Weekend Open Thread

528 Comments

1. I think bright colors make you feel happy. I’m with you on embracing this trend. Wore my cobalt blue skinny ankle jeans today and felt fab! Bought a cute white linen jacket at Nordstrom’s today which looks great with them. Since I live in Southern California where the westher is sunny and warmish, I think I can wear that jacket right now instead of waiting for summer. What do you think?

   1. Dress for the weather, not for the calendar. Otherwise you’ll be like the missionaries of yore who sewed themselves into long johns October-May. Even in the southern hemisphere.

2. My current boss is a horrible, mean, evil person who enjoys making other people miserable. I have an interview scheduled for next week with another company and have a (completely fabricated but it sounds good) reason to give if asked why I am leaving.

   Now the problem – there is an internet posting about my current boss that has apparently gone viral in my mid-sized market. Three different people have emailed it to me in the last 24 hours. If my interviewer asks flat out about the horrible, mean, evil boss (or some other question that makes it clear he had seen or heard of the posting) do I plead ignorance as to why anyone would say that? Say that I have heard that evil boss can be difficult for some people to work with? Admit that evil boss is really evil? I already feel uncomfortably like I am lying with my made up reason for leaving. I don’t want to compound it, but also want to follow the “never say bad things about your employer unless they have been indicted” rule.

   1. I wouldn’t plead ignorance, but I definitely would not say anything remotely bad. If an interviewer asks about the article, you could acknowledge seeing it and then shift the focus to all of the skills that you’ve built and experiences that you’ve had at your job. Or, if your interviewer doesn’t ask about the article but just directly asks about your boss, I would again focus on what you’ve learned and gained from your current job. More than the general rule about not talking bad about your former firm, I think that you want them to remember what a great candidate you are, not what you said about your ex-boss.

   2. “Yes, I saw someone had posted that”. Pause. Let them shift. I’d be surprised if they pursue it, but take note of what they do say next.

   3. Do lie, this is one time where lying is expected and you’ll be given credit for it, even if you do it badly :-). But isn’t it good word is getting around?
      Maybe you can print it out and slip it under his door anonymously after you give notice..

   4. I’ve been there and been asked the same thing. I interview people who are in the same situation.

      If they bring it up, I’d acknowledge it with a smile, snort, or laugh. I might even joke, “yeah, there some truth to that.” Then go immediately into my skills or rehearsed reasons for leaving.

      I would not outright lie. When I interview people in this position, I want to know that they aren’t big jerks who actually look up to or admire a jerk. Years after my nightmare boss, I interviewed at another firm, the head partner mentioned that they work often with nightmare boss and enjoy his wit. Whether he was being polite, I don’t know. But the interview was over for me.

   5. You could say, “Yeah, I saw that. I’m sure there are some people that would have a hard time working with him. I’ve learned a lot, though.”

      So are you making up the reason you’re leaving? I’m a little more concerned about that.

   6. Spin is everything here. Everyone has good and bad points, and publishing them on the Internet is poor judgment. Something like “yes, I heard that was out there. There is some grain of truth at the heart of it but I have also learned a lot from him, some of it on how not to behave but also on how to handle X/Y/Z”

   7. I was in a similar situation when interviewing. The current boss was known throughout our small industry/market as being a B, so when the interviewer (who knew her from working on a conference panel together years earlier) asked me about her, I responded with, “She does have a unique management style, but I’ve been able to adapt.” and then spun it into how the job itself involves dealing with lots of different personalities and I’m good at this because….

      The interviewer later commented on what a nice response that was “unique management style” since it’s a very neutral word, but as someone who knew her, she said it was clear what I meant without being negative.

      1. Thanks LM, that sounds like a very uniquely good way of saying it :-).

3. I’m in-house counsel for a large company. I like my assistant as a person (who’s worked with me for the past 4 years) and she generally does a good job. Over the last year or so she’s been more lax about coming in late and taking time with personal appointments. It’s unclear to me whether the time is being made up since she leaves after me (also unclear whether she’s needed full time, but I don’t want to go there). I’ve let it slide since I am also a working mother and understand the need for flexibility. However, I think it’s gone a little too far and feel that I need to provide some boundaries, but don’t want her to feel like she has to clock in/out and that I’m policing her. Any suggestions?

   1. Why do you need to provide some boundaries? If you need her at her desk to answer phone calls/sort the mail/file, then tell her that. “I would like the billing done before the phone starts ringing at 9am” or whatever the need is.

   2. Is she doing a good job with what she’s supposed to be doing? Is she getting done everything she needs to get done? If not, address those specific tasks with her, if so, I don’t see what there would be to bring up with her.

   3. I don’t know what your relationship is with her, but it might also be worth trying to find out whether there is a reason why this pattern has developed over the past year, as you indicated. One staff person in our office has recently gone through a divorce, and another went through a pretty horrible illness, and both of them tried to tough through it without telling their bosses for fear of making it seem like they couldn’t do their jobs — instead leaving their bosses without explanation for the sudden spikes in absences. If there is something like that going on with your assistant, it might be easier for you to work out an accommodation for it so that you’re getting your work done and she’s able to take care of it.

4. 4th Year NYC Biglaw attorney here. I’m about to do a few interviews for a lateral position at other big firms, but am having a hard time thinking of questions to ask to help me differentiate between the firms. Any suggestions from the hive? I would like to end up at a place that takes professional development seriously, but mostly, I just want to work with people who are not horrible.

   1. One thing is to ask how assignments are managed. Free reign to pick your assignments lets you avoid the horrible people.

      1. This. Also, how small/rigid are the practice groups? If you are stuck in, say, a tiny reinsurance litigation group, it will be harder to avoid horrible people than if you were in general litigation or something equally broad.

5. WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait ..I like it.

6. Looking at my calendar for the next few months, I’ve realized I have two big weddings coming up, plus three friends who are pregnant and due in August and September, which means baby showers in July and August. Plus Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and three close family members’ birthdays. I’m on a tight budget as it is (had to buy a car to get to work, and my student loan payments just kicked in). To make matters worse, my clerkship ends in September and I have yet to line up a new job. With the economy the way it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m unemployed in September, and I’m frantically trying to save a couple months’ worth of living expenses just in case (I have next to nothing in my savings now due to a totally unexpected household emergency back in January). I love my friends and family and I’m usually very generous but feel like I just can’t spend that much on anyone this summer. I’m barely spending money on myself ~ just replacing some worn out summer sandals that I need for work gave me fits of spending anxiety. Thoughts on what I can give? I don’t want to look cheap and stingy, but I’m terrified of spending money knowing I need to save for what could be a very long period of unemployment. It’s totally irrational but I’m feeling less happy and excited for everyone than I should be because I’m so freaked out about my finances.

   1. For birthdays/Mother’s Day, I’d just get cute unique cards and write a heartfelt note. For weddings, I’d shoot for a personal gift-when I was a poor student, I made a childhood friend a photo album that went all the way back to our toddler years. Or you can buy off-registry so you can bargain-hunt. To be 100 percent honest, it wasn’t even on my radar that some guests just brought a card to my wedding-I was just happy to see them. But some people really seem to keep track, and to hold grudges, unfortunately.

      On the baby showers, tht’s tough, because they’re gift-centric. Maybe see if you can save money by pooling funds with someone else, or, once again, go off-registry.

      1. agree, I am so sick of getting gifts I don’t want, despite being appreciate of the efforts. You really don’t need to spend money. Wedding gifts are okay a year from the wedding. Offer to help people- make a meal for the baby families- or get a small book or give them something like that from your past (I just got someone’s own Velveteen Rabbit- so sweet). heartfelt card + offers to help are great and your presence. My living room has 8 bags of stuff from my baby shower half of which I don’t need/want, nor have time to return/exchange (I am not mobile at this juncture), so it is more of a stressor. Honestly wedding was same way- lived in tiny place, didn’t want STUFF, money was great from people who had it, but I was happy just to see people and the whole must-gift thing can be a huge pain on both sides. Cards, help, smiles- these are the better things in life. Offer to help set up for some of these events or such if you can.

   2. Honestly, the only thing that mattered to me when I got married was that people were there to celebrate with us. Many guests had to spend a lot of time and money to attend and I was moved that they were willing to do that. The only time I noticed who gave what was when we wrote thank you notes. While my perspective may be somewhat unusual (we told our guests not giving gifts was fine and really meant it), I think your friends would want you to attend and not be stressed out about gifts. So I’d say, either give something small and token-like off the registry and tell your friends that money is tight but that you wanted to make a modest contribution to their household, or just tell them you can’t afford any presents at the moment and that you wish your situation were different but that you’re thrilled to attend.

      About the baby showers: I think buying something inexpensive but nice, like a stuffed animal or a cute t-shirt, is totally fine.

      Sorry about your situation… Hang in there and keep pounding the pavement!

      1. Oh pleasseeee no stuffed animals. I have a baby due next month and have been given an entire tub full of stuffed animals already and need to get rid of them- we don’t have space for 30+ bunnies and bears many of which have choking hazards attached. I’m also giving away more than half the clothes, same reason (space). Some baby people get hand me downs and many new clothes.. that is all people want to buy. Now diapers, bring ’em on (if the toxic-free kind for me:)

         1. Thanks for the perspective!

            1. this inspired me to sort through more stuff today.. spent an hour… have boxes labeled keep, maybe keep, exhange, give away, etc. picked out the animals that vibrate or play songs, there is still a tub full of others! and the clothes.. my mother in law just went nuts, seriously.. she bought multiples of the same ugly outfits without realizing it. threw everything hot pink into the exchange box. i have enough for triplets.

   3. Don’t get anyone gifts. Seriously. I know you want to celebrate with your friends and family, but stressing out about money to get them the gifts you think you have to get probably isn’t what your friends and family want.

      If you are really set on getting something – wait until after the weddings to get something so you can save up a little longer, make brunch for mom/dad on their respective days or just hang out – whatever would mean the most to them, home made gift certificates for babysitting or meal making or whatever for the mom-to-bes.

      Find ways to give of your time, which presumably you have more of than money, without having to shell out too much money.

   4. Totally totally agree with all of the above that you should breathe, relax, and remember that your friends and family love you for reasons other than presents. Use this coming year as a chance to be more mindful of what you get people, rather than how much you spend (which I am constantly struggling with — I frequently fall into the “I need to spend x amount because its what you do” camp.)

      For Mothers and Fathers day, if you live close to them, we always do a nice homemade meal for our parents with cards and maybe a small gift like a book or something. For family members, again a heartfelt card and maybe some nice baked goods would be appreciated. Or if you have some pretty pictures of them with you, you could buy a frame at a arts supply store and frame them. Something like that.

      For the weddings, do you know the people well enough to offer help before hand as a gift? In the couple weeks before my wedding, I would have kissed someone who offered to help pick stuff up or help print things (like the dinner cards or the table numbers) or whatever.

      For the baby shower, again if you know them well, a really cute personal gift is to send e-mails to all the relatives and friends who are going to be at the shower (or even those who won’t) and ask for their best parenting tip. Then get a pretty journal or little note cards and print them out in nice script (or handwrite if you’re good at that) so the mommy and daddy to be have a nice keep sake. You can even leave spaces for them to put in pictures from the shower and of them and the baby, that sort of thing.

   5. For the baby showers, my broke SO and I have been getting classic children’s books and write a note in them for the future child. You can get Goodnight Moon, Dr. Seuss, etc. for just a couple of bucks on Amazon.

   6. If you were my friend, I would really only want your presence – no gifts, I promise! I couldn’t live with myself if a dear friend of mine had to undergo financial strain to get me a gift.

      A relative of mine went through an extended period of unemployment, during which she sent cards in lieu of gifts- but they were always thoughtful and heartfelt, and I saved them all in my ‘hand-written letters and cards’ treasure box.
      If you are looking for thoughtful cards and have a Trader Joe’s nearby, their $1 cards are artistic and interesting. In fact, I pick up a few every now and then as they keep changing their stock.

