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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Boden has a lot to like in the clearance section — given the frigid weather in NYC this weekend, a huge comfy sweater sounds about right. This one was $148, but is now marked $59.20-$74 — it's available in three colors and sizes 2-18. (Pro tip: sign up for the email newsletter because they do occasionally offer free shipping and free returns through offers there.) Cable Swing Tunic (L-2) Sales of note for 8.30.24
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- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
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- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
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FP Angie
Earlier this week (or maybe late last week?) someone commented on dropping Weight Watchers and using two free programs to lose weight with success. Can you comment further? (Or if someone remembers, point me to which thread it was on?) I think I’m ready to drop WW. Thanks!
TBK
Ugh, I just signed up with WW again and am now remembering why I hate the new system so much. In the past, I’ve tried the Livestrong app and myfitnesspal. Both have online and mobile app options. I like Livestrong because it breaks down your daily food intake by macronutrients in a handy pie chart. The down side is that the food database appears to be largely crowdsourced and so you can get some wonky differences between values for the same food.
B2b
What’s the new system? Did they make changes in 2013
De
What don’t you like about the new system? I just signed back up last week, and previously used the old points system.
AJ
I don’t know about TBK, but I feel kind of…hamstrung with the WW 360. I lost weight on PointsPlus in 2011, but it seems like I now have less points to play with AND food costs more points. The end result was that I was grumpy and hungry everyday.
TBK
When I say “new,” I mean PointsPlus vs Points (I think the change is from 2010). I lost about 25lbs post-law school/post-first year of BigLaw life back in 2005. I was never hungry. I drank a glass of wine most nights (and more on weekends since I was still a single girl in her 20s). I ate pizza most Friday nights (I LOVE pizza and being able to eat pizza while still losing weight — and I mean really eat, not like eat a salad then pick at one measly veggie-loaded slice, I mean like eat 3 slices of pepperoni — was a godsend). I lost 0.5-2.0 pounds consistently with only one or two weeks of gaining a pound or two. And then I kept the weight off for three years without really feeling deprived in any way (using their maintenance program). It was amazing. When I met my husband in 2009, I got sloppy about tracking and about eating (I was eating a lot more “boy” food like burgers and fries) and put back on about 10lbs. In 2011, I signed up for WW again since it had worked so well for me in the past. Well, all I did after following it to the letter was gain another 4 lbs. I went on some of their message boards to see what was up and people were saying things like “well, yes, fruit is ‘free’ but you should use common sense.” As another poster on that thread said “if using common sense in figuring out what to eat worked for me, I wouldn’t need to pay a company like WW to tell me what to eat!” Which is about how I feel. But I find the whole calorie thing to be way too confusing. I’m 5’9″ and online calculators typically tell me I can eat something like 2,400 cal./day (without only a little exercise) and maintain my weight. Um, no. If I ate that, I’d be a hippo. I’m just tired of religiously following a plan (like calculating calories) and then not having my weight budge. So I figured I’d give WW another shot. I’m skeptical, though, because when I put my food from yesterday (which exactly hit my daily points target) into the Livestrong app, it only came to 995 calories. I can tell you that 995 calories for anyone, and especially for tall girl like me, is not a healthy amount. But for now I’ll keep fidgeting with the system and see if I can figure out what works for me. (Btw, I don’t go to the meetings. I don’t see the point. I don’t have the time. And I just am not a meetings type of person. That’s what I loved about when I first did it in 2005 – pre-iPhones and mobile apps — was the online tracking.)
TBK
should be “with only a little exercise”
Taylor
I just love the community on this blog so much! Everyone is so friendly, encouraging, and helpful-no mean or hate comments. As a recent college grad, it is so inspiring (and incredibly useful) reading about all these successful women.
Fishie
I agree – I hated the whole no points for fruits and veggies bit. Those things have calories! Sometimes a substantial amount! Try Lose It – you can access it online and on most phones and it’s all free. Calorie counting, goal setting, the whole nutrient breakdown, being able to create recipes and favorite foods – it’s all there.
FP Angie
I know – I used it to lose 30 lbs pre-wedding back in ’06, but I guess I’m sort of over it now. Just looking to try something new. After 2 babies I’m looking to lose about 15 lbs.
Houston Attny
That was me – I just pay every month and had no idea there were free apps that do the same thing. What?! But Consumer Reports ranked MyFitnessPal very high, and I’ve also read MyNetDiary is good. Both are free and have apps. I opened a MyFitnessPal to compare to WW, and my first comment is they have every food known to humans in the database. Good luck!
meara
I tried the oft-recommended “Lose It” app, but found they didn’t have nearly as many already-entered foods as MyNetDiary, so I went back to using that. Um, when I remember to use one.
For calories burned, I’ve found my fitbit to be very helpful–I can see that some days I’m walking all over and it thinks I’ve burned 2300 calories…and other days closer to 1600, if I”m sitting all day.
MN Girl
I started using MyFitnessPal recently, and it’s been really easy to use. As Houston Attny mentioned, almost every food I eat is already in the database. For me, it also helps that my sister and best friend are using it too, so there’s a bit of social support/accountability to keep up with things.
Anon
Free WW alternatives are fitday dot com and myfitnesspal dot com.
Maddie Ross
Spark People is another good one for tracking, if you know your calorie range (or can figure it out). They don’t do points, but you do list all your food out and they keep a tally for you. very easy. And free.
ITDS
I love SparkPeople. WW assumes you want to lose 10% of your body weight in 12 weeks, and that’s what their progam is geared towards. With Spark People you can tell it how much you weigh, how much you want to weigh, how active you are, and how long you want to take to lose the weight, and it gives you a custom calorie range. I have been able to consistently lose 1/2 lb per week comfortably, while WW 2 lb per week was just too much.
CW
I love My Food Diary. It’s $9/mo (and as been for as long as I can remember). It’s calorie counting, but you can set how much you want to lose per week (max is around 2 lbs I think), it’s very easy to create your own recipes and set the portion size, it has a good database of food but you can always manually enter nutritional information, etc.
darby
that sounds exactly like my fitness pal, which is free. I’ve used my fitness pal to lose 30lbs & I’m a calorie counting person too — I find it a lot easier because it’s something I’ve thought about for years v. a point system that would be all new.
CW
It probably is very similar. I think I tried using my fitness pal and didn’t like the user interface, so I’ve stuck with My Food Diary.
viclawstudent
Lost 15 pounds with myfitnesspal, am now using it to maintain that weight, and have recommended it (with good results) to a bunch of other people. I have the app on my iPad and on my smartphone and love how many foods it has on it. I cannot believe it is free, for how awesome it is.
M-dash
I do a lot of cooking from online recipes that rarely have calorie or nutrition information, and I have found that Calorie Count has the best recipe input system. You can copy and paste the whole ingredient list in, while on other websites I had to input ingredients one by one. Its a crowd-sourced site too and its database is lacking a bit compared to Spark People, but the interface is much more convenient for the way I eat.
big dipper
I used WW successfully after graduating from college (lost about 25 pounds). I subsequently gained it back (blah, stress eating during law school). I tried going back last year, but I’ve switched to myfitnesspal. And I love it.
Myfitnesspal has a few features I am obsessed with:
– Barcode scan on the smartphone app, you can scan whatever it is your eating and it automatically adds it for you. Amazing.
– An easy to use recipe builder (I eat a few basic recipes)
– You can copy meals and fitness activities over
– Daily nutrition reports (you can figure out if you’re over/under carbs/fat/protein AND whether you’re getting the daily recommended vitamins)
– Set weight loss to your own pace
– Easy fitness tracking
I like counting calories over WW because honestly, I feel like counting calories gives you the most flexibility. Sometimes I want to eat foods with a low nutritional value and not have it consume my entire daily points allowance (not all the time, just occasionally). Ultimately, diet tools are about what works for you, your eating habits and your lifestyle.
eek
Related, I just downloaded the Moves app for iOS yesterday. It’s a free app. http://www.moves-app.com/
Using just your iPhone, it can track the number of steps you’ve taken per day, and where and when you’ve driven or cycled. It automatically determines whether you’re walking, sitting at work, or on transport.
eek
And I walked 5,418 steps today, and that was only when I had my phone. I also spent over 4 hours transporting myself – thank goodness it doesn’t track carbon fiber fooprint.
Trista
I like MyFitnessPal a lot for searching their database and the mobile app. I mostly use Bodybugg, which is an armband that measures your daily caloric burn through all kinds of scientific sensors, and then compares it to your calorie intake via the online tracking system to provide you with your calorie surplus/deficit. Sounds complicated, but it’s not. It actually is a whole lot more certain than using formulas to calculate your metabolic rate. I totally recommend it if you’re willing to invest in the system and $6.95/month subscription. I think when I got mine a year ago it was around $120 and came with a year’s subscription. The only downside is that their database needs more items in it. You can enter custom items, though, so once your typical favorites are in there, you’re good.
Anon for this
Have any of you ever had a house built for you? Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would have done differently if you could do it over again?
FP Angie
If you’re planning on staying there a long time, do all the upgrades you want/can afford. I think a lot of people say “I can do this myself for cheaper,” but it never gets done. Paint before you move all your stuff in – so much easier! We also had to landscape our backyard, not sure if that’s your case but factor in $$ for that.
We upgraded our floors and cabinets and were pretty happy. But the backyard cost more than we anticipated. Wished we would have upgraded kitchen counters from the basic builder tile.
anon2
Yes, many years ago. It was great experience because my builder had a documentation system that left little room for errors. We actually had to fill out reams of questions before we broke ground that were as seemingly inane as “where in the bathroom do you want the toilet paper holder?” or “On which side of the fireplace do you want the electrical outlet?” It saved lots of do-overs and costly change orders. When we were exploring different builders, this guy said “There will be more than a million separate pieces and decisions that go into your home. If you don’t trust the person building the house, don’t build the house.”
The best thing I did in the house? Raise the kitchen counters 3 inches because both my husband and I are tall. Sad I don’t live in that house anymore!
anon3
Yes, and I would absolutely do it again. After almost two years of looking, we never found a house that both of us fell in love with. Since we knew we wanted to be in our second home for 20 years or more, building made sense for us. The key is finding a builder your trust implicitly, though. Building is stressful enough because of the hundreds of decisions that need to be made and the pressure to meet the builder’s deadlines for all those decisions. The last thing you want is to be surprised by your builder and be surprised by extra costs or shoddy workmanship. I second anon3’s recommendation for finding a builder with an extensive online documentation system. It made things so much easier on everyone.
anon3
If you decide to build, check out the forums on That Home Site. Those posters seriously know their stuff. I hate to think of what a disaster my kitchen would’ve been without their advice on floor plans.
MJ
My parents built a few when I was a kid…long story. Anyway, for my “favorite” house, which I spent most of my childhood in, my family also raised the counters because my mom, at 5’7″ is the shortest in the family. We lived in SoCal and this turned out to be a turnoff to certain shorter buyers, but the family that bought loved it. The other things my parents did which were awesome: put in two dishwashers and two ovens in the kitchen–both very handy for entertaining; put in the “fake” fireplace logs and gas fireplaces that you just flip a swtich to turn on (this is more common on the West coast, where we have gas, than East Coast), put in several “nooks” in somewhat random walls which highlighted a few beloved (but inexpensive) art pieces, spoke with a landscape designer and built raised garden beds for vegetable gardening in the most-sun-appropriate portion of the house and variety-appropriate fruit trees; put window seats with built-in toy-box storage underneath to decrease clutter in the kids rooms; put in modular shelving in our garage to decrease clutter. I’ve also heard of soundproofing one room if you have a child that is very musical to allow for practice, which makes a lot of sense to me.
Hope some of these strike your fancy. My parents have since moved, but I still really miss all of the thoughtful touches of that house!
SunnyD
We also had two dishwashers in my house growing up and it was awesome (and we were only a family of four).
I am 5’9″ (long legs, short arms) and I put higher counters in my kitchen (two inches above standard) and have loved them. My mom is 5’7″ (shorter legs, longer arms) and thinks they’re too high.
Rural Lawyer
DH and I are attempting this this spring/summer, so I’m curious to see what others have to say about this! We started on the site prep and preliminary work last year, but haven’t actually started construction of the house yet. So far I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of decisions we’ve had to make already, and also a little disappointed to see items from my wishlist get crossed off as we realize they’re not feasible for our climate/floor plan/building site. One thing I was NOT prepared for was the amount of “helpful” input from parents, in-laws, coworkers, etc… this is probably specific to my situation, since we’re building down the road from my in-laws, but I could definitely do without the constant second-guessing of my choice in cabinets, layout, windows, and so on. That said, I know that the finished product will be beautiful when it’s all over–I just wish I could fast-forward to that point!
saacnmama
Stand your ground! The inlaws can come for dinner, but you will live there. No idea if your husband is like me, but if I had a husband, I’d really appreciate him encouraging me to go with my own decisions against my mother’s pressure.
InfoGeek
We bought a house that the builder had started on spec, but it was really just at the stem walls/foundation phase. So, we got to pick out basically everything.
The biggest things I wished I had caught/paid for:
* Our house is all exterior brick except for one small area. To me, it would have been worth it to pay for the brick there.
* Our interior doors are not paneled. They’re just plain flat MDF looking. I think paneled doors look a lot nicer.
* We got to choose all our light fixtures, but didn’t get offered choices on hardware (drawer/door pulls, door knobs, etc.). I think door levers are more functional than door knobs (although harder to child proof) and would have preferred door levers.
* One bathroom is partially carpeted. It would have been SO worth it to tile the whole thing.
* Our project now is replacing all carpet outside the bathrooms with laminate or hard wood. This is a pain once you live there….
* The brick mailbox has 2 side planting areas. I have never put anything there. It would look so much nicer without them.
* If you want/need a sprinkler system, it’s nice to put it in before the sod. :-)
* If you live in a ceiling fan area, go ahead and have the ceiling fans put in everywhere you might want them. They make a HUGE difference.
* In their current house, my parents had a closet adjusted to make sure there was room for a vacuum in it — it was all shelves and they had some removed or done at half depth. Think about the stuff you have and generally where it will go and make sure there’s a place.
* If I were designing something from the beginning, I’d want a drop-zone/mud room for things as you enter the house. We cause ourselves a lot of clutter.
* I live in tornado alley, so this may not apply to you. We had to add a storm shelter. I wouldn’t buy a house without one (or a safe room) now. Adjust for your weather risks.
If you’re going to pay for upgrades, consider whether you want the upgrades thrown into the mortgage or whether you have money to pay for them now. It’s cheaper in the long run to pay for them now rather than later.
ANP
I’ve never built a house, but my brother in law has built two. One thing they did in their second home was add insulation around bathrooms — apparently this isn’t standard procedure and it helps muffle noise. Kind of weird but it struck me as smart, especially for first-floor powder rooms that might be more public.
CountC
I wish more houses had this. It is so awkward to hear someone peeing while you are chit chatting in the kitchen. Or is that just me . . . ?
rosie
Not just you. If I were designing a house, I would not have the bathroom share a wall with the living room or dining room. The insulation is a better idea, though, and makes a lot of sense.
Lilly
Consider insulating room(s) that will have television and/or bedrooms and/or all interior walls. Add solid wood interior doors if feasible. My previous house had all interior walls insulated and all solid wood doors. It was a marvelously quiet house – both as to interior noise such as the television and also as to exterior noise such as traffic, barking dogs, wind, etc. I would take interior insulation and wooden doors over more square footage, if necessary to make my budget. If you are a light sleeper, I would consider trying to place bedrooms on leeward side off house, away from prevailing winds.
InfoGeek
As a follow-up to the ceiling fan recommendation, have 2 wall switches installed for any room with ceiling fans — one for lights and one for the fans. My daughter’s room only has one switch and she seems to always leave the light turned off at the fan (via the pull chain).
They make special outlets now that are wired for 2 3-prong plugs and a USB connector. It might be worth it to have those in certain areas where you think you might want to charge iPods, phones, cameras, etc.
If you have (or are planning to have kids), it might be worth it to put in the outlet plates that have the built-in safety — something like these: http://www.amazon.com/Mommys-Helper-Electrical-Outlet-Standard/dp/B00081J3OU
The plan for our house showed eyebrow shaped windows. I had all those changed to rectangular because I think eyebrow shaped windows are much harder to dress (and everything has to be custom).
Most people I know who work in construction want exterior walls framed with 2x6s (and then filled with insulation) instead of 2x4s so that there’s more insulation.
We don’t have 2 ovens or 2 dishwashers (and would have rarely used them). However, if we had room I might be tempted to have 2 washers or 2 dryers. We do have space in the utility room for clothes to drip dry.
Divaliscious11
This is helpful. I’d like to build our next house…
Anon for this
I really appreciate all the responses so far. Please keep them coming. Your tips are all really helpful. I hadn’t thought of making sure they insulate the bathrooms an putting in a sprinkler system. I will definitely do the 2 dishwashers if my budget will allow it. DH and I have a tear-down under contract right now and are conducting the feasibility study. We’ve spoken with a lot of builders and have chosen one that we think we will go with. Right now we are debating whether to go with a floor plan that this builder has used before or hire an architect to come up with something else. The builder’s floor plan is missing the mud room and probably does not take best advantage of this particular lot because the lot is a wierd shape and sloped.
MiddleCoast
Did not build a house, but did an addition which doubled the size of our house.
Put extra outlets near your entertainment areas. Also, your home office area. Think of how you will be using your outdoor areas and put appropriate electric outlets, water spigots, gas pipes, etc. outside, e.g., patio, outdoor kitchen, front yard for Xmas lights, etc. Put lights on both sides of your outside doors, standard is usually just one side.
Look closely at door/window placement in rooms from a how the will furniture fit standpoint. The older side of our house has windows smack dab in the center of wall, hard to arrange the furniture around.
If you have a basement, try to have a straight shot from the stairs to an outside door. Makes life much easier to get things in/out, up/down. Actually, same holds true for stairs to a second floor, turns are horrid to manuever furniture through so make sure they are spacious.
Think of traffic patterns in your house and have appropriate flooring; e.g., stone or tile in entryways where snow/water tracks in. Tile in laundry area.
Definitely have a mud room. Put a large laundry sink in the laundry room, its amazing how much you will use that sink.
If you hire an architect ask to see some of their constructed houses to see if you are on the same page.
If you are in a northern climate, wait a winter before landscaping, pouring patios, etc. as the ground will sink. You have a teardown, make sure you and the builder discuss any trees/landscaping which you want to keep. Also ask how they plan on stablizing the slope while building (if its a steep slope). If there are perennials you want to keep, move them to a safe spot in the yard (this will save you money in the long run as you can divide them up and move them back once the house is done).
Mpls
Consider the orientation of the house to the sun as well. Caveat – this advice is based on experience living in the northern US. Will the western setting sun be in your eyes when you’re washing dishes in the kitchen? Do you want the eastern sun to wake you up in the morning – put the bedrooms on the eastern side of the house. Do you have nice south facing windows to help with passive heating in the winter – they’re really nice spot for taking naps. The northern side of the house won’t have much sun and will have harsher winds so you can minimize the number of windows.
Boston 1L
Along with the sun, different orientations and positions of trees, etc. may affect your utilities (as well as convenience). For example, if there are many trees, it creates a lot of shade and so you have to worry about cooling the house less. However, if it is a balance between this and the ideal sun orientation or an awkward entry form the street, it probably is not as large of a deal as those would be on a daily basis. (I apologize if that is unclear at all.)
afl73
Be careful about insulating some interior walls – it can really screw up the heating/cooling system – we did that on a room we redid and that room was always about 6 degrees hotter than any other room in the house.
