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Weekend Open Thread

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569 Comments

  1. If you have a really long commute, do you mind it? I’m interviewing for a job that would require a train commute of 1.5 hours each way. One hour would be on a commuter rail so I could probably do work/watch something on Netflix, and the half hour would be on the subway at a busy time of day. The job itself would probably not exceed 40 hours a week. Right now I commute half an hour a day, and I’m having a hard time picturing what a longer commute would be like. Is it tolerable?

    1. I commuted about an hour or more one way, in a car, for many years when I lived in the SF Bay Area. This is pretty common, and it didn’t strike me as unusual or something that I could have (or should have) done differently until I moved to another state where commuting more than 20 minutes in a car is considered crazy. I can’t speak to commuting 1.5 hours by train, but I think that a 3-hour round-trip commute would be too much for me, unless there really were no other options and I was desperate for a job.

    2. I did 2 h each way for several months at one of my company’s offices (I’ve since switched offices). Otherwise, the conditions are exactly the same as what you’re considering. I can’t concretely speak for or against it in your case, but with a job I already severely disliked, the commute was the straw that broke the camel’s back – every day. Other posters have mentioned that it’s normal in a lot of regions, so I think I can phrase it this way: a commute like this becomes a big mental burden and source of stress as soon as things aren’t going well at work. I remember feeling like I was “trapped” at work when I missed one train and had to wait an hour for the next one. Also, our office culture was for a lot of people to get in at 7 and leave at 4, which wasn’t possible with my commute. It left me feeling really guilty/lazy, and I was alone at the office at 6 pm a lot of times. The last more objective thing was that dr.’s appointments or happy hours that weren’t unreasonable (say 8:30 AM or 7PM) really cut into my work day because of the commute. Ex. that appointment would get me into the office at like 11:30 as opposed to 9:45. Sorry to sound like such a downer, but I would keep these things in mind.

    3. I did it for 16 months. I commuted from Boston to Portsmouth, NH (unless I was traveling)–so 65 miles each way. The commute always took 75 minutes in the morning and anywhere from 90 minutes to three hours in the evening.

      It was sometimes OK and sometimes awful; mostly it was a huge time sink. A train commute might have helped; I could have read books.

      Personally I need a lot of sleep so during the week I felt like all I did was come home, throw down some dinner and pass out. I didn’t really get to see my husband and forget hanging out with friends or going to yoga or anything. But that’s my situation. If you need three hours of sleep or something, you might have a better time with it.

      1. I would also be commuting into Boston, on pretty much the same route you were, just a little closer in. If I get the job we’ll probably move to somewhere in the Haverhill area. How did you find driving into Boston? I’m so intimidated by the idea that it hadn’t even occurred to me to drive, but that would potentially cut a fair bit of time off of the commute.

        1. Driving into Boston from far north of the city (read nearish to the NH border) can be either fine or a nightmare, depending on the day. I mean, its just stressful. My friends who do it hate it. But one of my friends who lives in NH switched over to a commuter bus that comes down from NH to South Station and she actually enjoys that — because she views it as *her* time, she can read, listen to music, etc. I think in that sense the commuter rail (which has wifi) vs. driving is better.

          But seriously, I would find an hour to an hour and a half drive is going to get miserable quickly. Could you move further in? You’re honestly probably not going to pay that much more in rent to live in some of the closer in suburbs (like Reading, Wakefield, etc.) then you would in Havehill — though don’t completely quote me on that. Might be at least worth checking in on it.

          Plus one more thing to consider with driving in. You almost certainly wouldn’t be able to drive all the way in. You’d probably have to drive into the orange line, like the Wellington T stop, and park there, and then take a 15 minute T ride into the city. Because monthly parking passes in the city will generally run you about $250-$400 per month. So…yeah.

        2. I hated coming off the Tobin bridge because that’s when I would see my doom. That last mile on Storrow was the worst part of my commute (I lived in the South End–and we’re selling the place if you know anyone . . . ).

          If the Red Sox had a home game OR the Pops were playing OR in the summer it was Wednesday night and there was a concert on the Charles, well then I’d call my husband and tell him it would be at least an hour and to have a drink ready.

          I also drove a reverse rush hour, so that helped a little. However, I couldn’t use the commuter rail, it didn’t get me where I needed to go and my schedule wasn’t flexible enough to know I could leave each day in time to get the train.

          TCFKAG is right; driving into Boston isn’t much fun, esp if you are doing it with normal rush hour traffic. I would never have done it myself; going the other way was bad enough. If you know for sure you are taking the commuter rail or the bus, that’s slightly better.

          Now I have a 3 mile commute in ridiculously light traffic and I am still giggling that I have a whopping five minute drive.

      2. Yep, my current commute is about this long. It is tiring, unbelievably time-consuming, and makes doctor’s appointments and happy hours almost impossible (as another poster already mentioned). We are moving soon to be much closer to my job and I can’t wait. I can’t even imagine having kids with this kind of commute. It turns my 40 hr a week job into a 60 hr a week job.

    4. I had a 35-40 minute car commute last year, and despised it. I think some people handle the stress of commuting better than others, but I just hated feeling like I was wasting almost 90 minutes of my life, every day, getting from Point A to Point B. I would think commuting by train would be better in some ways (do work, watch Netflix) and worse in others (no flexibility, if you miss a train or forget something at home you’re scr*wed). Either way I wouldn’t do it, but only you can know what will work for you.

