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Weekend Open Thread

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

248 Comments

  1. I love corduroys – a great alternative to jeans!

    But I have a random thing on my mind, I’m in London and the weather has turned from glorious sunshine (last week) to grey and rainy (“normal” September weather!). As we head into autmn and on to winter I have a question about the best shoes for commuting to work in a corporate environment during rainy season. I have seen the post from the summer talking about shoes for commuting in summer rain, but now we’re back into cooler weather I’d love to know what shoes others wear for commuting.

    I commute to work by train. I have seen that some people swear by their Hunter wellies and I have a pair that I LOVE, but I don’t think it would look right turning up to work in full on long rain boots. I think I would get some funny looks on the train and in the office, plus I would have nowhere to stash such large shoes. I want to avoid trainers (sneakers) as I know some people also consider them to be “unprofessional” along with willies.

    So what other options are there that keep feet warm, dry and well covered that are suitable for wearing with skirt suits or a dress and jacket/blazer combo (with a light weight rainproof trench in autumn and a proper coat in winter)?

    1. PS – I need a flat shoe as heels are not my friends (as pretty as they are :-(), anything over 2 inches is “too high” for me – even wedges. SO I’m looking for something practical but not too ugly…

    2. Get thee to Harrods, to their Hunter section. Last time I was there (admittedly, a few years ago) they had really cool rubber shoes (what I call “rubber duckies”) that would be ideal for situations where you want to keep your feet dry but not wear full-on wellies.

        1. Thanks – although methinks Harrods is outside my budget for now! GIve me 5 years though ;-)

    3. JCrew makes rain flats, or at least they used to. They were rubber ballet slippers. I don’t know if they’re any good.

      1. I have a pair, and they’re darling- I get compliments on them from strangers on the street every time I wear them. BUT if you actually get your foot entirely wet (say, by stepping in a puddle), they will NOT stay on your feet, which is super embarrassing when you’re trying to walk down the street. One of them would literally slip off my foot every step I took. So I only wear them if it’s damp/slightly wet outside but not during a downpour or when there are huge puddles everywhere. Style over function unfortunately.

        2. I have the same experience. I literally had to walk by sliding my feet forward, one at a time. Cute, but better for overcast/damp weather than a downpour.

      2. Hunter also makes very cute rain flats. I found a pair at nordstrom rack for about $45 last year. You could probably find some equivlant store in London.

          1. Do these stay on your feet, unlike the j.crew ones mentioned above? I googled “hunter rain flats” and instantly fell in love.

          2. Do these stay on your feet, unlike the j.crew ones mentioned above? I googled “hunter rain flats” and instantly fell in love.

    4. There are a lot of waterproof, leather boots and shoes that are designed to be snow-resistant. I bet they would be great in the rain as well. Brands like La Canadienne make them, though there are other brands I can’t recall that are less expensive.

    5. I have a pair or ankle high rain boots that I like. Not sure what options you have, but there are a bunch on Zappos.

      I’m also waiting for a pair of Crocs (cap toe flats style) that I’m hoping will help on days I forget to wear rain boots. They are rubber flats that I think are pretty cute.

    6. What about these: bit.ly/1bf3W7B , these: bit.ly/13XJ5AU, or these: bit.ly/1ea3fxr

      Do you ladies think they’re too frumpy/ugly looking?

      1. I work in a frumpier industry (engineering) so any and all of those shoes are part of my regular work shoe rotation. But I don’t see anything wrong with any of them as commuter shoes for a bizcas/formal work place. I don’t own rain boots. I just wear leather shoes/boots. I should get around to spraying them with a weatherproofing spray.

        1. I don’t think they’re frumpy, at least not the first 2. It depends what you wear with them, but with black tights and a cute skirt, I think they’re all right.

          1. Thanks. Realistically the outfit I am wearing is a bit irrelevant since I will be wearing a “businesslike” coat (a navy knee length tranch now and a tailored navy or purple coat when it gets properly cold), so all someone will see is the coat, my calves (in tights) and then the shoes. As soon as I et to work I will change the shoes so I am probably going to go for one of these styles (not the “sporty” ones).

        2. I love how much you can get away with working in engineering. I’m wearing army style boots to the office today! YAY FALL!

      3. These are exactly the sort of thing I wear, but I am older and count my health way, way above my looks. So I protect my feet (knees, hips, etc.) by wearing practical, sturdy rain gear. My walk is nearly 2.5 kilometers one way.

        And yes, I sometimes get the condescending looks, but to them I say you know what? My feet are warm and dry and I can out walk you in any kind of weather.

        (And I carry my dress/business shoes in my pack and change when I get to the office.)

      4. Yes I do, but nothing wrong with being temporarily frumpy while you’re comfortable on your commute I guess.

    7. I wear Sperry’s until it’s frigid (with tights, they aren’t really that cold). Waterproof, and the tread is GREAT so you don’t slip even in super rainy weather.

      1. One of my friends has fur-lined Sperrys. Picture boat shoes with Ugg lining. I’m really not sure how I feel about them, but she’s obsessed.

    8. crocs.eu has quite a few flats that are totally suitable for those rainy fall days. Usually come in black (and no European will recognize them as crocs, as they’re totally focused on the ugly clogs), stay on your feet, dry fast, excellent non-slip grip. I highly recommend them :-).

  2. Sorry – I originally posted this in the Week in Review thread but meant to post it here! Clearly this situation is getting to me. :)

    My little sister is getting married this weekend, and my divorced/can’t stand to be around each other/only see each other in court parents are going to be interacting for the first time since their divorce 5 years ago. Worse yet, it’s a small wedding & wedding party, so there’s not really a way for them to avoid each other.

    The rehearsal dinner is tonight, and they’re both attending (including my dad’s new wife). I am having such terrible anxiety about this whole weekend that I’m struggling to focus at work right now (fortunately I’m leaving in a few hours for some wedding prep) and I have a huge pit in my stomach at the thought of them being in the same room.

    Has anyone gone through this? Any advice or coping strategies? I’m hoping it goes smoothly, but honestly, none of their behavior towards each other since the divorce has been civil, so there’s not much reason to think this weekend will any different.

    1. I have a friend who dealt with this at her own wedding. She asked me to be the buffer and to make sure the parents were kept as far from each other as possible. Understandably, there isn’t always an opportunity to keep them apart, but I found if I could keep them otherwise occupied (someone’s cute small child, a convo about something else they are up to, whatever), it helped immensely. Do you have a close family friend you could task with this?

      P.S. I still managed to have plenty of fun at the wedding, so I didn’t mind helping out. I was more concerned with my friend having a good time than my own, and if that meant babysitting parents, then I was happy to do it.

    2. This is exactly how my parents are. Luckily, they have taken the completely ignore eachother approach and seriously act like the other one is not feet away from them. It is awkward and childish, but better than having explosive arguments in public at special events. Hopefully, your parents will put aside or at least not acknowledge their differences on their daughter’s wedding day.

      I also don’t allow either one to engage in complaining or message-passing to me. I tell them that if they need to tell him/her something, they need to do it themselves.

      The new wife makes it even harder. I was still a teenager when my dad remarried, and though I liked my step-mom well enough, I acted very cold towards her when my mother was around just to save the peace at home with my mom. I think my step-mom understood. Though as an adult, I would probably act more kind towards her even in front of my mother.

      Good luck. It is a tough situation, but I really do hope that your parents can be mature enough to deal with being around each other for the sake of your sister.

      1. “The new wife makes it even harder. I was still a teenager when my dad remarried, and though I liked my step-mom well enough, I acted very cold towards her when my mother was around just to save the peace at home with my mom.”

        This is so interesting for me to read. Did you know that you were being cold toward her when you were doing it? Or did you realize it later in retrospect? I would love to know.

        I ask because my SD (18 and away at college for the first time as of 2 weeks ago) does this to me. We have spoken to many excellent stepfamily experts who all tell us that she doesn’t really hate me, she is just more afraid of her mother. Her mother is emotional and explosive and holds grudges and withholds love and and and. So what the experts tell us makes sense.

        However, after several years, it is upsetting and tiresome and makes me feel like an enemy (her mom, who chose the divorce long before I met any of them) is living in my house, inside the body of my SD, creating chaos in my otherwise peaceful home life. My SD is like that to me everywhere except inside our house and when we travel out of state, which makes her dad and me think that she feels she can be nice to me only when neither her mom nor anyone who knows her mom (we live in a small town) will see her doing it.

        Can I ask: when did you stop being cold to her? Is there anything she said or did that made it worse or better? Is there anything she could have said or done that would have made it better? (If so, I’d like to know so I can do it.)

        Generally, I would be grateful for any insight you can provide.

        1. I defintely knew I was doing it to her at the time. My mother was emotional, irrational, expected us to be “loyal” to her by hating our father and of course, his new wife too. (I should mention our situation sounds different–my father left my mother for this new woman who was much younger than him.) I lived most of the time with my mother and so I wanted to keep the peace at home. I also felt conflicted, because I felt like my dad and his new wife had torn my family apart. (I realize now, 15 years later, that it was a complicated situation, there were lots of factors at play, my mother was not entirely “innocent”, but as an angsty teenager it was more convienent to focus my energy there.)

