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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 237 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Halston Heritage Novelty Graphic-Pleat Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Halston Heritage Novelty Graphic-Pleat DressThis dress feels both familiar and new — we've seen the origami/asymmetric dress before, but never quite like this. The long vertical folds on the bodice look flattering and cool (although, BG, can we not call them “crumb-catcher pleats” please?) and, of course, I love that dark teal color and the cap sleeves. It's $425 at Bergdorf Goodman. Halston Heritage Novelty Graphic-Pleat Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. New Girl

    Travel TJ – I’m planning a trip to Switzerland next year and would love some inside tips! I’ve been to Geneva already and am looking to explore the German and/or Italian speaking regions this time around. Not sure yet if it will be in April or October so any and all suggestions welcome. TIA!

    • SAlit-a-gator

      I loved Lucerne – not sure if it’s in the German or Italian speaking regions, but it was gorgeous.

      • Veronique

        +1. We did a family trip to Bern, Lucerne and Zurich (all German) and it was one of my favorite vacations ever. We took trains in between, and also took a train out to the countryside to Mount Pilatus (highly recommended), taking the world’s steepest cograil to the top. We did walking tours (photocopied from our Frommers guidebook) in each city to see the sights/architecture and learn more about the history, though I’m sure there are also organized tours. Zurich recommendations include the Old Town and any of the major museums. Lucern recommendations include the Old Town, Chapel Bridge, Dying Lion Monument, Pilatus, Hofkirche and Lake Lucern. Bern recommendations include the Old Town, Museum of Fine Arts, Bear Park, Historical Museum, Munster Kirche and Clock Tower.

        I’d recommend at least one trip out to the countryside/mountains, either by train or walking/biking (or a combination), depending on how active you want to be, because the scenery is absolutely beautiful! Of course you should eat delicious Swiss food like rosti and fondue and lots of chocolate! Go to the chocolate stores where you can pick what you want and they box it for you, rather than buying it pre-boxed.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love this pleated dress, and have been to BERGDORFF’s onley last week!

      As for the OP, I have not been to Switzerland, but I love Swiss Chocolate. When we were dateing, Alan got me Lint Chocolate’s from Switzerland and they have their own place on 5th Avenue, where they give out FREE CHOCOLATE. Yay!

      This weekend, I did NOT get any food on Saturday morning, tho Dad had a cup of coffee, then we all prayed for a while and David was there talkeing to Dad, and now I promised dad I would let David take me out and try again. I told him I do NOT think we are economicaly compateible, but Dad say’s he will make up the diference, b/c he was a littel LEERY of Sam’s intent and he does not like the name WILLEM. He said it reminded him of the movie of the guy with the RAT’S, named WILLERD, and I do NOT like rat’s either. FOOEY, b/c they are all over the city, near me b/c they are buildeing the second avenue subway!

      Myrna loved the matza ball soup and we finaly got home Sunday in time to go to the MUSEUM. YAY! I love MUSEUM’s b/c there is a lot of stuff in there I have NEVER seen before. The guard there followed me from room to room as if I was goeing to steal something! I asked him what he was doeing and he said “walkeing”, but I think he was just stareing at me and Myrna, b/c Myrna is very cute and she was weareing a very cute outfit.

      Now the manageing partner has asked me to start planning our move. He said he want’s to go Digital, but I think he does NOT want to pay for the space for our library. FOOEY! I need to do research, but How can I do it w/o a library? He does NOT read book’s and Frank surf’s the Internet, so that leave’s me to do all the work. FOOEY!

    • Ellie

      It depends what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for cities with an old inner city core, Luzern, Bern and Zürich and maybe even Schaffhausen are those places I’d recommend (forgive me I use the German spelling of those city names, I don’t know the proper English equivalents). Luzern is nice for the area where it’s situated – a cable car goes up to the “house mountain”, Pilatus, and you can travel to Righi, one of the most famous viewpoint to the lake in the region, the Vierwaldstätter See. It’s also the birthplace of the “historic Switzerland”.

      Though – well, at least for us Europeans – Switzerland is more famous for its mountain tops of the Alps. The most famous and beautiful 4000m mountains of the Alpine range are located in Switzerland. The most famous spots are the Eiger – Mönch – Jungfrau – front in the Bernease Alps, and the most famous mountain is the Matterhorn mountain in Zermatt. The Jungfrau region can be easily reached via Interlaken – you can approach the Jungfrau Joch above the lomgest glacier of the Alps via both Grindelwald and Lauterbrunnen and both stations can be easily reached via Bern – Interlaken. Zermatt is more difficult to reach but I think there is a train going through the tunnel via Bern – Interlaken too.

      Hope this helps :)

    • EC MD

      I love love love switzerland. One very fun way to do it is a hut to hut walking tour through the Bernese Oberland. We walked from Grindelwald to Lenk and had a fabulous time. It is so picturesque that you can’t even believe it. Some people contract with a tour operator so that their luggage gets transported from place to place, but you could also just do it with a backpack.

      Another option would be Lucarno and the lake region, which is Italian speaking. The food is great, and there is a lot to do.

    • Guen

      I used to live in Lausanne. I recommend a stay there. One of the best restaurants in the world is nearby in vevy, and you can go see Chateau Chillon and a cool but strangely out of place statute of freddie mercury in montreux. highly highly recommend a visit to the castle and cheese factory of Gruyere nearby.

      • Guen

        also agree with all of the other comments. It’s really hard to go wrong in switzerland. It’s all beautiful. definitely you should go high up in the alps or the prealps just to feel it. food in the french part is WAAAAY better. (I assume that the Italian-Ticcino canton food is good too, but I haven’t been there)

        Also, I meant to say statue, not statute of freddie mercury. sorry, my mind is in legal status right now.

      • G----

        I have kind of the opposite problem of the person above. I am a public interest lawyer. I love my job. I get to help people, I get to be creative, and my job is really interesting. I leave at 5 most days to pick up my 3 kids.

        But I feel like a LOSER. I don’t make much money, and I don’t have a lot of prestige. I help poor people, and I don’t have contact with many people in power. My best friend from law school makes what seems to be a million times more money than me, and is in an extremely powerful position. I should note that she is having a rough go of it, and doesn’t get to see her kids anywhere near as much as i do. I was at the top of my class in law school and I feel like I am wasting my potential! I’m very happy in my day to day life though.

        please help me stop feeling like such a LOSER.

  2. ShaneBot

    TJ / paging TCKFAG:

    Any tips on great tops? I realized all/most of my tops are v-neck sweaters or the silk/poly button down blouses in solids.

    Does anybody have any tips for finding/sourcing great work/casual tops that would travel/photograph well?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Along these same lines – any recommendations for short sleeve/elbow-length sleeve/three-quarter sleeve sweaters that will look nice under suits? I’m in a business-always office, and stocked up on shells before starting (since I’m usually hot) but our office is 27 degrees below zero, and I’m freezing. (No long sleeves though, as I’m that awkward size between petite and regular, where regular sleeves are too long and petite sleeves are too short. Also, I can’t do button-downs.)

    • In the Pink

      I like the poly/modal Judy P tops. the double fabric on the front helps them lie smoothly. They have a nice, subtle sheen, even after multiple washings and wearings. Love that they are hand wash, no dry cleaning like sweaters. Usually found in local boutiques or directly on line. There are different necklines and sleeve styles (incl. tanks). I can’t do button front blouses, so these are my mainstay. They travel well too.

    • TCFKAG

      So – my favorite three stores for work tops are Boden, Talbots, and Ann Taylor (with the occasional J-Crew [generally too pricey] and Banana thrown in). Boden has great prints [might take care of your everything is a solid problem] and both Talbots and Ann Taylor tend to have great shirts in simple shapes mixed in with their weirder seasonal “trendy” items (which I do buy, I just never pay full price for.) I’ve also gotten a couple items from Land’s End/Land’s End Canvas and for button downs I go with Brooks Brother’s Outlet. I also love Target for random work and casual tops – some of my favorites are from there.

      For travel shirts – recently for a casual shirt I bought a Columbia Bug-Shield shirt (you can try it on at a store but if you order it from Amazon you get way more prints and its cheaper by a bit) which travels well and is outdoorsy without looking too much like you just came in from the literal trail. For dressier travel needs in terms of tops, I just pack anything that looks good a bit wrinkled (so I have a couple of washable silk shirts that kind of look like they “should” be wrinkled as well as a couple of cotton shirts that have the same effect.) I also avoid truly form fitting shirts and tend to go for more blousy, button downs – I think they photograph better and are more comfortable for long plane and car rides.

      I feel like this is a weirdly vague answer – but shirts are also a very broad topic. :-P

      • ShaneBot

        Thanks! My question came out vague and weird (I blame it being a Monday), all precipitated by realizing that I have work tops and sweaters and lovely sheaths, but no good casual tops that aren’t tanks or sweaters.

    • Blair Waldorf

      Putting in a plug for Tinley Road tops from Piperlime. Very reasonably priced, trendy but classic, and they’ve held up well! Most of the long sleeve shirts are in a similar material that does not wrinkle.

  3. Anon for this

    Quick question for the hive- Does anyone have any experience working for Akerman Senterfitt or otherwise know anything about what it is like to work there? I am considering a move to that firm, but I don’t want to jump from the pot into the fire. TIA!

