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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 243 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Paige Denim Indio Zip Detail Skinny JeansSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. I suppose I truly am a child of the 80s… because all of the distressed denim making a comeback right now is totally calling my name. I love the look of these destructed skinny jeans from Paige Denim, on sale at Nordstrom. They were $229, but are now marked to $153. Paige Denim Indio Zip Detail Skinny Jeans Here are two similar plus-size pairs, and a few less expensive pairs in regular sizes.

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I like distressed jeans and I like jeans with zipper details, but together, I think its way too much.

    • L2fly

      Plus, exactly how low of body fat does one have to have, for soft thigh flesh not to seek to escape through holes on the thighs on skinny jeans when you sit down?? Muffin holes, anyone?

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and these jean’s, Kat. It remind’s me of when I was in high school, I had a pair with alot of zipper’s on them and the guy’s would alway’s come up to me and unzip those zipper’s. While I did NOT care about some zipper’s, when they started to unzip the REAL zipper (and we all know where that one was), I told them to STOP!!!! Fortnuateley, they did or else I could have been VERY embarased! One guy, Hal, did get that zipper down, but he was NOT abel to get his hand inside, tho he sure tried to. FOOEY on HAL! I think I heard he got a job in the fire department. I think personaly he was a littel wierd, but now he can be busy all day playing with other hose’s! YAY!!!!

      The manageing partner brought in more Crumb’s muffin’s and I have already put on 2 pound’s! FOOEY! I am sure it was from that b/c I am walkeing every day, but haveing 2 muffin’s today did NOT help. I think the manageing partner prefer’s me with a bigger tuchus, even tho I do NOT and dad does not. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c I LOVE CRUMB’s! It is very dificult to maintain a small tuchus when your boss give’s you CRUMBS muffin’s every morning! I hope Noah does NOT notice my tuchus tomorrow when he come’s over. Myrna will be there so mabye she will distract him enough, and I will NOT wear skinny jean’s until my tuchus get’s back in shape.

      I have to tell dad about the 2 pound’s b/c he put’s it into the fitbit program. He will NOT be happy and I am sure to hear all about it when he stop’s by on Sunday. He is bringeing me a new coat that he bought to keep me warm. He said he did NOT want me to get sick walking, but did NOT want me to be to cozy. I hope it is nice. I will tell the hive next week all about it. He is still mad I gave my old coat to NY Care’s. FOOEY b/c some woman is probabley VERY happy now weareing it. I hope the entire HIVE has a great weekend! YAY!!!!!

  2. Gail the Goldfish

    I am convinced that distressed jeans (with holes, as opposed to just fading, though those could probably be part of my theory too) were dreamed up as a bet between some marketing people–“what do you think is the most we can get people to pay for clothes that are already damaged?” Because really, $150 for jeans that are pre-ripped? Get off my lawn, kids.

    • Anonymous

      They’re not “damaged” if that’s the look you’re going for. And, they’ve been around forever. I had a pair of distressed jean shorts with black spandex underneath in the late 1980s.

    • Sydney Bristow

      It’s way more fun to do it to your roommate’s jeans with a cheese grater and lighter while she is wearing them. Ah, college.

    • Sue

      Clearly someone won that bet because they would not be around if people were not buying them. I just wonder if anyone has considered “distressing” their own jeans e.g. introducing tiny rips here and there or the paint splatter look provided it’s not over done. I worked in a lab once and some of my jeans would end up looking like this just from regular use.

      • LilyStudent

        When I did theatre tech in high school I had my ‘painty jeans’ that I wore on purpose on days I was set painting, and after a while they did have loads of different coloured splatters. Unfortunately, my mum then refused to let them in her washing machine so I had to let them go!

      • Meg Murry

        When I worked in a lab we used to joke about all the jeans that were sold with paint spatters and holes that we should re-sell our work jeans as “authentically distressed” for twice the price we paid for them.

        My favorite ripped jeans story is that back in the 80s my cousin paid big bucks for a pair of pre-ripped, distressed jeans from a designer brand. He was living with our Grandma, and after he put them in the laundry pile she darned up all the holes and rips! He was so mad, and she just did not understand why in the world he wanted to go out in public “looking like we can’t bother to take the time to fix your clothes”. Its one of my favorite Grandma stories

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Oh I’m sure someone won. Selling ripped jeans, like the expense of diamonds and paying $5 for coffee, is high on my list of impressive retail achievements. (I recall formulating this theory back in the early 90s, when abercrombie was selling ripped jeans for $80, and middle-school me found this just mindboggling because I wanted to know whose parents were buying these for them– mine just would have laughed if I asked them to spend that much on pants with holes in them.)

  3. wolverine

    I expected a lot more snark on the Tuesday thread about Amal Clooney’s name change from commenters saying they had lost respect for her, she was giving into the patriarchal system yada yada yada.

  4. Anonymous

    I love these- I’d order them, but I know the hip zippers always make me look wider than I am. I’m also worried that it will just end up looking like my thigh fat is trying to escape through the holes

  5. Fun lunch utensils

    Does anyone have suggestions for a fun/colorful set of utensils? Metal strongly preferred (plastic etc handle okay). NOT baby/toddler sized. Salad fork/teaspoon size would be perfect.

    So far, I’ve only found the Spencer set at PBK. They are a good option, but I feel like there must be additional options that I’m missing.

  6. HSAL

    Thanks to those of you who recommended the All Souls trilogy. I’m mid-book 2 and loving them.

  7. Senior Attorney

    I just realized that my business card case is engraved with the name I ditched when my divorce was final 5 months ago. (No, I’m not super observant…)

    Anybody have any suggestions for a new one? I’d like something either reasonably roomy or soft-sided or both. The old one is very slim and although it looks great it doesn’t hold enough cards. Bonus if there are separate compartments for my business cards and my personal cards.

  8. Can you be happy without kids?

    Been reading the articles on this egg freezing perks at tech firms. Despite all the debate I think it’s a good option to have. But it also led to considering the question of whether it’s possible to actually live a happy and fulfilled life without kids. Because whichever way you look at it there are people who will end up not being parents, it could be by choice or something happened to deny them the opportunity.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m not sure what you are asking. Of course it is possible if you choose not to have children. Children aren’t a requirement to make life fulfilling or to be happy.

      I haven’t gone through the experience of wanting children and not being able to have any so I’ll leave that part to someone else.

    • Parfait

      One might also ask whether it’s possible to be truly happy WITH kids.

      Then one might suggest that we all take a step back and realize that many different life paths can make different people happy.

      • Anom

        I wonder if the conversation would be different if there wasn’t a (possibly merited) taboo on regretting having kids.

