ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

winter hatSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Ladies, we haven't talked about winter hats in far too long — which are your favorites? I feel like I am perpetually on the hunt for a good one. Last year (or two years ago) I found a pretty knit hat at Old Navy that was lined with fleece on the inside, which I liked for warmth — but it has not held up well at all. I'm currently wearing a slouchy beanie like the pictured one (on sale for $21 at Nordstrom), which is fine. What are your favorites — what material do you like for warmth, durability and static, and what styles do you think are the most flattering? Do you think you ever “age out” of certain styles, like pom poms? Pictured: Halogen® Metallic Cashmere Blend Beanie, $21.98 at Nordstrom in black, gray and white. (L-all)  

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

333 Comments

  1. We are headed into rainy season here on the West Coast. Any suggestions for quality rainboots that are not Hunter/Aigle (I find both terribly uncomfortable) and suitable for feet with high arches. Anyone have BOGs or Le Chameau? I have read that BOGS are not very nice for high arches. Thanks

    1. Have you tried Tretorns? I don’t find most rainboots too comfortable b/c of the rubber on the back of my leg but I have relatively high arches and liked Tretorns when I tried them

    2. I have Le Chameau and high arches and routinely wear them for full days of city walking with no issues.

    3. I have a pair of BOGS and they are fairly flat on the inside. I have really high arches and don’t think they’d be that comfortable for long periods of time.

    5. OOOHHH I absolutely lovelovelove Kamiks!!! I know I sound overexcited but they’re seriously that good. You can get them for $30-40 on Amazon. I also have very high arches and the Kamiks are comfortable enough for miles of walking.

  2. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and rabbit fur hat’s!

    Grandma Leyeh gave me an old enormus Rabbit Fur hat that her husband, Grampa Sidney used to wear when he rode the Staten Island Ferry and met Grandma Leyeh after she had to clean some pidgeon droppings off her. She always’ tells that story b/c he was the one who came to her rescue wearing this big rabbit fur hat to clean the droppings off her head and shoulder’s. FOOEY she said, but she fell in love with him for cleaning her up wearing that hat! I still have it, but it is way to big for my head. Rosa wanted it for Ed, but Ed said he would look like a Kozzak if he were to go to Merril Lynch wearing that hat and they would brand him as a SOCIALIST!

    Well I still have a soft spot in my heart for Grampa Sidney, who used to pinch me when I was a littel girl, but NOT in inapropriate places like my cousins from Eastern Europe. Sidney was a ladies man in his day (the 1940’s and 1950’s) and he wound up marrying Grandma Leyeh when their hormone’s required that hapening.

    Now Dad think’s that I should honor Grampa Sidney and Grandma Leyeh by naming my first born Sidney. I said I would if I could get a guy to MARRY me. Now I am just thinkeing that with my free cash flow, I can do it all myself via Artificieal Insemination, but I would really need a man to bring up our child. I will be meeting Myrna’s freind’s freind tonite, so mabye he will be the one. I hope he finds me attractive and asks me to go out again, but I will NOT throw myself at him. He mentioned the SUPERBOWL, so I told him about my new HTDV. He said he has one also, but would like to see my SAMSUNG.

    I hope the HIVE survived today’s snow storm. I already have 11,372 step’s so I can take the subway home if I want today, Dad says, if I excercise on my Ellyptical. YAY!!!!!

    1. Good luck with this guy–whatever his name is. Don’t give it up too fast as guys who get it on the first date often won’t come back for a second time.

      1. Debbie is right. You must keep him waiting for at least a month. If he’s a keeper, he will wait for you to give him access. Anyone who think he is ‘entitled’ to your private parts after a meal is not a suitable mate for anyone.

  3. I’d appreciate some insight from the hive.

    I’m in my 30s, but only graduated from law school a couple years ago. I’ve recently started as an associate at a firm. They have super aggressive plans to grow the practice over the next few years. As part of that growth plan, they hired three new associates. Over the last couple months, we’ve each averaged billing about 10 hours of work per week. That’s not enough work to keep even one of us employed, much less three, but leadership is very on board with growing the practice, so we don’t exactly fear for our jobs.

    There’s a weird dynamic at play: none of the senior attorneys is located in this office, so we associates are out of sight, out of mind when it comes to work. We feel like we’re constantly asking for assignments, but we’ll only get a short 2 hour assignment and then nothing else. The higher ups on the weekly calls all seem to have enough work.

    This is a professional situation I’ve never encountered before and I’m not sure how to navigate it and what hidden pitfalls there might be. I’ve started looking for another job, not only because I hate not doing anything all day long, but because this situation just makes me uneasy. Would you wait it out with the assurances that work is coming?

    FWIW, this is a major organization with millions in profits, not a small firm with financial troubles.

    1. By “practice,” I should clarify that I mean our area of the law. The firm as a whole does lots of other things.

    2. I think you’re smart to be job searching. I also think you should be asking everyone senior to you (so, basically, everyone, including associates) for work. If yo are on calls with partners who have work, I’m not sure why you’re not reaching out to them for work. Call them directly, introduce yourself and ask for work. I don’t care what they say about “growing the practice.” A law firm is a business and if your billings are a fraction of your salary, it is not profitable for them to keep you around.

      1. I agree. I’d also look for work outside your specific practice group. You’re a young enough attorney that your skills/knowledge are transferable to other areas. At the end of the day, billable hours are billable hours.

      2. +1 to all of this. At some point, the firm may decide to cut its losses, so I would be job searching now. And billing 10 hrs. a week on the regular is not helping your career development either.

    3. I would try to get some face time (or, failing that, a phone meeting) with the highest ranking person with whom you have had a relationship. That might be the person who you report to, interviewed with, assigned you the most deals. Instead of discussing how to get more work, talk about what that person thinks would be the best thing that you can do to develop your skills during this “ramp up” time. For example – Writing articles, doing research, pro bono, community board membership. Maybe there’s a Coursera class you could complete (self-study, online, free) in tax law, accounting, estate planning, etc., related to an area in which you have an interest. Or study for the project manager certification (PMP), HR certification, CPA, CMA. Then set some goals and knock out some objectives.

      However, I do think that you should be looking for another job because I’ve seen initiatives like this that don’t work and you are, as you’ve pointed out, uneasy that you could be the casualty of this strategy, if it fails. Use the time to network too, not just job hunt.

      Good luck!

    4. Even if you’re not worried about losing your job, I’d be worried about not gaining experience and skills- 10 hours a week ends up with you WAY behind your peers at firms for skills and experience

    5. Can you travel to the head offices with partners who have the work you need and/or control your continued existence at the firm? I would book a trip to the main office(s) and introduce yourself face to face and schmooze. You clearly have the time and it may give you a leg up on your colleagues when it comes to layoffs.

    6. I agree with the advice you’ve received so far, but there is a point where you just get sick of asking for work. If I were you, I’d get my CLEs completed, maybe study for another bar, and try and figure out what practice areas most interests you, and network like crazy with the goal of seeing what’s out there. Nothing wrong with telling an employer you want to do more and work harder than you are able to do in your current position. It would be music to my ears.

    2. You made my day! (And I added nutella to my post-work shopping list. Would never have believed it before we got married/ moved in but DH will occasionally eat it with a spoon.)

      1. I can no longer buy Nutella because I eat it straight out of the jar. And finish it way too quickly.

  5. Does anyone here have experience with curology? My acne has gotten worse lately and I’m considering more drastic measures than the over the counter stuff I have been using, but finding a good derm is hard, and the wait for an appointment is always crazy. This seems like a good middle solution. Has anyone used it?

    1. It’s nonsense and you know it. Stop telling yourself you need a “good” derm. It’s acne. They can all handle it. Start calling everyone in your network until you get an apt. Don’t waste your money!

      1. As someone who has suffered from acne for the past 2 decades… Most derms actually suck when it comes to acne. They will usually provide some sort of retin a and an antibiotic–which doesnt always work for everyone (me). I have always lived in big cities and have sought out the best experts and only ever found 1 dr that helped and he retired when I was 14. Op for what it’s worth, for me, bc has helped (hated the other side affects), accutane also helped for a couple of years, and now I’m just super careful what I put on my face (check your makeup- Clinique has a great one for acne)… Also weirdly enough I didn’t get even 1 zit while pregnant.

      2. Agree with Anon0321 – I had terrible acne from 13-24, and every derm I went to prescribed the same stuff. For some reason, no one with horrifying acne seems to ever become a dermatologist, so they assume that you’re just blowing it out of proportion and it can’t possibly be as bad as you describe.

        I got it under control with a mixture of heavy benzol peroxide, BC, and antibiotics, but since you can’t stay on the antibiotics for 10 years, eventually had to give that up, and used Accutane. That brought it down to a level that I could handle with some good products – the derm was no help, really, other than writing the prescription. I’m not even sure they let you use Accutane anymore, but it’s what worked. If it’s not god-awful, or even if it is, I’d recommend trying non-drying cleaning agents – I’ve used a non-soap herbal scrub and tea tree toner (from Lush) and retinol with occasional benzol peroxide on hormonal pimples since my skin calmed a little bit from the Accutane, and I’m really happy with my skin now. My 30-something friends who are still on harsh salicylic acid regimes have skin that is constantly irritated, so I’m suspicious of that.

        Not sure about Curology, sorry I can’t help in that regard.

    3. Yes. It is amazing. I was having some trouble with hormonal acne, which, ironically, they said was the one type of acne that you can’t always fix from the outside. Curology (i started when it was pocketderm) has completely changed my skin. Like you, my skin was just getting worse and I wasting so much time researching over the counter products and trying different fixes. They completely changed all of that for me. The doctors are super accessible and knowledgeable, and it is very affordable for what you get = advice + great prescription product.

      I have basically no acne now, and when I do get one tiny pimple, it is gone almost immediately. I would recommend Curology to anyone for the anti-aging too. As you may know, some main ingredients are great for both, and the overall texture and evenness of my skin has changed for the better!

    4. Go to a dermatologist. I previously suffered bad adult acne. I had the same issues as the other posters that derms didn’t always understand what I was suffering and always prescribed me some kind of oral, bezo cream, and a retin cream. However, it was not until I started documenting my skin in pictures that my appointments and treatment started to work for me. Take pictures of your skin when it is bad, take pictures when it is in the middle and show them to your derm. This helps them determine if you are atypical and what treatment to give you. I highly recommend not spending your money (I have been there). I went to my recent dermatologist with my pictures and my bag full of creams and washes that I had been using (make sure you tell them what you have tried), and was immediately told that what I thought was treating my skin was not good enough (think salycic acid over the counter/fancy things from Neiman Marcus).

      Remember, it also takes a lot of trial and error, which can be annoying and frustrating. I for one have tried 10 different versions of the same type of cream until I finally found the right formula for my skin. I now have prescription sulfer face soap, 0nexton (which is new and great) and a more gentile retin A cream that doesn’t mess with my PH. It is also helpful to see a derm. once you get acne under control for scars (if you have any) or for professional facials or peels.

  6. I’ve been listening to a lot of Dave Ramsey stuff. I know many people have issues with some of his advice and strategies regarding money (no credit cards, etc.), but omg, you guys, just listening makes me feel better about my own life. I know that’s harsh, but it’s true, and sometimes we all need it. SO MANY PEOPLE, whether they make 20K or 200K, are so dumb with money. The way he dresses them down is so satisfying.

    Signed,

    Paying off 95K in student loans very aggressively which makes me feel like I have no life but omg at least I don’t buy crap I don’t need and can’t afford.

    1. I love his podcast. I agree completely, it’s definitely not financial advice for everyone, and he does have a very strong Christian bias, but he owns it and is consistent with it. I’m considering switching to his envelope system for some of my expenses just to see if it really makes a difference (although I’ll still pay for things like gas with a credit card. Too much hassle to go into the store and pre-pay, plus, I need gas to go to work. Not really something I feel like I need to scrimp on).

      1. I use an app based envelope system (Goodbudget) so it works fine with credit cards

        1. Thanks for the rec. I don’t like to link any of my bank accounts/CCs to budgeting software because of security reasons (not to say that the site, or any other site is particularly insecure, but I like to reduce the number of places that have my personal information). I do manually enter all my transactions into my own excel sheet, however. I still want to see if it’s the cash that makes a difference for stuff like groceries and eating out and shopping.

          1. I use YNAB, which is also partially based on the envelope system. I don’t link my accounts and manually enter everything. I think using physical envelopes and cash can really make a difference. I put everything on my cards to get the points though (Dave Ramsey would hate me!) but treat it like a debit card and pay the balance at least once a week.

            I’m also an atheist and do like to listen to Dave Ramsey’s podcast, most of the time. Sometimes I find him or his callers really annoying and I have to take a break or skip ahead though. I do credit him and Clark Howard with really helping me get better with my finances.

          2. I agree, the idea of linking accounts to apps makes me wary. I input everything by hand, generally while walking away from the cashier desk where I just spent money.

      3. I’m an atheist who usually can’t handle anything religious. But somehow his Bible stuff doesn’t bother me because the rest of it is so smart.

    2. I love listening to him too. Not a Christian, but the religious stuff is fine with me. He gets a little political, which makes me cringe. But I generally love the advice he gives.
      Have you tried looking into mr. Money mustache? Started reading him recently and it changed my whole outlook on life. In some was he and Ramsey are total opposites, but they both help motivate me to reframe how I look at money. Awesome for you and good luck.

  7. Finances question – I have two student loans.

    Both are around the same value, but one is at 3.5%, the other at 6.5%. The interest is deductible on the second loan, but not on the first one.

    If I lost my job, I’d still have to make payments on the first loan, but not on the second loan (they would just pause payments, and I wouldn’t accrue extra interest, until I found another job).