   7. Learn to knit. Get to work.

   8. For the baby gifts, there are tons of great books you can buy for under $10 each, just write a note in each one.

      Or if it’s a friend, give her a “favor” gift. My favorite was the friend who came over one day with bagels and sat on my couch addressing all the envelopes for the baby announcements and thank you cards. (Ok, honestly, she may have even written a few on my behalf to distant connections who wouldn’t know my handwriting.) You could offer to spend a morning running errands or going to the grocery store on her behalf, and then offer to snuggle the baby for an hour while she naps and showers.

      People who brought meals were also high on my list. Any task that can be outsourced is a valuable one to “gift” to a new mom.

7. I think the cardigan look has had its day. Even Michelle Obama is not wearing them anymore so far as I can see. Very few people look their best in a sweater unless it is really structured. Anything knit really reveals the lines of the body. If upper arms are wide or shoulders are narrow, that becomes really conspicuous.

   1. You can always wear something else if you are paranoid about revealing the lines of your body. But if you have objections to other people’s shoulders, you should consider they aren’t any of your business.

8. Prob no one will see this bc it’s Saturday already (2 weekend threads? pleeeeeez?) but the Blowfish flat espadrilles arrived yesterday and they are GREAT, comfy right out of the box (and accommodate my bunion, so they do run wide) and very cute! :)

   1. I saw it. Ha! (Just thought I’d say that…and glad your shoes fit.)

   2. Which style did you order?

      1. i got the sandbox and samira. both v nice!

9. First world jewelry-related problem: I’m Graduating from law school next month, and my DH wants to know if I’d prefer an 18-in pearl strand (not Mikimoto, but something around $2k or less. I already have a 16 in pearl strand, but it’s sometimes a little short) or diamonds by the yard (I think the 5 diamonds 16-in) from Tiffany. How would you prioritize these purchases? :)

   1. Do you have a diamond necklace? If not, I would get the diamonds since you already have pearls. If you like diamonds, that is.

      I absolutely love pearls, but I find I don’t really wear mine as much as I thought I would because they seem so formal. You can wear diamonds with anything, including a t-shirt.

   2. I have 18 inch pearls and I like it much better than the 16 inch sizes. Depends whether you are a pearls or diamonds girl, in my opinion. Perhaps a black pearl necklace instead? I was given as a gift a super long strand of pearls (whatever the longest option is) that can be knotted, doubled and tripled (as a choker) and it has been really wonderful and versatile, imo. Obviously the quality of pearls you get is much lower then but it’s a really great length.

   3. I would get a 18 inch black pear strand. That’s my current dream jewelry (plus, if you have white pearls already, black is a nice addition!)

   4. Don’t get from Tiffany, or at least check out local jewelers first. Everyone is selling these, and Tiffany is going to be more expensive than the average for no better quality. If you are in NYC, go to 47th St. and ask around.

10. Looking for salary negotiation tips and benchmarks for an upcoming review.

    I’m a third year that moved from a mid-sized firm (small nationally, big for my location) to a small firm that has big cases. The partner I work for most is former big-law who brought a lot of the cases with him when he started the firm. I made the move there half-way through my second year.

    To move to small law, I took a 6% pay cut. I also lost went from a more traditional year end bonus to a three digit “bonus.” I was assured that this was a “temporary financial set-back” and there would be a lot of other lifestyle benefits for moving to this firm.

    I knew old firm was doing poorly financially and my job wasn’t secure. I hadn’t received a raise from first year to second year b/c the firm didn’t have enough work for me to meet hours. For the same reason, my year end bonus had been below what it should have been. They have since laid off a ton of people and my new firm knows this and knows if I hadn’t jumped ship I likely would have been out of a job. So, the lack of raises at old firm makes it even more complicated to negotiate salary now.

    For new firm, I love the job, have tons of freedom and control over my cases. Work load is heavy though and I work the same if not more hours than at old job even though my billable hour “requirement” is less. I also get to work for very nice people in a beautiful place.

    One year review at new job is coming up. As I said, I’m a third year that will be a fourth year in September (by traditional big law calculations.) Do to the above situations, I’m making 6% less than I made straight out of law school. I don’t know what kind of raises and bonuses I would have received if old firm was still profitable. What should I be shooting for here? How does one define “temporary financial setback?” How much should I focus on the lost bonuses when boss probably knows old firm had to stop paying them?

    I plan to focus on the amount of work and cases I’ve taken on, the long hours I work, that I far exceed their hours expectation but I don’t know what goal number I should be proposing. What I was making before the move or more? I might want to note to them that what they set now will be my “fourth-year salary.” I’d love if you could tell me what percent of a raise you got from first year to second, second to third and third to fourth as well as how your bonuses changed – particularly if you are in small or mid law.

    1. I changed from a primarily small defense firm to a primarily plaintiff, and even smaller, firm after my third year, fourth year counting a federal clerkship. I also took a paycut, primarily in my mind b/c I did not like doing defense work and would be happier doing plaintiff work. There was also the expectation that I would get a raise and bonuses depending on how the firm did (it was only a few years from original formation itself).

       I did not make as much as at the old firm the first few years, but when I made partner after a few years. no doubt that I made much more at new firm. I am sure that in many years I have made much more than the top partners at the old firm.

       You should be cognizant of the new firm’s finances. They may simply not be able to pay a guaranteed higher salary right now, and if partners are not getting paid, they are not going to be sympathetic to requests for larger bonuses or raises. Just be sensitive to this issue.

       I would not focus on the old firm. Focus on what you are doing at the new firm, how valuable you are, hours you are working–if billable, and focus less on wanting a six percent raise. If the firm is doing well, you should be able to get that. I do think smaller firms are more willing to pay “what they can get away with,” rather than the going rate.

       Good luck.

