Weekend Open Thread (Plus: 19 Men’s Sales Worth Checking Out!)

213 Comments

1. Love these shoes, Kat! I’m tempted to pull the trigger, but the price seems a little high. I’ll stalk them till they go on sale!

   1. Smart girl! I am goieng to Nordstrom’s next weekend.

      Yay!!!! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s!!!!

      Has any one in the hive thought about takeing their dad’s out to the beach for FATHER’s day? After all, when I was a little girl and Rosa was a BABY, Dad took us all out to Jone’s Beach where we ALL learned how to swim in the OCEAN. Dad held Rosa so she did NOT have to swim, but I was told how to swim, and then taken out to 4 foot of water which was VERY deep b/c I was ONLEY about mabye 3 feet tall. Dad then let me go and said to SWIM to him as he backed away, so I was forced to paddel the way he told me to (it is not easy to swim in the ocean), and when I got to him he would pick me UP over his head and then back DOWN again! YAY! It was fun and scarey at the same time!!!!

      Myrna is fineally getting better and she is NOT contageous any more so she is comeing out to celebreate FATHER’s day with us, b/c her family is out West some where. Also that guy Jim has some new cases so I am meeting him Monday in the office. I hope he does not start stareing at me again. Still not a PEEP from Philip (I am writeing him off, and telleing Ed that he was NOT to be my spouse), and David continue’s to text “HOW ARE YOU DOEING?” all the time. I think he wants attention but NOT marriage, so FOOEY on him.

      Have a great weekend with your FAMILIE’s. Dad is here but we are leaveing early to catch the 3:30 train home together!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

      1. NoRDstroM’S? But I thought you were loyal to Lord & Taylor Ellen!

      2. Do not let dad bully you. You have earning power! Use it!

2. Any recommendations for hot rollers?

   I have very straight hair in an awkward stage between shoulder-length and long–and my usual blow dry is failing me due to the humid summer weather. I am thinking of buying hot rollers, but am a complete novice.

   Are certain brands better or less damaging to hair than others? Personal recommendations?

   Thanks!

   1. I don’t recommend the T3 rollers. They don’t stay put, the clips are useless and leave marks in the hair. I much prefer my sister’s Conair rollers (I think they are felt or something).

      1. I have the jumbo rollers from Conair. The size is great and they work well on my fine hair. They also come with. The only thing is that the set only comes with 5 rollers, I wish there were twice as many.

         1. I meant to say they come with clips

         2. I have the Conair rollers – felt with clips. I have 6 of the large and 6 medium rollers. I typically use the large ones. My hair is also the length of TJ-hot rollers’s, and I think jumbo size would be great to add body.

            1. I use Conair large rollers. Not sure how many came with it, but I was always ending up a roller or two short, so I spent some Ulta points on another. (My hair is shoulder length.) I’ve found the rollers work best when my hair is slightly dirty. I also splurged and bought some different clips because the ones that came it were a little flimsy–the right clip is key to avoiding slippage and weird hair dents. I can’t recommend their use enough though–I always get tons of compliments when I use them and it’s honestly very little effort. (My hair is slightly wavy, and it’s way more work to do a decent blow out and/or hair straightener use.) They have been a total time saver for mornings when my hair probably needs a wash or a decent straightening but I don’t feel like doing it.

            2. Another Conair hot roller user here. Buying different clips is a must – the better ones are still cheap, and give a much better result. I have tried a few sets of rollers and the Conair felt ones are the best – they have long-lasting, even heat and give me the best result. I have also found the rollers work best when my hair has some texture – either through application of a couple of different products, or by just waiting until I have second-day or third-day post-washing hair. I absolutely love my rollers – it is the easiest way for me to get volume in my stick-straight, fine hair.

   2. Thank you to eek and Flamingo–I’m narrowing my search to Conair. Now onto tutorials…

      1. I am vastly annoyed because I got these (http://www.amazon.com/Conair-Xtreme-Instant-Jumbo-Setter/dp/B007S69QAY/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1371236293&sr=8-5&keywords=hair+rollers) which are great but they came with the stupid metal clips instead of these awesome clips. I purchased the clips separately. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

   3. Are you only sticking to hot rollers? I have straight hair as well, but I prefer a curling rod.

      1. I thought I would try hot rollers, because I get bored curling my hair, resulting in my trying to force ever-larger sections of hair around the curling iron, resulting in a mess. Also because I always feel like I’m frying my hair when I use a curling rod (like, I never know when to let go)….

   4. I have a set of Remington rollers I bought after borrowing my mother-in-law’s, and I love them because they have clips that are very easy to use instead of those awful pins. They were very inexpensive at Target and have two sizes in the set. I’ll look for a link.

      1. http://www.amazon.com/Remington-H9000-Ceramic-Heated-Rollers/dp/B003V27RB4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371239138&sr=8-1&keywords=remington+curlers

3. An extended family threadjack: I recently met for the first time my only young cousins, at a family funeral, and want to keep in touch. We have a really small family so I’m not used to keeping in touch with extended family long distance. The little ones, 2, 5 & 7, demanded (adorably) “notes and letters.” Apparently emails just aren’t good enough for this generation. ;o)

   I went through my notecard collection and found some cute ones to send this week and just wrote short little notes. But, I kind of am short of ideas to keep this up frequently, especially since we won’t actually get to see each other, ever.

   How do you keep in touch with your nieces/nephews/cousins long distance? Any ideas for cute, fun ways to keep in touch with little kids frequently, without having to think of a lot to say every time, or that cost a lot of money? (poor nonprofit worker here) Paper crafts? stickers? can it just be a note each time, or should i think of little gifts to send? How much do i have to write? What should i say? (seriously, need help ;o))

   And, since there are 3 of them, I’m assuming I always have to send something for each of them each time, and not leave anyone out? (Excepting birthdays, i plan to send each of them a book each year.)

   1. Maybe postcards of various places so they can learn something about you / where you live / what you do? Maybe they can some to you? I’d think one missive including all 3 would be OK outside of birthdays or get-wells.

      1. Postcards. I’m over 40 and still have the ones sent to me by my globe-trotting uncle who worked for MaBell.

         I send my nieces window clings for each holiday – no muss, no fuss. (Unlike stickers) And I can just stick them in a manila envelope as opposed to putting them in a box.

   2. This is adorable and so nice of you to want to keep in touch with them via snail mail. Honestly, I would pace yourself so that you can sustain this practice over time, perhaps writing them once a month. Assuming that they are siblings, I would send them all a note/short letter once a month, just talking about anything interesting you’ve done or think they might enjoy hearing about, based on their interests. (If you don’t know what those interests are, there’s a subject for a letter in itself; just ask them! You can also mention what your interests are.) For example, if one of them likes construction vehicles, you could tell them about a construction project you’ve seen, including all the equipment. Or send them a picture you’ve cut out of the newspaper. I wouldn’t get in the habit of sending them little gifts each time, b/c then it might become more about getting gifts from Cousin Zora, rather than keeping in touch. If you do want to send a gift, then stationery/cards/a neat pen would be great. You’re such a nice cousin — have fun!

      1. yeah, i’m planning on pacing myself, just couldn’t think of anything past the “it was so great to meet you!” notes. ;o) i love the finding things to cut out idea, i’ll keep an eye out for things to send. thanks!

   3. This is great! I love dollar stores for cute stickers and cards. I really like V’s idea of postcards even from your city. I LOVED getting postcards when I was a kid (I’d love it now, too!). A suggestion for books – if you have a friend who is a teacher, plan ahead and see if you can latch on to the book order. I know a lady who does this all the time to buy books. Have fun!

      1. the dollar store! that’s great. My mom is a teacher, that’s why i always get books for kids I know, nice to get the great deals, isn’t it?!

   4. This is so cute. Maybe you could print out funny comics or puzzles and include them in your cards?

   5. When my nieces and nephews were living far from me, I granted wasn’t the best at keeping in constant contact, but I would send them care packages for major holidays. It differed each year but I have done Valentines Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, beginning of the school year, and Halloween packages. I also would just randomly order them books off of Amazon prime and have them sent directly to them with a note. There are three of them and I always include something for each, unless it is a birthday or can be considered a group gift (like the giant bubble set I sent one time).

      I also sent postcards from various places I visited or just cute postcards saying I’m thinking of them. Also, they really love to skype and seeing each others faces every now and then really helped rekindle the connection. They even skyped me in one year when I was living abroad so I could see the kids open all the Christmas gifts. The kids would open the gifts, show the room, and then walk over to the computer and show Aunt S. It was super sweet.

   6. I send my nieces and nephews postcards from everywhere I travel (individually). They love getting the mail, and they all save the postcards. I also FaceTime with my nieces sometimes, which helps us keep in touch.

   7. Most kids I know LOVE getting mail. You don’t even have to bother with stickers, etc. Just sending a postcard from your travels (Any travels will do! Weekend trip to a friend in another city? Grab a postcard.) or sending a St. Patrick’s Day/Halloween/etc. card is great. The notes can be short and along the “thinking of you” variety and include some tidbit about what is on the postcard or what you did on the trip, your plans for the holiday, or anything a kid can relate to (you had really good ice cream/tried a new flavor, you took a fun walk in the park, you saw a baseball game). For the holidays you could send them a bunch of postcards from THEIR city that were stamped and addressed to you and encourage them to send you back a note or drawing.

