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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 158 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Dolce & Gabbana Tuxedo Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Dolce & Gabbana Tuxedo JacketThere are a lot of gorgeous pieces (and deep discounts) at Barneys New York's big sale. For this morning's TPS, though, I'm ogling this wool tuxedo jacket by Dolce & Gabbana. Yes, a bit boring, but come on — it's a total classic. It was $1,725 but is now marked to $689 (limited sizes, alas). Dolce & Gabbana Tuxedo Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Hourly Employee

    Sorry for the immediate threadjack –

    I’m a new employee at a professional firm and get paid $10/hr. I work part-time, and last week (which was the end of a pay period), I worked 14 hrs. I checked today, and the direct deposit was only $60, so I’m pretty sure I was paid for one day and not the other. Should I bring this up with someone? My boss and supervisior are both absent today. Can I directly email HR? What do I say/ask?

    Thanks!

    • Anon

      The check you got may have been for the pay period before this one that just finished. You might want to check your paystub to make sure the pay period is the one you’re thinking of before going to HR.

      • Ellen

        That hapened to me at my first job, and they said when I asked that they were JUST testeing me. So I would not hesitate to be askeing them what the story. You do NOT want to be to caveleier about it b/c you are NOT makeing that much! If they complain to you, just tell them FOOEY and ask for $20 / hour. YAY!

        My dad had a great father’s day b/c Rosa, Ed and the kid’s came down and we all ate Italian food. Dad really like’s Calzone’s and I am a big fan of Veal Piccatta, so we have a good resturant near us that know’s dad and alway’s seat’s him in the BAY window. It is good luck the chef, Louigi, say’s. Rosa was very pretty, I think her being pregenenat helps her to be more radeint, even after the baby! She is still nurseing, and that is I think why she look’s so good.

        Dad was nice to me and did NOT say anything bad about my tuchus for a change. I told him men seem to like my tuchus just the way it is and mom agreed. YAY!!!!

    • mascot

      Have you seen your check stub? That would show you the hours worked and whatever taxes were taken out. Email HR and tell them you have a question and ask how to get a copy of your paystub. You may have to sign up for online statements with their payroll company, but HR should be able to direct you who to contact.

      • Hourly Employee

        I’m pretty sure I have the pay period right, but I’ll ask to see a copy f my pay stub so I can see exactly what the situation is.

        • goldribbons

          You should be receiving a copy of your pay stub, even if you have direct deposit set up. Also, you should save those copies for about 3 years IMHO.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Yes make sure you get and keep copies of your paystub. Do a quick check to see that required federal, state, and local taxes are being withheld and that your hours and pay rate appear correct.

            I learned part of this the hard way when switching states while working for the same company and not noticing that state taxes weren’t being withheld when they should have. It was a painful realization on tax day.

            Congrats on the new job!

    • TCFKAG

      So answering questions like this is literally what HR is there for – just call the and ask what was included in your last pay check and if you can see a copy of your pay stub. There are lots of explanations as to why this could have happened – mistake, taxes, different pay period – but the only people who can tell you for sure are HR (and if your bosses were there, they’d probably point you towards HR anyway.)

    • Hourly Employee

      Figured it out – the pay period is different for full-time vs. part-time employees. Makes sense now. Thanks for the advice!

  2. AIMS

    Gorgeous, but I don’t think you should wear a tuxedo jacket to work. I have a tuxedo skirt that I bought last year on sale, and while it’s gorgeous and has the most amazing silk lining, I almost never wear it because, ultimately, it’s not meant for “work,” but for after-hours. Sadly, I don’t have enough fancy work functions to fill up my evenings and make tuxedo blazers/skirts a worthwhile investment. This would be awesome for going out in general – but probably not worth the massive splurge for that purpose.

    • TCFKAG

      I feel the same way about the couple pairs of tuxedo pants I have – I wear them occasionally to work – but then always end up feeling vaguely self conscious. I’m not even sure why except that they’re shiny and therefore for “evening” in my mind.

      • Ginjury

        What exactly is the difference between a tuxedo and a work suit for women? Is it just a nicer fabric?

        • Bonnie

          A tuxedo generally has a narrower lapel and more luxurious details. If you look at this one closely, there seems to be velvet trim and buttons.

    • NYC

      Yeah, I used to have a tuxedo jacket that I wore all the time on the weekend. Pre-kids. I just tried a lovely Elizabeth and James one on (at Nordstrom rack) and realized I would wear it twice a year. Sad face.

    • Ellie

      I can’t see much on my screen of this suit, all I see is only it’s black :( so it could be my screen is showing the fabric incorrectly, but to me, it looks like a usual black suit. It says it’s wool and elastane, so that would be normal fabric for a suit either … does the fabric look a bit shiny? From what I see here on my screen it seems OK to wear this suit to work regurlarly … aside from the shoes, as always

      • AIMS

        There are velvet accents and the buttons are velvet. This puts it into not-daytime-office category for me. The tuxedo skirt I have has similar details (grosgrain) that just make it a bit off for daytime.

        • Velvet

          So if there is velvet, this is for winter, no? Like holiday party attire when you want to be covered up a bit or just warm?

  3. Anon

    Need help wording a tricky email. Last year, I applied for an overseas public policy fellowship. My former boss (a very busy man) was kind enough to write me a recommendation. I received an interview last January, but declined it because I wasn’t ready to walk away from my current job in government. Now the list of accepted applicants has come out, and I’m not on it (obviously). How should I notify my former boss of the outcome, without making it seem as if I wasted his time on somthing I dropped out? If it matters, the election played a role in my decision to stay in my current job. If things had gone differently, I would have absolutely pursused the fellowship. But at the time of application, I had no way of knowing that outcome.

