Weekend Open Thread

324 Comments

1. Ladies- I’ve posted about my difficult mother here before. Things are getting worse. She either needs to go to therapy and change her ways (alcohol problems, mainly) or my father will divorce her. Of course, any suggestion of therapy comes with ‘no no no i dont need that’. Okay, right…

   So, anyone have a resource for these types of people? I know that people only change when they want to and accept that they need to, so I’m *hoping* there is something out there that works for these stubborn types.

   1. No advice but good luck. The one time I suggested my mom seek therapy or medical help (when menopause turned her into a straight up basket case) she refused to speak to me for a week, while I was still living at home. After that week, she began speaking to me as if nothing had ever happened. No long fight, no “I don’t need this” no “here is why I refused to speak to you for a week.” Just silence followed by fake normalcy. Again, good luck.

      1. Oh dear, that’s pretty much what she does/will do. Silent treatment followed by pretending it never happened.

      2. Similar experience with my own mother. It was so ugly that I don’t even want to give the story. Then when my sister suggested it to her too, my mom accused me of putting her up to it (we had not even talked about it). I guess you could bring up family therapy as a possibility, but this didn’t work any better for us. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do if she doesn’t want to go.

         1. Yeah, my suggestion WAS actually family therapy, not individual therapy and I still got that response.

   2. My suggestion is that you and your dad go to Al-Anon. You can’t make her change.

   3. Al Anon.

2. It’s probably too late for anyone to see this but I seriously need to vent.

   I had an interview yesterday – 7 interviews with 8 senior associates and partners in the space of 3.5 hours (followed by a lunch with junior associates). That alone was a slog, but not the reason I need to vent. The last interview of the day was with a senior partner. After attacking me for my career choices, he spent five or ten minutes going off about how the job was demanding, required long hours, and how I would often be required to cancel plans. About how work came first and family comes second. You can bet your buttons that he made no such soliloquy to any of the male candidates for the position. I doubt I will get an offer, but I dream of getting the call just so I can tell the firm f*ck off.

   I’m so sick and tired of being treated like crap because I am a woman of child bearing age (although I currently don’t have any and DH and I are not actively TTC). Any one else have similar experiences interviewing?

   1. Why do you think men don’t get that speech? My husband has gotten that speech when he interviewed. Granted he knew because of that speech that it seemed like a horrible place to work, but I don’t know why you would think you got that speech because you were a woman.

   2. I know that the men did not get this speech because I spoke with a few of the male candidates. They got the generic interview questions.

   3. Sadly, yes. One time, a partner explained to me what a disservice women are doing by staying in the workforce when they should really stay home, as it’s a “biological imperative” that the woman raises children. No advice, but commiseration. If you like the firm otherwise, I would try not to let this one partner’s words get you down. He may consider himself recently “burned” by a female associate who took maternity leave and then quit, rather than return after her leave (which, IMHO, is not ideal but sometimes is unavoidable).

   4. I had a male interviewer ask me if my husband would survive without me if I had to travel for work. I think he was shocked when I responded that my husband does all of the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping so he probably would just be happy to get to eat an earlier dinner while I was away.

      1. Another male boss also once told me I should be working longer hours than others in the office since I didn’t have kids to get home to.

   5. To OP, if they offer you the job and you don’t take it because of this idiot, then he wins. Think about it.

      1. But then she’d have to work there for him. No thanks.

         1. Yep. However he does not win if she explicitly declines the position on the basis of not wanting to work with men like that…

   6. I once interviewed for a legal assistant position (right out of undergrad) and the woman interviewing me basically accused me of applying for the job because I wanted to date/marry a lawyer. It was so shocking I didn’t say anything. I regret never telling her to step off a curb into traffic. And that was 10 years ago. So, if you get the chance, knock it out of the park for me.

3. Hive,

   I have a hiring/application question.

   I’m looking for a job, and I recently attended a networking company mixer hosted by Company X and my business school. The people I met from Company X were very friendly and fun, and after speaking with some of them I really wanted to apply for a couple of open positions.

   There’s just one small problem. After the event, I went to meet few friends at a different bar; it was a Friday night. Because this was a smaller city, members from Company X eventually showed up to the same bar. This wasn’t a big deal, except for one Mr. Hiring Manager (who was very drunk) came on to me–trying to buy me multiple drinks (I declined) and calling me “very pretty”. I tried to handle the situation as gracefully as possible, and keep the conversation professional. Eventually though, I felt like I just had to leave. Luckily, a male friend walked past, so I introduced them to each other and excused myself.

   Despite Mr. Hiring Manager’s conduct, I really like Company X. I would love to work with most of the people there. But I’m worried–what if I do work there for Mr. Hiring Manager, and this happens again?

