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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 198 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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weekend-and-office-outfitsSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. This top may be a little boring, but it's exactly the kind of elevated tee I love to wear — on weekends and for work, as a base layer for cardigans, blazers, and more. The asymmetric detail is really gorgeous, and the red, while bright, is a great color; I also like that it's machine washable. It was $48, but is now on sale for $28, sizes XS-XL still available. KUT from the Kloth ‘Abree' Asymmetrical Pleated Top (Psst: check out our roundup of the big Nordstrom sale for workwear and office-appropriate shoes.) (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Hostess Gift?

    Got invited to a friend’s home for a casual (1 pm) lunch gathering this weekend. It’ll be 4 women — all of us met at work, though some work there still and some don’t. The 3 of them get together frequently (at least 4-6 times/yr); it’s my first time to her home as I just moved to this city last month (became friends with her and a few of the others when we worked together but I was located in an office in California). Now that I’m here, I’m happy they want to include me.

    Do I bring something for the host? I don’t know if it’s bad etiquette to EVER show up empty handed or if that’s only true for dinner parties; I don’t want to show up empty handed if everyone else brings a gift, nor do I want to be the only one with a gift — as friends who dine together frequently may not be so “formal” anymore. Not a problem for me to bring something, but what would I bring? Wine/alcohol is most people’s go-to, but that’s out as the couple hosting doesn’t drink (religious reasons so I’m not even sure if they’d want a bottle of wine in their home as I know in some faiths they are uncomfortable even keeping it around until it’s re-gifted).

    • Anonymous

      Candy, macarons, flowers, nice candle. Something from williams-sanoma is always my go-to. I don’t think it would be weird to bring a gift for this first time but I probably wouldn’t for subsequent visits.

    • Mpls

      Lunch hosting doesn’t feel like the same level as dinner hosting – that plus the fact that is casual, I’d say you don’t need to bring anything. Since it’s casual you might offer to pick up something – dessert, fancy soda/drinks – if that offer is declined, then I definitely wouldn’t bring anything else.

    • S

      I always just email or text saying “what can I bring?” and then bring what they ask for or, if they say “nothing” take them at their word.

      • Anon

        But the reality is that most people will say nothing — esp. in this situation, where the guest is a newcomer to the city and is visiting this woman’s home for the first time. In this group that the poster describes, while I may ask one of the other 3 — hey I forgot to get dessert, can you grab a pie or something — bc I see them enough that it’s no big deal, I wouldn’t ask this guest to do so. If she asked, I’d STILL say — nothing, just bring yourself.

        • S

          Maybe it’s regional, I often suggestion someone bring juice, dessert etc. if they ask and often when I offer friends say what I can bring. If you say nothing you should really mean nothing. If you say nothing and then expect something, I think that’s pretty unfair.

    • NYC tech

      Stash a small box of nicely wrapped chocolates in your handbag. Whip them out if appropriate.

      • Anon

        I’d do this with like a boss, but with friends I’d own it. If you walk in with a box of chocolates or flowers and no one else does, so what?? If she says — oh you didn’t have to — it’s so easy to say, I was just walking by the flower shop/candy place and thought of you. And you’re done with that topic and can have a lunch w/o worry about a faux pas the whole time.

    • Maddie Ross

      I think this is the perfect occasion for nice cookies, cupcakes, biscotti. Something small and sweet that can either be enjoyed with the group, or consumed by the hostess with her family that evening.

      • Sparrow

        I agree. Something food related would be good that could be part of the lunch.

    • NYCpg

      I host brunches much more often than dinner and people definitely bring stuff. Flowers, macarons, pastries, sparkling wine (not an option here), a candle. Recently someone brought a whole gift box from Zabars that included two cheeses, a salami, fancy mustard, nuts, chocolate, and a tea towel – totally over the top but I loved it. :-)

      • Anon

        Good to know that people bring stuff and it isn’t weird. I always wonder about OP’s question too but being raised in the south where it’s more proper — I always bring something and then wonder if people find me overly “formal.”

  2. Anonymous

    Help with a coworker who talks incessantly about their kids/home life? I am perfectly happy to have a personal relationship with my team members at work, but I’m more referring to going on for 45 mins about children’s sports/friends/etc….How do I get out of these conversations when the person sits 2 feet away from me? I can’t just walk away. For reference, we do not have the sort of environment in my office where I could be direct about this.

    • Meg Murry

      You can just walk away sometimes. Take a trip to the ladies room, to refill your water bottle, to the photocopier or the shredder. When you come back, say “I’ve got to concentrate on this TPS report” and put on headphones – even if they aren’t actually playing any music.

  3. Senior Attorney

    “That sounds great/tough/amazing! So sorry but I’m on a deadline and I’ve got to get back to this project right now!” You can’t do some version of that?

    In the alternative… earbuds.

  5. hmm.

    Ooh, I like this top.

    Reposting one moving question from the morning thread and adding another. I’ve seen a handful of these lately–sending good thoughts to all those ‘r3tt3s in moving mode this month!

    1. Are change-of-address cards for social contacts still a thing? Or maybe do this with year-end holiday cards? Would you be weirded out to get something like this in the mail? (For me sending via email seems kind of weird and braggy–“Hiiiii we bought a house!” blech–but maybe that’s easier?)

    2. What’s the sweet spot between giving notice to a current landlord and having a place to go? Wondering if we should wait til after closing or give notice as soon as possible.

    TIA!

    • Anonymous

      I love change of address cards (Mint has some really cute ones), but I love cards in general…I don’t think anyone would be annoyed, persay, that they got one.

    • mascot

      2. What does the lease say? Usually that is a lease term on how much notice you have to give of intent to vacate. When is the closing? Those can get delayed so you might want to give yourself a cushion of a few days or a week between when you close and when you have to be out of your current place. Take into account any time needed for cleaning and repairs at the new place that need to be done before you move in. The landlord probably has their own timeline for how long they need to get a place ready for a new occupant so it will probably be empty for a few days between occupants.

      • THU

        Definitely look at the lease. This is a business question, not an etiquette question. (Sometimes I think we forgot…)

    • Maddie Ross

      I love change of address cards. This time of year, you can also combine with thanksgiving, Christmas, new years and do well wishes along with the new address. Second that Mint has cute options.

    • Sparrow

      We were living in an apartment while our new house was being built. We had a six month lease and tried to keep them in the loop in case we needed to switch to a month to month lease. I think we ended up staying a couple more weeks past the 6 months.

      If you have a good relationship with your landlord, it doesn’t hurt to give more notice. However, I don’t think you will want to commit to a move out date until after closing. You never know if anything unexpected will come up that moves out the closing date.

    • JJ

      We just moved, and I sent change-of-address cards to everyone that I exchange Christmas/holiday cards with. That way, if they were so inclined, they could update their address lists.

    • NOLA

      For friends, I prefer an email because then I can search my gmail when I inevitably forget their address or am at work and need to send out a card.

    • Anonymous

      My parents recently moved and my mom did a mixture of both. She sent an email for those that she knew would prefer to have the information electronically. It was especially important for them to update people because their home phone (they still use one) number changed. Then she sent a cute card to her Christmas card list and those who would prefer a traditional announcement (like her mother). When I’ve moved around the holidays, I just send my card extra early and point out in the card that I moved and my new address.

  6. Estranged?

    Any ‘rettes made the decision to cut off contact with a parent? How did you make the decision to go no contact? Do you find that it made your life better?

    Alternatively, if you’re not completely estranged, do you manage/greatly limit contact with a parent for your own well-being?

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I come and go. I have not talked to my mother for periods of up to 4 months. Usually my dad (they’re divorced) encourages me to give her a shot again. Meh.

      I got very tired of arguing with her. I believe she’s a narcissist and just uses me to glom whatever she needs out of me. You can look up “children of narcissistic parents” and see if that is something you relate to. There are tips for going low/no contact on the reddit for NP.

      Regardless, *hugs*. It’s hard when society tells you your relationship with your parents should be perfect.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’ve done both.

      First, allow me to direct you to CaptainAwkward[dot]com. It’s an advice blog, and the writer frequently handles different versions of your question, and she gives great advice for managing tough people, both when you want to try to maintain some kind of relationship, and when you’re ready to cut ties completely.

      My own story – both of my parents are textbook narcissists with serious co-dependency issues (and likely loads of other untreated mental health issues). One parent (P1) was overtly verbally/emotionally abusive to our entire family for my whole life – that’s the parent I am estranged from. When I first started realizing that verbal abuse at family dinner isn’t cool, I tried setting boundaries with P1 (“Hey, don’t talk to me that way” + leaving or hanging up the phone when bad behavior persisted), but it eventually became clear that P1 wasn’t ever going to respect the boundaries set, so I don’t have any voluntary contact with P1 anymore. We see each other very occasionally at family functions, where I will offer about 10 minutes of polite-and-meaningless pleasantries and then spend the rest of the function on whatever side of the room is opposite from P1. I initially got a little pushback from family, but once it became clear that I could coexist with P1 and not disrupt their functions, they got over it. Although I still see P1 occasionally, I count it as an estrangement because P1 is not someone I would ever voluntarily contact for any reason at all.