    Right now, I pay the minimum on the first loan, and throw everything at the second, but I’ve been thinking of switching that. Because I can deduct the interest on the second one, and I wouldn’t have to pay it if I lost my job, I think I’m doing this wrong, and I should be throwing everything at the first loan, and paying the minimum on the other loan. Thoughts?

    1. Some questions to ask yourself might help you clarify your thinking: How secure is your job? How much do you have in reserve funds to fall back on in case of job loss (or do you have a partner who works too)? How easy is it for you to find a new job? How much, in terms of actual dollars, would the interest deduction save you on your taxes if you paid the max on the 2nd loan, versus how much more would you pay in interest if you paid the max on the 1st loan?

      1. Well, I think my plan would be to pay the interest and a bit of principle on the first one, so I’d still get the deduction, but to focus on paying off the second one.

        I don’t have a partner, and I do have an emergency fund and some money saved for retirement (I’m in my 20s, so not a ton, but I’ve started). The job market is currently not great, and while I feel security in my job, you never know.

        I just think the mental ease of paying off the lower interest one might be worth it, but I’d end up paying more interest on the higher interest one in the long term .

        They’re both theoretically 10 year repayment schedules, but both have flexible payment terms (in that it’s easy for me to vary the amount of my payment), and there is no end due date, so they’re more akin to a line of credit than true loans

        1. I don’t understand. If you can pay them both off completely within 2 years, pay off the lower interest rate one first for the security of it. If you won’t be able to pay them both off for say 5-8 years, I’d make double payments on both.

    2. We need to know how much each of the loans is; what the payment term is (ten years? 20 years?) and what your salary is.

    3. Assuming they have about the same minimum payment, pay off the highest interest loan first. The interest deduction is mostly useless. The most you can deduct per year is 2500 and that begins phasing out around 60k or so and phases out completely at some threshold which is around 75000 per year I think. Coupling this with the marginal tax rate at 60k per year of about 20% means, assuming you get the best possible benefit with no phase out, is $500 per year. Thats not nothing, but it’s not much. And if you make over the total phaseout threshold, you get to deduct nothing at all.

      Better insurance against job loss when it comes to loans is just stockpiling an emergency fund rather than judging which debt will mess you up the least if you lose your job and can’t pay it. You’ll still owe the money on the second loan even if you lose your job, so a few months interest and a little more breathing room if you lose your job is not a good deal on exchange for a guaranteed loss of 3% annually if you pay off the first loan first instead of the second.

      That all being said, if the loans have vasrly different minimum payments, you might pay off the first loan first if its minimum payment is substantially higher than the second one, for two reasons. First, when it is paid off, you’ll have higher monetary liquitity. Second, you’ll lower your debt to income ratio more significantly when the bigger minimum payment loan is paid off, which is important for getting approved for loans and for getting better rates on loans. That being said, even still, it still probably wouldn’t be worth the 3% guaranteed loss.

      In short, pay off the higher interest loan first and save some cash.

  8. Hive, I need some advice and encouragement. I recently started a new job, as it turns out under a lot of turmoil (e.g. the person who hired me was fired a couple weeks before I started and our whole organization is being restructured). This is coming on the heels of some bad past professional experiences including having my boss fired and other major restructuring. Now that I’m a little more geared up, I want to be proactive in having a conversation with my new boss for a couple of reasons:

    – Clarify my roles and responsibilities, especially ones that led me to take this job in the first place (it’s not clear from the way the new org is being structured that those things would still be part of my role).
    – Be up front about my near-, mid-, and long-term career goals and determine if there is a path to achieving them (something I never do and have lived to regret).

    This conversation is a really big deal to me, since it’s part of a larger growth phase in my personal life where I’m trying to be more proactive about identifying and voicing what I want. I’m recognizing that I’ve spent nearing 4 decades scared to even let myself acknowledge I might have wants while also hoping that passively my needs and wants would be met.

    So I’m really looking for both concrete advice and encouragement for having this conversation. I don’t think this is an unreasonable way to start a job, but I also don’t want to be overbearing. Even basic advice like how to frame this conversation and what to say/not say would be helpful.

    2. I’ve been in the situation of having the person hire you get fired soon after starting. First of all, I’m sorry – it’s just kind of rotten luck that you have to navigate this. Good for you for wanting to be proactive.

      The single most important thing you can do with this conversation is win over the new boss and make them your advocate. Think about it from their perspective: they didn’t hire you and they don’t have the same kind of investment in you that the person who hired you did. So what would normally be a “clarifying my role and communicating goals conversation” with a normal boss has now become almost an “interview” with new boss. I’d approach it with that mindset.

      Acknowledge the awkwardness of the reshuffling. Try to avoid “when I was hired, I was promised…” Things have changed and you and new boss are writing a new script here. Let new boss know you are looking forward to working for them. Ask some open-ended questions so new boss does a lot of talking. After they’ve described your role, lay out some additional roles and responsibilities you are interested in and see how open they are to incorporating. And then share some long-term growth areas you are focused on and ask if they align with the company long-term. For example:

      “Thanks for taking the time to meet. I know this is a big time of change in our company. I want you to know that I was really excited to start at company X – and I still am. I’m looking forward to working for you. I want to make sure I have a good understanding of your expectations. What do you want me to focus on post-reorganization? How do you see my role? I’m also really good at X, Y and Z – can I work in those areas as well? Where do you see me going long-term? I’m interested in growing in X, Y and Z. Are those priorities for the company long-term?” And then close out reiterating what you’ve agreed to and putting into action. “That’s great that you want me doing X, Y and Z. How do I get started?” Or if no answers yet, setting a deadline. “I certainly understand if we don’t have all of the answers right now. Would March be a good time to regroup?”

      Answers to those open-ended questions should be pretty informative about whether they have a long-term plan for you – or are willing to write one you like. If so, just focus your energy on making new boss your advocate so you can grow. If not, do the best you can at this job while putting out the feelers for a new job. The most proactive thing you can do for yourself is communicating what you want and having the courage to move on if it’s not there.

      Good luck!

  9. Happy Friday, everyone! I know this is so dependent on personal preference and fit, but does anyone have a brand and style of running shorts they love? Looking for something loose (not spandex) made of a water/sweat wicking fabric. I’ve always called them running shorts, but anything that meets those requirements would do. TIA!

    1. The Nike “Tempo” running shorts are a staple of mine! I’ve found that they are super comfortable and hold up very well.

    2. Lululemon speed shorts, only shorts where I don’t chafe. Oiselle’s rogas are also good.

        1. Yup. Speed shorts are a little too short for me but I love my Trackers & Run Times shorts.

      3. +1 for the Speeds. I have a bunch of the Nike Tempos mentioned above from my college years when they were the unofficial uniform to wear to class, and they are just a horrible fit on me. The leg opening is too tight around my thighs, and they have a front and back diaper look. I’d need to be 7 months pregnant to actually need all that material in the front.

        1. Wow, sorry, I just realized this makes it sound like I’m saying anyone who does wear the Tempos has a 7 mo baby-equivalent tummy. I am not flat-tummied myself and see this sagginess on most people I see wearing them, even teensy 18 year old things. It seems to be a design issue where they are using a men’s pattern. I think women with thinner thighs don’t feel it as much because the shorts can slide down their leg, but for me, it just bunches up.

    3. New Balance Accelerate shorts. You can get them on Amazon with prime shipping. They’re loose enough to be nonrestrictive, but tapered a bit in the back so that you can bend over and stretch without showing everything to everyone.

  10. Hi, everyone! Just reminding all you LA-area ladies that we are getting together this coming Tuesday, February 9, at 5:30 at the Bunker Hill Bar and Grill in Downtown Los Angeles.

    Email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you’re interested in being put on my email list for this and other So Cal meetups! Can’t wait to see everyone!

    1. Oh my gosh, I wish I lived in LA. I’ve posted here many times over the last year and you’ve been SO incredibly helpful, thoughtful, and wise. Just a big internet thank you hug to you.

      2. Agreed- when Senior Attorney +1s me or agrees with me, it’s always a personal win! :)

  11. I was reading the morning thread where a poster mentioned that she wants to get married partly so that she doesn’t feel lonely anymore. I’m 36 and single and I realized that in a way that describes me as well. It has gotten to the point where I will sometimes get teary in private. I went through a painful breakup and now after 2 years I feel ready to get serious with someone again. I know some women have described feeling this way about wanting kids. But for me it’s almost like I didn’t mind being single and within a short time frame (in the last few months) I just feel like I’m ready to settle down with someone i.e. get married. Its a new feeling but also overwhelming, I grew up seeing alot of marital dysfunction and felt afraid of commitment. But after therapy and alot of time on my own I feel like I could have a great and healthy relationship. Honestly if everything was ideal I would want to be on the path to getting married i.e. engaged/moving in together within the next one and a half years. Am I crazy for thinking this? I haven’t even met the guy yet and I’m also in the midst of trying to move to a different country (not US) for career reasons. I’m level headed enough to not just marry whoever asks but at the same time I feel an urgency I haven’t felt before. FWIW, for me the push is wanting companionship, for kids I’m still somewhat on the fence, although I think one would be okay. Advice or commiseration from those who have been here before?

    1. I’m the OP from this morning. Hugs as all of us try to figure out our lives and be our best selves.

    2. This is totally okay and normal. It’s normal to get ‘partnership’ feelings the same way some people get ‘I want a baby feelings’. There’s a reason romantic partnerships are a feature of societies around the world. It’s nice to have someone to go through life with. People can be totally happy single as well but if you are longing for partnership – that’s just as valid!

      I met my husband when I went to another country to a 4 month job opportunity. After a year of long distance, he got a job in my non-USA country and we settled there and are now married with kids. I went to his country to have a fun experience for a few months and it changed my life in totally new and unexpected ways.

    3. Your feelings are valid and, at 36, I don’t think that time frame is unreasonable either. I say this not in the sense that you need to rush, but rather because at 36 people tend to know themselves a lot better than at, say, 26. So a decision to settle down quickly with someone is more likely to be trustworthy.

      That said, I’ve found it to be absolutely true that being with the wrong person is far lonelier than being single. So if you date a few duds, take longer to get out there than you meant to, or get cold feet, please know that it’s all still serving your goal of not being lonely anymore. You do not want to end up married to the wrong person.

      1. +1. I think it’s more normal than people want to admit to feel this way.

        If you want, I would recommend you listen Dear Sugar (Cheryl Strayed’s) podcast. She just did a three-part series on “Looking for the One” anxiety, and she and Steve read so many letters from people who feel just as you (and I) do. That said, I would skip the second episode, because they interview an economist about dating scarcity, and it will probably scare you.

        1. I actually appreciated the second ep in that series. (I’m in the same boat.) Sticking our heads in the sand isn’t going to help, and it makes me want to devote less time to worrying about that part of my life while spreading my focus to others. There’s not much I can do. So be it. I actually reallllly hated the first ep with Lena Dunham. Then again I don’t love her in general.

          1. Agreed re: Lena Dunham (who I actually find kind of endearing usually). Why did they consult with Lena for that episode? All she had to contribute was that she felt bad being single when she was 25. She’s now in a long-term relationship and she’s not even 30. How could she begin to identify with the long-term singles who were writing in after searching for years, even decades? Seemed like such a weird choice to me.

    4. This is a totally valid way to feel. How do I know? Because I had this exact feeling. I was just ready. I’m married now, but I was totally up front with my husband when we started dating about this. Not in a crazy way, but in a I’m looking for something serious way. He was on the same page. We moved in together after 9 months of dating and got engaged the next year and married a year after that.

      1. +1. I was in the exact same place. When I met my husband (on ok cupid), after a few dates I was upfront about that. He felt the same. This is the advantage of meeting when you’re a bit older–you both know what you want and also you worry less about what others will think. I officially moved in after six months, we got engaged a few weeks later, and married about a year later. Your feelings are so normal and your time frame is too.

    5. No advice–just saying that I, too, feel exactly this way, and I’m in the same age range. And I, too, sometimes tear up when alone because I just want to find my partner.

    6. Same boat. I’m 37. For years I was ambivalent about marriage and kids because I loved the freedom of my single life. I’ve traveled the world, reached the peak of my career, lived in multiple cities, built amazing friendships… it’s been awesome.

      But now, it’s like a switch has flipped. I remember being in an exotic destination this summer that I’d dreamed of visiting for years and thinking “I’d trade this in an instant for a family.” Now when I experience things, it almost physically feels like a person is missing who I’m supposed to share it with. I also feel a physical longing to have a baby.

      I saw older friends move from dating to married really quickly in their late 30s and assumed it was desperation (I know…), but now I’m more inclined to think in many cases it’s just clarity. When you lose the ambivalence about marriage and family, you’re already one step closer to yes.

  12. I have another loan/money question for the hive. Bear with me for a second…

    I have three student loans left (down from $140K a few years ago) — one is a private loan (2.8% variable interest rate, $13.5K), the other two are federal loans (3.5% fixed, $12.5K; 4.3% fixed, $23K).

    I have about $20K saved in my “emergency fund” and am itching to use some of it to pay off/down one of these loans. I’m inclined to pay off the private loan because of the variable interest rate and because I think the loan provider is the shadiest. I don’t get IBR or rely on public interest loan repayment so that isn’t a factor.

    Other relevant information: my husband has about $90-100K in his emergency fund/home downpayment fund. We are hoping to buy a house in the next 1-1.5 years. We are also expecting a baby in a few months. Our total annual household income is about $200K in a relatively HCOL area. We are funding our retirement but not to the annual max.