       1. Thanks. That is very helpful. I do a lot of plaintiff work too now so it is hard to figure out my worth when I can’t follow the usual formulas. I have a mix of billable hour cases and contingent cases.

11. Update on Gap modern boot pants–I had purchased black, charcoal pinstripe, and navy in my regular size, and had posted here about whether the fit had changed from last year.

    After 2 wears, the hem on the pinstripe ripped. I tried on the black and wasn’t thrilled with the fit. I took them all back to Gap and returned the two unworn pairs. They were willing to let me exchange the pinstripe pair, but they didn’t have them in the store, so they just processed them as a return, which was a really pleasant surprise, although I wish the modern boot pants were as good as they used to be.

    1. I’ve had mixed results with their pants too. I have two pairs of the perfect trousers that I got at around the same time. The black pair is looking a little ragged and grey pair (which I wear more often) is holding up really well and still looks cute.

       I have to say I luuuurve their jeans right now though. I brought 6 pairs into the fitting room thinking that maybe if I was lucky I’d like one of them, and I wound up having to decide between 4 pairs! I went with the Perfect Boot and they are some of my favorite jeans I’ve bought in a while.

    2. Big article in today’s NYT about what The Gap is doing to improve its dismal market position. No mention of quality control.

12. Alright I am confused. Trying to pick out a few new things online and I used the Nordstroms size fit guide. Bust is 36, waist is 28.5 and hips are a 38. Which puts me (according to the Nordies size guide) between an 8 and a 10…..I wear a 2 normally and I size up to a 4 for work clothes specifically because I don’t want anything too tight. wth?

    1. I’m 3 months postpartum and currently wearing mostly 8s and some 6s. My measurements are 38-30-38 (your post made me curious so I measured). My pre pregnancy measurements were 36-26-36. I was a pretty consistent 4 with the occasional odd 2 or 6 thrown in. I could usually squeeze into a 2 but that made me feel like a stuffed sausage (I guess I feel uncomfortable in anything skin tight – except skinny jeans).

       Sigh. Need to lose at least 12 more pounds before I can resurrect my work wardrobe. In the meantime I’m rotating 2 pairs of ugly pants that fit for work.

       1. The point of all that was that I’m bigger than you and wearing 6-8 so I agree with you that Nordstrom seems to have forgotten to vanity size its fit chart to match its products.

    2. Designer clothing tends to run smaller than regular clothing, and Nordies sells a lot of the former. Maybe their size guide tends to run small because of that?

       1. I mean I go to TJ maxx and I pull on XS and S blouses and size 2-4 jeans and they fit well. I’m just going to ignore it and continue shopping as I am. But it was weird to take my measurements and see the disparity between the size chart and reality.

    3. Are you sure you’re measuring right? I’m a 0-2 on top and a 2-4 on bottom and I’m 34/26.5/36. I do think 8-10 sounds big for your measurements though. FWIW, I haven’t found the size guide (I assume you’re talking about the “True Fit” thing) to be particularly accurate.

       1. I went back and found the guide, it’s called the Women’s Apparel Size chart and found on the bottom of any product in apparel (unless it has a brand specific size chart). I did the True Fit guide as well and it has me between a 2 and a 4 so I think their apparel chart is just out of date.

          I just remeasured and got the same thing.

          1. This happens to me as well.

             I have the same measurements as you, and wear the same sizes you mentioned, even in Nordies clothing (Halogen, Classiques). If I went by online size charts, I’d be swimming in everything I bought online. It’s frustrating.

    4. When a retailer bothers to provide you with a size guide, you should just use it. It’s just a number, and as you should be aware numbers for women have been all over the place for a couple decades. Just be happy N is usually reliable about stuff like that.

       1. Naw man, I really think sometimes the size charts are way out of whack. I measured myself before buying a suit a few months ago (the sparkly/vampire business formal one I returned), and according to the size charts I would have been a 6 or 8–but I knew for dang sure that was wrong. I got a 2 and it was loose.

          And I know I, personally, do not give a whack what size the label says a piece is; I just want it to fit.

    5. Weird, everyone’s experiences are all over the place. Well to add to the confusion, I sometimes size up for work clothes too, and my Nordstrom’s dresses are size 2. The Classiques ones are loose on me, others like Adrianna Papell fit normally. But I’m 32.5-25-34.

    6. Weird, I have the same measurements but I normally wear a 6-8 and mediums for tops. I do size down with some of Nordstrom’s house brands, though. I think “the skirt” fit me in a 2/4 when I tried it on.

       1. I think it has to do way more with body type than anything else. I can usually size down in skirts because I have non existant hips. I know my measurements make it sound like I have hips but that is all butt. I’m not sure what’s up with the tops but it’s at least nice to know I’m not the only confused one.

          I also have no problem with larger label sizes as long as something fits great. The inconsistency in sizing even across people with the same measurements is crazy. FWIW I wear a 2 in the Skirt.

13. Advice please especially from senior management/exec ladies in big companies. Some may recall- and thanks for the guidance along the way! I’m up for a major promotion position at my company. Everyone convinced me to go for it despite being due in a few weeks, helped on the interview maternity wear question… got my formal offer and told my current bosses this week!

    The offer wasa bit disappointing. It is 10% above my current salary, though it is a 3-step leapfrog job in levels (I’m top of staff level now; this is top level management job skipping bottom mgt levels), next step up is executive which is much higher pay. There is a posted range that is very wide (over $100,000 band top to bottom)- they came in halfway between midpoint and low point, I had hoped for midpoint. Husband thinks I should ask for above midpoint and settle there- that seems like a lot to ask for (like another $30,000+). But I was counseled by the three males I confided in at the company, 2 of whom are execs, that this is the time I must get money because afterwards it is very incremental in small steps, and that the company always lowballs internals. I am great at advocating for others, but feel shy to demand this from the new boss, when I am going on leave all summer too. But- they really want me for the position and I know this for sure. The #1 thing I’ll be seeking is more vacation time as that’s my biggest issue. But 10% just doesn’t seem like enough for the higher level and responsibility right>>? Don’t want to seem greedy, but don’t want to ‘female myself here either. The company has plenty of money but is very rigid like gov’t in how it doles it out- except when it isn’t.
    Thoughts please!!!

