This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I am really loving the destroyed denim trend, and these Frame Denim skinnies are calling my name. Which are your favorite denim brands, ladies? Which are your favorite denim styles right now? The pictured jeans are $199, available in sizes 24-31. Frame Denim ‘Le Color Rip' Skinny Jeans (Film Noir)
Here's a more affordable version in blue (I keep hearing good things about Vigoss for budget denim, and liked the pair I bought although I eventually returned them because they were too big), and a more affordable version in black. Here's a distressed plus-size option.
(L-5)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Trish
What kind of tablet is best for reading case law? I HATE reading cases or briefs on the monitor or my laptop so I still print out way too much paper especially if I am going on a trip. I can download PDF cases from westlaw to the Kindle but that is useless: so small I can’t read the print and there is no good way to organize work stuff on the kindle. Ideally, I’d like an iPad but just cannot justify the over 300 dollar price tag for a reader. Are there other tablets that are 9 or 10 inches that are user friendly for lawyers who have to read cases and briefs all the time?
anyanony
Doesn’t the adjustable font feature on your kindle work? (Though that doesn’t help with the organizing feature.) Does the Kindle Fire have an organizing feature?
Trish
It works for books but not for the PDFs. You have to move the case back and forth. It is stupid!
Anon
When you send the PDF to your kindle do you put “convert” in the email subject line? I’m not sure how the cases are formatted but that’s how I send articles to myself. Amazon adjusts them so they’re in type instead of as a picture of the PDF
Trish
Oh! no. I will try that!
anne
But you can do so much more with an iPad than just use it as a Kindle! Especially if you are traveling. Music, your email, podcasts, films etc. I love mine and could not be without it.
Meg Murry
Reading on an iPad isn’t much better than reading on a monitor, IMO, other that you can hold it in your hand a little easier. Could you borrow a friend’s for a few days and load up some pdfs to see what you think before buying one?
There are large screen e-readers out there, but they are really pricey and can ONLY serve as pdf/e-readers, nothing else. I wish Amazon made a slightly larger Kindle option that was still e-ink for reading things like pdfs, I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Here are some other e-readers out there – but some googling tells me the largest one is around the size of a legal pad and is $1100 ?!?http://goodereader.com/blog/electronic-readers/the-best-large-screen-e-readers
Gail the Goldfish
I have a Samsung Galaxy Tab S I really like, but I think it’s the same price as an iPad. Check and see if Asus makes a good-sized tablet–they usually have good products for not very much.
Anonymous
This is not helpful at all, but I commiserate. I strictly do appeals, and probably kill a tree per year with how much paper I use. I just can’t make anything else work. I highlight and take extensive margin notes when I’m reading and analyzing cases, and there is no technological equivalent. I use LexisAdvance, and even its online highlighting and notes function doesn’t do it for me. There is also no way to properly organize the cases by issue without real life binder clips. Ugh. My files are so heavy:(
Anon too
I’m with you. I’d love to stop killing trees but I can’t read and think properly unless I scribble all over everything. I have no idea how so many judges/lawyers–especially of the appellate variety–operate when they go paperless.
Anonymous
Yup. My brain doesn’t process it unless it comes out through a pen in my hand. I’m 34 and very into technology in other aspects of life, but I just can’t do it any other way.
Anonymous
They don’t really go paperless. I clerked in a “paperless” federal appellate court. We printed reems of paper…
Snoozy
The Samsung Galaxy Note (with pen) comes in a 12″ version – pricey, though. I have a smaller note and love it, because I too can’t work without a pen in my hand.
Blonde Lawyer
Any chance your work will pay for it? I love my work ipad. If you are a litigator, trial pad and transcript pad apps are awesome. I use PDF Expert for cases (linked w/ dropbox) and Kindle for books. Picture it Settled is also good for tracking demands and offers and very useful at mediation.
Trish
Thank you for the tips. I work for a state agency so I will have to buy something for myself. Kindle needs to make a BIG screen reader! I think the Samsung might be the thing!
Rainbows and Unicorns
Do NOT even bother trying to use an iPad for lawyering work. I have been a lawyer for 20 years (10 BigLaw litigator, 10 in-house). iPads are not for us. They are for hip, young, graphic designers and marketing people who gallavant down the street on their way to a “meeting” at which they will “show their presentation to a client.”
I can highly recommend a Surface. It is a tablet-sized PC and functions just like your PC. Real operating system. Real Microsoft office suite. Ability to store documents properly. Etc.
ETA: because iPads have to USB port, you can’t transfer anything to or from them on a memory stick. A Surface, on the other hand, no problem.
Blonde Lawyer
Funny, my federal district court strongly prefers ipad presentations, offers free classes on it, offers tech support in court for ipad users and offers none of the same for pc users. At my last jury trial there, opposing counsel couldn’t get his exhibits to display right with trial director on his laptop and trancript pad for ipad worked just fine.
I agree that pc based products are better for writing and editing and running most lawyer software. Getting documents on and off the ipad are not a problem with cloud technology which my district has an ethics opinion that we are allowed to use. YMMV.
I think your broad generalization however is just that given that some courts, at least mine is really pushing everyone to go to e-evidence only (paperless trials) and is expressing a strong preference that this be done with ipads.
Jen
Uh…I am a litigator and I use my iPad extensively for work. That is how I highlight and annotate cases, and a memory stick is unnecessary because the apps for annotating PDFs link with Dropbox or email. FWIW, this is not an age thing–the judge for whom I clerked and many Ninth Circuit judges use iPads to organize their bench books and case materials. This comment seems to be about your preference and not what lawyers in general find useful.
Trish
Wait. You can’t use a USB to pull docs from your computer at work and then look at them at home? The iPad doesn’t have a USB port?
Jen
No, but you don’t need one because you can just put them onto the iPad via dropbox.
Anonymous
+1 Another litigator who uses iPads a lot.
Wednesday
Why “meeting” in quotation marks? It’s not a real meeting if you’re in marketing?
S
Incredibly narrow-minded and ageist.
Anon-Y
Okay, judgments aside, there are lawyers who LOVE the Surface for highlighting, annotation etc because the palm rejection is great. You can annotate pdfs and word documents. That’s something you won’t get on an iPad unless you’re using the newest, fanciest Adonit stylus which requires a bluetooth connection – I have no first-hand experience with said stylus, so no idea if it matches up to the Surface screen/stylus.
SameSameNameName
Since last year all new lawyers qualifying in Ireland are taught/ trained using iPads as the primary teaching tool. Lecture notes, text books, tutorials, precedent documents etc are delivered via iPad. It’s not ideal as some of us learn better with physical paper and highlighter in front of us but it is very handy in the office as you can have 2 years worth of notes in front of you at all times. Times are changing and technology is increasingly improving our ways of working. Being able to write up notes or prepare documents whilst waiting to be called in Court is very easy with an iPad.
M-C
Y’all haven’t looked at kindles recently. If you need to save a lot of paper, I’d suggest the Fire HDX with nearly 9″ of screen http://www.amazon.com/Fire-HDX-8-9-Display-Wi-Fi/dp/B00HCNHDN0/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1430589290&sr=8-15&keywords=kindle The smaller HDX is under $200.
And you can convert pdf to kindle format very easily, and free: http://www.pcworld.com/article/2044412/convert-a-pdf-for-kindle-viewing-no-software-required.html
Google, really..
Meg Murry
The problem with Kindle Fire tablets or iPads, or any tablet that isn’t an e-ink reader is that they are very hard on the eyes. The Kindle e-ink readers are much easier on the eyes – more like reading paper that reading a screen. I haven’t tried the latest Kindle HDX, so maybe they are better, but I tried reading a book on my husband’s iPad once on a trip and I couldn’t do it for long stretches like I can with my e-ink Kindle.
Not a lawyer, but the pdfs I need to read are often formatted into 2 or 3 columns, with tables or graphics interspersed – those don’t usually convert well to Kindle, and the font is too small on anything less than 8.5 x 11, so if I zoom in to read them I wind up having to scroll up and down, left and right while reading – its pretty annoying, and easy to lose my place.
I wish the “roll up” displays that e-ink was projecting 10-15 years ago would have happened, I would love a thin e-ink device that could hold all my pdfs but still store away small in my bag.
RLS
If you were volunteering a few hours a week to do something you enjoy, but one of the people that is ‘over’ you really irritates you, would you stick with it?
This lady asks the exact same questions every few months, doesn’t read my email responses to them, sticks her nose where she doesn’t know anything, and is accusatory when she perceives something is done incorrectly (every time she has been proven wrong, but it’s not because she’s unintelligent, it’s because she has no idea how to do the job I’m doing). It’s the accusatory behavior that really bothers me, especially since this volunteer position is somewhat like a treasurer: I don’t want to end up being accused of misconduct or something similar.
