supportive N. It was devastating to have what had seemed like an assured, though not easy, career path out the window. I found it useful to make a guess at some jobs that sounded potentially interesting and ask my network if they knew anyone in that field, then ask for an informational interview. I encountered a lot of dead ends, but I ruled some things out and discovered a field I never knew existed — I’m now in that field, extremely fulfilled and quite successful. Wishing the best to you and your husband!

    1. I did this today! It felt incredible and I totally recommend it. The people at KMart also thought it was a great idea and one of the managers even said said she’d do it when she got her next paycheck.

      1. That is so amazing! I might have to go do that next week. I adopted a family last year and that was fine enough, but I love the idea of a random act of kindness and the surprise associated with paying off a layaway for someone.

    2. I think Im the only one who didnt like the idea. I saw the article today, but I think I’m one of the only ones who was not moved by it. They mentioned how one person had $200 worth of stuff on lawaway and I just find that America is so obsessed with “stuff.” My charity is more geared to needs, and I love the secret santa for children or high need families. (a few items you know they want or need.) Also am I a cynic if I felt like it was started/pushed by Kmart?

      1. I agree that America is “stuff” obsessed. I know it’s impractical to give a child a $50 doll when she really needs $50 worth of breakfast cereal and ideally, she would get both.But I feel like Christmas is a special time of year when kids should be able to get something they just “want” that they don’t “need” at all.

      2. No, I’m conflicted too. I’d much rather help pay for someone’s electric bill or gas money and let them have the pleasure of paying for their kid’s holiday presents, which is most of the fun of the holidays for adults anyway – buying stuff for the kids.

      3. Eh, I think complaining on a blog devoted to upscale clothing, makeup, shoes, and jewelry that people with layaways at K-mart are “obsessed with stuff” is misdirected critique.

        Would it be better if our nation were governed in such a way that working people could get by? Sure. Of course. But giving children toys at Christmas in memory of a loved one seems pretty damned sweet to me.

        1. I guess its more like, you don’t know if you are giving away toys to children who need it, or just buying $200 worth of toys for parents who can’t prioritize right. I like the idea of giving toys and helping children get “wants” at the holiday time, I just don’t know if picking random people of a layaway list is doing that. I admit I’m not quite sure why I didn’t like the article, I just know I’m pro charity, giving, holiday spirit and helping children, but that just didn’t add up to getting a good feeling from the article

          1. For me, the randomness of it is kind of nice. I mean, I definitely believe in regular charitable giving that you calculate to maximize its effects for the people who need it the most. But there’s also something to be said for a one-off here or there where you do something nice for someone just because, on the theory that everyone deserves something nice sometimes even if they’re not the neediest or the hard workingest or anything else.

          2. I guess I can hope that if they’re people who can afford it, they would then do a random act of kindness in turn?

          3. OMG! Can’t prioritize? These are people who are shopping at K-freaking-Mart and they can’t AFFORD to plunk down a credit card to get the kids everything they want. They prioritize just fine. It is Christmas and they are saving up. Jesus Christ.

          4. They are planning on buying 200 dollars worth of toys that they can’t afford, thats a ton. That’s the point I was making I am not against charity and generosity

          5. I’m planning doing this and for me it’s not about the parents, it’s about the kids. $200 doesn’t buy that many toys these days, especially if there is more than one kid. My children have so much, but I’ve also been in a place where I was broke and couldn’t buy them what I wanted to.

            Kids do actually need toys…sure not as many as most American kids have, but kids need toys.

        2. not everyone who reads this is a huge shopper. I get most of my clothes and other things second hand, out of environmental reasoning, budget, etc. I like the inputs on everything else but skim over the product stuff and rarely buy new things. That’s why the Kmart thing struck me as mixed too- maybe they are things they need, maybe it’s just overdone American crap.

          1. God, I would hate to know CFM in person. I am thinking CFM isn’t really sure what layaway is. Okay, its like this: not everyone has a credit card, honey. Some people have to wait to buy things they want. So, they pick out the toys, and then they make payments on them. That is how many people used to do it. Doesn’t mean they can’t afford it. It means they were being responsible! I may vomit if I read one more judgmental comment from women who think nothing of dropping 200 bucks on a damn purse.

          2. Actually I grew up very poor, not that its your business, but I’m familiar with the concept. I am not being judgmental at all- I said many times I’m not sure exactly why I didn’t get the warm tingly feeling usually I tear up at any newspaper article about people doing nice things. I love secret santa ideas for families.

            There are some families doing exactly what your saying, and that’s amazing, if you get one of those families and make their day- that is awesome. The idea to me just seems unfinished, sometimes you are getting families like that, sometimes you are not. When growing up I was just shocked that some of my neighbors- also poor it was a pretty bad neighborhood- had so, so much sh*t in their house. So much toys, gadgets, knick knacks, etc. I could be projecting my own experiences on this news article. But I was just saying the idea that someone can’t afford toys, but was planning on buying 200 worth struck me the wrong way. Someone pointed out that doesn’t buy that many toys so that might true and I might be off. But I think I came at it from a respectful angle. Never said I was against giving, or charity. And no, I’ve never spent 200 dollars on a purse. I actually don’t think I have ever spent 200 dollars on anything, which is actually why it struck me as so excessive.

          3. I agree with cfm. I think the idea is nice, but someone who is a nurse (employed in a decent paying profession) buying $200 of toys for a 4 year old?!? I think $200 can buy a lot of toys for a toddler. I picked up few toys at marshalls for under $15 each for a toy drive.

            Also, I grew up in what most consider upper middle class, and if my parents were spending $200 on me at christmas, it was because they were getting me things I NEEDED. I may have gotten a few toys, but typical christmas presents were pajamas, socks, underwear, toothbrushes, watches, little gold stud earrings, winter coat, gloves, books…things like that. When I wanted a boombox for my room, I had to make high honor roll all year.

            I was much more touched by the father the article described, and the woman who’s son was ill in the hospital. But again, you don’t know people’s situations whether you pay off a layaway, donate to a toy drive, or pick a name from a tree. Not matter what avenue you use to help people, there are those that NEED help, and those that got themselves in those positions because of poor decisions.