    Do I use my savings to pay off one of the loans (in which case, which one?), do I keep the cash to stay liquid in case of emergencies or baby expenses (but my husband’s savings would more than cover that), or do I use it to fund my retirement some more? I have to say, I would get a lot of personal satisfaction out of paying off one of my loans, particularly the private one, though I’m not sure that makes economic sense.

    Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

    1. I’d pay off the higher interest rate loan immediately. Your savings are absurdly high for someone with that much debt!!

      1. Well, like I said, my husband saved that on his own before meeting me. I’ve been paying down my loans with my savings for a few years now (which I’ve brought down by about $90K at this point).

    2. Are your emergency funds not co-mingled? Between the two of you I think you have enough to support paying one down to $0, and then redirecting would-be payments to the now $0 loan to the other two.

      1. Well, we think of our money as “our money” but we only got married about 1.5 years ago and haven’t really gotten around to combining all of our accounts. I should add we have another $20K in a joint account and probably another $15K in our checking.

        1. Pay thee to zero!! For real. If your intent is to have 100% mingled finances, then now is the time to do that and take care of this debt which you can totally afford to pay off, at least in part.

        2. Hope you’ve at least been added as a joint owner on the accounts — if something happens to him, especially with a kid coming, you want to have access to all the money.

    3. “Expecting a baby in a few months” — make sure you have savings in case of health problems, either for you or for the baby. Then pay off your loans.

      1. Agree with this. Not pleasant to think about, but it’s a good idea. Then pay off at least one loan afterward.

        What’s the going rate for a home where you are (as in, what do you need for a dp.) Since you’re referring to your e-fund and dp-savings as a single account, your e-fund may not be as large as it sounds.

        1. Good point — we have about $140K in savings (not including retirement) and another $10K or so in checking. The $140K includes our downpayment, but we aren’t sure yet what we’ll have to spend there. We expect to spend about $500-600K for a home, but not for another 1.5 years or so and a 20% downpayment isn’t absolutely necessary where we are. We could probably get away with putting 5-10% down but paying a higher mortgage rate, etc.

          1. I don’t think that planning to get a higher mortgage rate (likely with less good terms) makes a lot of sense when you don’t have to.

            What if you paid off a large chunk (maybe $5K) of your highest interest rate loan now, and kept the cash on hand to pay off the low interest/variable rate private one if the rate goes up…meanwhile investing in a higher yield vehicle if you can find one. I just feel like you’re on the verge of potentially having a lot of new expenses, so cash on hand is a good thing (though I also recognize you’ve got plenty).

      2. That was my thinking, too, since it’s just a few months more. When I was pregnant last year, I horded a bunch that I could have put on loans and kept it in my savings (knowing what I needed in my savings, so it was easy to tell what was “extra”), and then dropped a large lump payment after going back to work. It probably wasn’t necessary, but it felt better to know that I had something extra just in case I got back to work and they suddenly decided that they hadn’t missed me that much, or the baby had problems, or whatever crazy event could cause me to need it.

  13. I’m currently on maternity leave and (for the first time in my life) am feeling like I’m this massive overspend who needs to totally reign in our lifestyle. Logically, I think this is a result of being around various SAHMs who are almost militantly frugal and reading Mr. Money Mustache; however, I’d like a neutral read on how we’re doing financially.

    We (now) make a combined $165k/year. We’re both 4-6 years into our careers and in our early 30’s- our income has gone up from $32k in 2011. We purchased a house 2 years ago in a moderate COL area with a modest down payment utilizing a GI Bill mortgage and have one infant. Retirement wise, I have a traditional pension (basically a unicorn) plus $15k in supplemental retirement savings. Husband has $50k in 401k savings plus $12k in IRAs. Emergency fund is currently low as we lost 3 months’ combined income in 2015.

    I’m looking for a reality check as to how my monthly expenses seem relative to our income. We also have a financial goal of saving an additional $50k in 3 years- that’s what the $1k/month goes towards. Any additional windfalls or cuts we can make in spending go here as well.

    Last year’s take home income (after retirement savings, etc.): $8k/month

    Mortgage (w/taxes and insurance): $2250
    Utilities: $200 electric/gas, $115 cellphones, $50 internet, $10 water, $100 misc utilities (Netflix, etc.)($475 total)
    Food: $725 (includes restaurants and vacation dining out)
    Loans: $500 for two student loans ($26k at low rates, keeping as advised by our accountant)
    Pets: $100/month (food, vet visits, medications, etc.)
    Daycare: $1500/month
    Transportation: $250/month for gas, tolls, insurance. Vehicles are paid off.
    Vacations/travel: Average $4000/year
    Shopping (including Amazon purchases, clothing items, non-food grocery stuff): $250/month (I always feel like this is way too high, but is it?)
    Short term savings for home/car repairs, other irregular expenses: $500/month
    Savings: $1000/month
    Taxes: $400/month

    Other things I can’t totally generalize on but somehow spend $400/month on that I should probably look at cutting down include haircuts, occasional manicures, booze, coffees out, tax preparation costs, race entry fees, gym membership ($80/month and I go often).

    In 2015, we had a few outlier categories so they don’t reflect our normal spending patterns. Clothing ($2k, majority for maternity clothes as well as new winter boots for both of us), $8000 on various home improvement projects as well as furniture, $10k in taxes that we now pre-pay and $2k in healthcare expenses. Because of raises, we are going to make approximately $13k more than last year. I’ve already arranged for that $12k to go directly to replenish our emergency fund, so I’m not even accounting for that.

    We used to live on $30k/year, so I keep feeling like I should be rolling in the dough or saving all this money. Is this just what a grownup budget looks like?

    1. This is what a grownup budget looks like. I basically could have written this post – only difference our mortgage is a bit less and we have two kids so daycare bill is $2400 (your current bill plus your savings).

      2. Also could have written this post. We put slightly more toward retirement and I’m hyper-vigilant about our random Target/Amazon spending, but always seem to burn that savings on house improvements or food.

        The key for me is to make saving a priority, because discretionary spending seems to occupy whatever space it is given.

    2. On that salary you could easily get rid of the student loans and any other debt within a year or less. The idea that any accountant says to keep any debt at all is crazy. But IMHO, I don’t think any debt is “good.”

      1. I totally missed that you have loans. Reading fail. Why would you try to save $50K in that circumstance? put the $1000 month savings against the loans and then save the whole $1500/month once the loans are paid off. Interest rates are not good enough on your savings to leave the loans sitting there.

        1. The $50k is towards an adoption or surrogacy to add to our family, if we so choose. This is really the motivation in tightening up our budget so much- we would like to be able to pursue this within 3 years.

          1. I would still focus on paying off the loans and mortgage. You can always take out a second mortgage for the adoption/surrogacy.

          2. Interesting…. There is also the possibility that we could deduct the mortgage interest in that case. I’m generally loan-averse, so it’s interesting to hear another opinion.

            I should add that in our marriage, we had the accountant solve the debate of which to pay off with extra funds: student loans (what I wanted) or mortgage (what husband wanted). Because of tax brackets, accountant suggested focusing on retirement savings instead.

      2. I want to pay them off too, but based on our overall financial picture we were advised to keep the 2.5% loans and put any extra into a money market account that has generated somewhere between 5-9% interest over the past couple years.

        (My husband is obsessed with the fact that we need to put more money towards our mortgage. I keep telling him that it makes more sense for us to do other things with our money first, but he is really fixated on paying off this mortgage.)

        1. A money market account that pays more than 1% Good golly! Where the heck did you find this?!

    3. This doesn’t seem that bad to me — but if you want to try to free up a few hundred a month, cut back on your “lifestyle inflation” (surely on $32k/year you weren’t spending $3000/year on Amazon and clothes and $4000/year on travel).

      1. Yeah, this makes sense. I actually spent exactly $2015 on Amazon last year (thanks mint dot com for that!), which included a crib mattress and video camera.

        Travel is something that I think we can find some room in. I have great memories of camping as a kid- I’m thinking that is in our future.

    4. I think that this looks like a pretty standard budget as well. You probably didn’t live the same lifestyle at $30k either – not just manicures, but housing costs, childcare, pets, etc. If you cut all discretionary spending to zero, could you pay off everything, but the house faster? Yes, but that has to be something that you want to do. We chose to finance cars at low interest, but pay them off in a shorter time, because we are okay with some debt. Other people can’t stand debt and would never do that.

      1. Thank you. I think this is what I needed to hear.

        I had a woman this morning lecture me that I needed to only buy powdered milk because it’s cheaper (we buy local/organic as an active choice) and that she hadn’t purchased any clothing for herself or her husband in 4 years.

          1. This was my attempt to ‘Find a Mommy Group’ which so far has been something out of a sitcom.

            …So far I’ve been to two. One was exclusively (extremely friendly) Orthodox Jewish women and there was a lot of conversation about kosher food and toddlers, the other was the prepped-filled homesteader one this morning.

          2. On attempting to find a mommy group – two ideas (1) message all your FB friends – tell them you’re loving maternity leave but you’d like to connect with more moms before you head back to work. As them to give you the contact info of any moms they know who are currently off on maternity leave. (2) join a mommy and me version of whatever activity to normally like to do (yoga, (stroller or babywearing)fitness etc) – this way you are more likely to find someone with common interests.

            I always preferred moms groups of only 4-6 moms max. YMMV

        2. OMG! That’s so crazy of her – definitely worth buying local organic milk!

        3. Yeah that is crazy. If you make $160K a year you can afford organic milk and a new sweater every once in a while. I think a lot of the spending mentioned on this s!te is extravagant, but this woman sounds like a lunatic (unless she is genuinely poor).

          1. My take was that this woman justified being a SAHM to her spouse by proving that she was able to save more money than she would make being outside the home.

            She was basically telling me that I was a fool for working outside the home and that it would be so much more beneficial for me to just never buy anything/make my own laundry detergent/etc.

            I’m actually super proud of myself for not saying any of the many responses I had going through my mind. I kept thinking that if I were the one telling her ‘Oh! You’re a fool to not work outside the home.’ I would just be a big ‘ol jerk.

            I think I’m just going to go to the Mommy and Me fitness class and hope for the best.

          2. Any chance you are in nor-cal? I’ve beenooking for a mommy group with not too much success either. If so – email me at esquaredcorporette at gmail.
            PS Powdered milk is gross. I went on a yogurt making bender for a week back in 2012 and used it as a thickener (cause I’m too lazy to wait- hence also only being into diy yogurt for 1 week) and I still have the package in my cubord haunting me.

        4. We drank powdered milk when I was a kid because we were poor and it was cheaper. Never again.

          1. Part of this is that I grew up right on the line between middle class and poor. We never had our power turned off, but qualified for free lunches at school.

            I keep thinking, ‘My Lord. We make 2x what I could ever imagine making. How am I wasting money?’

          2. +1 I drank powdered milk as a kid and when we switched to real milk sometime in my teens I thought we were rich!

    5. This is a grown up budget. One thing to note is that a huge fraction of your spend right now is going to house (which you presumably didn’t have on 32K and rent was significantly less than the 27K/yr you’re paying to your mortgage now) and daycare ($18K). Add on the taxes needed to get to those take home numbers plus being in a higher tax bracket, and you’ve accounted for a lot of your increased income already. At the same time, you’re doing great in terms of savings compared to a lot/most people…so you should be proud of that.

      As far as the specifics of your budgets, I’m sure we could all comb through and find things to shave bits here and there, but nothing seems crazy to me. I would anticipate your $250/month on shopping going up and plan for that. You are almost certainly going to need to do some more spending on clothes, since I know of few people who remain the same shape post-partum (even if they go back to the same size). It took me about a year with my first to fit back into pre-pregnancy jeans, but some of my fitted suits etc are just never going to look right (luckily I don’t have a job where I need to wear them anymore). If you haven’t already, plan to be spending a lot of time on Amazon for random baby stuff like diapers, wipes, sippy cups, spoons, and I don’t even know what. You don’t have to go overboard, but there is stuff and it does add up.

      If savings are important to you, it does seem like you have room in your vacation budget to cut back (though maybe you have family overseas that you need to visit, so that’s just conjecture). I would also make sure to set aside some $ for baby sitting…both for emergencies and to give yourself a date night here and there. It sounds like you guys have a nice life and relationship right now, and I think in the long run that’s really important to maintain (and not to mention a happy marriage is way less expensive than divorce). Going on dates was something my mom drummed into my head (essentially pushed me and DH out the door when DD was 2 weeks old and she was visiting)…and I now see that she was right.

      Otherwise, yeah, that’s just being a grown up. DH and I lived on something like $30-40K as grad students, and now we earn more than 10x that. We don’t feel stretched by any means, but neither are we living 10x as large. Life (and kids) just cost money.

      1. Thanks. Like I said above, I think a nice camping trip will be our summer vacation this year – more like $1k/max in travel this year versus $4k.

        I fit into all of my pre-pregnancy pants within a month of giving birth but I still have my nursing b*0bs to contend with in shirts, but I do think I will need to buy some more pumping-friendly shirts before going back to work.

        Regarding babysitting: we also really prioritize couple time and have made plans to make sure that the cost of sitters doesn’t keep us from ever having a ‘just the two of us’ night. We have friends who we do a babysitting swap with periodically- as our kids get older we are going to routinely do a once a month swap. I also have in-laws who live locally and actively offer to babysit, as well as my mother who lives a couple hours away and comes into town regularly and loves one on one time with the baby.

    6. What is the “taxes” category? If your take home pay is $8K, I assume that means after taxes and you said property taxes are rolled into your mortgage. Otherwise it seems pretty reasonably and fairly frugal for someone of your income level. I don’t spend $250 a month on non-grocery shopping, but I also spend more than you on vacations and meals out, so it seems reasonable given your other spending.