    I love this dress!

    • petitesq

      I have not worked there, but they have an office in my city that is well regarded. I would say that, unfortunately, it will probably depend on which office you are in.

  4. emeralds

    Love the dress! Gorgeous color and interesting neckline.

    Quick TJ. For the last month or two, I’ve been dating a really great guy. He’s sweet, easy to talk to, and has a goofy side that is a breath of fresh air after my last few Serious McSeriousface boyfriends. What I’m having trouble with is just that I don’t feel like I have enough time to actually you know, spend the time with him that would be necessary to see if we could work long-term. I’m working and in grad school, and he has an unpredictable work schedule involving a lot of nights and weekends, so we just don’t have a ton of overlapping free time; and while I think we’ve both been good about carving out time, it’s usually shorter blocks, like for lunch or an afternoon coffee, not the kind of free-form, no-deadline stuff that I’ve had with other guys. I know this is a fairly typical thing, and I guess I’ve just been lucky so far to have avoided it–I’m just having a harder time than I would have thought actually dealing with it. Any tips?

    • Silvercurls

      What’s wrong with just taking things as they are? If your socializing time is limited, better to spend it with this really great guy than with several Mr. Serious McSerious guys (or worse)! This way your short get-togethers can be a source of happiness. Grad school isn’t going to last forever. If you guys enjoy each other enough that you want to spend more time together or be more formally connected you’ll find a way to do that without neglecting your other obligations. The free-form, no-deadline stuff is lovely but most of everyday life in an ongoing relationship is a lot more about staying connected in spirit despite being separated by space, time, and/or other responsibilities. From what you say, this relationship sounds as if it has potential. Treat it as if it’s going in that direction–while keeping up with the rest of your life–and see what happens. Good luck!

    • NOLA

      I agree with Silvercurls. If you’re enjoying things with him, then let go and be ok with the time you have. My SO and I have had more or less time together depending on circumstances. But even if we only had a couple of hours, we could relax a bit and even have dinner (I am a master at pulling together dinner in 10 minutes!). It sounds like you’re enjoying the change of the kind of guy. You may just need to loosen up your expectations.

    • MaggieLizer

      I totally understand your concern. It’s important to see someone in lots of different environments and spend enough time together that you can each really relax and be yourself. Coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. dates can be kind of interview-like – you’re each staring at each other across a table trying to be on your best behavior. Not really ideal for getting to know someone.

      If you only have small chunks of time, try to do something different that will still fit in the window you have. Go to a wine or beer tasting (check out local liquor stores – those tastings are faster to get in and out of than a winery or brewery), an antique or craft show, pick an exhibit you’d like to see at a local museum, take a walk in a garden or park, get an ice cream and walk around a downtown area, etc. Hopefully you can find time to spend a day, or even half a day, together sometime soon, but doing fun and different stuff might at least give you a better idea of whether this guy has real potential.

      • AnonBK

        On the flip side, if its a question of ‘what would we be like day-to-day’, you could try doing some of that stuff. Make dinner instead of going out. Sneak in a trip to the dry cleaner after your coffee. Go grocery shopping together. Expand from ‘dating’ stuff to ‘daily life’ stuff.

  5. Hair Tools

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a set of hot rollers and/or a hairdryer? My dryer is on its last leg (it started making strange noises this morning… not a good sign) and while I’m at it, I figured I might as well look into hot rollers as I’ve wanted to try them for awhile. Thanks!

    • mascot

      I have a Babyliss (likely bought at TJ Maxx years ago) that is awesome. It’s cracked and chipped from being dropped multiple times, but it does a nice job on my fine, straight, thick hair. I’d consider the brand again when time coems to replace it.

      • Miss Behaved

        You could be me. I bought my babyliss at TJMaxx, too, and I also have straight, thick hair.

        • Hair Tools

          Thank you both. I’m also your hair twin (triplet?) – thin, straight, but lots of it. I will check this brand out. Thanks!

    • Maddie Ross

      My favorite hot rollers are a set of Conair from Target. There are 5 of them in the set. I think they cost less than $25, so it’s not a huge commitment if you don’t like them. They last forever though.

      • Houston Attny

        Are they super big rollers? Does it give you lift and volume or actual curl?

        I think I’ve seen sets like these and am so curious. Thank you, Maddie Ross!

        • Maddie Ross

          I use mainly to smooth and control the ends and add a little volume at the crown. It doesn’t really add a lot of curl.

  6. Anon For This

    Is there a way to make yourself happy in your current job? I’m a junior associate and I know objectively, I’m very lucky to have the job I do. I get to work directly with one very interesting senior lawyer in particular and have a lot of very substantive and interesting work to do.

    That said, I’m miserable and unmotivated and unproductive and I don’t know how to change that.

    Do I just need to find a new job?

    • Lia

      I’d recommend focusing on your out-of-work happiness for a while (if anything is currently lacking in life out of work) and see if your perspective on your job improves.

    • Cat

      Step 1 is figuring out why you’re feeling this way. If it goes to the nature of firm life (a somewhat unpredictable schedule; other people’s delays actually DO turn into your problem when the client or partner wants to stick to a deadline; obligation to feel freaked out over everything being perfect) then maybe you do want a new job, but I suggest getting yourself to mid-level status for better exit opportunities. Maybe having that goal out there will help you focus — “I’ll look more attractive to companies if I really learn about area X.”

      If it’s regular jitters (not sure where to start on a project, worried you’re overlooking things, need help prioritizing) those can all be tackled and are pretty typical for newer lawyers (and sometimes not-so-new lawyers too!)

    • mascot

      Do you have enough depth of experience to be able to tell if you dislike the actual practice of law or just don’t like your environment? Practicing law is stressful, clients are stressful, there will be times that it is incredibly boring and there will be times where you don’t have time to breathe. That being said, it’s not all of those things all the time. I don’t think anyone likes their job 100% of the time. But, if there are parts that you really like, figure out how to mzximize those parts. This gets a bit easier as you get more senior and have more control over your work.
      I also think that you have to break the mentality of “i am lucky to have the job I do” if it is a job you really don’t like. Because then, in addition to not liking your job, you are dealing with that self-induced guilt.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I’m kind of in a similar position, not completely miserable but to an extent losing interest. I think ultimately, it is a question of figuring out why you are miserable. Is it the type of work, the hours, the people, the office culture? Once you figure that out, it becomes (in theory at least) easier to decide whether it is a change of job, career or just change of attitude. For the record, my sister had a really hard time at work for a while, depression, anxiety etc arising out of largely work-related stress. She is a CIO and it is quite hard in her geographic location and industry to find another job quickly, so she saw an occupational therapist and as a result is now much happier because she learned how to deal with the anxiety and stress and get less worried about work.

      So I think ultimately the source of unhappiness is what will help you figure out what you need to do.

    • Avodah

      Agree w/ the answers so far. I had a job like that last year (not in law). I was miserable. When I woke up I was angry, and when I got home I would get into bed and cry and didn’t know why…Turns out I hated my job.
      Find any happiness outside work (friends, dog, workouts, gourmet coffee in the morning, a fave TV show every Tuesday, *anything*).
      Be positive and friendly to your colleagues (paralegals, admins, associates). I know you’re unhappy, but try to fake being positive.
      Seriously consider looking for new work. You don’t have to be one foot out the door, but consider options that might make you happier.
      If need be, see a therapist. You might need a more objective person who can help give you coping mechanisms.
      Hang in there!

    • Blue

      No advice, just commiseration. I was completely nauseous this morning at the idea of going in to my job. I’ve started getting ducks in a row to get a new job, but like you said everyone goes back to the fact that we’re “lucky” to be employed at this point no matter how unhappily. I know it’s true but it is really unhelpful to hear. Frankly commiserating with a friend in a similar position is helping me the most because we can proofread cover letters for each other, look for jobs for the other one when we’re tired of our own search, etc.

      • KLG

        Honestly, other than being stressed about finding a job, being unemployed for a few months in 2011 was a WELCOME relief from the job I had hated so much. I could actually sleep at night and go a whole week without breaking down in tears. Yes, we’re all very lucky to have jobs, but when they start to wear on you too much, it’s definitely okay to walk away. The people who remind you that you’re lucky to have a job didn’t wake up nauseous about going to theirs. Good luck to you and the OP with finding a new one.

    • Matilda

      I second Avodah’s suggestion about seeing a therapist. After more than a year of being COMPLETELY miserable in my job (to the point where I was literally fantasizing about having a slightly debilitating car wreck on the way to work just to get a week off), I started seeing a therapist/ADD coach a couple of months ago. Granted, a lot of other things changed at the same time, but I really think she’s made all the difference in forcing me to take a step back and look at how my job is structured, what’s working, what isn’t, and how I can change things. I’m not saying I’m necessarily the happiest worker bee on the planet, but I’m definitely back to liking my job, and feeling kind of jazzed to show up most mornings.

      • That sounds amazing

        Can you tell me how you found an ADD coach? Is he/she covered by insurance? My docs solution is medicate/medicate/medicate. I have refused to increase my dose and I have found many self-coping skills that help but I really think I could benefit from a coach. I googled around and didn’t find much in my area.