Boston 1L
Where are you looking to build? I might (as well as others on here) have suggestions for contractors or good places to get items or similar things that vary by area.
Another thing to consider is whether you want to do stick built or modular. Modular sounds like trailer-home to some people, but it actually results in tighter homes which are greener, cheaper to operate, and require less maintenance down the road – overall, they are usually (depending on area) a better deal (though not always). If you use the right company, you can alter them in almost any way you want. (Not to sound like an ad – my father is a contractor and I’ve worked with his company a bit.)
Finally, you should try going to Home Shows in your area. They usually are free or have a cheap entry fee, and there are some great ideas (and deals) at them.
ss
More tips
: In-floor plug-points for lamps and charge-able devices if you don’t want power cords snaking across rooms. And agree with everyone who’s mentioned extra outlets.
: Outlets for garden lighting – you may not have a clear idea of how you might want to light your garden when it’s mature but can provide for properly water-proofed outlets outside the house
: Knee-level taps in every bathroom for filling buckets/ mopping and ideally with the flexibility to attach a hose with nozzle for cleaning the bathroom surfaces
: Photos of all wiring, plumbing, in-floor heating etc before the final surfaces go on – really excellent to have if you need to contemplate repairs or refurbishment in future
: Also agree on the ceiling fans if they fit your climate – their presence makes the difference between whether you’ve got a comfy nook for reading, doing homework etc vs. unusable dead space
: If you have AC units with external parts, make sure they are readily accessible for cleaning and repairs
: Attic/ basement/ large store room if you have the room for it – great to be able to put away unused stuff including the odd bit of furniture
: Built-in storage – this is now very well-covered in a bunch of organisation books/ blogs but some things to think about would be where do kids’ toys, cleaning aids, big kitchen appliances, bills and home-related paperwork go ?
We’ve done extensive work on 2 different homes – a cantilevered 60s house in a hillside suburb and a traditional wooden structure in a village, effectively tearing down to the shell and rebuilding for modern wiring, plumbing etc. For the first, our big bugbear has been the exposed brickwork – it was original to the house and had seemed sound, so no work was done initially, but we’ve since had issues with water seepage in heavy rain and 2 rounds of work to supplement the original mortar and to coat the brick in water-proofing sealant (expensive and dangerous because of the cantilevered location). Basically, it was a mistake to assume that older brick-laying would hold up to modern standards.
For both projects though, we used a designer who also doubled as the project manager (architect not required since we kept the original structures) and this really worked for us. Our designer provided a tonne of useful input on design (all the stuff about taps, outlets, photos are from her and she was supervising details down to which direction doors should open for maximum user-friendliness) and on sourcing stuff, and it made a big difference to have a project manager who was independent of the builder and who looked after our interests in the matters of quality, billing etc on top of the more specific project-management functions.
Bunkster
All the houses I ever lived in growing up were ones my parents had built. Their current house is the nicest. And their kitchen is absolutely beautiful. They built an “upside down” house so the kitchen, dining room, etc take advantage of the gorgeous views of Buzzards Bay on the Cape. They also put in unique touches like a custom designed stained glass window.
Divaliscious11
That sounds amazing…….
Michelle
a walk in shower with a hand-held hose in the mud room for dog washing… As a dog person I loved it.
Life change
After five years at BigLaw, I had a little one, and am considering staying at home for a few years. Honestly, I never thought I could be a stay-at-home mom, but now I sort of ache to do it. I miss my little guy so much while I’m at work, and even just for logistical reasons, loved my maternity leave. I loved that our house ran smoothly (no scrambling to get a million errands done on the weekend, etc.), all while spending awesome time with my son and my husband.
My husband and I are now putting the financial pieces together so that I can stay home for a few years. But, of course being the totally risk-adverse atty, I’m now panicked at the idea. I constantly worry about whether being a stay-at-home mom to a toddler will be pure misery, even if I really enjoyed the baby-phase. Also, I worry I’ll struggle with the title change – I do have pride for my job and all of my friends are working moms in BigLaw. And, of course, will the “break” be a dealbreaker for getting back into the practice in a few years?
Anyway, long winded way of asking whether anyone has thoughts regarding a total shift from a busy job to a SAHM.
OP
How old is your child now? We have a toddler and I feel like keeping him entertained on weekends is a full time job. He’s increasingly self-sufficient, but not the type where I can clean the house and and run a bunch of errands while he happily self-amuses. So we are still limited to naps/evenings/ living with a little dirt. My SAHM friends have also expressed similar feelings that there aren’t enough hours in the day for child-raising and smooth house running.
I will say that I am happier in my regional firm with a toddler than I was in BigLaw with an infant.
Life change
6 months right now. I am loving this stage – and am having serious guilt about missing so many moments – but yeah, I’m a little afraid of being a full-time mom to a toddler.
mascot
Something that helped us with the feeling that we were missing milestones was treating the first time we saw the milestone as the first time that our child did it. Our daycare provider was very good about not spoiling the surprise and letting us have the glory of the moment. It’s a mind trick to be sure, but it made a big difference in the guilt.
Research, Not Law
I do the same. I also remind myself that SAH doesn’t mean that you will catch all the firsts, either.
FWIW, I think toddlers are way more fun than babies.
Anon
Way more fun!
Anonymous
I was a SAHM for three years (infants and toddlers) and — like any other job — its what you make of it.
Make an effort to get out of the house, sign up for mommy and me stuff, and to meet people. People who say “I was so bored as a SAHM” probably didn’t make much effort to make themselves not bored, IMHO. Many gyms have babysitting, so look into that if exercise is your thing — it’s ok to have an hour or two to yourself every day.
Life change
Ultimately, are you glad you stayed at home?
Anonymous
Yes, totally. It’s a very personal decision, and I do not judge anyone because of their working/SAHM status. For me, it was the right thing to do, at the right time. I have to admit, though, there was a big adjustment period.
Life change
Glad to hear it, and I appreciate the insight. I agree – it’s a completely personal decision – and I’ve seen people do the working parent thing poorly and the stay at home parent thing poorly. I’m worried my fear of the unknown will keep me from doing something that strays from the norm of my current colleagues/close friends.
Ellen
I think I want to DO this ALSO, but I FIRST must find a BOYFREIND, and then have him MARRY me and then we have to have a BABY b/f I can be a SAHM! Yay!
My father said that time is runing short for me so I HAVE to loose weight in my tuchus to get a guy to marry me. Myrna is helpeing me by walking the 2.5 miles down town with me in the morning b/f takeing to subway some more, but she is NOT stoppeing by to pick me up which mean’s I have to walk all alone back UPTOWN at nite. It is LUCKY that BLOOMIE’s is about 1/2 way so I stop and get FROZEN Yogury at 40 Karrot’s and then do the last mile or so up 3rd Avenue b/c Lex is to busy for me and there is NOT alot of room on the sidewalk. Also b/c there is a SUBWAY there, alot of smelly people lay around askeing for MONEY on Lex.
So I am about READY to leave now and will NOT go home until tomorow morning b/c Myrna is having 2 guy’s over to her place–one mabye for me. I hope he is the one, b/c I need to be a stay at home Mom! YAY! (But I won’t tell him that right away–he probabley want’s me to be a judge or go in house if I decide NOT to be a partner!) YAY!
Vinnie
Ellen, if you would tell me where you are, I would meet you and you could consider me as boyfriend / husband material. It does not matter if your dad has money–you sound like a very intelligent attorney and that is what I am. I think that together, we can make some beautiful children, and if not successful at first, we can have one heck of a time trying!
ANP
Very personal decision! I can’t weigh in on what it’s like to be a SAHM, but I do work four days per week so that I get one day to hang with my kiddo. I imagine it would be harder to define work/life balance in biglaw, but for me having a flexible, 80% time job has been the perfect mix. However, I never ached to stay at home with my child, either — I know for a fact that I need to work in order to stay sane. It’s as though I like/appreciate my kid more when I get some time away from her.
In a perfect world I’d have a truly part-time 3-day-per-week job, but that’s not in the cards for us financially or geographically right now and I love what I do so I’m OK with that. Just wondering if you can dial back to TRUE part time to test the waters for six months if you’re worried about committing whole-hog to being stay at home. Good luck!
Anne Shirley
I think there are lots of great inspiring examples of women who re-enter the legal profession and do well. But all of the actual data I’ve seen says it’s really hard, you’ll be years behind in psy, and your career will not look the same. All of which might be completely worth it, but I think a solid assessment has to look at the worst outcomes and the best.
saacnmama
Reentry is awful. My mentor told me to be careful because he’s seen many people lose their “edge”. I’m not sure if I have or not, because my concentration just isn’t what it was–trying to build that back up! I used to have that awesome ADD hyperfocus.
Research, Not Law
Re-entry is the hardest. I can’t speak to law specifically, but I can’t imagine any professional career that allows someone to leave for 5 years and pick right back up where they left off. I personally will likely never be SAH just for that reason. If you can do part-time, it would be ideal. It keeps you active and ready to move back to full-time if/when you desire, but gives you much more home time with kiddo. It’s also, I imagine, a nice way to have both worlds.
A coworker friend is deliberating going SAH right now. I can tell she’s sensitive about it because she fears being judged by her working mother peers. I can assure you that I, at least, do not.
Research, Not Law
If you bank with a community bank or credit union, do you feel like you get better service and better products than at a large bank?
I’m reeling from an annoyance that may be what pushes me out of our major bank. I’m not sure there’s a reason to stay, but I don’t need to rock the boat if there’s no reason to go. We like the convenience of ATM deposits (which a smaller bank/cu may offer), but travel very little any more (none internationally). We mainly just need a savings account and two checking accounts with debit cards. We have two community banks and at least one credit union available.
NOLA
I don’t know where you live, but I had my accounts at a local bank pre-Katrina and it took a little while for them, after the hurricane, to resettle their offices in another part of the state. That local bank was bought out by Capital One so now, if I had to be out of the city, I wouldn’t be at all concerned about my location. Of course, online banking helps (we didn’t have it then) but we weren’t sure what to do at all when we first got re-settled in PA. Just my two cents and you may not be anywhere where natural disasters are possible.
Research, Not Law
That’s an excellent point, but I fortunately don’t think it’s a necessary consideration for us.
Jennifer
I switched from Wells fargo to PNC, and never looked back. The hours were better (Sundays! til 7pm! times other than when I was at work!), I get ATM fee refunds, no monthly fees, and a vaiety of online tools that make saving easier (such as a “Reserve” account where you can put money you are saving for a big purchase and track progress). If a smaller local/regional bank has features, no matter how small, that make your life easier, it’s worth it. If you are putting up with a string of minor annoyances just because it seems easier than switching, it isn’t a huge deal to switch, and was absolutely worth it to me. You might end up with new annoyances (PNCs website doesn’t always function flawlessly), but without the years of built up frustration. YMMV
Kanye East
Yeah, Wells Fargo is the actual worst.
And credit unions tend to have lower fees, generally.
Research, Not Law
I’d be moving from WF! It would be the second time, actually. I switched once and ended up coming back to do reasons completely unrelated to preference for their service and products.
Mary Jo
WellsFargo is one of the largest investors in private prisons in the country. They want to put all of us in prison.
Anon8
I’ve been with a credit union for about 15 years. I love it. We have our checking account, main credit card and savings account through the credit union. We’ve also financed our vehicle loans through the saame place.
Ours offers online banking, online bill pay and they have a mobile app. There is a branch about 5 minutes from my house, but even if there wasn’t they process check deposits via mail.
For the times I’ve traveled internationally, I just call and they update my account. I’ve never had any problems.
The only downside is that they are not staffed 24/7, so I have to talk to someone during the weekday. However, they do have 24/7 service for lost/stolen credit cards.
Wildkitten
I love my credit union because any time I need something I talk to an actual person who treats me like an actual person.
NYNY
We switched from a big international bank to a community bank, and I love it. The fees at the old bank kept increasing, and our interest rate dropped at a similar pace. The new one is in our neighborhood, has better interest rates and good customer service. Totally worth it!
Meg Murry
I’ve been with my local bank since I was a kid, and I used large national banks when I lived in other parts of the country. I can only speak for my particular regional bank, so you will have to see if yours is the same.
Regional bank pros: When you want to get a mortgage, loan, set up a new account, etc, there are usually only 1-2 people per bank that do that, so you always get the same person and tend to get quick service. My regional bank has a “where everyone knows your name” attitude, which is very nice, and once you have a personal relationship with people at the bank, they will go out of their way to be helpful and get things done quickly. Our bank is also very conservative on loans, which gives me confidence that they will not be folding due to risky loans (example: when looking for a mortgage in 2007, they offered my husband and I 30,000 less than other lenders. Personally, this is a pro for me, as what they offered us was what we had budgeted we could actually afford, as opposed to other lenders which threw so much money at us and encouraged us to buy a house that would have stretched our budget to have 0 wiggle room for disaster). Also, their “free” checking really is free, not “free as long as you meet criteria a, b, c, d, and e” like I encountered with some big banks.
Regional bank cons: My regional banks “new and improved” online banking that was rolled out this year is still way behind what BoA, Wells Fargo and Fleet/Bank Boston/EveryOtherNameTheyHadInTheMergers were offering 10-15 years ago. The regional’s online system wasn’t compatible with Quicken/Mint/etc for a few years, and often when they do an “upgrade” something breaks with their Quicken/Mint conduits and I have to go back to manual CSV exports. Although ATMs are plentiful near my house, if I travel outside my county I will pay at ATM surcharge to use someone else’s ATM. Also on the fiscal conservative loans, they would not give us a loan to buy a rental property – they only do loans for primary residences – pro for being fiscally conservative, but con for us personally since we had to get another bank to do our rental property loan.
My husband and I believe in hedging risk, so we actually have our primary accounts at 2 regional banks, and then a secondary account at a national bank, which works for us.
nice cube
i need help finding an apartment to rent in DC. ive been looking on craigslist, but i havent found much. should i talk to an agent? how does that work? are there other sources?
i am looking for a 2 bedroom within 2700$ in NW and it seems impossible
Jennifer
The budget is low, depending on where in NW you are looking. I would try Padmapper, it uses craiglist listings but has better filters and shows apartments as pins on a map, so you can get a better sense of where apartments are in relation to Metro/etc.
Em
I don’t have suggestions for agents, but two bedrooms under that price range aren’t uncommon in Columbia Heights. You can also find them in “swankier” parts of NW if you’re willing to live in a basement.
rosie
If you are open to Silver Spring (5-minute walk from the Metro), I know of someone in a 2-br/2.5-ba townhouse-style apartment in that price range. Post an email address if you’re interested, and I’ll email you more details.
rosie
Sorry, not sure if the details on that are obvious. This person is looking for someone to take over her lease, and you’d have the option to renew.
TBK
I’m not sure agents are really a thing in the DC rental market. I never knew anyone who used one. I frankly found my DC apartments on apartments dot com. Also, are you set on DC? Just over the river in Crystal City are TONS of very reasonable apartments. The commute into DC can be shorter (depending on where you live/work) and the taxes are waaaay lower (plus you don’t have to deal with DC government — believe me, no DMV is as bad as the DC DMV. They are evil.)
nice cube
thanks, everyone!
i think i am set on living in DC… i used to live there and have recently lived in arlington for the past 3 years. and while i have come to love certain aspects of arlington, it feels like something is missing here. i miss the riff raff of the city.
Em
Then I definitely recommend Columbia Heights – if you’re not set on a fancy building with amenities, you can get a 2-bedroom while within your price range.
Jennifer
If riff raff is what you’re after, there are a ton of new apartment buildings in NOMA/H st area that have crazy deals while they try to fill up the buildings. Really nice apartments, somewhat questionable (but rapidly changing) streets; but still not NW.
The hunt sucks, but I’m sure it’s possible to find something that meets all your criteria.
CT
Second! I just moved to a new building on New York Ave, and it’s been pretty nice so far. It does feel a bit … in transition. I like it a lot though. There are two new grocery stores around, and lots of restaurants opening up, and lots of transportation around. I don’t know about the cost of the 2BRs, but the 1BRs seem pretty reasonable (high for what I’d like to pay, but good for being so close to transit).
Divaliscious11
What is this “riff raff” you miss?
anon
I love apartment hunting. Here is one in van ness- the archstone consulate
http://www.archstoneapartments.com/Apartments/District_of_Columbia/Washington_DC_Area/The_Consulate/
What is your preferred neighborhood?
anon
adams morgan one https://www.padmapper.com/show.php?type=0&id=137361315&src=main
anon
this building is gorgeous- they have a 2 bedroom for 2,732 and you get 2 months free. Its not technically nw but it is right near union station
anon
archstonenoma.com
anon
https://www.padmapper.com/show.php?type=0&id=137911570&src=main
Anonymous
I haven’t been at this particular one, but I’ve lived in 2 different Archstone complexes and had great experiences with both.
Bonnie
I’ve seen rentals in your price range in Columbia Heights/Petworth.
Ella
handle = mindy project reference?
nice cube
yes! nice catch!
hellskitchen
one of my favorite shows right now!
MJ
Cosign. Fricking love that show. She is so witty.
kerrycontrary
Try Quebec house is cleveland park, their prices look reasonable. I live in DC metro area and craigslist has been my best bet, but a lot of people just find places via word of mouth. Also, people who individually rent out their condo usually go through a realtor, so go to a long and foster agent in DC. I’m not sure what costs are for that, but this could be worth it.
L
Petworth – the apts right over the metro. There was a 1 bd with den when we were looking that was 2200 and it was GORGEOUS. Fun area
Htmella
I am using an agent currently, he is someone I used to work with a while back, and it just helps me to have one to get a wider glimpse of what is open. Ted Smith – http://www.tedsmithsellsdc.com. Lots of energy, and although he mostly does real estate buyers, he can point you in the right direction.
Good luck with your search! I am in the middle of mine and cannot wait to just move, cut my commute down an hour, drink a glass of wine, and be back in the city. Win, win, win, win.
Alleyne
I would recommend looking up the real estate / property management companies for apartments you’re interested in (Bernstein, Chatel, and WC Smith usually have lots in NW) and working backwards—call them up or go to their website, and see what else they have. I’ve had great luck contacting a place about an apartment, then saying “what else do you have in X price range in X neighborhoods?” You’re more likely to end up with a one-on-one tour instead of a free-for-all open house via Craigslist. Good luck!
Chini
House hunting is a lot like job hunting in that the best options are never advertised. You have to network and find places by word of mouth. I used a real estate agent to find my last two rentals in DC, and I used a property manager to find renters for my condo. Much, much more effective than wading through the spam on Craigslist. The landlord pays the realtor’s commission, usually around $500 or some equivalent percentage of a month’s rent. If you want to search listings yourself, check out homesdatabase dot com — there’s an option to search for residential rentals.
Another strategy is to look for sale listings for homes that have been on the market for a couple of months — often, the owners are anxious to avoid carrying the full costs of two households and are willing to negotiate renting. Avoid corporate apartments…the rent will ALWAYS skyrocket in the second or third years. Most private owners won’t raise the rent on a good tenant, because good, long-term tenants are SO hard to find.
Tuesday
Ladies, I’m looking for any renovation tips you can offer. DH and I want to have our kitchen and our (only) bathroom re-done this year. Neither of us has ever been through a renovation, so we don’t know what to expect, how to plan, etc. We do have a line on a good contractor. Do we need a designer too? Both rooms are small (it’s an NYC apartment), so the existing layouts will stay. I’m worried that there are key questions I won’t know to ask.