    • imho

      I strongly recommend that you do not mention the election. Especially in an email, where tone is hard to read, it may come accross as demonizing members of a political party with whom you disagree. Why take the chance of a misreading?

      • Anon

        Sorry that was unclear. I meant that if the election had gone differently, I would have lost my job. Not demonizing anyone…just would have changed my employment status, leaving me free to do the fellowship.

      • TBK

        Actually it depends. She says she’s in government. I took that as meaning that the outcome of the election created more/better opportunities for her. That’s totally legit, especially if she’s in DC. Especially especially if the person writing the rec was similarly impacted by the election. (Btw, that’s why we watch elections like they’re a competitive sport. Typically half the people watching literally have their careers on the line since it’s their bosses up there getting elected…or not.)

    • mascot

      Do you have to notify him at all? He;s your former boss, is he otherwise invested in the list of candidates? It’s possible he thinks you just didn’t make the cut. If he reaches out and asks what happens, you can always thank him again for his recommendation, but the timing/fit just didn’t work out.

      • OP

        I assumed it was bad manners not to circle back and let him know how things turned out. I’ve always done that in the past, as a courtesy to my references. Maybe it’s not necessary though?

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think it’s necessary, particularly after such a long time. I doubt he cares, and in general I only let people know if I got the job. Otherwise it’s just depressing all round.

        • n.

          I always thank my letter writers after they send off the letters, and that’s it. If he’s a busy guy, I doubt that the letter/fellowship is at all on his mind, and it does seem unnecessary just to write and tell him that you didn’t get it.

    • goldribbons

      “Thanks so much for taking the time to write a recommendation in support of my application. As you may already be aware, I was not selected for a position. I did receive an interview and feel your recommendation was instrumental in that. Hope you’re well.”

      I know that’s not beautiful but you asked for some help so that’s some quick help. I think sending an email or note is really considerate.

  4. Out in the open, but not obnoxious

    There have been numerous posts and discussions about LinkedIn here, but they generally seem to assume that there’s some reason to hide one’s activity. I’m unemployed, looking hard, really want to build up a network. I’ve just started trying to use it and have some questions.

    Some people have a tag line after their name; where do you put that in?

    When I ask to be in the network of a person I don’t know, should I send them a note?

    Some people have big, chunky, wordy descriptions of things while others have just a few short line; which is better? Should I list out professional activities that aren’t jobs in the “experience” section?

    Any other tips for a newbie?

    • Anon

      I would not ask to be part of someone’s network you don’t actually know. I ignore those requests and wonder what people are thinking. I think it’s a place to track your existing network, not to build one. If you’re looking for a job, more detailed resume info will help recruiters find you.

      • Diana Barry

        Ditto; I always decline invitations from people I haven’t met, unless they are out of town and I’ve corresponded with them on email, etc.

        • Anonymous

          Me too, with the exception of people who send me a note and provide a reason why they want to connect. For example, I have had a couple of people I don’t personally connect with me because we both went to the same small undergard school and we are both now attorneys. But I don’t think that I would have accepted these invitations if they hadn’t sent me a note explaining why they wanted to connect, despite the fact that we don’t actually know each other.

          • Out in the open, but not obnoxious

            What kind of thing should that note say?

            “I’m an alum of __. I’m looking to move into your area from ____.” and then the standard sentence about “I’d like to add you to my professional network”?

            Also, do I need to leave my name on there? Seems to me it takes up extra characters and will be provided elsewhere in the link.

          • TBK

            +1. I actually find it most useful in figuring out if I know anyone at a certain organization. Or figuring out if I know anyone who knows anyone.

            One other way to use it, that seems tasteful and effective, is to have business cards made up with your name, contact information (email and phone number), profession (e.g., systems analyst, attorney, etc.), and the URL for your LinkedIn profile. That way if you meet someone who’s interested in you, the person can easily find you on LinkedIn and see your whole resume (especially helpful if your name is common and therefore a simple search might turn up too many people named Sarah Smith, for example).

    • goldribbons

      Do everything in your power to meet people (local professional events, your alma mater’s network, etc.) and immediately after meeting someone (that evening or the next day), “connect” with them on LinkedIn. Have coffee or lunch with every profesisonal contact you already have, and immediately after meeting with them, connect with them on LinkedIn. Don’t try to meet people through LinkedIn — the people that will actually help you out will probably not spend that much time on LinkedIn. I find it’s mostly a tool for HR to look people up before deciding whether to bring them in. It’s a place online for your resume, so only put info that you have on your resume. Hope this helps and good luck with your job search!

      • January

        +1. Trying to build your network through LinkedIn is kind of like trying to make new friends using Facebook. If there’s someone you’re trying to connect with because they’re an alum of your school, send them an e-mail asking for a brief meeting because you’re (a) new in town, (b) interested in their field, etc.

        • Anonymous

          An email outside of LinkedIn?

          What do I do about these people who show up as “LinkedIn Member” with no name when I search for my school, city, and field? Can I go look them up at their employer listed on LinkedIn, or does that officially cross the line to stalking?

          • January

            I’m not familiar with that. I probably wouldn’t contact those people if they have their name partially hidden on LinkedIn because I think it would tend to indicate that they don’t want to be contacted.

            Does your alma mater maintain a database of alumni in a particular area/field that you could search? I would start there, and e-mail those people at the address indicated to introduce yourself as an alum of their school and someone who is looking to move to their area or into their field and suggest a brief meeting (coffee, perhaps?) to ask what kind of advice they might have for a young [fill-in-the-blank]. Then, ideally, if a meeting happens, then you can follow up with them on LinkedIn, see who their contacts are, etc. I’d also encourage you to ask them in person if they have any other people they could suggest that you reach out to.