   8. Omigosh, you all are so great! I knew you’d give me awesome ideas. And of course I was overthinking the whole thing, what a surprise! ;o)

      Unfortunately, I don’t travel to any interesting places anymore, just a million trips to the same place :oP so I won’t have that many fun postcard options. But the holidays thing is so great! and thanks for help with what to write, keep ’em coming! ;o)

      1. This probably sounds silly, but my nieces love getting postcards too, so I ordered a bunch on eBay from different cities around the world. I send one postcard a month telling them a little bit about each city. They’re 4 and 7, so don’t care if I’ve actually been to that city or not. I use wikipedia and travel sites to get fun information about each place. If I’ve been there, I tell a short anecdote about my travels there. Of course at that age, they don’t notice things like postmarks, so truly don’t care where the postcard originated. It helps them learn a bit of geography. It’s kind of our version of “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego”.

         I also send pictures of my dog and fish, and they send pictures of their pets in return. We also do the little-kid equivalent of those “about me” memes that pop up on blogs. Like “10 things about Auntie” and they respond in kind. It helps us get to know each other too. To be truthful, getting mail that’s not bills is pretty awesome too…even if the letters are sometimes written in crayon.

         1. that is so cute! I love geography, that sounds like such a fun way to teach them about the world, thanks!

4. Today I saw a post from the Bloggess in which she asked commenters to note anything that helped them with depression. Several people said that going gluten-free had helped. Has anyone here heard that?

   1. There’s a link between celiac disease and depression. You’d have to have a gluten sensitivity for that to help, though.

   2. It’s hard to say for me because I changed jobs and was diagnosed celiac (thus going gluten-free) at basically the same time. One or the other (or both) did take care of the depression, however. I have a feeling my depression issues were more job induced than gluten induced.

   3. Going gluten free helped my depression enormously. I no longer require any medication. I have also found, through personal trial and error, that moderately high fat (healthy fats) and low sugar helps, too. Whenever I find my self headed into a depressive episode, diet is the first thing I try, and it usually helps. I’m not saying that diet causes all depression, or that gluten free is a cure for depression, but it has been enormously beneficial for me.

   4. Cutting out dairy helped me immensely, as did limiting my refined sugar.

   5. I think fish oil/omega 3 capsules are supposed to help. I notice that PMS is not as bad when I take them. Also sunlight– sounds stupid but when you work a lot you don’t get much.

5. Anyone else having a day that will not end?! I am so exhausted today and can’t wait until I can officially go home. Anyone have fun weekend plans?

   1. *raises hand* having a day that will.not.end. Really glad it’s Friday. My weekend plans include spring cleaning that I didn’t get to in the spring (which I’m actually looking forward to).

   2. Seriously won’t end. Last week I was slammed with work, but this week has had nearly nothing (I’ve billed .5 so far today. Ugh.) I’ve asked all week for more (I’m still fairly new, so I’m trying to tell myself that’s it.) I really want to go home and see my baby, not waste time here trying to study up on any area of law that I can think of that might come up.

      If the nice weather holds, I’m hoping that we’ll get to bring the baby (6 months) on his first trip to the pool this weekend. Also, my husband got me a coupon for a blazer (as in, he drew a picture of a blazer and wrapped it and gave it to me) for our recent anniversary, so we might go out shopping to look for that. Not super-exciting, but I’m looking forward to it.

   3. I hate Friday afternoons normally, and tomorrow I fly out for my trip to Paris, so today is dragging even more than usual!

      1. Well, I’m having a hard time feeling sorry for you. :)

   4. I’ve had a couple of endless meetings today. I’m heading out of here at 4 to attend my 25th high school reunion. I wasn’t planning to go, but a couple of people talked me into. I’m staying in the dorms (boarding school!) and a number of my female classmates aren’t bringing their husbands so it will hopefully be a lot like it was 25 years ago.

   5. Ugh, it’s nearly 9pm here and it’s been such an long, emotional week and my prospects for a relaxing weekend got dashed. Off to Norway next weekend though for my bff’s wedding and a few days away, just need to survive til then.

   6. It is my birthday on Sunday.
      Going to brunch with few friends, getting a hot stone massage late afternoon. Spending the evening at home with good takeout sushi and wine.
      Planning to gift myself a black purse (still trying to pick between coach madison satchel or Rebecca Minkoff).

      This will be my first birthday after a breakup of almost 4 year long relationship which coincidentally started off with a first kiss when I was out for drinks on my birthday 5 years ago. Seems like an era has gone by. Going to cherish the day and pamper myself even if mostly alone with family and best friends far far away.

      1. Happy birthday!

      2. Happy birthday!

6. These are really cute! Love the velcro.

7. I want my hair, which is pretty much straight but has a very slight wave to it, to look like this: http://tntnewsroom.com/king-maxwell-photo-gallery/

   Whenever I try to curl with an iron or rollers, I wind up with giant beauty pageant hair. How does one get this look?

   1. You might be using too large of a curling iron. I use a 1-inch curling rod/wand, and I get this effect.

      Also, the longer the time your hair stays attached to the heat, the more curly your hair will be. So if you’re using a curling iron, I’d experiment and release your hair before the entire curl gets hot to the touch.

      Make sure you’re curling away from your face, too. I’d really try wrapping your hair around the curling iron (like how you’d use a curling wand) instead of clamping it. I find that you can achieve a less tight curl this way as you spiral downward, not upward.

      1. +1 to all this. 1″ iron, I use a non-clamp iron and just wrap (away from face) around the wand, and only hold everything on for 2-3 seconds.

   2. Your hair is like mine, headband curls work for me. The trick is to make the sections big so you don’t get shirley temple curls.

      http://sorellasalon.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/tutorial-no-heat-headband-curls/

   3. I use a flat iron to curl (google a tutorial on youtube) and I only do it at the very ends of the hair. So, I use the flat iron the regular way down the whole clump of hair until I get to the last two inches or so and then I do the wrap around trick. You could also do this only in the middle of the hair.

   4. The Beauty Department did a great post on what each size curling iron does and accompanying pictures.

      http://thebeautydepartment.com/2013/04/what-does-each-curling-iron-do/

   5. Make sure you’re curling in the right direction. It’s ok if it looks like big hair at first. You can come it out to soften it or wait an hour or two and it’ll fall a bit to get the look you want.

   6. I asked something similar last year and found out I’d been using a curling iron incorrectly. There are great YouTube tutorials on how o use it properly and it has made a huge difference for me. It’s hard to describe, but instead of starting at the bottom and curling up, you start at the top and curl the top chunk, release the clamp a little and drag the iron down, then re-clamp and curl, then release it again and pull the iron down, etc.

8. I’d love to buy a pant suit instead of a skirt suit for once but I have trouble finding pants that fit. The halogen Taylor’s work well on me but the few halogen suits I see on the Nordstrom site are either denim or have a non traditional jacket style. Any suggestions for conservative suit options which would fit a curvier figure? Bonus points if it is on sale right now or if I can try it on in person in DC. I am a sz12 on top and an 8-10 on the bottom.

   1. Get your pants tailored. It’s an easy fix to take in a gaping waistband. I do it myself because I sew, and I know it’s a fairly easy fix to make. It shouldn’t cost too much. And makes SUCH a difference in the fit. And if your issue is something else, buy a pair of pants you could return and take them to the tailor for a consultation so you can see what they would do & how much it would cost.

   2. I’ve had good luck with Ann Taylor (P City or Metro Center) and Calvin Klein (Nordy’s, maybe Macy’s?). I find I have better luck buying black or neutral pants and then getting jackets that “go” but aren’t a complete match. It’s way easier to find pants that fit than a full suit IMHO.

9. Anyone have info or thoughts on the J. Crew Miri pump? They have a color I really want but no reviews any where. I want them for work. I am between sizes ( order up or down?) and have knobby narrow heels. Thanks

   1. I haven’t tried them, but reviewers elsewhere indicate you should size up and that the toe box is narrow — I seem to remember this from reviews at j c r e w a f i c i o n a d a [dot] b l o g s p o t [dot] com [leave out the spaces]. I think Belle @ caphillstyle likes them, and she likes Zara shoes, which are too narrow for me.

      1. I second this! The toe box was too narrow for my feet, which are pretty average in width. They are also a very inflexible shoe- they certainly haven’t given any over time so I rarely wear mine though I love the look.

10. Has anyone played with hair chalk? I’m feeling kinda stuck in my look and thought it might be fun to experiment with color–not for work, obviously!

    I noticed some for sale on Hautelook, and was thinking of buying some.

    What colors work well? I’m thinking either royal blue or hot pink! Thoughts?

    1. I don’t know what hair chalk is, but I got this for my nieces:
       http://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Hair-Color-Stix-31680/dp/B006VWQTQA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371238242&sr=8-1&keywords=crayola+hair

       They use it all the time and they convinced me to wear it, too. The pink and the blue work pretty well. And it washes out.