Thanks for any help you can offer.
Anonymous
Plan everything out. Changing anything costs money. Plan plan plan. Did I say plan? Plan some more. Get lots of samples.
Take your budget, double it just in case. Don’t tell the contractor about your $$$ cushion. Once you open up the walls, you don’t know what you will find — creative wiring, mold, rusted pipes, etc. Those all cost time and money to fix, as well as take time for different trades to be scheduled, inspections, etc.
Its not that your contractor is trying to charge you tons, its that he doesn’t know what is behind your walls either.
Pick a contractor that you get along with and like — its truly a gut feeling, like hiring a nanny. You’ll be seeing a lot of this person, and he’ll be sending you some very large bills. Make sure you can discuss things civilly with this person.
Anonymous
I just noticed — your only bathroom? You must move out for the duration of the reno. I know, everyone thinks they can get by, running to Starbucks and relying on the goodwill of neighbors.
You can’t.
Plan on a bathroom reno taking at least a month. Everything takes 2x as long as you think it will, and there will be delays. Your reno will be scheduled in and around someone else’s project — that’s the nature of the business. Your tile guy will set your tiles for 3 days, then you wait for it to dry. During the drying time, he works on someone else’s project. When that project is done — which may or may not be on your schedule — he’ll come back to grout your bathroom. Someone else’s delays become your delays.
You can live without a kitchen, you can’t live without a toilet. BTDT. (Also, the health department won’t let you.)
Rala
Second this! We did our only bathroom last year – naively thought we’d be out of the house for a week. More like 5! Be clear on what you are responsible for and what your contractor is responsible for. Ours expected us to buy all the materials and fixtures ourselves, which was good because we got exactly what we wanted, but bad because we didn’t take into consideration some things that a contractor would know…for example we needed special tile for the edges of the shower, we got a bathtub that was too narrow for our space, etc.
I think you can get by without a designer if layouts are staying the same. You can get a ton of good, free advice at places like The Tile Shop and specialty cabinet stores if you find the right salesperson. DH and I know nothing about design and we plucked our bathroom straight from a catalog – it turned out great!
ExcelNinja
+1. We found some crazy stuff behind the walls and under the floor, including that the bathtub that was balanced on a sheet of rotting/rotted plywood over a huge hole…no idea how it hadn’t fallen through. I never believed that renovations would take 5x as long and cost 2x as much but it is true, true, true.
Anon8
We had some minor work done in our bathroom. There were problems with the tile in the shower stall and the walls were getting residue from moisture buildup. I can comment on some of the minor things
1. Get a paint that is made for bathrooms/kitchens. Ours is easy to wipe off. If there is moisture on the walls above the shower, my husband will wipe it off with a towel.
2. Get a good exhaust fan. That will greatly keep the moisture/condensation down while the shower is running.
3. Make sure the tile is sealed/caulked correctly to prevent any leakage. You may want to check with your contractor to make sure they are experienced in tile work (if that’s relevant to your bathroom set up).
Green
Going through this right now. I’m a total newbie at this, but here are some things that helped me:
– Spent some time really thinking about what the goal is (to make it look nice? or to remodel so you can sell easier?). Decided how many years we expected to live in the current place.
– Spent a lot of time up front looking at pictures online / pinterest to have an idea of what we liked
– Brought a realtor friend to give an assessment of how much we should put in to make sure we got our money back (or close to it). The space is small, so this helped a lot, because there’s a certain point after which you won’t get your money back.
– Made a wish list (new flooring, change countertops, etc) and brought 3 different contractors to give quotes. They came from friends’ recs and from Angie’s List.
-Made a spreadsheet outlining budget and all expected expenses from labor, to materials to bathroom hardware and other small things.
– Asked lots of questions. At first I felt silly asking the contractor 100 questions, but I prefer to ask too many questions now than not like a choice he made later.
– Worked out a written agreement with the contractor. This ruffled some feathers because an attorney’s idea of an agreement/ contract and a contractor’s idea is not the same. But we got things on paper.
We keep reminding ourselves that this is not our dream house, so not everything has to be top of the line. It’s helped a lot to continually update the budget spreadsheet because stuff adds up FAST so trade offs have to be made.
We did bring in a designer for a couple of consultation because I was worried we had no clue what we were doing. It was sort of a bust because we weren’t clear on what exactly she was supposed to do, and we hadn’t set aside a lot of funds for her servics. She did suggest paint colors for throughout the house, and that was helpful because I have zero design skills.
We start the actual work next week – ask me how it went in a month!
darby
I highly recommend using a kitchen designer — it’s a minimal cost (typically) compared to the overall cost of a renovation & I found it invaluable in exploring the different options that you have with your space. Mine came up with the plans for the contractor too so there weren’t any screw ups.
a.k.
We did a complete reno of our only full bath (we had a half-bath and showered at the gym). It took just under 3 weeks, and that included every single thing, including re-framing the floor below it, redoing the walls and re-plumbing.
The best thing we did was have everything on-site before the reno started or scheduled to arrive within the first week while they were doing the structural work. We did have one hiccup (incorrect piece ordered, but detected early and only cost us a day).
Tuesday
Thank you all!
Research, Not Law
How does Boden fit? I like their clothes, but I always worry that they are cut to fit up and down straight figures and won’t work for my very curvy figure. As reference, AT fits me well (particularly their curvy/Julie fits) and JCrew is hit or miss (a definite no on pants, but I’m mostly interested in tops and dresses).
long time lurker
I buy my jcrew size in boden tops and tunics, and am fairly generous of bust. Dresses are a little hit or miss. I have a couple I love, but I have also returned a few for being rather shapeless.
Kanye East
Big in the bust, big in the waist, narrow in the hips, in my experience.
I’ve returned almost everything I’ve bought from Boden.
CW
Totally agree about the hips.
Cb
Agreed, such strange proportions. I keep buying things from there and always end up sending them back. I do like Pure however which is also made by Boden.
EmilyD
Agreed — and also agreed about Pure, which fits my pear-shaped body pretty well and seems true to size.
Bonnie
Ditto. And the waists on their dresses always end up being too high for me.
Kanye East
YES! I nearly forgot about this. The waists are strangely high, without being empire waists.
Boden: you have curious ideas about the bodies of USian women. Have you met any?
rosie
“strangely high, without being empire waists”
Exactly my experience with their dresses.
Parker - Boardroom Belles
You just gave me a big lightbulb moment. My big grievance w finding the right clothes for my very pronounced hourglass figure (tiny waist compared to a pair of swimmer shoulders) has always been that I have to take most things taken in that fit me in the shoulder and with Boden that’s NEVER been a problem. Best fitting dress of my life comes from them, I just never really thought about why what was, so thanks for pointing it out.
Lady Harriet
I have three Boden dresses and one skirt, all hand-me-downs. The friend I got them from said they run about a size large, and I would say that’s accurate, especially for the dresses. I’m 5’4″, usually a size 12/14 and a 32FF with an apple or high-hip hourglass shape if that helps. I just had to retire one of the dresses because it was way too big (size 14, but fit more like a large 16) and the other two are doable, but work better belted. The skirt fits fine, but usually skirts are the easiest garment for me to fit into.
MJ
Agree they run large. I am rarely the size below my normal size, but at Boden, I am. Also agree with the generous of bust/waist, tighter in hips description. I buy things there, but find I am in-between sizes a lot, and sometimes, if their stuff is on sale, will pay to have the bust taken in or waist nipped, bc next size up is too big. I would size down. They have very accurate measurements for each garment if you click throught the item description too. This helps a lot.
Research, Not Law
This is helpful. Keep it coming.
I’m a 5’1″ 32E with narrow shoulders, wide hips, and what can best be described as a small waist with baby pouch? Sounds like tops may work but dresses may not fit in the hips. Good to know they run large as I would have assumed the opposite.
jcb
Even the tops may not work. I am more hourglassy (36-27-37) and the tops are almost unerringly tight in the bust and slightly too low cut for work, untailored/baggy at the waist, and TIGHT across the bottom of the shirt at the hips. That is just not a flattering shape. I love their quality and fabrics, but I have had to completely ban myself from future Boden purchases. I just went through my closet recently, and a huge percentage of items I got rid of were from there.
CW
And, I also think that there’s something strange with their returns. Don’t they just give you store credit? I feel like that’s been my general experience with them, so after I ran through the store credit I just stopped buying from them. And I am down to maybe 1 remaining Boden item after purging my closet.
oil in houston
no, they give you your money bakc.
on the sizing – pay attention to each measurements for each piece of clothing, they all differ! I always check, and never had an issue (but it can sometimes be really odd!)
LR
I’ve only returned one thing but my credit card was refunded. This was within the last 6 months.
MJ
My return process with them has always been breezy and the credit my card fast. Boden is kind of like my fantasy catalog. I devour it when it comes, and then whittle down to a few choices and they come and I usually only like one thing. The rest fits, as many folks have said, too tight or too loose in weird places. Many of their items are “tunic-y” or really long (I am short of waist, long of limb).
SoCal Gator
Sorry, but I think Boden runs small on the top. I usually order a size up from my normal J Cr*w or Banana or AT size. Otherwise the shoulders are too narrow. On the bottom I would say they are true to size. Also, check the review comments. Their garments really differ and some tops are larger than others. I try to see the consensus of the reviewers and then decide on a size.
Jo March
Mom update:
Things have been stabilizing but still quite difficult. It’s really hard for her to accept that she is losing so much independence, and I guess I have been maybe going about things the wrong way by pushing her so hard to make so many changes at once. She had two major meltdowns, screaming at me and my aunt about how we don’t understand, are trying to ruin her life, etcetc. I guess she is right that we don’t understand, but we are certainly not trying to ruin her life…but we have all talked now and things seem better. The flaky aunt is at least kind of stepping up and not just sending me emails telling me I’m not doing enough, and the other aunt is now in remission from her cancer and will soon be able to actually pitch in with practical help again. This second aunt has also been there for my mom to talk to, which apparently has been very helpful for her.
It seems she is now, after going back and forth for a while, actually considering assisted living. She is going to do some research this weekend and then make calls to set up visits starting next week.
Legally: the condo company’s lawyer’s sent us a letter essentialy saying that if their insurance goes up, they will charge her for it and put a lien on her unit if necessary. Our reading between the lines of this is “Get out ASAP and maybe we won’t come after you for any money.” This has actually been somewhat of a blessing in disguise as it is forcing her to deal with where she should live, and that it is more efficient to have her move into a retirement facility than to keep paying for lots of private care that includes strangers in her house too many days a week.
I don’t know; I am pretty high-strung sometimes and it is possible that I overreact to many little things, but moms sure know how to push your buttons, right? In any case, today feels like the best day in a while, she apologized for the screaming fits, acknowledged that they were inappropraite, and made an extra appointment with her psychiatrist to talk about how stressed and helpless she is feeling. He is prescribing her a low dose of Ativan to help with the anger/antsiness/anxiety, which is really a relief to everyone involved!
I want to thank all you ladies who have been there for me, and sent me emails and care packages and love and support from all over the world! It is so heartening! And in lots of ways, this whole thing has given me some more faith in humanity – everyone who I have overshared with at work (lol, that happens to me when I am exhausted and emotionally vulnerable :p) has been so great.
I think that’s about it….Hopefully things keep going well and I can focus on the fact that it is T MINUS 29 DAYS TO CUBA. Given what the weather has been like in Winnipeg lately, and that Professor Bhaer has never been anywhere tropical before, AND we have a sweet apartment rented in Havana with an awesome terrace, WE ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!!
Cb
So glad to hear things are slowly stabilizing, and Cuba sounds amazing. A very well deserved break!
AMB
So glad the aunts are pitching in! And I do hope you can use the letter from the condo corp to convince her to move. I never got any more recommendations out of my Tdot contacts but am continuing to keep an ear to the ground.
Saacnmama
Sounds like things will be lined up pretty well so you can take your mind off this for your trip. That’s great!
Austin
Anyone been to the Austin Bar Foundation Gala? What did you wear? I’m planning to wear a long dress, but I’d hate to be the only one in a long dress. In most cities I wouldn’t hesitate, but since Austin is pretty causal I thought I’d check here. Thanks!
hiding
I need some advice… I have a phone interview Monday and I’m not sure what to say about how I address the job I just lost.
I asked Ask-a-Manager too but I’m trying to cover my bases. I don’t want to say I resigned because I would have done it without a job lined up, but my former boss said I could say that. I also don’t know if I was laid off or fired so I’m not sure about what to say for that idea..
Any thoughts on the best way to spin this?
I’ve been working through scenarios to prep and I still don’t think I have a good answer.. My career service center told me it wasn’t their problem and I could try back in February when I called so that doesn’t seem to be a helpful course of action. Thanks!
MB
If your old job said that you could say you resigned, I might say that. I might say something about how it wasn’t a great fit for you because of x,y, and z and you wanted something closer to [current position] so you left. The interviewer has no idea that you aren’t the beneficiary of a very large trust fund allowing you to resign before something else was lined up.
MB
Sorry, I typed that in a hurry and it doesn’t make much sense. By “current position,” I meant position you are interviewing for. You could make it seem like the old job had no opportunity for advancement or transition into what you wanted to do, so after some careful consideration and discussion, you decided to leave.
ABC
I agree. I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing to a future employer that you resigned from an old job with nothing lined up. Just say it wasn’t a good fit and that you wanted to focus all your energy on finding the “right” situation. If there is a gap between when you left your old job and now, you can always say you traveled for a bit.
momentsofabsurdity
If they ask why you aren’t at X company anymore, I think you can just say, “It wasn’t a great fit for me.” I think that doesn’t imply anything, really. Obviously if they press and ask if you were fired/laid off or resigned, you have to tell them the truth (but if your former boss said, just say you resigned, then I’d say that).
GirlMeetsWorld
I think it’s important to rehearse your answer out loud until you deliver it with sincerity. Keep it brief, positive, and somewhat vague. Do not speak negatively about your former employer and do not ramble. Even if your interviewer asks you about why you left, they are unlikely to continue to ask probing questions because it’s uncomfortable and because you have other positive qualities that they want to get into. I would say that you were let go or that you resigned, that you enjoyed the experience and learned a lot but that you are looking for [the attributes of this position]. You do want to spin your response to be about “fit” but I would highlight that there’s a good fit b/t your background and the new position. Like the earlier post, I don’t think you should worry about any backlash from resigning. People quit all the time, for all kinds of reasons. Focus on what you have to offer. Good luck!
TBK
You say you’re not sure if you were laid off or not. Were there lay-offs at the time? Or could you see that business in your area was drying up? If so, I think you can honestly say “there really wasn’t the business coming in the door to support my division at the staffing levels we had” or something similar. You’re not saying that you in particular were definitely laid off, and if it’s vague (i.e., it’s not that you were caught stealing and fired on the spot) then it’s totally fair to point out factors that may have led to downsizing. (As long as you’re not insinuating something about the company that’s untrue.)
TCFKAG
“It wasn’t a great fit” I think is the right phrase for when it was kind of mutual. And if your boss said its okay to say you resigned, then I think that’s the way to go!
hiding
Thanks everyone! I will work on rehearsing an answer until I have it down cold.
TBK, it was an office of 4 people and their hours in my department had increased by about 75% when they hired 2 full time people (one of whom was my supervisor and never goes to work)
So there is an argument to be made for downsizing since they really didn’t need all those hours.
lawsuited
I’d say that you were laid off, which suggests that the firm was having problems, not you. When we interview prospective lawyers at my firm, we worry if they quit their previous job because of “fit” – it says they’re likely to quit on us too!
Anonymous
*eyeroll*
We’re only going to quit on you if you’re an asshole. Which, it sounds like you are for dinging a person that’s unhappy in their job and seeking something better. Employees are supposed to like working for you. It’s not some giant power trip or endurance content.
lawsuited
Yikes, Anonymous, I offered my view in an attempt to be helpful to the OP, because some prospective employers may interpret quitting negatively, whether that’s fair or not. Law firms can be challenging work environments so resilience is a positive thing.
I’m sorry to have personally offended you.
anon
really? if they didn’t fit at their previous job, that tells you they won’t fit at your firm either?
harriet the spy
I think the trick is to figure out if someone didn’t fit at their previous job because of factors specific to their previous job, or because of factors general to the industry. There’s a big difference between someone who didn’t like their job at Sullivan and Cromwell and someone who just doesn’t like their job as a BigLaw associate.
anon
Interviews are about making judgments on people with a limited amount of information. I think that fear about someone who quit a prior job is common, even if it’s not fair in many cases.
+1
Totally agree. If people don’t want to go, then DON’T GO.
Book Recomendations
Anyone have anything spectacular that they’ve recently read?
I generally like fiction (old or new), but loved Devil in the White City (recommended from someone on this site). I’m open to a biography if it was really well written and engaging.
Anon8
I’ve read all three of Gillian Flynn’s books: Gone Girl, Dark Places and Sharp Objects. They are good mystery/thrillers.
Book Recomendations
I read Gone Girl and Dark Places. Maybe I will try Sharp Objects.
Anon8
Sharp Objects was not my favorite. It was her first novel and I could see how she has grown with the other too. But still a good, quick read.
Kanye East
I’m really enjoying Sonia Sotomayor’s memoir, but I started out biased because I lurve her.
De
I’m reading The Oath now, just as good as The Nine. I’m currently on the Sotomayor section, loving it. And I loved her on The Daily Show the other night!
Kanye East
Did you see her on 60 Minutes?!
Rain! On my face!
De
No, but after that reaction I’m going to have to see if I can watch it online.
eek
The 60 Minutes piece was great.
anon
I did, and I have to say that I like her about 15% more now than I did before. Not previously a fan. Maybe she’ll win me over eventually.
Sonia
I’m a Supreme Court Justice, I don’t need to win anyone over.
TO Lawyer
Was also going to suggest Gillian Flynn! I’ve also really enjoyed Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo.
ABC
Did you find Behind the Beautiful Forevers to be slow at the beginning? It is on so many Best of 2012 lists, but I am having a really hard time getting into it. Or is it just not grooving with me?
TO Lawyer
Ya I thought it was a little slow. I really only stuck with it because I wanted to see why it was on all the lists but ultimately, it ended up being worth it!
Anon
Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
Book Recomendations
Oooh, I heard this was great.
anon2
It was. DH loved it too.
Gus
Anyone who liked Unbroken (and I thought it was great) should try Lost in Shangri-La, by Mitchell Zuckhoff. An absolutely unbelievable (but true) story about a rescue mission during WWII in Papua New Guinea. I found it particularly fascinating because one of the plane crash survivors (who then have to be rescued) was a Women’s Army Corps officer, and you don’t read a lot about women service members in WWII.
LadyEnginerd
+1 to Lost in Shangri-La. it’s a little slow at first, but a true testament to truth being stranger than fiction. Side comment: was I the only one who mentally cast Jack Black as the parachuting hollywood guy?
CKB
This was good – my book club’s book last month!
Bunkster
The Silver Linings Playbook is actually really good. I love Bradley Cooper, but I don’t want to see the movie now because I’ve heard it’s so different from the book.
Anon
I really liked this book, too. Also the Book Thief which is mentioned below. Historical fiction-The Last Runaway (I think that’s what it’s called. Same author as wrote Girl With the Pearl Earring) was also really good.
