Weekend Open Thread
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I wish there was a FAQ.
I’m pear shaped (defined waist, carry weight low in my butt and have “saddlebags” as my mother called them). Is The Skirt flattering for this type?
Yes, you are exactly who The Skirt was made for! :o) Or, it works great for me anyway. Definitely size down a size. I have the exact same shape. I didn’t have to have the waist taken in, which is a huge relief, because most pencil skirts I definitely have to.
Besides, they are on sale right now, and Nordies has free returns! Give it a try! ;o)
same figure type here and the Skirt sadly does not work for me (and I’ve tried it in several sizes)- it fits great- no gap at the waist- but it really accentuates my saddlebags.
Agree that with free shipping and returns you have nothing to lose by trying though!
Gift question…My parents are staying at my SO’s parents’ home in a couple weeks. Previously when SO’s parents stayed with mine, SO’s parents got them a nice serving bowl as a gift. My parents want to give them something equally nice. Thoughts? Wine is out (my parents aren’t drinkers and would be terrible at picking something out), as is anything perishable, since they’ll be driving in from out of town.
Something for BBQ season? Cedar planks, fancy wood chips, smoker box?
summer croquet set. they can all play!
I don’t drink, but I have several shops in the neighborhood that’ll recommend something appropriate, no problem. I usually get compliments on my great butcher’s excellent choices :-). As long as you make it clear that you’re willing to spend serious gift money, there is no shortage of good advice.
Something from Nambe maybe?
Going beneath the google-radar for this one.
I’m an ’05 grad who is acting as first lieutenant/coordinator/small tasks do-er for the firm’s largest client because the partner has other clients and can’t deal with all of this. All in all, it’s a pretty thankless task/role with one perk–I am the first associate to get invited to swanky client-appreciation events twice a year. I “got” the responsibility by mentioning that I’d like to get more involved with this client at my yearly review and based on some client management I did at another firm.
There has only been one surprise: a “gunner,” power-tripping, know-it-all, ’08 grad associate who apparently wants my “job”. He criticizes everything I do to the partner (even when I’m just passing along information from the client). The partner is standing up for me.
Today, based on his “expertise” he misrepresented a functionality in Microsoft Outlook and insisted that I was handling meeting requests wrong. Luckily, the partner knows better and I didn’t have to defend how I do things (which are spelled out by the client). He insisted I was doing things from my phone that I should do from my computer (nope), that I need to perform tasks that are best done by other people (because attorneys shouldn’t have to follow up on meetings they attended), that I should delegate some things to people who aren’t qualified to do those things (paralegals don’t know technology–they know how to do paperwork), and that I need to be micromanaging other attorneys more (ha!). The partner and I told him about some invisible-to-him redundancies and some things we are working on to smooth out processes.
Ugh. I just want to tell him to stop it. That he isn’t impressing anyone. He isn’t adding anything to the conversation. The partner doesn’t have time for this sh*t. How do I tell him to mind his own business and service the (smaller) clients he is in charge of?
People are d!cks sometimes, and it sounds like your boss has your back. Unless you’re in a supervisory capacity to this associate, it’s not your place to tell him to stop it and do his job. If he keeps it up, the partner will tell him when he fires him. If you really need it to be addressed, you should speak to the partner about your concerns and ask him what steps he thinks are appropriate for you to take or what steps he would be willing to take to make the guy cut it off.
If you are in a supervisory position to this associate, a good old-fashioned verbal smackdown is called for. Just let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to cut this crap out, but use professional language and don’t raise your voice lest you end up looking like the bad guy.
Former Big(ish)Law associate here….
Sounds like Gunner is more an annoyance than an actual threat, since the partner seems unswayed by his “helpful” comments and obviously trusts you. I’m not sure how much you can do to take people like Gunner down a notch or two, but depending on how confrontational you want to be about this, you could:
a) essentially smile and nod every time he offers a suggestion, tell him “thanks for your input” and then just keep doing what you were doing; or
b) tell him flat out that he seems to be overly concerned with your handling of your client, that you have it covered, that both client and partner are happy with your work and he should probably worry about whether his own clients are happy.
What’s the partner’s personality like? Is s/he likely to just keep ignoring Gunner, or will s/he eventually snap and tell him to shut it?
I’d be curious to hear what others have to say about this, but my gut feeling on this guy is that he’s pretty transparent to others in the firm and probably not very likable, and all of his “suggestions” are just putting him in a bad light to the firm. Given enough rope, he may just hang himself.
http://www.bullyonline.org
It’s still good now because partner is not going for it, but you don’t know who else may be listening to him. And you don’t know when he may finally find something that tips partner over. Try to deal with it, with partner’s help if possible, before you get put into a serious situation.. HR may be your best bet, but only with partner’s help if at all possible. In any case, start documenting now! What he says, how he says it and to whom, how he’s wrong.
Sounds like you don’t need to do anything, and that Gunner 08 Grad is digging his own grave quite nicely.
Can I wear silver jewelry (with an amber ‘stone’) and bronze shoes, with a black cocktail dress? What purse? HELP!! I have no matching/coordinating abilities…
I would think yes…I have a set of earrings that are silver, gold and bronze. I think it’s OK to mix metals (or metal-colors) as long as it looks intentional. Perhaps then a clutch that also mixes metallic colors?