    1. ps if you reply could you please put ruby in the message? it is hard to skim the update emails from these long threads:)

    2. Ruby – definitely ask for more! They’ve obviously lowballed you and you know it (and they know it). Don’t let them get away with it; that will stick with you for the rest of you career at the company as you get raises based on a percentage of salary. Asking for 30% more is completely reasonable; you’ll probably get about 50% of what you ask for.

    3. Ruby – sounds to me like you know that they have low balled you and other have confirmed the same thing. Obviously I don’t know about the industry, but 10% when you skipped 2 management levels? Ask for more! And keep in mind that if you already skipped 2 levels, its unlikely that they’ll promote you again to the exec job with the big bucks in the next year. So yes this is the time to ask for more. Keep us posted!

       1. Ruby — definitely ask for more. You are right, this is your chance to get the appropriate pay and if you don’t ask, you will not get it. It’s hard to do, just did it myself–oh that reminds me, ask for more vacation too. As a friend of mine used to say, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.

    4. Ruby, if you want the half way mark and they’ve offered the quarter I’d ask for 75percent and let them negotiate me back to the half way mark with some extra holiday allowance to make up for the money. Actually if your sure your the candidate they really want why aren’t you asking for the top of the band?

       1. thanks. yep, will of course negotiate for more, the question is how much. it could be anywhere from $10,000 to $60,000 more. i don’t want to seem unreasonable but do want to get as much as possible. Top of band… hmmmm. I will think on that.

          1. Ruby- You should take what all the guys you talked to suggest you ask for, and add at least 10k. If that puts you at the top of the band, so be it. I also like the idea of asking for the 75% mark.
             Women earn less in part because they don’t ASK. Men ask. What’s the worst thing that will happen? They’ll say “we’re sorry, we can’t go that high, but we can go to X”. Which will either be exactly what they already said (no loss) or more (gain! yay!)

          2. Ruby – As I understand it, the top of the band is the maximum salary you could ever make in this position, not the maximum you could receive as a starting salary, right?

             I’d ask for somewhere between 2/3 and 3/4 of the maximum, and negotiate to midpoint. If it’s 60K, so be it. Just make sure you can make a coherent argument about why you’re worth that much to them (not why you need the money). And make sure you report back. :)

14. Has anyone attended one of Dave Ramsey’s financial independence series of workshops? I have invited my 21 year old stepson to attend a 10 week series with me. The description of the sessions (budgeting, insurance, credit cards, mortgages etc) sounds like a good coverage of fundamentals. But I have heard that he is an Evangelical Christian, and I am worried about that. We are Jewish (not Christian) and we also do not come from a family with a traditional husband works/mom stays home model.

    I looked at some of his books on Amazon and, while some of them assume a traditional family model in the discussion of household finances, I couldn’t see any references to Jesus. Does anyone have more information?

    TIA.

    1. His books and seminars are definitely based on a Christian perspective. I don’t know if there are exceptions, but you should look carefully at the seminar agenda or syllabus before you sign up.

       1. I think it depends on how sensitive you are about it and how well you can ‘sift’ it. The ‘tone’ is very christian, but the financial principles aren’t. My husband (before I met him) paid off all his debt and got himself in excellent financial shape with dave’s books, and he’s an atheist. He just ignored anything that wasn’t about money. :)

          1. Agree with your sifting point, Sadie. My husband and I took his class last fall and found it super helpful. If the setting for the classes is in a church, the facilitators may say a prayer before and/or after each session, but the focus is on the video and workbook. As for coming from a Jewish background, a lot (if not most or all) of the principles come from the Old Testament. Finally, we didn’t get any sense of a push for the traditional family model. It’s all about how to be in control of your money.

             1. @ Joan: I’m trying to understand the comment about the principles coming from the OT. I am admittedly far from an OT expert, but I’m trying to imagine something along the following: “You should pay your bills each month instead of carrying a balance because in the OT [I forget where] it says that you should pay your laborers at the end of each day instead of holding their wages over until the next morning.” Is that the kind of thing we’re talking about — that each principle “comes from” either the OT or NT?

                @ Joan & Sadie: My SS and I are good at sifting because we both grew up in a predominantly Christian town, so that’s a good point. By the time he was born, there was a Jewish day school, which he attended, but when I was in school the only private school was Christian and from time to time I will freak him out by breaking into “Amazing Grace,” which we sang every week because it was our headmaster’s favorite.

                @ Sadie: Don’t know if that is your real name, but I love it. It makes my think of “Sadie, Sadie, married lady.”

                @ Bluejay: I will call the facilitator and ask.

                Thanks, all.

             2. I’ve never been to one of his events, but I’m a fan of his radio show, and based on that, I’d expect a few bible quotes and references to Jesus, but not over the top, particularly if you’re used to Christians (particularly Southerners). He usually closes his show with something like “Remember the only way to true peace is to walk daily with the Prince of Peace,” and does a bible quote of the day, but otherwise it’s generally straight financial. There are a few biblical quotes that advise against borrowing, which he might quote, and sometimes on the show, he goes into church issues because they’re important to callers (advice on how to manage church finances, advice about getting into a good church for people in a really difficult position who need emotional support, a lot about charitable giving, which he’s really into), but I’ve never gotten the impression that he’d have a problem with someone from another religion or no religion, assuming that they were polite about it.

                As for the traditional family, I would say that he’s a supporter of that, in that he will say that if a family wants a stay at home parent, they shouldn’t let the fact that that means that they will get out of debt a bit more slowly stop them from doing that, but he also says that people should “follow their heart” and do what they feel called to do in life, so there’s no lack of support for not having a stay at home parent or having, say, a female breadwinner that I’ve ever sensed.