        • Matilda

          I just googled “therapist” and “ADD,” and then started calling. A friend of mine also found one by just calling a therapist he knew of with a good reputation in another field and asking for a referral. The one I use is an MSW, so she is classified as “therapy” by my insurance and is covered.

          I found that the medication was really helpful, but that I didn’t actually have much in the way of life skills. She’s been excellent for giving me some of those. It’s also nice to have the normalization of things I always thought were bad habits (e.g., apparently it is REALLY common for ADD folks to forget about things like birthday cards to go with gifts), so that I can try to identify causes and strategies instead of just beating myself up over them.

          Hope this helps!

  7. anon-oh-no

    This dress is just lovely. Sadly, I have recently come to the conclusion that cap sleeves simply do not look good on me (i.e., they make me feel self-conscious about my arms, which are not inherently flabby, but I always think they are when I put something with cap sleeves on). Sticking to that resolve is somewhat difficult, but every single thing I buy with cap sleeves winds up going back, so by not buying such items, I’m saving myself the dissapointment of having to return it anyway.

    Do others have things like this?

    • preg 3L

      Yes — one-shoulder tops/dresses. Every single time I try, it ends up going back.

    • Sydney Bristow

      V-neck cardigans. If I wind up keeping one it becomes the item that I never wear. I’ve had to cut myself off completely.

    • emeralds

      I’m with you on the cap sleeves, and will add drop waists. They do not work on me. At. All. Ever.

      • Veronique

        +1 to drop waists. So unflattering on me! I don’t even bother to try on shift dresses or other dresses that are cut straight. I am not straight, and therefore they are guaranteed to be too tight on bottom and too small on top.

      • Equity's Darling

        Same here on drop waists. I wish they looked good on me because I love them, but no such luck

      • TCFKAG

        Ah, the plight of the short, mid-waisted. I feel like, shorter waisted items can be made to work on a longer waisted person with the placement of a strategic belt (not perfect, but it can work.) But on a short waisted person, the drop waist is just a do not pass go, do not collect $100, go directly to jail kind of feature. At least – in my experience.

    • Walnut

      Pencil skirts. Or dresses with a pencil-skirt like bottom. They just hang in my closet until I donate them.

    • S in Chicago

      Loafers. They are supposed to be super comfortable, and I love the idea as a preppy alternate to sneakers. But every blessed pair I try never fits quite right. My heel slips out or my toes are scrunched. The lack of arch support is unbearable. Doesn’t matter whether high-end brand or simple Sperry. My feet just weren’t meant for them apparently.

    • Matilda

      Halters. I love halters…on other women. Halters, it turns out, do not love me. Not only are they horribly uncomfortable (seriously, I feel like I’m sticking my neck out like a pelican or something) — I’ve discovered that not even a professional wedding photographer can make a picture of me in a halter dress look good. And yet…they look lovely on other women, and so I continue to try.

    • In the Pink

      Yes! And I find they don’t lay down well enough for cardis and jackets.

      So I have to love the fabric, color, and cut. Then I pay my seamstress to remove the cap sleeves.

      Works like a charm.

    • NWanalyst

      I have this problem with shirt dresses. Occasionally, I take leave of my senses and convince myself one is flattering to me. Then it sits in my closet, unworn and unloved.

      Miniskirts tend to be the same way. Oh yes, they look fantastic on, and I will definitely wear one… on that “unicorn” day when I’m not worried about anyone’s disapproval *and* am having a thin day *and it’s the weekend. Yes. That nonexistent day.

  8. T. McGill

    I’ve been looking for a new (non-work) bag for awhile, but can’t seem to find anything I like. I want something medium sized, to hold a wallet, phone, umbrella, misc. junk, leather, kind of structured, which can be worn on the arm or as a cross-body. I just saw the Marc by Marc Jacobs Mini Rei Satchel, which I kind of fell in love with, but I just cannot make myself pull the trigger due to sticker shock. The outer limits of my budget/comfort zone is $250. Can anyone convince me to pull the trigger or suggest an alternative I should consider? TIA!

    • Avodah

      Coach has some really fun and affordable cross body bags right now. I like the Legacy Mini Tanner crossbody.

    • AIMS

      Jcrew has similarly shaped bags, many on sale, and they are having a 25% off everything promo right now.
      Or you can wait for this bag to go on sale. Most MBMJ bags usually do.

      • Anon

        If it helps with the price point enabling – I’ve carried a black MBMJ bag DAILY (Ellen caps!) for two years and it still looks new. Very, very good quality for the money.

    • michelle

      see Diana Barry’s post below! I got a similar idea bag to your Marc Jacobs one from Cole Haan and am very happy with it but I got it at their outlet store

    • Godzilla

      That is a GORGEOUS bag. But my fave brand is Fossil. So many options. Also, never pay full price (you can use a 20% off coupon at Macy’s).

  9. Diana Barry

    TWO BAGS AVAILABLE!

    Hey r e t t e s, I have two Cole Haan bags available for anyone who wants them. One is black and is similar to the “Village II Satchel”. The other is brown and a little bit pebbled, looks like the “Crosby Archer Satchel”. Will post links with pics.

    Please email me at dianabarry r e t t e at gmail if you are interested in either!

  10. NOLA

    Not sure if any of you ladies can help with this since most of you are MUCH younger than I am, but… I am just feeling down about how I look right now. I feel like my hair looks awful no matter what I do, and it’s the same cut that has looked great. I feel like it looks too severe. It can look looser in humidity but that’s hit or miss and I’ve been hesitant to go longer because it’s thin. My glasses are a nerdy frame and now I feel like they’re too severe but, after all of the vet bills, I can’t afford $950 for new glasses (my lenses are hideously expensive). I think part of it right now is that I’m under a lot of stress and tired most of the time. I am pale and I feel like I look haggard. My makeup is good for evening out tone, but I look so pale. Blush always looks artificial on me, so I don’t know. Any ideas? This is killing me – I’ve always looked younger than my age but right now, I feel like a wreck – and I’m quickly approaching my last birthday in my 40s! Help!

    • mascot

      Adding highlights to my hair makes a huge difference in the rest of my look, especially in brightening up my face. It took a little bit to get used to the look after several years of being my natural color, but now I really like it. For a cheaper fix, how about a new lipstick or a trying again with blush? Again, it may take a few days to get used to it, but then it could be what you are looking for. Other ideas for a quick fix are some self pampering (mani-pedi and eyebrow wax), fancy underthings, or nice smelling lotion

      • NOLA

        I do have highlights! My hair had gotten so dark in my 40s – I need the highlights to soften the look. Otherwise it would be worse! I have been experimenting with lipstick, a softer color. I’m so pale that even colors that are supposed to be rosy beige look really red on me. I have always thought I looked ridiculous in pink lipstick but I tried it Saturday night and it didn’t look bad. I need to try blush again. I have some, I just don’t use it.

        • S in Chicago

          Have you tried something slightly coral ? I never would pick something in that family for myself (I usually do berry or taupe), but I had my make-up done on my last birthday (first time I’ve ever done that), and the girl from Bobbi Brown applied something in a light peachy orange. It made my whole face look so much less sallow. Maybe worth trying? Or visit one of the counters and see if they recommend something out of the norm for you lip or blush-wise? Maybe it’s time for something new?

        • hellskitchen

          I recommend the Maybelline bouncy cream blush. Because it’s cream, it goes on really sheer and looks natural. It’s also cheap so you can try a few shades before splurging for a better one.

          • Dr. Lyn

            +1 for the cream blush

            It really works better for our mature skin. The cream allows you to blend better.
            But I agree… do not use too much blush. I still don’t use it much and feel like I am screaming “makeup!!!” when I do.

          • PHX

            Also, try the Sonia Kashuk Tar*get brand of cream blushes… they are less than $10 each and you can return w/i 90 days. I find the days that I forget blush are the days that I look undead. (I’m in your age group as well.)

        • PolyD

          I will move into the second half of my forties on my next birthday and am seriously considering booking a make-up lesson at Sephora or someplace to learn how to use make-up to look less tired. So no real advice, but you are not the only one. As for hair, I have fine hair that is tending drier and find that using the Loreal conditioner that comes in a pot is helpful, as is occasional use of the Moroccan line conditioner.

        • Hel-lo

          +1 for coral.

          Sounds like you need a spa day! Or if you can’t afford one (I can’t), go to a makeup counter at Nordstrom for a makeover. :)

          The MAC counter tried a coral palette on me last year, and it looked awesome. Really revved up my look.

        • Angela

          I’m am 43 next week and on a budget for various reasons. One quick way for a pick me up is a lip gloss, not lipstick. The ‘cool kids’ at work wear lip gloss, try it. And a bright purse, maybe from Marshall’s might give you a lift

    • Diana Barry

      Hey NOLA,

      Is there any way you can take a little bit of time – maybe on a weekend or a non-teaching day? – off? You could have a spa day and just relax, then go to bed early. I also always feel like I look terrible when I am tired. More sleep will help!

      It may be that your cut is looking more severe now because of the color…your skin can change tone as you age and make your color look wrong. Same thing with your makeup…it may be that you need a different formulation. Maybe you could go to Nordies or Sephora and experiment with some sheerer blush formulas?