      1. My husband is employed by a company located in a state without income tax. We live in a state with income tax. That ‘taxes’ is the delightful quarterly payment we make, on top of what comes out of our paychecks.

    8. I agree that this seems reasonable. Don’t let Mr. Money Mustache browbeat you into feeling guilty about spending the money you earn. I think he makes some good points, but he’s so darn condescending about it that I’ve stopped reading. For a similar, but less inflammatory, approach try Root of Good.

      1. I think you hit the nail on the head- I have been reading all these posts on how I should be saving 50% of my income and thinking, ‘Wow. Am I being super shallow and materialistic and wasting all our hard earned money?’

        I’m going to check out Root of Good (and, in the spirit of saving money, will get it at the library).

    9. we had a $2450/mo mortgage payment (inc. taxes and insurance) when we had more like $200k in combined income, and it felt a bit tight/most we were comfortale doing. Our daycare costs were slightly higher ($1800-1900/mo during the infant years), and we had one car payment that was about $500/mo (we financed a new-to-us SUV around the time we learned we were having kids rather than paying cash because interest rates were crazy low). We also have to be a bit more aggressive on retirement, and at 31 and 32 respectively, have about $250k socked away (but no pension!). Will you need new vehicles any time soon or are these paid-off cars here to stay? A second kid on the horizon? What if anything are you saving for college (ugh)?

      If you are in the right house for you, and comfortable with it, then this budget works. We are now making more like $400k/year, but our mortgage payment is $3400. We are in a very modest house in a very HCOL area, and because of lots of factors, we chose a house we could afford on one of our salaries alone. I totally and completely agree that you can “allow” yourself to buy organic (or at minimum, liquid!) milk.

      I am currently laid off and we are living on DH’s salary alone while putting 100% of my severance pay in savings in case it takes me longer than 12 months (sev period) to find work. We/ I have done the following to moderate costs:
      – meal plan to keep the grocery budget in check, and eat out as a treat, not as a “oops, don’t have a plan tonight because things were crazy at work, let’s go out.” Also, make sure to use all the food in the fridge before it goes bad
      – casually coupon for things we use often that are expensive (razors, diapers and name brand laundry detergent are the only things I actually use a coupon for….things like toilet paper and paper towels I now stock up/buy on sale rather than throw into the cart in a panic because we are out)

      1. When we were buying a house, we did the numbers and had to choose between a ‘starter’ house or a ‘we stay in this house forever’ house. We actually got an awesome deal on our house – we’re a nice but not crazy extravagant house in a VERY nice neighborhood in a short-commute town with excellent schools. Our primary vehicle is 6 years old and we hope to run it for another 4 years. Our secondary vehicle is less critical but we keep it because it’s fully paid off and the cost of insuring it is negligable. Second kid is the $50k savings goal stated above and there is zero chance of any type of a ‘surprise’ pregnancy.

        With regards to retirement- I think I’m forgetting about my husband’s IRA’s, so I am probably underestimating what he has saved up. I should also add that we haven’t maxed out in our respective careers and one of our jobs is nearly impossible to be terminated from (think: full tenure) while the other is an extremely high demand STEM position.

        While I’ve been on leave, I’ve also been ‘casually’ coupon-ing for similar items. We use cloth diapers primarily (for financial, health, and environmental reasons) but I’ve found that I can get disposable diapers for very little. Downside- the wipes I got for $0.24 a pack made baby’s bum red. Can’t win them all.

        1. Do you already have 2 kids or just 1 and planning for a second? If you’re just planning for the second, there’s always a chance of a surprise third kid:-) (I was the surprise twin. And my parents didn’t know I existed until about a month before I was born–something about my brother blocking me on the ultrasounds and we were early.)

          1. We just have one kid and would like another one (or two!) but unfortunately i had post-birth complications that make pregnancy physically impossible, so the next kid(s) will require either a surrogate or adoption.

            I can’t imagine how surprised your parents were!!

  14. Need some advice, ladies!

    I’m going on a girl’s trip to Toronto in June. My fellow travelers and I are all young professionals working in a major city. We all four work for the same company and are at similar career levels, within a year of age of one another, and none of us have kids or are married, so as far as I know money shouldn’t be too much of a stress point.

    We booked the trip in mid January, and all paid for our airfare individually. Because we’re doing this on the cheap (and we all know each other very well), we’re staying in one room with two queen sized beds. Knowing that I had status with the chain, and my status would get us perks, I offered to book the hotel under the assumption that I would not be charged more than a reservation fee until we arrived at the hotel.

    Last week I got a notification that the full cost of the hotel (minus any taxes we must pay on arrival) was charged to my hotel chain-branded AmEx. This is not a huge deal, but I did notify the girls that the charge had been made, and that I would appreciate it if they sent their portion my way.

    Only one of the girls has paid me her portion of roughly $200, and I gave the other girls a gentle reminder. The way I see it I have two options- suck it up and pay the full balance of the trip off out of my own pocket while waiting to be reimbursed the remaining $400 until June, or ask again and risk stressing the friendship/ making the trip uncomfortable.

    Right now, I’m not really worried about the financial piece, but mostly annoyed that the two who haven’t paid are acting like I never asked for payment, and I worry that waiting to address it will make me resent them.

    Help me, oh wise commenters — you’re my only hope! (and thanks in advance!)

    1. I do this all the time with my friends, but usually I’m not the one booking. I always pay my friends as soon as they ask. If you’ve asked someone twice and they haven’t replied, that is just strange. Even if they don’t want to pay now, they should say “sorry, I worked this into my June cash budget, and don’t have spare cash this month, so I’ll pay you in four months.”

      I think as they’re your friends, so you just have to trust they will eventually pay you. The only suggestion I can think of for increasing pressure, is to have all of this in a group message thread. So the peer pressure of other people knowing they’re not paying / the reminder when someone says “I’ve just done the transfer” will motivate them.

      1. You may want to follow up individual with each person who hasn’t paid and ask if they plan to pay now or in June as originally planned. Some people are not good at saying no. If you ask them to pay now and they can’t (or don’t want to), they may not respond. If you re-phrase the question so they don’t have to tell you no, you may be more likely to get a response.

        1. Good ideas; a third followup wouldn’t hurt. Sometimes emails get buried and I know that I can get forgetful.

          If you’re going to be hard up to float the $400 until June, then a polite, “Hey, understanding that this is months and months away but given that this charge has gone through and we’re only a few years out from college; a $400 float affects my budget so could you send your portion by the 14th?” could also help.

    2. I would ask again, either in person, by phone, or in a group text instead of email. I’d say that my credit card payment is due on X date so if they could please email transfer me the money by Y date I would appreciate it. If you text, keep everyone on the text so that they get peer pressure to reply that they’ll do it.

      Emails are so easy to forget about.

  15. There was a conversation yesterday about cursive that I wanted to follow up on. I know this sounds silly, but I don’t really know how to sign my signature. I basically sign my name in cursive, but that takes forever and I’d also like to have one of those pretty characteristic shorthand signatures.

    I’m sure most of you just developed one over time, but I’m having a hard time with this. When I try to do only my initials with a little scribble after each, I don’t think it looks good. Has anyone found an actual process/strategy they found successful to develop a signature?

    1. I developed my signature by writing my name on the brown paper bag covers of my textbooks over and over again in elementary school.

      …My printing though is modeled exactly after Dawn in the Babysitters’ Club books. Seriously.

      1. LOL I used to do the same thing. I’d write like the different babysitters as a kid, usually Stacey or Dawn.

    2. Mine evolved naturally over time — but I’d experiment with FirstInitial LastInitial and then the first three-four letters of your last name before the “scribble” starts.

      1. This is pretty much my signature. First initial, Last initial, followed by 2-3 letter of my last name before scribble starts. Sometimes I write out my full first name (it’s short and the letters flow easily), but the letters in my last name take a lot longer, so they get scribbled more often.

    3. My signature isn’t really legible. It just looks like squiggles and a line. Is that a problem/would it be looked upon poorly? Like is there any reason to develop a nice looking one?

    4. Signing over and over again. I had a job, a few years ago, where one of my duties was signing lots and lots of checks. Eventually it became just a muscle-memory thing which evolved naturally into a more signature-y signature.

      1. This too. I sign my name a lot, otherwise I would probably still write out my full name every time I sign something.

    5. I thought signing your name in cursive IS your signature.

      That’s what I have always done, even though I almost never use cursive otherwise. I admit mine has gotten messier and lazier over the years, but it’s still pretty legible.

      Also, if you’ve been signing things one way and you radically change your signature, you might run into issues where your signature is compared to a prior one and it doesn’t match.

      1. So I know this shouldn’t matter, but I had several women at my last job comment on how it was “so cute” that I still signed my whole name as my signature.

        My other issue here is that my last name changed a few months ago. I never liked my signature before anyways, and I’m using this as an opportunity to overhaul my signature (also I went from a T go G last name, and I think G is a thousand times prettier in cursive).

        1. haha, G is a pretty one! I always wished I had a capital L in my name, as it is my favorite cursive letter. I used to doodle it in the margins of my schoolwork and was mortified when I forgot to put my name on a quiz in middle school and my teacher asked the class, “Whose is this? The bottom says ‘I Love the Letter L. Lovely Letter L. L L L.'”

          I sign my whole name with middle initial as my signature. Sometimes people arch their eyebrows at the initial, but I do it strictly for aesthetics/fluidity; it flows into the first letter of my last name much better than the last letter of my first name does, so I don’t need to pick up the pen at all.

          1. I go by a nickname that begins with A, but my legal name begins with L–I started signing things with the L because that’s what matched official documents, but realistically I kept doing it because I think the L looks so much prettier :) I’ve tried to sign things with A a few times and just do not like the way it looks.

        2. I’d focus on the G first. You could look at various calligraphy styles to pick a nice G, or famous signatures with a G. If you can find a good G that you like to use, maybe just your first initial, the beautiful G, and then you can squiggle the rest.

    6. I have an illegible scribble and I LOVE it! Why? I changed my name last year at age 32, and didn’t have to change my signature :)

      1. LOL, I did that, too, after my divorce! I just changed the name I say in my head while scribbling said illegible scribble!

    7. I was a teacher in a former life and had to initial hall pass after bathroom pass after random paperwork day in and day out, so my signature is some weird morphed version of my initials that evolved over time while teaching, but is now in one pen stroke (though hardly cursive). It’s distinctive, but does not *read* my name (or anything for that matter). When I got married/changed my name I didn’t even change it……but I like it!

    8. Thanks all! And double thanks for not making me feel like this was a stupid question.

  16. Have any of your RSVP’d to a wedding and then canceled the day before attending the event? I have a college friend who is getting married tomorrow at a location that is a 4 hour flight away. I have 3 young kids and my husband wanted me to go by myself (the cost of 1 ticket vs. 4/5) so I was going to fly-in, drive to the wedding, and then fly back the next day. My husband unexpectedly had an important work meeting moved to Monday and could really use the weekend time to update the presentation and get ready for the meeting, so my traveling puts a fair amount of burden on him and working while the kids are awake will be difficult. We do not have any family or close friends nearby to help. I think my friend will understand, as she has a very demanding job also with international travel, etc. fwiw, this friend attended my wedding a decade ago, which involved flying as well. I feel like this is a no-win situation.

    1. It’s not ideal since they already paid for your meal and planned for you to be there, but if you apologize profusely and said your child care plans fell through, and sent a really nice gift, I think it will be fine. I wouldn’t go into too many details about the situation – you don’t want to turn it into an argument about whether you’re justified in not going.

    2. I would say go and find a sitter from Care.com or sittercity (especially if your husband will be physically present but just not able to manage the kids full time). It sounds like you are not dying to go to the wedding if you’re willing to give it up to take full charge of the kids for a weekend. Will your friend forgive you? Probably, but to me it’s more of a question of politeness than forgiveness.

      Cancelling for something like illness doesn’t count… my husband once skipped a wedding when he had a sinus infection (I attended). If you white lied and said you were coming down with something, you would certainly get a pass, but that’s lying and you might not want to do that.

    3. I’m assuming that your travel is already booked and you’ll be taking a hit if you don’t go? I reckon you should still go, and hire a sitter for one day of the weekend to look after the kids so that your husband can prepare for his meeting.

    4. I would still go to the wedding. Can you ask at the daycare if any of the staff would be interested in working some extra hours this weekend? Can you have a neighborhood teenager play with the kids while DH works from home a bit?

      2. Do you have any flexibility to change your flights to leave later and come back earlier? Might be a PIA to take a 6am flight instead of a 10am flight but it would get you back in time to take the kids most of Sunday.

      3. Thanks for all of your advice Emmer, tesyaa, lawsuited, multiple anons. I should have mentioned that my husband would prefer to work at the office since he has all of his documents, two screens, etc. We need a better home office set-up, but that’s a question for another day. This friend is a sweet person but I will probably chat with her for 10 minutes, none of our mutual friends will be attending (she was not in my class and most of her friends are from her class year), while I know my husband will be stressed out and I’d like to support him. To add even more info, I left him alone with the kids for almost the entire week as I had business travel myself – I am tired of traveling and he stepped up to do all of the drop-offs, pick-ups, dinner, etc. and I feel bad to do another trip so soon.

        1. This amplifying info changes my thoughts on this… In light of new info, skip straight to step 2 and stay home and rest. :)

          1. Yeah – but it doesn’t change the fact that she’d said she would. Woman up – hire a babysitter and follow through on your commitment.