      Other parent (P2), while also a narcissist, is not intentionally abusive (selfish and passive aggressive, yes, but not intentionally cruel), so I used the Captain Awkward techniques to set boundaries I was comfortable with (we only talk about certain topics, we only spend certain limited amounts of time doing specific, non-controversial and mutually-acceptable activities together, etc.), and it has (mostly) worked. Basically, P2 decided seeing me was worth following my “rules.” Even though P2 has openly said to my sibling that P2 thinks I’m overly rigid/unfair/have too many rules, P2 follows them and I don’t have to deal with the worst side of P2 in our relationship anymore, so I count it as enough of a win for the relationship to be worth sustaining.

      It’s a tough road either way, but both the estrangement from P1 and the boundary-setting with P2 have been 100% worth it and have dramatically improved my life. I didn’t realize how much their treatment of me left me feeling weak and incapable and ineffective, and it took dramatically altering our relationships for me to finally start to feel like a “real adult” in my own life, and that, in turn, has improved my relationships with basically every other person in my life.

    • New Tampanian

      I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost 3 years. There is a lot of back story but the quick and dirty: she has a severe mental illness which along with other personality traits of hers caused my own mental health to decline. My family situation is pretty effed all around but I could not deal with the constant manipulation from her. I had been seeing a therapist for years and it became apparent that my mother was intentionally/unintentionally (who knows) creating a whole level of stress that could be cut out.

      She has attempted to contact me, up to my birthday in March. I haven’t heard from her since. It’s quite possible that she doesn’t even know I live down here (moved in Feb). When I was back up North to visit people this prior weekend, I did not go near where I knew she last lived.

      For me, it was needed. It was difficult at first because I felt guilted/manipulated by some of her texts or voicemails. I had to remember that this was something I chose to do in order for my own mental health to be better. I do not feel guilty about it any longer.

      My biggest issue with it now is trying to explain anything about my family to other people. Like I said, my family is pretty effed up. It isn’t an easy thing to tell people that you cut your mom out of your life, or you haven’t spent a holiday with family in years, or that when you go up north to visit you aren’t seeing relatives but friends. I get really shy, awkward and slightly apologetic about it. That’s a me issue though. I am working through it.

      Lots of hugs and support your way. You need to do what you think is best for your own well being. xoxo

      • Anonymous

        The explaining thing gets easier. I haven’t spoken to my father in about a decade, so I just don’t mention him. If necessary, I say something brief and don’t elaborate, then redirect the conversation. Closer friends know the deal but there’s no reason to get into it when someone is just making small talk.

      • anonymous for this one

        I wish I knew you, we have very very similar stories and could commiserate! As for explaining, I found that people always knew parent was awful and they either didn’t ask or I just said something non-committal like, “we haven’t spoken in a while” and change the subject. Often people dropped it but sometimes they gave me a knowing look or even a knowing comment that made it clear they knew parent was pretty rotten.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I cut my mom out of my life about 12 years ago. It was absolutely necessary for me and my own mental health.

      She is very mentally ill and extremely emotionally manipulative (to the point of attempting suicide in response to me telling her as a teenager that I wanted to move in with my father). I tried to stick by her from a distance for years after that, but when I was in college I just couldn’t take it anymore. After discussing it a lot with my therapist, I decided it was best for me to cut off all contact. I sent her an email explaining that I would no longer be speaking to her and that she was not to contact me any more and then spent the next several days terrified that she hurt herself in response to that. She hadn’t. She didn’t respond to it at all and then several months later started continually trying to contact me. I wound up needing to change my email address and cell phone number.

      I felt guilty at first but I know that is was completely necessary for me to do. I was very lucky that my dad, stepmom, and siblings were very supportive of me and my decision. I’ve seen her twice since I cut her off (once at a family wedding and once at my sister’s graduation party) and each time it reassures me that I made the right decision. I got married this past summer and didn’t even consider inviting her. It was the right decision and don’t feel guilty about it.

      I’m really sorry you are going through something similar. Absolutely do what you need to do for your own well being. I’m here if you need anything.

    • Anonymous

      My perspective is my mother can’t help being bat sh!t, frog dancing crazy. However, it’s her choice to not get help or stick with any program or medication she’s been given. As a rule, I will not live within one hour drive of her, and I call her, she doesn’t call me. Those calls consist mostly of me making agreeable noises.

      I accept that she loves me as best she can, and that she’s a mean b!tch to me and will never change. I complain to my husband to let off steam.

      She’s my mother, and I will make sure she always has a place to live and food to eat. But it will always be farther away than she will drive.

    • Penelope

      I haven’t spoken to one of my parents since 2002. I have never regretted it for a second. It was the single best decision I have ever made. (I mean, there were horrible moments when they were berating me afterwards, trying to reassert control, and it was maybe five or six years before the screaming nightmares stopped entirely, but I have never wanted to take back the actual decision.)

      Mostly what made me cross the line was the realization that I didn’t like or respect my parent and didn’t feel safe around them. I was afraid all the time when I was in their space. I worked incredibly hard not to make them angry and to protect my younger sibling from their anger (they never actually struck or were otherwise violent toward us, but there are ways of controlling people with one’s temper that don’t involve physical violence).

      Which is not to say that your relationship with your parent has to be *that bad* to cut off contact; one of the major reasons I have refused to re-open relations is that doing so wouldn’t make my life better. People don’t have to be violent or abusive-as-we-conventionally-understand-it to lose the privilege of having you in their life. You are allowed to make decisions about who you love and give your time and attention to, and “family” isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card. And of course, not everyone who takes a break from a difficult family relationship does it permanently.

    • anonymous for this one

      I did. I tried to distance for a while, found that boundaries were still disrespected. I tried to back out slowly but it seemed to just cause drama when a holiday came up that put us in the same room as it was all that could be talked about. I finally realized that it was unhealthy to allow any contact at all and just went cold turkey. I spoke with each sibling, saying I wanted to continue a relationship if they did but they needed to know that I did not want them to simply report back to the parent as I did not want the parent knowing about my life. (one of the boundary issues was parent contacting colleagues/bosses/roommates/landlords/etc. so any knowledge of my whereabouts was too much knowledge.) Each sibling respected my decision but said they didn’t want to continue contact as it’d make them choose to lie to parent or rat me out and they didn’t want to risk turning said parent against them, seeing how parent treated me. It’s been approx. 4 yrs of no contact and I feel stronger in so many ways than I ever did and I don’t for one second regret choosing to only have positivity in my life rather than to feel obligated due to dna.

    • Rina

      I did, with my father. I haven’t had contact with him for 5 years. For me it was the absolute best decision I’ve made in life. It was a hard one but I’ve had no regrets. My situation may be a bit different because my entire immediate family no longer has contact with him, so I don’t ever get caught in the middle and information about me doesn’t reach him. My father was abusive, not so much to me but to my brothers, and was incredibly cold, calculating, and manipulative. He was the most dangerous and negative thing in my life. I listened to a lot of music, got into walking in nature, and read Dear Sugar a lot.

      • Wildkitten

        Same. I found therapy, supportive family/friends, and the Reddit board for adult children of narciccists to be helpful.

    • Anonymous

      My mom was abusive and an alcoholic. It did not make sense for me to cut her off in her old age. She was what she was and I had to forgive her almost daily. I had to work on myself before I could tolerate her in my life and I am glad that I did. For all the negative, she was my mother and she did the best she could.

  7. Free (or almost free) clothes

    I posted this on the moms site but I thought I’d post here too, as they have adult clothes too:

    I don’t usually like to post about referral links, but this website gives a $20 credit if you get referred and I also got a $10 credit for starting a “collection” of clothes. So you would have $30 to spend on clothes. They have free shipping, and they are charging me CA sales tax (which is not that expensive), but I don’t know about other states.

    They have really cute baby clothes and they also have clothes for older kids and adults, including maternity, and have separate petite and tall “collections”‘ and you can get a bunch of gently used clothes for the $30. If anyone is interested, you can email me at southbaysocialtea at gmail dot com and I’l give you the link.

    Also, it may be a good place to donate clothes to, as part of the money goes to schools.

    I guess they are trying to get the word out with the free shipping, but it seems like a good marketing campaign to me and if I like the condition of the clothes I get and the shipping is not that expensive once they start charging for it, I may keep shopping there…

    • Anon for this

      So you’re clearly talking about Thred Up or something similar. That’s fine. I love the premise of their system and the idea of basically creating online consignment. But (a) you haven’t mentioned the place, so the whole idea of helping them out and getting the word out is completely lost and (b) you’re clearly just trying to get your own referrals. Annoying.

      • Anon

        Sorry I left the name out, it’s Schoola.

        How do you like thredup? It feels kind of weird not being able to inspect the clothes in person, but I thought $30 of basically free clothes may be worth a try…

  8. Hazel

    I am at the point of leaving the faith I grew up in, and in which my family is still very active. My parents are particularly devout, with positions of high leadership that consume a great deal of their time and attention. I’ve struggled with my faith for years and haven’t actively attended church for about 18 months, though in the past I’ve been willing to go when visiting family. I still find many beautiful and lovely things in the faith, but many church policies and doctrines are actively painful, and I’ve found more peace and happiness since stepping away.