          My step-mother had a heart-to-heart with me and my sister and told us that she loved us and cared about us and wanted us to be happy. She also acknowledged that she was not our mother, not looking to fill that role at all, that we had a great mother, and that she just wanted to be part of our lives. It was sweet, though at the time did not make much of a difference. Slowly, we started to warm up to her. She showed an interest in our lives, bought us nice things, even made us jewlery (which I had to lie to my mother about where it came from. My mom actually liked it, haha!) I don’t think there was much she could do to make it better, other than be patient and supportive.

          Anyway, they ended up divorced when I was in my early twenties. I met up with her a few times after, but we have since lost contact. While I was in college though (before their divorce) we really had a much better relationship. She was a professional woman and I planned on going to law school and so we bonded over that. I also moved out and so no longer felt like my loyalty was so torn.

          Sorry for the novel!

          1. Thank you so much for your additional reply. That helps me a lot.

          2. I also attribute much of my good relation with my stepmother to her early and emphatic acnowledgement that she was not my mother, and not trying to be. Goes a long way towards clarifying things. In fact, I subsequently kept a much better relationship with her than with my father..

        2. Fellow stepmom here. Just wanted to say that you’re probably doing everything right if she is nice to you sometimes. Just continue to be nice, open, and nonjudgmental to her. I think a lot of bio kids start to realize in their mid-20s that they were jerks to their bio parents as teens and I imagine some step kids have this realization with their stepparents. I am always the target of my stepdaughter’s frustrations when she is mad at her mom or dad but afraid to confront them. It absolutely 100% stinks and like you say, it makes me incredibly stressed out in my own house. But it’s not her fault that her mom doesn’t treat her the way she should and if there’s anything I can do to make things a little easier for her at this point in her life, well maybe some day she’ll finally appreciate everything I did for her. And if not, at least I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I did the right thing by a struggling teen. But in the meantime, I spend a lot of time whining to my therapist about how it isn’t fair. :)

          1. For KLG and TBK and Anonymous and Wannabe Runner:

            Many thanks for your thoughtful comments. It helps.

        3. Just want to say a big thank you to all the stepmoms. You are really an underappreciated group. I had a great stepmom, whom I sadly lost about two years ago. My mother, thankfully, very much encouraged me to be warm to my stepmother and told me often that she was just glad to have lots of people love her child. (That was an incredible gift my mother gave me, btw.) But being a stepmom is never, never easy. I hated visiting my dad’s house because it was far away from home and I got homesick very easily as a kid. My stepmom went above and beyond to make me feel welcome in her house. I was never cold to her, but I certainly never really appreciated her until I was older. My mom is also a stepmom and I’ve watched her struggle with the role, too. Just wanted to say how great all of you are who take on this generally thankless role with love, warmth, and grace. I know you don’t hear that kind of thing often enough.

          1. I don’t have a step-mother, but I have a few friends that do, and I think they’d echo TBK’s comments.

            Cinderella really gave stepmoms a bad rep to overcome.

          2. +1

            I was also rude to my step-mom in my teens. I don’t think it had anything to do with my own mother’s feelings. I think she is just a polar opposite to the way my mom is, and I am more like my mom than my step-mom.

            I realized it when I was in college, that it was actually nice to come home to my dad and stepmom, and spend time with them.

            So stay strong, and loving, and be there for your step-daughter. Things will get better, especially if your relationship with her dad grows stronger. I think it’s like most teenage girls – they pull away from relationships in their teens, but generally go back if you stay positive and realize it’s just another phase.

        4. My dad left my mom for my step-mom when I was 6. For a long time I resented her for ruining my family. By the time I was in middle school I was warming to her, but I would never have said it out loud, around her, my dad or my mom. Not because I was afraid of my mom, or anything, I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Even now in my twenties, I don’t think I could tell my mom that I really do love my step-mom. It would just be cruel to her. Of course now I am very warm to my step-mom and have been for years.

          My step-mom never said a bad word about my mom. If she had, that would have been a big step backwards. So keep that in mind, regardless of your feelings about your SD’s mom.

    3. The only advice I have is to let it go. You can’t control other people’s behavior. When I first started bringing my husband home when I went to visit my parents, I used to wind up in tears every time because my mom and my husband just do not get along. Finally, a friend pointed out that I was trying to take responsibility for everyone’s actions — for my mom’s for saying inappropriate things, for my husband’s for saying things that I knew would confirm my mom’s bad opinion of him, for my mom feeling upset with my husband, for my husband feeling upset with my mom. I felt like everyone’s behavior reflected on me and it was my job to “fix” it all. All it got me was awful anxiety and tears. It didn’t make anyone behave differently, or view things differently. It didn’t upset anyone but me (not because anyone was uncaring, btw, I just hid when I was crying so no one would feel bad, which was also an awesomely terrible idea).

      Your father will behave the way he’ll behave. His wife will do her thing. Your mom will do her thing. Your sister, her fiance, all the other people will do their thing. If you really think someone’s out of line, you can say, for example, “mom, I know this is hard for you, but I feel like you’re not being considerate of [sister] by [nitpicking Dad, making snide comments at new wife, etc.]” or change “mom” for “dad,” if appropriate. You can also say to your sister “ugh, I’m sorry dad’s been out of line tonight. It’s really not fair to you.” But you can’t control other people. No one else’s actions reflect on you. You can’t prevent people being hurt if someone says something hurtful. The world won’t end and you’ll all wake up tomorrow and have a wedding, and you’ll all wake up on Sunday and it will be over.

      2. Yes times a million.

        Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about any of this.

      3. Thanks, for this! I am in the same position and feel like I have to fix things or make them perfect between DH and Mom. A great reminder about letting go.

    4. I wrote you a long reply but then my browser crashed!

      Basically I was saying what people above had said – don’t stress, ask people to “buffer” if you can, hope they can at least be civil orjust ignore each other since it’s your sister’s wedding and neither one of them should want to ruin it.

      The other thing I would add is to brief the photographer. There was one awkward moment during the formal photos at my brother’s wedding last year. When it was time for the “groom and his parents” photo my parents stood on either side of my brother, then the poor unwitting photographer said “come on now, stand next to each other, nice and close!”. This was followed by a moment of silence as we (the other guests) stood with baited breath waiting to see if they were going to refuse or something – luckily they managed to “suck it up” and smile but it is still one awkwardly stiff looking photo. If the photographer had known they were divorced AND estranged he probably wouldn’t have asked them to cosy up together and I’m sure we’d have a much happier looking photo.

    5. Not knowing how old you are or how assertive you are, this is harder – but, my mother’s family can be very emotional. My aunt is like the mother of the woman who posted the other day – she can’t handle anything stressful or emotional. Weddings set her off. She started pitching a fit at her daughter’s wedding (outside, so not where her daughter could here). I pulled her aside and said, “This is not about you. It’s your daughter’s wedding. You need to suck it up, put your shoes on, and get in there and get your picture taken.” My uncle was concerned that I was speaking to her too harshly, but she sucked it up and did what I said.

      Similar issue the night before my Dad’s funeral between my mother’s family and my stepmother. I just pulled my mom’s family members aside and told them what I expected of them. Everyone but my crazy aunt (not the same one) complied.

      1. I kind of agree with this. I think it’s 100% ok to tell your mom and dad that you are worried about this, and that your sister doesn’t need any more anxiety on her wedding day, and propose some coping strategies.

        Expressing your concerns to each of your parents, separately, and honestly, might go a long way. They might also be able to reassure you that they don’t want to cause any drama either.

        Honestly, sometimes I have caused drama in my own family. It is childish, and I regret it, but it has happened. There are lots of things about my family that make it stressful. But sometimes, before family events, a more diplomatic family member will pull me aside and say, “Hey, can we not discuss XYZ this Thankgiving? It really stresses everyone out.” I’m mad when I get “a talking to”, but I avoid that topic. Sometimes those of us that are less sensitive need a heads up.

      2. NOLA, I don’t know why, but this made me laugh. I love the idea of pulling someone aside and saying, “put your shoes on, and get in there and get your picture taken.” At a wedding! The mother of the bride! It’s just so perfect and somehow paints a picture.

        Your point isn’t lost either. If you are assertive and have that kind of family dynamic, you can certainly say, “stop, mom/dad/new wife. Today is not about you.” OP, please let us know how it goes on Monday.

        1. Well, my aunt and I have always been really close (she’s 16 years older than I am, so I was like her baby doll when I was born) and she can turn into a nutjob under stress. She was outside throwing her shoes and pitching a fit about how she didn’t like she looked in her dress. I didn’t want it to affect her daughter, my very sweet cousin. So yeah, I said that to the mother of the bride. Again, YMMV.

        2. Just watched “Bachelorette” last night on Netflix (awful movie but whatevs). The MOH spent plenty of time boosting up the bride by chanting F*CK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So, OP, you should do that when for your sister. And tell your parents to SHUT IT OR SHOVE IT, RAWR.