Bunkster
Funny. That was the other book I was going to recommend
Bunkster
Here’s a link to my book list, if you’d like an extensive selection:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AvobkWrR5ZWXdGducFRQVE9lLXJpSGVnT1U4aFlTQkE&authkey=CLj81coH
Blonde Lawyer
That spreadsheet is amazing!!
anon
If you want something light and fun, try “Heads in Beds.” I read it in two nights this week. Funny but also a good look at human nature.
Lady Harriet
If you like fantasy, anything by Brandon Sanderson is excellent.
KinCA
I’m 90 or so pages away from finishing The Book Thief and I am loving it. It’s a great work of historical fiction, told from a fascinating perspective.
I also just finished The Glass Castle recently, despite hearing about it for years. I couldn’t put it down, once I started. I think I finished it about 3 days.
rosie
I loved The Glass Castle. The author’s other book–Half-Broke Horses–is great, too.
I just got The Art of Racing in the Rain and am looking forward to starting it.
Parker - Boardroom Belles
Loved The Book Thief – even though it’s a children’s book…
Maru
If you have any interest in mysteries, I wholeheartedly recommend Rebecca Pawel’s ‘Colonel Tejada’ series. The first book is called Death of A Nationalist. The series is set in fascist Spain, and is really beautifully written. I’ve read them all about three times, and that’s really saying something for me.
Book Recomendations
I love mysteries. Tanna French is my current favorite and I’ve read all her paperbacks and waiting for her newest to come out in paperback. These books are high on my list of possibilities.
ExcelNinja
I just DEVOURED the “Wool” series. It’s post-apocalypse sci fi…but I hate sci fi and loved, loved loved Wool. Highly recommend.
LF
Ooh – another Wool fan! (To OP: the author’s name is Hugh Howey, BTW.) I love that series. I’m waiting for the next one to come out very soon!
buffybot
I just read “Alif the Unseen” and really, really enjoyed it….hacker in unnamed Arab country comes across mystical book. Sort of Harry Potter meets the Arab Spring.
Over the holidays, I read The Passage, which is a few years old now. Vampire Zombies! Truly a scary book, and a quick read for all that it is the size of a brick.
If you like mysteries, I am a great fan of Tana French, who writes very literary mysteries set in contemporary Ireland.
Hannita
Sin in the Second City, if you liked Devil in the White City. It’s by a different author, but similar style of story. It’s about the notorious Everleigh brothel in Chicago at the turn of the last century, vice districts, white slavery, and basically how the US went from allowing prostitution in segregated areas to being more aggressive with arresting people/shutting down brothels. It’s a quick read, but interesting & well-written.
Legally Red
Loved this one!
Equity's Darling
I read Sweet Tooth recently by Ian McEwan, I was really impressed and enjoyed it- I heard it’s not as good as Redemption, but I haven’t read that so I can’t compare.
ss
Guessing you mean Atonement ? Black Dogs and Enduring Love are good too and you might like his early short stories, which are recycled in Sweet Tooth as the boyfriend’s writing.
Book Reccomendations
I got this and Unbroken. I love Ian McEwan and have read all his books. I started Sweet Tooth last night and love it.
Miss Rumphius
I recently I’ve loved The End of Your Life Book Club (memoir, very sweet and uplifting despite the title) by Will Schwalbe, This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz, and The Lizard Cage by Karen Connelly. All very different but I couldn’t put any of them down.
MJ
Love your handle!
Thalia
“Boy Kings of Texas” – a memoir about growing up in Brownsville TX. I am almost finished and have really enjoyed it so far.
LH
Stephen King’s 11/22/63 about a guy who travels back in time to try to prevent Kennedy’s assassination. The book is from a couple years ago but I just read it. I highly recommend it even if you’re not especially into sci fi or historical fiction. at its core it’s really a very character-driven novel ith a beautiful love story. I couldn’t put it down.
mascot
Stephen King always pleasantly surprises me when he gets out of the horror genre.
coco
Here are the books I’ve really loved in about the last year that are novels or read like novels:
Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick
Heads in Beds by Jacob Tomsky
Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Unit by Nina Holmqvist
both books by Justin Halpern
Love by Toni Morrison
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent
Wild by Cheryl Strayed
Runaway Girl by Carissa Phelps
Anon for this
Alright ladies, I know we have discussed prenups at length before, but for the marrieds/partnered out there, what are the other top things you wish you’d discussed or agreed on pre-ceremony. SO and I have initiated “the talk” and are trying to confront as many issues as possible to make sure we move forward with eyes wide open. (I’d also take book recommendations OR recommended search terms to find old convos on the blog.)
CW
In my mind, the top two things to discuss are: kids (yes/no; if yes, possible timing) and finances (joint, separate, who pays the bills, do you get fun money, how much debt (credit card, student loans, etc.) do each of you have, what are your monthly financial obligations, etc.).
Research, Not Law
Those are my top two, also. To money, I’d add discussion of how you want your lifestyle to look (ie, live on small means and save big, work hard to play hard, etc). Ultimately, compare where you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years and make sure it lines up.
I’d also add where you’d like to ideally live and whether you’d be willing to live where the other wants to live or likely could need to live for their career.
If you don’t already live together, do discuss household chores and cleanliness.
Merabella
I agree with all of these and add some somewhat silly/small things that can cause big issues…
Where will you go for Christmas/Important Holidays? How important is being around your family during these times to you?
How important is spending time with your parents? Do you go to their house every weekend or are you a holidays type family?
Do you open your Christmas presents on Christmas eve, or Christmas day?
How important is a clean house to you? What are some chores that you feel like have to be done in order for you to feel happy at home? Are you someone who has to have all the clothes put away or you go crazy? Can you have dishes in the sink?
anon
Oh, I think that where you spend the holidays and how much time you spend with family counts as a BIG thing, not a silly or small thing. The Christmas Agreement of 2005 is single-handedly the best pre-marital conversation that my husband and I had. It has dramatically simplified our holidays ever since.
East Coaster
Just curious – what did you agree to?
harriet the spy
Even years with his family, odd years with mine. We both live many, many states away from our parents, so Christmas is a significant chunk of the time we spend with our families each year. For Thanksgiving, the cardinal rule is that we Do Not Fly unless there are extenuating circumstances (like the year that there was a memorial service over Thanksgiving week, etc.). If there’s family close enough to drive, we celebrate with them, whoever they are. If not, we make our own Thanksgiving fun.
Jay
I love the Christmas Eve v. Christmas Day suggestion. It is amazing how much we hold onto childhood traditions about the “right” way to do important holidays. Similarly, whose family recipe for stuffing will you use on Thanksgiving, or will you have to have both? :)
IronGirl
Adding something to what has already been said re: kids – yes or no. If yes, and you don’t have an easy time TTC, how far is each of you willing to go to have your own kids and what alternatives are you willing to consider. Never thought about it before, but it became an issue in my life.
Parker - Boardroom Belles
Kids
Money
Country to Settle Down In
MiddleCoast
Kids, money, holidays (very HUGE), family vacations (never discussed, ended up dragging widowed MIL with us everywhere).
Do either of you want to open you own business? Is the other okay with this? Who, what, when, where, how, why? And most importantly, if it doesn’t work, what is your exit strategy?
Also, long term vision – retire early? work till you drop? Travel the world? Have a cozy cabin up North? You don’t need to decide this here and now but at least see if you are on the same wave length.
Saacnmama
Where to live became a big issue in my very brief marriage in 2 ways
1 We moved out of the apt I’d been living in and rented a house together bc he couldn’t deal with the neighbors. The “new” house was a rough commute for me, so we moved closer to campus. We drew up a spreadsheet with price we were willing to pay for various types of dwelling & how much various “extras” were worth to us, and started house hunting. He fell in love with a place that absolutely did not line up with the chart. Not sure how we could have made the agreement more complete than a spreadsheet, but I guess we should’ve found some way to do that.
2. Because he was so homesick, I changed my dissertation topic & applied for grants to go where he was from. When I didn’t get any on the first round, he accused me of lying to him and left me. I was waited-listed on one of the grants & got it a few months later, but it was all over by then.
So those are my two examples of how not to do it.
Kc esq
5 years into my marriage, I think that before you go down the aisle, it is most important that you trust that together you will deal with unexpected bumps in the road/ changes in how you thought things would be. Having a game plan concerning kids, extended family, etc., is great, but can you trust each other to be what you need if you realize you need to change the plan? That’s the best part of having a real partner.
Saacnmama
Yup
EmilyD
Well said.
Monday
Strongly agree. What’s the quote–something like “You make a plan, and God laughs”? It’s not that planning is useless, but it’s not worth much when someone’s heart truly changes or when something external comes out of nowhere. What are you going to say? “This wasn’t what we planned”? Call foul or something on your spouse? I think if you want to stay together a lot of it is being able to work together when plans go out the window.
I’m not married yet but made the decision to get married about 6 months ago. There’s already been one major factor that unexpectedly changed in our lives since The Talk(s), and I noticed as we worked through it–not without discomfort–that I was thinking “this must be what it’s really about.”
Yo yo
Well put. 10 years into my marriage, and life is not at all where I thought it would be when we discussed the future 10 years ago. Health issues, job changes, unexpected death of a parent. This stuff you don’t plan for. I doubt we would recognize our 25 year old selves anymore, but we have rolled with the punches and done so together. Our marriage is stronger for it.
LH
Not so much “wish we discussed” because we did, but here are some things our Rabbi made us discuss with each other and her that I thought were helpful.
– kids? if so how many
– finances, including general attitudes towards spending vs saving, in a “normal” year at current salary how much goes to different things, things you want to splurge on vs things you could cut out/do more cheaply, what would you do with an unexpected $10K windfall, what would you do about an unexpected $10K expense
– how you plan to divide up holidays with the two families
– where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years and is that consistent with the other persons goals
– religion, how big or small or role it will play in your family’s life, if you are of different religions which one will potential kids have
Need to Improve
It is important to discuss not just whether to have kids and how many, but also what will be the logistics of raising them. Will he want to stay home? Expect you to? Would he be open to going part time? Obviously these are very complicated issues and you do not want to jump the gun, but you also should have a general sense of whether he expects you to be a SaHM if, for example, you do not want to. People change their minds once kids are born but it is worth exploring now. I have seen this become stressful for a lot of working parent friends.
Lady Enginerd
The traditional “wife” expectations is where we got stuck. A good toe into this water, when you’re dating, is to discuss keeping vs changing your name. Lots of funny gendered expectations about the job description for a wife/mother fell out of that one. Anyone who asks you why you can’t be more “traditional” and who thinks a woman keeping her name or hyphenating is “emasculating” likely has all sorts of similar expectatioms about the management of a home and parenting of children. Better to get those out in the open early.
Did I listen to that red flag? Nope. But I know for next time.
Jennifer
That’s a great piece of advice (although I’m sorry you had to deal with a bad outcome).
Meg Murry
I agree. Along with traditional “wife” expectations – discuss your parent’s roles and what you consider “normal” for a married couple. What about your parent’s marriages do you want to emulate, what do you want to avoid? Did one of you grow up in a neighborhood where all women were SAHM/SAHWs? For instance, my husband grew up in a church where women deferred to their husbands for everything, and all household and child-related chores were “women’s work”, even if the woman was also working full time. My husband and I discussed this before marriage and we agreed that our relationship was NOT going to be this way – in fact, he does 90% of the cooking and around 60% of the childcare now, while I am the main wage earner who works more hours. Discuss what your definition of “normal” is for each of you, especially if you grew up in different parts of the country/rural vs urban vs suburban/socioeconomic statuses, etc.
Divaliscious11
Parental support – ie.. financial, live in – yes/no, etc…. its helpful to have a plan before an emotional event occurs….
mamabear
I think it’s a great idea to talk about what you think your life will be like, but you never know what curves life is going to throw at you. I think it’s most important that you love your partner with your whole heart and that you remember that respect is the most important thing. If you have doubts about either of these, don’t walk down the aisle.
Also, be careful what you promise. One of my male work friends says that when he and his wife had “the talk” before getting married, they had talked about what would happen if one of them had an extramarital affair. His future wife at the time said she felt that if their marriage were otherwise strong, she’d rather not know about it. Naturally, my male friend used this as carte blanche to cheat on his wife all the time. He regrets it now, particularly since she finally left him.
Kdubs
Before we got married, my husband and I did “marriage prep” in addition to “wedding prep.” We read and discussed a book called The Hard Questions by Susan Piver – it has chapters on a variety of subjects that people have already mentioned (children, holidays, money, etc), organized by topic, followed by a series of questions. We each wrote answers to the questions, swapped via Google Docs, and then took a day or two to read each others’ answers and process them. Then, once a week we would sit down over a plate of our favorite crab appetizers and discuss our answers. It was really nice to have some structure, and a chance to react privately to each question and to the other person’s answer.
SFBayA
Wow, I love this idea. LOVE IT.
Frou Frou
Can’t say that there is anything that I wished we had discussed, but I can tell you that, after 12 years of marriage, I am glad that we agreed to the following:
1) No swearing or cursing at each other – EVER
2) No using our upbringing as an excuse for our behavior or reasons why we want to do something in a particular way
3) We see our families infrequently (because his live in another country and mine are spread out), but we live with each other everyday. We keep that mind when the pressures from family interfere with our marriage.
Flying Squirrel
In case you’re still reading, one thing we didn’t do but maybe would be have been helpful (it’s happened for us organically in response to some difficult things) was discuss what’s the bare minimum we need for happiness. I think when you’re getting married there’s a tendency to think about your ideal life and all the things you really want. But what are the things you can’t compromise one? If they are somewhat different between the two of you, that expands the confines of the minimal life you both can be okay with.
And I don’t mean would you be happy with a 3 BR vs 4 BR house, I mean would you be happy if you nature and circumstance make having children impossible…that’s actually something you may never be able to control, but could you be happy together? After a couple of losses and 2 1/2 years TTC, I realize that we could be…even though we haven’t given up, I also feel like the 2 of us are a family just us.
Would you be okay if you lived far from both of your families? We can obviously survive this way, but we’re not exactly happy about it, so we’re looking into other compromises to bring us closer to them.
Aside from the stress of the trauma whose impact is impossible to predict, if injury limited your ability to pursue your current hobbies (especially those that you share), would you still enjoy each other’s company? This was the worst for me. Our relationship grew up around our love of the outdoors (climbing, cycling, skiing, hiking, etc). That was the context in which we both imagined our lives. 5 years ago I was injured in a way that it was likely to preclude me from doing almost anything we used to do together. I honestly didn’t know if DH could live his life without being able to share those things with his partner, but we learned that we like each enough as people to find different things we enjoy together. This may seem like a minor thing, but I think there are a lot of couples who lose the ability to enjoy each other’s company…
Herbie
What’s everyone doing this weekend?
I’ve got dinner tonight with friends I haven’t seen in awhile, a date tomorrow night, brunch w/ my mom on Sunday, and then lady date with another C’ r e t t e to the theatre on Sunday afternoon. Yay weekend!!
momentsofabsurdity
Fun weekend! I’ve got spin class/relaxing night in tonight, gym and a ton of work to do tomorrow, followed by dinner/drinks with a good friend and her boyfriend, and then driving to a neighboring state on Sunday to hang with a friend who’s going through a health crisis. Sunday will be a crazy long day (3hr+ each way) but besides the drive, I think it’ll be a good weekend.
Jealous of your date (even though I’m still on my self-proclaimed boy-break)!
De
I’m glad to hear you’re going to see your friend (I think you were the one who posted yesterday?) You’re a good friend!
momentsofabsurdity
Yeah — I’m glad too. I offered to go for the whole weekend but she said no, so I just said let’s plan a fun, low key friend-day for Sunday where we can go get lunch, relax, etc. I hope I can pick up her spirits a bit – we’ve been texting through the day so I know she got an MRI this morning and is meeting with a neurologist in an hour or so. I so, so hope everything’s okay – but I want to be there for her this weekend to give her a hug and some support, if she needs it.
NOLA
Nothing fun planned, unfortunately. I feel like my house has gotten out of control, so some cleaning and picking up. I may make barbecued beef to freeze in advance for my friend’s Super Bowl party. And ultimately, avoiding Mardi Gras parades. They’re a week early because of the Super Bowl. Getting to church on the parade route and (even more challenging) getting home are always an adventure!
BTW, my girlfriend and I saw the Hobbit in IMAX 3-D last weekend and now we want to see EVERYTHING in IMAX 3-D. So awesome. Even the trailers were cooler.
Bunkster
Dining with my brother and his wife and baby tonight. I’m going to pick up amazing sandwiches from a place near work (think avocado blt, steak and blue cheese, etc.) And I’m staying the night.
Tomorrow I’m heading to my parents’ house. We’re doing a birthday dinner for my dad and I’m making a cake.
Sunday I’m resting hopefully. I have tendinitis in my thumb and the pain is excruciating and constant right now. I think the very cold temps are exacerbating it.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
ExcelNinja
I now desperately want a steak and blue cheese sandwich on amazing french bread.
Bunkster
We ordered the Avocado BLT, Steak, Carmelized Onion and Great Hill Blue and Pesto Chicken sandwiches on sliced ciabatta from Dave’s Fresh Pasta in Somerville, just in case you’re in the Boston area…
ExcelNinja
:( Not even close…Bay Area…thanks for the food erotica though!!
Research, Not Law
Taking the kids swimming with friends (whee!) and organizing our toys and storage (boo…).
Lady Harriet
One of my friends is planning a board game party tonight. Tomorrow, the small town I live in is holding a steak cook-off as a fundraiser for scholarships to the school here. I’ve never been before, but I’ve heard it’s a lot of fun. Probably the rest of the weekend will be cleaning, relaxing, and researching job listings. (Yikes!)
O.
Working. For the 28th and 29th consecutive days.
Cb
Oh no, any end in sight?
O.
Sadly, no. I feel like when I cross one thing off of my project list, another two get added. Hoping things let up by mid-February.
SunnyD
I have a facial tonight. A run and a swim tomorrow morning. Then lunch with hottie boy I’m dating. Sunday is a lady date with a certain other r e t t e; we’re going to the theater. And then Sunday night is dinner with the family. Maybe I should clean my house too—but that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as everything else.
Cb
A recap from the earlier thread but I am cooking dinner for the guy I am seeing and we’ll watch a movie. I’m on call this weekend and the weather is crap so we’re making the most of it and having a nice evening at mine. I’m weirdly nervous about the dinner, he thinks I’m insanely busy and pulled in so many directions so I feel like by making something complex will prove that I have it somewhat together. (You’re welcome to take bets on me being back tomorrow night with a tale of burnt dinner, fire alarms, and pizza).
Emmabean
yay! Good luck!
De
Time alone tonight (can’t wait!) Hopefully won’t get snowed in.
Mani/Pedi tomorrow with my favorite aunt (can ya’ll believe I’ve never had a pedicure before?) Housework the rest of the day, then working the PT job on Sunday. Booo.
JessC
Any Tampa Bay ‘rettes here?
Tomorrow’s the Gasparilla day parade. I’m hosting some people at my place for brunch tomorrow and then we’re walking down to the parade route (I live about 2 miles from there).
Sunday will probably be church, more painting!, and recovering from the exhaustion of the day before.
JessC
(resposting to avoid moderation)
Any Tampa Bay ladies here?
Tomorrow’s the Gasparilla day parade. I’m hosting some people at my place for brunch tomorrow and then we’re walking down to the parade route (I live about 2 miles from there).
Sunday will probably be church, more painting!, and recovering from the exhaustion of the day before.
lucy stone
My parents snowbird north of Tampa and I so want to go to this!