            The best way to use LinkedIn is to find out whether you and someone you would like to be in contact know anyone in common, who can then facilitate the introduction. I wouldn’t encourage you to cold-contact people from LinkedIn, though, if only because I doubt it will be useful to you. Your goal is to get people to know you and like you enough that they want to help you out. I just don’t think that sending out dozens of blind requests on LinkedIn is going to accomplish that.

            Also, are there any professional organizations in your area? Join those, attend meetings, don’t be shy — and then add those people on LinkedIn.

  5. Tuxedo Jacket

    This is lovely, but I think it would look horrible on me (short, waist somewhat near my armpits, flat-chested).

    What on earth would you wear with it? I don’t like the white shirt it’s shown with.

    [I may be having a brain fart, but I see this as how menswear looks good on men and makes me look like a man in drag. Or Pat from SNL.]

    — not Katharine Hepburn

    • Cat

      not for work ever — for a twist on my usual winter dinner-out uniform of silky top + cardi + skinnies, I’d swap the jacket in for the cardi.

    • ss

      ‘What on earth would you wear with it ?’

      A black or white evening top with a deep V looks great with my version, and I’m short-waisted too.

    • Tuxedo Jacket

      Is this a seasonal jacket? It’s swamp-like where I live in the summer. I would steam in denim, and would icky-sticky in denim + wool. Do you wear these over dresses? And what is the male equivalent (my husband has only a few modes: gym, khakis + shirt, suit –> somehow I can’t dress him if I could make jeans + black jacket work in the fall).

      We have a few fancy things we go to each year and the art / party scene in our city starts up again in the fall. It is fun — good excuse to dress up and go out.

      • Cat

        I think it’s seasonal for the weather issue. If I were wearing jacket + silky top + skinnies, hubs would probably be in khakis + unbuttoned shirt/no tie + navy blazer.

  6. anonette

    I would just like to say that even the fact that it’s Monday, and I just started a two week business trip, cannot get me down, because I scored the bag I’ve been watching for MONTHS at the Longchamp sale this weekend. It’s right next to my laptop, and I’m just starting at it and sighing dreamily while working on a database build.

    • KC

      Wooh! That’s always a great feeling. Something about scoring an item you really want, but patiently waited to hit sale is so rewarding :)

      • anonette

        Bonnie – yep, twice a year (January+June)! It’s exclusive to their brick and mortar stores, but you can get incredible discounts. I’ve bought all my good bags at their sales — discounts go anywhere from 30% to 70%

  7. Diana Barry

    I need help, hive! I want to find a maxi dress that I can wear with a REGULAR BRA. No racerback or spaghetti strap nonsense. Size M/8.

    Do I need to go to a store, or is there someplace that has lots for me to order, receive, and try on on or before Friday?

    • Veronique

      I have found several maxi dresses that I wear with regular bras at TJ Maxx/Marshalls. They’re the same company, but imo the dress selection at TJ Maxx is a little better. An online aggregator like shopstyle would offer tons of options, but the companies will vary in terms of their shipping policies. You could also browse individual sites that you know offer fast shipping like zappos, amazon, nordstrom, etc. I don’t know if you have any style or budget preferences, but I’ll offer links in a separate comment (to avoid moderation).

    • Anon

      Target (online) has several options in the Merona line. 20% off if you order $75 or more, and use can use that discount to justify paying for expedited shipping :)

      • Maxi

        I have a Merona maxi dress from Target that I love – blue stripes, v neck, bra friendly. It’s also long enough for me at 5’10”.

    • Susedna

      Hi Diana, not sure if this solution would work for you, but I often pair a rock band t-shirt + strapless maxidress. I can wear a regular bra, then, and I don’t worry about constantly hiking up the dress.

      • Susedna

        One additional note on this – pick a thin T-shirt so you can wear the strapless maxidress OVER the t-shirt without the shirt contributing to bulk. If you’re a long rectangular shape like me (no waist), then another solution is to get sharp fabric scissors and crop the T-shirt so it doesn’t add bulk to the waist.

        • Jo March

          Hey, I haven’t seen you here in ages! Hope you’re all settled in to your new place! We are in the process and it has stolen All the Free Time.

          • Susedna

            Hi dear, I’ve been all settled in the new place awhile now, thankfully. It was exhausting, and so much so, I hope the next time I’m facing a move, it’s because I’m old and decrepit and care-home workers are coming to take me away. By then, I’ll have collected enough helium balloons to fly away (house & all) to someplace nice in South America…

        • Susedna

          Awww, you’re not uncool. And if you’re an old(er) geek like me, many of those original t-shirts died after years of wearings & washings. But Forever21 has actually been licensing stuff and doing t-shirts featuring The Police, Blondie, Nirvana, etc. So they can be found and will fit most budgets.

    • L

      How about this from Land’s End -Slub French Terry Tie Shoulder Maxi Dress (tie shoulder is misleading

      link below to avoid mod

    • ac

      I’ve gotten good maxis from Boden with wider straps compatible with normal bras in prior seasons, but don’t know what they have this season.

    • Parfait

      I got a great one at Kohl’s, and they seem to have quite a few possibilities on their site.

  8. Anonymous

    Does anyone know if Gap stores will price match Gap.com? I bought something in store and came home and it is $20 cheaper online — wondering if they will refund me.

    • Anon

      Unfortunately, they will not. The B&M and online operate as two largely distinct entities (for example, if you make an online return in store, they process that as a separate transaction from anything you may be purchasing/exchanging).

    • Mountain Girl

      They might – but you could also return the first on and repurchase it online.

  9. Out in the open, but not obnoxious

    If I’m writing a note to someone who’s also an alum of my school on LinkedIn, does this sound ok?

    “I’m an alum of __. I’m looking to move into your area from ____.” and then the standard sentence about “I’d like to add you to my professional network”?

    Also, do I need to leave my name on there? Seems to me it takes up extra characters and will be provided elsewhere in the link.