      1. I commute 1 hr by car each way to work. Granted, I’ve only done this for two years and it’s an academic position (so flexible hours and a 9 month contract) BUT it really is not that bad! It took me a while to accept that chunk of time will be spent sitting- but I’ve torn through some amazing audio books and think that a commuter rail that allows you to work/enjoy yourself is absolutely managable. The only thing that concerns me is the kid factor if and when we are lucky to have them. So something to consider as that distance may make it more difficult for you childcare wise if that is an issue. Let us know what you decide!!

    5. I commute into Boston with about this – 20-30 minute drive into the station, wait for the commuter rail (because you need to park, pay, etc. and I always plan extra time), then about an hour into the city. The way home is a shorter commute by a few minutes.

      I’ve been doing this temporarily. It’s tough at first, but bearable if you love the job. You will be tired after the commute, though. At the same time, I know a ton of people who drive in (or have in the past) and it isn’t much better.

    6. I’ve had 1-1.5 hour car commutes before and currently it takes me about an hour each way on the subway. A train commute is so much different than driving! I don’t mind it unless I’ve been working crazy hours and am exhausted. Otherwise, I read a lot or download video news podcasts the night before and watch them on my way in the morning. It’s nothing like driving yourself where you have to pay attention, develop road rage, feel like the radio hosts are your real life friends, and grow to hate every piece of music you own. clearly I don’t really miss driving everywhere. Until I need to buy more stuff than I can carry at once or have an inexplicable desire to go to Costco, that is!

    7. My husband has a 2 hr each way train commute and he despises it. It’s on a commuter rail (for an hour) and a subway (for half an hour) (with the rest of the time spent getting to and from the stations) and he has a mifi so he can work on the trains, but it still sucks the life out of him. I would avoid it.

      1. Sucks the life out of me is exactly how I (and my husband) would describe it. I did it because I needed a job (husband had just gotten laid off) but I’m far happier now that I don’t have a lengthy commute.

    8. My new commute is an hour and 15 minutes each way – on a good day. That’s about 50 minutes on the T, plus the drive to T station from home and the walk from the T station to my office. If the T is delayed, all bets are off.

    9. I had that long of a commute for about 2 years. Then I got pregnant and couldn’t imagine having that commute with an infant, so I left that position for a part-time adjunct position. (Then I moved to another state and SAHM for a while, and then had a 45 min commute, which I didn’t really like and now have a 20 min commute, which is heaven)

      I think it depends on what you’re used to and your personality. My counterpart (different, but complimentary area) in that job had no problem with the commute since she had that that long of a commute her entire 15-year career. She was in that job for 8 years. If you’re used to a short commute, it may be difficult. Calculate when you’d have to leave the house and when you’d arrive home and decide if you could do it. If you like cooking, long commutes can be soul-sucking if you’re stuck with takeout or Hamburger Helper during the week.

  2. I’m trying to gauge something that I can’t quite describe. Are any of you ladies particularly sensitive? Do you find yourself literally in tears thinking about the random deaths of strangers (things you read of see on the news)? The reason I ask is that I am like this. I experience passing moments of intense sadness that will come over me like a wave. I’m starting to think that there may be something wrong with me.

    1. I don’t think so. I have to change the channel on that stupid Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial comes on (strangely, Save the Children commercials don’t make me cry. I don’t know what that say about me as a person). And reddit’s recent thread about “most powerful images in human history” had me bawling like a little baby.

      If it’s affecting your life – if you are having trouble getting through those waves of sadness to the other end, if your life is becoming more cloudy gloom than brightness, it may be worth speaking to a therapist about. But in general, being sensitive is not necessarily something “wrong” that needs fixing.

      1. ARGH that ASCPA commercial. I have to change the channel too. The quivery little kitten faces–I cannot deal.

        So Anon 3L (congrats on graduating!) you are not alone in this at all.

      2. Animals get me every time. I have to change the channel when the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial comes on. I even started tearing up at the War Horse trailers.

        1. I cried like a child at War Horse. Also, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, during Snape’s flashbacks. Sobbing. Alone in theater. Getting strange looks from people. It happens, man.

    2. I am exactly like this, and have been like this all my life. I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with me. I am not depressed–I am happy, engaged, energetic. But I experience moments of extreme sadness when I think about the human condition, and all the suffering in the world.

    3. Not to make light of the issue because I frequently cry when a hallmark commercial comes on or when any of my friends link to anything having to do with veterans …but intense, sudden crying is usually a symptom that I’m hungry, tired, stressed out, or on placebo week. When I eat something rich in vitamins, take a power nap, go for a walk, etc., it goes away.

    4. Thanks, ladies! It doesn’t affect my life. I get through my day fine, and I’m generally happy and well adjusted (though bar prep is turning me into a beast that I don’t recognize). I think there’s also something to what Karenpadi mentioned. It does come over me when I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But knowing that it’s not uncommon at least relieves me of the anxiety that there was something wrong with me!

    5. You’rer studying for the Bar?

      Forget it. You won’t be a normal emotional person until that test is over. I know studying was fine for some people, but for me, that mental marathon was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.

      Of course you’re going to get sad at random times. You’re also going to get angry at random times “for no reason.” You will also laugh for no reason, and be rude to your family or whoever is living with you. All these are symptoms of the stress you are under. Make sure you and your household are prepared.

      (Even after Bar study was over, I have no idea why I watch Grey’s Anatomy or Private Practice any more. Tears every time. Also true for some Hallmark commercials.)

    6. Nope. I cry occasionally during sad commercials, during sad episodes of shows that other people wouldn’t find sad. During news shows about things that aren’t even particularly sad. AND GOD SARAH McLACHLAN….she makes me cry just thinking about her.