Saacnmama
We lived in South Tampa for 2 yrs but the closest we ever got is me going to the Bay to watch the fireworks. DS was scared of them. We’re in a different part of town now, might get back there for it sometime.
Jo March
House-hunting. Also, going to dinner and a CD release party on Sunday night, with our newest “couple friends” who we love in part because they are essentially our only non-law friends, lol. Plus they are awesome and hilarious and raunchy :)
Saacnmama
I admire you for continuing with your life even while helping your mom with everything. DS has needed a lot of attention the past 2 weeks & I’ve unhappily put my life on hold to talk with the various professionals involved.
Jo March
It’s a bit easier to do because I’m not actually in the same city as she is…And because things are calming down a little. I sure was useless a couple of weeks ago! And I imagine it is even harder when it’s your kid instead of your parent. Hugs. It sounds like you’ve had a hard go of it lately…Sending internet love and support to you. You sound like you might need a care package. You can email me at [email protected]…I feel like it’s about time for me to pay something forward, lol.
ExcelNinja
Tonight, maybe happy hour. Tomorrow, a long bike ride and dinner with friends. Sunday, errands/chores and laziness (we’re on S2 of The Wire)! It’s going to be a great weekend :)
New Apartment
I will finally find the perfect pieces of furniture I have been searching for so I can unpack the remaining boxes in my new place! If I say it confidently enough it will happen, right?
cbackson
Studying for the bar.
Don’t lateral before you’re a sixth-year, kids.
eek
*shiver* I’m sorry.
MJ
Good luck! Sending study-endurance vibes your way. I know it’s a horrible slog. You can do it! And plan treats for yourself….
Rose in Bloom
Good luck! Georgia isn’t too bad, so hang in there!
Matilda
Been there. The good news is that it’s actually a lot easier the second time. Good luck!
Nervous Girlfriend
I am seeing a friend for coffee tomorrow, dinner with a cousin in the evening and then brunch with my girlfriends on Sunday. And hopefully not obsessing about my boyfriend + Vegas strippers…
Anon for this
Aww, hey Nervous Girlfriend. I used to be super nervous about strippers too. Then I went to a strip club with my bf-at-the-time and got a lapdance. It seriously, seriously means nothing to him or them…they just want $20. Don’t worry :)
btw, bf-at-the-time and I are now very happily married.
Nervous Girlfriend
That was me being kinda facetious. I’ve been to strip clubs before (although not with him). I’m not a huge fan of him getting lap dances but I think I’m more jealous/resentful that it’s freezing here and work is insanely busy and I’ve been dying to go on vacation but he said he couldn’t swing it and went on a boys trip instead.
Thanks for trying to reassure me though – you’re right, I was much more nervous about strip clubs generally before I actually went to one!
eek
– Thomas Keller’s Braised Chicken Thighs recipe
– Taking a professional exam so I can get some more letters
– Laundry
ExcelNinja
good luck on your exam!!
eek
Thank you! Now with your kind sentiments I am going to Ninja the heck out of it :D
CKB
Family night tonight – out for dinner & shopping at MEC for my oldest’s first winter scout camp. Skiing tomorrow – should be a beautiful day – high in the low 30s. Church & nothing else planned for Sunday. Probably watch a Disney movie – we’re taking the kids to Disneyland in April (they don’t know yet, though) and I have a list of movies I want to watch with them before we go. :)
JessC
Love classic Disney movies (Sleeping Beauty was my favorite)!!!
Parker - Boardroom Belles
Taxes
Writing Posts
Dinner w Friends
Re-Packaging all my online purchases and carrying them to the post office (which judging by the pile in my kitchen will take half a day ;))
AEK
Item #4 is a Saturday ritual for me too…the downside to the convenience of click & shop.
SoCalAtty
Spin after work tonight. Possibly watching a friend barrel race her new horse (I do jumpers (hunters) and she’s a trainer from that world, but she recently started barrel racing, it’s awesome!) tomorrow, maybe another spin class tomorrow depending on how hard the spin tonight is, then Sunday my husband is working so I’m getting a massage and just hanging out with a book.
Monday I get to go in and sign my offer and meet more execs at my new gig. Also Monday, my horse has her re-check / lameness exam after having the winter off, along with a bone scan and MRI. I have a ton going on in the next 3 days!
Mary Ann Singleton
Jealous of your barrel racing plans! Sounds awesome. Hope your horse gets cleared by the vet to start working again.
a.
I’m pretty boring this weekend. A friend and I had a pizza, wine, and movie night last night; tonight I’m going to a crêpe-making party; and tomorrow I’m going to the opera (or what will pass for the opera in my podunk city). Other than that, I plan to play with my dog, run a few errands, and otherwise flop around my apartment in my PJs. I woke up feeling kind of pre-sickness today, so I’m trying to lie low.
goirishkj
There’s a full moon tonight. I’m 39 weeks pregnant on Sunday. I’m hoping the moon mumbo jumbo works and have my baby soon because waddling is only cute on my bulldog :)
Fun thread! Moments, I didn’t comment on your post about your friend, but I saw it and have been thinking of both of you. As someone who has had health issues in the past, I really appreciated just having friends to talk to in the midst of getting hit with tests and such–it really helped me and I know it is helping your friend too.
Kanye East
Photobombing at Sundance.
POSITA
Does anyone have a good suggestion for professional maternity clothes on a budget? I’m clerking, so I am on a limited income, but I also need to wear a suit most days.
I’m only about 10 weeks, but most of my wardrobe are suits with pencil skirts and they’re already looking indecent. Any suggestions for transition clothing? The hair elastic trick doesn’t work with skirts! This could get expensive quickly if I need a bunch of new suits.
Research, Not Law
I personally waited to bring out maternity clothes at work until I announced, so I would rubberband suit pants and/or wear size-up skirts (bought consignment) as separates for now. As a long-term solution, I would buy a handful of great maternity pieces and wear them to death. In retrospect, I wish I had just paid the money to buy fewer pieces that I felt good in rather than making due with cheaper things that I never felt right in. You can do a lot of mix-match and variation with accessories (which, thankfully, always fit). Readers who wear suits more frequently can correct if I’m wrong, but don’t worry about full maternity suits; just wear the jackets you have unbuttoned. Do look for consignment options. Professional wear will be harder to find, but they are out there and can save you a bundle.
Jay
I agree with this – when I had to wear a suit when I was pregnant, I wore black maternity pants and a black suit jacket that was the “same black” as the maternity pants. Full-on maternity suits are either $$$$$ or pretty ugly, in my experience. People really do give you a pass when you’re obviously pregnant, fashion-wise. If you can find some maternity pants that coordinate with jackets you already own, I’d buy those and some professional-looking maternity tops and just go with separates. Or maternity dresses with your jackets unbuttoned. I found Motherhood Maternity and Target to be good for basics, and Japanese Weekend was great for professional, nice pieces. I hated Pea in the Pod – way more expensive than Motherhood but not a measurable improvement in quality.
Consignment or borrowing from friends who’ve had babies are always good options too!
O.
Is there a maternity consignment or resale store near you? I got my whole maternity wardrobe primarily from a resale store for about $200. I looked professional and presentable, but not at put together as I did when not pregnant. Although I didn’t buy maternity suits because manufacturers don’t seem to believe someone of my proportions would be pregnant (I am tall but also thin, which is a tough demographic in maternity wear), the resale store where I shopped had a lot of maternity suits. I made my regular clothes work with a belly band until 2 months before I delivered. I never tried it with a skirt though. Later on, I got tons of mileage out of a pair of black maternity pants from one of the cheap mall maternity stores for about $40 and wore that with a regular black suit jacket because I only gained weight in my stomach. They were horrible material but I could put up with it for a few months.
ANP
I second (third?) the idea of consignment maternity items — heck, I hit the jackpot at Salvation Army a couple of times! All it takes is one person in your size to make an end-of-pregnancy donation and bam, instant wardrobe.
You may want to consider purchasing a few non-maternity items that are a couple of sizes up from what you regularly wear. This will keep you out of full-blown maternity clothes for longer and you’ll also likely have to cycle back through some larger/regular clothes post-baby, when you’re dropping weight again. You can especially do this with blazers, too — leave them unbuttoned and keep them around for after the baby’s born.
Otherwise I’d recommend Gap and possibly Old Navy for unfussy, not-a-suit work basics. Dresses are your maternity friend; I only own one (casual) maternity skirt b/c dresses really grow with you much better than pants or skirts do. For example, in these last few weeks I’ve had to resort to wearing black yoga pants to work with long tops (to disguise the yoga-pant factor) or dresses over leggings b/c my tummy is so huge! My favorite work trousers came from Gap and I loved them so much I got two pairs: full belly panel black work pants that saw me through two pregnancies (although now, at 39 weeks 2 days with Kid 2, they’re pretty faded). I’ve heard some good stuff about Ann Taylor LOFT’s maternity line and I think it’s 50% off today in fact.
POSITA
Does anyone have a recommendations for good consignment stores in DC? There must be one, but I don’t know of any. I can ask friends in a few weeks after I announce.
goirishkj
Can you wear coordinated suiting separates in your office? I’m a lawyer, but in a casual office. I’ve had to wear a suit once during pregnancy and I wore black slacks, solid top and a gray jacket and that was fine, but I know every office is different. If you can get away with suiting separates, I’d look at your suit jackets and figure out what sorts of pants/skirts/dresses you can wear with them. That way you can get a basic black skirt, black pants, gray pants, etc. I actually had good luck at Old Navy for some tops, but my office is pretty casual. Target has some cute things too. I’ve been able to wear all my nonmaternity jackets and cardigans, but be prepared that depending on where you gain weight that might not always be possible. I can’t button them of course, but it works. A friend borrowed her mom’s jackets that were a size bigger than she normally wears. If you can’t wear suiting separates and need maternity suits, then I’d echo consignment stores. Also, dresses can really look formal with a coordinating jacket and don’t necessarily need to be the same fabric. I was able to wear nonmaternity dresses the longest. Just an FYI, if you are big of bust, maternity dresses can be hard to fit (at least they were for me!) I was a 34 D/DD prepregnancy and went up to a 34H. The problem I found with maternity dresses is that so many of them had empire waists that were designed to flatter a slightly bigger than average bust. I was way bigger than average which meant the waist band was mid-b**b on my body which really wasn’t very flattering on my body!
1l
Hey Everyone,
I haven’t posted before but am loving the interview fashion advice. I am a 1l and have my very first ever internship interview next week with the US Attorney’s office (which is my dream internship) and was wondering if anyone had any advice on questions they might ask/ what they are looking for in interns.
Thanks!
Bloom
Best of luck! I clerked at the US Atty’s in law school and it was by far the best employment experience I had during school. Err on the side of formal for your interview. I’m sure every office is different, but I remember the interview being very blunt (i.e. why do you have this one C on your transcript). They were also really interested in my motivations in working for the government versus the private sector and of course writing and research experience. Depending on how they allocate work to you, I would stress being able to work independently and to pick up on new/complicated legal questions quickly. I think they also asked me what the hardest part of law school was in my opinion.
TCFKAG
For interns, generally they will ask about any pre-law school work experience you’ve had. Government vs. private sector was big. And since you’re a 1L and so this may no be a “future job” type internship, they may spend a decent amount of it sort of pitching and explaining what the job is like. Try to come in with some interesting and well thought out questions (they can be hard to think of on the fly.)
SpaceMountain
Do you know the name of your interviewer or any attorneys in the office? If so, you can search them on Westlaw to see the types of cases they handle, and then ask questions about those cases. I’d love it if one of my interviewees did that — I love to talk about my cases!
1l
thanks for the tips! I think I know the name of the interviewer so I will try to do some research about her/the particular office this weekend.
Pretzel_Logic
I interned with USAO last summer (as a rising 3L) and it was awesome. Be prepared for having more than one interviewer–I was interviewed by four attorneys. They didn’t give me any names up front, though. I only say that because the panel format with questions from all directions can be intimidating, but they told me once I’d been working for a while that they liked me in large part because I wasn’t phased by the barrage of questions. My thought at the time was just that I had to make at least half of them like me, haha. I went with a gray suit and normal work makeup and hair (neat and a little toned down from what I normally do, especially eye makeup). They were more blunt, as Bloom said, but I found that gave me a better feel for what they were really looking for and whether I actually wanted the job (and HECK YES I DID). I had an absolutely awful 2L fall and that was the last grades they had and they still hired me, so grades may or may not be a factor; I also had prior experience with criminal work. (Although they do a ton of civil litigation, too.)
Good luck!! I had such a good time with that job, I hope you impress the hell out of the interviewer!
big dipper
This has probably been covered before but…I want to learn how to apply make up. Does anyone have any go-to tutorials (blogs, books or Youtube) for the very basics (applying eye liner, every day eye shadow, applying foundation, etc).
I’m planning on going to a makeup counter to find appropriate colors, but I need a lot of help learning how to physically apply the make up.
Merabella
I like The Small Things Blog (she has make up and hair tutorials), Let’s Make It Up You Tube Channel (1 & 2 have make up and hair how tos).
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Laura Mercier Counter for Make up tutorials and discussing what you need. Also, Bobbi Brown. MAC can be fun, but be sure to specify daytime, they can get a little extreme.
Anon8
Second The Small Things Blog. She has great hair tutorials but I haven’t had a chance to check out her makeup ones yet.
Also blogs like Temptalia, Makeup and Beauty Blog and Vampy Varnish have lots of product reviews, swatches, etc. That might be more for when you are looking for products to try with your new skills. Have fun!
Statutesq
Second Laura Mercier. My makeup guy not only taught me how to put everything on, and in what order, but he also wrote me a detailed email summarizing the lesson that I could refer to until I got it down. He also let me email him with questions if something came up with hadn’t discussed. Any he didn’t laugh at me for being a 29-year-old putting on makeup for the first time.
frugal doc
Wow. Was this a formal appointment for a ?make-over, or just a casual “stop by the counter” and ask for make-up advice for free? Really great.
Anon8
Check out Makeup By Tiffany D. She has a website and You Tube chanel. She has tons of tutorials.
Research, Not Law
MichellePhan on YouTube
De
I’m interested in this as well–I don’t wear some things, or even own them, because I don’t know how to use/apply..blush…eyelash curler…I try eye liner but it ends up all over my face within an hour.
Jennifer
The beauty department. Regardless of your opinions of Lauren Conrad, the tutorials are spot on and have big, easy to follow pictures.
+1
Not a huge fan of hers (not so much dislike as that I never understood those shows/why she is famous) but The Beauty Department is a great blog!
Alana
Do you know what type of look you’re going for? Different looks have different applications. Also, what type of skin do you have? What type of finish do you prefer? Matte? Shiny? Sparkly? What features would you like to emphasize and de-emphasize? It might help to follow youtube videos of people with similar features. It’s also useful to browse in the make-up book section of the library or bookstore to get an idea of what you prefer.
Some techniques are easier than others, so figuring out your needs and wants is important. Some people prefer brushes for application, while others prefer sponges. Liquid eyeliner is typically a more advanced technique than either the pencil or brush. Colors that are close to your skin tone or sheer require less precision, say, than engine-red lips.
Generally, it’s easier to start off light-handed and build up intensity. Enjoy!
NashJD
Interesting – I had no idea there was so much help on this subject. I’ve been using Bare Essentials for the past year or so but I’ve never really liked the look on me. Feel like it makes me look washed out, greasy, etc. Does anyone recommend a different mineral/powder makeup or do I just need to switch to something altogether different?
hellskitchen
I liked bare essentials at first but it doesn’t wear well on my skin either – gets greasy very quickly. My routine now consists of moisturizer followed by primer (I use Rimmel London’s primer no 01) followed either by Boots no 7 soft and sheer tinted moisturizer, if I want a very natural look or maybelline’s fit me foundation for a bit more coverage. I thought that mineral powder would be better for my combination, acne prone skin but the liquid moisturizer and foundations actually allow my skin to breather better and feel better. I think the key is to use products with sheer coverage.. maybelline fit me is a good one because it’s meant to mimic natural skin tone
312
You may want to check out the tv show What not to Wear. I’ve learned a lot from watching Carmindy.
Cali CPA
I may have spent a good portion of the morning looking through the DineLA restaurants instead of being productive at work. Does anyone have a recommendation for one that they loved? There are just so many!
Research, Not Law
Do middle-sized fashion bloggers exist? The plus-size discussion got me thinking: I have only seen quite trim or plus-sized fashion bloggers. There must be someone in between. The Mindy Kaling of fashion bloggers. Sally from Already Pretty with professional tastes.
anon
Interested in this too. Wardrobe Oxygen is the only one I know of. She’s a size 12 I think.
Miss A
I totally second this. I was thinking about starting one, but then I’d have to buy a full length mirror or a real camera to take pictures… Will update if I do it!
ExcelNinja
I’d love to see one!! Wardrobe Oxygen is still considered “plus size” (she can use Gwynnie Bee, which is plus size only).
Research, Not Law
Do! There’s definitely a void to fill for the size 6-10!
JadeMoon
Holy guacamole! size 6 is mid-size?? I consider that slender.
anon
Are you american? We are talking about American sizes which I know are a little different in the UK
anon for this
depends on your height. I’m size 6 and not at all slender. A friend of mine is size 6, but 7 inches taller, and she’s slender.
anon
Isn’t Kat somewhere in the size 6-10 range?
Milna
3L here. Did any of y’all ladies find that grad school was tough on your ego? During high school and college, I really excelled at school, and I’m beginning to realize that I placed a lot of my self-worth in my academic achievements. But since coming to law school, my grades have been very… average. I haven’t won any awards, didn’t make law review, and didn’t blow anyone away in clinic or moot court. Even though I am very, very grateful to have a job waiting for me after graduation, I’m having some serious self-esteem issues related to my mediocre academic performance. My family constantly brings it up. “Are you sure law is for you? You graduated summa cum laude in [undergrad field]. Why not do that instead?”
I loved my summer internships, but I have this secret fear that maybe I’m not going to be a good lawyer after all. Not really sure what I’m asking for here. Maybe stories from you talented ladies who did okay in school and then blew away the competition on the job?
Former MidLevel
Please, please, please don’t let this ruin your self-esteem. Plenty of amazing lawyers have less-than-perfect law school records–and there’s no guarantee that your classmates who got perfect grades and the other “merit badges” will be good lawyers. I’m sorry your family doesn’t get it. I don’t care where you went to undergrad–graduate school (and law school more specifically) is a whole new ballgame. You’re competing with enforced grade curves against people who are every bit as smart as you. Plus, you got a job! Do you know how many law students/recent grads you “beat” in that respect? Just go out there, kick some a**, and have a happy career.
Miss A
I’m still trying to get over it. :0) Especially because I graduated in the downturn, which meant that interviewers tried to put you down if you weren’t the top 2% of your class, even at a T14 law school. Sigh.
momentsofabsurdity
Yes. I actually think this is a pretty common thing, to be honest.
Think of it this way – life and advancement are often one big series of funnels. When you were a baby, everyone was (mostly) the same. In elementary school, you generally had most of the population. As you got through middle/high school, you took more advanced classes and maybe hung out with smarter kids. When you went to college, with a selection criteria, you mostly hung out with even smarter kids. When you go to grad school, even more so.
I think for someone who is, for example, in the 95th percentile of say, human achievement, college or more often, grad school is often where they realize they aren’t in the 99th (at least, that’s how it’s been working for me). Because let’s say by the time you get to a great graduate program, there have been so many filters and selection criteria, your grad school is really pulling from/your classmates really are among the top 10% of people in terms of achievement (pulling numbers out of a hat here).