      4. Ugh, I could totally see this happening to me, and I get the impulse to skip the wedding, but I think you should make an effort to go for several reasons: 1. it will probably be fun. 2. you said you would be there, and it’s rude (although understandable) to back out at the last minute. 3. Maybe this is a me thing, but I find I am really quick to change my plans to accommodate my kids/husband, and my husband is much more likely to think of a creative-but-not-quite-ideal solution that lets him enjoy XYZ as planned. Once I noticed this and got over the pang of resentment, I realized his way is better, because there’s no “remember that time I did ___ so you could ___” to bring up in future bickering.

        My plan of attack would be:

        1. See if you can cobble together some childcare fairly easily in the next few hours. Care.com sitters, daycare staff, neighborhood high school kids, even just send one or more kiddo their friend’s house if they’re post-diaper age. Your husband should have some time after they’re in bed each night, so a few hours each day or a big 6-8 hour chunk of time tomorrow should be sufficient, right?

        2. If that is impossible, call and explain. Apologize profusely and send a nice gift.

        1. Spirograph, thanks for articulating that point about being quick to change plans to accommodate husband and children, where husband handled quandaries like this very differently–I made the same realization about a year ago and it has changed my approach to many situations like this (and took care of budding resentment too, as you mention).

          I do agree, after the additional details, that in this case you should stay home with a gracious apology to the bride.

    5. Did this in a similar situation. The friend in question attended our wedding only months prior and it involved a similar level of travel. Had work stuff come up that made it difficult, but not impossible, to go. Called the friend in question, apologized profusely, sent a card and slightly-more-generous-than-usual gift. Friend was understanding, friendship is intact.

      If your friend has a similarly demanding job, isn’t a SUPER close friend, and is the kind of person who is generally understanding, I think you can do it without hurting the friendship. I wouldn’t over-explain the work situation, just say your husband unexpectedly has to work and so now you need to watch the kids.

    6. I cancelled a few days before because I was having a miscarriage and couldn’t deal with travel or a wedding that would be packed with people I grew up with (medically, I could have gone). My friend was super understanding.

      I don’t think I would do it otherwise, but I also don’t have three kids. If you can find any last minute childcare to help your DH get some work done, I think that would be the best solution. Or maybe find a way to cut your trip even shorter (may not be possible). But otherwise life happens, and people understand.

      1. omg, a miscarriage is not even remotely comparable to your husband having a presentation at work.

        OP, I agree with the comments to hire childcare to help your husband out. If you can’t do that, I would offer to reimburse the bride for the cost of your meal, in addition to giving a generous gift (or if you feel uncomfortable asking what the cost was, add $100 to the gift you were planning to give).

        1. + 1 This is good advice. If you do decide not to attend, and it sounds like you’re leaning that direct. I would put a $100 cheque in the card in addition to whatever gift you would have given.

          1. As an alternate POV, I would have found it really odd if someone sent me a check for their meal if they had to cancel at the last minute. I would have paid for the meal if you came or not, and I’m not someone who views a wedding present as a sort of exchange for the cost of the wedding.

    7. It’s pretty rude, and honestly, I wouldn’t do it for anything short of my own illness or that of a loved one, death in the family, etc.. In my view, backing out of an accepted invitation is a cardinal sin, particularly for an event like this, where the hosts have had to make a decisions about who could be invited and who couldn’t. I get that your husband will be stressed out and that he was carrying the lion’s share of the parenting burden last week, but I think it’s still pretty darn sucky for your friend.

    8. This is rude! Your husband sucks it up and makes it work. The wedding is tomorrow. Cancel if you must but do not pretend like you are not being rude and hurtful.

    9. Thanks to everyone for weighing in. I’ve arrived at the city of the wedding and will be chilling out / working until it begins. My husband decided he can manage the kids and work, even if that means he misses the superbowl. I’m feeling grateful for him and also for this awesome community of people who take time to help me with my first world problems. Thanks and have a great weekend everyone! I know I will.

  17. Any recommendations on things to do, eat, stay in Taiwan and Bali? Planning to go there for my honeymoon.

    1. Taiwan street night markets – the food is AWESOME (get shaved ice with all the delicious fruit toppings) and fun shopping (keep in mind it’s cheap night market stuff but sometimes it’s cute cheap and fun). The ramen is also out of this world. Check out uniqlo there too – the styles are different from the uniqlos now in the US. I also think it’s hilarious to go to the national museum and see the piece of jade carved like bok choy (it’s a national treasure!) and the quartz that’s carved like a piece of short rib.

        1. speaking of din tai fung we are getting one at the mall next to my office in SEA! never been but heard it’s awesome.

    2. I could write paragraphs about Taiwan (grew up there and still have family there), but if you’re staying in the northern metro areas, and particularly around Taipei, definitely the night markets and hot springs. Jiufen is also worth a visit, despite how touristy it’s become.

      If you’re looking more for beaches, that would be down south in Kenting. If you’re interested in gorgeous greenery and coastal scenery, that would be eastern Taiwan along the Taroko Gorge.

      Could you provide some detail of what type of honeymoon you’re looking for and how long you’ll be there? Relaxed? Outdoorsy? City? History? I can definitely be more specific in recommendations of what to do and where are probably the best locations for it.

  18. I’m starting a new job next week. Any wise words regarding what to do or not do in the first couple weeks? It’s a newly created position, I’ll have a few people under me to start, and need to hire a few more eventually. The industry is brand new to me, although my function obviously is similar to things I’ve done before. I’m a HUGE introvert, so tips on how to develop positive relationships with coworkers are especially welcome.

    I know this has been discussed before, but my google fu is failing me. TIA!

    1. Preplan 3 different ways to intro yourself to new colleagues – just the first two/three sentences. I’m an introvert and I find if I can get over the initial awkwardness of meeting new people. I plan a couple ways because I don’t want to be the weirdo that said the exact same thing to everyone on the first day.

      Like “Hi I’m Sally, I’m the new ROLE, Looking forward to working with you on X.”

    2. The book “The First 90 Days” is highly recommended. I am waiting to get a job offer to read it, so I don’t have a personal recommendation but I can’t wait until that time comes…

  19. Can anyone recommend any resources regarding buying a home for the first time? Here’s the situation: DH and I are about to move to LCOL area and are sincerely interested in buying a house. However, I’m extremely nervous because this is our first buy, we generally have no idea what we are doing, and I have a risk-adverse personality. DH and I are both attorneys and I feel like at least once of us should be able to figure this out by doing research and seeking advice…but not so much. The more we read on the internet the more confused we get. Can anyone recommend some reliable resources that present information in a digestable format? Is there a professional out there that could help us?

    1. I’ve recommended this before, Ilyce Glick had a book out about 101 questions a first time home buyer should ask. It’s dated so some of the information might not be applicable, but its starting point. There are probably some for dummies type guides as well. I think there are 3 parts to this puzzle- how the transaction itself works (picking the right house, contract, inspection, closing, etc), how the financing works (interest rates, what can you afford, making a good investment) and then actually being a homeowner (repairs and upkeep, insurance, needs vs. wants). If you break it down into those categories, it might be easier to think about.

    2. Don’t even try to understand what is going on. Seriously. I am a lawyer too and RE transactions make no sense. The important thing is to get a really great lender/mortgage broker and real estate agent. They hand-hold buyers through all of the paperwork and drive the process forward for you.

    3. Get a good real estate agent and they will guide you through the process and provide you really sound advice. We did a similar thing a little over a year ago and our real estate agent was everything.

      The single best piece of advice she gave us in the home-buying process was that you can change just about anything about a home except its location. I was sad for a hot minute about not buying new construction in a less desirable location, but a year in and I am so, so, so glad we bought a smaller, older (cheaper!) home in the best subdivision of the best school district, even though we have no kids and no plans to have kids for a while. A kitchen remodel has made our house much more shiny and new, and after we finish the basement we will have more space than we could ever need. And we love our neighborhood and our land value has significantly appreciated in only a year thanks to low inventory within the best school district.

    4. I’m also an attorney and felt like a complete dummy when we just bought our house. I rented a few books from my library about buying homes and it helped me understand the process we were going through – at least a little bit better.

      Getting a good real estate agent is good and fine, but there’s no substitution for understanding and taking charge of the process yourself.

      Zillow Talk: Rewriting the Rules of Real Estate
      Don’t Rent Buy! : A Step-by-Step Guide to Buying Your First
      Home Buying Kit For Dummies

    5. Get thee to a bank for mortgage pre-approval/pre-qualification. Sit down and figure out a budget now for your lives so you figure out how much you can put in as a down payment, how much you can pay in monthly mortgage, how much you can sock away for maintenance costs, and the price range for a house you are looking for. Also account for potential changes in jobs/salaries, childcare, etc. as you don’t want one of you to lose a job and have to sell your home because you bit off more than you can chew. I’d run the financials before you meet with an agent so that he/she knows what range to show you houses in. And pleeeeeeease don’t forget to account for your taxes in how much you can pay.

      As for home-specifics, make a list of a few must-haves and try to trim it down to the bare essentials as you are not served by being absurdly picky, and accept that the rest are ‘acceptable.’ Be sure to talk to your husband about what you are liking/disliking about each house and be sure to convey that to the agent so he/she can guide you towards the right place. (Real life is not HGTV where you only see 3 houses and have to decide in a day.) Ask your agent for the home inspector they would most recommend and accompany your home inspector when they go through the house as they will typically explain very helpful things to a first-timer.

  20. I’m a mid/sr-level Biglaw associate expecting my first baby soon. I’m at the point where I need to talk to HR and my partner about when exactly I’ll be taking off. Firm gives 4 mo.s paid maternity leave. Most of my team’s clients are large institutions that can be handled by others no problem (and the work will still be there when I return!), but we’ve got one client that I’d really like to keep some contact with over my maternity leave as it’s going to be a big year for the client and probably some one-time opportunities to become entrenched with this client. Anybody successfully done this or have tips? Am I kidding myself that I’ll have any energy for work over a 4 month maternity (assuming I take it all)? I don’t want to over promise anything. Anyway, I’d love some hive advice before talking to my partner. Thanks!

    1. Take all your leave. Each month really counts at that age. A 4 month old will seem much less like a ‘tiny’ baby than a 3 month old. I would try to lie low on the expectation front. You want to avoid making commitments about work you will do on mat leave and then not being able to meet those commitments. Much better for them not to expect anything from you and then be able to step up if circumstances allow.

    2. I know nothing about big law, but I do know some things about working on maternity leave. 1) Avoid if possible. 2) If you really, really think that doing some small bit of work is in your best interests, then make it happen during the last 2 months of your leave. Keep the first two months free – the difference in stress/exhaustion/hormonal troubles/etc after 2 months is incredible. 3) Don’t plan on taking care of the baby while you do the work, even if it’s just a few hours a day. Hire a sitter and get out of your house. Really. Don’t sit in the next room, and don’t plan on doing it when the baby naps.

    3. I don’t work in biglaw, but I do have my own clients where I am the only attorney they interact with. When I went on maternity leave I let my boss and secretary know the status of each case and then monitored my email. There were a few issues that came up and in all but one I asked someone else to handle. But there was one client that I wanted to take care of myself. Luckily it was about a month before I was set to return to work, baby was sleeping a little more consistently during the day, and I was able to do the work from home (including a conference call.) If I had needed to go to the office or to visit the client, I would have had my husband or someone stay with the baby. It was definitely a trade-off, to not completely disconnect during leave, but I thought maintaining this client relationship would be important long-term so I was willing to do so. Five years later, I think it was the right choice.

    4. I went back to work when my baby was 10 weeks and 6 days old. I had 12 weeks of paid leave, but baby came late. The difference between not-even-11-weeks and 4 months was a LOT. Take every minute of leave.

      now that said-is it unreasonable to think you could, with planning and resources, get some work done during leave? No. If you have friends/family/spouse that will cooperate, you can absolutely take a few hours to plug into work after the 6 week or so point while someone else snuggles with baby. Will you be wanting to spend a full day on a conference call or do a client visit? No. But checking/sending emails that don’t have firm deadlines (and can be sent at 2am when you are up nursing/feeding), joining the occasional call on mute (or with enough notice that you can find someone for baby duty), etc is very do-able. Just keep expectations low, and non-existant for the first 2 months or so. I had a REALLY easy kid that slept 5 hours a night from day 1 and was sleeping through the night (8 hours) by 10 weeks, bu I still needed those first months to recover MYSELF, visits from family and friends (first grandbaby on both sides!) plus we had to deal with a small number of minor-but-critical issues that required lots of doctor visits–all of that trumped work.

      1. I am envious because my child woke up literally every 3 hours to nurse without fail until he was 7 months old. Take into account the time it takes to feed, change the diaper, etc. I waswhit sleeping a full 3 hour cycle ever during that time. Worse, the same kid refused to take the bottle. I was at work but I was in a haze for several months. There is no way I was going to be able to put in my best work in that state. And I think it really is the kid and not the parenting style because my other two kids were good sleepers after the first 2 months, took the bottle, drank formula cold, etc. So, my point is that you just never know what kind of baby you will have and please don’t commit to anything until you know.

    5. Is a portion of your maternity leave covered by state disability benefits? I ask because mine was and HR was actually very explicit that I could not work while collecting disability without exposing myself and the firm to potential liability. I’m not an employment lawyer, but it might be something to keep in mind.

    6. I took 16 weeks and I agree that you should take it all. A 12 week old just seems so much smaller and more helpless than a 16 week old.

      That said, I worked on maternity leave (also an attorney) and I think it’s totally reasonable to think you will/can. I checked email frequently on my phone and signed on a couple times a day (usually once during a nap and a second time in the early evening after my husband got home). There were a few days here and there where it didn’t happen at all (I had mastitis 3xs for instance, and felt awful), but to think it’s not at all do-able or possible is crazy.