                One thing that I have heard him speak out about a little bit is living together/combining finances before marriage. Again, he approaches that from a financial standpoint, that it’s just not a good idea to combine finances until you’re married (not preaching about the evils of premarital sex or anything), which I agree with, but if you think differently and that issue happens to come up for some reason, I guess you might have a disagreement with him there.

             3. @Dave Ramsey Experience?, that’s exactly what I meant . . . for example, tithing and giving to charities. You won’t find things framed as “Jesus says to spend your money this way,” which is what I think of as NT.

                As far as financial advice, we took some of what he said with a grain of salt. For instance, even though it’s probably true that people tend to spend more w/ credit cards when they’re trying to collect frequent flier miles, we are not going the pure cash route that he endorses because we (1) like having an automatic record of what we have spent; (2) hate the insecurity of walking around with cash; (3) get a lot of use from frequent flier miles; and (4) have always paid our credit card balances off each month.

                It’s great your SS will have you to discuss all of this with.

15. I scored a pair of Wolford Matte Opaque 80 Denier tights on sale a while back and love them. I know we’re heading into summer now, but I thought it might be a good time to find more high-end winter hosiery on sale. Any recommendations for tights similar to the Wolfords in quality/feel?

    1. I love Wolfords. I’ve seen Phillipe Mantignon (spelling might be slightly off) compared positively to Wolfords. I bought a pair and did like them, but I thought the kind I paired had a bit too much natural shine (I’d probably go with a more matte one in the future).

16. So I’m in the process of planning my wedding, and a lot of people have told me that “everything is negotiable.” The problem is, I’m really not sure how to go about negotiating. For example, do I tell a vendor what my real budget is and see if they will work within it? Low-ball it? Not tell them anything until they suggest a price? Any suggestions of how to go about this would be appreciated!

    1. A Practical Wedding had some advice on this a while back. You can google “APW negotiating vendors” and I’ll post a link in follow up as well.

       1. http://apracticalwedding.com/2009/02/negotating-with-wedding-vendors-achem/

    2. Our strategy was to tell the vendor that we would be comparing bids from others, but let them give us a baseline package and price. Then, we’d try to find things in the package that we didn’t need (8 hours of photography instead of 10, limited selection of liquors, etc.) and see if they’d give us a lower price. I think that the negotiation process also helped us choose vendors that were more flexible and accommodating.

       1. I found that saying something along the lines of “we love X, however it’s just not in our budget, is there anything you can do on the price?” or “if there’s any way we can work on the price, I think we’d love to book x”.
          I didn’t have a single vendor not come down in some fashion, sometimes significantly.

    3. Are you a lawyer? I told our photographer there were some serious flaws with his contract and he cut the price in half in exchange for a rewritten contract, which took me less than 5 hours.

       1. Not a lawyer yet but will be (assuming I pass the bar!) by the time I start looking for a photographer. Will have to take a close look at those contracts!

          1. We came across a photography contract that was ridiculous. Among other things, they had a “bridezilla clause,” that basically gave them the option to walk out whenever they felt that the bride and groom were acting entitled or overly dramatic. They weren’t that good, and their contract terms were just so weird, we ran pretty fast. So, yeah, read your contracts.

17. I think I’m finally taking a plunge and purchasing a Theory suit for the academic job interview season this fall. Any recommendations on sizing? Most of the reviews lament how small the (“Gabe”) blazer and pants run, but also talk about how slim the shoulders are–and I’m not very broad in the shoulders myself. Do you usually size up when ordering Theory? For reference, I’m about 5’8″, 135ish lbs.

    Thanks for any help you can offer!

    1. I usually wear 6 pant, 8 jacket in j crew, and need an 8 pant/10 jacket in theory, but I do have broadish shoulders. Maybe order 2 sizes at first?

       1. Great idea, especially since Bloomingdale’s is having a sale right now. Thanks, Diana!

18. Assuming salary is equal, would you rather have lesser title at prestigious org or higher title at less prestigious org?

    1. Title is less important than actual responsibility…but if you are early in your career, go for the prestige…it opens doors later and your work quality will be assumed to be higher due to high quality rep of the organization.

    2. Depends. “CEO” of, say, a small local chain of hardware stores, is less impressive than “Division Manager” of large international retail chain. But if both jobs are at large, well-known organizations, the title may weigh more heavily.

19. Quick question…anyone know where (approximately) a 36 inch long dress would fall on someone about 5″6 (longer legs, shorter torso). It’s not a work dress, but mid-thigh would be too short for what I want the dress for. Stupid models who make everything look too short in on-line shopping :(

    1. That’s knee length on 5 foot 2 me, so I’ll guess indecently short.

    2. Above the knee on me (maybe 2-3″ above the middle of kneecap?). I’m 5’3″ (short legs long torso), so yeah I’d agree with F in LA. Probably too short for your purposes, at least approaching mid-thigh.

20. Dropping by again to say thank you to everyone who responded. I know that it is a very hard path and that there’s no way to know if any of this will ever come to pass. I am especially appreciative of Lyssa’s advice that if I decide it’s not worth it relationship wise, I’m not necessarily letting myself down career-wise. So thanks!

    1. Hey, I wasn’t even going to read the weekend thread, and here I got called out twice! I feel an inappropriate amount of pride here.

       But seriously, good luck and I hope that things do work out well for you. :)

21. Another work/life-balance question: how and when do you let people know that you need a break and they can’t keep giving you more work?

    I’m at a law firm, and I generally like the job a lot. But right now, I’ve gone about 8 weeks without a weekend off, while working past midnight about twice a week on average, and well into the late evening on almost all other nights. At the beginning of this stretch, I was still full of energy, but by now, I’m worn down, I’m starting to make sloppy errors, and I just wish I could take a day or two off to recharge. Taking days off is not in the cards right now, because of work deadlines coming up, but I wonder how I can make people realize that I’ve been working A LOT recently, and that they might consider giving some of their work to someone else if someone is available (or just leave me alone entirely for a day or so), without sounding like a complainer.