          1. DAMMIT.

            Repeat post but here’s what got me into moderation:

            Just watched “Bachelore++e” last night on Netflix (awful movie but whatevs). The MOH spent plenty of time boosting up the bride by chanting F*CK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So, OP, you should do that when for your sister. And tell your parents to SHUT IT OR SHOVE IT, RAWR.

      3. I did this for my wedding, as I was the first of my siblings to get married, and had the same situation as you.

        I talked to each parent separately, even the stepparents, and basically said “Look. Each parent is getting this talk from me. You are going to suck it up and learn to behave around Parent X. I don’t want your silly drama to cause unnecessary stress on my wedding day. You are going to have to learn at some point – there are other siblings, and there will be grandchildren. So figure it out.”

        I said it a little nicer, but got the point across in a stern way. The grandchild point hit home particularly well – my dad was appalled at the thought of having to alternate birthdays and miss out on something like the 1st birthday. They actually all can act civilly around each other, and it’s made the birth of my daughter incredibly less stressful than it might have been.

      4. I agree about taking the direct route if things start to come to a head. My family is notoriously late. When we were kids my family would leave for a party at the time the party started… even when we lived 2+ hours away. It was just our M.O. and so when I was “only” 30 minutes late I thought I was doing so well for myself! When I got together with my DH I realized that his family is so on time that they’ll circle the block to avoid being too early, and that it is insanely rude to be habitually late.

        Cut to my wedding rehearsal…. my entire immediate family is at least 45 minutes late. The entire wedding party is standing around waiting for them. My dad is calling my cell phone asking me to give him driving directions. When they arrived I pulled them aside and let them know that their actions were unacceptable. They have not been late to a single event since then – brunches, dinners, etc. Wonders.

    6. I have no good suggestions, but as this is likely to be the situation when my own little sister gets married in the not-too-distant future, I’m signing on so that I can watch other people’s good recommendations.

      (This is why I continue to be a big, big fan of eloping should the feller and I decide to tie the knot.)

    7. Also, remember that it could actually be okay. My BFFs college graduation was a DISASTER with parental/step parental bickering, one of her parents storming out, etc. Somehow 5 years later, everyone pulled their you know what together for her wedding and there were no such issues. Not that everyone was holding hands and singing kumbayah, but there wasn’t anything even remotely resembling a scene or our college graduation.

    8. My sister’s first wedding was a textbook case – not only were there 2 sets of parents in bad terms, plus 2 stepmoms involved, but some of the parents had also developed cross-family dislikes by the time the wedding rolled around. It was a bit easier because it was fairly large, but much of the same applies. All that other commenters said about communicating clear standards of behavior is excellent, and if you can rope in helpers for those that are specifically likely to misbehave, all the better. My sister coped by having very little stand-up and schmooze time, most was sit down, at specific tables, sit at your spot and don’t drift toward the one of the people you want to avoid. It went admirably well, people who weren’t aware of the tensions couldn’t tell..
      I’d also like to add that you should make sure that if anyone has to be excluded it’s the ones that make a fuss, not the ones attacked. It’s perfectly OK to say that if you think you can’t behave then we’re very sorry and will miss you..

  3. Thoughts on ankle boots? I work in a pretty casual office, but I’m not sure if they’re work appropriate. I’d wear them with a dress and tights, probably.

    I’ll post the two pairs I’m considering below to avoid getting put in moderation.

    1. Ankle boots look OK with skirts or dresses slightly above the knee. I wouldn’t wear them with longer skirts or dresses.

    2. In a casual office I think they’d be OK as long as you look well put together, and as the post above said, they look better with above the knee skirts. Chelsea boots work well for the “casual” office.

      In a formal office I’d say ankle boots should only be worn with trousers.

    4. Wear them!

      I’m in a business casual office and I wear ankle boots at least once per week through the fall and winter. One of my go-to outfits is a pencil skirt, slim sweater, tights and ankle boots. Mine have about a 2-in stacked heel, and are a cognac color. Next to my tall riding boots, they are my most worn pair of shoes during cold weather.

    5. flat or heels? I would say yes, because I wear my 2 inch stacked heel Born ankle boots with any of my suits in the winter, pants, skirts, and definitely with dresses. They are black and very simple/classic.

    6. Ankle boots are on trend and can be dressed up for work this fall/winter season. Pair them up with a skirt and tights or wear them with black tailored slim pants for a look that is clean, modern, and chic.

  4. Haha, I was finally starting to warm up to skinny jeans, so I knew they must be on their way out. ;)

    1. Ha, I had the same thought about skinny jeans. Your comments about introversion this morning also sounded like me!

    3. I refuse to believe skinny jeans are on their way out. Somehow, that’s all I have and I’ll have to look really out of style until I decide to make the plunge back to bootcuts. (exactly what happened to me for the first couple years skinnies were in style)

      1. I really hope skinnies are not on their way out! I love them & that’s all I have now too. I think I like them because they look good with flats (sandals, ballet flats or riding boots depending on season). I feel like boot cuts look so much better with a high heel and I almost never wear those.

      2. They are definitely still in style and when it comes to jeans you really can’t go wrong with any style. Best is buy a style that works for your body style.

    4. I didn’t get the memo that bootcut was ever out. I wear bootcut and/or skinnies (not at the same time, of course). And wide leg. Super flared/bell bottoms, however, are a no.

      1. I have a pair of wide-leg bootcut tweed trousers with gold thread woven through them. I adore these pants, and have continued to wear them every winter through the skinny pant waves. I felt a little bit weird in them last winter when everyone was wearing skinnies and my pants were flapping around my ankles, but they’re so shiny and pretty and still work appropriate I just ignored that.

        1. You have style. People who only wear what is in “fashion” (whether it suits them, and especially when it does not) are victims.
          Rock those pants, girl.

          1. +1 on this one

            Any article of clothing that compliments your body shape will always be in style. Rock them!

            And I’m glad skinnies are out – or at least on the back burner. Perhaps this will lead to more selection in straight leg/wide leg pants.

  5. Does anyone have a temporary wallpaper brand they’d recommend? I’m open to patterns or a solid color that could be used for stripes. Thanks!

    1. No advice but please post what you decide on. I’m interested in this too but no idea where to begin!

    2. I used one of the Graham & Brown Superfresco Easy papers on one wall of my bathroom and it hung well and still looks good several years later. Their main site is pretty pricey, but I remember finding my pattern in one of the Sherwin Williams books, for more like $25/roll.

      1. I’ve been wanting to try temp paper since I saw a post eons ago on saucy glossie. Can’t vouch for it personally but might be worth a look.

  6. This is apropos. Earlier this week, I saw a woman wearing a beautiful pair of rust-colored cords. They’re a cross between the cognac and the red cordova of the pair shown above. I had a rust-colored pair when I was about 10 that I loved.

    I asked the woman where she got them and she told me Switzerland. That’s a little far for me. Has anyone seen cords in a similar color?

  7. I was at Last Call the other day and saw some cute Charles Jourdan shoes. I don’t know the brand and was surprised to see how expensive they are. What’s the deal? How do they wear?

    1. I find them stiffer (and more painful) than I expected. I also had to size up 1-2 sizes for width. Beautiful but not worn often. That being said, their fit and comfort for me seems to change a great deal from shoe/style to shoe. So erratic. I buy at DSW so the sticker shock isn’t as bad. Yes, lovely to look at. Worn sparingly in my rotations. Hope you have better experiences!

  8. These are my favorite pants. I lost some weight over the past year, so just ordered three colors this morning in my new size. I’m so glad I got that in before Kat shared with everyone else. I can totally vouch for how well they wash and that they are super comfy. I absolutely lived in these last winter. They also have a skinny ankle version that’s great with boots.

    1. Yeah, I have a pair from last year that are great (in teal). I found they run a bit big, and the waist stretches out fast so I had to wear with a belt.

      I’m also a fan of the Jag cords. Love cords in the winter.

  9. All– I am a private practice attorney, and I have an interview for an in-house position early next week. This is my very first in-house interview. My only other interivew experience for legal jobs was in law school (to get my first job) and a lateral interview to my current job. I’m comfortable with questions about my experience, I have read the company’s website, most recent 10-K, news alerts, and have read up on the people who are interviewing me. I am wondering if any of you who have been through the process have any advice? Anything that surprised you about an in-house interview as opposed to a law firm interview?

    1. The biggest difference for me was that I met with people outside legal as well. Make sure you get an understanding of what type of work is done in house vs. by outside counsel.

    2. Yay! Open thread’s!!!! I love open thread’s!!!!! And I am eating chicken soup tonite hopefully, but not alot of matzo balls. FOOEY b/c last week I almost had an accident from all the matzo balls I ate. And Rosa’s baby’s were unloadeing all over the place after she and Ed went out to visit freind’s! DOUBEL and TRIPEL FOOEY on the poopie!