      One twist for me, also, is that since I have an IUD and no longer have my period there’s sort of no way to know where I am in my cycle. So it could be that I’m hormonal. Or it could be that in my old age I’ve become a softy. I like to think that I’m just very sympathetic to other people’s plights! Right right???

      This is why I have to be really careful about opening people’s articles on FB at work. About half the time they’re something that will make me tear up!!

    7. I am like this too – usually not just from routine news, but I cry very, very easily. I am almost 100% certain my birth control is causing it though, because I wasn’t like that before I went on it a few years ago. I’ve heard of people with more intense reactions than I have who switched because of this, but since it took me a while to find BC without other terrible sideffects (skin reactions, bloating, etc.), I just deal with it.

      1. I do, too, and I think it’s absolutely normal. And I’ve actually been wondering about the same thing lately, the pervasiveness of such feelings.

        I definitely experience the moments of deep, deep sadness for the unfortunate fate of any one person I do not know or for the inescapable condition of humankind. Mind you, I am most definitely not depressed, and it’s not hormonal (for me), either. I feel this palpable existential sadness. It used to scare me, but the older I’ve gotten, the more comfortable with these feelings I have become.

      2. I cry so easy! Also think its connected to my BC. Cry at anything about the military, wedding proposals online, commercials, like legit so much. Movies I cry like a baby. I dont remember being like this in high school or college

    8. Well, I can’t say if that’s normal or not. I’m not like that. But unless you find yourself crying at work if someone snaps at you, crying because you got negative feedback, crying because you didn’t get the assignment you wanted, etc, it’s not a problem. Also, even if you do think you’d cry in these situations, I think most of us age out of it – I cried at work a couple of times in my early 20s, both times because I was upset/frustrated and justifiably so, but it hasn’t happened at all since I was 24. You just grow up and get used to the working world.

      I’m a happy crier. As in, when a contestant is exuberant after winning on Wheel of Fortune, I shed a few tears with them. And don’t even ask what I’m like at a wedding. Luckily, I rarely find myself overjoyed in the office. :)

      1. No, it’s not this^^^^^. And I’m definitely not young (or lacking in maturity). It’s more like what IVO described, although I do notice it more when I am exhausted and stressed. But it’s not because of stress, exhaustion, or hormones.

    9. When I was in college, my sorority presented me with the Wet Hankerchief Award.

      Not much has changed.

      I’m OK with being sentimental, but it gets a little embarrassing when I cry every time there’s a baby on TV. :)

    10. Sounds like you’re empathic. I am an introvert because I absorb the feelings of others around me, so being alone is so restful. I cried through the first half hour of Saving Private Ryan. I never want to see that movie again. You are not alone. It’s really tough. I’ve been having a bit of a tough time in my marriage recently because DH is stressed about work. He radiates that stress when he gets home (not on purpose!), and I absorb it.

      You have to find a way to recharge. It takes a lot of self-care and knowing yourself. I haven’t really found an effective way of “shielding” myself. Just know that sometimes what you’re feeling aren’t actually your feelings.

      1. I’ve been thinking about the whole introvert-extrovert thing lately. I’m usually pretty outgoing and happy around others, so I just assumed that I am an extrovert. Or so I thought when I was always alone (I took a few years off between my career and having a baby just to be still. And get pregnant, which is a whole ‘nother story). But I realize that I do find quiet alone time restful and recharging and I wonder if I’m really an introvert. I crave alone time and I get very grouchy if I have to go throughout an entire day without anytime to unplug from others. I think I might need to add some alone time to my bar de-stress plan. Daily workouts alone are not working. This thread has been really helpful for me; Thanks, ladies!

        1. You can be a mix of extroverted/introverted! I’m the same way and label myself a mix. Scheduled mindless TV time is wonderful, because workouts feel like work (although I wish I was that person, maybe I would run more if it was destressing).

          I get choked up at sad things too, even if it’s just a quick mention. Like a newscaster will mention “fire in suburban home!” and I’ll start to tear up. I’ve always been a crier (when I was upset or embarrassed when I was little, now when I stub my toe) and blush to the extreme so I figured this went along with it. Hasn’t affected me at work, but I have no idea how to make it stop.

          My SO is a crier too. Game of thrones has been rough for us- I get a lump in my throat and he cries actual tears (lady!). This makes me ridiculously fond of him and amuses me to no end. Arguments are difficult because I get upset enough to cry, he starts crying too. I fear for any children we may have. :)

        2. I’ve never really found the introvert/extrovert labels to be particularly helpful. I am social and like being around people. But as I’ve grown up, I have realized that a couple hours at a big party is kind of enough for me to handle. I need to go home and lay around to recharge. So maybe I’m growing/changing? Or maybe I was always like this?

          For some reason, I cry at parades and Big Community Events. I also cry at political rallies and at union workers who are on strike. Maybe it just moves me to see people working together?

        3. I’ve always been confused about the introvert/extrovert thing, too. By the books I’m an extrovert (my dad is a psychologist and we all took loads of personality tests growing up when he was learning how to administer them), but I absolutely feel grouchy if I have to spend all day interacting (like at a conference, or god forbid, family vacation). I think very few people feel energized by having people around allllll the time.

      2. In addition to all of the good advice you’ve received above, you might want to check out The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, especially if you feel that you have always been highly sensitive and not just since you started law school, or started studying for the bar (both of which can make you crazy).