        • Monday

          Or at least, a taboo on ADMITTING regrets about having kids. And yes, I think probably so. I have seen some anonymous posts/writings by parents who are unhappy with the choice, and it’s upsetting but also eye-opening. I think we should remember that we really only hear one side of this issue.

        • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

          If you’d like to see how taboo admitting regrets is, see below. Ill admit that I got carried away in defending myself but good lord! Apparently admitting that not everyone is happily childless means you aren’t a feminist, sexist, weak with the need to succumb to your biological clock, asinine, stereotypical, patriarchal, etc…

          It’s easy to rally around women who have choosen to be childless but I don’t see anyone supporting those who aren’t childless by choice. Like Monday says, you only really hear one side of the issue.

          • Ginjury

            You don’t see anyone supporting women who aren’t childless by choice? In my experience, support groups/general support for women who cannot have children are far more prevalent than for those who choose not to. On this s!te specifically, I’ve found most commenters to be really sympathetic to women who want, but cannot have children. I’m not sure why you think there isn’t support.

            I’d also like to say that, while I understand how frustrating it is when others are attacking you and misinterpreting your comment, it seems like you’ve been really combative on this thread, which doesn’t lend itself to insightful discussions.

          • Anonymous

            Everyone else answered the question “can you be happy without kids?”

            You took it upon yourself to answer the question “are there women without kids who are sad?”

            And refuse to see how those two questions differ. That is why people disagree with you.

          • Monday

            I actually observe the opposite–that women who want children but can’t have them get sympathy and support, while those who have chosen not to do it get judgment and condescension. The common theme from my post above is that we only affirm the desirability of kids, whether you have them or not. The idea that kids might undermine happiness or other goals is unwelcome, again, whether you have them or not.

          • Anom

            I’m sorry that you got involved in a troll fight, but I really think there’s a huge difference between regret over no kids and regret over kids. The first has been discussed ad nauseum since the dawn of time. The second–only since the internet has allowed people to be anonymous.

            Childless-not-by-choice women definitely garner a lot of sympathy, especially when it is due to biology rather than lack of opportunity. When it’s due to lack of opportunity, how do you comfort a woman in that situation? “I’m sorry you never found the right man”? “Have you considered doing it alone?”? “It totally sucks that the US doesn’t provide better childcare benefits to enable single parents to provide opportunities to their children equal to their dual-parent peers”?

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            Anon 5:03 – Noted.

            I think I took that vein because of how flippant the responses to the original question were. I mean, sure the simple answer to “can you be happy without kids” is “yes” but “obviously yes” and “of course” and “is this even a question” reaks of condescension. I do feel that people in this day and age lack a certain sensitivity to the deeper meaning of things. I think its clear that the original poster had more than a yes or no answer in mind. I do believe that this is a real concern for a lot of women and we shouldn’t be flippant about it. Stop focusing on grammar and whether they used proper punctuation or if they said what they meant to say – horsesh*t – you know what’s she’s driving at and yet you choose to tear her down over meaningless details. Be real! Empathize! Offer encouragement but stop blowing smoke up her a$$. Feminism isn’t going to make her feel alright about not having a child…

            Should i be the one to defend the chick who posted the original question? Probably not. But it was interesting to see how sensitive the insensitive were when given a taste of their own medicine.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            Anom 5:11 – YES! Now we’re talking!

    • Anonymous

      Obviously yes. Plenty of people live perfectly happy and fulfilled lives without kids. Both those who choose not to have kids, and at least some portion of those who wanted kids but never had them.

      I don’t understand how this is even a question.

      • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

        It’s really not as obvious as you’d think. While some people may choose not to have children, I believe the vast majority of women who haven’t had kids didn’t have them because they were unable to find a suitable partner with whom to procreate. And that sucks (for lack of a better word) because for many women, having a child is one of many milestones in the life of a woman (or at least that’s what many girls where taught from a very young age – first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Anon with a baby carriage) – add to that the biological urge many experience to have a child and you end up with very unhappy, depressed and alone childless women who feel that they have not experienced what it really means to be a woman because they did not have a child… obviously…

        • Anonymous

          Wait whut?

          The question was not “are all women who don’t have kids happy.” It was “is it possible to be happy without kids.”

          And the answer is OBVIOUSLY YES.

          Clearly, it is also possible to be deeply deeply crushed by not having kids. But the fact that this is a sad occurrence in some people’s lives in no way makes it impossible for others to be a perfectly content fulfilled childless women. It is completely obvious.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            I suppose I’m looking at it from the perspective of a person asking that kind of question. If it was so obvious then they wouldn’t be asking it. I think the answer is indeed YES – but not obviously yes – which connotates “duh stupid, of course it is” when in actuality the answer is “Yes, you can be, but if you really wanted children then that may take a little more effort.” The answer is yes, but it’s not obvious to someone who’s always wanted a child but now can’t have one, whatever the reasons.

          • Anonymous

            Nah, it’s still really really obvious. If you’re seriously walking around thinking no women are happy and fulfilled without kids , you’re an idiot.

            My answer is def still “duh stupid.”

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            I didn’t say they all weren’t – duh stupid! LOL! I am saying that those who didn’t choose to be childless may not be thrilled about it. I can’t believe how difficult that sentiment is to convey to this population! Oh well…

            And btw, answering “Can You Be Happy Without Kids” question with a “duh stupid” is insensitive, not that sensitivity seems to be important to you.

            Anyway, let’s see how you feel in a few years.

          • anon

            Wow! “Let’s see how you feel in a few years!?!’

            So you are being a s3xist jerk, insisting that women don’t really know what they want, and will eventually just succumb to their biological clock and feel the need to gestate.

            Wow.

            And yes, the question “can you be happy without kids” is a really stupid question.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            That’s quite a leap you took there anon! I think it’s foolish to ignore that there may be something chemical that feeds a desire to procreate and stating that being happy without a child is so obvious is a bit too simplistic. You or anyone else don’t have to succumb to anything you don’t want to… You just shouldn’t think that what works for you works for everyone else.

            I really don’t think I’m being catty or aggressive here. Again, surprised by the level of venom with which I’ve been attacked for my comments. I’ve acknowledged that there are women who choose to be childless and I’ve not been judgmental. I also believe that being happy while childless is not a given.

          • Anonymous

            Dude. I am sad I don’t have kids! Really really depressed about it! And I still 100% believe that there are women who are totally fine with it.

            No one here has said being happy while childless is a given for all women. If that’s your takeaway get back to me in 2 years when you’ve learned how to read good and do other stuff good too. But its completely obvious that there are happy women with no kids to anyone with at least a quarter of a brain.