I don’t do well with micromanaging, and despite the fact that I really enjoy the work, I’m considering quitting. It will leave them in the lurch quite a bit, but I don’t see that as my problem if I give advance notice that I’ll be quitting on x date with enough notice for them to find a replacement.
la vie en bleu
isn’t there someone you can go to to deal with her? If you are a volunteer that shouldn’t be your job. but there should be a volunteer coordinator, or if you are on a board, a chair of the board. If you tell them you are thinking of leaving because she is making you crazy, they should talk to her and make her back off. If they are good at running the organization, they will prioritize keeping a good volunteer who is doing substantive work that is helping them. Or if it’s not so hierarchical, can you get one other person on your side and you both approach her and discuss her actions with her and help her understand why she is being counterproductive?
If I was thinking about leaving, I would take some steps to try to fix the problem first. As a volunteer coordinator I have had to ‘fire’ volunteers before, it isn’t fun, but it is sometimes necessary. Or just work on their behavior. That is an important part of the job.
If there is no system, or if that doesn’t work, I would probably quit, but find another similar organization to volunteer with. If I am working on something I enjoy, I want to do it! not let some annoying chick win by driving me away. ;oP
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s, but I am NOT a fan of distressed denim jean’s, especialy one’s that have tear’s near my tuchus. It onley highlights that my tuchus is big and is busteing through the jean’s! FOOEY! Also, if I EVER wore these into work, Frank would start stickeing his fingers into the holes and pokeing around. That is why I would not buy any jean’s with tear’s above the knee. He has a wife to stick his fingers into, but NOT me. DOUBEL FOOEY!
As for the OP, you must learn that not all people are as smart as we are. We are professional ladie’s and we have to deal with a lot of people who are NOT lawyers and doctors and MBA’s. Since you are VOLUNTEERING, you can however feel free to leave at any time if this busy body keep’s being a pain in your tuchus. You can also go to another agency to volunteer and PRAY she does NOT follow you.
Myrna is bringing a another guy over with her friend to meet me. Her friend is OK, but each guy she brings over just want’s to stare at me. I do NOT know what these guy’s are looking at (other then my boobie’s), but they do NOT really care about what I have to say. One guy just yessed me to death, but did NOT hear a word I said. He knew nothing about politic’s or the Clinton’s issue’s with their foundation. I want a guy who is SMART who will listen to me and be my intellectual EQUAL, not some doosh that just want’s me to take my pantie’s off so he can put his winkie in me. I am so done with that after Sheketovits! TRIPEL FOOEY!
Joan
It’s a shame that Alan was never able to impregnate you. If he did, you could have retired to a life of leisure at the Sheketovits compound (which I think abuts the Kennedy compound). FOOEY!
M-C
I’ve run into this a lot among nonprofits. People who’d never get hired in a management position enjoy lording it over people who actually know what they’re doing. For one of them, I’m being totally upfront “Zelda, I’m committed to this cause we’re jointly serving, but I can’t take your management style. Please remember this is a volunteer position, whose only possible attraction is decent working conditions. I understand you aren’t familiar with the work I do, but the accusatory tone you take when you want me to justify myself is not acceptable. So would you prefer to take the time to learn more about my part of the job, or to simply leave it be from now on? I’m happy to produce occasional reports, and/or explain things in writing for the board’s monthly meetings”.
For the other, I simply quit, and got onto the board of a further away organization, a bit less convenient but oh so much more pleasant. Life is too short to put up with jerks at work, much less on your own time :-).
The difference to me is that person #1 is a friend of sorts, I know she’s usually cranky but she’s not at heart a bad person, just needs a bit of firm behavior guidance. Person #2 is a true psychopath, who devotes her entire energy to power plays. I have known some of those before (recommendation: “Snakes in Suits”) and I think it’s well worth giving them the widest possible berth.
typical day
For those of you in BigLaw or other similarly demanding jobs, can you describe your typical schedule and when you fit in time (if you do) for exercise, cooking, anything? I’m also interested in when you wake up, go to bed, how long it takes to get ready, commute, etc. And any life hacks you have to make it all work. Thanks!
JJ
Was BigLaw for 6 years (between 2000 – 2100 hours per year), now in house. 2 kids in daycare, husband has an equally time-demanding job.
4:45 am: Wake up, change, and go to gym to workout.
6:30 (at the latest): Home from gym. Oldest toddler is likely awake and playing. Husband waking up about now. Husband and I take turns watching kids and showering. We get ready and the kids ready and everyone is out the door by 7:45, 8 at the latest.
5:15 pm: leave work to pick up kids from daycare. Husband leaves work between 5:30 and 6.
5:15 – 7:30ish: Give kids dinner, bathe them, put them to bed. Husband will take the later half of this and I’ll start cooking dinner for us. Dinner is usually something relatively easy: chicken and pasta with veggies, fajitas, grilled chicken and rice, etc.
8 – 9 pm: Chill out with husband and watch TV. We’re also usually checking phones and doing a little bit of work. Also doing dishes and any prep for the next day (packing daycare bags, etc.)
9 – 9:30 or 10: Get ready for bed. Respond to any outstanding work emails. Read. (When I was in BigLaw, this was much later and was usually an hour or two of work. If I was doing late night work, I wouldn’t work out in the mornings) Fall asleep. Husband usually works until 11:30 or so and then goes to bed.
We’ve hired a housekeeper and given up all semblance of fitting routine house cleaning into our schedule. Grocery store/dry cleaner/Target errands are always on weekends. Weekdays are triage and chaos.
ace
Current biglaw (usually 1950-2100 hours/year) and my schedule is pretty similar:
4:45 am: Wake up & go to exercise class 2-3x a week (still sleeping the other days)
6:30 am: Home from gym or getting up. Preschooler is awake with husband; toddler still asleep.
6:30-7:45 am: Husband and I alternate getting read and watching kiddo and picking up nanny (or arrival of grandparents); leave for train at 7:45
– Toddler wakes up around 8-8:30 a.m., after I’ve left
7:45-8:45 am: travel to office
5:30-6:30 pm: leave office, travel home (about an hour)
– Husband usually gets home around 6 pm (before me)
6:30-7:30 pm: arrive home, go straight into kids bedtime routine so that they can get to bed by 7:30-45.
7:30/45 p.m.: Prepare something quick and easy for dinner, spend time with husband, load dishwasher (luckily nanny does a lot of household chores so we don’t have to worry about laundry or much other cleaning during the week).
8:30 p.m.: start doing work if needed (usually 1-2 hours max.) or watch TV
10 p.m.: bed
Wordy
Best description ever: weekends are chaos/triage
Anonymous
I typically wake up between 8 and 9 and leave the house between 9 and 9:30. It takes me about 20 minutes to get to work, 30 minute if I stop for coffee, so I normally get in between 9:30 and 10. For lunch I either eat something I brought or run out to a cafeteria close to the office, so usually takes less than 15 minutes. I normally go home around 5-5:30 to walk my dog, and then I resume working from home. My evenings are usually some combination of working/watching TV/reading/wasting time on the internet/hanging out with my husband & dog. I usually go to bed between 11 pm and midnight. I never work out and I hardly ever cook, but it’s not because I literally don’t have time, it’s just because I don’t find these activities fun and relaxing and in my limited free time I want to do something I enjoy. (I’ve always hated working out and would probably not be able to bring myself to do it even if I were unemployed. I used to love cooking and think I would get back into it if I had a less demanding job). Of course there are days I stay at the office really late, like when I have a late filing, but on a normal day I leave early and then just work from home. I also usually work from home completely 1-2 days per week.
(Caveat: I used to put in much more hours at the actual office, and all the partners I work with are in different offices, so that’s how I can get away with so little facetime).
Yup
This is me, right down to the dog walk. I cook a little more and I like the occasional spin class, but not regimented and not all the time.
Except for the year when I billed 2500, and then I basically just slept whenever I wasn’t working.
anon
I’m a first year at a big law firm in a major east coast city. Thankfully my hours have not been super long or unpredictable (I’m basically staffed on one case that’s going to trial soon, so I have a reliable stream of work). Here’s a typical day:
6:15: wake up
6:30: work out (for 45 minutes-1 hour)
7:30: shower/get dressed/watch TV/put on make up
8:45: head to work, arrive by 9
Leave work anywhere from 6:30-7:30 (occasionally earlier, rarely later)
7:30-10:30: cook (sometimes), eat dinner, watch TV, do chores, get drinks with friends, etc.