I’m probably too late, but with this I would have carried a colored purse, like a bright red or something. To avoid adding more metallics. But I think you can mix metallics in jewelry and shoes, they’re no where near each other in the outfit anyway!
A post above got me thinking. I’m 40 y.o. and single, and I have no life insurance. Is that crazy? I always thought life ins. is something you get when you have kids. Now I’m wondering if i should reconsider. I can afford it but there’s so many other areas I think my $ should go toward that are more of a priority (day to day expenses, saving for retirement, a house, etc.) Have I got it all wrong?
I think unless someone is financially depending on you to stay alive and earn a salary (for example, if you are paying off student loans which your parents cosigned, or if you are a joint debtor on a mortgage with your sister) life insurance isn’t hugely necessary. However, it may be more difficult for you to get life insurance as you age if you get ill, so if you think that you may one day have someone financially dependent on you, it’ll be cheaper to get it when you’re relatively healthy.
This. I’m in the same situation (single, no dependents). I have some life insurance through work but I have a separate (term) policy that will cover my outstanding student loan balance and a little more.
Agree with momentsofabsurdity and karenpadi so long as there is enough in your estate to mean that heirs get to keep whatever you leave them (ie they don’t have to sell the car because they can’t make the payments) and to take care of the executrix. Don’t you love that word?!
Totally. If you don’t have dependants, you don’t need it. There’s enough to bury me and keep my cat, that’s the basics :-).
At the very least, you should have enough to cover your burial, etc. – and tell your executor about it. You don’t want your survivors having to make decisions about that while wondering if they’ll be paying, or having to front the money and seek reimbursement from your estate. I’m divorced with two kids, but I took out a small policy with my brother as beneficiary specifically to cover those expenses. It seemed like the least I could do to make that time easier for all.
I only have the minimum provided my my employer without charge (equivalent to my salary). I figure I may need to support my parents when they are elderly, so if I die, it will be nice for them to get some cash.
I’m of the same mindset of you. I’m also single, no kids, and think that because of this I don’t really see why I would need life insurance. Additionally, I don’t have any debt, and my mom is the beneficiary on all my retirement accounts. I don’t really know what the extra insurance would do other than give her (or someone else I designate) a big lump of money, so I don’t see the point… consider me short-sighted.
Agree with those who say don’t get it unless you have dependents. OR if you’re planning to have dependents and prefer to qualify for it while you’re young and healthy (premiums rise as you age.)
thx all!
I just found out I have a tiny policy my grandfather bought me when I was born (he sold, you guessed it, life insurance). I asked why as I have no dependents and never plan on having any, my parents said for burial costs. So there’s that, I guess
I’ve had darker spots on my face (not pregnancy related) and have seen great results with clinique’s even better dark spot corrector. It’s really the only thing that’s worked for me. One drawback is I’ve noticed the area I use it on tends to get dark again when I stop using it. Not sure if that’s just because of continued sun exposure but I can say it works as long as you keep using it.
Um, that was meant for anon.. above. I don’t typically just randomly announce these things, honest.
Sure. :)
:)
Hehe thanks :)
I remembering being able to search on this site. Now I can’t find any way to search the site.
Specifically, I’m trying to find the discussion not too terribly long ago where people were commenting on their favorite Unitarian churches in the Washington, DC area.
Thanks.
You have to do a google search now. “site:[thissite].com unitarian”
And if you just want someone to answer…I highly recommend All Souls in Columbia Heights. Very welcoming environment.
Several of my DC friends go to All Souls and all love it.
River Road Church in Bethesda is also a good community.
Help.
I need to take my grandma shopping, mostly for a special occasion outfit on a moderate budget. Shopping for a woman past 60 is ridiculously difficult. Any advice or hints on where to go? I’m wide wide open to all suggestions. This will be in the bay area if location helps.
I’m assuming that she’s not terribly fashion- and clothes-conscious, otherwise she’d know where she wanted to go herself. So…maybe David’s Bridal? They have online an entire selection called ‘mothers and special guests.’ It looks like the dresses in that section would cover a broad range of generational sensibilities and sizes. I saw several under $100.
Macy’s. Seriously. They are my new answer to everything.
Word. Macy’s.
Also, i don’t know how formal the event is, but we dealt with this for my mom at my sister’s wedding. My mom is not really a clothes person and just wears pants and simple tops. We found her a nice, but basic pair of white pants, had them tailored so they looked just right, and a gorgeous silk jacket that was a statement piece/color. Then she just wore a simple white t-shirt under it. That way she felt special and fancy, but also comfortable and herself, cause she just doesn’t do dresses/skirts. But this was for a very simple, summer wedding, so I don’t know if that’s too casual for your purposes.
my mom’s jacket was sort of this idea:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/96594595/dupioni-silk-jacket-asymmetrical-front
Angie at Youlookfab once had a post on a woman in her 70s who was one of her clients, and she looked great. If you can search that site, see where they shopped.
Nordies? My mom went there when she needed to get a MoB dress and shoes for my wedding and she had been all over and was feeling hopeless and the sales rep there just took her in hand and found her the perfect outfit. It wasn’t the cheapest outfit in the world, but I think my mom would have kissed the sales rep if she could have.
http://nomoreharvarddebt.com/
Thought this would be interesting.
Paid off 90k in 7 months and how he did it.
I read some of his entries. He sounds smart, articulate, thoughtful, responsible, fun. In short: marriageable!
Should we introduce him to any ‘rettes in Austin?