Well if you are in the top 10% of people, but not the top 5%, you’re basically middle of the pack in grad school. When you’ve been in environments with more of a diversity of achievement, you have often risen to the top, but in grad school, since everyone is so high achieving, you haven’t. That doesn’t mean you aren’t smart or capable – it just means among a bunch of really really smart, really really talented people – you weren’t the absolute best. I think that is a hard thing to come to terms with – but you still are incredibly capable and I’m sure will make an excellent lawyer! Maybe you are not the best in the whole world – but you can still be pretty damn good.
Boston 1L
Thank you. This is an amazing description and made me feel a lot better – plus makes sense!
JessC
In a word, yes. Got tons of accolades in highschool, graduated on the Dean’s List from college, and went to law school thinking that the stream of success I’d experienced up to that point would continue. And then BAM, first semester grades come out and I was dead in the middle of my class. That was pretty hard to swallow.
It took a little while and a serious attitude adjustment to get over it. What really helped were two things: (1) recognizing that most of the people in my class had been similarly successful prior to coming to law school (top % of their classes, lots of extracurriculars, general overachieverness) and that, basically, I was going to school with just the smart kids and (2) realizing that the law degree I would graduate with would be the same degree that the guy at the top of the class had and that his eventual law license wouldn’t have some special gold star that mine wouldn’t.
TBK
I hear this from so, so, so many of my friends. As for your family– duh, the people in law school were ALL something cum laude in college. How do you think they got to law school? If you always thought of yourself as an A student and now you have a bunch of non-pointy letters on your transcript, I think you need to re-think what A means. Plus law school grades are notoriously haphazzard. First, if you have a job now, no one will care what your grades are after this job. They’ll care where you went to school and where your first job out of law school was, but grades really become secondary (I had one crazy would-be employer ask for them but she was crazypants). Second, law school grades have almost nothing to do with being a good lawyer. I say almost nothing because there are a small handful of people who love, love, love digging into tiny minutae completely undisturbed and what served them well in law school serves them well toiling deep in the recesses of some massive BigLaw building. But that’s a tiny minority of lawyers. If you’ve liked the work you’ve done so far, you’re probably going to be a better lawyer than most.
Anon
Not to be a downer, but every post-first-job employer has asked for my grades. Some have also requested transcripts. I think they become less significant, but I still had to provide them. And I started at BigLaw from a T10 school (only mentioning this b/c those things are obviously both on my resume).
mascot
I got asked for transcripts as a mid level lateral into BigLaw. I think it was more background verification at that point than actually caring about grades.
aw
+1. Also, really good/really bad grades may be used to distinguish two otherwise similarly qualified candidates.
cbackson
True story: I cried when I got my 1L grades. It was the first time I’d ever made a B. I was lucky to come from a lawyer-y family, so people understood.
I later taught at a law school, and had lots of students come to office hours and cry because they’d made their first-ever B. So yeah, it’s a common experience. And, gently, the only thing you can do is grow out of the feeling that your grades define you. FWIW, I graduated no higher than the top third of my class (at a top-5 school, which I do admit is relevant). That didn’t stop me from getting a great job right out of law school, and lateraling to an even better job that I love. Yes, they looked at my transcript, but it didn’t stand in my way.
SoCalAtty
I had the same experience. It messed with my self esteem for a bit…until I won my first trial against a BigLaw team with much, much more experience.
It still bums me out when I see a job opening that says they want both 5+ years of experience AND top 5% of your law school class, but those become more and more of a minority the more experience you have.
I didn’t have to really try much in HS or college…and that smacked me in the face my 1L year. I figured it out and made great grades after that, but it was already too late.
Jay
Shopping Request – I want to treat myself to a new bag for work. I’ve been using the same black Coach bag for three years, and I want to mix it up – something red, dark red, or dark green maybe. Needs to be able to hold a laptop, some file folders, wallet, and lunch without making me afraid that I’ll break the straps by overloading. Absolutely must have feet on the bottom and have good pockets/organization. Under $500 but I’d go more if something were really special. I’ve absolutely loved my Coach bag – it still looks perfect even though it has been banged around a ton, and I need the new bag to hold up well too even if it isn’t treated perfectly. Any suggestions??
SFBayA
Tumi, hands down. I went on the Great Work Bag hunt last year. It took months, and I looked at *everything* in almost all price ranges. The most functional and yet feminine bags were Tumi.
chi squared
Second! I love Tumi’s organizational details. I caved to necessity and bought a Tumi University backpack, which has not just 1 , but 4 potential pockets for iphone/blackberry, highlighters, lip gloss, etc., regular pen pocket, a long key chain ring, zippered internal pockets, and an outside, waterproof pocket for a travel umbrella.
Lady Harriet
I love your name!
Jay
Where are the feminine ones? I’m looking at the Tumi options on ebags, and none of them look “pretty,” which I guess is another requirement I have. I don’t want a messenger bag or a backpack.
eek
Has feet and holds a laptop. A colleague has it and now I want one. http://www.alesyabags.com/
Jay
That is interesting – I haven’t seen a style like that before!
AMB
And she ships to Canada! Excitement!
mintberrycrunch
I am coveting this now….
eek
I just ordered it. Apparently, Kat featured it in Sept 2011. :)
SoCalAtty
I just bought the Fossil Hunter Tote (link to follow) in black for a work bag. Really sturdy, thick leather, fits my laptop and files (I have a 13″ macbook) and seems like it will last. It comes in “claret” and “taupe” too!
That being said, I really liked the Kate Spade options that were similar, I just beat my work / court bags to heck and didn’t want to spend that much.
SoCalAtty
http://www.zappos.com/fossil-hunter-tote-black
Jay
Oooh, that looks really nice. If it had feet, I would order it. I put my bag down in way too many places to not have feet.
These are some options that I’m considering:
http://www.zappos.com/hobo-morena-red-venice-leather?zlfid=111&recoName=zap_pdp_sub
http://www.zappos.com/michael-michael-kors-jet-set-saffiano-top-zip-tote-turquoise?zlfid=111&recoName=zap_pdp_acc
http://www.zappos.com/dooney-bourke-davis-tassel-shopper-red
(I think this is where I’m leaning)
http://www.zappos.com/fossil-vintage-revival-east-west-satchel-black?zlfid=111&recoName=zap_pdp_sub
(Is this too crazy in Lilac?)
ChandraNH
Have you looked at the Lo & Son’s OMG or OG bags? they have feet on the bottom (very small) tons of storage space and pockets, are feminine, come in red and army green (I have the army green and it is incredibly gorgeous and professional looking and falls well within your price range.
Jay
Oh, I am in love with the plum. But I want leather, not nylon. I am being very picky, I know!
mamabear
Check out knomo bags. I got the quilted nylon with leather trim, but they have lots of all leather bags too.
I always recommend Jack Georges too
Jay
The Alice is gorgeous. Thanks for the suggestion!
Miss A
PSA:
http://ny.racked.com/archives/2013/01/21/lululemons_mega_warehouse_sale_is_headed_for_nassau_coliseum.php
Posting this since we were talking about this, and my bf sent me a link to this. If you’re in the NYC metro area and love the lulus, you might benefit!
MB
I think its funny how everyone throws around terms like dream job or dream internship. I know this is a blog for professional women, but my dream job is never having to work. I’d love to be endlessly filthy rich and never have to worry about money and spend my time traveling, writing, reading, running, cooking, spending time with my loved ones and just being generally creative and artistic.
That’s my dream “job.”
Anonymous
+1
ABC
Yup, me too.
anon
Well obviously. A dream job isn’t what you’d do if you’d win the lotto, its just a great job that you would find fulfilling and has good reasonable coworkers. For a small percentage that’s what they’d do if they won the lottery, but obviously most people would not work or would do something totally different.
MB
I guess I think of a “dream job” as something that someone would do if they didn’t have to because they love it so much. But, the way the term gets thrown around around here, I’m obviously thinking of it incorrectly. I think of those as great jobs, not dream jobs.
I think I forgot to add shop, shop, shop to my list of things I’d like to do in lieu of working.
ExcelNinja
I used to keep a draft email of my requirements for my dream job, and added to it occasionally. Well, I am now working my exact dream job, and guess what…I’d still rather be spending time at home with my family, or travelling somewhere. It was sort of a sobering experience to actually land my dream job and realize that it was still the last thing on the list of activities that make me happy.
Research, Not Law
This!
anon
SO SO SO true.
Anon
+10000000000
SoCalAtty
True. My dream job is NO job, and plenty of money to feed my horse habit.
We should call it my “ok, well if I HAVE to work” job.
ANP
This question is for moms of 2+ kids (or anyone who has an opinion on this topic). In no short order, I’m going to have a newborn and a 3-year-old. I was thinking we could get by with a single stroller + babywearing, but now I’m seeing a great deal on what’s essentially my dream stroller (Bumbleride Indie Twin) so I’m torn. I’m fairly minimalist when it comes to baby stuff but we do live in a suburb so I have space in a garage/basement for storage. We have a single BOB stroller right now that cost us a pretty penny, but it’s pretty much Our Only Stroller and I’m not regretful about spending the money on it. I could get the Bumbleride for about the same amount out of pocket as the single BOB, and my guess is that I could resell both of them in a couple of years when we’re done with them.
Other considerations: I’m not a mall walker/shopper but we’d use the double primarily for outdoor activities April – October (we live in a snow-in-winter area of the country). My three-year-old was still enjoying stroller rides at the end of the summer when she was 2.75 years old. We live fairly close to a large body of water and like to take family walks with the dog near our home. Having a 3rd kid is a possibility (if it were a sure thing, I’d buy the double stroller without a second thought).
Trying to be frugal, here, but I also don’t want to be stupid. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! Thanks.
Anon
I’m not yet a mom, but I think this sounds like a very reasonable purchase. I’d go for it. You can definitely resell them. Buy the stroller and enjoy your little ones :)
Bewitched
I think if you would use it and can get a good price at resale, go for it. We bought a Peg Perego high chair for our 3rd child a long time ago-I thought it was a crazy purchase because we had a servicable one but kid 2 was using it, and I never regretted the purchase. I think I sold it for about 3/4 of the price I paid-so I used it for 2 years and really only paid 25% of the price!
SpaceMountain
I had the double BOB, and loved it. It had great storage underneath, and an attachable rain cover, so I could take the kids out in all weather, with all their stuff. This was critical b/c I walked them to the babysitter every day. I’m sure I got my money’s worth out of it.
Research, Not Law
Been there. Still not sure the best way to do it. After much research and deliberation, I bought a Joovy Caboose sit-and-stand, which seemed like the best of both worlds. Meh, not really. I wrote a novel about why it didn’t work and deleted because the summary is that in reality only one kid rides at a time and you’re stuck with an awkward not-so-great stroller, so we always ended up using our single stroller and the ergo. That was fine for most situations, but I do wish we had a double stroller that fit our carseat. That would have been ideal, I think. We would have had maximum flexibility and a place for everything.
If the bumbleride is compatible with your carseat, get the bumbleride on deal and keep the single bob. You’ll use them both.
anon
I’m not sure whether you need it with a 3 year old. Pretty soon the older one will graduate from the stroller so there’s a pretty narrow window for using a double. I’d get a buggy board to hook onto your current single for once the newborn graduates to the stroller and the 3-4 year old wants to hitch a ride.
But please don’t let me get in the way of stroller love. If you need validation, please know that I bought a ridiculously expensive stroller for my second that wasn’t used nearly enough, but I’d probably do it again. :-)
ANP
This is the kind of thing I’m semi-hoping to hear, but we don’t have a single that’s compatible with a buggy board (to my knowledge they don’t make ’em for BOBs). I’m WAY over thinking this decision but part of it is bc I’m trying to be frugal w/o being dumb. Before I got the BOB I’d have laughed you out of the room if you suggested spending more than $100 on a stroller…but now I TOTALLY understand paying more for a worthwhile product. Am going to try and apply this same lesson to my post-baby wardrobe, too — buy less cheap stuff in favor of fewer, better quality pieces.
goirishkj
Nothing to add, but I’m glad you have liked your BOB. That’s what we went with and I’m hoping for it to be our only stroller too :) I still think I’m crazy for spending so much on a piece of baby gear but even my super frugal mom said it made sense if we intend to use it as our only stroller. Plus, we’re both runners so I’m hoping to pick that up with Baby once she’s old enough to ride along.
Pumping at Work
Based on our experience, I would recommend getting your oldest a push scooter. My kids love the mini kick brand (two heels in front, one in back, very steerable). When my son was 3.5 we bought him a scooter on the condition that he understood he was now too big for the stroller. We never went back. He walked or “scooted” everywhere, and we walk a lot. We now see local families pushing their 5+ year old kids around in their double stroller, and it seems insane to us. We’re so glad we taught our oldest to be independent at an early age. It’s also great exercise for him! His younger sister wanted to be like him, so by the time she was 2.5 she was on a scooter too :) It was one of our best purchases ever.
darjeeling
Yep, mine are about 2 1/2 years apart and we never got a double stroller; we had a bugaboo (craigslist) and got the skateboard attachment so the older one could ride, and that’s been perfect for us. We already had that stroller and a folding one so I was really resistant to getting the double, and it’s been fine. We have occasionally needed the older one to be in a stroller and when that happens we put the little one in a carrier.
BTW that used bugaboo was seriously the best $300 I’ve spent in my life, esp, since I think I could resell it for close to that 4 years later. Plus it corners like it’s on rails. So, no judgment here on the fancy stroller.
CKB
I had kids 2y4m and 3y4m apart. Never had a double stroller, and never wished I had one. When #2 & #2 were born we lived in a tiny town (village, actually) and did TONS of walking – to the park, to the library, to mom’s group, to friend’s houses. We did baby wearing & the stroller or the older child walked or rode a tricycle. Also, I’ve never been a fan of double strollers – they always seem so big to me. Oh, and we moved when our youngest was almost 2, had a big garage sale & sold our big stroller/baby seat combo & got a nice umbrella stroller with a basket. It was awesome. But I also only carried the smallest diaper bag I could get away with and used it as a purse as well. I’m not a big fan of stuff.
However, if you feel you’ll really use it, by all means get the double! I know lots of families who LOVED having a double stroller. It just wasn’t for me.
Greensleeves
I had #1 and #2 about 3 1/2 years apart. We never used a double stroller for those 2. Frankly, #1 pretty much refused to ride by 18 months and it wouldn’t have made sense. We had a minimalist frame to put the infant seat on and I loved that. I’m kind of anti-big stroller, I guess. #2 and #3 were a little less than two years apart. I got a Joovy sit and stand only because we were heading to Disney and it wasn’t much more expensive than renting one down there. It was a great investment and we used it a ton for a long time after Disney. All 3 would cycle thru on a long outing and I loved that it wasn’t a huge double stroller, so I actually used it. I think it depends a lot on your preferences, your kids’ preferences (see #1 who just wanted to walk) and your lifestyle.
Anastasia
If you do decide to get the double, definitely check Craigslist before buying new… I’ve seen bumblerides on there for $250ish. Much better than full price!
elz
I have 2 under 2 years apart and we are a fairly active family. I didn’t get a double stroller. When we went out when they were younger, I carried the baby in a Bjorn, as she got older, the baby rode in the stroller and my older daughter walked. I run, but never run with girls b/c pushing that much weight did not sound fun! Each family is different, but you can do just fine without a double.
mamabear
My kids are 10 and 11 now so i cant comment on specific strollers -we were big Emmaljunga fans – but i will tell you double strollers are worth it. If you buy a top brand, the resale market will be strong. We initially bought a front-back double secondhand from craigslist, then sold it for what we paid for it when we moved to a side by side. We eventually sold our big Emmaljunga side by side for a really good price. We always kept a cheapie umbrella side by side in the car – too hard to fold the big stroller up all the time.
We have always lived in fairly urban areas where we walk everywhere so having a stroller that would stand up to daily trips was important to us. It’s like your car when you have two little ones – totally worth paying for the best.
Anon
Any suggestions for a 4-5 day trip to Dublin? Pubs, restaurants, not-to-miss tourist attractions?
TO Lawyer
I would definitely go to the Guiness Factory. I’m not a fan of beer but it was pretty fun. Also the old jail (spelt gaol) was really interesting. And as for pubs, we really liked the Temple Bar. It was super touristy but I was with some girlfriends and it was really fun and we met tons of people. And then another night we went to some small pub and there was live music so I would also suggest pubs out of the main touristy areas. Have fun! I loved Dublin!
Herbie
Go get drinks at Cafe en Seine. My favorite bar in the world. Literally. http://www.cafeenseine.ie/
Also, are you staying in Dublin for 4-5 days on purpose? You could really knock it out in just about 2 and spend the rest of your time doing day trips (Howth is a great day trip, for example).
Herbie
Oh, and obvs, you must go to The Brazen Head– Ireland’s oldest pub. Kehoe’s is another great pub.
Hit up Trinity University to see the Book of Kells. If I’m remembering correctly, their library is also quite beautiful.
korakel
Second Howth! They have a cute market on Sundays right outside the station and grey seals in the harbour :)
ANP
2nd the Gunness factory! If you’re into those types of tours you can also visit the Jameson distillery. I found St. Patrick’s to be really lovely as well.
anne-on
I was a total snob and refused to take the big hop on/hop off buses till our last day. Big mistake – they hit Trinity college/Guiness factory/Jameson Factory/etc. and even if you just do two of those sites it is waaay cheaper than cabs.
Guiness factory was fun, the actual history of the brand/artwork was my personal favorite. The Jameson tour is really only worth it if you’re a whiskey person, we loved it but it is kind of out of the way. Oddly, one of my favorite tours was the Kilmainham Gaol (Jail) Museum. It was really interesting, very moving, and I teared up quite a few times to hear about the conditions that the revolutionaries had to deal with – I highly recommend it.
Trinity college was ok but easy enough to hit the book of kells in just an hour or two. Lots of touristy bars in that area though so not a bad place to get a pint afterwards.
Totally agree that Dublin can be done in 2-3 days if you’re just looking to hit the highlights. I really enjoyed it though and would absolutely go back.
Cb
I agree with everyone else that this is a big chunk of time in Dublin (but grain of salt: I arrived in Dublin and described it as ‘Edinburgh but not as pretty’). We did a day trip (tour) to the West Coast which was incredible, I really loved it.
Anon
Book of Kells at Trinity College; Queen of Tarts (delicious place for lunch!)
roses
To be honest, I spent 5 days in Dublin and thought it was way, way too much time there. The city is much smaller than you’d expect, so unless you’re with a huge group of people and want to do the crazy party scene every night, I think you’re probably going to run out of things to do in the city proper. However, there are plenty of trains that take you to the further-out regions, where there is beautiful scenery and lovely places to hike or sail or take a picnic.
Oh, and one thing that took me by surprise when I visited in early August: it rained on and off every single day. Seriously, bright sunshine one minute, an hour of rain out of nowhere, and then sun again. The temperature also fluctuated within a 25 degree range every day. So strange – dress appropriately!
ITDS
We did Dublin for 4 nights a couple of years ago. Guinness factory was fun, but their sample Guinness was the worst one of the whole trip! Book of Kells was great, and since it was February it was just us and a school group so we could take our time. St. Patrick’s Cathedral was really pretty. We didn’t do a tour of Dublin castle, but did manage to sneak into the pretty chapel there because the door was open. Chester Beatty library was really nice. DO. NOT. MISS. the Natural History Museum – it’s a museum of a museum, and was so cool we actually went to it twice.