11. So I guess male plus size models are a thing now? Not to be unfair to this guy at all, he seems sweet, but I love how female plus size models are hardly even plus size and have no stomach, cellulite, etc., usually, and then there’s this guy — hairy arms, beer belly and unshaved face and voila, buy this Lacoste shirt… Not sure what my point is or if I even have one, but had to share: http://www.6pm.com/lacoste-tall-s-s-jersey-v-neck-t-shirt-obscure-blue

    1. Whoa! I know I should be for this in theory, but I just can’t get behind this “real dudes, who look like they haven’t shaved in 3 days” look.

    2. He’s definitely true to life.

    3. I think this photo is offputting because the shirt doesn’t seem to fit him correctly. It almost looks like it’s snug across the model’s belly but too loose elsewhere. Along with the stubble, it looks a bit sloppy.

       1. I just looked through the other pictures and all the shirts are very long on him. If it’s a big & tall shirt, shouldn’t the model be big & TALL?

    4. Whoa! Not to be mean toward this guy, but where did they find him? Under a bridge? Seriously, so-called “plus size” models generally look like regular models, but with a larger chest. I have more fat on me than most of those women, and I wear a size 6.

       If this is the male plus-sized model standard, then I think I am married to a model–he’s big and tall, and wayyyy better looking than this guy! (Hmm… new source of revenue???)

    5. I’d bet he’s not a model, but some guy from accounts payable . . . .

       Many of their female models look like they’re not professional either. I actually prefer seeing clothes on “real” people. One of the things I like about Zappos/6pm is that their photos don’t look overly perfect. I like being able to see when hems look rumpled, etc.

    6. I think he’s a fit model, not an actual model. If you look through sites like 6pm and Zappo’s, some of their female models are not attractive either.

    7. Oh he looks really proud of himself in the 2nd picture, it’s kind of endearing.

    8. Wow. Y’all are really rude.

12. Random question. Assuming this whole IVF thing works out, we might actually have a real, live baby in our house in a year or so. Similar to the “questions to ask before getting married” thing, what do you think are the important questions to discuss before a kid shows up? Especially, what are the ones you never would have thought of before you had kids? (We’ve gone over things like public vs private, how to talk about God, what we want our kids to eat, family rituals — all the starry-eyed things people who’ve never had children make all kinds of soon-to-be discarded decisions about.) What is it likely we’re missing?

    1. You might talk about disciplining your child. For instance, I want to avoid spanking, but my husband thinks it’s appropriate sometimes.

    2. Who does what for baby? I knew couples where the dad would get up in the middle of the night & bring the baby to mom to be fed. I thought it was silly because I was going to be up anyway feeding the baby, so why would dh need to get up too?

       How is the baby going to be fed? Will he support you if you decide to breastfeed?

       How to deal with major holidays now that kids are in the picture? Will you still go to visit family on Christmas, or will you want them to come to you?

       Do you know how your or his parents grandparent? Are there any issues that need to be discussed or worked out?

       What about circumcision? This can be a big deal for some couples/families. Vaccinations can also be a big deal.

       Date night – I recommend setting a day & time for date night (even if it’s just to watch a movie in the living room while baby sleeps in their crib). It’s really important.

       Crying it out? This is another controversial topic & helps if you ‘re on the same page with this.

       Are your current household chore responsibilities going to change or stay the same once another person is in the house?

       1. These are really good. I’d add to discuss how the two of you will deal with work – i.e., how long will you each take off, will you both go back at the same hours you do now, if you’re using day care, how will you handle pick ups/drop offs, how will you manage when the kid is sick/has a doctor appt, how will you manage if one person has a work emergency come up and can’t pick up, etc.

          Might also be a good idea to try to read some of the forums at some baby sites, just to try to get an idea of what is on parents’ minds at different stages, what their frustrations are, etc.

          I’d also caution that every baby is different (Mine’s the best), and they can be really unpredictable, so definitely agree to be flexible. Good luck!!!

    3. Talk about what your parents did well and what you want to do differently. What are your favorite memories of childhood? Who is your child’s guardian if something happens to you? Do you have strong feelings about medical practices/procedures (shots, circ., etc)? So many parenting decisions you really won’t have the ability to make until you see what works for your child/family. There are a million right ways to parent a child and a few wrong ones. Your ideas about what is ok will change too. I was a staunch no tv for little kids and now I pray for 15 minutes of PBS programming to keep my toddler seated while I get dressed in the morning.
       If you are looking for some more intellectual reading about parenting, I really like Brain,Child e-zine. The essays are well written and thought provoking.

    4. I’m not a parent, but this is what I thought of off the top of my head:
       Where will the baby sleep–separate room, crib in your room, your bed?
       What kind of diapers?

    5. I don’t have kids yet, so the topics that come to my mind tend to be the starry-eyed kind as well! Such as:

       What will be your policy for giving gifts at holidays/birthdays? Will you set a gift limit/budget? Will there be experience-based gifts?

       Family vacations – will the types of vacations you go on change based on age?

       What extracurricular activities do you want to expose your kid to? And how strongly will you push activities if the kid protests? (flashbacks to piano lessons….)

    6. Someone mentioned this above, but interactions with grandparents is something that I think is important to discuss. My in-laws were over the moon excited with their first grandchild (DH’s nephew), but the lack of communication and direction coming from BIL and SIL quickly spiraled into a lot of hurt feelings.

       I also think this could be a good time to re-set relations with families – like in the case of BIL, pre-kids his wife was the one who would reach out to my in-laws for family plans. Once the kids came along, SIL just dropped off the face of the earth and BIL does not take the initiative to contact his parents. This was a source of a lot of hurt in those early days of the first grandchild because MIL and FIL felt left out. (I also think that MIL was very overbearing in those early days, wanted to be included 100% of the time which was completely impractical, and was offering a lot of unsolicited, annoying advice (and getting very huffy when it wasn’t taken), so I understand both sides).

       Some items to discuss: Holiday spending limits or number of gift limits for the grandparents (MIL tends to go overboard at Christmas and BIL/SIL wanted to prevent their house from getting overrun with toys), frequency of visits, babysitting, social calendar setting, etc. My in-laws have had all sorts of tensions with my BIL because of things like this and just assume that me and my DH will not place limits on what they can and cannot do with our hypothetical kids because we’ve seen how hurt they are by BIL’s actions. My response has been, “um, no, but at least we’ll be upfront with you about limits and not be passive aggressive like BIL.”

    7. My DH and I (no kids yet), have been talking about how to handle that very first week back from the hospital – for his parents it will be their first grandchild and they will want to be there immediately, and its really important to me that we at least have a few days to get settled by ourselves and get into a routine before having anyone over. Another thing that created a surprising amount of discussion was how to go about setting and enforcing rules, which mostly had no conclusions except setting a united front.

       TBK, I’m wishing you all the best for your treatment! We also have had fertility issues, and I’ve been following your questions here for awhile. I hope it all turns out well for you!

    8. TBK – no advice but here’s to needing all that advice soon!

    9. So many of the best-laid plans go totally awry when you finally meet the baby and see what his/her personality is going to be actually be like. I thought I would breastfeed, but my daughter was having none of it. Depending on how well your baby sleeps, it might be nice to have family around the first week. I had no medical complications during pregnancy other than feeling crappy the entire 9 months, but the delivery was a bit traumatic for my body and I really needed help that first week (could take a looong time to go to the bathroom, for example, because I had to wash stitches every time). Also, my feet and ankles swelled terribly after delivery, but strangely not before, making it hard to walk around once my daughter was born. We basically lived on my mother in law’s sofa the first week, because I needed and really appreciated the help (and our relationship has been occasionally rocky). So you might want to talk about what kind of support you can arrange for when the baby is first born.

       Other issues other people have already mentioned – where do you go for holidays? How important are those holidays to each of you? To what extent will the baby be expected to adjust to your life, as opposed to your life adjusting to the baby’s schedule? Does your partner harbor deep-seated beliefs about what a pregnant woman should eat/drink (had a co-worker whose husband was intimately involved in her daily lunch decisions… seemed weird to me). How does your partner envision the ideal division of labor between you two? I find that even if you’ve “agreed” to a certain arrangement, a person’s upbringing can be an insidious influence on the reality of how that arrangement plays out.

       In the end, kids are super resilient, and as long as they have your love, there’s not too much you can do to ruin them forever.

    10. I agree with the previous suggestions, but wanted to add one thing as a fellow IVF’er – be prepared for anything. My IVF procedure resulted in twin boys. The first six months of their lives are a blur. Just be flexible, let people help you and enjoy it. Good luck!

13. Does anyone have a Westin Heavenly Bed and care to share a review? Thank you!

    1. No, but every time I stay at a Westin I get a little closer to buying one for home.

    2. I have been sleeping on the Westin heavenly bed for the past three years. It has been great! I highly recommend it. I like the fact that it is plush yet somewhat firm and does not sink down in the middle after so many years and you never have to flip it.

       1. Thank you – I’ve read so many reviews where it sagged, so I’m glad to hear that you’ve had a good experience. Do you rotate it at all (i.e. North to South)

14. Does anyone have a go-to jeweler in DC? I’m looking to size/slightly-redesign family heirloom rings. Yelp has good reviews of Market Street Diamonds in Georgetown, but I thought I’d check here for ideas as well!

    1. We used Ascot Diamonds in Ballston for our wedding rings (including my engagement ring) and really liked them. Ask for Paul.