          • anon

            I’m not arguing with you that people can change their minds about having kids. I’m certainly not ignoring it. But it IS catty and passive- aggressive to tell women “lets just see if you change your mind.” It implies that YOU know better than her about her own life and her own desires. It implies that she shouldn’t trust herself. It’s dismissive of her thoughts and feelings. That’s why I pushed back against it.

            If someone told you they were getting married, would you say “lets just see if you change your mind in a few months?” No. If someone told you they were pregnant and excited, would you say “well, you still have a few months to change your mind and get an abortion” or “maybe if you don’t like parenthood you can put it up for adoption? NO. Because it’s rude and shows that you’re dismissing another person’s feelings about their own life.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            Yeah, I’m gonna pass on taking any lessons on what rude is from the likes of you! Take it easy! ;)

        • anon

          “I believe the vast majority of women who haven’t had kids didn’t have them because they were unable to find a suitable partner with whom to procreate”

          Oh you believe this, do you? Based on what, exactly?

          I never want kids. I have an incredibly full life and envision an incredibly full, happy life for myself in the future. For a woman who wants kids, I’m sure not having them is heartbreaking. But not all of us want kids, and not all of us are stuck being upset about them because of dumb patriarchal nursery rhymes that have been engrained into our culture.

          The rest of your post is a mishmash of s3xist stereotypes and makes it sound like you’ve never actually spoken to any women who don’t want kids.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            I think you’re using your own experience to represent a silent majority. Silent because people like you jump down our throats when we express ourselves – as if we’re being anti-feminist. And the nursery rhyme was just a way to illustrate how women are taught in a sterotypical fashion from an early age – I’m not condoning it. That being said, I’m glad it works for you. Do you boo boo! I won’t jump down your throat the way you did mine, fellow female. Good day!

          • Anonymous

            On what planet are “women who wanted kids and don’t have them and are sad about it” a silent majority?

            That’s the assumed default feeling, as evidenced by the asinine original question and your overwrought defense of it.

          • anon

            To I don’t understand how You don’t understand at 2:57-

            Yes, I AM using my own experience. Because I’m one of those woman that you’re pretending doesn’t exist! And I AM going to jump down your throat for being anti-feminist for perpetuating the meme that a woman is incomplete/unfulfilled/depressed/alone because she doesn’t have a child. I Am going to jump down your throat for just blindly accepting, without thinking, that all women feel they should have children *because society tells us that’s the natural course of a woman’s life*. It’s MY choice.

            Ugh, this sentence just sickens me: “feel that they have not experienced what it really means to be a woman because they did not have a child”

            Yup. High achieving women, right here, who feel the haven’t experienced what it really means to be a woman simply because they didn’t breed. All it means to be a woman is to breed, according to you.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            I think they are a silent majority because if a woman outwardly expresses the desire to have children too strongly and god forbid expresses concern about it as Can You Be Happy Without Kids did, she is look at as desperate by men, viewed sympathetically by women who have children and viewed as weak (asinine, patriarchal, s3xist, etc.) by women who don’t have children.

            I mean, look at the level of vitriol here… can you blame me for not speaking my mind sooner? Geesh!

            And anon – my original statement was “While some people may choose not to have children” <— you're right there sweetheart! ;)

          • anon

            Look, I don’t understand-

            you DID speak your mind. And people are jumping on you (or at least I am) because you’re perpetuating s3xist stereotypes.

            I sympathize with women who want kids but can’t have them. I think its BS when women are shamed, degraded, held back at work, etc. etc, when they express the desire to have kids.

            I have never EVER stated that it is asinine, s3xist, or patriarchal to want kids. I have only ever stated that it is s3xist to assume that ALL women are UNHAPPY without kids. Got it?

            “can you be happy without kids” got jumped on because her question was full of s3xism and showed a complete ignorance.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            When did I ever… or as you put it…EVER… use the word ALL? Just wondering. And which part of her question was s3xist exactly? <– serious question Because I'm not seeing anything that says "a woman can't be happy if they don't have children" – at least not explicitly – maybe I'm the type of person who reads between the lines – people seem to lack a certain sensitivity nowadays – an ability to see the real questions. If we're talking about what's obvious, I think it's clear that she was seeking support as she is probably nearing menopause.

            But you spoke your mind too so whatever. I just wish she could've seen the snear of derision as you typed your response to her asinine question.

          • Anonymous

            Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh so sorry. Did you realize you were totes gifted at telling people’s fertility age with no background info on the internet! My bad. In the future I’ll def also assume women on a website for smart women don’t mean what they say and actually mean totes diff things instead of assuming they meant exactly what they wrote.

            “If we’re talking about what’s obvious, I think it’s clear that she was seeking support as she is probably nearing menopause.”

          • anon

            The fact that she even asked the question “can you be happy without kids?” implies that she is under the impression that you can’t.

            “I think it’s clear that she was seeking support as she is probably nearing menopause.”

            I don’t think this is clear at all. Maybe hoopla hoopla is right and she was looking for support. But even still, the fact that she asked that question means she isn’t aware that its possible to be happy without kids. You backed up your assertion that it’s “not obvious” that some women can be happy without kids with a bunch of s3xist clap trap.

            Your posts have been consistently unclear and rude, despite your calls for sensitivity. And yeah, I do deride the attitude that it’s not possible for a woman to be happy without kids. And I’m not going to apologize for it.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            The reason anyone has to be rude to you is because you are extremely dense.
            “I do deride the attitude that it’s not possible for a woman to be happy without kids. And I’m not going to apologize for it.”
            No one is asking you to, genius! I’m all for women choosing how they live their lives! I’m just asking you to open your eyes and be a bit sensitive to those who wanted children but couldn’t have them. I just thought you should know it’s not always “obvious” but carry on, ol insensitive one!

          • I Love Science and Medicine!

            “I believe the vast majority of women who haven’t had kids didn’t have them because they were unable to find a suitable partner with whom to procreate”

            48. Highly successful professional. Have been single. Have been married.

            Never wanted kids. Never had kids. American medicine and real science work when one has access (physical, financial and cultural/religious/psychological) to them. I am walking proof.

            Best friends also early 40s through mid 60s. Also highly successful. Also have been married and single. Also living proof that science and medicine work.

            Not one of us has ever had the thought that we aren’t happy because we didn’t have kids. Neither has my husband or, to my knowledge, any of my friends’ husbands.

            I am old enough to remember early feminism and to be grateful for it. Do we need a refresher course?