    My parents know I’m no longer attending, and they are respectful though it’s clear they grieve. I will likely continue to suck it up and attend church with them when I’m home for Christmas/visiting over weekends, because it’s important to them even though I find it incredibly painful… So I guess I’m looking for commiseration/sympathy here from anyone who’s been through similar circumstances. How do you best preserve your family relations when you’re leaving something that’s vital to their lives (and you know they will never ever stop wanting you to come back)?

    • Anon for this

      I actually have a similar situation, however I must admit I haven’t been/am not dealing with it in the most mature fashion. I go when I’m visiting my parents and they want to go and since they don’t seem to understand why I’m not inclined to participate in the faith anymore, I just lie to my mom when she asks which is probably not advisable. It sounds like your family at least respects your reasons which is great.

      I’ve also chosen a partner outside of the faith and while we’re not married yet, I know my mom is sad about the fact that this is something that will take me further away.

      • Hazel

        I didn’t want to lie to my parents, so spent a couple of months avoiding their calls (not the most mature response either…) We finally talked about a year ago. I know they’ve had some of the same doubts/concerns as me but have come to opposite conclusions, which is almost harder in a way–they don’t see why I can’t reconcile my doubts the way they have.

        All my best wishes to you and your partner.

    • Anonymous2

      I’m in my 50s, left my family’s church (Catholic) when I was 18 and went to college. Was estranged from my parents for 2-3 years when I was dating my non-catholic now-husband, “living in sin” and was the black sheep of my family for years because of it. I set stronger boundaries and my parents have had good relationships with me and my kids. Every month or two they mention that the church is welcoming to “lost” members. I don’t engage and am not offended though I was for years. I just know that they can’t give it up and think that I’m going to hell, which is painful for them. So, my suggestions: Set boundaries (like they won’t bring it up unless you do), emphasize your knowledge that it’s important to them and what you like about their religion but that you prefer not to discuss it and just be ready to change the subject. Expect more pressure if you marry, have kids (baptism time especially but also in the raising of kids) and if you have siblings when they marry/have kids.

      • Hazel

        I know my family has some of the same concerns — they believe strongly in an afterlife in which families are eternal, and so they’re understandably grieved by the thought that I’m choosing to separate myself. I suspect they think I’ll come back someday (which I haven’t discouraged, as so far I’ve framed this as a “stepping back” rather than “walking away”).

        Thanks for the advice–I’m glad things are working out better for you now.

    • Marie

      Hugs. I know this is hard. Sorry if this is useless info, but I just wanted to throw out there that at my Unitarian Universalist church, there is a pretty big community of people who have left the faith they grew up in for reasons similar to yours. You might find other people who understand at a UU congregation if there are any near you.

      • Hazel

        I appreciate that. I do miss the church community although I’m enough of an introvert that I’ve really been enjoying Sundays to myself instead of dedicated to church. I’ll remember UU though, thank you!

        • Anonymous2

          Yes, I went to a UU church for a while after college. Same reasons. Doesn’t trigger the “church” in my head because it’s pretty secular.

    • MOH

      You sound Mormon, particularly in light of recent “announcements” regarding marginalized members of this church. I grew up Mormon, as did my husband. He formally resigned his membership a few years ago. I stopped practicing (with my four children) about 18 months ago. It has been a hard road, and we’re still on it. However, we’ve found that being direct, and succinct, when asked questions works, though we don’t go out of our way to offer it or start the conversation now that the cat is out of the bag. Because we were the ones to “change the rules or the playing field,” we try to practice a great deal of patience and we don’t insert ourselves into religious discussions unless really pressed. But when we do, we go all out.

      We’ve also determined that we would like the opportunity to have or rebuild relationships with our family members and close friends without our church membership being a condition precedent to interaction. This requires us to sort of take one for the team. We’ve been patient with their expressed (physical and verbal) sorrow, meaning we acknowledge it but don’t wallow in it and we don’t apologize any more. We’ve also been the ones to make heightened efforts to maintain relationships (e.g., we invite them to dinners at our house, or game night, or hikes, or Sunday picnics). When we visit our parents/family, we do not go to church. We’ve been asked a couple times and usually just said that we had plans to do some sort of outdoor activity. We have attended meetings here and there when a family member has a particular special event happening, and we’ve verbally expressed our pleasure in attending to support them – it’s about our relationship with them, not with the religion.

      Personally, I think “coming out” as a non-believer now is better than trying to pretend. You need to be appreciated for who you are, today. Your parents and family members will get through the initial sting of your separation from their beliefs – which have deep tentacles into every aspect of their individual lives and their family life with you – but the pain will subside and you will be able to have a relationship with them again. Extend more effort than usual to check in with them, stay a part of their lives so that you can reassure them that in disassociating with the religion, you are not pulling away from them. It will get easier.

      • Hazel

        Nail on the head — I didn’t want to be too specific but figured anyone in similar circumstances might recognize it (especially with last night’s news, which has eaten up all my social media this morning and triggered this post).

        Thanks for sharing your experiences and advice — I think “coming out” is likely in my future, though I’m not sure I’m ready yet to formally resign membership. The tentacles are deep indeed. ;)

        • MOH

          I’m not ready to formally resign either. But I cannot go back, for myself or my children.

          Do you have others in your close circle that support you? It is a hard thing to leave when your extended family and parents, in particular, stay. Find your tribe that will support you through your faith transition. If you don’t, I’m more than willing to send you my contact information and let you ask me all the questions you want.

          • Hazel

            Thank you so much for the offer. I have a number of friends who are supportive, but a lot of them are either non-members or are in the same place I am — on the edge of leaving and terrified about it. I’d appreciate a chance to talk; my email is kilerkki at gmail dot com.

      • CKB

        Struggling with similar issues here, but not as far down the road as you are. My Dh is inactive and has found a lot of support on some ex-mo message boards. There are several out there – I’m sure you can find one with the type of personality that fits with you.

        My bro and his family left the church last year while our parents were on a mission. I know it’s been hard on their relationship with Mom & Dad, but they have taken a similar stance to MOH and I think things are slowly getting better. It probably helps that they are the closest grandkids geographically. I think bro & sil are having a much harder time with my sil’s parents.

    • Meg Murry

      My husband grew up in a strict Baptist household, and his parents have gotten even more involved with the church since he and his brother have left home. My husband and his brother want nothing to do with the church anymore, and now that we are adults and not staying at their house for visits we have found it better to decline to attend all church functions – attending Christmas Eve service or Easter service seems to get their hopes up again that they might be able to lure them back to the church and re-start the conversation every time of having them invite us to every Sunday service for a few weeks. At first we would just make a point of scheduling events with my family those days instead (no, sorry, can’t come to Christmas Eve service because we are having dinner with Meg’s family that day), but now we just say “no thanks” the handful of times they ask and then change the subject. My BIL tried arguing with them a few times, but we finally helped him see that his parents are never going to change and there is no point in having the same arguments over and over with them, it just makes everyone angry and dig in on their side more, not convince the other.

      As far as the fallout, I think my in-laws were pretty upset for a while that their kids left the faith, and my MIL placed some of the blame on me because I am non-religious (one of the growing “none”s). But now as long as we stay away from talking about church beyond it being mentioned in the list of “what did you do this weekend?” general topics, the relationship is pretty good.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Is this coincidental or are the new LDS guidelines about children of gay parents the straw that broke the camel’s back? I have a friend questioning her future in the church even more because of this, and I’m wondering how this might affect their more liberal members…

      • Hazel

        Not coincidental. I’ve been questioning my future in the church for a couple of years, based on a number of policies, but the new guidelines seem like even more of a rejection from a church I once loved and tried so hard to believe in.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          I’m sorry. I left Catholicism as a young adult, and while it was hard to explain to my family (who *still* seems to be under the impression that it’s a youthful whim, ten years on), my faith wasn’t as all-encompassing as the LDS faith seems to be, based on people I know who are members. It’s not an easy road, but it’s best to be true to your convictions!

          While I’m very agnostic, I did find the various rituals and seasons within Catholicism to be beautiful and miss them in certain ways. To quell this, I found it helpful to establish some family traditions that drew a bit on old traditions, but without religious overtones, as well as starting some completely new ones.

          • NYtoCO

            If you even see this, would you be willing to describe what some of these traditions are? We both grew up Catholic, haven’t officially “left” but rarely attend church and have serious issues with many of the beliefs of the religion. We’re unsure how exactly we’ll raise our kids, but many religious traditions (especially Christmas, and to a lesser extent Easter) are still very special to us.

      • MOH

        The LDS church will continue to hemorrhage members. It already is, the numbers are staggering.

      • Wow

        My husband was raised Mormon, so I’ve been loosely following some of the news, but I didn’t know about this. What a sad policy.