    2. Tiny Jewelry Box and Liljenquist & Beckstead at Tysons. The head jeweler (Steven?) at L&B works on the Hope Diamond when it needs to be serviced, so he’s legit :-).

    3. iGorman Jewelers would probably be great for this (although maybe pricey). I was very happy using them for a contemporary-style custom order. The store is downtown D.C.

    4. I’ve had good experiences at both Tiny Jewel Box and iGorman.

15. How the division of labor/logistics will change if you will both be working after the baby. What your method of getting them to eat vegetables will be (hide them in the food, not give them dessert if they don’t eat them, force them to stay at the table until they eat them). Whether you think kids should get an allowance and if so, at what age/how much. What chores should they have to do just because and what chores will you give them to help them earn extra money? What are your thoughts on medicating a kid for ADD/anxiety/etc. How will you handle punishments? How much conflict do you think it is okay to have in front of your kid?

    Thankfully we’ve been able to compromise easily on these but our different backgrounds didn’t really become apparent until some of these issues came up.

    1. Whoops, this was supposed to be a reply to TBK

16. Epic fail alert that I am embarrassed to tell anyone in my real life about:

    I just got home with some supermarket items I bought for dinner. I go to a big supermarket with a lot of prepared food options, and since I’m exhausted, I just grabbed some fried chicken. I cooked some asparagus to go with it and put it all on the plate… and then realized when I bit into it that the fried chicken was RAW. It totally doesn’t say that anywhere obvious on the package, and it was on a shelf right next to chicken I know is ready-to-eat because I’ve bought it before.

    The really sad thing is that I was so busy reading something that it took me until, like, the third bite to notice.

    In my defense, I moved to a new city this week, have a new job starting on Monday, and have had several really long days getting organized.

    So now I am starving and waiting for the stupid chicken to cook in the oven. I’m not going to drop dead of poisoning from this, am I?

    1. Hugs and rawrs. That is the most hilarious and sad thing ever. Maybe speak to a nurse/doctor over the phone and see if you require testing or something?

       1. Or, perhaps, RAWrs? :D I think Ellen caps are justified here.

          1. RAWR RAWR RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR, just for you ;)

    2. Oh yuck. I’m pregnant and dealing with all day morning sickness (worse in the afternoon) and I just dry heaved after reading that… But then I laughed out loud. Sorry that happened! Rest assured- we’ve all been there!

    3. Um, we did this with beef bulgogi from CostCo once. It’s pretty gross once you figure out what’s happened.

    4. You probably won’t die, but I’m shocked that you actually want to eat that chicken after eating it raw. I once took two bites of undercooked chicken from the grill and I was off chicken for about a year.

       And yes, we’ve all been there and done equally silly things.

    5. No, you won’t drop dead from food poisoning. Don’t worry about it unless you start feeling sick. Then call your doctor and tell them you likely have salmonella…

       Also, I would pretty much always assume that fried chicken is already cooked unless I got it from the freezer section, so I don’t think it’s that much of an epic fail:-) It’s entirely possible it was with the ready-to-eat chicken and the supermarket just screwed up cooking it.

    6. You’re probably fine, but as a vegan, I am so icked out by the eating of raw chicken. Any chicken really, but raw meat really does me in.

    7. Sorry if I grossed anyone out! And thanks for the advice on health — so far I’m fine other than a mild queasiness from having just eaten raw chicken, but I think it’s just mental with no real symptoms. We’ll see.

       And to be honest, I didn’t particularly want to eat the cooked chicken, but hunger and tiredness won out over the ick factor tonight.

       Next time I go in that store with my brain switched on right, I’m going to try and figure out their chicken-shelving system to see if the epic fail was on my part or theirs.

    8. Probably won’t drop dead :). If you start to get sick (diarrhea/vomit) go straight to the dr/urgent care. They will be able to help get it through your system sooner, with less ill effects than you trying to ride it out on your own.

    9. Ugh. I also ate bad food for lunch. I had been storing in them in work fridge, intending to eat them… but I guess I waited a few days too long. Turns out edamame goes sour. Ew. Discovered after I had thrown it in with another salad.

       So I got a guilt-free trip to Wendy’s for lunch. Nothing held me back from getting a small frosty.

    10. We have a weekly breakfast at work, and the person assigned to bring food today brought a spoiled fruit salad. My coworker said it tasted funny and asked me to try it, I said definitely bad. Then we checked the package – use by 6/13.

17. Just something kind of funny and sweet: I’m leaving my current job next week, and my about-to-be-hired successor and I have the same first name.

    (And we’re not named Sarah or Kate or Jen or anything equally likely to cause overlap.)

18. Do I tip the people who are installing my new water heater?

    If it makes a difference, I rent, and am in a large city.

    1. No… double no.

19. Oh god – I just have to vent. I can’t even any more. My boss (who owns the company) has a very loud voice and I can hear all of his phone conversations. I’ve had to endure him today discussing (among other things) all the women he’s dating (including the use of charming words such as “broad” and more detail than I want to know about anyone’s sex life), a detailed history of nose jobs in the women in his family and the line, “It’s good to have a nice piece of ass when you walk into the office.” Lord give me strength. Headphones aren’t helping and I’ve worked for him for 5 yrs so it’s not new, I’m just really not in the mood today.

    1. FOOEY ON HIM, RAWR

    2. I know it’s not funny, but I’m laughing at the idea that anyone really talks that way, especially where other people can hear him. Good Lord, that guy sounds like a serious jerk. And he owns a company? SMH.

    3. I’ve suggested this before, in less practical situations, but is there any chance you can, after he makes some really offensive sexually suggestive comment about women, make an equally offensive comment about men? Like, if he says it’s really nice to see a nice piece when he walks in the office, smile sweetly and say something like, “Oh, I know what you mean, I always appreciate it when the fed ex guy is here, he looks so … nice in that uniform.” And just amuse yourself with how ridiculous you can get. If he’s really outrageous, he can’t exactly fire you for making explicit comments….

20. Is anyone familiar with the University Club on 16th st? One of my friends is in the club, and the way he described it made it sounds fascinating. I was wondering if any of you had thoughts on it and perhaps how much it costs?

    1. Yeah – I’ve been to a few parties on the roof. It depends on the scene you’re looking for — I would go with him and check it out. I got stuck talking to some super lame dudes, so that altered my opinion of the social scene. However, my parents stay there when they come in town (Dad’s boss is a member) which is a sweet benefit. The one thing I like about DC is that you don’t have to join a private club to hang out with the “cool kids” if that’s important to you (I don’t mean this in a pejorative sense in the least and have many friends who are members of clubs and love it!). I personally draw the line at places like Smith Point :-).

    2. I am a member and have loved it. I was a young thing and new to the city when I joined. I used it mainly for the gym and to have a refuge from work and some place to go after work since the traffic was always horrid leaving DC. I have met a ton of interesting people that I otherwise might not have.

       My background isn’t of the private club sort and many of my friends there didn’t come from that background, either. [And we weren’t even close.]

       Now, I’m also grateful that they have more things for members with young children and using reciprocal clubs when I travel.

21. I have two friends coming to stay for 5-6 days next week and I want to make their stay as enjoyable as possible. I live in a small apartment these days so we will all be sharing a bathroom. Sleeping arrangements are (a) my bedroom, (b) an air bed in the loft, and (c) the sofa bed in the living room. One of the guests is coming from Australia and is staying longer than the other, so I thought I’d give her my bed. The other guest is coming from Colorado and is staying for a shorter time. Should I give her the air bed while she’s here, and take the sofa bed (least desirable option) myself?

    Also, any other hints for being a good hostess? Any thoughts on things with which to stock the fridge, for example?

    Also, is it okay for me to continue with my regularly-scheduled daily boot camp classes as long as I invite them along and make it clear they are super welcome to come or not, as they choose?

    Inquiring minds want to know…

    1. Good for you. I read a few helpful tips here awhile back, which included things like maps of touristy areas/destinations/public transportation. Favorite snacks are also nice. Also, letting guests know ‘expectations’ – they can make breakfast/coffee/help themselves whatever. I don’t think it’s rude to go to your boot camp, plus it gives them a bit of their own time to read the paper, drink coffee, make breakfast…

    2. I would stock the fridge/pantry with a variety of drinks and snacks. Sometimes I even open the box of cereal, crackers, whatever so that people know that they can help themselves and don’t feel weird about opening new boxes.
       I think you are fine continuing the daily schedule. They may enjoy sleeping in or having some down time.

    3. If I were the guest, I’d be uncomfortable with taking your bedroom. It’s really nice of you to be willing to do so, but your guest is likely to refuse and then you may get into a “no, really I insist” “no, no, I insist” sort of debate.

       1. Good point. I’ll offer in a way that hopefully makes it clear I really mean it, and if she declines I will yield.

       2. I agree completely. I might give up my bedroom for my mother/parents/grandparents, but I think your grown friends can handle the couch. You are providing them a huge amount of hospitality/comfort/saved $$. So give yourself a break so you aren’t uncomfortable in your own home.

          I would NEVER accept if a friend offered me their bedroom. I would feel like a huge imposition.

    4. So nice of you to offer your bedroom, but I’d probably decline if I was your guest. Unless you know your guests are super high maintenance (I can think of one of my friends who would mind), I think it’s fine to go to the daily bootcamp.