      4. cfm – not a cynic to think it was started / pushed by Kmart. One because reports are that it’s happening mostly at Kmarts. Two because, while it’s great that kids are presumably getting toys they otherwise wouldn’t get, this could help one Kmart line item. Can’t imagine companies collect anything close to 100% of layaways (or the fees associated with the same). Have anonymous donors come in and pay it off, and you get your fees, get 100% of purchase price of inventory you might not otherwise have moved (and might have to reduce in Q1), and reduce your A/P.

        3. Even if it was KMart that started it, who cares? If you feel good about it, then do it!

    3. I love the charity horizons for the homeless. They provide preschool centers and play centers for young children in homeless shelters (unfortunately only in Massachusetts). I no longer work in Boston (which was where I first learned of them), but still think they do great work. Google them if you’re interested. It was started by the family that owns the bright horizons daycare centers.

  16. I have finally had the opportunity to get back on here and need to vent.

    I have a case that has been going on for a year. We’ve already had one trial on some of the issues, and recently participated in a 4 day evidentiary hearing. Although I’m young, I was running point on the case, with supervision by a senior associate and at times, a partner. I did all of the prep work, prepared openings/closings and even handled the direct/cross of most witnesses. The associate/partner were comfortable with my work produce and thought I was doing a good job.

    After the 3rd day of the evidentiary hearing, I called the clients to meet to prep for the 4th day, which would be their testimony. Even though I had been doing all of the work and would be doing the witness prep and examination, the client’s essentially refused to talk to me because I am a woman. Instead, they wanted to talk to the male associate.

    I understand that this was a cultural difference. The client’s even told me that they thought I did a good job. This was a smaller issue previously, as I would ask the client’s a question, and they would respond directly to male associate.

    I thought they wanted to talk to male associate about strategy or costs, or something where they might respect his opinion more than mine, and I was fine with it. But, when I set up the meeting, they just told him everything they had previously told me. Didn’t ask for his opinion or analysis on strategy. They just wanted to talk to him becuase he’s male.

    I understand the cultural differences, but I felt so insulted. I worked so hard on this case, and the male associate pretty much stopped working. I have never felt so frustrated. Luckily, the case is almost over, but it’s still infuriating. Even the partner felt slighted because they disregarded everything she had to say.

    Have any of you had this issue? How did you handle it? Just vent and let it go?

    1. Oh, and as an added bonus, the much older but very lazy and pretty ineffective opposing attorney felt it necessary to approach me after the hearing to tell me that, “for my age,” I’m a pretty good attorney. It was meant as a compliment, but I really could have went without the “for my age” modifier.

      I have people tell me they think that I’m too young to be an effective litigator at my age, so maybe I was just projecting all those comments on her. Still infuriating.

      1. I have been told this. I think some parts of success are expected to come with experience and some to come with course of study. I was thrown to the wolves so to speak and got a lot of litigation experience from day 1. I admittedly have a baby face but everytime someone says this they are the losing older male attorney while they are with their client. (and one small town male judge on the bench for 30 years).

        How I justify not being annoyed: Depending on how their experience was, a lot of firms require young associates to shadow for a long time so they fail to understand that other young attorneys do not follow the same model. These young attorneys can become effective litigators early in their career. I think there is a paradime change because with less people retiring and more lawyers than ever, more attorneys are forced to start their own firms and get a lot of first hand experience whereas before, you didn’t start your own firm until after you had some experience under your belt. So it is probably enough of a mentionable phenomenon to them, for now. Before, you needed five to ten years before you were that good. It’s not the same now, but they do not understand that because it has become more competitive, younger attorneys are becoming better, earlier in order to succeed.

        But you kicked butt so I wouldn’t take it as an insult.

    2. Am I missing why you are chalking this up to cultural differences? Unless your clients are from a culture in which a woman is not permitted to practice law (are there those? can a woman practice law in Saudi Arabia? i don’t think so – but I’m not sure, so I don’t want to state it as fact), then this isn’t a cultural difference. It is you have glass bowls for clients.

      1. The cultural difference comes from women being subordinate in their culture. The husbands always take care of the business kind of thing.

          2. My best friend’s Chinese (as in, she was born in China and immigrated to the US as a young woman) mother is a complete ball-buster who handles the family’s finances. And I think there’s a whole class of professional woman in China right now who would very much disagree with you on that whole “subordinate” thing. Like A.C. said below, there is no excuse to dismiss or excuse blatant sexism based on cultural differences. Your anger is completely justified.

          3. I have experienced this in my private life. I was very close friends with a Chinese guy in high school. His dad never said 1 word to me. I thought he didn’t speak English. At his college graduation party his dad was talking to my boyfriend in perfect English. I turned to my friend and said “OMG, your dad learned English!” He looked stunned and said, “my dad always knew English.” And I responded, “why does he never say anything to me then?” Answer – you are a woman. Yeah, that sucked.

          4. Doesn’t sound like the Chinese women I know would agree with your client. They are as assertive as any western woman….

        2. There are expectations for women to be subordinate in every culture, you just happen to have a client who is stubbornly sexist and has the convenience of a legal team that’s willing to dismiss his sexism because he’s culturally different. I don’t need to know what culture he’s from to tell you there are people from his same culture who would be fine with addressing you directly so don’t give him a pass. – cultural relativism is never an excuse for sexism. And shame on your colleagues for doing so.

          It’s good that you feel insulted – you should feel that way when someone insults you.

          1. Hmm- I work with Chinese on things and don’t find the gender bias to be so pronounced.

          4. This is back! I love you, This. Just when I’m getting annoyed with all of the Thises, you crack me up with a This to the This.

      2. Saudi Arabia just had its first group of female law school grads last year or the year before. Yay progress?

    3. Yes. Vent and move on.

      Unfortunately, as a lawyer, you are in the service industry. Which means, generally, that whatever the client wants, he gets. I’ve dealt with Asians of all nationalities in a business context, but only as the client. Not surprisingly, when I held the purse string, Asian businessmen were more than happy to deal with me, even though I’m female (and was young, at the time). The few who pulled the old sexist BS (for example, when I traveled with male colleagues) just wouldn’t get the business.