There is a slim chance I’ll be moving to Austin…just sayin’. He sounds like a total catch. Although I don’t think I could never take a vacation again, no matter how appealing early retirement is; perhaps I could balance the budget out by reducing his entertainment/eating-out costs with my kitchen-fu.
God more ellens? they are multiplying!
Is this a joke? I’m a regular commenter. Not the most prolific, but I would think enough to not get accused of being an Ellen…
I meant it towards Yenta. I thought the guy was so douchy anyone saying he was a catch was a troll… sorry!
I was being serious. Although clearly not everyone shares my judgment. But I’m not a troll.
Im sorry!
Np
Something about this guy really rubs me the wrong way. I think it is the fact that he created a blog to explain how he paid of 90k of debt although he is probably in the top 3% of earners and has no dependents. I paid off 80K in debt over 6 years while making only 45k. Given this guys circumstances I don’t see how what he did is so extraordinary. I understand that it is a huge sum to pay off but he didn’t have to overcome financial hardship – he had to cut back on hanging out with his buddies and could only onwn 1 vehicle instead of 3. That is just called being responsible and is not blogworthy.
Concur.
Also, from reading, he’s also not a “catch” in my eyes, as he’s self-admittedly become much more comfortable with financial risk. At the end of this project he had almost zeroed out his cash with another two weeks to payday. I’m unwilling to put myself in that kind of financial situation.
Frugality is great. I’m paying half my take-home to my loans, and hope to have $140K paid off in 10 years on a modest salary. But the smug tone? Not so great, IMO.
I don’t have a problem with him doing the blog if he felt that would hold him accountable to his goal.
But I do agree that his situation is not one that most people can or should emulate.
First of all, as some of the news coverage has pointed out, he made some ill-advised financial moves, like liquidating his IRA at a penalty and giving up the employer match on his 401k by not making any contributions. One criticism that I do think is unfair is that he should’ve just paid the minimums on his “3% debt” and invested his money elsewhere. Anyone who says a 2011 Master’s grad has 3% debt obviously has no clue that interest rates for grad students are 6.8% on the first ~$21k/year (Stafford) and 7.9% on anything above that. The only people who were getting 3.4% were undergrads who qualified for subsidized Staffords, and it was only this past year that it was 3.4%–the rates were phased down over several years.
Second, if you run the numbers, he must have had a pretty substantial IRA to do this. $90k in 7 months is just under 13K per month. Adding in his $3k/mo expenses, he would have to make $16k pre-tax if he was making the payments solely out of income, which means an annual salary of over $200k. I believe ~$125k is a fair approximation for MBAs in their first year out (from everything I’ve heard, they start a little under first year Biglaw, but they move up much faster), so his IRA must have been pretty something like $55k after the penalty to cut the balance down to $35k, which he could manage on roughly $5k of monthly income after taxes and expenses. I realize he took on a second job landscaping, but I don’t think that would’ve brought in enough every month to change this analysis substantially–he still would’ve needed a significant IRA to make this work. How many grads with high loan balances have that much in savings/retirement?
Third, while there are certainly grads out there who struggle to downsize their lifestyle from what they enjoyed with Mom & Dad (who’ve been working for 20+ years) or even in their luxury-style dorms that contributed to their sky-high debt, I don’t know many who had 3 cars or in general are spending anywhere near his levels. That he was able to “cut back” his spending so much doesn’t impress me much when you consider how ridiculous it was to begin with for someone in his situation (based on my estimates above, it looks like he was spending every cent he made). For someone who is already living frugally, you’re not going to find 5k in expenses to cut and throw at your loans each month.
Finally, while I appreciate some of his cost-cutting endeavors, like taking dates hiking (I’m an outdoors girl and would much rather do this than drop $200 on some see and be seen restaurant), some of the other things were pretty DOOSHY, as Ellen would say. Smuggling a flask into a bar? Sneaking a bag of M&Ms into the movie theater is one thing, but BYOBing to a business whose sole purpose is to sell alcohol is pretty lame.
I won’t criticize him for making six figures though, like a lot of commenters on news stories. I think that’s actually one of the great takeaways from his blog–taking on high debt is not necessarily a bad idea when its for a Harvard MBA and you’re looking at a six figure salary that will enable you to pay it off. It’s *not* a great idea for a Bachelor’s degree that, even after working 30 years, will never pay six figures, and from a private school that costs $60,000/yr. I realize the market changed for a lot of law grads in the last few years, but for people looking at going to school in the present with full knowledge of the crappy economy, it’s a cost-benefit analysis they have no excuse for not performing.
The DOOSH giveaway for me is the title of his blog. It could have been “nomoreschooldebt” just as well.
Looking for input from the hive! What do you all think of trying to express some personality in your resume? This was feedback that my SO recently got about his resume from a friend. SO worked before he went to law school and he’s already finding it hard to fit everything on 1 page (prior jobs are relevant to the potential positions he wants).
I can understand trying to express that you’re more than your job, but admittedly it’s somewhat foreign to me as I’m working in an academic setting right now and am used to having a CV. (BTW, I also find it weird to include your GPA from more than a decade ago, but he swears it’s important to include it.)
I’m in law and have some hiring authority at my firm. I never see GPAs on a resume unless it’s a current student. Either you include honors, or if you didn’t get honors it just says your degree. Some people include an extraordinary academic accomplishment like a *very* high class rank, Order of the Coif, etc. Everyone includes their journal; if I don’t see a journal listed I assume you weren’t on one.