I will usually go to work for 4-5 hours on a Saturday or Sunday (rarely both) because I prefer to do that vs. stay at work later in the evenings on week days. Of course, most people’s hours are more unpredictable/unsteady, so this might not work for them.
sweetknee
Sorry for the long reply.
I am a partner in a mid size firm in a mid size Southern city. I have two kids, ages 12 and 16, and my husband works for a state agency, with very regular hours. We do not have any outside household help. I suppose I am “lucky” that our city is a slower paced type of place, not like Big Law. My son rides the bus home and is by himself for about 2 hours until my husband gets home. My daughter usually has track practice after school and husband picks her up on his way home or she gets a ride with a friend.
I work out about 4 or 5 times per week. I get to the office about 8:15 in the morning after dropping daughter off at high school at 7:45. I have about a 30 minute commute. I pack my lunch, and work through the day, leaving about 5:45. I also pack a gym bag, and three nights per week, stop off at a kickboxing gym on the way home and do a 45 minute workout. I then also do a longer weightlifting type workout on Saturday mornings. My make ahead dinners are things that husband can get going while I am at the gym. When I get home, I spend some time helping with homework, straightening house, going through mail, etc. and then do an hour or two of “mindless” work (deposition outlines, etc). I go to bed around 11pm, and get up around 6. Husband goes to gym at 5 AM and gets back around 6:30.
I go the gym very early on Saturday morning and the rest of Saturday mornings are for soccer games and activities with our son. Saturday afternoons, I do laundry and clean house while husband either helps house clean ( in winter) or does yard work (in spring/summer). On Sundays, I do meal planning, grocery shopping and some cooking ahead for the week. Husband usually helps by cleaning up dishes as I go and making sure our youngest does his homework. I usually try to make one dish ahead ( baked spaghetti, chicken lasagna, etc) that can just be put in the oven on one night and get one or two other things ready for crock pot so that I just dump in the morning. Usually one night a week is “fend” with leftovers because of soccer and track practices/meets. I make most of those events, but sometimes we have to divide and conquer because daughter and son have events on the same night.
I also do some breakfast things ahead on Sundays. I will make a big batch of waffles and put them in the freezer for kids to toast/nuke in the morning, or a batch of breakfast burritos that can be heated up quickly. Sunday evenings, I do another 2-3 hours of office work from home.
I am lucky to have a spouse who can and does help, and I feel like I am always teetering on the brink of having it all fall apart. Some weeks, like when there is a trial, or when I have to travel for work, we just muddle through the best we can.
In terms of what I wish I did better, I wish I had a prettier yard and a cleaner house, and I wish I were better about giving my kids more of a religious foundation, but other than those things, I think I am hanging in there. It is definitely easier than when the kids were smaller. Looking back, I don’t know how I ever did it.
roses
My schedule varies a ton depending on what I’m working on (typically 9-12 hour days but sometimes it’s full of meetings starting in the morning and sometimes it’s just a lot of writing all day). So I’ve learned to basically only plan a day in advance when it comes to working out. If I think I might have a ton of work thrown at me during the day, or evening calls, I’ll work out in the morning before work (wake up 6 AM). If it’s just writing, I’ll work out during lunch or at 6 PM and then either go home and work more or shower and return to the office. I work out every day that I can possibly work out, so that if I get super busy I don’t feel guilty.
I make my lunch in the morning before work but make batches of stuff (quinoa, lentils, etc) on the weekends to use for lunches.
Anonforthewknd
Mine is not going to be helpful at all:
– 6:00ish a.m. – roll out of bed often hungover immediately check BB to see how quickly I needed to be in;
– 7:30/8:00 a.m. – roll into the office (10 min commute);
– anywhere from 6:00 p.m. – 2:00 a.m. depending on the day – leave work, go to the bar with fellow associates.
Occasionally I did something other than get drunk after work, but that was rare. Usually, I was cancelling dinner plans, cancelling appointments related to my hobbies, etc. It was NOT a good time in my life.
Clearly, that type of work did NOT agree with me. Left after two years and haven’t looked back.
TO Lawyer
I’m not biglaw but work fairly long hours in a small firm.
Wake-up between 7:30-8: shower, get ready, roll in to work usually sometime between 8:45-9:15. Luckily I can be pretty quick and have a short commute.
Usually work till about 7ish and work through lunch on a good day. On a busy day, I can work till midnight or so.
Leave around 7 on a good day, either go see my friends for a quick glass of wine after work so I’m home by 9 or so. Or go to the gym . Or once a week I’ll have plans with my boyfriend.
Sometimes I end up working at night but generally it’ll just be a couple documents or cases I need to read, nothing too intense most days. I usually work 4-6 hours on the weekend. I try to cook one meal during the weekend (it’s become Sunday night date night), and eat leftovers.
If I want to go to the gym, I can’t cook because it ends up being too late. I’ve accepted that.
August
6:45 AM: wake up
7:45 AM: leave the home for work
8:00 AM: At my desk
5:30 PM: Leave work
5:45 PM: Arrive at home
5:45 – 6:15: I just want to be lazy at this time. Drink milk, browse something etc
6:15 PM: Get ready to go for a walk
6:20 – 7:00PM: Go for a walk
7:00PM – 7:15 PM: Take shower
7:15PM to 8:00PM – Make phone calls (my mom, my sister etc)
8:00PM to 9:00PM: Have dinner, watch TV, chat with husband
9:00PM – 10:00PM: work…mostly answering emails or if I have to work with some one in another country or meetings etc. It can extend sometimes to 11:00 PM as well, but not everyday.
10:00PM to 11:00PM: read something/some more chatting with husband
I do grocery shopping, laundry, house cleaning, and most of the cooking and washing dishes on the weekend. I just heat the food or mix salads or make omelettes etc during weekday dinner which takes 15 min max. I have no kids and I don’t have domestic help.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m at a large regional firm where hours aren’t quite as insane as BigLaw, but end up billing ~2000/year. We have a nonbillable requirement as well, but the exact numbers would probably immediately out the firm I’m at.
7:30-8ish-wake up, get ready
9:15-9:30ish-get to work
6-7:30, depending on what’s going on-leave work
when I get home-12, 12:30ish–get home, eat something (rarely cook, or if I do, it’s something easy, like the PF Chang’s frozen dinner for 2), maybe go on a walk if the weather’s nice and BF and I are both home on the early side, play with kittens, pretend I’m going to go to the gym but never really do, end up watching TV or browsing the Internet most of the evening, tell myself I’m going to shower and go to bed by 11, 11:30 tops, get sucked into interesting article and instead fail to go to sleep before midnight.
I run errands/clean/go horseback riding (my major hobby) on the weekends. If it’s particularly busy time at work I’ll work some on the weekends. I also travel for work during the week a lot. I am not a good example of time management of my free time.
CPA Lady
Baby wakes up somewhere between 5-6am – I get up and feed her, make myself a smoothie. If she wakes up early enough I take a shower in the morning, otherwise I shower at night.
7:15 am- out the door, 10 minute drive to daycare, spend about 10 minutes unloading her, getting her settled in
7:45-8:00 am- work, about 10 minute drive from daycare
4:30 pm- leave work if its not tax season
9:00 pm – leave work if it is tax season (feb-mid april, aug-mid October)
If it’s not tax season, I spend the evening playing with my daughter, hanging out with husband on nights he doesn’t work, going on a walk around our neighborhood, etc. I go to bed EARLY- like 8pm. Babies are the most persistent alarm clocks.
If it is tax season, I put on my pajamas, drink a glass of wine while messing around online, read in bed for 10 minutes, and go to sleep/ stress-insomnia. I go to bed around 10 pm, sometimes later, though I really regret it the next day.
I don’t work out, I don’t meal plan, and I don’t cook, though I’m trying to learn how to cook now that I’m not just fending for myself at night. Before I got pregnant, I did hot yoga 3x a week when it wasn’t tax season. I’d like to get back into doing that, but I’m waiting for a groupon.
As far as I can tell, there are no hacks– it’s just me letting a lot of things go completely for 5 months out of the year and trying to make up for it the other 7. When I’m at work 13 hours a day and I work 8 hours Saturdays and at least a few hours on Sunday, I do basically nothing else whatsoever. When I am at home I am not going to do a single “useful” thing. I don’t clean the house, I barely do laundry. I eat frozen pizza on the rare nights I’m home in time for dinner. Its gross. There is a lot more I wish I could do, but I’m giving myself a break, because this kind of lifestyle is HARD.
Anonymous
5:45-6:00 wake up (depends whether I have to wash my hair; I wash my hair every 3 days or so and use dry shampoo the rest of the time); I drink a smoothie while putting my makeup on to save the 10 minutes it would otherwise take to eat breakfast.