  3. Hi ladies–Anyone have recs for a large bust-friendly trenchcoat? I am a 34G, I would like to buy a trench, and everything I try on is really constricting and barely lets me move my arms. Under $100 would be ideal… less would be even better. I’m willing to wait for a sale if needed.

    1. I am your size and have a great one from London Fog. I got it at Burlington Coat Factory for $99. They also carry them at Macy’s, often on sale.

    1. Beautiful dress! With that neckline you can’t wear a necklace. I’d wear noticeable earrings – either something long and dangly or bigger hoops. I’d also wear a bright color shoes, not black and probably not yellow because it’d be too bumble bee.

        1. You’re welcome. On further thought (and believe me, thinking about your fashion choices is way more fun), I’d wear fuschia or dark pink shoes. And Chico’s, as crazy as their clothes are, has some great earring choices.

      2. Agreed. Dangly or brightly colored tear drop earrings (maybe teal or turquoise or something) and then bright shoes (I’d be fine with yellow but something in the blue family would be nice or maybe orange just to mess with people’s minds).

          1. Love!
            And now I feel like I’m “official” C*rpor#tt#—because I’ve just been TCFKAG’d! ;) Thanks!

          2. I went to a south asian wedding a few weeks ago and now I’m obsessed with chandelier earrings (I think they’re really either in right now with south asian women or very traditional, one or the other.) :-)

  5. Fun adventures in discount shopping. Went to Costco today to buy some essentials (read toilet paper and some (ahem) feminine products). Got a pair of leggings for wearing under tunics/dresses. I’ve been in the market for a pair of black leggings for approximately ever. Most look either (a) too much like yoga pants or (b) too see through or too twee for me. This brand, Flexees Fat Free Dressing (please forgive the name) tummy control leggings are both quite slimming and flattering and surprisingly soft and comfortable on. Plus, though they are control top, they aren’t TOO control top, they’re comfy! And they cost $13. SCORE.

    Also, I got a black sheath dress. It is, admittedly, a poly blend. And I’ve never even heard of the maker. But it was $29.99 and when I got home it fit nicely around my rib-cage, which is such a challenge for me. So even if it only lasts for a few months, I consider that a win. I’ve been on the hunt for a black sheath work dress for so long, I decided to take a risk, and I think it paid off.

    Plus — I bought two more of the Kirkland brand camisoles with the built in shelf bras which are my favorite camisoles. And they are, still, lovely. Pack of two, $12.

    SO…long story short, I love our Costco membership.

    1. I am not allowed to have a Costco membership. I go in for olive oil and canned tomatoes and then I’m, all, hey! What a great deal on socks! We can always use socks. Oh, hey! Look at this 100 pack of birthday cards. I need that. HEY! That’s a great deal on that vaccuum cleaner….

      1. Um. The above post sort of demonstrates this, we went in for dryer sheets, toilet paper, and the aforementioned feminine products. We left with many, many, many more things. Its a problem.

      2. This is why my SO has absolutely forbidden me to go to Costco… he does all the shopping there, and comes home with very rational things like canned tomatoes. FOOEY!

    3. Hey, is Costco better than Sam’s? I hate Sam’s, other than gas, but there is a Costco going in supposedly not too far from me.

      1. Well, lets see. I won’t shop at Sam’s out of a vague moral objection to Wal-Mart (not trying to start anything — but its just a personal thing.)

        But I’ve been to some Sam’s and I prefer Costco. I think the quality of the meats and fishes are better (at Costco you can get restaurant grade steak) and some of the frozen food is divine, especially the cream puffs. The fruits and veggies are also pretty baller. Actually I’m sure there would could be a whole TJ about people’s favorite Costco items, but that probably would have to be earlier on the weekend, but I know I have friends who cater whole parties out of Costco.

        But, if your issues with Sam’s Club is that its large and crowded and crazy…well, Costco is also large and crowded and crazy. But I like the stuff inside enough that I’ll tolerate it (though if you can go at off times its worth it.) Plus as I said, you can sometimes get the weirdest great finds there, like I got my favorite pair of Ray-Bans ever there. Also they have unbeatable prices on electronics and really good quality and prices on outdoor furniture and the like (though you have to haul it away yourself, no delivery). Also, for bulk items like tylenol, shampoo, or detergent, I really think it can’t be beat. We don’t buy fresh food there too much because since there’s only two of us, it goes bad. And the frozen food, we’ve tried to cut back because we were just filling up our freezer.

        But here’s a great example. At my Costco, you can get a container with three or four (I forget) ball of fresh buffalo mozzarella for $8.99. At a Whole Foods or other specialty cheese shop, it would be that much for one ball. I’d go there just for that.

        1. That’s kinda what I had heard. Post-K, I was living back in PA for a few months and my parents’ friends bought a lot at Costco for parties. I may switch to Costco when it comes. I wonder if it’ll have a gas station.

      2. I think of it this way:

        Costco is to Sam’s as Target is to Walmart–talking quality of items, nothing more.

        1. Agreed. It’s the Target of warehouse stores.

          Costco is more of a west-coast thing, Sam’s is more east coast. I prefer Costco. Better food, clothes, books, selection of pretty much everything.

          I’ve also heard great things about Costco Travel agents.

        2. I learned long ago that Costco and Target were synonyms in Yiddish for “I didn’t plan on spending all this money and buying all these things that I will need eventually or never knew I needed but now are absolutely essentials.”

          1. This is very funny. Requesting permission to quote you! (I know that I’m responding 14 hours later but a girl’s gotta procrastinate sometimes. Am now going to do. my. work.)