I think you can show some personality in the layout and font of your resume, somewhere between a plain, straightforward Times New Roman 12 point resume and Elle Woods’ perfume-scented pink paper. You don’t have to add a whole new interests section, but you can word your resume in a way that shows aspects of your personality, e.g. “Headed department task force on fundraising” would show leadership and initiative, or “Captain of company softball team” would show that you’re sporty and like hanging out with colleages outside of work, “Provided 100 hours of pro bono services” shows charitable and community involvement, “Published note on legal strategies to abolish puppy mills” shows interest in animal rights, etc. Including professional activities such as membership in a local bar association, volunteering with a legal aid clinic, etc is also a good idea and can show your personality a bit. It’s also good to list your foreign language skills if you are professionally fluent, and that also will add personality.
Also, if he worked before law school and it’s relevant, it’s fine to have more than one page. I wouldn’t take up over a page if he’s only listing law school activities, but for real jobs it’s fine. It’s important to include all your relevant employment. and then if you’re already over a page it doesn’t hurt to add one line of activities and interests.
GPA from someone who’s ever worked is downright weird..
I wouldn’t add info about hobbies and extracurricular activities either. To me, it’s about how you word your work-related accomplishments, and having accomplishments at all. Read all of askamanager.org, something’s bound to come up.
Also, if I may, getting your SO to do your resume is on a par with having them teach you to drive – possible, but risky on several levels :-).
Yeah, that’s what I thought (GPA on resume) but he swears it’s really important. To clarify, SO did his own resume, but he asked me to proofread it.
Then you should probably stick carefully to proofreading alone, for your sanity as well as his. Maybe gently recommend getting some real advice, and point him to askamanager. But he’s going to have a hard time finding a job this way, if only from his attitude that probably extends to more than GPA. If you’re not willing to bail now, try to stay well out of it :-).
Hello my lovely ladies! I was wondering if any of you know where I can purchase suit (separates) with an a-line skirt? I don’t really like pencil skirts (I’m short and I just don’t feel like they flatter me especially if I’m wearing flats) but all skirt suits seem to have them! Banana has one but only in black and tan it seems. Ideally I’m looking for any shade of gray or navy. Thanks in advance!
I just picked one up at Limited in black…I can’t recall if there were other color options.
I’m tall and I don’t wear pencil skirts without heels, btw. They just don’t look right with flats to me.
If you’re willing to spring for it, Brooks Brothers has the best looking A-Line suit I’ve seen in a long time (it was featured on this site I believe.)
I’ll post the link to the skirt in the next post.
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/IWCatProductPage.process?Merchant_Id=1&Section_Id=374&Product_Id=1652806&Parent_Id=1034&default_color=BLACK&sort_by=§ioncolor=§ionsize=
Some of the Calvin Klein suiting separates for Macy’s have A-Line suit options
Ann Taylor has one right now with an a-line skirt (in their tropical wool line).
I’m intrigued by the plug for eShakti dresses, and especially skirts. Can anyone on this site speak to the sizing and quality?
I was very disappointed in a skirt that I purchased from eshakti. Granted it was custom size, so I may have measured myself incorrectly (although I used to sew so I know where the measurements are supposed to be taken) but the sizing was way off. I also didn’t really like the quality of the fabric (wrinkled basically at the touch) and there was a weird ruffle thing in the back that hadn’t appeared in the pictures.
thanks!
Sydney, if the sizing was off did you consider returning it? I could see how fabric quality and even weird ruffles may be chalked up to the travails of Internet shopping, but way off measurements are just too far off..
Unfortunately the return window was pretty short and I missed it. I need to make one of those spreadsheets that everyone was talking about earlier this week to stay on top of returns…or just order everything from Zappos!
Everything from zappos would be very limited :-).
But it doesn’t sound like you’re going to have this problem from eshakti again. Sigh.
Finished my first week at the new job in litigation support this week. It was so different than appeals and the week flew by! I went to court and was introduced to a bunch of judges who were all very nice, drafted responses to three post trial motions (one of which the judge requested a proposed order on), answered a few questions and was asked by a senior attorney to assist on high profile trial in July. The pace is so different much faster that appeals and the atmosphere in the office is much more social than my old office. Although it will take some more settling in, so far I am really satisfied with my decision to switch jobs and step outside of my comfort zone. I was so nervous going in. Thanks for your support Corporettes!
So, did any of your colleagues ask you yet whether, in all your years of reviewing trial transcripts, you ever saw X and what you thought of it?
Not yet! I am waiting to get the question though and will keep you posted.
Random question: any runners with “chub rub” ever consider liposuction to correct the problem? I’ve been a runner for 10 years now, and my thighs touch regardless of how thin I am (seriously 8% body fat and size 0 at one point, and they still touched). It causes chafing and limits the shorts I can use for long runs. Part of me wants to get lipo to fix this, but I also wonder whether it would correct the problem and whether it is worth the (large) cost to do so.
Thoughts? TIA!
Should probably also mention that Body Glide doesn’t help at all– I currently have to wear long bike/compression shorts for any run over 3 miles.
I’d try running skirts before lipo. Mine all come with compression shorts and are super, super comfy.
I have a similar problem, even at 10% body fat. To be honest, I’m not sure if it’s really “chub” that’s the problem, or inner thigh muscles, or the width of my hips. I suspect my muscular thighs and the frame of my body have a lot to do with it, and I don’t think lipo could really take care of it. It sounds like “chub” might not be your real problem, either.