          • anon

            I don’t understand at 3:45-

            Clearly you can’t read, or haven’t been reading what I’ve been saying. I have not said ANYTHING rude or insensitive about a woman’s desire to have kids. Ever. You are welcome to show me where I did, but you cannot, because I did not say it.

            You have been a total B**** on this board and are now putting words in my mouth when I’ll I’ve been trying to do is push back against the attitude that some women are happy not having kids.

            “No one is asking you to, genius! I’m just asking you to open your eyes and be a bit sensitive to those who wanted children. But you’re impossible. Gawd, I’m done with you! <— sure you've heard that one before! Wait, was that outta bounds? Geesh, I'm so rude!"

            You sound like an infant.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            Ugh – I Love Science and Medicine – here we go again. I’m glad it worked for you. BRAVO!! Now let’s apply your situation to the rest of the female population… oh wait… we can’t, can we? That wouldn’t be good science would it?

            Does the fact that I choose to acknowledge that there is a large part of the childless female population that really did want kids but didn’t have them for whatever reason make me an anti-feminist? Again with these huge leaps of reasoning based on a singular statement. Really?

          • Em

            A lot of people want a lot of things in life that they don’t get. Pretty much everyone doesn’t get something they deeply want. How you deal with that is up to you.

            There is no doubt in my mind that if I never have children, it will be one of the great tragedies of my life. Equally, there is no doubt in my mind that I can figure out how to be happy despite that. I don’t know how things will turn out for you, but you really need to drop a lot of your assumptions about other women and other people and, perhaps, look at what you can do in your own life instead.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            *Pinches self* Yep, I am. Good question.

        • hoola hoopa

          I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and suspect the question you actually meant to ask is something like “I’m going through a hard time processing that I likely won’t ever have children even though I want them because I worry that I’ll always feel unfulfilled. I could use some encouraging stories of people who always wanted kids but were able to find full happiness.”

          That’s a legitimate feeling that I think many could understand, but the question you actually asked deserves the response you received.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            This. I agree with hoola hoopa. Sorry hoola hoopa. The fact that I agree with you may diminish the validity of your very good point.

          • Anonymous

            Right? I’m interested to hear from women who really really always wanted kids and don’t have them and are happy/unhappy/secretly Zoolander.

            But women who are childless by choice I’m going to go ahead and assume are content with that decision because they’re grownups.

          • anon

            ““I’m going through a hard time processing that I likely won’t ever have children even though I want them because I worry that I’ll always feel unfulfilled. I could use some encouraging stories of people who always wanted kids but were able to find full happiness”

            I think this is a discussion worth having. OP, is this what you meant?

          • PrettyLawBelle

            This is actually what I was thinking as well… Instead of “can women be happy without having kids” it is more the question of “can *I* be happy without having kids (because I really want to have them)?”

            And to that, I echo “I don’t understand’s” sentiments, that, while it might not be exactly what you wanted or envisioned for yourself, you CAN live a wonderful, lovely fulfilled life without being a mother.

            I cannot believe how nasty this conversation turned.

          • anon

            The entire thread was prompted by someone asking, without any elaboration, “can you be happy without kids.” Not. “I want kids, and can’t have them, can I be happy?” but “is it EVEN POSSIBLE to be happy without kids.”

            Lol, where did “I don’t understand” ever write that “while it might not be exactly what you wanted or envisioned for yourself, you CAN live a wonderful, lovely fulfilled life without being a mother”?

            Because I can’t see that post anywhere on this thread. All she’s doing is arguing that it’s reasonable to believe that the vast majority of childless woman are unhappy about it, and putting words in other poster’s mouths, flinging childish insults and then editing her posts after.

            That’s why this thread got so nasty.

          • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

            yeah, that chicks the worse… Poor anon! Lol!

          • PrettyLawBelle

            To anon@ 4:35, I’d submit that this stream of comments got nasty because people responded to the OP’s question with “duh!” and “obviously!” way before “i don’t understand” ever commented. Perhaps a request for OP to elaborate would have been more appropriate than these types of statements.

            Also, I said, “I agree with ‘i don’t understand’s’ sentiments” that blah, blah, and blah. In other words, that is what *I* gathered from the whole of that person’s numerous comments. It clearly wasn’t a direct quote. And just like you “can’t see [those sentimenets] anywhere on this thread” I can’t see why most people who have commented on this question have taken the unwarranted, nasty and condesending tone they have. Perhaps to include you.

            Lol.

        • Parfait

          It’s different when it’s your own! Your child could grow up to cure cancer! People like you should have kids! You’ll change your mind! You aren’t a real adult until you have kids! Children are a woman’s greatest achievement! People who don’t want kids are selfish! Don’t you want to see what they would look like? How do you know you don’t want kids unless you try it? Who will take care of you when you’re old? What if your parents hadn’t had kids?

          Did I miss any? Do we have bingo yet?

          Signed, my biological clock stopped ticking because I smashed it with a hammer

          • anon

            My favorite one that I hear in my office from older support staff -who know nothing about my romantic life–all the time: “you’ll change your mind when you find the right guy.”

            Excuse me?!?!? f* off.

            You also missed- “you haven’t really known love until you’ve had a child!!!!”

          • emeralds

            I’ve been walking around saying I don’t want bio kids since I was 10 years old. Not once in the 16 years I’ve been telling people I don’t want kids, has anyone ever NOT responded with one of Parfait’s bingo card responses. (Except my own mom, thank God.)

            ETA, yes, you can be happy without kids, in case it’s helpful for another woman to say that.

          • NOPE NOPE NOPE

            No desire to procreate here. The idea of something expensive that limits my: travel, career, personal time, and damages my body? That sounds awful. I love my spouse and our relationship. None of these things are things I will willingly sacrifice to fit in with social norms.

    • anon

      Omg.

      Of COURSE you can be happy without kids.

      Why is this even a question!?

      Does this mean that all women who don’t have kids are happy without them? No. But YES, some women certainly are.

    • Lobbyist

      I’m a parent and happy with the choice, but I really enjoyed the book “But I can barely take care of myself” — it’s by a comedienne who wrote it to explain why she wasn’t going to become a parent and how that was a perfectly justifiable life choice, even though it’s annoying to constantly have to justify it.

      • L

        “Even though it’s annoying to constantly have to justify it.”

        THIS. I mean seriously, do we badger people with kids? No one is asking parents, “are you SURE you don’t regret having little Suzie? Let’s see how you feel in a few years”

        JFC.

      • Monday

        Tellingly, the original working title of that book was not self-deprecating. I believe it was going to be called “You’ll Change Your Mind Someday,” which is a lot more assertive of a (sarcastic) statement about rebelling from the mandate to have kids. As a childless-by-choice woman, I resent that they went with a title that makes it sound sheepish and immature. I can take care of myself, I could take care of babies, but I happen not to be doing the latter. Less palatable? Harder to market?