    • Anonymous

      I think you can say “I’m an alum of ___, currently looking to move to your area. Would love have a quick chat with you about breaking into Industry in Area”

    • ac

      I like Anonymous at 11:22 a.m.’s edit. I think just saying “I’m an alum and want to build my network” isn’t enough to get over the “I don’t know this person so why should I connect?” issue outlined in the earlier comment thread.

      I’d also try to highlight any shared common interest/history (e.g., you had the same major, participated in same extracurricular activity). For me, just sharing a university (or being an undergrad student at the university I went to law school at) isn’t necessarily enough for me to approve a linked-in connection if I don’t have any stronger connection to the person.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks!
        Is it stalking if I look up their interests elsewhere online? What about looking up people that LinkedIn tells me work in x position at y firm in z location? Can I go through their company to look up their name and contact them, or does that feel stalkerish and creepy?

        • goldribbons

          Looking up someone’s company bio is good research. Finding their Pinterest and Facebook and spouse’s Pinterest and Facebook is creepy. Plain old Googling someone is good research. Searching through the photos (Google Images results) to see if you can find out whether they’re married or whether they share your hobbies is creepy.

          • Ugh

            +1 to goldribbons

            I mean, sheesh, what was Anon 12:58pm thinking? That she’s going to pretend she’s interested in hobby X, Y, and Z when she talks to the person? If you’re NOT going to do that, then why would you ever look up that person’s hobbies? And if you do, it’s fake and creepy.

          • Anonymous

            Not to pretend anything, but if I’m supposed to mention things we have in common, it would help if I knew a bit more about the person.

          • Would Also Be Weirded Out

            Anon, here’s how it looks. I’m going to fill in a scenario and show you why it’s creepy. You say: “but if I’m supposed to mention things we have in common, it would help if I knew a bit more about the person.” It depends on what things you have in common and how publicly this person has stated such things, affiliations and hobbies.

            The things you might have in common are things like: “an interest in securities law,” or “how we’re both UC Boulder alums.” Things that are her LinkedIn profile that she’s made public. But there might be hobbies that she doesn’t even put on her resume, but which are findable, through web-sleuthing, and mentioning THOSE things in common would be creepy.

            It’d be freaky if the person never put on her resume that she rides motorcycles, and doesn’t mention it generally in conversation unless you’ve known her for a long time, and then you bound over and start talking to her about motorcycles after you’ve mentioned the securities law and alum stuff.

            Even if you’re a longtime avid motorcyclist, it’d be weird for her to hear that suddenly come out. If she generally doesn’t mention it, she’ll be wondering why you brought it up and guessing that it’s because you googled her and saw a photo of her with her bike. And that’ll come across as way creepy.

            Do you get it now???

  10. NYC

    Any moisturizer recommendations? I’m looking for something for the day, with SPF 15 (not 30), that plays nicely with breakout prone skin. I was using a paula’s choice moisturizer but they changed the formula and I don’t like the new one. I thought I would first see if anyone in the wise hive has a recommendation, before trying something new.

    Thanks!

    • jesseves

      I like Neutrogena’s Oil-Free Moisture with SPF 15. It’s light and doesn’t leave my skin feeling greasy, and — bonus — it doesn’t sting when I put it on.

    • Leigh

      I thought I was imagining things. Glad to know the formula was actually changed! For now, I’m using Philosophy’s Take a Deep Breath moisturizer, and using a separate sunscreen; but there is a version of the Take a Deep Breath moisturizer with spf in it. It might be worth a try. I love the stuff I’m using.

    • Anon

      I like Philsosphy’s Take A Deep Breath SPF 30. A little more than the paula’s choice but it offers a higher SPF and doesn’t leave the white film like I noticed on paula’s.

    • Niktaw

      L’Oreal Advanced Revitalift Complete SPF15. I was very pleased with this cream – more than with more expensive products. Its companion night cream is not bad but is somehow much thicker.

    • anon prof

      I use Kiehl’s ultra facial moisturizer and love it. They make a 15 and a 30, I think.

      • NYC

        Awesome, thanks everyone! I ordered the kiehl’s 15, since I used one of their moisturizers before without prompting crazy breakouts. Might also try the Boots 7, since I like their face scrub. I used to use the neutrogena and stopped for some reason that I can’t remember.

        • Godzilla

          I have special snowflake skin that’s sensitive to just about everything and I’ve never had a problem with Cetaphil’s daytime moisturizer with spf15 (I don’t remember the actual name of it). Highly recommend.

          • NYC

            Ah, thanks. I’ve been using the Cetaphil 30, but I don’t like the sunscreeny smell. Didn’t know they did a spf 15!

    • Wannabe Runner

      I have used the Neutrogena Oil-Free before and like it. They also have a sensitive skin version. Both SPF 15.

      I’m currently using Aveeno Daily Moisturizer SPF 15. It’s very light.

      I’m also using Neutrogena Age Shield Face SPF 55 every day, on my face and collarbone/chest area. I should probably really apply it twice a day.

  11. NYC

    Actually, I have a second question.

    For those in biglaw, what do you wear to the office on the weekend in the summer? I expect to be working a lot of weekends this summer (with coworkers, which changes the calculation for me) and can’t quite figure it out. I normally wear sundresses on the weekend, but that feels a little bit off when I’m seeing colleagues. It is also too cold for the office. Jeans feel too heavy. I think the answer is some sort of summer pant, but I don’t own such an item. My team is all men. They were all wearing jeans + casual button downs this weekend. I wore jeans and a blouse, but in a few weeks jeans will be much too sticky/heavy. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    • TO Lawyer

      What about nice airy pencil skirts in fun colours/patterns? Like something in a fabric that wouldn’t work M-F but would still look weekend-work appropriate. Also see something like a khaki or denim pencil skirt or khakis/capris if you have them? (I’m personally not a fan and would lean towards a more structured but casual dress or a skirt)

    • Cornellian

      cotton skirts figure heavily in my summer weekend lineup. Maybe also longer shorts/capris if you don’t want to buy pants. You could also add a cardigan to your sundress, perhaps.