That said, a quick google search revealed a few people who have had it done and seem happy with it.
Biking shorts. My thighs rub no matter how thin I am too, and life’s too short to put up with that.
I’m considering this dress http://m.allsaints.com/product/?all=1&page=1&category_id=22&prod_desc_id=5052654071719&position=95 for my wedding (clearly non traditional here). Thoughts from the hive mind?
This just goes to the main page–what is the dress name?
It’s a wrap dress “skull de joey”
I like it but wonder if it’s too too and not enough wedding for the family
I think it’s really pretty. I love Allsaints.
I lovelove love this. Gorgeous and perfect for a non-traditional wedding!
This is a follow up to my previous posts about a coworker who is attempting to sabotage me. I found out that in addition to trying to act like he is my manager, he has made disparaging remarks about my work product to my actual manager. He is also going around telling other team members that the team made a mistake letting me sit in on strategy meetings because I am “too inexperienced”. I have notes from him and my managers telling me that I provided a lot of great input during the meetings and that they are very happy with my performance so he has done a 180 since these meetings took place. I also discovered that the coworker from hell is planning on writing me a negative review in my next 360 review.
This review will go on my record with the company so I am very concerned what this will do to my professional reputation. In addition to dealing with this, this guy has also made inappropriate comments about my body to me and about me to other coworkers, and personally insulted me, and called my husband a douchbag to me in the middle of a team meeting. At the time he had never even met my husband. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone at my work or with my husband.
I am so upset and I don’t know if I am being irrational but I want to share all this with upper management to do two things:
A) get back at him for being an a**hole
B) discredit his reputation before mgmt reads his nasty review of me
I know I am probably too upset to think straight but I don’t know what to do to protect myself. Upper management doesn’t know anything about the situation so this bad review will come out of the blue and I’ll be left to try to defend myself. I don’t want to go to HR as I don’t want to get flagged as someone who is difficult to work with.
Please help I am really struggling with this one
Hello and a hug from one dark-of-the-night wanderer to another. I’m concerned that the situation has you so unhappy that you’re posting to Corporette at midnight and feeling all alone. (OTOH, I’m awake myself because my own sleep cycle got disrupted by stress-induced insomnia earlier in the week. Personal, not work-related, but still stressful.)
I’m also concerned about the tone of your latest message. In earlier posts you’ve described the situation and the assertive, capable ways in which you’ve responded. Now you’re also stating your desire to get back at this person and discredit him. Self-defense is good, but not at the expense of causing unnecessary harm, even to one’s attackers. (There’s a difference between being strong and being over-aggressive in defending oneself.) The high road may not lead directly to the corner office but it usually gives one more inner peace. So yes–and I write this with caring, not condemnation–maybe you are too upset to think straight. Sometimes it’s best to step back from a problem and let your brain cells regain their bounce and flexibility. (Sorry for the mixed metaphor; in my own defense I’ll say it’s late and I’m tired. ;-) )
The good news is that there’s still half of the weekend left in which to chill out and recharge your batteries. Read a magazine, watch some relaxing TV, or take a walk outside, knit, putter around tidying up some part of your home…whatever makes you feel good. I also recommend telling your husband, even if only to say “this is bothering me; I don’t want to talk about it for a long time but I did want to tell you that it’s happening.” (It would also be great if you can share this with someone at work…didn’t you say that you have spoken with your supervisor and he/she seemed to be supportive of you? And–more comfort–probably some of your other coworkers are not taking his every negative statement about you as the whole & undiluted truth?)
The hive will be here for you later; right now I want you to do something to make yourself feel calmer in real life. My sense is that things may look better, or the solution will be easier to see, after you have taken a break from pondering this situation. Sorry if this sounds preachy. I don’t mean it that way. (Again, it’s late and my own brain cells are not firing on all cylinders.)
I’m going to be running around tomorrow but I’ll try to check for replies (from you or others) at some point in the day or evening. Right now please tell yourself that even though this one coworker is being extremely difficult, there are other people in your life who want what’s best for you, and that you’re both capable of achieving that in your life and deserving of that support. I’ve already followed my own advice by having a cup of herb tea (I know, this sounds so old-fashioned!) and am now sleepy enough to try to outwit my insomnia. Take care.
In moderation (not sure why? too long) so trying again in the super-short version:
Posting at midnight is a sign that this is really bothering you; sorry you’re struggling; take comfort in having half of the weekend left in which to fit some self-caring/self-nurturing time; talk to your husband even if just to give him the heads-up that this is bothering you; believe in yourself and have faith that things will work out; often it’s best to take a break–it makes the problem more manageable when you return to it.
Wish I could have been this concise the first time around, but I’m fighting my own battles with insomnia (currently my stress-response-of-“choice”, argh) so my own brain isn’t 100% clear and I’m not always super-articulate.
I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote that sleep “knits up the ravelled cares” of life (? apologies if I’m mangling his language.) . So true.
Thanks for your response! I did end up getting some sleep! I have been driving myself into a tizzy thinking of the best way to handle this with the least amout of damage to everyone involved but I get so upset at the thought of someone doing this to me solely because of his own insecurities about my excellent work performance. Not to mention the black mark his nasty review will be on my file.