      Will Warby Parker or one of the other online glasses places do your lenses? My rx is also very strong and had to be made out of different material and cost more, but it was still only $150!

      • NOLA

        I’m taking Friday off so that should help. It’s the first day I’ve had open in the past month. My SO is supposed to come in that day but I may otherwise just veg. I feel like I never get to really sleep long enough. Now that my kitty is feeling better, she isn’t keeping me up all night so I should be able to sleep.

        I normally get my toes done at a salon but I haven’t even had time for that. I do my own fingernails and they look great.

        No, I don’t think the online places can do my lenses. They are progressive because my rx for distance is so strong that it distorts my ability to read. For progressive, the online places don’t go up that high. I was able to get my computer glasses from Zenni, but they’re single vision. Besides, I’d need to get to the eye doctor. Bleah.

        • zora

          I agree with Diana, and also, go a little easy on yourself, sweetie!! You have been dealing with A LOT lately, try to focus on getting some rest and maybe do something for yourself that makes you happy. Something fun you haven’t been able to do in a while? well anyway, sending hugs!!

        • In the Pink

          Yeah NOLA! A bit of time off! Rest and veg.

          What about a spa trip?

          What about using a bit of bronzer to pep up your face? I never used it nor thought it was necessary, living in the sundrenched gulf coast, but it was suggested to me in a makeup consult.

          Can’t say enough about it. I use a light shade by Dior and it’s lasted me well past a year now with daily use.

          Hug yourself, NOLA.

      • NYC

        (Mid-30s here, and totally agree that it is getting harder by the moment to not wake up and think, lord I look tired!)

        I was also going to suggest some of the cheaper glasses options. Lookmatic is the one I’ve used with success.

        I think blush is the single most important thing I put on my face! Although under eye concealer is giving it a run for its money. I would go to a bobbi brown counter and tell them that you want to try out blush but be explicit with your blush history and don’t buy it unless you are happy how you look at that moment. Maybe try a cream blush, which can be more subtle.

        If you like your hair person, maybe schedule a 10 minute styling chat with them? When I’m sick of my hair (shoulder length, straight), spending a few minutes with a big barrel curling iron or hot rollers (both of which are cheap), makes a big difference.

        • NOLA

          My hair person is great – and what you’re describing is exactly how we ended up with my current cut. I clearly need to talk to her.

    • tk1

      What about a new color for your hair? A softer color might make the cut seem less severe and help with the paleness. Also, depending on the size of your current frame and the size of a new frame, you might be able to get the current lenses recut to a new frame, assuming you have some back up glasses.

    • Lynnet

      For the looking pale- I always find a little bit of bronzer works better than blush for giving me more color. It feels weird when it’s cold and rainy outside to be putting on bronzer, but it really does work!

      • Blair Waldorf

        Agree with this. Or a really good self tanner, like St. Tropez. Not too much, but it can add a little life back into your skin!

    • AIMS

      I think it’s normal to sometimes feel this way no matter what your age.
      Putting the glasses aside for now, what about changing your haircut or, better yet, hair color. My mom is a little older than you, but when she went a bit darker with her hair color, she looked about 10 years younger. Going lighter works for others. Or even just highlights could do the trick.
      And as for blush, I really like pink-iss or peachy cream blush. I think it’s easier to blend so it looks much more natural.

    • emeralds

      Can I recommend some new glasses? I plug Warby Parker to death (seriously they should pay me commission) but their frames are inexpensive, and I know people who’ve gotten seriously expensive lenses + frames for around $125. Before you’re all “But you’re only 25!”, my mom is 65, and she ended up trying on all of the frames I did the home try-on with, and got a pair of translucent crystal frames. They look FANTASTIC on her: just so sleek and modern, but also age-appropriate. So that could be a fairly easy place to start, if you wear glasses frequently.

      • NOLA

        Yeah, as I mentioned above, I don’t think Warby Parker will work for me because of my very strong correction for distance. Some of them will go up that high for single vision but not for progressive. My distance correction is so high that it distorts my ability to ready.

        • NOLA

          Just checked and Warby Parker only does single vision and limited correction. Not a possibility for me.

          • Wildkitten

            I’ve heard of folks getting frames from WP and putting lenses in at Costco or your local optometrist.

          • Mpls

            Yeah – but if lenses are the expensive part (which it sounds like they are) cheap frames don’t really help. And it rarely works to pop lenses out of one pair and stick them in another – placement of focal point on the lens, shape of the lens/frame, and all that jazz.

          • S in Chicago

            Lenses aren’t interchangeable. Your better off finding frames you like and having the lenses done by your own doc. My eye doctor is great but serves an older clientele and has limited office selection. I usually purchase frames elsewhere and then have my own doc do the lenses and have never had a problem. You can find some great deals on designer frames online. I’ll often visit a few eyeglass places and try out different frames, and then order the exact same thing online to save a little money. There are different qualities in glass and various coatings that can make some lenses cheaper than others. But in my experience, you’re better off not cheaping out on the lenses. You’ll see better with higher-quality materials and having less glare actually makes your face look better, too. (I can often spot cheap glasses on someone by how shiny the lenses look.)

    • Famouscait

      You’ve gotten some hair and glasses ideas, so I thought I’d offer up some makeup suggestions…

      Book an appointment at a local makeup counter – I suggest Bobbi Brown, if you have one. They can help educate you about how to apply and wear makeup. You’re not obligated to buy, but I’d suggest a new lipstick anyways to help you feel like you’re moving out of your frump. Burgundy/wine colors are huge for fall.

      Alternatively, spend some time perusing Sephora or the makeup aisle at a CVS. Both allow you to return opened, used makeup (with receipt). Buy yourself some new colors/formulas/tools/etc. to help you feel as beautiful as you are. If it doesn’t work out – just return them. But hopefully you end up with some fun new makeup!

        • New Girl

          I’m also extremely pale and a brunette so I understand the frustration trying to find makeup colors that work with our coloring. For blush that is natural, I love Mac’s Blushbaby. Applied with a light hand and a very fluffy brush, I find I no longer look like Casper ;)

          Hugs!!!

    • TO Lawyer

      I second the suggestion for a new lipstick.

      While I am younger than you, I sometimes feel awful about the way I look. I find two things work best for me: one is a new/refreshed hair style. Sometimes something like bangs or layers or something really minor will make a huge difference.

      Second, I think something like a new lipstick is relatively cheap and can really put a spring in your step. I just tried the new urban decay lipsticks this weekend and I am the biggest convert. Longlasting and easy to apply. Sometimes its fun to play around with new colours and combinations.

      Also, a few years ago, my mom went through something similar and started trying new foundations/makeup brands. She went from MAC to Giorgio Armani and her look is a lot more fresh and modern now. You may want to try experimenting with new brands – perhaps something lighter on your skin will help.

    • tazdevil

      NOLA,

      I am also taken to the cleaners by my optician due to my severe astigmastism. I broke my glasses a couple of months ago when unemployed and without vision insurance. After doing some searching on the internet for cheaper options, I ordered a pair of glasses on eyebuydirect, and the lenses and frames came out to less than $70. I am ususally used to speding $400 on glasses from a bricks and motar optician. Keep in mind that all of their frams are generic brands, and that you need a valid prescriptions (I understand that most are good for two years, and that you have the right to demand a copy from your current optician).

    • Silvercurls

      First of all, try to relax about rising through your 40s. There’s only one alternative and it’s not a good one. (I can say this because I I’m much more of a Dinosaur*tte having entered my 50s several years ago.)

      My ideas may make better comic relief than actual plans because I really don’t know about this stuff. On most days I wear no makeup whatsoever. (Yeah, I’m probably keeping the mirror-repairing people and the child psychologists in business.) I also never color my hair. (No judgement; I simply cannot be bothered to marshall the time, money, or energy when–thanks to my sensitive skin–I already have enough trouble regularly shaving my legs)

      So, ideas from a complete non-expert (who better to give advice, ha ha?):
      – Leave your hair the same style but lighten it with some blonde highlights or reddish all-over-something-or-other?
      – Wear scarves to bring more color next to your face? (I’m in the DC region so I know about humidity–I can’t wear scarves from

      • Silvercurls

        gah–hit “post” too soon….plus got a phone call during which lots of other people sent in much better ideas. Ladies, thank you, I may try some of these suggestions myself.
        Anyway, re scarves–I wear them from Oct-April but otherwise it’s too sticky.
        Hope this helps, or at least gives you a laugh. Seriously, try to connect with whatever you find funny. Life can be a grim business otherwise.

        • NOLA

          Thanks so much! Totally get it about not fretting about leaving my 40s. My mom passed away 4 months before her 50th birthday so I take nothing for granted. I just try to take care of myself!

          I do have caramel colored highlights and that helps a lot. I found, in my early 40s, that my hair got so dark. It also looks a lot duller without the highlights. And they cover the few grays that I have in my part. I think I need to talk with my stylist about something softer. When I went to my current style, I was in an edgier phase fashion-wise.

    • Dr. Lyn

      I could have posted your post!