        For Hazel — My husband has not formally resigned his membership, but he has not gone to church in years and no longer believes in the church. His entire immediate family is active (one brother in law is even a bishop). They all have an uneasy don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy, which can get really awkward sometimes. For example, my husband does not drink coffee in front of the family. Although it creates some fun escapes for us when we’re visiting, it’s still a little annoying and constricting to feel like you’re hiding something. We still honestly take the beer out of the fridge when his family visits, as well. Other than those acts, he does not hide it or pretend to believe around them. We never go to church when they’re visiting us or when we visit them. We’re certain they know because last year while we were visiting one sister, someone got sick and all the other men in the family were asked to help with a blessing, but they did not even ask my husband. However, no one will say it out loud. I wish someone would bring it up so it would be out in the open, but I understand how sad his family must be about his falling away.

        As for what helped him — internet forums and podcasts. He doesn’t have any local friends who were questioning, so it helped him to know there were other people out there who understood. He wouldn’t talk to me about it for a really long time, but when he finally told me, I tried to be really really supportive. I believe that helped to have someone that he could talk to out loud. I started listening to the same podcasts so I could talk to him about the episodes and ask any questions I had. So, it’s good that you seem to have some people who are supportive locally.

        On some level, I think he’s decided that his family will accept it or not, and the onus is kind of on them to be good humans about the whole thing, even if they are sad about it. He’s come to see it mostly as a difference of opinion that will just never be changed, so everyone has to accept everyone else as they are. (Clearly he does not believe this enough to have The Conversation, which is fine by me.)

    • Senior Attorney

      I don’t have any advice regarding the family issues, but I want to offer hugs and commiseration. Some years ago I left a religion I loved over similar issues (that, and the whole “just can’t believe any more” thing) and it was hard.

      I will say that as much as I miss the community and the relationships, it feels a lot better to not have to deal with all that cognitive dissonance and just admit to myself that I am no longer a believer.

    • Anonymous

      Church creates a living, breathing community, and that is part of the attraction and difficulty with separation. My spouse is now an atheist and I am a Nuns-on-the-Bus Catholic. We have children, and there are values that all of us share with the community, so my partner attends for significant moments, and enjoys some aspects (singing, fellowship) and is strongly drawn toward the KoC but doesn’t it would be ethical for him to join.

      It’s a “coming out” of sorts. You want your parents to accept you for who you are, and for all of you to be at peace with your place on the spectrum of religion and beliefs. I’m more Socratic, so when I hear over-the-top atheists characterize what they think I believe…it gets awkward for them, because I know who I am and what my beliefs are. One thing that has helped is finding my mini-tribe/home team. For all that with stepping away – think on what your local social safety net looks like. It may be strong now which allows you to take this step, if so, great! If you want to strengthen it – get out in the community in a way that makes sense for who you are, such as scanning meetup for what’s already going on.

    • Wildkitten

      I was raised in a church and even though it wasn’t LDS – it was really really important to me to be active in a faith community as an adult. The Mormon church is extra-hard, but I wouldn’t assume that because you don’t agree with the current LDS President means you can never find a faith community home.

      I’m wildki tt en re tt e at g mail. I’m happy to connect you with anyone I know, or just faith community in general. I know it can be extra hard in the holidays. I’m also going to pray with you either way :)

      • MOH

        I really like how you phrase it a “faith community home.” I think that is what many of us are seeking, so I like the broad, encompassing scope of that label.

    • AltaLitGirl

      I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Leaving the church was probably one of the most difficult decisions I have made so far in life, but I am convinced it was the right decision for me. I was raised in a very committed Baptist household (I’m talking church 3-4 times/week, plus Bible studies, youth group, etc.), but I made the decision about 5 years ago to pull out of organized religion after coming to terms with some differing views that I have with church doctrine/policies. I would now describe myself as agnostic (if there is a god, or some omnipotent force in the universe, it doesn’t know or care for us on an individual level). My mom is still very, very religious, as are my sister, brother, and their spouses. My dad still goes to church occasionally, and I don’t go to church at all.

      I tried to skirt around going to church/being connected with a faith community for a long time with my family (and for while I could because I lived in a different city from my family), but I finally came out about 3 years ago and told them (individually, on different occasions) that I don’t believe in Christianity and organized religion, and my agnostic perspective. My mom was hit hardest by hearing my changed views and rejection of the church. She brought religion into everything we did as kids (including lobbying for the start of a Christian school in our small community so that we wouldn’t have to “endure” all the heathen kids in the public system), and I think she feels she was a great parent because of her overtly religious views and attitude. I think she was a great mom to me when I was younger in-spite of those attitudes, and frankly, I know that I will do a lot of the things she did with me re: discipline (including setting our own household system for “appealing” my parents decisions – genius!) when I have kids of my own, although DH and I have agreed that we will have a non-religious environment for our kids (DH is an atheist). My siblings don’t really understand how I can go from believing in God to not believing in God and not wanting to go to church, but they have accepted that it isn’t their job to try to change my mind or perspective.

      It was initially difficult for me to decide to acknowledge my own enlightenment (or crisis of faith) because the church was part of my identity and gave me a lot in terms of self-worth and purpose when I was younger. It has taken me some time to build my own code of ethics/world views after leaving the church, but I feel like my internal conflicts with my beliefs are mostly resolved now and it feels freeing not to be so consumed with what other people are thinking/judging about me. My family has actually been incredibly respectful, and I think the transition has been okay in part because I am willing to acknowledge that religion is a significant force in their lives and they feel a strong need to continue with their observances. For example, my family stayed with DH and I for a few days over the Christmas holidays last year, including Christmas Eve and Day. My family went to church while we stayed at home, and we let my mom say a blessing for Christmas dinner because I knew it was important to her (and frankly, it wasn’t going to kill me). My mom still regularly tells me that she has been praying for me, and I try to accept that as charitably as I can (even though I feel like prayer does nothing), because I know that is the best way she knows to offer me support.

      The hardest thing I think has been trying to come up with non-religious ways to show my support for my family in a way that they will understand. For example, my brother and SIL just found out that my toddler nephew has been diagnosed with a serious speech-language delay. They were understandably upset, and when my SIL texted my mom, sister, and I about it, both my mom and sister responded with “we’ll pray for you”, and the like. I felt kind of lame responding with “we are thinking of you and will support you any way we can” because I think prayer means more to her, but at the end of the day it was about me setting a new normal and a new tone.

      Hopefully your family will ultimately be understanding and supportive. I think it may take them some time to understand that this isn’t just a “crisis of faith” or period of “testing” for you, but that you are firm in your new viewpoint, and that they will respect you for being true to yourself.

  9. Traveller

    I am leaving for 2 weeks in Thailand tomorrow, hooray! I am trying to pack super light – just a large carry-on backpack – but am having a shoe quandary…

    Itinerary consists of four days in Bangkok, four days hiking/camping in the jungle, then six days at an island yoga/wellness retreat. It sounds like it will be hot and rainy. Usually I try to travel with only 3 pairs of shoes, but am thinking I need:
    -hiking boots (for jungle)
    -niceish walking sandals (for city – bars, walking etc)
    -waterproof Tevas (ugly but will be functional on hot rainy island)
    -sneakers (for working out at retreat)

    Any ideas on cutting this back? I don’t think hiking in the sneakers will be a good idea – it’s muddy and I want ankle support from boots.

    Related – what are things you regretted not having with you on a trip like this, and what did you wish you’d left home?

    • mascot

      So, leaving tomorrow might be too late, but would you consider a waterproof trail shoe (either a hiking shoe or trail runner) to replace tevas/workout shoes? I recently hiked in North Face Hedgehogs and they are pretty comfortable for a variety of activities and kept my feet dry. No break-in time was needed.

      • Monte

        Agreed – I wear trail running shoes instead of hiking boots, which work for working out and all but the most technical of hikes. And I would bring one pair of good looking, comfortable basic sandals for everything else — I have worn comfortable leather metallic flip flops that I would wear any place the trail shoes won’t work. More than two pairs of shoes in a backpack seems unduly burdensome.

    • PB&J

      This is so exciting! Sounds like an amazing trip! I spent 6 weeks traveling around SE Asia (including Thailand) with a very small back pack. Depending on what kinds of accommodations you’re going to have, I would recommend:

      1) flip flops. Great for showering and slipping on to go to the bathroom (ime the jungle camps only have out houses), walking to the beach. I know you asked for how to bring LESS shoes, but I ended up wearing flip flops almost everyday. I wore running shoes on a 4-day trek through Northern Thailand/Laos and was fine, fwiw.

      2) Insect repelling mummy sleeping bag liner. This thing is AMAZING – it’s so functional and it folds up to be about the size of a coffee mug. I take it on all my trips now, and everyone that sees it is jealous they don’t have one. http://www.rei.com/product/797112/sea-to-summit-insect-shield-coolmax-adaptor-liner-mummy

    • Senior Attorney

      When I was in Cambodia a few years ago, the woman in our group who looked the most comfortable and put-together was wearing that special kind of travel clothing that is super lightweight, water-and-bug-repellant, and super-quick-drying. She had two or three shirts, a pair or two of pants that could convert into shorts or capris, and a variety of scarves to mix things up. I always thought such clothing was kind of dorky but when worn in its intended setting it looks great. Not cheap but next time I go to on a similar trip that’s what I’m taking.

  10. Rose

    I’ve been having a complete melt down over the past couple of days. It started with therapy and some stuff we are working through relating to my abuse history. I got triggered hard core about a month ago, and it’s lead me to realize I’ve not completely recovered from my abuse.