    4. I also deal with this! I have a lot of clients from East Africa that despite all my work, only want to hear a settlement number from a man. It is so frustrating but I just relay it to one of the men attorneys and they understand the nature of the clients and talk to them for me. It is not all of the clients from that area, but it happens enough where I understand what you are talking about. Do not fight it if you see it because it is a waste of time. Your male counterparts will think less of the clients, not you.

      I was so frustrated when I could not settle a case with a client despite an extremely generous offer from opposing counsel merely because the client did not trust me. They trusted me to do all the other work! The first time it happened I asked my male counterpart what he said, and he said he never looked at the file or the facts. He merely repeated what I had told him about why it was a good offer and they told him to accept it.

      It is frustrating but, I need their business. And I like helping them. But we all know what really happens in there. Penis showing contest.

      1. I hope you bill the client for the time you spent prepping the male counterpart and the time you spent debriefing the male counterpart. At least make them pay for their sexism!

    5. I’m sorry but I find this a gross over-statement of Chinese culture. There are Chinese Americans, and then there are Chinese in China, Indonesia, Taiwan, Singapore and Malaysia. In all these places what constitutes Chinese culture will vary – and in many of these places women do actually take charge in business situations and run and direct their own businesses. It is not fair to say that Chinese women are subordinate to men in business dealings.

      I understand you’re offended, but you’re showing your ignorance here.

      1. I am a regular poster but anon for this…maybe for obvious reasons.

        I’m Chinese, and a U.S. trained lawyer. In my extended family, the men generally take care of the business side of things, and the women are subordinate, down to who gets what from a will (men get more and more valuable things, women get less, and less valuable things). The men run our family business. You get the picture.

        Obviously, I am not okay with this. I have a lot of feminist views, and I would like to consider myself a strong, independent woman. I work with men who consider me their equal (or so I hope!), and I have both male and female mentors.

        There is nothing you can do to change people’s views. I would vent (here, to your friends, family) and move on.

        1. Also, I agree that one shouldn’t generalize about an entire culture. I just wanted to share my views on the matter.

        2. Anon, yes, it is a generalization, and, as with all generalizations, it doesn’t apply everywhere. Here, however, as the other posters have pointed out, this is also a true statement.

          I did not state, nor did I intend to imply, that every single Chinese woman is subordinate to men. And yes, what constitutes Chinese culture will vary from place to place. However, in this situation, the wife was very much subordinate to her husband and her son and throughout the case, it was made explicitly clear that, in their culture (including the adverse parties), the men handled the business decisions.

          So, while I understand you may not agree with the generalization, that doesn’t make it any less accurate in this situation.

          1. Don’t apologize.:) Another poster forced your hand in revealing the exact cultural identity, which I found annoying and inappropriate on her part. You were fine – it seemed you were trying to be sensitive, if anything.

          2. Yes, I’ve experienced sexism from some Asian clients, racism from some non-Asian clients, and I resent the hell out of it. At the end of the day, I still take the path of least resistance because I need to get to a point where my work will speak so strongly for itself that clients *will* put aside whatever preconceived notion they previously had. Let them speak to my male colleague or male boss if that’s what it takes to make them understand. Let them continue calling me Mr Anon if it smooths the way. That’s all that I can do. but I try not to let it colour my views of the entire group of people. It’s not fair, and as you’ve seen, raises lots of hackles.

            By definition, a generalization is intended to be of general application. While I understand your need to defend your feelings about this situation – which may be entirely accurate and justified – that does not make your generalisation accurate or true even if it is true in *your* situation.

          3. I am anon at 6:46. Vegas Baby, yes, the sexism makes me so angry that all I could do is move away from my family and start living my own life. Of course, not every single Chinese woman is subordinate to men in the same way that we can all think of one or more people in our own life that do not fit into a stereotype or generalization. However, I do think what you are feeling is valid, and it makes my blood boil to the point that I often get angry when when my colleagues and friends tell me to “chill out” about it.

            I did not think you were generalizing, and yes, this can happen to people of all cultures. All I wanted to say is that it happens to the best of us, and all you can do is do the best work you can, and move on.

      2. I was going to say something along similar lines. I know lots of Chinese people all over the world and in many (granted, not all) of the families I know, the women hold the purse strings and run the business, and woe betide any men that cross them. So I don’t think what you have run into is necessarily cultural, just a peculiarity of these particular clients.

  17. Mamabear –> I saw a car w/ the license plate “MAMAB3AR” today. Car is a light green Toyota Avalon w/ NC tags. I’m in NorthernVA.

    1. haha! I’m in Northern CA so it wasn’t me.

      She must be an awesome person, though. ;)

  18. Today is awesome!

    Before I left my firm to go in-house, I was lead counsel on a case in the Texas Supreme Court. I did all the briefing in the court of appeals and the TSC. The TSC issued an opinion on my case today– and reversed and rendered judgment in favor of my [former] client on all claims. No oral argument– just a per curiam opinion on the briefs (my briefs!). This is a big win for the client because affirming the opinion of the court of appeals would have opened up the potential for multiple other lawsuits against the client.

    In addition to that (WHICH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT, I CAN’T HELP BUT INTERNET SHOUT), I got chocolates from one of our outside counsel, finally got my business cards today, I’m having dinner tonight with another Corporette and friends, lunch tomorrow with another Corporette, and doing a cookie bake (thank you, mama bear!) on Sunday.

    Pow pow pow! This weekend’s objective: kick A; take names.

      1. AWESOME!

        Today was my day off, so I have no career news, but I did (1) make cookies with my kids, (2) make pumpkin pudding for a family GTG tomorrow, (3) mail all the OOT Xmas gifts, (3) go to the grocery store, (4) go to the bank to get $$ for tips etc, and (5) go to the marble/granite yard and picked out marble for the vanity tops in our new bathroom. Yay!

        I have an OPI Sephora color in sparkly red like the above. It is great!

        1. AWESOME!

          Today was my day off, so I have no career news, but I did (1) make cookies with my kids, (2) make pumpkin pudding for a family GTG tomorrow, (3) mail all the OOT Xmas gifts, (3) go to the grocery store, (4) go to the bank to get $$ for tips etc, and (5) go to the marble/granite yard and picked out marble for the vanity tops in our new bathroom. Yay!