      Get thee to Nordstrom’s and have a make-up lesson with Bobbi Brown or Laura Mercier, or both on separate days. Do not work with a sales person under the age of 40. Work with someone who is wearing make-up you like. Stay away from Sephora, which has only been depressing in my experience for getting advice for mature skin/coloring. Only go there after you have been to Nordstrom’s to get more samples.

      Work on hair, eyes (including brows and glasses) and lip color. In your make-up lesson, focus on finding the right eye/lip colors for you. Don’t let them distract you with lots of skin care/other stuff unless you feel like you really need it.

      I agree that it may be time for another hair change…. a lighter shade often does the trick with more highlights AND lowlights if you can. The downside is the price/maintenance.

      Agree that sometimes a simple brow shaping can really help your face, if you haven’t had one in awhile.

      Start saving your pennies now for new glasses frames. That will give everything a pop. You don’t have to get new lenses. Take the old lenses and put in the new frames. You don’t need to spend a fortune. Start having fun going to glasses stores now to just try on frames, and ask the most stylish person there for help. Get to know what color/shape works best on you. I have a hard time with this, so I sympathize. Check Costoco. I’m serious.

      And the most important thing, you know, is sleep.

      Take care my dear. I’m with you!

    • lucy stone

      Have you tried bronzer? I am v. fair (Irish) and blush always looks wonky on me, but I’ve had good luck with Benefit’s bronzers and bronzer/blush combos.

      • KC

        Ditto this. I’m fair with pinkish cheeks, so adding blush is rarely flattering. I swipe of (non-shimmery) bronzer wakes me up and I tend to get a lot of compliments on how well rested I look when I’m wearing it.

      • NWanalyst

        I’m fair too, and I’d always avoided bronzer like the plague, but BareMinerals’ “Warmth” works wonders for my face. My salesperson told me to apply just a touch in a sort of “W” shape from ear to ear, across the bridge of my nose. It adds an incredible amount of depth to my face and makes me look much healthier than I am… and it’s very subtle once it’s on.

    • Calico

      And for next time you’re sitting in the chair at the salon may I recommend Nora Ephron’s “I Feel Bad About My Neck? ” It’s a hilarious read about her struggle to maintain certain aspects of her looks while she aged. I totally get it and feel frustrated by the amount of time it takes for me to feel my best as I age.

      • Jules

        Great book! I got the audiobook, read by Nora herself, and felt like she was in my car with me. She was so smart and funny, and hearing it in her voice — sadly, just after she died — was wonderful.

    • NYNY

      I’m nearing my fourth birthday in my forties, and I find that the two things that make me look best are sex and sleep.

      Barring those, moisturizing overnight with Boscia Intensifying Moisture Pack seems to help.

      • NOLA

        Yes to both! My SO has been in state for the past 3 weeks and I have seen him once. Not good. He is a wreck with trying to deal with putting his stepfather into a nursing home and then a move to assisted living.

        • NYNY

          Even if you’re seeing him, that can’t be great for his libido. Maybe you can schedule couples massage time for the next time you get to see him? Sounds like you both could use it.

          • NOLA

            Libido is never an issue with us. We can’t keep our hands off of each other if we’re in the same room.

    • Jules

      Nola, I’ve got no help, just commiseration, from the other side of age 50. I never work makeup except the occasional lipstick until a few years ago when I was facing a mirrored wall in a restaurant for an hour and a half and was horrified.

      I’m going to follow some of these suggestions, too, so thanks for bringing all of this up.

      Does anyone have suggestions for a drugstore-brand bronzer? I’m like Nola, fair-skinned and brunette.

      • hr girl

        Rimmel “Natural Bronze” is a nice drugstore bronzer, it comes in 3 shades I believe. It is matte, and with a light hand adds just enough dimension.

    • Ella

      While I think going to sephora and checking out some new makeup colors is always fun, I would suggest that you spend some time feeding your soul (not to be too cheesy.)

      I am totally someone who’s emotions play on their face and when I am feeling totally down, my its apparent in my appearance. I definitely feel less attractive in general and present as much less of an attractive and vibrant person.

      While this is a bit of a harder solution, I would think about things that really refresh you. Call that friend who makes you laugh hysterically, take a long walk somewhere beautiful, read a good book while drinking an excellent glass of wine. Hang in there.

    • Lilly

      I believe my upcoming birthday number may be the same as yours. I know just how you feel, and it seems like there are more days like that lately. I notice that they tend to occur more when I am stressed or unhappy, and if its the same in your case, just remember to get through today, the blahs will soon pass. As to feeling like you look pale, I second all the recommendations for blush and a new lipstick. I don’t think you’ve got a Nordies there in New Orleans. I do believe that the Saks at Canal Place carries the Chantecaille brand. As my skin has aged, I find that I really need a bit of brightening, but I can’t carry off a made up look. Chantecaille has a beautiful palette of colors, and the products tend to be sheer but buildable. The ethos seems to be ‘pretty and flattering’ rather than trendy. If they do have a counter there, go by and let them put a blush on you, perhaps a peachy one instead of a pink one. If you don’t have a large soft fluffy brush to put it on, get one at sephora or target. Their lipsticks aren’t especially long lasting, but the Lip Chic ones are a sheer but color adding and moisturizing lipstick/gloss hybrid that are kind to I-can-see-50-from-here lips. Be sure to try to get enough sleep and drink plenty of water.

      • NOLA

        Saks is an interesting idea. We don’t have Nordies and I never go to Saks because it’s downtown. Will have to check into this. Like you, I can’t wear heavy makeup. I use MAC BB cream. But partly, my skin and eyes are really sensitive.

    • Miz Swizz

      My suggestion is a facial. My skin always looks and feels better after getting one and that might help with your overall attitude toward your appearance.

    • Hollis

      I am your age and I feel like this at times. How about switching to contact lenses? I have horrible eyes (-10.00, yes really) and I love contacts, esp. daily ones you can throw away every night. I also wear liquid eyeliner on my top lids daily, even if I wear no other makeup at all. I need it to look like I’m awake. So, those are my 0.2. But please, please be easy on yourself – I’m sure you look way more fab than you feel!

      • NOLA

        I got contacts for my wedding and hated them. My eyes are worse than yours (can’t remember but it’s -12 or 13).

    • Anonymous

      Aw, NOLA! I’m sending you a hug. We know that you are beautiful, but completely understand about feeling down.
      I went through this recently and recommend a new stylist and the Giorgio Armani counter!

      I felt like my stylist saw me as so much older than her, so she seemed to style me so much older. I stayed with her way too long because I wasn’t sure how to find someone new. I finally took the plunge and made an appointment at a place I’d always wanted to try, and asked the receptionist to recommend a stylist. A new haircolor put life back in my face , brought out the color of my eyes and suddenly my eyebrows were visible. And my new stylist is half the price.

      I love the GA counter – great foundation and a staff that specializes in timeless beauty – like you!

      • NOLA

        That’s interesting about changing stylists. I would not do that. Mine is awesome and has done wonders with my thin and fine hair over the years. She is a little older than I am and we have known each other for more than 20 years.

    • Cordelia Chase

      I am relatively new here, but I just wanted to say that, after the way you began your post about your age, it shocked me to see you’re in your late 40s. I know you feel how you feel, but: you are so young! So very not old! Virtual hugs.

    • hr girl

      I’m not sure if you wear foundation but if you do – try something with a more luminous “dewy” finish, like a BB cream. As for blush – a colour with more “warmth”, even a light bronzer. I think the brush you use to apply it makes a big difference also. I’ve recently switched over to a fan brush and it gives a more natural application that the round poofy ones.

      I have fine hair also, and am in the process of growing it out, but the key for me is not letting stylists put a lot of layers into it, as it looks healthier and more lush with a relatively blunt hem.

    • Amberwitch

      What helps me the best – apart from sleep and sex as you say – is exercise of some kind.
      I always find myself the most attractive when I’ve been physically active. It doesn’t have to be strenuous exercise, a brisk walk, or a bike ride, is fine. It produces endorphins, refreshes your complexion and let you enjoy nature. Depending on your geographical location of course.

      • NOLA

        Thanks -I work out about 10 hours a week. Weights and cardio. Weights help get the rage out.

        • amberwitch

          Sorry, stupid advise. Haven’t been here long enough to know these things.
          But +1 on the rage

  11. Anon

    Poll: Are formal separates appropriate for sitting at counsel’s table during an oral argument in a U.S. Court of Appeals or must one wear a real suit?

    I vote real suit, always in court, but I’m curious what others think.

    • Lyssa

      I’m not sure I’d go so far as “inappropriate”, but I’d definitely say less than fully appropriate, if that makes sense. I’d definitely go with a suit.

    • Matilda

      What does “formal separates” mean? (And why don’t I know the answer to that???)

      • Anon

        Suit-y pieces that coordinate but don’t match in color or fabric, like black pants and a red jacket or a brown skirt with a tweed jacket.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          This kind of depends, for me – I’ve seen some female attorneys in federal court in these types of “separates” where the two pieces were sold as – and intended to be worn as – a suit, and they’ve looked appropriate, but I’ve also seen some who are just wearing two separate pieces that happen to be in roughly the same color family, and the two-unrelated-separates look has always looked kind of lazy to me (in court, I mean, not in everyday life).