    Then I went Christmas decoration shopping last night, and got overall emotional. My mom passed away last year, and I didn’t really do anything for Christmas but it was her favorite holiday so I bought a TON of stuff to decorate the outside of the house, and I was standing in Target on the verge of tears.

    Today has been a crap day at work. Weekly reports are do today, and nothing went right with any of them. Then I’m being voluntold to fill out paperwork that really should be filled out by the technical lead on the project, and they can’t agree on the information. I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown at my desk since this morning.

    I’m desperately trying to hold it together.

    • it will be okay

      Oh you poor thing. This sounds so hard and my heart goes out to you. Just focus on the exact moment you are in right now. Breathe. Take it one tiny task at a time, and soon the work week will be over. You will feel better in time!

    • Terry

      I’m sorry for your loss. It’s ok to grieve. Grieving can take many forms, including atypical trips to Target and feeling overwhelmed by tasks that would normally stressful but not incapacitating. I promise that it gets easier with time.

    • The Elms

      I empathize. Big hugs, be kind to yourself and its ok to be miserable. I am heading into the most wonderful/awful months of the year and I am a wreck. I all out sobbed at my desk yesterday (with the door closed). Christmas is the big holiday in my family and it is so special. BUT my grandmother died last year at the end of November, and some years ago my grandfather died just days before Christmas. It makes the holidays very complicated.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m so sorry :(. I know long walks and a chat with a friend help me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I hope you get time for yourself this weekend! Maybe take a mental health day next week?

    • Anonymous

      How is your music? Grab something that has a mantra and pace that can get you through the moment.

      Currently Melanie DeMore has a few beautiful soothing songs that are calming for me. “I Am Sending You Light” is on You Tube.

      Big Hugs!

  11. Miz Swizz

    I’m looking for basically a muscle tee with a scoop neck to layer under my cardigans. Nothing fancy or overly tight, just a simple base layer. Does such a thing exist?

  12. Book Recommendations?

    I’m looking for recommendations for books on Hinduism and Hindu culture. Searching Amazon brings lots of choices, but it is hard to tell what may be useful. I am a sort of Christian dating a Hindu man and want to gain more understanding. He is not religious, but his parents are and I would like to have at least a passing knowledge (understanding that Hinduism is very complex). Thanks in advance for any recommendations.

    • Meg Murry

      I don’t have a specific recommendation, but if you really want an overview first, you might try your library for books aimed at kids to give you a basic framework, and then branch out into books aimed at adults. I feel like sometimes books aimed at adults dive straight into very specific detailed topics, and skip the general overview or leave out the most basic details assuming you already know them.

    • an

      Hindu here. See if you can read the shortened/abridged versions of these:

      The Gita
      Ramayana
      Mahabharata

      Google Amar Chitra Katha comics. You’ll get all of the above in this series. Best way for a non Hindu to absorb what Hinduism is about. It is not so much a religion as a way of life, a philosophy.

    • Married to desi boy

      I’m american/white married to man raised hindu. Years back I bought Hinduism for dummies. It’s a decent overview. But the best thing is to just observe when you go to Hindu events and google stuff you have questions about or, even better, ask your so, his siblings, and cousins. But don’t be shocked if they have no idea what the answers to your questions are (especially if the question starts with “why”). Hinduism is more complex and diverse than most religions, and just as nonsensical (sorry, atheist here). Are you trying to understand the culture or the nitty gritty of the religion itself? Read the bhagavad gita if you want to understand the foundation of the religion, but know that it won’t help you too much with the culture (any more than reading the bible would help a nonchristian get Christian culture).

    • Book Recommendations?

      Thanks everyone, much appreciated. I will hit up the library this weekend for sure. I’m interested in the religion sort of generally, but practically, it is the culture that I am interested in.

      • Anonymous

        I might be too late, but Huxton Smith’s The Worlds Religions is the standard overview of a number of major religions, including hinduism.

    • K

      Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America by Jill Leovy
      Girl at War by Sara Novic
      In the Language of Miracles by Rajia Hassib
      The Children’s Crusade by Ann Packer

  13. Meg Murry

    I went to an event recently where the question was asked “what was the last book you read?” and I realized I haven’t read anything “serious” that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to answer with people I don’t know well. Lately reading has been for only for pleasure, so I’ve read a lot of fluff and trashy romance novels. I’m not ashamed of my reading habits, but I also don’t really want to get into a discussion about the Outlander books as a first impression on people I barely know :-) I do a decent amount of reading online to keep up with current events, but I haven’t read any non-fiction or “serious” fiction in a while.

    Any suggestions for recent non-fiction or “serious” fiction? Or even not so recent that I can put on my to-read list? I tend to prefer books about technology, science, economics or sociology over history or memoirs – although I’m open to hearing an argument for pretty much any good books.

    To start the conversation, here are some of my recommendations:
    For non-fiction that’s older but that I enjoyed, I’d recommend “Nickel and Dimed” by Barbara Ehrenreich, “The Two-Income Trap”, “Freakomonics” and it’s sequels.

    For self-help/career/productivity I’d recommend “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office” (I preferred the first edition to the new revision) and “Getting Things Done” – but I think I’m leaning away from this topic myself for my next read.

    For “serious” fiction recommendations (or at least, not total fluff) “The Handmaid’s Tale” by Margaret Atwood. “In The Unlikely Event” – recent adult novel by Judy Bloom. Any of the fiction books written for adults by Madeleine L’Engle – especially “A Live Coal in the Sea”, which is a sequel to “Camilla”, the young adult novel. “The Circle” was a mixed review for me, but I thought it had an interesting premise even if I’m not sure whether it was overall successful.

    Not serious, but at least something I can recommend to near strangers: Tina Fey’s “Bossypants”, especially the audiobook that she narrates herself.

    Feel free to point me to other recent threads if I’ve missed a conversation on this topic recently

    • Maddie Ross

      Personally, I see nothing wrong with reading solely for pleasure. Aside from some work related periodicals, everything I read is for pleasure and I unabashedly tell people this at events when books are discussed. That said, I do find Malcolm Gladwell’s books interesting and pleasurable, while also intellectual. I mentioned it on here before too, but I really enjoyed “The Boys in the Boat which wasn’t total fluff. Another good one in that category is”Devil in the White City”.

      • Bewitched

        Boys in the Boat was going to be my suggestion too. Non-fiction but a fascinating story!

    • Sparrow

      I love to read, and I just recently discovered free online books via my library. I read “Voyager” a little while ago and then after that “All the Light We Cannot See”. A good mystery/suspense novel is “In a Dark, Dark Wood”. Not sure if these are necessarily serious, but they were good reads!

      • NYC Anon

        I cannot BELIEVE I did not discover free e-books from my library earlier!!! I have spent the whole weekend so far reading :) (On second thought, perhaps this is not a great development for my ability to do anything productive ever)

    • KittyKat

      The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein, also This Changes Everything by her. Fantastic female author tackling hard socioeconomic, environmental ect issues resulting from unfettered capitalism. Obviously this is a know your crowd type thing but most of my peers have read it and its a great conversation piece

    • Mpls

      Actually – Outlander my be pretty topical with the TV show now in the popular consciousness. It’s pretty heavily laden with history and place, so you could do worse. If you like historical fiction, maybe something by David McCullough?

      I really enjoyed Emperor of All Maladies – non-fiction “biography” of cancer. Had what I thought was a really neat mini-tour through the history of scientific inventions/discoveries that are instrumental to the modern diagnosis and treatment of cancer.

      Had a friend recommend Pound Foolish – takes a wide look at the personal finance industry (Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman), whether they follow their own rules (usually not) and what advice is useful and what is merely urban legend.

      • Mpls

        Ooo, or stuff by Malcolm Gladwell (Outliers, Tipping Point) or Michael Lewis (Moneyball)

    • Books books books!

      Mary Roach!!! Science and hilarity. Her books are great.

      I love non-fic and actively avoid fiction that’s not chick lit (weird, I know). Also: Brain on Fire, Days of Rage, The Dorito Effect, and Born to Run are a few I have read recently. Black Brothers Inc., is a fascinating book about the very violent Philadelphia black mafia. If you want another organized crime book to talk about with sports fans, Gaming the Game is on the NBA ref betting scandal.

      • Rogue Banker

        Heartily seconding the rec for Mary Roach! She’s brilliant, her writing is frequently laugh-out-loud-in-the-lunchroom hilarious, and I learned a lot of deep information about some really interesting subjects. 10/10 will read until she stops writing. If I remember right she also did a TED Talk a year or two back?

        On the fictional side, Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett are my two ultimate favorites – both very witty and wordplay-laden, fantastic characters (especially Pratchett), and the occasional bit of social commentary. Ursula Vernon’s (alias T. Kingfisher) work is a little more quirky, but absolutely incredible.

    • padi

      I am like you–I mostly read fluff because it is relaxing. I do occasionally pick up non-fiction and serious fiction to read when I am vacationing.

      If you like Margaret Atwood, her new-ish MaddAddam trilogy starting with Oryx and Crake is a good read. I also like Ann Patchett; any of her books are good but Bel Canto and Run are incredible. I recently read “The Wind-up Bird Chronicle” by Haruki Murakami; it wasn’t my cup of tea but it is many peoples’ favorite novel ever.