          I have an OPI Sephora color in sparkly red like the above. It is great!

    2. And something to take a little shine off my day. Our CEO just dropped by. And I was blatantly surfing Gawker instead of, you know, working.

      *headdesk*

    4. My day was also pretty awesome! I had my first trial today – and I won!!!
      It was a fairly short and to-the-point bench trial, but I’ve been practicing for just less than a year and am so excited I can finally say done this!
      And how did I celebrate, you might ask? I went home (office closed early today following holiday luncheon – which I missed to do this trial) and passed the f&*# out. But I’ll think I’ll go crack open a few beers now. :)

  19. I ACCEPTED AN OFFER ON MY HOUSE TODAY!!!!!!!

    90 days on the market…please keep all fingers and toes crossed that we get to closing smoothly.

    2. Woot woot! cbackson, is this part of your plan to get out of dodge? That’s awesome that it was only on the market for 3 months.

      1. Yes! It is. Soooooo hoping this works out. I’ve only owned the house for two years (bought w/ex-husband), so the inspection ought to go smoothly given that it was fine last time. But we’ll see.

  20. Scientist/PhD corporettes, help me get out of this funk! I’m a couple years into a PhD in the bio-physical sciences and feeling really down about my research lately. Things are going okay but not great, and I’m watching a labmate, who is basically clueless but good at getting a postdoc to basically do his work for him, get tons of credit for an average project on a really hot topic. I have to explain basic concepts/technique to this guy all the time, but our PI (who is pretty removed from hands-on work in the lab) thinks he’s great.

    Independent of that unfortunate situation, I think PI generally thinks I’m great too, but my research hasn’t been a big hit yet, and I don’t feel like I’ve made a significant contribution to the lab on my own terms yet.

    So things are okay but not great, and while I am trying to appreciate that it could be worse, I don’t know how to get from here to really impressive work. I’m trying to devote more time to reading the literature hoping I’ll come up with some original ideas that could take off. Can anyone commiserate / suggest anything?

    1. I am close to finishing my PhD in the social sciences, and I recently read something that helped me put things in perspective. This is really your first attempt at research. It should be solid, but it doesn’t have to be great. You have your entire career for that, and there’s no guarantee that you’ll hit paydirt on the first try. Just stick with solid techniques and know that you have plenty of time to do something really awesome.

      1. I totally agree with this, and would add: Experiments (especially high risk ones) fail to produce all the time! Senior scientists know this, and they’re not going to count it against you that your project isn’t producing if the quality of your work is solid.

    2. Quit explaining things to the idiot!! Steal his postdoc whenever possible. Let him out himself. You will be pissed off if he finishes this degree with the same letters behind his name as you and none of the knowledge. Hell, I’d pay for the postdoc to go on a two week cruise if I could. Expose him!!!

      Also pick up a copy of “The Madame Curie Complex.”

    3. I think you just have to ignore your lab mate and his progress. If he’s relying too much on the postdoc and not building up his own skill set, that’s going to come back to bite him in the *ss eventually. In the meantime, don’t waste your emotional energy on him.

      As far as what you could do to advance, I don’t think that your PI is going to be expecting you to develop new research questions at this stage in your career, it’s generally difficult to do that without that broad view of who’s doing what in the field that you get from attending conferences, etc (but that said, if you come up with a new angle on something, by all means pitch it to him/her). I’d focus on taking the initiative with the project that you have; for example, run experiments again with a bunch of different parameters to see what might pop up, make sure you’re chasing down any unusual results, etc. What comes out of an experiment isn’t really within your control, but you can increase the odds of finding something cool by working multiple angles at once.

    4. A few things as I procrastinate on my dissertation…
      – First, your primary responsibility is your research. Not training other PhD students, not mentoring undergraduate researchers, and not teaching. Be selfish. Tell people you are too busy to help them unless it is important enough to set up an appointment in advance and then stick to it. Be unavailable – hide in the library or wear headphones (even in the lab with the sound off – sends the wrong message about lab safety, but will make you seem less available to help). Be sure to make your leisure time inviolable – no getting sidetracked helping people when it is your time to go to the gym.
      – Second, remember that postdocs don’t stay for long. Your labmate will probably be left in the lurch just as he’s trying to graduate. It will come back to bite him. Mwahahaha. Also, train your slacker labmate now that you are not going to be his replacement crutch (see above).
      – Third, if you want to come up with a novel side project and your advisor is hands-off and/or gives you some free reign, your first stop isn’t necessarily the literature. Your first stop is actually your friends outside of your research group. Grab a beer, talk some shop. It might be that a technique you know combined with someone else’s material (or vice versa) could actually be really cool. Just tell your advisor before you spend any significant amount of money on it.
      – Fourth, I find conferences are motivation steroids. I go to one and remember why I loved my field when I originally signed up.

      My PhD research has been anti-impressive: other groups do flashy proof-of-concept research, and then I’ve spent a lot of time quantitatively figuring out why I couldn’t reproduce it. Heck, I didn’t even get the skill set I wanted because I never got to the measurements I actually wanted to do (they were never worthwhile due to the whole irreproducibility thing). I got a sweet postdoc based on my advisor’s recommendation, and man, do feel like I have something to prove. Then again, I hear the postdoc is where a lot of people really start to shine. You’ll get to pick out a new-to-you research area when you are finally knowledgeable enough about science to really have a sense of what it will entail (unlike your PhD, where you kinda take a leap of faith).

    5. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and perspective. I want to reply in turn but it’s a busy weekend in lab :\ If I don’t get back to the thread, at a minimum I want to let each of you know that I really appreciate your comments!

    6. I know quite a few science Ph.D.s and am married to one (and likely would be one myself if I hadn’t looked at science salaries and said hells-to-the-no). So I’ll chime in with some thoughts.

      First, in science, you could be the most brilliant scientist ever and get stuck on a bad project. That’s research. With experience, you will come to know when to cut your losses and when a serendipitous result is worth pursuing. But, realize that luck will play a huge role in how certain projects or experiments come out. All you can do is keep up on the topics that interest you and keep looking for ways to move your research forward. As Pasteur said, “chance favors the prepared mind.”