        3. I think Costco actually has high quality things. They are selective about what they stock and put their brand on, and they stand behind their stuff with their return policy. I like Target, but I don’t really think that’s a good comparison. Sam’s is the same company as Wal-Mart.

  6. Recs for a running belt or arm band. Something to hold my phone while running that doesn’t let sweat leak through or slip/stretch out (or too tight) like some arm bands?

    1. I tried the ampad arm band. Even wrapped all the way around it was still loose on my upper arm. With the weight of the phone, it slipped down easily.

      1. I have the yurbuds ironman series and love it. I have teeny arms, so many of the others I’ve tried have just been too big; this one is totally adjustable and gets tight enough that it stays in place. It’s sized for an iPhone (I throw mine in with id, some cash, a credit card, a metrocard, and my keys) – but I imagine other phones of similar size would fit as well.

        Another perk that I love is that the touchscreen works through the plastic front, which is great for using runkeeper.

        1. Where did you get yours? I looked at the local running companies and they didn’t have much selection? I’m going to head to D1cks today.

          1. I got it at paragon sports, but they don’t seem to have it online.

            But if you search yurbuds ironman armband on amazon, it comes up.

    2. http://www.armpocket.com/products/SPORT-20-LW.html It conforms to my arm pretty well and is sweatproof. I have an iPhone 4S and the touch screen works well and I don’t have to take my phone out of its case. I like that it can hold a key and ID, too.

      I’ve tried the Griffin, Belkin, and another brand that I can’t remember. I researched the Runners World forums and the Armpocket brand gets pretty favorable reviews.

      1. My earlier comment is in moderation (Armpocket hyperlink), but I remembered the other brand. PDO Sporteer. It fit snugly around my arm, but it was a pain to get my iPhone in and out of.

  7. Any creative solutions, or just stories, about having a major kids/no kids conflict in an otherwise fantastic relationship? My boyfriend and I are really really happy together – everyday I thank my lucky stars that there’s both someone so awesome in the entire world, and that I was lucky enough to meet him. (Yeah, sounds cheesy, but I waited a looong time, and waded through some pretty hard things to get to this point, so forgive my gratitude overabundance=)) We just have 1 major issue, and it’s a doozy: I really want children – raising kids has always been the thing I looked forward to most in my life -, and, he has profound misgivings about bringing a child into the (sometimes cruel) world and isn’t sure he wants to have kids. I’ve ended previous relationships over the kids/no kids issue, no problem, but, I really like him, know this is a really good relationship, and we are both very much striving to find a solution which honors one other and which will work for us both. When I think about either breaking up with him, or not (trying to ) have kids….my life seems so meaningless…I just don’t care about waking up in the morning anymore. And I’m generally a very happy and engaged person. Anyone got stories of navigating a similar situation? Or negotiating with a spouse about having kids?

    (He’s great with kids – would make the best dad of, honestly, anyone I know, and has always said he would be fine with raising a child if I’d already had a kid. (Which is able to make responsible, religious me think I should have had a few one night stands before I met him!) I’m 32. Since the obvious answer is adopting, I’ll mention that I have witnessed a few adoptions gone wrong up close and personal, and, although I know adoption can be a wonderful blessing (I’ve seen that, too) and I feel like a horrible person for saying this, I’m hesitant to go that route. (I’m afraid of getting a child with major mental health issues (already partnered my ex-husband and with a good friend through their battles, and seen 3 adoptive families I know trying to help their bipolar/schizophrenic children….I know how soul crushingly hard that can be, and I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with that again…), afraid of getting a child who is just so different in temperament/abilities/etc from me that what I have to offer them isn’t what they need, afraid of years and years of waiting and having the mom change her mind, etc). And adoption seems unfair, too – like we’d be stealing a child from an infertile couple, since we (as far as we know) are capable of having a bio-child. So, I know adoption is an option and I can definitely imagine it as an option with a particular child in mind (rather than the general concept), but, I’d like to focus more on stories of negotiating have a bio-kid, or coming to terms with being a super-aunt, etc.

    Any stories or advice? Thanks!

    1. You are missing the obvious. There is no reason to suffer from pre-partum depression. If he really cares about you as you say, and you manage to “slip up” on the birth control one day, what is he going to do, run away? Of course not! At 32, your eggs are not getting any younger. Lots of women have gone down this path, leading for the most part to a very happy family relationship. You can be the next one to do so. Good luck!

      2. LOL, well, that would be one way to get over the hump of actually making a decision, and then just settle into enjoying our kid. And, I know a few guys who were glad their wife’s pushed them over the hump in that way. But, I just couldn’t do it….he has always treated me with such respect, and so much of our relationship has been about being able to be authentic and honest with one another, and he has stated that he needs to decide intentionally – my being careless is a no-go for him.

    2. Being unsure is different than not wanting kids at all. I think you can work through this, so long as you’re honest with him that you absolutely want your own biological children and if this is a dealbreaker for him, that’s his decision. Most likely he will come around. Frankly, I don’t know anyone who felt ready to be a parent before they had their first child, nor do I know any parents who regret having children. Since you’re 32, I’d probably set some sort of deadline – i.e. you want to start trying for a baby at 34. If he can’t deal, then he’ll probably end things, but I don’t think that you need to be the one to end things.

      1. Hmmmm…..this is helpful, thank you! I’ve been seeing myself as the one with slightly less power in this negotiation, but, it’s helpful to see it as something that I can put forward as something that I need, and that if that makes him decide not to stay, it’s his decision. We’re sooo good at watching eachother’s backs, that I somehow hadn’t thought of it this way. Just a slight shift in perspective, but, you know, if I say “I need to know that when I turn 34 (also my internal timeline=)) we’ll start trying to a baby. “, I really don’t think he’d walk. (Though, if that’s what he needs to do, then, it’s what he needs to do). And I really, truly, with everything I know about him, think he would enjoy being a parent once the decision was made.