    Over the past several weeks, I’ve had to say “no” to work on some occasions, when it was just impossible to take on an extra task, and that has never been a problem, but when you’re working on two or three projects simultaneously, other people on the team don’t necessarily have a sense of how busy you are. Some people know for example that I was very busy four weeks ago (because they were, too, as they were on the same project), but they don’t know that when that project got quiet, I was still incredibly busy, because of other projects.

    I feel like I only say something when it’s gotten to the breaking point — when I cannot possibly fit it another assignment, but there should be a way to manage this better: surely it’s better to say something along the way than to wait until it’s gotten so bad that you can only sound like a drama queen. Any advice?

    (Sorry for the long rambling post. This is what you get when you’re sleep deprived.)

    1. If you have one supervisor overall, tell him/her, but it sounds like you are not in that situation. You need to let the peopole who give you work know what other projects you are working on and what those deadlines are.

       I hate to say it, but from someone working in a small firm, no one else really cares how much you are working. I did what you are talking about for years, and, believe me, no on at the firm ever cared, offered to help, etc. While they took off and played golf, I worked. You get the picture. Eventually you will get resentful, on top of being exhausted, so you really do need to let the persons giving you the work know that your plate is full, you are already workign far too much overtime, and you cannot take on any more.

       As you noted, it is better to do this before you get to the point of exhaustion. I found that people generally got p**ssed when I reported having worked on that appellate brief or deposition prep until 3 a.m. Just be matter of fact, keep track of your hours and show those to those you report.

       Good luck.

       1. I will echo a lawyer’s point about not waiting till the very end. There’s a fine balance between knowing when you have to suck it up and making sure you don’t go too overboard. Early on I found that when I waited until I was about to have a melt-down, people did not respond well at all. It was seen as a negative (not being able to communicate from my end), even when the environment would not have been super supportive to saying something earlier on.

    2. You’re too sleep deprived for both your and their own good. Maybe you can’t get a weekend day off, but you could take another :-)? Just sleep in tomorrow, come in at noon, and if someone asks say ‘not one day off in 8 weeks, I was about to blow a gasket’. Nobody will say anything, really. If they do, just quote yourself “I’m worn down, I’m starting to make sloppy errors”. Nobody wants that.
       Remember too that you don’t have to do the girl thing and justify refusing things. Just say no. If they insist “no, I have too much other work to do, I can’t take on any more for a few weeks/a month”. And if they really insist “no, I haven’t had a day off in 8 weeks, I’m so tired I’m starting to make sloppy errors. You don’t need that”. The more you explain, the more they get the idea it’s negotiable, but it’s not, or shouldn’t be.

    3. Take out your calendar. Pick a day- say sunday- and write in NO WORK. Treat it like any other non-negotiable commitment. If you can’t get a project done without working on Sunday – refuse the assignment, say you have other work and can’t possibly get it done on time. Repeat weekly. NO ONE is going to take care of your needs if you don’t.

       Sorry for the Ellen caps!

       1. Thanks, all. This is helpful.

          I tried to enforce a day off yesterday, but it was only half successful. If someone high up in the food chain e-mails you, you can’t really not respond, so what I tried to do was respond in terms like “I will do X on Monday. Please let me know if that’s a problem.” For some tasks that worked, but unfortunately other things were apparently urgent, so I had to work on them yesterday, and again today.

          I think the main problem is saying “no” when it’s not exactly impossible to do work. When you can’t take on an assignment because you’re already working past midnight every night, it’s easy to say “no” and, if needed, explain why. But when the reason you’re saying “no” is that you were planning a night off, or a day off — much needed after several weeks of nonstop work, it’s much harder to justify, even though objectively it makes complete sense to take the time off.

          1. This is where the good old “I can do x until tomorrow because I have other commitments today” works. Particularly if it is a weekend day.

          2. Also, while this sounds like a “know your office” thing – it’s okay to sometimes not get someone’s message. “I was catching up on some much needed rest yesterday and didn’t get your voicemail/email until this morning.” Works best if you use a situation where one would not reasonably be checking a smart phone. (hiking out of cell range, at a wedding, sick and sleeping, etc.)

          3. Been there… Make plans for a weekend in the near future. If possible for a full weekend, but if you really can’t do that, book something where you have to leave early Friday evening and come back late Saturday night. Doesn’t matter what it is, go to the beach, visit a family member or friend, take a day trip for a nearby city. But book something and if you can involve someone else, even better. Then, if new things come up, just tell them you have made plans that you can’t cancel. On your day off, check your email once in the morning and once in the afternoon and if something comes up, tell them you’ll be on it the next day.

             I know it’s hard… But you have to take care of yourself.

             Good luck!

          4. It’s just as important to take care of yourself than to take care of your boss.

             If you were planning a night off, you “have a commitment” that night. No one needs to know that your commitment is with a glass of wine, your couch, and a DVD.

             But if you don’t make that commitment to non-work, no one will make it for you. And you will burn out. Nobody wants that.

          5. Good advice from everyone here. To repeat, if you don’t take care of yourself, nobody will do it for you (especially if you’ve given them bad habits about you..). And if you don’t you WILL burn out (since we’re doing uppercase :-)), and then you won’t be able to work at all. It may not take as long as you think, considering what you’re saying, it sounds to me like you’re already way down that slippery slope. Is this what you or ‘they’ would really wish?
             Heed Hel-lo’s advice on what commitment means..

22. Does anyone here struggle with obsessive guilt? Can anyone give any advice about how to conquer the ghosts of past mistakes and move on without them causing panic attacks in the middle of the night?

    I miss being happy.

    1. There are lots of healthy ways to deal with guilt. But your problem doesn’t necessarily sound like “guilt” in the traditional sense, instead it sounds like you’re experiencing extreme anxiety caused by mistakes (either real or perceived) which may not even require any “guilt” at all. And if you are having these feeling to the extent that you aren’t sleeping and you miss being happy, then I’m pretty sure nothing anyone on here can tell you to make it go away.