      For non-fiction, Asiz Ansari’s book about dating is entertaining. I enjoy Mary Roach’s books on random science topics. For history, I like books that focus on a weird topic like the history of salt or the eruption of Krakatoa.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Bill Bryson. He writes really hilarious books about his travels, as well as occasional other non-fiction topics (though the travel ones are the best).

      But I fall in the “just talk about what you’re really reading” camp. I used to care about that, too, until one day I decided to own that yes, I read a lot of science fiction and fantasy for fun. It turns out so do a lot of people when I bring it up.

      • Anonymous

        Bill Bryson is the best! My favorites are “I’m a stranger here myself” and “Notes from a Small Island” His books are laugh out loud hilarious and good conversation starters. He also has a new book which is only out in the UK which makes me so sad–I want to read it now!

    • Meg Murry

      Thanks everyone, keep the recommendations coming! Oh, and if anyone has a recommendation for a good way to keep track of books to-read other than just a list on your phone, I’m open to suggestions. I keep trying and failing at GoodReads and Amazon wishlists, mainly because I get most of my books from my library.

      For some fluff recommations, I highly recommend Smart B!tches, Trashy Books, and their podcast (called DBSA for Dear B!tches, Smart Authors because iTunes wouldn’t let them have a title with the word B!tches in it). That’s where I’ve gotten most of my recent fluff to-read list – and for Outlander fans, I highly recommend the recent podcast called “Squeeing Over Outlander”.

      • Mpls

        To go along with the Smart B!tches website, also look at Dear Author (Jane from DBSA) for more romance (and occastionally sci-fi) recommendations.

      • shadow

        I also tried goodreads but was terrible about using it.. I use Evernote to keep track of books to read. I either put it as a note, or bookmark the Amazon page, or, if I’m at the bookstore and want to check out the book later at a library, I take a photo of the front cover. I also do this for “things I want to buy” and “places i want to go” etc.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I keep a google docs spreadsheet of books I want to read and books i’ve read, so I can update it where ever I am (though the books I’ve read doesn’t always get updated. The 2013 tab just says “I forgot to add these”)

        • K

          I have a google doc spreadsheet of all the books I’ve read or want to read, too

        • NOLA

          You two are total reading nerds! ;) And you should be friends IRL with Susedna because she would totally do that, too.

      • Lynnet

        I might be late to the game here, but I have the goodreads app on my phone and find it super useful for keeping track of what I’ve read and what I want to read. I used to do the spreadsheet thing mentioned above, but nowadays I spend so little time on my home computer that I really need something I can do on my phone. I’ve basically accepted that goodreads is not useful to me as a catalog of what I own (because I also get so much from the library) but it’s hugely useful as a catalog of what I’ve read/want to read.

        Also, given your recommendations, I think you’d really like Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. It was a National Book Award finalist (so perfectly acceptable to mention in any crowd) set about 20 years after a disease wiped out 99% of the world population. I like to describe it to people who look down on anything with a hint of genre as a post-Apocalypse novel from a Lockean perspective, as opposed to a Hobbesian perspective (e.g. the Walking Dead); but if you’re with people for whom that would sound really stuck up, you can just say it’s an awesome post-apocalypse novel like the Walking Dead.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’ve been getting most of my book recommendations from Book Riot lately, especially their podcasts “All the Books” and “Get Booked.” Their recommendations, on the whole, trend towards “quirky enough to be good but respectable enough to discuss with your mother-in-law,” which it sounds like would fit your particular bill for “stuff to talk about when people ask me what I read.”

      Also, I try to read a couple articles a week from the Atlantic or the New Yorker (content’s free online), partly because I enjoy them and partly because they are usually a good response to “what have you read” in a social setting.

    • K

      Yikes. Posting fail. Reposting from above…

      Ghettoside: A True Story of Murder in America by Jill Leovy
      Girl at War by Sara Novic
      In the Language of Miracles by Rajia Hassib
      The Children’s Crusade by Ann Packer

      • K

        And here are the best non-fiction books I’ve read in the past 10 years (via querying my spreadsheet):
        An Embarrassment of Mangoes by Ann Vanderhoof
        The Day I Turned Uncool by Dan Levin
        Honeymoon with My Brother by Franz Wisner
        Death in Belmont by Sebastian Junger
        Babylon by Bus by Ray Lemoine
        The Know-it-All by A.J. Jacobs
        Pledged by Alexandra Robbins
        Crazy for the Storm by Norman Ollestad (Amazing!)
        Legends of Winter Hill by James Atkinson
        Scoreboard, Baby by Ken Armstron
        The Reading Promise by Alice Ozma
        Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
        Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain
        The Sex Lives of Cannibals by Martin J. Troost
        Freakonomics by Steven Levitt
        After Visiting Friends by Michael Hainey
        Ugly Americans by Ben Mezrich
        The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore
        The Smartest Kids in the World by Amanda Ripley
        The Gatekeepers by Jacques Steinberg
        Trapped Under the Sea by Neal Swidey
        Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
        Ghettoside by Jill Leovy (as mentioned above…)

  14. Sparrow

    Couple of questions…

    1. What is a good place to get personalized holiday cards? I’m doing a low volume and don’t need anything too fancy. I’ve looked at Walgreens and VistaPrint so far, but not sure of other companies.

    2. I have a friend who is into makeup and beauty products. She is expecting her first child next year. I would like to get her something that she can use to pamper herself either during pregnancy or after the baby arrives. Maybe a nice lotion or bubble bath? Or something else?

    Thanks!

    • Maddie Ross

      Man, can you tell I d0n’t want to work this afternoon? I liked the Belli products that are maternity-approved. Another good idea would be some kind of belly balm for stretch marks – Burt’s Bees and other similar places all have those.

    • CHJ

      For holiday cards with photos, Mpix does a nice job. It’s similar to Shutterfly or Snapfish, but the printing is higher quality.

    • Anon

      Vista Print is good if you don’t want to spend a lot. The next level up (in my opinion) is Zazzle – I ordered my Christmas cards from them last year and was happy with them. If you want something higher quality, Mint or Shutterfly have good options.

      • Meg Murry

        One thing to watch out for – Vista Print and some of the other services are fairly cheap per card, but then have long waits for printing and shipping, so you can wind up paying way way more if you aren’t willing to wait 3-4 weeks to get an order. I’d price out a few options all the way through shipping and see the final delivery date before you pick one just based on “X cents per card, that’s way cheaper than the competitors!” because it might not be after all the shipping or other upcharges are done.

    • KinCA

      The Honest Company sells pregnancy-friendly beauty, bath, and skincare products. I got my expecting friend a little gift set from there (I think it was like $30?) and it was a hit.

  15. new cellphone?

    Looking for an affordable smartphone that is unlocked. I mainly use my phone for calling, texting, email and sometimes I watch music videos on Youtube. I will sometimes take pictures but I have a camera for that. My current provider is Walmart Family Mobile. So I am looking for something where I can just transfer the SIM card. I’ve seen some phones on Amazon for ~$100 range. One brand that seems popular is BLU. Has anyone tried it? Any other recommendations?

    • KittyKat

      I love BLU, they are ex-samsung employees trying to shake up the market. Though I’d go with one of their models in the 200 range. If you want to spring their newest Pure XL is the ultimate as far as processor and graphics and storage and well everything, for only 350.

  16. Anonymous

    Suggestions for a short vacation within a reasonable drive of Minneapolis? We have a friend getting married there next August and are trying to get together a group (~6-10 people plus a few dogs, no kids) to do something fun together for 3-5 days afterwards. In general the group likes outdoorsy stuff like hiking, kayaking, and swimming, so I’m thinking a cabin on a lake in northern Minnesota could be really fun but I have no idea about specific places to go.

    • Mpls

      Duluth is awesome. I don’t know what else to say (2 hrs drive north from Mpls-St. Paul). Not as much of the boating-on-the-lake (Superior is really too cold for that), but beautiful scenery and opportunities for hiking. If you’re there late August, you may run into the college kids returning to school, though.

      If you are looking at more of the cabin experience, Brainerd is a good place to start (3-4 hour NW drive from the Mpls-St.Paul metro area) and branch out from there. There are several resorts in that area with hotel-type rooms or townhouse-types to rent.

      August is pretty prime lake time, so definitely plan in advance (the earlier the better) and know that all drive times will increase if you are driving out of the Cities on a Friday afternoon or driving into the Cities on Sunday (we call it cabin traffic).

      • Mpls

        Alternatively, you may also look to see what is available on Lake Minnetonka, which is just west of the cities, and within an hour driving distance. I’m not sure what the rental situation is, since the area is more known for having large/beautiful homes, rather than resorts, but there could be something there.

        But, from the sounds of it, Duluth or Brainerd would be right up your alley.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the info Mpls! We will be there early August and will be heading out of town on a Monday (wedding is on a Sunday night, which is part of the reason we want to turn the trip into a vacation since it will involve time off work no matter what).