       I usually leave my houseguests:
       – a map and/or list of places within walking distance for them to explore or get a snack when I’m not around (coffeeshops, bars, corner store, nail bar, etc)
       – a house key and compact umbrella
       – a basket of extra washcloths in the bathroom, in case they prefer a fresh washcloth for every shower/face washing (I don’t use washcloths often so who knows?)
       – towels & a guest soap on their bed
       – the coffee and tea making implements so they can help themselves if early risers
       – pantry/fridge items: variety of snacks (fruit, yogurt, baby carrots, nuts, chips, crackers, cheese). I generally don’t have bottled water, cream for coffee, or non-water cold drinks (juice, soda, or seltzer water) around, so I pick up some of that as well.

       1. Second all of this. Sometimes I’m working when I have guests so I made a little laminated “guest sheet” that I leave on the coffee table. It’s basically all the things I would want to know when I’m crashing with a friend.

          – internet network & password
          instructions on how to operate the TV/DVD player/Netflix [so they don’t get bored when I’m out]
          – list of the TV channels & corresponding numbers
          – a mini map of the nearest subway/bus stops
          – a list of a “points of interest” in my neighborhood (coffee, bar, lunch place, etc)
          – name of a gym near me that offers day passes
          – directions on how to get to the nearest running trail

    5. If you want to give one of them the choice of the sofa bed or the air mattress, that might be a good idea. But make sure she isn’t the first to arrive – having someone show up and get the bedroom would kind of suck.

       Review your daily routine with them – when you tend to get up, go out, come home, go to bed, etc. So they know what to expect and plan accordingly.

       If there is public transportation in your area, have maps and schedules. Tourist brochures from your city would be good too, but don’t make them read it if they don’t want.

    6. Aussies like tea.

    7. Kind thought about offering your bed but from a practical perspective, it does impose extra inconvenience on your morning routine if your wardrobe, face stuff etc are in the bedroom. Also, for a 5 – 6 day visit, I know I’d want full access to my bedroom to close the door from time to time for some private breathing space.

       My other thought is to be prepared for ‘traffic jams’ at the bathroom in the mornings and evenings. Your friends are on holiday and won’t mind a more leisurely schedule but you may need to budget in extra time to get through your regular routine before work and such.

22. Can anyone recommend any good, comfortable but cute flats or sandals for feet that are wide in the front, but normal/narrow at the heel?

    1. Mine feet are similar – slightly wide in the front but normal/narrow at the heel. I’ve had good luck with Kork Ease (except for the t-strap styles) and Gentle Souls. Also, the Naya sandals from Naturalizer.

       1. Also, while not all CH shoes work on feet (freq. narrow), something like this should be good: http://www.colehaan.com/colehaan/catalog/product.jsp?catId=100&productId=560455&productGroup=560388

23. Oy vey, ladies.

    I did something horrible yesterday, and, although everything seems to be okay now, I feel just completely horrified with myself. The terrible sick feeling in my stomach, and all.

    Happy 3-plus year relationship, almost year long distance, which is to end next week, yay. The entire time, no really terrible issues, some smaller freakouts on my part about various little matters, but nothing stands out. We talk several times a day, etc., all as expected. I should also note I have some (apparently major) anxiety issues, and I have a tendency to ruminate and freak out and assume the very worst. This is something I am actively working on.

    Well, yesterday, my boyfriend happened to spontaneously go to the movies with his brother. I must have called him right when the movie was beginning, because he (obviously) did not answer or call me back. I have no idea what in the world happened to me, but I started getting really, really angry. Everything was normal prior to this. (I am so embarrassed to even write this, oy.) Then my Mom told me – heh- about a tornado warning there. To make the story short, it’s like my brain short-circuited or something when I couldn’t immediately reach him, and it’s like I was just seeing red in a mixture of anger (assuming he was ignoring my call or wanted to break up with me, with absolutely no evidence to back this up and out of the blue) and being convinced something terrible happened to him. I am so embarrassed that I called him easily eight or ten times and texted (yes, textem, the horrible shame) him several, let’s say, not-nice messages. It wasn’t until the movie was finished that flabbergasted he called me and I finally returned to semi-reason.

    I have *never* in my life done something like this, and I really am a generally reasonable and non-clingy person. I promise. But I really don’t know what happened to me last night and why I behaved in this immature, terrible way? The whole thing is okay now, but I am left with a horrible feeling about myself and my own self-respect and behavior now.

    Does anyone please have any insight or words of advice, besides therapy? I reiterate I am fully aware that this was a majorly bats*** thing to do.

    1. Why do you say, “besides therapy?” You have anxiety that is negatively impacting your relationship by causing you to behave in a way you don’t like. That is just the sort of thing a therapist can help you with.

       1. +1

          I actually really admire you for posting this and thinking carefully about what is going on.

          This is the kind of thing that could scare away your boyfriend for good, so I strongly encourage you to do something serious to take care of yourself.

          I also have an anxiety problem, so I understand where you are coming from.

          1. It’s was/is due today/tomorrow! Good point!

    2. My dear. First off, HUGS. Look, this happens. If my DH doesnt pick up the phone for an extended period of time, I have been known to make up terrible scenarios in my mind. If we were in a LDR and there was a tornado warning where he was, well, all bets are off.There’s a corporette thread from a while ago that shows that I’m not the only one who plays danger scenarios in my mind, either.
       LDRs are rough. Emotions can fester and be brought to a boil in the absence of clear/frequent communication. And the anger – well, that’s less common, but its a good thing that you recognize (and seem so repentant about) the outburst you had. Apologize to your boyfriend in a heart-to-heart. And the next time you are about to fly off the handle or jump to conclusions, remind yourself about this incident.
       Then, chill. Take time this weekend to de-stress and reduce your anxiety – eat, sleep and relax for a bit.

    3. When is your period due?

       No, really–that sounds like the kind of hormone-induced rollercoaster that we look back on afterward and wonder how it could have happened. (My sisters and I call it the “Stop insulting me, you LIAR!” syndrome, based entirely on real events.)

       Forgive yourself–it was an anomoly–and move on. If it happens again, get thee to a therapist.

    4. Congratulations (?!?), you’re human. You were worried about someone you
       P

    5. Congratulations (?!?), you’re human. You were worried about someone you love. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just take a few more days to process.

       1. Weird. Guess I shouldn’t go to happy hour?

          1. Oh why not. By the way, we’re having fabulous pear cocktails at home and they are just as good as the ones at Sei!

             1. I’m impressed! Quite the accomplishment. :)

    6. I wouldn’t worry too much – mostly because you say your bf called you “flabbergasted”. If you said “he called me, sounding worn down and miserable as usual that I was acting like a lunatic”, it would be cause for concern. But it sounds like a weird confluence of moods / events. Also, you say that the long-distance is about to end next week, and that you have some anxiety issues… so maybe those are related? I’ve found that even good things that I’m looking forward to can cause me anxiety, so maybe that’s making something bubble up? Sounds like you have a good bf and a pretty solid relationship, so hopefully you can forgive yourself and probably laugh about this at some point.

    7. Long-distance set to end next week? I suspect that you’re feeling some anxiety beneath the surface – even if that’s a good thing, it means change, and change is frightening. That would be my guess.

    8. When I was super depressed last summer, this is exactly the kind of thing I would do. I would just fly off the handle randomly with no provocation. One thing that my husband has mentioned as being really helpful to him was that I recognized the effect my mental health issues were having on him. My mom has mental health issues, and one of the things that’s most frustrating is that she absolutely refuses to acknowledge how her actions impact the rest of our family.

       Also, I’ve found that, for whatever weird reason, telling him what’s going on helps a lot in making me more stable. If I can, I try to tell him that I’m feeling anxious/unstable before I go of the handle, which will often help prevent me from going off the handle. So, in your case, I would have texted him when I first started feeling anxious, “Hey, I’m starting to get really anxious, and I’m worried I’m going to spiral out of control, I’m really sorry if I do.” And then I probably wouldn’t actually spiral out of control (I would discuss this strategy with him before hand, so he understands that it’s not a passive aggressive way to get him to call you back).

       I don’t know if this will help, since depression/anxiety issues can be very individual, but I hope if can at least give you strategies to think about.

24. I need some advice from other experienced professionals. I work for a boutique market research firm on the East Coast. Our company has been having financial problems for several years now. About 6 months after I was hired I had to take a 5% pay cut, which was re-instated 8 months later. Then about 4 months later, 10% pay cuts, followed by another 20% cut a half-year later. Suffice to say that I’m not making much money right now. In an attempt to keep me from leaving, they have given me a lot of flexibility in my schedule. I currently work 32 hours a week (3 days from home, 2 days from the office), I still have all of my benefits, I received an extra week of vacation, and I was promoted to a Director level. These things have certainly made the pay cut bearable. However, I’m still waiting for a paycheck from last week. Today it’s a week past due, and I’m not sure when I’ll get paid next. In a week we are owed another paycheck, and I’m not at all confident that that one will be on time. My question is: For how long do I work with no pay? I don’t want to be perceived as a disloyal member of our leadership team, but I don’t think I can do this to my family any longer. The time that I spend working for my current company really could be used to search for a new job, which I obviously need. I am currently interviewing and doing everything I can to network, but it could be several weeks/months until I have an offer. What are your thoughts? Should I ask to be laid off? Should I ask to be cut back to 20 hours/week (and hopefully keep my benefits)? When do I approach my supervisor? Or, should I just be thankful that they haven’t cut my position, and keep working with the hope that I’ll eventually get paid?