    • goldribbons

      Leave a pair of jeans at the office. Wear shorts or a summery skirt to commute. Change when you get to the office.

    • MJ

      This is a know-your-office sort of thing, and it sounds like the men were wearing jeans. My NYC firm was so formal that people didn’t even wear jeans on weekends. I would invest in capris or more whimsical cotton A-line/pencil skirts. Sundresses show a bit too much skin for work, IMHO. Also, depending on the AC situation at my work, I would dress for inside, not outside. I know no one wears them nowaways, but used to love tank-top twinsets for summer in NYC–perfect for outside and inside.

      • NYC

        Thanks, everyone! I couldn’t put my finger on why none of my normal weekend stuff worked and why I couldn’t get my work stuff to look “weekend work appropriate without trying too hard.” I am testing out some ankle length/capri cotton pants and some skirts that I think will work. All my normal summer skirts are a little too festive, flowy, or just plain casual. I resent having yet another clothing situation to figure out, but conceded that I would be happier to just spend a little time thinking about it now so I have options all summer without added stress.

        • Wannabe Runner

          Some friends took me to H&M for a wardrobe intervention once. (I was wearing shorts that were too short for me. Thank you friends!) They got some summer A-line skirts. This was like 10 years ago, and I still wear them. Look for linen, A-line, and knee-length. Add a dressier tee, nice sandals, and you’re good to go.

        • anonypotamus

          I really like the J*Crew Minnie pants for this type of thing. Stretch twill, ankle length and in fun colors. A little too casual for work during the week (except maybe Fridays), but are comfy and look put together, especially with a structured top or nice cardigan.

  12. Help?

    I need help wording an email turning down the opportunity to go in for a second interview. I interviewed at two places, and accepted a position at Place A. Place B just emailed and asked for a second interview. I need help crafting a quick, gracious email thanking them for the opportunity, but letting them know I am going a different direction.

    Thanks so much in advance for your help.

    • Senior Attorney

      Thank you so much for the invitation, but I have just accepted a position at Place A. I appreciate the opportunity to have met with you and your team.

    • Anonymous

      How about something along the lines of this: Thank you for the opportunity to come in for a second interview for the ___ position. I recently accepted a ___ position at Place A, so will not be continuing on in the interview process. I appreciated learning more about Place B, and enjoyed meeting the team. Best of luck during your search process.

  13. Blonde Lawyer

    Since we have so many posts about looking professional with a variety of ailments I figured I’d have a quick pity party since my current situation probably takes the cake. I managed to get really bad poison ivy!!! It is all over my neck and my chest and my arms and my legs. I have a prescription ointment but it stains my clothes and makes me look like I’m oozing. Doc also wants the sores uncovered as much as possible. Since it can take up to three weeks to go away, I have to go to work like this anyway.

    Luckily I’m pretty confident in saying “this is what I need and what I’m doing” and my office is being totally accommodating. I’m wearing as modest as possible Target/Walmart dresses that leave my upper chest (not cleavage but just above) and arms open. I’m covering up the non-rash covered upper arms w/ a pashmina as necessary. I have a cheap cardigan in case I end up having a client meeting. When this is over I can chuck the stained cheap dresses/cardigan if I need to. Luckily, I already had this stuff in my closet. I’m keeping my least favorite suit at the office in case I get called into court.

    I’ve assured everyone that my doc says I’m not contagious and that I can be at work. Trying to stay in my office and out of sight as much as possible. I look SO GROSS!!! Luckily I have vacation days already planned for Thurs Fri and Mon.

    • saacnmama

      I bet you were doing something boss to get it. I’d play up the rugged outdoorsy side of you if anybody asks.

    • Anon

      When I was little, I got a full-body poison ivy rash. My dad didn’t realize that the tree whose leaves he was raking up had poison ivy crawling up it – so the big pile of pretty fall leaves was pretty much half poison ivy leaves. I was not a particularly happy little girl for quite a while!

  14. Anon

    I know there are lots of different opinion on this but I wanted to see what you all thought – is it a bad idea to write a law school personal statement on why you want to be an attorney and why this particular school can help you do this?

    I know this is dicy for some people but I have actually worked very closely with lawyers in the field I am interested so I feel like I have a firm grasp of what they do and I can see clear advantages that this particular law schools has for this type of work. Is it okay to marry the two in a personal statement?

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I have never been to or applied to law school in the US, but I find it interesting that you wouldn’t do this. This may reflect my complete non-understanding of the process, but I always thought the personal statement is about why you want to go to that school and why they should pick you. A major part in that would be that you have seriously considered a career in law and this is why you would be good at it.

      I’m interested to see the responses as there is a bit of a cultural divide here… :)

      • Anon

        OP here – I agree with you but there is actually advice out there that says NOT to write about why you want to be a lawyer. I am befuddled by this too.

        • Em

          I’ve always been under the impression that the “don’t write about why you want to be a lawyer” advice was more about really generic statements: don’t say you want to be a lawyer because you like to argue and also want to help people. Writing a thoughtful and specific statement about what your goals are and how that school will help is, I think, different.