      Second, I am going to majorly stereotype here and guess that you went into science because (1) you are smart, (2) you always did well in school and (3) your teachers/professors encouraged you. OK, great. Now you have to pick up some different skills. Start playing your cards like your lab-mate is. Find a way to tie your research into what is “hot” right now. Look at the results you have so far and figure out how you can publish them, or at least get more recognition for what you have done so far. Go to meetings, conferences, wherever–you need to be meeting people and lining up contacts for a post-doc position (yes, now).

      Anyway, not sure if this is helpful, but I see a lot of scientific careers stagnate because introverted intellectuals fail to realize that they need to promote themselves, get credit for their results, and plug into the community. Schmoozing skills are important, and will help you land a coveted tenure-track position, get grants, and run a successful lab of your own someday (if that is your goal). I’m not trying to downplay the importance of good scientific results, but assuming that you have the brains for the science, then good results will hopefully come over time. Other types of skills may not come naturally to you, but you need to develop them. Start looking around at the young “rising stars” at your university and see what they did to get there. My guess is that they have both technical proficiency and the ability to promote themselves.

      1. This is really important.

        I am not a scientist; I am a lawyer. When I was a young attorney, if I went to court on a routine matter, when I returned to the office, I would simply go to my office, close the door and get to work. I noticed that the male senior associates/almost up for partnership vote attorneys did something else. When they came back from court on a routine matter, they would walk through the hallway back to their office the long way through the office, stopping in the doorway at several attorney offices and/or at several secretary cubicles along the way. At each stop, they would loudly proclaim that they “won” in court that day. And they did it loudly enough for everyone to hear.

        Didn’t matter how small the matter or how routine the matter. It simply mattered that people heard that they won. I started doing the same. It felt extremely awkward to be crowing about such minor issues. But people noticed and it was valuable to becoming partner.

        I’m sure that there is some research equivalent. You should consider doing it.

        1. Same thing happens in my office. We have a senior associate who boasts everytime he comes up with an idea or finishes some research that he’s just won the case, he’s a genius, etc. Drives me crazy. But, it’s working for him.

          I’ve become very aware of it and self-promote as much as possible. It feels odd at first, but you just have to smile and act like a million bucks if you want people to know what you’re up to. When I come back from court I always stop by other associates offices to chit chat about how it went.

        2. One research equivalent of self-promoting is giving really impressive powerpoint presentations on your work, both internally for your research group, and externally at conferences. Motivate your work by tying it to hot research area, make some snazzy schematics and polish your presentation for every talk you have to give. If you can anticipate peoples’ questions and knock them out of the park, you will seem doubly smart. Your research may not seem impressive to you, but you personally will seem impressive if you can communicate understanding of the context, promise, and limitations of your work. If you are not good at this, getting coaching now will be an investment well worth it throughout your career.

  21. I love wearing sparkly polish at Christmas time. In fact, my holiday party outfit wasn’t quite red (more garnet), so I put OPI A Sparkle Yule Love (pink glitter) over my regular eggplant manicure. It looked great but yowza is glitter nail polish hard to get off! Had to take it off for work this week (we were interviewing high level job candidates) so I must have scrubbed at it for 20 minutes to get it all off. Anybody have better ways that work?

    Oh, and I’m off to DC on vacation with my family early tomorrow morning! Thanks to all of the DC ladies who send wonderful ideas, especially about restaurants near our hotel. My Dad is driving us crazy trying to plan every minute and detail so it’s good to be able to tell him that we’ll be fine.

    1. That was always my experience with glitter nail polish when I was younger. I was hoping higher quality brands might be better? I always found it was honestly easier to chip as much off as you could and then use nail polish remover.

    2. Oooh, this happened to me about three weeks ago. I gave my sister some very sparkly red OPI nail polish and of course I had to try it one two of my fingernails. Well, of course I couldn’t get it off. I would totally welcome tips as well since it would be fun to go sparkly over Christmas!

    3. I was going to post about this as well. My almost-11 year old daughter LOVES sparkly nail polish but it is like super glue when it comes time to take it off.

    4. Glittery polishes by nature, are just more difficult to remove. A lot of nail polish bloggers suggest buying felt from craft stores, cutting them into squares and using that instead of cotton pads.

    5. I find that soaking a cotton ball in nail polish remover and just holding it against the nail for like 30 seconds or so and THEN wiping is about the only to get glitter polish off.

    6. Cotton balls, polish remover, ten strips of aluminum foil. Soak a cotton ball in remover, put it on the nail, and wrap the aluminum foil over it, folding the end over your fingertip. Don’t make it too tight, but enough so it won’t fall off. Keep on for 10 minutes. When you’re removing it, push down on the cotton as you pull the aluminum/cotton ball off your finger- this will pull the loosened polish off.

      If it doesn’t all come off (the edges can be a little difficult), it will at least be thinner, and easier to remove through traditional methods.

        1. Awesome. I never use cotton balls to take off polish because they have too much fluff but this sounds good. I just did my nails to prepare for my trip but decided against glitter. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to try to take it off at the hotel.

  22. Thanks to Bunkster! I made a batch of peppermint bark last night as a little, more personal gift for my kids’ teachers (in addition to the Target gift card). My kids loved crushing the candy canes with my mallet. Thanks for the recipe :)

  23. Shopping heads up- I just returned from the mall where J Crew offered 30% off your entire purchase and Banana Republic offered 40%. Pretty amazing!

    1. I attempted to drive to the mall tonight, but there were just too many cars! Thank goodness for online shopping!

    2. Just scored a new suit online for $130! Here’s hoping the pants fit, but at least there was free shipping today if they don’t.

  24. Does anyone know of a good website that can explain the differences between the different Nikon DSLR cameras that isn’t in camera speak? I’ve found a few but I don’t understand what they’re talking about and I’m supposed to pick one out for this coming Christmas. It’s a little overwhelming. TYIA!

    1. This won’t be that helpful to you, but my husband and I got the D5100. He compared all the specs from many brands, and eventually settled on either a Nikon D5100 or a Canon Rebel. I know he looked at CNet’s video reviews, among other things. I do strongly recommend that you go to a Best Buy or another store and hold the cameras before you buy, if you will be one of its users. The Nikon and Canon Rebel were very, very comparable technically, but I did not like the way the Canon fit in my hand or its button placement, and did like the way the Nikon felt. If I had liked the Canon’s body better, we would have gotten that one.