    1. Definitely do not keep working with the hope that you will eventually get paid. Have you asked to speak to someone regarding the paycheck? Approach your supervisor NOW – a week’s paycheck late is a BFD. Ask them to wire it to you immediately and compensate you for any overdrafts, etc.

       Honestly, I would stick around for the benefits, take as much vacation time as you want, and find another job ASAP. You make an implicit agreement with a company – they pay, you work. If they didn’t pay, I’m sure you wouldn’t work there out of the good of your heart. So if they stop paying, I think you are totally fair to stop working, though for appearance’s sake, I wouldn’t make it obvious.

       1. I casually ask about it every day, but the answer is always that they can’t pay us if they don’t have the money. It’s apparently a cash flow problem — they are waiting for our clients to pay us. We have other problems too, of course — no upcoming work.

       2. If they aren’t willing to offer some kind of stay bonus or retenti0n package, I doubt you’re going to get paid. They’re taking advantage of you.

    2. Read the following from Ask a Manager:
       https://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/have-i-been-laid-off.html

       http://www.askamanager.org/2012/09/my-company-isnt-paying-us.html

    3. It’s illegal not to pay on time in my state (CA). Check with your state dept of labor on this, and definitely document your requests for payment and their responses.

    4. Yeah, they’re taking advantage of you for sure. Use whatever time you need to conduct your job search (discreetly). Worried about being a bad team player seems a bit irrelevant at this point, it makes no sense to work for free, especially indefinitely.

    5. You most likely have both a state and federal DOL claim. The managers or anyone else who would know they couldn’t make payroll can be PERSONALLY liable to pay you. You can also get triple damages in many states. Contact the DOL stat. State is probably quicker.

       1. +1. Also, go file for UI.

25. Inspired by the question above regarding keeping in touch with younger cousins… I’ve been feeling like I should have stronger ties with extended family, most of whom are long distances away. This is complicated by the fact that I’ve distanced myself from my father, who was extremely abusive, but the rest of the family doesn’t “get” what my issue is, so I have for some time closed myself off. Any suggestions for building/maintaining ties with family long distance? I know this is a really vague question but any thoughts on how you maintain those ties when life and distance intervene would be great.

    1. I try to use birthdays as a sort of touch base point. I have some family that lives abroad and I don’t talk to them nearly often enough but I try to always call on birthdays and then in the process find out what their kids/spouse/etc. are up to, then I can follow up if say someone is going to camp and wish them a nice summer… It just makes it easier to get the ball rolling. Also, sharing pictures works well for this. I have some friends I don’t see often now who moved away but they always send me pictures of their kids, etc., and it’s an easy way to email back and go, “wow, so cute” or “how was disney,” etc.

26. Hey preg anon — I tried on those pink and pink spectators at Kate Spade yesterday and was quite relieved (for my wallet’s sake) that they weren’t for me. Didn’t fit at all and the rounded toe didn’t suit me. But they are so so pretty. I am coveting a Kate Spade cosmetic bag in the new orchid print but I won’t pay full price for it.

    Shopped til I dropped yesterday – bought too many shoes. We’ll see how packing for home goes!

    NOLA

    1. Oh, that’s interesting. I have them and LOVE them. Kate Spade shoes are my absolute favorite as far as both style and fit/comfort! Too bad they didn’t work for you!!!

27. Anyone know about the fit/ quality of Dorothy Perkins? Belle from Capitol Hill Style recommends her all the time. Lots of cute stuff there.

    1. I used to live in the UK. DP runs short, generally (they do carry some items in talls). Quality is not very high…I’d say akin to Gap or Zara…fast fashion, trendy, not going to last forever, but fine for now.

28. Have any of you lovely ladies grappled with stage fright? I used to have no problem delivering speeches and engaging big groups of people. Then out of nowhere, about ten years ago, I developed stage fright. Now my heart starts racing even in meetings where I might present. It’s miserable, and really holding me back. I’m actually getting depressed about it. I took Toastmasters and now I feel completely comfortable in the Toastmasters gatherings – but it’s barely translated to my work context.
    I was considering taking an improv class but now I worry that, like Toastmasters, it won’t help me at work. Any thoughts or suggestions would be so helpful. As would commiseration. :)

    1. I had something similar happen in law school – even though I had never, ever before felt uncomfortable speaking up in classes or giving presentations in front of a lot of people, I suddenly found myself getting so nervous and turning bright red when I spoke during class. I think two very unrelated things caused it:

       1) Not being as comfortable/confident in what I was going to say. Even though everyone else was in the same boat, I sort of gave myself an inferiority complex as I listened to super confident people talk all the time, and second-guessed my own intelligence. Tried with a decent amount of success to overcome it by pretending like I was acting in a play – I told myself that I just had to act super confident and well-prepared and fake it till I made it, and

       2) Birth control. It hasn’t caused me to be some crazy hormonal mess, but I have noticed that I both cry more easily on it and react more intensely to nervousness and embarrassment. Can’t do much about it, unfortunately.

       I realize my experience might be sort of one-off, but I wish you luck – it’s not easy!

    2. I’ve noticed that I’m more anxious than I used to be too, for no particular reason — mine is not specifically around public speaking, but I definitely got it when I went into interviews on a recent job hunt. I don’t have specific advice on improving your skill at speaking, because it sounds like you’re doing the obvious things anyway. But what might help is to just make peace with your stage fright and just accept it as part of your preparation. Expect it beforehand and try and ride it out. If you tell yourself it’s normal for you, it makes it less scary. In my case. in my first couple of interviews I found that I couldn’t sleep the night before and it was freaking me out because I knew I wouldn’t perform well, and in fact I didn’t. But I started to expect the insomnia in subsequent interviews and made sure I planned around it and avoided the panic reaction.

       In your case, if you already think that an improv class won’t help you, there may not be much point doing it, especially as it sounds like you are an experienced speaker. But if you can replicate your work nerves in that context and develop a way of handling them that will transfer back to work, that probably would be worthwhile.

       1. Thank you so much, Roses and Double H, for your perspectives. This helps me immensely – both your excellent suggestions and also knowing you’ve gone through it, too.
          Something that might be of help to you, Double Hoo, is the Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy on body language. If you just put those terms into google it’ll come up. It helped my brother a lot for interviews.
          Thank you again, ladies.. :) And sorry for the weird double post!

29. Have any of you lovely ladies ever dealt with a fear of public speaking? I used to be totally comfortable with delivering speeches in front of large groups — but about ten years ago, out of nowhere, I developed weird stage fright. Now my heart starts pounding even when I’m about to speak up in meetings — official “speeches” are something I dread for days before. It’s miserable.
    I’m considering taking improv classes. However, I joined Toastmasters and though I’m built up a comfort in those sessions, it hasn’t translated to work. I’m afraid improv will be similarly useless.
    Any thoughts or suggestions? Or commiseration? :)

    1. I have this. It started as a child at a low level – like when I would have high stress sports competitions and auditions/competitions in music programs. It actually got better in college, but then worse as I got older when I have presentations at work. And now it has only gotten worse with age…. my heart even races when I raise my hand to ask a question sometimes!

       Definitely relaxation techniques/mindfulness can help, as it is very much possible to get a grip on this (mind of body), but for real high stress environments this often isn’t enough.

       Many of my musician friends were on a beta-blocker medication, as the stress and importance of an audition or high stakes performance were not worth messing around with. There are some professional orchestras where the majority of wind and brass players are medicated for this reason!

       Part of me keeps telling me that the more I do it, and the more confident I get in my job, the more it will decline. But I think it is getting worse since as I get older….. as I am stretched thinner and thinner at work and never feel as prepared as I want to be…. even if I am actually “prepared enough”.

       So… beta blockers…. hmmmmmmm…..

       1. Thank you for your reply, frugal doc! Ugh, I hate it. I’ll come back and let you know if the improv classes work. I really want to believe this is conquerable, dang it.

30. Warm Fuzzy for Friday Night: My toddler is sick (boo) and sleeping on the couch beside me. Our ancient cat just got up and is snuggling his back. Usually, they walk a wide circle around each other. That is all. ;)

    1. Okay, that is precious.

31. I am writing because I am a dysfunctional loon. I just accepted a job that I’ve wanted for years and never in a gajillion years thought I’d get. And instead of being thrilled about it, my stomach hurts. What if I f*ck this up? What if I am not experiencing impostor syndrome but actually AM a fraud? What if my family ends up in a van down by the river? I am the primary breadwinner and insurance holder.

    What the hell is wrong with me, and why can’t I just enjoy this? I have to pull myself out of it, because I feel the surest way to enter a f*ck-up tailspin is to start freaking out about f*cking up.

    Am I alone?