    • Jules

      I’d say suit, too. Other than the Supremes, a federal court of appeals is about as formal a situation as you’ll get. And it’s for what, 30 minutes? The thread last week was in favor of separates for a jury trial but only after you’re well into it, not first few days.

    • SpaceMountain

      Check the court’s local practice guidelines. The 7th Circuit’s guidelines explicitly say dark suits recommended, so I wouldn’t try to mess around with the dress code. Pretty much everyone wears a navy or charcoal suit.

    • Hel-lo

      I think if you have a tough figure to find a full suit for – like if you are 8 months pregnant, or I know larger ladies have a tough time finding nice suiting, then it’s ok to wear very nice separates.

      Other than that, full suit.

    • Ashley

      I read somewhere if you have to ask, you already know the answer. I would err on the side of caution and go with a formal suit. I would rather not have to worry about whether or not I am dressed appropriately.

  12. Anon Today

    Family/Relationship Threadjack:

    I need help dealing with my Mom and Sister. Mom is retired, sister is a SAHM with a gaggle of children. I work many hours in a very demanding career, which I happen to love, and also have a kid of my own. My Mom and Sister demand SO much of my time that its actually making me want to move far far away. They both have oodles of time for lunches, workouts, “free-time” and socializing that they love to plan little family get togethers for weeknights, weekends, (especially Sunday nights – that’s their go-to favorite), etc. Every minor life detail must be celebrated with the entire family. My husband and I work our BUTTS off and come Friday night, we are tired. We want to relax. We are rarely home as it is, and prefer to spend weekends enjoying our own family in the comforts of our own home, etc.

    I’m on-board with some get togethers of course, but it’s getting out of hand. We’re now receiving save-the-date emails for possible functions 8 to 9 months out. (In the form of – ‘save half this month on your calendars for XYZ, we’ll know the date/times later!”) When we politely decline an invitation I am bombarded with calls, texts and facebook messages from said mom and sister harrasing me for not spending enough time with them, I must not love them enough, I will miss them when they’ve died and I will regret my decisions later… the drama is out of the world.

    HELP. I’ve tried telling them how I feel – which results in massive dramatic outbursts, etc. This year I went against the grain and did throw myself a birthday party – but rather my husband and my kid and I celebrated the way we wanted to. In return – my birthday was flatly ignored by my family – no calls, no texts, nothing. And then I was told how awful of a daughter I am that I “won’t let my parents acknowledge my birthday.” WTF? I just didn’t throw myself a party – I did not tell anyone how to react to it.

    sorry… this has gotten out of hand with ranting. I’m just at my wits end. I’ve tried telling them what they want to hear and doing what I want to do anyway… neither approach seems to work with them.

    Any advice? Sorry for the length, I’m just so exhausted of dealing with the guilt trips, passive aggressive digs, and manipulations.

    • Anon Today

      correction to a typo above – I went against the grain this year and did NOT throw myself a birthday party. (Sorry that didn’t make sense before.) In my family – all adult birthdays must be celebrated with a presents, dinner, cake, ice cream and at least 8 solid hours of family togetherness. Add in kid birthdays and we’re not at 15+ day-long birthday celebrations per year. And that’s just birthdays.

    • Anon

      You can’t change other people, so I think you have to just say no when you want to say no (and yes when you want to say yes, of course), and mentally insulate yourself from the blowback. Remind yourself that you are entitled to choose how you spend your free time. If they keep bringing it up, say you don’t want to discuss it anymore and change the subject. If they persist, say you will talk to them later and end the conversation. Block them on facebook, screen their calls and texts if necessary. No matter what the issue, that is the only way to set boundaries with people who have no respect for boundaries.

      Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds really awful.

    • roses

      I think you need to have a talk with your mom and sister to frame their expectations about your time – e.g., expect that you will be available X times per month or year, or only on holiday weekends, etc. Within that, let them know how to plan to best fit your schedule. Are you in an unpredictable field where it’s best if you make last minute-plans the day before, or is it better to schedule far in advance?
      I’m not sure I understand what happened with your birthday, but I think communicating when and in what manner you are best able to spend time with them will go a long way towards resolving these issues. If they still can’t deal after that, just practice shrugging off their complaints.

      • Walnut

        Setting expectations is key. Is it possible to commit to one day per week for extended family time? If your Mom and sister love Sunday evening get togethers, can you commit to Sunday evening every week and in turn you get your weeknights/Fridays/Saturdays to just your own family? When family birthday comes up, be quick to suggest that you’d love to bring a cake to celebrate after Sunday night dinner. Surely your sister has tons of sports/playdates/music lessons/school things she’s also trying to coordinate around? Emphasize how the consistency of one night per week will make everyones life easier and ensure that everyone always knows when the family is getting together.

    • Monday

      I may be overly cynical, but to me this is screaming issues of having a formal, out-of-home job (you) vs. not (sister and mom) and all the extreme sensitivity and defensiveness that often go with that distinction. This doesn’t lead me to any obvious advice, but I think in your place I’d so some reading and reflecting on family relationships across the employment divide and think about how to be sensitive yet stick up for your own needs in that context specifically. Job vs. no job is so, so often about both parties feeling devalued and disrespected based on their differing responsibilities, contributions and abilities.

    • BB

      I agree with most of the posters that setting boundaries/expectations is key here. In addition to the job/no job divide, I also think there might be some birth/marriage family divide here. I am a firm believer that once you’re married, your “marriage” family (husband, you, your kids) take priority over your birth or extended family. I know this might seem kind of harsh, and it’s not like I am mean to my extended family, but if push comes to shove, they understand that I am going to pick my husband.

    • TBK

      +1 to all the other comments. I suspect all of this “you must spend 100 hours with us or else you don’t love us” business is not something that developed last year. I suspect there was some of this from your mom all your life, and that your sister picked up the behavior from her. Unfortunately, I think that means you’ll have to go through an unpleasant de-programming period. If you’ve been standing up for yourself and your husband and kid sometimes, but caving on other times, the lesson they’ve learned is that if they persist and pester enough, you’ll cave (same principle as either training your puppy or Gavin de Becker’s principle of not responding to stalkers at. all.). I think you and your husband should, together, decide what your rules will be for hanging out with your family. Maybe it’s once a week, maybe it’s major occasions, maybe it’s twice per month for no more than four hours each time. You communicate that to your mom and sister, and then you stick to it. They’ll whine and cry and send emails and texts and call, but you stick to your guns and say “I’m sorry we can’t make Tibby the cat’s fifth birthday party this Saturday, but as I explained, we’ll be there the week after for our twice monthly dinner.” It won’t be fun for awhile, but they’ll give up eventually. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      I agree with the prior commenters who say that you should set clear boundaries, but I’ll warn you that you should think hard about how you’ll handle the consequences. Your family has already shown that they follow an all or nothing approach, and it sounds like you were hurt that no one acknowledged your birthday. Will your taking a stand affect how your mom interacts with your kid? How your kid gets to experience his/her cousins? If you do manage to find a middle ground on the amount of time you spend together, will you be upset if your mom and sister talk about all the things they’re doing without your immediate family?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Give them the amount of time you *actually want* to give them, and not a second more. Guilt trip phone call? “Sorry mom, I have to go, kid is crying/boss is calling/whatever.” Guilt trip email or text? Delete immediately. Attempts at guilt tripping when you’re with them over the times that you’re not? “Sis, let’s focus on the present.” (Or, alternatively, yes it off the stage – “yup, I’m a terrible sister. Oh yes, I’m far less dedicated to the family than you guys are.” Whichever response strikes your fancy, that doesn’t involve apologizing.) If the guilt trips stop working, they’ll eventually stop. (I’ve been retraining my dad this way – not the same issue, but similarly absurd – and it’s been working well.)

    • Anon for this

      I just want to let you know that I know how you feel! My parents celebrate every little event with dinner out, or day-long events. If I don’t go along with their celebrations, my mother gets angry with me, gives me a guilt trip, or freezes me out. It’s exhausting. My social life is dominated with family events, and I often say no to spending time with friends because I’m tired from socializing with the fam. I’ve gotten into the habit of excusing my husband from these events when he wants out, but I need to get better at saying no for myself. It’s one of those things that’s much easier said than done.

      One of my tactics is to be obtuse when my mother gets angry because I’ve turned her down. It’s irrational for her to respond that way, so I just ignore her anger and pretend that everything’s fine. “Sorry mom, that’s just not going to work for me this weekend. I have to go into work on Saturday so spending Sunday with you and Dad just won’t work out. Thanks for the invite though!” She usually doesn’t stay upset with me for long because she can’t actually explain why she’s mad — if she puts it into words, she’ll sound ridiculous.

      • Anonymous

        The term ‘freezing out’ is one I have not heard before but is perfect for capturing that behavior.

    • Hel-lo

      Agree with setting expectations.

      I like the idea of Sunday dinners (or one other day a week). Or say that your immediate family can only do one birthday celebration per month, and if they try to schedule two, tell them you can only make it to one. And stick to it!

      Maybe they’d also like to spend some time with your child – could you drop him/her off with them for a few hours one other day?

      They don’t get to be in control of your schedule. Right now, you’re letting them.