    • NYtoCO

      Wow. I’m just… surprised that you’re surprised at some of the reactions you’re getting here, on a webs*te full of high-achieving women.

    • Anon

      There are people who wanted kids and got them, who did and didn’t/couldn’t have them, people who didn’t want kids and didn’t have them, and people who never wanted kids and ended up with them anyway. People can be happy or unhappy and fulfilled or unfulfilled in all of these circumstances.

      • January

        +1 – also, it’s not clear to me that “Can You Be Happy Without Kids?” and “I don’t understand” are actually the same poster. If the OP was asking if she could be happy without children even though she really wanted them, then I think the answer is yes; if the question is whether women who claim to be happy without children are kidding themselves (no pun intended), then I think that’s a debate not worth having.

    • I don't understand how YOU don't understand...

      It’s been a real pleasure being the bad guy/troll in this thread. Time to feed my kids now! Lol! Good night ladies!

    • Senior Attorney

      Lots of people in this crazy old world (dare I say “most?”) have things that they really, really want but end up not getting. I had my child, and I love and adore him, but I really, really, REALLY wanted a husband/partner who would love me and be there for me and despite two attempts, I’m single at 55 and odds are better than even that I will stay that way.

      It’s a crushing disappointment and a deep sadness to think that I will likely end my life without having had that great romantic partnership that I dreamed of. But I’m still happy and fulfilled. I love my son, I love my work, I have good friends and I try to be of service to the smaller and larger community.

      I think it’s quite possible to be happy even though you haven’t been able to have something that you truly, deeply, madly wanted. Maybe not as happy as you would be if you’d gotten it, but in my view that’s not something it’s all that profitable to dwell on.

      • TO Lawyer

        I love this perspective. My goal is to feel happy and fulfilled about my life even though sometimes I’m sad that I’m single and I don’t have the close companionship and partnership that many of my friends do. (I’m working on it – I probably feel happy and fulfilled about 70% of the time!)

      • anon

        Oh don’t lose hope! It may get to be biologically “too late” to do things like have kids, but I don’t think you ever get too old for romance & at 55, I’d say you’ve got a lot of time still.

      • FinanceJenie

        I’m in my 40’s and feel the same way. I have a happy, fulfilling life and while I’ve never wanted children I always believed I’d have a romantic partner to share my life. I’ve begun to accept the fact that it will probably not happen for me. I’m not okay with it yet but I’m getting there.

  9. Baconpancakes

    Anyone want to help me hunt for a sweater? I got rid of an oversized, cabled, grey/blue turtleneck sweater two years ago, but of course this year I’m obsessing over wearing it with fake leather leggings.

    I feel like every time I get rid of something that I love but honestly don’t wear, it comes back into style a year later, and I get really excited to wear it until I remember it’s gone. Le sigh. Anyone else do this?

  10. Shopping challenge

    I want a grey, loose cardigan with sleeves that don’t look sloppy and loose (so no dolman or batwing sleeves). It doesn’t have to be cashmere, but I’d prefer wool.

    Something like this, but with a tad more structure (and less $$): http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306557849&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446712897&R=885572323821&P_name=Saks+Fifth+Avenue+Collection&N=306557849+1536+399545627+1537&bmUID=kAtQgOB

    Any ideas where to look?

    • anon

      Vince? Bonus, they are having 25% off F&F on their site right now (Saks also carries Vince, but not all of the same things on both sites).

    • MJ

      Believe it or not, the Eddie Bauer catalog I just got had a few really cute sweaters like this…check online.

  12. Super Anon

    At a BigLaw firm, do you always just have to deal with it or leave the firm if you work for terrible partners? A friend and fellow associate of mine works for some terrible ones who are so unreasonable and who have lost several associates in the past few years. I am itching to say something about how unacceptably they are treating her (and how stupid a way to run a business it is to run all your associates into the ground) but I know it can only hurt me and won’t help her. It’s just hard to watch her have such a rough time. Plus I hate that there’s no support in the firm, so if one of my partners started acting like this I would have the same options she does. It just sucks.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      It depends on the firm. If you are in a big enough practice group and the partner is generally acknowledged to be terrible you may have some luck diplomatically suggesting that you would prefer to work for some other partners. I would try to look for something that is different about the other partners’ businesses (clients in a different sector you are suddenly very interested in, etc.). Whomever does the staffing will read between the lines. However, if there are a number of terrible partners all in the same practice group than it is likely a firm-wide culture problem and I’d be looking to get out.

    • JJ

      Generally, if the partners have been like that for a while and have already run other associates off, then the firm is aware of their “management style” and has’t made any modifications. So that’s your answer. If you or your friend wants proactive change, then you’ll need to find a new place to work. It totally sucks when you realize this – I left my first firm for that very reason.

    • ac

      I agree with PPs. If the partner is successful, has run other associates off, and is a jerk (but not discriminating/harassing/etc. to an obvious and provable degree), your friend is unlikely to get help from management. What she can do is build relationships with other partners who will give her work and have her back so she doesn’t have to work with terrible partners only. If that’s not an option (e.g., if the jerks are the only partners or the most powerful partners in her group), then she may be SOL and the only option is to look for a different position.

      This is not your fight. You can sympathize with her, but trying to stand up for her may well have negative repercussions for the both of you. I’m sorry.

    • AnonLawMom

      Do not get involved in this. Support your friend and maybe try to come up with good solutions for her to shift her work to other partners/groups or simply learn to stand up for herself better. But do not inject yourself into the firm politics of this issue. It won’t make a difference for your friend but it may make a negative difference for you.

      Your friend has three choices (1) suck it up and deal with it, (2) manage the situation and make it better somehow or (3) get a new job.

  13. Gibbler

    I have about 5 free hours in Napa this afternoon. First time here. Any recommendations?

    • Anon in NYC

      If you want to go wine tasting try to get an appointment at any of the following places: Larkmead, Stony Hill, or Schramsburg (if you like sparkling).

    • JJ

      Trefethen is my absolute favorite winery. In a historic old house and the nicest employees ever (with outstanding wine, to boot).

  14. Fun Friday Question

    Question: If you could live in any city in the world, with the guarantee that you could find suitable employment in your chosen field without work visa issues, and that would pay you enough money to maintain the same standard of living that you have now, where would you live?

    (Caveat – you can’t change anything about that city or your existing standard of living, so it can’t be “NYC if I earned 2 million per year” or “XYZ city but only if it had better public transportation”).