      As for the OP, you should Interview just like you would for a law firm. The inhouse peeople are happy to get a law firm person b/c you probably work alot harder then they do and if you get hired, they will off load alot of their tough work to you b/c you know how to work efficently for a living. I think you will be surprised how smart you are, b/c the inhouse guy’s probabley do NOT read their 10k’s or whatever else you just read and know not that much more about their company’s then you do. For example, Jim work’s in house and he spends most of his time figureing out what to buy for lunch and dinner, and where to go to find the best food in town. He knows alot about food, but he is not a legal scholear. I was the one that had to come up with the ANTI-TRUST theores for Jim even tho it is HIS company that I did the Acquisiton work for in Saint Louis.

      Now Roberta is sharp, but she does NOT like to get up in court. That is my job. She is happy to see me do all of the dirty work on her cases. The same even goe’s for the banker’s I am working for. Tho the legal guy’s at the bank are smart, they rely on me (and the manageing partner)to do all of their heavy lifteing for them. So trust me, you sound like you have nothing to worry about. Just be confident, don’t be a wall flower, and do NOT be afraid to tell them how you can help their organizeation. Kudo’s in advance to you!

      I can’t stay to do alot more reading today b/c MYRNA is pickeing me up with her car and we are heading out directly thru the MIDTOWN TUNNEL TO LI. YAY! I love LI and eateing home cooking. It is alot better then the take out we have to eat in the City. FOOEY! Dad is makeing me walk 2 miles with him and Myrna tonite after dinner, so I hope it is NOT humid out like yesterday. FOOEY! I got drenched yesterday. FOOEY!!!

      Happy weekend to the HIVE! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      1. Ellen, dear,
        Your writers are on the edge of dropping a BIG detail. Lets’ just say that I’m absoluteley in AWE if you and your Dad have time to walk 2 miles tonite after dinner and before Kol Nidre. As I write this I’m hurriedly swallowing pasta. If we didn’t happen to live near our synagogue I would be REALLY LATE for services myself.
        Have an easy fast if you’re fasting, Ellen and all other Jewish *t t e s. And to EVERYBODY my wishes for a sweet, healthy, happy and peaceful new year. We all need all the blessings we can find (or make) for the next 12 months regardless of our particular religious traditions.
        Silvercurls

        1. Silvercurls and all others celebrating Jewish New Year – I wish you a happy holiday and much peace.

    3. My understanding about in-house work is that you really have to have a feel for how it fits into the business side and its needs. You can’t spend hours researching something to get it exactly right, and sometimes the most “right” law school answer isn’t the answer the business people need. So you’ll want to show you can blend an understanding of business needs with the legal stuff, that you can turn around an answer quickly (bullet-pointed email vs 20 pg memo with perfect Blue Booking), and that you can operate in an environment where there might be several demands on you at once and you’ll have to prioritize requests and seriously back-burner some of them.

    4. In my experience, you need to be careful of the terminology and mindset that you portray. Your “clients” when you are in-house are the business units that you represent/are part of, so you need to think more of a partnership mentality with your new (in-house) clients vs. your “service” model to other businesses who are elsewhere/separate (law firm model). It’s very important to express that you understand that you will be ‘in the same boat’ or are able to ‘walk in the shoes’ of the business unit you are joining. Alternately, if you are joining a very large in-house organization (which is organized functionally vs. placing lawyers closer to the business units), then you will not need to worry about this, as you will still be, say, a litigator. Also, I would have a good answer prepared about whether you are ready to take a pay cut to be in-house vs. biglaw (if that’s where you’re coming from).

      Other awesome differences–no more billing, being on the other side (e.g. you may be able to ‘outsource’ your work back to law firms). On the flipside, as in-house legal departments are getting leaner, you may not be permitted to outsource matters and may have very long hours bc you have to do work yourself. Good luck!

    5. Being in-house, I would want to know how good at problem solving you are, given the constraints of time, politics, and budget. A lot of my job is like one of those logic games on the LSAT, putting things in the right spot to maximize what we have, vs. what is “right.” Also, the ability to switch brains and multitask quickly and easily.

    6. Two concerns I’ve heard expressed about lawyers going from private practice to in-house are (1) how comfortable they will be with risk/ambiguity and (2) their ability to stand up to their clients when necessary.

      The two issues are actually often intertwined. As outside counsel, you are frequently advising your clients on the potential risks associated with a course of action, but it’s up to them to make the business decision. When you are in-house they will want to know what you think they should do, and the answer can’t always be the one that attempts to avoid all risk or nothing would ever get done.

      On the flip side, your clients are now people working next to you, who may also become your friends. If they want to pursue something that is illegal/unethical (or, more often, in a grey area) you have to be comfortable telling them no even when they outrank you.

      I’d try to think about examples from your existing practice where you’ve had to focus on what makes sense from a business perspective in addition to what is the “right” legal answer. I’d also think of times when you had to give a client or partner an answer they didn’t want to hear and how you managed to present the information and hopefully preserve the relationship. Both examples came up often when I was interviewing.

      Finally, fit is going to be important as well. So having a sense of humor and ability to get along with others is a bonus.

    7. In house attorney after 10 years in Big Law. I agree with everything that has been said so far, and wanted to add two points. On my first in house interview, I was asked “why do you want to work at this company,” and I said that it has a great reputation as a company, it was a market leader, it was known to be a wonderful place to work (shows up on all the working mother lists etc.), and the company had the kind of profile that would generate really interesting work, etc. etc. I thought this was a good answer, but no. The interviewer made it clear that she was looking for someone who was personally interested in and committed to the company’s business. While it was awkward at the time to realize that I had clearly lost whatever chance I had at that job with my answer, ultimately I was grateful for her frankness. At my next interview at a different company (the interview for the job I really wanted), I had a four part answer about how excited I was about the company based on my experience as a consumer, the company’s specific role in the local community, and the company’s role in the economy — why I wanted to be a part of this specific company and to work toward fulfilling its mission. There were more than a hundred qualified applicants for that job, many of whom had better qualifications than me, and I honestly believe that the factor that pushed me over the edge was my sincere, specific interest in the business. So my advice would be to come up with the best answer you can to the question “why us?” For example, if you’re interviewing with an airline, part of your answer could be about how you love to travel, or if you’re interviewing with a company that makes food products, talk about how you love to cook. I realize that not every industry will easily lend itself to this approach (what to say about a company that makes plastic coatings or turbines?), but do the best you can. And never ever suggest that you are excited to go in house because of the more reasonable workload. First, it might not be true, second, they’re not looking for someone who doesn’t want to work hard, and third, you’re sort of implying to the interviewer that you don’t think he or she works that hard. Good luck – I love my in house job and couldn’t be happier.

  10. I keep hoping I’ll look at my clock and see that it’s like 15 min until time to leave and then I can just say “oh well, it’s not like I’ll get anything more done today” and can justifiably space out for the short bit of the afternoon that’s left. Unfortunately, it’s only 2:50.

  11. Sorry for the second post, but this is on my mind:

    I’m getting married in 2015. My fiance and I agreed to the long engagement for a number of reasons. That being said, my mom and I went dress shopping last weekend, just to look, and I found what I think is THE dress. The wedding dress isn’t my top priority, but I found a gown that is exactly what I wanted.

    It’s a little out of my price range before alterations, which I was really disappointed about, because we really need to stay on-point with our budget. The sales associate followed up with me yesterday and said that a possibility is purchasing the sample dress (the one I tried on) and having that altered. It won’t be brand new, but it’ll be much less expensive.

    I wanted to know if anyone has purchased the sample dress before, and secondly, if anyone purchased a dress this far before their wedding. On the one hand I absolutely love the dress–I feel like it was made for me–but I don’t want to worry in a year that I picked one too soon. Any thoughts from the hive?

    1. I purchased my wedding gown in November 2009 and got married in August 2011. Before buying it I waited a little over a month and thought about it to make sure it was what I really wanted. I knew it was the one and didn’t regret it for a second.

      Also, my dress took almost nine (!!!!) months to come in, so I was glad I ordered it early.

    2. I would not buy it now, this far in advance. (Do you have a venue locked down already, because that might also change your dress needs.) But I would keep a picture and write down the name/item number because a year from now you might find it discounted or if not just for a reference of what you liked.

    3. I would absolutely have purchased a sample dress if that option had been available.

      My dress was originally $6000, marked down to $3000, marked down again to $1500, and with a friend’s Saks Fifth Avenue employee discount plus the sale going on at the time, I got the dress for $750. (I wrote my friend a check then and there for the amount, since to use the discount, she had to be the one to officially buy the dress.)

      I still think $750 was a bit too rich for my blood, so if I could have bought a sample that was further discounted, I would have. Also, a former colleague of mine told me that she rented her dress from this wedding place in the NYC Chinatown and it was the best deal ever. (She showed me the photos– it was a gorgeous dress!) If I’d known to do that I’d have not even purchased a dress – I’d have rented.

    4. It took me forever to find ‘my’ dress, but once I did there was no changing my mind, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. What I would advise though is not to do the alterations until a few months before the wedding. Your size might change a lot, if only because of the stress, and that could be costly.
      Congrats!

      1. oh, and also, ask for a discount! I got 20% of my dress, just because I asked

    5. If you buy this far in advance, you have to promise yourself to stop looking, or you will second guess like none other. I could not have done that, so I got my dress only about 7 months in advance.