  13. Anonymous Vent

    TJ . I live in a random suburban town (by random I mean I did not grow up there and have no connection other than it being a reasonable commute for both my husband and me). I am also pregnant. I went to the OB’s office last week, and the wife of my ex-boyfriend of 5 years (who I grew up with, started dating in high school, and dated immediately preceding my now husband) was at the same OB for the same test. I have never met her, but recognized the weird spelling of his last name and her first name. I did not say hello, and as far as I know, she has no idea who I am. So after my appointment at work, I looked up their baby registry (please tell me other people do this kind of thing – I recognize it is a little bit crazy) to confirm it was actually her and found out that she is due about 1 week away from me, and that they live in the same town as I do!!?!? I then learned that they live in the same neighborhood just a few miles down the road (they apparently moved there a few months ago)! I also knew from mutual friends on FB that they were married exactly 1 week after me and my husband.

    I haven’t seen or been in contact with the ex-BF for about 8 years. We left on fairly amicable, but fairly tumultuous terms. (I had already started living with now husband while still talking/communicating with ex-BF.) Now all of these years later, we are living in the same town, with children who will be the exact same age. It would have been out of sight, out of mind, but that is not the case anymore, and I just cannot believe it.

    I resigned myself to the fact that I would run into them at some point, somewhere, but it probably wouldn’t happen for some time. I then went to pick my husband up from the commuter train last Wednesday and it turns out the ex and his wife were in the same car as him and existing the parking lot 1 car ahead of me. I knew it was them, but I don’t think they saw me. That is weird right? My husband knows about the whole thing now because I told him, and he thinks it is just as weird as I do.

    Any tips on how to handle the situation gracefully when we have some weird run-in, which is sure to happen at some point given the circumstances…

    • Cb

      Ugh, so weird! I think the key is to just be breezy and cheerful and let the awkwardness pass. Perhaps make the first move so you aren’t dreading it.

    • Anon

      First – put down The Google. Seriously. Stop it.

      Second – when you run into him, just say hello and continue on with your business. Or don’t say hello. Up to you. I’m not sure why this is even an issue.

      • Anonymous Vent

        Haha – “put down the Google” – you are so right, thank you. The internet is just so easy! I wouldn’t have started looking if she wasn’t sitting across from me at the OB’s office (in said suburban town), but once she was, I had to confirm.

    • Anne Shirley

      “hey how are you? So nice to see you again! What brings you to small town? Oh we moved here for the schools too. Gotta run, will see you around”. With a smile. Done.

    • NYC

      Oh man. Same situation here, but in Brooklyn. Thankfully friends told me we were both due around the same time, so I wasn’t surprised when we started going to the same prenatal yoga class. I was terrified we would be in the same childbirth class, but thankfully there are enough options here that we weren’t. The other woman is somewhat awkward when we run into each other (we had a similar break up and I don’t think she knows much other than that I was the one to initiate the break-up). My ex is also a little awkward about it.

      Oh, you want advice, not just commiseration? I think the first few times it will be awkward, but then it will get to be kind of normal. You don’t talk about that much of substance at the playground and kids are so demanding of your time and attention that it will be easy to deflect the conversation and gracefully exit. But I would put on blush before you leave the house because you are sure to run into him the times you don’t. We are in Brooklyn so the chance that they actually end up at the same school is fairly small. The fact that you have the same OB is definitely weird! But the chance that you are actually in labor at the same time is also pretty small. I guess at some point you will need to introduce yourself, unless the XBF is there. So yeah, it will super awkward at first, but then you guys will get used to running into each other and it will be ok.

      • Anonymous Vent

        Oh goodness – I hadn’t even entertained the idea of being in the same childbirth class with them. There is only company that handles them for my OB, but there were several dates to choose from. Fingers crossed that they are not in mine, but I will find out this weekend! Thanks for the advice.

        I feel comforted knowing that I have all of this information and they are unsuspecting. Therefore, I can be prepared, cheerful and breezy at a run-in, while they will likely be feeling some sort of shock when they realize all of the similarities. I just hope I am sporting a full blow-out, makeup and good outfit at the time.

        • Anne Shirley

          This sounds crazy. Absolutely round the bend. They are people. Be pleasant. Stop dwelling. It isn’t a competition.

        • Anonymous

          duuuude. You seriously sound like you are going nutso. STOP googling them. Stop harboring these weird fanstasies where they will be so shocked about the similarities. newflash- people have children. often, people have children after getting married. just say hi to them. and maybe see a therapist.

          • Anonymous Vent

            Agreed. Who needs therapy though when there are anonymous blog posts and a bevy of intelligent women to put me in check? :) Thank you!

      • Ciao, pues

        If and when you do introduce yourself, you should say you are an “old friend” of exBF, rather than calling yourself an “ex” or saying you used to date. she will likely know who you are by name, or will clarify with the exBF, so no need to specify more clearly! i always think it’s so awkward when adults who used to date long ago still identify themselves in in the old relationship role.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t have to be weird unless you make it weird. You’re basically just old acquaintances, right? Say hi and move on. I assume you’re all way over it by now.

      • January

        +1. It’s a series of strange coincidences, to be sure, but it’s really not all that weird. You sound like you think your ex is stalking your life and trying to copy it or something, which is 99% probably not the case.

      • Wannabe Runner

        The world is small. Sometimes we run into people we have met before, or even been involved with.

        I once was picking a jury for a trial, and on the panel was a guy who I had a one-night stand with. I told opposing counsel I had a “short romantic relationship” with him and asked if they would stipulate to excuse him. They did, but then we had to tell the judge. I told the judge the same thing, and the judge called the guy up to sidebar with us. “Mr. Jones, I understand you know Ms. Counsel. The parties have agreed to excuse you. Is that ok with you?” He glanced at me, smiled a little, and said yes.

        I took a few deep breaths and got back to work. Won the trial.

        I bet he went home, and told his friends he figured out a good way to get out of jury duty.

        • Silvercurls

          (Commenting very late–haven’t been online for several hours) I like the part about your winning the trial.

    • sa

      Totally weird but doable. I have a very similar situation but I love close to where ex and I grew up. Married same month my 2 kids are exact same ages as two of his, go to the same school and church. Similarly, there were some blurred lines about us breaking up and DH and I getting together so DH hates him and his wife freezes me out but he and I talk when we see each other somewhere alone and we are FB friends.

  14. NYC

    This is the first time that I have ever been truly tempted to buy a splurge monday item! I’m not sure if it is because it is slightly lower price point…or I’ve been biglaw for 5 years so my budget is higher…or if it is because everything about this dress is perfect for me. I might go try it on tomorrow. Gorgeous pick.

    • anon-oh-no

      please go buy it. this dress is seriously lovely and if it didnt have those darn cap sleeves, it would already be on its way to me.

  15. Paging Seche Vite Fans

    For those of you who use the Seche Vite top coat: My bottle is a little less than half full and is starting to get thick, and difficult to paint on my nails, and stringy. Is there anything I can do to thin it out just a tiny bit to keep it useable?

      • Diana Barry

        +1. I have Seche Restore and it does work on Seche Vite – don’t worry if you have to use a lot, it’s still less than buying a new Seche Vite.

      • Equity's Darling

        Yes, get the Seche Vite Restore- I bought one bottle a while ago, and I sometimes have to add a whole dropper, but still much cheaper than a new bottle.

        I don’t find that other restorers work on Seche Vite top coat, though I’ve only tried it with one (Zoya restore), so, you might luck out with another restorer, I don’t know, but my experiment ended with me getting a new bottle of Seche Vite and their restorer because it made my Seche Vite stickier and cloudy.

  16. s-p-c

    Gorgeous dress, but anyone else wonder if you could wear a normal bra with the placement of the sleeves?

  17. Anita

    Post-partum TJ: I stopped nursing 2 months ago. Do ya’ll think it’s too soon to get measured for new bras? My pregnancy bras are too big and the pre-pregnancy bras are too small (grr). I refuse to wear the nursing bras anymore– they are so unsexy. But I don’t want to have a fitting, but new bras and then change size again in a month. Can the moms out there weigh in?

    • NYC

      I am all over the thread today! I think I got fitted 6 weeks after, and things had stabilized by then. 2 months should be fine. I went up a cup size from my pre-baby size, which is what happened to my mom, too.

    • mascot

      FWIW, my ribcage expanded during pregnancy and it still hasn’t gotten all the way back to the band-size I was pre-baby, even though I lost the weight and then a bit. I am still a band size up. My child is three. So, get some cheaper pieces until you determine what is happening.

    • meme

      Speaking from recent experience, 2 months is too soon. I was in the exact same boat and went to Nordstrom for a fitting and bought new bras about 2 months post nursing. Then 3 months later, I really needed to go again. To be safe, I’d give it six months before really investing – maybe get something cheap in the interim.

    • Anonymous

      At 2 months post-nursing, you should be fine. My rib cage and cup size are permanently larger than they were pre-pregnancy.

    • Diana Barry

      Did you stop gradually or suddenly? I moved seamlessly into non-nursing bras when I stopped, but I nurse for a long time (almost 2 yrs) so my b**bs had already shrunk.

    • Anita

      Thanks, everyone, for the advice. I tapered off, but relatively quickly. I may do a fitting now, but not invest in anything too expensive yet.