7-7:15 out the door; 7:30/7:45 in the office depending on traffic (low commute time is essential to me)
I bring lunch from home or grab a quick salad to-go and eat at my desk while working.
6:15-6:30 I try to leave work if at all possible.
7-8:15/8:30 spin class or yoga class. Buying a package at a studio makes me go a lot more frequently. If I leave work late and can’t make the last class, I will go for a run or walk the dogs and do lunges/push-ups/etc. at home.
8:30-9/9:15 make dinner and eat. I choose things that take 15-20 minutes to make, maximum (quesadillas loaded with veggies, scrambled eggs loaded with veggies, a wrap, a pre-made meal that I just have to heat up). Sometimes my husband will make dinner, or one of us will get some take-out. I may spend another hour or so working if I have to, but I try and be in bed by 10/10:30 p.m.
Other things that help: I can spend FOREVER getting dressed, so I adopted a uniform. I wear a white blouse and black pants/skirt 3-4 days a week. I have about 15 different white blouses and several styles of black bottoms, but 90% of them work together. Black or nude pumps. And I’ll throw on one of 4 nice necklaces that I have.
Anon
5:30: wake up, shower, get ready and husband gets up with toddler usually by 6:15, we trade off with toddler as we pack lunches, eat breakfast, and drink coffee
7: Leave for work, drop off at daycare
7:45-8: Arrive at work
4:45: Leave work, pickup at daycare
5:45: Home, dinner, play with toddler until bedtime at 7-7:30
7:30+: Work 1-2 hours and/or try to keep up with minimal chores, like mail, laundry, or banking.
We cook healthy dinners. Husband gets home 30 minutes before me and starts dinner, often it is ready when I get home. I grocery shop and meal plan on weekends, often spend 1-2 hours of meal prep on Sundays. DH cleans on weekends. Sometimes, I will meal prep on weeknights if it’s a light week at work. No outside help with cleaning, cooking. I usually go to the gym once/week, usually on Saturday or Sunday. I am super impressed with the people getting up before 5 a.m. to exercise.
Lifehacks: I can’t think of one. I would say prioritize what’s most important and do your best to find time for it. I tend to prioritize time with my LO and good, healthy food over exercise because I can’t do it all.
cbackson
Hm. There’s a ton of variation for me. Here’s a desirable day:
-6:30 AM. Repeatedly smack snooze button.
-7:00. Actually out of bed and dressed
-7:00-8:15. Work out
-8:15-9:00. Shower, get dressed, do make-up.
-At work by 9:10 or so (I walk)
-7:00-7:30. Leave work.
-7:30-8:30. Make dinner (if no event).
I usually have some kind of post-work event – tennis matches or practice, a networking event, a board meeting, a charity event – 2/3 nights per week. I try to be home/done with that by 9:30 PM so I can eat dinner and get back to work.
9:30 – on. Work. I try to be done/in bed by midnight.
If I have a ton to do, however, I’ll go to bed at 10 PM and get up at 3 AM to do 3-4 hours of work before the day starts.
My biggest life hacks:
– on Sundays, I plan everything that I’ll wear during the work week, including daily work clothes, exercise clothes, and any outfits for events. I make sure everything is clean/ready/findable before the week starts.
-I eat a grilled chicken salad from my work cafeteria daily, so I don’t have to worry about lunch, and I make the same 3-4 things for dinner on weeknights so that grocery shopping doesn’t require a ton of brainpower. I don’t eat breakfast (not a hack, just a preference).
Anonymous
Fourth-year associate at a mid-sized firm.
When work is slow (~2 weeks a month… bill 5ish hours a day):
7:30 – Shower, get back in bed and surf the internet
9:00 – Get up, get dressed, get ready (hair is already dry)
9:15 – Walk to work
9:40 – Arrive at work and eat breakfast while checking my emails
12:00 – Lunch with coworkers
1:30 – Get back to work
5:30 – Walk home [or go out for drinks with coworkers]
6:00 – Start cooking dinner
7:00 – Work on the couch
9:00 – Go for a run or, if I ran the day before, watch TV while surfing the internet or bake something
10:30 – Bed
When work is busy (~1 week a month… bill 10ish hours a day):
7:00 – Shower and get ready
7:35 – Walk to work
8:00 – Start working, eat breakfast at desk
12:00 – Grab a sandwich
12:45 – Back to work
7:00 – Walk home
7:30 – Heat something up
8:00 – Work on the couch
11:00 – Bed
When work is crazy (~1 week a month… bill 15ish hours a day):
9:35 – Get up and get ready
9:55 – Drive to work
10:00 – Start working, eat breakfast at desk
7:00 – Drive home
7:05 – Inhale all the food in sight
7:30 – Work on the couch
3:00 to 6:00 AM – Shower and fall into bed
My husband works 9 to 5 and does all the dishes/laundry/yardwork. We pay for dogwalkers to take our dogs on an hour-long walk every weekday afternoon. We clean on weekends, and I always go for a long run on Saturdays. I usually bill 10-20 hours a few weekends a month (which brings me up to about 2200 hours a year). Despite the very pleasant pace at which I live my life half the time, I feel like the crazy days are slowly becoming more and more physically unsustainable. I have no kids, or non-work friends.
Anonymous
5:30am – wake up/clothes ironed on weekend/pre-packed lunch into bag (give thanks if it’s not the approx 1 in 10 days I have a meeting starting at 5am – I practice in a 24 hour industry)
6:30am – commute
7am – standing senior staff meeting
4pm- leave work and do pickups on the days we have my step kids.
5-7pm – kid evening routine- DH covers mornings, I do evenings/early drinks with friends/run/personal appointments
7-9pm – both DH and I work
9-10ish – something fun – reading/hobbies/catching up on our days
Weekends – totally outsource all cleaning incl. laundry. Pay someone to prep everyone’s lunches for the week and make sure the ingredients for simple dinners are there. We fight really hard for there to be no work between 9pm Friday and 12pm Sunday unless it’s an emergency.
Pros are that economic security lets us do this with a measure of calm others don’t have the luxury of. Also, both our parents are ridiculously supportive.
Cons are that there is only so much you can keep in your head and do at one time so we try to keep the kids on track with dentist visits etc but for us, scheduling healthcare tends to be more reactive (aside from a yearly marathon appt in my case). Also some of the longer term financial planning that requires advisors etc has fallen by the wayside. I think in 7 years when the bulk of the kids are old enough to be a bit independent we’ll have time to get this back on track but for now we have found a way to enjoy each other, the kids and our jobs without feeling like we are one step from collapse so I’m going to run with that.
Pat
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!! I just want to give a standing ovation to all of you ladies who do all of the things you do each day. Women really are magicians, especially those with kids. That’s why we’re called Wonderful Women.
I have a similar schedule but my day tends to start later and end later as well. Sometimes I sit there and ponder if this is worth it. Did I create my own hell? Why must I work so hard and leave my kids to the care of others. Why don’t I just wake up, take them to school, spend time with them after school, cook and put them to bed and do all of these things, leisurely. Do I need all the money from work? Would my family be just as happy (if not more) if we scaled back on work, made less money but had more time to spend with each other? I love my job but I love my family more and time is so precious.
Late at night when the kids go to bed and I’m transitioning into work mode, I watch this guy on Youtube travel all over SE Asia. He doesn’t make a lot of money but enough for himself and his family. He sometimes travels alone or with a few friends. They stay in lower-end motels and eat street food. He sees so much more of the world then I ever would. He probably makes 1/10 or 1/20 of what I make but he somehow has more than me. People comment on his channel with things like “wow, you are living life to the fullest” “I’m so jealous, I wish I can do the same” or “you’re so lucky”. I would never leave my husband and family to do those adventures but wish my family and I can enjoy life that this guy online. I ask myself “why can’t I be like him”and the answer is “I don’t know why.”
Anonymous
Hang in there! If you think there are things you want to change and you are in a position to make those changes, do it. If it’s just a phase, know that everyone goes through it and be kind to yourself.
Anonymous
It sounds like things are a bit tough right now. The fact that you are thinking about all those things suggests you are a great mom/person. Good luck figuring it all through, I think it’s ok to say we had a plan that was working for us but isn’t anymore. If you do want to continue the long days try to be kind to yourself, I have to remember that in reality I can have kid time or exercise time or friend time or haircut/doc/dentist and still feel reasonably sane, not all of it.
Anonymous
Small law, but I’ll play.