   Hive, do you think it’s worth taking the risk to apply and maybe eventually work for Company X? It’s a large enough business with enough offices that I might not see with this guy again. I just feel like no matter where I choose, there’s going to be one or two Mr. Hiring Managers out there trying to get some, and it might be better to know who they are off the bat, because at least then I can handle the situation. I really don’t want to lose out on an opportunity for some else’s conduct, but I don’t want to condone this kind of shiz either.

   1. If it was a different bar, did Mr. Hiring Manager know you were a potential applicant or were you “just a hot chick at a bar.” While it’s not cool to ever relentlessly hit on someone not interested, it really isn’t objectionable that a man would get drunk and hit on a woman at a bar — if that man didn’t know the woman was a potential applicant to his business. If he knew, I’d say only apply if Mr. Hiring Manager was so drunk there is no way he would ever remember the conversation. Then you are just another applicant and if he is a d-bag post hire you report him to HR. If he knew and would remember I’d refrain from applying since he will think “ah, it worked, she likes my a-hole ways and is now trying to get a job here. She knows what I want and must now be ready to give it.”

      Alternatively, apply and when part 2 happens, sue his a$$ and the company.

   2. If Schmuckface is the one and only hiring manager at Company X, you probably don’t have a chance (he sounds like the type to consider your application as proof that you regret not giving in that night). But if he’s one of several, I’d say it’d be worth trying.
      And then if you do get hired, mention this episode to your future manager after a while, to let them know they have a problem..

4. Shade Review:

   Someone here a while back linked to a sale at Shade Clothing, an adult line from the Gymboree people. I ordered things March 11 and the package arrived today, so fairly quick service.

   I bought three suiting pieces – a jacket, skirt, and pants in wool flannel, and swimsuit. (Link to follow.) I’m keeping all of it although I would not have paid full price. I’m usually a 2/4 but find that BR and JCrew suiting run super big so I get a 2 and have it altered. I ordered a size 4 in the flannel suit pieces and it all fit reasonably well. The jacket had tight sleeves, and was not fully lined; the skirt was fully lined and knee-length (I ordered the A-line version.) The jacket sleeves were a tad long. The pants were a really good fit – nice length, would work with flats or shorter heels, and a flattering cut. The lining for the pants stopped at the knees. The sale seems to be ongoing so if you are in a pinch for some decent-quality suit pieces check it out – I paid between $12-$18. The wool was slightly itchy so I will plan to wear with things that tuck in.

   The swimsuit (I got a one-piece) is perhaps slightly short in length for me, but I’m long-waisted. It’s adjustable so fits well enough for a backup suit. The legs are cut very modestly – it reads more “mom at the pool” than “hot chick on beach vacation” but since I am in fact the mom at the pool, it’s fine with me.

   1. Link to the suiting: http://www.shadeclothing.com/index.jsp

   2. Thanks.. Have a couple things in basket but was hesitant on pulling the trigger…

   3. Ah, thanks! I ordered loads of dresses ($17-$20) but won’t see them til I am stateside in a few weeks. My mom opened the box though and they looked lovely so I’m looking forward to it. I’m off for fieldwork in the fall and not sure what the laundry situation will be so I’m hoping that the silky / handwashable dresses will be perfect.

5. Has anyone had any experience with Airbnb? I need a place to stay in NYC for a week and I’m having a hard time coping with the potential hotel bill. I’m wary of hostels because I’ll likely have lots of luggage (and some valuables that I don’t want to be worried about).

   1. No but I like HomeAway

   2. I’ve used Airbnb to stay in a house in LA, and it was great. But I’d advise against using it in NYC. The city has laws against using apartments as hotels, and there have been cases where the host has been evicted for renting out his/her home, and the guests have been stranded without reservations. Don’t take that risk!

      I know there have been threads about less-pricy places to stay in NYC. Any suggestions?

      1. Although I’m sure the risk is real, it seems super small compared to the many benefits of a short-term apartment rental in NYC. I rented an apartment in Brooklyn last spring through HomeAway and it was a great experience. Worst case scenario, you would have to rent a hotel room at the last minute and it would be pricey, but I would happily take the risk again.

6. Hoping this is not too late in the thread to get some responses. What do y’all think of Raymond Weil for a man’s watch? My husband is looking to upgrade his college graduation watch to something nicer. We’d like to stick to classic watch companies, not fashion brands. I know watches carry a lot of subtle meaning, especially for men, just trying to feel out what this brand is associated with. Thanks!

   1. Oh and also any thoughts on Raymond Weil vs. Tag? Other brands in that price range?

7. Okay, here is a fraught question – would you ever date someone outside of your own race?

   I have dated people of many different backgrounds and ethnicities and never really thought much about it (I am of a minority race). Today, I had coffee with an old friend (who happens to be white) who is liberal, educated, cosmopolitan, etc and told me she probably never would “because I just don’t think I’d ever find an non-white person very attractive. And I know it would be harder to deal with anyway, with all the prejudice.”