        • Going anon for this

          Wait, not to even write about why you want to be a lawyer? That is some serious b.s. And I have the bona fides to say so. I applied to six T10 schools in 2001 (when applications were through the roof) and got into every. single. one. of them. Plus got offered boatloads of money from more than one. (Like full ride kind of money.) And if you’re wondering, I was 3.7/169. No fullbright fellowships, no stories about how I was a war refugee who came here with nothing but the shirt on my back. So just a moderately well-qualified normal candidate. I credit my acceptances to my essay. I wrote about how I’d been a fine arts major because of pressure from my very artistic family but how it had never been a good fit for me, and how I really blossomed once I started working as a paralegal since the law seemed to leverage all those qualities that had been a liability in the arts but were perfect for law (basically being very rational/logical and much less emotional — I am so not an artist). The admissions officers ate it up. And it was all about how I wanted to be a lawyer. So I call shenanigans on the whole “don’t write about wanting to be a lawyer” bit. I think it can be incredibly effective, as long as you do it well. (Which you’d have to do no matter what you wrote about, right?)

    • TBK

      I don’t see the downside to this. Although I’d just make sure that there was enough personality in there. They want to see YOU, not just a robotic argument (not saying you’re planning to do this, just throwing it out there). But I’d think a school would be impressed that you were that thoughtful about it and not just picking them because your GPA/LSATs are in the right range.

    • SoCalAtty

      Agreed. As long as it is a well thought out argument for why you want to practice law, and why you are a good fit for that program, it should be fine. Mine was about growing up in the music industry and watching managers, and sometimes unscrupulous lawyers, take advantage of struggling musicians. The school I was applying to had a fantastic music and entertainment law program, which is one of the reasons I ended up there. Now I do construction and design law, but at least the IP stuff still applies!

    • MJ

      I agree–you should write about why law in your personal statement. And although there’s tons of crazies, I recommend the Top Law School boards for questions like this–they have an area for asking just these types of questions. Good luck with your law school app process.

    • Wannabe Runner

      I think this is exactly what the personal statement is for. (Unless the prompt is asking you to write about something else.)

      This is exactly what I wrote mine on 10 years ago. Why you want to be a lawyer, and why this school.

      Agree with this advice to show some personality. Don’t show too much that it would be off-putting, though. Run the personal statement by some lawyers or law students if you can.

  15. SoCalAtty

    Early TJ – I have a cousin who I grew up with, who has an 18 year old daughter. We see each other pretty frequently, but as my cousin’s daughter has gotten older and become more and more busy with church, friends, etc. I don’t see her as much. My cousin asked me to take her and the daughter out to lunch last weekend to talk to the 18 year old about her options, what she wants to do with her life, etc., because I’m the first one in our family to go to a 4 year college and then law school. So I did…and the conversation started basically with “I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t make plans. Plans are stupid because things always change. I don’t even want to be here anyway. I’m bored. I don’t like anything. Oh, and I’m going to take $8000 a semester classes at a private, unranked christian school.” When I asked her about how her study schedule would work into the full time “internship” she is doing with her church, she said “oh, I don’t study, studying is stupid.”

    I was really calm and reasonable, and just suggested that since she didn’t do wonderfully her senior year, it might be better to test the waters with a few GE classes at the local community college (which is really good) instead of dropping tons of money (that her family doesn’t have).

    Anyway, she was just really nasty and disrespectful, even though I was just there to help. It was very strange, especially considering I had just handed her a card with $100 cash in it for her graduation present and bought her lunch. I asked her a few questions about what she enjoys doing the most, and what she likes about her current “internship” with her church, and she said that the only fun she’s had in the last year was one day she went to the lake. She says she likes her internship because it keeps her busy and she isn’t bored, but she hates kids (and teaches the daycare class) and says what she is actually doing is only “tolerable.” I was really just talking to her about what she likes and doesn’t, and suddenly she burst into tears! The entire time she was detached and very aggressive with her answers. Even when I asked her, “well, do you ever want to move out of your mom’s house?” She said “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

    It isn’t my kid, and I’ve told my cousin that I am here for her for whatever help she needs with applications, student aid, or even help figuring out alternative career paths. My cousin apologized profusely for her daughter’s behavior, but there is something worrying me I can’t put my finger on. Has anyone ever seen anything like this?

    • TBK

      I agree there’s something going on here. Is she pregnant? There’s something she doesn’t want to talk about that makes her terrified about the future.

      • L

        Ditto on the terrified of the future. She probably has no idea what to do and the pressure to have a ‘plan’ can be insane at that time. I bet she doesn’t see a way out and hasn’t ever found anything that actually clicks with her and is probably thinking she’s going to have to spend the rest of her life floating from crappy thing to crappy thing.

        Does she have anything in her life she shows an interest in? Music, art, anything? Has she ever been out of her town/exposed to other lifestyles? It may help her to see a variety of paths life can take (especially without planning) – both good and bad.

    • Anonymous

      She’s 18 and clearly sick of people telling her what to do. Her plan is terrible, but who’s paying for it? Sounds like her parents? And who is paying her living expenses while she does this internship? Also her parents? I think the only conversation you have is with your cousin, and it goes something like this “you’re paying all this money so she can mope through a year expensively? Are you out of your mind?”

      And I don’t actually find this excessively troubling. Sure, she’s struggling now, but she’s only 18. A year spent working retail and getting over herself really won’t do any long term harm.

      • a.k.

        Yes, this – it can be so overwhelming to be asked that constantly. You mean well, SoCalAtty, but to her you are just one in a long line – teachers, counselors, parents, etc.

        It sounds like she just doesn’t have any idea what comes next… would her parents be okay with her working for a year to figure it out? Or volunteering abroad, or nannying, or something else that would give her some structure without sending her down an expensive path? My sister was not college-bound, and it took a long (stressful) time before my parents figured out that they needed to tell her that was okay. She found a different path for her life and is quite happy.

      • SoCalAtty

        Maybe…when when I gave a few college suggestions, she said “well no one has ever talked to me about college, how should I know?” She had said something about tranferring, and I had said she should reach out to the schools she wants to transfer into to make sure what she does now is transferrable.