      1. I do plan to do the hold test once I narrow it down. I’m just hoping to get it down to one or two to look at. (I’m also worried about loving how one feels in my hands but then finding out it is much more camera than I need.) All of the websites I’ve seen talk in complete jargon and while I plan to take a class and understand the camera once it is purchased, I just don’t fully understand everything right now.

    2. Google Ken Rockwell, he talks a lot about the various models and features in plain English.

    3. Nikon D5000 owner here. Not sure who you are buying for and what level they are at. I’d consider myself the “serious hobby” type, but this was my first digital SLR (always used film before). This camera has been just right so far – it’s really easy to navigate through the various menus, but has enough advanced features that I feel like I’ve been able to keep growing. And the picture quality has been great for the price range. The absolute best feature on it? The flip-down screen – gives you way more versatility in how you shoot. I started out with the kit which included the 18-55 lense – a surprisingly good lense for a kit – and have just continued to add lenses from there. It’s been two years and tens of thousands of shots and I’m just now starting to feel like I’m outgrowing it a bit/itching for something with more capabilities – but for someone looking to transition from casual user to more serious photog, it’s a great camera.
      For what it’s worth, I also checked out the Canon Rebel equivalent, but it didn’t fit my hands as well and it felt a little flimsy and plasticy compared to the Nikon.

  25. Hi all. My sister is getting married in the spring and my mom wants help looking for an MOB dress. Any suggestions in NYC besides department stores? I think we are looking more for a great dress than one specifically designed for MsOBs. My mom is thin, 65+, and very NY. She wears a lot of black and suits even for brunch.

    Any thoughts would be lovely.

    1. What about WHBM? I love their dresses, and since your mom likes black, she could probably find something there that has black in it but is still wedding-y.

      1. Nicole Miller? They have a bridal line (by appt) in the Madison Ave store (at least they did a few years ago). My mom is 5-5 and fit, and she wore a strapless bridesmaid dress w a wrap from NM.
        We also went to Armani, but it was a little too spendy for us. But, tasteful, covered-up, great tailoring, age-appropriate without being dowdy.

        1. second Nicole Miller. i just got a fabulous evening gown there that i wore for my mother’s wedding. a lot of her dresses are young, but a lot of them are very classic.

    2. Morgan le fay if you’re in the market for a dress rather than a suit. I think their clothes are carried in other locations too but their big store in Soho Wooster Street is good for seeing the whole range.

    3. Not sure how much your Mom wants to spend, but if she wants high end, try Jeffery in the Meatpacking. Its across the street from Diane Von Furstenburg. Also, in the Meatpacking, look at Ports 1961. Its near Vince. Also try walking around NoLita, around Elizabeth Street, near the Cafe Habanna area. Tons of individual boutiques and, if all else fails, have lunch becaues it might be too trendy.

  26. I’m a first year at a firm (2 months in), and based on the recommendations of fellow (older) associates at the firm, I gave my assistant a specific amount of money and a card.

    She unexpectedly gave ME a bottle of wine that I’m fairly certain cost about 1.5 times what I gave her.

    I feel terrible! Hope I haven’t completely started our relationship off on the wrong foot.

    1. If you followed the other associates’ advice, don’t worry . Trying to “up” your gift now will be tacky. Honestly, she might have gotten it on huge discount at Costco or is re-gifting it.

      Send her a thank-you note and let her know how much you enjoy the wine when you drink it.

      For next year (maybe in November), clarify that you aren’t expecting anything. This is why gifts only flow down the corporate hierarchy. Grr.

      1. Agreed. For all you know, the wine may have been a regift. Maybe someone gave it to her, she doesn’t drink wine, and she gave it to you without realizing that it was a pretty nice bottle.

  27. I just wanted to share my great news!

    I never weigh myself because it’s so depressing. I’m 5’6″ and my weight generally fluxuates between 160-168. (Size 12-14.) I haven’t been on a diet, but I made a resolution about a year ago to drink less beer. And I’ve started getting regular CSA boxes, so I’ve been cooking and eating better.

    I noticed one of my suits was a little loose yesterday, so I decided to weigh myself this morning. It said 148! Whoa! I haven’t been under 150 since high school!

    Cutting out beer really does make a huge difference!

    And bonus: tomorrow’s my birthday. :)

    1. Congrats! I’m a 12 and I trying to take it off too! It’s so hard sometimes-especially during the holidays!

    3. Nice work there, and happy birthday!! (Mine is Wednesday, and I understand how much extra love December babies need, since we get a little overshadowed!)

  30. This may seem somewhat ridiculous, but I am throwing it out there.

    i am in a very happy long-term relationship, but in the last five months or so we have transitioned to being in a long-distance relationship. We do well with regularly talking, texting, and seeing each other. Suddenly, though, I find myself absolutely *freaking out* about things.

    While I rationally fully see how everything has remained the same in our relationship, I keep dreaming (having nightmares?) that my boyfriend is mean to me (um, he never has been, ever since we met), breaks up with me, won’t talk to me, I try to call him and I can’t work the phone, etc. At the same time, I’ve also totally begun freaking out in real life, overacting and over-analyzing every little word and thing he might say. (To illustrate, of I tell him a story about my new job, and he doesn’t react *as* indignantly as I *want* him to, I may immediately assume he “no longer loves me” and that our relationship will fail.

    This is absolutely ridiculous, I know, but it keep happening and it is driving me crazy. Does anyone have any advice or tips for me in this situation. It will be two years before we are back in the same city again. Thanks!

    1. Write out (and then when you have time have him write out) nice things from his e-mails and texts and put them in places where you see them frequently. I had a good night note strategically placed in my medicine cabinet so that I could read it every time I brushed my teeth, a sweet one that I kept as a virtual post it on my computer, etc. It helps when you are freaking out to look at something he wrote to you and know that nothing changed between then and now. Also it helps to have a friend who can freely tell you that you are being ridiculous.

      I was there and it was really hard. Good luck!