  18. Monday

    There has been a mass shooting at the Navy Yard in DC, possibly still ongoing. I hope all of you and loved ones are safe.

    Awful to be posting this, but it’s how I first heard about the Boston Marathon incident and I am still grateful to whomever did it that day because I had a lot of calls to make.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Thank you for posting. Just as I read this I got an alert from TuneIn Radio on my iphone. I hadn’t yet heard. I don’t know anyone there but am just SO SICK of all of the violence. I’m sure everyone is but I just had to say it.

    • PinkKeyboard

      It’s ongoing.. the 2nd shooter hasn’t been apprehended yet. We’re still waiting to hear names (work for the Navy elsewhere).

  19. Anon

    There is a going away lunch for a co-worker I don’t particularly like (mostly because she seems not to like me for some reason I don’t understand). When my office does lunch together it is almost always awkward and terrible. Really don’t want to go (especially because I ususally don’t take lunch and now will have to stay late to make up the time/work I’ll be missing) but I’m not seeing a way out. Grrr. Not how I wanted to start my week.

      • Anon

        True. Part of my grouchiness is that I’m pregnant, but haven’t shared the news yet, and sitting in a room full of people’s lunches will make me want to hurl. But I can’t really say I feel too sick to go, when I’m sitting here at my desk eating my lunch. Fortuntately, it’s a byo lunch, so at least I don’t have to explain why I don’t want some nasty deli platter sandwich.

    • MJ

      This is a perfect time for an 1130am doctor’s appointment. Disappear and send your regrets.

      • Ashley

        I consulted for a firm that the manager would do something like this. He always had a meeting he had to rush off to instead of joining anything remotely social. Dude was a Jedi.

  20. Melissa

    Maybe I’m in the minority group here and perhaps this isn’t the right site for me to be on but although the dress pictured is lovely, just like the suit that was pictured the other day am I the only one that is not liking the prices?
    I’m a working mother of 3. I really have to watch what I spend and spending over $400 on a dress isn’t realistic, at least for me. Anyone else feel that way? What I would love to see is some fashion listed that’s for working moms on a budget. I tend to wear suit or suit separates to work so I am always on the lookout for different ways to wear a suit but I also need to stick to a tight budget when I’m shopping for suits or suit pieces. I’m always open to finding a good deal if anyone knows of one but in my opinion most of the outfits or pieces that are pictured definitely aren’t deals.

    • Mpls

      Mondays are Splurge items – I don’t think anyone is seriously thinking that most readers will be buying Monday’s items. Items get less expensive throughout the week.

    • roses

      Kat does a pretty good job of posting pieces at a variety of price points. Mondays are for “splurge” items, so she clearly is acknowledging that a piece like this is out of many readers’ budgets. If you wear suits most of the time, look through the posts tagged “suit of the week” – there are many lower-cost ones. Corporette isn’t a sale blog though – you should search for the many blogs that are devoted to professional clothes on a tight budget if that’s primarily what you’re interested in.

    • Susie

      The high end items give you an idea of where fashion is right now, and pretty soon you will see knock-offs at more affordable prices. Think of it as inspiration. (Miranda Priestly explains this pretty well in Devil Wears Prada…)

    • TBK

      I feel like this comes up about every other Monday. Mondays are for dreaming. Fridays are for deals. The rest of the week is somewhere in between.

    • V

      Also: there is a Land’s End fan base here for their stuff that is work-appropriate and washable (not to mention frequently on sale). Very budget- and lifestyle friendly. The post tees off the conversation and there may good nuggets in the comments for you.

      Plus: a girl can dream, can’t she?

      Signed,
      Minivan driver

    • Kelly

      Why would working “moms” need different clothing than working women generally?

      • Baconpancakes

        Not a mom myself, so tell if I’m wrong, but the impression I’ve gotten is that younger kids like to barf and spill all over clothes, and older kids are demanding of your time and money in a way that leaves less time and money for your own clothes, so working moms tend to prefer clothes that are cheaper, more washable, and don’t require ironing, dry cleaning, or steaming.

        There are lots of women who already prefer those kinds of clothes, but a lot of working mothers feel like they have less of a choice as to how much money and effort they can afford to put into their clothes.

    • Anonymous

      omg. Yes, this is expensive on Mondays. Yes, its too expensive for some people. Yes, its the right price for some people. make your own blog if you only want a certain price point.

    • Anne Shirley

      It’s splurge Monday. Pretty sure working moms can manage their budgets just like the rest of us working women in any case.

    • East Coast Anon

      Many people don’t come here for the fashion. Scroll right past it.

  21. Gail the Goldfish

    Does anyone have suggestions for a foundation for extremely acne-prone skin? I’m using something from Clinique right now but feel like it’s not enough coverage and turns my skin into an oil slick.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I use a combination of a mineral-based liquid and a mineral powder (I actually use the mineral liquid from Physicians Formula, and the mineral powder from Maybelline – both drug store brands, and about $14 and $10, respectively). Basically, I use the liquid first, then finish with the powder. That way I get the coverage level of a liquid, but the “dry-looking” finish of a powder. I find the mineral makeup doesn’t make my skin worse, the way other liquid foundations that I’ve used have.

      If you’re looking to go higher-end, Bare Minerals makes a liquid (I think) and a powder (definitely), and a few of my friends swear by it. I may upgrade at some point, but I’m happy with the drug store stuff right now.

    • R

      I also have acne-prone skin, and I also refuse to buy non-drugstore makeup. Makeup melts off my face by the end of the workday, so I hate spending a lot of money on it. The key for me is using foundation very sparingly. I use Neutrogena tinted moisturizer to get a decent base and then Revlon New Complexion Compact.

      I used mineral powders for a while, but found that they actually made my face greasier somehow.

    • Anon

      First of all, I suggest you check out www DOT beautypedia DOT com. She has a lot of unbiased reviews for many different makeup brands, and you can search according to your skin type, etc.

      I use Revlon Colorstay Whipped Creme Makeup (comes in a jar). It has good coverage and a good finish, and it’s the only drugstore makeup I’ve found that doesn’t leave me an oil slick by the afternoon. I can put it on in the morning, and at 5:00, I’m only very very faintly shiny. I will say that the heavy glass jar packaging is cumbersome and slightly annoying for travel.

      A similar product is Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Full Coverage Foundation. It has many of the same qualities as the Revlon, but in much, much better packaging. However, it’s almost three times the price, so I deal with the Revlon.

  22. hellskitchen

    Is mixing pearls a fashion faux pas? I usually wear small white pearl earrings daily but on days that I want to wear a white pearl necklace I find the look to be too matchy-matchy. Is it okay to wear gray or black pearl earrings with a white pearl necklace? I thought it would look out of place but I was just watching the President’s live remarks and the woman official right behind him was wearing white pearl necklace with dark gray pearl studs and looked lovely. (By the way, she is my new professional style inspiration… she looked so polished!)

    • Blair Waldorf

      This sounds lovely to me, and not a fashion faux pas at all. I actually have a necklace with both black and white pearls. I think mixing up jewelry is very fashion forward!

    • Mpls

      I think it would look nice! The only colors I wouldn’t mix and match are white and cream – unless you are doing it in a way that looks intentional.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d say not only is it not a faux pas, but it would look more current than matching your pearl necklace to your pearl earrings!

    • hellskitchen

      Thank you all :-) I have no idea where I got that “rule” of not mixing pearls from but it was stuck in my mind. I have a couple of pearl strands and earrings in different colors – good to know I can wear them together!

    • Carrie Preston

      Hope not. I mix strands all the time for a statement necklace look & it hits me as a lot less stuffy/prim. One of my go-to looks. I don’t tend to do pearl earrings w/ necklaces though – something about that is a little too matchy.

      • Hel-lo

        I would gleefully mix strands of different kinds of pearls for a necklace. But I’m not sure I would wear pearl earrings with a pearl necklace, either the same or different kinds.

        If I’m wearing pearls around my neck, it’s diamond/CZ studs, small silver hoops, or something else delicate/professional/classy on my ears.

    • BB

      Just went in July (Buenos Aires) and LOVED IT. Great place to hang out if you’re not into seeing sights all day. Get up, have breakfast, walk around some area (some great clothes shopping there too, btw), lunch, walk a bit more…some sort of sightseeing, cafe until 4ish, nap, steak dinner at 9. Not sure if that’s your idea of romantic, but I found it pretty nice! :)

      I’ve heard there are some very pretty areas further south of the city. If you go and the economic situation hasn’t improved, my one rec is to bring cash ($100 bills) so you get a favorable exchange rate (google: Argentina Blue Rate). Also, if you’re into food, pickupthefork is a great blog for BA food.

        • BB

          Palermo is a good area to “hang out” – lots of cafes and restaurants and cute parks/streets. We loved our boutique place there: Hotel Magnolia. Great service. I think it’s in “Palermo Viejo.” If we went back, we would probably stay closer to what I think is “Palermo Chico,” which is a bit more upscale.

  24. fluttershy

    Ladies,

    I have an interview on Thursday for a promotional opportunity. Basically, I am applying for the job I am currently in, but at a higher pay grade. Other people are also applying for there own jobs at the higher pay. Some of the other applicants have more experience. I work for the government as a project lead to give some background. Any tips preparing for this interview?

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