5:30am: wake up, dishes, pick stuff up, make daughter’s lunch, drink coffee, dishes, laundry
6:30am: 3 oldest kids wake up, get them breakfast and drinks
6:40am: shower, brush teeth, get dressed, blow dry hair (sometimes)
7:15am: pack back packs, daycare bags, work bag, etc.
7:30am: get kids dressed and in car. 3 drop offs for four kids.
8:00am: make a protein shake for breakfast
8:10am: head to the train, take train– do make up on the train
9:00am: at my desk
–grab a salad and work through lunch; do some online shopping at work
slow days I leave at 4:30 or 5. If I have a brief or something due, I work until whenever I need to, whether it is 7 or midnight
assuming an early day:
6:00pm: home with kids; help with cleaning up their dinner; drink a smoothie for dinner; kids’ homework; reading; baths; bottles; diapers; jammies; bed
8:00pm: go to yoga or other work out
9:15pm: home, dishes, put stuff away, laundry, talk to husband
10:00pm: bed
I should add, I have four kids under the age of 7. We have a housekeeper who comes once a week and cleans the entire house. My husband does grocery shopping, most dinners, and all lawn stuff. Weekends are spent at sports, birthday parties, working out, spending time with kids, getting hair/nails done, etc.
Cream Tea
Observation: no one seems to have time for $ex. Does anyone make time for it? Is it in there but just not mentioned? Just curious.
Yup
It’s absolutely in there and not mentioned.
Cream Tea
What a relief.
Trish
We literally make appointments.
Personality Adjustment
I recently heard a co-worker describe me to another co-worker as “confrontational.” I generally tend to have opinions about things and share those opinions – sometimes when asked, sometimes when not asked. I don’t consider disagreement, in itself, as a form of rudeness.
I’m starting to wonder if in this situation, I am the problem, and need to work on certain aspects of my personality. But I’m also wondering if perhaps this is somehow gendered, and relateable to the ways that women assert themselves in the workplace.
Would love your thoughts.
Mpls
I would see this as a difference in communication styles (which, could be gendered itself, I guess).
I, personally, would be put off by someone giving me unsolicited opinions, or jumping into a debate on something when that wasn’t what the conversation called for at the time.
I agree that disagreement isn’t by itself a bad thing, but an opinion stated as a fact (“You are wrong because XYZ”) can feel confrontational when an opinion stated as a suggestion or a collaboration (“Have you considered XYZ?”) can get the same information across without putting someone else’s back up.
Former Partner, Now In-House
I agree with Mpls’s fix. I have implemented it, and it seems to work. However, as a woman who looked even younger than I was for the first decade + of my career, when I was trying hi-tech and IP cases all around the country and all of my clients, opposing counsel, opposing parties, witnesses etc were male, I learned to be a highly straightforward communicator. Otherwise I would get railroaded, and my client’s position would suffer. I never thought twice about communicating so directly, and I never cared or thought twice about being treated the same way, so it was aggravating to have to “flex my style” the way Mpls suggests because it seemed as if I was being wishy-washy and inviting people to railroad me.
Asideralis
Oooh, did you enjoy the hi-tech and IP law? It’s something that I often considering doing after a few years as an engineer. I just don’t know if it’s enjoyable work or worth the transition.
Anita
double post
Anita
Things to ask yourself:
1. Do you interrupt others to express your disagreement?
2. Do you insert yourself into conversations that don’t directly involve you?
3. How often do you find yourself disagreeing with your colleagues?
4. Do you try to frame your position in a positive light? or
5. Do you tend to point out flaws in other people’s thoughts/ideas without suggesting solutions?
ss
All good questions.
Here’s another : how often are you conscious of exercising judgement to back away from debating differences in opinion, or to let a point go without volunteering your counter-point ? How often when the discussion is among peers ? More or less often than with bosses or clients ?
If the answer is ‘not often wth peers’ and/ or ‘more often with bosses’, you may need to exercise the judgement muscle a little more.
CPA Lady
I have a friend who has a communication style that I would describe as confrontational. I don’t think she realizes it. I think she just thinks that she is right about everything, knows more about everything than a lot of people, and feels like it is her job to educate them even if they didn’t ask for her input. It has a very know-it-all tone. She genuinely is clueless about how she comes across to people, though.
Maybe just spend some time observing what you say and how you say it. It may be that your coworker is overly sensitive, or it may be that you could make a few tweaks to your communication style and come across as less confrontational.
August
It depends on how strong you feel about your opinions and to what extent you go to prove your opinions are correct without much data (opinionated?) when opinions are unsolicited. Also, if your opinions are just your gut feelings or is there data to back to it up? If some one gives me unsolicited opinions, without having any data to show why they think they are correct, not have the courtesy to at least listen to what I have to say and insist on doing something their way, I would just be looking for ways to cut the conversation. If it happens multiple times, I would try my best to not give a chance to the person to state his/her opinions. This happens in both personal and professional life.
EduNerd
Shopping, anyone? I think I’m looking for a unicorn: loafers, preferably in a light color (cream, tan, blush, etc.), that I can wear with jeans on the weekend or to work with skinny ankle pants and a blazer. I want soft edges – nothing patent leather or too angular. Almost more like those driving moccasins, if you’ve seen those, but they probably need to be a little dressier for work. (The soles on driving moccasins always look so casual…)
Any ideas? Or confirmation that these are unicorns and I really need 2 different pairs, one for work and one casual?
MNF
If you don’t find your unicorn. I really like the Bass Missy drivers, they’re comfortable and a good value for the price. I have two pair. (I suggest them for your casual pair, if you have to get two).
ETA – Also, Bass shoes are always on sale – so just wait a few days for a good price!
EEK
How about these from everlane?
https://www.everlane.com/collections/womens-shoes/products/womens-modern-loafer-olive
Sacha
Enzo Elderflower or Mercanti Fiorentini Dylan
I have and like both. Not sure whether the Enzos come in the right color, though.
APA
I love the cole haan drivers http://www.colehaan.com/womens-drivers
The leather ones would be dressy enough for my office but not sure about your work place.
Anon
http://www.zappos.com/the-flexx-o-rise-corda-panna-nubuck-mix
These look comfy. Though I do think driving moccasins are fine for business casual. Everyone at my office has those Cole Haan loafers that look like that.
EduNerd
Thanks all who’ve commented so far! I can’t wait to look more at these when I’m at home, and really appreciate it.
More suggestions totally welcome and encouraged – just wanted to thank those who’ve posted already!
lsw
I literally just bought these from Nordstrom a while ago – Munro “Kimi” loafer. Full disclosure, the first pair I ordered developed a hole in the seam on the first day. I exchanged them and the second pair is fine. Super soft, super cute!
ETA apparently they are sold out of the brown I got (I think it was called “luggage”) – perhaps it’s available elsewhere?
Apples
When I see shoes called drivers I always wonder – are there people who keep a change of shoes in their car and change into them every time they drive?
tesyaa
I wear polo shirts, but I don’t think I’ve ever played polo.
la vie en bleu
My favorite thing about this is that you ‘don’t think’ you’ve ever played polo. Like, is it possible you did but just don’t remember or something. I don’t know why, but that is cracking me up right now. ;o)
Apples
Somehow I knew this would draw unnecessary sarcasm.
la vie en bleu
I don’t think she’s being that sarcastic. It seems like a relevant observation to me.
anon
I used to work with a lady who always took her shoes off to drive, because she didn’t want to scuff them. She did buy really gorgeous heels.
Anon
I take my shoes off to drive when I am wearing heels, just because it is easier for me to drive with them off.
Anonymous
I take my shoes off unless they are knee high boots or tennis shoes where it would be an ordeal to get them off. Sandals, flats, heels, etc. all come off. It just feels more comfortable and like I have better control when driving barefoot. I live in a crazy driver city with people randomly slamming on the brakes to veer across 5 lanes to exit (apparently “take the next one and turn around” is too much to ask of our self-absorbed culture) and people cutting you off all the time, so I need a quick brake reaction time.
Monte
When I commuted by car, I always drove in different shoes than I walked around in. Not driving moccasins, but absolutely kept a change of shoes in my car.
anon
splurge and get a pair of Todds
anonymous
What about Naturalizer Gisella? I have the turquoise ones and love them. They come in ivory. I got a half size up, though.
espresso bean
What about the M. Gemi Pastoso or Felize? Beautiful shoes, if you don’t mind spending a bit more (I have no experience with the brand; I just keep seeing it everywhere!).