    7. When I had my first, I was an attorney at a small firm. My partner told me to take as much time as needed but it was unpaid. I could use vacation time and they let me roll over one year vacation to the next so I ended up with four weeks. My really awesome then husband (now ex) got fired when I was eight months pregnant. Even though my baby was up bre@st feeding through the whole night, I had no choice but to go back part time at six weeks. I was full time at ten weeks. Baby didn’t sleep through the night until nine months and got up and ate a lot.

      It was HARD but it was doable. I would take all the leave available to you and check in via email. I too had my own clients. Those relationships take a long time to develop and I would think a few simple emails may be enough to keep you connected. Honestly, four months will go quickly for you and for the client.

  21. I received a generous spa gift certificate for Christmas. I am not a spa person usually, but it looks like I could get an express massage (back, neck, shoulders) a good pedicure and a body scrub with the certificate. That all sounds great, but I have one burning question – after the body scrub (Olive Oil/Salt Scrub), how do they get all that stuff off of me? Washcloth? Shower? I just want to know what to expect!

  22. Cute hat! I have a really old hat that was a hand-me-down from an ex, and he got it at JC Penney’s. It’s warm and cute, but makes a mess out of my short hair so I don’t like to wear it on the way to work in the mornings. I recently got ear mittens. I figure that if I could imagine and wish for such a thing, someone must have invented them. So I googled and found some cute options on Etsy and Amazon! I’m happy with them, though they don’t mix too well with my glasses.

    1. I have short hair, a round face, and glasses and I struggle to find hats that don’t make me look like a) a child or b) a person with a pea for a head. If anyone has a style recommendation for a hat style that doesn’t made me look like a dummy, let me know!

    2. Do you want a knit cap or are you willing to consider a hat? I resemble lsw, with the short hair/round face/glasses, and I think I look pretty good in a wide-brim fedora.

      1. I have never ventured into hat territory – I would be willing to try something with a brim. Where does one go to try on hats? My only non-knit cap is a sun hat.

        1. Here in the wilds of NoVA, department stores have brimmed hats in the women’s accessories department. I’ve seen hats in Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, and even at places like Target. Pickings might be slim now since we’re well into February now but it might still be worth a shot.

    3. My new favorite hat is the Parkhurst (Canadian brand) wool beret, available at Nordstrom

      1. FYI you can get Parkhurst at the Bay (in Canada) which is better for the economy (for Canadaians) than Nordstrom

  23. How much do people pay for hair cuts, and how often do you get it done?

    I recently moved. In my old city, I had a friend who was a trained beautician and cut friends’ hair – it was a great deal. I just have straight shoulder-length hair, no layers or anything. I’m leaning towards going to a Super Cuts or somewhere cheap because the thought of spending a good bit of money on hair cuts is just too much. I’m curious about what other women do.

    1. LCOL city, go to an upscale salon for cuts, pay about $70. When I started with my stylist 10+ years ago she was something like $40-45, but she’s become a senior stylist and charges more now. I have fine, curly hair that CANNOT handle a bad cut; plus, I don’t style or dry it (put product in, scrunch, and air dry) so a good cut is a necessity. I should probably go every 6-8 weeks, but instead I wait until it annoys me and doesn’t look right and go then. Generally about every 3 months. My hair is on the shorter side, but also grows slowly.

    2. My hair is a little below my shoulders, layered, slightly wavy, and I don’t color/highlight. I get it cut when it starts to look ragged, every 9 months or so. I don’t have a regular stylist, but I do have a regular salon. Depending on the experience of the stylist, I pay $60-90 + tip. I’ve experimented with cheaper cuts, but in general I find they don’t grow out as well, so I end up spending just as much by getting cuts more frequently.

    4. I live in a suburb of boston where the mean home price is in the 700s. I have a very simple haircut (make it shorter and neaten up the layers) and pay about $60 plus tip. I know there are salons in my town where this simple cut is $80, but I don’t go there. No coloring, and the whole thing inc. shampoo and blowdry takes about 40 minutes

    5. HCOL city, go to a neighborhood salon for cuts, pay $50 (plus a tip), and go every six weeks. I have a bob and regular cuts are absolutely key. I actually think that if you have to choose between a “better” or more expensive cut versus getting your cut more frequently, it makes sense to get your hair cut more frequently.

    6. LCOL Midwest city, below the shoulders hair (recently lopped off a few inches), with long layers. I pay $35 plus tip for a wash, cut and blow-out at a nice, but not THE nicest, salon. I get it cut about every three months but pop in for a bang trim ($10) once or twice in between.

      Ex used to go Great Clips type places and the biggest downside is the variability from one person to the next — you might get someone great who knows how to cut your hair type and you might not. DS used to go a Bo-Rics, which strikes me as one notch above Great Clips, and would just call ahead to see if the stylist he liked was working and would wait for her.

      If you’re new in town, ask around, and ask women whose hair you like, esp. if similar to yours or to the style you want, for recommendations. I needed a new stylist a few years ago and asked my secretary, because her hair always looks great, and that’s who I see now.

    7. $45 plus tip, long hair with long layers, 4 times a year, fairly LCOL area.

    9. Midwestern college town with a low cost of living. I pay ~$40 (including tip) at a place at the mall. Long hair, with some layers. I know the mall isn’t typically thought of as having high end salons, but I think this place is more expensive than average for our city. It’s still what I consider pretty cheap, though, and I love my stylist and the haircuts she gives me.

    10. I go to salons and usually get a junior person for about $42 + tip in Philly. I have long, straight, easy hair. I tried Hair Cuttery /Supercuts twice, but I was very unimpressed – the one stylist was panicking at trying to cut hair below shoulder length and had trouble blow drying it and the other was having trouble cutting it straight. I’m not picky and it all ended fine, but it was pretty annoying because I have the most basic straight, smooth, uncomplicated hair you can have.

    12. Live in LCOL rural area. I drive an hour to the city and pay $160 plus a generous tip for color, cut and highlights at an Aveda salon every 6 to 8 weeks. I am really picky about my hair texture, and the Aveda color is the only one I’ve found that leaves my coarse hair smooth, silky, and soft.

    13. I pay about $80 plus tip. I only go every 3months or so. I’m in the Bay Area aka high cost of living

      1. +1 – haircut is 75 and color 200 in SF for me. I go every three months (I get hilights so color can wait this long).

    14. I have ringlet curls most of the way down my back, all one length. I just go to a run of the mill place like hair cuttery or super cuts and have them shampoo and trim, no blowdry or anything like that. It’s about $20, and I do it every 3 to 5 months. I’ve paid this amount with more or less the same results in Austin, DC, and Boston.

    15. I pay £35/$50 (I get a 10% discount as a frequent customer) plus tip, and go every 8 weeks.

    16. DC. About $75 for cut and $120 partial highlight. But I have her do it in a way that I only have to go four times/year.

    17. Short hair (pixie) here so I go about every four weeks. I went for a fancy cut as a pre-interview splurge ($80) and figured out that the stylist was from the same small town I grew up in. She’s willing to charge $30 if I go to her house on her non-work evenings. So now we do that.

  24. I am planning to attend Admitted Students Day at UCLA and also at Berkeley, where I was just accepted to master’s programs. What should I wear – business casual? I’m really not sure what’s appropriate for this type of thing and I’ve been out of the loop for a while at this point! Any recommendations are welcome. Thanks!

    1. Smart casual. You’ve already been admitted and you’re going to be a student, but you want to make a good impression.

    2. I got my graduate degree from UCLA. People dress very California casual. I remember attending a law school fair and watching a Yale recruiter explain to an undergrad that flip flops weren’t professional wear. The undergrad replied, “What do I wear on my feet then?”

      Seriously, I dressed up just a touch for a professional conference once and my desk mate asked why I was dressed so “East Coast.” I’d stay very casual.

    3. Assuming its not at the business school, which is a bit more suit-y, I agree with Wildkitten – smart casual (jeans and a blazer/dress/skirt and cardigan) is the way to go.

  25. If you got a windfall of $500,000 tomorrow, what would you do and how would you spend it? For sake of daydreaming, let’s assume this was a gift or inheritance and as such, no tax implications for the recipient.

    2. Hire a housekeeper to do errands, tidy my house, do laundry, and prep meals several days a week. Book a couple of family vacations (with parents, in-laws, and siblings), one for me and my husband, and probably one for just me. Buy a new-to-me car. Do some home renovations that we’ve been contemplating for a while, and finally decorate our master bedroom. Consult with a financial advisor about investing/saving the rest.

    4. Pay off student debt and mortgage, top off emergency savings fund, and set some aside for a nice vacation, then shove the rest in a combo of investments and 401(k).

    5. Student loans (mine and SO), a nicer wedding than I’m currently planning, a really good honeymoon, and a down payment on a house. Sadly that’s not actually enough for student loans +buying house outright (unless it was a very small house or outside the city limits). Which is depressing to think about.

      1. You are not alone – in asking the question I went through the exact same thought process and was like. . . wow, even $500k wouldn’t dig us out of the hole to pay off debt + get an actually nice house! Sigh. . .

    6. I would pay off my student loans and any lingering debt, set money aside for college for my daughter and retirement for me and my husband, and take an awesome vacation. (Aside from the vacation, all of that sounds sad and practical, but it would be such a relief to have made such huge strides towards those things that it sounds amazing to me).

      1. Hi,
        I know what you mean.

        I would buy som great clothes, get the family an awesome vacati0n. Keeping the rest woud lessen my anxiety about retirement sawings and that would be worth a lot to me

    7. 110k – pay off mortgage (LCOL city)
      150k – put into 529s (with current savings, this would make 100k per kid, which seems good to me).
      10k – take a really nice vacation
      200k – invest as retirement savings
      30k – put aside for next few years of daycare expenses
      If we did all that, my husband could quit his job, we’d still send the kids to daycare, and we’d all be so happy. I’d never have to do housework again.

    8. Remodel my kitchen with no expense spared, go on a clothes shopping spree, put $50,000 in the emergency fund, put $100,000 in a “vacations for the next 10 years” fund. That’s probably half of it. Put the rest in the retirement fund.

      I’d be tempted to pay the mortgage way down, but I’d rather have the cash on hand.

    9. Pay off my mortgage and then invest the rest so that I can retire early and travel the world the rest of my life. I’m forty-three so if I can retire around sixty, I’ll be very pleased with life. Though, earlier is better.

    10. Half to mortgage (our only debt), 150k to savings’, 100k for travel and take some nice family vacations over the next 5 years before our oldest 2 are 21 and 18.

    11. 1. Pay off mortgage
      2. Buy a new car (nothing fancy, just a new Honda or Toyota with the rear safety camera)
      3. Take my dream vacation of going to Europe for a few weeks

    12. Pay off my very new mortgage (190k) and stick the rest in an index fund. I would redirect part of my current mortgage payments to a regular housekeeper, and the rest to retirement savings, which I can barely afford to contribute to now (I’m in my mid 20s but freaking out about this anyways). And probably a couple of random luxury items I have been eyeing for a long time and a trip to visit family abroad. Looking at that list makes me feel like a bit of a snoozefest but I mostly just want stability in life!

    13. 1. buy, insure, and create maintenance/tinkering fund for a vintage sports car ($100k) and an old pickup truck ($10k) to add to our two boring suburban vehicles
      2. buy, insure, and pay to store a used but decent boat ($50k plus $5k/year for storage/general maintenance = $75k)
      3. Pay off the remaining $25k on our student loans
      4. Fund 5 years of $15k/trip family vacations ($75k)
      5. Do $100k of reno to our house
      6. Put the last $100k into retirement

      I could be persuaded to cut down on vacations or buy a cheaper sports car to add more to retirement, but we are pretty good on the retirement funding schedule and I would use this money to upgrade our current quality of life, not try to retire much earlier (already targeting 55). May also take the boat and vacation money and instead swap in a vacation home (~200k).

      We’re in our early 30s with one kid and one on the way.

    14. Pay off our mortgage (~200K), invest 200K into college savings for future kid(s), and then split the 100K with my husband on fun stuff for each of us. I would definitely want to take some really extravagant vacations (Antarctica!), but travel isn’t his thing and I’d want him to get to do something fun with the money too.

    15. Pay off DH’s loans with half and put down a big downpayment with the other half.

    17. I’d invest and carry on as normal then re-assess monetary goals in 10 years after it has grown.

    18. I would buy both my dad and my brother a house so they wouldn’t have to rent anymore and I would also pay off the remainder of my mortgage. If there was any left I would donate it to charity.

    19. Oh this is fun.

      $100k to student loans
      $200k to pay off mortgage
      Month-long trip across Asia
      New car
      New but small and simple wardrobe of the ethically-produced, $300 per shirt type
      Index funds

    20. Fun! Context: mid-30’s, married, 3 small kids.

      1. Pay off student loans ($22K), car ($3K), house ($290K)
      2. Spend $50K on home improvements — new windows, new roof, paint the outside of the house, landscaping, and some aesthetic projects on the inside
      3. $10K on splurgey stuff — travel or a great bag
      4. $40K to cash savings
      5. $30K split among each of our three kids’ college funds
      6. Remainder to our retirement

    22. Ahh to dream.

      $120k to pay off student loans
      $120k to pay off mortgage
      $30k to a basic but safe used truck and trailer
      $20k to some horse shows
      $5k for some jewelry
      $5k for a vacation
      $200k to retirement/investing

  26. Travel recess for Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia? The rest of SE Asia (possibly Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines)? Trying to plan a 6 week graduation trip. Thank you!

    1. Ha Long Bay in North Vietnam is a must-see. Spend the night on one of the floating hotels, called “junks.” Hanoi is definitely worth a stop while you’re there, too.