    Follow-up question – if it isn’t where you currently live, why not?

    • Anonymous

      London.

      Why not now? Because in reality visa issues do exist and I’m a US trained litigator whose favorite part is arguing in court, so the move doesn’t seem feasible.

      • London Calling

        I’d love to live in London too.

        Why not? Honestly, my husband’s career lets him live anywhere in the world and at one point he let me choose anywhere that I wanted to live. I picked a small/medium Northeastern city where we would be close to family and I could let my career thrive. I sometimes daydream about just quitting my job and moving to Europe in general, but I know a few things about myself and my life, including that I am the ‘responsible one’ who holds family stuff together and my sister/mother would have a very hard time with me gone. I also really get fulfillment out of my career and am not sure I could find something similar in the UK. Finally, it is very important to my husband especially that we have children. As his job requires travel for 2-3 month stretches at a time and he is gone 6 months out of the year, I realized a long time ago that this would be impossible without family close by.

      • tesyaa

        Hmm, I’m half English, and was born in London so no visa issues for me. I like London a LOT, but once in a while I’d like to see the sun shine.

      • Anonymous

        Really? We almost had to move to Honolulu for my husband’s job and the prospect was terrifying. Partly because of the things the OP excluded in her question (cost of living and the job situation) but there’s also a fair amount of crime, tons of traffic, the public schools are terrible and flying to visit our family on the East Coast would be so expensive we would be lucky if we could do it once a year. I was so so relieved when we didn’t have to go. I love visiting Hawaii but would never want to move permanently to Honolulu. The Big Island on the other hand….(if jobs/finances were not an issue at least, which obviously they are).

    • Anonymous

      Maybe Kansas City? I really miss my family in the Midwest. I love visiting Chicago but I don’t think I’m made to live in a city that big. Also KC is significantly warmer than Chicago (and Minneapolis and Madison and other Midwestern cities I like).
      Why don’t I live there now? My husband’s in academia so we don’t have a lot of control over where we go and we can’t just pick up and move somewhere because he’ll have no way of getting a job.

      • Anon in KC

        Coming out of lurkdom to say how much it warmed my heart to see KC included here. It IS [Ellen caps warranted] a great city- especially right now. Go Royals!!

    • hoola hoopa

      Real answer: My hometown. I don’t because in reality the job prospects don’t exist and I wouldn’t be able to maintain my current standard of living.

      Fun answer: Dublin, maybe?

      • Mpls

        Hometown in Eastern Montana. But the reality is the same as yours, plus the oil boom hasn’t made it a friendly place.

        But the sky is so big….

      • Terry

        You made my day by picking my adopted city! (And, hey, who knows what the future holds.)

    • AIMS

      I think I’d still live in NYC. If I were to deviate, I’d pick somewhere in California, but I don’t live there because I am not admitted to the CA bar and the process of taking the bar and me and Mr. AIMS both having to find jobs seems daunting, esp. given the distance. I also work in a somewhat niche area and I feel like I am too invested in my current city, career wise, to make the transition. But whenever I am in California or it gets really cold and windy in NY or something falls on me from my overstuffed tiny closet, I question why I don’t just switch coasts.

    • Anonymous

      Vienna

      I don’t speak German well enough, no work visa, and I’m a lawyer which (shockingly! I did not know this when I chose law as a field) is jurisdiction specific.

      Also, it would be too much of a pain to visit famiy.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Fun question. NYC is my ideal city to live in right now, and I do!

      San Francisco is the only other place I can picture myself living right now. It would mean taking another bar exam and my fiance giving up his excellent job doing exactly what he is meant to do in this world so it isn’t going to happen. Luckily I love living in NYC and have good friends in the Bay Area so I always have a great reason to visit.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Oh god, so many choices. I’m not sure I’ve seen enough of the world to know. Of the places I’ve been, probably London, though I’d probably want to spend at least a few months of the year somewhere that was truly warm. I suspect I’d really love somewhere in California, but I’ve never been. Why am I not in London? Because I’m a lawyer, and not a transactional one.

    • emeralds

      A) Rome. B) Combo of the difficulty of getting a work visa and wanting to be closer to my family. But I’m working towards getting to the level in my career where an international position might be possible–I don’t think I have enough professional bells and whistles to make me attractive enough that someone’s going to sponsor me, but I’m trying to get there!

      • NYtoCO

        I would love to know why you chose Rome. A lot of what you hear about Italy is that the smaller cities are great, but that Rome is overrated. I visited Italy a few years ago and absolutely loved Tuscany, but also kind of fell in love with Rome– it was much different than what I expected given people’s opinions of it.

        • emeralds

          I have a love/hate relationship with it, honestly. I hate it for all of the reasons you hear about–traffic, expensive, public services are a mess, shitty public transportation, the HORDES OF PEOPLE. But I love it for the language, the food, the art, the culture, the history, the beautiful back streets and the gardens, buying the freshest produce you’ve ever seen from your neighborhood vegetable shop, the fact that there are whole stores devoted to mozzarella di bufala, the value that Italian culture places on family, friends, and leisure time. It’s the one place in the world other than my hometown that I can’t imagine not going back to.

    • Alice

      Geneva. Close to Chamonix for skiing and hiking et al., but I could still have a garden and be in/near a city. Or, if family is a consideration, San Francisco.

      Why not…because I’m a lawyer working for the federal government, and therefore employment = U.S. Also, my goal is to move somewhere with a lower cost of living. Because current standard of living works now, but if we have a kid, it might be nice to have a car. And a second bedroom. And a washer and dryer.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d love to live in Manhattan, if “maintaining my current standard of living” means having a 1600 square foot residence with a large outside space and an on-site garage for my car!

      Maybe.

      The weather out here in So Cal is awful nice…

    • attornaut

      So Cal, and I’m actively working on it. It might take a few years to get licensed, find a job that pays around the same as my current one, and find my SO a job, but I am setting aside a little time each week to job search.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Best answer. And they need to hurry up and decide on a premiere date for the next season of that show.

  15. homebody

    bathroom storage tips and advice?

    we just moved into a rental with a nice big bathroom, but it’s always a mess of bottles and brushes on the counter. There are two sinks (yay!), but no drawers or medicine cabinets – just deep under-the-sink cabinets that seem to be so hard to access. Ideas for some way to organize the top of the sink? Should we install a medicine cabinet? are there special under-the-sink type organizers you guys are fans of?

    • AMB

      I find baskets useful – when I staged my house for sale earlier in the year I got one of those nested sets of various sizes and in my rental I now use one for all hair implements, another for travel related things… etc. I wouldn’t recommend installing a medicine cabinet in a rental.