    6. I bought a sample dress and had absolutely no issues with it! This way I was able to afford a dress I normally would not have been able to afford (it ended up being about 1/3 the price of the dress had I ordered it). I did need to get it dry cleaned prior to the wedding so keep that in mind when calculating costs.

    7. My wedding dress was the sample dress and other than a few small things (sewing on two buttons, a bit of snagged embroidery on the bottom) it was in great shape. I felt beautiful and the photos are great. You should absolutely ask for a discount–in the end, I got 40% off of the original price. Second the recommendation on not altering until a few months from your wedding though. It is a lot of pressure to try and remain the exact same size!

    8. If you love it, I vote for purchasing it. I purchased my wedding dress about 15 months in advance and never regretted it. But I also stopped looking, so that probably helped!

      You could try on a few more dresses first, and if your mind keeps going back to the other one, then you’ll know it’s THE dress for you. I have no experience with purchasing a sample, but a lot of my friends purchased gowns off the rack (i.e., the gowns had been previously tried on by other customers – maybe that’s the same as a sample). As long as everything looks right – no stains, snags, button/zipper issues, etc. – I’d say go for it given the discount.

      One thing to consider: where will you store it for 2 years? Will it be safe from moths, water, other damage?

    9. my sister bought her dress 3 years in advance. She ended up buying a second one shortly before her wedding because she decided she didn’t like it anymore.

    10. I bought my dress in February 2012 for a June 2013 wedding – I got it the week after I got engaged and it was the first dress I put on! I totally surprised myself but I just fell in love with it. I also have pretty classic style and the dress definitely fit in that aesthetic, as well as the aesthetic I was planning for the wedding (Southern, classic, church/ballroom). But I got it off the rack for half off, before I had a date or a place or anything else for the wedding planned, and I didn’t regret it for a second. I would second the recommendation to stop looking once you get it, so you don’t second guess yourself, but if you have consistent style and it’s not a super trendy wedding gown, go for it. I also had no problems whatsoever with getting the sample gown – it was beautiful and I just had it altered to fit (which is pretty standard even when you order a dress “in your size” for wedding dresses). The sample dress discount enabled me to get a much pricier and higher quality dress than I could have otherwise (and I personally found that more expensive wedding dresses were of much higher quality than inexpensive ones).

    11. I was a bridesmaid for a bride who bought the sample. She tried it on and decided on that style, and when the clerk went to measure her for sizing, noted that the sample was actually the right size. The clerk offered it to my friend at a deep discount and my extreme couponer friend was SOLD. Like another person mentioned, she did have to have it dry cleaned before the wedding, and I believe she also had some minor alterations to perfect the fit.

    12. The only reason I’d worry about buying a dress THAT far in advance is if it has a particularly trendy element – I don’t know, like the really elaborate skirt decorations – that are super in *right now* that by the time your wedding comes around may seem a bit dated (or at least may have been seen many times.) If you (a) don’t care about that or (b) if its a very classic cut, then really, I can’t see a huge downside – as long as you wait until right before the wedding to get alterations done.

      I’d also be willing to buy a sample dress – I’d just check it carefully for any issues beforehand.

    13. I bought my dress off the rack – no alterations required. I have no idea how many people may have tried it on before me and that doesn’t matter. When I buy a work dress I don’t expect that nobody has ever had it on before but that doesn’t make it any less “mine”. I wouldn’t hesitate at all to buy the sample dress.

    14. I wore a sample dress. It was in excellent condition and I got it for $800 instead of $3k. Alterations for fit and bustle were another $150-200, I can’t remember. Zero regrets.

    15. My dress was a sample dress too. If you love the dress, get it now but wait to alter in case you gain/lose weight. Any other dress you try on now will pale in comparison to something that you love.

      1. This!
        If you are like me, you know what you like and you will still like it next year (and possibly next decade, but we won’t go there.)

        If you can get it at an affordable price now, do it. Worst case scenario, you change your mind and consign the dress to recoup some of your money, right?

      2. If you love the dress, especially if what you like about it is somewhat unique – get it. Before I was engaged, I was picking up a Maid of Honor dress at a boutique. There was a dress on the front of the rack that was just.what.I.would’ve.wanted.

        Gorgeous sheath, sort of simple – with a beaded renaissance jacket over it. No big skirt, etc. Something that said, hey, some designer is reading your mind. I had to walk away from it.

        Fast forward 4 years – I’m getting married. Looked everywhere, nothing fit that description. And I am really good at finding things like this…and my mother sews…but it was not to be. I tease my husband if The Dress shows up, I’ll wear it for our 25th anniversary.

        The point is – styles change. If this is what you want – go for it. I did find a dress I liked, and I think it was a sample. I paid less than $200 (before alterations) in 2003. Ask for the discount. Drycleaning is a maybe for me. It depends on the fragility of the dress.Spot cleaning, certainly. A good airing on a mild sunny day, sure.

        Someone mentioned an excellent blog on drycleaning, maybe it was here? The advisability of dry-cleaning a wedding dress before the big day would be a good question for them.

        So – if you love the dress, and especially how it fits you/is your style, go for it!

    16. Also bought mine off the rack, sample dress.

      I got about $200 alterations, including reducing the train, length, and bustle.

      The tailor also took a few inches in at the sides to make my, “Oh, wow…” dress into “YOWZA!!” :)

    17. I bought a sample dress– and a “last year’s” sample dress at that! $6500 sticker price, paid $500 and THEY dry-cleaned it for me. I was/am tall enough that it didn’t need to be hemmed, and it was just a TINY bit too snug when I bought it but I lost about 5lbs pre wedding and it fit like a glove- no alterations needed other than to sew in br@ cups.

      It had a button or two missing, which I was able to replace easily. I think the hem was a little dirty–even after dry-cleaning, but I knew I’d mess it up the second I put it on, so I didn’t care at all. Nor was it visible in ANY photos. I looked like a million bucks.

      Only cautions would be (1) stop looking if you buy the dress this far in advance (2) save alterations for much closer to the wedding- who knows how your shape will change in the next two years and (3) get a discount. a serious one. Oh, and (4) don’t rub it in to fellow brides who dropped sticker price on their dress :)

      1. Oh, and for anyone within a drive of Boston- check out Vows (also bridepower dot com) for sample dresses. It’s like the TJMaxx of wedding dresses and AWESOME.

    18. Buy now, leave alterations to as close to the date as possible. You don’t know how your weight might fluctuate by then… And of course a sample dress is fine, as long as it’s in good shape!

  12. Need DC hair help!

    Does anyone have any recommendations for cut and color in DC? My current person moved salons and is now out of budget ($380 without tip for cut and highlights, for reference on what I consider out of budget).

    I have medium blond hair and am looking to darken it and get some copper.

    Thank you!!!

    1. Its in Rockville, but Kindle and Boom. You’ll have to get a quote for the color. Cut is $70-80. You could also try any of the Bubbles Salons they are usually a little lower in price.

    2. I go to PR Partners in Tysons for cuts. Nadine is the stylist I see, and she is great and ridiculously affordable for how fantastic she is. I’ve never done coloring, so I can’t speak to that.

    3. Try Christophe at the Saint Germain Salon in Penn Quarter. Cut & Color for me (although I just get some subtle highlights on my dark brown hair) rarely top $230.

    4. Ury & Associates in Georgetown on M St. Not cheap – I’m pretty sure less than $380 though – but they do a great job.

    5. I go to Bella Bethesda – I know not quite in DC but not far. Ngoc is great and he used to work in DC for many years. He does an AMAZING job!

  13. Eek! $380 is my haircut budget for the next two years, with money left over for shampoo from the drugstore. And maybe cappuccinos on the way home from the salon each time . . .

  14. Has anybody every had electrolysis on her face? If so, would you recommend it for the following problem: apparently, I’m turning into a billy-goat. Or a sad, bony pig.

    As I entered my 30s, I started getting a few hairs on my chin that were more like a pig’s bristles. There are 4 of them now. If I neglect them, they turn more into hairs and are easy to pluck.

    I get a week of peace after I pluck them before they return as stubble/bristle. I can’t stop touching them, and they annoy the @#%^ out of me. And now I’m considering getting them permanently zapped with electrolysis.

    If any of you have had electrolysis on the face, did you suffer any unpleasant side effects? Did you find it to be worthwhile?

    1. The aesthetician at my dermatologist’s office said laser works better. I did laser treatments a few years ago, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It wasn’t cheap and the first time was painful, but after a few sessions I was done and nothing has come back since. I’m a dishwater blonde with fair skin. The darker the hair and lighter the skin, the more effective it should be (so not sure if it works on women of color). Can’t compare with electrolysis though since I never tried it.

      1. Hmm, I don’t have such light skin, so I’d be afraid of hyperpigmentation afterwards.

        I have only had a few zits in the past few years, but they’ve left dark spots, unfortunately.

        1. The right laser tech can take this into account. They have to zap you with a lower voltage, but there are lasers that work great on women of color. Do some Google research and you can find the type of laser, then start looking for a local place. I don’t know which laser it is because I have only worked on an old tattoo (no hyper but some hypo pigmentation after, but I am prone to that), but I have talked to the nurse about zapping some hairs.