    2. Thailand and Indonesia deserve 7- 10 days each. 1 week each for Philippines and Vietnam.
      That leaves 1 week for Cambodia (2-3 days is fine) and Singapore. I’d skip Malaysia.

      Cambodia: Angkor wat
      Thailand : Bangkok, ayuthaya, Ching Mai, Phuket/krabi/Koh samui
      Indonesia: borobudur, Bali and they have some good snorkeling (maybe you can google)
      Philippines: All the beaches. Some great snorkeling

    3. We’re spending two weeks in Thailand in May (Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Elephant Nature Park, Koh Phi Phi, Koh Samui). If you’re going after that, I’d be happy to share reviews once we get back! Thailand has been on my bucket list for soooo long!

    4. Check out jeibeyglows . Tumblr . Com. She wrote a blog on her travels through this area over a few months. It’s really good, and it would give you great ideas.

  27. Hi Ladies – I am a Marketing Professional specializing in working in Law Firms (which is why I read this site), with 4 years experience in this field. My undergrad degree is completely unrelated. I am 80k in debt because I attended 2 Division 1 Universities. The first university cost $40k a year, after spending a semester there – I went to another university where I met DH, and received my BA, subsequently, I attended a slew of grad schools – but nothing stuck and didn’t find interest in those grad programs. Long story short, years later, I do have a BA from a reputable school, but:

    1. I have $80k in debt
    2. I graduated with a 2.3 (has never been asked in interviews for my gpa) but feel guilty about this. GPA was low because before getting with DH, I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for all 4 years and most of my high school. So school was an afterthought, I was VERY young… 16 when I entered that relationship.

    How do I,

    1. Stop feeling so guilty about the GPA and the Debt?

    PLEASE… I am ashamed to talk about this to anyone I know… you ladies are wise, so I’d appreciate any words of your wisdom.

    1. (1) Your debt is not a crazy amount. Many people have more than that. I don’t think anyone would say “how the heck did you get that much debt?”

      (2) Graduating school in your circumstances and getting out of your abusive relationship is a HUGE accomplishment and worth way more than your GPA. And as you are realizing, GPA doesn’t matter much in the real world. I was one of those people that worked my butt off and got a high GPA. Many of my friends who partied through school are in better jobs making more money than me.

      And if it is something you really can’t stop thinking about, consider therapy but I think you just need to be kinder to yourself here.

      1. Thank you so much. It feels like a huge accomplishment to me because I was borderline suicidal in that relationship, and almost married him. Finding the strength to leave years of abuse and oppression feels like one of the few good choices I’ve made.

        Even though I crawled out of it with my low gpa. I am in therapy now because I realize I am very harsh with myself stemmed from growing up with hyper-critical perfectionist parents.

        Thanks again for responding.

    2. It sounds like you have a job that will allow you to pay it off over time, and you don’t have a time machine, so there’s nothing else you can do. Worrying and feeling bad won’t change anything and everyone has regrets. Accept that that’s the way things are and consider it like any other bill you pay. And honestly, some people get through undergrad with $80k in debt anyway.

      1. You’re right, I need to think of it like any of other bill I have. I am finding out I am a huge worry wart, I’m sorry if this is a silly post. And even sillier that I obsess over this.

    3. Remind yourself that “feelings are not facts.” In other words, just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

      Remind yourself that there is literally nothing you can do to change the past, all you can do is live each day in a manner you are proud of. Remind yourself that dwelling on negative thoughts, berating yourself, etc, is completely pointless waste of time and energy.

      Remind yourself that you have overcome adversity- the abusive relationship, your struggle with school, etc.

      Remind yourself of things you have in your life to be grateful for – a steady job, a husband.

      Good luck!

      1. Wow, thank you. Tearing up now. I am definitely wasting time by being so hard on myself. I am very grateful that despite poor choices I do have a steady career. I guess I am hard on myself because I know I could’ve done much better than that gpa. Therapy is definitely something I need to continue till I really start believing this in my heart.

        Thanks again.

    4. Anyone who cares about your GPA should get a hobby. After immediate graduation, jobs should judge you based on how good you are at working, not how good you were at school back when.

      1. I was told by someone far smarter than me who probably had a really good GPA to never put my GPA on my resume because either you look like you’re bragging, or you have nothing to brag about. The result is the same either way.

    5. As far as the debt goes, run a payoff calculator and figure out what sum of money it will take each month to pay it off in two or three years. The GPA really doesn’t matter after your first job post-undergrad. When interviewing new hires, we will occasionally ask GPA from new grads who haven’t had any work experience to draw on. I’ve never asked it from a new grad with an internship or anyone transferring from anther job. I’d much rather dig deep into work experience than talk about grades in a marketing class. If it would make you feel better about GPA, maybe calculate your GPA from just classes in your marketing specialization. That way should anyone ever ask you could from your response as “I earned a 3.2 GPA within my marketing specialization.”

      Give yourself some credit and take measurable steps to put the student loans behind you. Live your life in the present, because you made all the right decisions to get here.

    6. In case you’re still reading these comments, Jordanna: You should be so proud of yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship and making huge positive changes in your life. You did something really difficult that takes a huge amount of strength. I don’t know a lot of people who make great choices as a teenager, and I do know women who are very smart and accomplished and wonderful people who have still found themselves in abusive relationships. It’s not something you did wrong.

      But what you asked about is the debt and the GPA — first of all, I have no clue what anybody’s GPA is except for my own children, nor do I care. And if you told me you had $80K of debt, I wouldn’t blink — lots of people are shouldering huge debt loads from college.

      Let’s look at what you do have: a healthy marriage (it sounds like), a college degree, and a career. You are doing great.

    1. I did it and LOVED it. It turns out that for me, it’s much easier to cut out food groups than it is to restrict calories. I gave up dairy/alcohol/sugar/grains/legumes, but don’t track or think about portion sizes with the food I do eat. The Whole30 book has a timeline that was quite accurate for me.

      I lost some weight but it is not a weight loss panacea (you’d probably have to go much lower-carb than I did for that). But my energy is so much more stable now. I was really burning out on sugar crashes in the afternoon and that never happens anymore.

      I could say more, but bottom line is that I was so glad I did it and continue to eat Whole30-ish now.

    2. I did whole 30 and loved it. I confirmed what I suspected before whole 30 and I now try to avoid gluten now. I also realized how much sugar impacts me.

      A few tips:

      Have food to eat with you all the time. You’ll end up stuck and hungry more than you think. Keep Lara bars, fruit, hard boiled eggs, approved jerky etc with you if at all possible

      Stock up in advance which is the most expensive part… Coconut aminos, coconut milk, approved oils for cooking, dried fruit, coconut chips, cashew butter, dried seaweed, etc.

      Be prepared for a lot of dishes.

      Google recipes in advance so you’re mentally prepared and have ideas for dinners. This will avoid the F#^* It All melt down that happens about ten days in. Push through, it’s worth it. It can get boring to eat though and hard when you want to make something quick so that’s why I suggest having recipes handy in advance.

    3. I’m sorry I’m so late on this, but I just want to offer a counter point–I did whole 30 and it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be in terms of giving up foods, but it did zero for me. My energy/zen/aura/whatever was exactly the same, I lost no weight (I didn’t really have any to lose, to be fair), and nothing changed in my life except I lose a huge amount of time to meal prep.

      In short: a massive waste of time and money. Allergic to gluten? NOT A THING unless you have celiac’s disease.

  29. In light of the political discussions here the other day, I’m curious what people think of Bloomberg (both a. do you like him and b. do you think he will run). I admittedly don’t know much about him, but from what I do know he seems not that far to the right of Hillary, especially on social issues, and is very appealing to this moderate Democrat who is very much not feeling the Bern. On the other hand, I fear if he ran it would guarantee a Republican win. Thoughts?

    1. I think if he ran Independent it would guarantee a Democratic win because he would split the Republican vote.

      At this point, the Republicans are such a mess that the only thing Hilary has to fear is herself.

      I am really stunned to think the first female president will be a Democrat. I thought for sure it would have to be a Republican woman,… Who knew…

      1. As a generally fiscally conservative voter from the northeast that cannot stomach Trump or Cruz (and can barely wrap my head around any of the other top candidates), I’d vote for Bloomberg. Otherwise, I’d do a LOT of soul-searching and probably end up voting for Hillary. The only time I’ve ever voted for a Dem in a presidential election was when the GOP option was McCain/Palin. I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

        I have never lived in a state that “counts,” though, since MA and VT are always blue, and CT is too small and too late to matter.

        So, based on my sample size of the very small number of <40 republicans I know in Massachusetts, Bloomberg would split the republican vote and Hillary would win.

      2. Interesting. My husband thinks that even if Bloomberg won the popular vote or split the R vote and gave the Democrat the win on the popular vote, the Republicans are ensured a victory in the electoral college because neither Bloomberg nor Sanders/Clinton will win the Southern states where Republicans are more conservative and Evangelical, and Bloomberg and the Dem will split the Northern states (especially if its Hillary, but I’m sure Sanders would win VT/NH and maybe some liberal strongholds like CA and MA). My husband actually thinks the most likely scenario is that if it’s a three-way race no one will win a plurality in the electoral college, but then the Republican Congress gets to decide and would pick the Republican. FWIW, I would vote for Hillary over Bloomberg (though I don’t think he’ll run if she gets the nomination) but would want to vote for Bloomberg over Sanders at this point, especially if this electoral college issue didn’t exist.

    2. I don’t think he’s a right-wing loon like all the other GOP candidates. But as someone who is in total agreement with Bernie Sanders’ economic message about inequality and the rigged economy/political system, I don’t get the feeling that he thinks the inequality and rigged economy/political system is a problem. So I don’t think I would vote for him since neither Bernie nor Hillary is objectionable to me.

  30. I hate slouchy beanies. Maybe I am too old for them (late 30s)? They always look like they’re going to fall off.

  31. Any benefits of joining Junior League besides the obvious volunteering benefit?

    1. It depends on where you are. The culture varies drastically, but if you’re in a non-cliquey area, you’ll probably meet lots of motivated women of all ages. I didn’t end up sticking with it because the hours didn’t work for my schedule and the volunteering ended up being for things that weren’t important to me, but I really enjoyed meeting and spending time with the other women in the organization.

    2. It’s also a great way to learn how to supervise others. If you’re a committee chair, you are responsible for the work produced by your committee. However, because these ladies are all volunteers, you can’t *make* them do anything the way you can at office. You’ll always have a couple of slackers who just want the evening out and a couple of rock stars who really take up the slack.

      I have never wanted to be on a community committee, so I focus on fund-raising, program development and finance. There really is something for everyone.

  32. My best friend is having a baby, we are both married, and been friends since college. She’s having a boy. Although DH and I aren’t trying yet – I find myself feeling jealous at times. Am I crazy???

    1. Nope. I felt exactly the same way when my BFF was pregnant with her first. I could have written this.

      We knew we weren’t quite at the ‘let’s do this now’ place yet, but I’ll admit I really thought about throwing caution to the wind and trying to get pregnant as soon as she told me she was.

      When I had my baby though, she was the person who was there to help me with my registry and send me motivational texts… I actually really like that she’s been my personal motherhood guru.

      1. YES…. I have had wild, irrational thoughts of “I want to get pregnant NOW”, in a keep up kind of way… Which I have never ever felt before about any person/woman. Glad I’m not crazy. DH and I want to wait another 4 years or so… We are in the thick of building our career.. But the jealousy is a little alarming. It’s an endearing kind though, not deterimental. I do relish in the fact I still have free time and the ability to sleep in and not revolve my life around kiddos just yet, so I try to focus on this more so than the desire to be pregnant and have a son.. Which I dream of having as the first one.

    2. I’m going through the unfortunate combination of having gotten married 4 months ago and going through my OB and pediatrics rotations in nursing school, and my baby fever is insanely, inexplicably out of control. So I feel you. DH thinks I’m absolutely off my rocker.

      1. SAME…. Ovulation time frame is the worst for me DH looks better and better during this time. It’s not a running joke for me to say every few days, “let’s just go ahead and make babies!” LOL. The bff isn’t making it better PLUS I have a 7 month old niece, one word: adorable.

      2. As a youngish-for-my crowd (I’m 31) mother of 1 with 1 due in 2 months, just count your pennies. Check your bank account regularly. Enjoy the freedom :) Then call me in 4 years when you pull the trigger and want all my old baby cr@p that is filling up my garage and in another 8 years when you need a babysitter.

    3. I think it’s a very normal feeling, but I also think it’s one you should consciously work to not express, especially in conversations with your friend, or you risk seriously damaging your friendship. Ask me how I know…

  33. My favorite winter hat is a black crochet flapper style hat with a giant crocheted rosette on the side. What I love about the hat is not only it’s flattering shape, but also that it goes well with nearly everything in my wardrobe. This is my first time on your blog! I love it, I’ll definitely be returning.

  34. My field is becoming a lot more digital… Whereas I am used to the traditional way of doing things. Yet I worry that I can’t just go out & get a job tomorrow if need be in my current market because my skills are very limited based on the job climate now. There’s definitely more money in the new climate shift of our industry and I would have the advantage of traditional experience under my belt… But I don’t exactly love my industry, I “like” it but at the same time there are ZERO other fields I’m interested in. Seriously. Should I jump ship and change industries possibly even take a pay cut. I hate hate hate numbers and the way it’s so data driven now. I’m more of a liberal arts thinker. Or get out and start gathering these new data driven skills? For the money component & “possible” job security? TIA for advice ladies.

    1. I think you should learn. I do statistics and I often get brought in to add metrics to things like marketing or research. There is nothing I hate more than someone who fights me on my facts, because stats are cold hard facts. I will also tell the CMO (or whoever hired me for the project) if there is resistance. That said I think the numbers and creativity compliment each other really well.