      2. I agree with everything J said. Your boyfriends sounds like (what I understand/have been told) my dad was like before I was born. He liked kids, was great with kids, but not super excited about having kids of his own. I think what happened in the end was that he saw how much it meant to my mom to have a family and he went along with it. And you know what happened? According to my mom he took to fatherhood increibly quickly and, almost 28 years later, my dad and I are still incredibly close.
        That being said, I don’t know that my dad would have enjoyed/taken to fatherhood quite as much if my parents had had more children. So that’s one thing to consider – maybe he’s not cut out for/wanting 3 or 4 kids, but 1 or 2 might be a little less scary to him.

    3. I wholeheartedly disagree with the poster who suggests you trick your partner into impregnating you. What a horrible way to begin a lifetime commitment.

      I also think you’re wise to hesitate about adoption. I know every time someone posts about infertility here, it seems like a hundred-member chorus rises up to say, “Adopt! There are thousands of wonderful babies who need homes!” but in reality, that’s not how it works. Waiting times are really long if you want to do it the cheap, public way. Or if you want to go private, it’s really expensive. I have two friends who adopted and how have kids with severe learning disabilities due to in-vitro drug and alcohol exposure – one of these children actually has to go to school out of state because his issues were so unique. You have to know whether you could handle this.

      I have two friends who conceived through sperm donor. The nice part about it for them is that no one is going to come up out of the woodwork someday and claim half custody. One of my friends is still single. Another met and married a man who had no issues considering her babies as his own, and has now legally adopted them (aww!)

      If you really feel your life would not be complete without being a mother, you shouldn’t let your current boyfriend talk you out of it.

      1. Thanks for your kind words (and understanding about my mixed feelings about adoption). The sperm donor option is something I’ve definitely thought about! There’s something so magical about the idea of knowing your child is half someone you love, but, I’ve definitely considered using a sperm donor. (And then my boyfriend can decide if he wants to be a part of our lives or not). Thanks for sharing their stories!

    4. Well, my husband occasionally has doubts about fatherhood, I think his mostly comes from fears that the stresses of jobs and life will make him a bad father, that he won’t be able to handle the additional stresses of fatherhood. So we are focusing on getting our lives to a place where we feel that we can handle those stresses and provide a happy home.

      But here’s the thing. The “cruel world” thing sounds like something of a cop out — by which I mean that there sounds like there is something deeper there, something he’s either not telling you or not telling himself. Maybe you need to be honest with him, that this is a relationship ending issue, and ask him to please go to therapy with you to talk about this. Because — while yes, this can be a cruel world, this can also be a world filled with immeasurable happiness and joy. And you need to get a feel for what this cruel world thing is really about. Is this something that’s happened in the past to him, something he could work through and come to terms with? Or is this something that is a deal breaker for him and isn’t going to change. And if so, well, then I think you sort of know what you need to do. Because — in the end, if you have a baby or not, if one of you wants one and the other doesn’t — the other will end up resenting the one who got their way (and worse possibly resenting the child).

      Now as to the adoption issue. I think you shouldn’t feel guilty about “stealing” a baby from infertile couples. Adoption is not a zero-sum game. But its also not your only option. If, in the end, you decide you want to have a child on your own, artificial insemination seems like a viable alternative for you if you have the means. Especially if you are still relatively young and healthy. Certainly you could at least give it a try. You could also consider becoming a foster parent to at least try parenting a child who might be more difficult (or might not) — its a way you can take a child into your home with a support system behind you, training up-front, and while its never easy, it can also be extremely rewarding.

      All that said though, I wouldn’t give up on your boyfriend. Talk to him. Try to get to the root of what’s really causing this. “Cruel world” or not — I’m betting that’s not the only reason he doesn’t want kids.

    5. He needs to change or you need to change. It’s that simple, really.

      But, uh. Stealing a baby from infertiles? Please immediately disabuse yourself of the idea that adoption is the domain of infertile people. As thought it is somehow our province to “save” the parentless children of the world. It isn’t and it’s downright offensive to say so. Providing for parentless children of the world is a responsibility shared by everyone. It’s also really offensive to listen to you describe adoptions as having gone wrong. Yes, there are huge risks involved with adoption, but people go into it knowing about these risks. Even in situations where there are latent disabilities, I would honestly be shocked to hear an adoptive parent say that they regret adopting their child. Because parents who adopt are not doing any favors for the child. They aren’t saving the child. They are parenting their child.

      Finally, you never know what you’re going to get with a bio child. Your child could have mental health issues, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, etc. You don’t even know at this point that you are capable of getting pregnant. All you know is that you get to control the prenatal environment by eating well and not drinking alcohol, smoking or doing drugs. That’s it. But there’s a whole host of other things that can crop up even when you do the best you can. I know you meant well, but I found your sidebar about why you don’t want to adopt really misinformed and insulting. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want to adopt.

      1. Annonymous – thanks for you thoughts. You are a wise woman – there is indeed more behind the cruel world comment. I know what’s behind it (some real tragedy), but I think I’ll take your suggestion to take it to therapy.