Kanye East
Ha. I lived in Dublin for a year and went to the Natural History Museum almost once a week. Their taxidermied stuff is so ancient that it’s fascinating.
Travel advice
Hi ladies,
Would love any honeymoon ideas. We will be going in July, and are looking for a beachy, relaxing honeymoon. I am looking for someplace that feels “luxurious”, DF will get bored with just a secluded beach – he likes to surf and other activity options would be good. I don’t want to stay in a high-rise, would prefer something more intimate where I walk out the door pretty much onto the beach. Hawaii was an option but is obscenely expensive. Prefer not to go halfway around the world for the same reason. We are having trouble finding a geographic location that fits the bill, let alone a resort.
Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Anon
Costa Rica
Ellen
I know a place! It is Ocean City, New Jersey. It may be a bit little warm in July, but it is close and my dad took my mom there a few year’s ago, when I was in law school in DC. He drove to DC, dropped off my stuff, then took mom to Ocean City. It is NOT the same as Ocean City Maryland, where alot of guy’s wanted to take me for the weekend (buy I NEVER went b/c of the sleepeing arrangement’s), but this is a FAMILY freindly place where you can get some priveacy. My mom still RAVE’s about the Flander’s Hotel. It is VERY classy, tho my fruegel dad complained a little bit, the food was suposedly very good. Have a look. My dad used to know the mater dee there, so mabye if you mention his name, you can get the honeymoon suite there. I know that when I get married, I will make my husband take me there. Check it out. The HIVE speak’s with a single BUZZ!!!!! YAY!!!!!
CBM
Have you looked into renting an apartment or condo? There are some relatively reasonably priced options in Hawaii on VRBO dot com.
Bermuda!
July is prime time for Bermuda…. lots of great beach and plenty of history and watersports. Very elegant, especially compared to much of the Caribbean. It’s SO close to the East Coast, too. Do it!
MiddleCoast
Second Bermuda. Pink beaches, cottage resorts are very romantic. Stay away from the big hotels. There is lots to do, sightseeing is fun. My hubbie loved the little motorscooters they make the tourists ride around on (tourists cannot rent cars in Bermuda).
anon
Where are you coming from? If you’re on the west coast, you might try Zihuatanejo in Mexico. If you’re on the east coast, I agree that Bermuda would be fabulous.
O.
Second Zihua! We stayed at the Tides (which I guess is now the Viceroy) and it was amazing. The beach is great and the hotel has palapas and lounge chairs for guests to use. The town has lots of great food, sort of California cuisine meets Mexican. Caveat: I was there before the cruise ship terminal was built and have no idea how it is now.
elz
3rd Zihua, although we stayed twice on the Ixtapa side at the Capella resort. We’re heading to another Capella resort next week in Cabo. Both have plenty of sport fishing, Cabo has more surf type of tides. Capella resorts are THE ultimate in luxury. You will not be disappointed. I also HIGHLY recommend Puerto Rico-beautiful, amazing culture, plenty to do (or not do), great food, no passport needed, etc.
ouch
Is Europe an option? I’d vote a Greek Island if so!
Jennifer
Fun! I’d recommend Rincon, PR. Affordable, safe yet exotic, great surfing, good eats. One of my all time favorite places. Second choice: less exotic but a nice mix of fun and relaxation – Santa Barbara. Or do what my husband and I did and choose whatever is on the cover of NYT travel on a designated weekend.
Anon
Cabo
Rufus
We have gone to quite a few tropical locals to feed the hubby’s scuba obsession. We absolutely fell in love with grand cayman this fall. It is absolutely beautiful, clean and there are tons of restaurants and places to check out. I felt safer and more comfortable there than any other island we have been to.
I also loved the resort we stayed at in Belize, Victoria House. You have your own little straw top casita and it’s very luxurious and romantic. I didn’t really care for Belize quite as much, but V House would be an excellent honeymoon resort.
Good luck!
OP
Thanks everyone! Anyone have advice for specific resorts for Bermuda, PR, or Grand Cayman?
Rufus
We stayed at the grand cayman beach suites. Not terribly impressed and they are
building a resort next to it. So I have one to not recommend!
L
Random question- have any of the Hive every purchased a wedding dress from Costco? Before I do the order and try thing I figured I’d ask if the quality is even remotely decent.
Brant
Just got some great news and have to share– DH got the (long coming) full time offer from place he’s been doing contract work at for the past few months and it was way, way WAY more generous (+30%) than we expected (and our expectations were high IMHO).
With the windfall salary do we:
1. continue to be responsible
2. start to plan for a kitcen reno in the next year or so
3. plan a big fat vacation
While he is out celebrating with his boss, I bought myself a vacuum. OH MARRIED LIFE.
:)
CKB
Congratulations!! That’s awesome news, and yay on the new vacuum.
Statutesq
vacation!
MiddleCoast
Small vacation, kitchen reno, up his 401K contribution.
Brant
We’re maxed out for 401ks. But we did allocate some extra for LT savings, obvs.
Saacnmama
1 & 2
a.
Hooray! Take an awesome vacation to celebrate, then return to the real world of savings and kitchen renovations :)
Bluejay
How long has it been since your last vacation? Do you have high-interest debt? Are you already maxing out your 401Ks? Etc. A vacation can have serious benefits for your mental health and your marriage, so as long as it’s not going to harm you financially or prevent you from eliminating other stressors (like debt), go for it. The kitchen reno would probably be awesome, too.
Brant
nah, all my options are post- responsible things like retirement and debt. Our only debt is financed at a rate so laughably low that keeping it around is cheaper than paying it off (<2.5%, recession rates FTW)–so we're letting the cash sit in the market and paying down those loans as slowly as possible :)
Creeped out
At what point does a guy cross the line from “coming on a little too strong” to CREEPY?? I met this guy for a first date a few nights ago, after having talked on an online dating site a couple times. He seemed like a nice normal guy, and I’m trying to be openminded and give it a shot, but he is just coming on way too strong and something about it is just giving me the creeps. Multiple texts the next day, repeatedly trying to come over and bring me soup because I said I wasn’t feeling well (after I clearly told him no)…
MaggieLizer
Insisting on coming to your house when you’ve only had one date is super creepy and possibly dangerous. Stop responding to texts. He’ll eventually get the message. If you want, send him one text to let him know you’re not interested in talking to him anymore and wish him the best, but don’t respond if he tries to argue with you. Fwiw, any time you’re getting a creepy vibe from a guy is the point at which he crosses the line.
BlueToo
I think it’s better to send a direct, unapologetic message saying ‘Thanks for the drink but I don’t want to pursue a friendship. Best of luck.’ – and then do not reply to any subsequent messages. It’s polite but clear.
If you don’t reply with a firm statement, it sounds likely he won’t get the message (plus, it annoys me when people I was messaging just disappear off the face of the planet!).
a.
+1. Anyone who won’t respect your boundaries like that needs to GO.
ITDS
As soon as you have to ask a question like this. If he wasn’t acting creepy, you wouldn’t have thought to ask. And, FWIW, in this type of situation, it doesn’t matter what the hive, or anyone else, or the guy, says, only what you feel.
Herbie
Trust your gut. He’s a creeper. Cut him loose.
BlueToo
IMHO the line is – if it feels creepy, it’s creepy. Double for someone you met via the internet. In this case, he is also disregarding your direct request.
momentsofabsurdity
Your gut is there for a reason. Yeah it’s possible he’s just desperate – but it’s also possible he’s not paying attention to your signals because he thinks they’re not important, and that’s a pattern that will carry over IMO, not worth taking the risk for a virtual stranger.
eek
Trust your gut, always.
anon
Yes, this. If he gives you the creeps, stop all contact wiht him. Simple as that.
Lady Enginerd
Cut him loose and then read The Gift of Fear to validate that decision. Why go any further with a guy whose understanding of boundaries is so vastly different from yours (and, uh, way outside the norm. sounds creepy to me too)?
NowAnon
+1 on the Gift of Fear. Your instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them.
Saacnmama
Wanting to bring you soup sounds sweet to me, but I’m not you. If it doesn’t feel right to you, you should let him know you don’t think it’s going anywhere. You’ll probably have to be extra clear, because he apparently thinks you’re practically a couple.
LTO
Probably being dense but is there a difference between the ‘surplus’ dress in today’s Frugal Friday TPS and the plain ruched faux wrap dress from Nordstrom? I read the ‘phone them and tell them about the lower price’ comments with interest because I also literally just got my delivery of a full price teal one (LOVE btw). Also, does it make a difference I’m in Canada, so the order goes through the third-party international shipper?
Monday
To AIMS and anyone else who might have been interested in this sweater dress I love from J. Crew factory–it’s been restocked in some sizes/colors, and it’s on even more sale.
http://factory.jcrew.com/womens-clothing/sweaters/wool_blend/PRDOVR~93050/99102814568/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+216~~~0~15~all~mode+matchallany~~~~~sweater%20dress/93050.jsp
My review: the knit is nice and thick, and doesn’t stay stretched out e.g. leaving a pouch under your tuchus when you stand up. (This is my common problem with sweater dresses.) It’s a wide boat neck and the sleeve seams are off the shoulder, so it looks slouchy. It’s fairly roomy on top and tight on the bottom, which the pic doesn’t convey but I think is the intended fit. I’m 5’3″ and on me it’s too short for work, so be advised of that.
Monday
Oops– Don’t forget the discount code for final sale items. Brings it down to about $26.
a.
Oh man, I love that.
Off my rocker?
So somebody I considered a really close friend has distanced herself from me. I found out accidentally that she went through something emotionally trying (that I unfortunately have been through as well) and never said a peep. We used to share very personal and emotional things and I’m confused, and a little hurt, that she’s pushed me away. It seems like this has been building since she got married. I’ve reached out to tell her that I’m here for her and am not going to bring it up again. I can’t help feeling hurt and feel like I lost a close friend. Thoughts? Commiseration?
Boston 1L
Commiseration here. I’ve been through similar times with friends, and it never gets easier. I’ve even confronted (not hostile, just up front) a few about it, but it doesn’t help (especially since usually people just say it is just the timing or whatnot, but considering they stopped talking or responding shortly after that, I think there was something).
and I know it isn’t normal to go through this with multiple friends, so I have constantly tried to figure out what about me causes this, but I honestly have no idea. I’ve talked to current friends (who would be brutally honest) about it, and they don’t know, either.
I hope for your sake it is just a bump. Best of luck.
Joan Holloway
I had something similar happen to me. Fortunately, I’d gotten to know another friend of hers that she’d pulled away from, so when my friend pulled away from me, I knew it was part of her own pattern and nothing to do with me. Perhaps your friend has the same tendencies.
Anon
I could use some advice from the masses. I have several social events scheduled for the next week or so, including a business conference involving cocktail hours and small-ish group dinners. Drinks will be an integral part of many of these events.
Trouble is, my husband and I have been trying to conceive and I’m in my two week wait before knowing if this month was the winner. We have been struggling with infertility and I really don’t know how to field questions about not drinking. I also don’t know how to respond to well-meaning comments wondering if I’m pregnant (especially since it is likely I won’t be, yet again). Some of these events are with good friends who don’t know about my infertility, but who probably feel comfortable enough with me to make comments. And some of the events are with my boss who is also a friend and has made plenty of comments over the past few months to me about having kids.
I really don’t know how to not drink without being obvious or how to deflect questions when they come up. I’ve been toying with just telling people I’m taking a medication that can’t be mixed with alcohol (not a complete lie given the infertility concoctions I’ve been on). Anyone dealt with this before? Thoughts?
hellskitchen
I have been through this – I more or less gave up alcohol when I was ttc. Some of my close friends called me out on it during a dinner and I used the medication excuse. No one really pursued it. To be honest, even if you tell them after a few months that you are indeed pregnant, they are going to be happy for you and not annoyed that you “lied” or anything. For work dinners, if there’s no way around it, order a drink but only take a couple of sips. I often order a clear drink like gin & tonic and a sprite at the same time and by the end of the dinner, no one’s been keeping track of what I am actually drinking.
chi squared
My understanding is that the placenta doesn’t form until after the TWW is over. No placenta means no shared bloodstream, so it seems to me that it should be ok to have a little bit to drink during the TWW. Of course, it is a personal decision. My strategy is to have a glass of wine in my hand, but only take a few sips and/or drink sparkling water with lime.
Anon
Chi Squared: I checked this out with my husband, who is a doctor. Apparently, blood is shared from the time of implantation, which occurs well before the placenta forms. So alcohol in the blood could definitely be shared during the TWW. Given the amount of trouble we’re having just conceiving, I’d rather not risk even a few sips. But I may order something and just pretend to drink it. Thanks for your thoughts!
Boston 1L
I’ve been on medicine that cannot be mixed with alcohol before, but not something I care to bring up to a group. I have had people ask me for details (‘oh, what medication?’) before, which is uncomfortable, so I tend to avoid using that reason even when it is the case. I either order something that looks like alcohol (as others have said – I usually go with ginger ale as opposed to ginger ale and scotch, since nobody looks at any color difference) or say that my throat hurts or I think I’m getting sick and so don’t want to drink (I don’t know if it is common, but drinking alcohol when my throat hurts often makes my throat more sore).
I like the idea of ordering a drink and only having a few sips (or none, depending on the situation), drinking the non-alcoholic one instead (either a soda or just plain water so you don’t have to pay for two drinks), as it avoids the question altogether.
Anon
Boston 1L: The willingness of people to ask such private questions never fails to amaze me. It would be awkward if someone asked a follow up question about the type of medication. Sounds like that might not be the best approach for me… I do like the ginger ale suggestion (which I love to drink anyway), assuming I can somehow manage to order outside the earshot of everyone else at the table. Thanks!
Saacnmama
This has come up fairly often recently and I’ve gotta say, I just don’t get it. I don’t assume that the person ordering a cranberry & vodka has a yeast infection, that the person drinking Guiness is nursing, or that the person not drinking is TTC or pregnant. I dont think anyone else does either.
I recall exactly one time that it was anything close to a problem for me: I was pregnant and job hunting and the guys who’d invited me to give a lecture wanted to take me on a pub crawl. I’d already had my one allotted glass of wine with dinner, and a pub crawl’s out of character for me anyway, so I told them I’d take a rain check and drew them into a long conversation on a work-related topic. They were fine with that. We stayed out for a couple of hours, but if they wanted to go get drunk later, they could have. They told me a year or two later that they hadn’t suspected anything. I seriously don’t think people pay as much attention to what you’re doing as you think they do. Even the jerks who make stupid “are you pregnant” jokes probably are just looking for amusement.
ITDS
Order a short glass of club soda or tonic water with a lime or lemon. Sip it. Looks like a drink, so who’s to know?
Bonnie
Fantastic news for DCites: Nordstrom Rack is coming to Metro Center in April!
Destination Wedding help?
My fiance and I have our hearts set on a destination wedding, but can’t find the destination! We need something accessible for both east and west coasters (direct flight or one stop). Beach is a definite plus. I would be very grateful for any suggestions from your weddings or weddings you’ve attended. Which locations/hotels should I check out?
Just curious
Why the destination wedding? I thought people did them because they were in love with a location, but that’s clearly not the case for you. I’ve never been to one. Most of what I’ve heard about them is people grumbling over the time and $$$ spent at someone else’s request. Is it because you don’t want to “favor” people on one coast by having ppl from the other coast travel?
frugal doc
This…. It is lovely in theory, but remember that really your friends are coming to your wedding to do you a favor of sorts, and you are asking a lot of them. So unless all of your friends are filthy rich with lots of vacation time/frequent flier miles. Or unless your wedding is very small/intimate….. think carefully….
The only destination wedding that was well received by invitees was when a friend married her Catalan boyfriend and the wedding was on the coast of Spain outside of Barcelona. That made sense because at least all of his family/friends were in Spain, and hers were flying from the East cost of the US. He also made deals to get dirt cheap hotel rooms for all guests that were amazing (like $25!!!!). However, many people still grumbled, and many couldn’t come.
When my cousin got married in a tiny, luxurious skiing village, only 10 people were there (the closest family) and he paid for everything except your plane ticket. That worked.
Also things that worked well…. A tiny destination wedding for family only (see above), and a bigger party/reception that you pay for when you get back. But again, fewer people will fly out for that as well.
MiddleCoast
This. Daughter got married at a very exclusive resort in Jamaica, just 10 guests went. We held an open house reception in our home afterwards for our/his family and friends. Everyone who didn’t go was miffed as they wanted to participate in the actual wedding, couldn’t afford it. Ended up costing us a fortune. Good news though, I did a deep house cleaning and decluttered alot before the reception.
Saacnmama
I wonder if the “left behinds” would feel better if the reception in their locale was in a typical wedding reception place.
OP, have you talked to the people you absolutely can’t do without about their preferences?
anon
Honestly there is nothing “accessible” for both coasts for a destination wedding. Accessible is not having to go on a destination wedding. Really think about why your heart is set on one, and think about making that the honeymoon.
Jay
This. I don’t mind flying to a place that is close to either the bride’s or groom’s family, or where the bride and groom actually live, but when it’s the couple saying “oh, come to this great place that WE love” and I have to give up vacation and spend a lot of money so they can force me to go to a place that I probably wouldn’t choose…..it just feels different and selfish, like they don’t actually want people to come and just hope everyone sends a gift. Sorry, but I don’t think I’m alone in this sentiment.
Lady Enginerd
Honestly? Pick a hub airport. I’ll suggest Chicago as the lake views are breathtaking and should satisfy the “beach” urge. Tons of appropriate venues for small groups along the water. Or Vegas. There’s always Vegas.
Research, Not Law
I was thinking Atlanta. Georgia offers some beautiful locales within driving distance.
I’m guessing that OP has family and friends all over the country. I’m not a general fan of destination weddings, but may as well pick a neat place to get married if all guests are traveling anyway.
Darby
I’d go with Mexico – warm, beachy and accessible from both coasts although it will likely be easier for one coast or the other. I personally love a destination wedding, I have fun going on vacay with people I am close to and if it’s inconvenient, I don’t go. I really don’t get grumbly guests – it’s an invitation not a required appearance.
L2fly
I don’t get the negativity about destination weddings… if you need to accommodate people from both coasts, and half of the guests have to fly already, what’s wrong with leveling the playing field and asking all to fly somewhere a little bit more fun?
Although I hadn’t considered the gift issue. I agree, you don’t want it to end up looking like a ‘gift grab’. My boyfriend & I just got engaged, are getting married in a small ceremony in June (50 people) about 2 hours away, and I’m putting ‘Your presence is our present’ on our website, and passing the word that no gifts are desired via word of mouth (we are both in our 40s, this is each of our second weddings, and we just want our family and closets friends with us). This strategy could help with that issue of the destination wedding, too, particularly since they will have to shell out some $$ to attend, so that could reasonably be considered the wedding gift! And then, if people can’t go, they won’t get that ‘shopping for gifts’ vibe that someone else mentioned.
Also, because our ceremony and reception are so small, and a bit of a drive away, we are having a cocktail party for everyone, including co-workers, more casual friends, etc, who we would like to celebrate with about a week later. We aren’t calling it a reception, just a ‘party to celebrate’, hoping to avoid the ‘gift grabbing’ label. Maybe you could do something similar when you get home for those who would like to celebrate with you but can’t make it?