  35. Recently landed a job at a small company. Where I’ve been able to negotiate my position from Specialist from Director and from $35k to $45k in pay. I also manage two team members.

    Where do I go now in my next position?? I still have a lot of work history to rack up like most people but what would that look like in the next job? Should I try to always negotiate for a director title again going forward for consistency and progression purposes. I don’t want my resume to read director and then associate or assistant etc after this position.

    Thoughts??

      2. Certainly not as much as your $350k. But it’s honest work as I’m not a street walker. & as I mentioned, it’s a small company and the salary was meant for a “specialist” position originally. Which is normal in many parts of the country.

        1. Ok well to answer your question I think you either go for more money and stay director if you are doing director duties. Or NO your next move should be about expanding your skill set. I do not think people should be hung up on titles. As we all know director and program manager can mean anything. It is about what you have done, your skills and your potential. And I think a director should make minimum $75k.

          1. You live in SF… You’ll find most people don’t always make “minimum $75k” manyy companies cannot afford that. Also $350k a month is amazing. I don’t even know any doctors in New York even who make that kind of money. You must really have an amazing job. Good for you.

          2. I didn’t say most people, I said most directors. And I don’t make $350k…that is with my spouse. But this is about you, not me. Have you checked glassdoor etc what you should be paid? Otherwise, like I said, no don’t focus on titles in your next move, focus on responsibilities and compensation.

          3. I have been a director, in a Corporation. Director level is !00k+ (I made 180k all in). I think this is probably where Kiki is coming from–typically a director level of any kind (even a Sales Director, which is often just a fancy title for salesperson that earns a lot) is a very high ranking role. Typically you see entry level –> more senior individual contributor (“specialist”) –> people manager and/or team lead –> senior level manager –> director [can be department head, if dept isn’t massive–like senior director/AVP –> VP [department head of sizeable department, manages several directors]–> SVP or C Suite. In my industry, entry level starts around $40-45k so by the time you are at director, there aren’t many of you and you make well into 6 figures. So even scaling back to entry level $20-25k role, I can see why Kiki is thinking a Director should be making more than $45k. But you know your location/industry!

            This is probably a small company where titles are flexible. To the OP, I’d spend your time learning about your industry, and what skill set the Director level typically has. if it matches yours, great! If you have some growing to do, find ways over the next few years to grow into the title so that if/when you make your move, your experience and resume match the title you are looking for.

  36. How much do you spend per month on clothing etc for yourself?

    I feel like I spend a lot, but not sure if it is appropriate or too much. We are older than most people here I think (I’m 42 and therefore make more money I think (about $350k)). We have no debt but a lot of expenses with three kids – at least $1k per month on sports, shoes (boys grow quickly!) etc. I spend probably about $500-1000 per month on clothing. We also spend probably $1500 per month on food…wondering how we compare. We have beenveryconservative with our house which is now paid off and worth a lot (in SF) but we are behind on college saving….

    1. $350k… As a lawyer, or ?

      $500-$1000 per month for anything that’s not bills sounds excessive. So does $1500 a month on food. Crazy in fact. Do you cook at all?

      College saving over clothes for sure.

      If you feel you spend a lot you probably are.

      1. I actually cook every night. Lately Julia Child. But even that, a dinner cooked at home costs $50. My kids hot lunch alone costs $75 per week. No I’m not a lawyer. I’m a director lol.

        1. Check out Jamie Oliver’s Ministry of Food and other budget conscious cookbooks. Home cooked dinner for five should not be costing $50 a night. You don’t need to cook a fancy meal every night – a typical week looks like Monday pasta and sauce, Tuesday some kind of risotto, Wednesday nice pie from the farmers market with veg, Thursday some combination of meat from the reduced shelf at the supermarket with veg and rice or pasta, Friday something relatively fancy (where fancy just = new from a recipe book or blog) and then letting loose a bit more at the weekend.
          Also try meatfree Mondays maybe.

      2. I will say, while $1500/mo is a lot for food, she has THREE BOYS. Who presumably are close to teenagers. Who likely have teenage boy friends. Young boys are bottomless pitts of food consumption, ESPECIALLY athletic ones. I can easily see how a family of 5 (plus friends) hits $1500/mo. We are a family of 3 and are in the $600 range, but I keep thinking back to growing up with my brothers– they would eat 1-2 pizzas EACH during their teen years then have more food before going to bed (and they were very slim). We’d have to make two 9×13 trays of baked ziti for our family of 5 because my two brothers would eat one entire dish themselves. My parents and I picked at the other and saved the leftovers…which were gone by morning.

    2. I think it depends what that 500-1000 is getting you. If you are getting 1 or 2 well made items that’s great but if you are accumulating vast amounts of mall clothes that isn’t good. America is really set on consumerism and disposable clothes, you should aim to make 10-20 purchases a year and that’s it. Also how on earth are you spending so much on food? I spend like 15% that amount with farmers market produce and locally specialty items, cooking everything at home.

    3. I am Japanese and some of this expense is making a lot of sushi at home — and I’m also a tennis addict and have a weakness for tennis clothes.

      1. I mean, you do you. Personally I can’t fathom spending 1000 on clothes for myself every month instead of saving for my kids college. I just think it’s really selfish and not at all the kind of person I want to be. But you’re entitled to spend your money however you like.

    4. It is crazy that you are behind on college savings when you make $350K and have no mortgage or rent. You should be putting thousands of dollars a month in a college saving account, not spending it on clothes and fancy food (I cannot fathom how one spends $1500 on food per month, even if you’re eating enough sushi to get mercury poisoning). You sound unbelievably materialistic and shallow, to be honest. Please don’t saddle your kids with massive student loans because you couldn’t get your sh!t together even though you’re practically members of the 1%.

      1. We are behind on college savings because we have been over paying our mortgage to get it paid off and out that money instead into college savings. We are planning to pay for all of their college. I’m surprised people think the good expenses are so high. I have friends who live very simply and spend upwards of $2k on food. Maybe food is a lot more expensive here.

        1. Yeah, no. I used to live in SF too. Food is slightly more expensive there, sure, and there are lots of amazing restaurants to try, but spending $1500 a month on food is absolutely a choice. Your friends who “live very simply and spend upwards of $2k on food” are not living simply. During a brief period of unemployment, my husband and I got by in SF on about $250 a month for food, and we weren’t eating ramen either. When we had big incomes we spent more than that, sometimes a lot more, but you need to own that $1500 a month on food is a *choice* and not just a “cost of living in SF.”
          I can understand overpaying the mortgage to get rid of it, but now you should direct that money to college and other savings, not material goods for yourself.

          1. I’ll pay more closely to our food budget but I don’t see how it could come down much.

            I shop at Safeway and try to get my meat and vegetables at whole foods. With three large boys and a big husband when we have meat – 3lbs of organic meat is around $30. And many nights we focus more on beans and rice, pasta etc. we basically never go to fancy food,but I’ll grab take out for about $50 once a week.

          2. I can understand how you can cook at home and easily spend $1500 on food. I have a friend with two kids who easily spends $350-400/wk on groceries. For comparison, I’m in NYC and we probably spend ~$100-150/wk on groceries for two of us (baby doesn’t require store bought food yet), plus maybe about $50 more on takeout/sunday bagels/etc. That said, choosing to buy $30 of organic meat for one meal is definitely a choice, just like my choosing to buy organic milk or free range eggs is a choice. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable choice, but I do think it’s important to recognize it is a choice. When I am trying to spend less I tend to cook more pasta and grains, as well as other pantry clean out type meals. Maybe pick a few nights to do that if you want to spend less. And I’d say maybe you could spend less on clothing, but again that’s if you’re trying to save more for your kids’ college.

          3. Yes of course it is a choice – I was explaining how we spend so much on food. I wasn’t really looking for ways to spend less on food in my OP. I cook with meat 2-3 times a week and I absolutely wouldn’t buy non organic, non free range meat. Food is one of my pleasures in life and how I like to show love for my family. And if I’m making coq au vin for 5 hungry people it takes at least $30 worth of chicken :)

          4. Oh my gosh stop shopping at whole foods and then asking if you spend too much on food. My husband and I live in SF with three teenage boys and two younger girls and we spend $1000-$1500/month on homemade, nutritious meals, but we do it by shopping at costco and safeway and NOT “whole paycheck.”

    5. DH and I make 400k combined in a HCOL area but NYC or SF. I probably spend $2000 on clothes a YEAR, including any major purchases like coats or shoes. Probably $3000 between myself and DH and our one kid.

      DH and I both work in male dominated barely business casual roles that aren’t majorly client facing. he wears khakis and a button down to work and is on the dressier side of things. I wear dress pants and a sweater or casual blazer and flats or a biz casual skirt or dress (Ponte in color w sweater) on days I go into the office, but I WFH 3 days/week.

      We could absolutely spend more and still be reasonable, but we have no reason to. My biggest expense is event dresses (wedding, holiday) and a suit upgrade for me or DH every few years. In our industries, suits are only for Client Meetings and even then, everyone is in the same boring black (think: government or insurance).

    6. I make $150K and have a $300/month budget for clothing – but I rarely spend all of it.

      It helps that I work in a casual job. But really what’s made a difference is I decided to only buy quality basics like blazers, nice jeans, trench coat, leather bag and wool and cashmere sweaters. That usually means I only buy one or two items a month (rarely impulse shop, almost always planned) – but when I do, I wear and use them for years. I’ve accumulated quite the nice wardrobe with patience over the years. And I actually love just about everything I own.

  37. California ladies, DH & I will be spending the week in the San Diego area for the first time in 30 years right after Valentines Day. Any recomendations on sights, restaurants, etc. that shouldn’t be missed? We know the highlights, but I’m sure a lot has changed! We’ll be staying in Imperial Beach if that matters, but plan to spend time in the city as well. Thanks in advance!

    1. If you’re into more urban, hip areas: check out North Park. Great shops, bars, restaurants. Corner of Upas and 30th has multiple amazing restaurants (ramen, Italian, tacos – all excellent) spread around the intersection. More bars and shops at 30th and University. Best coffee in town is Caffe Calabria on 30th.

      If you’re looking for outdoors and want a very accessible hike, hike Torrey Pines. Stunning views of the ocean, walk along the beach.

      People also love Little Italy, near downtown. If you’re a dessert person, you must eat at Extraordinary Desserts.

      And finally if you like craft beer, North Park/University Heights are your place to be. Belching Beaver, Tiger Tiger!, etc.

      Enjoy!

  38. I posted earlier about my GPA and debt. Thanks again to ladies who gave me advice. Although they don’t know it WildKitten and BlondLawyer have helped me many, many times before when I have posted in this thread. Over some time, and many anonymous posts later, I have realized that I am extremely harsh and hard on myself. Yesterday evening, as I prepped some of my old clothes to sell, I thumbed through the labels of my mounds of clothing and they were sizes 0-2. I thought back to myself then, and realize that even at that size I hated my body and thought I was fat. Now at a 6-8, very filled out and curvy, but tall, I still hate my body. I got engaged then married, moved to another state, started a new job all within a year (because DH got a job offer in another state, not because I was pregnant, we have no kids yet). All these changes along with being happy for once in my life and having a healthy relationship for the first time in my life caused me to gain “happy weight”, and I’ve realized I STILL berate myself for it.

    BlondeLawyer said something to me no one has ever said to me in my life, not even my therapist, that me getting out of that abusive relationship was far worth my gpa. That rocked me. Something so simple, yet so true. I needed to hear that.

    I experienced unspeakable abuse for four good years in silence. Abuse sexually, emotionally and physically. Of which I still have emotional and physical scars to prove it.

    Above else, I am finally in a good spot in life and I find half the time I don’t relish in it because I am so busy being hypercritical about myself.

    So, while many may think this is a silly blog or forum where we trade coded sex advice or materialistic musings, this blog is helping people. Whether they get on here like me and be emotional or not – it’s helping other women make changes and make good, better decisions.

    So, I just want to thank you all. Whether you know it or not, this has been a safe place for me to unburden some fears and musings and receive support.

    Take care ladies and wish you all a good weekend.

    1. Thank you for posting this. I am so glad you are in a good place, if still not quite ready to believe in it and in yourself. Hugs and all good wishes to you as stay on this journey.

      1. Blonde Lawyer had a better response than I did, but I’m glad they were both helpful.

  39. I just want to say thank you all, especially BlondeLawyer and WildKitten for all the support and kind words over the course of time. I am back in therapy and honestly I was promoted from my postings here because I realized I am very unkind to myself.

    I was the one who posted earlier about my GPA and debt.

    BlondeLawyer telling me that me escaping my abuse is more valuable than my gpa was something no one in my life has ever said to me before and I needed to hear it. I lived with that abuse in silence for 4 years. And it almost killed me, literally. The few friends that do know all that happened to me believe I could write a book because it has that many twists, turns and tragedies as a young woman in a very dark and horrible relationship. I was raised by narcissistic parents that raised me to be critical to the point that i have learned I can’t name more than 2 good qualities about myself. DH can, but i don’t see myself that way. Which is why I’m back in therapy. You ladies have played a big role in me recognizing this about myself, and i appreciate that.

    Thank you ladies for your support and for the advice we give each other here. some may think this is a silly little blog, but it is actually helping women like me, every weekend to make changes to have a better life.

    1. That’s awesome. You’re awesome. I didn’t get to post before, but as I get older I’ve started to really believe that the most impressive thing that we accomplish in life is who we become more than any conventional “achievement.” You have accomplished something tremendous and should be very proud of yourself. You sound awfully resilient. I hope that’s among the good qualities you see in yourself. Best of luck in the future :)

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