Anonymous
I’m not normally a huge fan of Sperry’s but they have some cute driving shoes. I like the perforation thing on the front of these: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IKH62NE/ref=asc_df_B00IKH62NE3661007?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&linkCode=df0&creative=395093&creativeASIN=B00IKH62NE&tag=wwwshopstylec-20&ascsubtag=1442604571
EduNerd
You guys are seriously the best. I can’t decide, so I just sent my mom ~8 pairs to help me narrow it down. Because as much as I want to order all of them at once to try, that’s probably a bad idea…
Snickety
Why not? That’s what Zappos is for!
EduNerd
Because it’s expensive to charge my credit card for 8 pairs at once. But still tempting.
AN
tod’s. Expensive, but will last forever.
CeCe
Seeking input regarding family size. Thank you to everyone who responded to my question on the early Friday post. I want to pose phrase my inquiry differently here: How did you (or will you) decide on family size when there is disagreement between spouses? Has anyone had fewer children than one wanted and later regretted this decision? Please also share your insights on the advantages of ONE or TWO kids, particularly as they get older.
Quick summary of our situation: My husband and I currently have a 2 year old daughter and are at a crossroads as to whether we have another child. I am fully in the YES camp and would like to soon given my age (35). My husband is adamantly opposed and already seems quite stressed balancing our daughter with work (medicine) and his hobbies. He is not very into “family time,” preferring solo activities but is otherwise a loving father and supportive partner. We both have demanding careers but mine is more flexible. He has refused couples counseling. I believe I can convince him to go for #2, but at what cost to his happiness? Will he come around? Should I be happy with one? There is no way to compromise. It feels like one of us will either be “selfish” or a “martyr.” Thank you for your insights.
Anonforthis
I posted earlier in response to Tessyas comment. This is such a tough question and specific to each couple. We had loosely agreed on 2-3 children before marriage, we have 2 fantastic children. I want a 3rd and he doesn’t really. He tends to be slow in making decisions, and we communicate well and, when we do disagree, it’s respectful. Given that, I deferred talking about it, because he wasn’t sure/ wasn’t ready to decide. I’d bring it up every 6 months or so, and we’d have long discussions about it with no conclusions. He would first say he’s concerned about our finances, and I’d pull everything together and we’d analyze them together and they are ok. Next he was worried about house space, or middle child syndrome, or this and that. And as the clock ticks, now one of the reasons he doesn’t want to try is my advanced age (almost 42). It has become a huge corrosive issue. I am furious and feel like he dithered and led me along until the bell rang. I feel strongly that we should have a third, I have felt this way consistently for ten years; I have used all my analytical and pursuasive skills to get him on board, and he just isn’t there. It is anguishing for both of us. I am heartbroken and exhausted. I have been startled at how sad I feel not to be on the same page about this, when we have been such a good team. We share the same worldview, we have so much fun together, we disagree maybe 2-3 times per year. Part of it was his pushing off the discussion, and my agreeing to set it aside for longer than I wanted. This is not like other major decisions that couples make, like where to live or what house to buy. It is visceral and intensely private an, like you said, absolute: you can’t have a half-child. One of you gets what you want and the other one doesn’t. There is no other resolution. Two pieces of advice for you: 1. resolve it NOW, and not when you are 41 (old and angry); and 2. Do what you can to keep your physical relationship unfraught. Good luck; I really earnestly wish you luck. (And if anyone has helpful advice for me, I’d love to hear it.)
Wildkitten
I had a fairly traumatic childhood and having a sibling was essential to me. I don’t plan on raising kids in the same crappy situation, but I still feel very strongly that kids need a sibling. I realize my viewpoint is extremely biased but I still feel very strongly about it. I don’t have input on the conflict part – I’m not there yet but don’t anticipate any conflict since I told my SO this on like date 3. My heart goes out to you.
I don’t understand why he refuses couples counseling, but again, I’m biased.
Anon for this
This is all situational. Children who have wonderful relationships with their siblings will grow up into people who think it’s great to give your child a sibling. There are some of us who have the opposite experience: siblings who bring heartache, worry, anxiety, anger, hurt, and everything in between. I love my sibling, but she makes my life hell sometimes. I would never wish for her not to exist, but I would also say that not every kid needs a sibling.
I plan on having one, see how it goes, and decide on whether I want a second. I guess my thought is that there is no right answer. My relationship with my partner is extremely important to me, and I would never make a decision that could seriously undermine my romantic relationship in favor of some blanket rule that 2 is better than 1.
Wildkitten
TOTALLY. My opinion is not a good universal rule or remotely rational. I didn’t express that part strongly enough. I am not saying that my opinion is the right answer for other people. I am just so irrationally attached to it that it is the right answer for me.
InfoGeek
We have only 1 child. She’s in college.
Before we got married, we both wanted 2 kids. We both have a single sibling, so we came from families where 2 kids is the norm.
When baby #1 was young, we moved somewhere where several of my friends had more than 2 kids. I love babies and started talking about having more than 2. Eventually, my husband conceded that 3 would be acceptable.
Baby #2 died in utero. I was pretty traumatized for a while. We agreed to wait a year before trying again. Another pregnancy never seemed to happen and eventually we decided that the timing was no longer right (age spread would be so large and cause difficulties for the family schedule) and we wouldn’t try anymore.
So, our daughter has spent her whole life as an only child. It’s worked out fine for her for the most part. There were times where with 2 adults and 1 child we STILL had trouble scheduling it so an adult could be available to get her where she needed to go (and she wasn’t an overly scheduled child — she took ballet 2-3x a week, and did some occasional Saturday morning activities, as well as school and Sunday church stuff).
So, having an only child doesn’t mean the child will grow up spoiled or won’t know how to share. It’s not a guarantee that the child will be lonely. She’s had several good close friends along the way and liked her down time at home.
Anonymous
Agree- I’m an only and I think a number of my strengths developed from being an only.
Anonymous
Yes, I hate the societal stereotype that only children are spoiled or don’t know how to share or stuff like that. The child’s nature and the way they were parented has so much more to do with it. If a couple wants two or more kids, they should have two or more kids, but I’ve heard so many people say “I have to have a second kid to make my first kid turn out ok.” and that is just so wrong (and also pretty rude when said to someone who is an only child).
Anonymous
I can’t help you with making this decision, but I have been in exactly this position and I can tell you how it worked out. We have a son, now 3 1/2, and my husband wanted to stick with one. I adamantly wanted a second. I “won,” he agreed, and Baby 2 is a year old. She is the absolute light of her dad’s life. He recently said to me while watching the two of them play together, “ok, you were right, you HAVE to have a second.” And my husband is not one to say the words “you were right” very often, so that was really something.
Just one family’s experience.
DC Anon
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think you’ll be better off respecting your husband’s desire to not have another child. It makes most sense for the spouse who doesn’t want another child to get the final say. Parenting another child is a HUGE commitment, and you can’t blame your spouse for not being on board, even if they previously said they were up for it. I get to that conclusion by thinking through the worst case scenario of each decision. Worst case scenario of you and your husband having a child that he doesn’t really want to have — he is unhappy and the child has a checked-out father. I doubt you (or the child) would be particularly happy in that scenario. Worst case scenario of you and your husband not having a second child — you wish you had a second child. I mean, do you really want a second child at the cost of having your husband be a reluctant parent? I’ve seen this play out before with a couple friends and it’s ended poorly both times.
I don’t know if you’re doing this already, but it sounds like it would make sense to pursue individual therapy, where you try to unpack why you feel so strongly about needing a second child that you’re willing to potentially blow up your marriage. If there’s a need that you think a second child will fill, it will be useful to figure out what is driving that need and then think of alternate ways to address it.
Blonde Lawyer
+1.
M-C
Or even at the cost of being a single mother of two? Children are not something you can impose on someone..
I’d also like to point out that while it seems superficially that there’d be an economy of scale, and that 2 kids would be about as much work as 1.75, in fact they’re exponentially more work. I’ve seen committed people break down under the extra load, when all you can do when you’re at the end of your rope is to exchange which kid you’re taking care of. This is no fun…
Anonymama
I agree with this. Have 2 kids and faced the same dilemma, and reached same conclusion, when deciding on a third.
ALN
I’m an only child and I absolutely want 2 or maybe even 3 kids (my SO and I are having on going decisions about this). I always felt like I missed out on something. My mom has three siblings and just seeing her with them gives me a pang of jealousy that I will never experience that bond.
From my mom’s point of view, she told me that she felt that she didn’t have enough energy, time, or love for a second child. I think that’s a valid reason to stop at one, and I’m glad she did what was right for her, even if I feel that I’ve missed out. If the alternative to being an only means having one parent who is completely burned out, I think I’m happy with having my two fully attentive and loving parents. I’ve never asked my dad how he feels about it, but I think that given his strained relationship with his siblings, he probably doesn’t think I’m missing anything special.