    2. My husband and I have spent a lot of time LD, and yeah, it sucks. In my experience, it helps to have really regular contact with each other (I text him or talk to him at least once a day) to keep that “everyday-ness” about your relationship and so you don’t put so much pressure/expectation on a single phone call. It also helps to just acknowledge to yourself that you’re dealing with a stressful situation, and that you’re going to have to take extra precautions to manage that (working out regularly, doing things that relax you, etc). When you start to freak, remind yourself that those freakouts are probably an indication of the stress of being separated, and NOT an indication that something is wrong in your relationship.

    3. I’ve been there. 3 yrs long distance w/ my now-husband. We were both in super stressful professional schools at the time too. I did have moments, especially the first year, of freaking out over nothing. So did he. It was rough. It got better with time, and the 2nd/3rd years were much better. I don’t know what to tell you except that it is difficult to get used to being apart so much, and that manifests itself in you acting like a clingy, psychotic 15 yr old at times. It does help to make a conscious effort to let things go sometimes, and to make your phone calls/communication a positive experience for both of you. If you spend half of the time yelling at him for something, it just makes you both feel like crap. Also, try to visit often- maintaining regular physical/face to face contact really helps.

      1. An abbreviated story that might help. My sister was having some intermittent stronger complaints about her long term BF – wanting to break it off, oh roughly once a month – in synch with my cycle and she had come off the pill – they are TTC. After the third month (of this confluence) I mentioned it to her and she started keeping track.

        Just a quick note to check in on your health and any changes – there can be a subtle backstory. Certainly we are more than our biology.

    4. A few things that we did when my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I were long distance:
      – We talked every day, except when he was out camping, usually close to bed time. Even if it was just a short, “I love you, I’m tired, good night.”
      – We had “dates” where we’d talk on video chat and watch a show on Hulu together.
      – Lots of emails back and forth–websites the other would like, little tidbits from the day, etc.

      I’ve also gotten better at telling myself when I’m annoyed at someone else, I either need to take some step to address my annoyance or let it go. That’s helped a lot with my relationship in general.

  31. Thank you for the reference! Much appreciated. I promise to keep doing business casual posts, now that I have both reason and a salary with which to purchase the clothing myself:).

  32. I am wondering if anyone has any advice on calendars or planners for combining work and personal appointments, to-dos, shopping lists, goals, etc. I am about to start a new position, switching from government to private practice, full to part time, and having a baby in 3 months. Any advice on what has worked well for others to keep on top of it all and stay organized?
    Thanks in advance!

    1. Google calendars. I use different colors for different parts of my life and share one with the SO to plan things together. I can hide parts of the calendar when I want to.

      1. I am going to use a J Journal this coming year, I’ve heard really good things about them and it has yearly, monthly, and weekly calendars. It’s undated so it’s good if you want to start midyear.

        I am a grad student so I have a simpler schedule in terms of meetings but lots of to dos for classes, research, internships, and my work in res life. I realized that I need to see my whole month with any one off meetings, travel, or events.

      2. Second Google calendars. We have several: one for my husband’s meetings, one for my SD’s custody schedule, one for our family events. Plus, I keep my work calendar on Outlook. And, for my personal reference, I keep it all on a paper week-by-week calendar I buy each year from the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

        I have loaded all the electronic calendars on my iPhone and iPad (posted how to do it yesterday or the day before — you have to load your Google email account as an exchange account instead of a Google account to display multiple Google calendars on your devices).

    2. I keep everything on my iphone. My calendar is color coded (although I don’t really like the iphone calendar, but it syncs with my macbook). I keep shopping lists in the notes app, use Evernote to keep track of goals, things I want to look up later, books to read, etc, use the Reminders app for my running to do list with alerts for when I need to start or finish something, and track my food with the Sparkpeople app. With the exception of the reminders app, it is easy to access everything from either my computer or phone.

    3. If you’re looking for a paper calendar, there is a company called planner pads that makes to-do list based planners. I used one for a while and I loved the design. Basically for each week you have big project-based to do lists, daily to-do lists, and an appointment list/calendar. I ultimately gave up on a paper calendar though, just because I got sick of carrying one around. I transitioned to google calendar, and I’m looking for something else with a good to-do list function. I use evernote now, but I’m about to try workflowy. If I can’t get a combo that works, I might go back to the plannerpad.

    4. If you are looking for a paper option, I like the “notebook” style datebook from graphicimage.com (they also have them at Kate’s Paperie and Sam Flax, if you are in NY.

      It has week to view on one side of the page and a blank page on the right. I write down appointments and reminders on the daily spaces and make lists on the blank space, organized by area of life. This doesn’t work too well if you have a lot of appointments though, since the daily spaces are not that big. There’s also a monthly calendar in the front and blank pages in the back.

      They also have organizers targeted towards moms that have multiple boxes a day so that you can record each kid’s/husband’s activities. You could adapt something like that to reflect each area of life instead.

      Google plannerisms for a blog that does reviews of a ton of different types of paper planners.

    5. Google calendars. I have it synched to my work calendar (easy download that your work IT will surely do for you if you ask) and I can access it on my phone, so I’m never without it.

  33. Does anyone have experience with Latico handbags? I’m thinking of ordering one, but know nothing about the quality.

    1. I owned two Latico bags, which I bought at the same time: one for spring/summer (pinkish), the other for fall/winter (black). They were cute, but I don’t recommend them quality-wise. The leather was thin and floppy, so it showed its wear pretty quickly. The straps got discolored. The lining tore pretty easily. I’d suggest going with something heavier-duty unless you don’t plan to carry it every day (I did).

  34. We saw that George Clooney movie last night, and MAN was it sad. I could barely keep control of myself in the theater, and I was still crying well after the credits had finished running. Really well-done, though – beautiful writing and acting. It’s definitely going to be on my mind all day.

    1. I LOVED it. I mean, really, really, really loved it. But I saw it with a male friend and would not have done so had I known how sad it was going to be, because I’m a cryer and was totally choking back tears as we sat there. I thought that the actors who played his older daughter and her friend were fantastic, in particular.

  35. Thanks for supporting my decision to go out and buy the pair of shoes I couldn’t make up my mind about.
    When I went back, they had got another pair even cuter than the one I was eyeing, in my size (as opposed to half a size too small).
    Needless to say I am now the proud owner of (yet) another pair of very cute shoes!!