   Is this viewpoint more common in 2013 than I realized?

   1. I hope not! I’m like you except I’m white and married to a minority, and I’m conservative, educated, cosmopolitan, etc.

   2. I have dated people of a different race and have never worried about dealing with prejudice. That said, we all have our personal preferences for attractiveness and I don’t think it is racist for a person to not be physically attracted to certain physical attributes which may include shades of skin color. I have heard guys say they aren’t into pale white girls and I’ve likewise heard a woman say she doesn’t find men with super dark skin attractive. I didn’t think either were showing prejudice just preferences. Personally, I don’t think I’d ever be attracted to a guy with long hair.

   3. Also white. I can understand people saying a specific skin tone (or hair color or height) isn’t their type, but “non-white” is so general….
      I mean, I have Italian-descent friends who are darker than some of my Latin@ friends, but they’re still considered “white”. So I kind of side eye “I don’t find dark skin attractive” people too. Skin comes in so many shades and tones!

      I’ve noticed that white girls/guys who say broadly that they “don’t like black/indian/asian/whatever guys/girls” have internalized some gross racist stuff even if they’re not violently racist. Those kinds of people are pretty prevalent.

      I don’t think prejudice should be a major deterrent from dating or looking to date someone of another race though. Isn’t that like letting the bigots win?

   4. Ugh, I hope that viewpoint still isn’t common in 2013! Personally, I’ve never had a non-white boyfriend (well, one of those was a paler-than-me, Anglo-descended Latino–seriously his name was along the lines of Seamus O’Reilly), but I’ve casually dated/drunkenly made out with guys all along the color spectrum. I seriously cannot fathom writing off a guy because his skin happens to have different pigment than mine does.

   5. Good Lord! I’m surprised there are people who still feel that way, much less say it out loud, in this day and age.

      I’m in my mid-50s and would date anybody of any race, provided he met my rather lengthy list of dateability criteria!

   6. Honestly, I really doubt this is still a commonly held opinion. I’ve actually never dated anyone of my own race. I’m white, and all my boyfriends have been East Asian or Latino. Never got any flack from anyone back home in Texas, but I’m guessing that’s because it’s a very diverse state. I did get one negative comment while visiting a very small town in the Midwest. But the guy making the comment had to be at least 80, so I doubt his comment was representative of the area’s general population.

      1. *to clarify, non-white Latino

   7. NOoooooo! Mercifully it’s not.
      But you may want to scratch this person off your friends list..

8. (My comment disappeared so apologies if this posts twice.)

   Okay, here’s a fraught question – would you ever date outside of your race?

   I have dated men from many different backgrounds and ethnicities and haven’t thought much about it (I am a minority). Today I saw an old friend (who happens to be white), and this subject came up. She is liberal, grew up in urban areas, etc etc and she told me that she would never consider it because (paraphrasing) “I just don’t think I’d ever find anyone non-white attractive. Besides, I wouldn’t want to deal with all the prejudice that comes along with it.”

   Is this viewpoint more common in 2013 than I realized?

   1. And of course, now it appears. Gr.

9. Here’s a quick but very important question that I hope it’s not too late in the open thread for:

   What is an easily and quickly implemented tool to curtail a habit of yelling during arguments? My husband and I are having some marital issues that I think could be pretty serious. I’ve decided we need counseling and will be looking into that, but I expect resistance and a bit of lag time due to schedules and finances before we get that ball rolling. In the interim, we need a fast solution to help us stop yelling at one another. Our yelling is not of the inappropriate-name-calling type. It’s a matter of short fuses and lots of tension — every conversation involves at least a sharp edge of irritation to the voice (in my case) and often (in his case) a raised voice with clear anger behind it. It’s pretty bad. And we have children — I don’t want them to hear and learn this behavior. My husband has expressed interest in finding a band-aid for this problem we can implement immediately while we work on the rest, and I think that seems like a good strategy. Any ideas?

   1. I discovered by accident that a timeout helps me calm down and figure out the underlying issue. (This happened when I had to take care of our neighbor’s cats in the middle of an argument. Sitting quietly in their living room took the edge off my anger and helped me to become more objective.)

      My husband and I also took a PAIRS course in our first year of marriage that was super helpful (www dot pairs dot com). Similar to the time out, the couple that led it told us it was okay to agree to finish an argument later and to set a specific time to do so.

      The course was also excellent in helping us to identify “dirty fighting” tactics that tend to push the other person’s buttons and obfuscate the real issues. When one of us starts to go down that path, the other will quietly say, “Isn’t that dirty fighting?” When my husband says that to me, it brings me up short, I think about whether it’s true or not, and if it is, I’ll either recover immediately and focus on the real issue, or I’ll get quiet (a mental time out) and return to the discussion when I’m able to. He tends to do the same. (Examples of dirty fighting: “you always/never”, bringing up more than one issue at a time, sarcasm, playing the martyr, pretending the other person is being unreasonable, contempt, etc.)