        Anon, I’m really sorry I offended you. The weird thing is that I actually agree with you on almost everything you said. My comment about “stealing” came from my knowledge that there are WAY more people wanting to adopt (domestically, internationally, and yes, even from foster care) than children available. (And in the care of foster care, where that’s largely a bureaucratic issue, that’s tragic). So, YES, it’s the responsibility of the world, and, YES it’s a wonderful world with many many people who would love to welcome a child. I realize now that you are probably also offended by my wording of describing the difficult situations I’ve seen. (I think we can agree now that I should not quit my day job to become a writer). All of those parents do indeed love their children, tremendously, but all of them have counseled me that the road was far harder than they ever imagined. My sample may not be statistically valid, but, it’s the people in my (parent’s) circle. I just don’t think I’m up for the additional risks. I wish I was, but, the normal amount of risk is all I think I can realistically handle at this point. I wish I could have just said “let’s discuss options other than adoption”, but, that makes me sound like a heartless person – this is always such an emotionally fraught topic, I’m very sorry I offended you, and I wish you the best.

        1. Thanks for responding. And just to be clear, there are not WAY more people wanting to adopt than children available. In fact, it’s the opposite; there are more parentless children than parents willing (and able) to adopt them. :)

          1. Thanks for your note – I was really feeling terrible that what I had said could have hurt someone else, since I know how painful this whole topic area can be.
            The whole question of whether there are more kids than parents, or parents than kids is an interesting one, and I’d be curious to see more numbers. Just this morning I read this:
            “Finding parents to adopt children is not the problem. Far more people want to adopt children from foster care than there are children available.” from, http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/why-all-the-snags-in-interstate-adoption/2012/06/01/gJQAB4uq7U_story.html

          2. The article you linked to refers to adopting children from foster care and through interstate adoption. It’s also an opinion piece that incorrectly suggests it’s so easy to adopt internationally. It’s not. We’ve been in the process for more than 2 years and still have not been matched to a child – not because there are no children, but because of the governments and red tape involved. The same is true for domestic adoption. There are plenty PLENTY of children available for adoption, but the process can be painfully slow because of regulations.

            Anyway, my whole point was to suggest that you be a little more mindful of the assumptions you make and the things you say about adoption, infertility and parenting. Many people will not tell you to your face that the things that you are saying can be insensitive and hurtful.

            As to your real issue: If having a children is that important to you, then I think you should find a partner who shares this desire. Imagine your life 20 years from now without children but you’re still with the same man. Are you excited? Does the picture you see make you happy? If not, then I think it’s really that simple, as painful as it may be. Best wishes.

        2. I didn’t read the article linked to, but my observations from working for a social services agency in the specific area of foster care and adoptions:

          This probably varies a lot by jurisdiction. In my locality, there are more wannabe adoptive parents than babies for adoption if we’re talking about healthy (in the broad sense, i.e. not “medically fragile”) kids under 2. But there aren’t so many that it’s really competitive for the parents- just enough so that healthy babies will always find adoptive placements. When you get to older kids it is a little more tricky- both because there are fewer prospective adoptive parents and older kids are often more resistant to being adopted if they remember/want to maintain ties to their biological parents. But, even when there is never an adoption, just long term custody and guardianship, it is a very fulfilling arrangement for these kids and their guardians. Many foster parents are quite content to remain just that- foster parents.

          I work in an affluent county in a major metropolitan area. I can imagine that other states may have less prospective adoptive parents, and it is extremely difficult to place kids across state lines with non-relatives.

          As for the risks of latent disabilities/medical problems, I can’t say anyone is really wrong or right on that count. We do see kids who were adopted internationally who end up in the child welfare system because the parents couldn’t handle their mental/physical issues. But we have a skewed sample because we wouldn’t see these kids unless something had “gone wrong.” I will say that if this is a major concern, I think you are better off adopting through the foster care system because you will have as much info as the agency has about the kid/bioparents. And the benefit to the slow moving process is that there is a long period where you aren’t 100% committed to adopt and there is room to back out if it become apparent that you can’t handle the kid’s needs. Plus, during that period, the county/state will help out in locating and paying for services the child needs, like therapy, medical appointments, etc. At least in my jurisdiction, there is a decent support system for parents who adopt through foster care. It is my impression that you don’t always get that with international adoptions, but I don’t have any hands on experience with that.

    6. I’m afraid I disagree with those who say this is an easy issue to get over.

      You should know where your SO stands on having kids. Could he be telling you he’s “unsure” only because he doesn’t feel comfortable enough telling you he doesn’t want them?

      If he doesn’t want them, and you do, then having an “oops” baby, or adopting isn’t really going to get over that issue. Talking about adoption is kind of avoiding the real issue, which seems to be that he doesn’t want kids.

      I’m sorry.

      1. I agree with Rosalita, my first thought was that he might be saying that he’s “unsure” because he knows how much you want kids and could be feeling the same misgivings that you are about what this means for your relationship. I think you need to figure out whether he’s actually unsure and could change, or if he’s just trying to work his way up to telling you that he doesn’t want kids.

  8. Needing some guidance. I’m a summer associate in NYC. We have an event coming up in a bit that’s “festive attire.” What is that, generally? Long/short dress? I’m working on finding someone at the firm to ask about it, but in the meantime, just curious if there’s some sort of general guidance on it.

    1. Festive attire depends on the holiday. I’m guessing yours is 4th of July. That would be red, white and blue. Maybe a jean skirt, white tank and red cardigan? Or jean skirt and striped top? Jean capris and red and white top?