  36. I need a designer jean recommendation. I’ve never spent more than $100 on jeans (and I’m still not sure I want to), but I know sometimes you get what you pay for. I’m looking for a quality pair of jeans that would be appropriate for the office on Fridays (dark rinse, not too tight) and would also be nice for a night out. I’m a size 8 and slighly pear shaped. Any favorites?

    1. Try Joes Jeans in the Honey cut. It’s made for people with bigger hips proportionate to the waist. You can usually get them at the Rack or Loehmans for around 60-70, and I’ve gotten them on sale on Amazon as well. You can also look at the sample sale likes; I’ve seen them on Hautelook pretty frequently. I love them, and have some pairs that I’ve had for 3+ years that still look great.

      1. Second Joes Honey. They’re the only jeans I wear now, and they make them in a lot of different washes and both bootcut and “skinny” ankle cut variations.

        1. I was against designer jeans except for buying them second hand, but will say my maternity Joe’s (second hand) are great. They are softer and more pliable than others without sacrificing appearance.

        2. I really like the cut of the Joe’s Honey but I have not found them to be durable — I’ve had two pairs that developed big holes in the inner thighs in a pretty short amount of time (less than a year). Maybe it varies by the type/color of denim, though, and I’ve just had bad luck

          1. I have had the same experience with Joe’s jeans. I will never buy another pair, despite the great fit.

      2. I love these but I wouldn’t call them “appropriate for the office” or “not too tight”.

    2. Hit up a department store like Bloomies with a huge denim section. Talk to a sale associate and they will pull tons of stuff for you, so you don’t have to paw through the racks. You’ll have to try on lots of jeans. Its the only way to find something that works for you.

    3. I just went shopping today and came home with two pairs of boot cut Sevens for my pear-shaped figure. I tried on the Joe’s Jeans Honey style because I have an older pair of Joe’s that I love, but the newer ones seem to have much thinner material and pooched oddly around my thighs. I picked the Sevens because the fabric was much thicker and more flattering (for me).

      Bottom line, I agree with Anon in going to a store with a big selection because you never know what brand will work for you.

    4. Try Goldsign Jeans. The fit is amazing if you are curvy and pearish. Lucky if you want a boyfriend cut.

      Joe’s Honey jeans are supposed to be for curvy figures, but the tend to run narrow, so if your skinny with hips, they may work….

      1. ha, this must be why I like the Honey cut so much, I am overall pretty thin and small (legs especially) except for my butt which is… not.

    5. They aren’t designer jeans, but I looooooooove my Limited jeans. Cute for work and a night out. I’m a size 4 pear. I’m not sure what style they are, but the jeans I have are darker, not too tight, but very flattering. They are slightly flared and the waist isn’t too high or low. I think I bought them for ~$80. Definitely don’t need to spend more than that for a nice pair of jeans.

    6. Thank you guys for all the input! I made the mistake of going to Macy’s this weekend and they has nada, zip, zilch. I’ll try Nordstrom next (unf. there is no Bloomies here).

    7. My go-to jeans these days (which I wear to work at my law office) are 7s in the slim trouser cut. I am more of an hourglass than a pear, but I have pretty big hips, and these work well. Thinking about getting another pair, I wear this so frequently.

    4. Its just like when you’ve lost something. Stop looking for it and you’ll find it. Stop trying to MAKE him marry you and maybe he’ll want to eventually.

      Or break up with him.

    5. Tell him you need a break and want to see other people. See how he reacts and take it from there. If he’s fine with it, then it’s time to move on.

    7. Unfortuneteley, I did NOT know how to do this with ALAN. He got his way with me sexuelly, and after that, I did NOT have any levereage with him. FOOEY ON THAT!

      I think if I had to do it all over again, I would be in a better positon if I did not give myeself to him sexuelly as quickelly as I did. I think if I was able to control my own feelings for him, I would have kept my panties on and he would NOT have been abel to control my emotions as he did. FOOEY ON HIM!

      So I would say, tell him you want to get Married, and that if he does NOT set a date by January 1 that it will be a very dry 2012. I think he should get the message, unless he is already cheating on you. My Alan did, with the bottle. FOOEY on HIM!

  38. Any of you high-achieving chicks “moonlight”? If so, what do you do and how do you balance it with your regular job? I am starting a new position soon that I’m absolutely ecstatic about but I have a business interest that I want to cultivate as well.

    1. If this isn’t inappropriate, I suggest trying to flag down regular commenter and sometime guest poster Kanye East. She is a law partner and also has a great Etsy jewelry site, and would probably have thoughts for you on this.

      I am not posting here anything that she has not shared herself, so I hope KE will not mind my mentioning her.

    2. I adjunct, but it’s something that my regular employer supports, so I can use the facilities at my office to prepare for my class (e.g. the printer, my office space, etc) and have some leeway with leaving early or coming in late due to class. Honestly I don’t think I could manage the extra work without my employer’s support – if I always had to prioritize work, it would be too hard to manage adjuncting. It’s understood that even if there’s a huge project at work and everyone’s working extra hours, I have to leave to teach class.

      So I guess my advise would be to see if your “moonlighting” complements your actual job, and if so, try to gain your workplace’s support. That’ll make it so much easier.

  39. 40% off American Eagle with code 39427841
    Lands End is also doing 40% off if you click through an ad. I saw one on Corporette already this evening.

    1. The Land’s End 40% off is also good on their canvas lines (including the amazing heritage crewneck cardigan – making most, if not all, colors $12!)

      Free shipping once you hit $50

      Code: HOLLY
      Pin: 1540

  40. Thoughts on wearing separates to a job interview? The job is in a different division of my same company (which is business casual), and it’s next week, which is going to be even more casual than normal since most folks are in vacation mode.

    I just feel a little odd wearing a suit — I was thinking about my new gray-tweed pencil skirt, a white collared shirt, and a black blazer…am I being totally crazy?

    1. that sounds like a nice winter outfit to me. unless, they are formal lawyer types who expect the ‘courtesy’ of full suit. I love the gray tweed combo, it is more visually appealing and likely flattering.

      I miss pencil skirts (preggers and maternity ones do NOT fit me right:)

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