    • Anon in NYC

      I agree that something is going on. Depression or anxiety? She could be terrified of this huge change / the future (and just a guess and a total projection of my own anxieties, maybe she’s afraid to say what she wants out loud because she’s afraid that she won’t get it and look like a failure). I’m guessing that part of the reason why she was lashing out at you was because she felt a lot of pressure to make decisions about her future right at that moment.

      Do you otherwise have a good rapport with your cousin’s daughter? Maybe it would be helpful to do something with just the daughter and without your cousin. Maybe she would open up more without her mom there.

      • mascot

        I agree, can you take her out w/o mom? It could just be teen angst/sadness about h.s. ending, but I wouldn’t rule out something else.

      • SoCalAtty

        I did…at least I used to…yes, mom was sitting there, and that may have been part of it. I offered to bring her down to my house and take her around Los Angeles, take her to any museums she might want to see, or Disneyland, or whatever. Her response was “that’s a waste of money, why would I want to do that. Disneyland is stupid. I don’t like museums.”

      • Hel-lo

        I agree with possible depression, too. This isn’t normal. Something is going on.

    • Anonymous

      You said you took her and her mom to lunch. Was her mom (your cousin) sitting there while you asked questions? If so, this sounds like a rebellious phase she’s going through with her mom. My recollection of being a teenager was that many of us had huge blow ups with our parents right around high school graduation because we were (subconsciously) a little nervous about the future and trying to set new boundaries. If you’re ever asked to do this for another family member, I strongly recommend you arrange to meet with the kid solo so he/she can be more open with you and more receptive to what you’re saying.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Any chance the issue has to do with the religion? Does she want to be doing a church internship? Would her family make her go to a christian-only school? Is this a religion known for strict restrictions on what females can and can’t do? It sounds to me like she might be feeling held back by the religion or her parents imposition of the religion on her. Would she be disowned if she did something anti-religion? It just sounds like a few people I knew from high school whose families tried to make them marry someone from the religion and this involved going to small religious school with lots of religious service even though kid didn’t want to practice religion anymore. They usually dropped out after the first year of the school, were disowned by their parents, moved out and worked retail to afford an apartment and couldn’t afford other school for quite some time.

      • SoCalAtty

        I would normally agree, but the family couldn’t care less about which church or school she goes to…that is the interesting thing. This is all her – she chose the church and the program. Parents go to church, but aren’t overly religious.

      • Silvercurls

        Another take on religion: Perhaps the young woman wants to be _more_ religious than her family finds comfortable? (I’m not pushing religion–especially not religion expressed through so-called traditional gender roles that discourage women from joining the clergy, taking leadership roles, pursuing secular higher education–just noting that travel on the more/less religious road goes in two directions.

        +1 to the other comments encouraging you to hang in there as another interested adult who is Not. Her. Parent. It’s a real gift to accept a young person as they are–not as you (or their parents) want them to be–and then to spend time with them and take their interests seriously. It’s OK to expose them to new experiences but it’s better to make it a joint decision, or to show how it builds on one of their existing interests or activities, rather than dragging them off regardless of personal preferences because classical music (or art museums, career fairs, volunteering, whatever) is Good for You!

    • Mighty Mouse

      Kudos to you for being a positive female force.

      A few random thoughts:
      -You mention that grades weren’t great during Senior year. Was it just Senior year? If yes, consider depression. If no, does she have an un-dx learning disability (which could make four.more.years of classes seem really intolerable). Is there a relationship that has evolved over the last year w a SO?
      -For me, making these big decisions at 18 was really overwhelming bc (as has been discussed in prior threads by many prior posters) it can be scary if you’re looking at it as *the rest of your life.* At 18, sometimes I couldn’t even decide between pants and a skirt on a given day. So I was terrified perfectionist who was terrified of making a bad decision (I got over this, eventually!). Getting over it involved looking at things in a five -year scope, rather than “whole life.”
      -What about trade schools? Is she cut out for college? Would she be happier as a plumber / hairdresser / chef? My plumber didn’t go to college, has a nicer house than mine and is not 250K in debt. :)

      Maybe you take her for coffee in a week or two, just the two of you, as noted by some posters above. The emotion behind things at this first meeting is definitely something to explore, if you’re comfortable. And, in my experience, you may wish to walk w your coffee. Sometimes teenagers are less threatened by a side-by-side conversation. Good luck to you. And she is a lucky young woman to have you in her corner.

      • Wannabe Runner

        Shoot, I’m way older than 18, but I also prefer side-to-side conversations too. Long drives in cars are great for this too.

        • Ugh

          Agree. Side-to-side convos seem chummy, and low-key. Face-to-face, especially with an adult/authority figure can seem like an interrogation, especially if you’re young and feel like you’ve been hemmed in.

    • Brahbrah

      Oof, this sounds like me, kinda, when I was 18. My parents were emotionally/spiritually controlling, and I had no sense of who I was or what I wanted, which manifested itself in apathy. I think I was a bit depressed, too. Be patient with this girl. It’s so hard to be 18.

      Does she have a good relationship with her parents, overall? If she doesn’t, and if she saw you as an emissary of her mother, I could see why she would feel threatened.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I had plans to go to college right after high school, so that part is different, but the rest of this sounds a lot like me at that age when I was very depressed. My grades took a nosedive, from the outside I looked like things were fine (lots of time out with friends, school activities, etc), but any serious conversation about anything especially my future would cause me to burst into tears. I don’t have any advice for you on approaching that from your position, but I want to tell you that you are awesome for getting involved in trying to help her.

      She may need to be in a different headspace to really hear anything from you, but I wonder if taking her around to show her what her life could be like would help. Maybe take an afternoon to go tour the community college, look at a course catalog, and see if anything seems interesting to her. It’s also possible that she will just need to live at home for awhile and see her friends leaving for college and changing to make her realize that circumstances can and do change.