Just to clarify I have shared the overall situation with my manager and my husband but NOT the comments about my body and insults about me and my husband. This guy is a loose cannon so I have always tried to let his comments roll off my back and all my interactions with him have been respectful and professional.
You may not want to go to HR, but you need to go to HR with this. Particularly the inappropriate comments regarding your body. This is both (1) to get it on the record that there are issues before he does your 360 review and (2) to get it known that HE is creating a negative work environment.
You are past the point of trying to deal with this without the Company’s help (whether it be your manager or HR).
Agreed that you need to go to HR; it’s what they are there for. Comments about your body, calling your husband a DB… so far over the line of professional behavior that you can’t even see the line anymore. It’ll be nerve-wracking but will probably lead to an improvement in your situation.
Tell your manager, too.
The point isn’t to get revenge or to discredit his review. The point is to improve your working situation. His behavior is unacceptable, period, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Sigh. Second recommendation today, but it’s really excellent: http://www.bullyonline.org
Don’t go to HR till you have all your documentation in hand, if only because that will convince them they should at least try to listen to you. Also because you need to be prepared for them not to be necessarily supportive :-(. You are too upset to think straight, but hopefully a good night’s sleep will have helped? Start by getting it all in writing, with dates and all supporting documentation, names of witnesses etc, that’s the most important part.
Classic sexual harrassment and retaliation –
He made comments about your body.
He called your husband a “d-bag” in public.
Then when you didn’t like it, he is letting everyone know he’s going to give you a negative 360 review.
If you work for a company of any size, they will have done extensive training on sexual harrassment (and its fraternal twin, retaliation) and will absolutely intervene.
Document, document, document. When he says or does something inappropriate, write it down, with the date and time and names of anyone who witnessed it.
If I were you, I’d be knocking on HR’s door first thing Monday morning. And I’d tell your boss exactly what you told HR. They cannot ignore this or make you the bad guy.
P.S. Forgot the most important part in my super-short summary: Take care of yourself! The hive will be here for you (and I’ll check in at some point tomorrow).
Another work corollary post to previous posts regarding work :-) As background, I’m an attorney doing marketing and not-really-law for an international (French) company. I don’t have experience in what I’m doing, but I have the skill set (for the most part), so I’m at a manager-level, although our branch is small enough such that I don’t have anyone below me.
2 months ago, my co-manager pulled me aside and said that I don’t do project management, and that he can’t work like this. I said that I do, it’s not to a specific method, but that I think I work just fine and frankly, he needs to learn how to be a bit more flexible. Boss stepped in and said that he had been wanting co-manager to teach me project management for awhile now and that I should learn how to do it because people want to feel more part of my team. I told him that from what I can see, my productivity will drop, my stress will rise, and I’m going to waste my time. Boss agreed on all points, said that it’s important that people feel more involved in my projects, and that I’m so smart and go so fast that I need something to slow me down so I don’t leave the weakest part of my team in the dust.
This past week, boss proposed team building training for me, which I said I thought I didn’t need because people on “my team” (i.e. the ad hoc groups of people I ask for help with my projects) work just fine – work gets done, on time, and well – what more can I ask. Boss replied, in a nutshell, that he wants me to be friends (like, real-life friends) with my co-workers, get them to “really believe” in my projects and that I need to be nicer. As I described in an earlier post, I’m not a “Go team!” kind of person to begin with. During lunch and out of work, everything is fine with my co-workers, talking with them about their lives, trips, etc. My co-workers even volunteered to help me move – so to me, everything’s fine. I told my boss that if he thinks I need the training, I need it, so I’ll go. He said that if I don’t think I need it then he’s not going to send me.
This whole shebang has made me inexplicably angry, which I realize is completely irrational – what they want doesn’t seem too far off from what I already do, but I can’t seem to get over the “they want me to do WHAT?” feeling. Oh, and no one has really explained to me, even after I’ve asked, what exactly they want. The only reason they give me for changing (it’s not company policy, btw) is so others can feel more involved and for political reasons, not because my boss doesn’t like how I work and my work product. I committed to two years with the company to justify a higher salary in negotiations, and now I’m thinking, “what have I done?” I’m not quite sure how much of this is first-job issues that will just work themselves out, and how much of it is “this is really not for me” kind of thing. I know there’s a cultural/language gap, but I’m beginning to think that in order to overcome it I need to become someone I’m not, which makes me resentful. I just want to put my head down and work, why can’t I do that? Is it too much to ask to know what I’m doing before I deal with inter-office politics? Any advice?
Eeep! Sorry for the giant post on a Sunday… :-)
Okay, I’m coming at this from a manager’s perspective but I have to say that I’m not sure I understand why you are so resistant to learning project management and group processes. They really are helpful! I am an administrator/manager in a team-based organization and, while I am fast and productive on my own, I can’t do it all. I wouldn’t want to! You need to bring other people in to your work appropriately and manage their time effectively and learn how to manage the group to make good decisions together. As angry as you are about this, I truly think that this would be a great opportunity for you. Try to work on being open to those ideas. There’s a difference between your initial (maybe defensive) reaction and how you will eventually process all of it.
As for being real-life friends with your co-workers, I think that’s a lot to ask. I do spend some time outside of work with my co-workers but my closest friends are outside of work. I wouldn’t want someone to tell me who to be friends with and, in fact, I draw a line at socializing with staff who report to me. There are too many personnel issues that can come up to allow friendship to come into the picture. I think perhaps your boss isn’t expressing it well but he just wants you to play well with others at work. I could have been you when I was younger. If you really want to succeed, you’re going to have to get better at the things your boss is suggesting.