Don’t be discouraged about people’s negative opinions… since I started this wedding planning thing, I’ve realized people have some really, really strong opinions regarding wedding etiquette. While I don’t subscribe to the ‘its your day, do ANYTHING you want’ philosophy, because that can have some scary results, I do think its ok to go outside the narrow ideas of traditional wedding plans as long as you take into consideration the feelings of your guests.
As far as location, Chicago is beautiful in the summer, and anywhere on the Great Lakes would be pretty central for both coasts. Mexico would be fun, but the added hurdle of needing a passport might be tough for some guests.
Good luck!
L2fly
I don’t get the negativity about destination weddings… if you need to accommodate people from both coasts, and half of the guests have to fly already, what’s wrong with leveling the playing field and asking all to fly somewhere a little bit more fun?
Although I hadn’t considered the gift issue. I agree, you don’t want it to end up looking like a ‘gift grab’. My boyfriend & I just got engaged, are getting married in a small ceremony in June (50 people) about 2 hours away, and I’m putting ‘Your presence is our present’ on our website, and passing the word that no gifts are desired via word of mouth (we are both in our 40s, this is each of our second weddings, and we just want our family and closets friends with us). This strategy could help with that issue of the destination wedding, too, particularly since they will have to shell out some $$ to attend, so that could reasonably be considered the wedding gift! And then, if people can’t go, they won’t get that ‘shopping for gifts’ vibe that someone else mentioned.
Also, because our ceremony and reception are so small, and a bit of a drive away, we are having a informal c**** tail party for everyone, including co-workers, more casual friends, etc, who we would like to celebrate with about a week later. We aren’t calling it a reception, just a ‘party to celebrate’, hoping to avoid the ‘gift grabbing’ label. Maybe you could do something similar when you get home for those who would like to celebrate with you but can’t make it?
Don’t be discouraged about people’s negative opinions… since I started this wedding planning thing, I’ve realized people have some really, really strong opinions regarding wedding etiquette. While I don’t subscribe to the ‘its your day, do ANYTHING you want’ philosophy, because that can have some scary results, I do think its ok to go outside the narrow ideas of traditional wedding plans as long as you take into consideration the feelings of your guests.
As far as location, Chicago is beautiful in the summer, and anywhere on the Great Lakes would be pretty central for both coasts. Mexico would be fun, but the added hurdle of needing a passport might be tough for some guests.
Good luck! (double post, first post stuck in moderation for c***t*l)
Rufus
We had a destination wedding in the Bahamas in November 2011. We had not been there befor our wedding. I wouldn’t trade the time we spent with our 25 guests for anything. We had the most perfect wedding and had a few amazing days with our dearest family and friends. At our wedding, we spent the entire night together and with people we really love, not table hopping to talk to our distant relatives, parents friends and people we don’t care that much about. I don’t have a location to suggest, but wanted to encourage you to have a destination wedding.
anon
No one is saying the bride doesn’t like it. I’m sure brides have an awesome time. And guests have a good time too. The problem is its a huge imposition for guests. Its money and vacation time. Youre asking people to shell out for a vacation. There’s a huge difference between the price of flights to Boston, vs bermuda.
“At our wedding, we spent the entire night together and with people we really love, not table hopping to talk to our distant relatives, parents friends and people we don’t care that much about.” You can achieve that by just having a small wedding. You dont need to make guests choose between seeing you get married, and their one vacation for the year.
Rufus
That’s all true. I guess we were of the thinking that this day was about us and people could come if they wanted to and were able to. I have been to destination weddings for close friends and had a wonderful time there too. I guess it didn’t seem like an imposition because we wanted to be there, were able to afford it and had a great time (so the vacation time was worth it). I understand what you are saying, but just wanted to give the original poster my opinion as someone who has had one.
MMC
To Anon 11:30 – it’s not an imposition. If you prefer to keep your funds and spend them on your own vacation time that’s awesome! Go for it! If I were the one having a wedding, and a guest felt like you do, I’d so prefer they stay home than having that kind of attitude around.
anon
Like I said when I said guests have a good time, I have enjoyed every destination wedding I have gone to. If someone I am close to had a destination wedding, I will always go. The problem is it goes on my credit card because my public interest job pays 30k and I have loans and live in a high cost of living. Certainly you can see there is a difference between an actual wedding that I am invited to and a hypothetical destination wedding. I cherish my friends weddings and have loved attending. If I got to anonymously give my suggestions before hand, I would ask them to please have the wedding in their home town or where they live, where it cost me $400 to attend, instead of in bermuda where it costs me $1500. As much as I am happy for me, its a huge b*tch when I see the wedding location is somewhere beautiful, tropical, and an 800 flight away. That is an imposition.
LH
I don’t get this “it’s an imposition on the guests” theory at all. As someone said above, its an invitation not an obligation! The only obligation is to send a card/gift, which you would have no matter where the wedding is held. If you don’t feel like spending your hard-earned time/money then send a nice gift and don’t go. We had a quasi-destination wedding (in the US, but not where either of us grew up or currently lived). Many of our loved ones could not come because of the time & expense in getting there and we have absolutely no hard feelings toward them. The guests who did hurt our feelings were the ones who came but then complained about the time & expense involved. Utlimately a wedding is about the bride & groom and not about the guests, and the couple should have it wherever makes them most happy. To some couples the most important thing is having ALL of your friends + family around and those people should not choose a destination wedding. But a destination wedding is the best choice for many couples and is not “rude” to guests who are always free to politely decline the invitation.
MMC
Agreed. Plus, I think people forget that in this day and age when people travel and go to college in random places and relocate to new coasts / countries /etc , the chances of a location that is accessible to everyone is slim to none. Wherever you hold the wedding, some people will not be able to come and that’s OK. If you have a destination wedding, some people will not be able to come, and that’s OK. It happens. It doesn’t make anyone a bad person (except maybe those who travel and then complain like in your example).
saacnmama
People like to go to their friends’ weddings!
If the wedding is far away and/or in an expensive place so they can’t go, I really don’t get the “so shrug it off” response. It’s hard to shrug it off when you really wanted to be at your friend’s wedding.
LH
I understand you *want* to go, but its not like you have some right to go and you should feel offended if you can’t. Would you be mad if your friend eloped? I guess I just don’t understand all the focus on what is best for the guests. The wedding day is a once-in-a-lifetime event for the bride and groom and they should celebrate how they best see fit, whether that is an elopement by themselves, a destination wedding with family and close friends or a local party with 250 friends. My husband has a close friend (a groomsman in our wedding) whose family is filthy rich and he and his fiance are talking about getting married in a castle in Europe. We probably won’t go, as much as we would like to. With my Biglaw hours I get very limited vacation time and we don’t want to spend it going to a country we’ve been to before when there are so many new places to go (and my husband has a more flexible schedule, but doesn’t want to go without me). Are we sad we can’t go? Of course and we hope they have some kind of party in the US that we can attend so we can celebrate with them. Are we mad at them for denying us our right to attend their wedding? Of course not. If this is what makes them happy, they should do it.
Admittedly, my friends and family (and my husband’s) are spread so far around the country (and world) that all the weddings we have been invited to so far, even the ones in the bride’s hometown (as an aside I think its sort of silly and sexist to say “the bride’s hometown is the place it ‘should’ be and having it anywhere else the couple likes is a ‘destination wedding'”), have required air travel, in some cases to foreign countries. It’s often cheaper and easier to get to a beach-y, “destination” place like Miami or even Mexico than it is to get to middle of nowhere Indiana where the bride grew up. If your friends and family are more concentrated I guess it might be different.
Anon
I think people with the “well, just don’t come then” attitude are often underestimating the pressure they are putting on their closest family and friends. Sure, 80% of the people you would invite to a big local wedding will probably be fine with just politely declining if the time and financial commitment is just too much. But close friends who really want to be there for you will feel torn between the hardship the event causes and wanting to make you a priority. These are the same people who would never want to put a damper on the festivities by letting your know that they will be paying off the trip for X months. You can be thoughtful and kind about those kinds of considerations without somehow making the day all about the guests.
Taylor
I just love the community on this blog so much! Everyone is so friendly, encouraging, and helpful-no mean or hate comments. As a recent college grad, it is so inspiring (and incredibly useful) reading about all these successful women.
APS
Advice, please!
I have a simple black Theory pantsuit I plan to wear for medical school interviews next year. I’m having trouble finding a shirt to wear with it. I’ve purchased this:
http://m.jcrew.com/mt/www.jcrew.com/womens_category/shirtsandtops/classicshirts/PRDOVR~30628/30628.jsp
But, I’m afraid the gingham pattern (very small black and white checks) is more casual than a stripe or solid.
Also, I love the look of it buttoned all the way up, but my boyfriend insists that I should leave the top button undone because I will not be wearing a tie.
Thoughts on patterns and buttoning all the way up?
Thank you!
Bonnie
I agree that the shirt buttoned up would look very conservative and not in a good way. Since you’re wearing a basic black suit, why not show a little personality with the shirt? Maybe a black and white print like this: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/classiques-entier-nouveau-georgette-blouse/3343539?origin=PredictiveSearch&contextualcategoryid=60146003&fashionColor=&resultback=0
The black suit will tone down the print.
anon
I would wear a black suit with a more colorful shirt. If you do wear that shirt, do not button it all the way up.
Emjay
My interview for the medical school I wanted to attend (and did :) was one of the most stressful days of my life! Everyone will be wearing black suits with the occasional gray or brown suit sprinkled in, so it’s important to look like you’re a contender while still being memorable. (Example of non-contender: the young woman who was the only one who didn’t get the memo about wearing a suit and wore a cardigan sweater, button-down and biz-casual slacks.) Although I like the shirt you picked out, I think that it reads as gray, not checked, from a short distance and I am not sure that when combined with a black suit, that your interviewers will be able to quickly summon a visual recall of you. This is the effect you want to create. I wore an electric purple top (conservative in shape but not in color) under my black suit and I’m fairly sure that in the interview roundtable I was probably referred to as PurpleGirl, but whatever, it worked. I did this again for residency interviews by wearing a light gray pinstripe suit and people actually said (at multiple different institutions) “Thank you for not wearing a black suit!”
I’m sorry to sound so superficial, and your words and resume should of course matter more than anything else during an interview, but humans are visual creatures and those on your interview committee are no different. Best of luck in your interview season!
APS
Thank you all so much! This community is always such a great resource.
Yes, I hope my words and resume hopefully matter much more than what I’m wearing! But, I’m trying to ready everything I have full control over well in advance. During my last major interview, a few years ago at this point, I looked good and I think it helped my confidence and focus (I interviewed for TFA, which didn’t require a suit, wearing a slim black turtleneck and cardigan set with wide leg gray pants, and got the job).
I tried the buttoned-up look because of pictures like this:
http://www.shopbop.com/one-button-notch-lapel-blazer/vp/v=1/845524441963314.htm
and
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Non-Iron-Tailored-Fit-Frame-Stripe-Dress-Shirt/WV00405,default,pd.html?dwvar_WV00405_Color=BLUM&contentpos=26&cgid=0242
and
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/suiting/super120spinstripe/PRDOVR~28135/28135.jsp
… but maybe it is too stylized/contrived for a med school interview.
I love the idea of wearing an unexpected color! I already have the black suit, so I can’t do pinstripes at this point, but I do love purple…
anon for this first world problem
biglaw senior types, how did you decide whether to pursue partnership? I’m a senior associate with very positive reviews and a lot of support from the partners in my group, and I think I’m at the point now where I may need to be showing interest in partnership since you can’t (usually) just be an associate indefinitely.
I love my colleagues and enjoy the work, but I don’t really need more money and being a partner seems like a huge pain- and this is assuming you even make it after a strenuous and obviously very competitive year-long process. I don’t at all think I would be a shoo-in and would hate to try and not make it since I think you kind of have to leave after that.
My inclination is shoot for counsel instead as the end goal since it’s up-or-out as an associate, but I also don’t want to look like I’m not ambitious or want to avoid actively participating in firm management (although I guess if I’m honest, these are both kind of true).
Thoughts/advice welcome.
Darby
I was in a similar position but just looked at the lifestyle of partners and decided it wasn’t for me, so I looked for something else. I ended up going in-house and starting my own business on the side. Best decision I could have made for me. When I was struggling with this issue my sister gave me the best advice, which was “just because you can doesn’t mean you should”.
harriet the spy
I think you have to distinguish between partnership-as-a-gold-star and partnership as an actual job. Lots of people want to make partner because it’s like winning the BigLaw Associate Sweepstakes. But don’t think of whether it would feel good to make partner. Think of how it would feel to come to work on your first-or second — or thousandth — day as a partner, and whether you actually want to do the work. Think of how it would feel to develop a book of business. Think of how it would feel to have to vote on partnership decisions, or join the Business Committee, or whatever. And then, of course, think about whether there’s something else you’d rather do with your life.
phillygirlruns
i really like this response – it’s something that very few people take the time to think about, and not just regarding partnership. when you’re a high achiever, you’re taught/encouraged from a pretty young age to reach for that next brass ring, whatever it might be – but not to stop and think about whether it’s something you actually want. there’s a ton of this in law school and the biglaw world, of course, but i’m sure it’s in every profession.
cbackson
I’m in biglaw, and I want to make partner. That said, it is (and will continue to be) a very tough experience. I think that unless you know that you want it – unless you look at the lives of partners and instinctively know that you want that – it isn’t for you.
Same boat
Thanks for posting! I have been thinking about this a lot in the past few months and feel like I’m in the same place. Love my co-workers and my firm and the type of work I do and could be in a good position to make partner if I really tried for it but not sure if I want to try since I don’t really like the lifestyle for the long term (yes, the partners’ lifestyles seem to improve but not by much in my opinion). I don’t really have anything else to add but I’ll be looking out for any responses to this as well.
Same place
I am in the same place as you, and I’m going for it. I’m (hopefully) less than 2 years away from partnership, and I can survive two years. And I figure–if I make partner, and I hate it, guess what? I’m now a BigLaw partner, which is significantly more credentialed than an associate, which will (again, hopefully) translate into better job opportunities outside.
Also, who knows? I might really like it. Never know until you try.
Ellen
I am pursuing partnership at the same TIME however I am keeping my options open. I am thinking of goeing in house an also becoming a judge. I also am looking to be a stay at home mom but first need to find a boyfreind to marry and suport me and Handel the finances if dad moves to Durram to teach. FOOEY! It is hardto be a workeing girl in the big city these days b/c I also am trying to stay in shape which my dad says means looseing a lot of my tuchus fat! Yay for the fitbit b/c I have lost 4 pounds but all over–not in the tuchus where dad wants! But I am comeing back in from LI with half an apple pie for the Manageing partner. Dad made me swear Jo would NOT EAT any of it. FOOEY b/c mom baked it for ME and Dad ate a lot of it.
By the time I get home it will be to late to meet Myrna so I will see her tomorow morning to walk to work. Dad says I do not have to walk home tonite from PENN Station!!! Yay!!!!!!!
No longer waiting for a proposal
Anyone have tips for getting back into dating? I was thinking of venturing into online dating again, but I haven’t done it for 6 years so I’m a bit nervous. I was young and carefree when I did so now my perspective is very different. I’ve been single for about two months and not sure if I’m rushing into it, but I also hate spending the weekends sitting on the couch or running errands, etc.
Saacnmama
There’s nothing wrong with dating, of course, but it doesn’t have to be either the couch & errands or dating. There are also museums and sports challenges and lovely walks/hikes, community lectures, coffee shops and much more that can be perfectly fun by yourself. I hope you aren’t waiting for a guy to be able to do the things you enjoy.
On dating, I can’t give advice. I pretty much gave it up when my son was born 10 yrs ago. If I want someone to be with in my old age, I’ll look for him in my old age.
momentsofabsurdity
There’s nothing wrong with dating, of course, but it doesn’t have to be either the couch & errands or dating. There are also museums and sports challenges and lovely walks/hikes, community lectures, coffee shops and much more that can be perfectly fun by yourself. I hope you aren’t waiting for a guy to be able to do the things you enjoy.
Thanks — I needed to hear that. And I agree with saacnmama!
Lady Enginerd
Fwiw, two months doesn’t sound too soon. That’s where I’m at. Just clarify what you want and learn to guiltlessly say no to anyone who doesn’t fit. Think of it as practicing asking the questions that reveal your deal breakers. After all, what are the odds that you’ll meet mr right on your first few dates back out there?
c.t.
Has anyone here been to Prague? I am going on a solo trip in May (my first solo trip ever!) and wanted to see if anyone has any restaurant recommendations or off-the-beaten path suggestions?
ouch
Yes! Yes! Prague is fantastic. One of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I solo travel a lot and it’s a very safe, friendly place. Go see all of the major sites. Also, Radost (I think) has great veg food. Don’t miss: The castle, the churches and clock in the town square, the charles bridge, the Jewish ghetto/cemetery/synagogues, the lennon wall, and the kafka museum (totally awesome if you’re at all familiar with kafka, you don’t have to be a huge fan–it’s really cool).
Equity's Darling
Ditto on all of these suggestions (it’s actually a list of pretty much all the things I did…which makes me think that ouch is my travel doppelganger).
I loved Prague so much, it is possibly one of my favourite cities ever. I also ate at Radost, it was awesome. I also enjoyed the Veletrzni museum also- it’s more modern stuff, and a bit out of the way, but I thought it was a great way to spend an afternoon. Everything that I did in Prague was so memorable- the Kafka museum is one of a kind, and the castles (and their gardens!) were amazing, and I thought the Jewish Quarter was very moving. Honestly, just enjoy the city, I wish I was going back!
ouch
heh! Are you me? Did you go to Budapest after Prague?
Equity's Darling
Maaaybeeeee- I was living in Austria on exchange, so it wasn’t directly after, but I was probably in Budapest within following week or two…
I’m making plans for Lisbon or Barcelona or Malaga leaving in a couple of weeks, given that you are my obviously my travel doppelganger, have you been to any of those place? Any tips?
ouch
I have been to Barcelona! Probably one of my top 5 cities to be honest…it’s gorgeous, fantastic architecture, great food, fabulous art museums…and oh, yeah! A beach! (although it might be a bit cold for that). Not sure what else Malaga has going besides a beach and I don’t know if it’s warm enough now in Spain to swim. Sigh…
(it’s freezing where I am, can I come too?!)
darjeeling
It was over 10 years ago but I went to Prague solo and it was terrific. People were so friendly, and delicious beer was really cheap. I’m jealous! I can’t remember any specific suggestions unfortunately (probably b/c of aforementioned beer situation).
Praha Anon
Prague is a lovely place to visit, and is incredibly safe aside from random pickpocketing so is an excellent solo travel destination. I would recommend the following (aside from the top tourist sites of castle/st. vitus, charles bridge, old town & wenceslas square): Strahov monastery & library (there is an excellent brewery- klasterni pivovar – on the grounds), kafka museum, trying a streetcart trdlnik (pastry), zizkov tower, walk up to the metronome for the view + letna beer garden, municipal house (obecni dum), opera/ballet at the national theater (narodni divadlo) or estates theater (stavovske divadlo) and of course, beer! Try the gambrinus and staropramen.
c.t.
Thanks for all the tips! I am going to save this info for my trip. I want to see an opera or go to a classical music concert–should I buy tickets before or try the box office the day of?
Kanye East
This is going to sound kooky, but go to a marionette show.
Trust me.
easylaw
Oh, I loved Prague. Make sure you visit the old town square and eat at Cafe Louvre. There are some very reasonably priced hotels and it’s a great walking city – everything is close and walkable.
anon
Check out Mark’s Daily Apple. It is not a program, but a way of life. And it’s awesome.