      I think you have a lot of leeway here. If the event is more formal, maybe blue and white sundress…

      1. Weirdly, it doesn’t seem associated with a holiday at all. It’s in the middle of July, and it’s dinner and drinks at a place I’ve never been with a bunch of partners. That’s why I’m kind of stumped. “Festive” totally implies holiday to me, but…

    2. I’m always found “festive attire” in summer associate parlance means non-work attire, usually cocktail. Ask the associates, they’ll have been through this every summer.

    3. GRARRR moderation.

      I usually find that “festive” in summer associate parlance means that its non-business, i.e. c*cktail. Ask the associates.

    4. I’d wear somethign sparkly or shiny, like a pencil skirt with a colorful silk blouse. That way you are unlikely to look inappropriate no matter what everyone else is wearing.

  9. BREAKING NEWS I will soon be employed by Anthropologie (or er, they offered me a job, I said yes like 898797 times). Please, everyone, say a prayer for my self-control. (But…but…60% off six tops! 60% off six bottoms! 60% off three dresses!)

    1. For ever or just until you leave for Spain? Or am I confusing you with someone else leaving for Spain?

      2. Yeah, just until I roll out for Spain. I’ll see if I can get it expanded to an Internet Friends discount ;)

        1. Well, then YAY! Just remember, every dress, skirt, and jacket you buy is one less sangria, plate of tapas, or whatever you can buy in Spain. SAVE SAVE SAVE!!

  10. Fashion advice- My fiance is a 1st year associate, and I need to accompany him to the firm’s summer party, held at a country club. I didn’t attend the Christmas party, so the partner my fiance works for has informed him that I should attend this one.

    My fiance plans on wearing khakis, etc. And I wear…what?

    1. I saw some a country club attire suggestion in the Washington Post this weekend. (Link to follow.)

      1. Ugh, I saw it in the print edition and apparently it doesn’t exist online. Anyway it was a $320 dress from a boutique in DC anyway, so not sure how helpful it would be.

        I’m sure country club attire varies by region, but I would check out summer dresses (something like a structured sundress) at Nordstrom, J. Crew, Zara etc. If you don’t want to buy something new, I’m sure something you have worn to a summer wedding would be appropriate.

          2. Hahaha. I saw that dress and didn’t link to it because I worried that going in madras might make it look like you were ACTUALLY playing “country club dress up” or something. :-P

    3. I live in DC and am a lawyer. I would wear a tailored but not too dressy dress (not a beachy sundress), some sort of pearl accessory (either necklace or studs), and nice sandals. Basically what you’d wear to church on a hot summer day. If it’s indoors, wear a cardi; if outdoors, wear a sun hat.

      Dress links to follow.

        1. May I say I’m digging this dress, regardless of the sitch. (Though for a daytime country-club event it might be a twee bit formal. But a night time country-club party, it would be perfect.)

          That just occurred to me. Is this day-time or night-time?

        1. Thanks for all of these! I was thinking structured summer dress as well, but I’ve never been to a country club event.

          I’m also thinking wedges- heels might be problematic if I have to step outside, and flats might be too casual.

  11. Any in-house patent litigators here? I’m < 3 years into biglaw in patent litigation, and I've spent the last few weeks worrying/wondering where my career is headed for someone who doesn't have a computer science/engineering degree. If there are any ladies on this board who made the jump from firm to in-house for patent litigation, I'd love to hear when you made the transition and how you found the job. I realize there aren't many – if any – junior in-house patent litigator positions, so I'm curious to hear about people's experiences in making the transition. TIA!

    1. The only IP litigators I’ve known who went in-house didn’t go as litigators, per se – they went into positions where they manage/coordinate outside IP counsel. Both of them had significantly more experience than you – approx. 1-3 years as a non-equity partner. Both of them went to work for existing firm clients, after each one had worked for the respective clients’ cases for years. So I assume (but can’t say for sure) that the opportunities came out of those relationships, not out of formal job postings.

    2. @in-house patent litigators: although I manage our IP litigation docket, no advice on making the transition, as I didn’t do patent litigation before this.

      However, check job postings on LinkedIn and acc.com. I frequently see listings for relatively junior in-house positions in IP and IP lit.

  12. Just wanted to say thank you for the all the Friday thread comments in response to my question about Virginia weddings–I really appreciate it. If you have any more thoughts, I’ve made an account– VaWedding125 at gmail dot com.

  13. PSA – $50 off any $100 purchase at Ann Taylor with code ANNFLASH from 6pm-10am EDT tonight and tomorrow morning.

  14. Awkward question ahead-

    I have a coworker I carpool with. She’s very nice. However, she… well… smells. I have a moderately sensitive sense of smell (esp. depending where I am in my cycle, for some reason? Weird.) so it may just be me. But it is noticeable (at least to me), so that I crack the windows or turn the air on even on cold days.

    Is there any way to bring this up without hurting her feelings? I have been ignoring it thus far.

  15. I wash my washable work-wear in the delicate cycle. This weekend I accidently put in my white button down in the washer with my colored tops. Now its come out not quite so white. I am sad! This was my favorite and best fitting white shirt. Any ideas on how I can save this one?

    TIA!

    2. Rit Dye Remover works better than bleach, IMO. Bleach sometimes makes fabrics yellow. It’s sold with the Rit Dye in the housewares section of drug stores or perhaps Target.

  16. help! i had my suit skirt emergency hemmed, and put it on without realizing that they did not press the hem!! so you can tell it’s been “freshly altertered.” i’m already at the office, without a change of clothes. is there anything I can do? I have a hair straightner with me, so I thought of running it over to make it press down, but I’m afraid of ruining the skirt or making it worse! i’m wearing wool gabardine, fyi. any tips?!

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