      Finally, one of the first things we identified in the course was our primary reaction to stress. My husband is a computer, removing emotion and trying to be objective. I’m a blamer. (The other options are placater and distractor.) It is extremely difficult for me to step out of my blame mode, but just knowing that it’s my typical response has helped me to bite my tongue to keep from making things worse during a conflict.

      I hope you can find something useful in what I’ve shared.

   2. Can you set rules? Our first year of marriage, my husband and I decided we never want to swear when arguing and don’t want to yell. We both agreed to just not do it. Sure we still want to, but we are adults and we can choose not to. If one of us breaks the rule, the second we do it we stop, say “sorry, I swore” or “sorry, I’m yelling” and then continue the conversation. The second part of that agreement was to agree that nobody wins if we just try to one-up or out-hurt the other. So, just because one of us swears or yells doesn’t mean the other one gets to. If I slip up and don’t catch it he will just calmly say “you are swearing” or “you are yelling” and if I don’t feel like I can continue the conversation on our terms I’ll say, okay, I’ll finish this later and then I walk away. It takes commitment and dedication to be a bigger person. If you are hating him right now, don’t do it for him, do it for you and your kids. Be a de-escalator instead of an escalator. Bullies need victims. If you ignore him when he throws a fit or call him out and remain mature he should simmer down. Nothing frustrates me more (in the past) than yelling at my husband and him just staring at me not responding. But, as frustrated as I get, I eventually just walk away. Things cool down instead of heat up.

   3. I just read Project: Happily Ever After. It’s about 250 pages but it only took me 2 hours to read. It’s about how to fix your marriage when you’re wishing your spouse would drop dead. It has a very useful 10-step guide at the end, just in case you don’t want to read all 250 pages. There are some helpful anecdotes throughout the book about specific fights the author and her husband had, and how they worked through them using techniques she read about to de-escalate the fight. I like what previous commenters said about immediate fixes. Good luck.

   4. It sounds really silly and you will feel silly doing it, but you can make it a rule that if you start hearing the anger or irritation in your voices you have to stop what you are doing, walk over to one another, hold hands and try to continue having the conversation you were having while simultaneously smiling at one another. Another solution that can be combined with this is a kind of safe word you can use. If one of you starts to speak with anger to the other, the person listening can use the safe word that will let the one speaking know they have to stop and count to 10 to get their emotions under control. The trick is to recognize that you both can use it and not keep score of who uses it more often.

      1. I actually really like this idea!

         1. I read it somewhere. I can’t remember where.

10. Public Service Announcement for my fellow road warrior e t t e s

    Tumi is having a 20% off sale. They never do this. I got a new roller bag and this tote (in tan and black)

    http://www.tumi.com/product/index.jsp?productId=18281346&prodFindSrc=paramNav

    I am kind of dying right now. I am so fancy.

    1. You ARE fancy! That’s one gorgeous bag!

11. I work in the marketing department at a large firm. I was a lawyer for years before I switched over. I’m in my 40s and am in the process of adopting a child as a single woman. I started this job about half a year ago and informed my boss that I was in the pool for adoption which could happen at any time and she was ok with it (and benefits are good).
    I have gotten a few calls from the agency about possible adoptions. No match so far but am wondering if I should tell my co-workers. I’m not a shy person at all and didn’t want to feel like I was springing this on people.

    And was also wondering if there are any other single moms in conservative law firms or other buttoned up places that have any advice or words of wisdom. Thanks.

    1. I think waiting until you know for sure is fine. A prior co-worker of mine (I left, not her) did this and everyone was very happy for her. Nobody felt like it was a huge surprise (and I don’t actually know whether she warned the manager ahead of time, though she probably did) and everyone understood that she waited until it was sure. That way, you don’t have to discuss all of the aspects and possibilities (and potentially why things didn’t work, though I hope that doesn’t happen for you). I would say it is similar to people not informing co-workers that they are pregnant until a certain point in the pregnancy.

       On the other hand, if you have no qualms about discussing any and all possibilities and what people bring up, go ahead and tell them if you think it’ll be easier.

    2. I don’t think you need to tell your co-workers, but if you want to tell them, then go for it. For example, tell them if you like them, consider them friends, and would trust them to be happy if an adoption came through and empathize if it fell apart. If you don’t trust them to be kind, sympathetic, or gentle if an adoption fell through, don’t tell them. In short, you have no obligation, just as no one has an obligation to inform their boss if they are trying to conceive.

12. Completely late to the open thread party, but can anyone recommend a good place to get hand-me-down St. John knits altered in Chicago?

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