Wildkitten
I also think that cousins can be pretty great too – if you stick to one with kids but have cousins in the same age range they can provide a lot of the benefits with less of the burdens.
Anonymous
I don’t have kids yet. But I want 1 and my husband (if it were totally up to him) wants 2. There are many reasons I only want 1 (full disclosure: I’m an only and I LOVED it; literally have never for a single second wanted a sibling, though I do see how that might change when I have aging parents to deal with), but the main one is that I want to spend a fair amount of time with my kid when s/he’s young, even potentially taking a year or two off work completely, and unless our two were super close in age (which neither of us wants), that would really significantly extend my “break” from my career. I think it might be a lot harder to come back from a 4-5 year break than from a 2 year break. We talked openly before we got married and my husband understands all the reasons I only want 1 (and that ultimately a second is a much bigger sacrifice for me than him) and is ok with it, even though he’d happily have 2 if I were up for it. And I might change my mind and want 2, who knows.
I agree with other comments that ultimately, the parent who doesn’t want an additional kid should get the final say. You may have a strong yearning for a second (which I understand), but I think ultimately you will do so much harm to your existing family (all 3 of you), if you leave an otherwise good marriage over this, or if you bring a child into the world with a parent who does not really want a child at that point. The kid may become the light of dad’s life but is it worth the risk that s/he doesn’t? That will do sooo much damage to the kid.
Snickety
I have two, now 10 and 14. My spouse and I were in agreement about having two. We have a great family and I’ve never looked back. However, having more than one child was a bigger adjustment than I anticipated. The time I had available for my first child was suddenly divided in half (not really, but it felt that way) when the second arrived. It’s still hard to give them both the time they need. Just something to think about.
Anonymous
I’m not sure if worry that your daughter will grow up being sad she doesn’t have a sibling is part of why you want a second, but in my, admittedly anecdotal, experience, it depends far more on the attitudes of the parents and many only kids are very happy and never want a sibling. I’m an only and so are 3 of my closest friends (perhaps we gravitate towards each other). For 3 out of the 4 of us, our parents were “one and done” and conveyed that to us, either explicitly or implicitly, and all of us were basically happy growing up sibling-less. The fourth friend’s parents desperately wanted another kid and couldn’t conceive, and she grew up crying herself to sleep at night wishing for a sibling and even as an adult is incredibly traumatized by the fact that she’s an only. So I think whatever you ultimately decide, conveying to your kid(s) that you made the correct decision and don’t regret it at all is important.
CountC
Questions, as I am not married but have had the do you want to have kids and how many discussions with just about everyone I’ve dated:
(1) How many folks discussed this and came to an agreement prior to getting married? (Or didn’t discuss it.)
(2) If you did discuss and agree prior to marriage, did one person’s wants change over time?
Poorly worded with only one cup of coffee but hopefully you get the idea.
Sydney Bristow
I’m on the opposite end and have never wanted children. It was really a non-negotiable thing for me. My fiancé and I discussed it on our very first date. He’s never wanted kids either so it was an easy discussion.
My plan was to discuss it with anyone I foresaw having more than a few dates with.
I think it would be significantly harder to come to a decision on how many kids to have because it’s not such a black and white decision.
three kids
We did discuss it before marriage. I always said I wanted 2 or 3 and my husband always said he wanted 2. I do think it’s an important discussion to have before getting to marriage with someone. I didn’t feel strongly about 3 over 2, so we were comfortable that we were on the same page.
We didn’t really change our minds over time. We had our first, and then our second. We did change our timeline slightly for the second, as neither one of us felt ready as soon after the first as we had planned. And then we were done and we were both ok with that. I was a little sad that I wouldn’t have the pregnancy and baby experience again, but also not sure we could handle a third with our demanding jobs. And then we found out we were expecting again! It was a complete surprise to us both. We’ve found adding a third child into our lives much harder than adding the second had been, but a delightful addition regardless and while life is crazy, it works.
For the OP above, one thing I would consider that I don’t think anyone has mentioned is the personality of your first child. At only two, it may be a bit hard to tell yet, but do you have a sense of whether your first would be happier with or without a sibling? My oldest was three when the second was born and said she wanted a sibling. She was great with the baby early on. However, we went through a rough couple of years when she really resented her siblings. It’s better now, but nowing her personality better now that’s she older, I think she would have been happiest as an only child. I wouldn’t encourage someone to make a decision on the basis of the first child’s personality where they’re certain they want more and the spouse agrees, but in a situation where there’s uncertainty and/or conflict, it might be another factor to consider.
Last comment – what about your personality and your spouse’s? Are you introverts or extroverts? I am an introvert and it is sometimes a challenge balancing my need for quiet time with my kids’ need for attention. I know I get overwhelmed by their demands more easily then some of my more extroverted friends do with their kids. I have to be deliberate about not getting grumpy when they’re particularly clingy or demanding, and it can be exhausting for me. I love my kids and I wouldn’t change a thing! But if you’re thinking through what another child would require, don’t forget to take into account that it’s not just the time it takes to care for another child, it’s also how much of your personal energy it takes, and that it different for everyone.
Anon
We discussed it before marriage. Husband wanted 4 because he came from a large family, I thought I wanted 2 because “it is bad to have an only,” so we agreed on 3. Over the years he decided that maybe 2 wouldn’t be so bad. Then we actually had a child and I realized that I had never really wanted more than one, and couldn’t handle more than one unless I quit working, which was not something either of us wanted to happen. My husband still held out hope for another for several years, even after we got rid of all our baby gear. He has come to terms with the fact that it will never happen and agrees that it’s right for us given the life we have chosen to live plus some factors that are out of our control, but I still catch him looking wistfully at babies in restaurants. Bottom line: you can’t really know how many kids you want until you actually have one. I think it is really a series of separate decisions: should we have a first child? Now that we have one, should we have another? Etc.
Asideralis
My husband and I married 5 years ago agreeing to having 4 kids and me being a stay-at-home mother. 3 years later, I asked him what he thought about not having children, and now I am heavily invested in my career and can’t imagine having kids.
We both grew up in large families and were fairly enamored with the idea of having children, but grew out of it. We’re in our late 20’s now, and may end up changing our minds in our late 30’s, but who knows? All we can do is communicate our desires, and I will fully admit to being very uncomfortable around children and irked by parents who allow their kids rambunctiously loose on the world. If I ever did want kids, I would expect my husband to be the stay-at-home father, or hire a nanny and have us both work.
But, I like being able to afford what I want and dote upon my dogs.
CeCe
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your thoughtful comments and insights on this struggle about family size. Great suggestions that gave me helpful things to think about.
Kelly Andthenblog
These are somewhere between penny loafers and driving mocs: http://www.6pm.com/cole-haan-dakota-loafer-maple-sugar-suede-maple-sugar-snake-print
and these look beautiful and comfortable! http://www.6pm.com/geox-d-charlene-penny-med-beige
tesyaa
From the point of view of her kids’ feelings, it was probably wrong for Michelle Obama to refer to one of them as a “grumpy cat”, but as a parent of four teenagers, I get where she’s coming from…
Wordy
I thought it was hilarious. My 14 year old daughter is so awful to me. I would be happy with grumpy — usually, she’s outright mean!
Emmabean
Either I need to get my eyes checked, or this model’s thigh gap is off kilter!
Mpls
Either I need to get my eyes checked, or this model’s thigh gap is off kilter!
NYNY
Photoshop. Always photoshop.
Notice how the left leg (on the right of the picture) is smaller all over than the right? Do retailers think we wouldn’t buy clothes if we saw them on real bodies?
Anonymous
NO. She is not standing perfectly straight and that’s exactly why her thighs look like that. Just because she is thin doesn’t mean she is not real or her body is somehow not real. So narrow-minded.
Snacks!
I’m having 3-6 friends over this weekend to watch some sports. Any ideas for what munchies to serve? I’m thinking some homemade guac, salsa and chips, but would like to round it out with something a bit more substantial. TIA!
Anon
Buffalo chicken dip. You’ve already got carbs (chips), fat (guac), and spicy deliciousness (salsa), so buffalo chicken dip will fill the protein gap and round out your sports snacks nicely :)
Clementine
It sounds like you have a Mexican-ish theme going there so I’d keep it going- Make your own burrito bowls with grilled chicken, black beans, etc.
Chili is always good.
I might do something easy and quick like quesadillas or a Mexican pizza. Pizza on the grill is also a very fun (and easy!) option.
Walnut
You could up this to a nacho bar without much additional effort. Add in beans, lettuce, tomatoes, ground beef or shredded chicken, etc.