       Perhaps you should talk about this both with your PCP, who might be able to prescribe an anti-anxiety drug. But you should also try to figure out a way to see a psychiatrist. They would be able to help you develop a mental framework that wouldn’t eliminate the anxiety or guilt, but would enable you to address those feelings and then learn to move past them, or reason yourself out of them, and feel unburdened.

       But you are not alone. I think most people experience this type of anxiety to some extent. But yours sound like its interfering with your daily life and happiness, which is really the problem.

23. Anyone know where I could find a dress similar to this one that Kate Middleton wore to meet the Obamas (but ideally, under $100)?

    http://www.theuniuni.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/kate-middleton-reiss-dress-obama-may-2011.jpg

    I want to fill my closet with dresses like this for spring, but I haven’t seen anything with a cut quite like this. Thoughts on where to look?

    1. Not sure if that’s a Reiss dress, but Kate wears lots of their dresses, and many are cut in similar body con styles:

       http://www.reissonline.com/us/shop/womens/dresses/view_all/?view_type=0&sort_by=0

       Karen Millen also sells similar type dresses: us.karenmillen.com

       1. It is Reiss, and I LOVE those dresses, but I can’t spend that much, so I was hoping for a lower-priced knockoff. Karen Millen looks like it has potential — thanks for the suggestion!

       2. That is the Reiss Shola dress: http://whatkatewore.com/2011/05/24/its-the-reiss-shola-dress-for-kates-first-post-wedding-appearance/

          Wow. Should I be embarrassed that I was able to answer this instantly?

24. Hi! A former colleague has recently had a baby halfway around the world from me, in Canada.
    We supported each other through several personal crises so I would love to get her something special, although my budget right now is very tight. Maybe $50. Neither of us did expensive gifts ever; it’s really the thought that counts here.
    Any suggestions you might have would be much appreciated, and if it were for a company which would deliver to Toronto that would be super!
    Thank you much!

    1. What kind of gift are you trying to send?

       There are tons of companies that deliver to Toronto or from within Toronto.

       I recently sent a bunch of edible arrangements (ediblearrangements.ca) to friends.

       Most online retailers deliver to Canada (e.g. indigo.ca for baby books/baby toys/baby clothes/baby room stuff, etc. , or amazon but their selection for baby toys and such isn’t as good I find).

       There are also some food delivery type places (e.g. mamaluv.com), where she can pick pre-made food to be delivered for a day for like $50 or so.

    2. What about something personalized from Etsy? Check out prints for the baby’s room from PennyPaperCo (link to follow)

       1. These are cute and she can frame them in a color that matches the nursery:
          http://www.pennypaperco.com/collections/art-prints-8×10-art-prints

25. I saw an infomercial for a shampoo/conditioner called Wen, which is supposed to make hair silky, soft, etc. It’s priced very reasonably, although I think they get you with a monthly subscription type of thing. Has anyone tried it? Is it worth the hype?

    1. I’ve always wanted to try products that are sold on television, but I never trust that they wont keep billing me and sending me more products so I’ve never purchased them. I’m not giving my credit card info to them! I think that if anything is worth the hype, they wouldn’t have to sell it in that way.

    2. Not first-hand, but one of my friends just started using that for her (very) dry hair, and it’s has definitely made her hair extremely shiny. The very ends still look ravaged/dry, but but the part from the top of her head down to just above the ends looks amazing.

    3. and it’s not worth the hype. I’m glad I tried it though because it really helped me understand that I don’t need shampoo on my oily scalp; I can use a conditioner instead. Saves me a ton of time in the shower.
       I’m currently using Shampure conditioner from Aveda, but I’ve tried conditioners from Trader Joe’s, Suave, Silk Naturals cleansing conditioners (although it has silicone so I stopped that one), V05, L’oreal Everpure…basically anything that doesn’t have silicone or dimethicone (those ingredients don’t rinse out cleanly).
       I’ll never go back to shampoo – my over-processed hair is so much softer, smoother, and doesn’t fall out nearly as much.

26. So, remember how I was complaining that, since going off the pill, I hadn’t had a period and it was kind of freaking me out? And, when the doc put me on some hormones to start the period, I didn’t start one, so the doc said that I should go on a round of birth control pills to make me have one, and I thought that was funny, that I’d have to take the pill in order to get pregnant? And I said that I was going to put it off for a bit, since we have a tropical vacation planned in June?

    Well, the doctor said to take a pregnancy test, it’s a big long shot and probably impossible, but just in case, before I start the BC pills. I didn’t even worry about it and just waited until I could get to the store yestereday and got one. You can probably imagine where this is going . . . yep, it was positive.

    So, wow. I had pretty much written it off and wasn’t all that worried about it. And yesterday, I bought this really cute dress, which has no stretch at all, to wear on vacation (http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=15292&pid=545071&vid=1&scid=545071012) and I realize that it’s not expensive, but should I take it back because will I even still fit into it? Will I still be cute in a bathing suit, or will I have a little bit extra belly that it’s unattractive but not enough that it looks pregnant? Will I be able to handle a 5 hour + plane ride and will I die of tropical diseases and waterborn illnesses in a country with less than my normal level of medical care available? And work and I’ve gotta tell my parents and who do I need to tell before I announce it on facebook and I guess first I should call my doctor first thing in the morning and I drank several times last week and oh, boy. Also, how the heck are they going to date this thing when I haven’t had a period since 2011?

    As my husband said last night, “Well, you always do like to do things the hard way.” Oh, boy.

    1. Congratulations! You can get an early ultrasound done to date the pregnancy. I had to do the same thing with this one (27 weeks).

       Your mind is spinning! Your vacation will go just fine…go ahead and take back the dress if you think it might be a tight squeeze.

       Good luck!!

27. Hi everyone – I’m late to the party this weekend but looking for some advice on dating clothes …

    Specifically, I’m newly single for the first time since college, and I realized I need some “grown-up woman on a date” type clothes. I’m going for sophisticated, adult, sexy without being provocative. Any thoughts for blogs I should read or brands I should check out?

    Thanks!

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