    • Anon

      If your cabinets are a standard width, you can buy pull-out drawers for them. The same kind designed for low kitchen cabinets.

    • MU JD

      Time for a visit to The Container Store. They have lots of styles and options. If the bathroom is big enough, you could also consider shelving or other stand alone storage.

      • Alice

        +1. Especially useful if you have a cabinet with lots of height…you can then have two levels of stuff. I also ended up installing cheap IKEA shelves on the wall (Grundal?), and they hold spare towels and baskets with various accoutrement. In my opinion, this seems less visually crowded than installing a medicine cabinet.

    • YouSaucyMinx

      Sliding shelves for inside the cabinets to make use of the deep spaces–we store cleaning materials int he bottom shelf, then in the top shelf the beauty products I use often but not every day (certain lotions, deep facial mask, etc).

      Also, an over the cabinet hot tools organizer–it holds my dryer, straightener, and curling iron and keeps the cords free. It hangs onto the cabinets so it tucks everything neatly away.

    • Wildkitten

      We put a shelf above the sink so things can go on the shelf and not on the sinkcounter.

    • Meg Murry

      Bed bath and beyond has special sheling designed specifically for under sinks – this is a basic one, they also have fancier pull out styles. For stuff you use daily – yes, baskets are your friend to corral the clutter. For stuff you only pull out once in a while like eye-shadow you only use on special occasions, look for things like the Sterilite Stack and Carry containers for under the sink. If there is enough counter space you could also consider some of those small clear plastic drawers. I also put baskets of makeup etc in my linen closet in the bathroom because under our sink is also a black hole best for things like spare TP or tampons, not daily use things like my makeup and moisturizer.
      https://m.bedbathandbeyond.com/m/product/two-tier-expandable-under-the-sink-shelf/1042452546

    • Anon

      When I was short on storage, I used an over-the-sink mesh strainer (meant for the kitchen, with handles that pull out from the sides to keep it over the sink) to keep all of my daily items (cleanser, makeup, hairspray, brush, whatever I used to get ready every day) and put it on top of the sink while getting ready, in the cabinet when I was done. No mess around the sink other than toothbrush and cup.

  16. Emme

    Can anyone comment on the quality of Dorothy Perkins shoes? I spotted some cute ones, but am curious about the quality at such a low price. Is there an American brand you’d compare them to? Payless? Nine West?

    • Rowan

      Slightly better than Payless. I didn’t buy enough shoes last time I was in the states for a proper comparison!

  17. Recently separated

    I am newly separated (not the poster that’s been posting about it recently, however). I am generally OK with the decision to separate. However, now that I’ve moved to a place of my own I am suddenly having anxiety and feelings of loneliness that I’m afraid will slide into depression. Reflecting back, I’ve never really been that comfortable being alone. The few times I’ve been alone in my life (i.e., between relationships) I’ve always gotten anxious and started developing low self-esteem, which rationally I realize is dumb but irrationally I have trouble combatting.

    Has anyone else been through this before? Any advice? I’m trying to stay busy and friends are being supportive. But I’m starting to feel the old feelings of depression.

      • Recently separated

        It’s a good idea… I’ve just been 1.5 years of marriage counseling though and I’m exhausted by the thought of getting back into therapy again. Maybe that’s what I need to do though.

        • Anonymous

          Or just take drugs! Just throwing it out there- therapy + meds might be the gold standard but one appointment with a psychiatrist and a script for anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds is also pretty great.

        • Senior Attorney

          Individual therapy is very very different from marriage counseling, which in my view is super awful and soul-sucking. Give it a try — you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised!

    • Anonymous

      Therapy and medication. Because letting yourself sink into a depression you see coming is never a useful mental health management strategy.

    • Anon

      Embrace life alone. Pick your nose! Lose the pants! Touch yourself inappropriately! Eat crackers in bed! Make a fort in your living room! Use your shirt as a napkin! Never close the bathroom door again!

      Keep yourself busy with friends and non-work activities.

      If these things don’t do it for you, therapy. Even if they do, therapy is still not a bad thing.

      • Anon

        When my husband travels I never close the bathroom door. It’s always a little sad that I have to start doing it again when he comes home.

        • Rowan

          And decide that a ball of mozzarella and a pack of Parma ham eaten straight from the packet definitely counts as dinner!

    • roses

      Apologies if this sounds trivial, but do you have (or would you consider getting) a pet? Pets can do wonders for easing anxiety, and it might help you feel less alone on your own.

      Therapy is never a bad idea when facing a downward slide, either.

      • Recently separated

        I would love to have a dog, but I know I’m not in a place right now where I could be responsible for one. Maybe one day!

        • Cat Lady

          A kitten automatically comes housebroken… and their human interactions are subtle and complex enough to make you less lonely.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I think this is a post that calls for “shots! shots! shots!” Not a long term solution of course. :) Could you spend some time really thinking about what it is that is making you anxious. My friend realized when she divorced that she felt less safe for a lot of reasons. She was suddenly living alone. What if someone broke in? What if she was kidnapped? How long before someone noticed she was missing? She wasn’t wearing a ring so she got hit on more. She didn’t like making up a fake boyfriend to make them go away. She relied on her ex to fix a lot of things and she felt dumb calling her apartment service people for little things that she should know how to fix herself. For her the anxiety stemmed from having to be 100% responsible for herself. Shopping for groceries, cooking (her ex cooked). Once she figured out the source she could figure out some solutions. She met her neighbors and felt she had a place to run if the situation ever required it. She’d send me a text when going for a walk and when she got home so someone would know if she dropped dead outside. She had some friends over to teach her to cook different things on different nights. She had a deadbolt installed. She learned to google fixes. It was a long road but she is so much better now.

      • Shots. Shots. Shots.

        NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE

        Treating your recognized mental health problems with me results in more depression and anxiety, but with a side-dose of alcohol dependency!

        I’m hear to bring fun into your life, not long term problems (short term problems? I am so there).

  18. anon

    Can anyone tell me if Ann Taylor’s tropical wool suiting is the same color from year to year? I’m wondering if I can replace a “dark navy” jacket that I purchased a couple of years ago with a “dark navy” one from this year to save the rest of the suit. I don’t think the one I want is in stores, so I’ll have to order it to see. Thought I would check here first! Thanks!

    • Bonnie

      Even if it is, the colors are not likely to match because the navy jacket will have faded over the years.

      • Anonymous

        Possibly, but I have worn the skirt/pants minimally so that might not be the case. Unfortunately, I somehow lost the jacket on a trip. I figured it would be worth a shot.