What I’m reading between the lines is that the people you work with don’t feel that you value them personally or their work product. That’s a big deal. You’ve been told twice now that your boss thinks you could benefit from project management and team building training. This sucks to hear, but whatever awesome job you believe you’re doing, you are not meeting expectations in at least one area– working with other people.
Leap on the opportunity for (free!!! company subsidized!!!) training and try not to see it as a personal affront. You’ve said you don’t have experience in what you’re doing. How could additional training hurt? You’re bound to learn something. Even if you don’t apply it at this job, you might find it helpful five or even ten years from now. Again: how could it hurt?
Also, it will give your boss and co-workers warm fuzzies about you wanting to fit into the culture of the company and validating what they believe to be important. What’s so wrong with that? Cultural fit is a big deal. Maybe ultimately this isn’t the right company for you if they want you to sit around singing kumbayah with your co-workers, and you’d just rather keep your head down at your desk. But making an effort to fit in and showing a willingness to learn and step outside your comfort zone will go a long way.
And as for being friends with your co-workers outside of work, I wouldn’t put too much stock in that suggestion. Your boss may have suggested building friendships w/ your co-workers as a way to build some camaraderie in light of your flat refusal to do any team-building training. One way or another, it sounds like s/he wants you to improve your relationship with your co-workers.
Good luck.
Oh Sarah, I hate to break it to you but when your manager tells you you need to learn to be nicer, it’s time to get out. A French company that tells you to be personal friends with your coworkers is probably suffering from an excess of reading US management drivel too, and has its priorities completely mixed up.
I second Herbie in saying that you should make nice and go to the training, having it on your resume can’t hurt you, and you may even learn something :-). But I’d do that to give time for your resume to hit a nice target out there, and hope the training is just the cherry on the cake for someone. And I’d also do my best to get some documentation of the fact that your projects are in fact doing well, just in case. Make sure that part comes through loud and clear in your resume, and that you can sound confident about it in an interview.
The other good part about training is that it’ll get those people out of your hair for a while :-). Think of it as a vacation.
I’m curious about this idea that being told to be nice to others —> bozo company, must get the heck out?
Your boss is telling you that you are not succeeding at your job. He wants you to do it differently. Telling him it will make your productivity drop, stress rise, and waste your time is, frankly, unprofessional. And those types of reactions are probably why they are recommending this training. Especially since you know there is a cultural/language divide, I find it really odd that you are jumping at the chance to learn how to bridge that gap. I think this does sound like first-job issues, but they won’t just work themselves out until you realize that working well with a team and selling what you do to your group is a huge part of being a successful employee.
Thanks for the replies – I appreciate it! I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m just going to have to suck it up and do it more, but I think my biggest hangup is that I see my co-manager doing it, and I don’t think it works. To me, it seems as though he wastes a ton of time. The projects that I’ve done using the method run, on average, between 4-9 weeks late (which I can’t stand). If the warm fuzzies make up for the loss in productivity, fine, but so far I don’t think they have. Maybe I haven’t been doing it long enough to get to the point where warm fuzzies are more important than getting something done?
I’m not sure why I’m so angry about it either, but I do think the whole introduction to it could have been handled better.
tough love time- your posts reeks of entitlement. You don’t get to go in and say the system isn’t working. When you get to the top and have no boss, by all means, make your own system. Get rid of that system. And when a young employee who just starts tell you she doesn’t want to do it your way because she thinks your way is really ineffective, think about what your reaction would be.
Yeah I agree with this. You need to readjust your attitude. Remember, you don’t have the big picture here!
Part of your job is making your boss(es) happy, not just completing your projects. I have a coworker who very effectively “gets things done” but everyone secretly hates him because he does it by politely but publicly calling out his team members. Who are grown ups with fifty things on their plate. They are trying get to everything and don’t need to be called out on it. We continue to be courteous and friendly because we are mature professionals. Take the training. If your boss says you need it, you do.
Is a French manicure okay for a conservative office? I’ll be working only with men if that makes a difference. Thanks!
In a word? No.
And it’s not just for men. A “French” manicure says loud and clear “I don’t do any work, I can’t”. Is this what you want to convey?
Boo- ive never had one and I thought it could be interesting.
I think this is a YMMV thing. They definitely don’t say “I don’t do any work” to me. First I’ve heard that to be honest.
It’s late in the weekend and I know few people will read this. I feel so dumb about this and I know it’s whiney, but I can’t help it. I know this is unbecoming and horribly juvenile, so bear with me and then tell me I’m crazy at the end.
I graduated with appox. a 3.8ish GPA from a top 20 school a few years ago. I worked for it and worked to get the best internships I could every summer, which set me up great for post-graduation in terms of grad school and jobs. I am pretty happy with grad school and my personal life, and in 99% of my life I am over this stupid sibling rivalry, but right now it is really bothering me.