    2. My mother and I have similar coloring – dark hair, light skin – which is supposed to be the best scenario for hair removal. She tried electrolysis (chin) and I tried laser (underarms and bikini). Neither worked, even though both of us followed the 12 month protocol with all the appropriate after-care suggestions.

      I guess neither option guarantees 100% success rates, but it was SO frustrating to spend that money and be in the “ideal” group, yet still end up shaving/threading/waxing.

    3. It didn’t work for me. I honestly felt like I was taken and I ended up spending quite a bit of money for no result. No improvement after a year (yes I guess I’m a sucker, she just kept telling me I had stubborn hairs). Some immediate pain but no side effects for me. I would try laser if at all possible. I’m about to go that route myself.

      1. Ack. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t actually fix the problem.

        May I ask how much it cost and what region you’re located in? (I’d be doing this in NYC.)

    5. I did it in high school and haven’t had any problems since. It sucked to do but was totally worth it and took about 6 mos.

    6. I had a similar problem – one cheek whisker and two chin whiskers – and I get them lasered whenever they crop up. Before laser I was tweeting them all the time. After the laser treatment they’re gone for 3-4 months. Totally worth it for me.

      1. BTW, I did electrolysis on a different area 15 years ago and it took forever. I figure I’m just going to get more whiskers as I age (although I’ve had these three and only these three for a few years now) so electrolysis doesn’t make sense now.

  15. I would hope for skinny jeans to disappear too. I truly don’t like them. Though they have been there for so many years I NEVER bought one, and I don’t think I ever will.

    1. Interesting. I have been wearing only straight/skinny jeans and pants ever since I can remember (this is from the 1990s on) and will continue to do so, no matter what’s in fashion.

  16. I think it’s a matter of preference (and maybe geographic location), but how do you ladies pronounce the word “associate”?

    1) asso-she-ate, or
    2) asso-see-ate

      1. I’m with anon @4:01pm on the pronunciation. If it helps, with the exception of undergrad, I spent my entire life living in parts of NY and NJ.

      2. This is also how I pronounce it, but I live in the south and most people here pronounce it “asso-she-ate,” so I was curious to hear what others had to say. Thanks for participating!

      1. Accidentally hit report on this post, instead of reply. Many apologies. This is what happens when you post after drinking.

        But I’m with Wash DC Native on this one.

    4. I just realized that I’ve adapted to my surroundings. Southern by birth, been in Chicago for about 12 years.
      uh-so-see-ut: when referring to a law firm associate.
      uh-so-she-ut: when using associate as a noun in other contexts; e.g., business associate.
      uh-so-she-ate: verb

      1. Let’s see, Pacific Northwesterner my whole life,

        we say
        Uh-so-she-et for a person (like a law firm associate)

        and

        uh-so-si-ate for the verb, (like , I don’t associate with that type)

  17. Can anyone recommend a good hair cut place in the South Bay (Anywhere from Palo Alto to San Jose is fine with me)?

    2. I just started going to Srutih (she used to be an instructor for Yosh) at Monica Foster Salon in Palo Alto. I really like her…and I recall thinking her rates were surprisingly reasonable for the Bay Area, $70-80 I think.

    3. Leslie at FX Salon in South San Jose. She does a lot of short hair! She charges based on the complexity of my cut that day so $15-45.

      Also, if you are willing to go to Menlo Park, Sean (owner of Vizions Aveda Salon) is more expensive but pretty awesome. About $100.

  18. PSA: Banana Republic is offering 35% off your purchase when you use coupon code BRSHOP35. This code also works on 50% off select styles offer, so you can get some great deals!

    I just got a few great things for cheap, but they’re going fast… Tried to add a duplicate piece of jewelry to my cart as a gift, and it was already sold out!

    1. Wow, I just got a great deal on some earrings and a dress I’d been eyeing! Thanks for the heads up.

    2. Another sale PSA- Ann Taylor is offering $50 off when you spend $100 or more full price, which means you can effectively get 50% off if you plan well. Code FALLSTYLE.

  19. Partner Comp Question: The discussion of compensation got me thinking. Are there readers out there who are law firm partners and can talk about compensation opr who aren;t but know of some good resources on the topic? I am a senior associate and feel pretty ignorant about this stuff. I mean, I know how much an entry-level junior partner makes at my BigLaw firm but that’s about it. Discussion of equity vs. non-equity appreciated. Thanks, ladies.

    1. I think a partner tried to start a thread on this earlier this week. Not sure if there were any responses.

      Kat- I didn’t mean to hit report.

    2. Do you have a relationship with a recruiter in your field? Sometimes they have helpful data to share. Otherwise, it really seems to vary from firm to firm, and even within firms can be pretty opaque.

  20. I have dark armpits and I’m really embarrassed about them. How do I resolve this?

    2. This might sound crazy, but lemon juice. Also, stop wearing dark shirts. Your deodorant may be making a stain out of the dyes in your black shirts.

  21. Does anyone have a recommendation for a watch / jewelry repair shop in Manhattan? I have a watch with a silver mesh band that I would like to shorten.

    Thanks in advance, and have a great weekend!

    1. I actually had a really good experience with the Macy’s jewelry department–just with replacing a watch battery, but they were great.

    2. If it’s a matter of taking a link or two out, that’s a simple task any shop can do.
      For something more complicated, I had a great experience with the Grand Central Watch Repair shop in Grand Central station. They really know their stuff. http://www.centralwatch.com/

  22. In search of recipe suggestions:

    Anyone have any delicious baked good recipes that involve pears? I was given a whole bag full of some type of smallish green pear (they appear to have ripened over the last week and gotten softer and more yellow). Hate raw pear but am willing to give a muffin, bread, some other baked good a try. Suggestions?

          1. Correct, and it’s mighty tasty. SK also has a recipe for roasted pear & chocolate scones, which are simply to die for.

    2. Sounds like they would be better candidates for pear sauce or butter if they’ve overrippend. I made an upside-down ginger pear cake once that was very good. Too long ago to find the recipe, but hopefully that will point you in the right direction.

        1. I just searched and found this recipe today, which I haven’t made yet but plan to do so tomorrow. From “A Baker’s House” blog – Pear Butter in a Crock Pot. Link to follow. Hope it turns out!

    6. Pear & Brown Butter Ice cream. See Bi-Rite Creamery’s ice cream book as reference. Would be delicious.

  23. I know i asked yesterday, but it was at the end of the thread times. Is anyone in hospital administration, specifically risk management? What are your day to dayresponsibilities and what is your background? Do you need an MHA, or is another high -level degree sufficient?

  24. So the trouser-cut jeans I found at Savers for $6 that I thought were Tahari (the Macy’s line) are actually Elie Tahari – I apparently just scored brand-new-looking $230ish jeans for $6. I’m thinking this is grounds for counting my entire week as a win.

    (Side note, this was at the same Savers where I scored a Christian Dior blazer – 80s era, so it needed a little tailoring to look slightly less “holywow80s”, but still, Dior – for $8. I’m pretty sure whoever is doing the pricing there has no idea what they’re looking at.)

    2. There’s a thrift store in the extremely impoverished town next to mine that mostly gets its donations from another, extremely wealthy town in our county. All the clothes are priced $2, unless there’s a sale, when they’re $1. Probably my best find there was I got a Prada top, but I’ve found other really nice stuff too. It was definitely worth wading through the racks of retired-lady embellished capri pants!

      1. *Dying* at the “retired-lady embellished capri pants.” I’m pretty sure there’s a warehouse of these somewhere, and they just get shipped to all the thrift stores everywhere at regular intervals.

        1. I’m in SW Florida, so we have an extra helping. :) I actually love what I call “retired-lady jackets,” which usually have really nice fabric, a lot of embellishment, and a slightly boxy cut, but I’m at least 45 years too young to pull them off. I think I’ll be really well-dressed when I’m 70, though! The capri pants, I don’t have quite so much love for. This particular store usually has about 12 skirts, and 200 pairs of capris.

    3. Score! I (who rarely thrift shop) found a Ralph Lauren Black Label coat (wool/camel hair, knee/calf lenth, bracelet sleeves) that probably originally retailed for a grand, for $80. Snapped that one up.

    4. So I went back to Savers – jeans from Joe’s for $8, and Escada Sport jeans for $7. Their pricer clearly has not a clue.

    5. Thrift shopper here – hooray for a great find! Love, love love Elie Tahari – enjoy!

      And I am totally stealing “holywow80s” or holywow…anything, it just makes me smile.

      Have a great week

  25. Ladies, I have bad circulation in my feet and I think using a footrest at my desk might help – anyone have recommendations? TIA!

    1. I don’t have any recommendations, but if that doesn’t work you might want to try compression socks or socks for diabetics.

      1. +1. Check out basic ones at Walgreens. Start with the lowest compression.

        They can make your legs feel really good.

        Elevation is also a great idea.