    1. You are NOT alone. I am in the midst of this as well, although starting to come out of it. I started my ambitious dream job about six weeks ago and was/am losing all sorts of sleep over it. I would/do get through the day just fine and then lay awake at night thinking that it is going to get harder and I won’t be able to deal with it. So, here’s what’s getting me through:

       You hear a lot of places that “doing things you feel like you’re not ready for is how you grow” and how exciting things happen. People neglect to tell you about the fact that it’s sucky and scary for a while when you do things you feel like you’re not ready for. I was very gung ho to take on all sorts of new challenges because somehow I thought I would gracefully and easily step into the role. Like, in my head, I would somehow be a baby bird who gets kicked out of the nest… but then SOARS off into the sunset. It’s not happening that way. I am the baby bird who got kicked out of the nest and is mostly flopping around and occasionally achieving small bursts of flight, which are amazing. If something new is easy and comfortable from the get-go… you’re going to outgrow it very quickly.

       So, recognize/accept that the anxiety means that you’re stretching/growing/expanding your horizons and feeling some growing pains. You’re not alone in any way and CONGRATS on getting the dream job!!

       1. Non, thank you so much! This actually makes me feel a million times better — better, oddly, than any classic you-can-do-it pep talk. The baby bird analogy helps immensely. And congratulations to you too!

32. I need help in dealing with a colleague whose work product sucks.

    Back story is that I’m a grad student (in the natural sciences) and I’m doing a lab course with two other people (let’s call them A and B). We are supposed to write lab reports and will be graded on them. Naturally, we thought to divide the work so everyone would write part of the report (one experiment each). We’ve already assigned the parts and started writing.
    B showed us the draft of his report a week ago and it was bad. Like, really bad. It was about a page long, there were so many spelling mistakes and words were missing and it was clear he hadn’t made an effort. So A and I told him to re-write it, what else to include (he hadn’t included all the data and images previously) and to proofread it. I actually told him twice to check for missing words and spelling mistakes. B told us he would do all that.
    Two days ago we got the updated version. The intro is exactly the same (spelling mistakes and all), he had just added the pictures at the bottom. The results section consisted of one sentence: “We wanted to know what elements the sample consisted of, the software did the work for us and here you can see the results.” [some numbers follow]

    Honestly, I don’t know what to do. B obviously has no idea how to write proper lab reports (despite having completed two other lab courses which are required parts of our program) and it’s obvious that he doesn’t really care about the course anyway–he complains all the time that it’s boring, that he doesn’t want to do it, that we just sit around wasting our time. A and I keep wondering why he’s actually here then, as it’s an elective course and he might as well have chosen something else at the beginning of the semester. I don’t know what else to say to B because I’ve already told him to pay attention to spelling and gave him a detailed list of what to include in the report and he didn’t follow through.
    As I see it, there are two options: completely re-write his part of the report (resulting in more work for A and me) and let B get away with it, so to speak, or accept that B’s part of the report is just bad and hand it in like this, probably resulting in bad grades for all of us. I don’t want to do the latter because his work is embarrassing and would reflect badly on A and me, but I also balk at doing the former because I don’t think it’s fair that two people should do all the work and B gets an undeserved good grade for little work.

    Help?

    1. Option2. You re-write his piece, get your good grade. Feel free to be snarky about it to him, if it makes you feel any better. Unless, of course, you have some reason not to care about your grade.

       I’m kind of surprised it took you until grad school to realize how much group work sucks when you have a slacker in the group. I learned this lesson in like, the 7th grade (not at all trying to be snarky–it’s just that I’ve ALWAYS loathed group work, for this reason. It’s worse when you have a friend in the group that’s terrible, so you have to factor “feelings” into things.)

       From a corporate perspective, I am far more critical. If it’s someone I will work with again, I do the heavy-lifting/writing, but keep them coming back to see the edits and drafts. I let them know why I’ve changed things, and what works/what doesn’t. I also send a nastygram and cc their boss/manager once things escalate to a point of absurdity (“we agreed you’d do X, Y, and Z (see below for the 6,000 emails you sent me telling me you’ll do it…still don’t have Y and Z, and X is incomplete…copying [boss] so s/he can fill in the gaps.”) I am also not above sending along group work to (internally) with a note saying “if you have any questions about [my part], contact me…for questions on [incompetent coworker’s part], contact [coworker].” But I have a very, very low tolerance for stupid people with no interest in changing. To be fair, I have a very HIGH tolerance for people working hard to be better at their jobs, even if they are B players.

       1. I would work towards getting a good grade even if it means redoing someone else’s work. In college, I damaged a couple of solid friendships due to friends on my senior design team who wouldn’t pull their weight. A slacker leaves the burden to the rest of the team.

          Fast forward to the corporate world. It’s demoralizing working amongst slackers. I give a person a benefit of the doubt to do their part, but I also recognize a trend. If they cannot provide me with the support I need, I find a workaround such as finding someone else to assist. In your case, this could mean rewriting the report. You, A, and B should meet to review the detailed list previously provided and go over the edits. Team members don’t have the same work ethic.

       2. Believe me, I know how much group work can suck ever since the undergrad class where we found out two days before the paper was due that one guy had just copy-pasted all of his ten pages from the internet and then added wrong sources to make it look like he was citing correctly …

          Anyway, I re-wrote most of it last night and A will re-do the rest because we both care about our grades. Thank you!

    2. I agree with the other posters that you’ll probably want to redo the work in order to protect your own grade.

       Is there any oral or presentation component to the assignment? This is usually where I like to call slackers out a bit – toss some questions over to B by saying, “Oooh, that’s a good question, that falls in the area that B covered… B?” Depending on how terrible the response is, you can either let B flounder alone or step in with something along the lines of, “B, if I may, just an additional thought I had…” Presentations are a great time to make clear who is knowledgeable about the subject.

    3. Ooh! A question up my alley! Postdoc here. The short answer is to ask the teaching staff. Here is my long answer having been on the other end. This so so common of a problem…kids become science majors because they hate to write/public speak and then (surprise surprise) it’s a rude awakening when they transition from problem sets to actually having to explain their work in written or spoken form. I’ve seen people fail out of grad school when they can’t make the transition to think for themselves (and writing really is where that weakness is revealed. Painfully at times.).

       This guy could be being a lazy slacker who is “too busy” doing “real work in the lab” to focus on classes, in which case he’s a jerk and taking advantage of you. More likely he needs remedial writing help. It is in his best interest for someone to put his/her foot down and make this guy get the help he needs before it gets worse and he fails at something even bigger than a lab report. Strongly suggest that he take advantage of a writing center on campus, or go get help from the TA. Don’t take the time to fix his stuff – be selfish and make him seek out those resources (also a skill he’ll need in advanced science education).

       If you’re in a PhD program (so grades don’t matter as much) leave his work as is and include a paragraph explaining which authors did what and have each member of the lab group sign it. This is standard practice in top-tier journals now and won’t look funny to the teaching staff (but once they read the lab report in its entirety it will be clear that it’s a vote of no confidence in his work. This will ultimately be good thing for his career if it leads him to fix holes in his education.) the teaching staff may well assign different grades to different members if there’s a huge disparity in quality. This isn’t a 200 person gen Chem lecture … This is a small class. They know the players and have seen samples of each person’s work before.

       Sorry if this is somewhat less coherent than I’d like … On my phone. Will likely reply later with a real computer in a more coherent fashion.

       1. Ok, the only thing I have to add is that you should definitely ask the teaching staff before hanging him out to dry… but have no qualms about turning in his section as is once you’ve told both him and the TA of your intention and you’ve put in writing who did what. When submitting papers for publication, I have to write a summary of which author contributed what data/analysis, and I always required that of my students when they wrote a lab report. Usually I assign group lab reports to give me fewer to read and not for any educational reason (i.e. to teach my students how to work in a team), and I have definitely assigned separate grades on group lab reports when it’s clear who did what.

          Seriously, you’re doing the guy a favor by making him face an honest evaluation of his work. Take the time you’d spend fixing his stuff fixing your own section of the lab report, writing a killer into/conclusion demonstrating that you understand “his” experiment and/or doing your own thesis research. If you’re in a PhD program, your grade and ultimate GPA don’t matter nearly as much as what you learned from the class, and learning how not to be a pushover is almost as important as the science. Trust me, the former comes in handy more frequently than the latter.

       2. Unfortunately the university only offers academic writing courses for people who are already working on their PhD project and neither of us is that far along. But I like the idea of finding a few sources on how to write good lab reports and forwarding them to him (if he reads them is another story, but I guess I can say I tried). And yes, I will ask the teaching staff if we can label our individual parts according to who wrote what. Thank you!

    4. I ran into this with an undergrad stats class. We had a group project and my roommate and I decided to work together, and then got a third person assigned to work with us. Roommate and I put SO much work into that project and the class in general, and the other guy just didn’t hold up his end. He didn’t understand what was going on very well and always needed our help (but could almost never make it during the hours and hours we spent working on it.) When he did do his sections they were short and not very well done. We ended up re-writing at least some of it to save our grades and then talking to the professor about it at the end. It was super awkward and I’m not sure if we handled it the best, but at least he didn’t get to totally free ride off our work.

    5. As a professor what I’d also like to see is you setting up a meeting with me, where you show me the communication back and forth with your group members and then also the documents at each stage of what your lab partner is doing. In past group projects when it’s clear that someone is slacking, I’ve taken them out of the group and had them responsible for their own papers. I recognize that most people don’t like group projects, but in some areas they make sense, if that actual work is often done in groups in the real world. Research and reports often are. However, my goal in assigning group work isn’t to make individual members suffer, and I appreciate knowing the problems early on so I can do something about them, as opposed to people just covering over it. Especially in grad school — a prof needs to know about the true abilities of the students.