      • SoCalAtty

        All great suggestions – thank you very much, everyone!

        I sent her a FB message that said, “Hey. I didn’t mean for Sunday to be all spanish-inquisition like. I had NO idea you had to be somewhere else or didn’t have the time or the inclination to deal with that stuff right that moment. Just know I’m here as a resource for you, and all we want is for you to be happy and find your way in your own time. Relax and enjoy your summer. Find joy where you can…it is all to easy to get wrapped up in life and staying busy and forget that there is good stuff out there. I’ll be here if you ever need me.”

        So hopefully that set a light enough tone that she knows I wasn’t there to attack or tell her she is wrong, just that I wanted to help out. I spoke with my brother (the problem brother I talk so much about, who has now both passed the GED AND found a job at a local plant nursery), and he said that is why he stopped hanging out with her – weird nastyness and hostility. His exact words were “she needs to be humbled.” WOW what a long way he has come…but he has offered to take her out for coffee or something and see if he can help, too. He’s 20 so closer in age.

        • Susedna

          SoCalAtty! I’ve been gone for months from this site (am posting from my phone, so no IT-blocks), and I come back and see this good news about your brother. I’m really happy for him and for you. This is one of the best updates ever. :-)

          • SoCalAtty

            THANKS!! I took him out to a fancy steak dinner and hung out with him on Saturday. It actually ended up being a huge gathering of me + husband and inlaws, and brother REALLY didn’t want to go, but I convinced him with steak…and when everyone was just happy to hear he had a job and then talked about other things, and he saw that everyone was just happy for him, it was really good. I think he got over a huge mental block about being able to just be around family without being compared to our mom (a mess) and he and I were both super happy about it! Phew!

    • anon

      I am late to respond on this, but I wonder if she has been told or has the impression that she is not good at school, or won’t be successful in college? At that age, she may not have the communication skills to indicate that she wants to be successful but feels as though she might fail. I think (hard to remember back that far!) when I was 18, and I thought I was bound to fail at something, I just told people that I didn’t want to do it anyway. I don’t know for certain if that is the issue here, but I think it is great that you want to try to help her. This kind of help (outside of parents) is a significant thing, and may actually be able to guide her on a path that she would not have found on her own or with her parents. I will say that leaving her a message to reach out to you when she needs might not be enough. Again, I think some of this might be related to a lack of communication skills. It might help if you casually reach out to her in a few weeks and try again. She may not be brave enough to initiate a conversation with you.

  16. Gail the Goldfish

    PSA: There’s a one day sale on Kate Spade online.

    And in that vein: does anyone have the Cobble Hill Leslie bag? Does it hold a legal-sized legal pad? I’m thinking about getting it in black for work… (Not that I need another bag. But sale!)

  17. Anon

    Not sure if there’s anything I can do about this, but thought I’d ask. I have a very unusual first name. It’s so unusual that I’ve never met anyone else who has it. But, there does seem to be at least one other person out there with my first name, and she looks vaguely like me (similar coloring, some similarities in the face). If you Google my name, she comes up as about the fourth image. The first three images are of me — my headshot from my firm bio, a photo of me as a speaker at an event, and one other somewhat professional photo of me. Then there’s her. She appears to be a DJ or a singer, and the photo of her shows her with her (very large) b@@bs spilling out over the top of her bustier in a very provocative pose. If you click on the image, it’s very clearly not me based on the web site. But I’m still a little worried that someone who didn’t know me well (a business contact, potential employer, or potential client, for example) might not be able to tell it wasn’t me. I’m a lawyer and it would be very poor judgment for me to have a photo like this of myself out there on the web. Is there anything at all I can do about this? Or do I just have to take the risk that someone will mistake her for me? (If my name were common, I wouldn’t worry. But since I’m almost guaranteed to be the only person with my name that people know, or have ever known in their lives, it’s more likely they’ll think we’re the same person.)

    • Godzilla

      Others may disagree but I think this is one of those situations that you just let it go. If anything, you could create a stronger web presence that would push the other links further down. Imagine, she feels bad@$$ that her alter-ego is a lawyer.

      • 2013

        +1 Or she’s like “Omg when people google me they think I’m a lawyer and it’s totally inappropriate for my singing career! What do I do?”

    • L

      Let me preface this with, I have no idea how SEO actually works, but I’d presume that if you increased the number of appropriate images of you on the web, combine with the right terms, your pictures would increase. Consider making a linkedin page, a professional facebook page, etc

    • Cornellian

      Oh no, that is awkward. I’m curious to see how people respond. I have a rare (but not THAT rare) name, and there appears to be one other American on google with it. She is Miss [State], so there are lots and lots of inappropriate bikini shots that come up under my name. We don’t really look alike, beyond being caucasian with blue eyes, and I don’t think anyone would confuse us for more than 1.5 seconds.

      Are you applying for jobs or doing anything else that means you’re being googled a lot?

        • L

          Also try gooling yourself name and city you’re in. most employers do that method to eliminate the unlikely pop-ups.

    • Naomi

      One thing you can do is increase the results that are really you, so this other person’s picture is pushed down. If the problem is with picture search results, see if you can get more pictures of yourself on social networking sites and such. You may want to look up SEO tips online or consult with an expert.

    • saacnmama

      How many images are you looking at? I’ve never met anyone unrelated to me that has my last name, although thanks to teh internet I know there are two women younger than me who have my same first and last. When I google my name and click on “images”, my photo is just one of the dozens of pix that pop up, even though my LinkedIn is the first non-image result that pops up. If it’s the same for you, then there’s no way anyone could try to assume anything about you without first checkign that the website is indeed yours.

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