My youngest brother has never had to work for anything. He has nearly a 4.0 (like 3.96) at a top 20 university but has never really picked up a book. Because he has an eidetic memory. So really, he hears it or sees it once and has it forever. He made Phi Beta Kappa and the first thing my aunt said when she found out was “Well wouldn’t it have been nice if he had to work for it?” In 4 years of college he hasn’t really had an internship or any kind of employment experience and no extra-curriculars outside of IM sports. Legitimately nothing. He worked one summer for 3 or 4 weeks in the office of a family friend. He is graduating at the end of this week and still has no job lined up. He applied for a few in the fall that were not entry level jobs, they looked at him and saw he had no experience, and then he just stopped applying, hoping my parents would continue to fund his life (which he told me, knowing they said they wouldn’t, but also knowing they could and that they wouldn’t want him to be destitute and without health insurance). Then about 3 weeks ago, I helped him apply for a job in a competitive NYC law firm. Because he has zero experience, I didn’t think he would get it. But it looks like he will. And this makes me so angry. After doing absolutely nothing for 4 years, he’s potentially getting an 80k job. I know I should be happy he likely has a job and that it will be good for the rest of his 20s development etc, but I just feel like I worked for things and it’s not fair. NOT FAIR. You don’t get to do nothing for 4 years then end up on your feet with no effort involved whatsoever.
Ok, vent over. I apologize for acting like a 4 year old.
Hun, haven’t you ever heard that life’s not fair? Focus and be proud of your own accomplishments, and think about how your hard work adds to you as a person. You have a quality, work ethic, that he doesn’t have. He has a quality, his amazing memory, that you don’t have. Imagine if he was thinking “she gets that job just because she works hard she is not even as smart as me! But she got a job right out of school and I didn’t and my gpa is way better than hers!”
Him being successful doesn’t take away from your accomplishments. Its just two different people with different qualifications. Life is long sweetie there will be up and downs for you both. Nothing about what you described sounds like a sibling rivalry, its just straight up jealousy. There will always be people who you could be jealous of, and obviously it hits close to home when its someone from your home. But focus on yourself, and remember that he is not taking a job from you, getting a job helps your family as a whole.
I understand your frustration. I don’t have siblings, but sometimes I find myself getting a little jealous of friends who got jobs because of who their parents are or who have fancy clothes or houses because their parents bankroll them. But then I remember that it’s not a zero-sum game.
Like cc said, your consistent hard work has shaped you. You will be successful in your job because you have a great work ethic. There are a couple of lawyers in my firm who got their jobs because their parents are big clients. I have zero connections and have worked hard for every accomplishment I’ve had. I’m accomplishing a lot, and my work ethic has been noticed favorably many times. So, try to keep your head up. You should be proud of your accomplishments.
I agree with AnonInfinity above. School rewards great memory. Real life rewards hard work. In the long run, his lack of work ethic will count against him a lot more than your lack of eidetic memory will count against you.
But it’s ok to feel jealous sometimes, it doesn’t make you a 4 year old, just human :)
Agreed. Life is going to be tough from him here on out if he’s not willing to put in some effort. Memory can only get you so far. Laziness is not going to be particularly well received at a big NYC law firm.
I agree and was going to make the same point. Sibling Rivalry’s brother is about to get a reality check. While his photographic memory made school a breeze, it will help him only marginally at his job, and while his family have helped compensate for his lack of motivation, his bosses and co-workers at his firm will not pick up his slack for him.
Some people, including your brother, are lucky – and that includes being lucky to have you to help him find a job. Pat yourself on the back for having helped him, and do your best to recognize that his success does not detract from your own. What goes around comes around, mostly, and it was good of you to help him out.
If your brother is a bona-fide genius you can probably make yourself feel a little compassion by reading up about geniuses. A huge percentage of them never fit in to the world at large and are never successful. We hear about that handful that actually manage to fit their square peg skills into the round hole world and make a ton of money, but that is in reality quite rare.
I am assuming this is just a vent, and that you will be able to maintain a loving, sisterly relationship with your brother, whether he succeeds or fails.
I’m probably projecting but I can vividly imagine my daughter writing your post 15 years from now. This mama just wants her babies to love and support each other their whole lives, despite their differences.
We definitely have a great relationship outside of this. In fact, yesterday we talked on the phone for a half hour. So it’s not like this really impacts out relationship in real life. We had sort of a tumultuous relationship in our early teens for reasons not related to this at all, but now we get along really well, which I am really glad about and wouldn’t trade. So dont worry mamabear, I’m sure your daughter will love her brother in 15 years regardless. (ps you sound like an awesome mom!)
It isn’t a zero sum game and you guys are right, he’s going to have to work harder at this potential job (or any other job) than he has ever worked in his life. I’m happy he’s my brother and am proud of his successes. I do want him to well and I definitely dont want him to fail. At all. I was just really frustrated.
You know, I think you need to evaluate the relationship you have with your brother. Because I just think about my little sister, and anytime she does something amazing–I am so thrilled and happy that she is my sister and that she’s succeeding in life. I went to a fancy undergrad which has a strict grading policy and graduated with something like a 3.4 in engineering. She currently attends a slightly less fancy (I am really splitting hairs here, think the difference between Penn and Yale) undergrad and has recently been getting A+’s in her chosen major, biology. If I were like you, I feel like I would be constantly comparing us and annoyed that she is doing so well at an “easier” school. But that would be crazy! It’s not a zero-sum world, and when someone, especially someone close to us does well, there is really no space for being less than happy about their achievements.
So be happy for your brother! If he does well in life, he can help you take care of your parents in their old age. Let’s reserve schadenfreude for when people we dislike do badly (and hope *they* never do well), and instead hope that people close to us are successful so we can share in their achievements.
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