        • Mpls

          Happy to help. It’s a lovely state and the Brainerd lakes area and the North Shore (Duluth and beyond) in the late summer are pretty quintessential Minnesota experiences – and the reason most people put up with winter around here :)

  17. Questions re Nurse Practitioner schools

    Is anyone on this s*te a nurse? I thought I would throw this question out there just in case. Basically, I’m a lawyer, DH is an RN/BSN (has been working at a step down unit at a children’s hospital for 3 years), and DH is contemplating where to go with his career in the next couple of years. I know he’s not interested in management or research, necessarily, but is considering Nurse Practitioner schools (or, maybe, becoming a nurse anesthetist).

    I know nothing about the medical education, and would love to get questions answered here (because I don’t want to overly stress my DH by plying him with all of my questions). I was wondering:

    1. Probably a dumb question, but what is the relationship between getting a MSN and becoming a NP? And is getting a doctorate in nursing required/recommended?

    2. What types of NP programs are common? Are part-time NP programs common? Online? Are they all typically 2 years?

    3. How much does the ranking of the specific program matter when applying to jobs?

    4. Are any online NP programs reputable?

    Or, are there any resources that would help me research this stuff on my own? Thanks in advance!

    • NOLA

      NP is becoming more and more the degree for nurse practitioners. Many of the programs are online now and, yes, they are reputable. If you’re interested, email me at nolar3tte@gmail.com (with an e in place of the 3) and I can pass on your questions to some experts in that field.

      • NOLA

        Oops, I mean DNP is becoming the degree for nurse practitioners. I think you can still do it with a master’s degree, but it’s because less and less so.

    • Duchess

      So I’ll try to help you as much as I can. I am not an NP, but my sister is, and we lived together while she was getting her MSN.

      1) MSN is the degree. At some colleges, RNs can get BSNs. My understanding is that the MSN is just the NP equivalent. Her school did offer a PhD, but that is really only if you want to do research, which you said your husband has already ruled out, so definitely not necessary.

      2) You can definitely find full-time, part-time, and online courses. 2 years is typical, but there are some VERY good schools (like Vanderbilt, where my sister went) that will allow you to get your MSN in one year if you already have your RN.

      3) My understanding here is not much. There are great schools that look good to anyone in the medical community, but typically, if you graduate with good grades and pass the licensing exams (NCLEX, I believe?), you’re fine. Going to school nearby you should be more than sufficient even if it isn’t the top ranked school.

      4) Vanderbilt offers online and it’s the number 1 ranked school for several specialities, so yes, I think it definitely can be. I know at Vanderbilt (I’m sorry this is all so specific to this one school, but it’s all I know!) does most of the classes online, but requires something like one week a semester in person. Then when you are doing all your in-hospital or in-clinic, whatever, work you can do that near your home and just get it signed off and sent back to the school.

      • Minneapolis

        As an NP I will clarify what Vanderbilt said- some of your info is a little off, but the two degrees are confusing. In the past all nurse practitioner obtained a masters degree in nursing with specialty in family nurse practitioner, geriatric nurse practitioner, etc- when then qualifies you to take the certifying/licensing exam to be an NP. There was always a Ph.D in nursing for research and education career paths. Now, there is a Doctorate in Nursing practice which is a new terminal degree/doctorate for clinical focused NPs, not necessarily education/research focused. In my area the DNP is respected and would help in a academic or administrative/leadership job but is absolutely not necessary for getting a good clinical job at this point, that may change if the market becomes saturated. I would recommend anyone interested in becoming a NP to go to the most affordable school that would allow for networking and help with finding clinical sites, you can always go back for a DNP or PhD later.

    • Minneapolis

      To be a nurse practitioner you can get a masters or a doctorate. If you are in a city with lots of job openings for NP/PA the choice of degree, type of school does not matter much. I work for a large health system as an NP and have colleagues from online schools, more prestigious brick and mortar schools, smaller state schools, etc. If the market is more saturated which I suspect it will become I think school choice will matter more. I would avoid in general For-profit schools such as Walden, I have heard many negative comments from people in healthcare jobs. People from these schools are still able to find jobs, it just may be the less- desirable jobs. A degree as a family nurse practitioner makes you much more employable than a pediatric nurse practitioner. I went to the most ” prestigious ” well-known school in my state for my NP program and wish I would’ve gone to a more affordable program, although my salary is six figures after a year of employment.

    • OP

      Thank you to all three who have replied thus far (and NOLA, I may e-mail once I’m no longer in the office, thank you for the offer).

    • Coach Laura

      My daughter is in her last semester of nursing school and she finds info on allnurses[dot]com to be helpful. Like any online forum it has good and bad advice but there is a strong core of experienced NPs and people with doctorates who are helpful.

  18. RED

    What are your favorite cashmere or merino cardigans from? I just want a black long-sleeved crewneck cardigan that is slim fitting (preferably French or Italian sizing) and that lasts. Ideally under $400. I was thinking maybe TSE or Eric Bompard and would love to hear feedback on these two brands or any other brands you recommend.

    • Eliza

      I have several Eric Bompard sweaters that I love. Well made and a fair price. Shipping to the US is surprisingly reasonable. If you’re looking for a slim fit, take a look at the ‘Hug’ collection sweaters. They’re nice and sleek.

      The website lists dimensions of each style. I’ve compared their chart with the pieces I have and it’s very accurate.

    • MJ

      Brora, bu that might not be under $400 with exchange rate to GBP.

      August Cashmere at Bloomies is pretty slender but not highest quality.

      For a looser one, I would try Land’s End, Lord & Taylor or Boden, all great quality.

  19. PSA about Uniqlo

    Uniqlo is having an amazing sale this weekend through Sunday! Deals start at $5 and women’s blouses are only $5.90. Some of their down jackets are also on sale. I don’t work for them or anything but I love everything at Uniqlo…!

    • TBK

      I went to a Uniqlo store for the first time recently and O.M.G.! I bought a gorgeous thick 100% wool pullover sweater for $20! Twenty frickin dollars! I tried on other things, too, but several of them ran very small in a sort of junior sizes way. I was only sorry the rest of my family wasn’t with me. The men’s stuff looked really nice (and definitely Mr. TBK’s style) and so did the kids’. There’s one supposed to open in Northern Virginia next year and I’m very excited about.

  20. Baconpancakes

    Hey LondonLeisureYear or anyone else interested in gift planning – just remembered there’s a ton of other people I don’t know particularly well whom I need to shop for – namely, a 10-year old girl, 12-year old girl (neither are particularly girly but definitely not tomboys either), a 17-year old boy, and a 27-year old guy who hasn’t really found his path yet – considering going to law school, currently bartends for a living. Did you guess they’re my SO’s family? You were right!

    Seriously, help. I have no idea what to get these people. Preferably cheap, as I’m in grad school!

    Also, whomever, the anon who recommended the branding iron – GENIUS.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      10-year old girl / 12 year old girl-
      Coloring books for adults are really in this year with a nice set of pens
      The journals that are 642 things to draw, write etc
      Hat and mitten set
      If there is an amusement park or water park near by – gift card for that
      Ms. Marvel – super progressive new comic book series – http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ms-Marvel-Volume-No-Normal/dp/078519021X
      Jamberry fingernail covers

      17-year old boy –
      leatherman
      a bunch of 1 dollar bills taped together in a huge box with a brick. Confuse him.
      If you know what phone he has – mophie or similar thing to keep it always charged
      Pick Master – it makes guitar picks
      Remote control helicopter: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00F4WMAI4/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00F4WMAI4&linkCode=as2&tag=acoj-20&linkId=2N2FHXX67N76YA4B

      27-year old guy –
      whirly pop
      blue apron gift card
      Gift card to everlane
      French press + good coffee beans

      For anyone on the list:
      Wham-O-Trac Ball Racket Game
      Anywhere Table Tennis http://t.dickssportinggoods.com/product/index.jsp?productId=13008809
      Pixar Shorts DVD
      Zingerman’s Brownies
      Gift card to the movies + snacks to sneak into movie theaters
      Poo-dough
      Selfie stick – because either they will think its cool or ironic but they will all use it at some point
      New Humans of New York Book

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I tried to reply to this and every single time it ended up in moderation. I have no idea what was blocking it.

      • LondonLeisureYear

        10-year old girl / 12 year old girl-
        Coloring books for adults are really in this year with a nice set of pens
        The journals that are 642 things to draw, write etc
        Hat and mitten set
        If there is an amusement park or water park near by – gift card for that
        Ms. Marvel –new comic book series
        Jamberry fingernail covers

        17-year old boy –
        Leatherman
        a bunch of 1 dollar bills taped together in a huge box with a brick. Confuse him.
        If you know what phone he has – mophie or similar thing to keep it always charged
        Pick Master – it makes guitar picks
        Remote control helicopter – amazon has one for 15 bucks.