  19. Anonymous

    Need advice please. I’ve already sought advice on this issue (which I thought was great advice!) but now I’m second guessing my clothing choices. We are attending a wedding at Inn at Sunset Cliffs in San Diego next weekend. The wedding website says “casual beach wedding” but when I look at pictures of the venue on Google it looks fancy and I’m afraid of I’ll be under dressed. I’ll add links to the two dresses I have purchased. I am 20 weeks pregnant. Which do you think is best???

    • ragnarockette

      I wouldn’t worry about it. California is notoriously casual. Unless something specifically says “black tie,” there are always going to be ladies wearing dark jeans and sparkly tops.

      Beach casual = flowy dress + open toed shoes + hair down

  20. Anonymous

    I don’t know why I got stuck in moderation!

    Need advice please. I’ve already sought advice on this issue (which I thought was great advice!) but now I’m second guessing my clothing choices. We are attending a wedding at Inn at Sunset Cliffs in San Diego next weekend. The invitation says “casual beach wedding” but when I look at pictures of the venue on Google it looks fancy and I’m afraid I’ll be under dressed. Following are two dresses I purchased. I am 20 weeks pregnant. Which do you think is best???

  21. Jeepy

    Hi all! I am starting a new role in a very conservative office–which is entirely new for me – and have been working to update my wardrobe basics accordingly. I have suits, jackets and pants covered, but I am having the most difficult time finding dresses and skirts that work well for my body type and are conservative enough to be appropriate.

    I have a more pear-ish hourglass shape (DD bust and broad shoulders, smaller waist and big hips/thighs/rear) and cannot seem to find dresses that have enough room in the hips/thighs. Alterations around the waist area aren’t a deal-breaker for me, but I cannot seem to find dresses that will even accommodate my hips to begin with, without buying a few sizes up and having the whole upper half of the dress altered, which is expensive. Also, many skirts seem to give too curvy of a silhouette to feel appropriate in this environment, so I’m wondering if anyone has found skirts with lines that work better for bigger hips/booty? I do have a JCrew skirt that I had altered to fit better, but I’m open to new brands and shapes.

    I have searched through this site and others a bit, but I thought I’d ask for some “fresh” recommendations for dresses and skirts: where are the best places to find dresses/skirts that might accommodate my shape? Any other ideas or recommendations re: dresses and skirts? Thanks!

    (Re-posted)

    • lucy stone

      I have this shape but am a much larger size. I’ve liked dresses from Talbots, and Boden.

      • Jeepy

        Hi Lucy! Thanks for the feedback. Funny that you mentioned Boden because I just ordered a 3/4 sleeve fit and flare dress from them a few days ago! I’m really hoping it works because I haven’t found many other options in my price range. I tried a few dresses on at Talbots recently, but had no luck :( I’ll have to try again. It drives me nuts that very few designers try to market to our body type when it comes to work – any other occasion seems to provide an abundance of options, but none for work! Sigh.

  22. Is it me?

    I need some perspective on a work situation. I am a partner. I work with a more senior male partner. We have a fairly decent working relationship, but he’s one of those “difficult” partners people. He’s generally very stressful to work for.

    This afternoon, we were working on a brief and disagreeing on a minor point about how to draft a section. Every time I made a statement regarding why I thought we should go one way in drafting, he would say things like, “Calm down,” “Don’t make this a big deal,” “Don’t overreact,” “This isn’t a big issue,” etc. He wouldn’t let me talk. I don’t think I was treating it like a big issue, and the whole thing really upset me. I think it pushed that button for me: this is one of the ways men devalue a woman’s input.

    Really though, he’s your textbook equal opportunity difficult partner.

    Am I being unreasonable?

    • Anom

      I HATE it when guys do that. I wish I had the vocabulary to describe that situation. If you’re a partner, you’re pretty safe to address him head on right? Could you say something like “What makes you think I’m overreacting?” or “I don’t appreciate it when you talk to me that way”?

    • Is it me?

      I did push back in the conversation. In talking to someone else, I was describing it as being the way that men talk to women to devalue them, and that person thought I was crazy and that no other women would feel that way.

      Sorry I’m not giving enough details. I’m trying to be detail-vague, and I’m not being clear.

      • ac

        If he’s textbook equal opportunity difficult in most cases, I’d probably just chalk it up to a bad interaction and not read more into it. I have a partner who is very equal opportunity but everyone once in awhile stumbles into providing gender-loaded feedback. I really don’t think it comes from a sexist place with him, but I totally know the feeling of your spidey-feminism-sense going off.

        Any way< I can totally understand how this would push your buttons, but it's possible it was a one-off situation. If he does it again, I think you have more to worry about.

        • Is it me?

          That’s what I’m thinking. I think I’m most disturbed by his willingness to say anything to win an argument (also leads to a lot of personal attacks).

          • Joan Holloway

            If it happens again, can you say just that–that you’re disturbed by his willingness to say anything to win?

            Or something along the lines of, “You’re right. THIS isn’t a big deal, but your gaslighting is.” (My fantasy response.)

          • RR

            I could probably get away with any response, but I try to stay productive with them. I’m getting less motivated.

  23. Diana Barry

    Argh! Meant to post earlier.

    ISO actual TALL leggings. I have some from Athleta that are tall, but now they have shrunk such that they are just falling down on the waist. Maybe high-waisted ones? Have any tall ‘ r e t t e s had luck finding leggings?

    • Wildkitten

      Zella? Boden? Title 9? My super longs are running tights from lululemon but their quality and reputation have gone downhill.

    • Anonymous

      I have some Mossimo ones from Target from a few years ago that are very long. I’m 5’11” and they come down to the tops of my feet.

  24. RZT

    Can anyone recommend a great basic grey skirt? I’m getting back into shape, post-baby, and I need something to carry me over until I can get back into my rotation of normal clothes. I have had good luck with the former cut of The Skirt, but not the current one, if that helps. I have also had decent luck with Banana’s Sloan skirt.

  26. Another shopper

    I want plain, v neck sweaters to wear over button downs. Is that too much to ask? Anybody know where to get them?

  27. Shopping help...

    I lost the belt from my J.Crew wintress puffer. I emailed customer service, but they have been amazingly unhelpful, suggesting that I buy another coat from them (!) in order to get a new belt. This coat doesn’t work without the belt and I can’t fathom buying an entirely new coat for want of a nylon belt (which is probably worth all of ten cents). Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Thanks!

    • I'm Just Me

      I don’t know what jacket that is, but your tailor may be able to make you one. Worth asking.

  28. OC

    I visited several sites however the audio quality for udio songs
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