    6. Thanks to everyone for their perspective and advice!
       As written above, I re-wrote most of his part last night. I’m not sure what I’ll be doing for the next lab report (yes, there is more than one), but I think I’ll end up talking to the professor/TA if we can just write our name on the section to make it clear who is responsible for what. Technically, we are supposed to get individual grades reflecting our ability anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem. A and I also have decided we will talk to B again and tell him to pull himself together a bit. That will not be a fun conversation, but it’s a good life lesson for me, I guess …

33. Hello all, was hoping someone could help me find some blue sandals for my wedding (in two weeks – gasp!) I have a silver pair that are my back-up, but still am holding out some hope I may be able to find something blue. I need: size 9.5, wide/C width, and FLAT (my fiance is about an inch shorter than I am). I’m open as to style, my dress isn’t that ‘frilly’, so any sort of gladiator/thong style may work, depending on material. You really can only see my toes peek out from underneath my dress sometimes, but still, I’d love to have a little flash of blue down there! Thanks!

    1. What about these open toed flats? http://www.zappos.com/seychelles-know-what-i-mean-cobalt
       They’re a M width but the review states that they run wide.

       1. Oh, too cute! Thanks, I’ll give those a try!

    2. I also found these: http://www.zappos.com/bella-vita-sade-ii-teal They’re more on the turquoise side of things, but still cute.

       1. From the reviews, they seem to run long, but there are a lot of sizes available in many widths, so they may still work.

       2. Those Bella Vita sandals in the silver are my backup shoes! But the wedding colors are true-blue, grey, and white, so I need to stick with blue-blue, rather than teal. Which is rather difficult, apparently teal is very popular this summer.

    3. How about these? http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Street-Womens-Trinity-Turquoise/dp/B0042744LS/ref=sr_1_74?s=shoes&ie=UTF8&qid=1371327791&sr=1-74

34. I hope you wonderfully thoughtful women can help me. Any thoughts, criticisms, etc. much appreciated.

    One of my friend groups is composed of middle-class, white young adults who were all raised in pretty non-diverse (in all respects) suburbs or rural areas. Now we all loosely fit in the demographic of young urban professionals or artists — NPR-listening, liberal-ish, try-to-stay-informed and think-we-are-relatively-open-minded (even when we’re not, myself included)**. I’m the only minority in this group.

    Occasionally, one person will make a remark, which to me screams of cultural insensitivity, ignorance, and/or casual racism but the rest of the group either ignores or doesn’t recognize the offensive nature. I don’t say “wow that’s offensive” even though I want to, because I find blatantly going on the offensive is less helpful than trying to combat the underlying assumption critically.

    But: I’m so bad at thinking on the fly, so my critical commentary usually comes out less intelligent, to the point, or effective than I would like. I’m naturally introverted, and I take a loooong time to formulate my thoughts into sentences that say what I really mean. But in these situations, I need to say something right away because 1) conversations in social settings like these move on quickly, so I’d miss the boat, and 2) I don’t feel as if I should let such statements be. What do you do in this situation, or what would you do to improve if you were me?

    **I hate throwing all the above labels for the sake of trying to briefly give background – I realize the perjorative connotations – and, well, I’m applying them to myself as well.

    1. When these things come up, sometimes I think saying something right away doesn’t always help – it can make people feel defensive and also, as you said, forces you to think on the fly. Have you considered mentioning something to someone one-on-one a bit later? Just sort of casually saying, “Hey, I’m positive you didn’t mean for it to come out this way, but just wanted to give you a heads-up that what you said could possibly be interpreted as XYZ.”

       I think it’s especially tough to bring up in the demographic you describe, because saying something in front of a group is especially embarrassing when that group prides themselves on being open-minded or tolerant. Obviously, if it’s offensive or blatant enough that you feel like you must say something at that moment, then do… but if it’s unintentional, you’ll probably have more success in getting people to rethink and examine their underlying assumptions if you can put them in a situation where they don’t have to feel defensive. Making someone feel embarrassed and awkward in front of their friends will probably result in them focusing on how uncomfortable they felt, rather than addressing the root cause of their comment.

    2. I agree with LAnon that address the issues one-on-one might be more helpful. FWIW, I absolutely fall into your friend groups’ demographic–and I would really want to know if I had inadvertently said something culturally insensitive, etc. I would be mortified, but I would want to know.

    3. I think its important not to give people a pass on this stuff, but its usually not effective to tell them where they are wrong but help them see it themselves. Usually when someone makes a casually racist remark, I will just ask – what do you mean by that? Where did that come from? I’m not sure how those two things come together etc… and it is usually in their attempts to explain or rationalize the see the error…. I think its being a good friend.

    4. Oh, just say something. Honestly, as a minority, there’s nothing worse than whiny thin skinned Obama liberals who gather around to pat themselves on the back about how progressive they are but have to be catered to like a bunch of children when faced with the complaints of an actual POC, rather than, you know, the filtered second hand outrage of a whiny white feministing blogger.

       I treat my white friends with respect and get it in return.

       And Alice: here’s a thought – when POC take the time to explain yet another micro aggression, don’t make it all about you. It’s not a good quality.

       1. Honestly, didn’t mean to offend. OP seemed like she was really hesitant to comment on something that should be commented on, and I wanted to give a point of view that would perhaps make her more comfortable saying something. And I don’t know the specifics of what was said to OP at all. Perhaps you could back off a bit.

       2. Elle, how is Alice saying she would want to know making it all about her? There are a lot of angry generalizations in your post; perhaps you could provide helpful feedback, like everyone else seems to be trying to do.

          FWIW, OP, I’d tell them. One on one, if that is how you feel more comfortable, but you should help them understand that it is offensive, and if they are truly your friends, then they’ll figure it out and stop.

          And I respectfully disagree with Ellie below. I think asking them to repeat it is just passive-aggressive, and making a joke of it minimalizes the importance of bringing up the subject.

       3. I don’t have a suggestion for the OP but I’m wondering, Elle, is calling the OP “whiny”, “thin-skinned” and childish part of how you treat people respectfully? I think you’ve offered us a great example of how not to approach the situation – as LAnon pointed out, making someone feel uncomfortable and defensive isn’t the best way to change their way of thinking.

       4. Your post is spot on, Elle, and I think the racial microaggressions that came out as a response to this post are very telling.

          1. Yeah, because “whiny thin skinned Obama liberals” and “whiny white feministing blogger” aren’t racial aggressions at all.

    5. Your description reminds me of my own situation that I face very often myself. It’s only slightly different because my friends, when they say things that are slightly offensive or even discriminating about other social or ethnic groups, they often don’t consider me in, though I fall into that group. In that case, I know it’s not meant as an offense against me although their comments make me awkward nonetheless. As other commenters have pointed out, and I wholeheartedly agree, when you tell your friends at this point their comment was offensive, the sensitive balance at this points needs to be met because if your friend feels embarrassed at your comment, chances are he/she will not think properly about the offensive character of his/her comment, which makes matters worse.
       Like most offensive comments, I’ve always found it useful to ask the speaker to repeat or explain the comment. In a more good-tempered tone, you could hint at the offense behind the comment, without being too harsh and building tension yourself. However, this point is difficult to meet, it depends on the situation of course and the other person. It’s particularly difficult if it was someone very convinced of his/her opinion and when the comment was made seriously, not partly jokingly.

    6. Our workplace sensitively training recommended saying “ouch” in a low key way those situations. It’s serious enough to let people know that something was off about what they said but light enough to not make it intense. I’ve tried it a few times with success and is pretty much the most useful thing I’ve gotten out of trainings like that.

35. Thanks to everyone who gave advice about my DH losing his job for poor performance. He started his new job Monday and is very happy. He is meeting a Doctor today and we start marriage counselling this week.

36. I just got a Brazilian wax, just to see what it’s all about and I hate how it looks, I miss my neatly trimmed hair but existent. But, since it was a wax, I’m sort of locked into this look. Yes, first world problem, but I’m pretty upset.

    1. Hugs! It is kind of a shocker, isn’t it?

       But it’s just hair… it’ll grow back!

    2. For about a week. Seriously.

37. I have a question about tipping. I’m in NYC and I virtually always take the subway. I could probably count the number of times I’ve taken a cab in the 3.5 years that I’ve been here. My current job offers car service after billing a certain number of hours in the day and staying past a specific time at night. I just have to call and schedule the car and work pays for it. The service charges about double what a yellow cab would cost. I always tip yellow cab drivers, but I’ve never used a nice car service before so I’m not sure of the etiquette. Do I tip the driver? If so, how much is appropriate? They charge my company about $50. I feel so out of my element just even thinking about hang the service!

    1. You do not need to tip the driver.

       1. Thank you! I was feeling a bit stupid for not knowing.

38. Does anyone have a recommendation for a hair straightener and curling iron? I have thick, wavy hair that is down to the end of my rib cage. I would like to spend under $100 on both, but want very good quality. I also would like a curling iron with a clip and on the larger side since my hair is so long. Thanks!

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