    2. I have a footrest that also has a fan/heater in it. Got it from Office Depot online and delivered to the office. (The heater doesn’t cause the fuse to blow in any of the three offices where I’ve used it, so it’s approved the way a space heater isn’t. It’s more of a low-level fan, slightly warm and also has a plain fan setting. )

  26. I have a marriage and intimacy question.

    I have been married a little under a year. My DH, stereotypically, wants more garden parties than I do.

    Before I was married, I feel like I was bombarded with the message that my lady garden is special, and men don’t get to have a garden party just because they want to. No man has a right to have a garden party with me.

    But now that I’m married, things are different. I’ve seen threads on this topic on here before, and the best advice I’ve seen is, “Even if you’re not totally in the mood, start anyway. Maybe you’ll like it.”* But I feel like that goes against every message I’ve ever gotten that is that I decide 100% when I am going to have a garden party. No man gets to have a preference; it’s my body.

    I just am not as turned on as DH. I have tried to tell him that my body doesn’t just respond to, “So, are we going to have LGP tonight?” right before bed. I told him that I (and maybe more women than me) can’t be turned on in like 5 minutes. We are more turned on by the previous 24 hours, so sending me cute intimate/sexy texts during the day might lead to an LGP. Or some other ideas I’ve given him. But then he does those things, and I feel like he’s just doing it to get an LGP, so it doesn’t seem genuine, and I’m not ready when he asks the above question.

    Last night, he sent me a sweet text during the day. I thought it was very sweet and romantic at the time. But then we went home, made dinner, watched tv, and then he asked me the same question again. Honestly, I had forgotten about it.

    And I know that men view intimacy as the way they express their love to their partner. For women, I feel like we need to feel loved before we want to feel intimate. So then when I say no, on nights like last night, I feel awful and guilty, like I’m keeping him from being able to express his love to me. But I knew I wasn’t in the mood. And I want to be in charge of what happens with my body.

    Any advice from people who have been married longer? Does this conflict in my head make sense to anyone else?

    *Sometimes this is true. But sometimes, I know I’m stressed about something, and know I won’t like it. Or I know that if we start, I’ll be busy thinking about like 15 other things and won’t make it.

    1. It sounds like your DH can’t win in any way. You asked him to send you notes, he did, and you still rebuffed him. I do agree that often I get in the mood even if I didn’t start that way. It is your body and nobody should force you to do anything. However, I want to support my partner emotionally, and physically. There are worse sacrifices to make.

      1. I agree with this. You’re setting yourself up for failure here – you can only have an LGP when you feel like having one, when your DH initiates but you’re not aroused at that moment it’s like he’s taking away your right to decide what to do with your body but then you feel guilty about it, and when your DH does things that you’ve asked him to do to get you in the mood he’s not being genuine. Since your DH has a normal libido, and seems to be a good partner, of course he is willing to do what he needs to do to get LGPs. Honestly, I don’t see how you or your DH win in this situation.

        I’ve been with my DH for 12 years. Over the years one of my complaints to my DH was that I felt like he didn’t initiate as often as I did, and it made me feel undesirable. His response was that every time he attempted to initiate I told him no. So he stopped initiating as frequently. I decided that I was going to be receptive when he initiates and let him try to “convince” me to get in the mood. And, honestly, the vast majority of time it works. My mind is changed, I’m turned on, and I’m just as into it as he is.

        You shouldn’t have an LGP when you don’t want to, but allowing yourself to be persuaded (if it happens) otherwise isn’t a loss of control. It’s choosing to be intimate with your partner. And, above all, open communication with your DH is key.

    2. How often are you actually in the mood? Do you ever initiate if you are? I think you need to discuss with him how often each of you would like it ideally and come up with a compromise. Maybe plan in advance when you are going to do it (yes it may feel weird initially to schedule) so he doesn’t feel rejected. And for the record I try not to say no even if I’m not in the mood (fake it til you make it), but my husband doesn’t have a crazy libido.

    3. No advice here, just commiseration– I’m in the exact same boat. It’s really difficult, even though my DH is so easy-going and sweet and understanding that I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m suffering more from the guilt of it than he is from the lack of frequent LGPs. Just wanted to say you’re not alone, and thank you for asking the question– I’ll be watching this thread for advice!

    4. What if you were in his shoes? While I understand that people shouldn’t force you to have LGP, is it equally fair for someone in an otherwise healthy relationship to get to shoot you down all the time and effectively control opportunties? Marriage is about compromise. The advice you mention isn’t based in loss of sense of self control as it is in the necessity of give and take. Also, sounds like you see his expressions of affection differently than he does. You may need to revisit this to see each act as separate act of love rather than mere means to an end.

      1. This. I am your husband, in my relationship. My SO hasn’t touched me for 6 months. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the last 18 months. He just says he isn’t interested, and its not me, its him, etc. It breaks my heart. If your husband is anything like me, its not just about sex, but about sharing an experience with the one person that you’re able to do so with. The one person who committed to share this with you. And then just says no, and you’re SOL. I know you have your reasons, and you absolutely have the right to choose what happens with your body, but you really should consider what you are doing to him physically and emotionally. It really isn’t fair.

      2. It doesn’t sound like she’s shooting him down all the time, it just sounds like she wants sex less often. LGPs are two-person activities so both parties have to want to party.

    5. Some things to think about:

      What was your physical intimacy like with your husband before marriage. Not just what were the LGP like (if you had them) but other physical elements. Did you find your husband attractive? Did you cuddle on the couch, hold hands at dinner, sneak kisses in the grocery store? If you did find any sort of intimacy with your husband before marriage pleasant, has that intimacy stopped? Sometimes couples (especially couples just discovering LGP) jump straight ahead to the LGP and stop the make-out sessions, the cuddling, the touching, the hand-holding, etc. You need to figure out what makes you feel all tingly about your husband…and it sounds like it probably isn’t something that he can do the 5 minutes before bed.

      Also, have you experimented with your foliage yourself to figure out what you like? It sounds like you grew up with a fairly LGP-negative environment – and its difficult to suddenly be expected to grow a green finger when you’ve never really seen a forest before…sorry, I just don’t really know how to phrase things :)

      It helped my husband and I to re-define what makes a successful LGP. It sounds like for your husband, a successful LGP involves …I don’t know…actual action? But for my husband, its enough for him if I give a good effort at kissing and cuddling and if the gardening action doesn’t work out the way he had hoped (and sometimes, it doesn’t!), he knows that I tried and he got some affection, which is very important to the way he feels love. So for us, some nights success is just a really long make-out session. And that’s okay! It doesn’t have to be “Better Homes and Gardens” every night!

      If there is a religious/upbringing element, check on Amazon. There are a ton of people who have the problem of growing up in a LGP-negative environment and then suddenly being expected to switch upon marriage. So there are lots of books about it.

    6. Also no advice, just sympathy. And a different perspective.

      I was sort of in the same situation when I was married. And later when I had a live in bf (my last relationship nearly 10 years ago).

      I finally figured out that I really don’t like sex all that much. Much less than “normal”. In facet, I am now MUCH happier single and without it.

      When I was younger, I had a lot of sex, mostly that I didn’t want to have – to please a partner, to feel normal, because that is what everyone says you are supposed to do, etc.

      I never would have guessed growing up that I was asexual, but as it turns out, I am.

      Since you are in a committed relationship that includes intimacy, I would suggest marriage counseling if just talking to you husband and making some compromises fails. That I was supposed to perform on demand as a wife did not work for me at all, either. But my ex refused counselling.

    7. You have to initiate! Get yourself in the mood and then take the lead. That way, you are in charge and he will never say no. But, you still have to decide to get yourself in the mood, even when you aren’t.

    8. Ugh, I just typed out a whole thing and then there was a glitch and I lost it. Attempt #2:

      I think you’re approaching this from the wrong angle. When you say:

      “I feel like I was bombarded with the message that my lady garden is special, and men don’t get to have a garden party just because they want to. No man has a right to have a garden party with me. ”

      and

      “And I want to be in charge of what happens with my body. ”

      You’re coming off as defensive and a victim. Of course there are terrible sexual-based crimes that happen to women, but that doesn’t mean you need to be on alert for your husband. View him as a partner in your sexual relationship rather than an aggressor.

      Like others have said above, you need to think about how he feels as well, and compromise with him. All of us have times when we’re just not in the mood. However, I’ve found that if I take a moment to consider the proposal rather than immediately saying “no”, I usually end up having (and being super into) the LGP. I love your term for this by the way.

    9. Give yourself a break. Frequency of LGPs is always an issue in marriages. I was just reading an article on HuffPo that said that 55% of women think their husbands are happy with their sex life, but it’s actually 79% that are happy. If men never had to leave the garden they wouldn’t complain, but that doesn’t mean they are unhappy with the garden parties. Maybe some nights he needs to understand that “you just can’t get there from here”. It won’t change how much he loves you.

  27. Totally off topic so I saved this for the weekend thread. If you are sick of the pregnancy discussions please skip this. Have any of you ladies had an ECV for a breech baby? Pros? Cons? Timing? Thanks in advance.

    1. A friend of mine attempted this about a week before her due date, but it was unsuccessful. By that I just mean the baby didn’t turn, not that there was any harm caused. She said it was slightly uncomfortable but not too painful. She ended up having a cesarean.