        27-year old guy –
        whirly pop
        blue apron gift card
        Gift card to everlane
        French press + good coffee beans

        For anyone on the list:
        Wham-O-Trac Ball Racket Game
        Anywhere Table Tennis – Dick’s Sport goods has one for 20 bucks
        Pixar Shorts DVD
        Zingerman’s Brownies
        Gift card to the movies + snacks to sneak into movie theaters
        Poo-dough
        Selfie stick – because either they will think its cool or ironic but they will all use it at some point
        New Humans of New York Book

      • LondonLeisureYear

        For anyone on the list:
        Wham-O-Trac Ball Racket Game
        Anywhere Table Tennis – Dick’s Sport goods has one for 20 bucks
        Pixar Shorts DVD
        Zingerman’s Brownies
        Gift card to the movies + snacks to sneak into movie theaters
        Poo-dough
        Selfie stick – because either they will think its cool or ironic but they will all use it at some point
        New Humans of New York Book

    • NYtoCO

      LondonLeisureYear– I feel like we’re all going to have to start paying you for this but if you really do like coming up with gifts I would LOVE your recommendations (and also– you should start a business)

      MIL, very wealthy but doesn’t buy much for herself, probably has specific tastes but would never indicate she didn’t like a gift. Loves cooking and is an amazing gardener, but already has many things in those categories (especially cooking).

      FIL, similar to MIL. Loves scotch (but don’t want to get him a bottle). Probably wouldn’t like anything too “creative” if that makes sense.

      SIL, similar to both above (lol). Majored in art history, currently works as an appraiser. Probably nothing beauty related.

      These people are all SO hard to shop for!!! TIA if you get to this, you’re the best. $75-100 for each, give or take, would be perfect.

      • Nony

        For the MIL, there’s a spice subscription box. $6 a month. It would be cooking, but expendable and not something to store. It may be things she doesn’t have, and any reruns could just be eaten.

  21. Anonymous

    I am currently suffering from PPD. I am being treated and such. Have not told work for obvious reasons. Things are better, I think less about wanting to die than I used to and I’ve lost some weight.

    At my last workplace evaluation I was told I looked “frumpy” or “dishevelled”. I told them sorry and that I would work on it and to get back to me in two weeks about whether or not I got it together.

    I’ve taken some immediate steps to clean that up… New haircut, new shoes and I’m trying to work on the wardrobe. Can someone suggest a workplace style blog for larger women (currently a 12). I just don’t find that the blogs for size 4s translate to the larger sizes. Formal workplace. Close toe, suits etc.

    • Bl

      First of all, good luck. That’s tough. Second, caphillstyle is pretty good about offering plus size options. Third, and you may be looking for something fancier, but consider going to the mall (I used Macy’s for this), finding the saleswoman most built like you, and explain you need help and work in a formal office. She may help. I did that when I needed an interview suit, and actually ended up pretty pleased. Finally, I generally like suit dress suits. It’s easier, creates a smooth visual line, looks good with the jacket not done up, and avoids the gapping/see through shells problems associated with business formal wear and being busty. Good luck!

      • Another anonymous judge

        May I just offer you my most absolutely sincere admiration for seeking treatment for your PPD? You should be SO proud of yourself.

        Secondly, who on earth (I want to use different language), uses the word “frumpy” in a professional workplace evaluation? What year is this again? Idiots.

        Also size 12 – larger? Um, no, normal and healthy, and having just created and given birth to another human being. Darling, cut yourself some slack. You are doing amazing.

        However, I don’t think it is frivolous to say that looking after your wardrobe and your appearance CAN help you to feel better too. I am in Canada but hear great things about the magical personal shoppers at Nordstrom. Or you could just keep reading this blog which has some decent fashion advice for those of us of all sizes, and you could post occasionally so the rest of us and keep telling you how wonderful you truly are.

        I meant it. Give yourself one iota of the credit you deserve. Where is Godzilla these days? Seriously whoever told you this should be on the receiving end of some of that wrath.

        Love from the frozen North.

        • OP

          I cried when I read this. It was the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while.

          It’s hard to explain how much of a difference your words really made to me but they really did mean a lot. So thank you.

          • Another anonymous judge

            I’m so glad, but these words are all just simply true and, I assure you, deserved, so no thanks are necessary. I’ve been there (without the dreadful workplace) and I am here to tell you there is light at the end of this tunnel. You’ll get there and be even more proud of yourself than we are of you right now. Hang in there. Post again if you need to hear more cheering from us!

        • No kidding!

          Yeah, unless your job has some requirement for a certain level of polish (I.e., newscaster), “frumpy” is such an inappropriate critique at a performance review. You are doing great, and I’m sure you’ll continue getting better.

          For the blog rec, I really like Franish. She recently wrote a post about being an “in between” blog bc she’s neither small nor plus size. I think she’s an 8-10. She’s not business formal but has some great business casual looks.

      • Rose

        Some Macy’s have personal shoppers. No pressure, and will work with a budget. I’ve used them before.

        But I wanted to tell you ok sorry for what your going through and clearly (though you may not see it right now) your company could have addressed whatever issues they perceived in a much more tactful manner. I’m a life long sufferer of major depression so I understand how difficult it can be to pull yourself together for work, when breathing is difficult.

    • Also in Academia

      No great blog ideas, but Talbot works great for my post baby body. Once you figure out what size you are, you can just order with impunity. Also, frumpy is not a legitimate job evaluation comment, particularly when leveled at a new mom. That sucks, and I’m sorry it happened to you.

  22. anonymous

    Debating moving from suburb of Los Angeles to the Portland area… any advice/thoughts? (Currently, my work is remote so that’s not an issue, though I am interested in the job market there since jobs aren’t always forever.)

    Thanks!

    • Ruby

      well just that there is about zero work in portland compared to L.A., so be sure you can move again, or that your remote work will be consistent. portland’s lovely, but seattle/sf/la have Way Way Way more jobs. unless you are in healthcare, barista/cafe service, or a few other limited things, or work at Nike, there are almost no employers in Portland. sure that sounds like an overstatement but really there are few positions there and a gazillion people who want them.

      • Ruby

        I’m in Seattle… that can be a good alternative to Portland coming from L.A…. I (nerd) analyzed the entire west coast when leaving NYC for west looking at job markets, cost of living, quality of life, etc etc. Seattle’s pretty great on most counts though not perfect. Most CA locations have pretty big drawbacks in my view. Portland really is just so limited in work and also I find it to be too homogenous for me but I love to visit it. Vancouver’s great but well also little work and insane housing cost (like Portland and CA combined!)… PNW setting in general though is just wonderful, so many stunning things about it and I found a community of people I click with better than anywhere I’ve ever lived. I travel a lot, and always come home and think: this is the greatest area on earth. That’s a good feeling:) CA has a lot of good too of course.

      • cbackson

        I couldn’t deal with the weather in the PNW, but I strongly agree that Seattle is going to offer far more options in terms of employment than Portland. The unemployment rate in both is low (although Seattle’s significantly lower), but underemployment is a serious issue in Portland in my experience. There are lots of service industry jobs, but not as many professional options.

        I found both Seattle and Portland kind of unsettlingly homogenous in terms of ethnicity and socioeconomic class, but again, Seattle is better than Portland in that respect. There can also be an annoying degree of self-satisfaction with the moral superiority of the Pacific Northwest (which results in some folks being blind to the aforementioned homogeneity). Cost of living is very high, although lower than NYC or SF, and the public schools in the city are surprisingly lower in quality than you would expect for a lefty city, although many of the suburban districts are very good. But the quality of life in Seattle is great in a lot of ways – good public transit, beautiful outdoor stuff, wonderful public parks, LGBT friendly, high civic involvement, fantastic libraries…there’s a ton to like.

  23. Rose

    Question about grad school benefits as alumni. I have an MBA, so in asking more from that perspective than a JD.

    My school lets us audit any class we want provided that there is room available and we get the professors approval. I only graduated last year, and haven’t taken advantage of this yet.

    Does anyone’s school have a similar benefit and have you taken advantage of it?

  24. Weekender

    Anyone have any tips on waking up early on the weekends? I know I’m happier when I start my day early but my sleepy brain always convinces myself to sleep for way too long. With Daylight Savings Time, I really want to get in as much sunshine as possible. Plus when I sleep in I always feel sort of crummy for the rest of the day.

    • Brit

      If you have pets, they make great fuzzy alarms. My two cats have been trained basically that my alarm will go off at 6a and they get fed right then. On the weekends, by about 6:30 they’re a little whiny.

    • Monte

      Are you getting enough sleep? There is nothing wrong with getting more sleep if your body is deprived during the week. But assuming that isn’t the issue, I try to come up with reasons I need to get up. Running with a group or an early fitness class is one way. On days I don’t do that, I like to get coffee and read a book or the paper at the local coffee shop. That is impossible if I sleep late — my favorite places are packed by 9:30, but are comfy and leisurely at 7am.

      Sadly, my cat likes sleeping in even more than I do.

  25. Anon

    Does anyone get a bit nervous when you just start dating someone new? I think I really like this guy but then I get so nervous and overwhelmed that I think it’s starting to cloud my judgement and I try to make excuses why he’s really not the right guy for me. For instance, great date last night. I couldn’t stop blabbering to my friends and was thinking about him for a while after / this morning. He sent a sweet follow-up today and I’m feeling too overwhelmed about him to answer. For what it’s worth I did experience some heartbreak in the not so distant past…

    • Lavender

      I don’t think they are juvenile and I definitely don’t think they will look juvenile on a 28 year old.

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