Apples
I would add a bean dip to make a trio of dips for the chips. When I serve this, I often add taquitos (from frozen) that can also be dipped.
KS IT Chick
Smoked Corn & Jalapeno Dip!
http://www.thekitchn.com/summer-grilling-recipe-smokey-148335
Anon
Posole!
Cat
Question because I don’t have real life friends in rowhomes-
Moving from a doorman condo building to our very own rowhouse (yay!) but – question – how am I supposed to online shop anymore? Obviously I can’t have packages left on doorstep, but I’d feel weird having a steady stream of Amazon and JCrew boxes showing up at work. Or is that what people do?
tesyaa
If you don’t want to ship everything to work, you can have your packages held at the Fedex or UPS store. They’re often open hours like 7-7.
ETA: in my suburban neighborhood (obviously different than an urban rowhouse), I do have packages left at the doorstep, but most of what I buy is kids’ clothing and things like that – not necessarily either expensive or desirable from a theft standpoint. For more expensive purchases like electronics (which are infrequent), I have shipped to work.
Baconpancakes
That does not make a difference in my urban neighborhood. People in my neighborhood have opened up the packages that were delivered to my door, took what they wanted, and smashed the rest. People are pigs sometimes.
If you have a nice retired neighbor or stay-at-home parent nearby, you might be able to have them receive packages in return for raking their leaves or a thank-you giftcard to a local restaurant or something. Otherwise, it’s work or UPS store.
Wildkitten
Our local dry cleaner and one corner store will accept packages for people as well.
Must be Tuesday
Sometimes I ship to work because that’s more secure than having packages left on the front stoop at home. Sometimes I ship to home because I feel like I’m getting too many packages at work (plus hauling the packages home on public transportation isn’t fun). Online shopping is one of the reasons I think it would be great to live in a building with a doorman.
NYNY
Have you looked at Amazon locker? Won’t help with non-Amazon purchases, but at least in NYC, there are a lot of Amazon locker locations.
NYC tech
In my neighborhood the Amazon locker is often full (not accepting new packages). Also, the lockers only accept packages below a certain size, so you can’t pick up, say, diapers there. The lockers can be useful, but they definitely have limits.
Cat
Thanks – there is a convenient UPS store between new house and work, and I’ll check into Amazon locker locations. The only downside of having an actual plot of land vs a box in the sky! Well, that and having to make sure the roof doesn’t leak…
Sydney Bristow
If you sign up for a free UPS MyChoice account, you can usually reroute things to a UPS store for free. Sometimes it costs $5 but I’m not sure why.
I think if you pay for the premium account you can schedule a 2 hour delivery window.
We never had a problem with packages being left at our row house. Now that we live in an apartment building it has become a bit of a nightmare. UPS never leaves things on the first attempt until yesterday when they left my wedding band without a signature. Of all the packages to decide to leave, they pick the mist expensive one! Luckily it was still here when we got home.
Baconpancakes
Now that it’s Jockey’s Skimmies season again, I’m finding that they’re riding up way more than they did when I first bought them, and making them useless. Is it just time and lycra decaying? Any way to prevent this? At $20+ each, I’d hoped they would last a little bit longer than one season.
Carrie...
Yeah… I have this problem. Maybe it’s just the size of my thighs, but they don’t work well for me. I rarely ware them.
Baconpancakes
When I first bought them, they didn’t move at all, and I thought they were magic. Now they’re riding up, just like the bike shorts I tried to wear. I’m wondering if they’re actually too big/stretched out now, and I just have to buy them smaller.
WJM-TV
Huh, wearing mine now with no problem. Is it just one pair or all the ones you have? I admit I bought ~7 pairs when they had a clearance sale sometime last year.
Parfait
Mine seem fine. I wash them in a mesh bag and hang dry.
Also I buy them when they go on sale for $15. Still seems ridiculous, but less so.
I definitely need a few more pairs for this summer.
Wild Chicken
TJ: Has anyone tried intermittent fasting (IF)? There are different varieties — I’m currently doing the one where you don’t eat for 14 hours a day (so I eat my last meal at 7 p.m. and don’t eat breakfast until 9 a.m.). The idea is that it puts your body into a ketogenic state which is supposed to burn fat faster. So far I’ve been on it about 2 weeks, and I have lost weight, but that may have less to do with the timing of my consumption and more to do with my ceasing to snack at night after dinner. Would love to know if others have tried IF and if you’ve seen any success.
tesyaa
I didn’t know this was called intermittent fasting… I just called it “not snacking at night”. When I am careful to do this, I do lose weight as desired. It’s a good way to cut out unnecessary calories.
Anon
My grandmother called this (not snacking between meals out of boredom) – “the kitchen is closed”.
eating habits
I’m surprised to hear this is called fasting at all. Many people eat like this. It’s pretty normal. 14hrs isn’t a magic number.
But yes, snacking in the evening before bed is definitely associated with weight gain.
Wildkitten
Some scientists at Northwestern tried with rats or mice and found eating at night to be huge influential on weight gain.
Asideralis
I do the opposite, where I don’t eat from 9 pm to 4-5 pm. I hate breakfast and always have, and it’s easy for me to skip lunch. I definitely love it as I don’t have to worry about “what will I make for lunch??” and can just grab a cup of coffee and leave my house.
la vie en bleu
Also, can I just say AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!!!???
I am so excited for this movie, I am dying. Dying.
Anyone else going to see it this weekend?
HSAL
Yes! Probably Sunday. We’ve been watching all of them in preparation.
la vie en bleu
YAY! Yeah, I’ve been rewatching the last couple because it’s been a while. I might have to do a whole marathon before watching Age of Ultron for a second time. ;o)
Anon100
I saw it yesterday (courtesy of a friend who got special early release tickets)! Loved it, but still think the first Avengers movie is the best out of all the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.
Am I allowed to post a spoiler about credit scenes? Or just make everyone watch all the credits like usual?
Anonymous Poser
No spoilers please!
This includes for scenes during the credits.
Mpls
Heh – they were true to their word on that one. Can’t beat the shwarma. :)
Houda
I’m watching it Monday… unfortunately in my country it will be translated in French.
la vie en bleu
at least the word ‘assemble’ is basically the same ;-)
Mpls
Saw it last night. There is a LOT going on. I like how the writers/producers don’t hold your hand too much and expect you to keep up with the plot and the characters.
Also, a Firefly/Serenity reference in the back 1/3 of the movie.
la vie en bleu
totally I like that, too. omg going soon! i lurv Joss Whedon.
Anonymous
Really? I don’t get how people can still like him. He is awful to his female characters and such a bro. Im so glad he is off the marvel franchise
la vie en bleu
Oh yes, Buffy, Willow, Zoe, Maria Hill…. he’s just horrible to female characters….
Anonymous
Yeah. He fired a pregnant actress (for being pregnant) his female characters (buffy included) are constantly sacrified for childish male characters, he took away EVERYTHING that was central to black widows character, (I will seriously never forgive him for this. We get one female avenger, and he disregarded her whole backstory to turn her into something completely different) god forbid if one of his female characters gets too sexual (he literally took away buffys soul when that happened) Nevermind his school boy giggling that he managed to call black widow a c*nt in the first movie (Umm congrats joss?) Buffy was great in 1996 but we are talking 20 years ago now. He hasn’t evolved at all beyond that. He is awful to female characters and female writing.
Anon
If you think he took away Buffy’s soul, you clearly never watched the show. Can’t weigh in on Black Widow, since I never read the comics, but I won’t let one possibly bad portrayal ruin my feelings on him.
la vie en bleu
gah, it was SOOO GOODD!!!!!! I loved it, there was a lot going on, but visually it was done so well I could follow everything. I can’t wait to see it again!
“If you step out that door you are an Avenger.” Me Me Me! I want to be an Avenger!!!
Anonymous
Just in the interest of a biased review I think its the worst movie of the avengers and a big big decline from the first one. Also if you care about the comic books at all I think you’ll be disappointed by what they have done in this one. And like I said before, the bw story line is ridiculous.
Anonymous
Just saw on the New York Times that Sheryl Sandberg’s husband died suddenly Friday. I feel so sad for her :-(
Anonymous
I saw this news too. Very sad indeed. My heart ached for her and the family
Anonymous
My heart aches for her & their family. 47 is so young and their kids are pretty young too.
anon
Sad for her. I had no idea who Sheryl’s husband was: It’s interesting that they had such a strong partnership, one that a lot of people probably envy.
Miss Behaved
It is sad. Has anyone heard how he died or where it happened?
Asideralis
It’s really saddening! I empathize with her and her family. It’s got to be heart-wrenching to lose someone so suddenly.