    2. I had a successful one at maybe 36 weeks. Actual procedure took like 10 minutes but you’re at the hospital most of the day. My baby was breech my whole pregnancy and I did not want to have a scheduled c-section if it was avoidable. Really glad I did it!

    3. Did not have the procedure, but will pass on some advice from my OB and a midwife, for what it’s worth. Apparently, practicing the yoga positions ‘cat’ and ‘cow’ help coax the baby to turn head down. I did each for 2-3 minutes each day and not totally sure that it will turn a breach baby, but the stretch felt great anyway.

      1. * By ‘not sure if it will turn a breach baby’ meaning, ‘not sure if it is based on scientific fact or just an old wives tale.’ Sorry, I have a hard time putting together coherent thoughts at this time of night.

  28. For all of you ladies planning weddings, here’s a good one – I was asked today to sing at a wedding tomorrow evening. Apparently the MOB decided the day before the wedding that she wants a soloist. I have no idea who they are but this should be interesting!

    1. I must say I’m impressed. They hired me yesterday and my name and all of my music are in the programs. And they gorgeous. Tied with ribbons very tastefully. I wonder if they were printed yesterday? Big bridal party. Maybe they helped with the tying.

        1. The MOB picked Be thou my Vision and the Lord’s Prayer. Luckily, I found a concert arrangement of the hymn because it sits really low for me otherwise. I also sang a setting of Set me as a seal during prelude. Had we had more time and if I’d known what else the guys were playing, I would have picked something different, but it was very last minute!

  29. Happy New Year to all the Jewish **ettes. I have never been able to fast without getting very b**chy. Is there something wrong with me or is this common. Do any of you really go 24 hours without feed, drink, or bathing? Do you have any secrets you can share?

    1. I’m Jewish but not religious so I’ve never fasted for holidays. I’ve had to fast a few times for medical reasons and it was horrible even though I could drink clear liquids including tea. I was starving the whole time and definitely acted a little crazy. Personally I don’t think going 24 hours without water is healthy so even if I fasted I would drink water (and I know a number of observant Jews who fast this way).

    2. I am a terrible faster. Seriously, awful. On regular days I eat every few hours and get crabby if I’m hungry at the end of the day.

      I do fast the major fasts though (9 Av and YK). I’ve handled them much better this year than in previous years- no fainting or throwing up, no feeling sick for 2 days after a fast, generally able to manage better overall. I doubt fasts will ever be a super inspiring experience for me like they are for some people, but I’m able to get through them and focus on praying at least for a good chunk of the day (although not in synagogue, I leave early and pray at home to conserve energy). I attribute this 100% to eating really nutrition-packed foods the day before – not rice, potatoes, white bread, but lots of quinoa, chickpeas, proteins (salmon, chicken, meat), whole grains, and a good amount of light vegetables. Lots of water too, although not as much as I feel I ought to. And don’t force yourself to eat so much you feel terrible from the beginning.

  30. Kinda late to the weekend thread, but… Does anyone own Dansko clogs? If so, what are the pro’s and con’s? What color(s) do you recommend? I know they aren’t the most glamorous of shoes, but I’d like some comfy shoes to wear with jeans, corduroys and sweaters. Please let me know your thoughts!

    1. I had a pair in college / high school (2000s) that I wore constantly. I still own a pair, but virtually never wear them. I did have the ankle-rolling issue with them and I found that the newer pairs were not as comfortable for me.

      1. +1 on the ankle rolling thing. I can’t wear my mine anymore for fear of doing serious injury to myself. Which is a shame b/c they are comfy.

    2. I love my Danskos! I have a pair of black patent ones that didn’t fit my mom right so I stole them to wear for myself. I also had a pair of navy blue ones as well that got old so I stopped wearing. In my opinion the less crazy you get with the colors the more neutral the shoe is and can be worn with more things [which is why I love the black ones so much].

      They are my go to winter shoe when I don’t care about feeling super fashionable. I think they look fine for casual wear under jeans and also wore them for my work shoes when I worked as a front desk clerk during the summer because they were the most comfortable shoe to stand all day in. I don’t see myself wearing them so much when I graduate from law school as they are not super dressy or formal. But, they would also be good commuting shoes as mine do a good job in the rain and when it is snowing/ there isn’t a lot of snow on the ground.

      I do admit there is the ankle rolling problem, but I guess I would say that they aren’t so good for cobblestones or really uneven sidewalks. But honestly, I find myself more prone to rolling my ankle if I commute in even kitten heels than in my clogs.

  31. Can anyone recommend a hotel in playa del carmen for a 4 day long weekend? We’re not usually beach resort kind of travelers, but for our first post-baby getaway, maybe it would be relaxing? Would love any tips!

    1. If you don’t want to do a resort, maybe try Tulum? My husband and I just spent a week there, and it was AMAZING. We stayed at a little hotel called The Beach. There are tons of restaurants around the hotels, and lots to do if you want. If you don’t want to do anything, the beach is completely beautiful. The only thing is that there’s not really any night life in terms of clubs if that’s your thing.

      I heard of Tulum on this site in the comments one day, and I’m very glad we went!

  32. oh man, it’s still way too hot here for corduroys. i think it was in the 80s in dc today. i have some from the gap that i always wear in the fall/winter though.

  33. Just found out that a former classmate’s baby passed away suddenly (wasn’t sick or anything). I haven’t spoken to this classmate in years but we used to be pretty friendly but then drifted apart once we weren’t really seein each other on a daily basis in class. I am so saddened to hear of her loss and want to do something for her but have no idea what. In my culture, no one really sends food baskets. I was thinking of sending her a note but I wouldn’t even know what to write in it. I’ve never even met her daughter, I’ve just seen pictures of her on Facebook so that’s how I found out about her birth. Can anyone help with this? I’m just so afraid of putting something in a card that will cause her even more pain. I also don’t live in the same city as her anymore so it’s not like I can really do much in person either.

    1. I think the note can say basically what you said here. Keep it short and to the point; she may not have the bandwith to read lengthy notes anyway. You could write:

      “Dear Friend, I was deeply saddened to hear of your loss. Please know that I am here for you and want to provide support in any way I that I can. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if there is anything you need. You and your family will be in my thoughts [and prayers, if applicable]. Sincerely, Anon”

    2. Dulcinea is spot on. Many times people (including me) want to write but feel awkward and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But the letter only has to be 3-4 sentences and since you aren’t terribly close, those few sentences are enough. Saying that you’re sorry, that they have your support – mentally and emotionally – and that they are in your prayers/thoughts is all that is needed.

    3. You could also consider a donation to a children’s charity in her memory…I’m sure there is one for SIDS, or what have you. I would avoid anything with specific religious overtones, and if you are not sure of cause of death you may want to avoid that specifically. If there is a surviving sibling you may want to consider a charity that deals with those issues. More than anything, I think a short note expressing your sadness is enough. I could imagine that losing a child is such a lonely, awful experience that any support would be appreciated. If you really wanted to do something, mark the day down on your calendar for next year and send a card then too. My friend had a child die and he felt that after a few months, no one remembered the presence of his son. What an awful feeling.

    1. Just hugs. I very much understand this feeling. All you can do is keep swimming, you know?

  35. I have to share what may be my greatest consignment shopping victory of all time: I just got a Jil Sander wool skirt for $32. THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS. It is the loveliest, softest wool I have ever felt, it makes my trafficstopper look awesome, and it was THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS.

    (It’s not a current-season piece, but apparently it retailed for close to $1000, based on my internet sleuthing.)

  36. I need some non iron/wrinkle free button downs. I do not want to pay more than $100 per shirt. I am petite and busty. Where does a person buy such things?

    2. Brooks Brothers and Banana Republic are the obvious answers for non-iron shirts, but I’m not sure about the gaping issue. I think people here mention custom brands that handle busty figures and avoid gaping. You might try searching past posts.

      1. +1

        I found my favorite mint colored JNY button-front shirt at Marshall’s for a song.

    4. Costco. No kidding. I have had great luck with their Kirkland button-front shirts, which are something like $16.99 apiece.

  37. Quick question for all you savvy international business travelers: I’m heading to some formal meetings in Geneva at which I will be wearing skirt suits. Should I pack panty hose? Is that something women in Europe wear? I don’t want to commit a faux pas by going bare.

    1. If you’re wearing a black suit or an outfit that includes a black skirt or dress I would suggest black tights-more modern and the black on black will be elongating and make you look slimmer and taller. Just add a pair of black heels to finish the look.

      1. Thanks. I can’t imagine wearing tights when the weather is nice (70s and 80s).

        1. If it’s hot and in the 80’s forgo the tights and just throw on a fabulous pair of pointy toe heels with your skirt or pants. As long as your skirt isn’t too short and you have nice legs this is a great option! Have fun and safe travels.

  38. Does anyone have an unconventional alternative to dairy for their coffee (both hot and iced)? I use and love half & half, but it doesn’t make me feel great and I’ve decided it’s not worth it. I’ve tried both soy and almond milk and am not a fan of either…

    Suggestions?

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